#still thinking about when this episode came out in 2016. when we were still in college

[maxwellatoms]

Would you trust ANY Korean studio for hand-drawn animation today? I ask because, when The Powerpuff Girls came back in 2016, I noticed how slow and stiff the Korean animation was. Since then, most Burbank cartoons animated in Korea, namely Cartoon Network shows, have been like that — mostly on 2s & with less inbetweening. Look at any Digital eMation episode of Victor and Valentino or Samurai Jack Season 5; do they animate as loosely and smoothly as Digital eMation episodes of Billy & Mandy do?

Sure I would. It would all depend on the studio and the circumstances. There are good studios and bad studios, and either of those will treat your show differently based on their perception of how valuable it is to their client. In the early 2000s Rough Draft was a top-notch studio. One of the reasons I switched over to eMation from Rough Draft was that I felt like Rough Draft was putting all of its resources into making Samurai Jack look beautiful, and we were still calling retakes on three year old issues. I knew we weren't a priority to Rough Draft, and I knew that stemmed from Cartoon Network's negotiations with them, so my griping was only going to get us so far. It seemed to me that I needed a studio that was smaller and scrappier like we were. We were putting in a lot of work on our end to make cool stuff and it wasn't ending up on the screen, so we needed people who were just as hungry on the back-end, and eMation stepped up.

There's also the fact, though, that animation itself has changed a lot in the last fifteen years. Powerpuff Girls and Samurai Jack's animation always seemed to have an air of "motion comics" to it. And frankly, that's part of what I love about it. It was all a throwback to the old UPA cartoons, which were built on strong, clear poses and made for the cost equivalent of a turkey dinner. Likewise, CN storyboard artists usually had around four weeks to write and draw their boards on paper, so there just wasn't time to take the effort to do anything too complex. It was all about snapping between those 300-ish storyboard drawings and momentarily savoring them for their humor and design mastery. Now we have tons of digital tools that make the basics of animation a lot more accessible to everyone, and have changed the entire studio pipeline. Things just won't look like they used to because nobody makes them that way anymore.

When I've had to choose an overseas animation studio, the network's production arm usually gives me one or three choices and tells me that's all there is. Deals have already been made. (Sometimes they make you pick two to save on costs, which (IMO) usually results in two studios that are less functional than any one of them would have been.) The studios usually have reels, so that gives you a basic idea of what they can do. You can (hopefully) find some other show creators who have worked with the studios and get an honest review. It's an important enough decision that it's worth whatever research you can put into it. Even over good bones, an ill-fitting skin can ruin the mood.

The most important thing to remember, I think, is that it's your job and your crew's job to make animating the show as easy as possible. Really, it's everyone's job to make the next person in line's job as simple as they can. Ideally, there shouldn't be a lot of questions because the materials you sent down the chain are clear.

So... yeah. I'd still trust Korean studios as much as I'd trust any overseas or domestic animation studio. You get out of them what you put into them by feeding them money and your own labor. It's quite possible that the shows you mentioned didn't do enough of either.

I imagine the overseas studios are hurting right now, so who knows what that landscape is even going to look like in a few years.

As with every step of the process making a TV show, you just sort of have to weigh your options and find the path.

Hmm. That got long.

[slavghoul]

Interview from Rock Hard [FR] Magazine 5/2023

In which Tobias talks about Spillways, Phantomime, how he chooses what songs to cover, the state of the world, why he loves churches, and some touring technicalities.

--

Rock Hard: Let's go back to the version of "Spillways" that you recorded with Joe Elliott, the singer of Def Leppard. How did this collaboration come about?

Unfortunately, this story is less sexy than it would have been if I could have done exactly what I wanted. Before Impera was released, I regularly mentioned Def Leppard in interviews because some of the experimentation on that album was inspired by that band, their writing style. […] As I often mentioned Def Leppard, people around me eventually told me that Joe Elliott and Phil Collen regularly spoke highly of Ghost in interviews. Since I obviously thought it was cool, someone suggested a collaboration. A good collaboration shouldn't be forced, it should happen naturally. The best ones are often the ones that weren't supposed to happen. Two drunk musicians somewhere accidentally writing a good song... Crosby, Stills & Nash style. People who, by chance, find themselves together in a different context from the one they are used to and do something together, by accident. Something magical! That's how I would ideally have wanted it to happen. So I said I was ready to call Joe Elliott and see if we had a rapport. We started talking on the phone and texting a lot, me living in Sweden and him in Dublin. As we were both on the move almost all the time, and he was on tour, we couldn't meet. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he tells me that he has recorded some vocals for 'Spillways'! Quite frankly, I was surprised because I wasn't expecting it. I was anticipating a possible collaboration, but in a different way. To be honest, I thought we would create something new later on. But when I heard the result, I thought two things. Firstly, I found it very flattering. Secondly, I thought Joe brought something new and cool to "Spillways".

But you would have preferred to have the opportunity to write a new song with him.

Yes, that's the way I saw it, but I'm happy with the way it turned out. And then I said to Joe, "You know how we post those funny little episodes on our social media?" He replied "Yes, I think I saw that!" and kindly agreed to participate in one of them. Nowadays, many artists are over-solicited to record video clips for anything and everything in order to keep their channels updated: "Come and see us in concert in such and such a city!", etc. etc. The aim is obviously to keep the media space occupied.

By creating "content"!

Exactly! And that's exactly what I don't want to do. That's why, instead of all this crap, we started some time ago to create these little humorous episodes. One day, for example, I came up with the idea of an episode set in 1969 featuring a sort of "pre-Ghost" group. To do this, I obviously had to write a new song, which I did with this psychedelic track, 'Kiss The Go-Goat', which I thought was funny. When we recorded it, 'Mary On A Cross', another song of the same type, came along. So we ended up with two sides of a single that became 'Seven Inches Of Satanic Panic.’ Instead of just announcing the release on our networks, we chose to shoot a new video in which we featured Papa Nihil and explained the origins of this so-called 'pre-Ghost' band. I thought it was a much more clever and fun way of presenting the single. We do the same when it comes to announcing an album release or a future tour. Joe Elliott has a great sense of humour and is capable of self-mockery, so he kindly agreed to play this little game.

Ghost have made a habit of releasing an EP between their albums, mostly, if not entirely, made up of covers: If You Have Ghost (2013), Popestar (2016) and now Phantomime. How is it not just about “creating content”?

For me, it's a kind of exercise. I like analogies. Let's imagine that the place we are in is a theatre, and that this theatre, in order to be viable, has to host performances all year round. At least fifty weeks a year. Daytime rehearsals, evening performances... You are the director of the place and you know that the play that is currently being performed there will end at the end of the month. So you look for something else to program in order to make the most of the place and keep your staff busy. Maybe an old classic like Doctor Glass (Hjalmar Söderberg, 1905), an adaptation of John Steinbeck, or a rereading of Shakespeare's Hamlet that you could revisit by inviting this actor or that director, renting out your theatre for three extra months for the occasion. Working on this old material, even if it means not releasing it if it doesn't work. We do that to keep the team active, enthusiastic, focused. That's my way of working. I worked simultaneously on the Impera album and the demos of the covers that are on Phantomime. One day I could record 'Spillways' and two hours before leaving the studio to go home, I could look at any of the covers and decide which ones to keep. So, as soon as Impera was finished, I was able to concentrate on those covers that the album's producer wasn't interested in putting on the record. Which was fine with me. I spent some time sorting out the covers I had recorded as demos. There were ten in total, but I only kept five. Because with those five tracks I thought I could come up with a really strong rock EP. In my albums, there are highs, lows, really metal tracks, ballads, instrumentals, etc. So I thought it was a good idea to make a really strong rock EP. I felt it would be cool if this new EP was viscerally rock’n’roll. The opening track, "See No Evil" by Television, sounds like the Rolling Stones on methamphetamine! (laughs)

You like the songs you cover, that's a prerequisite. But their lyrics also play a very important role in your choice.

Yes, that's what makes me choose a song or not.

Is that the number one criterion?

Erm... (he thinks for a long time) If I hesitate between two songs, yes, absolutely! Let's go back to Leonard Cohen, for example. For the bonus tracks of Prequelle, I chose "Avalanche" because it seemed to me to have a biblical and existential significance. This was not the case with 'Take This Waltz', another Cohen song that I liked as much, if not more. The latter, with its Viennese waltz feel, would have metaphorically taken us to Austria, which would not have been very coherent, unfortunately.

Should these covers speak about God, the Devil, ask questions about religion?

They must speak about evil, about good. Be existential, biblical, philosophical, but seen from a certain perspective. Or at least tick one of those boxes, like 'Hanging Around' (The Stranglers) which is about Christ. Some of the other covers I've recorded are more specific, such as 'Phantom Of The Opera' (Iron Maiden), which is about horror. I also make my choice according to the humour of the songs I want to cover. It should be close to my own sense of humour.

You mentioned the first Phantomime cover, "See No Evil". It takes on a different resonance today because, on January 28, 2023, we sadly learned of the death of Tom Verlaine, the leader of Television.

When I recorded this cover in 2021, just after completing Impera, it was already a tribute. But obviously, with Tom's death, this song takes on another resonance, that of a final posthumous salute. I've been listening to Television for twenty years, and I love them and have always considered them a great band. In indie clubs they always play the same song, 'Marquee Moon', but Television had many other good songs, especially on their first two albums: Marquee Moon (1977) and Adventure (1978). I like those two best. It's a band that had a huge influence on one of my previous bands, Subvision. So much so that at the time, I thought several times of covering Television songs that I loved: "See No Evil", but also "Elevation" and "Foxhole".

The first single from Phantomime is Genesis' 'Jesus He Knows Me', a scathing critique of televangelist stars like Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and Robert Tilton. Ugly people who have made their fortune by 'promising salvation’ to naive believers for big bucks. Can we expect to see you wearing a wig in its video, as singer/drummer Phil Collins did in the original video for this song in 1991? 

(Laughs) We've already shot the video for this cover version (editor’s note: the interview was conducted on 11 March 2023) and I'm not in it, but it's a direct nod to the original video. I've always liked this song - except for the reggae part, which I thought was horrible in the Genesis version and which I reworked - and it's funny to see how this 1991 text is still relevant today. Except, of course, for a few "old-time" words, like "phone book". The televangelists are still there on television promising things to people who take their word for it and shower them with money because they are assured of "salvation", they are promised heaven. I also rearranged Iron Maiden's 'Phantom of The Opera' after taking care to contact Steve Harris for his approval.

Indeed, in your retelling of this song, you are the Phantom and not its victim...

Yes, I wanted to be the Phantom. I submitted the idea to Steve, who gave me the green light. I only made some surgical changes. Similarly, I would have liked to have proposed the same thing to Phil Collins so that the text of "Jesus He Knows Me" would have been more in line with the times. Change, for example, "but she don't know about my girlfriend / or the man I met last night" to "or the dude I screwed last night". Alas, lack of time prevented me from doing so. And then, since this was a slippery slope, I thought: - What if Collins refuses? Or what if he gets pissed off? - We could have made these changes without asking anyone's permission - as long as the artists get their royalties, it's not a problem - but there was no way I was going to do it. Neither I nor my label wanted to alienate anyone, obviously.

In 1977, in "Hanging Around" by The Stranglers, which you also cover on Phantomime, the singer Hugh Cornwell sings about several things, but also about Christ "telling his mother not to worry because he's comfortable in the city where he's high above the ground". Is that why you chose it?

Actually, the key thing that made me choose this song from the band over any other is that I grew up listening to the album it's taken from, Rattus Norvegicus (1977), the Stranglers' first release. There are a lot of songs on that album that I would have loved to play because, as a musician, I really like to play those kinds of songs. ‘Hanging Around' was a good fit for us because of the lyrics, but also because it was more in keeping with our style. Ghost are obviously a metal and hard rock band, but also have a strong punk sensibility. Punk, but well played (smiles). For me, The Stranglers have always done "well played punk": this band knows how to play, how to arrange its music, unlike GBH and Discharge, to name but two. Mind you, I also like the latter, but not for the same reasons. A lot of punk bands from the late 70s/early 80s sounded "sloppy". It wasn't for lack of trying to play better. When The Clash and The Jam went into the studio, they tried to do their best and they sounded great! The same goes for The Adverts. Those guys were doing their best. Nowadays, some people think that being a punk is to play badly on purpose, to be messy. No, no, no ! But I digress...

What is the reason for the nod to Metallica's 'Fade To Black' in the solo on 'Hanging Around'?

Just for fun. When I'm working on a guitar solo, I throw things in here and there, like a messy painter. It's like stretching a canvas on a wall and making big brush strokes... But when I start to feel like I've got something cool, I dig in more surgically, a bit like a collage artist would. I interweave little elements, and when it comes time to insert a solo into a piece, I refine things by continuing to add new elements. Generally, a solo gives you a space of freedom in the middle of an otherwise totally structured song. That's when you can come up with different things in terms of melody. So that's the way I do it, even on the demos of the covers. I ask my sound engineer, Martin Eriksson Sandmark, to play me the draft of the solos I've been working on over and over again, and then I try out different things, whatever comes to mind. It's as if I'm drawing a mental map of what the solo will become. Sometimes, if I'm on a part sometimes, if I'm on a bluesy part, I'll let myself play a few notes of Gary Moore’s "Still Got The Blues", or, if I'm tapping, Van Halen's "Eruption". When I was working on the solo for 'Hanging Around', I felt like playing this part of Metallica's 'Fade To Black', just for fun. And it ended up on the demo. I'm a decent guitar player, but I'm not at the level I could have reached if I'd worked harder. I could just record these solos in the studio, where you can always slow things down when you play them and then speed them up and put them on the album, but Fredrik Akesson can play these parts without tricks and with much more finesse than I can. He recorded the solo for "Hanging Around" as I had presented it on the demo, with this nod to Metallica, and we thought it was so cool that we kept it.

Hugh Cornwell, the ex-singer of The Stranglers, said in an interview that, although he was not a believer, he loved visiting churches. Is this also true for you? Are you also attracted to churches?

Yes, passionately! I believe in them like I believe in Star Wars. I've always thought of churches as stage props. Walking into one of them is a bit like walking onto a film set of the original Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. It's awe-inspiring, even though you know it's just cardboard. Churches have magical powers because they are centuries-old buildings and we know that a lot of things have happened within their walls. Not that I'm trying to throw up on these places of worship, but when I go into a church I don't hear God, but the whispers of time. I am not an atheist, although intellectually I can see that there are many reasons why I should be. I believe in a Force, in an Energy. I also believe that we don't know many things, but that there is a balance between these different energies. The white and the black.

Good and Evil...

Absolutely! Right now the world is in crisis, but we're going to get through it. It's a vicious circle. We do ourselves a disservice if we think that if the world were rid of people like Vladimir Putin, Alexander Lukashenko, Jair Bolsonaro and the ayatollahs of Iran and Iraq, we would be out of the woods. I think all this can happen - and I hope it will, in a way - but Good and Evil will always be there. That balance is necessary. But I am an optimist by nature. I believe that there is a future for Volodymyr Zelensky and the Eastern bloc. That there is perhaps a chance to put into practice what was tried there some thirty years ago. And I believe in a free Iran, in a possible return to what this country was in 1978. What a beautiful day that would be! But that doesn't mean there wouldn't be a new war somewhere else in the world. I'm an eternal optimist, but let's face it: history is always starting over. As I said, it's a question of balance, a permanent coming and going. Because I believe in this Force I was talking about earlier, I truly believe that the West can win, that the way we live and the way we have built our society is a step forward that shows progress and can make a large majority of people happy. Not all, but most. But even if we all lived in love and peace for five years, something else would come along to create chaos! An alien or something! (laughs) That's how it works. Our mistake is to believe in the status quo, in nirvana. It's not going to happen. It's always about balance. The Vatican and organised religion... All that crap is just to pick people's pockets, to control them, to take their energy and scare them into plundering them. The same goes for the GOP (editor’s note: the American "Grand Old Party", suspected of having Christian nationalist leanings), which only deceives people in order to take their money! That's all you need to know. It's simple, so simple to understand. All this does not mean that the energy that emanates from churches is not real. When you walk into one of them, you feel - or so I believe - the energy of all those who have gone before you, for decades, for centuries. Their fears, their hopes, etc. So much so, sometimes, that you can feel oppressed, even upset. So I can walk into a church and feel a sense of awe. I love visiting these places, especially from an aesthetic point of view.

On Phantomime, you also cover "We Don't Need Another Hero" by Tina Turner. Don't you think that, given the state of the world today, we do need "another hero"?

I think Zelensky has shown how much we like heroes, how important they are to us. I think back, for example, to how the world went wild when Andrés Iniesta scored the decisive goal in the 116th minute to help Spain win the 2010 World Cup against the Netherlands. I believe in human determination and how it can inspire the world to distinguish between what is important... and what is really important. What is important for our daily lives. Yes, it's cool to have a complete collection of Venom's work, but it doesn't matter if I’m missing the most important thing. In the last ten years especially, the western world has been focusing on tons of unimportant things trying to pit people against each other, cancel culture and all that stuff... It proves that we are spoiled children. Our mentality shows it when it comes to security. Seeing Zelensky defend himself as he does appeals to our most primal instincts: it's beautiful and very inspiring. Nothing else is more important than that. It is the only thing that matters... Otherwise we have to be prepared for a lot of people to live in misery.

Next August, you will tour in the USA with Amon Amarth. I noticed that they will not accompany you on the last date, in Los Angeles, on September 11, 2023. There is no opening act, you ask the audience not to use their phones, etc. That sounds like a live DVD!

Yes, we are indeed planning to film this show, but it won't be the end of the Impera era cycle, even if we will not have so many dates left after this concert. There will still be a few shows in South America and Australia.

Nothing in Japan? A country that one might think Ghost was made for.

At the moment, it's not very clear. We had a lot of discussions with the Japanese promoters, as there was talk of us appearing on the bill of a Japanese festival scheduled for this month. Unfortunately, the festival was postponed... and then rescheduled for March! I think they originally had a big headliner, but the headliner didn't show up. So they cancelled, and then considered a smaller edition with Pantera. With all the back and forth, we ended up dropping out because it was too risky for us to play one date there after six months of inactivity. Our team is currently taking a break, but we preferred to use this time to rehearse for our next shows. The first one will be in Rouen on May 21st. We learned a good lesson the last time we played Hellfest. It was so hot that day, the conditions were so extreme, that we almost had a storm. We really had to fight against the elements and it affected me (Editor's note: the last encore of the show was not played, as Tobias was suffering from vocal problems). It was a very tough show. What really pissed me off was not the fact that I lost my voice, but the fact that the festival-goers who were there were not treated to our entire production. It was indeed difficult to foresee these extreme conditions. This summer we have to play festivals again, so we have reworked our production, which will be better adapted to the complicated weather. On this tour we will play in Spain, Finland, Norway, Greece, all within a few days of each other. So we'll be touring with two identical stages, so we can do all these shows without too much downtime. It's not very ecological, I'm sorry to say, because sometimes we'll have to take a plane to get to these cities in time. Not great, but it's the only way...

Will you play any of the Phantomime covers live?

One thing is for sure: we will play 'Jesus He Knows Me' because it's the first single from the new EP. As for the rest, we'll see during the rehearsals how the set evolves - because it's going to evolve a bit from the 2022 set. We're thinking of playing some songs from Impera that we've left out so far.

[infinstar]

I basically binge watched the SOTUS series for the first time today and coincidentally Thailand passed the marriage equality laws at the same time! Such timing when watching the first GMMTV BL made and one of Thailands first BLs.

I actually really liked it more than I thought I would. I loved Kongbpob's flirting lines!! It always came out of nowhere and I basically had the same expression as P'Arthit (which was bewildered blushing haha) every time. I liked how their relationship developed and how even the confident Kongpob was scared of being honest when confronted about his feelings. It felt realistic and raw - less polished than the BL's we see these days so more freedom to explore as it was a pioneer of sort. The setting was also so nostalgic as I was also in university in 2016 so it brought back so many memories.

I wanted to write in defense about what Kongpob says to M when he asked regarding if he liked boys. He replied that he didn't like boys but he liked P'Arthit because it was P'Arthit. Now I haven't watched SOTUS S or the Our Skyy episodes so I am not sure about Kongpob's attraction/relationship history but it seemed like to me he said that as it was his first actual attraction to someone/guy.

So if that was the first time he liked someone/guy and if he is demisexual/demiromantic then that might make so much sense for him to say that. This is coming from someone who basically said the same thing when I liked someone for the first time (basically around the same time as kongpob) - who just happened to be a girl. I genuinely didn't understand it back then as I had never experienced physical/romantic attraction to anyone regardless of gender before this. I think when you first experience that kind of attraction quite strongly you think that it is only applicable in regards to that person. But my dumbass realised a few years after that, if you liked her then you can/do like girls (it was such a whole different awakening).

But I get where he was coming from. There was a point in time where she asked me and our other friend (who was also a girl) if we would ever like each other if our genders were different. At that time I had already realised that I was in love with her and after thinking about what she said I realised that I would've loved her the same if she was a guy too. This was what cemented the notion that I liked her and not that I liked girls in general at that time (as I couldn't imagining liking anyone else even if their gender had changed). So that was a blast from the past when I saw Kongpob mentioned that to say the least.

I do however like that we have of moved past that kind of declarations as the norm for someone experiencing first time attraction to the same sex. Maybe it will be nice to still have that kind of thinking when it is appropriate for that character as it is so raw but then have that character go through similar realisations that I did to understand otherwise. Basically make the characters a bit more flawed, inexperienced not fully knowledgeable in all aspects of the LGBTQ+ world so that the audience can go on that journey of realisation through the character too. I know I would've benefited from it back then for sure.

[abeautylives]

Times I Remember Well

(and Some That I Don’t)

Part 2

author’s note: The word "skivvies" means underwear. Apparently not everyone knows that lol

pairing: female!OCxjake

time frame: 2014-2016

word count: 7k this part

warnings: language, more teenage angst, illicit substance use, underage drinking, mentions of sex and sexual situations, fingering, angry Sam

I was serious when I said I couldn’t show my face at the Kiszka household for a while. 

Sam showed up at my front door the next afternoon, and immediately started making fun of me for being rejected by his brother. 

“Oh Joshy, why won’t you kiss me?!” Complete with immature kissy sounds and puppy dog eyes.

I could only wonder what Josh had told him happened. He wouldn’t tell me. Menace.

It was one thing to hang out with Sam so soon after the incident, but there was no way I could be around Josh. Or even Jake.

The more I thought about that night (which was a lot), the more I over-analyzed Jake’s reaction to his twin cozying up to me.

Was I crazy to think that he was mad at me? Or at Josh? The look on his face had been murderous (it got even more murdery every time I thought about it). Had I imagined that?

Because I’m the luckiest girl on earth, I didn’t have to wait that long to find out.

After three weeks of avoiding their house all together, Sam convinced me to come by for a smoke sesh in the garage. Same as always, the usual, totally casual. I knocked twice on the door and let myself in, sat on the old throw rug right next to Sam, joined the rotation with Danny on the couch across from me and Sam to my left. Around and round it went, while I refused to meet the eyes of anyone in the room but Sammy.

Jake sat upon his ugly floral throne and Josh was tucked into the corner of the couch beside him. I risked peeking up at them, back and forth, whenever I knew they weren’t paying attention. 

They were so different. More different than I had ever realized, but Josh seemed okay - a little quiet but he smiled easily and laughed freely. I don’t think Jake even glanced in my direction once, but I was too scared to look at him for too long, so who knows.

Eventually, Sam smoked too much. He did this almost every time, you’d think he’d have figured it out by then. He laid himself flat out on the cement floor and dozed off, so I asked Danny to toss me one of the dingy throw pillows from the couch. 

“Here, stupid.” I shoved Sam’s shoulder and he stirred enough to lift his head, I stuffed the pillow underneath it. He went out like a light.

Jake chose the moment Sam passed out to stand from the chair. He stayed there for a second, and I could see him from the corner of my eye. Just standing there, like a total weirdo! So yeah, I looked up at him. Don’t you worry, he was already looking down at me and our eyes locked. Of course they did.

His expression was pretty neutral but made me feel squirmy anyway, so I blinked and looked at Josh instead. You guessed it, he was already looking at me too! Except he’s perfectly lovely and sweet, so he grinned and shrugged his shoulders.

“Come grab some snacks with me, Tiny.”

Nope, Josh didn’t say that. I nearly snapped my neck jerking my head back up to Jake. “C’mon, T.”

When we were still in middle school, Sam and I would sometimes watch reruns of The Twilight Zone, have you ever seen that show? Each episode was a story about some seriously weird and disturbing shit, alternate realities.

This was like that. I had entered the Twilight Zone.

Josh was my only option for help, so I obviously looked over at Danny instead. He was melting into the couch again, lightweight.

“Let’s go.” This Jake was freaking me out. I mean, he didn’t talk to me much under normal circumstances, but he definitely never asked me to go anywhere with him. Let alone demanded it.

“Okay!” Once again, I embarrassed myself under this roof. My voice came out strained and squeaky. Let’s blame it on the dry mouth. 

He skirted around the chair and out the side door, and my body just got up to follow him. Traitor! I stepped over Sam and before I made it to the door, Josh’s hand shot out and grabbed my wrist.

“Hey, you okay?”

Ugh, he’s so perfect. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine but he’s being so weird, right?” Right?!

“He is. He’s been kinda weird for a couple weeks, even with me. But uh… Good luck in there, missed you around here.” He released his hold on my wrist and chuckled. Traitor!

My possible friendship with Josh was tenuous at best, but I was considering a forever type of silent treatment after this betrayal. I sucked a few deep breaths into my lungs before I walked into the house, and when I made it to the kitchen, Jake was leaning against the counter, arms crossed over his chest. He hadn’t even pulled any snacks out. He lifted his eyes to me as I walked in, and did that flippy thing with the hair that always flopped over them.

“What’s up Biebs?” He hated that (he and Sam both did, it was great), and I knew he hated that, but he was getting on my nerves with his attention, with his demands. I could see the hate written all over his face, but I crossed the kitchen and leaned into the counter across from him. Then I matched his wide-legged stance, crossed my arms, and scowled. We stared at each other for a beat, my underarms started to sweat before he responded. 

“Where have you been the last few weekends?”

What do you mean he’d noticed I hadn’t been here? Was he for real?

“Uhh, I’ve been around, I guess. What do you care?”

“You avoiding us, Tiny?” He adjusted his stance, straightening up to his full height (a whopping half inch taller than me - what is it with these guys?) but kept his arms across his chest. His hair had fallen back into his eyes and he flipped it away, and I just stared at him in silence. “Something happen the last time you were here?”

What do you know, dickhead?

“Like what, Jacob?” I smoothed out the scowl from between my eyebrows and batted my lashes at him. I’m so innocent! He did not like it. His arms dropped to his sides and he pushed himself away from the counter. In less than a second he was standing right in front of me. In a fraction of that, he had leaned in close, the tip of his nose nearly touching mine. I tried to back away, arching my back over the edge of the counter, but he moved in further.

Now my back was sweating.

“Did you fool around with my brother?”

Jesus. His question breezed over my lips and his words shot straight to my gut. It wasn’t like the soft caress of Josh’s voice asking what I was doing when I’d been begging him to kiss me. This wasn’t like that at all. 

“Uh-“ Yeah yeah, I had to clear my throat. I think I stopped breathing. “Who? Sammy? Gross, dude.”

Deflect! Deflect!

“Did you fuck Josh, T?”

WHAT?!

I pushed him away from me. I couldn’t breathe!

“What the hell are you talking about, Jake? Of course I didn’t… do that!” I’d never done that, with anyone, had he lost his mind?

“Then why is he acting so weird? And why haven’t you been here since that night?” He really seemed surprised that I hadn’t fu- had sex with Josh on the couch in the garage. What kind of girl did he take me for?

“Ask him yourself, asshole!”

“I did! Multiple times! He won’t say shit and says you guys are just friends, but that doesn’t explain why you’ve been too chicken-shit to show your face!”

Why was he so close to me again? I put a palm squarely in the middle of his chest, ready to push his ass to the floor if I had to, but he wrapped his fingers around my wrist and squeezed. Kinda hard.

“My own brother won’t tell me the truth and it’s your fault.” He pushed my hand back into my own chest. “What did you do to him?”

I was truly at a loss for words, so I uttered a few that I honestly had never said to anyone before. Not even Sam.

“Fuck you, Jake.”

But he didn’t even move! His face sort of twisted up, like he was confused, but I don’t think I could have been any more clear.

“Grow up, Tiny.”

Ugh, when did he learn how to push all my buttons? “You grow up, and mind your own business you creep. What, are you jealous I kissed Josh and not you?”

You should’ve seen it, seriously. You had to be there. He sprung away from me like I’d electrocuted him. 

“You are! Oh this is hilarious, you’re jealous.” I had to say it, the look on his face was a mixture of disgust and embarrassment. I couldn’t believe it. “Do you like me Jake? Huh? You wanna kiss me Jake?”

There’s no excuse for that one. I still don’t know why I said it. But then, ohhhh then, he rushed back into my space, wrapped both hands around the base of my skull, and slammed his lips against mine.

See? Luckiest girl on earth.

A lot of things happened in a span of a very few seconds. 

The weight of his body pushed me into the counter pretty hard, but I barely registered the pain. My first reaction was obviously shock, confusion, but it quickly turned into acceptance and my lips went from stiff against his to soft and welcoming.

Yep. I kissed him back.

My hands flew up and wrapped around his wrists, and he actually gripped my hair. I gasped into the kiss and he slipped his tongue into my mouth. He groaned, I moaned and-

“Seriously?!”

We bounced apart like the opposite poles of two magnets. Jake didn’t stop moving backwards until he hit the counter across from me.

“This is seriously fucked up, guys.” Sam stood in the doorway of the kitchen, eyes red and unfocused, but they landed on me. “Go home, T. I shouldn’t have even asked you to come here.”

Before I could argue or even get upset with him, he turned out of the room and was gone.

I was confused. Very confused. My heart was still beating erratically in my chest and my breaths didn’t feel right either. Of all the people on the planet, I had to look to Jake effing Kiszka for help.

“Jake…” My voice came out small, weak.

For a minute, he just shook his head. My vision went a little blurry.

I am not going to cry in front of another one of these idiots!

“Jake.” Stronger that time, better. “Why did you do that?”

“Why did you?”

“You kissed me first! I-“

“You liked it.”

No, no I did not. I loved it. There was enough potential that I could’ve been smitten with it.

“You’re disgusting.” As I found my voice, I also found some anger. That anger coerced my feet into action, and I found myself toe to toe with him again. I pushed a finger right into his chest, for good measure. “Don’t ever-“

I learned a few things that night. One thing was that Jake was a really terrible listener. 

He didn’t grab me again, he didn’t crowd me or slam his mouth to mine. He just leaned forward and let his lips hover over mine. That shut me up real quick. 

“You sure, T?” Ugh, he whispered. And it was sexy, and seductive.

Another thing I learned that night was that Jake was a real prick.

Because he whispered those words across my lips, wrapped his hands around my upper arms and spun us around, backed me into the counter…

And walked away.

With all that being said, that might have been the night I started falling for Jake Kiszka. But I don’t really remember.

Sam didn’t speak a word to me for six days.

He was really mad at me! Or at least I figured he was, since he sent me away and said I never should have been there to begin with. And he ignored all my texts. And calls. Shit, I even emailed him once.

I passed him in the halls at school all week, tried to catch his attention from a distance, watched him purposefully look past me, or through me each time.

I had really fucked up.

On the seventh day, he gave it a rest. A full week since incident #2, he texted me. 

sammy: I’m sorry too

That was it. I had apologized a hundred unanswered times, pleaded with him to just talk to me, for a week. After so much silent treatment, I didn’t really know how to address it.

Me: my dad wants me to stay with him for the summer

That was true. My dad always wanted me to stay with him for the summer, but I usually chose to stay home and traded out the other, shorter holiday breaks with him. I hadn’t seriously been considering it, until incident #2.

sammy: In Traverse? Are you gonna go?

Me: yeah. 

What did you expect me to say? I needed to get out of the bubble that was our town and away from all the testosterone. Granted, Traverse City is only like three hours away, but that was pretty far for a kid with no license.

Sam didn’t text me back. I was glad I was leaving.

School let out for the summer and my dad picked me up that weekend. Traverse City isn’t all that different from home, aside from triple the population. There’s plenty to do outdoors - beaches and trails - but my dad didn’t exactly provide the same kind of company as Sam. 

When you’re running free with your best friend, the break never seems long enough. This was the longest summer I could remember, but by early July Sam and I were back on regular speaking terms. We texted all the time, and eventually accepted each other’s apologies. 

But after not hearing from him at all before I left town, the first time he reached out was not all that fun.

sammy: Can I ask you a question 

Me: shoot

sammy: Why did it have to be my brothers?

Me: …

Me: what do you mean

sammy: You could make out with ANYONE else

sammy: Why them?

So Josh did tell him something. 

Me: Josh told you we kissed?

sammy: That’s not an answer.

The truth? You know the truth. I started crushing on Josh sometime between his bare chest at Fischer Hall and the skintight jeans with the peace sign patch on the ass that he started wearing later that summer. 

But I still didn’t know what the hell had happened with Jake.

Me: i already said i was sorry sam. I. AM. SORRY. 

Me: i really did like josh… he doesn’t like me back

Me: but i DID NOT KISS JAKE!!! He kissed ME and i have no clue why

Me: I DO NOT LIKE HIM, I HATE HIM

Look, I rarely lied to Sam. I had no reason to. But that text? That was a big fat lie.

How could I tell him that not only did I not hate Jake, I liked kissing Jake. I wanted to kiss Jake again. I wanted to learn how he did it, what his moves were, what made him-

No. Couldn’t tell baby brother all that. So I lied, and I avoided at all costs. 

Back to the best of friends by August, Sam was waiting in my driveway the day my dad dropped me off. We spent the last week of the summer attached at the hip again, but I didn’t step foot in his house for a very long time.

The Friday after my eighteenth birthday, Sammy threw me a party. That I didn’t ask for.

I rarely hung out with him at his own house anymore, and if I did it was only when I knew for certain that Jake wasn’t home. 

Josh and I had developed a sort of friendly relationship over the last couple years, stemming from a run-in at a movie theater. I was on a date (it went terribly), Josh was on a date (I asked him about it later and yes, that guy liked him back!), we fumbled awkwardly through hellos and introductions. He told me he missed seeing me around.

Those five words were enough to convince me that it would be okay to go to the house if he was there.

But not Jake. Never Jake.

So imagine my utter shock and horror when I knocked twice on the garage door, slipped underneath it, and found the room packed full of people.

“SURPRISE!!!”

Fuck me, right? No one likes surprise parties. I particularly hate them. Especially when I’m standing there like an idiot, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, taking in an unexpected mass of people and my stupid eyes lock on Jake stupid Kiszka.

And he smirked. Asshole.

“I’m not ready to leave you.”

Despite the garage full of our friends, I still ended up on Sam’s lap in the ugly chair, a little buzzed and kind of weepy. I tucked my face into his shoulder.

Don’t judge me. I’d already done a few hours worth of dancing, laughing and drinking. And avoiding the proverbial elephant in the room. It was exhausting. 

He shrugged off my concerns. “When I’m famous, you can just drop out and come on tour with us.” He raised his beer up to me, so I tapped mine against it. Cheers to adulthood, I guess. 

“You better get famous, you dick. Or even better, fail miserably and come live in Ann Arbor with me.”

In a month, I was graduating. It's not like I was leaving for college right away, but the reality of being eighteen was weighing on me. Sam’s reality was even heavier.

The fucking band was getting noticed. Being seen. What was I gonna do if they took off, if he left me and Michigan behind?

“Cheer up, T. This is supposed to be a party.” He squeezed me with the arm wrapped around my waist.

“Yeah yeah. I’m fine… I’m just gonna miss you.”

He was really great sometimes, my best friend. He reached down and sat his beer on the floor, then wrapped both arms around me. “I’ll miss you too, you know that.”

I let my eyes close for a minute and just enjoyed it, then sighed heavily against his neck. “Okay, sorry for the pity party. Let me up, I gotta pee.”

A few people were lingering in the kitchen when I made it into the house, they all raised their drinks and yelled happy birthday as I passed through. In the upstairs bathroom, I could hear when they filtered back outside, the house falling silent. I gave myself a little pep talk in the mirror before I left.

Get it together, woman. Have a good time, enjoy the fucking summer. Grow. Up.

Good talk, I know. 

When I hit the bottom of the stairs, I heard the refrigerator open. As I turned into the kitchen, someone was still standing there, hidden by the door.

But I knew who it was.

The fridge door swung closed and there he was. And we were alone. 

Not this shit again.

I wasn’t gonna do it, I wasn’t gonna do anything. I swear. But I kept moving to pass him and leave the room, and he stuck an arm out and stopped me in my tracks. 

“Just let me go, Jake.” See? I had zero interest in this! I didn’t even look at him. Ya know, until he physically turned my body to face him. He had the nerve to smile.

“Happy birthday, T.” Thank God he didn’t whisper it, he was so good at whispering.

“Yeah, thanks. See ya.” I tried to leave again, but he put both hands on me and kept me facing him, toe to toe. Another showdown in the Kiszka kitchen.

“Don’t be like that.”

Oh, how I hated him in that moment. Everything came back, the confusion, the anger I felt the last time we’d been here. When he basically accused me of being a slut right before accusing me of wanting him. And being right about it.

I shook his hands off my arms and took a step back. “No. No, I’m not doing this again.” I turned to leave again, and he caught me by the wrist.

“What are you talk-“

“Stop! Don’t pretend you don’t know!”

“Tiny, I really-“

“Don’t call me that, and don’t act like you don’t know exactly why I have avoided you for two fucking years.”

Maybe it was my expression, or maybe it was the tone of my voice, I’ll never know but he dropped my wrist and actually managed to look guilty.

“Exactly. Bye, Jake.”

I made it to the doorway. If I had just been moving faster, I would’ve missed it and probably never experienced what happened next.

“I’m sorry.”

There’s no way I’d heard that right. It spun me around where I stood.

“What?”

“I said I’m sorry, about that night.”

I waited for the ground to open up and swallow us, or a meteor to blast through the ceiling. Surely the world was ending. Nothing happened.

“Really. What exactly are you sorry for, hm? Why exactly do you think I hate you?”

“You hate me?” I’m sure you can imagine, but yes, he had the audacity to look surprised by that information. It pissed me off.

“Get real, Jake.” I moved closer. “Get fucking real. Tell me what you’re apologizing for, go ahead. What part of that night are you sorry for?” By the time I was done, I was all up in his space and he looked uncomfortable.

Good.

“I’m sorry I accused you of sleeping with Josh.”

The big bad anger deflated, but only a little. I really hadn’t expected him to acknowledge that.

“You accused a sixteen year old virgin of fucking your brother on a dirty couch in your garage.” He literally cringed. I get it, it sounded bad. Because it was.

“That was really shitty of me-“

“You think?!”

“Let me finish,” His hands were on me again, wrapped around my upper arms. “Please.”

All I could do was nod. That please is what did it. He really seemed to feel bad, and I was believing it.

“I said that out of anger, T. I knew something happened out there, and Josh was all fucked up about it after. He wouldn’t talk to me, and he tells me everything.” My shoulders shook with the force of that word. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

My mind was reeling, grasping for the meaning he intended. I shook my head.

“We’re twins, we don’t have secrets. I thought you either forced him to do something he didn’t want to, or you… were mean to him. Judged him.”

It dawned on me, clear as day. 

“You knew.” 

He tipped his chin and nodded, just once. 

“I don’t- then what about the rest? I called you jealous, but it had nothing to do with that. But you were!”

He nodded again. My resolve crumbled.

“Why did you kiss me?” I whispered it, but I wasn’t trying to be sexy, or seductive.

“Because I was jealous. And I wanted to.”

Gulp.

“I’m really sorry that I hurt your feelings. I never wanted you to hate me.”

“What did you want?”

As you can imagine, that question sealed my fate.

“Just you.”

My back was against the refrigerator before he even finished breathing the words. This time, there was no moment of shock, I wasn’t confused, and my lips were not stiff. 

His hands slid up my arms and into my hair, and he tilted my head. My mouth opened for him, and I gripped the front of his t-shirt for dear life.

Remember when I told you that by sixteen, I had kissed plenty? That was true. By eighteen, I’d kissed plenty more.

But this kiss was going to ruin me, and I knew it.

He let a hand slip from my hair and ran it down the length of my body, past my shoulder, over my ribs and the small of my waist, then he tucked it between me and the fridge and flattened it to my lower back. And pulled my hips into his.

Oh my god. He did want me, I could feel the evidence of that pressed against me.

“Jake.” I broke the kiss but his lips kept moving, he tilted my head further and ran kisses over my cheek, my jaw. “Jake.”

“Mm?” His hips ground into mine, he didn’t take his lips off of me. 

“What- fuck, what are we doing?” My hands flattened against his chest and pushed, just a little, and he finally lifted his face.

His breath was coming quickly, I could feel it under my palms. “What do you wanna do, T?”

My brain raced toward an answer, past all the reasons we shouldn’t do what I wanted to do. There’s still a party going on in the garage, Sam is waiting there for me to come back from the bathroom, this is a bad idea, this is Jake, Sam may never forgive me for this.

“Can we- should we… go somewhere else?” Yeah, that’s what my brain landed on.

“You sure?” The memory of that same question, two years ago, rushed in and I knew that if he walked away from me this time, I would never get over it.

“I’m sure.”

He didn’t stop to reconsider or question my decision, just took my hand and led me back to the stairs. We rushed to the second floor, not leaving time to second guess or re-evaluate. He practically dragged me into his room, slammed the door behind us and locked it.

I didn’t bother looking around, it was dark anyway but I didn’t want to think too hard about what was happening. I just let him push me towards a bed and fell into it. He tore his shirt over his head and covered my body and mouth with his. 

My legs opened and he settled between them, immediately grinding into me. This was happening, and it was happening fast. Our mouths were securely attached, so I wriggled beneath him, tugging the hem of my shirt up. As soon as he caught on to what I was doing he took over the task, sliding a hand up under my shirt and touching my bare skin for the first time. 

“Fucking hell, T.” God, his voice was ragged, he was literally panting as he leaned back to use both hands, spreading his palms over my stomach, my ribcage, skimming over the sides of my breasts and up until my shirt was over my head and thrown to the floor.

For a minute we just stared at each other, our heavy breathing the only sound in the room. 

He had changed so little and so much in the last two years. Physically, his hair had grown long, hanging to his shoulders instead of flipping across his forehead. His cockiness had transformed into confidence, and his actions up to this moment had been firm and self-assured. As we took each other in, I wondered what changes he saw in me.

Did he see a woman that night, pinned to his mattress by his eyes? At sixteen, I’d tried so hard to convince all of them that I was grown - could he see the ways that I had?

“You’re so fucking hot.” Okay, yeah it wasn’t poetry or anything, but his words pulsed through my bloodstream and settled between my thighs. Something like a whine slipped from the back of my throat, and suddenly we were moving in fast motion. He covered me again, but his kiss landed on my jaw, then below my ear, then the base of my throat. As it passed my collarbone I tangled my hands into his hair. He’d propped himself up on an elbow and the other hand slid up my ribs again then covered my breast.

I wish I could remember what my bra even looked like that night, but it hadn’t seemed like he cared.

He squeezed me softly, I moaned, he squeezed harder. Then his fingers tugged the top of the cup down, and for the first time, a part of me was truly naked in front of Jake Kiszka.

There was only a fleeting moment where he lifted his head and looked at my chest, bared to him, my nipple already hard and aching for his attention - then he dropped his mouth over it and sucked it in.

My back arched off the bed and he sucked me in deeper, his tongue swirling around my nipple before he softly put his teeth on it.

“Yes.” I hardly recognized my own voice, but he must have recognized the need or the urgency in it, because he applied just a tiny bit of pressure, and bit me. “Yes!”

His head popped up and his eyes met mine. “Fuck, you liked that?”

Was that weird? Was I not supposed to? I didn’t know what to say, so I nodded. It prompted him to pull the other side of my bra down and treat my other nipple to the same affection, so I guessed it was the right answer.

We were writhing together, friction between our hips and my hands holding his head to my chest until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Jake, kiss me, please…”

Somewhere along the line, he’d become a better listener. His lips slotted over mine and he kissed me deeply, I felt it everywhere. Until his hand started fumbling with the button of my jeans. It popped open and he slid the zipper down. Just as his fingers danced over the edge of my underwear, he paused. 

Against my mouth he whispered, “Yes?”

I nodded frantically, breaking the kiss.

“Say it, T.”

“Yes.”

Fingers slid over cotton and tucked themselves between my legs, and my entire body shuddered. He dropped his gaze to where he was touching me as he pressed them into me and slid them up my center, catching on my clit. I jolted at the contact. 

“Jesus Christ.”

Had I surprised him? Done something wrong? Why was he pulling his hand away- oh.

His hand slipped out of my jeans only long enough to slide under the waist of my panties, then it disappeared inside them. 

Jake Kiszka had his fingers on my actual, bare-

You get it.

Again, they pressed into me and then through me, I could feel the way my body offered no resistance, slick and easy. 

“You- you’re so…” His voice trailed off, but I needed to know. What was I? What was he thinking?

“What, Jake?” I sounded breathy, my voice coming out shaky and quiet. He looked up into my eyes.

“You’re so wet.” He sounded stunned, awe lacing his tone. 

My throat closed, I swallowed hard. Embarrassment made my chest hot and I opened my mouth to say something. I’m sorry? But my mouth snapped shut because he moved his fingers through the wetness again and groaned, deep and low, before tracing up to my clit again and circling it.

He continued to watch my face, I think. I’m not sure, because my eyes slammed shut as my body bowed into the feeling, but it seemed like he was watching all of my reactions closely. I’m sure he saw my face drop when his fingers left my clit, only to see my jaw fall open when one moved lower and pushed inside me slowly.

Inside. Me. My eyes shot open and found him staring at me, nostrils flared. 

“Relax, T. You’re so tight.”

Was that bad? I pulled a deep breath into my lungs, in through my nose and out through trembling lips. Tried my hardest to relax every muscle, but I was wound so tight I felt like I would implode. 

I must have done something right, because his finger slid deeper and he murmured the worst thing I’d ever heard.

“That’s good, good girl.”

In hindsight, I know he wasn’t even trying to be sexy. But my body tightened around his finger again and he started to withdraw it. I panicked, gripped his wrist and dug my nails in just as he pushed all the way inside. 

“God!” I couldn’t help it, the invasion was overwhelming me.

“Shhh, I’ve got you.” He was pumping it inside me now. “Tell me what you want.” Focus made his features look so serious, but his voice was calm and coaxing. I had no fucking clue what to say.

So I said the first thing that popped into my head.

“More.” He smiled, his mouth curling up at the corners. I felt him withdraw his finger all the way, gasped as he swirled two over my clit, then entered me again with both. 

“Jesus, you’re so tight, you feel so good.”

So good, so good. That’s good. I let myself relax into his touch and within a few seconds my hips were moving in time with his fingers. My bottom lip was held tight between my teeth as I tried not to let any of the sounds building in my throat escape. He noticed.

His face came close, he pecked a kiss to my cheek then whispered into my ear. “Let me hear you, just be quiet.” 

I really had no choice, because as soon as the words left his mouth, he pressed his thumb to my clit and plunged his fingers deep.

“Shit Jake, yes yes yes…”

Still next to my ear, he tucked his face into my neck and kissed me there before making his way back to my lips. His tongue swept out over my bottom lip and I opened to him, let him in. My eyes fluttered closed.

Then I felt it, a tightening, low in my belly. A tingling even lower. I don’t know what I did that signaled to him, but he knew.

“Are you gonna come for me?” He asked between kisses. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.

I didn’t have to. All it took was a few more pumps of his fingers, a couple circles with his thumb, and I had my first orgasm. 

Trust me when I tell you, it was a doozy. 

My entire body tensed, my back arched and my mouth opened. Thank God I couldn’t hear myself over the buzz in my head because I’m sure the sound I made was mortifying, but it didn’t matter. As quickly as it had gripped me, it started to fade away. Things came back into focus and I felt Jake’s fingers softly moving in shallow strokes before they stopped and he pulled them from me. 

“Wow.”

Who said that? Oh, it was Jake. I peeked up at him and his eyes were wide, almost black in the darkness. Then he pulled his hand from my pants and stood up so quickly, I was sure I’d done something wrong. I shot up to sit and had barely planted my feet on the floor when I heard his belt buckle clink. The shuffle of his shoes across the carpet as he toed them off his feet. The soft swish of denim falling down his legs and hitting the floor, more shuffling and he stepped out of his jeans.

Holy shit holy shit holy shit.

I didn’t even have time to truly panic, because he stepped back up to the bed and leaned down, kissing me briefly on the lips before using his hands to guide me backwards, laying across his bed again. He reached for the waist of my pants and, already undone, started to slide them off of my hips. I let him pull them down my legs until they got stuck at my shoes. 

He chuckled. I giggled, nervously. He slipped my shoes off then tugged my jeans from my feet. I shifted and sat back up. 

And there I was. Looking at Jake Kiszka in nothing but his skivvies and socks, and myself wearing much of the same. Except my tits were out, the cups of my bra pushing them up from underneath. 

Jake must have sensed my nerves, because he asked me if I was still sure. I nodded and he demanded to hear it out loud. 

“Yes.”

He turned to his nightstand, rummaged blindly  through the drawer, and when he straightened he slipped his thumbs under the elastic waistband of his underwear.

Then they hit the floor.

And there I was. Looking at Jake Kiszka in nothing but his socks. 

My cheeks exploded with heat and I was grateful that he couldn’t see me blushing in the dark, but I must have made a face, or a noise, because he was poised to tear open the condom wrapper and he stopped. 

“Are you okay?”

Oh shit, what did I do?

“Um-“ Cleared my throat. “I- yeah. Yes. Sorry. I’ve just, never done this before.”

“Ha ha, T. For real, what’s wrong?”

Ha ha? I wasn’t laughing. 

“Nothing. It’s fine, I just haven’t ever…” It trailed off, because there was something wrong with the way he was looking at me. 

“Fuck. You gotta be kidding me.” Ouch. 

His arms dropped to his sides, condom packet still between the first two fingers of his left hand. He flicked it away, it skimmed the surface of the nightstand and fell behind it.

No, no no no. 

“What? What are you doing?” There it was, a little bit of that panic, finally allowed to bloom under my skin. He bent and stepped back into his boxer briefs and pulled them up. My own semi-nudity suddenly felt shameful, so I tugged the cups of my bra back up to cover my breasts. “Jake, I still want th-“

“No. I can’t, T. You’re still a virgin?” 

Was I crazy, because I hadn’t seen anything wrong with that before this exact moment? He stepped back into his jeans and started pulling them up.

I reached out to stop him, a hand on his wrist. “Yeah, but who cares? It’s not that big of-“

“I care!” He ripped his arms away from me, pulled his pants up and fastened them. He continued as he started plucking my own clothes from the floor and shoving them into my shaking arms. “I can’t do that, I can’t be your first. I can’t fucking believe this.”

The first tear slipped and ran down my cheek, and I swiped it away, frustrated. “You’re overreacting, Jake. Why are you-“

He cut me off again. “How could you not tell me? What if I, if I had- God.”

“I didn’t know I was supposed to!” I jerked my shirt over my head and shoved my arms through the sleeves. “Why would you think I wasn’t?!” Pulled my jeans over my feet and up my legs. 

“Because Sam told me!”

My fingers stopped buttoning my pants, my head jerked up. “What?!”

“Sam said he thought you were fucking that idiot you dated last year, when you weren’t coming around for like a month. He-“

“I’m gonna kill him. That’s it, I’m finally gonna actually kill him.” 

Jake threw his arms up. “What was I supposed to think, T? With the way you were kissing me, and- and- you weren’t acting like a virgin!”

“Because you still think I’m some kind of slut, Jake? Is that it? Oh my God I’m so stupid.” I fastened my jeans and pulled my shoes on, then shoulder checked him on my way to the door.

It felt good, okay?

He was right behind me, forgetting his shoes and pulling his shirt on as he followed me down the stairs, but I didn’t stop. I bolted through the kitchen and outside, then into the garage.

A lot of people had left and I found Sam immediately, strewn across one end of the couch. He was probably crossfaded and ready to pass out, but he popped up as soon as he saw my face. 

“Tiny, where have you been? What’s wrong-“ Jake stormed into the garage behind me, and even through hooded, bleary eyes, Sam put some pieces together. Or tried to.

I was trying desperately not to cry, and I’m sure I looked it. I could feel how kiss-swollen my lips were, and I guessed that Jake’s looked the same. Add in the fucked up bed hair, and then two tears that slipped free and ran down my face. 

“What the fuck did you do..”

But Sam wasn’t talking to me. He was looking past me.

“What did you do?!”

The few of our friends that were left lingering in the garage were all staring at us. 

“Party’s over! GET OUT!” I flinched. I’d never heard Sam yell, not in anger. Everyone jumped and hustled through the side door until we were alone, and Sam took one deep breath before speaking. 

“T, come here, are you okay?”

I didn’t move, just nodded my head and wiped furiously at my cheeks. “Yes, I’m fine, I- I just wanted to tell you I was leaving.” He came to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. 

“What did you do?” I knew he was speaking to Jake, still standing silently behind me. 

“Sam, I don’t know what you’re thinking but-“

“Why is she fucking crying?”

I broke free of his hold and stopped him. “Sam, it’s okay. I’m fine, I swear. I’m going home.” I grabbed my bag from the floor beside the couch and flung it over my shoulder, lifted the garage door and slipped out.

I didn’t stop running until I reached my driveway.

[bedlamsbard]

Hey, big fan, I loved your AU Star Wars fics, by far some of the best stories I've read. So when I saw the trailer for the new Disney show and saw Barriss as an inquisitor I was shocked, was this always the canon? I wondered if you were inspired by some SW novels or is this just a weird coincidence?

Thanks for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed the fic!

Barriss Offee has not appeared in any Star Wars media set after TCW S5 since "The Wrong Jedi" aired in 2013. On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone was written between May 2015 (began posting in July 2015) and October 2018, when the only media that existed that dealt with the Inquisitors was Star Wars Rebels, which introduced the Inquisitor (not yet called the Grand Inquisitor) in 2014 -- you'll note that in Backbone it's the Inquisition rather than the Inquisitorius, which is a name that canon didn't use until much later. Backbone was written so early that canon wasn't even using the Brother/Sister naming conventions that appeared in Rebels S2, which the first few chapters of Backbone predates (it started posting in the summer of 2015). That is the reason that Backbone Inquisitors use naming conventions that the canon Inquisitors do not: because it predates the canon naming conventions.

Back in 2015, there was speculation that the Seventh Sister who appeared in the S2 trailer that aired at Star Wars Celebration Anaheim was Barriss, thus leading to a brief period of time when the Seventh Sister and the Fifth Brother were known as "Barriss and Clyde" within the fandom, and for a long time afterwards people still called the Fifth Brother Clyde. The Seventh Sister when introduced in the original trailer only appeared helmeted, leading to the speculation that she might be Barriss Offee. When her VA was announced, there was widespread dismay that Sarah Michelle Geller might have replaced Meredith Salenger as Barriss, and at one point Freddie Prinze Jr had to deny that SMG had been recast as Barriss: that was how predominant that theory was. My use of Barriss as an Inquisitor came out of the original "there are more Inquisitors!" reveal from the Rebels S2 trailer but I made the decision back then not to make her the character that would later be known as the Seventh Sister since I was pretty sure canon wasn't going to do that. That decision was not based on anything that was actually in canon and certainly not on any of the novels at the time, because back in 2015 when I started working on Backbone there were only, I think, four new canon books out.

Backbone was, in fact, so early that when I wrote it, Cham Syndulla had not been re-introduced in Rebels -- the episode "Homecoming" aired in February 2016. (He was not actually revealed as Hera Syndulla's father until the April 2015 novel Lords of the Sith; it had previously been speculated he was Hera's uncle, not her father.) It was written years before Jedi: Fallen Order came out and revealed more information about the Inquisitorius, their recruiting patterns, or their headquarters; it also predates the appearance of the Inquisitorius in the 2017 Darth Vader comics.

All that said, it's not really a weird coincidence -- TBB also made Hera's mother green, for example, the same way I made Alecto Syndulla green. (This was more than a year before we saw that portrait in Rebels S3 (October 2016) and even more years before she was actually given a name in TBB.) That Barriss had become an Inquisitor was speculated as soon as the Rebels S2 trailer revealed that the Inquisitor was not the only Inquisitor. (He was not called the Grand Inquisitor in canon until the episode introducing the Seventh Sister and Fifth Brother aired in late October 2015, which by the way Backbone predates. He was introduced in 2014 only as "the Inquisitor," which is why and some older fans will still call him Quizzy.)

Backbone is nine years old. I started working on it in May 2015, even before "The Siege of Lothal" aired. Even though it wasn't finished until 2018, it was fully plotted by the end of summer 2015 and it predates most current Star Wars canon, because the new canon only started in fall of 2014, with the novel Star Wars: A New Dawn and soon afterwards Rebels. There was not much canon then! The Inquisitors were introduced for Rebels! At the time, there was nothing else! All of that stuff we now know about the Inquisitors? It came out well after Backbone started posting. (Hell, Jedi: Fallen Order not only postdates the beginning of Backbone, it postdates the end of Backbone, which was October 2018.)

[morsesnotes]

I'm kind of amused by Shaun Evans going from befuddled about the Morse/Joan storyline to outright annoyed over the years.

-----

Jace Lacob: You mentioned your love for the fourth episode this season, “Coda.” I’m wondering if there’s a favorite scene that stands out to you from this third season?

Shaun Evans: Yes, and it’s the last scene where Joan leaves.

Shaun: Throughout, we’ve always had little glimpses of them catching each other’s eyes in the mirror, in walking her home, seeing what’s going on, and I’ve always been curious. And each time we have an interaction I always say, “Where are we going with this? Where are we … What are we doing here? Should we be playing that there’s a bit of an attraction here, or should we be … should she just be my boss’s daughter?”

Shaun: I think for something to be engaging, the audience have to root for what the hero wants. Now, if the hero doesn’t know what he wants, it’s difficult for them to root for him, then it just becomes procedural, every week he solves a case. Whereas, if you think of the great sort of stories of like Friends, or like Sex and the City, or any of those stories, you can think, “Will they get together? Won’t they get together?” And it’s that which is engaging.

God I’m going on now aren’t I?

But in conclusion I was pleased because I really felt strongly that there should be some interaction between those guys that we’re really driving towards. But I feel like it really came, the heart of the story, came to fruition in the final scene.

PBS Masterpiece (2016)

-----

Jace: Why doesn’t Endeavour tell Joan that he loves her when he does have the opportunity?

Shaun: Oh, $64,000 question.

Shaun: There were so many back and forths about this, I’ve gotta tell you. And for me, I really … not agonized, but I thought, “Well, why go to all that trouble and not say anything? Why not? Why not just say something?” And we spoke about it constantly with the writer and it was his instinct that he doesn’t say anything, and I thought, “Why? But what’s the- why not just say one thing, not just say … Even call her by her first name?” You know? Why not say something, you know?” So you go with the majority sometimes, in cases like that. But I think it plays … I think it plays beautifully, you know?

Jace: I mean, so much of the show is in the unstated, rather than the stated.

Shaun: Mm-hmm.

PBS Masterpiece (2016)

-----

Q: Morse is pretty useless with women -- does he have more luck this time?

Shaun: Yeah, he ballsed it right up with Nurse Monica, but she was just too nice. He needs someone who's a bit more [thinks] "Grrr". But Monica comes back, so we get to end that in a better way. And things with Joan take a twist, which is quite satisfying. It can be frustrating for me, too. I'm like, "Why isn't Morse saying something? Why isn't he speaking up?" But the writer says, "Please, just trust me on this." And he gets it right.

Heat magazine (2017)

-----

Jace: The dynamic between Morse and Joan Thursday has provided a romantic spine to the series thus far. In the first episode of season six we get a bit of a flashback to the end of “Icarus,” with Morse asking if Joan’s offer of a coffee still stands. What happened between these two after Fancy’s death?

Shaun: This is one thing that we disagree about. I personally think that it would be interesting to have these two people begin a relationship and to have a night of passion and then the next day or a couple of weeks later, they’re like, ‘Oh this isn’t what I thought it would be. This isn’t the answer to all of my prayers at all.’ In a way for me, I think that’s way more heartbreaking, that you can’t be happy with anyone, rather than this, will they won’t they, which I personally think has a shelf life. So we have a disagreement about that, but that’s cool. So nothing happens between them. She’s busy, her life moved on. She hasn’t got time for him any more.

Jace: I do think it would be gutting for him to achieve this sort of idealized romance only to for only to find out that it is not working.

Shaun: Right?

Jace: And that there’s something broken within him.

Shaun: Because that speaks about you. Yeah exactly so, that’s my point exactly, right. That’s my point exactly. I think there’s not a fear, and I hesitate to say fear, but I think that for whatever reason, our writer, who I love and is one of my best mates, likes the idea of this will they won’t they. But I think that it speaks more to a real inability to form a lasting romantic relationship if you do that. So I’m very depressed about that. Someone you’ve lusted after for five years and then she’s like, ‘You know it’s…’

Jace:  ‘Thanks but no thanks.’

Shaun: Yeah, totally, or even if it’s him it’s like, ‘What’s this here?’

PBS Masterpiece (2019)

[error501blog]

Overthinking Ghost Cole...

I personally would've enjoyed more Cole Angst as a ghost. However, I think we got enough in Possession. We saw him be shocked and sad in the Temple on Haunted Hill. Next we see him deal with reality of the situation and grow to accept it. I think one more episode of being bummed out about not being human would've been nice. Specifically, before that mountain one. He does grow to accept his ghost-ness within the season. It felt a bit rushed to me, but I don't mind it too much. Cole isn't an angsty person. I think he'd adjust quickly, and he did. It would feel weird if he was moping for a while on what happened to him. He moped for a little bit, but was more concerned with the fact he can't help his friends the same way he used to. His arc is growing to accept he is still valuable even though he's a different now.

I think the main issue of ghost Cole is in Skybound. We never see him continue to deal with reality of being a ghost. We don't see him interact with his father, have issues on the film set, not much. We only have cool power up moments and some gags. (Which are great, I can be nice) Why can't Cole get a separate prison cell when they go to jail? Why does vengestone have to now apply to ghosts? Cole is no longer human, he's something else. He's something other. But in Skybound he's treated as a human, but he can go invisible occasionally. He can still eat food. Nothing is lost, he's better off as a ghost. You lose the feeling of sacrifice.

In Possession we see him jump around water (like when Nya uses her powers, when they fortify their base etc) We have lines which highlight his new change. (Borg saying he built the mech out of deepstone)

Now on Ghost Cole Angst. The only opportunity for ghost Cole angst in Skybound would’ve been from the other characters. Cole’s arc was about accepting his changes and coping with his new reality. Then loving himself again. In Skybound there’s nothing to cope with because he finished his arc. Lou or Lloyd are people who weren’t there with Cole much in season 5 and probably would have a lot of feelings about what happened. A side plot that Skybound could’ve had if we wanted to expand on Coles character is an outsider coming to terms with his transformation. It would’ve shown off Cole's growth and give characters with nothing to do something. (That’s why I suggested Lloyd)

This is just a big ask for a season that came out in 2016. As for what we got in canon, I think we’re just lucky he stayed a ghost in Skybound. The season was meant to focus on Jay, a character who got a backseat in previous seasons. I think this is one of the many issues of having a Jay focused season after a more ensemble focused one. All the other characters took a hit. Having more focus on Nya focused plot line outside of her romantic relationships would've been beneficial for her character. A lot of big changes were made to the story and the Ninja didn't get to recover much or still be affected. Lloyd's father died, he was more affected by this in Possession. Maybe Lloyd or someone from his family giving us a speech about Garmadon in the beginning. Hopefully not from Master Wu. We know his shit, he won't have anything new to the table. My mainpoint being Cole isn't the only one that got messed up in Skybound.

In summary, MY FAVES ANGST WAS SIDELINED IN SKYBOUND, SO NOW I'M SAD!

so that’s why I never mentioned the missed potential of ghost Cole in a post about Possession. It’s meant for a post about Skybound.

Tell me if you disagree with the take. This take is oddly not so controversial for me. (My drafts are mostly x is overrated) So agreeing with fellow members of the fandom or just sharing an idea is probably beneficial for my relationship to the Ninjago.

[stupendousfoxthing]

I am curious what Army fans and Taekookers and Jikookers saw when all the content came out in real time. I've watched all the Run BTS episodes and a huge chunk of the Bangtan Bombs as well as BV Soops and I don't see the separation or distance between Taekook. Why did the fandom beleive they weren't close? I also see Jimin and V having a much closer and cuddly bond than the two rival ships. What am I missing?

Well I feel like I may not be in line with popular opinion on this because the "separation" has never really factored much into my belief in Taekook. It's not something I focus on or put much thought into, because of course if two people are in a relationship that needs to be hidden for their protection that's what will be done. Analysis videos took off a bit into my Taekooking and where they really lost me was hyperanalyzing every single Run episode. I don't expect to find ship proofs there, nor do I look for them in that kind of content. The "moments" are usually just slowed down and exaggerated normal interactions. I became a Taekooker in 2016 which is when something of a drought started in them getting paired up in official content. Not a complete absence, but starting that year we saw a lot less of just the two of them. I just started to expect I'd always see a third member with them if we got them in any concept photoshoot for instance. 2016 was also the last year we saw just the two of them in a live together for four years. I still remember when the news that Taekook were live in 2020 hit Twitter I didn't believe it. Then I tuned in to see them kind of awkward and obviously being chaperoned, and suddenly it made sense. I've seen a few times where it appeared that Taekook were being directed to separate. There are a couple where their moods change that I find interesting, but I'm not going to read too much into it because I have no idea what was going on behind the scenes. Most likely, I never will. But there's also things like BV Malta where I believe they accommodated them in sharing a room considering Tae was in a vulnerable spot emotionally at the time. I'm not one to complain about the company making people believe they aren't close, because I think the people that do believe that are obviously wrong and just want that to be true. I'm incapable of caring about their opinion. Taekook themselves showed everyone in solo era that no matter what the nature of their relationship is, they're the closest pair. That they choose to spend a significant amount of time with each other. That they are deeply involved in each other's lives. Anyone paying attention can see that. I don't know that you're missing anything. If you like Vmin's cuddly bond and think they're the closest, that's cool. Hopekook is also a very cuddly pair and I find both pairs adorable. But I don't believe in either "ship", and I don't think they are the closest. For me it's no question that's Taekook.

[bogkeep]

last year i wrote my opinions on all the movies i watched on my Very Long Flights to australia, since long flights are a great opportunity to watch some movies i probably wouldn't have bothered to seek out otherwise. here's the stuff i watched this time around

the first 13 episodes of rurouni kenshin: okay so back when i watched demon slayer for the first time i asked around like "does anyone know any other Good Sword Animes. i'm in a big mood for Sword Anime" and a friend told me that they were going to tell me about THE sword anime, but with a BIG caveat. and the caveat was such that i went "ah yeah maybe i won't look into that one". i've since heard more about this series and been very curious about the story, because it sounds like My Shit. i figured in-flight entertainment is probably one of the more ethical ways to watch it, and i have confirmed that it is indeed My Shit. extremely skilled swordsman torn between his bloody past and a new life? he can win any fight, but at the cost of his soul? yeah. yeah. will say that the subtitles left in a lot of japanese terms and words that i think i would've greatly benefited to know the meaning of - like i figured it out from context eventually, but yeah. so Now I Know. at least my curiosity is sated.

the new wonka movie - it was Fine! i appreciated the sincere efforts of whimsy and trying to stick to a roald dahl-esque tone, though in hindsight it's ENTIRELY too magical and sugary sweet (hah). could definitely have done without the fatphobia - something that is very present in the source material, so i shouldn't have been surprised that it features in the prequel, too... it just made me go "nooo noooOooooo don't do that uuughhh noooooooooooooooooooo" a lot. honestly, as far as vibes go, this movie reminded me the most of the first f*ntastical beasts movie (you know, the one that came out in 2016, when we were still young and innocent) - like, decently charming, very cgi.

the old willy wonka movie - i had never seen this one before, and it provided me a lot of context for the New movie :') now THIS really hits the Unhinged Dangerous vibes the new movie lacked. easily the best played willy wonka. a grand old time. i <3 practical effects.

3/4ths of the barbie movie rewatch - is the barbie movie still fun to watch, even after a year of Essays and Takes? i think so. i was in a practical effects mood and had less than two hours left of my flight. like, it's The Barbie Movie. it will never be That Deep because it cannot escape its corporate mainstreamness, but i love the actual play-pretend whimsy and exorbitant amount of pink paint and funky outfits.

killers of the flower moon - i'd considered watching this on my previous flight, i had heard of the movie and put it on my to-watch list, but the THREE HOURS AND TWENTY SIX MINUTES runtime scared me off. not because i didn't have time (my flights were 12 hours and 7,5 hours respectively), but because i knew it was gonna be Heavy and Depressing and you gotta have the right mood for three hours of That. both of my flights had the exact same entertainment catalogues i gave it a try first thing on flight #2, knowing i don't have to finish it if i don't want. it was very good but oh boy heavy and depressing was correct! really good buildup of dread and despair as the web of murder closes in like water circling the sink. very good period piece, and everything i've read about it after indicates that martin scorsese worked very closely with the osage people to create this movie.

the lego movie rewatch - this is one of my favourite movies that i've seen many times but haven't in a while, and after the Three Hours And Twenty Six Minutes of indigenous people getting poisoned and murdered i REALLY needed something light-hearted. i was also severely sleep deprived at this point. all this to say that i was almost overwhelmed by how fun this movie is and kept tearing up at almost every scene. it's just such a good time!!!! my critique of this movie has always been that it has two tropes that annoy me - the "highly competent girl is reduced to an assistant for the clueless 'chosen one' dude" and "person who has changed their name goes back to use their ~*real name*~ because it's more valid than whatever they picked" - that only annoy me because of how prevalent they used to be at the time when this movie came out. in isolation, the story works really well and i still like it so so much. everything is awesome!!!!!!

anyway those are my movie thoughts

[accio-victuuri]

CPN : before i first met you.

this is my 3/14 anniversary post, it’s been 6 years and there are still bits that can be talked about and shared. consider this as yet another supplementary to the 2017 candies and a part of devil timeline + prelude to love at first sight. dates cover february & march upto the filming this ttxs episode.

same disclaimer applies, this is all cpn/interpretation/speculation through the eyes of a turtle. these are mostly galaxy brain and may not be for everyone. if anything, you can use this as a glimpse to what they were doing at that time and enjoy that part.

• 020917 - Yibo gets his motorcycle driving license. months after meeting yinzheng in November 2016, he really spent all his time on Motos. Then early the next year he finally gets his first one, A Ducati 1199 Panigale S. The fact that it is color red which is ZZ’s color is not lost on me. You would think he will get a green one but he didn’t. The more logical explanation would have to be that his idol Rossi rode this particular model so maybe that’s why he was drawn to it.

He was spending most of his time practicing with the moto and getting hurt. 🥲🥲🥲

• 021017 - He flies to Beijing and wore a Gucci Hoodie. Lol. The irony is not lost on me. Tho I have to say, this kind of GUCCI logo clothing was pretty popular at the time so this could be Bobo just going along with what was on trend. But like, this will never happen now. HAHAHAHAHA! He has completely changed his wardrobe staples. It’s just cute to see him wearing what is essentially ZZ’s brand. If you cpn, then he wore that specifically because it reminded him off ZZ.

• 021117 - ZZ posted for lantern festival and reminded people to eat. What’s interesting is the 4th picture is that of a pink pig. We know what WYB is jokingly and lovingly referred to as piggy by his fans.

on the same day, he recorded a weekly video diary and published it. people are saying that at this time, he already knew that they were gonna be guests @ TTXS. then he goes on to talk about the weather, the bit we are 👀 was when he said this:

"I heard from a friend that Beijing is extremely cold"

sure. he has lots of friends in Beijing. that is practically his home base already. but wait, who just arrived in Beijing yesterday? WYB. Also CPN here is since he knows that he will go to TTXS, they might have been communicating already (and it came up in conversation that it’s cold in BJ. Even today, with LRLG, them talking about the weather is a staple.

• 021417 - It’s valentines day and WYB posted on weibo with a caption alluding to he is by himself and this is what valentines is like. Actually the hashtag was related to valentines. So this is him throwing it out there that he is alone and playing video games. Also the use of a dog filter is not lost on me. He really is the puppy.

Then comes ZZ with his V-day special episode of his video diary and he said some really sus things on here. Never mind what he is wearing. A white hoodie that we didn’t really see in full but from the top half kinda looks like the GUCCI one WYB wore. Yes, there are lots of white hoodies in the world but this is the cpn brain working overtime. Also, I’ve said earlier that Bobo might have worn that to match ZZ. Couple hoodie 💛 or, ZZ was purposely trying to match Bobo, this is not GUCCI at all but he wants to match since it’s Valentines and Bobo is all alone.

Back to what he said on the video diary,

“Even if you don’t have a lover, your family members and best friends are still lovers, right? In fact, they are people you care about.”

This is classic ZZ. He is so kind to the single people, completely different to how he treated single dogs in 2020. lol. Maybe because he is not in a relationship yet at this time so he can relate and feels for the people who are alone on V-day. However the foreshadowing here is what he said that friends can be lovers. I wonder if he means that he is someone who wants to establish a solid connection and friendship with someone before crossing over to a romantic relationship.

In this timeline, they are casual friends who probably stalk each other on weibo sometimes + talk randomly. they are each other’s “special friend” but never have the time to actually take it a step further. This statement is like coaxing WYB, you might not have someone special this day but you have me, your friend. I care about you. and isn’t that so sweet? That’s what i love about them. They are friends first. No matter how much toxic people try to wash their friendship and twist it to fit their narrative — any sane person could see it. It was undeniable during CQL filming and promotion. It’s such a strong foundation of a romantic relationship and why we think they will last for a very very long time. 💛

021517 - ZZ posts in the secret garden and the time on the notes app is 11:08 ( 8 is Bo ) and you have a star too.

021917 - WYB was stuck recording in Changsha for TTXS and had to stay up till 7:00 AM the next day to finish his work.

Also on the same day, ZZ released a weekly video diary entry where he reminded people to take care of themselves and eat their meals. Since we’re on a cpn route and thinking that Web also watches ZZ’s content, he might have watched this. ZZ knows, so he added that bit in as a reminder. My favorite bit about this vlog tho is he was talking about his Happy Camp episode that just aired and he said hopefully the next time he comes on it will be more fun. Then years later, he does guest on HC with WYB and it was so much FUN. ☺️

Then he posted selfies with a drawing. I really think it’s him that he sketched but people are saying it looks like babie yibo too. Lol.

022017 - Early flight from Changsha to Beijing for Yibo and wore shoes with hand painter doberman on it. For all the lion-association we gave him, especially on the early days, it’s interesting to see how dogs/puppies appear.

022217 - Yibo posts on Weibo with a kadian of 43. This is really an excuse to explain what’s with the number 43. Again, it’s okay if you do not believe in Kadian — I struggle with it too and i’m very selective, but if you enjoy it and love trying to figure out potential hidden meanings then go ahead.

a simple explanation for the number is 43 means "I love you" in the Morse code (Morse code, regardless of the length of the signal point, L is pressed 4 times, u is pressed 3 times. So simple memory, 43 It is LU, which is the abbreviation of loveyou)

however the more romantic and yizhan biased is it’s involvement with the story “The Little Prince” especially the part about watching the sunset 43 times and how it relates to sadness / missing someone. So it’s like when the little prince is sad, he has to watch the sunset 43 times a day, because he misses you and is distressed because you are not around. So 43 means love you for a long time, I hope you will be with me in the future, you will never be alone~

022617 - ZZ posts on weibo saying that he will attend the event for Monster Hunt 2 soon. Then he says “ I want to meet you soon”. This is most probably for his fans but since we’re clowns, we know he is going to Beijing where Bobo is.

030117: Monster Hunt 2 press conference! You know how I can never get over the fact that ZZ’s designated number in x9 is 8. What kind of fate and coincidence is this tbh. He was wearing a ring with a star on it too. He has always loved stars and all the more when he finally met his lonely star.

Also a nice add on, Monster Hunt 2 stars Tony Leung and Bai Baihe. What are the chances that in 2023, Yibo’s movie with Tony will be in cinemas. ZZ on the other hand finished shooting a drama with Bai Baihe.

030217 - ZZ posts on weibo and was posted @ 12:38 , emphasis on the 38 which signifies zan bo. He also captions it with : “Let me give you a spoiler: Even today's hairstyle is in the shape of loving you guys.” because it’s a heart! he is too sweet!!!

030317 - WYB attends Private Shushan Academy press conference and he is wearing GUCCI. lol. This is so weird especially for me who knew Web after this and he was already wearing streetwear brands.

030417 - I wanna add this here cause WYB posted a selfie before starting work @ TTXS and their weibo account comments. This is a clue that the weibo account pays attention and may clown Yibo if they want. It’s a popular CPN that they alluded to Yibo being a fan of XZ after the 3.14 meeting so i’m archiving this moment. An example of the TTXS account loving Bobo.

030517 - On that day WYB flew to Beijing from Changsha, he looked very tired. At 18:06, he posted two selfies on the UNIQ official website , this selfie along with some captures from the airport looks like he was tired. The selfie seemed like it was taken specially for someone. He might have posted these 2 but who knows how many he took and sent others to ZZ.

In the meantime, ZZ also posts on Weibo about him being sick. LOL. how did you two become sick at the same time? 😂😂😂

The words ZZ also used and placed under quotation had the initials of WX = WANG XIAO or you can also assign WANGXIAN to it. Some next level coincidence right there if you ask me.

031217 - At the airport, Web wears a JW anderson striped neck thing ( idk what it’s called ) accessory that ZZ also wore for his X9 photoshoot.

AND FINALLY 03142017, we all know what happened. At the end of the day, ZZ was photographed leaving and WYB posted selfies for White Day. 🌹

There is really something so magical with this day. The moment WYB often answers as the “first time they met” and how it really stuck with him. How ZZ and that moment made an impression on him and vice versa. There is a reason why it’s such a favorite bxg holiday. 🌼 I have removed quite a few individual updates between them that have no cpn connection so this post can remain a candy-biased look into specific incidents.

-END.

P.S : Do not repost this CPN outside of tumblr without a credit to me and a link back to this post. Do not steal my words. Do not screenshot. In short, do not steal content that i made and claim as yours.

[h0wellslide]

Phride 2024: a novel (kind of but not really)

I was always a tomboy growing up, and as a kid growing up in the 2000s, this absolutely made me an outsider. It wasn’t horrible, but the gendered branding of “blue is for boys and pink is for girls” (simply put) was really something that was prevalent in this era. That’s something the TikTok nostalgia bait tends to leave out.

I liked this part about myself, but going to public school in those days made me beat it out of myself. All of my friends were super girly, so I tried to become super girly. My best friend in elementary school was my male neighbor, and people accusing us of dating (from the ages of 7-11, mind you) drove us crazy. We never talked about it, but I think we both knew innately that us dating was never an option, even if we were older.

It was around this time too that my female friends started having crushes on boys. Again, that feeling of being an outsider began creeping in, since I wasn’t having crushes on anyone. So like many queer kids who don’t know they’re queer yet, I picked boys at random. It was harmless—these boys never actually knew about my “crushes” on them—but I think it did some damage to my psyche. The need to fit in was intense and long lasting.

Middle school absolutely made that worse. I moved states, and went from a rural environment to a town where middle schoolers would get paid hundreds of dollars for good grades. With this came kids who wore expensive clothing, always had their hair and makeup immaculately done, and in my mind, fit the perfect feminine stereotype.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression at this time at age 12, and my first major depressive episode lasted about a year and a half. I remember distinctly having the thought, “I might be a lesbian, but I don’t have the energy to unpack that right now,” and pushed into the depths of my brain. To this day, nearly 15 years later, I have absolutely no idea what prompted that thought.

I began growing out my hair, which had always been in a bob that hovered somewhere around my chin. I began experimenting with makeup, wearing dresses and skirts, and associating “Kate” with femininity. I mistook the exhilarating feeling of trying a new form of expression as liking it, when in hindsight, I was cosplaying as a shell of myself, as an alternate reality.

This continued into my freshman year of high school. This year was pivotal for me for a variety of reasons, but mainly because I began to more fully explore the idea that I may be queer. I developed a crush on my best friend in 2014, and to compensate, became outwardly more feminine in order to reconcile with the queerness that was begging to come out. The epitome of this for me was dyeing my hair a hot pink—to me, it was the most stereotypically feminine thing I could do.

I struggled with a specific term for my identity. I took a lot of those “are you gay?” quizzes and read a lot of articles about queer women’s experiences, but I didn’t really find a lot that personally resonated with me. What I struggled with specifically was a feeling of apathy in regards to sexual/romantic relationships with men, and a lot of the WLW experiences posted around that time didn’t seem to mention it. I used the word queer for a long time, partially due to my own internalized lesbophobia, but mostly due to not finding a particular label that fit.

Around 2015, something changed. I cut my hair into a pixie cut so I could march in marching band without having to put my bob into a hairnet, and this seemingly small action sparked something with me in terms of both my gender and sexuality. I admitted to myself that I’m a lesbian at the end of this year, and came out to my family during June of 2016.

My gender identity was still a work in progress, as much as I liked to pretend at the time that it wasn’t. I got sucked into the whole “lesbians can be feminine even if they have a pixie cut!” mentality. My expression of this thought went through various phases—including but not limited to the instagram full face makeup around 2017–but by 2019, I was wearing little to no makeup, and had started exploring more masculine fashion.

I began realizing that I have dysphoria, but I had tricked myself into thinking I wasn’t having it because I didn’t specifically want to transition. I love the way masculine clothing looks on me, but I realized that I didn’t like how my chest looked in shirts. The idea that I could be nonbinary didn’t even occur to me at this point. I just kind of went with the discomfort, and while I don’t recommend this for everyone, it did help me become more comfortable with my body. Rather than pushing down the discomfort I was feeling, I just let it sit, which was surprisingly really effective for how I view my body.

I met my current partner in 2019, and she was the first person I had talked to romantically who was actually attracted to my masculinity, and who actually treated me like a regular person because of it. A lot of the people I was talking to on dating apps immediately started fetishizing me, but my partner has never once decided to fetishize my appearance.

I came out to her as nonbinary in late 2019 after we’d been dating a few months, specifically as agender. I genuinely don’t feel like I would’ve been able to come to this realization without her and her unwavering support. She’s been my rock through it all, and I genuinely am so grateful for her presence in my life.

She supports me so much, in fact, that she stayed with me when I decided to grow my hair back out in 2022 (I say this jokingly, but seriously, the bowl cut phase was bad). I’d realized that at some point, my hair had become a crutch for my masculinity. It got to the point where not having a haircut for a while made me start feeling like I wasn’t myself anymore, and I didn’t want my intrinsic identity to be conditional. I also hadn’t had hair longer than a bob since I was about 15, and I only kept long hair for about two years.

And now, during pride month 2024, I am content. Outwardly, I actually look similar to how I did during my early feminine days—I dress more femininely than I normally would day-to day due to my work’s dress code, I have longer hair, and I go by she/her in familial and professional spaces rather than they/she. It’s taken time for me to be comfortable with this, but I made it there in the end. Not only am I comfortable, but I am happy in how I present myself.

So this begs the question—why not come out as nonbinary?

The short answer is: I don’t want to.

The long answer? I’m seriously not bothered. I’m in a place of privilege, as my family would accept me no matter how I identify. I wouldn’t lose my job or my housing if I came out as nonbinary. This immense privilege keeps me comfortable, but it’s something I try to be constantly reminding myself of.

And frankly, the biggest reason why I haven’t come out publicly as nonbinary is that I don’t want to have to explain yet another facet of my identity to everyone I become close to. There is always the fear of coming out as a lesbian to everyone I meet, not knowing if they are accepting. I have to explain my disability to those who become my friends, and explain that there are certain things I will never be able to do, and that there are certain things that I may be able to do depending on the day. This doesn’t seem like a lot on the surface, but it’s neverending and exhausting.

All in all, I couldn’t be more proud of who I am. It’s been a battle—one I fought mostly alone—but it’s a battle that’s been won. I did, after all, make it through this night.

If you are ever questioning part of your identity and feel like I can help, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Gender and sexuality is confusing, and if my story can help even one person figure out their own, then I’m happy.

[haemosexuality]

memories i have of being a child and a lesbian:

-first week of 3rd grade, i walked in class and thought "ok i need to pick a boy to have a crush on this year". i thought that was just what you did. picked one bc i thought he had a cool haircut, proceeded to never have a conversation w him

-thinking "girls are naturally so much prettier than boys. this is common knowledge"

-being really jealous of the Cool Girl in my 4th grade class that was One Of The Boys. she played football with them. she sat really relaxed in chairs. she doesnt care about being pretty. isnt that just so cool? starts consciously trying to imitate her. also, even before that i always made sure to INSIST that my favorite color was blue and i did NOT like pink!!!!

-playing barbies with my cool, older cousin (she mustve been like 11? 12? i was around 8). her barbie was a mess because she had just broken up with her other barbie. i was confused. she explained to me what lesbians were (i knew men could be gay, but not women). immediately after that every single doll i had was a lesbian in a relationship. after figuring that it was probably a bit weird i was so obsessed with making my dolls lesbians, i came to the conclusion i would "probably like girls when i grow up". decided to tell my other, deeply religious cousin about this. she went "WHAT" and i went "HAHA JUST KIDDING IT WAS A JOKE" and never thought about it again

-a year later me and the deeply religious cousin were making ever after high dolls fuck. i was the one that came up w that idea (i also didnt know women could have sex at that point, i thought i had invented lesbian sex) and this haunted me for years bc i thought that that cousin had become homophobic after we grew up. recently found out shes also gay, good for her

-being just Really obsessed with marceline from adventure time for some reason. whenever i saw her on tv my heart would beat really really fast. wonder whats up w that 🤔

-being grounded for like, 5 months when i was 10 because my mom found out i was watching youtube videos from a lesbian couple. and also some videos with sex jokes. i wish i remembered that the lesbians channel was so bad

-i also watched lubatv. hes a brazilian youtuber famous for being openly gay. he introduced me to the concept of shipping, because ppl shipped him with another youtuber, t3ddy. he (plus facebook, and the cool older cousin from before) also introduced me to social activism

-asking permission from my parents to put a rainbow filter on my facebook pfp, in support of gay people. i thought i was such a good straight ally. i dont remember what happened but i think something negative mustve bc a lot of ppl were doing that in 2015. wait fuck now that i think about it that mightve actually been in 2016 because of pulse

- (we are still in 2015 im still 10) watching clips from Steven Universe Season 1 Episode 53 Jailbreak on youtube. they were (badly) subtitled bc i didnt speak english yet. i was absolutely shocked and could not believe they would show two girls kissing in a childrens cartoons, not bc i thought that was bad but bc i was like. would cartoon network really allow this??? i proceed to memorize the entire episode (again i didnt even speak english. and i watched it so many times i memorized it anyways lmao)

-being 11, and having my friend introduce to me this cool new thing she had found online, "fanfics". she linked me a college au fanfic of marceline and bubblegum from adventure time. it had a fade to black implied sex scene. i was hypnotized

-i was a very anxious child and every morning before getting to school i would prepare step-by-step what i would do when entering class. one day my internal monologue went "walk in, say good morning to teacher, kiss [previously mentioned girl best friend] on the mouth, say hello to- wait. where did that come from". start wondering if i was really Just A Really Good Straight Ally

-few days later, me and my friend group were discussing gay people. one of them asked "like i wonder if any of us are gonna be gay?". i thought for about 2.5 seconds and said "i think im bi", being the first one on my class to come out. they were all p chill ab it. i am not bi but its the thought that counts

-cutting off 30 inches of my really long hair and shaving one side at 11. my dad was mad at me for a week and he told me "i dont understand why you did this. you're looking like a dyke". originally i had planned to cut all of it really short "boy style" but the hairstylist insisted on at the very least letting half of it be longer. i did think half shaved hair was Cool so i was fine with that

[gigabyte-flare]

Oh boy it's brain vomit time!

For some reason I started reminiscing about this person I used to be friends with in the Final Fantasy VII fandom and I know if this makes it onto the feed of some of those still active in the fandom they're going to know exactly who I'm talking about. For the sake of privacy, I will not be dropping names. This is not a callout post, just me reflecting on my life. I first joined Tumblr back in like... 2015 or 2016; I was still recovering from a pretty nasty breakup from 2013 and I needed an outlet for my Sephiroth hyperfixation. At the time I had absolutely zero clue that hyperfixating on fictional characters was completely normal as I had prior friendships that shamed me for that, but that's a story for another time.

This person was one of the first people I became friends with in the fandom and looking back.... yeeeeaaaahhhhh this friendship was not the healthiest. I loved Sephiroth with every fiber of my being yet this person somehow spat on that and said 'hold my beer.' They were utterly obsessed with anything and everything Sephiroth; not just him, but the voice actor that portrayed him at the time as well.

Now, don't get me wrong, George Newbern is a great guy and a great voice actor, not to mention he's been in a ton of roles (one I remember fondly is actually my favorite episode of CSI where he played a dude with chimerism) as well as voicing Superman for many, many years, but this person would quite literally go almost every convention George went on the US West coast.

At first I didn't think anything of it, but it wasn't until they would vehemently insist that I go to some of these conventions that I started to take a step back and give the situation serious side eye. It came to a head in 2019/2020. At this point, I became heavily involved in a community for a popular cosplayer and actually kindled a friendship with them (this particular arc in my life also is a story for another time) and we were both going to a convention and meeting in person for the first time. Needless to say, I was extremely excited to meet them.

Queue my friend though, who insisted that meeting George Newbern was way more important than my cosplayer friend. I was livid, to say the least, but that surprisingly wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back. That honor would go to the recasting of the FFVII characters and my indifference to it.

Oooooooooohhhhhhhh boy... did that upset the friend. They probably would be extremely upset to find out that I actually like Tyler Hoechlin's performance better (he just nails it for me). Heck, I actually like most of the "recast" performances better with the exception of one (Ricky Gomez will always be Zack Fair). This debacle severed our friendship and I didn't talk to them for I think almost three or four years.

At some point, I was deep in my Sephiroth hyperfixation era again and for some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to attempt to rekindle this friendship because I wanted someone to scream about Sephiroth with. I was hoping that maybe, with the amount of time that had gone by, they would have come to their senses and... like... chilled out with their George Newbern obsession.

Yeah no, if anything, it got worse.

So I kinda just... let the friendship die out again which brings us to now. I'm not sure why I randomly started to think about this person, but it came from another string of thought I was having. Yes, Sephiroth is still one of my favorite fictional characters ever and he will always be my 'OG' husband, but when I look at him these days... I dunno it's just different now.

The way I look at it, Sephiroth was the embodiment of my internalized rage. Post 2013 I was angry at the world and everything in it. Cut to Leon Kennedy, my hyperfixation from last year, who I now feel was the embodiment of my healing journey, having gone through some fucked up shit himself, he didn't let that stop him in his mission to help people. Then we cut to Von Lycaon. From what little lore we have of him, he is proof that you can make mistakes, go through some probably fucked up situations and still come out making a better life for yourself and man, do I adore him.

Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you for taking time to read my brain vomit!

[kolbisneat]

MONTHLY MEDIA: June 2023

Summer months here we go! Just wrapped up my time with Zelda so I foresee more reading and tv in my future again. In the meantime, here’s how I spent June!

……….FILM……….

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023) Saw it twice and the first time was very nearly too much to take in. The second viewing was far less overwhelming and still a joy. While it didn’t feel like a complete story following Miles, at least there’s some satisfying conclusion with Gwen. I’m glad part 2 comes out in less than a year. 

Ali Wong: Baby Cobra (2016) Maybe I wasn’t in the right mood or maybe going with one of her older specials wasn’t the right call but I wasn’t really feeling it. I can see hints of overlapping themes that pop up in BEEF (which I loved and why I wanted to watch one of her specials) but that was more interesting than it was funny. Still gonna check out her other specials.

Goldeneye (1995) I have more memories playing the game than watching the movie but still a big fan of this flick. Really great characters and locales and I forgot just how comedic it is. So many one-liners! Always feels a little long at the end but worth it to see Boris’ death scene.

Encanto (2021) Late to seeing this and really great! Beautiful and personal and peak musical songs where characters basically ONLY share their personality through song.

……….TELEVISION……….

Ted Lasso (Episode 3.11 to 3.12) I was really dragging my feet about finishing the series as I found season 3 wasn’t as consistently enjoyable to watch. But those last two eps really stuck the landing. Some beats were expected, some were welcome surprises, and there were so many callbacks that were naturally woven in that I was really impressed. Some of the best from the season (and on par with the rest of the series) and I’m really glad I finished it.

……….YOUTUBE……….

Do "gun buybacks" work? by Vox A really succinct breakdown of how the US can do better, and an honest look at why this needs to be a part of a more complex plan. VIDEO

Agnostic TTRPG Prep Method by Map Crow Really fun way to use all the books that you’re not currently using! Watch the vid and then if you like the process you can pick up the bundle HERE (not affiliated, just a fan). VIDEO

The Station Toronto Needs by RMTransit Hey I’m a big fan of trains and I just found this channel. This was my first introduction to them but I’m keen to watch more. More trains! VIDEO

How Editing Creates Comedies That Make You Cry... by The Editing Podcast Another channel I recently came across and I’m keen to watch more. I know very little about editing but am keen to learn more.  VIDEO

……….READING……….

Bullshit Jobs by David Graeber (Page 7 of 285) Clearly I’ve only just started this (thanks to me dragging my feet on The Righteous Mind) but really excited to dig deeper. The prologue is the original essay that inspired the book and that alone already has so much in it! A really great primer and I wasn’t expecting it to lay a lot of the blame at capitalism’s feet so I think it’s gonna be a great read. 

The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt (Complete) The first time I read this (at a time when the COVID-19 vaccine was just coming out and folks were choosing not to get it) the book really helped me understand the reasoning behind other people’s choices. For that it was really helpful. This time around, with more time and more political moves behind us, I find it glaringly obvious just how out of touch (or conservative-leaning) this book is. There’s a whole section about how the free market and capitalism is good for healthcare. Wild stuff. If you want more in-depth reviews explaining why this didn’t sit right with me this time around, I found Storygraph had a lot of great write-ups (also Storygraph is great if you want an alternative to the amazon-owned Goodreads).

Delicious in Dungeon Vol. 12 by Ryoko Kui (Complete) Listen I sing this series’ praises every time I read a volume and this is no different. Somehow the story, setting, and characters grow while still remaining connected to the main theme of “what if we ate the monsters we fought in an RPG?” It’s truly top-tier and I can’t stress enough that if you like charming, funny, expertly-illustrated comics, you should try out this series.

The Fade Out by Ed Brubaker, Sean Phillips, and Elizabeth Dismang (Complete) Really fun read. Old Hollywood murder mystery with a lot of really nuanced characters. The resolution felt a little abrupt and unsatisfying, but without giving anything away I think it was appropriate. I’m also not sure if it was a stylistic choice but all of the women have different shadows than the men. It feels like they’re living in two different worlds but maybe that’s intentional? Still really great.

……….AUDIO……….

PetroDragonic Apocalypse; or, Dawn of Eternal Night: An Annihilation of Planet Earth and the Beginning of Merciless Damnation by King Gizzard (2023) Loved King Giz’s first foray into metal and this continues that trend. I may not love everything that they do, but I love that they do everything that they do.

……….GAMING……….

Oz: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) The Tuesday Crew is currently up against a young dragon (Dragonette) plaguing a mine (recap HERE) while the Mof1 Crew is divided across Munchkin District and each dealing with their own small crisis. They say never split the party but I think the trouble gets way more interesting when you do.

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (Nintendo) Finally moving on from this after countless hours spent in this world and it’s all bittersweet. Loved the familiar stuff, loved the new stuff, and loved the overall arc of the game. Hopefully the next game in the series goes back to something smaller and focused.

And that’s it. See you in July!

[aliesawaheeda]

Why do you ship lukagami

I really like both of the characters heck they're still my top favorite character despite I don't enjoy watching Miraculous anymore. I always have been quite positive about them since they were first announced (I've been in this fandom since 2016) even welcoming the upcoming rival ships from those two as much to the dismay of other fans at the time.

I didn't think to ship them although I reblog a few awesome Lukagami fanart available as I really like the two characters so much. Here's the first Lukagami fanart I reblog. I began shipping those two together when Frozer came. Sure that episode didn't have them interact with each other at all (holy crap I can't believe we had to wait for 4 years to have them actually talk to each other in season 5 which is unbelievable :/ ) but them being good ice skaters really started up my shipping brain and realizing the appeal of this ship especially when this post simply points out the contrasting personality between the two, I was on board. On top a few fanarts of the two especially this from the same artist of my first reblog and this!

Honestly, I don't think I would be super into this ship if it weren't for these two artists, @/15megapixels and at Instagram lilbeanie.artz / smol_bee.doodles that had created many contents for this rare pair especially the former. Here's my favorite art from 15megapixels (a picture of only their hand linking each other is quite touching for me which reminds me of that popular ladynoir hand holdings fanart and the caption related to S4 Truth and Lies) while this comic from lilbeanie.artz is my fav overall because I like it revolved around "second chance" which is one of the few things that specific phrase connects to both characters. The artist also created a Lukagami Bad Little Boy animatic which is awesome to see and should be checked out.

I began doing more Lukagami fanart of my own (unfortunately you can't find it here as I had deleted my old art account and restarted a new one due to the blog for some reason getting shadow banned) until 2020 when my interest shifts to another fandom. Not as great as the previous two artists because I'm quite a rookie in drawing but still it does inspire me to make content of my ships. Hence why I do have such fondness for this pair. They had been the first ship that fuels and explore my creativity which I didn't realize until my late teens.

I'm not going to list out the reason and appeals for this ship as this post is already too long but most of the posts I've seen listing out the reasons, I most likely agree with their points, and makes much more sense in my personal opinion than the canon ship they went for Kagami. I hope if there's a reboot for this show, the future writers see this ship's potential.

[fecklessgreebobastard]

all I can recall from my first manic episode: a post therapy session catharsis

CW: brutal honesty about bipolar disorder, depression, mania and psychosis. think prozac nation.

the hardest question to answer is ‘describe your manic episodes’. it’s not that everything has faded into obscurity, i can remember the sequence of events just well enough to recount it. but it wasn’t me who noticed the abnormalities, more those around me. like all of the mania that followed. the first was my dad, he noticed that something was off, that my eyes dilated and that i talked with a sense of reassurance unknown to my personality. to me, it just felt like things slowly warped and shifted ever so slightly until fantasy was the new normal. the frame tilting over time. like a swimming pool that’s freezing when you jump in but you slowly adjust to the temperature.

the timeline changed in 2016. something that i feel like happened to the whole world and not just myself, although i’m not a reliable narrator. we collectively became more polarised. the US election. cringe compilations. rise of the alt right. an arms race of words on apps that we used to post our coffee on. pokémon go. dat boi. regardless, something definitely shifted for me, and things have never felt quite the same since. grappling with new lenses that weren’t rose coloured.

i was already on the camhs waiting list. that spring, a girl in my class who i’d known since childhood asked me ‘are you depressed?’ she had recently taken a year out because she was. i said i didn’t know. my grandpa had just died and the melancholy that had silently consumed me for years was getting harder to conceal. i came home and told my mum, my lips were still too sealed for the whole truth but it seemed to do the job at opening up.

summer 2016. fire island. it was a family trip. i would spend most nights scribbling disordered thoughts into my journal. it felt like my only friend that summer was that little black leather notebook and the late amy winehouse. i would stay up all night watching her on youtube and feeling like we had some parasocial connection. i addressed my diary to her for a while. i remember squeezing a stone to the point it drew blood in the palm of my hand most days. because nothing felt real and i needed something to feel real. to bring me back. a splash of cool water. i’d walk down beaches in the blazing american summer which should’ve made a brit like me sweat. but i did not feel the heat. completely disconnected from the outside world. all i would be thinking about was converting to judaism so my life would have some meaning. ruminating. obsessing. obsessing again and again. an erratic grasp to pull myself out the trench.

things came to a head in september. one night i completely broke down, malfunctioned to my parents about how much i had come to resent the life i lived. my dad played me lou reed’s berlin. after that night, i only left my bed to get four teeth removed, they said i was brave, something i was getting too used to. i stopped going to school. catatonic for months. the first of many. camhs weren’t much help, i told the psychiatrist that i only lived for fear of disappointing people. she looked like i had grown devil horns and left the room in terror. i think she thought i was beyond her level of expertise.

eventually i got a script of fluoxetine so i would leave my bed. i felt relieved. like it was gonna make things better. but i was so so wrong. around that time i had bought a typewriter in camden market. the writing i did in my depression was disturbing, but coherent. i remember a detailed and morbid description of everyone’s individual reactions if i died. after i took the pills, these pieces of writing would become less and less coherent. random letters smashed in. a pastiche of beat poetry with zero intention.

my band had a gig. i was playing bass. dad took a photo that made my nerdy fourteen year old self look a little like sid vicious. i think it was the dead eyes, the indignant scowl on my face. ‘one day, i’ll be up on stage on glastonbury, headlining, and they’ll all regret how they treated me’. this statement seemed so blasé in the moment i said it but i came to find out that the newfound arrogance was a red flag. i thought i was the reincarnation of ziggy stardust. someone who never even existed. bought bird skeletons off the internet. stopped sleeping.

in my mind, nothing was real. i crashed into solipsism. believing the world was nothing more than an illusion. a development from squeezing rocks. i remember seeing tears run down my dad’s face as he tried to convince me of reality. i thought that i was invincible but i didn’t know for sure and assumed the only way to prove it was to jump in front of a car or cut a body part off like van gogh. ‘something isn’t right’. and i couldn’t even tell.

one morning, my parents found me after a night of no sleep. in the kitchen at 5am. i was hunched over the stove, attempting to make a lava lamp using oil. some weird scheme i immediately needed to follow through on. they bundled me in the car and drove to camhs. i have zero recollection of what i said in the appointment but i remember the psychiatrist telling me ‘we think you have bipolar disorder, we’re going to start you on an anti psychotic’. i burst into tears, screaming that this was the most creative i had ever been and they were gonna take that away from me, unaware that i would go on to write better songs. she told me that i was not these people i idolised. i was not brain jones. i was not amy winehouse. that i could live longer than both combined if i got the right help. i kicked and screamed, yet three days later i was fainting in the shower after my first dose of aripiprazole. i had to miss the pierce the veil gig that night.

the year is 2024. i am 21 years old. i have just finished telling the bits and pieces that i can recall to my shrink. i come back to the room but i am not all there. ‘can you feel your feet? the way they’re touching the ground. are they hot or cold?’ she says. whiteboard. light switch. computer monitor. clock. and a green chair. five things i can see. the dissociation is still there but not thumping. it is no longer the pirate that controls the helm. she tells me ‘say out loud that you are safe here’. ‘i am safe here’. and today i choose to believe i am. i want to believe i am.