#the iced coffee looked so pretty and i couldnt help myself

[i-am-dulaman]

It's officially spring!!! (In the southern hemisphere at least)

[roguereds]

I have had the worst day, all I want to do is crawl into someones arms and be comforted

[rwbyvein]

Firen Lhain:  Chapter 808:  Coffee:  Part III / III

"So tell me?," Taj asked from the cockpit, "what is your plan, here?"

Both Mercury and Emerald looked to Cinder. "Oh?" Cinder asked, "Find a place to disappear."

"Well, Vacuo is certainly the place for that." Taj stated. "You're headed for the lower Athabasca, which is even easier to hide in."

"And that means?" Mercury asked.

"Badlands." Taj replied.

"What's it like in Vacuo?" Emerald asked.

"Oh?" Taj asked, hit a couple buttons, and turned back, "Where did you grow up, again?"

"Vale." Emerald quietly voiced.

"Growing up as a street rat in Vale might seem like it's rough, and the end of the world, but Vacuo is SO much worse. The government of Vacuo has two purposes, keeping armies out, and keeping Grimm out, and for the latter, they just help pay for Grimm bounties. If things get a little hot, they might send out a lawman to calm things down. You might think your life didn't mean much in Vale, but in Vacuo it means zip."

"Strength is the only thing we have." Mercury added.

"Good thing we have enough to spare." Cinder said with a bright smile that Emerald got lost in.

"Problem, though," Taj said, and they turned to looked at him, "you guys don't look like your the type to build your own home."

"If?.." Emerald nervously asked, "the Kingdoms doesn't... how do they feel about drugs, prostitution, theft?.."

"Oh, well, in theory," Taj stated, "it's all illegal. Well, except the prostitution part. The most they really do for the others is pay bounties." Emerald looked down until something occured to her. She then looked at Cinder whom had a wicked grin looking at Mercury. Emerald looked to Mercury who had the same look.

"Is that what we're doing?" Emerald asked. "We're going to be bounty hunters?"

"We kill the drug lord," Mercury stated, "take his money. Take the body into the authorities and get more money. Everything we do is nice and legal."

"Then all we'll have to do," Cinder added, "is find someone to build us a nice, lovely, giant house."

"I recommend you go underground," Taj stated, "Vacuo can get pretty hot during the daytime."

"Maybe something hidden in a badlands?" Cinder asked, and Emerald looked at her with shock. She breathed in deep.

"Of course you had this planned." Emerald shyly said to her, "You're plans always work."

Cinder gave her a bright smile for a moment. "Thank you. They do." she said, and Emerald gave her a shocked look. "The only question was what I wanted?"

"Apparently a mansion in the Vacuan badlands." Taj added.

* * *

Yang and Weiss walked down the stairs. "Nora, Ren." Weiss greeted, and Nora jumped up. Ren quickly stood up behind her.

"I believe it was going to be Blake and Weiss?" Ren asked.

"They had to do... something?.." Yang asked. "Instead of Ladybug you got Freezerburn." she stated, and Neo looked at her questioningly.

"Ruby and Blake are Ladybug." Weiss stated as they walked up, "Yang and myself are Freezerburn."

Again, Neo looked at them questioningly. "Because I'm hot," Yang said, and looked at Weiss, "and she's..."

"An ice queen." Weiss said neutrally, causing Yang to develop a surprised look. Weiss was flushing both light and dark blue. "I have learned to accept my role as the team's wet blanket."

"You're RWBY's Jaune!" Nora exclaimed, and Weiss looked at her with uncertainty for a moment.

"Yes?" Weiss asked.

"Someone has to keep us from jumping in head first." Yang said.

"If that is at all possible?" Weiss neutrally asked.

"So?" Yang asked, "Anything interesting happen?"

"Oh?" Nora asked, "Jaune came in, hugged Neo, and told her how he feels her pain or something."

Weiss lookded at Neo, "Indeed?" she asked. Neo glared at her for a few moments before finally nodding.

"That does sound like him." Yang added.

"He did walk in and just pull my sister into a hug." Weiss said.

"That does sound like Leader." Nora added.

"Really makes me jealous." Yang stated.

"Of Jaune or Winter?" Ren asked, causing Yang to flush orange. "We will take our leave." Ren finished, and then grabbed Nora's hand, gently tugging her to a stairs. Yang walked up to the hole in the cell while Weiss walked over to the crates before elegantly sitting up upon one.

"So, tell me?" Yang eagerly asked, and Neo looked at her curiously. "Jaune's hug. I know they can come and go in an instant, but in that time, it feels like time stands still, doesn't it?" she asked, and Neo's face softened. "So, warm, wrapping all around you, firm, but yielding, like it knows what you want."

Neo started to shift about.

"If he talked about feeling your pain," Weiss stated, "he probably meant to try and take it away. He has made all of our burdens so much lighter. And you would be mayhap not the first ne'er-do-well we've reformed."

"That's a fancy way of saying," Yang added, and Neo sneered at her, "he likes helping the helpless" Yang paused and hung her head, "Like me." This caused Weiss to let out a loud scoff. Yang turned her head up to look at her. "Let's face it, you're an ice queen, but I'm just broken." Yang reached her left hand over to grab where the right had been cut, but couldnt' seem to find the place. "The hell?"

"It seems your break has been mending." Weiss said, and when Yang looked over, Weiss was standing right in front of her. She grabbed Yang's hand and looked up into her eyes, though a couple of things did make that a bit difficult. "Despite my flaws, I find myself getting lost in you, and I can assure you that you are the same. We are not one, but five." Neo gestured with her hand to make fun of the blather, and Weiss turned towards her. "Oh, really, you have not found anyone to lose your flaws in?" she asked. Neo blushed and then looked around. She looked back to Weiss, giving her an evil gaze. "Glower all you want, it simply proves my assertion to be true. I assume that when Jaune ripped the bars off of your cell, he was expecting to no longer need them." Neo jumped up to the other side of the opening, and stood Augustly. Unfortunately, her minute frame was not especially intimidating.

"Uh-huh?" Yang asked, as she stepped up, "Look me in the tits and say that."

Weiss let out a scoff, and Neo developed a neutral expression as he looked between the two. "Must you be so crass?" Neo developed a mild smirk before quickly quashing it.

"She's the one trying to eye me down from tit-height." Yang said to her.

"Perhaps we could talk about this?" Weiss said to her.

"Over coffee?" Yang asked.

"That does sound lovely."

"I didn't mean..." Yang said, but Weiss had moved in to kiss her on the cheek. Before Yang knew it, Weiss was back up the stairs.

* * *

"Weiss?" Jaune asked as she walked into the kitchen.

"We have decided to discuss this over coffee." Weiss stated, and Jaune stepped back to let her pass.

* * *

Weiss walked out of the kitchen with tray with coffee in hand.

"Are you not concerned?" Ren asked, and Jaune turned around to pull him into a hug.

"This is fantastic!" Jaune exclaimed.

* * *

Weiss placed the tray on a crate, poured two cups, before elegantly sitting up on another crate. Yang sat on the ground with her back to the crate, and they both momentarily enjoyed their coffee. Neo tried to give them an evil look, as satisfied looks appeared on their own faces, but instead it came across as jealous. "Did you want some coffee?" Weiss asked.

Yang took another sip, "It's really good coffee."

Neo continued to look on them with jeaslousy.

"You simply have to ask." Weiss simply stated. Neo looked at them for a moment longer before turning around, sitting down, and crossing her arms in a huff.

Yang moaned as she took another sip. "Really good coffee." Neo briefly looked over her shoulder before looking back.

"The way I look at it," Weiss said, causing Neo to look over her shoulder, "you could either let Jaune-dear hug you, or spend the rest of your life in prison." Neo turned her upper body to glare at her. "Oh, feeling agrieved are we?" Weiss asked, "Then why exactly are you here?" Neo turned back away. "You could have gone anywhere. You could have done anything, but instead you hired mercenaries and came to join us here?"

"We could have turned you over to General Clank, and you would probably be put in a hole, never to be seen again." Yang said, and then took another sip of her coffee and letting out another moan. She then turned to Weiss, "You really make good coffee, Linnet."

"Thank you." Weiss replied, and Yang leaned over to kiss Weiss' leg. She then turned to Neo, "Remember, you are here because Jaune-dear thought it was good to do so. General Ironwood would have simply had you tried, and with the plethora of evidence, no doubt convicted."

"You know why you're in a cage, don't you?" Yang asked, and Neo turned to glare at her. "Because you wanted to. Ladykiller gave you a choice, and you wanted to hide back in your little box."

Neo turned to give them a questioning glare. "If you are wondering why we are guarding you is because you made the choice to stay our enemy." Weiss simply said to her.

"If you want to come out, we'll give you some of Linnet's wonderful coffee." Yang said enticingly.

"Or, perphaps?" Weiss asked, "We could call the General?" Neo huffed and turned away, every few seconds turning back to glance at them. She eventually breathed in deep, walked over to the hole in the cell, and just stood there. "Yes?" Weiss asked. "Did you want something." Neo crossed her arms with a huff, looking away. Eventually she looked Weiss in the eyes, nudging her head to the coffee. "Very well." Weiss stated, and jumped down from her crate. Weiss poured the coffee and looked at Neo, "Cream or Sugar?" Neo nodded and held up two fingers. Weiss stirred them into her cup and then walked towards the hole in the cell. "Now, if you promise to be on your very best behaviour..."

"No stabbing." Yang stated.

"Then we can let you out of your cell."

Neo looked at her questioningly for a moment before looking at and reaching for the coffee.

"Very well." Weiss said. Neo grabbed the coffee and turned back into her cell.

* * *

Hildegard Bont walked into James Ironwood's office. Ironwood stood up and rushed over to close the door, "Do you have any idea how inappropriate it is for you to see me outside of the council?"

"Does the chair of the judiciary have any idea how inappropriate this is?" Hildegard asked, "I'm here because I have something important enough to say." James walked back around to the other side of his desk, and sat down, leaning hard upon his desk with both of his hands. "Easy, James." she said to him. "You've had to have seen this coming?"

"I was just doing..."

"What you thought was right, yes." Hildegard said to him. "What you could to save Remnant, and by closing the borders, you made yourself vulnerable to everyone who's ever had a grudge against you, and to everyone that you're in the way of."

"Do - you think I?.." James asked.

"If you will let me say what I came here to say?" Hildegard asked, and he breathed in deep.

"Go - on." James stated.

"There's no way that Bluebonnet did not know what was going on."

"Do you think I don't know that?" James asked.

"No." Hildegard replied, "But now you know we're on the same page."

[hannybkpop]

Dancing Dreams

Chapter 1

(I would love some feedback especially since i decided to start writing again, I will also be working on re-writing My Han Fanfiction and making it better, Thank you)

Synopsis ..... As a 20yr old born and raised in Busan South korea, you finally moved forward in your life and managed to Join The Best Dance company out there. You make Friends you could never forget and so many memories you will cherish in your life. Your love Life will blossom and the sturggles of life will finally reach its peak. Will you manage to get through it or get overwhelmed by evrything and everyone ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was an early Monday morning, the sun rays were shinning through the cracks in your curtains perfectly lighting your face. "its too early for any of this" you groan and turn over to the other side where the sun dont shine. "Y/N get up youre going to be late!" your mom yelled at you from the kitchen. You turn back around and sluggishly sit up right, criss-cross apple sauce still half asleep and slouching forward. "Thats right" you thought to yourself, "Todays the first day of my dance class" you check your phone and time reads 7:34am. You get up and start making your way to the bathroom still dragging your feet, but you couldnt help but feel butterflies in your stomach. you make your way to the bathroom and brush your teeth, then your face and you apply lotion " you cant forget to take care of your face" you say as you laugh. You walk towards your closet wondering what to wear. your closet was full of black and white, not really any other color because brights just wasnt your thing. you decide to go with some black sweats, a white crop top and some white Filas. you decide to keep your hair down, kinda wavy and grab a hair tie for later. you head down stair and you can hear the sizzling of possibly bacon or sausage and the smell of toast. Your mom had breakfast ready for you, two eggs over easy just the way yiu love em, two strips bacon and some white toast. " Thank you, if you wouldnt have made me breakfast i would have gone on coffee for the whole day" you say wiith a moutful of toast. You tend to live off of coffee, not a day goes by without it. once you finished eating, you grab your keys and head out "Bye mom, ill see you later" you say as you turn around and wave good-bye.

You hop in your car, plug in your phone and start listening to some of your favorite tunes. The first song that plays is Enhypens Given-taken "Wake up in day one, cheonnare achim jomyeongin bichweo taeyange nunbit" you sing, using your vocal chords to their full extent. Next played Aespas- Next level which lead to ITZYs Mafia. You pull up to a starbucks and lower your music, "Hello welcome to starbucks, what can i get started for you today?" The employee asks cheerfully this morning. "Hello can i get a Venti Iced caramel macchiato with 2 extra shots of espresso and extra caramel" It was your go to drink, just the perfect amount of espresso and caramel mixed together. "Of course, is that going to be all for today?" she asked, "Yes ma'am, thank you" she tells you the price and you pull up the window, you grab your drink and head off straight for the dance studio. A couple more songs played through, you jammed out to Nct, Exo, A.C.E, Oneus and so many other groups and then you finally arrived. Your heartbeat accelarated slightly just at the thought that you finally get to start your dance classes.

When you were just ten years old you found k-pop, it was music you had never listened to but your curiosity got the best of you. From finding TVXQ you were slowly dragged down the K-pop hole but it was possibly the best thing that had ever happened to you. From then on 3yrs went by, you were finally 13 and you thought to yourself that you wanted to be a dancer and that someday you would be a back up dancer or a choreographer for the idols you look up to. You asked your mom to sign you up for dance classes , she agreed and signed you up for modern dancing, from then on you moved on to hip-hop, contemporate and breakdancing which was honestly possibly the hardest to learn, who knew breakdancing could make you feel like you could break yourself in a heart beat. And thats how you got here, you auditioned to join Dream Team dance studio, one of the hardest to pass and yet you managed to make it through, but the price for this dance class was pretty high so you also planned on getting a part time job.

You finally turned off your car and started heading towards the building, since you were still new here you had to follow sign procedures and which classes you would be available for and suited for. You headed towards what seemed to be the front desk but didnt see anyone there. "Hello?" you called out, and then a girl peeked her head out the corner of her office "Hello sorry i didnt hear you walk in" she said very sweetly " what can i do for you today?". You open your bag and pull out the paperwork you had to fill out Prior to your first day "Oh, i am new here and today is going to be my first day starting my dance classes" you hand her the papers and she goes through, she tells you to give her a quick minute and she walks back to the office, she comes back with a lanyard and keycard attached " Welcome to DT, Heres your badge" she hands the item over to you and you seemed kinda confused " oh, sorry let me explain. So we do get certain people who come thorugh to practice at times and we use this badge so that any unwanted personal dont just barge through wihtout permission. we really do want our dancers to feel safe and comfortable in this enviroment" its like she read your expression. So many questions came to mind of who could possibly come to this studio, Idols seems to cross your mind but you just push it away because it only happens ever so rarely. "Thank you so much, ill make sure not to lose this", you start to head towards the doors and turn around because it totally slipped your mind to ask what room your class was in. “im sorry, but what room will i be heading to?” you ask. “ oh, right i guess we forgot, you will be headed to  floor 7 room c” - she chuckles. You start to make your way back to the double doors then you hear her say " if you lose the badge, its a $100 fee to replace it", You grab the badge tighter knowing that thats alot of money just to replace it. You excitedly scan your badge and make your way through the double doors, as soon as you walk through you see a cafeteria  to your right and a mini market to your left. You walk towards the cafeteria and see that they also have a cafe in the corner. “oh hell yeah, i can grab myself some coffee anytime i want now’” you think to yourself as you sip on your starbucks.   You turn around and starts making your way to the elevators, as you walk back you overhear a group of girls chatting about floor 7, you stop in your tracts to listen in a little more, you werent trying to eavesdrop but you were still new here and wanted to know what they had to say about the floor your class is in.  They started talking about how the rumor about idols showing up at the dance studio was true but the only floor they ever go to was floor 7, since floor 7 was were the best choreographers were located. You start to walk away slowly picking up your pace because in your head that was impossible, you werent notified exactly of who the special personal was. You thought maybe you should have asked more in depth questions, but you didnt because you were so excited. You finally make a stop at the elevator doors almost running straight into them,you push the up arrow button and the doors open. When you head inside you push level 7 but on the mini screen it says Please scan badge. You grab your  badge slightly shaking and scan, you get approved and the doors close.  The  elevator starts to go up and you are so deep in your thoughts you start thinking out loud. You start pacing back in forth asking yourself if what the girls were saying  was true. The last thing you needed was for an artist to show up and make a fool out of yourself, at this point you have your arms up in the air and you dont notice that the elevator stopped on floor 3. As you turn around you see three different males standing infront of the levator staring at you, all three were in black masks and some sort of hat making it hard to notice their faces. You make eye contact with one and the realise your arms are still up in the air. “oh my god, i am so sorry” you say as you are still panicking. The one on the left giggles to himself, the one on the right is unphased but the one in the center kept eye contact with you. You  could barely utter another word, but you manged to scoot over and make room for the three of them. You are so embarassed you face away and place your head against one of the elevator walls. You see that one of them goes to push floor 7 as well but they realise that floor number 7 is already chosen. They look over and notice that you also have a badge that lets you in the top floor but they leave it at that. The ride from floor 3 to floor 7 seemed like it was taking forever, and you couldnt believe that on your first day you managed to make a fool out of yourself. You finally reach floor 7 and the elevator doors open. You make your way out first   and walk as fast you can to room C, the  boys follow behind. With your mind still racing you walk straight passed room C  unknowingly that you almost run into a window at the end of the hall.  As soon as you come to a stop you hear, “ You do know thats a window, and not a door right?” he says with a mocking tone. “ oh yeah, i knew that, i just wanted to take in some sun” you say as you turn back around and go straight for room C.  “Hyunjin, youre going to be late for our dance class” han says  after opening the door to room A, “Sorry, i just wanted to take in some sun” he giggles to himself.

You have eyes looking at you from running in and closing the door shut, your face lights up red "I'm sorry". You continue to walk in and the dance room catches your eye, its so spacious, the walls painted an oxford blue, and a set of two clear window that reach from top to bottom on the left. "First time here i see" one of the girls calls out to you, "oh yeah, this dance room is nice" you are in complete awe. "i was the same way the first time i walked in this room, by the way if you dont mind me asking, what was that all about earlier?" she cocked her head to the left. "oh that~, so i made a complete fool of myself infront of these guys who were on the elevator with me, i guess i was so nervous that i also almost walked into the window at the end of the hall until one of them called out to them" you say with a slight laugh as you look down on the floor. "Oh geex, i would have probably done the same. So whats your name?", "my name is Y/N, whats yours? you ask, "Oh my name is Elizabeth but you can call me Eli, i hope we can be good friends from now on". As soon as she finished the doord behind us opened, "Hello, it seems like everyone here seems aquianted, well lets get started from where we left off. Hello you must be y/n, i have heard alot about you from our scouts who were at the auditions." She says with a very curious tone, you can feel all eyes on you. "He-hello" you tense up slightly just at the thought the teacher knows who you are. The class officially starts and everyone seems to have gone to their places, you make your way towards the back of the class to watch the dance everyone one learned last semester. You watched them practice a couple times before you joined in. After going through the dance a couple more times Eli looks at you in awe "I can see why you were accepted into classes in the 7th floor, youre really good"

  Classes proceeded for the rest of the day that time went by so fast, it was already 7pm and it was time to go home. "So i believe i will be seeing you tomrrow?" Eli asked, "Definitely, i had so much fun today and im so excited for the rest to come. I might stick around to practice just a little more" You say with enthusiasm in your voice. Eli leaves while waving back and youre the only one left in the room. You walk up to the radio and plug in your phone through the aux chord, you scroll through your playlist you are debating between Enhypen- given taken, TXT- Puma and Starykids latest release Thunderous. You decide to go with thunderous since you just had decided to change the end because you crouched down and walked foward by yourself it would look funny. You finally finished making the end and finally remmebering it so you decide to finally run through the whole dance. After dancing Thunderous a couple times you finaly drop down tired, you hear the door open behind you and turn around to see who could possibly still be here and to your suprise its the 3 mysterious men from earlier. "You're really good, did you make the ending for Thunderous?" asks the one with the medium length black hair, his voice sounds so familiar but you cant seem to remember who it could be. "Oh uhm, yes i did. i kinda figured if i danced it alone i would look stupid" You giggled to yourself "Like imagine crouching down and doing this?" you start to do the ending of the dance, "Youre right, haha it would look kinda funny" Says the one on the left, and again his voice also sounds very familiar but you really cant remember. " I guess we should introduce our selves, My name is Changbin, Seo Changbin" Your eyes widen, "Hi My name is Jisung, Han Jisung. But don't tell anyone you saw us" He shoots a wink. "Well i guess it my turn, My name is Hwan hyunjin, and if you ever feel like Getting some sunshine again Make sure not to try to run out the window" He laughs to himself. Youre face flushes red, You barely manage to even Speak. Did i really just make a full of myself infront of STRAYKIDS?!?! Is the only thought running through your head.

[dripkingpetey]

love-e.pettersson

ive been working on this for a few days and im kinda proud of it! would love some feedback from you or requests for other story lines, i promise i’ll stop doing the friends to lovers storylines haha. i also accidentally deleted this and i was so sacred i couldnt get it back but here it is! i hope you enjoy.

*lowercase intended!*

2.2k words

he loves you, you know that right?

“why did you drag me here, i really don’t like hockey and you know that.” you said as you sighed to your bestfriend lucie while she pulls you down to your seats in rogers arena. 

“i know you don’t.” lucie said with a bright smile on her face. “but, you’re gonna learn to like it.” you look at her in confusion. “so, this is your way of torturing me as if you don’t already torture me enough by bringing me to parties.” you said while sitting down and looking at the players who are starting to get on the ice. “maybe.” lucie said with a wide grin and a mischievous look on her face before puck drop starts.

you’ve never been big on hockey, which is surprising considering you have lived in vancouver your whole life and your family is super big hockey fans. you also aren't the most extroverted person. sure, you’d go out to bars sometimes but mostly just with your close friends.

“what part of this sport do you even like?” you said as the game is going into the third period the canucks are now up 4-1 against the opposing team which you don’t even really know who they are. “well, if I’m being honest some of them are really hot but mostly cause of the sport.” you scoffed at her response. “none of them are hot from where i can see.” lucie looked at you with a shocked look. “oh you’ll get it once you get to know the players more.” you give her a confused look and put your full attention back to the game.

-

canucks ended up winning the game 5-2, lucie was very happy about it and you could tell cause she wanted to go out for a couple drinks and you didn’t want to say no so you agreed to go.

you had been at the bar for about twenty minutes and lucie was already gone which isn’t surprising, she was probably sleeping with some guy right now.

you started to panic a little when a creepy old dude came up to you and started hitting on you. “hey pretty girl, want to come home with me?” he started putting his hand on your arm which was resting on the table. you look around for lucie in panic but she’s no where to be found. 

you then feel a pair of arms sneak around your waist and you get even more freaked out. 

“hey babe, sorry i was gone for so long.” elias says to you with a smile but then proceeds to give the creepy dude the alien death stare which worked. after the dude leaves elias faces you and starts speaking. “sorry i touched you like that, it looked like you were alone and that guy was creeping you out so i thought you could use some help.” he shoots an apologetic smile at you. 

“its okay,” you give him a smile back. “thank you a lot actually, i have no idea where my friend went.” you take another look around the bar before looking back and him. 

“i’m elias by the way.” he smiles at you while holding his hand out for you to shake it. “y/n.” you say before shaking his hand. 

“so elias, what are you doing in this bar on a thursday night?” you gesture for him to sit down next to you. “if i told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” elias lets out a soft laugh while sitting down across from you. “tell me, i wanna know.” elias sighs lightly before he starts speaking again. “i’m with them,” he gestures over to brock, jake, quinn, thatcher and troy. you look over to see them all waving at you and laughing at elias, you laugh softly and wave back at the before turning your attention back to elias. “ah, so i’m guessing you’re on the canucks?”

elias lets out a nervous laugh. “yeah, why don’t we go somewhere else where the boys aren’t up my ass?” you take another sip out of your drink. “i would love to.” he holds out his hand for you and as you guys walk out you can hear the guys chirping, but when you look over to elias you can see him giving the death stare to the boys and it makes you laugh. “you have a scary death stare jeez.” elias leads you to his car. “that’s surprisingly what the fans love me for.” he smiles at you before opening the car 

door for you.

-

“…and that’s all what led me to being on the canucks.” elias said to you while eating a chip out of the chip bowl you had prepared. it had been a couple hours since you guys left the bar and went back to your apartment, you don’t know why but it felt like you and elias had such a strong bond already that you both felt like you can talk for hours and hours and never get tired of each other, he felt the same way too. “jeez, i kinda sound like a douche. i’ve been talking about myself all night, please tell me more about you.” elias said to you while you laughed at his words. 

“it’s all good, i’ve been the one asking questions anyways.” you smiled while responding to him. “no seriously, tell me something about you before i have to go which i really don’t want to by the way.” 

you look at the time and realize its almost twelve am so you proceed to give him a quick response. “well, i’ve lived in vancouver my whole life. and i’m currently going to ubc as a nursing student.” you smiled at his now very amused face. 

“see, that’s something i wouldn’t have known if you didn’t say it,” he laughs a little before he finishes his sentence. “can i get your number? i have practice early tomorrow morning but i’m free for the rest of the day if you want to hang out.” 

you smile at his words and take his phone from him. “of course you can, i’m free tomorrow too just give me a call.” you said while handing his phone back to him after you’ve entered your number. elias gives you a wide grin and you both get up so you could walk him to the door. “goodnight elias.” you look up at him with a smile as he’s standing in the doorway. “goodnight y/n, sweet dreams.” he said and then started to walk down the hallway towards the elevator. “pettersson!” you called out at him and he turns around confused. “text me when you get home.” he gives you the thumbs up and you close your door and head to bed. 

no ones ever shown this much attention to elias before, at least no one he’s truly cared about. 

he smiled to himself on his drive home cause he was excited to text you again.

*contact name changed to “y/n<3”* 

text message to y/n<3:i just got home, thank you for the awesome night :).

-

it’s been a couple weeks since you and elias had met at the bar, you basically hung out with each other anytime you could. 

you were each others best friends at this point, sure the guys would make fun of elias for being in love with you but you couldn’t see it, elias knows he has some feelings for you but he wasn’t sure about it yet. he also didn’t want to risk the amazing friendship you guys had started.

“hey, are you coming to the game tonight?” elias asked over the phone to you.

you let out a sigh before you start speaking. “i’ll try, schools been really hard lately but i should be able to finish studying tonight.” elias could hear the tiredness in you voice and it hurt him to see you like this. “y/n, its okay. you don’t have to try and make it, focus on school its way important. you have many more games of mine that you can watch.” he left out a soft chuckle at the end of his sentence. 

“i’ll still try though, i’ll give you a text if i can make it.” you said to him as you looked at the last large text book you had to read through and look at the giant pile of coffee cups surrounding your desk. 

“okay, love you, i gotta go.” “love you too e, good luck.” you both quickly exchanged goodbyes as you started reading your last text book. you knew there was no way you were going to be able to make it to his game tonight and you felt really bad, you sighed it off as you put your attention back to studying and occasionally looking at the canucks game that was now playing on your tv.

-

the game had ended, canucks lost by one but petey is a sore loser so obviously he was sad, which made him show up at your apartment, he brought pizza from your favourite place downtown.

you were passed out on the couch though, which resulted in elias having to pull out his spare key and sneaking into your apartment.

“elias?” you mumbled out as you felt him sit next to where you were laying on the couch, he motioned for you to lay you head on his lap and you did.

“hey sleepy girl, i brought our favourite pizza.” he said to you with a smile. no matter how bad of a day elias was having, you could always make him smile.

you positioned your head so you’re now facing up at him and you give him a big smile. “thank you, can we snuggle and watch a movie?” elias starts rubbing your cheek softly. “of course we can y/n.”

the night ended with you and elias falling asleep on the couch together while watching a movie he had picked out, you both forgot about all the stress from today and just enjoyed the moment.

-

“he loves you, you know that right?” brock said to you as he came by and sat next to you.

it was the start of summer, tanev decided to host a little barbecue for the whole team before everyone left vancouver and went back to their home towns for the summer.

you were sitting in the backyard watching elias talk to huggy. “what?” you said to brock with confusion. “no he doesn’t.”

brock scoffed at your response. “dude, you can’t be serious. how do you not see it.”

you thought about what brock said for awhile before you gave him a response. “does he talk about me?” you looked at brock while taking a sip of your drink. 

“does he talk about you? of course he fucking does y/n, all the time. especially when you don’t show up to our games, it’s worse when we’re on the road.” 

you smile to yourself at what brock said.

-

you were quite tipsy by the end of the night and elias didn’t want to let you go home alone, so you spent the night at his place.

“elias?” you said in your sweet drunken tone as you both settled into his bed, and you faced your body in his direction. 

“yes?” he said while playing with your hair softly. 

“brock said something to me earlier,” you said while pulling your body close to his.

 “of course he did,” he said with a sigh. “what’d he say this time?” 

“apparently you talk about me a lot?” you said with a soft laugh and your fingers now tracing up and down his back.

“yeah, yeah i do. i talk shit about you all the time.” he says sarcastically knowing where this conversation was going.

“hey!” you said as you playfully punched him. “i was going to do something but i guess not anymore.” you said with a huff.

he lifts your chin up to face him. before you knew it you guys were kissing each other, it was a soft, long and sweet kiss.

elias pulled away with a big grin on his face and you did too. you talked to each other for the rest of the night, you ended up falling asleep before elias did but he did too shortly after.

you woke up to the smell of elias making waffles, you hugged him from behind and he didn’t even notice you were awake until you did that.

“it smells really good,” you said to elias before kissing his cheek and begging for him to hug you. 

he pulls you into his grip and whispers in your ear. “do you wanna go to sweden with me for the summer?”

you look up at him with slight shock. “yeah, why not.” you said to him with a smile and he gets very excited and spins you around, you kiss for awhile until you smell something burning and you pull away.

“shit.” elias mumbles as he deals with the burnt waffles and you’re both laughing your asses off.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Rose Coloured Glasses - Part 2

Summary: Starting a 'friends with benefits' relationship with Frank is something new and exciting.... even if your boss Andy has warned you against getting involved with the towns bad boy. But has your boss got other reasons for the warning.... either way you cant seem to stay away from Frank.

When Andy's son is suddenly prime suspect in a murder and his marriage is struggling he turns to you for comfort... or at least his trying to.

A/N- Warning! Poorly written smut happens! 🙈 💕

After calling the tow company and arranging for them to collect my car and take it to their repair shop, i finally got stuck into work. Around lunch time the phone rang interrupting my archiving of Andy's last case.

"Good Afternoon, Andrew Barbers office" i answered as Andy had instructed me on the first day.

"Hey, is this Y/N?"

"It is, who's this?"

"Its Frank" he replied with a chuckle that was way sexier than it should've been!

"Oh... hi, why are you calling Frank? Do you need some legal advise?" I asked in a teasing tone.

"Ha! No actually im good"

"Then why are you calling the assistant DA's office in the middle of the afternoon?"

"Well it occurred to me that i didn't get your number this morning"

"No you didn't"

"Well im gonna need it so we can arrange that drink you owe me"

"Oh i see" i smiled shaking my head "nice play"

"Thank you! So can i have your number?"

I looked up and saw Andy collecting his jacket and heading my way.

"How about you give me yours real quick and i'll text you. My boss is on his way out"

"Sure".

Frank gave me his number and we said a quick goodbye, i ended the call by the time Andy reached my desk.

"Im just going to grab some lunch, can i get you something?" He offered.

"Oh, shouldn't i be the one getting your lunch?"

"You don't have your car remember" he smiled

"Right! In that case i would love to take you up on your offer"

The day had flown by and before i realised it was nearly 5pm, i usually finished at 5pm but i thought id stick around a little longer to make up my time from this morning.

Frank: So what time do u get off?

Y/N: Usually 5, but i guess i'll stay a while longer to make up my hours.

Frank: Meet me for that drink?

Y/N: Sure. Where abouts?

Frank: There's a bar not far from ur office, i can swing by and pick u up....

Y/N: Sounds good, say 6pm?

Frank: c u then 😉

I put my phone face down on my desk and dropped my head into my hands.

"Hey, you okay?" Andy asked looking concerned as he came out his office holding his coffee mug, he was obviously on his way for a refill. I looked up and smiled before nodding my head.

"yeah i'm fine, just been one of those days"

"Why are you still here? You were meant to finish a while ago"

"Thought id make up my time, don't want you thinking i'm not pulling my weight"

"Don't be silly, your car broke down that can't be helped. You want a coffee?"

"Actually i'm good, i'm just gonna finish this up and i'll head out"

"You need a ride home or anything?"

"No its fine, i'll just get a taxi home and hopefully my car will be ready tomorrow"

"Okay..... the offer stands if you need it though"

"Thank you" i smiled before carrying on with the email i was writing.

Around 5:30 i was done with work and decided to quickly go freshen up a bit before meeting Frank. After checking my hair wasn't a mess and putting on some fresh makeup i headed back out saying a quick goodbye to Andy as i passed his office, and went outside to wait for Frank. I was surprised to find him already parked outside waiting, he was stood leaning against his car smoking. When he saw me he smiled instantly making me blush, i still couldn't believe he was interested in me!

"Hey"

"Hey, did your day get better?" He asked smirking.

"Well it didn't get worse, maybe its about to get better now?" I found myself saying, it was so unlike me but Frank seemed to bring it out of me.

"I think i can help with that" he nodded opening up the car door for me to get in.

Little did i know my boss was watching me leave with Frank and he was not happy!

Frank led me into a bar he was obviously a regular at, he greeted so many different people on the way in, introducing me along the way.

"Do you know everyone?" I asked as we took a seat at the bar.

"Small town remember" he gave me that smirk again as he looked me up and down.

"Right" i chuckled as the barman came over to take our order. Frank ordered a Whisky and a Vodka tonic for me, then he was looking at me again with a hunger in his eyes.

"What?" I asked feeling the nerves overtake me "do i have something on my face...."

"No, i just.... your so fucking pretty"

"You say that to all the girls Frank?" I asked in a teasing tone.

"Only when i mean it....." Frank looked up at the barman and nodded as the drinks were placed in front of us "I'm gonna be honest with you Y/N, i haven't been able to stop thinking about you all day its been driving me crazy" he carried on saying once we were alone again. I picked up my drink taking a large mouthful as i processed what he was saying.

"I've been thinking about you too Frank but....." i shook my head as i remembered Andy's warning.

"But?"

"Ive been warned to stay away from you" i admitted just so i could see his reaction "apparently your the towns 'bad boy' who sleeps his way around all the women in town" i finished saying and raised my eyebrows at him. I watched as Franks eyebrows shot up at this news, he nodded before locking his eyes on me again "wow, let me guess... Andy?"

"Yep"

"The guy really doesn't like me" Frank chuckled "i don't know what his problem is to be honest...."

"So his lying?"

"No" he shook his head laughing "i enjoy sex, i didn't know that was a crime. Im a single guy why shouldn't i have some fun?" he shrugged casually.

"Oh...."

"Im not a bad guy though i promise you"

"So why does he think you are?

"Maybe his jealous, Ive heard his marriage isn't great..... maybe his jealous that I've taken a liking to you?"

I couldnt help the laugh that escaped me at that idea "You think thats funny? Ive seen the way he looks at you, and hey, i cant blame him"

"Frank stop, Andy doesn't look at me like that at all. His my boss"

"Doesn't mean his blind though does it" Frank asked leaning toward me.

"You didn't try to seduce his wife did you?" I asked trying to steer the conversation away from me.

"No! I promise" he laughed as i downed the rest of my drink "You want another?" He asked looking at my now empty glass, i nodded quickly.

"One more then i have to go, i still need to work out how I'm getting home"

"I could take you....."

The way he was looking at me right now made me clench my thighs together. The man just radiated sex! There was no way i was going to listen to Andy's warning, if i went into this knowing Frank was only interested in sex it should be fine.... right???

"Okay".

When Frank parked up outside my house i turned to him and invited him in for a drink to which he accepted. Now he was sat on my sofa waiting for me to get the drinks, i was stood in the kitchen filling two glasses with ice and whisky feeling my hands shaking slightly with nerves.

I wasn't the type of girl to casually hook up! What was i doing?? I only met Frank this morning...... but shit, the thought of him was driving me wild.

As i turned to head into the living room Frank was stood there watching me.

"Here you go" i smiled and handed him the glass of whisky, he thanked me and took a mouthful before placing it on the side and walking over to me, backing me up against the kitchen table. His hand came up and caressed my face, his thumb tracing my bottom lip as he looked into my eyes, his gaze then lowered to my mouth before he kissed me. His hands cupping my face as he deepened the kiss and my god.... this man knew what he was doing! I couldnt help but kiss him back with everything i had. Frank lifted me onto the table and stood between my thighs as he made quick work of removing my shirt, he slipped down my bra straps before discarding it completely. His hands pushing up my skirt.... i reached down and grabbed his hand pushing it between my legs where i needed him the most. His hand slipped inside my panties and i let out a moan as he started rubbing my clit, his fingers sliding through my folds easily from how wet i was already. Frank pushed two fingers inside me, his mouth never leaving mine  as he worked me over.

"Fuck...." i moaned gasping for air and throwing my head back. Frank smirked as he knelt down infront of me.... he pulled off my panties leaving my skirt bunched around my waist, he pressed kisses to the inside of ankle trailing up my leg before burying his face in my cunt. I was soon a writhing mess laying back on the kitchen table as he licked and sucked at me like his life depended on it. I cried out when my first orgasm hit, my hands buried in his hair. I pulled him back up and kissed him hard tasting myself on his tongue.

"I need you inside me now...." i said breathlessly between heated kisses. Frank just reached down and quickly released his cock from his jeans and then he was pushing inside me.

"Ah fuck your tight" he groaned as he started working himself in and out of me gradually picking up speed. Before i knew it i was coming again, Frank reaching his end and emptying himself inside me.

I was laying back on the table trying to catch my breath after the best sex of my life, Frank was resting over me looking up at me.

"Are you okay?" He asked reaching his hand up to rest against my neck.

"Yeah i'm great" i nodded quickly smiling down at him as my hands run through his hair "how about you?"

"Im amazing" he chuckled.

"Yes you are!" I agreed and laughed with him "i don't think i can feel my legs".

Frank dropped his head face down into my chest and let out a groan.

"I wanna know why im the only one naked here though" i added when i noticed he was still wearing his shirt, his jeans only low enough to free his cock.

"Im sorry...." he lifted his head to look at me "there wasn't time for that, i needed you too bad" he smiled.

I had expected Frank to get up and leave but when i came out the bathroom he was stood in the kitchen looking through takeout menu's.

"You wanna order some takeout? i don't know about you but i'm starving"

"You read my mind!" I smiled walking over to grab my phone from my bag to call in the order. When i looked i had a missed call and a message from an unknown number, i unlocked my phone and opened the message.

Unknown: Hey Y/N, its Andy. I got your number from your file hope you dont mind. Just wanted to ask if you needed a ride into the office tomorrow? I pass you on my way so i can pick you up if your still without a car. Let me know.

Y/N: Hi Andy, that would be great actually.

Andy: I'll be by around 8am :)

Y/N: Great! See you tomorrow.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit

Rose Coloured Glasses taglist: @readermia @princess-evans-addict

[totally-tae]

The Regular

Character: Namjoon x Reader

Genre: fluff, coffee shop!au, slight angst?

Word count: 5k

You’re working in a coffee shop and Namjoon visits frequently. 

„Christie, I’m taking my break!“ I announce to my co-worker and start taking of my working apron.

“Alright, see you in a bit!” She replies while fixing another customer their coffee.

Almost naturally my gaze drifts over to a particular corner in our little shop. As usual one of our regulars is sitting over there reading hi….wait a minute! Was he just looking at me?

I stop and continue to fold my apron.

No that can’t be. I must be seeing things.

I make my way over to the staff room, but my gaze still lingers on him. Now he’s reading one of his books again and I can’t help but notice that he looks exhausted. Mostly he’s wearing casual, but still sort of trendy clothes. Today, he’s wearing a simple gray hoodie with unruly hair and jogging pants. It still looks hot though, maybe even more than usual. And no that didn’t mean I tend to look at him more than I should.

I sigh and finally manage to look where I’m actually going.

Whenever he is here, he’s reading, writing or doing something on his laptop. Ever since I noticed him (which had basically been the day I started working here), I told myself I would chat him up someday.

Well, guess who still didn’t gather the courage to do so.

The staff room door falls shut behind me and I lean against it, sighing. I’ve been working here for half a year, what was so hard to start a conversation with someone? Especially someone who is always reading a book you could start a conversation about? Right, being afraid of getting rejected.

He probably wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway. I mean he’s the most charming person ever when he orders his Iced Americano, but he obviously got stuff to do, so I would only bother him.

Having these thoughts, I spent my break eating lunch and checking my social media. When I come back to the counter, I glance at the corner again, but he is gone.

The next few weeks continue as usual, although I notice that our regular is not visiting as often as he used to. And every time he actually shows up, his orders of coffee and the dark circles under his eyes increase.

Today is one of these days and although he is a stranger, I can’t help but feel worried. Just a minute ago he ordered his third coffee, extra strong.

I chew on my lip as I prepare his order. Maybe I should ask him if he’s alright? After I finish making his coffee I take a look at the clock and walk over to Christie who is working with me again today. The shop is rather empty now, so I lean closer to her.

“Hey do you mind if I take my break right now?” I ask her in a muted voice.

She instantly turns and looks at me with huge, twinkling eyes.

“Are you going to talk to him?!” She exclaimed a little too loud for my taste.

“Shhhh!!” I put my hand over her mouth hastily and look around the shop. Phew, it seems like he didn’t hear it.

“I guess?” I shrug as I take my hand from her mouth, while giving her a warning look. “I mean he doesn’t look like he is doing very well, so I thought I’d at least ask him how he’s doing…”

“And you think he’d tell you?” She retorted and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. But it’s the intention that counts!”

“Not when you want to get into his pants.” She smirked and I swatted at her arm.

“I don’t want to get into his pants!” I denied maybe a little too quickly. I felt heat rising to my cheeks and turned around, heading his way.

“Anyway if you need me, you know where you can find me.” I stated, making my way over to his table.

My feet slowed down as I neared his table. How should I start this conversation? I can’t just show up and ask him if he is stressed out or something. My eyes focused on the book he was holding in his hand.

“The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas?” I read out loud and he lowered his book to look at me.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, right. You know the book?” He asked me and I shook my head.

“No, only read the title out loud.” I admitted and felt the blush creeping up again.

I set his coffee down on the table and sat down on the seat on the opposite side of the table.

“So what is it about?”

“It’s just a short story. There is this town Omelas and everyone living there is happy and living a good life without anything bad happening to them, but then you find out the dark secret of the town’s happiness. There is a child trapped in small, dirty room living in constant fear and pain which somehow is what makes it possible for the rest of townspeople to live their happy, careless lifes.” He explains to me and I raise my eyebrows in surprise.

“That’s heavy.” I frown and he nods, grabbing his coffee and taking a sip.

“It is, but sadly, not so far off from reality.” He says while looking out the window.

“I guess not your favourite book?”

“No, it’s a very good book, but it manages to drag you down a little.”

“Yeah, it does.”

A short moment of silence followed my sentence in which both of us seemed to think about what to say next. Still not daring to address the concerns I had about his wellbeing I spoke up again.

“So, you’re here pretty often? No Wi-Fi at home?” I joked and he chuckled.

“You’re not far off.” He joined my banter while leaning forward. “But no, I just find it easier to concentrate here.”

“Are you sure? With that amount of coffee you’ve been drinking lately, I kind of doubt it.” I managed to change the topic and he sighed.

“What are you, a psychic?” He sighed, nipping at his coffee again. “Just a little more work than usual, nothing special.”

I nodded and started to get up.

“You always seemed to unwind here...and I kind of want this to be your relax zone, so hit me up if you need anything.” I smiled, not sure what I was saying myself. Then I turned around and made my way back to the counter where I sat down the tray I had used to bring him his coffee. After that I rushed back to the staff room to spend the rest of my break hiding from customers, especially one.

After that encounter with our regular I thought about quitting my job and never returning to the shop, but before I could seriously consider doing that, he stopped showing up.

Maybe I really went too far by telling him I want this place to be his relax zone. I mean who says stuff like that?

I groaned and felt like hitting my head against a wall. No, I was not working today, but I was in a book shop, definitely a place where bumping your head against a wall would be inappropriate as well.

When our regular stopped visiting our café I had bought myself a copy of “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas” and he was right, it was an amazing short story. So now I was standing in front of a bunch of Murakami books and couldn’t decide which one I should buy. I only knew that he read something by Murakami once and since he seemed to have great taste in books, I figured I should give the author a shot as well.

“Hey!” I suddenly hear from my right and turn to see our missing customer standing in front me.

“Oh, hey!” I greet him and close the book I was skimming through. “Long time no see.”

Wait, he’s talking to me? So he wasn’t avoiding the shop because of what I said?

“Yeah, life’s been busy, so I had no time to stop by at the shop.” He explains with a guilty smile and I nod.

“That’s good!” I babbled before I could stop myself. “Uhm, you know that nothing bad happened.” I clarified and he chuckled.

“You were worried?” He questioned me in a more serious tone, the smile fading from his face and a frown appearing.

“Kind of. You didn’t look too well the last few times you were at the shop and since you used to come so often it kind of feels like we know each other, you know?” I told him with a more serious look on my face now, too.

“My name is Y/N by the way.” I added quickly when it dawned on me that we never formally introduced ourselves and extended my hand.

“Right, my name is Namjoon.” He replied and shook my hand. Maybe we shook them a little too long and when we realized we both let go awkwardly.

“So uhm…” Namjoon started and looked around the shop. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for a book.” I shrugged and held the one I was holding up. “I thought about getting one from Murakami, but I’m not sure which one.”

Namjoon only nodded when he heard that and took a look at the various books placed in front of us.

“Have you read some of his books already?” He asked and I shook my head.

“Then it’s easy.” He continued and extended his right arm to grab a book from the top shelf. The title read “Almost Transparent Blue”.

“This one is amazing. I read it a while back, but it’s one of my favourites. I’d recommend it to everyone I know.” He elaborated and handed it to me.

“Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll?” I questioned him and raised a quizzical eyebrow after reading the short description on the back.

He raised his arms in defense.

“You don’t have to buy it, it’s only a recommendation.”

“I guess I’ll give it a shot.” I shrugged and a satisfied grin appeared on his face.

“Good choice.”

We made our way over to the cash point and I paid for the book. Only now I noticed that Namjoon also held a book in his hand, but I couldn’t read the title.

After we finished paying, we exited the shop.

“What are you doing now?” He asked me and I looked at him in surprise. I totally didn’t expect him to ask me that.

“I don’t really have any plans to be honest. What about you?”

“I should get back to work, but I could spare some time for a coffee if you’d like? My treat.”

“Sure! If you really can that is. I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”

“No that’s fine. My job is pretty much like a freelancer at the moment, so don’t worry about it. It’s quite the opposite.” Hearing that made me feel more at ease about it, so we walked over to the nearest coffee shop we could find.

“Let me guess, you’re taking an iced Americano?” Of course I was right, he always orders one in our shop. “Then I’ll take one, too.”

We wait for our drinks and sit down at a cozy little table in the upper floor of the shop. We spent quite some time talking about whatever comes to our minds. Our favourite books, movies, music (a topic he seemed especially passionate about), hobbies and family.

Surprisingly there wasn’t even one moment of awkward silence. When the sun started setting we exited the shop and came to a stop outside the door.

“Wow, it’s getting dark already!” I exclaimed at the rosy view in front of us.

“Shit, you’re right! I’ll better get back to work now.” Namjoon said while scratching his head.

“Oh, sure, sorry I took up so much of your time.”

“No need to apologize for that. It was nice to get my thoughts off from work for a while.”

We exchanged phone numbers before we parted ways and I took the subway to get home.

The following weeks Namjoon was still busy and didn’t visit the shop very often, but after our encounter at the book shop we texted nearly every day. Christie was already teasing me about it constantly, but I brushed her off.

Until Namjoon invited me to a party.

“Come on Christie! I can’t go there on my own! And he said I could bring some friends!” I whined over the phone while Christe groaned.

“But I don’t even know anyone Y/N!”

“I don’t know anyone either! That’s why I need you!” I begged. “Also you can get to know new people much faster than I can, so forget complaining about that.”

“Fineee.” She finally agreed and I cheered, feeling relieved. “But I swear if you run off with Namjoon and I haven’t found an interesting person to chat with, I’ll be mad.”

“I doubt he’d even want to run off with me, but okay, I’ll ask for your permission first.” I chuckled and she laughed as well.

The days at work before the party we chatted about what we should wear, if there would be any cute guys, good food and drinks. And then the day of the party finally came. Christie had come over to my place so we could get ready together. I ended up wearing a classic little black dress, since Namjoon didn’t really tell me why they were having the party, so this was the safest option.

Christie went with a black mini skirt and a crop top. Then we searched for the public transport that would take us there and got going.

When we arrived at our destination, we were not standing in front of a normal building complex with apartments, but some company. Was this party related to his work? But he always somehow avoided talking about his work…

We rung the bell he told me to ring and waited anxiously while exchanging unnerved looks. This was different from what we expected. The door was opened and we went to the elevator and up to the 4th floor. Up there the music could be heard even before the elevator doors opened and I sighed in relief. Now that sounds like a party.

Still a little hesitant, we followed the music and ended up in a huge room filled with people. There were mostly young people, but also some older ones. Definitely work related.

I looked around the room in search for Namjoon, but couldn’t see him anywhere, so we went over to the bar. A drink would at least make it seem like we belonged here.

“I swear to god, I’ve heard BigHit somewhere before…” Christie mumbled and I frowned. When you own no television and don’t really catch up on mainstream media it was no surprise I didn’t know the name.

“Maybe something related to books? Since Namjoon reads a lot.” I shrugged and she shook her head.

“I doubt that.”

We stayed at the bar, continued to chat and watch more and more people arrive until someone tested a microphone. Just now we noticed the little stage like space at one end of the room.

“What is this party?” Christie whispered into my ear and all I could do was shrug again, after all I had no clue.

“Y/N! There you are!” I heard Namjoon’s familiar voice and seconds later he appeared next to me. In that exact moment the older man on the little stage cleared his throat.

“I really need to tell you something. Do you have a minute?” He asked in a hurry and I frowned.

“I promised not to leave my friend Christie alone, since she knows no one, sorry. But you can tell me here?” I suggested and he sighed.

“Not ideal, but I guess it will do.” He mumbled while the guy on stage started talking.

“Good evening everyone! We’re honored that all of you appeared here tonight to celebrate the success of the promotions of ‘You Never Walk Alone’!”

Promotions? You Never Walk Alone? Never heard of it.

“So you see…I never really told you what I work as right? And I guess you already figured out that this party is somehow work related. And the truth is I was so busy the last weeks, because we were promoting ‘You never Walk Alone’ our new album.”

Immediately I turned to him and stared at him with wide eyes and an open mouth, blurring out the man talking in the background.

“You’re a musician?!” I gasped and he nodded, unsure if my reaction was a positive or negative one.

“Yeah…” He admitted and frowned.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s just…I was surprised that you didn’t know at all and I didn’t want to ruin it and act like a jerk who thinks he’s cool because he is successful in the business.”

“Namjoon why would I think you’re a jerk?” I face palmed and he chuckled.

“Who knows?” He shrugged and I laughed it off.

Then music started playing in the background and I turned towards the stage again, where you could see some kind of music video.

“Is this one of your band mates?” I asked when a guy with a cute beanie and a blue cardigan appeared on the screen.

“Yep, that’s Taehyung. I’ll introduce you to them if you want, but I have to go now. See you later?” He questioned me with hopeful eyes and I nodded, then he disappeared into the crowd of people.

I continued to watch the music video and was surprised that Namjoon showed up as the very first person to rap. I was surprised by the sound of his voice and his looks. And we thought he looked stylish when he showed up in our coffee shop. Well, I would never wear a blazer over a sweater, but he looked amazing nonetheless.

The song itself was really calming and not at all what I was expecting from the kind of music Namjoon preferably listens to. Then I caught a glimpse of a word in the video. Omelas! So that’s what he’s been reading it for!

Now that I recognized the word, I tried to read into everything that was going on much more and at the end of the video I was impressed. I couldn’t believe Namjoon was part of this.

Then another video came up and the feeling was entirely different. The name was probably ‘Not Today’ they said that pretty often. But wait? Namjoon had purple hair? I didn’t even notice in the previous video! But he had brown hair now, didn’t he?

The video ended as fast as the first one and I turned to Christie in awe.

“Was that…Namjoon?” She asked in confusion and I nodded slowly.

“Yeah, he just told me he is a musician. Judging from the amount of people here they must be huge! Do we live under a rock or something?!” I complained. I really needed to buy a TV. Like tomorrow.

“You definitely do. I’m more disappointed in myself. I even heard of them, but never looked up their stuff. What the hell.” Christie joined in and we went back to the bar to get another drink.

Then the band got called up on stage and they thanked everyone in the team who worked on the album with them.

Only now I had the chance in to take in Namjoon’s appearance. He looked smoking hot!! How could he look better every single time I saw him?

“Ok, now it’s obvious he’s an idol. All of them are so hot. Y/N you need to introduce me to at least one of them.” Christie insisted and I sighed.

“I don’t even know them myself. And if they’re idols they probably have a dating ban, so don’t get your hopes up.”

She looked at me with concern in her eyes.

“I never got my hopes up okay.” I clarified and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, right.”

In the meanwhile the boys had left the stage and were talking to some of the people in the crowd. I didn’t really want to get in Namjoon’s way and, as Christie pointed out, my hopes up. So we just walked around the decorated room, grabbed some food and then went over to the dance floor.

After a while someone tapped me on the shoulder and I was greeted by Namjoon’s smile.

“Enjoying yourself?” He questioned me and I nodded.

“A little isolated, but we’re having fun.” I joked. “Join us?”

“Nah, I’m not really a dancer.”

“…You’re an idol…?” Christie chimed in and Namjoon shrugged.

“I am, but did you watch the videos just now? Definitely not the best dancer out there.” He continued and I sighed.

“There is no skill level needed to dance with us though.” I countered, but he shook his head.

“I’ll pass for now, but how about I introduce you to the others?” He suggested and of course we agreed, so we followed him over to where the boys were chatting among themselves right now.

“Hey guys! This Y/N and Christie, they work at the coffe shop I usually go to.”

“Oh the girl you…” One of them started, but Namjoon cut in.

“Yes the one I told you I invited to the party.” He stated with a glare and the guy laughed. If I remembered right it was the one with the blue cardigan in the first video.

“Hey! It’s so nice to meet you. Namjoon never told us he had a band.” I greeted them awkwardly and they looked at him, acting offended.

“Wow, are you ashamed of us?” “What did we do to you?” “I’m so disappointed!”

Christie and I laughed and the guys laughed as well. Then Namjoon introduced them one by one and we talked about their music, how long they’ve been together, how long they trained, all that stuff.

At some point I needed to use the restroom, so I excused myself. Before I could rejoin the group however I was caught by Namjoon.

“Hey, can we talk right now? The boys are taking care of Christie, don’t worry” He added when he noticed my concerned look. I couldn’t fathom what he’d want to talk to me about, so I agreed.

We left the room and walked down the hallways, until Namjoon opened the door to a small room.

“A studio?” I asked while looking around.

“My studio.” He explained and I gasped.

“Nice.” I stated while inspecting the room. “A lot of figurines.”

“Oh, yeah, do you think it’s too much?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s your studio anyway, right?” I encouraged him and he seemed relieved that I didn’t mind them. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing in particular. I only wanted to show you some more music. Maybe some of my solo stuff if you want? I mean ‘Spring Day’ and ‘Not Today’ are good, but it doesn’t cover everything we’ve done.”

“I’d love that!”

We sat down in front of his desk and he opened up some files. Their biggest hits and some tracks of his mixtape. Every single song was incredible.

“Ok now I feel like a potato next to you.” I sighed and leaned back into my chair.

“Don’t say that. There are many things you’re better at than I will ever be.” He tried to cheer me up, but I was having none of it.

“Making coffee isn’t the same as creating amazingly beautiful and emotional music. I’ve never seen anyone crying, because they’ve tasted a cup of coffee.” I rolled my eyes.

“It doesn’t have to be work related you know.” He sighed and I shrugged, remaining silent. “We’ll just agree on the fact that you’re great, ok?”

I agreed in defeat and then remembered something.

“Oh, right! I saw an Omelas sign in one of the music videos! Don’t tell me you read the book for that?” I inquired and he chuckled.

“You noticed? I told you it was work related. We have a consistent background story going on in most of our MVs, but it would be too much to explain it to you now.”

“I have time.” I stated and Namjoon laughed.

“As much as I’d like to spend more time alone with you, I still have to show up at the party again or rumors will start circulating.” Ouch.

“Sure…” I mumbled, trying my best to conceal the stinging pain in my chest. Not getting my hopes up had worked really well.

We left Namjoon’s studio behind and and rejoined the others at the actual party location. I noticed Christie chatting happily with Jin and ventured out to the bar by myself where I got another drink. It didn’t take long until another person showed up behind me. Hoseok.

“Hey are you alright?” He asked me with a frown and I smiled at him.

“Sure, I’m fine, why?”

“I don’t know, you seemed unhappy when you came back, so I thought I’d ask.” He shrugged and sat down next to me.

“No, it’s all good.” I insisted, but he was having none of it.

“Did Namjoon say something to you?” He hit the bull’s eye and I sighed. “Look, I don’t know what he said and I don’t want to pry, but I know he appears all smooth and good with words, but when he’s nervous he’s not. I bet whatever he said he only wanted to protect you.”

“Protect me from what?” I furrowed my brows and he grinned.

“Our Armys can get a little wild.” He said and slid off his seat. “Cheer up, ok?”

And with that he disappeared again.

I stayed at the bar for quite a while and tried to sort out my thoughts. Just when I thought I finally managed to do so, Christie and Namjoon appeared.

“There you are! We were searching for you everywhere!” Christe exclaimed and hugged me, clearly a little tipsy.

“Oh, sorry. I only got another drink.” I told them and raised my glass.

“So, the boys and I were planning on taking this party home with some close friends. Do you want to come?” Namjoon suggested and I thought about it for a while.

“Do you want to Christe?” I asked and she nodded eagerly.

“Sure, why not.” I shrugged and not long after we found ourselves in a van driving to their dorm.

Of course not everyone had fit into one van, so we were divided into groups. There was Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Christie, me and two others I didn’t know the names of in the van. Music was playing and everybody was having a good time.

A short time later we parked in an underground parking lot and all of us squeezed into the elevator. The boy’s dorm was tidy and even a little bit decorated. They definitely prepared for this. Taehyung proposed a little house tour for us and we found ourselves wandering through their various rooms.

“Wouldn’t have expected you guys to be so tidy.” Christie pointed out and Taehyung chuckled.

“Hobi is very diligent about us tidying, so we have no choice.”

We walked through a few more rooms until Taehyung opened the door to his own room.

“This is Namjoon’s and my room.” He announced and I looked at the pile of stuffed toys.

“Don’t tell me these are Namjoon’s.” I laughed and Taehyung grinned.

“Ok, I won’t.” He joked and told us that they were rarely home anyway.

After that we walked back into the now packed living room. Christie and I stayed for a few more hours, but decided it was time to leave before it got too late.

“Let me walk you home?” Namjoon asked when they found out that Christie didn’t live too far from their dorm and I had to walk a little longer on my own.

“You don’t have to. I can just take a taxi. No need to leave your own party for that.” I smiled and he shook his head.

“It’s not that I have to, I want to.” He insisted and I sighed, giving in.

We walked up to where Christie lived together and then it was only me and Namjoon.

“So…” I started.

“So?”

“Not afraid of being seen outside with me?” I teased and he looked at me with shock in his eyes. “You know rumors and stuff.” I added hastily and he frowned.

“Yeah Hobi told me you weren’t happy that I said that.”

“He told you?!” I asked. Wow, I’ll never tell Hoseok about my feelings ever again.

“I asked where he’s been and he said he checked on you and I asked why, that’s all. He probably knew I was worried.”

“About what?” I questioned him and he shrugged.

“About you.”

“Why?”

“Look I’m not dumb, I notice when you’re acting strange as well. Of course I get worried.” He clarified and I looked to the ground. Sometimes it really sucked that I couldn’t hide my feelings very well. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings when I said that. I just know that dating as an idol isn’t the best thing to do. And you’d suffer because of it more than I would.”

“Wait, what?!”

Namjoon stopped and I turned around to look at him in the faint street light.

“I like you. From the very first moment I saw you in the coffee shop I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet. I planned on asking you out long ago and when you approached me and we met in the book store…I just knew it was now or never. But you saw that I have close to no time to spend with you, so I thought it would be better not to say anything.”

I stood there in disbelief. My eyes wide, mind blank and a pounding heart.

“Probably shouldn’t have said that…” Namjoon said while scratching the back of his head and started to walk again, but I grabbed his hand. He stopped and turned back towards me, but I still didn’t know what to say.

“So…you’re saying you want to…date me?” I asked quietly and slowly raised my eyes to meet his soft gaze. He nodded quietly.

“I’d like that very much.”

A grin formed on Namjoon’s face and he leaned forward to seal my lips with his.

[hypereactive]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my best friend

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best friend

4. Are you easy to get along with? depends. i try to be, but im also REALLY picky/have strong opinions on a lot of stuff, and im autistic..

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? yeah

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? a caring one, who listens before judging

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yeah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my best friend

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? probably my best friend

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “o”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? uhm. I like A LOT of songs.

billie ellish- bury a friend and you should see me in a crown

rag’n’bone man - human

rebel - black pearl (hes a pirate)

Aladdin soundtrack - Prince Ali and one jump ahead

arctic monkeys - Do I wanna know?

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? rarely

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yea

15. What good thing happened this summer? new job, in my field of study

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yepp

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? probs at least simple life

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? only if I run into him getting coffee (he works there)

19. Do you like bubble baths? if im in the mood

20. Do you like your neighbors? one i do, one i absolutely dont, the rest i dont interact w

21. What are you bad habits? im REALLY picky, and can come off as ungrateful (if u can’t do it right id rather u just not do it. apparently its more common to think at least you got something/they tried.)

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere w the right people. Nowhere without.

23. Do you have trust issues? kinda. More like I understand people wont understand me or meet my needs adequately.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? morning coffee

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chin/teeth

26. What do you do when you wake up? if I have ResponsibilitesTM i get up and get coffee and leave the house in less than 20 min, otherwise i lay in bed on tumblr until i have to get up due to responsibilities or hunger.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? im good w where its at tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yeah. 

30. Do you ever want to get married? yeah

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? lol yesss

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?

33. Spell your name with your chin. bdfuds

34. Do you play sports? What sports? not really. i like frisbee and longboarding if those count.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? no. I cant keep secrets.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? i usu dont. ill just go on my phone/leave/etc

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? my best friend. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? hot topic

40. What do you want to do after high school? lol im not in high school

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did and why, and if they want to grow as a person/make it right

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im tired/overwhelmed/content/bored

43. Do you smile at strangers? if i lock eyes with them and they smiled, i might smile back, but im pretty good at Not Looking At People

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? ResponsibilitiesTM

46. What are you paranoid about? having a heart attack and no one being around to help me/not noticing until its too late

47. Have you ever been high? yea

48. Have you ever been drunk? yea

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? no, but i have wished my parents were

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my chin probs. idk i like myself

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont wear makeup

54. Favourite store? this is a duplicate question.

55. Favourite blog? uhm.

56. Favourite colour? black/grey/light pink/raspberry/celery green

57. Favourite food? cheese, cheddar brats, spinach, chocolate chip cookies, milkshakes

58. Last thing you ate? rice w beef, spinach, egg and soy sauce

59. First thing you ate this morning? coffee and nutella

60. Ever won a competition? For what? I think so but i cant remember. Oh i think I won an anti-bullying poster competition once.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? lol nopee

62. Been arrested? For what? no

63. Ever been in love? few times now

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? uh. no. cuz i didnt even like the dude.

65. Are you hungry right now? no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i only have one real friend so I feel like thats unfair

67. Facebook or Twitter? tumblr.

68. Twitter or Tumblr? still tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? lol no

70. Names of your bestfriends? no, bc hed not appreciate it

71. Craving something? What? not rn

72. What colour are your towels? grey or floral w pinks and blacks and oranges

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes, usu. 2

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? total? uh. 8?

75. Favourite animal? birbs prob.

76. What colour is your underwear? why?

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate, unless its ice cream. then vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? berry (any) or cheesecake (also any)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? grey

80. What colour pants? a darker grey

81. Favourite tv show? uh. i like sherlock.

82. Favourite movie? deadpool probs. or pirates of the Caribbean. or Aladdin. or detective pikachu.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? never seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? never seen either

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? n/a

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? uhm. I cant remember. Probs the black and white one w the scar, or the starfish, or the sea gull

87. First person you talked to today? my sister

88. Last person you talked to today? my best friend

89. Name a person you hate? my past roommate

90. Name a person you love? my best friend

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? my past roommate and most recent ex

92. In a fight with someone? currently? no? ever? yes.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 6

95. Last movie you watched? i dont know

96. Favourite actress? i dunno

97. Favourite actor? i dunno

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? no

100. How are you feeling? i dont know

101. Do you type fast? yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past? yeah, but not overly

103. Can you spell well? i think so 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? i dont think so, but i want to (w the right people)

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yeah, oops

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yep

108. What should you be doing? cleaning my house

109. Is something irritating you right now? no

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yea

111. Do you have trust issues? yea

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my best friend

113. What was your childhood nickname? B. as in, just the letter

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yea

115. Do you play the Wii? no

116. Are you listening to music right now? yea

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? not usually

118. Do you like Chinese food? i think so

119. Favourite book? uhm. sherlock (the whole series). the uglies series (scott westerfield). the secret garden. Fahrenheit 451. 1984. 

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no, but sometimes im afraid theres something in it

121. Are you mean? no

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? if i want to

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure i know what this means

126. Are you currently bored? no

127. What makes you happy? i dont know

128. Would you change your name? no

129. What your zodiac sign? gemini

130. Do you like subway? i cant eat there

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? lol weve been dating for a while now

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my best friend

133. Favourite lyrics right now? uh. I dont know.

134. Can you count to one million? that would take a month, so no.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i dont know. probably that i couldnt go to work bc i was “throwing up from a migraine” when i hadnt thrown up (yet).

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? it varies

137. How tall are you? i think im like. 5′8″?

138. Curly or Straight hair? curly. but not consistent

139. Brunette or Blonde? i am a brunette

140. Summer or Winter? winter. i can always wear more clothes

141. Night or Day? night. its quiet and calm

142. Favourite month? august and october

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? yes.

145. Tea or Coffee? yes. depends on time of day/year/mood/etc

146. Was today a good day? i dont know

147. Mars or Snickers? mars

148. What’s your favourite quote? “if you cant explain it simply, you dont understand it well enough” -einstien is one of them. but there are more

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont know

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “aunt lillian’s footsteps became more distant, became whispers, were gone.”

@ramblebrambleamble i got bored and answered all of them

[love-beautiful-disasterxo-blog]

Mental Health

Mental health is something i personally dont think is taken seriously, i am writing this today to let anyone know dealing with mental illness’s know you are not alone. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and hypochondria and let me tell you it is pure hell. I wasnt dignoased untill i was 27 years old, about 7 months ago now. But i have always had anxiety and panic attacks here and there, but i was always able to control them and my worry. I have always been one to worry about my health and others close to me, but nothing like this. Let me give you alittle back story about myself. Both my parents were addicts my father was a funcontiong alcholic my mother was addicted to well about anything she could get her hands on. My father was always a drinker ever since i could remeber in every old photo we have theres always a beer in his hands. But of course being young i never thought anything of it untill one day him and my mom sat me down and told me he was going to re-hab, i remeber crying beacuse i didnt understand, why was my dad going away? And then they proceded to tell me that my dad needed help. So off my dad went to re-hab for 3 months, and i was left alone to watch my drug addict mother. My mom has very many health problems she has arthrits in every inch of her body she can barley move anymore. So when this first all started she was taking narkos 1000mg, then it turned into oxycottin, morphine, fentna patches, coke pretty much anything she could get her hands on. As this went on we realized my mom was going to multiple diffrent doctors to get pain pills and edventually she got “ red flagged “ whitch pretty much she got caught and then couldnt get any more pain medicine from any doctors in macomb county. So around the time that happned i was having terrible teeth issues, and headaches and i would tell my mom my teeth would hurt.. “ here take this” and it would be a 1000mg narko. when my mom would run out of her pills she would have me go to urgent care to say my teeth hurt and the first time i went they just so happened to give me vicodin. So that started my mom taking me to urgent care to give pills so she could have them. I was young at the time i thought she really needed them, all i seen was my mom in terrible pain !! And then i had to get all 4 of my widsom teeth surgericaly removed at once. So of course they gave me vicodin and i had about 3 reffills on them. I was in so much pain so of course i took them it was terrible !! Well my mom would eaither come into my room when i was sleeping and take some from me or she would come in and ask me for  “ a few “ i think i went thru 30 vicidons in 2 weeks beacuse of her taking them. So that is when i really noticed she had a problem. Fast foward a few months my dad was home from rehab clean,healthy, and happy ! But my mom was on a downward spiral. The first time i have ever seen my mom overdose.... i was upstairs in my room with my best friend at the time and all the sudden my dad was screaming my name ! of course i thought i was introuble ! so i walked down stairs to see my mom face down on the coffe table and my great dain on the other side of her with his head on the coffee table crying, i went into panic mode right away i remeber covering my mouth and starting to cry. My dad looked at me and said “ dont panic call 911 ! “ so i called 911. Before they had gotten there my mom had started to come to, she picked her face off the coffee table and she had busted her face all open. Her eyes were pinned, she had this scary look in her eye. The abulnace got there and of course they started asking her all these queshtions “ what did you take ? “ and she started fighting them...pushing them screaming at them. They asked her “ who is this girl?” and they pointed at me and she looked at me and said “ i dont know who she is.” my heart broke into peices. It was then my dad got out all her pill bottles and began coutning them and seeing when she had gotten them filled and what not. She would get a GIANT bottle of 1000mg narkos a month so i would say about 60 ? If not more. Plus all the other pills she was getting from the other doctors. My dad had someone figured out she had taken at least 4 narkos, 2 oxycottins plus her lyrica. She had overdosed. They finally took her away i remeber walking up to the stretcher crying and saying “ mom please you have to get better you have to come home .” and she just looked at me with this blank stare in her eyes and said nothing. On the way to the hospital she had i think 7 sezuires and some more when they put her in a room. They put her in ICU and put her in lock down beacuse she became viloent. The next day i went and seen her she still had this blank stare in her eyes. But she knew who i was...my mom was strapped downt to her bed beacuse she was trying to rip out everything she was hooked up to. I was about 13 years old ? Could you imagine seeing your mom like that at 13 years old ? So after a week or so they finally let her go home. My dad had locked all her pills in a lock box hide the lock box and he was going to start giving her her pills. Well a few days went by and my mom began searching for the lock box and i guess she had found it and figured out the passcode for it..... i came home from a friends house and there was 2 abluance sitting in front of my house so of course i rush into the house to find my dad,multiple paramedics doing CPR on my mom in her bed. She had overdosed again and actually went into respatory faluire this time. While the EMT was doing CPR my dad was cheaking her body for some reason....well my mom had gotten fenna patches..mind you your only suposse to put ONE on...she had 1 on each of her ankles, 1 on each of her shoulders and one on her chest, and my dad had also found cut up patches in the bathroom she had been sucking the pain medication out of the patches. And to be honest i dont remeber what happend after that. I know they took her to the hospital but that is all i rember. She came home and of course again we all are watching her. And shes walking around the house like nothing ever happned like everything was just fine ! Fast foward a few months things have “ calmed down “ at the house i guess you could say or at least we thought...i came home and my brother told me he went upstairs to check on mom and she had fallen alseep with a ciggarette in her mouth and the bed was starting to catch on fire my brother had to throw a melted bowl of ice cream on it to put it out. She would node off alot. Thats how i leanred how to drive... my mom would fall asleep at the wheel and i would have to drive. I started driving when i was about 13 years old. Around this time my sister was also 9 months pregnat. ( my story is all over the place sorry guys ) BEFORE my sister got pregnat my sister was also a addict and lived with her boyfriend at the time so she wasnt really around for alot of this, but when she was home her and my mom would fight SO BAD i mean fist fight..throw things at eachother and i would have to break it out. Anyways my sister was about to pop ! And she finally had my wonderful, amazing, beautiful niece. All was “ well “ once she was born my sister moved back home my mom was pretty concentrated on the baby. Fast foward a few months... me, my sister, my mom were talking about my niece and how she had started crawling and my mom got this look in her eye and just began to cry and said “ i dont remeber that.” even tho my mom was right there cheering her on and she cralwed. THAT is when my mom decied to go to rehab she didnt want to miss watching her grow up. So she went to this rehab that was actually pretty far away and she stayed there for along time...at that time i was in highschool i had to drop out. I felt like i needed to stay home and help my dad and keep a eye on him as well so he didnt relapse beacuse when he got home from dropping my mom off at rehab he walked into the house and grabbed me and hugged me as he cryed on my shoulders and said “ that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.” so i was scared he was going to relapse. Now let me just say for the record i was not a good child by all means while all this was going on with my mom and dad i was out drinking every single night partying, and also popping pills. I thought i was just out being a teenage tho yano ! having fun living my life but now i know i was trying to numb the pain, earse these horrible memories. I was hangin out with the wrong people at the wrong time and i got caught stealing from a store... all my “ friends “ i was with bailed on me and left me to get caught. They called my mom she came up to the sore and said “ we can eaither band her from the sore or call the cops.” my mom told them to call the cops.. i was about 16-17 at this time. Cops came the store pressed charges on me. I had to go to court and all that great stuff. Well they were so close to sending me to a juvinal center but my mom and dad were sobbing and i think thats what got me out of that. Instead i got placed on probsation, had to do community service, substance abuse classes and i had a curfew. Mind you summer had JUST BEGAN. So at this time i was so pissed at my mom for making them call the cops yes i know she was trying to teach me a lesson. The first day i was on probation what did i do? I went out and got really really really drunk with friends, I was suposse to be in the house by 6pm every single night. Was i home at 6pm? no. my probation officer would call my house to make sure i was home and she did.... she was calling my phone along with my parents trying to figure out where i was and why i wasnt home. I was to drunk to care. All my frinds knew what was going on and they knew i was suposse to be home so they began trying to talk me into going home. And i just got angry at them beacuse i didnt want to go ! I remeber my one friend telling me “ get in the car we are runnning to the store.” so im like okay! they put me in the back seat and the turned all the child locks on and i quickly knew what was going on...i began screaming and crying and trying to kick out the windows of my friends car. So they finally got me home i was so drunk and angry by the time i got into my house my parents called amblunace to come take me to the hospital beacuse they thought i had alcholo poisning. All i rember is that amblunace coming and that is it. So after a night in the hospital...i think? I came home had to go see my probation officer of course whitch she then put me on house arrest for the rest of the summer. I was so upset and mad !!! ( But i did it to myself ) So my friends and boyfriend at the time would have to come over and sit at my house if they wanted to hangout. IT SUCKED !!!! So over this course of time i became really depressed and started cutting myself. But let me tell you i sure did learn my lesson i never ever again even thought about stealing ever again! Oh and before ALL OF THIS happened ( like i said sorry guys this is all over the place ) i had lost my grandmother when i was about 11 my grandma was my best friend. my grandparents had this beatiful house in lexington and let me tell you we were SPOILED KIDS! I would get so excited to go there to see my grandma, god she was just amazing and beautiful and the sweetest thing in the world !!! My grandma then got sick she had a anyersum whitch caused a stoke. she then lost the ability to speak and movment on parts of her body. After that happened she was in the hospital for a while, she came home and i rember her just having this huge smille on her face and she started talking to me and i couldnt understand what she was trying to say to me... i was heartbroken, scared, confused i didnt understand why she sounded like this? But i just hugged her crying and knodding my head. After a while you could start to understand what she was trying to say. After her stroke she LOVED to hum she would just hum all day long and she was still so happy !!! I can her her beautiful humming till this day. But then grandma had gotten even more sick...cancer. And she passed away. I remeber coming home from my aunts house and everyone was standing in my kitchen my dad, mom, sister, my other two aunts, and my grandpa. I remever feeling excited beacuse i thought “ yay grandma is here !” but everyone was crying... My dad told me to sit down, and my grandpa started to say “ hunny grandma..... and before he could finish i dropped to my knees sobbing. My grandmas death really took a toll on my like i said she was my best friend. Okay so going back again sorry guys ! around the time my mom and dad just got out of rehab, it was about 10pm at night and i was texting a few of my frends they were all together at a frineds house drikning and they wnated me to come over. So i went and asked my mom if they could come pick me up and i rember my mom saying” no ! it so way to late your not leaving !” so of course i got all mad and texted them i couldmt come, And the friend i was texting at the time was all upset beacuse they were on their way to come get me and blah blah blah ! he then texts me and says “ okay well we are going to go to the store instead then.” i remeber texting him back and telling him “ is that a good idea?please be careful and put your seat belt on!” he texted me back “ i will.” So a few hours went back and he wouldnt awnser my texts or pick up his phone. I thought okay maybe they all passed out drunk and went to sleep. so i went to bed. in the morning i woke up to about 28 missed called and about 30 somthing messages from a buncha of people telling me to call them asap ! I went downstairs and on the news was a bad accident a couple of teenagers had wrapped there car around a tree last night. Those couple of teenagers were the ones i was texting the night before... my heart sank i called everyone back that had called me thinking “ no this isnt real ! “ and they had all confirmed that had passed away. A few months had passed and i started getting messages on myspace at the time and texts from random people telling me “ it should have been me in the car, it was my fault they died.” and i totally thought it was my fault they were dead for years. Nowwww fast foward to when i turned 19-20 ? I had met this guy and started hangin out with him alot ! and i am still with him have been for almost 10 years. I moved in with him, his mom and grandma about 6 months into our realshonship. We spent every single day togehter i grew very close with his family. Fast foward about a almost a year we were downstairs watching tv with his mom and grandma like we always did everynight ! And all the sudden his grandma couldnt see out of her left eye, so we rushed her to the hospital come to find out she was having stroke beacuse she had abrain anersuym. So she was suposse to have brain surgery to get it removed a few months after they had found it. She had started to develope demintcha she would think my boyfriend who was 23 at the time was a baby and she would think she would have to go change his dipar. She would ask where my boyfriends dad is all the time and mind you he passed away from lung cancer when my boyfiend was 12. So it was really scary seeing that stuff. Fast foward a couple months the day before her srugery had came ! we were all really nervouis about it of course but not her she was a bad ass. She was just like yeah whatever ! So we all went to bed early beacuse we obvisally had to be up early to go to the hospital the next day. Well we got woken up by my boyfriends mom busting into our room screaming “ shes not waking up she wont get up.” my boyfriend ran downstairs while i sat upstairs trying to comfort his mom, then my boyfriend yelled for me to call 911. At this time we lived in a apartment that was likke a damn bomb shelter so we had no serive in that place. so i grabbed my phone and i ran downstairs to call 911 and there i seen him performing CPR on his grandmother. The ambluance arrived and again tryed bringing her back. But she was gone, she had passed away in her sleep the day before her surgery. As we sat around her body for HOURS waiting for the corner to get there. I think that is when it all started for me... just how fast it can happen like that...one day your here the next your not. That is when my fear of death started. Fast foward to about 2018. My grandma ( my moms mom ) had gotten sick, we all thought it was nothing and she was bounce right back like she always did ! she was a strong itlitan women ! But then we found out she had stage 4 lung cancer. The doctors said she had it for along time and it has taken over her lungs. Mind you my grandma always had a TERRIBLE hacking cough but she had always had that ever since i remebered !!! but that terrible cough was the cancer taking over her lungs. And the only reason she went to the doctors is beacuse she was a having a pain in her back and she was getting really out of breath and thats when they found it. I remeber i was at work when i found out, i texted her and said “ grandma youll get thru this, you have to get thru this i need you !” and she repiled “ dont worry sweetheart ill be just fine.” about a week later my grandma was in hospis. It took that short of time for the cancer to actaully spread to her bones and she got stage 2 bone cancer. One day we were all up there visiting her beacuse we knew she didnt have long and she knew it too.... the preiset came in and read her her last rights. And let me tell you that was the most saddest thing to watch and hear. To just know this man is hear to read me this beacuse i am going to pass away anyday now....after that my grandmother began deterating quickly, she slept 90% of the time, she didnt eat, didnt drink, she couldnt open her eyes. They had her on a 24 hour morphine drip just to keep her comfotable. We were all up there every single day. My mom and aunt would take turns staying the night at the hospital. Till one night my dad and uncle talked them into just coming home and getting some rest and they could go back tomorrow. That night nobody was there my grandma passed away in her sleep at 4am. The doctor said she had been waiting to be left alone so nobody had to be there when it happened. Its been 3 years now since my grandma has been hgone and god damn do i miss her. Now at this time me, my boyfriend and his mom had moved into this old farm house we were renting out from this TERRIBLE lady ! but we had no where to go. This house was fallling apart the windows wouldnt open, the floors were snking in, the foundation was cracking, there was mold in the back room, we had propain heat and this house was NOT ventailed well at al.... like i said it was like a old 70s farm house... and we had well water.  After about a year of living there i became really sad and thats when i noticed my anxiety. The house just didnt feel like home. We were about 30 minutes from the closest store it just sucked. and the landlord was terrible she would always yell at us for shit even tho we tryed fiixng that house up the best we could ! i scrubbed that house from top to bottom ! we re-painted i re-did the enire outside put in some flowers and what not to make it look some what decent. But she still treated us like shit. We always lost power, the wind would blow the wrong way and boom no power, the winders were very cold like i said we had propain heat and the only heater was in the living room the pipes would freeze if we didnt have the water running. We lived on a dirt road whitch in the winter time was nothing but a sheet of ice. And at this time me and my boyfriend both didnt have jobs we had just moved there. So i finally got a job at tacobell...worst mistake ever. That job broke me down til there was nothing left of me. It made me angry,sad and stresssed ! And i did it for 6 years ONLY beacuse my boyfriend had yet to find a job.... he went without a job for a long time.... and i was the only one with a car so everything felll on me....to cleaning the house, to working, everyone using my car, me buying things for myself, him and his mom. It was just realy stressfull. But that is when i noticed my anxiety getting alittle worse well at the time i didnt know it was anxiety but i ended up doing tones of research on it and everything pointed to anxiety. I woulld have panicattacks here and there but not very offten, and they were really random as well. And i was able to control them and my anxiety with home remidies and what not! But i have always been the person to stress before theres even stress to stress about but i never thought anything of it i just thought it was me stressing out ! And looking back now i would always have to clean the house and get things done when i planned to do it and it wasnt just vaccuming or dusting it was scrubbing the walks doing all the laundry, re organzing things, i would get home from work at 4pm and literally not stop untill about 10-11pm at night. so i was always on the go always ! i was working 50 hours a week, i was a store manager at the time so everything at the sore fell on me as well. So fast foward to november 2018 around that time i had noticed my attacks becoming more frequent. My boyfrind had finally found a good job and i was so excited i thought everything was going to change ! and 2 weeks into the job he quit, right back at sqaure one, at this point i had also leased a jeep so i now had 2 cars a truck and my jeep he was driving the truck, and of course it broke down and he never fixed it. so back to sqaure one with 1 car, things at work were becoming really stressfull with the holidays coming up so i was working alot more then 50 hours mind you i was salary so i only got paid for 8 hours. so stress from everything falling on me, him not working, the truck breaking, getting a new car, the winter ( i hate winter ), being depressed about living in that house and having no life beacuse i worked so much i was just a mess. So one night we go to sleep right everything was fine i was fine ! i had alittle cough so i took some cough medicine and went to sleep. We got woken up around 4am from his mom coming into our room telling us that his uncle ( her brother ) was in the hospital on life support, i was shocked and said but i was so tired i couldnt understand anything ! so my boyfriend jumped outta bed and went into the living rooom to see what happened. so it was 4am there was nothing we could really do, it was snowing like crazy so we all just tried going back to sleep. Now what had happened with his uncle is her had a tripple bypass i belive after he had a heartattack along time ago, his heart wasnt well, he was also diabetic and a heavyer set guy. He woke up in the middle of the night really cold i guess and his wife woke up and asked him what was wrong he said “ im really really cold !” so he got up to get a blanket and use the restroom, he then busted back into his bedroom telling his wife to call 911, so she did before she could even figure out what was hapeening. Well what was happenig his lungs were filling up with fluid and filling quickly, she was on the phone with 911 and he was begging her to tell them “ hurry i dont want to die .” he was sufforcating. By the time they got there he was blue and wasnt breathing he had died before they got there. Then in the amblanuce they brought him back and he crashed again. Then they got his to the hospital and got him back again but by that tiime it was to late he had went 17 minutes without any oxygen to his brain. His brain was swelling his lungs were stilling filing up with fluid. He was on life support for i think 3 days. So THAT morning i woke up and my entire life was flipped upside down.... i woke up having a TERRIBLE PANIC ATTACK i felt like my lungs had collapssed on me. I was having BAD disrealaztion whitch at the time i didnt even know excisted !!! So i woke up and ran outside beacuse before when i would have attacks i would go outside and it was ease up....not this time. My panic attack lasted about 1 hour i couldnt breath, i was so confused, i didnt know what was happening, my heart felt really weird, i felt like i didnt know what was going on around me, i was sweating, crying, hyperventalating, my hands started to go dumb and lock up on me. I finally calmed down a bit but i still felt SO WEIRD not only beacuse of the disrealazation but i just didnt feel like ME its like my brain just did a completely 180 on me, so we went up to the hospital to say our goodbyes to his uncle and what not, and the whole way there i was just freaking out beacues of the way i was feeling ! i remeber i was in the back seat and i HAD to be touching my boyfriends shoulder or i would just freak out ! We got to the hospital and i hugged everyone telling them how sorry i was.But after that its like i couldnt talk words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. we went into the room to see his uncle ( mind you hes on life supprort hooked up to all sorts of things ) and my boygfriend asked me “ are you okay are you going to be able to go in? “ i was like yeah i should be fine. So we went in and i wasnt fine....i just stood there in shock staring at his uncle beacuse we had just seen him and he was fine, laughing, joking around, picking on me like he always does! But now there he was having a machine help him breath, no brain activity, you could see his face swelling from the brain swelling. The whole room began to spin and i got really sweaty. I wanted to cry cuz i was really sad and upset about it ! he was a amazing man ! but i just couldnt nothing would come out !!! So after saying our goodbyes and talking to everyone we went home. Again i had to be touching my boyfriend in the back seat. We got home around 10pm i beliave and i started having these terrible attacks, i again felt like my lungs were collapssing but this time it felt really real my chest was hurting, my body was so tense i would barley move, i was so dizzy, i was this overwhelming feeling of just pure DOOM. I thought forsure i was going to die. i thought that was it. So my boyfriend rushed me to the hospital i could telll on his face he was scared too....i never had a attack like this not this strong.  As we are driving im begging him to go faster as im grabbing my chest telling him i cant breath. We get to the hospital and i try to explain to them whats going on. so they take my vitals whitch were all normal i think ? i dont remember. and had me go sit back in the waiting room, i was still sobbing cuz i was so scared and i couldnt breath i was still grabbing my chest, i tryed sitting down but i couldnt its like my insides were crawling !! so i had to pase the hallway untill they called me back. they finally called me back i got into the room and they asked me yet again what was going on and i told them everything i was felling they hooked me up to a ECG, blood pressure cup and oxyen finger thingy. Mind you i still couldnt breath and this is going on about 2 hours now. i ripped everything off of me and i walked into the hallway begging the nurse to put oxygen on me. I dont know why but i thought it would help me ! and shes like “ i really dont think you need it your not pasty or blue but if it will make you feel better yes.” so she came in and put pxygen on me i began taking deep breaths hopping i would be able to breath again and slowky i was able to breath again, they ended up running TONES of blood work on me, chest xrays, EKGS and urine tests on me. and everything came back fine.there like you had  a panic attaack. im like no ! i have had a panic attakc before it felt nothing like this !!! And they cointued to tell me theu found notrhing wrong at all. I was so fucking confused and scared so from there they gave me valium, first time i have ever had it ! and with in 10-20 minutes i was fine. really tired but fine ! i thought to myself “ okay that was just a really bad panic attack i was overwheilmed by everything going on ill go home go to bed and wake up and everything will be fine!” boy was i wrong.... i woke up having a terrible panic attack again, disrealazation was still with me strong as ever. I just kept thinking to myself this cant be happening to me again i am dying !!!! This one lasted about 1 hour and after that i was really tired but i still was feeling really weird really off like somthing just wasnt right !!! from that night on i had at least 4 panic attacks a day and inbetwwen those panic attacks i was having anxiety attavcks. i was in the ER almost everyday. in the matter of 3 months i was in the ER at least 60 times.and each time they found nothing. I began going to other hosptails beacuse i thought they werent looking hard enough i literally thought i was dying from somthing. disrealaztion for me lasted about 2 months straight. Then i started to get horrible memory loss, terrible night sweats, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt function. i wasnt eating or drinking. so everytime i would go to the hospital they would pump me full of fluids. when i started getting the memory loss i was freaking out even more i was conviced somthing was wromg with my head thats why this was all happening i have a tumor or somthing i thought to myself !!! so off to the hospital we went.... they did a nuero exam on me and said everything looked great and did stroke tests on me too said all looked fine ! i began crying hysterically. Then the dr said would you feel better if we did a CT scan, i said yes please !!! so they did so. all came back clear. I was so confused again and frustarted i didnt understand what was happening !!!! And the memory loss contuined to get worse so i went to the hiospital a few more times for it i had another CT scan a few months after that, still all clear. At this point in time i became obssesed in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with him ! I started googling none stop, reading books about anxiety, listing to popcasts, i began trying everything, journaling, mediataing, cut out all caffine, trying essental oils, breathing techinques you name it ive tryed it. Nothing seemed to help. I decied to go see a physcaligist ive never went thru any of this before so i didnt know what to expect. He asked me a bunch of queshtions but before he would even start asking me queshtions i started crying. So by the end of it i was dignosed with GAD, ocd and depression. He put me on lexapro and ativan. I took the lexapro for a week and it made every 10 times worse i couldnt take it anymore. At that point i decied to try the natural route and bought $50 worth of supplemts that didnt help. So i seen a diffrent physcartist beacuse i didnt really like him. She added another great ole trate to my diganoses health anxiety. She put me on paxil and ativan. The ativan is the only thing that kept me sane. It was like once i took the ativan all my problems fadded away but once it wore off i was full of anxiety again. Now here we are 7 months later. Still in and out of the hospital not as much. Still on paxil 30mg and ativan 1mg twice a day. Still fearing that i am dying every single day. I didnt belive the doctors so i took it apon myself to go see all these specialist, i just had this gut feeling like my body was telling me somthing was wrong !!! ( still do ) So i started off with a nueroligst told him all my smyptoms done and by the end of the vist he wanted me to get 13 diffrent tests done. So lets see if i can remeber them all... i had brain and nack MRI, a brain MRA, EMG, nerve testings on my legs and arms, some inner ear testing, VAG test, a test to see if i was having sezuires and theres more i just cant remeber them all. But at the end of it nothing was found but polyps in my sinus cavity, a vistbular disorder and thats it. Then i went on to see a rhymotligist where she testsed me for every autoammone diease possible, also arthrits and FYBO. she found nothing but slight carppel tunnel in my right wrist. Then i went and seen a ears, nose and throat docotor, he found a lump in my thyroid that i JUST had biopsied 3 days ago and waiting for the results. I also seen a cardioligist i wore a halther monitor for 2 days they found nothing but a few PVCS and one SVT, i had a stress test done whitch came back perfect and a echo whitch where they found a thicking of one of my artires but he said it wasnt effecting me at all and i probaly was born with it and my body has learned to work around it. I also seen a vision specialst and my eyes are fine just need new glasses. So like i said i now take 30mg of paxil 1mg of ativan and i make doctor appts on the regular still beacuse im still not convinced this is anxiety. I am suposse to see the nureoligist in sept. for a fallow up but i made a earlier appt beacuse of the symptoms im still having im still convined somthing is wrong with my head. And mind while all this is first starting im still trying to work at the job were i work 50 hours a week as a store manager, i had to demote myself to assistant manager beacuse i couldnt handle it anymore, and i was barley at work beacuse i was always at the hospital. so about 3 months after demoting myself they fired me. So me and my boyfriend were both without a job so lets add that on. So i had this brillant idea of moving..... i thought maybe its beacuse of this house we are in maybe thats my issue ! So i went out put a down payment on a brand new trailer and we moved smack dab in the middle of winter. But yet i still felt terrible, i wasnt even excited about moving i felt nothing. i felt numb to everything. So hear i am still suffering each and everyday in this new trailer. I did have a job but i recently just quit it 2 days ago. I couldnt stand working there i felt like it was bringing me down more. but the plus side of that is i have 4 interviews on monday ! oh and my boyfriend HAD a awesome job landscpaing making good money ! and he quit that about 2 weeks ago. We still are with 1 car ( mine ) beacuse he has yet to fix the truck. Ive been on paxil for about 3 months now and ativan for about 4 months. The paxil has helped ease the anxiety alot. the ativan is the only thing that keeps me sane. But i still suffer everyday. i am so depressed. i am not the person i once was. I use to love being outside doing things, i loved cleaning beacuse it calmed me and i felt better after doing so, i use to love having fun and laughing i use to love working ! i was the person that ALWAYS had to be doing somthing. But now i am the complete oppisite. i dont know what it feels like to be truley happy anymore, to laugh, to smile, to not be scared or worried. I have no idea what it feels like to be normal anymore. I wake up everyday wishing, hoping, praying today will be a good day, but it never is. Anxiety or whatever this is hit me like a god damn fright train and has totally ruined my life and who i am. I know this was a super long post but i need to know im not the only one out there feeling these things. I need to know i am not dying, i am not crazy. Is a anxiety disorder really THIS BAD ?! Thanks so much for reading guys and please please please feel free to reach out. im going to list my symptoms below. And im going to try to keep posting. Thanks guys.

Everyday symptoms:

when i wake up in the morning or from a nap i feel really weird and spacey.

Night sweats

Blurry vision

shaking

memory loss

mood swings

genreal feeling of just fear

always on edge

crying spells

my body aches ( almost feel as if my body is bruised on the inside)

ALWAYS TIRED

back and neck pain and stiffness

my legs and arms randomly go tingly

pee ALOT

sleep alot

i dont remeber my dreams

overwhelming saddness

my head offten feels weird, its a feeling i cant even explain it feels like my brain is just going to shut down

ears ring

headaces

brain fog

somtimes when i wake up in the morning i feel swollen but my body isnt actutaly swollen

heart palpations

twitching/cramps

i sweat alot

my appetite is eaither there or its not

random dizzy spells

pressure in my head

feel the need to do somthing but not sure what it is

lost all intrest in everything

always thirsty

feeling like anxiety or health issues are always on my mind

i dont talk much anymore

i have isolated myself from almost everyone

no sex drive

constant reassurance

craving for sugar

cant figure out my triggers ( this causes alot of anxiety )

WHEN IM HAVING A ATTACK:

my mind goes blank or my thoughts race

half the time i cant understand my thoughts

i think and feel like im going to die

body tenses up

hyperventalate

the strong urge to just give up

fear that this will be my life forever

I USE TO GET A RACING HEART BUT NOW I DONT*** now i just feel like my heart beats funny and i get palpations here and there

uncontroble crying

this scary feeling whitch im assuming is impending doom

sudden urge to pee

feeling like my body is just shutting down

my memory seems to get worse in the middle of a attack

i recently started having suicidel thoughts

thinking about whats going to happen later or tomorrow ( how im going to feel what im going to do )

i get so upset that i am having a attack and cant figure out why so i will try to think of why im having a attack

[lifesruiner]

No tengo miedo de apostarte, perderte si me da pavor.

Simon and Luna are stepbrothers and just arrived from Mexico to Argentina, they inmediatly friend Nina, but the power trio of the school gets really interested in this new squad.  

Chapter 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1 

-And she knew about all the autors I’ve read, can you believe it bro? -Gastón was telling enthusiastic to Matteo -Then I asked if she wanted to go to the movies tomorrow, she said yes, and recommended the same movie I was thinking, she is like my soul mate -Gastón said letting a hopeless sigh out 

-Hey, I thought I was your soulmate -Matteo said faking hurt, placing a hand in his chest 

-You are, but, a different kind, our love can’t be disturbed for anything or anyone -Gastón said placing an arm around his shoulders -But right now I want to go to find Nina, where do you think she is? 

-I don’t know bud, I don’t know her that well, maybe she is in the rink -Matteo said trying to guess 

-Nah, she doesn’t skate, I am going to look for her in the back, that is a calm place to read, maybe she is there -Gastón said leaving Matteo there about to enter the cafeteria, Matteo was happy for Gaston, he couldn’t remember the last time Gaston was that excited for a girl, and couldn’t be more adorable. He was heading to the bar for a juice when he saw something that called his attention, in the middle of the crow, he could saw her, sitting with her brown, long and beautiful hair fallling till the end of her back, full color on her clothes and looking lost in her book, she was bitting her pencil and god, that looked so hot to Matteo, he felt the need to go towards her inmediatly.

-Good afternoon Piccolina -He said greeting, he could saw that Nina was sitting in front of her -Oh hi Nina 

-Snob -Was the only thing Luna said without taking her sight out of her book 

-Hi Matteo -Nina said very shyly 

-Hey, Gastón is looking for you in the back of the roller -Matteo said and Nina’s eyes lighten up with just the hearing of his name, Matteo felt glad that she was as excited at Gastón for this 

-Oh really? -Nina said but then the excitement dissapear as fast as it came -Oh, but I am helping Luna with geometry, I... I can’t go right now 

-Nina go, I can do it by myself, don’t worry -Luna said giving her a trustfull smile 

.You don’t have to, I already had this class, I can help her -Matteo offered himself and Luna looked at him with her mouth wide open 

-Really? that would be great -Nina said excited

-No, there’s no need, I can do it by myself, don’t worry -Luna rushed to say 

-There’s no a problem to me, I am the best in school, that would be a piece of cake for me -Matteo said smirking 

-I though Gastón was the best a school -Luna said raising a brow to tease Matteo 

-He is the best with letters, I am the best with numbers -Matteo answered back 

-Then it’s done, Matteo helps you and I am going to find Gastón -Nina said rushing, handing her books to Matteo and leaving them alone, Matteo sat where Nina was sitting before 

-So, let me see, oh, this is easy -Matteo said once he saw what the subject was about

-Talk for yourself -Luna said rolling her eyes in dessesperation, she has been trying to solve problems all afternoon without any success 

-Hey, I know you can see how easy it is if I teach you, I am the best teacher in the world -Matteo said to Luna with a confident smile 

-Oh, sorry I forgot I was talking to mister perfect -Luna said gesturing with her hand to exagerate the nickname she called him 

-Let’s make a deal then, if I can make you understand this topic, you’ll go a date with me -Matteo said and Luna felt how all the air in her lungs abandoned them

-A.. a da..date? -She said unsure of hearing correctly 

-Yes a date -Matteo said smirking 

-No, no I can’t go to dates, I am busy, and I know you can’t make me understand this, this is way too hard, Nina has tried all afternoon with no succes -Luna said way to fast to hide her nervousness

-Well, if you are so sure I can’t make you understand you don’t have nothing to lose, and if I win, you will get a date with the king of the rink, there’s a win win situation for you -He said laughing and Luna couldn’t help but let a little giggle out 

-Okay, I’ll accept, but only because I know this is an impossible thing for me to understand -Luna said and they starting the study session, for Luna’s shock, Matteo was indeed a great teacher, he said everything in words Luna could understand, not the fancy words Nina used to tell her, and he used skating examples that made everything so much easier, Luna was getting nervous she was understanding the topic very easily, and it wasn’t that she didn’t want to go to a date to Matteo because she didn’t like him, it was because she was afraid of how much she liked him, and that the guy screamed problems, only problems and heartbreaks and Luna didn’t want any of  that in that moment on her life. So when after two hours she was making all the exercises correctly she felt the need to go running to her house, but she coulnd’t, one part because she hated to break promises and the other part, maybe in the bottom of her heart, she really wanted a date with Matteo. 

-So, you understood? -Matteo asked Luna smiling teasingly 

-Yes, I did, I can’t believe, I was trying all afternoon, and... and.. -Luna was saying shocked 

-And now you owe me a date -Matteo said smiling victorious 

-Okay, I’ll go then -Luna said sighting in defeat -When? 

-Now -Matteo said helping to pick up her books 

-What? Now now? -Luna repeated 

-Yes, now, let’s go for and ice cream to a less crowed place -Matteo said grabbing all her books

-But the books? And I am a mess right now -Luna explained herself 

-The books we can leave them in a locker and then pick them up later, and don’t be nervous for how you look, I think you look beautiful -Matteo said teasingly and Luna couldnt’ help but blush, they left the books where he said and walked towards the park that was near the roller and entered a little coffee shop that was there. -You can ask whatever you want -Matteo told to Luna and her face became completely just a smile, Matteo couldn’t help but smile back too. 

-Wow, the possibilities -Luna said laughing looking at the menu -I want this ice cream  -Luna asked excited to Matteo 

-Really? That ice cream is bigger that you -He said joking 

-Then we can share it, pretty please -Luna said pouting and Matteo couldn’t remembered seeing someone cuter 

-Your wishes are my command Piccolina -Matteo said and told their order to the waiter and he left to make their order -So, tell me about yourself 

-What do you want to know? -Luna said smiling 

-Everything -Matteo said looking directly at her eyes making her flush intensely

-Well, my name is Luna Valente, I am 16 years old, I came from Cancun, Mexico, with my mom, my stepdad and my step brother Simon that you already met -Luna told Matteo and he nodded at her last affirmation- hmm, what else, I like to dance in skates, also I like to sing, and I don’t know what else I can say -She said laughing -Now you tell me 

-Well, what do you want to know -Matteo teased her 

-Everything -She said mimicking his accent and both laugh 

-Hey, I don’t talk like that -He defended himself 

-Yes you do, “hey Piccolina I am the best ever, want to chill” -Luna mimicking him again and both burts in laugh, only calm down a little when the waiter brough their order and they started to eat -But hey, you have to tell me everything about you too 

-Well, I am Matteo Balsano, 17 years old, Italian, last year of school, the king of the rink and best singer and songwriter you’ll ever know 

-And very humble you forgot to say -Luna said joking to him 

-Of course, the most humble in the whole world, people kneel in front my humility -He said sarcastic and both laugh again -And what about your family? Brothers? Sisters? Live with both parents? -At the mention of that Matteo’s expression changed and Luna wondered if she was in danger zone 

-Only child, and yes, I live with my both parents, if you can call live seeing them once at week and public events only because they are always working -He said serious 

-Oh -Was the only thing Luna said, more like a whisper, she didn’t knew what to say 

-Sorry, it’s just that I don’t like to talk about it -He said giving her a reconforting smile and taking one of her hands, he was swearing himself for saying that, he always managed to keep that inside, but when Luna asked he couldn’t lie her, an the true came out like water on a river

-It’s okay, you don’t have to, let’s get brain frozed  -Luna said giving him another smile back, they kept talking about skate, music, everything and anything for a couple of hours more, when they finished the ice cream they walked together towards the park and  sit on a bench, Luna didn’t remember when but they were holding hands while walking, and she didn’t want to mention it because it felt right, like if that where her hands should be forever, they fitted perfectly. 

-Here, I like this spot -Matteo said pointing her to sit next to him, and Luna could saw why Matteo liked that spot, it had a great view of the whole park, and the sky rised in front of them huge, clear and full of stars

-What a beautiful view -Luna said looking at everything in front of her

-Yes it is -Matteo said but her eyes weren’t on the sky, they were fixed on Luna, trying to memorize every part of her, lost in her dimples, little freckles and long eyelashes 

-How long have you been living here in Argentina? -Luna asked taking Matteo out of his trance 

-Hmm.. ehh. I don’t know, about two years already -Matteo said careless 

-Oh, so you’ve been a short time -She said smiling, and he did also, but kind of a bitter smile 

-Well, for most people it is, but it is the most time I’ve stay in a place 

-Wow, that must be hard, I mean, I’ve moved just once and was terrible, I can’t imagine you moving from a country to another that much, leaving your friends, your teachers, your.. hmm. you know.. girlfriends -Luna said trying to sound casual but failed incredible 

-That’s why I don’t like to attach with people, neither places, never had a best friend until Gaston and Ambar, never had a place like the roller, never had a girlfriend like... -Matteo was saying and then stopped, he just never had a girlfriend, never fell in love for someone, he dated girls, yes, but after two dates he always discovered that they were with him for her facade of the perfect boy, not because they really like him and was interest in know him like the person he was -like other guys do  -He rushed to say -And you Piccolina, left a heartbroken guy there in Mexico? 

-Of course not, I am a mess, I can barely deal with school, I wouldn’t be capable of manage to have a relationship -She said amused -Though I left my friends, teachers, family, but here I have some of my family, a have new friends and teachers -She said getting more enthusiastic

-How do you do to see the bright sight at everything? -Matteo said smiling at her 

-Because if you don’t look for the bright side, you’ll get lost in darkness, you should try it -She told him taking his hand and interwining their fingers -You have Gaston, Ambar, and now you have me, to help you to see the bright side of things

-It’s hard to see the brighside on things when you can lose it all, lose you all in any second -Matteo said with a sad smile 

-Then, enjoy it the most you can while is happening -Luna said and leaned for a hug, her plan was tohug him and reconfort him, but before she knew his arms were wrapping her like he was a giant octopus, she couldn’t help but close her eyes and bury her face on his neck catching his essence. Matteo on the other hand was holding her tigh, like he actually could lose her in any second, that someone who could come and ripped her out of his arms, he never felt like that, that intense fear of losing someone, he didn’t want to lose her, he couldn’t and he knew he was screwed, because in his mind apperead a reason that could make him lose her, the stupid bet.

-It’s late, I’ll walk you home -Matteo said breaking the hug after a couple of minutes 

-Yes, let’s go -Luna said standing up, in the way to her house they kept talking about diferent things, dreams, music tastes, it was all laughs and hand holdings, until they got to her house 

-Here we are -Matteo said once they arrived 

-Yes, here we are -Luna said echoing -Well, I had a great time, thanks for the geometry help, the ice cream, and everything -She said smiling widely, she couldn’t hide her happiness, her eyes were smiling and shining brighter than the stars 

-Thanks to you for accepting -Matteo said and was about to ask her for another date, but suddenly the words were stuck in his throath, that never happened before, he nervous to ask out a girl? it was craziness -You know... you would like.. to.. you know... another time? 

-I would love to go to another date -Luna completed his sentence giggling 

-Great, sure, super then -Matteo said smiling her back -Then bye 

-Bye -She said and started to walk inside her house and he turned to walk to his home too -Hey Matteo -Luna said rushing towards him again, he looked confused not knowing what would she forgot, but she jumped into his arms and hugged him tigh, leaving a loud kiss on his cheek -See you tomorrow, snob 

-See you tomorrow Piccolina -He said smiling like a fool watching her dissapear inside her home. 

Matteo was shocked, this wasn’t going how he planned, he though Luna would be another girl that would go on a couple of dates and leave him alone when they relize he wasn’t the perfect guy all the time, how was possible that someone looked behind his facade of perfect boy, only Gaston and Ambar have seen that side of him, and was after a long time of meet them, and this girl came and just a week after she is breaking all his walls. She was special. Matteo knew that, and he would find the way to cancel all the nonsense of the bet with Ambar.

[whiteconfession]

3, 13, 14, 15, 21, 26, 29, 35, 42, 69, 87 - fatma 💜 and omg sorry for sending too many but i couldnt help myself! The questions are indeed very cute 😁

3. what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?I use actual pretty bookmarks hahah. If I do buy a new book without getting a new bookmark and I want to read it right away (like a manga) I use the receipt.

13: what's something that made you smile today?My brother realised I was a bit sad yesterday so he linked me /r/blep an it’s honestly amazing. We both love cats to a great length and it’s just a very Valentijn way of showing support.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?the cleanest blackest place on the block with gold accents and lots of succulents and cacti we named. This is actually a real idea and not just me fantasising on the spot. Sadly no cats because he is allergic but if we do still have money we’d buy one of those naked cats and he wants to name it Nagini

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!I don’t have to google one because I know them! Did you know there is a picture on it’s way of the first ever actual photograph of a black hole. Also Jellyfish galaxies a type of galaxy clusters and are characterised by ram pressure stripping of gas from the affected galaxy by the intracluster medium, triggering starbursts along a tail of gas. 

21. talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I have a handy Eastpak backpack with a laptop compartiment and a top pocket for a bit more secretive keeping. It has been with me for a lot of years and it has a few funny decorative ads. One of them is headlined “Have you seen my pussy” which is the perfect icebreaker.

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?I switched. I used to loooove black low top converse but a few years ago they changed the design and it started hurting my toe. So I switched to low top vans~

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?One of my friends is really passionate. Like REALLY passionate. I don’t know how she does it but we had to debate in class and she just murdered the other group. It was honestly so much fun to listen to her because she just started talking shit at some point but it sounded so convincing. 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?I care more about pencils than about pens. I do like pens that write smoothly and make everything look prettier but I don’t really care about losing them or anything. We did buy a pretty pen for my dad once though. My brother and I could finally buy my dad a gift with our own money. It’s so pretty but too heavy for me. 

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!I don’t drink coffee hahah. I did really like the espresso at the ice cream salon I worked at. It’s all cheaply Italian with sweet colours. The place where they serve my favourite tea however is Pret-a-Manger. Their Tropical Green Tea with lemongrass, pineapple and mango flavours is so amazing I asked the lady for a second bag I could bring home with me. Sadly we don’t have Pret-a-Manger in the Netherlands and that makes me really sad but slightly less poor.

69: what are your favorite board games?I absolutely love Monopoly. I loooove playing it with my friends and it makes me really competitive. When I play with my brother he usually wins though but I still thoroughly enjoy it.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Se7en, Seven, That one movie with the deadly sins, the movie with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman, David Fincher’s movie from 1995

please send me more guys. I love these♥

[lumpinmythroat]

my sister almost died from a heroin overdoes this past memorial day. in front of my parents no less. i was luckily asleep for the whole incident. meanwhile, my other heroin addled sibling takes said sisters not street legal SUV to the city to buy more heroin, gets it impounded, gets arrested & released, & than walked  an alleged 7 hours home. not that anyone told me flat out. i had to nancy drew this fucking shit for myself. irene having left her hospital documents in plain view, (opioid overdose ‘other’) & as for david, ive had to help him with his google account several times over, so i have access to location history. the guy he was with is still locked up waiting sentencing, & im pretty sure a lot of what davids brought home recently had been stolen from him.

i turned 29 a couple days ago. didnt really plan anything again seeing as how im super depressed nearly everyday & dont really have friends i can rely on anyway. i let myself think the dumbest shit but never speak it into existence, & then get disappointed when it doesn't happen. for whatever reason i wouldve thought that my ex & that group of people wouldve invited me to firefly this year. id shown interest in the past but didnt work & couldnt have afforded it. i cant even really justify being upset about it though because its not like i had reached out at all. i just thought my ex sorta knew me & my depression/anxiety better; but hes got his own life to live & hes doing just that. i really should remove him from my social media. im still in disbelief over how pathetic i became over one person & that fact that its still affects me so much years later now.

but anyway. so yeah. my birthday. went to work. went shopping with maureen afterwards cause i guess she didnt really know what else to do  & neither did i. clothes were pretty much my only gift. had gotten into an argument with david when getting home because he had left a snowblower running in the front yard. in the middle of june. he later gave me a ziplock bag of swedish fish with an oatmeal cream cookie taped to it, along with a can of watermelon arizona ice tea, that was later stolen by irene.  mom had made lasagna which was a major highlight cause i love my ass some italian food, as well as two cheesecakes since ive sorta grown out of traditional cakes over the years. i feel for her so bad; i know she tries as much as she can but shes just as depressed & hopeless as i am really. directionless. she didnt know what to get me & i dont know what to tell her. i need something thatll change my life & no one can afford it, and receiving gifts just to say i received something is so hallow & pointless id rather get nothing.

anyway. later that night my parents, brian, & Michael sang to me. i dont know where anyone else was. i didnt even want to be sang to; its so uncomfortable. later on i smoked them out because im the only one that ever has money or weed. though thats not to say im ungrateful for brian getting it for me all the time. he at least puts in the work for it. micheal just kind of shows up & expects it.

oh yeah, didnt even mention the retardedness that was misty trying to feign interest in doing something together. or maybe it was real but it was quickly apparent she wasnt putting much effort into it. it seems lately ive been surrounded by people that want to give the impression of trying or putting forth effort but not really committing. birds of a feather perhaps?

the friday night after my birthday, tom shows up at about midnight. im already stoned & playing gta with micheal & resistant to leaving; but tom was real hype & eager, so we go to patricks. now, idk if tom had just done coke before showing up to my house or just got laid or had some coffee or what. i had asked but he didnt really answer, but his behavior when he was at my house was very different than we were at the pub, which was both bored, & totally uninterested in gary & i, given that he spent mostve his time talking to other patrons of the bar until they left. felt to me another like another example of absolving himself of guilt for my shit birthday. like he didnt really care to do anything but now the record states he took me out & that looks good on paper. i ended up fairly faded after a couple long islands & a shot mixed with smoking weed outside near the dog park. that was probably the best part of the night & i couldnt even fully enjoy it since i felt like i couldve passed out then & there.

i cant explain why i was really hopeful or maybe even semi expecting some kind of surprise. something to randomly come in the mail or something, idk. but the surprise never came & another year goes by.

oh. its also pride. of which i wasent invited to anything, & even if i wanted to go out, i dont even think any of the gays id hang with are even in town.

my birthday weekend is also pride weekend. and i ended up suicidal & crying alone.

speaking of which, my thoughts regarding suicide have been getting less casual lately. not that i think its anything id actually do still, but. well; the warning signs & breadcrumbs have already been planted & no one seems to take me serious. so; here it is in plain writing. id love to die & feel i have very little to live for or look forward to.