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literaturewithliz · 1 year

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distracting kiss or secret kiss with kam?

In the grandeur of a Vacker ball, the most captivating part was either the décor, or the Vackers themselves.

Keefe had to disagree.

Don’t misunderstand, it was insanely entertaining to watch his best friend not even pretend he wasn’t pining over Foster in her scarlet evening gown. And the teal and gold decorations were nothing short of spectacular. It was Fitz’s Winnowing Gala, of course. So how could everything NOT be perfect?

The only person Keefe wanted to dance with on any ballroom floor wasn’t going to be there tonight, that’s how.

Keefe was mostly there for morale support. The whole party was pretty much just a formality. As if anyone other than Sophie was ever going to own Fitz’s heart. However, in elvin culture, Winnowing Galas weren’t just so you could start scratching names off your Match lists. They were also a celebration of the host becoming an adult and making their debut into society as an independent citizen.

So the last thing Keefe should be doing right now is imagining Tam Song in a perfectly tailored jerkin, sweeping him onto the dance floor like in those cheesy royal teen movies Foster had shown him.

And yet….

Keefe sighed and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jerkin. He debated on going to the garden for a breath of fresh air when a huge wave of emotions slammed into him. He knew who it was instantly. He put on a smirk and turned around to face Sophie Foster.

“Hey Foster, you do know that there’s really no reason to be this nervous, right? Fitzy’s too obsessed with you to even think about anyone else here,” Keefe chided. Sophie blushed and scrambled to deny her nerves. “How many times do I need to remind you that you can’t lie to an empath?” Keefe asked with fake annoyance.

“I’m not lying!” Sophie insisted. Keefe raised an eyebrow. Foster sighed and accepted defeat. “Fine, maybe I am. But while we’re on the topic of feelings, you wanna explain why you’ve had this wistful look on your face all night?” Well, she had him there.

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you mean,” Keefe replied. But he knew Foster wasn’t going to let this go, so he held out a hand to her and pulled her to dance when she took it. “Don’t fall over,” Keefe teased. Sophie scoffed and got right down to business.

“Thinking about Tam?” she asked. Keefe nodded wordlessly. “Well, why don’t you go talk to him?” she wondered. “I didn’t think he was coming. And besides, what am I supposed to say? ‘Hey Tammy, I know I’ve made fun of you and your ability for the entirety of my knowing you, but I have a massive crush on you! Go out with me?’” Keefe asked sarcastically.

“Not a bad idea, actually.” Sophie smirked. Keefe scoffed. “You might as well try it, at this point. He is in attendance. He’s just been hiding himself in shadows by the corner over there,” Sophie pointed to a corner Keefe could see over his right shoulder. Now that Keefe thought about it, that corner was a bit dark compared to the other ones. He couldn’t see Tam, but he suspected he was there.

“Still, bad idea.” Keefe said with a sigh. Sophie looked at him with sympathy, all signs of playfulness from earlier gone. She was the only Keefe had ever told about his crush on the male Song twin. “You know, I think you should confess when you’re ready, but if you don’t ever talk to him about it, you’ll never get a chance with him.” Ugh, he hated it when Foster was right.

Keefe nodded, and looked to his right when he heard someone clear their throat. Fitz, with a very nervous expression, looked at Keefe. “Do you mind if I borrow her for a sec?” Fitz asked. “If you don’t mind, of course, Soph.” Fitz clarified. “She’s all yours” Keefe confirmed as Sophie nodded shyly. But before Keefe left the dance floor, Sophie tapped his shoulder. “Don’t forget what I said, okay?” Keefe nodded and winked. “Have fun, you two” he said before leaving his two blushing best friends alone together.

Keefe decided that even if he wasn’t ready to tell Tam how he felt, he could always tease him. So he made his way towards the dark corner Sophie’d shown him. Once he was there, he said aloud: “You know, Bangs Boy, there are a million better places to hide from people at Everglen. Like, I don’t know, the six libraries and eight gardens, for a start.”

At the word ‘libraries’ Tam let his shadows fade to reveal himself in a dark blue jerkin with a black undershirt. Crap, he was beautiful. “Everglen has SIX libraries?” Tam asked, eyes going a little wide. “Yep, that’s what happens when you live in Vacker Land!” Keefe confirmed. Keefe briefly entertained the thought of mentioning that Candleshade had seven libraries, but decided against it, because he didn’t want to seem like he was trying too hard.

“ I knew they were… well off, but I didn’t know they were THAT well off. Do you know one that’s nearby?” Tam questioned, with a little bit of awe in his eyes that Keefe found absolutely adorable. “ I do, but to direct you towards one, I need a form of payment for my services.” Keefe said with a smirk on his face. Tam rolled his eyes, and Keefe internally mourned the look of awe. “I think I’ll just ask Biana.” Tam said, turning around.

Tam turned right back around when he saw the massive crowd of people he would have to go through to get to Biana. “You know what? Fine. I’ll do the stupid payment. Can you please just show me the library? Or one of them, I should say.” Tam said, tugging on his bangs a bit. “of course! I’ll need a favor though! Keefe said with a gleeful smile. Without thinking, he grabbed Tam’s hand and lead him out of the ballroom through a door near the corner.

Oh God. He was holding Tam Song’s hand.

Keefe tried to pretend like he wasn’t having a mental breakdown and let Tam’s hand go, leading him to the closest library he could think of. It was small, compared to the others, at least. But it had the best books, in Keefe’s opinion. “Are you a fan of fiction?” Keefe asked, looking at Tam. “It’s my favorite genre,” Tam said curtly. Keefe briefly wondered if Tam was mad at him for taking his hand, and mentally panicked.

Thank God that they finally made it to the library. When Keefe opened the door to reveal a couple hundred books, all tension in the air faded. And Keefe might’ve imagined it, but he was pretty sure he heard a tiny gasp escape Tam’s mouth. He wished he could somehow bottle up that sound.

Tam was the first to move forward, and found a shelf lined with dark blue books. Of course the Vackers would have a color coordinated library. Keefe started following, but then turned towards a shelf with light green books, not wanting to make Tam upset again. He pretend to browse for a book, as if he hadn’t read every one in the room.

“You’ve been here before, haven’t you?” Tam asked. “How did you know? Keefe asked, trying to avoid the question. “You seem extremely uninterested. Sophie told me you like fantasy books, and you’re really close with the Vackers, so I just assumed you must’ve read at least SOME of these.” Ugh, was Keefe always this transparent? “Well, you’re right, I have. I’ve read all of them, actually, so HA! I’ve beat you at the bookworm game, Tammy!” Keefe said, hoping Tam would drop it. He didn’t like the idea of his crush knowing that he was such a nerd. More like, he didn’t want his crush to know WHY he was such a nerd.

Tam just rolled his eyes. “I hadn’t really pegged you for a bookworm. I was surprised when Soph told me,” Tam said, looking at a yellow book that had seen better days. “Well, books are a great escape when your parents suck!” WHY DID HE JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD? All the deflecting he’d just done to avoid this topic, just for Keefe to screw it up. Figures. Tam got really silent for what felt like hours, days, weeks. But then, just as Keefe thought he would dash out of the room is disgust, Tam uttered a quiet: “I agree.”

Oh.

So Tam read to escape his sucky home life too, huh? Maybe Linh was right. Maybe they did have more in common than they thought. Not like Keefe was going to keep talking about it though. Then again, he didn’t have to. “You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know that, right? In my opinion, it takes a lot of perseverance to focus on the things you love rather than the things that hurt you.” Tam said, looking straight into Keefe’s eyes. Now that Keefe was thinking about it, he realized just how close he and Tam were. He would barely have to move to…

NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! He would most certainly never have the chance to kiss or do anything even a bit romantic with Tam Song. He hated Keefe. Then again, he wasn’t exactly rushing to leave and avoid physical contact, in true Tam fashion. Keefe felt himself relax, and tried to make a joke to lighten Tam up too. “Wow, Bangs Boy. Was that a compliment?” Keefe asked, hoping something like a smirk was on his face.

Instead of biting back with a witty remark as usual, Tam asked a question. “Can I kiss you?” Keefe froze. No way Tam just asked him that. This was most definitely a dream of some sort. But, you couldn’t dream up the was Tam’s short breaths fanned Keefe’s face. Or the way his silver-blue eyes glittered in the moonlight. So before Keefe even replied, he leaned forward.

#I hope it doesn’t have too much Sophitz #also #this took way longer than I intended I’m so sorry #I hope you like it tho #I decided to go with a cliffhanger #Shannon messenger style #thanks for the ask!#loved writing this!#kam #keefe sencen #tam song #kotlc #sophie foster #linh song #fitz vacker #kotlc fanfic #secret kiss btw

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silvergrapefruits · 2 years

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Goldfish - playing cards - Tammis Keefe https://pin.it/57rzEqq

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sweaterkittensahoy · 2 years

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The Righteous Gemstones is what happened if Jim Bakker had actually loved Tammy Faye and not just use her as a tool to gain more money and power.

This is all based on having binged season 1 in a single day, FYI. I have seen nothing of season 2.

Eli LOVES Amiee-Leigh. LOVES. And, my god, John Goodman, the fact you do not have an emmy for this show (and several other shows) is a goddamn crime.

But. Seriously, Danny McBride wrote the an ACTUAL love story between Eli and Amiee-Leigh that is what Tammy Faye Baker DESERVED to have in her own marriage (Jim Bakker can fucking choke).

But even more than that, Danny McBride has said he wasn't writing a show about making fun of religion; he was writing a show about looking at hypocricy, and jesus fuck me, my dude, you fucking nailed it. Aimee-Leigh and Eli are true believers. Kelvin is a true believer. They are surrounded by somewhat-true (I think Jesse means well) to just full-on fucking with you (Judy, my queen) believers. But also, it's not so easily black and white. Jesse grew up the first son of a prominent religious family with fame and money. Judy grew up the first daughter of the same family. And that's a fucking hard difference to experience. Meanwhile, Kelvin shows up later--after the money's made--and is (in my opinion) absolutely coded the queerest southern gospel queer to ever queer but who has not ever activated the queer. And I'm not even sure at the end of season one that he realizes he WANTS to activate the queer. But there's a YEARNING between him and Keefe that fucking kneecaps me for its perfection of queer yearning in conservative religious circles.

I digress.

Look, I grew up an hour south of Branson, Missouri, okay. Uncle Baby Billy telling Aimee-Leigh they were gonna end their tour in Branson made me laugh my fucking ass off. Because Uncle Baby Billy and Aimee-Leigh are what would have happened if Donny and Marie Osmond were fucking snakes.

(Sidenote: I absolutely think that the mainstream LDS is a fucking cult. I think several mainstream versions of Christianity (Assemblies of God) put cult tactics to work to scare people into staying, but if I gotta choose which one to stop before the other, I'm going after the LDS because it IS a cult.)

But the other thing about Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy is that Aimee-Leigh isn't trying to trick people into giving her money via charisma whereas Baby Billy absolutely IS. He uses his own sister--a true believer--to try and make it happen. And Aimee-Leigh, bless Danny McBride and the writing staff--have her light him up like a July 4th display.

It's fucking fascinating to me that John Goodman has repeatedly played a loving, caring, understanding, respectful, and ADORING husband to women who hold their own power. He did it on Roseanne. He did it on Alpha House. He's doing it on Righteous Gemstones.

And Aimee-Leigh's pre-pilot death doesn't feel gross or reductive. It feels like a genuine grief that's been simmering in a family for a bit. She's remembered with deep fondness and respect. She's noted as being the one to teach the most important lessons (don't turn your back on family) while also being shown--in flashback--of having boundaries (Baby Billy lies to her to try and get her to tour; she finds out and shuts down the tour). Aimee-Leigh is an angel in the eyes of the family because she was a good fucking person. But she's also no longer there to stop them from doing stupid shit.

Why does Baby Billy get to take over the new satellite church in the former Sears in the mall (a fucking hilarious repeated joke I would like to frame, btw). Because Eli is doing what he THINKS Aimee-Leigh would have wanted him to do; give her brother another chance. But we also see in the flashback episode that 1) Eli adores Aimee-Leigh and will do whatever she thinks is best for herself (fucking good) and 2) That Aimee-Leigh utterly understands that Baby Billy is a fucking asshole. No fucking way would Aimee-Leigh, were she alive to have an opinion, agree to give Baby Billy any power within their megachurch structure. Send him cash? Probably. Give him power? Absolutely not.

And that's one of the great things about The Righteous Gemstones. It's not a cut and dried joke about religion or southerners or southern families or any of that shit. It's an in-depth and respectful view of a family. Aimee-Leigh would NEVER want Baby Billy to have power in the church because he's proven he's not in it for the right reasons. But Eli, grieving widower of an adored wife who also adored him, he wants to make space for the black sheep of the family because Aimee-Leigh said, "You should never turn your back on family," and when you're dealing with the memory of someone, it's common to wipe out the common sense caveat of "Unless it's that butthole brother of mine who lied to me."

Beyond that, I could sit here and name so many fucking moments in season one that showed depth and thought from the characters. The one I'll concentrate on for the moment is Jesse's Easter Sunday sermon that focuses on what Judas must have been feeling as Jesus rose from the dead.

Contextually, it's a commentary on Jesse lying about not fucking around on his wife and on Gideon, Jesse's oldest son, hiding the fact he blackmailed his own father.

But also, Easter is the sermon that is ALWAYS about forgiveness. That's kind of the whole fucking bag of it. Jesus died to forgive our sins. So, forgiveness is key to being a good Christian. Except that rather and do the usual sermon about "Jesus died for you, so live for him," Jesse steps on that stage and takes a turn that would NOT be welcome in a megachurch. "How did Judas feel? What was it like for Judas to know he'd done what he did?"

Megachurch audiences do NOT want to feel for Judas because megachurch audiences want black and white morality. Jesus was good. Judas was bad.

But, in the world of The Righteous Gemstones, a hypocrite fuck of a megachurch preacher can step up to the pulpit and give a complicated and interesting sermon on forgiving Judas. Because he is genuinely realizing and questioning why he thinks he's untouchable.

That's why the show is so fucking good. It doesn't mock faith or religion. It jams pointy things against hypocrites and shows that either they learn and grow, or they refuse to learn and pay the price.

I remind you, at the end of this post, that I'm an atheist. I'm not here to convince anyone to get into religion. But I grew up utterly drowning in exactly this sort of religion The Righteous Gemstones investigates, and I will always, always, ALWAYS put my time and hope behind people who seem to be truly trying to do their best, and that's the story Danny McBride and his team are telling.

Even Baby Billy, the fucking asshole, is doing the best he can. He's just literally the worst goddamn fuckboy in the whole shitty system.

#the righteous gemstones #uncle baby billy #eli gemstone #amy-leigh gemstone #gemstone kids #you fucking idiots #i love all of you #megachurches

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daughter-of-kam · 1 year

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In a tree

Linh: Tam and keefe sitting in a tree k I-

Tam: - l l i n g

Keefe: you don’t mean that Tammy.

*Keefe sits tam on his Lap*

Tam: yes I do

*he says while on his lap*

#kam #kotlc #gaykotlc #linh #tam #keefe

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squishmallow36 · 2 years

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Magic: the Gathering

Part 3 of Sokeefitz: the Gathering. Part 1 here. Part 2 here.

Written for day 2 of Sokeefitz Week: family, hosted by the aemazing @xanadaus and @gay-otlc

Also a big thank you to @uni-seahorse-572 for listening to my rambling about this fic

Word count: 3.9k

Tw: swearing, food

Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @gaslight-gaetkeep-gayboss @kamikothe1and0lny @nyxpixels @florida-fruity-frog @poppinspop @uni-seahorse-572 @solreefs @never-mourn-the-good @rusted-phone-calls @when-wax-wings-melt @cotyledon-tomentosa @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizzknees @abubble125 @blossomsxgalorex @callum-hunt-is-bisexual @callas-pancake-tree

On Ao3 or below the cut!

“I’m bored,” Keefe signs, sighing heavily.

“What, is Tammy Boy refusing to talk to you again? What is this, the second time this week?”

“No! Well, yes--but no! I don’t want to argue about Tam’s stupid bangs.”

Fitz rolls his eyes, going back to his book. Keefe doesn’t know what he’s reading this time but it could be a history textbook for all it cares.

Foster, the beautiful angel he is, asks, “Do you know how to shuffle a deck of cards?”

Keefe shakes its head, bouncing up and down on the couch.

“Hang on. Give me one second.” Foster pulls a side table in front of it and starts rummaging through drawers in an attempt to find some cards.

It takes several drawers and many seconds before Foster announces, “Yeah, I guess this’ll work,” and drags a chair over to sit across from Keefe.

Keefe takes the deck of cards--which has “Magic: the Gathering” written on the back and five small differently-colored dots on a brown background. There’s more details, but Keefe finds a card that’s backwards before it can fully process it.

But, when it flips the card over, it also has a picture on it. “Ooh, who’s this?” it asks Foster.

“Keefe, did you ever learn how to read?” he answers.

It looks at the card to find “Jace, Vryn’s Prodigy” at the top.

“Exile, Jace is kinda hot.”

“I know, right? I’m glad I don’t have a Jace, Cunning Castaway because that’s more than enough motivation to make you or anyone else for that matter become a pirate.”

Keefe doesn’t hear half of what he says, as it’s destroying the deck Foster set in front of himself, trying to find another one.

And he does, but this one only has one side, is shiny, has a red background and is named “Chandra, Bold Pyromancer.” It holds it in front of Foster’s face, who understands immediately.

“Now you understand why I’ve been trying to teach you how to play.”

Keefe nods.

“Hey, Fitz. Do you want to learn how to play too?” Foster asks.

“I’m good.”

“Show him Jace,” Keefe suggests.

Foster stands up and places it in the place between the pages where a bookmark would rest. “You sure?”

“This’d make a good bookmark.”

Foster snatches it away from him, clearly overprotective of Jace. As he should be.

Fitz smiles, making butterflies flutter in Keefe’s stomach with that movie star grin.

“Do you want me to play?” he asks, looking up from his book for the first time in the last millennia.

“Well, Keefie will be angry if I win so I’d like to try to avoid that. At all costs. Because then it’ll never play any games with me ever again.”

“Fine. Teach it how to shuffle while I finish my chapter. I’ll join you when I’m done.”

I’m willing to bet his whole book is one giant chapter. Just a feeling.

“Alright,” Foster allows, coming to sit in front of Keefe once again. “This isn’t actually that hard. Step one is the most difficult. Split the deck in half, approximately. It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Keefe is fully tempted to count out half just to piss Foster off, but figures it’s a bit too early in this conversation for that specific brand of its bullshit.

“Then you’re gonna hold each half in your hands like this,” Foster holds the cards with a thumb on the short end, his index finger curled up on the back of it, and the rest of his fingers on the other short end.

It takes a second of finagling to get its hands into position, and Keefe figures out why Foster wanted to teach it. If it’s holding things, it can’t sign.

“The first few attempts will be yucky, but you’ll figure it out after like a dozen tries. Now it’s just a matter of building up your index finger’s first knuckle because I legit have, like, little calluses from when Amy and I used to play.”

Keefe does as he instructs before asking, “You and Natalie used to play?”

“Not with these decks, but yeah. All the time. You didn’t know this?”

“No.” Keefe tries again to shuffle, more gracefully than the first but by no means elegant, “I am an expert now.”

“Yes, indeed you are,” Foster replies.

That’s when Fitz miraculously joins them, sitting on the couch next to Keefe because the chairs are not good for his knee. That or he wants to see what cards Keefe has. Not as though it would help all that much when he doesn’t know what the cards would do.

Lots of words on these fuckers.

“Okay, what the Exile are we doing?” Fitz asks, head resting on Keefe’s shoulder.

Foster thinks for a second before deciding, “Let’s start by picking colors based on their basic philosophies. You get two colors to make a standard sixty card deck, and I have enough of these so you don’t have to fight if you both want the same one although I’ve met both of you so it seems unlikely. And please don’t pick the same colors as the other one just because you feel like being an ass.”

“I want all the colors. I want gay,” Keefe signs.

“You get two. If you’re on your good behavior, maybe you’ll get to move up to a tricolor deck. Maybe. So let’s get started. There is an official order of the colors, so I’m going to start with white’s philosophy. White represents order, peace, and I’ve made you play DnD--which was also made by Wizards of the Coast, by the way--they’re just a bunch of lawful goods.”

Keefe fake gags, knowing Fitz is just such a lawful good. When he wants to be. And Alvar is six feet under.

“They’ve got some mean cards in there, including a whole lot of flyers,” Foster continues. “Then blue, despite you thinking it’ll be a watery color, really isn’t. There are certainly some decks themed around that, but I only have one commander that uses it that way. The others are either artifact or pain in the fucking ass by using instants and sorceries and flying creatures to just shut the other player completely down decks.”

“Alright, that’s slightly less boring.” Keefe notices Fitz is blushing harder than usual. “Oh, my stars, Fitz. Are you gay for the blue deck?”

“I’m not saying it’s Jace’s fault…but it’s Jace’s fault.” He picks up the card lying on the table. “Wait. He’s a telepath?”

“Yeah,” Foster replies condescendingly.

“Stars fucking exile.”

“I didn’t make the card. Apparently you running around the Lost Cities looking for me inspired Wizards of the Coast to make a card based on this kid who kept popping up in the news everywhere.”

I mean, they do look kinda similar. Fitz is definitely more tan, but there is a resemblance, especially when you consider that the little picture can’t show all the small details.

“That…doesn’t sound right. But okay.” Fitz nods.

“Moving on,” Foster continues, “Black is like zombies and vampires and using your own health to make yourself stronger. Blue/black is definitely fun, but mono black…eh. I’m not a fan, personally. Red. Red is fun. It’s fast and it’s one of the easier colors to play. It also has a lot of chaeos and fire and all that fun shit. Direct damage and dragons.”

“Fun shit indeed,” agrees Keefe.

“Then, finally, we have green, which is just a little slower than red but about as easy to play. It features gigantic creatures and trample which allows any overflowing damage to go to the player you’re attacking. So. How are we feeling?”

Foster grabs Keefe’s freshly shuffled deck and starts separating it into its blue and green parts.

Fitz answers, “Definitely blue and maybe white.”

Keefe is tempted to pick blue/white but those don’t sound fun. “I’m still mad I can’t make it gay but I guess I want Chandra and the Aggressive Mammoth I saw while shuffling so that’s…red and green, right?”

“Yep. And that’s exactly what I predicted you two would take. Now. How to play. There are five main card types--land, instant, sorcery, enchantment, and creature, and we will be ignoring artifacts and planeswalkers for the purpose of this lesson, I’m sorry, but Jace will be able to stare into your soul from here.”

Foster takes both Jace and Chandra away, and Keefe is kind of tempted to wrestle them out of his hand.

It holds itself back though. Save that for after the game.

Foster explains, “Lands create mana to allow you to cast the other card types. The cost is displayed in the top corner that isn’t the name of the card because I know you struggle with left and right so we’re gonna phrase it that way. And like this one,” he reveals a Shivan Dragon, “is four of any color plus two red so you need six total. You really don’t have to count beyond seven in this game.”

“Fuck. I don’t know if I can do that,” Keefe signs.

“I can help you out with any conversions of mana cost or strategies or special abilities like this one,” he shows a Volcanic Dragon, “has haste. Which may or may not be defined on the card because I’m not looking at it but it basically means it can attack on the turn it’s cast. Everybody else has summoning sickness on their first turn.”

Keefe signs, “I’m superior!”

But Foster has to burst its bubble. “Lots of creatures have different abilities like this so don’t let yourself get too confident yet. I realize as I’m saying this that it’s extraordinarily futile. And, uh, an important ability both of you will probably have come up is flying. Flying creatures can only be blocked by other creatures with flying or reach. I don’t think there’s anything with reach in here, if either of you do, it’s probably you, Keefe, but I don’t know anymore.”

“Okay,” Fitz nods.

“One more important aspect of this is how to actually win. The goal is to be the last one alive. You start with 20 health and between direct damage like shock or creatures like the canopy spider, that’s gonna get whittled down pretty quickly. So to know how much damage a creature does or can take, you look in the bottom corner like with this guy,” Foster shows us the canopy spider still in his hand, “is a 1/3. That means when he attacks, he deals 1 damage but he takes 3 in a single turn to kill.”

“Pretty accurate to real spiders, then,” Fitz remarks.

“And then there’s a giant spider who’s a 2/4 and a mammoth spider who’s a 3/5 so I’d say yeah. They aren’t in this deck, but I’ve played with both before. Fitz, I know you’d love to read the entire rules manual before we start but I think this is a good enough intro for us to start if you don’t have any questions.”

“I feel like I don’t know enough to even know what questions to ask.”

“Yeah, that’ll work. You’ll figure it out. Do either of you want to go fir--” he notices Keefe’s hand already raised excitedly. “Why do I even ask anymore?”

He gives it its preshuffled deck, although it does one more shuffle just in case. It doesn’t trust anyone, least not Foster, enough to think they haven’t rigged the deck.

“Draw seven cards. If you like them, keep them. If not, you can reshuffle and draw seven new cards. We aren’t playing yahtzee so don’t even start trying to argue those rules. Technically you’re supposed to reduce it by one if you take a mulligan, but house rules say otherwise.”

While he explains, Foster shuffles Fitz’s deck, then gives it to him. “Same thing, my dude. The general guidelines are if you have between 2 and 5 lands and the color of the lands matches the color of the spells you have, you should be good. Also you want some cheap cards in there. And the vibes to be right. If you want me to check, I do have eyeballs.”

“Nah, I’m going to be reckless,” Keefe says, pulling away from Fitz’s prying eyes.

In its hand, it has a Vorstclaw, just a little guy at 7/7; a 2/2 Goblin Smuggler with haste and can prevent little guys with power 2 or less from being blocked; a forest and a mountain; an Overcome which gives creatures +2/+2 until end of turn and trample, a 3/2 boring Fearless Halberdier; and that ever-glorious 8/8 Aggressive Mammoth which gives everybody trample.

“Oh, I forgot!” Foster interrupts. “Just one quick note: you can only put down one land each turn unless a card specifically says otherwise. Like, uh, Aesi, Tyrant of Dire Straits.”

“I don’t have one of those,” Keefe signs.

“I know. They’re a blue/green living in a commander deck. But they’re the first one I thought of, okay?”

“...fine.” Keefe puts down a single forest after much debate and then can’t do anything else. So it’s Fitz’s turn.

“Is this a good starting hand or not so much?” Fitz asks, sliding it over to him on the table.

“It’s a little dangerous, but you’ll probably be able to make it work. It’s up to you. And make sure you draw a card at the beginning of your turn.”

Keefe tries to take a card, but nearly gets its hand slapped away. “You went first. You don’t get a card on your first turn.”

Keefe pouts.

Fitz simply puts down an island before being rendered incapable of doing anything, giving the turn back to Keefe.

Keefe draws a card, this time without the threat of bodily harm, and gets another boring Fearless Halberdier for its troubles. It puts down a mountain--so exciting--and then it’s Fitz’s turn once again.

He draws a card, puts down an island, and then it’s Keefe’s turn once more. This game is so captivating. Just gonna keep trading lands to put down.

Except it’s out of lands.

It draws its card, a boring 2/2 goblin assailant that it can manage to pay for so puts cer down in front of itself, asking Foster, “I can’t attack with cer yet, right?”

“Does ce have haste?”

“No…that’s lame.” It declares it Fitz’s turn, having nothing else it can do.

Fitz draws his card and whispers, “Psst, Sophie. Do I want to use this?” He carefully slides over a card so Keefe can’t see what it is.

“You could but I wouldn’t. It’s playing green. Wait for it to pull out something a little bigger,” Foster answers.

“And risk taking damage this next turn?”

“Yeah. You’ve got 20 of them. Don’t worry about it.”

“...okay. I’m trusting you. Don’t make me regret this.” Fitz decides, declaring it Keefe’s turn.

It draws its card, getting a mountain to place on the battlefield immediately, and casts a Fearless Halberdier. “Attack with Goblin Assailant, 2/2.”

“Fitz, you can’t block, I mean technically you could interfere with that card you just showed me as long as it’s an instant, but I wouldn’t recommend it. So you’re down to 18,” Sophie says, reaching across the table and turning Keefe’s Goblin Assailant ninety degrees.

Fitz glares at Keefe.

“I know. And it’s your turn.”

Fitz draws a card, looks at it, places it, a plains, on the battlefield, then uses that plains and also the two other islands he has to cast a phantom warrior, a little guy who’s a 2/2 and can’t be blocked. Ze’s a little fucking bitch.

When given back the turn, Keefe draws its card, fixes its Goblin Assailant, and does the same as Fitz except it’s a mountain and it’s casting a Goblin Smuggler, the little guy that’s the 2/2 with haste.

“Attack with all three of my dudes. Goblin Assailant, 2/2, Fearless Halberdier, 3/2, and our new one here, Goblin Smuggler, is a 2/2.” It turns each one as it reads the cards off.

“Rude,” Fitz mutters.

“Fitz, If I were you, I’d block the Halberdier with your Phantom Warrior.” Foster says.

“I can do that?” Fitz asks at the same time Keefe asks, “He can do that?”

“Yep. Both will die in the process though.”

Fitz does as Foster suggests, and this is an act of war.

Fitz still takes 4 damage from the other creatures, bringing his total down to 14. Then it’s his turn once again.

He draws and casts a cloudkin seer, a little 2/1 guy with flying that lets him draw a card.

All Keefe knows is that it probably isn’t a land because he doesn’t put it directly onto the battlefield. And then it’s Keefe’s turn again.

It draws a Rubblebelt Recluse, a big little guy who’s a 6/5 that attacks each combat if able. Like it wouldn’t already do that.

Then, it casts the other Fearless Halberdier in its hand, partially because that’s pretty much all it can afford and also to replace the one Fitz killed.

“Attack with Goblin Assailant, 2/2, and Goblin Smuggler, also 2/2.”

Fitz blocks the Smuggler with his Cloudkin Seer, killing them both and takes the other two damage, bringing his total down to 12.

Fitz draws and places down an island on his next turn, casting an Octoprophet, a nice-sized little guy who’s a 3/3 and lets him see the next two cards in his deck. Then he throws the turn back to Keefe, terrified of his inevitable demise.

Keefe draws an Engulfing Eruption to deal 5 damage directly to a creature.

I guess that’s what Foster meant by direct damage. Cool. I wonder if you could build a deck solely around that. Probably.

Keefe, having no patience whatsoever, decides to just kill the Octoprophet with the Engulfing Eruption while it has the chance.

“Was that really necessary?” Fitz asks.

“Yes.” answers Keefe. “And now it’s time to attack with both my dudes. 2/2 Goblin Assailant, 3/2 Fearless Halberdier.”

Fitz can’t block any of the damage, and he’s down to 7.

On his next turn, he draws his card, then casts a Fortress Crab.

Foster interrupts his thinking process by asking, “May I make a suggestion?”

“Sure, why not? I’m close to death anyway so it doesn’t really matter.”

He points to his cards. “Cast this and this.”

“This and this” are apparently an unsummon on Keefe’s Fearless Halberdier and a Haazda Officer, a little 3/2 guy who’s functionally the same as the Fearless Halberdier except for an ability that doesn’t get used and the fact it’s white, not red.

Then, it’s Keefe’s turn once again. It draws a forest, places it down, does a little happy dance because he can cast something, and that something is a Rubblebelt Recluse. Just a little 6/5 guy that has to attack each turn if able.

But summoning sickness makes it unable, so Keefe decides to hold on to its soldiers for the first time since this game started. Having nothing else to do, it unwillingly declares it Fitz’s turn.

Fitz draws a card, buries it deep into his hand, and casts a fortress crab, a 1/6 designed to be as annoying as possible for Keefe.

But then it’s its turn once again. And it draws a forest. And it dances again. Now it can cast the Aggressive Mammoth that’s been burning a hole in its hand since it drew it before the first turn. So now it has an 8/8 with trample that also gives all other creatures it controls trample.

In its excitement, it forgot to actually put the forest down, so it adds that to the battlefield before attacking with its Rubblebelt Recluse 6/5. This gets blocked by Fitzy’s new crab. Crab is officially dead and the Rubblebelt Recluse is completely fine.

Well, maybe zae’s a little annoyed. So is Keefe.

And it’s Fitz’s turn once more. He draws a card, then casts some Coral Merfolks in a desperate attempt to block as much damage as possible.

2/1s really are not going to do much when everything Keefe controls has trample.

Bracing for impact, Fitz gives the turn back to Keefe for the last time.

Keefe has spent Fitz’s turn trying to do the math on how much damage it can possibly do in a single turn, and survey seems to say that it’s more than enough. Especially when he throws a sorcery into the mix.

It draws its card, only a little sad it won’t get to use this Shivan Dragon this game. That has to be saved for a future game.

Keefe casts Overcome, which is a sorcery that gives all of its creatures +2/+2 and trample, as though they didn’t already because of the Aggressive Mammoth.

“Attack with Goblin Assailant 4/4, Rubblebelt Recluse 8/7, and Aggressive Mammoth 10/10.”

“Well, that’s just a few points of damage there, love,” Fitz remarks.

“Yeah, and everybody has trample. Can you get Foster to double check some rules for us?”

“Sophie!” it calls to Foster who has wandered away for some reason.

“Yes?” comes his response, probably from the kitchen.

“I’ve got two 2/1s and a 3/2 and Keefe has some dudes with trample. I was just wondering how incredibly dead I am.”

“Well, whatever Keefe’s creatures’ strength combined minus four blocked points is how much it does to you. I don’t know if that’s the answer you want, but it’s the answer I’m going to give.”

“So, uh, just 18 damage, right? Just a few?” Fitz asks, doing the math for Keefe.

“Yeah, let’s go with that. I don’t want to do addition today,” signs Keefe.

“I’m dead. I am very dead. I am at like negative 9 levels of dead.”

“I am victorious!”

“What you are is a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah, that too.”

“Just hang on one second before you start your victory dance that’s suspiciously similar to Goblin dancing.”

“But why?”

“Because I said so.”

Ah, yes. The inarguable argument. Sounds like he doesn’t care enough to actually debate with me. Rude.

Seemingly on cue, Foster re-enters the room, and sets a plate with a glorious cake in front of Keefe.

Fitz has never particularly tried when decorating a cake. Beyond frosting and sprinkles, of course. This one is no exception.

But Keefe won’t argue because, well, it’s cake. You don’t argue with cake. Because then you won’t get any future cake.

“Consider this payment for your art lessons last weekend. And also for your victory,” Fitz says.

“Thank you, Fitz. It is much appreciated. I will now devour the entire thing like I’ve never eaten anything in my life.” Instead of cutting a slice, Keefe just takes a fork and starts demolishing the cake from the outside.

“You know, you could save some for breakfast tomorrow.”

“The future is meaningless. The cake is now,” it signs with chocolate-crumby hands.

“Keefe, uh, you got a little frosting,” Foster gestures to his cheek, and Keefe tries to swipe it off, undoubtedly smearing more frosting in the process.

“Let me help,” Foster says, leaning closer until he licks the frosting away, kissing it on the way back down to his chair.

“That was my frosting!” Keefe screeches.

“Then maybe you should’ve protected it better.”

#the jace thing gets even funnier when you learn the first appearance he has on a card was drawn by jason chan #yes /that/ jason chan #the one that does the canon book covers #this was so much fun to write #i'd gladly do more #do people want more?#i've done 4 mtg games including this one now #and my title makes sense! it may have taken three days but there is sometimes a method to the madness #sokeefitz week 2022 #kotlc #kotlc fanfic #sophie foster #fitz vacker #keefe sencen #sokeefitz

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