#some men even tried to shoot their shot w me LMAO

[sexysilverstrider]

people legit thought i was the LITTLE sister in my brothers wedding lmao. lol even.

[cowboy-canoodler]

A High Note of Love: Part 5

( Idk why I’m still writing this, not many people read it but w/e. I really like this chapter, but I’m also a whore for Sean so whatever lmao. I also do not do well with the other women in the camp, i have no idea how to write most of the men either but hey ho whatever!)

Master list :http://cowboy-canoodler.tumblr.com/post/183094165570/a-high-note-of-love-master-list

Sean, and Arthur were about to ride you to their camp to introduce you to the rest of the gang. Your heart was beating rapidly inside your chest, if they didn’t like you what would you do? Arthur was loyal, you knew that, and you didn’t want to force this choice on him, mainly because you knew that he wouldn’t choose you.

Your clothes now resembled someone of the higher society, but not high enough that the gang would be repulsed by you. You chose a deep emerald green gown, with gold lace accents along the collar, cuffs, and along your bustle, a small bonnet with Lillies adorned your head. You held a small suitcase full of day clothes and some make up to touch up later on, you had a feeling that you wouldn’t be riding back home tonight. A last look in the mirror and you were satisfied with you final outfit, you turned to leave your room and show yourself to Arthur. He was stood with his back at the bar, smoking a cigarette, you could see specks of mud on the back of his neck, some blood too.

“Those are bad for your health you know” You commented making your way towards him.

“Says who?” Arthur turned around with a smirk on his face, but his mouth fell agape when he saw you, “Hot damn”

“What?” You panicked, “Do I look okay?” You started looking down and around your outfit in a panic.

“No no! You- You look beautiful (Y/N)” Arthur looked lost for words, his eyes bore a hole into your outfit, almost as if he hadn’t seen one quite like it.

“Oh” Your head snapped up to meet his gaze with a blush dusting your cheeks, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear you replied, “Th-Thank you Arthur”. A smile crept its way into your face and you tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, “We shouldn’t keep Sean waiting”

“I guess you’re right, don’t know how happy I am that he’s comin’ on our ride, but it is what it is I s’pose” Arthur placed a hand on your shoulder and started leading you out of the door of the bar and there was a delicate touch to his hand as if he were handling something precious.

Sean was restless on his horse looking around at the people scattered on the streets, “finally” he looked over at you and Arthur, who had removed his hand from you as soon as he saw Sean, “thought you were gonna bail on me!”

“Did enough bailin’ for you when we saved your damn ass from hangin’” Arthur chuckled helping you onto his horse, you were settled and Arthur hoisted him self in front of you and sat down, somehow slotting in front of you perfectly and you wrapped your arms around his stomach for balance. That’s what you told yourself anyway, but you enjoyed the feeling of him being close to you again. The only time you two had been as close as this was weeks ago when you shared a bed, neither you nor Arthur had tried to initiate sex again after that. IT somehow didn’t feel right, like you would ruin what was blooming.

“God Arthur! you speak of that all the time but it was years ago!” Sean lightly kicked his horse to start your journey.

“It was last week!” Arthur shouted back, their personalities were so different from each other and yet they worked so well joking around and making you giggle.

“You sure? Feels like years ago when I’m with such delightful comp’ny, say Miss (Y/N)?” Sean looked back at you with a grin on his face.

“Yes Master MacGuire?” You lifted a brow to the ginger lad, a curious tone to your voice, “How can one such as I help you?”

“What part of Great Britain are you from?” Sean suddenly got very serious, not forgetting this man was Irish and probably hated the English for all they had done against the Irish.

“Lesnewth, Cornwall. Though I no longer consider myself English, if my mother saw me today she’d refer to me as a-” You shrivelled your face up, as if eating a lemon, and spoke in an over exaggerated posh accent referring to your mother, “A dirty Yankee, you’re a disgrace upon the name of (Y/LN) and should be whipped!” All three of you left out a laugh at your impression of your mother, “Not a delightful woman to speak to my mother, unless you’re Queen Victoria of course!”

“She sure sounds like it!” Arthur was still chuckling at your impression earlier, you could feel his stomach muscles working with each breath.

“Lisnewth? I ain’t never heard of that, but Cornwall? Now you’re talkin! I’m gonna guess you’re family’s in Tin mining then?” A couple of men on horses passed giving you and Arthur a dirty look.

“My my Master MacGuire! How ever did you guess?” You were genuinely surprised that Sean knew of the Tin mining in Cornwall, then again Tin mining is the only thing to come out of Cornwall. “You guessed right though, my family used to own a small Tin mine, then the prices shot up and we became rich. Funny how it happens to the un-expecting, and the un-deserving” The last part you mumbled under your breath but you’re sure Arthur heard, you could feel his shoulders tighten in response.

“You don’t need to tell him (Y/N), he’ll only get attached to ya, and then you gotta talk to him everyday!” Was Arthur joking? This was a rare sight indeed, you could feel that he was relaxed around you, or maybe it was Sean, it would make sense for Arthur to be relaxed around someone he considers his family.

“What if I want to speak to Master MacGuire everyday?” You teased Arthur, pinching at his stomach a little.

“Exactly! What if she wants to speak to me? I’m handsome, charming-” Sean puffed out his chest as he started listing his good qualities.

“Loud, cocky, prone to shoot before thinkin’“ Arthur cut in and listed Seans seemingly bad qualities.

“Oh, trying to turn her against me are you Arthur? Well how about we let the lady decide?” Sean looked directly at you and you stared to burn up.

“Oh! Well- I- Uh- I don’t really know you yet Master MacGuire, but I wouldn’t mind getting to know you better” You smiled back. Arthur snapped his reins and demanded his horse move faster, trying to get you away from Sean no doubt.

“Arthur!” Sean shouted but you were well ahead of him.

“Arthur? What are you doing?” You asked, tugging your arms at his torso.

“I don’t like you talking to him”

“Is this jealousy Arthur? Get a grip!” You snapped at him, why did you snap at him? Part of you was happy he was jealous, but you also felt conflicted. You should be able to freely speak to men or women without repercussions, and you especially felt hatred towards the fact you were being told what you can and can’t do. “I can get to know whomever I want” You lightly hit your head on Arthurs back to give him a nudge.

Arthur pulled on the reins and slowed down to a trot, “I know, I know. I don’t wanna control you (Y/N), I just. Nevermind, we’re close to the camp now” Arthur looked back and saw Sean catching up to you both.

“The hell Arthur?” Seans hair was dishevelled and he was out of breath.

“I wanted her for myself for a bit, got a problem?” Arthur teased Sean again, but his comment did bring a little happiness to you. “Besides, I had no idea what y’all were talkin’ bout. Tin, Cornwall, Liscewth or whatever” Sean and Arthur carried on their bickering but you were looking out over the forest.

You could see the glow of fires in the distance, the sun had started to set and a warm glow enveloped the forest around you. Highlights of deer in the trees, the flowers on the ground, and leaves in the trees. The evening was beautiful and you were so glad you could be here to enjoy it.

“Who’s that?” A Voice shouted from the trees, it came from a big man with a black beard and rotund belly. He carried a rifle in his hands, cocked and ready to fire.

“Sean and Arthur ya dumbass!” Arthur shouted back.

“Who’s that?” The man nodded towards you, a furrowed brow and pressed lips on his face.

“She’s a friend, put your damn gun away. Don’t point it at a a lady”

“Pleasure to meet you sir” You offered a warm smile, this was the second member of the gang you were meeting and you wanted to make a good first impression.

“You sure we can trust her?”  An air of suspicion was suddenly around you, it was like nothing you’d ever felt before.

“Bill shut yer damn mouth, if I thought we couldn’t trust her do you think I would have brought her here?” Arthur rolled his eyes and dismissively waved his hand at Bill.

“Well I suppose so, but I got my eye on you Missy!” You were slightly taken aback by Bills forwardness, you stared Bill in the eyes as you and Arthur made your way past on the horse.

“I look forward to getting to know you in the future Master Bill” Did you? Part of you knew that the suspicion would never fade away, maybe he was like this with everyone, nevertheless you needed Arthurs family to like you.

You, Sean, and Arthur came up to the hitching posts and Arthur dismounted, with very heavy feet. You swung your right leg over the horse and slid your way off as gracefully as you could a slight lighter than Arthur. Sean gave you a wink and walked his way into the camp, waving at fellow gang members along the way. There were tents, carts, and tables set up with people jostling about, drinking and having fun.

“Is there a party or something?” You asked, walking your way alongside Arthur.

“Naw. No party. Jus’ glad to be alive I s’pose” Arthur looked handsome in the evening light, the orange shades of the sun lit up the highlights of his face, His broad nose, stubbled jaw, eyebrows, eyes, hat, everything about him. He was just a very handsome man in general. He soon looked down and caught you staring, “Somethin’ wrong?” His brow raised and his eyes widened.

“No not at all” Your breath hitched as you looked into his eyes, “Just admiring the view. The evening sun lights up your features perfectly Arthur” A warm breeze passed and the smell of smoke from the fires wafted by, you could hear singing and laughing from the camp members.

“Not much of a view if ya tell me” Arthur looked away, you had thought your compliment had made him smile but now only furrowed bros and a scowl remained, you brought a hand to Arthurs cheek and turned him to face you again.

“It’s one hell of a view Arthur” You smiled again, and so did Arthur this time.

“Hey (Y/N)!” Sean shouted as he ran up to you and Arthur, “I told some o’ the members about ya! Don’t be embarrassed to meet them!”

“Thank you Master-”

“Please call me Sean, I beg ya”

“Thank you, Sean” Sean winked once more and ran back off into the camp towards a woman with blonde shoulder length hair, in tight curls, a whiskey bottle grasped firmly in her hand. “Well, who should I meet now?” you didn’t want Arthur to know you were nervous but you were certain he had already noticed.

“Come one, I’ll let ya see Hosea” Arthur placed a guiding hand on you once more and brought you to a table with an older man sat at it writing in a book. He was well dressed, and well kept, silver hair slicked to one side, years tugging at his skin

“Are we interrupting?” Arthur asked sitting him self down.

“Not at all Arthur I-” Hosea looked up and caught your eyes, “Oh pardon me I didn’t realise I was in the company of a lady” He stood up and extended an hand, “Hosea Matthews”

You took his hand and gave it a light shake “(Y/FN) (Y/LN), nice to meet you” Hosea gestured for you to sit down and you complied.

“You’re English?”Hosea asked, his eyes piercing into yours, he was workign you out without uttering a word about it, you nodded in response, “Ah, been in America long?”

“A couple of years now, but it feels like I’ve always lived here” Arthur stood up and walked over to a couple of crates by a wagon, he pulled out three bottles of beer and made his way back over.

“America can be like that, Arthur how did you and Miss (Y/LN) meet?” Hosea looked over at Arthur and grabbed one of the beers.

“Oh, I was scopin’ a target in Saint Denis, he went into a saloon, I went in, and (Y/N) was singing that night. Jus’ so happened to listen in” Arthur popped off the bottle caps and handed a beer to you, which you gratuitously accepted.

“My dear girl, you’re a singer?” Hosea raised his eyebrows and you started to feel embarrassed.

“Yes, It’s nothing big I just sing a couple of nights a week. I’m not all that good that I deserve praise or attention!” You were waving your hands about trying to sound humble.

“Not all that good?” Arthur scoffed and took a swig of his drink, “Hosea she has a voice like an angel” His comment made you blush deeply, a light chuckle escaping from your lips.

“Arthur doesn’t give compliments like this lightly, so I’m compelled to believe him” Hosea took another swig of his drink, he was very slender and kept his appearance up.

“I must thank you then Arthur” you gave Arthur a slight judge with your elbow, an embarrassment taking over you, it was a nice thought that Arthur kept compliments like this for people who really deserve it, not like then men who throw them around to manipulate you into getting into their bed for the night.

“S’no problem, I’m only tellin’ the truth” Arthur looked over at Hosea who had returned to writing in his book, you couldn’t quite tell what he was writing but it looked like a map of sorts with arrows and directions. Arthur caught you staring and promptly stood up, “we’ll leave ya be Hosea, you got work to do I see” Arthur offered a hand out to you which you accepted, and you stood up grabbing s hold of your drink in your other hand.

“No problem Arthur” Hosea look up to you, “pleasure to meet you Miss (Y/LN).”

“And you too Mister Matthews” you gave a small curtsy and followed Arthur who had begun walking towards the campfire, towards a man with black hair, a poncho, hat, and a guitar, and another with shoulder length brown hair, a beer, and a gaunt expression.

“This here is Javier Escuella and Kieran O’Driscoll” Arthur extended a hand out towards the two men who had been sitting in silence prior to your introduction. They both looked up towards Arthur and yourself.

“I ain’t an O’Driscoll sir!” Kieran promptly responded before seeing you, “Oh! I’m sorry I didn’t see you there” he stood up and offered a hand of greeting towards you, “I’m Kieran, n-not with the O’Driscoll part Ma’am, my last name’s Duffy” His expression was soft, not battle hardened like the rest of the gang you had seen, a small lanky sort of boy who’s hair fell in front of his face.

“Calm down, I was jus’ jokin’ around” Arthur diffused, setting himself down next to Javier who gave him a quizzical look. You bowed your head towards Kieran and took his hand giving him a reassuring smile. Javier look up at you and gave you a small nod, “this here’s Javier”

“A pleasure to meet you both, I’m (Y/N) (Y/LN)” you kept your voice soft as you introduced yourself, Arthur was sat in the floor next to Javier and you sat on a log next to Keiran, Javier went back to looking at his guitar and the air went dead, not at all like how it was with Hosea. “Do you play Mister Escuella?” You asked after taking a sip of your beer.

“Si, one of the things that keeps camp home. It’s nice to meet you Senorita” The guitar was beautiful, and very well kept, no signs of wear on the strings, carved intricacies were all over it, and Javier hands were always soft when handling the wood. 

“(Y/N) here is a singer in Saint Denis-” Arthur looked over at you, his eyes sparkling in the firelight, a warm glow to his face, God he was even more handsome right now. Your heart was about to beat out of your chest as you met his gaze, you saw his mouth moving but didn’t hear a word as you stared at him. (Y/N)?  (Y/N)? You there?” Arthur waved a hand infront of your face and you blinked in response.

“Huh?” you shook your head and saw Javier, Kieran, and Arthur were staring at you, “Yeah?”

“You zoned out there, thought we lost ya” Arthur and Javier chuckled, Kieran sat quiet.

“Oh goodness I’m sorry, I daydreamed for a second there. My apologies” You shook your hands in front of you, slightly flustered by your air headed session.

“As Arthur was saying, you’re a singer in Saint Denis?” Javier placed his guitar down gently and reached for a bottle that sat next to him.

“Yes! It’s how Arthur and I met” You regaled the story once again to Javier and Kieran, the Mexican was cool an collected, he held himself with pride and was always the first to laugh at Arthur telling a joke, Kieran on the other hand was quieter so as not to disturb anyone with his presence, he almost breathed in a silent way to make sure no one could know he was nearby.

“Would you want to sing something for the camp tonight? They get restless when drunk, restless and loud. I’d love to have a trained singer for once and not whatever these guys call singing” Javier chuckled as Arthur rolled his eyes.

“Why, Mister Escuella. I would love to” Your face brightened immensely, a smile wide across your cheeks, this would be the best situation to introduce yourself to the gang members and show them what you could do. What if they think you’re showing off? They’ll think you’re above them. They’ll hate you.

Arthur stared at you in awe, his mouth turning to a small smile, pride filling his eyes when he looked at this amazing woman so giddy, so ready to show yourself to his family. “You’ll do great (Y/N)” He gave you a reassuring look as you stood up to follow Javier.

“It was lovely meeting you Kieran” You gave Kieran a smile, looking him directly in the eyes to show him you meant it.

“Oh, th-thank you Miss (Y/LN)” He looked surprised, maybe he thought you’d forget about him like everyone seemingly does.

As you followed Javier and Arthur to the main fire where Sean ,Hosea, and other gang members had convened you swallowed hard. 

Please god let them like me.

[dcathwithoutglory-blog]

it’s jay. again. my browser just crashed. so i’m just gonna copy and paste my old intro. there’s no time to try and make it better. rip !

⌊ priyanka chopra, cis woman, antigone ⌉ ⏀ have you spoken to ALEXANDRA “ALEXA” MEHRA recently? the THIRTY-FOUR year old who’s been in seneca for SEVEN YEARS or so? either way, they always seem to remind me of FLOWERS PLACED ON A GRAVE, A RUSTY COMPASS, STORMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT whenever i see them on main street. on a good day they’re pretty MORALISTIC, but they can also be RESISTANT. ⌊ jay, 19. est, she/her ⌉

the story of antigone that y’all probs already know but jic.

triggers: brief implication of incest but like wbk, brief mention of suicide, death, creon bein a bitch

brief overview of antigone (character + eponymous story):

antigone was born to oedipus and jocasta.

we all know what happened there. after that, oedipus was like “see no evil feel no evil” and jocasta yeet’d out of living.

her brothers went to war against each other. when creon ascended to the throne, he allowed burial for eteocles with honors, but was like “lmao if u bury polyneices i will kill u”

but antigone was like ‘lmao SURE JAN’ and tried to convince ismene, her sister, to help her bury polyneices. ismene was like ‘ok that’s a rly bad idea like good luck but count me out tbh.’

antigone is rly bad at digging graves tho so polyneices’s body was found and creon was like ‘oh my GOD’ and she’s like ‘fuck the government viva la morality!’

then creon was like ‘ok anyway rmr when i said u wld die if u buried polyneices so ig now u have to be buried alive in a tomb’ then antigone was like ‘actually i’ll be hanging myself before u can do fuck the government’

then he was like ‘at least u’ll be dead! oh wait -

Y’ALL GO SAVE EVERYONE’ but then it was too late

antigone and his son had both killed themselves and everyone, including himself, were just like

“get WREKT creon!!!!!”

alexa ( play despacito ).

triggers: suicide (x2), death (x3), mental illness implications, war, brief mentions of torture and murder

ok now onto alexandra ! so, like i did for valda, i looked up names that shared the same meaning as ‘antigone’ (which essentially means “against”) and one of the suggestions was alexa but i also wanted it to sound. super valiant. but at the same time. i wanted it to be something that could have a conversational nickname. so im already hc’ing that she has ‘despacito’ saved on her phone. also alexandra is my middle name so like?? stan list?? OK ANYWAY.

alright, so alexandra was born to a very upper-class family. her father was a politician and her mother was a successful lawyer. they provided well for the perfect nuclear family –– two sons, two daughters, a golden retriever, two cats in the yard life used to be so hard now everything is easy cause of-

like... her early life, say birth to age 14, was... nice. actually normal and nice. have i ever done that before? has my own edgelord ass ever done that before? i don’t think so.

which is why things obviously took a turn for the worse

but yeah. when she was 14, she was like “hey mom idk how to do pre-algebra” (a mood) but there was no response from her mom. so shrug city, you know? she just went to her older sister instead. but like... so much time passed.... and nothing....

finally, this nosy bitch decided to be like “ok i’m gonna go see what tf she’s doing” and that was just... a terrible idea. instead of finding her mom doing her nails or talking on the phone or any number of reasons she may not have come out yet, she found her mother hanging from the ceiling fan.

she tried to get her brothers’ and sister’s help, and they tried so desperately to help (you know, while also calling 911 and their father), but it was to absolutely no avail.

after this hella traumatizing experience, the children grew closer as the father grew farther.

he began getting lost in his own mind, sometimes accidentally mixing the past with the present, a la willy loman style. he would hold slight conversations with their ‘mother’ while at the table, then began holding them with various others from the past. it was pretty clear that his mind had just been looking for an excuse to snap, and the death of his wife had been the perfect scapegoat.

although it had originally just affected him in his home life, he began holding said conversations in the presence of people outside his family.

this is not good for a politician.

i mean it’s not good for anyone but...

his support immediately began dropping. his team gradually left him, finding there was no way he would ever be able to gain another victory if he kept on living in a limbo between the past and the present. given that he’d started ‘talking to his brother’ during one of his speeches... 

rest in peace to his career.

alexa (play despacito) was 18 at the time, her sister - 20, one of her brothers - 21, the other - 24.

they were all legal adults! some of them had even moved out! so their father figured his next move would not affect him in the way their mother’s death had!

so he shot himself.

the only people who showed up at his funeral were alexa and her sister. her eldest brother proclaimed that flying across the country would be too much of a hassle for that, and the other brother simply did not respond.

her eldest brother did, however, enlist in the army after setting legalities in place that would allow him to send money back to his siblings. he had joined simply because it was an easy opportunity (what with all of the propaganda), but his decision prompted the other brother to do the same –– this time because he was talented at ‘the art of fighting.’

and bc more money but like... get wrekt.

alexa’s sister dropped out of college to work a full-time job –– one that paid fairly handsomely. alexa took some odd jobs.

aka, everyone was trying to make money.

creon was right when he said “money! nothing worse”

so things kind of dipped when the eldest brother was killed. after an accusation that he’d become a traitor, their other brother had taken it upon himself to ‘anonymously’ torture and shoot him. but the other side did it!

which everyone knew was a lie.

because of the accusations, he was not only not allowed a military funeral, he was also not meant to be buried in any honorable fashion. instead, his body was returned to his hometown to be buried there following a quiet and uneventful funeral.

his grave was left unmarked.

nonetheless, the grave was visited every day, new flowers laid atop.

meanwhile, their other brother was considered a newfound military icon. he’d gotten rid of a ‘traitor’ (they continued to pretend it was someone from the other side, of course), he’d killed many an enemy, he’d done this and that and this and that and it all made him look so morally grey to alexa and her sister (who, granted, had yet to find out he’d killed their other brother), but like such a white knight to his fellow soldiers.

he truly rose in the ranks. it was what he was meant to do.

but the more he killed, the more he tortured, the lack of grief towards his brother’s death...

alexa’s sister wasn’t buying her hypothesis. it wasn’t necessarily because she saw their other brother was some pure being, but because she simply didn’t believe he was capable of that.

the next time alexa saw her brother, she got confirmation enough. what to do with the information, she wasn’t sure, but she knew she had to do something...

murder wasn’t the solution... she didn’t have any military connections that would allow for her to spout some lie about why he needed to be dishonorably discharged... but what he did couldn’t skate by...

to this day, she is still wondering what she can do to fuck him over. his success in the military keeps growing grander and grander, thus rendering any fake dishonorable discharge excuses completely moot. her sister still doesn’t believe that there really is a solution –– that, while it is greatly harmful, there’s absolutely nothing they can do and ruminating on it is worthless –– trying to find some quest to defeat their own brother is absurd.

although she has since moved to seneca, attracted to its small town appeal, she continues to visit her eldest brother’s grave every week –– it’s about a two hour drive, so it’s worth it.

she’s taken up work as a cemetery caretaker

because of COURSE she would.

and, although its pay is.... lousy, she’s been making due. for the tombstones no one visits any longer, first she’ll look them up to make sure they weren’t slave-owners or anything, she’ll bring them their own flowers. the dead deserve just as much respect as the living, hm?

personality.

i just realized i didn’t do this for valda (aka, i’m about to update her intro with it), but a total enneagram type 2.

too empathetic for her own good, too ‘this person whom i do not even know deserves flowers’ for her own good, too ‘i’ve got to protect _______ by doing _________’ for her own good

a capricorn

so driven by her own moral compass, she does not CARE about anything that says she has to go against it

her moral compass can be super faulty sometimes tho

pretty quick to make assumptions tbh, but has so far been right abt most of them.

so also driven by gut feelings ig

dramatic tbh. i mean she’s the adapted version of a character whose first lines contained “there's nothing, no pain—our lives are pain” SO.

also p independent (as in i said valda was independent), but her vendetta isn’t against men in general, rather just her brother who is still alive

so like,,, that said,,, holds grudges.

im bad at personality sections!! as has been stated before!! but i think the gist has been gotten across!!

wanted connections.

so rn i only have one specific one which is her sister and can be found on the wc page

will come up w/ unique ones later but until then open 2 hearing urs/brainstorming!

tl;dr.

(refer to triggers listed before the bullets.) a lot of death? like mom kills herself then dad turns into willy loman then dad kills himself. brothers both join the army. one brother kills the other brother for being accused of being a ‘traitor.’ said brother doesn’t get a proper funeral and his headstone is unmarked. the other brother rises in the rankings and alexa knows what happened. convinced her sister of it, but her sister is more logical and let her know that she was very angry too, but making her entire life about it would do nothing but endanger herself and others. moved to seneca because she liked the small town feel. still visits her eldest brother’s grave every week to leave flowers. works as a cemetery caretaker bc WHY NOT. brings flowers to graves that are either unmarked or no longer visited. i hope you read all of that and just thought ‘oh my god fckin EDGELORD’ because you’re right.

alright ! fin.

like this or hmu if you’d like to plot !

[yllucsanad]

14 and 15 from the x files asks 😊

14. Favorite episode(s)? Why?

ok you didnt ask for nearly this much but ive always wanted to make this list anyways so here ya go!!

1x01 Pilot: I mean,,,, does this even need an explanation? 

1x03 Squeeze: amazing MOTW, “do you think i’m spooky?”, “it seems you were acting very territorial” “of course i was” this is episode thREE PEOPLE, the gray/green alien conversation lmaoooo

1x24 The Erlenmeyer Flask: rip deep throat, iconic “trust no one”, the alien plot seriously begins the thicken here

2x01 Little Green Men: they have a secret meeting how cute, Mulder recording everything for Scully um hello someone is in love

2x08 One Breath: Mulder TEARING apart the hospital and screaming at people for Scully, coma hand holding and crying in his apartment, the return of her necklace, “mulder? i had the strengths of your beliefs” 

2x13 Irresistible: like obviously donnie pfaster makes me uncomf but the way mulder tips up scully’s chin and makes her look at him and then she breaks down and FINALLY lets mulder see her as something besides hard as a rock

2x17 End Game: Scully taking charge and saving Mulder’s life, Mulder trading “Samantha” for Scully

3x04 Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose: this episode is very funny and i appreciate that in this dark x files universe, QUEEQUEG, “how do i die?” “you don’t”, “autoerotic asphyxiation” 

3x13 Syzygy: “sure fine whatever”, jealous scully, cigarette smoking scully, “shut up mulder”

3x17 Pusher: this ep is simply amazing in every way and we all know it

3x22 Quagmire: mulder hating the dog for no reason, RIP queequeg, the conversation on the rock

4x03 Home: this episode is gory and cool, the conversation on the bench, scully making noises to try to get the sheep to move lmao, mulder playing with the baseball and the tv and being sad that elvis died, and im a sucker for kevlar 

4x13 Never Again: Iconic is all i need to say

4x14 Memento Mori: yeah the cancer arc sucks and all but the msr is soo good in this like i can never get over it, the flowers

4x20 Small Potatoes: a great light hearted episode in which scully and “mulder” almost KISS

4x22 Elegy: this episode makes my list because it is so raw and emotional, because mulder gives scully no personal space ever, the bowling scene. scully’s session with the therapist

5x01/02 Redux & Redux II: “keep going fbi woman”, mulder never ceasing to cry about scully, “one sorry son of a bitch speaking”, all the kisses, the hand holding, mulder coming back “from the dead” because he had to see scully, the smile when he tells skinner her cancer is in remission

5x04 Detour: “kill me now”, the wine and cheese (poor scully she really tried), “i dont wanna wrestle”, “maybe if i rains sleeping bags you’ll get lucky”

5x05 The Post-Modern Prometheus: a happy motw ep is always great, b&w, the humor in this one is just golden, the dancing scene of course

5x10 Chinga: mulder without scully lmaooo, “marry me”, the pencils lmao

5x12 Bad Blood: do i even need to explain my love for this one?

5x19 Folie a Deux: a lot of people dont like this ep for some reason but i do, mulders split lip is Hawt, “one in five billion”, “folie a deux. a madness shared by two”

5x20 The End: fuck diana BUT uh, pic of mulder and scully hanging in the office, gibson impressing the fuck outta everyone, gibson exposing mulder about diana and scully, mulder fuckin up spender, the way scully holds mulder after the office fire

6x03 Triangle: the filming is so beautifully done, i love a good irl AU, the KISS i could write ESSAYS about this kiss, “i love you”

6x06 How the Ghosts Stole Christmas: mulder literally steals scully’s keys so she cant leave, they LITERALLY kill each other and then go exchange gifts after they said they wouldnt get each other anything i mean CMON

6x08 The Rain King: everyone assuming mulder and scully are a couple, “i do not gaze at scully”, scully’s speech to sheils

6x14 Monday: i just really really like this episode for some odd reason i cant put my finger on

6x15 Arcadia: again, another episode that i don’t feel the need to explain why i love it lol

6x18 Milagro: scully being fascinated by this guy, mulder being possessive jealous and worrisome, the hug when scully doesnt die, scully grabbing mulders arm, “in my book I’ve written that agent scully falls in love. but that’s obviously impossible. agent scully is already in love.”

6x19 The Unnatural: the ice cream thing, the ripping of the document, i do enjoy the story, fuckin mulder and his baseball obsession, the Scene (you know the one) hips before hands OO baby

6x21 Field Trip: a very cool episode, mulder telling scully that he ends up being right like 98.9% of the time and shes like o fuck, she thinks mulder is dead :’(, they literally trip together, the hand hold at the end

7x06 The Goldberg Variation: lots of good ol flirting, i enjoy the case, the sink lmaoooo, “i like baseball too”

7x14 Theef: “i’ll always keep you guessing”, mulder saving scully by pulling the pins out of the eyes, 

7x16 Chimera: “do you have a significant other?” “not in the widely understand definition of that term”, “mulder when you find me dead, my desiccated corpse propped up, staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting in the gutter, just know that my last thoughts were of you, and how i’d like to kill you” “i’m sorry who is this”, and also mulder just being really great at his job seriously turns me on

7x17 all things: must i explain?

7x19 Hollywood A.D.: a Classic, scully showing tea leoni how to run i heels, mulder packs it to the left, skinman, bubble baths, the laughing and the hand holding at the end i am DECEASED

7x21 Je Souhaite: i def like the case in this one, scully’s entrance to the office in the beginning (hmm someones suspiciously happy), scully and her invisible body lol, mulders wish was fantastic, the whole last scene as well as “well i’m fairly happy. that’s something” atths ya know

7x22 Requiem: ok like even though its depressing as fuck in end i love this ep, scully visibly turned on by the fact that mulder assaulted someone, “let’s go waste some money”, “we could start sharing rooms”, mulder holding scully when she faints in the woods, mulder watching scully with the baby, the whole bed scene, the HUG cause mulder couldnt live without her if something happened, PERGNANt

and as far as season 8 goes….. every episode besides the ones with mulder are meh and lets pretend 9 didnt happen except i guess The Truth was good considering the circumstances

and i aint gon get into the revival ho boy

15. Favorite MSR moments?

most of them are listed above but other than those:

in firewalker when mulder holds scully’s face

when scully puts herself in contempt of court for mulder and then the HUG

BBQ SAUCE

in die hand when mulder rolls himself over scully when shots are firing

all the comfort and care in end game

they way scully cares for mulder when his father and mother die

haha mulders reaction when scully identifies the plane at the bottom of the water

the lace thing, the china pattern thing

scullys concern for mulder in paper hearts and the hug

mulders memoization of scully’s senior thesis

mulder showing off athletically for scully, scully enjoying it

in pine bluff variant when scully recognizes mulder by his bandaged fingers

in dreamland when scully says she would kiss mulder if he wasnt so ugly and the exchange of the sunflower seeds, also mulder knows her breakfast

jealous scully in alpha

the touchstone conversation

the millennium kiss

everytime mulder calls scully dana (beyond the sea, lazarus, the field where i died, trust no 1)

in tooms the first and only time scully calls mulder fox (i know he doesnt really like it but i still wish they did it again because it carries a big weight)

the decontamination shower

when scully cares for mulder when he is in shock

when scully shoots mulder and tends to his wound later

and we musnt forget fight the future and i want to believe

[imadethisatage11]

Live-blogging my reaction to Spiral: from the book of saw

Spoilers under the cut

TL;DR: my overall review is that it was good but I’m going to go watch DPS to cleanse me

- ok so that woman got robbed and for what

- I had to pause to find out who this detective’s actor was Bc it was driving me nuts and it’s MCMURRAY FROM LETTERKENNY???

- love that they’re gonna fuck up this train conductors day lmao

- LOVE genuinely that we’re back to looking gritty and having an old tv play the video and having some rapid cut camera work early 2000’s vibes I embrace you

- why does the voice sound like that,, I wasn’t expecting John but why is it so non threatening now it’s literally just Some Guy™️

- I am glad I paid $15 to listen to Chris Rock talk about Forrest Gump. Worth my money and I mean it genuinely I love Chris Rock he’s great. Stream Everybody Hates Chris on Hulu

- “Z?” Zeke who just had his cover blown: this MF

- “do I look like a fucking Jamaican nanny?!” I- 😀🤚🏽

- ayo Max Minghella

- Chris Rock falling just short of being convincingly aggressively cynical Bc he is Chris Rock with the voice of Chris Rock

- it sounds like he’s setting up jokes that don’t have punchlines and instead they’re just like,, mediocre cynic cop dialogue

- while looking at some pretty fucking intact teeth: this bum is gonna be pretty hard to ID

- I mean I guess the homeless don’t have dental records but were you not even gonna try?

- I’m very pleased Chris Rock put on gloves before handling the strange package I love actually smart character choices that would make sense for them to make

- I.e. the cop knows how to properly handle unexpected unmarked packages delivered to the precinct

- “I thought the jigsaw killer was dead” “well if it’s another copy cat…” another wait is that referring to Logan (which Logan pinned on the other coincidentally crooked cop whose name I’ve forgotten) does that imply Logan only did like? The one trap? And hasn’t been active? Just waited ten years after John died recreates the one trap he was in and then stops?? I mean don’t get me wrong if movie wants to ignore Jigsaw (2017)’s existence I’m game but like what

- also why do the packages look like they’re wrapped in Tiffany boxes lmao

- oh yay they did run dental

- Chris Rock is an asshole but they should go with protocol if that’s what they’re doing

- ordering a man mid piss out of the men’s room to yell at Zeke

- does conflict of interest matter when the whole precinct knows the victim?

- uncomfortable stand-offs with your ex while at the home of a grieving friend

- Samuel L Jackson!

- “I could’ve killed you!” “What are you talking about, I have the gun!” *SLJ pulls a gun out* “I could’ve killed you”

- daddy issues

- “you think this is linked to John Kramer?” Bruh you think it’s NOT??

- ik this is SO far fetched but I rlly hope this movie tells us wtf happened to Dr Gordon. I’m sure it won’t but a girl can dream

- “should we tell Zeke?” “Fuck him” I get you guys don’t like to work w him Bc he’s an ass but like. You’re just not doing your jobs now you’re just proving he’s right that you’re untrustworthy

- splitting up and not telling ppl where you’re going is the number one way to get kidnapped or murdered but way to go cop instincts

- what is this Chinese finger trap ass shit

- love the blue tones tho very Saw

- all it needs is to become uncomfortably green

- fun fact I actually watched the first saw w my friend who is red green color blind and he said it looked AWFUL and I was like oh yeah everything is blue tinted like twilight blue tint and later it’s green just FYI (he thought that made significantly more sense than whatever shit ass color palette he was perceiving)

- being mad at your son for turning in a dirty cop Bc now you’ll have to mess with internal affairs

- and then assaulting someone??? SLJ is an even worse asshole lmao

- another Tiffany box bound in twine maybe it’ll be one of those cheesy diamond heart necklaces

- HELLO what is that ugly ass pig puppet

- also the voice is so stilted did the killer use fuckin text to speech so they couldn’t unscramble the voice like they did to Hoffman?

- cops finding dead pigs, a little on the nose

- oh so this dude has a history of “fuck it” ok well screw that guy then

- SLJ deserves to be pissed at that cop for letting Zeke get shot but like what an unhinged man he threatened to kill him and then actually assaulted him HOW did he EVER get in charge to begin with

- ok wait is Zeke actually the only decent cop (inc his dad but maybe excluding the newbie)

- that is a truly gruesome way to lose fingers tho I must say but he deserves that shit

- wait did the trap not go fast enough or was there a way for him to do that faster and I missed it

- like should he not have hesitated Bc there was a time limit or was it just rigged

- cuz the machine had to pull them off he couldn’t just cut them quickly

- so are they just gonna leave broken leg Dude there or

- also just now I tried to talk abt this movie (so far) vs Jigsaw (2017) to my mom and I got too excited and referenced some character names she didn’t know and she shut me down and said she didn’t care 😀

- live-blogging to my, like, five followers that compromise one one (1) person that knows me IRL, one (1) Sawtual, and a handful of ppl only here for my main DPS content to fill the void of emotional parental neglect. What a great website

- oh no did the rookie die :( he was actually sweet

- I feel like he was too important to kill offscreen tho

- like they’re TELLING us he .. was skinned.. but was he REALLY

- Chris Rock having a revelation: AH FUCK

- everyone else at the crime scene: ….

- favorite thing abt movies that were already gonna be rated R is when they’re like “well if we’re already at R we might as well say fuck”

- she has to SEVER HER SPINAL CORD? Why was she deemed the biggest asshole

- also how on earth was this trap portable it IS in their basement right

- transporting the hot wax is just what gets me

- Chris Rock rn: are you tired of being nice? Don’t you just wanna go apeshit?

- was this abt his dad the whole time???

- does it count as live blogging when I do one big post instead of several small ones lol I just want it to be avoidable for ppl who are just here for Dead Poets Society

- man’s fully abt to cut his arm off like barely even hesitated long enough to notice the bobby pin he could pick the lock with

- there’s a body here suspended

- not hanging mind you

- but covered and suspended

- and I bet it’s the newbie

- ah damn it’s Pete that’s disappointing

- it’s possible the trailers just made him seem more important than he was

- why are they punishing Zeke for reporting a dirty cop and having his career accordingly ruined like he did the right thing and already suffered for it? This killer doesn’t like crooked cops?? Why does Zeke have to be tortured by hearing this dude die like that’s what they want isn’t it?

- I think it’s too late pal

- the glass trap was pretty fucking cool though

- I KNEW HE WAS ALIVE

- I didn’t think he was a MURDERER but I KNEW he was alive

- OH SHIT THE DIRTY COP ZEKE TURNED IN KILLED NEWBIE’S DAD??

- I’m terrible at guessing endings but it makes viewing more fun

- honestly,, do it Chris Rock ACAB

- “you want me to kill cops?” “No, fuck no, just the bad ones”

- what a fun villain though

- I have no idea what the Ultimate Game Plan™️ is here though is he gonna make him kill his dad? I mean his dad does suck but making a dude KILL his DAD? That is a tall order Max Minghella

- ok but literally why wouldn’t you listen to him here shoot the target??

- ANGIE! It WaS aNgIe

- killing this man is not correct justice anyway Zeke

- shot the target! Good man

- groovy of them to play the Hello Zepp soundtrack rn

- oh shit what’s going on SLJ knows what it is

- oh.. w o w. Brutal way to go. Very heavy handed imagery

- and that’s all I guess who the fuck knows what’s up w Doctor Gordon

- and I guess Max Minghella is just gonna get away now but tbh Chris Rock only seemed truly mad at him for involving his dad

- nice rap remix to the OG Hello Zepp score very cool credits music

[starryseo]

youtuber!felix

only 2 more left after this

im sad

also,,, warning,, a bit of swearing in this oneeee

Chan | Woojin | Minho | Changbin | Hyunjin | Jisung | FELIX | Seungmin | Jeongin

without further ado

lee yongbok felix!!!!!!!!!! idk a yongbok

ok so felix totally watches buzzfeed unsolved

im sorry i was watching that b4 writing this

and he unironically quotes the guys on there

refers to the rest of the sk guys as demons bc he’s always saying “hey demons, it’s me… ya boi” #GottaLoveShane’sSkepticAss

does a lot of research into the haunted/ paranormal stuff and has dragged hyunjin on his hunt for haunted places

kinda hard to find some places bc they’re barricaded and he doesn’t wanna break the law by breaking in :’))

plus his parents would probably not let him stay overnight at a haunted place

but he tries his best to go during the day to, like, a haunted house or something

along with being a supernatural fanatic

he makes videos on conspiracy theories

all. the. time.

deffo the type to cover his laptop/ desktop camera bc the government are watching lmfao i do this too

also deffo believes in shit like the illuminati and men in black i doooo

in some of his videos you can see his room

he’s sooo got pictures, newspaper articles and shiz like that on his wall

and the typical red string tying different pictures and articles together

he’s,,,, really,,,,,, into this kinda stuff

alongside that

he’s obviously into memes

so in his videos he’ll have trashy Comic Sans comments

y’know how WillNE used to have in his videos? like that.

is also really into those theories relating the disney princesses together bc damn those are actually cool

[cyanide voice] DID YOU KNOW… elsa & anna’s parents are also tarzan’s parents????? [just a theory bUT IT MAKES SENSE OKAY]

y’know those parkour videos i keep mentioning

bringing it back real quick

one time felix was skateboarding by some lil’ lake

and he tried doing a trick but he almost fell in

and he let out the most girly scream ever and changbin was dYING

thankfully he didn’t fall in,,,,

but then he tried it again and he fell half in and changbin lost it. he. could. not. stop. laughing.

felix was just like “bro <\3″

even jisung was laughing,,, he almost dropped the camera,,, but luckily he didn’t and he managed to get felix’s scream recorded

felix actually wasn’t too mad about that

he made a meme out of it?? like why???

y’know that one meme that uses Bag Raiders - Shooting Stars as background music [the song fyi - if you dont know what im talking about; use earplugs & low volume!!! there is swearing after the 1st so watch out]

and he managed to cut a picture (of himself) from jisung’s video as he was falling

and he moves it so he’s falling through loads of different things and ends up falling through space that escalated quickly

that was a crappy explanation but watch that video and you should understand

so yeah

he’s a bit crazy :)

it’s ok tho bc he’s funny

he also does vlogs

you can imagine how active and crazy he is in those

& he’s literally always screaming in those

someone get him to chill pls

he and chan will speak english and use australian slang in the vlogs

and 1) comments overflow with how cool they sound

but 2) the other guys just go ughhhhh and start speaking korean really fast so they cant understand - or, well, felix mainly, can’t understand

or c) they’ll chat shit about chan and felix slowly so they understand and are like hey ://

it’s all banter dw

he watched jisung’s make-up w/ my minho thing right

and tried doing that too

but with changbin

obviously he didn’t tell changbin what he was gonna do

but when changbin got there

and felix got him to sit at the table rather than where his game console was he was suspicious

when felix came out of his room with make-up

you bet your butt changbin got outta that chair and ran

felix was just like “wow… i got jisung’s make-up and everything and he up and left :(((”

that didn’t stop him tho lmao

he had already set up a camera to record in that room

so he just got that camera, put it on the table

and recorded himself doing his own make-up

it was going decently until he got the eyeliner

and started doing it around his eyes

and then he found inspiration in Big Daddy’s (from Kick Ass) eye make-up [fyi]

yeah after that he kinda just fcked up his own face

but he was so proud of it

bless

he took a pic of himself and sent it to the sk group chat like “this is what you missed out on, binnie”

changbin: so not much then, yh?

felix: im breaking up w/ u

changbin: finally

as revenge for that bad changlix break-up

he gathered the ‘00 line [SQUAD ROLL OUTTTTTTT]

and they planned to get revenge on changbin

so on a saturday when they knew changbin was gonna be sleeping till like midday

(because he was up all night gaming the idiot)

they came to his house early

and got the make-up kit ready lmfao

seungmin held the camera

whilst hyunjin blended like 5 different shades of lipstick

jisung put concealer, blush and bronzer on him (God knows how some ended up in his hair but whatever)

and felix did the eyeshadow and eyeliner

just to feel a little rebellious

jisung let seungmin do the highlight

omg bad boy!seugming im deadddd

but then jisung accidentally sneezed and everyone was like SHIT and froze

they waited like 5 seconds until they heard changbin mumble “what the fuck…”

and then his eyes opened

and he was like “what the hell are you guys doing here?”

and hyunjin just smilled, discreetly hiding the lipstick he was currently holding behind his back

“ah,, we just came over to wake you up!!”

changbin was having none of that shit and he was like

changbin: “why is seungmin holding a camera then?? and jisung’s literally got something in his hand”

changbin: “jisung,,,,, is that… make-up?? you fcking did not”

felix: “RUN!!!!!!!!”

seungmin managed to get a clear shot of changbin’s pissed off face before they goT THE HELL OUTTA THEREEEEEEE

changbin flew straight up and chased them 

but unfortunately they got outta the house just in time

and he wasn’t about to dash out of his house in his pj’s

imagine if seungmin had forgotten to actually start the video holy shittt lmfao

he remembered dw

anyways they got back to felix’s house and he immediately started editing the video

he managed to get a picture of changbin’s final pissed off face before they ran

he sent that to the group chat

and all the guys made that their youtube profile pictures it was HILARIOUS

whilst i’m on the topic of ‘00 line

they have killer gaming matches

and felix lives to troll people

he doesn’t limit himself to just annoying the other ‘00 guys

nah that’s too basic

he’ll troll anyone on his team

he’s blocked so many people from getting through doors

or blocked them in one corner

and he can sometimes hear them swearing and shouting to move the fck away dude!!!

and he deadass just laughs over the mic

he’s gotten a lot of people killed that way 

(including himself lmao)

he still somehow managed to not be last on the scoreboard??

he plays really well actually

but he never misses an opportunity to troll

he gets a lot of hate messages from people online like “dude wtf why’d you do that”

and he’s just like “y not bro <3″

so yeah

although he loves trolling and annoying as many people as he can

he loves the sk guys

and he’d do anything for them

he can get real cheesy at times

making edits of them all dramatically falling in love with him

like he cut a clip of woojin saying “i love merigues!” and “felix keeps messaging me, should i just block him” from his cooking videos

and merged them to get “i love felix!”

and then he played that behind a clip of woojin just talking into the camera so it looked realistic enough

and he sent that to the group chat like “changbin wHO? i only know a kim woojin <3 love you bby <3″

everyone knows he edited that but they still mock woojin anyway

and changbin literally just said “good luck with him woojin, he’s insane”

back to the sentimental ending:

he loves the guys & they love his annoying ass too

knows that even tho he annoys them to the extreme a lot

he can trust them and they’ll help him with whatever

they’re like his home away from home and he loves it so much

his desktop picture is a rlly cute pic of them all together, completely unedited and unfelixified

he loves it

whoa that was long. 2?? updates in a day?? damn im on a roll :)) 

i got a coupla requests for boyfriend texts w/ some stray kids members

like damn after this,,, a,,, bf stray kids thing??? idkkkkkk ?????????? so many series, so little timeeee

anyways thanks 4 reading :) <3

[nobloodneeded]

On the previous subject of knowing who I am and what I want...

I know from here out I’m going to be ethically non-monogamous. I tried monogamy and it’s not for me. I knew it wasn’t, but I thought I would grow into it if I just squished myself in that box hard enough. I’m too communal and compartmental to be with ONE person and ONE person only. Being monogamous, I made sure to be exceptionally loyal and respectful of boundaries to my own detriment. When I was in a relationship, I distanced myself from my friends physically because I didn’t want the lines of intimacy (platonic, as it was even) to be blurred for my romantic partner’s comfort. But, I love being cuddly and snuggly and lovey with my friends. So even if I end up just having a singular partner in the future, I still need them to accept that I will be platonically intimate with my friends or other people. 

I know from here out I’m going to primarily date a-spec people. For years, I have said that I hate how kissing and cuddling (especially with cis men) a l w a y s led to sex. I would love to just kiss and cuddle with no PRESSURE for sex. Every single time it led to sex I would submit because 1) it was easier than saying no (which, gross in hindsight and is definitely a trauma I am healing from), 2) it was to please my partner, which I absolutely loved doing for their sake when I was bonded with them, and 3) just to get it done and get back to the part I actually liked which was the platonic/sensual intimacy.

Hell, over 90% of my sexual fantasies my whole life went like: kissing, caressing, foreplay and right as the sex was about to happen, the person in my fantasy would say “Hey. Can we just cuddle instead?” and dream-me would go “Heck yeah!” (which, god the fact that I didn’t realize I was demi sooner is laughable and very in line with how stupid I’ve been about my identities my entire life). 2% of the time I would have sexual fantasies involving me to completion and the remaining 8% of the time the sexual fantasies were of two fictional characters and I wasn’t even involved lmao. I straight up care more about my fictional otps banging than I ever have me. 

Because of how much sex is glorified and emphasized in this country growing up, and how intrinsically linked to romance it was, I assumed I wanted it more than I did. But sex, I realize, is almost a non-point for me in terms of a romantic partner. I do still feel sexual desires, but it’s usually aimless with no target unless i have that emotional bond with someone. Even then, my libido is like a sleeper agent and strikes randomly and infrequently and hell, I've always preferred to take care of it myself. Almost every sexual encounter I’ve had, 80% of the time I could not have cared less about having sex and I always told them, “Hey! Seriously, don’t worry about making me cum, I just want you to feel good! Getting you off gets me off!” I meant it, too. When I was bonded with a person, it thrilled me to get them off. Seeing the rapture on their face stroked my ego and made me feel accomplished and good to have made them feel so good. Taking that apart, though, made me realize that it wasn’t the sex that I cared about - that was just the means to a happy end - it was their happiness.

I was talking to my friend Rody last night at length about it and she mentioned an ace friend of hers who said that sex for her was like an amusement park. Do you want to go on a rollercoaster every day? No. But if you were offered to go one weekend, you probably would and there might even be a ride you really enjoyed going on to even do it again. 

That is exactly how I feel. In fact, for years, I’ve said sex is like having my back scratched. If offered, sure, I’ll take you up on it even if you’re not getting the right spot, it’s just kind of nice to be touched. Some people do it alright, but some people have the perfect nails that make me melt and wish it never stopped. Overall, I can take it or leave it, though. 

Bearing that in mind - and having dated very sexually active people - I know from here out I’ll feel more comfortable with fellow aspec people because of an inherent understanding and lack of sexual pressure.

I know from here out I won’t be dating cis men anymore, that’s for almost 99.9% certainty. Admittedly, a lot of that is trauma based, but also I really don’t think like I said in the other post, that I was ever actually attracted to men. I think it was just gender envy. I do like dicks, but when I think about the man attached to them it’s just sort of...eh? 

I am h e l l a gay, though, and still very attracted to women. Aesthetically, romantically, sensually, even sexually at times. I very much want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, woo, write poetry for, dance, share special moments and looks with women. 

The one caveat with that is I’m too scared to ever shoot my shot with a woman. I’m a “shy/sensitive top” lmao. My friends have actually made fun of me for that very thing. One day we were deciding what to eat for dinner and we were all being indecisive. One of my friends called me out and said, “We’re a room full of bottoms and you’re the top, you pick!” I abstained from deciding to be polite and go for what they wanted, so I wanted to say in that moment, “Well I’m a pleasure top so it’s my job to make sure my bottoms are taken care of first” but thought it might be too inappropriate, accurate though it may be lmao.

That all being said, I won’t ever initiate any of those things I said I want to do unless I know for certain it’s wanted for two reasons. 1) I have an intense fear of rejection thanks to my dad. I outwardly handle rejection really well! I bounce back after a rejection as if it hadn’t happened in the first place with extreme ease and comfort. But internally, I’m basically quaking and bashing my head against the proverbial wall for fear of burdening the other person with my desires and making the situation weird. I feel this way about big things like relationships and little things like asking for water and I really hate that about me. 2) I have been put in uncomfortable situations due to sexual and romantic pressures that I would HATE to inadvertently put someone else in too. I know that in knowing I would never do that and being able to look for and read those cues I probably wouldn’t, but what if I missed them and it happened accidentally? I would never forgive myself.

SO I would rather miss opportunities than shoot my shot. The perk of being demi is straddling that line of allo and asexuality, I suppose. I’m good with sexual experiences, I’m good without them. I really miss romance and platonic, even sensual, intimacy, but not enough to do anything about it on my own. Not shooting my shot will give me plenty of time to heal and grow and spend more time connecting even more with my friends. Which I am more than ok with lol. 

Understanding who I am officially and all that I want is such an immense comfort. From here out I can just...exist in peace and comfort and I’m really happy for myself about that. I no longer have to force myself into a box based on societal preconceptions and what I think I should want. I can just want what I want and be content with what I’ve got.