#sometimes other people will say xyz is bad and you'll go

[elumish]

I think one of the biggest things I've learned in my own process of trying to be more cognizant of my own writing is that guilt is one of the most counterproductive feelings for it.

I've looked back at things that I've written and realized that they had real, core, structural problems stemming from my own ingrained and socialized issues. These are not just one-line off-color things, but in some cases major elements of how characters are presented or engage with each other or how I did worldbuilding.

Some of it is stuff that came from my own messed up feelings about gender and sexuality and stuff growing up, and some of it is unexamined racism that came from growing up as a white person in the US. But I've looked back at them, including stories that I am still trying to get work, and though oh my god what was wrong with me.

And it's really easy to just live in that feeling. To think, what I did was so terrible and I'm so terrible and it's all hopeless and I can never do it right.

The same feeling can come from seeing posts about how white people write characters of color, about how so many people write women, about the racism and sexism and ableism and transphobia etc. in both fanfiction and published fiction. I'm terrible and it's an insurmountable problem so why bother try because I'll never get it right.

And then sometimes you end up feeling defensive about that guilty, because guilt feels bad, and defensiveness feels like an emotional fix to that, a way to say it's not really my fault or why is this MY problem when so many people are so much worse.

But if you go down that road, then you don't try and it never gets fixed. Because the people who don't feel guilty because they don't care won't fix it, and so we need the people who feel guilty because they do care to turn that guilt into action.

So my recommendation is this: if you look at your own writing or your own media consumption and feel guilty over it, or you feel defensive about it, turn it into thinking about what you can accomplish.

Because that guilt means that you recognize that you're doing something that doesn't match what you want to be doing. So think through how you can get it to be what you want to be doing.

Working to fix something is the way that you fix it. Things get better because we work to make them better, not because we feel guilty about them.

So anyway that's the lesson I've had to teach myself during my own process for this. Sometimes I am the problem, and I can feel guilty about it, or I can try to become part of the solution instead.

[bernardsbendystraws]

a brutally honest post from me to you.

to preface, I know this is a corner of social media where we fangirl and write fanfiction. i'm aware that these issues are not as severe as irl problems, but just because it's not that serious doesn't mean that a stress/frustration/sadness just goes away.

so yeah, i do know that these aren't the biggest issues that people are gonna face in life, but it's some i wanna talk about. if you don't wanna hear it, scroll. this is a judgement free space and i'll block anyone who disturbs that.

[ posts not doing well hurts. ]

when you're brand new, it kinda sucks. getting traction is hard. people like familiar names with familiar writing styles and layouts. they know what they're getting into.

its not because you're writing sucks, it's because you're different. maybe you have some weak points, but everyone has those at some point. so no, it's not you or your skills, it's because you're new and people like gravitate towards familiar things.

when you're not new, it can really suck. now you know you can get the readers, but sometimes that's almost worse. you'll feel like there's more pressure, that you'll never be able to top xyz. and it really hurts, especially if you make something that you're so proud of and it doesn't get as much traction as you hoped it would.

its not because it's bad. there's so many factors. sometimes it's because one of the triplets posted, maybe just an active period on tumblr where the algorithm is really in your favor, or maybe it was because the readers were sharing your work behind the scenes because they loved it so much.

it varies and it sucks. there's pressure to 'do better' but then you feel kinda stuck. you can't always do better, but you can always do your best.

either way, it's not truly your fault. there's so many factors that contribute to how well a post performs. your efforts are still something you should be proud of regardless.

[ friends ]

this is something i've really struggled with. it's really difficult. social ques are not my strong suit, I take things as they are presented to me. every friendship is different and not all of them are created equal.

some people want to be friends for interaction as a transaction. some people want to be your friend to make it seem like they have a place on sturniolo tumblr publicly. some people want to be friends to be your friend. there's a difference.

doesn't matter who you are, how many followers, or how many fics you have. not all intentions are genuine, even if they aren't necessarily bad.

[ drama ]

i've been in drama and i've also watched it. i've tried hard to avoid it but sometimes it is necessary to call out. when i was a smaller blog there were a lot of big blogs people loved that were straight up mean.

i can say confidently that i've never been mean to someone right off the bat for no other reason than thinking i was better than them. that has and will never happen because i know exactly what it feels like.

talk to a person in private first. i don't care what it is. ask them questions and have them give you direct answers. if it is something deeply concerning like a predator, that is an instance where it is important to speak up since it directly effects people on here.

it broke my heart when the juno / bri situation happened and i had dozens of minors dming me saying something happened but they were too scared to speak up.

i really hope that never happens again, but if it does, people need to feel safe enough to go to an adult on here. i'm happy i was that person for a lot of people because i needed a person like that when i was a kid.

put mdni on all you want, but please don't isolate minors when they are wanting to feel included. that's puts them at an even more vulnerable position and people know that. draw boundaries but keep all of this in mind.

i can and always will admit when i'm wrong even if i'm still hurt by the other person. apologizing isn't something that says 'oh this person is wrong, that person is right,' it's something that is required for basic human decency and respect. if i hurt someone, i want them to at least have the closure of having an apology.

i can't take back the actions or words, but i can validate their feelings and that's really important since we're all human and have feelings.

agree to disagree if you need to at the end of the day, but leave people alone. exposing people for things that aren't necessary is never gonna make you feel better.

interacting and creating genuine friendships will you give a lot more peace and joy then hate and conflict ever will.

point is, treat others how you want to be treated. we're all humans with feelings and coming here for an escape to fangirl and write. do things to make the community better. do things to make yourself happy and proud in the long term.

i appretiate anyone who has stayed to read this, truly. i don't know how much of a difference it will make but i don't care. i said what i said and i meant it. if this helps one person, that already makes it worth it in my eyes.

i love being apart of this community and i hope we can build it to something we're all proud of and wanting to be apart of at the end of the day.

with love and big tits, rose 🫶🏻

[egg-emperor]

I think if there wasn't such a stigma and negative connotation applied to fetishes, where people act like they're inherently predatory and that those that have them have no respect for people or their boundaries when it comes anyone that can potentially fulfill said fetish, then accusations of things being fetishes even in cases where they aren't wouldn't matter

Like I do have a bunch of fetishes and they're not just preferences that influence what I'm attracted to, they're fetish status and I think that's fine. I'm not ashamed and I'm very chill about everyone else's too because I don't react or judge based on disgust factor and I know they're not inherently immoral to have, no matter what they are. It doesn't rule or control how you act and embracing them doesn't inhibit you from being good to others and not involving people who don't want to be involved

I know that I have certain ones where people will assume it says something about my morals and whether I'll respect people/be sensible around things that can appeal to and fulfill them (Example: body type) but I know it's not true for myself and many others. It does stop me from being as open as I'd like to be about them to the point I'm always on the fence with promoting one of my other blogs but I'm not ashamed, I just don't want drama from close-minded people

Most people have fetishes, I feel like it's very rare not to yet 98% of people aren't just going around dehumanizing anyone that could potentially entertain them and being inappropriate with people who didn't consent just on the basis of having them. And you don't just pick them and you can't choose to just switch them off, when it comes to people having issues with certain kinds existing at all lol. You can only choose how you go about it and whether you'll respect people's boundaries and not physically bring them into it if they don't agree to it

My fetishes do seep into concepts I create a lot and if too explicit and obvious they go on the appropriate blogs or the appropriate tags. I'm using a character to fulfill it who happens to fit the bill very well. And if someone accuses me of dehumanizing real life people, despite not even seeing how I can be respectful and sensible around those who could potentially entertain them, then I think they're just silly and it doesn't bother me. Fetishes aren't inherently predatory and dehumanizing and people are still capable of respecting real people and keeping things fantasy/only physically involving people when they consent

And it's because of this that when I see someone go "Um this person fetishized XYZ they're a bad person", it doesn't matter to me and I don't need them to insist that it isn't one for it to be okay. I understand that sometimes it isn't and someone is being wrongfully accused but I think that would be met much less negatively if it hadn't been so stigmatized. So instead I'm like "Alright, so what if it is a fetish for them?" if I can see that they're clearly sensible and respectful and safe and sane and consensual about it Idc. Go be free and get your rocks off however you want then, that's awesome I support you

[thedreadvampy]

I think a thing that I often react strongly with is that I really do not think it's ever actually correct to say that a specific experience of rape or abuse is exclusive to a certain group of people.

and it happens a lot, implicitly or explicitly. people will say 'yes rape is bad for everyone but unless you're a man/a woman/transfem/transmasc/a lesbian/asexual/xyz you can't understand [feature of rape culture]' or just speak to you as someone uniquely vulnerable to a certain experience.

and I find this. difficult. because we're all saying it in different directions and I wanna know at what point we have to acknowledge that cis women, cis men, trans women, trans men, non-binary people both AFAB AMAB and other, people of every race, sexuality, and social circumstance, are all subject to the stigmatisation, trauma and dehumanisation of rape and abuse

but it's difficult because it's a fairly subtle distinction. because there is pattern analysis involved. Like for example being victimised then framed as a threat is not unique to trans and black women but it definitely happens more often. Being slutshamed in court as part of the case for the defense is not unique to women and people perceived as women but misogyny does provide more tools to do that than it does for cishet men.

recognising that there's a difference between individual and systemic experience doesn't mean ignoring systems.

but also, I really would like us to be clear about these distinctions and also to listen better to each other. cause I cannot count the amount of times I've heard male survivors (including trans men who have experienced being raped as women and treated very poorly as women, which is weird) confidently assert that only men are silenced and treated as if being raped is a weakness or failure of will, and are uniquely Not Taken Seriously. A lot of materials on transfem self-protection I've seen frame 'if you cause a scene you'll be treated as an aggressor' as exclusive to transfems or to AMAB or male-perceived victims. A lot of cis women claim that only AFAB people experience sexualisation on sight, or bodily control, or constant threat, or sometimes rape at all (tbh cis women say a lot of shite in this area). I've seen both lesbians and asexuals claim that experiencing corrective rape only happens to their community. I've seen a lot of people say a lot of shit is Only Comprehensible To Their Specific Group, basically.

and like ultimately, and I could go on listing examples for 1000000 years, a lot of these experiences are not just 'occasionally other groups catch flak' but a vast majority of them are like. Extremely common across basically all demographics of survivors. And I would really really really like us to be able to acknowledge that without losing sight of the fact that marginalisation does affect how likely certain tools are to be used and certain experiences are to be associated.

I actually don't know how to say this without it looking like I'm saying 'everyone is equal and we're all the same and don't need systems thinking', which I'm not. but like. please listen when people tell you about their experiences cause I have talked with a LOT of people of a LOT of different backgrounds, identities and genders about their experiences of abuse, rape, and the associated stigma and there are differences but as survivors, we have more experiences in common than different tbh.

[literaticat]

I'm struggling not to take things personally as I navigate my debut with a big 5. Rationally, I know that publishing is slow, and people are busy, and it's normal for things to take a long time. But when my editor doesn't reply to me or fails to meet deadlines, it makes me feel really crappy, like I'm worthless and nobody respects me. My agent tells me it's normal, but sometimes it almost feels like she's gaslighting me to put up with unprofessional behavior. What would you tell your clients?

To be honest, I'd probably sound a lot like your agent. Like, obviously I'd reassure you (you aren't worthless, everyone respects you, if somebody else is late with something or ghosts you, that's a reflection of THEM, not YOU!) -- and I would endeavor to chase them for answers as well -- but also, I'd have to tell you that... well, it's kinda normal?

I DON'T LIKE IT, mind you -- but it IS kinda normal. I don't think your agent is gaslighting you -- I suspect your agent is just being frank. Publishing is slow, people are busy, it's VERY normal for things to take a long time (and what ever you THINK "a long time" is, is probably not close to the reality!) -- and lots of times people drop balls -- not because YOU did anything - but because there are too many balls, they don't have enough hands, and every book has many points at which slowdowns and problems might happen, creating a domino effect, etc.

I'd also refer you to this old post about the Infamous Editor Shame Spiral -- I'm not saying that's exactly what's going on here, because IDK -- I just do think that sometimes, what's happening with an editor being radio silence has something to do with this. They don't want to say no, or they don't know how to say whatever they have to say, or don't have time to craft the perfect way to say it, or they simply have no answers for you right now, and they think "I'll definitely get to this ASAP", and then ASAP doesn't come. -- and btw it's NOT JUST EDITORS, I'm guilty of this as well, sometimes, and I'm sure most agents and editors can relate to this, as much as we don't like it. (BECAUSE WE DON'T! IT'S BAD! WE FEEL TERRIBLE!)

Another thing - - not an excuse, just, a thing I feel compelled to say - - a lot of times you hear people say "XYZ would never fly in [some other] business setting!" or "how dare they do XYZ, that would NEVER happen in a Widget Factory!" -- well, OK. But this isn't some other business setting, or a widget factory. Publishing is a weird business that's different from a lot of other businesses, some different norms and timelines and expectations are not always directly translatable to Widget production or whatever other business. That is NOT to say that anyone should treat you badly, of course! But just to say... some things just *are weird* about publishing and you have to kinda get used to that and develop a thick skin about it, or else you'll go bonkers. Getting publishers to stop acting like publishers is probably not on the table!

[endykelopaedia]

i have a question that i think is a little stupid but has been eating at me for some time and i really dont know where else to ask it. you can ignore this, or leave it to your followers to answer, or ignore it completely thats up to you.

somewhat related to a recent post of yours, i am a trans guy who has become exceedingly self conscious because of constant comments from my friends and even family about how all men are evil and ugly, facial hair and other masculine traits being undesirable, to the point it has made me feel excluded from certain spaces for being bad or wrong somehow.

i suppose my genuine question is, is there a word for what im experiencing? am i just being too sensitive?? thank you for reading this

first wanna say thanks for feelin comfortable coming to me, and you aren't being stupid or too sensitive. really, a lot of men go through this pattern of thought. so lets talk.

I wanna consider why your friends/family say these negative comments about men, becuase sometimes that isnt just what they're doing, and thats of note.

If they're directing these kinds of comments at you and only at you in response to your transition, that is capital T Transphobia you're experiencing and I would confront them on this if you feel safe.

I have definitely been in situations where people have found out I am transmasc and started talking shit about men & masculinity as a cugel to talk shit abt my "choice" to transition.

Do not take this kind of behaviour at face value, because people who are doing this dont actually give a fuck about men being ugly or w/e, they only direct this kind of negativity towards men with a marginalised identity that they are prejudiced against, trans men's transness in this case.

This attitude of "but why would you want to be trans a man (or woman if it applies) when you'll be they're so xyz" is almost always directed at trans people with the explicit goal of questioning or discouraging our transition. there's nothing bad or wrong about being a man, & there's nothing bad or wrong about being a trans man. you can be sure about that.

sometimes people rlly are just complaining abt men though, yk, as people victimised by men. there is a big big difference between someone intentionally making you feel bad for "choosing" to be a man & someone generally upset with men as a whole (socio-political class).

im not gonna ask you to feel nothing when people do this, but try to be conscious of what someone is actually doing as well a the words themselves.

[npd-vriska]

the thing is right, sometimes it's not about "reading comprehension". there are a lot of people who will engage with something that goes "this character's ideology is bad" and come away thinking "well i disagree with the story that character has awesome ideas"

most obviously this is how you get fascist reappropriation of antifascist works, but that also applies to a lot of other emotional ideas. people don't want to be told the way they're feeling is wrong! so you can have people who genuinely believe "XYZ character is totally right distancing yourself emotionally from the people around you is the only way to survive" or whatever, and it doesn't necessarily mean they didn't understand that the story was saying it's bad. it's entirely possible that they do and they simply disagree. in fact, i think it's MOST LIKELY that they do.

and that's just true of most things, i think. whatever we're talking about here, be it a book or a movie or even a random ass post about someone's opinion, you can really make yourself go insane trying to convince that kind of person. you'll say "how can you not get it?" and they'll be very confused, they'll say "of course i get it! do you think i'm stupid?" and then go on to add something completely contradictory to the point. and it's easy to go, ok well they're just stupid and leave it at that.

but there is something dangerous in thinking of the world as People Who Agree With Me (Smart, Understanders Of Things) and People Who Disagree With Me (Dumb, Have Never Read A Book), and not just because intelligence is a flawed and often fascistic concept in itself. even if they're coming from a bad place, even if their opinion is legitimately trash, is it not worth it to actually think about why they think that way? to at least have them explain themself so you can see where they're coming from before dismissing them entirely?

and, look, i'm not saying to treat every opinion with the same weight as everyone else's or to go debate bigots or whatever. but i am saying you have to eventually confront the truth that even the worst takes can, in fact, come from people with the exact same capacity for thought and reasoning as you. not only because there is a legitimate difference between someone who Does Not Get It and someone who Gets It But Has A Wack Take, and knowing how to spot it will make your life far easier, but because it is legitimately necessary to live in a community. and it does in fact start with silly little things that don't matter like arguing about cartoons for 5 year olds on tunglr dot hell.

[1941-crowley-slut]

Rant incoming

I cannot STAND how my mom talks to me about church when she wants me to go.

For context, we obviously stopped going during covid so we were away for 2-3 years and though she watched the live broadcast every Sunday, I didn't. In fact I always deliberately left the room at that time to stay away from it. At some point I told her I don't believe anymore (honestly I remember having doubts and questions (Crowley coded lmao) since I was a kid but 11-12 is where it really just set in that I don't have that kind of faith). She didn't take ir horribly bad but told me at the time she'd like it if I still joined her at church sometimes. Which, fine. Okay.

Fast forward to when she is actually going back to church and just throws on me the news that I am going too. Doesn't ask, just tells me I'm going. And I'm pissed as fuck the whole day after that, to the point that when she asks me to find my clothes for church I actually just keep looking at my closet and want to tear everything apart. I really avoid conflicts with my mother but this one had me. I was PISSED. So when she finally asked what was going on I told her "I don't want to go". And it wasn't so much that I wasn't willing to do it for her, it's that I felt she had no regard for my beliefs and just wanted her way. A

And funnily enough, she did. Because the reponse to that was: "I know, but I'd already told you I want you to come with me sometimes. Is it so terrible, you can't even make this one little sacrifice for your mother?"

Not me being guilt tripped, but anyway. I don't remember the end of that conversation but I remember other times. Once again for context, I was in 12th grade the year that passed and it was incredibly difficult study-wise. I had 6-7 hours of school every day, then anywhere from 2-5 hours of extra studies (sometimes almost immediately) and then I also had to do homework for both school and extra studies (seperate) and a lot of it was learning things by heart, plus we had tests and exams all the time like ALL the time, some weeks I'd have 5 tests in 3 days and I was going insane. Plus on extra studies we wrote exams on Saturdays. So it was all very very hectic and mom knew that and she was very awesome for the most part, but when it came to church she just didn't. Listen. To me.

She would go "You'll come this Sunday because the next weeks will be harder for you" but the matter of the fact was, she didn't know what weeks were harder for me. She thought for xyz reasons that later it'd be worse, but in reality the times she wanted me to go i was drowning in work and getting anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns cause everything was so much. Too much. And I'd say something like "Well this week's pretty bad" and expect her to get the hint but she'd go "it's just one hour in the morning, how important is it really, you probably wouldnt even be studying then"

(Not to mention it's not really 1 hour cause I need like an hour just to wake up and get ready, then 20 minute drive, the service was either 1 or 1 and a half hours, then it was however long chatting up with all the church people, another 20 minute drive home and then I was tired and we would have lunch and I just wanted to relax and sleep etc etc. So it wasnt at all just an hour. And maybe even if I hadn't gone to church that day, it'd still be afternoon and I wouldn't have gotten started on any work. But at least I would have spent some time for myself and then would force myself to work. But anyway again)

She just does this thing where she doesn't even ask or give me the illusion of a choice. Cause the truth is that church is usually not that bad, I can deal with it, it's fine. But I hate it just because she makes me feel forced to go. If she was just like "Hey, could you come with me to church this Sunday? I'd like that" I would be much happier to go. I know she doesn't want to be by herself and that she worries about what the church peoole will think (which pisses me off as well but thats another story), I don't mind keeping her company. But I mind when she suddenly springs it on me on Saturdays that "We're going to church tomorrow" and even if I show my discomfort with it she's like "Well you have to come sometimes."

And she just she has this way that I don't understand that when she says anything related to me going to church (e.g. "Find your clothes for tomorrow to see if anything needs to be ironed"), she says it in this firm tone and so suddenly that you just even subconsciously know you have no say in this. I don't get to react to this or have an opinion, it's just something I have to do. Because she said so. And if I was to try and react, she'd circle right back to guilt-tripping me (which at this point would be really funny because I have been trying lately to help her in every way I can so it's not like "You do everything for me and I'll do this small favor for you by coming with you", I have been offering to help with chores, I've been offering to learn stuff I dont know how to do so I can help her around the house, I have been helping as far as I can. But nonetheless I know this will end badly if I try to argue)

Anyway yeah it's just. I'm tired. At first I thought it was her desperate attempt to get me back into the church, to make me believe again. Now, though I still think she clings onto some hope about that, I also believe she thinks I'm too far gone for that and really just wants me there for company and for the eyes of the world, so none of the people know I'm not a believer anymore and supposedly think of her as a failed mother.

I'd just like to be counted like an equal person in here. Especially what with reaching adulthood and all. Like she actually scolded me when I said "I'd like to go out with my friends" and waited for their approval, because she said I was just making announcements and she wants me to ask next time. Even though I was still essentially waiting for them to say yes or no, I wasn't announcing anything. And she's said this before too, I'd leave for extra studies a little earlier sometimes to go get bubble tea and I'd tell her and then she'd go "I want you to ask beforehand". Why? She wasnt even home, no one was, and I would've left like 30 minutes later anyway cause I had to, what's the big deal? Or is it just about being controlled, hm? Is it that she can't watch me be an independent person? Feels like it.

Anyway my point was I have to literally ask for everything, like with a "Can I" and a question mark and all, because "We might have something else planned" (which as I said, if they had something planned for us to do would they not tell me? And either way, if something came up I'd just tell my friends I couldn't hang out after all cause something came up and it'd be fine. But no, she insisted.) but when it comes to me she just says "You're coming" and that's it and I HATE it. I HATE IT.

If she thinks she's bringing me closer to church this way someone tell her she couldn't be more wrong.

[ursbearhug]

I would say I hate to be hater but... Lmao, no I don't. Gaslight gatekeep girlboss.

I think we need higher bar for people to write some types of review because it ends up with 'nothing reviews' clogging the entire filter giving off the illusion of loud one sided opinion, when in reality, as per usual, it's just that really annoying people bark the loudest, deluding themselves and others to believe they're in majority.

I've been on this before but valid criticism needs a point of context. If you say 'well xyz is bad and it sucks and it's shit', that's just yapping words with no cohesion. There is little to no feedback from this, it's just words ™, some of it are not even correctly formulated sentences. Why is it bad? What makes you think and/or feel it sucks? Why is it shit? But most importantly, what is your vision of change?

My biggest gripe with a lot of viddy games is that they introduce dashing but no invinciblity frames or phasing. It's infuriating because it punishes players who would rather establish offensive position than defensive ones. If you give players defensive tools, you can't force them to that one pattern of defence, just on ideological levels. Players should be allowed to dash into the enemy attack like an idiot if they so please. I'm not a bitch, I am not gonna get a plane ticket every time I need to move out of the way of attack just because there is no i-frames. The Curse of the Dead Gods have such a negligible i-frames but it HAS fucking i-frames, which means skilled players can make use of it. It has precise parrying for people who enjoy parrying. Both of these mechanics have downsides (if you dodge you cannot attack because attacks and dodge rolls are tied to same stamina mechanic, likewise, parry shrinks your weapon choices because you cannot go bow+shield, or bombs and shield) and upsides (despite being very brief i-frames are still i-frames and they're life saving, some attacks are unblockable so you have to dodge; so it makes you less complacent, and even still; correct parries reward you with stamina meaning you can potentially attack for longer or for that matter - dodge). Meanwhile in the Wizards of the Legends not only you have no i-frames, but you cannot phase through enemies, so the game specifically punishes you for not playing the way THEY want you to play. So the dashing is incredibly clunky mechanic that also just doesn't work sometimes and at this point, you may remove it entirely. There is no upside to dashing, beside procing some of the spells, maybe moving faster I guess, and few downsides like; panic dashing into enemy and getting stunlocked to death, getting stuck on environment and/or enemies and again, active and conscious punishment of aggressive playstyle. A lot of players with gaming experience will attempt to dash THROUGH the spell or attack because that's the best way to make sure it does not hit you or clip you. That's like the first thing you learn playing any other dungeon crawler or other games that emphasise agility (like souls-like). But in Wizards of the Legends? You can't do that because as a matter of fact, sometimes, you'll get hit TWICE for attempting this. It makes it into very frustrating gaming loop.

With that kind of criticism you can work; okay player A wants the dodging to feel less like shit and not be actively punished for using it in combat. Player A also shows example of how the dodge can potentially be balanced using ideas existing in other games. This applies to other things too. Like, you read a book that is not to your standards? Write how is it bad in your opinion and how you'd change it perhaps. These things are feasible.

Game critism just makes me feel as if I'm losing braincells. There is nothing akin to coherent logic or opinion. It's just whining and complaining.

Also, I WILL say it knowing very well how bad it sounds, but I will gatekeep skill floor. I've seen you play, you play as if you're missing all four fucking limbs and sever brain injury resulting in a lobotomy, this is fucking offensive. And you have the audacity to shit talk!, Lord Zeus! Goodness gracious.

I have 0 issues with players who just enjoy or don't enjoy the game and writing their silly little reviews, purely because they happen to be more articulate. You don't have to be playing a game professionally for 4000 hours, but if you can't fucking play the game, how about you keep your 'journalism' or 'critisim' to your fucking self, good fucking God, I can't.

Gaslight gatekeep girlblog.

[fleshrenderturbine]

idk why hes poking at u for being childish and edgy lol. bro has no place to be like "hurrr ur edgy" when he's a stereotypical gore-loving sanrio and gloomy bear edgelord

Big unintentional tangent coming up, i've got nothing to do this hour so I ended up spilling feelings/reminescent thoughts from the day But yeeeeeeeah I mean there's nothing wrong w/liking said things, I AM edgy and proudly cringe to be fair but i tend to flip flop between dark aesthetics and then weird angelic surreal aesthetics because. It's cool. It's what I identify with personally for a variety of reasons. As for the roblox + childish quip, I never got to enjoy dumb games/stuff like roblox as a kid and I think there's smth nice with indulging in little happy stuff as an adult, like yea i have my dumb happy indulgent side but I also am heavily focused on self-improvement outside of this, obviously like everyone else im also flawed but I really like tackling it and im finally doing better in life now after my own escape with abusive family, but it was hell to get out of and I also got lucky. I might complain about my past (it was bad and ofc i have residual problems, its still fresh) but i do acknowledge that besides the problems said past has loaded me with mentally, im doing much better for myself now and almost completely individualized, I drive, work, and am pretty independant despite how childish i may appear, sure. But on this topic again iirc Spencer age regresses and stuff + plays roblox too. A LOT of adults play fortnite, minecraft, roblox ect nowadays they're just stupid fun games, idc. As long as ur not being weird on the platform cus good grief roblox is bad with that.

People will hound and pick apart anything for insults-sake just because they dont like you despite anything ironic about it, and it really shows here. I can dig into him if i wanted to and embarass the fuck out of him w/what I know, but it's old and I dont think reflects his current persona despite him playing down how big it actually was to look better. You can tear just about anyone down if you know how to depending on what material you have to go off of, all I did was change my desc to a link to a song I liked, threw on a pfp, and bam they rip into it.. which despite how tame / relaxed my main is, it just goes to show that I was right to remain anon. Regardless I won't go out of my way to insult like that, just bluff about it (obviously). There's truly nothing constructive in insulting that kind of thing and anyone who has eyes can see the hypocrisy even if they like the guy but won't say it. That itself is embarassing to anyone watching. This is off topic, but while I'm here im still cringing at the "if you wanna talk to him you'll have to go through me ):<" big baddie viktor persona or friend or alter in his account whoever that was attempting to intimidate me. Wow. Now IRONICALLY the problem to me is that if I spoke directly, i'd be chill + almost too chill despite how harsh i've been here. I have a side of myself that is very, very dedicated to helping the right people if they listen and genuinely wish to help themselves. I helped myself escape my situation ofc, helped my partner, I helped 3 people deemed irredeemable elsewhere, (arguably who didnt need help, and I understand why theyd be hated for xyz plus i'd emphazise to them that if they want to change, they have to see what others hate about them and agree its rational. I dont believe in people becoming the worst versions of themsleves and hurting others in the future if it can be stopped) I generally know how to help people look for resources but sometimes it is really hard depending on your personal case. That said as well i can also be rage bent and chase anyone who I think escaping, identifying with the same behavior after knowing better, and choosing to be miserable. I LOATHE people like that and it absoloutely shows. I'll reiterate on this but I used to be similar to him until my 4th and most effective therapist called me out on it. I was pissed initially but then overtime i learned that damn ok, she's actually right. I blame a lot of my own personal growth on her help. Sometimes being 100% gentle isn't going to work but neither is beating someone to death ofc. I also think there's a difference between sugarcoating vs. dead-honest critisism, I like the latter. This is going to sound harsh but generally; I dont want you to prove to me how inhibited you are or how bad you have it to make a point to me and garner sympathy from those around you. There's been enough of that. It's def good to vent but theres a difference here im trying to make clear - after a select few instances, its very obvious for me and others that Spencer has learned how to profit and gain a following from acting pathetic, lying, and playing up what he seems to go through to garner an overprotective circle in a way. Its good to have a support group, always, but this feels different. IM NOT SAYING HE WILL REMAIN THIS WAY. I HOPE HE DOESNT. Im simply calling it out and im sure despite the song and dance on main he knows what i mean.

I want to see motivation to grow instead of choosing to wallow in misery, it might suck for awhile to brave through what you're enduring but you'll thank yourself later for sure. My talk with ybt also showed to me that I dont think these people know what they're doing w/resources, honestly. But again what I want to see self respect and TRUE admittance to ones mistake. People do not know how actively damaging it is to choose to play up their misery to a level thats unrealistic and isnt actually reflecting what they're going through for pity/donations/etc. (disclaimer, I will say a lot of the time you dont even know you're doing it but i have reason to believe he should know) i've been that way myself before, so I do know what it's like. I just got very lucky with my resources last year and someone irl who helped me out. I have a bad habit of also suddenly becoming way too soft when communicating with people like this. Probably bcs due to [insert disorder here] and i'd take on the "oh everything is ok now!" type of tone and regretting it later like i have before bcs I will fail to really hammer in what I need to, thus rendering the conversation ineffective and possibly being taken advantage of. I'd go on but itsssss.. intricate and tedious to get into. I can ramble forever if im given the stage. Whoops.

[uncloseted]

Do you have any advice for having better friendships with your coworkers? Every job I've worked I felt like everyone hated me and thought I was annoying or bad at my job and I wished I could've been the person they laughed with or shared about their life. I'm jealous of my boyfriend because I feel like he gets along with everyone and has good relationships with people. I'm going into a new job soon and I really want to make people feel comfortable around me and feel like we can talk.

Also on the coworker question: sometimes I would try to joke with my coworkers and people would never laugh, they would just kind of look at me like I was being completely serious. Sometimes I felt like they were even scared of me? Idk. Im also really conflict avoidant and I'm always scared of workplace politics and being in drama.

I think sometimes with coworkers, it's just a group of people that you don't mesh with for one reason or another, and that's okay. It doesn't necessarily have to do with you as a person, but rather that you're just not meshing with the culture other people in the company have formed. My previous job was definitely like that for me, but in my current job, my coworkers are some of my best friends. If you work somewhere where the majority of the people have a different life experience from you (for example, a different gender, race, socioeconomic class, sexuality, political leanings, age, stage of life, interests), then that might be the reason you're having trouble connecting with your coworkers.

In general, though, I think if you're friendly, people will be friendly back to you. Smile, make eye contact when you're talking, and greet people when you see them. Actively listen to what your coworkers are saying and ask follow-up questions, even if you're not super interested in what they're saying. Look for common interests that you might have with them and bring those into the conversation you're having so it feels like a back-and-forth instead of an interrogation. Remember what you've talked about in the past and bring it up in the future ("hey, you mentioned that you were going to xyz event this past weekend, how was it? I've been thinking about going"), but don't over-do it. Try to have a positive attitude, even when the people around you are complaining, and offer help and support where you can. Make sure to thank your coworkers when they do something for you or to make a point of telling them when you think they've done good work. As far as humor goes, it may be that your sense of humor is different than your coworkers', and so it may take a little bit for you to figure out what they find funny and to adjust.

But in general, I think as long as you do your job well, don't complain too much, and don't actively make other people feel uncomfortable, you'll skip the workplace politics and drama, even if you're not great friends with everyone that you work with.

[keshetchai]

Disclaimer that the easiest and most effective thing to do is simply block and ignore them. Probably also the most healthy for you mentally.

And don't use this with unhinged people, use your best judgment here, and block when you need to as a first option, not last. Also this probably works better with people who are interested in appearing like they listen to "all sides" or are fair and unbiased, or who care about like hearing people out, or whatever. (Including conservatives who just want to decry how no one listens to them.) And also people who want to appear liberal.

this works because it's happening in public, and because people want to be heard out, and they also don't want to listen.

BUT,

If you don't want to block them immediately for whatever reason, and you aren't being threatened and for some reason you want to engage with this person, this is what I do:

First: I establish we disagree. I establish I am currently communicating with them — this means we could actually continue this discussion and what they want is to be listened to. That's fine. But I don't want to continue the discussion the way it is right now. This part is nebulous, you're just sort of...doing whatever to indicate you realize the conversation was going nowhere.

Got it? Okay.

Second: you pivot to The Offer. The way this gets set up will vary. Sometimes they asked you to read/watch/listen to something and then you can turn this request back on them. Sometimes you can transition from something they said. Sometimes you just don't use any lead in at all.

But the key part is this:

when was the last time you visited a Holocaust museum? Have you ever visited one?

(They've never answered anything recent. Never. If they did, they were usually children.)

Then you pitch it to them:

You're going to offer to help them find the nearest Holocaust museum to them, and you will reimburse their trip by covering ticket admission or parking costs. then after they've been, you can totally continue to discuss their claims or read/watch whatever thing etc.

Where do they live? A day's travel to you? Far away? If you both live a days travel from the nearest one, you tell them you'll join them and go together whenever you can schedule it. If you don't, you offer to reimburse them the cost of admission (if there was any ticket price) or parking contingent on proof of their museum admission ticket. I say that. I tell them I will pay for their ticket, or if there was no ticket, the cost of parking.

If you don't have money just offer to plan logistics. Find the easiest way to get there. Offer to help schedule them for a museum tour, even.

I don't know why this works literally every time I offer, but it does. And by work, I mean no one has ever actually taken up the offer. No one says "okay, if you pay me back for museum parking, I'll go spend a few hours at the Holocaust museum near me." No one says "okay, I'll meet you there and we can go together, if you promise to read this book I want you to read afterwards."

Most of the time they just stop talking. Or they ignore it and try to change the conversation again. Too bad. This is public and people see them side stepping. On Twitter it gets funny because they'll start ignoring you to argue with other jews, and then you can point this out to everyone.

It works great when this person is still trying to talk about witch hunts, or how other people won't do x or y thing they demanded, complain about an unwillingness to have "civil discourse" or whatever silly claim and insist they know XYZ, that they're soooo educated. but you already just had them admit they've never been to a Holocaust museum (and frankly that'd be fine if they ever read any genuine history or Holocaust scholarship, but they haven't done that either) and also they ignored your offer to help them visit one. You even said you'd pay for it! You'd find the nearest museum. You'd go with them personally if you can get to their closest museum.

It's like popping a bubble on them. They drop the conversation. They don't respond to the challenge. If they talk to other people, you can tell those other people about your offer to this person. Other Jews they try to argue with can see how you've signalled they're full of shit if they try to act like they're willing to learn or converse. Sometimes they'll block you, but most of them don't do that until after I've brought up my offer to several other people they were trying to engage or argue with, and they then sense they no longer look good to the audience.

I've never had a single person say yes, they'd do it. I promised up and down I would read whatever 500 page terrible hardback they wanted if they also agreed to do this, and I ALWAYS mean it. No one does it.

Not a one! Although the person who taught me this trick i think(?) has actually managed to get one person to go out of the many many times he's done this.

But it sure does make them stop every time! Also it keeps you from trying to continually argue and educate with no progress while only getting more upset! Stop doing that, it only stresses you out!! Go straight to The Offer!!

If you don't block these people straight off, don't argue with them and infuriate yourself but get nowhere. Just make The Offer. It kinda operates on the same principles of unbalancing people by leveraging peer approval and shame to get them to not make shitty racist jokes or say a slur. Or when you vocally deny whatever it is they want (talked about here a bit.) Like it's not identical, but it does do the thing of not arguing and debunking point by point, but instead redirecting and giving the conversation boundaries publicly.

(And then you block them if you think you'll try arguing again. Don't do that).

Have I already talked about my magic trick to get annoying people on the Internet to shut up when incorrectly invoking/misusing the Holocaust or soft denying it? Like when they are trying to argue something stupid wrong or just toss it around like it's only a rhetorical talking point?

[lord-squiggletits]

It actually really annoys me how "expecting people to read the source material" is considered gatekeeping these days because like. Besides the obvious reasons, it's pretty off-putting trying to have conversations with people who only know a bite sized chunk of the overall story they claim to be a fan of? Like it's so off-putting to try and jump into a headcanon conversation like "oh yeah I think you could also add this aspect from this part of the comics" and the response you get is either "I haven't read that part" at best or "I literally don't care" at worst because it's like. Okay. I don't really want to hang out with people who seem disinterested or outright hateful towards the things that I like, so I'm literally just going to leave that space.

I guess you can be a fan of something without consuming every story it has to offer, but it's pretty fucking annoying to share fandom spaces with people who basically don't give a damn about the source material and will call you a meanie if you point out how this is perhaps a little bit strange.

[incarnadinedreams]

One of the things that sucks about having such a divided fandom is that it kinda makes it feel like discussion 'across the gap' is pointless. This is the only fandom that I have ever actually blocked people in.

When someone comments on a post in a seemingly mostly innocuous way, and then you look at their blog and it's all anti stuff and it's like. Do you bother having the discussion knowing it'll go nowhere and they're probably just baiting you, or do you try to engage and hope it's the 1% chance it'll actually be an interesting discussion?

I still feel some sort of weird guilt over it because on principle it feels a bit wrong to cultivate an echo chamber. But also, it's fandom and it's just for fun and in this fandom it's not fun to engage.

I am just Old Enough to remember forum discussions where we'd spend 20+ pages debating something, it'd be knock down drag out and sometimes get heated, but it never felt bad or personal the way anti nonsense in the MDZS fandom does. I don't know if it's just different age demographics or taste preferences (most of my other fandoms have been dark to grimdark fantasy novels where literally nobody cares about morality that much, or anime/manga series where literally nobody cares about morality that much, or games in fantasy settings with dark themes... where nobody cares about morality that much... etc). Is it the romance element? The translation factor (being that I'm primarily interacting with English-language fans and so we're always a step or five removed from truly understanding the source material).

This is the only fandom I've been in where some people seem to impute some sort of moral judgement based on character preferences and it's wild to me. That's never happened with other books I've discussed. For example, one of the most universally loved characters in western dark fantasy is Glokta (from Joe Abercrombie's The First Law trilogy, which I read and enjoyed but am not like a super fan of - as a whole it was just okay for me - however Glokta specifically is an absolute stand-out as a character). Everyone I know loves Glokta, even my vegan friend who literally rescues bunnies as a hobby.

Glokta is just Literally Worse than Jiang Cheng in pretty much every way (love him for that). And yet 'I love Glokta' is one of the most unanimous, bland, and uncontroversial declarations you can make on a fantasy discussion board/subreddit. Even people who didn't particularly care for the books like Glokta. At best you'll have people say "eh, it just crossed a line for me when he did XYZ so I can't like him" but not "oh my god you're a horrible person for liking him, you're a TORTURE APOLOGIST!!!"

I don't mind being told I'm wrong about a point (with some sort of evidence) or 'hey, does this passage from page X change your interpretation if you reread it in Y context?' or whatever. Even among people who enjoy Jiang Cheng there are a variety of takes and flavors and points on various things and I enjoy the debates and different angles very much! Sometimes I find myself liking interpretations that directly dovetail with my own; not necessarily contradictory, but a reading that's going off in a very different direction.

But there's a certain point at which it feels pointless to engage, where it's just never going to be productive or interesting because the underlying reading is just fundamentally so different that it feels like a truly separate book.

Anyway the point is that I don't mind being disagreed with but sorry if I block you after seeing that all your reblogs are anti stuff because at this point taking the bait will just trigger all of my "someone is WRONG on the INTERNET!!!!" reflexes or whatever and ain't nobody got time for that.

Edit: oops, I left out a word...

[sheepdog-and-fakegoldenretriever]

I saw your addition to a post about animal shelters and rehoming dogs. Do you have any advice or tips for a cat person who will probably end up adopting dogs some day because my partner is allergic to cats and really loves dogs, but I’m nervous about adopting a dog from a shelter after being kind of scared by those I saw when I went to adopt a cat? I don’t really want a dog at all because I’m just a little nervous of them in general (a moderately bad experience or two and a family member with a toy poodle so mean that it undoubted would have killed someone if it were not a toy poodle, but mostly they’re just pretty big on average and pretty capable of causing grievous harm if they want to) unless it’s a dog I know well who I have never seen or heard of biting or snapping at anyone, but again, partner loves dogs and we can’t have cats together. Do you have any advice on finding the right dog from a shelter?

I think if you're nervous of dogs, maybe don't get a dog untill your comfortable. Can you go to someone's house that have friendly dogs that just like to relax with people around? Can you go to a park that have dogs around to expose yourself to dogs? Do you know of friends that understand dog body language? I'm happy to give you links to YouTube videos that show what dog body language means and maybe ask questions to owners like "what does it mean when your dog does this?" Etc.

The more you learn about dogs and are able to gain knowledge helps you.

Are you able to volunteer at a shelter? Maybe at first just go to kennel fronts and give treats? You'll learn from the staff there some body language etc.

The next step is know what you and your partner want in a dog. Do you want an active dog that likes walks and other activities? Do they need to be dog social? Do they need to like human visitors?

When you're ready to adopt a dog ask questions. My advice is to go to a shelter that is well set up and advises on what training methods they use because honeslty that makes a lot of difference in what kind of dog you'll be getting. Kill shelters are okay. Some dogs are not safe to rehome due to bite risks to people in their own home or community etc. Getting a dog from a shelter that uses positive reinforcement will create a dog that have more chances of becoming optimistic and is happy to learn.

Regarding the advertising of a dog look for something that says "this dog is xyz, and needs ongoing training because it jumps up, or has not learnt about busy environments".

Honeslty getting a shelter dog is hard work, they often have not been exposed to things in the human environment other dogs do when they're from a breeder or raised from a puppy. A dog is hard work in any case but sometimes shelter dogs do need a bit of extra work!

[unchartedcloud]

Let me preface this by saying all my friends are part of the queer community. But lately I’ve been having a hard time talking with my friends about why they need to support more wlw shows, specifically shows that feature lesbians. Anytime I bring up a sapphic show to watch (that isn’t animated) it feels like pulling teeth sometimes getting them to watch it. They’re all “too scary”, “too sad”, “not really my type”, etc. Which is fair. Not every piece of representation is going to be everyone’s cup of tea.

But they flock toward any media with mlm.

And don’t get me wrong. There are some great mlm stories out there right now and they also deserve love. And I’m glad that these stories are being told.

But I think that it’s important to acknowledge that this isn’t just a pattern with straight people. It’s also a pattern in the queer community too. It’s become so ingrained in us to shy away from sapphic stories but we normalize mlm stories because they’re more “wholesome” or they have “better representation”.

(I’m also in no way saying that shows like First Kill or The Wilds didn’t have enough of a fan base. Netflix and Amazon’s flimsy excuses are just that. These shows had a huge dedicated fan base and they deserved better)

I think this is a problem that really needs to be addressed but no one wants to address it. How can we as a queer community support the sapphic community if we don’t acknowledge that we have some societal bias in us too that we need to unlearn.

I’m not even sure what point I’m trying to make except that I’m tired of people telling me “be happy with the animated representation you get” but when I point out stories that portray live people I get a million excuses about why it’s “not good” and “xyz mlm show did this trope better”.

I hope the people in the back are listening to you, anon.

It's another instantiation of social power structures. Society assumes white, cis, abled, (affluent) straight men are the norm; when a story is about them, it's about everyone. The more of those identities you change, the more "niche" the story is perceived to be. Change just one (our protagonist is queer now) and it's just slightly less than mainstream. The audience will shrink a bit, but progressive minded folks will still watch it. Yay! Queer rep! But change more, and that audience shrinks even further. You'll cut out plenty of straight folks by making the protag queer, cis folks by making the protag trans, white folks by making the protag Black or Brown, and on down the line. The further away you get from that perceived norm, the more folks are gonna feel like the story isn't for them. And yes, that's true in the queer community too. Just because we have one marginalized identity doesn't mean we don't have others that are privileged. First Kill had a Black, sapphic teenage girl at center stage - that's 3 degrees of "niche" right there. And that's assuming she's cis, neurotypical, and that there's no ageist bias.

The reality is, folks with marginalized identities have had a lot of practice empathizing with characters who don't look or live like them. With representation being what it was up until now (and even then!), it's often the only choice they have growing up. But folks who don't share those marginalized identities haven't had reason to develop that skill set - if most folks you see on screen or in books look like you, you don't have to work as hard to see yourself in the story. It's not about being a good or bad person or whatever, they just haven't practiced empathizing with characters who aren't like them, and as a result think stories about those characters aren't "for" them. Folks with marginalized identities haven't had that luxury.

Not to mention all the internalized misogyny, racism, etc that breeds implicit bias, in turn convincing us that stories about characters with marginalized identities aren't told as well. (Plus any of the other reasons people give that actually translate into "I'm just not interested in that character's story.)

Tl;dr: I feel your pain, anon. If we really care about representation, those of us with privileged identities need to practice empathizing with characters who are different from us. And the best way to do that is to engage with their stories!!

Also, FUCK Netflix.