#that entire scene where she's like IS HE EVERYTHING? AND JOEL IS ABOUT TO GO THRUUUU IT

[imgoingtocrash]

The Last of Us (HBO) - Episode 5, "Endure and Survive" // The Road by Cormac McCarthy

[yelena-bellova]

Twenty Years Later: Joel Miller x F!Reader - Chapter Five

Chapter Five: Soundtrack of Life

Plot: Y/n, Joel and Ellie journey to Bill and Frank’s house, where Joel and Y/n are forced into a conversation.

Word Count: 11.2k

Warnings: tlou ep.3 spoilers, language, guns, canon-typical violence, mention of killing (16+)

A/N: You guys blow this thing up more and more each week and I’m blown away each time. I see all your lovely comments, even if I don’t respond. A gentle reminder that this is a 16+ fic and I will not be adding anyone to the taglist who does not have their name on their page. Gotta look out for younger eyes 👀

Regarding this chapter, I did NOT intend forit to be this long. I honestly thought because the episode was all about Bill and Frank that it would be the shortest, but here we are. It contains one of my favorite scenes of the entire series, I’ll let you guess which one it os 😉

—————————

May 16th, 2002. Austin, Texas.

Y/n considered herself a fairly confidant person. She kept her fear reserved for things like family emergencies, natural disasters…things out of her control.

Not first dates with men she’d known a week.

She was pacing her kitchen, heels clicking against the linoleum floor and her sundress swishing each time she looped around. Her hands wrung themselves against her abdomen. She had never felt so nervous about a date, not even in high school. She figured it was a warning sign of some type. Either she was making a huge mistake or a fantastic decision. She rested her head against one of the cabinets and prayed it was the latter…

Outside Y/n’s complex, Joel had just parked his truck. Dressed in a long sleeved plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows, jeans and dress shoes, he felt constrained. Like his chest had expended three sizes and the shirt was no longer able to accommodate it. Or was he just hot? Hungry?

Joel tightened his grip on the steering wheel and shut his eyes. He was nervous.

It had been at least one, maybe two years since he’d been on a date. A neighbor’s daughter that Joel had felt obligated to go out with so that it would sate his street in their constant attempts at setting him up. It had been much longer since he’d voluntarily sought someone out. Taking a deep breath, he reminded himself it wasn’t marriage. They were just going to dinner. If nothing happened, it wasn’t the end of the world…

Joel sighed, but he wanted something to happen…

He picked up the roses from the passenger seat, a nod to the night they’d met, pocketed his keys and stepped out of the truck. He felt dazed as he climbed the stairs to the second floor. 41B, Y/n had told him. When he reached the door, he hesitated to knock. Such a minuscule part of the night, but the mere act of coming to her door felt like the beginning of…everything.

Three raps broke Y/n from her panic party.

She’d put on an old record, hoping it would ease her nerves. It hadn’t done a thing. She stood up straight, drawing a deep and tried to force confidence through her body.

When Y/n opened the door, Joel lost any and all words he’d been thinking over in his head. She was dressed in a simple yellow flowered dress, but it was her wearing it that melted Joel. She looked like sunshine itself.

“Hi,” she smiled.

“Hi,” Joel exhaled, “Sorry if I’m late.”

Y/n looked at the clock near the door, “Only a minute. I think I can excuse that.”

Joel huffed a nervous laugh. What came next?

“These are for you,” he stated, holding out the flowers.

Roses. Y/n was shocked that Joel had remembered the tiny detail of their night in the bar. Tommy’s nickname was going to stick so long as she stuck around the Millers, she had a feeling…

“They’re gorgeous,” she giggled, “You’ve got a good memory.”

Joel gave a half shrug, rubbing his sweaty palms against his jeans after.

Y/n felt like her brain had stopped processing for a split second. She jumped back to reality, “Come on in, I’ll go get these in some water.”

Joel followed her into the apartment, shutting the door behind him. It was modest, minimally decorated but the walls had pictures strung all over them. He could already tell she was more sentimental than materialistic. The roses had been a good decision.

Y/n made her way to her kitchen, carefully balancing as she crouched down to dig through her cabinets for a vase. Flowers. He’d brought her flowers. What guy did that on a first date? Was that a Texas gentleman thing? She didn’t particularly care, it was one of the sweetest gestures someone had ever made towards her. And tying it back to the night they’d met made it that much sweeter.

“Nice place,” Joel called from the entry area. The apartment was open so if the front door was one end, the kitchen was stretched twenty feet away from it.

“It’s decent,” Y/n replied, filling the vase with water, “Moving was such a spur of the moment decision, I didn’t think I was going to find anything.”

Joel awkwardly balled his fists at his side, he didn’t want to walk too far and cross a line. It was only then that he realized there was music playing.

“Linda Ronstadt,” he blurted.

“Oh yeah,” Y/n smiled, heading over to turn off her record player, “You like her?”

“Love her,” Joel replied, good taste in music was another box ticked for him.

“Okay,” Y/n announced, more to encourage herself, and crossed the room, “All set.”

She grabbed her purse off the hook and Joel opened the door for her.

“Where are we going?” Y/n asked as she locked the door.

This was the part Joel was dreading most of all. “Yeah,” he began, shoving his hands in his pockets, “There’s a place ‘bout ten minutes away called Tito’s. It’s, uh, it’s not the fanciest place but-“

Feeling a sudden, and most likely brief, wave of confidence wash over her, Y/n turned around and put her hand on Joel’s chest.

“Hey,” she smiled, “I don’t care about any of that. I work in a hardware store, I’m not expecting Seasons 52.”

Weight both lifted and slammed into Joel’s chest. If Y/n’s laugh could warm it, her touch could give it new life.

A corner of his mouth quirked upwards, “Okay.”

With an affirmative nod, Y/n allowed Joel to lead her down the stairs, open the car door for her and take her deep into the Friday night Austin scene…

—————————————

Tito’s had ended up being the perfect place.

There was very little a fancy restaurant could add to a date. Sure, the setting could be romantic, but that didn’t guarantee romance. At the end of the day, whether you went to the biggest hotel in the city or a fast food joint, it all boiled down to feeling that spark.

Joel and Y/n’s spark could have set fire to Austin.

“So wait,” Y/n tried to contain her laughter, they were seated out on the patio, “Tommy seriously nailed his pants…to the wall?”

Joel took a swig of his Budweiser and shrugged, “And tried to blame the nail gun.”

Y/n covered her mouth as she snorted, “So no tequila the night before a job anymore, huh?”

Joel shook his head, pointing off into the distance, “And a mile down the road, he just shot straight up in bed because I told you that story.”

Another round of laughter. “Oh gosh,” Y/n sniffled, “Can’t imagine what you two were like as kids.”

“You have any brothers or sisters?” Joel asked, every time he asked her a question, he got to stare at her. It had made him more chatty than usual.

“Two,” Y/n answered, “Sister and a brother, both older.”

“Baby of the family,” Joel observed.

“Yes, and as the age-old tale goes,” Y/n scrunched her nose and smiled, “I’m the little lost bird. Brother’s an Ivy League english teacher who vacations in Europe every year. My sister’s married to a ridiculously successful doctor and just had a baby.”

Joel listened carefully, coming up confused. “I’m not following,” he said, wiping his mouth with his napkin, “What about that makes you lost?”

“They’re both very settled,” Y/n answered, swirling her beer, “They both knew exactly what they wanted in life and they went for it. One of the whole reasons I moved to Austin was to try and find that…thing, you know?”

Joel nodded, “Yeah, I get it,” he decided to lighten the mood, “And the hardware store’s it, huh?”

Y/n smiled and rolled her eyes, “No, the hardware store’s not it. But it makes me happy.”

“That’s a step in the right direction, then,” Joel commented, never taking his eyes off of her.

Y/n could have sat there for the rest of the night just enjoying the warmth of his stare. “So,” she shook herself out of the daze, “What about you? Is construction your thing?”

Joel laughed under his breath, “Pays the bills. Wasn’t originally what I saw myself doin’, but it’s work.”

“What did you want to do?” Y/n asked.

“Music,” Joel answered, “Guitar.”

Y/n’s eyes widened, “You play?”

“I used to,” Joel said, knowing the question that would come after. That was the true test…”Still do sometimes, just for myself.”

“What made you stop?”

Joel sighed, staring down at the condensation that his beer had formed on the table. Either he was about to bring the night to a grinding halt or…well, he hadn’t seen the second option yet. From anyone.

“I met someone,” he started, “We had a kid. She ran out on me pretty soon after. Not a lot of time left over to go around playin’ gigs.”

The chatter around them seemed to fade as Y/n took in the reality of Joel’s answer. He was a single father, and had been for a while, it seemed. All of him made complete sense suddenly. The constant worry lines on his face, the responsibility, the work ethic…

“Boy or a girl?” Y/n took a chance and asked.

“Girl,” Joel answered, a small smile coming to his face, “She’s about to turn thirteen.”

Y/n continued, “What’s her name?”

Joel was surprised, more than surprised, that Y/n wasn’t running the other way. There weren’t a lot of women who willingly took on single dads. Here she was wanting to learn about his little family.

“Sarah.”

Y/n nodded, letting the information rest on the table. “Sarah,” she echoed, “What’s she like?”

“She’s…” Joel let out a laugh under his breath, “She’s incredible. Gets straight A’s, plays soccer, got room in her heart for just about everyone she meets…”

Y/n listened enthusiastically as Joel told stories about his stories as a single dad. How Tommy was helping to raise Sarah, how the three of them were extremely tight knit, how he wished his long hours didn’t interfere with getting to spend time with her…not even for a second did she think about leaving.

“You love her so much,” Y/n blurted before she could think it through. She just had to say it.

Joel smiled warmly over his beer bottle, “She’s my world.”

It was a moment so tender, it almost broke your heart. Joel was letting Y/n closer than anyone else had gotten…ever. And she wasn’t pulling away, she was digging in.

Inside the restaurant, there was soft music playing over a dance floor. Joel and Y/n had eyed it all evening, wondering if their night would inevitably end up there. From outside on the patio, they could hear the song change to one they both knew.

“I love this song,” Y/n said in passing.

Joel had been waiting all night for his nerves to calm or for the perfect song to transcend pass the anxiety. This was as good as it was going to get.

“You wanna dance?”

Y/n’s smile spread across her face, “Yeah.”

Joel stood and held out his hand for Y/n to take, their palms tingling at the touch. He kept a loose hold on it as he led her into the building, snaking through the crowd and onto the dance floor. Their were couples packed wall to wall, but they were able to find a pocket of space just for them.

Y/n’s heart did double time as she rested her hand on Joel’s broad shoulder. Joel pulled her towards him, connecting their hands and holding them up. They hadn’t yet been this close and it felt as intoxicating as they thought it might.

Joel’s hand rested on the higher part of Y/n’s hip. He exhaled shakily, hoping she hadn’t noticed. Slowly, they began to sway to the soft guitar.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you….

It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do….

They moved as one, Y/n’s gaze resting over Joel’s shoulder because she knew if she looked in his eyes, she’d be overwhelmed.

Joel’s desires were doing battle with his self-control. He wanted to wrap himself around her entirely, leaving no space between their bodies. He would, of course, leave it up to her. She got to decide where the night went.

I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you…

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you…

Their chests brushed against each other, sending a thrill through their bodies. The second it started to fade, Y/n chased it, inching closer to Joel till their torsos aligned.

Joel’s head instinctively turned towards her just as she looked up. Y/n’s nose grazed his cheek, his beard delightfully scraping her skin. If they had intended to make eye contact, they never made it there. With Joel’s breath fanning her face and the scent of his cologne enveloping her, Y/n didn’t dare move and disturb the perfection.

No, I don't wanna fall in love…

(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Feeling confidant that she wouldn’t pull away, Joel’s arm slid around Y/n’s waist, his hand resting across her lower back. Y/n’s skin felt inflamed, like the building’s walls had fallen and the heat of the night was swallowing her whole. Her cheek fell against Joel’s closing the very last bit of space that laid between them.

No, I don't wanna fall in love…

(This world is only gonna break your heart)

With you…

That was it, it was a done deal. There was nothing left for them to do but let themselves fall. Their hearts hammered in time with one another, their respective anxiety intertwining at the base of their souls and transfiguring. Instead of a storm, raging, crashing, knocking them over, it became a wave, powerful and passionate. Drawing strength from each other, they allowed the full force of their feelings to flood them.

When the night was over, Joel drove Y/n back to her apartment. They’d chatted on the drive over, but the dance had left them both stunned. Where was there to go from there? What were they supposed to say when a whole conversation had been had in each other’s arms?

They walked up the stairs, coming to Y/n’s door and nervously pausing.

“I had a great time,” Y/n said, fiddling with her keys in one hand.

“Me too,” Joel smiled, broader than his usual thin lipped smirk.

The space between them grew tense. Who was supposed to ask who out for a second date? Were they supposed to kiss? What was-

“So…” Joel set aside all his excessive thoughts, “Did I earn a shot at a second date?”

A laugh rippled through Y/n’s body, thankful that he’d been the one to bring it up. Drawing from Joel’s confidence, she closed the space between them and placed a hand on Joel’s shoulder.

“I think your chances are pretty good,” she softly told him.

Joel’s heart throbbed at both Y/n’s touch and her words. His hand found its way to her waist, not wanting to let the closeness go just yet. They only needed to move a few inches, just a few measly inches and then they’d have it all.

Joel’s breath fanned Y/n’s lips as they allowed themselves to be drawn into one another. The delicious space, hanging on the edge of desire and satisfaction, was enough for them. That was how they knew there was something different to what they felt. Just to be close was enough.

“Maybe we should wait,” Y/n whispered in their shared space, pressing her fingers into Joel’s shoulder a little, “Wouldn’t want to rush anything.”

The tip of Joel’s nose rubbed hers, admitting a defeat that didn’t feel like one. “Wouldn’t want you to think you can take advantage of me or somethin’,” Joel smirked, “I have my reputation to think of.”

Y/n’s laugh mingled with Joel’s, her skin tingling as he brushed a stray piece of hair from her face.

“I’ll call you,” Joel assured.

“I hope so,” Y/n smiled before daring to press her lips to his cheek, “Goodnight, Joel.”

“Goodnight,” Joel choked out, the touch of her kiss paralyzing him.

She unlocked her front door and headed in, Joel stood on the welcome mat until the lock clicked. Alone in the concrete hall, he boyishly kicked his foot and grinned.

Y/n rested her forehead against the front door, shaking her head and grinning.

Joel got down to his truck, started it up and fell back in his seat.

Y/n laughed against the door, playing the night back in her head.

Joel smiled and slapped the steering wheel.

They felt weightless.

—————————

2023. Outside Boston.

Grief hung like a storm cloud over the group.

Y/n had left Joel and Ellie to make a lavatory out of nature, and was walking back. They’d camped overnight in a forest, a few miles outside of Boston. Joel had instructed they were leaving as soon as the sun came up.

When she got back to their camp, she found Ellie sitting up against her tree near the creek, Joel’s jacket draped over her legs.

“He’s still not back?” Y/n asked.

“Nope,” Ellie popped her lips.

Y/n rolled her eyes, if Joel was going to boss them around, he needed to comply with his own demands. She set off into the forest, going the same way he had.

The sound of the larger creek welcomed her. She scanned the area, looking for Joel’s tall frame and finding nothing. She slapped her hands against her legs in a shrug, if anything had happened to him, they’d be dead too. Where was-

The scrape of stones caught her ear.

Y/n gazed down to see Joel, hunched over on the river’s bed of rocks. With a fair bit of distance between them, Y/n could see him stacking stones. He was building a cairn.

He was building Tess a grave.

Y/n’s feelings contradicted themselves. Joel’s loss of the woman he cared for felt karmic, in a way, and yet the sight of him, so broken and empty, reminded her that bitterness had no place commingling with loss.

She didn’t disturb his memorial, she simply leaned against a nearby tree. Tess’ last wish hadn’t been selfish, she had begged for protection for Joel. They were, perhaps, the most heartbreaking final words Y/n had ever heard. She’d promised Tess, what else was she supposed to do? She couldn’t let Tess die in a horrific sacrifice thinking that Joel would meet her soon after.

Y/n sighed, letting her head hit the tree. The day was already exhausting her.

She decided to let Joel have a few extra minutes, walking back to their campsite. Ellie was in the exact same position as when she left. All of this trauma was being rehashed for one girl, but Y/n still believed she was worth it.

Footsteps behind her signaled that Joel was back from his solitary service. He didn’t look in either Y/n or Ellie’s direction, only trudging to his backpack and squatting beside it. It had been a near silent walk from Boston, Ellie asking Y/n an occasional question or Joel giving directions. They were all avoiding each other for different reasons.

Joel blamed Ellie.

Y/n blamed Joel.

And Ellie blamed no one, but could sense tension when she saw it.

“You want your jacket back?” Ellie asked Joel, testing the waters.

Joel continued digging through his backpack, responding with a small shake of the head. He still refused to look at her. The only gesture he made was after digging out and taking a bite of food, he threw the remainders to Ellie.

“I’ve never been in the woods,” the girl continued talking, “More bugs than I thought.”

Y/n leaned up against a tree, waiting and watching how the interaction played out.

“Look, I’ve been thinking about-“ Ellie started.

Joel rose to his feet, throwing his backpack over his shoulder, “I don’t want your sorries.”

Ellie sat forward, “I wasn’t gonna say I’m sorry. I was gonna say that I’ve been thinking about what happened. Nobody made you or Tess take me. Nobody made you go along with this plan. You needed a truck battery or whatever, and you made a choice. So don’t blame me for something that isn’t my fault.”

Joel’s eyes scanned Ellie before looking to Y/n, who simply raised an eyebrow at him. She was in total agreement. And the truth was, Joel didn’t have a reason to put any of what happened on Ellie. But he wanted someone to be angry with, someone to fling his grief at so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it any longer.

The rational side of him won out. He gave Ellie a small nod, mentally collected himself and picked up his rifle. It was time to hit the road.

Ellie got up and handed Joel his jacket, “How much longer?”

“Five-hour hike,” he answered.

Y/n collected her backpack, tied her jacket around her waist and came to stand with Ellie.

“We can manage that,” the girl shrugged, she was the most confidant out of all three of them.

Joel glanced over at Y/n again, the two of them communicating their indifference wordlessly, before turning on his heel.

Y/n put a hand on Ellie’s head and waited for Joel to be out of earshot, “Attagirl.”

Ellie smiled up at the woman and they fell in step a few feet behind their guide.

Joel got them out of the woods and onto a dirt path, leading their party silently and expecting the same in return. Y/n was perfectly content not to utter a word, but Joel was quickly learning something she already knew; Ellie didn’t do “quiet.”

“You’ve gone this way a lot? No infected?”

“Not often, no,” Joel answered.

“What are you looking out for?” Ellie asked.

“People.”

“Oh,” she rested a beat, “Are Bill and Frank nice?”

“Frank is.”

Y/n stepped forward to walk alongside them, keeping to Ellie’s side. “You haven’t told us anything about them,” she spoke up.

“There’s nothing to tell,” Joel answered.

“I’m entrusting two strangers with our lives,” Y/n scoffed, “There’s a lot to tell.”

“They’re good,” Joel said with finality to his tone.

“Oh, well…” Y/n mumbled under her breath, she was over the whole What-I-Say-Goes front.

Ellie was undeterred by their bickering. “How’d you get that scar on your head?”

Joel sighed, already exasperated and it was barely morning.

“What? Is it something lame?” Ellie inquired excitedly, “Like, you fell down the stairs or something?”

“I didn’t fall down any stairs,” Joel answered.

“Okay, so what then?”

Joel paused before speaking, “Someone shot at me and missed.”

Y/n hated the jolt of concern that shot through her chest. Old habits and all that.

“See, that’s cool,” Ellie insisted, “You shoot back?”

“Yeah,” Joel said.

“You get him?”

“No, I missed too. It happens more often than you think.”

Ellie thought it over, “‘Cause you suck at shooting or, like, in general?”

Joel glanced at her, vaguely insulted, “In general.”

Ellie fell back a step to get a look at Y/n. “What about you?”

“What about me?” Y/n echoed.

“How’d you get this scar?” Ellie poked the white mark on her bare shoulder. She didn’t feel comfortable touching Joel, but she was comfortable with Y/n.

By now, Y/n had scars littered all across her body. Ellie could have pointed to almost any one of them and she would have had to think about where it came from. But the one in the rivet nestled between her scapula and her clavicle was one she could never forget.

“A bullet ricocheted off a wall,” she answered, “Hit me instead.”

“That’s slightly less cool than his,” Ellie commented.

Joel caught himself before he hung back a step to get a look at the mark. It was instinct to worry about her.

“You know, seeing as it’s just the three of us,” Ellie began, “I was thinking I should prob-“

“No,” Joel cut her off, already knowing what she was after.

“Yeah, well, Y/n might feel different,” Ellie said, looking to her only ally.

“She doesn’t,” Y/n answered, smirking slightly at her blind enthusiasm.

They walked a few more feet before coming up on a once-white building.

“Cumberland Farms,” Ellie read the sign.

“Hang back a minute,” Joel instructed them both, though he knew it was useless, “I gotta grab some stuff I stashed.”

“Stashed?” Ellie questioned as she followed, “Why do you have stuff stashed here?”

“You ask a lot of damn questions,” Joel complained.

“Yes,” Ellie smiled, owning every bit of her personality, “I do.”

Joel forced open the door to the old storefront and they entered. It looked just about the same as how he and Tess had left it a few years back.

“So are you gonna answer me or what?” Ellie continued.

Joel relented, “We hide supplies on routes, in case we find ourselves short on gear, which I currently am ‘cause-“

“No way,” Ellie zipped over to the other side of the room, honing in on an old arcade game.

Joel ignored her, Y/n simply smiled to herself.

“You ever play this one?” Ellie asked without really seeking an answer, “Oh, I had a friend who knew everything about this game. There’s this one character named Mileena, who takes off her mask and she has monster teeth-“

While Ellie continued chattering, Joel was pacing the floor, trying to remember where his hiding place had been. Y/n crossed her arms and watched amusedly.

“You forgot where you put your stuff,” Ellie stated.

Joel was quick to defend himself, “No, I’m just zeroing in on it. It’s been a couple of years.”

Ellie and Y/n peered over at one another, sharing a knowing smirk.

“Go see if you can find anything in back,” Y/n instructed, Ellie would have gone even without the prompting, “Practical.”

“Trust me, it’s all been picked over already,” Joel grunted, shaking a wall display.

“Maybe, maybe not,” Ellie replied in a sing-song tone, “Is there anything bad in here?”

“Just you,” Joel called out.

“Ah,” Ellie rolled her eyes, “Getting funnier…”

Y/n set down her backpack, deciding to help speed up the process so they could get back on the road. She walked over to a section of floor that Joel hadn’t searched yet and started kicking around.

“I don’t need help,” Joel muttered.

“If we leave it to you and your shitty memory,” Y/n strained as she shoved a shelving unit with her shoulder, “We’ll be here till dark.”

Joel didn’t want to get drawn into an argument, he also couldn’t resist the person starting it. “My memory’s fine.”

“Oh, really?” Y/n waved a hand across the floor, “Point to the treasure.”

Joel’s lips thinned in frustration, mostly with himself for not being able to find the stash before she latched onto it.

“It’s somewhere on this aisle,” he begrudgingly told her.

“This aisle,” she repeated, the two of them going in opposite directions.

After a minute or two, there was a sound from the back room. “You all right back there?” Joel called.

“Yep!” Ellie replied.

“How likely is it that she’s doing something she shouldn’t be?” Joel asked Y/n, who had weeks more experience curbing Ellie.

Y/n jumped in place on a loose piece of the floor, “100%.”

Joel exhaled and continued searching, eventually feeling a slight raise in one of the tiles. He kicked a few old newspapers aside to discover his hiding spot. And better yet, he’d found it before Y/n did, taking away the opportunity for gloating.

He knelt down and flipped open his pocketknife, cutting open the cover and removing it.

Y/n stopped her hunt and came to crouch down next to him, visually sifting through the supplies. There wasn’t much.

It went against Joel’s natural programming to not be concerned when the back room went silent. Ellie had been gone long enough to have picked through everything at least twice. “Ellie?”

No response.

Now Y/n was on edge as well, rising with Joel. She raised her voice a little louder than him, “Ellie?”

They both unholstered their guns, walking in rhythm together towards the back room. Joel stuck a hand out to form a barrier between whatever unknown threat might have been lurking and Y/n. She annoyedly shoved it away and aimed her gun at the doorway.

They unclenched when Ellie walked out, touting a box of tampons. “Picked over, my ass,” she commented.

Y/n and Joel returned to the stash, Joel unloading his assault rifle and Y/n picking through a tin of first aid supplies.

“What are you doing?” Ellie asked Joel.

“There’s not much ammo out there for this thing,” he replied, bringing the lid back down over the supplies, “Makes it mostly useless.”

Ellie saw an opportunity, “Well, if you’re just gonna leave it there…”

Joel stood to his feet and made direct eye contact, “No.”

Y/n stood up, slung her backpack over her shoulder and lightly pushed Ellie ahead of her. Tess was no longer there to keep occupy Joel and she wanted to put as much space between the two of them as possible.

They were on the dirt road for another hour or two, time didn’t seem to matter in the middle of nowhere. Ellie barely complained, content to take in all that nature had left to offer. At some point, Y/n and Joel had fallen in step with one another. Even sworn enemies would have cracked under pressure and started hurling insults at one another. Their ability to stay silent with one another was unmatched.

“So,” Ellie eventually killed the quiet, “Are you ever going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Y/n replied.

“Why you two broke up.”

Joel scrunched his eyes shut, the darkness of his lids a more preferable place to be.

Y/n took the hit and answered, “We never said we dated.”

“You didn’t have to. You knew each other in Texas but you don’t talk,” Ellie began to list off her reasons, “And when you do talk, it’s only to fight.”

“Friends fight too,” Y/n suggested.

Ellie scoffed, “Not like you two.”

There was passion that bled through Joel and Y/n’s arguments that was only born from love. It was one thing they’d never be able to change.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Ellie continued, “I’ll just know that I’m right.”

Joel stopped short, putting a hand up to Ellie and trying to stay calm. “You do not need to say every fuckin’ thing that pops into your head,” he said, driving certain syllables harder than others.

Ellie was unfazed by him, turning her gaze to Y/n. “Was he always this grumpy?”

Y/n sighed, her time in Austin was a piece of her past she didn’t want anyone having. The obviousness of her and Joel’s fractured connection bothered her, it made it that much harder to sever it entirely. She picked up the pace again, getting ahead of Joel and Ellie.

Joel’s eyes followed her, something inside of him twinging against his will. He spared a glance at Ellie and continued on the path.

“Yeah,” Ellie smiled to herself, “They dated.”

They walked a little further before Ellie got distracted by something in a field. “Holy shit,” she exclaimed.

Up on a hilltop lay the rusted remains of a plane crash. The three of them stopped, it was getting harder for Joel and Y/n to remember a world where things like airplanes had existed.

“You fly in one of those?” Ellie asked,

“A few times, sure,” Joel answered.

“Yeah,” Y/n said.

Ellie’s excited eyes scanned the wreck, “So lucky.”

“Didn’t feel like it at the time,” Joel recalled, “Get shoved into a middle seat, pay twelve bucks for a sandwich…”

“Or hit turbulence,” Y/n remembered.

“You got to go up in the sky,” Ellie stated, her voice filled with wonder. Another simple pleasure stolen from her…

Joel had always been more of a realist than Y/n, who wanted Ellie to hold on to whatever pieces of happiness she could. “Yeah, well, so did they,” he added, killing the levity of the moment.

“Grim…” Ellie commented as they continued walking. “So everything came crashing down in one day?”

“Pretty much,” Joel answered, giving Y/n space to interject. She’d gone silent again.

“How?” Ellie asked, “I mean, no one was infected with Cordyceps, everybody’s fine, eating in restaurants and flying in planes. And then all at once? How did it even start? If you have to get bit to be infected, then who bit the first person? Was it a monkey? I bet it was a monkey.”

Y/n almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. Almost.

“It wasn’t a monkey,” Joel answered, “I thought you went to school.”

“FEDRA school,” Ellie replied quickly, “They don’t teach us how their shitty government failed to prevent a pandemic.”

Joel sighed, he couldn’t fault her for wanting to know how her world was destroyed before she’d even gotten there.

“No one knows for sure, but, best guess,” he began, “Cordyceps mutated. And some of it got into the food supply. Probably a basic ingredient like flour or sugar. There were certain brands of food that were sold everywhere, all across the country, all across the world. Bread, cereal…”

Joel and Y/n didn’t have to look at one another to know they were having the same thought.

“Pancake mix,” Joel continued, “You eat enough of it, it’ll get you infected. So the tainted food all hits the store shelves around the same time, Thursday. People bought it, ate some Thrusday night or Friday morning. Day goes on…they started to get sick. Afternoon, evening, they got worse,” Joel paused, a flash of blood coming to his mind, “Then they started bitin’.”

Y/n shut her eyes, as if it was all playing out in front of her again.

“Friday night,” Joel was able to push out, “September 26th, 2003. And by Monday, everything was gone.”

Y/n didn’t know whether to scream or stay quiet. Her entire world had come crashing down in a span of 72 hours.

“It makes more sense than monkeys,” Ellie said, then looked at Joel, “Thanks.”

“Sure,” he replied. Joel still wasn’t sure what to do with her, but he was trying. He only had to try for a few more hours, anyway.

Y/n kept her eyes down as she walked, only stopping when Ellie and Joel fell out of step. Joel had his arm stretched over Ellie’s chest to keep her in place.

“What now?” Y/n asked, nearing her breaking point with patience.

“We’ll cut across the woods here,” Joel directed.

“Isn’t the road easier?” Ellie asked.

“Yeah, it’s just,” Joel took a breath, looking ahead to Y/n, “There’s stuff up there you shouldn’t see.”

Y/n chortled, she couldn’t take any more of his mood swings. One minute he didn’t care, the next he was watching out for their sensitive eyes?

“Well, now I have to see,” Ellie sang, walking ahead to join Y/n.

“I don’t want you to,” Joel pushed.

“Newsflash, Joel,” Y/n announced, “It’s the fucking apocalypse. We’ve all seen things we don’t want to see.”

Joel paced after them, chasing Ellie more than his ex, “I’m not kidding. Ellie!”

“Can it hurt us?” Ellie asked as Y/n fell behind her.

“No,” Joel answered truthfully.

She spun around to face him as she strolled, “You’re too honest, man, Should’ve said axe murderer.”

While Ellie walked ahead, Joel sped up to match Y/n’s pace. “I’m serious, she shouldn’t see it.”

“You know what,” Y/n didn’t break stride, “I’m sure our delicate little sensibilities can handle whatever it is.”

Anger is intoxicating, but it can also be all-encompassing. It can numb all other senses, blinding all other emotions until the red is staining every part of someone’s perspective. Y/n’s rage with Joel was deceiving her into thinking everything that came out of his mouth was either an insult or an overreaction. Joel knew that the second she found what he was trying to shield her and Ellie from, she’d regret it instantly. But it was futile to fight her.

“Uh, whatever it was,” Ellie called from the front of the group, “Think it’s gone.”

Y/n felt sure of herself as she trudged on, until the details of Ellie’s expression came into view and she followed the girl’s eyes. There in a ditch, lay skeletal remains. If you reconstructed them, they probably made up about a dozen people.

“About a week after Outbreak Day, soldiers…” Joel started to explain to Ellie, “Went through the countryside, evacuated the small towns. Told you you were going to a QZ, and you were…if there was room…if there wasn’t…”

“These people weren’t sick?” Ellie inquired.

“No,” Joel replied, “Probably not.”

“Why kill them?” Ellie continued, “Why not just leave ‘em be?”

“It was their fucked up way of trying to contain the infection,” Y/n spoke up, trying to hide her trembling breath. It wasn’t the first open grave she’d seen, this was one of the easier ones to stomach. This was all bones.

Y/n turned on her heel, eager to get as far away from the hellish memories as she could.

————————————

Eventually, they made it to where Joel told them Bill and Frank lived. It was a small chunk of a town completely gated by a tall fence.

“Stay here,” Joel instructed Y/n and Ellie before punching in the entry code on the gate’s keypad. He let them go through first, it was the only place safe enough to do so.

Y/n’s breath caught in her chest, it was the first time she’d seen an actual town in…she’d lost count of the years. The white picket fences, the boutique shops, the houses. Actual houses. It nearly brought tears to her eyes, it reminded her so much of Austin.

The three of them walked to Bill and Frank’s house, the nicest looking one on the block. Joel took notice, however, that the flowers decorating the front porch were dead. Scorched by the sun. Bill would never let that happen.

He opened the front door, taking cautious steps into the entryway. Y/n and Ellie followed close behind.

“What the fuck,” Ellie elongated, it was probably her first time inside an actual house.

“Bill?” Joel called out. No answer. “Frank?” Nothing.

Shit.

“You stay there,” Joel directed Ellie, not looking Y/n’s way since she was going to do what she wanted anyway, “Ya hear anything, you see anything…yell.”

Joel and Y/n didn’t make it more than one step before Ellie spoke up, “What if they’re gone?”

No. Joel couldn’t think about that. He didn’t want to grieve over one more person.

Y/n set off down the hallway, keeping her pistol drawn at her side. Joel had gone through the kitchen, but the two rooms were connected. They made it to the bedroom door at the same time, Joel knocking and jiggling the knob. Nothing.

“Would they leave?” Y/n asked.

“No,” Joel shook his head.

The back porch door shutting got their attention.

“Ellie?” Y/n called, getting nothing in return. She set off back to the dining room where they’d left her, Joel just a step behind.

She was sitting at the table holding a piece of paper. Her expression was undeterminable, like she was between emotions and deciding which one to land on.

“It’s from Bill,” she finally told them.

Y/n sighed, holstering her gun, taking off her backpack and settling into a chair between Joel and Ellie. Joel put away his weapon too, neither of them needed to pretend there was any hope.

Ellie scanned the envelope the letter had come from, “‘To whomever…but probably Joel,’” she tossed it back onto the table, “I figured I fell under “whomever.” It came with this.”

She slid a single car key across the table.

Joel shrugged his backpack off next to Y/n’s, but wouldn’t sit. “So they’re dead?”

“Mm-hmm,” Ellie hummed.

Joel turned away, the very little emotion he let himself feel coming to the surface.

“You-you wanna?” Ellie offered.

He shook his head, “Go ahead. You do it.”

Y/n leaned against her knees, holding her hands to her lips, bracing herself.

“August 29th, 2023,” Ellie began to read, “If you find this…please do not come into the bedroom. We left a window open so the house wouldn’t smell, but it will probably be a sight. I’m guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would’ve been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Hehehehehehe-“

Ellie looked up in confusion, Y/n gave a small nod for her to continue.

“Take anything you need,” she kept going, “The bunker code is the gate code but in reverse. Anyway…I never liked you, but still, it’s like we’re friends, almost…And I respect you. So, I’m gonna tell you something because you’re probably the only person who will understand. I used to hate the world and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong, because there was one person worth saving. That’s what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him. That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do, and God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way. I leave you all of my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep-“

Ellie sucked her bottom lip, not knowing how to proceed. None of them had to ask what the next two words were.

Joel stepped forward robotically and took the letter, reading the rest over silently. Tess’ name struck a blow to his body, he wanted to curl in on himself.

“Stay here,” he mumbled, striding towards the front door with barely contained hurry.

Y/n shut her eyes, keeping her hands in a praying position. It was the first time in twenty years she couldn’t tap into the anger that lived inside her. She felt pure sorrow that Joel had to lose someone else he loved, regardless of whether he’d ever admit to loving Tess.

Outside, Joel took deep breaths that at one time would have been described as cleansing. But he felt no better when he inhaled than he had before. Bill’s letter weren’t just his last wishes, it was a call to action. He couldn’t have known the situation Joel was in when he wrote it, but he supernaturally addressed every part of it. He lifted up a silent apology to Tess, for not being able to save her.

Joel crumpled the letter in his palms and let it drop to the grass. He held up the key Bill had left him, forcing himself to move to the garage doors and open them.

Y/n and Ellie sat up straighter upon hearing the noise. “Stay here,” Y/n echoed Joel, rising up and heading out to see what he was doing.

She walked around to the open garage doors to see Joel hunched over the front of a truck. The hood was open and he was investigating its internal organs. Y/n had barely caught a glance at the empty spot where the battery should have been before Joel slammed it shut. There went that happy thought…

Joel’s eye caught the refrigerator nearby, a couple cans of oil and other auto supplies sitting on top of it. Bill had been a survivalist, it was his nature to prepare for every possible outcome. He crossed the space and opened the fridge, spotting the materials needed to construct a car battery from scratch

He smirked, maybe they had been friends…

Y/n joined him at the door, she was no mechanic but the men throughout her life, Joel and Tommy included, had taught her enough about car repair to know they were battery parts. A spark of hope lit inside her.

It dwindled in both her and Joel when the reality of what it meant hit them.

Y/n suddenly felt too close to him, she moved away and crossed her arms, going to stand on the furthest side of the truck. Joel didn’t move until she stopped, coming to stand on the other side of the vehicle. They wanted a proper barricade between them.

Y/n had made a promise to Tess that she would protect both Ellie and Joel. In the moment, it had seemed like the only honorable thing to do. Now, staring down the task itself, she wanted to admit her selfishness and run. Run back to the QZ, back to the Fireflies, back to the only semblance of safety she had. And with every turn she made in her mind, Ellie was waiting for her. Ellie was at the center of this all. She was the job. Everything else came second.

“If we do this,” Y/n started, her words slowly and cautiously calculated, “You are going to have to start treating me like an equal. I am not some delicate flower that you need to protect and I’m not some child in need of protection. We’ve already got one of those. I live in the same world you do. I didn’t hesitate to kill that Clicker,” she pointed behind them as if the monster’s carcass was present, “And I won’t hesitate going forward.”

Joel looked up at her out his eyebrows, “Can you blame me, last time I knew you?”

“We don’t need to keep bringing us up,” Y/n shook her head, a joyless smile on her face, “We are completely different people. Matter of fact, think of us as strangers. We only know each other from this point forward.”

Joel thought it over a second, accepting the truth of it. “Okay,” he said, “But you have to trust me that I know the best way to get to Wyoming-“

“I don’t trust you,” Y/n retorted.

“I don’t trust you either,” he echoed, bitterness rising to both their surfaces.

Y/n bit down on her bottom lip, if this was going to work, they needed to put away all of their past. Not just the good parts.

“We have to put this on ice,” she said, “What matters…is her. That is all that matters. Not us, not what happened…her.”

Joel’s thumb twitched against the hood of the truck. There were many questions he’d been wanting to ask Y/n, but there was one that was non-negotiable if he was going to take on this task with her

“Do you actually believe that she’s the answer to this?”

Y/n’s face softened, only slightly, but enough for Joel to see the gleam hope in her eyes. “I do,” she replied, earnestly.

Joel breathed a heavy sigh, looking down at the truck. He glanced back up at Y/n, scanning her up and down as if to take full stock of the woman she was now. “Okay.”

Y/n nodded, her body alight with apprehension. “Okay.”

A ceasefire had been called.

“I’ll start on the battery,” Joel announced, eager to get away from the conversation as quick as he could, “Can you do a once over on this thing?”

“Yeah,” she answered, forcing past the hurdle that was doing something Joel asked of her.

They worked in silence, Y/n checking that the car was in working condition and Joel constructing their battery. It was the first time they’d been able to tolerate each other’s presence in the last two days.

After a half hour, when Y/n was long past done, Joel stepped back and examined his work. “It’s gotta charge for a while,” he announced, “But it’ll work.”

“Okay,” Y/n sighed, glancing over at him before heading back out the garage. Joel was close behind.

They came back into the house, finding Ellie waiting for them at the table still.

“Show me your arm,” Joel ordered, he needed to be 100% certain that she was safe to transport.

Ellie stood and rolled up her sleeve, the second bite still had blood caked around it, but it was clearly healing. They had no reason to doubt it would continue that way.

“I just finished makin’ a truck battery,” Joel said, “It’s charging right now.”

“Okay,” Ellie replied, her face showing a hint of hope.

“And I have a brother in Wyoming,” Joel continued, “He’s in some kinda trouble, and I’m heading out there to find him. He used to be a Firefly. And my guess is he knows where some of ‘em are out there. Maybe they can get you two to wherever this lab is.”

Ellie’s eyes bounced between Y/n and Joel, “All right. Uh,” she began to fiddle with her hand, “Listen, about Tess-“

Joel held up a hand, he took a second to collect himself before speaking. “If I’m takin’ you with me, there’s some rules you gotta follow. Rule one, you don’t bring up Tess. Ever. Matter of fact, we can just keep our histories to ourselves.”

Y/n made a mental note of where Joel was emotionally.

“Rule two, you don’t tell anyone about your…condition,” Joel focused his eyes on Ellie, trying to drive the point home, “They see that bite mark, they won’t think it through. They’ll just shoot you. Rule three,” he pointed between him and Y/n, “You do what we say, when we say it. We clear?”

“Yes,” Ellie answered.

“Repeat it,” Joel demanded.

Ellie took a breath, “What you say goes,” she looked between the two adults once more, “Are you two gonna be able to get along?”

Joel glanced over his shoulder at Y/n, who was leaned up against the door frame. She had her hands tucked behind her as if she was trying to make herself as small as possible. They communicated their truce with their eyes.

“We’ll be fine,” Y/n said to Ellie, maybe saying it would make it so…

Joel sighed, it felt like he was signing on a metaphorical dotted line. “Okay,” he finally said.

The three of them stood in the dining room, all with their own separate reservations but with no choice in the matter. They needed each other, even if no one dared to admit it.

“So what now?” Ellie broke the silence.

“We grab what we can,” Joel responded, “Let’s check the bunker first.”

He brushed past Y/n, who followed with Ellie in tow, and located the hidden entrance to Bill’s bunker. Joel climbed down the ladder first into the pitch black room. Flipping on the lights revealed walls of canned goods, guns, supplies, various tools and first aid kits. In the middle lay a desk setup with a laptop playing music and monitor screens showing footage of outside the house.

“Ho-ly shit,” Ellie said for both her and Y/n, “This guy was a genius.”

“Little bit,” Y/n added, scanning the walls, “Back then, everyone called people like him crazy. I’m guessing he was okay with it.”

Joel went to work at the computer, switching off the song.

“Why was the music on?” Ellie asked.

“If he didn’t reset the countdown every few weeks,” Joel explained, “This playlist would run over the radio.”

Ellie glanced over the screen, assured now of her theory from the day before about Joel’s radio codes. “‘80s.”

Joel didn’t really care anymore, “Grab some cans from over there. Nothin’ dented or swollen.”

Ellie wasn’t so easily distracted, she was still gazing at the guns. “Dude,” she started to draft another pitch.

“No,” he replied without even looking up at her.

“There’s a whole wall of them,” she declared, as if that made a difference.

Joel shot her a glare, signaling there was no discussion to be had. Searching Y/n out again and receiving a frown in response, Ellie backed off and went to collect the canned goods.

Y/n traced her fingers across the wall of guns. She doubted her pistol was going to get them very far. It had taken an assault rifle and an axe just to kill the Clicker that had attacked them.

She loathed to ask Joel for help, but she was good at shooting, not specs. “Which one takes the most basic ammo?”

Joel peered up from the monitor screens, the sight of her standing amongst so many weapons was still a little shocking. “That beige and black one,” he nodded in her direction, “Standard shotgun.”

Y/n nodded once in awkward thanks and removed the gun from the wall, testing the weight and feel of it. She crossed the room to one of Bill’s work tables and took a box of bullets, stuffing it in her jacket pocket.

“I’m gonna start upstairs,” she announced, strapping the shotgun over her back and climbing up the ladder.

The three of them worked around the house, collecting any and all supplies they could possibly need. Ellie found toilet paper, Y/n found some unopened dry goods, Joel found clothes for them. It was strange to think that once upon a time, desires had felt like essentials. A new TV, concert tickets, expensive wine…Y/n felt like she was seeing heaven when Joel pulled out a box of women’s t-shirts.

Joel monitored the battery closely, it wasn’t charging as fast as he wanted it to. “Needs another hour,” he told them.

“They have hot water!” Ellie exclaimed, soaking her hand under the garage’s running faucet, “I’m takin’ a shower. And then you’re showering, because seriously,” she turned to Joel and scowled as he headed back to the house.

Joel stopped what he was doing, unsure of how to respond. “I smell that bad?”

Y/n was sorting through some shelves, collecting a few tools they could take with them for the truck. “I’m not even answering that,” she replied.

Joel took what he could from her answer. “You take the next one,” he offered, trying to put his money where he mouth was and bench their grudge.

“Should I be offended?” Y/n fired back, raising one eyebrow. “Thank you,” she finally said.

Joel gave a nod in reply before getting back to work.

Y/n eventually headed inside to wait for Ellie to be done. The girl emerged with wet hair in fresh clothes.

“That felt so good,” she groaned in happiness as she passed Y/n in the hall.

“I bet,” Y/n smiled, “There extra towels in there?”

“Yep,” Ellie called, she was already halfway down the stairs, passing Joel as she descended.

If Y/n and Joel had dodged any awkwardness in the past 48 hours, it had boomeranged back around and slammed into them. They stood in the hall, keeping three feet of space between them and struggled for words.

“I’ll be quick,” Y/n said finally, heading into the bedroom that connected to the bathroom.

“Sure,” Joel replied, fiddling with his fist at his side.

Showers were one thing that no one ever took for granted anymore. Water supply in the QZ wasn’t consistent, one day you could have warm water and the next it’d be ice cold. You couldn’t count on anything to stay the same. So when Y/n had complete control of the temperature and made it burning hot, she felt like she could cry from pure joy.

Joel stood outside the bedroom door, leaned up against the wall. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Sweet images of early mornings with Y/n stormed past his defenses, flooding his brain. How she looked with wet hair, the smell of her skin after using some soap he couldn’t remember the name of…he tried to ignore the fact that it was all on the other side of the door.

Y/n emerged from the shower a few minutes later, having gotten all the dirt out of her hair and nails, and wrapped a threadbare towel around her torso. She quickly dried off and changed into the new clothes Joel had found them. It was a plain t-shirt, a men’s button up to go over it and a plain pair of jeans. Gone were the days of dressing up because you felt like it. It was a stupid thing to miss, but Y/n felt the loss regardless.

Dressed, she opened the bathroom door. The sound signaled that Joel could come in.

He came around the corner, having just put his memories to bed when he saw her. Pruny, barefaced and natural…the way he’d always loved her.

“All yours,” Y/n muttered, unable to break the eye contact they held.

Joel cleared his throat and his mind, “Thanks.”

“I’m just gonna be here,” Y/n gestured to the dresser and the attached mirror, “Try and get a comb through my hair.”

“Okay,” Joel nodded.

He walked past her, their shoulders brushing as he did, and closed the bathroom door behind him. It was the first time they’d touched in twenty years.

Now anger was rarely ever born from just anger. No one hated someone just to hate them. There was always something deeper beneath it. More often than not, anger found a companion in heartbreak. They’d collide, morphing together to make something so complicated, you couldn’t tell one apart from the other.

Y/n reached for a spare comb, her trembling hands causing her hair to catch in the teeth. Harboring the anger had been effortless, it was a fire that stoked itself. It was the pain, the flame that started the blaze, that was causing her to feel like she was burning, from the inside out.

The tears welled in her eyes, she refused to let them fall until her reflection was nothing but a blur. She dropped the comb on the dresser, and fell back onto the bed. It could no longer be contained.

Joel had broken her, destroyed her. The loss of him was a hurt that had refused to fade with time. She could feel her heart splitting back open just being around him, the same way it had the day that they’d parted. She wanted to scream, to cry, to break the way she had after he’d left. With the simple act of calling a truce and playing nice, she had reopened the wound she had spent twenty years trying to heal with her unbridled bitterness. She was bleeding out.

On the other side of the door, Joel was propped up against the shower with one hand. Rivulets of the stream dripped down his hair and face. He stared down at the drain, his emotions mixing and swirling much like the water at his feet. Joel had never considered himself particularly favored by the world. There were only two times when he’d felt like there was some higher power bestowing happiness upon his unworthy head.

The first was when Sarah was born, when he got to hold her for the first time.

The second was when Y/n entered his life.

Now her mere presence felt like a punishment. A reminder of what he’d done to her, a child’s taunt of a love he could never go back to. Knowing she was on the other side of the wall caused every muscle in his body to tense. Joel was still himself, regardless of what the pandemic had turned him into. The guilt he’d long tried to drown was rising to the surface, threatening to rebel and throw him underwater. Mixed with the fresh loss of Tess, he was overwhelmed. If he didn’t keep repeating the same three things to himself, she lied, she’s a liar, she’ll lie again, he would collapse entirely.

Y/n sniffled, rubbing her fingers under her eyes in a desperate attempt to stop her tears. She was so tired of crying over Joel. She wished for blind hatred, not the memory of his smile. Bitter regret, not the ghost of his lips. She couldn’t take another time of looking into his eyes and seeing the man she had loved with her whole heart.

Had they known that with a mere twelve feet of space and one shoddy door between them, it still wouldn’t have changed anything. Their chapter was over.

Needing distance, Y/n got off the bed and combed her hair as she walked down the stairs. She found Ellie seated in the front room at the piano.

Ellie turned to her and smiled, “Well, that’s an improvement.”

Y/n bristled, “Be nice to me. I am keeping you alive, after all.”

Ellie hummed as if that was up for debate and turned back to the piano, “You ever learn to play one of these?”

“A little,” Y/n replied, coming to join her, “I played as a kid, not as much when I was an adult.”

“You wanna play something?” Ellie suggested, it didn’t feel like it was for Y/n’s benefit so much as her own.

Y/n motioned for Ellie to make room and settled in next to the girl. It had been over twenty years since she’d felt ivory beneath her fingers, and this one was a beautiful model. She wracked her brain for songs where all the chords were still intact.

She placed her hands accordingly, pressing down on the first keys.

“Slow down, you crazy child,” she softly sang, “You’re so ambitious for a juvenile. But then if you’re so smart, tell me, why are you still so afraid?”

“You can fucking sing?” Ellie cried excitedly.

“Where's the fire, what's the hurry about,” Y/n kept going, “You'd better cool it off before you burn it out. You've got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.”

Ellie swayed a little, taking in the curiosity of the person she hardly knew, yet liked better than anyone. She couldn’t help herself from sneaking a finger onto a key and quickly pressing down.

“Don’t mess me up,” Y/n laughed as she continued to play, “But you know that when the truth is told, that you can get what you want, or you can just get old.”

Joel had just pushed his wet hair back and buttoned up his shirt he’d found. Renewed by the hot water, he grabbed the stick of deodorant he’d used and left the bathroom. The music and it’s sweet accompaniment drifted through the bedroom door, hitting Joel and rendering him breathless for a moment. All he could feel was her, wrapping her arms around him with each word.

Ellie continued to hit random keys at inopportune times, Y/n’s knocked her shoulder against hers.

“You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through,” Y/n crooned, her grin causing her to enunciate differently.

Joel quietly made his way down the stairs, feeling his body unnaturally relax with each note Y/n sang. Her voice hadn’t changed at all.

“When will you realize,” Y/n did a little flourish with the keys, leaving Ellie no room to mess with the melody, “Vienna waits for you.”

When she removed her hands, Ellie clapped and whooped. The mood had been so dark since the day of the shootout, it felt like a single ray of light was shining down on them.

Joel watched her sing the last line from the hall, it was like his memories had come to life right in front of him. How hard was it to bury the past when it was everywhere you looked?

Ellie turned around and saw Joel, “Well, don’t you look pretty.”

Y/n rotated on the bench and faced Joel. It was unfair that he seemed to be getting more handsome with age. With his hair slicked back and his plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows, it stirred up a singular butterfly in her stomach. She was quick to put it down.

Joel’s eyes flashed to Y/n before catching himself and looking back to Ellie, “Shut up.”

He tossed her the deodorant. “Nice,” she commented, swiping it on before handing it to Y/n. “Hey,” she trailed after Joel, “Did you know Y/n can sing?”

Y/n snorted as she used the antiperspirant. Ellie was the only thing keeping her spirits up on the trip. Everything else hurt, but the young girl’s joy acted as a balm.

Joel went back out to the garage to confirm the battery was charged up. He installed it quickly and headed back into the house. “We’re good to go,” he announced, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

Ellie and Y/n grabbed their jackets and bags, the three of them filed out of the house in hopeful silence. They shoved their things in the back seat of the truck, leaving one side clutter-free.

“Why don’t you take the front?” Y/n suggested to Ellie, already climbing in the back.

Ellie jumped into the passenger side, a toothy grin spread across her face as she started fiddling with the foldout mirror.

“It’s your first time in a car?” Joel asked from beside her, not the slightest bit amused.

“It’s like a spaceship,” Ellie said wondrously.

“No, it’s like a shit piece of Chevy S10,” Joel grumbled, “But it’ll get us there…I think. Seatbelt.”

Ellie glanced up from playing with the radio dials, confused.

Undeniably in sync with each other, Y/n reached through the gap between Ellie’s seat and the window as Joel reached over the girl and pulled the belt over her body. “Seatbelt,” Joel repeated.

Ellie took it from him and clicked it into place, “So cool…”

Y/n watched from over their shoulders. It wasn’t lost on her how it had taken no time for Joel to start acting like a parent again.

Joel started up the car as Ellie dug through the glove compartment. She held something up to Joel that Y/n couldn’t see.

“Put it back…” Joel directed, “Ellie…”

Ellie ignored him, popping in the cassette tape and hitting play. Soft guitar rang through the truck’s speaker system. Ellie was about to skip the song when Joel and Y/n piped up at the same time.

“No, no, wait-“

“No, leave it.”

Their words collided, surprising them both. It was the first thing they’d agreed on.

“This is good,” Joel said as he made a turn, “This is Linda Ronstadt. Do you know who Linda Ronstadt is?”

“You know I don’t know who Linda Ronstadt is,” Ellie rolled her eyes.

Y/n smirked from the back seat before the nostalgia washed over her again. The song had been a favorite of hers for decades, but there was one night in particular she distinctly remembered playing it on.

Joel drove down the path that led to the gate, letting the song fill the cracks of him left by all the beauty disappearing from the world. There was still a musician living inside him. “Oh, man…” he muttered.

In the rear view mirror, Y/n and Joel’s eyes flickered to one another. The second their gazes connected, they diverted them back to the road. In their minds, they were back in Y/n’s shitty apartment, leaving for their first date.

“Eh,” Ellie remarked, “It’s better than nothing.”

Y/n couldn’t contain the chuckle that bubbled from her lips, nor could Joel hide his flash of a smile. She was going to make them both feel ancient before their journey was over.

Joel pressed the gate code on the remote Bill had left in the garage, the gate opening for them like the parting of the Red Sea. Even he, in all his jadedness, felt some sort of hope.

Y/n settled against the window, taking one last look at the town Bill and Frank had kept up over the years. Their legacy was one not of sadness, but of renewal. They had supplied her, Joel and Ellie with the resources to go forward with their journey. They were helping them in their mission to change the world. It was a kindness she’d never get to thank them for, but she’d certainly never forget.

They drove into the sunset, golden hour embracing them and welcoming them onto the open road. Maybe, just maybe, this was the turning point for them…

————

A/N: Just an FYI, we hit the 50 mentions limit so the taglist will be split between the post and the comments :)

TYL Taglist: @bachiracore @stolenxkissess @kayleezra @the-wistful-reader @allthesesonsofbitches @goth-detectives365 @trippovert @rh1nestonecowg1rl @emiliaserpe @khaleesihavilliard @frietiemeloen @gracie7209 @dorck26 @thegirlnextdoorssister @alanis-altair @mariwinns16 @whosscruffylooking @endofthexline @alexiaricciardo @eonnyx @pedrosmexicangf @scarlettequinn @ao-sleepy @toinfinityandbeyonce2 @deanlovescassie @turmoil-ash @sorrowjunky @kpopslur @xxlilyxx90 @midgetpottermills @presidential-facts @scoopsnini @tubble-wubble @jamesdeerest @burninggracesandbridges @star-wars-lover @lucyhotchner @cococola-cocaine @witheringhqarts @fall-writes @alwaysdjarin @xxmoonn @emilia-the-artist @wand-erer5 @boneyarrd @lizard-zombie @itwasallinmyhead1 @cassidylea123 @paleepeaches @mxltifxnd0m @kettlekatie @ultimate-cinephile @gloryekaterina @caramelkatsukis-bitch @whovianayesha @memeorydotcom @deadunicorn159 @get0ut0fmyr00m @siriuslymooned @emmyeed

[penvisions]

for the record {a joel miller oneshot}

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader, brief F!Reader x F!OC

Summary: The longer, more dangerous patrol routes around Jackson are designated to you and one Joel Miller. You both have an understanding with each other, talking wasn’t the biggest concern for either of you, but being confident in each other was. He wasn’t a bad friend in your scavenged life, but then again you were beginning to think you didn’t want to be just his friend...and that’s got you more than a little sexually frustrated. 

Word Count: 6.3k (idk what happened, y’all)

Warnings: oh lord, okay: implied f/f attraction, implied f/f smut, use of sex toys, masturbation, language, pet names, p in v smut, sexual frustration, pining, mutual pining, reader is a hot mess, no use of y/n

A/N: okay, so this took a wildly different route than i anticipated? but i kinda like the way it turned out. I’m sure some scenes seem disconnected or the characterization doesn’t flow throughout but i got tired of reading and re-reading the entire thing and said ‘eh, it’s as good as it’ll get’. please let me know what y’all think?

Your hands released the hold they had on the lapels of his shirt, moving lower to rip open the snap buttons on his shirt to expose the top of his chest. He didn’t give you the chance to explore as he took your hands in his own and guided them to feel the hard length of him through his jeans. “This what you wanted, what had you so goddamn irritable all those weeks before?” He taunted in your ear, his warm breath on the side of your neck sending shivers down your spine. He twitched underneath your hands, and you felt your underwear dampen even more.

ao3 link || main masterlist 

“Ngh, it’s not working.” You whined pathetically, your body shaking on the bed. You were on your knees, face down on your pillows and turned to the side as your hands reached back to hold a pulsing toy to your center. The tingles you were feeling were almost what you wanted but they were weak, not building just fleeting jolts of pleasure teasing you. You felt like a fool with your ass canted in the air, knees spread to give you easier access to your folds, the toy gripped too tight in your hand. With a huff you let yourself crumple to the bed, the sheets making weird lumps underneath your form where it was bunched up from your fidgeting.

Your morning was not going the way you wanted at all…

-

“Would you shut up.” You couldn’t help the sharpness of your voice. You were so frustrated, everything getting on your nerves. Joel hadn’t meant to push you buttons but he just was. He was a decent friend, though he could be a better one to some people, to his family. He looked up from where he was tethering his horse to the post outside the barn. His gruff, no nonsense attitude getting on your nerves all throughout the day despite normally being able to work with the man. His offhand remark about needing to get home soon and the way he nearly rushed ahead of you with his horse finally being the last straw. As if he was the only one who had shit to do with the rest of his day.

He looked up from the worn leather in his hands to see you tying off your own horse before going over to the woman who watched over the horses with measured steps. He wasn’t sure what he said to illicit such words from you but he didn’t let them get to him, he could ignore you just as you had ignored him most of the day. It was a mutual clashing of gruff nature that happened from time to time.

The woman was listening to you talk about how you were worried about Peaches having stumbled over some rocks in the river you passed over on your patrol, suddenly nice and friendly after being surly and quiet the entire route. The woman was watching the way you brushed your hand over the neck of the horse, running your fingers through the mane to work out the tangles.

Joel took in the way your hands lingered over hers when she offered you a brush to work the bigger knots out. The bloom of color on the woman’s face had him looking to your face where a small, knowing smile had graced your lips. You leaned closer to her, bringing her had with the brush to where your other one was tangled in the horses mane, “There’s some tension right about….here.”

Joel was mesmerized by the way you were interacting with her, he had never seen you so forward. The flustered giggle from the woman who had your attention that sounded in the air was a good enough sign to shove off. The heat in your eyes another as he glanced at you one last time was another. He was struck by the way his mind supplied the word beautiful as he took in the way you filled out your tight jeans and simple white tank top, allowing for your tan to be seen by anyone around. Your hair was mused from beneath that damn wide brimmed hat you wore to keep the sun out of your face on patrol, the deep green of it looking good paired with your long curls pulled into a braid.

He walked off, trying not to let his gaze rove over you in a way that could be described as lingering.

A few hours later, after his shower and a small nap, as he sat on his porch with a cup of coffee. He was enjoying the quiet of the waning day, the sun beginning its descent toward the horizon when your front door opened just a few yards away. The woman from the stables lingered on the porch, her hands in her pockets as she spoke in a hushed tone. You were barely visible from his vantage, though he could see an arm leaning against the frame of the door and your long locks loose as you nodded before saying something that had the other girl blushing bright red before leaving. Once she was down the street and out of view you moved to sit in one of the chairs you had out on the porch.

You ran your hands roughly down your face, a deep sigh falling from your lips. You knew you should go back inside and put proper clothes on if you were going to be out here, anyone could walk by and see you in your sleep shorts and the bralette you had worn underneath your tank top earlier. Bruises from the day littered your skin, two newer ones blossomed red on your collarbone: a telltale sign of how you spent your afternoon.

You had managed to make sure one of you had a good time, the girl too inexperienced to return the favor. But she had been such a pretty little mess begging for your touch that it hadn’t been a complete failure. The pleasure from spending a few hours in bed with the woman simmered just beneath your skin, the breeze sweeping through the valley Jackson resided in bringing goosebumps out on your limbs.

You felt eyes on your form, and you turned to look at the house to your left, the one on the right had yet to be assigned to anyone. And of course, it was Joel Miller out on his porch, staring right at you. His hair was tousled from sleep, a lax air about him as he seemed to still be getting his bearings after his slumber.

He was in a t-shirt and sweatpants, the shirt trying its best to contain his arms as he cradled a steaming mug in his large hands. Not breaking eye contact, he brought the mug up to take a sip, his lips curling over the porcelain and catching your eye. You watched the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as he lowered the mug to rest on a knee, his tongue peaking out to catch an errant drop of whatever he was drinking.

Before you could even register it, you were up out of your chair and making your way down the three steps to your porch. A bare foot had just stepped into the grass when the small figure of Ellie popped through the front door, a holler about dinner being ready loud from her as she brandished a wooden spoon at Joel. He tore his eyes from you, all his attention focused on his daughter as he stood.

Your eyes watched as he did so, the sweatpants doing either the devil or god’s work you weren’t sure. The thick fabric made his figure look broad, his thighs strong as he stood, the waistband was low on his hips. But it was the unmistakable bulge you had seen as he stood up that had made your mouth go dry and your skin buzz. With an embarrassed huff you turned on your heel and ran back into the safety of your house.

You could not believe you had just been about to jump Joel Miller. The man had been minding his own business on his own porch. In broad daylight. You needed to handle this, it was getting out of hand.

“Do you mind giving Joel a hand today? He needs-“ Tommy approached your spot in the dining hall, mug of steaming coffee in his hand and a loaded plate that he placed beside you.

“I do.” You cut off the chipper looking younger Miller man, not meaning to sound so mean towards him.

“Uh, well, I can’t help him today and-“

“Tommy, I can’t work with him today. You had me with him on patrol yesterday.”

“Did y’all get into a fight or somethin’? You’re normally so willing to help around where it’s needed and you two get along better than most.” He set down the fork he was using to eat with beside his plate before giving you his full, concerned attention. It was breakfast time in the dining hall, you had just walked in to get a couple fruits before disappearing for the day but had decided to sit at the absence of a particular older man.

“Just need the day to myself.”

“….everything okay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You’ve just been…a little short with everyone lately.”

“Everything’s fine.” You stood abruptly as you spied a broad figure making its way to you and Tommy, not even thinking about how you hadn’t even touched your own plate yet. You scrambled over the bench seat and took off out the door before Joel even set his plate down on the other side of the table.

“Well, alright then.” He huffed as he settled in for his meal.

“What’d you do?”

“What the hell are you goin’ on about? I didn’t do a damn thing to that woman.”

Tommy watched his brother over his mug, bringing it up to take a sip from it. He watched the way Joel turned to watch your form disappear through the front door. Brows furrowed and a frown settling in place.

“She didn’t even let me finish asking her to help you out today before she was sayin’ no and then she saw you comin’ this way and took off. Something happen on patrol?”

“She was huffin’ and puffin’ all day but seemed fine once we were back in town. Chatted up the girl at the stables just fine.”

Tommy took a bite of his food, pensive. Joel stabbed his fork into his own food, it was way too early in the day to be dealing with whatever was going on you.

Neither brother saw you for a few days. You had traded the rest of the week’s patrols you’d been assigned in exchange for the coffee you hoarded in your cabinet. People willing to make the trade even if you didn’t give them reason as to why. You had holed up in your room, taken root in your bed and just wallowed. You were fully aware of how pathetic the whole situation was. But you couldn’t face Joel or the nice girl, Stella, from the stables.

The patrol this morning was early, early enough to avoid one of the people you were avoiding. Unfortunately, the trek to Teton village was one that select people were allotted. It was an overnight one, the longest and one of the most dangerous. You and Joel being the only people without time restrictions due to other responsibilities around the town. You were just finishing up saddling up the two horses and led them outside as Joel approached. As he made his way down the street, you mounted up, ready to get the day started. If he was surprised to see you or that you had done up his horse for him, he didn’t show it as he took the reigns you held out to him.

He nodded at you, his fingers brushing up against your own as he did so. You pulled your hand back as if you had been burned and clicked to get your horse moving.

“Hey, just wanted to check in with ya,” Joel looked over his shoulder toward you, your horse was trailing behind his. The morning was quiet, the sun had risen completely and the forest was quiet. “Normally you’ve gone on about somethin’ or other by now but you’ve been sulking. Somethin’ wrong?”

“Just don’t feel good.” Was your gruff answer, unwilling to entertain conversation. You didn’t know why he was so concerned, somedays it was just like this. Either he had too much on his mind or you did and there was an understanding about it. You didn’t expect him to direct his horse to stop, making you do the same. He turned a bit more to face you in his saddle, brows furrowed in worry. His big brown eyes held a little too much emotion as he gazed at you. Your body deciding to take whatever it could from him, and you felt yourself get slick at his attention.

“You can tell me what it is, maybe I can-“

“It’s girl stuff, leave me alone.” You clicked to signal your horse into movement, going around him and continuing on your way. You shifted in the saddle, the friction of the seam of your jeans making you feel a little crazed and you tried to adjust.

The rest of the ride up to the cabin had been going okay… until a group of four raiders has decided to ambush you and Joel. It had been a quiet moment, just trekking through the woods when a shot rang out and your horse began bucking. You had tried to keep balance, but the creature was hurt and panicked. When you had tried to climb down you had been tossed a bit. You hadn’t been off the horse for a second before two men had come out from the trees and grabbed you, two more going for Joel on his horse. You had tried not to scream, but you were positive terror had taken over you as their hands had gripped you in places they had no business touching under the guise of retraining you.

He had killed every one of them, in such a quick and efficient way. His chest had been heaving with his actions, arms roped in veins where you could see the skin of his forearms, his hands clutched tight over the handle of a blade and a gun. His hair had gotten wild, waves that would surely turn into curls if it were longer in disarray from someone trying to choke him out. There was blood splatter along his neck and up on his cheek and you practically flinched when he placed the weapons back where they belonged on his person and leaned down a bit to reach a hand to you.

“Don’t- don’t touch me.” You stuttered as you backed up, palms up to keep him at bay. You were past anger and frustration, it was only ever going to get you so far. You were feeling desperation crawl like ice through your veins. The only thing that would bring warmth back to you was his touch, but it would light a fire in you that you weren’t sure you were strong enough to fight off.

“What are you goin’ on about? You afraid of me now?” He stayed where he was but brought his hand back to rest on his hip. “You seen me in action before.”

Maybe it was the way his eyes were dark in the shade of the tree canopy or the thrill of having taken out a threat. Maybe it was the way he always looked so goddamn good up on a horse, his thick thighs looking strong and sturdy as he guided the animal across the terrain. Maybe it was the way he was standing, one leg slightly popped out, hands on his hips and head canted down to gaze at you, an eyebrow raised in a slightly teasing manner.

Maybe it was the way you were on the ground, hands holding you up as your legs were spread out before you from your fall. Chest pushed out slightly from your shoulders holding you up, heaving as you tried to catch your breath. You felt desire hot in your entire body as you stared up at his broad form, his shadow falling over you. You licked your lips and were about to tell him off again but something flared in his eyes and-

“I’m not afraid of you, I wanna fuck you!” The words rushed out of your mouth before you could even think.

Joel didn’t say anything, he just continued to stare at you. You were sure your face was flushed a deep crimson; it was certainly burning enough to be. Your skin was alight, your entire body humming as the words had crawled their way from where they had dug themselves deep in your middle, had been consuming you from the inside out. They had been fleeting before but decided to make you their new home and filled every nook and cranny of your body, not giving you a moment of rest since they had solidified. You don’t know how long they had been forming but you didn’t really want to find out how long they had been whispering over your skin, your mind.

When he finally moved, you flinched. Even though he walked away from you and mounted his horse, your body pressed further into the dirt. He didn’t so much as glance at you as he guided his horse back the way you had just come, abandoning the rest of the patrol as he headed back toward town.

“Where the fuck have you been?!” Tommy’s voice was booming as the man descended from where he had been keeping watch atop the gate as you entered through back into the safety of town. “I’ve been waiting for you all fuckin’ day since my dumbass brother got back! He made it seem like the raiders got you.”

You were quiet, gently walking beside the injured horse and guiding it back to the stables. You felt completely rejected. You had been left on the fucking ground after being ambushed. Injured in more ways that just physical, you ignored the frantic panic of the man following after you, demanding answers from you. And you knew it was petty, you knew it was unprofessional, but you couldn’t help it. You were shutting down, back to how you had been when you first arrived. It was better to be alone. You’d learned your lesson.

“Are you gonna answer me? You both broke protocol and scared the shit out of everyone! Please just say something, anything!”

“Finished patrol. Ran into raiders two miles from the cabin. Your brother got injured and turned back. I cleared the cabin, there were a few infected. Took longer traveling because Peaches is injured. I’ll fill out a report.”

“He said you got thrown off your horse and they dragged you away. Said he tried everything but had to come back.”

“If that’s what he said happened, then that’s what happened.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Your brother is a piece of fucking work, do not put me with him again. So help me, I’ll pack up and leave if you make me work with him in any capacity from here on out.”

You could tell your harsh words stunned him; he had stopped in his efforts to follow your gaited movements. You continued on to the stables. You explained in clipped words to Stella what had happened to Peaches, ignoring the way her eyes were lingering on you and her hands kept brushing against your own.

You stalked away from the interaction, legs heavy and your entire back hurting from where you had landed after your sudden dismount. You could tell your whole left side was already bruised, scrapes having bled into the fabric of your flannel and stained it for anyone to see. You pulled your hat lower over your brow when you spotted an all too familiar figure on the porch of the house next to yours.

You felt a heavy gaze follow you as you passed the house and made it up the short walkway to your porch. Your foot faltered as you picked it up to ascend the few steps leading up to your own porch and front door. Your foot didn’t land, the front of your boot collided with the step and your body fell forward.

You couldn’t help the pained yelp that pushed itself from your throat as your back pulled from the effort to throw your hands out to catch yourself.

You don’t know how he managed to close the distance so quickly or why, but Joel was suddenly hovering over you, hands helping to hold you up. His fingers were spread wide to not put too much pressure on any one spot, he had seen the blood and dirt marring you the second the commotion had stopped earlier on the trail.

“Leave me alone.” You pushed his hands from you, ignoring the way they sparked electricity on your skin over where they rested on your shirt. You stood back up, leaning heavily on the railing and practically pulled yourself up the steps.

“Look-“

“I said leave me alone. You made it clear how you feel when you left me on the fucking trail.” You moved as fast as your body would allow you up the steps and through the front door. You slammed it in the pinched face of one Joel Miller without a second thought. You leaned back on it, chest heaving as you realized tears had sprung up once again. A sob wracked your body and you brought your hands up to cover your mouth as more followed.

You didn’t just want him to fuck you. You wanted him.

You were put on different patrol rotations, Tommy taking the longer and more difficult routes you had fallen into with his older brother again. You were paired with younger people, those who were new to patrol, or had less experience and needed to be with someone who could make better decisions. It was easy to go into training mode and give them the run down, tell them the way things need to be done and why. It didn’t give you time or energy to think about anything else. That happened when you were safely back at home in the confines of your room.

Stella, bless her heart, still lingered when it came to you, her smiles quick and her voice chipper. But you just returned her attention with polite smiles and tips of your hat. It was late, the sun dipping down below the horizon as you closed off Peaches pen, who had made a full recovery from a few weeks ago.

While a sigh, you directed your route toward the center of town. You hadn’t been out in weeks, opting to keep to yourself if you weren’t on patrol. The help you had been lending to the Miller brothers and their building had ceased. Neither of them had confronted you, Maria had dropped by a few times to check on you. You had been cordial, offering her coffee it was the morning or dinner if it was the evening. She seemed content to just share the space with you, taking what you could give even if you were quiet or only made small talk concerning those you were training.

A drink sounded nice tonight, maybe a meal you hadn’t made yourself.

An hour later you were pleasantly tipsy and dancing in the arms of one of the younger patrolmen. He had nervously asked if you could teach him some steps to impress the girl he had his eye on and the alcohol in your system had you saying yes before you could think better of it.

A few songs later and you were pulling Stella from where she was at a table with her friends up into your arms and guiding her through some faster steps. She was all giddy laughter, bright smiles, and wandering hands. You leaned in close and murmured apologies to her and asked if she was okay with just being friends, genuinely apologetic for how you had been treating her. With a parting kiss to her cheek, you set her back with her friends and took off toward the door.

You settled on the bench that was a little ways from the door and pulled a rolled cigarette from where it was tucked into the ribbon that wound around the base of your hat. You lit it and took a long drag, unaware of the door opening behind you. You were so lost in thought that you nearly jumped out of your skin when someone plopped down beside you, their knee knocking into your own.

“Jesus Christ.”

“Nah, just me. But you’d think I’d be the devil with the way you been ignoring me”

No. No no no. Not that voice, that deliciously low southern drawl. The cigarette fell from between your fingers, landing on your thigh to burn a hole through the denim and smart your skin.

“Fuck!” You scrambled up, brushing frantically at the singed fabric to get the heat out. The liquor decided at that precise moment to take you over from pleasantly tipsy to uncoordinated tipsy and you stumbled over your feet. You landed hard on your ass, hat falling to the dirt beside you. When you looked up, Joel Miller was staring at you with an amused smile. It was a soft look on him, his eyes glittering in the lights hung up around the square as he looked down from where he remained on the bench.

Embarrassment flared hot over your face, the scene too close to the last time you had really interacted with the man. But this time he wasn’t borderline glaring at you. He was casual, relaxed, surely he was tipsy too. To be interacting with you, to be so easy going with you. You hadn’t seen him in weeks, if he hadn’t been tucking tail to run at the sight of you, you were doing so when you noticed him.

“I’ll walk you home, was callin’ it a night anyway.” He seemed to temper for a moment, brow furrowing as he contemplated his next words. “My entertainment for the night decided it was time for the show to end.”

Your waning flush darkened again, at the insinuation that he had been watching you dance the whole night. You don’t know what compelled you to take his hand when he offered it to you this time, as he stood from the bench and leaned over your still fallen form.

Maybe it was the way he was trying, the way he was talking as if nothing had happened, that you hadn’t totally ruined the tolerance boarding on friendly acquaintance you both had found in each other since day one. Maybe it was the way he picked up your hat and placed it gently back on your head, because he knew how important it was to you. Or the way that his hand was so warm as it clasped over your own.

Maybe it was the way that this is how things went with you, someone did something stupid or fucked up in the heat of the moment and it wasn’t talked about after some time and things went back to being okay.

Maybe it was in the way it seemed he almost missed you, or the way that you certainly had missed him.

“Stubborn girl, let me help you.” His voice had turned husky as he closed you in between his broad chest and the door. His warm hands came up and wrapped around your trembling ones, taking the keys from you with ease. He leaned forward a bit more, his hips connecting with your backside as he unlocked the door. He didn’t turn the knob or go to push it open, just breathing in the scent of honey and vanilla that mingled with the twang of whiskey on your skin.

“It didn’t bother me, what you said.” He seemed hesitant to bring the event of all those weeks ago from the middle of summer to the present. It wasn’t how either of you dealt with things, opting to push things deep down and ignore them until they didn’t really matter in the face of everyday issues. His hands were clenching in a pattern at his sides, his tick for when he was nervous. “For the record.”

“Figured you didn’t want me around because it did bother you, that way you didn’t have to deal with me anymore. You made it clear you don’t feel any way about me.”

“Is that why you been ignorin’ me?” Joel’s smoldering gaze watched as you lifted the hat to rest on a hook by the door, there was something behind his eyes you couldn’t quit make out when you turned back around to face him. “Because that’s not the case and you know it. You’re one of the only people in this town that doesn’t make me feel pushed or pressured to be anything. You let me just be me, even if I’m not the best a lot of the time.”

“Leave me alone,” The same last words you had spit at him all those weeks ago fell from your lips again unbidden. You weren’t even sure if you meant them anymore. But if you repeated them, maybe he would realize you meant the opposite. You didn’t intend for your voice to lilt the way that it did but of course he caught onto it. The way you didn’t deny anything he just confessed to you. It made him feel a little brave, it made him take a step closer to you. You mirrored his movement, your body crowding the back of the couch.

“You weren’t the only one with who was frustrated, darlin’. Had to see you take that poor girl to bed only to get nothin’ out of it.”

A weird whine sounded from you as his words brought the frustration of not being to find release for weeks now back to the forefront of your mind. Your skin buzzing with the intention behind his words.

Maybe it was the liquor in his system or the liquor in yours, but the room became charged almost as if a switch had been flipped now that you both understood the other. Your eyes dilated at the move he had taken toward you, your tongue darting out to wet your bottom lip. He took another step and felt himself harden completely in his jeans as his nerves lit up. You weren’t really telling him to leave, and he really wanted to find out what you tasted like after all this time.

“Well would you look at that, you went from all riled up to whinin’ in two seconds flat.”

“Shu-shut up!”

“Oh darlin’, you’re all bark and no bite right now.” To emphasize his point he leaned over you and placed his hands atop the back of the couch, caging your body between him and the piece of furniture. You didn’t move an inch, every muscle in your body locked up as the heat of him standing so close. The smell of him so close. Your heart hammered in your chest, and you were sure he could hear it in the quiet of your living room if the soft grin on his face was any indication.

Your eyes were trained on his own, the taunting glint you saw had you moving before you even realized.

Your hands shot out to grip the lapels of his damned, snug denim shirt and you pulled him down enough to sink your teeth underneath his jawline. He let out a guttural moan as his hands flew to grip the flare of your hips tight, body pressing into yours and pinning you to the back of the couch from the waist down. You soothed the bite with the flat of your tongue before moving sucking kisses down the column of his throat. Your hands released the hold they had on the lapels of his shirt, moving lower to rip open the snap buttons on his shirt to expose the top of his chest.

He didn’t give you the chance to explore as he took your hands in his own and guided them to feel the hard length of him through his jeans.

“This what you wanted, what had you so goddamn irritable all those weeks before?” He taunted in your ear, his warm breath on the side of your neck sending shivers down your spine. He twitched underneath your hands, and you felt your underwear dampen even more.

You could only nod as you captured his lips with your own in a desperate, open-mouthed kiss. His tongue tasted of whiskey as he licked into your mouth. Your hands quickly relieved him of his belt, the clinking of it drowned out by the heavy breaths…

“F-uck…you’re takin’ me so well,” He used the momentum of resting his forearms down by your head to grind his hips into you. The head of his cock sent a cascade of white pleasure over you as it stimulated your g-spot.  

“’m close, Joel, please.” You begged, you begged for the release that was so close, that was coiled so tight in your middle it was bringing tears to the corners of your eyes. He continued to grind into you, his lips coming to press sucking kisses along your collarbone. He bit down hard and it sent you over the edge as the pain sparked low in your core. Your muscles tensed, you could feel yourself clenching him tightly where he moved inside you, working you through your orgasm. A stuttered sound rumbled deep in his chest as his grinding turned into fast, hard thrusts.

He hauled you up, bringing your blissed out form flush against his chest as he sat up on his knees. You whimpered as you felt another orgasm build at an alarming rate. You clenched your knees around his waist and moved down against him, chasing it as he continued to chase his own. His hands were on your hips almost painfully tight, where he helped to pull you down as he thrust up into you. The sound of skin on skin was loud in the room, the bed frame creaking as you both took what you needed from each other.

“C’mon, give me another, sweet girl,” He curled his arms underneath your armpits to rest his palms on your shoulders and used them to bring your hips down to meet his with even more delicious friction.

“Haah, Joel, I- I can’t.” You dug your nails into his own shoulders, pulling a growl from him as the feeling went straight to his cock buried deep inside you.

“You were so desperate for it for so long, yes you can, give it to me sweet girl,” He snaked a hand down to rub two fingers over your clit in small circles. You choked on a moan that ripped from your throat as white spots danced across your vision. The clench of your third orgasm milking Joel’s out of him. His hips stuttered as hot ropes of his release filled you up, some of it dribbling down his length where it began to leak out of you. 

He moaned at the sight, resting his forehead against yours as you both panted.

An alarm blaring had you beginning to stir, the sheets tangling around you as you twisted to reach for the clock on the bedside table. When you flopped back on the bed facing away from it, your bleary eyes feel on the already awake form of Joel. His eyes were serious as he watched you settle back into the bed. He almost looked wrecked and that had you shooting up on your arms and moving as close to him as possible.

“What’s wrong?” You brought your hands to cradle his face, fingers brushing underneath his conflicted eyes.

“You were still on the ground and I just… I just fuckin’ left you there without a word.”

You felt your chest thud at the pain of the memory, the one that plagued your restless nights as summer had droned on and waned. It had faded to a facet of life, something that had once happened. Sometimes it was heavier than others.

“…it wasn’t the best reaction.”

“That’s one of the worst things I’ve done since comin’ here.” He confessed into the crook of your neck where he had buried his head. You just tightened your arms around him, comforting him as he worked through it. His voice cracked on his next words. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, I’ll carry that with me until I die.”

You both laid there, wrapped up in each other and whispered words of apology to each other. For the things you’ve done to each other to the things that have happened to each other. Comfort turned into promises and promises turned into kisses.

After getting showered and dressed, you walked to the stables together. Sharing a thermos of hot coffee, the steam rising to keep your faces warm in the face of approaching autumn. You were mid laugh when Joel raised his hands to cradle your face and pepper kisses over your face, stopping right there in the middle of the street in the early morning. Chuckles in between kisses had your heart racing in your chest.

When you both rounded the side of the stables there were already two horses saddled and a waiting Tommy at the gate to the outside pen beside it. He crossed his arms and walked passed you two with a simple, “Y’all are fuckin’ idiots. You know that?”

[amozon28]

ok while i do think the game version of the reunion hits harder, and ive listened to the podcast and totally understand why they did change it, and ive already addressed that in previous post, here i want to make a post where i talk about the aspects of the scene that i really really do like because they are different.

-the way the ellie just screams in absolute terror when Joel grabs her, she has reached her limit, she has relied on her anger to keep her focused during this entire episode and here after what happened with David she is completely shaken and she just cant, so she screams and screams in fear and its heartbreaking

- how because of the brightly lit scene and how the camera focuses on both ellie and joel you see how the moment ellie starts screaming joels face changes, everything happens a bit fast so i missed it on the first watch but on the second watch you can see pedros face go from relief to terror because he knows something’s wrong as she screams for him to get off her.

-gosh how incredible GENTLE joels voice is, its quiet and soft and so so so comforting, how as soon and he gets her to turn around he gently gently gently cups her face, ugh.

-Craig and Neil said this and i agree the stark contrast of the pure white snow against ellies 14 yearold child face absolutely covered in blood thats not hers, just cementing her innocence being ripped from her.

-how ellie cant even string a sentence together, how she doesnt even cry into joels shoulder, how instead of crying she whimpers, how you can almost feel her shaking in his arms? im devastated

-how joel immediately gives her his coat

-how after the hug ellie she doesnt cry in relief instead she looks completely shell shocked, her stare is blank and distant, after fighting and fighting and fighting to stay alive she doesnt have to anymore and so she shuts down because everything she just went through is too much.

while the game version actually makes me tear up and i do wish the show version had let the hug go on a little longer i do really like a lot about this scene, it is beautiful and amazing but it doesnt make me cry. its still incredibly beautiful in its own right tho

[amyispxnk]

Thinking about Joel from The Last of Us (what's new)

Thinking about how Joel was so young when he had Sarah

But he loved her with his entire heart

And he raised her by himself (Tommy probably helped a bit of course, but he can only do so much)

How much he worked and how much stress he was going through. Mans was on meds BEFORE the apocalypse.

Then how fast it all came crashing down for him and he lost his entire world in one night. She died begging for him to help and he couldn't do anything.

The guilt and grief must have been unimaginable. Losing a child is enough, but losing one like that?

And then I'm thinking about how much he changed.

We don't know everything about in-between Texas and Boston, but we know how terrifying he got.

And in Boston we saw it, he'd just kill and kill and it was honestly the same throughout the entirety of the first game. He was ruthless, looking for distraction and a way to get rid of his anger but obviously it was never enough.

After the hospital and return to Jackson, he obviously got softer.

Ellie was his second chance, and he knew that after what he did it was gonna go wrong eventually so he was treasuring her whilst he still could. He got to be a dad again and we saw how damn good he was at it, from conversations about Sarah to what we actually saw him doing with Ellie.

He tried really hard for her, even after she acted like she wanted nothing to do with him. Eg. Jackson Party flashback, Jesse tells Ellie how Joel keeps asking about her patrols and checking up on her without asking her because she doesn't want to talk to him. And then she yells at him in front of everyone for trying. I love Ellie, but that scene was so horrible and I actually felt like shit after it. The look on his face when he saw everyone watching him and judging him? I don't know how Ellie held it together.

And on that final flashback, the Porch Scene, he gets close to tears when she says she wants to try fix their relationship. Joel Miller, who we saw as a ruthless murderer who didn't like anyone in the first game, getting choked up because the Infected Girl, the One, Ellie, his babygirl, wanted to be his daughter again.

And they never got the chance to go back to normal and it breaks my heart.

Going through his house you could also see how he'd relaxed there, too. Woodcarving, playing gee-tar of course, rocking chair on the porch, books (space book with the glasses made me cry, he read it just for her even when they weren't talking. he really tried), the pictures of his two girls in his room and family around the house. And when I play that part all I can think about it how lonely he was. Imagine how much time he spent alone in that house or sitting outside on the porch. He must have felt so left out because everyone had somebody but he didn't anymore.

One thing that really made me sob was the picture of the dinner his family and Ellie and whatnot were at. The one where Tommy's there, Maria's there, Ellie's there.. and noone sits beside him. Because they're all with their somebodies and Ellie can't bear the sight of him. The look on their faces as they awkwardly avoid eye contact and everything is so sad.

Joel. Miller. Deserved. Better. Say it louder for the ones in the back

And no I'm not ready to watch this play out all over again in the HBO version.

[absurdthirst]

Joel's Children {Joel Miller x F!Reader}

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 6.3k

Warnings: Unprotected sex, shower sex, vaginal sex, pregnancy, vomiting, angst, mentions of medical procedures, murder, Joel being ruthless for those he loves.

Comments: One night together in Jackson leads to the discovery that Joel is going to be a father again, right as he lets Ellie back into his heart. Only for that to be threatened when you all meet up with the Fireflies again.

A/N: Remember that ruthlessly sexy scene where Joel plows through the hospital determined to get to Ellie? Thots remember....It's us, we're thots.

Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers

**Follow @absurdthirst-writes and turn on notifications to stay up to date on all new fics.

|| MasterList || Joel Miller MasterList ||

Click Keep Reading only if you have read the Rating and Warnings and understand the warnings may not be complete to avoid listing spoilers. As AO3 says 'creator chooses not to use warnings'. You also agree that you're the right age to be consuming anything here.

It’s been days, weeks, since you’ve been able to scrub yourself clean. The long walk across the midwest had proved difficult, tiring. Joel’s boots had given out near Cheyenne and it had been lucky that you had found a hardware store that had several rolls of duct tape. Apparently there hadn’t been enough people to loot through all the supplies in Wyoming. Or maybe you had just hit a small patch of luck on an otherwise unlucky journey. 

Now in Jackson, you are getting your first taste of civilization again. The steam is already curling up from the shower as you drop the dirty clothes on the ground. You’ll pick them up later, but you want to feel warm, clean. To watch the dirt and dried blood swirl down the drain while you wait to see if Joel will join you like he had promised he would. It wouldn’t be the first time he had pulled away from the attraction between you, but you hope that he comes.

Joel can’t hold back anymore. It’s been a stressful journey to try and get to Wyoming and he’s struggling to reconcile the fact that he has imagined his brother was in danger, possibly dead. He’s been frantic with worry, only to find out that he’s been living it up in a post-apocalyptic paradise with his wife. It kills him inside, knowing that he’s fought hard to make it to his brother, to save him, and he couldn’t communicate that he was safe the entire time. It makes him pent up and that’s what brings him to the shower where he can hear the water running. Stripping off methodically, he steps into the bathroom and moves behind you, your body tensing until he says “it’s me, baby.” You relax and his hands find your waist, pulling you back against him and he rests his head on yours, breathing you in for a moment.

“You came.” Closing your eyes, you shiver, the heat having nothing to do with the way your gooseflesh rises. The weight of his hand and the feeling of him touching you already has you on edge, needy. Joel sighs behind you and slowly you turn in his arms, sliding your hands up his arms to loop around his neck. “Do you want to get clean?” You offer, suddenly shy now that everything you want is right in the little 2x4 section of the shower. “Do you want me to wash you?” You know he’s fighting his emotions, despite trying to hide it. His eyes are more expressive than he would like and you’ve gotten good at reading him.  

He can’t say a word so he nods, not wanting to start spilling his guts about how much he fucking loves you and he doesn’t want to lose you. He’s lost too much, too many people. He’d die if he lost you. Ellie is better off without him, she needs to get to Colorado, to find the Fireflies. She doesn’t need him. You do. You’ve always been a little dependent on him and he likes that, feeling wanted and needed despite him not willing to give away his heart. It happened though, it’s yours even if you don’t know it. You grab the body wash and start to clean him off, his eyes fluttering closed at the feeling of your hands on his body, washing away the dirt but no one can wash away the sins that stain his skin. “Baby.” He murmurs after you wrap your fingers around his hardening cock, digits soapy and he can’t help the groan that escapes him. “You’re - you don’t - we don’t have to do that.” He tells you, knowing you must be tired.

“I’ve wanted to do this for nearly a thousand miles.” You laugh quietly, sure that it was around Lincoln where you had started falling in love with Joel Miller. Despite his angry and tough facade, you were and will always be grateful for him saving you in Kansas City, deciding to follow them out west when there was nothing left for you in the ruins of the cordyceps getting to the surface. You know he’s lost, you’ve seen it in his eyes and Ellie has spoken to you about a woman named Tess, but you want this, you want him. Slowly pumping his cock, you press your lips to his shoulder and then his collar bone, grazing his chin and finally pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “I want you to fuck me, Joel.” 

He groans, soft and low, and reaches for you. His hands find your ass to pull you close while his lips press harder against yours. His grunt into your mouth is desperate and you eagerly open to allow his tongue to slide against yours. “Need you.” He confesses, hand sliding around your hip until he caresses the curls at the apex of your thighs, sliding lower until his calloused finger finds your clit.

It’s like a drug, hearing that he needs you. Him touching you. It’s more than you had ever imagined on those nights where you had to slip your hand into your pants in your sleeping bag. Or, Joel’s sleeping bag. Moaning softly, you are happy that you had already washed before he had joined you, wanting this time to be undeterred by the need to clean up. “Joel.” You whimper his name, clinging to him as he presses a finger past your clit and into your cunt. 

He loves hearing you whimper and he’s quick to add a second finger, pushing them inside of you and letting his palm push against your clit. “Goddamn. You’re - you’re tight.” He pants, your fingers squeezing his cock and he kisses your face wherever he can reach.

Closing your eyes, your hips rock forward and chase his fingers as he pulls them back. “Haven’t been f-fucked in a long time.” You pant quietly, continuing to pump his cock. “Please, oh god, it would feel so good to have you inside me.”

He nods, grabbing your wrist to pull your hand off of his cock. “Turn around.” He rasps and you follow his order. He presses you against the cold tile, helping you arch your back, and he grips his cock. Positioning himself at your entrance, he pushes inside of you. He’s not rough but he’s not soft either, his need for you making him desperate to have you.

“Joel!” You cry out, cheek pressed up against the wall and you clench down around him. “O-oh god. It’s so good. Fuck.” You whine when he grinds deep, loving how he feels like he’s in your guts.

He can’t stop himself from trying to get as deep as possible. Grinding into you like he’s trying to mold your bodies together. “Fuck baby. You- you feel like heaven.” He sighs, pressing his head against your neck.

Preening at his praise, you push back and groan his name when he reaches up and cups your tits. “Oh shit.” You whine softly. “Fuck me, Joel. I need you to make me cum.” Your hand slides off the tiles and you reach between your thighs to start rubbing your clit. 

He groans, not wanting you to be the reason you cum, so he knocks your hand away to replace it with his own. Rubbing your clit in harsh circles and he pushes deep, making your tits push against the cold tile. “So good.” He murmurs into your neck.

Your breathing and the quiet moans are all that can be heard in the small shower. The push of his hips against your ass is absorbed by the smack against the tile and you love how steady his rhythm follows his fingers. “Fuck Joel, fuck.” You pant, closing your eyes and enjoying the ride. You’re guess that he would be good at fucking was proving correct.

He needs you to cum, months of pent up tension between you has him on the edge and he needs you to cum first. “Cum for me baby. Cum for me sweet girl. Right now. You can do it. Just - just cum for me.” He pleads, pushing deep while he rubs your clit like it’s the last damn thing he will ever do.

Shuddering, your head tilts back and rests against his shoulder and you cry out silently. Walls clenching down around him as you soak him in a torrent of cum.

“Fuck.” Joel hisses through gritted teeth, glad that you’ve found your pleasure, and his hands grip your waist, keeping you pinned so he can push into you with a groan. “Fuck baby. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” His words are clipped until he groans out, biting down on your shoulder while his cock pulses inside of you. He knows he shouldn’t have cum but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to consume you, possess you, make you belong to him. He couldn’t have pulled out if he tried and his cum is hot as it paints your walls.

The warmth of his seed fills you and your eyes flutter closed, enjoying the feel of it. “Fuck.” You pant quietly. “I’m going to sleep good tonight.” Sex always helps you sleep and it was an orgasm that wasn’t by your own hand. The ache between your thighs is one that will linger. Turning your head, you kiss his jaw. “Good for you, baby?”

He hums, turning your head so he can properly kiss you. He wants to spend the night in bed with you, savor every second of this time together. “So good. Come on, let’s dry off and get into bed.” He orders, turning off the water and stepping out to find a towel to dry you with. Once you’re both dry, he guides you to the bed and pulls you close, lifting your leg over his hip so he can curl around you. “I can’t say it but I want you to know I mean it.” He murmurs, hoping you know what he means.

****

The next morning, Joel manages to slip out from your arms without waking you, getting dressed and making his way to the stables. He knows you wouldn’t stay here without him and he desperately wants to take you with him but he can’t be selfish. You’ll have a better life here. One he cannot provide and one he has not earned the place to enjoy. He doesn’t fit in here, Maria made that clear and it’s best if he just leaves.

Tommy coming up the stairs wakes you and your eyes flutter open, the small smile on your face disappearing when you find the bed beside you completely empty. “Fuck!” You hiss, jumping up to dress so you can find Joel and give him a piece of your mind.

Joel is saddling up the horse when Tommy and Ellie enter the stables, and you come storming in behind them, overtaking them. He barely turns towards you before your hand comes up to slap his cheek. Combined with the cold air, he hisses and feels his stomach twist at the hurt he sees in your eyes. He can’t say anything, knowing that he’s a bastard who left you in bed without saying goodbye.

“You fucking asshole!” You hiss, not caring about the audience behind you. Joel brought this on himself. “You were just gonna leave? Without even a goodbye or fuck you?” Angry tears pool in your eyes and you want to smack him again, but you don’t. Unbelievably hurt that he would allude to loving you and then slip from the bed like a thief in the night.

He deserves that but he knows you wouldn’t understand his reasoning. “I want you to stay here. I need to go. I- I want to give Ellie a choice.” He looks towards the teenager. “Do you want to go with Tommy or you wanna go with me?” He asks her and she shoves her pack at him, “let’s go.” Joel’s heart thumps and he looks towards you, “you wanna stay?” He asks, stomach twisting as he gives you the choice like he should have done this morning.

“You wanted to give Ellie a choice but didn’t afford me the same damn thing?” You shake your head and scowl at him. “Saddle another fucking horse.” You demand, not willing to stay behind while the two people you care about most leave. “No offense to your brother, Jackson seems lovely.” Your eyes flicker over to the brother and then back to Joel. “But I said I love you and I meant it. I’m going with you.”

Ellie’s eyes widen as she looks between you and Joel, surprised that he finally gave in to those puppy dog eyes he gives you when he thinks no one is looking. Joel nods, biting his lip to suppress the smile that appears on his face. Tommy nods, saddling another horse for you and he slaps his brother on the shoulder. “You’re welcome back here anytime.” Tommy says and Joel nods, helping Ellie up onto the horse before he walks over to you. “I wanted to keep you safe.” He murmurs, knowing it’s pointless now but he had good intentions.

“You have a fucked up way of going about it, Miller.” You huff, shaking your head but you can understand why he thought he was doing what was best. Reaching out, you caress the cheek you had slapped. “We’ll keep each other safe.” You murmur, looking over at Ellie. “All of us.” You care about the feisty girl and you know Joel must be as protective of her as he is.

****

Ellie has been quiet since what happened with David and Joel is concerned. He got up from his death bed to save you both, knowing that you and Ellie were in danger had him pushing through the pain. He has been trying to reconnect with you both since heading to Salt Lake City. “You feelin’ okay?” He asks when you stop yet again to throw up. Flu isn’t really a concern in the new world, there’s no virus that is worse than the one that ended the world but maybe you’ve picked something up.

Groaning, you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand and stand straight. “Yeah, fuck, I’m -“ you stop, feeling another wave of bile rise but you manage to suppress it. “I don’t know what’s going on.” Your hand presses against your stomach and you sigh as the nausea passes. “I’m okay.” You assure him with a weak smile.

Joel frowns, watching you, and he hands you the rag he has in his jean pocket. “Here, baby.” He says and hands it to you and that’s when you freeze. 

“Baby.” You murmur, trying to figure out when you last had your period. Joel tilts his head, watching you freeze and Ellie stands there, jaw dropping as she figures out what’s wrong with you.

“Holy shit, you’re pregnant!” She cries out, her eyes wide and for the first time in forever, a real smile breaks out across her face. Leaping forward to crowd you excitedly. “You have to be, you’re getting sick now, but you don’t have a fever. You guys totally fucked, and that’s how you make babies.” She teases. Your eyes dart over to Joel, trying to figure out how he is going to take the idea of you being pregnant

Joel’s stomach drops as Ellie is the one who puts it all together and he swears his heart is about to pound out of his chest. One time was all it took and you’re pregnant. A veritable death sentence in this new world, and it’s all his fault. “Shit.” He murmurs, blinking several times as he watches you absorb the news. “Are you- do you think-?” Joel stammers, unsure of what to say to you.

You frown, shaking your head. “No- I- I’m just sick.” You insist, not liking the panicked look on Joel’s face. It’s not like you’ve been together since that one time, there’s no privacy for it. One of you staying awake to keep watch at night. You look down at your stomach and shake your head. “No, that can’t be it.”

Joel has accepted that you are, knowing that you haven’t complained about how uncomfortable the me still cup is like Ellie has done since you left Tommy’s. He’s not stupid, he knows you’ve complained about your jeans being a little tighter and you certainly haven’t been indulging when all you have is what he can hunt or find. It kills him inside, hearing he’s gonna be a dad again and all he can do is think of when he found out about Sarah. He was so young then. He was shitting himself but that was with the comforts afforded to him then, things like formula and a crib. What the fuck would become of a child in this world? Would he be able to provide? His breathing gets short and his vision goes blurry as he starts to panic, his chest tightening.

“Joel?” Your eyes widen and you rush over to him. Touching his shoulder as he bends over at the waist. “Joel, it’s okay, I’m not- we can-“ you swallow harshly and you know that any words of comfort will be nothing but platitudes. There’s no reassurance in this world. “Just breathe.” 

Ellie walks up on his other side and pats his back awkwardly. “It’ll be alright. You aren’t that old. And she’s younger than you.”

The words sound muffled to Joel as his thoughts come hard and fast, imagining a world with a baby. Then he thinks about you as a mother, how good you’ve been with Ellie, and how you looked at the kids at Tommy’s, the longing in your eyes when you saw a family. He imagines you holding the baby, safe at Tommy’s, a proper home. A second chance. The thought makes his breathing slow and he closes his eyes when you rub his back. “I’m here, baby.” You promise and he stands up straight, dragging you into his chest to hold you, his face in your hair to breathe you in. 

“I’m sorry. So fuckin’ sorry, sweet girl. I- I did this and I- we are gonna get back to Tommy’s and you’re gonna be such a good mama.” He promises, cupping your cheeks so he can look into your eyes, silently letting you know that he’s all in.

You weren’t expecting that response and you immediately tear up. Choking out a sob as you try to nod in his hands and lean forward. Needing a hug and reassurance that everything will be okay. You know that this world is rough but you need Joel with you. Maybe this baby can have a life that is close to what used to be, Ellie giving the world a cure.

****

“Ellie!” Joel growls when Ellie lets the ladder clatter to the level above. “Goddamnit.” He growls and reaches for the ladder. “You can’t go up it.” Joel shakes his head at you as you step towards it, five months pregnant. You are showing and Joel spends each night just holding you, rubbing your belly. In awe of the baby growing inside of you.

You wait until Joel is up the ladder and chasing after Ellie, shouting her name before you slowly start to climb the ladder. Not willing to stay below if there is some kind of issue or danger. You don’t think there is, not with the way that Ellie had sounded right before she had taken off. Slowly making your way up, you groan when you manage to pull yourself up and start following after them. “Joel? Ellie?”

Joel looks at the giraffe, in awe of the gentle beast, and he looks around when you call his name, eyes wide. Joel holds his hand out towards you, unable to reprimand you for coming up the ladder when this was the view. “Come here.” Joel grabs a branch and hands it to Ellie before he hands another one to you.

“Oh my god.” You breathe out in wonder as Ellie steps forward with the leaves. You watch as the giraffe takes the offered food and the girl giggles. “Hey there.” Joel watches, a soft smile on his face as you step up beside Ellie to hand her the leaves. She’s enjoying herself and you won’t take that away from her, not when she’s been so locked inside her own head after the run in with David. “So fucking cool.” Both you and Joel look at each other, your love for the girl evident and you know that you want to go back to Jackson, make your little family safe, you, Joel, Ellie and the baby.

After admiring the giraffe, Joel helps you down and you’re moving through the city when Ellie mentions his scar. “I, uh, it was me. I’m the guy who missed.” He reveals, knowing he’s never spoken to you about this. This was his secret, the shame he carried since he failed. He was barely living after they stitched him back up. Physically he was recovering, emotionally, he was never the same. Until he met you and Ellie.

Your hand covers your stomach protectively, knowing that if he had succeeded, your baby wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be here, you would have died in Kansas City. Sighing softly, all you can do is watch as he takes the rifle off his shoulder and leans against an old concrete barrier, obviously wanting to get it off his chest. “There’s no story.” He tells you as Ellie sits beside him, you on his other side. “Sarah died and I couldn’t see the point anymore. Simple as that. And I wasn’t scared either. I was ready.” He looks off, not making eye contact with either of you and you know he’s reliving the past. “I couldn’t have been more ready. When I-“ he pauses, ducking his head down and looking back up. “When I….” He gestures towards his head with his fingers pointed like a gun and your heart breaks, imaging the pain he had been in. “-went to pull the trigger, I-I flinched.” He looks slightly shocked that he had. “Still don’t know why.” Tears slip down your face and you want to tell him that you know why he flinched, he wasn’t done living yet.

“Well I'm glad you didn’t do…that.” Ellie offers Joel with a small smile and Joel nods, “me too.” He sighs and looks over at you, his eyes dropping down to your stomach. Ellie bites her lip, “I guess time heals all wounds.” 

Joel shakes his head, his eyes meeting hers, “it wasn’t time that did it.” His eyes are watery and your heart breaks.

Reaching out, you brush his hair back and lean in, pressing your lips to his scar softly before you pull away. “I’m glad that you did heal.” You murmur softly.

Joel reaches for your hand, squeezing it, and he lets his face say what his mouth cannot. Knowing you’ll know what he means. “Come on.” He pats his knees and stands up, taking your hand to help you stand. “You know what I’m in the mood for? Some shitty puns.” He says and squeezes your hand as he looks at Ellie who is eagerly pulling the book from her backpack.

You watch as she opens the book and starts the read. “People are making jokes about the apocalypse like there’s no tomorrow.” Joel frowns slightly and Ellie grins. “Too soon?” She asks and he shakes his head, “no, it’s topical.” 

She laughs, “oh I love this one.” She bends down and then pops back up. “Moon rocks taste better than Earth rocks. Why?” Joel doesn’t answer but he scratches his head. “‘Cause their meteor.” You groan alongside Joel. “Oh that’s terrible.”

“Zero out of ten.” Joel snorts, bringing your hand up to swing it between you. That’s when the grenade is thrown and Ellie shouts “Joel!” He spins, pushing you behind him to protect you and you’re both thrown back by the explosion. Joel shouts your name through the smoke and he’s trying to protect you and Ellie when the gun comes down on the back of his head and it all goes dark.

****

Groaning, you open your eyes slowly, lids fluttering and you wince at the pain in the back of your skull. “Easy.” Turning, you see a woman, darker skin with a sharp gaze about her. Eyeing you intensely and she seems relieved that you are awake. 

“Where-“ you croak, “Joel? Ellie.”

Marlene steps forward, holding a glass of water for you. “They’re fine. Ellie is being prepped for surgery and Joel is with her. My name is Marlene. I - Joel wanted me to be here when you woke up.” She says, offering you the cup of water after you sit up. Her eyes drop down to your bump and back to your face. “How- how far along are you?” She asks, stepping back once you have the glass of water.

“Around five months.” You take a sip of the water, relieved at the cool liquid as it goes down your throat. You wish that Joel was here, but being with Ellie is his priority. Just like she needs to be right now. You look back at Marlene. “It’s Joel’s.” You offer quietly, rubbing your stomach. “The baby.”

Marlene’s eyes widen slightly, having known that Joel did not like making connections and that’s possibly the biggest connection two humans could have. “Congratulations.” Marlene says, “I’ll go find Joel but in the meantime, I have a nurse who’s going to take some blood and she has vitamins to give you that you can take.” Marlene offers and you nod, grateful for the care. “I’ll go see how Ellie and Joel are getting along.” Marlene says and walks out of the room. 

“Do you think she will work?” Jackie, the nurse asks once she follows Marlene out of the room. 

“She’s our back up plan.” Marlene confirms and makes her way to Joel’s room. He wakes up just as she arrives and he winces as he tries to sit up.

“Welcome to the fireflies.” Marlene tells him, making him quickly roll over. “Easy. Ya got hit pretty hard.” Her hands are folded over her stomach and she smirks. “Patrol didn’t know who you were.” 

Joel groans quietly and looks over at her. “Where’s Ellie?” 

Marlene answers quickly. “She wasn’t hurt. Not even a scratch.” She sounds impressed, she is impressed. “She’s mostly worried about you.”

His head is throbbing and he sits up on the gurney. “Where is she?” He says your name, worried that he can’t see you either. 

“We lost half our crew crossing the country. I had five men whose only job was to protect me. I still almost got killed. How’d you do it? With a pregnant woman too?” Marlene snorts and Joel grips the side of the bed, shaking his head. 

“It was all her.” He says truthfully, knowing he couldn’t have made it without you. “Ellie fought like hell to get here.” 

Marlene shakes her head, “she would’ve been dead on day one. You are the one person I never wanted to be in debt to. But I owe you. We all owe you.” 

Joel shakes his head, “just take me to them. I need to see them.” 

Marlene stares at him for a moment, “I can’t. Ellie’s being prepped for surgery and-” She says your name, “she’s having her blood drawn for testing for the baby.” 

Joel frowns, “what surgery?” 

Marlene bites her lip, “our doctor, he thinks that the Cordyceps in Ellie has grown with her since birth-” Joel interrupts her, “why is she in surgery?” 

Marlene continues, “it produces a kind of chemical messenger. It makes normal Cordyceps thinks that she’s Cordyceps. It’s why she’s immune. He’s gonna remove it from her, multiply the cells in a lab, produce those chemical messengers, and then we can give it to everyone. He thinks it could be a cure, Joel. We think that it happened when her mother was bitten while Ellie was still attached to her umbilical cord. We - we want to see if it’s possible that we could recreate that in case-” 

Joel cuts her off, his jaw clenched, “in case what?” He is hearing that they want you to be bit after you give birth to his child. 

“A cure.” Marlene reminds him but he shakes his head, “Cordyceps grow inside the brain.” 

Marlene nods, “it does.” 

Joel shakes his head, “find someone else. Find anyone else. Not Ellie. Not the mother of my child.” He growls. 

“There is no one else. We didn’t tell them. We didn’t cause them any fear. Your child will be safe. We will make sure the mother is well looked after until she gives birth.” 

Joel shakes his head and stands up, “no. No, you take me to her. You take me to her right now!” He yells, desperate to see you, to save you and Ellie from this nightmare. The guard hits him in the stomach with the butt of his rifle and Joel falls down with a grunt.

“Please, you don’t understand.” Joel tries to reason with Marlene but she’s unsympathetic. 

“I do. I was there when she was born, Joel. I promised her mother I would save her child. I promised.” She pauses. “So I do understand. I’m the only one who understands. I’m sorry. I have no other choice.” She wants this to be over, for the world to go back to what it was and Ellie, and your baby might be the cure. She will sacrifice anyone for a cure. 

Joel looks up at her from the ground, worry and panic swirling in his gut. “I do.” He assures her, making Marlene realize she can’t leave Joel alive. 

She nods and speaks to the guards, “walk him out to the Highway, leave him there with his pack.” Her guards will know that she means for them to take him out of hearing range of the pediatric ward where you are being held and put a bullet in his brain. “Give him these.” She hands off the knife Ellie carried along with the necklace you wore and looks back at Joel. “If he tries anything, shoot him.”

Joel's heart pounds in his chest as he is led down the hall, his mind racing as he tries to figure out how he can save you and Ellie. His heart races and he imagines leaving you and his child, Ellie, here with the fireflies. He swallows harshly, stumbling and trying to slow down. "I didn't hear anyone say stop." The guard says when Joel looks at the sign, "which way?" He is pushed towards the stairwell and Joel imagines not being there for his children. He can't fail them. He can't fail you. 

"The fuck are you doin'? Keep walking." The firefly orders and Joel snaps, unable to let you and Ellie be the burden of this so-called cure. He can't lose anyone else. "I said keep-" Joel spins, elbowing the prick and grabbing his gun, making quick work of shooting them and he grabs the knife and necklace, determined to save his girls.

“Hello?” It’s been a long time since you’ve had a bed and the hospital gurney is actually comfortable. One of the ones obviously used in the labor and delivery ward and for a moment, you imagine actually being in a hospital for the birth. The nurse had told you that she would be right back, going to get Joel and you are starting to worry. There’s muffled sounds from the floors below, and you can’t quite make it out but it’s making you uneasy. “Anyone there?”

Joel is ferocious in his efforts to get to you and Ellie. He knows he has to get to Ellie first, stop the surgery, and he shoots down anyone that gets in his way. When he enters the operating room, he quickly shoots the doctor and the nurses scream, “unhook her. Move!” He demands and the nurses hands shake. “Cover her arm. Fast.” The nurse nods and covers her arm. “Turn around.” He demands and he carries her in his arms as he shouts your name, needing to find you.

“Joel?” You hold your stomach as you heft your weight off the gurney, hearing Joel scream your name. He sounds panicked, like he does when he’s lost sight of you or Ellie when there is danger nearby. That’s never a good sound to hear from Joel. “Joel! I’m here.” You shout back, slipping into your shoes so you can walk to the door of the room you are in.

He hears your voice and he’s relieved, eyes softening when he sees you, but yours widen when you see him carrying Ellie. “What -?” 

Joel shakes his head, “no time. We gotta go. Come on baby. Let’s go.” He demands and leads you towards the elevator.

You’ve learned that when Joel demands you move, you move. You don’t ask him again, instead you are right behind him, wondering what the hell is going on. You know how important this mission was to Ellie, to be able to ‘save the world’. So for Joel to be carrying her around in a surgical gown makes you wonder if the hospital is under attack. 

“What happened?” You ask and Joel can’t speak yet, too overwhelmed and relieved that you’re alive. That Ellie is okay. He looks at Ellie, knowing he’s messed up her plans for his own selfish desires but he couldn’t let her die for this. He sees the car and rushes forward until he hears Marlene. 

“You can’t keep them safe forever.” She says, aiming her gun towards him and he jerks his chin for you to get behind him. “No matter how hard you try, no matter how many people you kill, she’s gonna grow up Joel. And then you’ll die, she’ll leave. Your kid will be left without a father. Then what? How long until your kids are torn apart by infected or murdered by raiders? Because they live in a broken world that you could have saved.” 

Joel stares at her, “maybe but it isn’t for you to decide.” 

Marlene shakes her head, “or you. Your children had the chance to save the world. If Ellie died…we had the baby. A chance to try again.” Marlene says and you gasp, hand lowering to your stomach, unsure of what she means but you know it’s bad. “So what would Ellie decide? ‘Cause I think she’d wanna do what’s right.” Joel stares at the floor, unable to process this when Marlene says “and you know it. It’s not too late. Even now, even after what you’ve done. We have a second chance.” She looks towards you, “we can still find a way.” Joel looks down at Ellie before his eyes meet yours, knowing he couldn’t give this up. It’s his children. He couldn’t save Sarah but he can save Ellie, save you and his unborn child.

You watch Joel as he battles himself, looking down at Ellie and then over at you. You shake your head, knowing that anything that would lead to Ellie dying is not a choice you want to pick. His jaw ticks and he looks back at Marlene. Making you cry out in surprise when he pulls the trigger of the gun that he is holding under Ellie’s legs. “Get in the car.” Joel urges you as he turns and rushes towards the vehicle. 

Marlene groans as she curls into herself and he lays Ellie down on the backseat. He strides back over to Marlene, pulling his gun out, and he aims it at her, “you’ll just come after her.” He says and shots her in the head.

Swallowing harshly, you look back at Ellie laying across the seats. Whatever happened was bad. Joel connects the battery and slams the hood of the car shut, making you jump in surprise before he climbs behind the wheel and turns the key. “What happened?” You ask quietly, needing to know what is happening. From what you understood, Marlene was important to Ellie and it was her that had tasted Joel with bringing Joel here. 

Joel shakes his head, not able to talk about it just yet. He wants to get you out of here so he starts the car and makes his way out of the parking garage, eyes scanning for any more fireflies and he’s on edge. When he’s out on the highway and he reaches for your hand, lifting it to press a kiss to it. “Baby. Oh fuck. I- I thought I was gonna lose you all.”

You hear the way his voice shakes and you squeeze his hand. “You couldn’t lose us.” You promise him, even though you have no idea what was actually happening in that hospital. Craning your neck, you look back at Ellie, “we need to find her some clothes. For when she wakes up.” 

He nods, tears stinging in his eyes, “baby. She - she told me - Ellie’s mom was bitten before she was born. It’s why Ellie is immune and they - they wanted to take Ellie’s brain out to find a cure and if that failed, they were gonna use you - they wanted to use our baby as a second chance.” He chokes, a tear sliding down his cheek as he imagines being unable to help Ellie and you.

“Shit.” You hiss, furious that they had been so cruel. You would have never consented to hurting your child or allowing Ellie to be killed in hopes of a cure. “Then I’m glad you shot her.” You snort. “A bullet is too good for her. That’s unethical.”

Joel squeezes your hand, “and you would’ve been killed. I- fuck- I love you. I love you, baby.” He confesses for the first time, squeezing the steering wheel with his other hand as he makes his way to Tommy’s in hope of having a life with his family.

[ranna-alga]

I think about this conversation between Ellie and Tommy in TLOU2 a lot, particularly this line, because what if it was Ellie that died instead of Joel?

(Disclaimer: this text will make absolutely zero sense probably since I put very little thought into it and there are likely some plot holes. You can choose to dislike it or not but this is all hypothetical so let me have my depressingly whimsical wonders here)

Imagine it this way: Joel's death scene pretty much plays out the same way as it does canonically, except that the roles are reversed: Joel is the one who is pinned down and forced to watch Ellie be brutally murdered in front of him. Perhaps, in whatever way, Abby's group discover that she's The Immune Girl™ that Joel killed almost the entire Saint Mary's hospital for - the reason why Abby's father was murdered. If she's here, and is still as close with Joel as Abby may assume, then he couldn't be that far (say that members of the group saw Joel and Ellie moving together for a while before taking separate directions for whatever reason or something). The plan was to originally kill Joel, but Abby can't help but think: why do they get to live a picture-perfect life with each other as father and daughter, when he was the one who robbed me and my actual father of that life and she was the reason my father was in that position in the first place? How can he commit the sin and live without consequence after? Knowing that Joel would be looking for Ellie, the attack on her would start and continue even when Joel finds her and is made to watch - a sort of 'you took away the thing I cared about the most in this world, so now I will do the same to you and make you feel the pain I felt' message to Joel from Abby.

This would have been the second time he watched his daughter die. The second time he lost the one thing he lived for. The second time he's failed - as a protector, as a survivor, as a father. He had only four years with her, two of which was lost due to her anger towards him for what he did at Salt Lake City. And only the night before her murder did she confide in him about possible forgiveness, only for that to be taken from him? For her to be taken from him? After everything he did for her to ensure her safety, even if it meant the cost of her trust in him. Every part of him that died alongside Sarah was brought back to life slowly but surely thanks to this girl who stole his heart in only one year after two decades of being an empty shell of violence and resentment towards the world and himself.

His biggest fear came true - losing Ellie, failing her too - and it happened right in front of his eyes, just like Sarah.

Remember when it was heavily implied that both Tommy and Joel had a very violent and vicious past during the early years of the apocalypse where they were their darkest selves? Joel would have likely reverted back to that in this scenario. Absolutely nobody in Seattle will be safe. That man would turn that militarised city into a fucking ghost town, no doubt about it.

As for Tommy... Would he have been the same? Would he also want vengeance for Ellie as much as Joel did? Or would the pain of having another niece die + watching his brother descend into bloodlust and resentment again be simply too much to bare? Could he tolerate losing his brother and not get him back this time ever again?

It took twenty years after Sarah's death to find solace in life thanks to Ellie. He can't wait another twenty for another one - he can never go back, never again. He failed to save the lives of those he cared for (Sarah, Tess, Sam/Henry) and he feared the same for Ellie. But at least they made it into Jackson, their new home, alive and safe. But now? What more does he have to live for? How much more stronger would his self-hatred become for failing again and again and again where he can no longer see the light Ellie brought to him?

Knowing now that the surgeon he killed was Abby's father, he probably thinks it was an error to kill him instead of just knocking him out so that this WLF ambush costing Ellie's life wouldn't happen. But one thing he's certain he doesn't regret? Dooming humanity of a cure, because taking both of his daughters away from him proved Joel's decision to save Ellie from the Fireflies: to him, humanity didn't deserve to be saved, not anymore.

TLDR; I may be aromantic asexual but I'm still a proud Joel Miller simp who loves the thought of Joel in the bloody Santa Barbara appearance Ellie had in the canon TLOU2. No shame.

[romana-after-dark]

Blessed Be The Fruit: Part 2

Commander!Joel Miller x Handmaid!Reader

Series masterlist Join dark!Romana's tag list Dark!Romana's Masterlist

(sorry if you get two notications, accidentally posted this to my mainlol)

Summary: A few decades into Gilead’s conception, you head into your first posting as a handmaid after an affair with a guardian landed you in trouble. Determined to keep your head low in order to keep your son safe, you take on the moniker of OfJoel. Commander Miller has very little to do with you and mrs. Miller regards you with disgust, however you find solace in an unlikely friendship with Commander Miller’s daughter from a handmaid 14 years ago, Ellie who just got done with wives school. You and your friend, Ofthomas start teacher her and her friend Reilly under her mothers nose. Slowly, Commander Miller begins spending time with you and you begin to learn more about the man he was before and an affair begins outside the confines of the ceremony. Although initially you go along with it out if survival, you find yourself falling for the version of Joel you saw in these late night rendezvous.

Which Joel is really him, and how will he react when his own daughters secrets are revealed?

Content and Warnings: DARK JOEL! DUB CON!

Although no violent rape happens like in TWW, reader is under systemic misogyny and a society of ritualized sex abuse. Everything other than the violent rape scenes, everything that happen in either The Handmaids Tale book or show are liable to happen here including but not limited to discussion of rape, child abuse, child marriage, ritualized sexual abuse, sexual abuse in general, acts of violence, major character deaths, mentions of miscarriage but never shown and never pregnancies we know of. Big ole homophobia warning, specifically in regards to lesbophobia. As for Joel, PIV sex, breeding kink, degrading (slut, whore etc but thing like Raider!joel) forced breeding and breeding kink, power dynamics, Joel is not the good guy but he’s also not the worst, slightly rough sex but not violent. Warnings are liable to be added as the story goes but I’ll always update. As always if I miss something please tell me, but i extensively label my warnings and in the end media consumption is your own choice. If you would like to know if this is a happy ending or not you can message me and I’ll tell you that way I don’t spoil for everyone but you can decide if this is for you.

Immersability: Reader has long hair, can conceive children theoretically. At one point, she has to pose as Ellie's mother and I know this can be loaded in terms of skin tone. I am no genetics expert but I know dark skinned parents can have white passing children, like Lional Richie and Nicole Richie. It's up to you to see if this is going to take you out of the story or not.

Support writers, reblog and leave comments!

Additional warnings: forced blowjob but reader is into it. Still dub con bc the nature of everything.

*******************

It was a strange feeling, knowing the entire household was keeping track of your monthly cycle. Mrs. Miller had been cued in by Aunt Lydia of where you were at last week, and since then you were told the date of the next ceremony; the night during the highpoint of your fertility. You wondered, not the first time, why the ceremony was only once a month, not during the entire time of ovulation, or why not two or three times a day… but you supposed that’s where the wives would draw a line. No rights to reading or education, no voice, no power. One wrong move and you too can become the victim of ritualized rape… but no, your husband fucking a random woman more than *checks notes you aren’t actually allowed to read* once a month is too far. 

Internal humor is how to cope. The reality of the situation was terrifying, but it’s not like you were shocked by the idea. You had grown up your whole life knowing this would be your fate if you strayed; well, if you strayed and you were fertile. That fertility is what landed you in this problem in the first place.

It wasn’t love. There was no grand story to it. You were married at 15 to a man in his 20’s who hit you, as was his right. Even that wasn’t as dramatic as it could have been, just slaps, shoved into furniture, things of that sort. When a local guardian made advances, you took him up on it. The sex was fine, and eventually produced a baby; your son, who looked just like his real father. 

The guardian was sent to a new local and seemed indifferent to his son who was placed with some commander and his wife. You didn’t even get to say goodbye to him. He probably has a new name now, something biblical, and you often wonder what it is, what word it is that calls his attention. Babies recognize their name around 6 months after all. Benjamin? Levi? Asa? You named him… well, that doesn’t really matter now. It’s a name he’ll never know as his.

Angela had a better story. There was a group of you, a few other handmaids in your region and Angela rallied you all together, sharing your real names and stories. She had lived one hell of a life, always brave. As a low ranking wife she went behind her husbands back for the underground resistance at the young age of 16 and was pregnant a few times, none of which made it very long. For ten years she fought against Gilead, continuing the tradition of her youth. Hell, even before Gilead’s official formation she fought, being a part of pro-LGBT and women’s rights activism since middle school. After her husband was killed in war a guardian attempted to rape her and Angela stabbed him to death. Badass. Gilead didn’t see it that way, despite espousing wanting to protect women. She was going to be hung, of course, but a pregnancy test reviled she was pregnant again, a baby she carried to term, this time. He died of illness a few months later. Regardless, she’d had a healthy baby, and was sent to Thomas Miller’s for her first posting last year.

Aunt Lydia had told Angela that this commander Miller would suit her temperament and you understood what that meant. Angela had confirmed the impression that you had gotten early that week.

Thomas Miller had kind eyes. The kind of eyes that warmed you, relaxed you. You bet he was a charmer in another life. The brothers seemed close, Joel- Commander Miller you mean, lighting up around him like you only see with Elizabeth.

Commander Miller adored his daughter, that much was clear. Many men in Gilead only viewed their children -especially daughters- as possessions or pawns, but it was clear it wasn’t like that between them. You wondered if that closeness is why she wasn’t married yet. At 14 she had been out of wives school for a few months, and it was time to at least get her betrothed. God forbid she waste of moment of potential fertility. Yet, Commander Miller didn’t even seem to be looking.

 Few knew more than him how dangerous it was as a woman in this world, and Elizabeth wasn’t a woman- she was a child, still. Commander Miller also seemed aware that Elizabeth was… particular. She only had one friend, Riley, a child from before the handmaid system who was married already. Mrs. Jones, she was called by Lisa, you and Mrs. Miller (who always tried to do things by the book). Joel refused to call her Mrs. Jones, saying “I’m not addressing a child who I’ve been forced to play dolls with as Mrs. anything. She’s Riley to me.” Outside though he did things right. Can’t be too familiar with another man’s wife, even if he’s known that wife since she was in pull ups. 

The ceremony was tonight, and it seemed like everyone knew. Angela did, but only because you mentioned it.

“Got any questions?” She asked you, always the older sister, even if she only had a few years on you.

“Believe it or not, I’m not a virgin.” You joke back.

Angela laughs and nudges you with her shoulder. “I know, it’s just your first ceremony. I mean, it’s pretty straightforward to what they teach you in the Rachel and Leah Center, only-” She seemed to shut herself off with that, but you urge her on.

“Only what? You can’t leave me there.”

She swallowed thickly before attempting again, somewhere between a cringe and a childish giggle. “Well, you know, genetically-”

“Angela.”

“Brothers have similarities-”

“Just say it!”

Angela stopped, pulling you in to whisper. “Tommy has a massive cock.”

You stand there frozen in shock until a guardian shouts at you to keep moving and stop whispering. There was a lot there, including the implication that if they share genetic similarities, Joel might be harder to take than expected, especially without foreplay, but the thing that really struck you, the thing that sent your mind whirling was how Angela phrased it. She called Commander Miller, Tommy.

*

He was handsome, Commander Miller. At least there was that. Another handmaid, Ofglen, was stuck with a 70 year old man. Several girls had commented in hushed whispers that you and Ofthomas were luck; the Miller brothers were a dream posting, comparatively. So many men were ugly, old, or cruel. Ofhim had scars from lashes on her back. Some of the wives were worse, Ofcole’s wife would starve her when her monthly cycle proved the ceremony useless. Mrs. Miller was a pain and was rude, but she’d never take anything like that into he own hands. She wanted to play the part of dutiful wife so bad. That didn’t stop her from constantly making digs at her daughter.

Mrs. Miller requested your aid in her garden once, using you to dump all her feelings. She confessed the reason you were here was her doing; Elizabeth had proven a failure in her eyes, and she wanted another child to raise, to start over. She said her father spoiled her, let her get away with to much. Commander Miller refused to physically discipline her, and Mrs. Miller was insistent that that’s what the girl needed. Commander Miller reminded her she was just a teenager, and Mrs. Miller countered that she is a woman, not a child. You were married off young and it had seemed fine. You felt like an adult. But now you look at Elizabeth and think ‘did I look that young? Did I seem that childlike?’ 

Mrs. Miller had expressed that she had hoped wives school would fix her, or that maybe after coming back, Riley’s influence would be good. Ellie’s friend, Riley, was 16 and was married to a man in his 20’s, both children from before who had been taken from an unworthy family. An age gap, but certainly not the worse you’d seen, certainly, but now you were near her husbands age the the idea of marrying a 16 year old…

All this to say, Commander Miller was a blessing. You’d been lying if you said you never thought of him when you masturbated. And of course you masturbated. His sweaty body all encompassing around you, brown curls falling on his face, his facial hair on your skin…

*

It was time for the ceremony, you and Mrs. Miller were in your respective positions, you laid up between Gina’s spread legs in her blue dress, her hand gripping your arms with your legs bent. Commander Miller emerged from the bathroom and your chest tightened at the sight of him, knowing what was coming. The pomp and circumstance had passed, the prays having been done in the living room with members of the household: You, Commander Miller, Mrs. Miller, Lisa, and the driver, Isaac. There had been a passive aggressive spat between Mrs. and Commander Miller on the idea of Elizabeth attending the prayers.

Mrs. Miller: “She needs to participate in household activities”

Commander Miller: “It’s bad enough she knows whats going on, I don’t need her to participate.”

Mrs. Miller: “She’ll be a wife soon enough herself, god-willing she’ll have a handmaid of her own!”

“God-willing she won't need to!”

Mrs. Miller scoffed. “As if God would find her worthy in her state!”

Commander Miller grew deadly calm, jaw set in a tense gaze as he stared at his wife, you and Elizabeth standing on the other side of the room. “Woman, you do not speak about her like that again, understood?”

The intensity of his eyes must have been warning enough, Gina backing down. “Yes sir.”

He straightened up. “Ellie, you are excused. Gina, drop it.”

The tension had carried over into the bedroom, the air thick with it as the reality of what was going to happen settled in. Commander Miller’s bulge was prominent even in his dark pants, having worked himself up alone before coming out here and undressing once again. Just pulling down his pants and underwear, god forbid you see him shirtless. This wasn’t for your pleasure, you filthy whore, this wasn’t even for his. This was for you to bare him and his wife a child. A son to lead the family in righteousness, or a daughter to bare more children and so on. This was a job.

You hear a spit and the distinct sound of masturbation, then a few more spitting sounds. It took everything in you to not look at him, keeping your eyes glued on the ceiling but the picture was clear in his head. The tall, broad, powerful commander furiously jerking off the the site of your body spread of before him. Was that for you? Or was he looking at his wife? He sure didn’t seem very fond of her, but there was no denying she was beautiful.

“Joel, do you really need to do that? It’s obscene.”

“Well you can’t expect her to take it dry when you can barely-”

“Joel!”

“Well unless you want me to-”

“JOEL!”

You couldn’t help it, opening your eyes to see him, his face scowling but eyes with a glint of mischief. He was fucking with her, purposefully embaressing her infront of a lowly handmaid to get back at her for what she said about Elizabeth.

When Commander Miller slid into you, you were suddenly acutely aware that this was going to be difficult. Slowly he moved inside and the inches just. Kept. Coming. Your breath hitched and you bite down on your lip trying to keep any possible sound from coming out, no gasps of pain that could be mistaken for pleasure. The stretch was unbearable by the time Joel was fully sheathed inside of you, thrusting as the tears pricked up in your eyes. It would be quick. There was no presence of needing to last, at least. Just get it done. Fill you up and hopefully you conceive. Problem was… the stretch.

 It wasn’t your fault, really. It was natural, wasn’t it? Even under these circumstances. Or maybe you were a harlot, only redeemable by producing a child for a high value man. That's why you were in this position, right? You could feel yourself getting wet and you wished he would hurry up before the smell of sex and arousal fill the room, before the fucking sound became impossible to ignore. The warmth in your belly grew, tightening, the feeling of being filled so completely was just dizzying and you needed him to finish, now.

Then it happened, the orgasm hitting you so hard your eyes rollback in your head and it takes everything you have not to cry out. You can only pray Joel isn’t looking at your face as you attempt to stifle every bodily reaction as you pulse around him. Warmth floods your insides when he stills inside you, a light groan from his lips. He’s allowed to make a few sounds; he’s the man, after all. It’s supposed to feel good for him, but for you? This was wrong. This was bad, and you were going to be in a fuck ton of trouble now. Aunt Lydia never said anything about orgasming. Did the law have a specific article about this, or was it left up to the commander's discretion? You hadn’t seen Joel raise a hand to Gina yet, but you were only a week in. You open your eyes, daring to take a peak at Commander Miller in order to gauge your future. 

You can see him smiling at you before tucking himself back into his pants to go clean up. Mrs. Miller instructed you to lay there for a while, bettering the chances of it taking, and left the room. When Commander Miller exited the bathroom and returned to the bed chambers, he excused you with a soft “You can go now, darl’n”

*

Another 2 weeks went by without incident, and it appeared Commander Miller wasn’t going to do or say anything about your embarrassing indiscretion. Angela had told you to play with yourself before the ceremony to get yourself wet, but you had been too scared of this exact scenario happening. Fat lot of good it did you, huh?

Unfortunately for everyone involved, you got your period as expected. One would think you didn’t want to get pregnant. The odds of dying in child birth had increased despite growing technology. It was the pregnancy complications and the insistence of home births even when the pregnancy was warning them not too. Gilead’s obsession with rituals meant that there was also an extensive one for childbirth and that obsession rendered many women dead. In addition to that, there’s the horror of growing a child inside you, and even if it was a healthy pregnancy and that child lives, after a period of breastfeeding you are taken away from the life you created to go to another posting.

If you produce a child and remain behaved, when you are no longer of birthing age, you get to retire in peace. Whatever that meant. You weren’t sure you entirely cared, one way or another, but the idea of the wall was scary. 3 postings, 3 years per posting, this was your window.

You often heard Elizabeth sneaking downstairs after the household went to sleep; always after Joel went down. Your room was right by the stairs, so you heard it all. God knows you aren’t sleeping.

You were bored. So bored. Bored enough to sneak downstairs after Ellie and go investigate, so you do. Slowly and carefully you go down stairs and find Commander Miller’s office, creeping up to the door to listening. You hear music. Music that was supposed to have been destroyed a decade ago, and you take a moment to enjoy the sound. Steady acoustic guitar, soft male singing.

“Can we listen to it again?” Ellie’s voice spoke from behind the door.

“After your lesson.” Commander Miller.

“UUUGGGHHH”

“I thought you wanted to learn?”

“I do…” Ellie acquiesced, and you can hear the sounds of pulling a book off a shelf and opening it. Biology. Commander Miller was teaching Ellie biology. This was unheard of, especially for a commander's daughter, a woman who was supposed to be getting married off soon. She didn’t need to learn science, to listen to ungodly music? So why was a high ranking Commander not only allowing it, but teaching her?

You move to go back upstairs where you belong, but the creak of the floor gives you away. White-hot panic, the kind where everything runs hot and the world suddenly feels funny floods your system. You freeze, hoping to God no one heard you. That goes out the window when the door flies open, Commander Miller spotting you and yanking you inside the room by the dress.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” He shouts, loud and angry and so close to you that you can smell his breath.

“Dad?” A panicked Ellie stood to the side, drawing your attention. She looked terrified, and you felt sorry for scaring the poor girl.

Joel gripped your face, fingers digging into his skin as he forced you to look at him. “Eyes on me. You don’t look at her.” Keeping your face forward, Joel turned to Ellie. “Go upstairs, I’ll take care of this.”

“But dad-”

“Ellie. I got this, you go to your room, it’ll talk to you in a bit, okay?”

Ellie nodded, going out the door and only stopped to eye you for a moment.

Joel turned back to you. “What did you hear?”

“Nothing-”

“Liar!” He screamed, fingers pressing harder into your skin.

“I heard the music! And, and some of the lesson, but I won’t say anything I swear-”

“Of course you won’t,” Joel chuckled. “Who are they going to believe? A commander and the first daughter of Gilead, or a handmaid who cums during the ceremony.” Your eyes go wide at that, the way Joel’s grip loosens but never leaves, thumb slowly beginning to trace at your cheeks. “Yeeeah, that’s right, I felt you. Little bitch in heat couldn’t help cumming on cock? Didn’t even need any build up, huh? You just take whatever's given to you. Little whore, all pent up…” 

God, he looked good like this; towering over you, broad shoulders closing in on you and making it clear there was nowhere to go. When he placed his thumb at your lips, you didn’t even hesitate to take it in your mouth and begin to bob your head, eyes closing just a little. “Dirty, dirty girl…” Joel taunted. “Just need to get filled up. All that pent up slut, nowhere to go. Tell me, sweet thing… Do you think of me when you touch yourself?”

Your sucking stopped, but Joel continued moving his thumb in your mouth. “Yeah, I know you do. Get on your fucking knees.” He didn’t wait, shoving you down to your knees, his cock entering your mouth before you had a chance to think.

The stretch pried open your mouth, pulling at your chapped and dry lips. The bulbous tip hit the back of your throat and made you gag, but he wasn’t stopping.

“Dirty fucking whore, that’s how you ended up here, isn’t it? Needed to be constantly filled, your husband wasn’t enough?” He thrust into you with vigor, your sputtering sounds only spurring him on more while you breathed through your nose, you couldn’t help but whine, preening at the sensation of a dick in your mouth once again. It felt, so, so good, despite the circumstances. “Don’t you worry, I’ll fill you up alright, fill you up enough you stay full.” His pace began to falter after a few more minutes. “Fill you up with my baby, fulfill your biological destiny like the pretty little whore you are.” You wriggle, trying to get some sory of sensation between your legs as you hungrily sucked at him, desperately needing his cum inside you.

He spilled into you, salty and thick and so fucking good, you swallow down every goddamn drop.

With a hand fisted in your dress, Joel pulled you up and to your feet, shoving you back against the wall as he cleaned up. “You are going to apologize to her, and after that.” Joel was close up against you again. “You are going to keep my daughter’s name out of your fucking mouth.” His tongue flicked out to lick at the corner of your mouth and swiped his tongue over your lips. “After tonight, we on’t be wasting one more drop in your mouth. Every last bit of me goes to filling you up, but this-” He patted your stomach where his cum was heading. “Should keep you satisfied until next time.”

Until next time.

Joel pulled you upstairs and into Ellie’s room where he shoved you forward. You fold your hands in front of you and bow your head, hoping she can’t see any evidence of you being a whore for her father on your face. You doubted Joel would’ve allowed that.

“I’m sorry for intruding, Miss Miller. It won’t happen again.” You are careful not to imply you heard anything, know anything, and certainly not imply that she did anything wrong. Joel wouldn’t stand for that.

“Yeah, whatever.” Was all she replied before Joel sent you out of the room, and all you hear as the door closes is “It’s okay, baby girl. It’s handled.”

But your thoughts were swirling on something else, how turned on you were, how dominant he was, how fucking hot he is, but most important, those last few words.

Until next time.

******************

We get to the spice nice and fast ayyyyyyyyeeee

We love Joel being protective of his daughter <3

Let me know your thoughts!

Remember, reblogs spread the work, comments means the world!

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @dins-riduur-anthe @morallyinept @fan-fiction-floozy @med494 @taliarose12 @flvrdoll @k-ra @sam-2me @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @moriartyyouwhore @hereforthepedrofanfic @alwaysmicado @noisynightmarepoetry @kyloispunk @jenna-ortega @lunitareads @labyrinthofheartagrams @swimmjacket

[mrdarcygenderenvy]

Recent Austen adaptations yelling

Ok I DID make this blog to review historical-set Pride & Prejudice adaptations (with an exception made for iconic B&P). But for everyone who was DEFINITELY WONDERING, yes I have also been storing away a lot of opinions about other recent Austen adaptations that I Must Tell Someone.

.

Fire island (2022)

A modern gay party cheesy rom-com P&P that genuinely made me laugh. Having seen some other (whiter) cheesy gay romcoms that were extreeeemely PG & playing it safe, I was pleasantly surprised.

Also Bowen Yang and his story just came across really earnest in a way I was into - would watch this man cry again, 10/10.

Personally as an extremely disabled british nerd (now tragically unable to travel and/or go to the club...) this gay scene is a long way from my queer scene. But I still had emotions, you know?

Kinda wanted more of the Mary analogue and generally just normal looking people (almost everyone is so ripped) but I appreciate that's how beautiful smooth people often look in mainstream american films, we can't have everything.

DARCY WATCH: I do not want to dress like this adaptation's chinos Mr Darcy. But Conrad Ricamora was generally great and very hot and awkward and understood the assignment. Good ice cream throw.

.

Emma (2020)

I know I know, it's pretty... but I don't think that's enough!!!!!

Lovely production, beautiful costumes, a candy wes-anderson cinematography that really suits the story, and it's fun to notice references to actual outfits and prints from the time but lads. LADS. UNPOPULAR OPINION TIME: Where is the chemistry???

You can’t make Mr Knightley a nice sweet boy (so funny to have cast a posh folksy singing man) and leave the plot the same and expect it to work!! Also I was personally pissed off that a lot of the promo/ ads for this made it look like ~forbidden love~ when it's the 2 richest white people in town getting together?? ? There's actually not even a class difference in this one, guys.

Basically this romance was nothing to me!!! I felt nothing!!!!!!!! WHERE'S THE DEPTH

I did like the bit where he lies down though. Relatable.

Also why are you drawing so much attention to the servants when you don’t seem to have anything to say about class...? 'Wow look how many servants they had! Anyway, they don't get any speaking lines'... it's 2020 guys!!! like what are we saying here. 'isn't it cool to think about how people were rich'??

kind of the point of Emma (character) is she's pretty superficial, but the story does not, in fact, have to be

.

Persuasion (2022)

Weeping softly into a pillow........ did you know this version meant a version with Sarah Snook and Joel Fry got cancelled?? we could have had it all

(standing on a table yelling) THE MODERNISATION WAS NOT THE PROBLEM WITH THIS FILM!!!

Honestly I actively liked all the entire secondary cast in this. Louisa and Mary were extremely charming fun takes to watch. ('I'm an empath' IS right for the character if you're doing modern jokes!!!) And nobody can deny this was a correct and powerful use of Richard E Grant.

Henry Golding was naturally great. Apparently he got offered the lead and took the villain instead, which DOES mean the villain is super charming and fun to watch which is... hard to match and.... kind of shows up.... the main man.

It's been said before but the main two were WOEFUL imo. I have no beef with the actors I just question the DIRECTION and whether anyone making this knew (or cared) why people... enjoy things.

Book Anne is the quietest gentlest loser and I LOVE HER and so does basically every Austen nerd. Making her a quirky wine-bath girl who's honestly just cruel sometimes fully stops the main romance chemistry and plot from working.

And it means the main boy is still like 'god I'm so horny for how KIND AND CAPABLE YOU ARE' which is just 100% no longer true. You can't transplant a personality in a romance but leave the plot the exact same and expect it to work. The chemistry IS the plot in a romance..........

you can't act morally superior to your siblings and still rate people out of ten.... also so funny to me that everyone else gets period outfits and hair whereas this protagonist looks like she just glanced at a picture of any time in the past and grabbed a couple shirts from primark. it doen't even look good or build character!!!!!

Anyway, not to be an elderly man like 'ohhh why does nobody care about character these days' but the reason something like Clueless works is because it has the heart of the story right, instead of just copying the surface level stuff.

[halfmoth-halfman]

y'all know what time it is! it's monthly fic rec time!!!

i decided to move this to the first so i wouldn't miss any fics that might be posted on the last day of each month!!

& a small, kinda sad update:

usually this is where i'd link to my fic-recs blog, but i hit the character limit on my filter page where i have my recs organized and when i made a new page it saved over the first one.

all of my filters and recs on that page are now gone and have to be manually re-done. you can still find my recs by scrolling through the blog, but the filter page is going to be under construction until i can get everything fixed and re-added!!

Alex Keller

❀ click click boom - @writeforfandoms

i don't see a lot of alex fics, so this was already a fav as soon as i saw it, but then i read it and ???? hello???? this was so good??? the characterization of alex alone was amazing, and the rest was like the cherry on top!!

❀ convallaria majalis - @nightingale-ghost-writer

19.2k words of absolute perfection. a fic i have been looking forward to and now that it's out, i just can't get enough of it! did i have to take breaks while reading so i could twirl my hair and kick my feet? yes. was it worth every second? yes.

Arthur Morgan

❀ the fire in your eyes || part VII: horseshoe overlook iii | part VIII: horseshoe overlook iv | part IX: horseshoe overlook v - @cowboydisaster

if there's one character i love more than anything in the world, it's arthur morgan and this series has only made my love for him that much stronger. so beautifully written, i couldn't stop reading-the whole time with a smile on my face. the entire bar scene in part vii??? i was crying with laughter. this is def one of my fav series i've ever read and i am on the edge of my seat waiting for more!

Carlos Oliveira

❀ the way we let it stay - @uselsshuman

this is a fair warning right now that most of the resident evil fics on this list are going to be from em. she has single-handedly ignited my hyperfixation for RE and all of her fics are incredible. including this one!

❀ old wounds new loves - @uselsshuman

i love little cute domestic fics, and carlos is so real for not liking cereal. “Waking up and eating a bowl of cold soggy food? No, thank you.” i feel that on such a spiritual level. also protective!carlos is just the best!!

Javier Peña

❀ arepas - @mvtthewmurdvck

i know i already went feral over this fic, but i'm going to do it again because i love this fic so goddamn much!! this fic is incredible, the way everything feels so natural between javi and reader, the teasing, the friends to lovers trope, everything about this is just so beautiful!!

❀ a broken sight - @mvtthewmurdvck

i don't understand how you can write a character so perfectly. i will never not be amazed by the way you write javi. and the angst??? ugh "He’s here. Like you needed him to be." don't mind the noise that's just me sobbing in the corner.

❀ the dreams we made - @mvtthewmurdvck

there's nothing like a good ol' helping of jo angst. this hurt in all the right ways, completely ripped my heart out and shattered it only to put all the pieces back together again and fill the cracks in with gold.

❀ nowhere to run || file room + accusations | sunshine yellow | a new day - @mvtthewmurdvck

the series that got me into narcos, i actually started watching the show just so i could read the perfection that is this series!! am i potentially spoiling things for myself a little bit? yes, but it's absolutely worth it because this series has me by the throat.

Joel Miller

❀ want. - @mvtthewmurdvck

literal poetry best described by this gif:

John "Soap" MacTavish

❀ none lacking sins - @halcyone-of-the-sea

listen, i like soap. he's not my fav, but he's a really good character. this fic though? it's moved soap up to my top five favorite characters. this made me want to read nothing but soap. i must've read this a dozen times, i was immediately sent into a soap hyperfixation. every aspect of this fic is just amazing. stunning. perfect.

❀ the hanging tree - @writeforfandoms

had me on the edge of my damn seat trying to figure out what was going. the worry and the tension built up so wonderfully i was dying to know what was about to happen and omg i was not disappointed. and the way jen writes soap is just *chef's kiss*

❀ i will wait - @mvtthewmurdvck

this fic had me realize how much i crave soft!soap and just fluff with soap in general. the tender moments warm my heart up something fierce and make me all giddy. like waking up to the perfect sunrise.

John Price

❀ puppy love || one | two | three | four - @writeforfandoms

puppies and price? what more could someone ask for? these two are so cute together and with the added cuteness of the puppies (and gaz lol) it's just an overload of cuteness in the best possible way!

❀ scratches in the surface - @halcyone-of-the-sea

was not expecting a part two to one of my favorite price fics, but damn if this wasn't a fantastic surprise. the angst is top-tier here and as much as it hurt, i couldn't stop reading and will probably read it again a million more times.

❀ neon medusa || part 1: static in the airways | part 2: warning signs - @yeyinde

CYBERPUNK!AU????? WITH PRICE????? WRITTEN BY YEYINDE???? SIGN ME TF UP!!! i am feral, consumed by how excited i am for this series and how utterly fantastic it's been so far. i will never get tired of lev's fics, and how gorgeous her writing is.

❀ untitled - @lunarvicar

okay this was adorable. the way price drops everything to get to her apartment, immediately ready to protect her is just sooo perfect. and her being freaked out by ghost adventures?? asdasljlsjd relatable.

❀ untitled - @yeyinde

i live for domestic bliss, and this fic just scratched that itch so well. there's something so comforting and homey about this fic, just the quiet intimacy between price and reader, the cute back and forth, this line: “Gaz said I looked like an Edwardian lord—” an absolute comfort fic if i've ever read one.

❀ comforts of home - @halcyone-of-the-sea

this fic had me weak, literally struggling to read cause i was too busy looking like this at my phone

❀ barking dog - @yeyinde

jealous!price is not something i see often, but damn if i don't want to see more of it after reading this. i am obsessed with the way lev writes price, how real and natural and captivating he is in her fics.

❀ wicked pyre - @yeyinde

you can't just give me dragon!price and expect me not to love it. i am so feral for monster!au's and this is saldkjaslda i can't be normal after reading this, i am feral, so enraptured by this fic and the entire concept of dragon!price.

❀ origami boats - @halcyone-of-the-sea

a sequel to the best price fic of all time???? say less. this fic was in my top three before i even started reading, i just knew it was going to be good. well, it wasn't just good, it was great. stunning. heart-breaking in a way that gives you the best kind of hurt.

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick

❀ high hopes - @writeforfandoms

gaz my sweet mans. as one of my favorite characters, i tend to be picky with my gaz fics, but this fic right here? loved it. adored it. read it six times with a bigger smile on my face each time.

❀ cult of vagabonds || prologue | landless gull | snail & thrush - @halcyone-of-the-sea

not only is this a gaz series, but it's one written by halcyone who can never write a bad fic. this is immaculate. i can't even describe how much i love this series so far and how much i can't wait to see where it goes!

❀ boom - @sleepiexx

ok but like this was so good?? the tension, the desperation, the way gaz was so ready to die with her. i'm shook. and that ending???? i’m giggling, i’m blushing, i’m re-reading this fic a million more times.

Leon Kennedy

❀ leon kennedy masterlist - @uselsshuman

i'm gonna be real here for a second, this entire section was 99% made up of em's leon fics. i couldn't choose which ones to add, which ones were my favorite, because i loved them all. so i'm just putting a link to her leon masterlist, because every single one of those fics deserves to be seen and read and given all of the love that they deserve.

❀ enough || one | two | three | final - @uhlunaro

i have one word for this series: wow. just wow. i have never been more thankful to find a series after it was already done because i would've gone crazy waiting to see what happened next! which part was my favorite? all of them. every single one. the hurt, the dialogue, just the way leon is written. i'm speechless.

Simon "Ghost" Riley

❀ exit row || exit row, part iii | exit row, part iv- @lunarvicar

the phrase "post-dick flashback" will live rent free in my head until the day i die, i was wheezing. i'm convinced there isn't a character nat can't make me love, because her portrayal of ghost here?? 🔥🔥🔥

❀ happiness || diamond ring | fearless | - @lethalchiralium

more of my favorite family man!simon series!!!!!! yesssss!!!!! i swear with every new addition, i just love this series more and more. i am so stressed reading it, but i love every second of it.

❀ the effect you have - @mvtthewmurdvck

screaming, crying, throwing up. how do you do it, jo? how do manage to make me hurt and heal my heart so beautifully in every single fic? how dare you, but also thank you so much.

❀ the captain || part 6 | part 7 | thunder - @as-is-above-so-below

omg i can't. y'all can't just keep giving a+ quality family man!ghost fics and expect me to be normal. you can't just give me cute shit like:

“Gaz frug.”

and not expect me to be like:

also, i am absolutely in love with freyja. the way her relationship is written with ghost and the kids is so lovely and has me kicking my feet and twirling my hair.

❀ ghost at the beginning of your relationship - @angelltheninth

cute. adorable. sweet. i love me some good fluff and even more so soft!ghost and this was the perfect combination of both of them! and simon having "guard dog energy" is so funny and so correct.

❀ ménage || refuge | resolution - @lilywastaken

my new go-to for simon fics. the relationship between simon and reader and between simon and the 141 are both so great. and oh my god that wild ride of emotions i went during part five had me stressed tf out i couldn't stop reading! such a great and fun series.

❀ making progress - @constantcrisis19

"dragged into the CoD fandom kicking and screaming" and still delivering an absolutely amazing fic. the teasing, the small talk, the faint smile?? incredible. the entire conversation about powerful music?? fantastic.

[chronicallyonlinewriter]

Sorry I know I'm predictable, but I would like "3.) Smut Smut Smut Smutty Smut Smut" Pretty please

OH WOW GO FIGURE 🤣

Tbh I couldn't even remember what it was until I clicked on it just now, haha. It's just a few scenes of cute smut between Joel and Benny that I never got to fit in anywhere. Have a snip:

It was only then that she caught his reflection in the mirror – and she paused, momentarily stunned. “I’m sorry – what are those?” She spun around immediately, her surprise morphing quickly into a wide-eyed grin.

Joel Miller, a man seasoned by the salt of a lifetime's worth of judgments, rarely tasted the tang of bashfulness. He'd spent his entire childhood being ridiculed by his peers for his threadbare clothes, his unruly hair, and the rust-bucket cars of his later youth – and his adulthood came with a whole different type of judgment, other adults (usually the parents of Sarah’s classmates, who were mostly older than he was) looking down their noses at his perpetual lack of everything (money, time, patience). And yet it rarely touched him, this prickling self-consciousness. But this was different somehow; his wife’s gaze, wide and shimmering with disbelief, suddenly a spotlight on something he didn’t know he was insecure about until this very moment. Heat crept up his neck, a brushfire warming his cheeks. He snapped the book shut, letting it fall flat in his lap.

“Don’t start,” he warned her, but his tone lacked bite. She edged closer to his side of the bed, one delicate hand tracing along the edge of the quilt. 

“Don’t start what?” Her voice was practically bursting with glee. “Where did you get those?”

“Tommy gave ‘em to me.” He shifted uncomfortably against his pillow, his fingertips brushing the black frames of his reading glasses. “Saw me squintin’ at the patrol log today, figured I could use 'em. Look, I’ll just –” With a sigh, he reached to remove the glasses, but her hand darted out, landing on his wrist. She perched herself on the bed’s edge right next to him, the mattress, worn and welcoming, dipping gently beneath her thighs. “You don’t…have to,” she drawled, and she met the tired raise of his eyebrow with a widening grin. “Why don’t you keep them on?” "Keep them on for…how long, exactly?" he huffed. Her hand drifted away from his wrist, traveling down until it could slide along the top of the quilt, running along his thigh. A shiver ran down his spine, her nimble fingers edging closer –

"Until I say you can take them off," she answered simply, and then she moved quickly; almost before he could react she swung her legs over the side of the bed and grabbed his book, tossing it to the nightstand so she had more room to straddle him – which she did, enthusiastically, as he groaned in surprise, her fingers already winding around the back of his head and threading through his gray curls. “Don’t tell me this is what does it for you,” he scoffed. She moved her hips against him, pressing against the length growing into the front of his sweatpants, and he immediately groaned. His hands found purchase along her thighs, following her purposeful movements. “I look like an old man.”

“Whatever you say, Mr. Miller,” she purred, her voice syrup-sweet, batting her eyelashes in a clumsy imitation of someone far younger and more doe-eyed than she actually was – a performance so exaggerated it felt like she was mocking the act of flirting itself. Joel snorted in amusement, the sound rumbling through his chest.

“No. We ain’t doin’ that,” he sighed, shaking his head. “S’weird.”

“I have an idea about some extra credit I can earn.”

“I got concerns about the teachers you grew up with.”

[wonderlandleighleigh]

96 Thoughts while rewatching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Pilot.

1. Midge graduated college early, got married and had her first kid in like a year and a half holy shit girl.

2. That fat joke not great. But ASP is ASP.

3. monogrammed butter pads. Like Disney World!

4. lol the bleaching.

5. Why did the man have to be Joel?

6. Midge why was Joel a gift from god? He was not. He was not a gift from god, the best thing he did for you was help you recognize Lenny when you eventually got thrown in the same cop cruiser.

7. The airplane gluuuueeeeee lol

8. The suit they put Luke in is too big on purpose, to try and make him look older and less attractive and it uh...doesn’t work.

9. Against a tree. Ugh. Not comfortable.

10. “we’re very happy” I love Abe so much.

11. So many angry Jews about shrimp.

12. YOU SHOW ME WHERE IN THE BIBLE WHERE GOD SAYS YOU CAN’T EAT SHRIMP.

13. I wish I lived where there was a dedicated butcher.

14. Poor Midge has no idea that she and Joel are skint because he hasn’t told her shit. God dammit.

15. Spending hours on that brisket. Hours to get it perfect.

16. He hates you, Joel, because you’re a terrible comedian and you don’t deserve a better time.

17. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” You’re gonna find out, asshole.

18. Penny Pann cannot use an electric pencil sharpener. She is so fucking dumb. How did she figure out sex if she couldn’t figure out- you know never mind.

19. The music slaps.

20. Remember that no matter how in love Joel is acting in this moment, he’s been fucking Penny for months.

21. MONTHS.

22. He winds up so angry about Midge handling everything for him, but he let her. He enjoyed it. He barely had to lift a finger.

23. Oh Susie.

24. Oh Midge.

25. I owe my soul to the company stooooooore

26. “I should be kissing the brisket!” Fuck you.

27. Jackieeeeeeeeeeeee

28. Blugh.

29. Blugh Joel.

30. Susie knows what’s up.

31. “I was great.” Holy fuck.

32. One standing ovation everyone goes home pregnant. lol

33. We’ve never met Aunt Bertha. I want to. I deserve Aunt Bertha.

34. Fuck, Midge’s routine is so brutal. Paranoidly staying awake until Joel drops off, and then doing her entire routine and sneaking back into bed. Getting up before the sun is up to redo her whole look and then pretending to be asleep. Jesus, not thank you.

35. COMPLETE WITH FAKE EYELASHES UGH.

36. She really thought this was supposed to be her life forever. That this was it.

37. Morning Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. E-

38. Rose and the forehead. Ugh. Just the - the physical expectations...so much yikes.

39. lol schnorror

40. Oh Imogene.

41. Again. The every day physical demands are insane. And Midge puts this on herself for the most part, but I do get the feeling that Joel...didn’t help.

42. “I made curry but I also ordered Chinese.” BITCH NO! NO! YOU MAKE DINNER HE EATS WHAT YOU COOKED WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT AND IF IT IS TRULY UNPALATABLE YOU ORDER OUT TOGETHER. God damn, the shit this woman would go through just to make this horrible man happy. Fuck’s sake.

43. Poor Midge, realizing that Joel is stealing material. Thinking at first that someone stole his stuff.

44. THERE IS AN ENTIRE ENORMOUS BOWL OF LEMONS ON THE TABLE! Are they wax? Jesus that’s so many.

45. “It’s fine, everybody does it.” Feh.

46. “When I found out June Friedman stole my meatloaf recipe I almost stabbed her in the eye with a fork.” Big Lorelai vibes.

47. “You’ll learn.” Fuck you, Joel.

48. Midge made another brisket when Baz asked for latkes....

49. Midge is never on time. Just FYI.

50. Joel not getting his way gets shitty. We start to see how terrible he is here. The cracks of her being berated for things she can’t control. Like ted the moth.

51. He’s not a comedian, Midge.

52. LOL Susie. “THE CLEARYS ARE HERE?!”

53. The jerkoff motion lol. Love it.

54. Who here likes Hillbilly polka?! Me! I do!

55. SPOKANE!

56. Watching Joel bomb is rough. I absolutely hate this scene. If there’s one thing this show does well, it’s showing people bomb. And how bad it can be. It really is like chewing tin foil. Like nails on a chalkboard.

57. No one cares about your holey sweater, asshole. You cannot tell a joke.

58. It is so hard to watch. It is so hard to watch. Holy shit. Holy shit just stop stop Joel stop no no no no no no no no no.

59. And of course he blames Midge for his bad performance. Everything is her fault. He cannot take responsibility for his lack of talent. It has to be her fault.

60. And she’s trying to be supportive. She’s trying to be kind about this. And he’s just...awful.

61. Like i get that this was a bad night for him, but his lack of ability to deal with his life is atrocious.

62. And he’s leaving her because suddenly this isn’t what he wants, even though he’s been relying on her for their whole marriage. He loves it when things go right. He cannot deal when things don’t go his way.

63. “Nobody’s happy, it’s Yom Kippur.”

64. “he was in Buchenwald, throw him a bone!” lol I love this line. It’s a particular bit of very Jewish gallows humor that’s hard to come by in pop culture, and it’s what sold me on the show when I watched it for the first time.

65. She had no idea this was actually his dream. He never told her. They never talked about his dreams, or her wants. They don’t talk to each other.

66. BECAUSE YOU KILLED IT. It’s true.

67. “Do you know what a dream is?” What a terrible - god dammit.

68. YOU NEVER TALK TO HER ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU NEVER TALK AND SO SHE HAS NO IDEA! You fucking asshole. God damn. 

69. You cannot expect your partner to know everything without telling them. That’s just moving the goal posts around day after day. Jesus.

70. “I will be better. I will do better.” Poor Midge. god dammit.

71. He is so awful. I cannot believe I sit through scenes of this terrible man. He is the fucking worst. And he has been from fucking jump, and he’s only gotten marginally better.

72. “SO YOU”LL TELL YOUR PARENTS FOR ME?!” WHAT THE FUCK!

73. Joel Maisel is the WoooOOOOooOOOOOOooorst!

74. “I’m sorry.” You’re not sorry at all.

75. Though I think that was the only time he ever really said it.

76. I love how much Abe loves television.

77. “What did you do?” Ugh. Ugh.

78. “That was about deli, too.” lol

79. omg Rose. Her character development is amazing.

80. “You cannot survive this.” Yeah she can.

81. Girl I’d get drunk too.

82. favorite gif:

83. It’s a Pyrex. My Pyrex.

84. Joel did not want to be challenged. He wanted to be coddled.

85. Midge her shirt was on inside out because she put it back on after fucking your husband girl.

86. THEM TITTIES

87. LENNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

88. For how much of an unforgiving hardass Susie can be, she also is very sympathetic to Midge when she’s falling apart

89. One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant.

90. lol eating chips on Yom Kippur mood.

91. 10 in the morning?!

92. You’re not my wife.

93. Their chemistry from jump was just amazing. He was only supposed to be a bit part and...yeah. They just...the way they look at each other, even from the beginning.

94. And she just waits patiently for him to finish his schtick. She knows he’s just gotta work through his little song and dance to get to her answer. They have a rhythm from the beginning.

95. THE FUCK BOY SHRUG.

96. Yeah. He loves it.

[cowgurrrl]

okay but, going back to rockstar!joel cameoing in some of his wife's projects that he's in, it made me wonder 👀: even if his character/cameo had a few scenes, would he and reader have do an intimate scene together? I do think that if they did, their fans would be like "OH! WOAH, they're going there" lol

lol I love this idea!! Realistically, probably not BUT good thing this is fanfiction and not reality

Let’s say Joel starts ramping up his acting career just a little bit and gets cast in the same project as you!! In the first table read, he’s incredibly nervous but you’re right there to support him and everything is going great until he sees that your characters have a sex scene. Normally, Joel has absolutely no problem showing a little PDA but this is something entirely different.

I feel like Joel would be SO nervous about it and you explain the whole thing with the intimacy coordinators and what not and then you’re like “and if you’re still not comfortable, you don’t have to do it” and he’s like “NO nope no it’s okay I’ll do it” and I totally see like on the day of shooting, it’s a closed set and you’re reassuring Joel that it’s safe and you can rely on each other throughout the scene while giving him an out the entire time but he trusts you and he trusts the directors and intimacy coordinators. Even though you’re married and it felt a little silly to be choreographing the actions, he’s grateful that he knows what to do when the director calls action.

The tension and his nervousness makes the scene feel too stiff but that all breaks when he accidentally trips over the rug and almost takes you down with him— the laughter a welcome reprieve. After that, it’s easy. The director even joking “we should always cast married couples” once she calls cut. It’s fun and natural and neither of you are protesting at getting paid to be stupidly in love. Even filming the morning after scene where you’re both laying half-naked in bed is fun. In between takes, you take a silly video of the crew around you before turning the camera and showing you and Joel in bed with wide eyes. He tucks you into him when you complain about being cold and you two discuss dinner plans for the week.

When the trailer comes out for the project and the clip of your scene gets shown, PEOPLE FREAK THE FUCK OUT and it grows once it actually comes out. Fan reactions range from hysterical to dramatic to “OH THEY REALLY DID THIS” when you get asked about it in interviews, you’re normally with Joel and you pretend to be scandalized and cover your eyes when the scene gets shown. “We, obviously, have very lovely and talented intimacy coordinators and directors who helped guide us through this scene and their relationship but, yeah, it just felt really natural and fun.” You say before looking to Joel. “What did you think about the scene?” A little blush creeps up his neck and you laugh as he giggles. “I thought it was really coooool,” he says and you both burst out laughing. “But honestly, like she said, the team was great and it was a really welcomin’ environment so any concerns I had got addressed and, I mean, it’s not every day you get paid to make out with your gorgeous wife so I’m definitely in the right place”

Plus some fun instagram stories about it because why not :-)

[curlytheintrovert]

My Favorite Papa Joel Moments (Pt.8): The Finale!

🦠 It’s the sweetest, most tragic thing that while Ellie is so closed off, Joel is so open. He’s trying so unbelievably hard to get her out of her PTSD head space…and it’s kills me how little it helps. Joel has finally accepted his role as her dad, he’s raw and heartfelt, his voice and mannerisms are even softer, but Ellie is just gone. (And Joel openly talking about Sarah?! It’s such a testament to how he’s opened himself for Ellie) It’s not until the giraffe scene that we see Ellie come out from the darkness, which shows how heart shattering it is that Joel’s sweet attempts has been so ineffective. And even when Joel’s happily looks at her laughing, he pauses and looks heartbroken, like he knows. It’s clearly what compels him to try and convince her they don’t have to go through with the plan for a cure. He doesn’t want her to break anymore than she already has, showing how he has always prioritized Ellie’s emotional well-being.

🦠 For how emotional and devastating this series has been, Joel’s confession was the one moment that really made me tear up. Joel admitting to trying to commit suicide explains EVERYTHING about his character. It gave a full, complete picture of him in a way that’s breath taking. Sarah, and in turn fatherhood, truly was his purpose—when he lost both of them something fractured. And it fractured so hard he wanted to die. He loves hard and it explains so fucking beautifully why he tried so hard to push Ellie away at first. It explains why he’s capable of ruthless murder. It explains why he’s so closed off. And it explains why loving and protecting Ellie felt like his downfall. Joel already lived through his downfall once, and he lived in the miserable aftermath for years and years. But when he says “It wasn’t time that did it” and his eyes just shine with love, it reinforced to me why a suicide attempt makes so much sense on his part: He’s hopelessly devoted to and in love with his children.

🦠 Joel’s binge killing through the hospital…there are no words. When I rewatched it a second time it brought me to tears. In my previous pt. 7 post I addressed how bone chilling Pedro’s performance at Lakeside is when he’s silent and flat eyed. And that exact same look occupies his face throughout the entire scene. It’s terrifying. I don’t even know if I see this man blink. The way it’s shot is cinematically perfect: the tragic music, how you don’t fully see rebels faces and sound is muffled. We are in Joel’s head space, we live in it more than we ever have. But the music really makes you understand how horrific it is…your heart breaks for the rebels but also for Joel too. He loves his daughter so much that he doesn’t see people, he doesn’t feel anything, it’s just Ellie. That’s all there is for him. Honestly my favorite shot of the entire show is the bullet casings falling around his eerily steady, calm footsteps. Like his humanity is crumbling one bullet, one life, at a time…Yet the best parallel is the distinct way Joel carries Ellie, and by extension Saran, bridal style through a similarly horrific situation, but this time he redeemed himself no matter the cost.😭 He saved his girl!

🦠 Now for the ethical question everyone will be discussing: Did Joel do the right thing? My favorite thing in the tlou podcast is when Neil talked about the test players for the game and their thoughts on the ending. It was a 50/50 chance for those without kids and 100% of those with kids agreed with Joel’s choice. I personally am a parent and am completely in agreement! As a parent there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for your child and it’s painted so beautifully in this episode. Joel killing and lying to keep her alive would have seemed like nothing compared to losing her, and I uncomfortably have to agree. No parent should be excepted to just accept their child’s death (and especially if you knew you had the capability to stop it!) I’m so sad but so interested to see where our favorite tragic father-daughter duo will go from here…season 2 is gonna be a doozy!

[joels6string]

hey bestie i just finished watching the gameplay of tlou2 (don’t have a console rip) and like. i knew everything that happened but. fuck my fucking life that shit is so goddamn sad. i’m now a neil druckmann hate acct i refuse to accept that as reality. i live in a world where joel and ellie got to watch that movie together. i cannot stop crying

No one hates Joel Miller more than Neil Druckmann and he makes that more obvious as years go on. I’m convinced Abby is just a carbon copy of him.

Besides the fact he basically completely undoes Joel’s entire redemption arc with his terrible story by making everyone hate him and then having him be a person that cares about other people again finally all for that to be his demise, but that shit is so depressing on every single level, for every single character. It’s just trauma porn at that point. There’s no hope, no nothing. Tommy is divorced, Joel is dead, Ellie loses fingers, Dina and JJ, and everyone else she ever cared about (aka her worst fear!). It’s just trash from start to finish minus the museum scene and Joel with his gee-tar.

It’s no wonder people tore apart TLOU1 and made him change it lmfao. Cause if not we get shit like that.

People keep talking about wanting part 3 and no thanks. I’m good. He should never touch those characters again except for his shitty adaptation where he gets to ruin them all over again in new ways now.

[redrisingsun]

no but Joel is really just doing his best as a father in the beginning. like, yeah, he teases Sarah and “makes” her go to the Adlers and come back home late and ditches to save Tommy in the middle of the night but. he really just does everything to make her feel loved and happy.

if she took his money that’s entirely okay, and he makes sure she knows that. if she goes to the Adlers she won’t be all alone when he’s working. if she’s asleep, he makes sure to carry her to bed and doesn’t wake her up because she deserves to sleep.

the thigh-slap-dance-thing when he gets his gifts? every dad does that. “ohhhh this movie!!!” about the worst movie you have ever watched ever but you put up with it because it’s your dad. the cuddle and falling asleep on his lap? been there, done that.

and the scene where she’s shot? that is the most Dad™️ thing I have ever seen. not that he tries to stop the bleeding as much as the “I know it hurts, baby, I’m sorry”-talk. i have a terrible relationship to my dad, but my stepdad always did the exact same thing when me and my brother were younger (not that we were ever shot, but i think you know where i’m coming from).

tldr: Joel is the most dad to ever dad. the acting is phenomenal and Joel and Sarah’s relationship feel so natural. and i’m saying this as someone who has lived alone with my father sometimes for weeks at a time i wish we had gotten more of them and can’t wait for him to go apeshit crazy for Ellie <3