#there’s also a difference between being overwhelmed by someone’s stimming and judging them personally

[ily-no-romo]

You’re ok with people stimming in theory but are you ok with people stimming without using fidget toys? If you found out someone bites their nails, destroys their cuticles, peels the skin off their lips, picks at their scalp, picks their nose, would you think that’s gross? Even if you never see it and you know they wash their hands? Can you accept people stimming in ways that are very noticeable? People who make a lot of noises no matter how hard they try to be quiet, people who need constant movement no matter how hard they try to sit still, people whose stims draw attention even when they’re trying to be discrete? What about people who use fidget toys but draw attention anyway?

Are you ok with all of that or do you start to feel like those people need to practice self control? Deep down, do you not consider that real stimming because you know some people can stim in ways that are quiet, discrete, socially acceptable ?

Just something to consider when unlearning internalized ableism

[againstshame]

Anonymous request for advice: “My brother is autistic and unemployed and I’m worried about his future."

Topics include: employment, hygiene, stimming that is disruptive and physically dangerous to others, “overeating”, family dynamics.

“Hello. I really hope I don’t come off as ableist. I just need some advice about my autistic  brother. He is currently 26 years old but has no goal or ambitions for his future ( everyone has a different pace I know) His special interest is in cartoons, and and researching about them (which I think is neat ) but it’s the only thing he does besides eat (this has resulted in obesity). He has had one job before, but disliked it, so my mom let him quit.

He is perfectly content just eating and watching tv, I am very worried about his future. I imagine he will stay with my mom until she passes, doing what he is doing now. What about after? We try to talk to him but I think he doesn’t really listen, he just waits for the conversation to be over. For example he only showers on Sunday, and we ask him why and suggest that maybe he can just use a wash cloth but he refuses, so we just have to deal with the odor every week

Like I said he is very large so when he stims (he stomps and spins) it shakes the house and the floorboards make a lot of noise and my teachers ask me what it is  cause it can be heard through my mic even when I’m in the basement ( online school). I ask him to be quieter but he ignores me ( I am younger) also I can’t get it attention because he is swinging his arms and I don’t want to get hit like when we were younger.

I don’t know if there’s much to be done about that tho. Is there any way to motivate my brother, how can tell my brother to think about his future. How can I talk to him in a way that he can hear me.   I am sorry if I used ableist language or phrases, if someone who is autistic or has autistic siblings can lend some advice, it would be appreciated   I want him to be able to live his life even without my mom.  Thank you.”

--

Thank you for writing in. This is a difficult situation to be in, and I hope I can offer at least some encouragement and some clarity, if not a solution.

I am autistic, and so is my brother. My brother is a little bit like yours, in that he doesn’t work and lives with my parents, while I’ve moved away. I’m older than him, though, and he may not care about my opinion about some things, but he doesn’t totally ignore me and he doesn’t physically intimidate me.

I have no idea if your brother’s life has been anything like mine, but I can tell you about the time I spent as an unemployed autistic young adult, living on my parents’ money. The main thing I can tell you is that all pressure from others to get a job or "think about my future" did was make me feel overwhelming panic. It may have seemed like I was living a carefree life but I was constantly aware that I wasn't living up to what a Good Normal Person was supposed to do, and the shame and anxiety that I felt about that were so severe that they prevented me from taking action to get a job or continue school. I tried, but most of the time, applying for jobs was so panic-inducing that I couldn’t force myself to do it.

I had no context for what work would be like, no framework to imagine what kind of job I would like or be good at. It was just a complete blank in my mind. I could not actually *want* a job, because I had no idea what it would be like- I couldn't even really imagine what having my own income would be like- which made it difficult cognitively to plan for getting one.

But also, in particular I had no conception of what a supervisor or coworker could be like other than someone who would judge me and hate me for not being normal. Looking at job postings all I could think about was how terrified I was of being judged and found inadequate. And whenever my parents or others tried to encourage me to apply for jobs, all I felt was that they were angry and disappointed with me for being a failure.

This was because most of my experience of interacting with people outside my family consisted of being bullied and socially isolated by my peers, and being mistreated by teachers. I was not able to get a job until I began to understand just how much I hated myself, why I felt that way, and how my ways of coping with (/hiding from) that feeling were limiting me. And even so, I'm certain I wouldn't have managed to apply for the first "real job" I did get except that I knew there wouldn't be an in-person interview.

I needed: 1. Self-knowledge, analysis of how I was feeling, where it came from and ways to cope with it 2. Concrete information, so that I could say "I could be good at this job" and actually believe it 3. And even with all that, I needed accommodations around the things that were most difficult and fraught for me (interviews).

Thinking back on my own experiences after I graduated from college, I'm really not sure there's anything my friends or family could have done to help me get a job sooner. There was a lot of internal work that I had to do just to be able to interact with people without being incapacitated by anxiety.

My path to getting a "real job" started with volunteer work, in which I learned skills that I was later able to get paid for, and became familiar with organizations that would hire me to do those things. That worked for me because 1. it was online, so it avoided some of the issues I had about meeting new people and talking to people in real time, and 2. I could essentially try out what it was like to have that job by volunteering, with no barrier to entry and no consequences if I decided to back out. That's the best advice I have for your brother- to sort of move laterally towards a paying job through volunteer work, topics he's already interested in, communities he's already connected to.

--

Finally, a word of caution. In your message you mention several different issues with your brother, and I think it's important to be clear about the distinctions between these different issues and why you're concerned about them.

Some of them are problems *for your brother* that don't directly affect you, but you're concerned on his behalf (his future financial security) Some of them *do* directly affect you (noisy stimming while you're trying to focus on school) Some of them aren't really direct, immediate problems for either of you, but they seem like bad things on general principle (being fat)

Our feelings about other people are naturally a mixture of reactions to many different things about them, but please be careful.

It may seem better or more justifiable to say that your brother needs to change for his own good, for the sake of his future, than to ask him to change because he's bothering you, but it's not better. Covering the one thing with the other minimizes your own needs and feelings, which deserve to be listened to and respected, and it makes your comfort and safety depend on controlling your brother's life to a degree that is beyond your right *or your ability* to control.

If he were a significantly different version of himself who had a full-time job and showered regularly and wasn't in your house all the time making you feel like you have no space to yourself, that would sure solve all your problems, but nothing you can do will make him become that person. You especially can’t fix him if you don't trust each other, like each other or listen to each other. Even if you could make him change somehow, it wouldn’t be your responsibility to fix his life for him. That’s a big burden to take on! What you can do, though, is recognize your own needs and find ways to stand up for them.

I don't think I have any really useful insight about getting your brother to take you seriously when you say he's making too much noise. I don't think that's an autism-specific problem. When people have been doing something a certain way for a long time, and it's always seemed to be okay, it can take some repetition to get them to understand that something is actually not okay and they need to change their behavior in the long term.

My advice is what I've heard general advice bloggers say about general interpersonal conflicts: talk to him about it *not* "in the moment" when he's being noisy and you're in class, but at a time when neither of you is stressed and you have time to discuss it. Bringing in other people (your mother?) to confirm that this is a significant problem may help. Still, you may have to repeat yourself a lot.

If your mother *won't* take your side, even for a very reasonable compromise like "do that stim somewhere else" or "at this specific time while I'm on a zoom call, do a different stim," then... that’s not fair to you, and maybe you should think about getting *yourself* out of this house instead of your brother.

The bottom line, I think, is that none of this should have to be your responsibility. You haven’t said your exact age, but you’re still in school. You deserve to be able to make setting *yourself* up for a good life your top priority. It’s good that you want to help your brother, but there may not be much that you can do- especially if he doesn’t *want* to listen to you. I think you should focus on taking care of yourself, and if that incidentally helps your brother or improves your relationship with him, that’s a bonus.

[adulting-with-autism]

Would you look at that! It’s episode 2!

Transcript under the cut

Nick: Hello and welcome to episode two of Adulting with Autism

 Liz: That’s right. We’ve had at least two people say they enjoyed it, so we’re doing another one

 Nick: Makes it about twice as popular as my previous attempt at a podcast, so I think we’re onto a winner

Liz: I dunno, I think twice zero is still zero. It’s infinitely more popular

Nick: Infinitely more popular, yes. But, you know, I still think that there’s room for a podcast where you discuss potatoes and time. The concept, not the seasoning

Liz: Although potatoes and thyme is delicious

Nick: That is quite true

Liz: Like, it wouldn’t be my go to but it does go very well

Nick: Know what else is good? Sage

Liz: Ooh and a bit of rosemary

Nick: But that’s not what we do here at adulating with autism we give advice on how to… adult with autism

Liz: But I mean that could involve cooking – it won’t this time but it could do in the future

Nick: My advice this week is if in doubt use sage. For any situation

Liz: Yeah? Unless you’re making a cake

Nick: Maybe don’t use sage on cake – unless you want to but I will judge you

Liz: Shall we do the first question

Nick: Yeah, I think we should

Liz: Ok first question is I think our only non-anon one it’s from I’m going to guess how to say your username, @taka-hardt , who asks “I have a fidget cube but I’m on a computer a lot using both hands so I resort to chewing the inside of my mouth because it feels so nice and makes an interesting.

But is it bad to do? I made a weird indentation on one side of my mouth that rests well between my teeth where my jaw is a bit more slack. Should I invest in a chew necklace?” Short answer yes. Because if you chew the inside of your mouth all the time you are at risk of mouth ulcers as I know from experience and mouth ulcers are not fun

Nick: Nope

Liz: They hurt

Nick: They do. Don’t chew what you use for chewing is a good rule of thumb

Liz: You’re against meta-chewing

Nick: I am against meta-chewing in all its forms. It’s not a stance I expected to have to make clear but that’s where I am, it’s what I believe.

Liz: Okay in terms of where you can get chew necklaces there’s probably multiple ones but one I know a lot of people like is Stimtastic which is run by an actual autistic person and the money goes to autistic stuff and you know that the necklace is made of something that’s safe to chew which is a big thing because a lot of people end up chewing thing that are not a good thing to chew because they might fall apart or contain something toxic

Nick: Yeah like a poisonous… cheek

Liz: What?

Nick: I don’t know…

Liz: Yeah so chew a stim necklace not a poisonous cheek

Nick: Yeah it was the one thing I could think of worse than a cheek

Liz: A toe

Nick: Yup. Before we go through all the things that are bad to chew, we should tackle the next question

L: Okay this is   long one but the gist is this person is 19 has only been in 1 relationship which was short and terrible and is just generally struggling with trying to get into a romantic relationship and is worried about being… the phrase they used is alone forever. I’m going to start by saying 19 is really young. You’ve got a lot of time

Nick: You have many time, much time and I’m going to say fairly confidently you probably won’t be alone forever

Liz: Yeah certainly my own experience is you get into a relationship when you’re not looking to do so

Nick: Yup all the best thin s just sort of occur

Liz: Yeah when I met Nick I was in that place. I was 19 I had two relationships in my life which were both terrible. I basically given up on ever being with someone. I resigned myself to this and then I met Nick.

Nick: Yeah the thing is know it can be difficult. You can really get lonely and feel the need to have someone else there and it can be a comfort but the best thig to do when you’re in that sort of place is find a new interest a new kind of outlet. Something new socially or something you do on your own and just distract yourself from those kind of worries and chances are something’s going to come along.

Liz: The important thing is to be in social situations is the key thing, which I know can be difficult

Nick: Even if it’s something you do online

Liz: Yeah you’ve met people online

Nick: Which has gone pretty well on the whole. So yeah just I know it’s tough but hang in there and the important thing is you can feel you don’t necessarily feel you have the social skills, aren’t an extrovert but you meet someone else like that eventually and that’s when you can really relax and go “4eah I’m not good at people”

Liz: Yeah, then you complain about the lack of spring rolls and info dump about pre-Norman feudalism and eventually you get engaged

Nick: Badda bing badda boom. Ok that’s hopefully something like that will happen

Liz: Yeah or substitute your own interest or lack of food. Ok we’re getting through these quite quickly

Nick: I think we are. Shall we have some kind of…I don’t know I feel we should play some sort of interlude, word from our sponsors

Liz: Yeah, this episode is apparently sponsored by my phone which keeps making noises

Nick: It does it does keep making noises

Liz: It’s a pretty good phone. It’s a Samsung something

Nick: We don’t receive any money from Samsung but that’d be nice

Liz: They probably want more information than Samsung something

Nick: Probably yes. If you’re Samsung and you’re listening we would like some free money

Liz: Or a free phone

Nick: Whatever you feel like. Both would be nice

Liz: Also brought you to by the letter E

Nick: It’s a good letter, one of my faves. Top 26.

Liz: I’m going to read the next question. This one is also anon. “Hi my brother has autism and I was wondering how I could help him”. Okay you’ve given us nothing to work with here. Maybe ask your brother

Nick: Yeah unfortunately because you haven’t given us enough information I feel we can’t really speculate in case we lead you astray so instead I’m going to have to riff relentlessly until I come up with a quality goof so thanks

Liz: Or we could say the best thing you can do as the sibling of an autistic person is not to speak over them and find out from them the best thing you can do for them. Because every autistic person is different so the best thing you can do is find out from them how you can help them specifically

Nick: That wasn’t a goof that was legit advice

Liz: I’m very sorry

Nick: You always do this, giving constructive advice on the podcast, which is probably good as that’s what we’re trying to do

Liz: You say always. This is episode 2

Nick: Well I feel like we’re an institution

Liz: I do goofs sometimes. I declared a vendetta on numbers

Nick: Yeah you did. Remember that listeners? I think the show was better in those days, it’s sort of jumped the shark a bit. Change of showrunners, revolving cast members…

Liz: I’ve been played by 3 people this episode alone

Nick: It’s really distracting, all the changes

Liz: We’re in quite a small room so it’s disruptive if nothing else

Nick: Yeah moving furniture around… but I’m a professional, the show must go on. So yeah, talk… maybe look on the NAS website or ASAN. Those two are good bets on info on how to help, but apart from that all you can do is listen to what they have to say listen to those concerns.

If they are someone who has sensory issues, has meltdowns, things like that it would be good to look for those signs if they look like they’re being a bit overwhelmed and work out a signal between you that means “ok let’s step outside” or try to work out something like that. That could be a really good help

Liz: Also don’t be that autism siblingTM who thinks they know everything about autism because they have a brother who is autistic because those people are the worst. Especially, as we keep saying every autistic person is different. If you’ve met an autistic person you’ve met one autistic person

Nick: That’s very true. I have high hopes for you anon. You said “I need advice on autism” and you asked autistic people. That’s a good sign

Liz: But ask your brother as well, that’s the main bit of advice

Nick: Yeah, you me, their brother. We’re the trinity, the triumvirate of your brother’s life. So consult the three of us when you need any kind of brotherly advice

Liz: Yeah. I mean we’re both siblings

Nick: Yeah we have them, siberinos

Liz: Yeah I think that went well. Hopefully you will be of benefit to your brother instead of annoying or anything like that. I think this next one is more for you Nick, as I’m the worst at dating, as you probably know. “I feel like I don’t really know how to have relationships w people online” sorry, not romantic, “I always accidentally say the wrong thing and people get angry, even people in the autistic community. How do I work on not getting so worked up” I’m still going to pass that one over to you nick.

Nick: Ooh that’s a tricky one there could be a whole lot of reasons why people are getting upset. Could be discussing contentious issues or it could be a simple problem with tact which I find is often an issue in these situations. Well I guess if it’s the former it can be sometimes people will get their you know you’ll say something and you’ll get their passions going. People have strong views on things

Liz: Not on tumblr, surely

Nick: Indeed so. Things can get polarised. There’s a place for debates and discussion but sometimes it’s hard to see when somebody’s inviting you to have a sort of philosophy seminar sort of discussion and w2hen they’re more interested in venting about an issue. I often find there’s a bit of a misunderstanding there that can lead to serious arguments.

If somebody says “I’m really annoyed about this” it’s not always the best idea to say well in my worldview this isn’t a problem it’s not the best way to make friends. But that might not be the issue. It might just be occasionally saying the wrong thing. I think we all do that from time to time

Liz: Part of being autistic really, having terrible social skills

Nick: Yeah that’s often going to happen. The thing is being quick with an apology does help, trying to say “sorry that was a bit thoughtless”

Liz: One thing I’ve noticed some people do on tumblr, starting a conversation with “I’m autistic I might get some things wrong, tell me”

Nick: Yeah it’s not ideal having to prefaced social interactions with that but it can make things easier. People know me well know that sometimes I’m not going to say the right thing.

Liz: Yeah one of the first things you said to me was I’m autistic, so I’d know that things would be a bit different

Nick: One way which might be an odd way of doing it is I sometimes pick up things from films or TV, or used to when I was younger. Like a scene where characters care for each other or help each other out. Not using that a as a blueprint all the time but sometimes seeing wholesome content helped when I was a kid. People hugging and being nice

Liz: It’s scripting isn’t it, I understand intellectually this is how I should interact with people so I will attempt to emulate that

Nick: Yeah developing scripts can really help, just sometimes if someone’s upset about something saying “sorry that sucks”. Sometimes that’s all that the person wants to hear. That sucks would you like a hug.

Liz: Unless you’ve done something wrong in which case that’s the worst thing you can say

Nick: Yeah. If you’ve done something wrong best thing to say is “I’m sorry…”

Liz: How can I do better

Nick: Yeah and if it’s a general thing that’s sucki9ng in their life the best thing to say is I’m sorry that sucks, difficult situation, want a hug

Liz: Anything I can do

Nick: These are good things to say. I hope you manage to develop some scripts or something like that for these situations. It is difficult because I think one of the biggest obstacles is can come across as not caring about people or being disinterested in their lives if you’re autistic when the opposite is true, I find.

Liz: Or you’re genuinely not interested but you need to be polite and you don’t know how to do that.

Nick: It is difficult. Either way you can come across as a bit cold when you don’t want to. But hopefully we gave some helpful tips there and you can find something that works for you.

Liz: Ok we have a few more questions but we’re coming up to about the length of the last one and I want to keep lengths consistent so I think we’ll answer the last ones on the blog, those two.

Nick: We’ll answer your questions shortly

Liz: You’ll probably get your answers before the ones that are answered on the podcast because that’s going up tomorrow

Nick: Yes basically keep sending your questions in, we love getting them

Liz: Remember you can always say you don‘t want this answered on the podcast you can say I want this privately, I want this on tumblr.

Nick: Whatever works for you. We’re just interested in making Adulting With Autism friendly and accessible and open to anyone. We hope that we’ve helped answer your queries whether it’s about diagnosis or day to day coping and it’s been really nice having positive feedback about the blog and about the podcast it’s really encouraging and it makes us want to keep doing it

Liz: And after the feedback on the first one we will be posting transcripts on the same day the podcast goes up in future

Nick: If you have any more suggestions do feel free to send them in

Liz: We’re all about accessibility

Nick: No real point in running a disability themed thing if you don’t make it accessible or it defeats the whole point

Liz: So we’ll be back in a couple of weeks with some more questions and answers

Nick: Yup, both questions and answers

Liz: Are you going to call them dear listeners again

Nick: Maybe, because they are v dear to my heart

Liz: That’s nice

Nick: Yeah I like them they’re my Pals. My special podcast pals.

Liz: Ok

Nick: Goodbye special podcast pals, until next time.

[tinyhatonapumpkin]

Hey, I saw your post about how non autistic people aren't accommodating to autistic people and was wondering if you had any recommendations of how to be more accommodating? I'm not NT but I don't have autism and I'm not sure what kinds of things would be helpful when interacting with someone with autism.

(Sorry if this is a really late response my internet has been abysmal for the past..... WHILE)

-Make sure that you don’t assume meaning from our actions. That’s one of our biggest frustrations. Allistic people often read into our actions, words, body language, etc. and then make incorrect assumptions. Remember, we’re not allistic, our brains work different, we think different, so the reason WE do something may be very different from the reason an allistic person does something.

- By extension: say what you mean and mean what you say. There are so many times that people get mad at me, say I’m being a little shit or purposefully obtuse, etc. just because... I didn’t get what they were insinuating. Or I didn’t read between the lines, or whatever. Hell it’s gotten to the point that I often over read into what allistics say, because goddamn. You people can’t just be direct. So in an attempt to accommodate, I end up accidentally reading into things that aren’t meant to be read into, or over reading into things, or even just getting the wrong meaning because I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. Just... talk to us. Don’t hint. Especially don’t get annoyed if we don’t catch what you’re saying.

- Kinda on the same vein, but: If an autistic person doesn’t understand something, even if you think it obvious, don’t ridicule them for it, just explain it. Things that come naturally to you don’t come naturally to us. Our mental skills are elsewhere. Also it’s usually social stuff or figures of speech we don ’t understand, and i mean... that stuff is bullshit anyway. (This isn’t just social and communication btw, this could even be just how to do a task.)

-Speaking of which: don’t force autistic people to conform to your social standards. Don’t force us to make eye contact. Don’t tell us not to stim. Don’t get mad at us for repeating something or scripting.

-If we communicate in a nonverbal way, don’t tell us to “use [our] words!” (ex: pointing and gesturing to something we want passed to us at the table, a hand on your shoulder when we’re trying to get past you, etc.) Because even if we may not be nonverbal at the time, we might be overwhelmed, and so talking uses a lot of energy. Or we just might be very distracted and plain forget to speak. Getting angry at us will only stress us out more, which will only exacerbate the problem.

-Speaking of nonverbal: if someone needs to communicate using an alternative communication method, like writing, typing, AAC, etc. GIVE THEM TIME TO WRITE THEIR RESPONSE. I can’t tell you how many people will just get annoyed and move on, stop talking to me, try (and fail) to guess what I’m trying to say, etc. It’s more frustrating than the inability to use my mouth to talk in the first place. This can also go for people who stutter and/or stammer. Which often happens to autistics too. Just give us time to communicate however we can.

-Don’t spring things on autistics. Plan things in advance, and if they are asking for lots of info about what you’re going to be doing, don’t get annoyed. Shit is stressful for us, so knowing a lot about it can help ease the anxiety and stress. The more we know the better we can prepare. Because the world isn’t made for us, so we have to do a lot to fit into it. But if we know nothing about the situation, we can’t know what we need to do for it. Not to mention we often need accessibility items, so it’s important to know what’s going on so we know what to bring.

-If the autistic person needs things done a certain way, let them have it done that way. It is extremely stressful if one of our constants in our lives is disrupted. Also we have things done in the way we do them for a reason. Whether it be to fight decision fatigue by having routines and sameness, or just doing things a certain way because it makes our homes, clothes, LIFE more sensory friendly, just... let us have our things be the way we need them. Hell even shit like sitting in the same seat every meeting let’s say: it’s easier to focus on the meeting when your SPD isn’t having to process all sorts of new information because you’re seeing the room from a different perspective.

-Don’t judge us in any way for our “weird” behaviours. So this includes “weird” expressions, body language, habits (chewing, sucking, stimming, etc.), body movements, speech, etc. And by judge I mean commenting, funny looks, reactions, etc. Just act like it’s totally normal, because to us? It kinda is.

-Small talk.... just... ugh. So something that happens a lot that I HATE is that allistic people will disrupt my work to just... chat. About fucking nothing. I’ll be doing something and then they’ll just come up to me and be all like “Whatcha doing?” “...working.” “Whatcha working on?” “I’m typing up the minutes.” “...” “...” “So how was your weekend?” etc. Drives me up the wall. You could clearly see I was in the middle of something. If you don’t have anything you actually need from me? Leave me be. I’ll chat later when I’m not busy!! (If you’re not sure, just ask if the person is busy/up for chatting.)

-Don’t be overly condemning/abrasive when informing us that something we’re doing/said/etc. is inappropriate, offensive, rude, etc. Now this part may seem like I’m contradicting the whole “don’t hold us up to your social standards” thing, but being autistic isn’t a get out of jail free card. If we are doing or saying something shitty, it still needs to be addressed. However we may not realize the impact of it. This could be because it’s not a big deal to us and we don’t realize that it is for others, or just because in an attempt to fit in, we mimicked those around us... and those around us weren’t the best people.

For example: I have dermotilliomania. So I can’t stand it whenever there’s a zit on my face, ESPECIALLY a white head. I’d pop that sucker as soon as I saw it. But I didn’t realize that this was more of my own experience, so in my teens, whenever I’d notice one on my sister’s face, I’d point it out. I wasn’t trying to go all “haha you have acne” I was more going “Oh no you have a Bad Thing on your face, you probably want to get rid of it!!” Kinda like when you tell someone that they have something in their teeth or a bit of sauce on their chin. Unfortunately though, she was allistic and did not have dermotiliomania, so to her I was just constantly pointing out something that she was insecure about. So it actually caused a lot of self image problems for her. I didn’t learn the full impact of it until years later.

So in that example, a good thing to do would be to explain: “I really don’t like it when you point out my acne, because you pointing it out all the time makes me really insecure.”

Using myself for an example again: I was raised in a white Conservative Catholic family. So I didn’t understand the allistic world, and the only people I had to base my understanding OF that world were..... well not great. So I had to spend a lot of time unlearning stuff. I’m not trying to excuse anything I did or said that was offensive, but I just feel like pointing out something.

Here’s how intense it can be: my family LOVED making “r*tard jokes”, which were actually autism jokes looking back. I made them along with them, even though I did all the behaviours they were mocking (but in secret). Hell I even threw around the r word in casual conversation, because that’s what I was used to hearing, and what I thought was normal.  I had a good friend begin my education about that stuff, so by the time I found out that I’m autistic, I had already dropped all the jokes and language... and started realizing how terrible they were because they were making fun of me in a way. (I even remember hearing things like “why are you acting like such a r*tard?” and then trying to hide it by acting like I was just doing more of the mocking.)

Now the latter half of this section (or even this section in general) may just seem like good advice in general. But it’s particularly relevant for autistic people, because we often end up with more rude behaviours, and more easily adopt offensive crap... and find it harder to lose because scripts and echolalia and whatnot. So if they continue after you address them, just point it out each time they do it, but in a gentle reminding way, because they probably just are falling back on old scripts, forgot themselves for a moment because of everything else going on, etc. It’ll take some time, but it’ll happen. 

Ok so idk if I went overboard or not, but.... here are some things anyway!! 

(And hell this might just be a good list, so feel free to reblog it anyone reading if you’re just stumbling upon it or whatever.)