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#the joke is this: i have ZERO coding background
marshymallo · 6 months
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FIC RECS: 「 stranger things 」
this list is subject to change every time i find new works to add to the collection
「 Nine Facts, One Lie ~ Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader 」
Synopsis: It didn’t matter that your best friend Robin claims he’s changed, you do not like Steve Harrington. He used to be egotistical, a player, an asshole — and you’re not in any hurry to believe he’s changed his ways. Never mind that he seems terribly kind now, compliments here and there, or even that he’ll pick you up from a date gone horribly wrong…
「 You Shook Me All Night Long ~ Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader on AO3 」
WARNING: CONTAINS SMUT 18+, PLUS SIZED!READER, MENTIONS OF BULLYING AND DIET CULTURE, SET PRE-SEASON 3
Synopsis: Steve had never pictured himself ending up here - working for minimum wage at an ice cream shop, wearing a fucking sailor costume. But hey, life catches up to you and plans change. He also never would have guessed that someone who had been sitting quietly in the background of his life for years would secretly be the hottest babe of the century - and in the moment he found that out, he had never been more thankful for ice cream minimum wage slavery and the stupid outfit you seemed to find adorable.
「 Maneater ~ Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader 」
WARNING: CONTAINS SMUT 18+, DOM!READER
Synopsis: “I thought she’d be like mean and shy but not she wasn’t shy at all-she’s like-she’s like a man eater-Definitely an apex predator if I’ve ever seen one. Steve she was looking at you like she wanted to eat you”
「 Tequila & Strawberry Lipgloss ~ Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader x Robin Buckley 」
WARNING: CONTAINS SMUT 18+, ZERO SEXUAL INTERACTIONS BETWEEN STEVE AND ROBIN (FOCUS IS ON READER), PART 1 OF 4 IN THE “DRINKING IN YOUR LIPS” SERIES (OTHER 3 PARTS ATTACHED TO THIS POST)
Synopsis: you’re dating steve and you think robin’s hot.
「 Jealous Steve Watches You Flirt ~ Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader 」
WARNING: HEATED MAKEOUT SESSION
Synopsis: when returning back to the trailer, an unexpected bump in the road causes reader to flirt her way out the situation, leaving a very jealous steve harrington to watch.
「 Code Red ~ Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader 」
WARNING: CONTAINS SMUT 18+
Synopsis: Dustin has the worst timing and stumbles on a secret relationship
「 If The Slipper Fits ~ Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader 」
Synopsis: When one of the leads of the school play gets injured, Robin asks Eddie to fill in. He’s not to keen on the idea at first but when Robin mentions that you are in the play, and he would get to play your romantic interest, he changes his mind. 
「 Stalker in Aisle 5 ~ Eddie Munson x GN!Reader 」
WARNING: BRIEF SEXUAL JOKE
Synopsis: you notice a certain curly-haired nerd frequently visiting your workplace. finally, you decide to acknowledge his stalking.
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maggotwithanf · 2 years
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it's come to my attention that not a lot of people know who the guy in my profile pic is and so i have made an effortpost about my favorite late 2000s adult animation sidekick character ever, Trans Icon Randall Skeffington from Ugly Americans:
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Ugly Americans is a show about cryptids/monsters/etc living and adjusting to life in NYC and that doesn't matter WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT RANDALL
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Randall is a canonically bisexual zombie who's the main character, Mark's, roommate. He's also super fucking trans guy coded and I genuinely don't know if they did this on purpose or not but holy shit this speaks to me on another level.
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He turned zombie for this chick he liked who decided she didn't like him that much, and came to terms with just being a zombie as an identity he chose for himself, and he sticks by it a lot. He's also got two (two?!?!?) full fucking episodes about losing his dick as it physically falls off his body and how he's pretty much okay with that but his dick isn't, and he learns to respect it and everything. And there's constantly background gags of Randall getting dick upgrades at the mechanic like he's modular b/c zombie dick
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oh yeah and there's this:
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Randall's bottom half gets ripped off for like the third time in the series and Mark has to carry him around in a garbage bag and Randall ends up rabbitholing onto a forum for transgender mummies and he's like ">:( it's no use they're just all tips on moisture retention" said with zero 2000s era irony for the trans thing or anything just genuine disappointment that this trans mummy forum has no advice for how to deal with his missing bottom half and is just dusty, like literally. like the last half of the sentence was the punchline, not the first half
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okay more fun randall facts: he's a huge fucking slut and a massive whore (canon). he has big Karl from Workaholics energy but if Karl was like, disillusioned by the very fabric of life. he's kind of a creepoid in that 2000s way but he's also perfect and i love him so everybody shut the fuck up. there's a running gag that he definitely probably wants to fuck Mark and in the episode where Mark and Randall's ex Krystal (the girl he went zombie for) swap bodies, Mark's like "what am I supposed to do now" and Randall's like "well you can make one of my longtime dreams come true"
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anyway i love this gay gay (canonically bisexual) zombie man and i went back and watched season 1 again and he's honestly treated with a lot more queer/trans coding and whatnot than I remember (and also I didn't remember that they just fucking made him bisexual and he says so in season 1 episode 3 so i'm just a big idiot) and I thought I was reinterpreting a bunch of 2000s era gay jokes but nope, randall skeffington trans icon. spends 1/3rd of his time dickless or with no bottom half and inspires us all. has 200000 STDs and a dream.
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Also there's this fucking episode where Randall who's from New Jersey goes back to his home town and has to deal with his internlized homophobia (excuse me ZOMBIEPHOBIA) re: small town gays vs big city gays and it's just really fucking real idk idk idk. And you think it's gonna be straight people doing a hamfisted metaphor but at the end of the episode his dad does this:
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anyway watch Ugly Americans which ran for 2 seasons on comedy central in fucking 2010
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shatinn · 1 year
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Starfield 56/?
Dear Creator. You gave us these two lovely young girls and yet so little interaction with them. I really wish they are more then just background filler. (also why the need to make them near identical?)
Cora. She keep asking for books, and yes I can find so many on my journey, yet I can't give her any. A small inventory for books, max 20 limit would be so ideal. Also she ask if I read any book lately and I have zero chance to say yes or reason, I don't b/c you know mission after mission. If I can't respond, then these lines from her just empty time wasting moments. Would I like to take her on the survey task on planet with air and safe condition? Yes I would. Hoping a dlc or something. ( Cora get lost and need rescue or pirate captive need to free her. Something like that. I could keep going on how many missed opportunity. I know this game is not about raising kids but would add so much volume to the story of my oc and theirs.
Sona. We (Sara and I) 'rescued' her from her own home. Ripped from the nest of memories she made with her parents. We offered and she took the chance for city life. Again near zero interaction. Again, max 20 inventory the must. I would bring all the toys back to her to cheer her up. Digi frame with her own memory frames to fall asleep on. Yes pls. I would love to take her to shopping. She wears a same clothes. I wish to upgrade her gear. She jokes about take her on the ship but she is a child so not yet. (but Cora can. hmmm) To a surveying task for Constellation, she should come with me. She need to see and learn not just from books. The Constellation members ignoring her. Sara totally ignoring her. We brought Sona back because Sara wanted it. It is wise, I would want it too. Sara a good word makes wonders to a young soul. Doit! Sona is like a living ghost. Not a nice words when they pass her. A few words she stops me and I am happy for that. But that is it.
Now both girl. Both in the lodge. Why they have actually zero interaction. I wish to catch them giggle an gossip. Share knowledge or heck drag the grown up life and they pinky swear never grow up. I want them to get into little trouble. We can hear Sam tells Cora to clean her room, so it is possible to add small teaching of good behaviors to the girls. Or give me regularly drawings to take with me on my journey for 'mood support'. It is coded in game already. The girl on Cydonia can draw and she can give it to me to put them up to places. I want Cora's drawing on my home settlement on the kitchen wall. Domestic wish? maybe. After all she is my step daughter. Why not. I wish Sona draw me her happy moments as she grew up. I wish they are under my feet when I am back at the lodge. They are young full of curiosity and eager to learn. I wish they say something when I am crafting. Would I wish I can recruit or send Sona to an outpost? Yes I would. She would get the best of all. Sleep over party with Cora under grown up 'watch' Sam and I would have a crack out of it mingle with the girls. Adopt Sona? absolutely.
These things just a small part how I feel about these young girls. So much let down. Don't get me wrong, I love the game just wish these things would be in for my personal flavor.
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piratejenna · 2 years
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Prompt: fic with your favorite platonic pair
Title: Passcode
Author: @fistfulofgammarays
Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Rating: Teens and Up
Word Count: 74089
Summary: Psychic nonsense never stopped a good friendship.
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Alright, so if you haven't seen my rare voltron posts, I was a pretty big fan of it for a while. I have a lot of thoughts about the show, but we're gonna stay focused here. Main point: Keith is my favorite, I have zero interest in any shipping in this fandom, and Pidge and Keith have great "partners in crime" potentially.
Passcode delivers on all three expertly.
The way that Keith and Pidge's relationship develops over the course of this fic is really spectacular. The main gimmick is this growing psychic link between them, and while I love how it works and grows, I especially love that it's not used as a shortcut for their friendship. Keith and Pidge just grow to be friends, and the psychic link is part of that, but it doesn't skip over the awkwardness of becoming friends with someone new.
I love the dynamic between them and the way they bounce off each other and joke around. It's great and wholesome and sweet. Absolutely fantastic!
Another thing I love about this fic is, for lack of a better word, the worldbuilding. The author, Fistful of Gamma Rays clearly knows about the coding/computer/tech stuff that's in here, and they do a wonderful job of presenting it in a way where it's clear to the reader that Pidge has a high level of understanding without leaving you confused. I could not explain most of the technical talk to you, but I can follow along and get the idea of what Pidge is doing in any given scene. And that takes a lot of writing skill to pull off.
The other "worldbuilding" aspect I love is how the author writes Keith. Pidge is our pov character, so we only see Keith from her perspective, but there's lots of little nods to him being galra throughout the fic, never in an obtrusive "why didn't anyone notice that" way, but in that way that you, as the reader who already knows this information, get excited when it happens like "I know what that means!"
There's several other aspects like that in the fic where the author expands on the world of the show, giving it some more depth and nuance, which I love.
And, of course, I really like the psychic stuff.
The way the connection starts and develops is very cool, and it's presented in such an interesting way. Describing something like this with words is difficult, but the author gives you a great idea of what the connection is like and how it works. Not only that, the way the characters use it is really interesting too. In particular, I really like that, once they realize they can't turn the connection off, and sometimes they're just going to pop into each other's heads, they figure out a way to single each other that it's happening so it doesn't feel like they're being spied on. That's such a cool idea that I never would have thought of, and it's the kind of thing that grounds this element. Because obviously the biggest concern two teenagers in this situation (especially with Keith and Pidge's personalities and backgrounds) would be privacy.
Overall, this is a super fun piece that I love reading. Since it's an au that starts up before the show does, I'd honestly recommend this to anyone who likes these characters, regardless of how much or how little of the show you watched.
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sciencestyled · 8 months
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Ctrl-Alt-Teach: A Hysterical Odyssey Through the Silicon Jungle of Science Edutainment
Alright, folks, strap in and power up your flux capacitors, because we're about to take a warp-speed dive into the ludicrously sparkly universe of Educational Technology in Science! Picture this: a classroom, but not your grandma's chalk-and-talk borefest. No, sirree! We're talking a hi-tech Hogwarts where Harry Potter meets Elon Musk on a virtual field trip to Mars.
First up, let's talk about virtual labs. Imagine cooking up a chemical storm without the risk of turning your eyebrows into a singed memory – that's virtual labs for you. It's like playing "Potion Craft" in a lab coat, minus the explosions. Picture students conjuring acid-base reactions with the flick of a finger, a la Tony Stark designing his suit in 'Iron Man'. No more "Oops, I spilled sulfuric acid!" Just a bunch of "Aha!" moments with zero casualty rates.
Digital platforms in science education are like having Yoda in your pocket. Ever wish you could just WhatsApp Einstein about your physics homework? Well, digital platforms are the next best thing. They're like a Swiss Army knife of knowledge, a buffet of brain-boosting bytes. Think of a platform where Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye the Science Guy are virtually duking it out in a 'Science SmackDown' for the title of 'Ultimate Edutainer.'
Interactive software is where it gets really bananas. We're talking software so engaging it makes Fortnite look like a game of Go Fish. Imagine dissecting a frog without the smell or the squish – that's the beauty of interactive 3D models. It's like Pokémon GO, but instead of catching Pikachu, you're nabbing knowledge nuggets about the human heart.
Now, how about taking a stroll through the Jurassic period? Forget time-travel; augmented reality can teleport you straight to the world of T-Rex and Velociraptors. It's like “Jurassic Park” minus the impending doom. You can almost hear Jeff Goldblum's voice in the background, muttering about chaos theory as you virtually feed a Brachiosaurus.
But wait, there's more! Artificial Intelligence in science education is like having a Jarvis for your lab experiments. AI can predict results, suggest experiments, and even crack deadpan jokes while you're titrating acids. Imagine a Siri with a PhD in Chemistry. That's the level of sass and smarts we're dealing with.
Drones in education? You betcha! Why walk around a geological site when you can fly a drone and see it in 4K glory? It's like playing "Google Earth: Extreme Edition". And when you're done, you can switch to 'drone racing mode' for some extra adrenaline because, why not?
In the world of ed-tech, coding is the new literacy. Kids aren't just learning to code; they're coding to learn. It's like if Minecraft and Scratch had a brainchild that could solve climate change. Code is poetry, but with more semicolons and fewer metaphors.
The gamification of science education is like turning homework into a quest in "World of Warcraft". Every assignment is a mission, every project a boss fight. You're not just a student; you're a knowledge warrior armed with facts and a +10 Sword of Wisdom.
And let's not forget about social media. It's not just for selfies and cat videos anymore. Science educators are turning TikTok into a mini-MIT, with 60-second lectures that hit you like a photon torpedo of knowledge. It's edutainment gone wild, and the only casualty is ignorance.
But wait, there's a twist! Ever heard of educational escape rooms? Think 'Indiana Jones' meets quantum physics. You're not just learning about Schrödinger's cat; you're saving it from a metaphorical box of perplexities.
Now, for the pièce de résistance: holographic teachers. We're talking full-on Princess Leia projections teaching you about the laws of thermodynamics. It's as close as we can get to a 'Star Trek' holodeck without breaking the laws of physics.
In conclusion, educational technology in science is like a giant, interactive, knowledge-stuffed piñata. It's fun, it's wild, and it's bursting at the seams with learning opportunities. It's a world where science education isn't just a subject; it's an adventure. So, put on your virtual reality goggles, fire up your AI assistant, and dive headfirst into this madcap, sci-fi fiesta of learning. And remember, in the immortal words of Doctor Who, "The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles." Or, in our case, just a typical day in the life of educational technology. Ctrl-Alt-Teach away!
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thebowcollector · 2 years
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wrangling a web coder to make an expenses tracker for myself
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sockgate · 3 years
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what makes you think they’re not baiting us?
well.... they've been shady for awhile since their return and the louis re-release. i will do a throughout recap for you anon: 
if you need background on louis connection and past campaign with polari i recommend these posts
- prior to this year, polari had been inactive on instagram and did not sell clothing since 2019.
- polari returned nov 9 with a 2022 clothing line. they immediately began teasing a re-release of louis’ 2017 campaign. they also changed their pfp to the ferricadooza art
- on nov 12, the day of the louis launch, the acc posted these messages. the first message has been deleted, the second one is still up
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many things to note about these!!! letters missing due to misspelling, capitalized letters, language reminiscent of dykwya, they are also screenshots of a word processor on a computer (i cant figure it out which one), Look into Polari *harry voice* “we’re all trying!!!!!!”
i also think the writing of these is very interesting which is making me think they’re coded. i tried the polari dictionary, looking into polari writing methods (like letter writing), and even cyphers and cryptography but haven’t found anything :/ tl;dr i have no clue how to decode these past their literal meanings
- after the louis re-release (nov 12) the colour of their pfp had changed about every 24 hours to a different colour used in their 2022 line. this included: peach, yellow and lavender. they skipped green. there is speculation the pfp change was every 28 hours, which is also possible as each colour was up for more than a calendar day
- on nov 13, this was commented under their most recent photo x
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- the acc then posted cyan / turquoise, to their feed. it was quickly deleted. what colour is this??? blue or green??
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- polari started their non-binary campaign on nov 13. they also added they/them pronouns to their bio. and another message was posted (now deleted)
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- since the release of their non-binary line, louis campaign shirt and sweater are back on their website for sale. those items had been previously removed from sale on nov 13.
- harry has also been posted on the acc a few times (on both their feed and story) since they started their non-binary campaign!!!
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other important things to note:
- before they unfollowed to zero, polari followed both louis and harry
- the quality of the pictures they post are TERRIBLE. i have no clue why they would post such low quality pics, especially ones that belong to their own campaigns. they’re so bad they’re joking about it in the comments and captions of their pics lol
my thoughts: no anon, i dont think they’re baiting us. personally, i think this is a lead up to louis is doing another campaign with them, considering they continue to post pics of him (and now harry) on their feed. polari was an insane thing louis was able to pull off at a very interesting time in his career, and considering its history, i think it was a very important project for him. i don’t think they are simply using us or louis for clout, considering all these posts are making the brand look utterly insane to most people. cryptic messaging does not draw people in, it draws US in. we know what to look for and if its worth sticking around. considering the amount of work put into all this, and that its continued for almost a month, whoever is running this acc must be very familiar with louis fanbase.
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neurodiversebones · 3 years
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autistic brennan !!!
in my autistic opinion... here you go. a SLIGHTLY more organized version of what i have dropped in the DMs of anyone who is willing to listen, copy and pasted from a google doc i have so eloquently named "bones is fucking autistic" !!
this headcanon is like. 95% confirmed, which kind of makes my heart do a little "!!!" <3 idk brennan means a Lot to me and always did as a young autistic afab person :-) so here you go !! (under the cut)
okay SO here is my explanation for my headcanon, explained in bullet points- this took up multiple google docs pages so i hope you're ready
emotional display:
has absolutely zero poker face- we see this frequently. there are too many instances to count where she cannot hide her facial expressions !! it is also referenced by booth in late season 8, and i think a few other characters have mentioned it throughout the series?
this is especially in the earlier seasons, but her response to stress and trauma is Very Neurodivergent. she rarely has an outward response- it's so rare to see her cry before season 7/8 ?? this could also definitely be a trauma thing but like,,, trauma symptoms and autistic traits are unfortunately hard to differentiate between because autistic people tend to go through more traumatic situations
not exactly emotional display, but similar- she clearly has alexithymia, or something of the sort (basically, she struggles to recognize her own emotions). this is exhibited a few times- the one i can remember right now is "i don't understand what i'm feeling" "you understand happy, right?" (conversation with angela, season 9). this is actually something i have rarely seen in a character- at least not done well. it makes me very happy !!!
empathy:
she struggles to understand why others would think differently than her- her view of the world is Correct in her eyes, and she finds it difficult to look from someone else's point of view. this frequently ends in her criticizing those around her- her view of the world is incredibly black and white, so when others disagree with her, she believes they must be wrong.
extension of the black and white thinking- she doesn't understand concepts, no matter how hard she tries. she needs evidence and proof. examples of this would be her views on god/religion, love (pre-season 6), and marriage (pre-season 8)
despite her lack of empathy toward people, she exhibits a lot of empathy toward animals. this is actually a really common autistic trait?? examples of this would be her emotional attachment to the dogs in 4x04, or her explosive reaction to finding out the tiger was killed in 8x04
social/conversational skills:
this is probably her most obvious and easily recognizable autistic trait- it's what made me go "she's autistic" after watching a few episodes
she does not understand jokes or sarcasm very well- she frequently gets confused by jokes, explaining why they aren't funny or don't make sense, especially pop culture jokes. when she does understand jokes or pop culture references, she gets very excited and explains them out loud, even though everyone around her already understands (just adding- i love this so much ?? her explaining jokes is Very Cute. i'm sorry i'm a simple gay who can't go ten minutes without declaring my love for her)
struggles with small talk and social niceties- this is used as a joke in nearly every episode. she doesn't do small talk well- preferring to talk about topics that are actually important or interest her. she doesn't see the need for most social conventions either, which leads to her frequently being seen as rude.
she misses social cues in conversations- she frequently brings up topics that are probably not Appropriate for the setting (talking about dead bodies in a restaurant, talking about sex while standing over a dead body, etc.)
she is incredibly literal, and doesn't understand metaphorical speak. this goes hand in hand with the not understanding jokes- she takes many phrases at face value, sometimes confusing others
tone:
she frequently comes off as cold or blunt without meaning to be- many people read her as "heartless" or just uninterested because of the way she speaks, even when she is very invested.
i don't know how to explain this other than her speaking pattern is Very Autistic- the way she pauses mid sentence all the time, the facial expressions she makes while speaking, it's all autism babey !!!
intense focus on one topic:
okay it's very obvious that her special interests are forensics and anthropology
she gets hyperfocused, often losing herself in her work and putting herself through the ringer for it. she puts her work above (almost) everything, and has stated on multiple occasions that she would be nothing without her work.
she often explains the things around her with references to anthropology and ancient civilizations- she uses these references to explain her feelings, the situations she's in, and frequently, to solve crimes. things make sense to her when she thinks about them like this.
not engaging with peers in an "expected" way:
she is often showed to have difficulty getting close with people- she doesn't like showing emotion to others, and would rather just talk about the task at hand. this could very well be explained by her trauma background- but i believe it's probably a bit of both.
she finds it difficult to bond with her peers over common things, like pop culture, and rather talks about work or other things. she doesn't open up to a lot of people, even those who she is incredibly close with.
other/misc.:
stimming !! this doesn't have enough instances to get its own section, but i like to interpret that wonder woman scene as vestibular stimming, purely because i love to spin and jump !!!!
detail oriented, to the point of obsession. it's common for autistic people to get caught up in the details of things, which she definitely does.
views on sexuality differ from the "norm"- she is very critical of monogamy during the first half of the series, and does not see the point in marriage. also she's definitely arospec, just putting that out there <3
i am autistic and i love her therefore i'm right
final notes:
i think she's one of my favourite autistic characters to exist- i usually despise the socially awkward detective trope, but it's handled well here. the people around her don't expect her to change the innate aspects of who she is- rather, they love her unconditionally (even if they are exasperated at times- which is natural to feel with people that you love)
i very much like that they didn't go with the socially awkward + smart = unattractive trope either- she knows that she's hot, and so do the people around her. i'm so sick of nerdy girls not being allowed to be hot 😭 especially when it comes to autistic-coded characters- let autistic people have sex lives 2k21
she just,,, holds a very special place in my heart. as an undiagnosed autistic afab kid, she meant a lot to me. i saw a woman on screen who was smart like me and sometimes confused people because of her intelligence, who didn't really get social situations, who didn't know how to express how she felt. she was like me- and she loved herself, and people loved her. she's a very important character to me and has been since i was really young <3
thank you SO MUCH to anybody who read this- brennan is the loml and i will infodump about her until the end of time
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cienie-isengardu · 3 years
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Erron Black. Arguably a character I don't know much about. Is Erron Black feminist, sexist, or just soft on girls? Now I know MK everyone can fight everyone, but in story mode...
In MK10 Milenna impale his hand with a knife, but he doesn't fight her. I'll except injury for that one.
But then with Cassie Cage later, he fights her, only after she engages him, but once he knocks her down he stops fighting her to fight Kung Jin in the market.
Later on the bridge fight, we do see him fighting Jacqui Briggs, in the background, but she charged him, so she initiated it, and when they focus in he is fighting Kung Jun again.
In MK11, when young Erron Black goes after Jade and Kotal, he let's Jade leave without so much as a glance.
In the Black Dragon fight pit, even though she is right next to him, he ignores Sonya Blade until she actually attacked him. He doesn't even point the other gun at her, he points it up and looks away, until she punches him.
The only time it looks like he initiated a attack on a woman was when Sheeva got shot in her shoulder armor (and shrugged it off), but we immediately see him chasing down Nightwolf, so that looks like a accident. And they only fight after she punches him across the room.
And in the comic's when he kidnapped Cassie and Jacqui he defended them against Kano, telling him not to hurt them, and when he realized they were in serious danger, tried to free them and help escape.
Unless I'm missing something, well he doesn't avoid it, he doesn't fight initiate fights with women.
Before I will talk at length about Erron Black and his attitude toward women I wish only to emphasize this is my subjective opinion and there is no need to agree with me on this. Because no matter how much source material will be brought into discussion, there are many ways to interpret his mindset, especially since A) what Erron says is not always compatible with what he is doing and B) the specific game mechanics that limit and/or adapt his “personality” to the needs of the storyline.
Long text ahead!
Mortal Kombat X’s stated Erron Black was hired by Shang Tsung 150 years ago. So he was born and raised at least the previous century and half, thus his approach to women may be old-fashioned but I wouldn’t say he was somehow deeply concerned per se about gender to begin with. Yes, the mentioned examples suggest otherwise but their context is as important as Erron’s action alone. Because the context of the game will not always work well with in-universe logic. I’m talking here stricte about game mechanics that are built around chapter’s main hero that must win against the opponents and in the mentioned examples Erron was sadly just an obstacle to beat down so it is not like he could headshot Mileena, Sonya or Sheeva or any woman and be done with the problem despite how marksmanship is his forte. Also, the game mechanic in MKX kinda made me joke that Erron shouldn’t be left on his own for too long because his competence in those chapters seemed that bad (from Outworld’s main cast only D’Vorah looked to me as a competent character and she was a traitor, that says a lot about Kotal’s team doesn it?). Anyway, on the basis of the specific nature of the game alone I wouldn’t go so far to judge Erron’s mindset, especially since he was a background/supportive character in MKX and MK11 story modes. So far, Black didn’t have his own chapter - thus the story isn’t told from his POV.
To be honest, games and comics present Erron in different lights, thus his approach to women may vary from one source to another. Because of that let’s firstly look at the sources separately.
In MKX, on Kotal’s voiceless order, Black was going to kill Rain. Mileena attacked Erron by surprise before he could shoot down the rebel but it was Kotal’s chapter so the emperor was the one that dealt with her. Erron was part of the background during chapter 2 without any impact on the story.
Then we have chapter 4 about Kung Jin.
When Cage Team met Erron Black for the first time, the man demanded to know what is Special Forces’ business here including “a reason why we shouldn’t kill you”. Despite the not so friendly welcome, Erron was willing to address Takeda’s remark (“I can read you… You’re not from Outworld.”) and did not resort to violence once Cassie’s explanation did not satisfy him. Looking at the uncertain situation of Outworld, Erron’s lack of trust is understable - Kotal was still at war with Mileena thus in constant danger. Of course, it is up to interpretation, did Erron listen to Jin solely because the prospect of money spoke to him so much or there is some bias (thus the cynical remark about Raiden’s seal and dismissive attitude) against Cassie, the woman in charge. I personally tend to think Erron was simply cautious because the last Earthrealm that got close to Kotal tried to kill the emperor. And yeah, Kano is nothing like Cassie, Jacqui, Takeda or Jin but there was no way for Black to know that for sure, especially since Outworld and Earthrealm weren’t really at the best terms at that time and Raiden’s name did not foreshadow anything good.
The next sequences may be interpreted as Erron being soft on women but I’m gonna present here different possibilities:
Once Jin went ahead to disrupt the execution, Erron’s first reaction was to shoot him yet Black took aim instead of shooting blindly without care for the crowd (or at least the slow down of his action is how it looked to me). Because he was focused on Jin - the main culprit whose action caused unwanted riot, Cassie easily stopped the attack. Should Erron be more focused on the female soldier at his side? Most likely, but all of this happened in mere seconds so I can understand why stopping Jin acting on his own accord was priority to the mercenary since it was related to his job and he was the one that agreed to take Earthrealmians to Kotal. Which may be the reason why Black just knocked down Cassie and immediately ran after Jin. And mind you, Erron knocked down Cassie by hitting her on the head with the butt of the pistol, which is not a gentle way by no means.
The chapter 6 is focused on Takeda and partially on Cage Team’s run from captivity. The Earthrealmians were important hostages, even if falsely accused of working with D’Vorah. So it makes sense that “Outworld Champions” weren’t trying to kill them. Otherwise Kung Jin would be shot down for good yet Erron kept him just at gunpoint. Once again, the game mechanics don’t make much sense considering how Jin stayed behind as air support but somehow ended up on the bridge while Jacqui disappeared somewhere in the background. Also, the same as with Cassie in Chapter 4, Erron did not kill defeated opponents nor tortured / injured for fun (Rain is a different matter because Erron went for killing only after Kotal’s voiceless order to finish the traitor).
In Chapter 11, Erron is even more degraded into a support role and he did not attack nor take part of the skirmish in the forest until Jacqui beat down Kotal. Personally I suspect he could be (in universe) too injured for hand to hand combat but once Team Cage was surrounded and Kotal gave the order for execution, Erron was aiming at Jacqui and if Sub-Zero did not show up, Black most likely would shoot to kill.
(Also, he did not shoot any enemy from a distance, so the women and men were treated the same although if this is a matter of game mechanics or Erron’s own moral code, hard to tell. Black recognized himself more as Outworlder than anything else so he may actually follow the common there idea of one on one fight.)
So, MKX story mode alone does not tell us much about Erron’s mindset about women because he has never been the one starting fights in the first place. This kinda makes sense since he is a mercenary and kills or injures only those who Kotal wishes to see dead or punished. Besides that he didn’t injure / kill Cassie when he had a chance but he didn't do so with Jin either. MKX!Erron gives the impression of a collected, detached type of person who is far from macho stereotypes or psychopath/sociopath like Kano.
Thankfully there is additional information like dialogue intros and Erron’s ending (from what we learned about Erron's approximate age) that aren’t canon per se but at least give some insight into his psyche.
The best counter argument for eventual Black’s habit of going easy on women is his own ending in which he ambushed and killed Cassie, Jacqui, Takeda and Jin (this situation was repeated in Briggs’ ending except this time Cage Team was saved by Jax). This is a rare moment in which Erron was the attacker and on his own initiated the violence toward others. In this case, he attacked women and men alike.
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Then we have intro dialogues in which Erron usually deals with people in a professional manner, some even sometimes addressing in a polite way. Like “Mr. Kung” to Lao, “Mr. Hasashi” to Scorpion and “Mr. Takahashi” to Takeda. Surprisingly, he addresses Cassie and Sonya by their military rank (Sergeant Cage and General Blade respectively) which suggests that whatever Erron learned a century or two ago about gender-related social norms most likely evolved accordingly to his own life experiences, especially those gained in Outworld.
At the same time, it seems some of outfashioned - harmful - convictions are still enough deeply rooted in him to say stuff like that:
Kenshi: The friendless wanderer.
Erron Black: Least I don't take orders from a woman.
Kenshi: Which century are you from?
Which is kinda ironic since Kenshi takes orders from Sonya whom Erron addresses by high military rank without any snide comment about a woman in the army. But as far as I managed to check the intros, this is the only(?) one outright sexist thing Erron said to anyone and surprisingly, he didn’t say that to any woman, just to Kenshi. Frankly, if the idea of taking orders from women was so offensive, why would Erron bother to call Mileena the Crownless Queen or Kitana the Fallen Princess, if both titles by itself imply facing women that are used to give commands or even hire people like him? Once again, there is little to no sexist attitude toward women in context of their power over other men. Which suggests that whatever prejudices Black may have, he does not allow them to affect his interaction with other characters. Usually, at least.
Okay, the insult toward Kenshi could be some of Erron’s deep-seated sexist beliefs adding to the reason why he didn’t support Mileena in the fight for the throne. Yet, at the same time, if that was the case, he could outright say he doesn’t agree to be bossed by a woman to her (or he could be accused of that by her or any character really). Of course, it could be something similar to Black’s claim to care only about money with MK11 strongly hints he is saying one thing and doing differently but I will come back to this topic in a moment.
Another argument against this insult: Erron was one of the characters that did not mock Mileena’s look, origin or called her crazy. If he really thought listening to women's orders was so bad, then he didn’t show that when interacting with her or other female characters.
At the same time, like many other male characters, Black is not immune to the beauty of women around him and some of his comments sounds disrespectful and are unwelcome by the ladies:
Sonya: The gunslinger.
Erron Black: I could take you away from all this.
Sonya: I must be a jerk-magnet.
→ Sonya is not amused by Erron’s words at all.
Erron Black: Hello, beautiful.
Jacqui: Messin' with the wrong girl.
Erron Black: But it feels so right.
Jacqui is like the only one woman described by MKX!Erron as the beautiful one, the other he usually referred to along the lines of hot / sexy. Yet once Jacqui outright warned him to not mess with her, Erron deliberately ignored her because it amuse him. Whatever it is a sign of an old-fashioned mindset (a remnant of the times he grew up) or just simply (male’s) egoism on his part, Erron likes to flirt with women but he does not always respect their opinion or wish to be left alone.
At the same time, Erron rarely tried to change women’s minds about him or their eventual relationship. So far, only the intro dialogue with Kitana seems to be the exception:
Kitana: Stop!
Erron Black: We've barely begun, my lovely.
Kitana: It will end quickly.
Black may put his own amusement above other people's personal comfort, yes, but didn’t act creepy like Kano did, especially toward Blade-Briggs-Cage family as a whole.
So we have this
Jacqui: I really don't like you.
Erron Black: I really don't care.
Jacqui: As long as we're straight on that.
in which Erron doesn’t care for Jacqui’s dislike of his person but doesn’t impose himself on her. He does not resort to the common rapist “excuse” that woman says no but her body says otherwise, like Kano did (“Your mouth says Kano, but your eyes say Kan-yes.”) and this contrast puts Black in a more positive light. Similar thing happened in the intro dialogue toward Tanya.
Erron Black: My friend, Tanya.
Tanya: We are not friends, bounty hunter.
Erron Black: Have it your way...
Again, whether trying to be friendly or ironic, once Erron was “turned down”, he simply accepted the situation without any additional crude remarks.
Interestingly, interaction with Sonya showed that Black was capable of rethinking his statement about hot/sexy women:
Erron Black: Girls with guns? Always hot.
Sonya: I'll shove 'em up your ass and fire.
Erron Black: Almost always hot.
Those examples suggest Erron may treat women differently, depending on their “fighting experiences”, age and origin and maybe even how sexually / aesthetically appealing they are to him. For example, veteran Sonya’s threat was taken seriously while (novice / new generation) Jacqui’s warning was ignored. At the same time, the intro dialogues didn’t hint at any romantic or sexual interest in Ferra (a young female symbiote) nor D’Vorah (Kytinn) and relatively good looking Mileena who deserves a separate paragraph.
To be honest, Erron, Johnny and Kano are like the main three men openly showing their (sexual?) interest in women around them. Understable, Black’s flirting / comments rarely were appreciated yet he still was less creepy or aggressive towards others than Kano. Erron didn’t bother to hide his eventual (sexual) interest in beautiful women but it can’t be said A) he had no control over his sexual drive and B) has rapist / sexual predator tendencies.
Another interesting thing: with few exceptions like Kano or Quan Chi, Erron threatened people with violence usually after they offended him and most of the time maintained professional neutrality toward his rivals. In that regard, Erron treated other characters the same regardless of their gender.
This is something worth keeping in mind how Black, as mercenary, in general is not the initiator of violence. Unless someone will pay him. For money, Erron would attack (kill) anyone, including women (to Tanya, “The Kahn wants your head.” + Erron’s Epilogue).
The last detail to talk about: one of the intro dialogue with Cassie suggests Erron thought she was an easy opponent.
Cassie: Is something funny?
Erron Black: I'll win this easy.
Cassie: You're going down hard.
but to be fair, he thought the same about Sub-Zero
Erron Black: You're an easy target.
Sub-Zero: As are you.
Erron Black: Bullets beat snowballs any day.
so I wouldn’t say it was the bias toward Cassie because of her gender and just Erron’s own arrogance (and maybe lack of good judgement on his part).
In summary, MKX!Erron in game alone tends to act in a professional manner. He had an occasion to shoot defeated opponents but did not seize the opportunity against not only Cassie but Jin as well. During the storyline he was rather collected, emotionless. In intro dialogues he openly expresses his interest in tough, relatively attractive women yet the banter is far from the creeping tone of Kano’s interaction with female characters.
Then we have Mortal Kombat 11 in which past and future timelines are messed up. Sadly, Erron’s characterization departs from the neutral-polite one seen in the previous game. Of course, this could be blamed on the younger version of Erron, but frankly, twenty years for someone living at least for a century and half shouldn’t make that big difference in behaviour and well, MK11 outright claims Erron is prone to violence for violence’s sake instead of just money. Which is one of many plot-holes and divergences between both games I guess.
Anyway, Erron, again, was the background character to beat down, so it is worth remembering that he couldn’t permanently hurt or kill anyone from the main cast. In chapter 2 he let Jade get away when he was facing Kotal and frankly, there is little explanation for that in-universe wise. I personally suspect it may be related to Erron’s own sense of honor, as in respecting one on one fight without cheap moves like shooting someone’s beloved person. Not practical in the mercenary job but it is possible for someone born and raised around two centuries ago. Also, Shao Kahn’s anger was focused mainly on killing Kotal for taking the throne. Because of that Erron could be not interested in Jade who simply did not have any significant political matter at that time. Sadly, it is really hard to say for sure what was on his mind.
In chapter 6, past!Erron stormed the Special Forces Base alongside Black Dragon members. There were women in that group but sadly, Black did not interact with anyone beside Johnny Cage. We can at least assume, Black did not mind fighting side by side with women.
Similary, present!Erron in chapter 7 showed up in the background during the alliance attack on Coliseum. The attack was led by Kitana (albeit did Erron join her to save Kotal out of loyalty or for money, it was not explained) and there were female fighters in the group. It seems then Erron does not mind fighting side to side with women.
During the pit fight (chapter 8), past!Erron faced the past!Sonya and the past!Johnny. Frankly, the same as in the previous chapter, game mechanics make little sense because there was no real reason for Erron to open the ring and face the characters when he could simply shoot down both from a safe distance. This really undermines the whole point of Black being a gunslinger, isn’t it?
Anyway, Cage took the forward position (which I think is both because despite his injuries he tried to shield Sonya AND because he actually met Erron during an attack on a Special Forces’ base) and got shot in the arm. After a short skirmish, Erron knocked down Johnny and aimed to kill the injured man.
The most logical thing for Erron in this situation would be to shoot down Sonya first and then finish already beaten down and exhausted Johnny. In defense of the Black though it is worth emphasizing that he didn’t completely ignore Blade nor turned away from her.
Most likely the weird slow-down action of aiming at Johnny was a moment of distraction that Sonya simply used to attack. Similar to MKX, game mechanics do not allow Black to headshot the main heroes, even though, in-universe, he should do just that and be done with the job. There is also a possibility that past and present Kano still wanted to keep Sonya alive for their own amusment (torture and sadly most likely rape) what could explain why Erron didn’t shot her from safe distance. I mean, the game alone did not voice what Kanos really ordered Erron to do.
I know that MK games like to slow down action for dramatic effects, but I strongly believe it was actually a matter of a few seconds of distraction (Erron looking aside to shoot Johnny and aiming) that Sonya took advantage of rather Black ignoring her on purpose. Even more since Black did not hesitate to shoot at her and seemed to enjoy facing “the legendary” Sonya Blade.
The same as MKX, Mortal Kombat 11 does not explain Black’s mindset. He does not shoot Jade or Sonya when he has a chance but he does not make any rude remarks toward women in general. However the intro dialogues shed a light on the complicated relationship that Erron has with women.
From what we learn about Erron, his childhood was far from normal or safe. We don’t know details, but what he shared with Cetrion and Cassie strongly suggest that Erron’s both parents were abusive people:
Cetrion: You shot your own father, Erron Black.
Erron: Sonofabitch had it coming.
Cetrion: Honor thy parents, mortal!
or
Erron: My Ma would’ve loved you, Cassie Cage.
Cassie: Aw, sounds like you miss her bunches.
Erron: I hated Ma.
or
Erron: I grew up around tough women.
Cassie: Didn’t they teach you respect?
Erron: They taught me to hit back.
The last statement suggests young Erron was abused by women (most likely including his own mother) to the point he is now willing to hit back anyone regardless of their gender without remorse. Erron himself says “I ain't above shootin' a lady” (intro dialogue vs. Sonya).
Beside that, an abusive mother alone could influence Black’s approach to women - and most likely she did, since he admitted to hate her. Surprisingly, Erron uses the past tense (“I hated Ma”) so there is a chance he gained distance over time in that matter. It also seems like whatever he feels about mother usually doesn't affect his relationship with other female characters. For example, in the mentioned banter he did not insult Cassie for reminding him about the abusive parent. Despite the bad childhood intro dialogues hint Black actually likes dangerous women.
Erron Black: I stepped out with Nitara before you.
Skarlet: You clearly have a type, Erron.
Erron Black: Just like living dangerously.
Like in the previous game, Erron openly shows his (sexual) interest in various women. The interesting change however is how:
His interest extends now to more alien-looking female characters like Nitara or Sheeva. Surprisingly, Mileena’s advances are still rejected. Also, Erron has like zero respect for the goddess Cetrion but to be honest, he does not respect any god.
Erron is more disrespecting by using nicknames like Legs or Baby Doll for Sonya or Sugar for Cassie. Of course, it may be just the “charm” of younger Black - hard to tell in most cases which version is speaking - but it creates an overall feeling of ironic, at times irritating or insulting approach to female fighters. At the same time, there are women that Erron refers to in a rather consistently respectful manner - Jacqui (Miss Briggs, Little Lady), Jade (ma’am, missy), Kitana (Princess, Kahn).
Before I will focus on the complex situation with Mileena, I need to talk about Erron’s important trait: he often says one thing but does the opposite. This is especially noticeable in intro dialogues concerning money and loyalty. Both games agree the main motivation for Black is a good payment, albeit MK11 highline also the thrill of danger. Anyway, Erron admitted he is willing to betray Kotal, a current employer, if someone offered a better deal (“Until a better offer comes along.”, “There's always a better offer, Kotal”). This strengthens the impression Black cares only about himself yet he rejects all propositions coming from Kotal’s enemies such as Shao Kahn, Rain or Mileena, Quan Chi, Shinnok and Kano/Black Dragons. At the same, he is willing to work with/ for Kitana who happens to be the best friend of Jade, Kotal’s beloved. Which makes Erron still operate in a group wishing no harm to the ex-emperor.
I’m bringing this into discussion because there is strong possibility that under the tough guy act, Erron still follows some “old-fashioned” sense of morality and is decent enough to not attack or harm women (and in my opinion, people in general) unless A) it is part of the job or B) is self-defense. Which could explain why he let Jade walk away or why he didn’t shoot Sonya from a safe distance but faced her in hand to hand combat. Depending how long he lived in Outworld, he could simply adapt into local customs - the people of Outworld are a combat-focused society and because of that have a strong sense of honor code. Erron’s eventual softness toward female fighters would get him in serious problems and I doubt he could afford such weakness when serving Shang Tsung or Shao Kahn.
So, why did Erron not want to serve Mileena, the designated successor? As the Empress, she was in position to offer the best (materially wise at least) deal after all.
In MKX!banter Erron claims Kotal paid him better:
Mileena: You aided the usurper.
Erron Black: He offered more coins.
Mileena: ...and no protection.
Meanwhile, MK11!Black outright says it was not a matter of money but of Mileena’s behaviour. Considering how prone to violence she was, it is no wonder why Erron decided to work for someone else.
Erron Black: Now what's got you all rip-snorting mad?
Mileena: When I gained the throne, you abandoned it.
Erron Black: Wasn't no pay worth dealing with your crazy.
This brings me back to the MKX’s banter suggesting Erron may dislike being bossed by women. Considering the implication he is currently negotiating a proper deal with Kitana Kahn (“New Kahn, same deal?”), the problem is more complex than judging someone by gender alone. I mean, Erron worked for Shao Kahn who himself was a cruel tyrant so sadism shouldn't be anything new for Black, right? Except, he was hired by Shang Tsung and because of that I think it is highly possible Erron had just indirect contact with the Emperor. Thus Erron could be not ready for Mileena’s unstable nature(?) and cruelty.
I mean - Erron comes from a pathological family and grew up around tough women. In his opinion Cassie has some traits or behaves in a way for which his mother would’ve liked the girl. So there are certain things that Black connects to hated mother. Now, Cassie is more of an extrovert type of person, showy and with sharp ripostes but she is one of the good guys and cruelty for fun is not her thing. So, if someone like Cassie can somehow make him think of a hated parent (that most likely is dead for decades now), how much Mileena could trigger Erron in the wrong way? To the point he chooses his mental health over money and/or thrill of danger?
If this is true, we may further wonder if bad experiences with tough women in childhood are the reason why despite flirtatious nature, Erron’s interest in female fighters usually is strictly sexual attraction? Because it really looks like he does not try to emotionally connect with women. Even his “thing” with Skarlet seems to be more a matter of thrill than a serious relationship, considering how Erron was okay with her eventual death.
(The possibility of Erron being freaked out by Mileena also rises an interesting question about her mental state between MK9 and MKX)
This is why I think Erron did not have a problem with working for women as long as they did not remind him too much of past abuse. And this is pretty nice implication, considering how tough guy Erron is for most of the time.
Because of that, Kotal questioning if Erron is jealous of Jade could be read in different way too:
Erron Black: So, you and Jade, huh?
Kotal Kahn: Jealous, Erron Black?
Erron Black: She's quite the looker, Kotal.
And yeah, Erron brings this to the matter of appearance alone, but hopeful as I proved earlier, Erron sometimes says one thing but does (thinks) something totally different. Because of that I suspect he may not be really jealous of Kotal for having a sexy lady but actually of the relationship itself. You know, build on respect and love than just build on sexual drive.
Like I said before, the game cutscenes and character banters may be interpreted in many ways but for me MK11!Erron Black - at least the older version - seems to mask his trauma and/or complex nature of his relationship with women under the act of tough guys. At the same time, there is a high possibility he still follows an out-fashioned sense of honor and though he is not above shooting women, he does not attack them unless it is demanded. Though to be fair, in my opinion this is how he approaches everyone. A mercenary’s mindset that distinguishes him from the likes of Kano.
In Mortal Kombat 11: Aftermatch, Erron met Sheeva, when the Shokan Queen in the company of Fujin, Nightwolf and Shang Tsung carried a coffin to the Soul Chamber. Black and Baraka decided to confront the Shokan woman and it quickly turned into a fight (and the typical game mechanics).
There is a question though - did Erron really take Kitana's offer or did he stay with Kotal? Because it’s really suspicious that he happened in the place where defenless, injured Kotal was in the healing process. Anyway, whatever the case, Black directly or indirectly worked for the new Kahn so it is highly possible his actions were dictated by Kitana’s best interest rather than his liking or disliking anyone.
Let’s just look at the situation - Kitana is the empress but she promised to treat her allies as her equals. That means Sheeva, as well respected Shokan Queen, plays an important role in the new regime - killing her or permanently injuring was out question, otherwise Shokan people could rebel against Kitana and in result the freshly established peace would go straight to hell.
In my opinion, this is why Erron asked Sheeva’s group to go with them quietly so the situation could be explained to Kitana without unnecessary violence. Black actually was okay with Sheeva go to Soul Chamber as long as Shang Tsung (Shao Kahn’s sorcerer) and the suspicious coffin was returned to him. Thanks to Shang Tsung, one of Tarkatan warrior died and thus the situation got out of hand. It makes sense Erron was more focused on Shang Tsung (hated by Kitana), Nightwolf (whose current self is revenant) and Fujin than on Sheeva who, potentially, was protected by political immunity.
When the Shokan Queen beat down Baraka, Erron in my opinion did not try to hurt her, only fired a warning shot. Maybe to make sure Sheeva will not kill Baraka (another important leader whose support Kitana needed to uphold the peace in Outworld). The Earthrealmers on other hand were another matter. Maybe Erron was too trusting or too reckless to not pay more attention to Sheeva or simply didn’t really think she was the traitor. It was after learning she is trying to resurrect Kitana’s evil mom - a dangerous, not consulted with Empress decision - Erron faced Sheeva in hand to hand combat.
Not much to analyse here, especially not with limitations of game mechanics yet I strongly believe Erron’s course of action was dictated by political situation and Kitana Kahn’s best interest so killing or seriously injuring Sheeva could be out of question. Also, like I said previously, Black is rarely the aggressor, what I believe is related to his mercenary’s mindset.
The last source, Mortal Kombat X comics series, requires a little clarification: I treat it as a potentially additional insight into Erron’s psyche than any real canonical material. Partially due to many plot-holes but also because of overwhelming violence used for violence’s sake alone. That said, here what happens:
Earthrealm (Special Forces) and Outworld (Kotal Kahn) weren’t on the best terms. To help Kotal, Erron and Black Dragons kidnapped young (under 21 years old) Cassie and Jacqui and took them to Outworld. During the journey through the dangerous jungle, girls tried to run away but got hurt in the process by Kano. Erron openly talked against brutal treatment of prisoners.
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Looking at the difficult situation of Kotal, it was in Erron’s best interest to keep Cassie and Jacqui in one piece. Otherwise the whole plan would fail and then Kotal would be forced to deal with really pissed off Sonya Blade. And that would take a bad turn for Black himself. But like I said earlier, the tough guy act could also cover Erron’s more empathic nature that in the mercenary world was seen as a weakness to exploit. I personally think he did not like torturing people if that was unnecessary but also that he would have spoken against it even if Cassie and Jaquie were boys.
Then the Red Dragons attacked to take over hostages.
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(Once again, a tough guy act with the “girls are Kotal’s property” as in cover up his worries about the situation or his true mindset, or mix?)
When the fight started, Erron went to tied hostages:
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One one hand, Erron needs the girl to stay alive and not be taken by the enemy. On the other hand, he does not promise them safety nor ask them to run away. He is freeing them so the two girl (both under 21 years old) will fight against experienced criminals armed with swords and other dangerous stuff. This is actually an interesting detail, because it suggests Erron thought Cassie and Jacqui had a chance against thugs or that at least that way they wouldn't be a burden to him.
Jacqui punched him and Erron, either was taken by surprise or did not want to hurt her, was “saved” by Kano. And then betrayed by the Black Dragon leader.
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Kano’s worlds raise a question, how much Erron is driven by the money and how much he uses the tough guy act to actually hide his unwanted “vulnerability” (as in, having moral sense and not being the heartless psychopath like Kano).
My general conclusion about Erron is that, for a side character he has a really complex relationship with women around him. I strongly believe that Erron sticks to some old fashioned sense of honor that mixes well with a mercenary's mindset. Thus rarely he is the one attacking first. This most likely influences his interaction with female fighters but at the same time, Outworld is not a place where people are judged by gender but for their skills and powers. So, Erron living there for decades for sure got influenced by that mindset to some degree.
I would not call him a feminist - not because he couldn’t be one but for lack of proper material to analyse. Feminism has many shades but in the most general sense is about establishing the political, economic, personal, and social equality of the sexes. Erron does not show much opinion on that matter and does not interact with “common” women; those truly weaker than him, disabled or anything else other than warriors, soldiers or queens. With lack of such interaction there is no chance to come to a proper conclusion.
Does Erron have a soft spot for women? It is possible but that would not stop him from hitting back or killing them if the situation called for such action. I think the safest option is just that Erron is in general a more emphatic and honorable human that he wants to admit, to not look weak or be exploited by others. In contrast to Kano, Black for sure has some moral code he follows no matter what. Even if this get him into trouble more often than not.
Hope it answers your question!
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rachelbethhines · 4 years
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Tangled Salt Marathon - The Lost Treasure of Herz Der Sonne
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So now we get to what is, in my opinion, the best episode in season three. However, it’s still season three, so that’s damning with faint praise. 
Summary: Rapunzel tasks the kingdom with refurbishing the throne room. While breaking down a wall, they find a map to the Lost Treasure of Herz Der Sonne and Rapunzel decides to set up a race to the location. The teams, which consist of twos, are only allowed to look at the map briefly before the start of the race. However, Rapunzel's partner, Feldspar, brings a copy of the map with him and he warns her that the treasure is cursed. 
Why Are You Just Getting to This Now? 
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It’s literally been months since you defeated the Saporians. Edmund had to have time to travel all this way to Corona and you’ve rebuilt an entire village since then. We’re talking at bare minimum three months or more. 
Who just leaves a gapping hole inside their home for three months? Where did you conduct the government’s important business during that time? Is there any other structural damage to the castle or the town outside from previous battles that you’ve just left unattended? I understand that rebuilding Old Corona is important but those villagers have been evacuated and living elsewhere for a year and a half now since Queen for a Day. It wasn’t a priority, but this is. 
Also this episode has to come after The Return of the King and Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf because Red, Angry, and Hamuel exist. It can’t just be slotted in somewhere else in order for it to make more sense. The writers genuinely planned for Rapunzel to be this disorganized and didn’t think to give a logical reason as to why. 
Also Why Are You Conscripting Regular Citizens Instead of Hiring Professional Contractors?
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Unlike Old Corona, which is a full on community that would require multiple building projects going on simultaneously and therefore could use volunteers, this is a single government building. It’s Rapunzel’s job as leader to make sure that that building is kept maintained and up to code. It’s her responsibility not the regular average citizen’s who has their own jobs to do and zero experience with construction.  
Rapunzel is literally forcing these people to be slave labor for her under the pretense of ‘community’. She’s taking their time away from their own busy lives, forcing them to work a dangerous job, and not compensating them for that time, effort, and risk. And no, they’re not just volunteers at this point; because as acting queen, no one can safely say no to her nor can they just leave even when they’re clearly annoyed and fed up at having to do the work.  
Lastly they’re untrained. They lack the skills and tools to this job. You need an architect, you need a safety inspector, you need actual carpenters and masonries ... maybe even an interior decorator... The point is you need trained professionals and part of being an administrator is using government funding to hire these people in order to make sure the work gets done safely and efficiently and create jobs and keep money circulating through the economy.       
Rapunzel may not mean any harm. She might just be oblivious and untrained herself. But this is terrible leadership and the show never points that out. It never has her learn how to be a better a ruler so by the end of the series you don't feel she’s earned that title of Queen and you fear for the kingdom’s continued existence.   
So Why Is This Here?
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Why would there be a Saporian map to a king of Corona’s tomb hidden in the wall? What’s the story behind this? 
Yes we know his wife was Saporian, but that doesn’t explain anything. Why would she need a map on the wall to her own husband’s resting place; assuming he didn’t out live her himself. Why would said map be carved into the wall of Corona’s castle and not written on a scroll? Why is it in Saporian when they don't speak that language in Corona? 
Like I could come up with explanations and create this whole backstory for Herz Der Sonne and the first Saporian/Coronian War, but at this point I’d just be doing the work of the writers for them. They’re the ones who introduced this lore and had it inform plot points and character motivation; and then failed to explain any of it to the audience and adequately have it all connect back together in a way that makes sense. 
The Moment When You Realize This Whole Episode Exists Because Zachary Levi Enjoys Doing an Ed Wynn Impersonation 
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Ok time to explain some behind the scenes Info.
This is Ed Wynn. 
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As you can tell from the gif above, he’s famous for voicing the Mad Hatter in Disney’s Alice in Wonderland. He’s also done a whole bunch of other stuff and was well known even before working with Disney, but the Mad Hatter is his most well remembered role today. 
Many actors, particularly voice actors, like to do impressions of him because he has such a distinctive voice. Including Eugene’s VA, Zachery Levi.  
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Now I don’t know if the character of Feldspar was created specifically because the creators were inspired by Zachery Levi’s impression, or if they had this character already planned out and just casted him in the role since he could do it and it’d save them money. Either scenario is plausible and not unheard of in animation. But the long and short of it is, as a shoemaker, Feldspar is intended to be a parody of the Mad Hatter. That is why the character exists. 
Now as I said, this isn’t unusual for animated tv shows. Quite often you get main cast members to voice secondary and/or one off characters because it’s convenient, efficient, and doable when working with audio recordings. Also quite often voice actors will do impressions of other famous people to flesh out these background characters. It’s also not out of left field for these secondary characters to get an episode of focus if they’ve been around for awhile and keep popping up in the story. 
What is unusual, however, is to focus on said character in the final season when there are a bunch of other more important characters with unresolved arcs that need the screen time more. It’s an incredibly odd decision to highlight Feldspar here when we still got Varian readjusting back into society, Red and Angry settling into their new home, and Edmund running around off screen. And while some of these character feature in the episode, they’re just there for the jokes not for any development. 
What’s a “Sap Pond” and How Does That Even Work?
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Ok its a fantasy world, I get it. But the franchise does try to have a distinction between the magical and the mundane. Or at least pretends to try and have a distinction. There’s to my knowledge no such thing as a ‘sap pond’, and if such a thing does exist I doubt it’s an actual deep pit full of tree sap as shown here. 
If you want characters to still be surprised by out of the ordinary occurrences and have the supernatural world be separate from the regular world; then you need to have the mundane world grounded in our known reality. Nature needs to function as real world nature would. If something exists in your world that doesn't in ours, then you need to either explain it or have the characters responded appropriately to it. 
But You’re a Prince Now?
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Look, I’ll buy that season one Eugene didn’t have unlimited access to the royal treasury as he and Rapunzel were still new to their roles and their relationship. But it’s been over two years since the movie ended. 
Since then Eugene and Rapunzel have lived together, shared finances together, and currently are co-acting rulers of the kingdom. He’s also a bonified prince in of itself on top of being practically married to princess/queen. 
Yeah I said it. Part of what makes season three so frustrating is that Rapunzel and Eugene are functionally married at this point, they just haven’t gone through the ceremony yet, and there’s no stated reason for why they keep dragging things out.  
This is why we get out of place jokes like this that no longer reflect who Eugene is now as a person and feel like they belong back in season one or the even the movie itself. 
I can understand if he wanted to join in the competition because it’s fun, but he’s not poor. Neither he nor Rapunzel needs the treasure. I’m not sure even Lance needs it because as Eugene’s best friend/adopted brother he’s piratically nobility at this point as well. 
Royalty and the rich are not and never will be underdogs show. Stop trying to make them such. 
So Why Feldspar Again? 
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This is such a half assed plot point. 
Remember Rapunzel literally pulled out a book earlier to translate the map.  Xavier not only knows the legends about the Saporians, but also keeps a book of magic lying around, and the Saporians are the only human people who have functioning magic in the show as part of their culture.    Varian spent a year living and working with the Saporian leader, and knows how to decipher ancient scrolls written in dead languages.  And said Saporians, are being currently held in the dungeons of the castle.  
But you’re telling me that only a random cobbler can read the warning clearly written on the map? 
They give some bullshit reason as to why Feldspar knows Sapoprian but it doesn’t matter. It’s a forced and contrived excuse to get the character involved in a plot he has no business being in. The story fails to justify the use him over the other more prominent characters who have closer ties to this particular subplot. 
And We’re Suppose to Believe That Herz Der Sonne Was a Good Guy?
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Why would a benevolent king who supposedly brought peace to a warring land have a doomsday curse involving zombies? Why would said king be enshrined a tomb that’s not native to his culture? What even is the treasure and why be buried with it? 
There’s clearly more going on here regarding Corona’s past and the treatment of the Saporians as a people in their own right, but the show never does anything with it. Why introduce these complexities and world building if you’re not going to tell a story with them? Why have the Saporian subplot at all in a series already over stuffed with villains if you aren’t going to have them challenge your protagonist and have her grow into a more mature person? 
I’m not dunking on the series for being ambitious nor for having flavor text to help flesh out the world, but it so aggravating that there’s no follow through on the show’s set ups and narrative promises. If you’re not going to give the needed focus to something then just don’t put it in. Cause once it’s aired you’re committed to it and the audience is going to hold you to account. 
I haven’t seen plot mismanagement this bad since the 80s; back when cartoons had to battle network syndication, episode commissions instead of contracted seasons, and could be canceled at any time without prior notice. Now there’s still plenty of bad practices going on in the industry, especially as the move to streaming messes with things, but Tangled does not have the same excuses as say Johnny Quest, Dungeons and Dragons, or even Gargoyles did. 
How Do You Even Know That Would Work, Rapunzel?
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No seriously, how does Rapunzel know that putting the treasure chest back on the pedestal will stop the cruse? That hasn’t been established yet by any known source of information. Heck no one knew what the curse actually entailed until it was activated. Except for Xavier who oh so conveniently didn’t say anything until the last moment. If anyone should have the knowledge to on how to end the curse it’s him. But nope we gotta make the Rapunzel the infallible hero who is always right for no logical reason.  
I don’t know how to explain this to you show, but perfect is boring. No one wants a flawless protagonist who can do it all 24/7 without any help whatsoever. And it becomes down right annoying to watch a hero who is clearly flawed still put upon a narrative pedestal as if they weren’t. 
So Why is Varian Suddenly Useless In This Fight?
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This entire climax is about showcasing the ‘power of teamwork’ by having the characters use their various skills sets and work together to defeat the enemy. 
Except for Varian. 
He’s treated at best as a spectator to the unfolding events and at worst as a damsel in distress. 
Varian. You know the guy who is the series most competent and threating antagonist. Who brought an entire kingdom to it’s knees, twice. The only other character besides Rapunzel herself who could and does hold his own against other major antagonists, including super powered ones.  
If this was just a one off incident, I’d just shrug it away as him being a glass cannon; insanely overpowered when well prepared but easily out of his depth when not. But that’s not what’s happening here. 
Season three constantly nerfs Varian’s abilities, same as they did back in The Alchemist Returns, and there’s three reasons for this. 
The first is to try and stop him from overshadowing Rapunzel and Cassandra. The writers don’t want to give him any more story focus for fear of him being more popular the the two girls. Which is a ridiculous and petty reason to write a character OOC but there you go. 
The second is the on going issue of making Rapunzel needlessly the center of any and all solutions to every problem regardless of her level of involvement in the initial conflict. Yes, it’s her show, but she’s still not the whole world. Other people exist outside of her and it’s not fair to anybody when the writers ignore that simple fact.   
Last is the writers sacrificing established character for a joke. And as already pointed out, even in this very review, Varian’s not the only character to fall victim to this. It’s just bad writing. Yeah the joke might be funny in the moment but you run the risk of jarring you’re audience’s immersion. In a series like Tangled where you’re constantly asking the audience to suspend their disbelief, humor needs to be firmly rooted in the characters natural behaviors and must evolve to match any character development.   
Why not just have Varian throw a chimball or two, run out cause he wasn’t planning on fighting anybody that day, and then have the other characters rescue him? It’s not that hard to work in a joke while still being respectful of the characters.  
So What Does Anybody Learn From This Episode?
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Yeah the other characters learn some vague lesson on teamwork and getting along or something, but they’re not the focus of the episode. What do Rapunzel and Feldspar learn? 
Unlike some people I don’t mind Feldspar’s existence. When’s he’s kept as a background character he works. In fact he’s one of the few townspeople who do work as intended, because he’s representative of the everyday citizen who’s often on the outside looking in on these fantastical events and therefore gives insight into what’s going on and the populous’ opinions on things without being a major player in anything. 
That's fine, needed even, and I don’t mind him getting a single focus episode to gain a greater insight into how this world works or even flesh out his character more, but that’s not what we got. Feldspar doesn’t grow as a character because of this episode. I, as the viewer watching, learn nothing about him nor his life that I didn’t already know. This resolution with him resolves nothing cause it’s a ending for a conflict that was never established beforehand.  
In fact what even was the main conflict of the story? Rapunzel being annoyed by Feldspar? Ok and..? Did she need to learn not to be annoyed by him? Was that a thing that needed to be addressed? Hasn’t Rapunzel already put up with annoying people before now? Was was this deficiency of character actually solved by this one interaction? Has she learned to be more appreciative, attentive, or open minded of others? 
If you tell me it’s Rapunzel’s show then I expect Rapunzel to actually learn shit! 
I expect the external conflicts to tie back into her interpersonal conflicts. If the external conflict does not do that than there better well be a another character who gets that focus instead without her hogging the limelight. 
This Dynamic Adds Nothing
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They set up this friendship with Varian and Xavier and it doesn't go anywhere. It never comes back into play and we never see them interacting on screen together again. It also undermines a future plot point that’s coming up later. 
More over it doesn’t further either of their characters. 
Xavier is still an extraneous exposition fairy. Turning his flat characterization into a one note joke does not erase that fact. Giving him a kid to tell stories to doesn’t explain his place in the narrative or give him purpose to the story. We still don’t know why he has these connections to magic nor how he knows all the this lore, and he doesn’t push the plot forward. 
Meanwhile Varian maybe lonely but that doesn’t mean he needs yet another mentor figure in his life. We already have his father, who we barely see him interact with since coming back, and all his other ‘friends’ are way older then him already as well. Rapunzel’s the closest in age to him and she is constantly condescending to, well everybody, as she pretends to be more mature than she actually is. There’s no one in the story who Varian is on equal footing with, and no Angry and Red don't count as they’re far younger than him. 
I don’t know what this series has against teenagers but it showcases some very unhealthy depictions of them; ether by constantly infantilizing them, traumatizing them while subjecting them to parentification, or just flat out ignoring their existence all together. 
Teenagers exist and they need to be treated as teenagers. I don’t know how to put it more simply than that. Teens aren’t children. Teens aren’t adults. They’re teens. And when writing for them you need to understand that difference and acknowledge that they have a completely different phycological development and placement within society to anybody else. That’s why the category of adolescence exists separately from childhood and adulthood in the first place.   
So to tie things back to the first point. The concept of Xavier and Varian having a friendship is not a problem. But as with so many things on this show, it’s the surrounding context and lack of follow through where the issues arises. 
Varian needs a friend his age, who is his equal, more so than a mentor; if indeed Xavier is even intended to serve that function as he doesn’t do any real mentoring. This should have been an opportunity to bring Faith in and establish her better. In fact it’s reasons like this why she should have been a bigger character all along but we’ll get more into that as we get to her only ‘focus’ episode. 
Conclusion 
It’s fun seeing all the various character interactions and unique team ups. Also the humor does work. The jokes do land even if they do bulldoze through established canon. Plus seeing Rapunzel actually annoyed by shit going on around her is always entertaining as it humanizes her. If watched in isolation from the rest of season three, this is an enjoyable episode. But that’s it’s core problem. I shouldn’t have to find filler to keep me going in the last leg of the show. 
This was pretty short comparatively speaking with the rest of the ones I have to write for S3, but longer ones are going to come out more slowly just due to real life and time. As always though you’re support is helpful in keeping going, and if you feel like you can donate to my Ko-fi and leave a tip there. 
https://ko-fi.com/rachelbethhines
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3wisellamas · 3 years
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Just Rewatched Books 1 and 2, here’s a bunch of observations and wild, probably completely false theories!
Because dangit, this is how I get my kicks.
-In The Unfinished Car, it was One who Tulip was ultimately speaking to towards the end.  It was One who expressed guilt over allowing the car to happen.  It was One who she finally convinced to let it go as it was, stop trying to fix everything, and even break the car again to restore the turtle peoples’ way of life.  And, it was ONE, not One-One, who jumped into her arms in the end, and made these particular faces, meaning he probably wasn’t entirely emotionless and robotic as conductor:
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(apologies for TV pics on these.  ^^; )
-Also, while One-One normally talks in his two different voices, and even converses/riffs on himself, in that scene before his voices combined back into One’s they were literally finishing each other’s sentences -- syncing up again!  Does this mean that One-One is actually just...out of sync, rather than completely broken? 
-I don’t think Amelia was going to the roof of her old university after Alrick’s death to jump.  In The Past Car, she’s clearly on the ground while the roof...flattens?  She literally watches it disappear right in front of her!  And the train tracks are already in place when she gets up there.  So, it might have been less that the train found her at her lowest point, but that she found the train -- and went right up to investigate it!
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-And here’s another juicy Amelia theory:  Throughout Book 1, One-One has a tendency to use the words “gone forever”.  He uses it while telling Tulip what will happen when her number reaches zero (making her think she’ll die, when really he just means leave the train forever), then he uses it a second time while in Amelia’s tape, describing “Amelia” (actually Alrick, remember we were led to believe she was Alrick at first), who IS dead.  And the final usage is after Tulip has her exit restored, and One-One says again that she’ll be “gone forever”, but, in this case, he clarifies that that’s a GOOD thing.  So, what if, when One learned about Alrick from Young!Amelia, he used that same phrase, telling her he was “gone forever” -- One meant this as a comfort, maybe even a misguided attempt to convince her she should be happy he’s gone (like, it was One’s way of saying “He’s no longer in pain”), but to Amelia, it’s just reminding her of why she’s on the train in the first place.  Thus prompting...you know.
-Okay, last observation about that damn Amelia tape:  While in there, The Cat mentions that the memories are recorded as the passenger stores them, meaning there may be biases / misremembering / other things that not only change the memories to trap passengers in them, but also change what VIEWERS would see as well -- like how Amelia kept the memory of her wandering the streets after her husband’s death “at a distance”, which prevented Tulip from getting close.  So...what if more elements of Amelia’s tape weren’t 100% accurate, due to misremembering things, convincing herself certain things were true when they weren’t, maybe even her age or the tape itself degrading over time, etc?  Maybe even Alrick wasn’t remembered 100% accurately, with her grief clouding her memories and making him seem like a different, more ideal person?  (I’m bringing this up because MAN did I have a realization later on...)
-After Atticus was turned into a Ghom, the first thing he did was attack Tulip, but he hesitated, allowing her to escape -- as if he remembered being her friend.  And, then, when he was freed from the tube, right next to both Tulip, a passenger whose nice tasty life he could suck out, and the Steward, a robot, the first thing he did was attack the Steward.  Just as he was trying to do before getting Ghom-ed!  So, I think it’s safe to say, that, if the Ghoms really are transformed denizens, they still possess some memory of who they used to be and what they were doing before they were transformed.  So...what does it say, then, that every non-Atticus Ghom we’ve seen has been trying to kill passengers (and NOT hesitate and let them go)?
-Tape Car time.  So, if that’s the only car with its universe projected on the OUTSIDE, then that not only means the train, the wasteland, etc are all fake and part of the car’s projection, but...also the Engine, the control console, and One(-One)?  Does this mean he was a fake conductor, too?
-And then, to make this even more of a mind screw...the Mirror World is apparently NOT a creation of the train, since MT / Lake has been with Tulip since the beginning even in the real world, and she was eventually able to leave the train -- when it’s shown that train-created items (like, say, the device Jesse was wearing when he got his first exit in the Mall Car) CANNOT go through exit portals.  (But, then, for some reason, the handcuffs Mace had slapped onto MT also didn’t go through the portal with her?  Meaning they were from the train?  IDK.)  Point is, though, the Chrome Car is a projection of the train, which itself is not real, as a projection of the Tape Car...but it’s connected to the Mirror World, which is connected to both the real world and the train?  Does this mean the real world is part of the Tape Car’s projection as well?  Is this a damn Matrix situation?
-There’s more Mirror World emergency services than just the Flecks -- remember the two paramedics that showed up in the Chrome Car to take care of Mirror Atticus and Mirror One-One?  I honestly wonder now if they used to be reflections as well, who chose to keep their memories but not be cops?
-Alright, this is my most out-there theory, but I gotta say it.  Mace and Alrick look slightly similar, at least as similar as a human and a featureless reflection cop can look -- the square jaws especially.  And his voice also sounds a LOT like Alrick doing his robot voice with that modulator.  So...maybe a connection there?  Mirror Alrick decided to keep his memories after his death?  I know I’ve seen this theory floating out there before, so it’s not new, but I just had to add it.  But, then, another implication if this is true:  Did he do this to keep remembering Amelia?  And...Mirror One-One wasted no time at all in getting a hold of the Flecks, maybe because they’ve been keeping in contact with him through that car, and Amelia by association?
-Now, for the inside of the Tape Car.  Specifically...what the hell is this thing?
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That...looks a little like One.  And during that scene in which MT / Lake is wading down the canal towards the tape -watching room to get her number, the camera actually focuses on this thing for a few seconds -- not enough to really call attention to it, but enough that now that we’ve seen One himself if stands out on a rewatch.  So, what is it?  It looks kinda like it’s watching over the whole Tape Car, with its one eye light thing?
I’ve got two theories that kinda work together on this one, neither of which are very likely considering I’m probably just taking a small background detail way too seriously, but come on, I’m having fun:
-If the inside of the Tape Car is the only real part of the train, and even One(-One) himself is fake...then that’s the REAL One, overseeing the train’s core operations but not interacting directly -- that’s what all the other robots, including One-One, are for.
-I’ve always kinda had a feeling that there’s a Zero to go along with One -- come on, it’s an obvious joke, what with robots running on binary and passengers needing to get their numbers to 0 and whatnot.  So, for now, I’mma call that thing Zero.
-One last Amelia Takeover Theory.  We know, from the Tape Car, that One-One is pretty hands-off about a lot of the train’s operations, his lack of hands aside -- he doesn’t seem to actually visit the Tape Car until something goes wrong there, and grabs his attention -- like Lake smashing up a few Porters.  So...why were One and Amelia there in the past?  Sure, two passengers boarding at the same time and sharing a number is unusual, but One even says it himself, it’s no big deal, on the train anything can happen.  So, why WERE they there?  Maybe it’s because something happened with Amelia in that car...like her waking up before the number-engraving process was completely finished?  (And she smashed a Porter for good measure?)
-Things required to wake a passenger, according to One-One:  Robots, coding, and juice boxes.  (Things required to wake a passenger, according to Lake:  Flicking them on the forehead with metal fingers)  What if one of the actual purposes of the Stewards is to manipulate the pods and wake the passengers inside, and then slip out unnoticed so they can start their journey?
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roseyful · 3 years
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Mars Red: Edge of the Nightmare - Review
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Now, my Tumblr has been a bit quiet lately (been queuing a lot of things so then it wasn’t too quiet during my absence), but it has been for a good reason; last month I was approached [on my private twitter account] and asked if I would be able to playtest a game and write a review, and of course, being someone that enjoys games, especially those that follow an otome style, I had to say YES.
So its proud to say that after a while of playing the game, I finally get to write this review.
Now before I get into the game itself, I would like to take the moment to give appreciation to the team for being so helpful during my time of playtesting the game and before that, as not only would they let us know when there was an issue and the date had to be pushed back, they were so polite and helpful whenever I would run into a problem. That’s something you’d want to see in a gaming company and I’m so glad that my first experience with this company is one with positive results. I personally found no issues with the team themselves, and I do hope they keep this up after the release. Thank you favary for being so lovely and patient with me, and other beta testers.
Mars Red: Edge of The Nightmare was the game that they asked for me to play, however when I originally looked at their website, I couldn’t help but notice that the concept was originally one of a ‘Sound Theatre’, and while I couldn’t figure out what that was, I eventually was lead down a rabbit hole and ended up looking at the other things that Bun-O Fujisawa has worked in. Very interesting stuff, just like the game. However, it’s best to look at his other stuff in your own time.
Please note: I will be keeping this spoiler-free for the sake of letting people go in with no idea of what’s going on besides what I mention and on the website.
Story
The game is set in the early twentieth century in Japan, or better known as the Taisho, in which the website also says ‘[is] influenced by Romanticism’, in which vampires rule the night, as they could only feed off blood and those that stepped into the sun would surely die. Keen senses, incredible physical abilities, and yet they were still vulnerable. You see that very early on with the main character that we play as; Yutsufusa Yuki, a vampire whom became one against his will.
I will be honest, I did not like Yutsufusa when I first started playing, as I felt like he was a bit too willing to die, but that is something that you can overlook when you get further into the story. Yutsufusa is obviously one of the youngest in the group, due to the fact he wears the more ‘modern’ [at the time] clothing out of everyone, well, there is someone else who wears similar clothing but he’s human.
You control Yutsufusa throughout the game, influencing his voices and living his life through his eyes, him acting as the reader insert as you learn about the other characters and begin to grow a bond with them. While the story is a bit slow at first, it does start picking up around the middle-end of chapter 1 and the beginning of chapter 2 after you play the prologue, as you begin to assist “Code Zero” in their work to rid the world of vampires that wish to feast on humans..
Be mindful that there is an anime, however, Yutsufusa does not appear in it, as it focuses on the other main characters, so if you have watched the anime already be sure to remember that they’re either two separate timelines or different points in time. I do not want to confuse anyone with this.
The main cast is quite an interesting bunch, as it covers a wide range of personalities, and sometimes even time periods as you play through the game and unlock things; you might say you might learn a bit of history from it if you end up looking up some of the references I’ve found in the game. This is a great reflection on the idea of ‘immortality, and even has moments where said immortality leans into a few jokes (such as knowledge of birds).
If you’ve played games such as ‘Ikemen Revolution’, you may be familiar with the ticket system. Every day you’re allowed a certain amount of tickets to progress through the story, however, if you run out of tickets and you must read more, then you’re able to progress the story via using ‘amber’, the game’s currency that you can use for different functions. However, this is not needed, as every day your tickets will be replenished. I personally found myself not even needing to use my amber, as I would always wait for the next day. There are mini-stories that you can get if you finish a chapter within a certain amount of time, but I personally don’t find them to progress the story a lot after I read the first one I got. Then again I had other things to occupy my time while I wanted as well. If you wish to reread chapters, you get a bonus third option of currency; coins. Coins can be used to reread chapters in the place of amber or tickets, which means that you can grind out coins via the exploration option in order to see more options (looked at a bit later).
I personally found the story to be engaging, between the use of minigames (or investigations, covered a bit later), it broke up the reading with fun activities that progressed the story.
Is the game an Otome?
No! I was shocked as well when I saw the all-male cast since I was wondering if I was playing a boys love game, but in the end, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that this is actually a detective game. While it may carry the usual look of an otome, with the story and choices of how you speak influencing the endings of chapters, the game more feels like one of finding new friends and solving kick-ass investigations than finding romance. It’s refreshing.
This is especially true between the minigames in which helps influence the story that is all very unique in their own way and do not seem repetitive once you get into the flow of how they work.
Minigames
The minigames come forward in two forms; investigation, interrogation, and infer. Investigation sounds exactly how you’d expect, as you have to poke around and look at things, which you can review in a little notebook that sits in the top right of your screen in the case you need to review what you’ve looked at. When I was first launched into this section for the first time, I had a little trouble remembering exactly what I needed to look at (as I was given a set of things to tap), however, I do have to thank the team for thinking ahead and adding the option to be able to watch ads in order to see what you need to do. This was one of the two times I’d have to watch ads, as they don’t shove them in your face every few seconds like most mobile games do which is rather nice. Sometimes you gain information or items that you have to use later, so it’s a good idea to keep track of what you look at.
Interrogation acts as a question-based information gathering, in which you talk to NPCs in order to gather information to use in the investigation. Like Investigation, these points are put into your notebook for later.
Infer takes the first two investigation segments and combines the information, as you now get interrogated by one of the main characters, and you must respond back with the proper information in order to make sure that this segment is successful. You are able to read back on the notes from the other segments at this point by pressing the button with the book icon in the upper right corner, as this aids you in selecting the right answers. When I first came to this section, I did feel under pressure due to it, but it was interesting to see the negative answers from the character if I got it wrong.
Exploration is another part of the game, that while outside the story, there are parts that require a certain amount of story points in order to clear ‘point blocks’. This is where you get the coins from and frankly is good to use once you have finished using all your tickets for the day and want to use the rest of the time to grind coins. During the exploration, you set up 2 characters, a place, and a set [in real life] time of how long you want them to be out and about. Depending on the number of points earned, you may earn something called a ‘mummer’, which reveals more about the characters you chose to send out, and even get dialogue of the characters interactions (which can be pretty funny in itself) that shows the dynamic of the two characters- are they friends? Are things tense? You get to learn more by sending them out together.
Artstyle
As an artist, I was incredibly pleased with the art of the game, as the characters do not look the game, there are different body types and ages (from teen to elder), you never had to look at the same face twice for two characters. I will be honest, I do wish the characters were a bit more ‘animated’ with their expressions (such as body movement when they’re feeling certain emotions), however other than that, the sprites are magnificent.
The backgrounds are also really interesting to look at and even tell so much story before you even start investigating within the investigation sections. The design team also needs props, because while a few characters are wearing similar outfits, they’re all wearing them in different ways which shows their character and even the way they probably fight. Though I will say I am a bit biased towards Takeuchi, then again, I really enjoy fun and loud characters in general, and his hair is interesting in a sea of mostly black, purple, silver or blonde hair. Maybe will make a fanart of him in the future if I learn to draw his eyepiece. (on that note, please release the full sprites for us artists to reference, we’d love you eternally for it haha).
Oh no, it’s a-
Yes, its a bit of a gacha game, however, you do not need to actually play the gachas in order to progress through the game; it mostly just unlocks bits of story for those that want to have extra stories, or just want that extra dose of dopamine (haha, me). As someone who plays gacha games ever since they turned 13, I was glad that this game isn’t actually gacha centric, and thus is very free-to-play friendly due to this.
Who would I recommend this for and would I recommend it myself?
Personally, I think this is a game that suits the niche of those that enjoy a good mystery and even play those ‘find an item’ games, mixed in with those that enjoy reading otomes and history. Maybe even someone that enjoys theatre since there’s a character that does theatre. Would I personally recommend it? Yes, I would. The game is very interesting and engaging, the staff behind the game are so lovely.
Once more, here’s the game’s website link ❤️: https://marsred-game.net/en/
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artificialqueens · 4 years
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Come Home to My Heart, Chapter 3 (Lemyanka) - Plastiquedoll
read on ao3 ✨| chapter 1 2
A/N: hi! I hope you like this new chapter as it goes deeper on the feels™️ I really wanted to give the characters more background (and a little bit of angst whoops) and finally, there are new names dropping yay! Again, there’s a time skip of two years this time. Enjoy & thanks for reading <3
-3-
When Priyanka turned fifteen, she discovered new things she loved. She loved dying the tips of her hair with bright colors every two weeks and a half, she loved skateboarding, she loved being the center of attention and a little bit of a class-clown at school, she loved hanging out with her group of friends, she loved the phone calls with Lemon to catch up and talk shit about everyone…
“Okay, can you hear me now?”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s better.”
Priyanka peeped through the hallway hoping no one would decide to interrupt them. She nervously removed the shiny red nail polish with her teeth as they tried to re-connect, if her mother saw her she would’ve scolded her on the spot. The landline phone was solid red plastic with buttons and wires, it was age-worn but at least it wasn’t like her grandparent’s phone with the rotary dial system or it would take hours to get all those area code numbers correct and get Lemon on the other side.
“Thank God. I’m literally inside the closet just like in The Parent Trap. I told my mom I was calling my grandma because last time our phone bill had several zeroes.”
Priyanka chortled and entangled the curly wire with his fingertips. “Sorry about that… so, you were saying… about the audition?”
“Oh, right! I’m trying to get into this dance academy that’s supposed to be the best of the best and the audition waiting list is a nightmare… but they called me the other day and said I’ll have shot in two weeks.”
“Oh. My. God. Lemon that’s awesome!”
“I know! I feel it, Pri. I know I can do it but… I don’t want to assume anything until I get there. I’m confident in my skills but what if they perceive that confidence as cockiness or something like that. I was talking to Jan the other day and she said-”
“Wait, who’s Jan?” Priyanka frowned before the unfamiliar name.
“Jan. Jan! My friend Jan? We have Biology and Math together, remember?”
“I don’t think I’ve heard her name before.”
“I’m sure I have mentioned her… anyway. Jan is madly talented –like, she can sing- and she auditioned for music school like a year ago and told me that…”
Jan. She hadn’t mentioned a Jan before… it was weird for Priyanka that knew all Lemon’s New Yorker friends’ names and she was pretty sure Lemon remembered all her friends’ names as well.
“… anyway, I’ll keep my head high and hope for the best. I’m training extra hard these days to make it. My muscles are sore and I can’t feel my legs right now but hey, no pain no gain.”
“I’m sure you’ll do great.”
“Thank you.” She paused as if she wanted to say something else, Priyanka could hear her breathing, but then she continued chattering. “Also, my mom got promoted again and now she bought a computer I can e-mail you the day of the audition. But tell me, how are things over there? Did the girls work their differences yet?”
“You know Scarlett, she won’t shut up and-”
“Priyanka, it’s dinner time.” Her mother announced from the kitchen.
She sighed. “Shit. I have to go or my mom is going to cut the phone wires. She says this time is for real.”
“Oh, okay… I’ll call you soon then.”
“Yes, please call me right after the audition or before if you wanna talk… you know. Break a leg or whatever… make sure is figuratively speaking, please.”
She heard Lemon’s giggle on the other line and something inside her went softer.
“I will… and I will be there for Christmas this year, I made my mom promise it.”
“Fingers crossed.” She said before hanging up.
When she looked at herself in the mirror she had a silly grin on her face that couldn’t be erased.
Lemon hadn’t been back in a long year and a half. After spending the first holidays after her parents’ divorce with her dad in Canada, she had to spend the next one with her mom in the Big Apple. Plus, her father got to travel to New York quite often those days and got to see her a lot. She sometimes sent things for Priyanka with him, a nice hoodie, a makeup bag, one of those stupid tourist t-shirts with the Statue of Liberty printed on it, sometimes a pair of dangling earrings or a simple letter and a picture of her. She treasured each of those little trinkets.
Priyanka was saving money from her allowance and was hoping to get a job soon so she could buy a car someday and visit her friend in the big city, they might even go on a road trip over the summer, it was a nice thought to hold onto until they could hang out again.
On the day of Lemon’s audition, Priyanka was restless. She got kicked out of one of her classes because she kept fidgeting, twitching, moving around, and chewing gum. It drove her teachers insane. Scarlett and Kiara mocked her from the window of the classroom and then got a warning as well.
Later that day she cleaned all her room to avoid thinking. She found several pictures of her and Lemon over the years –including that one time they tried Lemon’s mom makeup for the first time, Lemon was missing her two front teeth-, there were some photos from their first days of school and even Lemon at Priyanka’s plays. She was so pissed when she got that old lady role instead of the main character but she had managed to steal the scene anyway.
As the sun was setting, she didn’t know what else to do. She did the dishes without offering resistance and then got into an argument with her little sister who wanted to watch Hannah Montana while Priyanka just wanted to watch the new episode of America’s Next Top Model. She had to admit it though, the intro of Hannah Montana was kind of catchy (something she would never admit to her sister).
It was almost quarter to nine and she still didn’t have any news. There was a two-hour time difference with New York but still… it was gnawing her from the inside.
Right when Tyra was about to reveal which model got to stay for another week, the phone rang in the hallway and she couldn’t jump out of the couch fast enough.
«You have a phone call from-» Press one to accept, yeah, yeah, she knew that.
“Lemon?” She didn’t even wait for a «hello».
“Pri? Is it you?”
The sound of her voice brought her back to life, she could hear the sound of her heart beating again.
“Yes, it’s me! How did it go?”
“Oh my God, Pri… I’m calling you from a payphone in the middle of Times Square, this is insane. The girls lend me some cash to call you.” Priyanka could hear the sound of the traffic and even some giggles coming from outside of the phone.
“And? You’re killing me here, Lemz.” She had her fingers crossed even when she couldn’t see that gesture through the call and was holding the phone against her ear with her shoulder.
“It was so difficult I thought I was never going to learn the steps I’m literally so exhausted right now but…”
But.
“I got it, I got the spot!”
Priyanka started screaming.
“Priyanka!” Her mother shouted.
“Sorry…sorry!” She covered her mouth with her hand.
Lemon was cackling.
“Lemz, I might get in so much trouble for this but… Congratulations, I’m so happy for you!”
“Thank you.” She sounded truly happy, Priyanka wished she could see her right at that moment. “Jan, can you give me another quarter? Thanks, doll.”
That girl Jan again.
“So what are you girls are up to?”
“We’re going to get some pizza to celebrate. Jan is here as you heard, so are Goona, Rosé, Jackie… They say hi.”
“Tell them I said hi too.”
“She says hi… No, I’m not telling that, shut up…”
“What is it?”
“They are being assholes as usual… Listen, I have to go, I’m running out of coins and I still have to call my mom.”
“Okay, we’ll talk soon… I’m so happy for you… Love you.”
“Love you too! See you in a few weeks.”
“Yeah. I can’t wait.”
“Bye, Pri.”
She hung up but stood next to the phone for a moment, staring at it.
Just a few more weeks.
Priyanka kept begging her older brother to teach her how to drive. It took a few weeks of insistence until he gave up and the lessons started. They only stopped when the snow got too thick and the roads too slippery to practice. Still, by that time Priyanka was almost an expert. She needed to perfect her parking skills before turning sixteen and that would be it.
She also needed a car but that was the least important part.
“So when’s your girlfriend coming to town?” Scarlett asked.
Priyanka choked on her hot chocolate and coughed a couple of times. “Lemon’s not my girlfriend.”
Kiara rolled her eyes.
“Ah, yes, I can’t wait to finally meet her!” Juice –the latest addition to their group- said.
They were at the coffee shop, outside was freezing cold and the smell of fresh-baked pastries had dragged them inside the warm environment. Scarlett was having a black coffee while Priyanka and Kiara had their respective hot chocolate with marshmallows and Juice ordered a cappuccino with whipped cream and sprinkles on top.
“So?” Scarlett arched a brow.
“Her flight is booked for next week if the snowstorms allow them to fly.”
“I remember you two from primary school; they were joined by the hip, even before you shared diapers or something.” Kiara mocked.
“Oh, that’s right. You were in her classroom in kindergarten back when Ilona prevented everyone from playing with her.”
“That’s because Lemon spilled some paint over Ilona’s drawing… it was kids’ things. We all forgot when some random kid wet his pants or whatever.”
“And when did the crush began?”
Priyanka shot daggers at Scarlett with her eyes.
“I don’t have a crush on her. She’s literally my best friend, you guys are delusional.”
“Sure…” Kiara stirred her chocolate. “But it’s been what? Almost two years since she graced us with her presence?”
“Yeah, her parents didn’t want her to travel alone last time so her father flew to New York.”
“All jokes aside,” Scarlett changed her irksome ‘let’s pick on Priyanka’ tone for a minute. “Are you going to tell her about…?”
At the age of fifteen, Priyanka discovered she didn’t like kissing boys.
It had been at a lame party in a basement, her classmates had invited her and one of them suggested they should play seven minutes in heaven. Priyanka was about to skip it and refill her paper cup with cheap vodka and orange juice when she got dragged by the wrist and pushed into the closet with a guy from the hockey team. She suspected he had a crush on her for the longest time and this was instigated by his friends but the moment the door was locked, she panicked.
Her friends tried to get her out of there but there were a few underdeveloped brains and much muscle blocking the door. So she guessed she was doing it. The guy wasn’t that bad –she liked to believe- he told her they didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to and he was what most girls of the classroom referred to as «handsome». Priyanka shouted she was okay to calm down her friends and figured the best she could do was getting over it once and for all.
It was her first kiss.
The guy had rough lips and a slippery tongue and it was in the middle of all that smooching when his hand went under her lower back that she knew, she wasn’t enjoying it at all. She pushed the guy aside and used the back of her hand to clean her lips, she’d need some mouthwash as well. He asked if everything was okay but she was too condescending and told him that she was feeling dizzy.
The door was unlocked when he asked his friends to do it. Priyanka walked back –ashamed-to her group of friends as Kiara told them they were all disgusting and how stupid the game was. Priyanka called her brother from a phone upstairs and left soon after. For the first time, she was quiet on the way back home.
Later that night when she was laying on her bed in the darkness, she couldn’t stop thinking about it, thinking about how she was supposed to feel kissing that guy -any guy- or thinking about the fact that she wasn’t even remotely attracted to boys but mostly, thinking how she so wished that guy was someone else, how she wished that guy was a girl.
The following week at school the not-so-nice-guy had told everyone that Priyanka was basically a slut and if it wasn’t because she was so wasted, they could’ve gone to third base in that closet that very night. Priyanka wasn’t ashamed anymore, she was angry. Very angry. During lunch, she walked directly towards him and exposed him in front of everyone, not only denying the absurdity of those rumors but also stating that she would never even consider touching his small dick.
After that, Priyanka was done with guys, boys, and men in general.
She had a heart-to-heart conversation with her friends afterward but –to no one’s surprise- she ended up with the least heterosexual and most supportive group of friends in the world.
Still… she hadn’t been able to tell Lemon yet. She had tried but there was something about phone calls that didn’t help at all, she wanted to tell her in person, she wanted to see her face and know that everything was okay. And she planned to do it during her visit.
“I’ll try.” Priyanka stated, hoping the universe cooperated with her.
“Good. So you can make out under the mistletoe next.” There she was again.
“Okay, you two,” She pointed at Scarlett and Kiara. “you have to stop it or I’m going to do you guys dirty and you know I can.”
They started laughing, clearly taking Priyanka’s threaten lightly.
“That’s it! You,” She directed toward Kiara. “I have seen you drooling over Kyne the entire semester.”
Kiara went pale.
“And you two…” She turned back to Scarlett and Juice that were cackling sitting on the couch. “Yes, I’m talking to you, do you really believe I haven’t seen the way you look at each other, those stolen glances, the subtle touches? Please, is this a Jane Austen novel or what? You ain’t that smooth.”
“Hey! I didn’t say anything!” Juice protested.
Scarlett’s mouth turned into a thin line and her ears were suddenly pink colored. She murmured something Priyanka couldn’t catch but rhymed with «witch».
“Sorry girl, I warned you heads would roll and I’m not leaving any survivors if that’s what it takes.”
Scarlett put her hands up as a sign of surrender. “I respect it, you’re a bitch but I respect it.”
So that was the word she used.
Lemon would arrive at any minute now.
Her father was picking her up from the airport, they would have lunch at some fancy restaurant in the city center and then he’d drop Lemon at Priyanka’s house until sunset –that was when she had to leave again to have dinner with her relatives.
Priyanka kept moving her right leg, restless while sitting on the couch, eyes nailed on the window.
“Priyanka, take the trash out, it’s your turn.” Her mother told her casually as she directed upstairs.
“Mom!” She complained. “I’m doing important things.”
“You’re sitting on the couch.”
“My point exactly.”
Her mom gave her the glare. “Trash. Out. Now.”
She grumbled but did as asked.
Priyanka put on an extra thick coat over her jeans and knitted orange sweater, adjusted her wool socks and boots, and adventured to the exterior world of the Canadian winter wonderland. She only had to walk a few steps but she could feel her body freezing with the icy breeze. The snow was blinding white and she could hear the whistle of the wind blowing and the sound of her own teeth chattering.
She didn’t even hear the sound of the car stopping right at the entrance of her house nor the door closing or the steps.
She barely had time to turn around when an identified running person hit her like an asteroid. Lemon was small but she still got the strength to tackle Priyanka down with a hug. She didn’t even notice whether the snow was cold or not.
“Hey!” She was still down on the ground and needed to turn around once Lemon moved. “You’re here…”
The vision was dazzling. Lemon’s face, her eyes, her smile from ear to ear with full teeth showing, her blonde hair falling like a cascade over her rosy cheeks. It was as if she had been taken from an Andersen fairytale or a Tchaikovsky composition, ice queens and fairies fluttered around Priyanka’s head.
“I’m here! Can you believe it?”
She was still pretty much straddled on Priyanka, making the brunette blush and hoping she could blame it on the weather. Finally, Lemon got to stand up and helped her friend to get on her feet again.
Lemon was irretrievably tiny but there was something different about her since the last time they had seen each other. She looked less like the little girl Priyanka remembered and more like a teen pop star of the magazines they used to read with her slightly curled lighter hair, pink glossy lips, longer lashes… She was wearing a yellow sweater and a white puffy jacket with matching fake fur around the neck, corduroy pants, and cream boots. Even her glasses were stylish now.
“Wait, are you taller?” She observed.
“No, you just shrunk in the washing machine.”
Lemon elbowed her and then turned to wave at her dad that was still in the car.
“He told me he saw you in the supermarket the other day and asked what does your mom feed you with so I could get some too.”
Priyanka laughed at loud. “He got you there.”
“Ha. Ha.”
“But enough with my height, let’s go inside, I think I got snow on my socks and I don’t want to catch a cold or wait until another short person attacks me.”
“Hey, you said enough with the height.”
“No, no. I clearly said mine, not yours.”
Lemon rolled her eyes and there it was the old Lemon she knew so well, the exact dose just a little less sugary and a bit sour.
They went to Priyanka’s room, she shared it with her middle sister but she was currently busy practicing at music school with her cello for her end of the year concert, there were a few trophies, certificates, and distinctions on her side of the room meanwhile Priyanka’s was a collage of pictures with the girls, an album cover Avril Lavigne, one large poster she got from the local cinema when Spice World was brought back for a special feature and she forced her friends to watch it for the millionth time, some random doodles she did in class and of course, photos and postcards Lemon had sent to her.
The blonde smiled when she spotted a picture of them from their first day of primary school, their backpacks were bigger than them.
They removed the heavy coats, Priyanka changed her wet socks for new ones and a pair of slippers. Lemon was prying into the mess that was her desk, her fingers roaming through her school books, comic books, magazines, and scattered papers as if she tried to figure out if she still knew the owner of that space in the way she used to.
They sat on Priyanka’s bed on the nothing-like-Priyanka flowery blanket one of her aunts got her for a birthday. Priyanka’s mom dropped by to say hi and left a tray with two smoky cups of tea.
“I love your mom, she read my mind.” Lemon said, wrapping her hands around the warm porcelain.
“She’s being nice only because you’re around.” Priyanka took a sip of her tea. “I wonder if it’s a good time to tell her that I broke one of her flowerpots when I was practicing with the skateboard.”
“You’re the worst.” Lemon giggled.
“Certified. Three years in a row.”
The blonde shook her head. “Does she still make that incredible curry with potatoes?”
“Yeah, once in a while.”
“Oh my God… I tell you I’ve dreamt about it. You know I love Christina to dead but she can’t cook at all.”
Lemon, at some point after the divorce, had stopped addressing her mother as “mom” and now she called her by her first name.
“Do you remember she always made dinner with dry spaghetti and can sauce?”
“You laugh all you want but that’s my comfort food till this day.” Priyanka defended her.
“She doesn’t even cook it anymore, now we buy it all pre-cooked or already cooked. She might even forget how to boil water. Anyway, we’ve tried a thousand restaurants but I swear to you, Pri, no one can cook like your mom.”
“Well, I’m glad you’ve missed one of us.”
Lemon threw a pillow at her face.
“Of course I’ve missed you, dumbass.”
They did each other’s nails, Priyanka ended up with a light blue shade Lemon had brought for her and it was allegedly the same color as Tiffany’s, and the blonde insisted she had to draw a white ribbon to make it look like the jewel’s teeny tiny boxes.
From there, Priyanka could see everything. Lemon frowning, concentrated on her task, the way she batted her lashes, her pretty eyes, the little freckles she had over her nose, the shape of her cupid bow turned into an unintentional pout… her lips.
Priyanka gulped and then Lemon caught her staring.
“What is it?” She looked for some hint in Priyanka’s face. “Do I have something on my face?”
“No… I’m just making sure you don’t fuck up the design.”
Lemon rolled her eyes. “Don’t be silly. I’m almost done.”
While Priyanka’s nails got dried, they talked about school, classes they liked and disliked, teachers that they loathed or loved, then about their plans after turning sixteen, Priyanka told her about the driving lessons and Lemon told her she wanted to dress up as Cher Horowitz –of course- for her birthday and by the time Priyanka started with Lemon’s nails, she was reviving her dance audition.
“I tell you, Pri, there was a moment I doubt I’d got in. It was a flash but I felt it in my stomach I thought I was going to puke and mess everything up.”
“Hey, but you didn’t. I’m sure you nailed it.”
The blonde sighed. “Still, New York is like… everything’s so fast and everyone’s competitive to the point where you can’t get distracted or someone else will go after what you have. It’s nice to be here for a change, this is the only place I can really relax. It sucks that I can only stay for a week and five of those seven days I have to visit my dad’s relatives out of town.” She met Priyanka’s eyes. “I wish I could get to spend more time with you, you know?”
Priyanka’s heart skipped a beat. At that moment what she suspected but didn’t dare to say at loud became a reality, all those corny songs from the 90’s suddenly made sense, all the movies Hollywood had sold labeled as «romance» acquired a new meaning and she finally understood what «to have butterflies in one’s stomach» really felt like.
She liked Lemon. She liked her best friend…. And she liked her a lot.
That was the reason she hadn’t been able to tell her about what happened earlier that year at the party because it wasn’t just that she wanted to kiss a girl instead of a guy, she wanted to kiss one particular girl and she was right in front of her at that very moment.
They never warned her about it, they never told her that she would live normally until the day she’d realize she could harbor such feeling inside, that one day she’d just… know.
She almost dropped the nail polish bottle over the blanket.
“Oh, careful.” Lemon grabbed it just in time. She looked at her friend with concern in her eyes. “Pri, are you okay? You look… pale.”
“What? Ah, yeah… it’s nothing. I’m recovering from a cold I caught, that’s it…” She shook her head and took a breath of air. “I’m sorry, you were saying…”
“About the dance academy,” Lemon resumed her story. “the girls think I can make it through the next three years, and then I can major in dancing, I might even get a scholarship if I do outstandingly well.”
There was something, a little detail there that wasn’t… right.
“I hope you can visit me soon, you gotta meet the girls; you’re going to love them. Rosé and Jan are also Geminis, I guess that’s why I get along with them so well. Luckily, Jan would be my roommate if she gets her scholarship as well and…”
“Roommate?” Priyanka asked.
“Yeah… for college? We’re thinking about moving in together because rents are expensive even for the smallest studio apartment advertised. It’s a nightmare.”
“But wait… what happened with the plan? Our plan?”
Lemon opened her mouth to reply and then shut it.
“You forgot about it…”
“No! You know I didn’t… but… my options are wider now, I have to think forward and… did you seriously think-?”
“Yes. I did.” Priyanka didn’t even let her finish speaking.
Her soul had been just crushed.
“Pri, that’s not what I mean. We made that promise when we were ten, things have… changed since then.”
“Maybe they have changed for you but I’m still stuck here, I’m still counting on our plans… our promises. I’m still counting on you. The only thing that has changed is you and your pompous New Yorker glamorous lifestyle.”
“Oh, so it was so easy for me, right? It’s not like I had to attend a school where I didn’t know anyone, being the new girl and sitting alone during lunchtime for months while going through my parents’ divorce… I hated it the first months, Priyanka, I really did and I swear that talking to you on the phone and dancing were the only things that kept me alive…” Her voice cracked. “It wasn’t until I met my friends that I felt like I could do it… that it wasn’t completely waste of time and that I wasn’t a totally useless person.”
“Lemon… you never said-”
There was a single sparkly tear falling down her cheek.
“Well, I hope you’re happy now. There you have it, my life isn’t a glamorous as you thought, is it?”
“It’s because that’s what you’ve told me! Maybe if you didn’t sugarcoat things I could’ve helped you…”
“And do what? And then what? You’d get tired of me with all those problems and we’d eventually drift apart. I’d become a burden for you.”
“What? Where did you get that from? Let me be your friend, that’s what friends do… they help each other during the rough times too, they tell each other things.”
“Oh, and you surely have told me everything that’s being going on here.”
Priyanka remained silent.
“I still talk with some people from school here and there… why didn’t you tell me about what happened at that party?”
“Lemon, that’s completely different…”
“Is it? Because from my perspective, it looks like we’re hiding things from each other now.”
“And breaking promises as well for what it seems.”
Lemon looked at her, she seemed hurt and it broke Priyanka’s heart to see her like that.
She wanted to reach her and hold her hand, hug her and tell her that everything was alright but at the same time, she was angry. She couldn’t have it both ways. It wasn’t fair.
Priyanka’s mother called them from downstairs; Lemon’s father was there to pick her up.
“I better go.” She grabbed her coat. “I’ll be back in five days if you want… whatever.”
She was gone before Priyanka could say something and frankly, she felt that if she opened her mouth it was going to get worse. It wasn’t until the girl left the house and she heard the car getting lost in the distance that she collapsed on her bed and started crying on the closest pillow she had.
Five days after, it was a New Year already but little had changed since they last met.
Lemon visited Priyanka’s house only to discover she wasn’t there.
“Could you please tell her I came to say goodbye?” She bit her inner cheek to contain a sob.
She had a flight to take back to New York.
Priyanka had taken the family’s car without permission and she had driven for a few hours, making sure there was no chance of their paths crossing. It was petty; she knew she was being childish avoiding her rather than talk things through and she was going to regret it and hate herself later, damn, she was going to get grounded for months but who cared? At that moment, the only thing that was on her mind was that she couldn’t see Lemon.
Not like that.
She did her wrong but she was partly right. Priyanka wasn’t being honest with her and she couldn’t tell her all the truth to restore their friendship.
She couldn’t tell her that she was gay and that she was in love with her because it would change it all.
It would destroy their friendship entirely.
Lemon would never reciprocate those stupid feelings of her.
Maybe if she put enough distance between them, those feelings would simply fade, go away, and right now, New York sounded distant enough.
If it was on her to do the hardest part for the sake of all the years they’ve been together, then she was going to do whatever it’d take.
Tears scorched her eyes.
At the age of fifteen, Priyanka loved her best friend Lemon but she also hated her.
6 notes · View notes
1zashreena1 · 4 years
Text
Quarantine- New Ranch Flavor! -5
18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]
Summary: Princess is stranded in NYC with her Murder Panther for the duration of the quarantine. As a high risk patient she has no choice but to isolate as much as possible. Simulated domesticity ensues. Princess texts a running commentary to her bff Lisa.
WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???
No actual smut, nasty ass snack foods, plus size insecurity, unprotected sex, feels are icky, plus size woman+fit man, bad boys with too much money and not enough impulse control, secondary OCs, excessive swearing (???), illegal business dealings… I mean, its DIEGO
A/N: Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!
I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.
TAGLIST: @chelsfic​ @symbiont13​ @nicke0115​ @bunnykjm​ @rosee-sensuelle​ @girlpornparadise​ @mandoplease​ @heresathreebee​ @xxsteph-enrixx​ @jetiikad​ @joalsglasses​ @mutantcookiesecrets​ @demoncatstone​ @squidlywiddly87​
Please let me know if you would like to be tagged.
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~~~
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Thursday 11:22am
From Princess
Day 1 and I literally have an ice pack on my pussy and
Hold on he’s not wearing pants again gtg
~~~
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Friday 9:49am
From Princess
Video chatting with sister when Diego walks past in the background… shirtless.
She put her phone down (my entire screen was just ceiling) and I could hear her crying. Hung up after 10 min
~~~
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Friday 10:14pm
From Princess
He sucks ass at Jenga and its adorable
~~~
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Saturday 11:49am
From Princess
I was provided a to-do list for the day.
It's just his name
~~~
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Sunday 1:32pm
From Princess
We have sorted every liquid in the penthouse into 2 categories:
Potential Lube
Definitely Not Lube
Except we’re arguing about ranch dressing
~~~
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Sunday 2:17pm
From Princess
Update: Ranch went into the Not Lube category because it “smells nasty when it gets warm” This fact was previously unknown to me and I was afraid to ask for more details
~~~
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Monday 8:40am
From Princess
Morning announcements include the fact that 8:37 is the earliest he has ever gotten up
I’m worried about losing my job. Diego advises me to apply to Dyson because I “never lose suction”
Am I offended or proud of myself?  It’s not even 9am
~~~
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Tuesday 1:12am
From Princess
This is the most weed I have ever consumed in my life (I know, not a high bar) Why is he hanging upside down off the couch making motorboat noises??
~~~
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Tuesday 1:14am
From Princess
Ahh. He was composing a poem about my tits
~~~
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Tuesday 2:49am
From Princess
The railing up the stairs to the bedroom does not in fact support my weight. Pole dance competition is OFF
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Tuesday 2:57am
From Princess
You know that thing you do with my bras? Where you put it on like a headband and it makes mickey mouse ears?
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Wednesday 11:17am
From Princess
Julio required to give 10 min warning prior to arrival so Diego can take off his pants
Yes you read that right
Freak
~~~
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Wednesday 11:19am
From Princess
Yes you do so know who Julio is. Big, round, only wears ivory/eggshell/off white/ThisIsMy 2ndWedding  colored blazers. Jeez Lisa you're not old enough for dementia yet girl
~~~
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Wednesday 12:52pm
From Princess
I have played myself. Just ate an entire cheesesteak while being a cockwarmer
Turns out I’m the freak
Julio present and accounted for
~~~
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Thursday 9:37am
From Princess
He’s crunching  a bowl of something via spoon. I ask what it is. Crushed cheez-its and mayonnaise. What in the actual fuck this man is a literal monster
~~~
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Thursday 12:10pm
From Princess
Edible body paint works on windows. Had to sit on his shoulders but this is the largest ‘FUCK’ I have ever written. Very proud
~~~
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Thursday 12:22pm
From Princess
Bottom half of the ‘C’ has transferred onto my ass. But 7 orgasms. Pick your battles
~~~
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Thursday 11:47pm
From Princess
Tried a pickled habanero. He’s still face down in the rug crying with laughter. It’s been 10 min dude come on
~~~
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Friday 10:12am
From Princess
Me: Why are you so heavy?
Diego: I keep eating you
Me: High five
~~~
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Friday 3:17pm
From Princess
He’s trying to “conduct business” via 3 cellphones. Would offer my tablet but I’m too pretty for prison. Gonna take a nap
~~~
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Friday 4:41pm
From Princess
Pants are forbidden in the bedroom. We’re just making the rules up as we go I see
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Saturday 9:59am
From Princess
He’s sitting in the corner of the window walls staring dejectedly outside. I hear the tiniest forlorn whisper “THOSE people are outside”
Too cute--must blow---BRB
~~~
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Saturday 1:32pm
From Princess
Angry texting. Muttering “No I can’t go outside and no you can’t come in here. Bitch…. No no, delete delete delete”
Me:  Where is your sister anyway? LA?
Him: Very Squinty Eyes
~~~
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Saturday 9:22pm
From Princess
My ass is stuck in the kitchen sink. While he was very helpful getting me in here he is of no assistance getting me out.
~~~
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Saturday 11:46pm
From Princess
Apparently ‘douchecanoe twatwaffle jerkface’ is the most hilarious insult he has ever heard. My brilliance is unparalleled
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Sunday 5:51am
From Princess
Me: Hey what’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?
Him outrageously offended: I’m not answering that!
Him:  ... you first
~~~
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Sunday 7:12pm
From Princess
Is it a legit massage if he has to pause in the middle to jack off?
~~~
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Monday 11:06am
From Princess
Ordered groceries via Amazon Prime drone delivery. Sitting on the rooftop patio wrapped up together in a ginormous blankie waiting.
Does this count as a date?
~~~
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Monday 1:13pm
From Princess
Drone arrived. I lost my shit. Coolest thing ever. He’s frantically ordering more stuff because I haven’t looked this ecstatic since the time he rubbed my feet then went down on me for 2 hrs
Hold up change of plans
~~~
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Monday 2:28pm
From Princess
stubble burn on bottom of feet :-/
~~~
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Monday 6:44pm
From Princess
We can both fit in the jacuzzi tub. Almost drowned when his phone rang and we both spazzed out
~~~
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Tuesday 10:10am
From Princess
Today’s formal edict: He will only be referring to himself in the 3rd person. I am required to do as told. Should not be this turned on
~~~
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Tuesday 11:58am
From Princess
Watching him try to answer calls like this is a level of hilarity I could not have predicted
~~~
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Tuesday 1:53pm
From Princess
He gave me a crash course in chem. Still don’t know anything but it was hot as hell
~~~
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Tuesday 2:57pm
From Princess
Despite all evidence to the contrary I’m a Good Girl. Did as I was told. Got rewarded. 13 times
~~~
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Tuesday 5:33pm
From Princess
Unlocked a tiny piece of tragic backstory*™: He’s never been to a zoo   :-(
~~~
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Wednesday 11:24am
From Princess
Julio and Bastian brought 4 pizzas. Currently eating them individually sitting in a giant square in the living room SOCIAL DISTANCING
Like he wasn’t inside me 10 min ago wtf
~~~
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Wednesday 11:25am
From Princess
Yes cute driver Bastian. Btw you are barking up the wrong tree girl. His favorite animal is bears lol
~~~
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Wednesday 12:39pm
From Princess
Garlic butter: lube or no? Round table discussion happening.
~~~
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Wednesday 1:19pm
From Princess
I won in favor of No
Me: slams hands down on table
Me: HAVE YOU EVER HAD A YEAST INFECTION???
All men present:   :-[
                             :-[
                             :-[
~~~
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Wednesday 1:32pm
From Princess
Diego: puts garlic butter cup in the empty box and slides the whole mess off table to the floor without breaking eye contact. My sugar daddy is truly a murder panther
~~~
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Wednesday 3:49pm
From Princess
Flipping channels (he only has 5000) when he comes downstairs from the bedroom wearing Ginormous Blankie as cape.
Him: Can we do the thing again?
Me: Gotta be way more specific babe
Him: Flaps blankie like wings and gives me puppy dog eyes
Him: You know. Thing. On the roof. ...please?
Did
Did he just ask me to cuddle???
~~~
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Wednesday 5:58pm
From Princess
Can confirm roof cuddles.  He fell asleep with his face mashed into my neck-shoulder after watching sunset. Every time I move he whimpers and squeezes tighter. I don't know what is happening but it kinda hurts in my chest
~~~
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Wednesday 9:12pm
From Princess
Me: You know those girls you send away when I come up? There's one that sorta begrudgingly likes me?
Him, stuffing a 2nd Oreo into his mouth(there's already a whole 1 in there)
Him: Frahnthessga?
Me: Yeah! Can I fuck her?
….I should worry about my job again pretty sure Murder Panther Sugar Daddy is dead
~~~
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Wednesday 10:48pm
From Princess
We splintered the plexiglass-divider-shower-wall thingy. His solution was to just hold all 215lbs of me up in the air and finish. I have no words
~~~
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Thursday 4:12am
From Princess
I can hear him on the phone downstairs listing names. I don't know these people. I'm going in the bathroom to run water so I can't hear anything else
~~~
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Thursday 9:02am
From Princess
I slept thru a breakfast meeting. There's a laptop  and a box of 1 doz Boston cream donuts labeled PRINCESS on the bar counter. He's watching news with Julio + Bastian on the couch. Odd but ok I got fave donuts so whatevs
~~~
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Thursday 9:17am
From Princess
On 3rd donut when I catch him staring. Can only see from eyes up bc he's peering at me over back of the couch. Have inadvertently activated Horny Murder Panther mode via accidental slutty licking of cream filling. 
~~~
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Thursday 11:40am
From Princess
Me: I don't like avocado
Diego: bitch what the fuck 
~~~
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Thursday 12:10pm
From Princess
He asked what the deal was with white people and meatloaf. I requested clarification on food or music. He's confused it's fucking adorable
BUT NOW I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE ENTIRE GENRE OF CLASSIC ROCK
~~~
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Thursday 2:14pm
From Princess
I'm making a meatloaf for dinner. Also brownies. TV is still on???
~~~
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Thursday 4:24pm
From Princess
Found a big round can of guava paste in the back of the fridge. He's spoon feeding it to me while watching me make meatloaf
Diego: I did not realize you were so… domesticated
Me, no brain to mouth filter: Yeah well gettin dicked down 3x a day will do that to a girl
Please send hitman asap 
~~~
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Thursday 5:10pm
From Princess
He just turned TV off. Local news was listing all major crimes in NYC today. Last story was 6 bodies found inside meat plant freezer, execution style kills with "on-site" equipment. When I whisper Dafuq??  he distractedly mutters 'captive bolt pistol'  
He's texting again
~~~
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Thursday 5:39pm
From Princess
I kinda wanna come home now
~~~
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Thursday 7:48pm
From Princess
I have converted another person to meatloaf lover (food not music)
On 3rd brownie when he declares: I am never letting you leave again. Mine now
Look up from rolling my eyes to receive Super Intense I Can See Into Your Soul Diego Stare
~~~
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Thursday 9:50pm
From Princess
He's looking for a scary movie via voice command on remote. Other hand is on my foot. I can't even see my foot. What is the actual purpose of hands that big?? What is the evolutionary goal to this endgame? ?? Why am I wet just thinking about a    h a n d    ?????
~~~
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Friday 12:34am
From Princess
Con: This asshole is delighted to learn that I don't like scary movies
Pro: Hiding my face in his chest means I fucking feel the rumble when he laughs at me. I think I'm developing a heart condition. Hurts again.
~~~
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Friday 1:40am
From Princess
He's rubbing his face all over my stomach. I don't like this. Sir why. Please it's literally the least attractive part of me
~~~
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Friday 2:11am
From Princess
He likes it…? I don't see. How does. But it's.
No
~~~
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Friday 3:47am
From Princess
He's asleep on my stomach after spending 40 min declaring his love for belly
I'm crying and I can't stop. My whole chest hurts. What is this. Is this the most long game prank ever. There's no way he's for real. I'm afraid. Do you think I should try to escape?? Please you know I'm not easily frightened but I just. Please text back I need my BFF
~~~
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Friday 7:18am
From Princess
Woke up in bed alone and naked. Gonna grab a shirt and handle this. I can't just ignore it. This is probably a bad idea but I can't just let it go. If you don't hear back from me by noon call my parents. I love you
~~~
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Friday 11:38am
From Princess
Halfway down the stairs 3 dudes I don't know come out of the office, Diego and Julio follow. They take 1 look at me and launch into laughter and some rude fucking spanish. I'm rusty but I know fucking "fat bitch" tyvm. Diego picks this mf up by the throat and throws him into the elevator. Drags the other 2 in and... no one has come back since
Been locked in the bathroom. I'm afraid to hear anything
~~~
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Friday 1:48pm
From Princess
Relocated to closet earlier. Reading. I'm 2 chapters in and I don't even remember the title. Gonna take an ativan. Hands are shaking
~~~
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Friday 2:27pm
From Princess
You know what? I don't even care. Like as long as it's never directed at me I just don't care.
It's too late I'm in too deep. I don't know if I can even come home after this. I'm not who everyone thinks I am. I don't know who I am. I'm turning the phone off now I'm sorry but I just need everything to stop for a while
~~~
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Friday 7:48pm
From Princess
I'm ok, sorry for the dramatics. Woke up still in the closet corner but under Ginormous Blankie and can hear shower running. Decide it's time to put my big girl panties on and march in there. No I did not learn from the last time. Standby
~~~
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Friday 9:22pm
From Princess
We're good.
~~~
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Friday 11:49pm
From Princess
Ok. Marched into bathroom, launched into speech: I'm sorry but I did not know anyone was here. You have to leave me a note or something. Please tell me I did not ruin anything
Him, still in shower: Get your ass in here.
It was a literal growl
~~~
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Friday 11:50pm
From Princess
Apparently that guy had been fucking up small time and Diego was waiting for him to fuck up big time. I will never see all 3 of them again (No do not ask)Yes it was frustrating but not mad at me. Ok a little because his sister hired that guy and now he has to explain the dude's ...disappearance. Without mentioning me. No one can know about me I am a "liability"
Um ouch..? I think?? Chest pain again
~~~
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Friday 11:51pm
From Princess
He's been asleep, I'm just staring at the ceiling. Demanded I let him prove that he would never put hands on me that I don't want. I thought he was gonna cry. I did start crying but said yes. Not gentle per se, but definitely ...emotional? Like soft sex. Slow soft sex but with emotions?? I'm lost
~~~
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Friday 11:54pm
From Princess
Please tell me no. Talk me out of this. Tell me I'm fucknuts and I need to just come home and be reasonable and sensible. You know when you stand at a ledge and a little voice tells you Just jump. Do it. Go
Do I want all in? Can I do this? I should not do this. I should not care about him. Especially like this. I just. When I'm not here this is all I think about. No one else makes me feel this way
~~~
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Friday 11:56pm
From Princess
I'm hysterical right? This will go away if I just sleep. I can't stop looking at him. Touching his face, hair. Ever since the Kitchen Blowup (after the first fight??is it a fight if you're not technically in a relationship?) he's been different. Careful?? Like he really listened to me and heard. I can see him trying. Like reining in his knee jerk reactions and stopping to think before he says stuff to me. What am I supposed to do?
~~~
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Friday 11:59pm
From Princess
I want to trust him. I want to be spoiled and fucked senseless and all the giggles and private planes and shopping sprees and sleeping in til noon. But what about the other side? Constantly looking over my shoulder? Worrying that he might not come home from whatever the fuck he's out doing? The other actual supermodel hot women??? I'm not naive.
~~~
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Saturday 12:10am
From Princess
I just need to turn this off. Shut it down. Cut off emotions and just fuck. I can't do this and I can't have him for keeps. So it's time to be realistic. After this shitty quarantine ends I'll take whatever cash he wants to give me and go home. I can move if I have to. It's not hard to change your name these days. This whole nightmare will be the hilarious rumors in my future nursing home
~~~
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Saturday 4:44am
From Princess
Got up at like 350 for the bathroom. When I crawled back into bed he yanked me backwards to be smashed into/under him. Buried face into my hair and ordered:
Stop
Leaving
~~~
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Saturday 9:10am
From Princess
Woke up alone. Gathered shirt. Did surveillance from top of stairs. Music blasting. Bastian and Diego are working out. I had to sit down for a while
~~~
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Saturday 9:40am
From Princess
Finally made it down the stairs. Eating donuts while watching live action porn
~~~
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Saturday 10:27am
From Princess
Show's over. Diego announces he is going to shower with a wink. I am staying on this barstool with my donuts. I am determined
~~~
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Saturday 10:38am
From Princess
Sharing donuts with Bastian. He is staring at me
Me: ...wut?
Bastian: You know I haven't driven Franchesca anywhere in 4 months
I don't know how long I've been sitting here staring at this half eaten donut but Bastian is gone
Shower still running
~~~
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Saturday 1:36pm
From Princess
Slut level 7: Shower blowjob
Realized I have to wash my hair now. He demands to do it??
Diego: How much fucking conditioner is this going to take?
Me drooling blissfully: Uhhh... please not that word right now
...I literally heard Horny Murder Panther transition happen.
He did not touch anything but my head. Came via voice command. How the fuck
~~~
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Saturday 1:39pm
From Princess
Then it was Round 2 still dripping wet in the bed. No idea how he recovered that fast not looking gift horse in the mouth.  Haha   Horse
Also slow soft again? Does this mean something?? I feel like I'm missing some key piece of info. Never had a dude like kiss all over my face and stroke my hair. What is this gentle?? Don't like the whole looking into my eyes thing
~~~
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Saturday 3:02pm
From Princess
Received an assignment. Was trying to budget for next month (on my new laptop! Whole Microsoft office package!! SPREADSHEETS!!!)
Instructed to help fix what I fucked up…?
It's resumes. He wants me to look at resumes.   Um
~~~
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Saturday 4:12pm
From Princess
We traded laptops. I picked 3 resumes for 'warehouse labor'  This is fucking surreal
Got my laptop back and… all the internet tabs were closed?? I was paying all my bills dude wtf. His phone rings but before he walks off tells me the title will be mailed to me. ?????
~~~
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Saturday 4:47pm
From Princess
He's still in the office on the phone. I'm in the closet in shock. He paid my loans. He paid my Loans. He Paid My Fucking Loans OFF
CAR
STUDENT LOANS
$$$$$   30,000  $$$$$
THIRTY GRAND
~~~
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Saturday 4:52pm
From Princess
No you can't have him if I don't want him!! Fuck you
~~~
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Saturday 5:32pm
From Princess
Bastian came back, left a big box on the counter, said "This is for you honey" and left again. Diego still in the office.
...should I open it or wait for him to come out??
~~~
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Saturday 5:36pm
From Princess
Fuck it. I'm opening this shit
~~~
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Saturday 5:42pm
From Princess
It's a very large Brahmin bag.
Holy fuck its gorgeous 
~~~
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Saturday 5:47pm
From Princess
You know what? You Know What?
IT'S KITCHEN BLOWUP 2.0 TIME
~~
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Sunday 8:42am
From Princess
I think we're ok? I actually uh, accidentally recorded um… everything-ish. And I might send it to you later. But right now things are kinda wobbly and I just wanna enjoy everything while I can. I'll check back in later. We're going to bed now
~~
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Sunday 1:58pm
From Princess
Woke up to 1 gigantic hand stroking down my back. 2nd hand stuffed up my pussy to the knuckle. Villain voice directly into left ear. Memory hazy after that
~~
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Sunday 3:01pm
From Princess
Do Oreos in bed at 3pm count as breakfast? My hips hurt
~~
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Sunday 6:40pm
From Princess
Ok we all know I'm very much A Freak. Trysexual if you will. Only way to know you don't like it is to try it right? So anal. Never really worked. Great in theory really unpleasant in practice.
Turns out others were trying to insert the wrong appendage. Related: I fucking love beards
e v e r y w h e r e
~~
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Sunday 10:40pm
From Princess
Yes I know you wanna know about KITCHEN BLOWUP 2.0, someday I'll tell you about v.1. It's complicated. There are feels. I can't take the vague, wishy washy, up in the air status. So it went kinda like this
Me: You want to "keep" me? Wtf does that even mean?? And how, via purchasing me??? Don't get me wrong, I like being spoiled. I'm not an idiot. But you don't even know me
He looked like I stabbed him. It was horrible
~~
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Sunday 10:42pm
From Princess
So I laid it all out: I lived in my car for a while in my 20s. Escaped an abusive ex after 8 yrs. Survived cancer at 26. Did 2 rounds of trade school just to be scraping by at like $15 an hour. That you just paid off like it was nothing. You try to protect me from you and your life. But you have no idea what I've already survived.
So here's the deal: You wanna keep me?? Then I get to keep you.
But it's everything. If I can't have everything then I don't want anything. And if it can't be ONLY me then I gotta go. I'm not a back up plan or a convenience.
~~
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Sunday 10:50pm
From Princess
At this point I'm scream-crying, gesticulating like I'm hysterical. He's collapsed on the floor at my feet looking like I just killed his dog. Only makes me worse. I'm demanding an answer right fucking now. This is a disaster.
~~
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Sunday 10:54pm
From Princess
He starts yelling about how he can't keep me if I'm dead. This isn't a fucking game and I'm just like Do I look like I'm playing right now?!?
Lisa, he was crying. Just kept repeating "She's right. She's fucking right. That bitch is right."
Head in his hands sobbing.
I couldn't. 
~~
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Sunday 10:59pm
From Princess
So I got down on my knees in front of him and reached for his hands. Just like the first blowup. I was terrified because he's obviously not in control and like I don't know the things he does but I Know. And the PTSD from ex… but I finally got him to look at me and asked him to just Tell Me.
And he did.
~~~
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Monday 12:04am
From Princess
If you had told me that night in the club that any of this would happen. That this man was capable of everything these past 10 months have brought. I would've taken you to the hospital myself.
He collapsed on me and was just begging me "Don't go don't go. Please stay. Stay just for now. Please. No one else no one."  I have a lot to consider. Probably gonna be quiet for a few days. I'll text you when things calm down. He's asleep on my chest right now
~~~
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Monday 12:10am
From Princess
I mean 10 months...how many weekends have I been up here? 12? 16? And only twice did I reach out first and ask. I have stuff here. You saw the closet section. Every time I arrive there's coke and ketchup in the fridge. My face wash and toothbrush and a huge bottle of gel in the bathroom. Last time here he gave me the safe combo???
~~~
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Monday 12:14am
From Princess
YES THE SODA JFC
I mean, I've never seen ...other… in the fridge. I don't think it needs to be refrigerated???
I Don't Know Okay
~~~
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Monday 6:40am
From Princess
Woke up around 5 and he was just staring at me from like 2 inches away. He left once he realized I was awake. I didn't follow. He still hasn't come back to bed yet. Should I go find him?
~~~
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Monday 11:38am
From Princess
Found him on the couch. Coffee table covered in vast array of firearms. Did not realize there were so many in this penthouse. Little uncomfortable. But I'm a fast learner with good mechanical skills so now I can do gun stuff. Please don't ask me about it
~~~
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Monday 11:41am
From Princess
Ok yesss. We had the stupid movie cliche moment of big tough guy stands behind damsel to teach some physical skill. Gawd.
...yeah doing it feels better than watching. You happy now???
~~~
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Monday 2:28pm
From Princess
Mood swing. He declared vengeance on behalf of his closet. I have worn too many shirts. This cannot continue. ????? Stay tuned
~~~
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Monday 2:59pm
From Princess
This man runs the largest distribution enterprise in the western hemisphere.
Currently stuck in one of my $6 tank tops from Target. 
~~~
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Monday 4:17pm
From Princess
I'm out a tank top. And a thong. Go ahead and just think about that
...But I'm still wearing one of his shirts :-D
~~~
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Monday 5:48pm
From Princess
Instead of admitting defeat he decided to forcibly remove the shirt from me. Since I have to be difficult, I ran. If this place wasn't soundproof there would be so many police here.
What level of fucked up is it to enjoy screaming No!, while struggling, not less than 3 sec prior to orgasm??
~~~
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Monday 5:52pm
From Princess
The scale only goes to 10. You don't gotta be a bitch. Damn
~~~
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Monday 8:17pm
From Princess
14 days will be up this Thursday. But they're talking about extending it, really bad here. I'm scared. Gonna try a drink, maybe ativan because I'm starting to freak out.
~~~
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Monday 9:57pm
From Princess
Watching the news and I just sorta came unglued.  Diego not really a soft/gentle guy (obvs) but once I got thru a blubber-cry explanation of immuno-compromised and cancer treatment I got full lap cuddles. I want this every time I'm upset. Warm and solid and big hands and soft nuzzles and scratchy velvet cheek kisses. Feel so tiny and safe
~~~
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Monday 11:40pm
From Princess
Think I'm fukced up. Everything feels good. Petting all the things
~~~
Incoming Text
Monday 11:44pm
From Princess
I'm fiiiiine. One drink. Once ativan. Thats it
~~~
Incoming Text
Monday 11:49pm
From Princess
Omgod ill be fine it's good donot call me
~~~
Incoming Text
Monday 11:55pm
From Princess
What are fiddlesticks? Like the worrd not a instrument accessory?why do we say that
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 7:42am
From Princess
Holy shit I slept so good. I looked back thru the texts. Wtf was I doing?? I don't remember any of this
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 8:32am
From Princess
He's giving me that all teeth smile. I'm very suspicious. And surprisingly not horny?? Am I dying?
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 9:46am
From Princess
Have been informed that I was very adorable last night. I'm afraid to learn his definition of adorable
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 10:12am
From Princess
Omg he has 3 hours of video
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 11:17am
From Princess
I spent 45 min yelling about Pluto planet status being revoked and the kilogram definition being forever altered. He was very invested in the 2nd part. Legit academic discussion
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 11:49am
From Princess
Next part: I decided to make a fried egg sandwich. He started recording like a cooking show. I almost lit my hair on fire.
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 11:57am
From Princess
Oh I see where everything went wrong. I had 1 drink and 1 ativan. Then I finished his drink. Then I drank his replacement. Why tf did he let me do that??
"You were so cute! How could I say no to this face, bonita?"
...I will remember that
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 12:13pm
From Princess
Apparently we exchanged playlists. This is not good
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 12:28pm
From Princess
Omg I revealed the Murder Panther Sugar Daddy title. Oh fuck. Shit shit shit
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 12:42pm
From Princess
I spent 40 min petting him all over while listing everything I liked and why. He is going to be insufferable for forever after this
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 1:22pm
From Princess
Lisa. Lisa. Holy shit. He said we made a porno. I laughed. He fucking narrated an opening to it. I am dying  I am going to die   I am dead
Him, offscreen: Diego and Bicki make a Porno!
Me, onscreen, twerking on the bed in lace bra
Me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeee ASS AND TITTIES!!!
Diego pops into shot, giggling: Pretty Princess Pussy!!
The whole thing just dissolved into shaky blur and us laughing hysterically
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 1:24pm
From Princess
No I'm not sharing it. What is wrONG WITH YOU??????
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 3:44pm
From Princess
It… did not go the way I thought it would. And apparently he had not watched it either because we were both surprised.
That. Was not sex. Seeing the soft slow with emotions from the outside was pretty damning.
That was lovemaking
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 6:32pm
From Princess
I'm locked in the bathroom. Everything is fucked.
I just… I just hid my face and said "I want to go home." Like a fucking coward hiding behind my hair, I took off upstairs and now I'm here. It's been a long time. I'm still alone
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 6:39pm
From Princess
No shit Sherlock, I know I have intimacy issues.
Men don't love me. Sure I'm fun to fuck for a while. But they don't take a poor fat girl home. Come on, you've seen it firsthand. Clearly, since here I still am by myself
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 6:42pm
From Princess
I don't know what I was thinking. I don't belong here. Guess I'll just ride out the last 2 days then come home
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 6:45pm
From Princess
I think Julio is here. I can hear their voices but can't make out the words
Oh no his sister is here. They're yelling in Spanish, I can't catch any of it
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 10:14pm
From Princess
They screamed for a while, then she finally left. Been silent ever since. I don't know if he's still here
~~~
Incoming Text
Tuesday 10:40pm
From Princess
He's definitely still here. There's a tantrum going on
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 12:32am
From Princess
Fell asleep in the closet corner again. Except when I woke up he was wedged in there with me
Me: … um
Diego: I think I see why you do this
Then he went to sleep on me
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 5:48am
From Princess
Have been talking since 3. Still in the closet.
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 7:10am
From Princess
I'm coming home when this is over. I need some time and space to think. 
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 7:12am
From Princess
Is that even the right term? Do you 'break up' with a sugar daddy???? 
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 7:13am
From Princess
NO I WANT TO KEEP HIM
BITCH I WILL STAB YOU
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 7:16am
From Princess
Gonna shower and go to bed. You mention that last text and I literally will stab you. BFF or not
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 4:40pm
From Princess
Just listened to an hour of descriptions of Mexico.
I am… tempted
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 6:54pm
From Princess
I'm flying home Friday, they just lifted the travel ban here.
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 6:59pm
From Princess
No, no one is happy here. We're both clingy disasters today
~~~
Incoming Text
Wednesday 7:17pm
From Princess
Went downstairs. It's a war zone. We came back upstairs 
~~~
Incoming Text
Thursday 6:19am
From Princess
Couldn't sleep so I'm packing. Diego is watching me from the bed with the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes in existence.
Effect kinda ruined because I can see his bare ass
~~~
Incoming Text
Thursday 6:22am
From Princess
Why would you ask me that? You know he's an exhibitionist 
~~~
Incoming Text
Thursday 6:23am
From Princess
I can't decide if you're the Best or the Worst BFF ever. Gawd
~~~
Incoming Text
Thursday 6:25am
From Princess
...IMAGE LOADING…
~~~
Incoming Text
Thursday 6:27am
From Princess
Yeah. You see my dilemma now???
~~~
Incoming Text
Thursday 6:28am
From Princess
Yes I bite it! What is wrong with you today???
~~~
Incoming Text
Thursday 6:43pm
From Princess
He spent entire day attached to me. I..??? What do I do with a clingy cartel boss drug lord?? Its too much
~~~
Incoming Text
Friday 8:52am
From Princess
I'm on the plane. He rode here with me. Looked so… broken. Feel like a monster. But I'm scared
~~~
Incoming Text
Friday 1:45pm
From Princess
Lisa. LISA. LISA.
I'm home but but he. Omg
~~~
Incoming Text
Friday 2:38pm
From Princess
There's a tiny stuffed panther in my bag with a note:  I just want to be with you
My very own Tiny Murder Panther 
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dearophelia · 3 years
Text
self indulgent grey’s spy!au
so i’m watching madam secretary again and it’s reminding me of the grey’s spy au i was frantically texting @evil-redhead about last year
(first of all, and i did the research to learn that this isn’t actually possible, but it’s fic so who cares: please imagine with me addison as elizabeth’s surgeon general. thank you and goodnight)
second of all, and this is just copy/pasted from text messages with some very light editing:
-one-
The kill order comes in over encrypted text just after 2:30am Kaliningrad local time. Addison knows the logic: take him out and the whole supply chain through the Baltics collapses. She also knows the reality: taking out gun runners in former Soviet states is like playing whack-a-mole with a baby hammer. Eventually someone in the Company will figure that out and change tactics. In the meantime, she has orders.
She speaks flawless Russian with zero accent, which helps when she steers the arms dealer out of the party and up to his private suite. She pretends she’s from the same village as his grandmother, tells stories about a local borscht variant. He compliments her tits and her legs and everything else he can see. What he doesn’t see is the way she twists around her ring and flicks open a hidden compartment with her thumb while she’s pouring the vodka.
Addison watches as he eagerly takes the shot and then turns an interesting shade of purple. He’s dead within ninety seconds.
She takes a shot of clean vodka, wraps up in her black trenchcoat, and slips out the back entrance into the night.
There’s a pay phone four blocks down. She calls her handler and leaves a message about the museum being closed tomorrow, code for mission complete. She checks out of the hotel and is on the next flight to Helsinki away from here.
-two-
Addison likes Mark Sloan, she does. He’s a good asset and a great fuck and she doesn’t at all mind that their schedules sync up in Helsinki more often than she syncs up with anyone else anywhere else. Helsinki’s a good place to lay low for a few days, even easier when she’s hardly getting out of bed.
But he’s DIA and she doesn’t trust defense guys farther than she can throw them. Goes out of her way to avoid them, usually. But Mark’s good company, great fun, and nothing they do in this hotel room ever happened the moment one of them leave. So she’ll let the DOD thing go as long as it doesn’t interfere with her own work.
He’s making breakfast and trying to tell her a joke he overheard. This never ends well, but she indulges him. It falls apart in the translation – “You’d find this hilarious if you heard it in the original Czech,” he proclaims, setting a plate of eggs in front of her.
Addison eyes him over a forkful. “Since I don’t speak Czech, your odds aren’t looking good, Sloan.”
Mark’s still telling his joke and she smiles as the sun rises over their tiny hotel room.
36 hours and then she’s off to Paris and meeting a DGSE contact she can hardly stand. Then, armed with that information, back to former Soviet listening posts. Maybe this one will be inland.
-three-
Addison takes the right hook like a champ, luring the goon into a false sense of security. She drops down, grabs a broom from the floor, and lets the guy have one last laugh at the pretty girl with the stick before she comes whirling in and knocks him flat on his ass inside five seconds. Another goon runs out of the shadows and she cracks him across the skull so hard he actually skids across the floor.
“Impressive,” her contact says in dripping French. He sips his tea.
“The file?” she holds out her hand. No one does intelligence theatrics like the French. Not even the Russians.
With an irritated sigh, the DGSE agent drops a USB drive into her hand. “It self-destructs after 24 hours. Would not recommend keeping it in your suitcase.”
Addison gives him a tight smile and returns to her hotel room.
Derek, this time.
(Mark is Scandinavia and the former Soviet states. Derek is Western Europe. Alex is usually somewhere in Central Asia and Jake is in the Mediterranean.)
She waves off his concern about the shiner blooming over her eye and slides the drive into her laptop. “Order room service,” she tells him as she pulls her shirt off, changing out of bloodied and ripped clothes while waiting for the drive to load.
It’s not his fault he hovers. He’s an embassy doctor, bouncing around Western Europe for the State Department. Last time he got into a fight was probably high school. Last time he had to do anything classified on his own was probably never.
He orders – including red wine and extra ice, which she’s sure makes the kitchen worker on the other end say a few choice things about Americans – and her laptop chirps ready.
Volgograd this time. Not a weapons dealer. A physicist. A nuclear physicist. “Oh boy,” she says to herself.
She books a hotel in Volgograd and then places a same-day Amazon delivery for post-its, a portable printer, tape, and other supplies. She and Elizabeth call it the conspiracy theory order, though she skips the red string.
While Derek’s setting out dinner (and sets a bag of ice intentionally – and somewhat aggressively – in her direction), she sends a secure text to Alex.
gonna be in vgrad for a minute. you nearby?
Dinner’s over before she gets a response.
yep. even have some intel for you.
Addison puts her phone away and turns to Derek. “I’m fine,” she says, gesturing to the cuts and bruises.
“I know.” Still, he wraps his arms around her in a gentle hug. “I worry.”
She hugs him back. They haven’t been married in a long time. “I know.”
He gently maneuvers her to the couch and opens his bag. Addison went to med school too – though the CIA scooped her up during her residency – and a few of the cuts need butterfly closures for a couple days. She lets him work.
“How are Meredith and the kids?”
-four-
“Lox and two chives,” Addison orders at the counter, as she has the last ten days. “And the bathroom key, please.”
The cashier slips her a key. She pays and disappears down the hallway with the bathrooms, but opens the supply closet instead. Past shelves of paper towels and cups and cocaine (not her problem, not today), she pauses at the second door. The handprint scanner flashes blue then green at her palm. The door unlocks.
Bright lights overhead, several whiteboards shoved up against the walls, photographs and maps taped up everywhere. The single desk in the middle of the room is covered in folders labeled TOP SECRET, most of them open. Alex puts a cup of coffee into her hand. She finishes half of it before she even takes her coat off.
Spy work isn’t all glamorous. It’s mostly sitting in dark dank rooms filled with boxes of moth-eaten paper, trying to connect two dots. Alex is a good partner for it though. The fact that he’s CIA too doesn’t hurt – she doesn’t have to play the alphabet agency paranoia game with him.
Hours pass. Another day, another half step closer. The bagel shop closes and they slip out the back by the dumpsters.
“You want to grab a drink?” she asks as she has every night.
“We could skip drinks,” he suggests.
She looks at him in the flickering parking lot light. Normally he says yes, they get drinks and dinner, talk shop, part ways at her hotel.
A small smile graces her lips. Addison doesn’t need to be a spy to pick up Alex’s meaning.
Volgograd is fucking boring. And she and Mark have an exclusive-when-we’re-in-the-same-city agreement, not exclusive-everywhere.
The smile shifts into a smirk. “Yeah.”
-five-
This is a bad idea. This is a really bad idea. This might be the worst idea she’s ever had. And yet.
Flicking her eyes up to the rearview mirror, she gets a read on the car following her. Scratch that – cars. Plural.
She slams on the accelerator and calls Elizabeth.
“I need a favor,” she says as soon as Elizabeth’s picked up the phone. Addison hears several small children laughing in the background.
“On it,” Elizabeth says, once she’s heard the situation and the favor. “Give me ten minutes.”
Sure. She’ll keep leading a high-speed car chase through Southern Turkey and try not to accidentally make a left into Syria. She can keep this up for ten minutes. Why not.
She has the final piece in a USB drive hidden in her shoe, but this extremely stupid idea only becomes worth it if she – or, she supposes, her shoe – can get back to the agency. Which is where Elizabeth comes in. Addison’s nowhere near Ankara and the embassy, driving into Syria is an even worse idea (and she’d run out of gas long before hitting Damascus anyway), and so she needs an exit. Now.
Seven minutes and Elizabeth calls back about an airfield fifteen miles away. A Blackhawk will be waiting there for her, but she has to clear a couple layers of airfield security first.
Addison looks back up in the mirror. Three cars now and she thinks she sees the silhouette of someone hanging out the window with a gun. She’s going to have to have a discussion with Derek about suitable conversations he has with his current wife about his ex-wife the CIA agent and international spy. It’s not Meredith’s fault; GRU’s been tailing Derek since they were the KGB. Addison makes a mental note to remind State about that, maybe have someone sweep his house for bugs on a more regular basis.
But that’s a later problem. A much later problem. The more imminent problem is that she’s being shot at and still has seven miles before the airfield. “Can I just drive through security?” Addison asks, making an abrupt right down a skinny unlit street.
“Sure,” Elizabeth says. “It’s our airfield, do what you want.”
“Not the first time I’ve destroyed US government property.”
Elizabeth snorts. “Call me if you need anything else.”
The call drops as another round of gunfire shoots past.
“You’re really bad at this,” she mutters at the car behind her. They haven’t even managed to blow out the back window yet, not that she’s complaining.
By the time she hits the airfield, they’ve shattered the back window, blown several holes in the trunk, and they hit one of her back wheels just as she slams through the first security gate.
The second gate guards are a little more prepared and already have the gate lifted. They drop spike strips behind her to trap her pursuers. She jumps out of the car to the sound of many tires being violently punctured and the sound of angry Russians being thrown out of their cars and onto the ground.
The Blackhawk lifts off into the dead of night. Addison runs her fingers through her hair and texts her handler that she’s on her way back to Istanbul. She’ll hand off the intel to people who get paid a whole lot more than she does and move on to a new case.
Maybe South America, this time. Let some heat die down before bringing her back to Europe.
Once it’s all settled and she’s in her state-sponsored room, showered and sitting in a fluffy bathrobe, she checks her messages. One from her brother, about Thanksgiving logistics. One from Elizabeth, making sure she made it out okay.
And one from Mark.
Case is taking me to Venezuela. Gonna be a while, Red.
Addison grins. Her new orders came in just before dinner. Turns out there’s some worrisome news in her area of expertise coming out of the South America desk and the Company’s shipping her off to Caracas.
Maybe not. My flight leaves in a couple days. Buy me a margarita?
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semper-legens · 4 years
Text
8. Space Opera, by Catherynne M Valente
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Owned: Yes Page count: 289 My summary: Planet Earth has a problem. First contact with alien life has been made, and they’ve issued an ultimatum. Prove that humanity is a sentient species worthy of existing, or perish. They have been entered into the Galactic Grand Prix; not a battle, but a contest. Bring the best of what Earth’s musicians have to offer - glitz and glitter and sparkles and kitsch, and hope it makes Earth worth saving. Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros must sing for the life of all of Earth. Just remember - in space, everyone can hear you sing. My rating: 3.5/5 My commentary:
So, Eurovision. It’s one piece of European culture that is apparently baffling to Americans. I don’t really watch it myself, but I can appreciate it from afar - who doesn’t love a bit of camp and glitter and everyone dunking on your country for being terrible? This is essentially Eurovision IN SPACE, with a healthy dollop of Douglas Adams. Like if Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy had more singing.
And this whole novel is very much Adams-esque, knowingly so. The style of writing, that kind of baffling and joke-heavy exposition or utterly ridiculous background plot elements that burst through to full prominence when you least expect it, is in full swing here, and honestly, it works well. Valente’s making no attempts to hide the fact that she’s aping Adams here, and so it becomes a beautiful homage to his work and ideas.
(Valente also does an excellent job constructing English culture here. She’s American, but I literally kept forgetting that midway through, thinking that something this precise had to be written by an English person, so kudos there.)
Alien Eurovision is, of course, a wonderful concept, and with it comes a host of incredibly inventive alien species, from the roadrunners to the Ursulas to the gamers to sentient code. Valente paints a rich tapestry of cultures and practices between the aliens, all of them ridiculous and exaggerated to some degree or another, and it makes for some very entertaining reading, especially when discussing what each culture has for music. They’re all so far beyond what Earth has to offer that it lends a lot of tension in the early part of the novel, wondering how the hell two guys and some instruments are gonna live up to choirs of entire family lines. They’re also all just bonkers conceptually, it’s like Doctor Who of the 70s did coke with the Teletubbies or something.
The main human characters are Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros, consisting of Decibel Jones, birth name Danesh Jalo, boyfrack and man-of-all-instruments Oort St Ultraviolet, birth name Omar Calişkan, and girlfraud Mira Wonderful Star, now deceased. Decibel and Oort are played alternatively seriously and for laughs, with that great Arthur Dent-style characterisation that manages a lot of pathos in between the gags. They’re also just great characters. Decibel is a hot mess, and Oort the eternal straight man - yet we see their struggles and their sorrows, their grief over Mira and their rocky relationship now that they’re no longer stars. Decibel’s whole persona owes a lot, I think, to Freddie Mercury or David Bowie, and every one of his outfits described is a Look And A Half. I want to be him.
But Decibel and Oort serve important thematic roles, too. I mentioned their birth names above to highlight something important - both are the children of immigrants to the UK, and both represent different attitudes to the idea of integration. Decibel wants nothing more than to stand out, whereas Oort was raised to be an average English guy, becoming what he describes as Englishblokeman. Another writer might glorify a band from England being chosen to represent the country as a whole - Valente examines both men’s relationships to the country that they were born in, but have been hurt by in many different ways over the years. There’s a parallel there, between the treatment of immigrants to the UK by white Britons, and the callous treatment humans get at the hands of the aliens, who mock and belittle and dehumanise them routinely as a matter of course. It’s meaningful and interesting, and makes for a solid core of themes under the glitter and camp.
There is one thing I’d criticise in this novel, and it’s that it can sometimes get a bit confusing. There’s a lot of moving parts to keep track of, and it’s hard sometimes to tell if something’s just a gag, or if it’s a major plot element that I need to remember. A lot of alien races with weird names are introduced, and remembering each of their quirks wasn’t easy. It did hamper my enjoyment a bit, but I gotta say, I prefer something that’s this earnest and written with this amount of passion and also a bit sprawling and confusing, to something more formulaic and heartless. Valente pours a lot of love into her work, and it sings from every page. I can’t help but appreciate it.
That’s all for this one, I think - join me next time, as I dive right back into the world of fairytale.
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