#tbh what i have there is barely scratching the surface of it in my brain i just dont know how to write it out

[princington]

Prince hello, if you don't mind me asking. Why do you love Bea so much? I mean what about her moves you so much? I'm curious to know, because it comes across in your art, you view her with so much love that it's palpable in your lines, and her eyes are just oh god, it's the eyes for me, you capture the softness of her eyes perfectly. I mean I love her a lot too, but I'd like to hear from you what does Bea mean to you? How do you see her?

seeing this first thing in the morning certainly woke me up ngl

i suppose part of it is seeing myself in her, being queer and asian and coming from a strict religious household. but i think more of it is just how she is, ykow?

like, bea is kind. and she might make mistakes but she always does her best to own up to them. she cares so deeply for her friends, her family. at the core of it all like bea is good yknow? and doing her best 🥹👍🏼 despite the horrors

[navy-leader]

Due to your stickman posting I watched all of avm (also ava and the rest animation vs) and loved it so much.

I need more, I don’t know what’s the new stickman posting is about but I would appreciate recs

Aka- where the stickman yaoi real at? /j

Godbless welcome to stickman hell, buddy

And for the other sticks, i thinkk youre talking abt the rhg/dojo stuff. ? THEYRE OLD stuff...like 2 decades old...its basically a gigantic community of animators who, most of the time, animate their respective stickfigures battling or dueling other animators' stickfigures.

Theres really no right or wrong way to start cause its so old and and all over the place since its a HUGE community with a lot of different people animating with eachother and whatever and whatnot. Dont feel pressured to know everything, it will drive u insane 👍

Anyways the recs, (Links lead to channels/playlists where you can watch their animations)

Yupia by X and Bog by ACBeam. These two are the guys r the ones ive been rotating in my brain since i found em. They r insane 2 me, i cannot describe it. (Note that Yupia's videos are reuploads and not from the real creator)

FLLFFL by Terkoiz. This guys basically everywhere, hes like an old legend.

Larry by Shuga. My buddy friend pal, nap actually made this very convenient playlist so. If you like war criminals with religious trauma and goes :3, hes ur guy.

GILDEDGUY by gildedguy. A must watch tbh...i would recommend getting to know the others before watching his since his references a lot of the other older guys but like i think its alright to watch him either way. AMAZING animation like crazy insane good prommy.

And a bunch of other guys im too lazy to give a description or dont have a proper playlist for but still VERY worth checking out (links going to their creators' channels)

Chuck by Endo

One and Yoyo by Hyun

Umbrella by Resh

And here is general stuff that isnt specific characters (links going to channels/playlists)

Rebalanced by stone. Which youve probably seen a bit of from animation vs youtube. Rlly good tribute animation

Shock by Terkoiz. Really dunno how to describe it but its a rlly fun one

Here is a link to the doors collab. A huge collab abt a guy going through doors animated by people from the dojo. You will find the yaoi you want here prommy

Here is the link to the official dojo community channel itself. Lots of sticks and general animation r uploaded there, AND ITS STILL ACTIVE!! You will b able to find demonstrations of the characters and the duels they participate in alongside other stuff.

And this is BARELY scratching the surface of how gigantic this community is. Im just giving u places to start. So,,, have fun ^_^

[1111jenx]

What is having Uranus in the 7th like for you?

Hey love!

Ahaha I get this question a lot:D The fact that I have Aquarius DC AND Uranus 7th house have always sit right with me like Oh so thats why I'm like this💀💀💀and I've made peace with it😀 jk but I'll be more than happy to share you some small notes<3

🪐Uranus in the 7th🪐

(personal experience obv)

(also I'm into men so I'll be regarding my subjects of interest as he/him 🥰

Idealistic. I don't want a romance thats like anyone else and I hate feeling mundane if that makes sense LOL. I want someone who can be as quirky as they can with me and once they show me how much of a mad genius they are, I'll fall in love so hard y'all.

Introverts and Ambiverts 4ever. Perhaps this is wayy more of a personal preference but I have always believe in balancing out energy haha (Venusian household thing) And I don't like dating people who are too similar to me! I like men that are different from me and we can complete one another and therefore this create more growth for both sides😋 I'm an extrovert so I like them to be calmer and less out-going haha we can't have 2 jenx in the same room can we now

I notice a lot of fellow Uranus 7H are into open romances but my Leo Venus really grounds me tbh, I love too hard and for me love is so personal and intimate I don't see myself sharing my partner with anyone else:D Not counting casual flings ofc!!

Very progressive in terms of dating. I literally don't care about someone's past when I date them, I once joke about how unless you committed certain crimes (yes i said certain) and I do end up falling for you, then it is what it is. My prideful Leo venus would talk me out of it though especially if I don't see a future with you LOL

Attracting too much flighty people 💀💀 Like I know how I come off to others and while I do have a harder side to me, I also look for partners I can emotionally rely on (Venus 12H) in the long run:D Yet when I was younger I was around too much of them and it was draining for me as I always give my 100% when I'm invested

Attracting too much possessive people💀💀 I'm territorial, not jealous. Like honestly for me trust is something I care so much in relationships and I prefer my partner to earn it and I would never ever enter a committed relationship that lacks trust as a foundation🤣 I understand jealously but I don't think I find it cute like a lot of other placements, I think I get more scared?💀💀 Like oh ok what do you want now? Ofc its different but I'd rather my partner to talk to me if they feel such way rather than emotionally projecting their insecurities on me y'all

Issues with intimacy. Even in friendships, I need my space dawg. I take 3-5 business days when something traumatic happened and another day to resolve it. I would resurface a week or so and my friends, esp new ones are always mad MAD HAHAHAHAH and I feel so bad but I struggle to open up so much esp during my more vulnerable moments

Issues with the idea of love. You see this is where my aspects contradict. I believe in transparency and committed relationships yet I lowkey don't believe in DECADES LONG love as a result. I think this is me trauma dumping due to certain stuff I have witnessed when I was younger but all the cheating and stuff from couples that have been tgt for 30+ years rly make me question love lol. I think its so much different than marriage like for me I don't associate love with marriage at all and I think it takes other things aside love for something to work out in the long run, its also respect and trust, and wayyy deeper than what I'm barely scratching the surface here:D

Independent and confident people > everyone else. I like nerds LOL i'm not gonna lie brain is hot af. I think it takes time for people to be confident but people who are self-awared and are persistent with their goals is just *chefs kiss*

Literally mayb this is a Uranus 7H thing but I have had so many people coming up to me irl and tell me I'm the most unique friend they have ever had?😀 Since 7H briefly talks about close friendships and Uranus is.. well Uranus so I can't blame em💀

Ahhh I just woke up so I will rb this and continue this later boo:D But here are some of my experiences with this placement and while sometimes I do think its a curse, its a blessing at the end:) Working with 7H energy is not just understanding how others see and view you but also how you see yourself. I find myself attracting people who are shy away from the spotlight a lot and usually are not big fans of too much attention from the public(i can't relate lol), but therefore this speaks sm about me doesn't that mean I like to be the center of the attention then😀😀😀😀😀😀 HAHAHAH here are some very scattered lines of thoughts, hope you enjoy this beautiful 💕

love,

saint jenx🪐

[uniquezombiedestiny]

Yesod

i google translated the japanese parts since. idk japanese (and no official translation is provided)

人間を実験台として扱った (treat humans as test subjects)

study you, and i must but all of this is inhumane

あなたが死んだと言ったら信じますか (would you believe me if i said you died)

彼は「もちろんだ！」と微笑んだ ("Of course!" he smiled)

その姿に目を閉じた (I closed my eyes to that figure)

a subject of hypochondria

この方法は、かなり変だと思いました (I thought this method was pretty weird.)

pondering the thought for hours,

are we gods with divine powers?

utopia？いや、これはディストピアだ (No, this is a dystopia)

---

the song in general reminds me of yesod with the whole kind of. lab/medical vibe, + the dark colors and stuff. the instruments used (and the effects like. put on them) also remind me of him

"人間を実験台として扱った (treat humans as test subjects)" he pretty much already does this by avoiding relationships with employees, tho it could also be like. how he views himself? as a way to distance himself from his own humanity, empathy, etc. and see things, even himself, purely logically

"あなたが死んだと言ったら信じますか (would you believe me if i said you died)" could be someone else talking to gabriel, and how he was consumed by his obsessions and scratching, and how it all lead to his death. could maybe be someone talking to yesod, but he probably already knows he was gabriel and that he died

"彼は「もちろんだ！」と微笑んだ ("Of course!" he smiled)" 'he' being gabriel ofc. he was more emotional than yesod, but still wanted to follow rules (the agreement could be like following/agreeing with authority?? depending on whos saying the last line v( 'v')v)

"その姿に目を閉じた (I closed my eyes to that figure)" tbh not really sure who the figure could be, but it could be elijah, or one of the employees yesod was friends with, representing guilt and stuff. he closes his eyes to them to both avoid the guilt and his own empathy/emotions

"この方法は、かなり変だと思いました (I thought this method was pretty weird.)" the method being gabriels obsession with following safety and eventual self harm, then yesod covering his hallucination and repressing his emotions/empathy. could be specifically gabriel/yesod to them only at first (since 'was' is used, not 'is'), and then seeing them as normal or necessary/justifying them

"pondering the thought for hours," thinking things over tons of times, trying to find the best/most logical solution, or the perfect one. or analyzing things purely logically, and spending time breaking them down to do so

"are we gods with divine powers?" something illogical. it seems like it wouldnt fit yesod, especially with the above lyric it goes with, but it could represent his obsessions, hallucinations, etc. he considers them necessary, real/logical enough to him to be worth consideration

"utopia？いや、これはディストピアだ (No, this is a dystopia)" they live in a dystopia lol. could also be like a mental dystopia, since he is a robot (one with a human brain too) and someone could. idk. be like 'hey isnt it perfect being a robot?' since robot stereotypes ig/thinking he has no human parts, like angela (.........i think)

---

once again it got longer than i thought but im happy about it since i thought i knew even less about yesod lol

also im. not 100% sure about the terms and stuff i used (obsessions, compulsions, etc) and how i like. described them ig. i got most of the info for the analysis and those terms from the wiki/what i know (and a liiiiittle bit of my own experiences with compulsions/ocd)

i left a few lyrics alone since i thought their meaning was obvious/surface level, or it didnt have any deeper meaning to explain/look into

also ty for the ask!!!!!!!!!! ive barely been getting any and this is really fun!! :D

[akari-hope]

how would someone deal w a problematic hyperfixation? like harry potter for example? /srs

that's a good question! obv this is a pretty layered conversation, and this depends on the particular hyperfixation, but for the sake of being able to discuss at least somewhat how far this all goes, i'll focus on the example you gave.

quick note before i go into it though: EVERYTHING is problematic in some way. this is truly just a fact of life, and part of why this is such a difficult conversation to have. you're genuinely never going to find a piece of media that is without problems in one way or another. the difference is the degree of problems, and scope. so keep in mind from the start that i'm not going to take a "everything that's problematic needs to be thrown out" stance, bc that's just not realistic and we'd be left with nothing.

harry potter is a unique beast bc of joanne's transphobia and not inconsiderable money and power that she uses to lobby for it. it's not like enjoying works by lovecraft, who of course held many bigoted views but is now long dead. buying a lovecraft book does not directly provide monetary support to the bigotry. on the other hand, buying a harry potter book does. and even things that may not have a financial boon for joanne are still aiding to the popularity of the franchise, still aiding the platform she uses for her bigotry.

at the same time, it's impossible to say that people cannot have an emotional attachment to her work. ignoring the myriad of problematic elements for a moment (bc wow there really are a lot), joanne fundamentally wrote a story about a boy who was an outcast, who was unloved by the family he had, who didn't fit in, and found solace in others who were like him, just as weird and strange. it's impossible to ignore that, even if it was not intentional coding, that sort of story through a queer lens reads incredibly authentic and meaningful to the experiences of many queer people. i know many trans people in particular who found meaning in those books, and it's been a struggle for them to grapple with joanne's vocal hatred of them after feeling for years that maybe she understood, was an ally.

so it's already a bit of a moral conundrum. you can't support harry potter somehow without at least indirectly supporting joanne's transphobic lobbying. and the more you hear her speak about her bigoted views, the more you realize how much of that is in the books. and then you also run into the problem of your brain being latched onto it, unwilling to let go. it's genuinely a shitty situation.

now everyone can come to different conclusions about what is the "correct" course of action here. some people think that loudly enjoying harry potter with the addendum of "everyone is trans" is sufficient, death of the author as it were (quick note that isn't what death of the author means, but that is the claim people make). some people say you have to throw the whole thing out, become vocally against everything in it. some people say you have to enjoy within reason: don't buy merch but you can still read the books/watch the movies/etc., just pirate and you're all good.

and tbh i'm not going to tell anyone what's "right", bc this is a moral dilemma. not everyone's morals are going to align with mine. but if you're like me and joanne's views upset you too much, if the issues in the books are a little too uncomfortable to look past, if the idea that you might be funding hatred against your own group, against friends, against those you love keeps you up at night - it's definitely time to try and move on from it.

so, if you've settled on that course of action, what do you do? first off, you gradually limit your exposure. if you run a specific themed blog, write fanfic, draw fanart etc., those are the easiest things to start cutting out (mind you, you don't have to cut it out completely from the get go! maybe you write/draw but don't post as an example). if you desperately need to, reading/watching on physical media you already own is okay, or pirating instead. gradually weaning off is the key. eventually as you stop, the hyperfixation DOES begin to alleviate.

and again, this is only for this VERY particular piece of media under this very particular circumstance. were we in a lovecraft situation, where yes there's problems with the text but the man is dead and you're not funding bigotry, we truly wouldn't need to HAVE this conversation. my advice there would just be to consume responsibly and acknowledge the problems without making excuses for them. and to be clear, when the thing in question is not causing direct harm, that IS my advice. bc it bears repeating: everything is problematic in some way, and everyone is going to have a different threshold for what is a workable amount.

but when you have things like harry potter where you're funding transphobic policy, or attack on titan which is straight up japanese nationalist propaganda that can and has caused harm to real life people, this is when the conversation shifts less from "the media is problematic" to "this is actually affecting real life people". which...again, part of the reason this is such a layered conversation. honestly even with as long as i've rambled here about it, i've still barely scratched the surface of it all.

tldr: if your support/consumption of a particular piece of media is concretely (as in there is significant evidence and actual easy to identify examples of this) causing harm to real life people, it's time to consider weaning off of it by gradually limiting consumption, and not providing monetary support. if your support/consumption of a particular piece of media is NOT concretely causing harm to real life people and merely has problematic elements, acknowledgment of said elements and critical thinking is sufficient.

[movedtooh-westly]

Heyo, your ocs are so interesting! I already love them. Do you have a story line for the characters? What are some facts about them? Have a good day and don't forget to drink lots of water :)

Okay for starters, thanks for the ask! hope you’re well too! it makes me happy when people are interested in whatever i’m working on :D (it’s a long post, strap in)

A general plot to the story (mind you, it’s still in it’s early stages of being created):

Alinsky Cross, a dangerous combination between a kleptomaniac and a genius, is a master at orchestrating large scale tests and thefts, stealing items like priceless objects and large sums of money. However, he becomes increasingly confident and lets his guard down during a specific heist. The people he was stealing from were called the American Artefact Collection Committee (AACC). The AACC were able to pinpoint who stole their most prized artefact (which is a little acorn-looking thing with origins that are not human, dubbed ‘tenebrarius’), as Alinsky underestimated their security. However, they ruled out the possibility of Alinsky being the thief and instead, captured his father, Ernst Cross, in retaliation. Alinsky is unaware that it was the AACC who captured him or that it was even his fault to begin with. After about a year since Ernst’s abduction, Alinsky starts to explore different methods of finding him. Running out of new and successful ways, he turns to more mythological ideas. While Alinsky believes it was natural for his brain to wander into hypothetical territory, his actual influence came from a connection to the magic world he is unaware of. 

This magic 6th sense came from an encounter with a demon (which are part of the magic world) when he was barely five. He escaped it, only suffering a scratch on his left hand. wounds inflicted from Faefolk to humans leave the human with a connection to the magic world, which is why Alinsky can sort of sense magical presences. 

This leads him into capturing Esther Snowe, a member of the Faefolk council, in exchange for the secrets to fairy technology. Ernst is brought home a year after Esther is released with the tech, but the reunion isn’t a happy one. 

Facts about the characters: 

My main character lineup consists of 

Alinsky Cross

Bear (Harding Dietrich)

Esther Snowe (Elf)

Farley Coven (Harpy)

Odessa Dew (Elf)

Elisabeth Cavey (Dwarf)

Rooney Pelph (Centaur)

I’ve made a post about Alinsky already here. It has some general info and fun facts about the gremlin boy.

Bear is a martial-artist and had been training since he could walk, basically. When he graduated, he pursued an education in becoming a butler, before becoming bored and instead ending up on the wrong side of the law. He was employed by gangs and other underground companies as a tank or bodyguard. Bear also worked as a contract-killer for a while before deciding it wasn’t for him and instead used his 30s to travel the globe. He was finally employed by Ernst and Vivian Cross before Alinsky was born and the three became rather close friends. When Alinsky was born, Bear became his personal bodyguard. He’s a big softie but that’s usually only revealed after you get through the walls of blank faces and reserved nature. 

Bear facts: 

He used to be in a swing band (he played BARITONE SAX)

Bear likes to bake and can make one mean quiche

Bear is a big fan of ABBA 

Esther Snowe is the Elf Representative in the Council. She is one of 13 Reps (each corresponding with a Fairy race) and the only female to become a member in five centuries. She was apart of the FAE (Federal Army and Enforcement, hehe) and had actually made lieutenant before she quit. She had witnessed the death of some civilians and believed they were her fault and she found it easier just to run. She couldn’t properly let go, however, and often visits her old friends during breaks and stuff. Esther was a role model for aspiring members of parliament and her unexpected abduction was pretty tough on her. Esther is an optimistic and strong individual with a fighter’s spirit and one hell of a social butterfly.  

Esther facts:

Esther likes to collect knives and is quite skilled in knife combat

She’s scared of small spaces

Esther makes little pompoms just for fun

Farley Coven is the FAE’s technical person. They had upgraded the interfaces, tools and gadgets to their liking and it’s pretty much useless to try and use it without their help. Farley is a big fan of human TV shows and often watches famous sitcoms during work. They had been a bit of a nerd during their schooling years but had really come to grow on the FAE’s troops and atmosphere, especially since Dew is such a joy to tease. Farley is a cool and relatable individual with too many jokes and not enough time. 

Farley facts:

Farley is incredibly smart but likes to hide their intelligence under a laid-back facade

They have that ✨shrimp posture✨

Friends is definitely their favourite sitcom (they also probably watch buzzfeed unsolved tbh)

Odessa Dew (or just Dew, Commander, your highness, etc) is the Commander of the FAE’s 1st precinct. She’s a skilled fighter and takes a lot of pride in her job. Dew’s first job option was a teacher but found herself rather unfit for teaching (i.e she might have thrown a kid across the room). She’s well respected and is part of the family in the FAE. Dew specialises in retrieval missions and loves field action. she also may have a small crush on Esther but we repress that stuff don’t we . Dew’s a tough and enthusiastic person but has that that “i would fistfight god behind the 7eleven” energy. 

Dew facts:

Dew has a hoarding problem with plants

She likes watching sports

Her and Farley are best buds, even if she won’t admit it

Elisabeth Cavey is a competitive digger, which is a popular sport among the burrowing races of the fairies (e.g. gnomes, dwarfs). It’s mostly a hobby but she’s gained some popularity in the recent years. Elisabeth had started out wanting to become a nomad and live on the surface but had decided to become a sport star while she was in senior school. She’s pretty competitive but rather shy and spends her spare time gardening. Elisabeth is also quite sensitive and has a tendency to take things personally. 

Elisabeth facts:

She has totally thought of just bailing and living secretly on the surface

With help, she pirates human novels to read

Like Dew, Elisabeth is also a plant hoarder

Rooney Pelph is a national racer and competes in races and obstacle courses. He’s very hyper and barely sits still. He doesn’t really sleep much either. Rooney is a big fan of games (like tag and whatnot) and dreams of playing with others his age, but centaurs usually give up on games once they hit 60. Rooney is also a big fan of video games but due to his stardom, doesn’t really get to do much gaming. He’s quite a calculated individual and is a deep thinker but is pretty bad at converting his thoughts into words. 

Rooney facts:

i totally didn’t name him after the headmaster from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

He’s a big fan of feminine clothing! he loves frills especially :J

Rooney will consume entire cans of mints in under an hour. 

if you got this far, great job. hope you enjoyed my ramblings. my inbox is always open if you have any questions about my OCs, story or anything else :]

[monsters-and-mystics]

Thanks for sharing about your OCs! They're really interesting and I love the lore you've created around them! Can you tell us more about how they fit in the twilight universe? Or the plot you're developing? (If that's ok)

💕💕 of course!! 💕💕

Let me start by saying one of my biggest miffs about the Twilight universe was just how... bare the supernatural world felt. Like, we really only got three supernatural creatures: Vampires, of which there is a healthy chunk; Shapeshifters, of which there is only one known group in the whole world; and the Children of the Moon (aka actual werewolves) who we only hear about in passing and have been hunted to near extinction by the Volturi. And... that’s it.

And idk it felt like this supernatural world had so much potential but like... it only scratched the surface, I guess? And that really hit home for me in Eclipse (I think?) when Bella made a little quip like, “And if Angela’s secretly a witch she can come too!”. Reading that line, my brain exploded with the sudden possibility of witches and more magic existing in the Twilight universe than we’d seen. And I could totally see how it could’ve existed in canon, entirely hidden but also answering the question of why some vampires got these amazing, otherworldly powers when they turned and others either didn’t have anything beyond the standard vampire package: ✨Magical✨humans vs Normal humans.

So, the way I’ve weaved it, witches and magic are just another layer to the Twilight universe, hidden from both the normal and supernatural worlds in such a way that if my OCs had never gone to Forks, literally nothing in the actual Twilight story would’ve changed. So, in a way, I guess my story is kinda a Twilight AU, a la “What would’ve changed if witches existed in secret and a family of them moved to Forks before Bella showed up?”

Just before the start of my story, the Dagwoods have to leave their current home in California. Because their Mom is away like always they have to go to a predetermined backup location and lay low until she can reunite with them. They’ve done this once or twice before, so it’s not too nervewracking for them but it’s still a hard move. Their current backup plan is the tiny town of Forks, Washington.

Amethyst ends up sharing a few classes with Edward and Alice (and an elective with Rosalie) and Dale has Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie in some of his. Amethyst accidentally reveals some of her less-than-Normal-ness to the Cullens while also picking up on their own strangeness. Friendships (and a crush on Edward that will totally not go away) start to bloom. She and Edward eventually make a deal that neither family will start asking questions or kicking up too much of a fuss about the other; that way, neither will get in trouble with any higher powers for revealing things, no one has to leave Forks, and both families can peacefully coexist  Now if only Amethyst would actually tell her own family about this deal rather than keep them completely in the dark...

(oh. uh. this is probably the point where I should mention my story is a slowburn Edward/OC fic haha 😅)

But yeah. So that’s really the main premise: magic, secrets, the comfort of having people who ��� like you – aren’t Normal, the curiosity/unease of not knowing what they are, fighting Fate/Death, dealing with the turmoil that comes with bringing constant death/danger into your family’s life, etc. etc.

tbh, there hasn’t been a whole lot of danger to Amethyst’s life since coming to Forks, so I sometimes worry readers might think she’s blowing things out of proportion or being overly dramatic. But after Amethyst gets out of her current depressive state (and I reward my dear readers with some happier times to make up for the angst and heartache of the last... idk... 4 chapters?)... well... they’ll have a better idea of what the Dagwoods are constantly going up against. 😉

Thank you very much for your questions, anon! 🥰I’m thrilled to be able to share my OCs and their story with you! It’s a lot of fun to talk about them here on tumblr

[kweebtrash]

Eres Mia (M)

Messy Chapter 8

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut, a smidge of fluff/awkwardness

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: mentions of drugs/alcohol, talks about suicide, the teeeeniest bit of violence, possibility of emotional manipulation, jealousy/possessiveness

Features: unprotected sex, creampies, rough fingering/finger sucking, oral/throat fucking, a little hint of bondage, rough hair grabbing, squirting, overstretching/gaping, daddy/princess dynamics, choking, relentless/brutal/deep thrusting, a bit of overstimulation/multiple orgasms, also being covered in cum

Word Count: 21,103K

A/N: So explanation about this chapter: It has some cultural references that maybe not everyone will get but I can explain them if anyone wants to send me a question about it. If you haven’t figured it out (or even just made a generalization) Eri is afro-carribean (the exact island is left vague on purpose, but it would be in the latinx part of the cluster). There’s also spanish in the chapter and tbh use google translate and if you still have problems again just message me.

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The Boys Group Chat

Taeyong: 5

Lucas: what???

Ten: 5 what?

Taeyong: my score with Eri is at 5.

Lucas: HOLY FUCK

Taeil: OHHH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.

Ten: how?? When??? What???!

Taeyong: last night. Shower. Against the wall. In the bed twice. And our usual against the door.

Lucas: how tf did u manage that??

Lucas: i thought you hated her

Taeyong: i never hated her. It was just the drama and shit

Taeyong: like at the party i just didn’t want a fight to break out. i didn’t want the cops called or anything

Taeyong: so like i kicked her out but it was just because i knew she would have thrown the first punch

Lucas: well you aren’t really wrong

Lucas: i don’t blame you for not wanting the cops to show up

Taeyong: i had under 21 friends there. I didn’t want them to get in trouble

Ten: how did you even manage to get her to fuck you???

Taeyong: she called me actually. She was drunk af but sobered up before she got here

Ten: i cannot believe

Ten: i haven’t even been able to get with her AT ALL lately

Johnny: wtf is going on

Taeil: oooooooffff this is….

Ten: the tea brews itself

Johnny: Taeyong what did you say

Taeyong: i fucked your girl. She came to me instead of coming to you

Yuta: dude this is…

Johnny: don’t go near her again

Johnny: i mean it

Taeyong: dude i’m not scared of you

Taeyong: yall arent even official

Johnny: i don’t care

Johnny: dont touch her

Yuta: johnny quit it

Yuta: you can’t hog her to yourself

Yuta: just like jae can’t hog quinn

Ten: just admit ur jealous and move on.

Johnny: im not jealous

Johnny: you just dont deserve her after the stunt you pulled at the party

Taeyong: clearly i do because shes been thinking about fucking me for a long time

Taeyong: maybe even while shes been fucking you.

(Johnny has left the chat)

Ten: fuck

Yuta: this is getting fucking ridiculous

Yuta: i mean she texted me like when she was with him i think

Yuta: like she didnt care that she was with him and was being cute with me

Lucas: she flirts with everyone

Lucas: do you think she does actually wanna be with him?

Taeyong: who cares

Taeyong: fact of the matter is shes up for grabs

Taeyong: and if I wanna go after her i will

Yuta: WHOA WHOA

Yuta: you mean try and date her?

Ten: taeyong thats not a good idea

Taeyong: i never said id date her

Taeyong: but if shit happens, shit happens

Taeyong: thats all im saying

–

It was strange waking up in bed next to Taeyong. We had never done that before especially since the last time we were together we had to leave the office quickly. He looked strangely innocent when he slept, his shaggy hair ruffled and sticking up in random places and lips slightly pouted. I watched his chest rise and fall with each soft breath for a moment while I tried to keep my head from spinning. This…might have been a bad idea. I was in my feelings for Johnny and I knew that I only hooked up with Taeyong as a sort of rebound/revenge plot. I didn’t want to tell him that but I was sure we were still platonic enough that it didn’t matter. Taeyong wouldn’t make things weird or messy. This would just be a one time thing…or a five time thing. We may have gotten a bit carried away. He was tentative in the shower, making sure that I was still sober enough to be okay. He washed me, helped me wash my hair, and let the heated water run over me to warm me up. And when he slid down to wash my legs his lips met between my thighs and I couldn’t help but give in to his tongue.

He was no Taeil but he knew enough to make me try and steady myself against the slippery tile and grip onto his hair tightly. It was relaxing to finally get off by being eaten out, to just sit back and let him do all the work. It was definitely something I missed. After the shower, we dried off and he put me into some of his pjs (which were tight as all hell on me) and we relaxed in his bed. I got some more water in me and slowly weaned off the rest of the alcohol. Somewhere in the middle of trying to sleep we got lost in each other’s lips which somehow lead to him keeping me against his bedroom wall and fucking me as deep as he could go. Mid morning came and we didn’t want to get up. So of course the next option was to 69 then fuck me into the mattress. Just when I thought I would finally be able to leave he wouldn’t stop kissing me as I got to his bedroom door and we had a proper deja vu moment of last semester.

By the time I actually got home it was late at night and I was sore as all hell. I left him covered in hickies, scratches, and bite marks- my typical calling card- and he left me wanting to sleep for days. I collapsed on my bed unmoving for hours on end and barely making it to class the next day. Johnny was there of course and I tried my best to avoid him like the plague. That was always the hardest part. When we were on our highs, being next to each other radiated chemistry and we would rather pass the time sexting than paying attention. When we were on our lows, everything was ice cold and I detested even being within his vicinity. He still wouldn’t open up to me or even let me tell him that it was okay to cry. He didn’t need to worry about that with me. Of course he wouldn’t listen and we were stuck in a frozen tundra that didn’t let us move one way or the other. I tried my best to instead focus on studying for once. My grades were alright but they could definitely be better and I didn’t want to have to waste more money repeating classes. I spent my nights hitting the books and hoping I could retain enough information to pass. I was holed up in my room as usual when I heard knocking on the front door and i wondered if maybe Quinn forgot their keys. It seemed a little early for them to come home from being with Jae. I set my textbook down onto my desk and padded towards the living room. When I opened the door I hated what I saw.

His eyes were bright red and he reeked of menthol and weed. He leaned against the door frame, a big grin on his face that happiness didn’t seem to be the cause of. “What are you doing here?” I whispered in disbelief.

“What am i doing here?” He licked his lips and chuckled. “What are you doing fucking Taeyong?”

My eyes went wide. “Did he…did he tell you?”

“He told everyone in our chat. 5 times, huh? That a record or something?”

I backed away from him hating how he was acting and being hurt that what I did was blasted over some group chat. I couldn’t believe Taeyong would do something like that. I had stated plenty of times who i had hooked up with but it was on my terms, with my permission, not like gossiping around a watering hole. “You need to leave.” I swallowed hard and didn’t look at him. My voice was too unsteady for that.

I heard the door snap shut and looked up to find him looming over me. “Not a chance. Not until I make you forget all about that stupid bastard.”

He grabbed onto my sweater and pulled me towards him, easily overpowering me to crash his lips against mine. I clawed at his coat, digging into the soft fabric as I tried forcing myself away. I slammed the side of my fist into his chest and pushed him back. “NO! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to come back into my life whenever you decide to! I’m not something to have at your convenience and I sure as hell don’t need you to keep leading me on.”

“Leading you on? Where am I leading you too?” His hands still had a hold of my neck and shoulders which I could not shake.

I could feel the tears already trying to come forth but i grounded myself, dug deep within me to stop them. “Leading me to you. I always get led back to you.”

“You don’t want to get led back to me.” He laughed. “I’m fuckin’ useless!”

I grabbed at his hands, wanting them off me. “Stop that! I’m not your fucking therapy and my purpose is not to fix you.”

“I don’t want to be fixed! I want to be fucked!”

“And that’s another layer to your goddamn problem, Johnny! Life isn’t all about diving into sex to make yourself forget! You need to reevaluate what’s going on in your life before you put your hands on someone else’s.”

“I don’t want you to have Taeyong on you.” He kissed me, gentler this time. “Or Lucas.” Another kiss. “Or Taeil.” A small lick. “Or Yuta.” He sucked on my bottom lip for a second before kissing me again. “Or anyone else.”

“You cant have me all to yourself. That isn’t how this works. You don’t want me, you only want what you see on the surface. You don’t give a shit about what’s beneath and you definitely don’t want to see it.”

He released me from his grasp and scoffed. “The surface? I’ve let you dig inside my brain more than anyone else in my life. You’re stuck inside there now, you can’t move. You know how sick i’ve felt, how weak i am, how less of a man i am-”

“Save that bullshit, Johnny! It’s not true! I told you it was okay to cry! It doesn’t mean you’re less of a man! It just means you’re a normal human being. Men can cry. Men can show emotion and they should. I just wanted to help…to be there for you.”

“You’re wrong. I’ve always had to be the man. There wasn’t any room for me to cry!” He screamed. “You want to talk about not wanting what’s beneath the surface? You’re already there, Eri. You’ve seen everything I could possibly hate to show anyone.”

“And yet you’re coming to me just so you can be buried inside something for an hour or two. That’s what it’s actually like to feel useless and discarded. I know you don’t fucking care and you never will.”

“This is starting to get messy…it’s a clusterfuck and it keeps growing.”

“You just keep fueling the fire.” I said. “I’m not going back. I can’t. My heart can’t take it. I hate seeing you like this. I hate hearing you like this and I want to help. I really do. But i can only take so much before you start swallowing me whole.”

He grabbed me again, pressing me against the door and trapping me between it and his body. “This is how you help.” His breath was heavy against my neck, tickling the sensitive skin there. I shuddered and failed to squirm away from him. “I know you’re not going to fix me. I can do that on my own, eventually, but right here, right now this is what I want.”

“Well i don’t.” The tears fell and i slammed my fist back against the door, pissed entirely that it was happening again. I shouldn’t be crying over him anymore. “I don’t want to be what you push inside of. You don’t want to know what’s really going on with me. You’d run away from me as much as I want to run from you.”

“You think i’d be scared of what you’ve done? What you’ve been through? Its nothing, Eri.” He grabbed my chin and and jerked my head to the side so he could growl in my ear. “I want you. Raw. Dirty.”

“You want me black out drunk? You want me with a broken hand through drywall? You want me bleeding out in a tub with a knife in my hand? You want me laying on the floor unable to breathe and falling in and out of consciousness? You want me running away from the one good thing i’ve ever had in my life?” My voice trembled again. “You want me hiding who i really am from my family? You want me watching myself be the cause of people’s hurt? Because that’s what’s really raw and dirty. Or do you just want to fuck as always?”

He hoisted me onto his waist suddenly, crushing me now to the point where i could barely breathe. I wrapped my legs around his as he shoved his forehead against mine. “Give me it. Give me all of it, Eri.”

I tried not to kiss him, i really did, but my heart shoved me towards it. My tongue slid out to creep into his mouth which he warmly accepted. It was angry, heated, rushed, and broken- like the entirety of our relationship. I was clutching onto him desperately as if I was trying to shock my system back into loathing him. It didn’t matter if I made drunken mistakes or if he made drugged out ones, every time, we somehow found a way back to each other as if we were tied with a string of fate. “Why?” I whispered when I finally caught my breath. “Why don’t you talk to me? For weeks at a time…it hurts…”

“Because i hate the way I feel about you.” He panted.

I licked my lips and hovered them over his. “How do you feel about me?”

He shook his head. “I…don’t worry about it. I’m faded as fuck right now. It won’t matter what I say.”

“Clearly it fucking does.”

“It’s only gonna get more fucked up between us.”

“It already is fucked up! Were fucked up! This whole shit is fucked up! We were supposed to hook up at the summer party and that’s it!!”

“Yeah and here you are fucking Taeyong and Yuta and whoever else you’d let inside you.”

I slapped him. The first time i’d ever wanted to hit him at all. I would’ve never laid a hand on him especially after all he had been through- i never wanted to be that person. Ever. But he crossed a fucking line and that small dangerous part of my brain was a ticking time bomb. He dropped me then and I fell right on my ass. I scrambled to get up as he stood there motionless.

“Dont…dont ever do that.” He whispered harshly.

“I didn’t want to! But don’t you ever come for who I sleep with! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to be a hypocrite because you’re fucking jealous! What are you even jealous for? I’m not your girlfriend!”

“AND YOU NEVER WILL BE!”

I felt a stab of pain through my chest that hurt worse than anything I had ever felt before. Was this…was this what Jungwoo felt? Had karma finally come to get me and pay me back for what I did to him all those years ago? It felt like I couldn’t breathe but I could definitely feel the tears flowing down my cheeks like a river. His eyes went wide and he took a step towards me. I took one back before sprinting to my room. I slammed the door shut, pressing myself against it and sliding to the floor.

He pounded his fists against it, begging me to open it. I was afraid he was going to break through the wood with how hard he was rattling the door. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my thighs, staining my pajamas pants with tears.

“I-im sorry, ok?”

No you’re not.

“I didn’t mean for it to be like this.”

Well it is now, so fuck you.

“I don’t know what I really want, Eri.”

I guess…i don’t really know either. Should you even be my boyfriend at this point? What would I do once I had you? Would my fear of love go away? Or would you make it worse?

“I like when we spend time together. You’re cool as fuck but we…we cant be like that. You know that right? I don’t get with people and stay with them. We can only fuck…”

I hate you. Go away. Leave me alone.

“I guess i’m broken or whatever you want to call it but i’m not a charity case. I don’t want you to pity me or feel like you have to take care of me. Like you said, it’s not your job. But for right now…this is how I handle stuff, just like how you handle stuff your way, you know?”

By being a drunk partied out mess, i know. Hungry for attention, starving for someone to care for them, and completely barren of love but wanting to fill that void somehow.

“I’m not fine. I haven’t been fine for a long time. My anxiety never used to be this bad. I never even used to have night terrors or panic attacks. It just got worse after…after the first time i got…you know, what I told you about before. Then college happened and it was so much pressure and I wanted to make my mom proud and happy and take care of her because my dad never did. You know even when i felt so fucking empty around Rixi, i didn’t sleep for 2 whole days because I was studying my ass off for midterms just to keep my straight A’s?” He let out a soft chuckle. “I have a 4.0, hookup with dozens of girls, work three jobs, go to the gym, and try and do my art. When i say that i run on energy drinks and coffee i’m not kidding.”

That’s adding to your anxiety, stupid. And so is the weed. And your inability to FUCKING communicate. Why do you have to be such a stupid dumb….MAN all the time?!

“I know that doesn’t matter to you-”

It does because I know you’re hardworking and care about what you do. You’re a passionate soul and i love that about you. You’re so dedicated.

“But i dont know…i guess I wanted to tell you anyway. I’m not making excuses. I know what I do is my own damn fault but i just wanted you to know.”

I shifted slightly and reached up for the door handle, scooting away to pull it open slightly. I peeked my head through the gap and he looked at me, eyes a bit puffy as if he had been crying too. He wiped his nose and made it seem like he was put together in his typical Johnny fashion. I still didn’t say anything but he crept his hand closer to me and extended his pinky. I looked at it for a few seconds before locking mine around it. He was quiet for a bit, the tension remaining thick and heavy. The quietness was only interrupted by a few sniffles from the both of us. I wiped away at my tears, wanting to remind myself that this was proof. This was what always happened. Either i ended up drunk or ended up crying when it came to him. Or both for that matter.

I truly felt like i should continue to make myself suffer with him. One look of those soft brown eyes and honey-sweet lips would draw me in and his soothing voice would whisper caring thoughts and expressions. I saw the blushes he had when he talked to me, the way he seemed embarrassed or nervous, but there were always underlying signs that proved he didn’t like me. Most blatantly when he said-no, yelled- that i would never be his girlfriend. Logic told me to run. When had i ever put a man before me or anyone for that matter? Masochism told me that I enjoyed the pain of being rejected over and over again and that it was a game. Lust told me that i loved when he got jealous and growled in my ear. I wanted him to tell me that I was his as he fucked me so deep and hard that I couldn’t move. Greed told me that I wanted him all to myself. I wanted all the attention, all the love, all of him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And rationality? That bitch was nowhere to be found.

“What saved you…when you tried to um…kill yourself?”

My head snapped up at the question. It hadn’t been posed to me since I met Quinn three years ago. It was something that I blocked from my brain and never reopened. But this was a test, to see if he could really handle what was fucking wrong with me. I squeezed his pinky tighter and finally croaked. “Daniella. She’s uh…she’s my little sister. I traumatized a 10 year old by bleeding out in a bathtub and she called the police and my mom. She tried to stop the bleeding. She cried but she kept pushing through. She was….so mature in that moment. More than I had ever been. She wanted to be there when they admitted me. My mom didn’t believe what was going on- more so in a sense that she didn’t want to believe that her kid was sick. Just like she didn’t want to believe I was gay at first. Eventually, she saw past it. She saw how much I needed her and how much we didn’t want to lose each other. But yeah…that was…it was Dani.”

“You know, her Quinceanera is in a week and I can’t believe she’s already 15. It’s weird how time flies…how I can’t exactly remember it all.” I continued.

“Are you going? To the party i mean.” He asked.

I nodded. “I have to. I’m like in the…so it’s basically almost like a bridal party. It’s real weird. But they pair us up and we walk down an aisle and Dani will come out with her big poofy dress and everyone will look at her and sing ’Las Mañanitas’ blah blah blah. It’s a precursor wedding and weird tradition I hated. So i never had one. And now, mom gets to put all her spite of her not having one and me not having one into an over the top expensive party for Dani, but you know…don’t help me with my student loans or anything.”

“Oh…sounds like a…journey.” I let out a small laugh and he crept closer towards the gap. I opened the door a little bit more. “It was my mom for me.”

“What?” I whispered.

“I was ready to jump off my school building after I got with her. I would see her everywhere on my social media and around town. I had to hide everything about how she made me feel and I felt like I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I sat on the ledge for a long time, thinking about it and staring at the ground. Just as I decided I was going to jump, I got a text from my mom. It said ‘hi honey, hope you have a great day at school! I love you a lot.’” He rubbed at his eyes and looked away from me. “I still have it saved on my phone- transferred over each time I got a different one. I look at it sometimes when i feel like utter shit. Then I call her.” He sighed deeply and I pulled him closer to me, the door falling open wider. “Have I ever told you thank you?”

“W-what?” I asked, stunned.

“Thank you. For being there for me. When shit hit the fan basically. You and Jae pretty much helped me through a lot. Is that like…a part of working through this? Admitting when you’ve been helped?”

I nodded. “It’s a start…”

He got even closer and kissed me, our pinkies tightening and lips slow and steady. My will was wavering and I was kicking myself again. It never failed. I pulled away and turned my head away from his. He sighed and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t make up for a lot of things, Johnny.”

“I know, princess. I know.”

“No, you don’t get to say that word to me anymore. That part is done. It’s only for people who know how to communicate.”

“Ok…” he said simply.

I let go of his hand and moved away from the door. He came through fully, sitting beside me now and set his arm around my waist. He kissed my temple then rested his chin on my shoulder. We stood quiet for a moment, trying to process everything. Nothing had gotten better at all. Everything was more confusing and more painful. I didn’t feel good and I didn’t want him here but at the same time I did. I looked over at his sad eyes, knowing he was truly sorry but still cementing the fact that I would never be his. Hurting was all I was good for and I accepted the karmic punishment.

I grabbed onto his shoulders and his eyes drew themselves to me. I laid nothing but whispers against his lips drawing him in to press himself against me and steal my breath away in a kiss. Gradually, our clothes began disappearing until we were naked in my bed, hands between each others thighs, stroking and thrusting until we were dirty with each other’s release. He didn’t let me go instead opting to grab my hips and keep me flush against me. “I want me on you. Not any of those assholes.”

“I’m not yours…”

“Tonight you are.” He dug his blunt nails into my hips and sunk his teeth into the base of my neck. It hurt with how hard he was biting down but I knew what he was doing; marking me so that whoever i was with next could see the deep bruise he was trying to leave behind. I clawed at his shoulders, whimpering pathetically and about to beg him to stop but he pulled away, pressing softer kisses to the deep marks instead. I shoved his head away seeing the playful smirk he had on his face.

“Ass…”

“You want a bite mark on your ass too?” he asked coyly.

I rolled my eyes and commanded him to get a towel to clean up the mess he made on my stomach. He gave me another kiss before scooting off the bed and heading towards my door. For a moment I thought I imagined it and had to blink twice but i saw him licking his fingers- the same ones that were inside me just a minute ago. He had never done that. Usually he’d wipe them on my sheets or something. I laid back and closed my eyes, tossing away any ideas of what that meant. I felt him on the bed again, gently wiping away his cum off my skin before laying himself between my thighs, his head on my chest. That also surprised me and i wished I knew what the fuck was going on in his head. Was it from all the weed? I didn’t really know how much he smoked before he got here. It could’ve been what helped set off his emotions and express his jealousy about Taeyong.

I wanted to pry at his stupid decisions and actions some more but I was slowly running out of energy to deal with arguing, anxiety, and my mood swings in such a short amount of time. I decided to lay in my self hatred with Johnny on top of me, our breaths flowing together into an easier rhythm. I closed my eyes and set my hand on his head. “Pet my hair.” He grumbled.

“You think that a half fuck is going to solve this?” I said, ignoring his request.

“No. We’re doing what we do best, hurting each other.”

“But why does it have to be like this?”

“Because it’s just who we are, Eri. It’s what we do. It’s how we function together. You want to call it off?”

“Call what off?”

“Being fuck buddies.” Yes was what I should have said. Instead, I shook my head and kept my eyes away from him. “Good…Because I don’t want to stop fucking you.”

“I don’t either…” I said softly. I ran my fingers through his hair now, pushing it back and feeling his sides that were grown out. "Remember when you asked me to feel alive?”

He nodded.

“Do that for me. Maybe me feel like I don’t fucking hate you for what you’ve done. Like i don’t want you more than I need to.”

He stilled against me and didn’t say anything. I could feel him looking at me and when I finally had the courage to meet his eyes I saw that he seemed to be hurt by my confession. Eventually, he mumbled a response. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

"Mostly i hate myself.” I hate myself for loving you.

“Dont, baby…” He turned my face towards his to continue our kiss. “You don’t need to hate yourself.”

“Just shut up, Johnny. Fuck me already.”

“Fine.” He growled and gave quick bites over my breast making me arch against him. I hissed slowly, gripping onto his shoulders and digging my nails into his skin. He morphed his bites into kisses, working to gather my nipple in his mouth to suck slowly but hungrily. Eventually, his kisses got even lower as he discarded my breasts in favor of moving down to the softness of my stomach. A little nibble beneath my rib cage jerked my body towards his mouth, edging my hips into eager swivels. I parted my lips to let out a sweet sigh and a small plead for him to keep going. His tongue dipped into my belly button, making me squirm against the wet heat. I inched my hands back to his hair to return him to my lips and stop his teasing but he had other plans. His hands suddenly came crashing down on my wrists, pinning them to the bed and practically crushing them. I winced at the pain and asked him to ease up but he only snapped at me.

“Shut up and don’t touch me, got it?”

“W-what are you doing?” I asked, nervously.

“Shut. Up.”

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, swallowing hard and full of worry more than sensuality. I tried taking deep breaths but I felt like I was getting more nervous. Johnny was quiet as ever but I could feel his breath tickling against my sensitivity. I licked the dryness from my lips and just as I was about to try and pull away from his hands I felt it. It was small and gentle, just the tip of his tongue working over my clit. My entire body tensed and I remained frozen in place. I feared scaring him, or worse, triggering him. We retreated into minutes of silence that made my heart race with worry. “J-Johnny? A-are you-?”

There were butterfly kisses to my clit before his tongue reached out once again. It covered the entirety of my lower lips, pressing a slick heat over me and gathering the cum left behind from his fingering to trail it back to my clit. He trapped the bit of nerves between his lips, suckling lightly. I knew he was being cautious due to nervousness and unease but it was also amazingly tender and sweet. I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and let out a moan hoping that he would take it as praise and a sign to continue. There was another long pause and my fingers curled in anticipation for more but there was nothing. I opened my eyes and looked down at him.

He was stationary, his eyes glancing over my center and lips trembling. The grip on my wrists got tighter, too tight for even my own liking. “Johnny…you need to let me go.” I said softly.

“No. I-i cant…”

“You can stop now, it’s ok but you’re hurting me. Come up here. Come kiss me, baby.” He looked defeated but saw the pain in my face and finally let my wrists go. I didn’t immediately shake out the numbing feeling and instead waited for him to crawl back up my torso. I held onto him as tight as I could, covering his lips, cheeks, neck in excited pecks. He did it. With me. It wasn’t complete or full or satisfying by any means but it meant so much. “You did so good, baby boy. So, so good.” I cooed.

He hid in my neck and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head quickly. “Don’t be. It was good. A great start, ok?”

“I wanted to try…a little at least so you don’t feel like i did when we fucked in the bathroom at the party. You shouldn’t want to feel alive with me because you’re numb. I don’t want that at all.”

“I just wanna feel good is all…” I held onto him tighter. “I don’t want to feel like i’m going to be thrown away.”

“I-i wont…” He swiftly slipped out of the bed and returned with a condom on. He whispered as he pulled my legs around him, pressing himself at my entrance. “I wont…”

“But you can’t promise that.” I swallowed hard and felt him sink into me inch by inch. The rest of my thoughts were voided by the methodical pace of him stretching me open. He ignored what I had said and instead focused on kissing everywhere he could reach as he thrusted slowly. My hands traced the length of his spine, resting in the center of his back and keeping him close. Inside my head I pleaded for him to not go slow, to not be intimate and stir up more dreadful feelings inside the pit of my stomach. Please just fuck me so I can be reminded of how shitty you are. Don’t remind me of how cute and caring you can be. I’m begging you Johnny.

I knew he couldn’t hear me so of course he didn’t stop rolling his hips to have his cock hit every space within me. He was panting softly, gentle moans mixing in every once in awhile. They sounded so precious and I couldn’t help but bury myself in his lips again. His hand pulled mine away from his back just so our fingers could intertwine. Nonono, stop that. For the love of god don’t do this to me.

He squeezed my hand tight and I felt my tears resurface. This is what scared me the most. Not him leaving or him ignoring me or throwing me away. This Johnny, the human, sentimental, emotional man that could have me fall into his arms (and bed) at the snap of his fingers. I was helpless against him and I just craved more and more torture. He kissed away my tears and nudged our foreheads together. “Hey…it’s okay.” He breathed.

It is not okay. It will never be ok. But he took care of me, stilling every so often to regain his composure as i could feel him throbbing and ready for another release. Worst of all was that I wanted him too. I wanted him to feel good, another hurtful self sacrifice because I cared so much about him. I gave him a soft plea to cum for me, which he took instantly. His free hand slipped between us, his thumb pressing small acts of pleasure into my clit as his other hand never left mine. He only squeezed my fingers tighter while my walls squeezed him the same way. Just at the very end his hips made quicker snaps, hitting the back of my thighs and making my back arch from the mattress. And in one fell breath i felt my stomach heat up and the most comforting sensation flowing within me.

My cheeks flushed as I had never felt anything like it before and wondered what the hell did he do differently. Maybe it was because i was so damn love drunk that it made everything seem better when i was with him. It wasn’t until he jerked out of me so harshly that I snapped my thighs shut. “O-ow! Johnny, what the-”

“The condom broke.” He trembled.

“Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe what I had heard.

“Eri. The fucking condom broke.”

I looked down and could see his cum flowing out of me and staining the bed sheets, while the rubber had a slight tear across the tip. Our eyes met and panic slammed into me at full speed. “O-oh my fucking god. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.”

“You’re on birth control right?” His voice was an octave or two higher.

“Well no shit! But it doesn’t magically mean it’s 100% full proof! People still get pregnant while on birth control.”

“I’M FULLY AWARE OF THAT ERI.”

“DON’T YELL AT ME.”

“I’M SORRY I JUST…” I noticed him staring at me which made me more uncomfortable.

“What? What else is wrong?” He shrugged but continued to stare. “Johnny. What is it?!”

“Nothing! It’s just…i mean-”

“Oh, you asshole!!” I flung my pillow straight at his face. “I’m literally fucking panicking and you think cumming inside me is hot!!”

“I’M SORRY!!! I’ve never done it before and it just…looks good, ok?!”

“You are the absolute worse and I CANNOT stand you!” I covered my face that was getting heated up by the second. How could he think about that while I was panicking? How could I think it felt good and perfect when i absolutely loathed cum (and was panicking)? We truly were fucking stupid.

“Hey, we’ll be ok. I know we will.” He said softly, reaching for my hand which i pulled away.

“Easy for you to say. You have the easy way out in case that happens.” I grumbled.

He kissed my forehead and laid beside me. “No I don’t, because I wouldn’t leave.”

I turned away from him, shoving my face into the mattress as I felt his cum sticky between my thighs. “Yeah right…”

“I’m serious….i’m not gonna be like my dad.”

“Alright well, we’re gonna stop talking about this. I’m gonna shower and you can go home so I can die in peace.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re not gonna die. It’s just cum.”

“I’m gay! All I am is dramatic!” I huffed as I felt all flustered now and wanted to get away from him. I stood up and cringed at the feeling of it sliding down my leg now. I awkwardly shuffled to pick up my already cum covered towel just to keep me decent enough to get to the bathroom.

“Can you stop saying that? Because i’m like…not a girl.”

I looked back at him. “Well no fucking shit, Johnny. It’s just a blanket term because you wouldn’t understand everything I identify as. Just roll with it. I don’t have time to explain.”

I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom, locking the door tight. I tossed off my towel and turned on the water, sitting in the tub under the spray so i could suffer in silence. Eventually i ended up plugging the drain so i could sit in hot water for a bit and try and calm my nerves. I tried calling Quinn but didn’t get an answer, even texted them and still got nothing. They were still probably up Jaehyun’s ass or Taeil or someone else. I don’t know. I dialed again and waited patiently.

“Hello?”

“Doyoung, I need you please.”

“Be right there.”

He hung up as that was all he needed to know that something was wrong. I washed up, making sure to get as much of the cum out of me as possible, then rinsed and dried off. As i opened the bathroom door, Johnny was standing in the doorway, hand raised as he was going to knock. I glared at the lit blunt between his lips.

“’M leavin’.”

“Good. Bye. I have someone else coming over.”

He scoffed. “Wow. Okay. Fuck you too.” He turned away from me and headed towards my front door slamming it harshly behind him.

He made me so fucking irritated with his hot and cold bullshit. I trudged to my room and tossed my towel in the hamper, picking up my discarded pajamas and putting them back on. Around 15 or so minutes later Doyoung was in my room with an absolute cringey look on his face. “Look, i’m sorry but i needed someone to tell. You and Quinn are my closest friends and they’re not here. Please Doyoung…i know it’s gross.”

“You liked it…” he whispered.

“Please don’t remind me. I hate myself completely.”

“Why do you keep doing this, Eri? You are literally worth more than that.”

“I don’t know! I wish I knew. I wish I could just leave him but I can’t. Every time I’m mad, he shows me that side of him that I absolutely love.”

“That’s emotional manipulation.”

“It is not!” I protested. “Well…uh…maybe it is? But I don’t think he would be doing it intentionally? Why would he? He can get with anyone. He has gotten with a lot of people. I don’t think I would be any different. After all he blatantly said i’d never be his girlfriend.”

“And how did you feel about that?”

“I cried. Instantly. It hurt so fucking bad.”

“So we’ve come to the conclusion that a) he’s a fuckboy, b) he doesn’t want to be with you, c) he’s emotionally manipulative, and d) he couldn’t care less about what transpired tonight.” Doyoung gave me a shady look which made me shrink away like a scolded puppy.

“Well technically he said he would be there for me and then I kicked him out so…”

“And now you’re sticking up for him?”

“I’m not! I’m just stating facts. Doyoung, i know you’re totally and completely right. But i just…it feels weird. It feels different somehow.”

“I’m kind of sick of giving you advice and you ignoring it. It makes it seem like you don’t even care what I say.”

“No i do!” I grabbed onto his arm, sadly. “I do! i swear! I’m just a fucking idiot. I like to fuck up everything and keep myself down.”

“Why can’t you see that there are better people for you? Even ones that are right in front of you?”

I rested my head on his shoulder and set my hand in his, squeezing tight. “Doyoung, how can I…how can I stop when i love him?”

“It’s not easy to stop loving someone but…no offense- well a little offense because this is going to be hard to hear- you stopped loving Jungwoo because he loved you too much, you can stop loving Johnny because you love him too much too. You can run away and leave without giving him any explanation.”

I pulled away from Doyoung completely.

“I’m sorry for saying that and hurting you, but maybe it’s the kind of shit you need to snap out of it.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “And if you’re so worried about what might happen I can go to the pharmacy for you.”

“I-i just need time to think…” i said quietly.

“Well, you’ve got three days until it’s ineffective-or less effective or whatever. You can let me know ok?”

I nodded and felt him crush me to his chest. I held onto him for a long time, happy to feel a friends pure love rather than the tainted mess from my heart.

–

Johnny’s POV

“FUCKING SHIT!” I threw the beer bottle I just finished against my wall, watching it shatter into pieces. What the actual fuck just happened between Eri and I? Tonight was fucked up- no, beyond fucked up to the point where I just ended up more confused and angry then I was before. I paced back and forth across my room while thoughts zoomed in my brain. I tried to break everything down and figure out what i could so I could attempt to get my mind straight.

I was pissed off at Taeyong. He was such a smug little fuck about hooking up with Eri, blasting it all over the chat. And why were they counting how many times they hooked up with her like it was some sort of game? I didn’t want him anywhere near Eri. She was mi-. I stopped pacing for a moment. She wasn’t mine. She is not yours Johnny. She is NOT yours.

My pacing resumed. He didn’t deserve to touch her. And neither did those other assholes. I wanted her to myself. She’s mi-. As i grew close to the door i slammed my head against it, not too hard but enough to try and get it through my skull that Eri was not mine.

I had told her she would never be my girlfriend because I was angry. I knew it hurt her the second it came out of my mouth and I wished I could’ve taken it back. Our conversation was so back and forth she probably thought I was crazy. One minute I was mad, the other I wanted to be with her, comfort her, be inside her and make her feel good. I didn’t want her to feel like shit because of me but I was failing horribly.

What even possessed me to touch her like that? So slow and gentle? It felt like I was having an out of body experience and I watched who I wanted to be for her come out and take over. It was what I wanted to give her for the longest time. Something more stable to hold onto rather than whatever the fuck I was now. But that didn’t go over so well for my feelings. I was faded and more emotional than ever, a bad combination. I wanted to tell her what I felt for her but i don’t even think i’m too sure myself. Feelings were there but what kind? Did I have a crush? I liked her? Wanted to keep being fuck buddies? Did I love her? My body shuddered at the thought. I had never been in love before so how could I know?

I’ve always wanted to be in love and have someone to care about. I knew familiar love and friendship love but not romantic love. I wanted to take my girlfriend to the beach, to Korea, to visit countries across the globe. Take pictures of us for vacation scrapbooks and eat everything we could ever dream of. Go hiking with her and hold her hand so she wouldn’t trip on a branch and hurt herself. Laugh when we thought of a memory we had together or hold her as she cried. But i was also scared shitless of all of that. Could I even be that good of a person to her? I didn’t want to end up being a carbon copy of my dad. Why would I want to be the cause of my love’s suffering and leave them behind with a kid I didn’t care about?

Fuck.

The stupid condom.

I tossed myself onto my bed and groaned. I was scared of that too. I’m only 23 and work at a fucking coffee shop, what the hell was I gonna do with a kid? I’m sure we were gonna be okay but…it still made me a little queasy. Except for the fact that I thought cumming inside her was fucking hot. I was a complete jackass for thinking about it at a time like that but I couldn’t help it. Like me: worried to all hell and back about the condom breaking, also me: holy hell I want to do it again. I facepalmed myself and let out another frustrated groan. I was ready to just throw myself out a window rather than face my embarrassment and mistakes. Now Taeyong was probably going to be up her ass and I swear to god if he got with her I was personally going to go to his apartment and kick his ass.

I sat up and started taking off my clothes, figuring I could just sleep all this shit away and ignore it. I flung everything to a corner of my room and reached over to shut off my desk lamp. I noticed my little keychain that I had got at the bookstore resting on the desk. I picked it up and shut off the light before snuggling deep under the blankets. I kept the keychain close to me thinking of nothing but Eri as I went to sleep.

A week had passed since that weird half fight/half fuck between us and I was starting to get a taste of my own medicine. I hated not hearing from her and I found myself constantly checking my phone to see if by chance I missed anything. She hadn’t even posted on any of her social media that I followed her on. Whenever I would hang out with the guys at lunch none of them talked about her, not even Lucas. I had no idea what was going on. I tried to keep myself busy with school work but found myself thinking of her more than I needed too. Sometimes those thoughts implanted little sinister buds of sinfully delicious fantasies and in the midst of being hurt and confused about where we stood I was jacking off to thoughts of her more than I needed too. It was multiple times a day, whenever I was at home and it was starting to get on my nerves. I shouldn’t have been thinking about her like that when I was the cause of most of this mess but it couldn’t be helped. I was a stupid slut and would rather focus on that then the pain I caused her. I was in the middle of rutting against my hand and mattress only a few seconds away from cumming when my phone beside my pillow lit up. The brightness in the darkness of my room distracted me and I look at the screen, ready to ignore the notification until I saw who it was from. I wiped my hand on my sheets and snatched my phone up, unlocking it and going to the message.

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: hey

I typed in my simple response quickly.

Hey

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over

Fuck…did she actually want to hook up?

What for babe?

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇:  we need to talk.

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: asap

Talk about what?

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over and i’ll tell u dumbass

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: I mean it

Give me like 15 mins. Im busy

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: fine but dont keep me waiting.

I bit my lip and set my phone aside. It made me nervous to think about what she wanted to talk with me about. A small part of me was hoping that I could still get laid and have amazing makeup sex. But first…

–

Eri’s POV

I hated that I had to do this. With every fiber in my entire being. It was definitely up there with one of the worst decisions I would have to make. I didn’t want to talk to him or even make him think that I had forgiven him. I had purposefully ignored him like he had done to me so many times before. Even when he sent me the occasional text I left him on read. It felt good to have that power but I had to cut my reign of terror short when I realized that my problem needed a solution and fast. Time was running out and I exhausted all my resources. I knew I was going to regret this but it had to be done. My stomach was in knots as I waited for him. 15 minutes was a lie, it was over a half hour before he showed up at my place. His hair was damp and he smelled of fresh cologne and soap. I stared at him quizzically when I opened the door. He smiled at me, looking like he was happy to see me while I was mortified to see him. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy either. Just a white crew neck and some skinny jeans and winter coat but he still looked so damn good. Stupid fucker.

“Sooo…” he started, chewing on his bottom lip a little bit. I yanked him into my apartment and dragged him towards my room, slamming the door behind us. “Oh shit, ok.” He grabbed at his shirt, about to take it off when I stopped him.

“No! None of that!” I swatted at his hands. “That’s not what I called you over here for.”

“Oh…” he said, dejected.

I rolled my eyes. “Look, i don’t have any other choice. You were the last person on my list, so don’t like flatter yourself.”

“What is going on? You’re making me suspicious.”

I sighed. “Will you be my boyfriend?” Oh jesus christ no, not what I meant!!

“Excuse me WHAT?!” He screamed.

“AHHH FUCK, I MEANT PRETEND. PREEEETENND. PRETEND TO BE MY BOYFRIEND!!” I tried to correct myself.

“AGAIN, WHAT, AND I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, THE FUCK?!”

“Ugh! Okay okay, back peddling.” I took a deep breath trying not to fuck this up even more than I already had. “Just hear me out ok?”

“You better start talking asap, bro!”

“I need someone to come with me to my sister’s Quinceanera this weekend. I have literally asked every single one of my guy friends and they’re all "conveniently” busy. I seriously need help.“

"Why can’t you take Quinn or something?!”

I sighed. “Johnny, if I show up with a girl as my date my grandparents would disown me and it would make a huge scene at the party and I can’t take that away from Dani. My family has this thing where they obsess over asking me if I have a boyfriend or not. I’m the oldest cousin so according to them I should be married and pregnant by now. My mom tries her best to keep them at bay but if I just show up with someone they will at least be civil for this party. Please. I don’t have anyone else. I wouldn’t be asking you this if it wasn’t a huge deal for me.”

“Well that sounds like a personal problem. Sucks to suck.”

I was shocked that that was actually his response. It was a good effort I guess but I was stuck doing this alone. I hoped to all hell nothing would happen that would ruin this for my little sister. It was completely stupid that my family judged me based on who I loved or wanted to be with, that every question about my life had to revolve around me having a man. It always started with a blanket question, one that seemed innocent enough, but then veered into “when will you get a boyfriend?” territory. Not only that but I still had to be on the down low whenever I was with them. Dani knew and so did my mom who was still working to be supportive but that was it. I knew I couldn’t tell other people in my family. If I went alone I could just suck it up and be miserable the whole time which at this point looked to be my only option. “Sorry to bother you…” I said as i sat down at my desk. I lowered my head onto the top and tried to figure out a way to smooth things over with my family for one night.

“Eri…is this really that serious?”

I raised my head up and looked at him. “Yes. I just want things to go right with this, for her sake. I’m literally the black sheep of the family. I’m darker than everyone, my hair is curlier, i’m queer, i play in a heavy metal band, i’m not ultra feminine, and i’m as far away from traditional as possible.” I tried again to convince him. It was turning out to be more pathetic than I hoped for. “I will promise, like absolutely promise, to be nice and civil with you if you do this for me. Please Johnny?”

“What do I get in return?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Whatever you want. I’m too desperate to fight you on this.”

“Anything I want? You’re serious?” He asked. I could almost see the deviousness going on in his head and instantly regretted it. But I swallowed my pride.

“Anything.”

“Ok. I’ll think about what I want and let you know. I gotta dress up or something?”

“So you’ll do it?” I practically jumped out of my chair.

“Yeah, i’ll do it.”

“Fuck, you stupid bastard! You’re the best!” I threw myself on him, wrapping my arms around his neck in a tight hug. “It’s tomorrow night. We have to drive two hours to get to where I live. It won’t end until late so we can get a motel if we’re too tired to drive back.”

“A motel, huh?”

“Don’t even start, please.” I went to pull away but he set his hand on the small of my back, keeping me close.

“Tell me what you want me to do.” He lowered his head towards mine, getting dangerously close to my lips. I swallowed hard.

“W-well…wear something nice and don’t be an asshole. Um…pretend like I’m the greatest thing to ever grace your life? Hold my hand or something…or hold me in general. Follow all my lies and try to remember them. Be prepared to be grilled by every woman in my family and subject to a bunch of sexist and misogynistic comments from my stupid uncles. They’ll be some kids there running around and loud ass music. Um…you may have to dance with me.”

“Oof…I’m not a great dancer.”

“It’s fine, i don’t dance much either. Oh and don’t get drunk. Oh! And don’t let me get drunk. I think that’s the gist of it. I may think of other stuff on the way there. Is that all ok?”

He cupped my face in his hand while the other held mine. He lowered himself to my lips and kissed me gently, barely teasing my tongue with his own and making my heart feel like it was about to burst. When he pulled away my lips kept following him not wanting to let go. He chuckled softly and looked directly at me. “Mi amor, siento que no puedo vivir sin ti.”

I shoved him away. “BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

He cackled loudly, clutching at his stomach. “Is that “boyfriend” enough for you?”

“Where the hell did you pull that from?!”

“You said it’s a Quinceanera right? I figured I could put my 6 years of Spanish class to good use. How’d I do?” He was still laughing up a storm while I was ready to call off the whole thing. I couldn’t believe he would be able to possibly understand my stupid family.

“How much do you know?” I asked.

“Enough. I’ll mess up every now and again but I think i could pull off a conversation if I needed to.”

“Christ. Ok…If they say something to you just pretend you don’t know anything. I know they’re gonna talk shit and then you can come back and tell me. That’s all we’re gonna do, ok? Ok. I’m gonna throw up.”

“Why? I won’t mess this up, okay? I know she’s important to you. We’ll be civil remember?”

I looked up at him and nodded. “Thank you, Johnny. Seriously.”

He shrugged and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “It’s cool. So what time is my hot date picking me up?”

“Probably around 4, i’m sure I’ll need to help set up and stuff. And help with makeup. We can get dressed at the motel because I do not want to walk in heels in the snow and i also don’t want to mess up my dress. Where I live my mom said that the snow is more melted and they have clearer sidewalks so I should be good there.”

“Alright, sounds good…so…what’s our plan for tonight?”

I raised my brow, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I came all the way here and I figured we might…We could practice for being a couple tomorrow.”

“You’re going to give me a bunch of hickies and I can’t have that.”

“That’s the pot calling the kettle black. All you do is bite and scratch like a little chihuahua.” He laughed.

I stomped my foot down and huffed. “I am not a little chihuahua!”

“How about I make them where everyone can’t see? Then we won’t have any problems, hmm?”

I crossed my arms and pursed my lips together, hating how devilishly convincing he could be. He was a natural born flirt and it made me want to punch him. I nibbled my bottom lip contemplating if I should really give him the satisfaction. He pulled his coat off and yanked his shirt over his head, showing me his perfectly toned chest and how low slung his jeans were. Asshole. I grabbed onto the waistband of his jeans and pulled him close so we could crash our lips together. He pushed me back onto the bed and crawled on top of me, shoving his tongue past my teeth and coaxing me to moan in his mouth. I grabbed onto his shoulders and shoved him down so I could roll on top of him. “What’s the real reason you were late?” I asked as I dug my nails into his stomach.

“Jacking off.” He grabbed at my tshirt and tried pulled it up but I shoved his hands away and pinned his wrists down.

“I knew it, pig.”

“You act like you don’t do it. How many times have you showed me what you like doing when you’re alone, hmm? When we facetime and I call you late at night?” He teased.

“Shut up, Johnny. You’re so fucking annoying.” I dove my head down to bite at his chest, leaving harsh kisses in my wake. He tried moving his hands but i kept him pinned, liking the fact that he was the one squirming for once. I moved just a bit lower to land a few bites before licking through the center of his chest and up his throat. His entire body practically caved in on itself with how hard he shuddered.

“Fu-fuck…” He licked his lips and tossed his head back, moaning deeply. I blushed as I watched, feeling myself become victim to how good he looked. I resisted the urge to suck on his neck and went back to his chest, taking his nipple into my mouth. I knew this would truly make him squirm but i didn’t expect how hard his hips would buck. I moved my head away from him to over hover his face.

“You’re not being a very good boy are you?”

He opened one eye to glare at me. “When am I ever?”

“I think I should stop. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

“Oh don’t you play that game with me, Eri! That’s not fair!”

I moved away from him completely and made my way over to open my bedroom door. “Out.”

He sad up with an incredulous look on his face. “You’re kidding?!”

“You’re being bad so you get nothing. C'mon now.”

“I’ll be good then! Whatever the fuck that means!”

I shook my head. “I’ll pick you up at 4, ok?”

“Fuckin’ hell!” He got up, his jeans visibly tighter and pulled his shirt back over his head. He grabbed his coat and made his way out of my room with the biggest pout on his face. Just as he had stepped out of the door frame he turned back to me. “Can I ask you something?” He propped his forearm above his head on the frame and looked down at me.

“What?”

“Besides us freaking out…did you…did you like it when I came inside you?

My entire face felt like it was on fire and took a step back as if that would somehow prevent him from seeing my embarrassment. "I-i-i-i have n-noooo idea what you’re t-talking about!” I stuttered.

“I mean, did you like the way it felt inside you? Like how hot or how deep it was?”

“Please stop talking!” My voice was now a squeaky whisper.

Johnny smirked and ran his tongue over his teeth. “I guess that answers my question, doesn’t it? See ya tomorrow, Eri. And don’t forget, you owe me one.” He winked at me and headed towards my front door, leaving me more flustered than ever.

–

I spent the whole two hour ride telling him about which one of my aunts would grill him the most and which cousin got pregnant first and who’s baby daddy was a complete failure and which of my uncles was most likely to get drunk and cause a scene. I was sure he wouldn’t remember any of it but I was trying to over prepare him for the shit show that was my family. I also needed him to make a good impression so it would look like he was actually happy to be dating me. Fake dating me of course. We checked into the motel first and I spent most of my time being frustrated with my hair and trying to curl it the way I wanted it. It just barely cooperated and i wasted about half a can of hairspray trying to keep everything in place.

My makeup was more softer and neutral than normal to go with my pastel pink floor length sweetheart neckline dress (which made me feel lowkey so pretty). Dani’s theme colors were pink and mint so I was able to at least wear something I would like. Just as i had slipped on my gown i realized there was no way I could reach the zipper in the back. I huffed and squirmed, trying my damndest until I finally gave up. I opened the bathroom door just a crack and peeked out. My heart basically exploded and I wouldn’t normally say that my basement could flood in two seconds but this was definitely one of those times.

Johnny was checking himself out in the large mirror on the other side of the room. He wore black pinstripe pants that hugged his ass like a dream. The sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled to the elbows and a fitted grey vest covered his torso. He adjusted the black tie around his neck, fussing with it until he seemed comfortable enough. He had an extremely nice watch on one wrist and a silver chain bracelet on the other. A few simple rings decorated his fingers and his black dress shoes seemed to sparkle in the fluorescent lighting. His hair was even freshly faded and his bangs trimmed and slicked back. Lord have mercy I wanted to die. I swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths before I called out to him.

His honey brown eyes shot up to look at me and I gripped the handle of the bathroom door tighter. “What?”

“Could you um…help me zip my dress?”

He sauntered over to me I tried to keep myself within the tiny gap of the open door but he pushed it open leaving me exposed to all of his handsome glory. He found the zipper and slid it up slowly, making sure the fabric didn’t get caught in it. “Do you want me to tie the sash thing too?” I nodded meekly and felt his hands smooth over the fabric under my chest and slide back to gather the ends to tie into a bow. It was such a simple thing to do but it had my body turning warmer by the second. I caught him looking at me in the reflection of the mirror above the sink once he was done. He looked shocked, licking his lips as if he was trying to say something but not being able to get anything out. I turned my head back towards him.

“Do I…do I look okay?”

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Yeah, you look alright.”

“Oh…” I said softly. Just alright.

“I mean like you look good, you know? Um…yeah, real good.”

I avoided looking at him as I slipped out the bathroom. I didn’t have that much time left before we had to head over and I still had to wiggle my feet into heels that I was sure would break my ankles as soon as I got into them. I struggled to get them strapped around my ankles, huffing when my boobs got in my way as I doubled over to reach my feet. I sat down at the small desk and tried to angle myself another way but it was still just as frustrating. “Need help with that too?” He asked.

I nodded, defeated and he came in front of me, landing on one knee. He slid my dress up to my thigh and took my foot in his hands, delicately securing the straps around my ankle. I couldn’t help but feel like Cinderella in that moment, even if my so called prince charming was a fuck boy. “Thanks.” I said softly as I stood up. He rose to his feet too and it was weird to almost be face to face with him, instead of staring at his chest.

“Oh, i don’t like this.” He joked. “I’d like you to stay mini sized.”

“Yeah well they won’t be on for long. They’re already killing me. I just need to get through the walk and first dance and then i’m tossing them.” I nibbled my lip for a moment before pressing them to his, which seemed to catch him a little off guard. “Hmm, it’s nice to not have to stand on my tiptoes to kiss you.”

“Hm, let’s hope that walk goes fast. I don’t like those heels either.” He smiled at me and offered his arm. “Ready now?”

I grabbed my clutch from atop the desk and nodded. “You have the room key right?”

“Yep.” We headed out of the room and towards the parking lot to my car. “You know, the pastel pink is really nice with your skin tone.”

I straightened up at his compliment. “You really think so?”

He opened the door to my car and lead me to sit down. “I know so.”

I laughed nervously. “A-are you practicing your boyfriend skills?” I tried to make it sound like a joke but he just shrugged and went over to the passenger side to get in. I swallowed hard and clicked my seat belt into place before revving up the engine. “Oh, remember how I said if I told you my government name I’d have to kill you?”

“Yeah?”

“Well you’re going to hear it tonight and if you so much as ever repeat it you won’t have a dick, got it?”

“Why not? It can’t be that bad!”

“Trust me, it definitely is.”

–

“ERIANNALISSE!”

I cringed. I cringed hard and wanted to shrink away into a minuscule molecule and be non existent. I didn’t even want to look at Johnny to see what he was going to say. I could practically hear him trying to cover up his snickers. I sighed and put on a fake smile as my aunt came to me with arms wide open to capture me in a death grip hug that could snap my spine in half. “Ay, mija! Look at you, you look so pretty!” She paused. “Have you gained weight?”

“Nice to see you too, Titi.” I grit my teeth and tried to ignore her shade. Her eyes went over to Johnny, looking him up and down and squinting her eyes a bit.

“Eriannalisse, quien es este?” She asked who Johnny was.

I grabbed onto his arm, digging my nails into his bicep. “This is my….boyfriend, Johnny.”

He waved and grimaced through my death grip. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Hm…” Was all my aunt said. “Titi Carmen has been wanting to see you. I’m sure she’d want to meet…Johnny.”

“Yeah, i’ll go see her in a bit! I have to find mami and Dani first.”

My aunt kissed both of my cheeks and left to go join the gossiping group of women in my family who all suddenly turned their gazes from their champagne flutes to Johnny and I. I turned my back towards them and looked up at Johnny. “I will literally pay you .25 cents to kill me. Just make it quick.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Eriannalisse. What’s the worst that could happen?”  He smirked and laughed a bit which made me frown.

“Johnny, I told you don’t call me that. I’m serious. They can call me that because they don’t recognize who I am as a person. You can’t.”

“O-oh…is it a gay thing? Like one of your gay things that you won’t explain to me?”

I sighed and looked down at my feet. “Yeah, sort of. I’ll explain it to you eventually. Just not now ok?”

He took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Ok, i’m sorry. I won’t say it again.” He leaned down just a bit and gave me a soft (rated PG) kiss which made me smile.

“It’s just hard being around them…I wish it would be a fun time but-” I suddenly heard vicious clacking before arms were thrown around my shoulders.

“ERIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!” I recognized the overly excited voice and looked up at my modelesque baby sister. “I missed you so much!”

I kissed her cheek and turned around to properly hug her. “Hey, happy birthday.”

“You’re like almost my height!” She said, looking down at my heels. Dani was so graciously blessed with being 5’8”, skinny, with straighter hair and caramel skin as opposed to my milk chocolate. Her eyes were the perfect shade of hazel with flecks of green that sparkled perfectly. She was only my half sister as our fathers were different but we were raised both the same, save for the fact that she was a model and I was the throw away. “You look so pretty. I’m glad you’re not in black- Yooooooooooo, who is THIS!?” Her attention turned to Johnny, her eyes wide and mouth practically watering.

“Uh…hey.” he said sheepishly.

“This is my boyfriend, Johnny.”

Dani laughed and slapped my shoulder. “No, really!? Who is he?”

I pouted. “I’m serious. He’s my boyfriend.”

Dani looked at me then stepped up to Johnny. “What’s her favorite color?”

“Pastel pink.” He answered.

“Favorite food?”

“Pizza…and pasta.”

“What instruments can she play?”

“Guitar, and she sings.”

“What’s her favorite anime?”

“Sailor Moon.”

Dani squinted her eyes. “When’s her birthday?”

Fuck, he didn’t know that. I grabbed Dani’s arm, trying to get her attention from ruining our facade. “Dani, can you not grill him please? It’s bad enough Titi Lisa and probably Titi Carmen are talking shit about us already. Also, I haven’t told mom yet.”

“You haven’t told mom yet?! How long have you been dating?”

“It’ll be four months in December.” Johnny added. “We started dating right when the semester started. We have a class together and I thought she was cute so,” He shrugged. “Here we are.”

“Yeah but you’re hot. Eri has never dated anyone this hot before.”

“Well gee, thanks Dani! And i’ve dated cute people before!”

“Yeah cute, not hot. He’s hot. If you’re not going to keep him, I’ll take him.”

“You’re fifteen!” Johnny and I said at the same time.

Dani shrugged. “I mean…”

I held my hand up. “Don’t even go there. He’s like-” How old was Johnny anyway? “Way older than you. Stop being an instagram thot for once. Where’s mami? I need to know when she wants us to line up and start this.”

“I think at 8 exactly, but she’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I’ve just been chilling with my friends for now. This dress weighs like 50 pounds and I’m sweating like a whore in church.” Dani fanned at herself and hiked up the bodice of her dress. I looked at her poofy dress that was a beautiful array of soft Monet colors but way too 90’s barbie cake topper. It wouldn’t have been my first choice but I was sure mami wanted it to look as traditional as possible. “Oh, by the wayyyy, I know you have a boyfriend now but mami invited Josue.”

I straightened up completely when I heard that name. Josue was my childhood crush. He was older than me and I never stood a chance with him but we always played together. Once we kissed in my backyard and told me that he wanted to play house with me and be the daddy. I had been in love with him up until I was 12 when he moved away to a different state. “Jo-Josue? He’s coming? Here? Tonight?” I squeaked.

“Who’s Josue?” Johnny interjected.

“Josue is Eri’s big ol’ crush from when she was younger. All they did was play house together and be mommy and daddy and make kissy faces at each other. Then they kissed for real and he touched her chichi’s! But they never lived happily ever after because he moved away.”

“Dani, por favor, why do you have to be like this? I’m just happy to know he’s going to be here. I haven’t even seen him in like…almost 7 years. Besides I’m with Johnny now so it doesn’t matter.” I forced his arm around my waist and he clutched onto it tightly.

“Uh-huh whatever. Have you not followed him on Insta? There’s a lot of nice gym pictures. He hit a growth spurt. He’s like 6”3’ now.”

I swallowed hard. “Really? O-oh wow…”

“Sounds like a tool.” Johnny scoffed. “Ya’ll got beer at this place?”

Dani nodded towards the bar at the back of the venue. “Just fight my uncles off before they drink them all.”

“Cool.” He dipped out completely, leaving me and my sister to be swept away by our mother who had just stepped in like she was out of breath. She hustled to get us all lined up and ready like a bridal party ready to walk down the aisle. I sighed as I stayed in place, shuffling a bit as my feet already started to hurt. My mind started wandering to my childhood crush. Memories started bubbling to the surface; he had been my first kiss, the first to get to second base, and the first person I had wanted to be my boyfriend. He was three years older than me and I didn’t stand a chance with him. But his name was written all over my notebooks until I got my first girlfriend.

I couldn’t help but peek around a bit, wondering if he was already in the venue. I didn’t have much time to investigate as our entrance music started playing and pair by pair we walked into the main dance floor. I was walking with one of my younger cousin’s who I rarely spoke with so I barely paid attention. He had to yank me back a bit when I walked too fast and it made me want to punch him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Johnny leaning against the back wall nursing a beer and watching me intensely. I smiled in his direction, letting him know I was still trying to be civil but he just took another sip and shoved his hand into his pocket. I wondered if he was ignoring me on purpose or if he genuinely didn’t see me. I chewed on my bottom lip almost getting swept up in my thoughts, that was until I saw Dani walking into the room.

Even though I had seen her just minutes ago now that all eyes were on her she looked sparkling and glowing. I’d never seen her look so beautiful before and it brought tears to my eyes that I tried wiping away as soon as they surfaced. I was a proud sibling then. She meant so much to me that I hoped that this day always reminded her of the happiest times she had in her life. We had our ups and downs but for the most part I was always there for her as much as she was there for me. She embarrassed me and I made sure I had to keep her in place before she got too out of hand. Even though I was far away from home now, I knew we would always remain close.

The floor was hers now and we dispersed to let her have the spotlight. I retreated to one of the circular tables while her and our mom shared a dance. It was normally meant for a daughter and her father but since neither of us had them in our lives our mother was the one who deserved to have that dance. I felt a touch on my shoulder and turned to see Johnny sitting behind me at the table. “Want some?” He said, offering the beer which i denied.

“I hate that kind. I’ll leave you too it.”

“She looks nice.”

“She’s a little shit but I love her.”

“I could say the same about you.”

I whipped my head around to stare at him wide eyed. “W-what?”

“I meant like you’re chill! Like i like you. Not like like you but like we’re cool. Uh…you know.” I stammered.

“Right…yeah, um…ok.”

“You wanna dance?!” He said, changing the subject quickly. Dani and my mother had finished their sentimental dance and the dj had switched to some reggaeton/trap mix Dani most likely requested.

“Uh, you mean make a fool out of ourselves?”

He shrugged and chugged down the rest of the beer in a few gulps. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. My cousins were already grinding with whoever they invited or dancing in groups and laughing. We could probably blend in without being too weird. I kicked off my heels and stood up, extending my hand for him to take. I should’ve had a drink before I even agreed to this. My stomach was already in knots and my anxiety was making me feel like I was going to look stupid but he took my hand and we found a spot in a little corner of the dance floor. I stood in front of him waiting for him to make a move but he just stood there with his hands in his pockets. Why the hell did he keep doing that? Was it a nervous habit?

“So…” he said.

“Are you gonna like…move?”

“I’ve never danced to this sort of music. What do I do?”

“Literally it’s the same as rap music in english. You just sorta…” I gestured towards my family. “Grind on each other and act a fool.”

“So you turn around and just like put your ass against me?”

“Oh my God, have you never done that before?”

“Listen I was a dork and went to high school with a bunch of white kids and we like listened to Ke$ha and Britney Spears. What do you want from me?” He laughed.

“That’s unfortunate.” I joked. I turned around so my back was against his chest and I set his hands on my hips. “I’m not the best but I figure I can put my ass to use.” I worked myself back against him, swaying to the music a bit in hopes of getting him to respond.

Instead he laughed nervously and held my waist tighter. “How do people not get boners doing this?”

“I mean that’s what the song 'Too Close’ is about. Don’t tell me this is turning you on already.” I teased.

He lowered himself to face level and turned my head towards his to kiss me. I held it for a bit, enjoying the way the warmth of his tongue flowed over mine until I realized if my mom caught me doing this my ass would be grass. I pushed him back gently. “Johnny! I can’t do that. Behave!”

“C'mon, I at least need to have a little bit of fun while I’m here. And then when we get back to the motel we can-”

I felt a tap on my shoulder then. Johnny and I both looked up to see a tall, absolutely golden, green eyed adonis that looked like he could pick me up and toss me around in an instant. If I could have heart eyes I definitely would. I let go of Johnny instantly, almost pushing him away as my heart started to skip beats.

“Eri!” I knew it was him instantly even if puberty hit him like a freight train and gave him a deep bass-y voice that made my hair stand on end. He opened his arms to scoop me up and crush me to his barrel chest which smelled of high priced cologne. My feet dangled just a bit when he lifted me. “I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Oh my god, Josue…Jesus, you’re huge.” God I hoped he was huge everywhere.

He laughed and I tried not to show how much it affected me. “Oh yeah, I’m really into that health and fitness thing. You really uh…wow. Definitely not a teeny bopper anymore.” He set me back down and adjusted the sleeves of his suit jacket.

“Yep! Got bigger boobs now, haha!” Why did I say that? WHY???

He licked his lips a smiled a bit. “I can definitely see that.”

Johnny cleared his throat deeply. Josue turned his attention to the man behind me. “Oh hey, I’m Josue. Who are you?”

“I’m her boy-”

“This is just Johnny!” I interjected with a nervous laugh. “Just Johnny! Want to go get something to drink? We can catch up!”

Josue flashed his incredibly perfect teeth. “Yeah I’d love that.” He set his giant hand against the small of my back ushering me away from Johnny.

“Eri!” Johnny said sternly.

“I’ll just be quick!” I mouthed to him, letting myself get whisked away. He didn’t seem too happy about that but I could let him sulk for a bit. I was too preoccupied at the moment anyway.

–

Johnny’s POV

That was fucked up. Way more than fucked up and I was pissed off beyond belief. She was the one who begged me to come with her so she would survive her family. Now she was head over heels for some dude she had a crush on years ago who looked like the biggest douchebag to ever exist. He was taller than me and more built, had perfect teeth and no lisp. I wanted to punch him dead in the jaw.

I didn’t know what to do now. If I went after her it might cause a scene which I didn’t completely want. I still knew that this party was important to her sister and unlike her I wasn’t being an asshole for once. I could get another drink and maybe get away with being a little tipsy but her loud uncles were hogging up the space and the bartender’s attention. I grumbled as I sat back down at the table. my arms crossed as I contemplated leaving her and going back to the motel by myself.

"What are you pouting for?!” Dani said as she plopped down next to me, her poofy dress seeming to expand.

“Nothing.”

“Where’s Eri?”

“With precious Josue.” I said bitterly.

“Ah, so he finally found her. I knew he would.” She drummed her nails on the table thinking over her next statement. “You’re not dating my sister are you?”

“It’s complicated…”

“You’re fuck buddies?”

“Yes.”

“I figured as much. She can’t never lie right when it comes to me. So, you’re in love with her then?”

I snapped my head towards her. “Excuse me?”

“You’re in love with her right? I mean that’s the only reason you would be sulking over her because Eri went off with her new papi.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not sulking.” She was definitely Eri’s sister with how she blurted out things without consequence.

“Look, if you want to win her over you need to definitely do something that will make her remember you. Not that I want to hear about my sister’s sex life or even think about her getting p or v action, but if you got something she might like, go for it. And do it before she ends up going to Josue’s hotel.” She craned her neck to see where Eri and that asshole had gone off too. “Looks like he may have already given her his number.”

I looked in the same direction, my anger only getting stronger. They were huddled over their phones, laughing, with Eri casually (but noticeably) keeping her hands on him. I didn’t want to “win her over”. I wanted to stake my claim and tell him to fuck right off. The grip on my biceps got tighter the more I stared at them. “Ay, you got a younger brother?”

I turned my attention back to Dani, a bit grateful that she was distracting me enough to not go apeshit. “What? No? I’m an only child.”

“Wack. But like if you’re not gonna date Eri then likeeee…”

“You’re fifteen! I’m not going to jail nor am I interested.”

“Ok, ok…but like do you have any younger friends? What flavor Asian are you? Chinese? Or like them ones that dance on tv? The um…the Korean ones!”

“Oh my God.” I ran a hand over my face. “Yes I’m Korean. And no I don’t have any friends your age. My only young friend in Toronto is 18, which is still illegal.”

“Dammit. You know Eri be listening to that stuff right?”

I pulled out my phone, wanting her to take a hint that she was now annoying me without being too rude. “Doesn’t surprise me when she fucks half of Asia.”

“All her hookups are with Asian guys?”

“As far as I’m aware. But who fuckin’ knows.”

“Oooohhh I gotta mess with her about that. Guess she trying to get that carribean dick now.” She cackled and slapped my back hard as she got up. “Call me, ok?!” She said as she finally left me to join the gaggle of teenage girls that were her friends.

I rubbed my temples and took a few deeps breaths. I needed a smoke, badly. I looked to see if Eri was still stuck to Josue’s side but they were nowhere to be found. I looked around the dance floor trying to see if they might have gone there. Sure enough she was grinding on him now, definitely not as awkward as she had been with me. She was practically bent over and ready to get fucked by him. Fuck it. I stood up and weaved through everyone dancing to make my way over to her. I stood in front of her, watching as she came up from shaking her ass.

“Can we help you?” Josue yelled over the music to me. I rolled my eyes at him and took Eri’s chin in my hand giving her a deep kiss. She stumbled back a bit and gripped onto my vest. When i pulled away i licked my lips, tasting the slight flavor of her lipstick.

“Johnny!” She exclaimed.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked, in his macho voice, trying to one up me.

“Oh, you didn’t know?” I grabbed onto Eri’s waist and kept her close to me. “She’s MY girlfriend. You had your fun catching up right?”

“Eri, you didn’t tell me-”

She looked panicked as she glanced between us. “No, wait- It’s just-”

“Come with me.” I growled in her ear. “Now.”

“Johnny , I swear to g-” I kept my arm around her waist and lead her towards the front door of the venue. When we were in the clear she whipped around to face me. “What the actual fuck?!”

“I should be asking you the same thing! You’re really gonna ditch me to throw yourself on him? After you begged me to come here?!”

“I wasn’t throwing myself on him! We haven’t seen each other in 7 years! So excuse me if I wanted to talk with him.”

“Hard to talk to him with his dick practically in your mouth! What is wrong with you?!”

“Why are you being such a jerk again! You always do this!” She yelled.

“You’re the one being the jerk this time! I’m fuckin’ pissed. When are we leaving?”

“Leaving?! I have to stay here for at least a few hours! Clearly you don’t know how these go.”

“No, Eri, i fuckin’ don’t. But I do know that you going off with someone else while I’m supposed to be your boyfriend blows our entire cover. So either you fucking act right or I can leave right now. You sister already knows were lying.”

“Fuck!” She stomped her foot and sighed. “I knew she would figure it out. She better not tell anyone.”

“I’m pretty sure she won’t have to with you being stupid. Get me my cigs from your purse wallet thingy.”

“Get you-? Get it yourself! I’m freezing and I’m going back inside. And maybe i’ll still be talking with Josue!”

I grabbed her arm and held onto it. “Eri, do you want to go there? Really want to go there?” My eyes caught hers and i could see how hard she swallowed. Her chest was heaving chest a bit and trembling with the cold.

“What are you going to do?” She sniffled.

“Do you want to find out?”

“M-maybe.”

I let her go then opened the door, guiding her back inside. “Then keep it up. I dare you.”

She stayed quiet then but shuffled ahead of me quickly. I realized I had made her walk outside without her shoes on or our coats but it was whatever at this point. I needed her to know that I wasn’t playing games any more. She was mine.

–*

Eri’s POV

I could barely keep up with Johnny’s long strides from the parking lot to the door of our motel room. He continued his little tyrade of sticking by me and keeping me from Josue, never letting go of my hand, or my waist, even when he went through the ringer of meeting more members of my family. Him being pissed off had me pissed off and it didn’t help when my family told me how fat I looked, or asked when Johnny and I were getting married, or why I had spent so much time in college, or even that what I was studying wasn’t going to get me a real job. It made the entire rest of the night absolutely fucking miserable. Not to mention when I told my mother I was going to spend the night in the motel with Johnny instead of driving home at midnight she blew up on me, saying that it wasn’t right and insisting that I stay at the house. I refused to and I had no idea why she still thought I was some sort of Virgin de Guadalupe or some shit. It was another fight to end this magical night. I gave up and just wanted to take a hot shower, put on my fuzzy pajamas on and possibly smoother Johnny with a pillow as he slept.

Johnny barged into our room, not even bothering to hold the door open for me. I didn’t even want to deal with him since I was still mad at my mother for treating me like a child. I went straight to prepping for my shower, tossing my clutch and fake eyelashes on the desk and my phone on the bed so i could plug it in to charge. I unzipped the dress as best as I could without his assistance and shimmied out of it, leaving it a puddle in front of the bed. I didn’t care anymore. Not one bit. After I showered I pulled the too short towel around me and went back into the shared space. Johnny was sitting in the chair, feet propped up on the desk and tie loosened. He was glaring at me and I swallowed hard at the intensity. He dropped his legs and leaned forward in the seat, undoing the first few buttons on his dress shirt.

I tried to ignore the effect he had on me and instead went to my duffel bag to try and find my pajamas. He stopped me as I passed by him, grabbing my wrist and pulling me in front of him. “Ow! What’s your problem now?!” I asked, still trying to clutch onto my towel so it wouldn’t fall.

“This night was complete bullshit. I’m your boyfriend and all you could do was throw yourself onto that guy and embarrass me in front of everyone.”

“I wasn’t throwing myself on him!” I argued again. I hated that he was saying that. So what if I found Josue incredibly attractive and felt like a preteen again as soon as I saw him? That was my business and not Johnny’s.

“You grinded on him, got his number, and had your arms around him for minutes on end. You made me look stupid. I’m your boyfriend, Eri.”

“Fake boyfriend.” I corrected.

“That’s what I meant.”

“Why should you be embarrassed then?!”

“Because your uncles didn’t think that I was man enough to keep you with me. And your aunts talked shit about me all night.” He pressed himself up against me making the edge of the desk dig into my lower back. “You said you were going to be civil and you were far from civil.” He set his hands on either side of my hips, keeping me in place.

“A-ah, Johnny…back u-up.” I whimpered and avoided looking at him but he grabbed my face roughly.

“You wanna try that shit again, Eri? Hmm?”

I could feel his fingers digging harshly into my jaw. “I didn’t do anything wrong! You’re just a jealous prick that-”

He pulled away from me and shoved me back onto the bed, instantly hovering over me. My towel fell open just like my legs and he pinned both my wrists above my head in one of his large hands. I swallowed hard and felt my heartbeat increase. I had no idea what had gotten into him and i was partially thinking about what Doyoung had said about Johnny. Was he actually trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad for being with Josue? I bit my lip as I thought, wondering what his next move would be. “Get off me.” I tried to sound strong but it was a pathetic attempt.

“Open.” He demanded.

“W-what?” What the hell did he want? I figured it out quickly as three of his fingers dove down my throat almost making me gag. I squirmed against him, trying to edge my head away but he was adding more of his weight onto me as his fingers plowed into my mouth. His knee was pressed right into my center, the residual wetness from the shower dampening the fabric. I tried swallowing around the invasion when his knee started to rock into me.

“Suck harder, Eri.”

I didn’t dare look at him. His voice was doing something to me as always. Stirring the pot of emotions and hormones that made me fall into a space of complete submission. This wasn’t like his usual ways though throughout or hookups I could see the dominance poking through. Now he was another person that I was desperate to get to know. I tried my best to suck deeper at his fingers, sliding my tongue around them and providing them all the wetness they hopefully needed. I knew exactly where they were going and i was going to be stretched far beyond my imagination. With his thrust his rings kissed my lips, shocking me with a bit of cold and excitement. I edged my tongue around the silver as best I could given the invasion that took up most of my mouth. Slowly the metal warmed up and I pressed my thighs against his, feeling a tingling throughout my center.

He pulled his hand away sharply, making me cough as his glistening fingers dove lower. Two were rushed inside me making my knees jerk up towards my chest and toes curl. I was already crying out his name, wanting him to slow down just enough for me to catch my breath and adjust but he ignored me. Instead he was working in the third finger, forcing my walls to flex and waver around him. He was already digging my arousal out of me. I could hear it so blatantly echoing in our room. I buried my face in my arm beside my head, still being unable to free my hands though I struggled as much as I could. He seemed to like that struggle as his fingers curled deep inside me, knuckles pressing against my entrance, the rings threatening to push past and fill me up too.

“Fuck, Johnny!!!” I cried out as my thighs almost snapped shut. It was starting to be too much and I could feel myself already crawling towards an orgasm.

“Quiet.” Was all he said as he pulled his fingers out to give me some relief from the pressure. I was throbbing and gaping around the stretch he left behind, my whole lower half practically trembling. He finally let me go and sat down on the bed. He splayed his legs open, unzipping his dress pants and beckoning me over to him. “Get over here.”

I shook my head, raising myself to my knees and shrinking myself away. I wasn’t scared of him, far from it. I was definitely turned on more than anything but I wanted to push him further than he had ever been capable of. He wanted to be a jealous boyfriend that pushed my buttons well I was going to push right back. “You’re being a jerk. I’m not giving you the satisfaction, especially after you decided to barge in there with your giant ass fingers!”

He lurched forward and grabbed onto my arm before I could wiggle away. He yanked me to his chest then gripped the back of my neck hard. Our eyes met before he pulled me close to his lips. “I like it better when you don’t talk.”

I squinted at him, almost in shock that he used my own line against me. “You fucker.”

He pressed me down towards his lap though I tried to resist as much as I could. It was no use as he was stronger than me and I was face to face with his growing length trapped within his briefs. His hand was now digging into my hair keeping me firmly in place. I landed a bite to his hipbone making sure he knew I wasn’t too pleased in the way he was handling me. He hissed out my name and arched his hips, his nails digging into my scalp. I wrapped my hand around his, trying to pry his iron grip away while adding kitten licks to the outline of his cock. That seemed to soothe him a little as I heard him exhale through his nose as he relaxed back against the wall. His nails quit marking my skin and he opted to push my hair away from my face gently instead of trying to rip it out.

I slid his briefs back and guided him towards my mouth pressing kisses down the shaft before licking back up to the tip. Once I got to the tip, I took him in, swallowing his head completely. I shifted my hips to raise my ass higher for him to look at knowing it would tease him. I looked up at him and saw the full pleasure that was written across his face. His eyes had closed, his lips pressed together, and his fingers trailing down to open more buttons on his dress shirt. I popped off him and placed kisses up his stomach with each new area that became exposed. “I can tease that little spot that you like.” I smirked and added a slow stroke to his cock.

“Actually, I have a better idea.” He shoved me down onto my back and straddled my shoulders, his cock now hovering above my face. I couldn’t move with his weight on me and I was trapped between his thick thighs. He tapped my lips with his cock which I absolutely hated. I slapped at his stomach but he remained stoic. He only moved to shove himself down my throat, propping one hand against the wall while the other kept my head in place. He worked quickly to rock his hips against my face making me claw at him. I wasn’t used to this sort of thing, even with all of my experience, and it hurt like all hell. I was trying my damnedest not to gag around him but it was impossible given the fact that he was ramming into my throat. My eyes watered and tears fell against my will. My nails dug into his hips as I silently begged for him to slow down.

He was moaning my name, more than he ever had before, completely lost in the pleasure of torturing my throat. He looked fucking amazing, I had to give him that much, even if I hated what he was doing to me. I loved the way his hair was coming undone from the gel he used, the way his dress shirt lay open and his tie dangled above me like an invitation. The way his thighs stretched out his dress pants was a dream and I wanted to touch every part of him. I reached for the thinner end of his tie, pulling roughly so it zipped up to his throat. He lurched back at the sudden pressure and looked down at me. He must have seen my fucked up state because he pulled out, leaving me grossed out by the messy spit that connected us still.

"Fu-fucker. That hurt” I croaked.

He pulled off me completely before lifting me up to sit in his lap. He wiped away my tears and I buried my face in his neck, clutching onto his vest. He kissed at my cheek, pulling me away from hiding. “You ok?”

I sniffled and nodded. He worked his hands over my sides and hips trying to soothe me more. Of course he couldn’t help himself and gripped my ass tight which made me laugh just a bit. “I’ve never done that before…”

“Really?” He asked, surprised.

“Ok, I’m a hoe but like there are some things I haven’t done before. You have to remember you dick is huge, dude. I’m small.”

He gave me soft tender kisses and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I know, princess. I’m sorry. But don’t think you’re getting away with this shit either.”

I pouted and crossed my arms over my chest. “I stand by the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Hmm.” Was all he said before he tossed me face down onto the bed. I looked back at him as he discarded the rest of his clothes, dangerously holding his tie in his hand. He mounted me, as I was completely his to take and wrapped the loop of the tie around my wrists, pulling tight. “You like this don’t you?” It was supposed to be a command but I could tell it was mostly an uneasy question and he needed permission to continue.

I nodded and smiled at him. “I like it a lot, daddy.” I gave him a quick kiss sealing my consent. I threw out my rule of not using our titles with one another since he couldn’t actually communicate but in this moment I need him to know that I was his to command and I was giving him as much power as I would allow.

He wrapped the length tie around his fist, keeping a firm hold on it. His other hand jerked my hips up while his knee nudged my legs apart as far as they could go. My ass was raised, arms outstretched, and my body was trembling with excitement. His first thrust was swift and hard. I could hear his hips snap against me and I was barely able to hold myself up in that moment. My arms shook weakly and I dug my fingers into the sheets as my mouth curved into a silent moan. He was almost too deep for me to handle and every slam into me seemed harsher than the last. I couldn’t really keep up. It was overpowering and I wanted to scream my pleasure into the tiny room though I could barely even mumble a word.

My fingers curled as I tried to send tension to my arms instead of my weakening legs. It was useless though and I could feel my stomach tightening. He landed a slap to my ass just as I tried to pull away from him and regroup. I hissed and bowed my head, breathing out his title again. Suddenly, my phone buzzed by my head, the screen lighting up and distracting me. I turned to see who it was and winced. This was the worst time for him to call.

Johnny pressed my head into the mattress and sped up his brutal thrusts. “Why don’t you answer it, Eri? Let him hear how good you’re getting fucked. Tell him who’s really your boyfriend.”

I opened my mouth to say anything but all that came out we’re soft croaks. I panicked when I saw him reach for my phone and I struggled to move to try and block him. “D-dont, please don’t.” I was finally able to say. He let go of his grip on the tie wrapped around my wrists and instead set it around my neck. The call disappeared much to my relief.

“What a shame Eri. Let’s see if he calls back or if he took the fucking hint.” I swallowed hard and nodded, biting into my lip to try and still my moans. He quickly latched his teeth into my neck, sucking deeply like he always did when he wanted to mark me. “Stay on all fours, got it?”

I propped myself back to my elbows as he forced my thighs to rest on the outside of his. I could hear his moan of satisfaction at the sight of me splayed open with his cock stuffed inside me. I wanted to shy away and hide but he wouldn’t let me of course. He resumed his grip on the tie, pulling it taught around my neck and constricting my air flow. My eyelids fluttered and i wondered if this was heaven. Jesus, it felt so amazing even if every muscle in my body felt like it was burning and my insides were a scrambled mess. While he made my back dip by pulling my neck by the tie I felt his other hand slid down from my hips to my wetness, flowing over my clit. I was grateful for the extra attention and wiggled my hips to rock back against him and dive further into his fingers.

His finger started to trail from my clit to dance around my gaping entrance and just like before he pressed the long digit in little by little until it was almost as deep as his cock. I pleaded for him to stop, it was too much, too overwhelming for my overly sensitive walls but he kept working away at my torturous pleasure. That, coupled with his thickness, made the tendons in my legs strain as bliss shot through me. My moans mixed in with my strangled pants as he dared to press a second finger into me.“J-johnny!!” I rasped. “It’s too much!!”

He pressed his body weight harder against me, keeping me pinned so I would have no way from escaping the overstretching. “You’re not going anywhere.” He whispered harshly in my ear, making me shudder. He curled his finger then, the pressure of his knuckles against his cock, and the sliding of his rings against my heated walls made me clench meekly around him. Johnny enjoyed seeing me writhe beneath him, seeing me try and focus on being a good brat when in reality I was starting to unravel into a brainless mess. Nothing had a hold on my attention like the buildup he was creating inside me. I could barely process the words he was saying to me with how fuzzy my senses were. He curled his fingers deeper getting right to the root of my pleasure. The head of his cock was edging as far as it could go within me, his fingers pressed into the perfect spot, and his thumb brought back smalls swipes and circles against my clit. It was a haphazard clusterfuck of intense sensations that all culminated into a harsh orgasm that sent my mind reeling. It felt like my cum rushed out of me, painting my thighs with a deep warmth that was astounding.

I squeezed my eyes shut as my entire frame trembled. My muscles seized, tensed, and finally gave out. I fell forwards, collapsing onto the bed in a breathless heap. My lower half practically felt numb and I tried to concentrate on not passing out. It wasn’t just the physical fatigue, the mental and emotional fatigue of the entire day weighed on me in that moment. My few seconds of recuperation was cut short when Johnny pulled his fingers out of me. I felt another gush then, making me a bit confused as to how wet I really was. It definitely felt different and I could hear Johnny make some remark though his words weren’t registering. He said something else and I nodded weakly, agreeing to whatever he had posed just for me to have the ability to relax soon.

But that was definitely wishful thinking. He yanked me almost to the edge of the bed and continued his brutal fucking. I let him grip onto the back of my thighs as he huffed out growls and moans. He was swelling inside me, making me wince yet encourage him with mumbles that I thought were words. His fingertips dug into me harder and that sweet heat spread throughout my body again. I smiled and relished in the feeling of him pumping into me, slower and slower, until he milked himself completely. I laid there, unmoving and enjoying the way he felt inside me like I always did until I i lost myself in sleep.

–*

Johnny’s POV

I felt her move beneath me and there was a stickiness and sweatiness between us. I groaned as I didn’t really want to move but I needed to break away and get some air. My hand was over hers, my body curled around her, and my cock of course still inside her. It was almost perfect save for the giant wet spot we were forced to lay in because she squirted everywhere. We had both fallen asleep almost immediately after and i just adjusted her in the bed for me to have enough room to spoon her. Now everything made me feel like I needed an hour long shower. I rolled away, letting go of her hand and putting my forearm over my eyes to block out the bright light of the room. How long were we even asleep for?

She mumbled something and groaned, blinking a few times before fully looking at me. “Hey.” She sounded like she had smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day for the past 40 years and I cringed at my handiwork. She tried clearing her throat but opted that it was too sore and winced in pain.

“Hey…maybe you shouldn’t talk…” She glared at me and I shuffled a bit away so she wouldn’t attack me.

“I feel gross. Why is everything wet? What happened?”

“What do you mean what happened? We fucked?”

“No, no, I know that. But I was so tired at the end-” She paused to rub at her throat. “I felt like half asleep. It was good though but I was worn out.” She laughed softly.

“Well, you’re welcome for that but like…do you even remember your orgasm?”

She nodded quickly, her smile beaming. “Oh yeah.”

“You squirted everywhere and basically we’ve been laying in the soaked sheets because we’re dumb as fuck.”

“Wait…squirted? No, i can’t do that. I’ve never done that.”

“What do you mean you cant do that? You literally did. Twice. The first time when you had your big one and then when i pulled my fingers out. It was like…not how they make it out to be in porn. Like not some weird super soaker spray but like-”

She held her hand up to stop me. “Please don’t describe it any further. I just…holy shit.”

I pulled out of her slowly, never getting used to that amazing feeling. It got me every time. It also sent my cum dripping out of her which was almost as good of a sight as her squirting. “Fuck…”

She wiggled a bit, a look of discomfort on her face. “What the hell?”

“We’ll now we got my cum on the sheets…” I said, partially annoyed. We really had to get them off this bed.

“DID YOU CUM IN ME AGAIN?!”

Her yelling caught me off guard. “Yes? I asked you this time and you agreed!”

“When?!”

“What do you mean when!?”

“I’m sorry if I was too fucked out and tired to freakin’ listen to you blab during sex! But you can’t be doing that! It freaks me out!!!”

“Hey, i asked to cash in my favor and you definitely said yes so I did it. It is not my fault.” I sat up slowly and inched my way to roll off the bed. “Come on. We need to get these off and I think I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Aren’t you worried at all?” She said softly.

“Me? Not really. I told you it’ll be alright. We’ve got everything covered.” It was a lie but I was blinded by how good it felt sexually and I also didn’t want to make her panic more than she already was. I told myself I’d stop after this one last time and not risk it anymore. She didn’t move and I could tell she was overthinking again. I went over to her and scooped her into my arms, holding her bridal style. “I’ll have you get the shower started while I take care of the bed. She held onto my neck and buried her face in my chest as I walked her into the bathroom, gently setting her down in the tub. “You ok?”

“Y-yeah…” She reached up and pulled me in for a kiss that I held for a long time. It wasn’t deep or passionate but more so intimate and warm. I sighed and cupped her face.

“Go, ok? I’ll be right back.”

I pulled away from her which seemed to be getting harder and harder each time. Even if it was just back into the room it felt like a million miles away. I tore off the soaked sheets, glad that the comforter was still mostly dry, and tossed them in the corner of the room. I said a silent apology to housekeeping and hoped to all hell they wouldn’t look at it directly when they put it in the wash. I padded back to the bathroom and slipped in behind her.

“Turn around.” She said and I gave her a questioning look. She sucked her teeth. “I was just about to get the…stuff out.”

“Eri, i’ve literally seen you every which way. Do you really think I care how you look getting my cum out of you?”

“JUST DO IT.”

I sighed and turned around, picking up the little motel bar of soap and ripping off the plastic. I waited for her to finish, getting impatient about being in the cold spot. “Dude, hurry up.”

“THERE IS A LOT OK? You don’t cum like a normal human being!”

“Apparently neither do you, Splash Mountain.”

‘OH MY GOD. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.”

I snorted and looked back at her. “Can I please get under the water now? I’m freezing.”

She switched spots with me and I finally got under the hot stream, thankful to wash away a whole nights worth of sex. My time under the stream by myself didn’t last long as Eri snuggled up next to me, her hair a soaking mess of waves that framed her face and made her look like a painting of a goddess. “Too cold. I want to be next to you.”

“You big baby.” I joked and ruffled her hair. She pouted and poked at my stomach making me squirm away. Our antics made our shower way more fun than it should’ve been, mimicking the perfect time we had in the tub before I freaked out on her. It was almost like a do over and I was appreciative of that fact. Once we were done and dried we curled up, facing one another, under the comforter. And although we were both fatigued, we stood up for hours talking about shit I never even dreamed about knowing about her. By the time the sun rose I was able to realize that one thing was for sure. I was in love with her.

–

We thought everything would be fine after that, and it was between us, but on Eri’s side things seemed to hit the fan one after the other. Their grandpa, who was back on the island they were from, fell ill. Their mother didn’t let them have a say in anything and whisked them away, making them leave school and work behind. There was a looming threat that they could be fired or even lose their financial aid which worried them just as much as their grandpa’s health. Each night they were gone we would facetime just so I could see them. I missed having them beside me whenever I wanted and it wasn’t even about the sex anymore. I genuinely found that I liked talking to them. There was never any judgement and I started to understand why certain things were important to them. Now I had to be there for them and help them stay strong even though I knew they were crumbling.

I was laying on my side, my phone propped against the wall, as I watched them cry. There wasn’t much I could do, or even say, at this point but i remained on the video. They apologized over and over for crying so much but i reassured them that I didn’t care. They let me know that it was okay when I cried and I wanted them to know the same. “I miss you..” They hiccuped.

I sniffed and cleared my throat, swallowing my own emotions. “I miss you too…you know you have to be there. It’s going to be okay.”

“He’s gonna die Johnny. I know it. I visited him today at the hospital and my mom and my aunts just keep putting this weird bandaid on it. They keep thinking he’s going to bounce back and be able to take care of the house and my grandma and he wont. He literally wont. I don’t know why they won’t just fuckin’ say it.”

“They’re scared, Eri. They’re losing one of their parents. It’s always going to be scary.”

“I know that but I hate being the only fucking rational one here. It’s driving me insane. Just look at him and say he’s going to die! He’s just going to die, Johnny. He’s going to…” They burst into another round of tears and buried their face into a pillow, muffling the heart wrenching sobs. I wish I could be there. I wish I could hold them so fucking tight and never let them go. It hurt me to see them like this.

“Baby, look at me, ok?” They moved their head up and wiped at their eyes. “When you come back here, i’ll be here for you ok? It’s going to be hard but I’ll help you get through this. And so will Quinn and stupid ass Lucas and all your other friends.”

I finally saw them crack a small smile which made me feel a little better. “I know…I-” Suddenly, someone burst into their room. I couldn’t make out who it was exactly as the video started to pixelate. They had a conversation that I couldn’t understand but seemed stressed. They grabbed their phone and finally the video came back into view. “I have to go. I-I’ll talk to you later, ok?!” Before I could even respond the video was cut off and I had my own disturbance burst into my room. I shot up in bed, looking at Jae who seemed to be distressed. Great, was everyone around me having issues at once?

“Dude, what the-” He held his cell phone out in his shaking hand and I could see a call from an unknown number going on. “What?” I asked, still confused.

“Talk. Talk now.”  was all he said.

I took the phone tentatively and held it to my ear. My body went into shock as soon as I heard the voice that had haunted me for weeks on end. The voice that made my skin crawl and make me want to vomit. What she said next drenched my blood run cold.

“Johnny, I’m pregnant.”

[breakbreadwithme]

A day late, but the sad boi hours are here kiddos, so be warned this is going to be a triggering text block of brain garbage.

I been home for around 31 hours and I’ve spent 14 of them just cleaning my room, nevermind all of the other stuff I've wanted to get done and have accomplished. I know that i’m just working constantly because the second i stop i’m going to probably fall apart because, well, it’s me and transition ie  possibly the worst combination to ever exist in history. I spent all day on my feet doing work around the house today and i’m not even slightly tired. Tbh i haven't been feeling much the last couple of days which is really weird cause usually when im cleaning its more of an anxious/manic kind of energy going on but this time, it was just... robotic? Like it didn't do much for me mentally which is not what i was expecting. I think it might be because i thought I was doing so good at getting rid of stuff but somehow i still have so so so much stuff and barely enough room to fit it all even though I got rid of a gigantic garbage bag worth of useless stuff, a couple buckets worth of recyclables and a bunch of bags of stuff to donate, and yet there is still so much stuff everywhere, so the the usual “i feel accomplished” thing is crushed under the feeling of having failed anyways.

I also painted over my mural today, which was...an experience. I thought i would feel a lot more emotional than i do, but then again i can repress just about anything for just about forever, so i give it a couple weeks and it might hit me then. It was just one of the last big things of my dad’s that i had. Obviously he’s everywhere in the house, but this was different, this was us (jk about the “give it a few weeks,” I just started crying) and the whole story behind it was so dumb and it was something he did for me, it was so special and i just fucking painted over it like it was nothing...wow i need to move on to something else before this gets dark

I’m pretty sure the depressor is starting up because im getting v impulsive and have v little regard for myself as a human being considering i ended up scratching through my hand again which hasn't happened in a very long time. So far the only emotion that has managed to surface is the anxiety that shows up every time i think about the mess I've gotten myself into that i guess im gunna try to get myself out of, gods help me. Somehow everything feels like it’s all moving too fast and i can’t fucking stop it. I wish it was possible for me to stop getting headaches from thinking because this is honestly getting so ridiculous.

I really wish i was back at school, but everyone else isn't there so that really neutralizes that now doesn’t it? living is just so much easier there. Its so easy for me to fall back into the role of domestic servant here, i spend so much time organizing and rearranging and cooking and cleaning and running errands that i never get to do anything, not that there is much to do anyways, or anyone close by to do anything with, which really is the key to that predicament. I keep thinking i hear the sound of the locks on the doors at school which tbh is pitiful. Goodbyes are the worst and i hate them with a passion. 

There was a great big thunderstorm last night once i got home and i think all of my emotions got sapped our with each crack of lightning and now im just cloudy skies, not much to see but not the worst i could

[tyrannoslex]

tbh i don't know how to handle emotions. Neither my own nor those of other people. It makes me anxious just thinking about having to comfort someone, i never know what to say and i'm aware that for some ppl it must look like i don't care about their struggles and feelings. Thankfully my best (and only) friend gets it and doesn't judge me for it.

I seem to always disappoint ppl. Like my mum or my grandparents. I'm pretty sure i made my mum cry today. It wasn't my intention, still i hurt her and i feel horrible. But idk what to say to make her feel better, a simple 'i' m sorry' feels so wrong and i always have the feeling that it comes across as not genuine.

I can't read ppls emotions. When u talk to someone, even my own family members, i automatically assume that they don't like me. It's basically ingrained in my brain that i can't get ppl to like me. For most of the 8 years that I have known my best friend i couldn't believe that she actually wants to be near me.

I also don't know how to express my feeling well. I don't talk about them at all, at least not to other ppl. Guess that kind of runs in the family but still.

Speaking of family: everyone always says that i'm the favorite child/grandchild. I have an sister. She's five years older than me (22 now) and has her life sorted out. I'm often very jealous of how well she handles life. Funny, because she used to be jealous of me for being the family favorite, as i am the youngest. But the truth is: i don't know my family well and they don't know me either. I hate talking about myself, always feel selfish when i'm doing so, and i bottle my feelings up like a genie in a magic lamp. My mum and my sister talk everyday. They tell each other everything so everytime my sister says that i'm our mums favorite i nearly laugh out loud bc, really, it's her who has a better relationship with her.

My parents got divorced when I was ten. It took me quite long to get over it tbh and sometimes i'm still resentful that i have to spent special holidays in two different household's with the weird tension caused by the hatred between my mum and my grandparents from my father's side. (Also the fact that my mum cheated on my dad with her ex-boyfriend from when she was a teenager, but that's an entirely different story)

Another thing is that i am completely lost in my head. I read a lot... like all the time. If i'm not binge watching shows i read whether it is real books or fanfics. I like escaping reality. It's the only thing that gets me through the day, especially when it's getting stressful in school. I daydream all the time, write my own stories in my head and live lives completely different from my own. Everyone always tells me to get out more. That i shouldn't be suprised that i barely have friends and never were in a romantic relationship with anyone, when the only thing i'm doing is sitting in my room.

I kind of get where they are coming from and i know that they are concerned about me (i was and still am struggling with bad mental health) but they also don't understand that what i am doing is literally the only thing that gets me to smile.

I feel alone, like really alone in the world, as if i'm in a bubble that makes me invisible to the rest of the population. Most of the time i'm glad, I'm always anxious when i go outside. Talking to strangers is a no-go for me and nearly sent me into an anxiety attack once (at least i think it was one who knows) so my best friend has to take one for the team most of the time and seriously without her i would prob rot in my room like the pathetic shitty little human i am.

And isn't it pathetic that the only way to get anything off my chest is by ranting on tumblr and hoping no one I know is finding this.

All of this only scratches the surface of all the things that I want to say but just can't spell out loud.

God, i can't even cry. I feel the pressure behind my eyes, the way my heart squeezes so tightly it hurt and the breath getting knocked out of my lungs. I want to scream and cry, to sob pathetically and destroy my whole room, but i can't because doing that would mean i would have to clean this shit up and that would make me feel even worse afterwards. Also i don't want my mum asking questions.

(Am i faking my bad mental health? It does feel like it. Sometimes i think to myself that i'm only doing this for attention. But i also don't really tell anyone i know about this or get help... so i'm not? I feel like all if this is not right... that i don't have the validation to feel like this. I didn't experience a major trauma, why does it feel like i did? Why can't i carelessly love without worrying that i do everything wrong? Why can't someone like me? Or love me? Why do i hate myself so much?)

Anyway, sorry to anyone who had to read this and listen to my rant!

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

Part of Your World

Chapter 4: poor unfortunate simon

Rating: T

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Word count: 2432

Chapter 4/11 (All chapters)

Summary: Simon makes a life changing decision.

Read on AO3

AN: Well I finished my last exam yesterday, so in celebration, here's the next chapter early! Yay! Tbh I also felt the last chapter was too short/not enough happened so and I wanted to give y'all something new sooner. And from now on I'll be posting every Monday and Thursday! Double yay! Hope you like this :) PS: Creds to @carryonmylovelies for the incredible chapter title. She's a lot smarter than me, obviously.

———————————————-

“Simon? You in here?”

Penny stuck her head through the door, and her heart sank. It was worse than she thought. When she saw David come home alone fuming, she expected something bad. But this was just beyond terrible. Everything Simon had collected over the years, all the things he loved, were destroyed. The merman himself lay at the centre of the wreckage like the eye of the hurricane, face in his arms. Simon’s soft crying was the only sound in the room.

“Oh, Simon,” she sighed as she sat next to him. “I’m so sorry.”

He whimpered, burying his face further into the ground. Penny placed a hand on his upper back and rubbed soothing circles

“Why would he do this?” Simon whispered. “ I-I wasn’t hurting anyone. It was just stuff. Does he really hate humans that much?”

“I guess so.” She picked up a piece of debris next to her, half the prince statue’s face. She traced a finger over the sharp cheekbones, thin lips, and piercing eyes. “Destroyed your new one too, huh?”

His head snapped up and he snatched it from her. Penny backed away defensively. Simon looked at it mournfully, tracing a finger over the features. It was the last reminder he had of Baz. And his father had destroyed it. Out of spite.

“I hate him, Pen,” he muttered. “I really hate him.”

The ground shook slightly under Simon, his magic responding to his anger like usual. Penny was startled. This was the first time Simon had actually said he disliked David. Not an indistinct grunt or groan, but an actual statement against him.

“Yeah, I get it, Si. He did a really horrible thing. You can stay at my place for time being.”

Simon didn’t respond. He looked at the bedrock intensely. The thoughts were tumbling around his head like a hurricane. Sorting and choosing and rationalizing, all in what really was a few seconds. They filtered down to one conclusion. One stupid, reckless, amazing conclusion.

“I want to go to the surface.”

Penelope sighed. “Simon, that’s very risky. I know you want to replace this stuff, but what if a human spots us or-”

“No no no.” He shook his head rapidly. “I want to go there...to stay...”

She kept staring at him confused. He saw the revelation slowly hit her, eyes widening and mouth falling open.

“Oh my stars!” she yelled, jolting up off the rock and floating over Simon. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?!”

“Yes. Transformation spells are a thing, it’s possible”

Penelope rubbed her forehead, trying to smooth out her increasing number of worry lines. “You cannot be serious.”

“I am! Penny, I want to leave, so badly. And I...I want to see, him again.”

“Really, Si?!” She put her hands on her hips. “You want to become human and possibly leave your home forever for some pretty boy prince?!

Simon swam up to her level, throwing his arms skywards. “It’s not just that! I’ve never liked it down here, you know that. I’m a useless merman who can barely throw a spell. A-And Father is the worst. I can’t bear living for his stupid imaginary war anymore! I just-I just need to go there, to get away, and...to get to know Baz better.” His head and arms fell down. “I can’t get him out of my head, Pen. I want- I need to know if there’s a chance.”

Penny swam back and forth, running hands through her hair. “Simon this is totally insane! You’ll be giving up your tail, your magic, your life, just to go be with some human prince you’ve seen once. I mean, how can you not see the problems here?! I know your father’s an arse but that doesn’t mean running away forever! Why can’t you just stay here? Where you’ll be safe and...” Penny finally turned to look at Simon. Her heart sank at his wide eyes, at the way his slightly open mouth was curved in a desperate frown. “And...totally miserable.” She hung her head and groaned. “Fine. I’ll help you.”

Simon gasped, then promptly tackle hugged her, hurling them through the water. “Thank you Penny! Thank you thank you!”

“Don’t thank me yet, Si. I need to find and do a spell first.”

“You will, I know it. You’re the bestest spell caster ever!”

Penelope rolled her eyes with a smile, shoving him her. “Yeah yeah, no need to butter me up, I’m already helping you.”

Simon tugged her hand. “C’mon c’mon let’s go!”

Penny sighed. She always ended up doing the craziest things with Simon. But this would definitely top the list.

———————————————-

Penelope’s family spell collection was insane. There were hundreds of tablets with hundreds of different spells. That’s where all her family members were now, wandering around the ocean, finding and creating new incantations like the majority of merfolk so. Which gave the younger merfolk free reign of the spell room.

Simon and Penny sat with many pieces of stones surrounding them. Simon tried not to let his eyes glaze over but it was getting very difficult. He scanned over the words looking for a clue, any clue. But soon, his prayers were answered. He stopped at one spell. It was just what he wanted, created for a lovestruck mermaid to be with a human. Perfect.

“Pen! I found it!”

He raced over to her, shoving the tablet in her face. “Jeez Simon, let me actually read it.”

She looked the writing over, chewing on her lip nervously. Simon watched her intently as his heart beat so fast he feared it would burst. “So? Will it work?”

Penelope sighed and nodded slowly. “Yes. But...”

Simon’s face fell. “But what?”

“But it only lasts three days. For it to become permanent, he has to fall in love with you and prove it by kissing you before sunset on the third day. That’s a lot to do in so little time. I’d be surprised if this spell ever worked.” Simon made a sound far too close to a whine. She sighed. Why must he be so pathetic and adorable at the same time?

“I mean,” she said, scratching her chin. “I could push it to five days with some work. Give you more time. But you’d still need to get him to fall for you, and kiss you. That I can’t change. And...extending the days means you’ll have to give a sacrifice.”

“What, like for a power source?”

“Yes. It’s the only way to make it last longer. It needs to be an offering or show of faith. To do something this big you need to be willing to give up something big of your own.”

Simon had vague memories of his Father’s lessons. (He only ever half paid attention). Yeah, that seemed right. Spells that were strong, reality altering magic sometimes needed an extra push. And without aid from an outside power source, like David’s trident, you would have to relinquish a part of yourself. It was a quid pro quo.

“So what do I need to do?” Simon asked, determination in his blue eyes. “Cut off some hair? A finger? Let some blood? Give my soul? I hope it’s not that. I like my soul.”

Penelope rolled her eyes and shook her head, swishing her purple curls. “No, it’s not ever something so physical, Simon. Did you actually listen during your lessons?” Simon frowned, and Penny immediately felt terrible. He didn’t need to be put down any more today, or any more period. Which only reinforced why she had to do this. So she petted his hair, and felt relieved when she saw him smile.

“Well,” she said, “my Mum said a good sacrifice is usually a sense or ability. Like sight or hearing, or a skill you’re proficient at, like spellwork. The willingness to give up stuff that big is strong enough to enhance a spell. I’m not sure what you could do. I think-”

“What about my voice?”

Penny’s eyes went wide. She stared at Simon, looking at him blankly for a long time, before realising he wasn’t kidding. “What?!”

“What if I give up my voice? As the sacrifice?”

“Simon, that’s- I don’t know...”

He shrugged and looked down sheepishly. “I mean, I’m not good with words anyway. And of course I want to see and hear him. But he doesn’t need to hear me speak. I can use my other ways to talk, I guess. And-And it’s not like I’m good enough at spellwork for the sacrifice of it to be enough.”

“Si-”

“C’mon Pen, nothing else will work. We both know that.”

She rubbed her lips together, racking her brain for an alternative. But he was right. Taking anything else would be too much of a hindrance or not powerful enough. Penny sighed, then nodded. “Alright. Help me set up the ingredients.”

———————————————-

Penny tossed the entire glass bottle into David’s cauldron. The smoke within brewed and churned. Another beaker added and it turned green. Simon watched with absolute fascination. Only his father had ever done something like this and it was only once.

Penny held the sea cow tongue, the final ingredient, in her hand, just over the pot. But she was unmoving. Simon furrowed his brow.

“What’re you waiting for? Throw it in!”

“Simon,” Penny said. Her tone was sympathetic, that of a worried true friend. “Before I finish this, are you really sure? Do you remember how transformation spells work? Once it’s cast, I can’t turn you back, nothing can. You’ll be stuck unless the time runs out. You’ll...” She closed her eyes, biting back her more morose emotions. “You’ll lose everything you know, Si, possibly forever. So, are you are really, really sure?”

He took a minute, truly letting Penny’s question roll around in his head. Yes, he did know how transformation spells worked. He knew he’d be stuck as a human for at least five days, and yes, possibly forever if the spell was completed. He could permanently lose his magic and his tail. All for the world he’s wanted to learn more about since he was 11. As well as for a new person he couldn’t get out of his head.

There was only one answer.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

Penny tightened her mouth, nodded, and finally, she tossed the last ingredient into the stone pot. It exploded in a mushroom cloud of bright greens and blues and purples. It roared like thunder, swirling like a storm. Simon backed up. He couldn’t help but be frightened.

“You gotta say something, Simon,” Penny yelled over the noise.

“Like what?”

“Anything! Just needs to be continuous.”

One thing popped into Simon’s brain. It was a simple vocalisation constantly stuck in his subconscious. It always sounded like it was sung by a woman. Simon sometimes wondered if it was his mother. And even Simon, with his harpy screech of a voice, could copy it.

He sang.

A smoking green hand reached out from the pot. It was bony looking with long claws, twisting towards him. Simon had to stop himself from running, remembering he wanted this. Getting away from David, going to land, meeting Baz, it was all worth the fear. It had to be.

The hand reached down his throat. It was like he’d inhaled a whirlpool, pulling and sucking within his windpipe. He couldn’t think or breathe or do anything but wait. And then he felt it, when the magic took hold. In one second he was singing the remembered song, and in the next he simply no longer could. His own voice was yanked from him, a piece of himself literally ripped away like it was nothing. As if it was plucking a mere hair from his head. The hand left his throat and held his voice out front of him. It was now a tiny golden ball of light, held between two smokey green fingers. He meant to say “Neptune’s beard”.

But no words came out.

The hand turned fiery orange, charged with the power of Simon’s sacrifice. It pulled back into the smoke soup, leaving the tiny sun floating aimlessly. Penny gently took the the orb and shoved it into her shell necklace. A spell only needed an act of sacrifice. So she could save the voice itself. What could she do with it? Who knew. As far as she knew, no one had ever gotten a sacrificed returned to them. Maybe it couldn’t ever be given back, even if the spell timed out. Simon could be voiceless forever no matter what. But she’d save it, just in case, for her best friend.

The smoke roared louder, becoming nearly deafening. Bright light washed out everything else in the room. The room vanished around Simon. Everything happened too fast. An orange bubble snapped around his whole body. The sensation and texture of it reminded him a jellyfish. The pain came next. It felt like a something sharp slicing right through the middle of his tail, splitting the limb in two. It was beyond agonizing. Simon screamed and screamed, but only released more silence.

And just like that, it was all gone. The room was back to normal, with no zero multi-coloured light or thunder. Simon flapped his arms and kicked his feet. His feet, attached to his long human legs. He kicked them frantically, trying to keep himself afloat with their relatively weak power. And...

He couldn’t breathe.

Water filled his lungs instead of passing through them like usual. He clawed at his throat, his eyes bugging out at his friend. He tried to speak with only a look. “Penny I can’t breathe, I can’t fucking breathe!” Penelope gasped and rushed towards him.

Simon's vision started to fill with black spots, his limbs familiar and new becoming heavy. He could barely feel Penny grab him and swim them up out of a hole at the top of her coral house. She swam faster than she ever had before. The water rushed around them as they rocketed towards the light of land above. And soon they burst through the ocean surface.

Simon took a deep gasping breath and came back to life. He floated in the water, new legs treading weakly, still panting heavily. His head slumped onto Penny. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gave it a squeeze, saying “thank you” with the simple gesture.

Penny patted his hand. “You’re welcome, Simon,” she said, her own breathing laboured. “Let’s get you to your prince.”

Simon nodded. Then he promptly passed out.

———————————————-

AN: Simon is human and voiceless! What will happen next? Well, I know what will happen, I wrote it. But all of you will find out next Monday :D

[elizabethrobertajones]

Hey so, you've probably been asked this before and if so you can just completely ignore this. But. I know there's been plenty of talk about the differences of Dean and Sam's personalities and families in It's a Terrible Life, but I've yet to seen anyone (as far as I remember anyway) talk about theories of why Sam's fiancé is Madison, and not Jess? Or Sarah? Far as I've come on that theory is, maybe because of the Werewolf thing? And how it relates to Sam's own "demons"? Thoughts?

I like your optimism that I have already been asked all of *the* most obscure questions :D Hehe

The fact Sera wrote both episodes is my first port of call, and Madison would be her own character so faster to mind. I think Heart is also one of her pet favourite episodes although do not ask me how I know that because It’s almost certainly something I read 7 years ago :P 

I would also have to assume on a boring technical level that they were trying to come up with uncanny valley lives, and Dean’s fake life already collected up Bobby and Ellen and Jo, while Sam’s life was deliberately meant to be the less well-developed one because Zach had just thrown together enough to stop him realising the game was up *immediately*, while not bothering to make a complete enough backstory that Sam wouldn’t help motivate Dean because without the much bigger cracks through which their old life came, Sam wouldn’t be able to motivate him in the same way. I don’t think he made many mistakes in the set up except mildly underestimating Dean (while still getting exactly what he wanted out of him by the end of the episode - in the short term, in the long term that’s when Dean gives him the “stab you in the face” warning :P), since he would have been constantly watching them, like an ant farm, and could have fixed Sam if he WASN’T meant to poke at his own backstory. Sam was never really their focus since Ruby had him under lock down doing her side of things and the angels by that point were all aboard on starting the apocalypse.

So I think the last most obvious reason it’s Madison is because Sam was just being mocked as a disposable character, and it really comes across that way when you know the whole story and who set it up:

SAMYeah, ‘cause I only moved here 'cause I just broke up with my fiancée, Madison. But I called her number and I got a damn animal hospital.

And in that sense, Madison is really tragic for us to know was a really awful thing that happened to Sam romantically since Jess, but also has this set up to be mocked and a too-easy joke for Zach. I think if it had been Jess there would have been the danger of him remembering too much, in character, and out of character if the writing process was casting around for a love interest to have a “hilarious” joke from Zach about them, Sam’s girl of the week options are limited and Sarah and Lori from hookman in the first season were both fairly sweet and survived the episode without much interpersonal drama for Sam, while Madison was also very tragic so mocking her and what Sam went through with her, is a very blatant example from the first couple of seasons of Sam being put through the wringer - I think he cried more in that episode than he’s done for the rest of the show since :P There’s much more obvious material to make a joke from than most of his other romantic connections and the only one who he actually cared about (since season 3 had him mostly just being set up for Ruby, while lusting after Bela a little… and honestly at this point trying to think who else Sam has been linked to, the Bad Writer Voice in my brain that comes up with all the junk pile snark suggested that old woman from 3x06 who pawed all over Sam - “But I called her number and I got a damn retirement home.” … So let’s be glad it was Madison :P)

Anyways, if there’s a wider meta purpose you probably got it… Madison is one of the monsters that Sam’s been connected to romantically, and actually Dean seems to think Sam’s got together with a lot more monsters than he actually has because in 4x14 he has some line about what is it with Sam and monster chicks or something, thinking he’s sleeping with the siren (whoops) and he’s reacting to Sam saying he and Ruby are together. Madison is really the only other major example, although Dean also thought Sam had a thing for Ava who he might not have qualified as a monster at the time, but *would* have classified as like finding like if he thought Sam had a crush, since they both had psychic powers and by season 4 that’s all the backstory to Sam’s struggle with humanity. (I mean honestly, Madison seemed to traumatise them both for different reasons so I could get if she stuck out in Dean’s memory even if he seems to tease Sam for it, it would be making light of it as a coping mechanism to the awful stuff they’ve done on the job.)

I’d also get if the show wanted us to think Sam had a bigger history with this than he does - hence the line in 4x14 AND this reminder about Madison - because they like making generalisations of their history to tell the story, focusing on one or two incidents and making it sound like a life-long pattern (despite Jess being Sam’s defining romance and characterised by the normality and that he lied to her about monsters to protect a bubble of normality). We won’t find out about Amy Pond until season 7 aka they don’t write it until then, so it’s retroactively adding to the pattern that was barely a pattern in season 4, but if they want to build up the image of Sam being attracted to monsters as part of the question about his own nature, trying to remind us that Ruby isn’t his first is a good way to go about that. 

Then they end the season with Dean or false representations of him repeatedly telling Sam that he’s a monster or he isn’t human any more and Sam picks Ruby over Dean, and throws his own humanity away blah blah blah we all know the story :P (I say, blah-ing away one of the best season finales on the show.)

… TBH the show trying to set up this narrative that you are what you sleep with just reminds me that in the version of the Winchester Gospels where Sam doesn’t drink demon blood, this is all excellent supporting narrative/examples to build up the ridiculous counterpoint Destiel subtext going on on the other side :P Which is kind of a joke I make but season 4 is told a LOT through their sexual preferences and encounters. If I was going to write a serious academic paper about the show where you don’t need to make the same disclaimers about intent and interpretation as you do on Tumblr it would be excellent to examine season 4′s main arc and plot points as told through the representations of their sexuality, because the Sam/Ruby, and Dean/Cas/Anna major narrative parallel of you are what you sleep with is barely scratching the surface… It’s a huge thing. The siren episode doesn’t just *happen* to be in this season and it’s not a random isolated incident, it’s one of the many ways this undercurrent of the season shows up. And that puts the Sam and monsters subtext directly next to Dean and dudes, which lines up perfectly with playing Sam/Ruby off Dean/Cas for the length of the season. Hey and lo and behold in 4x17 Sam has a history with Madison, and Dean has a hot co-worker he hangs out with, and a deep insecurity about the idea of Sam hitting on him in the elevator (… at work), and some queercoded behaviours, and a complete lack of love life mentioned in the main text, including shoving Jo hard into the sister box in the same exchange we find out about Sam and Madison…

[sin-binboi]

Mikey Was Walking to the Kitchen To Make himself Some Delicious Coffee, Fresh And Milky! He was Chatting with Ice Cream Kitty, Smiling proudly at His Proud Assistant and Pet. "you Should've SEEN How Ugly She Looked form Behind Kitty!" Mikey was Laughing "She Literally Had a Sack of Potatoes in a fucking Dress! It was HILARIOUS!" Mikey Laughed as Ice cream Kitty was Smiling. Stuff's Been Rough for him. First his father leaving Him With PTSD, then His Brothers, it was Pleasant to see him Smiling. It was Going Just  Fi- "Watch your Mouth Next time Wil Ya?" That Voice, Made Mikey's Whole Day Change. He Growled Low, Almost broke the cup he was holding, His Eyes Grew Cold, And He felt Anger boiled."Raph...." Mikey said, Low and Cold Not looking at him Raph walked up to Mikey and Nudged Him "So Mikey-Wikey How's it feels getting your Baby Bottle, eh?" he Shoved Mikey a tiny bit, Being Playful in the push. "Fuck. Off." Mikey said Stern. trying His best Not to take the Nun-chuck's Blade and Slice this Dude's throat Raph Looked at him, Snickering. "Mikey Please.-" "Mikey Please My Ass." He said, Getting More Angry "Not Get your No-good-out-of-shape-ass Out of Here." He said, As Ice cream Kitty tried to calm Mikey down. Raph Kept going "What if I don't Want to???" That took it. Mikey Grabbed The Boiling Hot coffee Pot And Smashed It Into Raph's Face, Causing Raph to Scream, Mikey's Coffee to Drop and the glass Shatter, And Ice Cream Kitty jumping near the Coffee Maker, Watching the Two Brothers Fight and throw Words. Mikey was Ontop of raph Chocking him "YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Mikey Only saw Red, Everything Boiled......Everything If Leo, Donnie, and Casey and April didn't break the two up, Mikey would've Killed him. Raph Tried to hit Mikey, but Had His Arms Gripped on "THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!?!" He Yelled Mikey Spitted Out "YOU! FUCKING BITCH!" Mikey Almost broke free and Nearly tripped Donnie, but thankfully donnie stood. The Two were Separated, Leaving Ice cream Kitty, growing Worried about Mikey "Mikey? can we talk" Leo Said Looking at him worried Mikey Closed His book he was reading, Looking up Annoyed "Yes." He said, Super Cold, That It Made Leo Jumped. Leo cleared his throat "Um..So. Mikey." He said Not to be awkward, But Mikey's cold glare Shook him "How's Everythi-" "Pretty Good. I am reading a Book on Electronics" He said, Looking at his book and Not at his brother. Leo Looked at it "Oh.....kay...." He said Scratching his head Leo continued "So Mikey How Have you Been?" Mikey was reading at this Point "I Have Been Good. I talked to April 20 minutes ago, Fed Ice Cream Kitty Her treat, And Currently Reading My Book. Now if that's All you're asking to Distract  me Than Please" He said reading Leo was offended "What? Mikey No-" Mikey Jolted up "you think I don't know what the fuck you're doing Leo?" he said Loud and Bitter "Why the fuck do you Even FUCKING TRY??? " Mikey Slammed His Book on the Ground " I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU GUYS! I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE! " Leo Yelled Back "We Barely Even SEE you! You Legit Left Us Yesterday Without Even Telling us! And As your Brother and Leader-" " BROTHER AND LEADER MY ASS! " Mikey Yelled " GOD YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING SUFFERING! " Mikey and Leo didn't Notice, but The group Piled around the door leo Yelled back "Mikey! Please! Calm Down!" Mikey Yelled Almost getting closer to Leo "CALM DOWN MY ASS! YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! SO HOW ABOUT SHOVE YOUR SWORD UP YOUR BLUE ASS!" Leo Sighed And Looked at mikey. He noticed the group, but didn't look at them "Mikey Please Calm Down.. Can't we talk Like Normal Brothers?" Mikey, On the Bright Side, Only calmed a Little, but Still had the Loud Cold Voice "Well Leonardo, Firstly, We Aren't Brothers, We're Not Even Blood related. And Don't Tell Me to Calm down, I'm not your Slut." Leo Jolted "I didn't say that Mikey!" Mikey Looked right through him "Sure does Sound Like it" 1-2: More Headsets ~~My Favorite Is Spike~~ I’m Hella Redesigning The Cheese Sandwich One, Very Off IMO And Not my Taste :/

3: This Picture was for My 3rd Class! And since I Love luna and Not celestia I decided to draw Luna cause I’m a proud Luna Fan <3 (Sorry celestia fans; She just sucks IMO)

4: My Baby, His Name is Michael (Michael Bryant Jr.III Full Name) He Might be Old, But He’s Still Going Strong! (He had him for around 5 years and He’s a Proud little member of our Family) He’s been getting out of his shell A Lot Lately. He’s Been to the Vet thankfully, And That vet trip Gave him wonders. Which Makes me very happy. He’s Now Squeaking, He’s Always going towards Us (Always Kissing someone. Cute fucker.) And He’s Just Like a human family member XD

5. Art-that-was-never-colored-so-call-it-Lineart-Art Picture Of Mikey. tbh He’s My Favorite Ninja Turtle and I Love him <3 

6. TMNT Cracked!Verse! Mikey Has a LOT going on! I’ll Copy and Paste some Backstory, And Dialogue that I typed on discord to my bestie <3

Name: Michelangelo Hamato -Mikey- Nickname: Shell-fur-Brains (Brothers) Mike (April ONLY) Mikester (Casey) Build: His Average Height Parents: ????? (Biological) Master Splinter (Adopted) Bio: (Might Be Long XD) Michelangelo Hamato, or for short, Mikey. Is the Youngest of the Crew. The Holder Of Nun-chucks, The Heart of the Family, And Mostly, The Fun in the Family. Mikey Was always Pranking, Being Silly on Missions (All Missions Need fun!), Doesn't really Listen to his Brothers, And Mostly, Be Himself. He Had a Loving family, April and Casey, things Were going Well. Until that One fateful Night, The Death of His father and Master, Splinter. It Might've Not looked like it, But He was a Changed Turtle. He Stopped his Pranking, Stop being funny, Being Silly. It Left him With a Strong Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder. Which Also Mixed in with His Brothers Words (All the words they call him tbh). After that, he did What they wanted him to do....."Grow up" And He did. Hell, He did QUICK! He turned Silent, Mute, Cold and Harsh If Angered, Left without Notice, And Even Changed the world Around him. It was Grey, reliving the death of His father, The times He Messed up pretty Badly, Everything Swarmed.The Only One He talks to, Is His Loyal Pet Ice Cream kitty. She's the Only One He'll vent to if His Brothers Piss him off. He Also Gotten a Very Very VERY Foul Mouth, And Does Not Hesitate to throw An Insult, threat, Heck! He'll Point Out One thing Wrong on you! This Leads to his Brother Being On His Shell 24/7, Him Leaving And Staying Gone for a Long time, And Even Locking himself in a room Just to not be Bothered. This Went on and on Until He Had Enough. He Packed his Belongings, Grabbed Ice Cream Kitty, And Left without a trace. The Family was In Look for him all around! The Sewers, Pizza Place, Everything! Even the Rooftops! First a Day, Then a Week, And Then A Month. No Contact. He didn't bring His T-Phone (Smart Bastard!) He Left it, which REALLY didn't Work. It was a Miracle When Mikey Came Back, but With Scars on his body. Turns out He was In a LOOOOOOT Of fights. This Lead to Arguing, Yelling, And It Ended Horribly. So finally. Mikey Used all his Smartness, All the Stuff he Knows, And Made a Small Creation. He called it "The Ranger". It Mostly Disguises himself into Anything He Pleases. And Even Collecting Spirits for his Own Use! The Only one He's not mad with are April and Casey. But Mostly April April Hung around him when she catches him leaving and come With. This Lead to April Crushing on him Super Hard. Mikey returns the feelings, And Shows by smiles, And Winks. Also Hugs! if Mikey is in the Mood! Donnie Also is a Salty Hoe for the crush. Raph And Mikey Fight a Lot to where Weapons are drawn Leo Being the Leader, Takes it calm, Which Pleases Mikey some, though he's still annoyed

"Mikey? can we talk" Leo Said Looking at him worried Mikey Closed His book he was reading, Looking up Annoyed "Yes." He said, Super Cold, That It Made Leo Jumped. Leo cleared his throat "Um..So. Mikey." He said Not to be awkward, But Mikey's cold glare Shook him "How's Everythi-" "Pretty Good. I am reading a Book on Electronics" He said, Looking at his book and Not at his brother. Leo Looked at it "Oh.....kay...." He said Scratching his head Leo continued "So Mikey How Have you Been?" Mikey was reading at this Point "I Have Been Good. I talked to April 20 minutes ago, Fed Ice Cream Kitty Her treat, And Currently Reading My Book. Now if that's All you're asking to Distract  me Than Please" He said reading Leo was offended "What? Mikey No-" Mikey Jolted up "you think I don't know what the fuck you're doing Leo?" he said Loud and Bitter "Why the fuck do you Even FUCKING TRY??? " Mikey Slammed His Book on the Ground " I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU GUYS! I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE! " Leo Yelled Back "We Barely Even SEE you! You Legit Left Us Yesterday Without Even Telling us! And As your Brother and Leader-" " BROTHER AND LEADER MY ASS! " Mikey Yelled " GOD YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING SUFFERING! " Mikey and Leo didn't Notice, but The group Piled around the door leo Yelled back "Mikey! Please! Calm Down!" Mikey Yelled Almost getting closer to Leo "CALM DOWN MY ASS! YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! SO HOW ABOUT SHOVE YOUR SWORD UP YOUR BLUE ASS!" Leo Sighed And Looked at mikey. He noticed the group, but didn't look at them "Mikey Please Calm Down.. Can't we talk Like Normal Brothers?" Mikey, On the Bright Side, Only calmed a Little, but Still had the Loud Cold Voice "Well Leonardo, Firstly, We Aren't Brothers, We're Not Even Blood related. And Don't Tell Me to Calm down, I'm not your Slut." Leo Jolted "I didn't say that Mikey!" Mikey Looked right through him "Sure does Sound Like it" Mikey Put on his Hoodie and Left the Shelter. Those Bastard Pissed him off enough, he need Fresh air. Finally He got to the Surface, And Sat on the Edge, Looking at People Passing by. He Grabbed a Ball On the roof and Threw It at a Moving Car. He didn't give two fucks. "Y'know, You Shouldn't do that Mikey" A Soft voice came from behind him Mikey felt a Small Smile on his face "Well? Not Like They Know it was me" He turned, Seeing April Looking down at him April sat Beside him "you really got into it with Raph today Mikey. you Legit Had him in a choke-hole." She said Mikey Shrugged "He'll walk it off." April sighed and shook her head "Mikeeeyyyyy-" Mikey rolled his Eyes "He made me mad, I Fought Him." April sighed "I know raph can be mean all the time. but Lord you Had him Blue and Purple By the face!" She Punched His Arm Mikey Smirked And Playfully said "Oops." April Rolled her eyes, Looking at mikey. His Eyes.........A Beautiful Blue-Grey.......So Hot- I Mean Cool! She felt her Face Heat up Mikey Looked at her "you Look Like If Raph Had a Period And Pissed on your Face" April Smacked his Cheek "Shut up!" She Said squeaking Mikey Laughed Shortly "Ow" He said Playfully.

Mikey Was Walking to the Kitchen To Make himself Some Delicious Coffee, Fresh And Milky! He was Chatting with Ice Cream Kitty, Smiling proudly at His Proud Assistant and Pet. "you Should've SEEN How Ugly She Looked form Behind Kitty!" Mikey was Laughing "She Literally Had a Sack of Potatoes in a fucking Dress! It was HILARIOUS!" Mikey Laughed as Ice cream Kitty was Smiling. Stuff's Been Rough for him. First his father leaving Him With PTSD, then His Brothers, it was Pleasant to see him Smiling. It was Going Just  Fi- "Watch your Mouth Next time Wil Ya?" That Voice, Made Mikey's Whole Day Change. He Growled Low, Almost broke the cup he was holding, His Eyes Grew Cold, And He felt Anger boiled."Raph...." Mikey said, Low and Cold Not looking at him Raph walked up to Mikey and Nudged Him "So Mikey-Wikey How's it feels getting your Baby Bottle, eh?" he Shoved Mikey a tiny bit, Being Playful in the push. "Fuck. Off." Mikey said Stern. trying His best Not to take the Nun-chuck's Blade and Slice this Dude's throat Raph Looked at him, Snickering. "Mikey Please.-" "Mikey Please My Ass." He said, Getting More Angry "Not Get your No-good-out-of-shape-ass Out of Here." He said, As Ice cream Kitty tried to calm Mikey down. Raph Kept going "What if I don't Want to???" That took it. Mikey Grabbed The Boiling Hot coffee Pot And Smashed It Into Raph's Face, Causing Raph to Scream, Mikey's Coffee to Drop and the glass Shatter, And Ice Cream Kitty jumping near the Coffee Maker, Watching the Two Brothers Fight and throw Words. Mikey was Ontop of raph Chocking him "YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Mikey Only saw Red, Everything Boiled......Everything If Leo, Donnie, and Casey and April didn't break the two up, Mikey would've Killed him. Raph Tried to hit Mikey, but Had His Arms Gripped on "THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!?!" He Yelled Mikey Spitted Out "YOU! FUCKING BITCH!" Mikey Almost broke free and Nearly tripped Donnie, but thankfully donnie stood. The Two were Separated, Leaving Ice cream Kitty, growing Worried about Mikey

Fixed Minor Mistakes in my Spelling (It’s not the best)    

Aaaand Have a Small thing

He's The King of his Own Kingdom Under the Sea and He Had Legit Everything and I mean EVERYTHING

6. Mikeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Cracked!verse Addition <3 aaa He was fun to sketch XD

[mermaidgains]

I’m happy I’m back on tumblr and you’re all gems but I’m having issues (and have had issues) trying to explain things properly. There are so many things going on in my brain that I cant project them and get relief from them. If my posts seem sporadic then try not to jump to any conclusions and take a minute to look at older posts.

I also have a question:

I have always found it difficult to talk, to friends, family and therapists. I didn’t talk to my first therapist and I don’t talk to my current, I talk about meaningless shit (well it’s not meaningless, but it’s not even scratching the surface) because that’s what I do with everyone else. 

I feel like I’m always complaining even though I’m really fucking not (tbh) because 90% of the time people don’t wanna listen to me, they tell me I’m just going to have to cope (physical illnesses) or the best best best is when people don’t even fucking ask when I’ve made them aware of certain situations (HAHA GR8)

SO - Whilst I document my health journey (tbh I don’t know why tf I’m asking this because mental health IS physical health). Do you guys also want me to explain my thoughts? As in I could potentially wirte a full blown essay at the end of a 0/10 day (same for a 10/10 day). Cause whilst I do actually write ‘today is wank’ or wevs, I don’t actually explain it.

Basically, would anyone feel comfort or feel somewhat interested (relateable) in me baring my mental incapacities on tumblr? Maybe I ask because previously everyone whined when I was negative. But I have slowly come to realise in this past week that everything negative is going to help me comeback stronger (lol, when will that happen). I hope I made some sense here? Like are you guys somewhat ‘interested’ in what I talk about in therapy (not fucking much, I just grin and talk about wanting to run a marathon) along with all the other shit (hospital appts) cuz it might help me also keep a diary (a proper diary) so I can throw it at a healthcare professional SO THEY BELIEVE ME.

I’m not exactly searching for permission cause it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want, I’m more asking if this might help/impact/support you if you are struggling with undiagnosed or diagnosed mental illness.

PS - I have been diagnosed with a panic disorder (SO FAR). It can take years to be properly diagnosed with a mental illness in the UK especially as though I was abandoned, thrown citalopram and not considered a threat even though I said I was suicidal on certain days (obviously not over 50% of days huh!!!)

So here is the question mark so you can answer/reply/contribute?