#someday i will write a romantic kissing scene but today is not that day

[xelasrecords]

Secrets and Sacrifices

Han Jumin x Reader

NSFW

Jumin and you make sacrifices for the RFA. You don't know how much more you can take, but Jumin does not plan to let you out of his sight.

Secret Ending AU where the secrets drag on and relationships are more complicated.

TW: depression, self-harm, controlling behaviour

Words: 2.8k

Masterlist Read on AO3

Your friends are laughing around you. The restaurant lighting has dimmed, and the lambent glow from the candle on the table illuminates their happy faces. All of you are tucked into a padded leather sofa in the corner, the live music playing behind you.

You echo their laughter. It's the appropriate response.

Seven is sharing an outrageous tale, and Yoosung is his enraptured audience, constantly nodding and asking follow-up questions. Zen chides him for believing everything Seven says but still laughs along. Beside you, Jaehee reaches over you and sets the empty plates aside in anticipation of Seven's dramatic gestures.

Jumin is impervious to the racket. He swirls his wine and watches the advertising screen outside the window, the billboard flashing bright in the evening. His grey eyes are glazed, unfocused. He's missing V, you're sure. That's all he does, aside from worrying about you. Waits for V to contact him.

Languidly, you lay your head against the cushion. This should be a pleasant dinner, but there's a damper placed on your emotion valve. You've lost the means to conjure the excitement you once felt. The knowledge of missing them is not the same as feeling it.

You look down at the corduroy skirt that has ridden up to your waist, exposing more than half of your thighs. You dig your nails into them. Five seconds and release. Little scythes are imprinted on your skin. There, a feeling. You swipe your fingers through the indents with dull fascination.

Today is one of the rare days when you are cleared to venture outside without compromising security, but showing up here feels like a farce. You're playing puppet to prove that you're fine before being corralled back to Rika’s sterile shoebox apartment.

Jumin and Seven's dutiful little puppet, that's what you are.

When you glance up, you can feel the weight of Jumin's attention on you, intense gaze shifting from your lap to your neutral face.

You don't feel guilty. He will find out anyway.

You drag your skirt down and straighten your posture, the band sitting around your hips again.

"Is everything well?" Across from you, Jumin's smooth baritone voice rises above the peals of laughter and the increasingly loud music.

The chatter halts as your friends turn to you with a concerned expression.

You crack a smile. "I'm all right. Just tired." Jaehee squeezes your hand, and you pat hers with reassurance. The friendship you foster with this little group is built on thin ice, and long cracks have been crawling across the surface. "Let's go back, I have work tomorrow. So do all of you."

Seven's shrewd eyes flash at you before he grins widely at the others. "Except for Yoosung!" He pokes Yoosung's side, which earns him a light punch on his shoulder.

"A wise decision," Jumin says. "Everyone should get some rest."

"Easy for you to say." Zen glares at him. "I don't think I can sleep a wink tonight. My skin is ruined from all my lost beauty sleep." He sighs and turns to Seven. "Is there no progress on V's secret files?"

Seven pouts and shakes his head. "I'm still trying to break through the encryption walls, but Jumin can give me Elly to boost my motivation!"

Zen instantly sneezes and curses while Jaehee hurries to pass him a napkin.

An agent with a lifetime of diversion training. You hold back a scoff.

Jumin, Seven, and you are only shrouding yourselves with more secrets because you are determined to reach the same goal: Don't let harm come to the RFA. Don't share any information unless it's crucial. Not even Jaehee. Not yet. Let them live in the almost idyllic bubble as long as they can.

For a split second, Jumin seems as if he's about to scold Seven for the deliberate mispronunciation of his cat's name, but he shakes his head and calls for the bill instead.

Jumin has changed. You wonder how much he has to pay in unravelling V's secrets. If selling his peace is worth the members' peace. But you know what answer he would give. It has never been a matter of choosing for him. He will always protect the RFA.

He will always protect you.

Along with the others, you file out of the restaurant through its gilded swinging doors. Jumin immediately arranges their transport home and reminds them to inform their arrival in the chatroom. You pretend not to see Seven exchanging a calculating look with Jumin, his mask briefly slipping. You wait for your turn, but it never comes.

You have anticipated that, though.

Jumin places his hand on your lower back, his dark hair in slight disarray from the wind. You shiver. His touch still has the power to hold you together just as it has the strength to pull you apart. "Driver Kim is already on his way. You won't have to wait for long."

You nod and stare out the parking lot. Surveillance disguised as an act of chivalry. Since Seven stopped trusting V's contingency plans and revealed your address to the members, he and Jumin have worked together to keep you safe as you help them clean up the mess V left behind.

A familiar black car pulls up before you, and Jumin holds the backseat door open. You climb in, greeting Driver Kim before giving him your address. Jumin enters after and sits so close beside you that his trousers brush against your bare leg.

You press your thigh against him a little more.

Jumin gently caresses your knee, but there's a frown on his face. "Your address is already saved in my car navigation. Did you forget that?"

You have honestly forgotten. Thoughts slip around you these days. Try as you may to capture them, it's as if you have to squint through a lattice window to make out the memory fragments and piece them together. You get away with it most of the time, the fact that you struggle to pay attention.

But Jumin always pays too close attention to you.

"I remember now." You shrug.

Jumin isn't inclined to drop the matter. "I have picked you up more than once. If there's any problem with your memories, you should get it checked out. I will arrange a doctor's appointment for you."

"You're blowing things out of proportion."

The car starts to move. Driver Kim has polished his pretence of not hearing your conversation. He taps the radio screen, and a soft murmur floats through the small space.

Jumin's hand on your knee tightens into a grip, but not firm enough to hurt. "You have been forgetting a lot of things."

"Not when they're important," you say. "I won't compromise our mission, so lay off me. I can forget things. I'm human." You huff out a tired sigh. "Don't you have more things to worry about?"

His voice is constricted. "Do not presume other matters are more important than you."

"V?"

He draws his hand into his lap. "Both of you are of equal importance."

You stare out the window, yellow street lamps and glass towers sweeping past you. You're going back to a place that makes you want to scratch your skin loose. Your freedom is restricted to the apartment and wherever an RFA member accompanies you.

"I've watched the romantic drama you recommended," Jumin says after a few moments. "You're right, I did like it. It's curious how the man is always there to catch the woman when she falls. The distance and his human speed should've made it impossible."

At another time, you would have smiled at his endearing fascination and proclivity to pick apart a mystery until he understood it inside out. Now you glance at him without emotion. "Dramas operate by their own logic."

Jumin tries for a smile. "Nevertheless, it was sufficient entertainment to unwind after work. I must thank you for that."

"I'm glad it helped."

He shifts his body towards you. "How would you feel if I attempted to catch you when you fell?"

You purse your lips. "I won't fall around you."

"But if you do?"

You try to ponder over it, but it's like trying to break through rough currents that threaten to swallow you. The effort is exhausting. "You might not be fast enough," you say. "You're not armed with magical drama abilities."

"Then being there with you at all times would solve it." There's a hint of finality in Jumin's tone.

Of course.

You rest your head against the window, the glass cold against your temple. "That sounds impractical."

"It is better than watching the people I love lose themselves because they're too stubborn to ask for help."

Your lips tug up in the tiniest smirk. "Interesting. Han Jumin feels more than me. I never thought this day would come."

You glimpse at him, but he doesn't seem offended. How disappointing. You're right at the centre where his emotions are concentrated. You thought that would have included his anger.

"I would say it's concerning," Jumin says. "I know how that emptiness feels. If what you're experiencing is worse than that—"

"You'll force me to get treatment?"

His hands curl into a fist in his lap. "I'm not fond of coercion, but if you pose a danger to yourself, then I will do what I must."

You can't keep the irritation out of your voice. "Of course. Thank you for caring."

"I always care." Jumin's fingers hover near your cheek, and you think he's going to touch you, and you wait for him to—but he drops it to his side.

"And look how it ruins you."

Jumin dips his chin sharply. The shadow in the car obscures his expression, but you can make out the lines of exhaustion in the corner of his eyes. There is only so much he can put up with before it eats at him, always bracing for tragedy to befall everyone around him.

You're not supposed to be on the list of the people he wants to protect.

"Loving you doesn't ruin me. It's the best emotion I have ever felt." He runs his hand up your arm and pauses at the slope of your shoulder. "So let me care for you. Don't go. Don't go as far as V has."

You can't wrap your head around the driving force behind Jumin's obsession for your survival. You don't even care as much. It probably has something to do with how you can see right through him. He's attached to the validation you can offer him. You make him feel like a person. You're the only one who sees him as he is, now he can't let you go.

"V is your closest friend. He'll come back to you eventually."

"He won't," Jumin states flatly. "Rika is all he sees, and his range of vision has pathetically narrowed. You needn't bother with consolations. I know where my place is on his priority list."

Pressure burgeons within you like a fist thrusting into your ribcage and twisting your lungs. You hold on to the sensation, thankful to still be able to feel certain pains for Jumin. You wind your hand around his tie and press your lips somberly against his. He tastes of matured grapes and sweet memories long gone.

You have loved him until it ruined you too.

Jumin hooks his arm around your waist and pushes you against the car door, his other hand moving around the back of your head to soften the blow. His fingers trace down your ear and jaw before tilting your chin up and deepening the kiss.

His hand slides up the back of your thigh and toys with the lining of your panties. You hitch your leg up, allowing him to slide between you as he presses himself harder against you, his breathing harsh against your parted lips.

You can feel his need for you between your legs and you wish to satiate him, but it's as though your limbs and nerves are molten lead. You can burn him up with a single touch and you do it without feeling anything.

You want him, but the desire is cerebral.

Jumin pauses and pulls away when he notices your lack of fervour. He opens his mouth to apologise, but you grab his arms, feeling the lean muscles beneath the suit, and shake your head.

Not your fault.

He searches your face, then nods. This has happened before.

You don't know how you reached this point. You keep losing things that you can't afford to lose and you're tired of it. Your freedom, your fundamental need for Jumin. You don't know how to protect your senses from atrophying.

He smooths down your crumpled hair and blouse, murmuring, "I had expressed my wish not to be consoled, yet you still went against me."

"This is the only time I don't have to obey you."

Jumin stills. "I am not trying to restrict you."

"So if I ask you to stop monitoring my schedule and chaperoning me, either by yourself or someone you personally approve of, would you?"

He brushes your swollen lips with his thumb. "Can you promise me you won't get yourself killed if I decrease the security?"

"I promise." You straighten his tie to align it with the buttons and trail your fingers up his chest.

Jumin seems to consider it before shaking his head and chuckling. "You're a good liar."

You grip the lapels of his suit. "It's not up to me if the hacker decides to attack me."

"But you won't put up a fight either."

You let your hands fall and avert your gaze to the blur of passing cars behind him.

Jumin sighs. "It's only until we dissolve Mint Eye and you are safe from the threats that brought you here. Perhaps you would be happier and less inclined to throw self-preservation to the wind."

You clench your jaw and dig your nails into your thighs. Your life is getting smaller and smaller each day. There will always be another condition from him as your condition gets worse. Jumin will not stop. As long as the fight against Mint Eye goes on, you will always be under his extreme surveillance.

Jumin means well, you know it. You wouldn't have survived this long if he and Seven didn't force you to.

You carve your nails in with all your strength, clawing until they break your skin, but there's no blood. It's always harder when you mean to do it.

You don't want to be fixed all the time. Sometimes you want to shatter into pieces. Sometimes you feel safer when you're small.

"I can't breathe, Jumin," you say, desperation seeping into your voice.

He flicks his eyes down and wraps his hand around your wrists in an instant. "Stop doing that. Stop hurting yourself."

"This?" You laugh. "It's nothing more than you and Seven have been doing to me. I've always been willing to help you two with your plans, however immoral they are. I'd do them myself even without you. But I never gave you permission to track me like a prisoner."

His gaze turns hard. "You wouldn't let me if I asked."

"I'm the unhappiest I've ever been and you don't even care." You try to pull your hands away, but he won't budge. "You don't want me to be happy."

 "I deeply apologise. I never mean to cause you pain." His face contorts with guilt. "Please hold on a little longer. It will be over soon. V will provide us with an explanation, and things will return to how they were."

"You're naïve if you think it's that easy. This is not your drama with a fairytale happy ending."

"If I don't harbour hope in everyone's stead, what chance do we have in surviving?" Jumin says, and lets out a ragged breath. "We will get through this catastrophe. You can depend on me if you can't find the strength to go on. Just—stay with me. Do not leave."

You think you should cry. You can feel an emotion bubbling, blistering but never quite reaching its boiling point. It's frustrating. Breaking down under pressure is one of the most human things to do, yet the most you can muster is observational agitation.

Love changes things. He loves you and you're paying the price for it. 

You look at him with deadened eyes. "You have never made leaving possible, Jumin."

"Good," Jumin says, his voice terse. He doesn't let go of your wrists.

You sink into your seat, deep into the corner where the lights do not reach. There is a kind of loneliness that has grown into a corporeal shadow inside the cavity of you.

You yearn to make its existence known to someone.

You have no one to tell.

-

Footnotes:

I couldn't flesh these out due to fic length, but I want to get them out there anyway: 1) Reader isn't in therapy because Jumin and Seven aren't well-versed in mental health and Jumin thinks he's enough to fix her for now. She just doesn't care. 2) Jaehee is excluded from the secret subgroup because reader takes over her role in task execution and more.

I... didn't mean to write a dark Jumin or include canon plot elements. I feel like my fics lately are a "how dark can I make this" challenge. The initial idea was just Jumin being there for a lonely reader and it'd be wholesome and comforting, but it got worse through each draft. It had been satisfying to write.

I'd hoped my first fic with the big cast would be one where everyone's personalities are prominent, but apparently, I had to write it from a depressed reader's POV so everything is warped and muted instead. Maybe next time.

There's a paragraph that I reworked from my now inactive IG writing account c: I guess it's not plagiarism if you're copying yourself?

I like it when my MCs are a lil manipulative xoxo

The header concept is Jumin's obsessive surveillance, shown through the clear box tracking his eyes while the rest is blurred, and the toxic intimacy of how Jumin is the one who yearns more but they're separated by a thin yet impenetrable barrier. I was so happy that this clip fits my vision, with an Asian man at that! It's hard to find good free stock footage of Asians. And tap the GIF for better quality.

Buy me a glass of something that's definitely not coffee because I can't stand it but it is the website's name if my story touches you in some way? No worries if you don't. I'm still grateful you've read all the way through here.

[v4mpirezz]

𐙚 ꒰ ℬ𝒖𝒃𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒔, 𝒑𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒔, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒍𝒆𝒔 ꒱

── ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა A/n: Wowwie!!! I had a very fluffy idea once I saw the Nana bath scene it was so cute! So here you go! More Tennant content because she’s so UGHH! Also as promised, I will make my writing more high quality as my past fics are absolutely rushed— something i’m quite a bit ashamed of, apologies.

˗ˏˋ After a long day, your lover decided to surprise you ˎˊ˗

Never ending was a perfect description of your day. It was absolutely tiring, it was as if it was a loop. Was it stress? Absolutely, and it didn’t go unnoticed by Tennant one bit.

Tennant… oh how you love her despite knowing well about her job. At first, you really hated it, you wanted to tell her to quite so badly. However, deep down you knew her heart only belonged to you. You are the one she’ll settle with for the first time.

On top of that, you trust her. You know she would never betray you, and trust is something extremely important in a relationship isn’t it? Although it still irks you a bit— and you’ll admit you do get jealous of the other women she flirts with— Tennant always makes up for it.

Despite the many women who are swooned by her, you managed to catch her attention in a special way, in fact the way you two met was rather amusing, but that’s a story for another day (wink~!).

Once you entered your shared boundoir, you saw the woman herself sitting on the edge of the bed with a loving smile. Unlike the many other smiles, the ones she gave you weren’t fake but genuine. Something you can rub in other women’s faces is the fact that Tennant is genuine with you, her compliments, sweet talking, and smiles are not a lie like the diamonds she gives out.

“Why hello my love, it seems you came back late, funny since it’s usually me.” She said and stood up to wrap her arms around my waist.

You sighed and buried your face on her chest. The smell of patchouli and her arms wrapped around your waist sent you comfort, reminding you you’re back home with your lover.

“I’m sorry, I had a very busy day unlike usual.” You said tiredly. She let out a deep chuckle and kissed the top of your head, “I know. I’ve seen you quite stressed today so I decided to prepare… something special for you, my love.” She whispered the last part on your ear.

Curious you looked up at her raising an eyebrow “Something special? .. ah! You got me a gift?” You beamingly smiled and started jumping up and down a bit in excitement.

Tennant smiled awkwardly “hmm.. sort of but not quite. Although I do promise to get you one someday soon. Perhaps you should look in the bathroom.” She winked.

Intrigued, you walked towards the bathroom and grabbed the knob and twisted it slowly. “Darling, you’re acting like this is a horror movie.” Tennant covered her mouth trying not to laugh.

“Hey you never know! You probably have a hidden body in there— oh!” You gasped at the lovely sight before you. She prepared you a bath with lots of bubbles, rose petals, and candle lights were lit everywhere giving it this romantic atmosphere, the bathroom smelled like roses and just oh so wonderful.

Tennant sneaked behind you with a teasing smirk, “Oh my apologies, you were saying my love?”

With an innocent smile you looked at her slowly. “Woopsie.. I was wrong I think! AWWW BUT THANK YOU MY LOVE~! You are so cute sometimes awwww!” You smacked your lips against her face, making sure to give her kisses everywhere!

She giggled and kissed your lips softly, it was short but sweet nonetheless, it’s alright though! You will steal many more from her later anyway.

With a teasing voice she whispered in your ear, “How about we get undressed and hop in before the water gets cold hm?” Your face flushed red and looked away “Tennant don’t say it like that! You make it sound like we’re gonna do something totally different!”

“Oh? Darling I’m trying to help you relax not tire you further.” She laughed. With a pout you started taking of your clothes and so did she.

“Have I ever told you how gorgeous you are?” She asked and pulled you closer to her. You embraced her with a smile, “Plenty of times.” You answered. A hand ran over your hair lovingly “And I’ll keep reminding you.” She stated.

୨୧‿‿‿୨ﾠ୧‿‿‿୨୧

Warmth, that’s exactly how you felt right now. The bath was perfect, as well as the moment. Your back faced tennant as she gently scrubbed your back while placing soft kisses on your neck.

“Thank you, love. This really is my perfect after a long day, I really needed this.” You said breaking the peaceful silence.

She smiled, “Don’t thank me, you deserve this after all.” She stopped scrubbing and hugged you from behind. With a smile you turned around to face her, suddenly to her surprise you put bubbles on her face to indicate a beard. She laughed and put some on you making it look like a mustache.

You giggled and washed it off before hugging her. “Hmmm… I fell like i’ll fall asleep in here, that’s not good.” Tennant looked down at you affectionately, like you were the moat precious diamond out there, and you are to her. “It’s alright darling. Sleep here if you want, I’ll make sure to take you to bed later.”

No words can describe the love you hold for her, the things you’d sacrifice for her. She is your happiness, your joy, your world, and so are you to her.

There is nothing in this world Tennant wouldn’t do for you, nor is there absolutely no one that can replace you in any way or capture her heart like you have. Tennant runs away, that is true, but now she will only run away with you.

“You know I love you so much, right?” You softly whispered; laying your head on her shoulder. Her breath shook for a moment before kissing your forehead.

“I do. And I also love you very much.”

♡ ──── 𝑫𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑼𝑳𝑨𝑿𝑰𝑨𝑺 … writing is mine! Please do not copy, adapt, , translate or repost without my personal consent, permission and without crediting!

[dmb-fngrl]

Hi I was wondering if the valentines carnival requests were still open? If not, feel free to ignore (and apologies for wording I’m slow). Pick a rubber duck

May I get Dropped ice cream with Carousel?

Too Soon, Too Late--Tamaki Amajiki

TW: Unrequited Love, a f*ck-ton of angst

A/N: The Valentine’s Day event is still open for 5 more days! Also, to the person who made this request: this hurt me so much to write. Enjoy!

Edit: I have realized that this fic has the same title as one by @bokunowriteracademia. I’m sorry I lowkey plagiarised (Idk if I even need to be sorry, but my social anxiety took the wheel and made me write this. Sorry again!)

Tamaki shook, whimpering and weeping into his pillow. A box of chocolates was smashed into his trashcan, a single rose thrown on top of it. He could still remember the scene clear as day.

You were standing at you locker, grabbing your backpack at the end of the day. It was Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. Tamaki had been preparing himself to confess to you for weeks, and Mirio had been hyping him up for it. Now came the hard part: actually doing it. He held a box of chocolate in one hand, a rose in the other. His feet dragged like lead, and his mouth was as dry as the desert. It took everything he had in him to not run and face the nearest wall. But as soon as Tamaki took his eyes off of his shoes, he swore his heart stopped. You were holding hands with Ito Benjiro, another boy from your class. And you were kissing. Tamaki didn’t even think, near sprinting back to his dorm room as soon as he got his breath back.

And that was where he found himself now. He was sobbing, his shoulders shaking. You immediately ran off as soon as you saw Tamaki go, not stopping until you were in front of your friend’s door. You didn’t know how much he’d seen, but...

It couldn’t have been good.

You talked to him through the door, attempting to cajole him to open it so you could explain. When that effort failed, you simply decided to call him. Luckily, he picked up. You explained to him through the phone what you wished you could’ve in person. He was a great person, an amazing friend, he would be a wonderful hero someday. But you had given up your crush on him months ago when it seemed like he didn’t like you back. You’d been dating your current boyfriend for two months, keeping things on the down-low until you were ready, but he’d caught you off guard with his PDA today.

You hung up after your last sentence, apologizing once again. For Tamaki, it didn’t really hurt that you liked someone else, he could get over that.

What hurt was that if he’d been a little sooner, that would’ve been him.

[joneswuzhere]

hello join me in thinking about some books and authors that are, or might be, part of s5′s intertextuality

5.10 in particular offered specific shout outs, and also u know i’m always wondering what might be ahead so i have some ideas on that:

- first, as mentioned in a previous ask post, i know i wasn’t alone in keeping an eye out for 5.10 parallels to the lost weekend (1945) the film that gave episode 1.10 its name and several themes - or to the 1944 book by charles r jackson which the film is based on

- s5 has not been shy about revisiting earlier seasons, especially s1. altho i feel that 1.10′s parallels to the lost weekend centered characters other than jughead (mostly betty), a 1.10-5.10 connection involving jughead and themes from jackson’s story (addiction, writers block, self reflection) seemed v possible if not inevitable

- but like,, , for a hot minute after the ep, i was really stumped on understanding how anything from the book or film could apply, even tho the pieces were almost all there

- jackson’s protagonist don birnam goes thru and comes out the other side of a harrowing days-long drinking binge that could be compared to jughead’s one-night hallucinogenic writing retreat

- but jughead is struggling primarily with traumatic memories, not addiction and self control like birnam. and tho drinking activates birnam’s creativity, it paralyzes his writing as he gets lost in fantasies; he’s never published anything. jughead’s drug trip recreates circumstances that already helped him write one successful book. even the rat that startles him mid-high doesn’t line up with birnam’s withdrawal vision of a dying mouse, symbolic of his horror at his own self-destruction thru alcohol

- and maybe the most visible discordance: in the film there’s a romantic motif around a typewriter. first it’s an object of shame; birnam’s failure to write, tied up with his drinking, makes him flee his relationship. he tries to pawn the typewriter for booze money and finally a gun when shooting himself feels easier than getting sober. but with the help of relentless encouragement from girlfriend helen, he quits drinking, commits to her, and focuses on typing out the story he’s dreamt of writing. rd goes so far to avoid setting any comparable scenario that jughead has brought a wholeass printer into the bunker so there can still be a physical manuscript to cover in blood by the end, even without his own typewriter. the subtle detail of his laptop bg image is a little less noticeable than his avoidance of betty’s gift

- tabitha might be closer to a parallel than jughead is, but she’s still no helen. both refuse to take advantage of the inebriated men in their care, but birnam takes advantage of helen, financially and emotionally. jughead refused a loan from the tate family and now has resolved to deal with his shit before he considers a relationship with tabitha. instead of helen’s relentless and unwelcomed attempts to get birnam sober, tabitha reluctantly agrees to help jughead trip safely bondage escape notwithstanding. she even helps him get the drugs.

- whatever potentials exist for parallels to jackson’s story, they were not explored for this episode. ok so why tf am i even talking about this? what was there instead?

-  i have arrived at the point

- s5 has been revisiting s1, not directly but with a twist. and jughead’s agent samm pansky is back. u may recall, pansky is named for sam lansky

- jughead’s trip-thru-trauma is a story device tapped straight from lansky’s book ‘broken people’

- lansky is like if a millenial john rechy wrote extremely LA-flavored meta but just about himself no jk very like a modern successor to charles r jackson. both play with the boundary between memoir and fiction. lansky is gay; jackson wrote his lost weekend counterpart as closeted and remained closeted himself until only a few years before his death. both write with emotional clarity and self-scrutiny on the experiences of addiction, sobriety, and the surrounding issues of shame and self worth

- i feel like a fool bc after this ep i had been thinking about de quincey and his early writings on addiction (c.1800s), but i failed to carry the thought in the other direction, to contemporary writers in the genre, to make this connection sooner

- lansky’s second book, broken people, follows narrator ‘sam’, mid-20s, super depressed, hastled by his agent to write a decent follow-up to his first book, but too busy struggling with his self-worth and baggage from several past relationships. desperate, he takes up an offer to visit a new age shaman who promises to fix everything wrong with him in a matter of days. not to over simplify it but he literally spends a weekend doing psychedelics and hallucinating about his exes. jughead took note

- unless u want me to hurl myself into yet another dissertation about queer jughead, i think his parallel to sam - who, unlike jughead, has considerable financial privilege and whose anxieties center on body dysmorphia, hiv scares, and his own self-centeredness - pretty much ends there

- But,, the gist of the book could not be more harmonius with a major theme shared by the 2 films that inform the actual hallucination part of jughead’s bunker scene: mentally reframing past relationships to get closure + confronting trauma head-on in order to move forward

- so that’s neat. what other book and author stuff was in 5.10?

- stephen king and raymond carver get name dropped. i’m passingly familiar with them both but u bet i just skimmed their wiki bios in case anything relevant jumped out

- like jughead, carver was a student (later a lecturer) at the iowa writers workshop. also the son of an alcoholic and one himself

- i recall carver’s ‘what we talk about when we talk about love’ is what jughead was reading in 2.14 ‘the hills have eyes’ after he finds out about the first time betty kissed archie (at that time he does not respond as would any of carver’s characters)

- this collection of carver stories deals especially with infidelity, failings of communication, and the complexities and destructiveness of love. to unashamedly quote the resource that is course hero, ‘carver renders love as an experience that is inherently violent bc it produces psychic and emotional wounds.’ very fun to wonder about the significance of this collection within the s2 episode and in jughead’s thoughts. and maybe now in the context of the s5 state of relationships. or, at least, the state of jughead’s writing as seen by his agent

- anyway pansky doesn’t want carver, he wants stephen king

- i have too much to say about gerald’s game in 5.10, that’s getting its own post someday soon

- lol wait king’s wife is named tabitha uhhh king’s wiki reminded me of his childhood experience that possibly inspired his short story ‘the body’ (+1986 movie ‘stand by me’) when he ‘apparently witnessed one of his friends being struck and killed by a train tho he has no memory of the event’

- no mention of that in this rd episode but memories of a train could be interesting to consider with the imagery that intrudes on jughead’s hallucination. i still feel like it was a truck but the lights and sounds he experiences may be a train

- ok now we’re in the speculation part of today’s segment

- if jughead’s traumatic memory involves trains, then it’s possible this plot will take influence from la bête humaine <- this 1938 movie is based on the 1890 novel by french writer émile zola. this story deals with alcoholism and possessive jealousy in relationships, sometimes leading to murder. huh, kind of like carver. zola def comes down on the nature side of the nature-vs-nuture bad seed question (tho i should say he approaches this with great or maybe just v french compassion). also i can’t tell if this is me reaching but, something about la bête humaine reminds me of king’s ‘secret window’ which we’ve observed to be at least a style influence on jughead post time jump

- but wow a late-19th century french writer would be a random thing to drop into this season, right? then again zola also wrote about miners, which we’ve learned are an important part of this town’s history + whatever hiram is up to this time.  and most notably, zola wrote ‘j’accuse...!’ an open letter in defense of a soldier falsely accused and unlawfully jailed for treason: alfred dreyfus. archie’s recent army trouble comes to mind.

- since the introduction of old man dreyfuss (plausibly Just a nod to close encounters actor richard dreyfuss, but also when is anything in this show Just one thing) i’ve been wondering if these little things could add up to a season-long reference to zola’s writings. but i had doubts and didn’t want to speak on it too soon bc, u know, it’s weird but is it weird enough for riverdale??

- however,,,

- (come on, u knew where i was going with this)

- a24′s film zola just came out. absolutely no relation to the french writer, it’s not based on a book but an insane and explicit twitter thread by aziah ‘zola’ wells about stripping and? human trafficking?? this feels ripe for rd even outside the potentials here for the lonely highway/missing girls plot.

- that would add up to a combination of homage that feels natural to this show

- anyway pls understand i’m just having fun speculating, most of this is based on nothing more concrete than the torturous mental tendril ras has hooked into my skull pls let go ras pls let go

[amethystroselilith]

Intertwined Fates (Chilumi/Zhonglumi) - Chapter 5

Yea so... uhm... I may or may have been addicted to anime during vacation and the next thing I knew, uni started again and uhm... we're a month in now... So much for me promising to be active in writing smh...

Also, I learned how to add pictures! Chapter 3 is updated for the ring picture :)

Can be read in ao3 here

SUMMARY:

Plans don't always go the way it is

Lumine can’t help but smile as Qiqi’s laughter filled their living room. Her heart can’t help but melt at the sight of her future husband, and her father pretends to be monsters and make fool of themselves to entertain the little girl. Lumine can’t help but chuckle to herself, her daughter completely has these powerful men wrapped around her little fingers.

“A beach wedding is such a wonderful idea, Lumine! Your aunties and I have founded these locations so far, if they’re not to your liking, just tell me, okay? Your mother will make sure to make your dream wedding happen!” her mother beamed beside her as she splayed out the pictures of potential beach locations on the coffee table in front of them.

Never did Lumine thought there will come a time when her mother and herself will bond like this. Upon confirming their engagement, her mother had been ecstatic; messaging Lumine all potential wedding ideas she can, even creating a board on Pinterest.

While it may be annoying to Lumine, she can’t deny that she’s excited herself. She gently shrugged her mother off at first, claiming that she’s busy with work, but one boring evening when Ajax was busy fixing something at work in his home office, the blonde woman opened the app to see what her mother is up to. She looked through the grand ideas her mother had pinned, they were mostly wedding dresses and accessories. The more Lumine browses, the more her mind starts imagining a wedding scenario, and the next thing she knows, she’s saving beach wedding-related pins and a phone call from her mother popped out of her screen.

Ajax joined mid-conversation and was surprised, and secretly elated that his bride also shares the same excitement of them officially tying the knot.

Never did Ajax thought he would be so invested in wedding planning, he’s more invested in the honeymoon part, but after listening to his fiancée and soon to be mother-in-law for a while, he can’t help but fall in love with the beach wedding idea and started looking at ideas on his own phone, which granted him a collaboration in the Pinterest board they’re working on.

After a promise of her mother looking for venues, the two-hour conversation ended with an excited soon to be wed couple.

A few days after that night, Lumine can’t help but think of her grand day every time she has the chance to. She had been bright during work, always humming softly as she works. Her glow had affected everyone in the bakery, even Xiao who smiled softly and even suggested something for the wedding cake, which Aether will be in charge of.

It surprised the twins, making them stare at Xiao long enough for the said man to be embarrassed and murmured something to forget about it until Lumine expressed her delight at the idea.

The original idea was a beach-themed cake, with the usual sand-like crumbs and seashells. Xiao instead suggested a baby blue coloured cake with frosting smudged on the cake to look like waves.

The day then ended with Xiao and Aether presenting a drawing of their combined ideas, Aether adding some white roses to complete the look.

(AN: Source: https://emmalovesweddings.com/summer-beach-wedding-cakes/summer-beach-wedding-cake-ideas/)

Lumine is in love with it.

“Have you two decided on the wedding date yet by the way?” her mother pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Well, we’re thinking a sunny Summer wedding will be nice? It fits the whole beach wedding theme, and coincidentally, that’s the time Ajax and I will don’t have to worry much about work.” Lumine answered, “It’s also going to be Qiqi’s first Summer at the beach.” she smiled at the scene last night, Qiqi’s eyes wide and curious as Ajax talks about the beach.

Qiqi had never been a huge fan of being under the sun, always preferring to stay under the shade, but from the looks of last night, her daughter seemed to be willing to give it a try, the seashell hunting and castle building especially.

Her mother took note of it on her phone, “Got it, now go ahead and look at these locations, I’ll contact them as soon as we get home.” she smiled.

Lumine hummed as she looked at the potential venues, they look great to Lumine so far, she appreciates the notes her mother stick with the pictures showcasing what each location is known and loved for.

She’s really invested in it, and Lumine wonders where all this energy is when it was her and Zhongli-

Before she could dwell on the thought, she shook her head, gaining a curious look from her mother.

“Sorry, something caught in my eye.” she shrugged it off while pretending to rub her eyes.

She went over the venues again, she managed to pick her top 3 favourites before calling for her groom to be, “Ajax, can you help me choose between these?”

The scene before her paused with Qiqi laughing as she pretends to fly as Ajax holds her up while her grandfather pretends to catch her.

“Sure, wanna help Mama and Papa choose the wedding venues, Qiqi?” Ajax cooed before sitting next to Lumine, putting Qiqi on his lap.

“Yes, Qiqi wants lots of seashells.” the little girl replied as she looked at the pictures.

“I’m sure all of them have lots of seashells, dear.” her grandmother chuckled.

Her mother is right, so it doesn’t really narrow down Lumine’s options, “How about you?” she asked Ajax, intertwining her fingers with his.

Ajax hummed, giving Lumine’s hand a kiss as he looked at the options, Qiqi giggled and offered her own hand, to which Ajax chuckled and give it a light kiss as well before ruffling her hair.

“They’re all good to me.” he shrugged.

“Ah, as helpful as your father was when we were planning our wedding.” her mother joked.

“Hey, I just trust your taste more than mine.” her father defended as he sat next to his wife.

Ajax was about to use the same excuse, but Lumine glared at him, “Don’t you dare.”

He raised his hands in defence, “Alright how about this, we close our eyes and let fate pick?”

Lumine raised an eyebrow.

“What? They’re your top 3 favourites, right? And we can’t choose, so why not give it a try?” Ajax shrugged.

Lumine sighed but agree, “Well, why not?”

With their hands together, they closed their eyes.

Their parents can’t help but laugh, Qiqi giggling in anticipation as she waits for the answer.

Their fingers grabbed a picture.

They opened their eyes,

‘Cool Isle’, it read.

~~~

“Qiqi wants beach wedding too,” Qiqi says, effectively freezing Ajax from cooking.

Lumine snickered from the table, watching and waiting for the man’s reaction. It was almost dinner time when her parents left, so they decided to hang out in the kitchen while Ajax prepares their meal, Qiqi’s colouring on her notebook while Lumine decided to just randomly film themselves. It’s a thing that she loves to do, documenting some of their lives to look back to in the future, and now looks like an interesting memory to laugh at someday.

Ajax turned to them with a tight smile, “No.”

Qiqi pouted, “Why not?”

“Because you’re my baby Qiqi and you’ll be forever, therefore, you’re not allowed to get married,” Ajax explained, pouting when he saw Lumine snickering with no intention of stopping their daughter from her terrifying plan.

“But why?”

“You’ll get three storytimes later if you promise not to get married.”

“Four!”

“Deal. You got that on camera right, love?” Ajax turned to Lumine.

“Oh my god.” Lumine laughed but nodded, “Yeah, I did.”

“You heard that yourself future Qiqi,” Ajax said at the camera.

“Four stories, yay!” the little girl hummed, bouncing lightly as she coloured.

The rest of the evening went quietly, they do their routines, Qiqi falling asleep midway through her first story, and now Ajax and Lumine are cuddling on their bed, the blonde having her back against her lover’s chest while his hands trace random shapes on her hip.

“What are you thinking about?” Lumine asked as she turned to face Ajax.

“Just you walking down the aisle dressed like the goddess you are.” he grinned.

“Really now?” Lumine raised an eyebrow, but Ajax can still see the smile she’s hiding.

“Well, trying to imagine what’s underneath the dress but it doesn’t sound as romantic now, does it?” Ajax teased, earning a playful smack from Lumine.

“It sounds more honest at least,” she retorted back with a playful smile.

“Now I can’t stop thinking of it…”

Lumine can feel something poking her leg, “Stop, it’s a surprise!” she huffed.

“That doesn’t help, love, now I’m more curious.” he groaned as he buried his face against her neck.

“There’s a reason why it’s called a surprise, you know.” Lumine rolled her eyes but still tilted her head to give him space.

“A small preview would be nice though…” he said suggestively before giving her neck a soft nibble.

“Hm, I guess a small sneak peek is fi-”

Lumine didn’t get the chance to finish her sentence for her fiancé just dived in for his meal.

~~~

“Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day, little Qiqi wants to play…” Qiqi sang softly as she traces the raindrops on the car window.

“It looks like it’ll be raining for the whole day.” Lumine observed the sky, “Qiqi, if it’s still raining when school’s done, just stay over Granny Shan’s toy store and I’ll pick you up, okay?”

“Can Qiqi have a new toy?” Qiqi gasped in excitement.

“If you’re a good girl for Granny Shan, then Papa will buy you one.” Ajax chuckled at the sparkle in Qiqi’s eyes.

Qiqi nodded before humming again, this time, livelier as she starts to think of what toy she would want.

“It’s nice we have someone to watch over Qiqi, we might be a little busy today since we’re in charge of the sweets for an event. I’ll make sure to bring Granny Shan something when I pick Qiqi up.” Lumine says as she looked at the notes on her phone to prepare for today.

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate that, babe.” Ajax hummed as he slowed the car in front of Qiqi’s school rather than the bakery, “Fix your raincoat, sweetie, Papa will walk you to school.” he said then waited for the little girl to follow his order.

“Give Mama a kiss and have fun at school, okay?” Lumine smiled.

“Okay! Qiqi’s gonna do her bestest!” the little girl responded before giving Lumine a kiss.

Ajax prepared the umbrella before stepping out of the car to get his daughter.

Lumine hummed and waited in the car. She looked at the toy store across the street, “It looks like they’re opening.” she said as she watches someone in a raincoat and an umbrella try to push up the display barrier to reveal the contents of the shop.

Granny Shan did say someone was helping her run the shop, “Someone looking for his family, huh.” she remembered the old woman saying, though she didn’t get any more information than that, though she did remember the man being nice to Qiqi and buying her a present.

Lumine should also bring him something as a thank you later.

The car door opening pulled Lumine’s attention from the employee.

“Qiqi has her umbrella, right?” Lumine asked.

“Yup, I made sure she didn’t forget it this time,” Ajax answered as he settled inside the car, “Alright, let’s go,” he said as he drove off.

~~~

Zhongli sighed as he shrugs his raincoat off and placing it on the coat rack together with the umbrella. He’s glad he stopped Granny Shan from going outside to open the shop herself. It was a bit tough even for him to push the barriers up with the wind trying to blow his umbrella away, he doesn’t want to imagine how dangerous it would’ve been for her.

“I hope it won’t be raining as much later.” the old woman hummed as she observed the weather.

“The weather news said it’ll be raining but it would be lighter than this,” Zhongli said as he went on about his duties.

“Well, either way, Qiqi would be waiting here, her mother will pick her up later.” Granny Shan said, “Which is nice cause I would love to give her something for their wedding.”

“Wedding?” Zhongli raised his eyebrow.

“Ah yes, turns out the couple isn’t married yet. Qiqi isn’t biologically the groom’s but she was raised by him when her father died from an accident.” the woman explained.

“That’s an unfortunate accident.” Zhongli frowned.

“Ah it was, but her groom is a great man, he said her deceased husband was his best friend, while it may sound controversial, I think it’s great that he takes good care of them, you can see how dedicated and loving he is when it comes to his family.” Granny Shan chuckled, “Maybe you should visit the bakery sometimes, it would be more fun to socialise with people your age than just an old lady like me.” she teased.

“Don’t be like that, I quite enjoy our conversation.” the brunette replied, “But I think it would be nice to meet them, maybe they can help me in searching for my own family.”

“Ah, that would be great as well.” Granny Shan replied, “Well, I’ll go ahead and make us some tea to warm us up.” she said before leaving to the kitchen.

Zhongli hum before continuing his tasks.

~~~

It was five hours after Qiqi’s done with school.

Five hours of Qiqi waiting for her Mama.

And Qiqi is starting to get a little fussy.

By this time, Qiqi would have taken a nap in the private room of the bakery, she would’ve woken up refreshed and would be playing with her Uncles now.

She doesn’t even remember the promise of a new toy, she just wants to go home and sleep.

Granny Shan had offered the sofa in their living room, but Qiqi isn’t comfortable with napping somewhere else than the comfort of familiarity their bakery gives. Even if she knows Granny Shan and Mr Zhongli are good people, she just wants her Mama and Uncles nearby.

Zhongli frowns as Qiqi rejects another snack from him, while Qiqi did have a packed lunch with her, he thought that some sweets will brighten her mood, but all he was getting was a no and a frustrated tired face from the girl.

“Hm, it’s barely raining outside now, why don’t you just walk Qiqi there?” Granny Shan said.

Qiqi perked up at the suggestion, looking at Zhongli with tired and pleading eyes.

“Yeah, I think it would be a great idea, the little one is tired and I think she’d be more comfortable resting with her family.” Zhongli nodded.

Qiqi’s eye lightened, she nodded in agreement before standing up to follow Zhongli.

“Alright, be careful, bye Qiqi.” Granny Shan waved.

Having been in a good mood again, Qiqi smiled and waved, “Bye-bye, GrannyShan!” before grabbing Zhongli’s hand.

It took Zhongli by surprise, he wasn’t offering his hand but it seemed to be a habit of the little girl, which isn’t that bad, it’s safer that way and he’s glad her parents thought her that.

Also for some reason, it gives him a huge sense of comfort.

Gently grabbing Qiqi’s hand and an umbrella, they made their way.

~~~

“Oh my god, I hope Qiqi is fine.” Lumine said as she frantically shoved her things in her purse, “We were so busy no one can come to get her, I couldn’t even prepare something for Granny Shan.”

“Baby, calm down.” Ajax sighed as he wrapped his arms around his stressed lover, hugging her from the back “Qiqi’s in good hands and you guys did amazing for the event, you should rest for a bit,” he said softly before kissing the side of her head.

While Lumine is shy with public display of affection, there is no customer to tend since the bakery was closed early, most of the employees left, Xiao was at the kitchen making sure to clean the last bit before locking up the back then heading home, and Aether had left to pick Keqing up from work. It’s just the two of them in front of the shop, Lumine having cleaned up the counter and tables when Ajax arrived.

“You know how Qiqi is when she doesn’t get her nap, she’s going to be a nightmare to take care of later.” the blonde dreaded.

Ajax chuckled, turned her around and lifted her up to sit her on the table, “I’ll be with you, don’t worry, we’ll handle our little tantrum monster, okay?” he smiled with an Eskimo kiss.

The exact thing Lumine needs to calm down, she smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, “How are you always so bright even after work.” she pouted at him.

“Let’s say messing with a certain midget is a great stress reliever.” Ajax grinned mischievously.

“You know one day, you’re gonna get in trouble for pissing him so much at work.” Lumine deadpanned.

“Eh, I only mess with him when it’s a slow day so I’m not disrupting anything at work. Though it had become a game for everyone to bet on who’s gonna fall for whose prank, I have a winning streak of 4 if you’re curious.”

“If our kids become little shits, you’re sleeping on the fucking sofa.” Lumine threatened, though there’s a playful hint in her eyes.

“Such a harsh punishment, love, how will I pass on my legacy?” Ajax faked frowned.

“What legacy? Being a little shit to Scaramouche?” Lumine teased as she poked his cheeks.

“Well, I was thinking our kids vs his, you know? A worthy opponent, their battle will be legendary!”

Lumine laughed, “Ajax, no!”

Ajax grinned, glad that his lover is in a much brighter mood. The talk about their future kids had also brightened him up with excitement, he can imagine Qiqi being the best big sister she can be with the future little ones that’ll be running around their house.

Speaking of which, he should start looking for some renovation plans to handle a bigger family in their home.

A text notified Lumine. She checked her phone and sighed in relief, “Well, looks like Granny Shan sent her employee to walk Qiqi here.”

Ajax hummed before burying his face against her neck, “That’s great, ‘cause I’m feeling comfortable like this.”

“You’re gonna make the man uncomfortable, Ajax.” Lumine pointed out how intimate they look but nonetheless brushed her fingers through his hair.

“Eh, should be expected with a soon to be wed couple.” Ajax shrugged not moving except lifting his face to rest his forehead against hers.

Lumine just chuckled and welcomed the comfort.

“Mama, Papa, Qiqi’s here! Look, Mister, that’s Qiqi’s Mama and Papa!”

[livingmybestfictionallife]

What If?

Request from @chanandlersstuff​: Hii, it's me, again. I want to request another Mgk imagine. Something like he goes to a new bar in the city and discovers that the owner is his childhood sweetheart or his first crush, the reader, and they can kiss or something like that. I love how you write and that's why I will ask you for a lots of requests

A/N: Thank you so much for your support! :) I hope you enjoy this one! Also, idk where Cassie and her mother reside. I assume it’s Cleveland, so that’s what it’s going to be in this story. ALSO, a bit of Pantera/Damageplan trivia is included as part of the plot of the story simply because I was listening to it and realized this takes place in Ohio--you’ll see why it’s important if you don’t already know. Hope you enjoy!

A/N part 2: If you ever want to be tagged in something, send me an ask or a message! :)

December 8th, 2004 was always a day that stood out to Colson, simply because it was the biggest ‘What if?’ in his life. He’d experienced too much heartache in his youth and would continue to face pain and anguish throughout his adolescence and early adulthood, and he had so many things that he would reflect back on and wonder what could have happened to make things go differently? What could he have done better? What kind of divine intervention would have been needed? What if he’d just gone home? What if he decided to hang out with someone else?

It seemed that as he reached thirty, he became more enamored with laying these what if questions to rest. He could spend the rest of his life wondering about what would happen had he not fucked something up or had something just gone a different direction, or he could accept that each of those mishaps had led him to the man he was today. He was happy with his life, and for the first time in a long time, he could admit that he was truly happy; he had a beautiful, happy, and healthy daughter that was the light of his world, a successful fifth studio album that blew away the punk and rock charts, and he was in what had to be the healthiest relationship in his life with a gorgeous woman that he loved. Yet still, there was one what if that refused to escape his mind: what if December 8th, 2004 went differently?

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Cassie had told her father over a thanksgiving dinner in Los Angeles about her school’s Winter Talent Show, and that she would be performing a song off her father’s album as a tribute to her late grandfather. Colson couldn’t refrain from tearing up as his daughter told him this and promised he wouldn’t miss it for the world. 

He’d shown up to Cassie’s talent show with a bouquet of flowers and a couple of friends he bothered to still talk to after all these years. His eyes glistened with proud, sorrow-ridden tears as he listened to the angel he had for a child sing his lyrics--with school appropriate revisions made--about the struggles he faced with his father since he was about her age. Of all the what ifs that passed through his mind, a lot had to do with his ability to be a good father for Cassie, and every second he spends with her reminds him that she is so much better of a person than he ever was at her age, and it was in that pride that he allowed a solitary tear to fall. He knew his father was proud of Cassie as well as she sang Lonely for her school, and when the show was over, he wrapped his daughter in the tightest hug he could, terrified of the fact that someday, he wouldn’t be around to hold her anymore.

It seemed death was always prevalent in his life; after all it was a death that caused the biggest what if in his mind to continue to pester him.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

(Y/N) paced around the densely populated room and watched not only the patrons, but the employees as well. She’d never even thought of opening a bar, in fact, she never considered being an entrepreneur of any sort, but when the opportunity came, she realized she’d have to be a fool to turn it down. Music had always been a passion of hers; she’d performed in small garage bands with friends, played local shows throughout high school and college, and she even got a degree in music production in hopes of working with a recording studio or record label. (Y/N) had followed this dream and worked at a Bad Racket Recording Studio since 2012, about three years after the studio opened.

It wasn’t until about a year ago that a friend got her in contact with someone who was looking to co-own a bar and turn it into a music venue for local bands. She loved the idea of promoting local bands and musicians, especially since she’d spent the past seven years watching people bring their dreams to life through recording. Maybe it was time to help them realize another dream, the dream of performance.

The reverberations of heavy guitar and drums pulsed through her heart and bones as the performing artist tonight began a cover of Damageplan’s ‘Breathing New Life’. Her heart skipped a beat inadvertently as her mind became lost in the music that electrified the air around her. As an early teen, she’d found solace in music of all genres, but her favorite had been the rock/grunge/metal scene. Pantera had been one of her father’s favorite bands, and so she grew up with a fondness of the musical stylings of the two Abbott brothers from Texas. A lot of kids her age couldn’t understand what was so appealing about Pantera to her--they assumed that just because her parents listened to it she was forced to as well and therefore didn’t know what good music was--but there was always one kid who understood. 

One blonde boy would always make sure to ask (y/n) what new music she’d found, if she’d heard of the drama that was going down between bands, and if she’d wanted to listen to CDs together after school. She always responded with a smile before any words left her mouth to continue the conversation, and over the course of middle school, that blonde kid, who she’d known only in passing before, became her closest friend.

As (y/n)’s eyes continued to drift over the crowd, images of her childhood friend’s face flashed through her mind as her gaze came to rest on a tall man dressed in all black, with unruly blonde hair. Had he not been wearing his jacket around his waist and a short sleeved shirt that revealed his tattoos, (y/n) would have glossed over the man’s presence without a second look, but the I-71 North tattoo that was half-visible beneath the rolled up sleeve had given away the man’s identity. With a smile on her face and confidence in her stride, (y/n) approached the bar.

Colson had been in town for a few nights before he’d had enough of his old buddies bugging him about trying out a new bar called Panther’s Den. They continued to swear up and down about it having a nineties feel, and how maybe he should see about setting up a small performance for old-time sakes there. After about three days of this continuing pestering, he gave in and agreed to go to the bar. Together, the small group sat huddled together as they waited to order drinks when a woman approached them with an unforgettable smile pulled across her face. 

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” she called out over the band as she shifted her weight from one foot to another and waited for the man to bring his eyes to hers. She half expected to see the bloodshot, sleep-deprived, almost hallowed out expression he had worn from time to time in his youth, but when those bright blue eyes turned to face her, (y/n)’s smile grew as she looked into the healthy face of her long time friend.

“(Y/N),” Colson was quick to exclaim as he stretched out his arms and pulled the woman into his chest. “What are you doing here?”

“Just running my business.”

“You manage this place?” Colson asked as he looked down into the woman’s eyes. She’d always been mesmerizing to him, although he could never put his finger on it. Maybe it had been how little she cared about what other people thought about her in school, or how badass her taste in music was to him. Maybe it was how supportive she was in him when he said he wanted to rap, or the way her eyes seemed to light up whenever a good riff stood out to her. Maybe it was the way she couldn’t help but nod her head to the beat of every song, the way she bit her lip when she was concentrating on a specific lyric, or the fact that she was his earliest supporter. Whatever it was that captivated him at thirteen was doing the same thing to him at thirty.

“I own it; well, co-own, technically, but I picked the name.” With a smirk, (y/n) lowered herself into the barstool beside Colson and watched as the posse that had surrounded him began to disappear.

“I definitely see the connection now,” he laughed as his eyes traced over the woman’s features. There was a lot that was different--she had less of a baby face that she had in school, seemed a bit more kind and lighthearted than when she was so doom and gloom back in the day, and wore a smile that used to take him what felt like hours of coercing to bring to her face. “How have you been?” Colson hated the question. Often he thought people would think he asked it just to compare his success to their current phase in life, but with (y/n) it came with a different kind of awkwardness that he would have to face.

“I’ve been doing well. My business partner and I got this place up and running last year and it’s been going pretty smoothly,” she admitted. “I was working with a recording studio for a long time before this, but nothing too exciting.” (Y/N) loved what she did and often didn’t have much to talk about with other people besides her work. Her personal life consisted of watched re-runs of TV shows that haven’t been on the air in years, entertaining herself and her pets at home, and not really making an attempt of finding new relationships--friendly or romantic.

“No guy in your life?” Colson found himself asking with an insecurity swelling in his chest that didn’t die down until she shook her head and dismissed whatever fears he didn’t realize he had.

“What about you? Dating Megan Fox must being something,” (y/n) said as she nudged Colson’s ribs with her elbow.

“Yeah,” Colson muttered as he tried to hide his face from (y/n) as he spoke. “She’s great, and I’m really happy.” His words were truthful in every sense of the matter, but that what if still tugged at his heart.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

At twelve and thirteen-years-old, there’s no way to know what love feels like, so Colson tried to ignore the knots that came into his stomach or the words that got caught in his throat whenever he would hang out with (y/n). He ignored the burning in his chest whenever their faces touched while sharing the cheap headphones they used to listen to (y/n)’s CD player with, and buried the jittery feeling he had whenever he knew he had plans with (y/n) and was counting down the hours until seeing her. The only thing that forced him to come to terms with how he felt towards (y/n) was another boy in her class that offered his headphones over to her one day before school to listen to the newly released, Volume 2 box set from Motley Crue, which had just announced they were reuniting. 

His blood boiled as he saw her hand brush against the other boy’s as she accepted the headphones and bobbed her head to the beat of whatever song was flooding her ears. It took Colson all of the courage his young self could muster to ask (y/n) to go on a date with him, and all of the money he had earned through small, odd-jobs to pay for the perfect date for this perfect girl.

He’d tried to ask two of his older friends who could drive to take him and (y/n) to Columbus, but wasn’t able to bribe them with enough money for them to agree. Eventually, he had to ask (y/n)’s father for help. His own dad was too busy working to be bothered with a middle school date, so he hoped the man who gave his daughter her love of music would be understanding. (Y/N)’s father found the young man’s idea heartwarming and fun, and agreed to take the pair to Columbus under the stipulation that he stayed to keep an eye on them. At that point, Colson was so relieved the date was panning out, that he didn’t care if her dad came along. 

Excitement had overwhelmed both (y/n) and Colson as they embarked on the two hour drive from Cleveland to Columbus, but the time passed quickly through their loud singing, enthusiastic conversation, and (y/n)’s wild anticipation as Colson revealed to her that they were going to Columbus to see Damageplan perform live. He remembered an early conversation he’d had with (y/n) about how she’d love to see Pantera live, as well as the disappointment she had a year ago when the band broke up. Although it wasn’t the exact same as seeing her all-time favorite band, he’d hoped Damageplan, which the founders of Pantera formed after their breakup, would be a close second.

Had they not been caught in traffic, they would have gotten to the show on time. To this day, Colson and (y/n) were both sure the traffic had been a blessing in disguise. They wanted to be front and center for the first song, but that came with the possibility of losing their lives.

They pulled up to the venue about fifteen minutes late. “The show is hours long! We won’t miss much in fifteen minutes,” (y/n)’s father had continued to reassure the teenagers that sat together in the back seat of his car throughout the drive. However, as they pulled up to see ambulances, fire trucks, and police cars flooding the scene, he realized that they may have missed everything. After her father got out and talked to a few people who had remained at the venue--either to give statements to officers or simply because they were in too much shock to drive--he returned to the car where Colson and (y/n) waited, put the vehicle into drive, and pulled away from the scene. It was about twenty long, agonizing minutes of silence before he pulled over through a fast food drive through to order the teens food. With his voice low as they waited for burgers and French fries, he delivered the news to the pair sitting in his backseat. Dimebag Darrell was dead, and their lives had been spared by some traffic on I-71.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

“Do you ever wonder what would have happened with us if we actually made it to the concert?” Colson found himself asking (y/n) as his fingertips picked at the label on his beer bottle.

“The possibility of getting shot crosses my mind,” (y/n) responded dryly as she leaned against the bar on her elbow.

“I mean, what if we made it to the venue and that guy didn’t show up--he never got on stage and killed all those people. What would have happened--with us?” Colson’s eyes never left (y/n). The question had plagued him since that night, followed by a million subsequent questions, such as, Why did I never ask her out again? Why did I see that as missing my shot?

“Well,” (y/n) began with a smile playing on her lips. “That would have been the best date of my entire life. Hands down, nothing could have ever topped it,” she said as her genuine smile curled even higher into a beaming grin that made Colson weak. “I would have probably found a way to give you a kiss whenever my dad wasn’t looking, just to show you how much I appreciated not only your plan for the date, but also you as a person, my best friend, and my biggest crush back then.”

“If I would have asked you out again would you have said ‘yes,’ even after what actually happened?” He was hesitant to receive her answer; he didn’t want to know he had wasted so much time wondering if he missed out on the relationship he was meant to be in by being too cowardly to ask. As his eyes met the soft smile of the woman that stood beside him, his heart sank into his stomach and his stomach turned to lead.

“Yeah, I would have,” she admitted. “You were always there for me, Colson, and I kind of anticipated you asking me out again. You were my favorite person to be around, and I’m so proud of you for chasing your dreams.”

“But how much different would my life be if you were beside me the whole time?” He seemed defiant in his question, as if his tone could change the past and alter the present so he could see the difference in his life like comparing two ‘find-the-difference’ pages from a Highlight’s book.

“You wouldn’t have Cassie,” (y/n) stated with a matter-of-fact tone, “and I know how much you love that child.” Colson smiled at the mention of his daughter, and knew her statement to be true. If (y/n) was around, he would have never met Emma and Cassie would have never been born. “You would have still gone off on your own and done what you wanted to. Having me as your girlfriend wouldn’t have changed you wanting to be with models, I couldn’t ever keep you from something you set your mind to, so the drugs would have pulled us apart. In your own opinion, would I still be your friend if I saw everything you’ve done?” With a smirk and a chuckle, Colson reached out for (y/n)’s arm and gentled rested his hand on her shoulder.

“I don’t know if I would still be my friend. But I’m turning around from a lot of the stupid shit I used to do. You know, mellowing out with age,” he laughed and earned a small smirk from the girl that got away. “What about who I am now? How do you feel about him?” 

The words came from his mouth with a solemn look on his face as he scanned the woman’s appearance. He still loved her, and a big part of him knew he would never stop loving her. After all, how could he? He never got the opportunity to see where he and (y/n) would have gone. Would they have a child of their own? Would he have listened to her if she pestered him or threatened to leave when it came to the drugs? Would he have even felt he needed them? All they could do was speculate, and speculation wasn’t enough for him. He wanted an ending on their relationship, one way or another, he needed to know. This open-ended bullshit was eating at him every waking second of his life since December 8th, 2004, and he needed to have her tell him it would have never worked, then he could move on.

“You’ve always been incredible to me,” (y/n)’s softened voice admitted as she gazed up at the man she’d loved since her youth. “And you always will be, but you have Megan, and I know you--you’re happy. Don’t ruin what is a great thing over something that could have been, regardless of how either of us feel.” (Y/N) could feel her heart sinking and her eyes ache as they threatened to fill with tears. 

All she’d ever wanted was for him to walk in here, admit his feelings for her, and live some fan-fiction reality of a happily ever after, but the real world was much more cruel. People move on, and even if they don’t fully move on emotionally, they don’t sit around waiting forever. Colson hadn’t remained single in the sixteen years between their first almost date, and she never expected him to. The least she could do was wish happiness onto him and be happy for him when he found it. “I think you may have had a bit too much to drink, Col,” she sighed as she pushed the glass of liquor that sat in front of him aside. Throughout their reminiscing and conversation, he continued to order drink after drink to drown the anxiety of seeing her, and (y/n) could tell it was getting to his head. “You don’t want to do something you’ll regret when you sober up.”

“I need to know, (y/n),” he stated in a firm and exasperated gasp as they pair disappeared into her office so that he could sober up while she collected his friends to take him back to wherever he was staying.

“Colson--”

“Please,” his gentle blue eyes were staring down intently at (y/n)’s soul, a soul filled with hope and warmth clouded with traumas of her own, a soul that always felt tethered to his. With a deep breath and gentle sigh, she pulled herself onto her toes, gently rested her hands against his chest and shoulder, and closed her eyes as her lips found his.

Their kiss was simple, something a pair of middle school kids would have become so giddy over having done, but as adults, it was damn near impossible to ignore her heart jumping into her throat, the way his hands felt on her hips, how soft her lips were against his, how desperate he was to deepen the kiss, to sweep his tongue across her lips and lean her against a wall to feel her pressed against him. (Y/N) had pulled away from Colson before he could find the courage to do what he’d always wanted, and the pair stood toe to toe with electricity buzzing in their heads as they continued to reflect back on the past few seconds. Neither had felt that way with another person before, and neither were certain they would ever feel that way again, because Colson was happy, and Megan didn’t deserve to be thrown aside over the possibility of all the what ifs he had in regards to (y/n).

She gently bit down on her lip and stared at the floor in a desperate attempt to avoid looking Colson in the eyes, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to contain herself if he decided he wanted more. Thankfully, he took the hint and pulled (y/n) into a gentle hug before he turned rather clumsily on his heel to catch up with his friends.

“You’re always welcome here, Colson,” (y/n) called out before he left her sight, hoping he would understand her on the deeper level they always were able to converse with one another on.

“Thanks, (y/n),” he said in return as he held the door to her office gently in his hands. “I’ll try to come back again when I’m not so busy.” A coy smile played on both of their faces once the door was placed between them, and hope continued to spring from both of their chests.

Colson left the Panther’s Den feeling even more confused by the what ifs than he had initially been, and the sensation of the kiss had left him feeling even more light-headed and puzzled than any alcohol or overthinking could cause. In their silences and stolen glances, in the touch of their lips and how each other felt beneath the other’s hands, Colson knew whatever electricity between them, whatever spiritual connection, or tethering of souls would never go away. It was a matter of timing for the pair, thirteen wasn’t the right time for them to get together and it was deflected in a gruesome way, but whatever the temptress of time was planning for Colson and (y/n), he knew he was ready to fall, so he placed their fate in the hands of life, and continued down the street with the gentle graze of her lips pressing like a phantom against his own.

[fashournalist]

Just finished watching To All the Boys I've Loved Before: Always and Forever! Now I can't stop listening to Beginning Middle and End! Sigh, it's perfect for hopeful romantics like you and me.

Also it was my first time to attend a watch party via Scener, thank you for the invite, AJ sist!!! Am happy we got to hang out again even through a virtual movie date. Someday we'll attend film festivals when the pandemic is over, looking forward to the day cinemas open again!!

Time flies indeed. I just finished reading TATBILB book 3 on May 11, 2020 and I couldn't wait for the movie to come out and now it's here!! (Trivia: I shortlisted 30+ books during Big Bad Wolf 2020 but could only afford seven books. So I got six nonfiction (as a nonfic junkie) and only one novel—this was that novel.)

I'm glad it showed that love shouldn't hinder the pursuit of dreams; and they can grow together (both as individuals and as a couple) even when they're miles apart. I've seen people do that. One of my favourite power couples studied at Harvard and UPenn respectively, and their relationship made it. They're now happily married and I'm so happy for them. Relationships like these are goals :))

I can't help but compare the book with the film, but I enjoyed the movie in itself, too. 🥰

Some changes:

It rushed the proposal to Trina;

It totally simplified the promposal to Lara Jean;

It didn't show the initial conflict between Margot and Trina

It didn't show Stormy's passing (would have been a really sad scene huhu) and Lara Jean meeting John Ambrose again.

Lara Jean also gave the memory box instead of making a scrapbook.

Peter didn't give her the best tasting cookie in New York, but it's good she tried it herself.

The film also didn't show the conflict between Lara Jean and Peter's mom.

But if there's a change I liked, it's that Peter told Lara Jean their first ever meeting through the dedication he wrote on their yearbook. In the book, Peter wrote a really short dedication (and Peter gave Lara a hot photo of him so she could post it on her dorm room haha).

I also liked the little film surprise that Kitty had a happy crush on Dae!

Oh and of course, the major changes include the schools. And I actually liked it. Though the book has beautifully captured the campus of the University of Virginia, the plan B with William and Mary, and the plot twist of University of North Carolina, I think changing them to Stanford, Berkeley and NYU made it more relatable to a worldwide audience because they're more globally well-known.

Overall, it's a film that gives you all the feels while at the same time excites you to dream big. It tackles hard topics as well such as dealing with grief and growing up in a broken family.

I felt the bittersweet feeling when a trilogy or series that you love has ended.

I could relate with Lara Jean a lot, especially on the first movie when she never had a boyfriend yet and she was just writing letters. I love letters! And I never had a boyfriend, until today. Never been kissed, never had an MU or whatever haha. Though on the dreaming side, I could relate more with Margot. I'm a huge dreamer and I want to see the world. As for Kitty, I see the little me in her. Mataray, doesn't sugarcoat. But growing up, I've become more of Lara Jean with my quirks and very sentimental self. I'm also a daydreamer like her, and an idealist. Oh and, I'm a homebody! Give me books and movies and they'll be my date haha. Am a hopeful romantic. Although, I don't bake. But I make scrapbooks since I was a kid. I put art in everything I do. And I also wore literal gift ribbons on my ponytail in highschool haha. I hope, like Lara Jean, I find my Peter K someday (or actually, John Ambrose haha). But not anytime soon. Because unlike LJ, I think I want to pursue my master's degrees (yes, plural, that's the plan hahhah and yet here I am not even applying to any school so far) as a single woman haha. Well maybe unless I meet someone who can change how I feel, someone who will not hold me back from reaching my dreams, in as much as I will not hold him back from reaching his. But until then, it's best to be single haha! As a solo traveller, there are still so many countries to see on my own. Okay I'm daydreaming now hahaha!

Thank you, TATBILB and Jenny Han for giving us LJ and Peter K. Thank you for the feels and the pastel aesthetic and the great soundtrack. Thank you for introducing me to Leah Nobel's music!! (Am now in love with Coffee Sunday NYT and Talking to the Dog at the Party, aside from Beginning, Middle, and End!)

I wish I saw more of Josh Sanderson, though (I had a second-lead syndrome during the first film!! And I loved John Ambrose, too. Jordan Fisher is one of the best)

And thank you for making me want to go back to New York because clearly I have only seen less than 0.1% of it :(

I love how you captured a glimpse of NYC's splendor in just a few minutes! Of all the places you showed, it was only Times Square that I've seen in real life. But in time, will be back, experience the city, taste the same cookie Lara tasted—the best cookie in the world. And more. I'm daydreaming again haha! Here's a little selfie I had five years ago at Broadway 😄

For now, will take a break as my Dad and I are scheduled to watch Godfather II after dinner : ) Someday I will take him around the world!!! Amen in Jesus' Name <3

Omg I was just typing this and then Dad told me stories (right now) about his dreams to travel the world and we're going to places for lovers or astronomy. He's one big astronomy junkie, I tell you.

Who needs a date when I have the best date in the world, my Dad!!

Advance happy Valentine's Day, world changers!!

[ickle-ronniekins]

For your writing project about falling in and out of love: I fell in love with a friend (not a close one) I had known for about ten years and I had a crush on him for almost that long, yet I was always too shy to tell him. He was a year older than me and very funny and talented. I remember always laughing really hard at his jokes and when I look back at my favorite moments from high school and middle school (which were some of the darkest years of my life), a lot of them involve him. I always used to always tell myself I couldn’t possibly fall in love with him until after we at least started dating, but there was one day when I watched him perform a song on his acoustic guitar at a concert and it literally felt like we were the only two people in the room, even though it was packed full of people, and that was when I knew I had fallen hard. We were in a few musicals together and were cast as love interests a few times. Though we never kissed or anything for those roles, but I always loved being on stage with him and being able to hold his hand and say all those things that I secretly felt but was too shy to say to him. There were a lot of instances where I accidentally moved towards him during a scene when I was supposed to be standing still or a couple times when I almost kissed him during really charged moments between our characters. I remember once when I held his hand (the first time I did after realizing how I felt about him— there’s a lot of opportunities to hold people’s hands in theater!) I literally felt like fireworks were going off, the same way you feel when you kiss someone.

Part of the reason I never told him was because by the time I got close to working up the nerve, he had a girlfriend. To this day, she was one of the kindest people I have ever known. I didn’t want to disrupt anything because I really cared for them both and wanted them to be happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. I tried to get over him a few times when he was dating her but it was almost impossible whenever we would hang out with our friends, and I always wanted to be his friend if nothing else, so I would bury my feelings. Their relationship really wasn’t the best (they managed to bring out some of the worst aspects of one another) and broke up, but even then I couldn’t feel happy about it because I knew he was hurting and I didn’t want to make a move when I knew he was grieving his relationship. By the time I worked up the nerve again, he started dating a different girl and I felt like my heart had been smashed into a million pieces... but even then, I could seem to get over him. I would get drunk and cry about him at parties and I didn’t believe anyone who told me that I could do better or that I would meet someone better suited for me because it didn’t seem possible... and then the pandemic happened.

The pandemic put a barrier between us and was a very physical sign that made me slowly realize we would never happen as a couple, which was a difficult thing to comprehend. I have always been a romantic and believed in soulmates. By this point in my life, I had convinced myself that he was mine and that it was only a matter of time before we got together, and it was always really easy to slip back into that mindset whenever I saw him again, but with a pandemic disrupting everything, it was easier to actively resolve on getting over him— at first, it was more tabling the idea of getting together in the nearish future but resolving to be with him if things worked out much later in our lives, like in a very rom-comesque way. When I started committing to that, I slowly started to love myself more and realize I had incredibly low self esteem and had overlooked some of his more glaring flaws because I didn’t believe I could find someone who watched my exact standards. I began to understand that we were just also incompatible with one another— for example, I hate being late to the point of showing up incredibly early to things in order to avoid it, whereas he habitually shows up an hour late to just about everything with Starbucks; I always told myself that I could change him, which I know now was an unfair expectation. As time went on and I slowly realized my worth, I also came to realize that even if he were to ever ask me out, my answer would probably be no because I was now just a whole different person who had grown up.

But the falling out of love process was an incredibly painful one. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights. Like I said, I really thought he was my soulmate and that we were really destined for one another, so when I understood that we weren’t, it made me cynical about the whole concept of love for a while because it felt like everything I had ever known about it wasn’t real and that I had been stupid for being so naïve. I was angry with myself for a while and angry at him, too, because I was hard for me to comprehend that I was falling out of love with someone who hadn’t done anything wrong. I had been so convinced that my love for him was so strong that it would take something monumental, like him suddenly revealing himself to be the antithesis of what I thought he was (ex. a cheater, abusive, racist, etc.) for it to ever shake, yet he hadn’t done anything. He occasionally made some poor decisions (like an ugly tattoo or smoking) but it wasn’t anything regarding his moral character that changed who he was. It was me who was really changing and maturing.

I’ve only seen him once since falling out of love, and there were still those lingering feelings of my teenage self lurking beneath the surface. It really threw me off and I found myself distracted by his hands as he played his guitar and my heart would beat fast when he would talk directly to me or blush, but I was more clear-headed than I have been in a long time, almost clinical. I was able to think through my answers to his questions without stammering them out and I was nowhere near as nervous as I once was around him. Part of it might just be my own growth, but certain things he did that I once would have been swooning over didn’t affect me at all. I was upset when I went home because I wasn’t as far along in my moving-on process as I wanted to be and I definitely cried to some sad songs that night, but in the end I was grateful for it because it felt like a check-in to gauge how far along I really was. Back then, I was still in sort of a “maybe one day” phase; now I’m in a “probably not”. I think there’s still a part of my teenage self inside of me yet that still loves, but every day that goes by, I feel less and less like her and more like an adult.

I still sort of feel cynical about love but the one thing that has helped me is reminding myself that I will fall in love again someday with someone who will love me back and he will be right for me. He’s not going to be a perfect person by any means but we will be more compatible. I know I haven’t met him yet but I am really excited to meet my person, even though for the first time in my life I’m enjoying being single. I’m also loving the person who I have become and all the growth I’ve made— for example, a month ago I would have cried while writing and reminiscing about all this, but I didn’t get teary once! As hard and as agonizing as it was at different points, I’m so glad all of it happened because it made me who I am today.

Sorry for writing an entire novel here, I hope it was useful for what you are writing! Have a wonderful day my lovely, I hope this helps you write whatever wonderful thing you are planning!!!! 💜💜💜

this. this is just about the most beautiful thing i have ever read. oh my goodness gracious.

can i tell you lovely anon, that i could physically feel your growth within every single word? the way you described your friendship with this boy in the beginning... it reminded me of how i felt about a boy when i was a teenager. i was head over heels for him, though i never admitted it to myself until years later, after we stopped talking. your feelings felt so genuine and pure and just about every lovely thing you’d expect from a teenage romance. and as i continued reading on through your story and found myself heartbroken for the both of you, i can see just how much you’ve grown -- not only in the sense of recognizing that he wasn’t the one and letting him go, but also realizing your own worth and what you want out of love.

i felt so deeply every ounce of your heartbreak. i remember the boy i loved was with someone the entire time we were friends. i met him when he was in a relationship and we stopped talking just a few months after they had broken up. they were together for years, and i loved him every single second of every single day. that was over ten years ago now. sometimes i think of him and wonder how i’d feel if i ever saw him again. sometimes i feel like a sixteen year old again when he creeps into my thoughts. the nerves sometimes trickle back too, but he’s married now. i didn’t realize it until after we had stopped talking, but i so desperately wanted to be with him, and i was broken for years afterwards realizing we never would be.

please, do not apologize for writing a novel. this is exactly what i was looking for. thank you for being brave and sharing your story with a complete stranger. i’m just in awe of you as a person and your outlook on love.

i have such a difficult time telling myself that i’ll find the right person and he’ll love me and i won’t have to doubt anything. it’s something i struggle with every single dang day. but your words have moved me. you absolutely will find the right person, and he’ll love you and every single thing about you, and you’ll remember this boy who you loved when you were young and remember why you two never ended up together... because the one you’re meant to be with is getting to you as fast as he possibly can.

UGH THIS IS EVERYTHING. it brought me back to years ago. thank you so very much for sharing. this was just so fucking gorgeous jegnolvadnsf i cannot.

[thorne93]

Unforeseen Chasm (Part 50)

Prompt: Two sisters fall for men that are absolute enemies. The love they have could tear all of them apart, or it could bring them together.

Word Count:2925

Warnings: tired reader, flirty gambit, doting Bruce, angry/ jealous tony and loki, arguing and mentions of a fight

Song for this part:There no way-lauv and julia michaels

Note: This is by far the longest thing I’ve ever written (including my novels). It’s a collaboration with the amazing @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​. It started as a funny “What if…?” and it evolved and got huge. This took two years to write. We are both proud and happy and we hope you enjoy it. It follows from Thor 1 to Endgame in the MCU. Some of the timelines may be off in order to fit certain people, and some characters may show up earlier or in different ways than they have in the movie. But for the most part, it follows the MCU. It also has a bit of crossover with some other Marvel characters throughout the story.

Masterlist for Unforeseen Chasm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week had passed at this point, and three more sessions had taken place between you and Shannon. Shannon was nearly bed ridden at this point, doctor’s orders. The treatments were healing her internally, they were helping, but physically, she felt weak. As for you, if they lasted extended periods they could take a toll on you, and most of the time they did wear you out. Keeping your power set to low for long periods of time took a lot of endurance. 

One day after your session you were sitting in bed reading when Remy entered the room with a small box of your favorite candy. “There’s the hero,’ he greeted with a grin. Remy had been around more and more each day and the company was much appreciated as Shannon seemed to sleep off most of her sessions. 

You scoffed. “I’m no hero,” you assured. 

“Not according to that woman,” he stated, pointing to Shannon. “You’re saving her life.” He handed you the candy and sat on the bed. “How you feelin’, darlin’?” 

“I’m hanging in there,” you said with a sigh. “This has to be boring, checking up on the bed ridden girl every day,” you noted with an eyeroll. 

“Quite the contrary. I look forward to this part of the day, every day. Don’t you?” he asked, the hidden meaning in his tone. 

A red hot blush flushed your cheeks before you looked away, refusing to answer. “What have you been up to?”

“Actually learned a new card game. Wanna play?” 

‘Sure, I guess I’m in the mood to get my ass beat,” you joked. 

“Oh come on now, I’ll go easy on you,” he said as he shuffled the cards with showmanship. “We aren’t gonna wake her, are we?” he asked, gesturing towards Shannon with the cards. “If she needs to rest…” 

You glanced to your best friend. “No, I think she’s already in a deep sleep,” you assured. 

“If you say so,” he said with a smile, and you were sure you saw a sparkle shine on his teeth, making you blush again. He caught the shade of red on your cheeks and a bit of color rose to his own before he dealt you in and began to explain the game. The two of you spent all afternoon playing until Shannon woke up, and he dealt her in as well. 

----------------------

A couple of days later, Bruce was in the bedroom, bright and early checking on Shannon. At this point you were sure it was habitual for him. He always greeted you, and checked on you verbally, but he practically doted on Shannon. In one way, it was adorable. In another way, you cringed thinking of what would happen if Tony ever caught Bruce looking at Shannon the way he was right now. 

“Mon cher, you up?” Remy asked, poking his head in the room. 

“Always,” you groaned. “What’s up?” 

“I thought you might like a movie day,” he stated, bringing in a laptop. 

“Movie day? But I thought I had a session?” you asked, looking to Bruce. 

He shook his head. “Actually, that’s a no go today, Y/N/N. Shannon is still too weak from the other day, plus she’s still asleep. You need a day of rest anyway.” 

“That’s all I do is rest,” you groaned. “And Loki hasn’t been by.” 

“I could shoot him a message,” he offered. 

“If you wouldn't mind?” 

“Sure thing. Now, don’t wake Shannon,” he instructed, sternly. 

You saluted him. “Yes, sir.” 

With that, he swept out of the room. 

“Scoot,” Remy ordered in a kind voice, his face lighting up. 

You frowned quickly. He wanted to sit on the bed? “You want to sit here?” you asked, perplexed. 

“No, I thought I’d sit on the floor while we watch movies all day,” he said sarcastically while rolling his eyes. “Yeah, I want to lay next to you. Now scooch.” 

With trembling hands, you picked up the blanket and scooted over to make room for him, throwing the blanket back. He sat down, gave you the laptop, and swung his pajama clad legs under the blanket, getting snuggled. 

An image of Loki appeared in your mind, and you were extremely thankful he wasn’t there in that moment because the attack on New York would pale in comparison to his reaction to this. You slightly shrunk away from Remy at the thought. 

Remy asked what you wanted to watch, but you said he could pick. You were hoping he’d choose action, or comedy - something completely neutral. But he chose a romantic movie, and it made you want to crawl under the floorboards. Every kiss, every touch, every hug made you feel like you were on fire. It took everything in you not to look Remy’s way at some scenes, making you hot under the collar. 

“How about a horror next?” you all but shouted when that one ended. 

“Not a big romance fan?” he asked. 

“Just… want something to get our blood pumping,” you tried, before realizing how that sounded. 

“I might have a thought on how to do that,” he stated, glancing your way. 

Internally, you had died. This couldn’t be happening. 

“I, uh… I think a horror would be good right now. I haven’t seen a good scary movie in a long time. Find me a good one, please?” you requested. 

“As you wish, chere,” he said with a bit of a smirk. 

You glanced to Shannon to make sure she was still asleep, but she was on her side, facing away from you. You tried to take a deep breath. All you had to do was survive movie night… the possibility of that happening was looking bleak. 

----------------------------

When your session had ended the next day, Shannon was about to lay down when Bruce walked in again. 

“Hi, Shan. How are you feeling?” he asked. 

“Actually, I’d really like to go for a walk,” she stated.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” he started, rubbing his neck, not comfortable telling her no. 

“Please? I haven’t been outside in over a week, and we both know it’s not healthy. I need fresh air. You can be right with me to make sure I don’t hurt myself.” 

“I don’t know, Shan--”

“Oh for christ’s sake, take her on a walk,” you ordered. “It’s a walk, Bruce, not storming Normandy beach…” 

With that, Bruce looked back to Shannon, offering his hand. “Alright,” he sighed. “Let’s go.” 

“Have fun,” you called after the two.  “But not too much fun!” you shouted before Shannon leaned back to glare at you. You stuck your tongue out at her. You were just about to lay down when Remy came waltzing in. 

“You’re already in bed?” he questioned incredulously. 

“I’ve had a long day,” is all you answered with. 

“I could do something to take your mind off of it,” he offered as he came in and sat on the edge of your bed. 

“I could just sleep,” you said sarcastically. You adored Remy coming by all the time, but you were worried those old feelings were starting to be new feelings. Loki hadn’t stopped by in almost two weeks, and unless you were texting him first or calling him first, he didn’t talk to you. You were starting to feel forgotten by everyone but Remy. 

“Nonsense. You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Would you want to walk in the garden?” 

“Too hot,” you retorted. 

He put his hand on his chin. “Hmm. We could bake something together…” 

“I’m not supposed to be out of the bedroom for that long.” 

“I know,” he said, pulling is phone out. You peered at him, your eyebrow perked up. 

“What are you up to, Cajun?” 

“Hold your horses,” he ordered before shooting you a sly smile. A song softly filled the room. It wasn’t one you’ve heard before, but it had an amazing tune. He stood from the bed and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?” he asked, his smile making your knees weak -- good thing you were in bed. 

“I don’t know, Remy,” you tried, shaking your head, sounding unsure. You knew why you didn’t want to. “I’m supposed to be on bed rest…”

“It’s a dance, Y/N/N, between old friends. Come on, I’ll go slow.” He reached towards your hands and gently pulled. “You can’t lay around all day. You need some exercise and this is perfect.”  

He pulled you into his arms, your chests pressing together as he held your hand up, and you rested your other hand on his shoulder. He quickly found the beat and began leading you in a delicate slow dance, sometimes twirling you out, and you secretly loved it, all while hating that you loved it….. 

Maybe it was the fact that Loki hadn’t been around lately. Maybe it was because now you two were focusing on your lives and careers rather than each other like when you were in the cell. Maybe it was how sweet Remy had been lately… Whatever it was, it was a dangerous concoction.

The song spilled into the room, and you hadn’t quite registered the lyrics, but you should’ve listened harder to what your friend had chosen… 

You touch me and it's almost like we knew

That there will be history between us two

We knew someday that we would have regrets

But we just ignored them the night we met

We just dance backwards into each other

Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered

You touch me and it's almost like we knew

That there will be history

There's no way that it's not going there

With the way that we're looking at each other

There's no way that it's not going there

Every second with you I want another

But maybe we can hold off one sec

So we can keep this tension in check

But there's no way that it's not going there

With the way that we're looking at each other

I wish I could make the time stop

So we could forget everything and everyone

I wish that the time would line up

So we could just give in to what we want

'Cause when I got somebody, you don't

And when you got somebody, I don't

I wish that the time would line up

So we could just give in

---------------

Meanwhile outside Bruce was keeping a close eye on Shannon. He didn’t think she should be outside just yet. ”I think we should head back inside, Shannon.”

“Bruce, we haven’t even been outside that long. I’m sick of sleeping and just looking at the same four walls,” she said, exasperated. “Please just let me enjoy the fresh air and the sun.” She looked at him.

He gave in knowing well there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to make her happy. “Alright, how about we go a little farther that way. I think you might like seeing the younger kids playing.” He had been walking beside her at a safe normal distance but he couldn't help wanting to get closer. 

“Lead the way.” She smiled for the first time in ages. She felt so comfortable around him she knew he could turn into the Hulk and protect himself if anything triggered her. It’s probably why she’s only let him be this near her.

The two were walking enjoying the sounds of the kids laughing, when Shannon seemed to lose her footing and Bruce was quick to catch her. Worried she’d over exerted herself, he helped her get back up. “Here, why don't we go sit down over there?” He pointed to a little area.

“Yeah sounds like a good idea, seems as though I'm still pretty weak.” She sat down and waited for Bruce to do the same. “Thanks for being here with me, you didn't have to.” 

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He sat down close to her. “You still doing okay?” He looked to her

“You don't mind if I lean on you for a bit, do you?” 

“Not at all.” He moved his arm so she could get comfortable. “Is this alright? Or do you want to lay your head on my lap?” Bruce blushed at the realization of what he asked. “Unless you feel uncomfortable doing that.”

“Actually if you don’t mind, I would like to lay down. It's been a while since I’ve done so.” She scootched further down and was finally comfortable. “This is nice. I’ve missed being outside I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel the sun on my skin.”

Bruce had been watching her enjoy being outside. His hand had gone from being on the grass to her arm and had moved up to her hair slowly he passed his fingers through it and he felt her relax further. He was enjoying this time together and hoped he’d get more moments like these. He knew there could never be more between the two and if Tony caught them he’d never forgive him. So he took what he could get. She looked so beautiful in the sunlight her hair was a shade lighter in the sun it looked almost blonde brown. He kept passing his fingers in her hair and watched her smile at the feeling of the movement.

“This is nice,” was all she said. “I’d like to do this more often if you’d let me, Bruce.”

“So as long as I'm able to make sure you're okay, I don’t see why not.” He smiled down at her.

Just then, Tony was walking through the path with a few things in hand when he noticed Bruce sitting on the grass with someone. The closer he got he realized the person was Shannon. Tony had never felt the way. He didn't know how to react. His wife was lying in the lap of another, a close friend of his at that. He saw how at peace Shannon looked that he didn’t want to ruin her mood. He hadn’t seen her this relaxed in a while. He knew he’d have to have a serious talk with Dr. Banner later on because that was just not acceptable. Bruce was looking at her in a different way and he didn't like that. He thought about how unfair it was that she so openly let Bruce come this close to her, let alone touch her in any way. When he tried it, she would flinch or move away as if she were scared of being touched. What was it about Bruce that made her feel like she won't have anything to fear?

Heading inside to drop things off in the room she was sharing with you, he saw Loki storming out. Tony took the chance to take his anger out on him, needing to let some steam off hoping that the other man can help him relax a bit.

“Hey, Blair witch, where you heading off looking like a kicked puppy?” Tony remarked seeing the other man in the same wavelength of emotion. 

"Not that it's any of your business, Stark, but I'm... I just saw Y/N dancing with someone else."

"Really?" he asked, slightly intrigued, and partly sympathetic. "Who with?"

"I don't recognize him," he answered, his anger shining through as he clenched his fists. 

Tony sighed. "Well, anyone is probably an upgrade from you, right?” he offered, flashing a smile that ate at Loki.

"Same could be said for you," he shot back as he started to walk off. He wasn't in the mood for Stark and his games.

"I'm ready to go any time, anywhere, name the place," he challenged, getting in Loki's face. 

"You're not worth the trouble, Stark," he responded evenly. "You'll have me put back in that cell."

"Nope. It'll be a fair fight. Just you and me. We'll finally settle who's the better man. Unless of course, you already know the answer and you're just afraid this will prove that."  

"I'm not afraid of anything. I'll happily remind you that one of us is a god, and one of us is a human flying in a tin can."

"Then let's do this," he said with a grin. But just when he reeled his arm back, readying the first punch, a deep voice boomed in the halls.

“Hey!” the gravelly, authoritative voice yelled out. “Knock that shit off. If you’re gonna do this, do it right.” Logan approached the two men who cocked their heads at him. “In the ring,” he insisted with a smile. 

 “Did someone say in the ring?” Wade Wilson pops out of a nearby room. “Sounds to me like it’s about to get entertaining!”

“You seriously want us to box?” Tony asked with a bit of a smile. He’d boxed a lot and he was fairly certain Loki didn’t even know what the sport was.

“It’s the only fair way for men to fight,” Logan offered, grinning from ear to ear. “What do you say? You in?”

  “Logan’s right Mr. hot shot, are you gonna be a man and fight in the ring or not?” Wade grins seeing the two men looking ready to kill. “How’s about a little wager Logan?” he turns to the burly man next to him.

“Your on  asphalt face.” Logan grins at the man next to him and turns to lead them to the boxing ring.

Tony and Loki exchanged looks before shaking hands and agreeing to it. A few of the kids in the hall cheered and followed the men into the gym.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag List: @essie1876​ @magpiegirl80​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @iamwarrenspeace​ @marvel-imagines-yes-please​ @superwholocked527 @missinstantgratification​ @thejemersoninferno​ @rda1989​ @munlis​ @thefridgeismybestie​​ @bubblyanarocks3​​ @igiveupicantthinkofausername​​ @kaliforniacoastalteens​ @feelmyroarrrr​​ @kaelingoat-blog​ @friendlyneighbourhoodweirdo​​ @damalseer​​ @heyitscam99​​ @yknott81​​ @sorryimacrapwriter​​ @glitterquadricorn​​ @xxqueenofisolationxx @little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama @bittersweetunicorm​​ @alyssaj23​​ @sea040561​​ @princess76179​​ @thisismysecrethappyplace​​ @sarahp879​​ @malfoysqueen14​​ @ellallheart​​ @breezy1415​​ @marvelmayo​​ @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @cocosierra94 @hardcollectionworldtrash @capsmuscles @marvelloushamilton @paintballkid711​

Loki: @lostinspace33​​ @ultrarebelheart​​ @lenawiinchester​​ @esoltis280​​ @tngrayson​​ @wangdeasang​​ @harrymewmew @jayfantasyatyourservice​​

UC: @lokis-high-priestess​

[saltlamp]

i was tagged by @florenepugh and @wintersoeldiers (thank you ashlyn and arya 🥰 sorry this is a couple days late) to answer the following 73 questions!

my answers are under the cut !!

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? honestly about a 5, i’m working on taking better care of myself and doing all my assignments but there’s nothing good going on

describe yourself in a hashtag? #burntout 

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? nobody 

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? one day at a time

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i’ve never dyed my hair

what’s your wake up ritual? i snooze my alarm until i feel mentally awake, then wash my face and brush my teeth and drink some water, get dressed and make some coffee if i feel like i need it, then get started on whatever i have to do for the day

what’s your go to bed ritual? i wash my face and brush my teeth, then if i really need to sleep i’ll take a melatonin and put lavender into my diffuser

what’s your favorite time of day? midnight

your go to for having a good laugh? john mulaney netflix specials or [fictional characters as] vine compilations

dream country to visit? anywhere in europe, but i really want to go back to peru someday

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? i’m getting a car when i leave for college!!! a new one!!! i still can’t believe it

heels or flats/sneakers? mostly sneakers but sometimes heels make me feel badass. i’m the tallest girl in the room most of the time, so what’s a few more inches?

vintage or new? both

who do you want to write your obituary? leigh bardugo would make me seem a lot cooler than i really am and write my trauma in a beautifully sad way so... i’d love that. 

style icon? ashley from bestdressed on youtube!! (wait ashlyn SAME i’ve been subscribed to her for like three years and my style evolves with hers)

what are three things you cannot live without? my journal, my water bottle, and my airpods

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? ...salt? i don’t cook often

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? i can’t cook so gordon ramsey, guy fieri, and my mom. their reactions would be hilarious in different ways 

what’s your biggest fear in life? abandonment but i should just learn to expect it at this point !! 

window or aisle seat? window

what’s your current tv obsession? i’m between shows at the moment so i’m rewatching she ra

favorite app? minimaList is an app i’ve used since early high school, it’s a to-do list that has a built in pomodoro timer and it’s the best thing in the world.

secret talent? not sleeping for days! that’s a joke i really should work on that... i can also move my ring finger on my right hand in a way that’s hard to describe unless you see it in person. 

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? i’ve hiked all sorts of ~dangerous~ places

how would you define yourself in three words? pensive, quiet, loyal

favorite piece of clothing you own? my mom’s high school track hoodie fits me perfectly and i wear it all the time. i’m wearing it now

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a denim jacket or white sneakers 

a superpower you would want? weirdly specific but i’d want to read personalities, like myers-briggs types or enneagram, upon meeting a person. 

what’s inspiring you in life right now? due dates

best piece of advice you’ve received? make one good friend and everything else will fall into place

best advice you’d give your teenage self? they’re too occupied with themselves to be thinking about you

a book everyone should read? the harry potter series

what would you like to be remembered for? kindness/loyalty

how do you define beauty? outer beauty is somewhat subjective but confidence and intelligence are two universal marks of beauty for me

what do you love most about your body? i really like my legs!

best way to take a rest/decompress? do something familiar, like journaling or taking a shower or washing dishes

favorite place to view art? museums are some of my favorite places on the planet

if your life was a song, what would the title be? no idea. oh wait, that could actually be one

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? i used to play the piano as a kid and i was seen as some kind of prodigy because of my good ear but now i can barely play it, so i’d want to get back into that

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? behind my ear

dolphins or koalas? koalas

what’s your spirit animal? a cat, 100%

best gift you’ve ever received? this is stupid but my brother got me a talking kylo ren thingy for christmas in 2015, not knowing he was further fueling my future obsession with ben solo. to this day it’s one of my favorite useless possessions

best gift you’ve given? honestly anything i give my littlest brother because every time i give him a gift he acts like it’s the best thing he’s ever seen (he’s 11)

what’s your favorite board game? CLUE!!!

what’s your favorite color? lilac, periwinkle, or red

least favorite color? orange

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore makeup

blow-dry or air-dry? air-dry

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? i go through phases, so both!

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? milk. just, think about it. milk. what the heck is that. read it some more. milk. milk. milk. 

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark 

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? winter!!!

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? chipotle burrito bowl

a dessert you don’t like? creme brulee

a skill you’re working on mastering? i’m working on getting better at drawing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to facetime my grandparents just a few minutes ago! i was so relieved to hear they’re doing well and nobody has covid in their nursing home :)

worst thing to happen to you today? i can’t move because of period cramps :)))))))))))

best compliment you’ve ever received? the most common compliment i get (and honestly my favorite) is that i’m a calming person to be around and very trustworthy

favorite smell? lavender, dirt (especially after rain), espresso grounds

hugs or kisses? hugs hugs hugs

if you made a documentary, would it be about? personality types, or maybe differences between modern cultures, or maybe medieval castles

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? i recently watched an adam driver interview from 2017 and since i’m on my period and it’s sad ben solo hours, i cried

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? both

girl crush? zendaya and florence pugh

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve never been in romantic love before, but i can tell i love someone when i feel comfortable enough around them to be myself and talk about my problems

a song you can listen to on repeat? there’s one piece of classical music that i could listen to FOREVER and it WILL be playing at my funeral: albinoni’s adagio in G minor (with organ along with the other strings tho)

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? i wouldn’t switch lives with anyone but if i could be something else for a day i’d be a voice actor or maybe a hermit living in the middle of nowhere centuries ago

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? graduating high school and starting university! i’m more nervously excited but still...

tagging: @omensgood @acrookedsaint @afterglowacoustic @sunstarkov if you guys want!

[mrs-dragneel-stark-solo]

Unforseen Chasm (Part 50)

Part 50 of Unforseen Chasm

Prompt: Two sisters fall for men that are absolute enemies. The love they have could tear all of them apart, or it could bring them together. Word Count: 2925 Warnings: tired reader, flirty gambit, doting bruce, angry/ jealous tony and loki, arguing and mentions of a fight song for this part:There no way-lauv and julia michaels Note: This is by far the longest thing I’ve ever written (including my other fic series). first major Collab with my best friend @thorne93​​ what was first a simple “what if” moment turned into a two year writing session and I’ve never been more prouder of myself than when i started my first series. goes through most of the MCU plots there are some changes to accommodate for what we wanted and there is a bit of a crossover between the MCU and other characters. I hope you guys enjoy reading this just as much as I enjoyed writing it.

A week had passed at this point, and three more sessions had taken place between you and Shannon. Shannon was nearly bed ridden at this point, doctor’s orders. The treatments were healing her internally, they were helping, but physically, she felt weak. As for you, if they lasted extended periods they could take a toll on you, and most of the time they did wear you out. Keeping your power set to low for long periods of time took a lot of endurance. 

One day after your session you were sitting in bed reading when Remy entered the room with a small box of your favorite candy. “There’s the hero,’ he greeted with a grin. Remy had been around more and more each day and the company was much appreciated as Shannon seemed to sleep off most of her sessions. 

You scoffed. “I’m no hero,” you assured. 

“Not according to that woman,” he stated, pointing to Shannon. “You’re saving her life.” He handed you the candy and sat on the bed. “How you feelin’, darlin’?” 

“I’m hanging in there,” you said with a sigh. “This has to be boring, checking up on the bed ridden girl every day,” you noted with an eyeroll. 

“Quite the contrary. I look forward to this part of the day, every day. Don’t you?” he asked, the hidden meaning in his tone. 

A red hot blush flushed your cheeks before you looked away, refusing to answer. “What have you been up to?”

“Actually learned a new card game. Wanna play?” 

‘Sure, I guess I’m in the mood to get my ass beat,” you joked. 

“Oh come on now, I’ll go easy on you,” he said as he shuffled the cards with showmanship. “We aren’t gonna wake her, are we?” he asked, gesturing towards Shannon with the cards. “If she needs to rest…” 

You glanced to your best friend. “No, I think she’s already in a deep sleep,” you assured. 

“If you say so,” he said with a smile, and you were sure you saw a sparkle shine on his teeth, making you blush again. He caught the shade of red on your cheeks and a bit of color rose to his own before he dealt you in and began to explain the game. The two of you spent all afternoon playing until Shannon woke up, and he dealt her in as well. 

----------------------

A couple of days later, Bruce was in the bedroom, bright and early checking on Shannon. At this point you were sure it was habitual for him. He always greeted you, and checked on you verbally, but he practically doted on Shannon. In one way, it was adorable. In another way, you cringed thinking of what would happen if Tony ever caught Bruce looking at Shannon the way he was right now. 

“Mon cher, you up?” Remy asked, poking his head in the room. 

“Always,” you groaned. “What’s up?” 

“I thought you might like a movie day,” he stated, bringing in a laptop. 

“Movie day? But I thought I had a session?” you asked, looking to Bruce. 

He shook his head. “Actually, that’s a no go today, Y/N/N. Shannon is still too weak from the other day, plus she’s still asleep. You need a day of rest anyway.” 

“That’s all I do is rest,” you groaned. “And Loki hasn’t been by.” 

“I could shoot him a message,” he offered. 

“If you wouldn't mind?” 

“Sure thing. Now, don’t wake Shannon,” he instructed, sternly. 

You saluted him. “Yes, sir.” 

With that, he swept out of the room. 

“Scoot,” Remy ordered in a kind voice, his face lighting up. 

You frowned quickly. He wanted to sit on the bed? “You want to sit here?” you asked, perplexed. 

“No, I thought I’d sit on the floor while we watch movies all day,” he said sarcastically while rolling his eyes. “Yeah, I want to lay next to you. Now scooch.” 

With trembling hands, you picked up the blanket and scooted over to make room for him, throwing the blanket back. He sat down, gave you the laptop, and swung his pajama clad legs under the blanket, getting snuggled. 

An image of Loki appeared in your mind, and you were extremely thankful he wasn’t there in that moment because the attack on New York would pale in comparison to his reaction to this. You slightly shrunk away from Remy at the thought. 

Remy asked what you wanted to watch, but you said he could pick. You were hoping he’d choose action, or comedy - something completely neutral. But he chose a romantic movie, and it made you want to crawl under the floorboards. Every kiss, every touch, every hug made you feel like you were on fire. It took everything in you not to look Remy’s way at some scenes, making you hot under the collar. 

“How about a horror next?” you all but shouted when that one ended. 

“Not a big romance fan?” he asked. 

“Just… want something to get our blood pumping,” you tried, before realizing how that sounded. 

“I might have a thought on how to do that,” he stated, glancing your way. 

Internally, you had died. This couldn’t be happening. 

“I, uh… I think a horror would be good right now. I haven’t seen a good scary movie in a long time. Find me a good one, please?” you requested. 

“As you wish, chere,” he said with a bit of a smirk. 

You glanced to Shannon to make sure she was still asleep, but she was on her side, facing away from you. You tried to take a deep breath. All you had to do was survive movie night… the possibility of that happening was looking bleak. 

----------------------------

When your session had ended the next day, Shannon was about to lay down when Bruce walked in again. 

“Hi, Shan. How are you feeling?” he asked. 

“Actually, I’d really like to go for a walk,” she stated.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” he started, rubbing his neck, not comfortable telling her no. 

“Please? I haven’t been outside in over a week, and we both know it’s not healthy. I need fresh air. You can be right with me to make sure I don’t hurt myself.” 

“I don’t know, Shan--”

“Oh for christ’s sake, take her on a walk,” you ordered. “It’s a walk, Bruce, not storming Normandy beach…” 

With that, Bruce looked back to Shannon, offering his hand. “Alright,” he sighed. “Let’s go.” 

“Have fun,” you called after the two.  “But not too much fun!” you shouted before Shannon leaned back to glare at you. You stuck your tongue out at her. You were just about to lay down when Remy came waltzing in. 

“You’re already in bed?” he questioned incredulously. 

“I’ve had a long day,” is all you answered with. 

“I could do something to take your mind off of it,” he offered as he came in and sat on the edge of your bed. 

“I could just sleep,” you said sarcastically. You adored Remy coming by all the time, but you were worried those old feelings were starting to be new feelings. Loki hadn’t stopped by in almost two weeks, and unless you were texting him first or calling him first, he didn’t talk to you. You were starting to feel forgotten by everyone but Remy. 

“Nonsense. You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Would you want to walk in the garden?” 

“Too hot,” you retorted. 

He put his hand on his chin. “Hmm. We could bake something together…” 

“I’m not supposed to be out of the bedroom for that long.” 

“I know,” he said, pulling is phone out. You peered at him, your eyebrow perked up. 

“What are you up to, Cajun?” 

“Hold your horses,” he ordered before shooting you a sly smile. A song softly filled the room. It wasn’t one you’ve heard before, but it had an amazing tune. He stood from the bed and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?” he asked, his smile making your knees weak -- good thing you were in bed. 

“I don’t know, Remy,” you tried, shaking your head, sounding unsure. You knew why you didn’t want to. “I’m supposed to be on bed rest…”

“It’s a dance, Y/N/N, between old friends. Come on, I’ll go slow.” He reached towards your hands and gently pulled. “You can’t lay around all day. You need some exercise and this is perfect.”  

He pulled you into his arms, your chests pressing together as he held your hand up, and you rested your other hand on his shoulder. He quickly found the beat and began leading you in a delicate slow dance, sometimes twirling you out, and you secretly loved it, all while hating that you loved it….. 

Maybe it was the fact that Loki hadn’t been around lately. Maybe it was because now you two were focusing on your lives and careers rather than each other like when you were in the cell. Maybe it was how sweet Remy had been lately… Whatever it was, it was a dangerous concoction.

The song spilled into the room, and you hadn’t quite registered the lyrics, but you should’ve listened harder to what your friend had chosen… 

You touch me and it's almost like we knew

That there will be history between us two

We knew someday that we would have regrets

But we just ignored them the night we met

We just dance backwards into each other

Trying to keep our feelings secretly covered

You touch me and it's almost like we knew

That there will be history

There's no way that it's not going there

With the way that we're looking at each other

There's no way that it's not going there

Every second with you I want another

But maybe we can hold off one sec

So we can keep this tension in check

But there's no way that it's not going there

With the way that we're looking at each other

I wish I could make the time stop

So we could forget everything and everyone

I wish that the time would line up

So we could just give in to what we want

'Cause when I got somebody, you don't

And when you got somebody, I don't

I wish that the time would line up

So we could just give in

---------------

Meanwhile outside Bruce was keeping a close eye on Shannon. He didn’t think she should be outside just yet. ”I think we should head back inside, Shannon.”

“Bruce, we haven’t even been outside that long. I’m sick of sleeping and just looking at the same four walls,” she said, exasperated. “Please just let me enjoy the fresh air and the sun.” She looked at him.

He gave in knowing well there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to make her happy. “Alright, how about we go a little farther that way. I think you might like seeing the younger kids playing.” He had been walking beside her at a safe normal distance but he couldn't help wanting to get closer. 

“Lead the way.” She smiled for the first time in ages. She felt so comfortable around him she knew he could turn into the Hulk and protect himself if anything triggered her. It’s probably why she’s only let him be this near her.

The two were walking enjoying the sounds of the kids laughing, when Shannon seemed to lose her footing and Bruce was quick to catch her. Worried she’d over exerted herself, he helped her get back up. “Here, why don't we go sit down over there?” He pointed to a little area.

“Yeah sounds like a good idea, seems as though I'm still pretty weak.” She sat down and waited for Bruce to do the same. “Thanks for being here with me, you didn't have to.” 

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He sat down close to her. “You still doing okay?” He looked to her

“You don't mind if I lean on you for a bit, do you?” 

“Not at all.” He moved his arm so she could get comfortable. “Is this alright? Or do you want to lay your head on my lap?” Bruce blushed at the realization of what he asked. “Unless you feel uncomfortable doing that.”

“Actually if you don’t mind, I would like to lay down. It's been a while since I’ve done so.” She scootched further down and was finally comfortable. “This is nice. I’ve missed being outside I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel the sun on my skin.”

Bruce had been watching her enjoy being outside. His hand had gone from being on the grass to her arm and had moved up to her hair slowly he passed his fingers through it and he felt her relax further. He was enjoying this time together and hoped he’d get more moments like these. He knew there could never be more between the two and if Tony caught them he’d never forgive him. So he took what he could get. She looked so beautiful in the sunlight her hair was a shade lighter in the sun it looked almost blonde brown. He kept passing his fingers in her hair and watched her smile at the feeling of the movement.

“This is nice,” was all she said. “I’d like to do this more often if you’d let me, Bruce.”

“So as long as I'm able to make sure you're okay, I don’t see why not.” He smiled down at her.

Just then, Tony was walking through the path with a few things in hand when he noticed Bruce sitting on the grass with someone. The closer he got he realized the person was Shannon. Tony had never felt the way. He didn't know how to react. His wife was lying in the lap of another, a close friend of his at that. He saw how at peace Shannon looked that he didn’t want to ruin her mood. He hadn’t seen her this relaxed in a while. He knew he’d have to have a serious talk with Dr. Banner later on because that was just not acceptable. Bruce was looking at her in a different way and he didn't like that. He thought about how unfair it was that she so openly let Bruce come this close to her, let alone touch her in any way. When he tried it, she would flinch or move away as if she were scared of being touched. What was it about Bruce that made her feel like she won't have anything to fear?

Heading inside to drop things off in the room she was sharing with you, he saw Loki storming out. Tony took the chance to take his anger out on him, needing to let some steam off hoping that the other man can help him relax a bit.

“Hey, Blair witch, where you heading off looking like a kicked puppy?” Tony remarked seeing the other man in the same wavelength of emotion. 

"Not that it's any of your business, Stark, but I'm... I just saw Y/N dancing with someone else."

"Really?" he asked, slightly intrigued, and partly sympathetic. "Who with?" 

"I don't recognize him," he answered, his anger shining through as he clenched his fists. 

Tony sighed. "Well, anyone is probably an upgrade from you, right?” he offered, flashing a smile that ate at Loki. 

"Same could be said for you," he shot back as he started to walk off. He wasn't in the mood for Stark and his games. 

"I'm ready to go any time, anywhere, name the place," he challenged, getting in Loki's face. 

"You're not worth the trouble, Stark," he responded evenly. "You'll have me put back in that cell." 

"Nope. It'll be a fair fight. Just you and me. We'll finally settle who's the better man. Unless of course, you already know the answer and you're just afraid this will prove that."  

"I'm not afraid of anything. I'll happily remind you that one of us is a god, and one of us is a human flying in a tin can." 

"Then let's do this," he said with a grin. But just when he reeled his arm back, readying the first punch, a deep voice boomed in the halls. 

“Hey!” the gravelly, authoritative voice yelled out. “Knock that shit off. If you’re gonna do this, do it right.” Logan approached the two men who cocked their heads at him. “In the ring,” he insisted with a smile. 

 “Did someone say in the ring?” Wade Wilson pops out of a nearby room. “Sounds to me like it’s about to get entertaining!”

“You seriously want us to box?” Tony asked with a bit of a smile. He’d boxed a lot and he was fairly certain Loki didn’t even know what the sport was. 

 “It’s the only fair way for men to fight,” Logan offered, grinning from ear to ear. “What do you say? You in?” 

  “Logan’s right Mr. hot shot, are you gonna be a man and fight in the ring or not?” Wade grins seeing the two men looking ready to kill. “How’s about a little wager Logan?” he turns to the burly man next to him.

“Your on  asphalt face.” Logan grins at the man next to him and turns to lead them to the boxing ring.

Tony and Loki exchanged looks before shaking hands and agreeing to it. A few of the kids in the hall cheered and followed the men into the gym.

Unforseen Chasm Tag list- @reigningqueenofwords​ @oldfreakything​ ​ @adefectivedetective​ @dontbetooobvious​

Tag list- @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you​ @winchester-writes​ @winchesterenthusiast​ @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog​   @sammysbuttcheek​ @misz-adrii​ @sandlee44​ @womanxofletters​ @natsuccs​ @childishhoebinoo​ @expecteddifferent​ @girl-next-door-writes​ @fanaticfanfiction​ @dakotapaigelove​ @sassy-spn-knight-of-hell​ @reigningqueenofwords​ @oldfreakything​

Marvel: @reigningqueenofwords​ @flowerbunbunny​ @zelda2248​ @misz-adrii​ 

[carndriverrecords]

First Blog Post 3/20/20

Started CnD Records today. Feels Good.

Working on some diss tracks. Not sure if they see it coming - doesn’t matter either way.

Planning to release Car and Driver first real record this Friday 3/20/20. Driving Test Driver Fest 1. 

Self release first record - another 20 tracks next week. Compile top 10 - 15 for first release with other label - thinking Terrible, Kranky, blu ish label or Thrill Jockey. Citrus City a no-go for now. Maybe just keep building CnD records.

Be the middle man - take advantage of opportunities without sacrificing my bands’ (and those I represent) integrity.

Reach sleep destroyer.

Last night at Ted’s - great DJ set. Kidz bop remixes, Fancy. Crowd hated it. Ted disappointed we had to leave but it’s ok with everyone. Tall guy took aux right out of computer, have video. Started dancing - cucked everyone. Everyone thinks they’re the crazy charismatic guy. Am I actually? I think so. Syd thinks so. 

CnD Fest 2 , 3 , 4 at Purchase and beyond. Would like to play apartments, Scully’s den in BK (reach out) and Philly, DC etc.

Next voice memo album - 20 - 25 tracks right now. Better than the first. Danny said best album ever.

Working on “My oh Maia Reason Why” video - my favorite video I’ve ever seen. Getting good feedback.

Important to collab with certain SUNY people before I go:

Members of Lip Critic, Dawson, Neal, Gabe.

Send stuff back and forth with Joseph Kress. 

Need to write song about not sharing a stage w unstable Car and Driver - cost me 2 gigs. Ok because I had the police interaction that night. 

Things have been working out quite well. Syd is keeping me in check. Main priorities are keep the energy going while I can and make sure everyone around me is comfortable with me doing my thing, specifically mom, sofia.

Going to Only Angels tomorrow to collab with Alex.

Tues/Wed in RI with Zach Gorton. Need to see Nick Holcomb, Sofia, Will Orchard if he’s around. Riley in Boston? Would love to. 

Visit Dad soon on the way to Richmond, in a few weeks perhaps. Grandma Roberta etc. They have a BBQ place now - I bet it’s great. 

Follow up in the morning (3 hours from now) with wedding band, Kevin Daniels, drummer etc.

Film sunrise sessions at Purchase: My Ride’s Here, Splendid Isolation, Keep me in your heart, Studebaker, Cat’s in the Cradle, Everybody that you know. Don’t think twice, Boots of Spanish Leather, Someday my Prince, Teenage Dirtbag, Arthur (Woof Woof), Forget You, Signed Sealed Delivered, Superstition, The Promise, Hold me now (TT), Love on Top, Townes Van Zandt, 1-800 superstar, Evan Wright, Tom Petty, Blinded By the Light, Searching for a Heart, Mag Field’s, Barenaked Ladies, TMBG, Dolly Parton one sided love, Byrds, Beatles, Kinks, Stones, Parquet Courts, T Swift (Red, Way I loved you), Mitski, Sasami, Anything Could Happen, Beach House, He Needs Me, These Days, YLT, Beach Boys, Big Star Take Care, G500/Luna, Felt, Psychic TV, Shelia, BJM, Yellow Sarong, Over and Over, Hazel St, Heatherwood, Helicopter, He Would’ve Laughted, I wanna be your lover, The pump, Good enough (sleep destroyer), Them airs, BH (14, indian summer), help me scrape mucus off my brain), Beach Comber, DO YOUR THING, Icehead, Bobby, 1000 times, WIll Orchard, Bon Iver, MGMT, Tame impala, Instant Crush, etc. Art Vandelay, Quick Canal, Stereolab, Grouper, Broadcast, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Bachelor Kisses, Cranberries, Cure, Pastels, MBV, I found a reason, pale blue eyes, Deerhoof, Gretel Alex G, Dancing w tears in my eyes, Elvis Costello, No age(things i did), Are ya ok, Maus, Ariel, R Stevie, Aphex Twin, Zomes, Vampire Weekend etc.

Bring Laptop for Beats on some and lyrics for all. 

Love life more than ever before. Music feels so good. Want to help, make amends, everything that moondog did. Don’t be homeless much longer.

Not sure if I like throbbing gristle - definitely like Psychic TV.

How savage should diss tracks be? Very? Match the severity of the person’s treatment of me/others. Aka - pretty bad for all except for Auto.

Listened to new Kanye today - 10x better and more influential than death grips. 

Realized today that i’ve spent my whole life wishing I was Kanye and now I am Kanye. Feels very good.

Everyone is gifted but internet makes us angst. 

I am mostly Camus right now - maybe more Kierkegaard soon. Religion and Terrence Malik. Still need to read books.

Order of Books: The graduate Portrait of the artist Consider Lobster Infinite Jest Pynchon Ulysses (At recommendation of American gamer association)

Syd is incredibly gifted. Want to help her feel comfortable doing art/work here in the chaos but also sort out the chaos for both of ours’ sake. I thrive in it, she tolerates well. Want to move to Riverdale still, maybe East Williamsburg with Backpack Chris. We’ll see about money. Philly perhaps, little too far. Jersey is good location but bad commute. Bad to RI. 

Visit RI and Boston Tues - Thurs. Sell Cigarettes at Concerts. Feels right.

Keep smoking for now - quit end of summer perhaps. 

Don’t have Corona Virus - glad we are not quarantined. Still be smart. Don’t expose mom regardless. Protect at ALL costs. 

Really though, why does Journee hate me? Write new track (Journee into forever nevermore not now not ever (Lou)) or Journee into SJW self righteous moral posturing (way too savage - maybe voice memo outro)

AR Kane album is incredible. Syd loves too. Sample everything.

Crazy - sound better at jazz than ever in my life. Exploring harmony - never practice. Teach free lessons all the time. Love the diminished scale. Might be best jazz guitarist to ever live. Time will tell. Would be cool long term. Prefer singing. 

Getting good at piano too.

I’m my favorite lyricist/comedian/actor.

Is maia right, acting isn’t hard? Weird they can’t act.

^Remember to delete^

Don’t share this on Facebook yet.

Why does Journee hate me so much? Just the Louis CK joke?

People who stay home and do nothing hate to see irreverent people doing things.

People like when you’re losing - don’t like to see you win.

^That makes me sound crazy.

F00D outsider might make me famous first.

Need to keep up with legal situation.

Hope mom and dad both live long. Call Syd, get something nice for everyone in family. Get weird jewel cases. Order jewelry from etsy. Post merch on bandcamp.

Finish album art soon. Music videos. Get better at animation etc. Pay Ben for his poster. Actually really good. Maybe album art? Duo album! Record in Wisconsin, release under his name. WIll success be good for Ben? I think so. Still can’t believe Liv told him I wasn’t ok. Wow - good content for lyrics. You truly cannot write this.

How will people react to diss tracks? Extremely negatively. Or no reaction. We shall see. Maybe no real names in the titles...... only on Oh my. 4 names in titles is too many. Don’t release Auto track. Maybe on Voice Memos. 

Track List: Good God Bed Head Rosa Reprise Oh My House Pop 1 skydive Pop 2 APhex GVO Pay 4 Take some Cherish Stars in F Are ya ok too bright Honeys Get to work Everybody That You Know Frost Bit BPC NYC New Age Heimet Helmet Deadbeat dads watermill for slitting bars romantic song david byrne Cinema study in cinema Brain ego Cherry doc marten Can’t liv w/o Venmo groceries Oh you like? Dancin DJ blues We are the State Farm robots Danny dorito is a dirty devito My funny valentine Zoomer blues The thing abt genres Blss Like minds ft dawson Lil toucha jazz Introducing car and driver The holy moment empire Ethics 101 - gma in the street Otto is sad I don’t know what it means! Operatic mellismatic Car and driver fest will be a success! Car and driver fest was a bust again! Cipha’s comedy corner Ryder Be gone evil atonal spirits!

Unreleased mental breakdown compilation ep:

I like all music! I’m a stupid pos Electric micro bike Get off your phone! John frusc Nice song Lap steel for 2 My masseuse advice Bed head wash sq Punchie John Maus yoyo interview Diminished  kinda thing

Build the NYC scene, w Blu ish, Evan, 1 800, sweet joseph, Comics Club, Dawson, Sloppy Jane, Wheatus,

See Jack Fortin in NYC soon. Either my event or his. 

Things are still good. Syd will be a great filmmaker. WIll maybe will end up with a dancer or a filmmaker - Probably not a musician. WIll have many loves. 

Things are good right now - hope they stay that way. 

Feel like Ezra Keonig - hopefully someone reads this one day and agrees. Different time in history and the internet - hope this is less cringe than Ezra’s blog , probably not. Ezra, if you’re reading this, sorry. See ya at Bernie’s rally. 

[btsjfans]

Class Clown pt. 11

pt 10

masterlist

Summary: The class clown Taehyung has a lot more going on than anybody realizes, especially you, the class valedictorian. 

Taehyung x Reader, fluff/angst

this one’s gonna be a lil more angsty guys buckle in, i teared up writing this, I was listening to Numb and Sad by XXXTenation to get into the mood. On a side note those are great songs, highly recommend his new album.

Taehyung

I check my watch again, and again as the day goes on. Whyyy does he have to keep her away from me for so longggkggg?? I hate him. I really do. 

After feeling sorry for myself for a few hours, I decide to surprise her. I rush back to her apartment and pull out as many ingredients from her cupboards as I can, trying to figure out what to make her. 

I decide to go simple with macaroni and cheese, and I put the other ingredients back, opting for a classic Kraft Mac’N Cheese box. We might not have our day of adventures, but we’ll have a little adventure regardless.

you

Xavier pulls away from the kiss, smiling in admiration. The fairy lights catch in his green eyes, and his hand gently caresses the side of your face. 

You reach up, touching your lips gently, your face on fire. 

“I knew we had a connection Y/n, you can’t tell me you didn't feel fireworks just now. What just happened was written in the stars, okay? This was written in the stars, you and I.” His voice is soft, and yet it cuts through the sounds of the city. 

“Xavier...I..I..talk later, okay? H-happy birthday!” You step back, flustered, as you grab your purse, before taking off in a brisk walk down the sidewalk, hailing a taxi. What will you do?

You get back to the university around 8:30, stressing out. Should you tell him? Should you just pretend it never happened? You pause outside of the door of your dorm, taking a shaky breath. You decide to not tell him and just move on.

You open the door, and gasp, seeing Taehyung sitting at your dinner table, you nice bowls and plates out, holding a tossed salad on one plate with a bowl of macaroni and cheese on the side, and wine in your nice cups. There were two candles, and a bouquet of roses on the table, with soft jazz playing, adding a cinematic magic to the romantic scene before you.

And that’s when you broke down.

Taehyung

I expected a happy smile from her when she came in, not a full on breakdown. She walked in, looked at me, and crumbled, covering her face in her hands, and wailing. Of course I was up and around her in seconds, holding her and asking what was wrong, but all she did was apologize for something I couldn't make out. 

After 5 minutes of apologizing, and body shaking cries, she finally got to a speaking state of being. We sat on the couch together as she collected herself.

“Taehyung, you know I love you, you know I want nothing more than to be with you, and to be happy, and I would never cheat on you, but-”

“But what?” His eyes narrow, and his calm, warm demeanor darkens. You feel your courage wither, and your face heat up as tears fill your eyes.

“Xavier kissed me and-” Taehyung interrupts you, swearing and standing running a hand through his hair and pacing. “And I kissed him back and I don't know what happened to me, or why but look Taehyung it meant nothing to me, and he means nothing to me and I will stop seeing him and--wait. Taehyung wait where are you going?!” You get up as Taehyung walks to your room, coming back with his bag, shoving past you. “Taehyung stop! I love you stop!” Your voice becomes hoarse and you grab his arm pulling him back. He whips around, fire in his eyes. 

“You love me? You love me but you kissed him back? You love me but you blew me off on our day? You love me but when I get here after driving almost 2 hours I see him with his arm around you? God Y/n!” He pulls his arm out of your grip, sighing and covering his face with his hands. 

“Tae-Tae..” You say his nickname softly, tears streaming down your hot cheeks. 

“We need a break. We’ll talk again. Someday. But for now..just..we need a break.” He sighs and walks out, not looking back at you. The door slams shut behind him, marking an end to your relationship.

It was over. 

Taehyung

I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her

i love her

i miss her

i should turn around

i should make things right

i can't live without her

i need her

I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate him

this is his fault not hers

but she kissed him back

she wants him

she needs him

its too late

My head swims with these thoughts as I drive back. I have to pull over twice because I’m blind with tears. She was my soulmate! I wanted to marry her when college was done! I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her damn it! You know what my life was going to look like? I would wake up every morning to her sweet face mouth breathing next to me every day. I would set my alarm 30 minutes earlier than needed so I could spend more time in bed with her. I would come home from a long day of work every day to see her, also tired from work. I’d kick off my shoes and run into her arms, and hold her while she told me about her day. We’d take turns making dinner. We’d raise a family. We would travel.  We would’ve been happy.

I finally pull in around 8pm, and I sit in the car wiping my tears for a bit before I go in. 

‘Have you been crying?’ ‘Tae are you okay?’ ‘Are you high?’ I hear it all as I walk into the dorm. I just laugh and grab some beer from the fridge before plopping on the couch, asking about everybody else’s weekend.

Time to forget.

You curl up on the couch and ball, calling Beth, who apparently wasn't even sick today. She comes over immediately, and you text Amari the news.

She brings over ice cream and other comfort foods, and lets you cry it out as you stuff your face. 

The next 3 days are like that. Comfort foods and tears, comfort foods and tears.

Beth deleted all your pictures of and with him from your photo album, and archived all of your posts with him on instagram. She took his picture out of your room, and basically de-Taehyung-ed your whole life. The only evidence he had been there were the scars on your heart. 

You already had missed 3/5 days of your classes, so you decided to just sit the rest of the week out, which you would never have done before.

Beth sends you notes and records all the lectures, so for the weekend you just throw yourself in catchup work. Your phone blows up with texts and calls from Xavier, which you ignore. You don’t even know what to do about him. 

You didn’t realize how much time went into him. Your hour long phone calls, texting all day, planning your weekends, your spontaneous facetimes, writing love letters. 

You seem to spend most of that time staring at the wall feeling empty now. You never thought you’d be the one to let a boy wreck you, but Taehyung didn’t just wreck you. He completely destroyed you. 

It felt like as he walked out the door that night, so did your happiness. Your motivation. Your imagination.Your future. 

When you told this to Amari on the phone, she scoffed in disbelief. When she had gone through breakups you’d comforted her right out of these states with ease, and she could not believe you were this down over a guy. But what she didn't get was that he was more than just a guy. You really thought he was the one. And that was something Amari had never had with a guy. 

You wondered if it was even humanly possible to feel this way. To feel this alone. To feel this alienated. 

Taehyung

I’m a douchebag. But more than that I’m an asshat. I could easily go on, but frankly I don't care. Now that I don’t have Y/n I don’t really care too much about most things. I pretty much just went to Yale for her, so now I’m just here so I can get a bangin’ job and earn the big bucks after I graduate. 

This whole time I’ve been in college I knew I was a hit. I knew girls wanted me, and instead of giving them what they want I just hung around my bros at parties. But now? I’m living! I’m finally getting the college experience every man deserves. Parties with the rich every weekend? Uh, don’t mind if I do.

Yeah, I know I should be sad, I did lose the most amazing girl ever, but after the life I’ve had I’ve learnt not to linger on the bad stuff. I think I’m reverting to old habits; I’m hiding behind my humor and just kinda fratting around like I did in high school. 

The first night was the worst. That night I really knew what I’d lost and it sucked. I didn't sleep. I just talked with my bros and drank til they went to bed. Then I just looked out the window and drank til the sun came up. I was worried if I kept drinking I wouldn't be able to stop, so I cut myself off (I’m not in the business of becoming like my dad)

When Y/n and I became a thing, I became soft. I forgot how cruel the world is. Upon losing her I remembered that the world didn't stop to comfort the broken, and life was gonna keep coming regardless of if I was ready or not, so moping would get me nowhere. Neither will partying but it sure is a lot more fun than sitting and thinking about how she’s probably in his arms right now. Plus it’s a lot harder to think about her and him when I have a hot girl making out with me. I’ve kinda stopped obsessing over her now, but Thanksgiving weekend is coming up soon, so I’ll have to face her then. I’ll be fine.

A week had passed and you’d finally gotten the courage to face the world again. Class with Xavier and Beth was awkward, but you guys managed. Your dorm mates said you should test a relationship with him, or try dating around now that Tae was gone, but you weren't sure. You knew dating would help you get over him, but you weren't sure if you wanted to get over him. You also weren't sure if dating Xavier would solve your problems. 

Thanksgiving weekend was coming up though, so seeing Amari would definitely help you sort things out. 

You talked to Beth about this as you walked out of class when Xavier grabbed your arm. 

“Hey uh I know things are kinda awkward right now but can we talk?” His green eyes sparkled, and he smiled shyly. A lock of his blonde hair fell into his face from it’s perfect style. Beth squeezes your hand and nods, waving and walking off.  “Sure, lets talk.” You smile, deciding it would be best to smooth things over. The two of you start to walk across the green grass of the courtyards, passing students and buildings as you walk around. 

“Look, I know what I did was..unacceptable to say the least. I know you and Taehyung had a very strong relationship, but like...god Y/n I really care about you. And I know if we gave us a shot, we could get something magical from it.” You open your mouth to speak but he raises a hand to stop you. “Wait. I understand that you’re in a sensitive time, so just think about it and..just give me a chance someday okay? But my first priority here is our friendship. I miss you. I miss our trio, you, Beth, and I. I don’t want that gone. I want us all to move on like nothing happened, okay?” His eyes searched yours as he finished, and he chewed on his bottom lip delicately, frown lines forming between his brows as he awaited your response. 

“Xavier, I would love that.” You smiled, and felt your heart flutter as he reflected your smile, putting an arm around you as you guys continued to walk, talking about life. 

Both Beth and Xavier’s families were out of the country for the holiday, so they came home with you for Thanksgiving. The drive home was a lot of fun, and you’d been invited to a party of all your friends when you got back, so you couldn't wait to introduce Beth and Xavier to everybody. 

You guys spent your first day back settling in and talking to family and Amari, but the next day was the party. It was at Jin’s huge house, so you suspected Tae would be there. Needless to say you hoped this could be when you guys get back together, though you didn't let on to that. You drove the three of you to his house around 8, when it started. When you’d arrived at 8:15, it was already in full swing. People ran up to you and hugged you, begging for details of Columbia, and eying up Beth and Xavier. You excitedly caught up with them all, but your eyes searched for Taehyung.

You didn't see him at all through the night, but you knew he was there. You could feel it with your creepy ex-girlfriend 6th sense. You lost track of your friends as you got sucked into a crowd of popular kids from school you didn't really know too well. As you bumped through the crowd, you hit one couple making out especially hard. 

“Oh I’m so sorry--” The words died coming out of your mouth as you saw who it was. Taehyung’s cheeks were rosy from the liquor, his eyes were hooded and relaxed, and a sly smirk graced his lips as he pulled away from the mystery girl, who merely giggled. His eyes flickered for a moment as he registered it was you, before he winked and went back at it with her, his hands gripping her sides, pulling her closer. You felt tears spring to your eyes when you saw Xavier. You ran over to him and cupped his face in your hands, kissing him deeply. 

People cheered around you, Hoseok cackling and yelling the loudest, “GET IT Y/N!” 

You felt his eyes on you as Xavier pulled you close, and yet you didn't care. 

Taehuyng

I felt bad seeing her, though the hot liquor coursing through me softened the blow of seeing her so hurt. I couldn't help it, something inside me wanted her to feel how I felt. Kissing this girl (whatever her name is) certainly wasn't satisfying, and making Y/n feel bad made it even less enjoyable. When I heard Hoseok say her name, and heard the crowd cheer, I looked up to see him kissing her.  

What’s he even doing in my town? In my best friends house? With my girl? I must have started towards him, cause I felt a pair of arms grab me and and pull me back. It was Yoongi.

“She’s not yours anymore,” his lips said. 

The world felt like it was in slow motion. His words processed slowly as my eyes captured the scene. She’s not mine.

My heart broke all over again.

The party finally drew to a close around 1am. You sat outside on a balcony when you heard a door open behind you. Jin smiled and walked out next to you. 

“Enjoy the party?” His eyes shined in the moonlight. 

“Brought back a lot of memories.” You mused. 

“You know we aren't in high school anymore right?” His words startled you.

“Yeah?” You laughed a little, glancing at him, but he wasn't amused. 

“Then you two need to stop acting like it.” He left without another word. 

The rest of break went by really quick. Thanksgiving was the next day, and you guys stayed another day after. You hung out with some closer friends after before you drove back up. Jin’s words haunted you every time Xavier’s hands were on you, which seemed like they were a lot. 

Life on campus changed for you now that you were Xavier’s girl. Girls seemed to openly envy you as they watched you and him walk hand in hand down the campus sidewalks. Instead of walking as your trio after class, Xavier would pull you down the sidewalks twirling you and making you laugh. While you missed Taehyung, it was nice to laugh and have somebody love you. Xavier really was sweet, not to mention handsome. You also couldn’t help feeling butterflies with him, you could see yourself falling hard for him.

You were just pondering this and pausing from texting him about tomorrow’s date when your phone lit up with a call. You smiled expecting it to be Xavier, but felt your heart stop when you saw the name at the top of the screen. You hit the green button, feeling your heart in your throat. 

“Hey,” You whisper.

“Let’s talk.” the voice said.

You forgot how much Taehyung’s voice melted you. 

[miss-m-and-her-blog]

He’s My Girl (Chapter 11)

TITLE OF STORY: He’s My Girl CHAPTER: 11 AUTHOR: miss-m-and-her-blog WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: AU Actor!Tom GENRE: Romance, Action, Drama FIC SUMMARY: He’s a guy, she’s a boy in disguise. He’s an actor, she’s a stuntman or -woman. How can it ever work when the famous Tom Hiddleston stars in an action film, with Charlie or Charlene as his stunt choreographer?  RATING: T WARNINGS/TRIGGERS/AUTHORS NOTES: Just a little fun fact, I based LilyShimmers character from a certain Youtubber and make-up artist, Bretman Rock, and I just really really like him ^_^ Anyways, happy reading, dearies :D

FEEDBACK/COMMENTS: 

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The stunt team along with Tom and Julian were preparing for an action sequence that they will shoot along the Thames that afternoon. The whole production team is also there and are preparing for the shoot. They were all scattered along the banks of the Thames near a bridge, while the cinematographer Josh Lang; one of the executive producers, Audrey Lomax, and also George formed a semi-circle not far away from the crew that is in ingress of the equipment. They were all conversing on how the scene for today would be shot and George is relaying them how he would direct it.

The trio of Tom, Julian, and Charlie, who stood on a low embankment, observed as the higher people of the production talked. They saw that the topic of the fight choreography came up, and Al was called upon to explain things.

Julian saw how George’s eyes lit up when Al joined in, he nudged Tom at his sides, “Do you see what I see?”

Tom also noticed it, but he saw Al and George held each other’s gazes for the time they talked.

“Love is in the air,” Tom whispered with a smile.

Charlie heard that, and he halted from stretching, “What is in the air?”

Tom placed a hand on Charlie’s shoulder and nodded at Al and George’s direction. Charlie saw it and a smile appeared on his face.

Charlie placed his hands on his hips, then Tom spoke up, “By the way, how’s the Secret Admirer mission coming in?”

Julian and Charlie looked at each other, then Charlie replied, “It’s going well.”

“How long are you going to send letters to Gwen?” Then he turned to Julian who stood farther to the left, “Aren’t you going to make another move or just keep sending love-nothings to her?”

Julian’s chin trembled a little, thinking that the letters won’t just work their magic alone. Then he blew a raspberry, he has not much of ideas on how to make the next move.

“What if you introduce yourself finally?” Charlie thought aloud.

Tom had a sly smile on his face, “Ahh, that’s a good one. Then, you’ll finally confess what you really feel for her! Come on, man, that would be the most romantic thing that you would do for a girl; think of it, you’d charm Gwen’s pants off!”

“Hey! Watch it!” Julian warned with his index finger raised.

Both Charlie and Tom laughed out loud, Julian scowled a little as the two playfully bullied him.

Then, Charlie said, “No, seriously, though; you have to confess to her one way or another. You can’t keep yourself hidden in love letters.”

“Maybe we could arrange something for you and Gwen! I’ll talk to Paula, maybe she can help, besides they are always together and she can come up with something.” Tom presented a wonderful idea for them.

Julian had the warmest smile on his face, making his olive-green eyes light up. “Guys, thank you so much for helping me.”

Charlie tapped Julian’s tall shoulder, “Don’t mention it.”

“And you, I haven’t thanked you yet for writing the letters. Gwen wouldn’t probably read everything I wanted to tell her if I wrote the letters, because I have the most terrible handwriting.” Julian held out his palms as he is making a point.

“Yeah, you do have terrible handwriting, Jules.” Tom joked.

“Look who’s talking.” Julian retorted, and after a while, they were back at bullying each other again.

After a few minutes, they saw Gwen, a fair creature in a white shirt and black jeans, walking over the gray and dull embankment. Julian had to make sure he still breathes as Gwen’s red-gold hair was a sight in the middle of the grayscale palette of the Thames.

When she came up to them, she had a piece of long paper in her hand and a pen tucked at the folded part of the paper.

“Hi, Charlie.” She daintily murmured to Charlie who stood in the middle of Tom and Julian.

Tom and Julian felt out of place for a moment, and Tom waved his hand wildly at her, “Uhm, hi, Gwen? We’re here, too.”

Gwen side-eyed Tom for a moment, then, she handed them the piece of paper, “Here’s the list for the pledges for the potluck.”

George and Audrey had suggested a potluck dinner for the New Year’s Eve celebration for the cast and crew, which is evidently would be celebrated there in London. The list already came through Paula and she pledged for the main course of the potluck, while Ian, as they read it from the list; had pledged five cases of beer. Charlie held the list and saw the part Stunt team pledges at the upper right corner of the paper.

“I better go ask Al what we would pledge for the potluck.” He muttered as he hurriedly went down the embankment to run to Al who is still talking to George.

Julian only fixed his gaze upon Gwen, who’s now brushing a wild strand of red hair away from her face, while Gwen and Tom had their eyes on Charlie and Al who are now talking about the list. They saw Al dictate something to Charlie which he wrote with one leg propped to a rock so it could stand as something he can write on.

After dictating, Al nodded to Charlie. He returned to the embankment to hand out the list to Gwen.

“Here you go.” Charlie placed the list and the pen on Gwen’s hand.

“Thank you, Charlie.” There was no denying that Gwen becomes soft-spoken and more charming whenever she’s talking to Charlie.

Julian could only hold back as he can see that Gwen is just so smitten with Charlie.

Tom cleared his throat and asked Gwen, “Gwen, is Paula there, in her trailer?”

“Yeah. You can come back with me if you’re coming for her.” Gwen offered, looking over Charlie’s shoulder to Tom.

Tom now walked towards Charlie and Gwen. They both left together afterward, but Gwen looked back at Charlie with a sweet smile on her face.

Charlie stood beside Julian, he tapped Julian’s shoulder again now with sympathy.

“Don’t worry, man. Someday, she’ll know how much you love her. Don’t get all teared up.” Charlie cooed.

When they got to Paula’s trailer, Gwen entered first, then she saw Tom, just behind Gwen.

She had her lips parted but her face had a steady expression when she saw Tom. They haven’t talked yet since she came back to London yesterday.

Gwen didn’t pay attention to the subtle tension between the couple; instead, her eyes were glued to the list. She was studying Charlie’s handwriting.

“Hi, hon. Heard you got back.” Tom carefully found his place near Paula who is sitting in front of her mirror stand.

“I did.” Her words were concise yet still emotionless.

Meanwhile, Gwen had a sudden realization that she already saw Charlie’s handwriting before.

Her scurrying distracted Tom and Paula from having a moment; then, they saw her holding a sticky-note that was stuck to a venti-sized cup of Espresso that her secret admirer gave her this morning, while she compared it to the list.

“Charlie is my secret admirer!” Gwen shouted out with joy as if she just discovered something so scientific.

Tom and Paula's attention went to her; Tom had a horrified look on his face, while Paula, bit her lip with annoyance.

“Oh, Paula! It’s Charlie! Charlie is my secret admirer!” Gwen was jumping around the trailer.

Tom, who realized that the secret admirer plan is starting to backfire, immediately spoke up, “How so? Are you really sure, Gwen? How come I don’t know anything about this?” Tom tried to sound innocent.

Gwen happily showed Tom the sticky note and Charlie’s handwriting on the list, “Look! The a’s and e’s are the same! Even the strokes of his writing!” Gwen sighed like she just reached cloud-nine.

Tom gulped down; it was most likely to happen when it’s Charlie’s handwriting that they used for all the letters Julian meant for Gwen. Paula, calmly tucked her hair behind her ear, “Uhm, Gwen? Can you leave us for a moment, I have to talk to Tom.” She still tried to sound kind.

Gwen was a bit embarrassed but she only nodded with a smile and left the trailer, with the list and the sticky note in her hands.

When they were finally alone, Tom took Paula’s hand.

“Why didn’t you called me? Or even texted me? Paula, hon–”

Paula flinched away from his touch, “I don’t want to talk about my mother, I told you that.”

Tom know knelt in front of Paula, like she is a goddess he is ready to worship anytime, “Then we won’t talk about her. I’m just wondering why this? Why is it like we just had a fight when we really didn’t?”

Paula had no answer for that. She finally let Tom hold her hand.

Tom flashed her his most sincere smile and Paula couldn’t help it, she melted right there and then. He slowly stood up and took Paula in his arms, “Come here hon… I missed you, very much.”

His arms circled around her waist, then she hung her arms around his neck. Tom swooped down to place a kiss on her lips. After he had kissed her, Tom made Paula’s head lay on his chest when he started brushing her hair with his hand.

“I love you so much, Paula,” Tom whispered to her as if she is the most precious thing that had been bestowed to him.

Paula looked up to him, “I love you more, Tom.”

Tom’s lips stretched into a bright smile beaming down at Paula. He embraced her again and inhaled her sweet scent that had filled his nostrils.

Two weeks later…

The shoot for the day has ended, and the crew and cast are just lounging near Ord street in Chinatown, Los Angeles, near some a rented building where it was made to look like it was abandoned and dilapidated; while Ian, who’s once again all over Charlie, is challenging him to a mock fight.

"Come on, Charlie! Just one!“ Ian begged.

Ian had been enchanted once again as Charlie had his hair cut, with the same style as Park Bo-Gum. Of course, it drives him crazy to see how hot Charlie can get.

Charlie agreed to it and they started doing the stunt choreography that Al taught Ian.

Meanwhile, Tom was just watching the two of them as he sat in a folding chair with Paula, in her full costume; they were reading their lines together for the shoot tomorrow, and the banter between Charlie and Ian is distracting Tom.

When Charlie had his back on Ian, he wrapped his arms around Charlie’s waist, which is not part of the choreography. There, Tom felt a little bit alarmed as Ian started tickling Charlie by blowing and kissing him behind his ear. Charlie flushed red and he tried to get away from Ian’s hold.

"Stop it, Ian! Dude, come on!” Charlie on the verge of tears as he laughed out loud, and he still tried to deepen his voice.

When Ian finally stopped, he made Charlie face him and they were now both grinning at each other. Charlie then slapped Ian’s bare shoulder that made him grimace for pain for a few moments; then as his revenge, he took Charlie in his arms, locking him close to him, that really looked like he is cuddling Charlie.

"Hon? Tom?“ Paula eagerly called out Tom who had been frowning at Charlie and Ian’s direction.

Paula had to snap her fingers near Tom’s ear to finally catch his attention. “Tom, didn’t you heard me?” Paula now sounded annoyed.

Tom finally turned away from Charlie’s direction and he gave now his full attention to Paula, “Oh, sorry, you were saying hon?”

Paula tried to hide how her face soured; when she got back in London, last two weeks ago, she had heard from her Uncle George that Tom came home to Suffolk with Charlie. Not that she’s jealous or anything, but it should have been with her with Tom.

But, she had to admit, she was slightly envious of Charlie that he got to meet Tom’s family, while her; she had to be with her mother.

My mother… The former prima ballerina of NYCB. She resentfully thought.

Before she could delve in with the thought of her mother, Paula spoke up to Tom, “Do you want to call it a day? We can rehearse the lines tomorrow. And besides, we have to be somewhere tonight.”

What Paula meant was tonight is the night that Julian will finally reveal himself to Gwen, and they (herself, Tom, and Charlie) had already set up the surprise date night. Paula only accepted to help Julian when Tom asked her to, and besides, Charlie’s cousin, the famous Youtubber LilyShimmers is on board with the whole plan as he would prepare Gwen for the date in the guise of a girls' night out.

Tom and Charlie’s task was to take care of Julian and make sure the man doesn’t lose heart in confessing to Gwen.

For the past two weeks when Gwen found out that her secret admirer and Charlie had the same handwriting; she had been rambling delightfully and imagining when will Charlie confess to her. Tom saw that they had to do something before the misunderstanding worsen.

“You’re right, hon. Have you told Gwen what to do?” Tom then leaned on to tuck her hair behind her ear, a sweet gesture that made Paula soften.

“Yeah, I also made her wear a dress of mine. It’s a hell lot shorter on her because you know how tall Gwen is.” Paula explained with a laugh.

That was Tom wanted, to see Paula smile and hear her laugh that is clear as a tinkling bell. They both linked their hands together, Tom’s long fingers engulfed Paula’s whole small hand.

“Anyways, Julian is ready. I’ve also lent him a suit so he would look sharp, at least.” Tom then pulled Paula’s hand to kiss the back of it.

“Which one?”

“That one suit I wore at the Skull Island premiere? Only the jacket and trousers, though, Julian had his own shirt. And perhaps the burgundy suit, also.” He murmured as he now played with Paula’s fingertips on his hand.

While they talked and exchanged smiles and sweet nothings, Charlie, who had got out of Ian’s hold a while before, was stealing glances from their direction.

After that Christmas he had spent with the Hiddlestons, Charlie knew that he and Tom had connected in some way even him couldn’t understand. Maybe for a moment, he expected Tom to feel the same way for him or at least bestow him a friendly admiration and that would be enough for Charlie. But, at last, Tom would never feel the same way as he does because it would mean that Tom has to be gay.

When Charlie gave the alibi that he is gay, as a man; he knows that it will make Tom understand him more. But, he didn’t say that just so Tom would be romantically stirred towards him.

Charlie shook his head to clear his head of those thoughts. Tom will never look your way. You have to accept that. You chose to do this, to cross-dress as a man; and you don’t deserve to have Tom.

His harsh thoughts, even more, mushed his heart up. Somehow, Charlie thought, if ever he and Tom met at a different situation; would Tom notice him? Would he take time to befriend him? Charlie once again dismissed his thoughts that made no sense for him and thought how the date night planned for Gwen and Julian would go.

Paula finally left Tom and it was evident that she is off to do her task. After a few minutes, Tom waved at Charlie to come over. Ian saw this.

“Now what does the fucker want now?” Ian growled lowly.

Charlie turned his head, “Ian. Be nice, man. Maybe Tom just wants to talk.”

“To talk? If he wasn’t with Paula, I would’ve guessed that he also likes you. And to be honest, Charlie, I don’t tolerate competition from the things I want the most.” Ian’s voice was hard. Finally, he had voiced out his thoughts about his rivalry with Tom.

Once again, Charlie was reminded of how Ian intensely likes him. He didn’t need reminding, actually, as Ian always made it known every day when they see each other on set. Charlie still has a crush on Ian, but he could only hope that Ian shouldn’t expect too much of him.

“Ian, don’t say that. You are both my friends and I don’t want to choose between the two of you.” Charlie clarified.

Ian placed his hand on Charlie’s arm, and Ian’s fingers slightly denting his skin, “I don’t want to be your friend, Charlie.”

Charlie didn’t need to ask Ian further, as Ian had always declared how much he wanted Charlie. During the first few weeks, Ian had made it known that he has an interest for Charlie; but those days afterward, Ian seems to be in agony as Charlie is still isn’t fully his.

Ian finally realized that his grip on Charlie’s arm was tightening, and so, he let go; leaving some mark of his fingertips on Charlie’s fair arm.

“I’m sorry. I have to go, Charlie. See you tomorrow.” Ian stood back, then he left Charlie.

He had to shake his arm that is now red with marks. Then, he finally went to Tom’s side.

Charlie hid his marked arm from Tom’s sight, then he spoke, “Is everything ready?”

“Paula left now with Gwen. Is Lily ready?” Tom stood up from the folding chair, towering over Charlie.

“Yeah, I just texted him this afternoon, he’s waiting on Jay-a’s salon. How about Julian?”

Tom had his hands on his waist, “Ready. But scared to death, I’m telling you.”

They both laughed at the thought Julian tensed and fidgeting. Then, Charlie once again saw the glow Tom gives off, a side of him that he only sees whenever it’s just them talking to each other. Before anything could get awkward, Charlie once again brought up the topic of their plan. The two of them would bring Julian to Redbird near Little Tokyo, to which they already rented the place’s rooftop for the date. After Gwen and Paula had finished with Lily; Lily and Paula will invite Gwen to have a night out and there, they will bring Gwen to Redbird.

“Perfect. Now, we just have to wait for it all to set into motion.” Tom grinned goofily.

“But what if Gwen rejects Julian? What would we do?” Charlie worriedly pondered out loud.

“Then we have no choice, it’s either, that would discourage Julian or make him fight for it all the more.” Tom shrugged.

When quitting time had finally come, Tom and Charlie were now on Tom’s trailer with Julian as they are making him try out Tom’s suits. Julian tried the burgundy suit that Tom wore at the BAFTA Tea Party last year in January.

“How about this?” Julian showed it to Tom and Charlie.

If Julian weren’t ginger, someone might mistake him for being Tom’s twin.

“Too fancy.” Charlie tilted his head.

“It’s great. It looked great on me when I wore it on the red carpet.” Tom pointed out with his open hand at Julian.

“But… It might startle Gwen, you know. Something subtle but sharp, maybe.”

Julian sighed and he started to take off the suit. There was another one, the suit that Tom wore on the Kong: Skull Island premiere in London.

“Now that’s more like it.” Charlie declared and he could also see the agreement in Tom’s eyes.

When Julian is fully dressed, but still without the tie, Tom stood up, “We better get suited up too.” He then pointed at Charlie.

Charlie only nodded in reply as he intended to change at the locker room, and not there in Tom’s trailer. Tom was starting to strip off his clothes; first, he took off his shirt that made Charlie ogle Tom for a very long minute.

"I’ll change clothes at the locker room, I left my suit there.“ Charlie only hoped his alibi would fall into place.

Tom now pulled down his jeans; his black boxers couldn’t well conceal what it contained. "Your suit is there, I borrowed one for you. Had to look for teen sizes because you were too small for the common European suit.” Tom nodded at the suit carefully lain over the provided bed of the trailer.

Julian saw that Charlie was beginning to panic. He knows well that Charlie wouldn’t dare change his clothes in front of him and Tom if he wanted to reveal to them his true identity.

Tom didn’t speak, but Charlie could feel that Tom is waiting for him to take the suit and start undressing.

Then, after Tom had worn his trousers, he turned to Charlie, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you undressing? We’re all men here.” Julian saw Charlie’s face pale out.

He was about to pull up his shirt, and once, it almost revealed the binder Charlie had put on his breasts; Julian saw it but not Tom.

"Oh, Charlie, dude–I left my tie at the locker room. You think you can get it for me?“ Julian spoke up. Charlie internally sighed with relief, but Tom only stared at them.

"Sure, I’ll get it.” Charlie almost sounded thankful, he then took the suit Tom had prepared for him when he was off to the locker room.

Tom didn’t say anything else, but he felt something was going on that only he does not know. To break off the tension, Julian spoke, “So, I heard that you took Charlie to Suffolk."

Tom now buttoned the crisp white shirt, "Yeah. He had nowhere to go, so we took him in for Christmas."

Julian now placed the cuff links on his shirt; he knows better, as Charlie had told him that he couldn’t attend the Christmas party with them as he feared that Dodong and his friends might recognize him.

Tom went over Julian’s side to fix the collar of his shirt, "I also found out that Charlie is an orphan, and that he only has his extended family."

Julian knows that also, but he waited for something else that Tom might tell him; he waited if Tom would tell if Charlie had revealed his secret identity to him.

"And what else?” Julian couldn’t help let it slip.

"What what else?“ Tom’s brows furrowed.

There, Julian read it on his face, He doesn’t know… Charlie told him nothing about his secret identity.

What Tom was thinking was Charlie’s vague coming-out-of-the-closet. "Well… He kinda… Came out.” Tom cringed.

Julian suppressed a smile, “What? He came out like…?"

Tom only nodded in reply. Julian was laughing internally; he can see that Tom thinks that Charlie is gay, but the truth is he’s a woman; body and soul. Little did Tom knew, Charlie likes him very much, even though he denies it. They only continued dressing in silence when Charlie came in, wearing the all-black suit that Tom gave him.

Julian saw it, Tom almost held his breath when he saw how handsome Charlie looked in that suit.

"Now look what we have here… Looking good, Charlie.” Julian winked, also referencing that Kingsman line.

"Feeling good, Julian,“ Charlie replied with a sly smile, understanding that reference.

Tom fumbled a little bit with his cuff links when Charlie turned his gaze towards him. Charlie, who just wanted to be helpful, came to Tom’s side, "Here, let me."

Julian witnessed it all; Tom had his lips in a tight line when Charlie’s small fingers brushed his wrist, his eyes looked bewildered yet curious by the way he felt when Charlie was so near.  When Charlie was done fastening the cuff links, he looked up to Tom; his baby-blue eyes gleaming wonderfully at him. He had to look away before Tom could notice that he blushed.

“Oh look, my tie is here!” Julian declared in a deadpan tone. It made Tom and Charlie stand two paces away from each other, breaking the moment that they were having.

All of them were finally fully dressed, Tom texted Paula on how the make-up session for Gwen went. Paula responded that they are on their way to the Redbird.

"Let’s go, guys. The girls are on their way.” Tom nodded towards Julian and Charlie.

“What do you mean they haven’t set it up yet?!” Tom shouted, not because he is angry, but it was out of disbelief.

"I’m sorry, Mr. Hiddleston, the organizers just left the roses upstairs; but we’re about to set up the table for two.“ The shy-looking restaurant staff looked a bit terrified as the god of mischief himself had just scolded him.

“Thank you. We’ll take care of the set-up for the rooftop.” Tom now calmly replied, even tapping the man’s shoulder as if apologizing for raising his voice.

The trio had arrived at the back corner of the restaurant, and they were hoping to only just lead Julian up the rooftop then his confession will take place, and it seems that they had to take care of the rooftop’s decoration also.

Tom now called Paula, “Hon? Are you inside the restaurant now?”

Meanwhile, Paula, Gwen, and Lily sat at a reserved table inside the restaurant; Paula and Lily are stalling Gwen so they won’t have to take any orders yet.

Paula had to stand at a far corner to answer Tom’s call, “We’ve been here for 30 minutes. Is the rooftop ready?”

She heard him sigh over the line, “Hon, the problem is… The people that we hired for that didn’t do their job.”

“What!?” Paula hissed, that it made Gwen turn to her direction.

She faked a smile and waved it off, then she spoke through gritted teeth, “Then what the fuck are we supposed to do?”

“We’ll take care of it, the three of us; the staff is taking care of the table,” Tom assured Paula.

“Hurry, Gwen’s starting to suspect. We can’t keep her down here for long.”

Tom let out a quick sigh, then, “Okay, I got to go, hon. I’ll call you later.”

Tom lead the way upstairs, Julian and Charlie followed him after. When they got to the rooftop, a little bit breathless because of the climb; they saw that the table was set inside the large gazebo meant for a dinner for two.

The decorations, the roses, the red carpet, and the candles were just left out at the empty corner of the rooftop.

"Let’s get to work, guys.” Charlie encouraged.

Charlie and Julian helped each other unrolling the red carpet that will start from the last step of the stairs up to the steps of the gazebo. Tom handled the candles, lighting it and sporadically placing all of it at each side of the red carpet.  They worked quickly and also trying not to bump with each other. Tom, who felt the vibration of his phone, saw that he had a text from Paula,

We’re comin’ up.

He called out to Julian and Charlie, “Guys! They’re coming up!"

Charlie’s scattering of the petals we’re only halfway through, but Julian and Tom already made a run for it to hide.  He was left out at the middle of the red carpet, still looking where he could hide. Tom and Julian already hid at the growing bush at the other side of the rooftop. He wanted to join them in their hiding place, but somehow he was reminded that once when he hid behind a bush and a centipede crawled up his ankle. He then chose to hide behind the gazebo, where he hoped that Gwen would not discover him. After a few minutes, they heard the clicking of stiletto shoes over the stone path; they knew it to be Gwen.

Then, she started walking towards the red carpet; Charlie even heard her gasp loudly. Somehow, Charlie was tempted to take a peek, to see how Gwen reacted. He lifted his head just a little, but when his eyes scanned the area, he saw Gwen looking directly at him.  

"Charlie! Charlie, why are you hiding there?” Charlie immediately swooped down his head, Tom and Julian also heard that.

“What?” Julian lowly hissed at Tom.

The next thing Charlie knew, Gwen was already beside him, and she took his hand to bring him out. They stood in front of the gazebo, and Gwen looked so ecstatic to see him there.

“I knew it! The letters, the poems, the morning coffees! It was you! You’re my secret admirer! Charlie, I never knew that you also felt the same!” She rambled lovingly, holding Charlie into her arms but towering over him because of her high heels.

Before Gwen could say anything else, she heard the bush rustle loudly, then Julian popped out of the bush, his face red with both embarrassment and anger.  

“Gwen! It’s not Charlie! I’m your secret admirer!” He shouted out, almost closing his eyes because he was too nervous.

Gwen froze, then Charlie finally got away from her grasp. Tom and Charlie stood together a few paces behind Julian; Paula and Lily came up the stairs to see what was happening.

Gwen had the look of horror in her face, “Is this some kind of a joke, Julian!? Because if it is, this has to stop!” She pointed at the ground to emphasize. Even when she is fiercely enraged, Gwen looked ethereal for him as he took in her all of her.

Julian breathed in, trying to compose himself, finding the words to say. Tom could see how agitated Julian is, he wanted to help his friend so he could express himself, but he only felt Charlie’s small hand pressed against his arm,

“I know you want to help him, but he can handle himself.” His voice sounded so calm and soothing that Tom remained where he stood.

Julian cleared his throat and started to speak, “I’m not joking. I am your secret admirer."

Gwen crossed her arms on her chest, at least she looked like she was going to listen to him. Then Julian began, "I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you. Remember the script reading? That’s where I saw you."

Gwen also remembered that day, and she did notice Julian too, but she paid him no mind.

"Your hair was tied in a ponytail; it was summer so you were sweating, but the way you looked that day–I knew… I would never find another woman like you."

Julian started to walk closer to Gwen, "Gwen, I just don’t like you–I care for you, I’m crazy for you, and I would do anything for you…” His green eyes were pleading to her, that he noticed, her bottom lip quivered.

For a long moment, Gwen didn’t speak. They all waited for her to say something. This time, Paula and Lily went to Tom and Charlie. Paula found her place beside Tom. Julian wanted to hold Gwen, but he tried not to unless she said something.

Gwen cleared her throat, “Julian, that’s all you need to do. You didn’t have to set this up, you should’ve done the secret admirer thing… All I needed from you was your sincerity.” She shrugged and an uncertain smile appeared on her face.

“When you were flirting with me, I thought that you were just some horn-dog who’s trying to get me into bed. That’s why I never paid attention to you."

This time, Julian was smiling from ear to ear, he took Gwen’s soft hands and held it.

"I would never disrespect you. I could never do that to the woman I love."

Tom couldn’t help it but whimper with delight while Charlie felt like he could jump around now that their plan worked out.

"You love me?” Gwen teased Julian.

His lips curled up into a tight-lipped smile, suddenly abashed. Gwen now gently shook his hand, but not letting it go, “I said, do you love me?"

Lily was squealing and fanning himself with his hand; the scene was too blissful to be true. While Paula, she was also smiling so brightly as Tom placed her arms around his waist.

"I do. I’ve always loved you.” Julian mumbled, but with one swift tug, he pulled Gwen into his arms and held her for long.

Tom slowly clapped, and it looked like he was about to have tears rolling from his eyes. Charlie tilted his head up and whispered to Tom, “Another one of our brothers to finally get out of the friend-zone."

Tom guffawed and only nudged Charlie at his side. They all clapped now as Julian placed a kiss on Gwen’s forehead, but not letting her go.

"Wait the fuck up, how about dinner?” Lily announced.

“Then we have to let the staff know that it will be a dinner for six.” Tom pointed out.

They all laughed together and called a restaurant staff. The night is still young, and their group is just starting to enjoy it.

[helmes-deep]

Prompt: Sean and Sue cuddle on the couch while watching a movie.

So I, uhhhh… decided to go with a different writing “style” this time around, hehe… included a bunch of types of hugs/cuddles, but the movie scene is still in there!! 😉💕

Human affection is an interesting thing, Sue Heck decides. Sure, she’s been with a few good boyfriends throughout her dating life, and has had her fair share of hugs and kisses inherent to the functioning of each relationship. But it isn’t until she starts dating her current boyfriend Sean Donahue that Sue begins to think there’s a little more to another’s display of physical affections than just the plain touch. A kiss isn’t just a kiss anymore, and a hand on the shoulder isn’t another warm embrace. It’s only when you truly love someone, Sue surmises, that a simple touch from the person you care about can mean so much more—and so many different things:

Support / Encouragement.

“I did it! I did it!” she shouts. There’s a big smile on her face, and she can’t contain her joy and excitement, waving a crisply-rolled piece of paper as her cap and gown bounce up and down on the open, crowded playing field. Her entire family is there to congratulate her, and she exchanges a hug with each of them, working down the line of relatives until she makes it to the end, and greets him.

“Congratulations, Sue!!” he says, appearing alongside her overly-ecstatic family members. His smile is as wide—and as proud—as hers. He motions to a bag he’s been carrying with him. “Here, I got you a gift.”

She smiles brightly and takes the bag from him, reaching in and pulling out a small cardboard box before opening it, and peering inside.

“Oohh!” she gasps aloud, just as the lid folds open. “My very own service bell!! It’s even got a cute Orson cow design on it and is in my favorite color as well!” She squeals in awe, excitement, and delight. “Thank you, Sean this is such a sweet gift! I love it!”

He nods, and then smiles. “I wanted to give you something that you’ll be able to use right away at your new job. I know you’re going to be great at managing a hotel someday, Sue; your guests are going to love you. You’ve worked really hard to get here, and I want you to know that I’m really proud of you.”

“Well, nothing says ‘Sue Heck at your service’ better than having your guests to ring your very own, actual service bell!” she responds with avid enthusiasm, beaming. She holds up his wonderful gift to show to everyone before saying, “I just hope you’re really right about me getting a job soon, Sean. I’d hate for ‘Sue-vice’ to go out of business before it even gets started!” She’s obviously joking, but there’s a hint of nerves and an odd awareness of true, approaching reality hidden underneath her care-free grin.

“You’ll get one; I know you will,” he says, laughing in response. And he pulls her in for a hug. It’s warm, strong, inviting, and firm—and exactly what she needs right now. His warmth is welcoming, and it spreads all over her, chasing away all her feelings of self-doubt and of being over-whelmed by thinking of everything she still has yet to accomplish. His wide, strong arms block out all of the unnecessary noise (there were a lot of jubilant students reunited with their equally as exuberant parents that day); her speeding adrenaline rush; and all of the new, impending chaos beginning to surround her as his firm, steady hold lends her hope. For once, she can hear herself think again, and her rising fears for the future begin to steadily fade away.

She closes her eyes as his arms tighten encouragingly around her, and she reaches around him as well, carefully holding onto her diploma in one hand and his thoughtful gift in the other.

Their embrace is normal and sweet—a typical display of affection from any couple. But this one is unlike any other. It’s the hug he gives her to tell her that he’s happy for her, that’s he’s here for her, and that he believes in her. That he’s not only here to celebrate her great achievement thus far, but also to remind her of the support, love, and encouragement he will always have for her as her journey continues beyond this life-changing point.

The future ahead is bright, afterall, but it is still, relatively, unknown.

And it’s the same supportive, encouraging, and congratulatory hug he gives her when she announces with unbridled glee that she’s found a job in guest service at a local hotel just a few months later.

Protection.

She shivers as she helps him stack another donation box for Orson’s Annual Christmas Food Drive. Once the last box is stacked neatly on top, they stand next to each other in front of his house, waiting for their moms to drive by and to come pick the boxes and them up.

“Bbbrrr,” she says, shaking in the winter cold. Her nose, cheeks, and the tips of her ears are all flushed, while everything else beneath her puffy, pink coat is quietly rattling. She can already feel the frosty, iced air start to chill her bones as it begins to seep into her thinly-layered mittens, making her fingers go numb.

Suddenly, she feels a certain pressure and warmth encapsulate her entire body. He’s standing behind her with both arms wrapped fervently around her, his heavily jacketed and insulated arms soundly holding her.

“What are you doing?” she asks, looking up with a curious smile on her face and a bright, rosy-red nose.

“Protecting your from the cold,” he replies openly. The light note in his voice indicates that he’s teasing her, but his arms stay wrapped securely around her, and his hands don’t break away until they spot their moms’ car driving up in the distance.

It’s a cute and adorably romantic gesture he’s done, she thinks to herself as she feels the full length of his warmth around her shoulders. It’s the type of ridiculously cheesy thing a couple (like them) would do. But somehow, as they wait for those few, short minutes to slowly trickle by, she finds herself feeling warmer, less colder—somehow safer—and with greater strength and determination as she stands up a little taller, and a bit more comfortably, against the terrible cold.

Comfort.

She had come home after a long day at work. He was sitting on the couch, unwinding to some TV as she opened the apartment door and entered.

“Hey, Suzy-Q! What’s up?” he asks in his usual, welcoming and amiable manner.

She doesn’t respond right way, quietly locking the door as she ponders her answer; and when she turns, he immediately recognizes the sadness in her eyes that typically isn’t on her usually cheery, upbeat face.

“What’s wrong?” he asks her. He’s instantly up in his seat, eyebrows raised in serious worry as she silently trudges over.

She’s unable to speak a word, stumbling forward and crashing onto him as soon as she’s made it to the couch.

“Hey… it’s okay,” he answers softly, taking all of her into him. He moves over to let her find a place in the space between his arms; her whole body sinks into him as her head falls near his neck. As her small frame sinks deeper into him, it’s like a pile of incredibly tense and heavy emotions has been weighted onto his lap. He quietly places one arm completely over and around her back, while the other moves to bring the rest of her together. By the time he’s holding her to him, she’s already breaking apart, thin lines of tears streaming down her cheeks.

The warm, comforting tenderness with which he pulls her closer to him tells her that he cares. The patient, loving quietness he displays as he gently strokes her back, soothing her sobs, tells her that he’s ready, waiting, and listening. That he doesn’t quite know what’s happened to set off her feelings in this way, but that he understands. It doesn’t matter what kind of horrible situations she’s had to pull herself through for today; they’ll figure out all of that stuff later. What matters right now, in this moment, is that he’s holding her, that he’s simply there to offer his support and comfort to her as her world falls apart. And that’s all she needs right now—his presence. His unyielding desire to not let her go because she’s already been let down too many times today. And that’s what he gives her as he pulls her even closer into him, wiping the tears and wet strands of hair away from her face, and she cries her heart out into his chest.

Care / Love.

It is night. All the lights are turned off, and their little apartment is quiet and still. The only other movement in the room is the flashing of the TV screen, which switches from one exaggerated face to the other as soft blue and purple-ish hues set their faces aglow.

A funny scene flashes on the TV, and they both laugh quietly together.

His arm is resting on her shoulders; his fingers barely brushing against her. Her head is lying between the start of his shoulder and the peak of his chest, her whole form leaning against his. Both of her legs are bent and bundled upon the couch, while his whole back is resting comfortably against its cushions.

For a moment, she shifts, and as if by natural response, he does, too. Her upper body moves to fit snuggly back into the crooked space created by his arm and torso, and his whole body mirrors her movements to let her back in. And for a moment, they briefly wrestle—he’s desperately trying to find her and she’s frantically looking for him—before he’s been quietly fitted to her and she’s nicely fitted into him once again; and they’re nestled against each other like a perfectly tangled puzzle on the living room couch. His arm pulls her closer into him, and her arm reaches over to fully hug him beneath the blanket covers.

It’s just him, and it’s just her. There are no unnecessary movements, no extra noises, no other distractions.

Just pure, happily contented silence.

There are no words; there don’t need to be. The way his arm is wrapped so easily around her shoulders, and the way she’s snuggled warmly into his side, tells her how comfortable they are with one another. The way he leans into her as he holds her closer, and the way she knows she can happily rest her head on his chest forever, tells her how completely and fully they trust and understand one another. And the way they gradually move closer and closer toward each other, deeper and deeper, until all she hears is the sound of his soft breathing and her heart beating in unison, tells her how much he loves her and how much she loves him—and all she needs to know about the two of them being together.

And for Sue, those are her absolute favorite moments: her most precious, deeply cherished thoughts when thinking about finding any type of human affection in Sean’s arms. It’s moments like that when she believes she truly understands what it means to experience another person’s affectionate touch, what it means to be carefully held—what it’s like to be in love.

And it’s that realization that fills Sue with the truest warmth; it’s that realization that makes her the happiest. And as her realization grows, she finds herself moving closer and closer to Sean, scooting closer and nearer to him—to share with him this warmth, this happiness. She’s pretty sure he feels the same way, too, as he starts to bring himself closer to her as well, the two cuddling so close to each other. And it’s in that moment, when Sue finds herself fitting so warmly, snugly, and perfectly in Sean’s arms, that she knows she couldn’t be happier.

Wanted to try something different so went for something that was a little more… drabble-ish?? :PP I guess if this story could be considered Sean’s introspective, than this one can serve more of as an introspective for Sue.

Hope y'all enjoyed, and that this story sorta half-fills the void while we’re all waiting for the show to come back after the break!! Excited to see what’s next for Sue and Sean, especially after those press release spoilers/pics lololol. 

Also someone tell me if this story came off as too cheesy leool; my goal was to be more “fluffy” this time around because of the incorporation of hugs/cuddles, but who knows how my execution of “fluffy” actually came out as leoleoleoool.

My next one should be out soon…ish??? I’ll try to get it done, at least by the end of this week :P :P 

Send me a prompt and I’ll write a short Sue x Sean fanfic about it leol (closed)

Also available on FanFiction.net

[carolinadota-blog]

I usually don’t get inspired to write stuff very often but I do want to talk about how I am feeling today. Oh boy do I feel as serious sense of melancholy in the air. Love is shows gets me all the time. A good romance will make me lose my sense of cynicism and make me wish I had non-platonic relationship with a girl. Unfortunately, as soon as the sobbing uncontrollably begins to fade my eyes begin to look dead inside finally realizing that all of this is because I don’t have a mother figure anymore. Suffice to say the love I felt for my mother was never of physical intimacy (nor should it have been) but I can’t say my morbidly obese body ever wanted that either. I was fine with the ole get it out of the system technique by going at my favorite fetish. All I can say is that I missed being able to love someone for them and them to love me back. The one time I was in a “relationship” was with a girl named Estelle. In was an afternoon in my senior year of literature class and I was listening to a lecture when I get a vibration from my phone. Usually it is never a text message from someone but lo and behold it’s from a girl from the school I used to talk to. Estelle sent me a message talking to me a bit and it went pretty well until I get a text message from my other friend from the school named Caesar. He asks me if I am single which it’s pretty obvious even for someone with autism what was going on. So I honestly answered like the gentleman that I am with a resounding yes to being a single. From there the chapter was opened up and Estelle and I were now in a relationship. I was actually so happy with glee that a girl would finally open up to me with her honest feelings and tell me how she felt. Let’s not forget that this is my 1st time ever with a girl and I have no idea how I should ever talk with them or how fast bases go (I never played baseball with girls either ). From there on I would text her for about 2 months. Yes, I texted her for 2 months and didn’t even go on a date with her. Writing this makes me so fucking mad just thinking about it. Okay, before I lose myself let’s head into the 3rd month. Also, I am skipping ahead with all this time I did try and get with her. I was the one pursing her since she told me that she was interested in me. So I send her messages asking her if she wanted to go on a date with me or to hangout out. The typical response was “Sorry, I am tired from rowing” or the best “Can we do it a different time I am busy”. If I wasn’t color blind to red I could see the huge fucking red flag right in front of my eyelids but alas I am the stupid one. I think I made it obvious to how it all ends but let me finish with this “date”. It was after football practice at 7PM. My day for 2 years went a little something like this, wake up at 5:30am and head to the training room for football. Workout from 6am to 7:30am. Go to class from 8:30am to 3:30pm. Practice football from 4PM to 6:30pm. So I am physically worn out from all the practice that was going on. I just want to go home and relax but I get a text message from her saying that she can hang out in 30 minutes. I said could you give me an hour I just got home, I am tired and I want to take a quick nap to get some energy back. Welp, that wasn’t going to fly with her because I had to be there before 8:00pm or it wasn’t going to be a date. So, what would a bumbling baboon like myself do, I ran into the shower and rushed getting dressed. I wasn’t allowed to wear shorts for our date so I had to rush putting pants on which was a lot of fun. Finally I headed out and drove 30 minutes to get to her house and you have no idea how excited I was to hang out with her. All the negative shit I said I did enjoy my time with her on the date even though most places were closed. We ate outside of burger king which was fun. We drove to Target and walked around which was alright. She made me pay for her yogurt which I didn’t mind at all. Then we drove around the area and she tried to fix my time since it was messed up which I ended up fixing (I am not trying to sound like I am better than her which I kind of am). We finally got home and she rushed out of the car because she didn’t want me to meet her parents for some reason. To this day, I still don’t know why she did that. I would be even angrier with if I knew so don’t tell me for the sake of my own sanity. So, that happened and to say I was unsatisfied was an understatement. I wanted to kiss her and I never got the opportunity to. I decided to take matters into my own hands and drive up to her school and pick her up and drive her home. I didn’t plan this with her cause I wanted to surprise her. I texted her driving up there letting her know what was going on and I picked up some chick fila on the way there. I waited outside the circle where parents pick people their students up and waited. I got an angry message back asking me what I was doing there. She told me to leave the parking lot. I was devoted to her and I never felt so miserable in those few moments that past. I decided to drive into a parking lot and gorge myself off the food that I had bought for her. Tears are falling from my eyes just thinking about those moments. It’s locked up in the back of my head and bringing them fourth make me so upset. I am just glad I got this off my case. I did use her real name in the post that I wrote. It makes her look bad and makes me look good. Maybe it’s us Virgos that are the pettiest bitches ever. I asked her one time not too long ago if she manipulated me. Note though I did grow up a bit by this point and I could pretend to still act ignorant. She didn’t fess up at all. If a lie is too big just roll with it as they say. She made it seem like it just didn’t work because there was no connection. I just was like, fuck you cunt. I removed her on Facebook and I hope I never see her again in real life. And then it dawned on me. My life isn’t a romance visual novel. It’s my life and I am bound to continue to make dumb romantic mistakes in the future as well. I have not had very good luck in the dating scene though I can’t say but I haven’t lost hope yet. I will find the one someday and I will do my very best to keep both us happy together.