goron-king-darunia · 1 year ago
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Eggtober Recap and Masterpost 2023
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Untitled Egg Poem Egg Yolk Splattered in a chipped bowl, Limitless potential Broken like the dawn.
Scared of wasted sunrise, Scared of loving white lies, Yearning, Wanting to breathe free.
Prison within a prison, Living without living, I am spinning, toiling, burning, Breaking, sifting, praying, learning, Nothing blooming Nothing growing Tears.
Crackling insanity, A song that boils within me A rhythm Setting me in stone.
And I'll claw in Like dandelions, Vines, like yeast and mold I'll make a mark one day, you'll see.
Rooted, I'll grow my thorns, It's not my fault for being born, Sorry if My laughter is too loud.
I'll make a reverie of mechanical monotony No more apologies Just me. Insects and wriggling larvae, Eggshell like lead paint chips, Star dust doesn't choose its shape.
Pigment from wilted roses, blood spilled by mistake, I refuse to ever break.
Not again.
Eggtober is over. We did it~ The poem doesn't really speak to a current state of mind. Just a pattern of maladaptive thinking I grew up having, being the weird kid. People like the rough edges a lot more when you grow up, I've found. Makes you interesting. Or maybe it's just easier to find your people when you're unapologetically strange online. And I like that Eggtober sort of embraces that. It's not a super serious Inktober challenge. Just a bunch of weird people drawing weird eggs. And I mean that in the best way. People expect there to be a "why" a lot. "Why eggs?" And sometimes there is a why. Sometimes I draw eggs to express something or to symbolize something. But sometimes there is no why. Sometimes it's just because an egg is easy or fun or comfortable. Sometimes an egg just feels right. Sometimes it's just to make something. Doesn't have to be poetic or meaningful. Sometimes you just draw an egg, and that's all it is. And I think a lot of discomfort around art is that everyone expects there to be a why, and if you don't have a why, then your art doesn't deserve to be seen. "Why do you like gorey stuff, kinky stuff, weird stuff? If you can't explain, I'm choosing to believe you're a freak and should be disallowed from creating." And I'm lucky, I think, to not be that popular. I don't get asked these sorts of things. But I see it happen to other people. And sometimes I get it. An answer to the why pacifies. I get uneasy with horror the same as everyone and I pacify it by reading the wiki and learning the secrets and understanding the why. But I think we need to get more comfy making up our own why, or get comfy with the knowledge that sometimes there isn't a why. Sometimes the little brain goblin decides there is no why. They just like the weird little eggs. And that's okay. And I think the reason we make up for other peoples' "why" should maybe stop being "because they're a weird little freak that likes degenerate things." Because yeah, maybe they are. But it's not a bad thing. And the world is a lot more interesting when we accept that we don't always know the why. And the why isn't always as simple as that.
I dunno. I'm rambling a bit. But I'm grateful to everyone that showed up and participated and shared and liked and just... enjoyed existing where the thing happening was lots of eggs and the "why" was just "why not?"
Hoping every one of you has a nice glass of your preferred warm beverage and stays nice and toasty for the rest of the year. (Shout out to the southern hemisphere folks if there are any. May you guys have an iced beverage of your choice and stay nice and cool for the rest of the year.)
Lots of thoughts about Eggtober 2023 and no good way to articulate them, but suffice it to say that having a loose amount of structure like this is very good on my garbage ADHD brain. If anything in the collage catches your fancy, here's the posts in order from the top left to the bottom right. May the rest of 2023 be sweet. I can't wait to see everyone again next year! And don't eat too much Halloween Candy at once, even if it is those yummy gummy fried egg candies.
Eggtober 2023 Posts in Order: (Unfortunately I didn't learn about the speedpaint feature until day 6 😢)
Eggtober 1st: Fried Egg on Green Eggtober 2nd: Lemon Fried Egg (Both Versions) Eggtober 3rd: Fried Egg Cake
Eggtober 4th: Poached Eggs and Asparagus Hollandaise Eggtober 5th: Sheet Pan Fried Eggs Eggtober 6th: Raw Egg (Both Versions)
Eggtober 7th: Painted Egg Eggtober 8th: Rice Crispy Eggs Eggtober 9th: Chocolate Souffle Eggtober 10th: Hot and Sour Soup
Eggtober 11th: Flan Eggtober 12th: Fried Eggs and Bacon Eggtober 13th: Ramen Eggs Eggtober 14th: Tiger Skin Egg
Eggtober 15th: Fried Egg with Berries Eggtober 16th: Cheesy Baked Cream Eggs Eggtober 17th: Mushroom Quiche Eggtober 18th: Cipriani Cake
Eggtober 19th: Pavlova with Strawberry Jam Eggtober 20th: Deviled Egg Eggtober 21st: Hard-boiled Egg and Mayo Eggtober 22nd: Scrambled Eggs with Cheese
Eggtober 23rd: Omurice Eggtober 24th: Shrimp Fried Rice Eggtober 25th: Uovo in Raviolo Eggtober 26th: Image of Fried Egg on Jack-o-lantern.
Eggtober 27th: Tea Egg Eggtober Eggtober 28th: Monster Eggs Eggtober 29th: Korean Egg Bread Eggtober 30th: Fried Egg on Magenta in the Stlye of @quezify
Eggtober 31st: Fried Egg on Burger Eggtober 31st Bonus: Egg Creature from SNOBBISM
Special thanks to my bae, @actualaster for the love and support, @hannikka for the encouraging words, @lady-quen for the ongoing collab, and @quezify for being the best host. Love you all! I am putting the King Sized Reese's and KitKat candy bars in your metaphorical Halloween bags.
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1ore · 1 year ago
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Begging my brain to think about anything else. but I am once again extrapolating on things that are not deep or intentional. I think it is a little bit lame that Mordremoth is Zhaitan 2.0 re: how it organizes its little dudes and generally menaces the world. And this has led me down a dark path called “but if you put stinknet in charge of the cosmos what WOULD it do”
I love plants. I Love plants! However I can acknowledge that many of these bastards are on 2384628748 layers of metagaming. Mr. fruit tree has done millions of years of adaptive math to calculate Optimal Leaf Surface Area Ratios. he has tricked animals into doing his bidding before (fruit can be exchanged for goods and services) and He Will Do It Again. We have medicines, mind-altering substances, and whole flavors just because a plant needed to either discombobulate animals or put them to work. I just read a fun theory that spines were evolved not just to be hurty ouchy when you bite into them, but to exhaust and slow down insect herbivores by creating a maze-like terrain that's harder to navigate. That is an insane long con. And neither the plant nor the insect are really aware of the long con in a way that you can ascribe moment-to-moment intentionality to. Thru generations you have molded yourself into being a perfect chemical war machine, wizard labyrinth, and puppet master, and this is as second nature as breathing to you. all because you don’t have the luxury of moving around! You are growing in the shape that your ancestors gave you and swirling chemicals around and reacting to your own funny little sensory world. And maybe all I am in that world is a source of “AHHHHHH DON’T BITE ME AHHHHH” or “disperse my seeds, boy.”
I am not interested in making plants seem scary or nefarious just for the hell of it. But I do think it’s fun to be humbled by our relationship with them and to explore feeling vulnerable in that. You are not always in control. Probably you are not in control even half of the time! Sometimes there will be a creature in your space that is just trying to live, and the lengths it goes to to survive can seem extreme, even callous and destructive, but even Manchineel is just some guy going about its life. It just figured out the right chemical cocktail to drive herbivory way down and fertilizer way up.
Oh to be a little rat scrabbling around in the body of a living system that is much larger and more complex than you can fathom, and which would probably think of you in the same bewildered way. (Except when you start gnawing on its roots. Then it becomes a very simple conversation that any two organisms can understand: AHHHHH SCARY HERBIVORE!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH DEADLY NEUROTOXIN!!!!!)
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livvyofthelake · 2 years ago
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be controversial. rank midnights. <3
well since you asked <3 i like to group them into categories. 1) overhyped and quickly lost their shine to me. 2) overrated by swifties because they’re specific to miss taylor’s life. but can’t be related to anything else, you know, the way you’re supposed to do with music :/ 3) hidden gems everyone overlooks. and 4) grew on me like a strange mold or fungus
high infidelity- everybody knows i love this song and i love cheating and infidelity. literally your picket fence is sharp as knives. do i really have to tell you how he brought me back to life…. insane song. if julian fellowes heard this he’d spontaneously explode (<- guy who has normal feelings and no resentment about british drama downton abbey and it’s creator voice)
the great war- literally i didn’t appreciate her in the beginning i was so foolish i was so naive… literally all that bloodshed crimson clover uh huh sweet dream was over my hand was the one you reached for all throughout the great war… i love that she compared fighting with your lover to world war one. someone should make a riverdale core four amv to this
snow on the beach- i love this song right now. it’s simple it’s nice it’s a lovely little love song and lana del ray is doing her moan-singing in the background what’s not to like! also it makes me think about merlin and morgana which causes my brain to short circuit. i overlooked her when the album first came out but i’m back now i should never have left her…
question- i swear to god i’m not being biased because this one also makes me think of merlin and morgana. however it does. anyway i actually always liked this one but i forgot about it for a few weeks there and now i want to listen to it on repeat…
glitch- i love glitch. everybody hates glitch idk what y’all’s problem is i think glitch is fun. also it’s about my buddy kit herondale. if you even care. i don’t however like it as much as i did before i started listening to the above songs again. but i’ve always been a glitch defender
sweet nothing- i think it’s a nice and lovely little song <3 however i hate the parts that are Taylor Specific. but in general i like this song a lot, i remember saying when i first heard it it was a jabitha song and like. so true me it IS a jabitha song… they said the end is coming everyone’s up to something but all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing…..
lavender haze- i didn’t like this one initially because it felt too self referential but the “i’m damned if i do give a damn what people say” line goes crazy. i love how she sings that line i love the play on words i love how real it is. we literally are all damned if we do give a damn what people say….
vigilante shit- VERY much suffers from being too much about taylor’s life however it grew on me and EYE think it’s fun. also i am going to make a morgana amv to this. sorry i’ve literally mentioned morgana so many times already but what can i say midnights is a very morgana album to me
mastermind- mal descendants swag… i haven’t listened to this one much since the early days but i didn’t grow to dislike it at all it’s fine it’s just not my favorite
paris- i hate this song. i also am obsessed with it. it’s so complex. all i really know is that i actively seek out listening to this more than most on the album.
you’re on your own kid- has some good stuff going on but in general this is another Specific To Taylor’s Situation song and i don’t like that!!! i hate that so much of her music is unable to be applied to anything but her life it’s narcissistic and masturbatory and ridiculous. and swifites eat it up because they’re functionally in a cult. however the first couple lines of the bridge make me insane so.
karma- i don’t mind this song but i rarely seek it out to listen. also i hate when she says “spider boy” girl what are you even talking about there and are you sure there were no other words you could have used?
anti-hero- very much a taylor swift lead single in the sense that it is bad! i loved it at first honestly but i think swifties and tiktok made it so annoying and insufferable it ruined it for me and now i’m like ughhh yeah girl i get it you’re the anti hero whatever. i don’t hate it it’s a fun song. it’s a very blorbo song to me also obviously, but it’s also kind of annoying and also there was a period of like two weeks where i kept getting this ad on spotify with this song but it was just the part where she repeats it’s me hi i’m the problem it’s me and it just kept repeating and it made me lose my mind a little. i considered starting to pay for spotify because of that ad.
bejeweled- i liked this one and then taylor made it a single and i kept hearing it on tiktok and now i think it’s mildly annoying. it’s fun don’t get me wrong i still like it but. well you know what i mean
bigger than the whole sky- kind of a nothing song tbh. i remember really liking it back when it came out but what the hell was i thinking… i skip it so fast now…
midnight rain- kind of a nothing song to me. what the hell are you even talking about taylor. also jack antonoff’s production here pisses me off. it feels like she named the album midnights and THEN wrote this song to fit the theme and i don’t care if that’s true that’s how it feels and i don’t like it.
maroon- i. don’t like maroon. it’s lame to me. i liked it at first but the shine wore off now it’s just like. what the fuck does it even mean? outside the obvious red reference it’s a nothing meaning and it’s lame. i love that it features cheating tho!
would’ve could’ve should’ve- TERMINAL Specific To Taylor’s Situation disease!!! also i really don’t like the way the transition between the pre-chorus and the chorus sounds. i like the beginning when she’s singing in a deeper voice but as soon as she jumps to the higher pitch i hate it so much. i also don’t vibe when taylor tries to write religious metaphors. she’s not good at it and i can tell she didn’t grow up going to church every sunday and is mainly just culturally christian. taylor you’re not ethel cain stop trying to do religious references in your lyrics.
labyrinth- i literally listened to this once and i never want to do it again. boring! lame! i literally don’t even give enough of a shit to try to remember what it was even about. all i know is that when it comes on i press skip
dear reader- i don’t think i ever listened to this all the way through. it bored me to my core and it just immediately felt like a Specific To Taylor song and i didn’t care to find out. idk what the songs even about and i never want to because i don’t care <3
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marimeleon · 11 months ago
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gender
I wake up. I feel like I’m being suffocated, but I’m taking deep breaths anyway. What the fuck.
My chest is too tight. Too loose. Too big. Too small. My hips, too. My stomach. Everything is too round and massive but somehow not enough to fill any shirt or pants anyway, unless it’s on the days that I don’t want them to. Suddenly I’m perfectly able to fill my shirts with a chest I never asked for. Until I want to. Then it empties out again, a glass of water being poured out until my brain fills it back up with opposites and illusions.
I have to rip my eyes off the mirror, only to lock eyes with myself in the other. My face, soft and round and oily and filthy. I can’t scrub the blur off of my jawline, I can’t sculpt and morph my face as I please. My glasses are so dirty my eyes itch. I know I won’t bother to clean them.
My hair. God, my hair. Lovely and long, heavy and disgusting. I love my long hair. No I don’t. Sure I do, I’m growing it on purpose. But it would be so much easier to just cut it.
I feel eyes on me. I know I’m alone. Of course I’m alone. I’m always alone. Everybody gets thrown away from me. I have a really good arm for that. But the eyes, they don’t go away. And I feel like somebody’s breathing down my neck, long fingers stroking my too-long-not-long-enough hair even though I’m looking at myself in the mirror and nothing is there. I know I’m crazy. I know I’m sleep deprived. But I can’t help that the pain that comes from being awake at night is the most freeing feeling I could ever hope to feel.
Do I wanna be a guy today? No one else would notice. I don’t even know who’s lying to me. It’s always respect until “what’s your real name? I need to write it on the paper” “what are you really?” “how can I help you? don’t you know I can’t help you if you don’t tell me how?” I know when I leave no matter what I’m nothing but my height and chest and hips and hair and manners and voice and face and and and
How about a girl? It would sure be easier. I already fit the mold. Avery is just such a cute name for a girl, right? And I’d make such a cute girl. Living wrongly, but it’s not wrong, is it? It’s not wrong when I’m with girls and suddenly I’m one of them? When I’m with guys and I’m terrified because I know I’m not safe with them? 
Maybe neither. Both? It feels awkward when I’m in the car and they talk about how much they’d love to “fuck a trap” but what am I meant to do? Who am I to say anything? To be offended? To sit there and talk about shit that I can barely relate to because it’s not like I make an effort. An old binder and no hormones and no surgery and no masculine clothes, because I just want to be pretty like a man is pretty. Is it so wrong to be seen as me? I don’t like labels. I’m sure some of that is underlying insecurity, and I’m positive it’s because I’m tired of being me. Maybe if I don’t exist in a community, I’ll stop existing at all. Human nature is to find a pack, but every pack I find is full of people that don’t take me as I am. I am me. No one seems to get that. But how do I explain that without sounding fucking insane? How do I explain, “I’m a boy! But I’m not! Please respect me.”
I don’t even respect me. How pathetic that I ask people to respect somebody I don’t even look up to. Weak.
I wake up. Today’s better, I guess. I’m less hollow, but it’s turned from empty weight to something heavier than I can tank. Mom gets mad at me. I get it. I would be mad too. Who wouldn’t be mad at somebody who can’t get their shit together? 4 years of therapy for what, somebody who doesn’t want to die anymore? Everyone got that memo when they left middle school, why did it take me so long? Am I broken? Probably. I think I figured that one out a while back. I dunno. Shit’s fake.
Expect it’s not. I am real. I am a tangible person. Tangible friends and family, people who objectively love me. I can’t say I’m unloved. I can’t just quit and call myself broken because I owe so many people so many things. But I’m tired. I’m just so tired. I wish I knew how to help me. I would love to give my village a guidebook on how to slay the monster I became. How to be patient with me. How I wish that they could tell me how my body isn’t defective without making me feel horrible that they even noticed I felt that way. How I yearn to be told I’m soft and how I wish to just be taken care of in just a fraction of the way I take care of others. I want to be told that I can just give it up for a day. Just one. One day to stop caring about everybody else but I can’t. I have to hold it together. I fucking hate myself. I don’t deserve anything. And that’s the most selfish part of everything.
I wake up. My chest is heavy again. Do I even want the surgery to lighten the load? I just dropped a hundred on bras, so really, what would be a bigger waste of money? I don’t try to pass. Who the fuck cares. I don’t correct people. I don’t care. I cannot care. If I care, I die. I lose. I show them that they have power over me. I am so horrifically insecure and disfigured in my own brain that I can’t even stand up for myself when I promise everybody I love that I always will. Full of pride and hatred. A vile combination to be stuck with when the vessel itself is unfit to hold even the smallest of negativity.
I wake up. I just wish I hadn’t. How pathetic.
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ragingtwilight · 2 years ago
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bc i didnt see them in my art tag heres the oc refs i made for artfight eyooooooo
Robyn isnt included bc i did his ref ages ago BUT his skintone has been slightly updated since last yall saw
but thats, like, it LOL
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my babies arrroughhgh bites and shakes arararrarar
In order we got Salem, Coyote, Coyote ft. his hat hair, Zaina, aaand Tekla
i will kill for them again
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rosaetae · 5 years ago
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among the evergreen
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☇ “The day you will see two of me is the same day you won't need me unless you say you do”
➣  pairing: reader x jungkook
➣  genre:  christmas themed, modernfantasy!au, e2l!au, fluff
➣  word count: 12.6k
➣  disclaimer:  this is literally an exaggerated satire of Hallmark Christmas movies filled with eggnog crack for the holiday spirit. please do not take this seriously. happy holidays! 
➣  summary: the odd christmas wedding with the odd christmas runaway with the odd christmas adventure with the odd christmas stranger
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"You can't be serious right now, ___."
"Hyunjung, I've never been more serious in my entire life." Grabbing a chunk of clothes from your closet that ranged from sweaters to leggings, you shove it into your duffel bag. "This version my parents made of me?— I'm not her. They seriously think they're going to discipline me by selling me off to a man I don't know?"
"Oh, don't be dramatic. They're not selling you off, they just arranged a marriage for you."
You open your mouth, gaping at her. "Even worst! Where's my consent? Where's my sense of individualism?! I'm an adult and yet, they're giving me away to a random person they arranged a marriage with just last year!"
"And may I remind you that you're getting married to that random person in two weeks, ___. Perfect for a Christmas wedding," Hyunjung optimistically exclaims over the FaceTime call, removing her towel that was wrapped around her head and combing her hair with her fingers. "I don't think you should be leaving."
You cringe at her romanticizing an arranged marriage that takes away your sense of freedom.
"No, Hyunjung," you point your lotion bottle in your hand at her. "The version that my parents fabricated of me— she. She's the one getting married in two weeks. I, however, am taking a trip to Europe."
"Europe?" She repeats, nearly gaping at the sound of that. "That's why you need me to drop you off at the airport? Europe? Are you joking me?"
You nearly snort, folding one of your t-shirts messily and tossing it into the duffel. "You thought I was joking when I took that trip to Greece by myself. Does it look like I'm joking?"
"Insane. You're absolutely insane."
"I hope you say that in a good way," you throw a wink at her.
"You cannot be serious."
"And why not? I'm my own adult! I can go to another country myself. Plus, you remember Hana, right? She offered a place for me to stay in London."  
Hyunjung raises her eyebrows. "And you're sure Hana is going to let you into her humble abode and take you in?"
"98% sure," you pause for a moment, continuing on to your last minute packing of shoving whatever you could into a duffel. "The 2% is only if I actually get there before she leaves for Amsterdam."
"Wait, what?"
"I should be getting there before Tuesday night, hopefully. If not, then I'm stuck to tend to a motel for a couple of nights until she comes back from finishing that research project in Amsterdam," you snort. "Which will be unlikely. I scheduled a plane for Italy that leaves tonight. From there, I have to take a bus to Belgium to take a ferry to London, so essentially I should be there before Monday."
"Why not take a straight plane to London?" Hyunjung inquires, evidently confused to your excessive and over-the-top plan.
"Where's the fun in that?" You chuckle, grabbing your backpack. "Do you wanna hear my plan that I originally called you for?"
Hyunjung makes a motion with her hand, urging you to proceed into such plan that you always make up to escape your drowning parents.
"A couple nights ago, I bought a plane ticket to Italy. I went to a travel advisor today and paid for a bus and a ferry with cash. This way, my parents will simply think I'm in Italy and while they'll most likely hold this whole huge crazy man hunt for me in Milan, I'll be in London, living my own life, single as a bird. Maybe drinking tea with the queen, perhaps."
The thin look Hyunjung plasters on her face is as if she was talking to someone who told her that she was having twins— maybe even triplets.
"Okay," she begins slowly, squeezing lotion into her hands. "Where do I lie in all of this?"
"What?" Narrowing your eyes at her mischievously, you smirk. "You think you have a role in my plan to be set free?"
"I have a role in any devious plan you make up in your head to get the hell away from your, and I quote, "insane, restricting puppeteers of parents"," she scoffs, making you laugh. "Now what is it? Do you want me to lie to them that you're in Italy?"
"See, you're already ahead of the game!"
She rolls her eyes.
"I just need you to lie that I did go to Italy only for a few weeks and if they press you, just tell them that that's all I told you. Easy."
"Yeah, until your parents try to blackmail me."
"They've never blackmailed you."
"Yeah," she exclaims before biting her lip. "But they could!"
"They won't do that," you roll your eyes at them. Sure your parents are strict, but they find blackmail a bit too extra. "Look, are you going to pick me up soon or not? I have a flight to catch."
"Yeah, yeah," she sighs. "I'll leave in five."
The parents that you call yours were indescribably suffocating.
Over-exaggerating, but you do try to peer at it from their perspective, but all you see is publicity and reputation in a string of lies and facades— all of which is clearly evident because you were grown up to keep such a good reputation.
Daughter of a CEO of an oil company and a broadway star, your life was bound to be molded into the flawless model of what a family should be. From the fake smiles on the news to having to be present at elite parties that nearly make you want to rip your brain out, doing one wrong thing would be an instant detrimental effect to your family.
And being tired of having to keep an ideal picture during the day, you sneak out during the night under fake names and fake personas— you are not the daughter of two important people, you are yourself.
Not getting caught was your specialty. It progressed well over time, knowing how well you can harbor in the dark for so long without being exposed, but that week-long trip to Greece was what probably ruined your streak when your mother found out you were not on that school trip upstate, but you were oceans away, relaxing in the nice beaches of Corfu.
Maybe then your mother has gone insane trying to maintain a good reputation for you, but an arranged marriage? Something they've never told you about since two weeks ago? Hell, you were going to drop everything and go off grid just for the arranged marriage to not happen.
And that's exactly what you're going to do.
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The current position you're, unfortunately, in is not ideal to your original plan you have set out for yourself.
Muscles growing tired, you've become exhausted, a tad bit dehydrated, and you had an odd craving for something with chocolate. And to tie it all off, your bus driver had just announced they are scheduled to depart a little later than usual as you sat at the window seat, pondering about the extra time you could've used to get a bottle of water and maybe some fudge brownies from the store, but sacrificing this seat is not apart of your plan.
So you sit there, watching strangers trickle in slowly to find seats on the bus, and thankfully none of them took the chance to sit in the empty seat next to you. As you finally grow a comfort in your seat, ignoring your growing dehydration and aching muscles, you may have spoke too soon when you felt the bus almost shake by how the one stranger slipped into the seat next to you with heavy momentum.
Glimpsing at the panting stranger, you shift your crossed legs to point towards the window. You don't see his face well enough, but you didn't show much care when you lay back into your seat. "Woah there, cowboy, we depart in twenty. You didn't have to rush and crash into this seat beside me."
"What?" He says, breathlessly. You can tell from the corner of your eye, he's giving you a questionable look. "It's supposed to depart at 10:30."
Snorting, you fix your posture. "Yeah, well, delays happen, big guy. It's going to be 11 now. Nice entrance."
As you peek at him, he don't miss the eyebrow he raises at you. Settling in nicely beside you, he holds out his hand in a polite manner. "Jungkook."
You glance at his hand and back at him, going back to leaning your head against the head support. "Hi."
"Ah," he takes his hand back after he notices you not taking it. "So you're going to make me ask you for your name?"
You arch an eyebrow at him. "I'm not making you do anything?"
"I introduced myself. It's a common courtesy to at least share a name back, but seeing that you didn't tell me your name, you're in turn ruining that common courtesy by having me ask you for your name."
"Or I'd rather keep my name to myself than reveal it to an utter stranger," you smile. "Nice try, but you haven't earned my trust enough to know my name."
He has a fixed gaze on you. "Did you want my life story in exchange?"
"That depends. How badly do you want to know my name?"
"Well," he lets out a dramatic sigh. "When I was little, my mom and dad got divorced and my mom married another man—"
"Hmm, see, " you cut him off. "I can't even trust that's a real story. Guess we're better off as strangers."
He chuckles as you close your eyes.
And that's how you shut him up from then, when the began to depart, and in the midst of just entering the freeway when you make the mistake of grabbing a small bag of pretzels from your backpack and sitting back to eat them in hopeful silence.
"Why are you heading to Brussels?" The stranger asks mid-crunch of your pretzel.
Your eyes widen slightly by the sudden question, before you're shrugging at him in response. "None of your business."
It would be easy to tell him that you're only there to catch a ferry, but along with that will follow up more questions— talking to him was draining enough.  
He lets out a light scoff. "A simple question."
"That's none of your business."
Jungkook cocks his head to the side as you're chewing on your pretzels. "Are you always this hard to crack?"
"Are you always this annoying?"
"Not really, but it's definitely getting a rise out of you."
"So I sit next to a dipshit named Jungkook who probably has daddy issues," you throw at him, referring to his previous said fact about him to exchange for your name. "Long hours ahead of us."
"And I, for one, intend to make the most out of it by trying to get to know you."
You snort, pulling out your earphones from your pocket, closing your eyes for the last time until the next stop. "Good luck."
Fortunately for you, when they flutter open, the bus had made a stop in the middle of a venue with greens and whites that catches your eye as you peer out the window. Making it quick, the bus driver announces for a 20 minute break parked in the Swiss Alps, instructing where the bathroom is and demonstrating a shop just in sight.
"Finally," you breathe in relief, feeling your dehydration grow with each second.
You ignore Jungkook and the fact that he was blocking you just slightly to take your break when you squeeze your way between him and the seat, making room for yourself between the people packing in the bus aisle to leave the bus as well.
The air was crisp and your breath was evident every time you exhaled, taking you aback by the wonders of the place around you. The skies were grey, but the massive trees and the sparkling fresh snow of the woods is what makes you wide-eyed.
And you think about how there are so many wonders in the world that your parents have not made you seen. Sure, you've visited Switzerland, but only for pure business. Never once were you told that you could explore and initiate that wanderlust that always grew inside of you when you're away from home.
Taking your boots and trudging through the snow, you follow the flock of people from the bus who are noticeably going inside one of the small wooden buildings or heading to where the restroom signs were.
Grabbing a water bottle along with a bag of chocolate-covered almonds, you're about to buy something with the cash you exchanged with Swiss Franc, when you tiredly see that the line was taking awhile. Letting out a yawn, you divert your attention out the window, only to see something interesting just nearby.
It was a cottage that looked completely different from the similar buildings like the store you're in. Squinting, your curiosity gets the best of you as you're trying to get a better look of it, noticing that there evident trails of moss on the roof, creating a rustic aura, as well as interesting charms being hung on the patio.
You wonder what's inside, completely enchanted by its appearance and its—
"What are you buying?" The voice of your familiar, annoying seat partner appears by your side, causing you to jump out of your thoughts and to scowl at his arrival.
"You don't ever know how to leave someone alone, huh?" You sarcastically grin to which he responds with a smirk, shaking his head.  
"Just you."
You give him a look before you're buying it. "Give me some space, Jungkook."
"I don't know if you're allowed to say my name when I don't know yours, gingercake."
You give him a fake smile before you were finally next in line and Jungkook seemingly follows you to the register. When you notice he's beside you empty-handed, you give him a pointed look. "You're not buying anything?"
"No," he replies. "I don't need anything."
"So, you're just here to annoy me then."
"Essentially," he laughs before he nods his head to a certain direction. "You noticed the cottage out there, too?"
"Quite creepy that you're watching me, don't you think?"
He shrugs. "Think of it what you will. But you didn't answer my question."
"I don't answer to strangers."
"But we're not," he says. "We're bus buddies."
"No," you cringe at the term he made for both of you as you grab the receipt and your snacks. "No, we're not."
Before he would say anything more, you make a hurried walk for the door, back turned to him.
"Oh, come on," he persists as he tries to walk beside you. "Is your name embarrassing, or something?"
"My name is none of your business."
"You're being so stubborn over a little thing. Are you like a wanted criminal? Is that why?"
You gasp dramatically as if he was correct. "Yes! Right on the nose!"
"Come on," he continues, knowing very well your sarcasm was not a pretty trait on you. "I'm not a snitch either way."
"No, but you do know how to get on my nerves."
"That hurts," he chuckles. "Come on, it's just a name—?"
You turn over to him in brooding irritation. "That you don't deserve to know, end of discussion. Jungkook, please, I am of little importance to you and you to me. Not knowing my name won't hurt you in the long run. So please, can I spend the rest of this bus ride without you bombarding me asking me what my name is?"
Jungkook looks at you before he puts his hands up in defeat. "Fine. But for the record, I have never met anyone so protective over something so little like their name."
"And I've never met someone so pushy, but here we are—" As you turn around, you notice that the bus was gone and your eyes widened.
"No, no, no," you mutter before you're sprinting towards the road and just there, the bus was moving further down the winding road, growing tinier within the second.
"Great! How absolutely peachy! We missed our bus!" You groan, removing your beanie from your head, exasperated. You turn over at Jungkook who just so happens to finally catch up to you, noticing the reason for your distress.
"It's fine, don't panic."
You turn over to face towards the standing dumbass with a baffled look. "We're in the middle of the fucking Swiss Alps, idiot! There is no service here. How the hell are we going to get to Brussels now?"
"Look, just calm down. Let's go inside and see if the cashier can help."
However, going into the store didn't help when the lady at the store didn't have any type of phone to help you contact anyone, nor was she interested in helping you both so she pointed you towards the cottage you happened to stare at earlier.
At first, you didn't oppose the idea, very curious as to what this cottage has to offer. And when you step onto the patio and a notice a wooden sign that says open, Jungkook is the first to turn the knob and take a step.
Remarkably, you're not walking in with fear, but you're walking in with a curious mind— and when you happen to step inside, you're not quite disappointed.
It was breathtaking— something you've never seen before. There were rows and rows of jars filled with herbs of sorts and odd colorful gems and crystals were displayed with the occasional plants that hung from the ceiling. A bucolic, yet eerie feeling was blossoming in your chest that you don't notice that you've walked farther in than Jungkook.
"Hello?" Jungkook calls aloud. You peer behind yourself, noticing his wandering eyes as you turn your head back front, focusing on the table with a crystal ball.
"Hello, is anyone here?" Jungkook tries again as you wonder where every single ancient thing came from before the sound of foot steps makes you pause, moving backwards to stand behind Jungkook.
"Visitors?" A voice of whom you'd assume belonged to a female spoke aloud in the unreal way possible.
As she makes an appearance coming out of one of the corridors, you notice that out gracefully comes a woman of red hair and piercing green eyes, lips decorated in berry and cheeks of a deep plum. Her clothing was almost a gypsy, but she wore a coat of fur over the gold jewelry she wore on her neck and hips.
"And what is this?" She brings a finger to her lips in utter astonishment and peculiarity, eyes narrowing to focus on you and Jungkook. "A wreath's bond?"
A what bond? You think.
Jungkook and you take a moment to glance at each other, exchanging odd looks before looking back at the woman who was shuffling towards the circular table with the crystal ball sitting in the center of it.
"Ah, you two don't know," she observes, laughing hysterically and taking a seat. You're confused, but there was an odd feeling in your stomach that seemed to give some sort of trust to her. "Come, you two. Sit. I have a feeling about you both."
"Actually," Jungkook begins, grabbing your wrist and preventing you from moving towards her. "We were told that you would know how to get to the nearest bus station."
Her head snaps up, and lets out a scoff. "By who?"
"Lady in the gift shop," you answer. "They had no phone, but she told us to come here."
"That damn grinch. Always tells visitors to come here when they need a phone or directions."
"Well, do you?" You ask politely.
"This is the Alps, honey-pie. There is no such thing as service here."
"Great, she sees you as food," Jungkook whispers quietly down to you. "She's going to eat us."
The joke that comes from Jungkook makes you nudge him with your elbow, releasing yourself from his grasp that you didn't realize was still there.
"Is there a bus stop nearby?" You try.
"Not nearby, but I can lead you to a village just an hour travel by walking... well, it's more of a ski resort, but surely there's people there willing to help."
"Where is it?"
She's silent before she's patting on the table, motioning you both to sit.
Jungkook and you hesitate, but you're the first to move, walking towards the lady who could easily kill you, but emanates curiosity that even you couldn't resist. Jungkook follows after you, sitting in the chair across from yours.
"Let me see your hands," she says, palms outwards, awaiting your hands. However, you were reluctant, looking up at Jungkook who was shaking his head discreetly. "Oh, I promise I won't bite. I'm Evanora, the friendly witch of the east."
"A witch?"
"That could explain the crystal ball," Jungkook nods, staring directly at the iridescent ball sitting on the table.
"What did you think I was?" She inquires, a berry-lipped smile on her face. "And the crystal ball is just for decoration. Now, hands. Give."
You, with a slight bit of reluctance, gives your hand to her, Jungkook following after you as the witch throws a smile, to which she closes her eyes and slightly squeezes.
You meet Jungkook's smile he was trying to prevent by the odd circumstance you both were in, you shrugging in uncertainty before Evanora opens her eyes.
She nods, pointing outside her window. "If you go down the trail, you will see cabins."
"Wait, that's it?" Pressing her, you were immediately concerned as to what she saw.
"What I saw," she pats your hand in an eerie manner. "Shouldn't be said."
You open your mouth, curious as to what on earth she could possibly have seen that's making her bite back a smile. Eyes peering over to Jungkook, you shake your head. "It doesn't matter anyways," you scrunch your eyebrows at her words. "Trail? What trail?"
"Packed up by snow. But if you follow the opening of those trees, you will find the village." She gives a smile before it immediately fades.
"What?" Jungkook presses, noticing her mood change.
"I must warn you, there are winter elves ahead."
"Elves," you blink.
"Like Santa's elves?"
"Winter elves," she nods. "Do not interact with them. They tend to distract you from your purpose. And they like to steal anything shiny."
"You can't be serious," you arch an eyebrow.
"You've met a witch. Is it really that hard to believe?" Evanora says as she stands. "Go, embark on your journey, but I will tell you this—"
Jungkook stands quite abruptly, seemingly ready to leave the cabin of Evanora's while you stand up slowly, awaiting for Evanora to finish. "Lose one another, you will lose the purpose."
"We won't lose each other," you promise.  
"I have a feeling that you may," she quietly says, but it was audible for you to hear. "And when you must, your wreath's bond will find you both again."
Scrunching your eyebrows together at the phrase, you're about to open your mouth to ask for explanation.
Immediately, the witch puts her finger up to silence you before she smirks. "The day you will see two of me is the same day you won't need me unless you say you do."
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The two of you searched for the opening of the immense and jaw-dropping trees before you, noticing the snow, as Evanora said, being packed up on a trail, however that didn't stop the two of you from walking down the trail.
When you first begin walking, Jungkook is quiet, knowing that you're in your thoughts. And he was right. The so-called witch made you more concerned, especially after she held your hands and said she couldn't say what she saw. You think of the bad things that she must've seen, ranging from a terrible accident or a betrayal or anything that would bring you in harms way.
"Come on, you actually believe she's an actual witch?" Jungkook asks all of a sudden. He must have noticed your brain turning in the silence. "She didn't give us the best directions. She told us to find a ski resort where someone can help us."
"The day you will see two of me is the same day you won't need me unless you say you do," you say aloud, slowly. "What does she mean?"
"Just a whole lot of mumbo jumbo to me," he postulates. "She was probably just saying shit out of her ass." When he sees that you've paused, Jungkook raises an eyebrow at you. "You're not telling me you actually believe in that nonsense?"
"I'm superstitious. I believe in ghosts, aliens, mermaids. A witch doesn't sound like nonsense."
Embarrassed wasn't the word you'd say you felt when Jungkook looks at you, flabbergasted after you decree that you believe in the supernatural. Maybe a tad bit awkward, but seeing that he lets out a chuckle, you purse your lips. "You've read Harry Potter, haven't you?"
"No. No, I haven't actually. I just believe in a little bit of magic, that's all."
"I still think the winter elves is a load of bullshit," he states. "Come on. Elves?"
"Yeah," you nod, semi-lying. "Yeah, I know."
From then on, it felt exhausting.
The continuous trudging in the snow with heavy boots felt overtiring, but determination was your factor that kept you persisting. You couldn't afford to miss a day— not when you didn't think of pulling out enough cash from the bank, so paying for a couple of nights at a motel in London will surely give your location away to your parents who are probably on a manhunt for you.
Just then, Jungkook, who was in front of you, stops.
It makes you bump into him, looking up from the white snow to give him a questioning look. Seeing that he points at something in front of him, you glance at the direction, noticing evident small houses that were seemingly built by branches scattered amongst the area.
"Is this it? Are these the winter elves we have to worry about? Oh man, I sure hope they don't eat my toes!" Jungkook howls, hands on his stomach as he pokes at one of the houses on a tree stump. "Oh no, I wonder if they're magical. Are they gonna freeze us to death?"
You stand up straight, rolling your eyes at him. "Pipe the fuck down, asshole," you scold him, punching his shoulder.
"Oh, come on, did you really believe there would be winter elves? Elves? Please, these are houses made out of branches that a hiker probably made—"
His words were muted out when your ears catching something similar to a musical pipe.
"Shh," you bring a finger to his mouth. "Do you hear that?"
Jungkook's words are mute with your finger pressed against his lips while your ears try to pick up what sounded more clearly like a faint flute folk song.
Scrunching his eyebrows, he brings a hand to your wrist, removing your hand from his lips and stares at you intently. Gazing up to him, you stand still when he comes near to you, bringing his previously muted lips to your ear.
"That's the wind," he whispers, causing you to exasperatingly sigh, lifting your hands to push him away as he cackles loudly that he was clenching his stomach once more.
Annoyed wasn't a term you'd settle with how you were feeling at the moment, but as you stand there, with arms crossed over your body, you wait for him to shut up. "For gods sake, come on."
Grabbing his arm, you continue to walk along the veiled trail, his laughter fading away after a long time, and once it did, your breath nearly stops when ahead you see a spread of lights.
"Is that it? The ski resort she was talking about?" Jungkook asks, panting as you shrug, continuing to walk as you saw people in layers walk around. You admire the colors they were wearing, some were neutrals, but some wore festive colors of red and green, gold and white.
"Come on, old man," you tell him as he was trailing further from you.
"Slow down a little bit, would you?" He calls for you as you throw a grin at him, turning back around to keep walking on the cobblestone sidewalk, mesmerized by the village.
After a few steps of being mesmerized of the things around you, you turn around, noticing that you weren't the only thing mesmerized by the things around you, but when you see Jungkook being swept away off his feet into what seems to be a pub by a strand of golden hair, you're once again, annoyed.
Pursing your lips, you let out a sigh and turn around, beginning to walk down the street, easily letting your contempt ease off your chest as you try to look for someone to help by yourself. You didn't even care if you were going to have to leave this ski resort by yourself, that was your whole purpose.
You walk further down, watching in awe as the people decorate their exteriors, putting up tinsel, lights and garlands, those carrying a fresh tree into their homes, and those carrying stacks of presents, curious at how festive the place was being.
Stopping in front of a store, you stare from the outside, admiring the exterior before your eyes narrow, attempting to peek inside the store.
First, you see a spectrum of colors of what your eyes focused to be wrapping paper of different designs and patterns galore. You think it's a gift store, but then, you observe that there are people in rows, wrapping boxes in a quick and swift motion. At first, you're marveling at how fast they're wrapping, tying it all off with a bow on top and tossing it in a pile of other finished presents before you're thinking they resemble something so familiar that—
You're distracted.
Realizing this, you tear your eyes away from the store, continuing to walk, searching for someone who was not tending to decorating or not busy in this ski resort to help you, only when you reach a revelation.
This was no ski resort— at least one without a ski left. And as if Evanora's raspy voice was echoing in your ear, you realize the mistake that you and Jungkook made; you separated.
It is with no hesitation that you're walking with a brisk pace, others on the street looking up at the foreigner walking towards the pub in such a hurry.
You pull on the door, a bell indicating that customer walked in, eyes searching for the person you were warned not to split from, implicitly ignoring that others were looking at you with a strange curiosity.
Walking inside and letting the door shut behind you, your eyes graze upon the small pub before they stop to the familiar raven-haired boy talking to the blonde in which her pernicious coquetry was evident even from afar.
You're about to grab Jungkook from his arm in attempt to drag him away, but you stop when you see that the blonde seductively takes a finger to his neck, tracing a line down his throat to hook her finger along the silver chain that was tucked under his shirt.
Nearly vomiting whatever was in your stomach at the sight in front of you, you crinkle your nose in utter remorse when Jungkook looks at her up and down, a smirk on his face.
The sight merely makes you leave the pub, until you turn around adamantly, only to remember what Evanora was saying— they tend to distract you from your purpose.
Groaning distinctly, you whip towards the idiot and the seducing winter elf, clearing your throat at the two who were sharing a laugh together.
"Oh, hey," Jungkook looks up at you briefly before looking back at the blonde. "There you are. Where were you?"
"Can I grab you for a second?" You say oddly sweetly, feigning the blonde a friendly smile lifted by your cheeks in which she returns one politely before going back to drinking from her cup. Without even hearing Jungkook try to object, you grab his arm hastily and take him outside.
Jungkook stumbles over his feet for a moment before the crisp winter air hits both of your faces on impact. "Woah there, gingercake. What's going on?" Even with a tug, it doesn't loosen your grip from his arm as you try to drag him away from the pub as fast as possible.
"We're leaving," you utter, but hearing that, Jungkook immediately stops, your turn to be the one stumbling.
Turning around with a huff, you give him a scowl, letting your hand that was digging into his arm go. He opens his mouth, his narrow eyes questioning your motive. "Why?"
"Jungkook, just listen to me."
He crosses his arms across his chest, a smug painting his features. "What if I don't want to?"
You half-heartedly scoff at him, shrugging. "Fine, then stay. I couldn't care less."
He opens his mouth to say something, but even when he could even process words to elicit, you're already turning around again, eyes focusing on the horizon that's being set as your only goal and focus. As you walk ahead with persistence, you curse in your head for even being kind enough to get him out a situation that could easily have him stripped.  
"Hey, woah," Jungkook jogs up to reach in front of you. Stopping to raise an eyebrow at him, you observe him as he gives you an uncertain look. "Is that jealousy in your voice?"
"How rich," you scoff. "Jungkook, I am anything but jealous right now, and you're really testing me." Moving around him, you continuing to walk before he stops you again, looking around to find a gap between stores, pulling you to the side from the strangers who were walking past you both.
"You are!" He exclaims once he successfully pulls you away.
"Jungkook," you exasperate, before lowering your voice. "This is not the ski resort. This is the village Evanora warned us about."
"What?"
"You were flirting with a winter elf, idiot," you whisper loudly. "This is not a ski resort, it's a village of winter elves."
Jungkook half-heartedly laughs, shaking his head. When he sees that your face was anything but amused, his face morphs into confusion. "No, there's no such thing as—"
Rolling your eyes, you shut him up by moving closer to him, eyes not tearing away from his when you bring your finger to his neck, which ultimately makes him freeze at your sudden movements. As you're tracing down his throat, you don't think of anything more as you yank down the collar of his shirt, only to reveal what you originally suspected.
"Where's your necklace, Jungkook?" You ponder, your eyes never leaving his. Jungkook hesitates before he removes his eyes from yours and looks down, your hand not leaving its current state and exposing his bare, pale chest.
He inhales sharply before you finally let your hand go, waiting for his eyes to meet yours again. You take a step back, crossing your arms with slight arrogance as you offer an amused smile.
"She was trying to seduce you, Jungkook," you state. "So she could steal. She obviously did a good job when she made you forget your purpose and stole your necklace."
"For fuck's sake," Jungkook curses, running a hand through his hair. You were close to tell him 'I told you so', but you refrain when he takes your wrist and drags you out of the opening. "Let's go."
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The scenery was beautiful, with the green hues that contrasted with the white that was almost so bright it blinded you, but with the little bit of sun that peeked from the clouds, you couldn't help but get distracted with everything around you.
It almost makes you feel like you don't have a crazy dad or an insane mother that expect you to be home in perfect condition just to sell you off to someone you don't know.
You must have been mindlessly walking and trudging in the snow with your boots nearly weighing you down because just when you bump into something, you're about to curse at yourself for being stupid to walk into a tree. That is, until you realize it wasn't a tree, it was Jungkook's form, who had idiotically taken a halt that caused you to bump into him.
"Jungkook—"
"Look," he cuts you off. Peering over his shoulder, your reaction had shifted from annoyance to awe when you notice that the evergreens weren't the only wonder.
Walking down to the ski resort was just over a hill, trudging over inches of snow and having to make sure not to fall face forward. Jungkook eventually sees a bit of struggle coming from you— to which, in your defense, he has an advantage due to his elongated legs— and reaches out to your for support. However, your adamancy slaps his hand away, continuing to walk over the hill to see more of the lights that contrasted the nearing night sky.
"Hey, question," he inquires aloud once the snow had reached scarce and just ahead were the many wooden buildings with warm lights.
Nodding, you spare him a glance, breathing almost heavy as you both continue to walk. "Shoot."
"Don't you think you could've stopped her when she was stealing my necklace?"
Jungkook reaches to your side as you both reach the icy street where people were bundled in clothes. What reassured you were the group of people walking down the street across from you, carrying their snowboarding gear inside a building, their laughter echoing down the streets.
Without pondering, you shrug. "I wasn't the one flirting with her."
"I'm going to ignore your raging jealousy here and ask you one more time—"
"Jungkook, I wasn't the idiot who easily got distracted and forgot what Evanora said," you cut him off. "She said that, lose each other you lose your purpose— and while you were being whisked away by some winter elf, I was trying to find someone to help us. It's not jealousy, it's called not being stupid."
"Great," he exhales deeply. You don't miss the stress that elicited along with it, you cocking your head to the side in sudden curiosity.
"Why? Was it important?"
He waves you off. "It was just a family necklace, that's all."
"A family necklace," you repeat, before scrunching your eyebrows. "Sounds pretty important to me."
"Doesn't matter anymore," he shakes his head as you both continue to walk down the village. "It's gone now."
Feeling a tad bit sympathetic, you reach up to him, matching his pace. "This," you say as you pull out your hand from your pocket. "This was handed to me by my mother which was given by her mother and by her mother and by her mother."
He peers down at your frozen hands, eyeing the ring. "What does the leaf mean?"
You don't tell him that the leaf meant growth.
In your mother's line of successful women, the ring was always passed down so long as there would be potential demonstrated. Your grandmother, being a former model, and your mother, having to be a broadway musical star, you were seen to have potential to be an heiress of the company your father runs— but it's too bad you distasted such high expectations. Hell, you were even willing to have the elves steal this rather Jungkook's necklace when all you're doing is creating a ruination in your line of successful women.
"It's alright," Jungkook says, shaking his head after noticing your reluctance. "You won't tell me your name, I can't expect you to tell me the meaning of your family ring."
At first, you're taken aback at how easy that was for him to say that, especially after trying to have you choke out your name. You stare, flabbergasted but almost grateful he didn't try to push this time.
"The necklace was given to me by my uncle from my mother's side," Jungkook explains nonchalantly as you both unconsciously walk towards the line of cabins that most likely held travelers. "Said he'd give it to his son if it weren't for the fact that his wife can only reproduce daughters."
Snorting, you quirk a smile at him. "How many daughters does he have?"
"Five," he chuckles. "All of who are very, very annoying."
"Why's that?"
"Annoying in a way that they're disgustingly successful," he says. "Runs in the blood except for mine."
To that, you let out a snigger. "I can definitely relate to that."
"What's this?" He laughs. "We're actually having a decent conversation?"
Rolling your eyes, you give him a nudge, shaking your head.
And oddly enough, for once the silence when both of your laughter dies isn't awkward— it's not tension nor is it uncomfortable. It's almost pleasant.
Jungkook, silently, looks at you in a peculiar fond way that makes you slow down your pace a bit. Your insides twist and turn in your stomach at the way he just stares at you without so much of a word— as if he's either judging you or he's admiring you, in which you're hoping deep down it's the former.
You're exhaling a shuddering breath when you desperately decide to ruin the moment, taking one of your hands out of your pocket at pointing at one of the cabins. "Over there," you declare, cheeks beginning to redden. "Let's try over there."
And you do not miss a second to speed up your pace, careful on the slippery street not to slip, hearing Jungkook walking behind you.
When you finally reach to a random cabin with a car parked outside, you're silently hoping that they would answer the door to two strangers.
And with each second passed and your hopes were falling, you hear the door unlatch, your ears perking at the sound when the door opens. A man, wearing a red plaid flannel and a black beanie opens it with a confused look.
"Hello?" He asks and your eyes light up.
"Hi!" You cheerily state, relieved that someone was even willing to open the door. "Sorry to be such a bother, but we're stranded and we were hoping if you knew where the nearest bus station is?"
The stranger nods with a warm smile. "It's down the hill, actually. Quite a trip on foot."
"Is it?" Jungkook asks. "Are there any taxis or maybe Ubers that you know of that's available here?"
The stranger shakes his head. "Nope, but I'd be gladly to drop you guys off there."
"Wait, really?" You ask in surprise, looking at Jungkook with excited eyes. "That'd be really great!"
"Of course," he gleams. "I'm assuming you both need to get to your families for Christmas."
Jungkook and you exchange glances. "Something like that."
"I'll let my wife know and grab the keys."
"Thank you!" You call out, the door being left a crack open as you turn over with Jungkook with excitement. You're nearly about to squeal when Jungkook gives this uncertain look that throws your whole excitement out the window. "Alright, what's in your panties that got you in a twist?"  
"You really trust this guy?"
Your expression falls, shrugging. "He's got a car— unless you want to walk another who-knows miles on foot by yourself?"
"We can't trust everyone we meet, you know."
Ironic he said that. Your expressions falls as you narrow your eyes. "Says the one who trusted a winter elf."
Sure, pettiness could be drawn from tHe opens his mouth to make a riposte, but the stranger comes back with his keys and a coat over his shoulders.
"I'm Seokjin, by the way," he introduces himself as he unlocks the car, both you and Jungkook sitting the backseat. He turns the engine on, immediately turning on the heater that felt like cold air at first.
When he backs up out of the snow without the problem of getting stuck, you feel your body at ease as you finally realize that your plan was setting back on track.
Seokjin speaks up, apparently disliking the silence that you both elicited. "How did you guys get stranded?"
"Our bus left without us," you tell him. "It was his fault."
Jungkook gapes at your accusation. "Oh, nice, we're pointing fingers now?"
Couldn't help but laugh in return, you counterfeit a smile. "Can't deny it."
"You know, for a person to look so nice," Jungkook tilts his head to the side. "You're an absolute pain."
"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee," you send a wink his way, immediately frowning afterwards. "Piss off, Jungkook."
"Love to, gingercake, but looks like we're stuck with each other for—"
And just then, Jungkook's voice trails off by the sonorous jolly laugh that comes from the man  in the front seat. You turn your attention to him, wondering why on earth he would be laughing. "Sorry. You both remind me of my wife and I."
"What?" Jungkook and you say in unison.
"We used to banter like that a lot."
To that, you snort. "Banter is an understatement. Can't help it when he's a walking idiot."
"And she's a headache in human form," Jungkook pipes in, to which you glare in return.
"Well, my wife used to call me dick for brains," he adds, a jolly chuckle following after as he reminisces his memory lane. "But, I guess I must have warmed up to her if she somehow let dick for brains marry her."
"Yeah, well, she's much more stubborn and colder than that. I don't even know her name."
"You don't?" His eyes peer in the rearview mirror to give us a glance.
"We just met. And besides," you reason, shifting uncomfortably in the seat. "It's not important."
It really wasn't. Your name isn't really your identity when all you think about when you hear it is high expectations. If you let your name be known, everyone is bound to find out who you are and eventually— with word getting around— your mother will find out where you are running away to.
Sure, you could make up a fake name, but you'd be creating bridges even after this trip you know you're going to have to burn them.
He chuckles. "I remember my wife being that stubborn. She really wanted me to give up on her."
"I'm guessing you didn't," you observe.
"She was worth all the constant banters, I'll tell you that," he shakes his head. "Once, she didn't want to admit she was sorry for keeping us a secret from her friends and family. It took her three months of guilt to finally say sorry."
"Three months?" Jungkook ponders. Seokjin nods behind the wheel.  
"It took her time to tell her friends and family about us, but she eventually apologized."
"She must have been scared to want to hide it from them."
The idiot next to you snorts. "Or embarrassed."
"Scared," he answers. "Which is why I forgave her the day I found out about it."
"And you let her feel guilty for three months?"
"I knew she was sorry from the beginning. I just didn't think that the most adamant person in the world would even think of apologizing to me," he chuckles. "But hey, eventually she did."  
To that, Jungkook lets out a chuckle before he's making a trip around the roundabout, making a stop in front of a wide building.
"Here's your stop," he says, putting the car in park. "You two have a nice Christmas, alright?"
You smile at him. "You and your wife as well. Thank you again for helping us."
He shoots you a smile just before you close the car door. "Anytime."
When you hurry inside the bus station, you totally forget about the time until you see it on the massive clock built in the station, and you sincerely hope that the next bus ride to Brussels would be in the next 2 hours. Luckily, as you and Jungkook stood in line for awhile, you both get a ticket for the next bus to your destination which comes in the next twenty minutes.
And as you're trying to forage for remaining cash, you realize that you were short. Jungkook must have noticed this when he coolly steps up and gives his cash, paying for his and your ticket. You look at him, surprised, when they give two tickets to him.
"You didn't need to do that," you utter to him as he gives your ticket.
He shoots you a winning smile, a wink following after. "All you have to say is thank you."
The entire trip of having to hike down the woods was more exhausting than the plane ride to Milan that you couldn't help yourself when you fall asleep on the bus ride. Jungkook must have knocked out too when you wake up in the middle of a bus stop, head on his shoulder.
You think of the possible reason as to why he would be going to Brussels. After all, this whole trip was of him trying to ask questions of you, not the other way around. And it's not like you weren't interested— it wasn't your priority to get to know someone you won't end up knowing in the next week anyways.
Because like everything in the world, not everything is permanent.
You let your head fall onto his shoulder once more, basking in the comfort that will only last for so long.
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Getting off the bus at your desired location, you both realize that it reached dusk, the sun had made its set and the night has become dark. It made a stop just nearby a grand area of colorful lights that intrigued you from afar.
You turn around to face Jungkook who stretches as he hops off the bus. Shooting tired smile your way, you decide to give one back.
"Do you want to go see what's over there?" You ask him, nodding your head towards the place that caught your attention.
His eyes flicker from what you were indicating to yours, a mischievous look painting over his former tired one before he angles his arm, in which you gladly take as you both make way to the bright, shining lights before you.
It doesn't take you long to realize that it's some sort of Christmas Market, as advertised by some of the posters that you saw on the way to the big area.
There were chatters and squeals and Christmas songs galore and despite the weather being cold and brisk, you felt warm.
Saying that there were colorful lights would be an understatement, when really, the Christmas Market looked like an utter theme park within itself. The tall, elongated buildings were decorated from head to toe and even the gazebos that gave shelter to those selling— it was all breathtaking.
It must have taken Jungkook's breath away too when you catch him eye goggling at the many fascinating attractions around him.
"So," you begin, ready to take your first bite from your waffle that Jungkook bought for you after he saw you eyeing it from afar. "Why did you want to come to Brussels?"
The questions surprises him, but his answer was responded with ease. "To start anew."
"Does it have to do with the whole success-running-in-family's-blood-besides-yours thing?"
"You could see it that way," he chuckles. "Or simply because life as it is now for me isn't exciting."
You give him a look, lowering your waffle. "You sound discontent."
"And you sound like you know exactly what I'm talking about."
Chuckling, you shrug. "Well, I'll just say that my trip isn't so much of a nice vacation."
"Hm, you sound tired of the life you have."
"Sounds like you know exactly what I'm talking about."
And with that, both of your words are left in the air as you both are walking down, side by side, down the streets of the brightly lit Christmas market, being thousands of miles away from home.
In your own thoughts, you think about the what if's. What if you didn't hear your parents talk about an arranged marriage for you? What if you actually were forced into it like everything you've ever done in your life? What if you're walking down the aisle to meet a man you haven't even said one word to? What if you end up not loving him?
This wasn't any type of romantic story where two strangers eventually fall in love through force, this is was an ending to your own story. Realistically, there's a chance that the person you're going to marry isn't the prince charming or the knight in shining armor that anyone would expect.
And there goes your life.
Gone and wasted, and not being able to give it a second chance.
However, you weren't letting that happen now— not at this moment in time.
"Do you think that such high expectations can be overbearing?" You ponder out loud, glancing at Jungkook who was a bit startled by your sudden question.
"A lot of the times," he responds. "Why? What type of high expectations are you being held to?"
"Doing something that I don't want to do," you state honestly. "That's why I came all the way here."
"Avoiding it?"
"You could see it that way."
"Can't avoid it forever," Jungkook says. Can't avoid it forever.
You don't think you've ever seen a light show— or at least not one against a building that brings people's jaws to the ground, so when you're watching it, you're absolutely mesmerized.
The lights were dancing and moving in a fluid motion, you were marveling each second of it.
There's a feeling in your chest. So bright and so merry, you finally understand why almost everyone loves Christmas. With your family either being busy during the holidays, you never realized that this is what you're supposed to feel like. Light and finally content.  
Gleaming up at Jungkook, you only smile wider when you realize you caught his eyes. "What is it?"
There was this ghost of a smile on his face that he hides. "Nothing."
You give him a nudge, smugly grinning at him. "It's a simple question."
When he hears you repeat his statement in target to him, he gives this smirk— and for once you're not looking away in irritation or giving him some snarky comment back because when his eyes flicker to your lips and back to your eyes, you knew what was bound to happen.
And you were inevitably going to let it.
Jungkook, with gentle hands, brings you to him, pressing his warm lips onto yours and it is as if you felt your entire body just melt. You move softly against his lips, savoring every bit, but your lips were not helping themselves when they curl into a smile.
He is warm. Like a mug filled with hot chocolate, he is a fireplace on a Christmas eve, and admittedly, you've never been this warm in the cold.
When he lets go, he's looking at you with eyes shaped as crescents. "You trust me enough to kiss you but not know your name?"
To that, you let out a joyous laugh, reaching up on your tip-toes to kiss his cheek. "I'll have you know that revealing your name is dangerous."
Jungkook scoffs, dropping his hands from your cheeks. "How dangerous could yours be?"
You bit back a smile at his subtle frustration, grabbing his falling hands and holding them in yours. "Very."
And all throughout the night, it was filled with cheer and excitement as Jungkook and you strolled around in the everlasting lights. Free samples and attractions at its finest, you both spent your time together forgetting you two had lives you're running away from.
And until your legs couldn't hold you up much longer, you had to go find a nearby motel for the night, forgetting that you had to leave early in the morning for a ferry.
Jungkook and you fought for paying for the room, but Jungkook, being charming in a revolting way, inevitably wins and chooses a room where you both end up with a fireplace and a king bed together.
Just before your eyes were closing, time spent with him was filled with giggles and laughter in the air. He tells you about this one story of how, one Christmas, he thought he saw Santa Clause, but it just his dad's friend dressed in a suit trying to climb chimney for his sake. The story makes you laugh, and though almost unbelievable, it makes you flutter your eyes close, reaching a deep sleep that you desperately needed.
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That morning, you feel like a child on Christmas morning— even when Christmas isn't for the next week. You felt excitement twist in turn as curiosity has gotten the best of you that all you wanted to do was run downstairs and open the presents that Santa brought.
However, the feeling was fleeting— because even children soon realize that Santa isn't real. And that breaking feeling was because of reality that waves over you as your eyes fixate on the sun that peeked through the window.
Waking up to Jungkook next to you, lightly snoring, makes you feel all sorts of butterflies— something you haven't felt in such a long while. You feel almost giddy, knowing that there's someone there and it just happened to be him, but of course, you knew it wasn't going to last long.
Not wanting to leave without goodbye, you bring your hand to his arm, giving him a little shake as you wake him up. A smile creeping on your face as he groggily awakes, squinting at your active presence.
"Hey," you say quietly. "I have to go."
Go was what made him sit up in bed quickly. "What?" He asks, voice raspy.
"I have a ferry to catch," you say as he rubs his eyes. "I wasn't going to stay in Belgium."
"You weren't?" He frowns. "Where are you heading?"
"London," you reply and you watch as his tired face falls, sitting up straight. "It was nice. You know, meeting you and all."
He smirks at you. "The feeling's mutual."
To that, you smile. "Well," you shrug, leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek. It was the least you could do. "Merry Christmas, Jungkook."
"Wait!" He pulls your arm back when you pull away. Raising an eyebrow at him, he looks at you with hopeful eyes. "Not even a name?"
You think you'd owe him a name, but you shake your head. "Maybe the next time I see you," you bit back a smile. "But, no worries, I won't forget yours."
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When you get to Hana's place in London, you're glad that you made it just in time before she left for Amsterdam. You were also glad that your duffel bag and backpack that were stranded in the bus that left without you was brought to Hana's after you filed a claim for your missing belongings at the bus station.
Hana welcomed you with an embrace, bombarding you with questions that you didn't have time to answer because she had to leave that night, but she made sure she had enough time to catch up with you. You don't tell her about the colossal, mad adventure you had with Jungkook and how he lingers in your thoughts, but instead you tell her about the good things you expect to happen in your time in London.
And before she left to the airport, she gives you a hug, wishing you all the best luck for the holiday season in exploring a city you haven't been to. While you had the house to yourself for less than 24 hours, you realized that all good things come to end.
Especially when you answer the door and your mother is on the other side, hands on her hips.
You completely froze seeing upon her arrival. "Mom, what are you... what are you doing here?"
Without a word, she barges in, sitting on the orange sofa that Hana owns, crossing a leg over her other as she looks at you with darting eyes. "You think I don't remember Hana moving to London? I knew after you took that trip to Greece that you would make a spontaneous trip to London knowing that Hana lives here, but I didn't expect it this soon— oh." Your mother points at you. "—You are something else."
Being yelled at by your own mother felt like a chore, so you calmly close the front door she walked through, walking over to her. "Mom, I don't want to get married."
Her eyebrows furrow together. "___."
"Look, I'm an adult. Most moms want you to focus on finishing college and being able to make a living for yourself, but no, my mom wants me to focus on being presentable— not to mention that she wants to give me away so quickly! And it's not even with a person I love."
"___—"
You shake your head, cutting her off. "You are not making me go back there and marry someone I don't know."
"Sweetheart," she begins before she stands up, searching for your eyes. "You ran all the way here just because you didn't want to get married?"
"I ran all the way here to live, Mom. I wanted to live and experience life without having to worry about what the media has to think about me. Or having to put on a fake smile knowing that I'm a CEO's daughter and the heiress and that if I mess up, that's on me."
Your mother frowns, but you can only shrug in response. "For once, I just wanted to live. Is that so bad?"  
Finally, you give her her turn. You hear her sigh, almost disappointingly, but if a little disappointment is what will give you what you need, then you can live with it. "Darling, I think then this is a good time to tell you."
"Tell me what?"
She lets out another sigh. "You're not really getting married."
You blink. "What?"
"You must have overheard your father and I when he were talking with Mr. Jeon, but we didn't want to tell you when we first arranged it."
"Why not?"
"Because you're not actually getting married," she enunciates. "You're having a wedding to look like you're married, but you don't have to go through with it."
You open your mouth in confusion, but immediately close it when your mother continues.
"In order for your father to establish this business proposal with Arua&Co., the CEO's grandfather needs the approval. By doing that, he needs a traditional reason as to have two major companies combine rather than a very good proposal, and that solution is a wedding."
"But, how—"
"Our loophole is that he specifically said he wanted a wedding, not a marriage— not to have both of our kids actually marry each other. So, if you're dressing up and looking as if you're getting married, you don't have to go through saying 'I do' if you don't want to."
"So you're not really giving my life to someone I don't know."
"That's sick," she full-heartedly scoffs. "I may expect a lot from you, ___, but this is just the one thing we really need you to do. After that day, you're still single as you want to be."  
"Really?"
"Yes, and..." Her voice trails off as you cock your head to the side. "I wanted to tell you this, but because you ran away so soon..." She pauses before she looks at you with a motherly gaze, one that you haven't seen in a long time. "I know that your father and I have a lot of expectations from you, but I know you're an adult. And you need to live your life." You felt your stomach clench. "If you want your freedom, I'll give it to you."
Your jaw nearly falls but she puts her finger up quickly. "With certain restrictions!"
"That's fine— anything!" Nearly squealing, your eyes widen with happiness. "You really mean that?"
"Yes, I'm tired of having to be dreaded by you— my own flesh and blood," your mother laughs. "So, you don't have to come to any of the events we go on. But you will go to the ones we need you to be there for. And you can leave without being monitored, just— shoot me a text from now on. I'm going to get a heart attack the next time you decide to go halfway across the country without letting me know," she says begrudgingly that you couldn't help but give her hug.  
A hug that was genuine. A hug that you haven't given her in a long time.
"Really?" You ask, voice muffled in the hug.
"Really. Merry Christmas, honey," she promises, basking into the hug. "Now, can we go home? After you shower? You smell the bus."
To that, you lightly chuckle, nodding. "Right, but— can I do one more thing?" You ask, pulling away to give her a sheepish look. "Can we go to Switzerland real fast?"
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It was a long story of how he managed to be back here, but long story short, Jungkook is one day in Brussels having beer, and now his two best friends are helping him put on a suit.
"I told you running away from your problems is never a good idea," Namjoon says as tends to the cuffs of Jungkook's scarlet velvet suit. Namjoon, the always practical one, was not helping his dread at all on this day.
Jungkook, groaning, looks at himself in the mirror, never thinking that this is how he would be spending his Christmas eve. "I don't want to be here."
"Well, you are and you're going to marry the girl, whether you like it or not," Hoseok asserts, flipping carelessly through his magazine of interior design.
"Thanks," Jungkook says with a hint of sarcasm.
Namjoon chuckles. "You're gonna wanna say I do anyways. I just met her and she's actually really cool."
"It's just... weird. I've never met her in my life and now I'll be spending the rest of it with her," Jungkook states and immediately he thinks of you— the stubborn girl he doesn't know the name and now he's probably never going to find her and actually know her name. Not when he's going to be all over the media platforms after this wedding and you to find out that he's actually an heir to Arua&Co. and married to some girl who probably isn't as adamant, or pretty, or curious as you.
Namjoon shrugs. "Yeah, well. You'll form a bond somehow."
Jungkook looks up from his suit after hearing a bond. Mind immediately tracing back to what the witch— if she even is one— Evanora said: a wreath's bond.
It doesn't take long before Jungkook raises an eyebrow, recalling the moment of when he sat down at the table across from the stranger and next to the witch, stating some sort of phrase— a riddle.
"The day you will see two of me is the same day you won't need me unless you say you do— it's today," Jungkook speaks.
"Aw, shit. Great," Namjoon announces, letting go of Jungkook's cuff and tending to his own collar. "Jungkook's been in Europe too long he's saying some whack ass shit."
Hoseok chuckles, continuing to flip through his magazine. "I'm telling you, bro, Switzerland is fucking crazy."
"No, you guys. Two of me— she meant the rings— the wedding rings. You do— she meant saying I do. It's a wedding day. She must be here."  
"What," the man who finally looks up at his magazine cocks his head to the side. "Now you solve random riddles? What did they feed you in Brussels?"
Jungkook, without so little of a hesitation, gets out of the groom's room of the venue, running down the hallway to the grand venue of the warehouse of where the lights are all around, there are mistletoe hung, and all sorts of greens bringing color to the room. But what he was searching for was the most vibrant of it all— only to realize that he sees anyone but you.
And to himself, he scoffs, thinking of how foolish he could have been to actually believe a witch who possibly could not have been one in the first place.
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The dress you wear is lace, from your sleeves to your shoulders. Usually, you'd complain about wearing sleeves on a wedding dress— hell, you'd complain about every little thing that isn't much an inconvenience just to piss your parents off for having a bratty daughter. From the wedding dress, to wedding makeup, to the bouquet, to the food— everything will seem just wrong to you— but having that certainty and approval to say no doesn't make you peep one dreadful word.
Admittedly, you liked the idea of having this wedding. It was like a trial run— and you didn't have to oblige to any commitment.
Your mother walks in on you as you had just put on a dress, hair curled, and light makeup— your mother looks at you so lovingly.
"You picked this dress out, huh?" You ask her and she scoffs.
"Only the best for my daughter," she smirks as she walks over to give you a hug. She wore a deep green dress paired with a fur shawl. "You look beautiful. Even if you're not actually getting married today."
To that, you laugh, shaking your head. "If I have to be a runaway bride, might as well look good doing it."
"That's the spirit," your mother smiles, taking one more look at you. "Are you alright?"
"Just preparing how to dramatically say I don't," you joke, earning a mood lightener in the air. "Is the wedding starting?"
Your mother nods. "Your father is waiting for you outside. Whenever you're ready."
It feels odd, truthfully. About to go marry someone you haven't even properly been introduced to yet, but you try not to think about it— because after all, you don't have to go through with it.  
As your arm is interlocked with your father's and you were holding red roses and ferns, you couldn't help but think that this was some sort of fairytale, only for one that you were going to run away from anyways. You think of this just as your father would— solely just business.
As you hear the wedding song play in the audible warehouse, you take a deep breath, your father, giving you a reassuring smile before he starts to take his steps.
Do brides normally feel queasy? No, what were you thinking— you're not actually a bride, and you're not actually going to be married.
Your reassurance in your head makes you feel calm until you're stopping at a spot from across the aisle, where everyone had stood from their seats, countless pairs of eyes staring at you, and only you. Time had froze, but that's not what's making you freeze altogether.
Because standing on the other aisle is Jungkook, the boy from the bus, the boy who went to Brussels who wanted to start anew, the boy who was so curious as to what your name was, the boy—
He was the boy he made you warm in the coldest of nights.
"You alright?" Your father whispers to you, snapping you out of your trance you realized you were in.
"Yes," you answer, eyes not tearing away from Jungkook's.
The person in the velvet suit, waiting for you is just as much in a shock as you are, eyes almost wide, and a look that almost seems like he's relieved to see you. As if he had found oxygen again.
From finally standing in front of him, to staring at him with surprised looks on your faces while the ceremony was taking place, to the very end, you had so many questions and had so many things to say, but couldn't. Instead, you stare at him, thinking what you could possibly say to him to be in this crazy coincidence.
"Do you, Jeon Jungkook, take ___ as your loving wife?"
"I do," he says, his eyebrows scrunching as that was his first time hearing your name. You almost want to snort out loud at how peculiar it is to first hear someone you've been dying to know's name at an alter— standing in front of you. And just immediately, it shakes you because just before, you were thinking of the many ways of how to say you don't, you're actually thinking of saying I do.
"Do you, ___, take Jeon Jungkook as your loving husband?"
The question, that you were so prepared to either say I don't or to runaway dramatically, was left in the air, as you pause. In that moment, you couldn't help but look at the crowd, expecting an answer that was almost obvious— but when looking at your mother for reassurance, she gives you this look and a shrug.
Only if you want to.
Eyes meeting back to Jungkook's chocolate ones, you take a deep breath.
"I do."
"Then Jungkook, you may now kiss the bride."
And there's this big grin you couldn't hide when you notice his little smug look before he's leaning in, recreating the night of when the lights were shining so bright and when just a single kiss could warm you up.
"___," he breathes your name out as if it were fresh air once he releases you from the kiss. "Not as dangerous as I thought."
You scoff, a smile growing. "Just you wait."
He gives you one more look before he kisses you once more, lifting you up from the ground. This time you kiss him harder, confused, yet grateful that this is how you two would meet again— right under your noses.
When he sets you down gently as a feather, he gives you one more look before you slowly both turn over to the crowd who were muted by the moment you had with Jungkook. There was clapping and there was screaming— and you don't even realize that Hyunjung crashes into you with the biggest hug.
"I'm sorry! I tried my best to divert your mom when she asked me if you were in London!" She says, nearly taking your life away as she squeezes you.
"It's fine, Hyunjung— just let me go," you beg, attempting to push her away. As she finally lets go, she gives you look from your eyes to the bottom of your dress.
"I didn't think you'd go through with it," she says, eyes almost tearing up. Rolling your eyes at her, you notice that your mother is walking up beside the nearly crying Hyunjung, an eyebrow raised.
"Neither did I," your mother intervenes. "Is it because he's good looking that you decided to say yes?"
Turning your head to look over at Jungkook who was being hugged and patted down by his groomsmen, you look back to your mother, a big smile painting your features.
"No, actually," you begin. "We know each other."
Your mother is surprised by your answer. "You do?"
"Yes," you smile, looking over at Jungkook. You don't tell her that he was the person who you were stuck with the whole day— the person who made you believe that you could actually live.
"I guess it all works out in the end, doesn't it?" Hearing your mother say that to Hyunjung, you smile to yourself before you're approaching Jungkook who had been waiting for you, and probably has been for awhile.
"I knew you'd be here."
"Really now?" You challenge.
"The day you see two of me is the day same day you say you do," he fluidly states causing you to open your moth amusedly. "A wedding day."
"So, you believe in witches now?"
"Not witches. But maybe just a little bit of magic," he laughs, before he grabs at your waist smoothly, guiding you down the aisle in which you both walk down it, the many people clapping for the newlyweds.
Once he reaches the end where the photographer was snapping pictures, he lets one hand rest at your waist and the other to cup your cheek. He's close, so tremendously close, that his lips only graze yours.
"___," he breathes out with a smirk. "I'm never going to stop saying your name."
And when he kisses you, you feel warm all over again.
761 notes · View notes
jjpmoans · 5 years ago
Text
Plane Ride [M]
Here it is, the one you guys have been waiting for!
Character: Jinyoung x female oc
Genre: Smut
Warning : Plane sex, filthy talk.
Word counts : 3034 words
A/N: This piece is my first got7 and jinyoung smut. It has been revised and commented by my senior authors. I thank you guys for correcting me and gave me support to write it down. 
Special thanks to : @prettywordsyouleft @itsallabigmess @jj-nyoung @fairygyeom @ahgase55g7 @riceeater22 
Also, sorry for posting this later than I promised. My battery was out so I couldn’t post it. Anyways, enjoy!
Sequel : Drips [M] 
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I stir awake at the light coming from my right side, bugging my sleep. The whole cabin is dark except for his reading light. I stretch my arms, the male next to me realising that I'm awake.
"Hungry?" He asks as I land my sleepy eyes on him. I shake my head subtly and scan him. He has a book in his hand and his reading glasses on so he probably has difficulties to sleep. It's not an uncommon thing for Jinyoung. Being on tour a lot messes with his body clock so even if he wants to sleep, sometimes his body refuses.
"How many hours have we been flying?" I wince at my hoarse voice, my throat dried after sleeping for a few hours. "Three."
I give him a disapproving look. Three hours into flying and he still can't sleep?
"Why?" He knows what I refer to. It's the reason why he brings me on this tour. To make sure he gets enough rest and do something to make him feel tired and sleep. Sometimes Jinyoung got a sugar rush out of nowhere, probably infected by the maknaes and I had a very hard time trying to keep him on his toes.
He stares at me for a while before sighing. "I don't feel tired yet. What am I gonna do?" He pouts. God, big baby. But both of us know that he cannot sleep without being tired. It's like, his switch off button has been programmed with tired in it.
I stare at the flight ceiling, looking for things to do. Jinyoung on the other hand, settles to read again, knowing that I need time to think about what would make tire him on a flight. We are flying in a business class to Berlin, seated in pairs, separated from the others. It’s not like I can ask him to workout on the plane's floor.
Workout.
I tear my gaze from the ceiling, giving Jinyoung a look. He doesn't feel it, because he's immersed in reading. I bit my lower lip, I must be insane.
I shake my head, trying to get the idea out of my brain. But my eyes land on the walls separating us from other passengers and I sigh again. I try to land my eyes somewhere other than the wall but they reach my legs, which shows the spacious legroom around our seats.
Damn it.
I watch Jinyoung still immersed in his reading but my lower body is having an intense battle with my sanity. I have nowhere to stare now that I'm watching him reading by the window, in his glasses, looking hot and irresistible.
Fuck my sanity.
I remove my blanket and Jinyoung immediately drifts his attention to me, seeing that I'm getting up.
"Baby- oofff" his arms wraps around my waist when I slip into his space and climb myself on his lap, facing him. Amusement is totally written everywhere on his face, he rakes my flushed face and my thighs on either side of his laps and my core presses against his groin.
"Really?" He asks a little bit too amused. "What are you doing baby?" He runs his fingers along my curves and lets his hands sit on the curve of my ass.
I have my hand on his chest, hoping that he won't ask more questions. Me climbing on him is a giga action to show my clear intention. But of course, as a vocal person, he needs his girlfriend to talk in order for him to understand what is happening.
"We need to get you tired." I mutter, eyes everywhere but on him. He puts his book aside and takes off his glasses, smile too wide to be called a smile.
He rubs his temple, still amused that I climbed his lap in a flight where even a flight attendant can catch us. "Is this a kink you just developed? Having sex on a plane? Do you have a sex bucket list or what?"
"But we need to get you tired." I reason.
"By having sex?" I nod firmly. A laugh escapes from him, though he must say, it is an effective way to get him tired. "You are crazy." He leans forward to catch my lips, molding them with his own, sucking my breath out. I can feel him smiling against my lips, feeling giddy that I initiate the sex first. I run my nails, scratching his clothed chest as he roams his hand on my back. A few minutes of kissing to mask out growing desire, I feel myself grinding to his hard on.
Following me, his tongue licks my upper lip and I know he won't back out now. He sucks my lower lip, teeth nibbling while his hand runs along my ass. His hands feels hot against me but the beating of my heart is insane as I lay out different scene to be caught by others. He grabs a handful of my flesh and immediately groans against our lip-lock, slapping the cheeks in response. It's getting overwhelming. We haven't had sex since the tour started and now the feeling is too unbearable. I can feel his crotch gradually hardening beneath me as he squeezes my clothed ass repeatedly, earning a low moan from me.
Jinyoung stills at the sound of my moan, pulling away. I blink innocently as he stops abruptly, confused. He extends his arm to dim his reading light to the lowest, tapping my ass while he's dimming it.
"Take off your jeans." He mutters. I scramble to stand, taking off my jeans and underwear and discard it on my seat. Jinyoung on the other hand, unbuttoned his own, kicking it hurriedly before pulling me to sit on him again, both of us groaning at the lack of layers contact.
Jinyoung is breathing heavily as my bare pussy is pressed directly to his clothed member, the feeling of it completely messes his brain to keep quiet from moaning out loud.
He yanks me closer, tongue licking my exposed neck. I sigh loudly as he starts sucking on my collarbones, having a feeling that the love bite would be too obvious to be hidden. My breath hitches as Jinyoung's hand leaves my back, coming to the front to palm my breasts. The second his palms brush my nipples, I shiver in pure pleasure.
He stops marking when he feels my nipples perking at his touch, face appearing from my collarbone. "Why aren't you wearing your bra?"
He stares darkly, while his hand moves. He flicks them, toying while he takes them in his hand, squeezing it with a force, showing me how much he loves my breasts.
Oh he does. His actions leave me gasping as he twirls my nipples slowly in between his thumb and index finger. His eyes darken, waiting for my response. "I take it off before I sleep. It gets stuffy and you know I don't sleep with a bra," I gulp, answering him timidly. I'm not lying. But Jinyoung is possessive and he would flip a table if he knows I'm not wearing a bra in public.
"Oh god..." I slap my mouth as Jinyoung pinches the taut nipple, my core dripping with excitement. Jinyoung looks down, watching his boxer get stained by my juices.
"You like it that much?" He asks. "Look at your pussy." He taps on my clit to test while I jerk in surprise.
"Sensitive." He moves to unbutton my dress shirt which I stole from his wardrobe and reveals my bare body to his eyes. I'm sitting on him, shirt unbuttoned, resting next to my exposed breasts and my pussy continuously drips with juices as he scrutinizes me under his gaze.
I shut my eyes, not wanting to see his lustful gaze because I don't want to cum just by that.
For half a second, Jinyoung does nothing but stare but as I open my mouth to speak, I let out loud moan, my eyes shot open.
"Quiet, my love." He smiles cunningly, plunging two fingers in and out of my wet pussy. I arch my back, his fingers alone hitting spots inside me and when he pulls out, scraping my walls deliciously with his nails. He latches his mouth to my breast, sticking his tongue out to lick my areola teasingly.
"How am I doing baby?" I am breathless when he speaks, his lips still against my nipple. He sucks on it, tongue flicking my abused nipple and his teeth join by teething it like a baby.
"Oh god Jinyoung." He hums, moving to my other breast to do the same. "I'm your god huh?" I nod blindly, he can be my god. I'd worship him all my life. "So so gooddd," I moan.
"Ohhhh," I shudder, Jinyoung is adding his third finger inside me and it's getting so full down there. "Jinyoung. Don't stop. Please" I cry as my arms wrap around his neck, holding it dearly.
Occasional gasps start leaving my throat, getting louder each second. Jinyoung, having too much fun watching me spilling juices over his clothed dick, thrusts in faster and joins his thumb in the act.
I let out a long moan, Jinyoung's thumb flicking on my clit and I cannot stop but moaning. My hole clenches and unclenches around his fingers, the friction making it even more delicious as he pulls back and thrusts in. In a few seconds, I am a moaning mess and Jinyoung has his palm against my mouth to keep me quiet, but I take that as a leverage for me to moan louder.
Jinyoung's fingering is getting too much to handle, the squelching sound of my pussy is obviously audible to my ears. Jinyoung, sensing that I'm near when my walls grip his fingers tightly, holds my waist to support me.
"You need to cum, baby?" My toes are curling from the intensity of his fingering, yet I know he won't let me cum if I don't answer. I nod hurriedly, the pleasure building with every second.
"You sure?" I look directly into his eyes as his pupils are dilated from the excitement, darkening with lusts. "Yes, Jinyoung." I breathe. I feel my pussy sucking him in, getting ready for my orgasm to hit me.
"Yes. Yes. YES jinyoung," I mutter unconsciously, eyes closed.
Jinyoung stares darkly, his thumb still rubbing on my clit as I repeat his name, like a mantra.
"Jinyoung..Jinyoung...Jinyoung--" I moan loudly as it crashes upon me, toes curling and my body jerks in Jinyoung's hold. My walls throb deliciously around him as he continues to finger fuck me to ride out my orgasm. While my vision is white and my pussy is pounding loudly in my ears, I feel Jinyoung slipping his fingers out, knowing my oversensitive pussy.
Jinyoung waits for me to calm down from my high, his calloused hands palm my ass cheeks to soothe me down. When I finally has my vision, Jinyoung is staring down at my pussy, making a mess on his boxer. Not that he is complaining, his member is standing straight in his boxer, coated with my juice on top of the thin barrier.
"Wanna ride me, baby?" His voice makes my pussy clench with need, itching to be filled with his girth.
"Please."
Jinyoung slides his boxer down, his cock springing against his abs and showing how hard he has been from the start. Veins appear along his length and precum leaks from his bulbous head
"Can I go down-"
"No can do baby- ahhh." He moans when my hand reaches for his length. "Careful." He warns. "No. I might cum if you blow me."
My eyes shine immediately, which Jinyoung notices and glares down. He knows how I love to tease him but he has done a lot for my orgasm, the least I can do is to give him what he wants.
I raise myself, kneeling over Jinyoung's lap. Jinyoung hisses as my fingertips drag along his cock, positioning him at my hole.
He pulls me down slowly, entering my wet pussy with ease. When my heat hugs him tightly, he lets out a low growl, thrusting upward to feel more. Feeling needy and impatient, Jinyoung pulls me down abruptly. I yelp when my clit comes in contact with the base of his big cock, my jaw hangs open.
Jinyoung drops his head to my shoulder, breathing heavily. He is really really close to cumming. The feeling of my walls hugging his cock snugly is insane and he needs to start moving before he cums right there.
"Move, love." I clench my pussy, dragging my walls up his length. When only his tip remains inside me, I slam myself down, both Jinyoung and I moan from my action.
Gradually, I pick up my pace, riding Jinyoung up and down, the amazing feeling of his cock hitting every spot inside me sending chills to my spine. As I'm lost in my pleasure, I gasp as Jinyoung gets a hold of my ass cheeks and starts slamming me down to match his pace.
"You need to ride me hard, baby." He grunts impatiently. Every time I come down, he would twerk my ass around his cock before pulling me up again.
"Ooohhh, Jinyoung..." I squeeze my breasts, the tingling feeling is all over my body. Jinyoung's pace makes me bounce on his dick like a slut, my breasts jiggling with him.
"You look so beautiful." My wall clenches at his praise. "Being fucked like this."
Jinyoung grits his teeth, the throbbing of my wall is sending him to cloud nine. "You like that?" He breathe. "You like riding my cock on a plane?"
I whimper as his pace becomes unbearable and only get to nod at his dirty talk. "You'd like it if Jaebum hyung walk on us and see you bouncing on my cock yeah?"
He grunts again as my walls respond by constricting his meat. He is having difficulties to thrust when I distract him by clamping his cock tightly.
In a swift action, he swaps our position, my back lands on the leather seat and Jinyoung caged me effectively on both sides.
"You feel so good." He pounds into me, making me moan loudly before realising that people can definitely hear us. Jinyoung blindly picks up a small pillow and I press my face on it, moans spilling while Jinyoung rams his length in and out.
"I'm gonna fuck you until you're full of my cum." He whispers. I choke on my breath but he just laughs, his hands hooking my legs to give him more power to pound into my pussy mercilessly.
"You want people to hear us?"
"Gonna fuck your tight pussy until you scream so loud that our manager needs to check on you."
"And you're gonna be a good little girl, lying to him as I fuck you." He is growing more and more passionate to fuck me, the seat moving a little with his thrust.
"So," he grunts. "Fucking," I whimper at his speed, my orgasm is building for the second time. "Good."
"Does your little hole feel good baby?" Jinyoung, always greedy for compliment.
"Yes, Jinyoung. Yes, yes-- godd Jinyoung YES!" I shout into the pillow. Jinyoung is hitting the same delicious spot with every thrust and my legs are shaking with pleasure.
"Jinyoung!" I gasp. My orgasm is building and Jinyoung feels it too. He groans in pleasure as he feels my pussy become tighter with every thrust.
"Cum baby. Cum all over my cock." He reaches for my clit, rubbing it to aid me. "Cum like a good girl and then I'll fill you up until you're so full just from my cum."
I jerk underneath him, clamping his cock hard which makes him groan and I feel a spurt of cum spray inside me. Growing impatient, he decides that he needs to cum too, ramming his hard length inside at an inhumane speed. His cock rubs my clit repeatedly, overstimulating me in the process.
"Jinyoung!"
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck," he curses. His hips snap deliciously against my sensitive pussy and he moans, coming to a still with his cum spraying my inner walls. He jerks forward as my pussy clenches him, squeezing the last drop of his cum inside me.
Taking his breath, I reach over to move his hair out of his face, his forehead sweaty after doing a lot of workout. He smiles, presses a kiss to my forehead and sweeps me up, his length pressing deeper inside me which instantaneously makes both of us groan.
Turning around so he can sit in his seat again, I struggle to get off him, but he ignores me and pulls a blanket over my body, effectively hiding our connected part and my lower body. He buttons up my shirt, leaving the first three undone before patting his chest for me to rest.
"Let's stay like this. You're so warm and I like being inside you." He insists.
"You're mushy." I laugh. Jinyoung on the other hand, reaches for his reading light and turns it off.
"Come on baby. Let's cuddle and sleep." I snuggle to his chest, drowsiness starting to fill me.
I am already drifting to sleep when Jinyoung's phone vibrates in return, both of us startled at the incoming message. But Jinyoung palms my hair, gesturing me to continue sleeping as he reads the text.
Jaebum :
Do I have to remind you that this is a public flight and why the fuck do you guys think it's okay to moan loudly? How am I gonna take care of my problem?
Jinyoung grins. Of course Jaebum would hear them. His reading light was on too.
Jinyoung :
Next time, bring your girl on a tour and fuck on a plane.  It's awesome hyung. Gotta do it again.
Jaebum :
You little piece of shit.
Satisfied riling his hyung up, he locks his phone, he shifts me to sit properly and checks that the blanket covers me entirely before closing his eyes, arms wrapped around my figure.
In his mind, he crosses out one of his bucket list.
Plane sex ✔
______________________________
[ Writings ]
Sequel : Drips [M]
All rights reserved © jinyoungmoans
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murlinxmaverick · 4 years ago
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Max-Q
This is the start. We just made a decision that we must keep. I cant remember exactly what it was but I thought out the whole idea and it was beautiful, sexy, spontaneous, and all that great stuff. But its gone. I cant remember it any more so this is my attempt to remebering it as it was in that moment of escapism. This blog is for you. This is the start of becoming the person you are today, a letter from your past self. I’m making changes to this shit life. I started writing this thing like 6 days ago or something and I cant remember wtf I wanted to say. We had a revelation of what the future can bring if you just put everything into it. I want to break the boundaries and go above the limits of this shit life. 
user912968235, you are no longer bounded to your role. You are free to do anything. lets go to the fucking stars because we are literally ripping the mental shackles off. i can actually feel pain in my arms as im writing this. its probably from the way I’m sitting but I will not let the irony just slip by like so many other opportunities have. And right now what we need to focus on is the shit memory we have, or maybe by now, I have. I want this life to be writn by your hand and not the hand of an other. take control of this narrative, write a fucking campaign like some mad scientist on shrums. Lets fuck shit up. Lets find the love of our life. lets build a home where everyone wants to be, a place where people come and ask to stay. never turning down those you love. family, friends and just great people. 
Lets stay humble and work hard every moment we get. but also take breaks and let loose when the time is right. dont be lazy. because you had loads of time and youve wasted so much of it. But we are at a critical point, Max-Q aint no joke, we can really fuck it up here. We must start to plan out our future. I’m talking self image, ladies and career. we are starting at rock bottem because thats where i am. but not for long. this starship is not going to stay grounded for long. (starshitp just crashed) I’m talking werried i know. i must think about what I say before saying, my instinctive verbal responses are never wha people want to hear, lets start thinking. I have some serioius mental issues and the mind is so powerful. It should be functioning at max capacity, or else whats the point. i need to send this bitch to the garage because its not working right. Im going insane. like you cant stay focused on one thing and because of that you cant remember shit. like wtf dude, just slow down and live in the moment. remember to acknowledge yourself and the little victories. You hear this all the time and its kinda true. buit the difference is no one has your life and no one will ever have your life so no one can tell you what is right. you must decide. i must decide. and i have. i have decided to be an artist, a scientist, a pornstar, and teacher, a great son, a great brother, a great friend to those who are great. Im tired of esisting, i want to live. 
Lets do a recap: 2020 has been shit. I cannot remember shit because most of it you would rather forget. For instance, all the masterbation, the porn watching. you do it too much for not to be part of your income. Be a journalist for playboy or something. like please, get something out of looking at these computer ladies all the time. Diahann got away. that fucking sucked. We tought about contacting Erika, just get her to be a voice actress in you movie. that is your oplan on getting her back. uhm what else. look at how low dropping out of college is on this thing. why? like I really dont care, do I? so yeah we got to get back to that and finish. because we need to be done with it. just make sure to keep practicing and well finish. You did! Music still isnt a big part of our life. the world is at your fingertips and all you can seem to view is shit like google, and social media. this year youve gotten closest to drawing by searching things that influence you. We are going to sell advertisments. but we must build outr protfolio. you Just made the email adress today. that had to have been the easiest and hardest step you have taken. (the first little acievement acknowledged) What else... IDK whatever. time to focus on the future. 
So the plan is to not put somuch pressure on yourself, time to give yourself less to think about. stay busy. dont let anytime go to waste and use it on fewer things. or more things, idk , you dont do much as of right now. But yes. the remainder of 2020 will be used to plan for the future, we want hot chicks lots of money and true happiness in our future. lets get organized and lets change it up. i want three comics done, wake up being the focus, then that adult comic you have in mind with the black market and buying a girl. idk some crazy shit. just do it. let your demons free. think of the craziest shit and hide it in plain sight. fix your car and make it worth driving. because its kinda shit. focus your story to being about reusing. education, and storage. Maximize your brain and push it to its limits. do let the time slip. Time slippage is damaging your tools to grow. Plan on remembering more information. read. write. film. photograph, invest. do it. you cant continue like this. Plan like you are the person you want to be and you will becomethat person. And most importantly, you must reflect, that is the most important part rightnow. Work on a play. Make it powerful. that can be a form of reflection. but make sure you are planning a future that you want. you cannot be successful if you do not.
The girl: this is probably the biggest part to you rightnow. she is going to be everything you want. and you must be everything she wants. so think along those lines and do what you need to do make that happen. she going to be beautiful and you are going to keep being reminded everytime you look at her, and she will know by the way you look at her, wha you say and what you do. fuck her till she cant form sentences. Be that guy, thats who i want to be. i wnat small tits. please. you know!
And take it one step at a time. just try to be productive with your time. Keep learning. today Diana thanked me for opening up to her because when she asked how i was feeling i replied with” stressed horny tired and depressed” instead of the usual “ok” and she really liked that. i need to be better at talking to her but also choose your words wisely, she loves to talk. I dont trust her to keep a secret. that might be a friendship thats worth keeping though, i think her and Nani will get along. 
i am broken in so many ways. and a lot of is is simply neglect. pay attention to it all and fix it. start exposing yourself the be best and become the best. Train the brain everymoment you get. because right now its starting to feel like a burden. like your thoughts are holding you back, but instead they are whats propelling you forward. i am proud of who i am regardless of my past mistakes. Keep yout back straight and head up. 
Ihate doing something and it not being perfect. that is what is keeping me from doing anything, and now i have done nothing. i need to react to not doing something perfect differnetly then i have because i cant keep doing the same things, its whats keeping me back. you are gemini. what ever the fuck that means. if you need someone to hold you accountable, then stream your shit and act like someone is always watching you. Do porn. (<jesus fuck im funy) .
that brings me to the topic of astrology. i am going to study this shit like its some kind of science and im going to use this knowledge to fuck hot women. i swear its going to be a mind fuck of total satisfaction. yes. 
This is going nowhere at this point. back to future me. Adopt a kid and mold that mother fucker into a fucking jem. and be the kind of guy he will always look up to and he will become someone you look up to. acknowledge his ideas as an equal. and get strong. we gotta be able to protect them from anything. 
gotta look good too, start buying like you know who you are. you are everyone and everything is going this way for a reason. i wnat to be responsable and i need to look the part.
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fashiontrendin-blog · 6 years ago
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Taking Hormones and Teaching My Body a New Language at 29
https://fashion-trendin.com/taking-hormones-and-teaching-my-body-a-new-language-at-29/
Taking Hormones and Teaching My Body a New Language at 29
I
’m 29 years old and going through puberty. My goatee is humble but hopeful. A few days ago, I got carded trying to buy a lighter (which means they thought I was younger than 18). But I’m also an heir to genetics that had my parents completely silver-haired by age 40. So, while I have a pubescent mustache, I also have half-gray, long wavy locks that make me look like a late-20s Poseidon. If this feels like a riddle, apologies. A lot of my life has felt that way, so you can deal for a little bit.
I am sitting in the doctor’s office on the exam chair with my feet dangling freely. This obviously makes me think that it doesn’t matter how big or grown or serious a person might be: If they sit in a place where their feet don’t touch the floor, they look absolutely adorable. There are no exceptions to this rule: Football players, supermodels, soldiers, reverends, rappers, I don’t care. Adorable.
I sit up straight when I see the nurse approaching and the big piece of parchment paper on the exam chair crunches underneath me. Her scrubs are eggplant purple. There are tiny daisies on her shirt. A small silver cross dangles from her neck when she leans forward. I list these small, uncomplicated facts in my own head. They calm me somehow.
For the last two months, a nurse has stuck a needle in my thigh every two weeks to inject an amber syrup that soaks into my muscle then spreads. This little liquid dose of testosterone is teaching my body a new language so that it can finally tell my story. A less poetic breakdown: I am a trans-man, a FTM (female-to-male) transgender guy, at the very beginning of my physical transition.
This little liquid dose of testosterone is teaching my body a new language so that it can finally tell my story
On this particular day, two months after starting on hormones, I am supposed to give myself the shot for the first time. My nurses know that I do not want to stick a needle in my thigh because when they told me I should, I said, “Hell no I am not going to do that.” I am not stressed because of the pain. I don’t care about that. But I am incredibly squeamish: I don’t like the concept of flesh when I really think about it so piercing a huge chunk of it with a sharp metal tool makes the back of my throat itch. But I can’t go to the doctor every two weeks for the rest of my life. So from this day forward, I will do this for myself and by myself. I have to be my own nurse now.
At my last appointment, the nurse told me to practice the injection on an orange. This made me uncomfortable, picturing the amount of force sticking a needle in an orange would take. I told my friend this story and he said, “No offense, I don’t think your quads are as tough as an orange.” I was indeed slightly offended, which confused me.
Today, my nurse finishes laying out the syringes and says “Okay! It’s time! Let’s do this!” When someone is chipper while you’re distressed, it can really go either way. I decide to let this go toward the “finding comfort and inspiration in your optimism” direction. I pull down my pants, proud of my underwear selection (purple with gold triangles), and the nurse uses two index fingers to demonstrate the motion of cleaning the surface: concentric circles out and away.
The nurse asks me questions to keep my mind occupied, but I am in one of those places where a simple question from a low-investment audience still sends me into an existential spinout. I know it is just social protocol, simple space-filler fluff, but “How are you doing?” is actually a really intense question to me right now. I just say to her, “I am excited and impatient and emotionally it feels like I have to pee all the time.” She smiles but I don’t think she gets it.
The nurse hands me the syringe and she gives me a half-supportive, half-“get over it,” half-smile with a half-raised eyebrow. Everything about sticking this inch-long needle into my own thigh is counter-intuitive. Everything about what it will do for me is essential. I shake my head no, but my hand is in cahoots with my heart and stabs my leg gently. (Update: It does not feel like an orange, more like a pear.) I pull back the handle of the syringe, then push the liquid in. I pull the needle out. I feel no different.
Today I told my doctor: Let’s up the ante, rev the engine, get this show on the road! I’m talking more milligrams, baby. Hit me! She blinked slowly at me and said, “You can’t rush this. Flooding your system with testosterone will not make your body instantly match how you feel. Puberty isn’t a two-month process. Neither is this.”
I try to stop myself but still, I have to ask: “Okay I hear you, but how long are we talking until I have a full beard?”
She half smiles and says, “Think about it this way. High school boys have the most testosterone of anyone on the planet and it still takes years for most to grow a full beard.”
No matter what dose, I never get to be a high school boy. No matter how quickly I physically transition and move forward into myself, I can’t go back in time.
I feel more of a pinch from these words than the needle in my thigh. No matter what dose, I never get to be a high school boy. No matter how quickly I physically transition and move forward into myself, I can’t go back in time. I don’t get to re-do my first puberty. And while the pubescent experience is a weird thing to long for, and being jealous of the 15-year old boys I see on the train is a strange thing to feel as an adult, it’s all real. These things just remind me of what I don’t get to be.
I won’t get to be a young boy, a dumb boy, a heartthrob boy, a varsity running back boy, an artsy boy, a mysterious boy, or the rabbi’s hot son, boy. I will have to make do with my real puberty now, at age almost 30, bracing for acne, proudly sporting a goatee that looks drawn on with a pencil, and already so horny I spent my subway ride home the other day picturing making love to the (quite stunning) 60-year old woman across from me on the 3 train.
My doctor told me to settle in for a long road. I said, “Fine, whatever.” Because it’s true: What change can be so instant? (Except the terrific and tectonic shift from alive to dead, capable of being catastrophically quick. Besides that, what transformation can we really rush?) We’re not fucking muffins. We cannot use the heat to make the leap from batter that can be poured and molded to something solid, of substance, that teeth can sink into, all within minutes.
This is magic, but it is not a trick. I am the rabbit and the hat.
I call my mother to tell her I gave myself the shot today. She genuinely celebrates my accomplishment, but she has a kidney stone so I don’t know which pain her voice is wearing.
A few weeks ago, she told me she doesn’t know if she will be able to call me her son. I said, “Okay, I don’t care, just don’t call me your daughter.”
She said, “So what do I call you?”
I asked her why we are so concerned with what we are called. I guess the thinking is: If we are not called something, then how do we know we exist? If the idea of us does not find itself in the bed of another’s brain, to later rise and get dressed in that name, how do we know who we are?
I am practicing dressing myself in my own name.
My mother said she feels every single thing I feel. I told her that sounds exhausting and insane and she sighed. “So, what do I call you? Not my child, because you are grown. Not my baby, even though you are my baby. How about my bunny? Or just, my T.”
I told her, “Yeah, just tell people, ‘this is my T Bunny,’ that will really clear things up for them.”
I tell my mother she has to call me “he” even if it takes work. I tell my mother I will call her and I don’t. I tell my mother they call me a monster and she roars. I tell her they call me a freak and she cries. I tell my mother I am here, no matter what sounds we wrap around me, no matter what body I hang out in. I am here, now more than ever.
T. Wise is a writer, comedian, and lyricist. Follow him @thatlittleboyblue and visit thatboyblue.com for upcoming shows.
Photo via Getty Images. 
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