#the most random ass group of people together on a road trip to save the world

[medievalthymes]

the ass quest mountain crew is like if the scooby doo gang was doomed by the narrative

you got:

1. depressed himbo and his talking animal companion

2. everyone’s favourite funky (gnc) guy

3. the literal queen

4. coming to you live from jhaampe, interview with the witted bastard, news reporter: starling birdsong

5. a 300 year old lady fed up with all of them

[yfere]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E50

You know that fun story about how CritRoleStats like mark notes on a spreadsheet and shit while watching episodes? Okay, now imagine that, but with shipping.

Ah, episode 50. The golden anniversary, as they say. We certainly struck some gold on the shipping front. Masterpost here.

+ 4 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester. We have 1. All three of them working together to make Caleb into the most annoying underground clock, complete with special effects 2. Caleb and Jester (and Beau) teaming up to make Fjord’s life absolutely miserable with sailor romance novel dramatic readings and 3. Fjord and Jester vying for the right to bampf their squishy wizard man to safety. I get the impression this guy Caleb games the shipping system by being such a perfect damsel in distress.

+0 to Yasha/Jester. Alas, Jester bampfed the wizard man to safety. Yasha obviously needs to work on her damsel-in-distress impression

+10 to Beau/Jester. Listen, if these guys can spend an episode not being fucking adorable and perfect for each other, maybe they’ll stop racking up the points. Dont @ me, I don’t make the rules. Anyway, in no particular order: Beau being the gayest hypewoman and calling Jester “mistress” and “a god.” Beau being the most enthusiastic supporter of the Traveler prayeasy, Beau, knight-in-can’t-wear-armor, bearing her love’s favor pet weasel into battle running the fuck away. Jester having Beau do dramatic romance novel readings because Beau was bored—and Beau loving the shit out of it, and Jester getting very distracted by the reading. AKA by Beau’s sexy character voices.

+8 to Caleb/Jester. Caleb continuing to absolutely be on Jester’s wavelength, ft. “Should we look for their babies?” Not to mention, Caleb—he fucking—trades in his darlingest cat so that they can save some random ugly caged creature, purely because Jester made sad eyes at it. What a whipped little sweetheart. But I suppose Caduceus wasn’t on board with that, because he smacked two points out of the ship by immediately freeing the caged creature to face a grisly death. This guy also cockblocked Jester from gaining points via flashlight-ribbon, all “my Light spell is better than yours” Stop mucking up Caleb’s romances, Caduceus.

+4 to Caleb/Fjord. They also get wonderful #married bickering, ft. Fjord having way too much faith in Caleb’s book-smarts. “My grandmother used to keep me up late at night reading me stories about things like this NO I DON’T KNOW. I KNOW HISTORY ABOUT MY COUNTRY, NOT UNDERGROUND CASTLES.”…………priceless. Beautiful. Give me more of that right now. Also: Fjord and Caleb continuing to bond over being absolutely done with the rest of the group at various points. Team Dad FTW!

+12 to Caduceus/Caleb. A perfect demonstration of how this duo have made the ULTIMATE BATTLE COUPLE. Slow saving their bacon and allowing Cads to get a hit in. Bane, seemingly tailor-made to prevent Caleb from getting smashed to bits and also helping his spells land. Caduceus casting Sentinel to save Caleb, saving Caleb’s favorite person from annihilation by fire, giving him resistance, and sealing the exit right behind him after unsuccessfully trying to force Fjord to pick up the damn wizard and bring him inside! Cads even supports Caleb’s dumb Fae King shenanigans—truly, the most supportive husband. Also: road trip buddies! Asked to stick together in the middle. [”I’m Sticking With You” starts playing] Also: camp buddies! Working together to make the dopest Bubble/Stoneshape nighttime arrangements. Also: Caduceus deciding that he likes Caleb’s metaphors even though he absolutely does not understand them, and Caleb being strangely preoccupied with the concept of cows, for some reason.

+2 to Fjord/Jester. The pair were also made Road Trip Buddies, further confirming the cast’s attachment to three particular pairings this campaign. Considering Yasha and Nugget were paired up, they are absolutely the 3rd OTP what--who is this Beau person? But of course there is much more than that for this pair! There is Jester being a source of Support and Validation re: Dire Sheep being cooler than Ordinary Cow when it comes to polymorphing enemies, and Fjord taking over Sending counting duty. There are points taken away though, for Fjord trying to convince Jester to abandon Nugget, which crosses a line even for #married bickering. The dog can take care of himself better than you can sometimes, Fjord, smh. More points taken away for Jester excitedly regaling Fjord with horror stories from her childhood, unintentionally torturing him (or do all of these add points? Time will tell).

+2,000,000 to Nott/Yeza. Nott the Brave continues to put all ships to absolute shame in this ep. Alone, surrounded by deadly fire giants, with her only route of escape cut off from her, she closes her eyes, thinks of her husband—and walks into lava. There are love songs written about people who will walk through fire and hell for their love, but words are cheap. This woman. She is what love is all about.

-3 to Sam Riegel/All Us Goblin Stans. Reigniting the fires (ha) of the gobs-shouldn’t-be-evil-or-hated discourse, all while hiding behind the authoritative mechanical voice of MerSiri. Come on out, Sam. Face us.

-100 to Fire Giants/Whoever their boss is. I mean, that bridge was built there for a fucking reason. People who work in that building probably need to use it. You can’t fucking destroy a company bridge just because you can’t figure out how to smash a fucking tiny ass goblin. You bozos. You absolute fools. This is coming out of your paychecks.

[diguerra-moved]

@wardencrowned​ // ALISTAIR.

orzammar was scorching and uncomfortable, especially when lugging around the bulk of his body in an entire set of armor. despite the heat nothing the dwarven kingdom did put him off as much as being left alone with morrigan of all people. how did they end up as a pair when their group set off to investigate just what the hell was happening during the city’s war for the throne? he hadn’t a clue, but at least at first they seemed to fall into comfortable silence, their gazes taking in what was happening with the merchants just outside of the entrance to dust town. of course that had to be ruined when some man decided to give a snotty remark to morrigan, and of course she threatened him in response and the dwarf ran off in terror, it wouldn’t be a trip to anywhere in ferelden if one of their ragtag group didn’t get poached upon by some random ass.

her words almost uptick his lips, falling back in step beside her once they decided to keep moving away from the smart mouthed dwarf’s shop. “ yes, well. you certainly have a talent for it. ” his tone had no malice, just a statement he deemed true, morrigan was terrifying when she wanted to be, and in the past yes, maybe she did sap the joy out of him like a sponge with a comment about his intelligence. despite their constant arguing and the fear he sometimes felt from her, he also had come to see another side of her in battle. how many times did a well placed ice spell save his behind during their many skirmishes with enemies? he wouldn’t openly admit it, but he often found himself in awe of her, for a woman who seemed to not like many things sure did put in a hell of a lot of work to protect them all with her magic.

he doesn’t know, but perhaps he surprises her when he chooses to not further comment on her ability to steal men’s joy. instead an almost grim expression falls upon his face as he led her away from the merchants and more towards the innards of orzammar, the honey of hie eyes catching the bright embers of the fire below. “ morrigan. ” he catches her attention after more silence, finally breaking his gaze away from the swirling pit of flames. “ i know you rarely left the wilds… so when you joined cousland and i a year ago did you ever think that our travels would lead us to all these different places? ” it was an honest question, genuine and innocent, a real one that lacked the usual tension the two of them shared whenever they usually spoke. was it exhaustion and the heat? probably, but he wasn’t in the mood to start an argument with her over nothing. it was tiring, and maybe she was one of the few of their group who could understand how awed and out of his element he felt. leliana and zevran were both so well traveled, and cousland, as much as he adored them was highborn, they got to see things… places. who was alistair? a nobody bastard who spent his entire life in a fishing village and the barn outside of a castle, the monastery, and finally the few months he shared the road with duncan. he wasn’t well traveled, he wasn’t worldly, so every new place they came to, whether beautiful like the looming tower of magi against lake calenhad or some place as uncomfortable as orzammar was something new for him to experience.

“ i just… maybe that was a dumb question, ignore me if you must. ”

It would hardly be an ill thought out plan to spread the group and cover more ground, keeping mage and warrior together. Strategically, it was sound enough; without taking into consideration warrior was Alistair and the mage herself. How the Warden decided this to be the best division of their group Morrigan most certainly could not fathom; nevertheless, she begrudgingly acquiesced, content to simply be done with it as soon as possible. 

Of all places their travels had taken them to, Orzammar most certainly was amidst her least favorite. If the dwarves laughed at the idea of living with the sky above their heads, she sorely missed the open air (and vegetation and fauna, and magic; the dwarven kingdom severely lacked all of it, while having an abundance of stone and irritating heat). Silence that settles between them must be caused by the insufferable atmosphere, she gauges. If too often approach would be to rile up Alistair for no reason other than her own amusement, the silence does not trouble Morrigan at all, a most welcome change of pace when mood is already quite sullen with their current predicament. The dwarf’s approach considerably worsens it, though it is enough to lift her spirits somewhat to see terror she causes on him.

It takes her by surprise that Alistair does not make use of her commentary to either make an insult or blabber about her awfulness; when it does not come, she arcs an eyebrow, nearly provokes him on the would be compliment (if it is not what he mean either, there is naught of detrimental in being talented in stealing a man’s joy, she would say). In the end, Morrigan allows for the silence to return, watching their surroundings with both disinterest and attentiveness. 

They have come a long way from the beginning. Indeed, Morrigan had deemed Alistair insufferable before; he may not be a templar proper, but he had long been trained for it, and the marks of it were more than blatant. With natural contempt for those who would hunt her and lock her in a tower, there was scarcely way for her to be sympathetic to him or his beloved Chantry. While this had not disappeared, journey with Cousland had forced them together enough that she had begun seeing past it; they were not friends for that would be laughable (none of them were, she thought, though lie was not entirely convincing, not even to herself), yet there was something now there hadn’t been before. Respect, to a degree? Perhaps. She knew not what to name it, though friendship assuredly was not it.

Or so she insisted to herself.

Amber-gold eyes meet him, attention called by utterance of her name. She ponders the question for a few seconds, enough for him to offer her the chance to ignore it; Morrigan does not. She had known the Wilds as well as the back of her hand, explored each crevice and lurked in all its shadows; beyond it, Morrigan had not seen much, never straying too far from the sole place she had called home. Traveling with the mismatched group that banded together to stop the Blight was entirely new to her; be it cities or castles or even the unpleasant underground realm of Orzammar, all of it was entirely new, if not always good. 

“With all the different people we were to call upon for aid, it would be foolish not to expect visiting vastly different places.” There is no edge of meanness to her reply, blunt as is. She does not intend cruelty nor insult by it; it is her answer, plain and simple (his approach may have made her somewhat more cordial; or maybe she is simply too tired to care overly much). That what follows is somewhat gentler is not meant, either. “To say I had a dimension of just how divergent those places would be, or of what to expect, however... I cannot say I did.”

“Before setting off with the two of you, I did not expect to see so much of what lay beyond the Wilds.” It was all she had truly known, then, and though she longed to leave and experience more, she never had. Leaving was not as easy as it sounded. “Why the question?” Though eyes narrowed, the corner of her lips turned upward slightly; she gestured their surroundings as she continued. “Awed by the loveliness of the places our journey has taken us to?”

[whaleyoufeedmenuggets]

Im too lazy to look at the questions so DO ALL OF THEM. (if you dont wanna then go on a random number generator and get 5 random numbers)

ITS REALLY LONG BUT I DID IT KJSHADJS HERE GOES i love oversharing my lifealso im putting a read more line bc its hella long

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottles

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

ehhh depends on my mood. i’d say it’s (dark) chocolate most of the time (love that 70% dark chocolate mmMmMm)

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!! except when it gets all over my face and hair o no

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

common report book comments included

- very active

- bright

- “the live wire of the class”

- usually distracted but still does well

- mischievous

- playful

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

bottles so that i can close it and save the rest for later and not have to chug it yeet

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

sportswear #sweatpantsalldayeveryday

7. earbuds or headphones?

def headphones but they’re inconvenient sometimes :/

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows!! (also, my adhd ass can’t get through a movie without zoning out oops)

9. favorite smell in the summer?

i haven’t experienced /real/ summer (thank u singapore’s tropical climate) but i rly like the smell of rain :”)

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

making up excuses to skip pe

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

belvitas before morning practice

croissant sandwich and chocolate milk after practice

if there’s no practice, then scrambled eggs from the dining hall lolol

if i’m too lazy to go to the dining hall, then cereal

12. name of your favorite playlist?

it’s literally called jams and the description is “a clusterfuck of stuff i’ve jammed to at some point”

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

gummy bears/sour patch kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

death of a salesman - arthur miller

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

with one foot up on the chair and the other leg sitting normally

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

a pair of asics sneakers

18. ideal weather?

15ºc/60ºf when its like cool but not too cold but also not ridiculously hot and also when theres no insane wind (a light breeze is fine)

19. sleeping position?

on my left side and hugging a pillow/bolster/soft toy

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

i like the feeling of pen and paper but im disorganized as hell so an apple pencil + ipad makes a good enough substitute

21. obsession from childhood?

frogs (i’ve loved them since i was 3 hehe)

22. role model?

a dude i used to train with for a while in 2014. he retired last year but he’s always looked out for me like an older brother since we trained together (he’s 8 years older than me lmao) and even thought i’m so far away rn he still checks in on me and stuff and idk he’s probably one of the swimmers i respect the most.

23. strange habits?

i cant fall asleep at night if im not hugging something.  like. it could be a pillow. or a soft toy. literally anything. once on a school trip i hugged a pair of sweatpants to sleep bc i legit cant fall asleep if im not hugging something.i have no problem falling asleep in class/on buses/cars/planes though.

24. favorite crystal?

idk i never really paid enough attention to crystals to actually have a favorite and know their names. they’re all rly pretty tho.

25. first song you remember hearing?

uhh h h i honestly can’t remember. probably some classical music bc i played the violin and that was my first experience of music that i was actually aware of????

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

switch on the aircon and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch. and swimming outdoors i guess.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

switch on the heater and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch.

do u see a pattern here

28. five songs to describe you?

jet lag - simple plan (bc time zones suck and i miss my fam & friends)

avalanche - bring me the horizon (pretty much sums up how tf my brain feels)

high hopes - p!atd

astronaut - simple plan

the reckless and the brave - all time low

29. best way to bond with you?

doing dumb shit with me

also Quality Time™️ like idk even if we’re chilling and doing our own shit i like just spending time with people im comfortable enough with

30. places that you find sacred?

idk

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

a hoodie and sweatpants

for no reason other than that’s what i wear 90% of the time

32. top five favorite vines?

I AM CONFUSION!!! AMERICA EXPLAIN

this bitch empty. yeet.

im in my mom’s car VROOM VROOM

the one of that dad playing the saxophone (???) and the kid slamming the oven door open and shut

road works ahead “haha yea sure hope it does!”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

either lmao or lolol or LMFAO or yeet

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

gOD i had spotify ads stuck in my head all the time before i switched to premium and now i cant remember any of them (thank god)

35. average time you fall asleep?

i’d say 12:30-1ish

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

the tROLL FACE MEME LIKE those rage faces idk what they’re called but BASICALLY THOSE 2010-2012 era memes

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase!!! i like sitting on them and yeeting myself around on them or getting people to push me around and then falling off

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

ngl i havent had either of them before

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

so in jc2 (aka 12th grade), for some reason PEOPLE WERE PUTTING PRE-PACKAGED HARD BOILED EGGS ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. like they were still in their wrappers and all but u could open ur schoolbag and find like 5 eggs in there. and no one knew where they came from. i think at one point there were even eggs hanging from the pull-up bars. all i know is that they were everywhere and people in my batch still remember it as the egg invasion of acjc.

41. last person you texted?

my mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

def jacket!!! especially when they have zips hehe

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

idk man depends on my mood

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

sci-fi bc im a fricken nerd

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

shirt and sweats

47. favorite type of cheese?

cheddarrr also i like mozzerrella sticks

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

a fineapple B)

lmao jk ummmm maybe a watermelon bc when u hit it it sounds hollow, just like how my skull would sound if someone hit it (h a)

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

here for a good time not for a long time

never give up without a fight

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

idk probably some dumb meme. i laugh at a lot of stuff like i laugh anything even mildly funny. some that i can think of off the top of my head are:

- i was tryna type ducky but typed fucky instead and sOmEOnE (could be the person who submitted this ask, idk tho) changed my facebook messenger nickname to fucky and the notification was like ”poopy butthole changed your nickname to fucky” and i think that’s still the funniest sentence i’ve read in my whole life

- one time we went to mcdonalds and a friend said mcfluffy instead of mcflurry and idk why but i laughed so hard at that

- once @doduo and i spent half a chinese lesson cutting out random faces from the chinese newspaper and sticking them randomly all over the classroom and idk. it was the funniest thing ever. until the teacher came over and confiscated my scissors rip.

51. current stresses?

- an essay draft (that i am procrastinating rn by doing this, oops)

- CANADIAN TRIALS (but thats a good kind of stress)

- submitting a proposal for a group project but none of my groupmates are freaking replying my texts ugh

52. favorite font?

avenir next!! i find san serif fonts way easier to read than serif lolol.i like helvetica neue too.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

dry af but also i just got my nails done so they pretty rn hehe

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i…havent had a real job yet

55. favorite fairy tale?

idk i was never rly one for fairy tales even as a kid.

56. favorite tradition?

chinese new year when we get CASH and we spend 3 days just eating junk yEET im rly sad im gonna be missing it the next few years tho

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hh h h hh hhh hh hh they’re pretty personal i don’t /really/ wanna put it out here but i can text you the answer to this if you want (i’m perfectly fine with that!!)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

- i think i’m pretty intuitive!!! i can guess anyone’s mbti if i’ve spent enough time with them/gotten a detailed enough description of them /winks/ and i can read people pretty well in general and i can draw links to themes/symbols in lit pretty well….???

- i’m somewhat decent at lettering…i think

- i’m good at pull-ups and also vertical jumps i’m secretly a froge

- i’m decent at photography…i guess….

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

yeet

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

pokemon !!

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

/sweats/ i’m not very good at remembering lines from books/movies/shows WELP

62. seven characters you relate to?

JAKE PERALTA - b99

rosa diaz - b99

linguine - ratatouille (he’s permanently confused and he let a ratto take over his job bc he had no idea what he was doing like damn what a big mood)

dory - finding nemo/finding dory (i relate to the forgetfulness)

percy jackson

kale bae /winks/

mitt (during bad phases) /winks again, but sadly/

63. five songs that would play in your club?

idek man i wouldnt even be at my own club i’d be at home taking a nap i’ll just ask someone else to handle my playlist

64. favorite website from your childhood?

club penguin !!!

65. any permanent scars?

yE one of them was from jumping onto a treadmill going at 13km/h 2 years ago bc i thought i was a good idea

66. favorite flower(s)?

i dont have any

67. good luck charms?

i eat pancakes for breakfast on meet days!!!! altho i think this is more of a habit than a good luck charm tbh lmao.

also i guess pip???? he’s my emotional support narwhal :’)

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

durian. i cant stand the stuff or anything flavored like it ugh.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

red food coloring is derived from beetles

70. left or right handed?

right

71. least favorite pattern?

overly-floral patterns i guessssss. also i hate wearing stripes.

72. worst subject?

chinese

besides that, math and physics

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i rly like vanilla ice cream and fries

also i would eat ketchup with nearly anything

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

i usually just suck it up and go to sleep when it comes to pain but i guess an 8??? idk. i usually take advil/ibuprofen only for fevers

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i got my first loose tooth on january 11 2005 and it fell out on january 18 2005 & it was a tuesday (pls don’t ask me how i remember this bc i dont know)

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

tater tots

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

cactus i guess. idk im not good at plants.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

grocery store sushi (it was pretty decent in singapore so yeeeee lmao also i ate a lot of that as a kid)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

its the same photo for both so yeAh

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

idk i always called them fireflies

82. pc or console?

console I LOVE THE FEEL OF BUTTONS

83. writing or drawing?

drawing (more like doodlign for me bc i cant draw for shit)

84. podcasts or talk radio?

neither but if i rlllllly had to choose then podcasts i guessss s sss

84. barbie or polly pocket?

neither LMAO i gave all my barbies haircuts when i was a kid bc i didnt know what to do with them

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology for sure!! i love greek mythology (may or may not be bc of percy jackson lolol)

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies

87. your greatest fear?

losing those i love and care about (could be drifting or actual death it goes both ways)

88. your greatest wish?

rn, for my essay to write itself

for the short-term, to make the olympics (and WUGs…and worlds…and sea games…and asian games…and commonwealth games lmao)

for the long-term, uhhh idk. i just wanna live a life i’m satisfied with and to have a job i actually like and to be able to support my parents

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my mom

90. luckiest mistake?

i always say that i regret doing a year of college in singapore instead of coming here for freshman year but if i’d come in a year earlier like i was supposed to, i proba wouldn’t have made it past swim team tryouts and i made some pretty great friends in my first year of college soooo it all worked out i guessi cant think of any others rn

91. boxes or bags?

bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights are rly pretty!!but i like natural light :”)

93. nicknames?

deb

debs

debo

debbo

alpha childuhh h h i think thats about it??? i cant remember any others

94. favorite season?

spring’s pretty great rni like fall too (before it gets cOLd)

95. favorite app on your phone?

insta/tumblr/telegram

96. desktop background?

a photo of me looking rly cool at the starting blocks before a race B)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4 - mine (singapore & US), my mom’s and my dad’s

98. favorite historical era?

uhh h h idk the ice age seemed pretty cool haha sike it was actually coldmedieval times seemed pretty cool too like damn i want a suit of armorWHEW I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THIS but i had fun so yeet

also if you read all the way down here ily and you’re cool

[nicoleswanderings]

Burning Man 2017

SOOOOOO What is Burning Man really like? This is the question I was asking myself just two and a half weeks ago. I first found about about this festival when I should have been too young to be intrigued, about 13 or 14 years old. I would stay up late watching youtube videos about all the art installations, the drugs, all the scandalous things you could do there, even how to pack for it, waiting until I would finally be able to go. About four months ago was when I first started telling myself I was going to make the trip, regardless of what I would have to do to make it happen. I had just turned 18 and could now legally drive myself down there without my parents and get through those dusty gates. My plan was to get a ticket through the website when they went on sale. Both times my lazy ass didn’t research it enough so the tickets fell through my hands as I got on an hour late or forgot to make my burner profile. Looking back, I am happy these things happened. Even without a ticket I was still curating how I would make this happen. I felt called to this place. Keep in mind I am still going to Thailand this October by myself so I also figured this would be a good precursor. My dad had an old Dodge truck I was thinking of driving down and sleeping in the back of. I would have to bring all my own water, food, gas, and knowledge (of which I had none). Fast forward to about 2 weeks before the festival (I hate calling it that) and a couple things had changed my plans. I had found a ticket on craigslist for $785 (yes I know I spent too much. I now know that it is part of burning man culture to not encourage ticket prices being inflated. oh well) but had totaled the truck in a horrific 3-car accident. So I needed a new way to get down there. After some research, I found out about the theme camps that make up Burning Man. They are basically groups of people that camp together and host events. They are like little mini neighborhoods inside Black Rock City. After posting in a Facebook group asking if anyone knew of a camp that was still letting members in, I found BuddhaCamp. Since this is getting really long I will fast forward more. I was part of the early arrival crew who got to the desert Wednesday to set up the kitchen, living area, Lotus Dome, shade structure, camp shower, ect. The festival was from that Sunday night to the following Sunday night. After frantically packing, I road tripped down to the desert and BuddhaCamp came alive. The perks of being in a camp are real. They take care of your food (even vegan might I add), water, shower (you only get a gallon a day) and in retrospect, most importantly, your emotional well being. I met the greatest people through this camp. Their knowledge was invaluable. 

Now for the actual festival. During the day you mostly do one of two things: ride around on your bike, going to events that other camps are hosting or hang out under the shade in your camp, waiting for the heat to subside. At night it is a different story. Think LED lights galore, loud house music and insane mutant vehicles roaming around everywhere. Mutant vehicles are also called art cars that people make and assemble. You can hop on most of them and DJ’s might be playing or you just meet cool people. Really night time is just your time to do whatever the fuck you want. It was a really odd but freeing feeling that first night for me to just think about all the possibilities and the fact that I didn’t have to think about any rules or curfews I would normally place on myself. Like as weird as this sounds, it was a very controlled and safe environment to explore yourself and this new city you had become apart of. You can pretty much choose what you want your week to be like. Want to go to bed at 10 o’clock every night and just go to talks and yoga and spiritual stuff during the day? You can do that. Want to do that during the day but get fucked up at night and not come back to camp for 3 days? You can do that. Is is the drug fest everyone says it is? Yes I think most people were on drugs. At least the people I encountered. I’m sure some people never did drugs. No one made you feel less of a human being for wanting to explore your consciousnesses with medicine. Many did also abuse it. No one judged you regardless. Also, you were never offered drugs by some stranger so it wasn’t like they were readily accessible if you didn’t know someone.

I did a mix of everything in terms of my day/night schedule. Some nights I stayed in, some nights I didn’t come back until noon. And no one is telling you to do otherwise! That’s the best part about it! One of my favorite nights was spent rollerblading on this rink I found in the middle of the desert and then stumbling upon a huge trampoline and connecting with random strangers about the stars and existence. Then 2 people from another camp and I went to the Man and talked for about 6 hours until the sun came up. When I was riding my bike back to camp this lady asks me if I wanted some fresh peaches! Of course! I love you! This world is amazing! Nothing but smiles that day. I then pulled over my bike, relaxed in a comfy dome filled with pillows another camp had provided and about an hour later made my way back to my tent for a much needed rest. It truly feels like time is not a thing out there and for someone who constantly struggles with being in the now, I had found peace inside my own mind. The connections you make are so instant and loving. There are NEVER handshakes, only hugs. Your well being is just as important to a stranger as it would be to your friend. Walls down- that’s how you meet people. ALSO, there is no money there! I never brought out my money for anything and it was really nice to not have that subconscious mind keeping tabs on what you are spending. Also, I just want to throw in that there are some really hard days on the playa. One night I promised myself when I woke up I would catch a train somewhere close and leave. I had lost hope in the place and thought it was all so fake. Then the next morning I found my connection to the world once again. It is a roller coaster but I think that is why you learn so many lessons. I definitely got to explore the depths of myself. I have so many stories to tell but I am kind of sick of typing this so I will just leave you with some lessons I learned. The world is a good place full of good people that care about you and love you. You are never alone. Be in tune with yourself and your intuition. If you find you have gone a long time without connection- to yourself, others, nature, the divine- rekindle that and put it at the top of your to-do’s! Being in that place inside myself is when I am living my best life and being the most loving. You are making yourself and in turn the world a better place to live. Learn to separate what you want from what others want. It is most important to always listen to how you feel before listening to how others feel in any situation. If you are uncomfortable, you have the power and control to leave. Just in general, find the truth in your life and pursue it. That does not involve money or social constructs. Take the chances you have been thinking about and don’t take life too seriously. Lastly, the importance of 5HTP, which is a vitamin to replenish your serotonin receptors. Bring some of that, to gift and for yourself. It saved me out there. I left with a growing heart and a big sense of unity. Hopefully I will be back next year :)

[sending-the-message]

In The City of Meatbot-Powered Killers (part 1) by molotok_c_518

EDIT: Prologue one

Prologue two

(WARNING: I can only flair this once, and I'm choosing "series." This post contains graphic violence, possibly harsh language, and several other disturbing things. You have been warned.)

Several things began to drive me out of the mall and towards the campus labs.

First and foremost, I started to see several of the afflicted outside in the parking lot, tugging on the entrance doors. They moved slowly, like they were barely able to stand, and looked like they had the strength of a kitten, but I don't doubt that, if they spotted me, I'd see them smash through the thick, tempered glass to get me.

However, aside from self-preservation, I started to feel a sense of responsibility for this whole mess. It was my brainchild that caused this: my dream of a world where even the most inaccessible tumor could be healed, terminal cancer could be outright cured, and the world become a better place... twisted before my eyes.

Some fucking "utopia."

I needed to be working on this. I needed to find a way to get this mess under some kind of control. It's my mess; I need to fix it.

So... I made a break for it.

First, I got a small cart on which to pile provisions: food (as many of the freeze-dried meals in the sporting goods shops as I could push), drinks, a case of burner smart phones, and some video games (distractions help in the thought process).

Next, I got together tough, yet baggy, clothing, and experimented until I had the layering down to my satisfaction. One or two afflicted would be hard-pressed to tear through to the meat inside my clothing. I topped this off with a hockey goalie's helmet, because it was much lighter than a football one and a pair of thick work gloves.

Finally, I switched the axe for a machete. It's lighter, and easier to swing one-handed, so I can push a cart and fight off assailants at the same time.

Now, it was a waiting game. I wasn't going to walk out into bright sunlight, as it would get too warm in my clothes and make me too easy to spot.

So, I waited for rain. It gave me some time to think.

The meatbots are basically a protein-based machine. There are no electronic parts to them: all of the programming is done via DNA. Therefore, EMP is out.

I could try antibiotics to thin them out in a host. They share some characteristics with bacteria (only infinitely more complex). If their numbers in an afflicted could be knocked down, some of the "hive intelligence" we built into them would be impaired.

Alcohol springs to mind, too. It's a college campus... surely, someone has cheap rum or whiskey or водка in their dorm. Testing the effect on the meatbots should be easy.

Once their numbers were thinned, a new injection of "good" meatbots should be able to complete the purge of the "bad" ones. They would need to be programmed to target them... have to watch Cronenberg's The Fly again for inspiration, as Seth Brundle put it very poetically when he reprogrammed the telepods for living tissue.

I saw two more afflicted (need a better name... more original... bot-ridden, there we go) lazily wandering around the parking lot on the opposite side of the mall from the road where I needed to go. They moved like they were almost out of energy, as if they had burned out.

These weren't "zombies." They were very much the opposite: free from decay, no real injuries, yet possessed of a horrible abundance of life.

Then they saw each other, and attacked.

There was a man and a woman, both clothed in shreds of clothing not fit to be rags, and emaciated to the point of anorexia. It didn't seem to affect their speed or strength, though, as they attacked with speed and ferocity.

The woman went low, and bit straight into the man's crotch. Brownish-red blood, thick with meatbots, oozed around her mouth, and he screamed... even as he fell forward on top of her and sank his teeth into her ass.

I saw it, then. They would save energy by moving slowly, until they saw a food source. Then, they'd attack.

They were running low on food energy. Most of what they consumed went to making more 'bots, leaving them very little to burn for energy.

I looked on as the woman continued to chew into the man's lower belly, while he ripped rapidly-healing chunks of flesh and muscle from her back. He was slowing, however, losing energy from the rapid movement. She didn't seem to be fazed at all, and she was arguably losing more flesh.

They were literally starving to death even as they were gorging themselves.

I wasn't going to try to calculate this out, but I figured it would be a week... maybe two... before they burned out.

...unless they got smart, laid low, and waited from more food.

The man finally got the woman off of her feet and flipped her over. A loop of intestine fell out of the ruins of his gut, and she launched herself at it even as he fell on top of her, chewing into her gut, in a gruesome parody of mutual oral sex.

I looked away. There's only so much one should have to see in a lifetime, and I was well past that limit.

I set out for the other end of the mall, pushing my cart ahead of me, looking for anything else to add to the stash as I went.

When I got there, I saw no one outside. It was early afternoon, and sun still streamed across the massive expanse of empty asphalt.

A sole bot-ridden zig-zagged on the perimeter road around the mall. He... she?... had its eyes fixed on something, and was purposefully moving towards it.

My phone picked that moment to buzz. Number blocked. I slid to answer.

"Hello?"

"Doctor {Smith}? This is Colonel {Jones}, in charge of the [REDACTED] Quarantine Zone. Are you injured?"

"No. I'm fine. Who is this?"

"Listen carefully. We need you to stay on the line so we can triangulate your position and evac you from the hot zone."

"Why?" This guy was making me nervous.

"You are the most important person in the US of A at this moment. We need your expertise to defuse this madness and return [REDACTED] to normal again."

I laughed. In my ears, it sounded horrifically bitter.

"'Normal' is gone, Colonel. The minute it got out of the lab, 'normal' died and was replaced by..." I thought of the mutual cannibalism going on at the other side of the mall. "...fifty shades of completely fucked."

Just hole up where you are, Doc. We have a SEAL team ready to drop on..."

I hung up the phone, popped the back open and yanked the battery. No way I was leading anyone else into this. Let them guess.

Clouds began to drift in front of the sun, and I saw the wind start to push some empty wrappers around the lot. A storm was moving in, right on schedule.

I very slowly pushed open a door, and readied a piece of duct tape to stick over the latch.

The bot-ridden kept walking. I hadn't made enough noise to alert it to my presence. Nevertheless, I held the machete ready.

I slapped the tape over the latch, and pulled the cart after me as I moved through the door. After some awkward maneuvering and some soft cursing as I rolled the cart over my fucking foot, I got the cart on through the door, pushed the door to as silently as I could, and slowly rolled the cart to the perimeter road.

Rain began to spit from the clouds above me. More to the point, it wasn't terribly hot in the soft makeshift armor I wore.

The worst was the utter quiet.

No cars. No planes. No animal noises. No people noises.

[REDACTED] was a tomb, filled with awful inhuman life. It gave me a terrible case of the chills.

About a half hour into the trip to the campus, I saw a small group of people in the distance. Curious, I stopped and pulled out a pair of binoculars.

They were clearly bot-ridden: all of them were skinny as rails, wearing shredded, blood-stained scraps of cloth, and moving slowly to conserve energy.

All of them were on their knees in a circle, hands clasped in front of their chests, whispering words I had no chance at hearing.

They seemed to be praying.

After a few minutes, one of them, a small boy or girl, laid down in the center of the circle. The rest bent over the child.

Then, they began to eat.

I stopped watching and continued on.

If I live through this... I will make some poor therapist's entire career. If they stay sane long enough to write about it all.

I felt a thrill of hysterical laughter start to grow at the pit of my stomach, and stomped down on it. Hard. I didn't have time to crack, out in the open where a bit-ridden could jump me.

I was definitely going to get good and drunk when I got to the labs, though.

The rain continued to escalate as I walked, turning into a steady, soaking rain as I reached the campus entrance. No one was in sight.

It really hammered home the devastation that the meatbots had wrought: no students wandering between classes; no gaggles of sorority girls giggling among themselves; no random students studying on the quad...

The future was just gone.

I was still very careful as I crept across campus to the labs. The quiet magnified every squeak of the cart's wheels, every breath I took, every rock I kicked. The rain hissed, and drowned some of the noise out, but it was still far too nerve-wrackingly quiet.

It took fifteen more minutes to reach the door.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and dug into a pocket for my card.

At that moment, a bot-ridden male came around the corner.

It was a head taller than me, emaciated to the point that all of the spare flesh had been melted from it by the terrible engines of healing that he had been infected with. Its pale blue eyes locked on me, through the grill of my helmet.

"Fuck," I breathed.

It lunged, screaming.

I took a swipe, low, going for a knee, even as I ducked under its attempted grab. The machete bit straight into its thigh, and it went down hard. I took another chop at it, and the thigh bone cracked. It tried to roll over and lunge away, and I got the back of its leg, severing it.

Immediately, the bot-ridden grabbed the leg and began chewing on it, giggling and crying, as the leg began to knit itself back into place.

I got the door open, and pulled my cart into the building, just as four more came screaming around the building. I grabbed the door handle, pulling it hard to get the door closed as fast as I could before the screaming horde got in.

It was very close. One of them got some fingers in the door, and I took them off with the machete; when it yanked its hand back, the door pulled to with the satisfying clunk of a mag-lock.

A few minutes in the chemistry section's emergency shower, and I felt safe enough to peel out of the layers of sweat-, rain- and bot-soaked clothing.

I'm safe now.

Time to get to work.

(NOTE: By order of the US Department of Homeland Security, sections of this have been censored for the safety of the public by a web-crawler, to ensure that private citizens do not enter the [REDACTED] Quarantine Zone and become infected with this dangerous pathogen. Thank you for your cooperation.)

[passportrequired]

Traveling While Vegan & Staying Sane

Bring snacks This is absolutely essential. Before you leave town, stock up on easy-to-carry healthy(ish) emergency snacks. Energy bars, dried fruit, trail mix, nuts. (If there’s a Trader Joe’s near you, you’ve hit the motherload.) On short trips (10 days or less), get one snack for each day you’ll be traveling. Get a variety of flavors.

Don’t listen to yourself in the store when you say, “Blech, energy bars. Those things are so dry!” These puppies will save your life on the road. Even if you don’t end up eating them all, you can give them away to someone in need and you’ll be their best friend for the day.

Get access to a kitchen Given a choice between accommodation options, choose one where you get the use of a kitchen. A stove with pots and pans and random spices makes life so much easier. Even if you don’t feel like cooking, you can rinse off that fruit that you bought at the farmer’s market, or cut up veggies to eat as fresh snacks during the day.

If you have to stay in a hotel, try to at least to choose one with a little fridge. That way you can bring leftovers home and eat those for breakfast while everyone else is chewing on cow legs or whatever.

Relentlessly pursue new foods I don’t have to say this, right? This planet offers such a wide variety of plants for us to choose from. Now that you’re traveling you can get your hands on even more! Woot!

Clean your produce properly In some countries (I’m looking at you, Mexico), you can get the serious runs (and worse) if you eat produce without washing it properly. Cleaning it with tap water that’s not drinkable does nothing to improve the situation, and using bottled water to clean produce is not sustainable.

So in the market, buy yourself a tiny bottle of produce wash (look for Microdyn or Bacdyn in Mexico, Take you zinc lozenges supplements when you can too since theyre a good alternative) designed to get rid of unhealthy stuff (fertilizer, contact with contaminated water and people’s hands) on the outside of produce. Read the instructions for specific measurements and time, but the process goes like: Put a few drops into a container of tap water. Soak your produce in it for the designated number of minutes, et voila! Remember to air dry or pat dry; don’t jank it up again by rinsing it with plain tap water.

Detailed instructions on cleaning fruit and avoiding cross-contamination exist on Kathleen is Cooking in Mexico.

In places where the tap water is potable, you can rinse your produce with a vinegar solution. NY Times says 1 part vinegar to 9 parts tap water, then rinse with plain tap water for at least 30 seconds.

People might tell you that washing your produce is silly and unnecessary. But when plants are all you eat, your chances are of eating bird poop, cow manure or hand sweat along with your meal are greater than someone who only eats plants as a side dish. Think about it. Then go wash your hands.

Research your options in advance Being vegan has become less and less of a big deal. How much effort it takes to stay happily fed will depend on where you are, how open you are to trying new foods, and how well you prepare.

Portland vs. Dallas can make a difference. Mexico City vs. Huatulco can make a difference. So before you get there (or before you get hungry) map out some places that will definitely (or most likely) have food that’ll make your tummy happy. Find out when and where the farmers markets are.

Get on Yelp and create a collection of restaurants, coffee shops, and bakeries that excite you. Put out a bat signal to your favorite traveling vegans and ask for recommendations. What’s in season and are some local foods that you really want to try?

Get creative If you’re in a place that’s less than veg-centric, you’re going to have to get creative. This doesn’t mean you need to be a pain in the ass. You know the person who orders a salad with “extra, extra cheese. Extra, extra dressing on the side. Light lettuce.” Don’t be that person.

But do tell the waiter that you don’t eat meat or dairy (probably best to spell it out clearly rather than use the word vegan, which could be interpreted in many ways) and that you’re open to their suggestions. If you’re in a group, let the idea percolate while everyone else orders.

Often, you can pull together a great meal by ordering just side dishes. Can you have breakfast for dinner? If you see someone at the next table eating something that floats your boat, politely ask them or the waiter what it is and what’s in it. Can you get that without the fried egg on top? If all else fails, throw yourself at the mercy of the chef. Ask them to create a vegan plate for you with what they have in the kitchen.

Whatever the waiter ends up setting down in front of you, be gracious and enjoy the present company.

Think ahead Nothing at the breakfast bar but rooster feet and fish heads? Yeah, that sucks so bad. Remember to at least grab a banana for later. And at some point while you’re out, remember to pick up something for the next day’s breakfast. Be on the lookout for farmers markets, street vendors and stores with prepared dishes. If you happen to find a vegan store in a meat-centric place, rejoice and replenish — and ask the staff for recommendations.

No need to turn your journey into a foraging expedition (unless you like those). Just be ready to pounce on opportunity when you stumble upon it. And ask anyone you’re traveling with to tell you if they see any particularly delicious looking produce.

Eat before you get hungry In the desert, if you wait until you’re thirsty to drink water, you’re probably already dehydrated. Similarly, a veghead with hangry tendencies, must avoid waiting to eat until you turn into

I have an unfortunate flaw: The hungrier I get, the pickier I get. So the longer I wait, the less likely I am to find something that I’m willing to eat. I traveled to Puerto Rico with a friend (then boyfriend) who learned to recognize my signs of hunger. With a slight look of panic on his face, he would quickly steer us towards a fruit stand or a cafe before I could get too grouchy and lose my sense of humor/direction.

Don’t be that girlfriend.

Flex if you have to This is a tough one. I remember finding out that the bread in the supposedly vegan sandwich I’d eaten a week before had egg in it. I felt sad and a little sick inside.

There are situations where you have to choose the lesser of two evils. One day it will come down to choosing between a pounding hunger headache or eating a little fish sauce in your veggie pad thai. Or your host will spent an entire day cooking a special welcome meal for you that happens to have a little butter in it (“You don’t eat butter either?”).

The reasons people have for being vegan run deep. Some are vegan for health reasons, but for many it’s about valuing all life. So there’s that. And then there is the value of appreciating the hospitality and kindness of other humans. It’s a tough call; only you can decide what’s right for you in these situations. But sometimes, you have to flex in order to: 1. Get the hell off the hangry train, or 2. not be an asshole to another person who’s sincerely trying their best to accommodate you.

If you end up needing to flex on one meal, don’t kill yourself over it. And don’t get on everyone’s last nerve by talking about it for hours. Just do your best to live by your values, and if you stumble, redemption is only as far as your next meal.

Happy travels! Eat well!

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Passport Required’s List of Amazing Vegan Options Worldwide:1. The Hungry Herbivore: Western Cape, South Africa 2. My Vegan Sweet Tooth: Virginia Beach, Virginia 3. Krawummel: Muenster, Germany 4. Hug Life: Garden Grove, California 5. RawAttitude Healthy Deli: Malaga, Spain 6. The Veggie Grill: Los Angeles, California 7. Cook and Book: Seoul, South Korea 8. Loving Cafe: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia 9. Little-Heaven: Kyoto, Japan 10. Veganerie Soul – Siam Paragon: Bangkok, Thailand 11. Loving Hut – Lake Klopein: St Kanzian, Austria 12. Next Level Burger: Bend, Oregon 13. Atlas Meat-Free Delicatessen: Hollywood, Florida 14. Puerto Vegan, Siempre Sano: Puerto Morelos, Mexico 15. Bluesomeone’s Vegan Cafe: Taichung, Taiwan 16. Raw: Chicago, Illinois 17. Natural Efe Macrobiotic World: Phuket, Thailand 18. Avant Garden: New York City, New York 19. Sweet Theory Baking Co.: Jacksonville, Florida 20. La Palanche d’Aulac: Paris, France 21. The Herbivorous Butcher: Minneapolis, Minnesota 22. Panda Vegan Restaurant: Sao Paulo, Brazil 23. Green Point: Cusco, Peru 24. De Herbivoor: Groningen, Netherlands

Traveling While Vegan & Staying Sane was originally published on Passport Required