#so tomorrow it is. im. scared to check the scale but i cant not check it

[whsprings]

six word horror story "why don't you stay for dinner?"

[vanillacherrycals]

weighed myself tonight and im at 103..idk i wish this was true but i feel like i can never trust the scale so ill see tomorrow morning. scales make me feel insane because i know weight fluctuates but i cant stop checking it during the day and im always scared that the scale is broken and that im actually much heavier ｡⁠:ﾟ⁠(⁠;⁠´⁠∩⁠`⁠;⁠)ﾟ⁠:⁠｡

[skinnyghosttears]

May 12, 2021

1:06 am

I feel so embarassed everytime I say here that I binged. I still feel awful, I was thinking about tell to my parents I ate an ice cream or something when I'll go out in the afternoon, and skip dinner (or eat just a fruit) because "I feel nauseous". I have to check my weight in the morning but I already know it will be a mess.

1:55 am

Since I finished dinner I worked on a pendant to add to an old silver chain necklace, I used a coin (I hope it will not gave me an allergic reaction or something since I know there is nikel in there lmao) and I see it as a reminder that if I want to be skinny I have to work hard (it took me hours and its not perfect at all), I hope it will work. Its a really stupid think but its like, I made it to remind me a specific thing. Idk this kind of stuff make me feel more guilty, lets see how it goes. Im gonna finish my water and then I'll go to bed, finally.

The plan is 199kcal, considering lunch and a fruit mousse for dinner.

9:20 am

Before I fell asleep I s/h myself. Not new lines but I already have some bru1s3s. I dont want more permanent things.

Im gonna weight myself as soon as I find the energy to get up.

I dont deserve food today.

9:40 am

61,2kg. I hate the fact that I have to eat for lunch. Also I need batteries for the scale.

For dinner instead of a fruit mousse which is over 60kcal I'll have a couple of rusks (72kcal) so I can eat those drinking some tea. Im not gonna buy anything to eat today, It will just be an excuse.

10:43 am

Managed somehow to go to the bathroom, Im 61,05kg rn. Hope to see a 60 before lunch. I think for this weekend I will just see a 59 again. But nothing else. Im sad and angry with myself.

12:36 pm

Tomorrow I planned a piece of pizza for lunch (170kcal) and noodles for dinner (288kcal), and I have time for exercise in the morning, plus I'll walk with dogs and I'll have to go to my drive lesson. If I crave something in the afternoon I have a couple of strawberries that mom saved for me.

Im thinking about not weighting myself until the weekend.

6:44 pm

Im back home, I lied about eating something while I was out, so mom will say nothing for dinner because Im nauseous because of the bus. Im at 348kcal for today. I burned around 200 walking and I'll go out with my dogs later so I'll walk more.

9:10 pm

475kcal. Its ok. I burned over a half of it today. Tomorrow I will exercise sooooo much in the morning.

11:47 pm

Idk why I still feel like today I messed up when its clearly not true. I keep feeling the urge to binge like hell even if Im scared to look in the mirror. I crave some alchool so bad, maybe the next weekend my parents will not at home, since this is already planned... if I'll reach a good number maybe I can calculate the calories of some stuff and then just drink them when I want without someone notice.

Idk Im just... I feel I fucked up more than 4 times in this last week, I feel I cant continue this with the same strenght and I cant control myself anymore...

I hope to feel better tomorrow, I planned to exercise a lot and eat high volume foods that should make me feel full enough.

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[andivebeenafoolandivebeenblind]

my story!

Day 1: Today was a long and very emotional day, M came with me to the hospital, where i had too tell my story from the very beginning, which was difficult. After the D&A team and the MH team finally figured out what they were going to do with me, i ended up waiting for patient transport as they were admitting me in Wyong. After arriving in Wyong and being metal detected, vitals done and shown where everything was I spent an hour or so just in my room which is number 21, at the end of the corridor, away from the desk. When I thought everyone had gone too bed, I went and sat in the common area and watched a bit of whatever was on tv. I had a small reserved chat with a girl who is 31 and in the room next too mine. They’ve taken my phone and bra’s off me. I can hear the rain outside. I’m nervous about tomorrow with all the new Dr’s and having too repeat my story and hopefully be cleared for piggies. M was amazing today! I cried so much on the drive too Wyong :(

Day 2: Today was rough! after a some what hard sleep with a few awoken moments and tears, I found it very difficult for me to wake up for breakfast. After breakfast I had a shower and went to sit out in the courtyard. I sat in on ‘group psychology’ and didn't really say anything. I spoke with a psychologist, psychiatrist and the MH ward GP. Sooooooo many questions asked on their end. I was approved for two, thirty minute breaks (smokes) unaccompanied leave and one hour of accompanied leave per day! We get our phones on each break so I need my charger I had smokes today thanks too a guy in here. Since being back i got very agitated and had a headache, so I was given 1g of panadol l and 100mg of serequel and then the night meds too sleep which were zopiclone. I start a new a new antidepressant tomorrow morning. Right now my mood is 4/10 Megan comes tomorrow and smokes. One step at a time.... still really want too end it all but everyone here is the best kinda support. Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 3: Today most definitely had its ups and downs. For starters NOONE called me, I had too call you and no-one answered, so all g I’m over it now.... I found waking up was different and that i felt like a space cadet its worse than being lit thats for sure. I haven't got too pick my menu yet so morrow will be a surprise as well, the new girl E, she presented too GDH ED the same afternoon I did. M and her mum came too see me today, they saw my room. We just stood outside so i could smoke. Mum is coming up tomorrow around 1-1:30pm but thats when lunch is, hopefully we go shopping and we get ciggies, and fingers crossed she remembers the shit too get me including my thongs and charger. Second night in a row of zopiclone and serequel, administered separately both with effect. Goodnight cruel world.

Day 4: Sunday was eventful thats for sure. I felt sick, space cadety, belittled loved, scared and unsafe. Mum came too see me today, we hung out and got coffee’s. She bought me clothes, smokes and my glasses. We were belittled together by a nurse about bringing coffee back onto the ward. I was also asked if I had spoken too any patients of the rehab ward, too which i responded NO!. I danced outside, I cried, I am currently feeling unsafe and know I’m still a 3/10 if not maybe even a 2/10 because i stole a fucking staple, a singular fucking staple, but I’ve got this. My emotions are sooooooo out of whack, I rang N on my last break of the day  and face timed him and H. Rang C and told him where I was. I haven't had a zopiclone yet, just a serequel, ladies and gentleman “Next on, is A going too kill herself?”

Day 5: Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse, I woke up! Today has just been challenging I was woken up too take my medication, breakfast was crap, I did go out into the courtyard and throw oranges at the tree with J this morning. L and I went on the morning walk and snuck ciggies out. Mum wouldn’t visit me today because of my mood! I had an ECG and MSU the ECG was fine, my MSU showed all the recreational drugs I’d been taking outside of admission. *D and A came and saw me. Last night I hurt myself with the god damn staple and I was honest with my morning nurse about it and I was spoken too about HDU, where I don’t want to go! which got me on 1/2hr watches. Ive had 150mg of serequel today so thats not good. I didn’t like the psychology group today, maybe tomorrow’s will be better. I rang N and spoke too him before his phone died, he made me laugh which was good. Hopefully this is as low as I’ll feel which is a 1/10.

Day 6: Today was okay, I was around 3/10-4/10 for a vast majority of the day, but I’ve had some lows. I was so drugged out this morning during my appointment with the psychiatrist, but the general gist is I’m here until I’m not scared of myself anymore, I do however get extra leave. 2 X1hr unaccompanied and 1X2hr accompanied. I walked over too the petrol station today too buy cigarettes and a 30pk of winfield blue crush cost me $40.45! WTF! Snuck a biggie out on the morning walk again and had headpins hahaha. I bought a large soy dirty chai. After my afternoon break I came back in and wanted too sign myself out! I spoke with J and E about it then I rang N and he gave me some hard truths, that i needed. After the morning walk because the psychologist wasn’t there the OT organised cooking, so we baked 2 cakes.  Tonight I have been in and out of tears for god only knows why, no thats a lie there are a few reasons why, I took my night time meds tonight so lets see how i feel when i wake up considering I’m still scared of thoughts. C my nurse this morning has been fantastic.

Day 7:  I woke up a 3/10 I didn’t have breakfast, I went for the morning walk and snuck a biggie. Came back form the walk 2/10 spoke with G the psychologist on the ward, for a fair bit of time and was able to speak about somethings I haven’t ever spoken about. For my first 1hour break i went too Kanwall shops to go too the bottle-o with B, I bought 2 bottles for $12 and there was 7.4 standard drinks too a bottle. We sat at the park had a few ciggies, I tack vommed real good, we walked back too the unit, I had a shower and changed and washed my clothes. For the second break B and I did the same thing except this time I only bought 1 bottle and we shared it. We didn’t finish it and left it near the school, I’ll be going back for it tomorrow. My afternoon was about a 4/10 and then my mood started too drop and now i have been randomly crying for no particular reason. O’s exhibit J’s currently girlfriend is in here and she is a piece of work, J visited her almost all afternoon.  After B and I went for the second walk we were where we normally smoke, I laid down on my back and B sat on my stomach, she looked down at me and kissed me, and then we kinda made out and N saw us, we went too go inside, when she called me over in-between the buildings and we started making out again. N saw it again lol, so we had a smoke with him and then walked back in. According too R I’m fucking “desperate and stupid” because i used a staple too hurt myself, she is so lucky L told me and that I didn’t hear it because Id be sitting in HDU right now. I miss my mum and hope she comes too see me tomorrow and I won’t be drunk.

Day 8: I got lamb drunk today, I saw the psychiatrist and MO today and I’ve been put on 5mg Diazapam (Valium) BD aswell as being on a benzo withdrawal scale, which is weird, why did they wait 7 days too put me on a bento withdrawal scale? any who I get 6 hours/ day accompanied or unaccompanied leave hoping for discharge on monday. If not all good. I wish i was out for the weekend but im going too organise with mum a time too go see N. Mum has saturday, sunday and monday off work so she will see me then with C and possibly Nan. C said he will come and see me tomorrow. I rang N tonight where he told me after his appointment today, he came too see me but I was in the middle of lunch and they didn’t even tell me, he thought I picked food over him! As if that could ever be true. Im getting referrals too psychotherapy and my GP is going too get a discharge summary with how too wean me off Valium. I really miss N and just want an N hug and too play the drums. N left today, I wished him the best of luck.

Day 9: Today is Friday and I went and got super smashed, mum knows about my bento withdrawal scale and is okay with that she doesn’t know I’m smashed. I cant wait too see her tomorrow and go too the beach with her and C. Tonight I was so drunk I couldn’t do the withdrawal scale but they gave me a sleeping tablet. I fell over on my walk back too the hospital and fucked up my knee’s toes and one wrist.  I don’t want to feel this bad again I was literally laying where we smoke and I was tack coming hard. NEVER AGAIN! they want too take my solo leave away but they will let me out tomorrow with mum so I guess thats okay. Mum is taking me too the beach so I’m excited about that.

Day 10: I went too the beach today and it was great! the weather was warm but the water was absolutely freezing, yet refreshing. C was a no show today, which didn’t faze me. Mum bought me a razor so i could shave, but she made me strip too my underwear and show her my body both before AND after the shower and then she checked the razor, it was humiliating, but i completely understand why she did it and I don’t blame her! After the beach mum and I went too Lakehaven shops where we went too coles and Kmart, we got KFC for food. At Kmart I bought a new pair of shorts and a pair of thongs. Once I got back to the ward I had a biggie or two and started feeling really low so instead of doing something I’d regret I walked back through the doors too the ward, where after dinner I went straight to bed, looking back on that feeling I’m sure its because I was surrounded by a lot of people and I was just very overwhelmed, but I spent most of the night in my room or not engaging with people in the common areas. I snuck my phone in tonight, and messaged N until I fell asleep. I only took a 50mg serequel instead of that and a zopi. Im seeing mum tomorrow and she is taking me too see N and I’m super excited, I’ve missed him so much.

Day 11: Today has been a mixed bag of emotions, waking up every hour or so last night probably didn’t help. I woke up for my morning meds and breakfast with no-one waking me up. I went out for my morning smoke at 10 in my pj’s and took an hour. I went and laid in the sun in the courtyard with J, I then started to get ‘bad’ thoughts and went too lay down and read. I ended up getting PRN serequel because I could feel my heart beating through my chest and I was getting really edgy, I think that was because I was nervous about seeing N and Z this afternoon. Mum came up at around 2pm and we sat in the common area chatting for a bit, we then played uno, where I whopped her ass! Mum then signed me out on leave and we went too the small park right behind Tuggerah Westfeild so I could meet up with N and Z. When I saw N he gave me the biggest and best most needed cuddle I’ve ever had, he didn’t let me go, I had a few tears but it was okay, we talked, i laughed we got in Z’s car because the boys had something for me too listen too and it was THEIR SINGLE and it was fucking filthy, I’m so proud of them. N said he would come and stay at mum’s with me when i got out and we would dye my hair and go clothes shopping hahaha. On the drive back too the hospital I started getting really upset and anxious because I just wanted to go home with mum, but I’ve spoken with my nurse and it looks promising for discharge tomorrow :) Fingers crossed everything goes well. I smuggled my phone in again tonight.

[skinnyghosttears]

April 13, 2021

2:10 am

Burned 500kcal. I wanted to burn 1000 but I feel so sick and I cant keep workout with this nausea. I feel like Im gonna vomit soon, I cant literally see or just think about any food without feeling worse so i really need to go to sleep. I planned tomorrow meals, Im under 400kcal and I'll try to burn at least 1000, but I want to try and skip lunch, telling mom I still dont feel good and I prefer just some tea. I should be really cool to stay lower than the plan. I checked the scale and the number was so disgusting.

I hope to sleep good.

12:57 pm

I struggled to fall asleep but this morning mom fell in my lie and I will skip lunch. I just get up, Im not sure I will exercise today since my brother will be at home all the time but I can walk at least. Yesterday I found spatzle at the store (ifk how many type of them exist but those have 157kcal x 100g so they are better than pasta) so Idk if I'll eat those or just some veggies. During the afternoon I want to try some chips (87kcal x 20g, the entire bag) but I'll wait, rn Im not hugry and if I will not crave them too much I will just eat them tomorrow. Yesterday I started my fast at 8:44pm, so I can do 20h for sure.

Im scared of the scale rn, I feel really bloated. I have a counter for my no-binge streak, yesterday I ate more but it was not a real binge, since I just picked fruit that I was not supposed to eat and added a piece of bread for my soup. I consider binging when I lost control so I think I will not reset the streak.

2:05 pm

Had my tea, it just made me feel nauseous again. I said to mom that maybe this is caused by me eating more that I planned but she took it "well" since anxiety already made me eat like nothing for a week some years ago. We have a lot of veggies at home so I can eat only them at dinner (at this point I want to avoid the chips) but I was thinking about no eating at dinner too, like, faking to eat a couple of bites and then said Im so nauseous again and just fast until tomorrow. If Im really hungry I can eat the veggies, Im just thinking about all the options.

Mom is going out so its time to walk!

4:12 pm

Burned 200kcal walking, mom sent a message asking how Im feeling and I told her I tried to eat a rice cake but the nausea still come back. At this point I can reach 40h with my fast, It will be over exactly for tomorrow lunch so... maybe...

Even if the nausea will go away I think I'll fake it until the weekend so I have an excuse for eat less.

6:01 pm

Thought about yesterday dinner and my stomach just sent another nausea wave, bitch wth. I talked with mom and she said that I should eat if and what I want, so I'll try to drink some tea for dinner and well, fake to try a biscuit. Tomorrow she's not be here for lunch so I can trick my brother too, so I can extend my fast until dinner if I want because for when she'll be back I'll just say I ate something, and then I'll eat veggies and one or two rice cakes for dinner. This sounds good. Later I'll go out for a walk with my dogs so I'll burn some calories again, and then after everyone went to sleep I can do the same.

8:08 pm

Mom told me that tomorrow she wants to go out for a couple of commissions and Im supposed to drive but uh, after over a day of fasting? Idk bro this looks like a mistake :') I'll try to find an excuse.

9:12 pm

Tricked everyone for dinner, I think I'll just reach lunch time tomorrow and then decide if I feel to continue the fast since I'm already tempted to stop. Wathever I'll decide, Im gonna cook some cucumbers and peppers in a pan an eat one or two rice cakes, or the rice cakes and some light cheese. I can fake a lunch without wasting food since no one will check in the fridge and no one eat rice cakes here, just me.

Maybe Im gonna walk later :')

10:23 pm

Stepped on the scale and holy shit. I hope its just water. I was doing good, its not possible that this is real weight. I just want to cry.

10:57 pm

Yook a long shower, Im incredibly bloated and I dont want to look ay myself.

It makes sense that maybe my body is holding water because im not eating at all? And I ate more than usual last time I did? Nvm dont mind me, Im just exausted and I want to sleep.

12:20 am

I cant sleep and I feel hungry and nauseous at the same time, wth...

[skinnyghosttears]

April 30, 2021

2:03 am

Aaaah I wanna weight myself so bad and my stomach is begging for food how am I supposed to sleep?????

8:08 am

I woke up almost 2 hours ago, I feel hunger pain but I want to wait for my mother to leave before I weight myself.

11:28 am

I fell asleep again, god I feel in pain today after yesterday walk. I walked for 11km and 8 of them were under the rain, so I hope I didnt catch a fever or something.

Im 60,05kg rn, I hoped for see 59 again but I mean, My lower weight is 59,85 (and it was last friday, so in one week I did a 3 days binge streak with over 3000/4000kcal each day and I somehow managed to get back to my almost lower weight. I should be proud of me (obv not because of the binge, I was with no control).Maybe I'll let myself to prepare something like the pancakes I made a couple of days ago but for the afternoon, or maybe I'll check if I have something that doesnt go over 100kcal so I can still stay under 500 today (my plan is at 410 rn).

2:12 pm

59,9kg???? God Im so happy??? I maybe will add some fruit then, maybe a banana that I can eat with the pancakes. Tomorrow I'll do strawberry ice cream and I legit cant wait, thats the perfect reward for how I did good this week.

7:33 pm

I went to the store with mom and I bought a pizza that has less than 700kcal, I want to eat it tomorrow since Im tired of watch my family eat the one my mom makes (its really good, but I cant count calories of it so I always eat something else), Im just not sure if I'll eat all of it or just half, I'll decide tomorrow. I reached 765kcal today, and Im really sad even if its a good number. Idk if I'll add something else after the soup I planned.

Im really sad because Im really craving food but Im scared af.

9:02 pm

I ate more. I was cooking for my parents and they went to the kitchen, tey start to say that "I lost a lot of weight, that Im vanishing, that I have to stop now, that Im so skinny rn" and my father made me do a 360° spin. I felt so embarassed, and then I came back crying watching food cooking, and I ended up earung more because of sadness. Im gonna exercise until I'll burn 1000kcal before bed, I feel so disgusting and awful.

11:50 pm

Burned 1000kcal, showered, planned the next days meals. Tomorrow I will not eat the entire pizza if the number on the scale will be higher for lunch time. The part I will not eat will be sunday lunch. I didnt drink water at all today so I know tomorrow number can be a lie, but I feel so bad rn. I will exercise tomorrow too btw.

I know I should be happy because today I went out wearing my favourite jeans without problems but Im still... not skinny enough.