#thatfrailsoul

[thatfrailsoul]

– I think I dreamed you into life

Divinatory Jukebox: “I Knew I Loved You”, by Savage Garden.

tarot pick a pile reading → one, two, three

Those eyes, those smiles, that sweetest smell once they let you closer… A face that you could recognise in an instant, even though it never was caressed by your gaze before. A voice that you can almost hear, as you are walking through this life, one step after another, devouring the distance and the time keeping you apart… All of it, every single detail, feels more like a memory, rather than imagination and desire to find that someone. It seems more like a fate that is taking a little longer, a secret that you somehow know and await to manifest. Something that, each day and instant, is whispering to you sweetly about all those moments your hearts are destined to share. But there is a missing peace in there somewhere. A detail they don't mention, leaving it all to your imagination and dreams. But it is so important… to know when and where your encounter will be, and what to do in the meantime… isn't it?

There is a little spot in your heart, buried under all the emotions, all the memories of people that were once there, and those that stayed… There is a little corner that is still not filled, that nothing and no one really fits. Almost like it's being saved for someone special, without you knowing a thing. A little surprise, a gift, something so precious that the life itself can’t resist the urge to give you clues and signs about them. About that one person that stands out so much among the others, with so many threads of destiny that are pulling you closer. A lover, a friend, a mirror of your own soul, made of the same stardust that birthed you into this world... There is someone, out there, that you still need to meet, and yet every inch of you already knows them. You feel them, you know they are coming, that your paths will soon cross each other.

So slow down. Calm your breath, your heart, your mind. And pay attention, listen closely, to the message that the pile that is calling you has for you right now.

p.s. There is a way to keep the messages of the universe much closer. A little box of treasure with all the guidance, all the advices, secrets we discover… A way to find my readings right in your inbox, where they are safe, all yours, and you can savour each word with your own rhythm, whenever your heart wants it… Through my free newsletter to which you can subscribe right here, obviously only if you want to.♡

p.p.s. Which pile you felt called by? Let me know, or follow me for more readings like this one.♡

– Pile One,

the stork: the two of cups and the three of coins

The voice of your tired and lonely mind is so loud lately… So motivated and persistent to let you know that it will never happen. That there aren't people that are so perfect as you imagine them, not even you compare to the one you envision… The one you feel so real only when you dream, eyes closed, with heavy breathing, as you search for them through your unconsciousness, the only light among all those nightmares, and the only place they seem to live in…

One after another, so many faces, voices, words… and not even one seems to be the one. So you are starting to think that perhaps you should just accept it and stay still, finding enough in those that are around you… But then again you are overwhelmed, like in a fever, with all the details about them that you already love so deeply, that start to feel more and more like memories, and not only what you dream of, not something that is so easy to forget and give up.

There is a constant battle within you. The cold reality and pure need to feel that warmth of a connection that is deeper. The mind that is ready to give up, that feels ashamed and even guilty for nurturing for so long a dream that never became more real… And a heart that knows, somehow, that it is possible, that it is worth to believe in and wait for it, that you can't be the only one to long for such connection, and thus you should be able to find it, to find them, sooner or later.

But even if it is so… There is no need to consume yourself so much for it. To fight so strongly, to exhaustion, for something that will either way find you, even if you will not do every single thing to make sure it happens, or perhaps to force it.

This soul, whoever they are, or whenever they are now in this moment… they exist, you know? They are living, breathing, moving through their days and journeys. They are writing their own story, their chapters, their slow or fast moments. And with each decision, with each step, they are following that thread that pulls their hand tenderly but so reassuringly, showing them the right and safest way. A way to find you.

So please breathe. There is no time running out, chances missed, or obstacles not avoided. There is nothing between you if not just life. The journeys, the stories, that you need to live on your own first. Before sharing another one with them, side by side, exactly like you hope for. There are just things that you need respectively to experience, to create. The things that only you or them can manifest. You can’t do everything on your own, speed up the process, find the right path, and run right away to that person. And it makes you feel hopeless, just because you think that these things are the only ones that could give you reassurance, be those signs that everything is going well, that this dream is still possible… But you don't realize, in this frustration, how many confirmations and signs are here already. In you and in the reality around you. In your growth, in your confidence, in your courage to be honest about whom you want to walk on your journeys with, and the confidence to say it out loud, to not settle for someone that you don't feel right and aligned for the life you want now. You see only connections that won’t work, people that leave, the emptiness around you. And not the space that they are making for someone else, right by your side, giving you the real chance to welcome them in your life once you will find each other.

Give them and yourself some time, some space to live your separate stories. Focus on your journey, on the things that you desire to experience, to do, to make, but put on hold just because there isn't someone to witness it, to enjoy them with you, to appreciate or admire it the same way you do. Don't bottle them down, don't write those endless lists of what you would do once you have someone to share it with. Just do it for yourself, now, when you the most want it.

Follow your mind, not only the heart's calling. Give it something to love and to be nurtured by too, now, so it can calm down and stop being so judgemental of your heart’s desires and whispers about someone that is not here. Fill your life with joy, with appreciation, with true presence. With healing and growth. And those things that you will finally feel and live, not those that you need to, but those that you want to, will be the ones to guide you faster to the one you are hoping to find one day. Because the things that connect you are not the choices about the work, the place where you live, how you dress, talk, or look at others. How many things you want to do with that someone, or how many plans you have prepared for the moment you will be in front of each other. No, a connection like this goes right through your hearts, somewhere deeper, stitching you through all those things that make you both bloom with love and joy, not for someone else, but for the world around you.

p.s.

buy me a tomato 🍅 (if you want to)

– Pile Two,

the garden: the wheel of fortune and the stars

It is so interesting to have you here… Glimpsing silently into a story that is not really about you, but that you would like so much to live just to don't feel so strange and different for not having it… For not having that love, that someone special to run towards.

You are here, reading these words, looking for the answers to the questions that you don't even ask yourself, just because others made you feel like it is wrong, to find enough in just your self, in not needing someone else’s love to surround you and nourish you to help you heal and grow.

But… You are not wandering lonely and pointlessly around now. You are living. Experiencing this life, these journeys. You are becoming more and more you, with each step. Shedding the past, healing the wounds, creating space for the real you to bloom. And... it is not useless, it is not wasting your time, being too isolated, egocentric or antisocial. Just because you are not looking obsessively for someone to hold your hand, to warm you up, to love you… Just because you are finding it all in your own self, looking first in your own eyes, trying to understand that soul in the reflection of a mirror, instead of seeking someone else's gaze in hopes to find in there any answers.

So many of us heal, discover our true self, through the connections with others. Through their opinions, their actions, their decisions… And how they makes us feel, what they force us to feel, not leaving any room for hiding or second-guessing. And it is right. In the good and in the bad. It is normal and needed to have someone that shows us who we are, how much we are deserving of love, through giving it to us or by denying it... But it is also okay to understand it all on your own. To feel all of this within, growing and healing through a connection that is much deeper, hidden inside, and not somewhere out there, in another soul that you need to meet in order to realize it.

There is no need for judgement nor any forcing, there is no need for you to wait to feel and create precious moments just because so many souls want to do it with someone. You can do it on your own. You can be the love of your life, the closest and dearest soul. You can be the one that you share the deepest bond with. The one that you will never be not mesmerized by. The one that you could never forget, never stop believing in. The one you can't wait to meet, some day, looking in the eyes of who you will become, feeling their love and understanding overwhelming your soul.

You can do it. Even if some dream of a perfect love, or others are longing for a true friend… You can do it differently, you can feel the closest to the person you will become one day, feeling complete already, not waiting nor looking for anyone else. Because this is who you are, this is what your soul truly wants. Who it is truly looking and calling for. And it is more than enough.

p.s.

buy me a tomato 🍅 (if you want to)

– Pile Three,

the scythe: the page of cups and the six of swords

In a sense… they already saved you. Not by being in your life, right here by your side. Not by holding you, hugging you, protecting you from this world. Not by whispering to you sweet and comforting words… But by just being a possibility. The chance itself that there is someone, somewhere out there, who would understand you right after the first glance, feel you after the first smile… It was enough to save you. To save yourself in the meantime.

It might not be ‘’ideal’’, the healthiest, the most romantic and heroic way to survive… But it is the reality. In which, sometimes and for some reason, we do feel alone and vulnerable, in danger even, among the people that we trust our heart with, after they scratch and crush it... And we do need to hope that there is someone different out there, to give us the strength to go through it, when our own love is not unfortunately enough to make it.

There is nothing strange or shameful in this. In giving yourself hope, someone to believe in, even if you don't know yet the sound of their voice. And in surviving for them, for a chance to meet them and be with them. In looking for them in the eyes of others, sometimes believing that you finally found them, convincing yourself a little too much perhaps, just to be hurt once more, when you didn't expect it anymore… It is fine. It is all okay. You are not delusional, your head is not too much in the clouds, your heart is not too romantic for the harsh reality of how the relationships are becoming now. You are not too naive because of your belief, or too egocentric when you choose it over some poorly made promises of those that never deserved to come so closely.

We all have someone, someone that we connect with so deeply, understand so naturally, so easily as breathing. And that's it. This is the truth. But some people believe it and some don't. Some know it from the beginning, others forget about it or refuse to hope for it. And some… learn and understand it amidst and despite everything. Exactly like you did. Choosing to focus on this thought, on this feeling, rather than the bad endings of the stories that everyone is so fast to believe in, surrendering to it.

They exist. Many of them. All the souls that you will feel finally safe and at peace with. And each your breath, each your step and decision, is already guiding you to them, exactly like it is supposed to be. You just need to remind it yourself, for a moment. Now that the life seems a little too stagnant, a little more cold and lonely, with all those judgemental voices screaming so loudly. Don't look at them, don't listen. Turn around, focus your gaze on your direction, your goals, the things that you believe in. Let them stay behind, becoming more and more indistinguibile, in their assumptions, and inability to have peace when someone still has hope for being loved and appreciated. It's their way of thinking, their experiences, their choices. They don't influence you, or your own journey. Nor the one of the souls that are looking for you, as you dream about them, hoping.

p.s.

buy me a tomato 🍅 (if you want to)

_

[moonlitrogue]

To @thatfrailsoul

Who put the fire in your eyes, the steel in your spine? Your quiet resolve to learn and deepen your soul? Holding joy and sorrow with equal grace. It's scary that things break in this world, isn't it? Teacups, hearts, clouds. You're learning to see the world for what it is and what it could be. When you sit by your desk and let the pen dance over the pages of your journal, I consider myself lucky to witness your mind at work. Not just your mind, your heart works in tandem trying to figure out a portal to clarity and self-acceptance. You're a lover in a time of fear, how dangerous. How admirable. How free.

Nothing is perfect in this world, it's true. Because there are no mistakes, only the poetry of who you are. We're all more than one life and one moment. So, are you. My dear, look no further. You're the beginning and the journey. You're the spark, the wave, the question and answer.

Yours,

мир

[thatfrailsoul]

– And I don't want your pity, I just want somebody near me

Divinatory jukebox : "Nobody", by Mitski

tarot pick a pile reading → one, two, three

It really does feel like gambling. The people, the connections, the bonds between us. The search for the right moments, right ways, right rhythms… that takes all the attention, all the feelings, leaving the bits of relationships that we manage to create to be just a mirage. A fever dream we go through with so many complications, anxiety, doubts and fears. Rushing us to the ending, to those cold goodbyes full of tears. And the only thing remaining is to wonder. Did we really experience it? Was it really possible for something like this to happen to begin with? And will this fate chase us down again, forcing us to relive it?

Connections are never easy to begin with. There are too many details and requirements, too much of that complex and at times frustrating humanity in them. Too many to make it work as easily… But we don't help ourselves either. Our mind, our judgement, our anger and frustration that are so easily thrown right back at us, at our own actions and decisions. The answers and explanations that we don't want to hear. The feelings that we don't want to feel because of the fear that it will make it all too real…

This reading is that one message that you are not reading, pretending that you never received it. That truth, that motive or the explanation, that you don't want to make yours. Something that you need to accept, to keep in mind, to learn or do… Something that this world is trying to tell you, with your whole castle of walls around you, hoping that you will allow it to come through. Hoping that you will take a moment to stay in silence and breathe. Listening to your inner voice, that will guide you to that one pile that hides your message in it.

{ Follow me for more readings, reblog or let me know in the comments which pile you chose - I'm really curious.♡ }

P.s. A little question for you ♡

– Pile One,

the clouds: the queen of cups and the knight of wands

picture from → pinterest

Your way of feeling, of loving… of showing it, never was the problem. It never depended on how much you changed for someone, or how much you embraced your own true self. It never was important that you did it for them, how you did it, even if they claimed that it was everything. It never really made any difference, not when all that you did and tried was something that they expected from someone else... Yes, every single one of them.

Every person, every relationship, every connection that faded right before your eyes... They said they wanted it all from you, not realising that they needed it from themselves. Because we do project, we do confuse the things, we do misunderstand the reason behind what we feel. And we almost never admit it, never think that it is only something ours. We cry at what we don't receive from others, what we don't find, what we don't feel. But in reality is at us that we are screaming, not understanding how is it possible that someone that is supposed to genuinely and unconditionally love us, can’t simply make us feel safe and enough within, to the point that we need to seek it in others, begging for it…

But, ironically enough, this story is not about you. You were only the witness of it, again and again, so many times in all these years. You were the person that was used as a mirror, condemned to listen to so many tones in their voices, to see so many contrasting emotions on their faces, thinking that they were looking at you, but not realising that they weren't really seeing you, that they weren't talking to you.

And amidst all of it, you hid yourself. You closed up. Seeking that moment of silence and apparent calm, that space to reflect and think. You tried to understand, to really listen to all those words that are still right here in your mind, hurting you every time you thought you forgot them. You looked for that truth, for that explanation on what you really did wrong, how it could've happen so many times, in so many different situations, with so many different people across the time. But you never found it. So, in doubt, you just chose to never really come back. To not expose your apparently dangerous self to all those innocent souls. To not express your feelings, not through actions nor words, just to not burden them all. Those poor ones that might be forced to endure your wrong type of love.

But it is ridiculous. You don't have so much power over others. No one has such power, except when it is used on our own selves. You can’t be possibly the reason of every disgrace or conflict. And you know it. You are just not able to remind it to yourself, being under all the garbage of their own internal problems that they throw at you without any shame.

It is indeed a too much of a coincidence that it happened so many times with so many different people. But you are not the one that connects them. Or to be exact, not in a way that you convinced yourself you do.

Your love, your ways, just who you are, are not the ones to cause so much distress and pain, you are not the one to broke them down, to destroy their walls and stab them. You are just someone who has a gentle and tender enough way to make them all feel safe. Safe to get closer. Safe to trust. Safe to open up more and more, without realising that all that they were ignoring and bottling down up until now, will simply explode, reversing all their anger on those that are with them, on those that care and want to help them.

You are just that kind, that understanding and patient. Enough to assure others that you won't allow anyone to hurt them so much. That you won’t allow even your own hands to scratch them, always ready to correct yourself and change just to protect their heart. But you can’t always do it. You can’t heal the wounds that they themselves are opening up. You can’t find a cure for an illness that they themselves aren't aware of where it is coming from. You can’t understand it yourself, and then make them understand that you are not the one that they are resenting so much. Not when you both are so resilient in not accepting it.

It is a heavy fate, the one of making others feel so accepted and safe that they don't hold anything back, not even things that have nothing to do with you and what you can make work… But it is not a reason to hide yourself. To keep you in the shadows, never again crossing other paths. It is not your fault that you love strongly and sincerely enough to make others want to escape their traumas, their pains and fears, just for a chance to feel and see this world the same way you did. And it is not your responsibility, the fact that they don't know how to control it, how to sort all of it, once it crashes down upon them.

The only thing you do is love. In all the ways and forms. All you do is being caring, understanding, open… So why would you change it when they see it as something else, as too much or not enough, just because it is different from the love they got used to? Let them go, let them pass by, if they can’t feel satisfied, if they want more as soon as you are willing to give them what others never wanted. But don't do so convinced of the fact that there won’t be someone that will see in you enough. Someone that would feel the same and express it in the same way. Someone that will find you, as soon as you make a step out of the punishment of loneliness that you put yourself in.

– Pile Two,

the birds: the king of cups and the two of cups

picture from → pinterest

You crave them, those feelings. The understanding, the acceptance, the complicity, the intimacy… And yet you force yourself to stop before, every single time you catch a glimpse of it, of the possibility to have it.

Can it be called self sabotage? Self defence? Trauma? Perhaps. But at its core is only the uncertainty of what it will lead to. The wander about whether you will truly find someone that understands you, if they will be really so aligned with you like it seems to? If their thoughts will follow the same flow of energy… Or if their mask of appearance will come down, revealing a wolf in the sheep’s skin, ready to devour you and your every feeling.

It just seems to you like a promise of a heartbreak, long before even connecting. All the time spent together, the little moments that were created, every shy way to get to know each other better… only for them to become someone you need to escape from. It doesn't seem worth it, it doesn't seem safe. It feels just like another losing game destined to leave you feeling played.

But… what else can be a stronger protective or revealing spell than our own words? What else can really shows us who we are and who is standing in front of us? What can be powerful and intimate enough to guide us right to others people core, to their soul, overcoming every obstacle they put in front just to protect themselves from others? And how else someone could ever find us, recognise us, without never listening to the voice of our heart, without seeing what our mind hides?

It is a risk, it is a long and intimidating chess game. But it is not at all worthless, not when it gives you a chance to know your opponent. Perhaps discovering that they are not playing to make you lose in your battle, but only to have a chance to be beside you, to get close to you, through a dance of lunges and parries, until one of you loses all the armour and weapons, remaining vulnerable in front of the other… and seeing in their gaze only admiration and the desire to hold your hand to help you get up stronger.

You are protecting yourself, hiding, making silent and fast steps in the shadows, hoping that no one will notice you, no one will reach out for you and pull you right under the painfully strong and inquisitive light. But while containing your breath, feeling that you only want to come back to your own safe bubble... you also, sometimes, slow down and stutter. When you see someone so bright that it is impossible to not cling to them with your eyes. Someone with a voice so sweet, a laughter so genuinely joyful and free, that you keep hearing them inside your mind for days to come, unable to forget what it sounded like. Someone so caring, so gentle and delicate in their ways, that you can't help but observe them from your hiding spot, admiring them like an angel that somehow survived amidst these mean and angry souls. You still do it, even if you tell yourself that it doesn't matter, that it doesn't mean anything because you will never again come out and get closer to them. You still do it, even if later you tell yourself that it was probably all false, a well played role in this life’s theatre. You still admire them, the people. Their ways, their character, their interests. You still feel that desire to come closer, to see their eyes and the whole universes inside them.

So why don't you just do it? Why don't you let yourself free from this cage that you put yourself in, convinced that it would protect you? Why don't you just connect, not for the future, not for a chance, not for the outcome… but only for that single moment? Because connection is not only about the bonds we create, the relationships that we later have. It is not only about if one thing was true or a lie, a promise or a betrayal to our heart. It is also that one moment, that one second, in which you feel that admiration, that excitement, that desire for more. It is that complicity, those smiles, those bright and joyful eyes. It is that interest, or attraction, or even playfulness caused by all the outcomes that those moments can create and make possible now, make them real.

You are not only protecting yourself from the worst, the most dangerous, the most painful moments… but from those that can make you feel safe and whole too. Those that could teach you, inspire you, guide you. Those that could bring those emotions and colours to a life that is now becoming a little too silent, too heavy in the emptiness they are forcing on your heart.

Make that step forward, allow others to see you, to hear you. Allow them to get to know you as you connect with them. Not just for those relationships that you could create and that already overwhelm your mind with all the things you should fear and worry about… But for you two. Those versions of you and them in this exact moment, so innocent and genuine. That don't have any fault. That didn't yet do anything bad, if not feeling called by another soul.

– Pile Three,

the birds: the eight of coins and the seven of wands

picture from → pinterest

You welcomed them in. Every single one of them. So many souls that you courageously connected with. So many minds that you genuinely understood. So many hearts that you devotedly took care of… No matter what it took, no matter how difficult at times it was. How often you felt torn apart, consumed, by their lives and stories, remaining with so little patience, strength and courage to take care of yourself, of your days and journeys…

There wasn't anything that was too hard, too much to do for them. There wasn't anyone that didn't deserve more attention, more patience, even as you were bleeding because of them. It felt as normal and necessary as breathing, to take care of them, to defend them… even from your own self, when their voices raised in accusation of your love being too suffocating, your desire to help and care, too much.

One after another they changed their mind, their appreciation, their gratefulness for what you did for them, for your way to be and care… And from being cherished and known as someone who is just so caring and loving, one day, you became someone who no one wanted anymore, not so close to them.

They knew better, they were doing everything right, and your suggestions or worries weren't anymore so needed, they became advices no one asked and apprehension no one wanted to be the focus of. They all became mature, independent, and strong enough to face this world on their own. Forgetting thanks to whom they were able to grow and learn so much, who was there by their side every time they'd fall, even if it was difficult for your own self to stand tall as you were holding them.

And while you couldn't force yourself to be angry at their confidence and growth, you also couldn't ignore the fact that it wasn't only this, there was annoyance and resentment too… for the aspects and ways of you that they used to love, choose and look up at you for. And for a heart that is genuine as yours, who can’t and doesn't want to see the bad in those that you love… it is simply confusing. A change so sudden in their behaviour and preference for you and who you are supposed to be. And so many of their voices, of whom used to beg for you to be more closer, that now ask you with anger and frustration why you are here, so ever present?

You can't understand it unless you are in their mind. And they won't tell you what happened either… Because for them the only one to change was you, now that all that they asked for became too much and not anymore needed for them. So you took a step back. Became more silent, more reserved. Not because you wanted to, because you were shy or afraid of being more… But simply because it seemed what all of them wanted. A connection that is only superficial, without any bits of true bond in it, more distanced, more cold. And, just to be sure, you did the same with others too, those that still didn't had a chance to get to see more of you, receive your attention and love, and now will never do. Because you can’t know if they will truly appreciate you or if, apparently, they'll only use you.

But is it really the right thing to do, the right solution? The one to condemn and treat someone coldly, because of another person that actually deserved it? Is it right to ignore those that want to be closer, just because someone else once didn't stay longer? To don't help those that feel so lost and confused, even when every inch of your soul wants to hold them tightly and show them how to go through it?

You are compassionate, you are gentle, you are caring. You want and need to be this way genuinely, without any expectation for others. You are that kind of person that is healing this world, taking care of it, helping us grow with your love and knowledge and experience. And yet you are forcing yourself to become like others, colder, distanced, not interested in what someone feels or goes through. You are trying to change your character, the way you are, the things that you are devoted to and your morals… And because of what? Some people that got up so easily thanks to your support to think that they made it on their own. So naively, like a child who is rushing to show you how well they go on that bike, not seeing that hand that safely holds them.

They might not realise it now. They might continue to think like this for a really long time. But sooner or later they will look back and see all that you did for them, silently thanking you, hoping once again for your forgiveness. But in the meantime, you didn't do it only to have that back, didn't you? You were this way with them because this is who you are, not for them to appreciate it. So why stop being you because of those few? Why putting on pause who you are, not allowing yourself to be this way with anyone else, until those specific people realise their mistakes?

Be you. Be true. Be open and honest. Unlimited in the way you love and care, in the way you truly engage with others. Don't change yourself. Don't try to be someone else who you are not, don't present yourself to new souls this way, because you are much more. And there are so many people who will appreciate your ways and understand their worth.

_

[thatfrailsoul]

– If you love me, then love me from the heart

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

Slow down for a moment. Give your conscious mind a moment of rest, allow it to step back. Instead, listen to your subconscious mind, to that inner voice, to the intuition that is guiding you to the pile in which your message hides. A message about the love that your heart is longing for. The one that you are hoping to find…

This is our third reading from our divinatory jukebox, inspired by possibly one of the most beautiful songs that I've ever heard - "Yağmur Yağar Taş Üstüne" by Mustafa Güzel and Batuhan Fırat (feat. Belkıs Güzel). I'm so deeply grateful for the person that suggested this song and gave us the possibility not only to discover it, but also to have such a deep and tender message through this reading. It is difficult to find the correct translation for this song, but I strongly encourage you to listen and read it, as it is simply magical in the softest way. I will leave you the links that were recommended to me here, in case you would like to listen to it. And if you would like to see a pick a pile reading inspired by your favourite song, you can discover more about how to participate here↓♡!

♪♡♪ Divinatory Jukebox ♪♡♪

P.s. This is my first attempt at a longer reading, so if you feel comfortable please let me know in the comments what you think of it! If you prefer the shorter ones, if there is any aspect of the reading that makes it difficult for you to read it, or in case you will take a look at the extended version of this reading, if you would prefer to have something more specific in the additional messages of our readings - I will cherish your opinion and use it to get better with each post!♡

– Pile One,

{ The love that you are longing for }

the magician, the seven of swords, the page of coins

Love… you so often consider it just a feeling. A feeling that after all these years alive you still can really connect only to your own self. To you who seems to be the only one to feel it. To give it. While all that others do is receive it from you. Giving you back some gratitude perhaps, but never something that feels like what you gave them. Nothing that really fills in that part of you that was emptied for them… Making you really wonder if perhaps you got it wrong for all this time, if what you considered love never was it. If you imagined and expected it to be more, made it be more. Giving others much more than any person could ever give you in return, more than you ever should've done…

All that attention, that care, that genuine dedication that you put in, time after time, for every soul that was close, going out of your way to be there, right by their side for whatever might come… But still standing alone when facing your hardships, your difficult moments. Only you on the first line, out there in the cold, just you against this world… You genuinely never thought that this is what love would be. You expected something different from what you always received from others before. A complete opposite of having to do everything on your own, of that fear of what will happen to you if one day things in your life won't work anymore. You thought that it should be different from that because you know for sure that all those years of struggle alone never had even a bit of love in them, not from the people that were all that time around and close to you, but never did anything to help you, apart from telling you that this is how it works and that you should grow and take care of yourself on your own.

You alway imagined it, in those dark and painful nights, a hug, a caressing hand, a soft voice that assures you that everything will be okay, that it won't be forever this way, that you are not alone but you will always have them… So you did your best to be deserving, manifesting those tender and loving ways through your own self. Through the way you looked after others, the way you cared for them. Not only knowing that this is the right way to treat others, the way you genuinely want to be, but that it will be also worth it, that you will one day feel the love you gave, through others that will do the same… But it never came. You never saw your reflection in them, you never saw that part of your heart that you gave away being nourished and taken care of… it was always mostly just appreciated in the moment. And forgotten. Or worst, taken advantage of by expecting or asking more. So after all these tears, all the days dedicated to others instead of yourself, all your prayers for help and support, just a little comfort, that you never received because they are too busy to take a moment to give you back that love that you never declined them…. You started to think that you are in the wrong. That the love you always waited for is just a dream that the real concept of love can’t live up to. No matter how much you can look for it or want it. It is simply not something possible. And you are asking for too much.

{ What this is all for }

the judgement, the ace of swords, the lovers

This world, this life in general… has a really unique way of helping us to learn, of guiding us in or through the right direction and path, of letting us know that everything will be alright… Their language is so different from ours that we really struggle to understand it, those words that come in the form of pure feelings directly from within us. The ones that we should trust the most but never do so. Especially when it comes to love, something that we so much idealise, something that we have so much desire for.

Your heart is so sincerely tired, it went through so many betrayals and wounds inflicted by those that you tried to love. To the point that it simply feels that heaviness, that weight of this experience that you never really wanted to begin with. So you feel like you are ready for something else, for that love that you did all of this for, if it even exists at all. But are you really sure of it..? Of knowing so well the person that you would like to have by your side each day, their character, their behaviour, their values? Are you sure that you really did look for them and not just anyone who seemed to be able to love? Are you sure that you really know your worth and the one of your love, how one must love you in order to really give you all that your heart needs and wants? Or did you think that you knew it before, and now you are settling for much less than you are deserving of, because of the overwhelming loneliness and fear that it will be this way for the rest of your days unless you accept whatever one gives you in return? Are you sure that you are remaining loyal to your own self and your soul, instead of trying to “sell” it to whoever is close and good enough?

Because, even though perhaps you are not doing it consciously, but you are changing. Little by little. Not in terms of who you are, but in the ones of who you allow others to consider you. Leaving it up to them to decide how much you deserve, what is the worth of your love and care that you give them after letting them in, where only the most sincere, genuine and trustworthy should belong. You just give them your all. Every single time. Without any limit or hesitation. Not even when all that you receive is another rude phrase, some judgement, coldness and distance once they got up and healed thanks to your love. You just do it. For everyone. Not choosing carefully, but treating every soul as the right one. And not in a good sense. Instead, you are not listening anymore to your own intuition or feelings, not trusting your own mind that recognises the things that are too off. You are just rushing in this hunt for “the one” as the time passes and you feel more and more scared and alone. You are throwing yourself at every possible connection, all in, wandering each time that it goes wrong what you did too little or too much of. And not realising anymore that it is not about how you love, if it is in the right way or the wrong one… But rather who you choose, even force yourself, to love. And how they are simply not the right one, no matter how much you sacrifice of your own values and preferences, just to make them fit in the place that it is not theirs to hold.

All these bad endings, failures, mistakes that you consider yours to be responsible for… Are just a natural consequence of you settling for less than you really desire and need in order to feel loved. All that sadness, that loneliness… are only your subconscious, your own heart that you willingly ignored at first, but that after some time managed to be heard by you, letting you know that the way you are treated, the crumbs that you accept, will never truly be enough.

Those endings, those coincidences that are never in your favour, those interferences in your connections from the outside world… are just its efforts to protect you and communicate with you, trying to show you that refusing your own standards is not what can help you find them, that right person that you can truly feel safe and understood with… Adapting to another person and changing, it is not what will make them love you like you want. It will only keep you stuck in a play pretend. Put you in situations and relationships that you won’t feel appreciated and cherished in. It will consume you from inside out, slowly but surely, just because that one time you believed more others, than your own self that always knew what was best and right for you, what you really wanted to feel and who you wanted to have with you…

The time already passed, you already got through so much. You can’t do anything about it, and it is alright. But you can do yourself a favour and listen again to your own heart, before following that overwhelming fear and anxiety of being left alone in the cold and the dark. Your heart, your love, they are unique. But not at all the only ones. There is a soul, out there, that is your perfect reflection, someone who resonates so much with your ways of feeling love. And you can and will find them. The moment you stop seeing all that happened and you went through as the mistakes you made, ways that you can be better by being more or less… And start to see them as simply were and when the things didn't feel right for your heart, for who you are. Because those things that you felt the lack of, or perhaps as though it is just too much, are the ones that you need to hold onto, to look for in others. Instead of ignoring them, just so you can fit in the perfect version of love of someone and they can accept you, even though you are not theirs to love…

Although it seems so easy to do through words… We know too well that sometimes it is not enough to just choose to listen to our heart more. It is not always enough when we, in a certain way, forget its language, when we are not able anymore to comprehend it and separate it from the voice of our mind that we learned to follow… For this reason, there is an additional message for you, if you want to, in our extended version of this reading. What you need to know and remember as you continue on this journey, in this search of the right person for you, but also of the confidence and trust in your own heart, that will be the things that will change everything about the situation in which you are now.♡↓

{ a little message for you }

—

– Pile Two,

{ The love that you are longing for }

the wheel of fortune, the sun, the devil

It happened so many times… So often you felt overwhelmed, completely overtaken, by the life of someone you loved… Their problems, their difficulties, their fears that became yours. Yours to resolve, yours to take care of, yours to endure, even though you never could really influence them, not the things that depended on their actions, their decisions. Not when it was something that was purely theirs to create, destroy and live… It happened so many times, truly. You felt so often the urge to be there for someone, just because you knew them, just because you saw their struggle and couldn't help but to try to save them. Because this is what everyone deserves, yes… But with those that had a special place in your heart, those that you felt so close to you, so needed as the air you breathe, there never was a chance for you to say no. Not when your heart so ardently fought for them each day, no matter if it was your battle, your victory to take or not.

One by one they took a part of your life from you, gladly accepting your love, your support and help. And leaving it all to you, to your heart and mind that never were supposed to live so many lives, go through so many situations and emotions, bear so many consequences that were coming from actions that simply weren't yours. And they took it from you. That time and energy, the courage and strength that otherwise would have gone to you, to your own healing, growth and protection. They took it all from you and, worst of all, they were able to do so thanks to you. You who gave it to them, all that you had, in the name of the love that you felt. You that not even once regretted it. Not in the moment at least…

They took so much from you, making you get used to it, to have so little, to give away so much… That now, for once, you want to find someone different. Someone who will not take advantage of your heart. Someone who will understand that, no matter how much you want and try, it is not the right thing to leave it all up to you, to handle their life… Someone who, for once, just knows more, knows better. Someone who can teach you, gently, softly, as they protect you from your own self, from your own urge to disintegrate yourself for the happiness and safety of someone else.

For once… you want to be overwhelmed by someone's joy, their hope, their desire to be here and to live this life. Their strength to choose to see the best aspects of the things. Their strength to be patient, to have faith, to believe that everything will work out in the end. For once you want to receive that strength, not to give it away. For once you want to be protected, guided, as you trust someone who doesn't expect you to lead the way out of the darkness of their days…

It might sound selfish to some, so entitled to look for someone who has it all figured out, who has better and more control of their life… But you are simply tired. And a little lost, if one can say the truth. Tired of figuring everything out constantly, keeping others above the water, as they push you down, never thinking of the air they are taking away from you. It’s not about an easier life, about receiving constant help or guidance, leaving it up to others to make the choice for you… It is about just wanting to have something that is left for your own self too. A little time, a little love, that you can give yourself without being afraid that in the meantime someone would get upset or hurt. You just want to be able to take care of yourself too, not only of those that you love, of your connections, of your situations, that seem to be destroyed each moment you are not looking after them. You just want to have someone that is by your side, living their life, instead of living yours that becomes so scarily about them, their necessities, their dreams, their worry and losses. You just want someone to learn from, or together, how to live this life in the most right and healthy, loving way. Not to teach it. While you yourself don't have any idea of how you are still here, how you made it until now every day.

{ Will you ever find someone like them }

the justice, the eight of wands, the queen of wands

This new and almost desperate desire in your heart now, might feel a lot like frustration, the last realisation of how things should've been when everything already happened, when it is too late to change them… But instead of a tragic end, it is more of a hopeful and promising beginning. The one that you are creating with your each thought, with each moment of understanding of what it is that you really want to feel, when sharing your love. The taste of it, the feeling, the emotions it can give you. With each found answer in your heart you are changing your life, much more than you expect now. Because it really is all about your choices. Your decision of who you will be accepting into your life from now on.

There is a part of you that is growing, getting stronger, preparing to be vigilant and serious about its duty: the one to protect your heart. One little thought created by the tiredness, the sadness of all that you endured… was enough to move the waves of the whole world, of the reality around you. Of who will be brought right to you, and who will be pulled back, not being the right ones. Changing your connections one step, one person at a time. Giving you back the right to decide for yourself, making you remember that you can in fact do it, you can choose the ones dear to your heart.

And it won’t be delusion, entitlement, selfishness, or any sort of limit that you will put on your heart… It will be just you, all grown up, who will now know that it is okay to not take it all on yourself, whatever and whoever comes, because of the fear of what not doing it will cause. It will be your understanding that people can and will make it through on their own, even if they are so afraid or feel incapable of facing their life right now. And it will be also your acceptance that not every story you hear is yours to live, to feel, to make sure it has a good ending. Not everyone is yours to protect and help. Not everyone has the right to come before your own self.

It might be a change that will take its time to settle in, especially in your heart that is just so full of love. Love that you didn't give yourself for so long, pouring it all in the needing hands of those by your side. But it will happen. It will feel safe and right, to allow yourself to choose how much the realities of others influence your life. And as you will go through it, as you will seek that courage and strength… It will be enough to remember that everything will be okay. Even in those moments of uncertainty, it will be enough to hold on tight to the message that we will receive, if you want to, in the extended version of this reading. A message about how you can and will change your life.♡↓

{ a little message for you }

—

– Pile Three,

{ The love that you are longing for }

the ten of wands, the star, the death

It is so difficult to need to explain yourself, your actions, your urges, your reactions. It is tiring to open up your mind and your heart sharing them with others, again and again. Just for them to not understand it, to not pay the slightest of attention, to not take it seriously, all those things that are still consuming your soul… It just feels so useless to go through it, to come out of your comfort zone so hopeful that they would be that right person… only to see them walk away, who scared, who uncomfortable, who deluded or bored. Leaving you feeling like a poor seller who is unable to demonstrate the worth of your broken, lived, soul. When you don't even want to do it in the first place. When it is so ridiculous that you need constantly and so fiercely to defend or explain your wounds, as if they didn't already hurt enough.

It just consumes you. Consumes your every desire to go out there, interact and try to connect with people, creating with such dedication a relationship that - you know it too well - will just be destroyed. By your own past, your own frail soul that is too difficult for others to manage, to use or control. Too delicate to do anything with it without hurting it more.

Deep down you know that not every single person you met was truly so evil at their core. But it still hurts you like hell, being rejected, just put aside, simply because of the way you feel so strongly and deeply every detail about this world. Just because you have more depth to your feelings, more power to the emotions that simply overwhelm you, good or bad, every single bit of them that fills you whole. And that you welcome and feel completely, still remembering how cold and dark it was when there weren't any emotions in you at all.

It just would've been much easier, for once, to not have the need to defend yourself, the way you became. If for once the one in front of you focused on who you are now, and not on who you were or who you could become if only you suppress your soul. Because you changed, yes, and it might be sad to not have that spark that others adored so much about you anymore. But the you who survived still and always deserves the same admiration and love, perhaps even more, after all that you were able to endure. This you who is so different is still you. The you who gave you the strength and courage to face it all. The you who shouldn't at all be forced to explain yourself to those that can't even do one thing: just listen to you, hear you truly, at least for once.

Because it is not so difficult, in the end, to just accept someone and love them for the way they are, without any if or but. You know it well, because you always did it and always do with everyone that is close to you. But while they can be themselves, knowing that they will be truly safe with you, their every wound that will be taken care of without any judgement or expectation to receive something in return… You are always asked to be less or more. To hide your pain, to be more joyful. To not react too much to the things that hurt you. To, instead, be more understanding and patient, accepting, of the ways of others. Even though they never tolerate yours.

So you remain here, among so many of them but still feeling so lonely, so trapped, exactly like it used to feel before. You still are being hurt, even though you had so much courage in not hiding yourself, your scars. Even though you learned to have the needed strength to stand your ground when others didn't see that they were stepping on your heart… And you still hope. That one day, somewhere and someone, for once will just feel drawn to you. Not a memory of you or your potential change. Just someone who, for once, is gentle and kind in their ways. Not because you asked them to, not because they were forced by your tears… But just because they are connected enough to their own heart. Enough to recognise the painfully familiar stories behind your tired and scared eyes. Just one person, just one single time would be enough. Just one single moment in which you would feel loved and cherished the way you are, even with all those fears and doubts that everyone has always something to say about. Just one true and genuine connection. One single chance for your heart to find again the hope that you, exactly the way you are now after all your battles, not less not more, will be enough.

{ You are not in the wrong }

the page of coins, the strength, the six of cups

Finally standing up for yourself, taking your defence, pushing back those that don't make you anymore feel safe… it took a lot of courage, especially when every decision that was already hard enough was also met with judgement, with pure rage, just because for once you weren't ready to be there for someone else. But while you thought that the worst part will be this, finding the strength to prioritise yourself, the most difficult part revealed itself to be resisting the urge to take all your words back, bowing your head, surrendering to discourses of others about how you shouldn't ever do that again, and coming back to your old and consumed self, asking it to endure it once again. But this time with the full awareness of how it is wrong, to give away so much of you, remaining with so little that it is never enough to take care of your own heart and mind…

You are resisting it now with all your strength, but the single thought that they might be right, that you are indeed acting too selfishly, is already enough to shake you to your core, to fill you with the pure terror that you might be becoming one of those that hurt you, coming down to their level without realising what you've done.

But you are not. I promise you. There is nothing wrong in putting yourself first for once. There are no mistakes when you are acting from your heart, from the pure desire to protect yourself now that you are realising that it all just has been too much. You are not the villain here, even if perhaps there isn't one among them either. There is no evil in knowing what you deserve and want, and not accepting nothing less from others, even if they so perfectly mask it with words like “It is the way I love”, “This is the best for you, the best you can ever find or hope for”...

You’ve endured a lot, so much that it is truly non conceivable and admissible that someone belittles it. That someone doesn't give it the importance and incredibly powerful and heart wrenching meaning that you surviving all of that holds. Don't stop for them, for their fears that you will change. Because it has already happened, in the good and in the bad. And if someone can't accept and respect the new you, if they, even in the name of their love, can't accept you… then it is okay. There will be someone else. Someone else who will meet you, get to know you, and learn to appreciate and cherish you for the way you are now, not a memory of who you were.

It might be sad to let go of some people, to lose some connections. It might be frustrating to see their absolute conviction that you are the one in the wrong… But you are tired now, you feel weak after needing to fight against them again and again just to protect yourself… so don't waste your last remaining energy on them, on proving them wrong when they already ended this story as it is more convenient for them in their head. Let them go. Let them be. Not to allow them to think that they are right. But for your own self and to give you that space and time to rest and recover, to take care of yourself.

This world is vast, there are so many of us. Remaining now for a moment alone… doesn't at all condemn you to have all the days of your life lonely and cold. It is just a phase, just a precious moment that will sign a new step in your growth, in how much you consider your own worth and protect yourself at all costs. People come and go. Some are good and some are not. But you are unique, you are the only one you have, the most important person that you need to love and take care of. Even if it means to not accept the love of others, simply because it is so different from what you are longing for. Even if it means to reject the company that you so much want, because they never offer it genuinely but only when it is so convenient and needed for them.

Times will change, you'll start new journeys, go through different paths that will align with others, new and completely different persons. And you'll create new connections, better ones. Better because of the ways and motives of those that will come closer. Better because you will be much more rested, healed and confident after this focus on yourself and this pause. Better because there won't be any play pretend, endurance or feelings that will be ignored. It will be better. Simply because you will learn from your mistakes, you will grow. And so will those that you will let go of, but not at your own expense and endurance of the way your heart hurts for them. Because they might not realise it now, they might be so convinced that you are the one hurting them… but you are making the best decision not only for your own self, but even for them. You are giving all of you a new chance. A chance that you for sure will take and use it to nourish a new beginning in your life, new connections that will love you, cherish you, protect you at all costs. Exactly like it should be between truly loving souls.

And if it feels still a little too overwhelming, a little too scary and unsure, the decision to put yourself first… There is a little message about the future, at what it holds, in our extended version of this reading, right here, if you want or feel the need to hear more.♡↓

{ a little message for you }

—

_

[thatfrailsoul]

– The look in your eyes, got me hypnotized

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

There are people that just have something about them... Something that makes you unable to resist the urge to follow them, to get closer... Just to feel their energy around you. Just to receive their attention, feel their gaze on you. There is just something so magnetic about those that inevitably call you. A bait that leads you again and again into the trap of someone so intoxicatingly loving, so painful in the way they grasp your heart. There are many moments in our life when we are captured, hypnotized, by someone. A dangerous love, a painful friendship, a delusional connection, a misleading admiration... But how can we ever be able to resist them, protecting our soul from the ones that try to steal it, make it theirs to play with and enjoy?

This is our first pick a pile reading from the Divinatory Jukebox - I'm so happy that so many of you liked this idea! (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )づ♡

Apart from being obviously inspired by the story that this song narrates - "Hypnotized" by Funk Tribu and Part Time Killer - this reading was also guided by my cards, that showed me the point of view from which we should listen to this song, the way it wants us to feel, what it wants us to understand right now, what that part of our subconscious that resonates with it wants us to realize...

P.s. If you would like to see a reading inspired by your suggested song, you can learn more about how to participate here ↓

♪♡♪ Divinatory Jukebox ♪♡♪

Slow down for a moment. Give your conscious mind a moment of rest, allow it to step back. And listen to your subconscious instead, to that inner voice, to the intuition that is guiding you to the pile in which your message hides.

( You can scroll right down to your pile, but if you have a moment to spare - there is something that I would love to hear your opinion about.♡ )

In my each reading, I dive as deeper as I can into the topic or situation that we are looking at. I call for the most needed information for you, the guidance that is the most important for you to receive now... But as useful and right, I sometimes feel a sour taste after a reading. Simply because I understand too well that so often there is much much more that we personally might want to know, more details that we want to hear, more things that we want to be aware of... For this reason, and also to give myself a little more help financially, I was considering on doing extended versions of our pick a pile readings. An addition to each pile of a reading that we do, through which we will be able to have even more details about the situation. So we have not only the message that we need, but also the answers to the questions that we are most curious about.

{ Thank you for letting me know!♡ }

_

– Pile one,

the seven of cups, the death, the five of cups

To be seen, to be noticed amidst all the other ones... To be hold onto so tightly... To be chosen so fiercely and passionately again and again... There is nothing wrong about it. There is nothing wrong or entitled in just wanting to feel so needed and desired. So important and necessary for someone just for once... But when the part of us that desires it so much, finds it so romantic and loving, is the one that has so many wounds, that bleeds still because of all the times it was left behind or put aside... It is no longer just a desire. With each moment and connection that it passes without it, it transforms it into a weapon against us. And worst of all, a weapon that we don't realize to be the ones to hold.

Because for our honest, most genuine and softest heart, to be chosen is to be loved, to be enough, to be that all that someone needs or might want. It doesn't consider being a part of a plan, a part of a temporary satisfaction. It doesn't imagine that others might choose us, but only for a moment that will soon pass. We don't think so superficially, we don't focus only on the now, even if it is all that we hoped for... Our mind and heart rushes, moves forward in time, in our dreams and expectations for a fairytale like story that we think just began. We imagine and start to wait for more moments to create with them, and even difficulties that would be so easy to overcome now that there is someone by our side. We still feel that fear, still overthink and expect the worse. But we also fight every doubt and negative thought with the reminders of their gentleness and comprehension. We soothe ourselves with their loving ways, with the conviction that nothing can really tear us apart. Not when they were the ones to choose us, to come closer to us. Not when they were the ones to take care of us and promise us so much.

So when times change, when the first challenge arrives... we are armed with that sureness that everything will be alright that we created in our heart. Even if it is not just external interference. Even if it comes from them, from their suddenly confusing and so different ways. We still endure it and wait for the best, thanks to that enthusiasm and sureness that just being noticed and chosen created in ourselves. And it becomes only stronger when things do work out. When that person, after making a "mistake", taking some time or hurting us for the first time, comes indeed back and speaks so wholeheartedly about how they understood what they've done and how they will never allow it to happen again... It just makes our conviction stronger, our heart and mind even more infatuated with this perfect story of redemption in the name of love. In our name...

And then it happens again. And again, and again, and again. But we endure it, we are patient, we are understanding, we are hopeful of the fact that everything will be alright. And we fail to see the pattern. The way it happens so similarly every time. The mistake. The hurt. The regret. The forgiveness. And back from the start. Every single time, one after another, a well done play that for so long we consider being something normal... Just because we were convinced of it through the sweet and loving words.

We allow it to happen, without even knowing that we are the ones to allow it. Without understanding that this is indeed not normal. That this, in the first place, is not even what we were looking for when desiring to be chosen. And it just becomes a neverending cycle. With the same person or with the others. In the same exact way, or worse, in newer and ever changing ones. We never have a break. We never feel truly safe and chosen over other people or things. But we just become someone who is so convenient for when things get boring. So easy to maintain with just a few tender words and gentle ways.

And when it is described this way... It seems so obvious how it is wrong and dangerous, and how easy it is to recognise it and to avoid... But it is more tricky than it looks. It is much more difficult to recognise the danger, something that is wrong, when not only it is all that you've known for so long... But also the only one that you ever received from another soul.

Because recognising it is not the only step. There is also the one of refusing it, of walking away and not taking that "bait". But is it really so easy to ignore it, when you know that it might be the only food that you will find in miles and miles that you will need to survive? Facing loneliness, the coldness around you as there is no one to warm even a little your heart... It is not easy at all to face it. And it is even more difficult to choose it, condemning yourself to that silence and void, that absence of smiles, of laughter, of the joy of having someone sometimes by your side. It is not really the decision to hurt yourself. But the one of hurting you less, by giving yourself at least something, even if it is not the exact thing you desired.

Or at least so you thought... What in the theory of a broken and tired heart makes sense, reveals later to be something much more draining and hurtful than you can bear in the reality of your days. The days that perhaps are really not that bad, even if you are the only one to witness them... They are not so cold, even if you have only the warmth of your own heart. They are for sure different from what you desire, or even from what others might expect from you. But not for this reason they are useless or not worth it. To be lived for your own self, candied only by your love... They can be sweet enough to be still enjoyed. Rather than ignored just because it does not come from someone else's heart.

It is not easy at all to resist it, to stop looking for or accepting something that is so damn similar to what you truly want and hope for... But it is easier to start, one step at a time, to learn how to give more love and respect to your own self, to your own ways, your appearance, your character, all that is a part of your beautiful soul... Because it will create that needed and better armour for you, that filter through which you will see the ways of others, giving them credit and appreciating them, but also never feeling dependent, never feeling like it is the only thing you have. So even when it will happen once again, as you will grow and learn to understand the intentions of others more... It will not hurt so much, it will not happen for so dangerously long. Because although still remaining your sweetest, hopeful and open self, you will also become whole. You will be enough, even on your own. Your life as it is will be enough. And every time your soul will connect with someone, they won't be the reason for your days to be lived, they won't cause your life to crash down if they are no longer by your side... But they will just be someone that, if you want to, you can share it with. A little moment, or a whole life.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

– Pile two,

the hierophant, the death, the three of cups

This world is so incredibly vast... This life can be so different just because of one little decision, a step in one direction rather than in the other one... And it is beautiful, it is indeed. But it is also so overwhelming. This freedom but also the risk of making a mistake, of not knowing in fact what is the best for you right now. It is difficult and so so scary to make your steps out there without even knowing what you are looking for, what you would like to achieve in this life, what or how to create... And what you will do if it will not work out. How will you handle a failure all on your own, the one responsible for all your actions and the consequences, the only one to be able to help you or give you support...

So it is normal to look more for that safe space, for that creation of a solid and strong base, perhaps not in other areas of your life that are already so difficult to manage... But at least in your connections, in the people that are by your side and that indeed can make any challenge feel so different, so easier to take care of when you are not alone in this mess desperately trying to save your life. It is normal to do it, to look for them, and once you found them - to look up to them. It is normal to seek support and guidance from those that have such an important place in your heart once they entered your life. It is normal to listen to others, to their opinions and experiences in hopes of finding answers to your own questions about this life. And it is normal to be charmed by their confidence, their strength, their plans and how easily they realize them one step at a time. It is normal and it is logical. To look for someone that can help you grow and become better at managing your life. Someone that, if something happens, always will have your back, always will know how to catch you before you fall to the ground...

But while they do inspire you in your journey... their path is all that they really know. And you are the one that, still so hopeful about your own desires and capabilities, is able to translate their conviction for their goals in motivation for your ones. But what happens when you fall more and more, what happens when you start to feel so tired and hurt with each failure that tears your goals apart, while they seem to become just better and better, safer in their life..? You stop to transform it and translate it for yourself, their story and their ways. And you start to absorb it. Without any filter, desperately. Because you are so consumed that only doubts remain in your heart. Doubts about your own capabilities and chances to succeed, doubts about your awareness and ability to make the right choices, to fight for the right things... Doubts that are just void in your heart, your mind, your ideas or motivation. A void that is so easily filled with the dreams of others, when they are so important, so close, so powerful and successful. An example of perfection that you respect and aspire to become. So you make them yours. Their opinions and convictions. And they help you at every step, because it is simply something that they love and that worked for them, so they are sure it will do the same for you... But does it ever truly..? Or is it just a well hidden play pretend, your tired feet that you try to fit in other's shoes, in hopes that they will be more comfortable, more safer, in the end?

But even so, it is not something that you allow to happen just because of your weakness or such a low self-esteem either... It is rather an influence that you almost desperately accept, in hopes that it will work better than what you tried on your own. It is not really lack of desire of working on something by yourself, but it is rather a genuine uncertainty and confusion on what you want to work on in the first place. It is just the most innocent naivety, being so new and fragile from this perspective for this world. It is just the desire and need to be guided a little, to have that help in figuring out what is the best or what you want, what might work... And it is not a malicious game of manipulation from others either. There is no desire in washing out your brain and fill it with their dreams or goals. It is just a genuine desire to help, but with so little knowledge of the other ways and journeys out there in this world. It is only someone that knows so well and trusts that one specific something, being able to show and help only with and through that. And it is just you that don't really know where or how to make your steps, what path to take, and in front of the immense risk and responsibility of choosing on your own, prefer to trust someone that you love and respect so much. Someone that you know will never do something to hurt you or to ruin your life.

But it still happens though... In a certain sense. Not intentionally. But they still ruin your journey that you do have, contrary to what all these obstacles, failures, and constant changes made you think. It's just not a linear one, not a specific one like so many others have. Your journey is just about something different from simply choosing and achieving. It is more than just one path or one thing to do, try or enjoy... You made so much experience so far, but at the same time so little. From your perspective it is all about failures, not being able to manage things, not knowing where to go... And it is so little about the joy of freedom, the possibility to start again and again, the chance to try and experiment with so many ideas and ways that this world wanted so much to show you, but that presented it so confusingly and poorly, so differently from the way and a language that you could comprehend...

But it is nothing irreparable, fortunately and as always. No matter if you want it or not, there will be many more endings and beginnings, many more changes that you will face in your life... You just need to not be afraid of them, to resist that urge to hold onto the hand of others so dearly, hiding behind their reassuring back instead of moving forward, through and past the obstacles on your path. You just need to have more faith, in your own self and your way of being, your intuition and instincts. More than you trust the ones of the others when it comes to your own life. You just need to be there for yourself, when it becomes a little too scary, different and new. You just need to trust and follow your own gaze, the things that caught your attention. Instead of looking for and trying to decipher the glimpses from others around you, before making any step.

It is okay, it is still right and fine even if it is so different from the journeys of others. And just because they are successful after walking on their chosen path, it doesn't mean that you can't become it too, on a different one, or many different ones. To be successful it is not always or only to achieve your initial goals or to stick to the plan. It is also to be able to learn from what happened, to grow, to enjoy it or even just and simply experience something. And you do it so well already, you manage things much better than you recognise.

Hold onto your own self, onto your curiosity and even the mood swings that gift you the desire to do something else, to look for something more. And let go slightly of their hand. They will not disappear, the ones that you love and look up to. They will always be here. But now you will have the chance to live your life like you want and feel right, not how they would do it, or how they did.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

– Pile three,

the page of cups, the hanged man, the page of pentacles

What can be worse than believing so much in someone, in loving them, in giving them every chance, making them the object of your strongest hope... just for them to be someone that will walk away, uninterested to all that you've done for your connection, not being satisfied with all that you would be ready to do just for your bond..? Only doing it more than once. Again and again. Trusting, welcoming, one soul after another into your world... watching them destroy it after using it for a moment of comfort or unconditional love and support...

But it doesn't really matter for you, for your heart. Does it? All that you endure when you try to connect deeper with someone is simply nothing, compared to that world hidden in their soul that you can witness, that bond that can heal any wound, banish all the fears and nightmares of the old ones... if only they reciprocate your affection and love. It is nothing compared to the chance that the person in front of you is indeed the one. It is nothing compared to the pure pain that would overwhelm you if you miss them. If you miss them because you will be one of those that you swear you won't become. A cold, judgemental, selfish soul...

Because you know thank to your own self how people can be different from the mask that they carry when they are outside. You know how many stories and reasons can be hidden behind that coldness, that meanness, that defensivness that sometimes pours out of someone who is just not used to be treated so softly, so kindly, as you do thanks to your so gentle heart... You know it well, because for so long you felt the same way. In need to protect yourself, to hide your tenderness so you won't be used or hurt every single time... And you remember how, while doing everything to push others away, all you wanted was to be seen and understood, accepted and appreciated just the way you were... So you do it with others too now. Now that you found that strength and courage to just love the way you feel is right. You nourish every person, you take care of every one that crosses your path. You believe in them, you trust them. And you hope that one day, thanks to you, they will finally open up. And love you back.

But although so noble and incredibly sweet... it is a promise that is not so easy to keep. Not when those that you try to take care of are so different from how you were when you needed it. Their armour is stronger. Their pain is more loud. And sometimes... they already chose a different path, a more lonely one. And nothing will change it, no matter how hard you will try, how strongly you will believe that somewhere in them there is more sweetness and gentleness hidden, that there can be more between you than just this coldness and distance between your hearts.

You are incredibly loving, you are just so sweet. And it truly admirable the way you still hold hope, the way you find courage within yourself and are ready to put your own heart at risk just to help others. Just to gift them that love that you know they need... But it is also so destructive, for your own soul. To put yourself again and again on the line in the battles of others, just because they are by your side, close enough to be noticed by your protective and selfless eyes...

For how long can you endure it? For how long you can give so much of you, because of this strong conviction that there is more to people, to connections, to their stories... Because of your desire to know them, understand them and save them, like no one ever did for you when you needed it the most? It wouldn't be right to just tell you to not do it. To lose your faith in people and in the connections. To force yourself to believe that no one ever will appreciate the way you love or give you that same love back... Because it is just the way you are. So rare and beautiful in how much love you hold in your heart... But it would be right and even needed for you to learn to not force it... when you feel so much resistance, when you just receive silence, in return of your desire to help or show others a different way to see this world. Because there are those that are more sure and more honest. The ones that want to take care of their wounds on their own, and that would never accept to use someone, because they know too well how much it would hurt. The ones that just push you away, or move forward and past you, following their own journey and making it clear that they want to go through it alone... But there are also those that are more confused, more tired, or even worse just bored... Those that make you stay, seeing how much you want to give to someone your love. Those that accept it. But also never repay you. Those that take more and more from you, that are so willing to help every time that they ask you...even when they don't really need it. But just want it. So it is less lonely and cold.

You have a golden heart, a pure and honest one. And for this reason it should be protected, at least a little more. Be yourself, be kind, be gentle. But also pay more attention to the ones that call your name and seek your help so often, always right after being the one to push you away... Because sometimes there are people that just can't resist your love that is always so available, so comforting and convenient for their lonely nights, for the nightmares and difficult times that they could and should overcome on their own, but are just not ready. Or don't want.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

[thatfrailsoul]

– Nourishing your soul, treasuring your bonds

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

("Sleeping Beauty in the Wood", Maxfield Parrish)

It is already challenging enough to find within ourselves the courage to be who we want, who we truly are... Enough to assume that once done that - there is nothing, no one, else to worry about... And yet here you are. Pressured by this doubt that you shouldn't have in the first place. The one that choosing your own self - your goal, desires, your needs - might be not right for you, or even worse... not aligned with the path of your loved ones.

So... are you doing the right thing by choosing yourself? Will the ones you cherish understand and help you with this journey? Will your paths still remain aligned, side by side? Can you really do this for yourself, without being forced to say to them goodby?

Slow down for a moment. Breathe. Listen to your heart, to its rhythm. Allow it to speak to you. And choose the image that seems so familiar, calling so strongly your heart. Remembering that, whatever the message might be, you are free to listen to it or to let go. Without the need to make it fit. Because your true answer will always find you, the moment you will be really ready and will have the need.

_

A little message to the beautiful soul that requested this reading: Your questions truly moved me. I felt them deep down, as I too asked myself the same things so many times... So I wanted to do my best by looking closely at each question on your mind. It will be a slightly long reading... But I hope that it will give you the clarity that you are trying to find.

_

– Pile One,

three of swords, six of cups, the hermit

When we are growing, feeling the real change in ourselves, in the parts of us that for so long we didn't take care of and forgot... It is inevitable to feel more deeply, to see things that we never noticed before. In the world around us. In our life. In the people by our side. It is inevitable to, suddenly, feel resistance, perhaps judgment from some and even concern from others... Exactly in those things and actions that are so connected to us feeling better, stronger, more confident about what we deserve and who we are...

And it's confusing, you know. First comes the hurt and frustration, of doing all this work but not being seen, congratulated, appreciated for the new aura radiating from us and that makes us so proud. Almost like they don't like and don't want the better version of us... Then comes in the doubt and fear that it is the truth. That what you know for sure is the best thing for you... It's something that is so inconvenient for them. That perhaps, unconsciously, you once again became fond of people that were just so good at wearing a mask. Hiding underneath their true them, that is so different from who you want by your side and who you want to become.

And all of these doubts and convictions are so overwhelming for your mind. The only place where you have the courage to think about it, to consider, to try to find a solution... Because just speaking up and asking them about it out loud... feels so risky, so dangerous. Something that will be the end of a bond that perhaps is completely fine, and that you are complicating on your own in your mind.

But the thing is... Although we can indeed sometimes misunderstand one intention for another, through their actions or their words... There are only so many times that you can wrongly read the room or their tone while they are speaking their mind. Even if you convince yourself that sometimes you are a little too defensive or feeling a little "too much"... you are not naive. You are not completely new to this world. You already had these doubts, these uneasy feelings, these intuitions or fears about those by your side. It's not the first time that you are being supported on your decisions or journeys, and in the same way it's not the first time that you discover that someone is not in fact your "ride or die".

And this exact fact that it is not the first time, of fearing to need to let go of someone, being so affectionate but at the same time aware that you are for some reason not aligned, makes it all so incredibly hard... that you wander if perhaps making a step back and leaving the things the way they were, might be better than creating so many changes and chaos in your life.

But you are doing the right thing, you really and truly do. You didn't go so far, found this strength and courage, to doubt this journey now. Now that you are already halfway through it. So close to the finishing line. You didn't go through all of this for yourself, to ask then if everything will be fine, if they will in the end understand, accept the new you and stay... When what you truly want and are afraid to know is if you indeed need to let go of them as you are feeling now. If you need to leave behind those that judge so much who you are becoming, already hurting a version of you that is still so new, even if it will hurt so much your heart.

You already know all of this deep down, that it might indeed be the necessary thing to do. And you are also aware of the fact that you don't really want to do it, to choose between you and them, losing one or another, not being able to maintain both. You remember how difficult it is, feeling, being alone. And it only complicates everything. A decision that you are not able to make because both options see you suffering, because of others or of the void left in the place where they used to be.

So... Let me rephrase it a little for you: do you really want to need to justify your decisions or who you are, constantly defending yourself from those that should support and appreciate you and your life? Are you really ready for a constant battle with those by your side?

Because, are you doing the right thing by choosing yourself or not, is not even a question that should cross your mind. You are on the right path. You are doing the right thing. You are doing just fine. You are actually making the most important steps in manifesting on your own that life that you want to experience and enjoy. Starting from you. And through you - with those around you.

And this moment of resistance, this moment of you seeing so much difference between you and others in your life, it's not a way of the Universe to tell you that you are making the wrong decision, becoming too different and less relevant or appealing to those that you want with you. But it's rather a way to make you understand that not everyone can or needs to stay here for a lifetime. Not everyone can be satisfied and completely aligned with what you have in mind. And if there is a right way to choose who to have by your side... well it's for sure by sharing your feellings and thoughts, your desires and intentions, openly. Seeing who feels excited for you, who is proud of you and understands... Or who is feeling hurt, only because for once you are prioritizing your own self and what is the best for your life.

We indeed are, at some extent, the people that we have by our side. They influence us in how they treat us, their opinions, their convictions in which we start to believe too. They form you, consciously or not, through the ways they support you or judge you, limiting your decisions or your steps.

So don't hide in your mind for the sake of others. Don't try to analyse or understand all on your own. Looking for a solution to make everyone happy and satisfied. Think only about yourself now, exactly like this journey requires. Follow your own plan and path. And allow others to be themselves, like you are the true you now. Even if it means that your paths will go different ways. Because no matter how sad or difficult, it is still fine. To be different and to live different lives.

And if you would like to receive more clarity and guidance about your situation (through a personal or free reading) - you can find out more about it here!♡

_

– Pile Two,

the four of cups, the eight of coins, the ten of cups

Look at you - you are just blooming. With all the courage and strength that you've found to finally and truly take care of yourself. To nourish your soul, make it smile and feel free and alive. You got through so much, through so many new and uncomfortable steps. You faced and made peace with so many parts of you that were consuming you, filling you with anger, fear and despair...

You did it. You truly did. But you managed to do so by hiding yourself. Creating that safe space away from everyone. From their opinions, "advices" regarding your life and how you should make it through. From all the people that talked so much, but so rarely listened to you. Becoming for yourself, on your own, the closest and dearest person by your side. The one that you can truly trust your heart with, the one that can so gently calm your mind. You connected to yourself so deeply, finding so much within yourself... that you don't really feel the need to have someone else. Especially those that remained their old self, not changing even a bit in this time that you spent by yourself.

And now that you "came back", felt strong and confident enough to meet them once again... The difference between you, the moments of silence or of the conflicts, were just too loud. And where before you felt uncomfortable, you just started feeling completely out of place now. Seeing only strangers in a life that is supposedly full of people, so many of them by your side.

But there is a thing about you... About how you don't really accept the idea of giving up, of considering something, someone, a lost cause. You didn't do it for yourself, demonstrating how much a person can change, grow and start to shine again. And you don't want to do it for them, for those that... You really do want to see one day understanding you, the way you see and feel this world, perhaps finally appreciating you, cherishing you the same way you learned to do it with your own self and them too.

And you can really do it. You can really see this change in them one day, even if now it seems so impossible to find a way to speak to them more deeply, enough to touch their soul and give them a new goal, a new hope. It will happen. It is already happening now. Because of you.

With your courage, or despair, in finding your true self, in taking care of yourself, you unconsciously created an example. You demonstrated silently that there is no need to suffer and be pressured by a version of you that just doesn't fit you so well anymore. You showed that, although something so new and perhaps complicated at first to do - it is so worth it. To open up. To your own self and to others. To this life, the things that it always teaches us, but that we sometimes are not so ready to learn and make ours.

You created something so beautiful, by simply choosing yourself no matter what. Like a little seed that you hid in their subconscious mind, it started to grow, manifesting itself in their actions and decisions. That for once started to be for themselves, for their good, for their safety and wellbeing. Unlocking a new version of them, that sees so much more now in their life and their bonds. Cherishing every moment more.

It might not be something that you can see already now, not when it is something so little, that even they are only now starting to notice and appreciate more... And not everyone will bloom and grow... But those that will, they will surprise you so profoundly, they will surprise themselves. In seeing how much your paths evolved and changed, aligning themselves even though you both started to feel like it is time to let each other go.

You will rediscover each other, get to know again so many people that you were convinced to already know, finding out how actually similar, closer your hearts are. But... Just give it time. Be patient, the same way you were with yourself and the journey that you were on all this time. They are growing too, they are changing, and it is something that goes so differently for every person, that requires a different rhythm and pace from perhaps the ones that were comfortable and right for your soul.

Don't worry about it, everything will be fine. Continue to focus on yourself, on protecting your new boundaries and expressing your new ideas and passions. Gently, sweetly, exactly like the way you are. Radiating your beautiful light, and showing others a way to find their own right path.

And if you would like to receive more clarity and guidance about your situation (through a personal or free reading) - you can find out more about it here!♡

_

– Pile Three,

the knight of cups, the king of swords and the six of coins

When we start to strive for more, to have this deep need for a change, for a better life and us... It is sometimes almost impossible to not be overwhelmed with all that motivation and energy. With that desire to do everything at once, making progress as fast as possible and being finally able to enjoy this better life.

It is so difficult to not get caught up in all of this... That sometimes this incredible glow around your soul that grows so beautifully - just starts to blind your own eyes and mind. Making you see - where at first there was so much enthusiasm, motivation, exciting new steps - just so many more sacrifices and things to do. Just for a chance to live well and feel good.

And it just drags you back down. In that discouragement and tiredness, in that doubt of really being ready to start this journey. Of wanting it truly at all. And while you fall back in this spiral, in this paralysis of not knowing what is best or worse, if to need to work for a new life enduring again all those challenges and battles... Or to continue this one even though it just doesn't speak anymore to your soul... In all of this your mind is just working too much. Day after day, doubt after doubt, making you forget a little but important detail: you don't need to do it all alone.

Yes it was you idea, yes it is indeed your story, your life that you are doing all of this for... But a journey is not always so limited to only one soul. It is not always meant to be faced on your own. But you assumed it, too caught up in these emotions that a start of a new journey filled your heart. You isolated yourself, hid yourself from this life that doesn't suit you anymore, and from the people around you that just didn't felt aligned. You hid yourself, and started to create everything from scratch on your own. Facing so many new things and questions that you never considered before. Refusing to ask for help, to have opinions of others, because you knew for sure that the same way they never understood they won't do it now too... You convinced yourself of this. Taking away from you perhaps one of the most powerful and beautiful details of a journey: the strength and courage that gives you the not being alone.

It is true that, no matter how much you love those by your side, they are still so different in the way they see and feel this world, in how they want to experience this life... But different is not always negative. It is not necessarily source of judgment, lack of understanding and appreciation, lack of support... Sometimes, exactly that "different" is what can help you find new solutions, answers, new ways of overcoming an obstacle on the road you are trying to walk. Sometimes it is exactly that support and needed hand that can help you navigate your emotions and doubts.

They are different. But this doesn't mean that they don't love you or don't want to see you bloom as the most beautiful flower of this world. They are here for you, and they show it in the only way, from the only perspective that they know... But they can also do it differently, if only you let them learn, allow them to understand fully what is it that you are looking for.

They have so many other versions of perceptions and opinions different from yours. But this is where their strength is. This is where the strength that they can give you is. So many new ways of facing things, of advices, of experiences, of more delicate or more straightforward approaches. So much help that they can give you on your journey, if only you allow them to.

Don't hide yourself, don't assume that they will not understand. Because there is nothing that they want more - to help you be your authentic and most confident self. You grew up, you changed, your mind learned so well to be open to others and their ways. And they can do it too. If you allow them to learn from you. To stay by your side as you make your first steps, to see you, to feel you. And to protect and guide you, helping you to don't doubt, to don't be afraid, and to believe in yourself.

And if you would like to receive more clarity and guidance about your situation (through a personal or free reading) - you can find out more about it here!♡

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[thatfrailsoul]

— Summertime sadness

a summer pick a pile tarot reading

(pictures from pinterest → one, two, three)

Sometimes… Our hearts start to race too fast, the chest feels just too tight. The thoughts become louder and more confused, each one of them trying to convince us that they’re the ones telling the truth. And all we want to feel… Is just peace and reassurance. Two arms that hold us tightly, a voice that whispers to us words of sweet comfort… Giving us all the needed answers.

And yet, it happens so rarely. We face it all alone. And this summer… Once again we will need to be our own guardian, as we step up to protect us from others, or from our own mind…

A season has passed since the beginning of this year… So seemingly little yet enough time to start to have doubts about all our plans, the chosen paths, that we still weren't able to make work, no matter how hard we tried.

The bitter realisation hits, and so does the quiet surrender and tired fear of what will happen next… In the second season of this year, the one that we imagined completely differently from what it looks like now, when we can see it on the horizon.

So how on earth will we be able to survive it, when we are already so tired and broken, feeling so cold and alone… While the nature around us blooms, being taken care of by this world, almost mocking us for all the failures and stagnation surrounding us..?

Slow down. Allow this sadness and tiredness to overwhelm you. Stop holding it in… And feel it truly, listen to it, as your heart will call you to that one pile that speaks to it, holding the message that you need to hear.

-Pile One,

the four of wands, the three of cups, the ace of swords.

Your steps are so fast, so chaotic now. They are rushing you, pushing and pulling you, from one opportunity, one solution, to another, before you realise where you are looking or where you are going, before you can stop them and force them to slow down… But did you really lost control over them, or did you let go, letting the frustration and fear caused by this stagnation overwhelm you, while silently hoping that one of many things you are resorting to would work?

This journey, this situation, is barely on its beginning. And yet so many months have already passed in front of you before you even could manage to make your second decisions. Before you could make any progress, achieve any result, find any confirmation that this one is really worth the wait and hopes…

And now it is already summer. A season that should've seen you coming glowing with victory and enthusiasm for what's ahead… Not with shoulders bent under the weight of failed plans and expectations, and the jealousy for the satisfied and proud voices of others for their journeys, that you can already hear…

It really shouldn't be such a big deal, you know it. And yet this change of seasons feels so definitive. Your ability to live well the next months so dependent on the success of the last ones… You just imagined it differently, the plan in your head was much more specific and neat. Perfect to the tiniest bit. And now you will need to keep on going, to work, to worry, to rush. Because if you stop for just a moment, trying to live up to that idea of summer that you've had in your mind, everything will just collapse, being so fragile and little to be able to sustain a few carefree months…

But, fortunately, things don't work this way, the events of our lives are rarely so specific in their failure or success. There are so many things that are halfway done and already good to be enjoyed. While others, although being kind of confusing and shallow, still are not enough to disturb or destroy what we've created so far.

You think that you didn't accomplish anything, that there was no progress, no victories on your end. That every single person around you did something, and so they fully deserve this period of calm and joy under the sun… But you too deserve it. You have a project, you have something that you are working on, regardless of how much progress you made so far. It is enough. It is enough to feel proud. It is enough to feel that reassurance of a work that is being done.

So don't start to condemn yourself already now, to that full of work, worries and pressure, summer. Don't mourn already the fun plans and relaxing days that you won’t have this time. And don't feel the frustration or shame, because of how little you did compared to others. Because it is not true. It is not real. That failure that you are convincing yourself that you are.

It's just a different type of journey, of a process. It just has a different pace than someone else's, or that you expected when you started it. But it doesn't in any way condemn it to be a loss, something to be ashamed for. Nor does it mean that it will never give you anything, unless you run from one place to another in search of a different way to save it and make it work.

It is fine. You. And this journey. Even if there is still so much to do, even if you weren't ready to be at this point in your life by summer.

A change of season is not a deadline, it's only a different phase that is meant to help you, being dedicated to something specific. In this case, it is to remind you to slow down and breathe, to relax for a moment. To step aside and wait for a while, allowing this journey to complete its process. To allow all the seeds that you planted with your dedication and effort… to finally grow, instead of being suffocated by your worry.

You can step aside. You can wait a little before doing another step or making a decision. You can slow down in some moments and then speed up again as you work on it. Nothing will go worse or collapse if you stay one day outdoors, with your loved ones. Nothing will burn to the ground if you eat an ice cream in a park, or swim for a few hours, resting. Actually, these little moments will only help you, more than any search for another way would ever do to you. Just because you too need some time and rest, some distraction and experiences that aren't only about this situation or project.

You will have your summer. You will have your fun and you rest. If you’ll allow yourself to. Exactly because of all the hard work you already did, and that is more than enough right now and in this moment, even if you convinced yourself of the opposite.

Everything is going well, everything is alright. And you can have your vacation and carefree summer. Just trust yourself, your decisions and steps so far. Trust the time that they are taking to evolve into something better and bigger. And make use of this slower pace that this situation is forcing you to have. Don't see it as stagnation, failure, or menace. See it as it is, just a moment to rest and recharge, before coming back stronger, with a clear mind, and even more ready to take charge.

p.s.

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-Pile Two,

the nine of cups, the eight of wands, the seven of cups

It is so different from last year, isn't it? And it is so strange. How you can be the same exact person, and yet you feel much stronger. How there are so many same situations that haven't been resolved, that are still trapped in this overwhelming stagnation… And yet you are kind of okay with it. You are over it, you somehow accepted and surrendered. Enough to not allow these situations and problems, these in a sense failures, to stop you from trying something new in the meantime, as you wait for them to evolve. It's almost like there is a new realization in you, the one about the time and the life that keeps flowing regardless, the one about you that have the permission to flow with them too, even if there are some things to which you feel still tied.

It is good, it is refreshing, to feel this way. For the first time in so many years you don't really have any fear of the new season. You don't see the deadlines, you don't hear them mocking you or rushing you. You see only something different and something new. Something that you genuinely want to try and explore, not allowing yourself or others to limit you anymore…

Or at least this is how you feel about it in one moment, in the grand scheme of things when you are looking at this new season getting closer from the horizon. But when it is indeed here… When you actually need or can get up and choose, start something, focus on it, looking away from all your not finished projects, fears, doubts or concerns… It kind of vanishes, that enthusiasm, optimism and readiness. And your body becomes stiff, the mind empty, or perhaps filled with that old and well known judgemental voice.

And it is just a shame. To realize that you are so strong and confident until the moment comes. Even if it is only about one season or one project. Even if it is only about an idea or a routine. It is a shame that all this energy seems to be just smoke that goes away as soon as that famous door of opportunity opens…

But can you really blame yourself, for slowing down unconsciously your pace in some moments? You’ve got through a lot. You managed a lot. No matter if it was hardly won battles or the process of accepting their losses. You managed to grow while staying true to yourself no matter what you were overcoming, no matter what lessons you were learning… It is new to be here and feel so different for once about this season, about this phase of the year in which you usually just observed others and their adventures, their fun stories… Trying to imagine how could it feel to be so relaxed and free, from the responsibilities or burdens, enough to have something new to look forward…

You need to still get used to it, you need to feel it truly. That freedom and possibility of choice that you have now, that you earned. So don't be so fast to feel regretful or frustrated because of this one step that your body seems to be unable to do now. Give it time. It will be fine either way, even if you don't choose a new path to go onto right now. One season, in the grand scheme of things, seems very little, its true. But still it is more time that you ever had just for yourself, or on which you actually had the control over. So you can go a little slower. You can dedicate first some time to just adjusting and wondering, exploring different ideas or desires of yours. You can just follow the flow, not resisting the events nor forcing them. You can be here for one more moment, in this sort of a middle ground between one journey and another, allowing yourself to be cuddled by your little victories and opportunities ahead that won’t run away no matter how much time you will rest and do just a sweet nothing.

p.s.

♡ Toss a coin to your reader

♡ Find my readings directly in your inbox

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-Pile three,

the ten of cups, the king of cups, the two of swords.

Things didn’t exactly go like you expected… Your life doesn't really seems enough ready for this hypothetical new and exciting start… And the voices around you, their words, their judgment hidden in their ‘’advices’’ are not making it any easier to accept this failure… Or to find any strength and courage to continue to hope for it, even if the things are becoming so tough around here.

But, among all those mean, or, for some reason offended by your choices, voices… There are a few that are a little sweeter, a little more understanding, more patient in this waiting of seeing your growth and victory in all these battles. There are those that are more silent, perhaps, but still so close and caring. Still fresh and delightful, when they give you relief as they heal your scratches, convincing you that it is still possible to make it through, that everything is still okay no matter how it seems now…

They might be a friend, a family, a partner… They might be your own voice, a little phrase found in a book or film, a message hidden somewhere on the internet… But no matter what form they have or where they came from, they are still worth it, to be heard, to be believed as they whisper to you words of comfort and faith in your steps on this journey.

It is not how it was supposed to be. It is taking longer than expected, with so many moments in which you are simply unable to do anything or control it. It is so uncertain and confusing, still keeping it a secret about if it was worth it. And it does lead the way to all the doubts and questions, letting them right into your mind, allowing them to take control of your body that becomes so anxious and frenetic, as it looks for any other way or something else that could save it and make it work in time for deadlines and needs that are coming too close now…

But there is no use in this chaos in which you are trying to find some answers or comfort in. It is only tiring, draining, and annihilating. To your health and the one of your dreams and passions that you are trying to manifest by forcing them. It is frustrating, it is scary, it is simply unfair. I know it. But consuming yourself about it will not make it any better, it won’t resolve it.

As all those messages, sweet words, signs from this world or others, might sound cliche and kind of boring… They are true. You are doing your best, you are doing well. Not for this situation, this grand plan and its manifestation or for the comparison with any other person and their progress… You are doing enough for yourself, for what you can control and what you can do with what you have, with how you can make use of it. And even if it is so little now, compared to what it could've been, it is still worth it, to remain and to have faith, to celebrate even this little progress. Instead of declaring your loss, your inability, your lack of fortune or skill, your deservedness…

It won't be such an easygoing summer, just because you will not be able to escape your own heavy thoughts and the spirals in which they drown you… But it can still be a good summer nonetheless. It can be still a good season, with beautiful memories, peaceful moments, exciting news and discoveries, and long awaited progress… You just need to have a little more understanding. For your self and this journey. The way you go thought it, with all its ups and downs, and the way it evolves when you can't control it. It is important for you, so believe in it and respect it. Respect the way the things are unfolding enough to wait a little more. And respect all the hard work you did so far for it, enough to not judge yourself and your progress.

It will eventually work out, as it always does. And in the meantime the only real thing you need to do is to go easier on yourself, and trust those kind voices that keep believing in you and in your goals even when you have a hard time trusting them. Because they know something, they see something more than you do, and it is your strength, resilience, and deservedness, that will never pass unnoticed.

p.s.

♡ Toss a coin to your reader

♡ Find my readings directly in your inbox

♡ Receive personal guidance from me

_

[thatfrailsoul]

– Parts of me that I seek in you

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

When we strive to connect, to know someone... There are many different reasons for which our heart calls more for one person than the other. The appearance, the ways, their mind or heart, their actions or deepest goals and desires... No matter what it is, there is always that something that makes them shine in the darkness that surrounds us. And, very often, that something is the same as the one that we lost, can't find in ourselves... So we desperately look for it in others. With such perseverance and obsessive need that, sometimes, we allow it to lead us to those that perhaps, at the end, we would've preferred to not meet.

So what is it? What you miss in yourself but so desperately need? Where or when did you lose it? And where and how can you finally find that missing piece?

Slow down for a moment. Breathe. Listen to your heart, to its rhythm. Allow it to speak to you. And choose the image that seems so familiar, so similar to what you feel. Remembering that, whatever the message might be, you are free to listen to it or to let go. Without the need to make it fit. Because your true answer will always find you, the moment you will be really ready and will have the need.

_

– Pile One,

the star, the ten of cups and the fool.

Your poor and innocent soul... Your tired heart, your consumed mind... The only thing you ever wanted, the one that you wanted back then, was simply to leave it all behind. All that pain, all that fear. All the reasons why you couldn't ever be enough or right for someone, for anyone, that for once you just desired to don't hear... You found the last bits of your strength, patience and courage, all that remained in your shattered heart. And you used them to try to heal. All those numerous wounds, so many that it just feels like a whole and single, draining, torturing, one.

But what did it give you, in exchange of this incredible resilience to try to heal? Only a little relief, a little distraction... That hid that hole that was becoming bigger and bigger, with each time that you worked on - or to be exact forced - the healing of your soul.

And this is the thing. This is what ruined it all, what made it so difficult and challenging. What influenced so many others areas of your life... One little but so important detail about who you are, the way you are. And how much you got used in this life to beat yourself up, blaming for every single disgrace that you experienced... How often you repeated it, demonstrated it to yourself with every step that was supposed to help you heal. You never were gentle, patient, understanding. You never gave yourself credit for how many right things and choices you made. Or how many others mistakes never were really yours, but of somebody else. You did none of this. But only focused on rushing, on becoming better, on healing faster, growing, so you could be sooner worthy and ready to show what a good person you are to this world. You were angry, frustrated, ashamed. You despised yourself for needing healing and learning in the first place. You regretted every single additional day that you needed to get it together. Only noticing how many flows you still have, how many wounds are still bleeding, how many triggers you still can't endure.

Your desire, your intention, was so good... So innocent, genuine and truly right. But so quickly and scarily naturally it became just another cage and punishment that you gave yourself. Changing the whole purpose, the whole meaning, of a journey that is so pure. That was never supposed to be so rushed, give you so quickly those results that now you are so angry to don't see manifesting in your world... And that you decided, unconsciously or perhaps not, to look for in others. The ones that seem so beautiful, so healthy and whole. The ones that seem to go through life so gracefully, no matter the obstacles or challenges on their path. The ones that seem to be able to influence you so positively, if only you stay close to them, showing you the right ways and directions. Supporting you, helping you in doing it correctly, like you seem incapable of doing on your own.

But, no matter how much we adore to think the opposite, we indeed are the only ones responsible for our journey. For our battles, our victories or our loss. No matter how supportive, how close others are, they still can't really help us. Not when we don't allow even our own self to do the needed work. You can't fight through it, not this journey. You can't do it with the only motivation and push being your own meanness, judgment and resentement for the things that you dared to do or not. You can't be there, behind your own back, looking closely at every your step and action, ready to attack if you don't do it right.

But you can allow yourself to take more time. To be slower. To make more mistakes. To feel once again that pain, if it's the one that still overwhelms your heart. You can remember. You can reflect. Learn something from it. Or maybe not. Because it is normal, it is right, to take time to heal, to go through it with all the needed ups and downs.

And you can still do it. You can continue this journey changing your pace and rhythm, or simply starting from scratch. You can and need to do it. Because no-one else can help and guide you, as you can do to your own self. By being gentle and understanding with your heart and mind, that indeed do their best to allow you to feel and experience this life.

P.s. If you would like to receive a more personal message and guidance about your situation - find out all about it here!♡

– Pile Two,

the magician, the fool and the page of swords

You have something so beautiful, so unique, within yourself. Such passion that, if not explored and shared, can consume you inevitably. Consume that power that you sometimes forget to have. So you always took care of it. You always nourished it. In the moments when it felt as natural as breathing, and even in those where it was too similar to a torture, that need to create and do something but without any idea on why, how to start or from where. And even if, thanks to you and your deepest love, this passion and calling did survive... It is starting to fade now. Submerged with all the questions and doubts about whether or not it is worth it, if you are good enough to do it at all, if it is really that important... All because for quite sometime you were the only admirer and supporter of your work.

You are wavering, your steps and actions as you create become more and more unstable, as every inspiration or idea seems not enough to be worthy of the success, even just appreciation that you want. But this something... Is so yours, so made perfectly just for you and to express your soul... That you can't really just leave it. You can't just stop doing it, even if it is becoming hard to be satisfied as you used to, because you so naturally always gravitate back to creating and allowing your mind and heart to speak up through every step of your work. So you keep going, with a non consistent rhythm, many set backs, infinite doubts... Doing it, because you feel this need and desire so much. But not really enjoying it anymore. Because in the eyes of others it never seems good enough, and therefore it doesn't feel enough for your own self. For the one that, in the first place, you were supposedly creating it for.

It is so natural and normal to have the desire to share, to welcome others in your universe in a sense, to show them who you are or how you see this world... But what starts so innocently and genuinely, a way to connect to others and don't feel so different or not understood, an alternative type of motivation and fuel for your creativity even... is so often soon to become exactly what kills it, overwhelming your every idea with the judgment of others, and their way of seeing the world.

It just shifted your perspective, about yourself and your work. It made you feel little, insignificant, too simple or too much, confronted to what others seem to consider deserving and worthy of their attention and love. It made you feel useless, because when your creation was ignored, you felt like what was really being rejected was your soul that spoke through your work.

And time after time, day after day, this calling became so faint, almost non existent. Not because it is really going away... But because you are just the one that tries so desperately to ignore it and to not hear it. Convinced that following it would be useless, without anyone appreciating and admiring what you do. Convinced that doing it for your own self and enjoyment is not really worth it, because it doesn't give you any income, any fame, any support and appreciation from others. Convinced that it is only and simply a waste of time.

But is it? Is it really completely useless if you are the only one to whom you dedicate the creations of your soul? Or does it give you a chance to feel and experience this world in your own way, processing those emotions and thoughts, reinventing them? Does it give you back the ability to breathe and feel at ease, once you allow everything that overwhelms you flow out through your work? Does it fill your time with excitement and enjoyment? Does it give you a safe place, that allows you to rest and hide from everything else? Does it make you feel proud of who you are and what you did, what you were able to create with your own mind and hands? Because even if it does only one of these things... Than it is worth it. Because this is what gives you the energy and fuel to live this life, to appreciate it, to go through it. Having something that always protects and expresses your soul.

You can't do only what assures you the interest or appreciation of others. You can't do it for so long as you are planning or trying to do. You can't do it without constantly feeling on autopilot, thrown from one work to another, trying to satisfy every one of them in hopes that in return they will support your work. It is not true to you. It is not what you want or need. It is not even something that you can do, the things that they want. It is only a play, of which you are trying to learn all the phrases and rhythm, but that you can keep up with only for so long.

This life is not unfair, wrong, useless, a constant and neverending annoying and painful cycle. But it is this way for you, who doesn't have anymore that tiny but vital component - the language of your soul. You are suppressing it, you are limiting it and judging. For what? For whom? For what reason? This is not something that needs to be enough or good for others. It is not something that needs to give you incredible success, wealth or recognition. It can, but before any of that it needs only to be something that you enjoy. Truly and simply.

You don't need to find new ideas, ways, hobbies, interests, sports, studies, paths to explore - you just need to comeback to what you already know that you love. And welcome it in your Iife, starting doing it again and more. Just for your own fun and enjoyment, that will overflow from your heart to every other aspect of your life. Connecting everything, and making it free from the torture of unsatisfaction and frustration that you endure.

P.s. If you would like to receive a more personal message and guidance about your situation - find out all about it here!♡

– Pile Three,

the devil, the justice and the star

Sometimes we cross paths with those that perhaps we weren't meant to be with, we weren't meant to create and have the same story as the one we desired and pictured so well. It happens. It hurts. Then, eventually, it goes away. But when it happens again and again, one person after another... One betrayal, lie or misunderstanding after the other... How can one not notice the one element that connects them all - themselves? How can one not think, even in the slightest, that perhaps it is not working out because of who and how they are?

So one dives into it, tries to remember every single moment, analyse their own ways, with the desperate need to find that wrong something and change it, making everything in themselves right again. With the need to demonstrate that it is something that can be changed and that it won't be this way forever. That they can and will be better, more worthy, more right, and for this reason chosen by someone. And perhaps they do find it, that something, they work on it day and night, fight their own demons and who they are, and come out of it brand new. They put themselves out there, open up to people and try genuinely to connect... And then it happens all over again. The same pain, confusion, uncertainty, doubts, betrayal or a broken heart. But they did the work right? They changed, or did they not? And there it goes the fear of not being worthy no matter what, of being destined to loneliness and hurt, or perhaps of not doing enough. And some collapse, they hide, and try with all their forces to make themselves enough, to not need anyone else in their life. While others... Others don't say it out loud. Don't think about it. Hide it deep down. And try to make things work no matter what it means to accept and endure, just to not have yet another person leaving them behind.

And you... You are doing it right now. With them, or with others in your life. Subtly, unconsciously, you force yourself to stay. No matter the words you hear, the actions you see, the promises that you know are already broken and mean nothing to the person by your side. You stay. Because walking away might mean that there never will be someone else, that you will be the only one you will have.

It is difficult and painful to think about being somehow different and wrong, never enough. It is even more difficult to try to work on it and change yourself. It is difficult to face not only the pain but also the loneliness. To feel that fear of living this way forever creeping on you with each day. So staying, trying to be more understanding, patient, docile, considerate, delicate, silent and comfortable for others... Seems indeed less difficult and scary, because in return they too will stay. Even when it is clear that you are torturing and consuming yourself. Even when you so clearly and surely know that the way you are treated is not okay at all. All for that acceptance, that tiny affection, even if not genuine. All for those things that you think you will never be able to find in yourself, and might not find once the people that are now in your life will not be here anymore. A void that, perhaps, won't ever be filled with another person, with another connection or love.

But by convincing yourself to adapt to others and what they look for or don't love... You did exactly that one thing that will not allow people who are genuinely interested in you to come closer. Not when that place in your life is already occupied by another someone. Not when you show so ardently and persistently that the way you are treated is what you want.

A right person - the one that is interested in you exactly the way you are, not less not more - even when so close to you to see you... Will never be able to do something, to help you, to take you out of this play pretend and torture... Because no one can do what should start from you, what you should be ready to finally to do: to protect yourself, t be treated right, to be loved and appreciated for the way you are.

It is safe, please believe me. It is safe for you to be who you are. It is safe for you to don't accept scraps of love and attention from others. It is safe if you walk away from those who can't find that one thing they want in you, who is already perfectly fine and enough. It is safe for you to don't force it. It is safe for you to let them all go. Because the space they will leave behind them is not something so negative as you convince yourself to be. It is not a sign of loss. It is only more space for your own self to grow, to bloom, to be who you are. To shine so proudly and brightly and to be seen by those who will notice and love you. And not the ways you can adapt to someone elses need, desire or mood.

P.s. If you would like to receive a more personal message and guidance about your situation - find out all about it here!♡

_

[thatfrailsoul]

– I watch the skies getting light as I write

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

One step after another. One shaken breath. One look around you, confused, as you are trying to understand what is real, what is good and what is bad… What you got through, the things you’ve endured and accepted from the same hands that you thought would only caress you, take care of you, protect you… With that one fear of making the same mistakes. Of never learning and calling upon yourself the same fate again, as you hold another hand.

After surviving a fever that lasted a little too long, I'm back again, with this new reading from our Divinatory Jukebox!♡ I still feel a little meh, so for a while I will do readings that are slightly shorter, so I can come back gradually without overwhelming myself. And so for today, and through the song “How to disappear” by Lana Del Rey, your inner self has a little story to tell you, about what it is holding deep down in your heart, hiding it, not being able to release it, not before being fully able to understand it. What it was, why it did happen, how so much pain was able to overwhelm you right when you felt so safe… This reading will be a little message for you about your journey of love, the one that you are so eager to go through, to make progress in, without realising how your own hurt heart is holding you back, too afraid of feeling again the same pain of the past now, when those wounds are still bleeding so much.

Give yourself a moment. Slow down your breath, feel it. Put aside any judgement, overthinking or convictions… And just follow the pile that caught your gaze more, the one that will allow you to connect to yourself and receive this needed message.

And let me know what pile you chose..!♡

P.s. A little question for you ♡

{ Thank you so much for letting me know!♡ }

– Pile One,

the child: the six of cups and the knight of wands

It was never your fault. All the people that you met. The bonds you had. The things they did and said… It never was because of you. Of how you were, your worth or what you did. And it never could've been different, no matter how much the regret makes it seem possible or real.

There are so many ways in which a situation can evolve, so many different outcomes that depend only on what we are willing to do and want. It's true. But the past is a whole different story. It is something that we can’t reach. And that, fortunately, can never grasp us no matter how much we fear it.

And you need to understand it. To feel it. A truth that is so simple that is just overlooked, never considered by our judgemental and overthinking mind. The fact that we are safe here. Now. You are safe. Because you are not anymore with those people, not stuck in those suffocating moments that felt like an eternity of hurt.

You are here now. And it is new, every single second of it. At each step, each moment, each new breath… You enter a new reality of possibilities, created with your decisions, with your awareness and confidence that you won’t allow it to happen ever again. And it is enough. Truly. To protect you. It is enough to put miles and miles between you and them, or all those reflections of their meanness and cruelty of which you sometimes catch a glimpse in others that come too close to your heart.

You are safe here, with your own self. You have enough protection and guidance. Enough to not make again those mistakes, even if they never were yours in the first place and you simply learned from them through all this pain. You are doing well. No matter if you are getting closer to someone or, contrary, are hiding for a moment to heal and rest. No matter if it is all like you wanted and imagined, or completely the opposite and frustrating in how slow or fast it is. No matter if you are making a decision, opening your heart again, or are still waiting, still unsure… You are doing well. It is your journey. Only yours. Even when it seems to be influenced so strongly by the others. It is still and only yours to live and follow. And no matter how you will do it, it will always be the right way, the one that will be enough for your heart.

Don't put even more pressure on yourself. Don't fuse the past, of which you are still so afraid, and the future, that you are already overthinking, in this ball that you are ready to throw at yourself again and again. Let them go for a moment, detach them. Not from yourself, but from each other. Don't force the past, with your fears and convictions, to come into your future and shape it. Because it never was supposed to do it, it never wanted it, if we’d talk about it like it is a personification of some sort…

It's the past for a reason. You already got through it. You already lived it all. So allow yourself to stop keep on doing it in the now. Or in the future. Don’t look at this life through the lenses of someone that you are not anymore. Nor through those of the ones that wounded you, betrayed you, even if it still hurts. Let those situations and memories alone. Let them be. In their own eternal moment. In the space and time that was created just for them. They don't need more of it, they don't need for you to sacrifice your present moments or the future ones. And you don't need it in order to stay safe.

You already learned from them. What you needed and even more, even those lessons that weren't yours. You gained the strength, the confidence. You healed enough to live different moments and connections, to experience a different type of love… You just need to become aware of it. Of the fact that there is no need to keep on fearing, aggressively protecting yourself from it. Whatever that “it” might be. It will not repeat. It will be all different. And, in the good and in the bad, you are ready for it. You just need to realise and live it.

{ ♡ }

– Pile Two,

the tree: the queen of cups and the temperance

Even though it is much better and gentle to hear that it never was supposed to be this way, that you never were destined to feel so much pain… That it wasn't your fault, nor the consequences of who you were and what you wanted… Even if it would be so much easier to heal those wounds if you would hear all of this… It still wouldn't be a complete truth. And you would know it deep down, you would have that uneasy feeling, that fear that it might happen again, because you would be aware of the fact that it was indeed because of what you did and said, to others or to yourself.

It was bound to happen. Your heart was destined to be scratched and crushed. In that moment or in another. In the hands of that person or in the ones of someone else… perhaps even yourself. It would've happened either way. Because it was the only thing that could've break through that wall of delusion, entitlement, a little immaturity, that was creating so many wrong convictions in you about the connections, about the shapes and ways of love. That pain and the feeling of betrayal… were truly the only things that could get you angry enough to unveil that mirror that you never looked in. It was the only way to make you see. Who you were, your own actions and words, your needs and desires, that often weren't so aligned. It was the only way to turn your gaze, your scrutiny and judgement inwards. To you. And not only to others, that so often simply reacted to how you were.

It is not an easy subject. The one of the maturity, of growing, of realising our own mistakes and for the first time, after so long, seeing the uncomfortable truth that it wasn't only others, the source of so much challenge and pain. It is not easy to listen to all those sudden conclusions and answers that our mind starts to find, when it is alone with our heart… And it is even more difficult to accept them, to admit that we too did our part in creating those battles in which we got stabbed…

But you did it. No matter if you wanted it, decided to take that time and reflect, or if it just came crashing down on you in the moment that you were already so tired and consumed that you couldn't ignore or postpone it. You did it. To your own self. You found a way to listen to you, to the truth, to allow you to show yourself how the things really were as you got through them, not seeing nothing but attacks and betrayals. You did it. You stayed there for a moment. You let it sink in. Until it changed something in you, even if those wounds still continued to sting.

Your healing became your growth. And each stitch on your heart started to feel sweet and sour in its pain, because of the knowledge that it wasn't just useless hurt. It had a reason, a motive, that you can now escape and avoid because you know what are those things that can trap you in them.

It gives you confidence, that new knowledge and awareness of yourself, enough to make you feel ready for another journey. For a new connection in which you can practice the things that you learned, making them truly work… But it is a little too soon now. You still need those stitches to keep you together, to burn a little to remind you of the consequences of impulsive and rushed steps that you shouldn't take if you want to take care of yourself. And this means that you are not ready. Not until those wounds will be only scars. Scars that you don't try to forget about and hide away. But those that you respect and are proud of, the ones that you look at without feeling regret, shame or rage. Those that you honour, by making the steps that never would make your body, your heart, go again through all that pain.

You need a little more time. A little more patience. Those feelings and connections that you strive for will not go anywhere. They will wait for you to be truly ready. They will wait because they know that it is best this way, that it is worth it, for you to heal completely first, before doing the next step.

{ ♡ }

– Pile Three,

the paths: the moon and the five of wands

It wasn't really your choice to be here. To be alone, to feel so tired and cold. It never was your intention, not even for a second, to remain without anyone… It never was the reason behind your actions and your words. And yet they led to this. To feeling so misunderstood in every connection and situation, to seeing their eyes so hurt or full of rage, even when you chose your words so carefully, as you only tried to explain what you needed, what you felt…

It feels a little like a losing game. The one you can never win no matter how hard you try, not when the rules change every single damn time. The people, their thoughts and feelings, their unique way of seeing a connection, what love is supposed to be… It is just tiring and confusing. Especially for a heart that never wanted so many complications, so many “adventures”. A heart that so innocently and genuinely only looked for love, in any way, shape or form.

It really makes you slow down, all of this, so many challenges, difficulties, arguments and hurt. It makes you reflect on whether this is really what you want. If it is worth it at all. If you really can't live without it to the point of finding somewhere that strength and patience to keep on trying no matter what…

But, what if, the desire and need for this unconditional and powerful feeling, did indeed led you to a journey of love? What if they still worked, all those wishes spent on this… but just in a way that you didn’t know you needed to experience first?

You were so eager, so open, so ready for it… You did so much in the name of love, never pretending to find a specific type of it, just wanting to feel it once… And it was given to you, a journey of love. Of love for yourself. And the urge to take care and protect every inch of you, exactly like only a person truly in love would've done.

Through the ones that came closer, their often annoying or painful ways; through others that are further, their fairytale like stories that made you feel jealous and simply sad because this is not what you have; through the experiences, the ups and downs, the never ending frustrating stories and only few feeble joyful moments… You did go through a journey. And you did find love. The one of the truest and strongest form. You found love for yourself. Who you were. Who you are. And who you can and will become.

It is not what you looked for nor expected, it's true. But it is exactly what you needed to experience and learn. Before letting others teach you what love truly is, you needed to understand it on your own, to set those boundaries, expectations, limits that only those that are worthy can overcome. Those that you will see from miles away, feel so naturally and instantly. Because now you simply know what love is, respect and kindness, and you can recognise it in every gaze of those that truly can embody it, making you feel safe.

{ ♡ }

_

[thatfrailsoul]

– Good luck and fate

Divinatory Jukebox: Chance in Coin || Chants of Curse, by Pengosolvent.

tarot pick a pile reading → one, two, three

There are things… that seem to choose us. The ones that seem to be the answer to all our questions, the solution to all our needs, the medium for all our dreams… There are things that captivate us, hypnotize, by whispering to us the promises that we so sincerely need to hear in that moment of our lives. So we follow them. Climbing over every obstacle, ignoring every bleeding wound, never turning around to listen to the voices that are trying to stop us, afraid that it might be a test, a cruel game in which we’ll lose everything we achieved so far… Everything that is contained in that one final prize that is looking back at us from the horizon. So shiny, so perfect, so desirable. Like the moon itself that is gazing upon us, guiding us… And yet, we lose ourselves in the dark, one step away, a wrong turn taken in a rush… The same promise is still visible, still present, but with so many new insurmountable obstacles between us, ready to tear apart our tired body, heart and mind. Leaving us without nothing, if not emptied inside out.

Was it really a good decision, a worthy plan, but just poorly executed? Was it really our fault, of our incompetence or lack of faith and patience? Or was it someone else's responsibility, perhaps a malevolent strategy to make us fall and forget about salvation or healing? Was it maybe… Just a coincidence? Or destiny? And does it even matter now, when we are on our knees, consumed and heavily breathing, lost between the opportunities and chances that never chose us back to begin with? Should we stop, start from scratch… or should we live with it? Should we see something, understand, about this journey that betrayed us so fiercely?

Slow down. Breathe. Stop holding in your emotions for a moment and let them flow. Let them guide you to the pile that has something to tell you now.

— Pile One,

the house: the hanged man and the ten of cups

It’s unexpected how it has grown on you. This journey, this idea and hope that became only stronger, even disperate, as your every try was abruptly refused and stopped.

This place and situation is so suffocating, pressuring, too tight to let you breathe, feeling safe with what you've managed to harvest so far… And yet not even one of your steps leads to the opposite direction, to another option, away from this nightmare. Not even one of your mind’s frenetic thoughts is about leaving... Because there aren’t any better ways to live here, there aren’t any options left that you didn't try already, failing.

It’s not really a matter of should you stay or leave, for you now. It’s just the matter of how to keep on holding on with the little strength and patience that you still have within you. What else could you do to make things work here and now, on this journey that you already dedicated so much of yourself to. As you will try your best to hide and ignore the delusion that is starting to overwhelm you. For this idea, your fate, yourself and your decisions…

You are chaining yourself to it, forcing yourself to look only in that direction, focus only on that one thing, not daring to say out loud that it all revealed to be just a failure… And you are deliberately convincing your own heart - that is screaming for you to find an exit - that all you found out here, all that you learned… Will ever serve only this place and way, only these people…

But you know well that this is not the truth. You know well that this journey, even with its harsh reality or perhaps because of it, teached you how to use the little that you have, to survive and make little steps forward despite everything that you went through. Because, even if it might indeed be wrong, but you did stay. You managed to resist and hold on for so long, and not just because of pure coincidence, luck or such strong manipulation of those that are holding you by the neck. No. You did it all yourself. Your conviction and determination did it. Even if it was a mistake, even if it was for the wrong reasons, but it did work, you did push yourself through all of this just because of your resilience and strength and anger that nurtured all of it.

So you can do the same, but for the right things now. You can leave. You can stop. You can take with you only what you experienced and learned, leaving without ever achieving what you initially had in mind. And you can make it work even with these crumbles. You can create with them something else. And you can find another place or journey or people that could fill in those little empty spaces. You can. Just because you did all of this up until now. And that same strength or stubbornness, fear or hopelessness that made you hold up so tightly… They can be the ones to push you forward somewhere new, somewhere different. They can be used to help you do something good for yourself, after all this time, instead of torturing you from inside out.

Simply because they are yours. Not of that place, those people or that journey. They are not the ones that gave you all this strength and faith. You always had them. And they won't disappear the moment you’ll take a step away from them.

There is no mistake, nor guilt, nor shame, in accepting that this one is not working. There won't be any failure, any destruction in your life just because you realize and accept it. There will be only an epiphany. A much needed ending to this suffering. And a new beginning, so many other journeys, that you can now recognise and choose thanks to the simple switch of your perception. And the power that you will finally start to feel once you realise that you are doing something only because you want to.

p.s.

♡ Toss a coin to your reader

♡ Receive personal guidance from me

— Pile Two,

the stars: the emperor and the death

There is something about it… Something so simple and yet complicated. Something that you know already, deep down within you, and yet you don't dare to say it. Something that others are trying to tell you… And yet their chosen words are so out of place that they can’t reach you. There is something hidden and yet so clear and obvious to all of those involved... And it’s your power of choice that you have upon it.

It feels strange, it feels odd and even ridiculous to hear it. How in the world could you be the one deciding this when every your step and breath are controlled and forced into someone else’s will? I wouldn’t dare to be another one that tells you to just go away and leave it, condemning yourself to a situation much worse than the one you are enduring here, right? Because if it is so, you already have enough of it. You feel literally crushed under all these opinions on how to manage your life and the things you are living. Advices that you never wanted, that never really give you the answer that you want to hear now.

That you are doing pretty well, that you are making progress. That you are doing everything in your power and thus things will work out in the end, despite all the problems. That you waited and endured a lot, and you need to just have a little more patience. To see the day in which it will all be recognised and cherished. Each tear, each heavy breath, each ache in your tired body. Each anxious thought and your heart’s screams that you ignored somehow... You just want to hear that it will be worth it. Because the idea that all this suffering was for nothing is much more painful, painful to even think it.

And yet there is a kind of truth to it. It is for nothing, if you destroy yourself for it.

This journey, this idea or plan, was something that was supposed to help you live a whole new life. New experiences, new perspectives, new rhythms, new achievements. New things to be excited and proud about. But also new things to enjoy and live. Something that you are not able to do now, because you simply are too tired to even think about it.

You are consuming yourself. Using every inch of you just to go through it, in hopes to see, perhaps one day, finally the end of it. Because it is already too late, you are too much into it, you have already done so many things for it that you can't possibly drop and leave it…

Or perhaps you can. Realising that nothing of this makes sense if there won’t be a happy and healthy you to witness it. Not a reward, a recognition, an achievement. Not any ‘’victory’’ against those that enjoy torturing you while you are barely breathing. It makes no sense already. Not because others don’t see it or don't believe in you and your achievements. But because of you who don't believes it either, but between nothing and something, chooses the one that appears to be more worthy of keeping.

But is nothing really so disgraceful? Or does that mean that you have simply the hands free to hold between them anything else, with all the time and chances to turn them one way and the other, look at them closely, possibly finding something you would have never seen in them just through a fast and tired glimpse from the place you chained yourself with?

p.s.

♡ Toss a coin to your reader

♡ Receive personal guidance from me

— Pile Three,

the bouquet: the star and the eight of coins.

Your sleepless nights and tired mornings are filled with so many thoughts, so many doubts now… About if you did the right thing, if you really did everything you needed to make this work, if you are not making a mistake by having so much faith in it…

And as each day passes, and the answer to those questions does not arrive, each of those thoughts become much heavier and draining, not living space for any other emotion than just fear and regret in your heart.

But that moment, that first step that you chose to do, was such a gift for you and your journey, for your growth. A gift that wasn't yet delivered to you.

It is indeed frustrating to keep on going without having any confirmation, any sign or certainty that this is really it, that it won't be a dead end or a trap like it already happened so many times. But… What you are doing is worth it. It is worth it regardless of the success or failure, regardless of the outcome that you will hold in your hands at the end of this path. And this is what this world, with such a particular and cryptic, sometimes even confusing way, is trying to make you understand.

It is important the reason and the goal for which you are doing all of this. It is the motivation, your inspiration and strength to move on. But at the same time it is not the only thing. Or, to be exact, the goal itself is not the only thing that made you chose this specific way and path. You chose it also because of the how. How learning and experimenting in this environment will be. How this new journey will feel with these specific people, in this specific place. How their ways will influence and help you to find your own right way… So why, now, you are focusing and waiting only for that outcome? Why are you rushing so far into the future with your anxious mind, not spending even a second in this present moment, truly feeling and experiencing the journey that you on your own chose for so many reasons that spoke to your heart?

There is nothing that you are missing or not understanding, there is nothing that you are doing wrong and that is causing this outcome to not be reached yet, to not be found… A part of, perhaps and simply, not living truly in this moment.

Because it is all already here. That goal, those experiences, those feelings. They are not yet complete, it’s true, they are hidden in the little interactions and experiences of this new routine that you are still adjusting to. But they are already here, scattered all around you, and you are walking on them without really realising it, not feeling them, their weight and presence. With a head too far away to feel what your body is experiencing.

But that joy, enthusiasm, progress, victories and success are all already here and you are living them. Even if it will take some time to fuse them all and to create that dream that you once saw and chose.

Don't worry and don't rush. Or, at least, don't put on your own self the pressure and the responsibility of not seeing any concrete results yet. Don't blame so fastly your own self and your decisions, because you don't have any of them. You are doing well. You made the right choice. It just needs some more time and experience to see it all grow and bloom into something more. So for now, have patience, have more faith in your own self, in your decisions and your capabilities to make things work once you focus on them. And take your time truly doing it, immersing yourself in this new life that is manifesting in front of your eyes. Pay attention to every moment, every detail, every step that you take, realising how much actually is it, how much you are already accomplishing. And don't hide too much in your future or in your head. There is a whole life that you are living right here and now, and it needs you, your attention, care and appreciation. Because you did a lot to be here now, and it is not fair to your own self to don't enjoy it or trust it, choosing to listen only to those fears that overwhelm your mind.

p.s.

♡ Toss a coin to your reader

♡ Receive personal guidance from me

_

[thatfrailsoul]

– A wish come true

new year's tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

At the midnight of the new year... There are a lot of whishes that cross our mind. And even more of them stay hidden, silently, somewhere in our heart... But which one of them will be granted to you this year? Which is the one that your soul wanted or needed more, enough to allow it to manifest into this world?

This is our third and last message for the beginning of this new year… A somewhat magical ending, with a glimpse of what we will be able to create and gift ourselves, through the connection of our subconscious and conscious mind. Because it is true that when wish for something', we whisper it out, into this world, hoping that someone will hear and help us... But we are the first ones to listen to ourselves. We are the ones that start to create and guide us through our reality, right to that dream that we expressed.

So take a moment. Breathe. And follow your gaze to the pile that attracts you more. The one that hides a message for you, about something that will be soon and finally yours.

{P.s. What pile did you choose? ♡ Let me know ~}

– Pile One,

the book: the eight and the nine of cups

This year… will be the one of transformation. Of pure and powerful growth of your persona, and of the world around you that will rush to keep up with you and all the possibilities you will discover for you.

One little thing, one little detail… And it’s like you open your eyes for the first time. Seeing your reality so differently. Almost like your perception of it, just a mere second ago, was only your imagination. The limits, the obstacles… all gone. Just like that. Just because you found that right spot from which to look at it, discovering all at once the alternative paths that were always there, so hidden and never used.

Changing place, career or studies… it will not be a scary and silent desire anymore. It won’t be a fantasy to lull you at night. It will be overwhelmingly real, but beautiful. And possible. All thanks to your patience and hard work. All thanks to your dedication and tender grip you had on this dream, never letting it go, no matter how difficult it seemed to bring it into this world.

You will make it out of this cage of circumstances. But without any rush or guilt for leaving everything and running away, hearing the disappointing or judgemental voices of others behind your back. No, you will do it the right way. The one that will satisfy both them and your mind. You will do it so no one ever doubts it, your decisions… You will do it by taking care first of what you have now, so you won't ever have regret about your choice.

It will take some time indeed, to finish up this journey first, to conclude at least one of its phases, to keep under control that impatience and at times frustration of wanting to move on… But it will not seem so long once you will do it. Once you will focus on it, this time knowing clearly why you are doing it, and without feeling pressured and forced for the first time in so long.

You will just do it. Achieve what you can, what is enough for you, and then you'll move forward, but on a different path.

It will be quite an adventure, the one you will live this year. But it won't be rushed or difficult. It will be clear and flexible. An adventure that will seem to be already so well written, leaving to you only the most fun and easy part of enjoying it, following the flow and plot of it.

{ ♡ }

– Pile Two,

the ship: the eight of wands and the knight of cups

So much movement… So many things to plan, to check and to control. So many stuff to consider and to take care of as you go further… It really is overwhelming. Even if this change and progress was something that you wanted and worked on for so long. It still doesn’t really prepare you, desiring it or thinking about it, to the reality of what change is. The fast pace, the little time to breathe, the way things become completely different from one night to another, needing much more attention from you, than when they only were in the dreams you visited when you wanted. It is demanding, consuming, and it is not linear at all. It is so fast one moment, and then the other everything stops. Making you wait days, months, sometimes even years… Not giving you time to react and adapt, and once you somehow do it, not allowing you to put in practice what you prepared.

It was happening already for quite some time. Becoming the manifestation of your frustration, rather than a dream come true, the thing you wanted and hoped for so long… But finally things seem to calm down a little, as there is less and less to do and organise. And more free moments for you to just stop, look around, and see that you are finally here, exactly where you pictured yourself so many times. Where you can realise that it wasn't a mistake after all, like you started to think amids all that confusion and movement that you didn't expect in your dreams. And that it indeed was just a phase, just the beginning of a journey for which this year you will be ready for finally.

You will have more time and space, in the end. Exactly like you imagined it. That freedom, that peace, that space to grow and experience new things. Learning again to enjoy this journey, to remember why you wanted it so much, and letting go of the stress and confusion that this preparation overwhelmed you with.

You will make out of it, victorious. Holding in your hands the reality that you created all by yourself. Complete, real, exactly like you wanted it to be.

{ ♡ }

– Pile Three,

the stork: the six of cups and the ace of coins

They are so heavy… those things, people, situations from the past. The ones that became pure burden, slowing you down so much, distracting you, calling your mind and heart every single time you try to start anew. They are so persistent, even when they are only a memory, that is ridiculous, just how much power something can have over you… So much that in this desperation and frustration you started to think that it was you, who was still holding onto it, who was bringing it back alive from the past.

But it wasn't really you, at least not only. It was simply all that reminded of it to you, triggered you, in such a painfully familiar way. And there wasn't anything wrong in the fact that you couldn't just ignore it like so many suggested.

You needed your time, and you took it for yourself. Even if it wasn't always so easy or exactly like you wanted… you still gave yourself that space needed to heal and fully process all that happened. Enough to clear things out, find answers, context and explanations, even if you are the only one aware of them, even if they will never listen or express their perspective on what happened. It was still enough for you. For that you of the past that felt like things never really ended, because of how many things remained untold and so strange. You helped yourself. You ended things, concluded them, even the ones that should've been taken care of by those who walked away. But you freed yourself.

And with this new peace, new understanding and acceptance, you will start to welcome in all those things that you wanted but couldn't reach. They will come to you on their own, naturally, seeing that now you are truly ready to live a new phase of your journey.

It will be simply easier this year. Taking the opportunities, making choices, trying things, working on them and achieving. Because there won't be nothing heavy on your heart, nothing overwhelming your mind. Not the past. Not the regret or silent and contained rage. There will be just you, who left it all behind. Being now able to fully open your wings and take flight.

One seemingly little thing will influence and change so much. In all areas of your life. That will start to evolve and bloom into something more, in those desires that for so long you were forced to keep just in your heart, daydreaming about a chance to live a different life.

{ ♡ }

[thatfrailsoul]

– It's okay to let it go now

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

It is so difficult, so simply frustrating, to feel once again that ending coming near. To be aware of the fact that, once again, everything you did was not closely enough to make it work... But while you do feel the anger and anxiety creeping in... You also feel deep down the pure relief, because perhaps you might have finally the possibility to stop sacrificing yourself, your energy, so much... It makes you confused, about what you truly want and especially what is the right thing to do, if it is really okay to give up and let it go...

So here you can find a little message for you. For you who did so much. And that needs to remind your own self a truth that you, so overwhelmed, are risking now to forget.♡

Slow down for a moment. Breathe. Listen to your heart, to its rhythm. Allow it to speak to you. And choose the image that seems so familiar, calling so strongly your heart.

Remembering that, whatever the message might be, you are free to listen to it or to let go. Without the need to make it fit. Because your true answer will always find you, the moment you will be really ready and will have the need.

_

_

– Pile One,

the six of wands, the tower, the two of wands

The Awakening, Eugene De Blaas

You just arrived here. Here where for so long you wanted to be. It is only the beginning, it is all really starting just now, but... It already feels like an eternity. All the obstacles you overcame, all the challenges you faced to be here. All the times you pushed yourself further even when you didn't have anymore any strength. It's only the beginning of this journey, but you feel already drained, already tired. You feel already frustrated at the idea of needing to keep on doing it tomorrow, perhaps even more, and who knows for how long.

But you can't really think about giving up... can you? Can you really have the dearness to take this decision back, returning to where you were before? Can you really have the courage to say it out loud, that this prologue, this preparation for the journey you chose, already consumed you so much?

You are frenetically buying time. Lingering here, not really doing that step that will sign this beginning, the one that you earned and worked for so much. All because you can't help but feel and wander about what's behind you, in the space and time that is before this choice that you are forcing yourself to do. Where there are no limits, no struggles, no fears. The space where all the challenges of this journey won't arrive to you, because you will comeback to the start again. Where you can choose differently, try other things, go in a different direction. That liberty that is so close, just a one decision away... But at the same time so distant because of all the things that you already endured for this journey instead.

You can't decide. No matter how you look at it. You can't understand what will be worse: continuing on this path that, even before starting, already showed you how the rest will be, how you will constantly feel and what you will struggle with; or to face the challenge of searching for something else and having nothing again, combined with all the judgment, delusion that you will feel from those around you and just within your own self...

But going back, being honest with yourself and accepting that it is not for you... Will it really make useless all your dedication and work? Will it really be a missing opportunity, you letting this chance slip through your fingers? Or will perhaps this be you really using it, using it to find something new, something even better because it will be just so right for you?

You are human, you change and you grow. You still have so much to learn about this world. And it is normal to imagine something to be in one way, try it, and discover it to be different, to not be right for you. It is normal and okay to change decisions, change your convictions, opinions and your mind. No matter how much you did in their name or for how much time.

Not everything needs to be done up to their designated completion. Not everything needs to be believed in or worked for until its very end. You can realise that something is simply not for you. You can accept that you made a wrong assumption. You can allow this journey to end for you in this moment, different from others or from what you planned it to be. And you can do it while still being proud of what you did and learned for it.

Simply because this, realising that something is not right for you, can still be exactly what you needed to do all this time. What this was all for. To learn more about this journey that made you wander, and to get to know more your own self and who you really want to be. For sure different from what you imagined... But still a purpose, still fulfilled, still right, still enough and worth it. And the one that still and always allows you to end it and let it be.

P.s. If you would like to receive a more personal message and guidance about your situation - find out all about it here!♡

– Pile Two,

the magician, temperance, three of swords

The Siren Lorelei, August Schmidt

You were so patient with yourself. So kind at every step, at every doubt and fear. You reassured yourself, convinced gently that it is okay, that you can do it, even if it feels so strange. Even if it makes you be and feel so different from what you used to, from who you thought you were and how you imagined you would want your life to be. You were so loving, to yourself and to this situation and people involved... that you stayed right here, and tried, again and again.

Just to be sure, for your own self, that you indeed did your best, that you are not betraying anyone and messing things up. You pushed yourself constantly out of your comfort zone, listening to others and their opinions or advices, wandering when that moment of feeling confident and into it will arrive. When this pressure on your heart will pass.

But what you convinced yourself to be just inexperience, just some sort of fear for change or not being used to these ways... Perhaps was your inner voice telling you that it is just not right for you.

It is right the idea that until we try something, until we experience it, we can't really know what it's like. If it is really something that we can't enjoy in any way, or get used to it, seeing positive things even in those parts of it that we assumed we would've hate...

But it is also true that you did try, you did put yourself out there, you did push yourself further, continuing to give yourself time to adapt. You did ignore that uncomfortable feeling that was creeping on you since the very first day and try.

And this... This simply gives you the right to let it go and stop. Knowing, within yourself, that you did everything you needed and everything you could. That you have nothing to be sorry for, nothing to be ashamed of...

But only everything - your every decision, every step and every time you had that incredible strength and courage to not give up - to be deeply proud of. Proud of being who you are and the way you are. No matter how the journey itself is, no matter if you will be the one to let it go, or if it will be this journey that will decide that it gave you all it could. And that it is enough.

P.s. If you would like to receive a more personal message and guidance about your situation - find out all about it here!♡

– Pile Three,

the death, the queen of swords, the nine of cups

Evening by the Lake, Max Nonnenbruch

You didn't start this journey with the thought that it will end so soon. You didn't dedicate so much of yourself and your time, just for this to go so poorly right at the start... And even if it wasn't for this, it's just so irritating, the fact that it seems that you can't never win. You can't have your idea or your plan working out from the start to end.

And this, this sort of frustrating realisation that you are having, is torturing you even more now that you don't really have a choice. Now that this journey will either way end.

It is simply draining, tiring, to need to make all these big plans, strategies, choosing a goal and dedicate so much of yourself to it... Just for being forced to restart again.

And you just feel it deep down, that you can't ask yourself to do it once more. Not after everything you did to just have this chance, this glimpse of possibility that was indeed too good to be true.

But if we need to tell the truth, if we need to talk about what hides deep down in you... Then we also need to admit the fact that you didn't really give all of you to this, or to those others journeys. You did give a lot of you, but not everything. Hiding still that hope and desire that you can do things differently from what all these options wanted you to do, different from what others, people or just circumstances, try to choose for you.

You still and always hoped and waited, for a real chance to make things the way you want, the way you feel that it will be right for you... And if you, for a moment, remember it, admit it, allow it to come to the surface... Seeing this and other situations from this perspective... You are not really missing or ruining opportunities, you are not really failing. Because you, deep down, never intended to be successful and go further this way.

You are aware of it, you knew it always even when you tried so hard to hide it. And the universe, this world, knew it too. Others felt it. No matter what you said, promised or what you did so well. Everything around you knows your end goal, your little but so promising and strong desire, creating all these situations and journeys that you've seen a fraction of... Just to help you. Not to succeed in them, to walk these paths right up to a goal you never really wanted. But rather to allow you to find little bits of knowledge and experience that are so needed for that plan, that vision, that you have in your heart.

You didn't lose, you actually won all the way. Finding and accumulating exactly what you need to have a clear picture of the world around you, of the sources that you can use, the ways in which you can try to do it, the people that can and will support the calling of your heart. You found it.

You found everything that you might need. You just need to take a moment to unpack it. To look at them truly, for the first time from the perspective of your own journey and goal, from the perspective of your own desire.

Don't hold onto what is already ending either way. Don't hold onto what could've been, what you could've achieved, or what you already prepared yourself to do... But rather allow yourself to feel the liberty of movement, of thought, of creation that you now have without these limits or responsibilities that you never really wanted either way.

It is an ending. Once again. But this time it is a good one. The one that is setting you free, giving you the real and only opportunity you need: to be honest with yourself and to for once follow your vision and dream.

P.s. If you would like to receive a more personal message and guidance about your situation - find out all about it here!♡

_

[thatfrailsoul]

_

P.s. See the full painting at the end!♡

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Slow down for a moment. Allow your heart to guide you, to tell you if there is really a message here for you... And whatever the answer is, feel free to listen to it or to let go. Remembering that when you will be ready or will have the need, your true message will find its way to you.♡

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Yes. Because, even though it's unfair, even though it was so overwhelmingly painful and challenging - it was necessary. Because you're so persistent and ready to fight for what you love, for what you consider right... that you would've never been able to let it go. To see the reality, understand and accept the fact that it was more harmful than right for you. That situation. That decision. That person. The ones that the world decided to protect you from, stepping in when you needed it the most. Even if you are starting to realize it only now. Now that, not so gently but for your own good, you were pushed away. Into a new and different phase of your life.

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Even though this journey was always meant to end... Its transformation into that battle that you've had to endure was not the way it was supposed to happen. Your heart, so powerful, convinced and ready to fight for what it feels is right... Was too strong this time. Had too much resilience to make this work, no matter how, no matter how much you would've need to try. And although there is absolutely nothing wrong with it... Sometimes it's exactly this desire and perseverance that makes us lose sight of the reality and what is right.

Especially, when we are running from our past, determined to don't make the same mistakes that scared us so much. To the point that it's easier to sacrifice ourselves to make everything change and adapt, then to accept that no matter how much we tried to avoid it, we found the same pain and nightmare even if in someone new, far away from the past.

But everything is alright now, even if it still hurts and every memory makes your heart tremble. You are fine now. You are safe. You escaped and found your right path once again.

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Pile Three, the six of wands

You handled it much better than you imagine. You made the right choices even if the wounds they created make you doubt. It happened. But it doesn't really matter why or how. It's already in the past, as the time keeps running and drags you with its passage. With all the new beginnings, new people, new moments and emotions that almost overwhelm your life. Not leaving you a second to process and allow yourself to take a break and realize...

But rather than being a cruel joke and coincidence, it's more of an awkward way of this world to not allow you to fall into that spiral in your mind. It's their way to not allow you to focus on anything but your strength, courage and all the things that still await you in your life.

Because the most important thing, truly, is that you are here now, and everything about what happened... is already far far away in the past. The one that you already faced and survived, and that doesn't need anymore the attention of your heart and mind.

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"The Bouquet", 1900, by Wladyslaw Czachorski.

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[thatfrailsoul]

– The journey of a soul

new year tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

Sometimes we crave that something… We feel the need to create, to speak, to make our steps in a certain way. With more intention, more meaning, more magic in it. Something that can give to all of this, to every single little detail and moment in our routines, more significance. And by doing so, give our own selves more motivation, strength, courage and energy to keep on going. Feeling that it is not at all useless. Feeling that there is something more in this life than just the material, at times repetitive or stagnant world. But even when we have so much desire for it… It is still not so easy to understand which is that one way to do things that can really help us see and feel again this world from the perspective of our soul, and not our consumed and tired thoughts. What we can do to connect, nourish and embrace ourselves. Through the expression of our soul.

This is our very first reading for this new year, requested by one of you to whom I’m so grateful for this idea and chance to tap for a moment in the more spiritual aspect of our life. No matter if you already have someone or something that you believe in, accepting their guidance in your life; if you always felt connected so deeply only to your own self; if you never felt this desire to look at life differently until this point… You are welcomed here, and there will be the right message for you. As no matter if we look at it from the spiritual and religious perspective, or more logical and psychological one, there is still something that can help you express, nourish and celebrate yourself more. Something that can help you find more peace within this year, transforming it into the strength to go through this life and the easy or challenging moments it sometimes gifts.

So slow down. Breathe. Allow yourself to let go for a moment of judgment, analysis or control. And just follow that one pile that attracts your gaze more. The one that is hiding the message from your soul.

P.s. A little question for you.♡

As I’m trying to improve the experience of the extended versions of our readings, it would be deeply helpful for me to know your opinion about their format! For example, when and if you’ll ever buy an extended version of a reading, what would be more comfortable for you to find in them? Just the additional message? Or it might be helpful to have the original one included too, so you have everything in one place in case you want to read again the whole reading, or check more than one pile?

{ Thank you so much for letting me know!♡ }

– Pile One,

the coffin: the king of wands and the temperance

This past year… There were so many things that you were forced to say goodbye to. People, connections, ideas and opportunities, journeys and goals… So many things didn't work, for one reason or another. So many of them needed a different approach, much more than you expected or could do. So many of them seemed to not want you at all, pushing you back no matter how many times you tried to make them work.

But even if it was frustrating and scary, you adapted to all the failures and changes. You tried to remain on the surface in any way you could, looking for something else, accepting whatever alternative seemed good enough for you. And even though you did your best, you managed to make things work either way, accepting them and being grateful even though they are not exactly like you wanted or imagined… It still remains a reality that is not quite yours. Just the one you surrendered to and embraced in the absence of other things that you truly wanted to live and achieve. And in the long run… It is tiring you. To need to keep up with a life that you don't feel truly fitting for yourself, your desires or goals. Because no matter how many positive aspects you can find in them, no matter how strong and capable you are, to make use of them and endure them... It still remains a heavy phase of life, the one that you are going through.

If we’d to ask ourselves what are the things in our life that we don't want or don't feel quite right… We would think almost immediately and only about the big ones. Work, home, studies, relationships that we can’t really control… But there is much more between these big and main goals or concerns that consume all of our focus. There are those little actions and decisions that we do each day, in our routine that we are not really even aware of anymore, allowing it to guide us blindly through one day and the one after that. And there are a lot of aspects of them that we let pass by, without looking at what they are made of. And how many things of those are really aligned with who we want to be or how we want to live this life.

It is normal that we can’t just stand up and change everything in our life, there are too many things that depend not only on us. But we don't need to change those in order to be able to feel safe and at peace, finally enjoying this life. We can and should do it in the little steps we take each day that we wake up.

So take a moment, sit down with yourself, grab a pen, a phone, your pc or whatever you feel more comfortable in using to organise your thoughts. And ask yourself, truly, who is that person that you feel to be in your mind and heart, in your inner world, and that each year you try so hard to bring into the real one. Look at them, describe them, so you can see yourself clearly. Not the version that was made by this reality, these circumstances that decided who and how you needed to be in order to survive and make it through. But the one that you are truly, without any if or but. Without any limit or consequence. Without any judgment or image to keep up with. See them, every detail about how they feel, towards others or just in their own skin. How they deal with obstacles or troubles. What helps them to unwind and relax. The things that they do and really feel satisfied after, proud of what they did no matter if it was a lot or little… And just keep them in mind. Make that version of you be your guide and idol, the one you look up to throughout this year. Each day of it. Because it is not just a dream or a delusion, your desire to be one day like that version that you have in your mind. It is actually your inner self that wants to be this way, and knows deep down that it is possible to feel so confident and safe. Because it's not that you are not like you want, and so is your life, while this is just a delusion that helps you sleep at night. It is still and always you, even if it is only in your dreams and goals for now. Both versions are you, just one needs some time and nourishment to grow up to be the other one.

Even if it might seem not so spiritual, to change your routine, to make room for the things that for so long you wanted to do but never had the time or space, or to just let yourself throw away the judgment and limits on what you do or how… It is still a spiritual, magical, practice. A practical way of taking care of yourself through the things that you can control, choose and decide. It is still a way of expressing and connecting to your own self. While simultaneously making little but significant changes in your life, allowing you to feel safe and comfortable not only within your mind or heart, but also in the things of the every day life.

And this, this can really make an incredible impact on the things that you can’t control too. Just because the wait will be more enjoyable, once you are staying in a place where not everything is frustrating and pressuring. Once you don't feel caught up between two things that give you only anxiety and unsatisfaction, but there is still something that is worth it, to go through these days one after another, while waiting for the big changes to begin.

This reality is hardly the one that you chose for yourself, but through little changes you can make it be more like what you want. So there is more of good and worthy, of safe and enjoyable, that keeps your attention better than the stagnant or bad ones, alleviating the pressure those have on your shoulders, on your heart and on your mind.

The spirituality is not only about practices, rituals, of following the guidance and “rules” of who and what you believe in… It is also and always taking care of yourself, in whatever way you need or can now. And in this year, in the one that once again you have so much hope for, the most needed and easiest for you way to nourish yourself is by making your current reality more safe and enjoyable for you, no matter if the other “big” things will change or stay the same. Because we can’t always control our journey, but we can change the way we go through it. And in your case, you can start doing it through the little things done for yourself, for that version of you that you want so much to manifest.

{ ♡ }

– Pile Two,

the cross: the lovers and the ten of swords

It is not the first time that this desire blooms within you. The one to be devoted to something close and true to your soul. To allow it to guide you, teach you. To allow it to protect you and take care of you as you go through these difficult days. It is not the first time you feel the pure and genuine desire to not feel so alone, so doomed, so lost. But to have someone or something to look after you, to light the right journey for you…

You already tried so many things. Opened up your mind and your heart to new ideas and beliefs. You held them close to your heart, let it in, right into your soul, and listened patiently, waiting for an answer, for a sign that this is something that is right and true for you, something that you can trust to guide you…

But although so many of them felt so exciting and interesting to learn about, there was always that one little detail that never fitted, never was quite right for you. Making it so difficult to stick with them, to truly dedicate your time and energy to them. To truly feel that faith that is needed in order to believe… The first moments of enthusiasm always faded. The new routines that seemed so easy to respect became more tedious and difficult to keep up with. The words that first resonated so strongly with your heart… Always sooner or later found their nemesis in your thoughts, in your fearful and anxious questions that never found answers that could satisfy them.

And you felt only more coldness around and within you. As this flame of connecting with your soul somehow, more significantly, in a more sacred way, didn't receive its nourishment. Becoming smaller with each day that you wanted to understand yourself and this world better, but were unable to crack the code…

But no matter how many things you tried, how much you learned about so many ways of creating through your soul or manifest your true self unapologetically into this world… It is still the very start for you. You are only at the beginning of this journey. As through your hard work you learned all the possible ways, methods, practices and ideas… But you never learned what, or who, is it that you want to connect to. You never took a moment to just look at your own self and what you hold within your body, mind and heart. There are many religions, many practices, many believes that could fit in your life, that could really help you. But it is difficult to find out which is the right one, when you don't really know the size you need, right?

Although it is admirable your openness and desire to learn and experiment… There is no need for you now to decide already who or what to follow. Because first you need to be able to listen to your own self, without any voice or interpretations of others in between. You need to focus on yourself, this year, on who you are, before trusting others and their truths. As they can so easily make you lose sight of who you are, when you don’t have what to hold to in the first place.

For now observe yourself. Your feelings, thoughts, perceptions and reactions when interacting with this world. Observe them also when you are all alone. When there is no one else apart your self… What do you feel, what do you desire or need, when facing all of it? Because you really do think that it is not needed, that there is noone that knows you best. But in this search for someone else that can translate the way your soul talks, someone who understands it… You didn’t notice how much you have changed. How much the motives and explanations of what you feel or think have changed, narrating a different story about who you are, and what your soul strives for now.

{ ♡ }

– Pile Three,

The child: the two of wands and the five of cups

So many plans, so many guidelines, so many routines… Always so many things to learn and to adapt to, so many limits needed for you so you wouldn't make mistakes… They really got you used to it. To have a clear vision of what you are going to do, or how, with all the needed steps to follow. They got you used so much to it, that you can’t help but do it regarding your own self, your own soul too. The way you express it, create with it… The things that you do to connect with it.

You can’t help but to rely on something or someone, just even the tiniest advice or guidance, before you do that one first step on the path that you are thinking to choose. But it doesn't really work with more intimate, less material things, doesn't it? It only kind of kills the enthusiasm and lightness in your heart by putting so many dos and don’ts into your mind.

There is nothing wrong in looking out for it… In looking around you, discovering different ideas and ways others do it. But it does become more heavy and strict when instead of being inspired and experimenting in your own way with it, you are trying to follow each someone's step, just to be sure to not be disrespectful, ignorant, or just weird.

Interests that help your mind to grow or hobbies that allow your heart to express itself and unwind… Routines that give you stability or practices that give you confidence… They all change so much, depending on who is doing them. For someone they are natural and easy. For others they are so difficult to stick with no matter how much one tries. And yet you still feel uneasy, you still believe that the reason you can’t find that one right thing, create that one safe space for yourself… Is you and the mistakes that, you are so sure of, you make.

And what if it is true anyway? What if you really do manage in doing only one thing and not the other? What if only one half of someone’s truth sits right with you? It is your life. Your soul. And it is obvious that it won’t be so easy to follow the example of someone else when trying to take care of it.

You tried so many things, explored so many different ideas and believes. And while you see yourself being able to welcome them in your life only partially as your incapability or inadequacy… You shouldn't ignore so confidently all those little things and details that still did resonate with you, even if each one of them comes from different cultures or practices. Your soul is the fusion of all your lives, your experiences, thoughts and feelings in each one of them. And the way it feels more safe to look at this world, and respect and nourish the one within you… Can indeed be a puzzle of all the different things that you learned or saw, but that fit so well together when you are that one connecting point.

Don’t busy yourself with finding, choosing and sticking to only one thing or way to take care of yourself, only one set of rules, only one school of thoughts. Because even though it might be the only one for someone, their whole life and armor, their story or personality, it doesn't necessarily need to be yours too. It can be strong, stable and beautiful enough even if it is made from different materials. A spirituality and magic that is all yours. The one that connects you to so many different parts of this world and to those that live or that used to, leaving to us their example and story to learn from.

Just go for your own way. Keep on remaining open, so enthusiastic and curious. Keep on learning and trying new and different ways, discovering how many things there truly are in this world that can be helpful and good for your body, mind or heart. Keep on enjoying them, or contrary, learning what are those things that are not quite aligned with you. And create as you go this beautiful and unique puzzle of wholeness and wellbeing, of a truth and guidance that is just yours, while still being connected to all.

{ ♡ }

[thatfrailsoul]

– Make me feel like someone else

tarot pick a pile reading

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

There are people that we just can’t resist. A smile that is impossible to not be contaged by. A voice that is so difficult to not trust. A silhouette that we follow without even realising how easily they are taking us away from the old ways, making us see this world under such a different light… A charming person, a magnetic aura… Could it really be only a spell that makes us blind to something deeply important, something that we should be aware of but that we just can’t grasp? Is it really everything so good and easy, for once, or are we trapped in an illusion that will only hurt us...?

In a romantic, or an equally inspiring friendship, there is someone that you need to know about...

This is our fifth reading from the Divinatory Jukebox. A message that comes to us through the song “Hypnotic” by Zella Day. A faithful messenger of the universe, who waited patiently for us to hear it, to listen to what it has to say.

Although from the emotions and energy of this song I expected something much darker, heavier, even more dangerous... Now I understand that perhaps this is just the way we feel it, when we are so captivated by someone, when we want to be and are so vulnerable in front of them, giving out our heart but at the same time deep down being afraid of them tearing it apart.

Slow down for a moment. Give your conscious mind a moment of rest, allow it to step back. Instead, listen to your subconscious one, to that inner voice, to the intuition that is guiding you to the pile in which your message hides.

P.s. a little question for you ♡:

As I'm trying to improve the experience of the extended versions of our readings, it would be deeply helpful for me to know your opinion. Especially about what you would love to find in them. Just whatever is needed or that might be helpful for you to hear based on the reading and the original message you received? A more practical advice on how to handle your current situation? Perhaps a little glimpse into the future and what it holds for you, what you can expect or need to keep in mind for when you’ll live that outcome? Or, even better, all of these combined?

{ Thank you so much for letting me know!♡ }

– Pile One,

the ten of coins, the stars, the moon

After fighting with all you had, after finally escaping the chains of a connection so powerful that it convinced you to stab yourself, again and again, just for them… You really did hope that it would never happen again. That there won’t ever be someone that has so much control over you, over your heart that gives it all to the ones it loves. You hoped that you learned from your mistakes, that your scars are enough for you as a reminder, as help in being aware of all the lies and manipulations of those that try to come closer to your heart.

And yet you still felt it, you still found it, after all this time and even though you are with a different person now. That urge to be by their side, to fall for them, trusting completely that they will catch you, holding you tight in their arms, giving you a sense of protection, and at the same time a dangerous vulnerability when you are with them…

But even if you feel the need to do it, to feel it, you are resisting it. The fear, the anxiety, the doubts are overwhelming you, as you recognise in them and each their gesture, someone that you thought you’d never see again. Not in a different person, in a different connection, that you had so much hope for, but which is feeling too similar to how it used to back then...

So you are making steps back, trying to buy more time, to understand how it could happen that after all of that you still did make the same mistake. A mistake that you can't even bring yourself to regret, not when you look into their eyes…

How is it possible really? Are you so weak, so stupid to put yourself at risk again and again, breaking your promises to your own self? Or are they so powerful, so many steps ahead, enough to be able to put you under a cage that you didn't even notice, not giving you any chance to escape?

It is pulling you to them, whatever it is, calling you, overwhelming you through every single thing that reminds you of that other person, no matter how far they are. They are calling you, and you make steps forward. Just to push yourself right back when for a moment you are able to wake up. To doubt yourself, what you feel and think, to ask if this is even real.

But slow down for a moment. Breathe. Reflect. What is it, that in this new person, reminds you so much of the one that you swore to never let again in? Because it is just the way you feel with them, isn’t it? That sense of safety, of surrender to everything that could happen out there in this world, just because you are with them? Is it that admiration, pure inspiration and motivation that you feel when you look at them, at their way of living this life, creating with it their adventures and stories that they desire? Is it that hope for more time with them, to get to know them better, to learn from them or with them. To have them by your side as you face the struggles or challenges of your journeys, because you truly feel like they would be able and willing to help? Is it the way you feel so close to them in so little time, almost like you always knew and looked for each other, in one way or another? Is it just this… and how it is similar to what you felt with that other person, just before they took advantage of it?

Because you do love it, the way they make you feel. Those emotions that you thought you would never experience again. But at the same time, now that they are here, you can't help but reconnect them to the person that betrayed you by using them against you.

But… Are you so sure that it will be the same with them? That these emotions and way of feeling can be only a sign of a danger in disguise? Or is it only a fear, a supposition, based on what happened in the past, and that has nothing to confirm it in the now? Because you are opening up your old wounds, you are doing it on your own now. Just because of the profound vulnerability, and even scarier desire to be this way in front of them, that just surprises you in how it came back so easily, disregarding all your hard work to learn to protect yourself…

But it is not a mistake, a delusion of your heart, its way of never learning and being so easily infatuated and influenced by gentle ways… Your heart, your mind, you are not so stupid. You wouldn’t ever hurt yourself this way. But you are doing it now, in a different one. By letting what happened, and that person, still be present in your life. By letting their phantom wander around in your reality, your situations, standing behind those that you are looking at… And scaring you, putting you in guard just because of their presence and their memory at the back of your mind.

You did learn. You did become more careful with those that you allow to get closer to you, to be part of your life. You are protecting yourself, at every step. You are paying attention to the ways of others. And you are not letting anything or anyone play with you again. This, what you feel for this person now… Are just feelings, genuine, true, normal. They are not strange or worrying just because they seem to become deeper so quickly. Or just because, miraculously, they are reciprocated now.

It is good and it is true. There is no need to doubt it only because of how rare it is, and how ironically you already felt it once because of someone who treated your heart wrongly. That person was mean, manipulative, was hurtful… But does this new person have any fault of it, of the fact that they make you naturally and genuinely feel what the other needed to force and orchestrate?

Slow down. Breathe in. Look closely at them, pay attention to where they end and where that ghost of the past begins. Look at what you are creating with this new person. At how those bad and difficult things that you are afraid of and expect are nowhere to be seen. And focus on what is here, them, your moments. Rather than on the memories of someone who is long gone. The one that you already freed yourself from.

P.s. With each new year there is a decision that we need to make… what to bring with us, what to hope for, and what to leave behind. But it is not so easy, isn’t it? Some endings, no matter how obvious, are still so difficult to accept and to let go of, just because of how much they mean to us. But this year you can simply ask about it, if there is a chance for a new beginning or if there is only an end, so you can stop yourself from making the same dangerous mistakes.♡↓

{ Find out your answer here ~ }

{ ♡ }

– Pile Two,

the knight of cups, the emperor, the eight of wands

You give them so much credit… You think they really have all that power over you. Just because of how strange and new all these feelings are. How scarily natural, how overwhelmingly good it is to be by their side and connect with them, heart to heart.

But it is much simpler than just careful and complicated games of manipulation or disguise that your anxious mind comes up with.

It is just you. It is just them. The way you are so similar, yet different enough to teach each other so much. The way you speak different languages, but with such similar tone and rhythm that makes it possible for you to understand each other fully, even more than those that knew you for so long. The way there is in each of you that something that is needed for the other. That light and darkness. That calm and enthusiasm. That logic and emotions. The water and fire. The air and earth. Two half that fit so perfectly, creating something beautiful, something true, something whole.

It is just you both that felt instantly so comfortable, so safe, so curious about a life passed side by side, all the moments that you could create together, and those that perhaps you could've shared if you met sooner, changing completely your past. It is that genuine enthusiasm and joy that makes you go faster, connecting easier than with anyone else. Allowing you to create a bond deeper than what you could expect.

There is no trick, no spell, no hidden motive. Just a finally good and honest connection that your broken hearts needed so much.

There is just surprise and unpreparedness to feel so much and so fast. Especially when you are used to struggle just to get truly closer to someone who is already by your side.

There is no need to be afraid, to already prepare yourself for the worst just because this is too good to be true, to be so easy and fun. There is no need to consider to run away, to distance them, just because of the doubt in your mind… You can just slow down. On your own. Ask them to do things one step at a time. So you can get used to it more easily, to be treated better, to trust fully the promises that someone gives to your heart.

There won't be any anger or misunderstanding. There won’t be any judgement in discovering that you are just not used to so much lightness in your heart and mind. It will only make you more precious for them, more deserving of their affection and parts of them that they will share only with you, who they will fully believe and trust.

P.s. With each new year there is a decision that we need to make… what to bring with us, what to hope for, and what to leave behind. But it is not so easy, isn’t it? Some endings, no matter how obvious, are still so difficult to accept and to let go of, just because of how much they mean to us. But this year you can simply ask about it, if there is a chance for a new beginning or if there is only an end, so you can stop yourself from making the same dangerous mistakes.♡↓

{ Find out your answer here ~ }

{ ♡ }

– Pile Three,

the three of coins, the emperor, the page of swords

Is it really only them, who pulls you in so tenderly? Who so knowingly walks around your walls and finds every fragile part, using them to get closer? Or are you doing exactly the same, playing their games, imitating their ways, simply because it is so captivating and fun?

You have so many things in common. Even just the way you love and need to feel that rush, to feel the excitement and the thrill of getting to know each other, of provoking one another, subtly, jokingly. Never saying something openly, but understanding so much, reading through the lines.

But things are starting to change, to feel different, now that some time has passed and playing the same games as when you first met… It just feels kind of strange, and even tiring at times. This is not something that only you noticed and felt, that shift and the energy of both of you that just seems to be consumed uselessly with all of this. How the time seems to be wasted, and you both can’t help but think of how different those moments could've been if only you were finally fully open to each other. With your thoughts expressed clearly. Parts of you and of your life shared without needing to necessarily win them, be worthy of them…

And it is okay, this feeling and change is normal. There is nothing strange in being attracted to a different energy and dynamic at the start of a connection, compared to when some time has passed and you just want to be by their side, experiencing this life together, and not only playing with each other occasionally.

So don’t let those doubts and fears, that you or them will get bored if you stop to “spicing” things up, come any closer. Nothing will happen if, for a moment, you just relax and become less calculated in the ways you interact. Simply because this connection didn't start because of those games, of those flirtatious or joking ways. It started because your paths crossed each other, thanks to this life that saw how much your souls were aligned. It started because it was supposed to. And it would've happened even if you didn't do so much to win each other over, convincing the other person to choose you, to give you that chance.

It will not go away. Nor them nor you will do it, if something in your dynamic changes. Because change is not something to be afraid of. It is just a sign of your growth and evolution of this connection, of your feelings for eachother that make you a safe and comfortable person for one another, no matter the label of the relationship or your ways.

Don’t be afraid to let your grip on them go a little. Don’t be afraid to not always maintain the same entertaining energy. You don’t need to convince them, appeal to them, or prove yourself and your worth to them. They already are aware of all of it, they already chose to stay by your side, nourishing this bond, exactly like you did. It is not the start of the connection anymore. So you both are allowed to go a little slower, be more neutral or even boring. Some moments are indeed supposed to be more calmer and less adventurous than how it was at the very start. It is still fine. Everything is still okay. And it will continue to be so, no matter how many months or years will pass by. A time in which this connection will simply and only evolve and adapt to the phases of your lives many more times.

P.s. With each new year there is a decision that we need to make… what to bring with us, what to hope for, and what to leave behind. But it is not so easy, isn’t it? Some endings, no matter how obvious, are still so difficult to accept and to let go of, just because of how much they mean to us. But this year you can simply ask about it, if there is a chance for a new beginning or if there is only an end, so you can stop yourself from making the same dangerous mistakes.♡↓

{ Find out your answer here ♡ }

{ ♡ }

[thatfrailsoul]

– If we just wanna be free

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

So much patience and faith… So much love and intention poured into a connection, into a person… After all of this… How can you truly accept that this is it? That this pain, these trembling hands and tears down your cheeks, is all that there ever will be? How can you convince your heart that it is time to cut the bond that it is still holding onto, and to which the mind is already preparing to say goodby?

Slow down for a moment. Give your conscious mind a moment of rest, allow it to step back. Instead, listen to your subconscious one, to that inner voice, to the intuition that is guiding you to the pile in which your message hides.

A message about that one connection that you are fighting for, not allowing it to die. A message about the hurt that you are trying to ignore, all for that one person that is so dear to your heart, even when their ways are consuming you so much. No matter if it is someone from the present or from the past, a bond of romantic love, affection or simply care for someone by your side… There is a message that this world, this universe, is trying to give you through the fourth song from our Divinatory Jukebox. A song about “Part Time Lovers”, by Hazlett.

– Pile One,

the two of swords, the empress, the page of swords

Someone that you just can't bring yourself to let go of, to ignore…. No matter how many doubts, how many thoughts are overwhelming your mind… Not when they are looking at you with those eyes. Not when you know what's hidden in them.

For others it is so easy to blame them… To see all the negative and bad things about them, about this connection, about your bond. It is so easy for them because they are not in this. They are not here, by their side, seeing, knowing, all that they are going through. They are not the ones that share their pain and struggle, as they truly are trying to be better, to little by little become someone new, different from the person that used to hurt so much others and you. It is easier for others to judge, to be objective, to give their advice knowing deep down that they will never look them in the eyes as they break their heart, walking away and leaving them behind… And it is much more difficult for you to even think about doing it, after all that you already got through, for them, for this connection, for you.

It is impossible to ignore it, all the things that you know about them, all the times that they tried to do their best, all the care and affection that they still gave you, no matter how painful all their other actions were. It is impossible for you to do it, for the way you are. Full of hope and faith in this person and your connection. Full of desire to fight for it that you still have, even after all these troubles and time. Knowing so well how much it would've meant for you to receive the same patience and understanding, and not only all the judgment and hate you always received in your hardest times instead.

But exactly for this same reason, for your gentleness, your warmth, your light, you can’t ignore how they are making you feel either. The real them, and not the one that you idealise so much as you daydream about a safer connection, a calmer feeling in your chest, a more relaxed body that doesn't need to be constantly ready to survive when you are with them. You can't ignore it. No matter how much you can focus on the little positive moments that you've shared so far. But you are trying so hard to do it, just to give them a little more time, another chance to prove all of them wrong, demonstrating that it wasn't only you, all this love that you thought you felt and saw…

And where is the line anyway? Where should the affection of someone meet the one of the another person in a bond? How much should each soul give to the other in the name of what they feel, what their heart holds inside of it? Is there really any rule, any guidance, any tradition on how a connection should work? Because you never saw it. Not in your relationships, not in the ones of people that you learned from. You only saw genuine and raw emotions, feelings. Genuine readiness, desire and even impulsiveness at times, to give your all to the other person if this is what they are needing now, even if you might not receive it right away in return…

You always saw the demonstration of love, affection, care and how to give it. You never heard anyone demanding it, pretending it, even if they really did deserve it. You grew up with modest, sacrificing souls, and you became one of them. One that has so much fear in accepting the reality that someone is hurting you, consuming you. Because no matter if they are doing it intentionally or not, you might not be ready to fight for yourself, to demand something more. And in case it is not given to you, openly denied, perhaps accompanied with mean words that you never would expect to hear after all that you've done… you might not be ready and courageous enough to withstand the pressure of a connection, of a story to which you gave so much, collapsing on your heart.

Because no matter how things are now, how they feel, it will never change the fact that you still know them, this person. You still hold so many moments in your memories that will eternally connect you, no matter how distant, emotionally or physically, you will be. They will still hold the truth, what your eyes saw behind their wrong actions, what your mind understood in their confused words. The things that others never will understand, simply because it never was their person, their connection, or their love. You know them, you met their soul, and nothing will change it. Not the opinions of others, not the end of this bond… They will still remain the person that you fell in love with, romantically or not, and learned to feel yours. Even if their actions now don't align with who you know them to be at all. Even if, little by little, you are starting to need to force yourself to continue to fight for them, to remain here, and to endure it all while all you feel you need to do is to let them go.

You are not holding onto them still because there really is some reason, something that will make it worth it, to go through it again and again, every time something shifts in their world... And your heart is not letting them go just because of a delusion that is hiding your own intuition, your inner voice… You are doing it just because you are afraid. And rather than letting them go being so inevitably difficult or impossible for your heart… it is just what it will mean, that is so painful and scary, enough to make you tremble and stop right before cutting this bond.

You just don't want it to be in vain, all that time, all that perseverance, all the things that you did, all those steps that you managed to make them do towards you, towards understanding and treating better those by their side and themselves… And you don't want it to be like all the others said, something manipulative, something cruel or wrong. Because deep down you know that it is not their fault to hold, but rather they are just a victim of their own life, of their own struggles. That are just too much to be controlled, those emotions that constantly explode in them at each moment, at each problem, at each situation that they are too tired of going through. Making them unable to protect themselves and those that are trying to reach them and help them, pulling them out of that storm.

But can you really do it? Is it really right? To remain here with their struggles, with the things that they intentionally or not, but still do, just because you know that the reason behind them might be something more than a simple desire to hurt you? Is it really right to fight for this connection, to push yourself through the battles of someone else, just to protect them from themselves and others that hurt you so much, when they are not able to understand the truth about them and their ways that you always saw and knew? Is it really right to ask so much from yourself, in the name of others, as you are starting to lose and forget yourself in the pain and stress of the life of someone else? Because if these are really the reasons, the motives behind you not making that step… then it doesn't matter how much you worry, feel guilty, hurt or afraid. The opinions of others are not yours to change. And this person, even though you can feel and see how different they are deep down, underneath these arguments, these harsh words and impulsive actions, is not yours to reveal and protect. Their actions are not yours to excuse. Their fights are not yours to endure. And this bond, this love, is not only yours to keep alive. Not if it costs you so much, if it consumes you so much.

They will come out of it, even without you by their side. And perhaps exactly because of you leaving, they will find themselves finally understanding the importance of the weight with which they were leaning onto others in order to stand up.

And this connection, all that you felt and lived, will never be in vain, it will never be wrong. Your actions, your dedication, never will be not enough. Every little moment, every shared laugh, every tender hug, they are all worth it. Even if there won't be anymore of them, even if they will remain only in your hearts.

There are a lot of reasons behind a bond that is not being able to survive… But not always it is necessarily the fault of one or another. Sometimes it is just life. Sometimes it is just what is the best for your hearts.

But if the idea of doing that one step away is still too scary, too difficult to do under the weight of not only what was, but also of what will happen if you do it… If you just feel the need to hear a few more words, just to be sure… you can take a look at the extended version of this reading, at a little message that this world has for you right now.♡↓

{ a little message for you }

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– Pile Two,

the two of swords, the eight of swords, the world

A step that is too difficult to take. Too difficult to make when it means to leave behind all that you worked on so much. A door that is too difficult to close, even if it is to protect yourself and your heart.

No one ever really taught you how to do it. How to connect with others. How to create a healthy and right bond. How to nurture and protect it at all costs… You were forced to learn it on your own. All that pain that you saw in those tired eyes in your reflection. All the times you saw others unexpectedly crumble down, revealing the wounds that they tried to hide so hard. All the things that you needed to endure because of others and their ways. And all the people dear to you that were destroyed, heartbroken, by the closest ones to them… It all forced you, pushed you, to learn. Just to not feel and not see it anymore.

So the worst things were transformed through you in something better, in something more gentle and tender. The mistakes of others became your lessons and teachings. Their harsh words, your reflection and inner introspection. Their cold and harmful actions that they kept explaining with their logic… your ability to understand others more, thanks to the whispers of your heart that you now were choosing to listen, instead of your mind.

Every situation, every person, every word or action, it all helped you to become who you are now. A person that is gentle, thoughtful, loyal, faithful to those that you love, despite everything that might challenge you and the way you are. All thanks to your incredible bond to your own heart. That deep connection to love that resides within you, the nourishment that you give to it, and the guidance that it offers you back.

A person that got through so much just to be able to be this way, to be guided by your heart, to follow it with confidence, no matter how often others considered you too soft… A person that, without realising, started to fear and despise its own mind, its own thoughts, conclusions, and suggestions. To the point of refusing its guidance even when, for once, it is not coming from overthinking or delusion, but only from that part of you that is seeing more. More than your heart is feeling now.

Because the truth is that you already have all the reasons, all the motives, that are more than enough to be this the right choice. To confirm that doing this step away, to cut this bond, is indeed what will make this pain stop. But you are trying so hard to ignore them. To find other explanations, other ways of looking at this situation… Just because you don't want to become one of those that hurt others. And worst of all, admit that exactly as your mind, there are times in which your heart can be wrong too, guiding you in the arms of those that can’t or won’t treat you right.

But when it comes to you, to your inner world, to the way you go through things… it simply can’t be just black or white. It can’t be your mind or your heart. It doesn't and can't work like that. Not when you are trying to follow only one, making a decision by deliberately ignoring a part of you that has something to say, to suggest, to show you. And that can possibly be vital for the moment you’ll need to choose. You can't possibly expect to be able to navigate this complex and such mutable world by only using one half of your soul, of what makes you - you, of what contains all your experience and knowledge and thus can really help you… just because they come from different parts of you.

By choosing so radically where your decisions are coming from, your mind or your heart, you are only hiding a part of what is happening from yourself. You are keeping yourself blind to the full reality and truth of things, people and situations around you. Putting yourself in danger, forcing yourself to stay in places that are not right for you, exactly like now.

Listen to yourself more. And not just your feelings, your desires, the things that you hold in your heart. Trust also your observations, your judgment, your knowledge that some things that you are enduring, for or because of others, are just not right. Listen and trust yourself, fully. Because there is a reason why your heart is holding onto them so dearly, yes. But there is also a reason why you are noticing more and more details, why your mind is becoming louder and your thoughts heavier as you try to ignore them just for the sake of your heart. A heart that is still being used and hurt, even when you follow it, even right now.

It is not only black and white. Each part of you is an explosion of colours, of reasons behind why you are feeling something or there is a thought so persistent in your mind. Reasons that you shouldn't just choose from, and stick to them even as you are bleeding your heart out or losing your mind. But they are rather the ones that you should consider, connect them, and decide based on the whole picture that you are for so long refusing to see, closing your eyes.

It is okay if for once you don't come from love, from gentleness, from your heart. It is okay if you don't stick with something, push yourself through it, even if your heart is not used to the ways that are more harsh. It is okay. Simply because the one that is hurting you, consuming you, is not doing it from the heart either. I assure you that all this pain and struggle is not coming from love.

So don't try to fight it with it. Don't try to fight at all if you don't want to, if the fear of hurting too much and becoming someone you don't want is too strong. But don't make compromises on how much you protect yourself, that same heart that you are now letting so vulnerable, wide open and ready to be stubbed by them just because of your love.

And if you need more reassurance, more reasons to do it, to finally open your eyes after ignoring for so long what your mind was trying to show you… If you just feel the need to hear a few more words, just to be sure… You can take a look at the extended version of this reading, at a little message that this world has for you right now.♡↓

{ a little message for you }

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– Pile Three,

the tower, the king of coins, the three of swords

Like the flowers that were cut… No matter how beautiful, no matter how cherished and nourished, no matter how much loved… This is a bond that was impossible to save longer, even with all your attention and love.

You had so much faith in this moment… In this confrontation that it took you so long to prepare for. You had so much anticipation, after all the thoughts and feelings that overwhelmed you as you tried to find the courage and the right words. As you worked hard on understanding fully what was going on within you first, so you could explain it to them…

You really did believe that if only you found the right way to do it, they would listen this time. That they will for once pay attention without rushing to defend themselves at your expense. But it didn't work, didn't it? It went exactly like the last time, and the one before that…

Perhaps even worse, considering the tiredness and numbness that now you feel. Not even a bit of sadness or hurt, not a little anger… It is just all silent, after you finally poured your heart out. Even if it wasn't understood, what you meant, what you wanted to achieve by trying to speak with them…

Perhaps it is because one part of you, somewhere deep down, wasn't really buying all this faith in the fact that it would work this time. Perhaps it is because you got so used to not being heard, since they started to walk by your side. Perhaps it is because, before finding your voice, you were silenced so many times, letting it all store and rot in you, until it just poisoned you from inside out. Perhaps it has nothing to do with all of this… But either way it doesn’t change the fact that now, as everything is collapsing all around you, as they so angrily and chaotically start to crush it all down, your hands are still, your lips are sealed, your eyes don't even want to look up. After all the time that saving this connection was the center of your life, of your every thought through the sleepless nights… You now don’t have the strength nor the desire to catch the pieces, the memories, that they are tearing apart.

But even if you are starting to think that it was all a delusion, that there was nothing honest in you, otherwise you wouldn't feel now so detached… It is not true. In fact, perhaps you felt, you loved, you cared, too much. Much more than they are doing now, so easily deciding to end it, to leave it all behind just because for once you said something about how you felt, about how it hurt you, their ways to treat your heart.

You are just tired. Consumed. In a certain sense, you already overcame it all in your mind that spent so much time thinking and stressing about what was going on in this connection, in this situation that was becoming so heavy with each day that passed. You are not heartless, you are not a liar or selfish… You are just a human that endured too much. And that after finding the courage to open up, to be so vulnerable and honest, was just ignored and hurt.

It is not like you don't care about losing them… You simply already lost them. You lost the person that you fell in love with already a long time ago, when they transformed so much, into someone who is just a stranger to your heart. You do have feelings, you do feel pain, you do feel fear and regret. Is just that they are strong enough to erase themselves, especially after all the time that you felt them, that you carried them inside your chest.

It is okay. What is happening now. It is okay even if they made you be the villain of this story. Even if they didn't understand in the slightest what you wanted and meant. Because probably they did understand, and just don't want to accept it, to make it more evident and real, that they are the ones that destroyed this connection, one little step at a time. Not you, who only wanted to talk about it, who until the very end always had the intention to resolve it, if only they didn't rush so much, silencing you right away.

Let them be. Let them go. You did everything you could, you were good, you did your best and you sacrificed enough. Just know that… the fault is not yours just because you caused this end. The fault is of the one that didn't even try to work on what was left.

But if it still feels so uneasy, so strange what happened and how the things went… If you still feel the guilt and doubts creeping on you for how you handled this… If you just feel the need to hear a few more words, just to be sure… You can take a look at the extended version of this reading, at a little message that this world has for you right now.♡↓

{ a little message for you }

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