#talking about my novel concept about the furries who eat dead gods

[charlesoberonn]

Nothing quite like overthinking and revising a story you had in your head for a while and watching it all unravel and lose everything you liked or thought was good about it.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #157

hey instead of lyrics, there’s a warning for a religiously offensive answer.

How many kids do you want to have?  Only too many scaly and furry ones. <3 Who’s the last person you smoked weed with?  I've never smoked it. Who is the person you have hurt the most?  Probably Mom. Who is the person that has hurt you the most?  Jason. Who was the last person who cried around you?  Mom when she found out about my cousin Brenna. What was the last thing you cried about?  Emotional conversation with Sara. What’s your current problem?  Just friendship stuff after breaking apart from Colleen again and being ignored when I've been reaching out to old friends, something I've been putting a lot of effort into lately.  I just don't get what's wrong with me/what's that damn unlikable about me that I can't make or maintain friendships. What brand of face wash do you use?  Biore.  Or I think Neutrogena if I have a pimple. Do you know anyone who owns a boat?  Dad. Did you get carded the last time you ordered an alcoholic drink?  I surprisingly didn't.  Nor did I get carded when I bought something from the liquor store for Mom and me.  Do I look 30 or something now that my hair's cut. Did your parents give you an allowance as a kid? No. Do you know anyone who’s died in childbirth? No, thankfully. Are you (or have you ever been) a vegetarian?  I am.  Took a brief break for weight loss purposes but seeing as that did nothing, I went back to it and plan on staying that way. Do you ever use Snapchat?  No. What was the last show that you watched a full episode of? The Good Doctor. Do you get your feelings hurt easily?  Yup. When you go to McDonalds, what drink do you usually get?  Coke. What’s the nickname of your home state?  The Tar Heel State. What’s the worst type of weather in your opinion?  Hot and humid. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither?  Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. Is there a dead end road near where you live?  Most likely. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought?  No. Do you have a sensitive gag reflex?  YUP. Are you at risk for any medical issues?  Heart issues run in my family, and I'm finding out if I have hypoglycemia like.  Tomorrow. Is there an upcoming concert you want to go to?  Metallica in January, desperately. Do you own a robe?  No.  Don't really need one.  I get dressed right after showering. What is your favorite mark of punctuation?  Question mark. How many deep dark secrets do you have?  I don't really keep it a secret, but I don't just happily share it either.  One. Where is your father right now?  I'd assume at work. How comfy is your bed on a scale of 1-10?  I guess like... 7? What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten?  Hot wings at BWW doused in like the... fourth-hottest sauce. Who last called you sexy?  The only one who is insane enough to call me that is Sara. Do you want any more piercings?  Collarbones when they're prominent again, more in my ears, and then if/when I lose enough weight probably lower back dermals and bellybutton. Do you believe in heaven and hell?  Not in the Christian concept, but in some manner, probably.  Certainly a heaven of some sort for the good.  I don't know about a hell, but maybe purgatory as earth-bound spirits?  I mean there's no way the evil are going to a lovely place. Which do you think you're most likely to go to?  Hopefully a heaven, but if it turns out the Christian god is real, happily to Hell because fuck him for a multitude of reasons. How will the world end?  A meteor strike seems logical.  Flooding from global warming (I don't know how much it actually would cover if all ice melted, but).  The sun dying, if Earth is lucky enough to possibly survive that long. Are you scared of the dark?  No. How many true friends would you say you had?  Like 2-3, lol. Do you have a motto?  Not really. When was the last time you went on a trampoline?  Couldn't guess. What’s your best memory with each of your parents?  Dad, maybe him teaching me to ride a bike.  Or playing softball.  As for Mom, maybe the time we were driving around one night, grabbed some milkshakes, and jammed out to Judas Priest way too loud lol. Do you believe that leaving a significant other for someone else is ever a good idea?  I mean, sure.  If you truly loved your s/o, you wouldn't even consider someone else.  Better than cheating. Is it possible to ‘fix’ a ‘broken’ relationship?  I'm not sure, honestly.  This will never in any universe happen, but let's just say Jason and I got back together.  It wouldn't work.  At all.  Our relationship was Heaven to me until it ended, and I know it could never be repaired. If you found someone seemingly perfect for you, but it turned out they had a child… would you still give the relationship a chance?  Nope.  I could never take on the role of a parent figure for a child.  Nevermind one that wasn't mine or Sara's. Is it possible to ‘fall out of love’?  Yeah, been there. Why do you think people choose to get married?  Some people just enjoy the idea of a legal union with each other to signify their love, some don't want sex or kids before marriage, etc. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?  We're both girls, but if it was physically possible, definitely. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?  Mom or Sara, depending on the subject. Who was the last person you danced with?  Sara. How many tattoos would you get?  Arms covered, hands, knuckles, neck, sternum, hips, back, ribs... lots.  The only place I'm not very interested in tattooing are my legs, but it'll probably happen if I find something I love and also to balance things out.  Might look kinda weird to have so many but then none below my hips. Abusive relationship: leave him/her or keep it a secret?  TELL.  SOMEONE.  I'm sure the idea is terrifying, but what's scarier is staying with someone abusive.  Tell someone who can do something. Besides your mouth, where is your favorite spot to get kissed?  Breasts. Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?  Jason. Do you prefer broccoli or asparagus?  I like the broccoli, the latter is disgusting. Do you like gore?  Sometimes it's aesthetically pleasing to me, sometimes it gives me a quick gag if it's something real gross with humans because then I can actually imagine it on myself. Have you ever read Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov?  No.  Pretty sure I know the basis of it, though, if it's about the lolita fashion.  My friend had a phase where she was deeeep into it and told me about a book of that name.  Gross. Do serial killers fascinate you?  Not especially, but sometimes it is intriguing to learn just how fucked they can be.  I wonder how the mind can make up some shit. Besides your own, what’s your favorite country?  That I'm at least somewhat aware of, I find Japanese culture quite interesting. Would you ever get a septum piercing?  Nah, don't think it'll look good on me. Are you lactose intolerant?  No. Are you allergic to gluten?  No. Do you know anyone who is missing a toe?  No. Do any lights stay on while you sleep?  My snake's and iguana's lamps. If you have a notepad in your phone, what do you use it for the most?  Lmao tattoo ideas. Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same gender?  At least three girls.  Two before I even realized I was bi lmao.  Just looking back, my bond with them on my end wasn't straight, Alon especially. What store do you shop at the most for clothes?  HotTopic. Would you ever get your nipples pierced?  I very recently actually briefly considered it lmao.  I wouldn't tho.  Tbfh mainly just because of foreplay reasons shhhh. How many pets do you own?  Six. What’s your least favorite season? I loathe summer. Do you like tacos? Omg no. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert. Do you like to play board games?  Not really, no. Are you fond of romantic novels? When I read, I wouldn't actively seek them out, but I enjoyed quite a few. Fruit Loops or Cocopops?  Fruit Loops = Good Shit. Would you eat a live spider for one million dollars? Biiiitch yes for that much. Do you believe in aliens? I've been more open to the possibility lately.  Maybe. If you were the last person alive besides one other person you get to chose, who would it be?  My Sara Jane. Dogs or cats?  Cats. Do you like cotton candy?  I can only manage a couple bites.  Too sweet. Would you ever use a dating site? I like to pretend that never happened lmao neeeever again. Do you believe in ghosts?  Absolutely. Rap or pop? Pop, if I had to pick between the two. Do you like Lady Gaga?  Some of her songs are super catchy. What about Nick Minaj?  She's very talented in her genre, but I'm not a fan of her music. How many pairs of jeans do you own? None. Do you have an addiction to anything?  Technology. Do you like cheeseburgers?  Probably what I miss most being a vegetarian.  I love burgers. Do you have a Flickr? Yes. When did you last vacuum your room? Few days back. Who was the last person to sit on your bed?  Mom. Do you have a favorite flower?  Orchids. Do you like to cuddle with your S.O. or do you prefer your space?  Depends on how comfortable I am in the relationship.  In my current one, I am like.  Soooo cuddly. Do you like being called pet names or not?  Depends on the person.  Parents, s/o, friends, sure. Do you care if your produce is organic or not?  Not really, but I mean if I was to pick between something organic or not and I was aware, I'd certainly pick the organic. Do you get enough calcium?  I love milk, bro. Who is it that you’re in love with?  Sara 100% 100% 100% my babygirl. Is your significant other of the same ethnicity as you?  Yes. Do you have any friends in a band?  An old friend is the guitarist of a pretty nice metal band. What’s your favorite flavor of potato chip?  Classic, probs. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?  Suicidal depression. Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Once I have a source of income, I plan on donating to every charity livestream Mark does.  One, because it's just being a generous human, but also because I try to actively support everything he does. How many are too many partners for one person, in your opinion? Basically, I only support monogamy. What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Meeting Sara. What’re your plans for your next birthday?  Lemme get my Mark tattoo, man.  Go out to my favorite restaurant.  Family time. Have you ever kissed anyone with a tongue ring?  No. Thinking back to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on their bed?  Yeah. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed?  Yeah. Thinking back to the last person you really, truly passionately kissed, how many times have you cried because of them?  Waaaaaaaay too many times. How cold does it have to be before you put on a sweater?  Like low 50s. Has anyone ever pulled a gun on you?  Whoa no. Kisses on the cheek or the neck?  If you're not in the mood to make out, don't kiss me on the neck lmao. One word to describe your most recent ex? Hilarious. Fried, poached, boiled or scrambled eggs? I only like scrambled. Have you ever gotten into a club, whilst being underage?  Never been to one. When do you plan on moving out?  When Sara and I are ready to move in together. Before Facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site like Bebo or MySpace?  I had MySpace. Do you think when someone says “I love you” that you are obliged to say it back?  Definitely not.  Those are strong words. Which Disney princess do you think is the most beautiful and why?  Hmmm, I think Pocahontas.  I just think she's very pretty. What’s the best food to have at a sleepover?  PIZZA. How did you meet the last person you shared a bed with?  YouTube. Do you have any half-siblings?  Four. When going shopping for junk food, what’s the first thing you pick up?  Usually chips. At sleepovers, do you usually stay up all night or actually go to sleep?  Go to sleep. Is there anything in the room you’re in that’s really dusty?  I neeeed to dust my fan. Do you know anybody with different colored eyes?  No. Are any of your relatives vets?  Not to my knowledge. How many minutes do you consider late?  More than 5. What kinds of food do you dunk into milk?  Just cookies. Do you have any current or past teachers on your Facebook friends?  Yes. How much sugar do you like in your tea/coffee?  I hate both. Have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk?  Yeah. After seeing a movie, do you go to a site to enter a review about it?  No. Do your parents vote?  I know Mom does.  Guessing Dad does. How would you react if your best friend was pregnant/got someone pregnant?  My best friend is my girlfriend, and I'd support whatever she decided.  She doesn't want kids at all, nor do I think her body could handle it, so I'd understand if she aborted, and if she didn't, I'd try damn hard to be an amazing parent. What restaurant has the best fries?  Bojangle's fries got all her challengers SHOOK. What does your mailbox look like?  Just a normal 'ole mailbox. Would your mom make a good president?  No. What’s your favorite thing to eat during a movie?  Popcorn. Do you consider cooking to be an art?  Sure, it can be. What browser do you prefer to use?  Chrome. What genre of films do you like the best? Paranormal horror. Have you ever had a crush on someone several years older than yourself?  No. Does your best friend have any tattoos?  No. Who was the last person you were rude to? Did you have a good reason?  Probably Mom.  There's never a good reason to be rude.

[rudjedet]

Can you repost or post a link to your Smite shitpost :D?

Here’s my Extended Director’s Cut Special Edition With Additions of the original reply (disclaimer: it’s not as shitposty elaborate as Lottie’s because Lottie is queen, and I’m probably not saying anything she hasn’t already said either). 

Anubis

First impressions

Oh, they call him the God of the Dead. GOOD START. Not. Also his parentage as described in the lore is only one possible possibility because if you weren’t aware yet, Egyptian mythological traditions are “It’s complicated” at their best. 

Shit abilities

While I guess the term “Sorrow” for an ability is pretty fitting, stealing physical and magical protection? Stealing doesn’t seem very like Anubis, the guy who protects necropoleis which doesn’t equal god of the dead. Did he like turn into Setne Khamwas when no one was looking?

Plague of Locusts is just… sigh. Why is it always the locusts. Plague of Jackals would’ve even been better. Not good, just a hair better. Good grief, step away from the Biblical imagery people. It’s been done and not always to great success looking at you Exodus: Gods and Kings with your 17 inaccuracies in the first 5 minutes.

Death Gaze… Well, let me put it this way. I’ve yet to come across a text where Anubis glares someone to death. Or actually causes someone’s death. Also, did I mention he’s not a god of the dead?

And as a not-death god, not to mention the fact that MUMMIES AREN’T UNDEAD because hello, that’s not what Egyptians wanted at all, Grasping Hands is terrible. 

Decent abilities/abilities I can live with

Well, he was the god of embalming among other things, so Mummify makes sense.

Skins

That gravehound skin is horrible and ill-befitting of Anubis because mummification kinda strives for the opposite effect of said skin. And don’t get me started on the demonic pact one because I want to barf. 

Bastet

First Impressions

Goddess of cats. Okay, I guess, if you want to be really blunt and one-dimensional about it. And - an assassin, somehow? I guess that plays into the whole cat-like adjectives most assassins in shit fantasy novels are described with but errr.

Shit abilities

Pounce, Declaw? Cat Call?? Seriously? That’s all this game’s got? “Oh a cat goddess let’s just make her a neko with big tits to appeal to furries and completely ignore ALL of Actual Bastet’s inherent symbolism and give her lazy cat-related attacks instead”? 

Decent abilities

No. They’re all shit. 

I’d also like to use the space freed up by Bastet’s lack of decent abilities to talk about the lore description. Sensual embodiment of her female form, patron goddess of women exploring their sensuality? Okay dudes. You’re not succeeding in trying to hide your furry cat fetish and neither are you making me want to cut you some slack. 

Skins

See above points. They’re all terribly fetishised and can we just talk about the Extremely Lazy Laziness that is a cat goddess in a fucking cat suit. Nothing “covert” about those boobs or that gun. 

Terrible spelling mistake for “Satndard”, too. Some one-handed typing going on at that point I imagine. 

Isis

First impressions

Goddess of Magic? More like Goddess of Trick Your All-Mighty Father Into Revealing His Super Powerful Secret Name To You Because You Made A Snake Out Of His Own Spit And Basically Almost Killed Him With It. Or Goddess of Shapeshift Into A Pretty Girl To Trick Your Murderous Brother Into Admitting It Should Be Your Post-Humously Conceived Son On The Throne of Egypt. Or Goddess of Feeding That Same Murderous Brother Your Own Son’s Dick Juice After He Tried To Rape Your Son. 

Basically, title should be Goddess of I Fucking Own All You Guys.

Shit abilities

Wing Gust and Spirit Ball are lazy. Oh look she’s sometimes depicted with wings/as a kite so let’s give her a wing attack. And Spirit Ball because magician amirite??

Dispel Magic I’m on the fence about. I mean, makes sense I guess? But I guess I want to see more than Isis just dispelling magic. I want her to own her adversary with her tricks and intelligence and general gung-ho attitude. Bitch gets more done than half the gods together. 

Decent abilities

Funerary Rites and Circle of Protection are okay, sort of fitting. She protected some people and she also was a funerary goddess so you can get away with those. Still also rather lazy though. Needs more “cut off your sons hands” or something. 

Skins 

O…kay. Judging by these horrific skins, her magic is boob-based. What is with the pose of Desert Omen? Y’all. It was hot in the desert, but their fashion wasn’t this naked. Goddesses loved their chic, Old Kingdom style, skin-covering dresses.

Bonus: Terribly Shit Lore

“Unable to locate a final piece” is the shittiest euphemism for “hubby’s dick was eaten by a fish and she made him a new one out of gold” I’ve ever seen. 

“Long has she prayed”? Oh for the love of… She didn’t just pray, because she’s a fucking goddess for one thing, and also she is like the most accomplished magician of all the gods? But no praying sounds totally fair for Magician McTits.

Osiris

First impressions

Looks too beefcake for a “Broken God of the Afterlife”. I mean. Seth is the beefcake of that family. Also a warrior somehow. I don’t know man, I feel like if Osiris was a warrior the whole fratricide thing would’ve gone over a lot differently. Definitely needs more penis-eating fish.

Shit abilities

His passive ability burns away parts of his own body which is kind of… stupid, because cutting him up is what Seth did to him, even in this shitty lore version, and anyway I doubt any self-respecting Egyptian would want to mutilate his body in exactly that manner. Also, he needs to lose only 8 body parts? 

All the rest is shit too. They’re all warrior attacks and Osiris is like this really chill dude who rules the Afterlife so why?

Decent abilities

Haha nope.

Skins

Too. Much. Beefcake. I think this is actually Seth doing a really poor impersonation of Osiris. That would explain the general oafishness and stupidity of this Osiris because Seth is dumb. 

Thoth

First impressions

Oh man, Thoth is nasty. Feels very “You stole my book, so now you’re going to face the consequences”. So I guess kudos for referencing a piece of Demotic literature but “Arbiter of the Damned” is so inaccurate a title it physically hurts. 

Shit Abilities

Hieroglyphic Assault and Glyph of Pain: two more for the growing Tome of Lazy Ability Names For Egyptian Gods.

Evade and Punish makes no sense even beyond the Egyptian inspiration. First you evade and then you punish? But you just evaded, so you need to get closer to your enemy first. And in the description it says “dashes in the direction he is currently travelling”. How is this even evading? Much confuse.

And I swear, these people need to get it into their heads that Egyptian gods weren’t one-dimensional incarnations of concepts, good grief. 

Decent abili-you know what I’m not even going here anymore

Skins

Angry Bird of Doom. Doesn’t even look like a proper ibis. Vizier skin looks like an unholy union between Sobek, Thoth and Jurassic Park and I don’t even want to know.