#there's some stuff that's coming up very soon thats gonna just blow several of these chapters completely off this list

[minijenn]

Happy Birthday, Keys to the Kingdom!

Yeah as of today my own special little slice of hell known as Keys to the Kingdom has existed for the world to see for two years now. And its still going strong even into its second half (which I’m VERY much looking forward to!) I didn’t really plan a big huge celebration for Keys’ 2nd birthday (though ya’ll are more than welcome to do something special for it if you’d like, I’d love you forever if you did) But I figured it would go fun to go back through every chapter of Keys written so far and list my top ten personal favorites. So this is that list. Enjoy!

10. Chapter 30: Recuérdame: This was a really fun chapter if I remember correctly; its a nice mix between plot progression and the Coco stuff (featuring some of my favorite scenes from that movie, so playing around with those was great) but I also loved writing the first in story reveal for Xion and the fight between Sora and Xigbar while set to Imelda singing La Lorrona? Fuckin Iconic if you ask me, this one is great 

9. Chapter 31: Destined Reunion: This is mostly a very dialogue heavy chapter where not a lot happens but honestly I just really like a lot of the interactions in it; there’s a lot of Sora being salty towards Riku in here which tbh is kinda fun to write? But there’s also some soft Sokai stuff and towards the end we get some fun/foreshadowy interactions with our resident Goth Club so overall its a pretty neat one :3

8. Chapter 24: Where the Dream Takes You: So I really love the second Atlantis chapter? It veers away from the movie and also follows it just enough to feel unique in its own right and it has a lot of plot progression for the main story, especially in regards to our good friend the Lingering Will; I like the action in this one a lot and I really love the Trinity Trio’s little emotional talk with each other at the end, it tugs at my heartstrings every time I read it :3

7. Chapter 38: So This Is Love: otherwise known as Prom! Honestly this one is just a sweet, cute fluff-fest and it was so much fun to write the kiddos just relaxing and having a good time for a change. The Destiny Trio in particular just filled my heart with so many warm fuzzies here, especially towards the end when they really start romancing it up! Plus everyone in their fancy outfits was a delight to draw and to write about, overall its a grand time for all ^_^

6. Chapter 21: Depths of Despair; golly this one is just a bit ol drama fest but I think its a pretty great one. Sora spends the whole thing captured and tortured and poisoned and it really is just the biggest shift in the tone of the story so far because of that; Maleficent gets to be the center stage baddie for a chapter, Pete gets a bit of development, and we also get some strong moments from Kairi and Axel and the Restoration Committee, and the scene where Kairi brings Sora back from rage form near the end is still one of my favorites; overall there are a lot of little moments in this one that I love in here, its a really good one. 

5. Chapter 33: Song as Old as Rhyme: A great example of a Disney chapter where the overarching plot kind of takes more of the center stage. This one is a wild ride for sure with a lot of action and intensity, and its Not a very good time for our boy between him having a panic attack over Maleficent confronting him again to getting shot in the damn shoulder to being grounded by his boyfriend for lying it really does tear Sora down quite a bit but I looooooved wriiting all that so its high on my list for sure because of it 

4. Chapter 36: Return to Depart; this chapter features two really great scenes right at the start of it, Sora bonding with Aqua and soft Soriku fluff/angst hour. But then I doubled down by giving the boy an identity crisis between all of the different hearts inside of his and wooooooow I love how I wrote it, its trippy and wild and intense and dramatic; even to the end this one is great because we get our first hints of the bond between Sora and Ven and its soft yet solemn all at once and wow despite carrying some scenes from the game I still think this one is pretty standout 

3. Chapter 35: Distorted Reflection: Whoooooo boy this chapter is hella dark and kind of a mind fuck but golly if it wasn’t such a delight to write. Having Sora essentially hear himself list every fear he has and everything he hates about himself is some quality Character Study stuff; there are so many lines in this chapter I keep coming back to in more recent chapters and I really will continue to do reference it as we move along; it’s also pretty standout that Sora doesn’t even win against his phantom in this chapter, my original plan was for him to win but then I was like “no that’s not thematically right, the entire story is basically about him fighting a battle against himself that he can’t win so why should he win the literal battle against himself?” so I made it sad and had him lost until the Mystery Light came around to help him (I also love that entire part, its such a nice bit of comfort after all the angst this chapter brings). Overall, I love the deep intensity and feels of this one its a classic.

2. Chapter 22: Rise and Fall and Rise Again. Basically a biiiiiig ol bundle of hurt/comfort with some soft angst and romance mingled it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this chapter really is just another big long character study for Sora and golly if it doesn’t have some of my favorite moments in the entire fic so far, despite those moments being quiet and understated and mostly emotional more than anything else; I also really love Kairi in this chapter and I love how it develops her relationship with Sora even more towards their eventual Relationship Upgrade. Its also the first chapter of Keys I got teary eyed while writing soooo ya know there’s that. 

1. And finally, my favorite chapter so far: Chapter 27: What Once Was Mine. Gooooosh this chapter has EVERYTHING. It starts out soft and fun and fluffy with some cute romancy moments, then it gradually starts getting more tense and it builds until basically everything’s gone horribly wrong and ends in a really sad kind of solemn place and we get such nice pairing between the Tangled stuff and the Keys overarching plot stuff. This chapter has so many exceptional moments but I really love the entire section where Sora finally comes clean to Donald and Goofy bc I’m destroyed by Trinity Trio feels every time I read it. Overall, I adore this one but I really do think that it’s very soon about to be outclassed by some stuff I have planned for Keys in the very near future :3

And some Honorable Mentions: Chapter 20: Immortals (mostly for its second half, its first half is pretty weak which is why its not on this list); Chapter 10: Sinister Whispers (aka the chapter where Keys finally starts fucking picking up the pace XD), and chapter 16: Unspoken, Unheard (a nice little Kairi character study)

And those are all the chapters of Keys I really love, feel free to drop me a line about what your favorites are (or even just your favorite moments, general discussion about Keys, things you’re looking forward to seeing, stuff like that). A HUGE thanks to everyone who’s stuck with Keys thus far, I can assure you that the best is certainly yet to come.... :3

[acidmatze]

I am sick, bored and have things I should be doing, so its the perfect time to run away from that very fast by making an “analysis” about Hawks. I’m gonna use that term very loosely because this is basically just gonna be a quick rundown of scenes in which Hawks showed typical signs of dependent personality disorder. There are a few. I could only find the ones which I know from myself and this is speculation still since we don’t really know what is going on in his mind. Also, he is simply a great actor who goes to great lenghts to maintain a cocky, confident facade. Another note: These is simply my own interpretation of things. In no way I want to imply that you have to agree with me or anything

Well, lets get started

Chapter 185, right after the Billboard Charts show thing. Endeavor is mad at Hawks for trolling. Endeavor is basically mad at everyone all the time. For someone who was so cocky and confident just a few minutes ago, Hawks is awfully fast in trying to make peace again between the two. Would he seriously be confident he probably would stand his ground and not start apologizing and explaining in great detail why he did what he did. A confident person would assume the other would ‘get it’ over time. But with DPD you can’t have a single enemy. You just can’t. You need to be at least on neutral terms with everyone, even if it means agreeing that the sky is orange and wheat is spicy.  All that flattering he does can be seen in many different ways. One of them is trying make peace again quickly. Most people like compliments, right? It then borders slightly on self-degradation. Endeavor does not like this. Whelp

In general: He talks A Lot. Yeah this can be simply his personality, but in some cases its a sign of anxiety and some very anxious people don’t seem to be able to shut up for a second when afraid. Just as a side note

This can either be seen as Hawks being himself, him being lazy or... Him blowing smoke up Endeavors arse again in an attempt to keep him from staying angry at Hawks. Because again, a simple disagreement is the end of the world with someone with serious DPD. Someone disagrees with you? Must be because you are a failure. Someone’s mad at you? Even if this person was angry at the entire world, it is your fault alone and also you will be alone forever.

The next one is just a very loose thing that I see as a parallel for DPD in general. Its no piece of “evidence” since the situation could not have been resolved in any other way except a tragedy. It’s when Hawks gives up most of his feathers to help Endeavor attack High End. People with DPD tend to give themselves up for other people. While we certainly do have a core personality this is easily discarded as soon as a person we want to keep is around. Its self-destructive. It will be shown in its literal way soon after.

On another note, him trying to keep the peace with everyone and appease others is a great advantage when it comes to talking to Dabi. He knows how to make others believe that youre completely behind them. Because in that moment he absolutely is. Thats the highest priority. Not have people be mad at you. And in this case.. Dabi getting angry at Hawks could cost him his life.

The last thing is

I don’t think I need to say anything further but I absolutely will. Let’s just take a minute and take this in completely and die inside a lot. Okay. DPD doesn’t come out of nowhere. No personality disorder comes out of nowhere. There is a genetic disposition yeah, but the biggest part is your childhood.

Not pictured here: A happy childhood. Its implied that even before, his childhood maybe wasn’t the most optimal. And then people come and take away your future and your freedom and you can’t say no. You are just a child. You have to help your parents. Doing this is the only thing thats left. Should he have been abused in any way before he was taken in by the higher ups then he already knew how to be submissive. If they were good parents, he then learned it from the higher ups.

So he’s groomed to be a hero wether he wants or not and he cannot say no. He has to work as a hero and he cannot say no. He takes on mission he can’t say no to. Hawks probably never was given the chance to make his own decision. His No was never heard. To not break completely he started showing thinking patterns to make this easier to live with. - Accept that you cannot make decisions. - The decisions others make for you are always correct - Others have authority. You have none. - This means others have authority over you too. What they say is best for you. - You need others to make decisions for you. If you loose them you are on your own. - If you are alone it means you will be alone forever - You are helpless. You need others. - You need to keep them in your life at all cost even if it means betraying yourself

Most of these things are processes we cannot see because they are subconscious. Hawks himself probably doesnt even know what he’s doing there. A personality disorder means that all the destructive stuff you do seem to you as if thats simply your personality. Because in some way it is. The “ill” patterns are interwoven with the “healthy” patterns but the whole thing looks like a woven basket to you. A whole thing. until you notice that some of the branches are rotten and need to be replaced. Thats therapy then. So again, Hawks probably isn’t aware of what hes doing. He might know that something in his life is going horribly wrong but he doesnt know what it is.

Last thing: He doesnt show submissive patterns towards Tokoyami. Thats because ofc, Tokoyami has no authority over Hawks. BUT Hawks also doesn’t show authority over Tokoyami. Not in the way he should be doing it as an employer. Him acting like an older brother towards Tokoyami is endearing but he probably simply cannot do it in any other way. Hawks could not lead anyone or anything even if he wanted (He probably wont want to. The mere thought would probably give him great anxiety since he believes he has no right to have authority and he cant even make decisions alone) We don’t even know if he build his agency all by himself and leads it alone or if the higher ups simply ordered him to and pull the strings in the background, making everyone simply believe Hawks is doing it alone.

Tl,dr:

- Hawks is shown being submissive in several scenes and giving in way too easily - Hawks seems to try to keep peace with everyone - Hawks was raised to obey orders, even at the cost of his well-being and not to be autonomous - Hawks accepts orders without questioning - Hawks never shows authority not even towards Tokoyami who is “below” him in social rank.

[angstybadboytrash]

|| Voice of Treason|| Chapter 6

[DABI X OC]

Summary: Hanako Yamada is tired of living in her brother’s shadow, so when an old friend comes back into her life, she can’t help but take a chance and make a new name for herself alongside the League of Villains.

Chapter: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

A/N: Hey Guys! Writing for this has been awesome. I don’t have an entirely specific plot for this piece but as I go along pieces go together. I have an idea on how I want this to end but I’m struggling getting there. I also realize these first few chapters are more centered around my OC and her development than her relationship with Dabi. But please don’t fret! Big things are coming!! Also I wanted to put my own twist on this and have some Villain!Bakugou so this is a chapter leading up to that. But here’s some more Hana development and soft Bakugou. Enjoy! Please give me some feedback!

Reblog to be put on tag list

Tags: @fridgesbestfriend @princedabi @nightkidd-hd @gaylemonsmutfluff @dark-eyed-dream @sweetycue @aarinisreading

It was complete and utter chaos when the leauge finally made their messy getaway. With Bakugo in tow they had accomplished their goal but now came the hard part. Getting him to join.

They locked him in the cellar downstairs and were going to deal with him tomorrow. Hana couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that if they waited he wouldn’t join. Right now he was alone and vulnerable and she was going to take advantage of that.

After the team had gone to sleep, Hana snuck downstairs to talk to the hotheaded teenager. She still wore her uniform and the clicking of her boots against the cement floor caught Bakugo‘s attention.

Hana didn’t know this boy well at all, but she had seen him during the sports festival so she knew what he could do.

“What the fuck do you want.”

“Look I just want to talk. I’m not gonna hurt you or anything. I come in peace kiddo.” Hana had brought a chair down with her and sat straddling the seat while leaning on the back of the chair with her arms crossed.

“So... what’s your story?” Hana’s tone was kind and curious. She wanted to get to know Bakugo before trying to get him to join.

“I don’t have to tell you shit. Let me go you sick bitch.” Bakugo was angry but he was too tired to put much effort into his insults. His hands were handcuffed behind him so he couldn’t really fight.

“Okay I get it. The Leauge kidnapped you. But there’s no need to call me a bitch. I didn’t kidnap you, they did.” Hana pretended to look hurt.

“Whatever.”

“Listen. I just wanna get to know you. I wanna know your story. How about we make a deal. I’ll tell you who I am and what my story is first, and then you tell me yours. Deal?”

Katsuki thought it over for a moment. He could tell Hana wasn’t a threat but he could also tell she was stubborn. She wasn’t gonna budge and she was gonna keep asking no matter how many times he cursed at her or spit in her face. After a long day of training and over exerting his powers, for the first time in a while, Bakugo wasn’t in the mood to argue.

“Whatever. Deal.” He rolled his eyes as the raven haired girl infront of him smiled enthusiastically.

“Awesome! Let’s get started, oh um, where should I start? Um, hi, my name is Hanako Yamada. My friends call me Hana, um-“

“Wait, you’re- you’re the missing girl. You’re Present Mic’s little sister aren’t you?” Bakugo couldn’t help but interrupt.

“Yeah. Sadly that’s me. Um anyway-” Hana nervously fiddled with her fingers, spinning the promise ring that Touya gave her senior year around in circles.

“Why sadly? Your brother is a hero? Aren’t you proud?” Bakugo was confused at why Hana didn’t enjoy having a pro hero older brother.

“I was proud when he was still my brother. Before he went pro. Before he went pro he was actually there for me. Hizashi is almost 8 years older than me but he always took care of me. When he graduated and went pro, he -he wasn’t my brother anymore. He was Present Mic, the magnificent Pro-Hero. He would call every once in a while but he was never there for me.”

Bakugo understood completely. He knew what it was like to have someone who didn’t act like the person they needed them to be. His mother never really acted like a mother. She wasn’t caring or nurturing like everyone else’s mom. She yelled a lot and was never really there for him when he needed his mom.

“Um.. Anyway.. I didnt go to UA for school but growing up everyone knew me as Hizashi’s little sister. He was loud and outgoing and I was the opposite. I kept to myself and didn’t have very many friends which was fine with me. I would have gone to college but I lost someone really close to me when I turned 20. My best friend disappeared. Me and Touya had big plans for life but after he disappeared I didn’t know what to do with myself. I moved out and got a job at the coffee bar down the street and that was my new life. I lived alone and sad. Hizashi would text me occasionally but he wasn’t there for me like I needed him to be.” Hana ran her fingers through her long black locks and played with the dead ends.

“I know the feeling.. I don’t have any siblings but I can relate because of my mom.. My mom doesn’t really act like my mom. She’s got a firecracker personality and it’s where I get mine from but she’s cold, and harsh, and she blows up at me more than she says she loves me. She doesn’t care for me like other kids moms. That’s one reason why I hate Deku... his home life is so much better than mine and he takes it for granted. You have no idea how much I would give to be able to hear my mom say she was proud of me for once...” Bakugo’s voice wavered as he talked and Hana knew this must be a hard topic for him.

“Hey kiddo it’s gonna be okay. I’m sorry your mom isn’t much of a mom..” Hana didn’t really know what to say to the blonde but she she couldn’t help but feel resentful towards his mother. Hana couldn’t understand why someone wouldn’t care for their child like a proper human being. Hana didn’t care for kids that much but she knew they needed love and positive encouragement.

“I’m sorry your brother isn’t much of a brother.” Bakugo couldn’t help but mimic the woman infront of him. He wished that his mother had conversations like this with him. Bakugo didn’t have an outlet to let talk to anyone or let out his emotions and this time with Hana was something he was really enjoying. But he would never admit that to her. Without realizing it, Bakugo had let his walls down and it felt good.

That night Hana and Bakugo spilled secrets, told jokes, shared stories and they both let their walls down and just.. talked. Which was something new for the both of them. They both had more fun than they would like to admit and enjoyed each others company. Hana had started to care for the boy and if he needed a mother figure, she was gonna do her best to be that for him.

— The Next Morning —

Bakugo woke to the loud slam of the wooden door against the concrete wall.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LET HIM GO-Oh he’s right here. Oh you meant. Oh.” Dabi rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. He didn’t realize when you told him that you let him go, you meant you untied his restraints.

“Sorry to wake you hun. I’m about to make breakfast. I’ll bring you some in a bit.” Hana rubbed her fingers through Bakugo’s messy blonde hair. He nodded to Hana and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“What just happened? Why are you making him breakfast and not me??” Dabi was baffled by the interaction he just watched. He couldn’t believe that his girlfriend was making a prisoner breakfast instead of her boyfriend.

“I stayed up last night and talked to the boy. Got to know him and we talked about stuff. He’s got some issues with a parental figure that’s lacking and I figured that if I give him what he needs he can help us get what we want. Plus he’s a really good kid Dabi, he trusts me.” Hana worked her way around the kitchen as she spoke. Making bacon and eggs for the firecracker in the basement.

“Update Shigaraki on the situation so he doesn’t go prodding in places he isn’t needed. I’m so close to getting a forward answer from him on joining.” Hana couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Bakago joining their little ring of misfits. So far he hadnt tried to escape and he seemed to trust her and if he didn’t then he was a hell of a good actor.

Hana entered the basement with the hot breakfast and a glass of orange juice. Bakugo’s mouth pratically watered at the sight. “Here you go hun, if you need anything else let me know.” Bakugo hummed in response as he dug into food and started shoveling. 

“Katsuki i need to talk to you. I know you are probably hesitant about all of this but i wanted to know if you’ll join us..” Hana couldn’t help but fiddle with her fingers in anticipation for the boys answer. she was very anxious about asking him but thats what Shigaraki wanted.

Bakugo was silent. He knew this was coming but he didn’t realize it would be so soon.

“You won’t have to stay with us if you don’t want to. You can stay at UA and be our informant. You won’t be technically a part of the league of villains but you will assist us. I can train you. You’re already amazing and at the top of your class but you could be so much more Katsuki..” Hana started rambling to fill the awkward silence..

“Shut up fuckstick. Stop rambling. I- I’ll-“

Before he could answer the bulding shook as a huge explosion went off. The building shook so hard that it knocked Hana off her feet. She fell forward into the teen and he caught her effortlessly.

Hana mumbled several curses under her breath as she pulled herself together. She knew exactly who was here and she was pissed. Dabi lit ablaze in self defense and Hana was so ready to scream.

“Watch the kid. I have someone to deal with.” Hana rushes out of the room before either of the boys could protest.

Hana silently prayed that her least favorite person wasn’t here but then she heard it.

“LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE. GIVE ME BACK MY SISTER! YA DIG?!”

Present Mic’s booming voice could be heard from miles away.

“Fuck.”

[feldintobed]

We went to a store called Enchantacys. It did not disappoint. Hubby was looking for some new Anal toys. He found one that Was heavy and had a pink sparkly end on it. Im the one that would see it. We got some nipple suckers. A Powerful mini wand. We got a sexy outfit for me. Sadly It didnt fit right. Will need to pick out 2 piece in the future. I am a big girl and stuff doesnt always work out. I was bummed it didnt work out. BUT holy shit did the mini wand we got work in my favor! The nipple suckers are also amazing. We got a small leather paddle for smacking asses!

We worked on setting up our large Christmas display. I told hubby i wanted to try those nipple suckers. Wow, thats a sexy experience. I have what are called inverted nipples. Its a small thing I have always disliked about my body. So it felt good to have that suction on them, drawing them out.

We are still working on my deep throating. So I started giving hubby a blow job. My stomach was just to upset. But hubby used our new wand on me. OMG he had me climaxing several times within a couple of minutes. We decided that we would try again in the morning.

Morning comes around and hubby was still sleeping and so I decided to grab the nipple suckers and wear them for a while see how it feels. OMG my nipples were very stimulated, made me horny. I grabbed a dildo and slid it inside me to hold hubbys place until he woke up. When he did he was pleasantly surprised. He played with our new nipple toy. I moved his hand to where my vibrator was, and he became really excited.

He grabbed our new paddle and smacked my ass over and over and told me to suck his dick again. The dildo fell out pretty soon after i started sucking his huge cock from how wet I was getting. He smacked my ass again demanding i deep throat him over and over. Telling me how much he loves it. I do my best to let him face fuck me with my hand on his shaft. I look up, and I can tell he is getting close. He says "I am gonna cum in your mouth. " I kept my mouth on the tip of his enormous cock and he proceeded to beat himself until he released his load in my mouth. I then had him help me get myself off with my new wand. It didnt take long and i was orgasming again. God I love that toy!!!!

I hope we get to use it again tonight

[a-goddessofmischief]

My grandfather passed away on December 1st last year. 11 days before my birthday. We weren’t as close anymore as we used to be but we were still very close.

For a little background, I grew up without my biological father. He left when I was very young and I’ve never seen him. It kind of got harder when I was in school because people would pick on me. It also didnt help that I called my grandfather “Dad”. Thats just what everyone else called him when I was growing up so thats what I called him.

It was very sudden. He had a heart attack, which the doctor didn’t realize that he had one until something happened. I cant remember if he had another heart attack or if his defribulator kept going off but they put him in a chemical induced coma without our consent. It was his only option to keep him alive though. That was followed by four of the longest days of my life. I don’t remember eating or showering. We barely slept. One minute he was going to be released and the next everything went black.

The day he was supposed to be taken to another hospital was the day he passed. His heart just kept failing him and there was no way they could’ve moved him. We were called in at 4 am, and if I thought the four days prior were long, those last five hours he lived were an eternity.

We weren’t sure how long he had left that morning. He already had to be revived twice when the nurse called us. So there wasnt a minute to spare and the only way in our local hospital to the ICU was from the ER which was on the other side. The parking sucks on the ER side so my mom pulled up and told me that I had to run to him. I took off my sweater, held my phone, and tightened my laces. The moment the car slowed down I jumped out. I held my phone in my hand and ran. The hospital is huge and there were so many halls. I had never been through the hospital this way so i was trying my best to think and pay attention to where i was.

My phone rang and i didnt look to see who it was. It was my aunt. She was driving and trying to come to the hospital. She was crying and trying to hold it together. I kept telling her to breathe and to mind the road. She seemed to understand and as soon as I got her calm i found myself in front of the ICU door. Theres only one door and it has a lock that cant be opened from the outside. There was always another nurse in front to push the button to open the door but she wasnt there. I didnt know if my grandpa was still alive or not. I couldnt be on the phone with my aunt if he was gone. I told her i had to hang up and she screamed.

That sound haunts me. I told her to breathe and that I find her and drag her here if i had to. But she had to make it here. She responded in a shaky voice an answer I will never forget. “Meg, tell him that if he has to go that we’ll be okay. Its okay for him to go.” I hung up. Determined more than ever before to get through that damn door. I banged on it with both my fists and shouted but no one from the other side approached the door. I turned and saw a janitor and begged him to open the door. He stared at me for a second.

My unbrushed hair, wrinkled jeans and grey thermal top, my eyes red and burning. I felt myself shaking from my head to my toes from shock. He went over and hit the button to open the door. I ran down the hall and I only screamed one word.

“DADDY!”

i skidded to a halt in front of the door to his room. There was a large group of nurses and paramedics blocking my way. A nurse came forward to hug me but i peeled myself away and walked through the door.

His heart was beating still. He was so still. Looked like he was taking a nap if there hadnt been a balloon in his chest and tubes coming from his throat.

The nurse was talking, I have no clue what she said. But i turned and saw my mom and thats when I remembered how close my aunt was. Mom stayed as I ran back down the hallways, i got to the door as soon as my aunt did. We ran all the way back, i knew the way now and the nurses were waiting holding it open for us.

So much happened. We surrounded him for several minutes begging him to hang on when his monitor stopped. They pulled us out of the room and took us down a hallway. My mom stayed by his door but my aunt went from hysterical to defeated.

My calm and cool and never panic aunt was breaking in front of me. She kept talking to herself about everything she did wrong. She was blaming herself. She shouldve stayed overnight, she shouldve done this and that.

She slumped against a wall and sank to the floor. She kept shaking her head and blaming herself.

My mother was doing the same thing two days before. Almost exactly word for word. It blows me away sometimes how similar they are.

I kneeled in front of her and held her head in my hands. I tried to get her to look at me but she kept her eyes closed. “Listen to me. I know you’re tired and I know this us hard. But we’re going to fight. We’re going to keep fighting because thats how we were raised. Thats how Dad raised us. And you’re not gonna blame yourself, its not your fault. You have to stop saying tgat because my mom is blaming herself too.” She opened her eyes and it seemed like she was seeing me for the first time. The nurse came over and told us he was with us and she jumped up and ran to my mom’s side. They were twin pillars, holding my world together as it came crashing around us. They left for a few minutes to make calls to his siblings to come to him. I was alone with him. Holding his hand and watching his face, brushing his hair back. The nurses and paramedics left the room. I was alone with him. I had so much to say but i didnt know how long I had to say it. Just the day before I was alone with him again and had begged him to hold on for us because I had forgotten how to change a tire and who was going to teach my cousin Lee if he left us? Who was going to raise his chickens? Buy laptops every time they updated? Get ice cream treats? Who could possibly do the things he did. In that moment, I figured out my answer. “Dad. I promised you when Ashley’s kids were born that I would watch over them when you couldn’t. I promise to watch over them and teach them everything you taught me. I promise to be there for grandma and mom and ashley. I promise to do everything I can for them, Dad. If you have to go, i just need you to know that I was the luckiest girl to have you as my grandpa. I don’t want you to go, but I know you have to. I love you so much Daddy.“ My mom and aunt came back at that point and started making calls to hold the phone up to his ear so our family who was too far could at least tell him good bye. I started blabbering. Talking about stories about him. Our adventures on road trips or at work or this and that. After awhile I started to hear how desperate I sounded. I kissed his forehead for the last time and ran out. My boyfriend had come and i collapsed in his arms sobbing and telling him how I couldn’t stand that damn heart monitor sound any longer. He hugged me and sat me down and soothed me till I could at least breathe at a somewhat normal pace. Then he went back to the room. I was in the hall crying and trying to maintain some composure. He came back a couple minutes later and took me to the waiting room where we sat for the next hour. He talked at times but I dont remember what he said. I justed stared at the off white linoleum. The next few hours are kind of a blur of a couple family members coming up to me and other people rushing past but i couldn’t register anything until my mother came out and told me he was gone. She put her car keys in my hand and said something about paperwork. My boyfriend walked me out the same hallway I ran through. The sun had risen but I didnt know what time it was. The car seemed to get further away. Each step weighed me down morethan the last. It felt like everything was moving in fast forward except me. I stopped and started screaming. My boyfriend held me and i sobbed and hung onto him as my knees gave out. I felt like my world had come crumbling down and screaming was the only thing that I had control over. I stopped eventually and went back inside to give my mom her keys back. My boyfriend gave me a ride home and for the next week, me and mom stayed at my grandmas and just cried and slept. And now, roughly 9 months later, it doesn’t feel like anything is actually easier. I still have moments where I feel like theres a boulder on my chest and it takes every ounce of energy just to swallow a bite of food. The only thing that keeps me going is my promise. Even though the pain is constant, it feels lessened when I take care of my family and other people. I don’t normally post this kind of stuff. I just have these feelings sometimes that things don’t feel whole since I can’t share them with my grandpa. It’s like having a puzzle but youre missing the piece that finishes the picture. Every single day is a battle. A battle with my depression, a battle with the fact that hes gone, my family is smaller without him. I never told anyone what happened from my own perspective. No one asked me how I felt or what I did. Not a lot of people know I was there that morning. My grandpa wasn’t a celebrity or anything close to it, but he was to me. It was suggested to me that I write what happened and at least then its out in the open and not trapped inside my head playing over and over again. I’m not doing this for notes or attention. Just to feel a tiny bit free from my overwhelming grief. At least its a step toward moving on. Thank you for reading.

[honeyrose-tea]

thank you for sharing all that with me. it means a lot to me that you trust me. honestly, if he was showing all the signs of being attracted to you he probably was. which just means hes kind of a floozy for moving on to someone else so easily. i do wish your mutual friends had thought to set you up with him, but its possible they didn't know you were interested, or didnt think the two of you had compatible long term goals. i wouldnt blame them too harshly, since you dont know why things happened the way they did.

the one thing i do want to tell you is: do not stop caring about yourself. you are beautiful, and so smart, and such a talented singer/song writer. you have a lot of incredible things that people definitely do notice. i notice, and i miss you when we dont talk for long periods. and i promise you i dont mean this in a disparaging way, but youre young! you have so much life left to love and to fall in love and to have others fall in love with you. 

feel free to stop wearing makeup if thats what you truly want, but dont feel as though none of it is worth it. just because you havent found love yet doesnt mean you never will. 

i do think youre good enough and deserving of love and i really hope you find a love that is strong and pure and that he will be able to show you he loves you even when you feel unloveable, but love is something that takes time and it takes a little bit of patience and luck. but I do know youll find the one for you -🌙

before I get into all my own thoughts, I just wanna say thank you. you always know the right things to say to make me feel better. I love you, friend. and I hope you're doing good too, I know I didn't ask about you in my last message but I was honestly just... feeling terribly. I do care of course and I'd love to know what's going on with you too!!!

so, as far as building my evidence for him being attracted to me, this is what I have

- all the sudden (about 3-4 weeks ago) he started mentioning he was single as often as possible

- he touched me multiple times in one night (not really sexually or anything, a quick hand on my back or my shoulder or something kinda flirty like that) after never having done it before, then stopped and has been almost... purposeful about not doing it again. like it spooked him or something

- EYE CONTACT. very very deep (he looked like he could see into my soul and it was freakyyyy) and often he was looking at me even when someone else was talking

- he has started doing audio and camera at church despite not knowing anything about tech stuff. this also happened right about the same time he started expressing interest in me, and he's almost always on the schedule the same weeks I am. if I didn't know better I'd think he did it to hang out with me. last night at our band rehearsal (which the tech people also attend) I didn't look at him because I didn't want to but I could see him staring at me from the corner of my eye and he seemed... to know something was up. that's probably also me just projecting my own thoughts onto him but I had no feelings for him until he started expressing interest in me, so I feel like at least part of this is based in fact? I don't know

- when I told him about a recent accomplishment of mine, he looked me very deep in my eyes and said "I'm so proud of you" which... is kind of something you had to be there to understand how meaningful it was but it was just so.... genuine and loving. anyway

- he always hangs around during our church group until we're the last two (aside from the couple whose house we're at) and he always parks next to me and says bye to me for a few moments while we're outside alone. he always makes sure to say when he'll see me again, like he's anticipating it and hopes I am too

- he teases and jokes with me a lot but never goes too far or gets rowdy about it like he does with the others

- despite not being a big compliment person he has on several occasions complimented me on being smart and a good singer (both of which are debatable, but I digress). I haven't really noticed him doing it with anyone else either

- we've been talking through a sermon series on marriage (which has been a whole thing lol) and every time he chimes in with some kind of insight about what a good marriage should look like, he seems to always be looking at me

- it feels like he always stands or sits either 1) slightly too close and/or 2) directly across from me so he can stare at me the whole time. I can always feel his eyes on me and it makes me so nervous

- the first time he mentioned going on a date with this girl, I *almost* thought he was testing me to see if I was jealous. as usual, he was staring right at me when he said it, like he was trying to gauge my reaction or something. maybe I'm just crazy. probably

- even after having said all this stuff about how much he liked her, he was still hyper-focused on me the whole night, and when I mentioned how none of my friends are comfortable with physical touch and it's one of the things I crave and miss a lot, he looked at me with what I can only describe as this face 🥺 and said "I'll give you hugs" (among several other flirty things he did that night)

there's a lot more that I just can't think of right now. seeing it all written out makes it seem kinda flimsy but I really could have sworn he was being a lot more than friendly toward me on many many occasions. so anyway yeah. I guess we're just good friends and I should forget it and just try and act normal around him. I can't help getting a pit in my stomach when he's around now. I never used to act weird around him even though I definitely thought he was attracted to me but now I just feel... hurt and confused. I don't even know how to act anymore

as for our mutual friends who set him up with the girl (Madison), I don't harbor any resentment toward them at all. you're right, it was probably just a situational thing where they didn't really think about me. and Madison is such a good match for him it really does make sense that they set them up. that doesn't really make me feel any better though

and I of course still care about myself, this has just been a big blow to my self-confidence, especially since he's the first person I've even thought about in a romantic way since Eli. it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't have romantic love, which I desire so so so much. even when I'm being friendly and accomplishing a lot and keeping up with my appearance and doing everything right AND when I feel like someone is showing all the signs of being into me, stuff still goes wrong. I wasn't in love or anything, but I really liked the idea of being with him. he's kind and responsible and involved in our church and comes from a really sweet family and has a million more incredible traits that I don't want to get into right now. I just wish things weren't always getting ruined.

more than anything I'm just mad at myself. I was stupid for thinking he was into me and deep down I know I'm stupid for hoping he still is and will realize it somehow. I'm a good person and I like myself but I couldn't compare to Madison in a million years. she's gonna be good to him and I know she'll make him happy, which is at least a little bit of a comfort. I do really just want him to be happy. at the end of the day he's one of my best friends. I'll get over it and deal with it quietly and with any luck he won't know.

thank you for being so kind and taking your time to write all of this to me. you're so encouraging and far too sweet to me and I appreciate it more than I can say. talk soon, friend. I love you

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn