#theo's essays

[anxious-shapeshifter]

Preface, 3 Years Later

To be clear, I think my original Preface essay still serves its purpose quite well, and it's still recommended reading for understanding the gist of this blog, but I also believe a lot can happen in just a few years!

As of writing this, I've been out of college for 2 years and moved from Utah to Oregon 6 months ago. Many of my relationships and friendships with others have evolved and changed, come and gone.

I've also fully rescinded my self-identity as a member of the mormon church; that wasn't entirely on the table when I first began writing these essays and putting them out there. If you've already read through most of my stuff, that was probably apparent to you. Still, I think it bears repeating, just to make myself clear:

I no longer consider myself mormon, nor will I ever rejoin as a member.

My original stated goal with these essays was to find ways to process my experience and to find some form of reconciliation between these two disparate facets of my identity. Coming out the other end of that struggle, I've decided that trying to balance those two parts will never be worth it to me - to the mormon church, my queer identity will always be too much, no matter how much I compromise and tone myself down, no matter how many parts of myself I cut off to fit their mold.

Instead, I've decided to just be me and let myself exist, letting myself be this weird and messy and imperfect creature, because you know what? Fuck the church! Look at that, I can say 'fuck' now, too! Who cares?!

I'm still writing and thinking about all this though, because really, I don't think this kind of trauma just completely goes away. The journey to healing is a long, never-ending road, but goddammit I'm gonna make the best of it and smell the flowers on the way.

If you're going through something similar, please know that my hand is outstretched, and I hope I can make this path a little less lonely. I promise things are much better on the other side, and that those things the church tells you about leaving aren't even remotely true. It's not always easy, but it's worth it to live for yourself.

[theodeckrs]

some of you moved on from this way too quickly. i, however, DID FUCKING NOT!!!

[enemiestoanchors]

A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

[kwillow]

how would a blushing and severely flustered Theo would look like? Like let's say he's having a conversation with someone and they threw some well formed saucy flirts at him, or the person he's "tending to" gave him a deep cheek kiss before walking off calling him a cutie.

Well, as you can see, I thought too hard about this. Theo is such a dysfunctional bastard, he really goes from 1 to 100 depending on how badly his thorny boundaries at crossed and I just wanted to explore a bunch of potential reactions here. None of them are probably what you had in mind, though... sorry. I guess he is still "severely flustered" even if he's threatening to rip your tongue out?

Theo's response to basically any social interaction depend on how much he trusts the other party. He's incredibly hostile and defensive towards most, and quick to read even the most innocuous behavior as a subtle threat or insult. When he does have more of a relationship with someone, he's a bit less likely to jump to trying to bite them if they look at him funny, but that doesn't stop him from ruminating and brooding about what that funny look could mean (inevitably concluding it could only mean ruin for them both and he has to intervene in the weirdest way possible to prevent this catastrophe).

The mention of “saucy” flirtations and kissing would really get him tilted no matter what, though - he’s not exactly at ease with that kind of “salacious depravity,” as he would say. Being come on to in such a forward way is less likely to make him all twitterpated as much as it makes him feel humiliated, debased, manipulated or even attacked. Additionally, he is extremely touch-averse, especially on his bare skin (or, I guess, bare pelt), to the point that some touch feels physically painful to him, like a burn or sting. So no kisses, please.

He might not react so negatively to flirting that is more delicate and subtle - though it’d have to be so damn subtle that he doesn’t even register any intimate intent.

[moronic-validity]

Fuck it. More self serving shit, but this is all headcanons because I just got done writing a fucking 4 page essay that my blood, sweat, and tears literally went into.

The 141 + Farah, König, Laswell, Nik, Valeria, and Graves x best friend! Reader who is stressed with classes. I'm sorry it's a shorter extended list than usual, but I'm like...still dying from the paper

Warning for mentions of dry heaving and an inappropriate joke, but this is straight up PG-13

Price handles it well, shocking absolutely no one. He's a bit confused why you're talking about pulling your hair out over a paper, but you said it was important, so he's going to sit with you and talk you through the entire paper. At some point, he basically just tells you what to type and you do. When the paper gets a B+ Price almost throws a chair.

The one that will shock you? Soap handles it well too! The second he sees the tears well up, he's sitting next to you, helping you map out the entire assignment. He won't talk you through it the way Price does, but he helps you get your thoughts in order enough to complete it on your own.

Ghost....well Ghost handles it in stride. You two became friends because of dry wit, snark, and the ability to remain calm, cool, and collected when shit hits the fan. And then he walks in on you dry heaving because you just found out you have a 5 page paper due by midnight and it's already 10 pm. Fuck. If your hair is long, he preemptively holds it back for you, before squatting next to you to figure out what has you so upset. When he finds out it's over a paper, he has to suppress a relieved laugh. He thought it was something serious. He'll stay up as long as you need and let you bounce ideas off him, but he's not gonna hold your hand and walk you through it.

Which leaves us with my boy Gaz! He's somewhere in-between the Ghost and Price. He showed up to your place for y'all's weekly movie night and heard you cussing up and down, left and right. Thinking there was an issue, he let himself in, only to see you yelling at your computer, tears streaming down your face. He does actually let out a relieved laugh, and sits on the couch with you. He doesn't want to hear apologies for forgetting movie night, he wants to help you get this done so movie night can commence. He will straight up take your computer and finish the assignment for you, if he has to.

Bonus!!!

Farah: Absolutely helps you crush the assignment. She'll bitch with you about the assignment, the professor, anything, but you two will get this done. If you get less than an A, I'd be shocked.

König: Listen, this guy will bluntly tell you that you should've started the assignment sooner, but he'll also be there for you to bounce ideas off of and he'll help steer your line of thought until you've got it handled.

Laswell: Depending on how upset you are, she is fully willing to forge documents that say you were admitted to the hospital for a few days and get you an extension. That being said, you get this privilege once in a calendar year. Use it wisely.

Nik: Well, C's get degrees, right? He'll do his best to help, but depending on the assignment, you both might be fucked. Nik is smart as hell, but some of this shit is new and also complicated for no fucking reason.

Valeria: She will do whatever you need her to to get this assignment done. Shut up and just keep you on task? Done. Do it for you? Done. Kill your professor? She knows a guy, done. Oh wait, you were joking about that last one? Um... Give her like...10 minutes.

Graves: He'll help you out to the best of his abilities, but when that C comes back and both of you are crestfallen, he will half-jokingly remind you that there are other ways to get an A.

[kallypsos]

spiritually:

[jjsstars]

still sane by lorde is so theo coded tell me you get it

[apricusapollo]

quotes from frankenstein by mary shelley that remind me of theo raeken:

It is even possible that the train of my ideas would never have received the fatal impulse that led to my ruin. 

It was a strong effort of the spirit of good, but it was ineffectual. Destiny was too potent, and her immutable laws had decreed my utter and terrible destruction. 

It is so long before the mind can persuade itself that she whom we saw every day and whose very existence appeared a part of our own can have departed for ever – that the brightness of a beloved eye can have been extinguished and the sound of a voice so familiar and dear to the ear can be hushed, never more to be heard. 

I was required to exchange chimeras of boundless grandeur for realities of little worth.

My attention was fixed upon every object the most insupportable to the delicacy of the human feelings.

The different accidents of life are not so changeable as the feelings of human nature.

But now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart.  

Dreams that had been my food and pleasant rest for so long a space were now become a hell to me; and the change was so rapid, the overthrow so complete! 

I felt suddenly, and for the first time during many months, calm and serene joy. 

How sincerely you did love me, and endeavour to elevate my mind until it was on a level with your own. A selfish pursuit had cramped and narrowed me, until your gentleness and affection warmed and opened my senses. 

The picture appeared a vast and dim scene of evil, and I foresaw obscurely that I was destined to become the most wretched of human beings!

She also was a girl of merit and possessed qualities which promised to render her life happy; now all was to be obliterated in an ignominious grave, and I the cause!

He threatened and menaced, until I almost began to think that I was the monster that he said I was. 

I had none to support me; all looked on me as a wretched doomed to ignominy and perdition.

Anguish and despair had penetrated into the core of my heart; I bore a hell within me which nothing could extinguish.

Nothing is more painful to the human mind than, after the feelings have been worked up by a quick succession of events, the dead calmness of inaction and certainty which follows and deprives the soul both of hope and fear.

I wandered like an evil spirit, for I had committed deeds of mischief beyond description horrible, and more, much more was yet behind.

Instead of that serenity of conscience which allowed me to look back upon the past with self-satisfaction, and from thence to gather promise of new hopes, I was seized by remorse and the sense of guilt, which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures such as no language can describe. 

All sound of joy or complacency was torture to me; solitude was my only consolation – deep, dark, deathlike solitude.

Often, I say, I was tempted to plunge into the silent lake, that the waters might close over me and my calamities for ever. 

Remorse extinguished every hope. I had been the author of unalterable evils.

Banish those dark passions. Remember the friends around you, who centre all their hopes in you. 

Thus not the tenderness of friendship, nor the beauty of earth, nor of heaven, could redeem my soul from woe; the very accents of love were ineffectual. I was encompassed by a cloud which no beneficial influence could penetrate.

All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things! 

Have I not suffered enough, that you seek to increase my misery? Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.

I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel, whom thou drivest from joy for no misdeed. 

I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend.

Believe me, I was benevolent; my soul glowed with love and humanity; but am I not alone, miserably alone? You, my creator, abhor me; what hope can I gather from your fellow creatures, who owe me nothing? They spurn and hate me.

Shall I not then hate them who abhor me? I will keep no term with my enemies. I am miserable, and they shall share my wretchedness. 

Listen to my tale; when you have heard that, abandon or commiserate me, as you shall judge that I deserve. But hear me.

If such lovely creatures were miserable, it was less strange that I, an imperfect and solitary being, should be wretched. 

Was I, then, a monster, a blot upon the earth, from which all men fled and whom all men disowned?

I learned that there was but one means to overcome the sensation of pain, and that was death – a state which I feared yet did not understand. 

Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was my destination? These questions continually recurred, but I was unable to solve them.

Satan had his companions, fellow devils, to admire and encourage him, but I am solitary and abhorred.

They did not appear rich, but they were contented and happy; their feelings were serene and peaceful, while mine became every day more tumultuous. 

I was alone. I remembered Adam’s supplication to his Creator. But where was mine? He had abandoned me, and in the bitterness of my heart I cursed him. 

I required kindness and sympathy; but I did not believe myself utterly unworthy of it.

I am an unfortunate and deserted creature, I look around and I have no relation or friend upon earth.

Cursed, cursed creator! Why did I live? Why, in that instant, did I not extinguish the spark of existence which you had so wantonly bestowed? 

My feelings are those of rage and revenge

There was none among the myriads of men that existed who would pity or assist me; and should I feel kindness towards my enemies? No; from that moment I declared everlasting war against the species, and more than all, against him who had formed me and sent me forth to this insupportable misery. 

For the first time the feelings of revenge and hatred filled my bosom, and I did not strive to control them, but allowing myself to be borne away by the stream, I bent my mind towards injury and death.

I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy.

The feelings of kindness and gentleness which I had entertained but a few moments before gave place to hellish rage and gnashing of teeth. Inflamed by pain, I vowed eternal hatred and vengeance to all mankind. 

My daily vows rose for revenge – a deep and deadly revenge, such as would alone compensate for the outrages and anguish I had endured.

I too can create desolation; my enemy is not invulnerable; this death will carry despair to him, and a thousand other miseries shall torment and destroy him

I am malicious because I am miserable. Am I noy shunned and hated by all mankind? You, my creator, would tear me to pieces and triumph; remember that, and tell me why I should pity man more than he pities me?

I will revenge my injuries; if I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear. 

I will work at your destruction, nor finish until I desolate your heart, so that you shall curse the hour of your birth. 

You will return and again seek their kindness, and you will meet with their detestation; your evil passions will be renewed. 

I felt then that I should survive the exhibit what I shall soon cease to be – a miserable spectacle of wrecked humanity, pitiable to others and intolerable to myself.

For an instant I dared to shake off my chains and look around me with a free and lofty spirit, but the iron had eaten into my flesh, and I sank again, trembling and hopeless, into my miserable self. 

I had feelings of affection, and they were requited by detestation and scorn. 

I will watch with the wiliness of a snake, that I may sting with its venom.

How mutable are our feelings, and how strange is that clinging love we have of life even in the excess of misery!

Why did I not die? More miserable than man ever was before, why did I not sink into forgetfulness and rest?

Who could be interested in the fate of a murderer but the hangman who would gain his fee?

I was overcome by gloom and misery and often reflected I had better seek death than desire to remain in a world which to me was replete with wretchedness. 

Little happiness remains for us on earth, yet all that I may one day enjoy is centred in you.

Memory brought madness with it,  and when I thought of what had passed, a real insanity possessed me; sometimes I was furious and burnt with rage, sometimes low and despondent. 

They were dead, and I lived.

My life, as it passed thus, was indeed hateful to me.

His soul is as hellish as his form, full of treachery and fiendlike malice.

The only joy that he can now know will be when he composes his shattered spirit to peace and death. Yet he enjoys one comfort, the offspring of solitude and delirium. 

When younger I believed myself destined for great enterprise.

I am chained in an eternal hell.

If you had known me as I once was, you would not recognise me in this state of degradation. 

I have longed for a friend; I have sought one who would sympathise with and love me

The companions of our childhood always possess a certain power over our minds which hardly any later friend can obtain. 

What does it avail that I now ask thee to pardon me? I, who irretrievably destoyed thee by destroying all thou lovedst. 

A frightful selfishness hurried me on, while my heart was poisoned with remorse.

I knew that I was preparing for myself a deadly torture, but I was the slave, not the master, of an impulse which I detested yet could not disobey.

It is well that you come here to whine over the desolation that you have made. You throw a torch into a pile of buildings, and when they are consumed, you sit among the ruins and lament the fall.

It is not pity that you feel; you lament only because the victim of your malignity is withdrawn from your power.

But now that virtue has become to me a shadow, and that happiness and affection are turned into bitter and loathing despair, in what should I seek for sympathy? I am content to suffer alone while my sufferings shall endure.

I was nourished with high thoughts of honour and devotion. But now crime has degraded me beneath the meanest animal.

When I run over the frightful catalogue of my sins, I cannot believe that I am the same creature whose thoughts were once filled with sublime and transcendent visions of the beauty and the majesty of goodness.

The fallen angel becomes a malignant devil. Yet even that enemy of God and man had friends and associates in his desolation; I am alone.

For while I destroyed his hopes, I did not satisfy my own desires.

Am I to be thought the only criminal, when all humankind sinned against me?

I, the miserable and the abandoned, am an abortion, to be spurned at, and kicked, and trampled on.

But it is true that I am a wretch. I have murdered the lovely and the helpless; I have strangled the innocent as they slept and grasped to death his throat who never injured me or any other living thing.

You hate me, but your abhorrence cannot equal that with which I regard myself. 

I shall no longer feel the agonies which now consume me or be the prey of feelings unsatisfied, yet unquenched.

I shall no longer see the sun or stars or feel the winds play on my cheeks. Light, feeling, and sense will pass away; and in this condition must I find my happiness.

Polluted by crimes and torn by the bitterest remorse, where can I find rest but in death?

Blasted as thou wert, my agony was still superior to thine, for the bitter sting of remorse will not cease to rankle in my wounds until death shall close them for ever.

I shall die, and what I now feel be no longer felt. Soon these burning miseries will be extinct. I shall ascend my funeral pile triumphantly and exult in the agony of the torturing flames.

[spikeface]

scott mccall x guts julia armfield

[pansexual-puppy-pack]

partly obsessed with theo because who are you if all you are is a performance... when you're molded by people who aren't you, is your only independence founded in childlike naïveté? if half your life, you were brought up to be a perfect killer and a perfect liar, what else would you know?

so much of theo is a performance and i'm soooo down for it. his character arc brought about his s6b self (which i think is distilled theo with regards to personality: his like, final destination), who is lost. his biological family is dead, and the ones who raised him are dead, so who else does he have to rely on except himself? which brings about the question: who is he now?

[anxious-shapeshifter]

I finished today's therapy session and...fucking hell, something jumped out at me that I have never considered before, and it's left me in shambles.

I've often shared a personal anecdote with folks in my life in order to illustrate how mormonism instills its destructive values very early in its members, and I'm going to share it with you all now as well.

When I was around 6 or 7, I had a dress that I loved to wear. It was made of stretchy cotton like a t-shirt, meant to be played in, and it was pink with rainbow flowers that had little smiley faces. Its other notable trait is that it had elastic "spaghetti straps", because this was something you'd wear in the warmer months.

The year I turned 8, my family moved back to Utah. I started 2nd grade there, and one day, I wore the dress to school, unaware of the taboo I was about to commit. I was a child, after all - I didn't know any better.

As soon as the teacher caught sight of me, I got sent to the front office to call my parents for a change of clothes and scolded for breaking school dress code. It was a big hassle, because my mom was a teacher herself at another school, and my dad was attending school an hour away from home. He had to turn around to come deliver the clothes to me.

I felt so ashamed, I never wore that dress again. I didn't even understand why what I'd done was wrong, only that the punishment was so terrifying that I never wanted to go through it again. The only clue I really got in order to avoid such a scenario, was that it was the straps - shoulders have to be covered.

~~~~~

The first thing that I think occurs to people I share this with is that I, as a 7 year old child, got dress-coded for having bare shoulders - in other words, I was sexualized as a child by my community and punished accordingly for it. That's pretty fucked up on its own.

Today, however, a new realization dawned on me. You see, when I've brought this story up again in the years following, my parents have both agreed that they also found the situation to be pretty fucked up. They've always been comparatively more progressive than fellow mormons I grew up around in our insular community, so this has always made sense to me.

They didn't agree with how I was treated...and yet, they allowed it to happen.

I don't recall either of them voicing these opinions to me at the time it happened, or addressing the situation to me afterwards in order to help me, a confused child, understand why I was treated this way. No one stood up to defend me or challenged the unfairness; what I observed was my parents' compliance with the rules, and I, in turn, learned that this was simply how things must be.

I'm torn, because I love my parents. What happened here, though? Was this a moment in which they had to weigh a choice, choosing community and belonging over their child's feelings? Were there just so many other things on their mind at that time, after the big move we made as a family, that they didn't stop to think about it for too long?

Now I'm here at 25, trying to comfort a child who was left behind so long ago, who needed an adult to kindly and gently explain why this unfairness happened to her, and that it wasn't her fault to begin with.

I want to tell her how lovely her flowery rainbow dress is.

[framemygazepls]

Why are teens climbing into bedroom windows?

A video essay I made on the trope of teens climbing into bedroom windows in film and tv! Here’s the hyperlink! While I think there can be positives to the trope, in this video essay, I discuss how the trope can perpetuate some problematic myths about romance and consent.

[rubyof-thesea]

the fact that people actually bought theo’s “I was respecting your privacy” excuse is wild to me. did y’all not see the scene where she tried to tell him & he STOPPED HER?? like he knew at that point. he’d read the letter.

[shitpostingkats]

Hello??????

[clementinecalls]

Hi I’m crazy but Everlark is Thiam the end

[lesbiradshaw]

big fan of post finale thiam codas where liam helps theo dig out the bullets he took for him in the hospital… there is so much symbolism and intimacy to be found there i think.