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thefoxholecast · 6 months

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The Original Foxhole Court Extra Content (Archived from Nora Sakavic’s Tumblr)

We copied the following text directly from the pre-2024 version of the Foxhole Court Extra Content page on Nora Sakavic’s Tumblr blog (korakos.tumblr.com/fox). In March 2024, she did “some spring cleaning” by shortening the list of links and deleting/hiding old posts. The links in this copy lead to archived snapshots of the old posts on the Internet Archive Wayback Machine.

Some of the links are broken. If you have copies of these posts, please let us know so we can fill in missing content!

Because Tumblr only allows up to 100 links per post, we're unable to replicate the full list here. View the full list of links on our blog here: thefoxholecast.tumblr.com/FoxArchive

The Foxhole Court

ETA 2023: most of the posts here are from 2013-2015. Some of them overlap with older drafts. Some answers have evolved over time, even if they haven’t been updated here. Most I haven’t changed my mind on, for better or worse. Take ‘em or leave ‘em, and good luck making sense of ‘em around all the drunk rambling and detours. One day if I have the energy I’ll just sort it into a coherent reference.

Two sections here: the questions submitted by tumblr users, and a miscellaneous collection of stories & factoids pulled from the oft-neglected blog. The questions aren’t in any particular order, though I did try to organize them by subject matter. Ish. Once the dust is settled a bit I’ll try to find a better sorting system. Also, the tumblr tag I use for questions is http://korakos.tumblr.com/tagged/foxhole-court-questions-and-spoilers

Lots of spoilers for The Foxhole Court ahead!

Preface: Why are Asks disabled in 2016?

COURTING MADNESS

—Exy Rules & Regulations

—Exy: A History of the Sport

—Palmetto State University

—The original “What Happens After King’s Men” post

—SON NEFES, the cousins’ freshman year through Renee’s eyes

——One . Two . Three . Four . Five

—Nicky Hemmick

—Seth Gordon

—Aaron Minyard

—Matt Boyd

—Kevin & Andrew

—David Wymack & the Monsters

—Wymack & Andrew re: Neil

—Dan Wilds is recruited to the Foxes *

—Allison through Dan & Renee’s eyes *

——pulled from an abandoned, unfinished book about the Foxes’ women

TUMBLR

NEIL

—Neil’s life on the run

—Do they ever celebrate Neil’s birthday?

—What if Neil told the truth earlier?

—Neil through the Foxes’ eyes

—Neil through Ichirou’s eyes

—Neil’s looks post-book and relationship with his reflection

—Does Neil ever talk to Bee?

—Neil’s millions

—Neil’s fight training

—Who’s Neil closest to beside Andrew

—Neil’s fashion style

—Cellphone ringtone

—Christmas/birthday presents for Foxes

—Does Neil ever cry?

—Neil’s lonely fifth year

—When Neil’s overwhelmed

—Does Neil crush on his teammates?

—Neil & Ichirou’s intimidation

ANDREW

—Andrew’s sober look at his teammates & Neil

—How did Andrew react to Cass’s letter?

—Andrew’s medication and the follow-up

—Has Abby seen Andrew’s scars?

—Andrew & Mama Bee

—Andrew & Roland

—How far has Andrew willingly gone?

—What animal figurine did Andrew buy Betsy?

—Andrew’s eye color

—Andrew’s opinion of the cats

—What’d Andrew say to Nicky in TKM?

—Andrew’s honest opinion of Exy

—Andrew’s thoughts on Neil’s binder

—Andrew and his sexuality

—If Andrew had met Neil’s mother

—Andrew’s thoughts on Neil’s sexuality

—Andrew’s fondest memory of Neil

—Andrew’s aforementioned withdrawal

—Do you think Andrew is really really really awesome?

—Proust and Andrew

—What happens to Proust?

—Andrew’s reaction to Neil’s bday blood

—Andrew on Neil eventually changing out

—Does Andrew get grumpy?

—Does Andrew get less dead inside?

—Does Andrew call Neil by his name?

—Why give the Foxes crackers?

—Andrew’s first choices in winning a fight

—Who liked knives?

—What got chopped from Drake’s arc?

—Does Andrew get off thinking about Neil?

—Post Andrew & Bee’s side story?

—When did Andrew start thinking Neil was interesting?

—Any other words he can’t stand?

—What does he think about nicknames?

—Explain Andrew’s fatal disease in the comic version

—Andrew’s canon mental state

—How did Andrew not know about Tilda’s abuse?

—Why punch Neil for “Sorry”, and when Andrew is sick

—What’s with Andrew and promises

—Andrew’s thoughts on Roland’s premature confession

—Andrew’s arrest

—Wanting nothing vs not wanting anything

—Why was Andrew laughing after Drake?

—If Neil had chosen Dan & Matt over Andrew

NEIL & ANDREW

—The other 10%

—Which teammate caught on first?

—Do Andrew & Neil go on dates?

—When did they first hold hands?

—When did Andrew clue in?

—Exites self-censure

—Betsy’s & Aaron’s reactions to the news

—Roland’s opinion of things

—The breaking point

—Who tops?

—On tying people up

—Their domestic life aka Sir Fat Cat

—I love you

—Andrew and the bed issue

—Nightmares

—Do they learn to talk to each other?

—Blaming Neil for Drake

—Andrew comforting Neil?

—Neil’s fondest memory of Andrew

—Neil getting Andrew off for the first time

—Neil seeing Andrew naked

—Neil & the sex how-to

—How was the first time

—Where’d it happen?

—When was their first hug?

—“I won’t let you let me be”

—Their roadtrips

—Neil waking Andrew up

—Andrew’s real smile

—How does Andrew show appreciation for Neil

—Their happiest moments

—Does Neil ever make Andrew laugh?

—Does Andrew take comfort in Neil

—Does Andrew get protective/possessive?

—Doesn’t Neil crave affection?

—Andrew re: Neil’s panic attacks

—Media reaction to Andrew/Neil

—Further reaction to Andrew/Neil

—On “accidentally” sitting in laps

—What if Andrew died?

—What if Neil died?

—Reaction to getting hit on by others

—Do they celebrate anniversaries?

—The first time Neil pushes Andrew down

FOXES

—How tall are the Foxes?

—Why is everyone so short?

—Where did their names come from?

—What were their majors?

—What do the Foxes look like?

—What are their Hogwarts houses?

—Reaction to the kidnapping

—Do Neil & Renee become friends?

—What did Allison do with Seth’s urn?

—Nicky’s evolution over the drafts

—Do the Foxes get their skiing trip?

—Does Andrew know Nicky kissed Neil?

—When did Aaron & Katelyn fall for each other?

—How did Andrew and Wymack end up handcuffed together?

—Kevin’s favorite things

—Kevin and Andrew’s on-court kerfuffle

—Dan’s haircut

—Dan & Matt’s relationship

—Dan & Matt’s first kiss

—Matt bouncing back from Columbia

—Matt rooming with the monsters

—The other what-if OT3 aka D/M/N and the dynamic

—Do Allison and Renee have the hots for each other?

—Matt forgiving his father

—Any mistletoe shenanigans?

—Thanksgiving and the Foxes

—Kevin’s best friend

—Janie Smalls

—How did Kevin and Thea meet?

—Foxes’ favorite ice cream flavors

—Kevin & Andrew’s on-court argument

—Foxes’ taste in music

—Kevin’s middle name & drink of choice

—Do Kevin & Neil want to kiss?

—Which Fox would Kevin kiss, then?

—Kevin’s best non-Exy memory

—Allison’s three bets

—Why is Allison’s middle name Jamaica

—Kevin, Andrew, and Neil staying friends

—“Joan of Exy”?

—Can the Foxes sing?

—Some of the Foxes’ previous bets

—Do Nicky & Allison become friends?

—Are Foxes based on RL people?

—Nicky when Neil asks about friendship

—Dan & the monsters in Columbia

—What if Kevin was killed?

—Renee and her near-death experiences

—More background available on Renee?

—Why doesn’t Aaron let the Foxes in?

—Team’s reaction to Drake, Andrew’s reaction to being outed

—Andrew & Aaron’s time with Tilda

—Does Aaron reconcile with Andrew over Tilda?

—Nicky & his parents after Drake

—Foxes thoughts in Baltimore

FOXES POST-TKM

—The Pro Teams

—The Weddings

—Neil as the Best Man?

—Kevin after TKM —Thea, Jean, Foxes, and Riko

—How does Kevin & Wymack’s relationship evolve?

—Renee after TKM

—Nicky after TKM

—Aaron after TKM

—Allison after TKM

—Dan & Matt after TKM

—Dan and the US Court

—Any pro-period scandals?

—Andrew & Neil’s relationship with their team

—Would Neil hold Matt’s children?

—Neil & babysitting the Foxes’ kids

—Which Fox’s child would curse first

THE FUTURE FOXES

—Who is Robin Cross?

—Neil and Jack

—Andrew’s reaction to Neil punching Jack

—Foxes’ reaction to Neil punching

—Kevin and Jack

—Neil’s new recruit

—Andrew and Jack

RIVALS

—Who is Riko Moriyama?

—Riko & Kevin’s evolving relationship

—More about Riko & Kevin’s past

—How did Riko break Kevin’s hand

—Riko’s brutality toward Jean

—Any draft where Riko wasn’t killed?

—Were Riko, Kevin, and Jean involved sexually?

—Does the Fox-Trojan rematch happen? Also how do the Trojans & Jean get along?

—Do Alvarez & Laila (Trojans) have backstories?

—Thea’s number & thoughts on Raven brutality

THE “ADULTS”

—Kayleigh Day & David Wymack

—Abby Winfield & David Wymack

—Wymack’s parents

—Did Wymack cry during the trilogy?

—Did Kayleigh know about the Moriyamas?

Nora & the Foxes

—Fancast and Andrew

—Changing opinion of Foxes over the years

—Bits of the scrapped K/N/A threesome here and here

—The KxAxN AU where Kevin died

—Will there be a sequel?

—What inspired you to develop Exy?

—Fox fanfictions, collected by coldsaturn

—Why a pseudonym?

—What came first, characters or story?

—Were you the artist of the comic version?

—What did the comic-Foxes look like?

—What do you do when you’re not writing?

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ago0112 · 17 days

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The Bear, The Bard, and Hamlet

Christopher Storer pulls from so many media types, music, movies, opera, theater, and it's beautiful. He is on point with Alfred Hitchcock in telling stories visually.

Like others have mentioned @gingergofastboatsmojito @thoughtfulchaos773 @currymanganese he pulls from the Bard, William Shakespeare. Fairest Creatures and Midsummers Night's Dream.

Another is Hamlet. Long story short, Hamlet's uncle kills his dad, marries his mom, and he goes, rightfully so, a bit mental with wanting revenge. (Yes, yes, yes, it's far more poetic than that. Worry pas, I get it. My dad is a retired English Lit professor.)

So, how does this relate to The Bear? Well, Mikey is definitely the stand in dad for Carmy and Nat. But, take it a step further. Their dad, seemingly, vanished, left them. Their "uncles," Lee and Jimmy, are connected with unsavory types. *cough *cough the mob. Mikey, Donna, and Jimmy say he wasn't good with the business. This has me wondering if, like with his son's, he went looking for a loan that he either couldn't, didn't, or wouldn't pay back. Not that Jimmy or Lee killed him, but they know what happened to him. And I feel that they also had something to do with Mikey's death. Again, not that they did it, but they know more than they are letting on. Jimmy feels so guilty this season. And felt so guilty to give Mikey the money in the first place. Where is that guilt coming from?

So, back to it. Carmy is Hamlet (Hamlet is driven by revenge. Carmy is driven by a need to prove himself for attention and acceptance. And kinda revenge, too.) Mikey is King Hamlet (king Hamlet is Hamlet's father. Mikey is the stand in dad to the bear siblings). Claudius is Uncle Lee (fucking asshole abusive prick. And I know there's more to Mikey's death and Lee had a part to play.) Donna is Gertude (Hamlet's relationship with his mother was strained and she was also poisoned. Carmy's relationship with Donna is messed up and her drinking also isn't good for her.) Ophelia is Claire (She gets burned by Hamlet. Not literally. Which does happen to Claire. No matter how I might feel about her.) Jimmy is Polonius ( "He is the chief counsellor of the play's ultimate villain". Jimmy is in businesss with Lee. And Polonius is supposed to be a busy body. Which, let's face it, Jimmy is.) Fak and Teddy are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (I want more space for them lol.)

Let's add the other Shakespeare plays in here, too, so we can get a good idea of the whole complete story of the Bear.

I also love that Richie is Puck. His fucking dream weave, people.

The rest of the Faks are The mechanicals.

Syd is like Cordelia. (King Lear's youngest daughter. Yes, I know, another play but still relevant. She refuses to wax poetically about the love of her father in public just to get some land. He refuses her and makes her life hard... Syd's not signing the agreement and is not really enjoying this version of Carmy.) She's honest, true, and brave. Puts up with a lot of shit.

I'd like to go back to two characters though. Dum and Dummer, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern or Neil and Teddy Fak.

In Hamlet

"They are two old school friends of Hamlet, and they come to visit him after his father's death, though it turns out that they are called to Denmark by King Claudius and Queen Gertrude to spy on Hamlet. They represent corruption and deceit in the play, and their existence and actions are full of irony."

Wait, what was that last part again?

"They represent corruption and deceit in the play, and their existence and actions are full of irony."

Hamlet ends up killing them, lol.

I don't think Carmy will. But it's definitely going to be interesting. Oh, Ophelia goes mad (because of Hamlet) and drowns herself...I don't want that for Claire. Hopefully, she moves on. Clearly they aren't good for each other.

Also, Richie, I want more of your dream weave. Lord, what fools these mortals be, am I right? Come on Robin Goodfellow, show us the goods.

#the bear #shakespeare #the bear season 3 #sydcarmy #richie jerimovich #ted fak #neil fak #uncle jimmy #mikey berzatto #carmy berzatto #sydney adamu #claire dunlap

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humbledragon669 · 4 months

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S1E3 – Hard Times Write Up P1 – The Garden of Eden (4004 BC), Mesopotamia (3004 BC), Golgotha (33 AD), Rome (42 AD) and the Kingdom of Wessex (537 AD)

Neil himself tells us (in the Introduction to the Script Book) that he wrote these historical scenes specifically for the show to ensure that the third part of the story was not entirely absent of our hero couple. Personally I think the sequence is one of my favourite parts of the show, not least because we get a pretty much uninterrupted set of Aziracrow conversations. They’re really rich in back story and I don’t think I’d be the only person to say that I’m really delighted they (mostly) made it to the final cut. Let’s get started – the plan is for this part to take us up to the end of the scene that takes place in 537 AD before I take a little break from write ups and dip my toe into fanfics again (I realise that might seem like an odd place to break, but it will make sense when I’m done).

So we’re back at the Garden of Eden, sans Crawly this time. The script version of this scene has Aziraphale locking up the gates to the Garden at this point. Instead, we see him putting a final brick in the Garden’s surrounding wall. I have seen some people say that this is him sealing the Garden shut, and that would fit with the script, but I just can’t help but feel like he’s hiding something inside the wall - the shape of the stone he’s using is irregular compared to everything else, and he seems at pains to keep its outline hidden during his conversation with God (which, interestingly, takes place directly with God and not through the Metatron). If he is indeed hiding something, I would very much like to know what it is.

God’s questioning of Aziraphale in this scene, enquiring as to where his flaming sword is (which it turns out he was specifically given to guard the Eastern Gate of Eden), is in all honesty pretty lacklustre - she leaves without getting any sort of answer from him (not that he’s likely to be able to give one with his beyond half-hearted attempts to find said sword) or giving any indication of her feelings on the matter. Bit odd if you ask me.

Crawly’s opening gambit of the conversation in this scene indicates to us that this is the first time Aziraphale and Crawly have seen each other since the Garden of Eden when he enquires as to the outcome of the angel giving his sword away. Despite 1000 years passing, Crawly recognises Aziraphale and they both remember each other’s names. Not only that, but Crawly still appears to be pretty enraptured – he watches Aziraphale’s face attentively during his attempt at small talk with a sort of doe-eyed flirty expression you might see on a teenage girl talking to their inappropriate (and usually doomed-to-failure) crush:

From this light-hearted adoration, we’re drawn swiftly into an interesting display of humanity of both of their parts. They’re both clearly very uncomfortable with what Heaven has planned.

Crawly makes it clear that there’s a line being crossed as far as he’s concerned here – the killing of innocents is very much NOT OK with him. And Aziraphale agrees with him, but we can see how painful he finds this dilemma: being torn between God’s plans (which must, he believes, be inherently good) and the morality of Heaven’s actions. He tries so hard to toe the company line, but the struggle is written all over his face and in his body language. As a last-ditch effort to prove which side he’s on (because as Crawly points out, this sort of thing is really more his side’s sort of thing), he even resorts to touting the old propaganda about the ineffable plan, but Crawly calls him out on that before he can even say it and Aziraphale knows the argument is lost.

I don’t doubt that we are meant to be reminded of Aziraphale’s actions the last time the two of them got caught in a rain shower when the rain starts in this scene. Unfortunately on this occasion, neither of them are in the position to whip out their wings to shelter one another.

In this scene we discover that after some 4000 years, our demon has changed his name to the one we are more familiar with. Interestingly the second of Aziraphale’s suggestions for some potentially appropriate names he could have adopted (Mephistopheles and Asmodeus) is the name of the king of demons according to Jewish legend. Whether this is a nod to Crowley’s perceived position in Hell’s hierarchy or the pedestal that Aziraphale has mentally placed him on is unclear. What is clear is that the angel seems quite taken with the demon’s actual choice.

Crowley shows his true colours here with the admission that he showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world. This is an absolutely lovely thing to do for a young man who was tasked with carrying the burden of the sin of all of mankind and shows a level of compassion that most human beings wouldn’t be able to match – any doubts that this demon is truly “nice” at heart go out of the window with this revelation.

Let’s address the elephant in the room with this scene – what bug crawled up Crowley’s ass and died? He is in an absolute shitter of a mood here and we don’t get an explanation why. Despite Aziraphale’s clear delight at bumping into him (not surprising really, he looked bored as hell sitting at the table on his own), he seems decidedly unimpressed at the angel’s presence. I’m sure Aziraphale forgetting his newly adopted name (which suggests he was very accustomed to using the old one) and his ridiculous question about whether or not Crowley is still a demon doesn’t help matters, but Crowley is in a pisser before both of those things happen. Despite that, he doesn’t object to Aziraphale sitting down to drink with him, even if his face looks like he would rather be left well alone.

And there’s another, somewhat subtler, pachyderm lurking here too. This is the first time (chronologically) that we see Crowley wearing glasses to hide his eyes. In the scenes we have already seen in Mesopotamia and Golgotha, Crawly/Crowley wanders around, amongst humans, without the trademark sunglasses that we have become so familiar with. I consider this to be an interesting development on two fronts:

I have no doubt that Crowley wears sunglasses, in part, for practical reasons. I don’t think I’m being offensive in saying that if I saw another person walking around with eyes like his, it would definitely strike me as unusual. Some people, particularly at this time in history, might even be frightened by them. My question around the practicality side of this is when and why does Crowley decide to start hiding his eyes from humans? Does he do it to stop them from being frightened or more because he starts to become conscious of people being judgemental? Perhaps it’s a little of both, but mostly I’m keen to know if there’s a particular incident that brings his change of costume about.

We come to discover throughout the series that Crowley typically only removes his glasses in situations where he feels (or wants to make himself) emotionally available. What was it that caused him to start feeling that his eyes were a source of weakness for him? Did something specific happen that made him feel like he needed to start guarding that aspect of him?

I don’t think we are ever given any Clue towards when and/or why Crowley chooses to start wearing sunglasses, but I do feel like both of the above considerations provide hints to his ever-obvious inclination towards “human” qualities.

This is also the first time (chronologically, and at this point in the series) that we see both Aziraphale and Crowley imbibing anything. We’re also about to have confirmation that both of them also eat human food during Aziraphale’s terrible attempt at flirting making small talk.

Note Aziraphale says Petronius (who historically was a novelist, not a chef) does remarkable things to oysters, not with them, which would be more linguistically appropriate. I am also not ignorant of the fact that oysters are almost universally considered to be an aphrodisiac, so Aziraphale’s offer to take Crowley to an oyster restaurant is pretty loaded with subtext, and that sexual tension is about to get ramped up a notch with his offer to tempt the demon into dinner. The knowing look on Crowley’s face at this offer makes it clear that he doesn’t have an issue with that though:

I actually find myself wondering whether Crowley’s statement that he’s never eaten an oyster was really more of a hint for dinner invitation in the first place.

Crowley’s entrance into this scene intrigues me because it appears at first that he doesn’t recognise Aziraphale, despite his visor being open. I’m more inclined to believe that he does recognise him and decides to have a little fun pretending that he doesn’t, just to see if he can get away with it, seeing as he doesn’t look in the least bit surprised when he raises his own visor.

We start to get an idea of just how little Crowley believes in Hell’s ideals here. He’s also starting to realise the futility of sticking to their agenda, pointing out that wherever Heaven and Hell send agents to work against one another, they might as well not do anything at all, or at least that’s the case where he and Aziraphale are concerned. The whole of this conversation is very “work-related” in nature but very importantly it’s the first time we hear of any plans for the angel and demon to work together. It’s no surprise that, what with Aziraphale being the goody-two-shoes he is (no judgement, I am myself one of that tribe), he vehemently rejects the idea of lying in any capacity, not least to his superiors, despite the fact that he agrees with Crowley about their efforts to work against one another being pointless. According to the book, it took them another 500 years to act on this suggestion of working together – the “Arrangement” was first put into action in 1023. Ultimately, Crowley’s idea can only work if they both contribute so for the moment it looks like they’re both left hanging around in “damp places and just cancelling each other out”.

And so that brings me to my planned breakpoint. Again I realise that it might feel an odd place to stop, but I promise it will eventually make sense. And if you’re still with me after all my waffling so far, I commend you – I mostly did all this writing as a way to get the words and thoughts to stop chasing each other around my headspace but if someone else is getting some pleasure out of it all then that makes me happy. I am planning for the next write up to be a little different; covering ONLY the 1601 scene from Hard Times (any hopes that it might be shorter as a result are, I think, ill-conceived) as well as a meta-theory I have based on what happens in that scene. I’m hoping to have a fanfic based on that meta-theory written that I will be releasing at the same time, and there is some historical research I need to do before I can do that so there may be a small delay before I have everything ready to go. I hope you’ll humour me with patience, and that what comes out is worth the wait. See you on the other side!

#good omens #episode analysis #good omens season 1 #aziracrow #ineffable idiots #ineffable husbands #god is a woman #crowley's sunglasses #crawly #aziraphale loves food

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kleenexwoman · 1 year

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Aziraphale is Lucifer, Sauntering Back Upward

There's an amazing meta post about Crowley being Lucifer, and it got me thinking about the nature of their own rebellions. I love the idea that Crowley is Lucifer, and I totally think it fits, but he's a a version of the Adversary seen through a very Jewish lens, possibly even placed there deliberately by God herself as a sleeper agent. (I'm not placing Good Omens God as the good guy here; the whole point of the show is that neither side is good or bad, they're just sides to be on.)

In Judaism, Ha-Satan is an Adversary in a way that translates to "The Opposing Advocate" or "The Prosecuting Attorney" (Hebrew is Really Old and only has so many words to convey concepts), and his actual job, as appointed by G-d, is Asking Questions. He's appointed to do that. He's one of the mazikim, an angel who does G-d's dirty work of testing, tempting, judging, and destroying (I know Neil knows what this is, he named a character that!). And why was Crowley placed as the Tempter of Man? Well, he's really good at asking questions. He was turned into a demon because he had a lot of questions.

The assumption is that this is a punishment.

Job also thought he was being punished, but he wasn't. He was being used as a test because he was such a great example. Crucially, the Jewish interpretation of this story is not about trusting G-d and being rewarded or whatever, it's "Being very good doesn't mean that you'll be rewarded on Earth, it means that you'll probably have an even harder time here because G-d is using you to prove something." The double livestock and children are not meant to be a reward, they are due compensation for damages. (The Mishnah says equal cost, but I think Pain and Suffering counts for an awful lot in this case, so it's only right that he gets twice the livestock.)

Whereas Aziraphale, actually? Is not only a Christian angel, but a Christian Lucifer who is sauntering very slowly downward. A Lucifer whose job is not to ask questions, but who actually tests the angels themselves and leads them to rebellion.

(Additionally, I think it's really funny that Aziraphale and Crowley are having the exact same argument as G-d and Satan in the Book of Job, which is that it's very easy to do the right thing if you're rich but hard if you're poor, but they pick a very poor person instead of a rich one and end up taking everything away from her, and she's tempted to suicide. Great job, Aziraphale. Proves my point.)

Let's look Before the Beginning.

The first line in Genesis is about G-d creating the heavens and the Earth. So this is obviously even before "Let there be light," Market Version. The Miltonian War in Heaven takes place before that, so obviously this is before the Earth even happens. So what's Crowley doing, speaking the Divine Command when the Earth isn't around yet?

Well, without God looking over his shoulder, he's setting the stage for things like matter and energy to even be able to exist before the Earth even has the conditions to form. He's disbursing the Divine Light that's contained in the now-shattered vessels of the Sfirot.

Rav Wikipedia sums it up thusly: 'Because the sephirot are pure and unrelated to each other at this stage, each attribute alone is unable to contain the enormity of the Divine light as it descends into them, and the "vessels" (Keilim) of the sephirot undergo a "shattering" (Shevirah), creating the World of "Chaos" (tohu). Their Divine light is released and reascends, while the broken vessel fragments descend, still animated by "sparks" (Nitzotz) of light."

So, Crowley summons that Divine Light, it Big Bangs out and shatters existence into being, and Divine Light shoots out all over the place. Now, in medieval Kabbalah, this separation was considered to be a result of humans sinning, but in Lurianic Kabbalah, which is a reaction to the very beginnings of the Spanish Inquisition (the thing that got Crowley so upset with humanity), it's a necessary part of Creation. Divine Sparks being trapped inside the shards of the vessels it was stored in and forgetting what they were is necessary for consciousness that's not just a part of G-d to exist.

That's Crowley's job. It's necessary. We used to believe this was a mistake, but turns out it's not! This cosmic separation is actually really important, otherwise the Divine Sparks cannot forget their origin and experience individual consciousness and thus free will.

"In the Lurianic scheme, Creation is initiated by a primordial radical Divine "self-withdrawal" (Tzimtzum), forming a figurative "empty space/vacuum" (Khalal) in which only an "imprint" (Reshimu) remains of the withdrawn Ein Sof."

Compare this to Crowley and Gabriel's discussion of their lack of memory feeling like a house where furniture used to be. But also, consider how out of touch Crowley is with the whole Divine Bureaucracy at this point. He's clearly been left alone to do his own thing and hasn't heard what's going on in the scheme of things.

So what's Aziraphale doing there? He's just blithely winging his way across empty space, a little spark of light, when Crowley calls out to him. He doesn't appear to be doing anything more urgent or important. He comes over, asks what's up, and Crowley gives him a task -- holding the blueprint while he activates it into existence by turning a crank. Crucially, Crowley needs somebody to help him bring existence, as imperfect and chaotic as it is, into a place where it can even start to think about being. Trapping the Divine Spark in matter.

This is real fuckin sexual. It suggests Hesiod's placement of Eros as an act of attractive, sexual love as the beginning of existence, but also it's a pretty obvious sexual pun.

(The Gnostics would identify Crowley as the Demiurge for this, but we're not talking about them. I don't think Neil is trying to do anything with Gnostic mythos here; it would be a lot more obvious if he was.)

What is Aziraphale's response to this? He's disappointed that Crowley is praising Creation instead of praising his own personal beauty. It's only a second, but wow, how petty can you be? Someone has just unleashed the full beauty of the first moments of existence before you and you're like, "Wait, I'm pretty, too!" I mean, you did just metaphorically cum existence into being and I guess you're stuck in the wet spot, you could use some aftercare.

That sounds a lot like Milton's Satan. He's the prettiest boy in Heaven, and his whole thing is that he's not impressed by humanity and they should be worshipping him instead of him having to serve them. Aziraphale is a little jelly of Creation from the very start. So jelly, in fact, that he starts talking shit about it. Oh, this? Yeah, it's not that important. It's just a backdrop for humanity. Yeah, some little apes on an unregarded little blue-green planet far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy. That's what this is all about. Yeah, uh-huh, sucks to be you. Well, I wouldn't do anything stupid like raising a fuss about it. Oh, you're gonna? Ooh, don't, it's pretty dangerous. Little old angel like me could never. I don't even know what gravity is.

And yeah, maybe he was sent there to give Crowley the news in the first place, but still.

(@mischief-and-tea-by-the-sea , who suggested I tag @neil-gaiman , also points out that many interpretations suggest that Milton portrays the Fall as a Felix culpa or necessary fault, a planned thing like the shattering of the Divine Vessels in Lurianic Kabbalah -- both are necessary for independent consciousness to exist.)

God could have totally sent him to check up on Crowley, not just inform him of the new developments in the plan. Oh yeah, that one nerdy angel who got all geeked about nebulae. He's gonna flip his shit when he realizes this isn't going to run long enough for any new stars to form. Let's send my insecure little gay gossip over to see how he takes it. Ooh, he came right the fuck up to my office with a serious attitude. I mean, I don't wanna deal with that on a daily basis, but he's making some good points. I need to put him where I can use that attitude and also not have to deal with that attitude...

Not only that, but Aziraphale gives fire and the first weapon of war to Adam. These are traits identified with Prometheus and with Azazel, another name for Satan, in two different traditions.

One common interpretation of Milton is that his sympathetic Satan shares traits with Prometheus, acting as a bringer of enlightenment and a heroic figure to humanity, risking his angelic status for actions that will ultimately free humanity from the yoke of the gods. Prometheus risked the wrath of Zeus to give fire to the humans and was punished endlessly for it, and is prophesied to someday rise and do battle with the forces of Order at the end of time. Prometheus is also associated with the human brain and toolmaking (because of the fire), as well as being ultimately responsible for Pandora, the First Woman, who likewise doomed humanity because of her curiosity and disobedience of the gods.

According to the Book of Enoch, the angel Azazel, another name for Lucifer or Satan (I think by now it's pretty clear that Satan is just gonna be whichever angel is being an Adversary at the time, but w/e) was the leader of the Grigori, the angels who lusted after humans so much they decided to fuck them. Azazel personally taught them smithing and how to make weapons of war (and makeup; Aziraphale does love disguises and sleight of hand). Very Promethean. Aziraphale didn't Fall then, true, but he's also Human Gay. Possibly because his first individual experience was being attracted to (and, uh, Used for Cranking It until Creation exploded into being by) Crowley. Regardless of how much agency he had in his Gayness, he probably brought humanity the gift of Gay Sex and thus avoided having any Nefil babies that had to be drowned like half-tabby Siamese kittens in the Sandman, so he didn't Fall then either, but gee it was a narrow miss. He must have been worried about what else God could do to angels, which is why he was so terrified about his child-saving lie with Job.

(Of note is that literally the only remotely Biblical book that refers to an archangel rebelling directly against G-d for the Throne of Heaven is the Book of Enoch. Yep! Just there! It's not a Jewish belief at all, along with the idea of Original Sin or the snake being Satan--that is your Animal Urge, and it's necessary to live but you should not let it control your behavior, in Jewish thought.)

And the thing is that he does Fall a little after lying to God. She never speaks to him again, so he's left in constant doubt and has to be forced to make his own decisions, just like a demon. He obviously never tells any of the other angels, just Crowley. But you can see his anxiety about this constantly, and I bet there's a little part of him that wonders if he's actually Fallen and somehow nobody has noticed yet, but worries that the moment they do he'll be officially kicked out of Heaven. That's gotta be so, so bad for you.

But there he sits, acting as an angel, irritating the other angels to the point of extreme measures simply by being himself, the way that Crowley does to humans and other demons with lots of thought and cleverness.

He even offers Crowley the temptation to defy God's decision and take control in Heaven. Yeah, Crowley is horrified by the idea, but he's gotta stop and think about it for at least a moment, right? Crowley just didn't take it because he sees beyond the system. He already knows that the sides are bullshit in the same way I told my Christian classmates that they didn't need to worry about devils because they were really still just all angels and Hell was obviously a lie to keep them under control. (Mazikim!) Crowley wasn't tempted to take power because questioning the System is literally his job right now.

He obviously corrupted Gabriel by being so clearly in love and enjoying himself on Earth. Gabriel has his clothing tailored special and wants to save it, just like Aziraphale, even though he doesn't give a shit before. He wants to stop the Apocalypse and keep things status quo, even though he didn't before -- that's Aziraphale rubbing off on him. He wanted to meet his Hellish counterpart in a place where humans eat and drink, just like Aziraphale. And he decided that he was going to fall in love with his counterpart and even start enjoying music, just like Aziraphale, and face exile with graciousness just like Aziraphale.

Aziraphale literally tempted Gabriel to Fall. He didn't do it by asking questions, just by being himself. Enjoying things. Enjoying clothing and music and love and Earth and peace and the status quo. Indulging himself and his desires above serving God or, frankly, the humans. (Yeah, I know, he tries when he bothers, but he's still a lazy, petty bitch who prefers his personal drama and own sense of comfort to nearly everything else, and he barely tries to hide it. That's why we love him.)

And now?

Baby is Supreme Archangel. And he's gonna defy God about it. This is everything the Miltonian Lucifer ever wanted.

#good omens #good omens meta #good omens theory #good omens thoughts

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gobstoppercowboy · 1 year

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Okay so I finished watching Good Omens 2 last night and I just have so so many thoughts on **that ending** that I feel compelled to share even though no one’s gonna read it. (But it would be nice if someone took pity and did)

Spoilers below!

Okay. So.

The thing that literally kept me up last night and had me staring at the ceiling at 2am was Aziraphale’s “I forgive you” following the kiss.

Neil Gaiman (the brilliance that he is) has made it pretty clear that he wanted this line to be a multiplicity and to both confuse and invoke us as viewers to gather our own interpretation of the moment, and Aziraphale’s character at this point in the story, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve exactly … got my own solid interpretation, yet.

Initially, to me, giving the response of forgiveness implies that Aziraphale read the kiss from Crowley as some convoluted version of an apology. As if Crowley’s kiss was a messy “I’m sorry, but”, that Aziraphale just doesn’t know how to deal with or where to go with. We watch him stutter and struggle with himself before biting out his words of forgiveness — I don’t think it was said on a whim or by accident. I really believe that Aziraphale meant that “I forgive you” and had intended for it to land the way that it did. But I could be wrong, obviously.

However, what complicates this for the pair of them, is that I don’t think Crowley went into the kiss with any specific sort of meaning. He didn’t do it to replace words, especially not an apology. He’s adamant in his stances on Heaven and Hell and has been throughout the series — unapologetically so, which is the essence of who he is.

To me, the kiss was a “look at me, acknowledge me, see me for what I am” action from Crowley. He laid himself bare and put himself into the open — showing Aziraphale that this is his priority, that this is where he wants to be, and that under no circumstances will he be willing to return to Heaven for its ease or convenience, and never because it could be seen as the ‘right’ thing to do. It was Crowley telling him, “I don’t care what’s right and I don’t care what’s wrong. I care about this.” I’d say this is really emphasised by the physicality of the kiss — the grabbing of Aziraphale’s clothes, the forced prolonging of it.

It wasn’t an apology, and it wasn’t an “I love you”, either. I think it’s so important that that statement isn’t said aloud between the pair of them. Crowley has already expressed his love for Aziraphale in countless other ways that I don’t think I really need to recount. Crowley doesn’t struggle with showing Aziraphale that he loves him, what he struggles with is being open about what he wants to come from it — whereas, Aziraphale does not.

Aziraphale evidently wants their love to be able to translate as a catalyst for doing good, or saving humanity in Heaven, working together as Angels. He’s not trying to change Crowley from evil to good, because he already perceives him as being good — he just isn’t aware of how different the goodness is between them, and how much of an exception Aziraphale is to Crowley. Because, Crowley doesn’t care about doing ‘good’ or what’s ‘right’ — he just cares for what he knows to be true, or what he feels is important. It just happens that this regularly aligns with Aziraphale’s perception of ‘goodness’, because Crowley isn’t an evil person. Aziraphale aims to be ‘good’, Crowley aims to be true.

Crowley wants their love to manifest as a third party, in a way. He wants their love to be able to open doors for them, not confine them into one static room (ie: as he perceives Heaven, or Hell for that matter). Crowley doesn’t believe that their own personal freedom, and fighting for what they want, can intersect with the structure of somewhere like Heaven. But Aziraphale takes a more potentially naive stance on this, believing emphatically that it can because of their love for each other, because of their willingness to work together — not in spite of it, as Crowley does.

This then of course brings us to Crowley’s “don’t bother”.

This, I’ve struggled with unpicking a bit more.

As Crowley never meant his kiss as an apology, he’ll obviously interpret Aziraphale’s “I forgive you” in a different light.

It could be an effort to further reject the values of Heaven / religion in a wider sense; seeing forgiveness as one of those core Christian/‘good’ values that Aziraphale is constantly trying to measure up to or abide by. His “don’t bother” would therefore echo his utter exasperation with trying to understand Aziraphale’s determination to live by Heaven’s standard or rules, no longer caring if his bluntness hurts his feelings.

Or, Crowley could be highly aware of how his kiss was misunderstood by Aziraphale to mean an apology. Then, his “don’t bother” just highlights his disappointment in being so deeply misunderstood by someone who he cares so much for. He thought Aziraphale knew what he stood for and respected it — but this whole encounter has seemingly proved him wrong, thus Crowley’s defences have spiked again. After his monologue of vulnerability, of almost pleading with him, he forces himself back into himself. He chooses not to fight anymore, because if Aziraphale doesn’t agree with him immediately to begin with — then this isn’t a battle he wants to win. Because, above all, he wants Aziraphale to be happy. And if Crowley’s offer doesn’t bring him happiness, then he doesn’t want to force his energy arguing about it — and would rather just “not bother”, simply laying it all to rest and accepting his loss. If Aziraphale would be happier in Heaven, knowing that Crowley will never follow him, then so be it.

We immediately see Aziraphale panicking once Crowley leaves, leading me to believe that we’re probably gonna see some sort of apology arc in season three? But then again, the way Sheen acted Aziraphale in the elevator as the credits roll makes this maybe … not guaranteed? There was something very powerful going on in that little sequence. I think we’ll see new sides to Aziraphale’s character in season three.

Anyway! Going to try and wrap this up now before I embarrass myself even more.

Kind of TLDR: The kiss wasn’t an “I love you”, and it wasn’t an apology. We’re still yet to get either of these things (plainly and verbally) from Crowley and Aziraphale, but I suspect we’ll be getting them in season three.

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spaceorphan18 · 1 year

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Glee Musical Retrospective: Hell-O Extras

Don't Rain on My Parade (Instrumental)

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I couldn't find the actual scene - but I found this really fun karaoke version in case you guys wanna play at home ;)

Anyway... this song plays in the background of the opening scene when Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt are all walking in the hallway. It's the only song that isn't related to the word 'hell' and is really a nod to the previous group of episodes, their sectionals win, and the fact that Rachel believes she's now a star -- her own triumphant music playing in her head. Of course that all comes crashing down as they get slushied, but it's a nice opening touch.

It's also quite the energetic and provocative piece even without the vocals and gives the reentrance of the show some oomph. I recommend taking a moment and just singing it for yourself! ;)

Hello, Again

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Will and Emma dance to Neil Diamond's Hello, Again. I find it kind of interesting that they didn't let Will sing this to her -- and for that matter, Will (and Emma) don't have any songs to sing together this episode -- which shows the departure of the story from the adult world.

I think this is a really nice song for them, though. The lyrics reflect a man who's happy to be in the arms of his love and friend -- and the scene kind of does the meta'ing for you, actually. It's gentle and calm and kind of reflects the friends-turned-lovers relationship that Will and Emma have taken. Plus, the dancing together is somewhat reminiscent of those old school romantic films.

What I don't totally buy is that it's Will and Terri's prom song. Not only do I not buy that teens in the mid-90s would be into Neil Diamond, but I'd bet Terri would be much more vocal and dominating about that kinda thing. But it does very much reflect Will and his personality, so who knows.

I do think it reflects that the writers often write Will as being much older than he actually is -- since a lot of their choices often reflect someone who grew up in the late 80s. But I digress...

Hello Twelve, Hello Thirteen, Hello Love

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Oh my gosh, this scene.... lol

I can see why they cut it. I mean, it was probably for time more than anything, but I feel like this whole sequence really highlights how Rachel and Jesse 'get' each other. It might also be a lot -- too much too fast, especially when Finchel was a tirelessly slow burn over the previous 13 episodes -- so it's a bit head spinning.

But I do like the scene overall. The song is about growing up -- and discovering your sexuality -- though in the most theater kid way (which makes it kind of funny, tbh). And it's interesting to me -- that while Finn was the subject of Rachel's idolatry, Jesse is a very realized romantic partner for her. And I wonder if one reason they cut it is that it undermines the overall Finchel story when Rachel and Jesse click in a way that Rachel and Finn never have.

(I also wonder if this scene is too similar -- though in a more childish way - to the upcoming Like A Virgin montage that will be coming in the next episode - another reason they probably cut it.)

Anyway, the song is cute, but is a minor inlay of the major fabric of the St. Berry romance.

#the great glee rewatch #so's musical retrospective #glee #glee music

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brsb4hls · 1 year

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I think one of the main issues with not only s2 but some of s1 as well as that only neil was involved with the creation of both of them because terry unfortunately passed away. It lost something vital in that moment. In s1, they still had the book and I think s1 did a good job as far as adaptations go with some grievances, but now in s2, it's whatever neil is going to do and with how active he is on tumblr and how the fans are and how he's reacting to them, it's losing the spirit of the original even further. Not BECAUSE the ship is canon, but everything else surrounding the ship and how we got there and how the writers and the actors are changing the characters more as they progress from one season to the next. I watched s2 feeling giddy for more good omens and very quickly that giddiness turned sort of confused and disappointed. I didn't want disjointed filler fanfic with a loose plot. It didn't fit. It didn't feel right. Overall, I didn't hate the season, but I didn't quite like it either. The handful of you good omens critical blogs have summed it up very well for me and I'm surprised it's not a more popular opinion. I've just seen a couple people talking about how book fans are complaining which is the most dismissive way to put it. I'm not sure if people are blinded by their theories and canon ship or they just don't care that this season felt almost fanmade, but I'm sad that the book and tv show versions are now miles apart rather than cousins.

That's a long ask, thank you for sharing!

I actually did like season 1, too. The book is very hard to transfer to tv imo and choices had to be made.

Technically, Adam is the main character, but putting more focus on him would either mean a) a kid show with a lot of stuff about the them or b) more Anathema and conspiracy theories discussion.

That probs wouldn't have worked that well, so Gaiman made the two most colourfull characters the protagonists and in order to flesh them out added to their relationship.

Other stuff was added for comedic reasons or drama. Which I get.

So season one was a fair interpretation with necessary (to appeal to a mainstream audience) changes.

And both actors were doing an amazing job, so that helps.

Another plus is that a lot of new fans had so much fun with the material and created a ton of art/fics and revived the fandom.

And then it went off the rails somehow.

The thing is, Good Omens isn't a drama. A lot of dramatic events happen, but they feel understated, it's mainly weird, quirky and funny.

It also isn't a love story. In the romantic sense.

There is a lot of love in the book.

And I truely do not know what exactly happened, that turned such a unique little thing into the most bland, generic romance.

Probably capitalism.

I mean, just watching Crowley and Aziraphale trying to weather everyday life without having their jobs anymore would have been hilarious, but probs to niche.

And I would love to know what made Gaiman change his tune in regards to the nature of their relationship.

He does not really answer stuff, though, he's good at circumventing.

I hope at least it wasn't tumblr that influenced him. In most cases a creative process suffers from too much social media interaction. (Season 3 could get even worse).

The fandom dynamics regarding criticsm are always complicated.

I do speculate that most hyper positive fans are fairly new, just in it for the ship and going with the flow.

Also critcism is kinda a four letter word these days.

Sadly.

I mean it can be fun and relieving to went or pick apart or even ridicule and as long as it's tagged correctly nobody gets hurt by it.

Maybe 'Good Omens' also is a sore subject, because after years of being vague, Crowley/Aziraphale actually got canonized, and no matter what they represent as, they do look like a gay couple to the general audience, and people might be afraid criticsm might reflect badly on the representation they finally got.

Who knows.

In the end, one can always cherry pick. I do like some scenes, I do ship Crowley/Aziraphale, but I'm disappointed that their characters went full on angel/demon cliche contrary to the appealing, nuanced book versions.

And yeah, there is no actual plot so we might as well have gotten smth like Crowley tries to earn money by becoming an uber driver or smth (there's great fanfic about that).

But that's just me, I do get why people enjoy it. Criticsm just helps to deal a bit with the disappointment, because, like you, I was initially thrilled about the second season.

#anonymous #good omens critical #good omens #good omens season 2 #I could go on forever about that #But actually I just wanna ask why Gaiman switched their personalities to fit the cliche so much #which is the saddest thing #but he wouldn't answer that anyways

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fantasyinvader · 10 months

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And, before anyone says anything, my problems with the TLoU2's story are based around 3 key areas:

1) The retcons of the original game in order to facilitate TLoU2. I get that Neil saw things differently, but that wasn't the story told by the first game. Neil is altering not just his own work, but the work and contributions of other members of the original team to justify his view of the story. He wants to make himself out to be the sole mind behind the story, and I feel this is disrespectful especially since Ellie and Joel's stories were supposed to be done after the first game. They even did a live event to say goodbye to them!

2) I feel that when Neil Druckmann talks about how tribalism is bad, how there's two sides to every story and all that cycle of revenge stuff then talks about how Abby's ending is meant to say that there's hope for her, I feel like he's just undermined his own point. Abby, in my eyes, exemplifies the things the game is speaking out again.

a) She turns on her old allies, the fascist WLF, not out of moral opposition to them attempting to genocide the Scars but because she identified Lev and his sister being like her. She calls Lev, her people, and in the end takes Lev from Seattle to California to try and rejoin the Fireflies, the terrorist organization that raised her.

b) She treats Joel as the bad guy for killing her father, understandable when you take into consideration her age and her being a child soldier. She had to use the power of hatred, reminding herself of what Joel did, to kill him after Joel saved her life, and she pointed a gun at a disarmed Ellie when she learned why Joel killed her father while acting like just because Abby let Ellie live before (after seeing Abby violently murder Joel after torturing him) Ellie should have just let her be. It's a complete lack of self-awareness from, again, an ex-child soldier indoctrinated by her father in believing she's the good guy no matter what she does to win.

c) Abby spares Ellie at Lev's insistence in Seattle, but her survival comes from Ellie coming after her again. If Ellie hadn't followed her to California, Abby would have died tied to a stake after being recaptured by slavers when she tried to escape. Abby was willing to leave the people there to suffer if she and Lev could get out, again tribalism, whereas the slaves were kept right next to where they stored the weapons. Abby could have freed people, but instead it nearly caused her to die and she only lived because Ellie didn't break the cycle.

I've heard the original ending would have featured Ellie killing Abby only for it not to make things better, and if that had been the case I feel it would have worked far better. Game would not have been as hypocritical.

3) I really get pissed at how Lev was used. Lev is trans and escaped from his cult when he wanted to be a warrior rather than an elder's wife. The cult is based on an island, and is compared to the Fireflies a couple of times in the story. Abby takes Lev to join the Fireflies, becoming a child soldier for them at their island base. Lev's story goes full circle, escaping exploitation from one group of fanatics only to be delivered to another for a different type of exploitation, and the game doesn't see anything wrong with this. It's meant to say there's hope… FOR ABBY. Lev's entire story is to benefit Abby's story regardless of the implications, and again I feel this could have been fixed with the original ending.

That's my issues with TLoU2. I can make death of the author readings of the game, I've done that before because I feel there is a good story somewhere in there, but the intended morals snuff it out. The game still plays great and if the rogue-like mode added to the new version was available for my PS4 copy I would still have the thing installed, but the hypocritical story that creates such dissonance between what it shows and what it wants to say, that destroys the experience for me.

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aquilathefighter · 1 year

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Ten Books To Know Me

Rules: 10 (non-ancient) books for people to get to know you better, or that you just really like.

Thanks for the tag @littledreamling and @mathomhouse-e!!

I'm taking non-ancient literally, you will be getting literature from the 19th century lmao. In no particular order:

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne

This book was my hook into the sci-fi genre! It's such a fun adventure to live in the world underwater in the Nautilus! I still have the annotated version my parents got me when I was around 9 or 10 with a very beat-up, well-loved dust jacket.

2. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

Vonnegut's style is so influential. I adore the non-linearity of the story, how Billy gets "unstuck in time" and we see snippets of his past and his future. Of course the anti-war message is near and dear to my heart and the perspective of people who have been to war is so critical to hear. Vonnegut also has a special place in my heart as someone who taught the Iowa Writers' Workshop because that program is something my home state produces that I can be very proud of.

3. Silent Spring by Rachel Carson

C'mon, I'm an ecologist! I have a degree in environmental science! This is an obvious choice for someone who cares about the environment, as it demonstrated the dangers of DDT to the public. Carson is a personal hero of mine as she essentially kickstarted the environmental movement and became one of the best science communicators in the United States. Her writing is simple, clear, and easy to understand even if you have no background in biology and chemistry. An amazing way to make people see what we are doing to our Earth.

4. Welcome to Subbirdia by John Marzluff

Woohoo! First bird book on the list! I read this in my first year seminar in college and it opened my eyes to how cool urban ecology is. I learned so much about how inhospitable suburbia can be for wildlife and what we can do to invite them back to where we live, so we can actually live beside native plants, animals, and other organisms. It's a great entry-level book about birds, the biodiversity crisis, and urban ecology.

5. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I love the weird, the silly, and the bizarre. Hitchhiker's Guide has had such an impact on my sense of humor and outlook on life. I'm gonna use this space to recommend the entire trilogy in five parts to you.

6. American Gods by Neil Gaiman

Are we shocked that a Neil book landed on here? I read this in 2021 when I was working just outside the Boundary Waters in northern Minnesota. It actually made me a friend who introduced me to Good Omens and then Discworld. I miss him dearly. Anyways, what a fantastic world that I really felt quite at home in as a Midwesterner. Sam Black Crow is one of my favorite characters of all time.

7. Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

One of my earliest beloved poets. Whitman does so much with rhythm and sound in his poems; it's no surprise he's recognized as one of the American greats. I love his use of natural imagery and the way he explores the connections between people. And the powerful homoeroticism.

8. What Do We Know by Mary Oliver

Another poet, and a tumblr favorite at that! Oliver's poetry really speaks to my soul as someone who takes in the wonders all around us, big and small. Her prose poems are truly skilled, and if you read any of them I really adore At Blackwater Pond to get a taste.

9. Sand County Almanac by Aldo Leopold

I am so, so soft-hearted for the ecology of the Midwest and for the people who take the time to look and listen and learn from all the living beings that surround us. I've shared a quote from this book before but it really gets to the crux of what is so beautiful about the essays and natural history within:

"It is fortunate, perhaps, that no matter how intently one studies the hundred little dramas of the woods and meadows, one can never learn all of the salient facts about any one of them."

10. The Sibley Guide to Birds, 2nd Edition by David Allen Sibley

Last but not least, my favorite bird guide! This thing has been everywhere with me. I'm 95% sure that some of the pages have my blood on them. It's certainly got dirt all over it. This book is my bible. I take it wherever I go when I lead birding trips and when I'm somewhere that has unfamiliar birds. It is the best field guide for North American birds in my opinion.

Not sure who hasn't done this yet! Obviously no pressure to do it <3

@altair214 @lenreli @galacticstingray @pintobordeaux

#tag game

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volixia669 · 2 years

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So apparently twitter folks are doing a, “Sell Snyderverse to Netflix” thing and 1. I’m begging people to understand how corporate IP works and 2. I’m begging fans of Superhero movies to watch more films.

I say this as someone who enjoys comics, superheroes, and even some of the films btw. In fact, it’s because I love these characters and worlds so much that I’m just kinda in disbelief there’s so much hype for Snyder’s work. (Not to say I agree with how whats his face is taking DC either, but that’s a different matter)

But right, first, corporate IP.

Zack Snyder was a director who had various ideas for how a DC film verse could work, as DC/Warner Brothers was trying to copy the success Marvel had with the MCU. He does not own the characters within that verse. He can play with them, and people can identify the characters as Snyder’s take on them, but he does not own them, or the movies he made. DC/Warner Brothers does.

Now, could they sell the rights to Snyder’s take on the verse to Netflix? Eh? It’s complicated. Primarily because it requires differentiating Snyder’s version of the characters from what DC owns, and that brings into question if DC owns the takes that other writers have done, and it’s a whole mess and a half.

That said, they could potentially license the characters to Netflix, and Snyder could make films that way. However, given how DC didn’t want to give Neil Gaiman John Constantine for Sandman, a character Gaiman HAS written for btw, because of a seemingly now canned live action show, that seems HIGHLY unlikely.

Also, none of this makes sense for either Netflix or DC/WarnerBrothers/HBO. Netflix is just asking to lose money with all their “reducing password sharing” nonsense, and while they’ve spent a good chunk of money on other IP, the cost to license the fucking Justice League would be astronomical. And they’re definitely not going to sell the rights to their blockbuster movies to Netflix. Turn them into tax write offs? Sure. Nix them from streaming platforms? Absolutely. But sell the rights to something that would also include toy & other merchandise sales? Never.

And now the second, extremely inflammatory, point.

Please watch more movies.

And this isn’t me being pretentious. I’m not even saying it has to be good movies. I love a good Rifftrax myself, and I regularly watch random scifi schlock I find on Hulu or whatever.

But like, the more you broaden your horizons, the more film you consume, the better you’ll be able to recognize certain tropes, understand certain styles, and may even find there are films you enjoy outside of the mega franchises.

Personally I find Zack Snyder movies to be fairly...mid. They’re flashy, sure, and can have decent moments. But his takes on the DC characters just...don’t even feel like the characters to me, which is a failing in itself, and overall, his use of lighting, CGI, and pacing are meh.

His films are popcorn films, and that’s fine. But by watching a wide variety of films, both popcorn & deeply innovating, it’s easier to understand where the flaws are. It’s also easier to appreciate films by other, smaller, studios and directors who don’t have the budgets he does.

Because y’know what? This megamonopoly corporate monster that has consumed the film industry is stifling creativity. It favors bland, mediocre, by the book films, while directors of marginalized genders, races, and/or sexualities are left by the wayside unless they manage to come into some once in a lifetime opportunity. So many stories are being ignored as corporations believe they won’t make a profit.

So maybe instead of demanding Snyder get a fifth chance to make more DC films, demand more funding be given to indie film studios. Demand to hear more from marginalized people. Demand these streaming platforms stop removing items in a bid to avoid paying residuals, and demand there be better protections for those working on their content.

And yes. Watch more films.

#snyderverse #zack snyder #support films by smaller studios and marginalized creators #demand more funding for indies not for snyder #CAN WE PLEASE GIVE MORE PEOPLE A CHANCE #PEOPLE WHO AREN'T KNOWN FOR BEING SEXIST

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aindreisblythe · 1 year

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✨ Aindreis Blythe 🪐

"Does the sun ask itself ‘Am I good? Am I worthwhile? Is there enough of me?’ No, it burns and shines."

Name: Aindreis Kenneth Oliver Blythe

Nicknames: Andy, Dreis.

Date and place of birth: 10th December, 1989 in Summerside, Prince Edward Island (Canada).

Gender identity: cisgender male, he/him.

Residential area: Downtown, East Haven.

Occupation: Project manager/event planner at Gemini.

In East Haven since: beginning of March 2023

Faceclaim: Logan Lerman.

Wanted Connections - Living Space

Biography

Trigger warnings: alcoholism.

Aindreis Kenneth Oliver Blythe sees light for the very first time on December 10th 1989 in Summerside’s General Hospital, the second biggest on Canada’s smallest province, Prince Edward Island. He’s the second of what would become 5 brothers. Daniél, Aindreis, Tomàs, Ethan and Ianathan. Only three of them would be born on PEI. Indeed, as Tomàs, 7 years younger than Aindreis, was approaching his first birthday, their father, Neil, got the opportunity to go back to Inverness and take over his retiring father’s fishing company. So they did, they left Canada behind for Bonny Scotland. Aindreis was almost 8 when he put down his little suitcase in his brand new room, in an almost new country where the accent was funny to his young ear. He had never been a tall child, and he was lean, and having skipped a grade, he always found himself among bigger kids. It wasn’t easy, and now he was going to be the new kid. He wasn’t looking forward to that.

Turns out that he didn’t have to. Turns out that Inverness wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. His cousins were around, and he met a best friend, Ali, the only kid who decided he was interesting enough to sit next to at the camp fire. Inverness slowly turned into a home, and Andy couldn’t ask for more. His family was complicated and getting crowded, but he wouldn’t change them for anything in the world. Scotland was more welcoming than he thought, and it sometime reminded him of PEI. Came even a surprising moment when his lips unexpectedly met Ali’s. He’d never thought too much about dating before that, but the unasked question had found an answer. An answer that stayed secret, hidden, to Aindreis’s sadness, but it didn’t matter. He was able to hold his hand at lunch behind the bleachers and maybe that could be enough.

But Richard Siken was right when he wrote “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” Ali left first. Andy didn’t understand. Well, he was never given a head’s up or an answer afterwards. His best friend, his boyfriend, just didn’t dare even meet his eyes in school hallways, and Andy was lost. The rest of high school went by with dimmed colours, but the graduated from his A-levels first of his class. Now, he could leave Inverness and all the memories, good and bad.

Stars. Andy’s passions had always been the stars, the universe, space, you name it. So he was trying to get closer to them. Astronaut was never his calling. Nasa, maybe one day. Right now, he was heading to Cambridge University on a fellowship for a degree in physics, with a minor in astronomy. It was his dream… And he threw it away. Looking back, it was a combination of so many things. Freshers week and student parties, a bit of lying to oneself that was we’re doing is definitely not a problem, Cambridge University’s tendency to ask troubled students to isolate as to not disturb the studies of others, a “predisposition for substance abuse” as the doctor said after diagnosing him with ADHD during the three long months he spend in rehab after being kicked out of university for being drunk in class.

Sobriety didn’t last long once he left. And he did leave. Roaming around Europe then Canada, spending less than a year in each place, taking on every small job he could. He stopped fleeing at the sight of every serious thing, every problem, everyone in Toronto. Toronto where he stayed longer than anywhere else. 2 years. One of which he spend with his new boyfriend. Relationship he threw away as he threw away 10 month of sobriety, imposed by a dilemma. Me or the alcohol. The alcohol, Caleb, you lose. Andy did lose too. Back to square one, he thought as he stepped back into a rehabilitation centre.

You may wonder where he went next. He went back to the green field and colourful boats of Inverness. It felt like a failure at the time, but it was the best decision he’s ever made. A decision that lead him to here, to coming to East Haven This time, moving wasn’t running from something or someone, he was coming towards a new job, and a new life with found-again love far from old memories. A new adventure.

#easthavenintro #aindreis blythe

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biillys · 8 months

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snippet, summary, something for these please! and I added my own commentary.

summer but brba summer but WHAT now?

nooo one is haunted? loves me? this feels like a fill-in-the-blank :)

hwbthm what does this mean?

happiest sad girl okay okay you're speaking my language

worlds worst employee pls be about Billy in a cat cafe or something

fire and grace great title, I am curious!

summer ***** is this the naughty version of "summer"?

kdjfhkjsdahk luc i Love you. thankyou 🥺 this is atrociously long because i love to ramble and can not just simply post a simple paragraph at a time, instead posting entire scenes. i am SORRY.

also i apparently write a lot about characters dying and getting killed and murder also there's mentions of abortion and miscarriage also there's child abuse and child sexual absue. so trigger warnings for all that. starting to realise i really do not write fluff

summer but brba:

okay before i can be like. summer but breaking bad! i first need to explain Summer. which is my twd au aka my lil baby my actual heartbeat the Love of my life etc. and then the brba part is like. not actual very breaking bad at all. it's just me borrowing one character from it because i feel like todd makes a Good and Interesting villain who i could like. mold into the character i wanted for certain purposes becos i'm not creative enough to make oc's. and it was easier to differentiate between the different summer fics by key words, hence = but brba.

anyway! it's bascially a fucked up version where instead of just having a shitty childhood with neil as a father and a phantom dream of a mother, he also has todd as an uncle. he's technically not related and more a guy his dad knew from a friend of a friend in the army, but somehow todd starts coming over for dinner, hanging out on friday nights, and before billy knows it, he's staying at todd's shitty ranch on the weekends, when neil's gotta work the late shift and doesn't trust billy to be home alone unsupervised for an extra 2 hours. so, todd's a fucking creep, and billy learns that the hard way, and he tries to tell neil once, and that goes over as well as expected, so he just grins and bears it, and he thinks maybe susan will pick up on shit when she enters the picture, except she looks the other way at most things, so billy's like. just super fucked up and ready for the end of the world when it hits, because why wouldn't the world end when he's already at rock bottom.

then, instead of just billy, max, and neil surviving into the end of the world, good old uncle todd tags along, too. they head to the quarry together, survive on the road together, outlive the prison together, then everyone gets separated. billy, neil, and todd end up with the claimers, and shit really hits rock bottom for billy. long story short–rick rips a guys throat out with his teeth, daryl and michonne take a few men down in a blood bath, and billy slits his dad's throat and stabs his uncle to death.

“hey, what you did last night, what billy did,” daryl brings up, “anybody would’ve done that.”

“no, not that,” rick shoots down.

“something happened,” daryl bites his lip, “that ain’t you, ain’t either of you.”

“daryl, you saw what i did to tyreese,” rick points out. “it ain’t all that, but that’s me. that’s why i’m here now, that’s why carl is. i gotta keep him safe. that’s all that matters.” rick nods calmly, accepting himself in ways he never thought he’d be able to. “i don’t know what went down with billy and his dad, or his uncle, but whatever did, i’m choosing to believe that what happened last night, was what was needed.”

“it was,” daryl replies, no hesitation. “neil, we knew about, but todd...” daryl trails off, staring unseeingly at the trees in front of him.

“if billy didn’t, i would’ve,” daryl finishes.

rick nods. “that’s what matters. that’s all that matters, now.”

michonne joins them eventually, then carl, billy remaining passed out in the backseat. daryl feels like he should be out hunting, should be providing something, anything, for these people, but can’t bring himself to leave again. it was different that morning, ducking away to find some water, the sun barely peaking over the horizon, but now in the broad daylight, looking at the bodies and the blood littered all over the pavement, he feels rooted to the spot.

he couldn’t save beth, but billy’s alive, and carl’s alive, and rick’s here. michonne’s here. they’re still alive, they’re still here. he’s gotta find a way to make that count.

nooo one:

I MEAN. u are not wrong ahfkdshkfja it's a supernatural inspired au because i rewatched s1-3 recently (and am still psyching myself up to continue but i need to emotionally prepare for cas lmao) and was like. i'll incorporate that into my blorbo. hell yeah.

thinks, when it's all about to be over–she should've fucking left.

it's a djinn that gets her in the end. it doesn't kill her, barely even harms her. just shows her a world where everything's right. a world where it's just her and billy, living happily and peacefully, no hunting, no pain, and no neil. a world where they take their daily walks to the beach, and billy's smile is brighter than the sun, his laugh contagious, and she's happy. happier than she ever realised she could be.

so when neil rescues her, untying her hands and brushing the hair out of her eyes, all she can do is look for billy. she finds him straight away, her eyes zeroing in on him standing just behind his father, silver knife dripping with more than just animal blood, and he's clutching it in his shaking hands, looking up at her with wide, terrified eyes.

she exhales out then collapses forward, choking on a sob and shoving neil out of the way to grab at him, and billy lets the knife clutter to the ground to rush to her, running straight into her open arms.

"it's okay. it's okay, baby," she murmurs into his ear, one hand shakily running down his back, the other buried in his hair. "we're okay. i'm okay. you're gonna be okay, i promise, baby."

billy buries his face into her neck and cries, and she holds him tighter, keeping up the stream of reassurances as she does.

neil waits around billy's door on the fourth night, hiding just out of sight, and listens to their bedtime routine. hears his wife read a story, then a second one, the cave and read a third, before she sings him her favourite song. he listens as billy finally settles, and thinks, she'll be out any minute, and he'll make her talk. get to the bottom of why she hasn't looked him in the eye since he saved her.

she doesn't come out, instead she starts talking again, so softly neil can barely hear, but he takes a step closer, then another step, until he's as close as he can be without being found, and if he holds his breath, he can just make out what shes saying.

"i'm gonna get us out of here, okay, sweetheart, i promise you. it's just gonna be me and you."

"just you and me?" billy murmurs back just as softly.

"just me and you. and we're gonna be so so happy, baby. no more monsters, no more blood, or knives, or hunting. just us, and the beach, and the sun, and so much ice-cream."

neil hears the way her voice goes fake serious at the end, the way billy giggles and she laughs, before the bed creaks and they settle again.

"no dad?" billy questions quietly after a minute.

neil listens to the silence that hangs in the air at the question, waiting for her response, but whatever she says gets lost in the space between them, because he never hears the answer.

he hears billy, though.

"just me and you," he says, sounding like he's repeating what he's hearing, almost completely asleep.

"yeah, baby. just me and you."

neil stands in the hallway for a minute longer, then quietly slips away, grabbing himself a drink from the bottle in the cupboard and making himself at home in his chair, drinking himself to sleep. he'll deal with this mess tomorrow.

anddddddd then neil murders her the next night in the kitchen and makes billy deal with the body becos apparently i love to make billy suffer? uh billy stealing her necklace and keeping it on his person for the rest of time, her being stuck haunting him but never being able to reach him, billy figuring out young that if he gets high–if the hospital gives him the Good Stuff–he can still see her. neil dragging billy all over the country to kill monsters, meeting susan and max on a hunt, and moving to hawkins when the kids are in their teens becos some hunters are making some noise about kids going missing, kids with superpowers, and fucking magnets? also, billy befriending demodogs.

hwbthm:

heaven wasn't built to hold me aka a banger song by four year strong! uh basically susan grows a spine au kind of? neil loses his job and starts hitting the bottle and susan finally reaches her limit.

“that’s enough,” she says, her voice only cracking slightly.

billy’s on the floor, glass cuts on his arms and hands from where he’s scrambled himself back against the kitchen cabinets, blood flowing from his nose and from a cut on his forehead, watching on with wide eyes. he never thought she’d have it in her.

“that’s enough!” she repeats, louder and stronger this time, finally getting neil’s full attention.

neil turns to her and there’s absolutely no sign of neil, her loving husband, the man she married. this version of neil is all sharp edges, hard words, scornful looks. there’s no mercy in his eyes, and no softness to plead with.

“what was that, susan?” neil asks slowly, calmly. billy wants to yell at her, tell her it’s a trap, that it’s the calm before the storm, to tread carefully. but, in the end, he knows speaking up now would escalate things, probably for the worse, so he keeps silent and hopes that she could read his face for that one moment she spared him a glance.

“get out,” she says.

not exactly the careful treading billy was hoping for, but still enough of a surprise to buy them all a few moments of peace. billy’ll take it.

“get out?” neil repeats, incredulously.

“get. out.” susan says back, looking stronger with every word.

neil goes to respond, starting to take a step towards her, when she cuts him off.

“i’m done,” she starts, “i want you out. out of this house, out of our life, just- out. i need you to leave, right now. get out.”

billy swings an arm up to the edge of the counter and tries to pull himself up, terrified of this spiralling out of control even more but like, if susan can grow a fucking spine, then he can stand on his own two damn feet.

“now, susan, let’s just talk first,” neil responds slowly, edging closer and closer towards her.

susan moves to stand between max and neil, right in front of the kitchen table, before pulling out her phone. “you take one more step closer, and i’m calling the chief.”

she doesn’t pull up the call app or even unlock the phone, and billy thinks she’s bluffing, but then neil let’s out a humourless laugh and takes another step forward, and susan seems to have the chief’s number up and ready, finger posed over the dial button, before billy could even blink.

max is up and edging around the table, trying to be at the ready, waiting for shit to hit the fan again at any minute.

susan holds a hand out behind her to keep max back, and focuses her attention back on neil.

“get out,” she says, “now.”

“susan-” neil tries, but she’s not having any of it.

“take your shit, and leave, now, neil. i mean it,” the hand she was using to stop max in her tracks is now flung out and pointed at the front door, and billy’s gotta hand it to her, she’s got guts. billy never saw this coming. he honestly thought that if she ever stood up to neil and came through for them, it would because max finally copped it. never realised susan gave that much of a shit about him.

neil licks his lip and rubs his jaw, eyes flicking back to billy, then the phone in susan's hand, before settling back on his wife.

“get your shit, we’re leaving,” he says, eyes and voice emotionless.

it takes a second for billy to realise he’s talking to him, and less than a second to realise what it means. billy stays exactly where he is though, leaning on the counter and clutching his side, waiting for susan to jump in again.

susan won’t look at him.

“billy,” neil repeats, “now.”

susan still doesn’t say anything, and max breaks the silence with a ‘mom- you can’t actually-’ before susan silences her with a hand held up, the universal gesture of stop.

“billy!” neil yells, and billy finally gets his feet steady underneath him, ready to move.

“mom, are you serious?! billy’ll-” max tries again, but susan cuts her off.

“max, not now, please.”

“pack your shit, billy, we’re going,” neil states, not taking his eyes off susan for the entire exchange.

neil eventually walks off into the direction of his and susan’s bedroom, leaving just the mayfield’s and billy in the kitchen.

susan’s got her eyes closed and a hand over her chest like she’s trying to calm her racing heart. billy waits to see if she’s gonna say anything, even acknowledge him, but the longer the minute drags out, the heavier it sits that susan finally kicked neil to the curb, and in doing that, he’s getting kicked out too.

holy fuck, looks like she can follow in his mothers foot steps. smaller, slightly different steps, but same end destination. billy and neil, alone again.

uhhh then billy and neil ending up at the trailer park, susan and max getting some small shitty apartment, and billy too Emotional to reach out to max, and max not even knowing how to reach out to billy, so they don't, until billy drives past max walking home from school one day, no skateboard in sight, so he slows down and pulls up beside her, and she barely ackowleges him, except she still gets in the car, and he drops her home. and then it becomes a thing, and it takes them three trips to even speak to each other outside of giving directions, and then idk. this is already too long but like. more stuff happens kjshdskjhad

happiest sad girl:

feel like this title is very misleading becos it was just a lyric from the song i had on repeat at the time of coming up with this au. shout out to lights lmao but. this is a good ol' susan and neil have a baby au! which i have not seen around anywhere else but i think it'd be actually terrible in a fun to think about kind of way.

By the time Billy makes it out to the kitchen the next morning, Max and Neil have already left, leaving just him and Susan. He doesn’t know whether he’s meant to have found like, peace or whatever, during the night, and should be congratulating her, or if he’s allowed to make a quick escape, but she seems just as off balance as he is, so instead of splitting straight away, he opens the fridge and looks around.

Billy spent a truly fucking absurd amount of time googling baby shit last night once he was in his room. Probably not actually that much time, if you compared the amount with a new expectant mother, but for an almost 18 year old? It’s gonna fuck up his targeted ads for sure. Him and Max also texted well into the morning, sometimes links, sometimes questions, but mostly just ‘what the Fuck’s, and Billy’s came back to the same conclusion as he originally had, that none of this makes any fucking sense. He thinks that maybe if he could just talk to Susan, without his dad there, then maybe something might actually fucking click.

He closes the fridge eventually after it starts to beep and he’s let basically all the cold air out, deciding to just grab a granola bar from the cupboard, then he turns to lean against the counter. Susan still hasn’t looked at him, and he knows she hates it when he leaves the fridge door open for so long only to not get anything out, so he waits for her to take the bait, but she says nothing, just continues pottering around.

“You like, feelin’ okay?” he asks awkwardly, once it looks like she’s truly not gonna start the conversation herself. “Morning sickness is a thing for you right now, right?” He scratches the back of his neck.

Hollywood movies are dramatised, he knows, but surely they don’t put girls throwing up and announcing pregnancies together in every movie for it to be complete horseshit.

Susan stops scrubbing at the stove top to look at him, finally, but she just gives him a tight smile and goes back to scrubbing.

“Right, okay, I’ll just go-” he starts, still awkward, and grabs the granola wrapper whilst pushing off the bench, “I’ll just go fuck myself, then,” he finishes lamely, mainly to himself.

“The morning sickness hasn’t been too bad,” Susan starts, finally taking the olive branch for what it was, “It was worse with Max, I think.”

Billy stops in the doorway and turns around and nods, because he doesn’t actually have a reply for that. He doesn’t know, like, fucking baby small talk. Susan turns to put some bread in the toaster, and then they’re both just standing there, so far out of their fucking depth, that Billy wants to laugh, but he’s genuinely terrified it might actually make her cry, so. He keeps his shit together.

Susan’s toast comes up quick, because she’s a freak who likes it barely cooked, just warmed, and then she’s sitting at the table where this entire mess started, and then Billy realises that this isn’t where it started for her, which, fuck. Okay. He can do this.

“So,” he starts, aiming for casual, making himself comfortable leaning against the doorframe, “you want another kid,” and it comes out more of a statement than a question, but Susan still nods all the same.

“Like, you genuinely wanna do the baby thing again?” He checks again, because, that just doesn’t make any fucking sense to him. She actually says ‘yes’ this time, a verbal confirmation, but her face is nervous, and she’s trying so hard to look okay, like she’s living the dream, but Billy just can’t let it go. “But why?”

“Don’t you want a little brother or sister, a little Mini You or Mini Max?” she asks, and fuck no.

“Fuck no,” Billy dismisses quickly, “I barely like myself most days and god knows we don’t need another fucking Max.”

Susan looks at him sadly, like she cares, and Billy’s stomachs doing that thing where it keeps twisting in on itself, making him feel like he’s gonna be sick.

“So you want another kid, why not get a dog or some shit?” Billy quickly gets the subject back on track, away from himself, and waits while Susan catches up.

She looks speechless for a moment, before finding her voice.

“That’s hardly the same thing, Billy, please tell me you know that,” she says, and she’s looking at him like she genuinely thinks he believes those things are interchangeable.

“Okay, then, why now?” he cuts to, because outside of the entire ‘what the fuck’ of it all, that’s the only other burning question both him and Max have. Why now, when Billy’s got one foot out the door, and Max is close on his heels. Why now, when they’re still shit broke from the move from the west coast to Fucking Nowhere, Indiana. Why now?

Susan won’t look at him, just starts fiddling with her toast and gathering up crumbs.

“It just happened, and it seemed right,” she says softly, and Billy knows his dad’s a fucking piece of shit, but the longer Susan won’t even meet his eye, can’t even string a believable lie together to take cover in, the more Billy starts to worry that maybe his dad’s like, a cut the head off, bury the body, never speak about it again, kind of fucking piece of shit.

“Did- did my dad, like,” Billy starts, then quickly sits in the seat beside her, “if he forced you, or-” he tries again, but Susan’s finally looking at him, and-

“No! No, nothing like that,” she says, and it's the strongest her voice has sounded in the past 24 hours. “It genuinely was just…” she stops, then starts again after a breath, “an accident. A happy accident,” she repeats, sounding firm.

Billy leans back in his chair and rubs at his eyes, ‘cause while he’s glad his dad’s not a complete fucking monster, it still leaves the question of why. Susan’s doing a pretty bang up job of playing the part of wanting to expand the family, except for how she totally fucking sucks at it.

“Do you want this?” he asks after they’ve sat there for another few moments, because he may have asked it in a few different ways already, but he feels like he needs to ask again. “If you genuinely want this, I promise I'll crawl off your dick about it, try keep Max in line, too. But like, do you actually want this, Susan?”

Susan swallows, and can’t meet his eyes.

“There’s a clinic,” he broaches gently, trying not to spook her, “they’re open in an hour. I can take the morning off work, drive you out there. Accidents happen all the time, especially with advanced maternal age pregnancies,” he raises his eyebrows at her when she looks at him with surprise. “Yeah, I google shit.”

Susan's still playing with the toast, ripping the crusts to shreds, and Billy feels like this nightmare could be over so soon, if he could just get her to agree.

“Neil won’t have to know. It’ll just be a tragic accident, another baby lost to the first trimester. You’ll be okay,” he keeps going, “it doesn’t even hurt, I don’t think. They’re like, professional and shit.” Billy thinks maybe he should've done a little more research for this part, outside of the opening hours and availabilities for today, but he’s hoping if she has any questions, he can just offer to book the appointment and ask then.

Susan’s not saying anything, but she’s also not reacting the way Billy thought she would. He honestly was expecting instant refusal, possibly even shock. Maybe a slap across the face, or surprise, even. Instead, she just looks sad, and a little resigned.

They sit there for another few moments, and Billy’s glad he switched with Heather and isn’t on open today, because this entire mornings taking a hell of a lot longer than Billy planned.

“Susan?” he asks quietly, waiting.

That seems to snap her out of it, and she gathers her plate and stands, then walks to the bin to throw the leftovers out. Billy stands too, and leans against the table, watching her wash her plate and leaving it in the rack to air dry.

“Neil got home early,” she says eventually, and Billy’s got no fucking idea where this is going.

He shrugs, makes a ‘go on’ gesture, even though Susans not even looking his way, and Susan just repeats the same thing.

“Neil got home early.”

“Yeah, I got that,” he says, because he’s not fucking following.

“I suspected, so I took the test, and by the time I realised he was home, he was standing in the doorway, and then the timer went off,” she’s facing him now, and she doesn’t look nervous or scared, just frustrated. “It was positive. And Neil was beside me, and he said that maybe this could be a good thing. Good for us.”

“Neil says a lot of things,” Billy says slowly, “they’re mostly all shit, though.”

Susan breathes out a laugh, then goes back to looking frustrated and slightly miserable.

“I don’t get it,” Billy says, because he doesn’t. “Neil said it was gonna be a great time, so you said ‘sure, let’s have a fucking baby!’, simple as that?”

“He came home early,” she repeats, looking at Billy like she’s begging him to understand.

“Yeah,” Billy says hotly, “he’s annoying like that. He’s done it to me, too.”

She sighs, and Billy wishes she would just fucking spit it out already, because it feels big, and he just wants to fucking understand.

“He came home early, and I didn’t have time to deal with it,” she expands, and now the pictures coming together for Billy, finally.

Billy makes a wordless noise, and probably looks like he does when he tries to do math, ‘cause that shit’s confusing, but he’s trying to understand. “He came home early, and you didn’t have time to deal with it,” he repeats, “because, you have dealt with it, before.”

Susan nods, looking relieved, although still miserable.

“You-” he starts, pointing at her, then gestures vaguely to her stomach, “you’ve done this before?”

“Well, I’m not dealing with it this time, but…” she trails off.

“But, you have,” he states, then “once, before?” he asks, fully expecting to get shut down.

“Twice,” she corrects

Billy lets that sit for a second, because, holy fuck, okay.

“Okay, well. Then you know what to do, right?” It's been a wild 12 hours, but Billy’s starting to think it’s gonna get back on track.

Susan looks at him sadly again, like he’s still not getting it, but Billy got it, okay, Billy fully fucking understood it. Neil interrupted her before she could fix it quickly and quietly, but with a bit of figuring out, she should still be able to sort it.

“I’m keeping the baby, Billy,” she says, and Billy wants to bang his head against a wall.

“Okay, but why!” He doesn’t even give a shit anymore about sounding like a fucking child, just wants to understand.

She’s got tears in her eyes again, and Billy’s pretty sure he started this morning with trying to not make her cry, but now he really doesn’t give a damn. She sniffles, and tries to smile at him.

“Because Neil said it could be a good thing, that we could be a family, and-” she cuts herself off and crosses her arms, hugging herself, “and I believe him.”

“‘The fuck are me and Max then?” Billy throws back, “not a good thing? Not your fucking family?” he questions, getting heated.

Susan’s shaking her head, but Billy’s finished with this conversation.

“I have to go to work, have fun being sick, or whatever.” He doesn’t slam the door on the way out, because he’s not Max, but it’s a near thing.

anyway basiacally the summary here is neil and susan have a baby. somehow that's billy's problem. ft him and max literally getting their lives together for reasons they never even considered before

worlds worst employee:

akjdhkjas i am sorry to disappoint but it is Not billy in a cat cafe although that idea sounds amazing please write it! uh it is literally something i have had in my drafts since literally september 2020 and is basically just billy and max going back to california, max for college and billy just because he Needs to. then billy finding the job market is Shit and he has no credentials to his name, no certificates or real experience anywhere aside from lifeguarding, only just scraped through and graduated high school, and fuck him—he is not doing college. so. he goes into hospitality and retail, and builds himself up to be employee of the fucking month despite his foul language and his general bad mood because he's annoyingly good at pretty much anything, and then when he can't be fucked with that job anymore he gets himself fired in usually a very public and spectacular way, then rinse and repeat at the next job. the only job he keeps and puts real effort into is the bar job he managed to score, because it's actually decent, and the tips are killer. also mandy milkovich is there becos i think they should be besties and i think i was watching the ep where she works at that fast food place with the shitty uniform and hat etc and was like. her and billy would raise absolutel hell together. i need them terrorising customers stat.

fire and grace:

title from the hilltop hoods ft ruel song of the same name because she Fits and i lover her

anyway! billy and hopper body swap! pretty sure i already posted a snippet literally again back in like 2020 and have barely touched it since, but! still fun!

"is max safe?" maybe if hop tried a different angle.

billy laughs humorlessly, spinning the glass in his hand, "max is the golden child."

"yeah? heard she didn't even get grounded after that night at the byers."

billy flinches, looking up at hopper, then lowering his eyes again.

"covered for her. big brother of the fucking year," he makes a half hearted cheering motion with one arm before letting it fall back on to his knee.

"that was kind of you,” hopper keeps fishing, knows billy’s gonna clam up for good any minute now, “looking out for her like that." he sits back in his chair.

"yeah, well. she wouldn't last a fucking day in my shoes," billy stands abruptly and starts to pace the small cell before stopping in front of him.

"so, am i in here all night, chief, or are you gonna drop me home now," billy starts drumming his hands on the bars. "not that this heart to heart hasn't been everything school mandated therapy promised me, but you’ve got a kid to go home to, i’ve got a bed to go home to," billy gestures between them, then starts drumming again. "so, what's it gonna be, sir?"

hopper sighs, knows his window of getting anything from billy is more or less closed, and reaches to get the keys.

billy tracks the movement then grins at him. "good choice, old man."

hopper stops to give him a dry look, then unlocks the door, letting billy swing it open. billy swaggers out like he runs the place, finishes the coke still sitting on hop’s desk, and grabs his phone, wallet, and keys. "shotgun," he calls over his shoulder, heading towards the door.

"so,” hopper starts, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye, “max wouldn't last a day in your shoes, huh?" they're two streets away from billy’s house, but hop'll be damned if he doesn't give it one last go.

billy hmm’s, staring out the window, giving hopper a quick glance back and a one shouldered shrug.

"so, what? when you leave town and i'm just meant to keep an extra eye out? let her stay in the drunk tank every now and again like i let you. cover for her when she sneaks out with sinclair?" hop's got one hand on the steering wheel, the other hand gesturing around as he talks.

"told her to break it off with sinclair, that’s on her if it blows up in her face. besides," billy says tiredly, before turning to grin at him, his eyes turning ugly, "you wouldn't last a day in my shoes either, chief.”

they're on cherry lane now, and hop knows the second billy walks out, it’s all over. billy will pretend that everything said tonight was never spoken.

“so, you walking me to the front door? no lights on in the house, i could probably sneak in,” billy's leaning down and casing the house, talking more to himself than hop by then end of the sentence.

hop looks at him and looks at the hand clenching on the door handle, the other hand tapping away on his leg, having not stopped once this entire drive.

“your shoes gonna be easier to walk in tomorrow if i let you sneak in?”

“yes, sir,” billy’s face still looks hard, but at the prospect of being able to sneak in, it eases up a little.

hopper sits there for a minute before nodding, unlocking the car with the button on his side.

AND THEN they wake up the next morning having switched bodies. they last a few days before max finally corners billy (hopper) and makes him fess up, because hop didnt realise how fucking terrifying 13 yr old girls could be. el's a fucking saint compared to this hellraiser. max believes them instantly because hop's a terrible actor and after watching chief hopper aka billy stroll into benny's and use his badge and his flirting skills to get free drinks, she's like, yeah thats absolutely some bullshit billy would pull, you don't even need to convince me. also have some vague lil snippets of a bodyswap au between billy & max and also billy & karen because i think they could be literally so fucking. SATISFYING and interesting to like. pick apart and think about askfjhkajds

summer *****:

SAHDFLASHFLKDAHSLKHSAL like. no. maybe? no. it's summer mpreg aka my twd au but ya boi gets knocked up because i AM a simple girl for mpreg and i was TRYING to write twd au as something that i could like. post and publish publicly without being a freak about it but i got like 20k in and was like. actually i'm writing this for myself and EYE wanna see mpreg because it would make ME happy. so i started again and summer ***** is a lot longer than it's orignial self and i haven't touched that version since i started this one oops kjwsafhkasjk

tbf technicallyyyyyyy billy dies like. one day after he figures out he's knocked up. so it's like. is it really mpreg? but then the time travel fix it part comes into effect and it's like yeahhhhh it fuckin is.

uhhh billy max and neil make it to the quarry, billy and daryl are barely on each others rader until the claimers, but they get close after that. get even closer after rick dies, and billy refuses to let daryl move out to his little camp of loneliness alone. don't get together till like 11 yrs into the apocolypse aka reaper era baby!

Billy’s still in bed when Daryl gets in from watch.

“You good?” he asks, unbuttoning his shirt and roughhousing with Dog, who's bouncing around now that there's someone to play with.

“Yo, you good?” he asks again when Billy doesn't reply, throwing his shirt at him.

He still doesn't answer, so Daryl makes his way over to Billy’s unofficial side of the bed, scratching Dog’s ears from where he’s jumped up to lay with him, his head resting on Billy’s hip, and squats down on the ground a bit.

“‘Sup?” he says, ‘cause he’s never gonna be good at this relationship shit, and it’s still so fucking new–barely weeks old–but he knows he wants to fucking try.

Billy huffs a laugh, then his face closes off again, and he tells him to fuck off.

“Fuckin’ burnin’ daylight, man,” he says, not really knowing what else to say. For as lazy as Billy claims to be, he’s never really been the type to lay around all day, even when they had the luxury of it.

Somethin’ ain’t right. Daryl can feel it.

“Feel sick,” Billy finally mumbles out.

Daryl’s seen Billy fight in wars, covered in blood and bruises and guts, then try and build a dollhouse the next day, all because Holly, Judith, and Gracie asked. Seen him throw up from concussions, walk miles and miles and miles on a sprained ankle, carry multiple backpacks with broken ribs, and do it all with barely a flicker of pain crossing his face.

He feels his heart drop, because if Billy's sick, and sick enough to stay in bed and admit to it, then he’s probably fuckin’ already dead.

“You bit?” Daryl rushes, ripping the quilt cover off him, only for Billy to grip it tight and pull it back up.

“Not fucking bit, jesus christ,” he yells, lifting his head off the pillow finally. “‘The fuck would I be laying here for, if I was fuckin’ bit?”

“Hell would I know! You're the one in bed whingin’ ‘bout bein’ sick,” Daryl throws back, leaning back against the wall, still squating.

Billy doesn't bother replying again, just pulls the quilt up higher then sniffles hard.

“You like, regular sick? Or bad sick?” Daryl questions after they've both been silent for a while. Doesn't even expect Billy to reply, but for once, Daryl can't take the quiet.

“Depends,” Billy says thickly, then swallows like he’s trying not to cry.

Daryl waits him out, but Billy seems to not give a fuck that he’s currently keeping him on the verge of a heart attack, and doesn't elaborate.

“Give me somethin’ to work with here, man,” Daryl basically begs.

Billy brings a hand up to his face and rubs roughly at his eyes, Dog jumping off to sit in between Daryl’s legs, before he sits up slowly. He bends his knees slightly and leans forward to rest his arms on them, then lets his head drop forward but turns his face to look at Daryl. Dog rests his head on the edge of the bed, looking up at him.

“Threw up most the night, which, whatever, fine. Super chill. Except for the fact I threw up most the night before, too. And the night before that, and the night fucking before that, and basically all last week, and everytime I eat, I feel sick, and fucking everything’s making me nauseous, and right now the smell of Dog might actually kill me, and I swear to fucking god, Daryl, if you knocked me the fuck up–” he chokes, swiping at his eyes and breathing heavily, “you’ll be hearing from my fucking laywers,” Billy ends with, looking suddenly fucking exhausted.

Daryl’s brain short circuits, and he finally slides down the wall to sit properly on the floor, stroking Dog’s back absentmindedly.

“Who the fuck are your lawyers?” he starts with, before shaking his head. Magna, probably. Kelly, too. “That ain’t fuckin’ possible. We’re guys. Don’t got the equipment for that shit.”

Except, there’s been rumours and stories for months now, maybe even years. Of guys getting pregnant. Most dying before reaching full term, body not quite adapting to it the way it should. He’s only heard one story of it being successful and the baby and dad surviving. Two, if you count the one where only the baby made it. Feels lightheaded at the possibility of it, and can feel the heat and sweat prickle his skin.

“Yeah, well. Welcome to the apocalypse. Evolution’s a bitch,” Billy states plainly, throwing his hand out loosely before hanging his head between his arms.

Dog jumps up then, nudging his head forward to lick Billy’s face, and Billy dry heaves on the spot. Daryl quickly grabs Dog and pulls him down, and watches Billy pull himself back together, mask back on.

Billy looks up at Daryl, eyes wet but face emotionless, and shrugs. “So. That’s where we’re at right now.”

Daryl doesn't reply this time. Doesn't have a fucking clue what to say. Can count on one hand how many times him and Billy have even had sex, because this shit’s new, and so so fucking fragile, and now–

Now, Billy could be staring down the barrel of a gun for the next nine months, and no one's gonna be able to pull him out of the line of fire.

“Can we just like–get rid of it?” Daryl asks, ‘cause surely thats fuckin’ safer than whatever this could turn into.

“Jerry said that the couple that stopped by the Kingdom tried that. Still died,” Billy sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Body doesn't know what the fuck it’s doing. Just gotta–” he stumbles, taking in a deep breath before continuing, “just gotta let it run it's course. See what fucking happens,” he finishes, voice cracking and eyes glassy.

They sit there, then, the only sound being Dog panting from his spot lying beside Daryl on the floor. Billy eventually lays back down and pulls the covers up, facing the ceiling. Daryl sits there a moment longer, then pushes himself up. Can't really deal with the possibility of Billy dying–of being the reason he’s gonna die. Grabs his shirt from where it’s fallen to the ground and shrugs it back on.

“The hell are you going?” Billy asks, watching Daryl pour some dog food in Dog’s bowl before heading towards the stairs.

“I need a fuckin’ minute,” he throws over his shoulder, then walks out.

If he had known that that was gonna be one of the last times he’d ever see Billy alive, he never would've left. Would've gotten into bed with him instead, told him some shit about how it was gonna be okay, that they’d work it out. It wouldn't even be bullshit, ‘cause Daryl would've done anything for it to be true.

Instead, he walks out onto the street, finds himself getting dragged into the plan to deal with the Reapers, and by the time he sees Billy next, it’s too late.

He watches Billy die a night later.

They’re running.

Daryl can feel the trees flying past, his lungs on fire, and the Reapers gaining ground. Thinks, he can’t fucking die yet. Billy’ll fucking kill him. He’s still got shit to do. He focuses forward and sees Maggie a ways ahead, Negan somewhere off to his side, and knows it’s gonna be close.

Can hear Billy’s voice in his head, yelling about how this was a stupid fucking plan.

As far as he’s concerned, it’s the only fucking plan.

They slow down eventually, after they’ve put some distance between them and the ones chasing them, and stop in a clearing. Maggie’s already there and waiting, bent over and trying to catch her breath.

“Think we’re clear?”

Daryl takes a second to look behind him, having not heard anything for at least the last few miles, and shoots her a grim look. He can’t be sure. The Reapers were always good at coming out of fucking nowhere.

Negan stumbles in a moment later, and they all take a minute to get themselves sorted and figure out the next best course of action.

“Probably should’ve gone with the kid’s plan, ‘cause this shit? This shit is not fucking working,” Negan complains, leaning against a tree. “I don’t run for my Iife, okay, people run from me.”

“Shut the fuck up, man,” Daryl says, barely sparing him a glance, before taking in where they are. “We’re still too close, gotta move. Let’s go.”

They barely make it a foot out of the clearing before the Reapers are surrounding them from all sides. One comes up behind Maggie and drags her into the middle, another herding Negan in close, and two more close in on Daryl.

“Found this one by himself,” they hear from behind, and Daryl feels dread settle in his veins. They all struggle to turn, trying to shake off the hands holding them in place, and once turned, Daryl feels his entire body stop. Looks at the struggling body being held captive by Pope–taking in the hood over their head, the rings on their fingers, the shitty tattoo on their wrist, and the way they refuse to stay fucking still, even when completely in the shit–and he knows. “One of yours, I presume?”

He hears Maggie let out a sob from beside him, and Negan let out a quiet ‘well, shit.’

“What was the plan, may I ask, because you have to know we’re smarter than this.” Pope questions.

This wasn’t the fucking plan, Daryl wants to yell. They vetoed this plan. Billy pitched it, tried to bang on about how he could bait the Reapers out and buy them all some time, and him and Maggie fucking benched him for it.

He should be back at Alexandria and in bed, because he’s sick.

Not here, in the middle of the fucking woods–in the middle of fucking Reaper territory–with some old fuck gripping him around the throat and some other freak holding an honest to god grim reaper axe behind his back.

Billy shouldn’t be here right now, is all his mind can think.

Daryl looks at him and suddenly feels the weight of their unfinished conversation from yesterday sit heavy on his chest. Billy said he was basically already dead, and Daryl fucking walked. Had to, ‘cause he knew he wasn't thinking clearly. His mind going ‘round in circles trying to figure out how to salvage this mess. Knows that the only thing walking out did was piss Billy off, but fuck. It felt like the smartest choice at the time. What did Billy expect? Daryl to handle that shit rationality? Like him dropping the fact that he was pregnant–a fucking death sentence in this world–and that he was going to lose him, was something he could just roll with.

He needed a fucking minute.

Shit, he still needs a fucking minute.

Looking at him now, Daryl realises there's a chance he’s gonna lose him anyway.

“Just–please…” Maggie starts, knowing damn well they have no bargaining power.

Pope casts a look at the guy holding the axe beside him, and Daryl barely has a second to prepare himself before the axe is sticking out of Billy’s chest, his muffled screams bouncing off the trees.

“No!” Maggie yells, and Daryl feels like this has to be a nightmare. Like if he could just wake up, it would be yesterday, and he could do the day right.

He just needs to go back to yesterday, and wake the fuck up.

Pope takes that moment to rip the hood off Billy’s head, then yank the improvised mouth gag off as well. Billy stumbles forward a bit, adjusting to the small amount of light, before Pope pulls him back roughly and he has to scramble to get his feet under himself.

Daryl sees the moment he realises how fucked he is. Watches his eyes widen when he sees them all lined up in front of him, his eyes scanning the clearing and finding all the Reapers scattered around. He looks down at his chest then, taking in the axe that’s poking out, and looks back up.

“Think both our plans were shit, to be fair,” he chokes out, and Daryl’s actually gonna kill him, when they all survive this.

If they all survive this.

“We’re not here to make a deal with you, or to come to an agreement. You killed some of ours, now we’ll kill one of yours. Not the fairest of trades, but it’ll do for tonight.” Pope narrates, and Daryl barely has time to blink before another Reaper is stepping out of the dark, pulling out a sword. He hears more than sees what happens next, and is lunging forward to get to Billy before he can stop himself.

Negan yanks him back at the last second, somehow breaking free from his own hostage holder, and Daryl can only watch on as the sword now buried straight through Billy’s gut drips fresh blood, piercing him from behind. Billy screams, loud and unforgiving and shaking the whole damn forest, his legs giving out. Pope’s grip holds strong, though, and Billy doesn’t even have a chance to fall. He lets out another yell as he gets his feet under him, the weapons in his chest and torso pulling, and stares at the growing blood stain over his stomach, his shoulders jerking like he’s doing everything he can to free his arms.

Daryl can’t fucking breath.

The entire forest is silent except for Billy’s cries of pain, and his own and Maggie’s crying. Didn’t even know he was crying, until now.

Slowly, Billy looks up at him, his face fucking shattered.

Daryl knows then and there that this is it. Can see the grief in his eyes, like he’s already begging for forgiveness, and suddenly Daryl’s fucking furious.

He wasn’t even supposed to be here tonight. Maggie already told him exactly what she thought of his plan, and Daryl went off at him the second she finished.

It was a shitty fucking plan.

And if he had just fucking listened, he would be safe right now.

He would be home.

Billy coughs up some blood then, and all the anger drains right back out of him.

“It’s okay,” Billy chokes out, tears streaming down his face and trying to smile around the blood pooling in his mouth and dripping down his chin. “I’m okay.”

He coughs again, and Daryl wants to tell him to stop talking, to save his breath, but can’t make his mouth move. Negan’s still holding him back, and Daryl knows if he let go, he’d fucking sink. He swallows roughly, feeling himself leaning into Negan more heavily, refusing to break eye contact with Billy.

“I’ll be right behind you, promise,” Billy says, or tries to, more blood than voice, and Daryl only knows he said it ‘cause he knows him.

Daryl finally feels his mouth move.

Manages to push Billy’s name past his lips before Pope pulls him back up tall and clears his throat.

“Any last words?” He asks, dragging a hook like weapon up to Billy’s throat, and Billy’s on his tippy-toes now, trying to escape the pressure of it, eyes fucking terrified.

The Reapers that were holding them in place seem to step back in sync, and Daryl rolls out his now free shoulder, Maggie falling to her knees.

“I’m sorry, kid,” Negan breathes out, sounding genuinely fucked up. He pulls Daryl back, though, and reaches a hand out to pull at Maggie, too.

Billy’s eyes flick to him, and Daryl sees him give Negan a ghost of a nod, his face finally finding some peace.

Pope smiles at them, then starts dragging Billy away by the hook, Billy stumbling to keep his neck up and his feet moving, the blade ready to slit his throat at the slightest misstep. Daryl watches until he can’t see them anymore, dread filling his stomach at the knowledge that Billy’s gonna die alone; with no one there to hold his hand, no one to comfort him in his last moments. Knows it was one of the only fears he had left–dying alone.

He tries to push down the ugly part of him, born out of years of watching his loved ones die, that's relieved that he doesn't have to see it this time.

Negan pulls at him once the last of the Reapers have disappeared, Maggie already up and waiting with an outstretched hand.

They run.

Billy’s screams start back up a minute later, and after putting enough distance between them and the enemy, they stop and duck behind a fat as fuck tree, and listen to his final moments. It’s the closest they can get to being there for him, he thinks. Billy’s screams go on for what feels like eternity, before cutting off abruptly, like someone turned the lights out. Maggie’s gripping his hand, and he thinks he lets out a sob. Can feel her bury her head in his shoulder, her small frame shaking, and he realises he’s shaking just as much.

“We gotta move,” Negan says, breaking the silence after a minute, sounding like he actually regrets it.

Daryl casts one last look over his shoulder, before letting Maggie pull him forward.

They’ll come back in the morning to find his body, and make sure he gets put to rest. Daryl won’t let him become another Rick.

Daryl splits back to Alexandria, even though Maggie tries to convince him to come back to Hilltop, telling him she doesn't want him to be alone, then changing tactics and saying it isn't safe to split up yet. Daryl shrugs her off, and by the time he makes it home, he feels completely numb. He takes one look at the empty and cold bed, with its sheets and quilt cover half falling off–exactly the way Billy left it, and turns right back around. Dog spends the first five minutes jumping all over him, excited to see him, before picking up that something’s wrong, and by then Daryl can't really keep his shit together. He makes himself at home on the front porch, legs stretched out long in front of him and Dog resting his head on his leg, running a calming hand up and down his back, and then–he fucking breaks.

Wishes with everything he has in him that he could go back to yesterday, to do everything all over again, or maybe back to a few weeks ago, so they never get themselves into that situation in the first place.

Thinks, if he could just do everything again, he’d save everyone.

Wakes up the next morning to Dog licking his face and Negan standing above him, a bottle of water outstretched towards him.

“Time to go,” he says, looking like hell. “Let’s go find the kid.”

Daryl accepts the drink and pushes himself up.

Time to bring Billy home.

THANKS FOR LISTENING IF U MADE IT THIS FAR i have had FUN sorry for literally all of this i love you

#msgs <3 #lucdarling

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