#that's the native german speaker coming through whoops

[airenyah]

"I will kiss you" (threatening) - A Meta on Ayan's Flirting

I feel like in BL there's sometimes these characters who'll immediately make flirty comments to their love interest from the start (often even before the characters have really connected) just because it’s a BL and needs romance and flirting by force of genre.

And that usually tends to annoy me bc it often just feels so forced, but this time I absolutely LOVED Ayan’s flirty behaviour towards Akk all throughout episode 1. Because unlike most BL characters, Ayan isn’t being flirty for the sake of being flirty. Neither is he trying to make Akk fall in love with him. No, on the contrary: all his flirty behavior is a strategy with the aim of getting rid of Akk.

Hold on, I’m gonna elaborate. (And buckle up, because this is going to be long.)

So, the series immediately establishes the two opposing characters:

Akk – the rule keeper

Ayan – the rule breaker

We immediately know there is going to be a conflict of interests between them and that the story will take us to them resolving this issue.

Part 1: Teachers’ Bathroom scene

I want to start with the scene in the teachers’ bathroom. Yes, I know Ayan doesn’t actually make a flirty comment in that scene but I think it’s still an interesting scene to take a look at as it’s their very first interaction and introduces us to their dynamic in this episode. And what is their dynamic? Well, Ayan is just minding his own business and it’s Akk who keeps bugging him, threatening him, attacking him, never leaving him alone. Which leaves Ayan in a position where he has to defend himself.

We immediately get introduced to this pattern in the scene in the teachers’ bathtroom. Although really we have to go all the way back to the car accident. As it’s only been one episode, we as viewers don’t yet know what Ayan was really doing and whether he had a hand in the accident or not, but for now we can assume he was minding his own business and definitely wasn’t bothering Akk personally. It’s Akk who spots him and immediately has it out for Ayan, running after him, following him all the way to the toilets and snapping at Ayan for breaking a school rule first thing as soon as he’s caught up to him.

This is “attack” no. 1, initiated by Akk. However, Ayan remains completely unimpressed and sasses back. So Akk “attacks” again: “Why aren’t you wearing your school uniform?”

Ayan is still not having any of this “you gotta follow the rules” shit, so he firmly informs Akk that he has no interest in doing so. With that, the conversation is over for Ayan and he pushes Akk aside to exit the bathroom.

However, Akk isn’t yet done with the conversation, so he starts round 3 of “attacks”, trying to establish his authority as a school prefect.

So once again Ayan is forced to defend himself against Akk who just won't leave him alone. He does so by getting sassy again and bringing up the car accident from earlier.

Three times Akk was bothering Ayan, three times Ayan needed to find a way to make Akk lay off him. This is a pattern, that will follow us throughout the episode.

Part 2: “Catch me if you can”

Now here is where the flirting starts.

Turns out that Ayan will be in the same class as Akk and Akk immediately requests that Ayan shares a desk with him. Thanks to the incident in the teachers’ bathroom Ayan is very well aware that Akk’s offer didn’t come out of the goodness of his heart, but Ayan accepts the seat nevertheless. And Akk doesn’t plan on hiding his intentions anyway. In fact, he very explicitly threatens Ayan: “Whatever you’re here for, I’ll be watching you. Keep that in mind.”

This absolutely is an attack on Ayan’s boundaries of personal space, and now Ayan’s had enough. You wanna get all up in my personal space? Fine, two can play at that game.

I love how you can just see the moment he takes the decision to play when that tiny smile that forms on his face.

And what does he do?

He puts his hand on Akk’s thigh, turning Akk's threat into a challenge: “Catch me if you can.”

And it works. Akk is quick to push Ayan’s hand off, looking kinda uncomfortable. Ayan smiles smugly. He's won. And now he’s got a weapon against Akk.

Part 3: “You punch me once. I kiss you once.”

The scene starts out with Ayan about to enter the school. He’s standing there, minding his own business, lost in thought when–

Akk strikes again. Still bugging Ayan about the school uniforms. Ayan, rather annoyed, retaliates by questioning Akk’s world views. This pisses Akk off and he aggressively grabs Ayan’s collar.

It’s the first incident of physical violence between them and it’s initiated by Akk. Even Ayan calls him out on it: “Is the rule keeper breaking the rule by using violence against me now?”

And seeing as Ayan definitely didn’t like having violence used against him, he launches into a counterattack. However, he doesn't punch back, he doesn't use violence in return. No. Ayan has just figured out a weapon and he’s going to use it: “You punch me once. I kiss you once.”

Weaponized flirting. We love to see it.

Anyway, he makes some kissy faces at Akk to really drive home his point, trying to get Akk to let go of his hoodie. And while Akk isn’t pushing Ayan away, it still works insofar that Akk completely freezes. He goes into error 404 mode and finally shuts up.

Then the school announcement calling all the prefects cuts through, which pulls Akk out of error mode and makes him look away towards the school. He still hasn’t let go of Ayan, though, and when Akk turns back, Ayan is still leaning closer, challenging him. Now that Akk is able to move again, he finally pushes Ayan away. He finally lets go of Ayan's collar, resulting in a satisfied smile on Ayan’s face.

Ayan has the upper hand. Akk can’t quite accept defeat just yet and threatens violence again: “If I didn’t get called, you’d get hurt.” But as usual, Ayan is not impressed and only taunts him: “What a shame. You just missed a kiss from me.”

This exchange keeps going for a bit, with Akk threatening violence while Ayan keeps behaving aggressively flirty:

Akk: “What a jackass! You’ll have to deal with me one day.” Ayan: “Bring it on. Right here. Right now.” Akk: “Shut up. Don’t you think I wouldn’t hit you.”

With that last sentence Akk gets physical again, pulling Ayan’s hood with force, still not leaving Ayan alone.

So Ayan doubles down. He plays it cool, stands his ground and gets even more into Akk's space than before: this time, he’s the one grabbing Akk by his collar, pulling him closer as he goes “I just love people who are cocky.”, blowing another kiss at Akk for good measure.

This time Akk doesn’t freeze but pushes Ayan away immediately and walks off.

Ayan has won. And to rub salt into the wound, Ayan calls after Akk again to make one last kissy face at him.

You can tell it’s a strategy, because Ayan completely drops his flirty demeanor as soon as Akk is out of sight and goes straight back to business, back to where he was before Akk had interrupted him.

Part 4: Ayan writing into his notebook

I was actually gonna skip this because not much is happening here. But in the end I did quickly want to point out that here we have once again the pattern of Ayan minding his own business (writing into his notebook) and Akk interrupting him (showing up with his friends, bugging Ayan about not being in class). Ayan defends himself with a sassy comment. Lucky for Ayan, Akk and his friends leave shortly after that as they get distracted with prefect duties. Ayan doesn’t get flirty with Akk in this scene, since Akk doesn’t bother him long enough for Ayan to be forced to bring out the flirty weapons in order to get rid of Akk.

Part 5: notice board scene

This scene is actually kinda funny, bc Ayan’s flirt-to-get-rid-of-Akk strategy works, but entirely on accident.

Anyway, let’s start from the beginning. Ayan is minding his own business as usual, looking at the flyers on the notice board when Akk (who followed Ayan after class) disturbs his peace again, this time by getting physical right away, grabbing Ayan’s shoulder and turning him around while asking “What do you think you’re doing?”

Ayan is startled and you can see how for a moment he tries to figure out what to do.

In the end he decides to stay friendly, telling Akk somewhat of a truth: “Just looking at these leaflets. They’re interesting.” But in the end Ayan can’t help himself but irritate Akk just a little bit after all. “The World Remembers gang is so cool. The next Hyde Park is going to be so much fun.”

This irritates Akk indeed, who snaps at Ayan: “Don’t you even think about joining them.”

Ayan retaliates by implying feelings. “Are you worried about me? Are you afraid i’d be cursed like them?”

This starts an argument between the two of them. Akk voices his suspicions of Ayan, Ayan questions Akk's views on rules, Akk isn’t having it and deflects with “Who sent you to mess with this school?”

And this is where it gets funny. Because this comment makes Ayan roll his eyes and then he’s ready to get into some more arguing… except he suddenly notices Akk’s tilted pin and gets distracted. He’s like hold on, I really gotta fix that before we can continue our argument, but what he doesn’t expect is that this first moment of genuine connection, this first display of care overwhelms Akk. Akk quickly leaves the scene. You can tell that Ayan didn’t mean to fix the pin in an attempt to get rid of Akk from the way he watches Akk walk away with a confused face all like Huh?? Weren’t we in the middle of a fight just now?? Aren’t we going to argue some more??

Compare this with how smug he's looked so far whenever he was flirting on purpose.

Part 6: Foreign Language Department Scene

Ayan is off doing his own thing again, looking around the foreign language department and actually acting kinda shady for a change. Akk finds him in the hallway and calls out to him: “What are you doing? What are you doing here?”

For once, Akk isn’t just a minor annoyance in Ayan’s life but rather in that moment Akk’s appearance is very inconvenient for Ayan. He needs Akk gone asap, so instead of arguing or making up an excuse Ayan immediately launches into a flirt-attack, so that Akk will leave quickly as he’s done all these times before. “You’ve been following me everywhere. Are you into me, prefect?”

Spoiler alert: this time this strategy won’t work.

See, the thing is that Akk actually kinda is into Ayan now, whether Akk is aware of it or not. He’s been obsessing over Ayan all episode, constantly searching for him, researching him, thinking of him, getting close to him. And then the pin. Something happened to Akk when Ayan tried to fix the tilted pin, and it affected Akk so much, to the point where he couldn’t focus on his homework while the uniform with the pin was still in sight.

Plus, by now Akk has also gotten used to Ayan’s flirty comments. They don’t hit him out of nowhere anymore.

So when Ayan asks if Akk is into him, he does take a moment, still unsure how to deal with it, but he doesn’t look very surprised or shocked.

He swallows, and then decides he won’t be backing off. In fact, he even takes a little step closer to Ayan when he says “I’m not a friend you can play with.”

Ayan still needs Akk gone, though, so he tries again: “Do you think of me as more than a friend, then?”

And Akk falls back into his old habit of threatening violence again. And it’s actually pretty funny because he tells Ayan “If you don’t shut that foul mouth, it will get punched by me.” knowing full well Ayan said he would kiss Akk if Akk were to punch him. And Akk's saying this in the context of something LGBT having already happened to him during the pin-fixing moment, too. (Wanting and asking for a kiss much @Akk? lol)

So we get this bit of fun dialogue where they’re partly bickering and arguing, partly trying to win superiority over the other (Ayan needs superiority so that Akk will leave, Akk needs superiority so Ayan will comply to the rules and respect his status as a school prefect) and partly genuinely flirting while also slowly moving closer and closer into each other’s physical space as both of them refuse to back down.

Ayan: “Do you think of me as more than a friend then?” Akk: “If you don’t shut that foul mouth, it will get punched by me. You’re small but talk so big.” Ayan: “I’m small and what? What can a big guy like you do to me?” Akk: “I can do more than you think.” Ayan: “Do you even know what I’m thinking?”

It’s only when someone walks past that Akk pushes Ayan away. However, Akk doesn’t leave, not this time. He stays right there in order to continue arguing and to continue bugging Ayan: “What are you doing in a teacher’s room this hour?”

I know I just said something about them “genuinely flirting” while the entire point of this post has been all about how Ayan’s flirting is a strategy to get rid of Akk. Let me tell you, there’s no contradiction here, though. I said what I said. While their little exchange from above might have ended with an air of genuine flirting, the reason why Ayan started flirting in the first place was definitely to make Akk leave. And how do we know? By what comes after.

Because during that little exchange from just now Ayan learns that the flirting is no longer working. Akk isn’t backing down, he’s not running away this time. So as soon as their bickering is interrupted and Akk starts the entire argument anew by asking Ayan what he’s doing there, Ayan drops the act and changes his strategy. From then on Ayan doesn’t make a single flirty comment to Akk for the rest of the scene and tries different things instead.

First he tries a believable excuse, claiming that he's seeking advice from an English teacher. This strategy doesn't work either, because Akk calls bullshit on this claim and doesn't believe him. They bicker, then Ayan brings up the flower pot and the school curse to rile Akk up. Ayan also insults the school, which pisses Akk off and he falls back onto physical violence again, aggressively grabbing Ayan’s collar, pulling him closer and snapping at him.

Akk continues to ask “Seriously, what did the school members ever do to you? What did we do to you? Why are you ruining our reputation?”

And now Ayan is angry. Instead of trying to make Akk leave, Ayan now shoves off Akk’s hand and walks away himself.

In conclusion:

All throughout Ep. 1 Ayan was flirting with Akk with the purpose of pushing Akk away. And I cannot WAIT to see him go from

“I will kiss you” (threatening)

to

[valkyrieofsmut]

Starting with an accidental encounter  part 16

Kurt Wagner x Non mutant! OC

Types: Smut. All smut. Romance, too. Maybe some angst?

Overall series warnings: Smut. Always smut. Anxiety, panic attacks, bit of violence, swearing, sexual harassment in one chap, German (translations provided, but I have bad grammar… Sorry native speakers…) (can’t remember any more at the moment)

A/n- Um... I really wanted this to be out on time, but seriously, the only reason Gargoyle’s Angel came out on time this week is because it was already scheduled lol. I’ve been sick for the last week, and mostly either asleep, or wishing I was asleep, so I have a bunch of stuff to catch up on. I am working on it, though!   Lacy is a bit, shall we say, afraid, and says some things she shouldn’t when someone comes back to visit the mansion. Kurt is a big soft teddy bear... Think that’s it! Oh, also, I didn’t have enough time to check with my German fact/ word checking friends about the Spaetzle... I just remember eating eating it with only lemon and getting laughed at, and that it’s usually eaten with gravy?... So chime in if it’s not as weird as I remember... lol

Series masterlist     Masterlist

Story!

Lacy closed the file she was working on, finally done, and attached it to an email to Luis with the rest of her work from the week, then rolled over and tossed her headphones back to the laptop.

She looked out of the window, missing when Kurt would come to it and tap gently, as though worried to wake her. She realized she was smiling and quickly turned it to a frown. She didn’t want to miss him. She wanted to be mad at him. It was just hard to do when he called her every day begging for forgiveness.

The phone rang and she turned to look at it as Kurt’s voice filled the area around it. “I have to say it zhis time, Lacy. I vant to be vizh you. I’m having trouble sleeping. All I can zhink about is how stupid I vas and vhat I can do to make it up to you. You should tell me, Lacy, anyzhing you can zhink of, anyzhing zhat vill make it hurt less, even zhe tiniest zhing… Even if you vant me to turn myself in to zhe senator… I vill do it for you…”

He took a breath. “I hope zhat’s not vhat you vant, but… Ach, Lacy… Please zhink about it; us, I mean, our relationship… I remember, vhen you cooked zhose brats, remember?” Lacy nodded her head slightly, even though he couldn’t see. “Vhen you had zhat panic attack… Remember you zhought I’d leave? I told you zhat you’d have to try harder…” Lacy looked at the phone, knowing it was about to cut out. “You still do, because- Lacy- I’ll do anyzhing it takes for you to forgive me-”

“- because I zhink I love you,” Kurt finished, knowing the machine had cut him off before the words had left his lips. “Schisse!” He threw the phone on his bed and ran his hands through his hair. “Schisse,” he cursed again.

He’d finally worked up the courage to say it over the phone, knowing that she’d most likely have a panic attack and he wasn’t there to comfort her, and the stupid machine cut him off. He paced his floor for a moment, then took the phone back down stairs, glaring at it.

“Having an argument with inanimate objects?” Kitty asked, pausing in the doorway.

Kurt looked up. “I guess…. Her machine cut me off, just as I vas saying-” He sighed, running his hand through his hair again. “Just as I vas saying how I feel…”

“Rough,” she said. “Why don’t you come watch old romantic movies with me?” He raised a brow at her. “I’ve been thinking a lot about Piotr lately,” she told him softly.

Kurt went with her into the rec room and shared the tub of ice cream sitting on the table.

.

Lacy laid awake that night, wondering what Kurt had been about to say. It was obvious that it wasn’t the end of his sentence, but he hadn’t called back to finish, which meant he probably didn’t think it was something that should be said over the phone. She tossed and turned, but couldn’t fall asleep.

.

Lacy looked up from the book she was holding as the phone rang, knowing it was Kurt. “Your lips,” he said. “Vhen you smile. Vhen you laugh. Vhen you’re sleeping. Zhey open just a little, and, it makes me vant to kiss you… Your eyes, vhen you look at me, vhen you hear a joke, vhen you’re excited… Zhey shine- glow, really. It lights up zhe room… Your nose, vhen you’re zhinking and you viggle it, like zhe voman on Bevitched… Zhe vay your hair falls in your face vhen you lean over and you brush it out of zhe vay… Sometimes I zhink you do it on purpose, because it alvays catches my attention… Vhen you have it up, or down, or just in a ponytail… Zhe vay you chuckle and smile vhen ve vatch tv and zhere’s a joke… Your fingers, vhen zhey hold my hand… Your skin… It’s so soft vhen I run my hands over you…”

The machine beeped as it cut him off, and Lacy felt the tears growing in her eyes.

He called a few more times over the next few days, listing things he liked about her, the things he liked doing with her, the way he felt when she smiled, or looked at him…

Lacy had trouble trying to stay mad at him.

It was a little after she’d sent her email of work for the week when the phone rang. “I love zhe vay you bite your lip vhen you smile,” Kurt told her, sounding heart broken. “And how you brush your hair out of your face, but leave it vhen it falls back… Zhe vay you look at me vhen you zhink I’m not looking… I hope you haven’t lost zhat… If I could go back in time… tell myself not to be an idiot… just remember vhat I know is true… Lacy I- I-” He sighed and was silent for a moment.

“I love how you care about mutants, vorrying about zhem vhen I tell you vhat I do on missions, zhen pull me close and wrap my arms around you, comfort me vhen I tell you vhat happens… I vish I could see you right now… I vould wrap my arms around you and hold you close… Tell you about how I did somezhing so stupid I can’t sleep… beg for forgiveness…” He trailed off and Lacy could hear that he was near tears.

She bit her lip as she picked up the phone and laid on the bed, looking at it.

“I vould tell you zhat I- ... I love zhat you vear only zhe smallest amount of makeup so zhat I can see vhat you really look like…” He sighed. “Zhe machine is going to hang up on me again…” He didn’t say anything for a moment.

Lacy hit the talk button and laid there silently for a moment as he waited for the machine to hang up. “What else?” She asked softly.

“Lacy?” Kurt asked hopefully.

“What else do you like?” She asked him.

Kurt sighed, sounding like he’d just been relieved of a great pain. “I love hearing your voice. It’s been too long since I’ve heard it… Say somezhing else?” He asked tentatively.

“What else would you say to me?” She asked quietly.

“I vould tell you how beautiful you are,” he said, and she let out an almost inaudible snort. “You are, Lacy. Remember, vhen you came over here, und I made you admit it?” He asked, and she could hear the smile on his lips. “I have a hard time forgetting vhen I lay here… Zhe vay you smell, and zhe softness vhen I hold you close,” he paused as he smiled again. “It makes me feel… I don’t know vhat zhe vord is, Lacy. I just know zhat if I vas zhere, I vould tell you- I- if I vas zhere I vould say it…” He was silent, listening to her breathing.

“What would you say?” She asked.

Kurt hesitated. “I- I vant to tell you face to face. It vill be besser.”

Lacy was quiet for a moment, just laying on the bed with the phone to her ear. “Kurt… I have to go…”

“Vait, Lacy… I- I, ah… Bitte, let me hear your voice again, so I can remember it until next time?” He asked softly.

“Kurt… I think I still need some time… I’m sorry…” She told him.

Kurt closed his eyes. “I- I… Ok, Lacy. G-goodnight,” he whispered.

“Try to get some sleep,” she told him, holding back the choking feeling in her throat.

"I'll try, for you," he whispered.

…    …   …   

Kurt paced his room, not paying attention to the dvd menu screen that had been showing for the last two hours on his tv.

He had managed to keep himself from calling Lacy for the past two days, but it had been hard, causing him to log an inordinate amount of hours in the danger room.

Finally, he couldn’t stand to stay in his room any longer, and opened the door, making his way outside. He walked through the gate and started down the street, wandering aimlessly.

Hours later, he returned to the mansion, running into Kitty in the kitchen. “Kurt! There you are! I was looking for you earlier. Where have you been?” She asked, pausing before hopefully asking, “with Lacy?” Kurt shook his head, sitting at the table. “You’re awfully quiet… What’s wrong? Still trying to give Lacy time?” He nodded and she put her arm around him. “It’s ok, Kurt… She’ll come around. She said she wouldn’t say she didn’t forgive you, and she answered the phone… That has to be something, right?”

He didn’t say anything.

…    …    …    

Nearly a week had passed, and Kurt was again wandering aimlessly around town.

The heavy, grey clouds finally broke, rain starting to fall. After a minute the downpour really started and he was drenched in minutes.

He decided to turn around and head back to the mansion, walking slowly.

.

Lacy grabbed her jacket, looking out the window to see how the rain had slowed to a light drizzle.

She started to the bus stop and rode it to the stop she needed, climbing off.

The bus pulled away, splashing her feet with the puddle that had accumulated. She sighed and shook her feet, but figured that she would be able to take her shoes off when she got where she was going.

Her eyes traveled over her surroundings, but she didn’t pay much attention, thinking instead about Kurt and how progressively tortured he’d sounded when he called. He had been so sad when she’d told him she needed more time, she could hear it in his voice.

She sighed again and continued down the sidewalk.

A car roared down the road, revving loudly and she turned to look, seeing a black sports car fly past, making a wave fly over her, soaking her as the jackass whooped and hollered as he roared away.

Lacy shook her arms off, glaring after the car.

.

Kitty sat in the kitchen with Logan, enjoying a plate of cookies dipped in hot chocolate. “So, then the guy thinks it’s like, this huge, heavy box, but then the magician pushes a button or something and it’s as light as air and he lifts it over his head with one hand. I don’t know, I guess it doesn’t sound like a lot but it looked-” She paused as they heard the door open and close. “Oh, Kurt must be back. Anyway, it looked really-” She cut off as a female head poked into the kitchen, short blond hair, green eyes, and a model like body following after.

“Hi, I thought I heard you in here, Kitty!” Logan’s hard stare settled on the woman and his jaw clenched as his eyes narrowed. “Logan, how’s it hangin’? Ok…” She mumbled at his silence. “Anyway, how are you, Kitty?”

“Fine,” she answered.

“How’s Kurt? I heard he got a hologram thingy, to hide himself so he can go out and stuff. Is he cute?”

“Yeah,” Kitty said, agitated. “What brings you here, Alissa?”

“Oh, you know, just have a meeting with the Professor, about the senator and stuff, you know.” Kitty nodded. “Is Kurt here?” Alissa asked.

“He’s out right now,” Kitty said, turning to Logan. “I hope he remembered an umbrella, he probably got soaked if not.”

“Yeah, he’ll have to take a shower,” Alissa agreed. “It smells like the river out there. Anyway, I have to get to my meeting,” she cheerfully chirped, turning and leaving.

“Did you hear her?” Kitty asked, disgusted. Logan grunted. “And asking about Kurt! Like she cares…” She turned to her drink and dropped a cookie in as her grip broke it while trying to dunk it.

The door opened again and Kurt wandered to the kitchen, pulling a drink from the fridge.

“Hi, Kurt- oh, yeah, it does smell like the river,” Kitty commented, covering her nose.

Kurt looked up, seeing them for the first time, though he’d walked past them. “Hi,” he answered softly, heading to the stairs.

Logan shook his head. “Elf just can’t keep from getting into trouble with women.”

Kurt chugged the soda as he walked up the stairs to his room. He threw the empty can in the garbage and peeled off his soaked clothes, tossing them into the basket in the corner after emptying his pockets.

He pulled his towels out and climbed into the shower.

Kitty ate the now lukewarm chocolate drenched cookie after fishing it out as silence filled the kitchen. “I hope Alissa leaves Kurt alone, hopefully she’ll be gone before he even finds out she’s here…” Logan grunted in agreement as there was a knock on the door. “Wow, we’re the most popular house on the block today,” Kitty declared as she stood and walked to the door. She opened it and saw Lacy standing on the step, looking like a drowned rat. “Oh my god, Lacy- I- what happened to you?”

“Some asshole thought I needed a bath and sped through a lake to do the honors,” she answered, trying to smile.

Kitty stepped back and let her in, taking her soaking coat. “Oh my- wow, I bet you’re soaked all the way through…”

“Yeah, kind of wondering about the hygienics of the water on me right now,” Lacy agreed.

“Well, let me take your coat and stuff… You should take a shower- sorry-”

“No, I know, it smells like the river,” Lacy agreed. “But I didn’t want to go home when I’d just gotten here…”

“Well, I’m sure that Kurt will let you use his shower again, and I’m sure I’ve got a sports bra or something, we’ve got some extra clothes around here, I’m sure… Um… Let’s go upstairs,” Kitty said, guiding her, wanting to get her out of sight incase Alissa came back. “Here you go,” she said as she handed Lacy a sports bra. “Sorry, we know my clothes won't fit you since you’re a bit taller than me.”

“It’s ok,” Lacy smiled. “I’m sure I can hide out in a towel or something until my stuff gets dry.”

“Yeah, and it’ll be no time at all, I mean just a rinse and dry shouldn’t take long,” Kitty rambled, knocking on Kurt’s door.

The door opened and Kurt stood there, dripping, in a towel from his shower and covered in blue fur.

Lacy blushed and looked down, missing the heartbroken eyes that drifted to her.

“Lacy!” He cried in shock. After days of trying not to call her, then calling her again with no answer, he hadn’t thought she’d just show up out of the blue. “Lacy, you’re here,” he murmured, still in awe.

She tilted her head uncertainly, still not looking at him.

“She needs to borrow your shower, too,” Kitty told him.

“Oh, ja, sure, of course, come in,” Kurt said, opening the door. He lead her to the bathroom and took her clothes through the door. “Please, take your time, use as much hot vater as you vant,” Kurt told her through the crack in the door. He heard the water start and pulled on some clothes after handing Lacy’s dripping things to Kitty. “Ah, dumm,” he muttered to himself, realizing that he’d used the towels on his own shower.

He made his way downstairs to grab some clean towels, heading past the kitchen where Kitty had settled again with Logan.

“I don’t know, Half-pint,” Logan said. “We can hope, but she seems to want to see him.”

“Maybe we can go up there and escort her out after their meeting- Oh, hi, Kurt,” Kitty suddenly and brightly called as she noticed Kurt standing in the doorway.

“Hallo,” he answered uncertainly. “Vhat are you guys talking about?”

“Nothing, right Logan?” Logan just grunted and took a swig from his bottle. “What are you doing down here?”

“I had to grab some towels for Lacy,” Kurt told her.

“Oh, well you should get those to her, she might need them by now,” she urged.

“Right…” Kurt agreed, still put off but her tone.

Lacy ran her fingers through her hair, rinsing out the shampoo she’d put in. ‘Why am I here?’ She asked herself, pulling a bottle of conditioner to her and pouring some into her hand. ‘Because Kurt isn’t a bad person,’ she thought. ‘He’s actually a good person… Like with saving people’s lives and everything...�� She sighed as she smoothed the conditioner through her hair. ‘And he’s human; everyone makes mistakes…’

She grabbed his scrubby poof and poured some body wash on it, starting to scrub the river smell from her body. ‘Even if what he said was stupid-’ Lacy’s thoughts cut off as she thought she heard a noise and peeked around the curtain. She watched for a minute, but nothing was there, and she didn’t hear any more noises, so she went back to the spray, watching the soap float down her as the water washed it away. ‘Besides, Doug is right; men do and say stupid things when they get nervous, especially when they-’ she had to pause for breath. ‘- like you... And... maybe... I like him... a lot... too...’ Lacy started rinsing the conditioner from her hair, trying to not focus on that thought.

“God knows how much stupid stuff I’ve said when a guy I feel threatened by gets close to a girl I like, more so when I’ve gotten up the courage to ask her out,” Doug’s words ran through her mind as she tried to focus on just getting the conditioner out of her hair.

Suddenly the shower curtain was pulled back and Lacy’s head snapped to see what was happening.

“Kurt!” The blond on the other side of the tub called. “What the hell, you’re not Kurt.”

“Uuuhhhh,” was the only coherent word Lacy could get through her lips.

“Alissa?” Kurt asked in shock from the doorway.

Lacy yanked the curtain closed, feeling her face turn the color of a tomato.

Kurt pulled the other girl out and set the towels on the counter. “I, ah, brought you some towels.” Kurt closed the door and turned to Alissa. “Vhat are you doing here?”

“Oh, well I was in the neighborhood, had to come see the Professor. I heard you got a little thingy so you can go outside,” she commented. “Thought I’d come see it,” she told him, putting her hand on his chest and smiling seductively.

“Alissa,” Kurt started, taking her hand from his chest.

“Aren’t you interested? I know you must have been so lonely without me,” she said, stepping closer.

“Alissa, I’m not-”

“Come on, Kurt, are you saying that you don’t miss our time together?”

Kurt almost shuddered to remember what they had done together, remembering how constrained and one sided it had felt with her versus how amazing and involved it was with Lacy. “Zhat is in zhe past, Alissa, I’m vizh somevone else,” he told her.

She raised a brow. “Who? That girl? In the shower?” She paused as she looked to the door and back. “Why, does she have one of those things, too?”

Kurt’s eyebrows met in confusion. “No, she is not a mutant,” he told her.

“Oh, so, you got that thing and then met her. You better hurry and put it back on, you don’t want her to see the real you.” She leaned against him, trying to rub her body against his. “But, you know, I had sex with you before you got that thing. I should get first dibs.”

Kurt pushed her away. “I met her before I got my image inducer. Alissa, please, stop, I like her,” he told her.

Alissa’s expression of simpering deepened. “Kurt, don’t you still want me? If it’s a question of looks, I’ll beat her, hands down, and powers, you said she’s not even a mutant. So what is it she has that you want? Haven’t you had her already? Don’t you want to come back?”

Lacy peeked through the crack in the door, looking out and getting the sliver of sight that the two of them were standing very close. “Um, excuse me, are my clothes done yet?” She asked, opening the door a little so they knew she was there.

“Ah, no, not yet,” Kurt answered, hurrying to his closet. “Aber, I zhink I have somezhing you can borrow…”

Lacy looked out at the other woman, her model’s body, short, blond hair, green eyes. She looked perfect, and a feeling twisted at Lacy’s stomach. How could Kurt not want this girl? Kurt handed a t shirt and a pair of sweatpants to her through the door and the other woman gave her a superior look before she started for the door. “I’m heading downstairs.”

Lacy took the clothes and closed the door, pulling on the things and tightening the cord on the pants so they didn’t fall down. She ran her fingers through her hair, gathering it all into a ponytail and making sure it looked ok.

Her fingers moved down to her stomach. Sure, her breasts were larger than that other girl’s, but she was chubbier, too, not model thin, and her hair didn’t have that glow of perfection, and her eyes seemed to fade into her face without liner and mascara on. She bit her lip, staring at herself for a moment before opening the door and stepping out.

“Ah, Lacy,” Kurt said, standing from the bed.

“H-hi…”

“S-sorry, zhat vas Alissa, she- has a habit of not caring for ozhers…” He looked away shyly, but his eyes found hers again. “Lacy, I’m so glad you’re here,” he told her, hesitantly stepping forward, not sure if she wanted him to be so close yet.

“Really?” She asked quietly.

“Ja,” he told her. “Of course, vhy vouldn’t I be?”

‘How about that perfection throwing herself at you, for one,’ she thought. Instead of speaking, she shrugged and looked away.

Kurt tried to smile. “Lacy, do you vant to go play some pool? I’m sure ve could get Kitty to join, maybe even Logan,” he suggested, knowing that she’d had fun playing pool the last time she was there.

“Sure,” she answered, and they walked through the door.

“Oh,” Kurt said, stopping. “I forgot my image inducer, incase ve vant to go out or anyzhing,” he told her. “I vill be right back.”

She slowly walked down the hall, getting to the top of the stairs and seeing the blond, Alissa, standing there against the wall.

“So, going after my sloppy seconds?”

“What?” Lacy asked.

“Oh, he didn’t tell you?” She asked coyly. “I’m Alissa. You know, maybe you should just go home. No offense or anything, just, you know, men fall in love with their first. And, that spot has already been taken, three years ago. By me.” Lacy stared at her in surprise. “Just thought I’d let you know.” Alissa straightened and made her way downstairs.

Kurt caught up to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Shall ve go down?”

Lacy turned to him. “Oh, yeah.”

They went down and stopped by the kitchen.

“Hey, Kitty, do you vant to play a game of pool vizh us?”

“Sure,” she answered, standing from her seat at the table and following them to the rec room.

They started a game, and Alissa asked to join in.

Lacy couldn’t help but notice how Alissa would look at Kurt, touching him in seemingly innocent ways as they passed around the table. She seemed to be rubbing it in, saying that she’d had Kurt first and that there was no way he’d want Lacy now that she was back. “Oh, sorry, Kurt,” Alissa’s voice floated to her as she scooted past him, her breast hitting his back.

Lacy gritted her teeth and didn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure if she should, since she wasn’t quite sure how her relationship with Kurt was right now; her refusing to answer the phone and all.

Maybe Alissa was right. 

She hadn’t been very nice to Kurt for the last month, even if he had said something that was stupid. As she’d thought in the shower, he was a good person, a nice person, who had been begging for forgiveness for a month. She cringed at the thought. She had been mad, and rightfully so, but maybe she’d taken her anger a bit far. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back,” she said to Kitty.

“What’s up?” Kitty asked.

“Just have to go to the bathroom,” Lacy said, turning to the couch. “Do you want to take my turn Logan? I might finally win a game,” she laughed.

Logan grumbled, but stood and took her cue so she could leave the room.

After she finished and washed her hands, Lacy was making her way back to the rec room, finishing drying her hands on the shirt, but as she passed a doorway, Alissa stood there.

“Hey,” she greeted. “Can I have a word with you?” Lacy paused and stepped closer. “In here,” she said, stepping into the room. 

Lacy followed her, seeing a room lit by night lights, looking much like an old fashioned parlor.

“So. You’ve already had sex with Kurt?” Alissa asked.

Lacy turned to the side, appalled by her sleeziness.

“So. Don’t you get bored? Tired of having to do all the work? You know, having to be on top,” she asked. Lacy looked at her in confusion for a moment before remembering what Kurt had said; that she hadn’t wanted to feel his tail, or his fur, or feel or see how different he looked. “He’s so boring and dull. I mean, maybe he’s just lazy. Not too good at the pleasing, either, right? I mean, eventually you get there, but jeez... Don’t you wish you could do something exciting? Like, you know, against the wall, or on a counter or something?”

Lacy’s eyes had narrowed in anger. Kurt didn’t deserve this. “Oh, you didn’t do it against the wall? Or on the counter? You didn’t get the chance to be held tenderly, kissed and devoured until you forget the outside world? Or taken so roughly that you can’t help but cry at how good it feels? You’ve never screamed in ecstasy, forgetting that there are other people in the same building, and begged for more? Or been held against his chest, listening to his tender nothings as he took you until you couldn’t feel your fingers or toes, then felt him kiss his way across your skin,” she turned and pulled Kurt’s shirt lower to show the scarred bite mark. “Making you tingle until he found the perfect spot and laid claim?” She let the shirt go so it went back up as she turned and started through the doorway. “Oh, and you definitely missed out on that tail. So, so, sexy.”

Alissa glared at her back, anger growing as she passed. She lunged and grabbed Lacy’s hair, yanking back on it as she accused, "self righteous whore."

Lacy turned around, her childhood fighting instincts rising to the surface. She grabbed the hand holding her hair and bit her arm, making her let go, then she reached back and gave a right hook that knocked Alissa to the ground. She jumped onto her, straddling her stomach and pinning her hands under her knees.

“How dare you say those things?” She demanded, slapping her. “Kurt is a wonderful person. He doesn’t deserve the things you say, or do. You’re so shallow. He told me about you, about the things you made him do, demeaning and making him feel less human because you didn’t like the way he looks. Here’s an idea, if you’re not interested in him, then leave him alone! Don’t play with him, make him think you like him, then throw him away like garbage. You stupid, selfish, petty little bitch,” she ranted, slapping her with almost every word.

Logan stood from the couch arm he was leaning on, silently walking to the door and down the hall. Kitty followed him, as did Kurt, and they were treated to the tail end of the conversation, slapping and all.

“You stupid, selfish, petty little bitch!”

“Lacy,” Kurt said in shock at the vision in front of him, never really expecting to see Lacy hitting anyone, though he knew she was capable from her few stories of life in foster care.

Lacy turned and saw the three of them standing in the doorway behind her, then back to Alissa under her, who started crying big, fake tears. She knew how this must look and slid off of her sideways, turning to watch as Alissa jumped up and threw herself at Kurt, crying into his shoulder and pulling him away.

His face as he stared at her while he was dragged away burned itself into her mind, despite her turning and closing her eyes. Lacy looked up to see Kitty and Logan still there, looks of disapproval on their faces as they looked after the two.

Probably due to her smacking the crap out of their comrade.  

“I-” she hesitated, not sure what to say. She stood and their eyes turned back to her. “I should go,” she told them, rushing past them, hardly stopping for her jacket and shoes on the way out.

“Lacy, wait,” Kitty tried, but she was too late, and she sighed.

“Did you hear what she was sayin’?” Logan asked quietly.

“Yeah.”

“Shoulda heard what she was sayin’ before,” Logan told her.

“I wish someone had done that a long time ago. She’s my hero,” Kitty commented sadly. “I just wish she would have stayed so we could throw her a party…”

“Yeah. Girl’s alright,” Logan agreed.

Kurt, having finally gotten Alissa to let go of his arm, made it back to them from the kitchen. He looked into the room, but didn’t see Lacy. “Vhere did she go?” He asked.

“She left,” Kitty told him.

“Left- vhat, vhy?” He asked in confusion.

“Don’t know, Elf, maybe she didn’t feel so wanted after you wandered off with the other girl,” Logan said, his voice a little gruffer than usual when talking to his friend.

“But- I didn’t vant to- she dragged me- I have to find her,” he said, rushing to the door and outside, running down the driveway, looking for Lacy. He remembered to turn his image inducer on before he made it to the street, but it was close.

He turned right and ran a ways, looking for her, but didn’t find any indications that she’d gone that way, so he turned and ran back in the direction that he’d come from, still seeing nothing. He looked for a bit longer, but still found no trace of her. He gave up, figuring that she’d caught the bus, and walked back to the mansion.

“Didn’t find her?” Kitty asked, neither her or Logan having moved from their spots.

“Nein…”

“I really wanted to throw her a party…” Kitty mumbled.

Alissa, having gotten bored of waiting in the kitchen, came into the hall with them. “Oh, Kurt, is that you? Your thingy is so cute,” she commented, trying to wrap herself around his arm. “Why do you look sad? I think I have an idea on what might cheer you up,” she told him suggestively.

Kurt pulled his arm from her, shaking her off angrily. “Get off! Alissa, vhat is so hard for you to understand about no? I told you no, I don’t vant you, I’m vizh somevone else, and now, like everyzhing else you touch, you’ve ruined es! Just vhen she vas coming back! Get avay from me, stay avay from me, and stay avay from Lacy!” He turned and stormed up the stairs to his room, a slam barely audible to them as he reached it.

Kitty and Logan looked to Alissa from the stairs to see her reaction. She looked shocked for a moment, then turned to them, her eyes still wide. Kitty’s look changed to questioning, then Alissa commented, “I’m sure he’ll come around. I’m going to be here for a little bit, so he’ll get the chance to get over whatever is bothering him.”

Kurt paced his room, his tail lashing about angrily as he waited for it to be dark enough to go to Lacy’s house the fast way, and for her to have enough time to go home, in case he’d missed her while he was looking.

There was a knock on the door and he paused his pacing to answer it. “Ja?”

Kitty looked at him through the crack. “What are you going to do, Kurt?”

“I’m going to Lacy’s, as soon as it gets dark. I have to straighten zhis mess out. I’ll be glad vhen she’s gone,” he grumbled.

Kitty winced. “Mm, well… That might not happen for a bit…”

“Vhat do you mean?” He asked, turning to her.

“Well… She said that she was going to be staying here for a while, but she wouldn’t say how long…”

Kurt ran a hand over his face, cursing. “Vhy, vhat does she suddenly vant now, after zhree years vizh no contact?” He groaned. “Vhy can’t she disappear back into zhe vorld and leave me alone?”

.

Lacy laid in her bed, her mind spinning. The way Kurt had stared at her in surprise as he was pulled away filled her mind, making her tear ducts itch as they tried to water.

There was a tapping at the window and Lacy glanced up, knowing Kurt was there. She looked away, trying to ignore the yearning in her chest.

Kurt tapped again, calling to her, “Lacy, I know you are zhere… Please open zhe vindow- I have to talk to you…” Lacy turned over, trying to ignore him. “Lacy, bitte…”

“Go away, Kurt,” she told him.

“I can’t go until you talk to me… Bitte…”

“You know, they say that guilty people often accuse others of committing the crimes they themselves are guilty of, to throw suspicion from themselves, or sometimes to see others reactions…”  

“Vhat?” He asked.

“Is that why you accused me of cheating? Had that woman on the side for a while?” She asked.

“Vhat?” He asked again, incredulously.

“Were you cheating on me with her for a long time before you accused me of cheating to throw off suspicion?”

“Lacy, no! I vould never-”

“But you think I would?” She demanded.  

“No, Lacy, I know you veren’t, I vas just stupid! Bitte, let me in…”

“Go away, Kurt.”

“Please, please, Lacy-”

“I can’t, Kurt,” she interrupted, trying not to cry.

“Lacy, please just listen. I don’t like her, she is just as you said, a stupid, shallow, petty… I only vant you...”

“Kurt… just go home. I’m sure that if you hurry you can still spend time with her.”

Kurt tried not to growl. “I don’t vant to spend time vizh her. She said she vill be zhere for a vhile, and if you don’t let me in- Lacy, I vould razher sleep under a bench in zhe park until she leaves.” Lacy clenched her jaw, staring at the wall on the other side of the room. “Lacy…” He said softly. “Fine," he told her after a minute. "I vill… I vill go. Am I right zhat I saw a park two blocks souzh? Vill you tell me zhat?”

Lacy’s hand pressed against her mouth as she tried not to let her emotions out. Like he’d really go to a park…

That would be stupid.

Anyone could find him when he was sleeping, they’d see his tail! It never stayed close to his body, and even with his inducer on, it would be visible.

“Lacy… Ok… Zhen, I guess I vill go see… Goodnight…” Kurt said, just audible through the window.

Lacy waited a moment, thinking that Kurt would knock again, but he didn’t. She stood, going to the window, going to tell him not to stay there, but when she opened the window, she saw him bracing himself as he slowly made his way down the building.

“K-Kurt, wait!” He turned and looked back at her. “You- you’re not really going to the park are you?”

“I told you I vould razher sleep zhere zhen be near her,” he answered.

“Kurt, d- don’t. Just- come back… You can come in…”

Kurt turned and climbed closer, her watching as he made his way back to her. “Lacy, I- if you don’t feel comfortable…” He trailed off as he stared into her eyes. “I vant to be here, but if you don’t vant me to…”

“No, Kurt, I can’t let you sleep under a park bench. Just come in. But you have to sleep on the chair,” she told him.

“Ok, vhatever you need, Lacy, vhatever you say,” he assured her as he climbed through the window.

She pulled the ottoman to the front of the chair to make it longer and threw a pillow on it.

Kurt passed her, silently sitting and watching her move. She went into the bathroom, obviously getting away from him for a minute. Kurt closed his eyes, feeling the squeezing in his chest. He was close to her, she’d asked him in, they were going to be together, for the night, at least. So why did it hurt so badly?

The door opened and he looked up to see her walking back to her bed. She pulled the blanket over herself, turning away from him and he turned to the chair, trying to get comfortable. It squeaked and shuffled, the noises sounded loud to him, and he knew that too much longer and they would start to be annoying, but it wasn’t easy trying to get comfortable in the chair.

Lacy listened as Kurt shifted around, trying to get comfy. The guilt started to grow in her stomach. She’d been too nervous to go see him, and had ended up running away, accusing him of cheating on her, and told him to leave when he’d only wanted to talk.

“Kurt,” she hesitated.

“I’m sorry, I vill stop,” he whispered.

“No, it’s... Kurt, come here, to the bed,” she told him, flipping back the blankets.

“Lacy, are you sure?” He asked.

“Yes,” she told him.

He stood and took the pillow, making his way to the bed and laying where she’d pulled back the covers. She pointedly stayed on the other side of the bed turned away from him, but he was just glad that she’d let him so close.

He watched her fall asleep as he grew drowsy. He was almost asleep when he felt something warm and heavy on him. He opened his eyes to see Lacy’s sleeping body against him, her head on his shoulder, her hand on his chest, just how she always cuddled against him when they were together.

He couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face as his heart beat faster and his insides warmed. “Lacy,” he whispered, but she didn’t answer. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close and kissing her head as he closed his eyes again to sleep.

. 

Lacy slowly woke, opening her eyes to see Kurt’s shoulder. She sighed quietly, realizing that, even though she tried to stay mad at him, she couldn’t stay away. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the thoughts in her head.

She felt something vibrating, and Kurt stirred to grope at his pocket.

“Hallo?” He grumbled sleepily. Lacy felt him jolt in surprise and pretended to be asleep as he looked down at her. “Stop,” he whispered. “Alissa, stop. I don’t vant to talk to you. I told you to leave me alone,” he said a little louder before he hung up the thing, then dialed a few numbers. “Kitty,” he whispered. “Ja, hallo, listen, Kitty… Listen! Vhy is Alissa calling me?” He paused as Kitty answered him, but cut her off. “No, I mean, how did she get my communicator code to call me? Ja. Ja, I am. Vell, vhatever. Vill you just, I don’t know, get my number off of her zhing or somezhing? Ja, bitte. Vhat? Vell… Kitty, zhat is none of your business. Nein, but, she’s not so mad zhat I had to sleep at a park,” Kurt told her, looking down at Lacy again as his free hand trailed down her cheek. “Ja, I’m serious, I don’t vant to be anyvhere near her. Vell, I’d better go. Ja, just emergencies. Guten tag,” he said, hanging the thing up again.

He sighed and looked down at Lacy again. “Better let you vake up not so close to me; I don’t vant you to be angrier at me,” he whispered, rolling her onto her back.

She felt him stand from the bed and heard the bathroom door close. Lacy looked to the ceiling, feeling something inside, it was strange, like she was happy, but ashamed at the same time, from him obviously telling the truth about not wanting to be with Alissa, and from her accusing words the night before. She was mad, but it was still stupid to say.

She closed her eyes against the tears building. How could she be so petty? She thought she had become a better person…

The bathroom door opened and she looked up. "Ah, you're avake. Good morning, Lacy."

"Good morning," she answered quietly.

Kurt smiled nervously as he stepped closer. “How did you sleep?”

“It was ok… Sorry, Kurt, but, I- I understand that you don’t want to go back, but I have to do some work today,” Lacy told him.

“So you vant me to leave?” He asked, trying not to sound sad.

“I- that’s- no, I was just saying that I have to do some work, I don’t want to seem like I’m ignoring you, but I have to concentrate.”

“Oh, zhat’s ok. I vas zhinking- zhat maybe… I vould make dinner for you, somezhing special. Do you zhink zhat vill be ok?”

“I- I guess. I mean… It would be nice,” she told him, trying not to sound rude. “But, don’t feel like you have to do anything for me-”

“Nein, I vant to,”  He told her with a smile and pulled his image inducer from his pocket. “And, I can leave zhrough zhe door,” he said with a smile.

.

Kurt pulled a can of spaghetti sauce from the shelf and looked at it for a moment. He knew that homemade always tasted better, but he didn’t know exactly how to make spaghetti sauce, other than it had tomatoes and some sort of spices in it and you cooked it for a long time.

He put the can back on the shelf. Maybe he would make something else.

As Kurt walked past the meat counter, he paused in front of the fish.

“Anything I can help you with?” The man behind the counter asked.

“Ah, I- vell, I’m not sure… I’m trying to find somezhing romantic to make, but…”

The man nodded knowingly. “Mm. Not sure what your girl will like, huh?” Kurt nodded sheepishly in agreement. “Well, spaghetti is the old standby, but these days, you can do whatever. You really can’t go wrong with a good piece of well cooked meat and a bed of pasta with a side of salad.”

. 

Kurt shifted the bag in his hand, wishing he could use his tail to help carry the bags. He stopped in front Lacy’s building, looking at the door.

He shifted the bag up his wrist and tried to turn the knob, but it didn’t move. He took his hand back and held the bag before it fell from his wrist.

On the right of the door there was a set of buttons with the apartment numbers next to them. He looked at them, but realized that he didn’t know Lacy’s apartment number since he’d only ever come through the door a couple of times, following her. 

The door next to him opened and he looked up to see a man in a hoodie carrying a bag.

He looked up as well and pulled an earbud from his ear. “Hey, you’re Kurt, aren’t you?” He asked. Kurt nodded, confused. “I thought so… So… Did Lacy forgive you?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m Doug, I met you at the dance, in the kangaroo suit,” he explained.

“Ah, ja, I remember. Vell, she did let me in earlier, aber, I vanted to make her dinner, so I vent out, and now…” He gestured vaguely.

“Ah, you got locked out,” Doug nodded. “Happens all the time. I’ll give you a hand,” he said, pulling the door open all the way so Kurt could enter.

“Zhank you,” Kurt said, going through the door.

“Yeah, good luck,” Doug told him, turning and putting his earbud back in.

Kurt got back to Lacy’s apartment and knocked.

Lacy stretched, leaning back and making her headphones pull off of her ears. She heard knocking and stood, untangling herself as she walked to the door. 

Kurt smiled as he saw Lacy, and held up the bags. “For dinner,” he said.

Lacy let him in and watched as he made his way to the kitchen. “Um, I…” she paused as he looked to her. “I still have work to do… So…”

“It’s no problem, li- Lacy, I vill be cooking for a vhile. You do your vork vhile I get dinner ready,” he told her.

Lacy watched as Kurt prepped all of the food for dinner, pausing the audio she was listening to. He was so sweet… She should talk to him, say she was sorry for how she had been acting…

.

Finally, the smell of cooked meats and delicious foods brought her out from the near half cocoon she’d built around herself from blankets, pillows and equipment.

“Lacy, are you done vizh your vork?” Kurt asked as she stood and made her way toward him. 

“Mmhm,” she answered, trying to look over his shoulder.

“Vell, zhen vhy don’t you get zhe chairs ready?” He asked, teasingly hiding the food with a pot lid.

Lacy pulled the ottoman up next to the chair and opened the camping chair, making it like a table. As they ate, Lacy couldn’t help but intermittently stare at Kurt, trying not to feel so guilty.

Kurt tried not to laugh as Lacy ate.

“What?” She asked.

“You are… you are only eating lemon juice on your spaetzle…”

“Yeah…”

“It’s strange… Like eating plain noodles…”

“I know…” Lacy trailed off, pushing around a fork full of the stuff.

“I- I have just never seen anyvone eat it like zhat before,” he told her, kicking himself that he’d embarrassed her.

After they finished eating, Kurt stood and took their dishes to the sink, washing them and the cooking dishes. When he finished and turned back around, he was covered in dishwater and tiny bits of food. “Ach, gross,” he groaned.

Lacy smiled. “Looks like you need to borrow my shower for once,” she teased, feeling more at ease with him. “I think I’ve got enough change to wash your stuff, too, let me look…” She went over to the cup on her dresser and dumped it out. “Mmm, looks like I only have enough for a wash,” she told him.

“Ah, vell… You still have my sveats, don’t you?”

“Oh, yeah, somewhere. Here, let me take your stuff and get it started while you take a shower,” she said. She showed him where the towels and things were before letting him hand her his clothes. Lacy threw them on her laundry and picked up the basket. She stopped at the bathroom door and knocked telling him through a crack, “I’m going to run downstairs and put this in the washer, I’ll be back in a bit.”

She started at a jog down the stairs, but ended at a walk at the lobby. She went to the basement and turned on the washer before tossing all of the clothes in and pouring in the soap.

Kurt ran his hands down his chest, lathering up the soap to get the grossness out of his fur. He tilted his head back in the spray, letting it run down his chest as he sighed. He’d hoped that when he was in Lacy’s shower, she’d be in there with him. He stepped out and wrapped the towel around himself before he opened the door. “Lacy, are you back?”

“Yeah, just a minute ago,” she answered.

“Do, uh, do you have my sveats?” He asked as he stepped out of the bathroom.

“Oh, just a sec, let me look.” She pulled things out of their places, moving around the room. “I know I took them off and threw them over here…” she mumbled to herself.

“Having trouble finding zhem?” Kurt asked, a little concerned that he’d have to spend the rest of the evening in just a towel.

“Ummm… Maybe… Oh!” She nearly smacked herself in the head. “I threw them… in the laundry…” She forced the words out through unwilling lips.

“Oh,” Kurt said. “Zhat’s ok, I vill vear zhem for tonight.”

“Um… no, I threw them in the laundry… that I just put in the washer…”

Kurt realized what she was saying and blushed a little. “Oooh… Ah…”

.

Lacy hung Kurt’s clothes over the shower curtain rod to dry. “Sorry again about that,” she told Kurt where he was sitting on the chair.

“It’s ok,” he told her, pulling the towel a bit lower to make sure it still covered him.

“Let me just put something on to sleep to,” Lacy said, coming into the dark room and leaning forward to see the buttons on the DVD player.

Kurt tried not to gulp as Lacy’s pajama shorts clung to her, almost giving her a wedgie as they moved up. His tongue moved across his bottom lip, and he felt the towel slide across his leg. 

Kurt stood to hide his reaction, making sure that his now semi erect cock was hidden. Looking down at her and the way her back sloped to her butt, showing a ribbon of skin as she pushed buttons on the DVD player only made him want to grab her hips and pull her against him, though.

He took a breath and tried to convince his legs to move him away from where he stood.

Lacy got the movie playing, but knocked the DVD case to the ground and leaned down to grab it.

Kurt groaned as she bumped into him, his hand drifting up to run along her hip, pulling her closer. Lacy stood and felt Kurt’s chest against her. “Es tut mir leid,” he mumbled against her shoulder. “Ich versuche nicht... aber... Es ist so lange her... Sie fühlen sich so gut…” {I'm sorry, I'm trying not to... but... It's been so long... You feel so good...}

Lacy felt Kurt’s bulge against her, settling against her butt, and she felt as though butterflies were fluttering in her belly. “Kurt…”

“Lacy,” he answered, nuzzling into her shoulder. “Ich weiß nicht, ob kann ich aufhören…” His tongue flicked out, moving up her neck, his lips following the trail, gently sucking and making her bite her lip. “Willst du mich zu?“ {I don't know if I can stop... Do you want me to?}

After this long without him? Was he kidding? She shook her head to the side, gasping, “no…”

Kurt groaned, his hands squeezing her hips as his tail wrapped around her, tightening and moving up to take her bottoms and start pulling. “Dann komm mit mir,” he told her, sitting back on to the chair. “Setz dich auf meinen Schoß,” he said, pulling her shorts and panties the rest of the way off. {Then come with me, sit on my lap.}

Kurt pulled the towel open and guided her down so her back rested against his chest, feeling himself slide against the wetness coating her. He pushed and pulled her hips, sliding against her for a few strokes before slipping into her. He groaned loudly, thinking, ‘It’s like coming home...’

His hands moved up Lacy’s body, pushing her shirt up to take her breasts into his hands to gently squeeze them. Lacy moaned, her head falling back onto his shoulder. Kurt’s hands pulled her shirt off, throwing it away from them before moving back to squeezing and fondling her breasts.

His tail moved up, twitching back and forth against her clit as he kissed all around her neck and shoulder. “Lacy,” he mumbled into her shoulder. “Schön…” {beautiful}

He kissed his way down to the scarred mark he’d left before and nipped next to it. Lacy moaned, arching against him, but he still didn’t thrust, only torturing her body as he stayed pressed into her.

“Kurt,” she gasped as she felt herself getting closer.

“Ja, oh ja,” Kurt answered, kissing her before biting the scar behind her shoulder.

“Ahh!” Lacy arched again as she came, moving around Kurt.

Kurt groaned, kissing the scar he’d just bitten, putting one hand on Lacy’s hip and pulling and pushing her with him as he thrust.

There was a little awkwardness as Lacy pulled her legs up so she was kneeling on the chair, but then she started moving with Kurt as he thrust, crying out as he pushed into her, squeezing her nipples and breasts, panting against her shoulder as she felt herself getting light headed.

Kurt’s hips rolled with hers, his hands taking turns with her hips, squeezing and pulling her harder against him. “Lacy,” he groaned to her, his breaths taking most of his air. “Ja… bitte… Ach…” Kurt grunted, trying not to hold or squeeze too tightly. “Lacy- bitte- ah- guh,” he was just grunting now, thrusting and pulling, hoping he was giving as much as he was taking.

He felt her start to pulse around him again, crying his name as she tensed. “Lacy- ah- Liebling!” Kurt ground out into her shoulder quietly as he fell over the edge, the worry of her having a panic attack buried in the back of his mind.

His arms tightened around Lacy as she laid back against him, her head on his shoulder while his lips nuzzled into the crook of her neck. “Lacy…” He stood, picking her up as he did. “Gehen wir ins Bett,” he whispered as he carried her to the bed. {let’s go to bed}

He laid her down and climbed next to her, kissing her neck and shoulders, his hands and tail roving over her.

Lacy kissed him back, her hands moving over his shoulders, her fingers digging in and pulling him closer. She could feel him starting to get hard against her leg again, and her hand moved down to him, gently squeezing and stroking. His hand covered hers, half heartedly trying to pull her away as he moaned, “Lacy.. ooh, Lacy…”

She pushed his shoulder and kneeled over him as he landed on his back, kissing him. Kurt sat up, pulling her closer and kissing down her neck as she moved, taking him and sliding up and down as he finished lengthening inside her.

They groped at each other, their hands pulling each other closer, their breath shared as they moved. Lacy tightened, her knees pushing against his hips, her fingers digging into him, and Kurt felt her pulse around him.

He pulled her down as he laid back, letting her lay on him as his hands continued to move her hips, bouncing her a little as he thrust her up and down and making her body slid against his, her breasts pushing against him and her nipples tickled by his fur.

Kurt gasped and panted, kissing anything he could reach.

Lacy’s hands moved to his shoulders, pulling herself so she moved with him. She looked down at him and felt her eyes start watering.

She was so awful to have been so cold to him. He had deserved a little of it, making baseless accusations and all, but she could have- should have- done something different, behaved more like a person instead of a vengeful, spiteful bitch.

She leaned down and kissed him, feeling the waves of pleasure washing over her as they always did when he touched her.

She didn’t want him to hurt, and she’d hurt him.

Why didn’t she want him to hurt? Was she feeling for him more than was safe?

Kurt rolled, kissing down her throat, his hand holding her hip up as he pushed into her. He panted, kissing down her chest and nipping at spots that made her moan.

“Kurt,” she called out, feeling the tears make tracks down the sides of her face.

“Lacy,” he groaned back, burying himself hilt deep. “Lacy… Lacy… Lacy… Bitte,” he chanted as he thrust into her.

Lacy arched, crying out and pulling at Kurt as she came.

Kurt’s lips crashed into hers so he could drink in her sounds, giving a few final thrusts as he came, still kissing her. Lacy opened her eyes to see Kurt looking down at her. He stroked her cheek, the look in his eye a little strange.

Kurt held Lacy close as she fell asleep. He gently kissed her as he thought, ‘I wish I could tell you how I feel… Maybe one day you will be ready to hear it...’

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[rowan-raven-rogue]

dark!Caleb AU 🌙

for @yettinim; Chapter 1 (2380 words)

content: (canon-typical violence, widomauk if you squint, Trent Ikithon, bad German translation (please advise if you’re a native speaker!))

        He feels, rather than hears, the soft thrum, vibrating through his bones and settling at the bottom of each of his ribs. His head swims, vertiginous, as he is (but iss not) pulled forward, feet firmly planted - and then everything goes dark behind opened eyelids. He breathes, deep - phosphorous, ozone, and some ancient, otherworldly scent that spices his lungs and quickens his blood. In the void, he watches billowy clouds of purple and blue grow on the horizon and quickly engulf the darkness as he passes. Dark silhouettes of passing spheres and other objects speed by, their shapes elongating more and more by his increasing speed. Tiny dots of light begin to prick at the edges of his vision, and soon stars peek by as well, backlighting the distant clouds in a faint gray nimbus. His limbs and face buzz as he approaches that familiar threshold, the headlong speed of it all in constant contrast to the steady, pulsing hum in his chest. His heart beats so rapidly as to be nearly one continuous, clenching ache, a cold dryness at his temples and on his tongue, and - with a flash of familiar, silvery light, he halts, stock-still.

        The faint shadows of an infinite array of Caleb Widogasts stride past, every which way, as he stills like an anchor among them. Hypnotized, he watches their darkened forms, so exactly identical and wildly different all at once, mill and stride down countless paths, until something snags at his periphery. As he turns, he sees one of the figures pause. Tall, straight-shouldered, with the profile of short-groomed hair and a clean-shaven jaw; Caleb and his possible-self acknowledge each other for an icy heartbeat, until the other Caleb turns and continues on his path.

        Frowning, he focuses on the rhythm of humming vibration, affixing himself to it, avoiding the pull of infinite Calebs that tug him down every conceivable path at once. The void seems to grow and swallow him, as the other Calebs withdraw further and further. He’s struck, yet again, by the indecipherable scale of emptiness and potential, of everything and nothing surrounding him; the ancient, immediate dark. Finally, he looks down, surrendering to the warm, welcoming pulse of light that appears not a foot from his chest, and gladly sinks in to the yearn to touch. A tiny mote of glittering gray energy floats into his chest, filling him with sharp, prickling heat and burning cold, and he sighs, content, as the void disappears, extinguished by the Fragment of Possibility.

        “...Caaaleb? CalebCalebCaleb- oh, you’re back!”

        He blinks, and the lavender light of early morning stings his eyes. Immediately, the nauseating stench of rotting flesh floods him again; the blue tiefling girl is frozen, the tip of one finger stuck prodding at the center of his forehead, the other hand clutching her pink bag as it dangles, open.

        “Eh, ja, sorry,” he murmurs, shaking the hazy scale of possibility from his head. He resists the urge to wretch and choke on the foul smell in the air. Jester smiles and withdraws, closing the bag with one-handed grace and slinging it back over her shoulders.

        “Okay, we’re ready!” she whispers, her voice coated, like everything else, in the morning dew. She crouches behind the scrubby bushes that conceal their position, and turns a firm nod over her left shoulder. Caleb watches the half-orc Fjord, from behind a moss-covered boulder several yards away, affirm and pass the signal on to Beau and Yasha, further still; turning his gaze upward, into the boughs above their heads, Caleb makes brief contact with a pair of catlike yellow eyes, and Nott nods her agreement as well. Then to his right, searching and failing in the green-dark undergrowth to find the lithe, purple form of Mollymauk, before -

        - a crossbow bolt sinks into one of the garish orange buds of the enormous plant before them, and sprays the misty morning air with the wet-green stench of decay.

        Immediately, each of the buds falls open, releasing a gurgling screech and another wave of rotting stink. Pale green tendrils, thick as a man’s leg, begin to unravel and uproot themselves from the soil, and one shoots out, whip-like, just above Jester’s head. She ducks it with ease, and the familiar giant lollipop floats from behind just above the shrieking plant and sinks deep into the green, sickly cluster at its center with a thud. From the left of the clearing, a blue blur jettisons out and strikes at a second tentacle, then a third, as Beau’s staff whips over her head and whirls into a fanning circle behind her back. Close behind comes Yasha, swinging overly wide at the creature’s muddy roots, burying her sword into the sodden turf. As the plant continues to rear up on writhing tendrils, Caleb nearly gags a second time; more soil and debris shake from the creature, and he can just make out the distorted forms of moss- and vine- covered skulls, ribcages, spines, and the like, a mass of corpses which form the heart of the monster.

        A string of strangled epithets, mingled Common and Infernal, explode from the stand of trees to Caleb’s right. Turning sharply on his heel, Molly swings one glowing sword at an approaching knot of vines and tentacles, just barely stopping short as the blossom tipping the end slithers through the air. With a wet, heaving sound, the flower opens to deposit a mildewed, humanoid corpse directly before the whirling tiefling, who thrusts his sword into the body with a dull crunch.

        “Oh, lovely, it makes friends!” barks Molly. Caleb raises a blackening hand, ignoring the continued curses from Mollymauk mingled now with a series of similar protests from Fjord, who’s dealing with a mossy-green corpse of his own - and a stream of fiery rays bursts forth, sinking directly into the plant’s center. Hissing shrieks bubble forth, and greenish steam erupts from the ashen wound Caleb’s blown deep into the plant, but still it continues on with its gruesome attack.

        There is a wet, sickly sound of a crossbow bolt embedding itself into something to Caleb’s left - the decaying body attacking Fjord goes down, with one of Nott’s well-aimed bolts loosed directly into the back of its head. The giant, spectral lollipop once again slams into the orange blossoms and green vegetation above the plant’s core, as Jester sprints from her hiding spot behind the bush to Fjord. Beau strikes another whirling series of blows to the tendrils approaching her before hauling Yasha to her feet, the pair beset by yet another vine-covered, skeletal body. Caleb whispers the tips of his fingers into glowing black once more, and another blast of flame erupts into the monster’s body - barely singeing past the circling form of Molly, as he lops off the zombie’s head with one artful swing.

        A third bolt strikes the body before Yasha and Beau, earning a muffled “Shit!” from the monk as it topples forward, moldering jaw agape, and falls still at their feet. A shrill whistling, followed by a slick, heavy thud and a growling cry from Fjord - he’s been hit by one of the flailing tendrils. There is a roaring cry of Infernal from Jester, and the shimmering lollipop crashes down a third time.

        “Finish it!” she calls, the edges of her words still rough and grinding Infernal.

        Ignoring the wretching, nauseous protest in his belly, Caleb closes his eyes and prepares a final, fiery blast, silently praying for the fight’s end. As he opens his eyes to unleash the burst of flame, he locks onto a single, perfectly outlined skull right at the center of the monstrous creature; one delicate, orange blossom peeks from inside the vacant eye socket.

        The spurt of flames goes just too wide, fizzling out above the clearing and into the pale purple morning sky.

        “Dammit!” Caleb hears Molly’s frustrated snarl, as the tiefling turns . “Caleb, try-”

        The rest of Molly’s urging is cut short by a rapid burst from the center of the tiefling’s chest, as one of the creature’s tendrils spikes sharply through his back and emerges just below his heart. His words drowning in a spurt of blood, Molly only stares wide-eyed at the green and scarlet spearlike point, gurgling hoarsely.

        The cry that rips Caleb’s throat raw pulls every bit of air from his lungs and collapses his chest like a dying star. Focus, focus, focus, he thought desperately, and - calls.

        Something inside him begins to stir, then vibrate, then warm, and then burn with familiar pulsing energy. He feels… silvery. The air around him grows thick, nearly malleable, and as he breathes he focuses on the last fiery rays he had aimed at the creature, willing them in his memory to bend and strike true to the monster’s center. Everything around him slows to molasses-still, and a gray, oily radiance distorts his vision. He watches, ears and heart hammering, as the tendril withdraws from Molly’s chest in an exact backward path; he sees Molly mouth Caleb, try - turn to him, - dammit - and feels his own body shift, palm raised and burning -

        The clearing buzzes into impossible, sharp silence. Caleb locks eyes with the orange-blossomed skull, exhales, and fires.

        The creature, engulfed in flame, gives one last piteous, hissing scream, and the flames wither it to a pile of ash, dust, and bleached white bones.

        The party remains still for a breath.

        “...Fuck.” Caleb hears Molly murmur. Then there’s a whooping cry from Beau, and a scattered rustling as Nott drops out of the tree behind him.

        “Caleb! Are you alright?” the goblin says, her black-slit pupils ringed entirely by yellow.

        “I’m absolutely fine, Nott, sweet of you to ask,” says Molly, his easy, loping strides to Caleb betrayed by the nervous flicking of his tail.

        “You guys? I think Fjord might be poisoned,” Jester calls from across the clearing. Nott waits for Caleb’s curt nod, before scurrying off, clawed hands already scrabbling at her bag for her alchemical supplies. Caleb turns wordlessly at the pressure of a hand on his shoulder, the wide-eyed thanks of Molly…

        …and the entire forest dissolves, swirling, into silvery blue ripples.

        The surface of the scrying bowl gradually comes to a still, and in it is reflected a gaunt, sharply angled face, pockmarked and liver-spotted. Yellow-sheened skin hangs loosely in bags near the scrub white-bristled jaw, and hollowed at the cheeks. Wide-set, watery blue eyes are jaundiced at the whites, and clumps of stringy white hair cling above the man’s ears and encircle the shiny crown of his head.

        Trent Ikithon smirks, thin-lipped.

        “Caleb,” he says, clawing an arthritic hand to the stone pendant at his neck, “komm hier.”

        Minutes pass, and then comes a soft tinkling slide of metal on metal, as the magical locks to Ikithon’s study open.

        “Ja, Meister Ikithon?”

        A young man enters the room, dressed in the blue and gold military mantle given to all of Trent’s apprentices. Neat red hair, only just long enough to suggest a curl, glints in the dim firelight reflected across the surfaces of dozens of scrying bowls. The young man stands, a respectful distance behind his master, straight-shouldered and wiry, a lean, agile strength.

        “Das Leuchtfeuer, Caleb.” says Trent, oily and dark. “The Beacon.”

        “Soll ich es für dich holen, Meister?” says Caleb. Proud, angular features twist, just so subtly, on the water’s surface, rippling into concentric, wolfish expressions. “Tell me where, and I will go.”

        Ikithon straightens, pauses. “Tell me what you know about scrying, Caleb.”

        Without hesitation, “It is a form of divination, using a focus - in this case, Master, bowls of holy water, sometimes crystals, or mirrors - through which one may see a person or object of their choosing. The spell becomes more effective the more knowledge you are able to obtain of the target, or if you have a portrait, a possession, or better yet,” he finishes, “a body part.”

        “Very good,” Ikithon concedes. “A minor correction. Under normal circumstances, one may only divine something which exists on the same plane,” he said, lightly stroking one gnarled finger across the surface of the bowl in front of him. “However, in this study, I have created a pocket dimension through which we simultaneously occupy all and none of the planes. What does that mean, Caleb?”

        “Each of these may be used to scry on a different plane,” Caleb answers, with certainty.

        “And more,” corrects the old Master. He pauses again, staring deep into his own reflection. “Time, much like our multiplanar Universe, is not a singular thing,” he said. “It fractures, it bifurcates, it,” and he gently skimmed the water again “ripples, over and over, collecting in infinite loops. In some cases.” He lets his pupil reflect on this for half a breath. “I have also collected means to scry on timelines alternate to our own, Caleb. Universes which are hardly recognizable as parallels to our own, timelines in which one single action altered the course of history… and some, which, in the grand scheme of things,” he grinned sharply, “are not very different from our own.

        “The Beacon is an unusual artifact,” Ikithon goes on. “Can you tell me why?”

         Caleb inclines his head, politely; a trained soldier might have noticed the tenseness in his shoulders, anticipating admonition.

        “If,” he begins, “as you say, the natural order of the universe is to exist, multiplicate… then one could assume something unusual would exist outside that order, in- singularity.” Caleb concludes. “There is only one.”

        “Excellent,” says Ikithon, beckoning his pupil closer. Caleb complies, stepping forward briskly to watch the rippling font over his master’s shoulder. “In all the many timelines I am able to divine, there is only one Beacon, Caleb. And,” allows Ikithon, “shall I tell you something interesting about the person who currently possesses it?” He generously accepts his student’s polite silence before finishing, “I can’t see him.”

        “But… you know his identity, Master?” says Caleb, hungrily. Ikithon grins again, reaches up, and pulls one red hair from just behind his student’s ear. He deposits the hair on the water’s surface, and, in the ripples, watches something cold and cruel draw Caleb’s piercing blue eyes half-closed in recognition.

        “I’ve got a task for you, Caleb.”

[aeide-thea]

i probably should have written this post earlier, i.e. before i had more of a bottle of rosé than i’m quite willing to admit to, but! i did not! so you are getting the not-not-drunk version! on the bright side alcohol’d me is very nice, mostly they are just Friendly and Happy albeit a little overinclined 2 inform you about how sad it is that they and A— are passing like ships in the night, that is, without any kissing...

anyway! today was a Day omg. i was very stupidly nervous about my german exam for reasons unbeknownst to man or otherwise nonbinary person, except i guess that i wanted it to be painfully apparent to A— that i’m good at this, which, uh, if he didn’t know that already he’s kind of oblivious and also my quickness has yet to cause him to be overwhelmed with love for me, why is that honestly! but anyway i was pretty excruciatingly jittery, like, we were all sitting in our formal rows and there were Extra Non-Classmate Strangers joining us for the proficiency exam and like, everyone else was being quiet and normal and i was, like, making dramatic woeful faces at C and telling her to pat my head and tell me it was going to be okay, which, jesus, self, calm yr tits! unclear if A— was observing this, he was there at this point but also my stratagem has mostly been to assiduously avoid any chance of eye contact in case my face somehow says ‘hello i think yr beautiful and would like to grammatically bump faces,’ which frankly seems like a likely thing for my face to say! anyway we did our exam and like, babe, i love you but also when you write a thing and then go back and add an introduction you’re supposed to make sure that e.g. people are introduced the first time we encounter them, rather than the second? and not repeat yourself? so that was a little lol. anyway we had a choice of two passages and i went with the one that was about wolfram eilenberger’s zeit der zauberer, which is not important except that the ““conclusion”” on this passage was, like, ‘and then mussolini and hitler leveraged the economic and political crises of the period—’ [at which point a nice friendly dazu compound, hello, how nice to encounter you here in the home stretch when i thought perhaps i might be free and clear!] ‘—to build up their movements, which led to fascism/nazism,’ the end. dear A—, i am very bad at conclusions but i’m pretty sure that was not one! anyway that was the first mention of mussolini in my day but not the last.

then C and i went to the grad cafe, which, sadness, who is going to let me into the grad cafe now! i will have to rub elbows with the general populace once more! which is especially a thing bc holy shit is campus swarming with literal high schoolers rn, i mean, good for them but also i have a solid decade on these children and it makes me feel ancient, remember when i was this ignorant of how much the world was going to bruise me!

anyway we went to the grad cafe and hung out with C’s boyfriend L for a while, who is like. a quiet really lovely italian potato? jesus i come up with the worst most insulting similes to describe people i actually like, i said to C this morning that i was the neurotic cheetah friend and she was the sensible dog friend which i meant as, like, ‘yikes i need a keeper, i am very grateful for yr well-adjustedness!’ but i feel like was probably kind of insulting although i apologized later and she was like, honestly i’m just amused! you were so zany this morning! which. yes. yes i was.

anyway we hung out and did postmortems on our respective exams and then went for lunch at Local Thai Place where i haven’t been since... maybe since i brought R there? is that possible? anyway in a long time, so that was kinda nice.

and then A emailed me to say,

A—

which like, sry abt the humblebrag or whatever but i’m just. how fucking typical honestly, jesus. i’m so absurd.

also he wants a ~contact in my department~ bc literally everyone else in the class was a grad student who needed to pass the reading proficiency exam as part of their degree requirements, except, uh, i am a baby dork who just thought it would be interesting, so i don’t think there’s anyone to notify particularly! i mean i guess he could let Prof V— know, but she would definitely be like, dot dot dot thanks, glad K— is out there jumping through random unnecessary hoops??? or, you know, whatever the equivalent of that is in german, since she’s also a native speaker, so presumably they would conduct this entire exchange auf deutsch...

anyway then i had more class, whoop whoop, which for my sins was a second class on the fucking aeneid, goddamn, i have spent a truly staggering amount of time being lectured on that poem considering how much i hate it! i mean parts of it are flooringly good and parts of it are workmanlike as shit and parts of it are shamefully propagandistic and the latter two aspects make me real frustrated with it even though the first aspect is also very real. anyway i decline to let drunkme have the final word on vergil so like, maybe someday there will be more things to say. although also my main feeling about him is intense apathy so also there might not be.

but so anyway that led to the second mention of fascism in my day, bc the fasces came up somewhere and then we got into Modern Reception of Same, which admittedly in diesen finsteren Zeiten is not nearly as remarkable as it might once have been, but i still was, idk, amused that my life had arranged itself in such a way that both my classes raised the topic! although i guess maybe a different way of saying that is, thank god classicists and germanists are acknowledging some historical culpability here, this is kind of an important time to be doing that...

but anyway back to some more frivolous notes, bc at the end of the day this is a perblog—

as i said to E earlier, i retract any aspersions i had previously cast on my baby mythology classmates, one of them asked for an extension on the paper and so we all got one, thank fuckin god honestly; and

A— emailed me as [different subset of my legal name than i have been using in that class all semester] and i really don’t know what to make of that, like, in the system i’m [full legal name] and my email is [firstinitial lastname] so unless he’s been doin some pokin on facebook or something i d fuckin k honestly! A Mystery! probably the actual answer is that he has paid insufficient attention to get my name right but also he got it right in class on multiple occasions so ????

anyway on that note i am going to end this inexcusably long post so i can go to bed and then study a bunch and then take another exam tomorrow evening and then help Baby Sister move and then somehow produce a dauntingly-long paper out of currently-nothing, yikes yikes yikes! 

in the meantime we can all take bets on whether A— will give me the A+ that quite frankly my disgusting aptitude and enthusiasm deserve, or the significantly more dubious grade that my total failure to hand in any of the more boring assignments has technically probably consigned me to... i mean, to be clear, the grade is not remotely important! except for the part where i'm obviously going to use it to decide whether he liked me at all, because that’s obviously what grades mean! welcome to this embarrassing illustration of the ways in which my brain is in certain ways very good but also in other ways very very crazy!