#so yeah i went off on a bit of a tangent but the gist is im trying to be better towards myself because i deserve it

[ragazza-paradiso]

i’m so pale that you literally can’t see my stretch marks unless u shine a torch on them but u can see my veins through my chest #luminescent

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 287: Family Reunion

Previously on BnHA: The Tomura For One VS Deku And Pals clusterfuck reached new levels of clustfuckery as AFO possessed Tomura’s body and stabbed Kacchan and Endeavor. Shouto was all “good thing I leveled up offscreen so as to be able to fly around whilst carrying 400lbs worth of people”, and did just that and it was like, damn, son. Meanwhile Deku’s rage went Mach 100, and he kicked Tomura’s ass for almost two whole seconds, but in the process he apparently forgot that IF TOMURA TOUCHES HIM THAT IS VERY BAD, and so he stupidly let Tomura touch him and Tomura was all “GAME, SET.” Fortunately for Deku, his quirk plays by its own rules, and so the chapter ended with us cutting to the METAPHYSICAL OFA/AFO PARANORMAL DREAMSCAPE OF MYSTICAL BULLSHIT, where AFO!Vestige was all “lol Tomura y u mad”, and Nana!Vestige was all “SUP DEKU, YOU’RE JUST IN TIME, LOOKS LIKE IT’S ASSKICKING O’CLOCK.” I’m paraphrasing a bit, but that’s more or less the gist of it.

Today on BnHA: AFO is all “well if it isn’t Tomura’s grandmother who I murdered that one time”, and Deku is all “?”, and AFO is all “fucking vestiges, man, wild”, and Deku is all “??”, and AFO is all “ANYWAYS GETTIM TOMURA”, and OFA is all “NOT SO FAST”, and Deku is all “???”, and really, same. AFO then goes off on some wild tangent about how Deku is unworthy because he couldn’t protect everyone and needed help from OFA and got mad about his friends being stabbed, which is such a cold take it gave me hypothermia, but it ends up not mattering since Deku and Tomura both wake up seconds later with OFA still in the possession of its rightful owner, HOW ABOUT THAT. The chapter ends with the LoV approaching on Gigantomachia’s back with Dabi practically salivating at the mouth, and Toga trying to reignite an old fandom blood feud. Toga why would you do this to me. Toga.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

[CROWD LOSING THEIR MINDS] FINALLY THE NANA HAS COME BACK TO BNHA!! IF YA SMELLLLL WHAT THE NANA IS COOKIN!!!!! [RINGSIDE BELL CHIMING WILDLY] [LOUD AIRHORN NOISES]

“chapter 287: mistake” omg. yeah I’ll say you made a mistake, AFO. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THESE FLEETING LAST MOMENTS OF YOUR SHITTY EVIL LIFE

(ETA: so in all seriousness this must be referring to AFO’s belief that All Might/OFA made a mistake in choosing Deku, right? “I can’t believe you went and chose this shounen manga protagonist as your champion, what were you thinking.” I’ll just put this out there: however many comic books AFO read as a child, it clearly was not enough.)

wow Deku how slow are you

yes you’re inside OFA you dimbulb, did you think your clothes suddenly vanished out of the blue and the ghost of Nana just randomly appeared in the real world by some freak coincidence?? can you believe this kid. breaks his arms a measly 10-15 times in a row and all of a sudden he can’t think straight, get it together Deku

but also brb having a moment at the fact that his thoughts immediately run back to Kacchan, even with all of this nonsense going on and Nana about to lay the beatdown on AFO’s potato-lookin’ ass. forget that noise, all he wants to know is whether or not Kacchan is all right. fuckin’ geez. AM I OVERREACTING HERE A BIT. probably

(ETA: ALSO!! the way he just trails off!! “Kacchan is...” and then he can’t bring himself to complete the thought. oh my god my heart.)

HOLY SHIT

okay,

damn but this man sure knows how to ruffle my feathers. as eminently detestable as ever!!

could it be any clearer here that AFO is not on Tomura’s side?? for a moment I thought he had actually grabbed him by the back of the head in order to get him to look. but nope, he’s just resting his pointing hand on top of his head instead while he’s all “HEY TOMURA LOL IT’S THE GHOST OF YOUR DEAD PATHETIC GRANDMA”

for those keeping track at home, this would be the first time that Deku has heard this information -- that Tomura is Nana’s grandson -- and possibly the first time Vestige!Nana has heard it as well. Nana died when Kotarou was still a child, so for all we know the Vestige!Nana didn’t even know she had a grandson, lol. TODAY ON “MAKESTE RANTS AT LENGTH ABOUT THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY BE ADDRESSED WITHIN THE NEXT THREE PANELS”, anyway moving on

lmao for the record I fucking LOLed at this giant question mark immediately bubbling up over Deku’s head

no idea what AFO is about to ramble on about now, haven’t read that far yet. but let the record show that Deku’s immediate reaction to hearing “BTW NANA IS YOUR ARCHNEMESIS’S GRANDMA LULZ” is everything I could have hoped for

(ETA: fandom nailed the shit out of this one with the confused Mr. Krabs meme lmao.)

okay so now AFO is monologuing at length about how he would sometimes have “riveting dreams” about the previous owners of all the quirks he stole. but once he gave the quirks away they stopped bothering him?? holy moly let me just take all the notes

okay so he’s saying that Vestiges are created whenever someone has their quirk stolen by AFO. but if they then disappear when he gives the quirks away, does that also mean that whoever receives the quirks also gets the original owner’s Vestige bundled in every time?? that would be wild okay hold up let me read the rest of this

so he’s saying that the Vestiges are actually the “consciousnesses” of the original quirk owners, which have become embedded in their dna or something. SOUNDS INCREDIBLY DUBIOUS TO ME LOL but on the other hand this is a world where children can be born with airplane heads, so my disbelief can hardly afford to pick and choose what it’s gonna be suspended at! anyways though, how does he know he’s the only one who was able to converse with them? did you conduct detailed six-month follow-up interviews with everyone you gave quirks to or what

and if it really is the case that this ability was formerly exclusive to him, isn’t that more evidence than ever that OFA and AFO are actually THE EXACT SAME QUIRK oh whoops am I getting ahead of myself again, sorry

MEANWHILE TOMURA IS ALL, “GRANDMA?”

“WHY AM I HERE, WELL LET ME TELL YOU A STORY, GRANDSON. YOU SEE THAT MAN GROWING OUT OF YOUR RIBCAGE THERE? WELL IT’S JUST THE FUNNIEST THING, ACTUALLY”

WAIT SO IS HE SAYING THEY’RE SOULS OR NOT??

this makes it sound like they won’t ever get to rest, which sure sounds like a soul thing to me. well whatever, soul, consciousness, I guess it’s just semantics at the end of the day

anyways though, so this asshole is finally done talking (I’m sure that won’t last), so now we can finally have the heartwarming reunion we’ve all been waiting for

sigh

-- actually, no, not “sigh”!! you know what!! because Tomura says “whatever the reason”, but that’s only because he doesn’t actually have a fucking clue about the reason. like, I don’t know if the knowledge that AFO killed Nana would be enough to give him pause, but if he knew the whole story and knew that AFO was behind not only Nana’s death, but the rest of his family’s deaths as well... now that would be a whole different thing

anyway. but at least it’s becoming clearer now why AFO spent all that time raising Tomura up as his heir and brainwashing him even though he seems to have been planning this body takeover the whole time. it’s all because he loves making people miserable! yaaaaay

btw HAS NANA HAD THE EXACT SAME MOLE ON HER CHIN AS TOMURA THIS ENTIRE TIME WTF. am I just the least observant person who ever lived lmao

lol wtf

ground: [randomly starts exploding]

Deku: “ONE FOR ALL IS BEING ERODED!!!” LOL IS THAT WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE, OKAY THEN. I’ll take your word for it

y’all I cannot fucking get over this “AFO growing out of Tomura’s hip socket like a fucked-up ventriloquist dummy” shit though

you do realize that absolutely no one can take you seriously right now, right?? it’s important to me that you know this

WHAT’S THIS NOW

seems like SOMEONE has had it up to here with a certain SOMEONE ELSE’S bullshit lmaooo bye Felicia

I SAID GOOD DAY!!

you guys why is he not dying!!

-- OH DAMN

love how Deku is just lying there like “YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU’RE LIKE, THIS MIGHT AS WELL HAPPEN.” poor Deku

(ETA: where in god’s name is OFA Prime standing. why are my thoughts fully consumed by this lmao.)

are Nana and OFA Prime even doing anything?? why are they sticking their arms out like that. wait hold up is this all a big metaphor for the back-and-forth going on between Tomura trying to steal OFA and OFA being all “actually no you can’t, please enter your password and click on all the boxes with bicycles in them to prove you’re a human first”?

OH SNAP OFA PRIME SAID NO THANKS

“SORRY BRO WE’VE ALREADY MADE OURSELVES AT HOME HERE”

I have only just noticed that metaphysical!Deku has the same scars as actual!Deku. and yet his arms are not currently broken! that doesn’t really seem consistent to me but whatever!! maybe he saved right before the boss battle, that would be smart of him

anyway, that’s great and all that OFA Prime is here helping out, but I really wanted to see Nana fight AFO in a one on one though so I’m a bit disappointed. also why is it only the two of them?? where are Banjou and the others. of all the times to be sleeping on the job

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THIS MAN

WOULD YOU STOP. WOULD YOU JUST QUIT IT ALREADY

oh shit hold up

doesn’t this confirm that the reason he wanted to transfer his power to Tomura is because he believed it would make him strong enough to finally take OFA because of Quirk Singularity? jesus christ. and here he was so sure of himself. but it turns out he doesn’t actually know shit! you can’t just fucking take OFA like that ya dingdong that’s not how it works

(ETA: SO, A THOUGHT -- is there any sort of subtle hinting here in the way that he words this? “if your strength is combined with mine”, as opposed to “if my strength is combined with yours”? no idea if the admittedly-so-small-as-to-be-almost-inconsequential distinction between those two sentences exists in the original Japanese or not, but I find it very interesting that the English wording implies that he’s the one adding Tomura’s strength to his own, rather than vice versa.)

now he’s insulting Deku!!

excuse me sir WHO ASKED YOU anyway. and never mind that being consumed by an, AND I QUOTE, “unquenchable” rage is your protege’s whole THING, and that he also needed your help to avoid being burned to a crisp a short while ago. where do you get off I swear

(ETA: also just want to point out that in the panel before this one he says that he’s been “watching through Tomura”, which pretty much confirms that his consciousness or whatever is alive inside of him all the time. Tomura is definitely not getting rid of this guy any time soon.)

WOW

first he calls Kacchan useless, then he calls Deku a simpleton, and don’t even get me started with Nana. just, you guys. this man is just... a very, very rude man

NOW OFA IS ALL “THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT MAKES HIM SUCH A GOOD PROTAGNIST YOU BUTTMUNCH” AND OMG PREACH

“DESPITE HIS COMMON SENSE” sdfkllk my man he already has one brother roasting him, take it easy guy

AHH WHAT

IS THIS BACK IN THE REAL WORLD

YEP

hahaha nice try Tomura

so Deku’s all “I didn’t lose my power! BUT” and I assume the “but” is the part where his arms are still broken and shit, and meanwhile Tomura’s body is almost healed up now finally

they’re both wiped out and now AFO is again petitioning Tomura to let him take over goddammit

“you won’t lose your mind” yep, he sure won’t! scout’s honor!! pinky swear!!

meanwhile Deku is getting fucking desperate flkjl;k my baby. and Machia is going to show up any second now too, probably. what else can fucking go wrong at this point

oh shit I shouldn’t have asked

get ready to rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuumble, probably

OH MY GOD

WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE HERE IS HAVING A GOOD TIME. jesus

so as soon as he heard Endeavor was there he got all, “TIME FOR THE BIG REVEAL”, is that right? WELL JOKE’S ON YOU TOUYA, YOUR DAD DOESN’T SEEM ALL THAT CONSCIOUS AT THE MOMENT, SO THAT’S GOING TO DRAIN A LOT OF THE TENSION FROM THE SCENE WHEN YOU GO ALL REVERSE DARTH VADER ON HIM AND HE’S ALL “ZZZZZZZZ”

meanwhile Toga is having unsettlingly quiet angst

jesus christ Toga this is all we need right now

“WAS JIN-KUN NOT A PERSON” sdkfjlk Horikoshi I swear. please have mercy on this fandom. this is the debate that refuses to die!!

but seriously ffs, the issue isn’t that Jin deserved to die, it’s that the countless people whom Jin would have either directly or indirectly killed didn’t deserve to die either. people don’t only become people when you attach names and faces to them! we all loved Jin because we’d gotten to know him, but that doesn’t mean his life was inherently worth more than the lives of all the people he would have killed. sometimes there’s just no good answer

like, it’s just crazy to me that because the heroes are all “we want to protect everyone!” but then aren’t always able to do so because that’s literally impossible, whereas the villains are all “we don’t care about anyone other than the select few people that we actually like!”, the villains somehow wind up getting the better PR. it just so happens that it’s infinitely easier to be loyal to the interests of a few people as opposed to ALL THE PEOPLE. like, no shit, it’s easier to stick to your moral code when you barely have a moral code. and so the villains can kill thousands and no one bats an eye, but if a hero fails to save even one person they’re hypocritical moral failures. like what the hell

BUT ANYWAY, sorry to go off on a tangent there lol, it’s not really a big deal. I’m just preemptively trying to stave off more discourse about it lol but who am I even kidding

anyways lol, but of course they won’t kill you unless they have no choice, Toga. but when it comes to catch-22 situations, it’s a bit much to infer that the heroes don’t consider the villains people just because they opt for the choice that spares more innocent lives. I sure as hell don’t want my babies out here killing people, but to say that they can’t no matter what or else they’re no different from the villains is just...

anyway so the chapter has now just ENDED, just like that!! on a shot of Ochako’s face!

I SENSE ANOTHER THROWDOWN COMING. and it had better not be a total letdown like the last one! NANA BARELY DID ANYTHING HORIKOSHI, WHAT THE FUCK. I started out with such high hopes lol

but I will settle for Toga VS Ochako, and Deku VS Tomura: The Sequel: Shouto’s Revenge! SPEAKING OF HEROES WHO HAVE NO QUALMS ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE lmao

[rosaetae]

the chrysanthemum effect | 6

[this chapter is apart of the chrysanthemum effect]

☇ “Keeping your flowers, keeping your pain— it’s already everything you need to move on. How do you move on from things if you’re not willing to accept them?“

➣  pairing: taehyung x reader

➣  genre: hanahaki!au, model!taehyung, weddingplanner(ish)!au  

➣  word count: 3.2k

➣  summary: the hanahaki disease has become a stigma in this world where if you had it, you are looked down upon. her flowers were white chrysanthemums and they have been for the past two years. she was in love with someone who obviously didn’t feel the same way, and this was her way of moving on— along with the people in her life who had to conform around the hanahaki disease.

Taehyung was outside your apartment again that morning, awaiting for your presence.

He notices that you were going to show up a little later than usual and he wonders if you slept through your alarm. He can recall those morning where you always slept through it, no matter how loud and deafening the sound of your phone was until he had to groan, reach over to turn it off himself, and wake you up with nudges and fluttering kisses.

His hopes went up a few times when the door would open. He saw someone with a familiar red beanie on— a red beanie that you liked to wear during the fall and winter time—, a man holding hands with a woman— who looked very content seeming that they stopped to say good morning to him—, and someone struggling to carry their workload— reminiscent of you and your god-given work ethics— , only to notice that all of them weren't you.

That was, until you came out, a cream coat and black boots on, seemingly in a rush and entirely oblivious to his presence until you step down the steps and come to an immediate stop. The look you had on your face demonstrated that you were subtly taken aback by his appearance, but warmth followed after.

"Hi," you speak, tone mixed with confusion and surprise.

"Hey," he smiles, playing with the item in his hand behind his back excitedly.

"You're here again?"

He raises an eyebrow. "It sounds like you don't want me to be here," he says teasingly, only for you to shrug.

You walk up to him with a smirk, before he turns the direction of Planetarium and you both began your journey to the coffee shop side by side. "And if I said I don't?" The challenge in your voice makes him narrow his eyes at you.

"Fine," he scoffs lightly, speeding up his pace due to his advantage of his long legs. "I guess you don't want to see what I got you."

"Wait, what?"

The curiosity in your voice followed by your hasty pace to reach up to him causes him to slow down, a smug look on his face as he looks down at you, gripping his gift for you tightly and hiding it from your sight.

"Taehyung, you got me something?" You press, reaching up to him. "Hey, wait! You're joking, right?"

Taehyung smiles cheekily before coming to stop. "Maybe."

"You really didn't have to," he hears you say, a pout forming on your lips.

"Well, I did," he then unveils the gift from behind his back, letting it drop him his hand but keeping the chain of the gift attached to his fingers. "I got you a necklace from Montreal."

The look of astonishment waves over your face evidently and Taehyung is suddenly worrying if you were going to hate it. He knows he wasn't the best with gifts, but he remembers you loved them regardless. Like once, he got you a mug for your birthday and you loved it so much that you refused to use any other mug.

Before words could even come out of your lips, a sudden phone call that wasn't coming from him made you flinch, ruining the moment. Hastily, you grab at your phone in bag and Taehyung couldn't help but notice that the call was from Hoseok.

Truthfully, Taehyung was a bit disappointed at the abrupt call, hand with the necklace lowering, but his worries start to ease with each ring you let pass on.

"You can take it," he offers, thinking that this is maybe how you felt that one time his phone went off. Realizing upon this, he takes a mental note on turning off his phone completely when he's with you.

Eyes meeting his, you tentatively shake your head, surprising him as you immediately turn off your ringer and throw your phone in the bag. As you do so, he begins to feel anxious, taking his free hand and running it through his hair.

"No, no. I'm sorry about that," you apologize before you're giving your full attention to him, eyes back to its curiosity and confusion. "So, you actually got me a necklace?"

"I stopped by an antique shop and I saw this necklace and I thought you would like it," he immediately explains, almost frightened by your astonishment that maybe getting a necklace that he saw and thought of you was a bad idea.  

His hotel was down the street of an antique shop and one night, when it was still open, he saw the necklace through the window, the seller immediately telling the story of its origin that seemed too fictional, but it was beautiful nonetheless.

Hesitantly, you look at him as he held it in front of you again and reach out to grab it by the pendant.

It was attached to a gold chain, a bit rusted due to time and aging, but the pendant itself barely showed any evidence of aging. It was incredibly detailed, a gem built in the center. Taehyung, admittedly, admired how gold looked on you.

"I thought of you when I saw the gem," he points out.

Carefully, you let out a sigh before looking back up at him, a smile of both worry and gratitude on your face. "You seem to have a lot of thoughts pertaining to me." The look in your eyes scares him in the most intriguing way when you say that— because though he won't admit it verbally, you have been crossing his mind for awhile.  "Why? I thought you wouldn't have time to explore Montreal?" You inquire quietly.

"I had some spare time," he responds. There was a moment where he debated on not telling you. Just staring at you and the look on your face as you held the necklace in your hand. Taehyung ends up shrugging, shoving his hands in his pocket.

"Because I never said thank you," he began to answer the other part of your message, as if he was holding in his breath for too long.

"Thank you?" Scrunching your eyebrows, he notices that you clench onto the necklace protectively. "For what?"

"For... I don't know... managing to keep this platonic? I know it was odd and uncomfortable seeing me again— it probably still is— and hell, I know most girls don't like to keep shit like this platonic, but I have to say it's been relaxing... having to not deal with the awkwardness, because you know, with you, it's... it's different."

It's always been different.

Taehyung feels like he says the wrong thing when you blink at him. Of course, he probably did, he went off on a tangent and called this platonic when he absolutely didn't know what this was. Admittedly, he got the necklace for the sake of thinking of you, and only you. Suddenly, there's blaring alarms going off in his head when the second drags on, and now he's trying to mentally think of something to cover up his idiotic tracks— that is... until you let out a laugh.

A light laugh. Something he familiarizes as a laugh meant for if he had done something stupidly oblivious. It was the same laugh you let out when you saw him struggling to put on a sweater, only to realize that it was yours and it was a bit too small compared to his broad structure. Quite embarrassing, but it made you laugh.

"Well," you sarcastically begin, cupping the necklace into your hands as you hold against your chest. "Good thing I'm not like most girls."

He's about to reply to that before you began to keep walking.

You, to him, really aren't.

One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand.

Exhale.

When Doctor Wren calls you into his office, the look on his face isn't so pleasant. Neither was the tone of his voice when he asks you to come in right after your anatomy class over the phone.

"Your heartbeat is at a normal rate now," Doctor Wren says. You try to get a gist of any indication of something terrible that happened since his abrupt appointment seemed too urgent and out of the blue. "You didn't forget to take your medicine, did you?"

You shook your head. "I took it, don't worry."

"Good," he says before he wraps his stethoscope over his neck again. "Have you been seeing Taehyung lately?"

Nodding, your lips curl upwards slightly. "Yeah, actually I wanted to tell you, but for some reason we're in this weird gray area. A lot happened since last time I saw you."

Doctor Wren, with a face of indifference, nods attentively. "Oh," he lets out with a monotone voice, having your curiosity growing. "You guys are talking?"

"He started walking with me to Planetarium in the morning," you tell him and Doctor Wren nods. "Yeah, I don't know... he even got me a necklace when he went to Montreal."

"Did he?"

You let out a light laugh. "I'm just as confused as you may be, but every time I'm with him, I don't think of needing the closure that I've always wanted— I think of being in the moment with him."

The smile that you didn't know you had on your face fades when you see Doctor Wren staring at you with an expression you couldn't quite decipher.

"Doctor Wren, why did call me in today?"

There was a fear in your voice and by the way that he took in a sigh, you just knew that something was bound to happen. Of course the universe didn't want you to reach acceptance, not without the cost of something.

"I have bad news."  

"What?"

"But," he says. "There's some good news to it."

Scrunching your eyebrows together, you give him a look to continue.

"Your flowers have been growing at an unusually fast rate. And it's not because you're not taking your medication constantly, but it's because, I think, your feelings have become... overbearing.," he says as you nod. "The bad news is that they've grown to your lungs."

Hearing that, you felt your whole body freeze over. An immediate stop to your breathing that took you moment to recollect yourself. "What?"

"I did some tests last time I saw you. And we found this," he informs, pulling at what seemed to be an x-ray. Your eyesight was getting blurry, but you can make out what the x-ray was. It was the sight of your lungs, and just like so, on the bottom corner of it, your flowers were present. The outline of the thin petals of your chrysanthemums covering the outline of your organ and truthfully, you didn't know how to feel. "They've began to grow from your right lung, just right within the inferior lobe."

You blink, unable to fathom words into the reaction to this.

"Good news is that we found it," Doctor Wren continues. "If I hadn't ran any tests on you, we would come across this when it would be too late."

"So..."

"So," he starts. "I think it's finally time we schedule that surgery."

"No," you snap without hesitation. "No, Doctor Wren. You, out of all people, know that that is my last resort."

"I know, ___. But, this is serious. No one's flowers have grown this far out into their system. Your flowers are growing and they'll continue to grow for however long you suppress them, ___. They've already made its way into your lungs, this is not something you can say no to."

In your head, you admit he was right, and you wanted to yell and scream at the universe for not letting you have this one thing— to let you move on without tending to the surgery.

"Is there any other way?"

His face softens. "Only the surgery is a guarantee, ___."

"I'm sorry," you mutter, shaking your head. "I can't do that."

"And I can't let you go ahead and let your flowers be the reason why you die, ___," Doctor Wren says, almost exasperated. "Look, all I'm going to tell you is think about it. Two weeks, tops. But if you don't schedule that surgery soon, there's nothing I can do."

You don't say anything. What can you do at the moment? You couldn't let yourself suffer even more because you decided to keep someone, who came back, in your life. But even then, you didn't want to throw everything away.

"People with Hanahaki don't deserve to die, ___. You, especially, deserve to live. I know that you want to remember him and who he was to you, but if it came down to that and your life... I'm saying this as a doctor and your friend, your life is more precious."

Taehyung was supposed to be someone you were supposed to meet only once in your lifetime.

A stranger who would stay as a stranger.

He came in like the high tide, leaving after a certain amount of time when you said hello to him at a party and goodbye to him that same night. But again, he came back— fully and unexpectedly.

You didn't recognize him at first since your first impression of him in your mind was under a few colorful lights in a dark room, but seeing that he managed to have some sort of recognition of you that day on the train, the person you were supposed to meet only once became someone you met twice.

And for some odd reason, he wanted to see you more, being why he fully indulged into a conversation with you, purposely missing his stop to get off at your stop and walk you to your part time job at the time (though he didn't want to admit that at that moment because it would have obviously be deemed weird to want to strangely want to keep talking with a stranger).

Before you knew it, the stranger became an acquaintance— and meeting him once was not suffice. Finding each other on the train was the routine for a week or two, only to also find out that he was two years older, attending the same university as you.

He once surprised you at the library when he saw you behind the window on the fourth floor at 2 AM, thinking that you needed some coffee that night. And so he simply bought you a latte— since he wasn't sure if you were even a coffee drinker— and he hiked up those four flights of stairs to find you there, surrounded by notebooks and your laptop.

"So, I was thinking," he greets you that morning outside your apartment, all dressed up and hair in tact with a smirk on his face. He looked relatively happier that morning, causing you to feel wary about his certain thoughts that had him thinking.

Then suddenly, the stranger turned acquaintance turned friend somehow turned into someone you fell in love with.

It wasn't anything unusual or sporadic like most realizations of a person realizing they're in love with someone— it was nothing of a sort.

Letting out a small laugh, you adjust your tote bag on your shoulder. "Thinking about what exactly?"

"What do you think about going to the night market with me tomorrow night?" He asks watching that boyish grin on his face of his hopes light up. "Only if you want. I don't have anything planned for that day."

Firstly, you weren't even the type to be in a relationship nor even be in love. You knew of the fool's tale of being in love and falling out of love and you had enough friends recalling the tale which ultimately led to vomiting flowers and having to undergo surgery at a young age— being in love wasn't a conception that you particularly liked or were ever fond of in the beginning.

"What?" Your voice sounds nearly scared, the immediate thought of being with him in a public area surrounded with crows frightening you in every single one of your nerves.

"The night market," he repeats with a childish smile. "It's got those potato twists and taro balls that you like."

That is until you realized you were getting distracted.

It started off with every 10 minutes or so of your studying at the library, you would check your phone if he texted or called— sometimes he did and you always had to do that thing where you waited a few minutes to respond so you didn't seem too excited to talk to him and you finally understood why your friends used to do that.

Then every morning, getting up wasn't so hard when he would come over in the morning to pick you up. He'd be in the kitchen with Somin grumpily making coffee as he was there two hours earlier than Somin's scheduled alarm clock. Sometimes, you would be missing a few classes to spend time with him or like every evening on Tuesday and Thursday, you would leave class a little earlier than usual just to be with him.

"I... sure, I guess," you say, finally nodding and giving in.

But on top of all of that, you simply found yourself searching for him— and only him— in a large crowd. With dozens to billions of people in the world, you always found yourself looking for him. You'd always look for his tall stature first, his broad form, followed by the color of his hair depending on which color he dyed it as, then relief would flow over your body when you meet his eyes. The only pair of eyes that only you can spot out a distance away. The only pair that you've only ever known.

Taehyung looks at you, an amused look on his face. "But I want a yes."

So imagine how it was like to realize you were reliving the fool's tale.

You blink at him, eyebrows scrunching at his statement. "Huh?"

"You sound unsure. I want to hear a 'yes'."

When he left that night with the intention of no longer seeing you for awhile (though you knew he meant forever), it was like everything you've ever felt disappeared from your body. It began with confusion, then denial, then anger.

You narrow your eyes at him and roll your eyes. "What are you even—"

"So I know that you'll actually go with me," he chuckles, the sound of his sonorous laughter warming you in the cold morning atmosphere.

"Okay, fine," you sigh defeatedly, letting out a laugh— a genuine laugh. "Yes, I'll go to the night market with you."

The realization soon hit faster than the realization of being in love with him— you were the fool your mother warned you not to be. The fool you warned yourself not to be.

Taehyung, smiling victoriously, glances at you. A happy look on his face. "Okay, great. Then I'll come pick you up?"

The smile on your face goes away a bit too quickly and you were hoping that he didn't catch it. "How about I meet you there?" You offer instead.

Fortunately, he didn't notice that your smile faded away when he looks at you again. "Alright," he almost sounded disappointed. "Meet me there at 8?"

And here you are, thinking your morals of not taking the surgery, of being strong enough to find your own way of moving on and acceptance, was the only reason that let you swallow down your pride and your flowers, only to realize that like every fool in the book of Hanahaki, you were just another chapter in the story.

[theshinsun]

brace urself, this is for the writing meta ask: 2, 6, 7, 14, 17, 19, 20 (if you need a direction for this... I always wanted to hear more about Bring Me Roses), 21, 22, and 24 bc i'm nosy and still very into your craft. thank you buddy!!

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

I'm so excited/terrified to finally start my knb college AU. I've been sitting on this idea for almost two years I'm so ready but at the same time I'm so not ready.

The gist is it's every single self-indulgent, chaotic, projection-ridden idea I've ever wanted for these boys all rolled in a big ball of shenanigans and character growth. It's a beautiful mess and I can't wait to make it happen as soon as ANR is done.

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

This is gonna come right the fuck out of left field, but I love writing Himuro. I have so much fun writing just... snark, and that boy is the perfect outlet, there's no bottom to that salt mine. I remember getting a similar kick out of writing Tsukishima in the past, I just live for sassy dialogue. It ain't much but it's honest work.

7. What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?

My style is very present, I think (which is funny bc there was a time I never would have considered writing present tense) focusing on what's happening and how it makes the character feel in the moment. I like to write specific, detailed imagery, but I try to keep it short and relevant to the scene, so I can move along and focus on what's important. I wouldn't call it fast-paced, exactly, but it is pretty to-the-point. And I think, based on the feedback I've received, that people who read my fics might agree with that. I've heard that my writing is very personal and character-driven, and I think that might be a byproduct of the time I spent writing in first person. Now I write almost exclusively third person limited, but I still like to get in the character's head and tell the story from their "point of view", I guess. 

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

It depends almost entirely on how quick I'm able to come up with a pun lol. Sometimes a fic has a title before I've even written the first sentence, sometimes I have to scramble for something, anything in the last few seconds before I publish it. A lot of the time I'll have a working title like "that one really fucked up aokaga oneshot" for pretty much the duration of writing a new fic… and a lot of the time I'll end up using song titles, even though we're past the days of writing songfics. 

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

I think, to a degree, people get different things from my writing than I intended -- which is good! The way a piece of writing can be interpreted completely differently depending on who's reading it is one of the best things about being a writer tbh. I think people might be surprised, though, how different my fics often turn out from how I set out to make them. These days I've usually got a pretty detailed outline for what's going to happen, but even with all the preparation in the world, sometimes a fic will take a sudden detour I didn't expect, or something I wrote before will take on new meaning and change the direction I meant to go in. This definitely happens more with my longer fics, but there are times even with oneshots where I look back at what I set out to write, and what I ended up writing, and they're completely different.

19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

I tend to write a lot of scenes with characters talking while in the car (cars are an intentional motif in ANR, but in something like GWGE there's not actually a lot of narrative purpose to this) I don't know why, maybe because it's a convenient way to have characters talk one-on-one, or maybe it's because I've had a lot of meaningful conversations while riding passenger, couldn't tell you, but it's cropped up more than once in my current fics and will probably feature in some of my upcoming ones (the college AU strikes me as a likely candidate), and I think it's worth taking note of.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

SINCE you mentioned Bring Me Roses, and I never really get to talk about it, pls allow me to go on a lengthy tangent about my most underrated fic of all time. (Like 90% of the reason it's still incomplete almost two years later is because the response when I posted it was so underwhelming, but I still stand by it. Someday I'll finish it, hopefully, if just for myself.) 

I'm so fucking proud of the language in this one. It's not perfect, by any means, but the imagery in my opinion is very strong, and almost every line of dialogue is saying something without really saying it. There are frequent allusions that something happened to Aomine's mother, relatively recently, and that Momoi is worried about him overworking out of grief or guilt, but none of those things are ever actually stated. There's also some pretty heavy implicit flirting between Aomine and Kuroko, even if it's a bit unusual and they're both playing it coy at this stage, the chemistry is there and the interest is mutual. And of course, because it's a florist AU, the flower symbolism… I spent so long researching bouquets, plant husbandry, how to prep and preserve cut flowers, and of course… flower meanings. The main ones that keep getting brought up are dahlias, which have just as many negative connotations as positive ones, including betrayal and instability, but also dignity, creativity and change, and come in a variety of colors shapes and even sizes (Islander or "dinnerplate" dahlias were definitely going to feature in part 2… as well as the connection between them and Aomine's mother). I know a lot of these things might not hit as hard because there's no actual payoff (yet), but still, in terms of "show don't tell" and setting up things to come, I don't think I have a single better example in my fic repertoire, I really went all out with this.

It's a shame I never got to follow through, but I got the impression that there just wasn't a lot of interest, and even if that alone is kind of a dumb reason not to continue, after I worked so hard to pull off what I did, the lack of response really killed my motivation. (I wonder sometimes if it would've been better received if it was an AoKaga fic… actually, I don't need to wonder, I'm sure it would have been, but that's not the story I set out to tell and I'm not going to change it.)

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

Oh, I'd love to do some of my fics as comics. I even tried it at one point; GWGE was going to be a comic originally, before I decided a multichapter fic would probably be less exhausting (the first couple pages are still floating around in my art tag somewhere, though this was back in high school so the quality is… heh).

22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

Yeah… I reread a lot. Usually while I'm working on a new chapter, I'll go over the ones that lead up to it to make sure I don't repeat the same phrases too much and that the continuity lines up, and I'll also admit to going back and just reading my own fics for fun. Sometimes the only one who's written exactly what I want to see is me. 

How I feel about them depends on the fic… some of my older ones are a mix of nostalgia and cringe tbh, but there are some I still genuinely enjoy revisiting from time to time. 

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

Oh hell yeah. For… better and worse, honestly. I feel like I've lost some fluidity and confidence in my writing, and it sometimes turns kind of stilted, so I try to overcompensate which results in pretty jarring changes of tone, but at the same time, I've gotten much better with rhythm and syntax, my grammar skills are always improving, and I'm able to incorporate a lot more intentional meaning and subtext without always stating things outright.

[onegayastronaut]

One Drunk Tribrid (Hope Mikaelson x Reader)

Requested by anon: You have to deal with your drunk girlfriend hope

Words: 1274

Hope was the best girlfriend you could have ever hoped for. Sure, you constantly worried about her when she was out hunting monsters, but you were sure that she would come back to you. And as time went by, you became more and more certain that there is nothing that can keep Hope from being by your side.

One thing that Hope absolutely did not like was going out to parties. They were usually stuffy affairs, and she didn’t like the looks that she attracted whenever she decided to go to one. Being the world’s only tribrid and a Mikaelson, there were bound to be stares. However, you enjoyed going to parties, and you always asked her to go with you. Hope could never say no to you, and she agreed when you sat on her lap and asked if she wanted to go to the party tonight.

When the two of you managed to get to the party, there were students who were already drunk or were playing drinking parties with each other. You saw a group of your classmates sitting in a corner waving you over, and you waved back enthusiastically. “Babe, go.” Hope gave you a light shove towards your friends.

“Are you sure about navigating the supernatural world alone?”

Hope snorted as she rolled her eyes. “I’m sure I’ll manage for the next few hours. Go, have fun with your friends, don’t worry about me.”

“Make sure to have fun, and don’t hesitate to call me if you need me.” You gave Hope a light kiss before skipping off to meet your friends.

The party was better than you could have predicted. It had been a while since you had blown off steam with your friends, and it felt good to not worry about monsters for a few hours. You paced yourself with a bottle of water in between shots, and you were ready for another round when you caught Hope’s eye. When you blew her a kiss, you saw her face redden with a blush. You heard a giggle come from behind you, and you turned around to find Josie.

“Gosh, the two of you are so whipped for each other it’s ridiculous.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that. Hope is the best girlfriend I could ask for.”

“She seems to think the same about you. She hasn’t been able to stop talking about you all night.”

You blushed at the fact that Hope had been talking about you to pretty much everyone. As you looked over in Hope’s direction, you saw her down a few more shots and laugh at a joke that one of the werewolves said. It was nice to see Hope open up to the other students at school. You said bye to Josie as you went back to your group and continued downing drinks. It might be awhile before you were able to have this much fun again.

After a few hours of fun, you decided that it would be a good time to start heading back and get some rest before it got too late. You looked around for your girlfriend and saw her talking to a vampire that you recognized from class. As you got closer to her, you heard Hope talking loudly about you. “My girlfriend is the most beautiful girl in the world. She is so pretty, and I am so in love with her. I would do anything for her, and did I tell you that I would absolutely do anything to make her happy?” The vampire started giggling as he saw you approach him, and he pointed at you as you got closer.

As you came up behind Hope to hug her, she realized that you were there with her. She immediately turned around and gave you a messy kiss. You could taste the vodka and tequila on her lips, and the smell of alcohol flooded your senses as she held you close to her.

“Babyyyyyy, did I tell you how beautiful you are tonight?”

“Babe, you’re drunk, let’s get back to the dorm and lay down a bit.”

“Okay baby. As long as you know how pretty and amazing you are.” You blushed as Hope continued her rain of compliments. Finally, you managed to catch sight of Lizzie, and you waved her towards you.

“Hey Lizzie! Could you help me with Hope for a minute? I just have to get her some water before helping her back to our room.”

“Sure, (Y/N). Anything for a friend.” Lizzie gave you a small smile as you ran off to find some water.

As you came back, you could hear Hope talking again. As you drew closer, you could see Lizzie patiently nodding as Hope went off on another tangent about you. “Did you know that (Y/N) has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen? She is sooo warm, and I love cuddling with her. She is soft like a teddy bear, and I feel so safe whenever I’m with her. And even though I know I’m stronger and faster because I’m a tribrid, she’s the one who protects me most of the time.”

Once Lizzie saw you, she impatiently waved you over. “Did you know that she has been talking about you from the minute you left? I know that the two of you are in love, but Hope can’t stop telling anyone who will listen about just how much of a badass that you are.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve heard enough to get a gist of what’s been going on.” As you looked over at Hope, she blew you a kiss through half-closed eyes. Lizzie gave an impatient snort from the back of her throat as you gave Hope the water and tried to get her to drink it. Your flustered expression as Hope went to sit on your lap caused some raised eyebrows, but your ears might at well have been set on fire so you didn’t care who was looking at the moment.

“Babe, let’s get back to our room, okay?”

“Okay, beautiful.” Hope drunkenly kissed your cheek and proceeded to make her way on your lap again. You took this opportunity to pick her up and started carrying her back to the dormitories bridal style. As you carried Hope back, she kept touching your arms and marveled at your strength. “I have such a strong girlfriend. I love you so much.”

“I know, baby. We’re almost back home.”

Once you got back to your room, you set Hope down on your bed. She held your sweater that was on the bed to her face, and hummed a little bit. Your sweater smelled like your favorite perfume, and she loved that. She would always feel so safe whenever she would wear something that belonged to you (which explained why all of your sweaters kept going missing). Before you knew it, she had managed to get your sweater over her head and was asleep. Because you were a few inches taller than her, your sweater was a tad big for her and the sweater reached all the way down to her mid-thigh. You were sure that you’ve never seen anyone as cute as she is right now, and you couldn’t be happier.

When you clambered onto the bed next to her, Hope mumbled your name and reached over to hold you closer to her. Your heart warmed as she laid her head on your chest. The two of you can debate who was the stronger girlfriend tomorrow. Tonight, you just wanted to enjoy the feeling of having your girlfriend here on top of you.

[feeshies]

OTP asks number 19 for *all of them*. Please. Thanks. I need the fluff.

otp asks

19. If they could each write a single line in their marriage vows, what would they be?

oh no i’m really bad at this ;0; i won’t write the exact vows, but i’ll summarize the gist.

shava: she’s new to writing and she gets embarrassed when talking about her emotions (especially in public), so her vows are really blunt and short.  They end with “so....yeah...”zevran:  he made his vows super romantic and stuffed to the brim with flowing poetic imagery - just to mess with her.

marcus:  he did have something written out, but during the ceremony he gets caught up in the emotions and he goes off-script.  anders does that to him.anders: he wanted this ceremony to be as fast as possible because they’re still on the run.  his vows are heartfelt, but short.  he is not pleased with marcus taking his time with the ceremony.

mihika:  her vows are incredibly long, go off on multiple tangents, and she thanks everyone in her clan personally for intending.  even if the words themselves aren’t heartfelt, her crying after every other word helps heighten the emotion.solas: he didn’t actually write vows.  they never got married.  mihika wrote vows right after their first kiss and nothing came from them.

talassan: he never had an official ceremony with his first wife, so he wants to make up for that.  super dalish.  most of his vows are in elven, but he still honors her with them.morrigan:  she started learning elven herself so she sprinkled some of that in.  she still thinks vows are kind of dumb, but she went with it because it made tallasan happy.

uaine: they planned on having light-hearted joke-filled vows, but they couldn’t deliver them without crying.  they’re just so happy.  it was touching, but the delivery was butchered.isabela:  she succeeded in keeping the tone light.  probably made more references to her ex-husband’s murder than what is typically expected of marriage vows, but they were still touching in her own charming way.

kozda:  she already had traditional dwarven vows planned out for her, but that was before she decided to marry for love.  she pours her heart out on that altar.  it doesn’t matter if she no longer looks like the poised dwarven princess.  this is her moment goddammit.gorim:  he feels a bit self conscious that his vows aren’t as poetic and emotionally-driven as hers, but his flustered delivery makes it work.  he was honored to serve for years as her knight, but now he’s her husband.  he loves her so much holy shit my Kahlua is kicking in.

aminah:  she thinks that puns and memes will mask her nerves.  they don’t.  she also goes off on a tangent about how pretty joyce is.joyce:  her vows are surprisingly romantic and beautifully written.  but she’s still her father’s daughter, so it does get weird at points.

ariane: i actually wrote vows a while back for ariane&finn so i’ll just copy and paste

ariane:  “When you walked into my life, yelling at the Hero of Ferelden for holding a book incorrectly, I should have known you were the one for me.  I am not the best with words - that’s what you’re here for.  But I will be here to be your bodyguard, adventuring partner, scholarly source, jar-opener, and your wife.  I’m sorry, I said I’m not good at writing.  It took me an hour to write that.  How do you make it look so easy?  I love you.  Stop laughing!”

finn: “From the moment I chose to leave the Circle, you made every day of my life an adventure.  As we prepare to embark on this next journey, I must thank whatever force watches over us, whether the Maker or the Creators, for allowing our paths to cross.  I don’t know what lies ahead, but the unknown is less frightening when I know you’ll be here facing it with me.”

(also finn’s vows are all in elven)

quentin/revka:  i’m pairing them together because their vows were equally disturbing.  they both detailed what they planned to do with each other’s bodies after they died.  none of their family members were present at the ceremony.

quentin/orsino:  they never got married.  quentin wasn’t emotionally prepared to go through that again and orsino had writer’s block.

[sage-nebula]

How long have you known you have ADD and what clued you in that you have it?

MMM, this is kind of a tough question.

First, as a disclaimer: This is one of two disorders I’m 99% sure I have but haven’t been officially diagnosed with, the other being delayed sleep phase disorder. I’ve been officially diagnosed with C-PTSD, chronic severe depression, an anxiety disorder, and a learning disability in math, but I have not been officially diagnosed with attention deficit disorder or delayed sleep phase disorder (the former of which because I’ve never brought it up with a doctor, and the latter of which because I’ve yet to find a doctor who believes me). That said, though, I was very sure that I had C-PTSD, chronic severe depression, an anxiety disorder, and a learning disability in math before I was ever diagnosed with any of those, so while I’m not officially diagnosed with ADD or DSPD at this point in time, the fact that I hit pretty much every symptom checkbox for both makes me feel just as sure about those two as I do all the rest. (And honestly, I would have a diagnosis for DSPD if only anyone would BELIEVE ME, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Anyway, to answer your question . . .

I honestly first started suspecting it back when I was in high school. There were commercials on TV for medication to help with “adult ADD,” and the symptoms described in those commercials (difficulty focusing, difficulty keeping track of time, procrastinating, etc) all sounded like me. Of course I wasn’t an adult at the time, but I also wasn’t a young child, like the typical person you see diagnosed with ADHD. Furthermore, the symptoms sounded very different from what I’d always been led to believe ADHD was (hyperactive, bouncing off the walls, et cetera), so I thought that I might have “adult ADD,” as was described in the commercials. That said, I never brought it up with my parents because they didn’t even believe me when I said was burnt out junior year and that was why I failed math, and instead just decided that I was lazy and unwilling to try, so. I figured there was no point in bringing it up with them.

I kind of forgot about it in the years that followed until, funnily enough, I saw some posts on tumblr where people talked about some less commonly known symptoms that fit me perfectly. I think the one that stood out to me the most (though I can’t find it now) was a post about being unable to sit in a chair properly. I’m going to level with you: I cannot sit in a chair with both feet on the floor for more than two or three minutes to save my life. It is so uncomfortable. Ever since I was a kid I always pulled my feet up onto my chair, and I never sit in one position for too long. Sometimes I sit cross-legged, other times it’s with both feet on the chair and my knees drawn up, sometimes it’s one knee up and the other cross-legged, and so on and so forth. I shift position and squirm around constantly, not because I’m hyper, but because I just can’t sit in one position for too long without feeling massively uncomfortable. There was a post here on tumblr about how that inability to sit still and properly in chairs is a lesser known symptom of ADD in women, and that made me start wondering if perhaps my high school curiosity about whether I could have ADD or not had some merit to it after all. (Of course, no online symptom sites list “can’t sit in chairs properly” as a symptom, but you know. These things happen.)

So I started to do more research online, going to different websites to see what I could find. And what I found is that Inattentive-Type ADD fits me perfectly. As a brief rundown:

Missing details and becoming distracted easily: I can be detail oriented if it’s something I’m very interested in (or something I’m trying very hard to focus on), but otherwise I do have a tendency to blaze through and skim things, taking shortcuts because I assume I already know the thing even if I actually don’t. As for distractions? Oh boy. At my old job in particular I had to have headphones and music on if I was to focus on work orders / e-mails because otherwise the noise around me was so much of a distraction I couldn’t focus on any one thing. But even then, it could not be any music with lyrics, because the lyrics would distract me and send me into daydreams before I realized what was happening! I also tend to get distracted in the sense that I can be doing one task and get distracted by another task, or can have my thoughts jump around a lot as I leap from tangent to tangent . . . that’s less noticeable in writing, but that’s part of why I prefer to communicate in writing. It’s easier to keep my thoughts organized if I have time to sort them out first.

Trouble focusing on the task at hand: Talked about this above, but yeah, unless it’s something super interesting to me, keeping my focus on one thing can feel like an insurmountable task. Like I said before, at my previous job the only way I could knock out a bunch of work orders or support e-mails at once was if I had headphones on. Otherwise? My attention would flit from conversation to conversation while I mindlessly played with my phone or went from tab to tab (without really looking at anything) on my laptop, because my attention just could not hold because it was pulled in too many different directions. It was hell. (My new job is much quieter, which is a big relief.)

Becoming bored quickly: Hahaaaa, oh my god. You might have noticed, but I’m “in” about ten different fandoms at once, usually. And this is because it’s so, so hard to hold my interest on any one thing! Like I do have some life-long interests, such as Pokémon, but even then I also have so many other things that I’m like and that I find to entertain myself with because I cannot handle boredom, and that includes being unable to handle doing the same thing over, and over, and over. Believe it or not, that was the worst part of retail for me. It wasn’t dealing with the coworkers that I hated the most, oh no. It was the sheer monotony of having to do the same goddamn thing over and over again for eight bloody hours in a row. I distinctly remember at my last retail job feeling like my brain was actually, physically rotting, and like it would have been a mercy to scrape it out with a windshield ice scraper than to continue doing that job. At least when customers screamed at me it gave me something new to say and do. When it was just another routine day at the Barnes & Noble? That’s when I wished for sweet, merciful death (and a swift one, unlike the slow one that boredom inflicts). I should also mention that at this point I have gotten up from my seat no less than five times purely because I felt distracted and wanted to walk around a bit.

Daydreaming frequently: I have trouble with long movies because I will get distracted by something inane in the movie, get taken away on a daydream trip, and then come back sometime later only to realize I no longer have any idea what’s going on in the movie. I daydream while I’m driving (though don’t worry, I can still pay attention to the road; when it comes to driving I can multitask this). I daydream in the shower, I daydream at work, I daydream while falling asleep, I’m almost never not goddamn daydreaming. Ffs, I will be having a conversation with someone and as they’re talking to me my attention will snap to something else and I’ll go off on a thought tangent / daydream. I guess that could also fit under “easily distracted” but you get the gist. My whole life has been nothing but daydreams. There are baby pictures of me where I look like I was sedated by my parents, but actually I was probably just daydreaming even then. It’s been my perpetual state as long as I can remember.

Executive dysfunction: I have trouble keeping organized, and I procrastinate everything, even things I want to do. I will want to play a video game, but instead of turning on the game I will sit here and flip mindlessly through different internet tabs because I just cannot bring myself to start the task. And again, I do this with everything! Writing, doing chores, eating, going to bed, waking up---you name it, I procrastinate it, and this is on top of not being able to keep things organized despite how much I vastly prefer it when things are neat and tidy. I had to buy myself a schedule book just so I could try to remember when my bills are due and when my appointments are (and it does help, when I remember to use it). But honestly, I could have a terrible headache, and yet actually getting up to take medicine---or just reaching over to grab the bottle that’s conveniently within reach---feels like a task I just cannot start. It’s absurd, and yet I’ve always been like this. (Ofc if you ask my parents I’m just lazy, but again, this is even with things I want to do, like video games, or getting out of my car when I get home instead of messing with my phone for ten minutes first. It’s like the gears of my brain get stuck and I just cannot get them to move.)

 Hyperfocusing: While I am incredibly easily distracted at times, at the same time when I get into something, I get really into it, and sometimes this kicks my brain into a hyperfocused state (which I didn’t even realize until recently was a hyperfocused state) where I cannot do anything else other than that task, including sleeping, eating, or otherwise taking care of myself. This usually happens with cleaning, but it can also happen with video games, with show binging, or other similar activities. Once I’m in the zone, I’m in the zone and I don’t come out of that zone until my brain has decided it has had enough / the thing is done. (Similarly, I get hyperfixations where I’m SUPER INTO one thing for a while, often churning out tons of content and such for it until it runs its course through my system. This is also when my attention to detail actually returns to me and I can remember minute details of things I love.)

And so on and so forth, you get the idea. I’ve taken a few different online tests as well, such as one I just now took that said a score of 51% or higher means that you should see a mental health professional for a diagnosis, and I scored 75%. Of course, online checklists and self-tests aren’t surefire diagnoses, but at the same time these are often very similar to the worksheets that doctors hand you in their offices. It’s not a diagnosis, but it’s something that indicates that there is something going on that you (or in this case, I) should probably have checked out.

So all in all, researching ADD and reading about the different types and how different symptoms present in different people makes me think I have it. It’s not something I thought about or fully realized until well into my adult years, but hey, at least I’ve got an idea now. (And tbh I think I have sort of a combined type going on due to the chair and fidgeting thing, as well as how fast I talk and how my mouth often has trouble keeping up with my thoughts, but still.) It also explains a lot about my childhood, adolescence, and even adult years, just like the mathematics learning disability did. It’s a missing piece to help me understand why my brain has always been like . . . this. 

At any rate, hope this sates your curiosity, anon. And if you’re looking into this for yourself, I wish you the best of luck!

[cover2covermom]

Hello bookworms!

It feels so great to type those words.  You cannot imagine how tough it has been on me these past few weeks to be on a blogging hiatus…

How about a little update?

In case you missed it, earlier this month I announced that I would be on a blogging hiatus for the unforeseeable future.  You can read the original post here → Weekly Wrap-Up: 7/31 – 8/6/17 + Blogging Hiatus.  Basically the gist of the situation is that we bought a new home that needs a complete renovation, so I am very overwhelmed with the new house remolding AND getting our current home ready to put on the market.  Let’s just say I am in bed by 9pm these days 🙂

For those interested in where we are in the renovation process (if not you should skip this paragraph lol), the house has been completely gutted inside and out.  Currently we are working on the “rough-in” process with the electric & plumbing.  Next week we hope to get started with drywall.  We decided on a new kitchen layout/design (such a pain in the ass) and have our kitchen cabinets ordered.  We also finalized all of our flooring this week.  I met with our paint rep to decide interior & exterior paint colors this week as well.   Slowly everything is starting to come together 🙂  As far as our current house goes, I’ve been purging our home of all nonessential possessions.  You never realize how much crap you’ve been hoarding until its time to move.  We also have painted the main living areas (living room, kitchen, dinning room, and bathroom) a more neutral color.  Whew!

Despite this crazy project we have begun, it hasn’t really slowed down my reading.  I owe this all to audiobooks!  They really have saved my sanity over these past few weeks of painting, decluttering, packing, making renovation decisions, etc. etc.  HOWEVER this past month without blogging has been much harder on me than I ever imagined.  I have decided that I simply cannot go another month without blogging.  That’s right my friends, I will be back in September!  If this means posting only once or twice a week, then so be it.  I will also be back to blog hopping as much as I can.  I cannot wait to play a little catch up this weekend and see what all my blogger friends have been up to while I’ve been gone 🙂

Oh yeah.  I almost forgot, this happened while on my hiatus…

I hit 500 WordPress followers on Cover2CoverMom!  Thank you to everyone who has hit that follow button.

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*Book titles link to Goodreads

» The Luster of Lost Things by Sophie Chen Keller

Feelings in a few thoughts: magic realism ¤ journey where MC discovers their inner strength ¤ MC with motor speech disorder ¤ recommend to food lovers, dog lovers, and NY lovers ¤ heartwarming & sweet read ¤ struggled a bit with some of the magical realism elements at first – this was probably more because I didn’t read the book description prior to reading the book

» The Zookeeper’s Wife by Diane Ackerman

Feelings in a few thoughts: WWII Poland under German occupation ¤ loved learning about Jan and Antonina Zabinski & how the helped save hundreds of lives ¤ interesting perspective of life living at a zoo ¤ would recommend to animal lovers ¤ felt like the author went off on tangents ¤ wonderfully narrated audiobook ¤ not sure I would have gotten through it in print form – my mind wandered a bit during the “tangents”

» The Sleeper and the Spindle by Neil Gaiman

Feelings in a few thoughts:  short story ¤ fairytale retelling – Snow White/Sleeping Beauty mash up ¤ Zombies? ¤ LOVED the twist! ¤ short & sweet book to read between books ¤ audiobook well done with full cast

» The Ship Beyond Time (The Girl From Everywhere #2) by Heidi Heilig

Feelings in a few thoughts: I still love this unique concept: time travel through maps ¤ loved seeing Kash’s POV ¤ really like the history & mythology woven throughout ¤ Slate felt off ¤ wanted a little more world building in regards to the mythical utopia ¤ despite some of my other issues, I still love this book & this series

 » Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter

Feelings in a few thoughts: this book takes the award for “most f***ed up book” I’ve read this year ¤ lots of triggering content ¤ many aspects were a little too farfetched ¤ great pacing – a real page turner ¤ not for the faint of heart ¤ audiobook well narrated

» The Fifth Season (The Broken Earth #1) by N.K. Jemisin

Feelings in a few thoughts:  had a hard time wrapping my mind around this world at first, I was often confused about what was going on in the first half of the book ¤  I’ve never read a POV in 2nd person before ¤ slower paced novel ¤ this book captured my attention in the second half ¤ the way the author weaves this tale is very clever ¤ very unique concept – fresh take on post apocalyptic fiction ¤ will continue on with series

» Amina’s Voice by Hena Khan

Feelings in a few thoughts: #DiverseKidLit: Muslim main character ¤ beautiful middle grade book ¤ tackles some heavy topics in a very appropriate way ¤ adored the themes: friendship, community, faith, and self discovery ¤ really enjoyed learning more about Muslim culture & customs ¤ adored how the author brought different religions together in this book – religious tones uplifting and not preachy ¤ I feel like most children will be able to relate to Amina in one way or another ¤ wonderful book for the classroom setting

» Anne of Windy Poplars (Anne of Green Gables #4) by L.M. Montgomery

Feelings in a few thoughts: my least favorite Anne of Green Gables book thus far ¤ beloved characters absent from this book almost completely (Marilla, Diana, etc. etc.) ¤ format felt off – changing from letters from Anne to Gilbert to 3rd person ¤ too much “fluff” and not enough “meat” to the plotline

» The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender by Leslye Walton

Feelings in a few thoughts:  despite the title, this book is not only about Ava Lavender, but also about those she descends from – we don’t meet Ava until much later in the book ¤ magic realism ¤ “The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows” portion of the title is spot on – there is definitely something strange and beautiful about this book ¤ definitely not a light hearted read – this book is filled with tragedy ¤ contains triggering content ¤ I cannot put my finger on what it was about this book, but it has a very whimsical feel that entranced me

 I am already above the number of total books I read in 2016 (82 books), and will hit my 2017 reading goal of 90 books in September most likely.   Will 2017 be the year I break 100 books read in one year?

Since I was on hiatus this month, I obviously didn’t get much up on the blog.

 July 2017 Wrap-Up + Book Haul

August 2017 TBR

Kids’ Corner: Story Writing Activity for Kids Via Education.Com 

eBooks:

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» The Golem and the Jinni (The Golem and the Jinni #1) by Helene Wecker

» A Thousand Pieces of You by (Firebird #1) by Claudia Gray

» The Thousandth Floor (The Thousandth Floor #1) by Katharine McGee

  Because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had the time to buy many books this month!  My wallet & bookshelves are thankful for this 🙂

Which books did you read this month?

Have you read any of the books I read or hauled this month?  If so, what did you think?

Did you buy any books?  If so, which ones?

Comment below and let me know 🙂

My August #wrapup + #bookhaul is up on the #blog! I also give a hiatus update. #BookBlogger Hello bookworms! It feels so great to type those words.  You cannot imagine how tough it has been on me these past few weeks to be on a blogging hiatus...

[wildestthicket]

She came into my work the other day, which isn’t like. Impossible. I work at a specialty store that people come into every day and she just happened to show up when I was working. I didn’t know she was back in town, she didn’t know I worked there.

My brain was so jarred that it spat out someone who didn’t know her or recognize her, and she pretended not to recognize us either. I went to the back and had a meltdown after she left.

She messaged me on facebook about a week after it happened to apologize since ���I’ had asked her never to contact ‘me’ again. She wanted to check to see what she should do so I felt safe at work to the point of offering to get someone I didn’t know come in and get stuff for her so I wouldn’t have to see her again.

I just want to tell her what happened and why shit fell apart the way it did so I’m going to write it down here to sort it out for myself at least and so I don’t message her on an impulse because this all feels too much like fate.

In high school I became the host again (afaik iv, Fe, and Sly showed up intermittently when they needed to, as you do) and met her. Long story short she was my best friend and I was completely in love with her. We had a lot of the same interests, she introduced me to books and music that are still important to all of us. Most of my world had her somewhere in it. It was like that for two years and I know there were problems, things weren’t perfect. There was the self professed ‘native american fetish’ of hers and other stuff I can’t call to mind right now. I didn’t have the guts to bring it up and chance losing the most important person to me right then.

And for once the person who was the most important to me seemed to really care about me too? We talked constantly and. Yeah. I don’t know. Two years of having someone I could tell anything and feel like just maybe it was mutual. I got a notebook that I was determined to use as the notebook to plan my novel, which she’d listened to me blab about for hours on end. She wrote something for me in the back of it and made me promise not to read it until I had filled the book.

Then she graduated and I had my back surgery. I’m not sure at which point I went dormant, but it was somewhere in the first two months. It was too painful, and I was horrified that in my eyes I had elected to ruin my body. Eli became host because he was made for handling pain and we still aren’t sure if our brain copied my pertinent personality traits onto him, if we were similar to start with since we were two versions of the same kid but with different jobs, or if we had a drastic personality change that everyone around us chalked up to growing up and going through intensive surgery.

Either way, I went away. In my place was someone who knew who Kelowna was, but didn’t have any emotional attachment to her whatsoever and was terrified and disgusted by himself over how little he cared. But he couldn’t have. He also couldn’t have known. I used to hate Eli so much over letting her go and not trying harder to hold on to that relationship, but how could he have?

For a while he kept texting her, he went up to visit her a couple times after she moved away. I think I showed up at one point during the second trip. There’s an entire page of a sketchbook we bought on that trip filled with the words ‘MAKE IT WORTH IT’. There was this feeling that Eli had of going through the motions while we were around her.

At some point after that second (I think there were two? I honestly can’t remember) trip communication started to drop off. I think that was when I stopped fronting altogether because I thought we might never be able to transition because of our back surgery. The next bits are blurry for me. At some point during grade 12, after not having talked to her for a few months, Eli got a new follower who started to interact with a lot of his transition related posts. Their url kind of implied that either they were trans too or at least were trans centric, he didn’t think much of it. He liked the attention, like any of us would. There’s one specific post we remember where this follower said something like ‘oooh can you make me coffee in that outfit?’ and another where they called Eli handsome in one of his shirtless binder pictures for a review of it so we decided to check out their blog to determine if this was a creep or someone we wanted to maybe be friends with.

We scrolled for a little while, it looked like a diary blog and an account of her wife’s transition. Then at the very bottom of the blog there was an apology post addressing Eli (or me, I only chose the name Keirren because when we sorted system stuff out, Eli was the one doing it and the name was effectively his at that point. I chose Eli when I figured out I was trans, but Keirren was the first name I chose for myself online so I went with that one in the end) by name. I can’t remember the exact contents of the post, that memory is Eli’s, but the gist of it was that she felt at fault for letting the relationship fall apart. Eli knew that he was the one who ghosted, but at that point had no idea why he’d done it.

He exited the tab and decided to just not address it. School was too stressful to bother with much else, our Nanny had just died (which made iv go dormant for a while, also cutting off even more of our emotional range) and our parents’ abusive behavior was at its worst then.

A couple weeks later he decided it was best to just say something instead of beating around the bush, and went to find the apology post so he could reference specific bits of stuff to make sure he got everything. The post had been deleted. He figured that the apology (that he didn’t really think was necessary, in fact he thought he should be the one apologizing) was retracted, that she didn’t want to get back in contact with us again.

That was that. For a while. She kept interacting with him through that blog, and had no identifying information that would have tipped us off to it being her on it if we hadn’t seen that post.

There were a few instances of him checking the blog to see if she had made another post at us and the two of them vaguing back and forth.

Eli felt. Skeeved out. But he didn’t know how to go about addressing any of it because there was this big fucking hole in his memory, or reasoning, or something, about why he’d just let go of someone who had been so important to ‘him’. He graduated, took a gap year, and at some point during that, she texted us.

We had no idea she still had our number, and she sent us a shitload of texts. I don’t remember the contents of any of it, all I know is that it ended in Eli telling her to fuck off and never contact us again. Partly because he was scared of sounding like he was making excused or a bad person for not knowing why he did what he did, partly because he was understandably angry and freaked out.

I think it was a few months after that that Eli finally gained an inkling of what was going on with our brain, that there was an ‘us’ instead of a ‘him’. At that point it was just Fever and iv. Then we went to university.

Cue one of the worst mental breakdowns Eli has ever had, bad enough that he got sucked inworld after a hospitalization and I got spat back out to the front for the first time in... Three years? Maybe a little less, but this was the first time I was solidly present for more than a handful of hours in at least two years. At least that.

The last two years while we were away at school and trying to survive halfway across the country aren’t. Super relevant to this so I’ll give some highlights.

Eli told his partner about all of the above. We figured out that it was me who was friends with Kelowna, mostly since I missed her so fucking much and kept wanting to get back in contact with her. I became a member of the main fronting group after pulling some really horrible shit and consequently patching things up with the people I hurt. I grew up a lot, and I’m so fucking happy I got to where I am.

There were a couple times that our paranoia got so bad that we thought we saw her around the city we were in even though that was nearly impossible.

During a visit home with Eli’s partner (wait shit, this particular instance would have been before they moved with us. Okay so this was with Eli’s partner, but just before they moved with us) we put all of the stuff of Kelowna’s we still had in a bag, drove down to where her parents lived in the middle of the night, and chucked it over the fence. Eli wanted closure, I knew all I would ever do with that stuff was use it to cling on to memories and a relationship that would never go back to how it was before.

So for the time between my re-emergence and now, I’ve grown up a lot, but I still spend a significant amount of time thinking about her. About what could have happened differently. Wanting to tell her what happened. Sometimes knowing it’s just out of my need/want for closure over the whole situation, and other times self righteously going ‘She deserves to know after what I did to her!’. I’m not sure how true either of those things are.

I’m either a holder for all of our feelings and memories of her, or I just plain old fucking miss her because she was my best friend. Maybe I’m bitter because I want my life back still. Because I didn’t get to grow up and I probably never will. All I ever wanted was to prove that I could make it out of high school and survive out from under my parents’ thumb and not give up or kill myself and that didn’t happen. Maybe I’m projecting. I didn’t kill myself, but a lot of me still feels like I gave up. I don’t know. i have a lot of shit to sort out and this tangent is getting out of hand.

About half a year ago, we moved back here to get our shit in order. We got a job, we got on assistance, we figured out a living situation for the time being.

And then she walked into our job about a month ago.

Then she messaged us about two weeks ago.

And all of this, all six years of this condensed down into rapid flashbacks and memories I wish I’d never tried to push away coming back to me, came bubbling back up.

I miss her so much.

I know it’s the stupidest thing but the messages sent us just sound like she’s grown and changed a lot.

I still want to tell her and I have no idea what to do.

So I spent an hour writing all of this so I wouldn’t message her and so I could get all of this sorted out in order in my head and I think I have things as in order as I’ve had them in a while

And now I have no idea what to do with all of it.

Like, great, I have a chronological account of what happened how I remember it happening, but where do i go now? At this point I’m just writing this to keep myself from switching back to the Facebook tab I have open where I have her message up and talking to her.

So. Yeah. That’s been my month.