#socializing with others because i was like. pretty obviously autistic but never got help or a diagnosis so im just a bit uhhh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tasteofgummies · 2 years

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Cool! May I request an aromantic!jotaro getting a hardcore squish on a nonbinary, cool but shy classmate that dreams of being a conservation biologist? Like he wants a queerplatonic relationship with them but doesn’t know how to go about it (this is kujo we’re talking about he struggles with the feels). It doesn’t help that they’re oblivious to his uncharacteristic interest in them (though they think his presence is nice) and he’s trying his best to get to know them without being an ass. How does their relationship come to be?

Fun fact: I had to force myself to sit down and actually write this, because I was so excited about it that I would just start to do stimming, flapping my hands and giggling, which obviously didn't help me write 💀

This happens after the Egypt trip, in which everyone survived and Jotaro went back to school and meet reader

I wanted to get more in depth about the conservation biologist part, but it was already so long:/

I slipped in a bit of autistic!Jotaro because there's no way this dude is neurotypical

Red: Kakyoin

Blue: Jotaro

Aromantic!Jotaro x nb!classmate!reader 🤍

Cw: none, but is long

>Jotaro probably wouldn't realize he's aro, like some people, (it's me, I'm some people) he thinks it just hasn't happened yet, or that he doesn't know anyone good enough

>It's Kakyoin who probably tells him there's such thing as being aromantic, and not everyone experiences romantic attraction. Jotaro is okay with this, he kinda grew up knowing that he was different, so it isn't a shock to realize "oh, something else I don't get"

>He's pretty neutral about it, he never envisioned his happiness being tied to romantic love in the first place

>So he kept his routine, skipping class, getting in fights, hanging out with his new friend, staring at his classmate... Staring at his classmate?

>You were a new student, and pretty much since you set foot in this school, everyone told you to stay away from Jotaro, some were interested in him and didn't want any more rivals, some were looking after you, thinking he may be a bad influence

>He had quite a reputation, even though it was hard to spot him around the school, he didn't left the building, but still, he never entered the classroom

>You also saw him around Noriaki Kakyoin a lot, it was weird because Kakyoin was nice, helped you around when you were lost, and didn't yell at anyone

>So you had three ways to see this situation: first, that Kakyoin was not as good as you thought, that Jotaro was some sort of charity work for Kakyoin, or that Jotaro wasn't as bad as you thought

>I mean, judging someone just for rumors was a bad thing to do, but it's not like you were planning on approaching him anytime soon

>Until you got paired in a biology project (the only class Jotaro ever attended)

>Some envied you, some pitied you

>You had many subjects to chose from, however-

>"Starfishes." Jotaro said, making a little bit too much of eye contact

>"Huh?"

>"The subject for the project. We're doing starfishes" he left little to no room to protest, and you complied

>Doing the project, you two found out how similar you were in many things

>And Jotaro could be harsh, and not really comprehend social interaction as a whole, but he was fair and comfortable to be around

>You even started hanging out after the project was done!

>"And... So we went to the aquarium." His usually tanned skin was now glowing red, but maintaining a deadpan expression

>"So you're dating them, uh" Noriaki said "Didn't thought you would go for the shy type" he was calmly eating his lunch while Jotaro seemed to get neon red now

>"I don't know what you're talking about, seriously. Besides, it's like I can fall in love or something like that"

>"You can still be interested in sharing other parts of your life with someone"

>"They're just a friend."

>"Do you wanna take me to a café and the aquarium then?~" Kakyoin teased, for a boy that had no friends a couple months before, he sure had gotten confident

>"Not really. It's not the same"

>"Then you have your answer"

>Cue a very flustered JoJo and Kakyoin walking away smiling

>Kakyoin enjoys teasing his friend, but won't intercede and play matchmaker, Jotaro has charmed half of the school, sure he can get you without help, right? Right?

>No, no, he can't

>After (a month) he realized that what he wanted from you was a queerplatonic relationship, he wanted to have different experiences with you, to express his love in a deeper way

>But he got way to nervous to come near you, plus all the loud people disturbing him when he entered school

>To everyone, it was obvious Jotaro felt something for you, he avoided your gaze, got red when you complimented him, you could hear him saying his catchphrase way more often while hiding smiles under his hat, it was embarrassing, maybe even a little pathetic

>And there were you, completely oblivious

>"JoJo, why are you wearing that coat? It's hot outside, and you're all red, just drop the fashion statement and let yourself breathe" you said, confused

>"Y/N is right, spring is starting, maybe you could wear something more season appropriate" Before his friend could reply, he looked at you and politely smiled, "Don't you think the cherry blossoms look beautiful in spring, Y/N? It's like love is in the air"

>"Allergies are in air, that's for sure" you sneezed while Kakyoin laughed at you (affectionately)

>He plans on just accepting that limbo of "my feelings are too strong for a friend, too feeble for a lover"

>This would have continued if you hadn't met the hero of this story

>Jean-Pierre Polnareff!!! (Also known as a nosy friend)

>It was a get together with Pol, Joseph, and Jotaro (more like Joseph coming out the blue with Polnareff)

>And since this was an unexpected visit, you were casually hanging out in Kujo residence too

>When they came in, you offered to leave, but Holly didn't allow you to, she already cooked dinner for you! Please stay 🥺

>With these troublemakers, and no sane person to stop them at the table, the night went full of comments about how different Jotaro was with you

>As obvious as it was, you didn't notice, I mean, you were the same age, and were hanging out, just the two of you at his house, it's understandable that it may cause some confusion

>But in-between bites of Holly's food, Polnareff said "Oh, now I get it, this is the classmate Kakyoin told us about, now I get why Jotaro wants to date them"

>Silence, absolute silence

>Jotaro yelled at Polnareff to shut the fuck up, and left the table

>You went after him, in part because you wanted to help, and also because you have never been more embarrassed

>You found him smoking in the gardens

>"Sorry about that nosy bastard", he took another puff of his cigarette and then spoke "And just so you don't get uncomfortable, I don't want to date you"

>"You don't?" You asked, dissatisfied with the results of the day

>"Don't look at me like that, I do like you. But- I'm not in love with you, I can't feel it that strongly, strong enough to have a normal relationship with you" he looked down

>"Do you want me by your side? As more than a friend?" You inquired, praying this wouldn't end in rejection for you, after all, it was a pretty bold question

>"Yes."

>Then it doesn't need to be a normal relationship, JoJo."

>He finally looked you in the eye, and you wrapped your arms around him

>He didn't say anything, but even you could guess what his answer was

#no beta we die like men #jjba headcanons #jojo headcanons #jjba x reader #jjba #jotaro x reader #jotaro kujo x reader #jotaro kujo #jotaro kujo x you #jotaro kujo headcanons

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vacantgodling · 9 months

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Tell me about Jenna and her crushhh

What's their dynamic like? Are they endgame?

helloooo thanks for dropping by!

jenna’s (mostly aesthetic) crush is on the IT girl at their small high school/metro (do they even have a working one? probably not) area, chloe mathilders.

here’s a sim of her LMAO she’s black also :3

jenna, chloe and carlos have all known of each other since elementary school, but they ran in different circles. while jenna was wandering off of school grounds during recess, dragging carlos after her, chloe was in the classroom playing with dolls and socializing with the other kids. middle school hit and chloe became athletic and tried almost every sport and jenna would be wandering the separate field with carlos identifying trees and magical creatures that lurked in the bushes. other kids ostracized jenna because she is So Visibly Autistic that it’s impossible to hide, but chloe never really engaged. she didn’t necessarily stick her neck out but she just didn’t pay attention to jenna and carlos or go out of her way to be cruel to them.

jenna’s (aesthetic) crush on chloe probably started when they were around like 5-6th grade and this is around the same time that jenna got into burlesque and pinup models. for those that don’t know that’s jenna’s Huge special interest, especially if they’re 20s themed or closer to the og style and a prominent feature in many models is obviously the beauty mark. jenna’s crush truly developed because she saw that chloe had a beauty mark, associated it with her special interest, and has been kind of quietly admiring her for years. it’s not your traditional kind of crush because jenna isn’t like In Love with chloe; she doesn’t go out of her way to learn about her or what she does, or who she spends time with. nor does she try to get noticed by her at all. she just likes looking at her LMAO.

so for a very long while up until high school there was just nothing. no relationship no dynamic, just a person you’ve known your whole life via proximity but never any deeper than oh you exist. and then chloe ends up needing their help with a supernatural Incident involving her mother (i still have to figure out what exactly the issue is).

MIND YOU: no one in this wip knows about magic sans for the mcs and whatnot so magic existing at ALL is news to chloe. sure, she heard jenna talk all the time about how her moms were witches and shit like that (bc jenna is incapable of lying) but like everyone else she just thought jenna was weird — she didn’t think it warranted jenna being picked on BUT she did just think she was odd. so magic existing? crazy. she doesn’t know who to go to, cuz her popular friends would no way in HELL believe her if she said that some magic bs happened. so she ends up going to jenna and carlos.

carlos, is immediately suspicious of her intentions (bc he protecc) but jenna as always is pretty happy to help her. even probably says something so straightforward like “well, carlito, we have to help her. i mean, how often does your crush come up to you and ask for help?” and chloe is very HUH?????? but to be fair so so much of chloe in this story is her being like this is fucking insane and carlos is like yeah welcome to the club.

chloe ends up gaining a respect for carlos and jenna and ends up getting surprisingly close to the two of them. but it doesn’t mean she gives up or shuns her friends, though she is more vocal about people leaving jenna and carlos alone.

in terms of endgame, they’re not, never become an official couple. chloe is straight, and jenna having being autistic and ace as modifiers for being a mspec lesbian makes her not really like apt to pursue a traditional romantic relationship. she, chloe and carlos do get very close. (i can see chloe confiding in carlos and saying honeslty sometimes i wish i could be into girls and be in this world of y’all’s. i just don’t know if i’m cut out for it and carlos gives good advice etc etc). but i mean, even at the end of the day, jenna’s eventually gonna become a virtually immortal witch and immortalizes carlos as her familiar so even if she and chloe were a thing chloe would end up dying unfortunately (in the long run).

N E WAY tho, real end game is carlos and jenna lmaooo.

#s: jenna the reaper

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spinrekiyo · 1 year

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My main Korekiyo Shinguji hcs:

Korekiyo Shinguji • they/them (though doesn’t mind any) • pansexual • acespec • autistic • they have a service dog named meadow

Kiyo’s service dog is a white labradoodle. Her name is Meadow. She is 3.5 years old. Her tasks are circling Korekiyo in a crowd, dpt when overstimulated, keeping people distanced from them, staying near them giving a sense of security, picking up items if needed, making Kiyo take meds consistently, and calming them when in panic attacks or meltdowns. She is a very good dog.

Kiyo adopted Meadow from a shelter at around 8 months old. Her past owner was not kind to her and abandoned her. Korekiyo was looking for a service dog and a new best friend, immediately connected with Meadow.

Kiyo named her Meadow because it is a peaceful kind name for a peaceful kind girl.

Kiyo works online with a service dog training course though does training themselves.

Meadow is well trained and wasn’t too strugglesome to teach tasks due to her timid and calm nature

The only problem is she was a bit scared at first though Kiyo has a tame job that isn’t super loud.

Kiyo is ambiamorous. I cannot choose a main ship for them because I believe all of them could have potential. (I believe I may have been the starter of the shinsaiibo movement soooo….)

Korekiyo has two long scars that run along their nose + a slight crook in their nose

They have pretty crooked teeth and a few noticeable gaps + pronounced canines

Straight up missing a tooth

They have sh/harmful stimming scars all over their arms

Very sharp looking smile. Their smile turns upwards and is very pointy and like a snake grin

They have ed tendencies though have a softer complexion nowadays

Their hair is pretty thick in texture though silky and soft

They have a few scars from uh.. her that are on their chest and back and such. They als have a few freckles

They eventually get cool tattoos

They have their bridge pierced and their eyebrow and ears pierced

They enjoy collecting bones, photography, writing stories, DND with the homies, and sleeping

They have POTS

In my head, the timeline for their life is as follows

- mother dies when Kiyo is 8 years old, likely of illness or addiction

- mother was absent, Miyadera was the main caregiver. She’s 6 years older than Kiyo.

- Kiyo had social difficulties growing up though was viewed as a gifted kid

- Miyadera was in and out of the hospital since she was eight with respiratory problems that are genetic on her mothers side.

- Miya always struggled with jealousy issues and problems with being too controlling.

- Miyadera passed away when Korekiyo was 16 and she was 22. She had been extremely sick 16-18, then her health seemed to get a lot better from 19-21, but then got bad again leading up to her death. She never became well enough to pursue full time schooling or work.

-The grieving process for Korekiyo was horrific to say the least. With their older sister being the only person in their life besides their father, they struggled horrifically with suicidal ideation, attempts, and not leaving their home or bedroom.

-they missed the entirety of 10th grade due to her death.

- at 17, korekiyo signed up for danganronpa after watching a few episodes. It wasn’t terrible and maybe they could not want to die

- yeah no, it didn’t help. They consented to being put into virtual reality that felt completely real though it was still legally challenged afterwards for obviously unsafe practices and the fact that mostly minors without the ability to fully grasp what they were signing up for were the ones consenting to that.

- following the events of the game, those who watched it obviously had complaints and concerns with many of the people on the show. Korekiyos ‘sister’ plot was literally just ptsd being played for gags + Kiyo’s mind having the serial killer motive for game purposes. Kiyo never killed anyone they just thought they did.

- local authorities were noted on the situation with Kiyo and many others. They were sent to a psychiatric facility to help them recover to a point where they could be trusted to live a daily life without hurting themselves or others.

-during their treatment Kiyo cut their hair really short while in an episode

- some took longer than others..

- by the time Korekiyo is out of the facility they are 18 and are given financial compensation by team DR for the added psychological damage + exploitation

-they finished 11th and 12th grade

- they then finish and graduate highschool using an online program and getting any other credits they need through their university (they cannot do a public big graduation ceremony at this time)

-cue dysphoric breakdown + gender sexuality realization

- they begin university, specializing in anthropology. They are taking art history and such, where they rediscover Angie. At first that is a horrific ordeal though it quickly becomes pleasant as she has changed a lot and so have they.

- they have an impressive breakdown at school because they’re overstimulated and triggered and anxious which makes them take a week off

- after that week, their therapist suggests that they seek out a service dog as she thinks it will help with their autism and ptsd

- cue meadow adoption

-Kiyo feels a lot better after that because meadow helped level out their nightmares and soothe them a lot more

- Kiyo gets a job as an educator at the local museum near their university

- meadow and Kiyo get name tags it’s great

#korekiyo shinguji #autism #Korekiyo #korekiyo hcs #drv3 korekiyo #Korekiyo past tw #korekiyo tw #tw #tw sucidal ideation

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gnome-minion · 11 months

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Thinking about how much disability is a core theme of Insignia. The four most plot important characters (Tom, Wyatt, Blackburn, and Vengerov) are all disabled, or are implied to be.

Blackburn's pretty obvious. He's a paranoid schizophrenic. And though that's mostly under control, the experience and the trauma of that sticks with him. And the entire series he views himself as an irredeemable monster. He's caught in what he did when he had that psychotic break.

(Also as a segue, it impacts the way he treats other mentally ill/neurodivergent characters, he even warns Wyatt before she receives her processor that it would change the way she thinks.)

Wyatt's is also pretty obvious. Although not directly stated, Wyatt is obviously autistic. She's canonically neurodivergent, as confirmed in Allies. For the most part, her arc is growing confident in herself, and comfortable with who she is. And also learning more social skills, while never becoming something different. Wyatt's autism is probably my favorite portrayal of autism I've ever seen.

Tom's disability is more subtle. The obvious thing about him having no fingers is explored. How it can aid him (like how the cybernetic fingers can move even if he's in the process of dying), and how they hinder him (they can be taken away, they lack sensitivity, and they're not his actual finger

But also Tom is clearly mentally ill. Even before Catalyst confirmed he was- he shows symptoms of a trauma disorder as early as Insignia. And in Vortex and Catalyst it's pretty blatant.

Catalyst is where all of his erratic behavior gets more explanations. His brain had the same problems that led to his mom developing psychosis and delusions. And while he had a neural graft to enlarge his frontal lobe, I don't think that would be a cure to whatever he's got, like most psychiatric treatments, it just helps with the symptoms .

Also regarding the fact that he wouldn't pass a military psych eval, he generally lacks empathy, and has been generally implied to be a "psychopath", i think it's probable that he's cluster B as well.

Thats not even mentioning him having OSDD or DID considering he has an alter. I'm not throwing out the possibility of him having DID just cause no other alters besides Vanya are shown, cause there is some evidence he could have it in previous books.

And of course- Vengerov.

Major catalyst spoilers up ahead. But Vengerov as a child is heavily implied to be developmentally disabled in some way. After the processor was given to him around the age of 7-8ish he changed completely. Being able to recognize the pain being pushed upon him, and his own ambitions. I'll be honest I can't wrap my head around why this is, outside of a mashup of what happens when you give a young young child a processor, and the computer filling in for Vengerov where his brain wasn't developing as much.

This could easily be used to villainize Vengerov, to show he is an unfeeling, uncaring monster. But Neil's theory at the end of Catalyst changes that. Cause he points out that Vengerov was trying to basically take over the world, yes, but because he lived in a world full of awful evil people in power - he became the worst of them. If he lived in a world run by pacifists? He would be a saint. He would change the world for the better. It's not his, or anyone's nature to be evil. It's their nurture.

It's a really poignant moment. Not only for the political messaging but I think for the explicit sympathy it gives to Vengerov. It never diminishes or undercut how awful what he does is. But also acknowledges how the creation of such an evil person is a product of the system and the world around them, rather than the person's inherent "evilness"

It so wonderfully shows how much of a feedback loop this oligarchical system is. And how the world shapes people into monsters. Only getting worse and worse as time goes on.

Insignia is great, you guys.

#insignia #s.j. kincaid #insignia trilogy #insignia series #tom raines #thomas raines #james blackburn #wyatt enslow #joesph Vengerov #should i tag vanya #vanya

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anazen333 · 8 months

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Things I didn't realize I could do despite NOT being Posh/Rich

Namely because I grew up not seeing it done in my own family so assumed I wouldn't ever be able afford to, or that was a class rule thing that I wasn't allowed to break lest I be perceived as a social climber or inadvertently saying I'm better than my peers.

Yay my Autistic black and white logic.

Since coming to these realizations, whole new levels of joy have opened up in my life.

(In no particular order)

#1 - Trimming my nails so they were all the same length on each finger and both hands

I’m honestly not sure what made me think I couldn’t trim my nails so they were all the same length. I grew up seeing adult women in my circle have uneven nails on their hands vs posh women with professionally manicured hands so maybe my mind just made the correlation. I always thought that the even nails were so elegant and wished my could be even too, but the women in my family didn’t care about manicures, and to be fair, I didn’t and still don’t like wearing nail polish, so even if I had worked up the nerve to ask for a manicure, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it.

But then one day when I was in my teens, I randomly, from the corner of my eye, watched a bit of some tween animated show (maybe Bratz?) and one of the girls broke a nail and then went on about how now she was going to have to trim all the other ones to match. And my mind was blown.

I realized then that having my nails all different lengths upset me. It didn’t matter if one or two of them had grown in very nicely if they didn’t match the rest. In fact, I was perfectly happy with them all being trimmed to the nubs if it meant they were all the same length.

I still have yet to get a professional manicure and I still don’t like painting my nails. I tend to keep my nails fairly short because I do martial arts and bake and gardening so having them short is practical. And having them all even makes me happier than a few of them looking elegant.

#2 - Having matching sets of themed underwear

As a teen and into my twenties, my bras never matched my underwear. Because I was raised on the kind of underwear you get in large packs. My mother openly scoffed at the pantie displays, saying pantie was such a vulgar term, and from the media it seemed wearing matching sets of underwear was reserved for “the bedroom”. Whenever I passed by a Victoria’s Secret, I’d see the piles of lace and my good Christian girl brainwashing had me roll my eyes and tell myself that I was better than the uncouth masses for not wearing such highly sensual underwear since obviously one only wore it if one was expecting to have intercourse with a man.

And then I discovered matching socks weren’t just a fashion statement limited to men.

Socks growing up had also followed the same rule as purchasing underwear - cheap and in bulk. But then I got several ballet flats and realized my normal socks were not going to go well so I got several pairs of cute floral socks to match with my outfits.

I also had been going to therapy recently and had started lifestyle changes like going to taekwondo three times a week and incorporating more healthy foods into my diet (I’m still pretty picky because most healthy foods aren’t safe foods for me, but smaller changes like using 100% whole wheat bread and drinking 2% milk have helped a lot).

Long story short, I was feeling more positive and comfortable and confident in my body and treated myself to some new clothes. Because I had also discovered Torrid - a clothing store that designs clothes specifically for women like me.

And after get a new wardrobe, the likes of which I never thought I’d get to have because all the cute clothes everywhere were too small for me, I realized I didn’t need a reason besides wanting to feel pretty to buy matching underwear sets. And to have enough to last me two weeks without repeating!

I’m such a visual person and it took me a long time to realize and embrace it. Sometimes I just open the special drawer where I keep all my pretty underwear and admire them.

#3 - Spaces beside your bedroom can be themed

By now the visual theme is well established. Stimming for neurodivergent people can take on my forms through the various senses - it’s not just limited to “flapping”. Visual stimming is my biggest stim. Nothing makes me happier than staring at beauty.

My bedroom has always been my sanctuary, especially growing up. We moved 8 times my first 18 years and my mom, being the artist that she is, tried to make the transitions easier by letting us pick a new theme for our rooms every time we moved.

The rest of the house outside my bedroom never seemed to have a theme. It was the 90s-2000s and if you don’t know the aesthetic for that time period consider yourself lucky. My parents also collected things from the places we moved and the trips we had gone on, so the rest of the house looked pretty chaotic to me (especially since in my room everything had to have a place and god forbid a single pillow was out of place).

I didn’t stay long enough in my first two apartments to put any effort into them (first one was while working as a teacher in Japan and the second was when I was in grad school). But when I got my first real job and my first real apartment, that’s when I realized I could decorate however I wanted to (because I was starting from scratch).

It took some trial and error to figure out what worked for me in each of the rooms. Obviously I couldn’t spend massive amounts of money, but with a little creativity I managed to cultivate spaces that made me happy.

My kitchen is very Japanese inspired - white base with sage green accents, bamboo blond pieces, and black or white appliances. My bathroom is white with navy colored middle eastern inspired accents. My study is white, blue, yellow, and green, the focal point being from a large Ghibli Castle in the Sky mural. And my bedroom is cottagecore fairytale with a base palette of white, green, yellow, red, and dark woods.

#4 - I can collect art from my favorite artists

For the final visual theme, ART. Growing up, my mom was a freelance artist. Our home was decorated with pieces she had made herself. From osmosis, I assumed either you were rich enough to buy original pieces, you were creative enough to make your own, or your were neither and were reduced to the cheap mass produced pieces one bought at hobby stores.

I inherited my mother’s talent for art and felt I couldn’t hang up anything on my own walls unless I had made it myself. Because why by someone else’s work when I could make my own?

But this was a problem because what I made didn’t always seem good enough for me to stare at it for hours and that would just make me grumpy.

And then I discovered that a lot of my favorite digital artists had shops. And from those shops, you could order prints.

And I realized buying prints was actually a very important thing to do, because it was supporting a freelance artist, like my mom had been. And what could be better than that? Plus I got to have beautiful pieces hanging in my place for me to stare at and visually stim to.

#5 - Just because something is a name brand and expensive doesn’t mean I can’t buy it if I can afford it

For years my mother has pointed out that I have expensive taste. For some reason I tend to gravitate towards the priciest items without even knowing how expensive they are. She also has a tendency to tell me I’m terrible with money (though living on my own without going into debt for over 10 years now should have proved to her and myself that that isn’t true).

Naturally this evolved into a strange complex of me thinking I didn’t deserve to buy name brand products.

And then I discovered Torrid (which by my upbringing is a name brand), and threw caution to the wind to buy clothes that I loved despite them not being on sale (though I still waited for sales and used discounts whenever possible).

And then I heard a rumor that Mazda wasn’t going to be making the Mazda3 model that I was in love with (because so many things about it from the color to the chassis reminded me of my favorite transformer, TFP Knockout). My old car was starting to break down and I decided I had saved enough for a new car (because it seemed getting a house where I lived would never happen anyway), and I bought my brand new dream car.

I know Mazda and Torrid probably aren’t considered high end name brands by posh people, but to me they are. Because growing up my clothes came from thrift stores or Walmart or from the sales racks at Kohls. I was never allowed to buy anything new at full price. When my family got new cars, the old ones had to be dead and the new ones were purchased for their practicality, not their looks.

My parents kept a tight leash on their finances. Both came from poorer families that had to make hard decisions and be creative to get by at times. And I appreciate the money saving tips they gave me.

But this is my life, and I need to find and make my own happiness. That doesn’t mean buying whatever I want whenever I want, but it also means not denying myself little luxuries because I don’t think I deserve them.

#autism #actually autistic #female autism #asd #autism spectrum disorder #things i didn't know i needed #luxury #happiness #making my own joy #living my best life #posh people #rich people

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wetbloodworm · 2 years

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it's time for an AUTISM POST™

considering that The 'Tism is kind of an all-encompassing thing that affects how i perceive and behave in this world, it can be hard to fully divorce it from the characters i make. especially considering both my tendency to project onto OCs and how playing characters for DND makes it harder to fully separate myself from the character since i'm reacting in real time. so i'm sure i've accidentally applied autistic traits and perceptions and experiences on OCs without meaning to. BUT that's not necessarily what this post is about, i just wanted to touch on that. what i DO want to talk about is the characters i've made who are autistic on purpose

luv me some bullet points

ivan is one of my most obvious examples because 1) i've talked about him the most and 2) his autistic traits are often very visible. he masks pretty aggressively in certain ways, like in how he largely avoids stimming because he's trained himself to be still or how he just Deals with bad sensory input, but there's also things that he just. either doesn't mask WELL or doesn't bother to mask, or doesn't think to mask. there's enough about him that NT people flag as odd that most people either immediately pick up on ivan being autistic/some kind of ND or note him as being off-putting/weird. it also doesn't help that ivan being emotionally volatile means a lot of his traits come out easier when he gets worked up and his various masks drop. i could go on and on about him but i already have just... so many times, so we'll leave it at that

i put blood sweat and tears into being able to do this indent which isn’t going to show for some people. but i’ll know it’s there. and that’s what matters.

anyway i’m doing indents for special interests. ivan’s #1 special interest is obviously space. language is another one for him. i know he’s got more smaller ones but i don’t know if i’ve ever established them? it’s always been very obviously SPACE and also language and then who knows what else he’s into. OH i remember him being into classical russian literature, like dostoevsky and tolstoy.

GOD WHAT IF I TOOK THE RAADS-R TEST FOR MY KIDS

i’m taking the raads-r test for my kids. they would hate the lack of nuance in the answers just as much as i do.

ivan’s raads-r score is 146/240, which is between the ‘strong evidence’ and ‘very strong evidence’ scores

spoilers but it’s interesting to me that ivan scored the lowest of the four kids i took the test for. it’s not really a scale, of course, like a ‘so and so is more autistic because they scored higher’, that’s not how this works. but it’s still interesting to me. i did take the test from the character’s POV and some answers may not be 100% accurate, like ivan says it’s never true that he can’t handle things he dislikes because yeah he CAN handle that stuff, but the thing is that he forces himself to handle sensory input that grates him. the old case of trying so much harder at things than NT people have to. so the character’s perception of the question coupled with masking behavior can skew the results some.

asya's another obvious one, both because i've talked about her being autistic a bunch too and because i play her in fallen so she gets a lot of screen time. she also masks a lot of her traits, though she's also usually flagged as visibly ND or just weird because outside of her parents and some other specific situations she tends not to mask her voice/expression, which is the biggest sign for people. she works really hard on her empathy and social skills, and like ivan she also usually just puts up with bad sensory shit because her parents wouldn't accommodate her on that front so she just. suffers. it's fine. a lot of her traits were more obvious when she was younger, and her autism tends to present in a way where i think if she was ever tested she wouldn't have had to fight too hard for a diagnosis. but no way would her parents get that done for her, so. instead she learned to mask. other mental health BS (primarily her anxiety and bipolar) became bigger issues as she got older so that's where most of her focus is as an adult, like. don't have time to unpack her masking behavior when she's manic, y'know? both are massively impactful but one is like actively dangerous in some ways

asya’s main special interest is music! this expresses itself partly as her being really into playing musical instruments, so like, learning those and also sheet musics and the specific structure of music and music-writing and all that. i don’t know how to talk about music so i can’t describe it well but she’s into it. she also loves consuming as much music as she can and absorbs all the info about different bands and genres and music history etc as she can.

asya’s raads-r score is 154/240

i think i've touched on it but kseniya is also autistic. runs in the family. they're pretty similar to asya in that they have a flat affect and aren't very emotive, though they also just aren't super emotional on top of that. they largely don’t try to mask because they don’t care how people perceive them, though they sometimes hold back from stimming because of getting in trouble with ‘not sitting still’, like pretty much all my kids have dealt with. largely though they just don’t give a fuck. their raads-r score would probably be higher if they tried to mask more because, again, perception of the question vs what the question is trying to gauge. kseniya doesn’t follow rules to try to seem normal not because they don’t have to for people to register them as normal but because they don’t care.

weapons! kseniya loves weapons!! knives and other kinds of blades are their biggest focus, but they have space in their brain for a lot of other kinds. types, history of weaponry, etc. they collect knives, and really any fun or pretty or unique weapon would be a good gift but knives are always the safest bet. kseniya has no desire to USE these against people or see them used against people, though they do keep a pocket knife on them for self-defense.

kseniya’s raads-r score is 176/240

outside of rescueverse kids my most obvious is toby. they were intended to be autistic from the start and by god did i succeed. they’re not especially expressive and they’re not especially emotional, either. they’re also not particularly interested in social interaction; it doesn’t stress them out at all and they feel like they’re fine at it, but they just care so much more about their various hobbies and would much rather be learning about/doing those instead of talking to people. they’ve also got the object permanence thing with relationships, where they tend not to miss people when they’re away. they care about their loved ones very much, of course, that’s not what this means. toby’s actually a pretty easy friend to maintain because they’re very low maintenance in relationships. they just want to be able to do their crafts and shit and when friends show back up that’s good too.

clothing and armor’s their biggest special interest, absolutely, but they tend to get Interested in all kinds of crafty hobbies. something catches their attention and they decide that they’re going to be Very Good At It, and then they do exactly that, and then they move on to the next thing they want to learn about, though they’ll come back to hobbies sometimes here and there and ALWAYS come back to clothes/armor. toby’s a very skilled individual in a lot of ways because of all the things they’ve gotten curious about at some point. they just don’t let go of shit until they’ve at least got a good technical grasp of it. toby loves to learn and to make things!

toby’s raads-r score is 194/240

i’m not gonna get super into it with the rest of my OCs because i’m getting tired of this post, but i know ivan and kseniya get it from both parents to different degrees, and asya gets it from her mom. idk if any of their parents would qualify as ASD but the familial link is there and there are Traits.

i’m making the decision here that lyle is autistic. it feels right. i feel it in my gut

no one here knows eva, she’s like from middle school for me, but she’s my quiet asocial robotics kid and. yes, absolutely

just looking through my character list rn

braxton from PBJverse, which is JT’s canon, is intended to be autistic. i think maybe petrov too but he’s less developed. JT’s dads are also big ‘autistic and adhd couple’ energy

i can’t just make both my robotics girls autistic but sada in AIverse, zephyr’s canon. i’ve got a vibe.

theo in MMCverse. these are some deep cuts here but this post is for me it doesn’t matter if y’all don’t know who theo is

i’ve scrolled down to the DND section of my character list and see, here’s where it’s tricky. when i’ve actually roleplayed these characters in real time it’s kinda hard for me to figure out what’s me and what’s the character. i’m thinking... no to kip and cory for sure. no to amity? clove has adhd but i’m not sure for asd. something in my heart says syrus is neurotypical. maybe to heather. zenith is an alien and doesn’t count. who knows about edgar or tahzi or cecil. i think it’s mainly niamh i’m on the fence on right now, which makes sense considering i play her on a weekly basis. i think i need to still work her character out more to be able to figure it out for her. it was at least not intended for her or any of the others here, just. y’know. sometimes character decisions arise organically.

and of course ‘is this character autistic’ isn’t the only thing i’m considering while creating characters, and it’s not the most important one either, but idk, it’s interesting to me and that’s what this post is about so it’s what we’re focusing on right now

post over

#ivan tag #asya tag #kseniya tag #toby tag #others too but those are the four i get into

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meditating-dog-lover · 3 months

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Autistic

Recently I've been battling pretty awful anxiety, which caused my entire skin to flare and turn red (I'm going to be honest and say that I've also been using a cleanser that has been drying and irritating and my face is red and peeling and I'm sure it made my hand eczema worse as well, but I'm not sure). I had a breakdown in front of my mom and sister. They are both in the psych field so they were trying to help me out and understand my behavior which has been so debilitating to me. They believe I might be autistic. And I believe it too. I'm not a psychologist, but I always knew something was psychologically "off" in me. For instance, I don't have much motivation to socialize and find hobbies, am always scrolling on my phone, am obsessed with having a strict schedule/routine and hate sudden surprises, panic over things other people would think are trivial, and cannot engage in activities that require a calm and relaxed mind because mine is always racing (meditation, mindfulness, affirmations, or reading).

I'm almost 30 and everything just clicked for me. I would have never suspected I was autistic. But again it is a spectrum and not a small set of characteristics. I have never been diagnosed and girls are less likely to be diagnosed with autism than boys. I went through a checklist of autism traits in women and I felt like a lot of them applied to me. My mom and sister also agreed. I've done a few self-assessment quizzes and did receive scores that categorize me as autistic.

I'm going to meet with a psychiatrist to do a screening. Because if I do turn out to be autistic, then it all makes sense. Every behavior I had and still have that I could not explain would start to make sense. The missing puzzle piece. I'm sure both the condition and masking behavior cause a lot of anxiety. Knowing something is "unconventional" but not knowing how to fit in and why it's "unconventional" makes me so frustrated and hopeless. I get anxiety outbursts and don't know what is causing them. So I'm left feeling not only anxious, but also confused which fuels even more anxiety. It is hell and I'm sure this is contributing to my eczema.

Stress/anxiety cause increased levels of cortisol and histamine. Cortisol levels peak in the morning, which explains why I had days where I would wake up first thing in the morning and would be the itchiest all day. My stress/anxiety are so passive also, I would even experience a flareup when I speak to someone and I become energetic and my heart rate goes up, from getting up and walking after sitting down for a long time, surprises, etc... This can all cause me to feel an itch coming. It's easy to blame flareups on allergies (some allergies absolutely do cause flareups), but it's most definitely also a stress response which does increase histamine levels in the body, mimicking an allergic reaction.

My mom says the only way my skin will clear is by reducing my stress/anxiety. Because that's what helped her 20 years ago. Something as simple as Reiki. I know not everyone's eczema is caused by anxiety, but it most certainly is for my mom and I. She spent years on steroids and allergy shots, and the thing that really helped her is stress and anxiety relief. I swear the medical industry wants us to be sick and rely on medication when they fail to explore things like diet, stress, and sleep. Because all of these can cause inflammatory conditions! Obviously relaxation won't cure cancer or an infection or an allergic reaction or any other condition that requires immediate medical attention. But it can be so ant-inflammatory and can help reduce the symptoms of chronic inflammatory conditions.

It all makes sense now, the autism, the anxiety. Everything. Growing up being neurodivergent with PTSD and a narcissistic and abusive dad was so stressful and was hell. I'm not surprised why I got eczema. I feel like I healed most of my PTSD (just working on health and social anxiety, the latter being a challenge if I actually am autistic). But despite that I still feel like something is "off" with me till now, especially with all the anxiety. And I doubt it's the PTSD. So it's likely the autism. I'm going to meet with a psychiatrist to perform a screening.

I'm surprised my old therapist (who really was an idiot) could not notice these signs. When she told me I should do socialize and me not wanting to and her asking "why not? you should try". I got so defensive and said no. I'm surprised it flew over her head. But again she wasn't that good of a psychologist.

I'm glad I dedicated time learning about this. I know this will help me heal a lot. Especially physically and mentally.

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memryse · 2 years

Text

i wanna expand on my tags a little actually <3 loveposting for the mcyt fandom at the end but under a cut bc this is pretty heavy Backstory (tw for suicidal ideation) and i’ve never spoken about it publicly before but i think i would like to get it off my chest after all this time. bc i never really opened up about it and i don’t think i could say it directly to anyone

ok so. pandemic bad. we all get that right

i handled the first part of the pandemic p well. it was summer, as an introvert (and, as i have recently realised, an undiagnosed autistic who was REALLY struggling in sixth form) i enjoyed the freedom from other people. i ended a shit relationship (don’t edate, kids), got super into twisted wonderland, made some lovely friends in my twst server who i still adore to this day. i thought the pandemic would be great for me!

but as it turns out, i actually do need a little bit of contact with people my own age in order to not go insane. and to put my social situation into perspective, i had a friend group at sixth form who i never talked to outside of school and intended to drop the minute i had an excuse to do so because they were transphobic, and two friends from pre-sixth form who went elsewhere for sixth form who i Also barely talked to anymore because. again. undiagnosed autistic. reaching out to people just to say “hi” and make small talk is not my thing no matter how well i know a person.

so september rolls around, we start university. i my friends move to their unis, i move to mine for a bit, make friends with one of my flatmates, but then we go back into lockdown at halloween and both of us go home. again, i struggle to keep contact with her, and i’ve made no real friends in my online classes either - i talk in the group chats a lot, met my classmates once while i was still at uni, but don’t click with anyone. and it’s also november. so all of these things considered, the seasonal depression hits really hard.

i realise i wasted my entire time in school being a terminally online kid who can’t maintain friendships with people in real life (narrator voice: this is, again, because of the undiagnosed autism and wanting to share your obscure hyperfixations but nobody irl caring). and i also realise how little i ever have private conversations with people even online, that barely anyone ever even bothers reaching out to me personally despite me having several close online friend groups. and i just… get it into my head that i’m fundamentally unlikeable and broken as a person, that i’m not worth getting to know outside of a group setting. i start noticing everything about other people’s friendships to the point that i either have to remove myself from conversations where my twst friends would mention other people or i would just outright take out my misery on them because i had no other outlet other than this twst server that i ran. by the end of december, i was idly contemplating suicide pretty much every day. it’s without a doubt the most mentally unhealthy i’ve ever been - i’m normally very self aware/analytical of myself but i was so absorbed in how utterly miserable i was that i couldn’t see how much of a dick i was actually being. the worst part is that my friends did reach out, but at the time it didn’t help, because it just made it feel like people only cared because i was acting so obviously concerning.

i think around mid january i realised it was not healthy for me to be around those people, but even then i hadn’t realised i was treating them like shit, it was very much from a self absorbed place of “i will feel worse if i keep hanging out in this server”. so i just… cut myself off from people. deactivate my twitter. try to stop talking in the server as much as possible. focus on uni work. still utterly alone in real life - my two school friends would message me every once in a while, but i never know how to properly respond, which continues the cycle of me feeling isolated and broken. yknow what’s funny is that in hindsight we had a minecraft server with the three of us in december and my brain erased all connection between “your friends want to play minecraft with you” and “your friends like you and want to hang out with you”. and i knew they were talking and hanging out with each other too and that they knew each other’s personal lives, but i was comparatively out of the loop. what i’m trying to say here is that i used to not think jealousy was a genuine thing until i became the human embodiment of it

except for one thing. one of those friends is a wilbur/dsmp fan. and they keep messaging me dsmp references, which i absolutely do not get, but am sort of aware of the existence of the dream smp. i watch a couple of the videos they send me, but generally understand none of it. all i know from twitter is “dream is bad”

it gets to the end of february/beginning of march, and i say fuck it. i start watching wilbur’s dsmp videos, and then tommy’s. by the time i get to the exile vods, it’s become such a hyperfixation that i physically can’t concentrate in class anymore because all i can think about is watching the next vod. which, yknow, not great for my academics especially when i’m already struggling because of the Mental Illness. but what it does give me is an excuse to talk to my friend! and our other friend sees me getting into it and decides to check it out too (hi mint if you’re reading this. i’d put a heart but it feels a bit awkward after the paragraphs about suicidal depression) in total it takes me like. two or three weeks to catch up with the general gist of lore, with my first live streams being the prison streams. for related reasons i don’t remember most of that period. it was a BLUR

i reactivate my twitter because i’m unable to keep myself from gushing about the hypfx. at first i only use a 0 follower side acc because i think everyone will hate me for liking mcyt. then i decide to post it on main, predictably lose followers so i do end up making a diff account. BUT hog hunt comes out, which convinces sin, my twitter mutual since 2017 or 2018 to go from “will maybe watch dsmp one day” to “has to find out about this thing immediately”. we’d been mutuals for so long and are basically the same person but had never properly become close bc we were always into different things

and well. all of that somehow ends up in me getting into 3l and hermitcraft despite having awful associations with hc because of the shitty relationship from the start of the post. me, irl friend mint, sin and some other New friends manage to all become a friend group because of a minecraft server. long story short in april i travelled to london to meet up with them because they’re my dearest friends and i have photos of us on my wall all together wearing minecraft youtuber merch.

i talk to both of those irl friends nearly every day now. which all started with mcyt yes but we’re just overall so much closer now, we all live in different places but make efforts to hang out a lot - often for mcc <3

starting in december i allowed myself to properly start talking in that twst server again. for most of 2021 i’d been too hyperfixated on mcyt to even really want to, but i was also so disgusted by how badly i’d treated them that i figured they were better off without me. but… they welcomed me back with open arms, i’ve never felt an ounce of anger from them even though they definitely deserve to be mad at me for all of that. i talk to them most days even if it’s just to check in or share an outfit. they’re like my family and i love them so dearly

and finally! i moved back to uni in march and worked up the courage to join a society - i became such fast friends with them, we hang out so much and i met multiple hc fans in the society! one of them is coming over to watch double life with me tomorrow <3 i thought i was incapable of making new friends but i’ve clicked so well with all of them. the mcyt thing is just one part of that, but well. domino effect. if all of the above hadn’t happened i would have been too depressed to consider even trying making new friends. and i’m so glad i did.

i’ve made so many cool friends from tumblr too, and never in my life did i see myself returning to tumblr until i found out that there were more inniters on tumblr <3 in general my life has just done a complete 180 from early 2021 and i truly owe all of it to the video of crimeboys trying to gaslight phil into thinking he doesn’t have a wife, and the video of tubbo trying to pronounce “diamantspitzhacke”. this fandom is hell sometimes but it’s definitely the reason i’m alive today, so that’s generally a good thing i think

yeah this got. really long but okay. the one part of my life that i have still not improved is that i have no clue how to open up to people, i don’t really do direct emotional closeness. nor would i necessarily want to dump all of this directly on anyone, because it’d almost feel like i’m blaming them for that dark point in my life, like i’m saying “you should have been there for me”. but i’m done being angry about it, i could have done more to reach out for help. so writing this out and sending it off to the void of tumblr is cathartic enough for me, and whoever happens to read it, i don’t really care. i’m just happy now. amazing what minecraft youtubers and a community of gay minecraft youtuber fans can do for a person

#tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #memos

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jacenbren · 2 years

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Fuckit I’m sleep deprived and I may or may not have eaten half of a cookie containing some very ✨special ingredients✨ (if you know you know) so I’m gonna rant about Wormwoodverse Velvetfrost for a minute

They’re both just so.. sad. Ok?? As characters they’re both just so painfully tragic and they’ve been through so much trauma that they’re the only ones who can stand each other. Boomer says it Tubbo’s chapter of the Christmas special and I can’t remember exactly what I wrote but he says that Ant and Velvet are both weird and off-putting and everybody else has a hard time interacting with them even though the Badlands is basically one big family. They’re both just so lonely and out of place and the worst part?? Neither of them got any say in how they got to be like this.

Ant had a pretty horrible upbringing. Shitty middle of nowhere town with mistrustful and violent residents, dangerous radiation levels, and abusive parents. Mom who was blatantly unfaithful and dad who was physically abusive because of it. Had autism and physical mutations from radiation that made life hell and because his parents were horrible people and blamed him for Stampy’s issues (Stampy has congenital insensitivity to pain and was their golden child; Craftclan was the result of one of their mother’s affairs and was dumped on somebody else and to be blunt Ant was an accident) they refused him any kind of help and neglected him severely. Then Stampy managed to get both of them out and raised lil teenaged Ant by himself, but then they had a falling out because of Ant’s bitterness towards Stampy for getting the love he never did. Now Ant’s pretty fucked up, and he doesn’t trust anybody. He’s cold and closed off and rude, because he’s learned that scaring people away before they get close means he won’t get hurt.

The autism and radiation mutations make it hell for Ant too, since he has trouble interpreting social cues and he gets overstimulated very easily, so he’s generally a very unapproachable and off-putting person. He’d rather get lost in his special interests—chemistry and insects—rather than deal with being rejected again, and Velvet’s the only person he’s ever opened his shell in the slightest for. Mans is just so damaged and so sad but is so terrified of being hurt again that he shuts everyone and everything out :(

Velvet’s also autistic too but it presents itself verrrrrryyyyy differently. He was autistic before he was kidnapped and experimented on, obviously, but it’s like his enhancements magnetized how he shows it. Oh, he was a man of few words and very observant before? Now he’s creepily silent and can sit and watch you from the shadows for hours without blinking and he overhears anything and everything whether he wants to or not. Velvet was good at copying people’s mannerisms before and cracked at math?? Well now he can memorize and mimic people’s speech patterns/thought processes to the point where it’s scary and he can interpret fuckin polynomials and carry out tensile strength calculations completely in his head because the scientists that ripped him apart limb from limb and then rebuilt him into a killing machine put a calculator in it. Velvet already had issues fitting in before he got kidnapped, and now it’s like everything society deemed “weird” about him has been dialed up to eleven.

And did I mention he’s also severely traumatized?? Because mans is; he woke up in a bunker in a post-nuclear apocalyptic wasteland with no memory of how he got there or even his own name and had no time to adjust. He acts all cool and funny and laidback but if he actually starts to trust you and opens up, you quickly realize that he’s deeply scarred and very jumpy from being subjected to brutal human experimentation and literal centuries of cryogenic stasis. and because he’s desperately trying to cling to any sense of normalcy and routine he can, Velvet covers up his trauma with a meticulously constructed facade and refuses to heal for fear of being killed for what he is because nobody in their right mind trusts the Old Ones after they blew the planet to hell. Velvet’s just so lonely and in pain but he’s terrified of getting literally murdered omg

And oh my god their relationship. I wouldn’t call it trauma bonding I’d call it more like kindred spirit bonding. Ant and Velvet gravitated towards each other because they were loners. Ant didn’t have to keep Velvet around after bringing him to the Commune; he could’ve convinced Bad to get rid of him after patching the guy up but didn’t because they looked at each other and went “huh we both have Issues and you Get Me oh my god wanna make out.” They’re just two sailors from two completely different shipwrecks washed up on the beach of the same deserted island after a hurricane and they are clinging to each other trying to just keep surviving and in the process they made each other better. Wormwoodverse Velvetfrost is an example of soulmates being made not born and oh y god still slightly high me can not comprehend the fact that my own brain came up with this 😭

#jacen writes #jacen overshares #wormwoodverse #wormwoodverse velvetfrost my beloved #velvetfrost #antfrost #velvetiscake #dsmp fanfiction #dream smp au #where is your rider #pale white horse #dsmp au #bitter water #dsmp #dream smp fanfiction #tw childhood abuse

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demetriandelibinaryboyfriends · 4 years

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Can you talk about autistic Hawk/Eil

Sure, I’d love to!!!

Credit where credit is due, of course--I got a lot of my Autistic Eli headcanons from @jackonthelongwalk, who’s got a little more authority to speak on the subject since he’s actually autistic and whatnot. I mainly just saw his takes and was like “THOSE ARE GOOD TAKES” and adopted all of them XD Although I DID come up with a few of my own headcanons!!! I’ll just compile everything here.

~Eli tends to be pretty particular about physical touch, and a lot of the time he doesn’t really like it. Over the years, Demetri’s found that one type of touch that Eli’s okay with is shoulder-squeezing, and it kinda becomes their thing. Typically Demetri giving Eli a quick shoulder squeeze helps comfort him and makes him feel safe by basically reassuring him “I’m here for you, I’ve got your back.” You can see Demetri give Eli a shoulder squeeze in 2x09 when he’s comforting him about Moon, and he does the EXACT same one in the school fight in 2x10 just before kicking him into the trophy case. I think it was his way of saying “even though we’re fighting right now, I still care about you” and that kinda helped snap Hawk out of his near-psychopathic rage. In Season 3, he’s still shitty to Demetri, obviously, but it’s more controlled, not as unhinged or feral--even when Hawk breaks his arm, he hesitates a LOT before and regrets it IMMEDIATELY after in a way I’m not sure his UNCHECKED RAEEEGE self would have during the school fight.

~Over the years Demetri develops kind of a sixth sense of when Eli is about to have a meltdown. He’s able to pick up on super minute changes in body language, changes in the way Eli speaks, small alterations in Eli’s general temperament--basically anything that indicates he’s getting overwhelmed. That’s actually how he discovers the shoulder squeeze tactic--Demetri realizes he needs a quick way to comfort and reassure Eli when he can’t go in for a full hug (like they’re in the middle of class or something) so he can calm Eli down a bit and stop him from having a meltdown. Mainly because Demetri knows the bullies will have a field day if Eli cries in front of the other kids, so the shoulder squeeze develops as sort of a way to protect Eli from this.

~At some point after Demetri first started using the shoulder touch/squeeze on Eli, Eli started also using it on Demetri to quickly communicate affection/appreciation. Demetri isn’t nearly as touch-averse or picky with physical touch as Eli, and would’ve been okay with a number of physical touches, but he’s honestly super touched that Eli saw him doing a thing and was like “Oh hey!!! Demetri does this thing to me and it makes me feel safe and loved, so I’m sure it’ll do the same if I do it to him!!!” It kinda becomes their special touch, and becomes somewhat of a silent “I love you” (although obviously these two clueless idiots are led to believe it’s ONLY platonic love for many, many years XD). You can see Eli give a little shoulder pat/squeeze to Demetri at the beach party in 1x09!!

~Eli really does not like being touched around or under the chin, mainly because this is how bullies like Kyler touch him and it’s triggering for him. Demetri basically never touches him here. Even after they get together and start getting intimate, Demetri tends to touch/stroke Eli’s cheeks or the side of his head if he wants to touch his face, but he avoids touching Eli’s chin like the plague because he knows how much Eli dislikes it. This is something Eli really deeply appreciates--even Moon wasn’t able to catch on to the fact that he didn’t like having his chin touched, and he was too obsessed with coming across as “tough” to her to admit that it bothered him. Moon didn’t mean any harm at all, of course, she just wasn’t able to pick up on his more subtle indications that he wasn’t a huge fan of chin touches. Demetri has come to pick these indications up by second nature.

~The whole thing Demetri does at the beginning of the show where he kinda talks “for” Eli (the thing that, ironically, people loooooove to blast him about for being a “terrible friend”) I think is largely done because Eli is autistic. Eli seems to have a lot of social anxiety right from the get-go--he doesn’t even verbally greet Miguel when he first sits with him and Demetri and Demetri introduces Eli. Eli just kinda awkwardly smiles and nods at him. He’s obviously not great with social cues either, which we see later on--he’s so PAINFULLY oblivious to the fact that Piper is super not at all into it when he tries to hit on her in Season 2. I imagine after a number of social blunders in their youth, and seeing just how uncomfortable and anxious social situations made Eli, Demetri took the reigns and did a lot of communicating FOR Eli to take some of the pressure off of him to talk. I’d argue that once Demetri is taken out of the picture, we can see in full force JUST how socially anxious and uncomfortable Eli really is--he seems damn near terrified trying to stand up for himself against Johnny when Demetri’s not there. He’s lowkey stuttering and tripping over his words, his voice is shaking. He nearly leaves the room in tears. He’s used to letting Demetri be his voice, and this seems to be what makes him feel safest and most secure. When this is taken away, he has to find a new way to protect himself--hence, possibly, the entire Hawk persona.

~Eli has a lot of issues with emotional regulation and often feels emotions really, really strongly and gets overwhelmed by them--as an ADHDer, this is a struggle I understand SO MUCH. When Eli gets really overwhelmed with strong emotion, he tends to have meltdowns. These can be either sadness-based meltdowns (like we see in the flashback) or angry meltdowns (like we see when he beats Brucks up). Due to his emotional regulation issues, Eli has a really hard time hiding his emotions or stopping a meltdown once it kinda onsets--this is why he tends to “bawl” at movies. Once he starts crying, he can’t really stop, or reign it in--it just keeps coming. He also can’t really hold it back--his emotions tend to force their way out, whether he wants them to or not. This is also why he goes so HARD when he’s angry--wailing on Brucks, throwing punch after punch at Demetri at the school fight, getting carried away and attacking Robby’s injured shoulder at the tournament. His anger (and other emotions) tends to just kinda explode out, and he has a really hard time reigning them back in and keeping them in check. Demetri, ever the voice of ration and reason, can help with this--and probably has a lot, historically. With Demetri less and less in the picture and their relationship on the rocks, Eli’s emotions just seem to get even more wild and uncontrolled, particularly his anger. Part of the reason I think Demetri and Eli work so well together--Eli tends to get very caught up in his emotions (no shame in that--I’ll admit I do too!), and needs someone to help him keep his feet on the ground and be the pragmatist who helps him keep things in perspective.

~Karate is most definitely a special interest for him. It lowkey takes over his life and he makes it damn near his entire identity--big special interest energy. And Demetri (at first, at least) is lowkey so supportive!!! Like he goes to the all-valley tournament to support and cheer Eli on, despite not having any personal interest in fighting and seeming to think the whole thing is the kind of dumb macho shit that goes against everything his nerd identity stands for XD But he goes to the tournament anyways to clap for his boyfriend best friend’s badassery!!! The real MVP!!! Also special interests in general (not unlike ADHD hyperfixations) tend to be very random, hence why seemingly out of nowhere Eli gets absolutely OBSESSED with karate.

~Just a random little headcanon I have (I think I mentioned it on one of my general headcanon posts), but I like to think after Eli adopts the whole “Hawk” persona, he gets a special interest in birds of prey in general for a little while. Like back before he’s too “tough” for anything even remotely related to “nerd shit,” he watches nature documentaries on raptors and the whole 9 yards and constantly rambles excitedly to Demetri about how badass he thinks they are, and how cool it is that they can “literally hunt mice from the sky and shit” (probably an exact quote from him). Demetri finds this sudden new obsession both amusing and kind of endearing--but as always, he shows an interest in it and accommodates it as best he can. I imagine he’s seen Eli go through a number of special interests over the years, and is a pro by now on how to handle them (my own childhood best friend is a fellow ADHDer, and he was CONSTANTLY getting new hyperfixations--I imagine it was something like that XD).

~The whole “Hawk” persona in general seems pretty autistic, speaking of that--like it’s almost entirely based in mimicry and masking. Like Hawk pretty frequently mimics Johnny’s expressions, body language, and speech patterns, and (at least at first) Miguel’s fighting style. He also starts to mimic a lot of Kreese’s problematic views and general “never accept defeat” attitude in late Season 2 and Season 3, setting his good old Bastardization Arc in full swing. The whole Hawk thing could easily be masking, especially given how exaggerated and overdramatic Eli’s facial expressions, voice, and actions tend to be when he’s trying to be Hawk. When he slips back into “Eli” (or how he was before he adopted the mask), it’s usually around Demetri (i.e. the Doctor Who conversation)--which makes sense, since Demetri “gets” Eli better than most people and Eli doesn’t have to mask or overexaggerate his expressions or statements to communicate effectively with Demetri. They’ve known each other so long and Demetri is so familiar with his body language and mannerisms that Demetri is able to pick up fairly easily on what Eli’s trying to communicate/express without Eli having to work too hard at getting his point across. It’s why Eli’s expressions and body language aren’t nearly as exaggerated around Demetri, even when he’s trying to intimidate him--he knows he doesn’t have to overstate what he’s doing to communicate with Demetri.

~Relating back to the social troubles and social anxiety thing, I think Eli has always had trouble communicating verbally, hence why he’s so quiet at first. And even when he does get more talkative, a lot of it is mimicking other people’s speech patterns and ideas (namely Johnny’s at first)--it doesn’t really feel like him talking. Even alone with Demetri, he tends to prefer to let Demetri do the talking, hence Demetri saying Eli’s a “man of few words.” He often prefers to communicate nonverbally through body language, and when he DOES communicate verbally, he does it somewhat sparingly and chooses his words carefully, not usually bothering to say things he doesn’t mean (if he isn’t masking, anyways). THIS is why Demetri was so ready to accept such a short, concise “I’m sorry for all of it” from Eli instead of a long, drawn-out apology for each individual thing he did wrong. Eli knows he doesn’t have to bother masking to communicate with Demetri, so he’s not going to bother saying something that isn’t genuine. Eli has never been the greatest at articulating his thoughts verbally either, so TRYING to apologize for each individual thing he did to Demetri would be extremely hard for him, and Demetri knows this. This is why he accepts Eli’s apology without question and doesn’t expect him to elaborate on it. He knows Eli’s communicating a lot more than he’s actually saying aloud, if that makes any sense, and he cares more about the entirety of what Eli’s trying to say rather than just the spoken part. And Eli definitely communicates he’s genuinely remorseful through his actions as well--saving Demetri from the Cobras, teaming up with Demetri afterwards to help Deme’s side win the fight, straight up openly BETRAYING Kreese and Cobra Kai AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK TO HIMSELF (especially if Tory’s threat is anything to go by!!!) in order to go back to Demetri. Honestly, given everything he knows about Eli and how he operates, expresses himself, and communicates, I highly doubt Demetri expects at all for Eli to go on a long, detailed rant about how sorry he is and is honestly just grateful to have Eli back in his life.

~I think at the beginning of the show, Demetri puts a lot of work into helping Eli feel as safe and secure as possible--possibly in part because Eli’s autism makes him feel kinda isolated as a “freak” or “outcast” or what have you. Demetri makes an effort to crack jokes and make Eli laugh when no one else will, possibly to help Eli feel more relaxed and at ease. And Demetri’s reluctance to try out karate could be a kind of misguided overprotectiveness on his part--he’s spent a lot of time building up their own little world for them where he can keep Eli relatively comfortable, and he’s worried anything that interferes with that or shakes up the status quo is going to stress out or overwhelm Eli too much. Demetri wants to keep things as they are, because even if it’s not perfect, and they still get bullied on the regular, at least he KNOWS how best to help Eli and help him feel better (or at least he thinks he does) in their current situation (i.e. “I think we’d rather spend our afternoons playing Crucible Control than getting hit in the face”). If they were put into a drastically different new situation, he WOULDN’T know how he should best assist and support Eli with it, and that scares him a lot--because he’s ALWAYS kind of intuitively known how to help Eli, and the thought of anything changing that makes him terrified that without him, Eli is going to get really hurt somehow.

I think that just about covers everything--might add more stuff if I think of it! Definitely go check out @jackonthelongwalk’s blog for more quality, in-depth autistic Eli content!!!

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shookspearewrites · 4 years

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hey hey @memekingofwwiii I hope you’re well my sweetpea! Honestly the neurodivergent MCs in the fandom need more love ^^ As a person on the autistic spectrum, it was so nice to get this request, thank you so much for sending it in! And I’m so sorry that it took me so long for me to write this >2< my university workload is insane rn and I’ve had such bad writer’s block too 😭

- JJ x

~~~~~~~~~~

Arthur Conan Doyle:

Arthur will notice all the little things about you and what makes you tick rather quickly - He was a doctor after all, as well as being one of the world’s greatest mystery authors which makes his incredibly observant.

He’ll very quickly learn that if you haven’t initiated the physical intimacy then you don’t want it, which of course is fine by him. Arthur will sometimes forget this, for example when he’s a little tipsy and try to give you hugs and then feel immensely guilty afterwards. In the case that you’ve been hurt whilst out in the city and you need to be cared for by a doctor, Arthur will insist that he must be the one to do it, urging onlookers not to send for a doctor because he knows that a stranger getting into your little bubble, let alone touching and assessing you will do you no favours. As he treats you, he’ll talk you through everything that he’s doing so that you’re aware of what is happening, and he’ll try to make sure that you’re as comfortable with him as can be. Of course, he’ll apologise to no end afterwards.

With in the first week or so of knowing you, Arthur will realise that you get very socially tired if you’re around people for too long so, he’ll offer you his room and his company as a safe space should you ever need it. He’ll not force it, obviously, but he will gently remind you, “Being alone when you’re suffering will only make it worse, my little bird. We don’t have to speak to each other, we don’t have to interact - I’d just like to be able to offer you my presence when you need comforting.”

When you open up to him about your diagnosis, he’ll certainly be puzzled and therefore do as much research as the 19th century can offer him into your diagnosis. When he can’t find it anywhere, Arthur will practically demolish the library in search of some cure, any medical advice to help soothe you. He’s beside himself for days as he just wants to heal you but he doesn’t know how - So, he asks you. When you say that there is no cure but because you’re not sick, you’ll be okay, Arthur just accepts it, pretty quickly at that.

The first time that you hug him he almost bursts into tears with pride knowing that you’re able to trust him this much. And he makes it his mission to be your safe place, doing everything that he possibly can to keep you comfy and happy at all times.

Leonardo Da Vinci:

Now, Leonardo is an incredibly sweet and caring man and he never wishes to harm you but, unfortunately, he is a social butterfly - An outgoing extrovert who has a habit of jumping to conclusions and also can’t keep his hands to himself. So when you shiver away from his touch and push away his offers of hugs and cuddles when you first meet, he immediately assumes that you dislike him, which of course isn’t true seriously for one of the world’s smartest men, Leo really only has 2 braincells huh?

He’ll learn pretty quickly that physical affection is off the table unless you initiate it, which is totally fine by him, he wants you to be happy and comfortable but he is a bit bummed out about it at first. I think one of his main ways of showing affection would be by holding you close, stroking your hair and surprising you with little kisses but, for you, he’ll gladly adapt.

Leonardo is one of the world’s helpers by nature, a man who always loves to solve the problems of those around him. But he’s also got a hell of a good intuition so when he sees you struggling by yourself to complete a task in the garden, never once giving in, he knows to simply encourage you from afar instead of immediately bolting to your side to help you.

His cigarillo hung from his lips as he admired you from the balcony, the little furrow of your eyebrows as you attempted for the 9th time to lift the heavy bag of soil that was nearly the same size of you. Leonardo longed to jump from the second floor balcony and swoop in to your rescue but, he knew far better than to barge in on you when you hadn’t asked him. So instead he smiled softly to himself before calling out, “Hey cara mia - You can do it, I believe in you.”

Ultimately, he doesn’t think any different of you when you open up to him about it all, why would he? He’s your boyfriend and he loves you no matter what. Leonardo loves you through and through and that is never going to change as long as either of you live. He thinks that you’re strong, brave and beautiful and he’ll never stop thinking so.

Le Comte de Saint Germain:

Le Comte is completely unbothered by your neurodivergence, which is of course not to say that he doesn’t care! It’s just that he’s lived for so long and met so many different types of people that he doesn’t particularly notice your quirks. He’s immediately accepting of you and he simply adores everything about you.

He’ll always there to offer comfort and support should you need it and he’ll always remind you, “My door is always open to you, ma Cherie. Please don’t hesitate to come and find me should you need a break or some comfort - I’ll always protect you.” And of course, Comte always keeps good on his promise: It could be the middle of the night when you come to his door, exhausted and sobbing from being overwhelmed and Comte will welcome you to his side with no hesitation and make you a drink and a snack, letting you stay with him for as long as you need.

Comte may struggle a little at times when you don’t feel up to physical affection given that he is a very affectionate man, though, he manages, after all, he’d wade neck deep through hell for you if you so asked. He is incredibly protective of you, especially in public and will insist on escorting you on your errands or trips out to the city whenever he has the time. You’d best believe that Comte always keeps a close eye out for you just to make sure that you’re safe and comfortable, and if you’re not, he will immediately swoop in to protect you.

He knows not to jump in and magically help you if it’s not absolutely necessary, though. However, he will caution you not to work too hard and remind you that he’s available at all hours to solve your problems at the snap of his fingers if you want him to. With your permission, Comte will cuddle you close and stroke your hair, whispering soft praises and affirmations to you, “Ma Cherie, you always work so hard - You don’t need to suffer all of your burdens alone, you know? Please always tell me when you need help and I promise to ease your worries and work. I love you, mon ange and i’m so proud of you.”

Theodorus van Gogh:

Even though he’s mean and crass on the outside, I think Theo would be really quite understanding of you - How touching is a no-no unless you’re in control of it, how you get socially exhausted and how you carry all of your burdens alone. Honestly, Theo gets it, so he’ll probably not tease you as much as he would other people.

Though that being said, he’ll still try to ease the problems and workload weighing down on your shoulders, even though that may not be what you want him to do. And when he sees you complete a tough task or overcome a tribulation that’s been on your mind for a while, Theodorus will soften up a little just for a second to pat you on the back (metaphorically, that is). It’s simple but, “You did well. You’re such a hardworking little hondje, I admire that,” means an awful lot coming from him.

Theo isn’t really one for physical affection anyway, so I don’t think he’d mind if all of the touching in your relationship was initiated by you. Though, he is needy and clingy despite his efforts to hide such a fact so, even if he’s not touching you, he’d still like to keep you close by whenever possible. As your relationship progresses, he might struggle with the whole lack of physical affection so, if he needs to cuddle or just a quick kiss to ease his brilliant, overworked mind, he’ll write you little notes that he’ll slip under your door or leave in your apron pocket for you to find.

“MC,

If you feel like you can, a hug would be appreciated. I’ll be in my room.

Lovingly your’s, Theo.” (You can’t tell me that he isn’t this amount of soft with MC.)

He’ll be so proud of you for dealing with your issues so bravely and if you ever open up to him about it, he’ll be even prouder. Theo isn’t particularly openly affectionate but, when you tell him about your diagnosis, he’ll praise you and remind you that you are amazing - “You’re such a brave pup, I’m proud of you. Ik hou zoveel van je.”

Vincent van Gogh:

Vincent understands what you’re going through straight away. As a man who’s struggled with his mental health and with social anxieties, etc, he’ll always be there to support you no matter what. Vincent will often offer for you to join him up on the bluffs that overlook Paris if you need a safe and quiet place just to be. He’ll also lend you some of his art supplies if you need to relax by doing some painting and extend the offer to join him in his studio if you ever want to.

Though he never forces you to, he’ll encourage you to open up to him whenever you feel ready to - Vincent can’t help but want to ease your burdens in any way that he possibly can. He gives you enough space but always makes sure that he’s near by in case you need him, and like Theo, Vincent might secretly do some of your chores for you just to make your days easier.

He’ll leave you notes around the mansion to find with encouraging messages, reminders that you’re doing a great job and that he’s immensely proud of you. Vincent knows that a little bit of encouragement can go an awfully long way and he wants to provide you with that support whenever he is able to. If he has to travel for a few days, he’ll make sure to leave you plenty of extra notes and letters, and also ask either Theo, Arthur or Comte to look after you for him should you need someone.

Sometimes he forgets about the whole not initiating physical affection thing because he just wants to hold your hand whenever there is the opportunity to do so. Of course, he’ll profusely apologise when he realises his mistake and absolutely beg for your forgiveness, and then treat you to a lovely date to make up for it. He loves you so much and he never wants you to feel uncomfortable.

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transsexualhamlet · 4 years

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asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS: https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things:

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh.

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami.

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience.

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly.

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™ for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

#tpn #the promised neverland #yakusoku no neverland #tpn norman #norman tpn #essay post #god why do i do this to myself #dear god help me this is 5000 words #rowan's hyperfixation essays

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spencers-renaissance · 4 years

Text

Trees and Seas Have Flown Away, I Call it Loving You

Summary: Derek says something hurtful, but it happens to lead to just about the best thing that's ever happened to Spencer.

Tags: hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, making up, bullying, angst with a happy ending, autistic spencer, coming out, getting together

Pairing: Morgan x Reid

Word Count: 3.2k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Spencer is having one hell of a morning. He’d slept late, a significantly rare occurrence for him, and the metro had been delayed and diverted, leaving him to walk a decent chunk of his journey into work. To top it all off, he’d left his pencil case at home, leaving him stuck with cheap office supplies on a paperwork day.

He hates days like these, when his mood is so seriously affected by events beyond his control, and he knows he’s just going to continue to fester in his own self-prescribed misery if he doesn’t take some drastic steps to change the way he’s feeling.

After a moment of staring into space as he considers his options, he decides on a few deep breaths to try and calm himself down. Surveying the mess on his desk after opening his eyes, he tackles that next, sorting through case files that can be filed away and organising the notes he’s currently working on as well as rearranging his personal items to stop them taking up so much room. Already feeling better, he takes a few sips of water and some painkillers for the headache he can feel coming on, and locks eyes on the break room. His mid-morning coffee is due.

Elle and Derek are chatting at the counter when he pushes the door open, and he smiles at both of them. He’s still getting used to being around Elle. She’s so confident and intimidating that he’s not really sure if she likes him that much, and it definitely doesn’t help that she reminds him of the girls he used to go to school with, the ones who found it amusing to laugh at the much younger autistic boy, hiding his stuff and calling him names, standing by and laughing when the older boys would beat him up.

He tries very hard with her, though. Maybe this would be a good opportunity to build more rapport, he thinks, so he listens in while he refills the coffee machine’s water. It’s definitely got nothing to do with how much he wants to climb Derek Morgan like a tree.

Derek looks over and catches him up in that thoughtful sort of way that always gets Spencer’s stomach fluttering. “Elle’s just telling me about the hot date she had on Saturday,” he winks, nudging her in the side. “He seems like a catch.” He sips innocently at his coffee and Spencer realises belatedly that he’s being sarcastic and watches for Elle’s response. God, he wishes conversations weren’t so damn convoluted.

“Oh, fuck off, Morgan,” she says, rolling her eyes. “You’re just jealous because I got laid and how long’s it been for you? Months?”

It’s Derek’s turn to roll his eyes, looking over at Spencer in a way that has him flushing pink. “Come on, Greenaway,” he laughs, “you know full well I’m not exactly lacking in that department.”

Elle gives him a dubious look, before raising her eyebrows and sipping her coffee. “Whatever you say,” she says in a patronising tone - the kind that reminds Spencer of an adult indulging a fantastical child. Derek laughs again, tapping lightly on the underside of her mug and causing it to spill over her hand a little. Spencer envies how easy it is for other people to elicit such a beautiful sound from Derek’s mouth; the few times he’s intentionally made Derek laugh he’d felt like he won a trophy, the sort he’d frame in a cabinet and show off to visitors, giving them a tour of the limited map of Spencer’s victories with a proud smile on his face.

He watches the exchange a little awkwardly, not knowing how to respond to these two very dominant personalities discussing an area he’s not overly familiar with. Unfortunately, they don’t ignore him forever and Elle looks over at him, her intense, fiery gaze already stirring up nerves in his stomach. “Anyway, what about you, Reid, when was your last hot date?” she teases, and he cannot for the life of him figure out if it’s friendly or malicious.

He flounders for only a second, cheeks heating up steadily, before Derek interjects. “Oh come on, Elle,” Derek scoffs. “Not sure Reid’s whole ‘twink aesthetic’ thing is quite what women are after, is it, pretty boy?”

Instantly, humiliation bleeds into his veins. His stomach swirls and he feels dizzy, completely out of his depth as his face reddens even further and he starts to sweat. The playful nudge that digs into his side doesn’t do anything to bring him out of the protective trance his mind’s gone into. “I--” he tries, but he’s cut off by Elle clearly growing bored of the conversation and pushing off the counter-top to leave.

She turns around for a moment as she heads towards the door, walks backwards a few steps as she delivers the final, devastating blow. “Hey, you never know, Reid,” she grins, “maybe the whole virgin genius thing will win them over instead.” She chuckles to herself as she leaves the room, door swinging closed behind her softly, leaving Derek and himself standing there in a vacuum.

Today of all days. It’s been a long time since the last time such a crushing level of humiliation was burning inside him, but he remembers the emotion like muscle memory. His body knows exactly what to do as his gut swirls and his head spins, sweat beading on his skin as though the very little self-esteem he had left is leaking steadily: the stopper that had been keeping the small amounts of confidence he had inside him degraded and dissolved by his coworker’s careless words, nothing there anymore to stop it leaking out of him.

It’s not new. But the sting is so much more visceral when it’s shocked into him by two people he considered friends and one person he was hopelessly, desperately in love with. It feels exactly like high school and university did: the toleration of his presence for intellectual reasons, for everything Spencer had to offer, but ultimately the social rejection of him as a human being when it actually came down to it. He was useful to the team for as much as he could give them. And that was it.

Derek takes a sip from his mug as Elle leaves, but he doesn’t notice Spencer’s completely frozen state until he tries to move on to another topic. “Spencer?” he asks, obviously concerned at his non-response and completely oblivious to his inner turmoil. “What’s wrong?”

He can’t find the words to respond, but he does manage to meet Derek’s eyes and he just stares at him for a few seconds before he shakes his head and looks away again. Derek’s clearly confused, but that only makes it worse. Is he overreacting? Or is Derek just truly that oblivious to the cruelty in his words, to his feelings?

Feeling the tears burning in his eyes and adamantly refusing to cry in the middle of the breakroom, he turns around and hurries to the bathroom without saying a word.

⭐️

He barricades himself into a stall and sits on the closed toilet seat as tears steadily spill down his cheeks. This is exactly the reason he hasn’t told a soul at the FBI -- how would a group of alpha personalities who were likely the most popular kids in high school, likely would have bullied him if they’d attended the same school, that he was gay?

The humiliation stings more coming from Derek. Such negative association with his sexuality had proved himself right: this was a secret he needed to keep quiet. It just hurt so badly that the man he loved seemed so dismissive, so rude about something so integral to his being, and the allusions the entire exchange had to previous traumas had him struggling for breath through the steady stream of tears.

It takes him a few minutes but he eventually manages to calm himself down. He splashes some cool water onto his heated skin and tries his hardest to breathe deeply, even though it feels almost impossible at first. Usually when he gets worked up and has a meltdown or a panic attack he’s able to talk himself out of it after he’s calmed down a little; able to rationalise and apply logic to the situation, which tends to illuminate either an overreaction or a clear path through the problem.

That coping mechanism is not applicable, though - Derek and Elle truly hurt his feelings and there’s no way around that. Instead, he just tries to push it to the edge of his mind. He thinks through the quantum physics problem he’d started at breakfast, and the logical progression through the formulas and rational reasoning he has to use brings his heart rate down and he feels at least a little calmer, even if the twisted knot of dread and grief and pain still sits heavy in his stomach.

He’s just solved the physics problem in his head when the door swings open and he can hear Derek’s signature tread on the bathroom floor. “Spencer?” he calls quietly, pausing as the door closes behind him for just a second before making his way to the end stall. “I know you’re in there.”

“I am in here,” Spencer confirms, resenting how weak and watery his voice sounds.

Derek sighs heavily. “I didn’t get it until I talked to JJ,” he admits, speaking through the door. “I was confused why you suddenly acted so strange so I asked her what she thought was up. I thought it was all friendly banter. To be honest, I didn’t even realise what I’d said until I was explaining it to her. But you gotta understand, pretty boy, I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

Spencer squeezes his eyes shut, but the tears still escape anyway, spilling down his tears in an expression of silent grief as he listens to Derek. He takes a deep breath in through his nose and swipes the tears away from his cheek with his fingertips before unlocking the door, revealing the most apologetic expression he’s ever seen. It doesn’t make him feel much better. He still meant what he said.

He smiles weakly. “Don’t worry about it,” he says, and his voice sounds so vulnerable, it’s giving him away.

Derek’s expression doesn’t ease at Spencer’s forgiveness, he doesn’t smile and consider the issue done and dusted, he frowns harder, eyes desperate. “No, don’t dismiss it,” he says. “I hurt you, and that was wrong. I shouldn’t have said what I said, and Elle shouldn’t have either, okay, kid? I’m really sorry.”

“I know, but I’m used to it,” Spencer says, trying for a light tone and missing the mark by an embarrassing amount.

“Well you shouldn’t be,” Derek frowns. “If you’re so used to it, though, then why did this affect you so much? I’ve never seen you lose your cool like that.” He looks genuinely confused, and combined with the sorrow smothered across his features, it’s a pitiful sight.

“Don’t push, Morgan,” he warns, looking back down at his hands. His back hurts from his awkward, hunched position on the cold porcelain of the toilet.

“Seriously, Spencer, I--” Derek looks completely bewildered, caught off guard by the way he clearly expected this conversation going and the road it’s actually taken.

“I’m gay, alright?” Spencer interjects, loudly. He looks up fiercely into Derek’s eyes as he says it, but the fight quickly drains out of him and he looks down at his hands again, tensing automatically in fear of his reaction.

Derek doesn’t say anything though, so when Spencer eventually looks up again, he finds a strange expression on his face. Not mild disgust or confusion or awkwardness, but relief and fear and frustration.

“Spencer, I--” He cuts himself off as he shuffles his feet and looks away, but Spencer doesn’t miss the mournful tone as he realises the true impact of his words, how they must have hurt him. “You’re gay? That’s… why my comment was so hurtful, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to imply any kind of homophobia, I mean… I’m bisexual,” he admits, the same fear Spencer had felt swirling in his stomach written on Derek’s features.

“You are?” Spencer replies, surprise colouring his tone. He feels a surge of hope rise in his chest and he forces himself to tamper it. Just because Derek likes men absolutely does not mean he likes men like Spencer. In his experience those kinds of people tend to be fairly rare. He stands up from his uncomfortable seat, meeting Derek’s eyes properly for the first time since he entered the toilets.

What he means to do is give him a hug, or maybe have some sort of conversation on a more equal playing field. He does not mean to kiss him.

But when all of a sudden Derek’s lips are on his and Derek’s hands are cradling his cheek and waist so gently, surely it would be rude not to kiss him back. So he does. Far too passionately for a public bathroom in an FBI building, by all accounts.

They break away eventually, and Derek immediately panics. Spencer can see it rise in his eyes and body language, so before he can say anything he pulls him into the stall properly, shutting the door behind them and kisses him again, more gently this time. It’s the most confident thing he thinks he’s ever done, and he’s damn proud of himself because he does not want to go another day without Derek kissing him as tenderly as he is right now, without his hands roaming up and down his sides, without the careful brush of his fingers against the side of his head as he pushes a strand of hair back behind his ear as they pull away again.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that, pretty boy,” Derek whispers, and Spencer can feel the gentle brush of his breath against his lips.

He’s lost for words again, but in a completely different way from just minutes before, and he absolutely cannot believe this is happening. Today of all days.

“Me too,” Spencer confesses, smiling slightly as he allows himself to convey the vulnerability he’s feeling on his face instead of building up a wall in front of it as he usually would. It doesn’t take long for reality to set in though. “But we are in an FBI building and we could definitely lose our jobs for this.”

“Right,” Derek acknowledges, looking up as he puts a bit more space between them, as much as the tiny stall allows. “Later, though, we could maybe do this… not in a government building?”

Spencer’s always wondered how it feels to be on the receiving end of Derek’s romantic charm and charisma, and it’s rather overwhelming. Derek’s smiling cheekily as he interlocks their hands and waits for an answer and Spencer’s finding it a little hard to breathe again.

“Like… a date?” Spencer squeaks, face flushing again -- though admittedly in a much more pleasant manner -- as he prays he hasn’t got the wrong idea.

“Yes,” Derek smiles, “like a date.” He pauses and takes a breath, grinning wider for just a second before he suppresses it slightly and looks back at Spencer. “How about… I swing by your place at 7 and we head to that new Italian place you’ve been talking about?”

“Really?” Spencer asks, face open and vulnerable and honest. He hopes to God that he’s not being mocked right now. It’s happened before. He’s not sure Derek really understands the amount of trust he’s placing in him, the burden that might bring.

“Yes, really,” Derek chuckles, bringing a hand up to rest at the side of his face again as he thumbs gently over his cheekbone. “I’m gonna wine you and dine you, baby, just you wait and see.”

Spencer knows he won’t be able to speak without squeaking embarrassingly again, so he just nods emphatically and beams at Derek.

“I’ll see you at 7, then, pretty boy,” he winks, pressing a brief kiss to his lips. “I’ll be counting down the hours.”

⭐️

Taking care to exit the toilets separately, they return to their desks, filling out the paperwork left over from their most recent case. Spencer is certain that more than one coworker picks up on their shy, knowing looks, shared over the top of coffee mugs and cheap printer paper, but he can’t find it in himself to care. The very thing he’d craved for almost three years, since he first stepped foot in the bullpen and was introduced to Derek Morgan, was within his clutches and he was going to hold on to it no matter what it cost him.

Things feel different almost immediately: ‘pretty boy’ is infinitely more affectionate, the previously platonic touches are lingering and meaningful, Derek’s completely unnecessary paperwork consults seem more affirming and reassuring than ever. The idea that he could possibly spend the rest of his life with Derek Morgan’s hands on him, his passionate kiss on his lips, his compliments and nicknames warming him from the inside out, feels almost dizzying. He knows he’s smiling stupidly, he also knows that JJ and Elle are smiling knowingly, but he just doesn’t care.

He drives himself home and dresses in his smartest suit as soon as he gets back, even though Derek isn’t due for another 30 minutes. For reasons he refuses to acknowledge, he tidies his apartment while he waits and then takes a seat on his sofa, tapping his foot in anxious anticipation. By the time he hears a knock on his door, his heart’s in his mouth and his stomach is fluttering wildly, but that all fades to irrelevancy when he locks eyes with Derek.

“Dr Reid,” he says calmly, smile providing a soft kind of light to his face and Spencer wishes he never had to look away. He passes him a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and Spencer knows enough to recognise it’s a curated bunch, not a hasty supermarket buy but a thoughtful, purposeful trip to the florist.

“Wow,” Spencer says, and he absolutely tries to fight down the emotion rising in his throat but he isn’t quite successful. He takes the offered bouquet and examines them in closer detail, tracing an index-finger along the petal of a yellow daffodil. “New beginnings,” he whispers as tears spring to his eyes. He stares at it a little longer before looking up to meet Derek’s softened, deep brown eyes. He’s still in disbelief that someone would go to the lengths of researching the language of flowers for him, knowing it was something that he liked. “Thank you.”

“New beginnings,” Derek repeats, taking another step closer, “love me, desire, wisdom, and affection returned.” He lifts a hand to rest on Spencer’s cheek again and looks deep into his eyes for just a moment, conveying all he needs to with one look, and leans in to kiss him.

⭐️

Aaaaand this is the conclusion to my 12 Fic Challenge! Thank you to everyone who supported my fics through this journey, I can’t believe all the amazing things it’s led to and I’m so happy that this is the fic to end it. I’m so excited for what’s next in store, so stay tuned! <3

@strippersenseii @criminalmindsvibez

#my writing #criminal minds #criminal minds writing #criminal minds fic #criminal minds angst #criminal minds fluff #moreid #moreid writing #moreid fic #moreid angst #moreid fluff #derek Morgan #spencer reid #derek morgan/spencer reid #derek morgan x spencer reid

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pikaflute · 4 years

Text

hi, sudafed cleared my sinuses long enough to think so here’s a giant post about most of my charles headcanons

Playlist

OH btw here’s my 4 hour and 23 minute playlist for Charles. Enjoy. Yes I know I’m insane: https://open.spotify.com/user/pikaflute24/playlist/4DBxaaxbqsmJt9Fvl8AgwZ?si=OcXlYCdFRzOhuKa4p_HdUQ

General Headcanons

He was born November 24 1965. He’s currently 56, but I usually write him in his late 40s in most fanfic and content I make. So there’s this middle aged man....

He has hazel eyes. Sometimes they look green, sometimes brown. Sometimes they’ll be white but that’s when he’s using his magic so mind your business

Gear brand over his heart >:)c

:) i think he has piercings and tattoos, a skull (dead man teehee) on his upper arm, a tattoo of a date (the date pickles and him first met TEEHEE) on his left arm also has a tattoo on his arm of the day he “died” on his right. had his ears pierced when he was a teen.

Has a sweet tooth so hard. Smuggles in treats into the drawers of his desk just to snack on during the day and has a mini fridge just filled with ice cream and also sorts of other goodies. He loves brownies and cookies the most

Likes to work out and keep himself in shape. it takes his mind off of stressful things like work and the boys, and just take his morning practice sparring and doing various exercises in the mordhaus gym.

he’s uh also very flexible so he does yoga a lot when he exercises. don’t. look too deep into that

cannot cook to save his life. he almost burned mordhaus down trying to make himself a sandwich

he can play guitar! he used to play it more often when he was younger but he rarely has the time to play it nowadays. when he does get to play it, it’s usually in private (and mainly songs by dethklok), or it’s to show off to a certain lead guitarist that yes he is playing that solo wrong

he’s ambidextrous but prefers using his right hand. he’ll use his left hand to spar in order to go easy on his opponents because hes a smug cunt

he’s 5′7 but intimidation factor adds a couple inches doesn’t it

has a scorpion named princess as a pet. he lets her sit on his desk sometimes and it scares the shit out of dethklok which makes charles laugh on the inside

hes also a cat person. one time toki brought a cat home and it settled on charles’ lap and he almost cried

loves to be a smug asshole and relishes in it. will not take shit from anyone, especially from some asshole who is trying to pull one over on him

he has no idea how social media works at all. will print memes out to show to dethklok, he’s very fond of cat memes specifically (i can has cheeseburger type beat)

he has no idea what any internet memes means he isn’t going to start learning. he is going to misuse internet phrases. are you boys, ah, finding the imposter? [cue five groans from dethklok]

knows a lot of languages. not a comprehensive list but: french, swedish, norwegian, spanish, italian, japanese, chinese, german, russian and korean

is very competitive. scarily competitive. once he starts losing in smash or mario kart all hell will break lose

very bad at showing emotions or affection, when he gets compliments he gets all red and quiet and mumbles a thank you.

weird about being touched as well and will usually avoid it unless it’s with someone he trusts

speaking of, his love language is acts of service :)c

hates being called charlie or chuck, unless the right person calls him it ;)

he’s autistic. was nonverbal for most of his life and only talked to certain people, or anyone at all. he stims with his hands and uses his pens to fidget.

has a collection of novelty socks. he likes the ones that have polka dots or stripes

sleeps with a garfield plushie he had since he was younger. it helps him with the nightmares

when any of the boys need help sleeping (usually toki or pickles), he’ll sleep with them in his bed. after dying he had trouble sleeping some nights, so dethklok returned the favor and all piled up in his bed and helped him sleep. he didnt have nightmares after that night

hes nearsighted, and prefers to wear glasses over contacts

lactose intolerant, hes still eating mac n cheese and paying the price

metalhead but pretends to not be just to mess with his boys

crippling addiction to match 3 games. also loves to play minecraft.

overly self sacrificial. puts ones he love needs before his own, results in himself being very isolated and distant from those he cares about because he’s afraid of hurting them

his favorite colors are black and purple

coffee kinda guy. black coffee or bust

has a lot of cute novelty mugs to put his coffee in. he ones from places where dethklok tours, dethklok official ones (the only two that aren’t adorned with spikes), some cat themed ones, a couple that have ties and math references, and one from his boys that says “most brutal manager”. he drinks out of that last one the most

he has a couple of grey hairs and wrinkles, but he keeps them because they remind him that he’s human. also pickles said old men were hot but you didnt hear that from me

likes to play chess but he can never find a good opponent. all the klokateers are too scared if they win and dethklok is too distracted to ever play with him or they end up losing to quickly if charles plays against them

really wants kids. he babies his sister’s sons and daughters a TON (uncle charles always brings the best gifts :) ) and also treats toki like his own son in a way. toki doesnt mind, he really appreciates the love

speaking of, toki does call charles dad once and it makes charles cry for like. a week and a half

his favorite dethklok song is the gears :)

he likes to collect knives as a side hobby, his favorite of his collection is a sleek black one with skulls on the handle

he has a motorcycle and likes to drive it around sometimes to just be alone with himself. it’s all black with a red gear on it

lightweight but only if he drinks the amount dethklok drinks. can hold his alcohol fairly well if he drinks like a sensible human, prefers brandy and wine

he can smoke cigars to be sexy for me and me ONLY

likes to read in his spare time. he likes mystery novels and science fiction

he has soft spot for cheesy sitcoms, they’re his guilty pleasure

his favorite youtuber is lockpickinglawyer. yours should be too

usually sleeps in only his boxers but will wear a shirt if its’s cold. he tends to sleep on his side (also wants to be the little spoon when cuddled but he will never admit that)

takes vacations sometimes away from the boys despite his worry that something will go wrong (it will!). many of his vacations are usually going to visit his family and going to the shore with them, or travelling to somewhere new for a change (cue charles being a yakuza substory on his one vacation per year)

he can sew pretty well. learned from his mom and used to sew the whole his sister use to put through her soccer uniform.

can also do makeup, and usually does it for one of the boys of there’s no one else around to help

bites his lip when he’s nervous. which is a lot

likes chococat and gudetama. he’s a man of tastes

laughs really loud if you catch him off guard. he snorts sometimes too. he’s embarrassed by it, but i think its’ cute

loves law and order obviously

he likes men

has a lot of pent up rage. very good at compressing it. sometimes

as high priest, he stays up very late trying to decipher the ancient prophecies that dethklok needed to fulfill. he doesnt sleep very much when he starts out because he misses home, so the band makes him come back (or else)

also as high priest he becomes more intune with magic granted to him after he died and he mainly uses his magic to protect his boys when they go back to being a band. also to fuck with them

the band he managed before dethklok was a band named savior who said they were a metal band with a unique sound, but that unique sound was actually just being a christian metal band that were bad at playing music. they also treated charles like shit and blamed him for them doing so poorly with sales and shows. had an unfortunate “accident” with a tour bus after charles had enough of their attitude towards him. he denies he had anything to do with it (he did.)

Family/Childhood

He’s the baby of the family. Spoiled rotten to the max. He doesn’t admit it though but whenever he comes home you know he abuses the “:)c im the favorite” card

He has 4 older sisters: Caroline who is a high school civics teacher, Cynthia who is a librarian, Callie who is a coach for a soccer team, and Charlotte who is a lawyer/manager who manages Ladyklok, which gets awkward (and funny) when Abigail starts dating the lead singer Natalie

charles is actually one of the tallest in his family. his dad is 6’1 and his older sister Callie is 5’11. cynthia is 5’6, caroline is 5’6, and his mom and charlotte are 5’5.

his mom is a doctor and his dad is an accountant. his mom’s name is giovanna and his dad’s name is elijah

caroline is the oldest sister, followed by cynthia, callie, charlotte then charles.

Charlotte and Charles are sworn enemies since they were born on the same day a year apart and basically have the same job. They do love each other though

His father calls him Charles. Caroline and Cynthia call him Charlie. Callie calls him Chuck. Charlotte calls him Charles (derogatory). His mom calls him a whole slew of nicknames that she made up when he was young (she calls him cheese ball and he turns red)

caroline has a wife (lauren who is a chef) and two kids (evan and shelby)

cynthia is dating a coworker (viola)

callie has a husband (john who is a stay at home dad) and they have three kids (brenda, melissa, and jeff)

charlotte is dating ladyklok (and abigail). this is a weird flex on charles i think.

He had a race car bed when he was like 5

He also was also one of those kids at family game night. He almost killed Cynthia over a game of monopoly

Always got to lick the spoon first after his mom baked brownies

He grew up in North Jersey (derogatory) (also yes im projecting state shot)

He’s also Italian (derogatory)

He got bullied in middle school for a little bit but once his older sisters found out, oh boy did all hell break loose

Was in band in high school. He played flute (DONT TALK TO ME I LIKE PROJECTING), he was of course a soloist and incredibly smug about it

Took gymnastics as a kid. Can do a backflip on command. Also very flexible.

First manager gig was helping his sisters sell girl scout cookies. They raked in a lot of profits when baby bro was behind the scenes. His cut was eating thin mints for free

Loved Star Trek when he was a kid

Was incredibly gifted, and taught himself to read at a young age. didn’t talk that much though

was always sick when he was little. he would always get sinus infections and colds if someone even sneezed weird

was in mock trial in high school. one guy on his team was a jerk to him so charles made it a point to be this poor kid’s nemesis

was on the student council, treasurer of course.

was also in nhs, and he was treasurer there too

was that kid who insisted on doing the group project by himself because he didn’t want to wait on anyone to finish their part

was super rowdy as a kid, always got into trouble but his mom was a little lenient of punishment (hes a mommas boy)

when he was like super young he bit people cause he was just a little monster (charles' sisters: mom charles is biting again. charles, biting one of them: im not :/ sheesh)

wanted to be a lawyer since he was 7

put his own siblings and parents on trial and would win every trial and would always get the last cookie or a higher allowance

he shared his room with his sister Charlotte and they would set up a pillow fort on one of the beds and stay up late reading together

loved going to the beach as a kid, his mom still has his collection of shells from the beach

on the boardwalk, he would dominate at claw machines anad carnival games. he won a bunch of plushies from himself (and his sisters obviously)

his dad and him have a super close bond. they watched star trek together and also like to watch how the stock market would do. his dad was also sometimes the judge in charles’ mock trials at home

they were very supportive when he came out as gay, he was also the first of his sibilings to come out of the closet

College

Got his masters in business management at rutgers and a JD (law degree) from seton hall law.

Started college when he was 18 (1983) and ended college when he was 26 (1991)

Wasn’t a party guy. Never got invited to many, but he never went unless a certain redhead was in town

Sustained himself off of ramen, coffee, and SSRIs to get his masters (hey man i feel ya)

Did weed like three times. Three of those times were because of, you guessed it, a certain redhead

Speaking of, his first time having sex was in his dorm with Pickles. Pickles also kicked him off of the bed (those beds are fucking tiny) while they slept, and almost burned Charles’ dorm down trying to make toast the next morning

Absolute did not do essays until the night before. Bad habit that made it’s way into Dethklok managing when he’s forced to write a legal brief before 12 am.

Loved calculus 2 for some reason. Nerd

Had a mullet. Pickles thought it was hot (still is) while Charles would rather die than remember anything about that horrid hairdo

Also went through his goth/emo phase while in Law School. He stuck out amongst the sea of sweater vests and polo shirts

Was in a band with his fellow college bandmates. The band was called Habeas Corpses and he was the lead singer who also played guitar. Their sound was kind of similar to TWRP’s first two EPs (The Device and 2nite). they had a grunge aesthetic, and yes charles dyed his mullet black (with a purple streak), for the band.

his bandmates were all fellow law students. dillan was on drums, margaret was their bass guitar, and nick was their keyboardist. all three of them also got tutored by charles while in law school. they are still best friends and write to each other sometimes

Was on the debate team, but uh kicked off due to be very competitive (he threatened to punch the opposing debater)

Was also in the chess club, also kicked off for being too competitive (lunged at a kid for cheating)

After being kicked from the two previous clubs, he joined fencing, his very competitive nature made him the best in the state

nick (the guy in charles’ band) was charles’ roommate the whole time they were in college. they may or may not have had a brief relationship before they realized they would be better as friends

nick also has a nes and charles loved to played zelda and wrote an entire guide for himself because he’s was that into the game (nerd)

occasionally would be found sleeping in the library on campus

wanted to be an RA but the resident association at his schools thought he was a little much. charles took this as a compliment

worked out a lot between studying and classes. a lot of jocks underestimated him because of his size but charles was just :) [casually lifts something heavy]

a lot of fellow classmates thought he was super cool cause of the leather he wore, and how cool and quiet he was, too bad they didnt know he was a huge nerd

tried skateboarding. once.

had a cadillac that barely started and drove like a piece of shit but that was charles’ baby

pickles tried to have sex with charles in said car btw, charles almost killed him for even daring to suggest to tarnish his beautiful baby

has damaged his back permanently because of all the books he used to carry around in his crappy back pack

did some modelling for one of his friends in college. he was very attractive and got some other modelling job through it. he tries to hide that from the boys in the future because he thinks it’s embarrassing

Relationship with Dethklok

Pickles - he’s known the drummer the longest out of any other member, and if you couldn’t tell by now, he had a brief relationship with the drummer back in the 80s (and maybe also still has a crush on him :)). charles respects and admires pickles’ talent as a musician and sometimes they play together when they have time alone. he tries to be there when pickles has a relapse in either emotions with his family or something else, but still tries to maintain a distance because he thinks that pickles doesn’t feel the same as he did in the 80s. (he does btw). nothing could break the bond these two share. not even death

Nathan - understands nathan’s quiet nature (nonverbal kings!) and strive for perfection in everything dethklok creates because he is the same way. their similarities allow them to connect on a level that allows nathan to open up about his feelings that he likes to lock away. nathan also gets charles to open his feelings up and actually care for himself for once in his damn life. charles also helps nathan with the depression he develops after charles dies and how to deal with it despite it being not brutal. nathan wants to give back and he does by becoming one of charles’ closest friends (and maybe even lovers hehehe)

Toki - charles has taken it upon himself to be toki’s father figure after seeing the way toki’s family has left him for essentially dead. ever since toki joined the band, charles has made it a point to be there for him whenever he needed it. even if it meant spending late nights reading to toki or sleeping over in toki’s room to help him sleep, he’ll do it. he blames himself for toki’s disappearance but toki assures him that he did the best he could. toki calls him dad a lot after doomstar. it makes charles cry.

Skwisgaar - unstoppable asshole meets immovable object. skwisgaar sees himself above everyone else like he does with the other dethklok members but with charles, skwisgaar knows that charles isn’t intimidated by him nor will he bow to the guitar god in anyway. this develops a game of cat and mouse between the two, with skwisgaar trying to no subtly push charles’ buttons and to see what makes him ticks, while charles resist him at every turn with a smug ‘:) is that all you got’ and it delights him to finally see the guitarist squirm under pressure.

Murderface - at first the two are very. distant to say the least. murderface used to see charles as unemotional robot and charles was fine with that and accepted the distance. overtime however, and especially after charles died, murderface warmed up to charles confiding in him things he hasn’t told the band, mainly things about his insecurities because charles is ‘fucking smart with crap like this’. and charles helps him and is happy to see him work out his problems and not bottle them anymore like the rest of his bandmates. charles also enjoys murderface’s company as a friend as well. and….he’s gonna help murderface the most with the whole traitor stuff too.

Abigail - mlm and wlw hostility. but seriously they’re good buds. he sympathizes with having to deal the moronic actions of dethklok on a daily basis and also thinks she’s really intelligent and overall fun to hang out with. they take lunch breaks frequently together and like to make fun of people at dethklok dinners together as a fun activity together. abigail will bully his ass once she finds out she’s dating charles’ sister and WILL bring up those baby pictures to get a higher raise thank you very much

Knubbler - can you say coworker besties! like abigail, he gets along because they both have to deal with dethklok being, well dethklok, but with knubbler, charles can relax a little more. the two cause problems on purpose just because they can. the two are also close friends and knubbler tries to get charles to relax for once in his life, and despite charles protests and objections, he sometimes caves and hands out with his friend (maybe boyfriend OOOOO who knows)

Sex Headcanons (IM SORRY)

um maybe he can have a giant dick (10 inches for me), it do be swinging though

daddy kink (everyone stay on this side, ill take care of him….come to daddy ;)c)

likes to do roleplay. he has a lot of costumes prepared for when his partner wants to do a scene with him

likes to bite and be bitten during sex. after a very long night, he’ll be covered in bite marks, it’s kinda hot

no gag reflex ;) he likes to deepthroat but good luck trying to get him to go down on you without him teasing

remember how i said he was flexible like eight times? yeah he uh, uses that a lot to his advantage. likes being fucked in weird positions because of it

the suit stays on during sex

he likes topping because he likes to be in control of everything he does all the time, but really wants to be told what to do sometimes and will let those he trusts do that for him

he has a dick piercing i know it

he's a very busy man, so he relies on his huge collection of toys he keeps in his bedroom and office

really good with his hands. as soon as those hands are on you, its game over

he loves to do it on his desk, makes him feel powerful. when he gets blown under his desk, it really takes all of his willpower to not cum immediately

really sensitive in weird places, specifically his ears

he likes to cuddle after sex, hes the little spoon :)

likes to be tied up, sometimes he’ll get tied up under his suit

mating press and riding are his favorite positions, giving and receiving

size queen, likes large toys and well ;)

has a private room that he sometimes goes to relieve stress, it has a fucking machine that he likes to use often when his job gets too stressful

he’s sucking people off at the klokateer glory hole, he’s uh, very good at what he does

likes to be spanked and like to spank

uses collars and leashes

maybe the klokateers can fuck him, if they’re good ;)

freeballing

likes cum on his face but doesn't seem to realize that means he’ll get cum on his glasses and will need to clean them

he can wear a chastity belt :) for me

likes being came in but will still complain about being gross after

pretty much up for anything, he’s not picky, he just wants to be in control and get off

#metalocalypse #charles foster offdensen

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babysizedfics · 4 years

Text

janus trying to get child virgil to socialize and it ending in bullying

tw: angst, bullying (not violent) between children, ableism against an (undiagnosed) autistic child

janus always knew that it was healthy to get a child to socialize with other children especially since virgil was not enrolled in education in the mindscape, janus homeschooled him. so when virgil was 6 yrs old he started taking him to a playgroup at weekends (virgil was still mostly mute but occassionally said single words if he needed something like "hungry" or "sleep" or "change")

and janus stayed during the playtime for the first two or three weeks so that virgil got used to the nanny and the environment. janus informed her that virgil was still in diapers and she did look down on that a little and told janus he should get him potty trained ASAP but janus was trying his best.

but for all that time virgil refused to go and play with the other children and just clung to janus, so eventually janus was like okay Virgil, janus is going to go outside for a while then i'll be right back, dont worry this nice lady will look after you - and leaves virgil there for the hour, trying to encourage him to get used to being separated from janus

then when he comes to collect him virgil immediately runs back to him and clings so hard and janus is worried. he asks the nanny how was he did he throw any tantrums did he ask for me and she says he was fine, he did cry a bit at the beginning but then some older kids helped him feel beter - and janus is like oh!! thats amazing thank you!!

and as he carries virgil home virgil is completely silent but janus is like did you have fun? was it nice to play with the older kids? i bet you had lots of fun! and virgil would just cling to him and janus assumed he was shy from interacting with people

so that happened a couple more times, janus left virgil there and virgil wouldnt speak but he wouldnt cry and cling to janus or anything either, so he assumed it was just shyness - there was one time his white hair had clumps of various colours of paint in it and the nanny and janus chuckled over him having an artistic streak

until one day when he comes back a little earlier to pick virgil up just because they had to get to the store before it shut or something - so he shows up early and all the kids are running around playing with toys and stuff, and he spots virgil with a group of three older boys and he starts to smile - until he notices virgil sucking his thumb, which is mainly a sleepy or a nervous habit

so he frowns and steps into the nursery closer trying to swerve around giggling kids and toddlers running around, and he starts to hear the boys

"he wont do that hes only a baby" "no he's not, he's like 4!" "yeah but i seen he always wears a diaper!" *giggles* "i bet he wont do it!" "yeah he will, he will!" "go on tell him to do it!"

and little virgil is just curled into himself and sucking his thumb and looking at their feet because he doesnt like looking at peoples eyes.

and one of the boys says "hey, you gotta eat this!" and holds out a piece of modelling clay and janus' heart races in the few seconds it takes for virgil to start whimpering and step back and another boy quickly pull him closer and insist "the nany said you have to or you'll be in trouble! don't you wanna be good for your weird daddy?" and hear the other boys laughing as virgil sniffles and pulls his thumb out of his mouth ready to reach for the clay

janus RUSHES in and scoops virgil into his arms and coos "no virgil, no no shh you dont need to do that, darling" and virgil immediately starts to cry into his shoulder and clings tight, and literally all janus has to do is look at the little boys - with his pierced lip and his snake tattoo and his scarred face - and the boys run away.

and janus FURIOUSLY storms over to where the nanny was helping a little girl brush a dolls hair and demand to know why she didnt notice those boys trying to force his child to eat clay - and shes pretty flippant like ohh no those boys have always been well behaved, im sure they werent forcing virgil to do anything,

but janus insists and yells that his child was being manipulated by thise boys and she did nothing to stop it and she argues that maybe virgil was just a little confused and wanted to eat the clay - janus is incredulous "are you saying my child is stupid??" "no no not stupid. perhaps special?" she suggests quite condescendingly - and janus looks enraged but the nanny insists that he please leave in case he scare the children. he hisses "gladly." they never go back

janus never learns what the boys did to virgil/made him do in the previous sessions - virgil doesnt have the comminicative capacity to tell him - but he can obviously make an educated guess that the paint in virgils hair that one time probably wasnt his choice

and after that janus never tried to take virgil to that playgroup again. they tried some others over the years, maybe another couple, but they ended similarly, with virgil being picked on - mostly for his albinism or for not being able to speak or basically anything the other kids saw as different.

a few years later he took virgil to an older boys club - the club was maybe like a wilderness thing, where they learn to tie knots and use a compass and stuff - it was when he was about 11 years old and could finally speak in full sentences, so janus thought virgil being able to talk to the other kids would finally give him an opportunity to make some friends. though janus didnt yet realise that virgil was selectively mute, and still couldnt speak with strangers

so when janus picked him up from the first session, he found virgil shaking and tearful standing outside of the club with a big wet patch on his pants and a group of the other boys all sniggering and pointing and whispering a few feet away from him. virgil had gone mute at the club, which became an issue when he needed the bathroom but couldnt ask the club leader where it was or if he could go, and led to a very upsetting and humiliating accident in front of all the other boys.

at that point janus knew he wouldnt be bringing virgil back to that club either, and they basically gave up on getting virgil to socialize with kids his age since it kept ending in virgil being bullied for his differences

...

nowadays i think only janus and virgil (and eventually virgils therapist, dr picani) know about these incidents, janus would never tell anyone else abt them and virgil wouldnt want to relive them by telling his family. so janus is really the only one who realises that virgil being so affected by the cyberbullying he experienced in the past couple of years wasnt just about the cyberbullying, but it probably resurfaced old traumatic memories too

#this one im a lil insecure abt so if you could pls comment or send an ask if u have the energy that would be rlly appreciated #very different from our regular content on this blog #but thsi was surprisingly healing for me to write so i hope at least one of you appreciates it too hdhsh #little/big concepts #nana janus #kid virgil #child virgil #bullying tw #ableism mention #little angst

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