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talesofafangirlwithadvr · 3 years

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Jan/Feb 2021 Picks

HELLO! It’s been a while, but I’M BACK!! Life has gotten a lot busier as I started Grad School this January. So, I feel it may be tough being on time with future Monthly Wraps like I’ve done in the past with working on my MFA, and my job. I’m going to probably do more seasonal wrap ups when I get the time. I also think I’ll be posting more individual posts as I watch an episode. Because even with a busier schedule, there is always time for TV and there’s so much I want to talk about!

You know the drill. Spoilers are coming.....

You’ve been warned :)

WANDAVISION

I want to start off by mentioning that I have not watched this week’s episode yet. So the last one I saw was EPISODE 6 with Halloween in the late 90s/early 2000s.

THIS SHOW! OMG.

I didn’t know what I was signing up for when I watched the first episode and I have been blown away. It is such a cool concept and I love the fact that everyone who watches it is confused. There have been so many interesting theories out there and I am so curious what is going to wind up being true. I love all the nods to old sitcoms and TV shows as well as all the MCU Easter Eggs. (I mean they got X-men’s Quicksilver-like WOW.) It feels really Black Mirror at times with the breaking of the fourth wall. I will never be able to shake the feeling I got in Episode 3, when Vision reversed. (And then I saw a bunch of videos with him looking at the camera as Wanda looks at the TV. Eww I don’t like it, but it’s such a good move on their point.) I love the outside plot as well and the characters who were previously side characters in other MARVEL movies. The love for Jimmy Woo is astounding and I’m here for it. I’m glad it’s Friday, so I can watch the next episode. I’m just upset that we’re so close to the show ending. The next Disney Plus Marvel shows better be just as good. Wandavision set the bar high.

NANCY DREW

If you’ve visited this page recently, you know I have a very strong love for this show. It is the only one I am still watching religiously on the CW and I am tuning in the night it airs. (That is HUGE for me.) IT IS JUST SO GOOD AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START....

2x05 just aired, which would have been the season 1 finale before COVID and I have it saved on my DVR to watch again. There’s just so much I want to relive and catch that I missed the first watch through. It would have been SUCH A GOOD FINALE, but I’m happy that we can continue with new episodes starting next week. And with the way it ended...there’s so much I need to know!! I’m just curious how fast they’re going to develop certain plots. I love the Drew Crew and how they are a family. Each character is so well developed and their chemistry is great. I love learning more about each of them and watching them develop. My favorite character is definitely Ace. I love all his witty lines and how he is opening up more to the group as well as to us, the audience, as we get more of a look into his personal life. I enjoy all of his scenes with his dad and specifically liked when they were celebrating Shabbat. (I am also here for the Nancy and Ace content. I gush more about this on my other blog: lydia-whogowith-stiles. Check it out if you want to hear more.)

THE WATCH

When I watched the Christmas special (or was it New Years? and why does that feel so long ago) of Doctor Who, BBC America kept advertising a new show called the Watch. Due to the extensive amount of commercials, I decided to tape the first two episodes (which premiered back to back) to see what it was all about. I was unaware that this series is based on the book series created by Terry Pratchett. When I came to see if people were talking about it on Tumblr, I saw that a lot of people didn’t like it because of how drastically different it was. As I was unfamiliar with the original, I can’t compare. The TV show was eight episodes and I just watched the last one that aired this past Sunday. I definitely liked the first half of the season more (I noticed my mind start to drift as I watched later ones), but thought the finale was good. I really enjoyed how they incorporated the theme song. I didn’t realize the connection earlier and now can’t stop humming it. (I don’t know if there will be another season or not.) I enjoyed the characters and how it was like nothing I’ve seen on TV before. It got me thinking a lot about blending genres. I would still recommend checking it out.

ZOEY’S EXTRORDINARY PLAYLIST

I was VERY excited for this show to come back. I loved the first season so much. It’s just such a heartfelt show and it helped me survive the early parts of quarantine. So far, this season I am noticing how detailed the musical performances are. Mandy Moore is doing an AMAZING job. The choreography is *chefs kiss* I also feel like the song choices have been great and not always the ones I think that would be picked. We are getting to learn more about each character and watch Zoey and her family as they continue life after losing Mitch. I am here for Mo and Max’s restaurant. I think the concept would be so cool in real life. Who knows maybe we’ll see one now. (Max’s rendition of ‘Numb’ was amazing. I’ve never heard the song like that and I think it might be one of my favorites of the season so far.) I hope Max and Zoey get back together by the end of the season. It did feel fast, so I do understand why they had to break up, but it still makes me sad that we watched them get together and then it was taken away from us. The last episode before the break was so powerful and I think the show did an amazing job applying real world issues into their plot. It did not feel forced at all and brought so much awareness. Upset we have to wait so long for a new episode.

SECRETS OF SULPHUR SPRINGS

Are you looking for a good mystery, but don’t think Disney Channel can provide it? Think again. I have to say, when I started watching I was not expecting this show to be a part of my monthly picks. It pleasantly surprised me. The show involves the mystery of a young girl, Savannah, who went mysteriously missing at camp back in the 90s. Apparently, her ghost still haunts the hotel that was on the camp grounds to this day. Then Griffin and his family buy the hotel with intent of fixing it up and reopening it after all these years. The people in the town think they’re crazy because of its past. But there’s something more going on with Griffin’s dad as well as some of the other adults in the town. They know something about Savannah’s disappearance, but aren’t saying anything about it. While this is a kid’s show (and only half hour episodes) it has been interesting to see where the story will go. I’m sure I am imagining much more intense things for her disappearance than what actually happened. It’s also not super cheesy or have bad acting, which is refreshing. (I really feel Disney Channel has gone down.) Either way, I don’t know how many episodes are left to air, but I think we’re pretty close to the end. If you’re looking for a quick, entertaining mystery I would highly recommend.

MISS SCARLET AND THE DUKE

And here come my period pieces (ironically both from Masterpiece/PBS this time). I know last year I felt like I watched a lot of historical watches at the beginning of the year. We’ll see if that continues to happen this year too. It does serve as a nice escape. Plus, these are some really good stories.

Miss Scarlet and the Duke is a part of Masterpiece Mystery on PBS, although it aired on a different network in the UK. It is (another) mystery series (shocking I know with that title!) It follows Eliza Scarlet who has a nose for mystery, but as a woman living in the Victorian era does not have any rights except for being a wife and mother (two things she would rather not be). When her father dies (apparently from a heart attack...emphasis on apparently), she takes over his Private Investigator business. Much to the dismay of long time family friend William “The Duke” who is a Detective Inspector for Scotland Yard. Eliza is often in his office as she gets arrested for being places she shouldn’t or trying to get information out of him. This element of Eliza having to work in a very male dominated Victorian society is one that I feel I haven’t really seen on a TV show. I really like her dynamic with William. There’s always that feeling of “will they won’t they,” but I don’t feel the show just focuses on that. The mystery is the heart of it all. This last week’s episode was REALLY GOOD. As we got to find out more regarding her father’s death. I hear a lot of people want a season 2 and I am right there with them. This show deserves it.

ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL

Another PBS Masterpiece watch. I love this show, so much more than I was anticipating. It is so heartfelt and makes me so happy and in a good mood after watching it. It follows James Herriot who has recently graduated from veterinary school, but is struggling finding a job. Then he gets a call from Siegfried Farnon’s veterinary practice in Yorkshire. Siegfried is known for having a harsh demeanor and temper, so the assistants he hires don’t often last long. Spoiler alert, that should be pretty obvious, James does. The cast of characters are so lovely and I like all their relationships with one another. The show takes places in the 1930s and I realized I don’t often watch things in this era, so that has been fun to explore. The sets and locations are BEAUTIFUL. In the episodes, we often get these amazing shots that sweep over the exterior and I want to travel to Yorkshire like tomorrow. (See more escapism, it’s great.) The main plot follows everyone interact in the town and watching James become a more confident and experienced veterinarian (which I decided I could never do after watching). I heard that it has been renewed for a second season so that is so fantastic.

FATE: THE WINX SAGA

The first things I heard about this show was how disappointed everyone was in how they decided to adapt the Winx Club show from their childhood. On this I can agree, but I decided to watch the show anyway. I pretended that it was something new entirely and I have to say I enjoyed it. Of course, there were parts that bothered me and then I had to remember it was a teen show, so angst would be annoying. I think overall it was too short (and should have at least 8 or 10 episodes), but I’m happy that they were able to conclude the main plot well. (Although we did get that cliffhanger, but it is exciting that it was released the show just got renewed for a second season the other day.) I really liked Silva-mainly because it was great seeing Thomas from Downton Abbey in something else. I also enjoyed seeing Jacob Duchman in more things. It was a surprise to see him in Medici and I am just happy he is adding more to his IMDB.

Quick and addicting watch. Add it to your queue. Just forget it’s supposed to be based on something else.

BLOWN AWAY SEASON 2

Continuing with the Netflix picks, one of my FAVORITE picks from 2020 got a season 2 and it is already on Netflix! That’s right Blown Away season 2 is now available. I seriously loved the first season of this show SO MUCH! Glass blowing is such a magical process and I am mesmerized every time I watch it. It felt weird starting this show with all new contestants, but then Alex came back as a guest judge and I was so happy. It is just as addicting and I cannot wait to see who wins this season. I am just trying not to rush the episodes.

VIOLETTA SEASON 3 UPDATE

I know you were all dying to know...

After taking a hiatus from watching during the holidays, I have gotten back into watching the Disney Channel telenovela on Disney Plus. I am now on episode 68. Things are really starting to happen and I am finding myself getting sucked in again, which makes me happy. Episode 60 (pictured above) had A LOT happen and really was a turning point for the second half of the show. Can’t wait to keep watching. Some really awesome songs from these last set of episodes.

AND NOW FOR MY NOT LOVING IT PICK:

LEGACIES

This third season has really disappointed me so far. As I’ve previously discussed on this page, it feels like they are just reusing previous plots from the last two seasons when there is so much more they can do. There was so much promise for this show and I loved the Vampire Diaries and Originals so much, that it’s sad to see Legacies miss the mark. I wish they gave Hope more storylines that didn’t revolve around Landon. She is such a strong character and is SO POWERFUL. This is something we rarely see and it shouldn’t only be shown to save a guy (multiple times). Their couple plot is continually doing the same thing. I want to see a lot more development with this show over this season to keep me watching. I am actually happy that there isn’t a new episode until March 11th. (That’s saying something...)

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elkian · 3 years

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I was gonna do a “missing the point”-style meme but I’m honestly not sure that would even work tho so:

Harry Potter and My Hero Academia/Boku no Hero Academia have similar issues with introducing and then immediately ignoring ENORMOUS issues re: ableism.

I think these two series in specific come to mind bc it’s ableism within a specific empowered community, and in both cases the series are pretty well-known and the community (Wix/Heroes) are immediately identifiable to many audiences.

[WARNING: Discussions of ableism, child harm, and abuse on multiple levels.]

What’s the problem?

SQUIBS.

[This post got stupid huge SO here is a tl,dr for all you lovely people who understandably have no time for this.

TL, DR: Both Harry Potter and Boku No Hero have a bad tendency to implement or imply a level of disability regarding unempowered people in empowered societies. They then continue on to completely disregard important conclusions to these implications, such as how heavily it is implied that these unempowered people (Squibs) are so ‘worthless’ to those societies that their very deaths are merely a byline rather than an actual tragedy.

This is especially troubling in MHA/BNHA when so many other political and worldbuilding considerations HAVE been planned out, and seems to be less-discussed in the fandom as a whole, so that’s a much larger chunk of this post.]

That’s your tl, dr!

Here’s the Harry Potter angle:

HP has a bit that I’ve seen people discussing already: Neville’s magic was discovered when his uncle dropped a literal child a potenial lethal distance.

Neville activating his power and surviving is celebrated, and then JKR immediately glosses over the glaring issue this has introduced: the heavy implication that a Squib dying from this incident would have not have been mourned or even really commented on.

The few adult Squibs (and isn’t that a whole new slice of wonderful /j) are generally disliked and ridiculed for some reason or other. Now, while obviously there are plenty of places where the Venn diagram of “disabled” and “asshole” intersect irl, when your ONLY presentation of a disabled character or group is, every time, an asshole or a fool or both, boy! That’s bad!

Neville (who is generally presented as magically, physically, and mentally weak and often treated as comic relief) is a bit better via the POV Character constantly having positive interactions with him, but this is still a mess. Yes, Neville canonically is not a Squib, but it’s not subtle that he’s on the cusp OF being a Squib, and that is a key element of ridiculing him in many situations (also the whole trauma thing multiple times, like if I really get into it I could do a whole double-size post of how Neville was done dirty or nearly dirty by JK all the time but this isn’t that post).

This isn’t even the point of this post. Let’s move to MHA/BNHA

Hero Academia has differing but honestly even worse issues. And I’m aware that different countries handle ableism and accessibility in different ways, but if you think too hard about it this is an absolute clusterfuck.

What is the problem now?

Squibs! Or rather, the main character of the series, Midoriya Izuku.

Deku (a nickname meaning “useless”! Imparted after his disability is recognized! hilarity!!) is also born without powers. Even worse in some ways, he is born without powers in a world where the overwhelming majority of the global population has some kind of empowerment. I can’t recall if it’s outright stated or only implied that someone with a functionally useless (and hoo boy, usefullness to society is its own post nope not today i do not have that much energy) Quirk is still more of a person than a Quirkless human.

That sink in? Okay, let’s move on.

In a narratively not-uncommon turn of events, Deku gains power. This is partially a product of, and directly tied to, his own work and determination, as well as his willingness to help even when physically outmatched.

To an American audience (NOT the intended audience though I wouldn’t doubt it if Horikoshi meant to have international appeal more or less from the start), this is a deeply satisfying narrative. Who doesn’t love an underdog story? And we even learn that the strongest hero of all time (til this point, anyways) was ALSO born Quirkless!

However, from here, things take a nosedive.

The key problem is a combination of story progression and overall thought put into worldbuilding. Horikoshi’s efforts may not be the MOST thorough, but he has put a great deal of work and thought into his creation (he at least understands the concept of implications and sometimes plans accordingly, looking at you JKR). However, that tied with story progression and personal repercussions actually works to the detriment of the matter.

Especially given recent turns of events.

[BIG MEGA SPOILERS FOR FAIRLY RECENT PLOT

STOP HERE IF YOU’RE NOT CAUGHT UP

SERIOUSLY]

What I mean by this is the current state of events re: two particular recent/recent-ish plot arcs.

First, Quirk Removal, and second, Endeavor’s comeuppance.

Quirk Removal/Loss was the start of my realization to what the narrative was doing regarding Izuku’s Quirklessness and the state of being overall.

This arc was a perfect time to bring up Midoriya’s past! A lot of Western works certainly would have done so! And yes, it may be bordering on done-to-death, but many elements of Hero Academia put new twists on common themes and cliches; it wasn’t unreasonable to hope that he might do it again.

Instead, little to NOTHING is discussed during this time! In fact, iirc I’d go so far as to say Midoriya straight-up never considers his past at any point during this arc!? If I’m wrong then it obviously made little impact.

NOW, not every disabled character needs to incorporate their disability and/or skills gleaned from living with it in every narrative. In fact, it would get tedious and questionable if they did (note: this does NOT mean ignoring/forgetting the character is even disabled when convenient. Like, I’d like to think that’s the obvious point of this post but... *gestures at tumblr*).

But the complete lack of it here feels really weird. Like, almost hollow. I think Midoriya makes some kind of suggestion to Mirio of his former Quirklessness at the end of the arc, but nothing that made any kind of impact.

Let’s move on.

Endeavor.

Now, the problem with Endeavor’s arc is not the arc itself. Or, rather, it’s the fact that Endeavor’s Comeuppance is pretty good.

This is a problem because someone else should be getting this exact same arc, yet the issue is never even RECOGNIZED, let alone addressed.

Endeavor’s abuse of his wife and children, all in the name of creating a Heroic legacy, is publicized and tanks his popularity. The general public is now aware of what he’s done to the people closest to him, which aside from giving him a more correct reputation, means they can’t trust him to protect them if they can’t trust him to protect his own family.

This isn’t the goal of this post and I’m no expert regardless, but up to this point (around chapter 290) this was handled in an interesting way. Endeavor is humanized and often shown interacting with people in a way that, while often domineering, isn’t always aggressive or abusive. He runs a Hero Agency for crying out loud! But abuse in the real world often isn’t constant, nor happening to everyone in contact with the abuser. So this is a surprisingly good lead up to the reveal, where you can understand how most people never realized this was an issue.

But here’s my main point. Let’s examine some traits and actions that come up:

physically abusive to a child (often dangerously so) to the point of permanent trauma and severe scarring in some cases

target of abuse was weaker (physically and/or regarding Quirk power)

often abused victim emotionally/psychologically, bringing this weakness up again and again

own immense power led to rising in the world of Heroics

comrades, fellow Heroes, UA teachers etc. not aware of prior abuse issues

Who does this sound like?

Endeavor, who has a whole fucking arc dedicated to this reveal and repercussions?

Or Bakugou?

Reminder: This isn’t a hate post. This isn’t a character post, or even an abuse post. This is about ableism.

Bakugou exhibits many, many traits and actions that Endeavor was literally just punished for. So why does the treatment of these characters in-universe differ so drastically?

Two primary reasons I can think of, which feed into each other:

1) Bakugou was a child (still technically is a minor, remember! Still a first-year high schooler!) when this started. This doesn’t mean he’s strictly innocent, but it’s an important point, because it leads us to

2) Bakugou Katsuki’s abuse of Midoriya Izuku is socially accepted.

Reminder of the audience’s first encounter with Katsuki. The very first page with him is him and his grade-school posse picking on a kid that Izuku is trying to protect. His posse is showing off their Quirk powers and mocking Izuku’s lack thereof.

Then we flash forward to late-middle school versions of the kids. Bakugou, in front of a fucking teacher and entire class, is verbally, physically, etc. abusive to Izuku. He trashes his stuff, threatens him, tells him to kill himself (which, as Izuku notes later, is a fucking felony in Japan too).

No one stops him.

No one criticizes him.

We don’t even get a shot of like, some more ‘regular’ students being like “man Bakugou’s kinda fucked up but we’re too scared to do anything about it” NO. NO. Everyone more or less either backs Katsuki up or straight up doesn’t care.

Remember that this started when Katsuki and Izuku were four. Remember that Katsuki’s power is absurdly dangerous, ie. LITERAL. GODDAMN. EXPLOSIONS.

Izuku has scars. He probably has hearing loss! He may have gotten at least one concussion which can cause serious neurological issues and open him up to further risk!

He could have died.

And?

NO ONE. DOES. ANYTHING.

THIS is the point of the post. THIS is the value placed on Quirkless people in this society.

And yet. Despite Endeavor’s comeuppance. Despite All Might and Izuku’s blatant ‘value’ to society through Heroics. Despite so many other political implications and quandaries address in the Hero Academia series.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing about this is addressed. The nearly-lethal ableism towards Quirkless people in this society is never ONCE brought up properly once Izuku receives One For All.

There is so much potential here! There is so much worth talking about! And yet we’ve moved into what feels very much like the Final Battle without it being addessed, despite numerous, numerous opportunities for a meaningful conversation about it along the way.

Mirio losing his power! Hell, Mirio’s powers’ drawbacks (and pretty much every Quirk’s drawback! if acknowledged properly!) border on a disability-analogue, and even more when Yuga’s laser comes up, and yet again and again we fail to truly engage with the matter in a meaningful way.

At this point, even if it comes up in the finale, I’m going to be disappointed in this particular aspect of the series due to the complete and total shut-down it’s been given so far.

What the FUCK, Horikoshi?

#elk text #24th #February #2021 #February 24th 2021 #I hope the bold helps with reading #long post warn #elk has thoughts #sorry for the ramble #Ableism #other shit comes up but plz keep in mind that that is the PRIMARY POINT OF THIS #also:#child abuse warn #abuse warn #harry potter spoilers warn #boku no hero spoilers #like REAL BIG spoilers for later Hero Academia stuff!#this is not a character hate post and i will block judiciously #elk has feelings

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mariska · 4 years

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well, today marks the 8th year anniversary of the day that Lollipop Chainsaw was released, which is absolutely bonkers. here is me the first time i did mariska cosplay makeup on myself vs the most recent time i did for the occasion! (left pic is from the beginning of 2013 when i was 15, right pic is from a few months ago this year right before i turned 23)

i’ve made a few very similar posts celebrating the anniversary of its’ release over the years, but i always get very nostalgic about it this time of year because, as silly as it sounds, this game literally changed the course of my life in a very positive way. so i’m gonna write about what it means to me for the millionth time under the ‘read more’ here, lol.

i turned 15 in may of 2012 and it was probably the most difficult year of my life. i’d been homeschooled for a couple years at that point because a number of issues had prevented me from being able to stay in public school any longer, and i’d just come out of a not great year in 2011 where i had attempted to try and go back to a public school setting for my first year of high school and it went really bad. i had lost contact with all but one of my friends that i used to hang out with in person and barely talked to anyone except my parents and my therapist anymore. i was extremely depressed and attempting to work through PTSD but a lot of the trauma was still so fresh. my anxiety was so severe that having a brief interaction with a cashier at a store would cause me to throw up half of the time. it was getting more difficult to be passionate about anything with every passing day and i spent a lot of time feeling hopeless that i was doomed to spend the rest of my life anxious and alone. at the end of that year, my health took a nosedive and i got my first auto-immune disease diagnosis, starting what would be a life-long journey of dealing with chronic illness and chronic pain, and having to juggle constant hospital visits/drs appointments and flare-ups of scary symptoms that i had no idea how to process (on top of my pre-existing mental health issues, and on top of the fact that i am autistic and didn’t know this at the time/wasn’t receiving any kind of professional validation for that yet)

lollipop chainsaw was the first game i ever pre-ordered and i was looking forward to a fun, mindless distraction the day it released. i beat the main story the next day and had an absolute blast with it, so i went to check if anyone was talking about it on tumblr and discovered that a couple of people had made some ‘ask blogs’ where they were going to roleplay as the characters and answer questions as them. i thought that sounded like a fun way to maybe get to interact with a few people, so i made one for my favorite character, mariska, and introduced myself to the other people i found.

it is absolutely wild to think that i would most likely have a very, very different life if i hadn’t made that blog. i owe so much to that community of people and the friends that i made on there. it encouraged me to start talking to people again, both in and out of character. it re-ignited my passions for writing, which i hadn’t done anything with in years, and art, and MUSIC, oh my GOD. i learned about so many new musical artists i’d never listened to before. i discovered that mariska’s voice actor, shawnee smith, had a music career of her own and totally fell in love with her songs, which led me to watching a bunch of her other films/shows, which led me to Saw, which led me to HORROR, my FAVORITE movie genre ever and a passion that literally defines a huge chunk of my life now. hearing her sing made me want to be a musician. my parents bought me my first guitar as a gift and i was over the moon with happiness. i started taking music lessons with a music teacher who i was really able to connect with and began writing my own songs in my spare time. then, for my 16th birthday, my parents surprised me with a record player and took me out to the nearest music store so i could pick out a big stack of cheap, used records of bands i’d only ever heard mentioned a couple times before in my life.

my life changed, completely. i spent all day rotating between writing as mariska on my roleplay blog, to creating art, to sitting on my bed and doodling in sketch books while i played Jefferson Airplane and Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd and Aerosmith and Rolling Stones and Supertramp and Earth, Wind & Fire and etc etc etc on my record player for hours. i started spending birthday/christmas gift money on clothes i found at thrift stores and discovered that i felt more like myself in a used dress from the ‘60s than i ever did in the modern clothes i was used to wearing.

i had passions again, and friends, and i was happy to be alive. i’ve said it so many times before, but i literally do not think i would have survived that era of my life if it weren’t for the friends, connections, hobbies and general love for life that i was able to find just from being a part of the lollipop chainsaw fan community that year. it truly saved my life and i will never be able to properly thank everyone who had a part in that for how they helped me cope with everything.

happy 8th anniversary, lollipop chainsaw!! i cannot believe it’s almost been a decade now. what a long strange trip it’s been etc etc. lmao

#lollipop chainsaw #mariska #maya papaya #long post #hopefully the read more works for mobile users i dont want to force anyone to have to scroll thru this wall of text on their dash LOL

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thisweekingundamwing · 5 years

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This Week in Gundam Wing 30 Dec 2018 - 05 Jan 2019

Here’s this week’s roundup!

Remember to give your content creators some love! And join in on the events at the bottom!

I’m finally back in the swing of going through what’s been posted on AO3 throughout the last week, so, be prepared! lol

~Mod Hel

Fanfiction/Snippets/AU Ideas:

@amyole

My father, the hero https://archiveofourown.org/works/17281061

Relena Peacecraft, Mariemaia Khushrenada, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net

Set eighteen months after Endless Waltz. Mariemaia seeks out Relena on Father's Day. Written for Mariemaia Month at gwozzies on LJ. Originally posted in 2006.

My father, the soldier https://archiveofourown.org/works/17280938

Lucrezia Noinheim, Dorothy Catalonia

Noin comforts Dorothy on the death of her father. Originally posted in 2006.

My father, the pacifist https://archiveofourown.org/works/17281001

Zechs Merquise, Quatre Raberba Winner

Une convinces Zechs to talk to Quatre about his father before he departs. Originally posted in 2006.

@anaranesindanarie

A Winter Engagement https://archiveofourown.org/works/17262764

Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy

Duo Maxwell, Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner

Christmas, Holidays, Winter

Heero asks a question that surprises Duo.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @miss-m-muses

Tequila (Ch. 10) https://archiveofourown.org/works/15935852/chapters/40683125

Trowa Barton/Duo Maxwell, Long Meilan/Hilde Schbeiker, Catherine Bloom/Abdul Kurama

Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Heero Yuy, Hilde Schbeiker, Long Meilan, Chang Wufei, Catherine Bloom, Abdul Kurama, Rashid Kurama, Sister Helen, Solo, Maxwell Shinpu | Father Maxwell

Past Relationships, bad breakups, Tequila, Weddings, Car problems, love you so much I hate you, Military, Fights, hostage, injuries

Whoever wrote the rules of breaking up never kissed your lips Touched your skin, held the world at their fingertips Didn't have a clue what heaven was -Rules of Breaking Up ~Brandon Ratcliff

@bailong05

Red https://archiveofourown.org/works/17252438

WuFei Chang, Angst & Tragedy

His first memory is a swirl of red, red that faded far too fast.

@downwarddnaspiral

Don’t Talk Smack About the Caped Crusader https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260058

Duo maxwell/Chang Wufei

Duo Maxwell, Relena Peacecraft, Chang Wufei

Fluff, Meet-Cute, onesie pajamas, Coffee, Christmas Caroling, Tumblr Prompt, 2X5, Pre-Slash, No Sex

This still wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that happened to Wufei in his lifetime, but it was definitely in his top five. Playing his sophomore saxophone solo during his school’s winter concert with his fly open scored a little higher than this.

The guy with the wicked dimples in his cheeks and gleaming blue-violet eyes was grinning at him. Wufei wanted to punch his lights out.

“I always wanted to visit the Batcave. Gonna give me a tour, big fella?”

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @kirinjaegeste

@duointherain

Can You See Me? https://archiveofourown.org/works/17255429

Trowa Barton/Heero Yuy

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @seitou

We Don’t Know Where We’re Going (Ch. 1) https://archiveofourown.org/works/17285099/chapters/40651691

Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy, Quatre Raberba Winner

It's after the wars, still kids, recovering from war and learning to be okay. It'll be a Heero/Duo get together.

@helmistress

A Christmas Holiday https://archiveofourown.org/works/17255783/chapters/40578641

Dorothy Catalonia/Relena Peacecraft

Dorothy Catalonia, Relena Peacecraft, Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell

DXR, Christmas, Sass, Fluff, Snark, quiet moments

It was always crazy around Christmas; people were always trying to squeeze her in to give speeches at Christmas Dinner Parties, or New Year’s Parties. Relena never knew if she would see Dorothy for the holidays or not.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @jalaperilo

@idkmybffflamingo

Like A Wave Breaking https://archiveofourown.org/works/17266415

Trowa Barton/Duo Maxwell

Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell, Heero Yuy, Chang Wufei

Post-Canon, Canon Compliant, Preventers, Fluff and Angst, Christmas Fluff, Getting Together, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Self-Worth Issues, Eventual Happy Ending, Attempted Sex, Safe Sane and Consensual, Trowa Barton Deserves Happiness, Duo Maxwell Is A Sweetheart, Chang Wufei Is A Good Bro

Five times Duo surprised Trowa at Christmastime, and one time Trowa surprised him in return.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @anaranesindanarie

@jalaperilo

Bump in the night https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260199

Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell

Duo Maxwell, Chang Wufei, Quatre Raberba Winner

Supernatural, Ghosts, Liberal use of the word fuck, Spooky

Duo and Wufei stay the night in one of Quatre's many estates, which is not haunted at all.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @w-chang / @challahchic2

@kirinjaegeste

Taste of Rumchata https://archiveofourown.org/works/17263310

Trowa Barton/Duo Maxwell

Fluff, I think this rotted my teeth, I've never done this pairing before, or this much fluff, New OTP, can't believe i didn't have this in my life, new to 2x3

Duo and Trowa have a nice night in and share gifts

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @idkmybffflamingo

@lifeaftermeteor

Time Away https://archiveofourown.org/works/17226368

Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy

Fluff, Cabin Fic, Cute, Romance

Heero and Duo flee the end-of-year bustle of Brussels and Preventers Headquarters and spend some much needed vacation time tucked away in a snowy European forest.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @duointherain

Saturday Snippet https://lifeaftermeteor.tumblr.com/post/181754922019/winner-family-compound-l4-v05001-26-december-210

Winner Family Compound

L4-V05001

26 December 210

luvsanime02

Fairness and Friends https://archiveofourown.org/works/17305352

Duo Maxwell, Chang Wufei

Post-Series, Humor, Cocktail Friday, Friendship

Wufei might end up in the emergency room tonight, but if he does, at least he won't be alone. That's what friends are for.

@miss-m-muses

Maxwell’s Toy Emporium https://archiveofourown.org/works/17262152

Duo Maxwell/Zechs Merquise

Cheesy, Smut, Christmas Miracles

It's Christmas Eve and Duo's toy store is going out of business. That is until a handsome rich stranger just happens to need gifts and ends up visiting Maxwell's Toy Emporium.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @simulacraryn

Straight to My Head (Ch. 3) https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184560/chapters/40684865

Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy

Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Lady Une

Light Angst, confused!Heero, Awkward Romance, some smut

Heero's yearly Preventer evaluation is usually an annoying formality. But this year, it is much more complicated due to a certain Duo Maxwell...

@noirangetrois

Waves and a Wedding (Ch. 6) https://archiveofourown.org/works/15639375/chapters/40609283

Duo Maxwell/Relena Peacecraft

Relena Peacecraft, Duo Maxwell, Quatre Raberba Winner, Dorothy Catalonia, Trowa Barton, Catherine Bloom, Sylvia Noventa, Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian, Mrs. Darlian, Rashid Kurama, Treize Khushrenada, Lucrezia Noin

Tumblr Prompt, Cruise Ships, Alternate Universe, Fake Marriage, Becoming a real marriage, Also I've never been on a cruise, so everything about this is entirely made up, My first het fic ever so bear with me

Weddings need flowers, right? And a Captain sure would come in handy, too.

Odamaki

How Barton Won a $100 Bet before New Years https://archiveofourown.org/works/17297747

Chang Wufei/Heero Yuy

Heero Yuy, Chang Wufei, Trowa Barton

Crack, Probably ooc, Christmas Crack, UST, Jealousy, Bets & Wagers, Wufei is a disaster, Heero is bad at feelings, oblivious idiots, Trowa is tired of their nonsense, just embarrassing really

Crackfic 1x5. Honestly defies description.

“Every year, Wufei gets drunk at every party he’s forced to attend and hits on you, and every time you say no, and it is excruciatingly embarrassing for everyone forced to witness it.” Trowa crosses one foot over the other and, seeing that he has captured the full laser-beam of Heero’s attention, continues. “We never exchange gifts but, how about as my gift to you and every other Preventer keen to survive the celebrations, I give Wufei something new to think about.”

@offspringchick29

What Would the Daughter of "The Perfect Soldier" Think About the Most? High School Edition https://archiveofourown.org/works/17214587

Serena (the daughter) answers some about me thing asking that question. She questions how in the world will she survive school with whom she considers to be a bunch of “idiots”. Texts her dad, and this spirals into him basically giving her a list of chores because she whines about being bored.

Oh Christmas Cat, Oh Christmas Cat. Ho Lovely are thy... Claws? https://archiveofourown.org/works/17223383

Heero’s kids (about age 5) persuade him to do something against his better judgement. He does it to prove a point. His “minions” as he jokingly calls them learn that Uncle Duo and the internet do not have good ideas. And Heero re-learns that he can’t say no to a small girl who has his hair and eye colour. Unfortunately, said act results in a hospital visit, Heero teaching one of his subordinates a valuable life lesson, and one angry cat on a murderous rampage. So a lovely Christmas fic after Christmas.

The Yuys v. The Monster with 8 Legs. https://archiveofourown.org/works/17267852

We get to see Heero and his daughter Serena interact and “fight” over how the spider should have been disposed of. Serena gets reminded of her genetics and where she gets her sass from, and Heero gets given a “gift” he asked for for his 40th birthday 3 years later.

@peachandbetty

Here for the Tea https://archiveofourown.org/works/17256653

Relena Peacecraft/Heero Yuy

Heero Yuy, Relena Peacecraft, Mariemaia Khushrenada, Chang Wufei, Lady Une

Sometimes clarity comes with a nice cup of tea. And an ambush.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @sweethoneysempai

phoenixrebirth88

Unexpected complication https://archiveofourown.org/works/7201409/chapters/16341509

TrowaXReader

What if you woke up near somebody you can't remember meeting. What if you decide to stay, trying to escape your own life. Is such a thing really possible?

A Christmas Dare https://archiveofourown.org/works/17258774

Heero Yuy, Reader Insert

At a Christmas party a lot of things can happen … Especially if you add a too short dress and too many perverted men who can't seem to control themselves.

Traditions https://archiveofourown.org/works/17258834/chapters/40585796

WuFeiXReader

"No one deserves to spend their holidays by themselves." It was what you had told him when you had first showed up at his front door, forcing your presence upon him. Now, three years later, you wouldn't put a stop to that tradition just because he was in the hospital!

Miracles https://archiveofourown.org/works/17258798

DuoXReader

His twenty-four hours were nearly up, not that you knew of them or what they meant ...

Slave https://archiveofourown.org/works/6304465/chapters/14447272

WuFeiXReader

You get a slave for a month, but what are you going to do with him? Should you take advantage of the situation given, or should you just act as if it wasn’t happening?

‘Tis the season by phoenixrebirth88 https://archiveofourown.org/works/17258615/chapters/40585352

Trowa Barton, Treize Khushrenada, Heero Yuy, Quatre Raberba Winner, Reader insert

Gifts https://archiveofourown.org/works/17258828

QuatreXReader

Year after year, you failed to give him something he truly wanted. Would you manage to succeed this year?

@sailoriceprincess

Scarves and Kisses https://archiveofourown.org/works/17318234

Treize Khushrenada/Heero Yuy

Heero Yuy. Treize Khushrenada. Original Male Character(s)

Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas Fluff, First Christmas, OOCness

Treize asks Heero to spend Christmas with him. Both are dorks.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @vegalume

ShenLong

Bound, Bonded and Betrayed (Ch. 77) https://archiveofourown.org/works/7188593/chapters/40580942

Heero Yuy/Duo Maxwell, Relena Peacecraft/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner, Treize Khushrenada/Lady Une

Chang Wufei, Zechs Merquise, Hilde Schbeiker, Dorothy Catalonia, Lucrezia Noin, Sally Po

Sap, Angst, Bondage, Slavery, Yaoi, Lemon, Lime, Het, Violence, Fluff, AU, OOC. - Freeform

Heero is the eldest son of the King of Colonia. His 21st birthday is approaching and as tradition dictates his betrothed is soon to arrive. However he is also bound by tradition to select his own personal slave. The events that unfold lead him down a path that not only tests his sanity but his humanity and love as well.

Silvertrails

The Academy (Ch. 7) https://archiveofourown.org/works/17119034/chapters/40723589

Zechs Merquise, Treize Khushrenada, Lucrezia Noin, Lady Une, Nichols, Walker

Zechs goes to the Specials Academy in Lake Victoria.

@simulacraryn

Home (I’ve found I belong) https://archiveofourown.org/works/17263526

Relena Peacecraft/Heero Yuy

Fluff and Angst, Freeform, New Year's Resolutions, Gundam Wing Christmas Exchange, Romance, Established Relationship, Friendship, References to Depression, Mental Health Issues, Older Characters

Retirement is looming over Heero and Relena's heads during Christmas AC 219. An uncharted future for two people that were molded for their respective positions in life.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @peachandbetty

slowHistorian

Turn the stone and look beneath it (Ch. 2) https://archiveofourown.org/works/17263481/chapters/40700147

Gundam Wing, Marvel Cinematic Universe

Tony Stark/Stephen Strange

Tony Stark, Duo Maxwell, Heero Yuy, Chang Wufei, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Stephen Strange, T'Challa (Marvel), Steve Rogers

Crossover, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Parent Tony Stark, stuck in a new world, New Avengers, Not A Fix-It, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Civil War Team Iron Man, Salty Team Iron Man, Slow Romance, Slow Burn, romance is not the focus, but it will be there, eventually

Their war was over, they won. For the measure of winning a war, anyway. The truce was what was supposed to matter. But in the end, the other side used public opinion and their own renewed authority to try to bring an end to the perceived threat of the Gundam Pilots.

Except it went wrong. So very wrong. And now the pilots have to navigate this weird new world with its super heroes and aliens and magic while deciding if they even WANT go try to go back.

Hint: They really, really don't.

@softnocturne

You Hold Our Hearts (Ch. 2) https://archiveofourown.org/works/16992327/chapters/40728941

Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner/Heero Yuy, Lucrezia Noin/Sally Po, Dorothy Catalonia/Relena Peacecraft, Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell

Quatre Raberba Winner, Trowa Barton, Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Lucrezia Noin, Sally Po, Dorothy Catalonia, Relena Peacecraft, Chang Wufei, Howard, Doctor J, Instructor O, Original Characters

Angst, Smut, Rape/Non-con Elements, Minor Character Death, Missing in Action

Trowa Barton has gone missing, leaving his two lovers behind. Instead of waiting for him to return, Heero and Quatre set off with the others to find Trowa. Only, they learn that by following Trowa's trail, they follow danger.

@sweethoneysempai

Make the Yuletide Gay https://archiveofourown.org/works/16905405

Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner, Mariemaia Khushrenada & Lady Une

Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Lady Une, Mariemaia Khushrenada

Christmas, what non-Christians do on Christmas, Pagan Trowa Barton, Implied Muslim Quatre Raberba Winner, Jordanian Quatre Raberba Winner, Nostalgia, Winner Family, Trowa has mad game in this, he’s a good boyfriend, Trowa and Quatre fill the void in their souls with kisses and mansaf, Food, Trowa’s Mercenary Squad, Saturnalia

Suddenly off-duty on Christmas, Trowa and Quatre piece a holiday together.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @weiclown

@weiclown

Coming Out https://archiveofourown.org/works/17319806

Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner/Heero Yuy

Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Heero Yuy

Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Feelings, Relationship Discussions, Coming Out

Falling into a relationship just happened. Quatre’s been playing the media for his own gains, but he knows it’s time to let the world know. On their terms, not the media’s.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @sailoriceprincess

@ziggystarsandmars

Who We Say We Are https://archiveofourown.org/works/17259911/chapters/40588475

Trowa Barton/Duo Maxwell

Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell, Quatre Raberba Winner

Get Together, Light Angst, Kid Fic, duo's a baby whisperer

When Trowa finds a baby in the woods, he's determined to keep it, even if he doesn't have the first clue how to care for an infant. Luckily, Duo's willing to lend a hand. Soon, something starts to kindle between them, and they must decide if they have the courage to follow where their feelings lead.

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @helmistress

Fanart:

@gundayum

https://gundayum.tumblr.com/post/181733094971/so-i-found-out-that-i-got-accepted-into-my-first

Relena Darlian/Peacecraft

@seitou

http://seitou.tumblr.com/post/181738103560/merry-christmas-ziggystarsandmars-i-hope-you-have

Duo & WuFei

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018! Gift for @ziggystarsandmars

Head Canons:

@lifeaftermeteor

https://lifeaftermeteor.tumblr.com/post/181723914884

WuFei Chang

Chats/Discussions:

@lifeaftermeteor

https://lifeaftermeteor.tumblr.com/post/181654354039/ive-always-been-in-love-with-you-could-you-tell

Music Album discussion

Heero Yuy

Quotes/Dialogues:

@incorrectgundamwingquotes

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181601232519/incorrectgundamwingquotes-quatre-can-i-get-a

Quatre, Duo, WuFei, & Server

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181605989811/at-preventers-hq-duo-walking-along-with-heero

Duo, Heero, Trowa, & Random Preventers Agents

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181620338701/trowa-hey-can-i-ask-your-advice-on-something

Trowa & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181626915344/heero-lets-be-more-than-friends-duo-best

Heero & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181635339604/quatre-crying-heero-whats-wrong-quatre

Quatre & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181653195111/zechs-after-the-fall-of-the-sanc-kingdom-i-just

Zechs

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181647375029/gundam-pilots-we-dont-have-an-official-leader

Gundam Pilots in general, Quatre

https://lemontrash.tumblr.com/post/181646109909/incorrectgundamwingquotes-wufei-if-you

WuFei & Heero (via: @lemontrash)

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181645404919/at-preventers-hq-une-is-your-team-prepared-for

Une & WuFei

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181642601585/heero-i-know-200-ways-to-kill-a-man-trowa-you

Heero & Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181671291811/duo-you-need-to-stop-doing-weird-things-going

Duo & Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181692146239/heero-aside-from-the-bullet-wounds-and-a-broken

Heero & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181700234434/zechs-learn-how-to-be-the-bigger-person-heero

Zechs & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181697526865/duo-i-dare-you-to-kiss-the-next-person-who-walks

Duo, Trowa, & Quatre

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181733072981/noin-are-you-seriously-putting-on-lipstick-for

Noin & Relena

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181747503502/troubled-birds-gw-girls-edition

Dorothy, Relena, Zechs, Noin, Une, & Sally

https://gwminorcharactersrpblog.tumblr.com/post/181696784557/incorrectgundamwingquotes-heero-i-know-the

Heero & Relena (more added by @gwminorcharactersrpblog)

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181538486791/wufei-you-have-to-have-some-semblance-of

WuFei & Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181570932608/catherine-this-is-serious-you-could-go-to-jail

Cathy & Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181580279833/heero-and-subtlety-has-not-exactly-been-our

Heero & WuFei

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181590469168/catherine-to-associate-with-my-brother-you-must

Cathy, all the gboy pilots, Duo, & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/181753416668/quatre-one-time-when-i-was-younger-someone-asked

Quatre & Duo

No Idea What To Put This Under:

@christianmswanson

http://christianmswanson.tumblr.com/post/181755159782/practicing-it-before-i-record-it-ive-been

Heero Yuy

http://christianmswanson.tumblr.com/post/181742904699/i-have-a-problem-i-dont-know-why-i-learned

Just Communicatioin

http://christianmswanson.tumblr.com/post/181669460271/the-wings-of-a-boy-that-killed-adolescence-was

Wings of a Boy

@lemontrash

https://lemontrash.tumblr.com/post/181738409384/i-am-excited-and-nervous-to-announce-that-radio

Radio Meteor is doing a new Gundam Wing PODCAST.

Calendar Events:

@gwcocktailfriday

Cocktail Fridays!

Post responses on Friday, during Happy Hour between 3 & 5 pm in your own timezone.

Here’s the prompt for Friday January 11th! https://gwcocktailfriday.tumblr.com/post/181740312975/cocktail-friday-post-responses-on-friday-january

For those going to Pillowfort https://gwcocktailfriday.tumblr.com/post/181733192168/for-those-transferring-their-focus-to-pillowfort

@our-summer-of-zechs

Summer of Zechs 2019 Ideas https://our-summer-of-zechs.tumblr.com/post/181628092091/we-appear-to-still-be-up-and-running-folks

Come let us know how we should proceed for this coming summer!

Summer of Zechs will start being run from This Week in Gundam Wing Events on pillowfort as well!

@thisweekingundamevents

Gundam Wing Holiday Gift Exchange 2018!

Gift Master List! To be put out later today!

If you have pillowfort, be sure to add your gift to the Exchange discussion in the This Week in Gundam Wing Events community!

#Gundam Wing #This Week in Gundam Wing #30 Dec 2018 - 05 Jan 2019 #Weekly Roundup #thisweekingundamwing

13 notes · View notes

thegreymoon · 5 years

Note

Hi I have been a fan of your work for a very long time and so I sneak into your tumblr from time to time.I counldnt help but notice that you post a lot of political/sjw stuff and I know it is none of my business but since I am probably absolutely opposite in my political views I can't help myself and ask: I understand that you are Asian, but you don't seem to be interested in real or imagined injustices in your country/continent and are mainly interested in USA, why is that?

Hi, anon!

First of all, I am not Asian and I’m very sorry if I ever did or said anything to mislead people into thinking that I was. It was unconsciously done. I have no intention of offending anyone or appropriating an identity that isn’t mine, so if I did something of that sort, please let me know and I’ll do my best to correct myself. I often reblog stuff about China because I think it’s an amazing country, I’m learning Mandarin (not making much progress, though), love their culture, nature, architecture and am a big fan of their historical/fantasy dramas. Also, the two fandoms I was the most active in (coincidentally) happen to be a Japanese anime and a Japanese video game, so I have a lot of love for their art and aesthetics.

I’m actually very surprised that you would ‘notice’ that I post a lot of ‘political/sjw stuff’, considering that I mostly use Tumblr to repost Merlin gifs, cast/crew news and fanworks. There is maybe one reblog on just about anything else for every fifty (perhaps even more) Merlin posts, so I really have to wonder which of the RL issues I posted about bothered you so much that you would describe them as ‘a lot’.

I may be misinterpreting the tone of your ask, so forgive me if I misread your intentions and am responding too harshly, but in my experience, ‘SJW’ is a term that is used to be dismissive when people are talking about real social issues, plus I found your wording of ‘imagined injustices’ very… interesting.

Also, I find it odd that somebody would unironically ask me why I’m ‘mainly’ interested in the USA.

First of all, the global market is oversaturated with American media, American products, American news, American movies, TV series, music, you name it. It’s everywhere. Of course I’m going to know more about it than, say, Lichtenstein. The exposure of American public figures is insane and it just happens that the stuff that appears on my dash is most often related to the USA because that is what the people I follow also follow (and for the record, on Tumblr, I mainly follow the Merlin fandom and to a somewhat lesser degree, various artists, baby animals, Chinese traditional outfits, Buzzfeed and NASA news). I absolutely do reblog pure evil, injustices, hypocrisy and intentionally inflicted misery in other countries too when I see them, but I don’t actively go looking for them on Tumblr, just like I don’t actively look for the USA posts either. The USA posts are simply there, without much active input from me, while other countries are not. An important point, of course, since we are having this weird discussion about why a random person outside of the USA is consuming so much American media, is that English is the only foreign language I am fluent in, so when it comes to foreign content, I am primarily going to read and interact with posts in English. And which country creates the most content in English? Yup, you guessed it!

On a similar note, everything that happens in the USA affects other countries too. Nothing that goes on there takes place in a vacuum and the USA has made damn sure that it has its fingers in each and every single pie all over the world. Everything, the good and the bad, spills over and trust me, we feel the effects acutely in my unstable, politically fraught little country. The economic and cultural implications are enormous, so you can bet American issues are very personal for me, even if I don’t live there. My country’s government consists of puppets in the hands of various world leaders playing tug of war with actual human lives. My literal paycheck depends on the stability of the dollar. The survival of the entire human species hangs on how we deal with climate change right now and that ignorant, illiterate orange shitstain Americans voted into power is now standing on a global platform, spouting nonsense that is barely one step removed from Creationist bullshit and Flat-earther conspiracies. And you seriously ask me why I’m interested in the USA?

The USA loves to dub itself as ‘the leader of the free world’ and ‘a global superpower’, and has managed to stick its nose into everybody’s business everywhere (usually with no good intentions), but somehow you question why the rest of us are now going to be interested in what is going on there, not to mention critical when the US government spouts absolute rubbish not just on a domestic, but also global scale? So, yes, I am personally invested in what is going down next in the USA and am sitting here, half the world across, cheering Americans on as they fight to have that shame they elected removed from power and, hopefully, incarcerated, along with all his corrupt cronies, advisors and family members. I’m going to be genuinely celebrating here when he finally goes down!

Secondly, I come from one of those countries that the USA and its allies have destroyed for their own gain and where they have ruined countless lives over multiple generations. I have every reason to notice, take a personal interest in and comment on the hypocrisy, the grandstanding and the false moral high ground that is assumed by the USA (and any of its bootlickers) when I see it.

For any of my USA followers here, I would just like to note that I am perfectly capable of distinguishing between ordinary people and disgusting government policies enacted by corrupt or incompetent politicians. I realise this post sounds angry, but I wish only good things for you all, people are people everywhere and the stuff I’m talking about is way above the average person’s paygrade. I also realise that the USA has screwed over so many of its own citizens; including its war veterans, PoC, minorities, the poor, the weak and the disabled. My heart goes out to you all, truly, and I love you all!

(BTW, I intentionally have not said which country I’m from because I’ve stopped publically stating my location online, simply because it makes it too easy for malicious people to identify me IRL that way. I don’t necessarily hide my RL identity if I have a valid reason to reveal my true name and location, but please forgive me for not stating it outright here, on a public platform, to satisfy the curiosity of an anon ask. My country is misogynistic, homophobic and hostile to all who are non-conforming and my job prospects are hard enough without my online pseudonyms being generally known in my RL circles. I used to be much less secretive about it, but have since learned the error of my ways and am now taking the most basic of precautions.)

With that said, yes, my country has issues! And, fyi, I have ranted and raged and cried about them before online, IRL and in private. I have posted about my country’s political problems everywhere, including here, when I was just too angry to hold it in because I’m absolute shit at being careful even when I make a conscious effort to be. Most recently, I raged about our elections which were a punch to the gut. If I was to start typing about the corruption, injustices and absolute evil going on around me, I would never stop, but I’m not going to do that because that’s not what I come to Tumblr for. This is primarily a fandom space, mostly for fandom stuff, where I come to look at other people’s things and almost never create content of my own. Just about anything political has been reblogged from someone else because it showed up on my dash and touched a nerve. Very little of that is stuff from my own country because nobody creates and reblogs posts about it in the fandom circle I mostly interact with.

I’m now trying to think back to what ‘SJW’ issues (as you put it) I reblog the most often and how any of them are ‘imaginary injustices’. Off the top of my head, the ones that usually touch a nerve are about the oppression and discrimination of women, patriarchy, sexism, various kinds of abuse, sexual assault, overworking, capitalist brainwashing, mental health issues, LGBTQ issues, freedom of speech, resurgence of Nazism, the gap between the rich and the poor, climate change and criminal religious institutions regaining power in society. I can assure you that none of these is ‘imaginary’ and the negative ways in which they affect me and the people around me are very, very real. Also, none of them is unique to the USA, which is what you seem to be the most concerned about, and even if the post is from or about the USA, these problems definitely overlap with things that I, and countless people around the world, are personally experiencing and have a lot of feelings about. The only social issues ‘unique’ to the USA that I often reblog are the ones related to the particular US brand of racism and the appalling, still-ongoing genocide committed against the indigenous people there, and how can you not empathise with that when it’s so egregious? I will reblog them every time they cross my dash to spread awareness since the US government is actively trying to stifle it and rewrite history and idc who is uncomfortable.

With all that said, I’m open to corrections and have no problem admitting to being wrong once I realise I’ve made a mistake. So, this goes for all the people following my blog: if any of the posts I shared are about ‘imaginary’ issues (just… wow at the use of this word) or contain false information, please feel free to let me know and I will take it under advisement. I’m always willing to learn.

#tl;dr #Anonymous #no idea how to even tag this #social issues #personal #i guess

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aijee · 3 years

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hello! i’m the anon who left the 6-part ask regarding mg a few months ago (i refer to those asks bc i’m back to drop more thoughts about mg and might touch on what i previously said). i wrote this whole thing disregading word count, believing i could drop it all in one go because i managed to log in to my tumblr, but it seems i still have to break it up… lmao i don’t know how many parts this will be or if i could post it all tonight, but i will signify the very end with “6-part anon” :)

Cont’d with response under the cut (I made some executive decisions about where the paragraphs break lol so it’s not all one block of text):

they want to be famous; that part just came along with the package. then i read in your bts post, you see mg as more wrapped up in entertainment, having star power with a bright personality, liking the limelight. reading that, i do agree, but i guess ive never thought of that before. i think wanting to be a star and wanting to be in the spotlight can seem self-centered. i hope im not coming across like im judging everyone who wants to be famous as “bad” because that’s not what i’m trying to do, but i think it’s safe enough to say that wanting to be famous means wanting people’s attention on you. i’m trying to tread carefully but i suppose i am saying that on the surface, wanting to be a big star can seem a little selfish in the sense that you want to boost your image, present your best self at all times, want people’s eyes on you and want them to think good things about you. combining those general thoughts about wanting to be a star, with my thoughts about mg in particular, is interesting to me.

i’ve always seen him as someone so selfless, so lovely, so considerate towards others. throughout idotsc, you’ve written him throughout as someone so amiable, liked by everyone, and also selfless and considerate. and in chp 7, his reaction twds the pictures is... well, I think they’re pretty true to character, and again i think it shows selflessness. then the ‘Love Languages’ text that OP had written— while, of course, OP doesn’t know him and everything is an assumption to a certain degree, I think their writing summarizes in one place what I observed about mg through the content available to the public: he constantly gives to people around him, exhibiting sincerity, words of gratitude and acts of service. at the same time, i definitely agree with what you said about his star quality, so i think that was the first time i really stopped to examine my thoughts about stardom and how some things may not be mutually exclusive.

“stardom” also makes me think about his recent incident, because of course, such incidents are definitely a potential consequence of fame. during that time i’ve also come across several opinions saying that they’re not surprised if a current idol was a past bully… i don’t remember exactly what people said but i think it was somewhere along the lines of, if they were so confident and cocky since predebut, then they might have had the qualities of a bully. something like that. i think from the outside looking in, it may be easier to equate star quality with a diva attitude/disregard twds others.

one thing i’d like to add is sth that a famous person said abt fame, and why they value it more than money, bc if they meet a fan, the look on the fan’s face upon meeting them gives them a feeling money can’t buy. and i suppose from this angle, being a star seems selfless. with svt too, they expressed how meaningful it is to them that theyre able to bring us so much joy. i think from the outside looking in, it may be easier to equate star quality with a diva attitude/disregard twds others. one thing i’d like to add is sth that a famous person said abt fame, and why they value it more than money, bc if they meet a fan, the look on the fan’s face upon meeting them gives them a feeling money can’t buy. and i suppose from this angle, being a star seems selfless. with svt too, they expressed how meaningful it is to them that theyre able to bring us so much joy.

i hope this all makes sense; i had lots of thoughts and wanted to try to write them. i struggled to understand why one would want to be a star, and went in circles questioning if i thought it was more selfish or selfless, and what one’s true motives might be behind wanting fame. ik u implied u embrace long writing bc you also write in length, but i’m less eloquent than you are so i hope this was fine! thank you again for having a space where people could offload their thoughts :) ~6-part anon~

There’s a lot to unpack here, isn’t there! A buffet of food for thought, for sure. I can’t possibly respond to everything written here because there’s just so many points, so I’ll write a few points. As always, take what I write with a grain of salt.

I don’t think there’s anything bad or inherently wrong with pointing out that, hey, people who are interested in a profession necessarily tied to a public image probably to show off or want attention. These things are perfectly natural to want, even for people who aren’t celebrities, because we’re (1) inherently social creatures and a lot of our survival is contingent on external success, and (2) we are brought up to feel validation from others, especially in an age where our lives are much more on display. But I can see why “selfishness” may be thrown in the mix because we often look down on attention-seekers and “popular” people, many of whom exhibit arrogant/tone-deaf behaviors. On the other hand, it’s understandable that an idol with a big public image necessitates putting their best foot forward all the time to maintain good opinion of them and to earn more money, frankly.

I’ve probably repeated myself too many times, but something I’ve been grappling with recently is this black-and-white mindset/judgment system we often have of others (very much exacerbated by social media, e.g. witch hunts). Bad is bad, good is good. I’ve thought this way for a long time of myself in an upbringing that always punished/looked down on bad behavior (or what was considered behavioral flaws, like speaking out against elders, swearing as a femme person, etc.) rather than acknowledging that “bad” behavior can be exhibited by people who also do and act “good.” In short, while I can only speak from my perspective, I think we’re programmed to subconsciously seek behavioral perfection for a number of reasons: we were raised that way by family; and/or society; we feel judged by the presence of social media and greater access into our lives; accessibility to celebrities and “perfect” public figures makes us judge ourselves by comparison; education systems that poorly address internal learning as well as external learning, etc.

In Mingyu’s case, there’s nothing wrong with seeing and continuing to see him as all those good qualities in my opinion. There’s nothing wrong with grappling with potential past problematic behaviors of your faves, as long as you’re critical and open-minded about the parties involved (which is rarely ever a fanbase at large, but the skewed authority of a fanbase is a different can of worms). Idols are human, which means dealing with the good and bad that comes with interacting humans. Contrary to popular belief (and I write this sarcastically), people CAN change. People should be ALLOWED to change. Characters are static. People are not. And it’s sad to say that this is still an issue in the K-Pop world.

As hard as it sounds, a person who bullied others in the past could still have good or pure intentions for becoming an idol. They could still feel fulfillment from making others happy; is that a bad thing? I personally don’t think so. Or maybe a person’s intentions for becoming an idol could be mixed good or bad, who the fuck knows? Not us. Honestly, I firmly believe that we fans don’t have the right to make definitive moral judgments of idols in the first place because we don’t know them personally. That, and people are extremely complex and hard to categorize, as much as we want to because it’s easier to do so. People are messy. Real life teaches us that more than the Internet does imo.

In any case, I don’t think selfishness and selflessness are mutually exclusive in the same way a person can be both good and bad. I learned that language, too, is a powerful vehicle that influences how we think. In that vein, with how compartmentalized definitions are in specific words, perhaps we think that their existence/practice is separate, i.e. being “selfish” is never being “selfless” because each word’s definition exists solely in their respective word and not the other (hopefully that makes some sense).

TL;DR: I think wanting attention and validation from others is okay and not inherently a bad thing, and people are fucking messy and rarely good without the bad (and vice versa).

Pretty sure I rambled a ton as well and probably didn’t hit that many points that you offered, anon. You ended up putting me on a thought train as well!

#askaijee

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ellenembee · 7 years

Text

The Revelation of All Things - 54. In which the proverbial gauntlet is metaphorically thrown

Read the full fic on AO3.

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The days of unbroken working and concentration meant Cullen's headaches had returned in full force by the end of the week. Thanks to Evana, however, he now had a new supply of draughts and the occasional magical assist if things got too bad.

The pain behind his eyes was particularly intense today. He'd spent part of the day with Hawke training the men they were to take with them for the assault. The physical exercise had felt wonderful at the time, but now, as he sat alone in his office, the aches in his shoulders, hips and knees only added to his discomfort.

He debated sending a note to Evana but decided to pour himself a draught instead. He'd just stood up to retrieve it when his door opened, and the object of his thoughts slipped inside. She smiled at him shyly and locked the door behind her. His heart began to pound as she walked toward him, but his smile turned to concern when she swayed on her feet. He raced from behind his desk to steady her, placing his hands on her hips. Her hands came up to rest on his upper arms, and her smile widened to a grin when her eyes met his.

"Good evening, Commander."

The faint smell of The Iron Bull's liquor wafted to his nostrils, and he heaved a sigh through a wry smile. "You, my dear, are drunk."

"Not drunk," she contradicted as she shook her head, raised a hand and pinched her forefinger and thumb together in front of her eye. "Just a liiiittle tipsy. Bull insisted that I celebrate with him and the Chargers, so that's what I've been doing for the last couple of hours. Didn't let him get me as drunk as last time... though he wants me to come back later, when I'm done talking with you."

"Talking with me?"

She nodded but said nothing further. Normally, he'd be delighted to talk with her any time, but her strange behavior had him nervous. A roiling sensation took up residence in his gut as they stared at each other in the dim candlelight.

"What would you like to talk about?" he asked warily.

"You. And Magic. And templars. And... other things."

Cullen furrowed his brow, the uncomfortable feeling growing. "I'm always happy to answer any questions you might have."

"Thank you, Cullen, that's... that means a lot to me." She looked away, but her eyes darted back to him a couple of times before she finally spoke. "I guess... I guess I want to know if you... do you still regret the man you became after leaving Ferelden?"

He breathed an internal sigh of relief. The question was personal, but no more or less than any of their other conversations. Still he had to think on his answer a moment.

"Well... in many respects, yes. After the Ferelden Circle, I thought all mages were like the ones there. Knight-Commander Meredith's methods were harsh. I recognize that now, but at the time, all I could see was that they kept people safe."

"But you said Meredith was unstable," she observed quietly.

Cullen shrugged and absently let his thumbs caress her waist as he fell into memories of his past. "She was my Knight-Commander, and I her Knight-Captain. I had no reason to distrust her. Perhaps it was naive of me... but she wasn't wrong about the blood mages in Kirkwall. Meredith encouraged my anger toward the mages. But there was only so far I would go, and she knew that, too. I was her second-in-command, but she kept decisions from me - those I would question. I believed she was serving the city. I never thought to question her. Not until it was too late."

"You can't control everything. And you stood up to her in the end," she reminded him.

He appreciated her words, but he was still entrenched in the memories. "If I hadn't, would I be like her now? I wanted mages locked away as much as she did. I trusted they were treated reasonably well, but I should have done more. I should have looked into it." He shook his head as if trying to shake away a bad dream. "It is not yet enough. The Inquisition is my chance to atone. I will see it through."

Her eyes filled with concern, yet there was hesitancy in her looks as well. "I know you will. But... with so much corruption and ill treatment of both mages and templars, things... they can't go back to the way they used to be. Don't you think...? I mean... do you think templars should cease to exist?"

His skin prickled in defensiveness at the loaded question. How could she ask him such a thing? Unsure of where she was headed with this line of questioning, however, he bit back his initial reaction and answered in as even a tone as possible.

"No. I may have chosen to leave that life, but I respect those who remain. Magic ungoverned could tear the world apart. It's doing so now. Templars are trained and able to confront such dangers."

"Like the Grey Wardens can deal with the Blight?"

Cullen frowned. "I... I suppose so. Although I would hardly compare magic with the Blight. Magic can do good. The Blight never could."

She smiled a little at his rebuttal of her comparison. It seemed to please her, and he relaxed the tiniest bit. Her next question, however, put him right back on edge again.

"What would you suggest, then? To change things, I mean."

This was a serious conversation to be having with a slightly tipsy Inquisitor, and it was a dangerous conversation for an ex-templar to be having with his slightly tipsy mage lover. And yet, he could not bring himself to deny her an answer. They'd been having variations of this conversation from the beginning of their acquaintance. She'd even needed to get a little drunk to work up the courage to ask these questions, so they must be hard for her. He couldn't blame her. He could do with a bracing shot of whiskey right about now.

Cullen sighed as he gripped tighter at her waist and tried to organize his thoughts. He'd always assumed the resolution between mages and templars would rest in hands far more qualified than his own - such as the new Divine's. But the Inquisition was quickly becoming a powerful political organization thanks to their ambassador. His answer might carry more weight than he realized, and that scared him. She likely wouldn't be pleased by what he had to say, but he had to speak truthfully and from his own experiences.

"Some call the Circle a prison that can only breed resentment. Perhaps opportunities to work outside the Circle? A mixed military service, or healer's clinics with templar support? And there must be a safer way for templars to leave the Order. Templars can lose their memories to lyrium. Some call it a gift - to forget the failed harrowings, the demons." He looked away from her. "You know that some atrocities haunt me still. But to lose what good I can recall... I nearly lost my mind once. It is no gift."

Her eyes were troubled as he turned back to her. She pulled away from him, and after a moment's hesitation, he let her go.

"And yet, to me," she countered, "this seems even more reason to end the Templar Order. Why bind them to such a horrible fate at all? Mages can take care of themselves. Dalish mages such as myself have survived for thousands of years without templar interference. And you know... until the explosion at the Conclave, the only truly horrific thing in my life was caused by templars. Fiona has done a good job of leading the Inquisition mages without templar support. And if things are really so bad for templars, I wonder why we need them at all."

The rational part of his brain argued that her experiences might indeed lead her to such a conclusion, but the words still cut. Anger flared, and he responded in kind, his voice scraping harshly through the void between them.

"Tell that to the parents of a child who falls prey to possession. Mages cannot handle such threats alone."

The sudden heat and adrenaline that rose up between them nearly stifled him. She crossed her arms and leaned her hip to one side, her eyes narrowing on him with a steely glint of defiance.

Yes, this is a very dangerous conversation.

But it had begun, and he had no idea how to stop it without seeming as if he were dismissing her concerns - or burying his own. When she responded, her voice carried a forceful determination he'd only heard a few times before and usually only around the war table.

"Can they not?" she responded, a note of disdain coloring her previously hesitant tone. "Far more parents mourn the loss of their children to the Circle or try to hide their loved ones from the templars rather than lose them. How many of those possessions could have been avoided by simply teaching mages in the places they live instead of ripping them away from their homes? It's unnecessary."

Cullen's lip curled in answering derision, his hands fisting at his sides, his voice tightly leashed to prevent himself from shouting. "And when the people become overly frightened of the two or three mages in their midst, what then? Should we simply turn a blind eye to the deaths of those who could have been otherwise protected in a Circle?"

"Protected?! Is that what you call the likes of Kirkwall? The Gallows? The very name betrays the murderous intent behind the place. And don't even get me started on how many abominations could have been prevented by simply giving mages equal rights instead of treating them as prisoners."

"Circles are not supposed to be prisons," he tried to reason. "They allow for mages to learn from one another. Senior enchanters could often come and go on official business with little oversight. And young mages could be with others like themselves instead of ostracized as different or freakish. Tell me, why is that a bad thing?"

"Because they have no choice!" she cried. "Whether or not Circles were intended as prisons, that's what they became. You said it yourself - rounding up mages and forcing them into cramped spaces breeds resentment. And putting that many mages in a single space where their interactions with the Fade can do serious damage to the Veil, thinning it and drawing demons with the collective power of so many mages? It's madness!"

Cullen's anger faltered slightly as images of Kinloch flashed through his mind. His head throbbed insistently, the headache of a few moments ago blooming into a full-on migraine. The questions flooding his mind now were not new, though they'd only recently surfaced as he slowly came to terms with traumas long past: Would so many have died if they hadn't been locked in the tower together? Would anyone have become possessed at all? She seemed so certain...

He shook his head, using the simmering anger to push away the memories. He knew what he'd experienced. Mages could not deal with such things. He had to believe it. Otherwise... otherwise he and all the others had suffered and died for nothing. He paced away from her, his agitation requiring movement to keep it within manageable levels.

"I understand what you're saying, but the idea of no oversight... No, I cannot accept that. It's too dangerous! Look what we're dealing with now - magic running wild and threatening our very existence. Perhaps... perhaps properly Circle-trained mages could be allowed freedom in exchange for-"

"No!" Evana sliced a hand through the air. "Mages should not be imprisoned simply because we were born with a gift and then have to earn our freedom based on the whim of some Chantry lackey. Why can't you see this? It's so simple!"

"There is nothing simple about it!" he snarled.

"Yes, there is. Either you think mages are worthy of the same respect and freedom as non-mages or you think them inferior... you think me inferior." Her voice broke slightly as she asked, "Which is it, Cullen?"

"I don't..." he stumbled, her comments throwing him off balance. "I'm not talking about you. I-"

"I. Am. A. Mage," she hissed. "I am not an exception. I am no different from the rest. If you think of mages as inferior, as untrustworthy, you are including me. So which is it? Am I a person? Do I have the right to be free, or should I be locked up in a tower with all the other animals?"

Mages cannot be treated like people; they are not like you and me.

The words - his words from what seemed a lifetime ago - rose up out of the swirling confusion of thought to taunt him, and he cringed internally as truth dawned slowly despite the maelstrom of emotion. He'd set her apart. He'd relegated her to a "different" category, just as he had Dorian and even Vivienne. But those impulses still simmered under his skin - the knee-jerk reaction of mistrust, the feeling of impending doom when he thought of mage freedom, the desire to exert some sort of control over the uncontrollable.

He saw the flash of pain behind her anger and realized he'd taken too long to answer. He gritted his teeth and tried to regain some control over himself and the conversation, but trying to reconcile his thoughts on mages with his thoughts about Evana proved difficult.

"I... I do think mages deserve respect," he finally managed to grind out, "but their 'gift' as you call it has the power to harm far more people than a non-mage ever could. Their-"

"Our," she inserted in a forceful tone.

"Your..." Cullen looked at her, his irritation dipping briefly into despair as her truth - the truth? - continued to pound at the thick wall the Chantry had built around his values and moorings. Although weathered and eroded through the years, the walls held, and he knew he'd need more time to resolve the cognitive dissonance she'd forced him to acknowledge tonight. He shook his head, a surge of irrational resentment bleeding into his words. "Regardless of how I might feel, your powers are fearsome, and those powers out of control exponentially so. People will not simply accept mages among them because you will it."

"I am the Inquisitor. If anyone can do this, start us down the path, it's me. And why do you think people are frightened of mages in the first place, Cullen? Perhaps because the Chantry and those in power have taught them to be afraid? The Dalish-"

"Are not a sufficient example of how mages could be integrated!" Cullen snapped in a burst of frustration. He sucked in a breath and modulated his voice, immediately knowing his mistake and yet unable to keep his mouth shut. "Your culture is admirable, but it's a bit presumptuous to suggest your methods are transferable to a people with an entirely different set of cultural beliefs and values, don't you think?"

Her eyes widened in shock and then immediately narrowed to slits. "Careful, vhenan. You are sorely out of your depth. Have I not been immersed in both cultures? Do you think so little of me that you believe I would suggest something without first giving it proper consideration?"

Cullen took a step back at the fury in her gaze. Maker, he should not have said it. But then he should not have said half of what had come out of his mouth this evening.

"I'm sorry," he conceded in a low, even tone as he held his hands in front of him in supplication. "I went too far."

Her body relaxed the tiniest bit, and she jerked her head in a small nod of acceptance. Silence strained between them, and Cullen struggled with the despair steadily creeping up to suffocate his anger. They'd needed to deal with this fundamental disagreement, but he wished he'd been more prepared. Now, angry words had been exchanged, and she'd never seemed further away from him than in this moment.

Maker, was this the end? Would they fall apart over an age-old question out of sheer stubbornness? He pressed a thumb and finger into his temples. He had to regain control of his emotions. I cannot... Maker... I cannot bear to lose her...

"Even if some areas of training need modification, the base is sound," Evana finally continued in a slightly subdued tone. "Educating mages in the ways of magic doesn't require giving up lives and families. It just requires careful tutoring by a senior mage or two - as I had in my clan. I learned to control my power, but I was never restricted from seeing my mother or Vash'an or anyone else. The Chantry and the Order have cultivated a culture of fear around mages, but the vast majority of mages want to do good - or at the very least live normal lives. Those few who would do evil could be judged and monitored by other mages... or maybe... maybe a force of templars could guard those judged guilty of purposefully harming people with magic - but only after they have done so. And the children... those poor children..."

Her voice broke, and a fat, angry tear that had been glistening in her eye while she spoke finally rolled down her pale cheek. She looked down and swiped at it angrily, huffing out something in elven under her breath.

A single tear had never more effectively doused a fire. Her eyes locked on his again, the glistening depths pleading for him to understand, and he slumped slightly, all his remaining fight drowned in that single, passionate tear. That and her allowance - the possibility of a place for templars in her dream of mage freedom - placated him in no small way.

"Those children..." she finally continued in a wavering voice, "locked up for the rest of their lives, never to see their family again... At least for you it was a choice, though even that is debatable. For a mage... You would do that to your own child? You would allow them to be taken to a Circle... you would agree to never see your own flesh and blood ever again?"

His anger had already faded, but with the shock of this final retort came an additional flash of understanding. She was concerned about herself and the mages she'd taken in but also about any children those mages - or she - might have. She was appealing to his own sense of familial duty.

He didn't dwell on the fact that, if things progressed between them, any child of hers would also be his. That dream of his - of the life he and Evana might have after the Inquisition - hadn't progressed that far. He hadn't allowed himself to dream such a precious and terrifying thing.

He also didn't dwell on the disturbing fact that he wasn't sure what he would do if he had a mage child of his own. Six years ago, they would have gone to the Circle, no question. Four years ago, he would have balked until ensuring for himself that the Circle in question followed all proper procedures.

And now? Though the current lack of Circles rendered it a theoretical question, he simply didn't know. He would want to keep his own child, he was sure of that. But whether he thought it better for them to be in a Circle... for their own good...

"I do believe things must change, Evana," he conceded in a rough tone. "And I didn't mean to imply that my ideas were the only answers. You asked, and I spoke the first things that came to mind. If Fiona has methods for safeguarding free mages as well as non-mages from the dangers of magic, I would love to hear them... as would others in the Inquisition, I'm sure."

She stared at him, clearly trying to comprehend his sudden attempt at reconciliation. Then her arms fell listless to her sides, and her shoulders slumped forward, falling out of the taut, defensive position she'd maintained only a moment ago. Giving in to the urge, he carefully approached her, placing his hands tentatively on her arms as he used to do when comforting her in Haven... back before he could comfort her in other ways.

"Evana, I..."

He stopped, unsure of what to say. He did not agree with her vision of completely free mages, but he reminded himself that his objections were based on a lifetime of Chantry indoctrination. He'd not missed her implication that, even at eighteen, he might not have been in a right mind to make a decision about dedicating his life to the templars. It was an ugly, insidious thought he'd only recently allowed himself to acknowledge. He first reaction was still indignant denial of such a thing, but deep down he knew he'd eventually have to deal with the implications.

Not tonight, though.

"This is not a question we can answer in one night," he said gently. "I know we still disagree on many things, but... but I want us to keep talking. We... I'm willing to walk the path with you until we come to a mutually agreeable understanding. And I do believe we can come to an understanding. I promise to think more carefully on the subject in the future. I don't want-" He cut off as his voice broke slightly with emotion. He cleared his throat and continued on. "Evana, I don't want this to come between us. Can... can that be enough for now?"

She took a breath and gave him a weak smile. "Yes... Yes. I want... I want us to come to an understanding, too. I want that for us. I'm sorry if I came on strong, but you can appreciate my... passion on the subject, I think?"

"Quite well."

He dropped his arms back to his sides, hesitant to act on the urge to pull her into an embrace. A strange silence fell between them. She was quiet, but not in her normal way. It was... awkward and oppressive. Their fight - for it could be called nothing else - still hung in the air, tainting their tenuous peace with vague unease.

She looked down at the floor, her posture relaxing slightly but not enough for him to feel completely easy. The heaviness in the air closed around him, invoking a feeling of confinement and putting him on edge yet again. He found himself raising a hand the back of his neck to rub at the pain and tension gathering there as panic bubbled up in his already roiling gut.

After all that... what now?

He wished to ease the strain between them, however, so he took a deep breath and prompted softly, "Uh... there was something else you wished to talk about?"

"Oh... um... yes, it's nothing, really, but..." She shifted and glanced up at him. "Did you hear that Solas is back? He arrived a couple of hours ago."

Cullen stiffened as he read the nervousness in her eyes. Why was she nervous? Panic struck more forcefully this time. Taking a breath and forcing himself to relax, he spoke as nonchalantly as he could manage.

"No, I hadn't heard, yet. That's... good news. How is he doing?"

"As well as can be expected after losing a dear friend." She looked away from Cullen yet again and took a couple little breaths before blurting out, "I hugged him. When he came back... came through the gates... we hugged."

Cullen felt his jaw clench involuntarily. The hammer pounding at the inside of his head threatened to explode from his skull, exacerbated by their heated exchange, and now this. Why was she telling him, anyway? Unless... she felt guilty for some reason. That would explain the nervousness. But - Maker - what does she feel guilty about? He was surprised at the evenness in his own voice as he responded.

"Oh?"

"Yes. It was right downstairs in the courtyard. I didn't want you to hear it from gossips who'd make it out to be... something it wasn't. You know?"

Cullen let out a deep breath he hadn't realized he was holding. If that was all...

"You don't need to justify yourself to me, Evana. And you give many of your friends hugs. Why is this different?"

She suddenly started pacing. Oh... Andraste. The panic turned quite suddenly into a knife of jealousy sliding through his heart.

"It just... is. But... Fenedhis! I didn't mean to say it like that."

"Regardless, that is how you said it."

Despite intentions, his tone came out harsh, but he was barely keeping himself together. She glanced at him as she paced, and he saw her eyes glistening as she gestured wildly.

"I know. I can't help it! You're the one who... who I always talk to when I don't know how to deal with something. Or when I'm scared of something. You even told me... I have to talk through my fears and doubts! But... I know that's unfair in this case. I've always relied on you far too much. I shouldn't be talking about it... not with you. No matter what Cole says, it's not fair to burden you with it. But if not you, who? There's no one I trust as much as you."

She was rambling now, and he could only decipher bits and pieces of it. Most of it seemed gratifying. But the small part about "in this case" caused the knife to slide deeper. His breathing grew erratic as panic clawed at him, and he shook his head slightly. They'd never get to the truth unless they both calmed down.

Reaching out to stop her pacing, he pulled her to the chairs by the fire and sat her down. Then, he moved the table aside and pulled the other chair up until their knees touched when he sat down. Grabbing her hands, he looked her in the eye.

"You know you can tell me anything, Evana. Anything. Our previous... conversation should be proof enough of that. You can tell me. Even if it... even if I don't like it. I'd..." He swallowed and drew in a long breath in an attempt to ease the pain of his heart cracking open in his chest. "I would rather know the truth."

Her eyes went wide. "Oh... no! I don't mean... Andraste's holy teardrops! This entire thing is ridiculous!"

In spite of the seriousness, Cullen let out a nervous chuckle at her creative cursing. "Learned that one from Varric, did we?"

She gave him a pained half smile. "Yes. He's a bad influence... But... Cullen..."

The door handle rattled. Malia's muffled voice called out to him. He stood, checking the lock on the nearest door on his way. He opened the middle door, but before Malia could say a word, he cut her off.

"I'm occupied. Come back in fifteen minutes."

Confused and a tiny bit terrified, she started to back away. In the gloom of twilight, Cullen spied another messenger walking across the bridge toward him.

"On second thought, stay right here. Tell anyone who approaches that I am not to be disturbed for the next fifteen minutes. Or really, until I open the door again. Got it?"

"Y-yes, ser!"

Cullen closed and relocked the door and then headed over to the third door to lock it as well. He came back to the chair to sit in front of Evana and took her hands in his once again.

"You were saying?"

Her face was a strange mixture of warmth and disturbance, adoration and distress. She took a deep breath and began.

"I... I think... with the way Solas looks at me sometimes... the way he looked at me today..." She glanced away from Cullen and then looked back with a haunted expression. "I think he cares for me... in a... in a romantic way."

He felt his jaw clench again and let a heartbeat pass before he responded. "I know."

Her brows furrowed, and she blinked once, then twice. "You do?"

"He's cared for you probably as long as I have. I used to play a little game in my head about which one of us was more jealous of the other. I usually won. He seemed to have your attention more often... for a time, at least. He certainly saw more of you in those early days than I ever did."

Wide eyed, she blinked yet again. "I... I don't know what to say..."

Cullen shook his head, set his lips in a thin line and breathed out through his nose. He still held tightly to her hands, but she seemed to be slipping from his grasp. He felt powerless to stop it.

"All I need to know is... how do you feel about it?"

"Awful!" she answered immediately. "I didn't mean for it to happen. I never wanted it. I knew... I guess I knew there was a little something. Even since our first trip to the Hinterlands. It's why I've always been so careful around him. I didn't know it had gone so far - that he had continued to... But there's so much I can learn from him, Cullen! So much I've already learned about the history and lore of the People while talking and walking the Fade with him. I know him so well now - he's much more than just a mage. I've always felt like there was a deeper connection between us. I can feel when he's around without even looking. I know he can feel the same... but... Oh, gods! Cullen!"

Now he was the one pacing, his sudden dropping of her hands and movement away from her causing her exclamation. He couldn't take it. His stomach lurched and not just from the pounding in his head. The thought of her leaving him had always dogged him, nipping at the heels of every happy moment with her, but to have it be a real possibility? He felt sick inside.

He knew exactly what she was saying. A part of her wasn't his. A part of her belonged to Solas - might always belong to Solas. They had a connection. One that she'd never have with him because he was not a mage. In his bitterness, he nearly laughed aloud at the irony.

She got up out of her chair now, standing before him as he paced. Her voice dropped to a deadly quiet, her panicked breathing the only other sound in the room. He had to pause in his pacing to even hear her, and so he stood rigid like a statue, facing away from her as she spoke.

"None of that matters, Cullen. I don't want that with him. How could I when I have you? Whatever might be between me and Solas doesn't matter because what I have with you is so much more - infinitely more. I would never give you up - not by choice. And I... I only want you. You believe me, don't you?" Her voice descended into a hoarse whisper. "Please... vhenan..."

Her words soothed him, but he resisted her for a moment longer even as he knew he'd eventually give in. To be without her... it had seemed impossible before, but now, after everything they'd been through, it was unthinkable. Even knowing they had such differing values, even knowing there was a part of her he couldn't touch, that was out of his reach - even knowing all that, he couldn't fathom giving her up.

Her hand tentatively slid into his as he remained facing away from her. She circled around to stand in front of him, still holding his hand. His fingers involuntarily clenched around hers - whether out of a subconscious rebellion at holding out on her or simply a force of habit he wasn't sure. A tiny, hopeful smile played at her lips as she felt him grip her hand firmly. But it dissolved into a pained, pleading look the longer he remained silent. Finally, he closed his eyes and pulled in a shaky breath.

"Of course. Of course, I believe you."

She gasped and surged toward him, wrapping her arms around his waist. His own arms immediately closed around her, his gloved hands rubbing slowly up and down her back. He felt her body shake slightly and then heard the sharp inhale of a sob. Sorrow and concern replaced his lingering doubts as he gathered her even closer.

"Evana... darling... it's alright," he soothed.

"You shouldn't be comforting me!" came her muffled reply. "I don't deserve that. Ir abelas, emma lath. Ir abelas."

The final vestiges of disappointment slipped from him as he felt the firm reality of her there in his arms. Jealousy still wound a thin string around his heart, constricting his normal full feeling, but her quietly passionate words still echoed in his brain - I only want you. Tears threatened at the edges of his vision. It was enough.

"I have nothing to blame you for," he replied, "so do not blame yourself."

His arms tightened around her, and he simply held her as she cried. Eventually, her sobs died down to an occasional hiccup. He pulled back slightly and handed her a handkerchief before pulling her back into him and resting his cheek on the crown of her head. After another moment of silence, he finally spoke.

"What is... emma lath?" he asked quietly, testing the words on his tongue.

He knew his pronunciation wasn't quite right, but she didn't laugh. In fact, she didn't say anything for a long time. Finally, she mumbled something indecipherable into the handkerchief. He lifted his head and pressed a kiss into her hair, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth in spite of the heaviness surrounding them.

"What was that?"

Without looking at him, she raised her head slightly and whispered, "It... it means... ... my love."

Cullen's heart stopped and then thundered violently against his ribcage. The woman would be the death of him - scaring him with all this talk of magic and Solas... then calling him her love. It was basically like she was saying...

"Oh," he breathed.

It was all he could manage as her eyes turned up to meet his. She held his gaze for a long moment before her whisper cut through the silence.

"I... Cullen... ... I-"

Another knock sounded along with a muffled "Commander?" at the door nearest to them, and whatever she'd been about to say died on her lips as she looked toward the door. He recognized the voice of one of his lieutenants through the door and internally cursed the man for interrupting. But the moment was gone, anyway, and as much as he wanted to stay with her - Maker, how he wanted it - he had to get back to work. They were leaving the same day as the Inquisitor, and packing up and marching an army across Orlais required much more planning than four companions riding off on horseback.

He bent down and kissed her tear-stained cheeks. She sighed softly and leaned into his embrace.

"I'm sorry. I have to get back to work now, but... shall I..." He cleared his throat and kissed her soft lips to have more time to choose his words. "Shall I come see you tonight?"

She gave him the first genuine smile of the evening. "Yes. Please. I'd like that."

Cullen found her still in her clothes, passed out on her bed and smelling distinctly of Bull's liquor. He sat down on the edge of the bed, but she didn't move at all. Only her gentle snoring betrayed her continued status among the living.

So, she had gone back to drink more with Bull and the Chargers. He chuckled a little and then sighed. He'd allowed himself to hope that tonight might finally be the right time... But it was late, and realistically, he knew it wasn't ideal, even if she'd been awake - and sober. Then again, when would be ideal in the middle of a war?

The simple truth was that he loved her, and now, he thought she might truly... Maker, she might actually love him in return. Reconciling their differences would require work, but she'd agreed to stay with him and do that work. She'd been given the opportunity to choose another, but she'd chosen to stay with him. His chest constricted and his breathe came in short puffs simply thinking about it. She'd called him her love. Emma lath. He tried not to read too much into it. After all, it was a familiar term of endearment throughout Thedas. Perhaps she hadn't meant for it to carry so much weight.

However, every time she left him, it was entirely possible she would never return, and he wanted desperately to tell her and to hear the words from her in return before they all departed on the day after tomorrow. Could he say them now? In truth, he thought perhaps he could. He nearly had just a few days ago, but his fear had gotten the better of him. Now though... despite their differences, he now knew she would choose him above others.

But when would they find the time? He had just one more day to finish preparations for an entire army to begin their march across Orlais.

He sighed heavily once more and leaned over her, tracing a finger over her vallaslin as he had that morning. Not so long ago, he'd felt like an intruder in her room, but last night she'd welcomed him into her bed - asked him to stay. At least twice during the night he'd awoken disoriented, but her small movements and even breathing quickly reminded him where he was and who he was with. In those early morning hours, he'd pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

He leaned back, and she mumbled incoherently as he moved to the end of the bed and lifted her feet to unlace her boots. He smiled to himself. How many times had he done this now? He'd helped her to bed in her exhaustion, during her illness, and now in her adorable drunkenness. His hands glided gently, reverently over her calves and feet as he pulled off her boots.

She took a deep breath as he laid her foot back on the mattress. Her eyes opened, and her face broke into a wide, lazy grin. Her arms and hands beckoned to him.

"'ma lath, come t' bed."

He smiled and came over to sit by her side, taking her hands in his own. "In a moment."

She nodded, and her hands went limp as her eyes fell closed again. He looked her over and decided to leave her clothes for now. Her teasing that morning made him nervous to test her assertions of not wearing any smallclothes. In the back of his mind, however, he wondered how long it might be before changing her clothes became a lovingly repeated gesture alongside removing her boots. He longed for it as he longed for every comfort, every familiarity with her. Each one gained became more precious to him than the last.

Now was not that time, though. In fact, he pondered the wisdom of staying at all. This morning had been awkward enough passing by the guards at her door. Their faces had first registered confusion, then surprise, and finally a knowing, almost congratulatory glee. He was positive there couldn't be a soul remaining in Skyhold who didn't know that the Commander had spent last night with their Inquisitor. And they hadn't even done anything... yet.

Well, if the damage is already done...

Pulling off his own boots and, after moment's hesitation, his tunic as well, he slid into bed beside her and gently pulled her back against his chest. She murmured breathily again, and he let out a sharp hiss as she wriggled her backside to get closer to him. Maker...

Willing his body to stay calm, he wrapped his arm around the lithe form in front of him and thought fondly over the previous year of misunderstandings and reconciliations. In hindsight, he saw it all before him, every moment of tension, every doubt, every small gesture, blush or kind word interlocking with the next to create the present.

To his relief, their misunderstandings were fewer and farther between, but they still seemed to move forward in gigantic leaps. For days - weeks even - everything would appear to be flowing smoothly. Then, as with today, a small step forward in their relationship would cause a landslide. Perhaps that was simply the result of their limited time together. Non-private letters made it difficult to express any kind of affection while she was away, and their busy schedules left them little real time together... which was another reason why this felt so precious to him.

The fire popped lazily in the hearth as he adjusted the blankets. Comically, her bed was a bit larger than his, and he relished the way his feet didn't quite reach the bottom edge of the bed. His eyes drooped, but he forced them open. Tomorrow would be just as full as today, but he wanted to savor this moment just a little longer. However, exhaustion quickly overtook him, and he fell asleep to the soothing sounds of her quiet snoring.

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robininthelabyrinth · 7 years

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Legends of Tomorrow Rewrite Recap

So we had some brainstorming sessions to discuss what people might want to see from a re-write of season 2, both in terms of overall plot, specific suggestions, character arcs, new characters, new timelines, etc.

I know not everyone managed to make it, so here's the recap of what we discussed, boiled down a bit. Even if you didn't make it to a brainstorming session (or if you did and have thought of something else to add), feel free to reblog with additional suggestions or comments! The more comments, the better!

If people really want to, we can maybe do another brainstorming session tomorrow at a convenient time. Let me know!

I'm going to try to @ everyone who was there but...there were a lot and not all the names I was sure about for tumblr. so I'm going to miss people. Sorry!

@kickingshoes @daughterofscotland @delkios @pretzel-log1c @prouvairablehulk @pedestrianfootbridge @lacommunarde @agentmarymargaretskitz @hotforcaptaincold @hippothebrave @airydoorway @marywisdom @wacheypena @rubylis @pansexualfandomqueen @sanctuaryforalluniverses @cyberdigital @drownedinlight @cyberdigioriginal @its-like-looking-in-3d @screaming-towards-apotheosis

Recap under the cut:

Overarching plot: • Keep the spear plot, but make it good – just make it make sense and with consistent characters • Throw out the JSA, have the fragments show up earlier – the Legends don’t know what they are, just that they cause anomalies, but later they figure it out and have to race for the pieces • Keep invasion • Keep things gen with shipping “moments” for assorted ships so everyone can have fun • Plot theme: last season was destiny v free will; this season: free will and consequences • Emotional arcs: team bonding over their grief, team deciding that free will DOES trump fate and developing their own view of the timeline (what has to stay, what doesn’t) not just accepting Rip’s policy of non-interference, all the characters becoming less arrogant and realizing they can trust and rely each other resulting in team bonding and mutual reliance • Legion: comes together earlier, but as the team’s trust in each other grows the Legion’s distrust in each other is their downfall in the end (i.e. possible Mick betrayal but the team gives him the benefit of the doubt, thereby being able to work together to defeat the Legion which is destroyed when they each try to stab each other in the back for the spear)

Suggestions for plot/episodes: • Intro: once the Legends are scattered throughout time, one of them bumps into one of Kendra’s past selves and tells her the story, causing present!Kendra to remember it and go to tell Oliver; she meets Nate while she is there and the two of them go to rescue Mick from the sea (bridge from previous season) • Rip gets brainwashed and he is the one who directs the Legion to go get Len because he knows it would cause the Legends grief • More episodes with the Legion to learn more about the bad guys – let them be scarier and also take advantage of their humor; swap out Merlyn for female Legion of Doom member • Episode where the team has a moment to honor their dead (plot of the week related: Day of the Dead, Viking funerals, etc.), moment for them all to think about all the people they’ve lost – impromptu funeral/remembrance for Len • Possible experimental episodes (other POVs, time travel loops, etc.) • NO “time travelers inspire historical person to do a thing” episodes • Explanation of what happened with Rex Tyler, how he was sent back by Mick, have them look him up historically before going back to 1942 so they can deal with him appropriately • Utilize all the characters’ abilities (Ray as a businessman, Mick remembering Kronos and using his abilities as a thief for good, Jax’s skills at impromptu planning from being a quarterback, etc.) • New characters are told about Len and Kendra • Characters ask for information when reasonable (Gideon for facts, ask Constantine magic-related questions, ask Team Flash when they discover they’re dealing with a speedster – fine to have Flash team go “man, we have SO MANY speedsters, hard to really tell” in response, but they should ask); more interactions with characters from the rest of the DCTV-verse • More focus on the team as a team – group planning, disagreements on decisions, etc. instead of a captain dictatorially giving orders to their crew • More Easter egg references (Wonder Woman in WWII, Jason Blood in Camelot, Bat-fam in Gotham, etc.) even if the characters don’t show up • Actual confirmation, repeatedly, that Sara is bisexual, that Len is queer/pan, etc. • Multiple people as pilots/having skills used on the team

Individual Character Arcs: LEN: • Possible plot: If we keep hallucination Len, he should start earlier – possibly have that be Oculus!Len uanble to fully manifest, but Mick can see him for reasons relating to his time at the Vanishing Point or otherwise • Possible plot: 2014!Len is initially willing to join the Legion but eventually they cross a line and he refuses, leading to a Legion v Len standoff that they win, resulting in his brainwashing and eventual hard turn against the main cast • Possible plot: Oculus!Len vs. past!brainwashed!Len fight • Possible plot: trying to come back from the Oculus and from brainwashing (mirror Rip’s arc, Kronos’ season 1 arc); possibly needs to be put together from various pieces scattered through timeline • Suggestion: Have an actual funeral for Len; Lisa is actually told • Suggestion: gets carried by Mick at one point

MICK: • Still depressed, but the team sympathizes with his grief – he keeps others at a distance • Hallucinations highlight actual mental health issues he has – more references to his pyromania actually being a mental illness • Still gets a pet rat; uses his skills (fire, theft, Kronos, etc.); acts as the battle pilot of the ship • Possible arc: recovery from the events of season 1 (Kronos, Len); starts off distancing people but comes to open up/rely on others who are emotionally supportive of him; regaining his self-confidence and pride in his skills and sense of self; bonding with the team • Actually develops friendships with Ray, Sara, Amaya, etc. that persist across multiple episodes • Initially antagonistic with Rip and Stein, who are dismissive of him; eventually get over it

SARA: • Continues to sleep through history, both men and women; explicitly referenced as bisexual • Grief over Laurel is balanced against the burden of her new responsibility as Captain – balancing her instincts as a stand-alone hero vs. a team • Conflict between her duties vs. her desires (desire to kill Darkh and eventual decision not to actually makes sense and seems like she’s thought about it; NOT suddenly fanatical for the timeline) – develops a nuanced analysis over time • Arc: bond with team, recover from grief, struggle with how she feels about the timeline and modifications thereof, dealing with the burdens of stepping up to be captain of a team instead of following her own interests by herself • we can have Sara save Laurel, but then have to deal with the consequences and fallout, potentially kick-starting season plot points (trading spear pieces? Causing bad changes in history and innocent people die? Moral debate as to when you can bring someone back?); possibly Laurel is doomed to die sometime after in a worse way – is it worth bringing her back for that other death? Is it selfish? Sara actually struggling with this

LAUREL: • Some are in favor of bringing her back, others aren’t • If she comes back: gets dropped off elsewhere (Bludhaven? Possibly Earth-2?) to prevent paradox because bringing her back right away would cause a time quake • Need to figure out her role insofar as she’s coming back

JAX: • Arc: Growing up, more independence, confidence in himself and asserting his boundaries against the team, possibly a romance for an episode • More episodes not related to his race, all the brotps, possibly flirting with Lily Stein, more mechanic stuff, possibly a 21st birthday celebration

STEIN: • Arc: Needs to stop assuming his degree means he’s better, learning humility, academic learning isn’t everything, being helpless, compassion, ability to rely on people in the team • Stein's arc is learning humility, compassion, academia isn't everything, learning to rely on other people; learning to trust other people's forms of intelligence • Suggestions: crashes the ship when he tries to fly; more about Lily, more about Clarissa, with who they are as people - gets some perspective, gets his privileges checked; possible amnesia episode/overthinking episode; • Initially antagonistic with Mick but eventually they get over it and Stein actually apologizes • play up Stein being an ass earlier on, only for him to have a 'fall' and have to learn by season end • Possibly Lily as part of Stein’s arc: something in which he can’t help her but someone else can in part because they have a totally different set of skills

RAY: • Better partnership with Mick, bonding over losing a loved one • Arc: learning that he doesn’t have to change himself to be a hero; Lose the suit for a while and get to be the hero without it – uses other skills (science, business); realizes he doesn’t need it to be awesome; he can be the researcher while the suit is down; growing up and becoming less arrogant about knowing everything learning listen to other people instead of walking over them (privilege check); Ray trying out new “personas” – cold gun, etc. – and none of them fitting right • Comes to terms with the fact that he likes the idea of being a hero more than reality; he needs to learn the difference between what will help people and doing what HE thinks will help people • More competence, more geeking out • More Ray v Gertrude, people being impressed by Ray surviving in Dinotopia with nothing but boy scout experience RIP: • Arc: Finding out who he is now that time masters are gone – discovering what they taught him were lies – not being the one with all the answers anymore; figure out what he wants • Interactions with other Time Masters that act just like him; bounty hunters, etc. – facing up to terrible things he did that he thought were just normal adjustments • Rip doesn’t know about the spear in full because Time Masters were secretive/part of his story arc of not knowing everything – makes finding the compass more important • Recovering from long-term indoctrination – bonding with Sara over her time in the League; dealing with losing his family, starts off antagonistic but eventually bonding with Mick • Has to actually deal with being brainwashing – repercussions, actual emotional trauma about what he did (i.e. leading them to Len, hurting the team), etc. – him going from being disdainful of Mick, realizing that what happened to Mick was actually really awful, bonding with Mick about it • Learning to be a team player instead of in charge – in season 1, he treated everyone like lackeys, in season 2, he was saying he wasn't a time master anymore but still acting like one • New role with team: advisor, researcher, possibly navigator, guide to future; Should still go on walkabout at the end – needs to find himself; Possible lead-up to season 3 arc of becoming guide to all the lost time masters who maybe didn't know they were manipulated, like he didn't • Rip's arc: who is he without the time masters, learning that what he knew was lies and starting from scratch, being willing to try new things/learning to listen to and rely on others/team player

AMAYA: • Actually forms friendships with the team – Mick, Sara, etc. – no romance subplot; gets to grieve Rex • Actually from the 1940s colonized Africa; impressed by some modern tech but not all • Keep intro: Eobard kills Rex before he can go back to warn them, she goes onto ship and attacks Mick, but have the team call her out on that ALSO keeps the revenge motivation throughout • Arc: black and white morality goes to gray; less mission-oriented, goes from teammates to friends; could tie in with learning about colonization – less condescending about people doing things differently from her • Arc: recovery from grief, black/white morality to gray (learning nuance), learning to be friends not just teammates, learning to listen to others with different styles • She can be a historian instead of Nate if his role is reduced, based on her experience with the oral traditions of her village and having to learn British and American history to fit in better with the JSA – upon her return, becomes a historian/anti-colonialization activist

NATE: • Appears as a guest star for several episodes (the start, then maybe recurs later) – history grad student who was sheltered growing up who dreams of being a superhero, only to realize he actually prefers his life as a historian instead • Keeps his hemophilia but is heroic despite it • He was a history grad student working on his PHD – he has a piece of the spear and is therefore aware when history changes and is SUPER PISSED OFF because he has to re-write his whole thesis because history is different now, which is like a laptop wipe but worse; he is the ONLY person who remembers his thesis used to be ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE (history based on his grandfather who he idolizes so he KNOWS it’s wrong)

KENDRA: • They get scattered to the past, one of them finds an older version of Kendra and explains the situation, Kendra in the future remembers, she goes to tell Oliver (possibly meeting Nate there) and vouches for Mick and others – Oliver remembers her from the joint intro episode; sets up the crossover interactions • Possibly recurs again, possibly they meet a past version of her

LISA: • Comes on for an episode or two, possibly only marginally related to Len (end of her episode: find something of Len to indicate that he’s scattered through time?) • Could be brought in during Invasion and stays on board for an episode OR gets picked up for a job then gets dropped off during the Invasion episode • Picked up for a Lisa-specific skill like ice skating or theft

Suggested new characters: • More Jonah Hex • Jason Blood in Camelot • Constantine • Zatara • Dr Fate (helmet in Constantine’s place) • Booster Gold (possibly just references to him repeatedly) • Future versions of Flash characters • Endless – possibly with characters meeting them but not realizing what they just met • Mentions of Batfamily • La Maupin • For an episode set in the future: meeting the group that is Commander Cold, Mirror Monarch, etc. and seeing Mick’s reaction

Suggested new time periods: • Keep Chicago and American Revolution • Pirate episode – Ray loves pirates, Mick loves ninjas, they bitch at each other about it; possibly Ching Shih or at least Anne Bonny • Japanese Feudal era (ninjas) but better – address issues with language (kakopumpkin) • Camelot but better • Tudors – Kit Marlow • Stonewall episode • Great Fire of London or Paris Commune or Library of Alexandria – possibly Mick has to re-start • Vikings • Aztecs but not horribly stereotypical • Past of Amaya’s village, Ibn Battuta • World’s Fair • Boxer Rebellion, Marco Polo • More in 20s/30s – mobsters, flappers, Eleanor Roosevelt • More in the future • Ancient Roman Republic (ancient Greece/Atlantis) • Nicola Tesla • WWII – possibly Rommel instead? Or Japanese front? • Six Day War/Raid on Entebbe episode • Austro-Prussian war – Luxembourg sending 80, returning with 81 • Red Scare episode? • Something in Latin America • Ottoman empire? • Crusades but fighting alongside Saladin or against the Fourth Crusade • New Zealand stuff • Episode with Jax going out drinking for 21 birthday and everyone else having to explain why they wrecked the ship, flashbacks to them being attacked Alien style, but it turns out it was just the rat which accidentally got into some of Ray’s shrink/grow tech (based on JLI episode?)

#lot rewrite #dc's legends of tomorrow #legends of tomorrow

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kendrixtermina · 7 years

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My Abuser’s been convicted

He’s not going to jail, though he did get a sentence on probation. But he’ll have to spent years working on a remore Island to pay off the fines & debts. It’s as if he were going to jail.

If weren’t if it was just this, like, he didn’t get convicted for the actual abuse but more a peripheral consequence thereof that came back to bite him.

My emotions are kind of in a twist over this & how this fits into the moving on with my life.

TRIGGER WARNING

The Backstory

He’s not being convicted for abuse - indeed, the best thing I can say about him is that he never broke a law. Never left any bruises, never did outright improper touching, kept me fed & provided with material possesions adequate to our overall living standards... and treated all this like it was something he deserved a badge for, or a horrible undue burden I had imposed on him.

He had so little of a personal connection to him, most of what I know about his life I puzzled together from his few non-horrible relatives and what my mom was told. I never knew he played chess though I took an interest in it in third grade which came to an end over a soul-crushing experience. I didn’t know where he was in the birth order ( Second Born - Which makes some things about how my brother and I were treated and even named very creepy) I only recently found out that his father cheated with & eventually remarried a woman my father’s own age. There’s another thing I can’t disclose for ethical reasons, but, he kept humiliating me in situations related to my mathematics grades till he squeezed all joy out of the subject for me and in the context of what I know it proves that he just never had the slightest shred of empathy for me.

Well, a parent is supposed to protect their children from their own bad experiences. Not recreate them out of sadism and jealousy. Heck, Im pretty sure he only f***d my mother to breed smart children that would perform well academically, never stopping about how his family is all academics, alternating between calling me stupid & inept, a lazy waste of talent or a person who was “smart but heartless”. I’m nothin but an object to him. He has:

Threatened that my mom would kill herself if I don’t do his bidding.

He’s forcibly grabbed me and showed his hand into the cleavage of my dress to supposedly show off to my mother how innapropriate the dress was.

Expected me to hug & comfort him after spats with my mother. What am I his girlfriend?

He’s reacted to me being bullied (and once even coerced into undressing by bullies!) by blaming and mocking me. I can still hear him calling me a clown, an embarassment and a “Make-Me-Laugh-Thing” and going on on how I basically couldn’t expect anything else

He called me a “rotten pile of nazi entrails” at age 11 for being unhappy enough to consider running away

He pushed me toward hobbies he liked & then tried to push the same ones onto one of my sisters, essentially “replacing” me post puberty.

He’s continued to threaten to leave us & replace us with adopted children because we’re supposedly such “ingrates”

. If you cry in front of him, he’d accuse you of “threatre”.

I’ve heard my mother cry about how his eyes would never sparkle as much for anything related to his family as they did for his job, how she knew he didn’t love her, was afraid he’d leave her without money & only valued her as a baby factory. He tried to push her into adoption & terrorized her children to pressure her. I’ve come home to constant arguments and objects being thrown around.

When I graduate from highschool a year ahead, he say there was “nothing to celebrate” because it wasn’t all As & proceeded to humiliate me in front of my siblings.

He would frequently tell lies about me to my family (Sometimes I have nightmares about this)

He’s been known to throw me me into walls as a teenager

Once, while he did that, my head very narrowly missed a hard metal radiator. that night, I crept into bed with my mother at the age of 14 because I was so terrified he’d KILL me. Now I know that he never would have, but he kept going on about how everything was dangerous & filled our heads with fear & how we’d kill our siblings if they as much as bumped into hard objects and he said that exact same thing over and over again, “Careful with hitting your heads”.

I was kept locked & isolated from other children & forbidden from leaving the house or going on school trips/ sllepovers until age 11

Blame me for everything that went wrong in the family (including one time one of my sisters - then a toddler! - gave herself a second degree burn. )

Destroyed my favorite toys to terrorize me, repeatedly threatened to kick me out or destroy my computer with all my writing on it

Never read anything I wrote, called it “satanic” and that it was “all lies” because I “knew nothing about people”. Repeatedly shamed me for my introversion & used it against me

called me ugly, crazy, fat, selfish, inept, stupid, a tool, immoral... anything in the book. After a while he noticed that “inept”, “selfish”, “pointlessly rebellious” and “easy to provoke”, as well as terrorizing my mom & siblings hurt the most & weaponized the shit out of it.

Said I would never get laid & how ugly and unfuckable I am. Yes my own father.

Once I DID get laid, of course... well, he didn’t use the word slut but he basically called me a slut.

Bisexuality is a phase, liberalism is a phase, atheism is a phase... I am a phase, because apparently, he gets to decide what the real me is that he supposedly “loves” despite repeatedly equating queer people with pedophiles atheists with nazis and sex out of wedlock with degeneracy.

Tried to have me institutionalized/removed from the family over bogus claims. They ran all possible tests & didn’t find anything, not that I found this out until years later... years that I basically spent resigned that I was some kind of defective mutant freak incapable of bonding with other humans and basically hating myself from ages 9 to 13. (As to how I survived and what happened at age 13, I’ll just say “Art, Sarah and the Internet” and “Neon Genesis Evangelion”, respectively)

The constant condescension, dismissiveness, mockery, and twisting of my words

Et cetera et cetera; That’s only what I’ve been unable to forget.

Think Humbert Humbert if he liked adult women & had his creepy obsession with procreation instead of youth. The exact same self-serving pretentiousness. That’s him. That’s exactly him. It’s like his throat spits acid instead of words; I used to say that if the happiert person in the room listened to him long enough, they’d end up suicidal. Or, if we go for maximum hipster, this hits the nail on the head:

But very later I have learned

To accept some friends of ridicule

My whole existance is for your amusement

And that is why I’m here with you

To take me with your eyes

Given how tumblr’s full of terrible stories of families where sibling bonds were poisoned & people wound up with depression, anxiety or CPTSD I got off pretty fucking lightly with my damn procrastination/self-motivation problem (by the way a very common result of controlling or stage parents.) that I might be kinda sorta getting a grip on. Helps that I had at least one decent Parent.

20 years I constantly felt like I was totally replaceable. The man definitely wanted his money back on me, or whatever stepford robot daughter he expected to get when he first put his filthy dick into my mom.

Every single frustration is his life (that still ended with him being a wealthy, respected Doctor, mind you) he took out on me and the others. But he hated me the most (Though he was pretty shitty to mom and Isabel, too. The others, he simply neglected. Both sucked in its own ways.)

When I was younger, all I wanted with all the inrresponsibe childish stuff I did at times was just for him to get that he HURT me, not for his sake, but my own, to prove that I EXIST have FEELINGs as more than an object basically.

I never wanted his approval or love (I rather had the opposite problem that I felt gross doing thins he might approve of) in fact I felt uneasy around him early on and my first memories of him are of him treating me capriciously and pushing me to be his mini-me. (By contrast my earliest memory of my mom involves songs and funtime in a garden and her explaining to me what a tulip is), but I guess I thought I had to “win” and prove my reality to him.

I read up on narcissistic abuse on the web, I saw an university councellor who implored me to move out, but the decision was mine, when I ascertaind my theories so to speak. I realized that it was not that I was explaining badly or failing to be stoic enough, but that he was provoking & playing sadistic games with me. I was talking to someone who was going “lalala” and using everything I said or revealed as a weapon against me. I was just exhausting my energy there, and making my feeling catharsis & justified depending on his fucking aknowledgement. Thee’s no convincing someone who’s actively refusing to hear.

When I realized that he would rearrange reality to fit is view of being alwys right, saw in full awareness how uch he bent and warped his story to suit his whims no matter what I said, that my revenge fantasies had value of catharsis without having to be implemented in real life, that they were, in fact, wasted on him, I left.

I realized that he was the only one who treated me as worthless and how much my other relatives loved me. I found out that I am perfectly typical specimen of a somewhat uncommon but not altogether outlandish personality type.

On the occasions that we met, I did my best to ignore and avoid him, and he’d try to force me into interacting with him on the pretense of “politeness” and did the usual “Your bad for not forgiving me” shtick.

After a while, I reached the point where I could mostly forget about him and not spiral into this blood vessel popping rage every time something reminded me of him. It was nice to not be mocked or yelled at or have new things I liked spoiled by him. I actually lost a bunch of weight just from all the frustration-induced-comfort-food-binging and family-dinner-avoiding-late-night-snacking i was no longer doing. Getting rid of him must have added years to my life.I’m sure moving out added years to my life But I didn’t want to give up on the things he already spoiled & posoned with impossible expectations, so I was still living with the consequences of what he did to me every day while he wasn’t.

Sometimes he came up as a logical cause - and nothing will change that not even this new developement - even though I tried & reached a point where im bored of discussing him and just want to forget he exist/ not think about him

So what happened

Well, what happened is really fucking poetic.

You can’t come up with this shit.

Sometimes RL writes the best stories and outdoes all fiction, or perhaps fiction authors understand the human condition well enough.

Tax fraud. He’s in trouble for tax fraud. Exept, he frauded no taxes. He pushes all his paperwork, organization and finances off to his wife and has been doing so for years. Can’t even make a bank transaction, never bothered, never lived on his own. Used to call it “traditional family” and “archieving more as an unit” but what it actually is is, he does his job (which he enjoys way more than wife or children) and mom does everything else, including part of his job - not the actual doctorring, but, he ouht to have paid a secretary for everything she’d do. He’d monopolize her for hours to talk job. We had only one parent, except when he came home, then we had zero parents.

Finances, Parenting, Housekeeping, her own job... all this was done by mom. Lazy bastard never lift a finger, and everyone thinks he’s such a hard worker. He sure does he’d never shut up.

So, my mom’s sister got struck with horrible disease, going from a hard working single mother to complete invalid in a matter of months. Terrible injustice, because she was a really good person. So, at the same time, the financial crisis hits spain - no jobs or future for her daughters. no help from their father cause he was a serial deadbeat. So, what my mom did was, reevacuate them all to Germany. They have their own place now, one of my cousins is now a nurse & earning her own cash for the family, but, at first, his meant having four extra people living in our house one of which was running up huge medical bills, two girls, my aunt and my grandma, all eating, showering, needing everyday commodities...

My mom says in hindsight she should have taken a loan but what she ended up doing, perhaps carelessly, was give false numbers on her tax returns. To feed & care for her sick sister and unemployed family members/ now functionally parentless nieces, get the good education and stuff.

She blames herself a lot more than I blame her; It was kind of a “chaotic good” act IMHO, if there’s a price there’s a price I see they can’t have everybody not paying taxes, but, she did it to FEED HER FAMILY, like, people are more important than money. I believe she was justified there (or I guess that’s my chaotic neutral showing).

But - She was beating herself up over this & possibly risking the house loans & getting her husband into trouble - it was his money after all, police came & pretty much raided their house for the money, it’s a wealthy Doctor so they think he pocketed the cash for simple ol’ greed and blew it on gold chains or cocaine or something. Nope. He had no clue. (does he ever? He doesn’t know basic shit about any of us.)

That alone didn’t do it - Instead, I suspect he rather enjoyed his favorite game of playing martyr and my mom, having a conscience, was gonna take full responsibility and accept jail.

But here’s the kicker: They didn’t buy it. No one would believe that he wasn’t in on it, that he didn’t know what he was doing with his own money. They thought he was blaming his wife to save himself. That he pushed everything onto his wife to the point that he has no clue about his own finances seemed so silly they didn’t buy it. Like many times when I complained about him, his level of jerkass was believed to be too ridiculous to be true - It seemed more likely to them that my mom was simply taking one for the team. Personable, humbly pudgy lady, hardhearted slimey smartass who get lawsuits for being callous to patients before? Who’d you suspect of tax fraud? All the times I heard “Well he’s a doctor and you’re just a crazy little girl” turned upon their head.

Irony is he’d never do it. And I say that as someone who hates his guts. Same reason he’ll brag about how women dig him and the children he makes but would never actually cheat - He’s too in love with the idea of his own rightheousness. He’s too proud. It’s what his ego is built on. In contrast to his wife, he’s all about them rules wether they’re moral or not.

And, this is my suspicion because I didn’t wanna pry here, but, I guess he acted like not dumping her over this meant she’d sold him her soul, the usual “ingrate” shtick he pulls whenever he’s displeased- He must have said something outrageous and kellyanne conway levels of reality-bending -

And mom flipped. At least, she says things happened to make her spill things she’d held back long. I’m not sure if she said this or if he arrived at this on its own, but, he seemed to arrive at the conclusion that this would not have happened if he hadn’t pushed everything onto his wife & actually been there for her.

As my mom puts it, lots of stuff came together - an ex-co worker conspiring to run out of an old job, me not talking to him, the tax problem... and he couldn’t find a rationalization other than “You’re an animal and there’s a point to what everyone is saying”, and perhaps for the first time, he saw reality. She says it got through to him what he did not me, and by extension what he did wrong with everyone else. Apparently, things have been rather different since that day.

He’s actually staying out of my way. I don’t have to worry about him inviting himself to my wedding. He’ll be working at the new job he took to collect the money he owes the ministry of finance, but isn’t insisting that my family comes along. So often, he dragged us across the country for his career & took us all away from our friends, but it seems that this time, my sisters get to keep their friends & mom gets to get the new job where she holds a leading position & is well respected. She even said he’d understand if he’s missed that particular train for good.

Also when little Jana came to visit him, he seemed to actually spend time with her & organize a great & eventful holliday for her.

At least, that’s what my mom says. I’m so use to his fake promises of change, his false remorse, and his flashy gestures of ingratiating behavior - How would anyone ever know the difference for sure?

Especially the vacation for the child, he’d dne things like that before (regardless of wether the children actually enjoyed what he’d planned for them), flashy gestures to prove his “goodness”. flimsy words that “everything will be different”.

I just don’t want to engage with it personally.

But you know what makes me believe something changed? Because the person telling me this was my mom, speaking in her own voice - It’s not the dictated Voice Of God(TM), his majesty demanding that everyone accept his version of reality or accept the label of a selfish terrible person.

It’s her own perspective that I’d sometimes hear when she was angry, a perspective that’s more optimistic than mine & wants to see the good in people; She doesn’t agree with me on everything, she still thinks his deeds were the product of ineptitude rather than malice, entitlement and objectification, but, it’s not like I need her to agree with me.

The difference is still startling. That wasn’t his Paradigm or what I had experienced so far at all, looking at me leaving as a selfih capriciousthing I did to hurt them or he helping my fuckup self out and i better be grateful.

She told me instead to convey her utmost thanks to the therapist lady and that moving out was one of the best things that ever happened (!!!), that this was super strong, mature & unexpected of me(aparently she and grandma had written me off as the family spinster and liable to set myself on fire besides XD ...Fair enough, actually, there were quite some misadventures ^^°) That she thought I even looked different since then when my facial muscles weren’t all contorted in anger & more of a glow beingthere (which she attributed largely to my fiancé so far - and sure, he helped. I cannot stress the awesome enough.)

There was a total aknowledgement that I didn’t owe him shit and that the shit of the past justifies my not talking to him, no pressure, no judgement, no hope or expectation that we would ever get along, just - there were more gushy positive things that I can remember right now. I don’t wanna toot my own horn, it’s just what happened.

And I’m not sure what to do about/with it.

What now

It’s a strange feeling and I’m still processing it. I’m only now writing post though I’ve known about it for a few days. I’ve just been doing things, talking to peeps etc....

In true 5 fashion I couldn’t interact with my BF after that and took a long nighttime walk for cooling/processing (I talked to him right after that tho)

It might seem callous - but, I’m unable to feel anything other than callousness towards this person, because else I could not have survived his constant guilt tripping. The dude just activates my eight, if you pardon the typology speak.

All I feel is “Serves you right.” Serves you right for being two-faced, bit ya in the ass didn’t it?

Because, he spent all this time convincing the world he was this perfect person, and now they all believed him, and there’s no way Mr. Perfect don’t do his own taxes.

I understand that it is objectively wrong for someone to be convicted of something he didn’t do. Maybe this is a childish idea of vindictiveness or justice, but, at its heart, that’s not what it’s about. It’s just that in a way it’s a validation of my reality and that I wasn’t making him up, things I kept saying... “If you don’t wanna leave him, then let him do his own laundry for a few weeks”

It’s that it was for years like everyone thought he was perfect and I was the only one who could see his filthy side and now it’s out in the open. I hit him back. I made him understand. I got him to ignore me back/ leave me in peace. I helped my family be treated better - as a child, I had a hard time accepting that I couldn’t do that, that it wasn’t my place and that the last thing my mom needs is someone else asking her to pick sides or telling her what to do. It was a hard, humbling maturation process with ongoing slipups there to, like, detach, and leave it t me siblings & mom what was their business & none of mine and respect their choices.

I stopped caring about the other things, too, at least, when I left. I didn’t want or expect him to ever aknowledge my world, my perception or feelings. It’s kind of some of the things I wanted once but didn’t want to want anymore and even if I did, it’s all burned & charred and I’ll never be able to show that person the trust necessary for an intimate relation, not after all the lies, fake apologies that couldn’t be bought without accepting that he was right bout everything after all, and all the emotional expressions so far being used as tools to hurt & control me. I still have nothing in common with him nor any reason.

After the conversation, I felt... purged, the awknowledgement that I somehow do have power, but at the other hand, this doesn’t really change anything for me.

If he changes - great for him. Great for the family members still attached to him. But I don’t care about HIM, I have to care about me because he never did and nothing changed for me.

The scary shadow that’s embedded itself in my consciousness so much I still hear it after 2 years of avoiding the man (half of which has been spent happily engaged) may no longer have any sort of physical counterpart in reality.

So what does that mean for me? theres not a real enemy to push against. or there may or may not be it shouldn’t depend on tht. its not like i believe or need to believe in automatic karma

All in all, I have a feeling like World War II just ended and the Americans just arrived. On the one hand the bad guy were punished... not perfectly, but enough, hard enough to make them look pitiful, I’ve survived, but everything is still in ruins and irretriavably decimated.

I never want to say never because I aknowledge that it is always possible for me to learn - I thought it was unlikely I’d ever get married and even less to a man, but I said it might be possible, and now ive come across this situation and this person where it makes perfect sense and is totally worth it. If I had said “cia, doesn’t fit my profile” the moment he suggested it, I would have missed this.

Then again, I also hold that conflating 0% sure and 99% sure is one of the great errors of humanity - there is such a thing like reasonable doubt but that does not mean knowing nothing. Knowing almost everything is not knowing nothing. its just a fact of how our universe works sometimes - what is the position & impulse of an electron at any given moment? Can’t say, it’s uncertain to a measurable degree.

We can’t disprove that there isn’t a big pink sucker on the backside of pluto but we have no reason to suppose it either.

And at that level of certainty,have to say I would be unable to forgive the man or even feel anything other than hatred toward him if he wore the crown of thorns

I can’t ever trust him & emotionally reveal myself to him, too often has he twisted my words. It’s not about being obsessed with him either - there’s 7 billion peeps on this planet he’s welcome to make friends with im just not one of them. I’m generally not friends with people just for the heck of it.

I mean, I get it. Mom says she may have been too hesitant to let me go, the counselling lady said something in that direction, I might be biased as her daughter, but, actually, I think she was right in her estimate/ justified in that reluctance, like, I get it, I’m a vaguely shizoid hyperdweeb and peopling is hard for me. Even if this high grade quality snowflake relationship there’s work - as hthere always seems to be, realistically - and don’t have this natural sense for what people expect.

But though I reserve the right to declare this some premature epiphyny just in case and for personal effort, I’m... and a spent a while debating & deliberately decising the word choice here.... beginning to dare think that I might be able to like, handle that & make peace with it like I’ve made peace with my inner unapologetic snowflakey emo child back in my teens.

#emotional abuse #feelings

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happymeishappylife · 5 years

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10,000 POSTS (WOW!)

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, but seeing as this is a crazy milestone to hit, I had to. And to start it, I just want to say thank you! I know not all of us interact on here as I believe the reason Tumblr exists truly is for lurkers to find and enjoy other lurkers company, but I love you all just the same. To those who have reached out, thank you too! I always love getting nice messages and I’ve had some pretty incredible connections, that I never would have guessed was possible. But amazingly, there’s 329 of you who still have me on your dash, and that’s honestly incredible.

My catalog of my ‘happy years’ has definitely had its ups and downs. (As life typically does, of course). I used to steadily post here five times a day, update every 100 posts, stay on an imaginary schedule... But then life happens, some ruts happens, a Tumblr apocalypse or two happen, hiatuses occur, but yet here I am and I’m here to stay no matter what crazy rollout the staff decide to send out next. Partially because this blog is a window and eye into who I’ve been and what’s been important to me during the years and honestly, that’s pretty incredible.

I’m still enjoying life. I’m still working for the same company although I feel like a fork is about to come up soon as I continue to find the right path in my career. I’m doing my best lately to give back to my community, help others where I can, and I’m hoping to figure out a way to do that through designs because that’s honestly what feels right to me. In the meantime, I’ve learned just how valuable I am to my company and try to do my best, despite the stress sometimes. I’m also working on my professional license which will be the first step into whatever comes next.

I’ve also learned over the past few years really truly who I am and how to define myself and for that I’m forever grateful. I think I still confuse people by being on my own and doing my own things, but in all honesty I have fun being me and I really did stop caring what people think of me a long time ago. Being comfortable in your own skin is hard and so I understand why people struggle with it, but I hope everyone gets that opportunity because knowing it now, I feel is going to help me in the long run.

I’m also reintroducing doing things I love and one the ones I hope to get back to this year is travelling. Not because its glamorous, but I’m really curious to see the world and see how other people live their lives and celebrate their cultures. That’s honestly the best part of travel and I miss it, so I hope I can get back to it soon. But in the meantime, I love that I’m also discovering that through the people I meet and hang out with which reminds me just how connected we all are.

All in all, I’m grateful to this blog, to my followers, and to anyone who randomly finds it. I’ve done a lot of growing on this blog and survived a lot of things while sharing bits of my life. We’ll see how long this ride goes, but cheers! Here’s to the next 10,000!

#10000 posts #wow #milestone #update #me #blog

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ahlam-rania · 7 years

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The Top Seven Advantages Of Enrolling In Makeup School

By Amy Jones

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The Top Seven Advantages Of Enrolling In Makeup School via B numbr1 site=tumblr">IFTTT

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thelibraryshow · 7 years

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When you realize

Don’t bother to check Facebook. If they were your friends, they’d call or you’d make plans to do something. Friendships are not sustained by a thumbs up. Those aren’t my friends.. I’ve just known them for a long time. They have little or no idea what my daily life is like, even those I’ve known for almost 20 years. I actually pay attention and pretty much know what they’re up to IF anyone still posts anything real, non-commercial, or non-self promotional. It’s mostly reposts. I don’t even look at people’s pages, I don’t need to see another airbrushed, perfectly lit “candid” of your conventional family, the one you finally built, or your new car- the ford you’ve always dreamed of. I don’t really care about your favorite cartoon and I’m not buying your Tupperware, your paintings, and I’m pretty sure now hat we can choose precisely what we see, I’m on exactly nine lists. How do I know this? I always get nine likes. 23 if it’s something you have to like; a picture of your mom or someone who died young, anything military, your ugly new baby or anything nature-centric. Whatever the trend is, they will “like” it. Give it a try. Tumblr… well, I like the anonymity. This is the kind of stuff you’d share with your FB friends in the past or tell them over lunch in the way, way past. My real stuff got me alienated. I know the exact post that blackballed me with my white friends enhanced my standing with my black friends. My Asian friends love perfection, innovation and art. Girls? Depends on the girl. Guys? I don’t post pictures celebrating how many turkeys I bagged or the antlers of all he bucks I killed this year so… In my flesh & blood life, I get it! The people I’ve been close to the last year split when they figure out I’m really not going to show them how awesomely comfy by bed is.

I’m confused about all of this. From a thriving, overwhelming social life that just fell on top of me to a social life populated with users, losers and people who want to “chill”. I finally figured out that chill is code for sex in certain circles. Yeah, who knew? Not me, because I don’t speak American slang.

I’m lonely as fuck but id almost rather the only people I spoke to today were my mum, Aiden and a few cashiers. The cashiers were friendly enough & my family is always there… if I make the first move. Think I prefer my mother & the cashiers most days. No baggage. I’ve been a hardcore wardrobe slut since I bought my first bespoke blazers to comply with the handbook from my first boarding school. In this big Japanese house, my dressing room is between my room and the library. Typical living room size. I lounge there... I feel the hand-woven vintage fabrics, the suedes, the furs. This room feels more mine than my studios. Because however I want to present myself on a given day is neatly folded and hung behind glass doors? No, because I like shopping and this room is designed as a shopping experience. Mirrors surpass my 6'2". Rack piece of furniture Is a one off, designed for, imported by and beautifully crafted by five generations of my family. The library and every other room are similar. Does anyone know what it feels like to live in a museum spanning early 18th century to landmark mid century modern to early American? Carefully curated. It's everything and exclusively what I want to live with. Nothing more. It has to be... because.. .

I'm Working on getting accustomed to life without much human interaction. But then I’ve been working on that for a decade. I’m very social. How do I extract that trait?

People who like me like me a lot. Too much. People who don’t like me never say so, they just do shitty things- like when your cat gets pissed and poops on your bed. That’s never happened & my cats live in pure feline luxury as do my guests. People rave over my house. My cats? I give them what I used to give people I cared for. Time, attention, whatever they need or want. Try that with most humans. Turns out I don't draw convincing boundaries.

I used to have a lot of money. I spent it freely. I entertained, I traveled, I collected, I surround myself with lush gardens, and at times, gilded interiors. literally. I picked up the bill and ordered the cars... I spent extravagant sums on my art practice. Those same friends either bought or stole so much art I don’t even exhibit anymore. I design and redesign my gardens. Extreme gardening is a great replacement for interactions but even that garnered unwanted attention so, I opened my gardens to the public to raise money for a cause that didn't save one life, feed one person or clothe one kid, though the public library was something I did believe in before I realized they have never been short one dime.. 400 people in my garden, a years preparation.. in return I frequently looked out my window to see a couple of little old ladies treating my space like a public botanical garden. It was amusing the first couple of times. Then I moved.. and took the garden with me. Every tree, every stone. It took six months to relocate an extreme landscape, but it was satisfying. My extraordinarily well heeled gardener had quit by then. Work wasn’t his thing.

I’m alone in my new house. It’s mostly glass and big windows. It’s open with secret passageways between rooms and I love it more and more. I've become attached though not necessarily secure. I know I’m on the clock. Counting the days till I relocate this landscape too. My sources for hedging material and anything related to anything I do have pulled away, so, don’t ask how I obtain my materials. I haven’t figured out if I’m awful or if people like me who always have funds but no visible means of earning those funds are seen with suspicion. A few people continuously try to figure it out. They never get it quite right & the few I told didn't believe me so I never told anyone again.

I’ve been dating someone new. He doesn’t call, he’s autistic, he thinks he’s in love with me… or he did last time I saw him. He too wants something quite physical so I can’t see it surviving summer. It’s okay though, I’m getting good at resisting attachments. It’s painful. I suppose hermits gradually grow thicker skin? Or are they sad, miserable people numbing themselves to what they desire? I’ve Met numb people. They’d given up. They were like me; they never fit in and weren’t willing to sacrifice what they loved about themselves or what alienated others.

So, full circle? I resist attachments and can’t recognize a friend when it appears. I really am preparing to be alone. A hermit more or less. The weird cousin or uncle who’s never around. “ I’m not around because hearing how unusual and exotic I am got old the first time you observed it”.

Kinda lonely. Trying to become accustomed to it. Im to young and I still want... Replacing people with rare plants. I miss being center stage. I miss clubbing all night. I miss making pasta for a house full of people. I miss sharing my house, my food…my music especially. I miss making art in my studio. I miss my big family. I miss the illusion of friendship. I miss my one friend who knew everything about my favorite subject: art and design. I miss my crew: the people you never see by day.. because we’re resting up and shopping for something to wear out the next night. I miss long conversations about ancient, obscure books. I miss my friend Greg. The only solace is he died a year ago. Solace because we never split up. We watched every pre-1950 movie we could get our hands on. We spoke the same language, usually obscure references to films no one in any other part of my much compartmentalized life will ever know. I miss Greg. I miss NOT feeling like this. Crying, but nothing comes out. If I could have a good cry, I think I’d feel better. I miss being 100% sober. I take sleeping meds and anxiety meds now. I have a brilliant new psychiatrist I see every month or two. I look forward to it, but looking forward to it means looking forward to the onset of cold weather which presents a thousand other trials Yeah, I think about suicide. I know how and I know I can go anytime I like, but I’ve kind of promised myself I’d stick around as long as my mother does. She’s the only family I talk to besides my dad, when he’s not golfing and my nephew who’s five and adores Me. I know where adoration leads in my family. These people turn on a dime, especially when he becomes an athletic super star and his father finally gives a fuck. I’m a bit like a place holder when it comes to nephews. Tomorrow is my older nephews HS graduation. I’m not invited. When they’re young, my brother can’t be bothered to do so much as feed them. Then they grow up and do something that pleases him. Then it’s my son this, my son that. The most stunning thing about not being invited to any corner of this kids graduation isn’t that I’m not invited on the trip, it’s that before he was born, my aunt warned me not to get too close to him… and then she died. How was she so spot on? You know what else? Very, very little has come about which wasn’t available info to anyone paying attention to the patterns of my family over generations. If my family were a publicly traded stock, I’d be a trillionaire. As it stands I learned late how to use this to my advantage, though I know how to profit from each of them in some way. it doesn’t make me sad seeing what my nephew is, it makes me sad having to face it instead of guess at it and hear my mother deny what I thought, and now know to be truth. The only think I felt about that was I pretty: I thought of cutting him off financially. It’s paperwork I don’t want to do, it would ignite a chain reaction with My own inheritance, and in the end, he will never need anyone else’s money. If I do nothing and get hit by a bus, this snotty little bastard gets everything I have. I talked to my friend piyush tonight, he’s home in India now. He told me I’m always on my Mind. The best part is he’s always on my Mind too. Lots of people are on my Mind and I like knowing I may see them sometime. Piyush told me he was thinking of me and when he says it, I know he means it. I know it because we have ups and downs. He’s been rotten to me, I’ve been rotten to him maybe, we live in the real world. That relationship has sustained so much. It’s not the conditional, situational relationship one is accustomed to. Some good things happened today.

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fangirlmomentsandmytwocents · 7 years

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Midlife Margaritas Anthology Tour

Midlife Margaritas: Stories from Women Who Made It to the Other Side of 40 and Rocked It

Authors: (Compiled by Hembree) Shannon Hembree, Jen McGinnis, Bree Luck, Sarah Weitzenkorn, Dionne Williams, Anne Karrick Scott Deetsch, Heather Von St. James, Barbara Fleck, Elizabeth Pendleton, Emily Cooke, Bernadette Jasmine, Vanessa Velez, Laura K. Bedingfield, Beckie Cassidy, Sarah Freeman Knight, Jennifer Porter, Rosanne Nelson, Brooke Schmidt

Genre: Nonfiction/Anthology/Autobiography

Release Date: May 8, 2017

Midlife Margaritas is a collection of essays by a diverse group of women sharing their heartwarming and hilarious stories of what it’s like to conquer forty in today’s world and live to tell the tale. They are the stories of women rising up after unimaginable loss, of overcoming impossible odds, and of finding humor in the everyday challenges we all face.

These touching essays reveal the true strength, beauty, and heart of women. They show us ordinary women doing extraordinary things. And, above all, they remind us to have fun.

Inspiring and encouraging, Midlife Margaritas is the fun companion you never knew you needed at this time of your life. Reading it is like being wrapped in a warm embrace from a beloved girlfriend…who is trying not to spill the margarita in her hand.

1. On Returning to Work (or Trying to) after Raising Kids: White House Easter Bunny Costumes, Tongue Rings, and Résumés, OH MY! by Shannon Hembree

2. On Love and Loss and Loving Again: Rediscovering Joy After the Love of My Life Died by Jen McGinnis

3. On Taking the Path Less Traveled: How I Joined the Circus, Went to Prison, and Arm Wrestled My Way to a Joyful Life by Bree Luck

4. On Becoming a Caregiver for a Parent: Being Thankful for What Is Left, Not Lamenting What Is Lost by Sarah Weitzenkorn

5. On Rockin’ the Single Life: Why Sipping Lemonade on the Beach Is Always Better Than Plunging Lemons out of the Toilet by Dionne Williams

6. On Depression at Forty: Finding Solutions When You Can’t Wish It Away or Wait It Away by Anne Karrick Scott Deetsch

7. On Hope: Turning a Death Sentence into a Life Well Lived by Heather Von St. James

8. On Motherhood: Taking the Long View from Under the Big Top by Barbara Fleck

9. On Growing Up Black and White in America: How I Learned to Live My Life Boldly in My Own Unique Way by Elizabeth Pendleton

10. On Surviving Breast Cancer: How the Boobs You Love and the Football You Don’t All Come Together in the End by Emily Cooke

11. On Finding Your Inner Warrior: How I Left a World of Abuse and Alcoholism Behind and Built a New Life as the Mother of a Beautiful Boy with Special Needs by Bernadette Jasmine

12. On Marriage: Redefining Happily Ever After by Vanessa Velez

13. On Strength: Uncovering My Innate Power, Barf by Barf and Poke by Poke by Laura K. Bedingfield

14. On Balancing a Career and Kids: Finding Perfection in Not Being Perfect by Beckie Cassidy

15. On How It’s Never Too Late to Face Your Fears: Even If It Requires Alcohol, Pills, or Prayer by Sarah Freeman Knight

16. On Spirituality: How a Preacher’s Daughter Rediscovered and Redefined Faith by Jennifer Porter

17. On Confidence: Don’t Ask, Just Do by Rosanne Nelson

18. On the Loss of a Parent: How I Grieved, Coped, and Learned to Live Differently After My Father Died by Brooke Schmidt

19. On Friendship: Bonjour, Dear Diary by Shannon Hembree

SHANNON HEMBREE

Shannon Hembree is a professional writer and editor for a government relations and public affairs firm in Washington, DC. She embraces the idea of living fearlessly…unless the situation involves heights, spiders, snakes, public speaking, or anything else that crosses the boundary for sane living.

JEN MCGINNIS

Jen McGinnis is a physical therapist and co-owner of an outpatient physical-therapy office. She is married to a great guy, and they have a fun, fabulous little boy. They live on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and wake up most days to sunshine and warm breezes.

BREE LUCK

Bree Luck is a mother, theater director, and amateur arm wrestler. She is always looking near and far for the next big adventure.

SARAH WEITZENKORN

Sarah Weitzenkorn is a stay-at-home mom of two children. In addition to liking piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, she loves girls’ weekends, mindless celebrity gossip, and oatmeal creme pies.

DIONNE WILLIAMS

Dionne Williams is a nonprofit project manager extraordinaire. Her coworkers tell her she has the biggest, brightest smile in the office, which could be because she tries to stay positive and lives life one day at a time. In this crazy world, she simply laughs a little, lives a little, and embraces whatever adventure comes her way. It’s all about the journey.

ANNE KARRICK SCOTT DEETSCH

Anne Karrick Scott Deetsch is a full-time stay-at-home mother with four children, a husband, a dog, and several fish. She cooks with abandon and embraces her disorganized life.

HEATHER VON ST. JAMES

Heather Von St. James is a courageous mother, wife, and survivor of mesothelioma. She has made it her mission to help other mesothelioma victims around the globe and can be found sharing her story and her message of hope at http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/survivor/#intro.

BARBARA FLECK

Barbara Fleck is a mom of two, who recently stopped using her fancy science degree to pursue a less stressful job as a substitute teacher…an illusion that lasted until the first indoor recess. She continues to substitute because she enjoys interacting with people her own mental age—and because she spends less money if she is at school all day.

ELIZABETH PENDLETON

Elizabeth Pendleton is a working mother of a three-year-old wild child. No, it’s not her grandchild. She’s realizing that like it or not, her body has no choice but to keep up with the physical prowess of her budding track star/parkour extraordinaire and that any memory loss is OBVIOUSLY due to sleep deprivation (which her sister failed to really warn her about before motherhood).

EMILY COOKE

Emily Cooke is a currently single, mother of two who earns her living as a benefits professional in Washington, DC. She finds humor in almost everything, loves to embarrass her kids, and is willing to make you laugh at her own expense. She is always up for an adventure and though she usually gets lost, has fun anyway. You can find her on Twitter at @MLEC03.

BERNADETTE JASMINE

Bernadette Jasmine is a rockin’ career woman who has been to the dark side and come out on top. She embraces the surprises life throws at her with her happy (and slightly crazy) clan of family and friends by her side.

VANESSA VELEZ

Vanessa Velez is a policy consultant raising two children with the man of her dreams. She has no regrets about her reimagined happily ever after and instead enjoys quiet evenings at home in her very own Irish pub.

LAURA K. BEDINGFIELD

Laura K. Bedingfield maintains her strength by writing, practicing yoga, scoring baseball games for her sons, driving a mean carpool, and dominating during family game night. You can find her on Twitter at @LKBHerakovich and on her blog at https://jtandtheob.com/.

BECKIE CASSIDY

Beckie Cassidy is a full-time working mom who is finding balance amid the goldfish (crackers and otherwise), karate lessons, and doggie day care. After spending twenty years trying to figure out what she wanted to be when she grew up, she gave up and now spends her days telling college students what they should be when they grow up.

SARAH FREEMAN KNIGHT

Sarah Freeman Knight is a professional writer living in Atlanta. She is married to a fabulous husband and is the mother of two amazing and courageous girls. You can find her on Twitter at @sarahsknight.

JENNIFER PORTER

Jennifer Porter is a communications professional, wordmonger, political junkie, and chocoholic whose favorite question has always been…“Why?” You can find her on Twitter at @jpgore

ROSANNE NELSON

Rosanne Nelson is a leadership-development consultant by day and a mother of two confident little girls by night. She enjoys telling her husband about the twentysomething version of herself and remains grateful the Internet was not around during those years. You can find her on Twitter at @rosanne_nelson1.

BROOKE SCHMIDT

Brooke Schmidt, freelance editor and writer and part-time activities director, lives with her engineer husband, two kids, and two rescue dogs in the ’burbs of Atlanta. Her life goals include educating parents about the link between kids’ diets and their behavior and actually finishing a book club book someday (otherwise it’s just wine club). You can find her on Twitter at @BrookeBBlogs.

HOSTED BY:

FGMAMTC

Fangirl Moments and My Two Cents

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#tour #anthology

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