#thelivingmelancholy

[thelivingmelancholy]

what is love?

The notion of love had been a difficult topic for me to decipher.

After facing the end of relationships multiple times, I started to question what is it that I see as love? Didn't our relationship fail due to immaturity and a misconception of love? Thus, these thoughts and questions led me to the journey of learning what love really is; to build a foundation, a right concept of love.

Time to time, I stacked materials for the foundation; I had finally come close to finishing that foundation. And that is, using someone for your needs is not love; to be with someone just because they are kind, validate us, caring, and all of the actions that calms and soothes our heart, is that love? No, you're just using them for your personal benefit, so you would feel good. I was content with this definition and foundation; but slowly, little by little, somewhere in me rejected this idea.

"I think I need someone else.." No, you don't.

"It'd be great to have a partner like a home.." No, you're your own home.

"It would be great if my future partner hugs me a lot and gives me lots of physical affection.." No, that's not love, that's just what you want, to gain a personal benefit.

The thoughts contended with the foundation that I have built. And it went on like that until I realised; I over-rationalised love too much.

To tell you the truth, I'm vulnerable; I need someone else beside me, a place of comfort and remedy, a home. To have someone kind and caring beside you, isn't that a blessing instead? I am now at the point where I fully accept myself as vulnerable, and it'd be great to have someone by my side; not only to share those vulnerabilities, but to also create happy moments as well.

"I guess i still don't know what love is, is it just to save ourselves?"

The future is uncertain and there are a lot of scenarios waiting ahead, it could be agony or happiness, or perhaps a little bit of both. But I guess, the most important thing is the present; trying our best to create happiness within, and fostering our love to full bloom.

[thelivingmelancholy]

birthdays and expectations.

A few days ago, I turned 20. Looking back, there was always a tone of sadness on my birthdays. Here is a recollection:

I always mark birthdays as a valuable event. my close friends', my parents', it is something that you will definitely find on my calendar; marked with a bright yellow highlighter, accompanied with a name beside it.

On their birthdays, I take that day as an opportunity to convey my sincere feelings and appreciation towards them; that I am grateful to have and know them, that I am glad they take a part in my life, and just.. for existing. The letters are always long, because there are an abundance of things I wanted to convey. Along with the letter, I send them cakes and gifts.

But what about my birthdays?

Sometimes, it is forgotten. Sometimes, it looked so effortless.

I expected them to do the same, but that's not always how it went. Hence, I was disappointed and unappreciated. People have different ways of saying happy birthdays, this was mine, and that was theirs; although I knew such difference, I still felt disappointed.

Soon I came to realize, that my expectations were the ones that brought out such a sad tone into my birthdays; what I do to their birthdays is from the heart, so I shall not expect anything. But one most important thing that I realized was that there's also a part in me.. that does it because I wanted to be perceived as 'special', and if they do the same for me, that 'special' becomes validated. I wanted to both feel and be 'special' by using them.

I will quote an excerpt from the book The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga:

"Why is it necessary to be special? Probably because one cannot accept one's normal self."

That marks a start in my life towards self-acceptance and self-love.

[thelivingmelancholy]

Self: fluctuations, alterations.

One day, she would be so happy and excited to know and have her friends; but one day, she would also question their friendship, "is this.. right?". One day, she would be so content in life when she was doing nothing; but one day, she would also cry all of the sudden when she was doing nothing, "what.. the fuck?". One day, she would feel like she know so much about herself; but one day, she would feel like she barely scratched the surface. Feelings did not feel the same way as before, like it was tinkered and it went numb. The numbness halted the mind to process this dynamic situation, but the heart felt it strongly; the heart felt the numbness. The heart was screaming, shouting so the nerves could feel and process it– it was an emergency; if neglected, the self.. oh... just what would happen to the self? what would happen to the living melancholy? The mind blocked the nerves but a little of its message was delivered to the little parts of the mind. Hence, she cried; for what? she did not know.

[thelivingmelancholy]

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life

Amidst listening to BTS's 화양연화 Album, one wondered to oneself– what was my most beautiful moment in life?

What and when was yours?

[thelivingmelancholy]

To reminisce: high school memories.

Looking back at all of those tens of years studying in school, I can't say for sure on what I have learned, cognitively. However, in terms of non-cognitive skills, I have sure learned a lot; discrimination due to bad grades; belittled by others and even the teachers; trying your best to keep your head above water; and sometimes, even sinking into your own sea.

Dreams, future, grades, self-worth, friends? family– What are those again? In times full of inner conflict and no one to lean on, your everyday life gets clouded and your anchor gets heavier– causing you to sink deeper and deeper into the unknown.

Surrounded by an air of malaise, each day passed on like that; without speaking to anyone, tearing up for no exact reason, having a constant thought of "Ah, I want to get out– please, be over soon." While looking up to the sky, searching for hope, I wondered how to get out of this pathos present.

But there were happiness and serenity as well during those times, it would happen only at a certain time and that is– before dozing off to sleep. The interval gave me the opportunity to indulge in my fantasies, to go home, the place full of love and warmth; it was a short visit to my little realm, my little heaven. When I awoke, I was back to the harsh reality; the anchor getting heavier and bigger each day like it wants to pull me deeper into the waters, not letting me to see the rays of the sun, that glimpse of hope.

And that– was one of the most everlasting memory I had during my high school days.

And perhaps, to tell you the truth– I, was the anchor.

[thelivingmelancholy]

One day in life: ep. 1

These days, I have been struggling to start again. The 3 weeks of holiday felt like it wasn't enough; the reality of the new semester feels untrue; the duties that I have to do kept on being avoided. It has been roughly 9 months since I have started on a new journey that rhymed with my purposes. At first, it was really difficult to last; the new responsibility that I have to foster, balancing both studies and that responsibility, it was like my body and mind underwent such a shock. But I kept on going, thinking that I can do it no matter what, it was definitely a hard, tiring start.

Gradually, the responsibility multiplied because I had to manage a few events which means I have to monitor the progress until its actualization and the people as well. It was tiring but I didn't feel as lethargic as I used to feel before. I thought that I was progressing, building up my resilience and persistence, I was pretty proud of myself. But when the 3 weeks of holiday came, I started to procrastinate a lot. All the plans and goals that I have set for the holidays were consciously rejected, leaving it unchecked. And when the new term started– precisely 2 weeks ago– I felt an immense rejection towards this reality.

I became irresponsible. Somewhere in me, there seems to be a resonance that what I was doing becomes unmatched with my initial purpose; as I discovered its flaws and truths, it made me unmotivated to work as I knew that it wouldn't bring anything. But somewhere in me as well, kept on telling me that it is all just bluff, it is all but excuses to not get on going. Perhaps, it holds some truth. To start again is scary, because I knew so well that the road ahead won't be easy; I did what I could, from the mind and heart, so I won't have to undergo any of those hard roads yet again– which it produced excuses. Tomorrow is a new day, and I have to make a decision; have courage to start again or to lose a precious day in life to cowardice. Song recommendation: Zero o'clock - BTS