#there was a time like 2 or 3 years ago I think where it was at its worse when it just started but its gotten less worse
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“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”
Fanonwriter2023 on AO3
Where CANON and FANON collide!
Season 7 FANON Speculation: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”
Chapter 32 is now available on AO3.
This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!
“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”
Currently 32 chapters completed: 1.465M Words; Rated: Mature
One chapter will be posted at a time.
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Here's a romantically fluffy snippet from Chapter 32 of a conversation Buck and Eddie are having while they dance in the living room.
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Once Eddie hears the introduction, he asks, “What song is this?”
“It’s “Blue Skies” by Noah and The Whale and I think it’s perfect because babe… for the past month and a half, we’ve experienced a lot of dark skies but I believe we’re finally about to see some blue skies.”
He tilts his head to the side. “Amore mio, what do you mean?”
“Well… the chorus of this song talks about blue skies are coming and I think that’s where we’re headed.”
They move to the center of the room, wrap their arms around each other’s waist and slow dance. When the leader starts singing verse one, Buck sings with him, “This is a song for anyone with a broken heart. This is a song for anyone who can’t get out of bed. Oh, do anything to be happy.”
Eddie gasps, he bites his bottom lip and tries to blink away his tears because he remembers it was just a few short weeks ago that Buck could barely get out of bed. On January 2nd, his heart rate lowered and he became unconscious and unresponsive and he thought he was going to leave him forever. Then Friday night, his heart stopped again but this time it was because someone tried to take him away. On Monday, he could barely get out of bed again but today, they’re in each other’s arms and they’re dancing like they used to and he’s so happy he can hardly contain it.
When his tears start rolling down his cheeks, he realizes he’s unsuccessful at stopping them.
Like always, Buck’s right there and he notices. He unwraps one of his arms, lifts his hand and wipes them away. Then he places soft kisses underneath both of his eyes and whispers, “I’m still here babe and I’m not going anywhere. EVER! I promise and I’ll never break your heart!”
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This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!
Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it. But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.
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Chapter Summaries
Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.
Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.
Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.
Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.
Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.
Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.
Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago. They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.
Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.
Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial. But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.
Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories. Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.
Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie. It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.
Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.
Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.
Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?
Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.
Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.
Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.
Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.
Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.
Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?
Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.
Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.
Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.
Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.
Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?
Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.
Chapter 27 - After Buck resumes therapy, he’ll continue to face the fact that he “DIED” in March 2023 and during those sessions, he’ll learn about the 7 stages of grief. As he continues his healing journey, Eddie will be right by his side just like he promised and the Diaz family will start to deal with their three minutes and seventeen seconds loss as a family.
Chapter 28 - Two years ago, Eddie was asked, “What are you afraid of?”; twice, once by Frank and once by Buck but he only answered one of them without deflecting. Since that time, he’s been to therapy and him and Buck got married but the question resurfaces when Frank asks Buck the same question and Buck asks it of Eddie for the second time. However, when Buck asks, his reasoning will be about something else entirely.
Chapter 29 - After Buck and Eddie have an emotionally intimate conversation regarding their dreams, they make several decisions that will affect their future. When everything falls into place, they’ll realize one of those decisions will result in them no longer being work partners.
Chapter 30 - In 2018, Buck and Eddie met at the 118 and after some initial apprehensions on Buck’s part, they became work partners and they agreed to have each other’s backs. It’s been more than 6 ½ years, a lot’s happened, they got married in December 2023 and they have the family they both chose. With Eddie leaving the 118 in 3 months and Buck getting closer to moving past his grief, what will him losing his work partner mean for him?
Chapter 31 - As Buck’s life hangs in the balance from what’s suspected to be another bradycardia event, Eddie’s by his bedside, their son is being cared for by relatives and their found family is in the waiting room. During this time, many questions will surface that could possibly lead to the truth but will everything be revealed before it’s too late?
Chapter 32 - On January 2, 2024, the figurative skies over the Diaz family became gray and filled with storm clouds. Buck’s recent trauma, Chris’ school project and Eddie’s paramedic studies combined with the attack on Buck’s life, all those things contributed to the grief they’ve been experiencing. However, as the middle of February approaches, will the dark clouds dissipate so blue skies can return?
Chapter 33 - Will be posted soon.
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Read chapters 1-32; they're available on AO3.
Continue reading on AO3
#buddie#eddie diaz#evan buckley#christopher diaz#the buckley diaz family#buckley diaz family#The Diaz Family#Fanonwriter2023 on AO3#Hiatus Reading#911 fanfic#buddie fanfic#ao3 fanfic#buddie wip#Chapter 32 is now available on AO3
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there are a lot of fun lil things to catch up and enjoy and shout out so think of this as my lil newsletter of the week :)
been a lot of great discussions on the rest is entertainment recently! a few i recommend: 1) in this ep richard discusses the former (😥) importance of the edinburgh fringe and how the pipeline standup>stage>stardom has completely changed with the popularisation of social media and the instant delivery of topical comedy (loved the vittorio shoutout!); 2) in this recent ep (8:17) richard talks about the integrity and motivations of professional tv quizzers, like those on the chase; and 3) in this another recent ep (20:33) richard passionately criticises the emmys allowing the bear to compete as a comedy series and yet again stands up for out-of-work as well as underappreciated comedy writers
rob beckett & romesh ranganathan are doing promo for the new season of rob & romesh vs, so here is a ridiculous video of them doing "impressions" on ladbible lmao
david mitchell's new series ludwig comes out this week!!! this is a wonderful interview with david + rave reviews are rolling in from the guardian, the radio times, and more
larry dean had a small speaking part in the netflix film this time next year, which is out now!
icymi global superstar, drag artist, and scottish comedian/enne lawrence chaney took over trixie's channel a few weeks ago
GRAHAM NORTON SHOW IS BACK ON FRIDAY!!!
9/27 Lady Gaga, Colin Farrell, Demi Moore, Richard Ayoade, and Jack Savoretti & Miles Kane
10/4 Hugh Grant, Sebastian Stan, Greg Davies, and Neneh Cherry
i know i talked about this last week but just so everything is in one place here are the links for bobby mair's and harriet kemsley's episodes of the divorce podcast
vic reeves recently made a few comments about wanting to get back with bob to do something new 🥹
some new books out! and most of these include book tours — including richard osman in the USA this week!!! tickets here
We Solve Murders by Richard Osman
Friends of Dorothy by Sandi Toksvig
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes by Jenny Eclair
speaking of people coming to north america here are a few coming up:
9/5–10/3 Jamali Maddix
10/11–10/27 Sindhu Vee
11/8 Michael & Jack Whitehall
11/9–13 Paul Chowdhry
2025 Romesh Ranganathan, Mo Gilligan
(can anyone else believe ben elton went to mf abu dhabi but couldn't make it over to the usa for a show or two 🥲)
david o'doherty has a new podcast out with max rushden called what did you do yesterday?, and the first guests include elis james, lou sanders, alex horne, josh widdicombe, and suzi ruffell
just a reminder that fin taylor is still...fin tayloring over on ig
joe lycett is currently filming a series for sky where he goes to all of the birminghams in the usa LMAO he's giving sneak peaks of his country-wide travels on his social media so check them out hehe
fern brady won big at the sky arts awards :")<3
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V, JoeNicky & Nile
V. An abandoned or empty place.
When Joe pulls the sheet off the couch it kicks up enough dust that it makes Nile sneeze. The couch underneath is old, wooden frame rotting, fabric stained and full of holes where moths have eaten away at it.
“Sorry,” Joe says to Nile when she finally manages to get the sneezing under control. “Didn’t realise it was that bad.” He puts his hands on his hips and looks down at the couch. Nile looks it over.
“There’s no saving that,” she says, wiping at her eyes. She can heal from falling over ten stories, but she can’t get away from allergies.
Joe frowns. “I liked that couch.”
The house is older than anywhere else they’ve brought her, and has been abandoned for long enough that it’s falling apart. But through some trick of posing as their own sons, or something, Joe and Nicky still own it, even if there’s a giant hole in the roof and all the windows are broken. Why they’d decided to come back here, Nile doesn’t know, but it’s a nice enough area, and a good distraction from, well. Everything. Growing back a leg, she’s discovered, is not fun.
From one of the other rooms – she thinks it’s the kitchen, she’s not actually sure where Nicky had wandered to – there’s the sound of something breaking and crashing to the ground, and a muffled curse.
Joe makes a questioning noise in the vague direction of the kitchen. A few moments later, Nicky appears in the doorway, covered in dust. “I am okay,” he says. “But I think we will need to go out to eat tonight.”
“Nothing?”
Nicky shakes his head. “Unless you want to start a fire and go hunt some rabbits.”
Joe grins. “Just like old times, right?”
Nile shakes her head firmly, which makes Nicky smile. She loves them, but there’s no way they’re doing that.
“We can probably clear out enough space in here,” Joe says, gesturing to the floor. “Get the sleeping bags out of the car. Probably have to start a fire anyway, but…”
Nile looks around again while Joe says something to Nicky in Arabic that makes him laugh. The house is falling apart, sure, but it’s structurally stable, and the bones are all there. It could be something. They’ve got time to make it something.
Nicky is the one who goes for pizza in the end – he doesn’t trust Nile and Joe to order it if left to their own devices – while they try to clear out a space in the living room. Eventually, though, after Nile has another sneezing fit, Joe suggests they just take the sleeping bags outside instead, which works out a lot better. He sets about starting a fire with practiced ease while Nile sets out the sleeping bags around it. They’re far enough away from civilisation that she can’t hear cars passing by, which is kind of surreal, and the stars are brighter than she’s ever seen them.
When Nicky gets back, two boxes balanced on one arm and a bottle of wine in the other, he looks over their makeshift camp and laughs. “Just like old times, then?” he asks.
Joe grins. “Except we have pizza.”
“And actual sleeping bags,” Nile says.
“Ah, these modern inventions could never quite match the comfort of a pile of furs,” Joe says wistfully. Nile gives him a look. She’s ninety percent sure that one’s bullshit, but she can never quite tell with him.
Nicky sets down the pizza boxes, and jogs back to the car to grab the pack of plastic wine glasses they’d bought before they got here.
“We should’ve bought marshmallows,” Nile says. “Could have made s’mores.”
“Well, we’ll have to go to the hardware store tomorrow anyway,” Joe points out. “And I think it’ll be a little while before we can actually sleep in there.”
“Tomorrow, then?”
“Tomorrow,” Nicky agrees.
#neon answers#materassassino#neon writes#kaysanova#nile freeman#what's going on here? who knows. they're renovating an old safehouse in the middle of nowhere#why isnt andy there? off on a solo self discovery road trip she calls em sometimes#i like to think its a really old one and when they were deciding where to go joe was getting super nostalgic about it and talking about it#to nicky like habibi.... do you remember that little house we had a few years ago..... we should go back there.....#(local 900 year old man confused 'a few years' for like 150 and didn't realise until they got there)#(and promptly went hm. i think it may need some work)#(nile. who had been expecting an Actual Functional House. just has to sit there for a moment)#they're having fun though. she and joe are gonna have fun painting on the walls. etc#nicky doesn't trust them with pizza because nile (not picky) and joe (LOVES to annoy nicky) will deliberately order the worst looking optio#like. dominoes had a cheeseburger pizza. that's what they're going for#nicky let this happen two (2) times before just going for pizza himself#when andy's there it's even worse she will get margherita but she'll also 'add her own toppings'#like my parents who put chinese takeout on pizza. it's good i'm sorry i know i'm expecting to be banned from italy soon#ANYWAY#thank you for the prompt!! i had fun <3
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My #1 advice for people moving out is to NOT buy nonstick cookware... not only is the lifespan of nonstick a MAXIMUM of 7 years (usually more like 2-5 years) but teflon, aka Polytetrafluoroethylene-- the plastic coating that makes the cookware nonstick, infuses microplastics into your food.
New cookware sets can cost hundreds of dollars so my advice is to look for 100% stainless steel cookware in thrift stores. Safer, cheaper, & instead of needing to replace every 2-7 years they can potentially last you the entire rest of your life AND they won't start shedding plastic into your food
#x#PS plastic food storage containers are also not ideal... I'm going to replace all mine with glass containers when i can afford it#i bought everything nonstick thinking it would be easier to deal with. i wanted to be cost-effective & save time so buying cheap nonstick#seemed like a good idea but every single nonstick thing I bought either already needed to be tossed in the trash or the teflon is flaking#aka they have become unsafe to use. but i dont have the money to replace all my fucking kitchenware!!!!!#today the casserole dishes that i bought 2.5 years ago are going in the trash. fucking waste of money and awful for the planet#boiling water to get rid of microplastics in a flaking nonstick pot... my life is a joke LMFAOOO#i was going to put a brand suggestion for nonstick here based on what lasted the longest for anyone who absolutely NEEDS nonstick#but when i search for who owns that brand and then searched with israel in quotes... first result was them being voted brand of the year#in israel... so never mind... dude fuck all these big companies i fucking hate this shit#oh btw ceramic is a good nonstick alternative but all my ceramics lasted less than 3 years... their lifespan is about 2 years apparently#theres way too many tags on this already but for anyone who reads them all HIIII and also you can literally find better furniture#on the side of the road than you will ever find on amazon or from ikea or where the fuck ever
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Finally finished Attack on Titan. My God. Just. Wow.
#I started it when it first came out then was very odd and on#I eventually watched like 3 seasons in and never watched the last season or the long finale eps#I started getting my brother more into anime over the last like 2 years or so#he discovered AOT and finished it a while ago now and has been pushing for me to finish it too for like probably over a year at least#I’ve always been reluctant cause it’s such a heavy show and I had to be in the mood#finally the stars aligned tonight and we watched the final finale ep.#I cried several times.#it was perfect#it was painful and perfect#my fucking heart#hard to believe I finally finished it after over a decade from when I started it#and now I have lots of convos about it with my brother to look forward to#we’ve already discussed plenty tonight. but it’s getting late and idk if my brain’s even fully processed it all#attack on titan#top tier in my books#I don’t think I could ever do justice to the show trying to explain what was so good about it#gotta appreciate the little things. need to take the time to look at where I am rather than just where I want to reach.#peace and freedom are always worth reaching for even if war and suffering are inevitable to life. cherish the lives around you.#those are my takeaways from the series. those are the messages I received. and what a tragic and beautiful journey it was.
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5 AM
Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃
#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous#and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep#I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :')#way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip#I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home#(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh)#my best friend and I were having a conversation today#and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?'#and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too#BUT I also get what she meant#not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy'#and fun fact#a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!!#which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like#the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!!#and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes#(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me)#'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever#same with my mom's hallucinations as well#and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again#which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that'#fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything#like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds#and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well#which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up#I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today#didn't eat#took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all#had too much caffeine#stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking
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Misc. photos from the past year or so ~
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1. napping bapy boye sneeping on his own foot as if it were a pillow#2. The little primrose that I have seems to bloom sporadically all year around as long as I bring it inside and don't let it freeze#in the winter. This was a flower that came up randomly like mid november lol#3. Rainbow where you can see a little bit of a second rainbow near the bottom of it :0#4. CHILDREN.... love to see them.....#5. Halloween Candy ranking tierlist. not important enough to post on it's own. so throwing it in with one of these I guess lol#I am also not really a candy person at all and prefer bready stuff like cakes rather than chocolate bars (if I even have to have sweets#at ALL which usually I prefer savory food). I suspect the apple is controversial but.. I do love apples .... huzzah#actually am having applle and peanut butter snack right now as I'm writing this lol#6. Various bowls/cups/etc. that I got from a store at COMPLETELY different times like.. years apart from each other#yet at some point realized that they all mostly match in paint color and seem to be part of the same pattern#But I totally didnt make that connection until a few years ago when I was putting up dishes. I just bought them all invidually because it's#like 'oh cool! a cat' *1 year later* 'oh cool! a cat!' etc. lol.. I guess it must be a popular design if it's been around being sold that#long.#7. carne asada burrito and matcha bubble tea... oughhgh.... again one of my very rare meals where I actually go and get something..#probably my favorite meal currently. Something about the Chronic Anemia makes me crave beef burritos madly despite only having one#maybe twice a year or so ghjbhj.. plus the beans.... onions.... many of my Diet Forbidden foods... Also of course the little aishas#are there.... somehow they shall split the meal together even though it's like 10x bigger than their bodies.. they are also hungry#and vastly anemic... huzzah to them...#8. I've had this shirt for a long time but it fits very weird so I can never find a way to use it in outfits?? But I recently had#an appointment where a doctor needed to be able to look at my back and it's one of the only actual Shirts that I have (mostly i just own#long robes or tunics or jumper dress type of things that would be hard to lift up or etc. like... I dont even own a single normal 't-shirt'#or anyting aside from one giant tshirt that I sleep in in the summer lol.) So I wore this there.. I forget how much I love the pictures on#it.. how pleasant... little hummingbird... AND I think one of the flowers is supposed to be columbine ... !#photo diary
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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anime resale stores here always have absolute mountains of love live figures from every iteration of the franchise with every character and costume you could imagine...except i've never been a figure girlie so i always just look over the shelf in awe because i can't really see myself buying anything. except, that is, for the early love live sunshine aqours figures with no legs. that, i would buy
#were these the first aqours figures ever?? they can't be right?#either way i remember just how early into lls this was#it's really burned into my memory i have no idea what they were made for though#i just always remember them. and their lack of legs#those shops always have the nice boxed up figures and then the ones that were brought to them without a box#left to sit forever in plastic bags on hooks on the store walls (until someone buys them)#some of those come in multiple pieces? like maybe stands or removable parts...?#but i always think it's gonna be one of these and i'm always so disappointed#cmon rashinban sell me one of the ugliest and most baffling love live figures of all time#personal#honestly it's not just figures i'm just really not much of a merch girlie#living in japan is slowly curing me of that though just because of how normalized it is for everyone to have character merch#i bought a really cute kanan keychain a while ago but then it fell off of my bag when i was out :( i still have no idea where i lost it#the normalization of it really helps though honestly#if you'd told me 2 years ago that i'd be buying little nitotan plushes of my fav characters to hold up to scenery while traveling and#take pictures of i definitely wouldn't have believed it#but that's just like a thing that anime girlies do here. i think it's really cute actually#i still haven't gotten around to actually bringing any of those plushes on trips because i forgot 3 times in a row#and then the next trip i took after that was with my family#nooooot a chance. oh my god there's no way i could've explained that and had them been like oh okay
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my sister changed her profile pic from some pro-cop bs to trump 2024
she's got FAS and is very much a parrot (she copies what she hears around her. i.e being shit to my mom bc my dad is. he's been the biggest influence the last year as they were kinda stuck in the same room together) unintentionally so i know it's most likely that spending time around my dad when he watches the news is the culprit-
but that doesn't make me feel less angry and lowkey betrayed by it
and i can't say anything about it
#i am one of two (2) democrats in my immediate family#it was three (3) but my uncle passed a few years ago#i'm not sure where my little brother stands now but i do know he has voted republican before#bc he cried to my mom that everyone on his floor at college was hating on him and being mean and stuff#which is understandable of them. my literal brother in christ you are a black man#but i know my family can be an influence on him at times so idk if he was just voting how he was told to or what and he might have a#different / better stance now. but my other brothers (eldest aside) and my sister are just Like That#my parents too. my mom isn't stuck by political party - she's voted dem in the past - but idk where the fuck she stands currently#that's gonna be the biggest and most painful betrayal if she goes rep this year. i cant even pretend it won't be#why am i awake at 5:45 AM thinking about this?? s top#i had to cancel my doctors app. for this morning bc i can already tell it's probably gonna be a Day for my brain and i need to save my#mental effort for getting to and through work tonight#and i don't feel great#as if i needed more problems#maison speaks
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Apparently my mom shares trans memes on her facebook, which is… cool I guess? But she also still posts old pictures of me all the time
#mine#i’ve even talked to her about this and she got really upset and said she spent hours going through all her old photos of me#and only keeping ones where i looked ‘masculine’#but. they’re absolutely not.#and i mean i’m glad my parents are supportive enough that this is the shit that pisses me off but i’ll be damned if it doesn’t piss me#the fuck off#well ok worse than this is what my dad does#which is basically to only acknowledge it when i’m about to make a big change and he sends me a text#saying ‘hmm i guess you’ve wanted this for a long time huh :(‘#and also still not gendering me ever even though it’s been almost 4 years#like ok he’s not misgendering me but he awkwardly interrupts his sentences to rephrase them to avoid using pronouns#or if he gets really stuck he uses they/them which also pisses me off#it’s this shit and a thing that happened over 2 years ago (!!) at this point that make me feel like i don’t fucking pass ever#and everyone only ever genders me correctly to be nice or patronizing#i still get shocked when strangers gender me correctly (which is basically 100% of the time for the past 3 years)#but that’s really mostly because of the thing that happened 2 years ago#it literally makes me feel so deeply sick when i think about it like i genuinely feel ill#i still have nightmares about it lol#um. i realize i’m being vague but it wasn’t anything actually bad. just some stuff a friend said to me#and then said again and then continued to make it worse by saying more stuff#anyway that’s enough for now#hey if you just clicked ‘see more’ on the tags and saw this huge wall of text don’t bother reading it k
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failed my driving test twice, no actual friends in college, applied to a cool thing and was rejected, no bitches...thank god i'm seeing goodfellas in theaters in a few days because what do i have going for me rn
#the only ones who understand me are cher horowitz and pacey witter. and pacey got his driver's license later (i don't remember but#like i'm sure he did lmao) we don't know if that'll ever happen to me#what's annoying is i still don't think i'm a bad driver. delusions of grandeur maybe. but like yes for like 30mn after i failed the second#time i cried like while walking to the bus stop (i only saw like three people because YEAH it takes like an hour for me to go to the place#where you take the test like it's so annoying i have to take 2-3 different buses AND THEN i don't even have it. plus the money...) and#i was like you are the dumbest bitch ever but it's not because i don't feel capable it's because i DO and i make dumb avoidable mistakes#like it's just very frustrating#talked about the no friends at school thing like a month ago. we were together on wednesday and it's actually not as bad as it felt the day#i posted that but i don't hang out with them outside of school and don't want to is my point. they're like acquaintances that i'm not sure#i like#the thing i applied to i really wanted after i failed my test i was like i need ONE GOOD THING to happen to me this month and then i was#like no i can't post that because what if i don't get it. well#no bitches is self-explanatory#and goodfellas in theaters is real remember when it was already playing earlier this year but there was only one showing and i couldn't go#and i was so annoyed. there's three this time and i could even go to all three if i wanted to. one scorsese movie every monday at 1 from#now on for me please#and like i say: brf slt
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damn I miss playing wolves in my friend's back yard .... rb to play wolves with your mutuals in their back yard<3
#just blahs#i dont really think this needs any other tags sbhsjsjs#but i am going to kinda vent in the tags still feel free to rb this tho :]#i miss my friend tbh#she was my best and only real friend for like 3 years and then she moved away and now we only talk 2-3 times a year#and i dont.... know how to change that#i just want my best friend back#but i dont want to seem clingly because what if shes moved on ?#what if shes gone and shes doing just fine where she is now and she doesn't miss me like i miss her#what if shes perfectly content with me just being someone that she talks to a few times a year#meanwhile i have nights that i literally cry myself to sleep because i cant just go see her#she doesnt know that i want so badly to turn 18 just so that i can move to the same state and maybe live near enough that i could see her#and i dont think i can tell her that because what if she doesn't care that much.#what if im being ridiculous and i should be over our friendship that should have ended the moment she moved years ago#that i should have just moved on and it's weird that i haven't#anyways sorry for the vent in the tags of my silly goofy post#mutuals come play wolves with me in my backyard <3
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YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS FROM KODZUKOI
THAT STUPID LONG SELFSHIP FIC I MADE WHERE I WROTE A STREAM THINGY THAT KENMA AND I DO AND HIS CHAT GOES CRAZY AND I'M LIKE :3
#they're like koi do you have a bf!!!#ONE CHANCE PELASE#i'm like now now#holding kenma back#if i was allowed to say the things i was going to say.........#LMAOOOOO WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE#I THINK THAT WAS LIKE 2-3 YEARS AGO#maybe 1-2......#IT'S BEEN SO LONG
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oh my god u know the hrt is working when u get genuinely white girl drunk
#ive never been this drunk before this is crazy. the gender euphoria of not having any tolerance despite being able to drink 4 drinks a year#ago#like its that or someone Did something to this drink but it was from a housemate's stash. oh my god i wanted more of this im so glad im in#bed rn i could have made so many bad decisions#im like this close to posting one of the thirst(?) pics i took on my sideblog that i havent touched in a month#oh my god im fucking up so many words . gang im not pretending here i drank like 2 shots tops and its Fucking me somehow#WAIT I CAN EDIT TAGS#typos fixed :sunglasses:#genuinely crazy how much im feeling it tho ive literally Never felt it this much. id ask if ibuprofen or spiro interact w alcohol but i#think there was a decent amount of time between when i took both#yeah like i took spiro ~10:57 and then uh drank after. 11 hm ok this isnt as spaced out as i expected#i dont think im going to alcohol jail tho. im being responsible im In Bed im not gonna go do anything stupid (altho i do. want to ask#someone downstairs to do something stupid. but maybe thats the alcohol talking)#also shileas is downstairs and shes a bitch and i dont want to be cringy in front of her#i dont know if shes trans or just a really masc lesbian btw . shes cool but she also has some bad takes sometimes and i dont think she#likes me#im writng so many tags <3 but thats what love is. if anyones read this far idk like the post or something#you know the one post where the person puts an egg in their mouth. and then people share the tags. this is that#i was gonna be typing this out on a discord server but i thought no. this deserves to have everyone see it#man also if i went down and asked like if anyone wants to fuck like who would say yes . shileas is a super senior maeve is in a relationshi#p#i dont like riley and . man idk about griffin. but i think im a lesbian. maybe im just desperate.#bUT IM NOT GONNA. im not gonna.#i dont want to sleep tho i want to have fun :(( but my roommate is asleep#& its not like anyones gonna fuck me on this bed . with like my lovies (thats what i call my stuffed animals) and shit .#i genuinely didnt expect that i could get this drunk and whats crazy is i know i could be more drunk#can u imagine if someone reads this and goes 'well shes clearly sober and faking it' no </3 im simply very eloquent i was neglected as#a child so i read alot lol#whoops *a lot not alot#wasnt there a limit of like 26 tags. when do i hit that
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The 'GETTING A TATTOO WOULD SO FIX ME' thought has returned with a mighty vengeance.
#and tbh now I don't even know if I want my Janis quote tattoo first or my S-K/PJ dedicated/inspired tattoo?!#and I've been planning the Janis quote tattoo for...oh god what year is it? uh. for like...6 years now. fuck.#whereas I only got the idea for the S-K/PJ tattoo a couple years ago. ...wait I think it was like 2 years ago. not 3 I don't think?#it'd also be a perfect time to get a tattoo because I don't have to worry about protecting it from the sun or water or anything.#because WHAT SUN. at this point in the year.#anyway I need my 4th tattoo yesterday. (actually try at least 3 years ago. when I received money for a tattoo specifically.)#...dammit I also just realized I never settled on where I would get my S-K/PJ tattoo whereas I know exactly where I want Janis' quote.#fuck this I'm looking up tattoo parlors again. before the end of the year I'm getting my next one. 😭
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