#technically writing this with my friend but i did write this part tee hee

[chilidivorcelawyer]

writing the rosakae fics i want to see in the world <3 

[Image ID: A screenshot of Google Docs. There are two paragraphs. The first one reads:  “He leans into her space a bit and says, "Then let's drink together and forget what needs to be forgotten! What do you say?" There's a genuine kindness to his words that Rosaria appreciates. The two may not know a lot about the other's past, keeping as much as they can buried deep inside themselves, they do know they both have things they'd rather not think about.” 

The second one reads: “She makes a show of pretending to think about his offer. There was a tension in her body she hadn't realized was there and finally let it go when she looked at his face again. Kaeya's face usually told others not to get close, to not think much of his words or actions. Tonight, though, he looked like a friend that wanted to help, and that was what she needed. "You know what, I think I'll take you up on that offer." There was a shimmer in his eye when she gave her answer.”]

[meetmeatthecoda]

Coda, how are you doing?

If you have time, can I ask about Director’s Cut on “Epsy”?

Hello, my dear friend!! 😄 I'm doing well, thank you so much for asking!! 😍 I hope you are doing fabulous!! 🥰 I certainly have time for this (at least now I do - I'm sorry for the delay on this 😂) & I am flattered you want to hear more about Espy - I had fun with it! - so I'll put my notes under a read more for convenience!! ❤️

So, I basically wrote this fic around the idea of Liz having second thoughts about her revenge mission on Red, him getting hurt in the crossfire, Liz panicking about it & rethinking things, & - ultimately - Liz observing Red when he can't see her, like in the end of the Borne Supremacy where Jason Borne is looking at Pam Lundy (unbeknownst to her) & tells her to "get some rest, you look tired". Weird inspiration, I know, but I just loved that twist at this point in season 8 for Red & Liz. (That's also why I chose the title "espy" 😁)

I had specific settings in mind for both scenes in this fic & I loved the idea of Liz, Skip, & Agnes at a fountain for the first scene with Agnes having fun looking at the ducks 😊🦆

I remember having a hard time writing Liz's mental state in the beginning of this but, at this point, I find it kind of necessary to always define the current mentality of either Red or Liz, given that writing Lizzington always comes with a certain amount of mental gymnastics & AU 😒😒😒 But I think I established what I wanted to, which was Liz feeling confident but - overall - that the physical distance is giving her some mental clarity & making her question her motivations which imo it definitely should have.

I also really enjoyed putting Skip firmly in the role of bad guy/T*m replacement in terms of sliminess. He rubbed me the wrong way from the start, so it was super satisfying to draw parallels from him to T*m & establish Liz's mistrust of him which imo she should have had.

I also got tons of petty satisfaction from writing him completely horrible with Agnes & having Liz make the parenthetical observation that Red would never treat Agnes that way, tee hee.

I wrote Liz's scheme falling through mostly bc this was on the heels of the ep where she endangered a whole plane full of innocent passengers for her own stupid goals, while the only chance of saving them rested in the completely uninformed Task Force's hands, so it could have easily been a disaster. That was appalling to me at the time (way to go TPTB) so this scenario was meant to be a bit of a reality check for Liz while keeping innocent people out of the way & only banging up Red a bit, something which would serve as a wake-up call for her in more ways than one.

I loved writing the ultimate confrontation between Liz & Skip, occurring over her feelings about Red, & for some reason I adored the line about Liz feeling a bland satisfaction at being able to push around Skip & parenthetically wishing that "Tom and all the damage he did would stay dead where they belong." I thought that line hit different & I liked it.

(I had fun making Agnes understanding & agreeable & excited about playing princesses on the plane, cause we barely got any decent mommy!Liz moments in canon & it's really sad 🥲)

And the "she has someone she needs to see." line before the break was meant to be a nod to the title, as well as foreshadowing.

I remember having a little trouble writing Red's opening paragraphs, establishing his perspective on what happened & more so on his injuries, which is something - along with action - I'm not very good at writing LOL

But I liked the mental image of Red booking it out of an empty building while Aram is counting down on the phone stuck in his pocket. Poor thing.

(I also needed Dembe strictly in the role of caretaker while not being technically in the fic & I got a chuckle out of writing that he dropped Red off to investigate the empty building & peace-d out to go get a cheeseburger, cause he has such a canon love for food 😂)

I also liked the idea of Liz's apparent betrayal hurting Red more than any injury he sustained cause I love angstttttt 🥲

I loved the idea of Red being too tired & sore to even get a drink when alcohol was surely something he relied on in that time when Liz was out to get him, meanwhile him collapsing in the chair instead of a bed was more of a necessity plot-wise so Liz could see him through the window wall - which I also remember was hard to describe. I kept fiddling with the description.

The attempted verbal sparring & Red's befuddlement over Liz's unexpected concern was very fun to write.

I couldn't help but include that whiplash line, it made me snort 😏

I liked the lighter, softer conversation of Red asking where Liz is, Liz calmly declining to answer but bringing up Agnes, & Red asking how she is.

I almost didn't include Liz saying that Agnes asks about Red, that was a last minute addition, but I once I thought of it & realized it fit in pretty well, I liked the added emotional depth & it being the climax of the conversation with Red's desperate "it doesn't have to be this way -" followed by Liz just not being ready for the next part of the conversation & Red accepting that & letting her go with a wish for her to be safe.

And of course the little twist of the Jason Bourne-esque ending - I remember tweaking and re-tweaking that paragraph & the subsequent ending bc it's the real center of the fic & I wanted it to be good.

And the last line is a reference to the title as well 😊

Well, there you go, my friend, I hope this was interesting/entertaining for you to read!! 😅 Thank you so much again for asking about this fic, I really appreciate!! 🥰 Much love to you, my friend!! ❤️

[fallingfromdepression]

12/6/2020

this is gonna be less about school and more me rambling about my mental health and where i am rn in life. i got triggered earlier and i’m hoping i’ll feel better once i write it all out so then i can hopefully get my mind focused back on trying to do this final assignment due tmr evening that i’ve barely started so that’s what the stakes are. put under a cut bc it’s detailing quite a bit of some of my personal life

so i bought a surprise box from an indie artist that ended up being around $30 total with shipping (not too bad since the box is supposed to include at least $50 worth of merch). i haven’t had a lot of misc purchases ever since i came back home, or at least i’m definitely spending less than i did when i was at school, and i generally like all of this artist’s merch so i thought it was a decent expense. unfortunately i did have to buy it today when i am technically supposed to be working on finals and etc but it didn’t take much time since i was notified abt the restock yesterday and i preferred to buy sooner rather than later (i.e. after all my finals are finished) esp from small businesses that have a limited stock. but since my parent is intimately involved with my finances, they saw the purchase asap and kind of interrogated me abt it esp since it’s not a purchase from amazon or a bigger business.

now the context that makes that latter part more meaningful: about this time last yr, i had a situation where i tried to buy an anime merch through a proxy on twitter. this proxy didn’t have an actual website so i was buying through DMs. when i paid the proxy in advance, this same parent saw the purchase and asked me abt it and checked up on the process without asking for any further info. i made the grave mistake (in hindsight) of being honest and telling them i still hadn’t received the purchase months after i had paid them so then this whole shitshow ensued where my parent was convinced the proxy was conning me (the proxy had proxied merch for other ppl before based on their facebook proxy page) and had me cancel the proxy which the proxy thankfully agreed to except they still wanted some payment since they had still gone through the effort to get the merch supposedly (the wait was due to them not shipping the good out yet) so they said they were only going to refund part of the payment. yet again i told my parent abt this partial refund and that further convinced my parent the proxy was conning me (out of $3) so they were like no absolutely no payment to the proxy. lucky for the proxy, around the time i was refunding the payment i had left home and gone back to school so i told them to refund the full amt and i’d pay them separately so i could pretend this $3 payment was for something else i was buying physically. and very very lucky for me the proxy was understanding and refunded the full amt so it looked like i got everything back and i paid them separately through another app. the thing is i was expecting the proxy to take a while bc i had seen on other twitter accounts that proxied merch through individuals tended to take a while, and it had been abt 2ish months since i made the payment. i understand the concern my parent had esp since they are not familiar with online informal dealings, but the thing is ever since this fiasco my parent has assumed everything i buy from a small business (aka anything they don’t recognize) is me getting conned again.

to a degree i understanding and appreciate the concern, but i’m frustrated bc even with that proxy payment i literally cried that night out of anxiety and concern bc i knew there was a chance i could get conned and i had spent days being like ‘should i do it. oh god idk should i. but i’ve checked up on this proxy through any means possible and they seem ok enough...’ so it’s not like i’m like naive af and being like ‘tee hee con me !!’ like i understand the risk and was willing to do it (and to this day i still believe i would have gotten the merch albeit much later than expected). and my age is considered adult age pretty much internationally so it’s not like i’m a naive af 8yo who doesn’t know the dangers of the internet. yes i haven’t made much online purchases but i’m aware of the scams and try to make sure i’m buying from a trusted seller and if it’s worth it for the price. but i hate having to be so concerned abt my spending habits and whether the package will get here in time before my parent cancels the order out of fear of me being conned “again” at my age. i’ll admit i don’t have a stable job yet but it’s not like i’m spending money every week or even every month. if i wasn’t at home i would be less concerned bc the shipment isn’t going to my home address so the parent can’t scrutinize it but bc it is now, my spending is put under more scrutiny.

anyway my parent’s low-key interrogation shook up my mental state as expected and i had to take a bit to unload on my sibling and cry a little. i know if i wasn’t at home this wouldn’t affect me as much but bc i’m at home and having to deal with it in person instead of over text or a phone call... and the damn pandemic isn’t ending anytime soon so i’m going to have to stay at home for the indefinite future. it’s not like i have a ton of shit i want to buy but i don’t want to have to deal with this trigger every few months (last purchase was back in maybe september or so towards a book publishing kickstarter which i guess bc it was only $15 my parent didn’t kick up too much of a fuss abt since technically i still don’t have the ebook i paid for). i’m not purchasing any christmas presents for friends or anyone so i don’t have that as a cover or anything. but the thing is even once i leave home i have little confidence i’ll be able to be independent and my sibling told me it’ll take a few years for me to get a grasp on things but idk. it just feels so far away in the future and i can’t envision my present self with no motivation or willpower to do it even though i mean when push comes to shove i’ll get it done i suppose. i know the rational outsider’s answer would be ‘well why don’t you start working on that better future self now?’ and i’m like great fucking suggestion and i have nothing to argue against that. i just literally cannot envision my future at this point, even if i act on my vague dream of doing art as a job. maybe once i fucking finish these finals and this quarter i’ll be able to think more clearly but idk. as i said in my last post, i really need to consider seeing a therapist bc being at home and having to handle being under my parents’ control again is really doing a number on me esp as essentially a NEET (partially false since i’m still in edu but i really do be feeling like that since i feel so useless and dependent on my parents at my age when i know others my age are slightly more independent).

i feel like this ended up me rambling about essentially the same things i ramble abt whenever i talk abt my mental health the past few years and idk how much this actually helped unload the burden on my mental state. i just wish i didn’t have to have this trigger bc i would’ve just made the purchase and then not think much abt it until i receive the package. but now i have to have this concern for the future on top of the fucking deadlines i have in the next 2 days.

[sebastianshaw]

Rando Munday ramblings! For new followers, on Munday sometimes I just post a bunch of personal stuff I normally wouldn’t. Not usually anything intimately personal, more like random thoughts and news that just isn’t relevant to the blog in any way, not related to X-Men or RP or writing in general, etc. ....there’s a lot of Hannibal today, sorry, I’m rewatching it.

- I definitely wanna have a pair of critters named Hannibal and Hasdrubal at some point, maybe if there's a third I'd name him Hamilcar. I know everyone will think I named them after Hannibal Lector but actually these are really common names from Ancient Carthage. Like if you look at Carthagian history and records, everyone is Hannibal, Hasdrubal, or Hamilcar, it's like John, James, and Jim. I'd prefer the pair, though, since Hannibal and Hasdrubal were a pair of brothers and famous historical figures, so it would feel much more like a "set" that way (whereas they did not have a brother called Hamilcar) - Speaking of Hannibal Lector, I knew he was based on a real person, but I did not realize that person was a gay Mexican man. That’s...an interesting example of gay history, for sure. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Thomas Harris (the writer of the books that the films and later the TV series were based on) based Hannibal on a surgeon he met while interviewing an inmate at prison for another novel. This surgeon was so intelligent and charismatic that Harris implicitly assumed that he was a doctor in the employ of the prison. Nope---the doctor was an inmate himself. Harris was so shaken by the encounter that it inspired him to create Hannibal Lector, who, in contrast to the typical media portrayals of serial killers as uncontrolled lunatic slashers like Michael Myers or Leatherface, is a charming, culture, charismatic intellectual. To protect the man’s identity, Harris called him “Dr. Salazar” in interviews, so that was always how I knew him. I just now learned not only was his real name Alfredo Balli Trevino, but his victim was Jesus Castillo Rangel, his male lover. Harris describes him as a small, lithe man with dark red hair and, unsurprisingly, “a certain elegance about him”. Though Trevino was given the death penalty for his crimes, his sentence was commuted to 20 years and he was released in either 1980 or 1981. He died in in 2009 when he was 81 years old. He reportedly spent the last years of his life helping the poor and elderly, and he expressed deep regret for his “dark past”---which I suppose makes sense, since his crime was that he killed a lover in a fit of rage during an argument, whereas Hannibal simply killed people in cold blood whom he had no attachment to because he liked eating them (something Trevino never did) and to punish them for rudeness. - I’ve decided to stop buying silk, unless it's from a thrift store and thus my money won't go to supporting sericulture. Ahimsa silk isn't an option either, the bugs aren't technically killed but they're not treated well either. I know it might seem weird to eat meat and wear leather and yet not want to purchase something that hurt moths and larva, but...I have to eat meat for medical reasons, and my leather purchases is limited to boots that I then keep for YEARS AND YEARS so it's very sparing. There's really no such thing as a cruelty-free diet or lifestyle, whether that cruelty is suffered by animals or by other humans, but I can still make choices that at least lesson some small aspect of harm. I need to eat meat, I don't need real silk. ...Haven only wears bamboo silk for this reason and when this came up with Shaw, he absolutely thought she was fucking with him, like even SHE can’t be THIS insane, NO ONE ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT BUGS WTF - The books nearest to me right now are “Women Who Run With The Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype ” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, The Norton Anthology of English Literature: The Romantic Period, “X-Men: The Legacy Quest Trilogy” by Steve Lyons, two  horror anthologies, the script for “M. Butterfly” by David Henry Hwang, “The Spanish Riding School of Vienna: Tour of America 2005″ book I got from when I went to see the Lippizanner horses perform, and a big beautiful leatherbound English translation of “The Flowers of Evil” by Charles Baudelaire. This is...this is a summary of my whole personality, sans rodents. Also god I need to clean my room. - Something I've noticed is that many sci-fi horror films that do the whole "science went too far against nature!!!" thing....don't actually have the problem result from the lack of ethics involved or because the scientists did something "unnatural", it happens because they didn't follow basic safety precautions, lab protocol, common sense, etc. "Splice" for instance, is a really good example---the problem isn't that they made a part-human hybrid, that's not why shit goes wrong, shit goes wrong because the two scientists act like idiots, adopt the creation as a child, hide it in their barn instead of a sterile controlled environment, and then one of them HAS SEX WITH IT. Or in "The Fly" the problem isn't that Brundle invented a teleporter, it's that he tested it ON HIMSELF while he was ALL ALONE. Even in "Jurassic Park" the issue is less that dinosaurs are breeding and more the result of a disgruntled worker who was given way too much power over being able to run things, and thus shut them down when he wants to. So many "science gone wrong!" movies end up not really being condemnations of science itself, so much as depicting scientists as utter dumbasses. Which, on the one hand, I do like, because I dislike the notion of condemning scientific progress just because it seems icky or creepy or "goes against nature" (so do vaccines, I still like those!) But on the other hand, the movies don't FRAME it as "this is the result of failure to practice science safely and sensibly" they frame it as "they should never have attempted such an unnatural thing and this disaster is punishment for a moral sin" even though the issue doesn't happen because what the scientists did was "wrong" it happens because they do something DUMB. - Bringing it back to Hannibal, I reached the episode where Margot Verger first appears, and if I have one big disappointment about the Hannibal series, it's Margot. In the books, she's a huge butch lesbian, literally and figuratively. In the TV series, she's a pretty femme fashionista like all the other women, and she fucks Will in order to get pregnant. At the time this came out in 2013, I tried to be all resigned and fair-minded about this. I was like "ok, well, they didn't want to be offensive with a stereotype, and I guess that's fair, I guess not hurting people matters more to me than getting the horseback-riding bulldyke hearthrob of my high school years on-screen at last" but you know what? No. Firstly, butch lesbians deserve representation too. How many have you ever seen onscreen, let alone in a mainstream media production? Sure, it's a stereotype, but it's not an inherently negative one, they just get treated that way in media because society sees it that way. But the way to handle butch lesbians and femme gay men and so on isn't to erase them from the screen, it's to start writing them as human beings and not caricatures or jokes or monsters. Margot is a fleshed-out human being, she's nuanced and twisted and hurt like everyone else in this series, she would be PERFECT for that. She wouldn't be just a butch lesbian, she'd be a CHARACTER who just also happens to be a butch lesbian. I don't really think she was changed to avoid "hurting" lesbians, I think she was changed because the director, gay man or not, clearly has a way he wants the women in his series to look (they're all fashion plates, all have long hair, all very sophisticated, etc) and book Margot didn't fit his aesthetic, his design if you will. Because god forbid we just make her a DAPPER dyke, right? Back to having sex with Will, which most certainly did NOT happen in the books...that's not bad itself in a VACUUM, fucking men to get a baby is something real-life lesbians do, I had a friend in college who was actually conceived that way, but like...no media exists in a vacuum, and there is very little depiction of lesbians in media that doesn't feature them fucking men for SOME reason or another. They want a baby, or they start the story with a boyfriend, or they're actually bisexual, or they're even raped, but there's always SOME reason we have to watch a guy fucking them and it's frankly distressing. Like, remember Irene Adler in BBC's Sherlock? It's a pattern. And I'm not saying lesbians who have had a sexual past with men, or who were the victims of sexual violence by men, don't deserve representation, I would never say that, those are very common experiences, I'm not saying "gold stars only", I'm saying that there is a strong pattern in media where it seems almost obligatory that a lesbian has to have sex with or be attracted to men at some point, while comparatively the opposite case, where a lesbian is depicted as exclusively and only attracted to and "with" other women, is seldom there. And it's just kind of a kick in the nads for me, as I think it was for a lot of other lesbians, butch or not, that a gay director took an opportunity like Margot Verger and turned her into just another attractive lipstick lesbian that is okay with having sex with the male protagonist as a treat tee hee (Spoiler: She does end up with Alana though, which I appreciate)