#the pork loin did stay tender to my surprise

[johnny1note]

voilà

[leisurelypanda]

Trigger warning: panic attack

Steve woke the next day feeling significantly better than he had the day before. His anxiety, which was no longer had the dial cranked to 11, had not died down completely, but enough to the point that it was manageable. Thankfully, it was Saturday, so he didn’t have to actually be anywhere.

Wait, he thought. There’s Thor’s thing today. Right. Am I going to that?

The problem was that he had no idea when this thing was starting. Was it an all day event? An afternoon party? In the evening? He had no idea. All he knew was that it was apparently some important religious event for Thor.

Does that mean I have to dress like I’m going to church? he wondered. He really didn’t feel like dressing in anything but comfortable pants and a t-shirt and probably a hoodie or a jacket or something.

He decided that the easiest way to find out was to text Thor and ask. He floundered for his phone on the bedside table and saw that it was nearly noon. Not surprising. He usually slept more after his anxiety started dying down. He never slept soundly through the night, but he would take what he could get. He also noticed that Thor had texted him that morning asking if he was coming.

When is it? he texted. Do I have to dress up?

He sighed, letting his head flop down onto his pillows again. He groaned, but pushed himself off the bed. He needed to be ready to go whenever this thing was going to start. He did his morning ablutions, grateful that he had the energy to do them.

“Feeling better this morning?” his mother asked as he walked into the kitchen.

“Yeah, not at 100% but better,” he answered.

“Good,” she said, presenting him with his morning dose of his meds. Being a nurse she could be particularly insistent about taking his meds as prescribed. Not that he ever really needed persuading anymore, he knew he would feel better when he did. Theoretically they were supposed to be working towards getting him off them, but… progress was slow going lately.

“Any plans for today?” she asked.

“Thor has some party going on tonight or something,” he said. “It’s not Halloween, though, it’s… Samhain? I think that’s what it’s called.”

“Really? He’s pagan?” she asked.

“You’ve heard of it?”

“You meet all sorts of people at the hospital,” she said. “One of the perks of being a nurse. It’s the pagan new year to honor the ancestors, I believe. It’s also a time to reflect on what’s happened over the past year and what you’d like to do differently.”

“Maybe there’s a way to exempt one particular ancestor from honoring,” he muttered.

“Hey, just because you’re going doesn’t mean you have to take part,” she said. “Just like church. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do.” I suppose that’s true, he thought. He looked down as his phone buzzed. Thor had gotten back to him.

It starts at 6, it read. And no, you only have to dress up if you want to.

Well that’s something, he thought.

I’ll be there, he texted.

Great! Do you need a ride or will your mom bring you? She is welcome to stay if she wants.

“Mom, how do you feel about going to a Samhain party?” he asked.

“Steve, I haven’t been to a party in years,” she said. “I’d love to go!”

“Cool, it’s at 6,” he said.

“Well, at least that gives me time to dress nice and put on my makeup,” she said, cheerfully. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

His mother pulled into a parking spot on the street near Thor’s house. There was already quite a few people there from the looks of things. Steve was dressed in comfortable clothes and immediately started to worry about whether or not he was under dressed, whether Thor was just trying to be nice but actually wanted him to dress up, whether he was about to disappoint literally everyone and make Thor look bad. He debated hiding in a bush.

“You’ll be fine, Steve,” she said quietly. “He wouldn’t have invited you if he didn’t want you to be here.”

“I know,” he said. He took a deep breath and got out of the car. He led his mom to the Odinson residence and chuckled as she whistled.

“What did you say his father does, again?” she asked, staring up at an entire building for a single family.

“He’s the chief diplomat at the Swedish embassy,” Steve answered.

“Not too shabby,” she said before she walked up to the front door. Mr. Baker was the one to open when she knocked.

“Ms. Rogers,” he greeted with a smile. “So happy to see you again.”

“You’ve met?” Steve asked.

“When he picked you up for the Homecoming dance,” she explained. “So good to see you again, Bertie.”

“Bertie?”

“Mr. Baker,” Mr. Baker corrected sternly. “Please come in.”

He took their coats as they stepped into the house. It was unlike how Steve remembered. There were lots of autumnal decorations like wreaths of fall leaves, pumpkins, vases in the classic fall colors. There was even an alter that Steve didn’t remember decorated with skulls, a small figurine of the grim reaper, pictures of various people that Steve figured were Thor’s ancestors. There was also a small basket of apples placed, some herbs he couldn’t name, and a twig with some kind of pine needles. It was beautiful in its way.

They made their way out to the backyard where everyone seemed to be gathering. Steve immediately realized that even though Thor told him he didn’t have to dress up, nearly everyone there had not gotten the same message. Given that it was Halloween, that meant a different kind of dress. There were people in superhero costumes, there were nurses, doctors, animals, and even a couple people who were impersonating presidents. Unfortunately, there were no bushes for Steve to hide in. He was at a social function feeling too awkward to express and there was nowhere for him to hide.

“There you are, älskling,” said a voice. Steve turned around to see his boyfriend descend from the steps of the porch and pull him into an embrace. He was dressed in his suit again and Steve’s mouth started to salivate at the sight. It was quickly becoming his favorite image of Thor. He kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “I am so glad you could make it.”

“I feel like hiding under a rock,” he admitted.

Thor took his hand. “Is your anxiety still giving you trouble?” he asked.

“It always gives me trouble, but it’s better than it was yesterday,” Steve replied.

“I am glad, then,” Thor said, lacing their fingers together. “It is good to see you again, Ms. Rogers. We are glad you could join us this evening.”

“My pleasure, Thor,” she said with a smile. “It is good to see you as well. Steve doesn’t tell me nearly enough about you.”

“Perhaps you can work your charm on my mother, then,” he said gesturing across the crowd. “I am sure she would love nothing better than to tell you every embarrassing detail of my life.”

“What else are mothers for?” she said. “Excuse me.”

“Are you hungry?” Thor asked.

“Starving,” he admitted. “This isn’t a holiday where you have to fast, is it?”

Thor laughed loudly. “Not unless you desire to do so,” he said. “Which would be a shame because the pig roast this year is particularly good.”

“A pig roast?” Steve asked. “Are you pulling my leg?”

Thor chuckled and led him to the part of the yard with the buffet table. There was, indeed, an entire barbecued pig with an apple in its mouth on the center of the table. People had helped themselves to some of it, but there was still plenty of meat left. Not surprising, since the beast looked heavier than he did.

“So… how does this work?” he asked. “Do I just… tear off a piece?”

Thor held up a set of carving implements. “What do you want? Ham? Loin? Bacon? The ribs have been spoken for, unfortunately.”

“By whom?” Steve demanded.

“By me, of course,” Thor said with a grin.

“What if I asked nicely?” Steve asked. Thor’s eyes became hooded.

“I suppose, I could make an exception for you,” he grumbled. “Since you are very cute tonight.”

Steve’s entire face began to heat up at that. Trust his boyfriend to make him feel flustered and awkward at the first opportunity. His boyfriend had the nerve to chuckle as he smiled at him.

“Have I told you recently how beautiful you are when you blush?” he asked.

“Don’t you dare,” Steve cried, burying his face in his hands.

“You are so beautiful, I cannot help it, my älskling,” he said, laughing.

“Give me some pork,” Steve replied.

“Coming right up!”

The insufferable man chuckled as he expertly carved the pig to get the desired meat. Though Steve did step back to admire him. He filled out the suit nicely, the fabric’s cut accentuating his broad shoulders. He looked as comfortable in a suit as he did in jeans and a t-shirt, a football jersey, or in business casual attire. Steve’s eyes wandered down to his boyfriend’s most beautiful… asset. His ass. It was… magnificent.

“You’re quiet back there,” Thor said without turning around. Instead, he bent down further to get more food. “You didn’t get distracted by anything, I hope.”

“Yeah, right,” he replied. “Nothing to see back here.”

“That’s a shame,” Thor said, turning around. He presented him with a plate of barbecue pork, sweet corn, and roasted butternut squash.

“Thanks,” he said. Then he took a deep breath, smelling the aroma of fresh food and Thor’s cologne. “Your butt looks nice.”

Thor chuckled. “But I thought you said there was nothing to be seen,” he teased. Then he kissed him and Steve hummed appreciatively. He could taste the barbecue and spices on his tongue. “Thank you, Steve.”

Steve blushed for the 1000th time since he arrived and decided that the best course of action was to occupy his face with eating. The pork was tender and succulent and the barbecue sauce was a heat to it that complimented the food nicely.

“So,” Steve said as they meandered through the yard. “If I didn’t have to dress up, why are you in a suit?”

“I wanted you to be comfortable,” Thor said. “And my family is hosting a party, so I have to wear a suit.”

“Speaking of the party,” he said as they approached the bonfire. “Is there any like, deeper meaning to everything here?”

“Well, Samhain was the harvest festival,” Thor explained. “It symbolized the end of the growing season and the coming of the winter months. So the bobbing for apples and the carving of pumpkins were ways to celebrate, give thanks, and remember the cycle of life in preparation for winter. There is also a plate of food at the end of the table for the ancestors.”

“And the bonfire?” he asked.

“Another Samhain tradition,” he explained. “You write something that you would like to leave in the past year, like a habit, and cast it into the flames.”

“I would like to be less afraid,” Steve said.

“My älskling,” Thor said. “You are already one of the bravest people I know.”

“And yet I am still afraid all the time,” he replied. Thor was silent for a while as they stared at the flames dancing in the pit.

“I do not know as much about magick as Loki or mother,” he said. “But perhaps it would help.”

Steve thought for a moment. Thor took a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket. Steve handed him his plate and took the supplies Thor offered. He thought for another moment. Anxiety wasn’t really a habit. But it was something he wanted to be able to rid of. Or at least, be in control of, to one extent or another. It was unlikely that he would ever actually be rid of his mental illness.

Screw it, he thought. He wrote down his anxiety and tossed it into the flames. Whether there was any magic in it at all, whether there were any gods watching out for him, whether his prayer was heard, he didn’t know. But there was some small measure of satisfaction in watching the piece of paper with the thing that had dominated his life for so long burn to ash. As the embers rose up into the night sky under the light of the moon, he imagined his fear and anxiety flying away with them.

“How does it feel?” Thor asked.

“It feels good, honestly,” Steve answered. Thor kissed his head.

“Ah Steve, welcome,” said a new voice. It was Loki. He was standing on the other side of him. Unlike Thor, he was dressed in a Victorian style vest with a green button down shirt and tight black slacks. The Odinson men seemed to like tight clothing, especially pants. “I hope you are enjoying Samhain?”

“It’s been interesting so far,” he said.

“I am glad,” he said. “My mother was looking for you. She has something for you.”

Steve took his plate back from his boyfriend. “Shall we move on?” he proposed. Thor nodded. “Where can we find her?”

“She’s on the porch sitting on a couch,” Loki indicated with a nod. Steve looked through the crowd and saw his mother talking to Thor’s. He smiled as he realized she was laughing. They made their way through the crowd and sat down at some other chairs in the vicinity.

“Steve, welcome!” Frigga cried. “Come, I want to do something for you.”

“Ma’am you really don’t have to,” he protested. “You’ve given me more than enough.”

“It is not a gift, per se,” she said. She took out a deck of cards. They were larger than the average playing deck and definitely had more than 52 cards. “I would like to offer you a reading, if you agree.”

“A reading of what?” he asked.

“Tarot, älskling,” Thor said. “She’s offering you a tarot reading.”

“Like, to look into the future?” he asked.

“Tarot cannot actually tell the future, dear,” she said. “It is more of a way of looking at your situation from another perspective.”

“All right, then. I can give it a whirl,” he said. It made about as much sense as the rosary to him, honestly.

“Excellent,” she said. She set the cards down in front of him. “Now, I want you to think carefully about something you want clarity on and focus on that as you shuffle the cards.”

“Oh,” he said. Once again he gave his food to Thor and took the cards. They were a bit of a stretch for his hands, honestly. He struggled with them for a moment, but he was able to bridge them a few times before he cut the deck and bridged it once more. Frigga had him lay out five cards, one in the center, representing himself, and four around representing what he needed to know to the east, his home life in the south, his relationships in the west, and the outcome in the north. When he was done she offered a prayer to a god he noticed shared her name and bowed his head out of respect.

The first card was labeled, “Knight of Pentacles” and it was upside down.

“This card here represents feeling stuck,” Frigga explained. “You feel like you’re not making as much progress as you would like.”

“That makes sense,” Steve said. “I thought my anxiety was getting better, but…”

“You feel like it’s not as much as you thought,” she finished. “The Knight of Pentacles can also be a sign that you are too critical, demanding perfection from yourself. You might need to learn to be kinder to yourself.”

Steve hummed. Frigga turned over the next card.

“The six of wands,” she read. “This card means progress and having faith in yourself. Since it is here in the place of what you need to know going forward, I would say that it is reiterating the message of the knight. You need to have confidence in yourself. You’re more capable than you think, dear.”

“I mean, if it was that easy to have more confidence I wouldn’t be in this mess,” Steve grumbled.

“I know, dear,” she said. “The card also symbolizes success. Your mother has told me something of what you’ve been through. You have made more progress than you realize.”

Steve looked at his mother quizzically.

“Nothing personal,” she said. “Just about Joe.”

“Oh, that’s okay then,” he said. He turned over the next card, his home card.

“The knight of wands, inverted,” she said. “Feeling impatient lately?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Knight cards usually symbolise action,” she explained. “When they’re inverted, they represent inaction, a block, or sometimes restlessness. The knight of wands especially represents wanting to move on, but not being able to.”

He nodded in understanding. “I wish I could forget that it ever happened and get to the part where everything is better already.”

“There is no path except the slow one, I’m afraid,” Frigga said gently. “Make sure that you don’t rush into anything before you’re ready.”

Steve thought for a moment. “Thor could you get me a drink?”

“Of course,” he said. Steve took a bite of the squash and waited until he was gone to ask his question. “What if…?”

Frigga waited patiently for him to finish.

“What if I’m not ready… in time?”

“In time for what?” she asked.

“You know…”

“Sex?” she finished. He nodded and blushed furiously as she chuckled.

“Thor will not push you into anything you are not ready for, dear,” she said. “You need not worry.”

“You know telling someone with anxiety not to worry isn’t really helpful,” Steve said with a laugh. She laughed as well.

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” she said. She flipped over the next card. “Now this is a good sign.”

“What’s a good sign?” Thor asked. “I brought cider. It’s clean.”

“Thanks,” Steve said. “Apparently my relationship card is good.”

“It’s the two of cups,” she explained. “It represents that you and Thor are on the same page and that your relationship is harmonious. It’s a good card to have in your relationship place.”

“Does it mean that we’re soulmates or something?” Steve asked.

“It means you’re a good match for each other, at the very least,” she said, her eyes twinkling. Thor laced their fingers together.

“Thor, we might be good for each other, but I still need my hand to eat,” Steve said with a laugh. Thor kissed his hand before he let it go.

“You two are so cute, it’s nauseating,” Steve’s mom said. Steve stuck his tongue out at her in reply.

“The last card, your outcome,” Frigga said. “The ace of swords. This is probably the best card in the spread. Aces represent new beginnings, and the ace of swords in particular represents making a breakthrough, which is what you’re after.”

“Well, thank God for that,” he said.

“You just have to be patient,” his mother teased.

“Damn it,” he muttered. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the party passed more or less like any other Halloween party Steve had ever gone to. There were some people drunk on the cider, but remarkably, he didn’t react that much. Aside from his anxiety he wasn’t really having a bad time. Thor bobbed for apples and absolutely ruined his suit, much to Steve and Loki’s amusement. His new outfit when he came back was much simpler: jeans and a hoodie. And immediately tried again. This time he succeeded.

“I told you I could do it,” he bragged, taking a bite out of the apple.

“Sorry I ever doubted you, dear brother,” Loki drawled.

“I never doubted you, babe,” Steve said.

“At least someone has good sense,” he said, striding over to him and kissing him. Loki made some kind of disgusted noise and comment about the two of them being gross, but Steve wasn’t listening. The fact that Thor was completely drenched didn’t even seem to matter.

Then he felt it. The fear. The sudden onset of terror. It seized him like a back alley thief. He was going to die.

I’m going to die! I’m not ready to die! he thought frantically. The words raced through his mind at top speed, like a racecar running round and round in an endless loop.

His body began to tremble and his heart was racing like he was running a marathon. He began to break out in a cold sweat. He jumped away from his boyfriend like he was on fire. Thor moved back and looked him in the eyes.

“Do you want to go inside?” he asked. “We do not need to stay out here.”

“Yes,” he managed to say. “Yes.”

“Can I touch you?” he asked. Steve nodded. He took Steve’s hand. His grip was gentle, but firm.

Thor led him through the crowd, careful to keep people at bay. Steve was shaking like a leaf as he was led away. It took all his concentration not to break into a dead run and break through the crowd of people until he was inside. To his surprise their mothers were both inside on the couch. Steve sat on the nearest available space on the couch. Thor sat next to him, holding his hand. He was talking to him about something but Steve couldn’t keep track of what it was.

Their mothers, thankfully, did not approach him. His mother knew that when he was like this, he really could only handle one person at a time usually. Frigga left, but she returned later and handed something to Thor. Steve felt something warm and damp at his forehead. A rag. Or something like that. He focused on his breathing as much as possible. He needed to breathe.

And then, as soon as it had appeared, it was gone. His heart rate slowed, his body normalized. He took a deep, slow breath. Then another. And another. He collapsed back against the couch with a sigh. Couch. Thor’s couch. Thor’s couch in Thor’s house. Thor’s hand was holding his.

God, Steve thought. He was so… tired.

“How long did it take?” he asked.

“37 minutes from when Thor brought you in,” his mom said. “A bit longer than usual.”

“God,” he whispered. Sometimes, like when it happened at school with Thor after he had seen him have a panic attack the first time, he could laugh it off. Sometimes, like now and the first time he’d had one here, it left him exhausted and raw, like an exposed nerve. He was trying to do some of the coping mechanisms he learned to deal with the anxiety after his panic attack, but he was too high strung right now. He couldn’t focus on them.

“Do you need anything?” Thor asked. Steve sighed, the tears welling in his eyes.

“I want to go home,” Steve said. His mother stood and grabbed her purse. Mr. Baker held out her jacket for her.

“Thank you,” she said. “It was a wonderful evening.”

“Of course, love,” Frigga said. “You must come back sometime, we would love to have you.”

She nodded and ushered Steve out the door. Steve shoved his hands in his pockets.

“I hate this,” he muttered.

“It’s not your fault, dear,” she replied.

“I know,” he said. “But I hate that I’m not getting better at these.”

“You have gotten better, Steve,” she said, gently. “You used to shut yourself in our apartment for fear of having an attack if you left. You used to skip school for weeks because you were afraid of having one there. You used to hate having people see you while you were having a panic attack.”

“I haven’t been getting better lately,” he countered. “I still feel exhausted and I just want to sleep and forget about the world.”

“You’ll get there, Steve,” she said. “But for now, it’s okay to be tired.”

[imatastyporkcutletbowl]

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                                                                                                 Still aglow with happiness after the Grand Prix Finals, Victor and Yuuri have no idea of the tragedy that is about to strike.  Will love be enough this time to bring Victor Nikiforov back to the ice?

My name is Yuuri Katsuki, and a little more than a year ago, I was a dime a dozen Japanese skater with dreams of becoming a Grand Prix gold medalist. I had nearly given up on that goal, when the man who inspired me to become a skater, left skating, himself, to become my coach.

Victor Nikiforov…without you, I would never have come to love ice skating. Without you, I would not be wearing a Grand Prix silver medal around my neck.

Thank you so much, Victor…for showing me your love by helping me to grow, and by teaching me to show you my love through skating. I promise you that next year, I will be the Grand Prix gold medalist, even though I will have to beat you to do it.

“Yuuri,” Victor’s voice called from the bathroom, “the water is hot.”

Yuuri’s wide brown eyes that had been focused out the hotel window at the night sky, blinked, and his head turned to look in the direction of the bathroom.

He’s waiting for me. And I can feel that things are going to change a bit now. Before, when I had no confidence in myself, Victor held back to let me grow stronger. I could feel in the kisses he gave me at the Grand Prix banquet, that he feels I am ready now to show my love for him in ways besides skating.

A little nervous sweat broke out on Yuuri’s forehead, and his face warmed in reaction.

I’m a little bit scared. While I know that Victor will continue to let me grow slowly, I have never been loved physically. It is all new to me. So, I will be shaky and sometimes scared, like I was about skating when I was younger and had such a long way to go. But Victor knows me so well, and what he doesn’t know, he reads carefully and measures. I feel so deeply that it will be all right.

I just need to take those few steps to join him.

“Yuuri?”

The younger man’s breath caught in surprise.

When did he come to join me?

Yuuri’s eyes took in the look of concern on Victor’s handsome face and the other man’s warm scent drifted across his senses.

I want very much to go to him.

“Are you all right?” Victor asked, taking up a position in front of him, “You look like there’s something on your mind. Will you tell me, Yuuri?”

How do I put these feelings into words?

He slipped into Victor’s arms and rested his head gently on his partner’s strong shoulder, nuzzling his cheek.

I love you, Victor.

You felt my longing and you came to me and fulfilled my every dream. Now, I want to come to you and fulfill all of yours. I guess part of me is just afraid that my inexperience in physical love will not let me do that. I want to hold on to you. I want to satisfy you. But some little part of me wonders if I can be enough.

“Say something, Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s head turned slightly and he pressed his lips to the tender flesh of Victor’s soft neck. He closed his eyes.

I love you.

I love you, Victor.

I love you so much that being with you like this leaves me speechless.

He felt Victor’s fingertips under his chin and met his partner’s blue-green eyes hopefully.

You understand, don’t you?

“Yuuri, please say what you are thinking so loudly. I’m being as patient as I can, but…”

“I love you, Victor!”

There, I said it!

Yuuri froze, shivering under Victor’s warm hands. He sought Victor’s eyes tentatively.

“You actually said it to me!” Victor mused in a surprised voice, “My Yuuri said out loud that he loves me!”

Yuuri let out a nervous laugh as Victor’s eyes reflected intense joy and his lips sought Yuuri’s enthusiastically.

So, Yuuri thought, sinking into their deeper, more passionate kisses, this is how it begins. This gripping emotion that we call love…what happens when the feeling is so strong that it becomes physical.

“I love you too,” Victor said between kisses, cupping Yuuri’s flushed cheek, “We will go slowly.

Yuuri’s blush darkened.

He means, because I am inexperienced, he will hold back.

I’m glad.

I very much want to welcome Victor’s physical love. I know that my desire to have him coach me, and the slow training have seduced his heart. We didn’t take that last step to make our love physical, because he didn’t want to distract me while I was training and learning to express my love to him through my skating. He already has my heart, and I will gladly give Victor my body too.

I just…

“Come, Yuuri. Trust me.”

Victor’s arm curled around him, and Yuuri let himself be guided to the bathroom. They passed through the doorway and paused by the oversized tub that was filled with steaming water, and already bubbling. Victor’s hands slipped down to untie the belt of Yuuri’s soft robe, and he peeled it back to reveal the younger man’s lovely, muscular body.

“Beautiful,” Victor said appreciatively.

Victor’s body is far more attractive.

But he made his very slightly shaking hands take hold of the belt of Victor’s dressing robe. He pulled it free and folded the ends of the robe back, baring his partner’s tall, perfect form. Yuuri moved forward with painful slowness, pressing his own naked body to Victor’s and he kissed the taller man gently.

“Are you…?”

“I’m fine,” Yuuri said with more confidence, “just a little anxious now.”

Victor smiled and nodded, slipping a hand into his and guiding Yuuri, step by step into the bubbly water. He sank in, up to his shoulders, sitting down on the bench seat, beneath the water’s surface. Yuuri sat down next to him, then made a sound of deep relief as the water impacted against his sore muscles.

“Ah!” he sighed, closing his eyes and leaning against Victor’s shoulder.

Victor’s arms embraced Yuuri, and his hands slowly found each uncomfortable place and massaged away the pain.

“That’s right,” Victor’s voice rumbled in his ear, “You’re pretty sore after showing me your love on the ice, Yuuri. Don’t worry. We’ll take our time here, as well. You didn’t nail your program in a day, and physical love between us will grow slowly.”

“Victor!” Yuuri exclaimed, his eyes widening as they looked up into his handsome partner’s, “Victor, you don’t have to hold back. I’ll be…”

Victor’s damp fingers touched Yuuri’s parted lips, stopping him. Yuuri gave him a puzzled look.

“You don’t have to say anything, you know,” Victor chided him gently, “Just like when you skate to seduce me, your body will tell me when you are ready to receive this kind of love. Besides, just some touching can bring us relief, eh?”

The blush on Yuuri’s face and throat crept downward until he was flushed all over. He relaxed against Victor’s shoulder, watching as his partner’s hand slid down to explore him more intimately.

“Ah, Victor!” Yuuri exclaimed, burying his face in the elder man’s shoulder and breast.

“You can touch me too,” Victor purred in his ear.

I’ve never done this.

It’s like taking the ice for the very first time. I can barely keep my feet and I know I’m shivering and my hands are shaking. But, moving step by step, we’ll get past the awkwardness.

He felt Victor’s hand guiding his, then the little shudder that went through the elder man’s body at just the slightest touch.

Just this? Yuuri pondered, Just this little bit of touching brings you such pleasure, Victor? But, how long have you been patient and waited for me already.

Yuuri found his breaths shortening as Victor’s touches excited happy twinges through his abdomen and loins. He noted the motion of Victor’s caressing hand and matched it in the touches he gave his partner.

I should feel bad, making you wait for me, but…all I can feel right now…

Yuuri quivered at the rising tension inside him.

All I can feel is how your touch gives me a feeling too big and too beautiful to be held inside. It grows until I can’t hold it back.

Victor!

He couldn’t have stopped it if he had wanted to, but gave in easily to the heavy, gripping shudders of his first release. He would have felt embarrassed at the deep gasp he gave in surrender, but the sound Victor made, and the elder man’s delighted tremors distracted him from anything but watching closely how much pleasure Yuuri’s touches had given him. They sank down deeper into the water, kissing slowly as their heartbeats gradually slowed and the initial euphoria gave way to a sated, contented feeling.

“It feels good?” Victor sighed.

Yuuri’s blush returned instantly and he burrowed into Victor’s shoulder again.

“Mmhmm,” he mumbled, hiding his face as Victor’s fingers played in his tousled hair.

“For me too,” Victor confessed happily, smirking as he added, “Better than a pork cutlet bowl.”

Yuuri couldn’t hold back the little laugh that escaped him. The two relaxed in the bubbling water, letting the excitement of the long day seep out of them. They emerged from the water and dried off slowly, then tumbled into the bed, still bare, and their skin soft and warm from their bathing. Yuuri curled easily into Victor’s embrace and the two drifted off and slept peacefully until morning.

When I open up, he meets me where I am.

That is what I need.

That is love.

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri woke, hours later, to find that the sun was already up and he was alone in the bed he and Victor had shared. He shifted and spread out, stretching his still aching muscles.

His side of the bed is still warm. Victor slept later than usual.

He turned his head slightly and spotted a note on the nightstand. His hand found his glasses, and he placed them on his face, then picked up the note and read.

Go ahead and sleep as long as you like. We can get a pork cutlet bowl when I get back. Love, Victor

Yuuri let out another long, languid sigh, turning onto his back and placing his hands behind his head as he daydreamed.

All along, I worried that when our love became physical, I would be awkward. I may have been a little awkward, but Victor is so patient. It’s like he knows exactly what I need, and he gives me only what I can handle.

He lifted his hand to admire the gold ring on his finger.

It’s so funny. I didn’t at all mean for these rings to be a proposal. But, so easily, Victor accepted my gift and he read what my heart couldn’t yet tell him. Even though I was immature and needed time to come to it, I do want to marry Victor. I want to receive both emotional and physical love. I am getting there.

Yuuri breathed slowly, gazing up at the ceiling, but seeing again the rapturous repeat of the Grand Prix Finals and the noisy banquet after.

I was able to mingle with the other skaters this time. I feel closer to them now. We are all like a sort of extended family, this group of us who came so far and competed so fiercely to seek the podium. I felt no sting at all in taking silver. Yurio’s performance was breathtaking. I’ll have to work hard to beat him next season.

Yuuri said up and looked around, frowning at the restless feeling inside him.

I should get dressed. I’m hungry now. Victor will be back soon.

He slipped out from under the covers and walked, naked, across the room to his suitcase, where he picked out his comfortable sweatsuit and slowly dressed. Victor had still not arrived when he was done, so he checked his phone, but found no text.

“Hmm.”

I’ll take a little walk to stretch my legs. It’s good to move slowly after a big competition. I’ve worked my body really hard for months, training.

He took the stairs instead of the elevator, letting the kinks work out of his muscles and taking slow breaths. By the time he reached the ground floor, he felt energized, and he broke into a slow jog, heading out of the hotel and down the street.

I’d never been to Spain. It was fun, seeing the sights with Victor. I usually miss Japan, but it’s been so much fun being here. I’m supposed to move to Saint Petersburg after we go back for a visit with my family and a celebration. I wonder how everyone will react to the news that I am leaving. They love Victor…and they love me. It’ll be hard leaving them, I guess.

But, my home is really with Victor now.

Yuuri spotted a  small park, and headed in, using the jogging trail. He moved into a gentle run, admiring the pretty flowers and blue sky as he ran.

I feel pretty good for having just been through a competition. Maybe the euphoria still hasn’t really worn off.

He ran through the park and along the side of a creek that ran along the edge, continuing until he began to feel tired, and his stomach rumbled warningly. Turning back, he ran out of the park and dropped back into a walk, smiling as he passed people on the street and enjoying the pounding of his heart and the touch of chill in the air.

“Hey, Yuuri!” a friendly male voice called, distracting him out of his reverie.

“Phichit-kun!” Yuuri answered, jogging to meet his friend.

“Are you out here jogging so soon after the competition? I’m too tired and sore to do that yet,” Phichit said cheerfully.

“I’m waiting for Victor to come back,” Yuuri explained, “I was bored and just meant to go for a walk.”

“You’re still excited from winning a medal, aren’t you?”

Yuuri nodded.

“It was really exciting for both Victor and me,” he agreed.

“I heard Victor say he’s coming back for the next season.”

“He is,” Yuuri affirmed, “but he said that he would also still be coaching me.”

“Wow! That’s going to be a lot of work for him.”

“I know,” Yuuri said, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck, “I’m worried it might be too much. Victor is a talented skater, but he hasn’t worked on his own program all year, and since he gave his planned program to Yurio and me, he has to come up with something completely new.”

“That’s going to be a challenge,” Phichit said appreciatively.

Yuuri felt a little sinking feeling inside for a moment, but Phichit slapped him on the shoulder and smiled encouragingly.

“Victor is a genius,” he said confidently, “I’m sure it will be fine.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri said, flushing slightly, “I’m sure it will beb fine.”

“Well, I have to go and get my things ready to go,” Phichit said, taking Yuuri’s hand and shaking it firmly, “I hope I will see you and Victor again soon. Good luck in your training.”

“Good luck in your training too, Phichit-kun!” Yuuri said enthusiastically.

Yuuri watched as his friend disappeared into the distance, then he turned back towards his own hotel, walking slowly with his hands in his pockets.

I do wonder how things will go this season. Last season was Victor’s first, coaching. Getting me up to speed was not just mentally challenging for him, He also had to come onto the ice to show me how to do the moves. It won’t just be his own short and long program  he has to design. He’ll also be helping me with mine. But, I have learned a lot from him. I’m sure that I can help more this time around.

We’ll manage.

“Yuuri!” Victor’s voice called out to him from across the street.

Yuuri ran to the corner, pausing to wait for the light to change and the walk signal to switch on. He started across, smiling as he closed the distance to where Victor waited on the curb. He had almost reached the other side, when suddenly the smile left Victor’s face, and it was inexplicably overwritten with fear.

What…?

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a fast moving car heading toward him, going so quickly that he couldn’t get out of the way. To his horror, Victor launched himself into the path of the car, his frightened eyes locking on Yuuri’s.

Victor!

The car slammed on its brakes, the tires screeching and smoking as Victor’s body crashed into Yuuri’s, throwing both men violently to the ground. Yuuri curled his body instinctively, protecting his head as he struck the asphalt and felt stars explode behind his eyes. The last thing he heard was a heavy impact and Victor’s gasp of pain.

Victor!

Are you…?

[samirgianni]

Seasonal Ontario Food's Top Ten - Meat, Poultry & Fish Main Dishes

More main dishes, the meaty ones this time. In spite of how much I like vegetables I have to confess I could never be a vegetarian. I'm a little surprised to review things and see how much pork we eat, and I'm definitely shy on the fish recipes. I think that's because I am perfectly happy to eat it pretty plain. Judging by this list I also have a taste for the classic dishes, and braising is a favourite cooking technique. Sounds about right, I have to say. And apparently meat dishes get put on my oval Chinese platters. Huh, okay. Beef: Beef, Mushroom & Rice Stuffed Buttercup Squash - This is my most viewed beef recipe and as usual I don't quite get why. On the other hand, it's a fun and impressive thing - yet not too difficult - to do with a squash. Braised Beef with Onion Sauce - The onion sauce takes this one from being a nice if perfectly ordinary pot roast to something special, with little in the way of effort. Gehacktes Rinderschnitzel - This is a great recipe for more than the name although of course there is the name. It makes a pound of ground beef feed 4 generously, and is no harder to make than regular hamburgers while presenting as more elegant and sophisticated. Can't beat that! Sauerkraut & Onion Smothered Pot Roast - Another pot roast with onions; I do like 'em. This one has sauerkraut and I'm pretty fond of that too... and easy, did I say? So easy. Swedish Meatballs - This one is more work, and rather rich, but definitely worth while for a special occasion. Braised Beef Brisket -The sauce was delicious and the meat meltingly tender; ten out of ten would definitely braise again.

Stir Fried Beef & Kohlrabi - The kohlrabi supplies 2 different textures and goes beautifully with the beef. Delicious! Swiss Chard Rolls - We freeze these by the dozen every late summer and live on them all winter, served in tomato sauce. The only things we have to buy for them is the beef, oil, salt, and pepper, which makes them an ideal recipe for us, trying to live off of our garden as much as possible. Fortunately, they are also very tasty. Mom's Meatloaf - Well it's Mom's meatloaf, so of course it's good. Hot with mashed potatoes or cold in a sandwich it can't be beat. Blanquette de veau - Rich and elegant; a dish for a special occasion. Not difficult though. Lamb & Pork: Turkish Kofta (Lamb Meatballs) - If it wasn't for the liver casserole (which see) this would be my most viewed lamb recipe. Now, this one I get! These are really good, really quick, really easy... just fine! Roast Leg of Lamb in a Spicy Sauce - Whenever we buy lamb 3 out of 4 legs tend to go to making this. I feel obliged to make something else with the fourth one for the blog, but this is always a winner and people fall into it face-first. Lamb Meatballs Stewed with Chick Peas - Look at that: lamb! Meatballs! Chick peas! Of course it's a Top Ten winner; how could it not be? Liver & Tomato Casserole Possibly with Mushrooms & Bacon - Since I think this is best made with lambs liver it goes in with the lamb recipes. No matter which meat category I put it in though, it would come out as the most viewed recipe in that category. Yes, this one has had a lot of views and while I will be the first to declare that this is a very fine way to serve liver I admit to being perplexed. Could it be my humorous introduction? I doubt it. Scotch Broth - Yes, it's soup. But at the price of lamb, it's also lamb. And since it's a rib-sticking meal in itself, here it is. Pretty simple really, but so delicious. I keep saying that about things, but in my books that's what makes things the best. Stamppot Boerenkool - Kale & Sausage Mash - One of the few ways in which kale will be greeted with enthusiasm around here. But yes, this does guarantee enthusiasm. Baked Bone-In Ham with Maple Mustard Glaze - This is my most viewed pork recipe, in spite of or more likely because of being very straightforward. The hard part is finding a decent bone-in ham; basically you need not just a butcher but a good butcher. But once you have that settled the rest is a doddle. Apple Butter Spareribs - I can't say I always love barbecue sauces, so this is how I usually do my spareribs. A little different from the usual, but I love the sweet-sour and zingy ginger flavours. 5-Spice Pork Chops - a simple treatment for pork chops that takes them out of the ordinary. Victorian Cottager's Pie with Bacon, Mushrooms & Onions - This variation on the theme of Shepherd's pie is so simple and straightforward, and so delicious, I don't know why it isn't a ubiquitous dish the way the beef version is. It should be!

Pork Loin Stuffed with Spinach & Mushrooms - Unlike Dill Pickle-Brined Pork Tenderloin this is actually a recipe, and requires a little effort. Not too much though, and the results are excellent. Poultry: Braised Turkey - Braising turkey really produces better results than roasting, as the legs stay juicy and flavourful and the breast meat doesn't cook too long and dry out. Plus there will be lots more gravy. You lose the crispy skin, and it can't be stuffed, but such is life. I've been braising pretty much all my turkeys since I discovered this. Turkey Meatballs in Tomato Sauce - I find toasted barley flour a really good thickener for soups, and here it helps keep ground turkey - which can easily get too dry - moist and flavourful. I didn't mention the carrots, but this dish is just swimming in carrots, and altogether, it's a simple and delightful take on the inevitable meatball.

Duck Schnitzel with Green Peppercorn Sauce - Sometimes you can get skinless, boneless duck breasts, which is a slightly odd thing. This is what you do with them; the end. Not so odd after all! Braised Duck Legs with Rutabaga, Leek & Celeriac - Well here we go again; something something braised with vegetables. That's because it's still delicious. And it's duck! Roasting Organic Chicken - My most viewed poultry recipe, presumably because lots of people want to roast an organic chicken and realize they are really not the same as those limp, flabby supermarket chickens. Not at all. Chicken Pot Pie with Biscuity Crust - It's the Biscuity Crust that made this so special, and I've used it a lot for other things since then as well. Something about it is just classic comfort food, much like Chicken with Herb Dumplings - which are also classic comfort food. Poached biscuits with herbs! Tender stewed chicken and vegetables! Oh man, so good. Quick Braised Chicken with Leeks & Garlic -But sometimes you can't sit around and wait all day for things to cook. Here's a quick and easy one, full of flavour and with many of the comfort food qualities of those longer-cooking braises. Chicken with Rhubarb - Different! Make this one now; it's in season. No reason to relegate rhubarb to nothing else but pie. Braised Guinea Fowl with Carrots & Prunes - More braising, with a classic sweet-sour flavour profile. Lovely! Fish: Fish & Pasta with Greens in Saffron-Paprika Broth - Let's call this a stew; it could have been treated as soup, or pasta. Whatever it is it's a simple easy meal to make on those days when you want to put as little effort into cooking as possible but still eat something delicious and satisfying. Fish in Leek & Carrot Sauce - The sauce is simple, not particularly rich, and yet really appealing. It supports a fine white fish perfectly without overwhelming it.  Stir-Fried Fish with Snow Peas, Mushrooms & Garlic Scapes - This one will be in season any moment and it is a delightful treat for early summer. Perch, or Other Fish, Tacos - By far my most viewed fish recipe. As usual I don't think it's by far my best fish recipe. Although I have to admit I will never turn down a good fish taco. Smoked Trout Kedgeree - Traditionally a breakfast dish but delicious and easy at any meal, and pretty much a meal in itself.

Dilled Trout Cabbage Rolls with Lemon Sauce - A surprising unusual but delicate and sophisticated cabbage roll. Savoy cabbage, of course, in keeping with the delicate and sophisticated theme. Fish & Eggplant Casserole - Based on a traditional Chinese dish, but simplified and a bit less swimming in oil. Still full of flavour! Salmon or Trout Tourtière - A lighter and really delicious version of the Quebec classic, this deserves to be much better known than it is. Salmon or Trout & Spinach Pie - Another lively and delightful fish pie. Savory pies are the bomb, but fish keeps them from being too heavy. The spinach makes this one pretty much a meal in itself. This would be a fine picnic dish. Tartar Sauce - not a fish dish as such, but a common accompaniment to that plain sautéed, poached, or steamed fish I eat so often. As different from that gummy paste sold commercially as cheese is from chalk. Don't think you like Tartar Sauce? Give this one a try - you might be surprised. from Seasonal Ontario Food http://seasonalontariofood.blogspot.com/2017/06/seasonal-ontario-foods-top-ten-meat.html