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carewyncromwell · 3 years

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“It's not what I asked for -- Sometimes life just slips in through a back door And carves out a person And makes you believe it's all true... And now I've got you. You're not what I asked for -- If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back For a chance to start over And rewrite an ending or two, For the girl that I knew...”

~“She Used to Be Mine (cover)” by Chase Holfelder

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Backgrounds source (x) // Created by Jam City for Hogwarts Mystery (Y6Ch26) // Edited in Lunapic and Microsoft Paint

TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts

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In the early evening Duncan had drifted through the walls down into the Slytherin commonroom to pass Carewyn a message -- Jacob had returned to Hogwarts, and should she wish to see him, he would meet her at the Black Lake, if she only sent up red sparks after dark. Bill, Charlie, and Ben, who’d come to join Carewyn and Merula at the Slytherin table so they could talk, all looked at their ginger-haired friend with some concern. Ben immediately offered to go with Carewyn, thinking to offer moral support, but Bill gently dissuaded them.

“Jacob asked to see Carey,” he said quietly.

“And he can,” Ben said stubbornly. “I just don’t want Carewyn going outside school alone again.”

“I get where you’re coming from, Ben,” Charlie said bracingly. “But...well, this is between Carey and Jacob, as siblings. We shouldn’t get in the middle of that.”

Bill nodded. “Jacob’s more than entitled to see his sister in private without us getting in the way.”

Merula crossed her arms. “Don’t know if I’d say he’s ‘entitled.’ Cromwell’s brother is...well, not that awful, I admit...but he was supposed to be protecting Cromwell and me from R and the Wizard in White, not flying the coop.”

“Right,” said Ben. “Frankly I’d say he’s entitled to nothing, at this stage -- disappearing with no forwarding address and then strolling on back in here after everything’s gone to pot -- ”

Duncan actually made a violent gesture in Ben’s direction, but halted before his transparent hand could pass through the tall Gryffindor. The ghost clenched his fist, angrily shutting his eyes as he tried to rein in his temper.

“He was trying to deal with the Wizard in White,” he said at last. “R used their stooge as a lure, to lead him away from Hogwarts...and from you. I’m not going to act like Jacob can’t be really bloody stupid, but...”

Duncan turned to Carewyn, swallowing back a lump in his throat.

“...You...mean more to him than anyone else...anything else, in this world. Everything he’s ever done...it’s all been with you in mind.”

Something oddly melancholy glided over Duncan’s face. It made Carewyn look away, to hide the tumultuous feelings welling up in her chest.

She did miss Jacob -- she did want to see him. And yet...what would it really accomplish? Jacob probably didn’t know anything new about the Cursed Vaults or R -- they didn’t yet either. And talking about Rowan...the thought of opening up to Jacob again about the anguish she felt, and still felt...

Trust was something Carewyn Cromwell no longer knew how to do. It had been so hard even just opening up enough to Duncan, Ben, Merula, Charlie, and Bill to admit she needed help. To show her current face to her brother...before, it had been so easy to open up to Jacob, to share everything she was with him, but...

She wasn’t who she was then. That little girl had died the day Jacob disappeared, all those years ago. And Jacob...well, was he even who she remembered, either? Before, she would’ve never thought he’d abandon her when she needed him most. Now...now it felt like that was all he ever did.

Duncan watched Carewyn for a moment, his eyes growing more somber.

“Carewyn,” he murmured, “I know your brother’s not exactly the best at talking about feelings. And I know...you probably don’t want him to see you when you’re not at your best yourself. ...But whether you want him to see you hurting or not, that’s how you are -- partly because of the mistakes you and your friends made, maybe, but largely because of the mistakes he made. No matter how much Jacob might wish it wasn’t so, that’s how it is. You’re hurting, and that’s a fact -- one he should have to face. He’s more than man enough to face it.”

Carewyn bowed her head. The movement brought her eyes into the shadow of her ginger bangs, obscuring them from view. Then, with a soft exhale, she raised her head, smoothing her messy hair from her face.

“...I’ll go. I’ll be okay,” she reassured Ben, seeing his concerned expression. “I...think we need to talk. Jacob and me.”

Once darkness had completely enveloped the Hogwarts grounds, Carewyn used the excuse of Prefect duties to stay out past curfew and used the Invisibility Cloak she’d gotten by elicit means through Knockturn Alley to sneak out of the school itself. After all, Dumbledore had already warned her about leaving the school previously, and as much as Carewyn had long since lost most of her respect for the Headmaster, she knew it would only hinder the new Circle of Khanna’s activities if she actively antagonized him.

Once she’d reached the Lakeshore, Carewyn took a deep breath and then held her wand aloft. The gesture was like a heavy rock coming down on her chest -- the last time she’d held her wand arm up like this was when Dumbledore spoke in remembrance of Rowan...

“...Vermillious.”

The spell came out quietly, but the red sparks from her wand soared high. Once the sparks had started to fade away, Carewyn very slowly lowered her arm, staring up at the starry sky.

The following two minutes dragged. At long last, after what felt like an eternity, Carewyn heard the sound of someone running toward her, out of the Forest and through the brush toward her.

It was Jacob. His scarlet dress robes were a bit disheveled and his face was as pale and skull-like as ever as he came to a stop about a foot away from her. He lightly gasped for air.

“...Pip.”

Carewyn inhaled and exhaled quietly. “...Hello, Jacob.”

Jacob’s hollowed-out eyes trailed over his sister’s face. They took in the bags under her eyes, her lack of make-up, her undone collar...her ginger hair messily falling onto her shoulders. He seemed to have trouble speaking -- like his throat was being clenched in some invisible fist.

“...Pip...” he murmured, “I...I heard...”

He swallowed back a lump in his throat.

“Rakepick -- did she hurt -- ?”

“Me?” Carewyn finished very lowly. “No.”

Jacob’s shoulders didn’t relax. “And...your friend...the girl she...”

Carewyn looked away, unable to respond. Jacob looked like a close friend had abruptly stabbed him in the chest.

“Pip...I’m -- I’m so -- ” he had to swallow again. “...This is all my fault. I should’ve...no...I never should’ve let R lure me away from you -- I should’ve known they’d hurt you, to try to keep me in line, just like before...”

He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, trapped between pain and righteous anger. Once he’d gotten a grip on his emotions, he reached out a hand and lightly took hold of her shoulder.

“I swear to you, Pip,” he said fiercely, “I’ll make R pay for what they’ve done to you -- to me, to Ashe and Rowan...I swear, I’ll -- ”

"How?”

Jacob gave something like a flinch at the word. It had been so quiet, and yet...so grim. So dark and sleek -- like some black gemstone.

He stared at Carewyn, his hollowed-out eyes searching her pale face and trying in vain to meet her eyes. He tried to put on a brave smile.

“...Don’t worry, Pip,” he said. "I’m working on a way to the last Vault now. I promise R won’t get there first. And once I keep them from their prize...well, I’ll make sure they never hurt you or come near our family again. I promise you.”

“So you intend to leave again.”

Jacob’s smile flickered and died. Carewyn still wasn’t looking at him, but her dark, quiet voice had hardened noticeably.

“You intend to run off on your own again and leave me here on the sidelines, unable to do a thing,” said Carewyn.

Jacob looked visibly wounded.

“...Pip, I can’t saddle you with the burden of fixing my mistakes. I can’t let you get involved with this -- ”

“Well, Jacob, you’re a bit too late for that!” Carewyn burst out.

She immediately seemed to withdraw in response to her increased volume. Her hands came up to clutch at her arms, her fingers clutching at the sleeves of her black sweater.

Jacob’s face was very tense. His hand on her shoulder was trembling slightly as he gave it a light squeeze.

“Carewyn...I know you want to help. But I...I can’t lose you. If anything happened to you, I’d...”

His blue eyes pulsed with something more fragile, almost shaking.

“...Please, Pip, just trust me,” he whispered. “I will fix this. I promise.”

Carewyn’s eyes flew up to Jacob’s face, boring into his identical eyes. Then, very slowly, her eyes narrowed, hardening like some cold, ice-blue diamond as she backed up, detaching herself from his grip.

“Trust,” she whispered. “You mean like you trusted me, Jacob? Or Mum? The way you hid everything about the Cursed Vaults from us -- everything about Olivia, and Duncan, and Rakepick -- about how R was blackmailing you and forcing you to do their dirty work in Knockturn Alley -- ”

Jacob flinched. “I was only trying to -- ”

“Protect us?” finished Carewyn. She didn’t even need her Legilimency to guess what he’d intended to say. “And what about you, Jacob? Who was protecting you? And after you got trapped in a Portrait, who was protecting me then? Who was protecting me from all those people who would put me down for being the younger sister of ‘that delinquent Jacob Cromwell?’ Who was protecting me when Merula got Rowan and me stuck in Devil’s Snare? Who was protecting me when a bunch of dementors arrived at school? Who was protecting me when I had to fend off an Acromantula and a Hungarian Horntail singlehanded? Who was protecting me when Rakepick stabbed my friends and me in the back? Hell...even after you got out of that Portrait, who was protecting me? It wasn’t you, Jacob -- it was ME! I had to protect myself, and my friends, because no one else could!

Jacob reached out a hand toward her again as if to try to comfort her, but it was shaking.

“Pip...”

Carewyn moved out of his reach.

“No. I trusted you, Jacob -- I trusted you to always be there for me, to always support me no matter what, and you -- you never trusted me enough to tell me the truth. You never trusted me to let me help you, let Mum help you. And worse, you -- you disappeared, Jacob.”

“I didn’t mean to -- ”

“YES YOU DID!”

Carewyn’s hands were squeezing her sleeves in a vice grip as her eyes flooded with tears.

“The first time, yes, that was a mistake -- that was something you hadn’t seen coming, maybe, but in the Portrait Vault, I begged you not to leave -- I pleaded with you to come home with me, to Mum -- and you looked me in the eye, knowing how desperate I was for you not to go, and you left anyway! And then you went absolutely silent -- didn’t send a single letter or make a single visit, not once, for months on end!”

Her volume was rising now. It was like she’d yanked down a dam and now all of the pain and feelings she’d been keeping bottled up for so long were rushing out in a flood.

“After seven years, Jacob -- seven years of not knowing where you were, of putting my life on hold to go after the Vaults, just to find you -- after you disappeared without a trace and without a word -- broke Mum’s heart -- made it so I could never trust anyone again -- ”

The tears were streaming freely now as she shut her eyes tight, hunching in on herself.

“ -- YOU ABANDONED ME! Leaving me to pick up the pieces alone, just like before -- making me feel more scared than ever, knowing that this Cabal you were so afraid of still planned on cashing in on one of my friend’s lives! Leaving me to wonder if I’d saved you, only for you to go out and get yourself killed! And then, when you did come back, all you could tell me was stand back and stay back -- pushing me away like I’m some little girl in need of saving, when I’m the one who saved you!”

Carewyn could feel her face flushing with emotion, but she couldn’t force herself to care. Tears streamed down her face, becoming lodged in her throat and making her choke.

“I’m not that fragile little pipsqueak you used to hoist up on your shoulders and protect from schoolyard bullies anymore! I’m in this thing whether we like it or not, and I’m...I’m SICK of you acting like you’re in any place to ask me to trust you to handle things! You can’t earn my trust, Jacob! You let me down and hurt me, yet you’re acting like I’m this little angel that’ll trust you regardless? WELL, I’M NOT, JACOB! AND I CAN’T! All because you...you...”

Her words had become more and more strained as she went along, but it finally became too much. Sobs overtook her completely, making her bend in on herself and clutch at her arms. Her breath came out in painful gasps, as if the inside of her lungs were host to hundreds of long, open gashes that leaked every clump of air she managed to gulp down -- just as her heart felt like it was bleeding freely, thanks to all of the raw emotion she’d let out after so long.

What made her tears slow, however, was the sound of someone else gasping and choking for air too.

Carewyn blinked through her tears and just barely made out the shape of her messy-haired older brother.

Jacob had also crumpled in on himself. His hands were fists in his hair, pulling hard at the dark, curly strands as he tried in vain to hold in his own sobs. He was, in fact, crying even harder than she’d been -- multiple streams of tears streaked down his tightly shut eyes and his face was red with oxygen deprivation as he struggled to breathe.

“Because I failed you,” Jacob finished as a choked whisper. “Because I -- ”

His shoulders quaked as his words broke apart into sobs.

Carewyn watched him in silence, her tears still streaking down her cheeks. It took Jacob several minutes before he could catch enough breath to speak again.

“You...weren’t ever fragile, Pip. I know -- you’re not that little girl anymore...I know that, I just -- ”

He choked.

“I just -- I needed that little girl, Carewyn. When I came out of the Vault...that was who I needed. And when I first saw you...I was so stupid, Pip...I thought you were still her. Thought you’d stayed just as you were, that you’d...”

Tears streamed even harder down his face.

“Ashe said...that I needed to be there for you -- that I might be the only person in the whole world who might know what you need, after having lost your best friend. But I -- I don’t know, Pippa. Because the only reason why I didn’t end it all, after failing Olivia, getting expelled -- losing Ashe...the only thing that kept me from losing myself completely in that Portrait, the only thing that kept me sane...”

He tried hard to open his eyes and look at her, but his tears blinded him too much to see her clearly.

“...Was remembering my little sister. My small, kind, brave little sister, who’d help the old biddy who owned the ice cream parlor down the road with her errands, just because she sensed she was lonely. The little girl who’d feel guilty about insulting the bully who ripped her dress and gave her a black eye. The little girl who’d walk down the street all by herself, singing as loudly as she could, not caring what anyone else thought of her...all because she was just so excited that her big brother was coming home...”

Jacob’s tears welled up further, coming down in burbling streams down his face.

“I don’t know what to give you, Pippa -- because the only reason I’m still here is that you needed me. You were the only light that gave me any focus, when I couldn’t see a thing -- and even though I know you’re not that little girl anymore, and that things can’t be the way they were, I can’t -- ...I don’t know what I’d do, if I lost you. I don’t know how I’d go on -- how I’d keep my head and not just...stop everything. End all of it. Stop making mistakes, and screwing up, and putting the people I love through Hell over and over...”

His hands yanked his hair so hard it looked painful.

“But...no matter what I do...I can’t fix anything! All I ever do is make things worse! All I ever do...is cause trouble for everyone else -- just like Dad said...”

Carewyn’s tears stilled in her eyes. She almost never heard Jacob call their father just “Dad” -- usually it was his “old man,” in a very resentful voice. Jacob clutched at his own face, trying in vain to suppress the fresh flood of tears.

“And now...now I’m just like him,” he choked, the words making him shrink and shudder as if they were some rapid-acting poison coursing through his veins, “abandoning you and Mum -- breaking your hearts, hurting you -- ”

His nails cut into his own skin as they clawed at his tear-soaked face.

“I knew I’d hate myself for leaving you, but if I stayed -- R tried to target you once, Pippa, when you were young -- I couldn’t justify returning home, knowing the mark R’s branded me with could help them find me. I...couldn’t face Mum, face you...knowing how much I’d screwed up, how much danger I’d put you in -- how much danger I’d already put Olivia and Ashe in -- how everything that happened to them, that’s happened to you and your friends, was my fault. First I lost Olivia to the Vaults -- then I lost Hoo to one of R’s threats -- ”

Carewyn remembered the owl Lane had saved money up for to buy Jacob for Christmas one year. Jacob had sent a letter saying his owl had died in an an accident during his sixth year -- Carewyn had never thought to ask about the nature of the accident at the time...

“ -- then I lost Ashe, all because he was probably trying to pacify R so they’d leave me alone...if I lost Mum -- lost you too -- I’d have nothing -- be nothing, nothing at all -- nothing worth anything...”

Jacob’s shoulders hunched over further, making him look like he subconsciously wanted to disappear.

“...You were never fragile, Carewyn. You were always brave -- even when you were the smallest tyke there, even when you didn’t know how to use a wand. However emotional you were, and however much you’d cry back then, you were never afraid, and you never gave up. But...I know that that little girl I knew...she’s not mine anymore. She’s not my Pippa. She’s someone I barely know, now...who’s found a whole family of friends, all on her own, who inspires them with her song the way she used to inspire me...who doesn’t need me, the way I need her. But...Merlin, Carewyn -- ”

He struggled to breathe as he shut his eyes tight.

“ -- I just want you to live...free and happy, just like before. No matter what happens to me -- my life doesn’t matter, if it can’t ensure yours stays safe. Even if you’re not what I was expecting, when I came out of the Portrait Vault...even if I can’t go back, and rewrite a better life for that little girl I knew...I love you too much to lose you. Because being your brother...it’s the part of me I’m most scared to lose.”

There was a silence. Carewyn stood back, watching Jacob clutch at his face and cry for a long moment. Her silence wasn’t callous, however -- her mind was just at work.

Jacob was afraid. Jacob was scared to death of losing her and their mother, the way he’d lost Duncan and Olivia. He had been so afraid of being that “screw-up” he thought he was -- that others had taught him to see himself as -- that he’d stubbornly decided to fix his mistakes on his own...a decision all the more bolstered by his fear of losing anyone else he loved to the hands of R. And so Jacob had done exactly what Carewyn herself had eight years later -- shut everyone else out and tried to do everything alone. And just like Jacob, she’d failed, and made everything worse instead.

The memory of Duncan bent down in front of her, trying and failing to hold in his own tears as he tried in vain to hold her hand, returned to her mind.

“Maybe you don’t think you deserve to be loved, but you are loved, all the same -- by choices made by the people around you."

If it hadn’t been for her, Jacob might have drowned in despair. If it wasn’t for Duncan, Carewyn probably wouldn’t have come up for air either. Love, in the end, had saved them both, and given them enough hope to keep fighting. The only difference was that Jacob didn’t reach out to her and Lane, the way she did with Ben, Merula, Charlie and Bill afterwards. Instead Jacob stayed afraid -- stayed silent -- stayed paralyzed in the claws of that fear, rather than breaking free...and in the process, only met more pain and suffering.

Carewyn remembered her mother once saying that “love heals.” It was a phrase that hadn’t been much solace, in the wake of Rowan’s death, when Carewyn felt like she was drowning slowly in thick, black, tar-like grief. But for as painful as love could feel, when it was lost, or even when it let you down...there was still so much strength in it. So much warmth and life. As painful as Jacob’s departure had been, as Rowan’s death had been...her love for her friends, in how they all rallied around her when she needed them most, still gave Carewyn more courage and hope than she’d ever thought possible.

Carewyn’s eyes ran over Jacob’s shaking shoulders and up into his hands clawing at his own face. Her eyes were no longer full of tears, but were sadder and softer than ever as she slowly, quietly approached her brother and very tentatively brought a hand up onto his shoulder.

Jacob flinched in response to her touch. His head shot up as he stared at her, tears still streaming from his eyes. Carewyn met his gaze head-on, steadied her hand on the back of his shoulder to hold onto him, and then brought her other arm around his chest so as to envelop him in a full embrace.

“We have a lot to be scared about, Jacob,” she said lowly, “but you will always be my brother. That part of you -- that’s something no one could ever take away.”

She closed her eyes.

“I don’t care what Dad, or anyone else, told you. You don’t just cause trouble. You make people face whatever trouble comes their way -- because you’re worth it.”

Jacob stiffened in Carewyn’s hold, his breath stilling. Then, choking back more tears, he threw his arms around her, cradling her against his chest and holding the back of her head as if she was a child.

“Pip..”

Carewyn ran a hand along her brother’s back in an attempt to comfort him. Jacob trailed a hand through her ginger hair, his tears dripping down onto her cheek.

“Pip, I’m so sorry,” he mumbled. “About Rowan...I wish...”

“I know,” Carewyn murmured, half to soothe him and half to quell the painful grief clawing at her heart at the sound of her best friend’s name. “...I wish you’d have been able to meet her...I wish I’d met Duncan too, before...”

Jacob nodded, his tearful eyes closing as he exhaled heavily. “I know -- me too. ...I’m glad you did meet him, though. Even if it is like this...”

Carewyn offered a weak smile over Jacob’s shoulder. “He’s really a good person -- once he stops acting like a prat.”

Jacob bit back a choked laugh. “Yeah...I figure that’s just a mask he puts on, for whatever reason. My theory is that Slytherins are like cats and just don’t speak in a way most people understand...”

“Do I fit that theory?” Carewyn asked teasingly.

Jacob laughed a bit more despite himself. “Ha...not sure yet.”

Carewyn eased herself back away from Jacob. His cheeks were still wet with tears and his eyes were red -- most notably, though, his face looked slightly hesitant.

“What’s wrong?” asked Carewyn.

Jacob bit his lip. “Sorry, Pip, it’s just...”

He exhaled heavily.

“...I’ve just lost so much time. Seven years that felt like an eternity and yet nothing at all, and I look at you, and...even if there’s so much the same, even though I can sense your feelings and I know it’s you...it’s like...someone’s painted on your canvas, since I saw you last. Like you’ve gone through a whole cocooning process and you’ve become a completely different animal than you were. While I’m...well...exactly the same.”

Carewyn offered Jacob an empathetic smile.

“When I saw you last, though...there was a whole lot of stuff about you I didn’t know either,” she pointed out gently. “Like how much you were willing to put on the line, just to try to keep Mum and me safe.”

“Fat load of good it did.”

“You trying still matters. And really...I haven’t told Mum anything about the Vaults either, for the same reason. However misguided we’ve been, trying to do things alone...well, our intentions were good, weren’t they? And now we can pull together, to try to make amends.”

Jacob smiled. “That’s true.”

His eyes drifted up toward the midnight sky, as was often the case when he was thinking hard. At last, he spoke again.

“...How did you and Rowan meet?”

Carewyn blinked in faint surprise.

“I’ve missed a lot of your life, Pip,” said Jacob with a small, but more determined smile, “but I want to know all of it...however much you’re willing to share with me.”

Carewyn’s eyes drifted away. She was quiet for a long moment -- then, finally, she took a deep breath and spoke in as steady of a voice as she could.

“...It was right before my first year. Mum and I went to Diagon Alley for my school supplies, and I ran on ahead to Flourish and Blotts...”

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #my art #my writing #carewyn cromwell #jacob cromwell #rowan khanna #redacted #bill weasley #charlie weasley #merula snyde #ben copper #duncan ashe #GAH I'M SO GLAD I FINALLY WROTE THIS #I've wanted to write this since before we got year6ch26 and we first heard spoilers that we'd be meeting jacob at the lake post-redacted #because quite frankly this SHOULD'VE BEEN a turning point #this should've been a feelsy moment #but in the game jacob's regret fell flat for me because mc pretty quickly rushes to clear him of all blame for rowan's death #which yeah it's not jacob's fault but jacob DID still hurt mc pretty badly #he should never have just abandoned them in the vault or kept them out of the loop when it came to the vaults and R #but then again jam city also neglected to show much emotional fall-out for mc when they were abandoned so *roll eyes*#carewyn does start wearing make-up again not long after this happens but she keeps her hair down for the rest of her time at hogwarts #admittedly much more neatly just like her uniform becomes neater again as well #also jacob runs out to carewyn rather than apparate to her because YOU -- CANNOT -- APPARATE -- ON -- HOGWARTS -- GROUNDS #damn it jam city #caps cw

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