#the only time i see her is when im in class
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Angel - Paige bueckers
part 3
• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}
• warnings {drug use, angst}
• comment if you would like to be added to the taglist
bella’s pov
“ok you can go now” she says, emotionless
“oh”
“i mean, no offence but i have a girl coming soon, so you cant be here” she says laying on her back, breaking our eye contact
i don’t respond and put my clothes back on. this is fucked
“have a nice night”
i haven’t cried this much in months, walking through the halls, ugly crying.
‘paige’ has been blocked by ‘bella’
“bella whats wrong” avery says, empathetically
“i hate her, i hate her so much” i cry, barley being able to choke the words out
i look at avery after my response and i have never seen her that angry, there could fully be steam coming from her ears.
“please dont talk to her, please dont hurt her, please avery, please” i cry out, begging the infuriated girl
“why not bella, she deserves it” she yells
my tears dont stop and i feel like they will never stop pouring.
“tell me what she did”
i begin the tell her the events of tonight and her anger only grows.
“that fucking bitch” is all she can say in response
“but i blocked her, and im literally never gonna speak to her again” i say, trying to make a positive point, to counteract this negative situation
“you are never gonna speak to her again”
“im gonna go off to bed”
i feel broken, i got used. i wanted my first time with a girl to be meaningful, i know i like girls and i wanted to prove to myself that having sex with girls wasn’t wrong, but i feel wrong, i feel gross. i cant believe i would let myself be that vulnerable with someone i barley know. ive never been the one to have one night stands and ive only ever had sex with someone ive been in a relationship with.
i take my valium, something i swore to never use again after getting addicted, but its the only thing that works.
“hey, how are you feeling” avery ask’s, genuinely. i’ve never seen her be this gentle before
“wheres my weed”
“bella no”
“shut up avery”
i walk to the kitchen and unlock one of the drawers, and i see the stash. thank god
i know i shouldn’t smoke as a coping mechanism, but its the only thing that works, every time something bad happens to me, i turn to smoking
after going through 3 joints, im barley able to talk or stand up. perfect
knock
ugh
knock
fuck off
knock
“who is it” i say, it barley even sounded like words
“its azzi, is avery here”
who the fuck is azzi
“avery theres a bitch here for you” i say taking another drag
“oh my god! hey azzi” avery says, excitedly, why the fuck is she acting like that
“why are you so fucking happy” i ask, knowing full well how rude i sound
“this is azzi, shes in my psychology class and we have gotten pretty close” avery says, grabbing azzi and sitting next to me on the couch
“yo dont sit on my shit” i say, mad
“your bella right?” azzi says, happily. i hate happy people
“yeah”
“yeah avery’s told me alot about you” she says
“cool” i reply, dryly
“azzis on the basketball team” avery says, my eyes widen
“of course she is” i say, sarcastically. i hate basketball
“yeah, have you been to any games” she questioned, attempting to continue this boring conversation
“nah, i dont watch basketball”
“oh well you should sometime, avery keeps saying how she wants to go to a game” azzi says, looking at avery who begins giggling. sus
“bella your probably friends with some people on the team” avery says
“you wanna hit” i offer to azzi
“nah, i dont smoke”
“boring” i say, bluntly
“do you guys mind if some of my friends come over” azzi says
“no, no, thats perfectly fine” avery says, looking at azzi. basically eye fucking her
“who” i ask
“ice, kk, aubrey, nika and ashlee” she lists
fuck my life. im to high to care
“yeah whatever” i say, lazily
“ok perfect, ill tell them to come” azzi says, excitedly
“are you sure” avery whispers to me, being nice. for once
“i dont give a fuck, its fine” i say taking a drag
im so high. god damn
10 minutes later all of azzis friends turn up, why are they all so tall. what the fuck
avery introduces herself to them and points them to our couch
“hey im kk, your bella right” kk asks
“yeah im bella”
“hey im ice”
“hey im nika”
“hey im ashlee”
“hey im aubrey”
to many people to remember
until
“oh paige came to, i hope you dont mind” azzi says to us, mostly avery
avery says nothing, myself included
“hi paige” avery says, extremely cold
“come sit guys” azzi says, breaking the silence. i wish i wasn’t so high cause i wanna go to my room
everyone sits on the couch, paige sitting the furthest away from me. funny. not funny. not laughing
conversation begins and everyone is involved. everyone but me, ugh i’m so uncomfortable
paige keeps looking at me, and yes i’m noticing because i’m looking at her to.
paige’s pov
fuck. why do i keep looking at her.
she blocked me last night so obviously shes mad about my actions last night, its just a hookup, nothing more.
its not that deep
“i’m going to bed” bella says, slurring and barely able to stand up. i didn’t know she smoked that much, i guess i don’t know anything about her. but i don’t care.
“paige are you ready to go” kk and ice say to me
“yeah, aubrey, nika, azzi, u ready to go”
“yeah lets go”
“actually im gonna stay” azzi says. sus
“buy guys” is said in unison
azzis pov
“ugh finally” avery says, while smashing her lips onto mine
A/N: im being active rn lolll. how do we like avery and azzi
#paige bueckers x reader#paige bueckers headcannons#paige bueckers smut#paige bueckers fic#paige bueckers#uconn#uconn women’s basketball#uconn huskies#uconn wbb#azzi fudd#nika muhl#kk arnold
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LOOL YES!! That's what you get Alastor!! Cursed cat!Alastor adores Vox and would never hurt him. Honestly it'd be hilarious if Vox does an interview that night and the entire hotel (plus Lucifer) catches it and Cursed cat!Alastor is on Vox's shoulders just purring away and happily nuzzling Vox's screen and being happily petted and Alastor is gripping his fixed staff, grinding his fangs, jealousy leaking from him.
Charlie is pleased: "Alastor, I knew you could find that cat a good home! Thank you! =D"
Everyone else is fucking shocked. They know Alastor threw that cat at the Vees for entertainment and hell raising purposes (and in Husk's case, a way to try and get Vox to come back to him. Most of Alastor's schemes involving the Vees always, always revolve about getting Vox back.)
The interview is about a new product of Voxtech, but at the end of it, they ask about Vox's new pet and Vox just puffs up, proud as can be:
Vox: "This little demon just charged into the lobby, brutally attacking my staff! 2 or 3 died, I think 4 or 5 were maimed so I of course had to keep him! Isn't that right, Venom? (Cause Vox thought he had rabies....and he foams at the mouth when he attacks...so...and the V theme.) Isn't he precious?"
*sir is fine, for future reference. but YEAH, alastor would definitely be seething with rage- like whole fucking cartoon ass face too, he's NOT having the time of his life rn. why the FUCK was vox petting that hellspawn???? that should've been HIM ???????????
also venom is a perfect name for that little shit, honestly, though ill be fr i can only think of the. You know. Venom.
anyway whatever here's another writing snip. (vv short because i have morning classes tmw and im going to freak if im late again) you guys are greedy asf but whatever ill provide like any good father would
"Oh, dear... and he *kept* it, is that right?" Rosie gasps as she watches Alastor grip his hair tightly, head cradled in his hands. She giggles as she continues teasing the poor demon, "My, Alastor, isn't he quite the catch? Compassionate and caring to boot, not to mention that he seems to be *quite* popular among the denizens of Hell!"
"Rosie, my dear, please. Stop talking. For the love of God, stop talking," Alastor's ears flatten more as he begs his friend, Rosie merely laughing softly in delight as she watches.
"You can hardly blame me for being curious, Alastor! I mean, you always refused to take your sweet little picture box to Cannibal Town when the two of you were still talking... why, I had to learn of your dalliance through Mimzy! And, not to devalue my beloved's qualities, of course, but she's *hardly* the greatest source of information one can find-- I married her out of love, not for her communication skills."
"That *thing* probably has rabies," Alastor spits out, looking as if he'd just swallowed a particularly bitter pill. "I don't *understand* what he sees in it!"
"Well, it does look quite like you," Rosie points out leisurely. She takes a sip out of her teacup before continuing, "Perhaps he's treating it as a substitute for you? You know, in the way that some would treat their plushs like pets, he's treating his pet as... well, you."
Alastor narrows his eyes at her. "Vox *knows* that if he wanted to talk to me, he could easily just go over and tune into our shared frequencies. He's *replacing* me with it, Rosie, I just know it!"
"Hm... well, in that case, why don't you just go and make it clear to him that you aren't replacable?" Rosie taps the edge of her cup with a knowing glint in her abyssal black eyes, holding her good friend's gaze steadily. "You've never shyed away from confrontation before, have you, Alastor? Why be hesitant now?"
Alastor licked his lips, staring down in his lap before he picked up his own teacup and downed the liquid inside like a shot.
"Thank you for hosting me today, Rosie. I think... I've reached a conclusion."
A knowing smirk crosses the Cannibal Overlord's face. "Of course you have. I expect to be formally introduced to your lovely little muse soon, you understand?"
"Yes, my fair lady," Alastor rolls his eyes with amusement. "But you had better not try and take a bite of him."
"Who, little old me? I'd never, dear!"
"You had better not," Alastor frowns. Though his tone is joking, his expression falls flat.
Elsewhere, in the Entertainment District, Vox sneezes into Venom's fur as he cradles the fluffball of red fur. The freaky kitten turns to look up at him with a questioning look, but he only ruffles Venom's ears apologetically.
"Sorry, Ven. I don't know what came over me just now- oh, look at this! Should we get you this collar, or that one...?"
#ran rambles#chai writes#hazbin hotel#general asks#radiostatic#cursed cat alastor#the sneezing is because of the superstitition by the way#where if someone speaks about you you sneeze
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These are so fun! I love your ideas and thoughts!! If I’m annoying, please say so!
I have yet another hehe!
Do you have any headcannons about College AU! Nat? What would she do/study & what to you think Reader would be like? Enemies to lovers? Or besties? Im all ears!!
Ooo yes!
I feel like Nats an athlete. Softball perhaps
As for studies, this may be unusual as I can't recall ever seeing it before, but I feel like perhaps she'd go for some sort of degree in Forensics. I mean, Nats smart and analytical. She can problem solve, and I feel like something about crime scenes would intrigue her and this job would be giving her that knowledge that she helped someone/someone's family get justice/closure and I feel that's all fitting for her character. (Maybe she even contemplated going to the academy to be a police officer, until she remembers how corrupt and authoritarian they are in the states)
I think, being both athletic and a bit nerdy that she doesn't have time for much socializing. She can probably only go to a few parties. So I think she knows R from one of her classes, probably admires her from afar a bit but also is hesitant about her because shes in a sorority and Nat knows how judgemental girls in those can be.
But at one of those rare parties they both have enough liquid courage to actually talk to each other. And they quickly discover that they get on like a house on fire.
I think both would want to rush right in because they feel so drawn to the other, but feeling that way so fast scares both so they both force themselves to take things slow. Which goes well, cute little dates and dorm/apartment sleepovers, lots of texts and kisses shared.
But things change when R goes to a party, with friends but without a studying Nat, and she gets hit on. It doesn't stress her much, it's just part of college life, but when she tells Nat about it upon her return, the redhead practically pounces.
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shoutout 2 this person in my class who i can tell wants 2 talk 2 me really bad but instead of doing that whenever she has the chance she'll talk 2 whoever else is around and ignore me entirely unless im mentioned by name
#bruh lmao#so awkward. say something you dingus lol#ik you wanna talk 2 me so bite the bullet already#gyatt#spacie spoinks#literally. she was having a conversation with my partner for the project im doing. and like#heres the thing#if im not invited into conversation i usually dont participate#im like a vampire like that#and so like. after they're done conversating she'll just kind of. stand there. this has happened twice now#like dude sdkfjshlkdfj#im not upset by this behavior i have very awful social patterns as well and have been thru this (i am autistic)#am i gonna hafta say something. lol#probably#''hey bro whats up with you. i dont mean like how are you doing. i mean like. whats wrong with you.''#cant say that its not funny when you say it irl only when the ppl you're talking with know you're not being mean 😭#also like. this person has been staring at me lol#which like. makes me flustered so whenever she's around i panic and my face fucking turns red its god awful#for awhile it made uhh. my paranoia get really bad im ngl!!#its already bad when it comes 2 being around strangers but this like made it REALLY bad for a few weeks#im more calm now tho. rational brain won over and im chillin#i gotta work up the courage 2 say something b4 the semester is over or this is gonna bother me for the rest of my life sfkjsdhflkjs#i dont wanna put her on the spot#the only time i see her is when im in class#and . doing that interaction in front of ppl. i dont wanna embarrass her ksjfskjd
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it was a small passing comment in the story but when its mentioned Sheila saw her dog get beaten to death when she was a kid and it made her feel like humankind was just like that (+ her sister's murder afterwards cementing that worldview)... augh.
#fugo.txt#like. idk i feel like im repeating myself but i cant stress this shit enough man. she was just a little girl#she was like 10#damn.#and like by that point she had already very much gone thru a lot of death. her parents were gone and the only family she had was her sister#and the only friend she had was her dog.#and then they both died. and she saw them die. right after the other. and then she was completely alone#idk looking at it thru that lense its not surprising at all that she decided to do all that. she was grieving and she didn't have anyone-#-to guide her in that. and the only logical progression she could fathom is that whoever killed her sister should suffer the same.#and deep down she knows she's doing this for herself because she doesn't KNOW what else to do. and she feels guilty. what would clara even-#think of her? and even if she's all oh illuso is dead and he suffered. so she can rest easy. you can SEE she never got any closure at all.#thats why she froze up when fighting against kocaqi. his sister also died right in front of him. but he did what she couldnt do#he gave her peace of mind. he gave her a dignified death. she died happy. clara didnt. and sheila can NEVER give that to her#all she can do is posthumously give her peace by murdering her murderer. but would Clara want that?#ugh man. its 2:30 am i should be sleeping i have a class to retake at 11:50#but. man..#please take the time to think of her tjis december
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tag limit hit ho gayi yaar
#haan toh main kya bol rahi thi.#haan unhone sab itna jaldi kiya cheek pe kiss bhi kiya i was like arey please no aap rakho itne saare paise i can't 😭#cause she already bought me that hoodie for like 700 rs#she was like i can't be here for your birthday na#bhai meko toh rona hi aa gaya itna saara pyaar i swear mere parents ko iska 1% bhi nahi hai mujhse😭😭#and money has been tight bachpan se cause shit happened in like 2013 or something and since then we've all been single#mindedly striving for highest paying jobs best education and now that she's finally there (touchwood)#i think it means a lot to her being able to spend money freeely for her loved ones#and with her idk i do believe that she loves me yes because she said ek baari when she was crying because kuch kuch hua tha#but also attending meeting office ki online rote hue sob karte hue kyunki parents time dekhkar thodi na ladte hai#and i didn't know how to help her and i knew they were. fighting subah se and she hadn't eaten anything so i made her cornflakes ka doodh#(her fav) and gave it to her table pe but it just made her sob much much harder and she couldn't drink it😭#but later on she said ki im so thankful i have you mujhe dikh raha tha ki you wanted to help but you didn't know kaise karu still you tried#and just you being there was enough in that moment#like i don't know why im thinking all this today maybe because bua is here home and she was home that time too it happened in front of her#all this she's the only person who knows what kinda shit dad does#and just. past few weeks i really genuinely wanted to kms like i would sit in morning class and i would look down at my hands and see the#veins and think one cut and it would all be over you're so tired i know you can rest now#it got so bad that i started wearing full sleeve clothes only so i couldn't look at them#but now. i won't say it's completely gone that feeling but like#i want to live because so many plans i have to with my sister how can i leave her alone#like not just for her but for me for us i want us to be happy together like we planned#like yk us as a unit doing things we've always dreamed of visiting places and bachelorette parties and clubbing and living with her and her#bf/husband when i need somewhere to run to and going on a no budget shopping spree and storing ice cream tubs in our house#like they used to do in american movies and her having kids me getting over my disgust for them helping her raise them clean them being#the masi and#I DON'T KNOW OKAY OMG😭#i felt so loved finally after a long time SACH MEIN real way mein#oh pata hai she also offered to pay mere tui ki fees bc i was complaining to mom ki papa kaise taunt maarte hai😭#like it's 20 fucking thousand waise toh kam hi hai but as a salaried person it's still a lot 😭
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I kinda feel like I've just hard erased any happiness or elation I had from being done with school all just so I wouldnt get asked a stupid question anymore I hate this I hate this
#gamer txt.#not once have i actually fucking wanted to go to college this was just the only way to make ppl stop asking me about jobs#but im realising now that was a stupid decision and i hate that i made it i hate tgat i had the chance to back out and didnt#the only thing that made school worth it before was my friends that was the only time id get to see them#now im going back to school completely without them like a fucking idiot#i know college is different from highschool i get that and i do want to learn fab weld but fuck me this was dumb#i know damn well im not going to make any new friends during this course im more terrified of people than ive ever been#and i stick out from my class like a sore thumb#whats worse is my nervousness from this has started fucking with my appetite and hunger and that is the worst possible thing it could do#that is like the number one way to break me#im already in such a vulnerable state i do not need constant fucking reminders of trauma i cant fucking escape#and im meant to just be normal and be a person and go to class on monday?#im this close 👌 to just dogging it. im pretty sure ill be getting the train in like i could full well just fuck off and leave#its not like they have my mums number she wouldnt know any different from what i told her#can i not just stay in the purgatory of being a teen old enough to be done with school but young enough to not have a job forever ?#please? im not ready for this im not i couldnt be less ready for this why did i let myself succumb to this pressure? i hate it#g-d i havent cried in. months now. this feels so. this is too much this is way too much fot me i cant do this#i dont know how i thought i could when the hell have i ever been able to do something like this on my own#theres nothing to me on my own i dont have any confidence i dont have any strength i need my friends for that and i dont have them
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HI GUYS i am so sorry for the sudden drop in activity between allergies + college im just gonna clear off the rest of this week . i may do a big group type thing to catch up w/o giving myself too much extra work BUT i hope everyone is well!! <3
#not art#meandering#i did get a haircut today and every time i see myself in the mirror i startle myself a little bc i forget i got one AHBKJHDG#i have two exams next week . and a speech i have to give the week after and one of my classes is JUST NOW handing out assignments#OH YEAH my allergy symptoms r dealt with im normal again BAHBDJKFHGBDF when it gets bad it gets bad#this is my attempt at the fallen family guy pose without taking it too seriously#OH YEAH for a lot of you new followers: this is kaden shes my fursona of almost ten years (WELL she turns nine in november)#and i celebrate her birthday bc shes important to me shes my original meowmeow#also please keep me in your thoughts im on campus all day tomorrow and i really do not want to be i am no longer having fun/enjoying#my wednesdays . i only rlly enjoy one class on monday and its math . thats how bad it is BAHAHA no but rlly my stats prof is a sweetheart#hes very nice. he gave me an extension on a quiz i rlly didnt need but regardless :-)
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Love the thought of kiryu losing nishikiyamas lighter fucking instantly after he gave it to him. Like he leaves it in the car and nishiki is nice enough to re-gift it to him when they meet up again and then two weeks after that whole fiasco kiryu loses it again and nishiki just buys him those cheap packs of like fifty plastic lighters because this is why they cant have nice things and he hates (loves) him so much
#Yakuza loveblog#like as sweet as it is to have kiryu hold on to that thing forecer (his lighter now) i think he really has a problem with commitment. its#not like he doesnt treasure it. he just does a lot of backflips and jumping around and things inevitably fall out of his pockets#i believe in my heart that kiryu is always losing shit and taking nishikis without permission and breaking it sometimes. like yknow#younger brother behaviour. thats why nishikis always hounding him because hes suffered greatly from kiryus whims#his whimsicality. his ability to wander literally everywhere. i think kiryu played truant in school a lot#like very early on he knew it wasnt for him so hed stalk the streets in his school uniform and climb up or under fences and rip up his skirt#and knees and then when he meets up with nishiki and yumi again hes like hey wanna come lepak in this abandoned building i found ? and theyd#be like YEAH !!!! and bring yuko along too because i love her and she should get to cut her arm open on a rusty metal screw and have to be#sent to the hospital as little girls are prone to doing. i love talking about kiryu in his school uniform god .. i really ... like i just#know he would use it to its fullest like i have a very clear image in my minds eye of kiryu as a kid all covered in dirt from climbing into#gardens and dusty old buildings morning to afternoon and carrying cool rocks around in his skirt and when he gathers them all in a pile he#just dusts off his skirt and its literally still covered in dirt and mud and dust but he does not give a shit. like it would literally be#ripped up the back because hes always sliding down concrete slopes and banisters and im sure hes cut his leg open before and just bled.#all over his nice boue uniform and then limped home and soaked it in a bucket to wear tomorrow. like i see kiryu with a lot of free time and#he never does homework and is failing all his classes by choice because he alrrady knows what he wants to do. like hes only failing because#he doesnt show up for exams and hes literally the bad boy that the girls always ask nishiki to introduce them to like omg is kazuko your#sister ?? can you give her this letter ... and nishiki opens it and reads it first and its a love letter and he just gives it to kiryu like#there are hot girls in your area who want you desperately and kiryus like oh. neat. im skipping school again tomorrow btw do not tell oyasan
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#focus who? i dont kno her#its so bad. i csnt focus at all. and ive got way too much to do. take me back to last week where i spent hours reading papers#annoying. also possibly lack of sleep cstching up with me#do u ever get very little sleep and not miss it at all? yea bitch all the time. then i get depressed and its sleepy time#and by sleepy time i mean i get like 8hrs of sleep lol#maybe ill just do nothing and completely fuck over my sunday lol#maybe i should go run up thr mountain rn before im stuck in a car for 2 hrs#bc im getting spikes of being insane. unfortunately i have no emotional object permanence so when i feel crazy its like#ive always felt like this ans its terrible forever. and then immediately afterward im like lol wot? nah im fine. ive always been fine#shout out to mood swings ✌️ like bro im trying to get materials together so i can teach a class. can u shut the fuck up? and focus?#well see how i do today with a ton of socializing. itll b fine. im normal i can b normal#or i can b endearing quirky. or whatever i usually i am. i dont think i have conversations like a normal person but i cant tell bc im not#there for conversations im not in. whatever everyone else has conversations in a way thats boring. i just wanna grill ppl til i understand#how they work. and then feel like im gonna die if im in a group conversation 🙃 let me study thr ppl around me#bc im very normal. god. i promise irl im not that weird. ppl think im nice and cool and successful#ok maybe not cool. but i think i can get away with being interesting. i got at least a lil charisma. im only a bit horribly awkward ;-]#but i try to own it. wtf was i saying. jesus. i cant with my brain rn. i shoulf have gone for a run this morning#being social just makes me anxious so im babbling i guess. but itll b fun. and itll b pretty im sure#maybe ill try to draw my ocs while im not paying attention. ive neglected them for so long 😭#unrelated
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I MADE MORE FRIENDS . !!
#yesterday and today aaaaaa :) i thought i was gonna be miserable but no#yesterday i arrived at drawing class and i thought the girls from last time [3 weeks ago] barely remembered me/were annoyed by me. but no#i arrived at class [packed w like 70 ppl who all dont know each other] and they scream MY NAME :D [greetinf]#like right as i stepped into the class they were in the middle of it#so i say hi to them and also these two guys who i rly like that i had met before starting class while on a trip w friends who i was hoping#i could talk to. well we all sit outside clas to work together so we talk a lot and its really cool and i love them already!#and today i was scared bc i knew only 1 girl from design class [ok actually 3 more hut 1 is more like a classmate thing and the other 2 we#talked once and i dont remember their names] b i arrived and didnt see her so i sat alone scared then i saw her and went over to her table#n i made friends with her friends theyr really cool! especially this one guy i sat next to we talked a lot it seems like we are similar#and in the other 2 theoric clases i know this 2 girls that i also shar drawing with and theyre both really sweet so its cool!#bad thing is that all of them are in diff careers than me [graphic design architecture and textile design] i havent mer anyone from mine#[<- image and sound design]#so im scared next year ill know no one again! but atill im so happy en#yesterday was so fun with these guys#and like one of the guys i knew when i met him i was like waow hes so cool i wish we could be friends but ill prob never see himagain#AND THEN I SAHRE A CLASS W HIM . i though maybe hed be annoyed but no he made conversation asked me questions + asked be to b in his group#anyway the teacher separated ghe groups and made them themselves but eitherway! hes so cool and weird. and the girls are great too like#super kind and sweet and it wa svery fun#spikeposting
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#mine#was thinking about this before falling asleep last night.#lately i keep having moments and interactions that are kind of slowly changing the way i think about myself#and others#and the way that i relate to people etc#i had a conversation with my friend the other day where he kind of singlehandedly blew up a ton of my negative#thought patterns and habits related to other people and my self and my perception of myself etc#and then also two days ago at work#this girl came in#ok backstory. in WINTER OF LAST YEAR so like a whole entire year ago#me and her met in this little 2 credit class#and i was working at this same job back then too and she would bump into me when i was on the clock#and she recognized me so we'd chat a little bit#but never rly like friends or anything#but then in the spring she continued to say hi and chat when she saw me at work#AND THEN AGAIN IN THE FALL#AND AGAIN IN THE WINTER THIS YEAR.#we only see each other at my job now but she still says hi every time and like smiles and makes conversation#and it's like ?!?!?!?!#and like on thursday she was like how are you!! and i was like [small pause] im good!#and she was like i heard that hesitation!! you okay? and i was like well you know just a day and i kinda laughed it off#(it was a weird day though)#and she was just very nice and i was like !?!?!?#and then also this quarter i had spanis hclass with this guy#who was always pretty cool and friendly and we got along#and then on thursday HE came into my job too and he was like eden!! hey! and i was like omg hey!!!#and he was like are you taking [the class that comes after the class we just took] next quarter and i was like yeah#and he was like with who? and i was like [professor] and he was like me too!!#and i was like omg monday wednesday friday? and he was like yeah!#and i was like woo!! and he was like ill see you then!! and we were like :D
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Great.
#i think there was some miscommunication with my roomie and i thought we were gonna hand out today#but i think she went home to see her ma which i swear she said was gonna happen next weekend but like#i dunno like she kinda disappeared and like she could come back but its been hrs and like all classes were cancelled for a footbal game#and she said shed be free yk and i talked abt what i thought we could do and everything like an idiot#and like i dont wanna ask cuz shes been gone for hours and itll seem like i was just waiting for her#which like i kinda was;;; like i wrote and watched youtube but rlly i was like oh we gonna hang out :)#and now I feel dumb...like god ofc she doesnt wanna hang with me im terribly boring#and ik this rant is like. not wat yalk signed up for ik i sound rlly pathetic here but shes my only friend like physically at campus cuz#i had a rlly bad freshman yr and i spiralled and when i finally managed to interact eith ppl it was just her for basically then till senior#and im trying to like not be so isolated these days but im very very very socially anxious and frankly despite my rbf ppl just scare me#i would much rather be a hermit. i think it is a v safe and satisfying life except for the gaping holes of loneliness i feel occasionally#like rn sibsidndisn#i wish i had friends but like friends means talking abd i cannot;;; i just like...like i can hold a convo i can smile i can fake#but god the whole time im melting into a puddle of noooooooooo#anyways i was rlly like ...proud i suggested we hang and proud i thought of a movie night with!!! a drinking game and everything!!!#only to be like 'oh its been three hrs i think shes not in town anymore??'#idbskdheidn im so stupid;;;;;;
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Absolutely hate it when language classes aren't split into two groups only because there aren't enough people in class
Literally curb stomping people's education and skill growth for some arbitrary number
#thylacines can talk#ONE person left our classroom and suddenly we had to be put back into one group and english went from one of my favourite classes to#the most boring one we had. fucking ONE person. and advanced group was a lot smaller than the other group anyway and the person that left#wasnt even from our group!! literally what the fuck!!!!!!!!!#we went from fun engaging class to being done with our assigments in the first few minutes and then sitting around doing nothing while the#teacher focused on the other students. which for the record im not mad about. itd be WAY shittier if she focused on us and left the other#students in the dust. what i AM mad about though is the fact they ~had to~ put our groups together because of some idiotic number in the#system when we were literally ONE FUCKIG PERSON SHORT FROM BEING ALLOWED TO SPLIT INTO GROUPS#this is bullshit. just. why in the fuck would you do yhat? even if you had to couldnt you just let classes so close to the minimum#requirement be split up anyways??? im honestly not at all surprised. the school system doesnt give a fuck about its students.#its a good thing our english teacher was normal and reasonable because she COULD focus on the advanced group and let the other students#fend for themselves but she didnt. unlike our math teacher who only focused on the best students and didnt bother to help the others.#a good majority of our class had to get tutors for math. and when my grades went up and i finally started doing work in class because#i finally knew how to the bitch took the credit. 'see what happens when you pay attention in class' GOD I WANTED TO SLAP HER SO BAD AT THAT#MOMENT. she was such a bad teacher and the school didn't do shit about it even when we complained.#this has turned into a general school rant huh#anyway fuck the school system it doesnt give a fuck about its students. doesnt punish horrible teachers and if you have a different style#of learning or any kind of neurodevelopmental or learning disability WELL GOOD FUCKING LUCK THEN coz youre gonna need it#the school system absolutely fucked me over and for a long time i thught that i was just lazy but no i sctually love learning and i do#wonderfully when i get appriopriate accessibility. who would have thought. the fact that the only accessibility feature they give is 5-15#more minutes on tests is a fucking joke.#man why is it always the math teachers that suck so fucking much#both my middle school and technicial institute (is it what its called in english???) math teachers SUCKED. i always thought i hated math#but after dropping out and doing math in my free time through educational videos and shit i realised on this is actually very fun#provided your teacher doesnt fucking suck
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a couple of girls on the playground today were asking me if i was married, if i was ever going to get married, and one of them said “do you want to be an old cat lady?” and i replied “well i wouldn’t mind it,” completely forgetting that old cat lady is a mocking trope of single women after a certain age, and then she said “don’t you wanna be a bae?” and i was like oh yeah sure. i thought you meant would i like to have cats. yes i would.
#that was very aro of me#to the question 'are you going to get married' i always answer 'if/when i meet someone i want to marry'#ive said it before (in a tag rant im sure) that i do kind of envy the stability/commitment that the institution of marriage has. it's hard#to picture myself getting more and more in my adult years and having only myself to rely on. financially emotionally etc.#i would love to live with someone i love for the rest of my life and even legally marry them. i just dont know how/if that'd ever happen#those kids dont know what aromanticism is and im not in the business of explaining my deeper feelings/conflicts to them. lol#tales from diana#also that girl who said it said it somewhat as a joke and i dont blame her for. you know. making that comment. i know she likes me a lot#she has told me im pretty and she often asks if i have a boyfriend etc. im basically the only one she talks to. shes the grade 5 on thursday#im sure when i tell her im not seeing anyone she doesnt see it as something pathetic but i do make sure to stress that it's about the person#moreso than the status of being in a relationship.#at that age you don't know the difference very much#and this fifth grader has told me before that she has her first little boyfriend. (this is all stuff she's disclosed not that ive asked abt)#(but i will listen to of course if a child is bringing it up & wants to talk about their life w a trusted adult)#and she says theyve only like held hands and theyre mostly just friends. that was a relief to me.#shes also mentioned to me that another boy in her class asked her out and she said no (bc of the boyfriend)#and of course she's going into middle school next year. so. to her this is a very formative time to be thinking about herself in that sense#as a person who wants/pursues romance. which i THOUGHT i was when i was her age (though i never had a boyfriend or any male attention then)#i trust her i think she's very smart. but she's YOUNG y'know so it's not her fault she's got all these mixed messages from media and culture#these things are becoming more important in her life so i'm glad to be a representation of Being Cool & Older & Mature wo needing a bae#not that i think im making THAT big of an impact on her. but you know. i never knew a cool girl in her early 20s when i was 11#who repeatedly told me nothing about her love life & only said no every time i asked if she had a partner.#i think had i seen that. i would've felt more ok w being perpetually single as a tween/teen lol.#or maybe not. a lot of my insecurity came from the fact that nobody ever explicitly asked me out etc. idk. whatever#miss diana is so cool. i'm gonna miss fifth grader though when she graduates. i only have one thursday left w her :''''''''(
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Anyways also feeling kinda down that I haven't worked on owed in a bit & that today I was supposed to start back up but kinda. Didn't get anything done.
Just kinda really feeling drained lately and idk how much of this is because I just got done with being sick/ being on my period back-to-back and whatnot and I really want to be creative but then when I try everything Just Sucks. I'm very thankful I didn't have to go in this past Wednesday, and that I do not work again until next Wednesday as long as I am not called off then too (or as long as the other kennel person doesn't need covered ig), because maybe it'll give me the time to get my energy back without having to worry about doing shit.
#ramblings#were getting closer and closer to the end of the year and like.#idk i just do not feel like ive been doing anything#ive been doing stuff but its not what i wanted it to be like. my mom and i still havent worked out taking comms#so i still have not been able to take any and i dont think we will be able to work this shit out until after the holidays#idk. someones over tonight so i dont wanna bother but i might try talking to her abt it. to see if we can at least work out a day#when we can get things sorted out. because i really want to take commissions so i can have more income than a part-time job#<- without having to take on a second job/ quit the job i have now for a fulltime one#also as we get closer to a new year im filled with dread abt having to do college. even if i just do online classes i wont lie to you ive#liked the freedom ive had not dealing with school. i know i need some kinda education so i can try and find a reliable job#but its just. the last time i was in school it got me to a really bad place mentally and i just dont wanna deal with that again#sorry. i just wanna think out loud abt this stuff rn i guess#havent rlly talked abt this with anyone. theres only so much my friends can do bc the majority of them i can only talk to online#and idk how well my family would understand. especially my parents. without scolding me for like. loathing school and shit
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