#thelifeofhayleymarie

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

08/10/2018: The pros and cons of long distance

I recently got a message asking what I thought was the hardest part about being in a long distance relationship and it got me thinking. There’s a lot of hard parts about doing long distance. Not being able to see them whenever you want, not being able to touch them, kiss them, hold their hand. Watching other couples together and getting jealous because you wish more than anything that was you. Having to go to bed alone and say goodnight to them through a phone screen instead of whispering it to them as you drift off asleep on their chest. Not being able to hug them when they’ve had a bad day. Not being able to afford plane tickets to go see them often. Not being able to spend birthdays, anniversary’s and special occasions with them. It all sucks. It all hurts.

But there are also wonderful parts about it too. The excitement of counting down the days to see them. The warm tingly feeling you get when you hear their voice over the phone or see their beaming smile over facetime. Learning to appreciate the little things and realising how lucky you are to still have someone so special a part of your life, even though you can’t physically be together. Learning how to communicate properly and making your relationship stronger than it’s ever been before. Making plans for the future about how you’re going to close the distance one day and having that to look forward to. You also learn how to comfortably be alone, become independent and work on yourself to reach your own goals meanwhile still having the love and support from your significant other.

There’s so many pros and cons, it’s just a matter of focusing on the right ones to get you through. It’s all worth it.

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

18/01/2019: Closing a chapter of my life

This is a post I’ve been dreading to write. Just a warning too, its going to be very, very long. This will also unfortunately be my last post on this account.

5 weeks and 1 day. That’s how long its been since everything changed, since L ended things with me, and I’ve been trying my hardest to make sense of it all. I’ve been trying my best to find the words to be able to write this post, but I’ve really struggled. All I’m going to start off with is that my heart is absolutely, completely and utterly broken.

This is not how I imagined things would be. This is not how I wanted to end the distance. I imagined us together in our own house, with a couple of dogs, happy and inlove... not like this. Never in a million years did I think we’d end up like this, not with how inlove I was with him. It still doesn’t feel real. When you give someone all of you, love them harder than anything else you’ve ever loved in your life, you never expect them to tell you that they don’t want it anymore. That it’s not enough for them. It’s so hard to accept; its just unfathomable really. I wanted to marry him. I was willing to move across the country for this boy. I was so ready, and so excited. It’s just disappointing. I feel like I sacrificed so much for him. Put his needs before my own. Accepted the heartbreaking challenge of doing long distance without getting a choice in the matter. Supported him in going out and achieving his dreams while I waited here for him. And for what? Him to turn around and say he’s changed his mind and that he doesn’t feel the same anymore? That he doesn’t have the passion for the relationship and that he loves me but he’s not inlove with me now? This whole thing has left me devastatingly broken. And it hurts, my god does it hurt...

It’s been extremely hard and confusing for me to understand too. December 8th he told me that I’m the love of his life and that he can’t wait to come home to me, then on December 13th, only 5 days later… he told me he couldn’t do this anymore. It was absolutely soul shattering to hear those words. Especially because we hadn’t been fighting or anything. I thought we had been perfectly fine, he made me believe that we were doing better. He even texted me that morning saying that he loves me. Then later that night he completely pulled the rug out from under me.

He messaged me that Thursday night saying he wasn’t doing very well mentally and that he needs to talk to me. Me being me I dropped everything and called him immediately, desperately wanting to help him and understand why he was feeling this way. He wouldn’t completely tell me the truth behind it until I kept asking questions. When I asked him if he could think of one thing that makes him happier than anything else in the world, and he answered saying he’s happiest when being on holiday at the lake… my stomach dropped and I immediately knew what was going on; because he didn’t say he was happiest when he was with me. This lead into me asking a whole bunch of other questions where I discovered that he had been apparently feeling miserable for months because he doesn’t think he wants to be with me anymore, because he feels like he’s changed, we’ve changed. This phone call was 3 hours long, yet I couldn’t grasp what was going on. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I was a mess after that phone call. I knew deep in my heart there was no coming back from that. I knew what he wanted, and it completely broke me. My best friend and my brother had to come and physically restrain me because of how inconsolable I was. I felt like my whole world was ending, especially because of how blindsided I felt. Eventually my mum had to literally medicate me to make me calm down. My heart couldn’t take it. I think I slept for 2 whole days after that.

Even though I knew it was over, a couple days later I had a very weak moment and called him and basically begged for him to just keep trying, at least until he comes home and we see each other (which was only a week away… I’d been looking forward to it for ages. I hadn’t seen him in 2 months... he was coming home for christmas on the 20th of december). But my god, it felt so degrading. No one should ever have to beg someone to not give up on them, or to try harder or love them back. I never wanted to stoop that low but I was in shock and I was desperate. And to my utter dismay- he said no. He didn’t want to try anymore. He said he’s been trying for months and it still just doesn’t feel right. This outraged me because 1, he hadn’t been completely honest and open with me about how he was feeling this way and 2, giving someone the bare minimum is NOT ‘trying’. He stopped meeting my needs a long time ago and I was too blinded by love to understand this. I deserved so much better than that. I deserve someone whose sure about me 100% of the time. I deserve someone whose consistent with their love and effort, which he very much lacked on and off throughout our whole relationship. His words rarely matched up to his actions. One day he’d say he loves me more than life itself and that he wants to marry me, the next he would hardly even speak to me. Complete head fuck right? But I stuck around because I loved him. Maybe that’s my own fault.

He was messaging me every day after that phone call- I don’t really know why, I think the guilt from hurting me was eating him up inside to be honest- but I just couldn’t reply to his messages. I needed space. I needed time to let it all sink in and to be able to reflect on it all. I eventually messaged him and asked him to give me the respect of ending things in person, where I can ask questions, get closure and say goodbye. He agreed and wanted that too. It’s so painful having to say goodbye to someone you wanted forever with. But I did it. I went over to his house a couple days after he arrived home and I got say my peace and get the closure I needed. And although I am hesitant to say, I also did end up seeing him a couple more times before he flew back home - alcohol and a broken heart dont mix well folks, trust me - but I surprisingly found that it didnt make things worse for me, because I had already accepted that this break up is probably for the best... dont get me wrong it was sad, and confusing but it was also nice to just be together, talk and take our time to say goodbye; our last goodbye, and the hardest one of all. It was especially hard seeing him cry along with me at the thought of it being the last time. But as I had time to reflect on it all leading up to seeing him each time, I came to the conclusion that this was for the best, and I told him that too. I knew I wasn’t being treated right, I knew I deserved better, I knew the distance had gotten to us too much, and I knew we both weren’t happy. But it was nice to end things on a good note and say goodbye in our own way.

During the past month I have rediscovered my worth and realized that I have so, so, SO much love to give, and if he doesn’t want it, then thats truely his loss. I put him on a pedestal for the longest time and forgot about myself through it all. I haven’t been fair to myself. So now, I think its time I put myself first- in every aspect of my life, not just through the break up. I’m going to try my best to leave all heartache in 2018, and begin to focus on my self worth, growth and all things positive in 2019.

As much as this hurts and as much as it killed me to do long distance this past year, I really have no regrets. I gave 110% of myself to this relationship and to L. I put my heart and soul on the line for someone I love and I think that’s something to be proud of- it’s actually admirable I think. Like a friend recently told me, I let someone know how it felt to be loved by me, and that’s beautiful. I love so damn hard too, and I deserve to get the same love back. Consistently. I also just want to make note that as much as this has hurt me, I don’t and will never wish ill upon him at all. I really just want him to be happy, and if that means not being with me anymore then so be it. I don’t think of him as a bad person- just someone whose young, and isn’t sure about what he wants. I’ve also realized that I can’t hate him for feeling a certain way. I don’t want to. That wouldn’t be fair. At the end of the day, as much as I tried to hold on, I think I always knew it wasn’t meant to be. There’s been too much hurt in the past, and the relationship was damaged from early on from certain things I think. The distance was also really, really difficult for both of us too; even though I felt like I could deal with it because I believed it would be worth it in the end, I guess he just couldn’t handle it, and that’s fair enough. Being away from the person you love constantly changes you. Its heart breaking. I’ll always love the person he is, and forever cherish every amazing memory we ever shared. Our love was epic. The past 2/3 years have been some of the happiest moments of my life- despite it being a rollercoaster at times. And I owe a lot to Luke and will always respect him. I just know now that maybe we’re not meant to be, and that’s ok. As hard as it is to accept that it’s over, and that i’ll never see him again (that part tears me up inside ugh), I’ll always remember him as my first love, and I’ll always appreciate the beautiful times we had together. I still love him, I think I always will, but I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason, and I know I’ll be stronger from this.

I just want to also say a big thank you to everyone who has gone on this journey with me, for all the love and support and advice shared. It’s helped more than you know. I don’t think I would’ve made it this far without you guys. I’m going to miss being apart of this beautiful little community of long distance and military couples. Even though it didn’t work out for me, I still believe long distance can work and that those who are willing to make it work, no matter the struggles, are some of the strongest and most noblest people around. But just remember, if you’re giving more than you’re getting, if you’re beginning to question your worth, if you’re crying more than you are happy, if you’re the only one holding on and trying to make it work, then you need to be honest and fair to yourself and understand that you deserve so, so much better- and you will find that one day, I promise. A part of me wishes I had’ve realised sooner.

I’m closing a chapter of my life, only to begin a new one. I hope 2019 blesses all of you. Best of luck with everything, I really am rooting for you all!

(I’m also not going to delete this blog. It holds way too many incredible memories and posts of happier times that I would like to look back on in years to come. And although it makes me sad now, I just think its so special and it may also be able to help others to read. But, like I said earlier, this will unfortunately be my last post...

If you’d like to contact me in anyway from now on I will be using my main blog more regularly. You can find me at:

http://tr-anspar-ent.tumblr.com/)

Stay strong, keep fighting through the distance and for the ones you love. Always remember you’re not alone.

Love always,

Hayley x

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

Worst thing about doing long distance: saying goodbye. I HATE SAYING GOODBYE!!!! ugh

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

You’re so far away, and it hurts so much

- Come home to me

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

23/10/2018: 24 hours

Only 24 hours until we’re together again bubby. My hearts been hurting and I’ve been without you for too long. I can’t wait to see you and kiss you and be with you again. Everythings better when I’m with you. I love you x

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

28/08/2018: Always supporting me through it all

Last week was a very bad week to put it lightly. I just seemed to have the worst luck and one bad thing after another kept happening and I felt so defeated. I got faced with a speeding fine, a car accident, became really sick, had difficult uni assignments and lots of expensive payments and debts I needed to pay back. They all got thrown my way all at once and it just got so hard to deal with, especially having my boyfriend live almost 800kms away from me. All I wanted was to crawl into bed with him and get him to cuddle me until I felt better. I think that’s what made me more miserable... knowing that I couldn’t do that. I became so down on myself and had no motivation to do anything. But L was right there to support me through it all, like he always is. Even though he wasn’t there physically, he was still supportive and amazing from a distance. I realised I got so consumed in all the negatives that were happening I should have refocused and reminded myself just how damn lucky I am to have this gorgeous man in my life. After a few phone calls and after sending me this particular text last week, it really helped me to pick myself back up and try be more positive. Things could always be worse. I’m very lucky to have him. I love him more than any words could ever say... and the good news is that tonight I’m booking my flights to fly over and see him again. This time I’ll be staying for a week, and I can’t wait.

Only 10 more days ♥️

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

Exactly 2 weeks until I get to go visit him ♥️

I’m counting down every single minute. I can’t wait to be with him again. Reeeeally hoping time flys by 🙏🏼

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

16/08/2018: Tomorrows the day

So tomorrow’s the day I finally get to fly over to see L for the first time and spend the weekend with him. I’m going to be honest, I’m kinda nervous to fly by myself, but my excitement to see him is beyond any other emotion. It’s been a month since I’ve seen him last. Definitely not the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other, but it has still hurt so much to be apart. I’ve missed him every single second of every day that’s passed since I saw him last. I’m excited that this time it’s my turn to travel to him and finally get to see his world and experience what his life is like every day. It sucks we live in different states. It sucks that flights and accomodation are so expensive. But these little visits make it all worthwhile and I can’t wait to be in his arms again. The upside is that L is moving off base into a rental property in about a week so that means I’ll be able to go over to visit more often and for longer periods of time as well! It’s getting a lot more easier now, and there’s so many new and exciting things coming for us. I’m so excited I can’t sleep. Just the thought of kissing his cute face again gives me butterflies ahhh!

Adventures are great, especially when the person you love is your destination ✈️♥️

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

With you, everything feels right.

So glad to have you back home 💘

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

I look forward to a future where we won’t have to say goodnight through a phone anymore, instead I’ll get to roll over and kiss you goodmorning each day

thelifeofhayleymarie

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

We say goodbye to each other forever tomorrow. I still can’t believe it. I’m never going to see you again. This doesn’t feel real

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

Less than 12 hours to go until I’m in your arms again. Until I’m home ♥️

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

11/10/2018: don’t know what to do

He’s pulling away again. We’re not doing too good. He’s putting in very minimal effort and not reciprocating any of my love and I feel so damn alone. He says he’s going through a hard time personally and is struggling with the distance yet treats me so different and I can’t understand it. He pushes me away. Neglects me. He doesn’t realise that by him doing this, it takes a toll and affects me too, and therefore puts a strain on our relationship. All I want to do is help and be there for him but he won’t allow it. He won’t give me anything back. He goes through phases like this all the time, and I’m emotionally exhausted. There’s only so much a person can take. Where do we go from here...

I love him so much but he can’t keep doing this. I deserve a love that’s consistent. That’s constant. A love this isn’t affected by outside factors. Yeah distance is hard, but fk, it’s not hard to love! It should come naturally always. When he goes through these ‘lows’ he makes me feel like being with me is a burden and I feel hard to love. It’s so upsetting and draining and exhausting. I want to be there for him but I need him to be there for me too. I need effort and reciprocation and reassurance, especially when we’re so far apart from each other, because it’s all we have right now. It’s all we can do. I don’t know how to cope with this. Just so over it. I really feel like I need to fly up to see him asap to talk this out bc we’re getting no where over the phone. But he’s busy, and emotionally vacant and I also just can’t afford it. I don’t know what to do.

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

25/09/2018: Probably the worst thing in the world is being a whole state away from your boyfriend when he’s having a rough time.

Just want to cuddle him and make it all better. He’s struggling with the distance more than ever and I can’t do anything about it. Worst feeling in the world.

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

He’s home!!!

Really need this weekend to not fly by pls and thank you

[thelifeofhayleymarie]

04/05/2018: Seeing clearly

So I got glasses today, and it’s something I’ve been quite nervous/excited about for the past couple weeks. I’ve always struggled with super harsh and almost debilitating headaches and migraines. L mentioned to me a long time ago that I should go get my eyes checked because it could have something to do with my vision, but I never actually believed that it could be true. I thought I had great vision. Well turns out, after I gave in and eventually went to get an eye test, I really don’t. And the fact that I have an astigmatism in one of my eyes is the cause of my headaches after all. Sometimes I feel like he knows me better than I know myself.

So today, I went to pick up my prescription glasses from the shops and put them on for the first time. It was incredible, it was like I was seeing clearly for the first time in my life. Everything was so much sharper and easier to read and I could actually see long distances. I had previously told L that I was worried about how I’d look with glasses but he was so supportive about it and insisted that I’ll look great in them, yet I wasn’t so sure about that. I mean, I’m 21 years old and only just now getting glasses. I’ve gone my whole life, up until this point, without them and now I will need them almost all the time. Its kinda scary. I’m going to look so different now. 

But, those fears were short lived. As soon as I told L I had picked up my glasses he immediatley wanted a photo of me in them. So I sent him one and his response made my heart so happy. He told me that I’m beautiful and I’m sexy, that he love’s me in glasses and that they suit me so much. He knows exactly how to boost my confidence and make me smile. These glasses haven’t just made me see the world around me clearer, but they’ve also helped me see the type of person he is much clearer too. He loves me despite my flaws.

I love that he loves me no matter what. I love that he is encouraging and positive. I love that he makes me feel special and pretty even when we are so far apart from each other. But most of all, I love that he influences me to love myself.

I’m a happy girlllll 😜