#the starless hour

[alienside]

hypothetically if you had the possibility to adapt tsh and sky sea into any other type of media what would you adapt them as?? what parts of the story would you focus on in the adaptation and what parts would get left behind (would overall themes change at all? character interactions? worldbuilding and plot? etc etc)?? how would telling the story in a visual medium change them for better or worse?? how would people online horribly misinterpret the story or what do you think theyd say about it?? (this is a longass question answer as much of it as you want LOL)

your MIND okay

mixed feelings on sky sea tbh because i think from a worldbuilding/aesthetic standpoint an animation of some kind would be better BUT a live-action thing would let a lot of dialogue get flattened into significant Looks that are exchanged (which imo works best with live action but CAN be done w animation too). i also think that sky sea could be adapted really well to an episodic style in that their shenanigans could easily be translated to the mini self contained plots with overarching seasonal themes. buuuuut on the other hand u could in theory cut out a lot of the fluff and make the core plot into a standalone movie. i personally think i’d prefer the episodic thing (the character development that could happen here… muah) but hollywood would eat up the standalone movie concept bc of its tendency to flatten characters into What Sells.

i think whether it’s episodic or not an audience would flatten the characters the same? u know. rugged adventurers, snotty princess, Troubled (tm). the difference is that with a series there’s more room for character development so i like to think that there’d be like a portion of the audience devoted to gifsets of parallels and how characters have changed!! with a movie it’d be more about how shippable the characters are.

also because a huge huge huge part of sky sea is. yknow. relationships and old history. a LOT of that tension is portrayed via aderyn and keldan’s internal monologues, which you’d lose in pretty much any screen adaptation but could keep in a comic format. in a screen adaptation the only way to convey that history would be overzealous use of flashbacks (yes i have brainrot but leverage has like. the best use of flashbacks in any show/film ever so i’d probably do that style if anything).

i do kind of think that any adaptation would be more humorous, which tells me that either my book needs to be funnier or something something literature is weightier. idk but i do love the idea of sky sea as a comic book series/webcomic and i think the worldbuilding lends itself well to dramatic “camera” angles so to speak.

tsh HAS to be a live action mini series. like i would simply refuse anything else. there’s enough plot there that trying to cram it all into a movie would be overwhelming and it wouldn’t allow for any downtime or slower moments. the pacing would be so fucked. episodes would let there still be some fluff and softer parts (which are also critical) without sacrificing the plot. it’d be the kind of show with like one season of 8-10 episodes tho; unlike sky sea, tsh has a very definite beginning and end, and it would be a lot more difficult (read: impossible) to pad out with shenanigans the way u could with sky sea.

the live action is an absolute requirement for me. tsh is ultimately a story about humanity (fun fact: originally some of the characters were vampires and fae and the like, bc urban fantasy, but then i realized that the whole 'morality' theme wouldn't hit as hard with monstrous characters aka the ppl the readers expect to have dubious morals anyway), which means seeing real humans do the things the characters do. like idk i love animations but the ‘real’ aspect would get lost in the art style if that makes sense.

as far as worldbuilding goes i would probably simplify the magic system? or at the very least i think it isn't particularly necessary to explain it in a lot of depth. u know. soft magic systems.

also tsh would be the kind of show where ppl would be like "you have to watch it, it's got gay people" "okay what's the plot" "..... there's gay people" BUT there would be a select corner of fandom where everyone is as insane as you and i are. they're writing essays about themes and analysis and symbolism and i love them for it. mwah

idk what else to say even tho im sure i missed stuff so tl;dr (even tho i know you read everything anyway): sky sea would be an ongoing tv series with ideally a game of thrones-style fandom (except imagine if got didn't have the worst series ending in television history) doing the like. gifsets and parallels and in-depth meta analysis. tsh would be a one-season mini-series and most of the fandom would talk about literally anything except the important themes and character development <3

[rudymentari]

PRIDE | Frostpaw PMV/AMV

[smewduck]

frostpaw again :]

[queer-book-character-tournament]

Character, author, and book names under the cut

Zachary Ezra Rawlins- The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern

Alastair Carstairs- The Last Hours by Cassandra Clare

[blackstarmylove]

[libinih28]

"you take what is unbearable and you bear it. that is all"

-- cassandra clare

"i have felt what you are feeling myriad times. it does not get any easier. it simply becomes familiar"

-- erin morgenstern

[ma-39]

your brain on finding a new genre and immediately latching onto it

[glittergoats]

Fuck This World—A Nightheart PMV

(YT link below cut)

[lucky-numberme]

(Image ID: Gerry Keay sits on the edge of a dock in front of a dark lake. The tip of their cigarette and their eyes are glowing. They are a pale-skinned white person with long, poorly dyed black hair and a studded leather jacket. They wear ripped black jeans rolled up to the calf. They recline over the edge of the dock, breathing smoke into the night air. They look at the viewer with an inscrutable expression. On each of their joints is a black eye tattoo with a glowing red center. They are underlit from the water with an eerie pink light and the background is a dark forest in shades of purple. End ID)

[sparrowlovesskittles]

Haha oopsie I drew them again

[alienside]

extremely mecore question so i have no idea if this will make any sense. but. i think i remember you said that tsh is at least partially a roadtrip. can you please talk about how various places in the story influence and relate to the overall themes and narrative etc not in a worldbuilding sense but in a Vibes sense. what does the city theyre from Mean to the various characters and what does leaving it mean and are there any other particularly important places etc etc

VERY youcore question. the best part is i haven’t actually decided where they go on the road trip but i’m giving u themes and vibes anyway

first of all. this is technically worldbuilding but i think urban magic would work slightly different from rural magic. the plot reason for this is so that junhee can see some rural place for the first time and be like “what the fuck is that” and the other two can go “???” and then realize there is something deeply wrong with him

so like. every town/landmark they hit has to be significant to one of the characters even if the rest don’t realize it. one of the towns is going to be where sasha’s parents were killed but delwyn & co. obv don’t realize that when they stop there for the night (they only know that its like irradiated with magic; haha turns out that’s what killed sasha’s parents). the town where sasha & co. catch up to them is the sight of the last family vacation hana and chan went on together. the idea here is that the metaphorical ghosts that motivate them are also made very very real by forcing them to revisit the scene of the crime so to speak. like yes tsh is a story about the future but it’s also about the past. that which haunts us. time is circular. etc etc

on one hand i like the idea of them making it to the west coast. beachside confrontation* and all that. plus it’s got a very final “you can go no further” feeling. on the other hand i also like the idea of them almost-not-quite making it. very sexy in a “falling short of expectations” way. or “trying and failing”, which resonates w tsh’s whole failing to stop the apocalypse thing.

(* just to be clear by confrontation i actually don’t mean sasha and co. that happens earlier in the plot. this climactic deal is the one where delwyn goes supernova and blinds junhee. i’m still undecided what the main threat is actually. i like the idea of a magical governing board that keeps tabs on mages and thinks delwyn is too powerful to allow him to go rogue. but also monsters never fail me. like to be more specific the magic governing board appeals more to my “commentary on human nature” instinct but i don’t think they’d be such a threat to junhee that delwyn would need to cause an apocalypse to stop them. a congregation of ppl who happen to be magic beacons drawing a shit ton of monsters to them, on the other hand… i might do both and give the board a smaller climax-type but i’m literally inventing that as i type this so i haven’t thought of consequences or long-term ramifications for any of this)

btw the journey itself uses chan’s car (delwyn and junhee, being new york boys, do not own cars). i imagine it being a mildly beat-up subaru or smth. chan apologizes for the mess in the backseat and junhee is like “we have bigger problems right now”. also lots of stops in run-down motels, dusty midwest towns, rusty gas stations and laundromats that sorely needed a remodel in like 1980. sort of the americana vibe. probably a quarter of the story? takes place in nyc until chan sees a vision of sorts that makes him think the apocalypse will start in nyc so like. if we just take delwyn out of the city everything will be fine! (spoiler alert it is very much not fine)

(also i think the aesthetic vibe is supposed to be a little bit “the world has already ended/been abandoned.” does that mean it doesn’t matter whether delwyn causes an apocalypse? or are we trapped in a story, where the environment knows already where the narrative intends to go? just a little bit of spice for u and me 🤝)

for both junhee and chan this whole apocalypse thing is also the first time they leave their hometowns (nyc and rural georgia respectively). for chan it’s a little bit self-discovery, a little bit hero’s journey (also significant i think that although delwyn is sort of The Main Guy, chan’s the one undergoing the transformative process of the hero’s journey). for junhee it’s a lot more symbolic of his willingness to follow delwyn anywhere (not to make his character sound like that’s his only personality trait?? if it weren’t for chan tho junhee would probably never leave nyc in his life). but it is also very much a “leave behind everything familiar and comforting” moment that does freak junhee out. part of it is that rural magic Does Stuff that urban magic doesn’t and it makes him very jumpy.

also sasha’s crew is following a weird and disjointed set of clues, courtesy of kei, that doesn’t so much lead them to delwyn as it leads them to places that are of emotional significance to him. (this is also how they manage to end up behind delwyn; tw worlduilding but the first clue leads them to new york, so they hop on a flight and then break into his apartment, but he’s already long gone. from there tho kei and sasha can both use the sort of. increased proximity to delwyn’s energy to track him a little more precisely. the more data points the better, which is why they get closer faster with each new city/town.)

delwyn’s hometown is gonna be pretty close to the west coast/end of their journey, around when delwyn’s coming to the conclusion that he is going to cause the apocalypse for real, that he has that power etc. the entire reason for him hailing from the west is that tsh is very “consequences of your own actions”-based; delwyn’s family still lives there and we’ll meet his parents and younger sister. haven’t decided her age yet but the important part is she is completely innocent. she’s sort of the connection to the real world, and delwyn has to be confronted with the reality of everything he’d be sacrificing, and it has to be fresh on his mind when he does it. he has to admit to himself that he is dooming everyone, has to decide for himself that saving junhee is worth that.

anyway thank you for letting me talk about this flesh this out in words etc. also thanks for being literally just as insane as i am muah <3

[sailingtheimaginarysea]

[Wow, this Silent Scream meme is gettin' pretty popular, huh?]

[sybil-kitsune]

Drawing him with my cat because why not

[flowercrowngods]

god the way i’m obsessed with the quarry rn i only wanna write “deep talk at the quarry” fics because nothing will make your breath quite like an abyss at night that will make the world turn upside down for a few hours but the only monsters are those inside your head, and the only way to defeat them is to talk and breathe and live despite everything

[xveenusx]

Indifference

Paring(s): Rafe Cameron x fem!reader

Summary: Two people who are in love, well he used to be

Authors note: you guys like when I make you cry

Rating: angsty

Warnings: it'll hurt :)

__________________

He was late.

Time was a funny thing. Minutes turned to hours which rolled into days then suddenly months began to blur into years. In that time, people tend to go out and experience things, falling in and out of love, enjoying everything life had to offer.

Yet, I somehow found myself motionless, the spark that once ignited my core had been stifled to a small ember. Life continued to pass by while I remained glued in one place, watching as everyone around me attempted to achieve some form of happiness.

I was once like that. Filled with some much hope for a life with someone I loved, who showed up to support me and believed in my capability, because at one time in my life that was exactly what Rafe was.

Like I said, time was a funny thing. The more time passes with your partner, the more comfortable they seem to get. They stop trying. However, at what point does being comfortable become almost negligent?

Dates were canceled, appointments missed, and important accomplishments forgotten the more time went on. Rafe’s priorities shifted and I went from being the center of his world to being a planet merely circling his gravitational pull.

In his mind, we were forever, so a couple of cancellations here and there and bouts of forgetfulness were nothing in the span of things. I would have agreed had the cancellations not doubled with time or our conversations going from intimate and deep to surface level at best.

He was never home. It was always just me in this large house on figure 8.  Suddenly, he went from being the moon and the stars to just a bleak, unforgivable starless night. Cold and dark.

We had met when we were 16 and he was every bit a spoiled little rich boy that had extreme daddy issues, but there was more to him than that. I picked at his defenses until finally they shattered, and I was engulfed by all of him.

He was just different around me and that fact alone left me delighted. It made me feel special, almost stupidly so.

Things between Rafe and his father were already tense enough since Rafe bought a motorbike with the money he was supposed to spend on the generator. Then everything began to snowball out of control from there. He threw himself into his father’s work and when he wasn’t doing that, he was with Kells and Topper doing god knows what and snorting anything he could find.

Despite all of this, Rafe always kept me close and always let me in. 

Last year, when Ward had gone with Sarah and John B to South America, and didn’t return, something shifted inside him. His defenses were rebuilt, only this time he left me on the outside, and no matter how hard I tried to break him down brick by brick, nothing worked. He became obsessed with running Ward’s real estate empire better than he ever did.

Rafe was a cold and calculated legacy with a large chip on his shoulder that made him lethal against competing firms. He chewed them up and spit them out.

With every major milestone, it was never enough for him, and like a man possessed he continued to ruthlessly target anyone that had done him wrong. We had everything and yet the bitterness seemed to consume him. He was someone I saw once a day if I was lucky. He always left before I woke up and was never home by the time I went to bed and suddenly we were glorified roommates.

Once upon a time, I would stay up waiting for him with my heart in my hand, hoping to connect in any way. Even if I only had a few minutes to spend with him before he went to sleep, it was enough for me. But, 10 pm became 11 pm which turned into 12 am and so I gave up. My sleep schedule was already a mess as thoughts and insecurities pestered my mind of another woman.

“Any word from him yet? Some of the donors are asking for him?” The question pulls me out of my thoughts and I turn to face my assistant, Rai.

Her question is innocent enough, but I can hear the slight concern in her voice and I know she has her doubts which only serves as another humiliating reminder that Rafe has done this to me repeatedly.

But this was different. He knew how important this charity dinner was to the shelter I opened up for women and children who suffered from domestic violence.

As someone who came from the cut, it was everywhere and so many didn’t have the means to flee and so they were forced to stay and in the most severe instances, die.

Rafe gave me the start-up money as a gift and it was a huge success that I opened several more as well as fund for scholarships for both the mothers and kids. Which is what brings me to now, a charity dinner and auction to help fund said scholarships and pay for all the shelter necessities.

He promised he would be here. It’s important for the donors to see him here seeing as though he donated a huge sum once more and could ease the minds of those who are teetering on the edge. It’s also important to me. This project is mine, something I created and shared with the world and I want to share it with him too.

I want him to celebrate this accomplishment with me and he is nowhere to be found.

“He’ll be here. Rafe promised.” I clear my throat, “He knows how important this is to me.”

Rai gave me a doubtful look and I know that I couldn’t convince her anymore than I could convince myself. The engagement ring that bore my finger instantly weighed a ton.

Glancing down at the large diamond that once meant the promise of everything, stared back at me as nothing more than a simple accessory.

Rafe had proposed and foolishly I believed that it would save us so I said yes.

I stayed and time and time again, the disappointment slowly began to etch away at the childish hope I tried to cling onto until only a dull ache remained.

“Don’t you look lovely?” Plastering a fake smile onto my face, I let out a sheepish laugh as I take in Kiara’s parents. 

“Thank you guys so much for coming.” The words ring true but I couldn’t help but feel like I was underwater. My focus is shot and I find myself hardly listening with my eyes darting to the front door every minute or so, desperate to see the man I used to think would never stop loving me. 

I float around the room, committed to being a gracious host, because I would not let him take this from me too. Not when he’s taken everything else already. This is the only piece left of me. 

My cheeks hurt two hours later from all the fake smiles and my throat burns from the feigned laughing. The sound of my own voice makes me wince. 

In those two hours, I felt my confidence slowly get chipped piece by piece as everyone questioned where my fiancé was. And for a moment, I hated him. I truly hated him because even this small piece of heaven I made for myself is tied into him. 

Honey, I need to run some numbers with Rafe. Where is he hiding? 

Where is the biggest investor? Surely, he’s here, right?

I haven't seen Mr. Cameron. Has he stepped out? 

With which I responded,” Work emergency, you know how it is. He’s nothing if not committed.” Considering most of these possible donors run their own large companies, they completely understand but it’s their partners reactions that seem to leave me stunned. 

Each had a warm look of understanding dancing in their eyes as I’m sure they’ve used the same excuse time and time again.

I can only take so much. So I excuse myself and glance at the small gold heart shaped watch on my delicate wrist and take note of the time.

There was only 30 minutes left and I haven't gotten so much as a text from him. 

A pit began to form where my stomach used to be as I realized once more that he wasn’t coming. As I stood in a packed room, filled with a flurry of activity, surrounded by people, I’ve never felt more alone.

Then my eyes connect with Mrs. Dune, the wife of a finance guru that works alongside Rafe. She was much older than I, having been with her husband for 30 years but she looked even older. 

It’s almost as though she can read my thoughts, because she sends me a sad smile as she lets her eyes go to where her husband stands talking to other donors. I haven't seen him talk to her the whole night, instead she’s been standing at his side saying nothing. 

I take an uneven breath and my eyes widen in realization. Was this what I had to look forward to? A life sentence of loneliness vacant of any warmth and attention? 

Swallowing hard, I force my eyes away and stare at the door. Begging whoever will listen to please, this once, let me be wrong. I’m so in my thoughts that I’m startled when a soft hand lands on my arm.

“You get used to it. Eventually, you’ll feel nothing.” Mrs. Dune says quietly, her eyes moving back to her husband, with a look I can only describe as longing. 

That’s the thing. I don't want to get used to it. This isn’t how I want to be loved.

“What you’ve accomplished is amazing. Don’t let him take that away from you.” Was her parting words and she left, not sparing her husband another glance. 

When I turn to see if he noticed she left, he’s still engaged in conversations and doesn’t spare her a glance. 

This is not how I want to be loved. 

“Hey, I’ve been looking for you. This is Amy Park.” Rai looks ecstatic as she introduces me to the stunning tall woman next to her. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Park.” The words come out on instinct.

“I wanted to discuss how open you would be to expanding shelters nationwide?”

And for the first time in awhile, a real smile graces my face as I answer her question. 

_____________________

The first thing I notice when I pull into our driveway is the plethora of cars that fill it. The second thing I pick up on is familiar vibrations of music with each step I take along our pathway. 

My front door is wide open as people come in and out, clearly under the influence of something and my chest constricts. 

This is what he’s been doing? This was more important than me? 

Clutching my keys tightly, I welcome the familiar biting against my skin. I recognize many of the faces, most of them having gone to school with Rafe. 

If it was any other night, I would have joined them. We were only 22 and yet have lived what seems to be a hundred lives. But, this is different. He’s different. 

Climbing up the staircase, I head to the balcony where I hear a familiar boast of laughter. 

I cleared my throat. “What’s so funny?”

Heads snap in my direction but my eyes are only on one. One that currently has a short black haired girl nearly in his lap. I recognize her as a bartender at one of the local grills/bars we frequent. 

“Don’t you look gorgeous-“ Topper attempts to run interference, but it’s too late. I raise my hand to silence him. I’ve already seen everything I needed too. 

His body is positioned slightly in front of them as if I was going to body slam them. I might actually. 

“Hey, wait! How did the donor dinner go?” Topper's eyes dart to Rafe’s. “That was tonight right?”

I see the moment everything clicks. His eyes rake down from my newly styled hair to the louboutins in my feet. Everything I wore from the jewelry on my body to the shoes on my feet he bought me, and I’ve never felt more sick.

Rafe clenches his eyes shut as he shakes his head. “Fuck.”

Fuck, indeed.

“Get out of my way, Topper.”

He throws a worried glance to Rafe. “I think maybe-“

“Top, give us a second.” Rafe mutters tensely. He keeps his hard set gaze on me, drilling into me, almost as though he’s daring me to move. 

Kelce stands up giving me an apologetic look. “Rafe, man, there’s a bunch of people here.”

I force myself to look away. 

“Not right now, Kells.” 

He wasn’t wrong. This house was full of people, but the only difference being that none of them matter. Not to me and not to Rafe. 

Steady. Keep steady and just breathe. 

“So what should I do-“

I look at him. Me or them? It was unsaid but he knew what I was asking him. 

“Back the fuck off and give me a fucking second with my girl.” Rafe barks out, running a rough hand through the short cropped strands that brush against his forehead. 

Both hold their hands up in mock surrender before shuffling off to the side. The girl doesn’t get up. 

Topper coughs. “Sophia.” 

Her eyes take me in with clear distaste. Her hand is still dangerously close to Rafe’s waistband. I raise a single eyebrow giving her one last opportunity to move. 

She doesn’t. Not when Kelce calls out for her either.

Sophia made her bed. Setting my bag down, I take three big steps before I’m roughly shoving her off the couch sending her sprawling on the floor. 

Rafe let’s out a curse but makes no move to help her. At least he’s not stupid.

“Get out.” The words leave no room for negotiation.

The glare she sends me is filled with ice. “I was invited.”

Kelce lets out a groan before whispering,”Is she serious?”

The fake smile I’ve perfected over the years decorated my face as I bent down to her height on the floor. 

Flashing my engagement ring in her face. “Get out of my fucking house.”

That seems to shut her up and I watch with narrowed eyes as she struts away, Topper and Kelce in tow.

I can hear my heart pounding in my ears while my chest feels like it’s going to explode. I turn around slowly to face my damnation. 

My heels click against the marble floor and with each step I take, the more the ache in my chest grows. Marching up to Rafe, I grab his chin and force him to look at me. Those familiar glacial blue eyes are red. His pupils are blown wide and my chest cracks wide open. 

He’s high. 

This is not how I want to be loved. 

This is what he wanted to do instead of being there for me. Instead of supporting me. Instead of loving me. 

Dying would be less painful.

 I stare directly into those eyes, searching for an answer, wondering when the love he felt for me slowly became indifference.

I’d almost rather there be a mistress rather than this cold indifference.

“Did you have fun at least?” My words are soft but the intention is anything but. 

He says nothing. Instead Rafe studies me like I’m a wounded animal. 

Dark. Beautiful. Cruel. 

Those are the words I’d use to describe the man in front of me. The gaze that once felt like a soft caress on my skin now felt clinical. 

“It seems like you’re having fun.” I quip, flicking the small bag filled with familiar white powder. 

I thought I could fix him. I will not make that mistake again.

“I completely forgot-“

“How?” I ask. 

His eyes narrow like he’s trying to figure me out. “Work got insanely busy. You know how it is. Even if I own the place, I’m young and the older guys don’t respect me.”

“It was in your work calendar.” 

“No, it wasn’t-“

“It was also on your personal calendar and our joint one. I had your assistant send you a reminder email. So my question is how?” My voice wobbled and it was only by a small miracle that I didn’t throw something in his face. “How did you forget the only thing I’ve asked you for?” 

Something flickered in his eyes. “It wasn’t intentional. It slipped my mind.”

“Something I worked so hard to accomplish just slipped your mind?” Exhaustion has finally got the better of me and I finally let him see just how much he’s managed to chip away. 

“I should have been there for you and I’m so sorry,” His throat flexed a hard swallow. “But there will be other dinners.” 

The dull ache in my chest thrummed harder. Rafe was brushing this off, just like he always did. My skin flushed. 

At my silence, he braces his elbows on his knees and leans forward, tracking my every move. “I feel like you’re not understanding me.”

“No, I understand you just fine. It just wasn’t important enough for you.”

He stilled. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

Of course it wasn’t what he meant but he’s managed to make me feel so insignificant. So small. 

“I know that you’ve canceled most of our dates for work. Even an anniversary once. I know that you missed the grand opening of the shelter that I spent a year and half planning.” I force the words out, each breath I take feeling like needles. “I asked for this one thing, Rafe and you couldn’t even give me that.” 

“What about everything I have given you? This house, the car you drive in, the clothes on your back, the boat?”

It’s like I’m staring at 16 year old Rafe again. To him, material things were the equivalent to love. He couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I find that I was much happier when I had little to nothing, than I am now, sitting here with everything, in my gown and jewels. 

“I didn't ask for any of those things.” By the stubborn gleam in his eyes, I knew he was going to fight me on everything. 

Lately, his tactic was always combative and it was easier to give in or to not say anything at all. 

 “No, but you took them all the same. I fucked up, I get that. I know what this shelter means to you, but that doesn’t change the fact that you wouldn’t even have it if it weren’t for me.”

A familiar buzzing filled my ears. His words were ugly but they weren’t a lie. Even my project was his. I had nothing of my own.

I wonder how many other people came to the same revelation. Maybe that’s why so many of them asked where he was? Because this accomplishment wasn’t mine, no clearly it was his.

There is not enough room in my chest for the ache he caused. 

Words can’t seem to make it to my lips. I think my brain has finally broken and realizes that no words I say will get him to change. 

Smoothing out my dress, I stand on shaky legs before kicking off my heels. He can keep them. With that, I leave him out on the porch and make a beeline towards our his room. 

Opening the closet doors, I reach for the suitcase before setting it on the bed. I wasn’t going to be like Mrs. Dune and waste away beside a man that used to love me, hoping that one day he will once more. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” The words are hard and low. 

Rafe stands at the door, his arms crossed over his chest. His face is brewing with several emotions I can't quite place. 

It was funny. I haven't seen this much emotion from him in months.

I ignore him and toss some clothes from my dresser into the open suitcase, making sure to grab only the clothes I needed.

I slowly take off each piece of jewelry and set it on my vanity. He can keep everything he so gloriously mentioned he bought. 

“You loved me once.” I state, tilting my head to the side. I rake over every detail of his face, knowing I’ll never forget it. 

I loved him once too. 

His face morphed to one of confusion before disbelief. “I still love you. That’s never changed.” 

I shake my head. “Yes, it has.”

Rafe stalks towards me, his hand reaching to burl around my neck while the other pulls me to him by my waist. Familiar cologne fills my lungs and I count to ten mentally. It was the same cologne I bought him when we first started dating. 

“I work too much, I know. That’s my fault and I’ll cut back. I’ll be home more and we can spend time together. I’ll do better.” Taking my chin between two fingers, he forces my eyes to his. I see the sincerity in his eyes but I know how this goes. 

The same way it’s gone the last two times. He’ll beg me to stay, promise to change, and things will be good for a month before he slowly starts missing dates or canceling trips we’ve planned months before. Then the cycle repeats. 

“No.” It was time to love myself. Since he clearly couldn’t do it. I will not allow myself to get lost in him again. 

“Baby, just wait. Will you wait-“ He huffs as I try to move around him. No such success as his towering body has me moving back and suddenly I’m caged in by his arms. “Just give me a second, okay?”

“I’ve given you years. I won’t give you another second.” 

“Talk to me.” His voice breaks. “Please just talk to me.”

Longing filled my body. Words I’ve been waiting to hear for months come so easily to him, but only when I already have one foot out the door.

 “I’m alone.” The words come out strangled. “ I’m alone in this. I have been for a long time.”

“What do you mean? Baby, I’m right here.�� Rafe’s gripping onto me tighter, almost like he’s ensuring I don’t leave. “I’m right here.”

“You're never here. That’s exactly my point.” 

Rafe’s eyes widen before he shakes his head wildly, staring at me like I’m speaking another language. “That’s not true-“

“What’s today?”

“What?” 

“What’s today?” I repeat, my eyes never leaving his. I want to see every emotion that storms in his eyes, just to remind myself that he is capable of emotion after all. 

“Friday.” 

I smile at him sadly. Exactly my point. “I haven't seen you since Tuesday.” 

“No, that can’t be right. I was with you when we had lunch with-“ He breaks off, reaching for his phone in his pocket. I watch as he pulls up his calendar, an action that mortifies me, and confirms our scheduled date.

 “Tuesday.” He whispers, shocked even. 

I wasn’t. Rafe had to check his calendar to confirm that last time he’s seen his fiancé. 

“You used to come bring me lunch. If you were more than a couple hours, you always found your way to me or gave me a call that you’ll be late.” I shrugged, blinking back the tears stinging my eyes. “Now, I don’t think I’d get a call if you were in the hospital.”

The buzzing in my ears intensifies.

 “You didn’t tell me any of this. None of how you were feeling and you're ready to walk out the door without so much as an argument.” A spark of my old Rafe appears as frustration dances across his face.

“I should have-“

“You’re giving up.” He states, shaking his head in anger. 

Maybe I was. “I’m tired of fighting for us. You gave up a long time ago.” 

Large hands curl around my cheeks, pulling me towards his face. Rafe rests his forehead on mine, his piercing blue eyes darting across my face in panic. 

“I love you. I love you.” He knows he’s grasping at straws, but we feel like strangers now. The words don’t feel like they used to. “You know I love you.”

 “This isn’t how I want to be loved, Rafe. I see you every couple days, the only time we’re ever together is when we have sex.” We lost sight of how we once were. The only thing that remained good between us was sex. 

That alone isn’t healthy. He goes to open his mouth but I cut him off.

“We never talk and when we do, you don’t even listen to me. Your brain is always somewhere else.” 

“I’m in a relationship with a ghost. I’m not letting you suck the life out of me anymore.” My eyes catch the sparkling ring that once brought me such happiness. Now, it simply feels like a ball and chain. 

Before I can convince myself otherwise, I start to tug it off my finger when Rafe truly begins to panic. 

“Don’t do that. Please don’t do that.” I try to hand it to him but Rafe jolts back like he’s been burned. The look he gives my empty hand is nothing short of destroyed.

I think I’m going to throw up. His words are laced with raw grief that makes it hard for me to breathe.

“Put it back on.” I hear the slight tremble in his voice.

“No.” My lips wobble. 

“Please put it back on because if you don’t that means we’re over. That’s not us. We aren’t supposed to end.”

“Rafe, don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

“You’re ripping my fucking heart out of my chest. This isn’t anywhere near hard, it’s excruciating.” Rafe’s hand is notably shaking, but he tries to hide it by clenching and unclenching his palms. 

“Welcome to the last year of my life.” The words are brutal but he needs to hear them. 

“You promised me we’d never end.” 

“You promised to change. I guess we both lied.”

Rafe raises his voice, his arms thrown up in the air in clear distress, “How can you just stand there?”

It was a miracle I haven’t collapsed on my shaky legs yet. The adrenaline pumping though my veins was the only thing getting me through this torture. “Rafe, stop it.”

“You talk about indifference?” Rafe lets out a humorless laugh, shaking his head up at the ceiling. “Who’s heartless now, baby?”

“You don’t get to put this on me. I’ve given you years of my life, showered you with nothing but love and support. I asked for one night, one fucking night, in your busy schedule and you didn’t bother to show up, or send a simple text.” I intake a sharp breath, pushing the hair out of my face with a shaky hand. “Instead, you threw a party in our home and got high.”

I point a finger at his chest, staring at him with open heartbreak. “I needed you,” The tightness in my chest finally pops as I choke on a loud sob, “I needed you and you weren’t there.”

“I lost sight of what’s important to me. I’m just trying to give you everything-” I cut him off. 

Grabbing the clothes I haphazardly tossed in the suitcase, ”You want this? Take it,” I shove them into his chest, “Take all of it. I don’t want it. I’d give this all away in a heartbeat if it meant I could have you back.”

I meant every word. I wanted my best friend back, the person I confided in and depended on. I wanted our late nights back watching trashy reality TV. We used to sit in the bathtub together basking in each other's company. Went on walks along the beach or took the boat out for hours, fucking on the deck, not caring that anyone could see. 

It used to be simple. He loved me and I loved him. 

“I’m angry, baby.I’m so damn angry all the time. At my fucking dad for always having these impossible expections. Then he goes and dies, leaving me without a clue on how to manage everything.” Rafe sags against the wall, exhaustion marring his features, his blue eyes pleading for me to understand. “I feel like I’m drowning all the time.”

I had no idea this was how he was feeling. But, he never let me in. “You could have told me, we’re supposed to be partners in this. You asked me to marry you!”

I think deep down I know that he felt me slipping through his fingers at one point. He could see clearly how unhappy I’ve become and that’s why he proposed. And maybe just like him, I thought the proposal could fix us. This proposal was being manipulated on both ends, it was doomed from the start.

You can’t fix what’s already broken. 

“My head has basically been a war zone and I’m losing. The only thing keeping me sane is that I know, when I walk through that door,” he points to our bedroom door, “I’m going to find you in our bed. Every. Single. Night.” 

“I can’t let the ugly touch you.” My heart splits into two at his words. Words I know feel like acid leaving his mouth. “You’re the only thing I have left.”

“Then you should have taken better care of me. You should have let me take care of you.” 

“Fuck,” He screams, bending down and swiping the lamp clean of the nightstand. The lamp goes flying into the wall, shattering into hundreds of pieces and my eyes are drawn to them. I can’t help but think it reminds me of us.

Dragging my eyes back to his, I fight the urge to wrap him in my arms. Seeing him in pain has never brought me joy, but this was brutal. His eyes shined with unmistakable tears, realizing the strength of my resolve. 

There was no going back this time. There was no trying again. I didn’t have another try in me. 

I grip onto the fabric of my dress moving towards him, my heart pounding out of my chest. He moves instantly, holding out his hand to guide me over the shattered lamp. Why couldn’t he be like this months ago?

Why did he let it get this bad? Why couldn’t he love me?

Now, standing in front of him, I let myself one deep breath, basking in the comforting smell of him. A large hand curls around my neck, his grip strong and firm, demanding my attention. His blue eyes are daunting and so intense, I find myself fighting the urge to look away.

“I’m going to get you back.”

”Take it, Rafe.” I whisper, uncurling his limp hand, “Take it. It doesn’t mean what I want it to.”

Tears blur my vision as I fumble with the ring he refuses to take.

 Rafe shakes his head, clenching his jaw tightly. “There’s no point in taking it off if it’s gonna go right back there in a couple weeks. ”

I can’t help but smile at the determination in his voice. He sounds like the old Rafe and for a second I see a glimmer of who he used to be.

 He had me. Then he lost me. 

This is not how I want to be loved. 

“If spending the next few months without you means that I get to spend a lifetime with you, I can manage. I’ll do whatever I have to.  But don’t think for a second that there is anyone else on this entire fucking planet meant for you.”

That’s how I want to be loved. Too little too late.

I drop the ring.