#the fight before Christmas | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

parasite-core · 1 year

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My Pathfinder group took a week off so instead some of us hung out with some other friends and played a Lasers and Feelings hack called the Fight Before Christmas (we rolled dice to decide what we’d play and it landed on that so yay Christmas in June 😂)

Our characters were two priests—one a millionaire tv evangelist and one an alcoholic barely scraping by—and two thieves—an androgynous hacker e-boy and an elf sent to jail for breaking and entering who murdered 3 men while in the slammer before breaking out. The evangelist, Nick, wanted to take down Santa for tainting the true meaning of Christmas and turning people away from The Lord, the e-boy, Blitzen, wanted to free Santa’s reindeer from their oppression, the jail elf, Sticky-fingers, wanted to murder Santa for revenge for getting him sent to jail in the first place, and the drunken priest, Frank, just came to the bar we were all at because he was offered a free drink to attend.

We were contacted by the Major from Phineas and Ferb, who informed us that Santa had taken over Anchorage, Alaska and was holed up in a radio station there, guarded by his elite squad of gingerbread ninjas and the IRS, who were legally given the right to weaponize by the 49th president and were the second most dangerous organization in the United States after the military. The IRS was after all of us for various forms of tax evasion and fraud, so they had teamed up with Santa to try to take us down. The Major told us that if we succeeded in taking down the big man in red, we would be pardoned of all crimes including the aforementioned tax evasion and it would be wiped from our records.

Nick told the Major we had a ride to Anchorage, and then led us to his private jet, The Arc. While we entered, Nick tried to catch up with Frank, who was trying to slip away and wanted nothing to do with this. Nick put an arm over his shoulder and steered him into the jet, saying he’d be doing the Lord’s work. Frank seemed to be of the opinion that Nick was more out for himself than for the good Lord, and that he was deceiving his flock. Nick was of the opinion that his flock simply cared for his well-being, and were generous souls who gave in the name of the Lord. Frank deeply judged Nick for using church money for himself instead of for the church, while Nick judged Frank for his alcoholism.

While those two were….getting to know each other…Sticky-fingers scouted out the most expensive drink available at Nick’s personal bar, while Blitzen went to the bathroom and started stealing the solid gold soap plates and parts of the sink.

As they neared Anchorage, the pilot/butler informed us that there were anti-aircraft missiles coming our way. Nick told the pilot/butler to deploy the turrets to counter them. Nick took control of one of the turrets personally. Blitzen hacked the missiles’ navigation system and made most of them return to sender, while Nick took out the last one with the turret. While this was happening, Sticky-fingers stole the most expensive alcohol at the bar, and found an unmanned drone under the bar which he also shoved into his bag. Frank had a panic attack at us nearly dying.

We landed in Anchorage—with no regard for if it was a legal spot to park a jet, because if it got towed Nick could just buy another jet.

We had an elf on the inside who ran an escape room, so we went to talk to him to get some intel. Frank drunkenly solved the escape room puzzle and revealed the door to meet with Elfo. Sticky-fingers greeted Elfo as an old friend, but Frank stopped him, noting that something was wrong. Elfo was standing on a bomb! It turned out that Santa’s goons had gotten to Elfo first, and if he gave us any information on Santa’s operation…boom. We asked Blitzen if he could disable the bomb, as the tech guy. Blitzen determined that he could delay the timer enough for us to switch out Elfo for something else of equal weight (Elfo told us he weighted 30-70 elf pounds, which Sticky-fingers confirmed was a very average elf weight). Blitzen hacked the bomb’s timer and we swapped Elfo for a weight, and the bomb didn’t go off. Elfo told us about how anyone who spoke out against Santa in town got sent to Holly Jolly Jail, which Sticky-fingers warned was a terrible place to go—those who come back from it never come back the same. He also warned us about Santa’s eldritch power, which would throw presents around the room. And he had a bio-mechanical suit which made him invulnerable, and which was unhackable.

We decided the best action would be to try to seduce him out of the suit, which would be Blitzen’s job.

We knew that Santa’s first line of defense were the gingerbread ninjas, so we made a plan to buy a ton of milk from the local convenience store and soak them with it so they’d crumble apart.

At the store we split up. Nick went to buy milk as planned—and went to speak to the manager to buy every single milk product in the store plus a truck to carry it all with. Blitzen went to the firearms wall, and stole as many guns and as much ammo as he could shove into his bag. Sticky-fingers stole a large bottle of “milk”. As he went to leave he ran into the head of the Gingerbread Ninjas, who went to attack him, but he slipped on some milk on the floor and crumpled to pieces. Sticky-fingers snapped off his head and started munching on it as he left the store. Frank grabbed a six pack of beer to buy, then realized he had no cash on him. He begged the cashier to let him just take one can, and he was so pathetic looking that the cashier let him take the entire six pack because she figured he needed it.

We met outside the store, and Nick told us to get into the truck. We drove towards the radio station. On our first pass, Blitzen took the “milk” from Sticky-fingers and filled a high powered water gun with it. For an unknown reason the tip started steaming. As we passed the gingerbread ninjas, Blitzen sprayed the “milk” on them, which turned out to be a highly reactive acid, which burned through five gingerbread ninjas.

Nick planned to topple the truck to drown the last three gingerbread ninjas in milk, but Frank begged him to let him talk to them first and try to resolve this peacefully. Nick argued that the gingerbread ninjas were merely golems with no souls made by Santa and wouldn’t go to heaven, so there was no need to extend mercy to them. Frank was horrified by this, asking if Nick would kick a puppy just because it wasn’t a person. Sticky-fingers argued that the Gingerbread ninjas were Santa’s loyal subjects and would likely kill Frank on sight. Frank told them to just let him try. Nick told Frank he had ten minutes, if he hadn’t convinced them by then, Nick was driving the truck over them whether Frank was out of the way or not.

Frank went to the three remaining Gingerbread Ninjas, and tried to convince them that he just wanted to talk to Santa, and that they could all come together and find a peaceful solution to this. No more Gingerbread blood had to be spilled this day.

The Gingerbread Ninjas saw the light of god and repented, laying down their arms and going with Frank to leave the Radio Tower behind.

The door opened, revealing the IRS, armed to the teeth. Sticky-fingers told Nick to floor it. He had a plan. As they approached the building, he pulled out the expensive liquor and made it into a Molotov Cocktail. With a yell of “forgive me fathers for I am about to sin” he hurled the Molotov at the IRS. They burned, then melted into a silver puddle—because all members of the IRS are terminators.

Nick continued hurtling towards the radio tower in the milk truck, and he told Sticky-fingers and Blitzen to get out. After the leapt to safety, he purposely tipped the truck over then leapt out himself. The truck crashed, the milk spilling across the fire Sticky-fingers had started, dousing the flames.

All that was left was to face the big man in red himself.

We entered the final room, with big letters above it that said ‘boss fight ahead save now’. Inside was an absolutely ripped man with a bald head and white beard. He laughed his holly jolly laugh and asked who was about to be on his naughty list. Blitzen volunteered eagerly, then showed off his feet, which he’d put into clear high heels. Because our intel suggested that Santa was into feet.

Sticky-fingers used the drone to shine a light on Blitzen and his feet, drawing all attention on him. Frank knelt down and washed one of Blitzen’s feet with ‘holy water’ (vodka), and Nick gave Blitzen a vial of oil to oil their feet up and make them shine.

The children who Santa was originally going to use as meat shields began to come forward with his biomechanical suit, but Santa stopped them and said that, perhaps, this could be solved without violence.

The scene faded to black, and three months later Nick, Frank, and Sticky-fingers are attending Santa and Blitzen’s wedding. Santa pulled his men out of Anchorage, no longer occupying the town, so we completed the Major’s request and our criminal records have all been wiped clean. And Santa gave each of us a gift. For Sticky-fingers—who is very confused how he got here since his goal was to kill Santa not help his new friend shack up with him—he received a state of the art rocket launcher. For Frank, he received a few thousand dollars and an extension on his rent. For Nick, he received a letter from his estranged wife, looking to attempt to reconcile. And for Blitzen, he received a double ended dildo.

Nick would never tell anyone, especially not Frank, but he had to admit that maybe Frank had been right all along.

And as Santa and Blitzen flew off into the sunset in Santa’s sleigh, the sound of a rocket launcher locking on could be heard.

#lasers and feelings #the fight before Christmas #ttrpg #PF weekly #not really pf but I want to be consistent with my tagging so I can find this gem again someday

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john-bracket · 1 year

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Okay a more serious post, my blog’s visibility issues have been fixed, and so now we can run the final Jack Off prelims! Thanks so much to everyone for your patience.

To make sure everyone is aware, the prelim match-ups will be listed below the cut, and their fandoms tagged. I plan to run ~half the prelims on Wednesday, May 10 and the other half on Friday, May 12.

So instead of combining these Jacks like I did with the Johns, I thought it would be more fun to have some similar Jacks and the multiple Jacks from the same media fight to see who will be the representing champion!

Bout A: Jack Harkness (Doctor Who/Torchwood) vs Original Jack Harkness (Torchwood)

Bout B: Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean) vs Jack the Monkey (Pirates of the Caribbean)

Bout C: Our Boy Jack/Mad Jack Spratt (The Mechanisms) vs One-Eyed Jack (The Mechanisms)

Bout D: Jack Rackham (Black Sails) vs Calico Jack (Our Flag Means Death)

Bout E: Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas) vs Jack Pumpkinhead (Return to Oz)

Bout F: Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians) vs Jack Frost (Jack Frost 1998)

“But op, how will you fill the remaining slots?” Well, patient name enjoyers, I’ve selected ten Jacks who had good but not good enough votes in their prelims to come and fight one on one for the remaining slots (There are only five slots here because the 1998 Jack Frost didn’t win his prelim but I really wanna see them duke it out, it’s gonna be so funny.)

The ten lucky contenders are as follows:

Bout G: Jack Starbright (Alex Rider) vs Lavender Jack (Lavender Jack)

Bout H: Spring-Heeled Jack (Folklore) vs Jack Howl (Twisted Wonderland)

Bout I: Jack Larson (Malevolent) vs Jack Bauer (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Bout J: Jack/Narrator (Fight Club) vs Jack (Mass Effect)

Bout K: Jack Hodgins (Bones) vs Jack Carter (Eureka)

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