#sorry. this is what happens when i have gut's theme on loop for too long

[waywardsalt]

sometimes you make aus just to see how far you can push your favorite fictional little guy within the bounds of their canon characterization before they’re straight up an entirely different character

[a-cai-jpg]

this is a very stilted post.

I have a collection of songs that make me cry.

I'm not in the habit of playing them very often. I don't even save them in my YouTube favorites, or my wormhole of a Spotify account. I kind of leave it up to fate for the familiar melody and lyrics to find me again, and on days where I feel especially brave, I'll queue it up on a drive. But only on a drive.

I watched a variety show about songwriters a few months back, and one of my favorite contestants said something along the lines of, "I think everyone has a theme that they just can't touch."

Sometimes, it's because the pain is still too raw. Sometimes, it's because we're too fearful to truly reckon with the sorrow, unwilling to drink it in, let it roll around in our mouths as the bitter flavor penetrates our tongue, and feel it burn on the way down.

I don't listen to the songs often because I'm afraid I'll become desensitized, that the most humane and most compassionate part of me will become numb.

But also because I'm not in the business of seeking out pain.

I used to be obsessed with tragedy, chasing it with a sort of masochistic relish because I thought you could never be as human as you were when you cried. It's kind of like why people really like those sad, touching Thai commercials that make you bawl your eyes out without fail every time.

But as I grew older, I realized there really is something that I can't touch. Sometimes, I tongue the edges of it, prodding with caution, but only on very, very rare occasions do I peel away the protective layer. There are some things I can't watch, can't listen to too closely, or else I'll feel myself unravel around the edges.

And not gonna lie, but now is not a time I'm willing to tug at the ends of the thread. So instead, I'll let a past me do that.

When I was a sophomore in university, I submitted a monologue for the annual Asian cultural show. It was submitted anonymously, because at the time, it wasn't something I was ready to talk about.

(it still isn't, but i have gotten more practice talking about it in the years that have elapsed.)

See, what had happened was, I was watching Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo (disappointment of my life, sorry the Chinese version is better even though the Korean cast is bEaUtIfUl), and suddenly, I had a mini-panic attack about death.

It was the dumbest thing. I was watching Park Soondeok try to woo Wang Eun, and the silly girl--bless her heart--hunted a whole bear to express her love for him. I remember the scene had startled me, because she popped on screen with a bear skin covering her body. And I was like, "Uh that's like, a lot of bad karma right."

And I don't really know how karma works, but I suddenly remembered something that my grandmother had said a long time ago. She said that she was a sinner, because she's "killed" so much for our family.

In Chinese, the words she used were 杀生, which literally means "kill life" but generally, animal life.

She said it because she is the main chef of our family. Whenever she visited China, our family would go through a bit of crisis because that meant either my grandfather cooked or my mom's boyfriend cooked.

Once, my grandfather served me Palmier cookies and the same fried rice we'd eaten for a week for dinner. Often, my mom's boyfriend chopped up carrots and celery to dip with ranch for dinner.

It was great.

(no, but our family barely functioned when my grandmother was gone. those six months would be us sitting silently around the dinner table, daring each other to be the first to try a dish.)

Weirdly, that little thing she said stuck with me. And in that moment, sophomore year of college, sitting in my top bunk watching Scarlet Heart Ryeo, I panicked.

I can't really dissect why I panicked. But the result was this ridiculous plan that I had to stop eating meat for the rest of my life to collect all the good karma for my grandmother.

(yeah, so that didn't last because I literally got sausages that weekend cus hello, continental breakfast.)

It wasn't that I never thought about death or my family members dying before then. In the second grade, I read a story about the friendship between a squirrel and a leaf, and cried and cried and cried when the story ended and the leaf died, not because the leaf died but because the leaf promised to be reborn, and would be reborn at the turn of the year, but humans wouldn't be.

But for some reason, all of the separate moments of panic and fear dispersed over a decade culminated in that moment, as I watched Soodeok pull the bearskin off of her head, and I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe.

So I wrote a monologue. The original draft was very, very long and very, very detailed, and I probably went through half a box of tissues writing it. I eventually cut it down and didn't save the first copy because I never wanted to read it again.

The theme of the monologue comes up every time I talk about my Chinese American identity. It comes up in personal statements, in creative narratives, in discussion groups, and in the Facebook likes I dish out whenever I see a relevant Subtle Asian Traits post. It's the sense of biculturalism and the accompanying endeavor to somehow reconcile my reality with that of my immigrant parents and grandparents. It's the weary acceptance that ultimately, there may be no reconciliation, and all that's left is regret.

Whenever someone asks me what my favorite food is, I would say spring onion noodles. But this is the funny part--I will never order them in a restaurant. Some time in middle school, I went on a family trip with my extended relatives in China. Every time we stopped to eat, my aunt would order me a bowl of spring onion noodles because she knew I loved it so much, and every time, I would make a face and say, "Grandma does it better."

See, I don't know if she actually does. I just knew I liked hers more.

After my grandmother returned to China, I started making spring onion noodles myself, because it tasted more like home even if I never got it right.

I also really like dumplings. My grandma makes the best dumplings, but I'm afraid to ask her to make them, because the last time I did, they were too salty. Now, I'm afraid to ask her to make spring onion noodles too, because maybe my memories tasted better than the real thing.

But the real, real reason I'm scared is that I'm scared she's getting old. I'm scared her tastebuds are not the same as they were when she lived in Monterey Park, cooking in our second floor kitchen.

In my senior year of college, I called my grandmother for the first time on my own. The moment I heard her voice, staticky over the long distance call, I started crying, and it was stupid because I had to pretend I wasn't crying and I was trying to talk normally and it was awful because it was the kind where your voice came in hiccupy stutters, and she definitely knew I was crying because she kept asking, "Why did you call? What's wrong?" while acting casual, for my sake.

When I was in the eighth grade, I was walking a friend's German Shepherd that ended up dragging me across the pavement in the park. It's a story I tell a lot, because it is truly hilarious in hindsight, but the ending goes like this:

I go home crying, because my glasses broke and I have cuts on the back of my left hand and down my face. I take a bath, something I grew out of doing years ago, and my grandmother doesn't reprimand me. She sits next to me and speaks in that vaguely disapproving voice of her, the tone of so many old Asian ladies, and tells me that life is hard and you will meet people that you don't get along with, but you just have to suck it up. And I start crying harder, because she cared.

That day, she also followed me from the front door of our house to my mom's master bathroom, asking, "What's wrong?"

We talk a lot about the Chinese zodiac in our household, more when my grandmother and grandfather still lived with us, but my aunt brought it up a few days ago. In the Chinese zodiac, the ox and the sheep are foils to each other--me and my grandmother. When I was little, I would say, "Ugh, this is why we fight so often." A few days ago, my mom said, "That's why you and grandma never got along," and I stayed silent.

I sometimes tell people that my grandmother is more like my mother figure, and my mom is more like an older sister. And my mom hates it. But, it's because everything that others associate with an Asian mom, I associate with my grandmother. All the memes about immigrant mother bringing their children peeled and cut fruit are about my grandmother, fending off my complaints about having to eat apples every single day, and stubbornly bringing me sliced apples and pears. All the stories about immigrant parents expressing their love through the words "Come eat. Food is ready," is my grandmother who singlehandedly kept her family together through sheer will and a kitchen stove.

Sometimes, when I'm brave enough to talk to people about how I feel about her, I would say that I would gladly give her half of the rest of my life, just so we can leave together. I'm scared her life would be less than perfect, and I wish I made money earlier so I can take her to Cambridge and Rome, but I'm also scared that I'm selfish and weak and unable to give her what she really wants.

Anyways.

Four tissues later, here's the monologue:

I am obsessed with time.

I am obsessed with time, but I hate the way the second hand moves relentlessly in an endless loop on the face of an old clock. I am obsessed with time, but I hate the way the mention of it tightens my throat, squeezing until the pressure travels to my heart and lungs, and finally settling somewhere deep in my gut.

I was told that time is linear. The Second Law of Thermodynamics. Chaos and disorder grow infinitely—there is no going back.

When I was little and time was but a tiny grain of sand in a large, foreboding hourglass, I believed in guardian angels. They were the ones who caught me tumbling from a swing, having flown too high on my too weak wings. They were the ones who waited outside the gates of my elementary school—a familiar face of comfort floating amidst a crowd of foreign visages. They were the ones who promised me plates and plates of hand-wrapped dumplings, and most importantly, they were the only ones who could cook spring onion noodles with a sunny side up egg the way I liked it, and no restaurant could ever hope to get the taste just the same.

But also, when I was little, I believed that guardian angels existed outside of time. They were immortal, they gave me life. But as the number of years they conferred to me increased, they seemed to become more and more human.

Sometimes, I’d blink, and for a terrifying moment, I’d catch glimpse of an elderly couple, backs hunched and hair splattered with grey, standing in my kitchen.

This is me, a girl obsessed with time. I had the liberty of being born and raised in the United States. My Chinese immigrant parents labored long days at work, and my grandparents were given the roles as my primary caretakers.

My grandfather was the quiet one, a retired electrical engineer who made it his mission to somehow teach me to love mathematics. My grandmother was the loud one, previously a librarian—the irony, I know—who never went to college but could calculate prices of groceries faster than I could pull out a calculator. I grew up dancing around their peculiar dynamic, seesawing back and forth between going ant-watching with my grandfather as I recited the Chinese timestables and trying to finish too many platters of food my grandmother piled in front of me as she told me stories of life back in China—in the good old days.

Growing up in California, it was inevitable that I saw the United States as home to both me and my family. It was where I had spent nearly two decades of my life—and where my mother, grandmother, and grandfather had spent nearly two decades of their lives.

And yet, two decades was not nearly enough time. Space could not be reconciled, and time was rendered obsolete.

Home, for them, was not our little town in the suburbs of LA. When my father passed away, my mother said, “We don’t have enough money to bring him home.” She’d said it carelessly in front of me, perhaps thinking 6-year-old me wouldn’t notice, let alone understand. But 6-year-old me did. Home, I realized, for them wasn’t home for me.

The thought was terrifying. I realized that there will come a time, when I’d return home, and it wouldn’t be the same place my mother, my grandmother, and my grandfather returned to.

I began to play with the idea of condensing time and space. How great it would be, if home was simultaneously California and China. Time differences, traveling time, the Pacific Ocean would be utterly abolished, and our hearts would return home together.

But time flew by and the pile of sand grains at the bottom of the hourglass grew without my noticing. I hadn’t yet the chance to tell my grandparents about my meditation on time and space, and suddenly, my grandfather decided to return home. Time had seemed to warp, fastforwarding the years I’d taken for granted, and now refusing to slow down.

Here’s the thing—I do not wish to be selfish. I want my family to be happy—to return home—but I am terrified that my own fragile notion of home will shatter in return.

Because the reality is, home isn’t physical space. Home is, in all truthfulness, time. Time I’d spent with my family, and the years I have left to spend with them.

I’d let time slip through my fingers as I tried to come up with this theory of “home.” I’d tried to condense “home” into a condominium, apartment D, a large peach tree shading the backyard. Yet now, the tree has been cut down, and my mother speaks of moving to a city forty minutes away. What then, I ask myself, is home?

Home is the promises I’d made to my grandparents—promises I’m no longer sure I can keep because I cannot cover large enough distances with so little time. Home is the way I could never tell them “I love you,” and the regret that builds in my heart as I realize that home is a ticking time bomb that threatens to throw the world into chaos. Entropy increases. Things fall apart.

In a little bit, home will be too many miles away, too many hours away, for me to return to. Home will be in a foreign city surrounded by a peculiar amalgamation of unfamiliar modernity and history she’d lived through. Home will be on the opposite shore of an ocean I cannot swim across, with no one to cook spring onion noodles for.

I am a girl obsessed with time. I’d been blessed with a lot of time, and yet, I’d tossed it all out of the window of my second story bedroom. I am a girl obsessed with time, and I’d trade in my soul for it to reverse, so I can make home a little more concrete, a little more happy, a little more lasting. I am a girl obsessed with time, and when I wake up 2:30 in the morning, I think I can see the sands rushing down the chute of the hourglass, and the sight of it tears me apart.

I am a girl obsessed with time, and I would like to apologize to my beloved mother, grandmother, and grandfather for taking so much of it for granted. If I had another run at these eighteen years, I only hope to reach this conclusion sooner and fulfill my promises.

Dear grandma and grandpa,

I am a girl obsessed with time. Every day, I pray to God to give you a little more. How had the time flown by so quickly? Was yesterday not the day you brought me on the airplane for the first time? I can still taste the juice of the grapes a stranger had given us—snacks for the little girl—in the back of my tongue. Yet now I’m no longer the toddler you held in your arms. Grandma and grandpa, time is rushing by on a train I cannot seem to catch. Will you forgive me for reaching our home a little too late?

Love.

(i included my favorite part in a creative narrative project i did for a class in college. if you want to hear it in my voice: here.) (pls don’t click for the sake of my voice bc i sound like a literal duck. click for my grandparents wandering around hangzhou.) (also, if it is different its cus i tried to fit it in somehow with a longer poem i was writing.) (i don’t like poems.)

The reason I wrote this isn't that I wanted to pick at a scab. I heard a song recently, from the same songwriter variety show, that I had blindsided a few months back. I heard it at around 1 am in the morning, and I cried.

Here is the collection of songs:

橘子 by 邓见超

考试考得好不好啊？ how did you do on your test? 有没有拿到大红花 did you get the big red flower? 老师夸我是个乖仔啊 my teacher said i was a good kid 奶奶自己保重圣体吧 grandma, take care of yourself 长大了 出息了 要晓得回家 when you grow older and do big things, remember to come home 别忘了这里的青山和路弯 don't forget the green mountains and windy roads here 记得要带一瓶辣椒在身上 remember to bring with you a bottle of peppers 还时常跟妈妈报平安 and often let your mom know you're doing fine ... 房子旁两棵树都被砍掉了 the two trees by our house have been cut off 墙上还贴着小时候的奖状 my childhood awards are still plastered on the walls 一个字一个字 好像昨天啊 each word, each word, like it was just yesterday 宝贝儿子啊 吃饭了 son, it's time for dinner 再不回家妈妈要教训你了 if you don't come home now, mom's going to be mad 这个淘气的孩子跑去那里玩了 this mischievous kid, where did he go? 找他都找不到人了 i'm looking for him, but i can't find him.

一荤一素 by 毛不易

一张小方桌 有一荤一素 a small, square table with one vegetable and one meat 一个身影从容地忙忙碌碌 a figure good-naturedly bustling about 一双手让这时光有了温度 a pair of hands allowed this time some warmth 太年轻的人 他总是不满足 the one who is too young, he's not satisfied 固执地不愿停下 远行的脚步 stubbornly unwillingly to stop the footsteps traveling far away 望着高高的天走了长长的路 looking at the far, far sky; walking a long, long road 忘了回头看 她有没有哭 he forgot to turn around to see if she's crying 月儿明 风儿轻 >the moon is clear, the wind is light 可是你在敲打我的窗棂 is it you, knocking on my window? 听到这儿你就别担心 now that you've listened till here, please don't worry 其实我过的还可以 actually, i'm doing okay ... 你又可曾来过我的梦里 have you been to my dreams lately? 一定是你来时太小心 you must've been too careful when you came 知道我睡得轻 knowing that i sleep lightly 一定是你来时太小心 you must've been too careful when you came 怕我再想起你 afraid i'll miss you

父亲 by 筷子兄弟

时光时光慢些吧不要再让你变老了 time, time, please slow down. don't let you grow any older 我愿用我一切换你岁月长留<<br>i'm willing to trade everything i have for more years and months for you ... 微不足道的关心收下吧 please accept my inadequate care for you 谢谢你做的一切双手撑起我们的家 thank you for holding up our family with your hands 总是竭尽所有把最好的给我 always doing everything to give me the best ... 我是你的骄傲吗还在为我而担心吗 am i your pride? do you still worry for me? 你牵挂的孩子啊长大啦 the child you think of has grown up now.

时间都去哪了 by 王铮亮 (this is a cover)

时间都去哪儿了 where has all the time gone? 还没好好感受年轻就老了 haven't even truly experienced youth, and i'm already old 生儿养女 一辈子 took care of children my entire lfe 满脑子都是孩子哭了笑了 all i can hear is the cries and laughter of children 时间都去哪儿了 where has all the time gone? 还没好好看看你眼睛就花了 haven't even looked at you carefully yet, and my vision is already blurring

if only... by ozi

如果可以把時間退�� if i can rewind time 別讓命運把妳給帶走 i won't let fate take you away 對妳能說著我最近做些什麼 i want to be able to tell you what i've been doing these days 希望別再錯過 i hope i won't miss it again 如果可以讓我跟她說 if only i can just tell her 願意付出我所有為了 i'm willing to trade everything i have 能換一點時間just to see you again for a little time just to see you again 別再擔心著我 so you don't have to worry about me anymore

[lesbeet]

god i remember i used to listen to the tsn soundtrack while i was teaching myself to code and making themes and shit lskdlfsdkfj

it’s so funny i remember seeing it in theaters w a friend of mine when it came out in 2010 and i thought it was mediocre, kinda boring, wished i hadn’t spent the money to go see it

i DON’T remember watching it a second time and i don’t remember why i even would have because of how indifferent i’d felt about it the first time, but like. somehow we’ve ended up here and it’s my favorite movie in the world and i’m so glad

i’m putting the rest under a cut bc it got long but like. see more rambling about the social network (2010) below if you have any interest:

i do remember being pleasantly surprised when i found out there’s a tiny little online niche of twitter/tumblr people who love it as much as i do bc i feel like when i tell most people tsn is my favorite movie they’re like “...huh? weird” and i dont wanna go into the whole spiel about IT’S NOT ABOUT FACEBOOK IT’S ABOUT A FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN TWO HORRIFICALLY REPRESSED COLLEGE BOYS WHO ARE PROBABLY IN LOVE, AND ALSO THE SCREENWRITING AND DIRECTION ARE STELLAR

like there are ofc the big-ticket items that everyone knows and loves (”it’ll be because you’re an asshole” “the marlin and the trout” “my prada’s at the cleaners” “i’m just checking your math on that” “let’s gut the friggin nerd,” the chimney-to-pool zipline, and so forth bc aaron sorkin might be pretentious as hell but i LIVE for his dialogue and as much as people complain that he’s too elitist and that he alienates viewers w his dialogue, like...the west wing is widely considered one of the best shows that’s ever been on television, and most peoples’ favorite parts of this particular movie are the zingers and one-liners and other memorable quotes) but also just. on every level it’s so good. on every level!

i wanna talk more about sorkin bc as much as i credit fincher w the reason i love the movie so much bc he’s my favorite director, sorkin did a lot of the heavy lifting as the writer! fincher can obviously hold his own w scripts that are very different 

(in fact most people were surprised when they found out he’d be directing this film in particular bc it seemed so different from his usual tastes, and understandably sorkin’s and fincher’s styles don’t necessarily seem readily compatible at first glance, though obviously it worked well! i think fincher’s clinical, sleek look just the right amount of seriousness to the story. so much of it takes place on a college campus and there are college idiots doing stupid shit throughout a lot of it, and i think other cinematography styles might’ve either made it too funny or too dramatic, and we would’ve lost that crucial element, which decontextualizes a lot of the personal growth (or lack thereof) in the different characters. also it feels high-tech and clean and that style works so well with all the tech-mimicry trent reznor + atticus ross wove into the score. 

like i don’t really know much about very many other directors, but i’m trying to picture if like. chris nolan or even like. fucking spielberg or whomever directed the movie and i just don’t think it would’ve fit as well. fincher loves digital and cgi and precision and i think that works very well with the pointed tightness of the dialogue, of the rigidity of the majority of the characters in the film (esp mark!!) who seem to change very little, if at all, through the movie, and just visually it’s like w black mirror or ex machina or any other films or shows that feature some sort of technological innovation, where they keep everything high-def and impersonal and sleek and deliberate)

the amount of information about the characters that’s conveyed in the very first scene with mark and erica, more or less unrealized by the audience! the non-linear structure that changes the fundamental story question of “what will happen” to “how did this happen”! the way sorkin made us care about an antihero who literally doesn’t change or grow as a person until the very end of the movie when he’s left with no choice but to realize how badly he’s fucked up! 

how about the fact that eduardo literally only mentions his father in 3 little lines throughout the 2 hour film and despite the fact (or because of the fact) that we actually know very little about eduardo as a person those little lines carry SO much weight 

now i’m just gonna mention some of my favorite little things in the movie that i don’t see people talk about a lot sldkfjsd

first off that cut from sean saying “you know what’s better than a million dollars?” to eduardo in the deposition saying “a billion dollars.” fucking brilliant (though i think one of fincher’s best cuts of all time is actually in gone girl, when it goes from nick and amy kissing to nick being swabbed for dna, but that’s an obvious one i think)

also “you know how much i’ve read about you? nothing.”

“because we are gentleman of harvard”

“anne, punch me in the face. go ahead”

“whoops, broke your 350 year-old doorknob.”

divya falling and disrupting the a capella performance

“i can’t stare at that loop of niagara falls which has absolutely nothing to do with the caribbean.” (also the fact that they were at an AEPi party klsdjflksjd)

“what you just said makes no sense at all.” “i’m devastated by that.”

brenda song lighting the fucking scarf on fire

i really love the whole scene w dakota johnson it’s such a breath of fresh air from a lot of the rest of the movie (also ik fincher has said he wanted to make a clear visual distinction between california and cambridge, and since this is the first time we’re seeing the west coast in the film the brightness and sun and lax-ness really highlight that)

“the winklevi”

eduardo’s face the entire time sean is talking at dinner is just the visual equivalent of “.......”

hand covers bruise of course duh

“you wanna hire an IP lawyer and sue him?” “no, i wanna  hire the sopranos to beat the shit out of him with a hammer”

“i’m sorry that you are not sufficiently impressed with my education” “and i’m sorry i don’t have a rowboat, so i guess we’re even”

“i’m not a psychiatrist, but—” “well i’m glad we’ve got that on the record.”

[EDUARDO: you didn’t bring down the record companies. they won

SEAN: in court

EDUARDO: ....yeah ??]

i didn’t mean for this to get so long i just really love this movie ksdjflkjsdf

[female-overlord-3]

A Simple Text

Me being productive and super inspired wrote another Love, Simon/ SVTHSA fic. Earlier meeting in the books guys so book spoilers. AO3 tags pretty much explains why I wrote it. Thank you so much to @imawriteriwrite and @bluemoon-golden for both looking it over and being my beta’s! Love you both. This is fluff and might lead to more (read: yes there’s gonna be more if this writing streak continues)! 

*updated 4/1/18 at 4am cause I realized I put the pre-beta’d version. Oops!

An early meeting AU because someone just wanted their best friend happy. What if Simon saw Bram leaving the Elliott Smith shirt? 

They stare at each other frozen. Simon doesn’t know what to think. Bram doesn’t know what to think. It’s like the universe stopped just for this moment to signify how important it is, how life changing this one simple moment is.

It was just a simple text to grab a textbook.

Si man please grab my Math textbook? I left it in Abb’s locker like an absolute moron and it had all my notes! Please please please Simon I will love you forever! -Nick

So here he is standing just a few feet from his and Abby’s locker because Nick asked since Simon was nearby and needed some air. Bram is standing in front of his locker with a plastic bag looped through the handle of a locker staring wide eyed at him, his hands frozen writing something on a piece of paper against the locker. Simon’s locker.

At first Simon doesn’t know what Bram is doing until he sees something white poking out from the bag. ‘No this isn’t-’ His thoughts are racing and he takes a step forward shattering the moment. Like the star athlete he is, Bram bolts the opposite way, pen, paper and bag forgotten as he disappears down the hall. Completely at a loss Simon just stands there in utter shock until his eyes turn back to the bag on his locker. Slowly, he makes his way over and hesitates before removing the bag and peaking inside.

It’s a jersey cotton t-shirt with a logo from Elliott Smith’s Figure Eight. He looks down at it in complete awe then his eyes the paper and pen laying on the floor. It’s blue green construction paper and written on it is a finished note.

I’m assuming Elliott understood that you would have made it to his shows if you could have.

Simon stands frozen again as his brain tries to stop imploding. It’s Blue, Bram is Blue. Cute, adorable, quiet, shy Bram is Blue. Some things are starting to click like as he stares at the perfectly straight print on the note, those times Bram blushed at him, the comment about how being straight or white as the default is annoying, Bram who had his birthday after MLK day which means 118 is January 18th his birthday and Green from Greenfeld. God he’s an absolute oblivious idiot!

Putting the note in the bag Simon turns around to walk back to his car on shaky legs. Somehow he drives himself home without crashing into something, makes it upstairs to his room without trouble, then falls face first on his bed still in disbelief. Shouldn’t he be doing something? Why is he just laying here, doing nothing while the guy he’s in love with is out there and so close?

No Blue needs space. He needs time and he must be as shocked or at least freaked out about being found out and- oh god there was a reason he was there so late with the school pretty much dead. He didn’t want to be seen, for people to know he left the shirt. Pulling the shirt out and tossing the bag behind him to get rid of later, Simon holds it in front of him just just stare at it again. It’s just a t-shirt, some fabric with a bands logo and it shouldn’t mean so much but holy shit it does. This shirt means the world to him after the decreasing messages from Blue which was horrible, and especially after the last one Simon sent getting no reply.

Groaning he buries his face into it hoping maybe he can smother himself with it in frustration. No he can’t do that now with such a special shirt and a very special someone out there. Simon takes a deep breath then lifts his face from the shirt only to feel something stiff when his hands move the shirt. Spreading out so the shirt lays flat, he lifts the neck to see inside and there’s another piece of Blue Green construction paper. It’s a note with the same perfect print.

P.S. I love the way you smile like you don’t realize you’re doing it. I love your perpetual bed head. I love the way you hold eye contact a moment longer than you need to. And I love your moon-grey eyes. So if you think i’m not attracted to you, Simon, you’re crazy.

Below the script is a phone number and Simon doesn’t know whether to text or call the number right now or just wait because he is really lightheaded and feels like he’s going to pass out. His heart is beating like crazy, whole body buzzing with warm tingles while a smile so big breaks across his face, cheeks aching because he knows who Blue is and Blue gave him his number.

They need to talk, to figure everything out and- and he needs to tell this stupidly cute and frustrating guy how much he loves him too.

Now the big question: how?

-

Bram runs, he runs and runs until he’s back on the field where Garrett is waiting for him to take him home. Garrett is smiling at him until he sees the panicked look on his face, concern replacing the excitement. “Bram you okay man?”

Panting he just stares at his best friend and for some reason the question makes him laugh. God is he okay, ya if what just happened is as okay as their new president. No he’s actually horrible and terrified because the person he’s in love with now knows who he is, that he’s Blue and everything is ruined because he’s going to lose this amazing guy. His laugh turns a bit hysterical for a second before he has to catch his breath again, his legs turned to jelly so he stumbles and lets himself drop on to the grass so he can just lay in his back and hope for lightning to hit him or the ground to swallow him up.

Once his breathing is something close to normal he lets out a long sigh and closes his eyes. “I- I’m not sure. I don’t think so.”

He hears Garrett’s feet walking over and sit next to him, just being there as silent support. “I hope you get to okay.” He finally commented as they sit there for a bit longer before silently standing and walk to Garrett's car to head home.

Bram thanks Garrett for the ride and it’s only once he’s in his room lying on his bed, that he starts actually thinking about what happened.

Now Simon knows who he is. Now Simon has is number. Oh god now Simon has his number and the notes he left!

Bram wants to just die already or maybe he can stay in his room forever. He doesn’t know how to feel about this. He’s both horrified this happened but also a little excited. Of course the horror overrides the excitement but now Simon knows who he is, that he’s Blue.

What should he do now? Bram asks himself. Should he email him? Wait to see if Simon uses his number? Wait til tomorrow? He doesn’t want to because honestly right now all of that seems terrifying and now he’s starting to get nauseous.

Taking a bit to think about it, waiting til tomorrow sounds the best for right now. If he loses Simon then he loses Simon. If he gets some form of reply about the shirt or who he is… he’ll cross that bridge if it ever happens.

He gladly let’s sleep take him so today can be behind him.

-

Nick, Leah, and Abby are all settled in the basement at Simon’s after Simon begged and pleaded with his friends to help him so he spilled his verbal guts to them about Blue and eventually Martin. Nick finally caved and told Simon that he actually didn’t leave his textbook. He didn’t say who asked him to do it but that all he had to do was get Simon back on campus and to his locker as soon as possible. For some reason that just makes Simon feel worse.

It takes a literal stranger to make him see who Blue was. Simon was so stuck on all the wrong clues and his stupid crush on Cal to see what was literally right in front of him.

Sinking to the floor Simon just lets out a loud sigh before he looks at Nick with morose eyes. “Tell whoever that is thank you and that i’m a colossal idiot.” Nick just grins at him as he nudges his best friend with his foot. “Ya I will but first we gotta get your guy back!”

Leah and Abby grab his arms to pull him up and bring everyone into a group hug.

Once the questions and teasing was done, the crazy hopeful plan they all come up with is ready to be set into motion.

If everything goes well, Simon reluctantly agrees to go to this restaurant place Abby insists they should celebrate at but he remains firm on Bram only coming if he's comfortable doing so. Leah seems hesitant on joining but she concedes when Simon asks her to be his moral support. If she doesn’t like the place then they’ll take her home.

God Simon hopes this works.

-

Bram drives to school in an almost numb mood. He goes through the motions of parking and heading to his locker but the realization of Nick standing at it catches his attention. “Hey Nick.” He greets him a bit confused. Nick isn’t usually this early and he’s almost always with Abby, Leah or Simon in the morning.

“Morning Bram!” Nick beams at him before seeming to remember why he’s there. His smile turns a little sheepish but doesn’t fall as he brings out something from behind him.

It’s a piece of paper and a large case of Halloween themed Oreo's.

Bram blinks at it before his tired brain makes everything click, his eyes go a little wide as they flick back and forth from Nick to the Oreo's.

“Um ya so ‘you know who’ is really really sorry but also a complete idiot. He- I mean they also say that he hopes this is romantic as hell.”

Bram takes the offered items, or well he supposes they’re gifts now, a little shocked at what’s happening before his eyes go down to the paper in Simon’s script decorated with soccer balls and his shirt number, to read it. It’s a letter.

Dear Blue,

I am a complete ass and i’m so sorry for being such an idiot. This is a very hopeful apology, the first out of three. I should have put all the damn clues together way sooner but of course i’m still dense and can’t seem to apply actual logic to these types of things. I guess you make me illogical. Leah and Abby punched me when Nick told me with a very disappointed face your full name was Abraham. I also realize that i’m even more of a moron and what 118 means.

I still meant what I said about the last email. You’ve become my best friend and I still want to keep you but this goes however you want it to go. We can go back to emailing and not knowing each other’s real identities or by some miracle you can accept these poor attempts at a romantic gesture. Abby has my next apology.

-Love, Simon.

Bram can’t seem to breathe as he rereads the paper again then one more time to make sure he’s not actually dreaming. His eyes cautiously peer up to Nick who’s still smiling as he leans with his back against the lockers.

Nick just shrugs. “I think I know why Garrett sent me a text now.” He gives Bram a pat on the shoulder before wishing him good luck and heading to his own locker.

Left standing there Bram kind of wants to sink to the floor into a puddle because of course Simon would want to do something like this. Taking a deep breath he tries to calm all these whirling emotions and head to first period, the paper folded and tucked into his bag while he puts the Oreo's in his locker. Guess he just has to wait for Abby now.

He doesn’t catch her until the passing period between second and third. Her face lights up when she spots him and with determination she makes her way to him.

“Hey Bram! We’re heading out to eat after rehearsal. Join us if you want to, I was told not to pressure you so i’m going to just give you these and be on my way. Garrett is tagging along so just find him. Again a serious idiot who is willing to grovel. Leah will be at lunch.” She gives his shoulders a gentle squeeze when Bram’s eyes widen in fear. “Hey simple and quiet. No one is going to know unless you want them to okay.” She reassures him and it actually helps. “Thanks.” She hands him a CD case and another paper, this one decorated with music notes, lyrics to some songs, and the Elliott Smiths shirt. He takes them quickly and gives Abby a small smile before dashing to his next class.

Settled in his seat Bram finally looks over the CD case to see a list of songs, all their shared favorites, and the letter which he’s extremely tempted to read so he asks to go to the bathroom to do so away from prying eyes.

Dear Blue,

Music has always helped me calm down and find some semblance of peace. I added all the songs we’ve mentioned and a couple of new ones I think you might like. If you haven’t noticed all the awesome art is thanks to Leah and before you freak out about them knowing, they swore on WAHO that they’d never say a word. I think they’re all more protective of you than me right now which is a given since I did some very shitty things to warrant it. It’s because of them I was able to think of this very sappy and romantic apology. They’ll have your back just like they have mine. I’m honestly really nervous right now and hope you somehow forgive me.

I want you to know I did hope it was you because I call you cute Bram in my head but of course Simon Logic made me think you were straight. God i’m so dense and clueless for someone who’s supposed to be in Hufflepuff. I won’t see you at Lunch because of rehearsals but that’s where apology number 3 is with Leah. I hope it makes you laugh but it might make you blush. I didn’t tell you you’re cute when you blush did I? Well you are and again i’m sorry. I hope I see you after rehearsal.

-Love, Simon.

Bram is a mess of emotions during fourth and he starts to get a bit nauseous the sooner the clock ticks to lunch time. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling right now but he’s does know he’s forgiven Simon since apology number one. The second and whatever the following apology is just cements how much he really does love this stupid boy and his determination to express how truly sorry he is.

He returns to class and tries to stop the smile off his face, folding then placing the letter with the other before trying and slowly failing to pay attention in class. When the bell rings to signal it’s lunch Bram’s hands are shaking and he can feel his heart go a mile a minute. It’s almost like he’s on autopilot as he makes his way to the cafeteria but stops just at the doors that lead inside. His eyes see Leah and Garrett at their table with Morgan and Anna who are off to the side. The former two are chatting away as they watch something on a phone while Garrett and Leah are talking about something huddled together. He can spy an orange packet and another letter which is the only thing that propels him to start walking towards the table.

He hovers a bit before moving to sit next to Garrett. He’s greeted with an arm slung around his shoulder and a small smile from Leah. “Garrett’s lucky that I didn’t punch him for what he did.” The comment makes Garrett freeze as he turns to give his best friend his version of puppy dog eyes. “I didn’t do anything besides send a random text man. I just- I just want you to be happy Bram.” He confessed and who could stay mad at that? He does punch Garrett’s arm lightly before turning his attention back to Leah.

For some reason he’s back to being shy again, the words coming out soft and hesitant.

“So you… umm. You have something for me?” The words are all mumbled together but she seems to hear him clearly as she passes him a packet of Reese's that has a folded note on it and the last letter. This one is Harry Potter themed with lightning bolts, the houses, a small drawing of the castle, owls, and a snitch. “You’re an amazing artist Leah.” The comment makes Leah blush as she gives him another quick smile before digging into her lunch. Garrett and her respectfully scoot down the bench to give him some small form of privacy. Bram really appreciates it.

As much as he wants to read the letter, the small note on the Reese’s is what he reads first.

It does make him blush and laugh, a short chuckle he tries to cover with his hand but both Leah and Garrett snap their head to look at him in awe. They’re both burning with curiosity but can’t get over the shock of hearing him laugh.

Leah’s voice has a touch of wonder when she says, “I think that’s the first time i’ve ever heard you laugh.” Garrett just stares at him with a shocked smile. “Same” His voice is as almost a whisper like he doesn’t realize he said it.

The whole thing makes Bram blush harder as covers his face with one hand and pushes the Reese’s with the note open towards them.

It reads: Oreo’s are still better than sex but like always you’re the exception. Here are your sub-par Reese’s.

Bram quickly leaves them with his gifts in hand as they start laughing, the phrase ‘what a dork’ and ‘omg’ the last thing he hears before he’s out of the cafeteria and walking to his car. He wants total and complete privacy when he reads the last letter so what better place than his car.

Dear Blue,

So i’m now freaking out and still nervous. I think this is what you must have felt like when you were sure i’d actually be intelligent and start figuring out all the clues you left. This is horrible. I think i’m actually getting nauseous (yes i’m using that word now) but i’m still also trying to stay hopeful that you don’t just trash all of these letters or not show up after.

I’ll be honest and say i’d be really sad but if that was what you wanted then i’d just have to suck it up and take the hit. I hope you like the Reese’s and the note. It took me almost 8 times to write the word sex, hell it took me a good 5 minutes to write it here. I sorta wish I didn’t have rehearsal so I could be there to see if you did blush or laugh. I think I might die if I hear your actual laugh though but i’m pretty sure it would be worth it. I’m getting a little tired of saying that i’m sorry because I feel like it’s kind of being overused so here’s another crack at trying to be romantic. Je suis désolé mon cher Bleu. Je t'en supplie, pardonne-moi.

-Love, Simon.

Nothing. Bram’s brain crashed and he’s drawing up a blank, just a blank nothing. The only thing stopping him from going to find Simon right now is class and that Simon is rehearsing. Also the still lingering fear of coming out to people he doesn’t actually know aka fellow students. Garrett was fine. His parents were fine. Leah, Nick, and Abby are fine too but it’s still so new and frightening.

Bram also selfishly wants to keep the emails and what’s going on with Simon mainly between them, keep this private intimate thing they have just for a little bit longer. He can make himself wait till the end of school.

-

Simon cannot make it to the end of rehearsals. He’s literally dying and the fond but annoyed look Abby keeps shooting him doesn’t help. It’s not his fault he keeps zoning out okay, he’s trying his best with everything that’s going on right now.

Finally they get the dismissal from Ms. Albright to go and it takes everything in Simon to not just run out and find Leah or Nick or be brave and go to Bram first. Abby hooks their arms together and it helps ground him just enough to calm down and change. She also makes sure he keeps the make-up on this time.

Once they’ve changed out of costume and start making their way to the parking lot, all his nerves and fears start coming back the closer they get. Simon keeps switching back from keeping his eyes on the ground and searching the crowd of people.

He tries not to be devastated when he only sees Nick and Leah at his car. Abby squeezes his hand in apology.

Nick and Leah seem to notice them and Nick all but sprints towards them as he tackles them in a hug. Leah catches up and sees the faces both Abby and him are making. She groans and nudges Nick. “Don’t you have something for him?” “Oh right!” He digs into his pocket to pull out a folded piece of blue paper and pushes it into Simon’s hand. “He would be here but well- just read the note man i’m sure he’ll explain.”

Unfolding the paper Simon reads the same perfect script and just seeing it lets him breathe again.

Dear Jacques,

Reese’s are not sub-par. I have no idea how I’m going to actually talk to you in person, it was just so much easier by email and even now writing it down. I need to talk to my mom first about going out but I know she’ll let me since I would be Garrett's ride. I also might need just a little bit more time before I actually see you, but I do want to see you again. The only thing stopping me from doing so at Lunch was that you were rehearsing and i’m honestly not sure what I would have done or said. I also hoped that you were Jacques.

As for all the apologies, I forgave you pretty much at the start of the first letter. The two that followed just cemented it and made me miss you even more. I’ll see you soon.

-Love, Bram.

P.S. No I don’t want things to go back to the way they were. I think i’m ready for a little bit of change.

P.P.S. Is it bad I do still want to keep you to myself via our emails? I don’t want to hide if this, us, becomes a thing but I still want to keep this private intimate thing we have. Does this make sense?

Simon covers his face with the note and he feels like it might melt off.

Bram wants to see him. Bram forgave him. His plan wasn’t a total fail and Bram doesn’t hate him. They’re going to see each other!  

“Oh my god I need to change!” is the first thing that comes out of his mouth as he leaves his friends to jog to his car. He drops his keys twice and almost hits the car next to him when he opens the door.

A hand grabs his arm and steers him to the passenger side. “I’ll drive Si, you just sit and- i don’t know breathe? Maybe put that away for safekeeping.” Abby taps the blue paper that’s currently crushed against Simon’s chest and he quickly lays it across the dashboard to smooth it out. “I- yes. Smart. I just- help me?” Everyone kindly laughs at the strange voice he’s using and easily pile in so they can head to the Spier's residence. Simon needs to pick up a shirt.

-

It’s a gay bar/restaurant and now Simon wants to die for a whole new different reason.

“Abby really?” He bemoans as they head inside and if Bram doesn’t join them he would totally understand.

She just smirks at him and pushes him through the door. “Why not? We should celebrate for finishing rehearsal and you not being an idiot. Also just think,” she tilts her head so only he can hear “i’m sure you want to hold hands and sit next to each other.” Simon’s face is now permanently red. For life. Why are they friends.

“Maybe.” He mumbles a little excited at the possibility of it but he’s still concerned for Bram. He’s not sure how he’ll feel about all of this. “I just- i’m worried this might be too much for him.”

“I think he’ll be fine.” A soft voice answers him.

Simon spins around so fast he crashes into Nick and then almost stumbles back into Abby. Leah just sighs and rests a hand on his shoulder to steady him. “We’re being shown to our table now guys.”

Simon stands with his hands covering his face and all Bram can think about is how adorable he is right now. The others follow the hostess while he and Simon hang back near the waiting area.

Bram has no idea how but he crosses the few steps between them and stands right next to him, close enough that their shoulders brush together. A small gasp escapes from Simon and now Bram is the one blushing.

“Hi.” Simon squeaks out and gathers as much courage as he can to lift his head and look at Bram. Somehow it’s harder for him look away now.

A small smile greets him and after all this time Bram can finally stare into those moon-grey eyes. “Hi.” he answers and presses their arms together. “We should- um I think-” Simon sends him a smile, understanding what Bram’s trying to say. “Join the others? Ya.” He nudges their shoulders and takes a step before pausing and ducking his head. “I’m really glad you came Bram.” He takes a shaky breath before adding, “And that it’s you.”

Bram didn’t realize how much hearing Simon say his name all hopeful and softly would affect him. He thinks he could listen to only that for the rest of his life. “I’m glad it’s you too Simon.” 

Their hands brush as they walk to join the others, grinning so wide it hurts. Of course their friends make sure to save them a spot so they sit together.

Even though this place is supposed to be a safe place for them, they keep their hands under the table. Both feeling brave they sit pressed together and slowly link their pinkies together.

Garrett ordered for Bram and Leah ordered for Simon so now they just wait for their food arrives.

Of course out of their entire group Abby and Garrett are bouncing in their seats trying their best to let their mutual friends be.

Simon and Bram share a look then shrug.

“Out with it before you both explode.”

Both Abby and Garrett take in a long breath of air before firing off questions one after the other.

“How long has this been going on!”

“Did Spier grovel enough?”

“Simon how can you call yourself a Hufflepuff after this?”

“What did you think about the plan Bram?”

“We have your backs okay, you know that right?”

“Spier I will murder you if you hurt my best friend.”

“Ditto Si, sorry but I'm still annoyed at you.”

“True but we’re all going to make Addison’s ass grass right?”

Leah, Nick, and Abby agreed and then the conversation turned to how they’d make Martin pay for what he did.

Simon gets a little weird about that because he still doesn’t know if he wants to deal with that situation. He closes in on himself just a little but when he says, “Hey it’s- i’m fine about the Martin thing okay. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore so can we just leave it?” Bram looks around to everyone who’s frowning at Simon and then it clicks for him. He didn’t realize anything could make him that angry ever. Bram turns to Simon and gives him a firm questioning look that Simon answers with a meek nod.

“If I see him I might punch him.” Bram says it with such certainty because it’s an actual fact.

Leah flicks a tiny paper ball at Simon. “I call dibs after you.” Simon slowly lifts his head to look at Leah, their eyes having a silent conversation before she grins. “You may have fucked up Si and we’re all still a little mad about it, but what Martin did was cruel and it shouldn’t have happened.” She kicks her feet against his under the table before smirking. “Now I want to know what that Reese’s note was about.”

Bram laughs at the suggested look Garrett gives them and Simon buries his face into his shoulder.

This time it’s Abby and Nick who stare at Bram because again they’ve never heard him laugh before and Nick’s on a team with him.

“It’s just easier to be brave when you don’t know who the other person is.” Bram admits. Now his and Simon’s hands are laced together, he gives it a light squeeze and gets one back.

Simon lets out a rather loud sigh that’s met by everyone awwing at him. He’s never been more thankful for a waiter to arrive with food.

It’s maybe a little bit after that Simon realizes he still has his face pressed into Bram’s shoulder. He moves to pull away but Bram’s hand tightens in his, their eyes meet and they both seem to understand what the other’s trying to say. They’ve slipped so easily into this, being near each other and face to face, the fear and anxiety of how they’d make this work all gone.

It’s the best meal either of them have ever had.

-

It’s after they’ve paid their bill and are hanging out near their cars, that Abby and Garrett realize their questions were never answered.

Simon and Bram share a fond look as they think about how all of this started.

“You guys remember that anonymous post?”

“Omg it was Bram!” Leah gushed.

Bram gives them all a sheepish smile. “One of the most terrifying actions of my life. I’m glad I did it.” They’re in public but that’s not stopping them from standing just a little too close. “I’m glad I emailed you.”

“I’m glad I sent Nick that text!” Garrett winks at them.

“Oh great. Our own personal cupid.” Simon’s drawls. Bram and him give Garrett a flat look.

He holds his hands up in surrender but keeps smiling. “I felt bad at first but I no longer regret it okay. You guys are freaking glowing.”

“Did you like all the sappy gifts?”Abby asks. Her arm is hooked through both Leah and Nicks, who also want to know.

Bram shrugs. “They were alright.” His voice is monotone and Simon gives him a blinding grin as everyone else groans at them. Bram can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face as he looks to Simon. “Well more than alright. Actually really freaking perfect. Of course you’d go all out.”

Simon’s voice goes soft as he just stares at Bram. “I had to.”

“Damn that was sweet.” Abby whispers, breaking their small moment.

They slowly settle into silence and enjoy this bonding moment where they’re all just highschool kids hanging out enjoying life.

A pensive look crosses Nicks face but he looks hesitant to share what's on his mind.

Simon has a feeling he knows so he gives him a small smile. “So… what are you guys going to do now?” Abby and Garrett frown at him but Nick’s dejected face makes them sigh in understanding.

Bram thought he’d be more worried about that question, the big ‘what now’ but he’s not, or well he is but now it seems a little easier to handle. He knows there’s going to be some things that are unavoidable, that they’ll face some hate but he has so much more support now and he does feel a lot better with not having to keep such a big secret anymore.

Simon has already had to deal with some of the backlash of coming out but he can’t be mad because it’s been pretty tame so far and there’ll always be people who just won’t understand or accept it. He’s out now and it’s like he can breathe so much better . His only worry is for Bram and what he’ll want to do but there’s that tiny part of him that hopes they can be together, go on dates and possibly be boyfriends.

“We’ll figure it out, talk about it.” Bram voices. “I already told Simon that I think i’m ready for a little change and I think I got pretty lucky to end up with my long time crush.”

Simon’s eyes go wide at that new bit of information. “I’m the cute guy that you can’t talk to!” He whispers and hides his face in his hands. “Why am I an oblivious idiot?”

“Well at least you’re going to be my oblivious idiot.” Bram blushes when he says it but he keeps his eyes on said adorable oblivious idiot. He’s just incredibly happy right now.

Simon is just- he’s so happy he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “I don’t deserve you.” he bemoans. “Oh I- I never thanked you for the shirt.”

Leah snorts. “The one you kept under your pillow? Also the one you’re wearing?”

“Betrayed!”

“Shut up you’re just sappy.”

Their laughter is interrupted by a phone chiming, of course, everyone checking theirs to see who’s it is. It’s Abby’s, a text from her mom wanting to know when she’ll be home.

“Well guess it’s getting pretty late guys. Ready to head home?”

Everyone reluctantly agrees because there is a thing called school they have tomorrow and all of them are still underage to stay out past curfew.

Simon and Bram linger a bit, not wanting to leave each other just yet.

“I’ll uh text you when I get home? I- I have your number now so we can do that and only if you want to-” Bram chews on his lip as he looks around before bringing Simon into a quick hug. “I’ll be waiting.”

They part and get into their respective cars, grinning like fools the whole drive home.

[fantroll-purgatory]

@47098

I hope you don’t mind how long this is!! I’ve been working on her for a long time!

Don’t worry, we always appreciate well developed trolls!

The left is before the game and during the beginning phases, the right is after some self-reflection.

Alternia or Beforus or some type of AU?: Alternia

Name: MAROUX RAURBE

Maroux- Partially from Marcel Marceau, a famous mime. the -oux is from another famous mime, Etienne Decroux.

Raurbe- I don’t exactly remember, I think it was from another famous Mime? I’m not too fond of this last name tbh

Oh I have a friend who absolutely loves mimes, he’d be very excited about this character. I love her a lot! I think pantomime performance in general is a good place to seek names for her… So I think I’m going to replace Raurbe with Pierot. The Pierrot is sort of the origin of the sad clown and was originally regarded as a fool, and typically played a servile background role, but evenutally developed into an everyman image fondly regarded by post-revolutionary people and misunderstood artists. I think it sort of echoes Maroux’s role enough to be an effective surname. 

Maroux Pierot. 

Age: 6.9 sweeps

Weapon, since I don’t use specibi: Jack in the box weaponry, where she pulls out a jack in the box and when it unwinds a random weapon or joke pops out. These can range from anything as useful as a gun or sword, or as useless as a bag of confetti.

That is SO cute and definitely applicable within canon. I hope all the weapons get fun punny names, like if a staff comes out calling it The SlapStick.

Inventory: CIRCUS, where there is a constantly spinning wheel that her items are spinning on. She has to wait for the rotation to reveal the item she wants. It also displays her joviality, whereas most inventory systems in my story show health (like HP).

Maybe you could add a Wheel of Death element to this. Place each item on a target and she has to use a knife to hit the target without damaging the item if she wants to extract it.

Blood color: Purple (she isn’t a mutant or anything, her color scheme is just bright. shes meant to stand out but maybe she stands out a bit too much??)

To keep her canon compliant I’ll have to bring her blood color down, but don’t worry, I’ll make sure she still pops! 

Symbol and meaning: Her symbol is in the shape of a smile, almost. The loop in the center is supposed to be sort of reminiscent of her tricky nature, while the two lines on the side show her silence. I sort of came up with it on the spot, though.

A really cute symbol, but with regards to our newer rule I’m going to go ahead and replace it with. 

Capripia. It has a nice similarly loopy design and it represents the dream planet and class assignment that you gave her- which I totally agree with! The symbol’s name is ‘the Brusque,’ which fits her actions more than her speaking habits (since her speaking habits are None).

Trolltag: silentComedian [SC]

I think corporealComedian [CC] communicates what you’re going for in a much subtler way. Corporeal Pantomime was a sculptural pantomiming artform that focused a Lot of attention on the art and evocation of emotion through gesture. Like Advanced Miming. It fits in well with her general theme and interests.

Quirk:

OuO? UnU hEhEhE!!! DuD (At first she only giggles or uses emoticons. Later on she speaks more. She capitalized Es and uses rhyme.)

Adorable quirk and very fitting for a mime character. I like the capitalized E because it feels like it provides a good creepy emphasis on that laugh.

Lusus: A dove, unnamed because it died extremely early in her life. A dove… hm. I can see why you’d pick that. But purples have a tendency towards aquatic mammal lusii, at least from what we’ve seen so far. I don’t think it’s impossible for the dove, so you can keep it if you want- especially because they’re associated with magical acts and all! But I might recommend a Hooded Seal. If only because their inflating nose is very clowny and very, very funny. 

Personality: She’s super sweet, always smiling. She is extremely creepy, coming off that way intentionally. She thinks that her creepy attitude mixed with her odd interests and persona makes her comedy better, which it sort of does.

Extremely curious, she will read almost anything put in front of her. She enjoys books about or involving comedy the most, but she won’t say no to a good mystery or romance if it happens to pass by. She secretly loves them, but don’t tell anyone! Her curiosity leads her to have some extremely odd and sometimes nonsensical pieces of information in her mind, most of which is inconsequential because she can’t recite them. This leads to her knowing how to do things that others don’t, though, and that only adds to others interpretation of her as a mysterious and off-putting figure.

She has a vow of silence due to her involvement in the religion of the Subjuggulators. She was never really given much of a choice about her decision, mostly because she was sort of… born into it? Her lusus was murdered very early on, and she was taken in by them to become a sort of charity case. Their violent tendencies rubbed off on her, though, so she is incredibly strong and versitile in battle. She was an active member, seeing them all as her family, and would kill anyone they wished. She was essentially the reaper among them, the silent mime made to do dirty work. She had doubts, mostly because she reads a lot and learns about the trolls her group is bigoted against, but never had the guts to leave them. She also has some inherently bigoted ideals, despite her research into the lower castes. Even as the trolls she murdered would beg for life, she would offer them no mercy.

She does change later, though! Especially before she goes god tier.

I ADORE her personality and the detail and thought you’ve put into it. Her being in a role where she feels she has to listen to the cult and is influenced by them despite her research, and how she has to learn to be better… very compelling and a lot of development potential! 

I do have to remind that purpleblooded trolls are known for being biologically predisposed to violent and unpredictable behavior, so you might want to scheme up a way to avoid such tendencies? Maybe her clowning around helps soothe her… Or maybe she just takes a good sopor nap.

Interests:

Clowning ?? BRIGHT COLORS ABSTRACT FORMS OF COMEDY THAT AREN’T NOTICEABLE UNTIL YOU LOOK CLOSE FUNNY DANCES squirt guns CLOWN IN THE BOXES (used as weaponry) ANIMALS

All so cute and good! Does she like interpretive dance, too? You should maybe give her a little interest in slapstick. But the whole abstract comedy thing is wonderful. 

Title: Knight of Light

Her being overwhelmed with information makes this a very fitting title imo. She needs to learn to exploit and utilize all the information she has in her mind and how to filter out the lies and unnecessary bits and get things down to a functional core. She’ll be very powerful once she reaches her potential! Her inverse is Rogue of Void, which means she can passively redistribute mystery and secrets, too! 

She is...an adorable clown KnightLight. That is all I came here to say thank you.

-TR

Land: MANSIONS and PURSUIT

Ooo, so a whole planet full of mansions? I wonder how that’ll work. Pursuit makes sense because her title implies a pursuit of truth and information… 

Dream Planet: Derse

Sorry that that was so long! The personality segment especially. She’s one of my favorite fantrolls, and I really want to do her justice;; 

Don’t apologize, you provided the perfect amount of information! I adore her! Now on to design stuff!

Hat/Horns: I loved the hat so much that I had to keep it around. I made it a darker purple stolen right from the pants and changed the outline, and then added a little stripe to add some extra visual interest. Her horns I changed to match the bend of her symbol, but also to fit perfectly inside her hat! 

Hair: On her mime side, I felt like she felt a little bare without visible bangs. I still kept them pretty sparse, but I put a few more peeking out. On the right, I just gave her a few more flippy bits to fill out the body of her hair. 

Eyebrows/Eyes: On the clown side, I liked the eyebrows really high because it looked silly and clowny, but I wanted to bring them down to a more reasonable height on the right. For the eyes, I wanted to add eyelashes to match the traditional girl troll rule. On the mime side, I also added a little mimey makeup!

Collar: I gave her ruffly collar an outline. 

Shirt: Changed the symbol on both sides to reflect her new symbol! 

Skirt: I wanted to give her mime side a mimey kind of overalls with gold snaps and some light stripes. Cute and fun. 

Pants: I kept them the same on the right side to keep that pop of light color that she really needs, but on the mime side I recolored them to be blood colored with light spots. 

Thank you so much for sharing her. She’s so cute and I love her to death! 

-CD

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy. 

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me??? 

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?" 

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon. 

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott. 

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward. 

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew. 

We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

Also...

ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen 

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life. 

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge 

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him 

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking 

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

[winsister91]

I’m Fine

This is for @sofreddie Ships Ahoy! Challenge! Pairing - Dean x Jo Song theme - My December - Linkin Park

Summary: Dean is lost with grief over Jo’s death when Christmas comes around. This is not how it was supposed to be.

Characters: Dean, Sam, Bobby, Jo (mentioned), Ellen (mentioned)

Warnings: Much angst and grief 

Word Count: 1229

Here’s a Masterlist if you want it

Let me know if you wanna be tagged in my fics!

A/N: Okay, this one’s a massive downer I admit. I used to ship Dean and Jo so hard. When I first saw the episode when she and Ellen die, I was genuinely heartbroken and tears may have happened. Writing this, I think it’s quite evident I’m still not over it! Sorry to be such a depressant here, I imagine ship challenges are normally a lot more light-hearted and lovely! My bad! Too late now though!

The Impala pulled up at Bobby's snow-covered home. Dean sighed, turning the key to plunge the rumbling engine into silence. Sam seemed enthusiastic, glad to spend Christmas day with Bobby and to just relax with a few beers. Dean had smiled the day before when his brother stated how he was actually looking forward to it, but it wasn't a genuine smile. He didn't want to put Sam on a downer, so just bottled it up and carried on.

Upon entering, Bobby greeted them with some ridiculously strong egg nog, enough to make even Dean grimace. They exchanged gifts that were all straight from the gas station as per tradition. Then they sat, some lame ass Christmas movie on the TV as they chatted amongst themselves. Recent cases, where they'd travelled, reminiscing old times. Dean did his best to join in with his usual witty retorts and sarcastic comments, but he knew his heart wasn't in it. After all, he was just pretending. Every gap in the conversation, he felt his eyes lingering on the surrounding chairs. The cold empty space on the couch next to him. She could have been sat there. She should have been, and he would have given anything and everything for her to be here instead of him.

He takes another deep swig of his beer, the preferred beverage of choice compared to that damned lethal eggnog. But the bottle is empty, he'd absent-mindedly downed another one. How many now? Six? Seven? Yet he felt nothing. No buzz. No lightheadedness. All that had changed was the hole in his guts had grown bigger.

“Carry on at that rate son, there'll soon be none left,” Bobby chuckled.

“You knew we were coming Bobby,” Dean chuckled convincingly, “Didn't you think to stock up? I got some more in the car.”

Getting to his feet, the change in altitude made him feel a slight rush of some minor alcohol effects. He steadied himself and trudged outside.

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

His feet dragged sluggishly in the growingly deep snow whilst the bitter air cut into his cheeks. Now alone, his brain went into overdrive. Bringing up that nagging consistent loop of questions. Could he have done something? Could she have been saved? He couldn't shake the feeling that maybe there was something he missed, and she could have been here now. He shakes his head, knowing this was a stupid thought process. It was too late. Jo was dead, and he didn't have the power to save her or Ellen.

He grunts as he pulls one of the Impala's back doors open, dragging his trusty beer cooler into view. He can see her, right there in his mind's eye, constantly. When he first met her at Ellen's bar, how impressed he was that she could easily hold her own. Ellen too. They made quite a pair of badasses. That is until he came along and screwed it all up. Dragged them into this mess of a life that was his. Then he thought about the hunt he and Sam found Jo on. Pretending to be a couple to look at that apartment. How he actually enjoyed that unexpected quality time with her before the case got nasty. He and Sam saved her that time, but luck clearly only lasts so long...

Dean opens the cooler, rubbing his head whilst he took out a beer, he needed to get this out of his system before going back inside. He twists the cap off the bottle, bringing the cold misty glass to his lips.

This is not how today was meant to be. It had all been planned. Everyone was going to be here, him, Sammy, Ellen...Jo... Dean and Sam were to come home to a reunion. Ellen was to cook, Bobby her faithful sous chef. Jo was going to make her meanest punch and try and take Sam and Dean on at drinking. It was meant to be a happy day, one Dean would have cherished until the next, and the next. He grit his teeth. The memory of that fated day forced its way into his mind. Even beaten and bloodied she was so beautiful. He remembered looking at her after he placed that trigger in her hands, all his plans for them fizzling away before his very eyes. He hadn't found the words yet, but he'd planned on telling her how he felt. Bringing down his walls of bravado and letting her in, if she'd allow it. He had so many things to say and share, and in that moment, knowing she was soon to slip from this son of a bitch world, he couldn't say any of it. He settled on letting let actions speak for themselves. Jo's lips were everything he'd imagined and more to touch, the kiss that should have lead to many more. He hoped she knew. Knew how he truly felt. Knew that the chances of him feeling like that for anyone else were slim and next to none. He loved her, and he never told her. It made him want to take back all the sarcastic quips and comments he'd made whilst he knew her to ensure she didn't think otherwise.

Dean felt a stinging in his eyes, he gave a hard swallow to try and be rid of the ball in his throat. His hands began to shake with pent-up energy that he had to unleash. He threw the bottle in his hand at full pelt, sending it crashing loudly into one of the nearby wrecked cars, doing little to alleviate his thumping heart and pounding headache. Rubbing his head, Dean pushed a huge sigh, ignoring the taste of salty tears settling on his upper lip. This December was his, not hers. The thought of what he would give for it to be hers. Even more for them to have shared it. He would give it all away for that. To come home to her.

Dean looked up at the night's sky, hoping there was some way Jo could see and hear him. There was enough crazy crap out there so maybe this was a possibility, it was a nicer thought than the reality of being alone.

“I miss you,” he whispers into the cold air, “I'm sorry...”

The loud bang of Bobby's front door closing almost made Dean jump out of his skin. Shaking his head to compose himself, he turns to see his brother looking concerned.

“Heard something smash?” Sam says with narrowed eyes, “You okay Dean? You don't seem yourself.”

“Never better,” Dean lied with a smile, “Was just on my way back in.”

“Yeah, I definitely believe that,” Sam folded his arms defiantly, “Talk to me Dean. I haven't forgotten what the original plan for today was. We're all hurting you know.”

“Right,” Dean shrugs, picking up the cooler and starting back for the house.

“Dean...” Sam sighs, looking at his brother, knowing full well there was no talking to him right now, “Do you... need anything?”

“Got all I need right here,” Dean gestures to the heavy box of beer.

“Right,” Sam sighed, his shoulders dropping at the loss of getting through to him, “Well...you know where I am if you need to talk it out.”

“Sammy,” Dean sounded assertive, “I'm fine.”

Tags! (majority from @spnfanficpond)

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[justanotherwannabeclassic]

Bloom (5/?)

Here’s another chapter of Bloom! Sorry for the delay in posting. I’ve been busy wrapping up my CSBB. But after this weekend, I will be mostly free! Once again, many thanks to @unfolded73 .  In this chapter, Regina and Snow throw Emma a shower, and Emma has a heart-to-heart with Zelena.

[Ch.1][Ch.2][Ch.3][Ch. 4]

You can also read on AO3!

Chapter 5: Daughters Her mother's farmhouse could only be described as a rainbow explosion. Multi-colored streamers hung from the ceiling, the cupcakes were iced in a variety of bright colors -- hot pinks, yellows, oranges, and blue. Snow and Regina had really outdone themselves with the baby shower. Not only were the decorations wonderful, but so was the food -- cupcakes, donuts, mini grilled cheese sandwiches -- basically everything Emma could want.

Emma only had one rule regarding the shower. Well, two. The first was not to have any weird or gross games, which Regina had thankfully backed her up on. The second rule was to avoid an over-abundance of pink. It wasn't as if she was opposed to her daughter wearing pink or dresses, she just didn't want that to be the only option for her.

So far, both of her requirements were being met.

"We're celebrating the birth of a new princess," Snow commented when Emma expressed her awe, "and most importantly, were celebrating my new granddaughter."  

"Please don't go all Jurassic Park on me and say you 'spared no expense'," Emma teased as she loaded her plate with more mini grilled cheeses. They were heavenly. "Actually, I take it back, these are fantastic. Don't spare any expense next time."

 "Next time? You and Guyliner are already talking about baby number two?" Regina asked from her station in the kitchen. She was mixing mocktails, though Emma was sure that her friend had spiked her own.

"Oh God, no. I just meant in the greater ‘next time’ sense, for whomever has a baby next. Or any birthday parties."

In fact, Emma was fairly certain she didn't want any more babies after this one. She already wasn't a fan of the toll this pregnancy was taking on her body, and she doubted it would get any easier with age. Besides, she imagined she and Killian were going to have their hands quite full soon with this one.  

Any further line of questioning was cut off as guests began to arrive. Emma had been half-convinced that her mother was going to invite the entire female population of Storybrooke, but she was pleased to see the women arriving were those she was already friendly with.

"It was watching him with Alexandra, wasn't it?" Ashley asked with a wink shortly after she arrived. "I knew those gears in your head had to have started turning when you saw how sweet he was with her."

"It may have nudged me along a tiny bit," Emma answered. Not too seriously, as she had been convinced she was going to die at the time. But the sight of Killian jovially interacting with the young girl had reminded Emma about the future they could have had, if she were not bound by fate.

The future they were sharing now.

"It's still shocking to me to see you two married," Aurora admitted, her cheeks turning pink at her confession. "I mean, it's obvious that you and the Captain both truly love one another, but I never would have considered it when you first met and he was working for Cora." 

Emma couldn't blame Aurora there. Even though Killian had made an effort to protect the princess' heart, he had also helped steal it in the first place. Besides, even though she felt a connection with Killian when they first met, she never envisioned it blooming to this.

"If it makes you feel better, neither did I," Emma assured Aurora.

"Me either," Snow added. She reached over to grab Emma's hand. "But I'm glad we all were wrong. I couldn't imagine our family without him now."

From across the room, Emma could hear Zelena mimicking a gagging noises. "You lot keep talking about how you never expected Storybrooke's golden couple to get together, and I've spent my whole time here trying to figure out why it took her so long to climb him like a tree."

"Zelena!"

"My mother is right here," Emma emphasized, waving her hands toward Snow. She just knew she was turning the color of her favorite jacket.

"What? Regina is technically your step-grandmother, and I know you've mentioned sex things around her."

"Be that as it may," Regina cut in with a severe tone, her voice all Evil Queen, "this party is to celebrate the baby, not to debate just which position made her."

"Someone kill me now." She buried her face in her hands, shaking her head as a few of her friends snickered. 

"Well how am I supposed to know what happens at these events? I never got the chance for anyone to host me one. Someone decided to speed up my pregnancy."

An awkward silence descended upon the room, and Emma felt very much like she had been punched in the gut. It was a deserved verbal gut punch, in her opinion, because what she had done as the Dark One had been cruel, but she hadn't expected it and wasn't prepared for the barb. Emma tried to think of words to say, but they died in her throat.

"Zelena, can you come into the kitchen and help me whip up some more drinks?" Regina's voice was like ice.

"Fine. But I was just stating the obvious. No need to be so touchy."

And then Zelena was gone, pulled into the kitchen to surely get scolded in some manner. Not that Emma was entirely sure she deserved it; maybe a lesson in tact, but that was probably fruitless with the Wicked Witch.

The mood at the party was still awkward. It was Belle who broke the silence, clapping her hands together, and announcing, "How about we play a game?"

Emma wasn't in the mood for games, but she acquiesced because she wasn't about to further sour the mood of the event, especially after all of the hard work everyone seemed to put into it. Granny was already glaring daggers at the doorway through which Zelena and Regina had left. Emma didn't want to make it worse.

Belle had left the room shortly after her inquiry, only to come back with a rather large stack of children's books. She handed them out at random.

"Now, Emma, prior to the game, everyone sent in their favorite children's book, or one they thought every child should have. Only we didn't tell each other the book we were bringing. So, the point of the game is to try to pair everyone with their book. I also threw in a few extra to make it more difficult," Belle explained. Well, the game wasn't gross, but it was a little on the strange side. Emma wondered if this was the type of game Belle would have wanted to the play at the shower she never had the chance to receive. "At the end of the game, you get to keep all of the books, so you'll have your own little library!"

Yes, yes it was.

Admittedly, it was a really entertaining game, and more difficult than she expected. Some were easy. Belle clearly had submitted Her Handsome Hero into the game, but the others through her for a loop. Aurora, of all people, had submitted Go the Fuck to Sleep.

"Sometimes you just feel like saying it," she explained, blushing. Emma had a feeling she wasn't normally openly crass. "And besides, it's a bit of a joke between Phillip and I with the whole sleeping curse." 

Surprisingly, there were few fairy tale stories, and none about the people they actually knew.

"Why confuse her with the wrong versions?" Snow explained with a shrug. Emma refrained from telling her that number one on Henry's "To Do" list for his younger sibling was to show her Peter Pan. 

Eventually Zelena and Regina returned, the former looking somewhat surly, but holding her tongue. Emma felt another pang of guilt, but pushed it down. Later, she told herself.

There was another round of games, the second one involving cupcakes and a hidden baby that Ashley won, before everyone gathered around Emma as she opened gifts.

Growing up, Emma rarely received any presents. Having everyone gathered around her was oddly foreign, and she tried to mask any discomfort she felt. This was everything she had wanted as a child -- a loving family and encouraging friends -- but now that she had it, she was still unsure of how to react. A small part of her, the little lost girl she doubted would ever fully disappear, still doubted she even deserved all of this attention.

"You guys really didn't have to do all of this," she said, eyeing what could only be described as a mountain of carefully wrapped gifts.

"We did," her mother insisted, placing a hand over hers and squeezing it encouragingly, "and most important of all, we wanted to."

"It's about time we had something to celebrate other than defeating the latest villain," Granny commented gruffly, causing an outbreak of laughter. "I'd much rather have my catering services go toward you rather than another 'we didn't die today' party."

"And since you were the one who did a lot of the almost-dying to save us, it's the least we could do," Ashley added sincerely.

Emma felt tears welling, ones she couldn't solely attribute to pregnancy hormones. Even if she totally was going to anyway. Willing them down, she laughed uneasily. "Well, if that's the case..."

Gifts were soon passed over to her, and Emma opened them with care. She was surprised when she opened a rather large gift from Belle. She had been expecting books, but instead it was full of tiny pirate-themed baby items -- onesies with anchors and skulls and crossbones, pirate socks and bobs, and --

"Is this a stuffed crocodile?" 

"Rumple thought it would be amusing," Belle answered with a twinkle in her eye.

"Leave it to the Dark One to have a strange sense of humor," Zelena commented, as Regina did her best to hide a snigger. "Though you might want to check to see if it's cursed." 

"He would not curse it!"

"I'm sure he wouldn't curse a stuffed animal," Regina said, casting a significant look to Emma that said yes, she would be checking for curses, even if she wouldn’t admit to doing so in front of Belle.

Emma set the crocodile to the side. She would leave it to Regina to figure out if it was safe, though she doubted Gold would be cruel enough to curse a her child's stuffed toy. But Emma had learned to err on the side of caution. (And even if it wasn't cursed, she doubted Killian would want the thing anywhere near their kid.)

She gasped when she opened a gift from Granny, a knitted blanket not dissimilar to her own.

"It's beautiful," she said. She clutched it closely to her chest. "Really, thank you."

"It's my honor," Granny replied, and much to Emma's surprise, it appeared that the older woman was dabbing her own eyes with a napkin.

Eventually Emma came to the end of the pile of gifts. At some point, Regina had magicked in a lovely rocking chair as a present, telling Emma how Henry had loved being rocked to sleep. Though Emma had muddy, fake memories of Henry's infancy, she appreciated Regina's explanation and pulled her into a tight hug.

"Thank you," she whispered in her friend's ear, not sure if she meant more for the gift or the way she raised their son.

The party dissolved into idle chatter and snacking after that. Granny had catered a lot of food, and no one was willing to let it go to waste. Especially Emma, who was helping herself to her third plate of an assortment of mini grilled cheeses, cookies, and vegetables. Adding vegetables made things healthier, right? As Emma was trying to decide if she could get away with eating another cupcake, she overheard Regina telling a story of Henry’s first attempt at changing baby Robyn’s diaper -- a memory that never failed to make Henry turn bright red -- Emma realized that she hadn’t seen Zelena since they finished with gifts. She glanced around the room, and sure enough, Zelena was missing.

Another wave of guilt crested over Emma, and leaving her cupcake forgotten, she decided to seek out the Wicked Witch. Emma knew how it felt to see others get what she never had. And since she was more or less the root cause of Zelena’s shortened pregnancy, she felt an obligation to apologize to the other woman, or at the very least attempt to make her feel comfortable.

Emma found Zelena on the back deck, leaning against the wooden railing with a glass of amber liquid in her hand.

“Hey,” Emma greeted. She felt somewhat awkward approaching Zelena. They weren’t exactly friends, but they weren’t just acquaintances either. Emma walked to stand next to her, and tapped her hands against the wood. “Is is bad how much I miss drinking booze? I have no idea what that says about me.”

“It says you are exceptionally terrible at small talk,” Zelena replied with a bitter laugh. “Shouldn’t you be inside celebrating? All of those people are here for you, you know.”

“I think they can deal without me for a few minutes,” Emma said. She took a deep breath before continuing, “Listen, Zelena, I want to apologize for everything I did while I was the Dark One, and how it affected you and Robyn.” 

“Feeling guilty, are we?” Zelena asked. She took a long sip of her drink. “It’s no matter. It’s not like you lot would have done anything for me or her then. I would have been locked in the prison until delivery.”

While that was probably true and honestly deserved at the time, Emma thought this was neither the time nor place to bring it up. Instead, she went with the other truth, “It doesn’t make what I did right.” 

“No, it really doesn’t.” Zelena looked down at her drink, and swirled the remaining liquid. “It’s a little bit strange, isn’t it, how many terrible things we’ve all done to one another. We both know each other’s sins. Regina cursed this entire town. Your husband nearly killed Belle, and her husband’s fucked over us all more than once. And here we all are together, celebrating a new baby.”

“I think that’s called being a family.” That sounded like something her mother would say, and it felt right in a weird sort of way. They weren’t a traditional family by any sort of definition, but Emma had grown to love how her family wasn’t exactly cookie-cutter.

“God, what a mess we are.”

“Yeah, but it’s our mess.”

“It makes you wonder what we brought our children into,” Zelena muttered before finishing her drink. She laughed before saying, “Apologies. I was warned not to make things too dark today.”

“You’re not wrong, though. And sometimes the truth is pretty dark and twisty,” Emma mused, thinking back to her fears when she first discovered the pregnancy. They hadn’t abated completely, and she doubted they ever would. “But I take comfort in the fact that I’m bringing her into a family that would raise hell to keep her safe.”

“Literally, in some cases.” 

“We’d do the same for Robyn, you know. She’s one of us,” Emma replied, to which Zelena gave he smile. “Honestly, I’m grateful for Robyn.”

“Everyone should be grateful for her. She’s a gift. But why say that now?”

Emma gestured to her stomach. “Her.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Emma replied, not sure how to articulate her feelings on the subject. “I never really had a family growing up, and I was even worse at making friends. I had Lily, I guess, and it was great, but even that fell apart. And, I dunno, I’m not saying that they have to be friends, I mean I want them to be, but I like that there will be another girl there who understands this mess of a family. God, I’m not saying this right--”

Zelena cut her off. “I’m glad Robyn has a family too, as strange as it is. And, you know, another girl to hang around. I’m already sure those boys will be handfuls.”

“And our girls won’t?” 

“True. I’ll honestly be a little disappointed if she doesn’t turn out a tiny bit wicked.”

“I was a thief and Killian’s a pirate. I think being a hellraiser is in this kid’s blood,” Emma said as she placed her hand lovingly on her stomach. A part of her was already dreading the teenage years.

“I pity the fool who tries to stand in either of our girls’ ways,” Zelena commented, completely oblivious to her reference. Emma had to bite down a laugh. Now was not the time to point out a missed pop culture reference, especially now that things between her and Zelena were slightly on the mend.

“Speaking of standing in people’s way, the last I checked, there were a ton of cupcakes left over. What do you say we go back to the party, and get them before they’re gone?”

“That is a terrible segue,” Zelena said. Despite her comment, she shrugged, and headed to the door. “I need more whiskey anyway.”

When they reentered the house, true to form, Zelena made a beeline for the kitchen and her mother’s stock of alcohol. Regina cast Emma a concerned look, stopping her before she could forge her own path to the dessert table. “Did she say anything to you? I told her--”

“Relax, it’s fine,” Emma assured her friend. “In fact, I think we bonded.”

“You bonded with my sister?” Regina couldn’t keep the skepticism out of her voice.

“Hey, I’ve always heard babies have a weird way of bringing people together. This is another example of that,” Emma replied with a smile. Turning her attention away from Regina, she said, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m growing a baby, and need a cupcake.”

And get a cupcake, Emma did. As Emma surveyed the party, from the food Granny provided, to her mother talking animatedly to Ashley and Aurora, to Regina watching the room like a hawk, to even Zelena with her whiskey now laughing with Belle, she felt thankful for the family her daughter was being born into, and the community she was inheriting. And as cheesy as it sounded, that truly was the best gift possible.

[thefoolsloop]

Distill'd by magic sleights: SNM Shanghai, show no. 5

**(Spoilers for Nurse loop again - and, again, not for 1:1s. Brief spoilers for Taxi and Lady Macduff, but nothing of substance. Details have been obscured or altered, as usual. A very long post here, I’m so sorry.)**

It’s over two weeks since my final Shanghai SNM. For some reason I’ve been reluctant to write this recap of my last show, as if perhaps putting the words onto paper (or screen) would erase the memories from my mind. With any luck, the opposite will be the case; because the last show not only produced some of the most magical moments of my time with Punchdrunk, but also delivered an emotional punch to the gut which caught me utterly by surprise. More on that, later.

My reluctance has also been spurred by the realisation that this will be yet another Miranda-heavy write-up. It’s only on reviewing my recaps (and those of other people) that I realise just how much I monopolised her on my visit, and how shamefully I overlooked Ben, Jude, Daniel and others, with whom I would like to have spent more time (including several of the Chinese cast). Another five visits would perhaps have sufficed for me to get as much appreciation for the show as, say, @whenwillweawake, whose summary I commend to you (it’s more objective and less self-focused than mine).

But I didn’t have five more shows. And, in any case, Miranda was the main reason I came all this way. She rewarded my loyalty handsomely, but I can’t help feeling a little guilty. Not that I begrudge a second I spent with her; nor should anyone consider a second watching this supremely talented artist wasted. If you would prefer to watch her than read about her, I sympathise, but that’s all I have to offer.

It’s Sunday. The weather is hot, but not as roasting and steamy as Shanghai sometimes gets (so I’m informed). My regret at seeing the McKinnon for the last time is immediately exacerbated when, on entry, I get a Deuce. My first Deuce ever. Even in New York I was able to swap it out, but here the rest of my party have Aces and they are all people whose last show it is too, so I don’t really have a case. A bad omen?

Another bad omen - I’ve forgotten to check my phone into the cloakroom; obviously my mind is somewhere else. I have to endure the indignity of carrying my phone around in a little velvet bag strung over my shoulder. Throughout the show my bag slips, and I have to keep hiking it up over my back to get it out of the way. Seriously, folks - check your phone in. It’ll be quite safe and you’ll be spared a lot of annoyance.

My mask is tighter than previous nights and, despite its extra cord, I can’t get it to loosen enough to suit my stupidly big head. My perpetual problem. I briefly wonder if this is how the cast always pick me out - “ah, big head, must be @thefoolsloop.”

My Deuce, worthless in comparison to an Ace, sits in my pocket. My velvet bag is already irritating. My mask pushes my glasses into my eyes, uncomfortably. Is this going to be my first bad show here? Thankfully the magic of Punchdrunk is awaiting me. So - spoiler - no, it’s going to be magnificent.

Since Sam was Duncan last night I figure (correctly) that he’s going to be Taxi tonight. Upon exiting the lift, I search for him, then realise he must be in the new scene which I eulogised about in a previous write-up. Sure enough, I catch him there - he is barely recognisable, but he’s participating with more gusto than I’ve seen Sam display before, and his pairing with Olly again awakens TDM memories. But suddenly he disappears (I later learn how), and I’m left in front of an excellent scene which I enjoy very much, but don’t want to watch just now.

I hurry to his shop - yes, there he is. He’s removing a sock from his head (it’s not a sock, but if I tell you what it is it’ll destroy the impact of the scene). We’re alone in the room, and I wonder if he recognises me. He fiddles with a few items, then extends his hand. This is my first 1:1 with Sam since he thrust an orange into my face, but my hopes for something as violently compelling are dashed. Instead, Sam’s 1:1 is whimsical, lugubrious - at times he pauses with such melancholy that I almost corpse. This Taxi is not the ambiguous agent of evil found in the McKittrick, but a weary man accepting that he is controlled by fate and inevitability. When I’m confronted with a choice, I find the McKittrick’s rather delightful option has been replaced by a strictly Chinese alternative which isn’t nearly as palatable. Oh, well.

Sam concludes the 1:1 by guiding me out into the rep bar through a passage I don’t recognise, and this is where things start to go wrong. The rave is gearing up: the thumping has started. I literally cannot stay in this room. As I emerge, I bolt for the door. Sam, the spirit of Stanford alive in him still, seizes me by the shoulders and forces me into the room, further away from the door (it’s a great spot to watch proceedings - if only I could). Just as I was complicit in Frankie’s initiation in Temple Studios, so I am to be complicit in the witches’ sabbath in the McKinnon.

Except I can’t. I wonder how Sam will deal with a seizure? Maybe he’ll make notes, so as to incorporate it into his Duncan loop? But I can’t indulge him - my only thought is, I have to get out of here NOW. Sam will pick up that something is wrong, surely?

Starting to panic, I bang on the hand gripping my shoulder. I shake my head furiously. I’m about to break both character and the rules by shouting at him, “Sam, I can’t stay here!” when he twigs. He releases me, and I shoot for the door, just in time before Macbeth arrives and the strobes start.

(I don’t know how Punchdrunk can accommodate people with photosensitive epilepsy without spoiling the experience for everyone else; it’s something I want to discuss with them.)

Recovering from my near-miss, I brush myself down in the corridor and take some deep breaths. I’d like to continue with Taxi’s loop, but Sam isn’t in the shop. At this point, I remember I need to be somewhere else.

Flashback to the previous evening. As I recounted in my last recap, I spent a wonderful few hours with the cast post-show, in which I discussed all kinds of things with all kinds of people. Miranda and I enjoyed a lengthy chat covering performance, politics, film, injuries, vegetarianism, the Chinese concept of personal space, and I don’t remember what else. In the course of talking to her I mentioned something that had always bothered me about 1:1s - performers, unknowingly, have always spoken their script into my deaf ear. As a result I’m lucky if I catch the text, let alone remember it.

I also remarked that I believed I now had a full house of interactions with her characters - all the Sexy Witch and Nurse 1:1s, dances, bed-making, kisses, whatever. She grinned, blew cigarette smoke out sideways, and said, “no, you’ve missed one.” Disbelieving, I asked her for details; all she revealed was that as the Nurse she’d been waiting to give me another 1:1, only to see me run off and follow another character. I put two and two together and realised the moment she must have meant.

The trouble is I’m now at the point where I know I can catch Miranda’s Nurse alone, if I hurry upstairs; and I can’t remember how long it is until the moment in question. Sorry, Sam, but there’s only one thing I can do now. I head for the fifth floor.

Sure enough, right when I expect, she emerges from a side room. Once again, just as she did on a previous night, she fixes me with the sarcastic stare and hands me the folded sheets she’s carrying. I follow her to the hospital ward, anticipating that the missed 1:1 will come presently.

(I found this image online, when googling ‘stage blood’ - it seems to unite many of the themes in the Nurse’s loop.)

**(SPOILERS FOR NURSE’S LOOP - NOT 1:1s, BUT CERTAIN INTERACTIONS)**

It doesn’t. I’ve misremembered the sequence of events in the loop. The result is that I go through almost an entire loop with her, just as I did on Thursday - making beds, opening bags, hanging up gowns. Only this time two things are different. First, I don’t mess anything up. Second, the tone of the interactions has changed. Now I’m no longer her unpaid slave (hold on, all slaves are unpaid, no?). Now we’re collaborators, co-conspirators. I have more of her trust than I had before. In the first 1:1, where before I was meekly committing my service, I now do so with confidence; in the second, I feel less like a subject and more like a... I want to say lover because of the nature of the 1:1, but that's not quite it... sadly, I can’t really explain without gross spoilers.

In the open, too, we’re more like partners in crime. I carry out instructions before she gives them to me. She directs me more with her eyes now, less with her hands. I feel that we are walking together, rather than me following her. This time - is it my imagination? - there’s a conspiratorial smile just lingering behind that severe look. At one point we’re in the hospital, where on Thursday she dipped her finger in a spread of blood and tasted it. This time, she takes my hand and dips my finger in the blood; then she does the same with her own. We look into each other’s eyes and, in perfect time with one another, taste it.

I’ve followed her for almost a full loop now, and nothing new has happened (in terms of scenes); I’ve got the timing completely wrong. However we finally find ourselves at the very moving scene I described in my second recap and, this time, I don’t get distracted. I wait for her, she appears - again, there’s that tiniest hint of a smile, as if to say, “shall we, then?” I take her hand and she leads me off.

Of what follows, I cannot give the merest hint. It is comfortably the most complete Punchdrunk experience of my life. By turns scary, intriguing and beautiful it wraps me in darkness, brings me out into the light of a new world, turns the theatrical into the cinematic, dazzles me with its virtuosity and the sheer imagination and execution it displays. Even if I wanted to describe it, words would be inadequate. I almost can’t believe it happened, as if it was a snatch of a half-remembered dream. What it took TDM three hours to achieve on a cool October night in 2013, this 1:1 achieves in minutes. To have seen it is a privilege; to have had Miranda share it with me is doubly so.

At the end, when she’s returning my mask, she leans over to whisper a parting shot. She breathes in - then pauses. I wonder what’s gone wrong. She moves her head to the other side of my head, then delivers the text into my good ear. She remembered.

How many performers would have recalled that tiny piece of information, relayed almost in passing the night before? How many performers would have cared enough to make a change to their usual delivery? How many performers would have remembered which ear it was?

When I first saw Miranda as Romola, all those years ago, sitting in the Seamstress’s office with the makeup smeared on her face, I thought: I don’t know what it is yet, but there is something very special about this artist. If you wonder why I devote so many words to her, well, this should exemplify it.

**(SPOILERS END)**

She bundles me out, and doesn’t reappear. I have one more moment with her to tick off - the walk-out - but still a bit of time to kill before the time comes for that. So I hurry down to the ballroom to catch what I know will be my last ever ballroom party scene.

It’s getting started as I arrive, and I position myself in the McKinnon’s equivalent of the mezzanine, right in the centre, the best view of all the action. The guests assemble, chat, pair off, dance, interact. And something comes over me. Perhaps it’s just the lingering effect of the 1:1, but suddenly I feel an emotional surge, much stronger than I felt the previous night. This scene is so beautiful, I love it so much. Every time I see it, I grow in admiration and love for it. What started out two years ago in New York as a useful point to decide who to follow, has turned into one of my touchstones of the entire production.

The emotion heaves, a wave coming straight from my heart. Standing in the midst of a crowd of strangers, watching this wonderful, magical scene, I can bear it no longer. The dam breaks. Tears form in my eyes, as they did the night before, but now the emotion punches through my defences. I start to sob, my body shakes. I’m in love with this scene. I’m in love with this whole show. What was an entertaining and marvellous experience in New York, has been transformed in Shanghai into a moving, overwhelming, glorious world of feeling. The McKittrick delighted my mind; the McKinnon has captured my heart.

I’m not a crier. Things rarely push me over the edge. I can count on the fingers of two hands things which make me cry in private, and on the fingers of one things which have made me cry in public. What is it that has happened here, in this dark basement, with jaunty trad jazz music playing, that is so compelling, so touching, that it bypassed my everyday reticence and evoked a response that would mortify me elsewhere? I don’t know. All I know is, this is what Punchdrunk try to do. They've done it to me now.

I have to look away from the scene, as the tears have blurred my vision. That seems to break the spell. I gradually recover my composure. What shall I do with the rest of my limited time here? I recall that Lady Macduff was one of my favourite moments in the McKinnon. Perhaps it would be a good idea to see if I can recapture some of the feeling I developed for her. In New York I had a touching 1:1 with Annie Rigney. I wonder if Ingrid can pull off the character with the same vulnerability and innocence displayed by Annie.

I follow her to her chamber, one of my favourite scenes in the McKittrick, where her battle with her addiction is played out against the nightmarish, repetitive soundtrack of her music box, a light, trite tune (’Wedding of the Painted Doll’) turned sinister, the tiny walls of her suite hemming her in. But here, in the McKinnon, the space is more open and her torment seems somehow dissipated. Also, the soundtrack has changed - still a music box, but a different tune, less threatening somehow. This is one of the areas where the new show has fallen short of its predecessor.

It’s not Ingrid’s fault; she puts the same passion, desperation and guilelessness into her performance that Annie had (and my glimpses of Xu Huiting on other nights suggest she is also superb in the role). I find myself accidentally (honest!) standing in the right spot for the 1:1, and when it comes Ingrid is tender and eloquent, just as Annie was.

I don’t like ‘Goodnight Children Everywhere’, even though the scene it accompanies is genuinely moving, so I pass through the cemetery where Fred is awakening, spend a little time watching Daniel make a boat, then drift until it’s time to pick up Miranda again. I follow her and Tang Tingting as they once again, like evil twins, pass in lockstep through the rooms and corridors until they find themselves in the master bedroom, where it’s their job to set everything up for the next round of this perpetual tragedy.

Except something is wrong. There’s a man lying on the bed. He’s got a white mask on. The Nurse-Matron duo pause for a split second to absorb this, and give him time to move. He doesn’t. He may actually be asleep. They seem to shrug with their eyes, and carry on making the bed as if he wasn’t there. They tuck him in nicely, as he twigs what’s going on and collapses into giggles. I can’t see if he’s Chinese or Western, or if he’s one of the cast conducting a prank. I never do find out who he is.

Business concluded, Miranda turns and offers me her hand. We walk down together, our complicity renewed. When I trip on the stairs she reaches out to catch me, but we’re so synchronised now that a slight gesture is enough to assure her that I’m OK. She and Tang, again in perfect step with each other, lead me and another white mask out to the Manderley. Unsmiling, she unmasks and kisses me. I respond with nothing but a wink. Not breaking character, she stares at me for a beat, then walks off. I have not seen her since.

This has been my longest recap, and I must thank anyone who’s made it this far for indulging me. The McKinnon got such a grip on my emotions that I cannot simply recount a few observations about the show and pass an objective critical comment or two. Like a clumsy teenage poet, I must splurge.

Just as TDM did - though to a lesser degree, inevitably - SNM Shanghai worked its way under my skin, and woke emotions long dormant. And, just as at Temple Studios, at the centre of this awakening was a performer of breathtaking commitment and raw talent. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Thank you, Miranda. Thank you, Punchdrunk.

[floralseokjin]

—who cares | 08 (m)

pairing— kim taehyung x oc / kim seokjin x oc genre/warnings— smut, angst, adultery, mature themes, demeaning names, language, slightly obsessive and jealous behaviour words— 7,967

:: summary— what happens when Taehyung falls for someone who’s already taken? Can he control his feelings or will they take over and render him powerless? In the end is it all her fault or his…?

note— inspired by Dean’s album 130: trbl

» 01 :: 02 :: 03 :: 04 ::05 :: 06 :: 07 :: 08 :: 09 :: 10 :: 11 ✓

His point of view

“We’re sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialled. Please check the number and dial again”

Taehyung screamed in rage, throwing his phone across the room, and it hit the cabinet that held his television, screen cracking before it hit the floor, face down. This was the fifth time he'd tried in a row to call her. Sumi hadn't returned his texts from three days ago, which was fine he guessed, but in all honesty, he was the one that was supposed to be angry.

He was the one who had caught her being all loved up with her boyfriend — Seokjin — even thinking his name was like acid on his brain. Did she not have any empathy for Taehyung? Did she not think about him at all? Was he that insignificant to her? Replaceable? Someone she could just discard to the side, throw out to the trash?

It wasn't fair. He was here, on his own, his days spent thinking of her, imagining her voice, her touch — driving himself crazy, and she was unbothered. Spending quality time with her boyfriend. Going to dates in fancy restaurants, holding hands across to the table and god knows what when they got home. It wasn't fair he spent his time longing for her, while she barely thought of him.

She wasn't allowed to be angry with him. She didn't know what heartbreak was. He had purposely not made any contact with her whatsoever for a whole week, in some bid to see how she would react. If he was being truthful, he thought she'd be running into his arms after the wait. They'd never gone this long without speaking and the last bit of hope he was hanging onto had been dashed three days ago, when she hadn't replied to his texts.

It was all he had left, that one shard of hope he had, already fragile, that she loved him as much as he loved her, and now it had disappeared. She had ignored him and then blocked his number. She was done with him. She didn't even have the guts to tell him it was over.

She had chosen her boyfriend over him. She loved him, wanted him — more than Taehyung, and the thought made him sick. She was everything he had, the only good thing in his life and she didn't want him anymore. He was so sure she had loved him, but maybe he was living in an imaginary world. She had chucked him away. She was disregarding his love. He was nothing to her.

There was only one thing he could think of doing. He had to go round there. He had to see her, even if that meant Seokjin would find out. She couldn't get away with it. She couldn't play them both along. It wasn't fair on either of them. However, deep down he just wanted a chance to convince her otherwise. He wanted to convince her he was the one for her. He loved her, still… despite everything that had happened. He still wanted her, and he would try his damnedest to get her.

Her point of view

“Why the hell did you block my number?!”

Her breath caught for a moment, watching his chest visibly heave with anger, as she stepped back, stunned, letting him barge his way in, slamming the door behind him.

She was stupid — so very stupid. Did she just think she could ignore him and block his number, praying he'd go away silently? It wasn't that simple. He was too involved.

“Taehyung — TAEHYUNG!” She exclaimed, watching him begin to storm down the hallway, pushing open the door leading into bathroom, a man on a mission, searching for something…or someone. She had an inkling who.

“Where is he, huh?” He asked, his voice rushed and pitched as he failed to keep a lid on his emotions, barging into the bedroom she shared with Jin. The room she had fucked Taehyung in, and the thought still made her sick.

“He's not here, Taehyung,” she said, going in after him, watching him stare at the empty bed, blankets strewn across it after he had woken her from her slumber.

He turned wildly, an anguished groan leaving him as he darted back out, past Sumi and further through the hallway, making his way into the kitchen/ living area, with her hot on his heels, finding him staring around the room as if he expected Jin to be sitting on the sofa, amidst all the madness. He groaned again, the sound tearing in his throat as he dropped his head in his hands, running them over his face and through his hair, tugging at the scalp.

“I said he's not here!” She snapped, feeling a mix of anger and worry at his actions. He wanted to tell Jin? He wanted to expose their seedy affair and ruin her life?

“What the hell do you think you're doing? You want to expose us? You want to tell Seokjin about us?”

At the mention of his name, she watched Taehyung physically wince, clenching his eyes shut as he hit the palm of his hand against his head, repeating the action, as if he was trying to erase something out.

“Taehyung…” she began, hesitantly. “You're scaring me.” She made her way over to him, a mixture of fear and worry washing over her as she fought with herself.

She wanted to make it all go away. To not hurt him anymore — or herself for that matter. She didn't like seeing him like this, but he needed to learn when to handle himself better. Had she sent him into a tailspin? Made him like this? Or was he always this unhinged, hiding it underneath the surface?

He looked up at her then, his eyes dark and anguished, as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Somewhere, guilt began to eat away at her. She had done this, and no matter how much she was feeling just as horrendous, she was coping with it better, because she had something he didn't.

The love of another. She wasn't alone like he was. Granted, Jin wasn't around while he was on business, but he was there anyway —a shared bed, a shared house, a quick call on the phone. He was everywhere, even when he wasn't. She wasn't alone. But, Taehyung was.

He had no one besides her. He'd built the last nearly six months of his life around her, hoping for the chance she'd just up and leave her old life for a new and exciting one with him. That thought had once been exhilarating and tempting, but now it was just that — a thought. It wasn't real, it wasn't going to happen. It was make believe — a dream. Taehyung’s dream, not hers.

“What's wrong?” She asked him gently, closing the gap between them and reaching for his hands, slowly sliding them to his waist, feeling his limbs move stiffly, but he didn't fight her on it and once they hit his side, she let go.

“You know what's wrong,” he finally let out, his voice light years from what it had been just moments prior, quiet and small. “You blocked my number. You're throwing me away.”

She let the sigh of pity and weariness leave her. She was tired of this affair. It brought no good, and she felt the overwhelming consequences of her actions take hold of her. She had done this to him. No matter how much he was flawed already, she had made it worse.

“I'm not throwing you away, Tae. I'm letting you go.”

Her excuse must have seemed weak to him because his face contorted, a sneer leaving his mouth as he inched closer to her, and she moved back on instinct. Him being to close was a danger. She knew she wanted this affair over, but her body still craved him. Her body still remembered all the ways he could make her feel, all the ways he could pleasure her until she was a quivering wreck. This is why she knew seeing him in person was a bad idea.

“You're fucking throwing me away,” he shouted suddenly, and she jumped, burst out of her bubble of thought. “Letting me go is just something you tell yourself at night so you can sleep better. Tell me, Sumi — How does it feel knowing you've ruined my life?”

Something switched. It was her turn to sneer now, enraged that he could pin this all on her. Had he not ruined hers too?! It worked both ways. It was a never-ending loop. They were bad for each other.

“Don't give me that shit,” she bit out, desperate to keep her voice down in fear of her neighbours hearing. It had to be nearing 12pm by now. “Have you not ruined mine, too? I tried to warn you away so many times before, Taehyung! Don't pin this all on me! You did this to yourself,” she practically scolded him like a child.

It was true though. He had done it to himself, just like she had done it to herself, as well. If she had ended it in beginning — fuck, if she had stopped herself from sleeping with him the first night, it could have been over before it has even started.

Instead of the shouting she expected to leave him again in retaliation, his face crumbled. He brought his hand up to wipe away the fringe from his eyes, and she saw they were dewy, shining in the moonlight. He was going to cry. Somewhere, deep down she should have fought it, because she knew this was an act of some sort. Even if the tears were real, he knew by letting them fall he was winning her over. He was master manipulator when it came to wanting his own way, and she couldn't deny him, especially when he started speaking.

“I just want you to love me like you used to,” he pleaded, his hands coming out to hold her waist, his body moving closer, his forehead pressed against hers, as he looked down, his eyes closed and the tears caught in his dark eyelashes.

To her surprise, his grip wasn't harsh, but gentle, cupping the sides of her skin over her night shirt, the heat from his palms instantly sending warmth around her body, and she found herself leaning into his touch having realised she had missed it. It has been so long…but she needed to fight it. She needed to be strong… for both of them.

“Tae, listen to me,” she urged, trying to shake herself out of his grip, but he wasn't having any of it, so she twisted her arms upwards, freeing them from between their bodies, her hands cupping his cheeks as she forced him to look at her, repeating his name a couple of times to make him, until his dark eyes darted around her face, unwilling to settle on her own, but that was okay — it would have to make do.

“I love you,” he mumbled, before she could speak again, his gaze landing on hers and she took the opportunity to interrupt him.

“Please,” she begged, trying her best to stay strong, gripping his face tighter. “Taehyung, this isn't love, okay? You think it is — hell, I thought it was too, but it's not… This is unhealthy — It's wrong,” Her voice broke as she carried on, desperation filling her.

If she could make him understand it wasn't love, it would all be okay. She could carry on with her life, let the universe give her another chance that she probably didn't deserve, and not only that, but Taehyung could finally be happy too. This situation wasn't happy. He deserved someone who could show him what love really was — just like Seokjin had with her. Seokjin was her love. He was her life, and one day Taehyung would find that.

Taehyung made a noise that sounded half way in between a yell and a cry, his head bending backwards with the wretched sound, your grip on his face sliding to his neck and you saw the first tears slide down his face.

“You're wrong!” He exclaimed, his eyes now frantic, desperate to make you see. “He's got inside your head — Can't you see that?! You don't love him… he's not the one…” he broke off, emotion too much for him to carry on.

Inside she wanted to laugh, or scream maybe. How could Jin ever get inside her head? If she was being truthful, it was Taehyung more than anything. Every time she tried to free herself, he was there, whispering sweet nothings against her ear and making her believe they were meant to be. Maybe she was weak, maybe she was bitch. She didn't know anymore, it was hard to tell.

One thing she did know though, were that his tears were having some kind of effect on her. They fell silently as she watched him, her hands still clinging onto his neck, and they broke her heart. Even if they were part of his manipulation, that she thought she had sussed out, she was inclined to believe them… and she had made them fall after all.

She bit down on her lip as she slid her fingers across his neck and up his face, wiping them away, trying to fight her one tears as he dipped his head, his fringe falling forward as he let her, welcoming the touch of her dainty fingers.

Without warning he wound his arms around her waist, holding her tightly to him as he buried his face into her neck, making her hands fall, sniffing loudly as he inhaled her skin and she went to push him back, open her mouth to argue, but she had no energy left, so instead she let him hug her, her arms falling limply to her sides as she felt his tears dry on her skin, giving him this last moment with her.  

After a couple of minutes, he spoke again, humming against her skin, “let's run away together, just me and you — we could go to the next city. There's more chance of me getting a break there. C’mon, please,” he beseeched, speaking hushed and fast. “I could look after you, live with you, be with you always.”

“Tae, we’re not in highschool right now, this is real life.” She reasoned, not wanting to feed his delusions, but not having the energy to fight him on it. His madness was hurting her heart, and she wanted to tell him that his dreams were just that — not real. That moment in that dirty motel room where they had concocted some fairy-tale with each other, with children and pets — wasn't real, and it never would be. Her life was here. In this apartment — with Jin.

He didn't answer her, but she felt his lips press against the column of her neck, barely there at first, and she felt her knees buckle a little, goosebumps spreading across her collarbone even though he was hardly touching her.

“Tae,” she warned, wanting him to pull away on his own accord, because with every passing second, she was losing her grip on reality. The word no was suddenly sounding incorrect, one syllable that wouldn't leave her mouth.

He hummed, a little throatier this time, his hands sliding back to her sides as he held her tighter, his mouth now pecking against the salty skin, still damp from his tears and he pushed a little making her back up against the kitchen island’s counter, and she frowned, unsure of how she got there in the first place.

“Tae,” she tried again, quietly begging the word that wouldn't come, but she found her hands gripping him back, holding onto his hoody as he brought the tip of his tongue out to streak up towards her ear.

“Shh,” he whispered, sending shivers of pleasure up her spine, before he took her lobe into his mouth, sucking gently back and fore and a musical sigh left her, her resolve dropping.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. How could he just snap his fingers and she could just comply.

She was supposed to be ending this, but like a fool, her body reacted to his touch. It craved it almost — it had been so long, and she felt his mouth kiss across her cheekbone, sliding its way to her mouth. He thought he'd won, and maybe he had, because suddenly his lips were pecking against hers, swallowing her pleas of his name that were still there, wanting him to stop but not being able to fight it.

His hands came to her face as he deepened the kiss, one wrapping itself into her hair and the other against her cheek, his mouth open as he exhaled a little loudly, just watching her, their noses mashed together they were so close. This was the perfect time to tell him to stop — to go home, but somehow, she found herself parting her lips too, and then his tongue was pushing inside her mouth and they were kissing hard, her fingers digging into his skin over the fabric, her moans now prominent, even if her brain was screaming NO at her, and somewhere she could also hear her feeble whispers, calling his name, wanting him to stop for her. It was still happening, even as their tongues clashed together, his fingers splayed across her face as he pushed his body against hers, arching her back uncomfortably against the counter and one of her hands came out in reflex, aimlessly swatting behind her for a moment before she caught something and it clattered to the floor.

Jin’s new blender.

It was stupid, laughable really, but the sound of it hitting the floor brought her back to her senses, if only for a moment, and she averted her head, feeling Taehyung’s mouth slide to the side of her lips, his tongue still working eagerly against the skin and anywhere he could reach, his hands moving from her head and greedily roaming her body, squeezing at the flesh of her breasts and curve of her waist, his breath heavy and the sounds of his slick tongue loud in the room.

She craned her head to look at the ground, her hands coming out to press against the hardness of Taehyung’s chest to warn him to stop for a moment, seeing the blended had smashed on the ground and she groaned. Jin had only bought that a few days ago, it had come in the mail and he hadn't even had a chance to use it before he had to leave for his trip. Now it was smashed and her head began to spin. How was she supposed to tell him? And then her head span some more when she remembered it didn't matter. She was here, actively cheating on him and she was worried about telling him she broke his new blender? She was a lost cause and she felt bile in her throat, itching its way up her oesophagus until it settled on the back of her tongue.

“Taehyung, stop,” she whispered, not trusting her voice to be any louder in fear of breaking down. “Taehyung, fucking stop for a minute,” she hissed, tilting her head to try and face him, but he carried on kissing her, his mouth now back on her neck, and instead of pushing him away, she felt her fingers grip his hoody tighter, her body giving in to the feeling.

“We fucking broke the blender,” she tried again, but it came out like a groan as he sucked on her throat, and as she threw back her head she was surprised to find it landed against the counter, her back now pressed against it, she had got so into the kiss, and she winced, feeling conflicting emotions wash through her; pleasure and sickness, and she went again, her last go. “Taehyung, stop…”

This time he pulled away, a groan of frustration leaving him as he stood back up, having been bent over her body and he pulled her with him.

“You want me to stop?” He questioned, and she noticed his eyes were blown out, dark and bloodshot from his tears, which were long gone now. She nodded quickly, although she didn't know if she believed herself. She already missed the feel of his lips on hers and the touch of his skin.

She watched him smirk at her muteness, before his hands were caressing her face again, his index finger running down the side of her cheekbone, and then he was leaning in closely, his breath against hers as her mouth instantly parted, so utterly desperate for him it was pathetic.

“Then why aren't you pushing me away, hitting me — yelling at me to stop?” He pressed, smugness in his voice.

He had a point. Maybe it was because she didn't want to? It seemed about right, no matter how much her brain screamed no, her body wanted a yes, and then he was sliding his finger down past her chin, taking his hand and wrapping it around her throat, not pressing down, just making her look at him and she swallowed against his palm, watching him inhale pleasurably at the sensation, his eyes closed.

“Just tell me no, and I’ll leave and never come back,” he stated, expressionless, his eyes fluttering open again.

Was this a test? It sure felt like one. Did he even mean what he said? She didn't believe him. If she said no, he'd probably be begging on his knees straight away, she could see it in the way his bottom lip shook with might, trying to reign in his emotions. He was being brave, and she could say no. Right there and then, but the thought made her feel slightly sick. Almost as sick as being with him. It was a lose situation.

The air was still as he watched her, she could practically see his mid ticking as he counted down a make-believe timer, and just as she counted to ten seconds in her mind, Taehyung took a deep breath, his eyes closing again, then opening, followed by a smirk, one that made her squirm a little under his touch. She had done it now — there was no going back.

“You want me —” he ground out, making her yelp a little when he left her throat to grip the hair at the nape of her neck. “— to stay,” and with that he spun her around, pressing her stomach flat against the counter, his hand leaving her hair to run down her back and under her waist, pulling her ass up in the air.

“You want me to — ah — fuck you, right here in your kitchen,” he growled out, and his voice went straight between her legs, sending a heat that burned there as he lifted up her night shirt, revealing her panties, running his hand along her ass cheek before smacking it slightly, the sting making her hiss through her clenched teeth.

His hand moved down, under the curve of her ass and she moaned out when she felt him run a finger under the side of her underwear, feeling her skin bare, sliding it against her slit.

“Already so wet and I haven't even touched you yet,” he mused, his finger leaving her again to position both hands on her hips, pressing his crotch up against her so she could feel everything — how hard he was and how much he wanted her. It made the ache inside of her grow colossal.

“Does Seokjin,” he taunted his name, bending down to speak it against her ear, “know how big of a slut his perfect, little girlfriend is?”

Sumi felt a wash of humiliation hit her like a ton of bricks. That was new. He'd never used such a strong and opposing word. It wasn't like she hadn't thought of it herself. Slut. That's what they call women like her, right? Whether it be right or wrong, socially acceptable or not — it was true in a way, and the vilest thing was, his words just turned her on even more. The syllable flew through her veins like a volt and sparked something that had her moaning shamelessly when she felt him tug at the waistband of her underwear, tugging them down between her knees, before he brought his foot up and pushed them down to the floor, around her ankles.

She was practically vibrating when she heard him unbuckle his jeans and they dropped to the floor, a puff of air traveling up and hitting her core, making her shiver a little, but then she was gasping as he gripped her around the waist, lining up the head of his cock at her entrance, not bothering to spread her arousal over him and he just pushed in — all the way, a low growl, followed by a grunt when made he bottomed out, the feel of her tight heat squeezing against him too much to bear.

The stretch was painful for her too. Of course, she was wet and had been for quite some time now, embarrassingly, but that didn't mean she probably could have done with some foreplay. She bit down on her lip, feeling Taehyung’s hands grip her hips instead, pulling back a bit to spread his legs and begin to thrust. His movements were wooden at first, jerking his cock inside of her as he tried to get used to the sensation again — it had been way over two weeks since they'd last had sex.

After the first few thrusts, she began to warm up and by the time he picked up his pace, she was moaning and groaning in pleasure, her walls griping him with every push deep inside of her, her breath squeezed as her body was pushed flat against the cold surface, one of his hands coming out to sprawl along the small of her back, forcing her down.

“Seriously, what would, argh — Jin say if he found out you let me fuck you on his kitchen counter?” He mocked, his voice breaking as he went, exerted from the way he was thrusting into her.

“I mean — I've already fucked you in his bed,” he pondered, his tone belittling. “He wouldn't mind, would he?”

She shut her eyes slowly, turning her head to hold her cheek flat against the cold surface, hoping and praying that it might surge some sense into her. Her mind and body conflicted as she felt disgusted by his words — by her actions, but she couldn't help but feel the wetness between her legs increase, her body trembling with arousal as she felt Taehyung quickly pound into her, panting as he went, one hand digging his fingers into her ass as he spread her cheeks apart, making him gain further access.

Maybe she had a chemical misplace inside her brain, knowing Taehyung’s words should change things between the two of them. Talking about Jin as if he knew him was sickening, but all she could feel was him. Sex. That's what it was. She was addicted to the sex. The feelings it spread through her veins and in her nerve endings. He was all she wanted when he was inside of her, and she couldn't think straight, even though she could taste the bile still in her throat. It was the taste she associated with Taehyung. A horrible, tangy, bitter taste that tainted everything about him. A sickness. A mistake. A hate.

However, it was also an addiction. An obsession. And once upon a time a love she thought she had for him. This wasn't love. She couldn't remember the last time they had made anything close to love in a while. He used to hold her, kiss her, murmur his love against her ear. Now, it was always like some competition with him. Who could fuck her the best. Sinful words falling about of his mouth, twisted with anger and hurt. He was playing a game. He was trying to make her forget about Jin. She knew this wasn't love. Even if he thought it was. He didn't know anything about love, but then again… maybe neither did she…

He ploughed into her with a rage, his hands burning holes in her skin as he gritted his teeth and grunted like an animal, probably trying to fuck away his vexation. Her breath forcibly left her as her chest pressed back and fore against the surface, groans leaving her periodically as you tried to control her respire.

She knew Taehyung wasn't planning on making her come. His need to please her was the last thing on his mind. He was pissed at her, and he was using her right now as a human sex toy. He was chasing his high, but he was fucking into her so fast that it didn't matter anyway. He was reaching so deep inside of her; the incessant force was becoming too much and her legs were weakening under his weight.

She was going to come, she could feel the build-up flowing through her core, filling her lower half with a warmth and an itch for relief as she contracted around his length.

“You're really going to cum from just my dick?” He asked, amazed, his ego flaring. “SEE?” He shouted out, increasing his pace, lowering his body over hers, and she felt the fabric of his hoody brush against the thin cloth of her night shirt. “No one is meant for you more than me. I bet Jin couldn't make you cum like this, could he?”

Her heart stung with the mention is his name again, swallowing the lump in her throat as the burst of stars clouded her vision as she came, crying out in pleasure, while her heart broke, Taehyung’s pace never slowing down as he chased his own end, and as her own pleasure flowed and then ebbed away from each nerve ending, she felt the sickness make its way back.

Her hands gripped the edges of the counter, her knuckles white as she willed it all to be over. She was repulsed by herself, even more so when she heard him groan behind her, his thrusting sloppy as he pulled back a little, shooting half of his come inside of her, before he pulled out entirely, painting her folds and then shooting the rest of the white ropes down her ass — claiming her in the kitchen she shared with her boyfriend.

She stayed in the same position for a while, wallowing in herself disgust, even when Taehyung moved from behind her and pulled his jeans up, redressing himself. She was frozen in time, free falling maybe, it didn't feel like she was in her own body anymore. Post orgasm regret was a bitch at the best of times, but she had never quite felt something like this before.

Maybe it was because she was so sure that this would never happen again. She was so sure she had made up her mind. She didn't love Taehyung. She loved Seokjin. She didn't want to see Taehyung again, but here she was, naked from the waist down, his come congealed on her flesh and her eyes open in a vacant stare. She had done it again, and she wondered if it would ever be truly over.

It was his voice that woke her from her maddening thoughts, soft and gentle, light years from what it had been when he was barking crude remarks at her.

“Baby, what are you still doing down there?” His voice chipper with some sort of amusement, as if she was purposely trying to be funny, and her jaw clenched, feeling him wind his arms around her middle and pull her up gently.

She turned around on her own accord, pressing her back to the counter as she felt her shirt fall back down her ass, the fabric sticking to his arousal, but she ignored it — she already felt dirty anyway, what more did she need to add to the list? She watched Taehyung move down to her ankles, trying to pry her panties back up her legs but she moved, kicking them off all together instead, folding her arms across her chest, not wanting him to touch her, but she couldn't decide who she was more annoyed at — him or herself? She wanted to scream.

“Yeah, your right,” he hummed, standing back up. “A shower would probably do us better,” and the way he smiled warmly down at her made her stare at him like he was crazy.

Was he actually being serious right now? He wanted to shower with her? Did he want to fuck her in there too? He seemed to like showing his dominance when it came to her home.

“Are you listening to yourself right now?” She practically shouted, finally losing the grip on her sanity, her arms flailing about wildly, and Taehyung’s smile slowly disappeared, his brows furrowing as his forehead creased. “You're talking about showering together after that little stunt?”

“What is this about? I'm sorry if I hurt you or anything, but I can make it up to you. I can show you how much you mean to me.” He said, the profoundness in his voice sending shivers down her spine.

He truly believed every word that was coming out of his mouth. He had no clue how aberrant his behaviour was. Using Seokjin’s name in vain, dropping it so casually as if he knew him, and then using it to get under her skin, before claiming he loved her. It was disgusting and it made her skin crawl.

She watched him come closer to her, worry etched on his face knowing she wasn't replying, his hand outstretched as if to comfort her.

“Don't.” She warned, pushing him away. “Don't fucking touch me right now.”

“Sumi…?” He questioned, moving closer again, looking confused, and she turned to her side, facing her back to him. She wanted him to go.

“Don't.” She replied, cutting whatever drivel he was about to spout. “Don't come at me batting your eyelashes and giving me that puppy dog look right now, Taehyung. I don't even know what to say. I can't even look at your face right now.” She burst, turning around and pointing her finger in his face. She was shouting now, not giving a damn if anyone heard. She was going to tell him how it was. She had never felt so outraged before in all her life.

His eyes widened at her words, making him appear young. He was young. She was stupid to ever think he was ever mature for his age. Three years didn't seem like much of a difference, but it was light years when the person in question acted like a spoilt brat. At that moment in time she hated him. She felt the loathing seep inside of her, clouding and poisoning her blood. It clawed at her heart, the hate strong, but she knew that was only because she saw herself reflected back in his brown eyes. They were the same person, with the same morals — or lack of, for that matter, and it just maddened her even more.

“What do you mean?” He asked slowly, blinking back his confusion.

“I mean,” she grit her teeth, trying to find the last ounce of patience she had left. Was he really this clueless, and she closed her eyes, gaining strength, “go.”

“What?” He deadpanned, taking a step backward, her words shocking him.

“GO!” She exploded, finally losing it. She didn’t want to see his face, hear his voice, not even be in the same square metre as him. “Fucking go! Get out of my house!”

“Sumi,” he tried again, but she cut him off, “get out.”

Why couldn’t he get the message? Did she have to spell it out for him? Even more than she was already? She had already tried countless times to explain, and he still didn’t get the message. Didn’t he realise that any affection she had for him was purely physical? It wasn’t based on love. It was nothing, and she wanted him gone. She had been stupid to think it was anything other than love. Love didn’t make her feel like this.

“I'm not going anyway, you're upset. You need me,” he replied, standing his ground no matter how much she threw at him, and he placed his hand on her arm.

“I don't need you, Taehyung.” She exclaimed, twisting out of his grip that burnt like fire. “I don't want you.” She emphasized. She only wanted him to go. To leave her alone.

“Quit getting inside my head.” She snapped. “What more do I have to say? I don't love you. I. don’t. love. you.” She spelt it out for him slowly, pausing after every word, and making sure the next that followed was filled with a viciousness.

There was a silence that filled the air as they stared at each other, her chest heaving with exertion, her eyes glassy from the anger and emotion that swarmed her brain and he, just standing there his arms falling loosely to his sides. Unlike the other times she had tried to tell him she didn’t love him, this time it was filled with a hate; a shout, a yell — a frustration.

She had no choice but to believe he realised now, she was telling the truth. She could tell by the way he stayed silent, his eyes wide. She was surprised to see there were no tears, however, maybe that was too egotistical to think. Instead, his eyes flashed with a seething anger, watching her darkly, taking in every ounce of her face and just as she was about to utter an apology — or just something to ease her conscience, he turned his back and began to storm out, his boots stamping along the shards of glass from the blender and treading it down the hallway. It was just five seconds later when she heard her front door slam closed, vibrating the whole apartment, if possible.

She was alone now, and only then did she let herself break down, sliding her back down the island and curling into a ball, hunching against the cupboard, crying in frustration as she looked at the mess on the floor, glass everywhere, and she kicked a stool leg from beside her, watching it crash on the ground, right on top of the shards, spreading them further. It was a mess — everything was a mess.

She didn’t know how long she stayed there and cried, it could have been the rest of the night for all she knew, but as she did, she wondered how she had gotten herself into this turmoil. She thought back to how she had met Taehyung, in the bar, how he had been like a beacon to her that night and she couldn’t stay away, curiosity getting the better of her, his brazen interest in her something she liked and instantly craved. It was a drug. The more attention he gave her, the more she felt important and that’s where she knew she had gone wrong.

She knew now, that she should have just ignored him, let him leave that night without asking questions, not taken his name — not taking his phone number. It was her need for the attention she craved that had brought her here, almost turning into self-conceit as the months went on. She had turned Taehyung into a monster. She was already one. She hated him for not staying away. She hated him for getting inside her head. She hated him… but she hated herself more. There was no one else to blame. It was all on her.

His point of view

He wasn’t sure how he found himself outside the place where he had first met Sumi. The bar the night he’d first noticed her dancing and laughing with her friends. The night he’d fallen head over heels in love with a stranger. A stranger, who six months down the line would ruin his life.

He wasn’t sure how he got there. It was the same, when he thought about how he had found himself outside the liqueur store buying a bottle of whiskey that he thought might drown the pain in his chest. Somehow, he’d drank the small bottle (although small didn’t mean weak at all) and found himself walking the streets lost in thought. He found himself at the bar, and he laughed bitterly, knowing somehow subconsciously his mind had told him to come here. It’s as if it liked to torture him.

She didn’t love him anymore. Although, had she ever? He was beginning to wonder if he even loved her? Maybe she was right. He had never been in love before her, but deep down he knew this wasn’t the dream he had mapped out. It wasn’t the same love he had seen in films, books and even scripts he had read for parts.

He didn’t have much experience when it came to women anyway. There’d been a handful of women in his short adult years; ones that never made it passed the dating stage, but most usually just one night stands. A fleeting moment in time, that he would rather block out of his memory and ignore. He wasn’t good at letting people in. Not only with relationships, but with friendships too.

Of course, in his school and college years he’d had many friends, both male and female, and on the outside, it may have looked enough, but if Taehyung was being honest; it wasn’t real. They bored him and they never had a lot in common. It was all a false bravado to make him feel better about himself. To look the part. The extras in his life, if you will. They didn’t mean anything to him, not really. He could drop them and make new ones easily.

But then Sumi came into his life. The only light in his life and the only source of real happiness he knew — or so he thought. Now he wasn’t so sure. He had fallen hard for her, her beauty and aura too much to bear at times. He had fallen in love with everything she was, and that meant everything she brought — even if it meant she was already taken by someone else.

At first, he had believed she was as in love with him as he was her, but over time he felt her leaving him, distancing herself from him. Maybe it was his own fault, maybe he acted in a way that made her uncomfortable, he didn’t know anymore. He knew turning up at her house was a little crazy that first time, but he couldn’t help it, and it wasn’t like she was complaining when he fucked her on her boyfriend’s bed. However, then it seemed like she believed him to have an ulterior motive. She didn’t trust anything he did after that, even accusing him of stalking her at that restaurant.

Taehyung thought, if she really did love him… she wouldn’t be slandering him that way. Didn’t she believe a word he said to her? Did she not believe that he loved her with everything he had? Taehyung scoffed, of course she didn’t. She told him every chance she got that what he felt wasn’t love.

He saw now that she didn’t love him anyway. He had heard it in the way her words had twisted out of mouth and fallen off her tongue. She didn’t love him. She never had. If she did, she wouldn’t be treating him this way. She would have been with him wholeheartedly from the beginning. She would have left that man she claimed to think so highly of in the very beginning. It wasn’t love she felt — it was lust. She craved the attention, and like an idiot, Taehyung gave it to her.

He didn’t know how he found himself at the counter, ordering his usual. He hadn’t been here in weeks — there was no need to, not when he had Sumi, but he guessed he didn’t have her anymore… So, he’d fill his time up with drinking. That seemed like a good idea, even though he was already half cut from that bottle of whiskey he had discarded on the sidewalk not too long ago.

He was deep in thought once again, already thinking about his next drink, even though he was sure he couldn’t see properly anymore, when he heard the voice.

“Oh — hellooo, stranger,” it teased, and he turned, leaning on his elbow to face a woman, older than him by a few years, but oddly familiar. He didn’t know whether it was because he was incredibly drunk, or if he didn’t really care that much, until it finally it came to him.

Yeongba.

Sumi’s friend, or so he thought, but turned out she was just someone she worked with, someone who grated on her nerves a bit too much, but someone she had to stand. Maybe him and Sumi were more alike than she wanted to admit…

“It is you!” She celebrated in glee, clapping her hands together, and he was taken back by her excitement. How long had it been since someone had been this happy to see him? He paused, swallowing the dregs of his beverage and smiled his dazzling smile, pushing down all the hurt and bitterness he was feeling into the depths of his heart, saving it for later, when it would matter again.

“Yeongba,” he greeted, nodding his head. “How have you been, babe?”

She looked positively delighted that he had remembered her name after all this time, which was no thanks on his part — he had heard Sumi whine about her whatever chance she got, her name was embedded in his head, and it wasn’t like he was her biggest fan either.

He remembered how she had practically hung off every word he had said that night, a desperation that Taehyung found unappealing, which was ironic now, seeing as he was doing the exact same with Sumi…but he guessed love made you do crazy things… or lust, whatever…

It turned out Yeongba was still as desperate as ever anyway, touching his arm flirtishly, sending amorous smiles his way and playfully twirling her hair in between her fingers as she spoke to him, her voice high pitched and girly — grating really, but somewhere along the way his thoughts began to twist and turn in his head. He wondered if she had fucked anyone since that time he had first met her? By the way she was acting he guessed not. Poor love.

She wanted him, she wasn’t making it hard to guess. She had no clue he had been involved in an affair with her co-worker for the last half a year nearly. Somewhere, Taehyung thought, in her sad, pathetic mind she believed he wanted her too. He didn’t. Why would he? But it was fun to think about. She wanted him, and Sumi didn’t.

Sumi didn’t know what it was like be thrown away in the trash — not yet anyway. She didn’t know what heartbreak was. Maybe he was deluded to think she would care what he did, but he was too far gone to listen to the last bit of rationality he had left. So, instead, as he danced with Yeongba, hands around her waist, that felt nothing like Sumi’s, he leant in and whispered, his breath hot against her ear.

“It’s getting late, maybe we should go back to mine?”