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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Rick and Morty: A Guide to Every Voice Actor

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The world of Rick and Morty has grown to absurd proportions. The show spans multiple planets, galaxies, timelines, and multiverses, meaning there’s always an opportunity to meet strange new people and creatures.

As such, Rick and Morty’s voice cast has grown along with the adventures of its titular pair. While co-creator Justin Roiland, Chris Parnell, Spencer Grammer, and Sarah Chalke have reliably voiced the central Smith-Sanchez family this entire time, the show also relies on a large crop of other voice actors. Some actors recur while others pop up only a time or two as very special guests. But all contribute to the rich aural tapestry of Adult Swim’s very ambitious animated series.

Gathered here is a list of (to the best of our knowledge) every voice actor who has popped up on Rick and Morty, who they played, and where you may have heard (or seen) them before.

Justin Roiland

Rick, Morty, Mr. Meseeks, Mr. Poopybutthole, Mr. Always Wants to Be Hunted

Justin Roiland is not just the co-creator of Rick and Morty but also the vocal engine for how much of the show sounds. Roiland portrays Rick, Morty, Mr. Meseeks, Mr. Poopybutthole, and countless other distinctively voiced characters in the show’s weird world. From the pilot on, Roiland’s tic-filled voice patterns have driven a lot of the humor behind the show.

Roiland has been an animator and a voice actor for quite a long time, getting involved with his eventual Rick and Morty co-creator Dan Harmon and his Channel 101 imprint back in 2004. There he made Internet-only cult animated series like House of Cosbys, and 2 Girls One Cup: the Show. His voice was previously well known as Earl of Lemongrab (“Unacceptable!!!”) in Adventure Time.

Chris Parnell

Jerry Smith

Former SNL cast member Chris Parnell has had a prolific career in comedy both as a live-action and voice actor. Parnell is best known for playing Garth Holliday in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Dr. Leo Spaceman in 30 Rock, and many more roles in film and television. In the animation world he’s voiced characters on Archer, Robot Chicken, Gravity Falls, and beyond. His voice is often perfect for the “everyman” role and as such he has only been required to embody the sad form of Jerry Smith on Rick and Morty thus far.

Spencer Grammer

Summer Smith

The daughter of Kelsey Grammar, Spencer Grammar got her start as Casey Carywright on the ABC Family college dramedy Greek. Since then, she has done chiefly live-action work on shows such as CSI, Chicago PD, and Grey’s Anatomy.

Sarah Chalke

Beth Smith

Canadian actress Sarah Chalke brings two enormous roles from TV comedy’s past to her work on Rick and Morty. At first she was best known as the “second Becky” on ABC sitcom Roseanne. She would then go on to portray Dr. Elliot Reid for nine seasons of the classic Scrubs. Chalke is still chiefly a live-action comedic actress today but has done some more voice work in the past, including on Clone High and American Dad.

Kari Wahlgren

Jessica, Cynthia, Samantha, Mother Gaia

Kari Wahlgren works extensively as a voice actress for animated movies, TV shows, and video games. As evidenced by her character list above, she is often Rick and Morty’s go-to voice to portray one of Summer’s teenage peers.

Brandon Johnson

Mr. Goldenfold

Brandon Johnson is a familiar face and voice to Adult Swim audiences. He has previously popped up on NTSF:SD:SUV and American Dad. On Rick and Morty he voices Mr. Goldenfold, who is seemingly the only teacher at Morty and Summer’s school.

Phil Hendrie

Principal Gene Vagina

Philip Hendrie is best known for hosting The Phil Hendrie Show, a proto-Comedy Bang Bang-esque talk radio show in the 1990s where he portrayed both a fictionalized version of himself and many other wacky characters. He broke into animated voice acting in the late ‘90s, voicing dozens of characters on King of the Hill and popping up in Futurama as well. On Rick and Morty he plays the unfortunately named principal of Morty’s school.

Ryan Ridley

Frank Palicky, Lighthouse Keeper, Concerto

Ryan Ridley is a writer and producer on Rick and Morty, and like many of the show’s writers is sometimes called upon to lend his voice to a character or two. His best known creation is the Lighthouse Keeper on the Purge planet obsessed with his terrible screenplay. Ridley has also written for Ghosted, Blue Mountain State, and Community.

Rob Paulsen

Snuffles, Centaur

Rob Paulsen is a legendary voice actor best known for voicing two Ninja Turtles (Raphael and Donatello) and several Animaniacs characters. His filmography is truly impressive and includes the important role of Snuffles the Smith family dog on Rick and Morty.

Jess Harnell

Scary Terry, Ruben

Harnell is another Animaniacs veteran. After voicing Scary Terry and some additional voices in season 1, Harnell has yet to return to Rick and Morty.

Patricia Lentz

Joyce Smith

Patricia Lentz provides the voice of Jerry’s mom. She’s had a long, impressive career of live-action and voice acting with some highlights including Runaways, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Happy Days.

Dana Carvey

Leonard Smith

The voice of Jerry’s dad is provided by one of SNL’s better known alums in Dana Carvey. A master impressionist, Carvey was an important figure on SNL during the ‘80s and would go on to star in Wayne’s World, The Master of Disguise, and Trapped in Paradise. Shortly after his SNL career, he hosted The Dana Carvey Show, which did not last long but is notable in TV history for having an incredible cast of writers including Louis C.K. Charlie Kaufman, Jon Glaser, Robert Carlock, and frequent Dan Harmon collaborator Dino Stamatopoulos.

Echo Kellum

Jacob Philip, Brad, Triple Trunks

“I throw balls far. You want good words? Date a languager.” So sad that we had to leave Brad behind in C-137. Echo Kellum provides the voice of Brad and several other Rick and Morty characters.. Kellum is a UCB grad who has appeared in Key & Peele, Comedy Bang! Bang! and most notably Arrow as Mister Terrific.

John Oliver

Dr. Xenon Bloom

John Oliver now carries on the legacy of The Daily Show in his superb HBO news series Last Week Tonight. Prior to finding his perfect comedy news niche, Oliver had a lengthy comic acting career starting in his native England and extending into his new home in the U.S. Oliver previously played an important recurring role in Harmon’s Community and pops up just once on Rick and Morty.

David Cross

Prince Nebulon

David Cross is one of several sketch comedy legends who lent their voice to Rick and Morty as part of their lengthy careers. Cross created and starred in sketch series Mr. Show with Bob and David alongside co-creator Bob Odenkirk (how has he not popped up on Rick and Morty yet?). Since then he’s had a successful stand up career and been a part of some impressive TV ensembles such as Arrested Development.

Dan Harmon

Birdperson, Kevin, Mr. Marklovitz, Davin, Ice-T, Dr. Glip-Glop, Nimbus

Dan Harmon is the co-creator of Rick and Morty alongside Roiland. The two share a long history going back to the Channel 101 days. While both Roiland and Harmon are skilled storytellers, Harmon has truly delved into the science of story throughout his career. Harmon is best known for creating and showrunning Community, which became an onscreen sensation for fans and an offscreen nuisance for NBC due to Harmon’s at times difficult behavior. On Rick and Morty, Roiland and Harmon deploy Harmon’s deadpan delivery to good use, with him often playing monotone characters like the beloved Birdperson.

Tom Kenny

King Jellybean, Squanchy, Conroy, Million Ants, Etc.

Tom Kenny is an incredibly successful voice artist who you likely best know as none other than SpongeBob SquarePants. On Rick and Morty, Kenny’s roles are decidedly less wholesome than the sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea. Kenny was a big factor in season 1 playing King Jellybean and Sqaunchy. He’s popped up sparingly in seasons 2, 3, and 4 as well, most notably as Million Ants of the Vindicators.

Cassie Steele

Tammy Gueterman, Tricia Lange

Somebody’s gotta play Tammy Gueterman, that traitorous monster. And that “honor” goes to Cassie Steele. Steele’s name is recognizable to Canadian (and some American) audiences due to her role as Manny Santos on Degrassi: The Next Generation. Rick and Morty was her first voice acting role. She will continue her voice acting career as the lead in Disney’s upcoming Raya and the Last Dragon.

Claudia Black

Mar-Sha/Ventriloquiver

Claudia Black has turned up on Rick and Morty twice, once in season 1 and once in season 4. It’s a surprise she hasn’t done so more often as she’s built up quite the voice acting career. After becoming well known in sci-fi series like Farscape and Stargate SG-1, Black continued on into a successful gaming career, providing her voice to Uncharted, Gears of War, and Dragon Age.

Maurice LaMarche

Morty Jr. Brad Anderson, Abradolf Lincler, Crocubot

Maurice LaMarche’s smooth baritone is quite familiar to many animation fans. LaMarche has voice acted in everything from Animaniacs to Futurama. He’s got a killer Orson Welles impression and that seems to be the starting point for many of his Rick and Morty characters.

Alfred Molina

Mr. Needful

Many of us know Alfred Molina from his incredibly successful film career in projects like Boogie Nights, Spider-Man 2, and The Da Vinci Code. But Molina has also had quite the career as a voice actor as well. In the past couple decades, Molina has lent his sturdy voice to Rango, Monsters University, Ralph Breaks the Internet, Frozen II, and more. He was clearly a shrewd choice for the Lucifer-like Mr. Needful. It’s a wonder why he hasn’t turned up on Rick and Morty more.

Richard Fulcher

King Flippy Nips

Richard Fulcher is best known as the unofficial third member of British comedy troupe The Mighty Boosh, though he himself is American. Fulcher wrote and acted in every incarnation of The Mighty Boosh. He has also had a prolific career in comedy acting outside the troupe. As of late, Fulcher has leaned into his voice acting abilities including this sadly one-off role on Rick and Morty as King Flippy Nips, ruler of Pluto.

Nolan North

Scroopy Noopers, Multiple Others

Nolan North has done extensive videogame work in franchises such as Uncharted, Assassin’s Creed, and the Arkham series. That’s right: the voice of shrimpy Plutonian Scroopy Noopers on Rick and Morty is both Nathan Drake and Desmond Miles. North also voices many other characters in positions of authority for the show.

Aislinn Paul

Nancy

Aislinn Paul is another Degrassi: The Next Generation alum who has broken into the voice acting world. On Rick and Morty, Paul plays only Nancy, Summer’s nerdy classmate who everyone is always mean to. Hopefully one day there will be justice for Nancy.

Alejandra Gollas

Lucy

Alejandra Gollas is a bilingual Mexican actress who has acted in films, TV shows, and stage productions for decades. Her only Rick and Morty role was that of creepy Titanic enthusiast Lucy.

Scott Chernoff

Revolio Clockberg Jr.

Originally referred to as “Gearhead,” Revolio Clockberg Jr. is one of Rick and Morty’s most recognizable recurring characters. Embodying this important role is veteran voice actor and TV writer Scott Chernoff. Chernoff has lent his voice to dozens of animated properties and has even written for many successful comedies including BoJack Horseman, The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, and School of Rock. He is one of many Channel 101 veterans involved in Rick and Morty and pitches in with some other background voices on the show here and there.

Keegan-Michael Key

Schleemypants

Keegan-Michael Key is likely best known as half of the ultra successful sketch comedy duo Key & Peele. (Wonder whatever happened to the other guy!) Key has had an enormously successful career as a comedic actor on television. On Rick and Morty he plays testicle-looking time cop Schleemypants.

Jordan Peele

Second Fourth-Dimensional Being

Oh, here’s Peele! Schleemypants’ unnamed partner is the only character Peele has played on Rick and Morty.

Jemaine Clement

Fart

New Zealand comedic actor Jemaine Clement is best known for being half of the Grammy award-winning comedic musical act Flight of the Conchords alongside Bret McKenzie. Clement has also worked extensively with fellow Kiwi Taika Waititi to produce recent classics like What We Do in the Shadows. His deadpan delivery was a perfect choice monotone gaseous being “Fart.”

Andy Daly

Krombopulos Michael

Krombopulos Michael is Rick and Morty’s Boba Fett: he looks cool but ultimately does nothing. Playing K.M. was one of the most sought-of “character voice actors” in the industry. Daly’s cheerful everyman delivery has proven useful on dozens of comedy shows across the entertainment landscape. Perhaps best known for his starring vehicle Review with Forest MacNeil, Daly has also lent his voice to series such as Harley Quinn, Bob’s Burgers, and Big Mouth. He can also be heard as a crucial role on Roiland’s Solar Opposites.

Christina Hendricks

Unity

Christina Hendricks is best known for her role as Joan Holloway on Mad Men. In addition to that, however, she’s appeared in quite a few genre films and shows like Firefly, Life, and The Neon Demon. Hendricks has done some voice work here and there and her only role on Rick and Morty to date is assimilation expert and one-time Rick Sanchez paramour Unity.

Patton Oswalt

Beta-Seven

Patton Oswalt is basically the dark matter of the comedy universe. He and his voice turn up just about everywhere. Perhaps his best known voice acting role is that of lead character Remy in Ratatouille. On Rick and Morty he has played only Beta-Seven thus far and is surely due for some more appearances.

Keith David

The President

Even if you’ve never heard of Keith David, you have surely heard his voice. An unmistakable baritone with gravitas, David has leant that voice to projects such as Gargoyles, Halo, and Spawn. David has worked with Harmon before on the final season of Community. Surely, there is no better voice for Rick and Morty’s unnamed President…or its Reverse Giraffe.

Kurtwood Smith

General Nathan

Not sure if you recognize Kurtwood Smith’s voice? You would if he called you a dumbass. Yes, Smith is best known to TV audiences as Eric Forman’s ornery dad Red on That ‘70s Show. He provides that same ornery spirit to the role of General Nathan on Rick and Morty in “Get Schwifty.”

Stephen Colbert

Zeep Xanflorp

Stephen Colbert is of course a longtime comedic actor, host of The Colbert Report, and now host of The Late Show on CBS. The Late Show understandably takes up most of his time nowadays but he was nice enough to portray the intelligent alien living inside Rick’s flying saucer’s Miniverse battery.

Nathan Fielder

Kyle

“The Ricks Must Be Crazy” has quite the star power among its voice cast. In addition to Colbert’s Zeep, the episode also introduces another Microverse populated by Kyle. Kyle is played by Nathan For You’s cringe comedy maestro Nathan Fielder.

Jim Rash

Glaxo Slimslom

Jim Rash is another frequent Dan Harmon collaborator, best known for his role as Dean Pelton on Community. Rash is an accomplished comedic actor and an Oscar award-winning screenwriter. He’s the perfect choice to play alien couples counselor Glaxo.

Matt Besser

Fungo

Matt Besser is an improv comedy specialist who is a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade comedy troupe. Over his long career, he’s appeared in just about everything. On Rick and Morty he portrays alien diplomat Fungo, who tries to convince Jerry to donate his penis to Shrimply Pibbles.

Werner Herzog

Shrimply Pibbles

Werner Herzog might be the strangest inclusion in the Rick and Morty voice canon. Herzog is a towering figure in the cinema world as a director, screenwriter, documentarian, and occasional actor. His German accent and generally serious and pessimistic disposition has made him a natural target for comedies looking to inject a bit of weird humor into the proceedings.

Chelsea Kane

Arthricia

Chelsea Kane has appeared in several TV series targeted to tween audiences like Disney Channel’s Jonas and Freeform’s Baby Daddy. Her brief role as the Purge planet’s Arthricia was a jumping off point to try more voice actor roles on shows like Hot Streets, Regular Show, and DC Super Hero Girls.

James Callis and Tricia Helfer

Pat and Donna Gueterman

James Callis and Tricia Helfer portray the parents of double-agent Tammy Gueterman for a very specific reason. Callis and Helfer are best known for their roles on Syfy’s classic series Battlestar Galactica, with Callis playing brilliant scientist (and traitor to humanity) Gaius Baltar and Helfer playing Cylon model Number 6. Pat and Donna Gueterman on Rick and Morty look just like the actors playing them, which should have been our first clue that something is amiss.

Nathan Fillion

Cornvelious Daniel

Who is Nathan Fillion if not nerd culture’s best friend? Fillion came into prominence by playing Captain Mal Reynolds on Joss Whedon’s beloved Firefly. Since then Fillion has had a solid career on shows like Castle and The Rookie. In his spare time, however, he provides his voice to animated series like Rick and Morty and Big Mouth, often playing a thinly-veiled version of himself. Cornvelious Daniel is notable for being the first character onscreen in Rick and Morty to enjoy that sweet, sweet McDonald’s Szechuan sauce.

Tony Hale

Eli

Tony Hale won two Emmys for playing the Vice President’s bagman Gary Walsh on Veep. Before that he was the youngest Bluth child, Buster, on Arrested Development. As of late, however, he’s getting more into the voice acting scene. You (or your kids) may best know him as the beloved Forky in Toy Story 4. But prior to that, he popped up as a cheery Mad Max-style biker named Eli on Rick and Morty.

Joel McHale

Hemorrhage

Joel McHale is, of course, another Community alum. He played lead character Jeff Winger on Harmon’s old NBC series. In addition to that, McHale has had a lengthy career in comedy, having hosted The Soup and Netflix’s recent Tiger King special. He was also a tight end of the University of Washington football team but that’s neither here nor there. He voices bucket-wearing post-apocalyptic warlord Hemorrhage on Rick and Morty.

Susan Sarandon

Dr. Wong

Perhaps no character on Rick and Morty has delved deeper into Rick’s psyche than Smith-family psychologist Dr. Wong. Lending her voice to Dr. Wong in the infamous “Pickle Rick” episode is legendary actress Susan Sarandon a.k.a the Louise in Thelma and Louise.

Peter Serafinowicz

Agency Director

Peter Serafinowicz is a British comedian and actor who used his role voicing Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace as a launching pad to befriend some truly talented creators and get some truly fascinating roles. Serafinowicz has popped up in Shaun of the Dead, Guardians of the Galaxy, Parks and Recreation, and more. He also portrayed the titular Tick in Amazon’s The Tick. His role in Rick and Morty is briefly that of a Russian villain agency director who tries to take down the ever-elusive Pickle Rick.

Danny Trejo

Jaguar

“Pickle Rick” really has quite the impressive guest voice cast. Danny Trejo joins Peter Serafinowicz and Susan Sarandon in lending his voice to this episode. Trejo plays Rick’s loose canon action hero ally, Jaguar. Outside of Rick and Morty, Danny Trejo may be one of the most recognizable faces in entertainment. A frequent collaborator of Robert Rodriguez, Trejo has leveraged his fascinating upbringing and tough guy appearance into countless roles.

Gillian Jacobs

Supernova

Another Community alum! Superhero team The Vindicators requires a lot of guest voice talent and clearly Dan Harmon knew one place to turn. Jacobs played Britta on Community (she’s the worst). The Pittsburgh-born actress has also appeared in Girls, Don’t Think Twice, and Ibiza.

Christian Slater

Vance Maximus

Christian Slater is a big get for Vindicators leader Vance Maximus. While he’s best known to modern audiences as the titular Mr. Robot in Mr. Robot, Slater got his start as an actor with popular roles in movies like Heathers, Interview with the Vampire, and Broken Arrow. Slater has had a fruitful voice acting career as well, having previously played “Slater” in Archer.

Lance Reddick

Alan Rails

Alan Rails is another one of the hallowed Vindicators crime-fighting team. Playing the ghost train-summoner is Lance Reddick. Reddick has been a mainstay on television for decades, turning up in Oz, Fringe, Lost, and more. Most notably he played Cedric Daniels for the entirety of The Wire’s run.

Logic

Logic is one of the few Rick and Morty guest stars who gets to be an animated version of himself. This Maryland-based rapper has released five successful albums and enlisted Rick and Morty to help promote his sixth mixtape Bobby Tarantino II.

Clancy Brown

Risotto Groupon, Story Train passenger

Talk about a guy with a commanding voice. Clancy Brown has been a successful actor for a long time, going back to his roles in Highlander, The Shawshank Redemption, and Lost. He’s undoubtedly best known to animation fans, however, as the voice of stingy Krusty Krab owner Mr. Krabs in SpongeBob SquarePants. On Rick and Morty, he’s played alien restaurant manager Risotto Groupon and a Story Train passenger in season 4’s “Never Ricking Morty.”

Thomas Middleditch

Tommy Lipnip

Thomas Middleditch is likely best known to television audiences as overmatched tech tycoon Richard Hendrix on HBO’s Silicon Valley. That’s just the tip of the iceberg for Middleditch’s comedy career. The prolific improviser played Tommy Lipnip in Rick and Morty and must have impressed Justin Roiland enough to give him a lead role on his Hulu comedy Solar Opposites.

John DiMaggio

Multiple Minor Roles (Death Stalker, Leader, Knight, etc.)

John DiMaggio is an incredibly busy voice actor. If you’ve ever enjoyed an animated comedy, there’s a good chance DiMaggio contributed his voice to it. His best known roles include Bender on Futurama, Jake the Dog on Adventure Time, and Scotsman on Samurai Jack.

Sherri Shepherd

Judge

Sherri Shepherd is an actress, comedian, and TV personality best known for being a co-host on The View for seven years. Since then she’s turned up as an actress or talking head on many shows and lent her voice to portray a judge that deals with Morty in the season 4 premiere.

Sam Neill

Monogatron Leader

In addition to having one of the best Twitter accounts in the world, Sam Neill is also an actor best known for playing Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park III. The New Zealander has continued to work quite a bit in recent years, turning up in Thor: Ragnarok and Peaky Blinders. On Rick and Morty he plays the leader of the Monogatron alien race in “The Old Man and the Seat.”

Taika Waititi

Glootie

Playing another Monogatron, this one named Glootie, is New Zealand actor/director Taika Waititi. Waititi got his start in the New Zealand comedy scene alongside other Rick and Morty guest star Jermaine Clement. Since then he has only gone on to become one of the most in-demand filmmakers on the planet. Waititi is behind Thor: Ragnarok, JoJo Rabbit, and an upcoming Star Wars film.

Kathleen Turner

Monogatron Queen

Kathleen Turner is what you would call a “get” for Rick and Morty. Turner has won two Golden Globe awards and been nominated for an Oscar and several Tony awards. She is best known for her roles in ‘80s movies Romancing the Stone, Prizzi’s Honor, and The War of the Roses. Turner has also been working as a voice actress since the ‘80s, voicing Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit and going on to act in The Simpsons and King of the Hill as well.

Jeffrey Wright

Tony

Jeffrey Wright is no stranger to sci-fi, having toiled away as sad robot Bernard on Westworld for three seasons. Wright got three-quarters of a way to an EGOT in one role by playing Belize in Angels in America. Since then he’s acted in several Daniel Craig Bond films, Boardwalk Empire, and The Hunger Games. On Rick and Morty he plays the role of an alien who vexes Rick into an existential crisis by continuing to use his private toilet.

Elon Musk

Elon Tusk

Elon Musk is a South African/Canadian/American engineer and industrialist who serves as the founder and CEO of SpaceX and CEO of Tesla, along with numerous other ventures. Presumably he did not call anyone behind the scenes of Rick and Morty a pedophile but you never know.

Justin Theroux

Miles Knightley

Justin Theroux has had quite the career in Hollywood. He first came to prominence acting in the David Lynch films Mulholland Drive and Inland Empire. He then continued to appear in major films while also writing some for good measure like Tropic Thunder, Iron Man 2, and Rock of Ages. On television he played Kevin Garvey in HBO’s The Leftovers. For Rick and Morty, he played the role of “heist artist” Miles Knightly in “One Crew Over the Crewcoo’s Morty.” You son of a bitch, I’m in.

Pamela Adlon

Angie Flint

Pamela Adlon is the rare case of an actor who was first best-known for voice work breaking into the live-action arena in a big way. Adlon is best known for giving voice to Bobby Hill on King of the Hill, while also voice acting in other animated projects like Recess, and 101 Dalmatians: The Series. A longtime collaborator of Louis C.K. (though not so much anymore), Adlon appeared on FX’s Louie and got a well-received FX show of her own, Better Things. On Rick and Morty, Adlon portrays Angie Flint – a lock-picker who Rick recruits to his heist team.

Matthew Broderick

Talking Cat

Matthew Broderick is a longtime stage, film, and television actor best known for his roles on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, WarGames, The Producers, and much more. Most recently he turned up on Netflix’s sadly-departed post-apocalyptic comedy Daybreak. On Rick and Morty, Broderick plays a Talking Cat with a secret so heinous it will drive anyone to near insanity.

Liam Cunningham

Balthromaw

To portray the voice of a wizened dragon, Rick and Morty turned to an actor best known for a series filled with them. The Irish actor Liam Cunningham is known to most people as Ser Davos Seaworth from Game of Thrones. Though not usually a voice actor he must have enjoyed his role on Rick and Morty as he turns up again briefly in Roiland’s Solar Opposites.

Phil LaMarr

Multiple Minor Roles

The first two things most people (and by most people I mean me) think of when they think of Phil Lamarr are his time on Mad TV and the moment his head explodes on Pulp Fiction. But aside from sketch comedy and head explosions, LaMarr has had a remarkable voice acting career. He portrayed the title character in Samurai Jack while also providing his voice to Justice League, Static Shock, and countless video games. It’s surprisingly hard to figure out what voices Phil LaMarr plays on Rick and Morty but given his talents it’s certain to be quite a few.

Christopher Meloni

Jesus

When Rick and Morty briefly presented the savior of mankind in season 4’s sixth episode, surely there was only one choice to play him. Christopher Meloni has had one of the more fascinating careers in entertainment. After playing the deadly serious role of Elliot Stabler on Law and Order: SVU for years, Meloni has re-embraced his comedic side in projects like Happy!, Harley Quinn, while reprising his role in the Wet Hot American Summer franchise.

Paul Giamatti

Story Lord

Paul Giamatti once joked in a late night talk show interview that his role in any given heist or action movie would be the guy wearing a headset in a van, typing on a computer, and telling the hero to “get out of there, man!” He has since parlayed that character actor sensibility into a remarkable, multi-award-winning career. Giamatti is best known recently for portraying Chuck Rhoades on Billions and producing AMC’s Lodge 49. Prior to that he played lead roles in American Splendor, HBO’s John Adams, and much more. The guy has a good handle on stories and therefore makes perfect sense as Rick and Morty’s Story Lord.

Alan Tudyk

Chris, Observant Glorzo, Multiple Minor Roles

Alan Tudyk is a nerd culture mainstay. Very few comic-cons come and go without Tudyk involved in at least one project presenting within them. Tudyk has played Hoban “Wash” Washburne on Firefly and its spinoff movie Serenity, Mr. Nobody on Doom Patrol, and many more beloved characters. His live-action appearances are just the tip of the nerd iceberg, however, with Tudyk providing his voice to everything from Solo: A Star Wars Story (K-2SO) to Harley Quinn (Clayface/The Joker). On Rick and Morty, Tudyk plays several unnamed characters.

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Rob Schrab

God

Rob Schrab is a Channel 101 veteran and longtime Harmon collaborator. Schrab is best known for his work as a director of projects like Monster House, Community, Parks and Recreation, and more. On Rick and Morty he plays none other than God…or at least the Zeus-like god of a remote planet.

Jim Gaffigan

Hoovy

Jim Gaffigan is a wildly successful standup comedian who co-created and starred in a TV show about his life for TV Land called The Jim Gaffigan Show. While he’s appeared sparingly in films, of late he’s dabbled in voice acting, lending his voice to Hotel Transylvania 3, Playmobil: The Movie, and Luca. His kindly Midwestern accent lends itself nicely to the helpful but doomed Hoovy on Rick and Morty.

Planetina

Alison Brie

Five seasons in and Rick and Morty is still finding old friends from Community to make their debut. Alison Brie played Annie Edison on Dan Harmon’s classic series. Since then she’s become quite the star, serving as a lead on GLOW and voice acting in BoJack Horseman and The Lego Movie 2. She even provided the voice of Natasha Romanoff a.k.a. Black Widow in the video game Marvel Avengers Academy.

Steve Buscemi

Eddie

Steve Buscemi is a prolific and talented character actor known for his classic roles in Fargo, Reservoir Dogs, The Sopranos, and more. That he plays such a relatively minor role on Rick and Morty suggests that he might be a fan of the show and just wanted to stop by and say hey. Buscemi is also notable for being a New York firefighter prior to his acting life.

Christina Ricci

Princess Ponietta

Once known as a talented child actor, Christina Ricci has continued her creative work into adulthood. The actress has starred in films like Speed Racer, Black Snake Moan, and the upcoming fourth Matrix movie. Bless her for dropping by Rick and Morty only to play an CHUD horse-person princess pregnant with Rick’s heir.

Kyle Mooney

Blazen

Kyle Mooney is an SNL cast member and writer who specializes in offbeat characters and sketches. He also wrote and starred in 2017’s Brigsby Bear. His role hasn’t been officially confirmed on Rick and Morty yet but it seems as though he voices the Mortal Kombat-esque faux badass Blazen.

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artificialqueens · 3 years

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Down with the Recipe, Bake from the Heart, 6/10 (Taywhora) - Juno

Chapter summary: For alternative ingredients week, the bakers are challenged by a vegan signature, a gluten-free technical, and a dairy-free showstopper which will threaten to derail them. Meanwhile, Aurora is confused by Tayce’s seemingly opposing actions. Bimini’s motives are a mystery to everyone in the tent. And Lawrence’s strange avoidance of Ellie may send her to breaking point.

WEEK 6: ALTERNATIVE INGREDIENTS WEEK

All of Aurora’s side had moved up one space following Asttina’s unexpected elimination last week. Now Lawrence was at the front of their row, with Ellie behind her and Aurora behind Ellie. On the other side there was Bimini at the front, followed by Tia, then Veronica, and Tayce at the back, still on her own as Aurora’s side dwindled each week.

It was the halfway point in the series, and Aurora wasn’t nervous any more.

Screw that. I’m Star Baker. None of them had better mess with me.

Five more episodes to go, and only four more eliminations. It almost felt like the home stretch.

Aurora was a little taller this week, letting her gaze drift around the much-emptier tent, wondering who the three finalists would be.

Me and Tayce for definite. But who else?

Bimini and Ellie had a badge each, while Tia, Veronica and Lawrence were yet to win one. But Asttina had won the first week and gone home.

Besides, they all had strengths and weaknesses. Ellie couldn’t get consistent in Technicals, but always made up for it with her Showstoppers, a seemingly boundless imagination in that head. And Bimini had been fair, not bad but not great; but they’d won Bread Week. Anyone who watched more than one season of this show knew that winning bread week was basically a Willy Wonka golden ticket to the finale.

Then again, Veronica was a great baker, and she had yet to have a disastrous round, even though she hadn’t exactly done anything groundbreaking either. And Lawrence was consistently in the top half of the pack, and Aurora thought she could have won Bread Week too - if Bimini hadn’t pipped her to the post.

That just left Tia. Tia, who could bake an amazing, light-as-air cake; whose rainbow-iced biscuits were just the right ginger flavour; and whose bread was delicious - but whose bakes always looked like she’d sat on them before presenting them. Great taste, but appalling presentation.

If she starts nailing the looks of her bakes, she’s gonna win a badge.

Still, badges didn’t guarantee you a place in the final. Asttina had already gone home; someone else with a badge might do the same this week.

What if it’s the Star Baker curse? Coming back to take us badge-winners out one by one? Maybe it will be badge-less finale?

But Aurora pushed that thought away.

There isn’t a Star Baker curse. That was just some previous seasons. You don’t win Star Baker and get eliminated the next week any more.

Bimini was grinning from ear to ear, and Aurora realised why - it was alternative ingredients week, and there was definitely something vegan in the pipeline for Bimini to excel at.

——

Signature: 6 vegan mini quiches.

“Prue and Paul would like you to make six vegan mini-quiches this week. Now, these are not quiches made out of vegans, but quiches made with no animal products at all - no dairy or eggs.”

“And of course the filling must also be vegan - so no meat or cheese for the flavourings.”

Aurora grimaced. Here we go.

This was the week Aurora had been dreading. She’d tried to make vegan cakes and gluten-free treats for her work with the shelter, but they’d almost always failed. She’d sworn off making anything for her best friend Blake, who was celiac, telling him to go find a professional baker.

“But that’s you!” He’d protested, nudging her as she declined to make him a birthday cake last month.

She’d sighed. “I’m not that good, mate. I don’t really want to kill you.”

He’d tilted his head. “Bit rich to think you could get rid of me that easily. If you kill me with a bake, I’ll just come haunt you. Rattle some chains at you like I’m fucking - Marley or whatever his name is.”

Aurora sighed at the memory. Trust Bookworm Blake to bring up a Dickens reference.

Once Matt and Noel had announced that it was time to start baking, Aurora grabbed the ingredients she needed and ran her pencil back down her recipe again. The dough for the pastry cases was straightforward enough - she had to replace the milk, but there were plenty of replacements, and Aurora had opted for oat milk, which she’d read was best for vegan baking.

The real challenge, and she thought everyone was thinking the same thing, came to the filling. She had her pastry cases ready to go in no time, but making the filling eggy but also egg-less would be the biggest issue.

God. What do vegans do about eggs?

“You alright, babes?”

Aurora met Bimini’s hazel eyes as they stood, leaning on their elbows at Aurora’s workbench.

“What - what are you wearing this week?” Aurora said finally. Bimini’s outfit this week was a red and silver jumpsuit under the plain beige apron, causing an absurd clash of colours. “You look like a can of Coke.”

“Oh, this old thing? I found it in the back of my wardrobe earlier this week. Nah,” Bimini waved their hand, “it’s a replica of an outfit Noel wore when he was in The Mighty Boosh. You know, that comedy show he did? You never seen it?”

“And he wore that?” Aurora nodded. “Okay. Well, I guess it looks as if it will repel food if you spill it on yourself.”

“You alright, anyway?” Bimini switched straight back to concern, a concern that Aurora was unsure was real.

We’re at mid-point. Is this some kind of game plan that Bim has?

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure? Because baking something vegan is normally weird enough for people when they don’t have any vegans in their lives, but like, when it has to be egg-less, people tend to lose their minds a bit.”

“Well -“

Aurora faltered for a second too long; and that was enough of a cue for Bimini to round the corner of the workbench and sift through Aurora’s ingredients.

“Hang on. What are you replacing the egg with?”

“Uhm,” Aurora held it up. “Silken tofu. I thought I’d blend it and use that for the filling.”

Bimini gave a low whistle, nodding and evidently impressed. “Good choice! You just have to make sure you blend it so there’s no lumps. Whizz it up really fast. Give it a splash of oat milk too, you don’t want lumpy quiches. Oh, and if you have nutritional yeast, it will give it a really good flavour.”

Before Aurora could say another word, Bimini had skipped away to Veronica on the other side of the room. “You alright, babes?” She heard them say to her.

“What’s Bim doing?” Aurora asked Ellie as they went to the tea tent together.

Ellie shrugged. “Don’t know. They came over to me earlier and gave me some tips on the egg mixture.”

“They did the same thing to me! Did it help you at all? Are they - d’you think they’re playing the game?”

“Weird game to play,” Ellie shook her head. “And my egg mixture seems to be alright. What I’m wondering is when are they gonna make their own quiches? They’ve spent twenty minutes coming and looking at all ours instead.”

But when Ellie and Aurora went back to the tent, Bimini had put their pastry cases in the oven and was doing some sort of rap and dance with Noel, the cameras trained on them both.

This day is just getting strange.

While her own pastry cases were baking, Aurora watched the judges approach Tayce, who was a little behind the rest of them, still moulding her pastries into the cases and preparing the beads at the bottom of them to keep their shape whilst baking.

“Morning Tayce!”

Tayce blinked, for a second in a dream, before putting on her winning smile. “Bore da, judges! Fancy seeing you here!”

“Tell us a bit about your bakes.”

“Well,” Tayce leant over the workbench, surveying them through her eyebrows. “I’m making some mini quiches flavoured with onions, tomato, and broccoli.”

“What’s inspired that then?”

Aurora’s heart stopped beating for a moment as Tayce paused for a couple of seconds, and then chuckled, a strangely sad sound, her head suddenly dropping to hang.

She straightened back up, putting the winning smile back from where it had slipped.

“Makes me think of my Pops. Out in the allotment, digging around for onions and potatoes and all that stuff, he liked to bring me along and gave me a little trowel and let me dig for worms. He’d say, Oh, they’re good, worms, good for the earth.” Tayce paused, tentative, before her next words. “Would have been his birthday today.”

“That - all sounds very nice,” Prue said gently. “Best of luck! Can’t wait to taste them, Tayce.”

And they were gone, going out the tent to grab themselves a cup of tea for their own break. Tayce stared straight ahead for a few seconds, before biting her lip, turning her gaze down to the onions she was about to start cutting.

Aurora realised her own hand was on her chest, at the base of her throat.

——

In spite of the ingredients being a little unorthodox, not what she was used to at all, Bimini’s tip for blending the tofu worked surprisingly well, and when Paul and Prue had both praised her tomato, spinach and olive mini quiches - not Aurora’s idea, one her nan had told her to do to be ‘more posh’ - Aurora realised with a rush that almost everyone had had some good critiques this week, mostly on the quality of their egg replacements.

And they’d all been based on Bimini’s good advice.

Handshakes were being dished out like Oprah’s cars. Lawrence got a handshake, then Veronica got a handshake, then - Aurora gasped - Tayce got a handshake, looking flustered for the first time since Aurora had known her, with a high-pitched giggle that Aurora was unfamiliar with, and a gasp of “Who, me? Like this?”

“Contest seems to be heating up,” Aurora said, as they sat in Carr Hall’s common room during the break. “And we thought you were trying to sabotage us, Bim!” She said as Bimini approached them, grinning from cheek to cheek, a pile of mini quiches on their plate.

“I’m just happy I get to try everyone’s this week,” they replied, picking up one which Aurora recognised as her own, and biting into it. “God. It’s so harsh seeing loads of cakes and stuff each week and only being able to try your own.”

“I’ve tried vegan baking before, it just always goes tits up,” Tayce piped up, coming to sit down. “Like me on a Friday night. It goes flat, or it goes wonky donkey, or it falls over.”

“Is that the cake, or you on a Friday night?” Bimini nudged Tayce with their foot; Tayce responding by slapping their arm.

“Hey! Cheeky bitch. Bet I’m not the only one.”

Tayce was laughing and joking as usual, while Aurora couldn’t help chewing her lip. It was a little uncomfortable, Aurora found, being around Tayce right now.

Last week had been the strangest week yet. She’d found herself floating through it in a mixture of fun at flirting playfully with Tayce, a little bit of pride at being the centre of attention for once, and trying to let herself enjoy the baking in the same way she did when she baked for her friends - filling it with love and good thoughts and positivity.

And it had worked. A bright badge in the shape of a dessert sat on her chest.

But the day of the Showstopper, things felt distorted again.

She’d known this whole flirting thing was meant to be a play for the cameras. That was what Tayce had implied only two weeks ago, that their romance was mainly for on-screen. But last weekend, Tayce in her bed, warm and secure and silent, was heavenly; both of them comfort for each other during this time, and Aurora dared to hope that Tayce might be starting to feel the same way as she did …

… until she’d woken up the next morning to find an empty bed, a cold spot where Tayce should have been.

And then again in the evening, just the two of them. Tayce hadn’t even responded to her kiss, instead opting to leave straight after, as if she didn’t want to be around her at all.

Aurora didn’t understand, all her thoughts about what was going on and what this blur from fake flirting into actual closeness was … tangling into one big worrisome knot that occupied most of her mind.

Does she have any feelings for me at all, or … is this fake-flirting thing a really elaborate scheme to distract me and get me sent home?

——

Technical: 12 Gluten-free pitta breads

“Any tips for the bakers this week, Paul?”

“Yes.” Paul straightened up. “The ingredients are there to be used.”

At the relative silence throughout the tent, Matt shrugged. “Alright then. That’s nice and clear. They have to leave the tent now, so goodbye judges!”

Once the judges had gone, and the Technical had been announced, Aurora shut her eyes, her fingers drumming on the workbench again. Gluten-free pitta bread? This week was going to be even more hell.

She focused on making notes on her instructions, and once she’d got her ingredients into the KitchenAid, she was starting to feel a little calmer, as she did once things were starting to move. She was running her pencil down her notes when her thoughts were interrupted by a voice in front of her.

“You alright, babes?”

She looked up to see Bimini leaning over her workbench, chin in their hands. Aurora tried to hide the frown. Again?

“Hi. No - no. I can never get gluten-free baking right. My best friend is celiac, and I haven’t managed to make anything he can eat that doesn’t look like a mess.”

“More xantham gum than you think,” Bimini muttered with a wink. “That’ll make it less crumbly. Oh, and if you rest it, it will help the bake.”

When Bimini skipped away again, over to Tayce to most likely give her the same tip, Aurora stared dumbstruck after them for a good ten seconds before shaking her head in wonder and adding another teaspoon of xantham gum to the dish.

“Did he say they wanted six pitta breads?” This time it was Ellie’s voice that made Aurora look up.

“No - twelve.”

“Ah - alright.”

Aurora concentrated on kneading the dough, trying to give it as much air as possible, when she was interrupted again, this time by a gentle but familiar hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at Tayce, who held a cup of tea in her other.

“Thanks.”

The cameras were absent, pointed at Bimini and Noel doing some dance at Bimini’s workbench, rapping along to something.

“You looked like you could do with some tea. Giving that dough some welly, aren’t you?”

Tayce’s voice was strangely subdued, her fingers twisting in front of her. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes to savour it. “I love the smell of dough. Makes me think about my nana’s house. She was always baking stuff. Her whole kitchen smelled like a bakery.”

She was stopped in her reminiscing by Ellie knocking her baking tray to the floor with a crash. Pushing her hair behind her ears, Tayce nodded to Aurora.

“Right. Well. Better get back to it.”

And Aurora stared at her retreating back, wondering what had come over Tayce today. She wasn’t really as flirty, more … caring, even bringing over tea for her. This whole arrangement was just getting more confusing. It was supposed to be fake, but now lots of threads of what seemed like care were starting to entwine themselves into the knot her mind was in.

I just can’t think about Tayce right now. It’s too confusing. Focus on pitta bread.

By the time Aurora was laying out her pittas on the baking tray, Ellie spun round to her again, hands clutching at her hair.

“Is it six pitta breads?”

Why am I bloody Wikipedia all of a sudden today? And didn’t she just ask me this a minute ago?

“Eleanor,” Aurora said sternly, while Ellie grimaced, seeming to shrink slightly.

“I know, I know -“

“It’s on the top of the instructions as well - look - twelve pitta breads! I think you need a break or something, Els,” Aurora pointed outside. “Why don’t you take two minutes or something?”

But Ellie’s hands, still in her hair, balled into tight fists as she spoke, sounding a little hysterical. “I can’t - it’ll spoil - I don’t -“

“Ellie, go outside! Go on! You’re panicking!”

As Ellie marched past her outside, Aurora watched Tia, her breads already in the oven, rushing out after her. But Lawrence, in front of Aurora, simply glanced to the clear partition of the tent briefly, before turning back to putting her bread on the baking tray.

“Lozza?” That was Tayce, who had noticed the same thing. But Lawrence didn’t seem to hear her, even though everyone else in the tent did.

“Lawrence -“

“I’ll go get her in a tick, alright?”

Aurora swallowed, watching Lawrence as she arranged her breads, putting them in the oven, and she had no choice but to do the same; time was running out for them all.

It wasn’t long before Tia led Ellie back into the tent, arms linked, as Tia dropped Ellie off at her bench and stopped for a second to talk to her. “It’s just a bake, alright? Sometimes bakes go wrong for whatever reason, and that’s okay! Remember, you can only get better from making mistakes, alright?”

And Ellie nodded, grabbing her dough to shape into the pitta breads. Tia gave her one last squeeze on her forearm before heading back to her own bench to carry on her pittas, which were starting to look a bit flat.

Hopefully that will be the kick Ellie needs to turn this bake out.

When it came to judging, she sat with Tayce, who nudged her in the ribs with an oddly saccharine smile. Ellie still looked subdued on her other side, so she took her hand, rubbing it with her thumb, but to no reaction.

“In seventh place, we have this one, whose is this?” Paul motioned to Ellie’s plate, and Ellie defeatedly raised her hand no higher than her chin.

“Ellie - far too much baking powder in these, it burns the tongue - and a little bit over-baked, we expect them to still be soft in the middle.” Paul nodded to her, but Ellie just blinked in response, pursing her lips.

“And in sixth place -“

“Oh, that’s me,” Tia replied, raising her hand.

“Tia, these are burnt. I know you tried to scrape them a little so it looks a little bit better, but they cracked when we tried to bend them.”

“Okay,” Tia nodded, the earnest smile still on her face. “Next time.”

Aurora still cringed to herself whenever Tia said next time in response to her disasters. When in the name of Dawn French would she ever have to make gluten-free pitta breads again?

Maybe she has a bestie who’s celiac that she really wants to make some bakes for. Like Blake is.

The realisation stung Aurora harder than she thought it would. After all, she’d been wondering if she could make these for Blake one time. She leaned forward and saw Tia, no tears, no self-pity, graciously smiling at Veronica as Veronica tried to comfort her.

She never makes excuses. She’s never sorry for herself. She just … tries again.

Maybe that was it. This competition was about self-improvement, wasn’t it? Aurora pictured how happy Blake would be if she told him when she got back that she’d made something gluten-free and that she could now bake more things the same way.

How much she’d grown as a baker only in these six weeks.

“Whose is this one?”

Tayce was nudging her, and Aurora saw that Paul was behind her photograph. She raised her hand.

“Aurora - really good bake, well done. It just came down to the colour on this one. Which means the winner is … this one!”

Second in Technical! That’s gonna help at this point.

She joined the polite applause given to Veronica for her top placement, Veronica’s mouth agape in apparent shock. But as they all trudged out to the tent for their interviews, she watched Veronica spin in elation, her balled fists in the air to celebrate her placement, as if she’d expected it all along.

How much of any of this is real?

——

“Are they annoyed at us?” Veronica murmured, watching Tia and Ellie on their own on the opposite side of the room. They’d both opted to sit alone together, chatting quietly at first, both pallid and shaky, but now they sat silently, staring at the ceiling fan as it turned.

“I don’t think so -“ Aurora began, but Lawrence was chewing her finger again, and Veronica’s jaw twisted as she watched them. “I mean - you got top and third in Technical, you’re doing good - and they’re happy for you -“

“They don’t look fucking happy,” Lawrence muttered.

“They are, honest to God,” Aurora said, trying to calm Lawrence’s evident nerves, “but like … it’s hard, isn’t it, seeing people do better than you at this stage in the competition? We’re all here to win, at the end of the day.”

“We are all here to win, but …” Veronica trailed off with a sigh. “Me and Tia … we’ve really bonded.”

“You’ll still be friends afterwards! Or - y’know, whatever you two are.”

“What’s that meant to mean?” Veronica snapped.

“It’s pretty obvious to anyone with eyes, Veronica,” Lawrence added, “I don’t think you can really try to downplay that one.”

“Oh, right?” Veronica’s face grew redder with every second. “What about you then, Lawrence, if we’re bringing that up? You’ve been trying to avoid Ellie since Tayce said she saw the two of you canoodling after Asttina’s elimination last week!”

Lawrence’s jaw dropped open, and she frowned. “Canoodling? Did you really just say canoodling in a sentence?”

“I’m gonna go outside if you two are going to just argue,” Aurora muttered, shaking her head, standing to walk away from them both.

Her feet led her outside into the warm evening glow, watching the first of the stars come out into the deepening blue of the sky. The trees around the grounds caught the last orange light, a ring of fire, still a hot pressure cooker of a contest.

Aurora knew where Tayce would be. Through the grounds by the trees was a lake they’d found only last week, that Bimini had told her about, having found it on their morning run. And sure enough, she found Tayce on the bench, leaning on one elbow and kicking dirt with her shoe.

In spite of the confusion in her mind, Tayce still drew her in like a magnet.

When Aurora came to the bench, she startled Tayce momentarily, before Tayce’s easy smile came back, and Aurora sat with her, pulling her close into a one-armed hug.

“Hey.” Tayce gently disentangled herself, still not sounding herself. “Coming to see me?”

“I can’t stand being around those lot any more,” Aurora huffed. “I don’t know what’s going on with any of them, but it feels like you can cut the air in the room with a butter knife, for God’s sake.”

“They’re just annoyed because one of them is getting eliminated tomorrow.”

Aurora blinked at her strangely sharp words. Tayce scuffed the dirt with her shoe, turning to meet Aurora’s stare and to give her a reassuring smile, but it didn’t stretch to her eyes, and she looked as if she almost didn’t seem to believe it herself.

“You got a bit emotional earlier as well, when you were talking about your quiches.”

Tayce shrugged. “Yeah, yeah I did a bit.” She turned back away to scuff her shoe again, a little rougher than before.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She shrugged. “Not much more to tell, really, just me and my Pops going to get veggies from the allotment. He had tomatoes in his greenhouse. And broccoli. He had loads of veggies.”

“Did he bake with you too?”

“Yeah. Actually, he liked making a quiche or two. Normally with ham, but he used to let me put the beads in the pastry tins to keep the crust from moving. Or he’d make a pie and let me do all the crimping on the edges.”

Tayce’s smile was fading as she spoke, leaning her head back to look at the sky.

“I miss him.”

Three words that hit Aurora right in the middle of her chest.

Her own eyes welling up, she rubbed Tayce’s back, until Tayce shuffled nearer and let herself drop her head to Aurora’s shoulder, let Aurora pull her in tightly, sitting silently to count the stars as they came out of their hibernation.

“It’s weird.”

“What’s weird?” Aurora asked.

“I dunno, just - it’s weird the things that remind you of people.”

“That doesn’t sound weird to me.”

“I mean …” Tayce began, but she stopped, twisting to get comfortable. “Oh, it doesn’t matter.”

Tayce was an elastic band, pulling away before snapping her back with a modicum of tenderness, and letting Aurora back in to see through some of the cracks in her armour. Just enough to keep Aurora hanging on, so it felt.

It was exhausting.

——

Showstopper: A dairy-free, vegetable-based novelty cake.

The Showstopper seemed straightforward enough. Everyone liked carrot cake, right? At least, Aurora enjoyed a slice of the orange stuff, although when she’d mentioned it to Ellie this morning she’d wrinkled her nose in an adorably disgusted manner.

“What’s yours going to be, then?” She’d asked.

“Beetroot.”

“Beetroot?”

“Yeah,” Ellie had nodded earnestly, “like, I know it sounds a bit weird, but trust me, when you mix it with chocolate it tastes like heaven.”

Aurora hadn’t pushed the matter any further, but a bigger part of her than she anticipated was hoping Ellie could pull it off. After all, she and Tia were practically tied for worst at the moment, and as much as Aurora was growing to like Tia, she and Ellie had bonded far more.

On Aurora’s left, she watched Tia chopping sweet potatoes that would form the basis of her own cake, ready to cook and then go into the mixture. Veronica, in front of her, was also making sweet potato cake, but Aurora wasn’t worried about Veronica.

When she and Tayce had spoken about who she thought would excel at this week, they’d both said Bimini above everyone, but Veronica had been the shock frontrunner, the dark horse, as she had been all this contest. Veronica tended to keep to herself, grinding her teeth and locking her jaw, a cool stare keeping everyone away.

How someone as uptight as Veronica had thawed to someone as lackadaisical as Tia was anyone’s guess.

“Yeah, I guess she’s a bit stiff,” Tia had shrugged when asked about Veronica, “and yeah, don’t mention anything about the two of us to her, she’s a bit nervous about it being public yet. But we actually have loads in common. She’s really arty. She painted one of the scenes I photographed and showed it to me this weekend, and that meant a lot.”

“She - she paints?”

Tia had shown them all Veronica’s instagram, where Veronica had painted breathtaking scenes and posted them there. Watercolours mostly, with the odd acrylic, some experimental but mostly true life, leaping from the screen and into their minds.

Veronica might not be quite making the same art as usual now, but her bakes definitely showed some artistic flair when she presented them. They always had to be just so. And her colour palettes were always a theme in the judges’ comments.

“Well,” she’d grinned nervously this morning at breakfast when asked, “I’m left-handed. So I’m a bit arty farty, yeah.”

Aurora stole glances around the room as always, seeing Bimini with Tia a lot more today, leaning over her workbench and giving her guidance. Ellie looked a little less nervous, but she and Lawrence still weren’t really communicating.

Maybe Lawrence really is trying to avoid her. Or maybe they’re avoiding each other.

But Ellie had changed the subject this morning when Aurora had tried to bring it up. Turning the conversation back to her and Tayce.

And that was complicated enough.

This morning was the second weekend in a row she’d found herself falling asleep with Tayce in her bed, and the second weekend in a row she’d woken up in the morning to find an empty space there again.

It was a strange, numbing place, and Aurora wasn’t even sure what they were at the moment. Sure, they’d agreed to put on a bit of a show for the cameras. And Aurora could deal with that, with the playful nicknames, the kisses, the touch that didn’t feel tender enough to be more than method acting.

But Tayce spending the night in her bed had been an odd addition. Aurora had held her hand as she’d drawn her back from the pond, and they’d both ended up back in her room again, Netflix on, curled up into one another under the duvet.

All it had taken last night was half an episode of Glow before their hands and arms had intertwined, drawing them nearer still, into slow breathing in tandem with each other. Tayce purring at Aurora’s fingers as she played with her hair, until her breathing had relaxed even more and Aurora had looked down to see Tayce asleep at her chest, too serene to disturb by shifting her.

Nothing about it felt like an act. In fact, it was practically the opposite - bare bones, honesty, sincerity.

A far cry from the motions in the tent.

“Hey, babe. How’s the carrots?”

Speak of the devil.

Before Aurora had the chance to look up, she felt Tayce’s fingers at her waist, her chin resting on her shoulder.

Tayce seemed to be feeling a little better this morning. Her relaxed smile was back, her eyes glinting with the same mischief, and Aurora’s stomach was turning somersaults at the contact.

“Carrots are good. Just grated far more than I’ll need, just in case. What are you making with yours?”

“I’m making carrot cake too!” Tayce chuckled in her ear, sending a shiver down Aurora’s neck. “What a coincidence. It’s almost like we’re really in tune with each other. I hope you haven’t read my mind on what my flavours will be as well?”

But as Aurora looked, two cameramen were following them over to Tayce’s bench, as Tayce’s hand hovered at her back. “Carrot and cream cheese replacement, and I’m gonna shape it into a cow’s head, because … you know, no dairy?” Tayce chuckled. “I’m a comedy genius!”

“So we’re a bit different then,” Aurora nodded, as Tayce rested her head at her shoulder. “I’m adding diced pecans to mine.”

“So different then,” Tayce interrupted her, smirking, a hideously fake giggle bubbling at her throat. “That’s good. We’re just doing carrots at the same time! Imagine if we’d had the same recipe and the same idea. That would be strange, wouldn’t it!”

She’s trying a bit too hard now.

Tayce’s fingers were looped round her waist, her head on her shoulder; but she didn’t seem to be listening, just talking at the cameras pointed at them both. Aurora disentangled herself from Tayce’s touch and smiling as widely as she could, backed away.

“You going back to your bake?”

“Yeah - lots to do, Tayce,” Aurora muttered through gritted teeth.

“Alright. Cwtch you later.” Tayce cocked an eyebrow as she smirked, but Aurora’s stomach twisted at how sinister her words seemed to sound on her tongue.

——

“Veronica, would you bring your cake up to the front please?”

Veronica was last this week - the judging had been in alphabetical order - but Aurora had also barely been concentrating. Tayce’s actions this afternoon had confused her yet again, and she’d tried to avoid speaking much to Tayce for the whole rest of the day, but that hadn’t gone as well as she’d hoped. Tayce had come over regularly, and cameras had followed them both around.

“It’s - it’s a sweet potato cake flavoured with almonds, and the icing is dairy-free buttercream with a vanilla flavour.”

Veronica was giggling nervously, while the rest of the people in the tent smiled at her. But Aurora’s mind span in a whirlwind of thoughts.

What if Tayce really is trying to distract me? To throw me off?

The thought struck her over the head, a sudden bolt of lightning that left her numb with the shocking gravity of it.

No. Tayce is trying to keep attention on us. She’s trying to help us.

… or at least help herself.

But Aurora hastily pushed that notion away. After all, everyone else in the tent was also fighting for that attention, whether they meant to or not.

Take Bimini, and their absurd dancing and rapping with Noel, what they insisted was called a crimp, whatever that meant. Was that genuine, or was that the result of them all being on the show? Maybe Bimini was a bit of an exhibitionist, but maybe they weren’t - maybe it was a front.

Was that really all that different to Tayce wanting to play up their relationship to the cameras?

How do I know that she feels anything for me at all?

“Beautiful. Beautiful flavours, you don’t get anything apart from a rich, sweet cake, and the design is ingenious. Really great week for you, Veronica.” Prue was smiling her sweet smile, and Veronica hunched shyly into her shoulders as she took the cake back.

The fog of dread was descending on them all as they walked back to Carr Hall. The bakes were always put on a table for them to try, before being given to the crew at the end of the day; but no one really felt like eating anything as they went in, the fog following them all.

“We don’t want anyone to go home at this stage,” Veronica said grimly.

They all knew what she really meant, Bimini more than anyone, as they nodded and stretched their legs out. “It’s shit. I feel like a jinx. Get too near to me, and you’re gone. Happened to Ginny, then Asttina.”

Aurora thought back to the judging for Bimini’s Showstopper, which hadn’t gone as well as any of them had thought.

“I thought this week was yours for the taking, Bim,” Aurora said quietly, cautious. “It’s all vegan stuff, and alternative ingredients. No one would have thought you’d be getting those sorts of critiques.”

Everyone murmured in agreement. The judges has been kind as always, but it was clear that Bimini had landed themselves in trouble at the expense of helping out everyone else in the tent, helping them all with their recipes.

“Well, I did.”

They all turned to stare at Bimini’s dark words.

“Bim?”

“It’s my own fault. Well, not even really a fault. But somewhere between Asttina going home and me coming back here this weekend, I decided it’s probably not important.”

“What isn’t?”

“A cake stand.” Bimini laughed bitterly. “That’s what it is! A cake stand. And I can get one of those from M&S. I could get Joe to come with me. No, I knew this was gonna be an okay week for me, so …” they shrugged, “I wanted to help you all out too. So it looks like I didn’t really … try.”

But Bimini was smiling still.

“I mean, it’s not all bad, is it? You can now all bake vegan quiches. You can make stuff for your intolerant mates, or your vegan mates, when you get back. That’s more important to me than winning this week - getting you all to be able to make more stuff vegan for your friends. Anything you can bake, I can bake vegan, and I feel like spreading awareness is gonna be better in the long run than me winning a badge!” They waved a fist in the air.

“Don’t you … want to win?” Aurora asked.

Bimini paused for half a second too long before nodding.

“I do want to win, course I do - but this show is a platform as well, know what I mean?”

——

When the producer came in to call them back to the tent for the elimination, Aurora watched as Ellie jogged to Tia to hug her around the waist, both of them holding back to let the others go, Tia wiping tears from her cheeks as they stood there.

As Aurora left them to it, she walked into Lawrence, at the doorway, watching the entrance intently.

“Lozza?” Tayce called to her from the grounds, but Lawrence waved them on.

“I’m coming - see you inside.”

Lawrence and Ellie were last in the tent, the rest of them on their stools while they waited, no one quite sure what they were doing outside. But when Aurora finally watched Lawrence come in with Ellie, both of them had red eyes and Lawrence’s eyeliner was running as they sat down.

Veronica put a hand to her mouth at being called for Star Baker. Aurora clapped her politely, while Tia smiled widely and rested her head on her shoulder, pulling her into a one-armed hug.

But Tia was biting her lip, waiting for the call for the next person to leave the tent. They all knew it was between her and Ellie, and Aurora could hear Lawrence whispering to Ellie, who was staring straight ahead as usual, but she couldn’t make any words out …

“Tia. I’m so sorry, Tia.”

Veronica’s hand, lingering at her mouth, shook as she gasped.

But Tia, her face deadpan as ever, tilted her head. “Are you sure? Positive? I mean, I don’t have any other plans, so …”

Aurora managed a laugh at Tia’s attempt at humour at the situation, but she appeared to be the only one. Bimini’s eyes were downcast as they got up to hug Tia, and Tayce was rubbing Veronica’s back to comfort her. Lawrence had her arms linked around Ellie’s waist while Ellie dabbed her eyes.

“Come on, Els - it’s fine, I knew it would be me -“ Tia wrapped an arm around them both, unable to disentangle Lawrence from her, drifting over to Aurora next, and then Tayce.

Veronica, both hands in hers, stared up at her with eyes pooling with tears, as Tia bent to whisper something in her ear, causing Veronica to snort with laughter and double over, before tugging Tia towards her, wrapping her arms around her waist, Tia dropping kisses on her forehead before they both left the tent for their winning and exit interviews.

“What did Tia say to you?” Aurora asked Veronica later on, when Veronica came back to Carr Hall, her face red and eyes bloodshot.

“Oh,” Veronica snorted again. “It’s nothing, just silly stuff -“

“It must have been good, if it made you perk up?”

“Alright,” Veronica said, sniffing. “She said - she said If I had a badge, I’d be leaving it to you in my will. That was it. I don’t even know why I found it funny, but it was at the time.”

Tayce threw back her head in a laugh. “Only way you’re getting another badge, Vee!”

Veronica blinked before smiling, more like a grimace; but Aurora’s blood had frozen at Tayce’s comment. The languid smile on her face, the flash in her eyes, just made Aurora question Tayce’s intentions even more than she already was.

Tayce had changed.

The woman who had helped her cut and load her brownies only two weeks ago, now tossing verbal barbs at any opportunity. Yesterday about Tia and Ellie. And now to Veronica. And as much as she was madly attracted to Tayce, there was no denying that doubt crept around the edge of Aurora’s mind at this new development, unsure what Tayce was truly thinking.

What would she be saying about me if I’d gone?

——

SIX BAKERS REMAIN

#rpdr fanfiction #rpdr uk #down with the recipe #juno #uk2 #baking au #gbbo au #taywhora #tayce #a'whora #bimini bon boulash #tia kofi #veronica green #ellie diamond #lawrence chaney #fluff #lesbian au

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wazafam · 4 years

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Disenchantment has returned for a third season and its amazing ensemble of veteran voice actors has returned with it. The new season also boasts some impressive guest stars, who only appear for an episode or two, but have a major impact upon the story and setting.

Set in a fantasy realm that may also be the same reality as Futurama, Disenchantment centers around Princess Tabeanie, or Bean for short. A hard-drinking rebel who has little use for her father's ideas about marrying her off to secure an alliance with a neighboring nation, Bean feels that there's some great destiny awaiting her somewhere outside the gates of Dreamland. She's right, but she's also not too crazy about fulfilling that destiny, which involves paying a debt her mother's family owes Hell and having a crown screwed into her head.

Related: Netflix: The Best New TV Shows & Movies This Weekend (January 15)

Season 3 picks up right where season 2 ended, with Bean having escaped being burned at the stake as a witch by a mob of Dreamlanders only to find herself surrounded by an entirely different mob of Trogs: a race of stunted, sub-terrain cave dwellers, who are in league with Bean's treacherous mother, Queen Dagmar. Here's a rundown of all the returning cast of Disenchantment and the roles that they play, as well as all the guest stars with major roles in season 3.

The lead heroine of Disenchantment, Bean is not your typical tomboy princess who wants adventure in the great wide somewhere. She'd be much happier if she just had the freedom to get wasted and pick up whatever cute guys she could find at the tavern, but fate (and the rest of the world, it seems) have other plans for her. She is voiced by Abbi Jacobson, who is best known as the creator and star of Broad City. She can also be heard in Bojack Horseman as the voice of Todd's ex-girlfriend, Emily.

Luci is Bean's own personal demon, bonded to her for all eternity to push her to the path of wickedness. This proved to be a much easier job than Luci's masters in Hell had anticipated, and he soon began to slack off on his demonic duties to run a bar and contribute to the general wickedness of Dreamland as a whole. Luci is voiced by Eric André, who is perhaps most famous as the creator and host of The Eric André Show. He also voiced the hyena Azizi in The Lion King remake.

Too cynical for the world of elves and too naïve for the world of man, Elfo is a half-elf who isn't entirely sure where he belongs. He has found a place at Bean's side, but his crush on her is unrequited and the only other love he seems to find is in all the wrong places (very wrong, incredibly sick and filthy wrong places). Elfo is voiced by writer/actor Nat Faxon, who is probably best known for his collaborations with Jim Rash, such as The Descendants and The Way, Way Back. He also played a lead in the FX show Married and the Netflix comedy series Friends From College. More recently, he's provided the voice for Captain Underpants in The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants in Space and will be playing Han Solo in the upcoming Star Wars: Detours series.

Related: Netflix: Every Movie and TV Show Releasing In January 2021

Absolute ruler of Dreamland and Bean's beloved (if begrudging) father, King Zøg starts season 3 in ill health and on the verge of losing his life along with his crown. Naturally Zøg being Zøg, he's more concerned about the hat than his health. He is voiced by animation legend John DiMaggio, who is well known to Futurama fans as the voice of Bender. He also provided the voice for Jake the Dog in Adventure Time, Dr. Drakken on Kim Possible, and even Marcus Fenix in the Gears of War video game series. Recently, he voiced Heidegger in the English dub of the Final Fantasy VII remake. He also voiced both King Shark and the demon Trigon in Justice League Dark: Apokolips War.

The second wife of Zøg, who abandoned him and Dreamland to seek a new life as Queen of the Pirates, Oona returns to Dreamland in Disenchantment season 3. She is voiced by Tress MacNeille, who has voiced multiple characters on both The Simpsons and Futurama, including Agnes Skinner and Mom (of Mom's Friendly Robot Corp.). MacNeille also provides the voices for Prince Derek and the Archdruidess who leads Dreamland's state religion. She is also beloved as the voice of Dot Warner from Animaniacs.

Heir to the throne of the neighboring kingdom of Bentwood, Prince Merkimer was intended to be Bean's second fiancée after the untimely impalement of his older brother. While the wedding was called off after he was turned into a talking pig, Merkimer continued to hang around the palace of Dreamland being sad and/or drunk. He is voiced by British comedian Matt Berry, who is famous for his appearances on The IT Crowd, Toast of London, and What We Do In The Shadows. He can currently be heard in The Watch, lending his voice to a magic sword named Wayne.

A torturer and executioner by trade, Stan is still a jovial man who does his job with a kind word and a craftsman's eye. He is voiced by British comedy legend Noel Fielding, who is well-known as one half of The Mighty Boosh and for playing Richmond in The IT Crowd. Viewers may recognize him as a co-presenter for The Great British Bake-Off. He also lent his voice to Balthazar in The LEGO Movie 2.

Related: Disenchantment Season 2 Has Some Weird Game Of Thrones References

Still best known for playing the role of Michael Bolton in Office Space, David Herman went on to become one of the most prolific voice actors in Hollywood. He voices several characters in Disenchantment, the most notable being the Herald of Dreamland. He also provides the voices for Bean's uncle Jerry and the snarky spa attendant Chazz. He can also be heard as Mr. Frond in Bob's Burgers and Dmitry in Central Park.

Bean's mother and King Zøg's first wife, Dagmar is a wicked witch who has big plans for Bean involving some sort of prophecy. Season 3 will find her once again manipulating her daughter for her own sinister designs. Dagmar is voiced by Sharon Horgan, a comedian and voice actor who has appeared in several British sitcoms including Catastrophe and This Way Up. She provides the voices for Courtney Portnoy in Bojack Horseman and Kathleen in Bob's Burgers and also appeared in the movie Game Night

One of the most prolific voice actors in the business, Maurice LaMarche is perhaps most famous for his impression of Orson Welles, whom he played on both The Simpsons and Futurama. His voice was also dubbed over Vincent D'Onofrio's performance as Orson Wells in Tim Burton's biographical film Ed Wood. LaMarche's chief role on Disenchantment is the treacherous, three-eyed minister Odval, but he voices a number of supporting roles as well, such as the legendary demon hunter Big Jo.

Bunty is Bean's simple-minded, ever-pregnant maid. She is voiced by Lucy Montgomery, who will be familiar to many fans of British comedy. She appeared in the 2011 revival of Absolutely Fabulous, The Armstrong and Miller Show, Bellamy's People of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and Tracy Breaks the Internet. She can also be heard on a number of children's programs, having lent her voice to both Thomas the Tank-Engine and Bob the Builder.

Related: All The Simpsons & Futurama Easter Eggs In Disenchantment Season 2

The chief wizard of Dreamland ever since he was allowed to put stars on his dunce cap, Sorcerio is perhaps the most incompetent member of Dreamland's ruling council — a low bar to jump over. He is voiced by legendary voice actor Billy West, who is instantly recognizable to fans of Futurama as the voice of Fry, Zoidberg, Zapp Brannigan and Professor Farnsworth. West has provided several iconic voices over his long career, including the title characters from The Ren & Stimpy Show and Doug. West pulls quadruple-duty on Disenchantment as well, also providing the voices for the Jester, Sir Mertz, and the Elf King Rulo.

Season 3 of Disenchantment briefly finds Elfo confined to a freak show, where he befriends a sarcastic mermaid named Mora who has dreams of being an actress. Mora is voiced by Meredith Hagner, who might be recognized as Portia Davenport from Search Party. She also voiced Madison on Bob's Burgers.

Rich Fulcher as Sir Turbish - Best known for his work with Noel Fielding and Matt Berry on various projects, Rich Fulcher returns to voice the awkward but well meaning Sir Turbish.

Lauren Tom as Trixy - Well known to Futurama fans as the voice of Amy Wong, Lauren Tom lends her voice to Trixy: a female Torg who develops a truly disturbing attraction to Elfo.

Richard Ayoade as Alva - Best known as Maurice Moss from The IT Crowd, Richard Ayodae plays Alva, the mysterious man who essentially rules Steamland.

Phil LaMarr as God - Best known to Futurama fans as the voice of Hermes Conrad, Phil LaMarr returns as the voice of God, the chief deity of Disenchantment's cosmology.

More: Disenchantment: The Biggest Unanswered Questions After Season 2's Ending

Disenchantment Season 3 Cast & Character Guide: What The Voice Actors Look Like from https://ift.tt/3ikobqy

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joeyclift · 5 years

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Embracing The Uncertainty

As anyone working in the entertainment industry can tell you, it’s rare for any one job to last more than a few months. As a writer, your work on a television show is seasonal in that, when the show isn’t in season, you’re unemployed and if the show gets canceled or they decide not to bring your back, you’re somehow even more unemployed.

Most jobs in the entertainment industry aren’t posted on job websites. You (or your agent or manager if you’re extra fancy) hear about them via word of mouth. Because of that, your career and future opportunities are all sort of built on a foundation of sand (very unstable). One of the best pieces of advice I ever got working in the industry was from an internship at Baby Cow Productions in the UK right before I moved to Los Angeles (Baby Cow created The Mighty Boosh among other shows). One of the company’s co founders, legendary British comedian Henry Normal gave me the advice that to enjoy working in entertainment, you need to learn to embrace the uncertainty and now that I’ve been at it for a while, I can’t agree with that advice enough.

The second best piece of advice I’ve gotten in the industry was that it’s hard to forecast your future, but if you work hard and are nice to people, amazing things will happen. That was from Conan O’Brien, giving his farewell speech his last night hosting the tonight show. Here’s the video if you haven’t seen it.

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funface2 · 5 years

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Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You – iNews

He’s a mainstay of long-running panel show Have I Got News For You, and now funny-man Paul Merton is on a mission to unearth long-lost ancestors as part of BBC One’s Who Do You Think You Are?

To celebrate the quick-quipper’s nearly 40-year career, we’ve compiled almost as many of his best jokes and one-liners from his work on HIGNFY and beyond.

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

Angus Deayton: “And did you chat with the Queen Mother?” Paul Merton: “We talked about you.” Angus Deayton: “No, you didn’t.” Paul Merton: “Yes, we did.” Angus Deayton: “What did she say about me?” Paul Merton: “I’ve never heard such language in all my life.”

“I’ll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I’ve never got over it.”

“If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there’s no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.”

“I don’t consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.”

Ian Hislop: “And they’re behind Theresa May like Stormtroopers!” Paul Merton: “You’re having one of your turns again, Ian! You asked us to tell you when it happens! His nose bleeds when he has to deal with Popular Culture…”

“I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other’s post.”

(Photo: BBC)

“Every story ever written’s in the Dictionary! You just have to put the words in the right order.”

“Gromit is one of the great silent comedians. He’s up there with Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin. He may even be above them, because he’s still working.”

Sean Lock: “Only 2% of people go to church in this country.” Paul Merton: “And they’re priests!”

Jacob Rees-Mogg: “We know the plan! We are going to leave the EU! Brexit means Brexit!” Paul Merton: “That’s the Aim! What’s the plan?”

“My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past 25 years.”

“All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds – I can’t stand Noel Edmonds.”

“Bono was up on stage saying ‘Every time I click my fingers, a child dies!’ and someone yelled ‘Well, stop clicking your fingers, then!’”

“The first Underground station ever opened was Baker Street in 1906. What was the point of that? Where would you go?”

[On Chris Evans] “He’s got the look of a comedian but without the talent or the writing ability or the timing.”

(Photo: Getty)

“On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn’t, he said: ‘Do you mind if I mug you here?’”

Clive Anderson: “Do you still live in Islington as well, Boris?” Boris Johnson: “Partly, yes.” Paul Merton: “I don’t think you live on the planet Earth, never mind Islington!”

“It’s amazing how many people think they’ve got dignity to lose, isn’t it?”

[On the Queen at Harry and Meghan’s reception] “She’ll have a footman chucking cheesy Wotsits at her.”

“Am I the only one who’s always tempted to light the wick on top of a beret?”

“My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her.”

“Anne Widdecombe is the Odd One Out because she’s the only one holding a Decapitated Barn Owl.”

“There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.”

Frankie Boyle: “A new Superbreed of Sex-Mad, Sleepless Slugs has arrived from Spain.” Paul Merton: “Ah, an Alliterative Threat!”

(Photo: BBC)

“My hair’s got a life of its own. Last week I found it in the kitchen, making an omelette…”

[On reading the A to Z] “Can’t wait to see what happens at the end. The characters aren’t up to much but the places, they seem so real.”

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’”

“Mugabe is a Yorkshireman in reverse. Because his name is Ee by gum backwards. 37 years waiting for that laugh…”

“You’ve heard of Sheep gambolling in the meadows, well it was Poker they were playing!”

Paul Merton: “He doesn’t look old enough to have been a Milkman for 50 years!” Host: “They start them very young there. As soon as you can reach the udder, you’re away.” Paul Merton: “That’s not just Milkmen. For many people, that’s a good night out!”

“It’s silly to make generalisations, but if you talk to anyone in the south for longer than five minutes, they will try to sell you fruit.”

Paul Merton: “There are other reasons for squinting in bed, of course.” Angus Deayton: “Such as?” Paul Merton: “Use your imagination, Angus! We’d send out a search party for it, but they’d never come back!”

“Michael Gove! That is how a man dresses when his wife doesn’t see him leaving the house.”

(Photo: BBC)

Host: “But who would have loved to have been there? Justin O’ Schmidt!” Paul Merton: “Did the vicar drop him at the Baptism?”

“I’ve never been disappointed by politicians. I’ve never invested that much in them in the first place.”

More jokes:

38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes and quotes 34 of the best Valentine’s Day jokes and funniest one-liners 30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember 100 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive season one-liners 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes 30 of the best jokes about Theresa May 25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes 38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids 35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny) 26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes 16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes 34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes 30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes 26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes 21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners 45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes 41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians 30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes 100 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke 31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding 100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds 105 of the best bad jokes 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan 100 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And some hilarious quotes:

29 best Gavin and Stacey quotes and funniest jokes from James Corden and Ruth Jones’ comedy 38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable 31 Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments that prove he truly is Alan Partridge Valentine’s poems: 32 most romantic quotes from history’s greatest poets 38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes 41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death 30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82 23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes) 35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quips and insults 29 of the most outlandishly funny Mighty Boosh quotes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes

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talistheintrovert · 6 years

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tag rules: answer all questions, add one question of your own, and tag as many people as there are questions

Tagged by @el-corazon-y-la-cabeza Thanks hun! :)

1. Coke or pepsi: Coke

2. Disney or dreamworks: Disney

3. Coffee or tea: Both

4. Books or movies: Both

5. Windows or Mac: Windows

6. DC or marvel: Both (Let’s pretend the DC movies don’t exist, except Wonder Woman) When I say both, I geniunely mean the comics.

7. Xbox or PlayStation: Xbox

8. Dragon age or mass effect: Mass Effect.

9. Night owl or early riser: Night owl. I don’t need a lot of sleep.

10. Cards or chess: Cards... but I do love chess.

11. Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

12. Vans or converse: Converse.

13. Lavellan , Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: Lavellan, because wandering the wilderness is pretty dope.

14. Fluff or angst: Angst! (but with a happy ending, because I did not go through all that heartache for nothing, ya hear me???)

15. Beach or forest: Forest. I love the beach, but I’m less likely to be surrounded by obnoxious people in the forest.

16. Dogs or cats: Dogs. I’m allergic to cats (but I still love them)

17. clear skies or rain: RAIN, ALWAYS.

18. cooking or eating out: Cooking. I love it, and while I’m not a master chef, I’m pretty decent at it.

19. spicy food or mild food: I crave spicy once in a while but I usually go mild out of habit.

20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: Halloween.

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: too cold. I hate feeling hot. Even a little too hot would kill me. I start melting at 23 degrees celsius.

22. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Superspeed would be pretty good, because it’s multi-purpose, but I’d quite like to have Mystique’s powers (morphing to look like whatever I want) because I think it would be fascinating.

23. animation or live action: Live Action, but I like animation too.

24. paragon or renegade: Paragon, I struggle to pick the mean option even in video games 😂 I feel too guilty

25. baths or showers: Showers, but I do love a good bath, I just never seem to have the time.

26. team cap or team iron man: Urggggh, depends on comics or movies, because it’s different, but I’m just gonna say BOTH.

27. fantasy or sci-fi: Sci-fi

28. Do you have three or four favorite quotes? if so what are they: I collect quotes and lyrics like some people collect stamps, but I’ll try and stick to 4:

• “Doors are for people with no imagination.” - Skulduggery Pleasant.

• "We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one, eh?” - Doctor Who

•"Which of all my important nothings shall I tell you first?” - Jane Austen

• "Eat shit and live, Bill.” - Sleepaway Camp (yes this one is silly, but it makes me laugh every time)

29. netflix or youtube: Netflix

30. harry potter or percy jackson: Harry Potter, because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it, but I do love Percy Jackson.

31. when you feel accomplished: When someone notices something I’ve been quietly proud of, without me having to point it out. It just reminds me that I’m not doing things for no reason, and it’s nice.

32. star wars or star trek: Ah fuck. Um.... can I say both? I’m gonna say both.

33. paperback or hardback: Paperback, because I travel a lot and hardbacks take up so much room.

34. horror or rom-com: Horror all the way - I am a Hitchcock movie bitch. But I do love a good rom-com, so I guess it really depends on my mood.

35. tv shows or movies: TV shows

36. spotify or pandora: Spotify

37. zootopia or inside out: Inside Out

38. favorite book: Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen.

or, The Book Thief - Marcus Zusak (if I feel like crying my eyes out)

39. favorite flower: Blue Orchids

40. what field of study are you in (or aspire to be in): Writing!

41. song lyric you really love? There are SO MANY, but right now, because I’m writing Set The Dark On Fire, and listening to the playlist I made for it, probably:

“I'm only honest when it rains,

An open book with a torn out page,

And my ink's run out.” - Neptune, Sleeping At Last

42. what’s your MBTI type? INFJ (which is apparently the rarest one, so, like, yay me???)

43. fave movie: I can’t choose just one: Rear Window (1954), Clue (1985), 12 Angry Men (1957), The Princess Bride (1987), Sleepaway Camp (1983), The Way Way Back (2013) and Seven Psychopaths (2012) but there are loads more; I am trying to restrain myself.

44. favorite tv show(s): The 100, Doctor Who (pre-Capaldi), Misfits, Lie To Me, Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, Buffy, Firefly, Community, Brooklyn 99, Black Books, Mighty Boosh, Star Trek (all iterations, I’m a huge nerd, don’t @ me), OUAT, Gilmore Girls, Lucifer, Grimm, Spaced, and many, many more.

45. top three authors: Jane Austen, Agatha Christie, William Shakespeare.

46. favorite season? Autumn, but Winter is a close second.

47. favorite high school musical? The third, followed by one and then two. The music in two is amazing, but the storyline just didn’t do it for me. (it wasn’t brave enough to just LET CHAD AND RYAN BE OPENLY GAY FOR EACH OTHER, DAMMIT!)

48. silver or gold? Silver

49. favorite food? Something with roast potatoes and gravy.

50. dream vacation? Copenhagen, Florence, Amsterdam - just travelling through those places and enjoying the ambiance.

51. last dream you remember? I'm pretty stressed about going to uni in two weeks time, and last night I had what started out as a stress dream where I moved into the uni accommodation, and no-one liked me or wanted me to be there, and I didn’t have a roommate. Then halfway through the dream it took a turn and Diyoza and Murphy showed up as my roommates (oh my god they were roommates), and I was suddenly having the best fucking time ever. I didn’t want it to end.

52. city or country: Country, I think, although close enough to a city that I still have phone signal

53. Slow burn or love at first sight: Slow burn.

54. Night on the town with friends or night in with friends? I would pick a night in - I love snuggling up on the couch with my friends eating junk food and adding running commentary to the movies we watch.

There’s no way I can tag 54 people. No pressure to do this.💕 @fen-ha-fuck-you @clarkgriffon @youleftme-clarke @clarkegriffintitties @jordanjaspermcgreen @ehmori @asroarke @jmbelles @foreverandalwayscrysis @the-best-damn-mechanic @bellamyshope @loveisalwayswise @mamabearsdontthink @whatever-thehellwe-want @bellarkesgodson @grumpybell @rebelkingandhistraitorprincessxx @cloakedtandy @clarkeisalive @bellarkes-hope @the-most-beautiful-broom @bellamy-fucking-blake @hostagetakerandhistraitor @blueshirtbell @nerdybellamy @octannibal-blake @forever-is-made-of-nows @amesandjake @madigriffen @sunnyemori @raven-fucking-reyes and anyone else who wants to join it! (also I’m sorry if you’ve already done this, I’ve only just had time to get to it, just ignore me)

#tag games #i know i'm inundating everyone with them #but i just got back from holiday #and i've been really busy #so i'm tackling them all now #this was fun #i liked it a lot

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gulegardiner · 7 years

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tv shows rec list

a little while ago i said that i will do this, and i also i promised that to an anon, so here you go, i hope it will be useful for anyone!

fantasy: the magicians - i’m not really a fan of fantasy stories, but i started to watch this show since a first episode was aired and still like it a lot. it has interesting characters and its own sense of humor

sci fi: x-files - it’s a classic, but i feel like still so many people haven’t watched this show? tho new seasons brought back this show to life, and i’m even kind of jealous because i discovered this show when i was a little child lmao fringe - i don’t even know how many people watched that show, but it’s truly amazing and holds a special place in my heart black mirror - when i started to watch this show no one really knew about it lmao but i think that so many people still sleep on this show (tho first seasons are the best ones) dirk gently's holistic detective agency - this show is really something else, it’s so chaotic, weird, but really really good. second season is a bit weaker than a first one, but still doctor who - well that’s a classic too. it’s weird to think that there are some people who still haven’t seen this show. so if you are one of them and you like sci fi, go and watch torchwood - spin off of doctor who that i watched before doctor who lmao. and it has one of my otps that broke my heart (actually it was a show runner who did it and i still hate him) legion - when you watch this show feels like you’re on drugs (tho i have never tried drugs, but i’m pretty sure it’s something like that). it’s really wild and different from other shows based on comics drama: rectify - this show is truly in my top 5 tv shows. it’s truly unique and it’s kinda sad that not so many people know about it, but at the same time all unique things are like that, if it makes sense eyewitness - this show based on the norwegian tv series. i love its gloomy mood and lukas and philip will make you weep. it was cancelled after the first season, which is really sad looking - i know that some people don’t really like it, i was the one who liked that show, tho i hated the movie because it’s totally crushed the second season, at least to me skam - well, i’m sure you all heard about this show, but i don’t think that everyone watched it. i was kinda prejudiced towards it at first, because it’s about teenagers and stuff, but this show teached me not to be prejudiced towards anything until i actually see it. really great show for all ages veronica mars - that’s funny because i was prejudiced towards this show too, tho i was younger than i watched it for the first time ahah anyway, this show is good, so if you heard about it but have never watched, give it a try! also logan and veronica is love, like literally their ship name is love ahah white collar - i have a really soft spot for this show and then it ended i cried because i wasn’t ready to let it go. all characters in this show are amazing and interesting. and the bond that have main characters is truly beautiful

comedy/drama: mozart in the jungle - i started to watch this show because of gael garcía bernal, and wasn’t dissapointed, because it’s truly great. it really stands out from other tv series. because of the main theme, because of humour and etc master of none - one more show that also stands out from other tv series. both comedy and drama elements are great, and it’s really well written izombie - i’m not a fan of zombies, but for some reason i started to watch this show anyway and well it’s not something like you used to see in zombie themed movies/shows and i love that. also, creator of this show is rob thomas, the same one that created veronica mars. i didn’t know about this from the start, and then i did, it all came together, no wonder why i loved this show too

comedy: parks and recreation - really great show with such amazing characters!! they all are so different but even despite that you can relate to all of them. i think exactly this makes this show so good. some people say that the first season isn’t great and you need to watch it and then it will be better but i loved everything the office - it’s strange to think that someone haven’t watched this show, but if you are on of those people, just go and watch it the it crowd - that show it kinda weird but in a good way, but exactly because of this not everyone will understand its sense of humour. and if you do, you’ll not gonna regret that you started to watch it black books - another one british show, and i feel like all british shows have a very unique sense of humour, and i’m not gonna lie this is more my thing than american humour the mighty boosh - remember how i said that it crowd is little bit weird? forget about it. this show is wild. like really wild. you will understand it like right away, and i hope some of you will appreciate it brooklyn nine-nine - a great show from creator of parks and recreation and writer of the office. and you can feel that all these shows have something in common. because of great characters and really special atmosphere the good place - also the same creator! do i need to explain about interesting characters and stuff? ahah community - this show also stands out from other ones. don’t think i can explain why it’s good, so just watch it cougar town - i started to watch this show because one of community characters was a fan of it and i didn’t regret. it’s amazing and sweet and kind, and courtney cox’s love for wine is relatable ahah gravity falls - god!!!!! i don’t really watch cartoons, but this show is sooooo amazing, seriously. if you still haven’t watched it, do it scrubs - another one classic, that also has so many interesting characters. this show can be really funny and also really sad and it will make to think about your life

#i feel like this is so random and i can't make such lists bc it sucks lmao #so sorry but i've tried #tv shows #tv series

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autistic-crows · 7 years

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What are some of ur fav songs and why? Some tv shows or movies u enjoy and why u like them?

yo thanks for sending this, prepare yourself for a wild ride of some of my Fave Things, i’m gonna limit myself to five things for each category, i’m so sorry for rambling at you

SONGS:

Tears by The Chameleons -- this is such a beautiful and sad song with lyrics that can apply to so many people’s lives, and it’s major childhood nostalgia for me as well. it makes me cry and i’m not sure exactly why

The Gartland Theory by Ashestoangels -- they’re my fave band and they’re total trash but i actually adore them and this is my favourite song by them cos it’s weird but in a motivational kind of way idek

Grace by Jeff Buckley -- this has been one of my favourite songs since the day i heard it. it’s just kind of perfect and dramatic and jeff is one of my favourite musicians

Song To Say Goodbye by Placebo -- again, a favourite band, and a song that makes me cry sometimes. the lyrics really hit home on this one and there’s this one synth line that’s just like... whoa

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush -- anyone who knows this song or loves kate bush like i do will know that this song needs no explanation

TV SHOWS:

RWBY -- technically a webshow, not a tv show, and the fandom is a toxic mess, but i love this series with my whole heart. i’ve spoken to loads of new people (who i’d like to think are my friends) because of it and idk it’s just so much more than what i expected going into the first season

In The Flesh -- my poor baby of a show. this gem was cancelled after its second season, with only nine episodes in total, but it’s still worth it. my favourite zombie lore of any fiction, and the level of emotional attachment to characters is unreal

Spaced -- somewhat problematic, but i grew up on it so i can’t really care. this show shaped my humour so much and i still reference it all the time in real life, and it actually ends up being really moving as well as fucking hilarious

Doctor Who -- mostly the modern series, and only really seasons 1 through 6, but those six seasons mean so damn much to me. the show has gone majorly downhill since then but i rewatch this all the time and it’s been a really big part of my identity and making friends ever since the modern rendition started

The Mighty Boosh -- um... yeah. perhaps not for the sensitive or anyone who isn’t a fan of “weird” comedy, but this is one of those shows that i get friends to watch because they won’t really understand why i am the way i am otherwise lol

MOVIES:

Antiviral -- definitely not for the faint of heart but this movie has played a big part in my life. i was obsessed with it (to an unhealthy degree) for ages and i still love it. if you want something really bizarre and kind of disturbing then i would recommend it, just make sure you look up the content warnings on IMDB or something beforehand

The Princess Bride -- this never fails to make me feel all warm and fuzzy and make me laugh and all that good stuff. again, childhood nostalgia, but it’s aged brilliantly

Princess Mononoke -- it was hard to choose a ghibli movie but i think this has had the biggest impact on me and i think it’s technically the best (though i must say Howl’s Moving Castle deserves an honourable mention, as well as basically anything from this studio) yeah this shows the tension between the earth and humanity so well and it’s beautiful

Coraline -- horror for kids!! completely awesome and scary but not too scary

Shaun of the Dead -- more zombies and more comedy, in my favourite film of both genres. this never stops being funny

ok i’m so sorry this is such a long answer i just really like talking about music and film/tv oops

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placetobenation · 6 years

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Welcome to Seinfeld: The PTBN Series Rewatch! On a regular basis, JT Rozzero, Aaron George, Andrew Flanagan and Jordan Duncan will watch an episode of TV’s greatest sitcom and provide notes and grades across a number of categories. The goal is to rewatch the entire series chronologically to see what truly worked, what still holds up today, what feels just a bit dated and yada, yada, yada it will be a great time. So settle into your couch with the cushions flipped over, grab a Snapple and enjoy the ride!

Best Character

JT: I thought everyone was really locked in during this episode, but Kramer was really on fire all throughout this one. His quick hit lines, physical comedy and overall presence was just next level. The stock room stuff gets me every time and that was just the tip of the iceberg. He was a true force of nature the whole way through, right down to telling Jerry that he underlined the best parts of the medical book.

Aaron: Kramer in a landslide. His physical stuff was on point and we got the long overdue return of Doctor Victor Van Nostrand. His flippant “The cat died” was wonderful as was his apprehension before electrocuting himself.

Andrew: I’ll go with Kramer, who still gets more laughs out of mannerisms and line readings than anyone. Seeing him abruptly paw through Jerry’s sandwich was the biggest laugh of the episode for me. He’s pretty delightful throughout the rest of the episode, as well, from throwing himself completely into being a butcher-coat-wearing meat slicer operator, to the quick pivot into a lab coat wearing doctor.

Jordan: I thought George was pretty good here, and I am always up for a George scheme and George laziness. HOWEVER – anytime Dr. Van Nostrand appears, I will give it to Kramer. Wanting to slice off Kruger’s mole with his meat slicer and giving Jerry hives all in the last five minutes was like a breakaway dunk to seal a win in the last minute of a game.

Best Storyline

JT: All of it? I mean, it was all so beautifully intertwined, I don’t know how to separate it. I am cheating this time around and I don’t care. All of it.

Aaron: Kramer and Elaine dealing with the absentee neighbor. They blow a circuit, they feed a cat prime cut from a slicer, they break no less than two doors; they really do a tremendous job of mucking up the whole apartment complex.

Andrew: I went back and forth, but I think George’s photo saga was the best storyline. Scheming George is always the best George, and the beach story is a winner, especially once we get Mr. Kruger’s version. And the photo shop clerk’s confidence and pride in his entirely unhelpful work cracks me up.

Jordan: My instinct says to go with the slicer because I liked Kramer so much, but I’ll side with George desperately trying to have the picture photoshopped. The reveal at the end that Kruger and his kids THREW George’s stuff into the ocean was great. What a pear shaped loser!

Ethical Dilemma of the Week

JT: I can’t decide if Jerry is right or wrong about the dermatologist stuff. So I feel the ethical pain here. But, Jerry is a dick so he is probably wrong. Sigh.

Aaron: Does Kruger deserve to die of skin cancer for throwing a man’s towel and clothing in the ocean a decade before? Probably. The sheer pride he felt despite the passage of time painted a picture of a remorseless man on the steady path to doing it again.

Andrew: I don’t know that it’s a dilemma, but I applaud George’s honesty in including the Play Now debacle on his resume. Better to get the bad news out of the way quickly, I think.

Jordan: Is it on Elaine to feed the cat? I mean, yes, she shorted the circuit to turn off the alarm, and apparently the cat feeder, but also, maybe don’t leave the country and rely on a machine to feed your pet. If we are out of town for even 24 hours, we make sure someone comes to check on our dog. I don’t think Elaine had to go to the lengths she did here. Also, cats suck and I wish it had died.

Relationship Scale (Scale 1-10)

JT: Dr. Siterides needs to simmer the fuck down. Good on Jerry for trying to take her down a peg. She can save lives and not be a dick at the same time. Relationship Grade: Pimple Popper/M.D.

Aaron: Jerry was right to break up with that braggart of a Doctor. The second she said “Of course you wouldn’t know what it feels like to hold a life in her hands,” she earned herself a piledriver. Sometimes love feels like a fight. Relationship Grade: CAW CAW CAW!

Andrew: I can’t imagine dating someone who spends as much time praising herself as much as Sara clearly does. The self-involvement and lack of regard for her partner’s interest level is astonishing. Plus, when would we have time to talk about how much I’m enjoying rewatching The Mighty Boosh? Relationship Grade: Looks like hives/10

Jordan: Not much here outside of Dr. Pimple Popper, and I thought that was kind of a weak part of the episode. I do wonder though – is this where Dr. Pimple Popper on Youtube got her name? Am I the only one in this group who watches those videos? What is it about pimple popping and the likes that is so entrancing for me? Also, chiropractic videos. I’m a huge fan of hearing the crunch. But there is this one dude who gives adjustments seemingly only to hot women and they are always in revealing clothing. I know that sex sells, but we just need you to handle the subluxation of the C4 vertebrae pal, we can find boobies somewhere else. Relationship Grade: KEEP IT PG/10

What Worked:

JT: The cold open was cool, well done and felt like something they had to do at some point; Kruger!; The way George gets hired is pretty funny; Kramer destroying Jerry’s sandwich to prove his point always makes me laugh, as does him saying “our meat problems are solved”; I love Kramer’s blank stare when Jerry mentions the stock room; Kramer actually has some good ideas in this episode; “But, where does the meat go” breaks me each and every time; The photo store guy drawing “Peanuts” Kruger back in was a good chuckle; I love the callback of Jerry and George discussing career options, really well done; Elaine taunting Kramer with the thought of clowns was deliciously dirty pool; Kramer asking Jerry if he wore a fake beard stacked with him commenting he couldn’t find the stock room is an amazing 1-2 punch; Elaine dancing was a nice touch; Kramer examining Kruger was tremendous; Kramer not piecing together that he gave Jerry the rash was classic

Aaron: As much as almost everything Kramer did warrants mention here so does the entire George/Kruger fiasco. Daniel von Bargen KILLS it as the hapless boss. “Man we took it on the chin last year, ” was said with a perfect lack of shame, that only the worst company on Earth could exhibit. George scheming to replace the photo is perfect Costanza fodder, which tiptoed the believability line in a near flawless way. The pride the photo guy took in his drawing of Kruger was wonderful as was George’s tolerance of people digging on his hair loss. By the time Their story climaxes with Kramer being mistaken as a Doctor I felt for the first time in a while we were watching the tight Seinfeld scripts of old. I’ll always laugh when Kramer trumpets the fact that he air brushed Gerald Ford out of a photo.

Andrew: The recurring gag of George throwing out potential careers for Jerry to comment on gets a revisit here, and I have to say I don’t think I’ve appreciated “land guy” in the Coast Guard enough over the years. I’ve always enjoyed Mr. Kruger’s apathetic approach to business, and he gets off to a good start in this one. Elaine and Kramer debating the existence of a slice so thin it cannot be seen is a good bit.

Jordan: Big fan of Kruger. George correcting his resume to say 14 days instead of 4 days at Playtime. Kramer buying his own meat slicer and slicing it so thin he couldn’t even see it was wonderful, as was his feeding Elaine slices at the end of the episode. I didn’t care for Jerry and the dermatologist, but her role worked within the story which is something Seinfeld does so well. Of COURSE Jerry is seeing a skin doctor just at the time when George needs to get his bosses shirt off! The airbrushed photo of Kruger was absurd, and the artist was SO PROUD of his work. Jerry mentioning that he wore a beard of bees is an iconic moment in our household. Beards of bees were a long standing gag with my dad and I. Also liked Kramer quizzing Elaine on how the slicer works, “But where does the meat go?”

What Didn’t Work

JT: I hate Dr. Siterides; How does Jerry identify his rash in the book so quickly?; Who likes olive loaf?

Aaron: HATED the cold open with Elaine in bed with all the guys. Dream or not it adds tremendously to the “Elaine is now a whore” narrative that has permeated season nine. Jerry’s storyline was weak in relation to the excellence around him.

Andrew: Where is Elaine’s landlord in all this? It’s frustrating when a whole storyline could be avoided by one phone call, and there’s at least three instances in hers where the maintenance staff should have been the first stop. I’m also not sure I enjoyed the cold open dream sequence. The idea of Elaine growing tired of these three ruining her life is a good one, but it needs more time than one unconnected gag to be worthwhile.

Jordan: I thought the end with Elaine sipping a Pepsi through the keyhole was stupid. Why not call the landlord?

Key Character Debuts

– Mr. Kruger

Iconic Moments, Running Themes & Memorable Quotes

– “It says here that you worked at Play Now for four days?” – Krueger “That should be 14, let me just…” – George

– “It is a horrible company. There’s no management what so ever. I could go hog wild in there.” – George

– “Yeah well, that’s easy. Just let me finish this mile high and I’ll be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser rolls.” – Kramer “I think we might have one left in the stock room.” – Jerry

– “Where did you get that butcher’s coat?” – Jerry “You buy enough meat, they’ll give you anything.” – Kramer

– “Revenge date? That sound like you more than me.” – Jerry “This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving lives? She’s one step away working at the clinique counter!” – George

– “Oh, I’ve cut slices so thin, I couldn’t even see them.” – Kramer “How did you know you cut it?” – Elaine “Well, I guess I just assumed.” – Kramer

– “What about your sea sickness?” – Jerry “Maybe I could be a land guy.” – George “I don’t know if they have land guys.” – Jerry “Someone’s have to unhook the boat before it leaves… the place!” – Jerry

– “Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing a fake beard?” – Kramer

– “Alright, great, because I got to get down there and pick up my blade. Hey, and I couldn’t find that stock room.” – Kramer

– “Moles, yes. Freckle’s ugly cousin.” – Kramer

– “That’s my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest! That’s where the hives are coming from! It’s not from Dr. Sitarides, it’s from Dr. Van Nostrand!” – Jerry

Oddities & Fun Facts

– Actress Marcia Cross played Sara Siterides

Overall Grade (Scale 1-10)

JT: I love this episode. Everything was crisp and on point and it was vintage in its ability to tie together all of the stories into one seamless overarching tale. The core four were tightened up here and sharp but Kramer went next level, slaying every scene he was in. There are so many classic quotes from him, I couldn’t even keep up. The delivery and timing sparkled all through this one. I won’t call it an elite pantheon episode, because it is missing that truly iconic scene or moment to push it over the top, but it is right on the borderline and proof that the gang could still deliver when given a cohesive, locked in script to execute. Final Grade: 9/10

Aaron: I laughed quite a bit during this one. We had three strong stories and the weak barely took away. I now want Kruger in every episode as his ineptitude rarely lets down. It’s fucking hilarious that Kruger stole George’s stuff. Final Grade: 8/10

Andrew: This feels like a “C” grade episode to me. I laughed quite a bit, spent the rest of the time trying to poke holes in the plotlines, and came away pretty entertained overall. It’s easier to find something to say about the episodes that approach one extreme or the other, and I’m surprised to find myself on the lower end of the grading here, but this one felt average to me. Final Grade: 7/10

Jordan: This episode was… PERFECTLY SLICED. See what I did there? I made a reference to the meat slicer. Kramer really was great here, but so was George. I love Kruger a lot and it’s a shame he came along in the last season, I would like to see more of him. Just an excellent episode, and hey, we had that weird Elaine dream where she was in bed with all the guys! Final Grade: 8/10

#IFTTT #Place to Be Nation

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funface2 · 5 years

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Jack Dee’s best jokes and funniest one-liners ahead of his UK tour this autumn – iNews

Veteran comedian and unflinching miseryguts Jack Dee is set to embark on his first stand-up tour for six years.

Famed for his brand of fed-up, bone-dry humour, few comics have shown an ability, or willingness, to fume at the mundanity of modern-day life like the 57-year-old.

Here are some of the funnyman’s most hysterically glum jokes:

“I hate people who think it’s clever to take drugs-like custom officers. Aren’t they a bunch of bastards, all that finger up the arsehole, all day long. They put a uniform on, for a job like that, can you imagine doing that? ‘Just off to work now dear’. ‘Have a nice day day at the orafice’.”

“I read an article that said if you regularly drink two glasses of wine a day, you could be well on your way to becoming an alcoholic. I thought, if I regularly drank two glasses of wine a day I’d be well on my way to being cured of alcoholism.”

“I love to be in Britain, when it’s hot weather. I love it when you get four or five days of hot weather, because then people in Kent run out of water, don’t they? Know what I like to do? I like to ring them up, and play the sound of running water down the phone.”

“I’ve had my run-ins with booze; it’s well documented. So what I can say from experience is that it takes a lot of guts and perseverance and courage to stop drinking. Which is why I haven’t.”

“The other night, this salesman phoned up and started banging on and on about buying car insurance. I’m not interested anyway. I don’t even have car insurance, because I’m a careful driver.”

“I read in my local newspaper, they had this advert, ‘Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather’, and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, do you know, not once has she come round to see if I’m all right. Lazy cow hasn’t even taken her milk in for a fortnight!”

“Try saying: ‘Whale Oil Beef Hooked’ without sounding like an Irish man swearing.”

“One of my friends went on a murder weekend… now he is doing life for it.”

“A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?”

“Has Boris’s rescue puppy resigned yet?”

“My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night-First question was, “What the f**k are you looking at?”

“Wish someone would contact me about all the other crap I’ve been missold.”

“People who are pro-smacking children say, ‘It’s the only language they understand.’ You could apply that to tourists.”

“At this time of year, if your bin men knock on the door and give you a Christmas card, it’s traditional to tear it up and say ‘What did you come here for? The bins are round the back!’

“You’re not helping to save the planet by sending e-cards instead of the real thing because every time I receive one I go out and cut down a tree.”

“Have taken Southern Rail’s advice and carried a bottle of water with me in the hot weather. Thanks for that nugget . I wish they’d take my advice and run their trains on time with enough seats on them for all the poor bastards who’ve bought tickets from them.”

Best letters from Mrs Trellis on Radio 4’s Sorry I haven’t a clue

“Dear Guinness Book of World Records: I have a collection of six Guinness Book of World Records. Is this the Guinness Book of World Records record for Guinness Book of World Records? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis”

“Dear Woman’s Hour: Why waste money on baby-naming books when all the names you need can be found in the telephone directory? Yours, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Any chance of a signed photo for my grandson Dyno-Rod Emergency Hotline Trellis?”

youtube

“Dear Mr. Gadaffi, You must be very proud. It’s not every duck that becomes President. Yours in haste, Mrs. Trellis”

“Dear Mr. Duggleby, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter ‘Y’? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales”

“Dear David Dickinson, I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words: Cheap As Chips. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis. P.S. I can tell by your face that stuff really does do exactly what it says on the tin.”

“Dear Mr. President: What were the chances of someone called Mr. President actually getting that job? Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Love your butter.”

More jokes:

And some hilarious quotes:

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from Funface https://funface.net/funny-quotes/jack-dees-best-jokes-and-funniest-one-liners-ahead-of-his-uk-tour-this-autumn-inews/

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