#stupid crackfic

[psalacanthea]

Fleeing the noise and chaos in the cottage behind him, Fenris shoved his book under his arm and started stalking up the path to town.  This morning already seemed beyond saving, and it had barely just begun.  Things could only get worse, he supposed, as they so often did.  

The twittering of the birds, the babbling of the brook as he crossed over the bridge, all of it seemed particularly designed to worsen his mood.  As he headed into town, he could hear a faint explosion behind him, and he picked up his pace.  Distance could free him from the disaster behind him.

Everyone was calling greetings as he wandered into town, even the insufferably Orlesian cobbler.  He suffered through them stoically, trudging along.  Why was everyone in Kirkwall so cheerful? What did they have to be cheerful about?  

Didn't they know they were in Kirkwall?

“Good morning, Fenris!”  the baker greeted him as he passed, and he rolled his eyes.  “Off to the book shop again?”

Did the fool not see that he was holding a book?

“No,”  He replied sarcastically, and then continued on his way.  Nosy bastard.

He could hear people gossiping about him as he skulked up the street, not at all to his surprise.  Why couldn't anyone in this damn place mind their own business?  Why couldn’t they speak instead of sing?

Who cared about the price of eggs?

The door of the bookstore chimed as he pushed it open, slumping in and enduring the cheerful greeting of the proprietor.  The man supplied him with books, and for that alone he would endure the chipper attitude.

“I came to return the book that I borrowed,” he informed the proprietor brusquely, offering it back over.

“Finished already?”

“I had nothing better to do,” he responded simply, turning to the shelf to examine the selection. Every single one he'd read several times, it felt like.  “Do you have anything new?”

“Not since yesterday!”  The man laughed, and Fenris gritted his teeth.

“Fine.  Then I will borrow this one,” he decided, pulling a thick tome down from the shelf.  Long enough to get him through today, hopefully.

“That one?  But you've read it twice!”  

He felt his eye twitch.  Don't snap at the old fool.  This was a store, and he let you borrow the books. Don't antagonize the man.

“Yes.  It must be my favourite,” he finally replied with discreet sarcasm.

“Well, if you like it that much, it's yours!” he insisted, glasses sliding down his nose.

Lovely, charity.  He wanted to refuse, but he knew that it would do no good.

“Thank you,” he replied grudgingly, and then stalked out of the shop before he could try to resume conversation.  If he was lucky, he'd be able to find some peace to read for a while.

A herd of animals was blocking the thoroughfare through town, one of the idiotic sheep trying to bite his book.  Luckily, a punch in the nose managed to dissuade it.  He left it bleating in pain and continued on his way.

...

“Hey, nice shot,” Varric commented with a chuckle as Hawke downed a duck.  “But do you think the middle of town's a great place to be hunting?  You could shoot someone, you know.”

“Yes, I know,” she replied lazily, slinging the gun over her shoulder and sauntering over to join him. “But I won't, because I'm the best hunter in town.  No beast alive stands a chance against me.  And no girl, for that matter.”

“Yeah, okay, sure,” Varric replied sarcastically, and then added, “But still, you really shouldn't be firing a gun in the middle of town.”

“It's true, Varric,” Hawke continued, completely ignoring his utterly valid point.  “And I've got my sights set on that one.”

She pointed across the square at a skulking, irritable looking elf with his nose in a book, gloomily ignoring people as they tried to talk to him.

“Er...he's...”

“The crazy old man's daughter.”

“Hawke, that's a man.”

“Same thing,” Hawke said dismissively, flipping a hand through her hair.  

Varric opened his mouth, and then closed it.  

“He's the one.  He's the lucky girl I'm going to marry.”

“Still not a girl, Hawke.”

“He's the most beautiful girl in town.”

Why was he still talking?  Hawke could have this conversation all by herself, really.  Varric just sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.  Maker save him.

“That makes him the best.  And don't I deserve the best?”  He could feel her gimlet stare on him, and barely avoided rolling his eyes.  Why did he hang out with this knucklehead?

“Sure, Hawke, sure.”

“Just watch, I'm going to make Fenris my wife,” she informed Varric, nodding her head firmly and striding off to catch up with the elf.

“...That's still a man, Hawke,” Varric sighed under his breath, watching her walk away.

...

“Hello, Fenris.”

The boisterous, cheerful voice boomed down at him, and he glanced up at the grinning face of Marian Hawke. Lovely.  Just when he thought this day couldn't get any worse.

He sighed, moving to try and step around her.  As he did, she snatched the book out of his hands, examining it with disgust, flipping through it.

“Hawke, give me my damn book back,” he growled, as she sneered at the pages.

“How can you read this?  There aren't even any pictures!”  

“Give me my book back,” he repeated.  He wasn't going to educate the dolt, obviously schooling hadn't done her any favors.

“Fenris...”  She threw the book over her shoulder into some mud.  He felt his eye twitch. “It's about time you got your head out of those books and started paying attention to more important things.  Like me.”

She was getting wound up for a speech, it seemed.  Wonderful.  Growling under his breath, he stepped around her and leaned down to rescue his book, wiping off the cover.

“The whole town's talking...”

“Hawke,” he interrupted, icily. “I have ripped the hearts out of men's chests for less insult than you have given me in the last two minutes.”

She fell silent, staring at him, and he turned on a heel to stride off.  He had to get home, after all.  If he was gone too long, the old man would probably destroy the entire town.  That was feeling like less and less of a bad thing.

Behind him, Hawke stared, hands going to her mouth, cheeks red.  Varric squinted up at her.

“I am going to marry that man,” she whispered, voice awed.

...

There was a loud bang from the cottage in the distance, and smoke poured out of the windows.  Fenris didn't bother picking up the pace.  If he was lucky, maybe the old man had blown himself up this time.  He could hope, at least.

Reaching the cottage at last, he headed for the cellar workshop, throwing open the doors with a cloud of ash and smoke, and then pacing down the stairs.  His father was sprawled out on the floor, covered in soot and seeming dazed.

“What did you do this time?” he asked impatiently.  

“I believe...”  Solas started, struggling to his feet, blinking rapidly, “that I may be on the verge of abandoning this line of work.”

“If only.  Somehow, I doubt it,” Fenris sniped back.  He turned his attention to the complicated-looking mess of a machine as Solas kicked it.

“I am quite certain this time.  This device is simply too flawed to function as I need it to.  I will bring down the veil.”

“You said that about the last one, and it nearly functioned in the end.  You'll destroy the world sooner or later.”  He hadn't meant to be reassuring, but he looked so damn dejected.  Besides, every time he gave up on one of these things, he spent far too much time pestering Fenris.  Better to keep him occupied.

“Do you truly believe that?”  Solas asked hopefully.

“Sure.”  

“Well!  Why wait any longer?  I will have it fixed in no time at all!”  With renewed enthusiasm, Solas turned back to his machine, gesturing vaguely.  “Please hand me the arulin'holm.”

“Get it yourself,” Fenris replied, moving to find a chair, sticking his nose back in his book.  

[kingsnake101]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, Linked Universe - Fandom Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Four & Hyrule & Legend & Sky & Time & Twilight & Warriors & Wild & Wind (Linked Universe), Four & Warriors (Linked Universe) Characters: Four (Linked Universe), Yiga Clan (Legend of Zelda), Warriors (Linked Universe), the others might join at some point Additional Tags: Minish Four (Linked Universe), Crack, Kidnapping, Misunderstandings, Four (Linked Universe)-centric, Yiga!Four, Kinda, Master Banana Summary:

When Four, stuck in his minish form, is dropped into the middle of the Yiga clan's base, he fears the worst. He would have never expected to be named a messenger of Ganon by the clan's leader. But there he was, forced to play the part of Master Banana until his brothers found him. He hoped they would soon. He was getting really tired of bananas.

I have a bunch (haha) of ideas for this. I might even make a oneshot book, who knows :>

This is somewhat of a simpler version, I have another idea that involves Twilight/Wolfie that I’ll put under the cut.

So Four keeps trying to get out, but the Yiga keep a close eye on him and he never gets to leave. In this version, either the Yiga know sign or they all learn it because it is the “language of ganon”. Eventually, he convinces them to let him go on a mission.

When he’s on the mission, he runs into the chain. He doesn’t want to blow his cover just in case, so he throws himself at Twilight/Wolfie. Wolfie can understand him, and he tells him “its me smithy I need you to kidnap me” and throws himself into Wolfie’s mouth. Twilight is confused but goes along with it

Twi and Four get captured and brought back to the base. In a last ditch effort to save Twilight, Four tells them “uhhh ganon is telling me that this beast will become my servant! He is lending me his power!” He starts telling Twi the plan in minish speak (which the yiga think is ganon’s language because of course they do). Twi even uses some twilight magic to create little wispy bits. So now they’re both stuck in the Yiga base, and Twi has to pretend to be under Four’s control. Four also tells them that Twi can’t eat bananas because “he doesnt deserve them” (he doesn’t want Twi to suffer like he has the past 2 months). Four doesn’t know if he can eat the dubious meat they give to Twi, but he will try if it means he gets to eat anything that isn’t bananas.

Thank you for listening to my rant about stupid au :>

If anyone wants to use this idea, I would love that! Just tag me so I can see it :D

[munacy]

Anticipation

@wolfstarmicrofic

A continuation for @stars-a-n-d-scars Part 1 (ignorance) Part 2 (duck)

There is no way this plan can go wrong. It was concocted by the ingenious James F. Potter himself, and James F. Potter does not fail, as a general rule.

"All we have to do, Wormy, is come up with a list of things that gay blokes like, and see if Remus likes those things too!"

Peter's eyes become as round as Galleons. "That's genius, Prongs!"

James is aware.

"Okay, so what goes on the list then?" Peter asks eagerly.

Well, alright, he's not thought that far.

"Hell, I dunno, Peter. How did we know with Sirius?"

"You mean besides the fact that he follows Remus around like a...well, like a puppy dog?"

"No, you're right, Sirius was too easy," James agrees grimly. Then he sighs. "Well, s'not like I'm some authority on queer culture; I've never fancied a bloke before!"

"...Not once?" Peter says slyly.

James tenses.

"...And just what are you implying?"

"That I know that you've given Regulus Black's bare arse a good peek in the lockers--"

"I WAS NOT CHECKING HIM OUT, YOU CRETIN! I WAS TRYING TO SEE IF HE HAS THE SAME BIRTHMARK AS SIRIUS!!--"

"--Okay, not helping your case even a little--"

"--AND I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE, YOU BASTARD!!"

-----------------

The following morning, they decide to wing it. Winging things has worked out well for them in the past, and the timing could not be better, as Madame Pomfrey has decided to keep Sirius in the Hospital Wing until she rules out a few magical maladies (although, not once has she let James skive off after being lovesick over Lily, which is a genuine illness). It's not often that they can get Remus alone without Sirius attached like a limpet.

"Watch this," Peter hisses, holding a peach in one hand and a banana in the other. "Gay blokes love bananas."

"By Merlin, Peter, I'm beginning to suspect there's a genius hidden under all of that blue-eyed naivety."

Peter makes a pleased expression before turning to Remus at the breakfast table. "Oi, Moony, I've grabbed two fruit, one for you, one for me. Which one would you like?"

Remus barely looks up from his book before selecting the banana with a muttered "thanks".

James and Peter share a look of unbridled glee, then turn to stare at Remus as he chomps away at the benign yellow fruit. His amber eyes finally drift up to meet their combined intense gaze, and he swallows, looking uncomfortable.

"Are you two alright?...You're sort of being… really weird, right now."

James breathes out a bit shakily. "You really like bananas, don't you, Moony," he says unblinkingly.

"Erm...No, not really. Actually hate 'em,” Remus scowls, clearly disturbed by their laser-focused attention.

"What!? Why did you pick it over the peach, then, why?!" cries Peter melodramatically and clawing the air with his hands.

"Because!" Remus yells back, brows furrowing with increasing bewilderment, "Pomfrey wants me to try to get more potassium in! Says it might help with the cramps around the full!"

He looks between James' and Peter's inexplicably devastated expressions, and scoffs, picking up his tray and leaving to go sit with Lily Evans and Mary Macdonald.

"Fuck," James moans.

-----------------

"Okay, okay, this is a sure thing," James mutters at rapid-fire. "Gay blokes love ABBA."

"Brilliant," Peter nods, face open and trusting.

"Quick! I hear him coming!"

As Remus enters the dormitory to exchange his Arithmancy book for Ancient Runes, his eardrums are viciously assaulted with the bouncy strains of "Dancing Queen", blasting from their record player with enough magically-enhanced volume to rattle the window pane.

OOH, YOU CAN DANCE!

"WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS!"

YOU CAN JIVE!

"ISN'T IT WONDERFUL!" screams James.

HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!

"IT MAKES ME FEEL MY DEEP INSIDE FEELINGS ON THE OUTSIDE!" howls Peter.

OOOH, SEE THAT GIRL--

Remus casts a wordless spell that goes off with a bang, bringing the record player to a tenth of the volume.

"I fucking hate disco," he growls, storming out of the dorm and slamming the door on his way out.

Peter sighs. "Prongs, maybe he just isn't bent? Wouldn't that be such a shame for poor old--"

"PETE! P-Pete, mate, your foot!"

Peter looks down at his traitorous foot, tapping along—completely of its own accord—to ABBA. "Fuck!" he wails. "It's too catchy!"

-----------------

They have one last idea, but neither of them is enthusiastic about it.

"It's got to be you, Prongs," Peter whimpers panickily, "I haven't got the pectorals!"

And Peter, unfortunately, has never been so right.

But what if Remus falls in love with me instead? He's bound to! Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose? Poor Padfoot, he'd be so devastated.

"Don't think about the ramifications just now," Peter interrupts his internal monologue, snapping his fingers in front of his friend's gold-rimmed spectacles. "We've got no choice, Jamie. At this point, it's embarrassing we haven't been able to figure out this very basic thing about our best mate."

James nods reluctantly.

Into the breach.

That late afternoon finds James, alone in the dorm, exiting a gratuitously steamy shower once he hears that snick of the dormitory door shutting, signaling that Remus has returned from Charms Club.

Took the wanker long enough, I'm all pruney now.

"Oh, Reeemuuus!" James calls in a purr, very loosely wrapping a towel around his hips. "Could you come here a second?"

The door opens tentatively.

"Christ, Prongs, it's like a rainforest in here. How long did you shower for?" Remus accuses, his unruly tawny curls already protesting against the humidity. "And why are you showering in the middle of the day?"

James waits until Remus finally makes eye contact with him to take a few slow, deliberate steps closer, looking up at Remus (damn, but the boy just keeps shooting up) from under his dark lashes.

"And...when do you like to take long showers, Remus?" he murmurs.

"Eh? I dunno, sometimes I like to take a hot bath or two after the full." Remus' brows furrow in concern. "You feeling alright, Prongs? Maybe you've got whatever Padfoot has. Where is Padfoot, anyway?"

James steps ever closer. He could touch Remus. He's about to touch Remus. HIs mouth goes oddly dry with anticipation.

"Don't worry about Sirius. Worry about me for a second," he whispers.

Remus' intense golden eyes finally break their gaze as they subtly flick up and down James' body.

"Oh, is that why you called me in here?"

Gotcha, you lovely, queer bastard.

"Why, yes, Remus, I'm dying for you to--"

An exasperated sigh and eyeroll interrupt what would have been a surefire seduction.

"As I've told you nigh on a hundred times, Prongs, wizards don't get skin cancer. That mole on your lower back looks perfectly normal, as I've already said, and I'm not going to look at it again!"

James can only gape at Remus.

He tuts. "I don't have time for this; you're literally fine. I'm going to see if Pads is still in the Hospital Wing."

Remus exits in a whirl, leaving James reeling in the bathroom--wet, humiliated, and, if he's being completely honest with himself, just the tiniest bit aroused.

-----------------

"James! James!" Peter bursts into the dormitory with Sirius in tow, moments after James has gotten clothes back on. "Padfoot's out of the Hospital Wing and I've informed him of our mission!"

"Right, mate," Sirius follows breathlessly. "You lot are trying to figure out if Moony's gay, then?"

James moans and put his head in his hands. He feels this close to unraveling. "We've been trying to figure it out all day!"

"Really?? What have you tried?" prompts Sirius eagerly.

"POTASSIUM!" shouts James incoherently.

"Erm--"

"Disco, too, louder than eruption of Krakatoa," interjects Peter mournfully.

"Great--" James suppresses a sob--"Great, rock hard pectorals. Prize-winning pectorals. Boy's unflappable. I have no idea."

Sirius purses his lips, clearly between seeking clarification on the gibberish they've spouted and slapping them both silly. Fortunately for all involved parties, he does neither.

"Lads. Here's an idea. Why don't we just ask him?"

-----------------

Thanks to those of you that have stuck around! <3

Part 4: Thirst

[spider-silk]

sure I’ll make another astarion post I’m not gonna even pretend to be normal about this man

Idk how many of y’all will understand the bone deep disappointment I felt when I went to ao3 and saw the sheer volume of smut on it.

Don’t get me wrong I love and support smut writers and don’t think ppl are wrong for writing about him. But I go through page after page after page after page of smutty PWP one shots and it’s just like :(

[suwunnysideup]

i’ve come up with a vague fanfic idea but it has such a weird concept that idk how well it’d work lmao

[confusedpandabear]

I have this headcanon for my fic To Even the Odds that Clive is also terrible at texting and doesn't know what many of the acronyms like 'BRB' and 'TTYL' mean.

When they (finally) get together, Jill would send him a lovey dovey text (like her missives in the game) and he'd just reply 'LOL' thinking it meant 'Lots of Love’ and it makes Jill question her life choices.

[juuuuunaaaaaooooo]

Brio - Beanie Or Not Beanie (Ao3 -Os)

English Version

Version Française

[bi-demon-ium]

Five times one of the kids asked one of the twins about their age and one time one of them told the truth.

[shapeshifterraccoon]

dreams are so funny because I will wake up feeling amazing and being like "this was the best plot in all of human history and no film, book or fanfiction will ever even come close. revolutionary" and then I try to tell someone about it and it slowly dawns on me that "Phineas and Ferb were making spaghetti and everyone in the entire city wanted some and I was handing out tickets for it and then I remembered I was the joker and wanted to make a scene and go crazy but then I remembered that I had already known that I was the joker and had made the decision to pretend I wasn't. also for a brief moment I turned into the lego version of joker" is not, in fact, the best storyline to ever exist

[thor-is-trans-and-pan-he-told-me]

MY FIRST NIMONA FANFIC HAS 3000 HITS HOLY SHIT

[aurevell]

a badge for everything

Sterek | 11k | T AU-gust Prompt 13: Reboot/Fresh Start

Stiles Stilinski is the only loser left in a pack full of wolves who’d do anything to leave their loser days behind. (Everything’s the same, but Stiles is a boy scout. That’s it. That’s the story.)

Read on AO3

[jupiterjunebug]

Comments on tool academy making me giggle bc ive a) got enough prewritten i forget exactly WHAT insane shit has occurred and therefore i have to keep referencing my notes and then i always go ohhhhh haha i thought this was abt what i just typed 20 min ago and b) truly cannot describe how much every single plotline will become more batshit in way you cannot predict no way in hell i know this bc i sometimes lie awake at night going "did i...really put that in the outline????"

[osomatsusanki]

prison guard tsukasa and inmate rui. what's his crime

[scolek]

its ok HiMERU is unfuckable because HiMERU fucks HiMERU daily

what does that mean. there are technically two himerus but theyre half brothers so they Cannot. also given kanames current state they also Cannot.

do you mean himeru. masturbates? does not strike me as the type of guy to have a daily appointment with his own hand. probably a lot more sporadic. if he lets himself at all.

or is the fucking metaphorical. like fucks over. as messed up as the whole situation is i think himeru is doing a good job preserving himerus life and legacy and himeru is a really interesting character. im not himeru-pilled or anything like some people but i like him. hes neat.

anon im trying i really am but theres too much up in the air to riff off.

[dragon-chica]

someday I am going to rewatch Falling Skies and refurbish and finish writing a fic I started in 2015 that's still in the back of my head.

[confusedpandabear]

Chapters: 7/? ~ “Lots of Love” Fandom: Final Fantasy XVI Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Clive Rosfield/Jill Warrick, Dion Lesage/Terence, Clive Rosfield & Jill Warrick, Gav & Clive Rosfield, Clive Rosfield & Joshua Rosfield, Dion Lesage & Clive Rosfield, Dion Lesage & Joshua Rosfield, Gav & Joshua Rosfield Characters: Clive Rosfield, Jill Warrick, Dion Lesage, Joshua Rosfield, Gav (Final Fantasy XVI), Tarja (Final Fantasy XVI), Midadol Telamon, Elwin Rosfield, Byron Rosfield, Cidolfus Telamon Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, One Shot Collection, Embedded Images, Text Icons, Fluff and Crack, But mainly crack, Boys Will Be Boys, Established Relationship, Finally, Team One Brain Cell at it again, I have way too much fun making these

Summary: Spin-off series of my Modern/Boarding school AU crackfic, To Even the Odds. Nothing else but stupid text messages and group chats that take place during or after the end of the story.

So yeah, you better go read that first otherwise none of this will make sense lol.