#sorry this is negative ill post more wins as i get them lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kayliemusing · 4 years

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1. Is there something you have been trying to learn lately? - There’s kind of a few, because I feel like they all tie into one. Self acceptance is a big one, self-discipline, productivity, and trusting in God (which has proven to be the hardest thing. It hurts to trust in something you don’t see the outcome of, but it hurts too much not to trust in God.)

2. If you ever feel like you are different from your extended family, in which ways is this? - My dad/s side of the family is really toxic. There’s a lot of hypocrisy, drama, mental illness, drug addictions, and religiousness on that side (and when I say religious, I mean shame-y religion which I don’t agree with at all.) But my dad was really different from them. He was very kind, open to council, very steady and stable despite coming from such a dysfunctional background, and he loved God so truly that a lot of that pure ‘religion’ that exists within his family was broken off of him, and then I have my mom too, who is very fun, kind, caring, etc, so I grew up around more normalcy than my cousins did. My parents just parented me well and they talked about God to me and my sister a lot in such a good way that I never grew up around pure, shame-y, rule-bound religion which I think is the explanation why I (and my sister) are very different from our extended family. My dad died when I was fifteen so I don’t see that side very often, especially because they’re just entirely chaotic and dysfunctional so when I am around them it’s way more noticeable how different we are. (Sorry for big explanation. I’m in a super reflective mood lol.)

3. When you think about your future career, do you envision yourself becoming the head honcho or CEO? If not, why not? - I’ve always kind of wanted to have this leader-esque feeling to my career, but no, I don’t see myself being a CEO. I really just want to be an author so I guess I would have some level of being a leader to my own business, but not quite on a CEO type level. Right now, I’m trying to focus on fiction but I’m easily overwhelmed by it so I have been considering other mediums of writing. I just don’t know what that is or what fits right.

4. Is there something that you are sort of weird about talking about? Like, a thing that other people find casual, but you feel uncomfortable when the subject comes up? - Sex, is the first thing that comes to mind, but not sex in general. More like the conversations that are too much, you know? Lol. Some people go really into detail or can be graphic about their sex lives and I’m just like, please don’t. I don’t mind generically talking about it, but there’s a line. 5. Can you think of a time when you seriously misjudged a music artist based on their name? - I don’t think so.

6. Do you ever make negative comments about other body types? How does it make you feel when you see or hear negative comments about your body type, or a physical trait that you have (even when it’s not directed at you)? - Sometimes I have the tendency to judge other body types (i.e. I really don’t like the thigh gap look), but it’s never malicious and I’m always trying to be aware that others can’t help what they look like and if they’re happy in their body, that’s what matters. I struggle with disordered eating and kind of sit on that line between having an eating disorder and not having one so I’m very sensitive about my body and its type. I have a chubby tummy and I’m so insecure that it’s not flat that when I hear anyone say anything negative about not having a flat stomach it’ll ruin my day or I’ll just feel really ashamed.

7. If you are in a situation where you feel like you are being attacked or not respected, how easy or difficult is it for you to stay and keep your head rather than leave in a huff? - I’ll usually leave the conversation. Maybe slam a door lol. I’ll usually stand my ground until I finally feel like I’m not heard or no one cares and then I’m out.

9. When you think about how attractive you feel and your favorite features, are you comparing yourself to a societal ideal? - Yes. I happen to be well-acquainted with the comparison game.

10. If you have a favorite song right now: What is it? How did you first hear it? Why do you like it so much? - My favourite song is probably Coney Island by Taylor Swift right now. It’s from Taylor’s new album Evermore, but I have a couple on that album that tie for my favourite song right now (Honorable mentions: Willow, Cowboy Like Me, Tis The Damn Season). I absolutely love how poetic this song is and I think one of my all time favourite lyrics she has ever written is in that song: “If I can’t relate to you anymore then who am I related to?” This song for me just feels like I’m reading a poem and I just sink right into the story she’s telling.

11. Have you ever had someone that has been your friend for a while come to you and tell you they had romantic feelings for you? How did you respond, and did the friendship survive? - I did have a friend of mine tell me they had feelings for me. We had become friends in the eighth grade and then he confessed his feelings for me in the ninth grade, I told him I didn’t feel the same way but we stayed friends and it didn’t ruin anything, and then he confessed again in the eleventh grade and I said no to him again. After that final rejection, we never really made it back to being friends for a few reasons a) We stopped being in the same classes, b) I think he was really hurt and c) his friend (who is most dramatic than a girl by the way, and ironically dating one of my friends at the time) stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and gave his two cents and that was kind of when it fell apart. I didn’t really know his friend so it was weird that he had this narrative of me that he said “was leading X on” when I was just trying to be his friend but it’s whatever now. That was when I was like sixteen lol.

12. Hypothetically speaking, if Hillary Clinton were running for President as a democrat against Chris Christie as a republican in 2016, who do you predict would win the election? - Well, since it’s 2021 now, I would predict that Trump would win and divide America.

13. When you are getting to know someone new online (particularly someone male), how cautious are you of the possibility that they are serial killer/kidnapper? - I honestly never think of this, mostly because we live in such an online world now and I’m an adult. I don’t really know how much of this still happens, but you just don’t hear about it anymore. Not to mention, if it is a male, it’s most likely a pedophile (which is still gross) rather than a killer or kidnapper.

14. If you are talking to someone that you want to get to know, what are your go-to conversation topics? What subject makes you disappointed when another person isn’t interested in or knowledgable about it? - Tbh I feel like I’m really bad at conversations and I don’t know how to lead them because I’m quiet and scared of looking stupid. I know I really like deep conversations more than basic questions. However, it’s very important that I know their opinion on Taylor Swift because if there’s a chance they don’t like Taylor Swift, I already know that the person is probably not worth my time. For real though, if I’m having a conversation with someone, I usually get disappointed if I find out they’re a partier or drink a lot, because I’m really not into any of that stuff so it’s immediately like playing the Sims and having the minus sign appear above my head.

15. Say you have a lot of free time and want to join a club or class. You are browsing postings on local bulletin boards and online. What sort of group would you be interested in joining (e.g., book club, game group, crafts, golf lessons, etc.)? - A romance-only book club, DIY club.

16. Have you ever kissed someone that you didn’t really want to kiss (not assault, just indifference)? Why did you go along with it and how did you feel after? - Nah I’ve never been kissed

17. Have you recently learned anything about your personality? If not, have you ever consciously tried to change your personality? - Sort of recently, it was something I discovered last year which is that I’m a neurotic perfectionist and what I mean by that is I’m a perfectionist in a very self destructive way. I’ve always known I was ‘particular’ or others would say ‘has high-standards/expectations’ but I realized that it’s literally just perfectionism.

18. Are you or any of your friends in a sorority or fraternity? Would you be interested in belonging to one? - No and I don’t really understand what they are or why they’re a thing.

19. Can you recall a recent time that you were surprised, but in a bad way? - Yes. When my job eluded that they thought I was stealing from the registers. This happened around September 2020? Basically they didn’t flat out say that’s what they thought, but they made comments that the tills were either short or over at the ends of the night whenever I would be working and dead ass said “it looks suspicious”. I think it was surprising because I’ve worked there was two years and really felt like they should have known my character. (I literally am afraid of getting in trouble for the smallest things and they seriously thought I was capable of stealing from them lmao)

20. Do you feel uncomfortable when you receive praise for doing certain things? If so, does this make you less likely to do those things? - No totally the opposite. I really struggle with validation and I never feel good enough, which is something I’m working on, but it feels almost like I thrive on praise. Maybe it’s because my love language is words of affirmation?? I just always like/need to know when I’m doing a good job so when I don’t get praise or validation my self esteem plummets.

21. Do you make spontaneous purchases often or rarely? When you are upset does it make you temporarily happier to buy yourself something new? - Spontaneous purchases, often because I have no self control lol, but lately I’ve been working hard to try to save more. And yes when I’m upset, it does make me feel better to buy things.

22. If you have to wake up early for something, what time is just TOO early for you to be there and be presentable and sentient? Have you ever had to be somewhere that early? - 5 am. I think I can manage 6 am, but anything before that is a no from me. I used to work at 5 am when I worked at Chapters, but it was a nice shift because I finished work at 10 am and then went home and napped for two hours and then had literally the entire day.

23. Have the majority of your romantic relationships started with a physical attraction or a deeper connection? - I’ve never had a romantic relationship oops. But at least I read romance novels every day (and I write romance too!) I’ll try to answer this based on what I think would happen. I think it would start as a physical attraction and I think a lot of relationships start that way but they become something when you have a real connection. I think there are relationships that can start the other way though too, but I’d say for me it’ll probably be physical attraction first.

24. Do you ever catch any of those conspiracy shows on Animal Planet, like Bigfoot hunting or proof of Mermaids? Do those shows make your more or less likely to believe in the existence of such creatures? - No, but I DO watch ghost conspiracy theories/”REAL GHOST CAUGHT ON CAMERA” videos on Youtube for fun. But no I don’t believe in any of that stuff.

25. Did you ever write a fan letter to a celebrity? How about submit something to a magazine? - I’ve never technically written a fan letter to a celebrity but I wrote a post on tumblr to Taylor Swift a couple years ago that she’ll never see lol. And I’ve never submitted anything to a magazine, but I’d like to one day.

#survey

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yetanotherreader · 5 years

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Birthday Surprise

Type: One Shot

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Summary: On Dean's birthday, Y/N gives him a surprise which might just be a payback to his New Year surprise to her.

Warning: Nervous Dean. A very nervous Dean.

Fanfic Masterlist

A/N: Hey everyone. So this is my first ever fic so it's short and I have a feeling that it's going to flop so bad, but I'm still posting it coz shameless. I'm really nervous, so I wrote one on nervous Dean lol. So, uh, here goes nothing.

ALSO ONE HELP PLEASE: Sis can't understand how to have that Read More Break using the mobile app. It looks very messy without it. If someone could help, I'd do whatever you say for fifteen minutes.

Gif Credit: Google

"Dean, relax! You're going to choke yourself." You say looking at your boyfriend's pale face while he fixes his tie as tight as he could, looking at his reflection in the Impala's window.

"I'd rather do that to you sweetheart, but right now choking myself sounds better than what you're getting me into." You roll your eyes at his adorable honesty, trying to calm your tickling nerves yourself.

"Overreacting. That's what you're doing."

"Y/N Y/L/N, you, miss, do not tell me that I'm overreacting when I'm literally a few feet away from your parents' house. Which, might I add, was your birthday surprise for me." He squints his eyes at you, pursing his lips as he turns to face you to show how grumpy he is.

"Well, sir, you proposed to me in front of your parents, just 24 days ago. I just met them, and you proposed! What if they hated me?"

"But they didn't. It was my new year's surprise for you! And no one can hate you, obviously I was confident about proposing in front of parents." He says with a smug smile, kissing your temples softly.

"Aw sweet. It's just payback. 'Sides no one can hate you too, Winnie." You say as you look up at him with a smile and gesture him to walk to the two storey house in front.

"Don't you call me that," He visibly cringes at the nickname you gave him in a drunken state, back when you two weren't dating. The memory bringing a small, nostalgic smile on his lips, "and well, you hated me when we first met, Y/L/N."

"That's not what you said last night," You wink at him for his first statement, just to see him blush at the memory, "Win-nie." You aren't the boldest one in the deck, but the rare times you are, it leaves Dean all fumbling and flustered.

"Shut up," He mutters, embarrassed as he tries to get the blush off his freckled cheeks, "Let's go and get this done with."

"Hey, you're talking about my parents here!" You say slapping him on his suit clad shoulder, as you both make your way to the porch.

Dean's sweaty palm reaches your wrist as you are about to knock on the door, as he looks down at you nervously. This is important to you both, to him especially. He knows how much your parents matter to you, how much you love them. Dean knows there were things going on with you and your family. He knows you've suffered a lot, had to grow up too fast because of them—intentionally or unintentionally—and you still have it in you to love them and make them a part of such an important time of your life. Dean loves you with all his heart, yes, but this is that one reason which makes him respect you a lot as a person. Family has always been important to Dean, he knows the value of it like most people don't. He knows mistakes happen, he knows it takes a lot to forgive, and you did exactly that. Without any complain. That's what you do, you just give and give and give without demanding anything in return. And Dean is certain, has always been, that he'll give you all the love you deserve, just like you have made it your life's goal to give your fiance all the happiness he deserves.

Even after your troubled past with your family, you couldn't get yourself to have any ill feelings for them. You know that they were doing what they thought was best for you, even though it certainly did the opposite. You never really opened up to your parents, like a kid should, but you know they see little of it and are guilty for forcing you into things you didn't want to do. You are working on your relationship with them, and it was very important for you to share the most important time of your life with them. Introduce them to the most important part of your existence. Dean. The man who taught you to love yourself, the man who taught you that it's okay to be broken, that you didn't always have to be the strong one. The man who taught you to cry again when you felt pain, which you had forgotten to do for years. The man who made you believe that you weren't a curse. The man you love more than life. Dean, your Dean.

"What now?" You scowl up at him, for breaking the courage you mustered to knock that door.

"What if they hate me? What if I don't even understand that they hate me? What do you think they'll do? How will they behave if they didn't like me? Will they tell you to not marry me? Oh my god, Y/N, what if they tell you to not marry me? What if they get you married to someone else? Look, I'm not taking that, okay? I'm not letting anyone take you away from me. But they're your parents, they're even scarier than you. They'll beat the shit out of me with a vacuum cleaner and—" You look up at your man's lightspeed rambling with an amused expression and shut him up with a chaste kiss on his lips. With your hands on his chest, you can feel his fast heartbeats and boy, is he scared. As you kiss him, and make circular patterns on his chest from under his blazer, he relaxes.

You break the kiss and join your forehead with his to look into his puppy dog eyes that remind you so much of his taller little brother, as you cup his cheeks. "You'll be fine." You say in a whisper.

"Promise?" He looks into your eyes, as he brings his pinky finger up near your face, like a little child asking for reassurance would.

"Deany promise." You entangle your little finger with his as you giggle at his childlike beauty. You peck his lips once again before searching your bag for something.

Dean exhale a heavy breath and is about to knock, when you stop him this time. "No please not now," he whined defeatedly, "I mustered a lot of courage for that Y/N, now you'll have to kiss me again."

You grin as you reapply your lipstick and bring one of your face-wipes to his lips, "You don't want dad to see my lipstick on your lips now, do you? He owns a gun," Dean's eyes widen in horror, as he rotates on his heels so fast, it takes you a moment to realize what he's doing, "No to the power of hell, Winchester. Where do you think you're going?"

"Uh..I...um... forgot my Impala in the shoes," You raise your eyebrow at his piss poor excuse of an excuse, "My shoes in the Impala." He grins at you nervously before looking down at his shoes. "Arghh, come on. Issa gun, Y/N" He groans.

"Don't act like you haven't seen a gun ever before, Dean. You literally sleep with one next to your head."

"Yeah, well, sorry I haven't ever been shot by my girlfriend's father. So yes I'm so getting out of here." He narrows his eyes challengingly down at you, the action you reciprocate. He finally breaks the staring contest realizing you aren't taking any shit from him. He slowly starts walking back to baby, ignoring your glare when the front door opens as he hears a woman's voice happily taking your name. "Oh take me with you, Luci" He mutters under his breath the nickname you gave to his biggest enemy, shutting his eyes tight.

"Who is Lucy?" A masculine voice interrupts his moment of nervousness as his eyes widen in fear at the gun-owner he knows the voice belong to.

"Hello, s-s-sir." He turns back to the man standing on the doorway, "I'm D-Dean. And Luci is, well" He smiles nervously, and looks over at you for some sort of help.

Damn, that was...idk. I hope you found it decent, and well, feedback would be really appreciated—positive or negative (Yeah yo gurl got guts for honesty). I kinda really wanna know how it was. Also if you wanna be tagged in this or any future fics, send me reblog/comment or send me an ask.

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magus-of-the-color-pizza · 5 years

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My New Approach to Discourse

EDIT: I apologize for the long post and the lack of a Read More but APPARENTLY that feature is not available on this mobile app and also I'm having a super hard time trying to copy-paste this into the website version so like... sorry 😅

Hey everybody! I'm just gonna make a post to formulate a couple thoughts I've been brooding. This is in no way a proposal for an offical system of rules for everyone, but I think it's an interesting perspective to consider (of course I'd say that, I came up with it lol).

Those of you who know me well, know that in the past I've alternated from being completely disinterested in Discourse of any kind to engaging in it fiercely at times. And I know many others do that too, and frankly I understand! Sometimes you're just so RIGHT and the other side is just so completely WRONG that you just can't hold back, no?

I think that a lot of topics that have become subject of the infamous Discourse are actually really interesting and complex, like: are authoritarian tyrants all the same (Tarkirian Dragonlords)? Should we judge a person that has been put through severe trauma for centuries and stops at nothing to take revenge on the person that betrayed them the same way we would someone that commits the same acts for different motives (Nahiri)? Should people indoctrinated from youth (or that are still young) that are manipulated into committing terrorist acts be judged the same as a non-brainwashed person (Domri)? This last one was actually the topic of a very interesting lecture/discussion I had a few days ago in one of my university classes, Terrorism and Political Violence.

You see, these are not easy questions to answer, and not only that but we all have different perceptions of the stories and the characters that are being presented to us. Our mind tends to oversimplify, and though we may see a situation as a very clear case of, say, abuse, other people's experiences, information on the subject, and perception of the characters may put them at a completely different starting point, never mind what kinds of conclusions they may draw if they started with the exact same perceptions you did.

It's nowhere near being the sole reason, but the toxicity surrounding various discourse topics, like people calling each other names, invalidating someone's opinion entirely, endlessly restating the same points... yes, this sort of atmosphere did contribute to the fatigue that I experienced and which eventually drove me to take some time off of Tumblr.

Now that I'm back, and I feel re-energized, I do not want to commit the mistakes of the past. I saw a post that's going around as of right now, regarding narrative cliches or tropes in general, due to the story of War of the Spark. It's a post in which people are arguing about the concept of so-called "feel-good" stories, as opposed to "realistic" stories. These may not be the most appropriated term but I think you understand what I mean. What is the value of stories where the cast has to overcome impossible odds, but eventually and consistently it's always the Good Guys who win? On the other hand, what is the value of stories where we place ourselves in a realm of fiction where we dictate the rules, but arbitrarily decide that we cannot escape the grim casualties and losses of reality? These are both really, really good questions! Questions that deserve insightful debate, opinions, ideas, suggestions, the more the merrier! Personally, I think both of these typologies of storylines have value, even though I personally much prefer "feel good" stories, because I get attached to characters I like and I feel Big Sad when they die. But it's just a personal preference, and it's not the only reason one can prefer these stories! There's a lot of discussion to be had on the psychological effects that an author is enacting when they kill characters the audience likes, especially if said audience did not feel like the death was "earned", or timed correctly, or stuff like that.

But anyways, I saw this post, and actually I saw a lot of additions to both sides of the argument that hey, I actually agreed with, or found to be respectful, and well thought out, and worth debating. But I didn't reblog it, and I have no intention to do so. This is because the thread is filled, from start to finish, with negativity, shaming, and de-legitimization of other people's opinions. I'm not mentioning the original poster by name for two reasons: 1) this is not a callout post. I'm not going after them (in fact I follow them and like most of their content) or anyone in that thread. I'm not trying to establish rules here, or police how people interact and 2) this is, after all, tumblr: people have their own blogs, and you're free to post what you want on it (I mean, obviously within reason. If you post untagged porn I will unfollow you, for example), so why shouldn't you? Your opinions are your own, and you shouldn't have to feel like you always have to watch yourself in case someone is gonna come chastise you. I get it. We can be emotional at times, and type out things that can be perceived as aggressive, or mad, whatever. I get it, I do. Besides, the person in question didn't even necessarily want to start a discussion, you never know when someone's just venting.

So, here's my new, personal approach to Discourse: I will gleefully engage with it whenever I see fit, but I will:

1) avoid demeaning, diminishing, invalidating or name-calling others;

2) avoid participating in and/or spreading threads/discussions which I believe will mostly just spread negativity and ill feelings; and

3) will back out of any discussion which I believe is turning or has the potential to turn sour, whether it is due to my own mood and general disposition or someone else's words.

It's only three rules, but I think with these and a tiny bit of mindfulness we can go a long way in making these sorts of conversations and community interactions feel more like a class debate and less like the spanish inquisition.

Thank you for stopping by ^_^

#magic: the gathering #mtg #discourse #Community #war of the spark

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professor-spacecakes · 6 years

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3: Ever had a terrible breakup?

I’ve never been in a proper romantic relationship, so none in that sense. I’ve had a really terrible friend break-up though. It’s a long story, so I’ll put it under Read More.

They’d approached me as a fan of one of my fanfictions and we ended up playing Overwatch together nearly every night. We got to be fast friends, and they even helped me start taking commissions for the first time, since they were an artist themselves.

Things were going okay for a while. They opened up to me and I tried my best to open up to them. They claimed to have a number of mental issues and I tried my best to be as supportive as humanly possible. I changed how I spoke for them, omitted certain words and even entire subjects from my vocabulary. I dropped everything and talked to them whenever they asked me to.

Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to afford me the same consideration. It started to unravel after I started streaming our Overwatch games for a while. We garnered a small following and decided to open up a Discord server for the fans. This friend of mine made it, since I barely knew how to use Discord at the time. After a little while, this friend grew uncomfortable with the discussions on the server and, without warning to anyone, just deleted it one night while I was asleep.

In the morning I found out about it from a post they’d made on tumblr that simply said they wouldn’t be joining in the streams anymore. I messaged them to ask what was wrong, and they said they decided dropping out of the streams was for their mental health and that they nuked the server. I remained calm, said it was okay, and merely stated that I would have liked for them to talk to me about it beforehand. They said “Why? This has nothing to do with you,” and I was just like… It kinda has everything to do with me? It was strange, since they had a habit of practically asking permission to do things when it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Honestly, looking back at it now, them saying that was probably a back-handed jab at me for saying they don’t need to consult with me on every little thing.

Anyway, that discussion sort of devolved into an argument. I said I was a little upset by what they’d done, because they always said I should let them know when they’ve done or said something to upset them, since they’d done that to me countless times. I’d always apologize profusely and promise never to do the thing again. This was the first time I’d gathered the courage to very calmly and politely raise my own concerns. Their response? “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This upset me even more, because it felt like they were putting the blame on me for being upset. I tried to explain this to them, again very calmly and politely, but they just started crying and said they don’t understand. I tried for hours to explain myself, because I was determined to actually stand up for myself for once and not to wimp out and bow my head like usual, but they were incapable of seeing someone else’s perspective on anything.

At this point, I didn’t know what to do. I asked a mutual friend of ours for advice, and they suggested we get into a group call together. It ended up with both of them ganging up on me, because of course I’m the mean one for making the one friend cry, even though they turn on the water works for everything. I mean literally everything. Then they tried to use the excuse that they were saying that to make me angry, thinking that I wouldn’t be sad anymore if I was mad for a second, because that’s apparently how they worked. I explained that’s not at all how I worked, and they were just like “oops lol” and went back to talking like nothing ever happened and never apologizing, despite the fact that I was still upset.

Rather than stream without them, because I knew playing Overwatch without them would upset them despite them being the one that didn’t want to do it anymore, I just quit streaming altogether to devote all of my game time to them.

Things kinda started to unravel after that. I once shared a video of a comedian whom I wasn’t aware they happened to despise, and even though I profusely apologized and promised not to share his videos with them anymore, they continued to hold that up as a counter every time they shared something with me that I didn’t care for, like watching that one video was the equivalent of donating a kidney to me and I owed it to them to watch and discuss stuff I didn’t like.

My depression got super bad in the months that followed, to the point where I could barely muster the energy to think. This friend kept messaging me everyday, and I really tried my best to reply to them as best I could, but all I could manage most of the time were one or two word responses. My brain was mush and I just felt so empty of everything. They kept hassling me to tell them what was wrong, and I did. I told them that I was in a bad spot with my depression and that I felt hollow. They just said they didn’t understand and, after the first thing they tried to do to cheer me up didn’t magically work, they got upset at me. I asked them what they wanted from me, and they said I wasn’t being “cheery” enough about my depression. “Gosh golly, [REDACTED], I’m just so darn depressed! Let’s just keep talking about things we like as though nothing’s wrong!” They literally wanted me to act that way. That’s what they said to me.

After that, I tried to adjust my sleep to stop staying up all night, and because of that I started missing our game sessions for a time. They assumed I was avoiding them. I wasn’t, I was genuinely sleeping. Then, any time I posted about anything in a negative light, they automatically assumed I was vagueing about them. I wasn’t, and despite telling them I wasn’t they started blatantly vagueing about me. I didn’t bother bringing it up. I knew I wouldn’t win that argument, and I didn’t have the energy for it.

Finally, again without any warning, I woke up one day to find that they’d unfriended and blocked me on all platforms, and created a new discord group for our Overwatch crew, only without me there. Despite all they’d done to that point, I wasn’t ready for our friendship to just be over like that. It sent my depression into full on suicidal mode. I made a few vaguely suicidal posts here on tumblr, and thankfully a lot of my followers jumped on that and sent me countless messages of support. They managed to calm me down before I did something stupid. You guys know who you are if you’ve stuck around since then. I legitimately owe you guys my life.

Unfortunately, and I know it was well-meaning, one of my followers that knew I was good friends with this person (but didn’t know they were the cause of me being so upset) contacted them and told them what was going on. So this person called me. On the phone. I’d like to emphasize this, because I don’t give my number to fucking anyone, but they’d pressured it out of me one day.

Anyway, they started off asking if my ringtone (”You Got The Touch” from the 80′s Transformers movie at the time) played when they called. I said it did and they said that made them happy. They then went on to talk about how they got complimented for a tote bag that I had sent them for Christmas, saying they thought that’d make me happy because I got it for them. I’d literally just recovered from a complete mental breakdown barely an hour before, so I was so completely exhausted that I could barely mumble out one-word responses.

So then they launch into this whole story about how they were suicidal before, except they were really gonna do it (implying I was just doing it for attention) but they randomly got a phone call from someone they never talk to that was also suicidal and that made them stop. Then they kinda sat there expecting me to thank them for being that person for me, but they weren’t, and it’s against my personal code of honor to lie to someone, even if it’s paying false compliments.

So then they started yelling at me, saying I was mean and selfish and an asshole and a genuinely bad person, ranting at me without letting me get a word in. Then they yelled at me for not getting angry. Then they they went back to trying to talk to me like nothing happened. I was too drained to say much, but I was still trying to cling to the friendship despite all that had happened, and tried to continue talking to them, afraid they’d never talk to me again if I hung up. Eventually I gave up and we ended the call and I went to bed.

In the morning I was a lot calmer and able to think more clearly. I sent a message to this person (having convinced them to unblock me the night before) and stated that we were clearly just people with personalities that naturally clashed, and that I didn’t expect them to try to be friends anymore. I was much more polite than I should have been.

I seethed internally for more than a year after that, the hate and rage and sadness for this former friend boiling endlessly inside me. There was literally not a day during that year that I didn’t think of them, and it was almost never in a kind way. I still get upset just thinking of them, and things I used to associate with them have sort of become triggers for me. I quit art for a year because they were an artist and I wanted to distance myself from them as much as possible. I avoid Transformers, a fandom I’d gotten them into to the point of them obsessing over it, particularly Rodimus. RoadRat now has an underlying bitterness to it. I flinch whenever I hear or read things they used to say constantly, like “heckin” or “blease” or using question marks in the middle of sentences that aren’t questions, or loud declarations of one’s homosexuality when they see something they like or are attracted to; unfortunate, as these are still quite common in today’s internet slang. I have a paranoid panic attack whenever I see anyone online with the word “Scrub” in their username. I’m automatically wary of anyone who has the same mental illness(es) as them because they always used that as an excuse for everything they did to me. I feel especially guilty about that one, but I can’t help it. They were sex-obsessed, so I’ve become repulsed by anyone talking to me or about me in a sexual manner. I automatically keep fans that approach me and try to become friends with me at arm’s length, because that’s how they came into my life. Because of that, I can count all of the friends I have on just one hand.

So yeah, that’s the story.

#tw suicide #Anonymous

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kaisoounderground · 6 years

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Okay so y’all know that my daughters and I went to Paris to see BTS in concert. I have been meaning to write a post about what a great experience it was but as usual I am lame and late, lol not lol.

So, I am going to write my thoughts now (better late than never?). I did manage to write my impressions of the individual band members within days of the concert though (below). All concert photos, blurry or otherwise, on this post, are courtesy of my daughter.

So here goes:

I was not prepared at all for what a k-pop concert would be like, let alone a BTS concert. I was nervous all day that something would go wrong with our printed out e-tickets but it came to naught and we got in easily.

The first thing we realized when we walked through the doors into the concert hall was that our seats were SO CLOSE (the venue was not that big - not that it was small but it wasn’t huge so every seat seemed close-ish). We just couldn’t believe that we were going to see them so close like that as the tickets were selling out so fast that we took what we could get. The seats were pretty fab!

Next: the atmosphere. It was electric. They were playing non-stop BTS while we waited for the concert to begin and I have not heard anything like it. The singing and the fan-chanting was so LOUD (and rather high-pitched). The crowd was so hyped and you could feel the excitement, like seriously.

Biggest surprise: the audience age. Expectedly the crowd was mostly young-ish females BUT I was so pleasantly surprised at how many older women (woo-hoo! we rock!) were there, like women my age! We all acknowledged each other and screamed our heads off!! There were also quite a lot of guys and older men too. The men were more subdued, lol.

The concert: It was one of the most exciting concerts I have been to in my life. From the minute that BTS hit the stage, it was a non-stop frenzy of singing, chanting, or jumping up and down - and that was just me!

BTS was so good IRL and I was not prepared for how good and polished they were. The dancing was great and their vocals were fabulous! Every one of them was a visual that was hard to take in. Every set that they did was better somehow than the last and the atmosphere by the end was so hyped that I wasn’t sure I would survive (me being older and all, lol).

My thoughts on the individual members:

NAMJOON - Because they started the concert with “Idol” RM was the first up front and on the big screen. My first thought was how handsome he was IRL, I mean seriously flawless. Namjoon kept catching my attention throughout the concert as he’s an ultimate showman and crowd pleaser and he just grabs you - he will not be ignored! He was the epitome of COOL in style and performance. He came across at the most polished of the group in stage management and I enjoyed that aspect of his persona. He comes across very comfortable in his skin. I have never been a fan of his on a personal level, though I have always acknowledged and appreciated his many talents (how can you not?), and while I would say that overall I still have those impressions that keep me from being an all-out Namjoon-ie, I came away just loving him as a performer/singer/songwriter. He was amazing!

HOSEOK - My “ARMY” daughter told me to prepare to be wrecked by Hobi. Alas, I was not and I was kind of disappointed that he didn’t grab my heart but he was great, seriously GREAT, during the whole show and great fun to watch too. He is such a good performer (and his dancing, omg) and plays to the crowd and I noticed that he kept going to places on stage where he could interact with fans that would miss out if he didn’t, which I thought was very intuitive and thoughtful. I will also say this: towards the end of the show when the guys came out in their final outfits (jeans and t-shirts) Hobi was rocking his jeans like none of the other guys. He was up on the big screen in those skinny jeans and OMG.

YOONGI - Yoongi, imho, STOLE THE SHOW, and my heart TBH. He was fantastic! And omg, he is SO HANDSOME IRL and playful and much more of a crowd pleaser than I thought he would be. Any time he was on the big screen, I just was mesmerized by his charisma. His solo was to die for and he has such a nice voice and he is a great dancer too, yes he is. He was much more comfortable on stage than I expected and aggressive in his solo parts, which really surprised me. I had expected him to be shyly performing in the back for some reason. He had real stage presence and played to the camera and was very smiley and cute and I think he may have bias-wrecked me. Rip Jimin, I will always love u tho.

JIMIN - Jimin is a hard one. Jimin is my bias and I had great expectations of dying on the spot everytime Jimin did anything. But it was weird. Every photo I ever see of Jimin, he is so, so soft and cuddly or soft and s*xy but he was much sharper looking IRL. Still super handsome and his singing and, omg, his dancing were superior. I just found it strange that he didn’t appear as squidgy or fluffy as I expected. Instead he had a very commanding presence, which is a good thing just surprising. It may have been that because he is my bias my fluffy expectations were unrealistic and it may not have helped matters that Yoongi stole ALL my feels, and so I couldn’t focus on my own bias. I hear that happens a lot, lol.

TAEHYUNG - In all honesty, Tae’s voice is not my favorite but I do appreciate that his voice is perfect to round out the sound of BTS - his voice is an essential component that makes BTS who they are. They all have that breathy sound that makes them so unique, with his being in the lower register. He is perfect in that respect. Tae is better live than I expected vocally (I don’t know what I did expect tbh). His voice is deep and rich in the live shows, and the echo of the arena made his voice shine. His stage presence was quieter than I expected, which is NOT a negative at all. That may have been because he was quite ill with a cold (the next night he was very energetic).He got very tearful at the end of the concert and I don’t think anyone was immune to it. You could feel his emotion toward the fans. It was very touching. Tae wins BEST HAIR OF THE NIGHT for me. In every shot of him on the big screen, I couldn’t take my eyes off his beautiful hair. Oh and he rocks a beret.

JUNGKOOK - Jungkook was my biggest surprise of the evening. Don’t hate me but I have never been a JK fan. He has always appeared a bit smug to me and I just never liked that. I was not prepared though, that IRL, he is exactly the opposite. He approached the whole show in humility. He sang his heart out and never missed a note. He was injured and had to sit during most of the show BUT I think that gave more opportunity for me to see him in this new light. When it was his turn to sing, the camera just focused on him close-up and you could really see his facial expressions. Everytime he was on the screen, he had a soft appearance and manner, and with his lovely vocals, I came away really liking him a lot. A LOT.

JIN - Jin had the PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT, HANDS DOWN for me. His solo was amazing. I was struck by how far he has come vocally. He was pitch-perfect and strong and forceful (like he knows he can sing now) in his performance. I was kind of sorry that the crowd sang along during the chorus because his voice was so phenomenal during those parts. However, it seemed that the techs anticipated that and the sound of his voice resonated louder than the singing so you could still hear him clearly. His solo was my fav.

Downsides: What? Nothing drastic and nothing to do with BTS at all: I personally found it hard to keep my focus on the stage because of the close-ups on the big screen. I had to keep telling myself to watch the stage and not the screen - to focus on them IRL. We see so many K-Pop videos from concerts that it is just like watching a video that you see on twitter or youtube and I had to really concentrate on watching the whole group performing in front of my eyes and not on the screen. My daughters felt the same way. They kept having to stop watching the screens and turn their focus to the stage.

The only other downside was that even though the seating was so angled that everyone could see while sitting, a few never ever sat down and so the majority of the fans sitting near them had to crane their necks to see. I thought that was just rude. There were times where EVERYONE was standing but for the most part, most sat. The ones who stood didn’t need to as the seating was so steep that you could see (and film) perfectly well. Anyway, it was annoying because it was thoughtless and, me being me, was bugged by it. Again, nothing to do with BTS though.

Downsides forgotten, in conclusion, this was one of the best nights of my life (and I have been on this earth a long time). It is as simple as that. BTS was so amazing and I was not prepared for how great they were nor how K-Pop concerts are different from every other kind.

It will be one of the best memories ever that I shared with my girls. We had so much fun and I am so blessed that they wanted me to share this with them. I cannot tell you the number of times I looked over at them bopping away, huge smiles on their faces, and thought “how lucky am I?”

BEST. NIGHT. EVER.

#bts #jungkook #jimin #yoongi #hoseok #namjoon #jin #taehyung

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thedivinefish · 4 years

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TGIWednesday and being thankful for your blessings

TGIWednesday News

This whole month in honor of Thanksgiving is about being Thankful. We all know that having gratitude can be a great way to shift our state and our perspective ie: from anxiety to calm. So regardless of who wins or loses elections, planetary changes, ascension and yes even a plague... remain thankful and express your gratitude in words and actions. If you’re reading this, you have electricity and internet. Most of us have a roof over our heads, electricity, running water, clothes and food. So you’re actually better off than 51% of the world. When things get rough or hard to navigate, I go humble and thankful and as Great Granny Ruth always said, “Count your blessings!” Here's something to look forward to and count as a blessing... the release THIS MONTH of our newest audio MP3 and PDF called MyBeliefWorks for Experiencing a Bountiful Harvest which appropriately enough reflects thankfulness for what you have, and blasts through whatever is blocking you from making financial gains going forward! This is a very unique audio we are adding to our prosperity collection that you’ll enjoy and that will benefit you financially for years to come. If you've purchased MBW audios in the past, look for the VIP 48-hour pre-sale email in your inbox within the next week or two. Following that, the launch will go live to everyone with our usual, never-to-be-offered again introductory low pricing.

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~ COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS ~ I believe, think, know and feel thankful for all of my blessings. I am ready, willing and able to remain thankful thereby co-creating more reasons to be even more thankful. I know, when, where, how and why from Spirits perspective how to remain humble, gracious and thankful and so it is in all languages and throughout all time lines!

From the Fish Box

Q&A with Jimmy Q) "Hi Jimmy - I'm really sorry to bother you with this but I'm going to ask - do you still do that neat trick of finding things? I can see things have taken off and how busy you are and I don't want to book a session with you if you don't think its appropriate." - A.W. A) "My friend that does what I do always says “I can help you with disease/illness or disorders but don’t ask me to find your car keys LOL" So that’s where I am at right now for sure……….but I know you can body dowse/map out, narrow down locations, rooms/cars etc. I like statements instead of questions……… where are my car keys? Instead make a statement, "My car keys are in the bedroom." and you’ll get a yes or no. When looking for stuff you can figure it out for sure." - Jimmy

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TUESDAY November 10th at 4pm EST **LIVE interview**- Call in with your questions 4:00pmET/1:00pmPT/10pmUK/10pmCEST YOU WEALTH REVOLUTION - Season 20 Host Darius Barazandeh and I will be discussing Creating Mystical, Magical, Money Miracles Using My Liquid Fish and taking callers, join us! FREE TO REGISTER HERE!

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Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack NOVEMBER 4th "Today I will sample life like a buffet. I will take away that which serves me, helps/contributes and enriches my life on my terms. I will separate the wheat from the chaff and the fruit from the tree and I will press on weaving the fabric of my life."

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WATCH IT LIVE TUESDAY'S at 4pm EDT / 1pm PDT Watch and Participate (via Comments) during the Live TV Show streamed on Goldylocks Productions YouTube Channel, Facebook Page and Periscope. NOTE: You will need to log into your YouTube (Google) or Facebook accounts to comment. If you watch the Live show from any other location other than the 3 listed below, your comments will not be seen by the Show Host or Producer. https://www.facebook.com/GoldylocksProductions https://www.pscp.tv/Goldylocks168/follow Or watch all live and replays in the archives here: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Instructions for the VIEWERS: 1. One reading/message per person. The first question posted will be answered, so please think about your question carefully before posting it. 2. If you want a longer and more detailed message, please book an appointment with the Show Host. 3. Spirit does come through and gives messages that can apply to many, not just the person asking the question. 4. It is not required nor should be expected that every question or comment will be addressed by the Show Host. 5. If you have any issues with the show host or show format, please contact the Show Producer... not the Show Host. 6. Contact the Show Producer, Rev. Tiffany White Sage Woman via email: [email protected]

Yesterday's Replay with Special Guest Psychic Joanne Leo Numerology/astrology/angel cards reading from the heart www.psychicjoanneleo.com

November 10th - NO SHOW THIS WEEK

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Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list. Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.

In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf. Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers. *NOTE if the MDP Service was purchased via a special telesummit or radio show offer, prayers will be limited to BUYER ONLY - and will not include family members or pets.

You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day!

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

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For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library.

Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family. BOLO ALERT: Be on the lookout THIS MONTH for the release of our newest audio MP3 and PDF called MyBeliefWorks for Experiencing a Bountiful Harvest which appropriately enough reflects thankfulness for what you have, and blasts through whatever is blocking you from making financial gains going forward! This is a very unique audio we are adding to our prosperity collection that you’ll enjoy and that will benefit you financially for years to come.

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divinefishingtips · 4 years

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TGIWednesday and being thankful for your blessings

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

From the Fish Box

LIVE Appearances - Free Healing

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS FRIDAY DECEMBER 11th from 10-4pm

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show

Yesterday's Replay with Special Guest Psychic Joanne Leo Numerology/astrology/angel cards reading from the heart www.psychicjoanneleo.com

November 10th - NO SHOW THIS WEEK

November 17th - Michael Sue Scott | Cards, and intuitive readings LIVE Visit her Facebook page

November 24th - Rev Debbie | Our resident trans medium communications with your loved ones in spirit. Visit her Facebook page

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library.

TGIFunny

Forward

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Stay connected!

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365dailyaffirmations · 4 years

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TGIWednesday and being thankful for your blessings

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

From the Fish Box

LIVE Appearances - Free Healing

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS FRIDAY DECEMBER 11th from 10-4pm

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show

Yesterday's Replay with Special Guest Psychic Joanne Leo Numerology/astrology/angel cards reading from the heart www.psychicjoanneleo.com

November 10th - NO SHOW THIS WEEK

November 17th - Michael Sue Scott | Cards, and intuitive readings LIVE Visit her Facebook page

November 24th - Rev Debbie | Our resident trans medium communications with your loved ones in spirit. Visit her Facebook page

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library.

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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nicholemarie783 · 6 years

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My Emetophobia Recovery

My response to a question on an emetophobia subreddit when OP asked how we got over our phobia. Sorry about the weird gaps. I tried fixing it but it didn’t work.

With me, I had to start slow with getting over it. I’d read V* related stories on FML (just search the word, and you’ll get results. Some of which are actually kind of funny.) I’d also read blog posts by moms talking about how the whole family got a stomach virus, and how they were able to cope.

After that, it was videos on YouTube involving V*. Started off with the gallon milk challenge, because the people in those videos are usually laughing and having a good time, being stupid with their friends, and also the V* doesn’t look like typical V*, just milk. And you can mute it if necessary.

Then I’d watch videos of expectant mothers with morning sickness, people getting sick because they drank too much, or are hungover, or babies getting sick because there’s usually not much V*, and to be honest, you really feel pretty bad for the baby being sick, more than actual panic of the V* happening. Plus some kids will just sit there with a confused look on their face, like “whut,” and those ones are actually kind of funny. Or if the parent gets unexpectedly V’ed on. You’ll find the parent usually laughs it off. There’s also some emetophobia recovery YouTube playlists too. I haven’t looked at any of them yet, but if you’d like, I could take a glance at them and see if it’s paced decently. Maybe you can watch half of one video a day or every 3 days or so. Pace yourself.

After that, I upped my game to people getting sick from stomach viruses, which is absolutely nerve wracking, but it’s what ya gotta do in order to get over it.

I’d also watch a ton of videos of other people talking about their emetophobia as well.

One thing I had to learn to do as well, was sit with the feeling of being nauseous. Normally, at the first sign of nausea I’d reach for any sort of anti-nausea medication, but my therapist told me not to do that anymore (at least until I get over the phobia.)

Also at parties during high school, kids would drink too much and get sick. One time a kid V’ed on the floor of the hosts guest room, and my first reaction (since people V’ing from drinking too much never bothered me) was to sit him upright so he wouldn’t choke on his own V. I had someone grab a trash can, me and another kid got him cleaned up, and I cleaned up the V in the hosts guest room for 20 bucks. The guy that got sick also bought me lunch later that week as a thank you. Another time, I just rubbed a kids back while he got sick, and just comforted him.

So if you’re ever around someone who’s getting sick from drinking too much, or food poisoning, or something that isn’t catchy, try and force yourself to stay there. Don’t have to dive head first into the situation like I did, but just be present, and don’t run out the door.

Similar to OPs story, getting over my emetophobia also involved boose. I lived in New Orleans for three years, and I worked in nightlife, so I drank A LOT. And along with that came hangovers which involve V*, or from just flat out drinking too much. Most nights when I’d get home, I’d just make myself sick to get the alcohol off of my tummy before bed. I found that while I was still drunk, it wasn’t that hard to make myself sick. Sober, the next day on the other hand, it was extremely scary, I cried many times, and had to call friends to pep talk me through it.

Also, avoid sugary drinks, guys. That, and dark alcohols make hangovers so much worse. Also the “beer before liquor, never sicker, blah, blah, blah,” and “you should never mix your alcohols,” myths are false. It doesn’t matter WHAT you drink, it matters how MUCH. Keep alcohol proofs in mind as well. There will be a difference in your hangover if you drink one ounce of 80 proof dark rum vs 151 proof Bacardi 151. (I swear to god, that shit shouldn’t even exist, but oh lord how I miss it now that it’s been discontinued.) But dark liquors do have these things called “congeners,” which have been proven to make hangovers worse. Sources: Google, my non stop party life in NOLA for three years, and former bartender.

Also similar to OPs story, earlier this year a friend of mine and myself got wasted together at his house and I suggested we make ourselves get sick before bed. He knows about my phobia, and understood why I wanted to be in the bathroom with him during, and he was chill with it. He went first and I rested my head on his back. When it came time for me, I was super nervous, so he started making me laugh by giving the toilet a Russian, (excuse me, *Latvian) accent, and making it call me a gypsy and that I had to appease it with my V*. He was making me laugh too much every time I went to shove my fingers down my throat, so I just said, “screw it,” and we went to bed. Moral of the story here is tell your friends about your phobia, or if you feel nauseous. Let them know. They WILL be understanding, and WILL try to help you get over it any way they can.

Part of my emetophobia was that I always expected SUPER negative reactions from people if they knew I wasn’t feeling well. Turns out they are either are indifferent to it, or caring, and want to help out. Ive had 0 friends run for the door when I told them I didn’t feel well.

Since there’s really no way to avoid V’ing or nausea altogether, for the rest of your life, and it’s just a normal, (if uncomfortable and nerve racking for emets,) part of life, we have to learn how to deal with it when it happens, instead of letting ourselves be overcome with fear. And trust me, IT GETS EASIER.

Years ago I was totally repulsed by the idea of being pregnant because of morning sickness/sick kids. Now I feel like I could have one (even without the emetophobia, kids still aren’t my favorite.) Granted, if I could I’d totally not work during my pregnancy if I had morning sickness, but there’s medication out there to help, employers most likely will understand, and worse comes to worse I’ll just V* in a public bathroom.

Kind of off topic, but a funny story involving kids and V* is when my niece and nephew came to stay with us for the summer. My niece has acid reflux issues, and she ate too much one night, and starting getting sick in her sleep. I panicked, ran and grabbed the pink V* bucket hospitals give you, and ran to get mine, and her mom (my sister). Then I slept in my moms room that night because at the time I was sleeping on the couch in the same room where it happened. I was 23 at the time lol. Another good point to bring up is that anxiety translates to kids too. My nephew was still up when all this was going on, and my panic worried him, so he started panicking too, and slept in my moms room as well. He was 12 lol. Every since then, I’ve been extremely mindful about how my phobia may run off on the little ones. If it comes to feeling nauseous or anything, I’ll let my niece and nephew know (they already know about my phobia), and tell them not to worry or panic, and that it’s just me who is this terrified of V*. They always want to help when I feel gross, so I just tell them to either help calm me down by coloring or watching a movie (if the nausea is mild) or I’ll ask that they leave me alone entirely so they don’t see how bad I freak out about it.

I’m not entirely over mine yet, but I’m much better than what I was growing up. I can eat red foods now (didn’t eat anything red for a year after my incident happened), expired foods now (but not like a month expired), eat out at restaurants, drink excessively (granted, I shouldn’t, but meh), be around people who are V’ing, eat at places that I’ve gotten sick from prior, manage to still go out and function even if I do feel sick, get sick in public bathrooms, fly, ride rollercoasters, help out sick kids (sort of as long as it isn’t a Sb), I’m at a healthy weight instead of borderline anorexic like I was in middle school, etc. I get to live my life now that I’ve (for the most part) gotten over this fear.

Now I just deal with anxiety about getting sick like IN IN public, like not making it to a trash can or bathroom. I keep reminding myself the chances of this happening are slim to none, and hasn’t happened to me or really anyone I know since elementary school, but STILL. Even if it does happen, I try to remind myself that people will understand. Be grossed out and want to avoid you sure, but they won’t exile you because of it, and won’t even think about it the next day. Another worry is getting sick in someone’s car while they’re driving. Once again the chances of this are slim to none and has never happened before to me, or any adult I know, but still. I carry plastic bags in my purse just in case. Goes back to what OP said about control. This is also why whenever I do V*, I use my toothbrush or fingers to start it. Helps out a ton with the anxiety because I’m not sitting there waiting and crying in fear for it to happen

Try not to ask so much for reassurance that you WON’T get sick, but for reassurance that it’s OKAY to get sick. Now I’m totally still working on this, but it is a big one. Find pride in doing things your emetophobia never allowed you to do before. I saw some ladies here the other day ecstatic that they got sick, or took their kids out in public. The reassurance that we won’t get sick will only fuel the fire that is this phobia. Don’t let it win. You will not heal if you continuously let it win. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. No having proud moments over how long it’s been since you V*ed or anything like that

We should be celebrating the minor wins like you were able to actually get sick, you took your kid to a children’s museum for the first time, you ate a food that made you ill years ago, heck, even playing into the thought that maybe you should just get sick is a win in my book.

And since I just wrote a damn novel, here’s the TL;DR.

How I got over emetophobia (for the most part):

Exposure, exposure, exposure.

1) Read stories involving V* to start off with. Look at stock photos of “people getting sick.” (They never actually show any V*). Transition to sounds of people V’ing on YouTube. Advance to videos of people V’ing on YouTube, and people sharing their emet stories.

2) Sit with the nausea. Don’t reach for the meds instantaneously. Just breathe, and sit with the nausea for maybe 15 minutes before taking something for it.

3) Don’t run away from situations where people may V*, unless it’s from a virus or unknown source. IE not a hangover or food poisoning. Not saying put yourself on those situations, but also don’t run from them when they arise.

4) Try to start making yourself V* when you’re drunk. Once again, don’t intentionally get drunk for this purpose, but the alcohol will help calm your anxiety about it, and you’ll find it’s much easier.

5) (This is really just a good drinking tip) don’t do sugary drinks or dark liquors. They’ll make you feel horrible the next day. And it’s not about WHAT you drink or the combination, but about how MUCH you drink.

6) Tell friends about your phobia, when you feel sick, and if you’ve V’ed recently. They won’t react negatively, and they will more often than not support you in your times of need, and praise you for your success.

7) V’ing is a normal part of life, and we’ve gotta get used to regardless of how much we fear it. And it gets easier the father into your recovery you get.

8) I kind of want a kid eventually. Someone slap me to get me to start thinking straight again.

9) Kids pick up on your anxieties, so lead by example, but also don’t be too tight lipped about it. This goes back to #6.

10) Try not to avoid the V* and D* words, or any that refer to V’ing. I go back and forth depending on how OP writes it, because I understand it can be triggering, but we still have to expose ourselves to it in order to get over it.

11) I’m not fully over my fear of it yet, but I’m doing MUCH better than before and really loving life now that I’ve (for the most part) gotten over it.

12) The chances of our fears coming true (ie getting sick in public, or in a car) are usually going to be pretty slim. Even if it does happen, it’s not the end of the world (so cliché, and I’m sorry) and people will understand, and not exile you from society.

13) Get therapy or medication if the anxiety and panic are too much to handle and REALLY interfering with your life. Try not to rely on the meds entirely though, and still work on getting your fear in check. Meds should really only be used as a crutch while you’re learning to walk again.

14) It takes time to get over this, or any phobia for that matter, so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight. Just keep a positive attitude and remind yourself you’re taking baby steps in the right direction.

15) Change your way of thinking. Instead of asking for reassurance that XYZ won’t make you ill, think in the terms of “well if it does make me sick, I’ll be just fine. I know I’m really nervous about it, so I’m going to ask my friends or support groups to remind me that it’s okay to get sick.”

16) Sorry my TL;DR is another damned novel. I just really wanted to share what I’ve done to get over this with you guys. Having this phobia sucks ass, and I’m SO glad I’m getting over it. And sorry for any grammatical/spelling mistakes. I’ve been working on this thing for an hour, and my food is getting cold, so screw proof reading.

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gem-marie-blog1 · 8 years

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So What Now?

One of the most difficult challenges to our current situation is finding some sort of balance between work, family and illness. For me it has been very difficult to focus on my career in the way I once did. I used to be over the moon about real estate. As a matter of fact when I first got into the business we discovered right away that I have a natural talent and ability for this particular career. It was as if I had found my calling. I was even the number 3 agent in all of the Remax Mountain States division prior to our move to Utah. That was a pretty big deal considering the size of some of the markets I was competing with. I am a great Realtor. Factor in chronic illness, however, and things begin to take on a different light. Attitudes shift, confidence is lost and perspective begins to change. Everything in life is overshadowed by pain and fatigue to the point that it is difficult to feel overly excited or motivated toward anything. Add in brain fog and I am a recipe for unemployment. How do I not only beat Lyme disease, but effectively get myself back to real life? I NEED to be a real estate agent. I actually loved it before I got sick. Like seriously, it was all I ever talked about. I am sure I drove people nuts. I need to get that fire back! I do not have the luxury of being a stay at home mommy blogger. LOL! Somehow I have to wrap my head back around doing the hard and not as fun part of the job which is to cold call and build new clientele. Anyone who is in any type of direct sales should be able to relate to this. It is the least glamorous or enjoyable part of my profession. But it is a necessary evil. Not an easy one to undertake when you feel like absolute garbage every single day. The challenging part is that it is a numbers game. One must get rejected many many times prior to ever hearing anyone say yes. It does not matter how good your pitch nor how competent a sales person you are, everyone gets more no's than yes'. It is simply the nature of the beast. Well, when you are in constant, excruciating, pain it is difficult to add one more negative thing on top. It is nearly unbearable to repeatedly speak to people who aren't necessarily the most excited to hear from you (that may be putting it mildly) over and over again, when you already, literally feel as if you may be dying. If your mindset is not strong, the repeated rejection can break you. This consistent pain has seriously affected my mindset. Seriously. It is just not within my capacity right now to add insult to injury. So, what is the solution? This is what I am trying to figure out. Do I start looking at a career change? This blog is certainly not going to pay the bills. So, now what? There has to be a way to get me back to where I was. But how? Brent and I had a very candid conversation yesterday about the many facets of the challenges we are currently facing. He has the weight of the word on his shoulders right now as he is the only one prospecting for new business and is doing other work on the side to supplement our income until I can get myself straightened out. It is an unfair burden that has been placed upon him. Unfortunately, I am just too sick and too beat up emotionally to be my best self. My sales person persona is not a hat I am able to wear presently. It takes a certain type of mustard that Lyme disease is currently robbing me of. This makes the future feel extremely uncertain and very scary. I am faced with the reality that if I cannot turn this around and soon, my family will suffer the consequences. It will completely change our entire way of life. I do not want that for them. It is bad enough that they have to deal with a sick mother who cannot do all of the fun stuff with them anymore. I cannot allow them to lose the opportunity to attend their awesome school or have to move, or really to lose anything else at all. It is not fair. They did not ask to have a sick mother. I have got to get myself well and back to work. NOW! I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just turn it around and be well and able to think clearly and able to go make cold calls for 3 hours a day and able to go give my best sales pitch and make things happen like I used to. I wanna be able to hustle again! Lyme has stolen my joy and my thunder. I don't really get excited about anything anymore. I am just existing. Just trying to maintain. Just trying not to crack up day to day. Pain makes you crazy. It's making me question everything. How much longer can I do this? What should I do about it? Will tomorrow be better/worse? Will my children resent me? Am I still competent to do my job? Will my marriage survive this trial? Will they find a cure in my lifetime? How can I make some money soon? Can I cure myself? Should I have said that? What if I did this? Is it time for antibiotics? Should I be on pain killers? What about addiction? What if this never goes away? How much more pain can I stand? What if I get worse? Could I get worse? How much worse could this even get? Who is reading this rambling blog of mine? Questions, questions, questions.... I truly wish that I could quell this constant bombardment of thought. Of course, my little example above merely scratches the surface. I will not share some of the deeper and darker thoughts that are a part of that never ending reel. It plays constantly on a loop. It is maddening. It must stop. I am still striving to do the healthy things everyday that I can do to heal and get back to a somewhat normal existence. But, when you have to take a hot bath at 10:00am because you cannot bear the pain of simply being upright, it does not inspire much hope. I am scared. What if none of what I am doing is going to change things. What if this is just my life now? Man, that is bleak. I am so sorry that this ended up being such a negative post, friends. I really try hard to spin some positivity into this whole mess as much as I possibly can. Somedays are just harder than others. Sometimes reality slaps you way too hard in the face and you have no choice but to just be honest about the fact that everything is not comping up roses. That's ok. I know we will figure this out. I just know it. I just don't exactly know how yet. Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks again for reading. Hopefully my next post will be a little brighter. Now... I am off to juice and take a detox bath and start moving onto doing some good things for myself today. I may be feeling a little beat down at the moment. But... I WILL NOT GIVE UP!! I WILL WIN!!

#Support #Positive #Overcome #Mindset #Lyme Warrior #Lyme Disease #Lyme #Learn #Juicing #Juice #Health #Healing #Exercise #Challenges

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