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#someone remind me to talk to my therapist about that
paradiseprincesss · 10 hours
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the boy is mine - jonathan crane x reader
masterlist
notes: yeah so i wrote this in literally record timing because the music video to the boy is mine is so jonathan crane and his girl coded. i'd like to think i'm keeping u guys fed with all my fics i hope u like !!!
summary: you’re set on doing anything to make that boy yours, and the plan you curated is absolutely purrrfect.
word count: 4.3k
warnings: 18+ mdni, smut, p in v, oral (f!receiving), bondage/tying up, rough sex, overstimulation, creampie, stalking, obsessive behaviour, therapist/patient relationship at one point lol
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“perfect.” you whisper to yourself as you poured the last drop of the glittery, pink liquid into the small vile, swirling it around as you popped a cork into the top.
you smiled proudly as you sat on the kitchen floor of your apartment, holding up the vile to get a good look at it under the moonlight. it was fool proof — he’d for sure be yours after you forced him to drink this.
some would say you were a little unhinged, but you preferred the term creative. you were a little obsessed with your old therapist, doctor jonathan crane. you started seeing him when you stumbled across his pictures online, and you knew you had to have him. you booked your first session with him roughly nine months ago, and he was there for you every step of the way.
you didn’t actually need therapy (well…), but you still booked sessions with him because he was yours. it was meant to be. you couldn't unsee it. during your first ever session with him, you made sure to put on your cutest, most feminine and dainty mini dress, paired with some matching high heels. you even did your hair and makeup with precision. jonathan didn’t show it on his face, but when you sat there in that leather chair across from him for the first time, his heart started to beat a million miles a minute.
you were jaw-dropping. he couldn’t believe someone could actually possess such beauty, and though he tried to stay professional, it was proving to be quite difficult. every time you spoke, every time you smiled at him, every time you did absolutely anything — he would become more and more infatuated with you.
“i just wish he didn’t leave me, you know?” you say softly, feigning innocence, “it’s been so hard without a man to take care of me.”
jonathan clenched his jaw silently, he couldn’t believe that a man would be stupid enough to break-up with someone like you. be professional, he reminded himself.
“understandably so,” he said clinically, “i can only imagine how difficult it would be to have a relationship like that end so abruptly.”
“it was so difficult,” you say, your eyes watering, “but, i think i’m slowly starting to move on.”
of course, such "ex-boyfriend" did not exist. this was all part of your elaborate act to make him think you were an innocent, naive girl who was heartbroken and needed someone to save her. that someone being him, of course.
he was made for somebody like you.
you only had seven sessions between the two of you before jonathan abruptly reassigned you to his colleague, doctor webber. she wasn’t anything like doctor crane — she didn’t understand you the way that he did.
good things come to those who wait, but patience wasn’t your thing.
“i’m sorry,” jonathan doctor crane said to you, “as much as i want to continue to be there for you and your journey of growth, i believe that my colleague would be better suited to your…needs.”
“what are you talking about, doctor crane?” you asked, trying to to hide the desperation in your voice.
“i have another patient i must attend to,” he says flatly, informing you that your session had come to an end, “but i wish you all the best.”
and with that, he sent you to see doctor webber. of course, you were heartbroken. how could your soulmate do that to you? but jonathan wasn’t doing it because he didn’t want to see you — it was quite the opposite, actually. he knew that feeling this way about his patient was so very wrong, and if he continued to see you, he wouldn’t be able to control himself.
really, he did this for you.
as you placed your little love concoction on the kitchen counter, you turned on your tv. jonathan was supposed to be doing a segment with the mayor of gotham tonight about the crime rates in the city, and what him and his team at arkham asylum were doing to solve the issue. as his face appeared on tv, you sighed to yourself. he was so handsome in his suit and tie — and those sexy little glasses?
meow.
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the chilly gust of wind made you shiver for a moment, but your latex bodysuit kept you warm enough — well, not really. with your little cat ear headband, you toss your hair over your shoulders as you quietly make your way into the silent home. your black pumps were surprisingly silent against the wood floors, and you crept into the living room where a woman sat on the couch watching tv.
you went undetected as she completely missed your presence. stealthily, you creep behind her until suddenly, you yanked her by her hair. she screamed loudly, and your hand immediately went up to her mouth to clasp down on it; you were getting really good at this.
“don’t scream,” you whisper, “i just came here to tell you to stay away from my man.”
slowly, you remove your hand and she looks back at you with sheer terror, “wh-who’s your man?” she asked with fear laced in her voice.
you hated this bitch — she was one of jonathans patients. there was nothing going on between them, you knew that (plus you would’ve murdered her if there was!), but you had spent the last few weeks…"cleaning up the streets."
these ratty bitches had to go; any woman who was his patient or in his life at all had to go. you even dressed the part with your sexy little cat costume and all. you know what they say — in the eternal game of cat and mouse, there are no winners, only survivors.
“doctor jonathan crane,” you said dreamily, but your tone turned sinister within seconds, “and if you ever go see him again, i will find you, trust me. i've already found you once, and you don't want me to come prowling back around.”
the woman nodded frantically, and you went on your merry way. this was the last one, you were certain. you’d even made a list of all the women to threaten so that you could make sure they would stay away from your man. finally, you made your way home and started to wind down from all the break-ins you’d been making recently. it was hard work chasing down all these…mice.
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jonathan noticed that his belongings were going missing here and there over the last few months, and he knew something strange was going on. he wasn’t sure what the hell was happening, but something was off.
first, little things such as his favourite pen (yes, he has a favourite pen) went missing. then, a few patient files would seemingly disappear along with some sticky notes he had stuck on his desk the day prior. he didn’t think too much of it until one of his credit cards went missing from his wallet — but there weren't any fraudulent charges made.
he even continued to monitor his bank account and freeze his card, but no charges were ever made on it regardless. the last straw was when his spare house key went missing. even for a man as smart as jonathan, he could not figure out who was doing this for the life of him.
you were still attending your regular sessions with doctor webber, but you deliberately booked your appointments on days you knew jonathan was working. you knew you’d run into him either on your way in or way out, and you also knew he wasn’t that booked up anymore since most of his clientele went…missing.
as you said your farewell to doctor webber, you noticed jonathan walking out of his office. he noticed you immediately, giving you a soft smile as you turned to close the door to doctor webbers office. he said your name softly, causing you to almost choke on your own words as you clutched his house keys behind your back.
“doctor crane,” you say softly, “hey.”
“just jonathan is fine,” he said, but he internally scolded himself for saying that, “how have you been?”
“great,” you say sweetly, “doctor webber is…great.”
“that’s wonderful to hear,” he says, “it was nice seeing you again. take care.”
you two parted ways, and once jonathan was back at his apartment — he was to refrain himself from calling you. god, you looked so good today. with those little dresses of yours and good grief, those sexy, little heels you always paired them with. he grabbed himself a glass of whiskey, neat, and took a swig as he thought about you.
why did you have to be on his mind so much, and dear god, why did you have to be so fucking beautiful?
with a frustrated sigh, he looked at his front door, thinking about his keys that suddenly went missing just a week prior. was he overthinking things? was he just imagining it? did he lose his own keys and forget?
he was a psychiatrist for gods sake, why was he driving himself crazy over this? with so many questions and no answers, he made his way to his bathroom as he flicked his kitchen lights off.
the cold water ran from the bathroom sink as he splashed it on his face after removing his glasses, and he looked at himself in the mirror to get a grip. his pale, icy, blue eyes bore into his own reflection, and-
what was that?
he turned around swiftly, turning the tap off, watching as something, no — someone’s perfectly manicured hand ghosted over the edge of his bathroom doorframe.
he couldn’t see anything — the kitchen light was turned off, and the only thing turned on was his dim bathroom light. the master of fear himself felt a little fearful in this moment as he watched the dainty, feminine hand retract and move back into the shadows and he could've sworn he saw...cat ears?
jonathan had to blink a few times to make sure that he hadn’t spilled a vile of his own fear toxin somewhere and that he wasn’t just hallucinating off of it.
hesitantly, he pushed open his bathroom door only to be met with the darkness of his kitchen. his breath hitched as he flicked on the kitchen lights, but he was met with an empty, quiet space. his eyes quickly darted to the front door, but it was locked shut.
but if the door was locked shut, what did he just see? who did he just see? was the scarecrow himself starting to succumb to silly, little, irrational fears? before his mind could start to wander anymore, he heard a familiar sound.
a certain, distinct, and awfully familiar sound of high heels clicking against the wood flooring — and it was coming right from his bedroom. jonathan went over to his bedroom, swinging the door open unsure of what he might see, only to be met with a sight that made him feel weak in the knees.
you were propped up on his bed, in a latex body suit and high heels, along with cat ears to complete your rather sexy costume. you batted your eyelashes at him innocently, and bit your lip as you showed him the rope in your hands.
“how did you…” he whispered, watching you bite your lip as he trailed off.
“doctor,” you purred, “let’s get intertwined.”
“what the fuck…” he whispered once more, watching you as if in a mesmerized trance.
jonathan couldn’t lie — as much as he should have been terrified and calling the cops, he was awfully turned on right now. jesus christ, that latex cat costume that left absolutely nothing to the imagination? yeah, he was hard the moment he saw you.
“i know it’s simply meant to be.” you say softly, and as if his mind could not control his body, he was making his way over to you on his bed.
“um, what-“
“shh,” you hush him, suddenly grabbing him as you swiftly tie a knot around his wrists, “you don’t need to speak, baby boy.”
in mere seconds you had the scarecrow tied up on his own bed, restrained as you looked down at him. jonathan sat there looking up at you — yes, you were hot but you were clearly also insane.
to be fair, so was he.
he didn't bother trying to get himself out of the ropes. he knew that if he tried to struggle you'd most definitely do something not so pleasant to him. also, if he was being honest — this was hot. like, really hot.
"i just need you to do me a favour, baby boy," you giggle, your high heels clicking against the wood flooring once more, "drink this for me, and know that if you refuse, you won't live to see another day."
you held up a vile of pink, shimmery liquid. jonathan looked at you with a raised brow, and hesitantly nodded.
"...i'll drink it if you answer some questions that i have." he says, trying to bargain with you.
"fine," you shrug, "but make it quick."
"alright, first of all, how did you get in here?" he asked.
"easy, i crawled in through your window. next." you say in an awfully innocent voice.
"are you the one that's been taking my stuff?" he asks, and you nod.
"of course, i needed your stuff for my collection." you say whimsically, biting your lip at the thought of your homemade jonathan crane shrine.
in your apartment, you had a wall dedicated to him. it had cut outs of him, printed pictures, his belongings, his address, photos of him when he was younger — the list just goes on. all just regular, boring, stalker stuff, really.
"no more questions," you huff, "drink up, baby boy."
"what is it?" he asked, to which you rolled your eyes.
"an at-home love potion. i'm going to untie you for this — and if you even attempt to run, i will slice your heart in two." you say with an adorable smile.
jonathan doesn't offer a response, but rather opts out for a simple nod. you slowly untie his wrists, handing him the pink, glittery liquid in the vile. you watch him in awe as he closes his eyes and takes it like a shot, smiling to yourself as you realize that he's finally going to be all yours.
this little concoction that you had whipped up was the real deal — you'd even tested it on other men to see if it did what it was intended to do. it worked on them, bringing these men to their knees for you, but it's not like you really had any trouble doing that without a love potion, anyway.
after jonathan drinks it all, he looks back at you blankly. unbeknownst to you, when you were popping the cork off of the potion, he sneakily grabbed a vile of his fear toxin that was stashed by the foot of his bed — just in case you tried to actually murder him.
his plan was to immediately throw the vile at you and watch you succumb to your fears, but if he was being honest, he wanted to see what this shitty little "love potion" could do. he was a man of science, after all.
"i don't feel anything," he said after a moment, "looks like your potion didn't work after all-"
you cut him off with a small giggle, "you don't feel any different?"
"no."
"i've tested it, i know it works," you giggled, "that means if you don't feel any different from before, then you must already love me-"
suddenly, he lunged at you, making you scramble as you tried to fight back. however, he was much stronger than you, making it physically impossible to overpower him. after struggling for a good minute, he had you tied down on the bed like you had him just moments before.
"you're sick in the head," he says, but you could've sworn you saw him smirking, "you're real fucking twisted, you know that? i could call the cops and have you arrested right now."
"do it," you teased, "i dare you to, baby boy."
jonathan suddenly grabbed you by the neck, "what was that?"
you had you refrain from smiling as he choked you softly, feeling yourself get wet from just a second of his touch. you knew exactly what he wanted now.
"sorry," you corrected, "i dare you, sir."
"there we go." he says as he lets go of your throat.
he rummages through his bedside drawer and pulls out some of his own rope, causing your mind to spin at the idea of what he was going to do to you. you didn't run when he untied your wrists initially, but he took a few moments to tie both your wrists up to his bedposts, essentially tying you up so you couldn't move your hands at all.
"oh," you say with a teasing voice, "i see where this is going."
he smirks at you, admiring how sexy you look all tied up in his bed, with your costume and all. he takes his phone out and shamelessly takes a picture with the flash on, and you could feel that you were leaking your arousal down his bedsheets by now.
it seemed that your love potion didn't work on him because, well, he was already obsessed with you.
of course he was — but jonathan was known for his good work ethic. he only gave you up as a patient because it was only a matter of time before he would give in and most likely fuck you on the couch in his office. he just didn't know it was mutual at the time. if he did, well — that's a story for another day.
"maybe i should punish you," he smirks, making his way over to you on the bed, "you've been so disobedient."
"m'sorry, sir," you whimper, "you just make me crazy."
"i know," he cooed condescendingly, "but i think i can fix that, darling."
"you can?"
"i most definitely can," he says lowly, "it might take a few sessions to cure you, but i have a method i think might work on you. i'm gonna fuck you 'till you can't think anymore, no more thoughts after that. sound good?"
you nodded frantically, "mhm, yes. please, fuck yes."
he smirked at you, his hands reaching towards the top of your bodysuit. slowly, he reached his hands behind and unzipped it, slipping it off of you slowly.
"i like the cat costume," he chuckles lowly, "the ears are a cute touch."
you blushed, biting your lip as he slipped you right out of your latex bodysuit. obviously, you wore nothing underneath — not even panties. jonathan groaned at the sight because seriously, no panties? with your wrists tied up and unable to touch him, you were getting pent up real fast.
"i wanna touch you," you whined, "please."
he smirked, "if only you didn't break into my apartment like a stray."
before you could even formulate a proper response, he was crawling between your legs, spreading them out as he got onto his stomach. without warning, he licked a fat stripe up your already soaking cunt, latching his mouth onto your pussy. your back arched at the feeling, and he continued to lap you up.
"f-fuck, jon," you breathed, "feels s-so good."
"i know." he said cooly against your core, lapping up your arousal continuously as you moaned over and over again.
it was sinful how skilled he was with his tongue — it hadn't even been a full five minutes and you were already on the brink of creaming all over his face. he didn't give you any mercy as he continued to eat you out like a starved man, and your wrists were burning against the rope as you tugged on them.
god, the things you would do to run your hands through his soft, dark, and now tousled hair.
"nnnghh," you whimper, "i'm, ah- gon' cum!"
the coil in your stomach snapped as your release hit you like a freight train, making you scream his name as he made you cum. you were left a panting mess, and he finally released the grip he had on your thighs. after wiping his pink, plump lips along with his chin which glistened with your wetness, he smiled softly at you.
"taste s'good," he commented, "you look so pretty like this, darling. tied up and helpless."
"n-need you," you whisper, "baby, please."
this time, he didn't correct you and demand you call him "sir." maybe it was the heat of the moment or maybe it was the realization that he had finally met a woman who was as unhinged as he was. deep down, he was really loving the idea.
he started to undo his belt, making sure to keep his eyes locked on yours, teasing you as he undid his belt at a painfully slow pace. finally, after what felt like an eternity (it maybe thirty seconds at most), his cock sprung out of his pants, hitting his stomach lightly. it was long, veiny, and thick. how was that supposed to fit inside of you? surely it would split you open.
"cat got your tongue?" he teased as he unbuttoned his white button-down, stroking his cock a few times as your hips bucked into nothing.
"uh-huh." you whispered in awe, biting your lip at the thought of how his size was going to stretch you beyond your limits.
with a low chuckle, he lined his thick cock up with your begging hole, pushing in slowly as you felt him stretch your cunt out fully. he was so big and so long, the feeling of him just halfway inside of you was enough to have you pulling against the ropes again. the way the rope was digging into your wrists was degrading but undeniably hot. it was like a silent reminder of how little control you actually had over this whole situation.
"s-so full!" you squeaked, but he kept pushing himself into your tight, warm hole.
"s'okay, you can take it. and if you can't, i'll make you take it." he groaned, finally bottoming out in you.
you were stuffed to the brim with his cock and slowly, he started to thrust his length in and out of you. desperately, you let out a feverish moan. your breaths were short but heavy, and you were a fucked out, cockdrunk mess for him as he picked up his pace.
"you're so fucking tight, my god," he moaned, "i should've fucked you sooner."
"make me cum," you plead desperately, "f-fuck, yes, feels so good, jonathan!"
"yeah? you wanna cum?" he cooed as he continued to fuck your sopping pussy, "you wanna cum on this cock?"
"fuck, yes." you pleaded.
his cock was pressed snugly up against your cervix, so deep that you could feel him in your stomach. he continued to stretch your little hole out, ruthlessly pounding his thick cock into you more and more as you started to see stars. your walls started to flutter around him, letting him know that you were close without having to say a word.
"close already, darling?" he asked, "are you gonna cum for me again, hm?"
"y-yes!" you moaned, "ohmygod- i'm gonna-"
your words started to melt together at one point as you got lost in the pleasure of your high. soon enough, your soaking cunt was tightening up around his fat cock, and a clear liquid poured out from you.
of course — you were so turned on by the way he was screwing you that you'd squirted all over his bedsheets.
"oh, darling," he moaned, "that was so fucking sexy, jesus."
"j-jonathan, baby," you begged, "i-i can't-"
"you can, i promise," he groaned, "i'm close."
"p-please." you started to beg incoherently, the overstimulation making your head spin as your cunt fluttered around his cock again.
he continued to ram your tight pussy until his thrusts started to become sloppier and sloppier, and you could tell that he was close to the edge.
"cum i-inside," you begged him, "i need to be filled, fuck-"
"okay, okay," he panted as his he gave you a few more deep, harsh thrusts, 'm'gonna fill you up, darling."
you nodded, your head spinning as he finally came inside with a low groan, painting your walls white as he stuffed you with his warm seed. he stilled, staying inside of your warm hole for just a little longer to ensure you got every last bit of his cum, before pulling out his semi-hard cock.
he bit his lip as he watched his cum drip out of you (the sight of him biting his lip almost made you cum again), and he reached over to untie your wrists as you slumped down against the pillows. he laughed softly, pulling you into him as you instinctively cuddled into his arms.
he pulled the cat ear headband off your head, which you forgot you still had on, and tossed them to the side.
"i guess i'm going to have a hard time getting rid of you, huh? stalker." he joked, sighing as he took in all the details of your pretty face.
"you won't be able to get rid of me," you say softly, "i'm obsessed with you."
"good, i don't want you around anyone but me." he says, playing with your hair gently.
"i know," you giggle, "but stupid love potion was useless. i should've known you were already in love with me."
the both of you laughed softly, snuggled up in his bed as he told you all about what he did on the side for work — and all about his plans to fear gas gotham city.
jonathan trusted you with this because he knew there wasn't a line in existence that you wouldn't cross for him.
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glade-constellation · 10 hours
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It’s so funny, in the most non-funny way possible, that there is an easy solution for what’s happening. The TSAMS characters are currently jumping to the wildest fucking conclusions for how to fix this situation, and they are all absolutely terrible ideas. All they have to do is two things.
First, add the magic suppression barrier to Moon’s cell, the one Eclipse was trapped in a little after V3 first came back. That way Moon can’t pull in any magic or star power. Fixes that whole problem with shocking Moon unconscious.
Second, set a routine. Yep. That simple. All they have to do is set up a routine for Moon to follow every day, and make sure that routine is actually kept.
See, I don’t deal with hallucinations. Never have. But I do deal with heavy dissociation and messy memory on a daily basis. A lot of my time is spent feeling like my world just isn’t real, and being in a weird state of emotional disconnect from everything. It’s just a part of my diagnosis. It’s definitely not the same as what Moon is dealing with — I couldn’t even begin to imagine — but I do feel there are at least some similarities.
Setting myself a routine is one of the things that helps me feel a little more grounded. Doing certain things every day at a certain time helps me feel a little more real, and also helps remind me to do important things like take my medication or feed my pets. It distracts me from thinking about other things, since I’m focus on remembering “okay, in this many minutes, I have to do this thing”.
Setting up a routine for Moon is going to give him something real to follow, and keep him at least a little more distracted from his hallucinations. Yes, it’s going to be hard to talk with him. Everyone is pretty much currently upset with him, so having a civil conversation is going to be difficult. But talking is the best thing to do right now. Set a specific time to talk with him. It doesn’t just have to be therapy talks, they could literally talk about anything. Reminisce over old funny memories together. Tell him about what’s happening with the kids in the daycare. Hell, talk about the world news. Sneaking therapy talk in there is going to be important, but distraction from the hallucinations is going to be what he needs. That routine will give him something to differentiate between real life and hallucinations. If he’s seeing something that’s not a part of the routine, he can recognize it’s not real, and then look forward to the next part of his routine that is real.
The only thing they are currently doing right is keeping Moon in a safe location for both himself and other people. Literally every other thing they are doing right now is the worst possible thing you could do for someone going through psychosis. It’s going to do the exact opposite of what they want for him. None of this is going to help him get better.
Moon needs a legitimate specialized therapist right now, not to be shock into unconscious every time he tries to get free. This is going to make him infinitely worse than he already is.
Would it take longer? Yeah. It’s going to take a lot longer. But healing isn’t instant. It’s not even linear. There are never quick and easy solutions for healing from what Moon has been through. Even doing all the right things, Moon could continue to get worse before showing any sign of getting better. But at least he would get better.
He will never get better if everyone just gives the fuck up.
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Note
are you a therapist or at least qualified to help people like this?
I am not a therapist.
I also always encourage people to consult multiple sources for information, but a lot of information and therapy resources are not accessible to others. It wasn't for me. I self-taught myself all my skills. While I talk about the benefits of therapy, I have never received therapy for the progress I've made. It wasn't available to me. My BPD being in remission is a result of my own hard work.
As I self-taught my skills, I looked into it more and realized a lot of what I was teaching myself was considered a part of DBT so I began studying DBT skills more to learn more about them.
My posts are meant to be a starting point for someone, or at least a validating, gentle voice giving much needed reminders.
If you aren't comfortable using my blog, then please don't. But if other people find it helpful, that's their decision to make.
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roslina-w-bagnie · 3 months
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How to not act stupid towards your gay crush who also has been your best friend for like 4 years and also you're kinda tipsy.
I need a tutorial i feel like anytime i open my mouth im risking the entire thing we have over here
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talkfastcal · 4 months
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Hey mutuals just so you know, I appreciate all of you SO much
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selvepnea · 6 months
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Thinking about. That one post about art. And how it's never good enough. Since you're the one that made it. And how. It might relate to how I view myself?
#Sel talks#Like. Do I like the idea of a masculine body because I think it will make me less me?#I keep thinking about a line from “in stars and time” talking about. How maybe they changed because it was easier than learning to love#Himself as he was.#Keep thinking about something my therapist said last session. About how he would hope there's more restriction around accessing trans#Health-care than there is about getting a medical Marijuana card#And even if it comes from a place of good intent; is still a harmful idea?#I keep forgetting how much importance cis people put on transitioning. And it's just. Not? For me?#My body is just another form of expression for me to form and play with. And I feel like it might be hard to try and get someone who's#Not thought a lot about gender to understand.#I don't really want to lable it as “transitioning” either. My isat brainrot is wanting me to call it “Changing”; bit I'm not sure if that's#Quite accurate either. Like. We don't have a word for playing with different styles of clothes? Why do I need one for messing w other types#Of presentation?#Sigh...#I'm soooo tempted to just go on t and not do anything else. No name change. No sex change. And not tell anyone.#Why do I need to take into consideration how much my decision weighs on other people?#I feel like I've gotten too many reminders that “tomorrow's not promised” or “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives”#“Don't live wondering” or whatever that old lesbian slogan was. “We're all going to die so who cares if it's a waste”? Some will wood song#I'm listening to. I just.#Why am I waiting for the perfect opertunity to transition? Or change or whatever.#I've always considered my want to masculinise as me taking “be the change you want to see” either too far or too literally#I want to see men in dresses!! And if no one else around here is going to do it I guess that falls on me!#Why must I follow everyone else's path to t?? I want to make my own!#Grrr barkbark#I feel so underequiped to change the world; why must I do it?? Can't it just change for me??
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the-acid-pear · 1 month
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Having a shitty family is so demented like yeah found out the cause of my severe depression and anxiety and I know how things could be better but no I have no ability to change anything 👍 like okay what do I start killing now or?
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daincrediblegg · 3 months
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Hey can writing stuff on my laptop stop being so difficult and weird?
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oaky-dokey · 9 months
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trying to make friends is so scary what if i simply exploded instead
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onlythebravest · 1 year
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#tw sick parent figure + tw sick parent when i was younger (sick-sick)#seriously don't read this it's just me rambling#i just write it here bc i don't want to bother people by saying the same thing over and over and over#bc it's nothing new to be said. i just need to get it out yet another time#i hope this drowns in all the louis posts so i can just send this into the void 😂#i've been home for less than 24 hours and i already don't want to be here. it already sucks#i guess in a way it's good bc now i can help but it really sucks and idk how to handle everything#and on top of that my therapist continues to be sick so i don't even have someone to talk to about all of this and it just sits in my head#he is already back at the hospital which makes me just remember all the times my mom went in and out of the hospital when i was younger#well good thing here is that they have something that they now can treat even if they don't know it that's actual cause of not#but doesn't help with all my thoughts about how bad shit is and how it reminds me of my mom and how i can't handle any of this#and am instead rambling in some tags in a tumblr post#i wish i could just shut down all the emotions until he's all better and we don't have to worry anymore and everything is fine again#bc this sucks#i don't want to do this anymore#and i'm sure it's barely begun#bc why would it be easily treatable? that would be a miracle and i don't believe in miracles#life sucks and i really wish it didn't#if you’re down here then that’s impressive bc I wouldn’t be able to read this since it’s just a block of text without any real sentences 😂#and yeah this is just me screaming into the void#don't worry about it i'll be fine
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eddiemunsn · 1 year
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,
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17yearcicada · 2 years
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goodnight guys. i’m starting to be not normal about religion again. fair warning
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g8d · 10 days
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i dreamt of my ex like a week ago and hes been on my mind ever since. i picked up so many mannerisms from him. it feels like part of him will always live in my body. i make faces he used to make. i have a look in my eyes like how he used to look at me.
#at least i dont talk to him in my head every minute of every day anymore.#i don't even know how i feel about seeing him in myself. i guess its kind of comforting.#the dream kind of made me miss him but then it also reminded me of what it was like. so.#fascinating how the story ended between us. he left me so so many times and he always threw some shit in my face while doing it#and in the end i went back to him willingly one(1) time and also ended up leaving willingly and i didn't say shit...#what is there to say ... he was gleeful when i was in pain. Because i was in pain. and it was because of him#when i left i just said it's better if i don't say anything because i knew i would regret anything i could ever possibly say.#because i would worry he wouldn't understand#because if he'd understood then it would not have been like that in the first place. so i told him he would figure it out#since he did tell me when i went back that he was sorry and he thought the things he did to me could cause ptsd. which they did#so like maybe he will understand#anyway i don't care really i just haven't told anyone this part other than my therapist who seemed kind of like#she had to really make an effort to be kind to me about this. because i definitely made mistakes#like hoping for shit he had outright told me would not be happening#i hate when people act like they love me and then pull the rug out from under me and it keeps happening#i mean i have enough self awareness to know that it must be because i have a fucked up understanding of what it means for someone to love me#otherwise i would not be saying all this on the same post about one person like. you know?
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giantkillerjack · 1 year
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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unripe-lemon · 26 days
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Since i know no one will see this:
1 note and i will email my therapist
ok so for this one,, like since then i have emailed my therapist?? that counts right????? tbh i dont even know what to talk abt anymore, but i do have a session with her so dw
2 notes and ill put my laundry away
ugh….. stupid. internet.. making me do things that will make my life easier…. gugh yeah i put my laundry away!!!!! everyone clap now
5 notes and ill try to brush my teeth more often
ok so like for this one i found this video https://youtu.be/pvutTiPY7q8?si=PASnBmUXZ0xiHzWM imma sing this song to myself every tike i dont feel like brushing my teeth
youtube
6 notes and ill try to put on cream for my dermatitis (anxiety hives!!! yayyy!!!!) more often
just did it hehe :) tho it is getting a little worse and my kitten scratched me on top of it 😭
10 notes and ill attempt to learn my timestables
11 notes and ill study for my exams
my exams are over!!!! so idk what to do for this one? maybe ill go do my homework instead
20 notes and ill try to go one day without using my pc/phone
30 notes and ill vaccum (more bc we just adopted kittens) my room entirely
40 notes and ill try to explain my depression to my mom again
50 notes and ill clean my locker out at school
imma do this tmr!!!
i forgot 😭 someone remind me
80 notes and ill fix the posters that are falling off of my wall and are probably going to rip soon
doing this rn! taking dinner break
100 notes and ill REALLY unpack everything with my therapist
maybe tmr?
we talked about medication and kittens, also exams so like success??
200 notes and ill ask my mom if we can go to my go and get! me! medicated!
ill discuss w therapist tmr
discussed with therapist, we are now getting the conversation started with my mom and are going to see what my gp says after that!! :) ty to everyone in the notes rooting for meds
300 notes and ill re organise my bookshelf
400 notes and ill clean all of the mold off of my wall
damn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ion wannaaaaaaaa
this is a weekend activity tbh, and idk if its even going to BE this weekend :P
500 notes and ill clean the mold off of my roof
600 notes and ill try sewing some new clothes
i crocheted a scarf!!! does that count?
700 notes and ill buy some new shoes
800 notes and ill check out dnd club at school (im scared)
900 notes and ill come up with more goals
edit: bro……. 😭
so im gonna take my time w these bc there is a lot to go thru!! i will try my best to remember to update!!! ty for notes :)
- random internet stranger
edit 2: WTF 1000 NOTES GUYS CHILL
ok so like i have to come up with more goals now???
1500 and ill start taking study notes with a study method (rb with study method that is your fav eg cornell method)
1700 and ill attempt to hype myself up enough to eat at school (long story, germs)
2000 notes and ill start whatever book wins this poll:
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radioprune · 1 year
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i don’t know why i hate talking about myself okay it’s the 64,000 dollar question that everyone in my life wants to know and i PROMISE if i knew i would tell okay?
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