#the perfect existential crisis bear

[bearotonin-international]

Sun bears begin their existential crises young

[slaaverin]

My Ultimate Reclist

Hi Hello it’s been 4 years now since I came back to the fandom and started reading fics again. I thought I would do a reclist with my all time favorites. It’s gonna be rather long, so bear with me. It contains mostly classics and fics everybody know but it can be useful for new people in the fandom. I’ve read thousands of fics but it’s the ones that stuck with me the most. It is in no particular order.

The Miseducation of Draco Malfoy by @magpiefngrl​ (37600 words, rated E)

Zacharias Smith writes a tell-all about the D.A. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are not happy about it.

Ooooh I love everything she writes since I've been back in the fandom and this one didn't disappoint. Draco in this one is just so endearing discovering the muggle world! He's adorable. And I loved Harry falling in love with him as he watches him, honestly I fell in love a little too. Her writing is always very immersive and just top notch? Perfect? I can't praise this fic enough. I think it's also a good one if you just started reading Drarry.

Licurici by @lou-isfake (133092 words, rated E)

Charlie wanted Harry, but he’d never planned on having him. He’d never planned on Draco Malfoy, either. He hadn’t planned on anything but living out his days in Romania, with his friends and his dragons and his safe, peaceful distance.

Apparently, it wasn’t a very popular plan.

This is a story about crumbs and flickers and roots, running away and coming home; about falling in love without meaning to (twice), and having truly good friends, and the mutually revealing recognition between two people in love with the same man.

This was one of the most beautiful thing I've ever read. At first I was very reluctant to read it because I am so protective of Harry and Draco you know? I wanted to keep them to myself and didn't see myself share them with another character. But then Charlie came in and knocked out all my preconceived notions. I fell in love with him and his voice instantly. I was sucked in by the prose and the feels. So many feelings that everyone has. It made me think of polyamour in a whole new way and I adored it. Please please if you haven't, read it. It is so worth it.

A Descent into Delicious Delirium by J_amethyst (27273 words, rated M)

Harry makes a few piss-poor decisions. Malfoy’s still a rich prick.

The lesson to be learned here: Don’t engage in a disastrous game of chicken. Unless, of course, you enjoy the idea of a naked photoshoot, and the entire Wizarding World believing you get off on Malfoy.

The following is a recount of the course of events that unfolded.

*All named persons have consented to the retelling of this story with stipulations of authorial dramatic flair. The author does not condone the views expressed and reflected by Rita Skeeter, The Daily Prophet, and other associated entities.

The photoshoot scene was EVERYTHING. So hot! And their outfits were quite hilarious? It kinda often lingers in my head Harry and Draco taking the pose under Apolline's camera. Like a still image. Horny porker is practically canon to me now. Very much a feel good read I loved it.

Wild by GraceFisher (95799 words, rated M)

Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better.

The one where Harry has a sexuality crisis, Draco has an existential crisis, and they accidentally fall in love.

I'm sorry but this is not ok, I see no one talking about this fic ever and it is SO GOOD? The prose immediately sucked me in from the start they have a way of writing that is very poetic? And weirdly I liked that Harry and Draco don't speak much?! I mean they spoke but not to say many things. They're playing around things all the time. And it adds SO MUCH TENSION like I could cut myself with it. Idk it was just brilliant. Everything was brilliant. I also loved that it was mainly focused on Harry and Draco. So. Go read it right this instant because this fic deserves so much love.

By the Grace by @letteredlettered (139812 words, rated T)

Harry is an Auror instructor. Malfoy wants to be an Auror.

Lettered is my favorite author of all time. There I said it. So of course I loved this fic. It was so heart-wrenching. Draco is a mess. Harry is in denial. It just squeezed my heart and then released it and make it swell. The end is beautiful. I loved the auror training. I loved everything. It's a masterpiece as everything lettered writes. (Yes I fangirl on the daily at her writing and wish I was her and also the keyboard she puts her finger on. Marry me? thank you)

Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered (153881 words, rated T)

Harry gets de-aged.  Malfoy has to help him

My god this one is wonderful. Harry is the sweetest and broke my heart. The slow realization on Draco's part is so good to see. It made my cry and I loved Harry even more after reading this. And Draco, my heart broke for him too. The end was so perfect I smiled like an idiot. This fic is a treasure and a gift and I will cherish it for a long time.

He Who Must Not Be Normal by @letteredlettered (40913 words, rated E)

Potter has fame and fortune and posh clothes and all he wants is a simple life. Draco has a flat and a cat and a steady job and all he wants is a complicated life.

Which makes you think this story has something exciting like body-swapping, but it doesn’t. 

Instead it has Indian takeaway and a blue jumper and people wanting a whole lot of what they can’t have, discovering themselves as they discover each other

Ok let’s talk serious business. THIS FIC LADIES AND GENTS it has to be one of my favorite of all time. Draco is so endearing to me with his simple life, and Harry is a mess, and it hurts, hurts, hurts in every way. It felt so wrong to me, but then it became right and everything clicked into place and it works and it’s incredible. I adored it, it is so brilliant. Please give it a read you won’t regret it. Please read all other fics she writes because every fics of hers is amazing you will do yourself a favor.

Stupid love by @the-sinking-ship (16940 words, rated E)

Harry Potter, how does Draco Malfoy hate thee? Let me count the ways.

It was a very fun and very charming read. I laughed a little too much at Draco's obliviousness, very unreliable narrator. I love that Harry just knew and went for it even when Draco was such a tough nut to crack. He was just so sure that he hated him! Oh Draco my sweet child. They were adorable. Read it without worry.

In the Hand by aideomai (28470 words, rated T)

Two months after Harry went missing, when Hermione was frantic with fear and panic and sleep deprivation, Draco Malfoy cornered them outside the Great Hall before breakfast.

Another amazing author. This was just so freakin creative. I loved all the versions of Harry and Draco in this Drarryverse lol. Each of them were different and believable. It made me want to read a fic for each version. Anyway this was brilliant.

Far from the tree by aideomai (112572 words, rated E)

The arrival of Harry Potter’s children—snapped back in time, the children themselves guessed, twenty or so years—was the most interesting thing to happen at Hogwarts for years.

Gosh I love this fic. The reunion scene in the forest will remain imprinted in my head for a long time. My heart ached for Draco so much. But then when the reveal happens I loved seeing the older versions of Harry and Draco and their interactions with the younger ones. Perfect writing and perfect ending to a perfect fic.

“Dad says” by GallaPlacidia (39219 words, not rated)

Eleven-year-old Scorpius starts writing to Harry. Harry starts to fall in love with Draco through his portrayal in his son's letters.

Featuring an extremely remorseful Draco living with muggles and working at a second-hand book shop, an isolated Harry, and a Scorpius who's dreading going to Hogwarts because he knows he'll be bullied there.

I adored Scorpius in this and the relationship he develops with Harry. This fic was just adorable for me. And when something ends with "All was well" then I'm just a sucker for it! I loved this fic and honestly I could rec all GallaPlacidia's fics so please go read them all!

Soup-pocalypse and The Great Curry Cataclysm by SquadOfCats (104357 words, rated E)

Eleven years after the war, Draco Malfoy leads a quiet, boring, and perfectly respectable life, thanks very much. Or, at least he does, until a sudden and very unexpected veela awakening causes him to throw soup all over Harry Potter in the middle of the Ministry cafeteria.

This one is simply HILARIOUS. I laughed so much at the cafeteria scene. I usually don’t like creature fics much but this one was great I highly recommend.

Grounds for Divorce by @tepre (122217 words, rated E)

Malfoy finds a coin. Harry finds a letter.

A story about histories, a story about families. A story about a lemon tree somewhere in Upper Egypt.

This is the perfect bonding fic (I love this trope) the jealousy killed me but it was alright at the end. Everything felt organic. It was messy and painful but so beautifully written. Masterpiece. Go read it. I could put every one of Tepre's fics on this list they are all so good! She's an amazing author!

Buy A Heart by xErised (17668 words, rated E)

Draco's cock hardens as he looks at the invitation to the charity auction; his golden ticket to one wild night of desperate sex with Potter to get rid of this inexplicable obsession. His heart whispers that one night will never be enough, but Draco is beyond caring. All he knows is that he will pay any price to have Potter over and over again.

Alright so this one is pure and filthy smut and it is so freakin HOT. It left a strong impression on me years ago, go read it.

dirtynumbangelboy by @magpiefngrl​  (39400 words, rated E)

After Harry’s unfortunate encounter with his ex, Draco Malfoy makes him a proposition. Draco wants his parents to stop matchmaking him and Harry wants to make his ex jealous. All they need to do is simply pretend they’re in love. Problem is… Draco already is.

Aaaah fake dating I freakin love this trope! I love this Draco, he is a mess, he plays piano, he’s hot. Such a perfect fic.

The Claiming of Grimmauld Place by @bixgirl1​ (74228 words, rated E)

When Grimmauld Place begins fighting against Harry’s ownership of it, he decides he needs help to train the historic home — but little does he expect that it’ll be Malfoy who’s most suitable for the challenge. However, as Malfoy and Harry get closer, Harry comes to understand that expectations aren’t always the best path by which to guide his heart — and in the process learns just what is needed to make a house a home.

I loved the magical theory. Sentient houses are my kink. The smut is scorching hot. This is so good. Bix is such a treasure to the fandom and I loved every one of her fics I advise you check them all out.

A Hag, a Hex, a Tale of Redemption by @aibidil  (43328 words, rated E)

A fuck-or-die fairytale in which Draco Malfoy lives a despicable and unapologetic life — that is, until he's cursed to die unless he can fall in love with and fuck Harry Potter

I read it really a long time ago so I don’t remember much but I love the trope of fuck-or-die and this one really stuck with me. I remember it was so good and I loved it.

Ligabus Filium by @tessacrowley (41534 words, rated E)

It should be careful, deliberate, but it isn't. Like every other part of their relationship, it happens gradually and then all at once, before they even realize it. And when the little blue threads bind them together, there's no going back.

When I started reading Drarry again I was a sucker for BDSM fics. To me, if you’re into the genre, this is the best one. Tessa crowley is such a good writer, I recommend you check her other fics as well.

Forgive those who trespass by Lomonaaeren (135889 words, rated E)

Harry Potter was convinced he had an ordinary, if inconvenient, life. Then Ron and Hermione vanished in the Department of Mysteries. And the only person who may know where they are is a mute Draco Malfoy.

I read this fic when I first came back to the fandom. I don't remember the details just that it deeply stuck with me. I was slightly horrified but intrigued. I love everything in the department of mysteries. This was a horrific adventure and I loved it. If you want something on the dark side this is for you.

Turn by Saras_girl (306708 words, rated E)

One good turn always deserves another. Apparently.

I couldn’t make a reclist without including Turn. This fic changed me and my viewpoint for the better. It made me question my life choices. There’s nothing to describe it, you need to experience it.

Running on Air by eleventy7 @tinyhistory (74875 words, rated T)

Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.

Best for last. This is my favorite fic ever written ever. The vivid scenery. The pacing. It’s soft and there’s love. It’s brilliant and beautiful and poetic and I so deeply want a hard copy of it. I need it tattooed on my soul. By the end I was a sobbing mess. It is weirdly so personal to me. I think I too found home by reading it. DROP EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING AND READ IT. THANK YOU.

That’s it for my favorites! thank you for reading! <3

[thequeenofthewinter]

These Dreams

Finally finished this thing which I have been working on. The Halsin brain rot is real, and obviously, this crazy fever dream of a thing was inspired by that.

Pairing: Female Tav/Halsin

Warnings: kissing, wandering hands, implied sexual thoughts

2,019 words

Link to AO3: Click here

Why tonight of all nights she decided to do this, she will never know.

Iluna turns her head once more, checking behind her to see if he still follows her. Halsin’s footsteps, of course, are silent. If she didn’t know any better, she would say the darkened leaves of the forest path part their fronds for him, seeming to know his every move. Perhaps, they do. One of these days, she will have to ask him about it.

“I’m not going anywhere, Iluna. I won’t abandon you here in the forest—even if it is against your better judgement to bring us out here this late.” Halsin looks at her with concern in his eyes, yet he still smiles.

 That is one of many things which draws her to him. He always seems to find the positive in everything despite any shadows which may surround them. It’s a gift that is uniquely his.

“What? Do you think the bears will get us?” She cannot resist teasing him, just a little, and he doesn’t disappoint her.

“You mean apart from me?” He laughs, a soft whisper of a sound which sends her heart aflutter.

“You know very well that we can both take care of ourselves,” she tells him as she continues her way through the path, gently pushing back the tall ferns so as not to damage them. “Besides, I told you that I have a surprise for you.” 

If Iluna was to turn to him right now, he would be able to see the blush creeping onto her face plain as day. Lately, she knows that he has had a hard time being in the city, surrounded by so many buildings and so many people, so she wanted to do something for him to help his unease—and to express her feelings for him.

“One which you refuse to tell me any details of, but the Oakfather made me patient, so I will wait.”

Iluna knows very well how patient he can be; however, she can still hear the slight hope in his voice that she will reveal even the smallest detail to him. On this, she will unfortunately have to disappoint him. “I promise it will be worth it in the end.”

“Of that, I have no doubts.”

They continue to walk the trodden path before them, fireflies starting to pop up in and out among the tall grasses beneath their feet as if playing hide and seek. It had always charmed her to be out in the forest, even if she isn’t that familiar with nature as of late. Halsin had brought out a yearning in her which she thought had been long buried deep within her from her childhood. She grew up in the temperate forests where deciduous leaves mingled with the needles of evergreens. Until meeting him, she did now know how much she missed it—the connection to the earth and the life which teems from her soils. Iluna feels it even now. 

Despite the fact that her father was a druid, she never considered herself one—still doesn’t know if she is or could be. That much was lost to her when her parents separated years ago.

Now is not the time to think on such matters. There will be plenty of time to focus on her existential crisis later. Iluna shakes her head, wiping those thoughts from her head like cobwebs from the darkened corners of a cave. 

“It won’t be farther. Just a few more steps.” She distracts herself by trying to speak with Halsin. “As soon as we push just past the treeline…”

And there is it. The dense forest opens up into a secluded grove where grass and mossy ground meet the brightly twinkling stars and shining moon. As Halsin makes his way out into the open air, he smiles, a cool breeze blowing through the warm summer air. It is perfect—the little slice of home that he had missed. How did she know? Is he really so easy to read?

A bit nervously, Iluna turns to him, her dark hair catching in the wind and covering part of her face. “I stumbled upon this place the other day when I was looking for—”

Halsin walks closer to her, a wide smile on his face as he extends a hand to tuck the loose tendril behind one of her pointed ears. “I am grateful for the gesture and that you thought of me.”

Suddenly, she is glad for the cover of night as she is sure her face is on fire. “That—that isn’t it. Well, I mean, it is part of the surprise, but there is more.”

“More?” He asks, eyes wide as he leans down to whisper in her ear. “What more do I need than to be here enjoying the beauty of nature in all its forms, current company included?”

One of these days, he will be her undoing. She asks herself again why she decided to torture herself in this way as she swallows hard. It is undeniable that she is attracted to him, and she is fairly certain that he would say yes to any of her advances if she made them known, but she has not made a single move until now.

As Iluna has gotten to know him over the past few months, he has opened up to her, and she has learned a lot about him. The things he has endured, the doubts he has had, how selfless he is—he has sacrificed too much, and he deserves more than he can even know. And now, with everything coming to a head, she would be foolish not to make her feelings known, even if it feels like they would swallow her whole. 

For a moment, she contemplates blurting out her thoughts, but then thinks better of it as she look up at him, his golden eyes turning almost molten in the moonlight. No, Iluna shakes her head. She has to do this right. Instead, she bites her tongue and gestures behind herself to a grassy knoll where a blanket lays along with a mysterious basket. 

Halsin turns his head, looking to where she has indicated, and it dawns on him that she had planned this planned out prior to coming here. The wind shifts and brings to him the familiar scent of honeyed cakes—a particular weakness of his. His brows furrow as he looks down at her curiously. “You went to all this trouble just for me?”

The question sounds foreign on his tongue, as if the concept of someone taking such interest in him has left him utterly bewildered. He was the one who was accustomed to taking care of others and checking on their needs. For a moment, he is left stilled, not a word nor movement for once—only furrowed brows set above plain disbelief.

The wind shifts again, untucking the hair from behind Iluna’s ear. With it her thoughts shift, scattering like leaves as she tries to collect herself. “If you don’t like it, or if it’s too—” She stops herself before her thoughts come spilling out of her unbidden.

In the silence, he moves.

It takes no more than a moment for Halsin to react. Two strides and he is standing in front of her. Another second and a warm palm is cupped beneath her chin to move her gaze up to his own. 

“May I?” He asks, his fingers tracing her jawline.

It takes not more that a simple nod for her to unravel, opening up to him as his lips come down to meet hers with gentle softness.

Is this real? She doesn’t know. All of her most recent dreams have ended like this, and she never imagined that she would actually arrive at this point—into the steady hands of her deepest fantasies, pressed so close to him that she feels as if she were on fire.

Grass, herbs, leather and rain flood her senses, and she cannot help but drown herself in him. A soft whimper escapes her lips, and what starts as gentle quickly becomes hungry as their lips crash together sloppily—tongues touching and further fueling their need for each other. Hands wander across bare inches of warm skin, skimming up and down until their fingers entangle in each other’s hair. And with each touch, Halsin is all too happy to oblige her as his hands eventually reach down to grip her waist gently and bring her closer to him. 

For a single moment, it is difficult for Iluna to tell where she ends and he begins as she gets lost in the sensation of their meeting.

It takes all the strength within her to pull away from him.

She wishes she didn’t have to, but at the same time she needs to know. Living in dreams might seem nice in concept, but to have them ripped out from under her would be too harsh a cruelty. With everything currently going on, Iluna doesn’t know if she could survive that.

“What is the matter, my heart?” Halsin looks down at her, concern in his eyes, as a hand moves to cup her cheek again.

“This is the best dream I have ever had.” Iluna looks up at him, lips slightly swollen and green eyes shining bright under the moonlight. “But…” She bites her lip as if to stop herself from saying anything more than she should.

“Talk to me. There is no one here but the forest, and she will tell no secrets.”

Iluna ponders if she really should. As much as this is a dream from which she would prefer not to wake, perhaps this is not what he wants. She sighs. If there is anyone who deserves the truth, it is him. He has been through too much. “I like you.”

The words sound small as they are swallowed in the darkness. She isn’t a child. Why can’t she—

A small chuckle from Halsin interrupts her internal scolding. “I should hope so after a kiss like that.”

Iluna colors from her cheeks to the tips of her ears as the sound of those words echoes through her mind.

“Why are you afraid of what nature is freely giving to you? Is this not what you wanted?” He steps a little closer to her, the hand on her cheek starting to slide down her side until it rests at the curve of her waist. “I know that this is what I would choose, should you consent. Perhaps we could even have more.”

She is left without words as his own steal the breath from her. Head spinning, she tries to make sense of it all. This is what she wants, so why is it that she cannot speak?

“I would gladly share in these dreams with you wherever they go. All you have to do is ask.” He waits for her patiently—one, two, three seconds, but when she doesn’t respond, he swallows, his feet beginning to step away from her. Maybe he did misinterpret her after all.

The sound of a twig snapping beneath Halsin’s feet brings her back to her senses. “No—I…” She reaches out a hand which grazes his back before dropping it to her side. “Nothing would make me happier than to spend whatever time it is that I have left with you.”

He turns, honeyed eyes looking down at her softly. “Then I would be happy to oblige your request, and any possible others you might have.”

“I have but one.” Iluna tries to keep the smile from her face, but it is impossible—not on a night like this when it feels like all her hopes and dreams are within her grasp. And with the current company, they might as well be.

Halsin moves closer to her once more and his arms encircle her waist. “Am I going to like what it is?”

“Perhaps.” She smirks as one of her hands reaches up to rest at the base of his neck. “Kiss me.”

“Nothing would give me more pleasure.”

[minquiec]

Some lore stuffs + how her story ends

This is kinda all over the place bc I don't have a coherent idea but I just need to write it all down before I forget

How Jia was bit was on a hot ass day and she basically fell asleep on a spider and gained powers unknowingly

Doesn't find out for maybe a week

Has a weird dream one night where she basically meets a deity in her dream and the exchange was literally like

"You, Jialin Chen, now bear the powers to protect this la-"

"Uhm yea no thanks, pass 😬"

"WHAT?"

And then a comedic exchange occurs between mortal and god haha! Until the deity was like ENOUGH this is your DESTINY you will bear it whether you like it or NOT 👹 so Jia's kinda like alright fine damn 🙄 but obviously we all know how she really feels abt the whole situation (she hates it bc of issues) but anyways

The reason why it took a whole week is cause uhmmm plot hole lelel or smth the deity can't actually interfere directly with the world

EITHER WAY this is basically spoilers for endgame but it's not like I'll ever make a coherent plot bc I'm too lazy and dum but basically

The deity of Jia's universe is border on obsessive with creating a story line and destiny and heroes and stuff like that and ofc it has to be perfect (bc ofc it has to be, totally not cliche or anything)

Anyways this obsession makes them interfere TOO much with Jia's universe because if the deity was never this obsessed

Jia probably would've gotten over her issues (bc she's meets someone to help her copeeee 😋😋 cougjocughcgpuccough)

But bc the deity is an unreasonable shithead, they're literally the root of every problem:

They're responsible for Jia's split soul because of how abrupt her duties were suddenly forced on her

Bc of the split soul problem, it nearly upsets the world balance that could've been very bad for the universe! (the day she had lost the plot and had a existential crisis breakdown I think I posted it here but basically on that day she was flickering between both before Lin took control)

-> the logic is rlly,,, idk nonsensical for this bc what I thought as world making is that you can't have two souls in control at once and it goes again natural laws so it nearly ficked up her world cause it AINT SUPOSE TO HAPPEN ITS NEVA SUPOSE TO HAPPENNN but moving on

So then Lin switches in place of Jia and the world balance is briefly restored YAYY 🎉 everything is fine‼️

❌ WRONG ❌

Cause now Lin went and 'broke up' (idk it wasn't rlly a break up bc she never said 'lets break up' but she kinda did go 'we aren't meant for each other 🖕' and dipped) with hb so NOW HES GOING THRU IT and the rest of her friends back at spider society are like ???? What the??? Fuck???

Lin does manage to spend a few days or more at the hq cause technically she is still Jia but just

Different

But everyone's kinda weirded out cause she's Serious™ now and even Miguel's kinda like wattafack 🧍 plus the fact she has long white hair that spawned out of nowhere so they kinda piece some form of logic together that she's a different Jia

Anyways some time passes and one day an especially big anomaly is warned abt in Jia's (still Lin) universe which is bizarre cause they're not usually this big but it's all because of that STOOPID FUKASS deity GOING AROUND FUKIN THINGS UP and somehow created this ridiculously bad threat as a 'enemy' for the 'hero of their story' to defeat

The biggest problem with the anomaly is that while it doesn't really like, belong in Jia's universe, it doesn't belong in any OTHER universe either BECAUSE THAT DEITY BOUGHT IT UP OUTTA NOWHERE BC THEYRE PSYCHO I need to stop hating on characters that I literally made anyways

So HQ can't exactly deal with it like they usually do but they can try to offer assistance at least

Obviously for obvious (cliche) reasons CERTAIN PEOPLE are gonna be there cause yknow they still care abt Jia even tho she's changed (to Lin momentarily)

Battle occurs blah blah I'm not good with action scenes and things are looking a littttlee bleak for Lin and Co and all the sudden Lin receives a bad injury that nearly knocks her unconscious but thru her ringing ears and muted background noise she hears SOMEBODDYYY CALLING HER NAAMMEEE (god I really wonder who)

Because her state of unclarity from the Blunt Force Head Trauma makes things a little weird, the fine line between Jia and Lin also becomes a little muddled and the Jia that's been hiding behind Lin can hear his voice and it quite literally brings her out of that dark room in her mind to control again so TLDR Jia is back again instead of Lin

Reunion happens for maybe 3 minutes tops before shit hits the fan again and suddenly the deity has teared through time space fabric out of anger to speak directly to them mortal little earthlings on the ground because they're a little bitch

All because they thought Lin was the true protagonist they've been searching for all along and now 'that insolent fool' (hobie) has ruined everything (he does no wrong)'

But suddenly because the deity is in direct contact with the mortal world, they're like wait 🤨 you're not from this universe and sees other things also not from this universe and goes on a tangent about how they don't need to rebuild a 'story' anymore and can just find another 'story' to pilot (TLDR AGAIN: local deity discovers universe theft and wants to ditch this universe cause Jia's spiderman story wasn't perfect and now wants to find another universe to force to become their 'perfect story')

Obviously spider people are like 😨😨😨 UHMMM NO TF UR NOTTT so they start retreating (as they should tbh) and Jia's like helping to round up people to gtfo of her universe before some batshit deity absorbs them or smth

Atp bits of her universe is already crumbling and disintegrating because the deity is already trashing it because it's worthless and imperfect now (ngl me when art 😭😭)

So now it's the last of the people to go back thru the portals and its Jia and Hb :)) (y'all should know what's coming next)

Truthfully, Jia wants to so so badly go thru the portal to stay with the rest of them but she knows that there was the possibility of her connection with the deity of her world and her as a creation from the said deity

So she says goodbyes

Pushes him thru

And throws in her watch before it closes properly so the FUCK ASS DEITY CANT GET ANY KIND OF CONNECTION TO THE MULTIVERSE

And thus it concludes her coming of age plot because she found the proper courage to do what was right in all senses and came to terms with her spider girl identity

Even though she had so much she wanted to do with the rest of them was what she had thought while the thread of her universe on the multiverse crumbled into nothingness

ANYWAYS THE REAL CONCLUSION IS THE DEITY IS THE REAL ANOMALY THEIR OBSESSION DROVE THEM INTO AN ANOMALY AND INTERFERING WITH THE LIVING WORLD but thats kinda what happens when you've been living for centuries, you kinda go a little nuts

Anyways thanks for this long and incredibly messy read, don't kill me ✌️ peaces

[alicelufenia]

So this is a great point that deserves some elaboration since, yes, arrogance and supremacist ideology is hammered into drow youths throughout their upbringing. In one of the novels Yvonnel states that the word iblith (excrement/inferior) is the most powerful word in the drow language. It is the source of drow arrogance and the perpetuation of their way of life built on slavery and conquest.

However, regarding themselves as "superior" is not the same as seeing themselves as "perfect". In Lolthite society, "We are all Lolth's meat". To be drow, even a female priestess, is not enough. They are constantly at odds seeking to increase their status, for themselves as well as their house (both nobles born to that house as well as any commoners who have attached themselves to a house).

Matrons falling out of favor with Lolth is a grave concern, which is why they govern their families with an iron fist, lest a miscreant son or daughter bring ruin upon them all; for a house that has lost favor can't properly defend themselves from opportunistic rivals. See the first two Drizzt novels for an example.

It's also worth mentioning, since the comment in the op isn't my words precisely, that they are talking about more of a "spiritual" brokenness. Elves bear a connection to their fey ancestry and the legacy of their souls that drow do not.

While elven trances are like spirit walks down past life memory lane, most drow experience total oblivion silence when sleeping, that connection severed long ago. Unless it is returned to them through specific divine intervention. Such as the visions of dancing under the stars of the surface night, provided by Eilistraee, Lolth's daughter and enemy.

While it may be not EVERY drow you come across that is in the middle of a spiritual/existential/emotional crisis, it is at least frequent enough that, if you can call that a "human trait", you can also call it a drow trait.

Honestly part of why I like them. They have the long-lived intrigue of elves with the short-sightedness of humans.

[denimbex1986]

'Barbenheimer, the biggest double-bill of the year, has been a massive success. The box office, film circles, and the wild world of the internet have been buzzing about the unlikely pairing of two vastly different films made by two of the most renowned filmmakers of our time. Greta Gerwig's Barbie is a vibrant exploration of its titular character experiencing an existential crisis, one of the last thoughts that could pop into one's head when talking about the beloved doll. On the other hand, Christopher Nolan's Oppenheimer brings viewers right into the mind of the father of the atomic bomb. While both of them look to discuss certain political and social aspects of the world, only one of them succeeds in providing a nuanced exploration, and it's not even close.

'Barbie' Takes a Look at Feminism

In Gerwig's world, "Stereotypical" Barbie (Margot Robbie), in the middle of one of her routine night parties, abruptly experiences thoughts of death. This leads her perfect plastic figure to undergo several physical changes, such as having cellulite or getting flat-footedness. She discovers that all of this is caused by the state of mind of her owner in the real world, which she must change before she becomes fully human. Barbie, together with Ken (Ryan Gosling), travels to Venice Beach in search of her owner while discovering the imperfections of the mundane human world. It is during this trip, and the events leading after, that the film provides a commentary on femininity and what being a woman in the real world means.

Their arrival opens up a plethora of discourse regarding being a woman in the real world. One of the main tenets in Barbie's women empowerment manifesto is a tale as old as the movement itself. It offers the notion that stereotypical beauty standards are not the end-all and be-all. The movie hammers home this point when Stereotypical Barbie herself calls an elderly woman on the bus stop beautiful. Another point is when Barbie is taken aback by the self-awareness of her owner Sasha (Ariana Greenblatt), calling her a fascist, among other hurtful things. Barbie isn't the role model she thinks she is, and she learns that the existence of Barbies may have caused more harm than good. Yes, this concept might be a bit on the nose, but it still works. However, it is just one of the many things in relation to the bigger picture of female representation and equality. There's more to it than just beauty standards, which Barbie attempts to tackle throughout the film.

Gloria's Monologue Gets at the Core of the Message

When Ken discovers that the patriarchy is the ruling system in the real world, he begins to carry that mentality. Acting as if he has just discovered the penultimate secret of the universe, Ken runs back to Barbieland alone and takes over with his new philosophy. When Barbie takes Sasha and her mother, Gloria (America Ferrera), back to Barbieland, they're shocked by the change and endeavor to save it. When Gloria inadvertently discovers that the key to saving everyone in Barbieland is an impassioned speech on what it takes to be a woman, the film's inner meaning becomes crystal clear.

Gloria espouses how it is so hard to be a woman because the system is rigged against their success, and that everyone blames them for what's wrong in the world. While inspirational in its own right, and embodies truthfulness to some degree, it is but a reductionist view on the problems that plague women. It is a futile attempt to encapsulate the bigger picture of the admirable movement of women's rights, and boils down to an emotional but simplistic rant on how women are oppressed. Generally speaking, it bears little depth in relation to the complexities of empowering women. It's like a person merely touching the surface of a lake, and immediately judging that it's safe to swim in. For some, it falls flat and was an underwhelming climax for a fairly enticing buildup.

However, there is an argument to be made. Isn't that exactly the point? It is a Barbie movie after all, and it makes no bones about its nature. It is a movie about a plastic doll that discovers its own sense of consciousness. Did we really expect it to delve deep into the roots of a deeply ingrained issue, and offer some form of emancipation? Absolutely not! If we want to be technical about it, Barbie belonged to a world where there were absolutely no problems. Her arrival in the real world was a culture shock, there's no way she could fully grasp everything about the complexities of gender politics in such a short amount of time. Yes, Barbie's critique of the patriarchy is surface-level at times, but as the ending shows, she still has more to discover about herself, and that's alright.

The Hypocrisy of Free Thinking in 'Oppenheimer'

On the other hand, Nolan's Oppenheimer, by its very subject, offers a lot more leeway in terms of discussing politics. It is a film about one of the most controversial subjects the world has ever seen, so it is at a distinct advantage. As the director of the Los Alamos Laboratory for the Manhattan Project, J. Robert Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy) was at the receiving end of mudslinging efforts, among other things. The picture does a marvelous job of presenting Oppenheimer as both a pompous intellectual with no regard for boundaries and as a human being facing the immense consequences of his actions. Despite his polarizing personality, one of his most commendable traits is his penchant for standing up for what he believes in.

Oppenheimer, as depicted in the film, was a stand-up guy when it came to his science and an even prouder individual when it came to his own beliefs. The earliest form of conflict was his affinity with left-wing politics. While not strictly a communist per se, his loyalty was put into question, especially due to his fondness of socials hosted by members of the Communist Party USA. An affair with one of its most prominent members in Jean Tatlock (Florence Pugh) only made things worse. His sympathy for some of the party's ideas is where his troubles began, which eventually sealed his own fate. It is a common occurrence that still plagues the world today. Someone expressing approval for left-wing politics, can easily be branded a communist. During the height of McCarthyism, and the immense fear brought by the Cold War, paranoia against communists and spies in America hit an all-time high. Movements like these are often hijacked by those in power and can be wielded like a weapon against those they see as a threat.

'Oppenheimer's Commentary Exposes the Dark Complexity of Politics

With the success of the Trinity test, and the war-ending bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Oppenheimer vehemently denied support for its prospective use. He began to speak against the very thing he created, and while his philosophies were laudable, the US government's mentality went in the opposite direction. Seeing it as a race for global arms supremacy, President Harry S. Truman (Gary Oldman) insulted Oppenheimer for being resentful of his brainchild. For a man who contributed so much to ending the war, the president's dismissal of his concerns speaks volumes.

On the other hand, Lewis Strauss (Robert Downey Jr.), who carried a personal grudge against Oppenheimer, used his alleged communist connections as fodder for his scheme to permanently revoke the physicist's security clearance. It is one of the most blatant displays of the hypocrisy of supposedly democratic governments. The proliferation of ideas, and the flourishing of free-thinking is only heralded when it plays into the government's interest. If your ideas are of no use to them anymore, or if you have already served your purpose, they will throw you out faster than a nuclear reaction. It is Oppenheimer's bread and butter: to expound on the dark inner workings of politics, and it succeeds in providing a more nuanced take compared to its fellow release-day movie.

Barbenheimer's Have Two Very Different Approaches to Politics

Rather than viewing Oppenheimer as a more politically conscious film, perhaps it would be best to discuss the different approaches of the two in terms of examining politics. Gerwig made a nostalgia piece, aiming for viewers to relive their childhoods. Politics is secondary when you are talking about dolls living in colorful and majestic houses. Nolan's character study was built for this argument, and he masterfully dissects the double-edged sword that is free speech, as well as questioning the ethics of nuclear warfare.

Yes, from an objective standpoint, Oppenheimer provides a better political cinematic undertaking, but it doesn't mean that Barbie had nothing to offer at all. Rather than favoring one or the other, it is best to critique the two blockbusters with the appropriate lens. At least the two blockbusters are sparking discussions on two very important issues, and that's all we can ask for as moviegoers.'

[stormyoceans]

monica! i need your best slow burn pining recommendations, i feel like you're the right person to ask <3

TURNS OUT THIS WAS ACTUALLY A WAY HARDER QUESTION TO ANSWER THAN I EXPECTED AND IT SENT ME INTO A DEEP EXISTENTIAL CRISIS ;;;;;;;;;

the thing is. i feel like 'slow burn' is an extremely subjective concept. for example, the only criteria a lot of people take into consideration to define a story as slow burn is when the characters enter an official romantic relationship, but to me it's also a matter of the characters' awareness when it comes to their own feelings: i personally have a hard time labeling a story as slow burn if the characters are attracted to each other from the first episode, or if one of them is already in love with the other at the beginning of the show, even if it may take them the rest of it to officially get together. and on the other hand, just because the characters aren't attracted to each other right away that doesn't automatically make it a slow burn to me

if i went with my idea of slow burn, tho, this list would be REALLY SHORT (like.. probably only 3 series would fit that ;;;;;;;), so first and foremost i’ve tried to pick shows that i think are the closest to my personal view of what a slow burn is and that have a good balance between pining, awareness and official romantic status, but after that im also gonna give you some different options just to cover a bit more ground, so here we go!!!!!

CLOSEST TO MY IDEA OF SLOW BURN

a tale of thousand stars. what could i even say about this show that hasn’t already been said. it simply has everything: great story, great characters, great chemistry, great slow burn and tension and pining that will make you scream at your screen.

enchanté. this show isn’t half as bad as most people say it is and this is a hill im willing to die on. features one of the best childhood friends to lovers romances with levels of tension and pining that are honestly out of this world and that made me want to punch through a wall in multiple occasions, which is why im willing to put it in the slow burn section even if it’s obvious that both akk and theo are aware of their own feelings for the other since the beginning.

i told sunset about you. it’s hard for me to call a show with only 5 episodes a slow burn, and yet it still very much feels like one. i don’t talk much about itsay because it speaks to the queer experience in a way that hits a bit too close to home for me, but the chemistry and the tension are truly unparalleled (in this house we do not talk about i promised you the moon tho).

my ride. kind overworked doctor meets broken-hearted motorcycle taxi driver in one of the softest, sweetest, most underrated slow burn romances ever put on screen. i don’t really know what else to say except that this is one of my comfort show and that it never fails to make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

SOTUS. look.. im fully aware this show has its issues. aside from the hazing (which personally doesn’t bother me, but i know it can be triggering for other people), it belongs to a generation of BL where the concept of any other sexuality aside from straight and gay did not exist, so you will have to bear with now thankfully outdated tropes like ‘gay for you’ and a certain amount of sex negativity. despite all this, it still does many things right, including giving us an enemies to lovers slow burn romance that to this day no other BL can compare to.

triage. TIME LOOP + MEDICAL MURDER MYSTERY + SLOW BURN = A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN. i know this show isn’t for everyone – for some it’s too slow and complicated, for others there’s not enough romance – but it is made for me specifically and i will never stop recommending it.

the untamed. okay so.. i guess technically we can’t call this a BL because the show has been edulcorated by chinese censorship, but even if there are no kiss and no actual declaration of love in the series, this is still very much a romance, and it’s also the perfect example of what slow burn is to me: excruciating and with the power to reduce you to a rabies-ridded violent little gremlin.

vice versa. IM THE MOST PREDICTABLE WOMAN ON EARTH IM SORRY. and alright, this may be a little bit of a stretch because if i put vice versa here then it’s fair to argue i should put other shows as well, BUT IN MY DEFENSE. episode 6 and episode 7 caused me irreparable damage with how much i was screaming at my screen for puen and talay to just kiss and get together already. these two idiots also confirmed their status only in the last part of the very last episode, and just for that they deserve a spot here. ABSOLUTE BUFFOONERY.

other shows that fit this and that are not my cup of tea but maybe they’re yours:

stay with me [cw: sad ending]

SHOWS THAT I THINK COULD BE CONSIDERED SLOW BURN (maybe. possibly. perhaps? ;;;;;)

dear doctor i’m coming for soul

i will knock you (is this show good? no. did i watch it until the very end laughing my ass off and having the time of my life? yes. it is EXTREMELY cringey and pretty low quality tho, so be aware of that ;;;;;;)

ingredients

light on me

my tooth your love

our dining table

unintentional love story

other shows that fit this and that are not my cup of tea but maybe they’re yours:

minato shouji’s coin laundry

step by step

MORE OF A NICE SIMMER TO A ROILING BOIL BUT THE PINING IS DELICIOUS

2gether

my school president

old fashion cupcake

we best love: nr. 1 for you

other shows that fit this and that are not my cup of tea but maybe they’re yours:

plus and minus

NOT SLOW BURN TO ME BUT THE RELATIONSHIP IS DEVELOPED NICELY AND/OR THERE IS SOME GOOD PINING

bad buddy

blueming

the eighth sense

history 3: trapped

laws of attraction

love tractor

not me

semantic error

[harrietmjones]

Jenny Joyce: Durham

Jenny Joyce perfectly encapsulates what it is to be a Durham university student, with her easy access to a trust fund and unwavering superiority complex giving major ex private schooler energy no matter how hard she tries to deny it.

Though Jenny may try, she unfortunately isn’t quite up to par with the Oxbridge students, perfectly rendering her to the notorious Oxbridge Reject title that has haunted Durham students for decades.

Erin: Nottingham

Erin’s main-character energy and impeccable people-watching skills perfectly situate her in the campus uni that is Nottingham. Constantly surrounded by rugby boys and goss, Erin’s favourite past times would include frequently updating her diary, going slightly overboard on the £1 tequila shots at Ocean Wednesdays and causing absolute havoc at a concerning number of Lenton house parties.

Michelle: Leeds

From her scarily chaotic energy and lack of filter, to her inability to recognise when getting absolutely paralytic doesn’t quite fit the vibe, Michelle is the starter pack Leeds student who would be found drinking to her hearts content in Hyde Park at the drop of a hat. Here for a good time not a long time, uni lecturers are nothing but a distant memory.

Aunt Sarah: Newcastle

The Newcastle nightlife would be Aunt Sarah’s dream. Getting dressed up in a PLT mini-dress and heels, ready to hit up Slug & Lettuce and Insta boomerang her pornstar martini to her heart’s content, she’d slot right into the Geordie lifestyle in no time.

Gerry: York

A simple, unproblematic king, Gerry just wants to be somewhere peaceful and remain entirely undisturbed (especially by Grandpa Joe), thus making the picturesque, quiet and ultimately uneventful town of York a perfect spot.

Claire: Exeter

Perfectly suited to the ease of a campus uni (god forbid she has to navigate a public-transport system or walk a city’s streets alone at night), Claire would undoubtedly make herself a permanent resident at the 24/7 library, downing 50 cans of energy drinks to keep her going as she embarks on her weekly essay crisis and inevitable panic-induced existential breakdown.

James: Edinburgh

James’ simple inability to interact with the female species means Edinburgh’s 63 per cent female population would be a perfect fit. He’s no stranger to a bit of harsh English criticism, making the occasional snide remark or critique by the Scots all part of a day’s work, whilst the over-bearing Englishness and rah energy of Pollock are ideal.

Sister Michael: Cambridge

Let’s be honest, no uni is really up to the high standards of Sister Michael, but the number one top UK university will have to do. Completely unbothered by the Oxford vs Cambridge divide or the annual boat race, you’ll find her in the chapel completely engrossed in her favourite book, The Exorcist.

David Donnelly: Loughborough

Mysterious and aloof, David Donnelly could only really end up as somewhere as irrelevant and unexciting as Loughborough. Only making it into about three scenes across both season one and two combined, he’d certainly be unlikely to want a uni of rich nightlife or culture, making Loughborough’s one nightclub the perfect fit.

Orla: Bath

Her absolutely iconic talent show sport-esque performance and overly-energetic presence means the sporty uni of Bath would suit Orla perfectly. She’d be found strutting the streets of Bath in leg-warmers and vibrant jackets that would be enough to scare anyone from a mile off.

Dennis: Warwick

Sick and tired of everyone and simply at uni to get a degree and nothing else, Dennis would thrive at a uni as quiet and deserted as Warwick. Simply migrating to and from the library and nothing else, he’d be an absolute nightmare to end up in a Zoom break out room with due to his seeming inability to engage in a conversation lasting any longer than 20 seconds.

Ma Marry: Sussex

Incapable of dealing with drama or stress, Ma Mary seems more suited to the more simple uni life, making the coastal uni town of Brighton with its picturesque streets and calming sea air an ideal spot.

However, her new-found love of learning would inevitably render her a library prisoner as she, like us all, enters into the warzone battlefield of attempting to find a seat in exam season.

[ghcstvalleychief]

As someone who's new to the BL genre altogether, I can honestly say KinnPorsche is on the higher end of the spectrum of shows I've watched at this point. There's only a handful of shows that have been recommended to me over the last couple of months that I can legit say are good. Most of them are misses, but there are a few hits.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to say this but I think it bears repeating. The way this show has handled Porsche's sexuality is pure excellence. I know there were some people who thought Porsche's reactions in episode 8 could be seen as internalized homophobia, but I disagree. But that's not the point of this post.

There wasn't any existential crisis over who's the top and who's the bottom in their relationship. There wasn't any real 'gay panic' from Porsche at all if we're being honest here. Was there some curiosity about what other people would think if they knew? Yeah, sure. Naturally, there would be. Why wouldn't there be? But there wasn't an entire plot surrounding the fact that this "straight" man is suddenly in love with another man. He wasn't stressed out or overly concerned with that part. They just went with what naturally feels right to them and their relationship, and they didn't fight each other when it came to that part. I know things were drastically different in the novel, at least that's what I hear. I think that's one of the better changes because there's far too much going on in their world to be concerned about something as trivial as that.

But anyway, all of the other shows from this genre (that I've seen that have this plot) usually end up dedicating some time to the "weirdness" of the ramifications of gay sex and relationships. Which shouldn't even be a thing now that we're so far removed from the inception of the genre, but I get why it still happens.

I just really love this show. Is it perfect? No. Is there room for improvement? Sure. But it's raised the bar a lot in some ways, and I would hate it if we ignored and overlooked that.

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from July 11-15 2022 Reddit posts

“Do you want Protestants? Because that’s how you get Protestants.” “Does anyone have an orphanage we can borrow?” “Man, medieval religion was metal.” “Our family has a long tradition of getting extra-judicially executed, and deserving it” “Time to make 28 gallons of hollandaise.” “So this is how people get into asmr? I get it now.” ““Done is better than perfect” “I don’t know why but this makes me queasy.” “Spread your legs and use your balls as an anchor.” “If you look closely the baby is holding the beer.” “The applications for this data are endless. Okay maybe not endless. In fact I’m struggling to think of more than a handful.” “My kid's first birthday was a great time. We had a party. He was allowed to attend.” “ Waterboard the fucking baby why don’t you” “ Look at this Rockefeller over here with a fridge just for meatballs.” “ How do you know what his ass tastes like?” “ 4 dino nuggies just ain't enough.” “ I made an entire tri-fold display board for my petsitter.” “Cut back on the avocado toast.” “Now imagine a person dies, but 50% of their gut fauna is left behind, flopping onto the ground.“ “ I used to have to fight sea lions at work.” “ Would you put your kid on a fucking grizzly bear?” “ Used to wonder if I’d ever had a full on conversation with a butt-plug in public person.” “I mean I already wanted to shag her and it was hard enough without thinking about her butthole.” “Dude, you don't have to show off your enormous snake.” “ Hairy little asshole” “Why would you try to fight someone with like a foot and 150+ pounds on you? That’s just asking for pain.” “It's hard to feel shame when you don't really feel any general emotions besides rage.” “There are 2 languages known throughout the universe. Dance and mathematics.” “ I love cows, since I was a child they always seemed so gentle.” “What a beautiful sweet baby.” “Some good steak right there.” “Don’t eat meat, please.” “ Did you think it was original? Funny? Are you trying to stand out in the crowd, or just be an asshole? Why are you like this?” “Cows creep me out for some reason.” “Awww she’s ugly!” “The entire point of it is selfish attention.” “ As a horrible person this is super funny and I may do this one day.” “It’s like watching a horror movie where everyone is doing the opposite of what an actual person would do in that same situation.” “Tell your new ex-girlfriend to call me.” “ I'm ready for another existential crisis. Bring it on!” “Her butt was in the way.” “ Incredible comedic timing from the cat.” “Entitled assholes don't care about lines.” “Essential oil will grow those fingers back.” "One less person to pollute the world" “Effective protest causes as much and as widespread disruption as possible, so that they cannot be ignored by those in power.” “Cement is not good on bare skin. It can cause severe burns and permanent scarring, sometimes requiring skin grafts.” “Learning hanky code was a lot more time consuming than being able to openly talk about your sexuality.” “ This is incredibly unsatisfactory!” “Stop trying to be the center of attention” “Drunk by nature?” “ Sure, you can drive an expensive sports car at 100mph, while kissing a gorgeous woman. But neither will get the attention it deserves.” “Just because you can multitask doesn't mean you're doing any of those tasks well.” “You aren't even THAT ugly!” “You know what you have the perfect boobs for? Surgery.” "I'm asking how I look in this dress to get comfort, so please give me a compliment." “Some uniqueness in a person is good, but you have too much.” "Yeah, you look like you used to work out a lot" "You never fail to disappoint" “Aren’t you gonna break the trampoline with your weight” “Been a long time, hey you've gained some weight!” "You did it! Great job! Never in my whole life did I think you'd actually succeed!" “Are you pregnant?” “Goatees are extremely hard to pull off. You either look like Frank Zappa or you look like a one star meth chef at a trailer park. It's the kind of thing that forces you to overdress to compensate.“ “Imagine distilling your own existence down to basic reproduction like a brainless amoeba.” “You need to rationalize the bitter loneliness you feel when it's clear you wasted your life.” “You know what kind of creature only wants to reproduce? A fucking virus.” “Even today, more than any other factor, a war is won and lost on logistics.” “The drop tanks were swapped for ice cream.” “Amateurs talk tactics, professionals talk logistics” “Logistics can’t win you a war, but it can lose one” “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

[sepublic]

            Bear with me, I drew this back in 2015, so the style is clearly outdated and my skill nascent. But I wanted to talk about this OC and felt lazy in redrawing her, so here we go!

         Barracudox the Water Wraith is obsessed with infinitesimal chances. With infinity and all of its countless variations and the implications of them, she read Borges’ Library of Babel and found the story to be one that deeply resonated with her improbable existence.

         To begin with, Barracudox was just a big, monstrous fish creature in the Monster Realm, wading throughout its swamps. Fully sapient like a lot of the monsters there, and minding her own business; Though in Barracudox’s case, she was rather amoral and didn’t mind eating people to feed herself.

         One day, this massive predator attacks a hapless traveler, except this traveler is not so helpless, and is in fact a witch! The witch casts a powerful spell they’ve been practicing and experimenting with for a while; One that fuses the atoms and molecules of two targets into a completely random, automatically generated fusion. The chances of a comprehensive result are totally outclassed by the chances of something senseless, I could never exaggerate just how much the odds are stacked against Barracudox.

         She and the surrounding water should’ve been mashed together into an incomprehensible mish-mash of various atoms and molecules with zero function whatsoever. But somehow, for some reason, Fate decided to not only smile upon Barracudox, but bless her deeply. And what emerged was not a horrific, wet mess of a body horror, but something refined.

         It resembled regular old Barracudox, but she had now been fused with the swamp water at an atomic level. Her whole body could now dissolve itself into water, which upon close inspection, was laced with greenish veins representing Barracudox’s organic parts, scattered and spread thin across her aquatic mass. As this perfect hybrid between creature and water, able to switch between both with ease, Barracudox had a wide range of abilities ahead of her.

         She could now shoot out powerful torrents and bursts of water, strong enough to smash through stone. Dissolve and expand her limbs into a massive water tendril, to strike with greater force. Seep through small cracks, form giant lips, fangs, and eyes within his watery form, and even little viper-like heads. Barracudox struck with the devastating force of a whirlpool and her grace in swimming had reached new heights, having become one with water itself. She could even split her watery mass into three parts, which would then reform into organic, smaller creatures, her mind evenly split across them all:

         Understandably though, Barracudox had to figure out and master her abilities first. So when the fusion finished, the disoriented Water Wraith immediately collapsed into an enormous blob of veiny water that mixed in with the swamp, and the witch, surprised by how clean the result was, ultimately thought not much else of it and wandered off.

         Existing in a completely alien state, Barracudox eventually realized she was still alive and conscious, and through sheer force of will, managed to literally pull herself together. Enamored by her new being, Barracudox began to experiment and practice, eventually figuring out her limits and all she could do.

         Barracudox was struck with an existential crisis, and sought out the witch who remade her. She successfully tracked them down, and Barracudox understood then the mechanics of the spell and what it had done. It was a less than a one-in-googolplex chance, but somehow Barracudox’s atoms fused perfectly with the water in a perfect recreation of herself that incorporated the liquid into her being.

         The enamored witch could not stress enough just how incomprehensibly unlikely this was. There were octillion, if not more, atoms involved in this fusion, and an exponential variety of combinations they could’ve resulted in; And yet they narrowed down into this one, perfect result.

         Barracudox was utterly struck. It wasn’t just herself that was reconstituted, it felt as if it was the very universe and her understanding of it. She wondered if she was still the same Barracudox as before, or not? But quickly she was reminded of her hunger, and decided to finish what she started and ate the witch, taking their notes for herself and retreating to her swamp.

         Barracudox rigorously studied the notes of the witch. Yadda-yadda, their fusion spell was part of their development into recreating the processes of the sun, or something like that. Barracudox wasn’t nearly as interested in the intended result, as what actually came about, because Fate has a way of surprising us, doesn’t it?

         Barracudox previously isolated herself in the wilderness of the Monster Realm, but she was filled with a dread and deep curiosity, a desire for answers. She ventured from her swamp again, this time seeking out civilization and integrating herself into it. All of this was so Barracudox could access scholarly texts and philosophies that could potentially provide the unknown answer to her unknown question, gnawing at her very soul.

         Paradoxes like the Ship of Theseus unsettled her, yet articulated Barracudox’s dilemma into relieving words. She studied deeply into alchemical matters, theses on chance and probability, and even dabbled into quantum physics. As mentioned before, Barracudox found the short story about the Library of Babel, and felt the premise spoke perfectly to her strange situation. Other stories, such as the House of Asterion, also touched her heart.

         Over time, Barracudox pondered her existence, the meaning behind it, why she’d achieved this indescribably lucky result. Did Fate have some plan for her? Was there a thing as Destiny, and did it have any limits? Where did those limits lie, where would one distinguish between fate and chance? Ideas of reincarnation and transformation dazzled Barracudox, and she became a self-made scholar in his own right.

         Ultimately, Barracudox resolved to do something with her life, in order to answer that question that still remained unsolved. She wanted to explore infinity, and one of the first places she could start was by perhaps replicating another like her. Thus, Barracudox researched into the witch’s notes, and eventually found an artifact that could replicate the same spell. Forging a lair of her own, Barracudox went on an interesting spree, kidnapping various living creatures to fuse with water, earth, metal, even the air itself.

         But the stars struck only once, and all of the results were grisly, chaotic messes. Barracudox figured that the time it’d take her to get through even one-trillionth of the possible combinations, not accounting for repetitions, would be well beyond her lifespan several times over. But for all of this talk of low probabilities that could only exist in the realm of the hypothetical, here she was. Here, she existed, so that had to have meant something.

         Of course, news and rumors spread of something snatching livestock, and eventually full-on people; Barracudox wondered if her miracle had anything to do with her own sapience, if that was a factor. Two wandering siblings heard of the mess, investigated, and came across Barracudox. They managed to defeat her in battle, destroying the magical artifact, but Barracudox was not perturbed.

         After all, in this realm of infinity, there was an endless array of options to exercise the miracle of her existence. Barracudox escaped and went on to dedicate herself to multiple causes and groups, all with one recurring thread; Wanting to enact some sort of major change to the status quo. As far as Barracudox was concerned, it didn’t have to be good or bad, so long as it was transformation, because she was enamored with the concept of change. She felt it was his responsibility to take advantage of his miracle to bring about more, it was her new reason for existing when before all she wanted to do was eat.

         The siblings came into conflict with Barracudox a few more times. Her causes were not societal ones like the reform of a government, little and insignificant things. Barracudox wanted to bring about changes that would alter the very fabric of nature and existence itself, truly grand in their scale and effect. Again and again, she was beaten, until finally Barracudox was captured. She was frozen in the Tower of Tears like so many others, subjected to endless nightmares, but even in these orchestrated dreams, Barracudox’s own mind still forged out her own ruminations on infinity…

         When the Tower of Tears was destroyed, Barracudox escaped alongside many others and sided with Midas’ group. She deeply appreciated Midas’ capacity for philosophy and frequent musings on nature, and the two struck up a great rapport over this. Likewise, Barracudox was intrigued by Tamericus’ research into alchemy and the Philosopher’s Stone, as the Homunculus saw herself responsible in finishing the work of her creator; Barracudox could relate, though she considered her ‘creator’ to be more Fate itself than the witch she devoured. Barracudox acts as a guardian, hidden in the sewer water around the Escapees’ underground base, and often transporting her allies through tunnels to their destination.

         That’s Barracudox! She’s a personal favorite in terms of design, personality, motivation. Her situation is just such an utter mindfuck the more you think about it, and boy did Barry think! As for some additional facts, I should mention that upon becoming the Water Wraith, Barracudox developed a particularly crippling weakness to electricity, for obvious reasons. She’s one of the most powerful Escapees, but she’s brought down by this enormous sensitivity.

         Additionally, Barracudox can be really fast, basically turning herself into a whirling current that drills its way forward… But there are certain places she won’t go, and that’s saltwater. She’s a freshwater creature first and foremost, and salt is painful to Barracudox, another of her big weaknesses. She also needs to be frequently, enormously hydrated, for obvious reasons. And when she talks, she always drags out her S’s like a snake. 

        Despite her animalistic appearance and verbal tic, Barracudox is quite the intellectual and it’s fun hearing her ramble for hours on end. It seems both ironic and appropriate that just as she has major weaknesses, she’s a friend of Midas, whose biggest weakness is water! But I guess it says a lot about their trust that Midas isn’t afraid, even if he does have his tactics to handle water.

         As you’ve noticed, Barracudox also has a pair of secondary heads, because when designing this creature, I just wanted to make a REALLY messed-up fish monster like you’d see in a videogame. In general, I was amused by the trope of videogame bosses with obvious weak points, like in Legend of Zelda and whatnot… So I thought, what if I gave that type of questionable anatomy to Barracudox, for fun? So she’s got a pair of flippers with giant eyes on them, for reasons. And a big glowing red spot on her chest…

         I mentioned Barracudox had other weaknesses, but this is her third one; The big red ‘gem’ on his chest. When she was reconstituted, this thing came into existence. It causes Barracudox massive pain when it’s struck, so she takes care to guard it. It does dissolve when she becomes a big blob of water, but there are benefits and downsides to both forms, and Barry has become fairly good at protecting her weak point. As a result, it’s kind of a bad idea to go for it, because Barracudox has fully predicted and planned around this maneuver in as many ways possible… But she’s sure there are infinite more variations to consider.

        What are her thoughts on his big, videogame boss weak spot? Same as her crippling sensitivity to electricity and salt, just one of the natural downsides that comes with her transformation. Barracudox understands evolution is not about becoming objectively better, it’s about adapting to situations, and that means becoming ill-equipped for other situations in the process (Diversity is the spice of life, the only way to survive).

        That’s how Barracudox views her new problems, and she wonders if Fate intended to humble her for his own good? Or the good of the grander universe, if there’s a distinction. Can’t let Barracudox be totally unstoppable in her goals she guesses, she understands that physics are often resistant to change, despite the inevitability of it and entropy. And yeah, Barry was def motivated by at least a little loneliness when she tried to create other improbabilities like her.

[patheticwithanem]

Dear...

...you,

I've been thinking about us lately. Maybe incessantly so? I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but it's getting kind of annoying if I'm being completely honest. We've been doing this for quite a while now: 10 MONTHS. Time flies when you're having fun, right?

Until you're not.

I'm not used to online dating, but October of last year I decided I'm going to put myself out there hoping I can find some connection that'll stick. That's huge, coming from me. I guess it was my existential crisis talking too; I wanted something of my own as my 30s "creep in". I know age is just a number but there's something about this dawn of a new era that just... sucked. The months leading up to it were filled with anxieties and fears and on top of that, a lot of reflection. Icing to the cake.

We met on December 30. It was our mutual love of Survivor that got me really interested. Your first message from a few weeks back was aggressive but unapologetically yourself. You didn't care if I shared the same opinion as yours. You just wanted to talk. I liked that. You were very engaging and a great conversationalist: exactly the type of person I was looking for.

Cutting to the chase, I'm not writing to tell you the story of how I fell in love with you. This is not about ruminating all the milestones we had the past couple of months. This is about telling you what I feel at this moment. RIGHT. NOW. It's just something I have to do before I drown in despair. I'm tired of holding back.

Oh, yeah. I love you.

As cliché as it sounds, I've never felt this with anyone, ever. I had relationships before but I don't know if I truly loved them. I can admit that. I appreciated them and I wanted them in my life at the time, but it never FELT LIKE THIS. Watching movies and TV when I was younger, I remember telling myself that love is overrated. Like how can something be so overwhelming it makes you do crazy shit? And this is coming from a proud hopeless romantic; how can something so plain and simple be so much more complicated when emotions get in the way? I'm not saying I will do some crazy shit - I mean, we'll see what the future holds (LOL), but as a full-pledged adult, I come to realize that love holds so much power. It really conquers all: fear, pain, hatred (well not poverty or corruption or toothache, but you get the drift). I guess you never truly "comprehend" it until you "live" it.

But I don't know if I can do this whole thing anymore. I'm a Yes guy, and that usually means I make the most compromises. With us, I feel like I do albeit a little too much. I find myself challenging my value system time and time when I'm faced to make decisions about us. How far am I willing to go? How much energy compromising am I willing to exhaust? And I don't think I'm exaggerating: I cater to your idea of a perfect "companion" ALL THE FREAKING TIME. That's another thing: I don't think you necessarily want what I want because it almost feels like you just need someone there with you, doing things with you. I usually am disappearing in the abyss of my own emotional and mental baggage, but to my surprise, in terms of "whatever I think this is", I know what I want. This is just not it.

I want to feel wanted. I want someone to look me in the eye and tell me that they love me for me. They love me for everything that I represent and everything that I stand up for. They love me for my quirks and in spite of my quirks. They love me for the things I hate most about myself. I want to feel wanted FOR ME. And I wish you can want me enough you feel the need to "lock this in", because you can't see a life without me, and you can't bear the thought of me sharing this connection with someone else. I have been waiting for you to feel that need to commit to me. I still haven't gotten that from you, and as we go along, I wonder if we're ever going to get to that point. It saddens me that I don't think we will. Do you really like me or do you just like the idea of me? Or maybe you just want my company? I maybe overthinking it, but how would I know if you don't give me anything?

You might want to ask: why am I expecting you to make that move? Why is it your call? To be fair, you made it very clear that you are not an emotional person. You never really experience high highs and low lows; you're perfectly fine with living in the calm. That's always been your narrative. I totally respect that, but here's the thing: I'm a sensitive guy. I'm in touch with my emotions almost all the time, and I learned through the years to let my walls down and allow myself to be vulnerable especially with the people I hold close to my heart. I get that you're a completely different person, but can you at least give me something to work on? I keep waiting for you to bring down your walls and really talk to me; but it's almost a year and you still haven't given me ANYTHING. I refuse to believe you're just dead on the inside because I see you. I know you have it in you. I see glimpses of what you can show if you just strip that off and learn to let go. I remember you hesitantly telling me you "like me" a couple of weeks ago and I laughed at you saying "of course". I'm sorry if that felt I dismissed what you were feeling because that wasn't my intention at all. My point is: we have been talking daily and spending time with each other for roughly 42 weeks. That's a huge amount of time. We should be past the point of just "liking each other".

Which brings me to this: when are you going to be emotionally available? How long are you asking me to wait? I know I want someone who can talk about their emotions. Talk about stuff you value the most! I keep giving you opportunities to do that but you never budge. It saddens me that besides the fact that you're a huge cinephile and you love French fries, I really don't know anything about you. You never really talk about your family even when I open that conversation. You never really talk about your childhood, your dreams and aspirations, your life. You give me crumbs and I give you all the fixins. How is that fair? Just so we're clear, I love the fact that you can be sweet if you want and you clearly love spending quality time with me. I love that. But can't you see it's not enough? I want to feel connected with you. I want the meat, not the garnish.

But self-awareness isn't your greatest suit either. You can be terribly insensitive sometimes. I allow you to be unapologetically yourself almost to the expense of me staying true to who I am. I can't be emotional. I can't be sexual. We're lucky we like a lot of things in common but you steer the wheel way too much. Most of the things we do still center around your interests; not much compromise there if you ask me. What about the other things that I want? When are you going to allow me to be in control even just a tiny bit? We had our first (and maybe technically our only) misunderstanding in March and truly, that was about your obsession about controlling everything. During our last vacation together, I remember you being all too difficult about the tours and the food and the itineraries. You do know I work for the services industry, right? Have you ever considered that that might be a reason why I don't want to bargain too much? And then there's this instance when you were deciding on posting content for social media and you made this remark about wanting to make it "bait-y"... You do realize you're telling that to me, right? Why are you implying you want to "bait" someone? I totally get it though. I would do that. I just don't think it's something I'll verbalize to my "companion" out of respect. And I know you still flirt with other people. I will own up to my complete breach of your privacy when I decided to snoop on your messages when you left your accounts on my computer, fine. But that just validated my suspicions: you were still going on dates April or May and you were still actively making suggestive advances (some were sexual) with the people you have dated. And the detective in me knows you were still accessing your dating apps in the office and at home six months in while we're dating. While it's fair that I had my share of side dates as well, I made a statement and deleted those applications. I made it known I don't need them anymore because I have you. How can I be so sure you did the same? Sure, I never asked for anything and I may be overreacting. I do acknowledge that. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable, right? Regardless, how do I remove that bitter taste in my mouth?

And the sex. THE SEX. You were very transparent from the get-go about having certain limits in the bedroom, I'll give you that. And you don't have the same insatiable sexual appetite as mine and I can't entirely fault you for that. But then when we talk about compromises, I expect you to try and do the same for me. I'm not asking for too much, but we already have our sexual incompatibility working against us. Can you just maybe try a little harder? I'm not pushing you to go beyond your boundaries. I respect them and I came to terms with having to work around it. But can you maybe put a little more effort in being more intimate with me? Maybe try to actively find ways how we can explore our sexualities together without having to rely on things you're not comfortable with and things you don't want to do? Can you stop being lazy about it and stop subconsciously implying that it's not as important in a genuine relationship? Because it is! For the longest time, I reigned it in. I knew the risk that I'm not always going to be satisfied sexually, but I took that risk because I want you. But please, I hope you see how much I have been trying. I wanted genuine connection to be the backbone of whatever we have. I'm intentionally suppressing my libido (for the lack of a better word) for you because I don't want to demand something you don't want to provide. I want to be doing it with you SO BAD but I don't want us to be a safe place for you. I don't ever want to make you feel uncomfortable. So please, since this is much more of a compromise for me than it is for you, can you just try harder?

I have been talking in circles but I'm glad I get to write about it now. I keep convincing myself that I'll just give it a year and if shit doesn't break the fan and nothing really happens, I might just have to let you go. But I don't want to; I love you. I love your smile and your passion for the things you love the most; your eloquence, and the way you say good morning, and the fact that I can talk with you for hours, and the way you just allow me to pace myself so I don't feel any sort of unnecessary pressure, and that I don't feel any judgment when I'm around you, and all the little things I have been taking notes since the day I laid eyes on you.

Looking back, these are things I never really expected to come out of my mouth and mean it. So please, don't let me run away. Make me stay.

Please.

[nicklloydnow]

“Around the world, authoritarian regimes are failing. In an era of global stagnation, their inability to deliver on promises to provide jobs, tackle poverty and grow their middle classes is coming to a head. Paranoid about internal dissent, autocrats thus have a growing incentive to bet the farm on shoring up their power by focusing on external enemies, whether via expansionist regional wars or high-risk existential conflicts against the West.

The fast-moving crisis that has erupted following a drone attack on a US base near Jordan’s border with Syria is a perfect example of our frightening new reality. Although Iran has denied any direct involvement, it is clear that it is deeply implicated in what is merely the latest in a string of Tehran-linked attacks designed to drive the US from the Middle East.

Given the inevitable US response, it begs the question: why would Iran partake in such a reckless escapade in the first place? The point that is often missed in all the usual observations of Iran as a mad, evil fundamentalist regime is that it is also a failing one.

The decline of Iran is among the most extraordinary stories of modern times. It was one of the great ancient civilisations, auspiciously situated at the centre of global trade and presiding over some of the world’s largest oil and gas reserves. But a fossilised and inept theocracy has reduced it to a dumpster fire of a country. Its infrastructure is comparable with that of a war-torn state, half of the population lives in poverty.

As the scale of the mullahs’ national mutilation becomes impossible to conceal, and protest movements grow, the embattled regime has sought to deflect from its failings by doubling down on long-standing ambitions to establish itself as a regional hegemon, creating a “Shia Crescent” that can function both as a defensive sectarian shield against the Sunni and Western infidels and as a focus of imperialistic pride. Becoming a nuclear power is, of course, crucial, to such a vision.

(…)

This chimes with a pattern that historians have identified throughout history. What previous world wars teach us is that it is not confident and successful countries that start wars, but corroded and schizophrenic ones that both suffer from grandiose delusions and mortal dread of the future.

Today this paradox of the fragile aggressor is playing out not only in Iran, but to an even more terrifying extent in Russia. The Putin regime has spectacularly failed to capitalise on Russia’s inbuilt advantages – not least its embarrassment of natural resources – to raise living standards and create prosperity. Much of the Russian population lives on the brink of destitution, and the country is stuck in an oil trap usually reserved for third-world nations. State predation, creeping monopolisation, cronyism, and a baroque universe of lies have seen the gains from market reforms in the 1990s squandered.

Putin, in response, is attempting to arrest economic and demographic decline and deflect from his failures at home through conquest. While they call her the bear, post-Soviet Russia is more akin to the jellyfish that continues to release devastating toxins into the water after death, its attack cells firing uncontrollably even after decapitation.

(…)

One might even speculate whether gathering clouds in China could see Beijing flirt with a civilisational war with the West. Xi Jinping’s one-time grand strategy – to maintain exceptional growth rates, largely via a state-engineered investment – has collapsed. He has responded by shifting China towards a military-autocratic model – from the pursuit of the China Dream to a vision of Greater China. His new “military-civil fusion” strategy, which aims to make China the most technologically advanced military power in the world, reflects this pivot.

Nor is the notion that China could raise the risks of a new world war by invading Taiwan unthinkable. Xi knows he may have only limited time to act; while it is believed that, by 2027, Beijing will have military superiority over the US in the Taiwan Strait, given its shrinking population and stagnant economy, it is an open question how long that could last.

The conventional attitude is that, if World War Three arose, it would be by accident. But we should entertain the possibility that autocratic leaders – tortured by the prospect of death in the event of their fall from power – will be willing to pursue survival strategies that, while irrational to us, appear deeply rational to them. They may pose a threat to human survival on par with, say, inadequately secure pathogen labs or the uncontrolled evolution of AI.

The risk is amplified in an era when rogue dictators genuinely think that they can win. As it moves to a “strike-first” nuclear doctrine, Russia is increasingly convinced it has an advantage in the event of nuclear war. The Iran regime, having weathered a generation of isolation, could well be suffering from “survival arrogance”.

The West, if it is to contain the authoritarian threat, will have to make use of what is a perilous trump card of its own: its own unpredictability, inherent in being democracies. From the normalisation of relations with China in the 1970s, which blindsided the Soviet Union, to the surprisingly robust response to the invasion of Ukraine, the West is feared by its enemies because they can never quite know what it will do next. It may have to roll the dice once more to maintain its supremacy.”

“President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia once proclaimed the dissolution of the Soviet empire “the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the 20th century.” At the time, back in 2005, few expected him to do anything about it.

But then came Russia’s occupation of Abkhazia and South Ossetia from Georgia in 2008, its backing for Ukrainian separatists and the annexation of Crimea in 2014 and, most resoundingly, the full-scale invasion of Ukraine in 2022.

Now, with the rise of former President Donald J. Trump, who in the past has vowed to leave NATO and recently threatened never to come to the aid of his alliance allies, concerns are rising among European nations that Mr. Putin could invade a NATO nation over the coming decade and that they might have to face his forces without U.S. support.

(…)

NATO maintains that it is prepared to defend the borders of all 31 member states which, collectively, have increased national defense spending by an estimated $190 billion since 2014, when Russia first invaded Ukraine. But that was the start of building back what had become a hollowed-out military network across Europe in the decades following the end of the Cold War, a process that still could take years, analysts say.

(…)

In 2006, worried about being unprepared for conflict, the top defense officials from each NATO country agreed to spend at least 2 percent of their annual domestic output on their militaries. But it was not a requirement, and when military spending hit a low point in 2014, only three of the 28 member nations of NATO at the time met the benchmark. As of last year, only 11 countries had reached the 2 percent threshold, although a Western diplomat said last week that around 20 member states are expected to meet it in 2024.

(…)

And the prospect of Mr. Trump’s returning to the White House has forced Europeans to come to grips with the possibility that American support for Ukraine, or even its leadership role in NATO, could be drastically reduced as soon as next year, Mr. Skaluba said.

(…)

“We don’t think that this question is whether or not” Russia will try to invade, Colonel Tikerpuu said last month from his command headquarters at Taara Army Base. For many Estonians, he said, “It’s only a question of when.””

“Cabinet Office experts have drawn up a National Risk Register which analyses the biggest threats facing the UK over the next two years.

It ranks the likelihood of a Russian attack on a non-Nato ally, with which Britain has a mutual security pact, at more than 25 per cent.

(…)

The risk register also warned there is a danger that Vladimir Putin could invade a Nato ally, triggering the alliance’s mutual defence clause.

It said such aggression would require the UK to trigger “a full range of military, diplomatic, economic and information capabilities” in response.

That would mean sending in the Army alongside other European allies to hold off Russian troops until support from the US military could arrive.

In the worst-case scenario the risk assessment warned Nato could respond but “hostile state forces are not ejected and the crisis continues”.”

[zen-garden-gnome]

Bearing the unbearable

It’s popular belief that facing unbearable information risks spreading absolute hopelessness. Not only is this (mostly) untrue, it protects the lifestyles and power structures of those who benefit most from our toxic systems.

While there may be a period of denial, grief, shame, or panic that comes with facing terrible truths and deep discomforts (about climate, about culture, about racism, about gender, about loss, about death), remember that these are just stops on the way to acceptance. Time continues, feelings and associations change, and eventually our worldview adjusts. From there, we can finally operate with different priorities. That’s where real change becomes possible. Not perfection, not guaranteed accuracy, not even necessarily survival. But facing the existential dread allows us to realign with life, which paves the way for changes in the future.

(Besides, when our identities open up beyond our tiny concepts of an individual self, “survival” also becomes a completely different possibility.)

BUT, in order to face the darkness (particularly while surrounded by so many voices and algorithms vying for our reactionary attention), it’s more important than ever to have support in those moments. Not comfort, but space, with some bumpers to help keep us out of the gutter.

Processing takes time, and making it through that time also requires being rooted in something deeper and bigger than our little individual selves in that moment. Our wider relationships extend our nervous system and help us process so much more, which makes our sense of separation from the living world extremely relevant.

When we’re vulnerable and shaken, it’s easy for someone to redirect our energy or for us to shy away from an honest response or introspection because it feels at odds with how we see ourselves, or how we may think others see us, or whatever feels “normal” to do.

This is our collective existential crisis. Whether we choose to bury our heads in the sand (business-as-usual); throw up our hands in disgust with our own “hopeless” species (apocalyptic thinking, which usually underestimates or completely ignores the role of colonization); or participate in an effortful and shift into a totally different way of engaging with the living world (realigning with life), we’re guaranteed discomfort. Every path forward will be deeply challenging and won’t reflect what most of us thought life would be when we were kids. It certainly isn’t reflected in the lives our current systems are telling us to live. The messages our bodies are giving us don’t align with the things our economy and politics are telling us to prioritize.

So if none of it feels good, there’s no reason not to choose the discomfort that aligns with life.

I call the process of leaning into these adjustments “re-naturalization,” and it will take lifetimes. That’s how you know it’s the real deal. No false promises, no shortcuts, just The Work. And again, when our identities open up beyond our tiny concepts of an individual self, the idea of only making choices based on the personal effects in our very limited lifetime is truly absurd.

...Criminal, even. Violent. Irresponsible. And so, so sad.

And after sitting with it, we find we have deeper reservoirs of wisdom and compassion that help us navigate even more skillfully.

[blackberryblueberry]

H, 7th meeting

H met me at the theatre. My friend A was there. She'd been announcing that she was sober, but her hands were shaking as she offered us Haribo gummy bears. I've seen relapses, and the way a person would try to conceal them, betting on your obliviousness. She was alone; her boyfriend, whom I'd encouraged her to leave, was spending the evening with his ex-girlfriend. The doors opened and H and I sat together and watched two pre-revolution films by Kiarostami; his first feature film, Experience, and an interview-format documentary called First Case, Second Case. Before Experience, the programmer screened a video that he'd received from the writer of the film, a sweet and enthusiastic message of gratitude. Before screening First Case, Second Case, the programmer showed us a slide show of the people interviewed in the documentary, and listed where they'd gone to school (always some Western liberal arts institution) and what role they eventually played in Iran after the 1979 revolution. Some of them became influential, brutal, and oppressive state actors after the revolution. But while watching the documentary, you couldn't sniff out the future brutality. Everyone sounded conscientious and idealistic.

After the film, we said goodbye to A, and then got Turkish food, and then took the S-bahn home. We took some selfies on the train. Selfies could never quite capture how attractive I thought H was. We'd caught a train that ran on a ring outer to the one we needed, so we transferred at one point, and then I mused that if we'd rode the train one more stop, we could have gotten off near Treptower Park and walked. H was struck with disappointment. "I would have really enjoyed that walk," he said. He fell silent, lost in regret.

The walk we eventually made crossed over the Spree, and was a walk I didn't mind. It was late when we got home and I was very tired, but I had made up my mind to have sex with him because I'd canceled on him rudely the night before. "I want you to talk to me," I said, while under him. "Disrespect me. Tell me I'm not good for anything except sex." I wanted to work out the frustrations I had the past week, feeling like a failure and a doormat, feeling like I'd lost control of my own time, hadn't done what I'd come here to do and ended up pulled in many directions by many different people.

H obliged. "You're not good for anything except getting fucked," he said. "And that's what I'm going to do--come around whenever I want to and fuck you and you're going to be waiting with your collar on, and your collar is going to have a little H on it to signal that you're mine."

"I'll be sitting at home waiting, doing nothing but waiting," I said, gasping. It was a release to say this aloud, to be naming that thing I hated while someone was aggressively fucking me.

I got on top of him and rode him slowly, almost as a break for myself, but also to relax into something more sensual and stimulating. H was moaning. "Here you were saying you don't ride dick but you do it so well," he said. After he said that I adjusted my position and tried to do what I thought was "riding dick" in my head-- to be more upright and move on the dick faster. But H said, "It felt good what you were doing. Do what feels good for you," and I came back down, slowed down again, brought my face and body closer to his. It was interesting that he'd noticed; I was turned on by him telling me to do what felt good for me because it also felt good for him.

H's command of English wasn't perfect and sometimes I had to wince my way through the things he'd say. "I'll fuck you very well," he said once, and had me composing a tweet in my head. But at one point he said, "You came to Berlin to find yourself, and you've found out you're only good for this" and I immediately started coughing. I threw my hands up, waving it all away. "Oh God," I said. "Sorry. Um. I can't." My constant existential crisis, exposed--too real. I pushed him out of me and lay on my side in the fetal position, cringing but laughing to myself.

Sex with H was only getting better. He was very careful around my need for breaks, and I trusted him. So I was free to make it more obvious that I was hungry for his aggression. He topped me and pretzeled my legs, and later fucked me while I lay on my stomach, with his hands pressing my lower back into the bed and angling up my ass. I used up the leftover water-based lube that H had bought previously and we went until I dried up from simply being too tired. H obeyed as soon as I asked him to stop. I hadn't come. He masturbated as I played with his nipples. He came all over the both of us and also on the sheets. By the time we showered, it was past 3am, and we were both dismayed. I pointed at the cum stains on the sheets and asked, "Are you okay with sleeping with cum on the sheets?"

"Yes, but let's change it because you're not," H said. I realized how indirect I'd been. I could have just said, "I don't want to sleep with your cum on the sheets" or even earlier told H not to take the condom off.

So H helped me change the sheets, and then we went to sleep.

The next morning we lazed in bed for a bit, even though I thought perhaps I should ask him to go so that I could have time to myself. But when H actually announced he was leaving, I grew moody, because I didn't want him to go. And I went, "Is this just sexual?"

H grew frustrated. He sat down on a chair and said, "I thought this was resolved. Why are you bringing this up again?"

"Why are you getting mad?"

"Because we talked about this already, but somehow the issue isn't closed."

"I need to talk about it again."

I didn't really know what I was trying to say. Only that I felt bad. I felt unfulfilled. I wanted someone who would stay in bed with me and we could tell each other that we loved one another. I didn't want a relationship, but my little bird brain wanted love. "I need to know how you feel about me. It feels bad that we don't talk about feelings."

"So you want me to tell you I love you and say this kind of shit?"

I grew tearful. I avoided. "Well, I don't know the difference between like and love..."

"Yes, that's true, it's a spectrum. Why do you even want that? You're only here for a few weeks."

"I know," I said hastily. "That's why I'm with you. Because I made that calculation." But I should have said, "Don't tell me what I should want."

An honest answer could have been, yes, I do want love. I want to fall in love and be in love. I've wanted this for months. I struggled to find the words, and H said, "Speak your mind!" And I produced this answer: "I'm unhappy because things aren't the same between us; you have an emotionally committed relationship and I don't; I have a desire for partnership and an emotional connection that I can't release. And I want to release it."

It was a "correct" answer--the type I make when I'm uncomfortable--but it wasn't a totally dishonest answer. It was true; I both wanted to fall in love and also didn't believe it was right to fall in love with H, who lived on another continent and was already in a serious and committed relationship. But perhaps in the moment I did want H to stay in bed with me and to simulate for me that loving romantic partnership, because it'd feel good. It'd lull me to sleep. I don't like saying goodbye. I don't like to be left alone.

I like being alone. Just not being left alone. Alone is always fine; it's often better. But the moment of leave-taking is always unhappy.

"I think you're good," H said. He hugged me tightly. "Let my body tell you how I feel about you." It sounded like a cop-out. But unlike with A, with whom it was impossible to talk, H not meeting my emotional needs made it easier for me to emotionally detach. His hug made me feel better, and when he left I felt all right.

[saarik]

summer 2022

sandman - this was a pretty reasonable adaptation of very difficult/epic source material. when i first read sandman, i imagined something like this when i thought of a screen version. it works better in a serial tv format simply due to the complexity of the story so this was a slam dunk for me. clearly neil gaiman signed off on this and collaborated (unlike in alan moore’s case). unfortunately it does take some time to pick up, but your patience will be rewarded.

industry - entourage/euphoria for finance bros? i love that its set in london through the eyes of an american for my own selfish reasons. the main standout is really the soundtrack as some of the plot/characters don’t have a lot of depth...but it’s a fun soapy show.

harley quinn - surprisingly sharp and inspired. hilarious and cutting writing that pokes fun at so many of the comic book tropes. overall great voice acting and the right amount of irreverence to the greater, stronger stories of the past dc universe make this show a standout. 

westworld - i wasn’t too keen on season 3, but I think this latest season has really sucked me back in. i think that it feels like the series is going back to its roots in terms of twists/turns but not in terms of the actual content to just rehash the same scenarios (season 2). lots of great callbacks, but kept me guessing. 

the rehearsal - this show can be described as the deranged, malformed brainchild of nathan fielder in what seems to be a perfect form. nathan for you meets an astounding hbo budget meets the absolute limit of absurdist cringe comedy wrapped in some sort of existential mid-life crisis. I’ve never been as enthralled or as uncomfortable in observing the human condition.

the bear - i’ve never worked in the service industry so I can’t speak to how “real” their portrayal of the restaurant business is, but this is a fucking good show. it’s an emotional rollercoaster in the best way so buckle up.