#sorry for the vent post

[iliterallydecepticanteven]

Being raised by adults who never apologized for their wrongdoings and always blamed their behavior on extenuating circumstances or someone else or their mental conditions really messed me up huh. Like all I asked was for you to apologize for yelling at me for asking you to hand me something because you thought my tone was wrong. But instead of an apology, I'm the one in the wrong because after all my tone was hostile to you and I need to remember that due to your ADHD you can't control your emotions. Nevermind the fact that I had carefully rehearsed the question in my head over and over again because this is not the first time this has happened. And I'm clearly a manipulative person for crying after being yelled at. Doesn't matter that I was thirteen, after all, I should've known better.

[feartheoldblog]

accidentally ate seafood so my day is ruined but i’m coping by pretending it was from one of those fishing hamlet sharks

[oil-bh]

hey guys chayanne here um i am at that point in life where i dont know if i should be more stressed about potentially having a tumor, learning how to drive, being sleep deprived, or about keepign up with my college classes . lol

[knives-in-the-dishwater]

I am autistic, and I therefore struggle sometimes in social situations.

The other day, I got laughed at for being out of touch when I asked a clarifying question about the intent behind a cultural reference. They didn't laugh at me for being autistic, but they laughed at me for exhibiting autistic behavior (my behavior was incorrectly attributed to another cause).

I don't know how to explain to them why this was kinda ableist. I don't know if I'm up to trying, because that explanation would also be a social situation and I'm now afraid of messing up social situations with them.

I don't like being autistic right now.

[catastrxblues]

“i know i changed overnight so i can’t blame you for fighting. and i’d be losing my mind if you lived in your writing. ‘cause now i’m half of myself here without you. you’re the best in my life and i’ve lost you. and we had no control when it fell through, it was one-sided, hate how i hurt you. If i could, i’d have changed every feeling, reservations were up to the ceiling. guess the space was the thing that i needed, but i miss you. where do we go now?”

hurts SO SO SO much when you relate it to the one close friendship you ruined because you lived too much inside your head and didn’t give them much in return. and even though you’re trying to fix it now, everything’s just not the same anymore and you always feel like there’s some sort passive-aggressiveness and an invisible barrier when you talk that none of you seem to be brave enough (or even want) to cross.

and the worst thing is that you can’t even blame them because it was you who drifted away in the first place, and it was you who acted weird and distant last semester, and it was you who disassociated and disappeared every time you don’t like yourself and what’s inside your head and it was your fucking fault that things are like things.

and you do wish that you could’ve changed the way you acted and the way you felt at the time but at the same time, you’re still doing it, because you still have that flight and escape response to the bad things in your life and you still need too much space even if too much space is driving you mad because that means you only have your changing thoughts as company. and you hate that their masked annoyance and measured distance and avoidance is understandable because you are at the wrong and if you were them, you would feel and do the same too.

[negative-speedforce]

Existential thoughts:

content warning: mass shooting

Today, there was a shooting less than 10 blocks from my workplace. Literally, the shooter was on 23rd, and I work on 14th.

I never had to think about some of the things I had to think about today.

What would happen if some bastard opened fire right as I came around the corner to grab some Rice-A-Roni for a Pickup/Delivery order, and I, or someone I cared about, got shot?

Who would I take a bullet for? Would I take a bullet for Freaking Angelina, who gets on my nerves just as terribly as I get on hers? Would I run, like a coward, or would I try to fight, saving people I care about, and perhaps dying in the process?

If I died a hero, would that maybe make up for the fact that I'm a fucking dyke in the eyes of God and maybe there would be a place for me in heaven, or would I still burn for eternity? Would anyone remember me? Would anyone care?

Who would escape? Certainly not Sherri, in the meat department. She's elderly, and her knees are weak. What about Brittany, in floral? She's exposed, out in the open, and the slowest damn runner you've ever met. Or Kara, in Bakery? She's shut in, with no way of escape if the shooter comes into her department. What about David, at Customer Service? He's even more exposed than Brittany is.

What if someone else took a bullet for me? Would I be able to keep going and move on with my life, or would the image seared into my eyelids of my beloved coworker's blood splattered across the front of the deli case be so strong that I'd make it a week before taking my own life? Would anyone even care enough to step between me and a shooter? Would I let them?

Where could we hide? Certainly not in the Drive Up and Go, it's far too exposed. The floral supply closet? Too small. Only about 10 or so people would fit. The breakroom? Not unless you want to be trampled on the stairs. Who would run, who would hide, and who would fight. I should hope I'd be in the third category.

No one should have to live like this.

[r3d-ca9]

i only have three methods of thinking lately

1. i'm not THAT mentally ill, my life was just kinda hard. i know i grew up poor and undiagnosed autistic and my family gaslit me a lot and hit me and yelled at me and i never really felt safe and i'm always burnt out and i feel numb and i have been very traumatized BUT other people have it worse!!!! i'm FINE, i'm RELATIVELY NORMAL!!!

2. i am so fucked up i don't know how i am still alive how do i keep doing this??? how long do i have left?? i am so tired i am so sick of every single day, i am not a good person, i deserve nothing, i am drowning in my own thoughts, nothing is WORKING

3. man i fuckin love this media lol, i am gonna think of this media and nothing else :)

[sonseulsoleil]

I know that to some extent feeling like everyone hates me and I’m a terrible burden to everyone I care about is a temporary feeling, but god I’ve been feeling it a lot lately

[thecureimcoldopensavdemo]

having a normal time rn 👍

[daisyrandonegf]

i feel like i've always had this idea that if i can pull off the clean girl look flawlessly then it wouldnt matter that my face is ugly because it'd be like oh shes pretty in a different kinda way ! <3 shes pulled together ! so i've used every kind of face scrub and lotion and cleanser etc etc etc u could dream up to make myself look fresh and perfect and porcelain but like being a normal teenager i have acne sometimes and my hair is messy sometimes and on those "unclean" days i literally feel unworthy of laughing or smiling or speaking up or just being a normal functioning person because if i'm not pretty i don't deserve to enjoy things like anyone else...? which doesn't make sense but whatev. and i just think the whole "it girl" "clean girl" "that girl" trend is SUCH a disease because its never accomplishable by any individual's standards. it's all consuming, that need to morph yourself into a tidier trendier & more digestible version of you, and it's something i've been STRIVING for since i was like 15 and i don't know its all just very fucked and i'm tired and i wish i was beautiful. okay post over

[damianfire21]

Small vent post about identity

I wish I could be what I want without my physical appearance or my previous life standing in the way of my idealized identity

I'm afraid that I'll just be called fake if I try to be who I am without physical therapy and treatment and making myself completely different, and I WANT to do all of that, I want to be comfortable and happy in my body, but those resources aren't readily available nor easy to research without money and support, and it leaves me just feeling super depressed and empty ✌️

[horses-5th-edition]

girl likes her coffee

[gvmdisease]

health rant bc now i’m feeling extra icky

my everything hurts so so much it’s bette than it was yesterday but fuck it’s still so bad i can barely raise my arms over my head bc my shoulders hurt so bad and aren’t moving right i got up to see my mom bc she was yelling at me to come see her and my back neck wrists and hips all popped and cracked and i also lost my vision when i stood up too my chest pains haven’t been too bad and neither my disney i mean it’s the normal but the pain in my joints are just not good and i’ve been meant to clean and shower and i’ve barely been able to get out of bed i’ve had like 2 liters of water and have had two meals but doing each of those things drained me so much im really really trying to not let this shit get to me but god it’s so fuckign hard i was told that if i gave all of my new meds and supplements a week i’d feel so much better and it hasn’t helped at all if anything i feel worse they’ve helped me sleep better but even then when i wake up i still feel exhausted and the pain hasn’t stopped it hasn’t gotten better nothings happened my mom told me to wait a week and it would get better my dad and my doctor told me that too and at this point im losing hope that things will get better that i’ll ever start to feel better this is exhausting i hear ppl joke about being disabled and i hear ppl say they wish they could have the things disabled ppl do but this is exhausting mentally and physically physical therapy??? yeah i got six fucking visits and then my insurance stopped covering it bc “i didn’t need it” and how much is it three hundred fucking dollars a visit i was supposed to go two days a week until i was more stable i can’t get a can i csnt get crutches my parents think im being dramatic i can’t miss school snymore and all i want to do now is fucking cry that’s all i do at this point it always makes the pain worse but what am i meant to do im practically a fucking kid who has debilitating pain and it’s so normal his parents don’t even care i missed all of ostara which is a holiday i celebrate a full fucking week and i didn’t get to celebrate at all im so fucking tired of this never ending loop of pain and i try not to talk about it i do bc no one needs to hear it but fuck every fucking second of my life for the past three years has been in pain my first day of school this year was spent trying not to cry bc i forgot to wear my knee braces and had to limp my way around school im overall just fucking done i’ve relapsed i’ve cried i’ve wanted to attempt again over this fucking shit bc nothings helping tylenol and ibuprofen barley even fucking work anymore like what the hell i fucking hate this and i wish i would just fucking stop but it won’t bc most likely this will be my life until i’m dead and haha it’s so fucking funny not being able to hang out with your friends anymore it’s so fucking funny barley being able to reply to texts i’m a fucking kid i don’t fucking need this i’m failing almost everything rn trying to manage my home life my pain and school and it’s obviously not working out fuck if that stupid fucking attempt would have worked i wouldn’t have to be here going through this fucking pain this wouldn’t be my fucking life i hate seeing all of my friends hang out with ppl do things that make them happy i hate seeing my friends able to bind their chest everyday or most days and ik that’s selfish but fuck i lost most of my life to this shit i lost almost everything i was passionate about to this hospitals and doctors are nothing new to me but seeing no one have answers or giving me false answers takes a toll on you after a while

anyway sorry if you read this i’m just feeling icky my pain won’t go down and it’s not a fun time

[objectven]

Crazy that I was born around the time aa released and now I'm the same age as phoenix and edgeworth

I was replaying it with someone new for the first time in a couple of years and seeing the age it hit me I was like 16 when I first played the games and they both seemed so unobtainably old then and now I just am as old as they are and it was just an oh moment for me

[straawberries]

god im so fucking terrified. people are already repulsed by me as an autistic trans woman, whats gonna happen if im homeless on top of that? i feel like theres an unavoidably high chance im going to get murdered or raped or irreperably hurt and theres nothing i can do about it because the world just seems to hate people like me. i wish i xould have just been borj into a family that loved me and helped me transition in an area where the transphobia isnt so bad. i feel so much fucking envy for the people who are like me but.. just got lucky. how many people like me have come before, but were unlucky, and died for it? does the same fate await me? i am tryinf so fucking hard to keep hope for the people who love me but i can only deal with this shit for so long. even if i keep up hope what happens if i fail? hope wont save me from homelessness, from being hurt further, from losing everything that makes me happy. i wish i could just. be one of those people that gets to buy outfits and have disposable income and hundreds of dollars to drop on things that make me happy without feeling guilt and hopelessness at the prospect of just eating 2 meals in a day. i know im a shitty person, i know wishing i had what other people have is a shitty thing to do, i just. hate living like this. but regardless of what happens, i guess i wont be living like this for long.

[itsbebebrainrotting]

Hi just a reminder to the world that if purgatory day 1 (where imo lots of ccs were kinda out of character/did a lot of things on accident) could be lore relevant to Team Bolas, then anything else anyone does that is not really rp or in character can be taken as in character by another player