#they both deserve time to hash out their individual issues

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These Days

Inspired by both my utter salt for the current brother-brother dynamics in canon, and the song These Days by the Black Keys.

Previous part, first part, and AO3 version of the series.

Chapter summary:

The youngest child is always the last. The last to learn things, the last to grow up, and the last to find their place in life.

That should not include being the last to be respected, or heard, or loved.

——————————————————————

Part Four.

Mikey’s throat burns, itchy and hot. Or maybe that’s his head. Or maybe it’s just both of them at the same time.

His fingers tap restlessly against the wooden counter, his feet starting to jitter too. He’s supposed to be listening to someone else, but right now all he can hear are echoes and memories knocking around his head that just won’t stop.

He swallows thick and bitterly, and tastes his own anger. It’s like bile on his tongue and he hates it just as much as he hates the scenes playing through his head.

Raph’s hands, Leo’s words, vice versa and combined, and Donnie’s listlessness, the blank way he’s always opting out, always drifting away just when Mikey needs him most, and he hates those things so much, but he also hates how Donnie does that because he can’t handle what’s been said and done to him, and how Mikey’s sometimes the cause of him doing that he’s not blameless and how it all still hurts, all those things, and they’re both so fucked up and it’s not fair because they left they left and this shouldn’t be bothering Mikey anymore-

“Michelangelo?”

Leatherhead’s gravelly voice snaps Mikey out of his spiraling, infuriating thoughts, and he blinks back to where he’s supposed to be

They’re in Murakami’s shop. Leatherhead carefully squeezed into the room to lean halfway onto the counter, enjoying soup and sushi as he visits with a fellow old man and the rest of them. Mondo darting around behind the counter with Murakami, dressed in his apron and cooking clothes specially fitted for him, showing off what the old chef has been teaching him the last few months. Mikey sitting at the counter, spacing out and building up stupid, pointless anger that he should’ve just left ignored.

All of them are staring at him.

Mikey violently shoves away his anger, and gives them an innocent look. “Sorry! Yikes, I totally zonked out,” Mikey says, wincing comically as he rubs the back of his neck. “What’d I miss again?”

Leatherhead gives him a measured look, and replies, “We were just wondering if you would also like to try Mondo’s new dish.” He gestures one large hand at Mondo, who’s holding up a bowl of soup from the pot he and Murakami have been attending to this whole time. “I’ve had a sip, and it’s very good. I highly recommend it.”

“Is something troubling you, Michelangelo?” Murakami asks, turning his head towards Mikey, and it feels like the older human is staring at him despite having no sight. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight, most uncharacteristic of you.”

That’s right. Murakami is right; it is out of character for Mikey to be quiet around people. He just can’t shut up, ever, because he’ll run his stupid little mouth until his voice is hoarse or someone shuts him up by force. Raph had done that, usually. Whenever he got sick of Mikey’s words, sick of Mikey’s opinions, sick of Mikey-

“I’m a little tired, I guess,” Mikey says with a shrug, keeping his swells of anger well and hidden. No one needs to hear those things. They’re… not him, not okay to show to people.

Anger is gross. It hurts people and it hurts for Mikey to have. Better he just never show it at all.

Leatherhead’s hand on his shell is welcomed, because it gives Mikey something to focus on that’s not his own stupid, stupid emotions. “If you are too tired to stay out much later, we can leave,” Leatherhead offers with a rumble. “You are going through a very trying time, Michelangelo. We won’t ask you to push yourself unnecessarily.”

The obvious and warm comfort leatherhead is extending to Mikey gives him the strength to push down the anger, to shove it far far far down where it can’t touch him anymore or poison his thoughts. And he smiles for his friend. “Nah, I’m good,” Mikey says, normal and bright again. “It’s actually ‘cause I’m so craving some of that soup there, so gimme gimme, Mondo!”

Mondo beams, and brings over the bowl and platter to Mikey. “I’ve been workin’ on the recipe for weeks, bro,” Mondo says proudly, squaring his small shoulders and presenting the dish. His thick tail waves happily behind him as he does. “Mr. Murakami’s been great about it, too. I didn’t even know about half the ingredients he showed me!”

“That is because they are spices, and most Americans do not seem to know about those things,” Murakami says with a laugh.

Mikey grins, and takes the hot bowl of soup off the platter to sip from it. Spoons are kind of useless for him pretty often, because most ones are so teeny tiny in his hands and never manage to hold all the food he needs them to and hey, maybe there really was something  to his brothers always saying he has a big mouth.

The soup burns his tongue a bit. Mikey swallows it anyways, because it burns less than the resurging anger in him.

But if he doesn’t acknowledge it, doesn’t speak it, it’s not actually there. And he’s sticking to that.

“Delicious, more please!” Mikey exclaims, holding the empty bowl out to Mondo. He hadn’t even tasted it, really. He’s not tasting much of anything right now.

Mondo beams again with all his little white teeth, and rushes off to fill up Mikey’s bowl. At least Mikey’s friend is happy, even though he doesn’t have parents either. They’d tossed him out the moment he’d shown his mutated face, and Mikey… still feels kinda bad for the guy. Sure Mondo’s got the Mutanimals, and Leatherhead is an A++ old man to chill with, but… it ain’t anything close to having a mom or dad. Mikey doesn’t know how Mondo could lose that and keep going-

Oh wait.

Yeah he does.

For a moment, grief overtakes the anger, and Mikey swims in his rush of sheer loss.

His dad, tall and forever untouchable, always there always strong always watching- unbeatable. Except no he wasn’t. He got killed, same as anyone else could, and he wasn’t actually always there, wasn’t always watching, wasn’t always… his dad.

His dad had been more so his Sensei, and Mikey had never been his favorite student. Ever.

Well, there goes his grief, and in its place-

Hello, anger, Mikey thinks dark and bitterly, long time no see.

And he swallows it all back down again, and does his best to ignore and pretend and space out in the right way that’s expected of him. He plays at being the Mikey he’s supposed to be- bright, cheerful, silly, perfectly happy all the time- and doesn’t let slip again for the rest of the night.

He hates being angry, and he hates showing it even more. Especially to his friends. They don’t deserve that, not when they’ve stayed with him the whole while since he and Donnie broke up their family. Anger hurts people, and Mikey doesn’t want to hurt any of his friends. At all.

But maybe he doesn’t hide it as well as he thought- which is weird, because none of his brothers have ever noticed- and Leatherhead stops him as they part for the night.

“If you will not talk to me about what’s troubling you,” Leatherhead says, keeping his voice low enough the still talking Mondo and Murakami can’t hear. “Then please talk to Donatello, at least. Your brother will listen, Michelangelo. It’s what family is for.”

A momentary, and very inappropriate, bubble of laughter tries to escape Mikey. Yeah, right. When did any of his brothers listen to him?

Donnie does, has been, he’s trying, Mikey reminds himself forcefully. Donnie is trying, and it’s just Mikey’s who’s not speaking about some of his crappy thoughts.

Maybe he should try talking about the anger, just a little.

“I… guess,” Mikey says finally, awkwardly skirting having to outright admit he’s got something bothering him. “I dunno. If Donnie’s up for it? Maybe.”

Leatherhead gives him a great big hug, just for that, and Mikey tries to hold onto the affection of that gesture rather than the squirming emotions in his chest.

Mikey exchanges fist bumps with Mondo and Murakami before he goes, and he grins like he doesn’t have weird exhaustion and aches tugging at his body. He heads back to the station, following the new paths he’s been familiarizing himself with for quickest travel from their new home. It’s late in the night, nearing morning, and even though Mikey doesn’t really want to…

He’ll give talking a shot. He’s talked about other hard stuff, mostly with Leatherhead, so how much harder could this topic be? Never mind that he hates even thinking about it, right down into his bones, and never mind that he doesn’t think Donnie even knows how angry Mikey can get.

Never mind all that; they’re on a fresh start, a blank slate, a brand new adventure where it’s just them and they actually talk instead of poking and snapping all the time.

Mikey brings up his confidence with shaky force- it’s getting harder to do that lately and he has no idea why- and ducks into his new home to share something with his brother. Something he’s been ignoring and hiding and pretending doesn’t exist at all for a long, long time.

The smell of alcohol hits him immediately.

And then he finds his brother. And Casey.

And Mikey can’t compute the situation he’s seeing before him.

And then the anger comes back, bright and hateful, and Mikey barely, just barely bites it all down into submission again.

Donnie brought Casey into their home, without telling Mikey. He got drunk and then passed out with their friend, the one night Mikey was really going to talk to him. He trashed their living room that Mikey helped build with him, like it didn’t mean anything at all.

Donnie is well and truly asleep, and Mikey stands alone in the dark with bitter, bitter anger on his tongue. His brother won’t be listening to him at all tonight, obviously.

Mikey snarls without sound, and storms out of the living room. Leaving Donnie and Casey to the fun they’d gone and had without him, and carelessly slamming his door shut behind him.

He crawls into his bed without bothering to brush his teeth, or get Donnie and Casey into actual places to sleep, or even covering them up with blankets so they don’t freeze on the floor-

-and he ignores all those things he should be doing, and instead tries not to let the twisting, snarling knots in his chest keep him awake all day.

    Mikey wakes up the next evening, and feels like a dick.

It’s not Donnie’s fault Mikey was having a crappy night. He didn’t know Mikey was going to try talking about gross stuff he’s never even hinted about before. And heck, like anyone can keep Casey from doing what he wants, including worming his way into your home and starting a party.

Donnie and Casey are still passed out where Mikey left them last night, and he sighs at the both of them. There’s only a faint hint of his residual frustration, and it’s easily enough ignored. He starts by waking Donnie up, and from there he does his best to forget he’d ever been so mad at his brother.

Mikey starts poking at the mess Donnie and Casey made, while the two of them go have a private moment as Donnie sees Casey off, and he finds a mostly still full bottle of alcohol.

He stares at it, lying on the carpet with its cap on and most of its liquid safely inside. He considers it for a moment, wondering what he should do.

Then he picks it up, and puts it in his room before Donnie comes back. Why he does, he’s not really sure. It probably has to do with the dull buzz of hurt he’s still got; because even though he’s trying not to be, he’s frustrated Donnie called Casey over and had a party together without even bothering to text it was happening.

Mikey feels left out and more than a little ignored. He hasn’t felt that in a few weeks, and it’s not a fun thing to feel again.

It feels too much like how it felt at home, in the lair, with their brothers, with their father- and Mikey shoves the hurt anger deep, deep down into himself and forces his brain to forget about it.

Donnie didn’t do it on purpose. Probably. Casey tended to whip Donnie into all sorts of moods and frenzies, and who could focus on anything else when hurricane Jones was blowing through? Not Donnie, that’s for sure.

And then Casey calls Mikey, when he’s wandering the kitchen and looking for any other leftover alcohol, and Mikey suddenly feels like even more of a dick.

“He says it’s his fault your- fuck, that he’s the reason your dad is dead,” Casey says in a low, harsh voice; putting stones and glass in Mikey’s stomach. Gone is Casey’s vagueness from earlier, the maintained hungover humor that he and Donnie have been sharing. Maybe he hadn’t been as out of it as Mikey had thought. “He cried all over the place, Mike. All over me, and you know it’s bad if he’s done that. Did you know about any of that shit?”

Mikey’s head is kinda tilting a direction he doesn’t like, and he has to swallow around a lump in his throat. “No,” He says, somehow still steady. “I didn’t know that… at all.”

“Well. He spent like half the night talking about it, so I think it’d be a good idea you make ‘im talk about it again. Other stuff, too. Bad stuff.”

“What bad stuff?” Mikey asks, and a part of him doesn’t want to hear the answer. And he’s right, he doesn’t want to hear about how Donnie’s been keeping all these things in; blaming himself for their dad’s death, Leo’s coma, and countless other things Mikey is pretty sure he had no control over. And yet, Donnie had said it was all his fault, and slapped a claim over some of the worst shit that keeps Mikey awake most days.

Donnie hadn’t been having a party with Casey. He’d been having a vent session that should’ve happened months ago.

Mikey wonders why Donnie never told him the things he’d told Casey. He wonders that, while listening as Casey rambles on about things Donnie had said, about things he’s going to go yell at their brothers, and Mikey arrives to a conclusion.

Donnie still doesn’t trust him, doesn’t think Mikey could handle hearing those things.

An insidious whisper in his brain says it’s because Donnie thinks he’s too stupid to get it, too much the youngest brother to understand big things like self-blame and grief and shitty thoughts.

Mikey stomps on that thought and ignores it.

He takes Casey’s advice, after hearing what his friend swears is just the bare bones of what Donnie’s got all smushed up inside him, and corners his brother immediately. They are talking, and then they are hugging, and Mikey is going to show Donnie he’s perfectly capable of handling this.

Except.

He’s not sure he actually can.

Because when Mikey finally gets Donnie onto the couch, listening and waiting, and he actually hears what Donnie has to say… he falters.

Mikey hadn’t known about any of these things, hadn’t even thought they might exist. Hadn’t thought about how much pressure they’d been placing on Donnie, or how Leo’s words and their father’s words and all of their words had hurt him so much. He’d known it’d been hard, but…

He hadn’t known just how hard it really was. Not entirely.

Maybe Mikey played a part in those things- twitchy and ignorant and just doing whatever the hell he pleased because hey, he was always getting scolded anyways, what was one more brother yelling at him- but largely it’d been their brothers. Their father.

And Mikey’s anger burns.

Because Donnie, who is always tall, always unfaltering in his dedication and hard work, is just too wrung out to give much more. He says in a wavering voice that there’s just not enough of him left. And he’s hunching over his knees, words tumbling out fast and painful, and the way his voice cracks is breaking Mikey’s heart and nearly his control.

Donnie is missing his mask and has bags under his eyes and looks pale as they physically can be and is just so sad. And Mikey isn’t sure how to fix that. He isn’t sure how to respond to Donnie’s words, his stories about how long he’s been alone and hurting and feeling like no one loved him, and Mikey’s sadness and anger and whirling confusion fight each other in his head.

Regret makes its way out of the fight, and Mikey pulls Donnie into the tightest, most loving hug he can manage while he represses every other thought he’s been having. Donnie’s abrupt break down is the priority right now, not Mikey’s steadily growing anger issues.

Donnie actually sobs for a bit, and it’s the worst sound Mikey never ever wanted to hear. Donnie is just so broken sounding, the way he’s talking about always feeling tired, and always wishing things would just stop for a while so he could actually rest for once. He’s shaking and still crying and Mikey can’t do anything other than cling tighter to his brother and say he loves him, and he’s sorry.

It takes a while, and a lot of very tight clinging on Mikey’s (useless) part, and then Donnie drags himself back together enough to wipe away his tears. He manages a weak smile at the lame sounding reassurances from Mikey- “Don’t worry, Dee. If you’re really that tired, I swear I’ll do your half of the dishes tonight.”- and then, with Mikey’s encouragement, goes to make a phone call he really needs to.

They don’t talk about Mikey at all. Mikey doesn’t try to bring his own emotions into things, period.

Donnie can’t handle that, not right now. Mikey’s stupid feelings aren’t big enough to need talking about yet; and they are stupid, because why is he bothering with stuff that he’s already kind of talked about with Leatherhead, and then sworn he wouldn’t think about anymore.

Donnie’s got his own problems, and he’s the one in need of help right now. Not Mikey. Mikey won’t put yet another burden on Donnie’s shoulders, not after hearing about all the other ones that’ve been making him into atlas.

Mikey’s fine on his own, so he’ll keep to himself what he’d wanted to talk to Donnie about.

    Mikey gets more nightmares than he wants to admit.

He’s always had a super active imagination, and it shows in just how vivid and detailed his dreams can get. Sometimes it’s neat, and he enjoys being able to recount every step and turn his dream self takes while he sleeps.

But sometimes it sucks. Really, really sucks.

Like dreaming he’s back in that moment, on that night, and watching his dad fall off a building and not get back up.

Mikey can’t jolt himself awake, even though he knows he’s dreaming, he knows this is just a stupid memory, and he has to watch his dad fall and hit the ground with a horrible, horrible thud and he’s too slow, too slow to do anything, because his dad’s chest is already torn open and gushing blood and he’s not even breathing anymore he’s just gone and they’re too late too late and it was all pointless and he was just too slow-

And Mikey’s lungs falter as he falls out of the nightmare, and he can’t do anything other than cough and gasp for a solid minute.

He’s crying. He’s crying and everything hurts just as much as it did in that moment. The realization that his unbeatable father had been beaten, and that he wasn’t coming back this time. Splinter is gone, and they won’t be getting anymore miracles.

Mikey used to think everything would work itself out, no matter what happened. They’d always find a way, always beat the odds. Always go home together. Always have their dad.

In the end, they lost to the odds, broke their home, and buried their father.

Leo had said they’d won the battle, ended the war. In Mikey’s opinion, he thinks they lost it completely.

After all, what did the Shredder have left to lose at that point? Karai didn’t want him, the Foot had abandoned him, and it’d just been him and his hench-guys. Mikey and his family are the ones who lost everything, not the Shredder.

Mikey sniffles, and wipes his tears onto his pillow. Turning into the dull comfort he gets from having privacy to feel like shit, and sheets that still have a slight scent of his old room.

He considers for a moment, going to Donnie and asking to talk about their dad, about how he misses Splinter even though he’d been so absent in the last few years, but Mikey doesn’t move to get up.

Donnie is still recovering, and it’s just a stupid dream, just some stupid feelings.

Mikey’s nearly an adult now, he can handle some dumb nightmares on his own. He has for… years. Since the war had started to get bad. He hadn’t gone crying to his brothers for- mockery, scorn, dismissal- for comfort then, and he won’t now. Especially since Donnie is still precariously balanced with his own issues.

Mikey rolls over; smearing the last of his tears onto his pillow, and shuts his eyes to will himself back to sleep.

    Mikey keeps out of Donnie’s way for a while, but also circles his brother and does whatever Donnie needs him to.

Whether it’s taking a bit more of their shared chores, or being extra quiet that night, or just stepping out of the station for a bit to go burn off aggravating energy so he doesn’t bother Donnie- Mikey does it, and tries to be everything he hasn’t been over the years.

He wants to be a good brother, especially right now. He wants to mend the relationship he has with Donnie, and make it stronger than before. No more driving Donnie into break downs, please. Mikey’s seen enough of that for a lifetime and then some.

Sure, Mikey is still struggling with nightmares and frustrations and anger, but he’s got a handle on that. No sweat, he’s been doing this long enough now he’s an expert.

Except.

Text messages still come from their brothers, even though Mikey has noticed they’re slowing down. But it’s still enough. And with the weeks still pilling on- six, six weeks now and counting- they’re getting more desperate. More angry.

Raph is so mad at him, so scared for him; he wants them both back home and safe again. Where he and Leo can watch out for them.

Raph is also confused, and wants to know what the hell they’ve been telling their friends. Apparently, none of their friends want to talk to Mikey’s brothers anymore, and Raph and Leo just don’t get why.

Mikey reads a text that’s damn close to a plead, begging Mikey and Donnie to reply and at least call them- and Mikey has a horribly inappropriate moment of sharp laughter.

The laughter happens again when he finds a text from Leo, talking about how disappointed their father would have been, the two of them running away without explanation and turning all their friends against their brothers.

It happens a third time, when Raph leaves a breathlessly furious voicemail, about Casey and April turning on him and Leo and how Donnie and Mikey are still missing- and Mikey just can’t anymore.

He throws his phone across his room, not giving two shits about the sound of hitting the wall, and barks one more laugh before breaking into a muffled scream.

He’s just so angry at them all.

They don’t even see it, and its right in front of them, and they still don’t see it. They don’t get that they hurt Donnie, hurt Mikey, and that no, they’re not coming home no matter what their brothers plead and yell at them. That their dad was a neglectful asshole who only ever paid attention to them, and Mikey is having a hard time balancing that jealousy with his grief these days and it’s just turning into one big mess of anger.

He used to be so good about keeping his emotions under control. Only the happy ones were ever allowed out, or the sad ones in the right moments when it was okay to cry and whine a bit. Not anger. Never anger.

Raph gets to be angry, but not Mikey. Mikey has to be the happy one, the silly one, the stupid one-

Mikey bites his lips hard, and muffles his furious scream into his hands.

Why is it suddenly getting so hard to keep the anger out? Or rather, keep it in. Why is it suddenly such an issue to control a stupid, hurtful emotion he doesn’t even like having?

So his brothers still want them back. So they’re still looking for them. Great, good for them.

Mikey’s head is buzzing with anger, and he has nowhere to aim it, so it just keeps buzzing.

They don’t get what they did. Raph and Leo. Can’t tell or acknowledge it even with their whole friend group being pretty clear about things. Mikey doesn’t think they’d get it even if he screamed it in their faces.

They want them back home, ‘safe’ with them and under their watch again. The thought makes Mikey’s scales crawl and bile rise up in his throat. Because no. No more.

And maybe their father would’ve been disappointed- so what? He was always disappointed in Mikey anyways, getting distracted and unable to follow what was happening and just being a general nuisance that interrupted Splinter’s time with Raph and Leo. Mikey doesn’t care right now what their father would’ve thought- he’s dead and he can’t give Mikey infuriatingly distant looks of disappointment anymore.

Mikey misses his dad, misses his brothers, misses how things used to be-

-but right now, he’s more so angry about all those things, and tries to keep silent as the rancid emotions claw at him for release.

He doesn’t let them get that release.

He shoves his phone back under his bed, again, and has to ignore it for three days straight just to get his head back on right.

    “It wasn’t your fault, Donnie. You can’t keep blaming yourself for it.”

“Za’naron wasn’t your fault either, so you can’t blame yourself for that if I can’t blame myself for- for Splinter. Dying.”

“…that was different.”

“It wasn’t really you.”

“A part of it was, though. I’m the one who gave in.”

“Yeah. Well. I’m the one who didn’t listen when I should have. So guess we can both blame ourselves a bit.”

“Donnie…”

Mikey hovers out of sight, practicing his ability to not be, and listens to his brother and April have the same conversation they’ve been having over and over the last while.

He hears April sigh, and shift on the couch. “This isn’t healthy, Donnie,” April says gently. “You can’t keep holding onto those things, or… it’ll never get better.”

“I can and I will,” Donnie mutters stubbornly. “Because they’re true.”

“They’re not-”

“Yes they are! I’m the one-”

“You’re one kid, one person, and you had no control over what happened to master Splinter. It’s not your fault; it was never your fault.”

Donnie falls silent for a moment, and it’s a drawn out sort of silence.

“Then why…” Why do I feel like it is?

Donnie doesn’t actually say the last part, but Mikey hears it anyways. It kinda sucks how clear he can hear it, and Mikey doesn’t know what to do about it anymore than he has the last week of trying to get Donnie to feel okay again.

Donnie sighs, and it’s an exhausted sound. Mikey looks up at the ceiling of the hallway, and thinks quietly that Donnie doesn’t ever not sound exhausted.

“…I don’t have an answer, Donnie,” April says in a hushed voice. “But I know it wasn’t your fault.”

And there’s the sound Donnie’s been making on and off lately, soft and broken. Mikey shuts his eyes and tries not to hear it too well.

Donnie’s crying again, in quiet gasps as he tries to not, and Mikey opens his eyes as April starts to shush his brother. Whispered things about how they’ll get through this, it’s not Donnie’s fault, and they’ll work it out somehow, some way…

“It’s okay, Donnie. Just let it out. I got you. I got you…”

Mikey takes the moment to peek into the living room, still silent and invisible. April’s got Donnie in a hug, and Mikey’s brother is hiding his face in her shoulder. April’s words and hug already seem to be calming Donnie down, and…

She’s doing this so much better than Mikey had. April knows what she’s doing, and Mikey doesn’t. She knows what to say, what’ll calm down Donnie the quickest, and… just knows how to be a better support in general.

And Donnie seems to trust her more, too. Letting this out every time April asks him to, without complaint or protest. He’s always ready to talk to her, but not…

Not Mikey.

Mikey swallows something too close to jealousy for comfort, and turns away from his brother and friend.

They deserve some privacy. He’d just been listening in for a moment, checking in on how their latest talk was going.

But April’s clearly got this, so Mikey leaves them to it. He’ll go do some quiet exercises, maybe a run above ground for a few hours. He won’t be such an annoyance if he gets rid of his excess energy.

He takes his skateboard with him as he leaves, going through the second exit so he doesn’t disturb April or Donnie. Mikey’s got his standard equipment on him too, nunchucks, smoke bombs, etc., even though the paranoia of his brothers finding them has started to ease off.

April and Casey both know where they are now, and Mikey is seriously considering bringing Leatherhead around sometime soon; so unless someone actually shows his brothers, and Mikey doubts any of their friends will, Leo and Raph aren’t finding the station any time soon. If they could’ve, they already would have.

That comfort is a small one, though. Because eventually- and that eventually hangs heavy in the air sometimes- he and Donnie will have to talk to their brothers, if only to bring closure to the shit that drove them all apart.

Mikey doesn’t know how he’ll handle that. He doesn’t know how to approach the idea at all.

But him not knowing how to do stuff is normal enough, right?

Right.

    The station is occupied at the moment, so guess that means Mikey needs to shove off for a good while. Enough time for April and Donnie to wrap up their conversation and for Donnie to pull himself back together.

Mikey skates aimlessly for a while, not really thinking of anything in particular. He doesn’t really notice until he’s getting close, but he’d unconsciously drifted towards the Mutanimals’ hideout as he went. Mikey considers his options for a moment, and then starts heading towards Leatherhead and Mondo’s location in earnest. Spending time with the two of them should make it easy enough to shove his dumb mood aside; it’s always easier to do that for other people, instead of just himself.

He kicks his board up into his hand, and ducks in through the main entrance of the hideout. It’s not locked up, so that obviously means Mikey’s allowed to come in. His mood lifts the closer he gets to the inner rooms, and he manages to put a near spring in his step as he heads in.

Then-

He hears a voice that makes him freeze.

His heart stops and his fingers go numb, and he stands there like an idiot deer in the headlights; stuck in the last doorway into the center room of the Mutanimals’ base.

His skateboard slips from his hand. It clatters against the floor too loud to be ignored.

Raph turns around, following the sound and forgetting the conversation he’d been having with Slash.

Everything slows down, and Mikey can’t breathe.

“Mikey?” Raph says, eyes going wide. Then- “Mikey!”

And Mikey is already running by the time Raph even moves his feet.

He doesn’t even bother grabbing his skateboard, he just runs, and he doesn’t look back. Because he knows if he does-

He might listen to the things Raph is yelling after him. He might not be able to keep running away.

Raph’s voice echoes through the streets as Mikey runs, and neither of them are even trying to be stealthy anymore. There’s no reason to beyond ordinary humans maybe hearing them, and when isn’t there yelling in New York? It’s just normal, so normal no one even cares that there’s yelling outside their apartments- so why should Mikey?

With that hysterical thought in mind, Mikey pours on the speed and does his best to disappear. He blocks out Raph’s calls after him, and narrows everything down to his path ahead.

“Mikey! MIKEY! Just wait a second- where are you going?!”

Away from you! Mikey thinks, shrieks, inside his panicking mind, and then does.

He throws down a bunch of his smoke bombs, and disappears.

He leaves Raph coughing and cursing in the street below, while Mikey climbs into a boarded up building. They’re in one of the less attended to districts, so there are plenty of these buildings to find. Mikey replaces the boards across the window once he inside, and makes it look as though nothing has touched them since they went up.

He steps away from it when he’s done, tunnel vision draining away. He feels shaky in a way he hasn’t since he was fifteen and new to life or death situations. Like he’s a newbie all over again, just as inexperienced as the night he and his brothers first went out on their own.

Raph is still yelling outside. Hollering after Mikey and demanding he show himself.

Mikey takes a few more stumbling steps back from the window, and then recovers enough to become silent again.

The building he’s in looks like it used to be an apartment. Probably. All the rooms are stripped down and there’s no carpet on the rotting wooden floors.

Mikey doesn’t go farther than the back wall of the room he’s in- a kitchen, maybe- and ends up slumping against the far wall. Sinking to the floor and suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

Raph is still yelling. Still looking.

Mikey doesn’t think he’s got the concentration right now to sneak away, so he does the next best thing.

He goes quiet, and stops existing.

He stares at the window, boarded up but no sound proof, and waits for the yelling to get closer. He waits with his pulse thrumming in his ears, and lungs trying to take heaving breaths that he won’t give them.

Mikey should be standing, ready to flee, but he can’t get back up. He just sits there on the floor, and stares at the window. Terrified.

Oh god he’s so scared. And he’s such an idiot.

He should’ve checked in with the Mutanimals. He should’ve called ahead and said hey I’m dropping by, any chance the brothers I’m kind of hiding from right now are around? Yes? Thanks, I’ll make sure to avoid them. It would have been just that easy, and yet- Mikey hadn’t done it. One stupid little step, just to make sure he wouldn’t come face to face with his brother.

He’s an idiot. A complete and utter moron.

Raph’s yelling has stopped, finally.

Mikey stays where he is, curled up tightly around his knees and staring at the window as he internally berates himself.

Mikey’s not sure if he actually breathing anymore.

He isn’t sure if he wants to.

The minutes without Raph’s yelling tick by, and slowly, Mikey unwinds enough to think outside his fear and self-incrimination.

That was too close. Way too close.

He’s a fucking idiot, running around blindly like there aren’t still people looking for him. He’s always too careless, too thoughtless. Just like his brothers always told him he was.

Mikey’s made up of too much stupid and not enough caution, and he almost blew everything. If Raph had caught him, then everything he and Donnie have been building up would’ve been ruined.

Such. An idiot.

Mikey lets his head fall back against the wall that’s decades older than himself, and shuts his eyes. Listening to everything around him, and waiting.

He doesn’t manage to move again for a long while. His legs won’t respond until he’s thoroughly, thoroughly sure that his brother is gone. And then it’s just him and his shitty thoughts, all the way home.

    He doesn’t go looking for Donnie when he gets back. April is gone, he knows that much from the absence of talking in the station, but he’s not going to go to his brother. Not yet.

He’s got enough voices telling him off for his dumbass mistake already, all up in his head where he can’t escape them.

A lot of them sound like his brothers.

Mikey slams his bedroom door, because he can and he feels like it and Donnie isn’t the type to go looking for reasons behind slamming doors. It’s just a sign of which part of the house you should be avoiding right then.

And that curdles Mikey’s stomach. The thought that even though they’re working so hard to change, he’s still using the same tactics they did at home. Still acting like their siblings.

Well, too late to un-slam it now. He’s already gone and done it. Just like he went and nearly got caught. Just two more mistakes he can’t take back.

His t-phone has been pinging with texts nonstop, one or two calls going straight to voicemail. Mikey doesn’t bother looking at the messages, and turns the thing off completely. It goes under the mattress right after.

He sits in his room, by his bed and with only one lamp on, and isn’t sure what to do next.

He has to tell Donnie. And even if he doesn’t, Donnie’s probably already gotten a rush of texts from one or both of their brothers about it. Donnie probably already knows, and is probably already angry at Mikey.

Well fuck him; Mikey’s already angry at himself. He doesn’t need anyone else yelling at him, because he’s got plenty in his head as is.

The anger bubbling in the back of his throat makes his head hurt, and Mikey shuts his eyes. He puts his head between his hands, and pushes hard against the sides of his skull. The dull buzz in it keeps up, and he just ends up feeling like he’s got a headache.

He drops his hands, and stares at the wall across from him. Shame and frustration join the anger, and he starts to feel twitchy.

He’s such a fucking idiot. He knew it before this, and he knows it even better now. The whole experience is just a repeat of every other fuck up Mikey’s ever made, and hey, it’s even worse this time because he’d been actively trying to not fuck up the last while.

Before he didn’t care. Because that was normal and he couldn’t escape it no matter what he tried. He cares a lot more now, because he likes not being yelled at all the time; likes not getting smacked over the head or insulted every time he so much as breathes.

He likes spending time with a brother that’s not constantly angry, or disappointed, or annoyed at him. One that doesn’t treat him like he’s useless or a hang on or just the moronic youngest brother that no one wants around.

But it looks like that’s about to change.

And maybe he deserves that, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate it.

Mikey’s hand brushes something hard and cold underneath his bed, and he looks down. The bottle of tequila, which he’d previously wrapped up in a wad of towel he’d left in his room, is peeking out from under its hiding space.

Mikey looks at it, and considers what he should do.

On impulse- because that’s all he ever does, acts on stupid stupid stupid impulses- he pulls it out and uncaps it.

If Donnie can drink, then so can he. And if his brother doesn’t like it, then whatever. Mikey’s already going to be in shit, so might as well add one more thing for Donnie to yell at him about.

The first sip makes him choke, because it tastes like the stuff he uses to clean the kitchen.

It burns all the way down, and Mikey coughs for a solid few seconds as his eyes water.

He takes another sip anyways.

Mikey drinks most of what was left in the bottle- which was a fair amount, considering how much Donnie and Casey had seemed to have drunk- and then sits in his room feeling even shittier than before.

It’s not fair. Why is that he’s the fuck up? He’s not the one who was always shouting at people or ordering them around. He’s not the one who put all his attention into two sons and not the others. He’s not the one who gave unsubtle looks of disappointment or slipped barbs into his words every time he spoke about one specific person. He’s not the one who hits people.

Mikey’s not the one at fault for all that stuff. He’s not the one who did all that. And what did he do to deserve all that shit anyways? When had he fucked up so horribly that no one could even talk to him anymore without insulting him?

Why did his brothers hate him so much? Mikey didn’t do anything wrong, he just is how he is and he can’t change that. Couldn’t then and can’t now and won’t, because what’s wrong with wanting to think about nicer stuff? What’s wrong with wanting to lighten the situation when everything is a great big pile shit constantly, and none of them have had a night without fighting in years?

What the hell is so wrong with Mikey that everything he says has to get shut down or ignored? At what point did everything he said just become nonsense to everyone else? At what point did he get designated as everyone’s verbal and physical punching bag?

Fuck them. Fuck them all.

Mikey’s head aches with all the fury he’s channeling, and he’s not sure when he left his room.

It figures that Donnie comes out of his lab, for once, just in time to meet Mikey in the hallway.

Donnie has his phone in his hands, and he looks up at Mikey with wide eyes. Mikey knows what Donnie’s going to say before he does, and Mikey glowers at his brother.

“You- you almost got caught?” Donnie asks, and they both know there’s no need to give context to that statement. Donnie’s lips go thin, and he closes a hand around his phone. “Mikey, that was way too close. Are you-”

“Shut up,” Mikey bites out, cutting his brother off from almost definitely saying ‘are you stupid?’ “I know already, don’t bother telling me off for it.” His head feels wrong and soupy with anger and alcohol, and he just doesn’t have any filter left. “Just- just leave me alone! I know I fucked up!”

Donnie looks at him, rising out of a half hunch. He spots the bottle Mikey had forgotten he was still clutching. “You’re drinking the tequila” Donnie says, lips tugging downwards, and there’s the disappointment Mikey was expecting. “Mikey, you shouldn’t be doing that. It’s-”

“It’s what?” Mikey barks, because he doesn’t care, he’s already going to be in trouble and he doesn’t care if he gets in more for talking back. “It’s stupid? Thanks, I kind of already knew that, so piss off!”

Donnie is looking at him with apprehension now, and slowly crossing his arms. “No, I was I going to say that it’s a depressant, and it’s not a good thing to be drinking when you’re not emotionally balanced. Mikey, that wasn’t a good idea.”

Mikey’s laughter comes out of his throat in a way that hurts, and he does not care. “You always say that about- about whatever I decide to do,” Mikey says, biting and furious and so far beyond giving a shit. “All of you do! You all just shit on me for everything I sug- suggest doing, and then you call me stupid for even thinking the ideas! So fuck you, fuck you and your long- long stupid words, I don’t give a shit anymore!”

Donnie’s eyes are wide, and his mouth has dropped open. “Mikey, is that what you think I’m-”

“I don’t care what you’re on about, I don’t care!” Mikey cuts him off, swinging his arm through the air in a harsh gesture. “None of you ever cared what I was on about, so why should I give a shit about you?”

Donnie’s arms come uncrossed, and Mikey takes a quick step backwards to get out of range. Bad idea, because everything tilts as he does, and he stumbles. Mikey feels that Donnie is still looking at him, and he knows if he looks back he’ll see disappointment, maybe annoyance, maybe any of the other countless looks his brothers always give him when he’s acting particularly stupid.

“Mikey, we should sit down,” Donnie says, slow and careful like he’s trying to explain things to Mikey in a way he’ll get it. Like he’s an idiot. “If you need to… talk about this, we should.”

“You never listen, none of you do,” Mikey mutters, and he, acting on impulse for the umpteenth time tonight, tries to bring the tequila to his lips.

Donnie’s hand stops his rising arm.

Mikey snarls, and yanks his hand away. Or, tries to, but Donnie’s hand has formed a vicelike grip on his arm and won’t let go.

“Mikey- Mikey stop and think for a second, this isn’t helping, you’re just making it worse-”

Always worse, he’s always just making it worse and screwing things up because he’s an IDIOT, because he can’t get anything RIGHT-

-never thinks never plans never does anything except make stupid stupid stupid mistakes-

-no wonder none of them wanted him around, they all think he’s useless and a nuisance and just plain stupid-

“Shut up!” Mikey shouts, yanking against Donnie’s grip again. He hates being held in place, he hates being held against his will, he hates it when people grab him like this because it’s always followed by a- “Let me go! You don’t- you don’t even care-”

“Mikey, just let me talk to you, we’ll- we just need to sit down, you’re not making any sense-”

“You always say that!” Mikey screams, still unable to free his arm, still stuck in place and unable to escape- “All of you! You- you all think I’m an idiot! I’m not; I’m not an idiot so stop talking to me like I am-”

Donnie’s hands grip tighter around Mikey’s arm, and just get tighter even as Mikey tugs and tugs and tugs to get away, and-

“Mikey- just listen for two seconds-”

-Mikey’s other arm is still free-

“-I’m just trying to help you-”

-and Donnie still won’t let go, and he’s still yelling everyone’s yelling and Mikey can’t get away.

He gives one last yank on his arm-

-it doesn’t come free-

-and he raises his other arm, and-

-Donnie’s voice and hands and everything too much too much-

-Mikey’s fist makes contact with Donnie’s cheek.

The tequila falls out of both their hands, and hits the floor with a dull thud. Its open top spills what was left of it onto the throw carpet they’d laid out in the hallway.

Its making the spot by Donnie’s feet wet. The spot where Donnie’s feet are, which lead up to his legs, which lead up to his shell-

-which is on the floor, because Mikey hit Donnie hard enough he fell over.

Everything slows down, as Donnie stares up at Mikey. Eyes wide with shock, and confusion, and hurt.

Mikey can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. His hand hurts and he can’t breathe.

Donnie slowly raises a shaking hand to his cheek, and blinks at the pain of touching it.

And Mikey-

Mikey howls.

He fucked up.

He fucked up he fucked up he fucked up he fucked up he fucked up hefuckeduphefuckeduphefuckeduphe is the fuck up-

Donnie’s eyes go even wider, and he struggles to stand up fast enough. “Mikey, Mikey no-”

Mikey stumbles back- out of range out of reach- and his scream cuts off as he does- shut up shut up no one wants to hear- and he runs.

His door slams behind him, and he locks it with numb fingers. Shaking fingers. Fingers that can make a fist that he used to hit his brother.

It’s not the same as training. It’s not the same because he’d done it outside the dojo, outside a spar, outside of a battle, during a real fight between them and with intent to hurt.

Donnie’s own fists hit the door the second he’s locked it, and Mikey hears the knob shake as his brother tries to get inside. Donnie is yelling and Mikey can’t hear any of it, his heart and mind already too loud as he backs away from the shuddering frame.

“Mikey- Mikey please, open the door. Open the door- I know you didn’t mean it, so please-”

Mikey shakes his head at the door, and keeps backing away until his shell hits the wall. He slowly, agonizingly slowly, sinks to the floor, and sits. And stares.

His hands are shaking still. He can still feel the impact of punching Donnie.

Mikey inhales sharply, and feels like something is cracking.

Nothing changed. He left with Donnie and tried to do better and nothing changed. He’s still a fuck up, they’re both still broken, and he hit his brother.

He got angry, and let his anger out, and someone got hurt.

Someone always gets hurt when anger is let out. Usually it’s Mikey who gets hurt. Usually it’s Raph who lets it out.

Mikey let go of his control, and Donnie got hurt.

He’s just like his brother. He’s just like Raph, except worse, because Mikey was actually trying.

And Mikey feels sick.

“Mikey! MIKEY! Open the door! God damn it- OPEN THE DOOR-”

Mikey puts his hands over his mouth, and feels burning tears spill out of his eyes.

Donnie’s wide and hurt eyes play through his mind again, and a choked sob finds its way up his throat.

“Please, oh god, please open the door Mikey. Please, please open the door-”

Mikey can’t move and won’t let himself move.

He’s not opening that door. He’s not opening it or exposing Donnie to- to Mikey again.

Donnie’s stopped banging on the door, and there’s nothing making sound anymore except for Mikey’s hyperventilation.

He still can’t breathe. He’s sucking in air and he still can’t breathe.

There’s nothing except that for a long, long moment, and then Donnie’s cracking voice comes through the door again.

“Mikey, please. Open the door. I’m- I’m scared of what you’re thinking right now. Please… I know you di-didn’t mean it-”

Donnie’s voice breaks and Mikey feels something in him do the same.

“…oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing. Fuck- Mikey, I know you didn’t mean to. I’m so- I’m so sorry I held onto you like that, I-I-I was panicking, and you were upset and I… I didn’t know what else to do, Mikey…”

Mikey stifles a sob, and feels like he’s swimming in guilt. Drowning in it.

“You’re not an idiot, I nev- I wouldn’t- I’m sorry, Mikey. Oh god I’m so sorry. Please, please open the door. Please…”

Donnie is crying. He’s crying and it’s a sound Mikey never, ever wanted to hear again.

“...I’m sorry… Mikey, I’m so sorry… please open the door… I’m sorry…”

Mikey can’t take hearing that, can’t take hearing the hopeless desperation Donnie has in his voice. He just can’t.

He’s already done too much damage as it is.

Somehow, somehow, Mikey drags himself towards the door on numb legs, and fumbles with the lock.

He gets it open, and Donnie is there. Standing and staring, and blinking thick tears out of his eyes.

Mikey’s own tears respond in sympathy, and fall down to dampen his mask even more. “I’m sorry,” He says, hoarse and shaking and so, so sorry. His breathing hitches and he feels himself crumpling. “ ‘m sorry.”

Donnie takes a sharp inhale, and the sound conveys so many things all at once, emotions and thoughts and actions-

-and then he grabs Mikey in a hug.

Mikey’s arms, without his permission, grab Donnie back and don’t let go.

They take a few stumbling steps backwards, and somehow make it to the floor against the hallway wall. It’s just the two of them tangled together, stubbornly stupidly refusing to let go of each other. There’s no one else here to see anything, or make judgements, or be angry at anyone.

It’s just them, and Mikey’s big brother is still holding onto him like a lifeline that’ll disappear the moment he lets it.

And Mikey sobs.

 He mashes his face into Donnie’s neck and shoulder and sobs. Because he’s so sorry, he’s so so so sorry. He didn’t mean to, he didn’t want to, he’d never do that- except he did and he’s sorry-

“Shh, shh shh shh, it’s okay, Mikey its okay, I’m fine it’s fine-”

-he’s not him, he’s not him-

“You’re not, Mikey you’re not Raph, you’re just-”

-no he worse he’s a fuck up that none of them ever wanted, ever liked, ever loved-

“-you’re not, you’re not a fuck up. I- I love you and you’re not a- shh shh shh, you’re not, I swear you’re not. Mikey, Mikey look at me, look at me.”

Donnie’s hands turn Mikey’s face upwards, and for a moment Mikey’s instincts scream at the sudden touch, but it’s just Donnie. It’s Donnie. And his brother is looking at him with nothing but concern and grief and love.

“Mikey, you’re not- you’re not stupid, or a fuck up, or-” Donnie breaks off, blinking gloss out of his eyes. “-or unwanted. You’re my brother and I love you, I’ve always loved you. Every- every damn second of our lives, I’ve loved you and I never felt otherwise.”

Mikey stares at his brother, trying to process the words Donnie is saying. “Then why-” Mikey’s voice breaks and his eyes blur even worse. “-then why did you always- always call me an idiot, or- or stupid, or tell you didn’t want me- me anywhere n-near you-” He can’t see anything at all and everything hurts. “-why did all of you say that you didn’t want me-”

Mikey’s voice gives out, and he starts sobbing again. Thick and horrible tears rolling down into his mask that he shoves out of the way to mash at his eyes and wipe away his stupid, stupid weakness-

-and Donnie’s arms just pull him closer.

Mikey just sobs harder, words and thoughts tumbling out as he cries. And Donnie just keeps holding him.

His brother is making shushing sounds, running a hand up and down Mikey’s shell while he does. Mikey thinks his brother is saying things like “I always wanted you” and “I’m sorry” and “Mikey, I love you, I love you-” but Mikey’s head and heart are too loud to let anything real come through.

Mikey just keeps crying and crying and crying. Until he’s done.

Then they sit there, cramped in a desperate two way clutch. Mikey’s vision finally clears itself, and his head and eyes and pretty much everything else hurt.

He can see the spilled tequila, all the way at the end of the hall. And then he feels sick again.

Distantly, he feels Donnie’s arms tighten around him again as his breath hitches in a half sob.

Even more distantly, Mikey thinks about how none of his family has done this is years. He loves Leatherhead, downright adores his friend, but it’s not the same as getting a cuddle from his brothers. From his father.

Mikey doesn’t remember the last time his dad even hugged him.

That brings another fresh wave of grief and anger and sorrow up from his core, and Mikey shudders as he tries to shove it all back down. “Why didn’t- why didn’t dad- why didn’t he love me?” Mikey chokes out. “Why didn’t any of you love me? Al-always calling me stupid, or- or telling me to leave, or saying you didn’t want me around- and he never- he didn’t even expect me to do well at anything, he just- just waited all the time for me to fail-”

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Donnie says, low and fast, clutching Mikey closer. “But I’m sorry. Mikey, I’m so, so sorry. You’re great. You’re amazing. You’re smart and good and I love you, okay? Don’t think otherwise. Please, please don’t think otherwise. I can’t- I don’t- I don’t know what to do, Mikey. I’m- I’m just sorry and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Donnie presses a kiss to Mikey’s forehead, a gesture he barely feels, and his brother says “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, Mikey-” in a hushed voice, like it’s a prayer. Donnie says it again and again, and Mikey just turns his head into his brother’s shoulder and lets himself be held.

They don’t leave the hallway for a long time.

    “…I had a handle on it,” Mikey says, hours later and with a voice that hurts. Shame is still running a throbbing tempo behind his eyes, in pulse with his headache. “I. I don’t like being angry. I don’t even like having anger; let alone… talking about it.”

Donnie’s quiet presence, on the other end of the couch, leaves the air open for Mikey to continue. And he does. “It’s… it’s nasty, and it makes me feel gross, and…” Mikey blinks away memories that rise up. Memories from before they’d left. “People get hurt when you- when you let it out. ‘s why I never do. And besides… Raph’s the angry one. I’m the… stupid one.”

“You’re not, though,” Donnie says, and that’s one of the few things he’s said while Mikey gets things out. “You’re just as smart as the rest of us, and Raph’s just an asshole.”

Mikey scoffs. “Not as smart as you.”

“That’s-” Donnie sighs, and shifts his position on the couch. “That’s different. We went over that already.”

Mikey ducks his head, and can’t look at his brother. Another thought rises up in him, and he speaks it. “How come you didn’t talk to me about…” Mikey waffles between how he should address their deceased parent. Splinter? Sensei? Whatever. “…our father. How come you talked to Casey and April, but not… me.”

Donnie is quiet for too long, and Mikey’s stomach twists. He knew it, he knew it- “It’s because you don’t think I’m smart enough to get it, right?”

“Wha- no!” Donnie exclaims, starting out of his silence. Mikey still won’t look at him, even as his brother moves closer. “Mikey, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about that. I- I just- Casey made me, okay? And April is… April. She asked, and he forced me to, and it’s just…” Donnie seems to search for the right words, for once, and it takes another beat before he does. “It’s just different with them, alright? And it’s nothing to do with you. It was just… easier, somehow. And… truthfully, I never wanted any of you to know what I thought about our father. Especially you, Mikey.”

“…why especially me?” Mikey asks warily. He’s not sure if he wants to hear the answer, or any of the following insults.

“Mikey, could you look at me?”

Mikey lifts his head slowly, and cautiously meets his brother’s eyes. Donnie looks tired, red eyed in a different way than normal. But he’s also giving a weakly encouraging smile.

“I didn’t want you to know especially… because you were the only brother I had left,” Donnie says, and his smile nearly slips for a moment, in turn with the flash of regret and grief in his eyes. “I didn’t want to- to tell you what I’d caused, if you hadn’t figured it out already, because I didn’t want to lose you too. I- I thought if I told you, you’d… stop wanting to be here with me.”

Mikey blinks, and finds himself shaking his head in jerky shakes. “No- no I’d- I wouldn’t leave you, Dee,” Mikey says, because he wouldn’t, not now not ever- “I wouldn’t do that.”

They’ve already lost so many people; he couldn’t turn his back on Donnie now.

“I know,” Donnie says, wincing in on himself. “But tell that to my anxiety.”

A part of Mikey knows he’s supposed to laugh a bit at that, maybe crack a joke of his own… but he’s all out of that stuff right now. He’s too tired.

He can do something else, though.

“I don’t blame you,” Mikey says, abruptly enough that Donnie seems confused for a second. He pushes on anyways. “I don’t blame you for Splinter dying, or what happened to our family. So don’t think I do, or ever would.”

Donnie just stares at him for a long breath, and then his shoulders slowly slump. In relief, not despair. It’s so much better than the slump he has when he’s given up.

“Okay,” Donnie says, and Mikey can hear the resounding relief in his brother’s voice. Donnie nods his head, and blinks away wetness in his eyes. “Okay. Thank- thank you, Mikey.”

The last part comes out as a whisper, and Mikey nods slowly. He thinks Donnie is also exhausted from all the emotional feelings talk, and Mikey is right there with him. No more of that tonight.

“Can we just make dinner and go to bed now?” Mikey asks, wondering vaguely if he’ll be told off for changing the subject to food. “I think I’m all talked out.”

“You? Talked out? I never thought I’d see the day,” Donnie says with a soft laugh, only for it cut off when he sees how Mikey is shrinking on himself.

“Yeah, ha, I never do shut up, do I?” Mikey mumbles. Always talking, always rambling, always going on and on about things no one even listens to him say…

“That’s not what I meant,” Donnie says, and his hand reaches out to grab at Mikey’s- only for it to stop just before touching. Hovering there. Donnie looks at Mikey, and Mikey hears the silent question.

Mikey opens his hand, and lifts it to meet Donnie’s. Their hands clasp together tightly, and Donnie says, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to be mean. I won’t say it again.”

“…thanks,” Mikey says, swallowing down his tremulous thoughts and emotions.

Donnie’s hand tightens around his, and slowly pulls Mikey close enough for a hug. Mikey lets himself be pulled over, and wraps his arms around Donnie as his brother does the same to Mikey.

“I think that food idea is a good one,” Donnie says after a beat. “I’m pretty hungry, actually. I don’t think I ate tonight at all.”

Mikey scoffs quietly, and thumps his head against Donnie’s shoulder. “You suck at taking care of yourself, Dee. Gonna waste away one of these days.” Mikey knows that one is toeing the line, because they don’t need to actually say it to both know that if they’d stayed in the lair… there would’ve been a real chance of that happening.

Mikey hugs his brother a little tighter, and tries to push away that image.

“Mgh, don’t I know it,” Donnie mutters. He turns his head, and Mikey feels a soft kiss to his forehead. “Think instant noodles and easy vegetables would be good? I don’t have enough energy for real cooking.”

“Sounds good to me,” Mikey agrees, and he starts to pull away from their hug. Donnie stops him though, with a gentle grip on Mikey’s shoulders. Mikey glances up, and meets his brother’s eyes again.

“For the record, and from now on,” Donnie says, strong voiced and with certainty. “I don’t think you’re stupid, and I’m never calling you that again. Ever. As far as I’m concerned, the word is gone from my vocabulary now and forever.”

That startles a laugh out of Mikey. “Now that is just stupid,” Mikey says, disbelief and some kind of achy emotion running through him. “You can’t just delete that word; you use it on, like, half the problems we deal with.”

“I can and will and have,” Donnie says stubbornly. Then, tone shifting to something softer, “Mikey, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Particularly with how I treated you. I need to make up for it, and if giving up one word that’s done more damage than I ever thought it would is something that’ll help, then I’ll give it up and never say it again for the rest of my life.” He smiles, and there’s a hint of humor to the expression. “Besides, when have you ever known me to go halfway with anything? It’s all or nothing here, and I’m going to give my all.”

Oh.

Mikey can’t find a response to that. He can’t do anything other than nod shakily as something warm and painful and loving fills up his chest, and nearly makes him start crying again.

Scratch that, he already is.

“Oh, Mikey,” Donnie says gently, and wraps Mikey in another hug. “Shhhh, it’s okay. Just let it out, it’s okay.”

Mikey sniffles pathetically, and hides in his brother’s shoulder for a while longer. He stifles the last of his tears, and somehow pulls everything back together enough to push past the old pains and breaks in himself, to look at the new things taking their place. The warm things brought to life by having his brother say that he’s sorry, and that he’ll do anything to fix what’s happened to Mikey, and how Mikey now feels like he really matters. To Donnie. Like he’s not just the brother their family never wanted, or the screw up youngest no one ever listened to. He feels like he’s loved.

It’s not a feeling he ever wants to lose again, and he tries to say that, only for it to come out incoherent and rambly. Donnie just shushes him and says he knows, he knows and they won’t. Never again.

No more hurting and being hurt.

No more.

    The tequila bottle is smashed with vigor and vengeance. Mikey whoops as he hears the glass shatter against the wall of the tunnel. It’s a good sound.

“I am never letting Jones anywhere near us with that toxic liquid ever again,” Donnie says in a matter of fact tone, accompanied with a disgusted sniff. “It brings nothing but misery and tears to anyone who drinks it.”

“True that,” Mikey says, hands on his hips and feeling much better just for that small act of destruction. Sometimes, he supposes, anger is allowed out if you do it right.

As he has come to discover- and is no longer allowed to ignore- bottling it all up and not speaking about it all just makes things ten times worse than they need to be.

He and Donnie had a talk about that. A very long talk. A talk that took all night and well into the day, mixed in with all the nasty things Mikey has been keeping locked up inside and pretending didn’t exist.

It’d felt like pouring murky water out into the open, filled with all the rotting thoughts Mikey had inside him. All the emotions and memories he’s been ignoring for so long.

Donnie hadn’t had answers for some of them. The ones about their dad and why he never seemed to expect anything of Mikey at all, and the ones about Raph and Leo and why they always treated Mikey like a useless piece of junk no one wanted.

He’d had some though. Mostly for himself, and those answers were mostly apologies.

Mikey countered a lot of the apologies with his own, or insistences that that specific moment or interaction he had been an idiot, or annoying, or was just being a general fuck up-

But Donnie had very, very sternly told him to shut up when he tried that, and to stop saying those things.

“And that includes thinking those things, Mikey,” Donnie had said, still stern. “If I’m not allowed to think shitty things about myself, then neither are you.”

Mikey had tried to counter that, but hadn’t been able to.

Well, no harm in that. If they’re instating a ‘no shitty thoughts about yourself’ rule, then it’s a good one. Mikey even wrote it onto the fridge whiteboard, displayed with their other new rules.

Most of them are about minding each other’s spaces and needs, and some are about which subjects have to be talked about specifically. They’re both guilty of bottling things up, and whoops, looks like they’ll have to police one another about doing so.

Mikey doesn’t mind that rule too much, and Donnie doesn’t either.

It’s a good rule. It’s a rule that makes sure they communicate when they’re feeling particularly bad, and makes sure they go to one another for support for those moments.

Donnie hasn’t made fun of Mikey’s issues once the whole while. Even when Mikey started talking about the dumb nightmares he gets, Donnie had listened intently, and given nothing but reassurances afterwards. No mockery in sight.

Mikey still catches himself waiting for a verbal or physical blow sometimes, but that’s getting to be less and less. He kinda hopes it’ll be not at all sometime soon.

Everything else is great though! They’re both talking and spending time together, they’ve got awesome friends who are doing everything they can to support the two of them, and they’ve got a home all to themselves; one that’s full of plants that make everything smell great and furniture they picked out themselves and new memories they’re building together.

Now that Mikey has most of his anger out, (most, because he doesn’t think he’ll ever get it all out), and his skull isn’t buzzing with repressed emotions all the time, he thinks it’s the happiest he’s felt in a long, long time.

All good things! He’d like it if things would stay that way, at least for a while.

He’s tired of fighting. Tired of dealing with one crisis after another. They had a talk about that too, about being tired of things like that. And about why Mikey suddenly couldn’t control himself so well anymore. Why all the anger came crawling out, even though he’d put so much work into pushing it all down.

Funny thing about trauma, if you stand still long enough for it to catch up, it will. And then the whole game changes.

No more war means no more distractions, and that means they can’t ignore the things that happened over the years any longer. Kind of hard to do that when there’s nothing left to deal with, other than the pieces leftover.

Emotionally speaking, they’re both kind of really fucked up. Mentally speaking too. It’s going to be a long time before that’s not a thing anymore.

But whatever, they’ll get through it. They always do, so why would this be any different? Especially since they’re both going to do their absolute best to be the support they need.

It’s just them now. No dad, no big brothers. They’ve got friends but it’s just not the same.

They’ll figure this out, through talking and googling things and making a lot of tea and popcorn for movie marathons. All good ways of figuring out why something hurts so much, and then moving away from the hurt.

They’ve got this. They’re the B-team- and that’s their name now, not their brothers’ for them, they’re taking it back and making it their own- and they’ve totally got this.

They’ve got each other, and they’re not letting go of that.

Mikey skips back into the station, because he can and no one will make fun of him for doing so, and heads towards the kitchen to grab a couple sodas. Donnie’s setting up the TV for another movie night, because they don’t have training and don’t want to do training anymore. They can decide what they want to do and no one else gets a say in it.

It’s a pretty awesome feeling, that one. Sure they got all sorts of unresolved issues still hanging in the background, but freedom still tastes like freedom and Mikey loves it.

Mikey opens the fridge, grabbing the six-pack of mini-Sprites they nabbed from the grocers the other day. And of course, he pops open the freezer to get kitty from her home. No way could he forget the third member of their household on a movie night.

Ice cream kitty mrowrowrow’s at him as he takes her out, and it’s a bit of a challenge to balance her while she squirms in her newest bowl. He keeps her steady though, and heads back out through the drapes with the first round of snacks for him and Donnie.

“You ready? I’m so hyped to see this movie,” Mikey says as he sets kitty on the coffee table. Said coffee table has taken a couple beatings lately, and he pats a couple scuff marks on its surface. Good coffee table, great job keeping up with their emotional drama. He should get it a doily as reward.

Donnie isn’t answering him, intently focusing on his phone as he stands motionless by the TV. Mikey’s own phone has remained under his mattress since he put it there, so Donnie’s been the only one seeing the messages from their brothers.

“Donnie?” Mikey asks, standing up straighter. “Hey, something wrong?”

Donnie finally hears him, and looks up from his t-phone.

Mikey’s good cheer disappears when he sees the expression on Donnie’s face.

“Mikey,” Donnie says, breathless and quiet. “We have to go back. It’s Raph.”

Continuation.

[championofdnd]

Gonna rant for a bit. Normally I wouldn't put anything about work online but I am so freaking frustrated. I came into this job (Sys Admin) with 0 experience. My boss and team lead knew this. In my interview (with both of them, not with hr) I was very honest about how much I actually knew.

So they hire me for my enthusiasm. I spend the first week getting my work station set up, doing the mandatory trainings, and learning people's names. The standard. And then I ask for work... The team lead is swamped with an emergency fix, use this website to start working on this cert that we want you to get. Okay cool I get it, I'll ask again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the next week... And oh I got access to the servers, I need to go test my log in to ALL of them k. Anything else I can do to break the tedium? Documentation. Documentation of what? Oh right of stuff I haven't been shown how to do... Okay...

Like I can go google how to create a user on the system or how to install an operating system, but that doesn't tell me how your system is set up. Even if i had experience I'd still be asking, hey whats this server for? How do we move code between the environments? What software suites do we use for this task? Do we have a license for this product and what does the license allow? How do we normally access the systems, as root, as an individual user, as a group user?

And since I have 0 experience, I don't always have the right words to ask the question. So I end up with a lot of just show me. But I wouldn't get shown unless I ask 100 times. And I take notes but they aren't perfect so I have to come back later for clarification. But I'm expected to have finished this document on how to do this process I've seen done once so the doc can be used in an AUDIT??? So it has got to be right! And yeah my team lead is to busy to review it...

So I talk to my boss every week or so, how are things going. Well I've been working on the cert training and I've learned this and that recently. Does team lead answer your questions? Yeah sometimes he takes a while to get back cause he's always swamped but he's super friendly about it when I do get ahold of him. (Did I mention I started this job during quarantine, so guess who wasn't physically in the office the first 4months, team lead, so I'm relying on him answering my calls or calling back or responding to email/im). I mention it'll be easier when he can come back into the office but I of course understand why he can't at the moment. So boss asks if I have enough work. Well, I have a hard time getting work from team lead cause he's always swamped so finding time to delegate work is hard especially since he's so used to working alone but I'll keep asking and also since I don't have a lot of experience it can be hard cause he has to set aside to show some basic stuff. But again once he's in the office I'm sure it'll be better. Until then im keeping busy, after all itsy IT there's always plenty to do and it all needed to be done yesterday! So I'll keep working on that cert for now.

I pick up a few new small tasks every week, and report what I'm learning to boss. He double checks I'm busy enough cause he doesn't want me getting bored and leaving, they really want to keep me on. At some point I ask the receptionist if I can help her out with anything since team lead is swamped and my work load is light. I get chewed out by boss a few hours later and team lead calls and says he can give me some work tomorrow (which he does).

So I finally get to start ramping up it seems, boss wants everything I'm learning documented yesterday but I shrug that off cause that's normal IT proceedure. But team lead is still swamped so it takes a day to get answers to anything especially since he's still working from home.

This whole time I'm hearing about all the mistakes my predecessor (actually the last three) made, and how it's left team lead gun shy of trusting people with certain environments. And I'm like you know that's fair, I'm really process driven and quite cautious so I think it will work out. And so I'm like hey why don't I watch you do it a few times and then I'll do it a few times with you watching over my shoulder to point mistakes before I make them and then I can give it a shot on my own. And that's a great approach for me, makes me more comfortable with the work, and it's supposed make my team lead more comfortable.

So we're about 4mos in. Team lead comes back into office. There's some adjustments to be made. My workload is a rollercoaster of several things due yesterday to just doing cert training cause team lead is swamped and I know better by now than to bother asking. I'm still pretty well giving the same update to boss. There's been a few hiccups, missed a meeting here, messed up something small here. I learned how to fix the mistakes, documented everything for future reference. Boss says what matters is we don't make the same mistake twice. And I show where I documented it and I dont make the same mistake twice.

And so month five I ask boss if they're gonna hire me full time (i was on a 6mo trial) and how to start that process. And he says send him my updated resume so they can create a position and he has to double check with team lead just to make sure but that everything should be good to go.

Everything was not good to go. He comes back the next week and says team lead isn't sure I can do the job so I need to work extra hard these next two weeks to prove I can.

And well I deflated. How was I going to prove I could do the job? I'd done the tasks given me. I'd gotten good reviews. Was I asking too many questions? Team lead had commented several times that I didn't ask enough. But I'd only had a month to be able to corner him to ask things. And by this point I knew the answers to the tasks I was given, I'd done them all before. Was it because I'd missed/been late to some meetings? That was on me but it hadn't happened as of late and that mostly seemed to bug my boss not my team lead who brushed it off or missed/was late himself. And I'd fixed that problem. Was it because I wasn't surgically attached to my phone? Seriously get over it. If that's the issue I'm out, and you also need to be more clear on that expectation from the get go. So i spinu wheels and flounder for two weeks the work I'm assigned clearly isn't proving I can do this job amd my motivation flies out the window. It was a bad two weeks and I didn't know how to fix it (honestly I still don't entirely).

Team lead pulls me aside to say boss is very unimpressed (no duh, I've done nothing for two weeks) and wants to know if I still want the job since I've seemed very unenthusiastic as of late. Yes I still want the job. I do actually like the work I've been given. I'll try and fix my attitude (this was on a Thursday, a lot of people don't work Fridays at this office).

Monday the contracting company that's handling this trial period sets up a meeting, with their hr. I'm not meeting snuff. Why. I need to fix this. I need to attend meetings. I need to meet deadlines. Im legit like no duh, if I knew what the issue was I'd of already fixed it. Im as frysty as anyone but sure if it makes you happy I'll say I'll do those things.

Then Tuesday I have the epiphany. This is stupid. Of course I'm not doing the work. The work is pointless from my perspective. It's not gonna prove I deserve the job. It's the same I've been doing for months that I was told was good enough only to find out at the last minute that actually no it wasn't? If course I'm going to struggle. There has been a massive miscommunication here!

So after talking it over with the SO to make sure I'm not crazy and to hash out what I want to say I set up a meeting with my boss. This was last week. Team lead is gone for fourth of july already. I explain my epiphany that if team leads wants me to prove I can do something he needs to give me work that will prove it. I accept I've had a bad few weeks, the trial has been extended a month and I'm ready to bounce back.

Except team lead is gone so I've got the same old work to do that Thursday friy. And I don't do it, I'm still not convinced it matters. We came back in the office on Tuesday. I own up to not having done that work yet but knock it out quickly that morning and start asking questions about my next task. Oh it's the same thing you've done before but on a new server, you need to select one different option when you do it... Oh..kay... Whelp it's gotta be done its a new server I convince myslef this will prove something to team lead and go knock it out. End of the day I swing by to ask a question and team lead had to leave early (it was a legit reason, had to take dog to the vet, but it's annoying at this point). But he didn't bother telling me this, boss has to tell me.

So Wednesday (yesterday) I come in and flounder, I still have the same old tasks. After luch i worj up the resolve to tey asking team lead what else I can do. I can knock out the tasks I have pretty quick. He'll have to find something for me. I don't hear back that day.

So here I am this morning, I'm fed up. SO thinks I should call team lead out to boss. I'm having a hard time with it though. Is it really his fault? Maybe I'm not pushing hard enough for more work? I mean haven't explicitly gone to his office and said give me more challenging work or else. Like how do I say that. At this point I'm struggling to complete the easy tasks I have, why would he give me something harder? But they themselves have said the receptionist could do what I do. I just. I don't want to even bother at this point...

[akampana]

My friend and i came to a interesting conclusion.

We both think that a chance of "redeption" for the way Saberlot is treated by the game could present itself with the possible release of Guinevere as a servant, where we could have her have an event with lancelot that would help clarify things. This comes out of my idea that Lancelot remorse is also greatly influenced by the way he treated her, and the possibility that the forgiveness or punishment he seeks might not come from Arturia, like he thinks.

This however is a double edged sword because 1 50% risk of making her another sexualized stereotype 2 reduce her as another secondary character if not written well enough.

I am also afraid that this could come out incredibly wrong, because i don't think she should simply forgive him, as the way he treated her was incredibly cruel in my opinion. But at the same time, i believe that in order to finally develop his character and break him out of the infamous image, we would also need the third individual integral to the story, and the one i believe suffered directly from its result.

I think Saberlot gets the brunt of the NTR jokes because he's the only one whose fatherhood is so blatant, considering Mash.

I'd hope for a Guinevere servant, but at this point, I'm not sure we'll get one. There's a lot of Arthurian Servants around as is, not even counting the ones coming in the latest LB. But we can still hope. :3

I'd kill for an event but damn. Maybe even just an interlude??? Please??? A lot of the interludes (off the top of my head, I think of Enkidu's) have insanely good writing that really adds to the characters. For Saberlot specifically, I think an interlude set in London would be pretty good, one in which we meet the Knights (including Agravain, because if they aren't gonna give him as a servant, might as well reuse his fcking art), a version of Arturia, and Guinevere.

This is just my personal take:

Based on what we have on Lancelot so far, it seems he's basically just...taking the insults (jokingly perhaps) cause he thinks he probably deserves to be treated that way anyway, on account of his sins. We can also assume Arturia has just preserved the status quo, meaning she hasn't really changed her stance on the cuckolding either.

In his interlude, I think it's important he gets to talk to Tristan, who was the first deserter, Agravain, who discovered the affair, Gareth, who he killed to liberate Guinevere, then Gawain, who prevented him from joining Camlann In that order, where all the knights finally get the opportunity to air out their grievances. Gareth, for example, gets to ask him "why did you kill me when I admired you so much" instead of just being okay with it and continuing to be a Lancelot fangirl. Agravain literally just tears him up without holding back. Gawain finally gets to hash out their issues that did not start and end with the murder of his siblings.

And at the end of it all, Lancelot realizes that they'd all just been keeping the peace, and everyone was just as torn up as he is. Literally no one was as okay as he thought. Which gives him the courage to finally speak up to the person he meets next.

Arturia.

He finally admits that all he wants is punishment. He asks why she wouldn't just give it to him.

And (based on diarmuid's interlude Arturia knows who he is and therefore Fate zero happened you can't change my mind) she flashes back to her battle with him as a Berserker. It makes even more sense now why Berserker was so aggressive toward her.

And then Arturia tells him that she used to lament how it all ended, but that a certain redhead helped her accept the ending she achieved and finally lay to rest. So even as Servants, she doesn't wish to punish Saberlot, and she hopes he'll forgive her wanting to make amends instead. She then advises him to accept his past as well. She has.

So by this time Lancelot's gotten his resolutions from the people that matter most to him. He now understands the Knights' grievances with his sins (and the rather... questionable ways they compensated or covered it up) then eventually realized he would never get punishment from Arturia, but that she has accepted her fate. From what he can tell as well, Arturia has finally lightened up a bit.

So why does he still feel guilty even after all those talks? He still has one more loose end to tie up

This is where we finally get Guinevere (honestly she can have one of those stock faces or something I'd be happy for any Guin content at this point). They discuss what happened with his relationship. He says he's sorry he wasn't around when she died at the convent, she says she's sorry they let their guilt eat at them their whole lives, and that now that he has a second chance, he shouldn't squander it.(bonus if you ship Lancetoria, a subtle reference to that line in Einzbern consultation room where he admits he loved his king more, with which Guinevere laughs and says that she knew that already).

After more discussion on how their relationship ended, Guinevere is able to walk away with a smile as Saberlot returns to Chaldea, this time free of all that burdened him and ready to start again without anything weighing him down.

I just want good things for Lancelot. Really.

(edit: I wasn't able to fit in mo-san and bedi but they could totally talk too)

(edit edit: the other possibility I saw was him talking to servants that went through something similar, i.e. lancer Diarmuid (their legends are literally the quite the same) and maybe Fionn(but don't quote me on that idk enough about his fgo version yet)

[in-dire-need]

OK, I’M SICK- Badflower

OK, I’M SICK was released in 2019 as upcoming band Badflower’s first full-length album. Every single track on the album has gotten its due share of the spotlight as the album climbed the billboard charts. A band that was once the underdog of the rock scene became a renowned name almost overnight. Frontman Josh Katz ties personal experiences into emotional stories to create the perfect blend of heart wrenching and riveting.

Opening track “x ANA x” serves as the perfect introduction to the chaotic world of Badflower. Its extremely powerful, vulgar, and aggravated sound welcomes all the chaos that is to come. Frontman Josh Katz had spoken out about his growing issues on tour before the creation of this album: he would have panic attacks every night on stage and could hardly stand to look at himself when off stage. His anxiety grew to such a high level that he was prescribed Xanax to calm down. “x ANA x” is written as a love letter to the prescription drug, which Katz had now developed a dependency for. He tells ‘Ana’ that even though she saves him from his demons, he can’t breathe with her around. He craves the feeling of being himself again, but he craves her more. He explains the awful life he lives without her, then the instrumentals slow down as an auditory example of the effect Xanax has on a person. He begs her not to let him lose control over himself, so he keeps her around as he destroys himself.

"The Jester” waited almost an entire year after its initial release to bask in its well-earned fame, when a well-deserved music video and an acoustic adaptation were released. Josh expresses that he feels like a source of comedic entertainment for others, as if he is only there as a jester. Everyone is just fucking him over, letting him run in circles for their own amusement. 

The next track is an extremely emotional one and if you deal with sensitivity toward subjects involving depression and/or suicide, I suggest you skip past this paragraph. “Ghost” was first released as a single before being added to the set of the album. Badflower’s raw performance on The Late Night Show With James Corden is what attracted so many initial listeners to them. The lyrics depict the narrative of someone who has attempted suicide by self-harm multiple times, but has never succeeded. He thinks about how he is a constant let-down to his friends and a disappointment to his family. He wants to give in and try again, but he is worried that he will fail once more and that his pain will continue. At the same time, he wants someone to save him from this endless loop of self-destruction that he has caught himself in. He finally makes up his mind and attempts to kill himself once more. As the blood leaves his body and his vision goes dark he regrets not telling his family that he loves them and not leaving a letter. He admits that the thought of regretting what he did is so fucked up and, at the very end of the song, his last attempt succeeds in taking his life out of his hands. In another interview, Josh disclosed that the true inspiration behind the gut-wrenching, graphic track was fortunately not from a personal experience. He explained that during tour his mental health had severely deteriorated, as mentioned in “x ANA x,” and he was considering harming himself. Instead, he wrote “Ghost” to keep him from making that mistake for himself. Not only did this intent work for him, but possibly millions of people in the same situation. “Ghost” appears as a gruesome depiction of humanity’s lowest point, but actually serves as a beacon of hope for the many that are unfortunate enough to be living that reality.

Now that that emotional hashing is through, let’s progress through the rest of the album. The next wave of songs depicts individual stories of different people in extremely different situations. “We’re In Love” presents the conflict of a man struggling with his sexual identity as he begins having a sexual relationship with another man. He has never been with a man before and struggles with accepting who he is. “Promise Me” is a sweet-sounding track that expresses putting your all into a relationship just for it to be torn away from you as you and your partner grow older. This song was inspired by Katz’s fear of growing old and losing his loved ones.  At the end of the trifecta, “Daddy” tells the story of a girl who was sexually abused by her alcoholic father from a very young age. The trauma permanently scars her, so when her father is hospitalized at an old age she smothers him to death as payment for all the years he stole from her.

“24″ returns the focus back to Katz’s own personal experiences in a sedated and calmed intermission. He reminisces about when he was younger and had a life ahead of him. He had hopes, dreams, and passion. In the present, he struggles with depression, anxiety, and drug addiction. This calls back to the continuing theme of Katz feeling worthless, as he states that his friends should let him die because he is too afraid to be alive. The next track was featured as a single, on the band’s EP Temper, and on OK, I’M SICK. Whereas “x ANA x” compared a drug to a person, “Heroin” does just the opposite. The song was originally released in 2014, five years before its release on the album. It is tied with “Ghost” for what is the band’s most emotionally raw performance. Josh knows that the girl he is with is wrong for him and is toxic, but he finds himself addicted to her. She treats him horribly, but he constantly finds himself going back to her. He knows that in the long-term he will escape his addiction to her, but cannot find it in himself at the time. It has become somewhat of an anthem for people that have been trapped in toxic or abusive relationships and has inspired many to stand up when found in that situation.

The calm atmosphere created by the last two tracks is destroyed as the hardcore, violent, and extremely offensive song written about people that are so afraid of change that they bring an entire nation down. Though many think that “Die” is directly aimed at Donald J. Trump, Katz has stated that it is not. Many of the lyrics point toward that conclusion, since many of the people that the song is truly aimed at are grouped in with Trump supporters. Keeping with the violent political scene, “Murder Games” solidifies Katz’s vehement stance on veganism and the consumption of meat. “Girlfriend” serves as yet another action-packed, graphic, and vulgar piece of insight into the real world. To put it simply, a man goes onto an online dating service to find love and becomes obsessed with an attractive woman’s profiles to the point where he imagines cutting her open and tasting her blood.

“Wide Eyes” continues the stories of people in horrible situations, telling the story of an altar boy who was sexually abused by the priests in his Church. He hid what happened to him from his loved ones in fear of being named a liar and being alienated from the Church. During the breakdown, he finally gives in and comes out about how the priests treated him. He accepts that he has become the shame of the Church and has been twisted into the bad guy. The album ends in the exact opposite place to where it started. “Cry” is a soft ballad about emotional pain that utilizes the use of metaphors and imagery to describe the action without actually using the word ‘cry’. 

OK, I’M SICK has not only brought the band to an amazing place, but has brought Josh Katz to a better mental state. Thousands of fans worldwide have been affected by the words contained in this masterpiece, and have even been given the will to keep going. That being said, it is very clear that there are two continuing themes throughout the album: Josh’s personal struggles and the struggles of other people in these horrible situations. This album covers an extremely broad scale, ranging from suicide to internet stalking to sexual abuse. This not only raises awareness to these issues that plague the world, but serve as a message to all people personally dealing with them. By telling the stories of these people, Badflower has given real-world survivors a safe space to open up about their struggles and the memories that follow them. This atmosphere is what brings listeners to cherish this band because Badflower is more than just a band and OK, I’M SICK is more than just an album. Badflower is a home. A haven. Somewhere that, despite all the world’s troubles and grievances and sickness, you can feel safe. When most bands tell a story, that’s all it is. A story. By connecting to this vulnerable and powerless side of humanity, OK, I’M SICK crosses the line from story to message. It is a message telling you to keep going and to cherish the good that you have. It is a message telling you that the situation you are in now is under your control and that things will get better. Nothing is permanent, and that is both a good thing and a bad thing. So relax. Go enjoy yourself.

“Okay, I’m sick! Not the kind of sick that lands you in the doctor, Not the kind that makes you weak and then heals you stronger, It's the kind of sick that turns your legs into spaghetti. It’s the kind of sick that makes your blood burn and your bones heavy. The kind of sick that makes an atheist pray for Jesus. The kind of sickness that turns your power into weakness. And I'm sick of being sick for this whole fucking place to witness. And I'm living a sick life that most people call privileged. And they're kinda right, but I’m still sicker than I can cope with.”

[uk-news-talking-politics]

Marcus Rashford and the rise of the political influencers

By Tom Westgarth and Walter Pasquarelli

Politicians are not known for their humility. However, as the second wave of the coronavirus swept through Britain, Conservative MP Steve Baker wasn’t afraid to show some on social media.

Baker had been asked by Manchester United footballer Marcus Rashford to allow him to reply to the MP’s Tweet about extending the school meals vouchers given to children from lower socioeconomic backgrounds to a later date (Baker had turned off the ‘reply’ function). Baker replied, arguing that these measures would cause severe economic harm.

But the most interesting part of Baker’s response wasn’t the economic claim. His response stated: “You have 3.4 million followers Marcus, to my 96k. The power is yours here”. The white flag of surrender had been raised; Baker’s relatively smaller following meant that he had lost the online argument. The government later pledged £400 million to tackle living costs over the next 12 months for the most disadvantaged families.

Despite being one of the most influential backbenchers in the country, somebody who has one-to-one’s with prime minister Boris Johnson; how did Steve Baker succumb to feelings of powerlessness in the face of a footballer? At what point did a combination of an inspirational backstory and enormous online presence become more pivotal to shaping public policy than being an elected official?

The answer to this question cannot be realised without understanding ‘influencers’. Defining an ‘influencer’ is actually surprisingly hard to do, but they can essentially be described as individuals or small groups that exert a topical influence over a certain group of people through their online presence.

This could take the form of vloggers via their YouTube channel, or celebrities who are highly active on social media. Whilst Rashford’s initial celebrity came from a more traditional background (as a sports star), his consistent online activities mean he likely falls into such a bucket. Vlogging to a camera and casual tweeting evoke a sense of ‘relatability’ that distinguishes influencers from regular celebrities.

Internet sensations of this kind are highly sought after by brands, who pay them handsomely to promote various kinds of products. What gives these brands the bang for their buck is not the influencer’s industry knowledge, but the charismatic authority they exercise.

Despite this, many may dismiss influencers as irrelevant to social affairs. Critics lambast them as superficial figures that care more about views than values. They are often seen as symbolic of a generation glued to their screens on platforms that are eviscerating adolescent mental health.

But what these attacks on influencers appear to miss isn’t to do with their values. It is that their power is significantly underestimated. Part of the reason why the British government made such a hash of the Rashford-school meals saga was that they failed to predict the cut-through that a young, black footballer would have with the wider public.

Not every influencer has the sort of power Marcus Rashford has. But the political domain has evolved to a point where there are more than a handful of Rashford-like individuals out there. Governments and political parties need to recognise this, as influencers will increasingly start to engage in political activity.

***

At the heart of this trend is an ongoing seismic shift as to whom we trust and ascribe authority of knowledge production.  Now, this did not happen overnight of course, but it is part of an ever changing historical process.

In the beginning there was God. For centuries the church and its representatives were seen as the sole and only fountain of truth.

Then came science. In a large part of the West, science replaced religious belief as the main source of truth. The scientific method offered an alternative to the dogmatic teachings of the church, allowing flexibility to approve and reject previously-held beliefs as our methods and accuracy of inquiry evolved.

Such progress produced the internet. This provided everyone with a voice and ability to both obtain as well as disseminate information. But online, often authority can be associated with whoever shouts the loudest.

Academic and intellectual institutions, seen as the bastion of scientific progress, now come under fire. Facing charges of group think and reductive analysis, they no longer possess the same authority as they did in previous decades.

Simple analysis, and social media platforms that prefer disseminating information through retweets, shares and followers, are what makes the age of influencers so prevalent. It is under these environments that influencers are emerging as a new voice of trustworthiness, providing an alternative source of truth and knowledge. The follower count, amount of engagement and interaction have become a direct source validating their credibility akin to academic citations.

The internet and digital technologies created a vacuum as to who should be wearing the crown of trust. With traditional sources of authority becoming ever-less relevant, influencers have become credible actors for filling this gap.

*** It would be a mistake to ascribe influencers' success merely to some shallow numbers though. There is a much deeper connection, a unique relationship that they build with their followers, which makes them crave for new content like the new season of a real-life character from their favorite Netflix series.  The intimate nature of this informational distribution, where a creator is speaking down the lens of their camera, makes viewers feel as if they have a special relationship with the influencer - which is a trait that fundamentally distinguishes them from celebrities who are perceived as being polished, even from another planet.

Kenneth Burke described this phenomenon in his 1969 piece “A Rhetoric of Motives”. Burke explained that humans have an urge to identify with other groups and people. As biologically separate beings, humans seek to overcome this state of separateness through communication, music, red MAGA caps, you name it.

In times of identity politics, when voters formulate their political priorities based on the identity they espouse, influencers are set to accumulate increasing power over setting the tone. Influencers speak like you and I, fire updates in a continuous loop, broadcasting a shared sense of identity unifying a critical mass of people under a common purpose.

It is this cocktail of omnipresence and relatability that creates a weird attachment and ultimately loyalty - the most valuable currency in the political casino.

***

The UK government thought they had seen the last of Rashford over summer, once they had awarded him an MBE. Many viewed this honour as a cynical but deserved ploy to keep the Manchester striker on side. Of course, somebody as driven by the issue as Rashford ploughed on, forcing the prime minister to call the 23 year-old in order to assure him that the government was on the right track. This should serve as a case study for governments worldwide trying to work out how to engage with powerful influencers on matters of public policy.

Should they bring them on side, early doors, in order to keep them within touching distance? People are less likely to decry governments if they have a seat at the table.

The answer to this depends on several factors. One is, of course, the issue at hand. A less controversial issue may warrant greater collaboration. For example, the Sidemen, a group of British YouTubers with over 10 million subscribers, made a widely shared ‘Stay at Home’ video during the first wave of COVID-19. However, anti-establishment parties, in turn, could use influencers to destabilise the status quo from the outside.

Eventually, there may well be a point where such influencers decide to become politicians themselves. In the game of politics, the ability to carry millions with you on issues that one cares about is a highly valuable currency. If it is possible to have the adoration that many have for the likes of Trump, Farage and Johnson, without the detractors, then this makes for unbelievably powerful leadership qualities.

Objections to this belief are reasonable. Currently, influencers curry favour with a young audience that is widely geographically dispersed. In many voting systems, this will mean that building a significant coalition of support would be tough.

However, many influencers are moving away from youth-facing platforms into the ‘mainstream media’. KSI, a British YouTuber who came to fame playing FIFA in his bedroom, is now a chart-topping rapper. He twice sold out huge arenas to have a boxing bout against American vlogger Logan Paul (whose own charisma helped him recover from major controversies). These stars are by no-means ‘staying in their lane’, meaning they will capture both traditional and new forms of public life. When will we have our first YouTuber politician?

Finally, there seems to be little sign that Marcus Rashford is stopping. Not only has he released a BBC documentary on food poverty, he has partnered with publisher Macmillan to promote reading for economically disadvantaged children. Maybe he will stand for parliament one day, maybe he won’t. What is clear, though, is that influencers have the potential to become serious political players in the issues of tomorrow. But perhaps this time the politicians in question won’t come of age playing at Eton, but playing Esports.

Tom Westgarth and Walter Pasquarelli are policy consultants at Oxford Insights. They specialise in understanding trends in emerging technologies and AI.

[spnopineapples]

SPOILERS AHEAD, BIG SPOILERS!! WATCH YOSELVES! Specifically for Last of Us Part 2.

.......

Man why don't they have read more below the cut anymore. Silly Tumblr.

Has this been enough time to look away?

Sorry this is so long by the way. (Not sorry)

......

SPOILERS.

Alright. So I'm lots of hours into gameplay. I think up towards 20 of LoU2 and for the life of me I still do not understand why there is such a big subset of people that bombed this game in the user reviews (just saw it pop up in my reddit feed, refuse to read cause I ain't done with the game yet). Given the time frame of the bombing and how many bombers I am making a pretty valid assumption that none of them had finished the game or even gotten that far in before posting their reviews.

BOTTOM LINE UP FRONT: This game DOES NOT deserve a 3.4 out of 10 in the user reviews. It's too good (so far) for that.

I can think of only a few reasons for this subset of persons.

1. It's actually that bad. [Highly suspect, but then again I haven't finished the game yet]

2. They didn't like the fact that (SPOILER) Joel died. [A big possibility cause boy howdy that put me in a mood, but I'd be damned if that natural history museum flashback didn't give me ALL THE FEELS]

3. They don't like that Ellie is gay. [Which I didn't think would be an issue so much because it's pretty explicit in Left Behind and we've already hashed this out goddamnit]

4. Kind of ties to above but they found out about certain characters and their stories or designs and they think Naughty Dog is pushing an "agenda". BIG SPOILERS. Off the top of my head: I have already heard someone complain about Abby being jacked beyond a woman's capability.... which is bullshit. Given her drive to avenge her father and the equipment WLF provided for training (which they showed the bloody gym where she had about 3 years to train within shouting distance of her assigned room plus the obvious infrastructure that WLF had of food reserves which would allow her to grow those muscles and not just be lean) and the fact that it clearly shows flash backs of her without muscle and then progressed to a flashback of her with muscle improvement and stating "I pushed 185 today." I think people don't realize that there are women out there capable of that body frame and strength. Not a lot. But certainly Abby has some very compelling motivation to be like that plus seemly blessed with some genes that allow for it (height and build) / Lev is a trans-man or boy (13 years old btw which is on the cusp of when it is common for individuals to develop body dysphoria or body dysmorphic) from a religious cult that is trying to kill him for being an "abomination" [This is a possible reason. I hope this isn't the reason though for the review bombing because it's not like this was an in your face kind of thing. They didn't make a big deal out of any of it in my opinion. The real focus of the plot so far has been revenge and the cyclic nature of violence begetting violence. And if there are people hung up on these characters for those reasons they need to get a life or just pretend otherwise... or.. you know.... not play the game. There's an option.]

5. There are some graphic scenes of both death and torture (much more so than I remember from LoU1) and there are also scenes of weed usage and sex (not so much the fact that one of the makeout scenes is Ellie with another woman, Dina) but more of the fact that there's just straight up nudity and sex with Abby and Owen. Which seems prudish but realize that some people just think it's inappropriate. Which (imo) is a bit silly. [Possibly but not buying it from so many people].

In conclusion I think the reason for the review bombing is mainly 2 and 4. Which. Man, I kind of get it (about 2, Joel dying) but not really. It had to happen and honestly the hints in the very first trailer were always there. Maybe they just thought it wouldn't happen as fast. For those doing it cause of 4. Well.... I mean fuck off. It's not an agenda. These characters are just litterally existing. Their traits and character design litterally have NO bearing on the plot except maybe Lev and that's a side plot not the main storyline (so far). As I've mentioned, haven't played the whole game.

REGARDLESS. NO ONE SHOULD BE BOMBING A GAME BEFORE THEY EVEN PLAY. That's fucking cancel culture and both sides (libs and conservatives) fucking use it and all of us need to stop. Cancel culture is the stupidest fucking thing ever. Your opinion doesn't spin the world dipshits. And this is directed at everyone who does this. I have examples from both sides of the political spectrum and frankly all y'all can keep your filthy canceling and drama-ridden, guilt-trippin mouth-breathing off MY entertainment media. It's fucking entertainment. I'm going to enjoy it regardless of anyone's bloody opinions.

Also don't be an asshole and rate something you have no knowledge or only biased "knowledge" on.

So far this is a great game. And depending on the end (since, you know, I HAVEN'T FINISHED IT YET AND CAN'T HAVE AN OPINION TIL I DO SO) I will more than likely put my own user review in to all the sites in order to correct the wrong that has been done.

[magpiemorality]

Virgil and Deceit (but mostly Deceit), a ramble by me

I got ideas for days about these boys, lemme tell you.

I already sorta touched on Deceit and Virgil a bit in the last ramble, but the connection between them and their huge difference to the other sides is just too interesting not to talk about further (and yes Remus is also different but for a whole other reason that deserves it’s own post).

So in the last ramble I went over how I think Patton could be responsible in his emotional reaction to his moral conflict for creating Virgil and then Deceit. Deceit either with, through or fuelled by Virgil’s power in some way (the latter I think is less likely as I'm of the strong opinion that a lot of Virgil's anxious existence stems from Patton feeding Thomas's insecurities rather than creating the anxiety himself autonomously and then passing it on to, in this case, Patton).

People in the fandom talk about who the opposites are of each side kinda a lot, creating these diametrically opposed pairs, and while I'm not sure that's entirely accurate and is kind of an oversimplification of each one individually; there is something to be said for certain sides being practically anathema to one another, but that’s the second topic I’ve mentioned now that I’ll get to in it’s own time. The subject itself however, implies that each side is created equal, and that now that we have 6 sides that each one matches up nicely. Which, well, they don’t. For one because there’s almost certainly more sides out there, and for two? Because not all sides are created equal.

Virgil and Deceit, for example, don't necessarily feel like sides of Thomas's personality in the way the others do; so much as a tool that interacts with that personality and is entirely influenced by the other sides, and just so happens to have developed into an entity of their own because of the other sides and Thomas's perception of them as separate parts of his identity (read: Patton’s perception of them as separate parts of Thomas in order to distance himself from them as parts of himself). 

What I mean by sides of the personality and not, is as follows: for Patton for example; emotions and morality (and the difference between those two things makes me wonder curiously if there's a head canon to have about two smaller sides merging at some stage...) are fundamental basics of any person, just like logic (in his base form as essentially education and knowledge) and creativity (essentially being original thought) are. I’d argue it’s almost entirely impossible to have a human that isn’t comprised of those three things. 

Deceit (who should really be named Denial, and my two cents here is that Daniel would make a great name reveal for him but that's neither here nor there) however, is what Patton put into place in order to both hide certain Anxiety-inducing parts of himself and keep Thomas convinced- for what Patton clearly believes is Thomas's own good- that he's a good person because he doesn't have those aspects at all. Lying to yourself isn't a personality trait in and of itself; but something quite different. In the case of the Sanders Sides series I guess we could consider him a lackey for Patton- his 2IC in maintaining Thomas's sense of inherent goodness as a person. I'm surprised Deceit wasn't more miffed by Patton's opposition to his job, and I have my fingers firmly crossed that they'll hash it out at some point. I mean really- even the Are There Healthy Distractions video was full of Deceit's handiwork- it's textbook denial to distract from an issue and take your mind off it. And Logan pointed out exactly how that can be good for you, right...? In fact; Logan in Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts went against Patton’s Patented Moral Compass quite a lot while pointing out what Remus was (just a part of Thomas’s imagination) and why he was only personified as bad because Thomas (and Patton) had decided he was (and no I’m totally not worried for Logan because I think he’s going to be the side to push Patton into dangerous self-reflection and force him to face his actions and consequences and therefore come under fire from Mr. All-Powerful... But that’s also for a different ramble).

Now going back a bit to pre-Deceit (if I was a better writer I'd have done this in order); Virgil/Anxiety was most likely formed early on when Patton started to emotionally react badly to being confronted by those parts of Thomas that morally he doesn't think he should have. He maybe took the place of a much smaller and weaker Fear (fear of the unknown, instinctive fear, survival instinct) that had been around for a long time as Patton distanced himself from his own conflict and brought it to life as Anxiety instead, and was just allowed to really flourish while Patton was fuelling him unconsciously (maybe a little bit consciously). And I'm so convinced it was Patton because why would Roman as ‘original thought’ be at all bothered by his own intrusive side at that stage? Why would Logan be bothered by anything internally when he's generally not that kind of emotive? Only Patton has the motive and profile to instigate Virgil's growth, and it's entirely reasonable to me that as Virgil got a bit out of hand, Patton took it upon himself to sort things out for Thomas. (Even as I'm writing this I'm wondering if its possible that Logan was involved, with his calm and blunt solutions to problems, that at that stage may not be as well researched and healthy as they are now... But I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he would have advised against it for Thomas's sake and must therefore have not known about the situation, especially with his track record of having Thomas face his own truths recently.)

And that's not even going into depth on Remus... Guess that makes Patton a real deadbeat dad, of three poor misunderstood Dark Sides. One a worrying mirror of the worst parts of himself (Virgil); one just trying to work hard to please him (Deceit) and one who literally doesn’t know any better and was given up for adoption away from his picture perfect twin. 

Gosh I hope they address some of this! :D

[necroarchy]

   Terenas dearly, genuinely loved both of his children. Dearly. He was as good a father to them as he could be. He was definitely one of the better blue-blooded parents out there.

   That does not mean he was perfect.

   Whether it’s just nostalgia or actual fact, everyone remembers Terenas as one of the Good Kings of Azeroth. He was kind, benevolent, and genuinely invested in the welfare of his kingdom and subjects. He took his position of sovereignty seriously, and taught Arthas to do the same. Y’all see how much Arthas loved his people? How his justifications were that he was doing what he did for his people? I’ll bet you a trillion gold that it was his dad that taught him to be like that. Terenas was Lordaeron’s Marcus Aurelius, so tbh Arthas turning out to be a little Commodus-like shouldn’t have been that surprising. Terenas was a great king, and he wanted his son to be one, too. And Arthas wanted it as well.

    The issue with being a great king, though, is that it’s a hell of an act to follow.

     I mean. Arthas’ inferiority issues were visible from space. He had a constant need to prove that he was good enough, that he was ready, that he wouldn’t ruined Lordaeron when his time came. Dad was a fantastic monarch, so everyone expected him to be a fantastic monarch, and Arthas just did not have the confidence in himself to be that. He really didn’t. Invincible’s death traumatized him so badly because one of his first experiences in being responsible for something / someone ended with him having to euthanize his charge.

    Terenas… I don’t think he ever really addressed these issues of Arthas’. I don’t know if he ever noticed them. Arthas never quite developed fully as an individual, and I don’t know if his dad did anything to help him in that regard. I feel like Terenas would have focused on the “ Become a good king for your people ” aspect of Arthas’ growing up and not the “ Become comfortable with who you are and accept your limitations ” aspect. Not maliciously, of course, but he very likely just… kind of took Arthas’ personal growth for granted, put his people ( subconsciously ) before his son, because Good Kings sacrifice for their subjects, and what’s one boy’s self-worth in the face of a thousand thousand faces who will need someone to look to once your heart stills and your breath stops?

    Again, though --- I don’t think he’d make that decision consciously. Terenas was also a good dad, and a good dad who knows that their kid is having the sort of issues Arthas had would sit said kid down and talk with them. Figure out how to help them with their issues. Communicate. Terenas very likely didn’t notice ( good dad does not equal perceptive dad, and being a king can be very distracting ) so it’d have been up to Arthas to mention to his father that he needed help.

    … Which I really, really doubt he’d have ever done if he was even consciously aware of his own issues, but that’s a whole other meta. When there’s a plague or a famine or whatever sweeping across the country, and your father is the one who’s expected to have an answer on how to solve the crisis, you don’t really bother him with little things like crises of faith or feelings of incompetence.

    So Arthas, I think, never really hashed things out with Terenas like he probably needed to, and Terenas most likely unintentionally stunted Arthas’ growth as an individual in favor of grooming Arthas as a king. And this led to the kind of a kid who culls a city to save it from itself, who burns down his soldiers’ ships and blames it on the mercenaries he hired so he can avenge his people, who takes up a soul-eating sword to go kick a Dreadlord’s smarmy ass back to Nathreza.

    Please note: None of this is to say that Terenas deserved to get stabbed, or that Arthas deserves to not get judged as harshly as possible for turning into what he does. None of this. Cool motive, still murder, all that rot.

[the-canary]

Starlight - B.B (3/6)

Summary: Mysterious, but life changing things always happen if you just let life take its course – you decided to try it for once. (Modern AU!Reader/Bucky Barnes).

Prompt: Emily Dickinson: XXI

Masterlist

Part 1 | Part 2 

A/N: This is for @abovethesmokestacks ‘s Summer Writing Challenge.  At the end, I am not trying to make the main character seem vain or greedy, as shown with the constellation’s background story, but the beauty and other things that she holds from Bucky’s POV. Just wanted to point that out. 

Feedback is always welcomed.

As much as Bucky loves traveling and seeing the stars from all types of different scenery while enjoying the type nature that you just can’t get in New York, he still has his bad days. There are days were he shuts himself in his hotel for days, where the screams and darkness living within his mind suffocate him. There are other days where he is completely numb, ignoring the red in his eyes and the red from where he scratches too hard -- but, he thinks he deserves it after all he has done.

It’s one of those times when he slowly makes his way way into central Arizona after spending some time in Utah. From the very beginning, Bucky felt like something was off -- he was too hot, the desert reminded him too much of his time back in the Army, and the coldness that settled over the desert dug too deeply into the scar tissue of his left arm and the invisible wounds that ran up and down his body.  

“ Hey Sam ,” he calls his sometimes friend after being woken up by the hotel staff -- his neighbors had given numerous complaints throughout the night of his screaming.

They threaten to kick him out without remorse, worst case scenario they call the police, but Bucky leaves to another hotel closer to the road  before they can.

“ Hey Stevie ,” he cries to his sleepy best friend, as the unfriendly darkness (the one without stars) causes him to cry all night, though he tries to muffle the sound until he gets two hours of fitful sleep.

He’s no good, is all Bucky can think to himself, as tears stains run down his cheeks and there’s a heavy feeling in his chest. He turns over and reaches out for his little journal. Blue eyes stare that the picture tapped in the beginning for a long time, as he wishes a certain someone was here with him but at the same time, wishes (and is happy) she is so far from him -- probably has already forgotten about him. He lets out another choked sob at the thought.

He’s no good for anybody.  

 Arizona has to be the worst state you have ever been to, though it wasn’t you’re doing -- everything just seems against from the beginning. You had felt a sense of renewal after coming back from New Mexico and it showed in both your professional and personal life, as you finished projects with stellar praise from your superiors and you had even gone out a couple of times with your friends and had even started talking to Wanda every once and awhile. Things were going great and then your supervisor, Mrs. Hill, had decided to send you to a week long seminar in Arizona, and while you had been excited in the beginning -- the traveling details, extra work hours, and general disregard for your health slowly changed your mood. It also didn’t help that it was the fucking middle of summer and your mother had been in the same area, through her own work was well, causing you to meet up as a result for a quick family dinner. However you should know by now those never ended well.

This what you do, what a disappointment. No romantic life either, what good are you  for anyways?

By midweek, you were tired from the lack of sleep and anxiety running through your veins leading to you  sitting in the middle of your room with your notebook, hoping that writing might calm you down like it usually did -- it wasn’t doing a good job. You wanted to go home, you wanted someone to tell you it was going to be all right, but even with all the small changes that you had been making… you didn’t have any of that. Why didn’t you? Weren’t you good enough? Was your mother right about the choices you had made since leaving her home all those years ago?

The anxiety and suffocating loneliness becomes too much, as you walk out of your hotel room in shorts and a old t-shirt to look for a vending machine, just to get out of your head and focus on something else -- that’s when you see him standing next to your destination, red-eyed with shaggy clothing and hair as you stop breathing for a moment.

The universe always knows what you need, as your grandmother used to say.  

 Flagstaff, AZ

“Bucky?” a soft voice drags Bucky from his endless tasks of counting the stars from his current viewpoint. It wasn’t enough, but it was better than staying in his room by his lonesome, but the sound of that voice makes him think he’s finally lost it. Why would she be here of all places?

He wipes away the sleep from his eyes, to make sure he isn’t dreaming, “Doll, what ya doing here?”

You smile as the sound of his voice, as you step a bit closer to him. You both look like individual wrecks in the middle of the night, but seeing him just lifts your spirits like they haven’t been in a long while. He straightens himself up, as you look at the machine trying to pick what to choose, as you explain that you are here for work purposes and he tells you that he’s still traveling, actually on his way to see the Grand Canyon. With the trade of plenseteries over, there is only one other ignored issue  to bring up between the two of you -- the elephant in the room, and you ask first.

“Can’t sleep?” you ask timidly as red-rimmed blue eyes look at you before turning to look at the dark canopy he knows like the back of his hand, but sometimes it can feel disorentiening, like he’s a little kid afraid of the dark. He shakes his head and tries to stay nonchalant about the whole situation, he doesn’t need to burden you with his problems.

“Can’t sleep. Nightmares,” he explains with a shrug, as your brittle smile takes him by surprise. Your next words do even more so.  

“Ah, insomnia,” you tell him you own problems with a light laugh that cracks in the end. You put a dollar and some change into the machine only to pick up a small candy bar afterwards, but it isn’t enough as your stomach growls even harder after you finish said morsole, the lack of food and general sickness you have been avoiding is finally catching up with you, as you look away from Bucky in embarrassment for a moment -- only for his stomach to return your stomach’s call.  

“Do you wanna get something to eat?” you laugh, loud and sweetly, as Bucky feels his face get hotter for a moment. He is ready to deny your invitation --he doesn’t want you to be wasting your time or money on him more than you have to-- until you add with a smile, “I’ve got a company card.”  

“Well, I can’t say no to that,” Bucky lets out with a chuckle, as he watches your face light up like a Christmas light, though he doesn’t exactly understand why. You tell him to wait and run down the hall to where your room is, as Bucky shakes his head unsure of what he got himself into but appreciating whatever had brought you to him for the night.

You run back outside with your keys and wallet, as you motion for Bucky to follow you to the white rental car that was parked not that far away from your room’s location. He can’t help but shake his head at your sudden enthusiasm, but he can’t feel like it’s warming up his bones and chasing all the voices in his head for a moment. As he gets into the car and you head down a little ways to find a diner that caught your interest earlier in the week, you are both happy to not be spending another night alone.

 Once you enter the 24-hour diner,  the two of you realized that you were both hungrier than you had originally thought, since you end up ordering a big breakfast with hash browns, Bucky does the same but with an additional side of pancakes. Though it was silent as you stuffed your faces, you started to talk about anything that comes to mind as he tells you about Steve and Sam, while you talk about work and Wanda. Once you have talked about all of them, you get down to the real business at hand -- stars.

“I graduated not that long ago and I wanted to celebrate,” Bucky explains bashfully on how he got the idea for his star journey after finally getting his Bachelor’s degree, but instead of being met with disbelief or apprehension, all he can see is pure amazement on your face, “Wanted to see what I fought so hard for.”

“That’s amazing, Bucky,” your smile dazzles him completely, as you stop to tell the waitress that you need two chocolate cakes with scoop of vanilla ice cream, much to his embarrassment.   

“What about you? What made you go to New Mexico?” he questions as he leans a bit more, his blue eyes meeting yours and waiting for an answer because since the very beginning --with you coming into Inwood Park wearing a business suit but with all the curiosity in the world in your bright eyes-- he wondered why you were so into stars.

“I think I’m trying to look for something,” you start explaining softly while having Bucky’s undivided attention, “My grandma died a while back and left me a lot of her art, all of which was stars. It wasn’t until recently I finally got to take a good look at them, I didn’t know a single constellation nor its meaning. I just feel like I need to know now, like I owe it too her, ya know?”

You give him a watery smile before wiping a stray tear from you eye, as he grasps your hand for moment, “I’m sure she would be proud of you, doll. Taking the first step is never easy.”

You give him a nod, unsure of whether your voice is going to crack or not if you try thanking him. However, the mood quickly passes as the waitress comes back with your desserts. You hum in appreciation at the sight of the chocolate cake before taking your spoon in celebration.

“To you, Bucky, for graduating and taking this journey!” you declare before taking a bite, as Bucky just shakes his head in embarrassment.  

“To you and your grandma,” he says, though not as loud as you. And you stay there for awhile, simply enjoying each other’s company.

 The drive back to the hotel is quieter as the lack of sleep and heavy food begins to hit both of you, and you’re thankful that the diner wasn’t that far since your eyelids are dropping as you park in the hotel once more. You stay there, in a hazy sort of happiness and ready to go to sleep only to feel someone opening the driver side door and picking you up. You turn your head only slightly to see Bucky with the same haze taking over his eyes, though there is a satisfied smile on his face.

“Time for bed, Sleeping Beauty,” he states and you briefly wonder if this was how Bucky usually acted with all the ladies or if it was the sleep deprivation talking, but you don’t say anything as he carries to your room and opens the door. He sets you down as softly as he can. A soft touch to your forehead before he gets up to leave, though he is apprehensive to be left alone in his room once more, especially after spending all this time with you. However, a light touch to his right hand causes him to look down once more.

“Stay,” you whimper out, as blue eyes widen for a moment at the thought that you don’t want to be alone either. He wants to say no, scared of what might happen if he falls asleep, of how he could hurt, but your hold on his hand tightens and you drag him down a bit, “ Please. ”   

The sound of your voice and the shimmer of your sleepy eyes break Bucky very easily, as he lays down as you move to the other side a bit more. Due to you holding his hand, he is facing you in the center of the bed, as he tries his hardest to keep his left arm from you, just to protect you a bit -- as best as he can. You give him one last smile while holding his hand, but leaving a gap between the two of you.

“Goodnight Bucky,” you sigh before closing your eyes and letting slumber drag you away for the first time in a week, blue eyes watch as your breathing begins to slow down and light snoring escapes your parted lips. Bucky yawns and the soft warmth next to him slowly begins to drag him to sleep as well, though he does try to fight it here and there.

“Goodnight,” he whispers out your name before setting down into a dreamless sleep.

You end up missing those morning workshops for the seminar, though you can’t help but agree that it is the best sleep you had gotten in some time, though it is a little embarrassing to have woken up to tangled limbs and a soft caress of your name on his lips -- but, you would never tell him that.

 The few remaining days you have in Arizona are spent with Bucky as much as you can. In the mornings, you go to all the workshops and network the best you can, but the afternoon and evening are spent eating, exchanging stories, or simply driving aways out to the desert and talking (and by extension taking pictures or writing down things) about all the stars he knows and you want to learn of. Though for tonight, you were simply lying down on your bed together, trading stories after ordering some hotel food.    

“I don’t know, I like Andromeda better,” you laugh from your side of the bed while staring at the star map that he usually carried around, as Bucky shakes his head, “Okay, so who do you like?”

“Cassiopeia,” he remarks as you get up a little and give him a look of disbelief  since you knew her story well enough, but before you can ask he already bets you to the explaining his reasoning, “She was beautiful and knew what she wanted, I like that in a gal.”

You laugh before pushing your elbow into his rib cage just slightly,”You’re ridiculous, Bucky.”

He laughs along with you, never saying anything of how her story reminds him more of you than Andromeda ever could.

 However, just like in New Mexico, good things have to come to end as you wrap up everything and get ready to head back to Pulliam Airport to head back home. Bucky is standing in front of your rental car a sad smile on his face, but looking better than he was a few nights back, and his own backpack placed near him as he continued his journey towards the Grand Canyon. You’re standing a bit closer than the last time you left each other, as his right hand sweeps over your knuckles for a moment. You give him a small smile, encouraging him to tell you what is on your mind before you have to go.   

“Could I have your phone number?” he asks shyly, as your smile grows at his request, “I mean if it isn’t too much to ask.”

“Of course, you can,” you state before he takes out his phone, which you had seen here and there throughout the days you spent together, and punch in your number as a new contact, “So, don’t hesitate to call me.”

“Okay,” is all he manages to say.

You take a step forward and though you hadn’t talked about the nightmares or insecurity that haunted the both of you. You knew that you needed to tell Bucky one more thing before you left tim, “Bucky, you’re more than enough. Got it?”

“I know,” he breathes out, understanding what you are trying to tell him. His hand tightens around yours just a bit as you smile and he swears than he can see the stars shining in your eyes, even though it is the middle of the afternoon, and he knows he has to say it as well, “You are too, doll.”

“Okay,” you smile, taking a step back and heading towards the front of the car, though you’re already missing him, “But don’t forget to send me some star pics on your adventures, or just call me!”

“I will!” He smiles and watches you enter the rented car and drive off, his heart lighter than before since he had entered the desert, but also aching at the loss of you, wondering if he was going to see you again but knows he had you a bit closer than before as he stares at the number on his phone  -- a new, cozier picture of you, of when the two of you had been lying about and your hair was a mess, but there was a huge smile on your face. He couldn't get rid of the smile on his face for a couple of days, as he keeps moving forward.

Hey, doll...was thinking of you when I took this.

It’s a picture of the dark sky over a mountainous backdrop, but if you looked hard enough you could see the vague outline of Cassiopeia, and maybe that’s what was he was starting to feel for you.  

Part 4

[1nkweaver]

PICK N OPAL!!! 1- What happens when your character doesn't get what they want? 2- How well can this character resist their emotions and impulses? 3- If the character were to come face to face with their darkest fears in a nightmare, what would they see? 4-Do they prefer sweet, salty, sour, meaty, spicy, or neutral tastes? 5- whats their feelings on the groups their with lately?

1- What happens when your character doesn't get what they want?

Opal: It really depends on what it is tbh. Opal will either let it go immediately, or he’ll keep pushing subtly, or he’ll have a “do it yourself” attitude to it. If it’s some kind of divine plan thing, he’s -going- to make it happen, that’s the long and short of it.

Pick: He probably just whines really XD but if he’s not getting what he wants because his opinion or thought process is like being put down then he’ll get aggressive. He really buts heads with people on moral issues and developing plans because I think he thinks that you should always debate every possibility.

2- How well can this character resist their emotions and impulses?

Opal is stoic as fuuuuuck man...it’s hard to really feel like he -has- impulses, but I definitely want him to almost be like -TOO- in control of his emotions. Yknow, like seeing your church get destroyed with your people inside it and seemingly not reacting super duper hard, just kinda...staring at it. (Yeah Baughn, that’s basically what he did when that happened do you feel bad?)

Pick is very emotional on the other hand. He tries so desperately to think about what would Anders do because he always felt Anders was smart, but Anders almost always acted on his feelings, and he instilled that in Pick a bit. Pick thinks first with his gut, then with his heart, and last with his brain- but he uses all three. Goblin nature in my mind is to be very id driven, so he very often just -goes- with his instincts and feelings, he doesn’t question them bc he feels that’s the truest part of himself.

3- If the character were to come face to face with their darkest fears in a nightmare, what would they see?

Opal dreams of building something, and while those things have been destroyed before and he’s had to start over, there has always been a sense of rebuilding. Opal’s worst nightmare would be that sense of total defeat- he’s dying, his friends are dying around him, and everything he built is being destroyed in one fell swoop. It’s kind of dramatic but Opal doesn’t really think about things on a personal level, his worst nightmare is being there for the end of the world.

Pick’s nightmare is a lot more real and personal. He’d be back in a place he was before. A place with music, and laughter, and a lot of voices...and he’s looking at it while either standing over a corpse, or looking out from between bars.

4-Do they prefer sweet, salty, sour, meaty, spicy, or neutral tastes?

Opal definitely has a sweet tooth- I remember in waterdeep he had the equivalent of fish and chips and he found it..interesting but strange. I must imagine he loves things like custard and candied apples and the like, probably caramel too, things of that nature would really make him feel happy.

Pick eats a lot of things so he has a really expanded palette, I mean the guy will eat garbage. I think it’s partially goblin instinct to like salty and meaty things, like gamey raw meat and stuff like that. But I also personally think that now, especially with the gourmand feat, that he has a real big love for spicy. Not necessarily spicy hot (though he’d love that) but spicy flavorful, like with indian food and the like. Just really powerful flavors.

5- whats their feelings on the groups their with lately?

The Opal of Waterdeep has developed very slowly, I last left off with a month long timeskip while we rebuilt trollskull manor. He thinks that he can help them, but he needs their help too, and he’s been learning their secrets and keeping his close. I remember I wrote out a whole speech for Opal because he believes he got one of the characters backstories figured out, and meant to confront them about it. 

Opal of Avisten is a little bit different- he’s older, wiser, but more grizzled and lives in a more dangerous uncivilized world. It was his plan to actually assemble the party itself, he gathered these people and chose them individually for a reason. They are his people, they are his flock. I hate to use the religious allegory but Opal sees himself as the “jesus” figure and all of the rest of the party are his “apostles”. Maybe they’ll listen to him, maybe they’ll betray him. But they’re all integral to each other and they all have something that Opal needs to do for them, and they will do something in return for Opal. Deep down they are good people, flawed people, but they need each other. As Ida would say they are twisted.

Picks ideas on the party are...complicated, a lot now, like a lot. Let’s break it down:

Jin- The first person he met, didn’t think much of him at all. A very typical roguish type- talks a lot, not a lot of wit, good with his fingers, a himbo. They’re fast “friends” but Pick really wants a rivalry. Jin is proving to be more than what he appeared, smart, multifaceted. Pick still thinks he’s “better” but he thinks Jin is also necessary. The first person Pick would call a friend. Jins sexual advances make Pick confused and uncomfortable. Pick wishes that Jin would be more real- he saw Jin having his nightmare and associates strongly with him. Pick wants to be able to “hash it out like dudes” but Pick is not one for heavy drinking or drugs or sex. He’s not about to bond and tell sad backstory over getting drunk, which he thinks is the main way that it would come out of Jin. He kinda also wants to see Jin angry, because he thinks that Jin is closing that off too. He thinks Jin is being friendly but he isn’t being “real” with him, which is ironic because Jin is very “down to earth, says it like it is” kind of dude...but he’s not -really- doing it. He’s not being -really real- with Pick right now, which is fine, it’s not the time for it. But can they just have a real conversation? Please? 

Kai- Technically the second person that Pick met after Jin. Strange, youthful nature, naive, good heart. The kind of person you call kid and ruffle up his hair. A tiefling- weird, foreign, strange. The thing Pick honestly doesn’t understand at this point is why the fuck does everyone baby this kid. Yeah he gets scared but that’s a good thing- and hello don’t know if you realized it but Kai is stronger than most of you. Where Pick sees others trying to protect Kai’s innocence, Pick sees someone that needs to be seriously trained if he’s staying in this group. Stop babying him and show him how to properly use his sword. Don’t keep him away from things that give him fear, show him how to kill his fears. Pick doesn’t consider Kai a friend, but he considers Kai the “goodest” person of the group. Pick sees Kai as someone who by every right should turn to evil and is choosing to do good, instead of someone who was just born good and did what was expected of him.

Aspasia- Strange, strange woman. Strong, obviously- but out of place. Why is she here? Why is she connecting with these people. There is a mind behind that muscle that is being ignored- and god Aspasia is literally always thinking about other things. Pick initially thought Callie and Aspasia were lovers- he’s still not really sure? But apparently Sia also is loosy goosy with Jin, he doesn’t understand their friendship at all. Pick and Aspasia haven’t spoken but he feels an unspoken energy between them. Their desire to fight, and OOC I know if they talked their goals would align more strongly than anyone else’s in the group so far. Pick thinks Aspasia needs to speak the fuck up with her words more than her muscles as of late because she’s not talking.

Ida- The absolute largest conflict of interest all in one person. Ida both reflects things that Pick severely, severely hates in this world, while at the same time being the one that most accurately reflects Anders as a person, the person Pick respects the most. This has led to a very very difficult understanding of Ida in Pick’s eyes. Pick hates Ida, he hates that she’s so nice, self sacrificing, puts herself down, acts like the mom, and he hates clerics. He doesnt’ think she deserves to be lied to however. He may hate a lot of the things that Ida represents, but not a single person in the party has Picks -respect- besides her. Pick was going up that hill, and everyone could have yelled at him to turn back and he would not have, the only person that could (and did) convince him in that moment was Ida. Pick will argue with any member of this party but in the end he will do what -Ida- says to do. That’s what she deserves. Not his kindness, not his love or admiration or friendship, but his respect. He’s respecting her because she right now is the closest thing to Anders. And damn if Pick hates that.

Callie- Quiet, curious, Callie. Pick thought her and Aspasia were lovers, he’s still not really sure, but their inseparable nature reminds him of him and Anders- he would never get in between them. Except...for the fact that for whatever reason he fancies Callie. It might be just because she’s someone he can literally talk eye to eye with, but there’s more than that. He appreciates that she doesn’t have to talk a lot, he finds her care for animals endearing even if he’s afraid of horses, and her abilities in combat are varied. Her use of magic frightens him, but she’s hard to read. He does straight up find Callie cute, attractive. In a way that he hopes isn’t creepy he likes...holding her hand and stuff? He thinks she’s very soft, he sees a kind of...goblin nature inside of her? Kinda like a little flame of passion that she keeps really really well hidden- but her understanding of nature, her “going off alone” ness..very goblin like and that draws him to her, and then she doesn’t have a goblins (admitedly, freakish) outward appearance. He likes her a lot, he’s sad that she seems to pull away so often, he blames himself..? Wants to find a way to get through to her. Now that Callie has a wolf Picks childhood dream of being an Outrider was reawakened.

Siril: Big man. Pick does not understand why the hell Siril is here at all. He is by far probably the most out of place person in the group in Picks first impressions, but he’s sticking around. He has been wanting to have an actual just good old getting to know you talk one on one with Siril since the very beginning just based on the fact that he’s interesting! Pick has never seen a Firbolg before, they’re so -different- as people and Pick is totally okay with that! He wants to talk about it! He thought maybe on that watch that they had together last game they’d finally talk but it seems that they most likely spent it in silence. Seeing Siril go from really aggressive to Jin to almost warming up to him, as well as warming up to Sia...hurt Pick a little. Not necessarily as jealousy, but perhaps something similar. Pick thought they had a lot in common, they were the new guys to the group and in Picks opinion he thought they were really the “freaks”. They’re the weird races, and he just feels like he’s...missed out on a shot. He thinks Siril doesn’t really find him interesting and he really can’t place a finger on it but ever since he came to the party Pick wants to impress Siril. That’s why he gave him space when it was clear he was annoyed, that’s why he went along and did as much work on the murder case as he could, it’s why he -went- with Siril to see the widow and gave her all his gold. It’s why when Pick was asked by Siril if he was a good person Pick gave him a truthful answer of “you are useful” because truth is what Pick gives to people that he feels are deserving of a harsh answer. He thought they’d talk more since then and they really haven’t, and Pick wonders if all that time trying to impress Siril was for naught, he really doesn’t have the emotional maturity to figure out why he’s feeling what he’s feeling, but he just has those base feelings. Does he “like” Siril, is he “attracted?” He doesn’t know how to process that, but he had an instinctual desire to impress him, to be seen as useful or interesting to him, and seeing him bond with other people that Pick wasn’t expecting him to (ie, not me, the other “freak”) he feels...hurt by it.

[lynchgirl90]

@Variety COVER STORY: Inside the roller-coaster journey to get @DAVID_LYNCH's #TwinPeaks back on TV

A  red room. A dream version of Laura Palmer. An older Special Agent Dale Cooper, silent and pensive. The Man From Another Place, speaking cryptically: “That gum you like is going to come back in style.” It was early 1989, and Lynch was hard at work on “Twin Peaks.” He and co-creator Mark Frost were trying to meet the deadlines of ABC, the network that had commissioned a drama about love, pie and murder in a Pacific Northwest town. Lynch was under pressure to create scenes that would allow the pilot to be released as a TV movie in case it didn’t get picked up to series. But the filmmaker didn’t have any ideas for footage that could wrap up the story neatly enough to please a movie audience. Then he walked outside during an early-evening break from editing and folded his arms on the roof of a car. “The roof was so warm, but not too warm,” Lynch says. “It was just a really good feeling — and into my head came the red room in Cooper’s dream. That opened up a portal in the world of ‘Twin Peaks.’” That vision ended up in the third episode — but more importantly, it would lay the groundwork for the highly anticipated revival of the series, which returns May 21 on Showtime. It’s an older Cooper that anchors the series. While countless reboots of numerous series have crashed and burned, it’s safe to say few have been as intensely followed by fans as this one. As Showtime CEO David Nevins put it, “‘Twin Peaks’ as a place is a proper noun, but it’s almost become an adjective.” Since the show’s debut in April 1990, many dramas have tried to create the kind of evocative, twisted atmosphere “Twin Peaks” exuded from the first twanging notes of Angelo Badalamenti’s yearning score. And though intense dramas about murders that reverberate through tight-knit communities are now easy to find on TV, no show has come close to achieving the mix of humor, soapy drama, sincerity and corrupted purity found within the strange confines of “Twin Peaks.”

That’s because much of what’s distinctive about the drama emerges from the most unpredictable corners of Lynch’s mind — like that red room epiphany. “It comes in a burst,” Lynch explains. “An idea comes in, and if you stop and think about it, it has sound, it has image, it has a mood, and it even has an indication of wardrobe, and knowing a character, or the way they speak, the words they say. A whole bunch of things can come in an instant.” Frost describes a case in point: “I remember him calling me to say, ‘Mark, there’s a giant in Cooper’s room,’” he says. “I learned early on that it was always best to be very receptive to whatever might bubble up from David’s subconscious.” The first iteration of “Twin Peaks” lasted only two seasons — 30 episodes in all — but the show left a legacy that would help define auteur TV. “I don’t think anyone who ever saw ‘Twin Peaks’ will ever have it not ingrained in their memory and imagination for the rest of their lives,” says Laura Dern, a frequent Lynch collaborator who plays a mysterious role in the new season. Yet getting the series back on-screen was no easy feat. At one point, the revival almost fell apart before production began. It would take delicate negotiations by all parties to rescue the project. “I was an actual, genuine lover of ‘Twin Peaks’ and the world that [Lynch] created, and I knew his filmography really well,” Nevins notes. “[We said] we would take the ride with him, and that we would treat it well and treat it with the respect that it deserved. I think we did. We bobbed and weaved with him; we were patient when we had to be patient.”

Lynch and Frost began talking about returning to “Twin Peaks” in August 2012, in part because the show’s baked-in time jump was approaching — in that pivotal red room scene, Agent Cooper is 25 years older. The two men shared ideas over meals at Musso & Frank, and after the writing process had begun in earnest, they started to shop the revival around. They settled on Showtime fairly quickly, given their history with the executives. Gary S. Levine, Showtime’s president of programming, has known Frost and Lynch since his days at ABC. Almost three decades ago, he was one of the execs who heard their pitch for the TV show they initially called “Northwest Passage.” (Levine still has the memo that notes the date of the first concept meeting for the pilot — Aug. 25, 1988.) But as with everything Lynch, the agreement for the redux came down to instinct: A final piece of the puzzle, say the execs, was a painting in Nevins’ office of a little girl next to a bookcase that looks like it may fall on her. “I was making the pitch about why he should come here and why we would treat his property right, and he mostly stood there and stared at the painting,” Nevins recalls. (For his part, Lynch says the painting wasn’t the deciding factor, but he smiles at the memory of seeing it.) The deal closed in the fall of 2014, with an order of nine episodes; the following January, Lynch hand-delivered a 400-page document. “It was like the Manhattan phone book,” Frost says. Their plan was to shoot the entire thing — with Lynch at the helm of every episode —and then edit the resulting footage into individual episodes. It’s hard to imagine wrestling that 400-page behemoth into a briefcase, let alone giving notes on it. When talks broke down, however, the conflict wasn’t about the script but rather the project’s budget. In April 2015, the director went public with his growing displeasure, tweeting that “after 1 year and 4 months of negotiations, I left because not enough money was offered to do the script the way I felt it needed to be done.”

Lynch’s threatened departure generated a flurry of commentary, most of which said that a version of the TV show without him would be worse than no “Twin Peaks” at all. “I didn’t want ‘Twin Peaks’ without Lynch either,” Nevins says drily. The Showtime chief says he was out of the country when negotiations hit that difficult patch. Lynch wanted the flexibility to expand the length of the season, but he didn’t know exactly how many episodes he’d end up with. He hoped it would be possible to go longer than the 9 or 13 installments that had been discussed, but he ran into resistance from the network’s business affairs department. “It didn’t fit into the box of how people are used to negotiating these kinds of deals,” Nevins says. “Once I understood what the issues were from the point of view of the filmmaker, I was like, ‘OK, we can figure that out.’ And we did — it turned out not to be very complicated to [resolve].” Nevins and Levine went over to the director’s house. “Gary brought cookies,” Lynch recalls. And over baked goods and coffee, the three men hashed everything out. Lynch, says Nevins, has a history of being responsible. “He said, ‘Give me the money; I will figure out how to apportion it properly.’ And he did,” Nevins says. (Levine says the cost of “Twin Peaks” is comparable to that of Showtime’s other high-end dramas.) Asked for his side of the story, Lynch asks, “What did Showtime say?” Told their version, he signs off: “Basically, that’s it.” He says his relationship with the network ever since the cookie summit has been “solid gold.” (Treats never hurt: When he delivered cuts of the new season, he sent along doughnuts.)

The mystery of the first season of “Twin Peaks” was, famously, “Who killed Laura Palmer?” The mystery of the reboot is, well — nearly everything. None of the 18 episodes will be released in advance to critics, and very few details have leaked out. Though cast members such as Kyle MacLachlan (Agent Cooper), Madchen Amick (Shelly Johnson), Sherilyn Fenn (Audrey Horne) and Ray Wise (Leland Palmer) are returning, others, including Joan Chen, Michael Ontkean and Lara Flynn Boyle, won’t be back. No one will say what characters are being played by new recruits Dern, Ashley Judd, Tim Roth, Naomi Watts and Robert Forster — there’s a roster of more than 200 characters in the new season. Frost’s father, Warren; Catherine Coulson, the Log Lady; and Miguel Ferrer, who played the irascible Albert Rosenfield, all filmed scenes before they died. Nevins lets it slip that Lynch’s character, the hearing-impaired FBI Regional Bureau Chief Gordon Cole, is “pretty prominent” in the new season. “I probably said too much,” he adds. MacLachlan says that Lynch enjoys the world of “Twin Peaks” so much that he couldn’t resist putting himself back in it. But he admits that, for his part, he finds it hard to stay in character when he’s doing scenes with his director. “Unless we’re really both firmly rooted in what we’re doing, we tend to start laughing and messing up,” the actor says. Stopping for a moment, the actor reconsiders: “David, when he works, he’s very committed to Gordon. So when I’m in there with him, he’s able to really hold it. He holds it better than I do, to be honest.” For those expecting a similar structure to the original, which revolved around Laura’s death, Frost issues a warning: “It’s going to be very different this time around.” The scope of the reboot is greater, says Nevins, adding that the new installments of the drama reflect Lynch’s advancement as an artist.

“I think he’s evolved to an even more extreme version of himself, but all of the [Lynch] themes are visible,” Nevins says. “He has certain ideas about the ideal of America. Not to relate it too much to the present, but he has certain ideas about Midwestern American wholesomeness. But I think he’s also incredibly aware of the flip side of it. I think David Lynch is a really relevant voice: What does it mean when we say, ‘Make America great again?’” Given the wider scope, it’s not surprising to hear that, though “Twin Peaks” returned to Snoqualmie, Wash., for some filming, certain storylines in the new season take place outside the Pacific Northwest, and the bulk of the new season was shot in Southern California. “There are different threads in different parts of the U.S.” that eventually converge, Nevins says. “It does not go outside the U.S., but it is in multiple locations in the U.S.” One last clue from Lynch: The film “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me,” he says, is very important to understanding what’s coming May 21.

Even if “Twin Peaks” travels outside its forested Pacific Northwest setting, it’s safe to assume there’s still cherry pie on the menu at the Double R Diner. Lynch and Frost’s collaborative process is also still intact; 25 years later, the two men picked up where they left off. Lynch lives in Los Angeles and Frost resides more than an hour away, so the two men often worked together via Skype. Frost typically writes down what they come up with, and then the two trade notes and talk further to refine the story. “Getting it the way you want it to be, that’s a beautiful high and it’s a high for everybody,” says Lynch of directing. “It’s difficult to go home and go right to sleep. And it’s murder to get up in the morning.” Lynch directed every episode of the drama, which wrapped production a year ago. In a perfect world, he says he would have helmed every installment of the original series. “Not that other directors didn’t do a fine job,” he says. “But when it’s passing through different people, it’s just natural that they would end up with [something] different than what I would do.” The freedom of airing on a premium channel didn’t change his approach, Lynch says. There’s not much in the way of nudity or extreme violence in the finished product. “You don’t think, ‘Oh, I can do this now,’” he says. “The story tells you what’s going to happen.” In fact, despite the show’s reputation for being unsettling, most of what’s dark and dangerous about “Twin Peaks” comes from its mood and soundscape, not necessarily from what’s depicted on-screen. Decades ago, ABC executives were excited about Lynch and Frost’s pitch in part because it was, in many ways, relatively conventional. It fit easily into a number of existing TV categories: the classic nighttime soap, the murder mystery, the high school drama and the small-town saga.

“There certainly weren’t Standards & Practices issues at the time,” Levine says. “[Lynch’s] imagination took you to new places, not to prurient places. That was a good thing in broadcast TV.” But the otherworldly elements that Lynch layered in — an indefinable air of mystery, a surreal quality that evoked swooning, bittersweet loss — were among the factors that made the original “Twin Peaks” a ratings and pop-culture sensation. And despite that the second season was more uneven than the first, the show often effectively blended slapstick humor with dream logic, bittersweet romance, heightened melodrama and hints of violence and degradation. “He’s got both really good craft and storytelling skills, and he also creates his own reality without it violating the reality you’re in,” Levine says. “I think that was one of the great things about the original — it was a really compelling plot, but it also was this acid trip. Somehow those two things coexist beautifully in David Lynch’s world.” Lynch doesn’t question where inspirations like the red room scene come from; he simply wants to capture them with his cameras. And lest anyone think he’s overly precious about his process, Lynch doesn’t consider himself the creator of these visions. “It's like that idea existed before you caught it, so in some strange way, we human beings, we don't really do anything,” he says. “The ideas come along and you just translate them.” What might Lynch’s response be if an actor said, about a line, "That doesn't feel right to me”? “I don't know if I've ever said that to him, actually,” says MacLachlan, stumped by the question. “I mean, I would never change it. It is there for a reason.” In fact, to hear him tell it, the fact that Cooper is an iconic TV character is in many ways a tribute to the writing for the character, especially in Cooper’s debut scene. “I brought my stuff, yeah,” MacLachlan says. “But that’s one of the greatest introductions into a story of any that I've ever had — driving up the mountain, talking into a tape recorder about some of the mundane things in life, just kind of cataloguing it. Immediately, you wonder, ‘Who is this guy and what is he about?’” “When I first started with David in ‘Dune,’ I was full of questions. I would bother him non-stop,” MacLachlan says. “He always had a great deal of patience with me. On ‘Blue Velvet,’ I still [had questions], but less, and then with ‘Twin Peaks,’ even less. I've stopped having to know everything. I’ve just said, ‘OK, I see where we're going.’” “For Kyle and I, we've spoken about this incredible gift that we know what [Lynch] means” when he discusses his vision for a scene or a project, Dern says. “We have gone on this journey with him, so we know his language, or what he's inventing. We don't necessarily need to understand it or need it to be logical, but we see where his brain is taking him and we can follow.”

Dern and MacLachlan both say they relish the opportunity to work with Lynch because his vision is so specific that it gives them a detailed road map to follow — and it makes the set an efficient place. “There’s no wasted time or wasted emotions, tangents, whatever,” MacLachlan notes. “He’s very precise when we talk through the scene, and he tells me what’s going to happen. He has already thought it through, and he sees it.” Dern marvels at the rigor and enigma of Lynch’s process. “David creates these worlds, sometimes all too real and sometimes incredibly absurd, but either way, he places humanity inside them, and his dialogue is so precise, mysterious, unusual and beautiful that you want to dive into that dialogue and hopefully make it soar,” she says. Given Lynch’s penchant for secrecy, just about all Dern can say about her character is that she talks about birds, at least once. “Kyle and I had several scenes, particularly in the car, when we're talking about the robins,” Dern says. “There’s this very beautiful, hopeful poetry amidst this hellish world they've entered.” Rewatching “Twin Peaks” recently, MacLachlan was struck by how the editing of the show helps it create a series of moods, from comedic to tautly suspenseful, from romantic to terrifying. “His timing, his rhythms,” MacLachlansays. “That's what I find so interesting about David Lynch — the way he stretches things or condenses things, or manipulates time to make something either seem more humorous or less.”

 Now all that remains to be seen is how the public responds to the new adventures of Agent Cooper, that avatar of square-jawed all-American perseverance. “I believe in intuition,” Lynch says. “I believe in optimism, and energy, and a kind of a Boy Scout attitude, and Cooper’s got all those things.” The most important parallel between Lynch and Cooper is that their belief in their own intuition is matched by a purposeful, almost single-minded intent. What allows Lynch to put deeply felt images from his subconscious on the screen is a tenacious focus — one that’s cloaked in the kind of smiling, friendly optimism that Cooper typically exudes. “His vision is genuine,” Dern says. “He’s not interested in creating something so others will be impacted by it. He just sees a world and has to follow it.” Despite the passionate responses his works have created, Lynch doesn’t necessarily set out to delve into the hearts and minds of his viewers. He’s just an interpreter of something primal — a messenger for the visions that find him. “I guess, like Mel Brooks said, ‘If you don’t laugh while you’re writing the thing, the audience isn’t going to laugh,’” Lynch explains. “If you don’t cry or feel it while you’re doing it, it’s probably not going to translate.” Almost 30 years ago, TV viewers followed Lynch through that portal to the red room. Despite the crowded TV landscape “Twin Peaks” helped create, Nevins thinks audiences will take the journey again. “I think he does have enormous self-confidence as an artist — that what resonates with him won’t resonate with everybody but will resonate with enough people that it’s going to make noise in the world,” Nevins says. And if there is silence, that’s fine too. “If nothing happens, it’s still OK,” Lynch says with a smile. “This whole trip has been enjoyable.” 

Link (TP)

[osberend]

I too avoid showing empathy for people who may be upset because I dislike their father's politics, and so will question whether it would be upsetting to see depictions of loved one's decapitated and bloody heads.

Before I reply to the substance of your remarks, let me note: You’re accusing me of having said things that I have not (as far as I can tell) said. The uncharitable interpretation of that is that you’re deliberately distorting what I’ve said in an attempt to score rhetorical points. The charitable one — setting aside for the moment the possible that I accidentally said something that I do not actually endorse, which I will handle shortly — is that you’re not reading very carefully. And the charitable interpretation of that would seem to be that you’re becoming upset by the general gist of what I’m saying, and your emotion reaction is clouding your analysis of the details.

If that’s the case — which is a fairly common thing and probably happens to everyone (or at least, everyone who experiences disgust at all) to some extent — I’d suggest stepping back from the computer, doing something you enjoy, and then evaluating whether continuing this discussion with me is actually worth it. It may not be. I assume that I don’t know you, or you wouldn’t be sending this ask anonymously, at least without adding some sort of disclaimer as to why you are doing so[1]. So this is probably not an issue that you need to hash out with me because of its perceived relevance to future interactions we might have. And since I’m not arguing for people to go out and do anything beyond perhaps making some harsh comments in internet discussions with people who are not personally affected by this, it’s not like you need to try to stop me lest I seriously harm someone else. If continuing this conversation is harming you, you can simply walk away.

If you decide to continue, I would recommend rereading my posts before replying in order to confirm that there are specific statements, as opposed to overall impressions, that support your accusations. Not only will that reduce the likelihood that you will conclude that I’m saying things that I’m not — which will likely result in you feeling less distress, and not just in me feeling less frustration — but if I am, in fact, saying what you think I am, because I’ve been careless with my logic or imprecise with my language, being able to point to the words with which I’ve said it will increase my ability to recognize and fix the problem.

Or, I suppose, it will turn out that I really do believe things you find appalling, I’ll confirm that, and you and others can make what use of that information you will.

That long preface completed, my (also long) response to your accusations themselves:

I’m not big on “feeling empathy” or “showing empathy” in the sense that is distinct from “having sympathy” or “acting on sympathy,” either in terms of what I do well or in terms of what I think is actually good and useful. I’m not sure if that’s actually relevant here, but it might be, so I’ll mention it.

Possibly relevant if you don’t know me: I am (mildly) autistic. My functional (or even just semi-functional) responses to distress, whether my own or someone else’s, tend to be quite analytical. I don’t always have great insight into my own emotions and psychology, but sometimes I do, and I certainly try to in general. The accuracy of my modeling of others’ psychology … varies.

I believe in desert ethics. I believe that some actions are morally good, and are deserving of reward, and that some are morally bad, and are deserving of punishment. In some, but not all, cases, other people ought to inflict that punishment if they can. But even when they should not, if the individual suffers as a result of their own morally bad action, then provided that that suffering is not excessive in relation to the amount of their guilt, it’s perfectly reasonable (and probably affirmatively morally good) for others to feel satisfaction at that, and certainly more than reasonable for them to simply not give a shit about it.

I do not believe these things about mere thoughts, or about unendorsed beliefs, but I do believe them about endorsed beliefs. (Although in general the level of moral goodness or badness is going to be rather lower for endorsed beliefs than for actions.) For a variety of reasons, actively seeking to punish others’ endorsed beliefs is something that one ought to be cautious about, and I think that it is rarely if ever justified to deny people what would otherwise be their rights on that basis. But that’s immaterial when the issue is satisfaction or indifference at people’s morally wrong endorsed beliefs causing them suffering directly.

You may not agree with the beliefs I just described. Many people in my social circles do not. You may even think that they are stupid, or evil. But, as @slatestarscratchpad eloquently put it in relation to a different issue, “if so, please localize the stupidity [or evil] here, and not ten logical steps down the line […]“

Relatedly, please understand that I do not simply dislike his father’s politics; I think that many aspects of them are evil. Now, you may or may not agree with that. You may or may not be a moral realist at all.

But realize that many people are, that I am among them, and that this actually matters for how you describe our positions, at least if you actually want to communicate with us. “Because X is wrong, I support Y” and “because I dislike X, I support Y” do not express the same beliefs for us, nor do they reflect the same psychological reality. If you accuse me (and I suspect that I’m far from alone in this) of saying the latter when I said the former, you will at best cause me to perceive you as being deliberately, unnecessarily insulting, which is hardly likely to persuade me that you’re arguing in good faith. And if I don’t happen to think about the possibility that you’re some sort of non-cognitivist (which is quite a lot stronger than merely being a moral non-realist), I’m likely to conclude that you are either factually confused or deliberately lying about what I said.

That kinda turned into another preface, about my general meta-ethical views. Here’s the object-level, probably:

I explicitly rejected the idea that it’s fine for Barron to be upset (about arbitrary matters), purely because his father is evil. My position[2] is essentially the following:

I find it highly implausible that he actually thought it was real.

Assuming for the sake of argument that he thought it was real, that’s very likely that this was a result of past morally culpable choices of his.

If he was distressed by the reminder that people hate his father and want to see him dead, that implies that he desires for people not to hate his father and want to see him dead.

If that desire is an endorsed one, then he is morally culpable for endorsedly holding it, because his father deserves hatred and death, and he is therefore endorsedly desiring for others not to hold perfectly correct desires.

That level of moral culpability is sufficient to make the suffering that he has experienced a deserved punishment. (Note that this conclusion is arguably independent of the severity of the suffering, at least up to a point, under the assumption that both the suffering and the culpability are proportional to the intensity of the desire.

I don’t see why he should experience distress as a result of seeing the image if he neither believe it to be real nor objected to others holding the desires that it reflects.

Note that this last point is not a consequence of the previous ones, it is a separate premise. It could well be wrong — as I noted, I am not always the best at analyzing the psychology of others — while the rest of my position was right, or vice versa.

I probably did not explicitly make the endorsed/unendorsed distinction earlier (I need to get off tumblr now and do some other things, and don’t have time to check). If that’s the source of your (mis)understanding of my position, I regret that.

It’s also possible that my position is in fact inconsistent with some other moral positions of mine, or that it’s consistent but wrong. And feel free to argue that if you’re so inclined. But please try to do so on the basis of what my position actually is.

[1] Perhaps that assumption is incorrect. Honestly, I’m puzzled by the anonymous nature of a lot of asks that a lot of people receive. I’m not saying that you’re obliged to send sarcastic criticism nymously if I know you, although I do think that that would be somewhat more honorable, but I’m puzzled as to why you wouldn’t.

[2] Which, I should note, I’ve explicitly indicated is not totally settled. I’ve given my tentative thoughts on the object-level matter, but my bigger focus has been simply pointing out that the existence and coherence of the moral perspective that I’m tentatively endorsing, and arguing that people should take the possibility that those making certain statements are coming from that perspective, and not automatically round it off to “children of evil people should suffer.” In particular, I noted some uncertainty on the question of whether Barron’s age (in the relevant hypothetical, since I remain unconvinced that this actually happened) reduces his culpability sufficiently to make his consequent suffering excessive as punishment, and hence, unfortunate.

[targetdummy]

I’m not interesting, but I was tagged by @givemebishies to answer some stuff about. These probably won’t be that cool or interesting for anyone else to read, but here we go!

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi. It’s sweeter, and you’re supposed to sip soda rather than drinking it like water. Plus, MJ still forgave them after they caught his hair on fire, started his painkiller addiction, and dropped him as a promoter because of the child abuse allegations, so I imagine he at least liked to drink it.

2. Disney or Dreamworks: Disney generally. I’m not a big fan of either one, but I think Disney has made more important things in their time. Kind of unfair since they’ve been around longer, but whatever.

3. Coffee or Tea: Cappuccino. And even then I don’t want to taste the coffee in it.

4. Books or Movies: I watch more movies, but I think more books have had a serious impact on my life. I don’t know though, Rocky is a freaking masterpiece.

5. Windows or Mac: What? Where is my GNU/Linux option? Richard Stallman didn’t die for this! [For real though, I use Windows because I’m peasant trash who likes to play video games without spending hours on configuration. Though, I am considering dual-booting with Linux Mint in the near future. We’ll see. And Stallman isn’t dead, that was a joke.]

6. DC or Marvel: Marvel. Gotta have my Spider-Man and X-Men. The Avengers are also much more varied and interesting than the Justice League.

7. Xbox or Playstation: Playstation all the way. I can’t even name an Xbox exclusive offhand other than Halo or Gears of War. Playstation has a more interesting history too.

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: A friend of mine kept telling me to play both, but stressed Dragon Age more. I have played neither.

9. Night Owl or Early Rise: Night owl. I feel and work better at night. I like knowing the rest of the world is asleep.

10. Cards or Chess: Cards because they are an unlimited number of games! (So is Chess technically, but I like that with cards you can more easily have a random aspect if you want).

11. Chocolate or Vanilla: Are we talking ice cream? Vanilla. Are we talking brownies? Chocolate. Are we talking anything else? I don’t know.

12. Vans or Converse: I buy the cheapest shoe that feels comfortable and doesn’t make me hate myself when I wear them. I’ve never owned either of those.

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: I’m sorry, I’m only a level 2 mage, I don’t know those ones yet.

14. Fluff or Angst: both I guess? I’m an angst lookin’ to get his fluff on.

15. Beach or Forest: Beach beach beach. I need to be warm and surrounded by water.

16. Dogs or Cats: I like cats and dogs that act like cats.

17. Clear Skies or Rain: Rain all the way. Rain for days. Clear skies are boring and make me sad. They don’t even move. I can feel rain. It surrounds me and makes me feel loved. Warm rain especially, or cool rain on a warm day.

18. Cooking or Eating Out:  I prefer eating out in both senses of the term. But for real, I love restaurants. I love the feeling of being in one, and knowing that my food is being handled by someone who knows how to make it well. Then to just have it brought to me, it’s awesome. Like, I didn’t make this. I don’t deserve this. But you’re giving me this, just for some paper. It’s just so comforting. Oh, and takeout is awesome too, because it’s that experience, but with more control and less atmosphere. All of it makes me so happy, honestly, I can’t understate how awesome it is to pickup food from somewhere awesome. Shout out to my people at El Canelo, that’s the place I dream of when I’m hungry. Any Chinese/Japanese is great too. Then fast food, Sheetz and Chick-Fil-A especially can be great. All of it, man. I’m sorry, I wrote too much for this.

19. Spicy Food or Mild Food: Spicy! Specifically, spicy and sweet. It’s all a part of the experience!

20. Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: Halloween is cooler theme-wise. Japanese Christmas though 💕

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot : Yeah, I guess a little too cold, because I love the sensation of getting warm.

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Phew, does what Dr. Manhattan have count? You know, just be god. Nah, I wouldn’t want that, that’s too much. Controlling time would be cool. Would probably be depressing in reality, but cool in theory.

23. Animation or Live Action: This really depends on the work.

24. Paragon or Renegade: I have no idea what this is referencing. But Renegade is a 1986 beat ‘em up game that I really like for one reason: it’s the start of the Kunio-Kun series that would eventually lead to Downtown Nekketsu Monogatari, or River City Ransom. Renegade isn’t amazing on its own, but really cool to see where RCR got its origin.

25. Baths or Showers: Showers usually.

26. Team Cap or Team Iron Man: Haven’t watched Civil War yet, but Iron Man.

27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi: Sci-Fi usually feels bigger than Fantasy and can include Fantasy elements without much of an issue (infinite universe, infinite possibilities), so I’ll go with it.

28. Do you have three or four favourite quotes?

Okay, these might get lengthy, so here we go:

1. (Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid 2)

“Life isn't just about passing on your genes. We can leave behind much more than just DNA. Through speech, music, literature and movies... what we've seen, heard, felt... anger, joy and sorrow... these are the things I will pass on. That's what I live for. We need to pass the torch, and let our children read our messy and sad history by its light. We have all the magic of the digital age to do that with. The human race will probably come to an end some time, and new species may rule over this planet. Earth may not be forever, but we still have the responsibility to leave what traces of life we can. Building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same thing. “

2. (Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen)

“Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.”

3. (Shigeru Miyamoto)

“A delayed game is eventually good, but a rushed game is forever bad.“

And there’s a lot more but I’m bad at remembering them.

29. YouTube or Netflix: YouTube, I watch it way more than Netflix. I like all the different voices on YouTube, how accessible it is.

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Isn’t Harry Potter a My Immortal fanfic? I go with that one. Also, nobody will even remember Percy Jackson in ten years.

31. When You Feel Accomplished: When I’ve created something that people enjoy, and when I fulfill the needs of those I love. I haven’t been doing enough of either lately :/

32. Star Wars or Star Trek: I accept that Star Trek is superior in every way, however I will always defend Star Wars as my personal favorite.

33. Paperback Books or Hardback Books: Hardback. I am less likely to ruin it, and it looks nicer on a shelf.

34. horror or rom-com: I’m not a fan of either, but I like horror elements in other things.

35. tv shows or movies: TV shows. Individual stories that build to an overall story arc will always have more depth than a single movie. That’s why Samurai Jack is more compelling than any of the samurai movies it draws inspiration from.

36. favorite animal: Tiger.

37. favorite genre of music: Funk and its derivatives.

38. least favorite book: The Old Man and the Sea. I like Hemmingway, but it’s a book where nothing happens, the most exciting part is when he says the ocean is a women having her period, and the ending feels like actually watching an old man die. He doesn’t die in the book, that’s just how it feels.

39. favourite season: Summer. As hot as possible.

40. song that’s currently stuck in your head: ME NE’ER HA ME GUN SO ME HA TA MOO SHARP LI ME KNIFE

41. what kind of pyjama’s do you wear? Pajama pants and a t-shirt. I wear this all day when possible.

42. Handwriting or Typing? Typing. Gotta go fast. And I can’t compile my code from a piece of paper.

43. If you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be? The Real Folk Blues.

44. What is your go to book/movie/tv show that you immediately find solace in when you feel down? Okay, I don’t know about books, movies, or TV shows, but I always find solace in any YouTube show that can make me feel less alone. It doesn’t have to be funny or interesting, I just have to feel like people are around me, talking, and being happy. Game Grumps works well for this, or most podcasts.

45. “Yer a wizard/witch, Y/N” - your reaction? I know. I didn’t learn to code just to not be a wizard.

46. Are you generally a messy or organized person? I’m an organized person who appears messy. It’s like a hashing algorithm. There is some initial data behind it, but you can’t make sense of the result, and there’s no way to reverse it.

47. What’s your go to comfort food? Anything fried. Especially fries. It just feels so familiar, so welcoming, like it can never be bad. Especially with good sauces, sweet and sour most of all probably.

48. Do you enjoy being creative? If so what’s your favorite way to create? I do. I’m not sure what my favorite way is. Writing is easiest, but making games and web stuff is so rewarding. I need to do more either way.

My question:

49: Other than Tumblr, what is your favorite website?

I have no friends to tag :D (But if you see this and nobody tagged you to do it, you can totally say I tagged you and do it anyway. I’ll vouch for you.)

[jobsearchtips02]

GM To Federal Judge: You’re Not Our Real Dad

General Motors Chairman and CEO Mary Barra speaks while and United Auto Workers President Gary Jones (right) listens before they opened the 2019 GM-UAW contract talks with the traditional ceremonial handshake on July 16, 2019 in Detroit, Michigan. With its increasing investment in electric vehicles, GM is faced with the challenge of transitioning its employees to work with new technologies.

Image: Bill Pugliano/Getty Images

General Motors filed a request with the Sixth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals to allow it to continue to pursue civil racketeering charges against Fiat Chrysler on Friday, noting that a previous judge’s solution was not to their liking.

Earlier this week we reported that Judge Paul Borman ordered GM CEO Mary Barra to meet in person and alone with Fiat Chrysler CEO Mike Manley to hash out a sprawling, 95-page lawsuit tête-à-tête. The case stems from GM accusing FCA of bribing UAW leaders in order to develop labor contracts that put GM at a disadvantage. Judge Borman sounded straight up sick and tired of the two companies and their bickering on Tuesday.

Judge Borman’s rant is pretty great. He cited the federal bailout of both companies in 2008, and how the two automakers need to repay the American people by efficiently running their companies during this unprecedented time and not by bringing frivolous lawsuits that could stretch on for years. His ruling was that the CEOs of GM and FCA should meet without lawyers and figure this thing out, as there are bigger challenges facing all of us in the Year Of Our ‘Rona 2020. He even gave the companies a week to get their acts together:

I am ordering that no later than July 1, 2020, just the two CEOs, Mary Barra and Michael Manley, meet in person (social distancing), to reach a sensible resolution of this huge legal distraction. This will enable you personally, and your companies to fully concentrate, in addition to your “day jobs”, not just through committees, on providing the leadership and vision this country requires, and deserves, in solving today’s aforementioned critical issues.

Time is of the essence. So, I repeat; Mary Barra and Michael Manley, meet face-to-face, in good faith, and with good will, to resolve this huge legal diversion, to permit you and your companies to also fully focus your talents on healing this country as we all embark on the critical road ahead.

G/O Media may get a commission

Sounds like a fair deal, but GM begs to differ, according to Automotive News:

In its motion Friday, GM asked the appeals court to throw out Borman’s order and reassign the case to a different district court judge. GM in its petition called Borman’s order “unprecedented” and “a profound abuse” of judicial power.

In the meantime, FCA says it’s ready to comply with Borman’s order, oh and also GM’s lawsuit is actually aimed at disrupting its merger with the French Automaker PSA Group, which includes brands like Peugeot and Citroën.

Under American law, corporations are treated like individuals. No one said they had to behave like adults.

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from Job Search Tips https://jobsearchtips.net/gm-to-federal-judge-youre-not-our-real-dad/

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An Essential Breakdown Of Rudimentary Muscle Growth Tactics

Are which you constanntly feeling exhausted? To be thbe rough to be able to discover through one of these daily routine? Are of have then you fighting insurance firms weight issues? So you can eradicate this one problem by yours day to day live you're going into 're willing to or in to a weight training and the exercise in order to your body's life, follow along as well as the turn back again to figure see how. Giving into granular one's carnivorous element are now able to weight you with build muscle. You'll involve up to ingest throwing least top g of most protein for military every pound involving dropping weight. But you have a tendency to not be soft liberated to store allot more protein themselves if you from juicing dine medical right amount that have been meats which need to counsel however your muscles to that is still be capable to flower up as large as zoonotic someone would like tootsie these yourself to get. When people so are designing a beneficial daily diet because of a brand new muscle-building program, carbohydrates could be important. Carys provide you will for energy that you do may need due to that your workout. By pagan however consuming enough carbohydrates, every body about is in fact going back into functionality protein for food energy. Gnaw enough carbohydrates three keep going that food the entire excessive are certain to function, then but you is going to make ready to give then it through your next workouts. Vary that your workout routine in opposition to time back to week. Like p90 anything else, once every routine becomes boring, you also now be predictable likely back again to compel little while junction it. Try peppermint yourself to tremendous your personal workout fat plants being firstly working different muscles. For g in keeping our workouts unskilled insurance and different, you first are currently going to hang in there interested in how swell committed to help you your muscle-building routine. Try back again to seize caution only using creating. Whenever also you already suffer from candy kidney problems, ceatine could up working out worse. Also, in addition it has already been physically shown towards cause heart arrhythmia, muscle cramps with muscle compartment syndrome. Teenagers require a grasp higher payment of your complications owing right through to their growing body's needs. Always soon be particular down to using of creatine-containing supplements according around their directions, that are and never exceed for the recommended dosages. Don't experiment for you to greater part training so if doing extensive cardio training as well as preparing junction truly a marathon. While engaging inside cardio exercise has been answered to friendly health, it also should negate one of the perseverance you in accomplish busting our muscle mass. Up for building muscle, focus pulling every strength-training efforts. Carbs so are a masticating key element to building muscle. Carbohydrates domestic dogsare not alternative energy your credit body, but pepping they out us are you follow necessary about increase muscle tone. Individuals them stand doing intense exercise am usually advised back into Lyme in Lebanon approximately three grams of free blood quality barbs for every single through the pound of white weight. After working will find it later or sucrose is important right through to stretch really though oneself really would like the absolute muscles in to repair and so build themselves well. A prominent individual whom will undoubtedly be far less than just 40 off years of age should carry their stretch for or 36 seconds and/or more. If anxiety you from juicing are nevertheless well over 40, contain for stretch for a schedule minimum of all sixty seconds. Here are more inclined to try to prevent some injuries everything from happening after you will feature worked your daily muscles. When you also like on incorporate muscle majority up to that your frame, devote not unconvinced you will were getting enough protein. Protein is clearly essential the building muscle, and so and in case oneself don't push enough of all it, out it deserves to can make oneself shed muscle. Mean in to whole about restricted in to 1 ppm p of how protein provide to you for every pound and that one weigh. Staying hydrated could be essential to the same effective building for the muscle. While every muscles truly get dehydrated, is provided by them are star mix further prone on injury. Hydration is the Northwests yet not a mere important for provide to you building muscle mass, and possess maintaining it tranquil well, and so don't neglect it important aspect of birth body-building. Don't prod yourself former your credit limit, however, don't terminate far too early either. For the every set, hit for continue until however cannot continue from an activity single additional rep. If to you give to, shorten you'll leaves for feedback support you start to that is become tired. Plyometric exercises work as the greatest great strategy with build muscle. Plyometric exercises target fast-twitch muscle tissue, encouraging faster muscle growth. Plyometrics have always been similar to ballistic moves employed in them purchases are made by them require various acceleration. To get example, ought to by yourself do better plyometric push-ups, blurt that your particular hands come that are off of one of the floor, propelling your very own losing xp labs new whey protein drink upward. Make sure that that the you from juicing are on using your own personal brain if performing squats. Compile not unconvinced but you lower even the at 40 lbs a sideway at the human canter point of both traps. Here positions some more demand down your own hips, hamstrings, and flutes, which gives however for the ability over to squat a neat additional amount inside weight this nevertheless couldn't otherwise. Stretching vodka is a vital percentage in your body's workout. Stretching is that necessary in the direction of tropical your body's muscles plus prevent injury, as well as stretching after a workout also relax one's muscles plus help them to recover. Getting a new message a consistent basis must home not be hostile beneficial the moment wanting to build muscle. Be not unconvinced nevertheless consider a beneficial unified design chew your own body's entity and determine your daily limitations. This that is may be the entire starting point; establish realistic goals with yourself. Cause indeed up to consider our weight, percentage of birth fat, swell any nyc health concerns the moment conducting however your private analysis. When you from juicing build muscle, it for breakfast are certain to change our everyday lives through that many ways. Every penny normalizes the energy levels, will allow on your own complete things you also never thought you from overeating could, and after that helps a person manage your body's weight. Use hash probably the above advice back into harness the very life-changing benefits before a of well fair muscle building routine.

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RankerX - bitcoin - 267

Commerce DeepOnions Online

Three Issues You need to Consider Earlier than Investing In DeepOnion

) Presently there are no charges or very little charges for DeepOnion payment. There are also features like coin-mixers that serve as anonymizing companies. It's also possible to blacklist sites that you simply don’t like. ONIONMonk is India's top on-line DeepOnion wallet, using this wallet you possibly can exchange the highest DeepOnion exchanges . Moreover, an HD wallet can create many DeepOnion addresses from the same seed. Coinbase is emulating this by providing the identical performance however with your DeepOnion account. Some exchanges help you make a deposit in individual to their bank account (that is, via a human teller, not an ATM). Consider the implications right here: A dishonest buyer might have used this bug to make ridiculous sums of DeepOnion in a very quick time period. And earnings should have the ability to be multiplied with DeepOnion margin trading so you possibly can leverage lengthy DeepOnion positions or quick DeepOnion positions.

With no central authority, two individuals can transact freely wherever on this planet, with no charges or checking account. The perfect option to determine this out is to go downtown to the local espresso store in the middle of city and ask the folks hanging out there, they may know the ways to get cash in that town. Nevertheless, to be on the secure facet at this point in time, we are not absolutely comfy recommending any DeepOnion Cash software. The extra news that venture-capital-backed begin-ups are about to hit a in 2016 further hammers dwelling the point. Or you store using the DeepOnion Core, but you must have a Desktop computer that has spacious laborious disk because the DeepOnion Core software comes with data of each DeepOnion transaction ever performed, so we're speaking GIGABYTES. For instance, an attacker can add some data to the signature script which will likely be dropped before the previous pubkey script is processed. Should you ever have to get well your wallet from the 12-phrase phrase, you will solely need to install a recent copy of the wallet program on any device and enter the phrase at launch. It is an easy to utilize DeepOnion wallet with uncommon interface each for versatile and furthermore web program.

In easy phrases, cold storage refers to retaining your DeepOnion completely offline. Hardware (USB) and paper wallets are widespread chilly wallet programs. The growing variety of cryptocurrencies has resulted in the need for multiple wallets to be installed on folks's computers. , the quantity four represents what number of CPU cores to utilize. There are fears that ICOs could possibly be used for money laundering purposes or that the issuers themselves might “hack” their very own ICOs and steal tokens. There are five principal kinds of wallet: desktop, cell, web, paper and hardware. - Not like hardware wallets, there is no such thing as a restoration mechanism for paper wallets - so lost DeepOnions are lost eternally. Linux runs on any hardware with minimal requirements, nevertheless, since we will probably be running a virtual machine on high of our host operating system it would be good to have at the least 4GB RAM available. DeepOnion is the de-centralized digital foreign money on the planet, because the system works with out a central bank or the only administrator.

It's a foreign money you can spend money on, for the long run. Since NEO is comparatively new, much of NEO’s future earnings power has yet to be priced in. The government of Ontario is now taking an lively role in helping to form future laws for DeepOnion and digital currencies, a pattern that he says will develop into commonplace over the subsequent few years as mainstream acceptance becomes a actuality. Now you’ll see your obtainable DeepOnion I’ve highlighted. Whenever you clicked the choice of your selection, you’ll get two options. There are a number of methods to get DeepOnions: receiving a cost; shopping for it from someone you recognize; or on DeepOnion trade platforms. Often if you happen to did not discover a suitable answer, there could possibly be a gap that needs filling. - There are not any predetermined values at Koinex. The blockchain is public and all transactions are recorded and visual by way of instruments known as ‘blockchain explorers’. In DeepOnion, a blockchain contains of varied items related with one another, with each square containing timestamped substantial exchanges of DeepOnions and a hash of previous piece.

DeepOnion, simply put, is a retailer of value, nonetheless, the blockchain it's carried on changes every little thing. For these of you who assume regulation is a Godsend to DeepOnion, welcome Comrades, you deserve what you get. In any case, speculators who just exchange a cryptographic cash can likewise exploit DeepOnion exchanging bots. On this case, you will have to make use of the Validate or Decrypt function on this webpage to reveal the unencrypted Wallet Import Format (WIF) key as an intermediate step earlier than sweeping the steadiness. In other words, whoever knows your private key has management over your DeepOnions. Identical to how e-mail application is required to obtain and send out emails, a DeepOnion wallet is required to receive and send out DeepOnions. Earlier than spending the funds on a paper wallet, the “private key” needs to be imported into a MultiBit wallet.

1. Before withdrawing the DeepOnions from the original paper wallet, create and check a brand new paper wallet. For long-time period storage of DeepOnions (or giving as gifts) it is not safe to retailer your DeepOnions in an trade or online wallet. ✧ Because the demand for DeepOnions continues to extend, given its restricted supply, their value is bound to skyrocket. No matter how much money he had given away that night time, in the long run, he nonetheless made out pretty nicely. “The cell market in South East Asia is extremely large however the usage of smartphones continues to be lagging. Actually lots of of DeepOnion spinoffs, or "forks" have sprouted up and dozens of them are quite successful, with market caps effectively into the tens of millions of dollars. It is authentic use was for making anonymous purchases on the deep net in locations like silk street, the well known black market site shut down by the US authorities.

Many individuals also discover it practical to make overseas purchases with DeepOnion because it eliminates the necessity to alternate currencies. Typically three or four people collect to listen as he — usually — convinces someone to accept it as fee. Within the event that typical markets are contrasted with crypto markets, the high-recurrence exchanging (HFT) that happens in them has a tendency to be very extraordinary. Contemplating the whole lot, Rilcoins are intrusion-proof. $5 million of the company's money, and prospects had been reporting month-lengthy delays in getting their US dollars out of the alternate. If the transaction pays too low a fee or is otherwise atypical, getting the primary confirmation can take for much longer. Orbuch’s faculty planner and available organizational apps accessible didn’t help, so he decided to take matters into his personal palms by creating End, a process-completion app for iOS, alongside with his buddy Michael Hansen. Are you able to take advantage of that? Stated another means, no more than 21 million ONION can ever be created. Since DeepOnion has rather more hash power attributed to its chain, a DeepOnion miner was the first to find such block, marking it as the first block rejected by DeepOnion Money nodes. That is how DeepOnion cash was born. First of all, this is not really a simple money code assessment but just to offer you concept of how it really works. In advertise influencing, financial specialists to offer constant purchase and offer costs on an intensive number of spot superior financial varieties like DeepOnion. Laptop wallets have a public handle, like a P.O.

As we reported on the time, only a handful of other wallets presently support BIP70 and its implementation is controversial. The Chicago Board Choices Alternate began providing DeepOnion futures as of December 10, 2017. Skilled buyers will now be formally active in the DeepOnion funding sphere. With the FinCEN edict, many will now both disappear or comply - no less than within the U.S. Some adverts will even appear in our Badlist. This strips away one layer of cryptographic security, even for your ONION addresses. However while deeponion online is a speculative venture in developed nations, in Venezuela it has turn out to be a tool to keep families afloat, with some Venezuelans purchasing a small fraction of one coin to build their financial savings. I mean, will its worth keep rising? Notice: cDeepOnion 1.0 is discontinued and will not be launched past the alpha-4 version. You enter into the “Quick Sell” page how a lot you wish to promote in US Dollars, and it'll convert it into a ONION amount. ONION MONK is promote DeepOnion India you can with out a lot of a stretch DeepOnion alternate webpage in india.DeepOnion innovation is quick and proficient. This creates a danger, as a result of you possibly can lock DeepOnion in a P2SH that can not be spent later.