#sunday has its reasons

[milksnake-tea]

sometimes i think about the way sunday is 100% fine with doing fucked up things as long as he thinks the people he’s doing those things to deserve them

[moeblob]

sobbing at every heart event ...

[h0t-p1nk-ch33tah-pr1nt]

Another job cherry has is working at a thrift store, idk if I brought this up but she's a collector, her manager is a lil old lady and she let's cherry take home what she wants if she is doing well on her job or keeping the store afloat

Logan doesn't rlly come by that often, if this is pre-dating he doesn't have room for objects bc of Wade and al, mostly buying the necessities, like clothes and soap, when they get a little more friendly, she starts to pack him up toothbrushes and food, yk

She knows he can get them, but she has so much already why not give a whole paper bag worth of stuff.

[uwanosorade]

its so fuckign cold in here

[macroglossus]

holy christ i almost passed out in the shower like my vision fully went black

[time-is-restored]

73 yards thoughts

now that ive had a night to sleep on it, and read everyone's thoughts, im rewatching the episode to see if i can come to a more definite opinion about the episode (though that's perhaps against the spirit of the thing, lol!)

so a few moments that stood out for me that i don't think have already been talked about a lot:

when mrs twist shows up on the mountain, and ruby is giving her messages to pass along to the woman, she wants to say sorry. when mrs twist asks 'what for?' ruby looks genuinely thrown + upset, and eventually says '...i don't know.' since the woman/curse that haunts ruby is functionally an externalisation of ruby's deep seated sense that there is something fundamentally wrong with her, i think this interaction was super poignant. ruby 'knows' that she's done something that she needs to apologise for in the same way that she 'knows' there is something wrong with her that will make people react with fear + anger. there's no proof, no clear flaw or mistake that she can point to, because that's the point. the woman isn't saying anything specific -- there's nothing to say. noticing her (noticing a part of ruby that has a perception filter on it -- that is hard to see until you get close) just means that you see in ruby what ruby sees in herself. she is afraid that people will 'discover' whatever is wrong with her, and she'll lose them forever.

relevant to this is the fact that ruby didn't actually break the circle. if reading the messages is what summoned the woman in universe, then sure, she has culpability for that. but if it was breaking the circle, she had to live with the consequences of someone else's actions, and feeling guilt for something she didn't do. while im less confident with this reading, you could argue this is an allegory for her being given away. ultimately, that decision had nothing to do with her. she was literally a baby lmao. the idea that there's something wrong with her bc of her mother's decision is illogical -- doesn't follow reality, just like magic. she's spending her life trying to make up for a mistake she hasn't made (and, honestly, probably wasn't made. we don't know anything about her birth mother -- its more than likely that she wasn't fit to be a parent to ruby, no matter how human or supernatural the reasons for that were. but the facts of the situation don't matter here, in this liminal space. guilt and fear and shame bleed through the gaps. ruby could arguably be 'the spiteful one' the pub laugh about. she thinks she needs to be punished for something, and so the woman punishes her.)

following along this line, we know that ruby genuinely doesn't know what might have caused the woman to appear. she suggests trespassing, or breaking the circle, and gets the idea that reading the notes might have been wrong from the pub, but she never finds out for sure. unit doesn't know, or at least doesn't have the chance to tell her. the lack of closure ties in really well -- ruby has to carry a trauma that, even as she comes to terms with it, she can never truly explain or understand. even the partial amnesia at the end of the episode can be read as a sort of 'the body remembers what the mind forgets'. some part of her knows something terrible has happened, something that scarred her and left her alone for an immense amount of time (even if that time, in a literal sense, was undone), but she won't be able to put words to it. it seems that self acceptance - literally opening her arms to this *thing* that has haunted her her whole life,

now for some more rambly thoughts/things im still confused about

i genuinely think if not for the single shot of the episode reversing and old ruby now standing with her arms out on the cliff, i would have no problems with the themes of this episode. it was a powerful representation of rejection and fear that genuinely freaked me out (ruby running after her stone-faced mother while crying BROKE me), and i think it was a great character study of ruby. like others have said -- how many people would have stuck it out for that long? how many people would have never resented/blamed the doctor (or anyone, really) for leaving? and how many of THEM would've come to find a sense of companionship with their spectre?. ...however.

i can not wrap my head around the shot where time reverses and old ruby is looking out from the pov of the woman. it completely breaks my brain. i know at a certain point i should just accept that the woman can do whatever the story needs her to do, but there was nothing about time travel up to that point. it was all about physical and psychological boundaries. more than that, there was no indication that ruby was trying to make up for what had gone wrong. she didn't try and fix the circle, she didn't try and communicate with the woman at all beyond her first failed apology. on its own, i like this -- ruby becomes resentful of the woman quite quickly, which tracks as an expression of her poor self esteem. why would she try and get in the good graces of someone she rejects + dislikes? and again, i LIKE that she eventually treats her as a companion. all ruby has is herself, and she can never leave herself. getting to a point where she doesn't want the woman to go away, where she doesn't feel lonely while alone -- it makes sense that that is what heals the riff. i can write all that out in a way that makes sense to me. ruby makes a mistake (or witnesses a mistake) that makes the doctor disappear. she rejects herself, and in this liminal space, the part that she rejects manifests into reality. it haunts her for the rest of her life, even as she begins to wield what she thinks it says about her (that she's unloveable) to her advantage. when she accepts it, and integrates it back into herself, she is able to speak clearly to herself -- what she is thinking makes it across to young!ruby. when ruby thinks about the situation without the influence of self hate, she realises that the problem was the doctor's actions, not her own. she gets the message across, the doctor doesn't disappear, and the cycle never starts. the loop closes.

but. she wasn't one with the woman the whole time! if she was, the doctor would have never stepped on the circle -- the loop couldn't start, and so it wouldn't need to be closed. like, i know that we do a lot of paradoxes in this show and sometimes things are just gonna be Weird. but to me it's like if, in turn left, donna died in an unrelated car crash, then ended up back in time anyway. so why, if ruby has apparently accepted the woman by the time she visits the tardis for the last time, does the show bother with taking us back to the hospital and seeing old!ruby flatline? why doesn't the old woman come to her there, in that moment, so old!ruby is reaching across time but not space? if i squint, i could make an argument for the death. ruby's understanding of herself dies so a new, more accepting one can be born -- and obviously the timeline would fade away in the moment the loop is closed. but that's not what happens. old!ruby chooses hope and accepts herself, THEN goes back to the hospital, dies, then travels back to the past through time AND space (somehow, sure, i'll just accept the woman can do that), then communicates the message, then fades away. what changed between the visit to the tardis and her death? what do those few minutes possibly add other than the 'ive never been alone' line, which could've easily been written into the talk on the cliff? hell, she could've passed away right there on the cliff, if that needed to happen! but no matter how i twist it i can't understand why the old woman looked the same as it did before old!ruby merged with her, behaved + moved the same, and physically manifested when none of the criteria for its appearance had yet been met. im almost certainly overthinking it -- i can map everything else from this episode onto a psychological exploration of ruby and her fear. maybe the episode is saying that the woman was always there (at least to ruby), and old!ruby's self acceptance is what let the message get through??? but fuck i hate that she looks the same!!!! aghghhhghg! what changed! what changed! it looks like nothing changeddddd!!!!! <- deranged. they merged, there should be a sign of that beyond her hands being mirrored with ruby's.

tldr. if i could change anything about the ending of the episode, i'd take it in one of two ways. either have ruby merge with the woman while on the cliff and have ruby say something like 'now, what were you (or i) trying to tell me?' before cutting to the new timeline, or have the woman post merge look like old (or young!) ruby. she couldn't be seen because she was unknowable and (bc of ruby's schema) unloveable, so ruby conjured a generic older woman (possibly drawing from mother issues -- had to be someone at minimum old enough to be her bio mum). if she now looked like something specific, wouldn't that show old!ruby knew that what she feared was all bc she rejected herself? young!ruby could even have a line to go along with 'she looked like she was looking for someone', maybe 'i wanted to talk to her' -- just something small indicating that old!ruby's acceptance of herself was passed down in some small way, even if it certainly hasn't cured ruby of anything.

now for other theme/focus mutterings. i could spin something here about the fact that the doctor says the fairy circle 'is' charms and spells and hopes and dreams. ruby hopes and dreams that she can be accepted, and later, that she can bring the doctor back/undo the moment where it all went wrong. but the doctor also says that they should 'rest in piece'. so they're dead hopes and dreams, aka fears + regrets? so breaking it unleashed both the doctor and her greatest fears - the doctor of complete helplessness + impotence, and ruby of abandonment + rejection. because those fears stay buried in this timeline, ruby + the doctor's hopes (which in many ways are embodied in each other) can continue to live and be 'here', not drowned in the past.

also, the doctor implies the woman is 'resting in piece', out of nowhere, which i think is another indication of both ruby AND the doctor having knowledge from the split timeline. after all, old!ruby did die. so did the timeline where all that happened, i suppose. maybe that's the other angle for the fairy circle - it represents the fragility of a load bearing timeline. the hundreds of dead paradoxes and dead universes that spin off from time being written and unwritten as the doctor (and his companions) fixes whatever he can. let them rest in piece. forget what could've happened. forget what just did happen.

now for my other critique. i think the sexual harassment sub plot was cheap and shitty, and only served to be an incredibly lazy 'kick the puppy' moment to show that the prime minister was Evil™ levels of bad. in the process it showed no respect or care to victims of abuse, and pretty heavily implied that ruby had done nothing in the face of her peer being abused, because 'she had to make sure'. of what? that mad jack was a bad guy? watching him heavily imply he wanted to fire nukes wasn't enough to confirm anything? 'he's a monster' wasn't enough? why? what metric was she using, then? if she was waiting for him to be prime minister, why did she wait an unspecified amount of time AFTER he was elected, where he's clearly still abusing marti, to act? presumably the audience was already on team 'oh this guy sucks' by the nuke interview at the VERY latest, where it was also made clear that the guy was fearmongering about borders and all sorts of right wing bullshit. like, those are just the problems with it off the top of my head -- it fucking sucks, basically.

that all being said, i think ruby convincing herself that she only has 'one chance' works super well into the overall theme of ruby's understanding of the monster + her situation being tied to arbitrary rules she's decided help make the woman make sense. since this terrible thing happened when life was previously going fine, there must be a way to undo it and go back to the love and acceptance she had before. but there is no monster to slay that will trigger the end credits. there's just ordinary, shitty humans, and ruby herself. she can't uncross the boundary of pre-and-post trauma. and as long as she thinks there is something she has to make up for, the world where she is being punished will keep ticking along. i just wish it had been communicated in a different context!!!

side note. does anyone else want to come live with me in a world where 'it never snowed again' means that snow never occured again anywhere in the world. yes its way more likely to think that ruby's referring to instances of spontaneous snow linked to her emotions. but can you IMAGINE hardening your heart so entirely after being rejected by your mother that you change the climate of planet earth?? holy shit!

[nerdie-faerie]

Whoever decided Easter would be so fucking early this year, can you fix it? My mum's mad at me

[bas-rouge]

My friend mentioned possible PUPPIES on FB and now I need to reach out. OUGH

[bcneheaded]

thinking again about how artemis can't drink, eat, kiss, or feel anything pleasurable at all and I :(

[tamaharu]

and i couldnt have done it without The Sounds of Classic J-Rock <3

[sludgeguzzler]

someones really out here lighting fireworks at 2:37am. girl what are you doing

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[earlyspringtranscendence]

i wish betting on wrestling was like a thing because while i would never win if i bet on anything else (am bad at recognising patterns that actually mean anything) i would cash in soooooo much because i can ALWAYS tell when a jericho feud’s gonna run way too long again 😌

[shessoft]

i really get nervous that guys might think i like them because i'm just nice and then i also get nervous women think i'm flirting but i'm just awkward and gay and like are you gay? because you're reading as queer and i'm just asking for friendship reasons

[hairydykecunt]

i think it’s very silly asking to borrow money from me after i lent a lot already and have been mentioning how little money i have 👍 like super silly 👍 can you think for once 👍👍 can you please 👍👍👍👍 and then basically be like nvm i’m good i borrowed the money from someone else 👍👍👍 and lowkey you were definitely supposed to be invited to hang out but we’re lowkey ignoring u bc we hate you 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

[gemkun]

@hindblight ↬ continuation.

      ⸻       the   crepitating   fire   —   a   beacon   ,   against   the   backdrop   of   ebony   ,   past   windowpanes   —   recalls   system   hours   ago   ,   whereupon   he’d   been   recruited   amidst   his   exclusive   lessons.   gratitude   ,   should   have   been   his   reaction   ,   but   instead   he’d   consigned   himself   under   the   scrutiny   of   his   students.   how   they   clamoured   ,   prattling   away   as   if   to   shirk   his   teachings   for   this   precise   moment   ,   adorned   by   a   visitation   (   or   rather   a   phenomenon   ).   only   to   the   trained   eye   ,   would   one   detect   the   scheme   employed   by   the   tempered   scholar   ,   and   to   the   mundanite’s   chagrin   ,   it   is   a   successful   one.

  leading   to   where   they   were   now   —   secluded   and   without   a   soul   to   intervene.   the   treacherous   conditions   of   this   planet   ,   prompts   him   to   consider   the   calculations   implemented   by   her   deliberate   hand.   though   ,   the   absence   of   a   signal   ,   enabling   him   to   communicate   across   the   cosmos   ,   was   not   a   hindrance.

  not   when   the   studies   being   performed   were   utterly   engrossing.   devouring   only   to   the   intellectual   mind   ,   where   hunger   festered   in   light   of   new   discoveries.

  a   feat   he   had   witnessed   ,   not   mere   moments   ago   ,   when   the   dead   was   blessed   with   the   elixir   of   life   once   more.   the   ethics   ,   however   ,   unsettles   his   mind   as   he   observes.   for   subjecting   flora   to   unconventional   methods   ,   was   no   pressing   matter   ,   but   ruan   mei   was   not   one   to   be   content   with   a   small   victory.

  hers   was   an   immense   and   ravenous   hunger   that   needed   to   be   quenched.

  but   veritas   was   just   as   insatiable.

  attention   curves   ,   steering   to   beverages   and   desserts   alike   ,   arranged   neatly   in   perfect   circularity.   with   cakes   at   its   focus.   how   geometrically   pleasing.   fending   off   his   wish   to   respire   ,   he   acts   accordingly   ,   as   a   gentleman   should   when   a   lady   beseeches   him   to   participate   in   harmless   trials.   though   ,   as   cup   is   lifted   to   grace   his   lips   and   subsequently   assuage   taste   buds   ,   a   pleasant   sensation   fills   him   so.   mimicking   the   purification   of   his   sanctum.

  content   ,   he   hums.   before   placing   ornate   china   against   lacquered   wood   ,   with   no   clink   resounding   upon   its   return.   a   temporary   diversion   —   both   are   privy   to   this   fact   —   but   it   is   a   necessity   ,   for   the   purpose   of   establishing   amiability.

  ❝   miss   ruan   mei   —   ❞   splinters   their   silence.   disrupting   the   session   of   profound   observation   ,   and   perhaps   ,   she’d   known   too   ,   but   this   sole   realisation   does   not   dissuade   the   researcher.   ❝   —   your   unconventional   methods   have   led   you   to   yet   another   astounding   achievement.   ❞   he   opens   ,   utilising   a   factual   statement   ,   having   witnessed   the   reanimation   of   the   departed.   ❝   however   ,   i'm   no   fool.   i   am   well   aware   you   intend   on   applying   this   to   more   than   just   flowers.   ❞   his   gaze   lingers   ,   enthralled   in   the   vision   of   flames   and   how   they   dance.

  where   a   single   spark   could   set   ablaze   their   current   dwelling.   how   poetic   ,   indeed.

  ❝   i   have   pledged   to   assist   you   in   ascertaining   the   effects   against   our   agreed   upon   subject   —   your   garden.   once   you   widen   your   sample   size   ,   i   will   rescind   my   position.   ❞

  the   pop   of   firewood   sears   his   tongue   ,   cutting   off   the   remaining   stance   he   upholds.   though   ,   a   genius   can   surely   understand   his   bearing.

  ❝   that   being   said   ,   i   would   either   reduce   the   time   of   exposure   to   prevent   overgrowth   and   the   susceptibility   to   rot   ,   or   i   would   taper   the   concentration   by   diluting   it   with   the   water   we   filtered   earlier.   the   residual   pollution   will   not   tamper   with   your   blooms   ,   now   that   we   have   purified   it.   ❞

  still   ,   he   watches   ,   in   mesmerisation   at   the   kaleidoscope   of   oranges   and   reds.   whilst   ,   truth   beknown   ,   his   sights   rest   on   the   woman   beside   him   ,   with   his   attuned   senses   ,   where   even   his   peripheral   gaze   does   not   require   the   flit   of   pupils.