#the virtual singers will reflect the bad ones too. it's more likely to come from miku rin and len since they're all the youngest but like

[mymarifae]

this interaction is killing me. thank you len for bringing up bad memories and making toya sad for no fucking reason like literally this was so unprompted. we love an insensitive 12 year old

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

EVANESCENCE's AMY LEE On 'The Bitter Truth' 'I Want People To Come Away From This Album Feeling Hope And Empowerment And Strength'

EVANESCENCE will release a new album, "The Bitter Truth", on March 26 via BMG. The band's first collection of original music in ten years can be pre-ordered as a digital version, CD, vinyl and a limited-edition deluxe fan box set featuring a bonus CD, journal, poster and special cassette of exclusive audio from the making of "The Bitter Truth". Every pre-order will automatically come with downloads of already-released songs "Wasted On You", "The Game Is Over", "Use My Voice" and "Yeah Right".

In the official biography accompanying press copies of the new album, EVANESCENCE singer Amy Lee stated: "When we first set out to make our new album, 'The Bitter Truth', we had no idea of the pain and hardship that the world would soon face. While the planet suffered through the tragedies of COVID, racial injustice and economic upheaval, my band and I were dealing with the aftermath of our own losses, the unexpected passing of my brother, the sudden loss of a child by Tim's [McCord, bass] family, and the virtual loss of our guitarist, Jen [Majura], who has been literally stuck in Germany, unable to travel to record with us in person in the studio.

"Somehow through all these challenges, a theme began to emerge for us as a band. Pushing through is better than giving up.

"After touring extensively on our orchestral album 'Synthesis', we knew we wanted to make new music. In between shows throughout 2019, we set aside time to create together. A few days at my house, a week in the woods, just making use of our time together and getting excited about the seeds that were starting to grow. By the end of that year, we had the foundations of several new songs and the beginnings of many more. After recording four songs with our old friend and producer Nick Raskulinecz in his Nashville studio early last year, we knew we wanted to make the entire thing together. The energy and creativity was electric. Then, all of a sudden, COVID stopped everything. The pandemic turned the world upside down, forcing the album to be done sporadically, and at times separately, throughout 2020. We had to think creatively about how to do pretty much everything from that point on. Almost like it was the first time. There was never question, though, of not continuing.

"We had something special in that room when we recorded those first four songs and they carried us through last year. It was a big leap of faith to just go for it with the album and not wait or hold back or have any certainty about when we'd be together again, but we just knew we wanted to release our music and connect with our fans. We needed that connection, perhaps even more than our fans needed us. We wanted to be something in the world that wasn't a disappointment amid so much other bad news. We wanted to be part of the proof that life would go on.

"I never want us to repeat ourselves and I like to allow total freedom in the creative process, so we started experimenting with whatever felt good, taking it at times to a new level entirely, just everything coming from a real, honest place out of the love of music — nothing off limits. But all those rock shows we had been playing over the past few years really strengthened the roots of the band, and that sound and energy was cathartic. I'm who I've always been. Once again faced with darkness, I'm writing to heal. So here we are, naturally, making a brand new fiery chapter of the story we all love. This beautiful truth has been reconfirmed for me — it wasn't just a phase the first time around, and I wasn't wasting my time. These sounds come out of my heart when I'm being honest and I'm making music that feels like a reflection of myself. I'm proud and grateful to still have my band after all we've been through and all I've been through. As much as this album is an evolution, it also feels very full circle.

"The title, 'The Bitter Truth', speaks on one level to the world we live in today, in the belief that we must face reality, no matter how ugly or difficult that is, in order to move forward. But there is also an internal parallel: there can be no healing without first facing the pain. The bitter truth, for me, is that life is short and the choice is that I'm not going to waste it. Our mortality is fresh in our minds. This became fuel for our fire after the pandemic, the lockdown, through 2020 and making this album. We decided we weren't going to let anything stop us. We weren't going to wait around for the world to fix itself. We were going to put all our focus into finishing the album we started. Find new ways to keep on, make our own videos, whatever it took. This time has been hard, but having the music has been an incredible life-giving outlet for me and for all of us in the band. It was a place to pour our frustrations, our rage, our grief and our love to create a world we had some control over.

"Now for some typical bio stuff: They tell me that our first album, 'Fallen', is one of the Top 5 best-selling albums of the 21st century, and the biggest seller by both a band overall, and a rock act overall, if you're keeping score. We've won two Grammys and earned one of the largest social media followings of any music act (thanks, guys!) Someone wrote that our single 'Bring Me to Life' has been a 'pop culture touchstone' for the past two decades. It's still totally weird to me when it comes on over the speakers at the grocery store. These achievements and words of praise are nice but what's more important to me is that our music continues to inspire people to create things. Writers have written books inspired by our songs, fans have created their own anime. Films, music, visual art, even vehicle design. I know what this means because of the artists that have inspired me too. What I'm most touched by is what has grown into an immensely powerful, passionate worldwide fanbase who have a genuine connection with the music — a sacred place where we come together. 'The Bitter Truth' is meant as a gift to you, reflecting hope out of the struggles we all face.

"I want people to come away from this album feeling hope and empowerment and strength. Something that inspires me a lot in life is people who have overcome great obstacles — survivors. I hope we can pass on the idea that even when things are impossibly painful life is worth living. Leaning into those darkest, most challenging moments, facing them and finding we're not alone in them, makes us real. Makes us strong enough to take them on. And it brings us together, if we let it, in a deeper appreciation of the light... and the truth. Thanks for the memories. Now let's go make some new ones."

[manjuhitorie]

Interview with Shinoda - Guitar Magazine March 2021 - English Translation

I began to wonder "What have I been deeming as ‘good’ all along?"

-Thank you for coming all the way out here. To kick it off I’d like to ask what the story behind the title ‘REAMP’ is.

AMP is like the recording mechanism, correct. I recorded by re-amping a lot this album, after it was recommended to me by our engineer. I recreated most of the sound in an amp simulator, sampled it at home on a line-in, then brought that in to the studio. There I sent the line-in signal to the guitar amps, recorded the sound coming from the amp, and voila. This way the guitar playing and the sound engineering become two separate things. At home I focus on the recording, at the studio I focus on the mixing.

-That’s a great way to localize your focus.

Though my workload multiplies (laughs).

-Ultimately you’re spending even more time focusing (laughs).

Yep (laughs). To put a long story short, we dipped our feet into new techniques for this album. So when it came down to deciding the title, 'Restart' or 'Reload' or any words with the prefix 'RE' were among consideration, but we couldn't find a good one. When at last I remembered that I had re-amped (laugh). I proposed the idea, it clicked with everyone, and now here we are.

-A bit of a double meaning to it then. What felt the most different this time in regards to the new techniques?

Back when wowaka was with us, he was the ultimate judge over whether a take or sound was good or bad. But now I have to be the judge and the one who takes the rudder myself... The main difference is that I need to become the axis now. When I was alone at home it hit me just how little I had a sense of good and bad (laughs). I began to wonder "What have I been deeming as ‘good’ all along?”.

-I see. What do you find difficult about singing and playing Hitorie’s music?

I found that I don’t have much leadership (laughs). I’m more fit for the sidelines and such... I’ve had a long career of being the lead guitarist, wherein there’s always been another leader figure above me who’s actions I’ve responded to and taken my own approach to.... A correspondent presence in a way....

—Then the necessity for a number one in command popped up.

Yep. It was like, I was really in a pinch back there. If I was to get anywhere, before anything I needed to establish my own standards of good and bad. I looked back at the music I’ve loved throughout my life, and started from there.

-Were you able to establish your own judgment through this album then?

I did what I could do. But, I’m still missing something... I don’t think it’s something you can find through just one album. I still haven’t, and there’s parts of the album that I still feel my optimization was lacking. I feel that I want to make a more polished, less rugged around the edges, piece. I’ve only established the groundwork for now. Such as what makes good music, the rhythm, pitch and so on. The basics.

-What makes good music ‘good’ to you, Shinoda?

Hmm... Phrase before sound... I think there needs to be a phrase before anything. To put it simply, the music needs to be what’s encouraging the phrases. Whatever achieves that the most effectively tends to be what I deem as good music. There’s a bunch of options when it comes to even strumming one chord. To use a single coil, a humbucker, a P-10.... Not to mention that strumming different will change how a chord resonates. Each note has its own goodness scale as well. Contemplating all that is what makes music.

-When I look at your music itself, I can see how this came into play as well. The phrases themselves have become less complex, while the riffs have become even more powerful. Especially ‘curved edge’, a killer tune even among the rest.

My bandmates and I each pitched in to write the music for REAMP, I wrote 10 while they wrote 1 each initially, basically I had to write a lot (laughs). And the last and final piece I wrote was ‘curved edge’.

-I see.

We intentionally lessened the riff-tastic music, we were eschewing following the old ‘Hitorie formula’. I made more chilled out downers. But the more I did it, the less interested I noticed my bandmates become (laughs). It didn’t click with me myself either, and it didn’t bring us together much. I thought I was doomed to never write a song that would properly fit Hitorie.. When I got the idea to write a song that mixed intense riffs and modern beats, ‘That I might be able to do’.

-In a way you wrote that song at wit’s end.

From there I drew inspiration from K-Pop. Stuff like Blackpink. Wherein you can’t discern if the climax of the song lies in the hook or the riff. I found that interesting, thus can the climax of ‘curved edge’ be found in the riff. Enough that the hook is the riff itself. When I told the members, their reaction was positive as well.

-It fits the modern Hitorie. In a previous interview Yumao (drummer), when looking back on Hitorie’s history, had mentioned that Hitorie could write music without a peep, after so many years together. Following this change to your writing formula, is that feat still possible, have your exchanges with your bandmates changed as well?

-When it comes to my written pieces, well... It depends on the song. For ‘curved edge’, ygarshy and I didn’t share a word. While we were making the demo song, I asked him to ‘Just play bass that works with this’, and with that little information he actually pulled off something incredible. I was like ‘Holy shit’ (laughs).

-The first verse alone is a stroke of talent (laughs). How about the drums?

The beat is unlike anything Yumao had played for Hitorie before. 4/4 beats were always our go-to, but we tried to venture a little into unknown territory. So I handled the  director job quite a bit, the drums may be the aspect I directed the most actually. It turns out that my concept of beat is completely different from wowaka’s.

-What do you mean exactly?

-I’m probably not... as much as wowaka.. No wait. I can’t say this for sure but, he was someone who was creative with his beats, so he tended to conjure up ones that would be virtually unplayable in context. I make up beats that are out of control sometimes too but. I stick to the rules, or, how to put it... Even when I make up a brand new beat, the voice in the back of my head will tell me ‘Wait, there’s rules’.

-I see. So wowaka wouldn’t bother with the rules much.

I haven’t put much deep thought into wowaka’s perception of beats until now though, this is only a quick assessment from my experiences. Though near the end, it seemed like his mindset changed to ‘It’s better if I let Yumao play however he desires’. Imyself haven’t reached that level yet.

“I need my love for guitar to grow even more, I say.“

-Allow me to ask you about the guitar solos. In the songs ‘Marshall A’ and ‘dirty’ are the solos in abundance and in the spotlight. What do you deem as good and bad in terms of guitar solos?

For me there’s only two types of guitar solos. You either play well, or you don’t (laughs).

-That’s a strict guideline (laughs). How do discern between the two?

It ultimately depends on the song. I like solos that are played “poorly”, such as by Momo Kazuhiro of MO’SOME TONEBENDER. I think their’s are awesome. When each and every note of a solo is poignant, it actually brings out the charm of electric guitar. So I think that solos can be wonky as hell, or precise as hell. Or in the middle is okay too. I like solos that are catchy with proper phrases to them even. Like HI-STANDARD’s ‘Fighting Fists, Angry Soul’, the solo could be a song on its own. It depends on what fits with the song. In regards to the solos of Marshall A, they fall into......

-The ‘Played well and proper’ solos.

That’s it. The song kicks off with unsteady distorted notes, but the solos are clean, it’s gap moe.

-The tone is clean as well. Did you intend for it to be gap moe?

To a degree. Like, 'is this really that kinda song' (laughs). On the other hand, when it came to 'dirty' the song has always been nothing but alternative rock style since the get-go.

-The solos are full of grunge and fuzz after all. ygarshy wrote that song, correct.

'Cause ygarshy and I are the same age from the same generation, our ideas match up as well.... For this song, it was like the Nishikawa Susumu idea- (laughs).

-I see (laughs). Back to what you said earlier, that your "optimization was lacking". How would you like to evolve as a guitarist?

I don't think I'm Hitorie's guitarist anymore. In the current world I'm in I'm not just a guitarist, I'm a singer-song writer, and that's become my primary focus. Yet despite that guitar is still absolutely a must for me. It brings the physical world and the world of music together better than anything. Thinking about it, my approach towards guitar is probably going to evolve after this as well. Up until I've played as Hitorie's guitarist, adding and adding to the sum of Hitorie's parts  (laughs). My attention was always on how to optimize to hell. Going forward my attention is probably going to shift when I play guitar. But that doesn't change the fact that guitar is essential for bands in general, and essential for Hitorie as well..... Aghh, I never thought about what it means to be a guitarist to me up until now (laughs).

-(Laughs).

I think my ideal guitarist self is still far away though. But I've grown a lot by being with my bandmates, and I can't be losing my eagerness to learn. I need my love for guitar to grow even more, I say (laughs). That's where I think I'm lacking. There's still so much about guitar I'm yet to understand, and that's my weak spot. There's a lot for me to reflect on.

Gear: Fender 1963 Jazzmaster The main guitar used in REAMP, a jazzmaster on borrow from wowaka. The serial number points to it being a 1963 issue. The saddle on the bridge has been swapped out to an Astro Notes. Shinoda selects the front for concerts/recordings, and doesn’t use preset switches. The guitar you can hear from the left channel in “High Gain” is this one. While the guitar you can from the right channel is a Tokai LP.

Fender 1965 Jaguar Also on borrow from wowaka, it was heavily used in Hitorie’s previous album ‘HOWLS’. For ‘REAMP’ it was used for the backing of ‘dirty’ and the main riff of ‘Utsutsu’. In regards to the Buzz Stop Bar, Shinoda himself prefers the musical range he can reach without it, but others oft react better when it’s on.

Pedal board: 1 WEED/GCB-95 mod wah 2 BOSS/TU-3W tuner 3 S-Distortion SASAKI 4 Prescription Electronics/Experience 5 Octave Fuzz & Swell 6 Keeley Electronics/Son of Fuzz Head 7 E.W.S./ Arion SCH-Z mod chorus 8 BOSS/PS-6 harmonizer 9 BOSS/DD-20 digital delay 10 Providence/Provolt 9 power supply

His guitar signal inputs at 1, then connects all the way to 8. He adores his 1 because there’s a gain knob on it, and as soon as he turns it on can he drive*. His main distortion pedal is number 3. His standard is to set  the volume knob at 12 o’ clock, the tone at 11, and the gain at 8. To give himself a boost in guitar solos he turns on pedal number 5, with the volume set to max. Pedal number 6 found its use in the song ‘(W)HERE’ on Hitorie’s album ‘Imaginary Monofiction’, but recently its fallen out of relevance for him. 7 was used in the song ‘Montage Girl’ on Hitorie’s ’Roomsick Girl’s Escape’, and harmonized phrases in general. He primarily uses 8 for the short delay, and it found usage in ‘curved edge’.

Amplifier: Hiwatt DR103 Custom 100 Marshall 1960 AV The number one weapon is volume. Shinoda’s main amp is this Hiwatt. The reason he started using it was because ’The only thing that could oppose the volume of wowaka’s Matchless amp was a Hiwatt’. The clean sound of it is what brings bass to Shinoda’s playing. For concerts that will be recorded, he sets the EQ bass, mid, and treble knobs all to 11 o’ clock. He sets the presence knob to about 13 o’ clock, but this gets adjusted every performance. This one stays the highest to ensure his music comes up front. He alters the high frequency and the level it pierces the ear with his pedals.  

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Texan-born, Brooklyn-based singer-songwriter and TikTok personality Allison Ponthier makes a splash with 'Cowboy' – it's the enthralling first taste of her upcoming EP. Finding a path away from her conservative upbringing, queer singer-songwriter Allison Ponthier is another artist making country music her own. Taking references from Kacey Musgraves and Orville Peck, Ponthier's take on the genre is high camp and features a kaleidoscopic visual world too. Growing a huge following on TikTok, 'Cowboy' marks the start of a whole new chapter for Ponthier with her debut release with Interscope and Polydor. The track itself references her move from the bible belt to New York City and her journey accepting her sexuality. Warm and inviting 'Cowboy' is cinematic pop with some real heart-on-sleeve confessional songwriting. Complete with a masterful music video that runs like a mini-movie complete with impressive special effects, on reflection, cinematic is an understatement. The video itself is a striking and exciting introduction to this new artist, “I probably watch movies more than I listen to music,” Ponthier says of the video. The clip, directed by Jordan Bahat (Christine and the Queens) adds a whole new cosmic energy to the track and aims to amplify the lyrics' detailed storytelling. As she unveils more of her forthcoming debut EP, Ponthier explains what we can expect from her; “a lot of my songs are about being uncomfortable in your own skin but getting to know yourself better, figuring out who you really are.” [via the Line Of Best Fit]

Miley Cyrus has shared the full video for 'Angels Like You'. The pop rebel returned in 2020 with her excellent album Plastic Hearts, a series of superb empowerment anthems. Album highlight 'Angels Like You' has received the video treatment, shot at the Superbowl in front of an audience of fully vaccinated healthcare workers. Miley has also provided a note for the video describing her feelings of gratitude to these workers. [via Clash]

LA punk four-piece The Paranoyds have dropped a new video for track 'Egg Salad', taken from their album Carnage Bargain which is out now on Suicide Squeeze. The video's director Nicole Stunwyck comments "The video presents the glitzy & glamorous world of a teenage girl who, after accidentally catching a beauty pageant on TV, dreams of her rise to stardom & subsequent downfall... It’s not a commentary on anything but an experimental depiction of my own personal fascination for young tragic starlets alà Valley of The Dolls."

Noga Erez and collaborative partner ROUSSO have shared a fifth compelling new single from forthcoming album KIDS which is set for release on March 26 via City Slang. 'Story' is a snappy, addictive song about how couples relationships are always a relationship between two people’s past and present. "Everyone brings their past experiences to the relationship even if things are great" Erez comments. "Sometimes past situations come in and take over." As with the album's previous singles 'Story' is brought to life with a captivating video, starring Erez and ROUSSO, who also provides vocals on the track. "ROUSSO is my partner in music as well as my partner in life" she explains. "This is the first time we tell a story about our relationship in a song and video. It’s a song about a couple fighting and how, in that situation, sometimes what you hear the other person say is not what they actually said. The making of this video was a 10-day couples therapy session for us. As we rehearsed the pretend fighting and martial arts moves we knew that, at times, one of us would get punched just a little too hard. It was so intense and interesting to live in this world, where our relationship comes alive in the most physical way."

After announcing Detritus with lead outing 'Stories' last month, Sarah Neufeld has unveiled the album's second single 'With Love and Blindness'. Neufeld says of the song and Jason Last-directed video, "The video for 'With Love and Blindness' came together through a long-time collaboration between myself and videographer Jason Last. I knew that Jason and I would work together again on some visual aspect for my third solo release, and it so happened that before I even began recording the album, we were presented with the opportunity to do a mini residence on Corsica with Providenza; an amazing collective with a farm, cultural laboratory, festival and residency program." She continues, "I was doing a short solo tour in Europe in the summer of 2019 in order to re-work some of the pieces from the dance collaboration to begin to find a shape for the album that was to be recorded in the Fall. In the middle of that tour, Jason and I travelled to Corsica for several days (graced once again with a suitcase containing Esteban Cortazar’s unique and beautiful creations). Besides performing in Providenza’s outdoor amphitheater, we were immersed in nature, literally staying in a treehouse perched on the side of a mountain, overlooking the dramatic coastline." Neufeld adds, "I found that the pulse of the landscape resonated with the essence of the music, especially "With Love and Blindness"; a sense of rawness, of sensuality, of a strange gravity intensified by the hypnotic summer heat and the general otherworldliness of the place." [via the Line Of Best Fit]

Molly Burman was brought up around music. At every family event, every party, the soundtrack would resonate with her, providing an education in itself. Both parents were gigging musicians, and she always wanted to follow in their footsteps, to use performance as a means of self-expression. Lockdown brought the time and space to bring these ideas into focus, and she's working to unveil a series of one off singles. Her debut single proper 'Fool Me With Flattery' is out now, a blissfully melodic piece of indie pop with some whip-smart lyricism. There's a tongue in cheek element to her sound that is fantastically endearing, matched by the subtle lo-fi elements of her bedroom pop confection. She comments: "I wrote the song after a long day of feeling overlooked and ignored by some of the guys in my life. I was fed up, angry and used the stereotype of a mansplaining misogynist to let it all out. This song is for anyone who feels belittled and like they’re being made to shrink themselves; be as big as you possibly can, and don’t let anyone fool you with flattery." The video is a hilarious showcase for Molly's offbeat sense of humour. [via Clash]

Punk provocateurs Pussy Riot have unveiled their latest song 'Panic Attack', as well as a music video that features a hologram of singer Nadya Tolokonnikova. This is the final release from Pussy Riot’s new Panic Attack EP, a collection of three linked songs that, for now, can only be streamed as separate singles. The title track features punk guitars underneath a tinkling music box melody, as Tolokonnikova turns anxiety into a sports cheer. “Gimme an A,” she says, “Gimme a T/ Gimme a T/ Gimme an A/ Gimme a C/ Gimme a K/ Okay? Okay.” While upbeat and seemingly cheerful, the synth-punk song comes out of the trauma she experienced in a Russian prison camp. As she explained in a statement, “After serving 2 years in a labor camp, I’m still struggling with mental health issues. Trauma, fear and insecurity never fully go away, causing depression episodes and deep anxiety. ‘PANIC ATTACK’ was born as the result of me staring at the wall for 24 hours in the middle of the pandemic, feeling 100% helpless. I was trying to write something uplifting to encourage people to get through the tough times. But I was just failing and failing. Magically, at the second I allowed myself to be honest and write about despair I was experiencing, I wrote the track in like a half an hour. Depression is a plague of the 21st century, and it tells me that there’s something broken in the way we treat each other. The video ‘PANIC ATTACK’ reflects on objectification of human beings, loneliness, disconnection from the environment that causes us to feel small and powerless. And it’s us who caused it with our own hands – that’s why in the end of the video I’m fighting with my own clone.” The music video for 'Panic Attack' was directed by  Asad J. Malik. He used 106 cameras to capture all angles of Tolokonnikova, then converted that information into a photoreal hologram. Afterwards, Tokyo-based creative technologist Ruben Fro built out landscapes reminiscent of video games through which the virtual Tolokonnikova could frolic. But as the visuals progress, those idyllic settings give way to a hellscape, and the singer faces off against a clone of herself. [via Consequence of Sound]

The wait is finally over. BLACKPINK’s Rosé shines like the star she is with her official solo debut. On Friday, she released two solo songs on her debut single album titled R, 'On the Ground' and 'Gone.' With its deep lyrics, angelic bridge, and Rosé’s high note at the end, 'On the Ground' is an exemplary song for her solo debut. Add the fact that Rosé is credited as a writer for the song, and one can really tell how much time she spent perfecting it for release. The accompanying music video, meanwhile, expands the story of life and growth. Rosé starts off looking lost and trying to find herself amidst all the wildness of life; she eventually encounters past and present versions of herself while searching for answers and purpose. By the end, she finds herself and her path forward, and one can’t help but smile as she sings an explosive outro. [via Teen Vogue]

On Ellise's latest alt-pop concoction the rising pop star gets gothic as 'Feeling Something Bad...' transforms a crush into an obsession. An expert at catastrophising everyday experiences, the LA-based artist has arrived fully formed with not only a consistent and cohesive sound but a striking visual identity too. That's even more clear when you press play on the accompanying video for her latest infectiously catchy track. With the clip directed by Joakim Carlsson we get to see Ellise in her absolute element as she brings "Feeling Something Bad..." to life in a macabre world of its own. “I just love dramatising little everyday feelings in life, so this is my big dramatic ‘I have a crush on you’ song,” Ellise explains – it's a song she wrote about a boy she barely knew. [via the Line Of Best Fit]

With President Biden determined to get the majority of American adults vaccinated by summer, bands are earnestly beginning to look forward to the return of live music. Purity Ring are the latest to announce 2021 tour dates, which they’ve shared alongside the video for their track 'sinew'. The song comes from WOMB, the synth-pop duo’s first album in five years that was released just before the pandemic struck. Directed by Toby Stretch, the clip brings back the abstract graphics and costumes that featured in the 'stardew' music video, continuing the enigmatic story of the domed bicyclist and their sun-headed sidecar companion. [via Consequence of Sound]

Australian Pop Princess, Peach PRC releases the official music video for her debut single 'Josh'. Peach PRC comments on the official 'Josh' visuals, “The music video was inspired by growing up watching the same five infomercials, morning news channels and old movies on my little pink box tv when I was a kid and couldn’t sleep on a school night. The idea was to have “josh” feel just as harassed the more he tries to call. Every creative step along the way was entirely my vision, from writing the music video script, to the lyrics and everything in between. I’m so happy and hope all the girls, gays and theys who dated “josh” will sing along.”

[aboutcaseyaffleck]

Casey Affleck Gets Philosophical About Life, Time & The Whole Damn Thing

“Time,” reflects Casey Affleck, “is something I have been thinking about lately. It is ironic how the older you get, the better you are at being patient. With less time left, people become better at waiting. But this year, I feel much older and a lot less patient. I guess you’ve got to accept that time is never wasted? That doing is no different than not doing? That you can’t kill time no matter what you do, and that no matter what you do you can’t prevent the opposite from happening either? I don’t know. It’s a double-edged sword.”

It’s a Wednesday afternoon in early January, and Affleck and I are doing the Zoom thing, ostensibly to discuss his two new movies, the recently released indie Our Friend and the upcoming 19th-century period drama The World to Come. Yet our virtual tête-à-tête has become far more interesting, jumping wildly from his love of trains and travel to weightier topics like family, the future and the search for something more, something meaningful.

“I like the idea that time is an illusion. That past, present and future are all happening at once. I like it even though I can’t totally get my head around it. But either way, the me in the mirror gets older every day.”

Like most of us, he’s not only had plenty of time on his hands in recent months, housebound in L.A., but he’s tried to use his downtime wisely. “I tried to use this year of quarantine constructively,” the 45-year-old Oscar winner says. “I tried to see it as a winter season for shutting down and restoring something inside, but I just couldn’t. I’m not that evolved, I guess. I didn’t take up a new hobby or learn an instrument or get better at ‘self-care.’ If anything, I let my better habits and routines fall off. It was all I could do to keep my head above water and help buoy my friends and children when I could.”

As a guy with two teenagers at home — Indiana, 16, and Atticus, 13 — it hasn’t been easy, but he’s doing his best. He tried taking his sons on their annual camping road trip over the summer, but it was short-lived. Instead, he’s been focusing on making a happy home. “My kids don’t get to see their friends a lot, so I’m doing a lot more stuff with them, coming up with activities for the three of us, which they mostly hate, and I mostly let drop. And then I try again with the same outcome 90 percent of the time.”

While trying to create innovative plans to sustain his boys, he came up with one he thought might do some good, too. In June, he launched Stories from Tomorrow, a social-media initiative focused on creative writing by kids.

“At the beginning of all this last March, the first thing that occurred to me was that the quarantine would have a big impact on young people’s emotional well-being — the disruption they’re going to feel is really going to affect their mental health more than anyone else,” he says. “When I would sit down to write creatively, I felt better. But I couldn’t get my sons to journal or do creative writing much. I didn’t want to twist their arms about it. So I was like, ‘I’ll make a social media platform that inspires young people to write creatively, because it is such a good way of working out difficult feelings. And the way I will do that is have well-known people read the kids’ writing publicly.’ I knew that hearing your own writing read was exciting. I thought it would be really inspiring, that creative writing would be a great outlet for kids stuck at home.”

He enlisted some of the biggest names in Hollywood, including Robert Redford, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Jon Hamm, Matthew Broderick, Kyle Chandler and Danny Glover, as well as two current costars, Vanessa Kirby and Jason Segel, and arranged for donations made through the program to go to children’s hunger nonprofit Feeding America and Room to Read, which supports female education. He reached out to schools in Africa, Asia, the Middle East and Haiti, hoping to create a global community.

Affleck was excited to make progress, to have done some good, but the initiative didn’t take off as planned. “In the end, an Instagram account for creative writing by tweens just couldn’t possibly compete with the quintillion bytes of daily data generated online. I don’t know. But I tried! And anyway, since then lots of other organizations started doing basically the same thing, and they are more organized than I am, and they have done a better job. So be it.”

Yet, adults have been disrupted, too, including Affleck himself, who is aware that, relatively speaking, he has gotten through mostly unscathed. “Am I happy? I mean, I’m relatively okay. It’s been a hard time to find balance and to keep it. I would say it’s been a hard time in my life, but I know that it’s been harder for other folks. So far we haven’t lost anyone, and we haven’t lost our house. And I rediscovered that when you’re feeling bad, there’s nothing better to do than to try to help other people. Being of service not only helps others but is a great way of getting outside of yourself. Also — and I really believe this — I think this time will be remembered as one when our country made leaps and bounds in the right direction; we are changing and growing and it’s uncomfortable, but we will be much, much better. I wish I could see the next couple hundred years. It’s going to be amazing.”

At the end of the day, it’s family that’s keeping him going. “Having my kids around and being able to spend so much time with them has been amazing. It is the brightest silver lining in all of this. They are what gives me the most joy. They are funny and smart and interesting and interested. They are just the best company ever,” he says. “Anytime I try to parent out some ‘teaching moment,’ I find they are two steps ahead. They help me make sense of stuff just as much I help them, if not more. I don’t have any answers, but batting the questions around, back and forth, is a good way of coping.”

CALEB CASEY MCGUIRE AFFLECK-BOLDT feels he is luckier than most. Although he and many of his peers have gone jobless for a full year, he spent 2019 working hard. He had not one but three films done and dusted prior to the start of the pandemic; the last one wrapped a week before mandatory quarantine. Two of these have back-to-back release dates: the tearjerker indie Our Friend came out in January, and sweeping period drama The World to Come will be released February 12. Thriller Every Breath You Take is slated for later this year. “I am so, so, so glad I spent 2019 working that much. It is what kept us afloat all through 2020,” he says.

The films themselves are radically different, but there are a few common threads. In both of his winter releases, Affleck plays a man who has lost a family member and whose marriage is in shambles. In both, he is a man in pain.

In the LGBTQ masterpiece The World to Come, which revolves around the love that blossoms between two married women on the mid-19th-century American frontier, his character, Dyer, says very little but manages to convey a wealth of emotion with his eyes alone. He may seem stoic, but he is suffering.

“The World to Come is a story about a couple who have lost a baby. They’re dealing with the grief in totally different ways and having a very hard time coming together again,” he explains. “My character wants to heal that by having another, but his wife [played by Katherine Waterson] is coping in a different way. She is severing all emotional attachment to him because it triggers more and more grief. She [only] seems to come alive when she is with their neighbor, a woman on the next farm [played by Vanessa Kirby]. He wants his wife happy, but he also would like her to love him. To me, this is the story of how couples can have their relationship shattered by a sudden loss. And it’s definitely a beautiful story about two women who feel that they have to hide their love and find the courage to love each other anyway.”

Affleck likes layers. He himself has many, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he’s drawn to roles written as fully formed characters, not caricatures. With Dyer, that’s abundantly clear. “Crisis is fun to play, [and Dyer] is in an interesting crisis,” he says. “I think he’s a really good person — a really decent, solid, loving person — which is what I loved so much about playing him and what I love so much about the writing. It’s more interesting when there’s no bad guy, just a conflict of circumstances and feelings that get so complicated that it drives two people apart.”

In Our Friend, a different set of circumstances drives the leads apart. Affleck and Dakota Johnson take on the true story of Matthew and Nicole Teague, whose imperfect marriage was strained by his long absences and her affair, neither of which seem at all important when she’s diagnosed with terminal cancer.

“To me, Our Friend is really a story about how petty grievances between people can divide them and then be forgotten when a gigantic tragedy is dropped in their laps. [Matthew] was wronged, it’s true — his wife cheated on him. On the other hand, he wronged her in a bunch of ways; [they] were just more passive and not quite so salacious. He wasn’t around. Matt got to be a dad and he got to travel the world as a journalist. He left her to take care of the kids. She wanted to have a life too, she had dreams of her own — she wanted to be a singer, she wanted to work — but she didn’t get to do that. She just got to be a mom. She was left holding the bag, and it wasn’t fair.”

He spent a fair amount of time immersing himself in the journalist’s life while filming in Fairhope, Ala., in 2019. (The film’s title is taken from Teague’s award-winning Esquire essay, “The Friend: Love Is Not a Big Enough Word.” The friend in question — played by Jason Segel — is a man who puts his life on hold to help the family during their darkest days.) But he did not become Matt Teague, which is an important distinction. “[Director] Gabriella Cowperthwaite asked that we not portray the personality traits of the real people. No accents, no mannerisms. [But] I did steal his style, because I had never seen someone nail the dad look any better than Matt. I say that with affection.”

As for the dreams Nicole gave up for her family, Affleck says, “If you were to ask Matt, I’m sure he would acknowledge that he was neglecting his role. He was neglecting her dreams, and that is a part of marriage, supporting what the other person wants. Like all relationships, it was complicated.”

Like life itself, really. This is why he can identify with both sides. He understands Nicole’s pain about the deference of her dreams as well as Matt’s desire to escape through travel — especially now, when Affleck himself has been completely grounded. Since the age of 17 he’s taken 20 cross-country road trips. His love of driving is secondary only to his enthusiasm for trains: Amtrak is his jam. He even fantasizes about owning his own train car one day.

Immersing himself in each location — whether it’s the sleepy Alabama town of Fairhope or the more exotic locale of Romania, which served as a stand-in for the East Coast of the U.S. in The World to Come — is actually one of the most desirable parts of the acting life, he says. “One of the things I love about working as an actor is that you go to some brand-new place and the community invites you in in a way that they don’t usually if you’re a tourist,” he confides. “You get to see what it’s like to really be there and imagine yourself living there.”

And he has — over the past ten years he’s spent so much time in cities including his hometown of Boston; Vancouver, British Columbia, the location of Light of My Life; Atlanta, where he shot the 2016 action flick Triple 9; Argentina, where he made Gerry; Dallas, for A Ghost Story; Calgary, Alberta, where much of the epic western The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford was filmed; Our Friend’s Fairhope set; Cincinnati, for The Old Man and the Gun; and Braddock, Pa., where he filmed the 2013 drama Out of the Furnace. “I have loved moving in and settling down and living a character’s life and then moving on. But I feel most at home in places that are struggling to get by. It reminds me of the neighborhood I grew up in. I feel lighter in those places, more relaxed. I feel like myself. I fit in.”

For him, the where is almost as important as the who — immersing himself in the place is imperative to understanding his character. This is part of what makes him such an accomplished actor — he and most of the parts he plays merge. I draw a crappy analogy about how the characters are like a coat, which he very obligingly works with. “You have to build the coat from all of the scraps and pieces of yourself; all these characters are made up of little pieces of me,” he says, noting, “Obviously, sometimes they can’t be. Sometimes I have no connection whatsoever, and those are the jobs I look back on and I either feel nothing for, or worse. But sometimes you have to take the job that is available, like most people in the world. You know? I don’t think my dad wanted to be a janitor. But he did it.”

He’s won an Oscar, a BAFTA, a Critics’ Choice Award, a Golden Globe and an Independent Spirit Award, among others, and appeared in films that run the gamut from box-office juggernauts like the Ocean’s 11 franchise and Tower Heist to indie darlings like brother Ben’s directorial debut Gone Baby Gone and Manchester by the Sea. He has even written and directed, most recently 2019’s Light of My Life, a bizarrely prescient movie about raising children in a pandemic. At this point in his career, he should have his pick of parts. “Not really,” he says. “There are a lot of people out there who have done good work, who are driven, and who have something to share. I have never been someone studios embraced as a ‘movie star,’ never knighted. I have always had to fight for the parts I have gotten. And you know what? That’s fine. Let me fight. It’s how I cut my teeth, and it is how I will keep them sharp. You can’t ask for more than a chance to be in the ring. Also, movies and TV aren’t all I care about. Sometimes I think, ‘Well, jeez, I have to work, and there are two jobs available to me, and the one that isn’t as good is the one that is close to home and I can see the kids, so I guess I am doing that.’ I love movies and really try hard to make them good. I really bust my ass every day when I get the chance to make one. I care more about my family than any movie. It’s not [always] the job I love, but this is the reality of my life. But maybe life will be long enough for a few more chapters.

The forward momentum of his future is an interesting topic. At the moment, he isn’t so much planning for the future as he is exploring it, because Affleck is not someone who likes to live with regret.

“I guess [at the end of the day], regret should be reframed as a reminder to be different,” he observes. And so, with this in mind, he embarked on a personal journey several years ago and decided to go back to college (at the Simon Fraser University in British Columbia). He had completed two years at Columbia University, but he never graduated — his film career kept getting in the way.

“I went back to school because I hadn’t finished, and I wanted to think about new things in a way that school can help you do,” he says. “I couldn’t go in person, so I found a strong online school and got started. You know, I’m 45, and I just thought, ’This is halftime. This is where you hit the locker room and think about how you want the rest of the game to go.’ You know what I mean? Like, ‘Okay, we went out, we played our best, we didn’t know what the other team was going to be like, we made some mistakes, we are in the game, so let’s adjust like this.’ Also, I’m not sure I want to be an actor forever. I had made a small pivot from acting into directing, and into producing more. And I like to direct movies. The most satisfying creative experience I’ve had in a long time was being a director. But ultimately it wasn’t quite enough. So I wanted to go study some of the things I was interested in. I wanted to do more with my life.”

Although he needed general credits to graduate, he found an unexpected passion for juvenile justice along the way, with a particular focus on alternative accountability programs. “I don’t know where this will lead me, or why I am so interested in it, but finding and implementing better systems for addressing harm and conflict among kids, adults too, but mostly young people, is something I care about. And the work that I have done so far has been fascinating and deeply rewarding.”

When I ask if this stems from his own experiences as a troubled kid growing up in Cambridge, Mass., with Christine, a single mom — his parents divorced when he was 9; his father, Timothy, an alcoholic tradesman, checked into a rehab facility in Indio, Calif., when Affleck was just 14 — he muses thoughtfully, “I love my parents and think they both did the very best they could and cared a lot. Period. Did I get into some trouble as a teenager? I got into some trouble when I was a kid, and I struggled a lot through high school with depression and substances, yes. Much of it I didn’t even know wasn’t normal. I don’t know if I was ‘troubled.’ Either way, as an adult, I’ve come to see that, regardless of how I compare to anyone else, I want less conflict in my life. That might be part of the reason why I’ve been so interested in learning about better ways of resolving conflicts, both with children and with grown-ups. It isn’t something they teach in school for some reason. Man, there is a lot they don’t teach you in school, huh? A lot you’ve got to learn on your own.”

And on this journey, mistakes will be made. That’s par for the course, and Affleck is no exception. “I have made so many mistakes, but life is the time for mistakes. I do believe people should hold themselves accountable and repair harm they have caused. That is important to me, and I try hard to do that whenever it is called for: apologize for mistakes and repair them,” he admits.

This is when our conversation, as such conversations are wont to do, comes full circle. Before we say goodbye, Affleck remarks, “You know, I heard Bono talking on Howard Stern’s show, and he said something about Frank Sinatra that was interesting. He said that he heard two versions of Frank singing ‘My Way.’ One version was recorded when Frank was young, and the other version was recorded when Frank was old. Each had the exact same words, same arrangement, same everything. But when Frank was young the line ‘I did it my way’ sounded proud, and when Frank was old it sounded humble. Whatever else time does to a person, I think it also does that.”

[source]

[inahazzze]

Wayfaring Stranger

⭐ Please enjoy this fluffy meet cute one shot featuring AU poet dad!Harry and a bisexual singer OFC! It’s roughly 7.7k words. ⭐

***A/N: I’ve been working on this for a while and I’m really proud of it so I would super appreciate any likes/reblogs/asks/feedback about it!! Thanks for reading, please let me know what you think :) x ***

Sav’s eyes are mostly shut against the blinding sun when she slows to a stop to catch a breath with her hands on her knees. After 45 straight minutes of running, the sound of her own heartbeat has started to compete with the electronic rock pumping through her headphones. She makes sure that she’s out of anyone’s way on the sidewalk and leans against a boarded in shop front to relieve her aching legs. She drinks deeply from her water bottle and holds one finger against her wrist in concentration. After a minute, she starts counting under her breath so that she doesn’t keep losing track of what she’s up to. Sav can usually complete this routine on autopilot, but this morning she can’t stop thinking about the text she received from Erin about two hours ago. Which is saying something that it’s taking up all her brainpower, as she hasn’t even read the text yet. She could only see the first line, which was enough to lead her brain to comprise every possible follow up to I’ve been thinking about sending this text for days. Sav wasn’t even meant to go for a run this morning, but it seemed like a better idea than walking circles around her apartment until she had to leave for the afternoon shift at work. Who texts their ex at 8am on a Friday morning?

It’s already been two hours since the text came in, so Sav decides to get it over with and finally read it before she chickens out. She pulls her phone out from her bra, cleans the screen against her leggings, and reluctantly opens the message.

I’ve been thinking about sending this text for days. I’m sorry for what I did. And for everything I said. I miss you.

It feels like her heart has been ripped out again. Right when she feels like she’s finally starting to move on and heal, Erin has to go and do this. All she can do is stare at the screen and try not to cry. Erin was the one who broke up with her two months ago and now she thinks she can just text and Sav will come running?

It’s at this point that Sav realises that there’s a man sitting only about a metre away, watching her with a slightly concerned expression. He’s wearing a grey newsboy cap and a striped white button up that’s undone to the length of a hanging cross necklace. Countless tattoos peek out from his pushed-up sleeves and his hands are adorned with large silver rings that reflect the sunlight. The man is leaning back against his chair, one hand around his phone and the other wrapped around a steaming cup of black coffee. Sav hadn’t even realised that she’d stopped next to a bustling cafe.

“Can I help you?” She asks him, only realising that she sounds a bit aggressive after she’s spoken. She hadn’t even registered that he was there, so she’s just a bit taken aback to notice that someone had been watching her.

When he smiles at her, it’s genuine and kind. “Are you alright?” He asks.

Sav immediately feels bad that she snapped at him and took her frustration about Erin out on this stranger.

“Yeah, um. Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.”

“Don’t sound too convinced, if ‘m honest,” he says.

Sav doesn’t know what to say back, so she just looks back down at her phone as if it will give her any answers on what to do. She’s thinking about what to respond to Erin when she hears the man speak again.

“Are you Aussie?”

“Um… yeah. Why?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I get it, I’m just a random guy on the street.”

“No, it’s all good. I’m just… I’m having a shit morning,” she says.

“I only ask ‘cause my daughter’s Aussie. Well, technically.”

“Oh,” Sav says with eyebrows raised. She didn’t think he looked old enough to have any children. “What do you mean technically?”

“Her mum’s Aussie. And she lives with her mum, so she’s been picking up all sorts of things from her.” Sav doesn’t miss that he casually slips in a comment about his daughter’s mother living separately to him. “She’s only visited Australia twice, but already fancies herself a real Aussie Sheila,” he says, badly mimicking a Crocodile Dundee sounding accent for the slang term.

Sav laughs and loosens up a bit, feeling slightly better about talking to this stranger. He’s nice, and their casual friendly chat is taking her mind off of Erin – even if only just a little. He seems harmless, and isn’t asking her anything inappropriate or invasive like men on the street usually do when they try to talk to her.

“I’m sure your daughter is a real Sheila if she sounds like… that.”

“Hey!” he says, drawing out the word. “Are you saying that my incredible impression of a very standard Australian accent isn’t a realistic one?”

“No, you’re right, it’s absolutely perfect.”

“That it is,” he says, clearly trying to keep a straight face. The subtle beginnings of dimples begin to peek out the sides of his mouth from under his blushing cheeks. You smile lightly and let your tense shoulders relax a little more.

“Um… do you wanna talk about it?” He asks after a moment in a slow drawl.

Sav hesitates a moment, unsure of whether she should open up to this virtual stranger. It usually takes her a while to trust people but for some reason she finds herself answering him honestly. Gesturing at her phone, Sav releases an unnecessarily dramatic shrug. “It’s just my ex, s’all.”

“Ah,” he nods in understanding. “Recent break-up?”

“Yeah, but I’m okay,” Sav says, unsure if she’s trying to convince him or herself. He waits patiently as she gathers her thoughts. “Been a few months. This morning she texted me out of nowhere.”

“Tough one, that,” he says with sincerity. Sav’s relieved that he didn’t make a comment or seem to react in any way to the she pronoun that she let slip. London’s a progressive city, but she always tries to be careful just in case. Sometimes people make a big deal about it and start to ask invasive questions, and other times people will very clearly show their surprise or disgust or arousal. The fact that he didn’t do any of those things makes her immediately more comfortable around him.

Sav is shocked out of her thoughts when a nearby bus honks at a passing car. She meets his eyes dead on, and notices how light they are. In overcast London, most people’s eyes look a standard brown until you really look. Today is sunny enough to show off how his are tinted a mossy green, like a dull blade of grass after a really hot day. She finds herself wondering how the colour changes based on the light. She wants to see him again solely to know if the green in his eyes will become brighter, or softer, or bluer.

“Did you want a coffee?” He asks, and she notices how smooth and soothing his northern accent is.

“Oh, I…” Sav looks down at her watch to see if she even has time before work to sit and have a coffee with him. She hadn’t realised how long she’d been running and it’s later than she meant to be out for. She’s considering saying yes, even if she’ll be forced to rush into work a bit late. He’s nice, cute and funny, and maybe this is exactly what Sav needs. But on the other hand, he is a complete stranger that she met on the street. He seems completely harmless and even told her about his daughter, but she can’t help but feel weird because she doesn’t know him. They’ve only had a short conversation, after all. And to top it all off, Sav is now more confused than ever since Erin’s text this morning, so she just wants to be alone to process and think. On a better day, she might have agreed.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to, by the way,” he cuts in to her thoughts.

“I do, I just really ought to be getting home,” she says with her best attempt at a genuine smile. She tries to convey her thoughts to him but he breaks their eye contact.

“No worries, have a wonderful day, then,” he says with a finality that Sav doesn’t like. His voice isn’t cold, but it’s definitely more distant and polite than a minute before.

“You too,” Sav says as she starts to walk away.

“Wait,” she hears and spins around. “What’s your name?”

“Oh, right. It’s Sav.” She hadn’t even realised that they hadn’t introduced themselves.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Sav. I’m Harry.” His warm smile returns for the briefest moment.

“Have a good one, Harry.”

Even though a part of her regrets rejecting his offer of coffee, Sav leaves feeling like her Friday morning has already drastically improved.

~

TWO WEEKS LATER

The Thursday afternoon set at the Barwon Lounge Club is never the most exciting one, but Sav still feels grateful that there are a handful of people here to listen to her music. She often prefers days like this to the busier weekend shows, even though she doesn’t get as many tips, because at least some people listen to her when it’s not so busy. It’s not that she blames people for talking over her - they came here to eat, drink and have music in the background. They didn’t come here specifically to see her. She accepted that a long time ago and considers it a part of the job. At least she can still do what she loves, unlike her bartending job where she pours beer for grumpy old men for hours.

It’s just Sav and her guitar on the tiny stage in the corner of the dining room, playing to a large open space filled with tables and couches. She plays Thursdays to Sundays, doing an alternating set of all the slow, low-key songs she knows. Her boss likes to remind her regularly how it’s most important that she blend into the background. She’s not there to entertain, but to fill silence.

She’s almost halfway through her standard set when she’s pulled out of her trance. Her eyes go wide in surprise when she sees Harry enter from across the room. Harry, who she’d met almost two weeks ago and has thought about countless times since. She doesn’t normally talk to strangers on the street and she definitely doesn’t usually think about them after their interaction. There was just something about him - he stuck in her head like a catchy song on the radio.

She’s frozen in place, forgetting to immediately transition to the next song. A few people eating lunch look over towards her, because nothing is as noticeable as absolute silence. When Harry meets Sav’s eyes, he breaks out into a wide smile. He’s wearing loose blue jeans and a black t-shirt, with his hair held back in the same newsboy cap she’d seen him wear on the day they met. He moves closer towards the stage to find a table to sit at, and once he’s closer Sav can see that he’s not alone. He’s holding the hand of a young girl, maybe four or five years old, with beautiful dark olive skin and rich chocolate curls atop her head. She’s hiding behind a chair that’s taller than her and looking up at her father with a furrowed brow, communicating something to him. He sighs and smiles at her, bending down on his knees to speak softly to her face-to-face. Sav can’t hear what he’s saying but notices the child nodding her head before pushing her curls into her father’s chest. Harry wraps his arms tightly around his daughter and peppers her with multiple quick kisses to her cheek.

At this point, Sav’s boss peeks his head around the corner and raises his eyebrows at her. She knows that he’ll tell her off if she doesn’t restart soon, so she gathers herself with a deep breath and tries not to think about Harry now being here. She clears her throat and spontaneously decides to play a song that she wasn’t planning on doing today. Eva Cassidy’s Wayfaring Stranger is one of her favourites, plus it’s one of her most polished songs vocally. It wasn’t necessarily for Harry, but it was a little bit because of him. When she sang the song in a set last week, she was thinking about him as her wayfaring stranger, who she’d probably never see again. In a city as big as London, it didn’t seem all that likely. The lyrics of the song aren’t at all reminiscent of their first run-in a few weeks ago, but for some reason the song is now connected to him. It was a passing thought that has been growing in her mind like a vine since.

As she gets into the song, Sav closes her eyes and forgets she has an audience. That often happens when she sings her favourite songs; the ones she knows like the back of her hand and doesn’t need to think about while singing them. It takes her somewhere that she can’t explain, and the music flows through her as if it’s yearning to be heard of its own accord. When she sings, she goes to a place that she can’t get to while doing anything else. It’s a place somewhere outside of herself – somewhere peaceful and powerful all at the same time. When she sings, she feels free and like the truest version of herself.

As the song comes to a close, she slowly opens her eyes to a smattering of applause that brings her back into the real world. The most enthusiastic applause is coming from Harry and his daughter, which makes her smile. It’s the most applause she’s gotten by far today, and it makes all the difference in the world. Sav’s boss peeks his head back into her view and holds up one outstretched hand at her to signal that she has a 5 minute-break now. She usually gets one roughly halfway through her set so that she can go to the bathroom, or get some fresh air. Sav nods at her boss as she places her guitar into its stand and reaches for her water bottle with the other hand.

Glancing back up, she notices that Harry’s staring at her with a focused intensity. Even as his daughter bounces up and down in her seat and tugs at his sleeve, he’s watching Sav with a look she didn’t see when they first met. The look is strangely intimate and vulnerable, and she feels like in this moment he can see straight through her. See everything that she is, has been, and wants to be. She doesn’t know what look she’s giving back to him, but she knows that she certainly wouldn’t say no if he asked her to have coffee with him again.

Harry gets up from his seat and holds his daughter’s hand securely as he helps her jump out of the chair like it’s a game. They start walking towards Sav, leaving their things at the table because it’s that kind of venue.

“That was amazing!” The young girl says enthusiastically, drawing out the word amazing for as long as she can hold her breath.

Sav smiles widely at the bouncing child. “Thank you very much young lady. What’s your name?”

She pokes Harry’s leg incessantly. “Daddy, she sounds like Mummy.”

“That’s right, sweets. She’s Australian too,” he says to her in a gentle voice.

“Ooh!” She says while jumping up and down. “What’s your favourite animal?”

Sav giggles a little and Harry emits something in between a sigh and a laugh. “Love, the nice woman asked you what your name is, will you tell her?”

“I’m Asha,” she sounds out proudly.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Asha, I’m Sav. And my favourite animal is definitely dogs.”

Harry shows off his dimples when she responds to his daughter with ease. She clearly knows how to speak to children without talking down to them, and this fact warms Harry’s heart even more than her singing did.

“I love dogs.” Asha beams. “My favourite animals are elephants.” She says the word like ewephants, and Sav has to restrain herself from vocalising how cute the gorgeous girl in front of her is.

“I bet they’re like this big,” Asha continues, stretching her arms to her sides as far as they’ll go and throwing her head back.

Harry and Sav chuckle and share a quick look of adoration for the child.

“Would you believe that they’re even bigger than that!” He says to her, eliciting a gasp.

“Even bigger than-“ She nudges Harry’s arms up until he plays along and stretches his arms out to his sides too. “-That?” He nods seriously and she drops her jaw open in dramatic shock. They all giggle, and Sav is reminded of why she loves children.

“By the way, Asha’s right.” Harry says after a moment. “That was really incredible, Sav.”

“You remember my name,” she reflexively voices her first thought.

“Course I do,” he says with a furrowed brow. She likes how he displays his emotions clearly on his face. “Couldn’t forget you,” he says a little softer.

“Daddy, I’m hungry,” Asha says with a masterful pout.

“I’m gonna go order now for you, sweets. Chicken fingers?” He asks her with raised eyebrows, clearly unsurprised by the animated response he gets from his daughter.

“I need to go finish my set anyway,” Sav tells him, shifting a bit to pick up her guitar.

“I’ll see you again after, yeah?” He says. She nods, and he takes Asha back to their table.

For the rest of her set, Sav has to force herself to not keep staring at Harry. He’s also trying to avoid looking over at her too much, but is grateful that he can always hear her voice even if he can’t watch her. He cuts up his daughter’s food and asks her about this morning’s lessons at school, but has one ear trained on Sav’s music all the while. He’s entranced by her voice, even just her presence, and wants to take up this opportunity to make sure that he gets to see her again.

At the end of her set, she slowly packs up her things and thinks about whether she should go over to speak to Harry again or see if he comes to her. Luckily, he waves her over before she loses her nerve and heads home.

“Again, that was amazing,” he says as soon as she walks up. He stands and takes a step away from the table, where Asha is engrossed in colouring an ocean landscape with crayons.

“Thanks,” she says, not knowing what else to say.

“Did you- um. Did you want to grab coffee?” Harry asks.

“Now?”

“No, uh. I’ve got Asha today, so it’ll have to be another time. What are you doing tomorrow? Oh wait- you didn’t even say yes yet, did you-”

“I’d love to get coffee with you, Harry,” Sav cuts into his anxious rambling with a smile. “I’ve got another set here tomorrow though, then I bartend afterwards, so I can’t in the day.” His face begins to drop until she quickly clarifies what she was insinuating. “But I’m not working the night shift.”

She’s rewarded with the brightest smile he’s shown her yet. “Can I- I know we don’t really know each other, but I’d love for that to change. Can I make you dinner?”

A smile creeps on to Sav’s face. “It’s a date.”

Harry heaves an audible sigh of relief and puts his hands into his pockets. “It’s supposed to be a nice evening tomorrow night, so how do you feel about a picnic in the park?” He looks down and blushes. “I’d really like to cook for you.”

“That sounds really lovely,” She replies softly, silently relieved that he doesn’t want to take her to a fancy restaurant. She never feels like she belongs in really upscale places and always manages to embarrass herself somehow.

“It’s a date,” he repeats her phrasing with a broad grin. She can’t believe this is happening. She’s not just going on a date – she’s going on one with a man she’s been thinking about for weeks but thought she’d never see again.

They agree to meet at a park nearby at 6pm the next evening, and Harry gives her his phone number in case she’s running late from work or has any issues finding him. He then needs to take Asha home for a nap, so he gives her one last bright smile before saying goodbye and leaving.

Sav makes her way to the bathroom to hide from her boss and jumps up and down with giddy, childlike joy at what just happened. She’s going on a date with a cute boy and she couldn’t be happier. She knows that there’s no guarantee for how it will go, but something inside of her says that it will go well. She just has a good feeling about it. And about him.

She sits down on the closed toilet seat, thinking about how long it’s been since she’s been on a date. That’s when she remembers that she never responded to Erin’s text from two weeks ago. She kept putting it off but never knew what to say, so she just said nothing.

Sav takes out her phone and decides that seeing Harry again was a sign. She texts Erin one last time, and it feels so good.

I’m moving on, Erin. And so should you.

~

There’s a larger audience for Sav’s set the next day, but it feels like something’s missing without Harry in the audience. After she saw him again yesterday, he became all she could think about. She felt a bit silly about it as she’d only met him twice, but truthfully she was just relieved that she was no longer thinking about Erin. She replayed all their interactions, thought about his smile and his kind eyes, and how he looked at her when he watched her sing. She thought about his gorgeous daughter and how he looked like such a good dad even though he must’ve had her at a fairly young age. She thought about how he remembered her name and said that he could never forget her, and how excited he looked when she agreed to go out with him.

It’s lucky that Sav knows the music of her set so well, because she’s so distracted thinking about the date that she’s mostly running on autopilot. Her brain is so jam-packed with thoughts about tonight’s date that she almost misses Harry in the back of the room, watching her set.

“How long have you been here?” She asks when she’s finished and able to approach him.

“Not that long. Didn’t know when you started so I thought I’d try a bit earlier than I was here yesterday.”

She’s absolutely dumbfounded that he’s standing before her. “You came back.”

“I did.” He’s blushing a little. “I wanted to hear you sing again.”

“Oh,” she lets out in a heavy breath. “That’s… no one’s ever done something like that before.”

“Really?” She thinks he might be sarcastic at first, but he’s genuinely surprised. “Your voice is… it blew me away. Plus, I like you,” he says, his cheeks reddening even more.

He’s laying it on thick and Sav doesn’t know how to react. No one has ever been this forthcoming and complimentary to her before. She opens her mouth to respond but can’t think of a single thing to say.

“I hope this is okay- me coming back. It’s only just occurring to me that it might look a little creepy,” he says, holding his bottom lip between his forefinger and thumb.

“No, it’s not creepy,” she says quickly to ease his mind. Her mind is still spinning that he just said plus, I like you. He added it on so casually. “Um. Tonight- do you still want to…?”

“Yeah, course I still want to go out with you tonight, that very much has not changed – uh, has it for you?” A dash of panic flickers over his previously confident expression.

“I still want to,” she assures him.

“Plus, I realised that I forgot to ask you – do you have any allergies or food preferences?” He says, slightly startled when Sav laughs at him instead of responding.

“What’s funny?”

“Nothing, that’s just – you’re really thoughtful. It’s a good laugh, I promise.” He smiles sheepishly, and the expression shows off just how much his daughter looks like him. “I’m vegetarian, actually. Hope that’s okay.”

“It’s great, I’m glad I checked!” His enthusiasm also mirrors his daughter’s, even though he’s obviously a fully-grown man. “Alright then!” He claps his hands a little too loudly, and a few patrons look at them. Sav pretends that she doesn’t see her boss watching them from behind the bar.

“I should really be getting back to work.” She says, unsure of how to say goodbye when they’re meeting again in a few hours.

“Course, just – should I pick you up? Want to be a perfect gentleman,” he says with a cheeky smirk and a comical gesture as if he’s tipping his hat at her. “But we can meet there if you’d rather.”

Sav blinks up at him in disbelief. He’s really thought of everything, and impressed her more than she thought a man could at this point in her life, and the date hasn’t even started yet.

“Meeting there is good,” she manages to say. “Six still fine?” That gives her enough time to get ready after work and still enjoy a few good hours of sunlight with Harry in the park. She’s more excited than she’s been for something in a long time, and her ex is out of her mind completely for the first time since their split. It couldn’t be better.

“Perfect.”

~

Even though Sav had thought about it all day, she hadn’t managed to decide on what to wear to the date by the time she got back to her apartment. She didn’t have time to dawdle, but still managed to try on eight outfits before settling on skinny jeans and a flowery blouse. She wanted to strike a delicate balance between casual and dressed up to look good on her first date in a while. Even though Harry’s already seen her today, Sav feels pressure to leave a positive first impression tonight.

She doesn’t live too far from the park they’d arranged to meet at, so she decides to walk the half hour to ease her nerves. Fingers dancing in her pockets to let out some anxious energy, her mind fills with every possible scenario of how the date might go. She’s excited but worried that she’ll somehow ruin it or do something to scare Harry away. It’s a good thing she arrives when she does, because her worries start to spiral and lead her to the assumption that the date’s going to go wrong for one reason or another. She enters the park a few minutes early to find Harry standing next to a small fountain in the centre of the green. He’s doing something on his phone but puts it away as soon as he sees her.

“You look beautiful,” He says with a genuine smile once she’s within hearing distance. She mumbles a thank you and stumbles over her words until she tells him that he looks nice as well. She has a feeling that he’d look nice no matter what he wore, but finds him particularly attractive tonight. He’s changed his outfit from earlier today too, and is now wearing tight-fitted black trousers with a slightly unbuttoned silken white blouse. The shirt is a bit see-through, so she can tell that he’s inked much more than she thought. She hadn’t previously noticed what look like two birds on his chest, and all she wants to do is brush his silken shirt aside so that she can properly admire them. A small tuft of chest hair peeks out at her from between a few parted buttons, and she has to tear her mind away from thinking too much about what he’d look like without any buttons done up.

“Great, shall we find somewhere to sit then?” He asks, reaching down to pick up a picnic basket and blanket that Sav hadn’t noticed. As he leans down, she’s suddenly extremely grateful to whoever perfectly tailored his trousers. She doesn’t know what’s gotten into her, and desperately wills her mind and body to behave.

“Over by that tree looks nice, don’t you think?” He suggests and begins to lead them through the park. He sets up the blanket in an unoccupied shaded area and offers her the first choice of seating.

“I cut up some fruit and made some vegetarian quiche for us,” he says. “Hope that’s alright.”

She raises her eyebrows, already impressed by the effort he’s put into their evening. “Quiche? Damn, sounds fancy.”

“What, have you never had it before?” He’s clearly shocked.

“Should I have?”

“Well I guess there’s a first time for everything,” bringing out the smirk she’d seen glimpses of before. Harry serves her a piece of quiche on a plastic plate and leaves a small platter of fruit in between for them to pick at. She takes a bite, only a little self-conscious that he’s watching her intently.

“So?”

“It’s… terrible. Inedible. I think I’m getting food poisoning, actually.”

His face drops for only the slightest moment before he rolls his eyes and bites his bottom lip with a smile. He tries to act annoyed but Sav can tell that he’s trying not to laugh. “Very funny.”

“I think you might have to take me to the hospital, now that I think of it.” Sav presses both arms across her stomach in a dramatic gesture and almost loses her composure in the process.

“Oh, stop it,” he laughs, trying to swat at her folded arms as she pulls away giggling.

When their laugher dies down, she takes another bite of the quiche and reassures him. “Being serious, though? It’s delicious. Thank you for making it, it’s really sweet of you.”

Harry looks down at his lap and blushes, clearly pleased that his effort has paid off with both banter and a genuine compliment. As they eat, Sav asks Harry about Asha and mentions how sweet and well mannered she was yesterday. He brightens up immediately at the sound of her name and Sav feels her heart flutter in her chest. He tells her about how his daughter is joyous, funny, loveable, cheeky and thoughtful.

He tells her a story about one time that Asha broke out into Man, I Feel Like A Woman at the top of her lungs in a supermarket even though she didn’t know any words beside the title line. This somehow morphs into Harry telling her another story about how Asha believed she could speak Italian by merely putting on an imitation of the accent when they travelled to Italy for a holiday last summer.

“Sounds like you already have plenty of material to embarrass her with when she’s older,” Sav says, grinning ear to ear.

“Gotta collect ‘em early, I hear,” he says. “To blackmail her as a teenager.” They both devolve into a fit of giggles and exchange blushing smiles back at the other. A few moments of comfortable silence pass with mouths full of watermelon and berries before Harry speaks with a completely different tone of voice.

“You know…” He’s a little hesitant and takes his time. “Sometimes I think that Asha’s the one true love of my life.” Sav just about melts.

Before long, their natural rapport eases her completely into Harry’s company. She unconsciously leans against the scratchy picnic blanket with one wrist and gives Harry her full, undivided attention. He asks her about how she started working at the Barwon Lounge Club, and compliments her again on her voice and guitar skills. She doesn’t know how to react to the repeated compliment and instead changes the subject to ask how he found himself in her workplace with his daughter on a weekday afternoon.

“So, were you stalking me or something?” Sav playfully asks, trying her hand at initiating some light flirtation.

He laughs but answers seriously. “Just a happy accident, m’afraid.”

“Happy indeed,” Sav says, looking down at her empty plate. She thinks about how this is going so much better than she’d even let herself hope.

“She’s usually in reception at that time on a Thursday, but I had to take her for a dentist appointment next door. And then she was suddenly hungry, and I wanted to hear where the beautiful voice was coming from.”

She wants to tell him off again for his sneaky compliment but lets it slide because she’s secretly enjoying it. Then she realises that he’d mentioned a word she’s unfamiliar with. “Sorry, what’s reception?”

“Oh, it’s like kindergarten, or kindy I think it’s called in Australia, right?”

“Course, I should’a guessed that.” She says. “Yeah, it’s kindy. We basically call everything a shortened nickname of the actual word.”

“Yeah, I’ve certainly noticed that. Asha likes to pick up some of them that her mum says, like ‘footy’ instead of football, and she’s started asking for a ‘biccy’ when she wants a biscuit.”

Sav laughs. “Now that’s someone who speaks my language.”

“It’s pretty cute, I’ll admit,” he says with a grin.

“I’ve been in London long enough that I should really know all the lingo by now, but I keep finding that I obviously know nothing.”

“How long’ve you been here?” He asks.

“Two years. Was living in Scotland for a few years before that, though.”

He whistles in response as if he’s impressed. “I love a worldly woman,” he says, and somehow makes it sound sweet instead of weird or creepy.

They spend the next hour talking about the places they’ve lived and travelled, and all of the places that they want to go to next. Sav tells Harry about how she hiked through Spain and stayed in strangers’ homes each night before continuing on. Harry tells her about the time that he got drunk in France and woke up in Belgium. They talk about how much they both love Japan and how they’d both love to do a coast-to-coast road trip of the US. They each manage to eat two pieces of quiche and a sizable amount of fruit while they chat. He’s so enamoured by her presence that he almost misses her pre-emptively, even though the date hasn’t ended.

“Wait,” Sav says suddenly. “I don’t even know what you do, how have I not asked you that yet?”

“Oh, well, I’m a writer.”

“What kind?” She’s not surprised – he seems like the type.

“I write poetry,” he says with a blush. “’And I teach at a college a few days a week.” Sav is about to respond when he continues. “’Ve got a few poetry collections out.”

“Harry!” She says, lightly hitting the side of his arm. “That’s amazing!” His cheeks redden even more but she can tell that he’s pleased by her reaction. “Would you… could you read some of your poems to me?”

He thinks on this request for a moment before coming up with an idea. “I will if you’ll sing to me again.”

“What? Now?” She’s sure it’s a joke, but he looks deadly serious.

“One sec, I’ll be right back.” Harry pushes himself up hurriedly, running back towards the street and leaving Sav confused and unsure of what to do or think. What’s he up to?

A few minutes later, he comes back in sight with a large case slung over his shoulder. He sits down and opens it to remove an old wooden acoustic guitar. There are a few handwritten notes and stickers along the body, including a haphazardly stuck-on rainbow and the words Black Lives Matter.

“Where did that come from?” Sav asks, taken aback. He only smirks at her, placing the guitar in his lap and making sure it’s in tune.

“Would it make you feel better if I sang with you?”

“You can sing?”

“I… yeah.”

Sav agrees only because she wants to hear what his voice sounds like. “You’ve got a deal.” She reaches out for his hand to shake on it, mostly as an excuse to touch him. He’s very warm to the touch, and his skin is soft as butter. Only his fingertips are rough against her skin, and their hands feel instantly comfortable and right together.

He clears his throat and regretfully draws his hand away from hers and instead towards the resting guitar. “Can we do a Fleetwood Mac song?” He asks, already knowing that she’s familiar as he’d heard her play three of their songs during her set at work. He thinks on it for a moment and she waits patiently. “Do you know the lyrics to Gold Dust Woman?”

“Course I do,” she says. “Who do you think I am?” He chuckles and holds his hands up in front of him as if to plead his innocence. She takes a sip from her water bottle and is suddenly nervous. It was one thing when she was doing her job and on a stage – it was only a small stage, but still. This is intimate and personal.

Harry begins to play, and Sav quickly looks around them to check that there’s no one too close by. There are two or three lingering passers-by who may be able to hear but none of them seem to care about Harry’s playing. One has headphones in and the other two are distracted on their phones. It’s nerve-wracking to unexpectedly sing in a public park, on a first date no less, but Sav also finds it kind of exhilarating.

She misses her initial cue because she’s so nervous, so Harry loops the intro chords until she’s ready. Closing her eyes, she focuses on the pleasantly hypnotising lyrics and music. Harry lets her get comfortable in the song and joins for the harmony in the chorus. And Sav isn’t ready.

His voice is like soft leather, or dark chocolate melting on your tongue. It’s like the feeling of someone’s hands playing with your hair, right at the moment when it sends tingles down your spine. It’s like dripping silver, or a feather on skin, or a fresh breath of wintry air after a long summer.

She stutters to a stop in shock but he continues, and she’s grateful because all she wants to do is listen to him endlessly. She can see his hesitation and his reddened ears, so she jumps back into the song as soon as she can gather herself together. She leaves him to tackle the second verse alone as she sung the first, and she’s entranced by how beautiful it is. She’s truly enamoured with his voice and this date and… him.

When they finish, they share a long look before Sav suddenly speaks. “Um, excuse me?”

“What?” He’s surprised by her slightly aggressive tone after what just happened.

“You were complimenting my voice when you can sing like that?”

“Well thanks, but I’m nowhere near as good as you-“

“You’re delusional then.” She puts on an exaggerated pout. “You’re next-level good. I bet you’re one of those people that’s just naturally great at everything.” She picks up her water bottle again and hides behind it by taking a long sip.

“That’s not true,” he shakes his head. “I’m not good at asking you out for another date.” Sav almost chokes on the water. “I’ve been meaning to for a little while and haven’t had the guts.”

She’s now fighting a huge smile, not wanting to give away just how much she wants to squeal in delight at the shameless flirting.

“Smooth,” she says, trying to play it as cool as she can. “But you haven’t held up your part of the bargain yet.” He scrunches up his eyebrows before remembering that he agreed to read some of his poetry in exchange for the song.

“I better get to it then,” he says with a smirk and rummages through his backpack. He pulls out a very worn brown leather notebook, held closed by two long strings that have been wrapped loosely around the book and tucked into itself. It’s covered in what Sav assumes is his own doodling and graffiti – it doesn’t look like the kind drawn by a young child Asha’s age. The words one and only are scribbled carelessly along most of the spine.

Harry takes a minute to decide which poem to share with Sav. He eventually decides on one and she curls her knees into her body, getting comfortable to give Harry her full attention as he reads. He takes a deep breath and slips right back into the gossamer tone of his singing voice to read his poetry.

“This one’s called Woman,” he mumbles, and then begins.

I’m selfish, I know. but I don’t ever want to see

you with him.

I’m selfish, I know. I told you but I know

you’ll never listen.

I hope you can see the shape that I’m in, while he’s touching

your skin.

he’s right where I should-        (where I should be)

but you’re making me bleed. woman

I’m tempted, you know. apologies

are never going to fix this.

I’m empty, I know.

promises are broken like the stitches

I hope you can see the shape I’ve been in. while he’s touching

your skin

this thing upon me, it howls

like a beast.

you flower you feast. woman

When he finishes, something new and palpable hangs between them. It’s not that anything has changed – but an unspoken bond settles into place between them. They’ve shared parts of each other that are unreachable through mere conversation and rarely exchanged on a first date. Either could comfortably say that it’s the best first date they’ve ever had, and possibly would ever have.

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Sav whispers. It seems appropriate to only whisper after that. She looks into his light green eyes, trying to convey to him how his poem made her feel. How she can’t quite put it into words but she can put it into feelings. He stares back at her just as intensely, sensing her warmth and gratitude and understanding.

“So would you like to go on a second date with me, then?” Harry says, resting his palm on the picnic blanket close to her knee. He leans his body forward and she unconsciously mirrors him.

“I’d like that,” Sav breathes out. She’s staring at his lips, and wondering how they’re naturally almost the colour of raspberries. She’s slowly leaning towards him with quickening breath, unable to stop the magnetising pull of her body to his. He’s leaning into her too, and moves his hand even closer until he brushes her knee with the back of his thumb. Her whole body erupts in tingles at the unexpected touch – and she’s certain that her goosebumps are visible – but she doesn’t dare look away from him. Harry licks his lips under her gaze and they’re left parted and slightly glistening. She’s now close enough to see every line, pore, and stubble hair on his face, and she wishes she could study him from this distance for hours. Maybe she’ll get to one day, but for now, there’s only one thing on her mind.  

The moment their mouths meet, they seem to melt into each other entirely. She’s immediately overwhelmed with how he tastes sweet like watermelon along with something musky and deep that she can’t describe. He can’t believe how soft she feels against his lips, like he’s brushing up against pure silk. He moves his hand up to rest against her cheek, and caresses his pinky finger against the sensitive underside of her jawbone. She lets out a light moan at the feeling, widening her lips to allow Harry to deepen the kiss. She feels entirely lost in her senses and the feeling of him everywhere.

Their tongues touch and set both Sav and Harry’s skin alight. They both forget where they are and become utterly lost in one another. He’s dizzy with her scent of jasmine and taste of berries, and wishes he could bottle it up and take it with him everywhere. He’s never felt so worked up from just a kiss, no less a first kiss – not to mention they’re in public. It’s like he can feel every nerve ending screaming out for her.

She’s so desperate to feel him as close as can be that she finds herself cupping his cheeks as well, pressing her mouth into him passionately. It’s definitely too lewd for a public park, but neither of them care anymore. She can feel the hard muscles of his jaw flex under her palms and her back arches a bit at the thought of everywhere she wants him to kiss her. She starts emitting light moans that only he can hear, and she can feel the vibration of a growl wanting to form in the back of his throat.

Eventually, they break apart to come up for air, but still remain almost touching. They’re both breathless and eyeing the other with heavy lids that suggest their arousal. Harry takes in her state and is pleased that she’s just as worked up as him.

He smirks, showing off his dimples. “Can the second date be now?”

[firethatgrewsolow]

Swiss Time - Chapter Fourteen

**The adventure continues after a bit of hiatus. You may want to brush up on the ending to the last chapter or the very beginning of this one might not make sense. On the other hand, you may want to skip this one altogether as it’s definitely sfw and fluffy! :-) Thank you to @squeezemylemon for taking a look at the mess I presented you. Hopefully this doesn’t resemble it in any meaningful way ha! And as always, thanks for reading.**

“Quit looking down, Robert. You can’t see anything.” Natalie stifled her smirk. “Well, not much, anyway.”

“That’s it. I’m changing my trousers.” Robert stopped mid-stride and spun around, pulling her along.

“I was only joking.” She pointed to their reflection in the store window beside them. “Have a look for yourself.” Her brow lifted as he squinted, ambling closer. “Told you. There’s nothing to worry about. I’m the one with wrinkles all over my dress.”

There was a hum in the back of the singer’s throat as he recalled how each and every one had come to pass. “Perhaps you need a new one, then?” He cupped his hands against the glass, peering into the dimly lit shop. Long oak shelving lined the walls, covered in dog-eared paperbacks and periodicals that had seen better days. A network of clothing racks lay in the middle, draped in peasant dresses and flowy blouses. Sprinkled among them were weathered wooden tables offering everything from Tiffany style lamps and tapered candles to crystals and dried flowers. The full sized cardboard cutout of Marilyn Monroe that flanked the entrance completed the picture. “Christ, what is this place?”

“It’s called Le Papillon Pourpre. It’s been here forever.”

“Isn’t that butterfly something?”

“It is. Papillon is butterfly, and pourpre is . . . well, it doesn’t really exist in English. It’s sort of reddish-purple.” Natalie clutched the door handle. “Come on, let’s check it out.”

“But I thought we were going to-”

“They have vinyl.”

“Lead the way.”

As they entered the shop, the world outside receded, giving way to the serene strum of acoustic guitar. A melange of white sage and lavender wafted through the space, not quite cloaking the unmistakable aroma of cannabis. “I like it here already,” Robert drawled, his vision adjusting to the muted glow from the dozen or so chandeliers affixed to the rafters. “Hey, they’re playing The Incredible String Band. That’s one of my favorite groups.”

“Their collection is supposed to be pretty eclectic. Even Christian buys here.”

Robert scanned the cavernous room. “So, where do they keep the records?”

“They’re in the back to the right. Near the . . . t-shirts,” Nat finished quietly as he scampered away. “Guess I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”

The minutes slipped by as Natalie sought to busy herself. Robert was in his element, surrounded by vinyl, flipping through the albums with machine like precision. He was clearly absorbed, having taken up residence in the corner of the shop. Resigned to her fate, she found a spot to while away the time in the form of a threadbare but surprisingly comfortable settee near the used books. As she reclined into it, one in particular caught her eye, and she smiled at the well worn cover. The Female Eunuch. Unable to resist its lure, Nat reached for the hardback, thumbing through the pages. How many times had she devoured it? Enough to have memorized virtually every single word. It had been a birthday gift from Susan, signed by the author herself, a woman Nat admired and longed to emulate. Maybe I’ll get to meet her when we go to . . .

“What the bloody hell is a female eunuch?”

Natalie glanced up. “Something I intend never to be.” She snickered as Robert tilted his head, looking very much like the shaggy Golden Retriever she’d had as a child. “It’s a book by Germaine Greer. She’s the famous Australian feminist that-”

“Feminist? Say no more.” Her smile vanished, a familiar frown taking its place, and Robert grinned. “Just kidding. I’m all for it. Keeps you busy.” With a yelp, he jumped back, narrowly avoiding the tip of her boot. “So, what’s it about?”

Nat stood, sliding the book onto the shelf. “Well, it’s kind of a call to arms, in a way. It argues that traditional roles for women leave them unfulfilled. That we should be questioning authority and break free from the monotony of marriage and children. Maybe even monogamy in general.”

“Oohh, I do like the sound of that.”

“I thought that might sell you,” Natalie replied, rolling her eyes.  

“I’d say you’re off to a pretty good start, yeah? I don’t know too many little girls that could do what you do.”

“Little girls? Really?”

Robert cleared his throat. “Young women, I meant.”

“You know more than you realize. You just don’t think of them that way.” Natalie pressed her finger against his chest. “That’s part of the problem.”

“Have I told you how cute you are when you’re miffed?”

Her hands flew to her hips. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Robert. You’re so condescending. You’d never say that to a guy.”

“You’re bloody right about that.”

“I’m serious!” Nat groused, stomping her foot. “Stop taking the piss.”

“What did you just say?” Robert burst into hearty laughter. “Stop taking the piss?”

Nat nibbled her lip. “Did I . . . did I not say it right?”

He wrapped his arms around her, pecking the crown of her head. “Oh, my girl, you make me smile.”

Natalie nestled into the cozy warmth of his chest, the mere action coaxing a web of comfort around her. She’d never known someone who could provoke her so, then sweep it all away with a simple embrace. She closed her eyes, lost in his scent and the feel of him. Lost in his very aura. You’re falling in love with him. Her pulse ignited as the realization raced through her, fueled by a mix of fear and fearlessness.

“You okay, babe?”

The hint of a smile on his face belied the concern in his slightly wrinkled brow. “Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re not usually this, ah, snuggly.” Robert tightened his grip as she tried to step back. “I like it, Natalie.” He cupped her chin. “I like it a lot.”

Nat swallowed, taking in his sun-kissed glow. He was so handsome, so impossibly him. She wasn’t falling. She was already there. Get your shit together, girl. You’re in dangerous territory. Her gaze flickered to the rear of the shop. “So, um, did you find any records?”

Robert remained silent for moment. The wall was back. She was good at constructing them. Any time things got a bit too close or a bit too personal, boom, she’d change tack. Sometimes with a joke, sometimes with a distraction. It was subtle, but it was always there. “As a matter of fact, I did. Let me show you.”

They wound around the apparel to the music corner, and Robert tapped a stack of albums piled next to a bright orange psychedelic t-shirt. “This one I’ve been trying to score for a couple of years.”

“Jill and the Boulevards? Who’s that?”

“A band from London that formed in the early 60’s. They didn’t make it very far, but their sound was so cool. Kind of like, um, Jefferson Airplane meets Fairport.” Robert slung the shirt over his shoulder and scooped up his new treasures, cradling them with the reverence of a man clutching his first born child. “Speaking of, I may have a surprise for you when we get back to the hotel.”

“Oh, really? A surprise at the hotel? Dare I ask the nature of it?”

The corner of his mouth curled up. “A melodic one, I promise.” He deposited his stash alongside the register, folding the tie dye on top.

Natalie eyed its garish neon swirls. “Wait, you’re actually going to get that?”

“I was planning on it. Why shouldn’t I?”

She clasped the garment, scrunching up her nose. “Maybe because it’s ugly.”

“That’s not very nice.”

“It’s hideous, Robert. But I suppose it works. If the vibe you’re going for is stoner with really bad taste.”

He swiped the shirt from her grasp. “Well, as my sartorial superior, what would you suggest?”

Natalie padded to a rack of blouses near the center of the shop. “These seem promising.” She rummaged through the various pieces, dismissing each one with a flick of her wrist. Undeterred, she plowed on to the next rack, and then the rack beside it, gradually losing hope. “I guess I was wrong. There’s nothing here that . . . “ she trailed off as a soft cotton tee came into view, the color of the summer sky. A spectacular bird graced the front of it, emblazoned in white, red and blue. The detail was superb, down to the slight sparkle in the crimson tips of its wings. It was absolutely . . .

“Perfect.”

Nat narrowed her eyes at Robert’s proclamation. “It is perfect. For me.”   

“I thought we were looking for something for me.”

“You’ve got your vinyl.”

“But I like it. And blue’s my fav-”

“Mine, too, and you know it. Besides, I found it first.” She cocked her head, and Robert did the same, making it evident that he wasn’t giving in. A beat passed, then another. His tiny pull on the fabric was nearly imperceptible, but his burgeoning smirk was not. She peered behind him, gasping mightily. “Oh, no, Robert, that man’s taking your records.” His split second of alarm was all she needed, and she snatched the shirt away.

Robert froze mid-whirl, pursing his lips as he slowly turned back to her. “You’re very sneaky.”

“I thank you,” she replied, beaming at her flawless imitation of him. “It’s just another thing to love.”

His dimple deepened. “You always get your way, don’t you?”

“Not always.” Natalie winked, dangling the tee in front of him. “Just most of the time.”

Robert shook his head. “Right.”

“Oh, come on, you know you’d rather have something more dramatic.” She nodded toward a row of jackets. A black bolero fronted the display, its edges covered in thick ivory embroidery, exquisitely stitched. “How about that? I’ve never seen you in something like it.”

Robert fingered the rich material. “Not bad. Do you think it will fit?”

“No, but has that ever stopped you before?” She chuckled as he made a wry face. “Try it on.”

Sliding it over his thin black tank, he lumbered to the mirror. “Well?”

Natalie snorted. It was at least three sizes too small. “It’s just right.”

Robert stood a little straighter, tossing his hair back. “It is, isn’t it?”

She exchanged a look with the woman behind the register, who was observing them with amusement. “I guess that means he’ll take it.”

“Oh, yeah, about that,” Robert began, scratching the stubble on his chin. “It seems I’ve, ah, forgotten my wallet.”

Natalie’s jaw dropped. “Are you serious? You forgot your wallet? Again? You seem to do that a lot.”

“Now, now, you know I’ll pay you back.” The singer kissed the tip of her nose. “Or maybe . . . it could be my birthday present.”

“How is it we finally go shopping for my birthday, five months late, incidentally, and you’re the one that ends up with most of the stuff.”

“Ah, the scowl is back. I adore it.”

“That’s fortuitous. Because you’ve mastered the art of eliciting it.”

“You use fancy words when you’re cross. I adore that, too.” He leaned closer as she crossed her arms, his lips gliding to her ear. “But you know what I love best? The sound you make when I do this.” He nipped her earlobe, savoring her squeak as she stumbled back a half step. A faint blush crept onto her cheeks, and he grinned, nuzzling his nose against hers. “Yes, that’s definitely the best.”

“Would you like me to box it up for you?”  

Natalie’s eyes darted toward the shopkeeper as her heavily accented English filled the air. “No, thank you. He’s going to wear it out, I’m sure.” They flashed back to Robert. “Delayed gratification is not his forte.” Dropping her t-shirt on the counter, she motioned to the records. “We’ll take those, too.” As she fished the wallet from her bag, she canvassed the case underneath the register, which was teeming with glittering baubles and beads, all expertly crafted. She stilled as she spied a sparkling butterfly clipped to a braided gold rope. A kaleidoscope of shimmering stones formed its wings, enveloping the body, which consisted of two dual toned gems that she’d only seen in books. It can’t possibly be. There’s no way.

“It’s very special, isn’t it?”

Natalie’s head snapped up. “Yes, it is. Is that alexandrite?”

“Yes. Would you like to see it?”

Nat’s eyes widened. “Please.” As the clerk passed her the piece, she expelled a breath. “It must be terribly expensive.”

“It’s not for sale, just on display. It’s very old. And the namesake of the shop.”

“Robert, did you hear that? It’s the namesake of the shop.” Natalie swung the pendant over the trio of candles along the edge of the counter. “See how the color changes in the light? Pourpre. This is pourpre,” she murmured, entranced by the brilliance of the jewel. “It’s incredible. How much would it cost if it were for sale?”

The woman clicked her tongue, finally shrugging. “I do not know. I would imagine quite a lot.”

Robert smiled, admiring the fiery hues of the stone, but most of all, the sheer wonder etched on Natalie’s face. “Let me put it on you. Lift your hair, love.” He clasped the chain, carefully fastening it around her neck as she gazed into the mirror. “You look like a princess dressed for a ball.” He traced the lines of its wings with the tip of his finger. “My princess Natalia.”

“Il n’est rien de réel que le rêve et l’amour.”

Robert glanced to the shopkeeper. “That’s very pretty. What does it mean?”

“Nothing is real but dreams and love.”

Robert stole another peek at Natalie. “That’s nice. Beautiful, really.”

Nat’s heart skipped a beat as their eyes met in the glass, the tender gleam in his nearly too much to bear. Their attraction was undeniable, the chemistry inescapable, but it ran deeper than that. How much deeper, though? The rumble of voices broke the reverie as a cadre of kids stormed into the shop, ushering in rich, sweet wisps of smoke and patchouli. They were outfitted in feathers and fringe, their banter ceasing abruptly upon their discovery of Robert. As they stared in stunned silence, Natalie hurriedly unclipped the necklace, passing it back to the clerk and taking her change. The silence wasted no time morphing into excited chatter as an autograph was requested and then another. Robert held his own, basking in the adoration of the horde now encircling him, but Nat was all too aware of how scenes could flip from convivial to confrontational in an instant. There was only one Robert, and there must have been twenty-five or thirty kids and counting. Natalie cased the rear of the store, searching for a way out that didn’t include traipsing through the middle of the throng. As if she could read her mind, the shopkeeper leaned into her, her tone hushed.

“Behind the records, there is a door that leads to a hall. Follow the hall until it ends. That will bring you out on the street behind us.” The woman gestured toward the growing crowd. “I will take care of them.”

Natalie flinched as a steely peal of French burst forth from the clerk’s lips. Immediately, the mob was rendered mute, each bell bottomed and peasant bloused body stiffening at her command. Nat quelled her giggle as she clutched Robert’s hand to make their stealthy escape. The sleepy Swiss town was about to become decidedly less so. The invasion had begun.  

[evannalily]

Gold Frame Earrings from Newlook

Good Afternoon everyone and a very Happy New Year to you all! I hope you all had a wonderful night full of fun, joy and surrounded by family and friends to ring in the new year! I myself was laid up in bed with the flu for most of it so mine could have been that little bit better but otherwise I was just thankful to actually be out of bed and able to eat on actual new years night so it could have also have been worse but Im on the mend now! Todays post is the first post of 2019 and one I haven’t done in a while which is on one of my own looks that I had for a night out in December and if I’m being really honest that night was the first in a long time that I actually 100% happy with how I looked on a night out and felt really confident in myself which I think is a feeling I will be bringing with me in 2019!

My 2018 ended with a good few memories as I had a pretty sociable December . Including myself and Éimear going to the INEC in Killarney to go see Hozier and Gavin James who were unreal! For anyone who doesn’t know who Hozier is he’s an Irish singer/songwriter from Wicklow and I would definitely recommend going to see him because he is just amazing live! I always love going to see singers live and have them sound the exact same as they do in audio instead of them sounding a bit different because the voices are enhanced on the audio to sound better. Definitely check out his music because he is genuinely just so good! Gavin James is also an Irish singer from Galway who is also really good to go and see!

Myself and Éimear also went on our glam girls night out where we also met up with Himself and a couple of his work buddies and it was this night that I am honestly so happy with my look.

Look of The Night

  https://www.newlook.com/row/womens/clothing/tops/black-one-hundred-percent-slogan-t-shirt-/p/616789201

https://www.newlook.com/row/womens/clothing/skirts/black-cotton-mix-mini-tube-skirt-/p/506885901?comp=Search

https://www.newlook.com/row/womens/accessories/jewellery/gold-textured-rectangle-earrings-/p/614185393?comp=Browse

https://www.prettylittlething.com/black-pu-pointed-ankle-sock-boots.html

https://www.newlook.com/row/womens/accessories/belts/black-leather-look-circle-buckle-hip-belt/p/591190501?comp=Browse

The look its self was pretty simple and was my classic all black colour scheme (another thing I’m going to start changing in 2019) and was just perfect. I love when you just throw something on last minute and it ends up being you’re favourite look of all time. The t-shirt is pretty basic and you can find slogan t-shirts in virtually any high street store at the moment as they are really trendy still and it was also long enough on me that I kind of created another layer under the skirt which is always handy just incase like me you have a little fear of things being a bit transparent. The skirt is actually another one that I had at home but I have included a link to a similar one here for you but its just a basic black tube skirt as I like my skirts to be a bit higher around the waist as I just feel they suit me better. You can’t see the boots in this photo but I do have a picture of them up on my Instagram and they are literally the exact type I was searching for for ages! I have another suede high stiletto pair that I have had for years and they are starting to get on a bit now and have seen a fair share of nights out so it was time to start getting their replacement ready and these are amazing. They literally tick every box height (which is scary high to look at but I love the height without a platform sole) , style, colour, comfort and of course are pointed toe. The earrings are again really trendy at the minute and are relatively easy to find but it does depend on the size you like. Usually these square frames are on the larger side but these ones are actually a mini version available from Newlook as well as the bigger size too. They are lightweight as well which is always a bonus as heavy earrings are a curse on your ears after a while. I just finished this look with a plain black leather jacket (more black I know) and thats it. A simple look for nights out without the fuss.

  2018 : A Year In Pictures

As we are now in the new year 2019 I have decided to share some of my photos month by month from last year 2018 on some of my highlights from the year gone by. I definitely had a year filled with ups and downs, changes and trips but these photos are a reflection of all the good times from last year and if you can I would make an album on your phone or in a scrap book that you can look back on in years to come so that you can remind yourself when you’re feeling a bit low or in a sticky situation that life hasn’t been all bad and that you have had some great times in your life even if it is something as simple as just watching movies with friends. Heres a breakdown of my 2018!

February – Éimear and I travelled up to Dublin to go see Dermot Kennedy in the Olympia Theatre and I will honestly never forget it. It was the best concert I have ever been to because his music is so emotional, touching, beautiful and mesmerising. We are going to see him this year as well which I cannot wait to do again!

April – Himself and I went on our kind of annual holiday to Portugal to Albufiera where we have been before but this time we did do a few new things one of which I have definitely never done before and that was a Fish Pedicure. If you don’t know what that is its basically these tiny little fish that eat away at dead skin cells so you soak your feet in the water with them and they basically just clean your dead skin cells away. Don’t worry they are tiny fish so you don’t actually feel anything except maybe a slight tickle which is more of a funny sensation than scary (unless your Kim Kardashian West in that clip where she completely freaks out at the tickle feeling of a fish pedicure).

June – Himself and I went over to England for just under two weeks to mind my aunties house for her and as he had never been to London before I was excited to show him all the touristy things like Buckingham Palace, The London Eye and the Natural History Museum. We did one thing I had never done before (that I can recall anyway as I may have gone as a very small child) and that was go to the London Aquarium. It was really cool in there and they do have really interesting things to see so I would recommend going there if you are in London! On our way to the Natural History Museum we did see a few lamborghinis being driven around for demonstrations too which he was only delighted to see.

September – In September Himself and I attended a wedding in Tralee which was a civil ceremony as they didn’t want a church wedding and it was honestly one of the nicest wedding I have been to. As much as I respect peoples religious choices of a church wedding it was just really nice to not have the same prayers and routines and to see them have their children involved, have their own readings and quotes spoken and it was just a really nice romantic wedding. I did however end up spending two days getting broken glass out of my hands from an unfortunate table breakage but we won’t talk too much about that!

December – The whole month of December was one of my highlights to be honest. I started with our annual staff party which was really fun as we went for dinner and then just made a night out of it. Next up was my birthday which I didn’t actually do anything for it but Himself did have roses delivered to me at work for it which was a nice surprise even though I had a feeling he was going to do that as he was being a bit sneaky in town the day before and he did the same for my 21st birthday a couple years ago but it was still a lovely surprise! After that came came the Hozier show which was amazing as he just has such a great voice and is amazing to see live. Then literally two days after that myself and Éimear went out for our glam girls night and met up with himself and couple of his friends as they were on a staff night out too. Then obviously there was Christmas which was our usual family tradition of dinner with my grandparents, lots of food and a movie. Then a few days after Christmas myself and Éimear headed out to the INEC again to go see Gavin James perform and literally about two days after this I ended up in bed ill for nearly two days and was only just up an about on new years eve and able to eat so I literally have not one photo from the night but I did discover my 88 year old granddad is a fan of George Ezra’s Shotgun and my nan is in love with Michael Bublé

February – Dermot Kennedy Olympia Theatre Dublin

March – Myself and Eimear on St. Patricks Night

March – Snowy house bound days with Cookie

April – Albufeira, Portugal with himself

April – Albufeira, Portugal with himself

May – Finally bought a new car

June – England with Himself

June – England with Himself

August – Got my first set of the prettiest Ombre gels at NailsbyErika

August – Was reunited with an old school friend at a wedding

September – At wedding with himself

October – Halloween Costume Party in The Grand with Gillian

December – Christmas Staff Party

December – Himself had flowers delivered to me at work for my birthday

December – Hozier with Eimear

December – Hozier with Eimear

December – Out on the town with Eimear

December – Holly waiting for her gifts from Santa on Christmas morning

Decemeber – Gavin James with Eimear

Well thats my 2018 summed up so lets see what 2019 brings! Speak to you soon!

Ever yours

Lily

xx

December Roundup : Last Look At 2018 Good Afternoon everyone and a very Happy New Year to you all! I hope you all had a wonderful night full of fun, joy and surrounded by family and friends to ring in the new year!

[onlovestreetwithjimmorrison]

Frank Lisciandro Interview

Frank Lisciandro was a close friend of Jim Morrison. He worked, traveled and partied with Jim for three years, photographing and filming the Doors at the height of their popularity.

Last year Frank Lisciandro wrote a book about his experiences with Jim Morrison entitled "Jim Morrison, An Hour For Magic, A Photojournal" (Delilah Books)

We take great pride in presenting this very special interview with Frank Lisciandro.

Q. Frank, why haven't we seen more books about the Doors? A. I think it's because the Doors themselves and the estate of Jim Morrison have been rather unapproachable in the past about writing about Jim, and about access to the kinds of material you need. As a matter of fact, the Sugerman, Hopkins book ("No One Here Gets Out Alive"), was not authorized by the estate. The estate wanted to stop its publication because there are a lot of inaccuracies in it.

Q. Why don't Morrison's parents speak out about their son? A. His father is an ex-Navy Admiral, and they tend to be rather conservative, military people. I don't think they've ever realized Jim's greatness, and I think they've always been ashamed that he was busted in Miami, and busted in New Haven. It doesn't fit the image of a military man. In a sense, they would prefer that nothing be written about him. They don't like the way it reflects on them, believe it or not. They don't see the greatness in their son; rather they see the embarrassment it causes them. Because of that, they've been totally uncooperative with everyone. I did hear that they liked my book quite a lot. Although I didn't need their cooperation, it was nice to hear that. But, even his sister hasn't spoken up, or his brother. They would just rather cherish the kind of images they had of him rather than have a publicity thing go out. So they're not very sympathetic to the fans' needs or the people who really idolize Jim even to this day. There are young people and older people even, who find him a great innovator, a great rock singer, lyricist, poet. And these people want more and more information about him. The parents and the family don't see that really. They just don't want the exposure, so, they haven't been generous with their information about Jim. Hopefully, that will change.

Q. Why is Jim Morrison so popular today? A. When Jim wrote, he wrote from a universal standpoint. That is, he dealt with themes that are universal, and they are timeless. He dealt with love, death, sex, breaking away from one's family, mysticism, breaking on through to the other side. To see a new reality, he talked about rebellion and revolution. Those are things that are a lot different than Sixteen Candles, boy meets girl, boy loses girl. Not only were his themes meaningful, but the way he addressed those themes, the way he treated them. He read deeply into philosophy, and psychology. He was a very learned and well-read person and he was able to talk about those things in a way that people responded then, and still respond to. I think people who listen to him are attracted now both by his physical image, his voice, and also the things he wrote and talked about because those subjects are always meaningful to people.

Q. Is there anybody out there today who has picked up where Morrison left off? A. I don't see anybody right now on the horizon that has quite the charisma, the magic, and the influence of Jim. I don't see anybody with the deep philosophical bent that Jim possessed. I think the person who has the most humane kind of lyric; and the most humane kind of outlook is Jackson Browne. But, Jackson Browne is no Jim Morrison.

Q. As a co-producer of the "American Prayer" album, are we to believe that everything Jim said on the album should be taken seriously? Are parts of the album a put on? A. I think that some of the poems are comic, some of the poems are serious, and some of the poems are kind of serious but are meant to be taken comic. Individual poems have different intent. In effect, he was a comic poet. The poem that goes "Curses, Invocations", that's a wonderful set of phrases and images of just weird and surrealistic and wonderful kinds of things that it brings to mind. So, I don't say everything in "American Prayer" is serious, but at the same time, he was serious about the way he used words. It's just at times he used them in a comic sense and other times in a very serious sense.

Q. Towards the end of his life, Jim was asked if he would've lived out the same style of life again, if he had the opportunity. He said no, he'd prefer a quieter, much simpler lifestyle. Was it the legal hassles that caused him to think like that? A. That was a good part of it, but perhaps more was that he had become, his image had become, larger than himself and in some respects, people expected him to live up to his image. He was a very sensitive, and a very gentle kind of human being. He really cherished close friendships and quiet moments. Unfortunately, he couldn't outlive his image.

Q. Did Jim Morrison like to laugh? A. Oh yeah, he had a great sense of humor. He was a great conversationist. We would spend afternoons sitting around talking about everything under the sun, laughing and having a good time. He enjoyed good company. He enjoyed other people's ideas. He encouraged other people's ideas. He elicited them. He was a good listener. He was just a pal.

Q. What was his attitude towards women? How did he treat them? A. He was raised in the South and he had in his background a lot of the manners and style of a Southern gentleman. He would rise up from his seat when a woman entered the room. He would invariably hold a door for a woman. He would always let a woman walk before him. He had all those traits of good manners. And then he was very discreet about the women he dated. He never told macho stories, like boy you should see what I did with her or anything like that. He never even mentioned names. He was so careful about that kind of thing. Virtually any woman who was anywhere near him adored him because he was so kind and considerate. Of course, he looked great too, so women fell head over heels in love with him immediately.

Q. Bill Siddons, who was the Doors road manager, remarked that Jim was "always testing death". He took everything to the extreme. Is that fact or fiction? A. That's probably fairly true. He was a non-stop kind of human being. I don't know how to really explain it, except to say that he lived as fully as he could in the present moment. He wasn't one to think about the future very much.

Q. Jim's death is surrounded by mystery and controversy. No autopsy was done. His death was reported six days after it happened. Many people didn't even see the body. Is there a possibility that Jim Morrison is still alive somewhere, living under an assumed name? A. It would be nice to entertain that illusion. Being a close friend, I would love to think of him as being alive, but my feeling is, that he was such an extraordinary human being, so unlike anyone I'd ever met, he had so many talents, he was such an extrovert, that it would be hard to disguise those talents. Even if he assumed a different name and identity, he would still somehow show up in the media somewhere. We're talking about ten, eleven years now, and in that intervening time, I'm sure there would have been some notice of him, or some way he would have made himself known. I think he died in Paris, that Pamela his girlfriend at the time was so grief-stricken by his death; I don't think she faked that. She did see the body. She was there when he died. I've come to the conclusion that he is dead and buried in Paris.

Q. Pamela died of a heroin overdose in 1974. Is there anybody alive today who saw Jim's body? A. Well, I don't know. I would like to know too. They did have a friend in Paris who was sort of a secretary to both Jim and Pamela, and I don't know what happened to her. Apparently, she would've seen the body. But, I've never known anybody who's known her. There's a Frenchman who lives in Los Angeles who was there in Paris. Whether or not he saw the body, I don't know. I do know he was at the grave when Jim was buried. There's a French film director who was also in Paris and a friend of Jim's at that time. Whether or not she saw the body, I don't know. I did see a death certificate from a French doctor which stated the cause of death, and it was officially stamped. Of course, that could've been forged too. I have not talked to anyone, ever, who saw Jim's body after he had died.

Q. So, the mystery goes on. A. Absolutely. And I think the mystery is cause for a lot of people to cling to the notion that he might still be alive. I don't want to dissuade people from that, if that's what they need. For my own self, I've come to the conclusion that it's more healthy to think of Jim as not being alive, but his work being alive, his poems, his music.

Q. Don't you find it rather strange that Jim's girlfriend, Pamela, should die of a heroin overdose? A. I find it tragic. I think she was so grief-stricken, that she turned to hard drugs as a way to relive some of the grief. I think she got into a very bad crowd in Hollywood and there was nobody there to protect her after Jim died. I'm not trying to condone drug use. I don't condone it at all. In her case, she could've made a new life for herself, but in fact, I don't think she was strong enough.

Q. What did Jim Morrison mean when he said, "Give us an hour for magic"? A. You know other people's poetry is very, very hard to define. I think you limit it when you define it. In a sense it means something different to each of us. I can tell you what it means to me. Somehow, it's saying that life itself is a magical, mystical experience. I mean, you don't have to take drugs. You don't have to get far out. If you can just sit still and realize the complexity of life and the intricacy, mystery, and beauty of life, then that's magic alone. So "Give us an hour of magic", I think he was talking about, extend our life another hour or at least another day, whatever the word hour tends to mean. It can mean a day, a month or a year. But he's talking about having the privilege of being alive, and continuing to do the kind of things he does ...did.

© Gary James All Rights Reserved

http://www.famousinterview.ca/interviews/frank_lisciandro.htm

[mymarifae]

36

36. A theory you have?

i think everybody will be best friends forever. the end 🫶🏾

nah but seriously something i've been sitting on for a while is like... the feelings that vivid bad squad's sekai was born from have nothing to do with surpassing rad weekend. the four of them are definitely passionate about it and you can see reflections of that passion everywhere you look BUT. that's not what created the place.

their sekai existed before kohane even knew what rad weekend was and according to...one of the virtual singers. i think it was miku? we know that the street sekai was born from ALL of their feelings. how could she have strong enough feelings to create an entire sekai about something she had never heard ofahjfhsjdbskfjdjf. so I Think. despite them just deciding that their true feelings have to do with surpassing rad weekend because that's what made the most sense on the surface, vbs's REAL True Feelings™️ were about wanting a place to belong. this is something all four of them wanted. they were all lonely and craved deep human connections and the sense of belonging into a community. and chasing after rad weekend and immersing themselves into the specific culture of vivid street has given them just that

this is actually something i think applies to every group. they all come to this very superficial understanding of what their true feelings are and don't really look at it any deeper because it's not technically wrong. but it's not the full picture either. i think the only one that got past the initial superficial understanding of the emotions that created his seka is tsukasa. which is really funny because he's the densest motherfucker in the game

maybe that doesn't really count as a theory but i typed all of that i'm not deleting it. here's one more that's 100% an actual theory: mafuyu is going to cut his hair short. transmasc mafuyu is probably never going to be canon but i'm 70% sure we're getting this. i had a feeling before but now that we've seen his mom? yeah. he looks too much like her. part of reclaiming his individuality and separating himself from her has to be a major change to his appearance so he can see someone else when he looks in the mirror. he's going to do this he's going to be in the bathroom at 1 am with a pair of shitty scissors and he's going to hack a huge chunk of it off

[ourmuse-s]

Luisa Fischer

Writing About Music

Professor Loughridge

Due Feb. 28. 2021

Artist Interview

Eph See on Finding Her Sound, Balance and the Music Industry

     This past week I had the chance to have a FaceTime interview with Felisha Cabral, otherwise known by her stage name Eph See. A third year Music student, Eph See has been making a name for herself around the Northeastern campus, with tracks such as “Field Recordings”, “Body” and “April”. We sat down together (virtually) to talk about the singer-songwriter’s processes, past and upcoming projects, as well as what it’s like to be a female and non-binary artist in the music industry.

When and how did you first start getting into music?

Music… I feel like every artist says this but music has always been a pretty prominent part of my life. Yeah, I remember doing theatre and choir and stuff since like elementary school and it just continued and continued. I did that throughout middle and high school as well but it wasn’t until I got to high school… we had something that was called Jazz Combo - we never really played jazz - but it was like rock band essentially and I was a vocalist for it and that got me into performing and I was like ugh it’s so cool to be able to you know sing all these songs in front of audiences and stuff even though it was like friends and family… but I really liked that. And then I started writing my own music seriously probably around freshman year of high school. I was a very musical person. If someone said something like a line that was stuck in my head I would just start singing it… I was definitely that kid. But yeah, I remember writing my first song ever ever, that I performed, when I was I think ten or eleven years old? And it was at summer camp and I got all the counselors to sing it with me as well as my backup singers. Oh my God it was sooo dramatic, but that’s the first thing I remember, like writing a song and performing it for people... and I guess here I am now!

What’s the first song you remember writing and really liking?

Okay that’s easy! That was a song I wrote at fifteen called “The Shelf”. It’s a song about unrequited love but someone that always comes back to you, I guess, because you’re there. And the whole premise is like “I’ll just stick to being another book you put back on the shelf and take down when you want”. I was fifteen, I don’t know what I was thinking… Like what was I feeling, what was I going through?

It’s funny that a high school crush as a fifteen year old can turn into a song like that…Did you ever end up recording it?

No. But I did perform it in front of my grade. That was the second time I performed an original song just me and my guitar and I performed it at school. I was like… pretty bold back then, which is kind of cool but also looking back at it I felt bold but during the performance I was so nervous.

Do you still get nervous when you’re performing today?

Oh yeah, all the time, but I think it’s just because I care. I want to do well and I want to connect. It’s less so about looking good or not messing up now… that used to be my fear. But now it’s, you know, what did I write this song for? To help other people and to help myself. And if I can do that well, I care a lot about it and when you care a lot about something, that can become nerves.

Yeah that makes a lot of sense… It’s funny because you seem like you’re a real natural at it.

Thank you! It definitely took time. But that’s another thing I forgot to mention, I did acapella for a while and that was a lot of performing very consistently.

And probably a lot of pressure too.

Oh yeah, especially with some of the crowds that we got. We did like a competition too, I remember my first year second semester in that group, we did do a competition and that was… terrifying. But we won and the feeling after that was insane.  

Do you think you like performing in group settings (like with Acapella) more or when it’s just you and your music?

Mmmmmm… That’s a great question.

I love performing my own stuff, but I always love being with other people. I know for me community is such a big thing and I love people that I can create with consistently. Maybe it’s just me but it’s easier for me to create and be vulnerable with people that I trust and if I’ve worked with you a lot then we have built that sense of trust.  I’ve always - still do - wanted to be in a band and everything, so I definitely see myself being someone who has a touring band that stays pretty consistent or people that I make music or write with pretty consistently. Or even if I work with a producer I’m probably going to keep my circle pretty small and just work with the same people.

Are you looking to form a band or have you taken any action to start one?

I haven’t… you’re calling me out… I think for me it’s just that some things should come together organically and I have tried posting on NeuGigs because I wanted specifically a band of women or non-gender conforming people because I already have to work with so many cis white men and it’s just not the vibe anymore. So definitely non-men, or non-men of color that I relate to more and I’m able to be more vulnerable and open and free with those kinds of people and that’s what I want out of my experience with a band. So, I definitely could do more to find those people but…

But I feel like you’re doing really well as a solo artist right now too.

Yeah. Yeah, that’s true too. I just found this band the other day called Hard Car Kids and I was like wow these voices all sound so familiar. Then I realized they were a bunch of little artists that I listen to who are friends and they made a band so I was like ugh that’d be sick. Something like that.

That’s so true, I love it when bands are all solo artists or have their own side projects. That way you can see different sides to each of them and sometimes the music they make as a band vs the music they make on their own is so different.

Yeah, I think it definitely allows for artists to have more creativity. Because you’ll find that everyone will tell you “Stick to one genre so you can be more marketable!”. With this one producer I’m working with right now, I’ve made six different songs… none of them sound anything like each other. But I think that it’s so good to get that stuff out because that’s kind of what writer’s block is. When you’re not allowing yourself to get everything out or only letting certain things out then of course you’re gonna have blockages because you’re not fully allowing yourself to create. I found that’s what I was going through a little while ago, and then we [producer + Eph See] started working together and now it just comes more naturally because I’m like okay anything that comes out I’m gonna let come out. Instead of only releasing things that would be good as singles because that just kills your creativity.

That’s so true. I think that you have to write some bad songs or ones you don’t love to eventually get to the ones that you’re really excited about. You have to lay the groundwork and get everything you’re feeling out into the world so you can move on and then get the songs you love.

I could talk all day about the pressure that capitalism puts on artists. Like only releasing “good” music… what is that? Good to who? What is the criteria? You know we can’t all write “Driver’s License” so. And when you look back, this is something I went through in quarantine, you know early shut-down - I was forced into a lot of alone time and I’m living alone now - well I don’t want to say forced because I benefited from it. But going through that and having to really see who I am when I’m not trying to be somebody for somebody else has reflected in my music. It’s gotten more honest. Instead of just writing about love all the time - because what is that? - I’ve been writing more about things like childhood and growing up, self expression and exploration.

Especially as a femme artist everyone expects you to write about love and heartbreak. But, there’s so much more to me than that. So I definitely had to let go of the pressure to only release like billboard charting songs because I want to look back at my discography and see growth. You know what I mean? And it’s not that my songs are bad now, but there’s going to be an evolution when you look at my discography. Like Ariana Grande’s Yours Truly and Positions sound nothing alike but they’re still great and I love being able to see her trajectory.

And to see how an artist grows after a couple projects.

And life! Like life changes you and that’s the whole point!

Exactly! Because sometimes you are in the mood to write a love song but… that’s not all there is to life.

There’s so much more.

And because it’s the main topic of most songs, especially for female artists, I feel like it’s easy to get caught up in that.

Right.

You recently came out with “Body” on Spotify, but do you have any other recent projects you’ve put out?

So “Body” was my latest Spotify release, but in December on New Year’s Eve I released a song called “April” on Soundcloud. Sometimes I just like to put stuff on Soundcloud… not as much as I should probably. One of my songs on there, “The Things I used to care about seem to stupid now”, has started to gain likes and plays again which is really cool to see.

...But it’s actually so true like the things I used to care about do seem so stupid now. But I wrote that last March so it’s about to come up on its one year anniversary and I still feel that way so I think it’s a song that will definitely age well with time which makes me very proud. In the comments there’s people really relating to it and that’s what makes me really happy because I think that was one of the most honest songs I’ve ever written. And it wasn’t easy to write because it was very vulnerable but it just shows that it’s worth it because I feel like the more vulnerable you are, the more people are drawn to it. It gives other people permission to feel that as well and to go that deep.

That’s a really good way of putting it. So how did you go about writing a song that’s really and intimate and how did you come up with the idea for that song specifically?

So that song was kind of funny because I just tweeted “I feel like writing an indie song right now” and people were like “well don’t just not do it then”. So then I did! I wrote it in like six hours. Wrote it, recorded it, produced it, mixed it all in six hours and then just posted it to SoundCloud and… Wow I’m actually getting kind of, I don’t want to say emotional but the way it all happened was so just on a whim and it’s the most streamed song on my SoundCloud. I just had a guitar riff that I played and then it just kind of flowed. But the first line is “lately I’ve been feeling like my past self is slowly peeling away” so I was dealing with a lot of identity issues. Two years ago in November I had what people would call a mental breakdown and it was really scary but needed. I think sometimes people think about mental breakdowns in a very nutcase kind of way but what a mental breakdown really is is the way you’ve been living your life or viewing the world or viewing yourself… your soul is just like “this is not it anymore and we can’t go on thinking about life like this or acting like this or being like this”. So then it’s like okay, purge, total recall, burn it all to the ground. You feel really raw for a bit but then slowly you start to reevaluate and piece things together in a way that fits better.

… That’s a bar. I’m gonna write that down. “Piece things together in a way that fits better”.

That’s another thing, I have a lyric dump so I just put anything there.

On your phone and on your laptop?

Mhm *as she’s typing away*

A lot of my songs are just like stitches from my lyric dump.

So, do you think that [“the things I used to care about seem so stupid now”] is your favorite song, or what would you say is your favorite song you’ve released?

Hmmm… Yeah!

I think… ooh… that’s a really good question. I think it’s the most authentic and most cathartic song that I have released but “Field Recordings” was probably my favorite writing process and releasing process.

I definitely want to release more music but I also have to honor the fact that  I’m very much in my own winter season right now. But spring is coming. My life follows the seasons. Fall is all about releasing what you don’t need. Winter is, humans don’t hibernate, but I feel like… well let me not generalize. I don’t hibernate but in the winter time the world is telling me to slow down. Because when spring comes and you’re gonna have all these ideas and all of this stuff that you’re gonna want to do but you need to recharge first. And then summer is like, okay, bask in all the glory!

I get a lot of sunlight from my windows, like so much natural light in my apartment, as well as the view of the moon right outside my window.

I feel like that’s very on brand for you.

Oh my God, it is!

I was thinking about it yesterday and the universe really snapped. But yeah, I have all of these windows, just drinking tea, and I felt like a cat that just sprawls out in the sun. I was trying to get the sunlight all over my body, like my back and I was thinking how these parts of my skin have not felt the sun for so long so I need to soak it all in while I can. But spring is coming!

Do you have any songs on the backburner that you’re planning on releasing anytime soon?

Yeah. It’s about getting into recording and stuff but I’ve been working with the producer that I’ve really enjoyed working with. The only thing is my writing has been all over the place, in all different genres. So I might just set the precedent for anyone who listens to my music that if you listen to me you’re gonna get seven different things at once. And that’s okay. I know there’s a lot of people out there who listen to all different kinds of music. So it may not be as marketable, but I can be your one stop shop!

I also hate the idea of having to make only one type or genre of music. I feel like artists should just be able to write and go with how they’re feeling, and do a bunch of different things.

Yeah and you should be able to! There’s so much emphasis on marketability but how cool would it be to look at it in a different way like you do so much let’s show that. Because that will draw so many people to you. I just think sometimes marketing is really backwards.

Sometimes it feels like nowadays music is just based on how marketable it is.

I feel like there were people in the past that I’ve worked with and before I even wrote the song we were discussing marketing tactics. And that just made me not want to write the song because it gives you so much anxiety like this has to complete this and do this and that before it’s even, you know, been born. And I think again, with the whole killing an artist’s creativity, I do think there’s a beauty in wanting to do what you love as your job. I think everyone who wants to make music should be able to do that and survive. But there’s this whole system like you’re either a superstar and you’re rich or you’re starving.

And that alone, that fear, of putting all your work and energy and time and love into a project and not receiving anything from it… it’s criminal in my opinion. It doesn’t just kill your creativity. It kills your will and your love for music. That’s what I was just going through. I was focusing so much on release, release, release that I was like I don’t even want to do this anymore. Do I even want to do music? That’s so crazy. Music will always be part of my life, but that mindset made me question it.

So when you’re writing your music, are there any artists who influence you the most?

I grew up listening to all different kinds of music so let me look at my playlist… There’s an artist that I just discovered. I was scrolling through Tik Tok and they were singing and it was so beautiful. They’re name is Leith Ross, let me text it to you. I’ll actually text you the track, because it’s so good. But basically I’ve been listening to a lot of artists where their music is more conversational or more personal and raw. So even if I don’t directly relate to that experience, hearing them talk about what they’ve been going through, again is that idea of it’s okay to feel this and if this is what you’re going through, you’re not the only one.

I feel like you hear so much of this idea of I partied until 3am last night and now I don’t remember my name! Or I have all this money and I don’t know what to do with it! And in this world, especially right now, it’s just not relatable and it can give people an unrealistic world view and then they get dissatisfied with their own lives like “I’m not clubbing on a Tuesday night so I must be doing something wrong”. But I’ve seen this kind of revolution, of people romanticizing mondanity and the little things in life. And we’re shifting from instagram baddie culture to just I am who I am and I love that. I’m just in my little house, cooking my little things, but life is great! So that’s what I’ve been drifting towards.

Lizzie McAlpine is a really great example of that, and obviously I listen to songs like SZA and Frank Ocean, Chloe and Hally I’ve been listening to a lot. Also a lot of Arlo Parks and Hayley Williams also just dropped an album. So that’s what I’ve been listening to now, but if you want to make this a point then I can literally bop to almost anything. I would say expect country, but I like Kacey Muscgraves. But yeah, I listen to a lot. I think listening to a lot of music helps me write better music.

What’s the best advice that you’ve been given as an artist or do you have any advice that you would give a smaller or DIY artist just starting out?

I think it’s what we’ve been talking about.

It’s good to remember that just because you’re not famous now does not mean you’re not deserving of love and praise. Sometimes it’s just about the right person hearing your music and maybe not every song is meant to have a billion streams but I guarantee you, the right people will find it. And maybe someone who is really struggling heard your song and it made life a little more okay. We never know, but I think it’s better to think about it that way. Because the fact that you’re creating at all is really cool. Nobody can make what you make, so it’s like your duty to create.  

[sinceileftyoublog]

Pygmalion Festival Preview: 9/24-9/26

BY JORDAN MAINZER

When it became clear in May that the beloved Champaign-Urbana festival Pygmalion wasn’t going to happen regularly, founder Seth Fein refused to simply do nothing. He also refused to settle for the same nostalgic, corporate-sponsored bullshit that other festivals have decided to do, usually a combination of “archival” material discoverable through a YouTube search and low-quality acoustic performances from basements. Instead, Fein took what he could from the more unusual aspects of the planned Pygmalion lineup and did what would have been unthinkable a year ago: curate a virtual festival with no live music. A mixture of timely roundtable discussions, podcasts, table readings, a hackathon, a virtual escape room, and a Zoom version of the festival’s Human Library (“checking out” a person to tell you a story), the pay-what-you-want festival will be unlike any other not only in Pygmalion’s history but in the history of streamed entertainment so far. The action kicks off today at 4 PM CST and runs through Saturday at midnight.

I spoke with Fein over the phone earlier this month to talk about this year’s festival: how it came to be, curating a socially conscious, diverse lineup, what he’s looking forward to, and the sustainability of the virtual festival model. Highlights for the weekend NOT mentioned in our conversation below include Dan Savage discussing the documentary film Jimmy in Saigon, Headlines We Would Have Written featuring writers from the newly-formed sports blog Defector, and as-yet-announced material with the likes of Japanese Breakfast’s Michelle Zauner and Algiers’ Franklin James Fisher. Read on, catch the fest, and if you can, donate to the fest, with proceeds going to charities like UNCF and NIVA.

Since I Left You: At what point did you decide to go the route you did with Pygmalion?

Seth Fein: I’d say the middle of May is when my partner Patrick [Singer] and I had enough discussions with sponsors and enough discussions with people in our creative space where we were like, “You know what? I think we should do something.” I’m just not good at doing nothing. I don’t do well with idle time at all. Because it became apparent that our sponsors--not all, but most--were willing to continue to support what we do, we were like, “Let’s do it! Let’s use this as a laboratory to experiment to see what we can create inside of this fucked up moment.” It was pretty inspiring. It’s ironic for me personally because we’ve always resisted doing an online streaming component of Pygmalion. I’m kind of a purist, partially because of my age, partially because of my historical pedigree as a performer in a band. I never wanted to do streaming anything. Every year, we’d just reject companies that would come to us offering to set up cameras and sell tickets all over the world. They’d be like, “It’s no cost to you, you’re just gonna make money!” I’d be like, “Nah. I don’t wanna do that.” I kind of want to preserve the idea of the moment. When you’re there for a show, you want to be able to think back and say, “I was at that show! I was with people and had a human moment.” 

The pandemic has forced me out of that space, and I’m glad. I think that as we get older, we become stuck in particular identities, and nobody is immune to that. Now, I have friends in L.A. and in Tokyo who are like, “I can’t wait!” They get to be a part of it. My best friend from 1st grade is super excited about the programming, and he lives in Tokyo. He’d never in a million years be able to come to Pygmalion. This year he gets to be a part of it, so that’s pretty exciting.

SILY: You’re also finding a way to stand out among the livestreams. There are zero traditional livestreamed performances in this fest. How did you come up with the components of the fest this year?

SF: A combination of recognizing that I already had stream fatigue and Zoom fatigue, even in the middle of May. In order for this to be a compelling program, we were gonna have to create new content you wouldn’t be able to Google search, where you can be like, “Okay, I wanna see this band perform these songs,” which generally you can do, by and large. Almost every band with any amount of popularity has something you can watch, whether that’s free or you can purchase it. It’s available to you. We didn’t want to replicate anything that was available. 

The other thing that was different from getting baked, staying up late, wondering about my life, envisioning a new future, I really just felt like as a promoter, I’m always very conscientious about what my role is in an artist’s professional engagement. How and why am I earning my percentage of the money? In a traditional sense, there are a lot of reasons: setting up personnel to create the show, hiring the correct sound engineer to be able to run a professional show. There is value in a promoter. But in this particular moment, I’m not so sure I’m needed for a band who is struggling to do a streaming set. They can do that themselves and retain 100% of those profits, and I want them to. If we’re gonna come to artists, authors, or speakers, we’re going to want to present something curated that’s unique and interesting and an opportunity for them to do something they haven’t otherwise thought of. That’s where the programming is coming from: What can we do as promoters to create space for new and unique content that fans and the audience will be interested in?

SILY: What percentage of people taking part in this were on the original planned lineup for this year?

SF: Not a ton. When COVID struck, we weren’t that deep, although what we had was awesome. [laughs] We were in such a good position. We’ve been doing this for quite a long time--it’s one of the oldest events in the country of this kind. Since 2005. Some years are better than others. Some years you just get lucky. It’s never been bad, but some years don’t hit. This year was gonna be fucking great. The artists we had confirmed for live music, we tried to incorporate them in some sort of meaningful way. The one we retained and were able to pivot on was working with the cast of Napoleon Dynamite [for a table reading], which we thought was a fun event we could incorporate in the livestream. We love the movie, we think it’s a wonderful anti-hero tale that speaks to a lot of Middle America. We were able to pivot with them pretty quickly and get them to agree to do a virtual thing. Outside of that, we had to reconstruct the entire thing: the programming, the identity. It actually surprisingly took a lot more work than we thought it was going to. But again: idle time, no good.

SILY: You decided the direction to take in May. Later that month, there were protests surrounding the murder of George Floyd and an awakening among people who weren’t really paying attention before to structural racism. A lot of that conscientiousness seems to be reflected in the programming. To what extent were you reactive to the moment in planning the fest?

SF: We’ve been pretty thoughtful about how we’re programming for a number of years now. If you go back and look at the scope of the programming over the course of 15 years, you’ll see it start to shift around 2015, 2016 in particular, and then a better and more diverse direction in 2017. Part of the problem I personally had as the founder and programmer of Pygmalion early on is I’ve always been a really big believer in presenting what you know and love so that you’re not caught trying to be a poser. I don’t know that I’m always the best person to present hip hop, jazz, or country music. I do like that music, but I was always a British rock and indie rock kid. My favorite bands are XTC and Tears For Fears, Pink Floyd, INXS...Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins. That’s what I was into. The music my bands played reflected those, and when I became a promoter, I was interested in promoting that type of music. I was passionate about it, and I wanted to share that with people. 

At some point, you have to stop thinking of yourself and start thinking about your audience. That’s a growing problem, and it’s painful to recognize you haven’t done right by what you should have been doing. You take it, and instead of pouting about it, you change your program. We’ve been doing that pretty significantly over the past 3-4 years. [Independent of] the re-inspired Black Lives Matters movement, as sad as the circumstances surrounding it are, we were always going to be booking a diverse lineup. But it’s a stark reminder. You hate for these things to be on display because somebody’s life was lost and communities were broken. It feels helpless. How is this still fucking happening? What is stopping people from affecting change? There are answers to that, individually, personally inside of our company. 

Now, we feel pretty enlightened that our festival has promoters inside of a community like Champaign-Urbana, or anywhere, to create a diverse and broad array of art. That’s my and Patrick’s personal take. You become a better listener when you start pushing what people want to see instead of what you’re passionate about promoting. That’s part of the growing process, and I’m grateful for anybody who’s ever challenged me in the past to be like, “Yo. These bands are cool, but it’s too fucking white!” You listen, and you either pay attention and respond or are stuck in a cyclical act of denial, and I didn’t want to be in that place.

SILY: What’s cool about the program is that there are things that have existed in the livestream format before that people are familiar with--roundtable discussions, talks, readings--but there are a few things that jump out as unique, like the virtual escape room with Sudan Archives.

SF: It’s still being built. One of the things we wanted to do was create new content and be playful with our programming. How can we be presenters and offer our audience an opportunity to engage and interact in a way they wouldn’t normally do? We have a lot of talented people in Champaign-Urbana, despite being a small city, due to the University of Illinois being here. Two people [we know] who were videographers and also had jobs at the University of Illinois, creative people, said, “Fuck it,” quit their jobs, and became escape room designers. Their escape rooms are just phenomenal. They’re mind-bending. I suck at this stuff. Every time I go, I go with people far smarter than me because I’d lose every time. But I’m always amazed by all these intricate ways they’ve been able to build in these puzzle pieces. It’s crazy!

We approached [the escape room designers]. We receive a grant from a public arts program for the festival, and traditionally, you have to spend that money on artists and production inside downtown Urbana in order to stimulate the economy. This year with the pandemic, we’re not doing anything live because we fundamentally don’t believe we’re in the position to be doing that. In discussion with the commission, we asked, “How can we spend money on a virtual event but still honor the spirit of the agreement?” We proposed the idea that we would hire a local downtown Urbana business to work with us, and [the commission] thought it was a great idea. [The escape room designers] are able to do some live escape rooms, but it’s truncated, so they accepted our proposal.

Our idea was then: How do we incorporate a music element or an author or someone with a significant pedigree to be part of the game? I had been speaking with my friend Ali Hedrick, who is an amazing agent who has been doing it for 25 years, and she proposed Sudan Archives, who I was familiar with and really liked. The game designers incorporated her music and her instrument, the violin, into the game. While I can’t speak to the specifics yet, because I haven’t played the game, I have a lot of faith in the two of them as creators, and I expect it to be really unique and engaging. It’ll be a situation where 6 people play on Zoom on teams that are randomly put together, so you’re not friends with everyone. You kind of have to have a new experience and work together with people you may not know. There will be a human avatar that will do the escape room for you in these different locations. You’ll be instructing them what to do.

One of the things I’ve been having to come to terms with is that people who are behaving properly, which is to say that you’re not spreading the virus, you’re doing a lot of staying at home and engaging with people through your computers and your phones. The way we’re entertained is different right now, and it will forever be different. This just accelerates where we were going. Now, we have to find a new space for artistic output to enjoy our lives. This is something that people already into this type of stuff will enjoy. The fact that it’s free will make it more enjoyable. The fact that we have sponsorship to pay for the production of this game to be able to offer to it for people for no cost is very exciting, and you hope that people who are of enough means see that it’s a free thing and donate to the charities we’re hoping to raise money for.

SILY: As much as something like a virtual festival is the logical accelerated next step, it’s not a replacement or designed to replace the live festival experience. That said, The Human Library intrigued me. After a Guided By Voices livestream earlier this year, my girlfriend and I were calling out into the Zoom void to see if anybody random wanted to hang out virtually. The Human Library seems to be a nice replacement for what we were looking for, which is randomly bumping into someone you don’t know at a show or festival and hitting it off with them.

SF: The Human Library is such a unique project. We’ve done it for 5-6 years now and have of course done it live in the past. We work with the University of Illinois University Library, who is the local partner. If you’ve ever done it, you’re essentially checking out a book, but the book is a human being. The human being sits down with another human being, and they tell you a story. You can ask questions. Some are choose your own adventure, some are a little more direct, but you walk away with a story. It’s remarkably engaging. There are things that don’t lend themselves well to the virtual space at all, and there are things that do. I think that this is one of the things that does. If I was to tell you a story, we could jump on Zoom together, and provided you weren’t clicking around the internet while I’m talking, we could focus on our Zoom conversation. It’s gonna be a pretty intimate discussion. It’s just me and you with headphones on, looking at each other, through the screen. It provides a lot of opportunities for intimacy and human connection. When we first started analyzing, “What can we take from what we’ve done in the past and try to create a new space for it in the virtual realm?” that was a no-brainer. In the end, people have been telling each other a lot of stories over Zoom in the pandemic era. This is just an extension of that.

SILY: Is there something in the program you’re most excited for?

SF: Quite a bit. I’m a huge fan of Ilana Glazer. I think Broad City is the best sitcom of the last decade. I think what she’s doing with civic engagement right now is important. We were really grateful for the opportunity to book and confirm here and have her do a Generator, where she speaks with people inside of politics to inspire people to not sit this one out. This is a pretty important election. I’m pretty excited to have her present inside the work we’re doing. I’m also excited with what we’re doing with Worst Show Ever, which is gonna be two episodes, 7 guests, and a moderator, my new friend Nabil Ayers, who is a journalist and U.S. label manager at 4AD. He really liked the idea, and the two of us have been working on this for a couple months now and finally have our 7-person collection of artists, authors, and musicians to tell each other about the worst show [they’ve ever played]. We just got done this week doing a pre-filming interview with each of them, and there are some great stories. It’ll be fun to watch them interact and engage. I’m excited to see how that works out. I’m also very excited about the Minecraft Open Pit thing. I don’t play it, but my nephews do, and I know enough that it reminds me of video games from my childhood. They’re going to build an upside-down version of our arena in Champaign-Urbana, Assembly Hall, which is a remarkable piece of architecture that was designed by Max Abramovitz, who is a University of Illinois graduate but one of the more well-known architects of the 20th century. That will be fun to see the virtual space come together.

SILY: To what extent do you see this virtual festival as a sustainable model going forward, whether instead of or in conjunction with in-person festivals?

SF: I don’t totally know. I think eventually, the digital realm will supplant the live experience. I don’t know that I’m going to live to see it totally, but I definitely think there’s going to be a hybridization, and I definitely think there will be room for both. The idea that you live in a different part of a country or different part of the world and there’s something you want to see but can’t afford to get there to see it, I think that has quite a bit of potential. But I don’t see them as the same thing. I think it’s like how you eat food. You can eat this or that, it’s the same item, but it’s done in a different way and served in a different space. I think there will be room for both.

For us, personally, I’m going to always default to doing live events because I believe in the power of being together and having shared experiences. I think it’s the only way we find commonalities. Humans are social creatures. Even the most introverted person in the world generally needs people--just not a lot. I think there will always be innovation that provides opportunity for artists and presenters to try to create something out of nothing. The augmented and virtual reality will continue to develop and become more commonplace and be a piece of the market that’s not so foreign to most people. I think that will be accelerated even further. The idea of an iPod used to be so crazy. Within a few years, everybody had music on their phones. That’ll happen too with virtual reality as technology becomes more affordable and ubiquitous. I think there will be a lot of movement once that becomes more common, whereas right now, looking into a two-dimensional stream and watching a concert is one thing. Putting on virtual or augmented reality equipment and stepping inside a virtual space is probably a much more compelling and sensational opportunity for a person. My experiences with virtual reality have been mesmerizing, and we’re certainly fairly new as to where that goes. It could go in a lot of different directions. There will be room for people to capitalize in it. 

I’m always hungry to get back into live rock and hip hop on stage and letting people dance, hopefully finding themselves in trouble, but not too much trouble, if you know what I mean.

[dontshootmespence]

Small Town Girl Meets Big City Boy

A/N: A request from my AO3 where Spencer is dating the reader, a famous singer, without the team’s knowledge. Before they started dating, the reader had a scandal of sorts. (she was hacked by a douchey ex and her naked pics were released.) When the team finds out, they are more than a little surprised, but of course supportive. @coveofmemories @sexualemobitch @jamiemelyn @unstoppableangel8 @iammostdefinitelyonfire26 @hogwarts-konoha

                                                              ----

How did they manage this? 

Every single weekend, Spencer disguised himself as a friend of Y/N’s and spent the weekend there, going undercover once again when it came time to leave and go back to work. With a home base in DC, it was thankfully easy for the two of them to meet every weekend.

If someone had asked Spencer if he would’ve been dating a famous singer even a year ago he would’ve mocked whoever said it, but here he was, staring out the window with his sunglasses on checking to see how many paparazzi had camped outside her place this weekend.

Y/N Y/L/N was one of the world’s most famous singers - America’s sweetheart, insanely talented with a heart of gold and voice to match. How did they manage this was one question. Another was how the fuck had Dr. Spencer Reid of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit find himself dating the most sought after singer in the country - arguably the world.

Happenstance. 

One night, three months earlier, he’d had a bad case and she’d been desperate for time away from “her people,” so they’d ended up at the same bar. Without knowing who she was, he’d approached her, said she looked sad and offered to buy her a drink. They went for an entire two hours talking about anything from their childhoods to their favorite movies before she’d said who she was and he’d recognized the name. The rest had been history. Small town girl meets big city boy.

As he looked out the window once again, noticing nearly 25 paparazzi, he turned to her and let the blinds float closed. “How do you deal with this?” He asked incredulously.

“I tell myself every morning that I get to sing music that I wrote and people enjoy it, and I try to forget about the fact that I have people outside my house who are basically waiting for me to do something stupid or scandalous so they can catch it on camera.” She huffed and puffed as she walked to the kitchen and took a sip of her coffee. Her sunglasses rested comfortable on top of her head. The flowing black skirt and graphic tee loosely hugging her frame. While he was off to the BAU, she was off to the studio as she was in the midst of recording a new album. 

Neither one of them were in a hurry to expose their relationship. Though they were comfortable enough to let friends and family know, the likelihood of their relationship going public at that point was something neither of them wanted. For her, she didn’t want the paparazzi hounding him at every turn. The moment they were outed as a couple, he would be questioned left and right about what it was like to date “Y/N” - the superstar. For him, she had a scandal in her past that work might not approve of. After the combustion of a bad relationship, an ex had hacked her phone and dumped all of her naked pictures out onto the Internet. She’d been so nervous telling him about what happened, but all he cared about was tracking the leak back to her ex and putting him away for what he’d put her through - she’d been a victim; there was nothing wrong with naked pictures. Either way, the Bureau as a whole might have an issue with it, and Spencer didn’t want to deal with that just yet.

“I’m sorry,” he said, crossing the kitchen and taking a sip of his coffee. It was early in the morning and they had a few minutes before chaos would ensue. “Your voice has staying power. I know I’m biased, but I’m not the only one who says it, so one of these days, you’ll have the fame of your voice only without all this bullshit. They’ll move onto someone new soon.” He gave her a soft smile as he pulled her into his shoulder, luxuriating in the weight of her leaning against him. 

A beaming smile flashed across her face. It was the kind that adorned the magazines she frequented. They only difference was that this smile was all for him. “I hope it’s sooner rather than later,” she laughed, pulling his mouth to hers for a lazy kiss before they had to leave. “You need to go.” She gave him another peck on the lips, and then another, before repeating that they both needed to leave. “I’m going out the front. They’ll come after me. That way you can sneak out the back, okay?”

Spencer nodded and walked toward the door, disguise ready to go just in case. “See you this weekend?”

“Absolutely,” she laughed. She was already exhausted with the paparazzi this week and it had barely begun. “Bye, babe.”

The second they left the house, he could here the calls of her name and the clicks of the camera from the front. He felt bad that she had to go through it alone, but as she’d said herself, it had been the life she’d chosen - some bad and awful came with the good and the great. 

Five minutes later, the subway was in view and the sound of clicking cameras was so far away. He would handle being the boyfriend of a celebrity when the time came, because even though he hadn’t told her yet, he did love her, but he couldn’t imagine dealing with all of that himself. Work would be a welcome solace. 

                                                             ----

Nearly an hour later, he was walking into work after a quiet subway ride, during which time he read a book - twice. He’d said a few words to a person or two, but otherwise the silence had pervaded his mind - and it was great. 

“Kid, really?” Morgan had his phone in his hand and a look of utter shock sprawled across his face.

Spencer looked up in confusion. “What really?” Morgan handed him the phone. A headline read, ‘Y/N dating FBI Agent - What We Know Right Now.’ Under the headline were a few sentences, identifying him, with his age and Bureau status, and a very grainy picture of him leaving her house the week prior. “Oh fuck.” He handed Morgan the phone and leaned against the wall with his head in his hands. 

Morgan wasn’t confused anymore, instead turning congratulatory. “Woah! Pretty Boy is dating a world-famous singer! How long has that been going on?” One by one the dominos fell. The entire team was a fan of Y/N, so they all saw the headline fairly quickly and came running to him, asking if it was true. 

“Yes, it’s true,” he said, when Garcia, Emily, JJ, Rossi and eventually Hotch came over and asked. “I’m seeing Y/N. Dammit, dammit, dammit.” His phone buzzed and he saw a message from her on the screen.

Baby, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how it happened.

He replied quickly.

I don’t know either. But we both knew this could happen. We’ll handle it.

She sent a happy face emoji back to him, saying how grateful she was to have someone that even if he couldn’t understand personally, he felt for her, and wouldn’t leave because of the lack of privacy. “Why didn’t you tell us?” Hotch asked.

“You as a team or the world? Because this,” he said, grabbing Morgan’s phone in exasperation, “is why!”

“Us,” Hotch said. 

Spencer sighed. “Considering you are all fans of her, I’m sure you’re aware of her slightly checkered past. I wasn’t sure how it was going to reflect on the Bureau, so I decided to wait until I was hopelessly in love with her before telling everyone. That way, I probably wouldn’t be forced to choose.” It was faulty logic. But he didn’t care. His head was spinning right now. More coffee was necessary as was an omelet from downstairs.

Hotch clasped him on the shoulder. “You should’ve told us,” he said. “But if the Bureau has an issue, I’ll talk them through it. You love her, don’t you?”

Spencer nodded and started walking to his desk. The rest of the team followed closely behind, asking all kinds of questions; he’d never felt so popular, and honestly, he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. “Three months. We met at a bar. Yes, I’ve slept with her,” he said, pointing to Garcia, Morgan and JJ respectively.  “No more questions. I need to think.”

As they walked away from his desk, he heard all of the incredulous whispers about how cool it was that Spencer was dating a celebrity. He knew what Y/N was, but he didn’t see her that way. To him, she was just the beautiful girl with a big voice from a small town outside of DC, with a loving family and two dogs she loved more than anything, even singing. 

He sat at his desk combing through every memory he had from the past three months, trying to figure out how the media had figured them out, but he couldn’t think of anything. Eventually, after questions from people he didn’t even work with, and an asshole co-worker who’d dared degrade her to his face, Spencer was finally able to get to work, only taking his phone out a couple hours later to one text message.

Spence, I know this isn’t what you signed up for, so thank you. With my past relationships, it means more than you know.

He smiled softly at the phone. This weekend, he would tell her again - in person - but for now, this felt right.

It’s not what I signed up for, true. But...I kinda love you. So it’s worth it.

A reply came back within seconds.

You kinda love me? I kinda love you too! *kissy face* You have to tell me in person this weekend.

Spencer’s fingers crossed the virtual keyboard at the speed of light.

Only 77 hours to go.

[meadowhilley]

what’s wrong with this picture

Part I: A Walk in the (Upside-Down) Park

I’ve always wanted people to like me. As far back as I can remember, though, I was never convinced they did.

Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the self-tortured speculation bit where I delve into the possible origins of my persistent insecurity. All I want to say now is that, however strong or self-assured or even arrogant I may have appeared to you over the years, what I most wanted, always, was for you to understand me, to accept me, to tell me that the person that I am is alright by you.

Then one day you did. It was three years ago. On October 30, 2014, actually, the eve of what could have been the scariest Halloween of my life. This invigorating shot in the arm came just hours before Chris and I would sit down with a team of medical experts who claimed to have discovered a relatively successful protocol for dealing with the zombie apocalypse. Little did any of us know at the time that you, my friends, had slipped me a powerful antidote the day before, one whose real effects would manifest and multiply over the months and years to come.

On that Halloween eve, in my shock at having been abruptly relegated to the ranks of the undead, I turned to Facebook. As one does. And there you were, my imagined community, ready to inoculate me against the looming horror. A motley group of friends that reflected better than anything else the complex composition of my character—character and friends I would need now more than ever. Looking to you, I realized, was the best way of looking at me. The converse, I understood, was equally true. Mirror, mirror, I began. A weird approach to fighting cancer, admittedly. An indication I’d spent too long in fairytale land as a kid. As wild-eyed Joyce Byers of Stranger Things has repeatedly insisted, “I know what this looks like!” By that, of course, she means BATSHIT CRAZY. Unless you happen to be the one who has found a way to talk with your missing son via Christmas lights. Or who feels you’ve discovered a “cure” for your disease in regularly confiding your deepest fears and greatest foibles in the world’s most public forum.

Self-reflection, I quickly discovered, can look an awful lot like an exercise in vanity, its mirror-image and near enemy.

Just as poison can serve as medicine.

Patriotism can resemble treason.

Standing up can involve taking a knee.

Abuse can masquerade as tough love.

And, if you should find yourself suddenly separated from everything you hold dear by the thin wall concealing an eerie dimension you never suspected could exist, then your frantic effort to break down that space-time barrier with an axe or whatever goddamn tool you happen to have on hand will likely appear to many concerned onlookers as the textbook sign of a nervous breakdown.

(Note my weapons of choice: a pen, a child’s fork, a pair of scissors, needle-nose pliers, lip gloss, and a few fake bullets.)

If any of my soul-searching exploits of the past three years ever struck you as exhibitionist—just the sort of self-absorbed, navel-gazing, attention-seeking, ego-driven kind of behavior that gives social media its bad name (well, that and the whole selling-out-to-the-Russians thing)—you are not alone. On many occasions, I myself came to question the methods I’d adopted and to ask what hidden motivations my sneaky subconscious might be cleverly concealing.

My closest friends and family shared these concerns, but whenever they voiced them I justified my Facebooking and blogging and memoir writing as so many means to achieving a noble and necessary end: healing.

Of course, even as I emphatically defended myself against charges of look-at-me narcissism, I was fully and uncomfortably aware of the fact that how we arrive at our destination is bound to change the very nature and outcome of the journey itself.

Social media can have a terrifically corrosive power. We know this. Evidence that these platforms can fracture and divide our community more than they unite us is everywhere apparent. Many social scientists have taken to the soapbox of late, screaming that our devices have made zombies of us all, preaching that the end of the world is nigh, and offering statistics to back their claims.

Showing up regularly in such a fraught virtual environment was a risky proposition, I knew, being all too aware of our susceptibility as humans to the lure of likes, the intoxicating effects of flattery, and the tendency to get greedy and hoard the sort of social capital such attention bestows. Hip to all this, I was a bit like Will Byers, understanding that, even if my initial intention was to use my insight to spy on the Shadow Monster in the hope of defeating it, I could easily end up a double agent in the employ of pure evil.

But whatever. It didn’t seem to matter how often I flipped the perspective switch during those internal debates about the advisability of “performative self-examination,” as I’d come to think of it. I always found myself coming back here, to this massive virtual theater, and awkwardly uttering “Ahem” to get your attention.

Driving my actions was something far more powerful than what the visible world was willing to reveal. Like Joyce, I felt what I felt. I knew what I knew. This was a salvage operation; at stake was not only the rebuilding of my body but the redemption of my soul. To hell with what it looked like. Just sell me the fucking Christmas lights, Donald. And yes, I mean on credit.

There’s something seriously wrong with me, I began by admitting to us all three years ago. And to the public confession that I was harboring a horrifying thing at my core, you responded with 162 likes, 146 comments, and 24 shares, which combined told me what I’d always secretly hoped to hear: that you liked me anyway, that some of you even loved me, and that you cared whether I lived or died.

It was a glorious and strange occasion, like attending my own funeral. Announcing my diagnosis helped us all dump our inhibitions in a screw it, let’s hug sort of way. Within the space of an instant I received this rare and beautiful gift: learning how you felt about me without having to die first.

Everyone should be so lucky. Seriously.

You and I wanted to have a moment, right then and there, while it was still possible. We felt compelled and instinctively driven to enact a basic human transaction at the brink, for our mutual benefit. What we had to figure out were the terms of our trade.

Conventional wisdom says cancer patients need casseroles. While my kids thank those of you who cooked to show you cared over the six-month period when I found even the taste of water overpowering and insufferable, what I most wanted for myself was something very different, and really hard to ask for: an audience.

Hard because, if asking for pretty much anything is awkward, it can be downright mortifying to walk up to the mic and announce, “May I have your attention, please? I have something very worthwhile and important to say.”

Especially for a 5’2” female who indulges in self-doubt the way that others devour a pint of ice cream (ok, I do that, too). Inviting you to read along as I muddled through some early responses to The Big Questions, I was always excruciatingly aware of the bigness of my ask. Time is precious, after all, and far greater voices than mine constantly compete for your attention. But there was so much I wanted to tell you. So much, in fact, that I was dying to tell you.

However lovely the intentions behind donated comfort food, forcing myself to enjoy it in the context of my cancer felt a lot like roasting marshmallows while my house was burning, to be perfectly honest. Every one of my instincts was fully engaged in the all-consuming survival effort, and there was a clear consensus among those deep and shrill interior voices that, if my existence was to mean anything at all to this world, I needed to express myself 1.) immediately and continuously, 2.) to the exclusion of many other worthy pursuits, 3.) within hearing range of an audience, 4.) without any hope of reward beyond simply being heard.

Here’s something you may have figured out about me by now: I am no good at playing the part of Helpless Cancer Victim. No more than I can pull off the role of Classroom Party Mom. “Don’t count on me for cupcakes,” I recently explained to my daughter’s first-grade teacher. “But hey, if you’re open to some curriculum enhancement, I’ll bake you up a big batch.”

Please understand: this is not me acting all smarty-pants, holier-than-thou, self-righteous, proud-to-a-fault, or ungrateful for your concrete aid when I was at my lowest. This is not me judging all of those compromised folks who legitimately need casseroles, or even those who are getting on just fine but would like to enjoy a steaming bowl of consolation without a side dish of complicated, thank you very much. Nor is this me looking down my nose at the phenomenal cupcake bakers of this world who brighten our kids’ days (I love you ladies for all you do—and yes, it’s almost exclusively ladies who do this very important work). It is simply a matter of me knowing me. Of me understanding that the best of what I have to offer is something far less comforting than casseroles or cupcakes, but just as important.

For the better part of my life, most folks haven’t known what to make of me. Like Carla Bruni, “je suis excessive” by nature. I was always too much for people. Too intense. Too far out there. Too eclectic. Too intimidating. Too earnest. Too touche-à-tout (all-over-the-place). Too outspoken. The proof? I just compared myself to Carla Bruni, France’s perfectly bilingual supermodel, actress, singer songwriter, and former First Lady. Who does that?

I’ll tell you who: the sort of person who has been looked at askance, questioned, criticized, and reined in all her life for expressing this brand of intolerable excess.

Someone should really take you down a peg or two, I’ve heard more than once.

You think you’re so great.

On whose authority do you make such claims?

Goody-goody!

Who do you think you are?

Can’t you just focus on one thing at a time?

Stop pointing your finger at me!

What makes you think you have something worthwhile to share?

How about you just shut up already and give someone else a chance to talk?

None of which felt good. If those voices had it right, I’d be forced to conclude there was something seriously wrong with me. The prospect of approaching life in a fundamentally different way would necessarily mean fighting the wild nature even my name told me I was meant to embody.

But still the voices persisted. Which is likely what led to my most valiant effort at shutting myself up: a 13-year relationship in which I was actively discouraged from expressing myself in almost every way imaginable.

Then the most amazing thing happened: I got cancer!

Again, an admittedly excessive thing to do. Not something I’d exactly gone and signed up for. But I’ll be damned if this illness wasn’t the perfect antidote to my lifelong alienation problem.

Suddenly, nobody begrudged me my excesses. No one wanted to be in my shoes. Nobody envied my lot in life. People pretty much stopped telling me to be more this and less that. My body was not a source of jealousy or desire. My manic antics didn’t grate on people’s nerves, or at least not the way they used to. That old, persistent claim that the deck had been stacked in my favor was abruptly dropped. And just like that, after a lifetime of curbing my natural élan so as not to make people uncomfortable, after decades carrying guilt over what I’d been given and wearing shame because my very being could often seem an unwelcome excess, I was finally free to just be me.

The jig was up. My cancer had outed me, revealed what I’d long been concealing. And the only way to spare folks discomfort was to hide the fact that I was sick… which of course could only make me sicker. Repressing, stifling, conforming to expectations—this cautious approach had clearly been unhealthy. Besides which, following all the rules had failed to keep me safe from mortal danger.

Call me crazy, what others saw as a tragedy I experienced as a liberation.

In the Upside-Down, I felt quite suddenly well-liked. Welcome. Just right. The sensation Alice must have felt when she finally stopped growing either too big or too small. Or the comfort Goldilocks found in tasting Baby Bear’s porridge, sitting in his chair, and sleeping in his bed.

The natural bravado and intensity I’d carried into many of my earlier endeavors and that had often struck observers as problematic were instantaneously recast in a heroic light. Whereas in the past I’d been accused of overreach and gaudy showmanship, now the very same gestures were perceived as acts of “incredible bravery” and “kick-ass determination.”

Thanks… I guess? I stammered, totally baffled, knowing that this “amazing courage” people spoke of was nothing more than me being me, only the context had shifted dramatically. The extreme nature of my circumstances finally seemed a good fit for my own radical character. My fearlessness finally had a proper outlet. This is going to sound weird, I know. Offensive, even. But I immediately knew that cancer was going to be easy compared to feeling unliked. That had been excruciating. This would be a walk in the park.

I’ve got this, I assured everyone.

But what I was really thinking was: Holy crap, I was made for this shit.

Ever hear the story about how Br’er Fox wanted to kill Br’er Rabbit in the worst possible way? “Hang me from the highest tree!” pleaded Br’er Rabbit. “Drown me in the deepest lake!” he implored. But please, PLEASE, p-l-e-a-s-e don’t throw me in that there briar patch!” Which is precisely what Br’er Fox proceeded to do, letting predatory spite blind him to the fact that his prey had royally played him.

Like the tricky rabbit, I was born and bred in this here briar patch, my friends. Born and bred.

(to be continued)

[glitter-and-glue]

I ran the download numbers for the three most-used music platforms in Tuvan, then compared them to the expected number of downloads, based on the existing popularity of the song and the artist (sometimes I judge based on the quality of the song, too, but of course that’s less objective, because even with training, my own ear for music is thrown off by the same vibes that everyone else is picking up on). Simply combing over the top ten hits in a country or region will of course tell you something, but the really interesting data comes from watching which moderately popular or virtually unknown artists suddenly become more popular.

Looking at the past month, the song with the biggest gain over its expected popularity is “Dead Weight Anthem”, from Gatecrasher. You probably haven’t heard of Gatecrasher; they’ve only released one album thus far, it wasn’t particularly successful, and they haven’t released anything at all since last year. Their music isn’t bad, artistically, but it’s technically unrefined, and the topics tend to be relatively juvenile. Lots of complaining about parents and the cool kids; you can tell the artists didn’t yet have a non-school social life that they could draw on for material. DWA is not particularly thematically distinct from the others, but it’s the only one that’s seen a surge in popularity. It hasn’t yet been used in any games or movies, nor in any media property more significant than a fanvid, so that isn’t what’s driving the effect.

“Dead Weight Anthem” specifically concerns the idea that the singer is never going to be successful, and the song takes a sort of perverse pride in this. I think the most significant part is the secondary refrain:

You don’t do shit in your platinum castle

I don’t do shit in my basement cave

Dead weight, dead weight, that’s what we are

So good luck trying to drag us away

Obviously on a lyrical level, the song reflects a sense of uselessness, but also an unwillingness to accept that useless things are also worthless, or that the singer is the only worthless one in the equation. The thing gives off deeply angry, spiteful vibes. 

But it’s a party song. It’s loud and proud about being antisocial. It invites everyone to be antisocial together, paradoxical though that may be.

Musically, it’s very simple; there are some loud crashes and a simple, catchy tune that plays over the refrains, but there’s no part of the song that could be described as technically impressive. The notes stop and start, like a fight, or like the sound of someone running. More than being angry, it’s irreverent; the singer doesn't care about how they are perceived. 

The question is, what conclusions can we draw about the future from this song? What sort of vibes are people picking up on that are causing people to gravitate towards something like this?

It’s always dangerous to take one song in isolation like this, so I still need to check it against the top hits and the other songs that saw big gains, particularly if I want any specifics. Offhand, though, it speaks to a sense among working young people that more is going to be demanded of them soon, that their elders are going to disapprove of them even more than they already do, and that the increased demands are something unjust and hypocritical, something that should be applied to the wealthy as well, but which won’t be.

Could be a cut in the number of purple credits next spring. Could be a change in how welfare is distributed, or the benefits that unions manage to bargain for at major companies. Could be a shortage of an essential item. Difficult to say, but it suggests that a more general rise in ill will and tiredness is only a matter of time, and that social tension is on the rise.

[lanadelreyfiles-blog]

Lana Del Rey: "I grow up with my records." Interview by Joseph Ghosn for Grazia. ENCOUNTER — On her new album, ‘Lust For Life,’ she sings nostalgia and politics, Los Angeles and the intimate. Meeting with Lana Del Rey, a star who lives as an anonymous between the valleys of LA, and chronicles America of yesterday as of today, with a singular sense of observation. The interview is in the heights of Beverly Crest, on the edge of Beverly Hills. The place is unlike any other: a house built in the early 1960s by architect John Lautner, who lived there for a while before reselling it. From one transaction to the next, it now belongs to one of the most amazing figures in Los Angeles, James Goldstein, who is said to be one of the most supportive fans of the NBA (he would attend about a hundred games per season...), while being a regular figure of fashion weeks. Everywhere in the house, photos of the owner with the stars of the time, all seem to pose for a party that would have started in the 70s and would never have stopped since. Around, works of art, objects of fortune or virtue: African masks in the living room, a sculpture by Xavier Veilhan at the corner of an outside corridor, fish that are worth, we are told, “5,000 euros minimum room” in a Japanese pond, an installation of James Turrell in the quasi wild garden and which descends to hillside, far.

A girl like the others Next to the house, a tennis court overlooks an additional, recent building, which houses a nightclub, where Rihanna, celebrated her birthday earlier this year. It’s understandable: the view of Los Angeles is impregnable, cinematographic as possible. It’s there, after placing in the detours of the garden, at the foot of the concrete pool, against the modernist walls of the library, that Lana Del Rey takes us to speak. In the middle of this house haunted by the celebrities and pop history of recent America, Lana is virtually unknown; anonymous. And her way of being doesn’t displease this: she is a girl like the others when she arrives in denim, a small suede jacket, a white T-shirt, and moccasins on the foot. Previously, during the photo shoot, a boy from his entourage made us listen to a few songs from her album: they are not finished yet, and they’re on a small iPod. He scrolls through several versions of the same songs, unfinished mixes, versions in progress. We have the right to listen to only some, but a glance at the list gives us the privilege to see a part of the singer’s process: versions that accumulate only to disappear gradually, and lead to something successful. In 5 years, Lana Del Rey has done a little more than grow In five short years, Lana did a little more than grow. She found a way, a guideline, which is related to California, how to be and live here, in the hills of LA Between the canyons and beaches, she reminisces of Hollywood—of the 40s and 50s. Her still vivid recollections of the singers and singers who lived there; Between the producers’ pools, the round towers of the Capitol label tower (in the form of superimposed discs), the infinitely resonant valleys, where the voices of the more or less well-known folk musicians still seem to be in the wake of Joni Mitchell and his record ‘Ladies From the Canyon,’ have tried to make a name for themselves—a career here. Lana speaks instinctively of these girls. A few years ago, she quoted her tutelary figures, Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen, but she now adds some heroines, starting with Joni Mitchell. From all this, she speaks to us, sitting on the edge of an Indian armchair, in a club that overlooks Los Angeles and all the fantasies that accompany this city. Lana speaks with all that inhabits her: her hesitations, her undulating thought, her way of questioning you maliciously, her eyes shaking, her assurances firm as soon as there’s a question of defending her writing, her music, her place as an anonymous star, who survives better than others in the middle of an era that hardly tolerates more than one season with delicate singers. — When did you start working on this new album? Lana Del Rey: The very day I finished the previous one, ‘Honeymoon.’ It was supposed to be in August, two years ago. I was happy to have recorded a rock record, with ‘Ultraviolence,’ then another more blues-style, sad, record with ‘Honeymoon.’ I felt I had to get closer to the 60s and 70s—pop sensibility. I thought of the Shangri-Las, their harmonies, their playful spirit. Then, arriving at three-quarters of the recording, I also felt a desire to tackle something more folk. I had in mind the album ‘Court and Spark’ by Joni Mitchell. Finally, I had an intense phase where I only listened to The Beatles, and that’s why I Invited Sean Lennon (the only son of Yoko Ono and John Lennon) to sing with me. I think that made the album sound more mature, to me. — Have you change perspective? LDR: Absolutely. I grow up with my records, I feel an internal shift and I try to chronicle it. Today, I was listening to one of my songs, ‘Beautiful People Beautiful Problems,’ and some words like "Blood” or “Planet” struck me: I had never used them before. I feel like I see things with more distance too, but I’m not detaching myself completely. I’m happy with that. — You quote Joni Mitchell. What do you borrow from her? LDR: The way she tells stories. The way to express one’s interiority and the dialogues that it has. I like the fact that she considered herself a painter who could not help becoming a musician. I also love the Laurel Canyon area. With my friends, Jonathan Wilson and Father John Misty, we formed a true musical community, similar to the one that existed around Joni and her friends. — ‘Honeymoon’ was a cathartic record. A cover of ‘Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood’ concluded it. It was an end point. After that, was there a new start? LDR: I liked the idea of making a Nina Simone cover, and especially of that song. I often hoped not to be misunderstood, while not knowing what to do to avoid it. This past year, I have understood that people judge me for the wrong reasons. They misjudge me a lot, in fact. It took me seven years to figure out what my part was in that. There were frustrating moments, of course, especially after the first album. Then it didn’t matter much to me. — Do you feel alone? Have you ever felt the need to be guided? LDR: Yes, but I didn’t even know what it was to be guided. But in the last two years, in Los Angeles, after meeting different people, and good musicians, I felt something like camaraderie. Suddenly I had more people around me, people to call, to ask me what I had done and to ask how they had spent their week too… I don’t put myself in the spotlight as much. Half the songs have something light, and are less about reflection, less about myself. I have not addressed a specific audience very much before. But this past year, I wanted to change my point of view, to address others—a younger generation. This has to happen as we get older. — Do you observe others more? LDR: I feel more anchored in reality. I go out, I mix more with others, after having been too intellectual—too existential… That said, among my friends, I am the calmest. I don’t have to try to make myself heard extravagantly. — ‘Tomorrow Never Came’ reminds us of The Beatles. We hear you talk about Sean Lennon. How did he come to you? LDR: I had a chorus that I sang to my producer, and he added a few chords. I was talking about T. Rex, I was looking for something more relaxed, but also more lively. It led me to a melody close to The Beatles. I asked someone to find me the number of Sean Lennon because I wanted to have his voice with mine. We spoke on FaceTime, and we clicked. It was very encouraging. — The song seems to refer to something hard, but a soft rhythm is behind it... LDR: Yes indeed. But with that, I can’t really say what... That’s why I did not want to sing it alone. Aesthetically, I used this title because I thought it evoked thoughts of a universe totally consumed by the sixties, without modern mediation. It mattered a lot to me because it fits me perfectly, and I wanted to express it like this, without detours. — A song on the record, ‘God Bless America - And All The Beautiful Women In It,’ talks about America. It’s political, and a reaction to the election of Donald Trump. How do times and politics influence you? LDR: The song speaks of America and its women. In the studio, where I go every day, I have daily conversations about the state of the country with my producer and sound engineers... All this has influenced my music. I didn’t feel I had to say anything, but it would have been strange if I didn’t express myself. That was my feeling. There was also the issue of going out more, and listening and talking to other people. One of the questions asked by my friends was whether I was gonna move to Paris! It was the theme of all of our brunches right after the election. I also felt all of the women’s fear. I feel freer on this album, less in a role of tormented love. On the other records, I felt torn. Now I have taken a stand—chosen simpler ways and no longer put myself in difficult situations. I decided to have more friends—more fun. — What provoked this decision? LDR: All of my previous bad experiences came back to me. And I’ve had enough. I decided to change, and there was nothing in the past year that I was not certain about. This is new to me. I had a change in my personal life, which dictated a musical change. And it was for the best; it was in the right artistic direction. Being in a relationship is energizing at first, but when the end comes, there are only negative energies that remain… And I never want to have to bear that anymore. If I had seen the warning signs, I would have fled immediately. I have made the same mistakes too many times, even with friends and professional relationships: Henceforth “I will never leave anybody”. I’m surreptitiously taking control of what I am. I will run away if I feel that a relationship can degenerate like this. That being said, sometimes we have to get things done. You have to know how to finish a record—to finish a love story. — Did you have to fight for your integrity? LDR: To make the right decisions, yes, but never to be who I am. That was done from the beginning. When I wrote ‘Video Games,’ I had to be strong and assertive. I was singing very directly. Now I feel different. At the time, that was what made me happy, because I knew nothing else. But that is not enough. — Do you still have tutelary figures? LDR: I had the chance to read Bob Dylan—to understand his process and his way of doing things. I don’t know why he obsesses me so much… He’s my hero. Keep in mind I don’t put myself at his level. Just like Kurt Cobain, despite his sad end: his way of catching melodies that seem to come out of the air that surrounds you… It was the pinnacle of cool.