#they r just being silly and goofy your honor

[toqiuh]

felt like doing a cute fanart of them

[callsigncrash]

So real

[kingdaddydaichi]

NSFW Alphabet || Katsuki Bakugou

I had so much fun with this! Vodka may or may not have been involved in the making of this little ditty. 🍸 I hope you shameless hussies enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. 😩

*Exhibit A:

(Source)

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

I feel like he gets clingy asf, but plays it off like it's something he's doing for your sake. He'll probably never admit that he feels so vulnerable after sex, but he does. If it was a rough session - which it usually is with him - he'll ask if you're okay, if you're hurt anywhere, kiss any marks he left on you - he's such a protective hero boi.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His: he's not gonna lie, he's fully aware of how well-endowed he is. He really is proud of his cock, the way it makes you sing when he works it - and he knows how to work it okay? Favorite non-sexual body part - his arms. He works hard to keep them cut (as in lifting, not cutting). 😬

Yours: listen, Katsuki is an ass man through and through. Go ahead and tell me I'm wrong, I'm 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 listening 👏🏼. He loves to watch the subtle ripples he sends through your ass cheeks when he's driving into you from behind. Also, our big scary boomboom man appreciates a nice, thicc pair of thighs. Bonus points if they're muscular/toned - he loves the way it feels when your thighs have such a strong grip around him.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Let's just say our boy's orgasms are explosive. He cums hard and loud, shooting long ropes of his hot seed. Consistency is about average, not too thick, not to thin, but there's a lot of it. He doesn't taste too bad - salty, but not too bitter. You're more likely to gag from the sheer volume and force of his cum hitting the back of your throat than the flavor.

His precum gets honorable mention here. It's fucking delicious. That is all.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

It took him no less than 2 years into your relationship to tell you this, and if you ever tell anyone he might actually kill you, or at the very least make your ass bleed. He hasn't gotten to the point that he's ready to try it yet, but he's not entirely opposed to the idea of you pegging him. Someday. It kinda does make his balls tingle a little just thinking about it tbh. He hasn't yet, but he thinks he might be ready to try working up to it and is really close to asking you to stick a finger in his ass and stroke his prostate. He's heard how good it feels and he's super curious to find out for himself.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Not very experienced, actually. He's only had 1 or 2 lovers before you, BUT he's determined to be #1 at everything. Couple that with how perceptive he is and you've got yourself a winner of a loverboy. He's going to make damn sure that, even if things don't work out between you two, he will always ALWAYS be the best you've ever had. No other man will outdo him, E-V-E-R.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Doggystyle all the way, baby. As stated before, he loves watching your booty jiggle every time he slams his hips against it. He gets off on spreading your ass cheeks to watch his slick-coated cock slide in and out of you. God he just loves hitting it from behind, makes his dick so fucking hard.

Bonus 2nd Favorite Position (couldn't help myself): you on your back with your ankles on his shoulders, your ass lifted off the bed, him on his knees and hugging those thick thighs of yours, keeping them closed as he reams into you. (Slight variation of this one: he leans over you, nearly folding you in half, putting you back on your shoulders with his hands pressing into the mattress beside you, angling you such that his prominent corona rubs over your g-spot as he drills down into you. 10/10 you're gonna scream his name when (not if) your liquid gushes all over him.)

Tell me the truth, am I a disgusting human being? Here are all the fucks I give:

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Bakugou is serious asf about his sex game. This is not the time to joke around or poke fun at him, understand me? If you do he will get pissed and either fuck the silly out of you, or if he's feeling particularly ruthless he'll just stop altogether and let you ache for him as punishment until you beg him for release.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He takes care of his body, paying a lot of attention to his hygiene, which includes manscaping to keep his pubic hair trimmed and kempt. The carpet's just a shade darker than the drapes, like a honey blond. If he lets it grow out, it sticks straight out just like his head hair. It's actually kind of funny and he hates it.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

*sigh* Let's be honest. Katsuki is not the super romantic type, at least not outwardly. However, if he realizes something he's doing is hurting you - physically or emotionally - he's going to stop dead in his tracks and hold you close, push his fingers through your hair, and tell you how much he loves you and how safe you are. He can be rough and he can be an asshole, but if he thinks he's genuinely hurt you at all, he's all over you, doing everything he can to make you understand that he will never let anyone hurt you, especially not himself. Got that?

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He doesn't jack off very often. You two share a very active sex life so he doesn't see the need to. If you have to be apart for more than a day or two, he'll rub one out. Or if the need hits him particularly hard and you're not available or in the mood, he's not above closing his eyes and reaching into his pants to wrap his thick fingers around his cock and start tugging.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Lord Baby Jesus, where do I even begin? Kinky, kinky Katsuki. This man should come with warning signs and disclaimers.

First of all, he dom asf okay? Even if he lets you play with his ass someday, he's gonna be bratty about it. He's going to top from the bottom, hashtag facts. And trust that he WILL own you afterwards to securely reestablish his dominance.

Giving and Receiving: Hair pulling. DIRTY TALK - you think he's got a potty mouth in the streets? His mouth is downright filthy between the sheets. Loves it when you dirty talk right back to him. "You love taking my fat cock, don't you princess?" "Mm yessss, fuck me, Katsuki! Your cock feels so fucking good babyyy!" He eats that shit up.

Giving Only: Degradation. Praise. Spanking. Cockwarming. Dom/sub/power play. Shibari/ropework (he tried it bc you wanted to and he fucking loved it). Creampies. Begging. Discipline. Ravishment.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Literally anywhere inside your home/homes - bed, bathroom/kitchen countertops, kitchen/dining table, office desk/chair, any piece furniture is fair game really, up against a wall, washer/dryer, the fucking floor, ugh just all the places to fuck. Not one square foot is sacred tbh.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Wear something that showcases the curve of your butt. Doesn't have to be revealing per se, matter of fact he'll get possessive as fuck if you're showing too much skin in public. At home/privately though? He can't help himself. Dat ass tho...he is going to smack it hard enough that it stings and that's final, understand?

Tease him. You can't be obvious about it though. If he senses that you're doing it on purpose, it'll just backfire. But if you just so happen to brush against his crotch when you squeeze past him, it'll drive him crazy. Go commando in short shorts/skirt and cross your legs just so, his dick will twitch. Even better if you do shit like this in public where you know he won't act on it. But when you get home you best believe he's going to dick you down so hard, won't even bother to take said shorts or skirt off.

His ears and neck are his most sensitive erogenous zones. Whisper in his ear or kiss his neck and he's going to grit his teeth in an effort to fight back the shudder that threatens to rattle his bones.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Let's get one thing straight. Katsuki Bakugou does not share. This is non-negotiable. He will not agree to anything involving additional people - cuckolding, threesomes, orgies, exhibitionism, voyeurism (unless it's him watching you pleasure yourself - that he will gladly do, and probably start palming himself in the process).

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Loves giving and receiving. Giving puts him in full control of your pleasure, receiving makes him feel like you're worshipping his cock, which you probably are. Have you seen this man's cock? Of course you have. Gatdamn.

Y'all, Katsuki's so good at eating pussy. Like how does one get that good at eating pussy? I don't even know, but god the way he flicks his hot tongue over your precious, tiny bud before wearing it down like a fucking feed bag? It's unnatural. Like it could be his backup quirk if blowing shit up doesn't work out. You've seen the way he licks his lips when he gets excited, everyone has.* He doesn't even bother swallowing while he's feeding on you so you just be dripping in slick and saliva and he's just slurping away. It's lewd.

*See Exhibit A above.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

You already know this, but I'll say it anyway. His go-to fucking style is fast and rough, dominant and relentless, hard and dirty. But every once in a while he'll want to take you slow and deep and passionate. He'll hold you so tight in his arms and chest, you'll have to tap his shoulder sometimes to let you breathe. And he'll just roll his hips so fucking thoroughly both of you will feel every last inch, his pubic bone rubbing your clit so hard. You've told him so many times how much you love it when he makes love to you like this, but he maybe makes it a rare treat on purpose. 😈 Little shit.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Quickies are difficult for our boy. It's not that he's against them, it's just that he savors every drop of sensuality, he has a tendency to draw the pleasure out as long as possible. He can’t help it.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

The idea of having public sex turns him on, but he's only done it with you a couple of times when he was 10000% sure you wouldn't be caught. He can't risk doing anything that would tarnish his reputation and goal of becoming the #1 Hero. He might be freaky as hell, but he needs a sex scandal like an Alaskan needs a refrigerator.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He loves you long time. He's a Taurus for fuck's sake (well, Aries/Taurus cuspie, but that just sweetens the deal). Great stamina. Grinds you down like a whetstone. Can last as long as he needs to to ensure you cum for him as many times as it takes for you to beg him to stop. If he feels himself getting too close while you're blowing him, he'll stop you and go down on you instead. If he's inside of you, he'll pull out and start kissing all over your body, sucking, nipping, licking until his urge to cum passes, then he pushes it right back in and keeps going.

If on the off-chance he does cum before you, he'll be ready to go again in about 20-30 mins. Just give him some motivation, he deserves it.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He didn't own any toys when you first got together, but you did. He hated the idea of you using them though, especially when he's right there with you. You've since assured him that you don't want to use them to replace him, but to enhance the pleasure. So now you do use them from time to time.

The first time you managed to coax him into using a toy together, it was a small wireless bullet with a remote. When you brought it out and showed it to him, there was a wild glint in his eye. He carefully inserted the vibrator into you, his cock slowly following suit. He loved the fact that he had complete control over this thing, but later complained because the sensation of it against the head of his cock made him cum too fast. He still wants to use it sometimes though. 😏

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Oh he can be so unfair. He loves teasing you until you're begging him to put his cock inside you. He's not so much into orgasm denial per se; he just loves to hear you beg him for shit - to let you cum, to suck his dick, to stop fucking you when you're overstimmed, etc.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Lol he's fucking LOUD! And he's going to make you cum so hard that you're screaming his fucking name. There was a time when one or both of you lived in an apartment and the neighbors would bang on the wall behind your headboard.

Shit, what sounds does he NOT make? He growls, moans, grunts, groans, yells, swears, fucks you so hard you can hear the wet sound of slapping skin, hell even the bed protests. Another reason he doesn't fuck in public - he can't stay quiet enough to be discreet about it.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Okay, as much of a wild sex beast as he is behind closed doors, he gets embarrassed so easily when your sex life is so much as hinted at around others. It's legit funny how flustered he gets about it.

If he goes into work real tired and Kirishima says, "Hey Bakubro, you look like shit this morning. You and (y/n) stay up too late?" while doing the finger in the hole gesture, Katsuki will just "Shut the fuck up, Shitty Hair, or I'll blast your ass right through that fucking wall!"

Or if you two go out together with friends and the girls are talking about sex-related stuff, Katsuki will just roll his eyes and try to ignore it. But if one of them is all "So, (y/n), does Bakugou ever like accidentally let off explosions while you're doing it?" and you wink and say, "Only when he's especially *cough* frustrated *cough*". Katsuki will go red from his neck up to his hairline and start stuttering, sparks flying from his palms. "H-hey, d-don't tell them sh-shit like that! I-it's none of their god-goddamn b-business, (y/n), what th-the f-fuck?!" Meanwhile, you and the girls are in stitches while he stomps away, just mortified, bless his heart. When you catch your breath from laughing you'll follow it up with, "Looks like tonight's gonna be one of those nights", and you all lose it again.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

As has been mentioned, Bakugou's well-endowed. I figure he's packing about 7.5-8" in length x just under 2" wide. He takes some getting used to, that's for damn sure. Oh, and he's more of a shower than a grower. Like around 6" long x 1.5" wide when flaccid. Katsuki + sweatpants/basketball shorts = swinging dick print, alright sis? Take notes, this motherfucker visibly jumps when he does, class dismissed.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Eh, he's surprisingly not ridiculously horny. Maybe a little above average sex drive? A lot of times hero work just takes it out of him and he comes home utterly exhausted and just needs a soft place to land, and you provide him with all the love and nurturing in your heart. ❤

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Depends, really, on the time of day and what type of day it's been. If it's late (like past 9pm lol) and he fought more villains than usual that day, he's probs gonna pass out pretty soon after. If it's earlier in the day - especially first thing in the morning - it gets him pumped and almost comically genki.

[buckyhoney-library]

nsfw alphabet, b.b

A/N: so sorry it took so long! hope you enjoy! sebastians & nomad!steve should be out sometime this week(end)!

reblogs/likes/feedback are greatly appreciated & highly encouraged

However, do NOT repost/steal ANY of my fics on my blog!

Warnings: 18+, language, smutty thoughts, sorry for any missed typos!

chris evans nsfw alphabet

A = Aftercare (What are they like after sex)

bucky takes aftercare so seriously! he makes sure that you have everything that you need and you're taken care of first. showering you in praises, holding you close, getting you water or snacks- he is at your beck and call.

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part on themselves and on their partner)

thighs. thighs. thighs. He loves laying between them with his head resting on your stomach. His fingers tracing patterns on your skin- peppering kisses on the inside. bucky's arms are hooked around them while he is giving you head, rubbing small circles on the outside.

bucky has grown to love his vibranium arm, because of how much you love it. he has changed arm usage from a weapon to a useful tool in every situation. being able to cool it and playing with temperatures, pinning you down- making sure you go nowhere- or even being able to cause it to vibrate.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum)

he loves to paint with his cum. as much as he LOVES to cum inside you and make you hold it- there is something so pretty with his cum plastered on your back or on your tummy. "you look so pretty with my cum on your thighs," bucky is especially fond of watching it drip down your breasts or leak down your thighs. bucky just stares in awe of how it glistens against your skin.

D = Dirty Secret (What do they secretly want)

he wants you to praise him. bucky lives off of praise and when you whimper how good he's making you feel or how he's such a good boy? it throws him over the edge, encouraging him to go faster and harder. he'll never ask for them, but when you start hyping him up, fuck he enters a state of nirvana.

E = Experience (Do they know what they are doing?)

1940's bucky as we all know was very experienced but after eighty years of nothing? he needs a little help regaining his confidence, but man will he practice and have no problems asking for help. he'd be a little embarrassed of cumming early or not being able to satisfy like he used too, but bucky watches porn and experiments like no tomorrow, catching up on all the new toys/techniques/positions etc.

F = Favorite Position (Self-explanatory)

bucky's favorite position would be cowgirl or where you're laying on your side, so he could hold you. cowgirl because he gets the perfect view of your body and everything about it.

with an honorable mention of missionary- but missionary with your legs in the air spread for all can see. if he's feeling a little spicy, he'll press on your lower abdomen, adding extra pressure.

G = Goofy (Are they serious during sex or goofy

BOTH. There is a time and a place for serious, rough, passionate sex (and boy does he enjoy that), but for the most part, Bucky wants you to feel good and he wants to learn- which means there will be some mishaps and failed moments, but he loves those moments just the same.

H = Hair (Are they well-groomed?)

he is well kept and clean. bucky isn't hairless, but he does make sure that everything is trimmed up and clean.

J = Jack Off (Do they masturbate?)

bucky only does when you're away or he's gone for a mission. when you're home, he has no problem telling you he's in the mood. when he does masturbate, it is to your pictures/videos you've sent or through facetime/phone calls. he doesn't watch porn unless that is the only option or he is looking for new things to try with you.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

oh boy does he have loads of kinks! bucky loves praise (receiving or giving)! during the more passionate and rough sessions, he is into degrading (but not too crazy) innocence kink. if you have met after his second sexual awakening? god, how he loves to ruin you. he loves the idea that he gets to teach you and that you're at his mercy. ice play/warming (idk what the word is) he loves when you call him sarg does this man have a filthy sarcastic mouth. dirty remarks of comments that leave his mouth- god, it's enough to you off in seconds.

L = Location (Favorite place to do it)

he is a traditional man at heart, so he loves the bedroom. bucky gets to be as loud as chooses and go as long as he wants without the fear of someone walking in or interrupting.

M = Motivation (What turns them on or gets them going?)

leggings. jeans. short shorts- anything that enhances your thighs or when you shoot back firey/witty comments matching his energy. The more traditional turn on's as well, suggestive comments, touching his chest letting it fall to his belt, lingering kisses on his lips and neck. "it's like you're begging me to fuck you silly,"

N = No (Something they will not do. Turnoffs.)

nothing with bodily fluids (other than saliva or cum) & i don't think he'd be fond of being too open in public- he's a private guy, but he doesn't mind the simple pda and light touches.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skills, etc.)

okay let me tell you- bucky loves getting head. your lips make him cum faster than anything else. "open wide, darling" he loves the ability to do it virtually anywhere (privately of course) and the quick clean up-but he mostly loves watching you take his length completely, hitting the back of your throat. "fuck, such a good girl taking all of me," hearing you moan into him and gag makes him go FERAL. bucky isn't a head pusher, but he does grip your hair.

bucky does love going down on you too. his cock throbs at the sight of your legs shaking and squirming. the sounds you make encourage him more, but he doesn't stop when you cum- he licks up every last drop of you. "im not stopping, so i'd stop moving if i were you," he'll occasionally pop his head up to make sure that he's doing everything right and you're enjoying yourself- the last thing he wants is for you to fake it (which only happened when he first re-entered the dating world)

P = Pace (Are they fast or rough? Or slow and sensual?)

there is a time and place for everything. bucky loves sensual sex because he feels the most connected to you and he has been without physical/emotional connection for so long that it's become a must. it is also where he feels the most control and the best, when he can be 100% vulnerable- something never thought he could do.

fast and rough is for those needy moments where he can't get his hands off of you- complete feral mode. when you've been teasing him relentlessly and he needs to remind you who's in charge. those nights are when the kinkiest of kinks come to play.

Q = Quickies (Their opinions on quickies rather than regular sex)

quickies are reserved for dinner parties, group outings, etc. where you look too good and he can't keep his hands off of you. "i wanna see if you taste as good as you look". quickies usually consist of fast rough sex that leaves bruises or marks. they also mainly consist of giving/receiving head.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

oh does he! he has almost ninety years of sex trends/toys/etc to catch up on. it will be the middle of the night and you'd be fast asleep only to be woken up by him shaking your arm and going "baby, we have to try this!"

bucky isn't a risk-taker in the sense of public and potentially getting caught, he is a risk-taker in the sense that he is willing to try anything once.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go? How long do they last?)

bub is a super-soldier. his stamina outlasts yours by HOURS. you'd be panting and lying sideways and bucky would be ready for the next round and you'd have to tap out. he would chuckle and hold you, teasing you about how you can't last. "can't handle this cock? i thought you said you could go all night?"

T = Toys (Do they own or use toys on themselves or partners?)

bucky has a whole drawer dedicated to the greatest quality toys. "only the best for you, dollface." he loves seeing how far he can push you with the vibrators. tying the vibrator to your clit and watching you be sent over the moon. bucky wouldn't be too crazy about using toys on himself, but he isn't opposed to being handcuffed (or pegged)

U = Unfair (How much do they like to tease?)

BIGGEST TEASE in the galaxy. Touching you, grazing your heat, kissing your neck, rubbing the inside of your thigh, (stuffing a vibrator inside you while you're on the phone), or whispering dirty things in your ear- but God forbid if you tease him back. there will be hell to pay if you try teasing him back. "you better rethink your next move, darling," "i think you forgot who's allowed to tease who."

V = Volume (How loud are they? What sounds do they make?)

bucky is pretty quiet, with the exceptions of grunts and whimpers. His mouth is filthy and he dirty talks like there is no tomorrow! he is also a cocky little shit and sarcastic- which doesn't stop in the bedroom. "your cunt feel so good around me," "open your eyes, i want you to watch as i ruin you" "look at you, you're soaked for me"

W = Wildcard (Random headcanon for your character)

cockwarming. babe lives for cockwarming. early morning lazy sex, but too lazy to pull out of you. you'd be laying on your side with your leg over his, with his cock buried inside of you. "no, honey, just stay" he would mumble with his head resting in the cook of your neck, placing small kisses on your neck, but falling back asleep.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

baby, that serum did wonders. bucky is packing that seven to eighter. his cock would poke through your tummy and he won't stop talking about it for weeks.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

HIGH. VERY HIGH. he is ready whenever and wherever the time calls.

Z = ZZZ (How quickly do they fall asleep afterward?)

bucky's stamina is so high that he probably is starving. he would perform aftercare for you, but once you'd have cared for- he is standing naked in the kitchen making a sandwich.

[wingsofkpop]

NSFW Alphabet - Yang Jeongin (m)

A - Aftercare

Despite being on the more inexperienced side, I think Jeongin is responsible enough to know that aftercare is a must following sex, whether it be making sure you both are properly hydrated or helping you change the bed sheets. Because he’s usually babied by his members, this sweet boy treasures each moment he’s able to take care of you for a change though he won’t say no if you request to be the bigger spoon for a night or two.

B - Body Part

Seeing as our dear maknae has apparently gotten buff somewhere over the years, he likely takes pride in his biceps and arms in general as he damn well should. We’ll go more in depth about it later, but let’s just say Innie likes to use his strength in more ways than one… Moving on, Jeongin will never not be a fan of your neck. Mans has a bit of a marking tendency, but hormones aside, Jeongin’s in love with your scent, which seems to be more pungent around thah area. Plus, the crook of your neck also makes a good hiding place when he’s shy.

C - Cum

The only place this man’s cumming is in a condom. He may not be a baby anymore, but he doesn’t want any other baby Jeongins showing up anytime soon. Changbin is already a handful enough as it is…

D - Dirty Secret

Now it’s a bit out of the element here, but Jeongin sometimes gets tired of being coddled by his members. That being said, he’s had some fantasies about proving his growness—fantasies that may or may not include getting caught eating you out until you’re a literal puddle by Chan or Hyunjin, or maybe fucking you into the wall just in time for Changbin or Seungmin to walk through the door. Not wanting to disrespect you or anything, he prefers to keep these thoughts to himself… just don’t ask questions if he starts to get a little handsy during movie nights with the other boys.

E - Experience

Like most of the younger Stray Kids members, I don’t think he has too much sexual experience. He’s probably made out with a girl or two over the years, maybe felt her up a bit, but that’s as far as his hands-on exploration goes. Even so, he probably has a general idea of how things are supposed to go, generously provided by stories from his members and the wonders of porn.

F - Favorite Position

Due to his lack of sexual practice, Jeongin probably has not found his all-time favorite position just yet. He’s eager to try everything he possibly can, so expect to be blown away literally every time y’all do the do.

G - Goofy

Jeongin doesn’t mind getting a little silly during sex every once and a while, but he also knows that a more sensual, serious mood is needed too. The first few times will definitely be more casual and light-hearted, kept alive by his playful grin and mischevious fingers. But even as you two begin to become more mature, that same youthful atmosphere will remain, making it feel like the first time every time.

H - Hair

He probably just lets it do it’s own thing honestly. As long as it doesn’t get too unruly, he doesn’t mind it all that much.

I - Intimacy

Seeing he’s likely never been in a serious relationship before you, he’s all about the ideal, romantic aspect of love making. And while there won’t necessarily be rose petals and silk sheets every time you guys have sex, he knows how to make you feel loved and wanted with just his touch alone. Eye contact is also a huge must for Jeongin—he needs to see your face in the moment, to watch the pleasure overtake your body as he brings you to a headspace only few have the privilege to witness. It may sound cheesy, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he has a secret plan to marry you one day, already knowing you’re his forever person.

J - Jack Off

Innie is young, so it’s no surprise his hormones are a bit on the overwhelming side at times. For him, getting off largely depends on if and when he has a moment to himself, which is quite rare between his busy schedule and lack of privacy in the dorm. That being said, he probably masturbates no more than three times a week. If that.

K - Kink

Alright hoes, I’m gonna start this off by saying Jeongin damn well has some sort of strength kink. We’ve all seen the size of those arms. Now he wouldn’t necessarily manhandle you, but if the moment requires him to pick you up by your thighs, or maybe pin your wrists to the bed cause you’re getting a little too frisky, then a man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. He also has a HUGE thing when you get all dressed up for him, whether it be in a dress/suit or a lingerie set. Some other honorable mentions of his include marking, praise, and the occasional teasing.

L - Location

Please, please, PLEASE let this man take you against the wall, or anywhere that lets him show off his strength. He turns into some type of beast, I swear—Bonus points if y’all have the dorm to yourselves, because then he will literally take you against every single surface…

M - Motivation

The second you compliment him, this man will be literal putty in your hands. He loves, and I mean LOVES, when you praise him for his stage performances or MV scenes. And don’t let him catch you watching his fancams… or else prepared to get dicked into next year~

N - NO

BDSM is completely off the table for Jeongin. While he doesn’t mind trying something new every so often, he’s just not comfortable treading into the kind of intense territory that would require use of a safe word. He’s also just not a fan of power dynamics in general.

O - Oral

Sorry fam, oral is just not it for Jeongin. It’s nothing against you, he just doesn’t prefer blow jobs because of his tendency to finish too early, and he’d much rather practice other methods of foreplay to get you both off.

P - Pace

In the beginning stages of your relationship, Innie used to utilize a rapid, sloppy pace. After obtaining more experience, his stroke game is much, much better and more fluid, though he sometimes tends to revert back to an awkward pace when he’s close to climax. But like everyone, his skill and confidence will grow more over time.

Q - Quickie

The only time he’ll settle for a quickie is if he’s completely and totally desperate for your touch. But even then, he needs to be sure your session will take place in an environment that is both private and isolated from any other people. But once he’s comfortable and secure, he’ll drive you into the nearest wall with no further hesitation whatsoever.

R - Risk

Nope, nope, nopity, nope. While the idea of getting caught makes him feel all the things, Jeongin would rather not risk anyone actually walking in on you two when you’re being less than innocent. Especially his members, because if they do, he knows he’ll never hear the end of it.

S - Stamina

He’s got pretty decent stamina. Jeongin can usually go for some foreplay and maybe two rounds depending on how exhausted he is from his schedule. Then again, on days he is a bit more on the tired side, he wouldn’t mind sitting back and letting you do most the work.

T - Toy

The most curious boy omg. Innie’s experience with toys probably stems from porn and the dark side of Reddit, so he’ll be utterly fascinated if you own any nifty gadgets of your own. And while I don’t think he’d actively shop for sex toys, he doesn’t mind spicing things up in the bedroom with a couple vibrators, restraints, or sensation play objects.

U - Unfair

Don’t let his adorable facade fool you—this boy can be the WORST tease on any given day. He’s the type of lover that will suggestively trail his hands across your breasts and thighs, then act all innocent when you call him out. Jeongin is also an expert in getting you to tell him what he wants to hear. For example, “You want me to make you cum, baby? How exactly do you want me to do that?…”

V - Volume

Honestly, this man is a moaning machine. And you may hear some cute little whimpers and whines in that mix too… At first, he was probably a bit bashful to make any noise in that context, but after some coaxing and needed praise from you, he’ll never try to be silent again.

W - Wild Card

Let me set the scene for you: You and Innie watching some horribly budgeted rom-com you found on Netflix, and literally just making fun of the entire movie. That is, until the two main leads start making out in the back of a car. Oh, this shuts you both right up, especially when clothes start coming off and the car windows begin to steam up. The scene ends eventually, but this awkward, sexually tense silence still remains between you and Jeongin, and when you look to your blushing lover, you find him poorly attempting to cover his raging hard on. Then, he clears his throat and cutely stutters, “S-So… You wanna… you know?…”

X - X-ray

He’s a bit below average: 4.5-5 inches. But he’s got some thickness to his name.

Y - Yearning

As already mentioned, Innie tends to hold back in regards to his sexual needs for fear of coming across as a horn dog. You two probably do the nasty at least once a week, but I guarantee you can raise that number if you sit your boyfriend down and explain the concept of a mutually beneficial relationship huehuehue.

Z - ZZZzzz

If there’s one thing that Jeongin loves most in the world, it’s being in your arms after a long and stressful day. Whether or not you choose to end the night with an orgasm or two, he’ll settle himself atop your body, using your breasts as his own personal pillows, and just let his tension melt away in the comforting warmth of your touch. And though he’d never admit it, sometimes he doesn’t really mind being babied after all…

[that-yandere-life]

Steve Rogers

[Thank you for helping me celebrate! I hope that you enjoy, and that it was what you were wanting darling!]

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

All of Steve’s experience comes from back in the day, so he is not as well educated on the proper etiquette of today. However once you explain to him what you require, and the importance of aftercare he will make sure you are taken care of. 

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Favorite part of his: His shoulders, for more reasons than the fact that they are strong enough to hold the weight of the world on them. Or being your shoulder to cry on whenever you need it, to being your scratching post as he is slamming into you with unparalleled force. However the main reason he likes them the most is because it’s your favorite place to fall asleep at night.

Favorite part of yours: Your lips, in fact he often finds himself subconsciously sketching them in his sketchbook. Loving the words and sounds that desperately fall from them as you two are making love. The incredible feeling of them on his own lips, or even better around his cock. ;)

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Inside of you will usually be any yandere’s first choice (including him), but if you are extremely adamant against the idea he would then choose to cum in your mouth. Of course he will make you swallow it as punishment for not letting him cum inside of you.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Packs a pair of your used underwear with him in his go bag if he has to leave you for any length of time. Whether he uses it to get off taking in your scent, or wrapping it around his dick knowing that where he really wanted to be had once touched that very fabric. 

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Yes he does have experience! He is not the virgin everyone seems to think he is. Do you really think that he wouldn’t take someone up on the offer, after getting no attention his entire life? Anyone would be oh so dedicated to helping him make up for lost time, showing him how to properly please a woman. 

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

The “G-Whiz” which is where your legs are up on his shoulders while he is thrusting into you, holding onto your hips where they meet him. The point of this move is that not only is it a deep penetration position, but also continuously hits your G-Spot. Bringing the maximum amount of pleasure for both of you.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Deep down Steve will always be a goofball, sweetheart, marshmallow of a person. While time has hardened him slightly, it’s mostly on the surface level. The Steve Rogers you get is what is within his heart and soul. So sometimes it might be silly, and sweet where the two of you are enjoying each other's company more than anything else. Others are so needy, desperate, and serious that his main goal is making you fall apart over and over again.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Steve is a well kept man, so this would also mean he is trimmed and kept down there as well. Although his happy trail is something he leaves in all its glory, a solid promise for what is to come.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Gets very heated in the moment, a lot of emotions coming up to the surface because he just loves you so damn much. More than he has ever loved anyone, and he truly wants to show you how he feels every time the two of you make love. Sometimes he gets lost in the lust and passion between you and it becomes more about the pleasure aspect, however the love is always there.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Only when he has to be away from you, or you aren’t feeling good. Basically when he can’t have you, he will take care of the job himself.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Everyone knows he has a Captain kink this isn’t news to anyone, he likes feeling like he has authority over you in the bedroom. Maybe a little bit of a complex left over from when he was small and frail, but who is to say? Really likes seeing you try on his uniform though, and attempt to wield his shield. 

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

In the bedroom, because while he isn’t bashful by any means he doesn’t want to tarnish either of your reputations if you were caught somewhere public. 

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

The smell of your perfume, the one you wear very rarely because it was so expensive you can’t justify using it all the time. The one reserved for special occasions, where you both dress to the nines. The one that will be the only thing you are wearing by the end of the evening. ;)

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything in public, he doesn’t mind in the privacy of a hotel, or home, but he draws the line at that. Possibly a little bit due to how he was raised honestly, brought up to always defend someone’s honor, especially of those he loved.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

The boy can do more with his tongue than just give motivation to others, he can tear you apart just to build you back up again. However he LOVES to receive, and would never turn you down if you ask him. The sight of you on your knees pleasuring him, teasing him, your tongue swirling purposefully around his shaft making him fall apart like the world no longer exists around him.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Both, he wants to be sweet, but also fuck you into the mattress. It’s truly the best of both worlds, and he knows exactly when you are ready to switch it up and get off. 

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Ideally he likes to take his time, but if you both only have a limited amount of time and are too horny to function he will make an exception.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

As long as it is within the confines of your bedroom he will try pretty much anything you want him to. Understanding that sex has changed quite a bit from when he was from, wanting to learn anything you are willing to teach him. 

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Two words: SUPER SOLDIER, he can do it all day ;) (Pun intended) But seriously, he has so much stamina it’s rare that you don’t have trouble walking the next day.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Steve would be fascinated by toys, especially the technology versus the purpose of them. So he would definitely be down to try various things you suggest, or will pick some out if you show him something he is interested in trying.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Steve doesn’t tease, and is most definitely the type to punish you if you tease him. Get ready for orgasm denial until you are damn close to shouting your safe word. Only then would he bring you over the edge.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Average level of sounds, moans, groans, praising, punishing, dirty talk. Nothing overtly loud to draw attention in any way. 

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Steve is a Dom, in every sense of the word. So likely your submissiveness is what got him interested in the first place. You better listen to the Captain if you know what is good for you. 

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Thick, beautiful, uncut cock. Above average length, think Adonis level attractive. 

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Much higher after he met you, before it was hit or miss depending on the moment. Having many distractions, and more important situations to deal with at the time. 

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Not very fast, he wants to watch you fall asleep on his shoulder. Making sure you are happy, comfortable, and feeling safe before he lets himself join you in slumber.

[dumbasswhatever]

I'm back! :D ... At first, I've been super stressed and anxious about the gender crisis but now that I know that there are people who will always accept and support me, I don't give a fuck anymore. Gender is complicated and half of the time I'm sure that I don't have one.😂 Coming to terms with the fact that I might be poly was very hard and complicated. You see, there I was, having a wonderful girlfriend. I was totally happy and in love with her. Then one day, I look at a friend and wonder whether my feelings for them are only platonic or not. But what about my wonderful girlfriend? I wanted to ignore that I might be poly, but I couldn't. And so I did the most scaring thing in the world and told my girlfriend. She's super accepting and supportive though, so I shouldn't have worried too much about it... Anyway, when my niece was a baby, she couldn't pronounce words with an 'r' in it right. That was fun because my name has an 'r' in it. I won't tell you my name now but if my name was, I don't know, let's say Laura, she'd say Lauha. She made 'h's out of the 'r's. We also had a time where she called me by my middle name. I'm not 100% sure why we did that but I think it might have been because I didn't want her to call me 'Aunt' because I was also only a child. (I was 8 when she was born.)... I don't know why I've been depressed lately. I just am. And I'm always super tired... Anyway, it's really cold today. How's the weather where you live?... I feel like I've given too much information for one ask. I'm sorry that it got so long... Here's some more flowers for you: 💐🌸💮🌻🌹🌼💐🌸🥀💮🌸🌸💐🌹🌼🌼💮🥀🌻🌸💮🌸🌼🌻🥀🌸💮🌸🌹💐🌸💐🌸🌼🌸💮🌹🌸🌼🌹💮🌹💐🥀🌻🌸🌼🌸🌻🌹 I hope you're doing great! (the great and honorable crush anon💜)

honestly gender is just like.........nah. idk her. im a silly little boy and a catgirl and a rascal and an idiot all at once. but yeah, things got a lot easier for me once i messaged my sister telling her that i realized i was nonbinary, and she responded with “oh pog. want me to use different pronouns?” like...the fact that she was supportive but didnt make it a huge deal really helped, and i’ve managed to tell my mom and dad as well, and i’ve recently begun correcting my mom whenever she calls me a girl or a woman. :D im so glad that you’ve been able to accept that gender is a FUCK and that your girlfriend accepted you for being poly :D

ashdakl i was 19 when my niece was born, and at first i didnt want her calling me aunt bc i felt like i was too young for it, but as it turns out, im a complete pushover when it comes to her. she called me “auntie” and i went “yes yes im auntie yoostice :D” like a chump. 

sometimes the depression just...hits. no rhyme or reason. im sorry. but i’ve had some extra energy today, i’m sending some your way.

the weather here is...coolish? its about 64 degrees F (about 18 degrees C) right now. im treasuring this coolness before it becomes absolutely sweltering

anyways, i’ve been....uh.................today i started writing a fic about klavier trying to figure out who sent him a love letter. its unrelated to you, i promise askjhdklajna it’s just a goofy fic and i’m having fun writing it, so i’m having a good day, and i hope you are too

[copper-wasp]

Even a Devil May Drabble: Smutty Alphabet for Vergil (Part 15/?)

Hi readers! I’m back! Taking a few months off was truly beneficial for my mental health, but good golly gosh I really did miss writing. I hope this lil’ ditty makes up for my absence!

Title: Smutty Alphabet for Vergil, Son of Sparda, The Alpha and the Omega

Rating: E

Words: 1,678

Tag List: @exsultry​ @drusoona​ @xalmasyx​ @blindedstarlight​ @synchronmurmurs​ & any other Vergil lovers out there ~~~

(If you want to be added to the tag list, let me know 💕 )

Also posted to AO3 ~~~

A - Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Vergil worships you both during and after sex; he’ll stroke your hair and pepper soft kisses over your flushed cheeks before cleaning you up. If you try to get out of bed, he scolds you, demanding that you stay put and let him take care of you.

B - Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) His arms; lithe and strong, lean muscle wrapped around bone - they can cause so much destruction and hurt, but they can also hold you, pull you close to him if you wake up gasping, still in the grip of a nightmare. He loves feeling your palms trace up them, your fingers curling over his shoulders as you stand on tiptoe to kiss him.

Vergil loves his partner’s eyes. He loves looking into them, seeing how they squint when you smile, narrow when you challenge him, water when he spills his emotions to you, and of course, roll back when he drives you to your release.  

C - Cum (Anything to do with cum) Vergil definitely prefers to leave himself inside you, thick release coating your warm cunt. He was the most excited when you said he didn’t have to wear a condom anymore, the mere thought of being able to come inside enough to make him ravenous for you.

D - Dirty Secret He’s a bit of a voyeur; he loves to watch you dress after sex, watching your hands pull your clothing down over your body.

He’s nervous to bring it up, but he’d love to watch you pleasure yourself, delicate fingers stroking the places that make you moan, lost in bliss as he stood there, unaware of his presence.  

E - Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) Vergil’s experience level is low, but the man is a natural at making love. He’s also very good with taking direction, and the things he remembers you like, regardless of how seemingly insignificant, always sends you in the best way.

F - Favorite Position Missionary, for sure. He loves being able to envelop you, let his weight settle atop your body, overloading your every sense with him. He also likes that he can see your face, watch it contort in pleasure, your pupils blown out when you squeeze around him, taking every bit of pleasure you can.  

Though he also doesn’t discount a good ride, fascinated with your bouncing breasts as you grind yourself against him, thighs gripping his hips to kept yourself upright.  

G - Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc?) Serious boy is serious. Even Vergil’s dirty talk is serious - but that doesn’t stop it from being the goddamn hottest thing you’ve ever heard.  

H - Hot Spots (A place that drives them crazy when touched) His neck, for sure. Feeling the soft pads of your fingers trace over the most vulnerable part of his body makes his heart beat so much faster. And then faster still knowing you can feel it thumping beneath your touch.

I - Intimacy (How are they in the moment, romantically?) Vergil always makes sure you know how loved you are. He sings your praises so often you almost flush, turning your head away, unable to hold his gaze when he says such things. But he’ll gently turn your head back to face him, continuing to whisper words of love against your lips, punctuating each sentiment with a soft kiss.  

J - Jack Off (Masturbation Headcanon) Vergil doesn’t jerk off too often. He’d much rather wait the extra ten minutes for him to get to your place so he can fuck you silly. After all, why would he touch himself when he knows you’d so willingly take on the task?

K - Kink (One or more of their kinks) One word - bondage. Vergil loves having you trussed up like a present, ready for him to unwrap, or tease. He was pleasantly surprised with how quickly you agreed to his ask, and the reason for your eagerness became clear when he tore the most sinful noises from your throat, interspersed with pleas for more. He’d never exercised as much self control as he did that night, wanting to take you over and over, but resisting, preferring to edge and tease and have you beg for him so much more.  

L - Location (Favorite places to do the do) Vergil feels the most comfortable in a bed with you; there are no limits to the positions you can try, no one to interrupt, nothing that could change the charged atmosphere between you. Now, that one night in the backseat of your car when you’d pulled over to wait for a snow squall to pass, that was quite an interesting change of scenery. Or when you’d convinced him to take you from behind while you were bent over Dante’s desk, that was something he’d never forget.

M - Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going?) Vergil prefers the chase. Especially when you initiate it with sly touches and dirty quips whispered in his ear in public. He loves when you rile him up, even when you understand the punishment you’ll receive when he finally has you in his grasp.

N - No (Something they won’t do, turn offs) Anything you don’t want to do. He knows that “no” is non-negotiable, and he respects you too much to do anything other than stop.

O - Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc) Giving, giving, giving. Your taste, your scent, the way your thighs tense against his head and your fingers weave into his hair, all of it drives him wild.

P - Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual?) Vergil will do either; he’s good at reading your mood, or if you tell him what you’d like, he will gladly comply. It doesn’t matter if it’s slow and steady or he’s fucking you into the mattress, he’s honored every time you choose him.  

Q - Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc) Not his thing. When he has you, he wants to take his time.

R - Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks, etc?) Vergil is absolutely game to experiment. He’s pretty nonjudgmental when it comes to matters of sex, and would definitely be up for anything new within reason. He might also have some ideas of his own that he’d like to try, and they might involve a blindfold, a crop, and some absolutely filthy dirty talk.

S - Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?) Vergil can literally go for hours. Be careful not to tease him about his stamina, else you may also find yourself going for hours. There’s something he loves about hearing your breathy, overstimulated moans as he pulls orgasm after orgasm out of you and filling you up with his own release.  

T - Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or on themselves?) He will often use toys as an enhancement to your lovemaking. Vergil prefers to be the one using them on you, watching you squirm under a vibrator or how your back arches when he pushes a smooth, silicone plug into your ass. But he also loves when it’s just him, his hands... and his mouth.  

U - Unfair (How much do they like to tease?) Vergil enjoys teasing, no doubt about it. Particularly when he’s got you at his mercy, toying with you until you beg; he loves the sound of your voice when you’re desperate, but even more so when he gives you what you desire. The buildup culminating into something that encompasses the both of you, peaking with a beautiful, breathless moan, that he’ll more often than not swallow right from your lips.

V - Volume (How loud are they? What sounds do they make?) Vergil is usually quiet as he prefers to hear your lovely noises, but you like the challenge of getting him to groan and curse and have his voice join yours in a satisfied chorus.

W - Wild Card (Random headcanon for the character of your choice) While Vergil does love being in charge, there is also a desire to be submissive. Once he got over himself enough to ask you to dominate him, you had him calling you ‘mistress’ in no time flat, begging you to let him come.

X - X-Ray (What’s going on under those clothes) Vergil is slim, but his body is roped with lean muscle, and you love tracing over the soft dips between them. His long, lithe legs drive you absolutely wild, and it’s always a treat when he lets you wantonly rut yourself against his thigh.

His cock matches the rest of him; long enough to reach your deepest spots, not too thick, and with a gentle upward curve, perfectly engineered to fit your body. The head is a bit wider than the shaft, a satisfying ‘pop’ when he pushes it past your entrance.

Y - Yearning (How high is their sex drive?) Average, but can always be convinced if you’d like him more often. Not that he doesn’t have spells where he craves you like no other, and ignores any other responsibilities to stay in bed with you for days.

Z - ZZZ (How quickly do they fall asleep afterwards?) Vergil will never fall asleep before you do. He will bundle you in his arms, making his chest your pillow, and gently stroke your hair until he feels your breathing even out and your heartbeat slow. He’ll trace his gaze over your face, your eyelashes resting against your cheeks, lips parted just a little to allow your warm breath to escape. Having you fall asleep first also gives him time to think about how lucky he is to have you, how he nearly can’t believe that you chose him.

-:- -:- -:-

Thank you for reading!

AO3: copper_wasp

Twitter: copper_wasp_ Discord: copper_wasp#1545

[namelessarcher]

Cu Chulainn (Caster) | Straight Face

Prompt: Winter Proposal

Cu never actually thought that he’d find another person in his life that he would want to spend the rest of his life with. He had thought that upon being summoned by you, that would be the end of it. That would be it. And yet, and yet here he is making his plans to figure out how to propose to you properly.

He was certain you wouldn’t want anything too outlandish or out of the box. You always seemed so carefree, so nonchalant about things. You’d shy away from taking full credit, and you would step away from the spotlight, all so you could let someone else take the role of the protagonist instead. So there was almost no way that you would ever let yourself be embarrassed by a proposal. For all he knew, you might even reject his proposal as a result.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips, would it be a mistake to ask you to spend the rest of your life with him? You were a human, and he was a Servant of the past. The past was never supposed to interfere with the future, and quite frankly there was still the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that his affections towards you would impede your future. He didn’t like the idea of it, but he still couldn’t find it in himself to step away.

He loved you, truly he did.

In his selflessness, he would be willing to watch you live your life happy whether or not it included him in the picture. As long as you were happy and that there was a smile on your face, that’s all that mattered to him.

And yet in his selfishness, he wanted nothing more than to be the person to bring a smile on your face. His heart races each time you call his name, and he can’t stop the blush on his cheeks from flushing each time you gently held onto his arm or patted his back. He loved your gentle touch of affection, and he loved how he was the lucky person who was allowed to see your smile, who you turn to when you were feeling down. He was one of the only ones that were allowed to see you at your weakest, and it always made him feel both proud and almost a bit sad that he couldn’t do anything for you at times.

He sighed. Would it be bad for him to confess?

A second sigh escaped his lips, and almost immediately he heard a knock on his room door.

“Come in.”

“Cu!”

He could never mistaken your voice for anyone else. It was uniquely yours, and it always managed to soothe his soul from all the thoughts and past memories that burdened it. He stood up and smiled, “What’s up, Master?”

“I heard you were having a hard time today, everything okay?”

“Me? A hard time? No, I’m perfectly fine.”

“Hmmm, I don’t believe you,” you whistled. You shrugged and asked, “So nothing happened?”

“Nope.”

Cu lied through his teeth, and was facing away from you. He was a bit scared that if he did turn around you’d see right through him. You’ve called him out before for all the times that he’s avoided doing something for you or avoided a confrontation.

“Well, in that case, you wanna teach me more rune magic?”

“Again?”

Cu turned around, slightly exasperated. He’s already been lectured several times by others that it was far too dangerous for a human like you to learn Celtic runes. It wasn’t as though you weren’t capable, it just took up more magical energy than preferred.

“Yeah!”

“Fine, fine, let me go get some jewels for catalyst,” he sighed in resignation as he went to grab his stash. As he left the room, he heard you flop onto his bed and he couldn’t stop the silly grin from appearing on his face. It was nice, even if he didn’t know how to tell you about the proposal.

As he slowly looked over each jewel, a revelation slapped him across the face. I could propose with the runes. If it weren’t for the fact that he has gotten used to lying through his teeth after all the years of escaping Scathach’s training regimen, he probably wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face properly.

As he came back to the room with the jewels, he laid them out on the bed beside you. You looked at them eagerly and asked, “Anything special about these jewels?”

“Besides the fact that these ones happen to shine the brightest? Not really,” Cu responded. He spread them out evenly and continued, “Today I’ll teach you a way to use rune spells for a simple SOS.”

“SOS? So I guess it’d be a way for me to signal my location, though it might be dangerous if the enemy notices.”

“Well,” Cu drawled, “It’s a simple SOS because you can create smokescreens or explosions with them. If you concentrate enough,” he paused as he quickly snapped a jewel into his hand and flicked it into the air before him. The jewel exploded brilliantly and created a simple pattern, and in this case, it was a flower. “With any symbol, you can signal something mid battle as a last ditch effort to reconnect the group in case you guys have to separate.”

“Ooh, that’s pretty,” you commented. Cu rolled his eyes at how you nearly ignored his entire explanation and he continued, “Yeah, they are.”

He casually lifted a few more jewels and activated them, this time each symbol represented the bonds and memories shared between the two of you. Your mere fascination slowly changed as it dawned upon you the actual situation here. As you looked around the room, it was as though you were peering through the memories that the two of you shared and you softly asked, “Cu… what is all of this?”

“Well,” Cu sheepishly looked away and mumbled, “I… I’ve been thinking about this a lot, Master. No… [Name].” The way he called your name was so gentle, you found that your breath hitched ever so slightly. He glanced over to you and continued, “I really like you, and I would be honored to be by your side for the rest of your life. I may not be the best Servant in terms of firepower or abilities… but I’ll protect you with my entire being.”

“Cu…”

Your hand gently took his into yours, effectively canceling out the rune magic as it broke his concentration. He glanced over to you and mumbled, “Sorry if this came out of no where, I’ve… really been wanting to tell you, I just didn’t know how.”

“Well, this was a pretty good way to,” you laughed. Your hands locked with his and you smiled, “You know I only asked you to teach me rune magic just so I had an excuse to get closer to you, but this… this was more than I could have anticipated. I would love for you to be by my side, Cu.”

“R-really?!”

“Yeah,” you laughed and continued, “It’d be nice if you could continue teaching me too.”

“I don’t know if I can teach you efficiently right now, I’m really…” Cu stopped. No matter how many years of keeping a straight face, he can’t stop his lips from turning into a silly, goofy smile. He gently pulled you closer and mumbled against your cheek, “Maybe later, just, just come here for now.”

[alinafoxfield]

Five Kisses

The Forgotten First Kiss

Alina came home from the break up that had been her own decision, and slumped into couch next to Liam. She pulled her legs to her chest and leaned into him. “It’s done... new year, new me?” It lasted longer than it should have and she’d not been happy for the last few months with the lack of trust or interest in the relationship. Now she just wanted to go out and drink, dance, and be herself again. “Come out tonight and dance with me? Remind me that not all guys like me for peach emoji.” Her head tilted to the side and she offered up a big smile but her eyes were sad and it must have convinced him because he’d agreed.

A few drinks in and she lost count. Lights blinking to the sound of R&B as she twirled around dancing with her friends. The sadness always left her body when she was dancing and her playful, silly, flirty nature was in full effect. One spin too many and she tumbled into Liam with a laugh. “Oof,” Her palms rested on his chest. “Always there to catch me. I may or may not be drunk.” Her nose crinkled and she sighed, reluctantly pulling her hands away. “Fresh air?”

In the crisp evening air, music thumping behind the heavy door, she looked up at Liam, whose arms were holding her steady at the elbow. The beat of the song made her sway and she started humming a familiar song that was definitely not the one playing inside, completely unaware of anything but Liam being there, her rock, again. “You’re the best.” She smiled up at him, her eyes locking on his. Her hands locked behind his neck, “You’re the best and I am so in love with you.” Alina laughed pulling him to her lips, drinking in the taste of alcohol on his lips before pulling away with a goofy smile and a laugh, too drunk to remember anything from the night except standing in the alley shouting, “Take me home, Liam No-Middle-Name-Because-He’s-Probably-A-Norse-God Collingridge.” 

The Goodbye Kiss

With the early end of the season from COVID-19, her albeit temporary injury, and Liam retiring, it seemed like the company was considering demoting Alina in the new season if they could find their new Alina-Liam dynamic duo. It came with a new weight, the possibility of having to move again to a company that saw her talent as something still great and worth showcasing as a lead. Liam drove her to the airport, her fingers tangled in his the entire drive as her legs bounced nervously in the seat. Pulling up to the departures she leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. “It’s not good bye.” She whispered against his lips, “I just need to know if...” She trailed off, they’d had the discussion, and Alina knew he knew how the contracts worked. Pulling away, she slipped out of the car and grabbed her bag from the back seat only to stand frozen at the door into the airport. She ran back, calling out his name as the car shifted from park to drive. Diving back into the front seat and into his lap, her cheeks wet with tears, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m where I need to be. Take me home, Hamdam”

The First Kiss of Forever

Alina’s mehndi covered hands shook with excitement  as they reached for Liam’s. She wasn’t used to talking in front of people, so she focused on his eyes and spoke her truth before the final two word closed the dating chapter of their lives. “Liam, my best friend, I know in my heart that I’ve always loved you. I don’t mean I fell for you ‘the moment I met you’ or ‘from our first dance’ because there was never ‘a moment’. I have loved you like our souls have found each other over and over again, like our atoms were the first two to collide. There’s no picture, no love song, no words or science that can disprove this. I know it in my heart, I feel it in my bones, I hear it in your laugh, I see it in your eyes... our love has been and will always be a constant in our lives. Like the ocean, we may push and pull, but we we soften glass; reshape stone; give life, color, and beauty to the world. I’m the luckiest person in the world because you love me, luckier still because you want to give me your name, and I promise to cherish, honor, and uplift the blessing of your love every day of my life and when the time comes that we part ways, like our atoms have done before, I have faith you will bring me home again.” She squeezed his hands three times and with a little laugh they rushed the officiant along, saying ‘I do’ in unison just so she could press her lips to his for the first time, as Liam’s forever.

The New Chapter’s Kiss

When the doctors passed their baby girl into Liam’s arms, Alina’s face actually hurt from how much she was smiling. Happy tears fell down her cheeks as she saw the way he looked at the beautiful life he’d brought into this world. She just knew, this man she loved, God, what a wonderful father he’s going to be for that little girl. He brought her over and Alina’s stomach was in knots, so nervous to finally see the little life she’d only known through kicks and ‘alien belly’ sequences. Maybe Liam had been trying to pass her to Alina, maybe he’d been trying to lean the chubby-cheeked face in her direction, but Alina pulled the tall love of her life down to her and pressed a tear soaked kiss to the corner of his mouth. There were no words that could encapsulate how happy or proud or in love she was; but a nurse snapped a picture and it might as well have been a novel and this new chapter with extra kisses for a new little soul ended with familiar words, “Let’s go home, hamdam.”

The Last Kiss

Alina laughed as she walked off the dance floor back to Liam, sitting on his lap as she always did. “God he is just as charming as you. I don’t think the universe knows how lucky those odds are.” Her eyes left their son and his bride to focus on Liam. Her fingers brushed through the salt and pepper in his trimmed beard. “Thank God he’s the last one. I’m getting too old to keep up with our kids.” Her heart didn’t seem to want to calm down from the dance and she stole a swig of Liam’s beer. Speeches came and went, cake was eaten, and Alina’s laugh filled the room to the point that heads turned as she buried her rosey cheeks in the curve of his neck as she felt a clap of a migraine and the ache of exhaustion in her neck. “Hmm take me home, Hamdam, remind me of our wedding night like I’m not in my sixties because I think this old lady is feeling it.” Come morning her head was throbbing enough to make her throw up and pull the blinds closed. Alina pulled Liam’s arms tighter around her bare body, crinkled with time and experience. “I think we over did it.” With a small smile she let him take care of her through the sudden and dizzying headache and sickness. Her skin was pale, her body weak, and by the night of the second day of this she promised she’d go to the doctor’s if she wasn’t better in the morning. Tired and back into his lap, Alina climbed peppering him in soft and sleepy kisses of a familiar love, “I love you so much, Hamdam. Thank you-” She trailed off into unconsciousness, never finishing her sentence as her body tensed and shook, just briefly enough to be alarming and just long enough for it not to be a shiver, her arms fell limp at her sides and she was gone.

[the-pug-addict]

Sfw alphabet for Dracula please 😍

A- affection

Contrary to being a terrifying monster of legend, Drac is a giant ball of affection towards the one he loves. He’ll greet you lovingly, call you “darling,” and hold you tenderly whenever he desires. Of course, he’s going to show far more affection when the two of you are alone than around his vampire peers (simply because he’s feeling more pissy/serious when the subjects are around).

B- body type

TALL TREE. It’s now official that he’s 7 feet tall.

Big hunky teddy bear. Athletic build with broad shoulders, but not too muscular.

C- cuddle

Cuddles abound whenever you desire. When the day is coming to an end and he needs some quality time with you, he will pull you close to him, holding you tight as his form nearly swallows you. His favorite cuddling spots are a couch in the library by the fire, or on the bed.

D- domestic life

Spouse or not, Drac will spoil you like one. The one he loves will get breakfasts in bed every morning while he’s away tending to matters. Supper will always be spent together in the dining hall with the two of you sitting close. Plenty of servants will also be available to tend to your needs while Dracula is away.

You two might have different sleeping schedules, depending on whether you’re human or vampire, but evenings will always be spent together.

E- erogenous

Dracula’s weakest areas are his chin and his ears. They’re so sensitive to touch that shivers go down his spine whenever there’s so much as a light caress to these. Touch them, and he’s almost under a spell. Passion will quickly follow.

F- fiance

Let’s face it. Dracula is so impressed with love that you’re almost automatically married to him if he falls in love with you.

G- gentle

The most powerful vampire in the world part-time; most gentle giant in the world full-time. He’ll treat his love like a delicate flower. Even accidentally bumping into them will cause him to feel heavy remorse. It won’t matter if they’re a tough cookie, either.

H- hugs

Dracula doesn’t hug very often. Actually, before you came into his life, he never had hugs in… 400 years? The first time you hug him, he’ll be caught off guard. But after a moment of realizing what you’re doing, he’ll bow his head and envelop you in his arms slowly.

He’ll never want to let go.

I- i love you

Once in love, he becomes the King of saying I Love You. He’ll say it every way, every day. You’ll get verbal “I love you”’s at least ten times daily. He’ll say it to you through little actions. He’ll show it to you in his kisses. 24/7, he’s going to make damn sure you’re getting the message always.

J- jealousy

VERY, VERY JEALOUS. A side eye at any man/woman who looks at you. Gets pissy when said people try to flirt with you. As long as you’re faithful to him, however, he’ll try his best to be respectful of you, but not without grumbling heavy criticism about the other man/woman when the two of you are alone.

K- kisses

Dracula can give kisses that would put Romeo to shame. A deep, passionate kisser, he’ll either hold your chin or embrace you tightly as he locks his lips with yours. Surprisingly, his lips are warm. A beautiful, gentle suck when he pulls away, too.

L- little one

Must I explain this one? Just take a look at the end of S2E7 sorry if I triggered any tears. Give Drac a kid, and life is fucking beautiful.

M- mother in law

To be honest, there’s a slim chance of any relationship between Dracula and your mom, unless she’s alright with her son/daughter being married to the ultimate King of Vampires. But hey, on the off-chance that she’s cool with it, and if she’s loving and respectful of Dracula, then he’s probably going to like her, too (once he gets past his bias on other humans).

O- openness

Only for you, Dracula is ever open. It’s with the one he loves when he’s the most vulnerable of all. The dark-lord image melts away, his walls fall, and he can feel and speak like a true being around you.  Even sadness and tears will be visible for you to see and to care for. You’re his emotional support, 100%– one of the many reasons why he loves you.

P- patience

This is something he needs when warming up to humans, seeing that he doesn’t trust them in the slightest. Be good to him, let others be good to him, and give him some time. Once he sees that you aren’t a bad person, he’ll become amazed and lower his guard. That’s when things will begin to pick up speed.

Q- quote

“My love shall wane for you, my dear. Not until the sun ceases rising and setting, and not until all the stars grow cold.”

R- remember

Dracula has the sharpest memory and can recall anything that’s happened on a given day. For that reason, he’s going to remember everything that involves you– the day you two met, the way your voice trembled, the day you became friends, your first kiss…

A bonus, since he’ll never forget your anniversary.

S- security

He’s the world’s #1 guardian boyfriend. Not only is he one of the strongest vampires in existence, he’s also hellbent on protecting you with his life. He’ll keep you guarded within his halls, and not a creature is to lay a finger on you. He’ll always want to know your whereabouts so that he can come to your aid in case of emergencies. Nothing shall harm you. Ever.

T- together

Quality time is spent together almost anywhere in or near the castle. His favorite spots are in the garden, the library, or a trail in the woods. He particularly enjoys long walks in which the two of you can engage in thoughtful, deep conversations. Evening is probably the best time of day for quality time, since the two of you are both awake during that period.

U- unique

He’s the King of Vampires, dude. What more do you want?

V- vanity

He’s not exactly vain, but he’ll want to make sure that his appearance his sharp so that others take him seriously.

Great confidence in himself, which is healthier than vanity.

W- wedding

The wedding wouldn’t be as massive as one would expect for a royal monarch. In fact, it might just be the two of you, plus maybe a friend or two to witness. Though the wedding is small, it is no less intimate, and perhaps a little more heartfelt than an average wedding. He’ll almost cry when he says his vows, because he means every word. He’s so blessed to finally make you part of his life.

X- xenial

Not exactly the most hospitable type. He could be taught some manners. He doesn’t take anyone’s coat or offer them anything to drink.

However, if a friend of yours visits, then he’ll muster some respect and treat them like an honorable guest. However, he’s going to need some guidance from you.

Y- yawn

Dracula doesn’t get bored very easily. The only time he does is when someone tells him something he already knows. This is a man who likes to constantly learn– about others, about the world, about life, etc. He gathers information in every conversation. And if it’s his love, then he’s never going to get bored.

Z- zany

Dracula doesn’t really have a goofy sense of humor, though he loves jokes.

Sometimes he turns into the joke itself when he doesn’t get something, or he does something silly by accident. You giggle, and he just sits there confused.

[kumkaniudaku]

Look At Me

A/N: The second Halloween fic. I had high hopes for this, but ended up cutting a lot to save y’all from a 10,000 world one-shot. Still, I hope you enjoy my first attempt at spooky (?) things. 

Warnings: Horror themes. Not proofread...yet.

Word Count: 5,074

In a year of firsts for the young couple, Chadwick and Tasha had finally arrived at the eight-month mark of their relationship and a beloved tradition for them: Halloween. In college, Tasha was known to drag Chadwick to parties across the campus, often convincing him to attend despite his general disdain for the holiday. To him, dressing up in an uncomfortable costume to stand around and maybe dance for a few hours wasn’t worth hassle. For Tasha, the fun of dressing up and stepping outside of normal life was exciting.

This year, however, the roles had mysteriously reversed. Chadwick was excited to put together the Laura Winslow and Steve Urkel couple’s costume he had spent weeks preparing while Tasha seemed to be on edge. The unsettling suspicion that this year was not normal sat on her shoulders like a heavy cloak, and she couldn’t shake the feeling.

Even as she stood in the mirror examining her outfit from all angles, the thought passed through her mind in a never-ending loop.

“Oooooh, Laura,” Chadwick sang, putting on a nasally tone to embody Steve Urkel's essence. Tasha rolled her eyes and continued to stare in the mirror to judge the length of her skirt in the back. Chadwick rested his body against the door frame for a moment, admiring the woman in front of him. “Wow, you look nice. The short wig reminds me of how big your head was back then.”

“Hardy-har-har, Aaron. Aren’t you just the comedian this evening.”

Chadwick took immediate note of Tasha’s despondent tone and quirk a bushy brow over the frame of his glasses, “You okay, Co? This is your thing, but you’ve been out of it all day. Wanna talk about it?”

“I just - I don’t know. Forget it,” she answered while waving him off. “It’s all in my head.”

“You sure?”

“I’m positive.” Chadwick watched Tasha move around the bedroom in curious silence as she searched for items to stick into her purse. “So, where are we going again? And who all is coming? You haven’t given me any details yet.”

“It’ll be the usual suspects. Me, you, your friends....my friends.”

“Your friends like who?” Tasha could sense that her fiance was being vague on purpose, but would not let him skate by without providing answers.

“Shit…you know, friends!”

“Are any of these friends Maurice? The one I can’t stand.”

“No!”

“You’re lying,” Tasha accused, eyeing him closely to catch a glimpse of the subtle signs that pointed to his dishonesty. Sure enough, his left hand flew to the back of his neck to fiddle with the coiled hairs at the nape, a sure-fire indication that he was being less than truthful.

“What? I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Then you better stop talking now, because all I hear is a lie.”

Accepting defeat, Chadwick moved to kneel in front of his lady to begin the second phase of the begging process. “Hear me out, baby. I know you and him don’t see eye to eye, b-”

“Say it how it is. I don’t like him. He’s an egotistical asshole who always gets his “friends” into problems that they end up solving because he is too inept to figure them out by himself. Now, you may continue.”

“Damn, that’s how you really feel?”

“I was holding back for your sake. I can keep going if you want me to.”

“No,” Chadwick exclaimed to stop the onslaught of less than savory comments he was expecting to receive. “I’ll pass, thank you. I promise, though, nothing will happen. The first moment you get uncomfortable, we’ll leave. Deal?”

“Can I get that in writing?”

“Only if I can get a kiss.” A short stare-off between the two preceded and gentle kiss and a few giggles from Tasha. “I promise, nothing will happen tonight.”

“You damn right. Not as long as I have something to say about it. Now, if you don’t mind, please step to the side. You’re squishing my sneakers.”

Looking down, Chadwick noticed his knee creating a dent at the toe of Tasha’s Nike’s that were peeking from beneath the bed. Now presented the perfect opportunity to debut what he’s been working on all day.

A sneaky smirk spread across his face as he locked eyes with Tasha. She knew that look all too well. He was about to unleash something silly that would either annoy her or send her into a fit of giggles.

“Don’t say it.”

“I’m saying it.”

“Please, no.”

“Too late,” he smiled, taking a pause for dramatic effect. “Did I do that?”

“You said it. That’s it. We’re staying here.”

“Wait, no,” Chadwick called after Tasha as she made her way into the Master bathroom. “I was joking, baby. I won’t say it again!”

                                         __________

Tasha watched trees pass the window in large green blurs, trying to ignore the churning in her gut that she thought she’d gotten rid of before leaving the house. Chadwick’s hand rested comfortably on her thigh in an attempt to soothe his fiance without words. If had known that coordinating Halloween antics with Maurice would make her this upset, he would’ve settled for the industry party he was invited to. Unfortunately, it was too late.

“You’re listening to KFI AM 640 where we give you more stimulating talk. Hey, look, before you go out with your friends or your lady to celebrate Spooky Season as the kids call it, let this tidbit of information set the mood.”

Talk radio, or any radio for that matter, playing in the car was a rarity for Chadwick. He preferred his curated old school hip-hop and classic r&b stations across the popular streaming platforms. Had his mind been focused on the sounds around him, he would’ve changed the settings and reconnected to the Bluetooth.

“Today, Halloween, is the 25th anniversary of the Castleberry Murders. All you transplants and tourist don’t know what that is, but around here, the Castleberry Estate is off limits. The story goes like this. John Castleberry, son of Diane and Elias Castleberry was a soft-spoken kid that didn’t get much attention from his parents because of their acting careers. When he turned 21, he decided he was fed up with his parents’ treatment and murdered his family in their sleep. According to police reports and documentaries, the murder was so gruesome, detectives refused to enter the crime scene.”

“Aaron, turn that off,” Tasha requested, snapping Chadwick out of his thoughts.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Wanna know what the craziest part about all this is? John was never caught. There’s people that say he still lives in the city limits. Others say he works in the film industry overseas to get the attention his parents never gave hi-”

“That’s what’s wrong. Turn it off!”

“It’s just a story, Co. It’s probably not even true.”

“That’s not the point. Please, turn it off.”

“Okay, okay.” Chadwick relented with no further protest. Using the directional pad on his steering wheel, he attempted to change the station but found that the system wasn’t responding.

“I’m out of here in a few, but here are some spooky toons to hold you until I get back.”

“Chadwick!”

“Fuck, I’m trying! It won’t switch the station.”

“There is someone walking behind you...” Vocals from The Vogues meant to serve as a romantic reminder filled the front seat with chilling energy that neither passenger had ever felt before. “There is someone watching your footsteps. Turn around, look at me.”

“Please! I’m scared!”

Chadwick struggled with the knob on the radio to no avail, leaving the song to play and distort under its own power. Having had enough of fighting with the object, the palm of his hand collided with the button to shut the system down completely.

Tasha’s labored breaths became the only sound for several moments as she fought to stop her heart from playing a deafening concerto in her ears.

“I-I don’t know what happened. I guess it’s time for maintenance,” Chadwick whispered more to himself than to anyone else. The car came to a slow stop at a red light, giving him the chance to turn and look Tasha. “You okay?”

“No! I am not okay. I’m everything, but okay, right now.”

“Calm down, T.”

“Calm down?! Are you serious, Chadwick? You don’t any of this strange?”

“I told you that it’s time for maintenance. Look,” he added before pointing to the digital dashboard. “Right there. The light just came on.”

Tasha leaned forward for a better look to confirm Chadwick’s findings. Sure enough, an amber light stood out among the rest to indicate the car needed to be serviced as soon as possible.

“Everything is gonna be okay, baby. You gotta trust me.” Chadwick was careful with his movements as he reached over the middle console to interlace his fingers with Tasha’s. Bringing her hands to his mouth, he places a tender kiss to her knuckles. “We’re having fun tonight. Don’t let that trash ass song and fake story ruin our good time.”

Chadwick’s goofy smile and the playful twinkle in his eyes helped to release some of the tension Tasha was holding, leading to an audible sigh of relief.

“Whatever. But, Aaron, I swear if I start feeling weird again -”

“We have to leave. I know, baby. I plan to keep my word.”

“Mhmm,” she mumbled between pecks from Chadwick. “We’ll see. Focus on catching this light before I have to smack this old ass lady. Go around us, damn!”

Directions provided by Siri led the couple to a run-down venue surrounded by unkempt shrubbery. This time, it was Chadwick’s turn to battle with an uneasy feeling as he took a look around the property for any sign of life.

“Let me guess, Maurice told you about this place, huh?”

“Don’t start, Co.”

“That’s what you should’ve told his dumb ass,” Tasha ranted under her breath. “Should I call him and let him know we won’t be staying or will you do the honors?”

“Give him time to show up, then we’ll tell him. I want to hear his explanation in person.”

“You really wanna sit here and watch him those beady eyes look back you and tell you a lie? Couldn’t be me.”

“Tasha, chill.” Chadwick’s was patience was wearing thin with his friend and sarcastic comments from the peanut gallery were not helping the cause. Though Tasha had more comments to unleash, a line of cars entering the lot kept them tucked behind her full lips. “See, we were just early. I’ll ask him what happened.”

“So, I can’t say anything?”

“Nothing.”

“Not even a little bit? Just a teeny tiny bit?”

Pulling his hand back into the care after waving Maurice over, Chadwick turned to give Tasha a stern look. “Nothing. Nada. Let me handle it and we can go.” Tasha’s desire to leave as soon as possible outweighed her need to chastise a grown man though she would’ve loved to hand Maurice a piece of her mind. Instead, she busied herself with social media apps while her man handled the issue.

The faint buzz of the windows rolling down filled the air until Chadwick’s recent friend dressed as Lucky from Poetic Justice was able to return Chadwick’s handshake inside the car.

“Aye man, what type of shit you got us at?”

“Me? You sent the text message with the directions. I was just about to ask you the same shit.”

“Bullshit. I didn’t even know this place existed. I got a text from an unknown number saying it was you and you had to get a new phone or something.”

“Nah, that can’t be right. This what you sent me this morning.” Maurice pulled his cell phone from his pocket to open is message app and show Chadwick the contents of the text he received earlier. “It’s all you brotha. I was just following directions.”

“Wha-,” Chadwick muttered, unable to finish his sentence as he read the message for the third time. While the contact name and number belonged to him, the message did not. “I didn’t send that. Here, you can look for yourself.”

Maurie copied Chadwick’s previous actions and read over the text message before handing the phone back to his friend. “I don’t know what the hell goin’ on, but we ain’t ‘bout to stay and try to figure the shit out. Y’all trynna hit up Avalon. My homeboy said he could get us in if we get there by 10.”

“That cool with you, baby,” Chadwick asked looking in your direction.

“Oh,” you started, feigning shock at being acknowledged. “Can I talk now, Master?”

Rolling his eyes, he rotated his head against the headrest to refocus his attention on Maurice.

“We’re coming. Just lead the way.” A short handshake to end the conversation sent Maurice to the other cars to relay the information. Chadwick focused on damage control and determining the new cause of Tasha’s attitude in the meantime. “What’s wrong with you now?”

“I’m fine. Ecstatic. Wonderful. Couldn’t be happier!”

“Stop, T. You’re not fine.”

“I just find it funny how he can suggest a new idea and you trip over yourself to make it happen, but I say I wanna stay home because I’m uncomfortable and it’s a big deal.” Chadwick opened his mouth to speak but was stopped before he could rattle of an excuse. “Save it. Start the car up so we can go.”

More interested in dropping the bubbling argument than ruining the remainder of the night, Chadwick turned the key in the ignition to restart the car. Instead of expected purr of the engine, their ears were met with a stalling sound and a hollow clunk. Several subsequent tries yielded the same results until there were no sounds at all.

Maurice and the remainder of the group faced the same issue, trying over and over to start their engines with no success.

“Yours down too, man,” Cedric, another member of the group called from his Porsche. “I just got this shit. It shouldn’t be acting like this.”

“This ain’t even my whip. The dealership gave me this until my car was finished in the shop. Keisha, get them niggas on the phone.”

“It’s Saturday at 9:30 pm, jackass,” Maurice’s wife called from the passenger side of their vehicle. “Ain’t nobody answering the damn phone.”

“We can take a look at it real quick and call somebody if we need to. Stay in here, T. This shouldn’t take long.”

Collectively, Cedric, Maurice, and Chadwick crowded around the hood of Maurice’s BMV to figure out the problem. When no answers turned up to explain how three different cars were suffering the same fate, Chadwick resorted to technology.

“Baby, see if we have cell phone service around here.”

“I already did. I have some, but not enough to hold a call.”

“Shit,” he cursed under his breath. “We don’t have service over here. Anybody else workin’ with something?”

Answers scattered across the group all ended with the same conclusion: there was no cell phone service, and seemingly no other hope but to walk until they could find help.

“Fuck it. There’s a cell phone tower going that way,” Maurice pointed out as he motioned ahead of the group. “If we all walk in the direction together, somebody gotta get some bars in the bitch.”

“Walk? In these shoes. Hell no,” Shameeka, Cedric’s girlfriend protested.

“Okay then, girl, stay by yourself. C’mon, Aaron. I don’t like the way this is turning out, so the quicker we figure out what’s happening, the quicker we can get out of here.”

Once the entire group agreed to walk together, the plan was set in motion. As Maurice suspected, the signal strength on everyone’s cell phone did increase. For once, it seemed as if the usually clueless grown man was able to figure out a problem.

“I got some bars,” Shameeka announced. “Baby, should I make the call or s-” A shrill scream cut the young woman’s inquiry short as the ground beneath her caved in. There was no opportunity to react before her body plummeted to steep fall, ending in a blood curdling scream and crunch that was sure to result in several broken bones.

“Yo, what fuck! Meeka! Meeka, can you hear me?” Cedric desperately shouted for his woman to respond, but no answer was returned.

A quick look over the hole left behind revealed two things: whatever she had fallen into was an orchestrated trap and Shameeka wouldn’t be responding anytime soon. Her body lay lifeless and horribly disfigured from the fall. The sight was too much for Tasha to handle, leaving her to bury her face into Chadwick’s chest.

“What the fuck, man? I ain’t come out for this shit. What’s going on.”

“Welcome to the Castleberry Estate,” as sinister voice began over unseen loudspeakers. “Are you ready for your close up?”

“Fuuuuck, fuck, fuck,” Keisha chanted. “Fuck, we gon’ die. We gon’ fuckin’ die and it’s your fault, Maurice!”

“I ain’t do shit! This was Chad’s idea.”

“Why the hell would I set us up to die, idiot? Just because you got us in some stupid shit doesn’t mean you can pass it off on me,” Chadwick accused as he began pacing in place. “I should’ve listen to Tasha. Fuck! I’m sorry, baby. You were right.”

“Shh,” Chatter and movement stopped at Tasha’s request as she came to a disturbing realization. “Did you hear what he said. The Castleberry Estate. The one from the-”

“Radio,” Chadwick finished. “It’s the story from the radio.”

“Y’all heard that too. We tried to change the station, but it - it wouldn’t work.”

“Ah, you all have gotten my invitation. I’m happy to have you here.”

“He can hear us,” Keisha questioned in fear.

“Of course I can hear you. I can see you as well. I’ve been able to see all of you for a while now. I’m glad you could make it.”

“What do you want from us?”

“Oh, the answer to that is simple, Chadwick. Perform...or die.”

“What? Why?”

“For years I watched my parents get sucked into the evil world of filmmaking. Everyday they would forget about me to make movies for audiences would never meet. Years later, all of you continue to engage in the same filth! And for what? To torment me day in day out with the same senseless babble that my parents started?”

Running his long fingers through the coils atop his head, Chadwick tried to make sense of the information being relayed to him from an unknown source.

“But what does that have to do with us? You got your revenge already!”

“I merely started my revenge. Tonight, I continue my quest to exterminate the industry one person at a time.”

Standing to his feet, Cedric took one last look at his girlfriend before addressing the group. “Man, fuck this. I’m leaving. Y’all can sit here and let this nigga with Mommy and Daddy issues scare y’all, but I’m going to find some help!”

“No, Ced, wait!”

Trying to stop him was futile. Cedric’s attempt to escape was shut down in seconds following an assumed rifle shot to the back of the head. Too afraid to make a sound, Tasha felt the wind rush out of her body as her knees gave out beneath her.

“There is no escape, but if anyone else would like to try, be my guest. I’ll try to make your death as painless as possible.”

Wails of terror interfered with Chadwick’s ability to process rational thoughts while he searched for a solution. The group of six had been cut down by two in a matter of minutes, leaving no discernable way of the clutches of the madman coordinating a sinister home movie.

“All we have to do is perform,” Chadwick shouted into the night sky to God knows who.

“Ding, ding, ding! The script is prepared. Stick to the role and you could make it out alive. Are you ready for your first scene?”

Chadwick scanned the leftover members of the group of the group hoping for any guidance on what they should do next. His comfort came from Tasha who had finally recovered from her dizzy spell to grab his hand.

A simple head nod was her way of agreeing to whatever he decided. If they were going to get through this, they would need each other. Maurice fought to calm his wife’s hysterical crying while Chadwick readied himself to provide an answer.

“The clock is ticking. Do we have a deal, or should I audition someone else?”

“We-we have a deal. Give us the first instructions.”

A dark laugh boomed across the lawn of the estate, bouncing from rickety iron fence to flickering light pole and back again.

“Wonderful. This first scene is improv. I’m sure you’re familiar with that Ms. Comedian,” the voice chuckled in reference to Keisha. “I’ve seen your shows, but I’m not impressed. Maybe you could redeem yourself here. The task is simple. Someone has to burn and you have 10 minutes to figure out who before I decide for you. The materials are in the front parlor of the house. And...action!”

The group exchanged looks steeped in terror and confusion before making a mad dash for the inside of the house. Swinging open the door put the gang face to face with the pungent odor of decay and waste. As promised, the short walk to the front parlor led them to an array of burning devices ranging from small fire to full-blown blaze.

“Eight minutes, people. Seven minutes fifty-nine... fifty-eight.”

“What are we gonna do?”

“I don’t wanna die, Mo! Please, don’t make me do this!”

“You not gon’ die, baby, I swear. Let us figure it out real quick. C’mon, we gotta figure this shit out! We gotta figure this shit out, man! Help, Chad!”

“Fuck, okay, let’s think!”

“We don’t have time for that shit. One of us is gonna fuckin’ die if we don’t figure this shit out.”

“Look,” Tasha shouted. “There’s some type of mannequin in the corner. Give me your dress!”

“What?”

“Do you wanna live or die?” Keisha studied Tasha’s face for a moment before silently slipping out of the red replica of Tina Turner’s iconic dress that covered her brown skin.

Tasha worked in relative silence while the group watched her dress and hang the mannequin from the ceiling. She was careful to angle the rigged body in a precise manner, though the reason was unknown to those around her. Ripping a piece of the curtain, she tucked the tattered fabric into the dress before turning to Maurice.

“Douse the end of this in the fluid and light it with a match. Don’t stand too close.” Tasha then turned her attention to Keisha to silently direct her to stand in the corner of the room and remain silent.

“Why can’t you do it?”

“Just shut the fuck up and do it dumbass. Do you wanna die in here tonight?”

Maurice seemed to give the idea serious thought until Keisha cleared her throat to get his attention. With a nudge from his wife, Maurice did as he was told. The blaze was bright enough to force the group to shield their eyes and it engulfed the mannequin before anyone could process what had just happened.

Seconds after the deed was done, feedback from the speakers made way for the voice on the other end.

“Now, that was a production. Well done, team. Keisha was a kind woman. I’m sure someone in the world will miss her. Are we ready for the second scene?” The voice waited for an answer but did not receive one. “A quiet bunch, I see. No worries. One of you won’t be so quiet during this next one. Down the hallway, you will find a bathroom. Let’s stage a peaceful night in gone wrong. I want to see sparks fly, Mr. Director. You have fifteen minutes until showtime!”

“Wait! Who is Mr. Director?”

Chadwick received no reply from the voice on the other end, only an ominous laugh and the soft thud of a microphone hitting a flat surface.

“T, what the fuck just happened back there.”

Looking around, Tasha took a step to her left and point to her mouth. “You have to read my lips,” she mouthed without sound. “There are cameras. Five of them. He can see and hear us. You have to stay out of the way.”

“How,” Chadwick questioned.

“Pay attention to me. I’ll tell you where to stand.”

All nodded in agreement before allowing Tasha to take the lead and usher them out of the room. A dingy bathroom not suitable for human visitor living or dead became the next set of the horror movie being filmed at their expense. Again, Tasha instructed Keisha to stand out of the way of the camera she had detected upon entry.

“Mo, I think you’re Mr. Director. This is your scene.”

“Oh my God,” he groaned, distraught at the revelation.

“Listen to me, maybe you can get out of this alive, but you gotta get in that tub.”

Maurice hesitated for a moment as fear paralyzed his body. Stepping out of eyesight, Tasha gave him careful instructions to enter the worn-in bathtub.

“You’re going to have to act. Aaron,” she mouthed from the corner. “Start the water.”

Chadwick hurriedly followed instructions as he tried his hardest to maintain a neutral expression without looking to Tasha for help.

“Keep your eyes forward,” she warned Maurice with a hand signal. “Two taps and then you shake.”

The plan was simple. Tasha would walk by the tub to knock the old radio close enough to the basin to make it look like it entered the water. A subtle tap to Maurice’s shoulder would alter him to begin the most important acting role of his life to make the death believable.

With the plan in motion, she expected everything to go as planned. What she didn’t count on was Keisha being unaware of what was happening around her. Genuine fear of her husband being electrocuted in front of her eyes terrified her into making an ill-fated decision.

As Tasha began the motion to knock the radio “into” the bathtub, Keisha lunged forward to stop the motion. Her effort to save her man became their demise as she mistakenly caused the device to fall into the murky water, sealing their painful death.

The smell of burning breath pulled the contents of Chadwick’s stomach forward as he doubled over to relieve himself of the nausea that had taken over.

“Wow, Tasha, I must say that I didn’t expect this from you. Chadwick maybe, but never you. I guess I had you pegged all wrong.” The voice from the speakers was louder and clearer than before. The disfigured and frightening man beyond the shadows emerged from an unknown area wielding a large knife. “What am I going to do with you, hmm?”

“Please, just let us out of here,” she pleaded, feeling the tears she’s been holding back pricking the back of her eyes.

“No can do, Princess. See, I was going to let you be the one to make it out of here. I’ve been watching you, and I like you. You’re not apart of this shit show industry and you’re smart. Almost too smart.”

Chadwick stood frozen in fear as the assailant, assumed to be John Castleberry, used his free hand to apply overwhelming pressure the area covering Tasha’s trachea. A pained gasp from the love his life nearly brought Chadwick to his knees.

“Not her! Please! Let me switch with her.”

“Oh don’t worry, Chadwick. Your time will come. First, you have to suffer.” A Cheshire grin spread across John’s face as he pressed the cold blade to her throat, drawing blood with every movement.

“Stop!”

“It’s over, baby,” Tasha whispered through her tears. “Run, Aaron! Don’t worry about me. It’s my turn to save you. I’ll see you soon. I-I love you.”

Chadwick watched the blade continue its journey across Tasha’s neck as he screamed a plea at the man metaphorically ripping his heart from his chest.

“No! Stop! Please, stop,” he chanted. “Stop!”

“Aaron! Aaron! Boy, would you shut up? I’m trying to sleep!”

Chadwick should up from the bed in a cold sweat, his eyes darting to each corner of the room to decipher his surroundings. Beside him, sporting a cold glare and the bonnet that he never thought he’d be excited to see, Tasha lay propped on her elbow to face him.

“Are we at home?”

“We’re both in your house, but I’m about to go back to mine if you don’t let me sleep. I have to work in the morning and you in here running from demons.”

Chadwick released a sigh of relief and a short laugh that confused Tasha.

“Baby, I had a dream that someone was about to kill you and make me watch. It felt so...so real!”

“I’d take a bullet to the head if it meant I could get some rest. Sweating all over on my side and shit. Are you finished with your Nightmare on Elm Street or should I go sleep in the other room.”

“I’m good,” he answered trying to convince himself more than Tasha. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom. I’ll be back.”

“Take as much time as you need. Maybe stay in the there for the next six hours. Sheesh.”

Chadwick let out another laugh at her antics. Relief began to replace fear as he entered his bathroom to compose himself. He was safe with the love of his life beside him after the most traumatic dream he’d ever had, and he couldn’t be happier.

Splashing a handful of cold water on his face, the sound of a car passing the house did little to get his attention.

“There is someone walking behind you…”

The tune playing from the vehicle made his body hot with anticipation as the memories he wanted to forget came back with a vengeance. His palms flew to cover his ears, hoping to drown out the sound and stop the images running through his head. His body crumbled to the ground in a heap as he backed himself into a corner.

“Fuck, no! Stop!”

“There is someone watching your footsteps. Turn around, look at me. Look at me. Look at me…”

                              ______________

TAGS: @njadont @k-michaelis  @wakandanmoonchild  @idilly  @texasbama@afraiddreamingandloving  @inxan-ity  @daytimeheroicsonly  @onyour-right@brianabreeze  @sisterwifeudaku  @ironsquad @killmongerdispussy@90sinspiredgirl  @willowtree77785901  @maynardqueen101 @heyauntieeee@halfrican-heat  @purple-apricots  @lalapalooza718 @blue-ishx@profilia @ljstraightnochaser  @girl-wtf-lmao  @dramaqueenamby @royallyprincesslilly@melaninmarvel  @thiccdaddy-mbaku  @lavitabella87@purplehairgawdess@unholyxcumbucket  @airis-paris14  @uhlxis@oshasimone @maliadestiny@drsunshine97  @cozyshack2 @zxddy-panther@queentearra @skysynclair19 @retro-melanin @mermaidchansons @misspooh@melanisticroyalty @babygirlofwakanda @wakanda-4evr @sarahboseman @karensraisns@blackmissmarvel @wakandankings  @kaykay4454fan@ororowrites@awkwardlyabstract @mixedmelanin @brownsugarcocoabutterwildflowers@sunflowerpsalms  @panthergoddessbast@justanotherloveaffair @jaeee-http @iliketowrite1996 @blackpantherismyish@thompettiedatheaux @msincognito67 @reignsxjackson @yaachtynoboat711@syreanne  @ilcb7@minim236 @yoyolovesbucky

[shewhowantsmouseears]

The Son Of Scheherazade, 14

Notes: As always, big thanks to my amazing editors Drucilla and BlueShifted!

Originally I planned to have the priest and the enemies of this chapter played by Mickey-world villains, but, after being unable to think of them, decided to have some fun with short-lived hits Wander Over Yonder and The 7D. Hope I got them right, or as right as they would be in the roles they need to play.

This chapter's ridiculous plot was thought of years in advance because I am so easily influenced by gag-romance tropes in manga and I have a silly sense of humor. "Madeline" Mouse is the name of Mickey's cousin in a comic from long ago.

When I was younger I was told my name means Honeybee in Greek, or something. IDK if that's true, but there you have it.

Summary: In order to get the first piece of the map, Mickey and his friends must enter a contest... but not win? Can they survive Daisy's tricks, or will a darker force steal more than just a victory?

It took several days to reach the borders of Rumansy, and their arrival was a great relief to everyone. No matter how hard Mickey and the others begged and pleaded to Daisy for further information about the task before them, she refused to speak of it “too early”, because what fun would that be? On this particular day, full of bright sunshine and hot winds, Mickey was standing in the crow's nest, the area littered with maps and pens. Ever since Daisy had revealed the truth behind his parents' kidnapping, he had devoted all of his free time to studying every inch of every map the ship had. If they couldn't find the fourth piece of the mysterious map they were searching for, they had an entire world to look through but not enough time to do so. Often he stayed up late at night to study, trying to memorize layouts of towns and deciding which maps filled in the holes the others were missing.

During those nights, Minnie would stay in her lamp, hearing nothing but the gentle scratching of pen against paper. It was soothing and frustrating at the same time – she couldn't help him at all. Or rather the only way she could help him, her wishes, he refused to use.. It made her question her place on the ship, since everyone had their own roles. Mickey had done so much for her and for everyone he met, and no doubt he would continue to put the needs of others before his own. The night before they arrived at the city's edge, Minnie heard a quiet “thunk” outside of her lamp, and poofed out to see what it was.

Mickey had been bent over his work table, studying long into the night until exhaustion finally took over, and he passed out. His head lay on the table, snoring loudly and drooling slightly. Pluto, who had been sleeping around his master's chair, jerked his head up at the noise, and whined to see what had happened. Minnie sighed, and began to tug the blanket from his bed. She knew if she tried to move him to the bed, he would wake up and insist on resuming his work. As she draped the blanket over his shoulders, she silently made a vow – she would find a way to help him in Rumansy, no matter what it took or what indignities she suffered. She would be useful in one form or another, to him and to the others. She would help him sleep peacefully again.

Now in the day's light, she had those same thoughts as she stood on deck, gazing up at the crow's nest where Mickey was standing. Minnie would not let him work alone and suffer for her sake. It was her turn to work for his freedom and happiness. Though he was very high up, she could make out his features, and watched him as if he was the most fascinating subject the world had ever created. What kind of life did he have to make him this way? So kind and caring and smart and clever and handsome and -

“If you start singing a mushy song, I am gunna hurl.”

Minnie felt she jumped a foot up in the air when she heard Daisy's mocking voice behind her. “Why can't you ever do anything normally?!” To her growing mortification, the rest of the crew was with Daisy, wall of them now looking in different directions, whistling, pretending they hadn't noticed Minnie's lovesick staring.

Daisy waved the question away. “It's time to start planning for the next part of the quest. But I'm going to need his help, and yours, and Donald's!”

“Me?” Donald asked, confused but happy to participate.

Minnie wanted to be happy about this, but given Daisy's nature, she was wary about what this would entail. Mickey, for his part, noticed the crowd below and began to climb down as fast as he could. “I can see the city!” he called out as he raced downwards. “Daisy, will you finally tell us how to get the first part of the map? Where is it in Rumansy?”

Once Mickey was on solid ground, Daisy flipped her hair and twirled her pipe, ready to go into another storytelling spiel. Her snake rested comfortably on her head, hissing out a hello. “The city of Rumansy began as a small town without anything to really notice about it. As a result, they were poor as dirt and lacked any tourists. But one day, a runaway couple entered the city, begging for help. They were from warring tribes, yet they were desperately in love and refused to part. The town was touched by their passion and allowed them to stay. The story became so famous that the town suddenly became known as a romantic destination for honeymooners!”

“I've got a bad feeling about this,” Horace groaned.

“In honor of this couple, the elders of Rumansy decided they would make their city the most romantic in all the land! And the best way to do it was to hold a contest every year to choose the most romantic couple in all the land! The prizes change each time, and people come from across the globe to prove they are the best couple to have ever...coupled! And one of those prizes is a piece of the map! They have no idea about its real origins. They just figure it's a collector's item.” She then held her pipe like a conductor's baton, getting into the final segments of the plan. “But we have to be precise! That prize only goes to the Runner-Up! Third place is a thousand gold pieces, second place is a paid vacation to the land of your choice, and first place is to star in a romance novel written by famed author Honeybee!”

Goofy raised his hand. “Who?”

“Eh, some hack author. Her editors do all the work, honestly. Bless them.”

Mickey was getting Horace's bad intuition. “Wait a minute...can't we just ask them for the piece of the map? You're not actually saying we have to enter this ridiculous contest?”

“They take this contest very seriously!” Daisy wagged a finger. “They won't hand it over just because you say 'pretty please'. No, the only way to get it is to enter and win! That's why you, Minnie, Donald and I are going to sign up and pretend to be couples.”

“What?” said Donald.

“What?” said Minnie.

“WHAT?!” said Mickey.

“Told you,” Horace added.

Clarabelle pushed her husband aside to get up front. “Now hold on a minute! Doesn't it make much more sense for me and Horace to enter? We're actually married!”

“Noooooooo, you and the others should stay behind in case we need help. Besides, the way you two argue so much, I doubt they'd even know you were a real couple in the first place.” But anyone looking at Daisy's face could see she was lying through her teeth. No doubt the real answer was, “This is much funnier.”

“Well, I guess we do kind of argue a lot,” Horace began to agree.

“Horace! We do NOT argue a lot!” Clarabelle disagreed very loudly.

“Yes we do, woman, why won't you listen to me?!”

“I'M TELLING YOU WE NEVER ARGUE!”

“Daisy!” Mickey barked, interrupting Clarabelle and Horace, already losing his patience. “This is nuts! We're not going to lie to these people and pretend to be something we're not! There has to be another way to get the map!”

Minnie crossed her arms, sticking her nose up. “I concur with my Master, I won't do it.”

Donald nervously tugged at his collar. “I gotta say, if we're pirates, why don't we just steal the thing?”

Daisy evenly looked at her three pawns, seeing all the resistance, and then dramatically exhaled, pressing the back of her head to her forehead and turning away. “I see how it is...Well, if that's how you really feel about it, I guess it can't be helped. What was I thinking? I mean, I can see how dreadfully uncomfortable it would be for you guys to be together...Having to cuddle and coo, whisper sweet nothings, exchange long, passionate, really deep kisses...”

If one person could be played like a fiddle, Daisy played the trio like an orchestra.

“HANG ON,” Mickey interjected loudly and abruptly, his cheeks burning as he thought about the possibility of cuddling Minnie in his arms like a loving husband, “I mean, if it's for the sake of my parents, we should pull out the stops, r-right?”

“I AGREE,” Minnie added on just as loudly, blushing as she thought about the idea of having tender words whispered into Mickey's ear, “That is, if it's what my Master wishes, I have to go along with it, d-don't I?”

“I WANNA DO IT,” Donald finished, determined not to faint this time if Daisy kissed him again and again and again and again. “All for one and one for all! AHAHAHA!”

The rest of the crew stared at Daisy in awe at how easily she wrapped the others around her figure – well, not so much awe as it was fear. Yikes.

“Aw, I'm so glad we're all in agreement!” Daisy chirped, clasping her hands together. “Once we lay anchor, I'll go on ahead and sign us up while you three pack! The contest takes about three days, so make sure to get everything you need! Remember, we have to be good, but not too good.”

“You are a devil woman,” Clarabelle muttered under her breath.

“Gotta go pack!” Mickey repeated, practically skipping with glee at this plan which was to absolutely to save his parents and had nothing to do with the fact that he could hold Minnie's hands and not feel guilty about it. Minnie flounced after him, pleased that she could be of use to the crew and not that she could be in Mickey's arms without any repercussions. Donald, still lost in kissing thoughts, had to be dragged away by Panchito and Jose since he couldn't find the strength in his feet.

Goofy glanced down at Daisy, scratching his noggin under his bandanna. “Daisy...you're not planning something this time, are you? We really do need that piece of the map.”

Daisy put one hand over her heart and raised the other. “I give you my word, I plan for the four of us to pretend to be two couples. Nothing more, nothing less. Why, if we didn't win the map, I'd stop having fun.”

“That is exactly the opposite of reassuring,” Horace rolled his eyes. “We'll stick around town and learn what we can about this contest...but you gotta keep an eye on them! Keep Donald's powers under check, and don't let anyone find out what Minnie really is and who Mickey really is! The less headaches we get, the better!”

Daisy just smiled, working her pipe into her ponytail. “Fiddle-de-dee, such faith you have in me.”

Horace, Clarabelle, and Goofy had no choice but to go along with whatever Daisy was cooking, laying the anchor down so she could climb off and sign the foursome up. Clarabelle insisted with her husband they should still try to enter to watch over the young ones, but of course Horace argued against this, and they continued fighting over it well long after the chosen ones had left. Goofy, at least, tried to be optimistic about the whole thing. On its surface, the plan was relatively simple – given the way Mickey and Minnie felt about each other, “pretending” to be a couple would be amazingly easy. So how could Daisy possibly use that as a trick for her own entertainment?

~*~

An hour later, Mickey, Minnie, and Donald walked into the city of Rumansy with their heads held high and songs in their hearts. Their excitement was diminished a smidgen when they realized how overboard the city went with its theme – the buildings were heart shaped, guitars were being played at every corner, and the streets had carvings of very sappy poetry. Everyone wore shades of reds and pinks, with men carrying bouquets and women spraying perfume from the windows.

“Everyone here needs to seriously take it down a notch,” Donald stated when the trio had to wait to cross a street due to several couples tango-ing at once.

“Daisy wasn't kidding about the romance deal,” Mickey mused, scratching his cheek. Here was an entire city that was just as embarrassing as his parents. “I mean, I don't really know much about it myself...”

“Same here,” Donald admitted. “Shoot, what with the way Uncle...” he winced, still in the habit of calling the cruel old man his relative, “...Flintheart raised me, I never thought any woman would want me. So I never bothered learning how to get a girl. But maybe if we just act natural, we should be okay?”

“Donald is right,” Minnie said, walking closer to Mickey than normal. “We can't think too hard about this, or it'll be obvious we're faking. We should just do... whatever...feels right.” She met Mickey's eyes, and the two held the gaze for a second before shyly breaking away.

“I don't think you two have much to worry about.” Donald held back a snicker. For him, he wasn't sure what his feelings about Daisy were – the woman could be graceful and intelligent one moment, devious and underhanded the next. But he was in this to help his friend – more importantly, he was in this to get another amazing kiss. Homina homina homina.

The trio found Daisy on the steps of a church so massive it could rival many a royal palace. It was covered in white lace, but instead of hideous gargoyles it was adorned with smooching couples and winged cherubs, the stained glass windows depicting previous winners of the contest. On the steps of the church, Daisy was talking to a short man who was covered in orange hair from head to foot – although he did it keep it smooth and trim. He was nodding along to whatever Daisy was saying, occasionally wiping a tear from his eye and adjusting the long green hat on his head. It was an easy guess that this man worked for the contest.

Mickey stopped, feeling his heart racing. He swallowed, and made himself look at Minnie. “B-Before we do this, I... um... well... I don't want to do... anything you're not... you know... comfortable with...” He began to fidget, the pack on his shoulders shifting back and forth – Donald had packed light, with Minnie not packing anything, as her magic kept her clothes springtime fresh, but Mickey wanted to continue his studies, so his pack was bursting with maps. “That is... you can always tell me to stop, or... The map is important, but, you, you're important too, and I want you to, to, to remember what I said about... being unable to tell what's real, and what you're doing because of what you are...”

With each stammer and stutter, Mickey accidentally wormed his way further into Minnie's heart. She smiled without realizing it, playing with the rings on her fingers. “I know, I remember. But, perhaps... I might be more... comfortable... with some things than you might realize...”

“There he is!” Daisy suddenly called out, jarring their attention. “My beloved husband, my one and only! I can't believe we were apart for so long!” Donald's face flushed, and he could feel Mickey lightly nudging his chest with an elbow. Daisy began to run down the stairs, arms out. “My sweetie, my darling, my...”

But instead of jumping into Donald's open arms, she latched onto Mickey. “Myyy Mortimer~!”

Donald froze where he was, arms still out, trying to comprehend what just happened. Minnie's jaw dropped, her body shaking like a thousand rattle-snake tails. Mickey slowly, rigidly, dug his fingers into Daisy's shoulders and pulled her off. “What... Did... You... Do?”

“I signed us up, hubby-wubby-boo~!” Daisy bopped Mickey on the nose, enjoying each dose of horror she got from her so-called friends. “I told Father Wander here all about us! And when he heard our story, he knew we would be surefire winners!”

“Of course I know it!” The orange-colored man felt ready to sob all over again. “To think that a pair of forbidden couples would show up at our door... It's like destiny!” It was a good thing he began to pantomime the story himself, so he could miss the murderous glares being bestowed upon Daisy, and the delighted raspberry she blew back. “You, Mortimer, were arranged to be married but on the day of the wedding, you fell for the bride's sister, Donna! And not only that, but your servants, Madeline and Gladstone, also fell for each other! How amazing is that?”

Donald wasn't sure which he found more offensive – being called a servant or being given such a stupid name. That's when the actual point of the story hit him, and he shakily pointed to Minnie. “So... me and her...?” He liked Minnie, yes, but as a sister! Minnie was equally distraught, but could not summon words, only gaping in dread as Daisy continued to snuggle up to Mickey.

Father Wander clapped. “You guys are all shoe-ins, and as our last entrants, we can finally begin the opening ceremony! Come on in!” He threw open the doors, revealing that within loud operatic music was being played, and headed inside.

Mickey spoke hotly through gritted teeth. “Daisy...Did you plan this from the start?”

“I said we'd be couples, I never said who'd be with who.” Daisy waggled her eyebrows, never losing the appearance of a venomous snake. “Why... is there someone you guys would rather be with?” She looked at them all, grinning.

Minnie made a choked noise in her throat, but that was all the answer Daisy would get. Mickey and Minnie were still way too emotionally compromised to actually admit what they felt, especially in front of the object of their desire, and Donald could feel his mortification rising at the thought of saying out loud, “Yes, I wanted you to kiss me again!” As such, no one said a word. “That's what I thought.” Daisy giggled, walking up the stairs with Mickey. “Cheer up, Mortimer! We're all happily in love!”

Mickey could feel his head throbbing. “And why, out of all names-”

“Oh, relax, the guy's still on the run from all those magical thefts, he's not going in public anytime soon. No way we'll get get any kind of mix-up.” It was difficult to tell if she knew this for a fact, given her All Seeing Eyes, or she was making an excuse for poking a hornet's nest. “Smiles, everyone!”

The only way Mickey could manage something close to a smile was imagining tying Daisy up and leaving her in the city while the crew made a getaway. As a result his smile was more demonic than charming. “I love you so much,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “I don't think I've ever loved someone as much as I love you right now.” It was obvious what actual emotion Mickey was emphasizing.

With a sad exhale, Donald offered his hand to Minnie, unable to look at her for the moment due to embarrassment, which she did not find offensive. She weakly held his hand and followed their friends into the chapel, trying to put on struggling happy faces.

The interior of the entrance was filled to the brim with couples of all kinds. Some couldn't keep their hands off of each other, others were bickering loudly, and it occurred to Mickey then that perhaps some others would also be faking their romance. A thousand coins or a paid vacation were tempting prizes, after all. The inside of the church contained more silly statues of smooching and banners full of hearts. Father Wander's servants were prancing about, offering flower necklaces and singing poetry about each of the contestants. Mickey was finding it more difficult to keep on his smile, his anger still throbbing, and now growing into frustration. He had sworn to Minnie that he'd put his affections for her on hold until she was free, and he was going to keep his word. It had been the right thing to do, but also incredibly difficult – he wanted to treat her like a lover should be treated, to give life to the words in his head, to make her happy for every sad say she'd ever experienced. But now being in this place was like a belittling reminder of the lines he swore he wouldn't cross, no matter how much he wanted to.

Yet as he looked around at all the kissy faces and hearing silly pet names – this seemed almost to be more a mockery of romance than an actual celebration. As if these people knew what people in love were supposed to “look like”, but never bothered to try anything else. Mickey's parents were mushy, yes, but they didn't spend every waking moment babbling about each other. Sometimes their love could be felt with a simple smile when their spouse was having a bad day, or asking the chef to prepare their favorite food when one of them was ill.

Mickey's mind began to reel, somewhat cooling his anger without getting rid of it entirely – did he really know anything about love? He was certain about his feelings towards Minnie, but he'd been proven wrong about his instincts before. What a fine time to have doubts! Maybe if he hadn't been so busy daydreaming before he came to the chapel, he could've asked an actual expert on the subject, like Goofy or Horace. But in the end, did any of it matter?

Father Wander began clapping his hands, which stopped his servants so he could be heard. “Welcome, one and all, to the Annual Rumansy Romance Contest! It is such an honor to be here among so many loving people! Now that our last minute contestants have been signed up, we can finally get things rolling!” he then gestured to the foursome at the door, applauding wildly. “Give 'em a hand, everyone! Two pairs of forbidden lovers for the price of one! Aren't they just adorable?”

Daisy squeezed Mickey tightly, giggling like a shy schoolgirl. “Aw, honey, aren't they saying the nicest things about us?”

Mickey awkwardly patted Daisy on the head, trying to keep the real goal in mind. “Uh, yeah. Thanks.” He swallowed, feeling everyone's eyes on him. He could feel his insides trying to physically force down his anger, and ignore his worries, although both were proving to be difficult. Donald and Minnie were wearing a matching pair of nervous smiles, awkwardly waving. “I, uh... well! It's nice to meet all of you, sorta.” There was no reason to bad sport to his fellow contestants. Maybe some of them had been duped as well. “I hope we can all get along, and may the best couple win.”

“AND THAT WILL BE US!”

One of the small, wooden pews was knocked over, allowing the shouting enemies to use it as a makeshift pedestal for their greatness. A pair of humans stood side by side, copying each other's pose of a hand to their face. “There is simply no couple who love each other more than I, Hildy Gloom, and my fantastic husband, Grimwold Gloom, love each other!” She cackled and flipped her short, purple and pink hair around. The long-frilled dress around her neck and legs made her seem taller than she really was, like a violet lizard standing on its haunches.

“So the rest of you would be better off giving up and leaving here and now!” Her husband's laugh was no less devilish, though his contained a few extra honks, given his very large nose. His bright blue hair was nearly blinding, save for the white streak like a lightning bolt. He also dressed a bit more conservatively choosing a simple trench-coat with a pattern of stars in the corner. “We not only deserve first place, but second, third, and runner-up! You might as well save us all some time and hand them over now!”

The various couples uneasily looked at each other, unsure if they wanted to fight against a pair that was so downright rude. Father Wander held up his hands, chuckling nervously. “Now, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves...There's three days to prove who's the best, starting now! We have two assigned chambers, one for the men, and one for the women, so if you could all just-”

“Why should I have to share my room with a bunch of losers?” Hildy marched forward, leaning over Father Wander and making him back up. “I'll have all of these pathetic wanna-bes dropped out before you can say 'boo'! So hand over those prizes! I want them, I want them, I want them!”

Daisy whispered behind her hand, “See, there are people more annoying than I am.” This did not reassure Mickey about anything.

The murmur didn't go unnoticed, as Grimwold stomped his foot down. “You got something to say to us?” He then advanced toward Mickey and Daisy, sneering down at them. “You two think you could be more in love than we are? Get lost! The only ones winning are me and my Hildy-honey!”

Mickey's temper was reaching its limits for the day, fighting off the lid he'd so carefully placed on it minutes ago. “Look, we don't want any trouble. We all deserve a fair shot at winning the prizes, and it's not fair for you to push Father Wander around! We're not going anywhere, and you can't make us!”

“Who says I can't, pipsqueak?” Grim grabbed Mickey by the collar – Mickey felt a strange little pinch. “Do you even know who we are?”

“You literally just told us,” Daisy said under her breath, making no movement to help Mickey. But she didn't have to – a sudden, hard bolt of lightning struck the outside of the chapel, causing everyone to jump. After all, it'd been clear and sunny, so where did the lightning come from? Mickey glanced behind him, and saw Donald give a sheepish smile. He hadn't meant to summon it, but seeing his friend needlessly bullied had set him off. Minnie squeezed his hand in gratitude.

Grateful for the distraction, Father Wander tried to pick things up again. “As I was saying...we have rooms for men and women, so you can unpack and get yourselves psyched for the first part of the contest! Anyone who fails any part of the contest will kindly be asked to leave.” The “kindly” part was up to debate, seeing how his servants were holding up chains behind his back. If Mickey had to guess, the losers would be dragged away in them, which seemed extremely excessive. “We'll continue eliminating couples until we have our winners on day three! On that day, we have a super secret and super amazing way to tell who is the best couple in the whole wide world! Hurray for love!” He applauded, and this time everyone joined in, save for the sneering Glooms.

The frolicking servants began to lead the men and women away into separate, long red hallways. With the intense drama now over, Mickey put a hand to his chest, taking deep breaths. Now he could calm down, and get rid of that vicious temper. In, out, in, out, there was no reason to lose his cool. They would just play the game and try their best. As each pair began to be separated, Mickey shook Donald's hand. “Thanks for the save, pal.”

“You got it, Mickey,” he whispered, happy to have helped. “We're all in this together, all four of us. And don't you worry, Minnie and I have got this covered. We'll help you and each other.”

Minnie bowed her head respectfully. “I'll be in your hands, Donald, so I know I will be all right.”

“But right now, she's in my hands!” Daisy yanked Minnie away by the wrist, happy to ruin the tender moment. “See you boys later! You better prepare the sappiest lines you can imagine! I want to see maple syrup pouring out of your mouths!” With a harpy-like little laugh, she flounced away with a very reluctant Minnie.

“I'm afraid to say it can't get worse.” Mickey shook his head, following Donald to the men's chambers. He wondered what the first stage of the contest was, and how hard it would be to pass it. But until then, he could always study his maps.

The last couple to be separated were the Glooms, who had now taken to a corner and were watching their enemies disperse. Before they parted, Hildy held out her hand to her husband, smirking. “Did you get it, Grimmy-goo?”

“Easy as pie, Hildy-hoo.” He slipped it into her hand – a single black hair taken from Mickey's fur. “If what the Phantom Prince told us is right, this is our ticket to easy street. Work your magic. Literally.”

“Can do, babe.” She slid the hair into her neckline, hiding it underneath her clothes. “I'll need a day to perfect it, but before this contest is over, we'll know if he's the one we've been looking for. Then not only will we win, but we'll obtain ultimate power!”

“You are so pretty when you're evil.”

“You say the nicest things, sweetie!”

They exchanged a happy kiss before leaving their separate ways, determined to win in every sense of the word. No one suspected that this sappy yet bothersome pair was there for far more than coins and prizes. The Phantom Prince hadn't stopped with Pete in his search for suitable pawns. They wouldn't be the last obstacles in Mickey's way, but they were going to show him that there were things he could never hide no matter how hard he tried.

Grimwold stuck his hands in his pockets as he walked on with the rest of the men, his eyes staying on Mickey's back. He hadn't exactly been given all the details of the big plot at hand, but felt he didn't need them. What he had was enough. He was going to get his hands on the Son Of Scheherazade.

Or, as others called him, those who felt his mother was no hero and that his father was a monster... The Child Born Of Blood.

[doopcity]

Translation: シュバル: “Nadal, Father…”

Shubaru (シュバル) is the Red Wolf on the left and he is the older brother of Nadal (ナダル) on the right by 1-2 years I believe so the age gap is not large at all between them. That is why they are about the same height. Shubaru from what I have seen and what friends have told me is he is a hot head, has a quick temper, and actually curses a lot in game haha. Deep down though he is actually very nice and caring but he doesn’t show it to everyone, only his family and close friends. Even then it is very rarely. Nadal is the more quiet and reserved type that has better understandings of situations. He is very graceful, elegant, and old fashioned! Nadal believes Shubaru should be the one who is take up the throne when that time comes when their father either retires or dies. He is ready to sacrifice his life for Shubaru so that Shubaru could become a great king. Speaking of kings…there is one in between them! Yep! That is their father in the middle and my favorite character in this whole game! Living Legend Gandalf (生ける伝説 ガンダロフ) or just Gandalf (ガンダロフ) is the king of the prominent animal nation in this game Degusta Duchy (デグスタ 公国). As mentioned before, he unfortunately becomes sick with a curse inflicted onto to him by the villains of the game but fortunately, he does recover and goes back to being his jolly cheerful self! (If he died, I would throw my phone into the trash haha. No one dares kill off my favorite character.) Gandalf may look tough and intimidating on the outside but in actuality…he is a big softie, gentle, goofy/silly, and a very loving father to his two sons! In the limited fan art of this game on Twitter and Pixiv…people often draw him being that strong father who loves hugs as he is often depicted hugging Nadal and Shubaru lovingly like they were his little boys again even if they are already young adults. This of course makes Nadal and Shubaru very embarrassed and annoyed with their father’s affection but Nadal does get used to it eventually and enjoys it. Shubaru…not so much XD. The reason why Gandalf is my favorite character and kind of the sole reason why I even play this game in the first place is because…he is excellently designed :D! I mean he is big and muscular then has an intimidating and confident at the same time face along with thick eyebrows. All those qualities fits him into the very masculine category. Another quality that fits him further into being masculine is that his freaking attacks are Lightning Ground Gauntlets! Yes, his main form of attacks are punches as he just punches his enemies with his gauntlet fists. His main special attack is literally charging his gauntlets up, then jumping into the air and then slamming his fists into the ground, causing a shockwave that causes the Earth to split in half!! That is crazy strong. Plus Nadal mentions at one point that their father blew up a mountain too. A Good muscular look, a very brute attack method, and a very loving personality to his sons perfectly fits him under the bara genre for this game that has “dad” material traits. He also has a warrior best friend that is a tiger who is a Samurai that likes to travel around the world named Hoemaru (ホエマル). Hoemaru too does fit in the bara genre for this game as he is muscular too. Oh, since I talked about Gandalf’s attack method, Shubaru’s main weapon is a double sided Red Battle Axe while Nadal’s main weapon is a blue and gold Scimitar/Curved Sword. Shubaru is actually very distrusting of humans and attacks the main human character for a few chapters before Nadal stops him because unfortunately…he presumably blames humans for the death of his mother. Yes, this game has a backstory that is only implied and not shown where there was a huge war before the start of the game where Gandalf, his wife, his Tiger Samurai best friend Hoemaru, and another best friend all fought against other warring nations. His wife was a great warrior but sadly she died at the hands of a human tribe along with many other warriors next to her. This war happened when Nadal and Shubaru were presumably very little, so they did lose their mother and grew up without her. Gandalf was of course very upset, depressed, and deeply saddened by the death of his wife that by the time the in game events happened, he is still mourning over her death as the Red bead Hair ornament in his small ponytail (not pictured up above) and multiple yellow scrunchies at the ends of his hair all belonged to his dead wife. He is wearing them to honor her memory. Due to the death of their mother/wife, Nadal, Shubaru, and Gandalf all became very close to each other more than before as Nadal and Shubaru were growing up. Nadal and Shubaru needed their father for love and guidance as he was their only living parent left and Gandalf was always there for his sons because they were the only connections left to his wife as they were her kids too. (By the way theory time here…their mother/wife is never pictured in the game but I suspect the mom is colored purple because her sons are a both red and blue color that did not inherit any of Gandalf’s browness, So red + blue equals purple.) Gandalf wanted to be a good father for his sons because of course he unconditional loves them and did many nice things for them such as cooking them Japanese Sweet Potatoes. This game has so many cute family moments that depict their close relationship together. This game in my opinion has an okay battle system, a crappy character shop system where in order to buy more characters you have to gamble for them in a randomized order, and great character interactions that make it the prime reason on why to play this game. This game has many other great Kemono/Furry characters such as the previously mentioned Hoemaru, an eyepatch wearing Green Eagle Mailman that is the other best friend to Gandalf, a Kitsune/Fox archer who runs a Hot Spring together with his half kitsune/half human daughter, a Swordfish/Blue Marlin Butler who is 400 years old and is one of your main party members in the story, a young Dog Boy (Shih Tzu I think) that is the servant and good friend of Nadal, a young Siamese Cat girl who also follows Nadal and Shubaru and is a good friend to Dog Boy, a Chicken who plays a traditional Japanese instrument to celebrate this past new year, a bow wielding Wolf archer who is a very good friend of Nadal also, and just recently released yesterday…an Orca/Killer Whale that wears an awesome suit AND a sweet fedora. You can download this game WITHOUT a Japanese iTunes or Google Play account but do not buy anything (it’s free to play but charges you for extra) as the currency the game wants is yen, not dollars. It’s of course all in Japanese without any English translation. The company’s name that created this game is Clover Lab. If you ever want to check out more Wander Crown fan art, you can go on Twitter and find plenty of great fan art there in comparison to here as most of the Japanese players are all over there. Be careful though, as this game does have a lot of R-18 fan art that is not for children so be cautious if you do not like that kind of material. My Twitter account has just the safe for work fan art for this game. I hope you find this information useful for Wander Crown and I hope you continue drawing your wonderful art Wander Crown related or not as they are really great! ^_^ If you have any more questions about Wander Crown, you can ask send me a question here or on my Twitter. Alright, have a good day good sir and take care!

Holy crap dude i appreciate this so much! I’ve been looking at these characters on their official twitter and on pixiv but ofc i couldn’t get any context for them. I’ll post this so other people can learn about it

[nickarmstrongfilm]

10 Best Films of 2019 That Were Featured on Multiple “Worst of” Lists

I’m back again! I wrote one of these last year and I hesitated to do it again because as the year ramped up, I saw a lot of backlash against “Worst of the Year” lists that, frankly, I am not aligned with. There is nothing wrong with being critical of any and every movie that is produced on such a massive scale. I would even venture to say that there is something distinctly wrong with being so uncritical about the film industry that you eat up whatever they give you. Many worst of the year lists, though, tend to line up with the traditional line of thought that certain films are simply not good, which then means that other films are definitively good. This is where I begin to take issue. A lot of films that are near-unanimously panned have much more value than they’re being given credit for. Not every film on this list is one of those, but a lot of unique voices and projects are mocked, forgotten and/or ignored because of these lists.

Again, this is not a best of the year list, it is ranked by how frequently it appeared on the lists I perused as opposed to how good they are. These are some movies from 2019 that I enjoyed and wanted to stick up for, but I do not object to the concept of a “worst of the year list”, I simply object to these being them when many best of the year lists (see: yesterday’s Oscar nominations) encompass the opposite of what I love watching movies for.

That’s a lot of rambling to say that this list is not that important, but I recommend all of these movies to varying degrees, and I encourage you to follow your gut to see if you should ignore the consensus on some of them!

10. Murder Mystery (2018, Kyle Newacheck) [2 lists]

For me, this is the most energetic Sandler’s low-energy everyman has been in years, really playing up his throwaway jokes which makes them feel even funnier. A fun cast of characters, a fun mystery and makes the case for schlocky mystery novels! Fun!!

9. 47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019, Johannes Roberts) [tie, 3 lists]

I am a sucker for one-location thrillers and when the location is underwater in a submerged lost city trapped with relentless blind sharks, I had a tough time resisting how much fun this one was. And relentless is the perfect word! Surpassed its predecessor, as far as I’m concerned, and I already thought that one was pretty good.

9. Brightburn (2019, David Yarovesky) [tie, 3 lists]

I heard the premise for this one and was just immediately on board, to be fair. Perhaps that is where a lot of people’s problems with this movie stem from. For me, it did what it promised and although it did not exceed those expectations or expand on its premise much at all, I am sold on something that recognizes that superheroes have power and that an impressionable child living in America is unlikely to wield that power for good.

9. The Intruder (2019, Deon Taylor) [tie, 3 lists]

Carried by three excellent performances, in particular Quaid’s, which instantly made me a fan. The way that director Deon Taylor introduces the character’s calculated “good intentions” allows his evil to reveal itself within the house that he sells to Michael Ealy and Meagan Good’s characters throughout the rest of the film, resulting in something genuinely stomach-turning. One of my favorite horror films this year!

6. Countdown (2019, Justin Dec) [4 lists]

As silly as the idea of a killer app movie may be, it hones in on a fear that is common in some of the best horror films out there: that our death is inevitable, and there’s nowhere we can run to escape it. In tandem with that idea, it introduces a fascinating exploration of faith that counteracts that nihilistic message. Not too different from a tech-centric It Follows, frankly.

5. Replicas (2019, Jeffrey Machmanoff) [7 lists]

Keanu had a huge year in 2019 — John Wick 3, Toy Story 4 and a couple scene-stealing cameos — but very little enthusiasm was directed as the January-released film in which he attempts to clone/revive his family who have died in a car accident. First of all, Keanu brings his all to everything he does and I have to appreciate the integrity that he brings to a low-rent Philip K. Dick knock-off that largely consists of him spending time in a science lab with Thomas Middleditch.

4. Glass (2019, M. Night Shyamalan) [8 lists]

In researching for this list — and upon scrolling through people’s various end-of-the-year takes — I was faced with an unprecedented amount of hate for what I’d consider not only the best film of the year but also what ended up being my favorite film ever. Perhaps it’s just my echo chamber but how this empathetic, minimally-structured take on the superhero genre was received poorly is beyond me.

3. Gemini Man (2019, Ang Lee) [9 lists]

Almost definitely the year’s best action movie, not only for having some of the best set pieces but for, on top of that, choosing to sit in the melancholy of the story it created for much longer than most other action films that come out are willing to do.

2. Hellboy (2019, Neil Marshall) [11 lists]

I can’t exactly explain this one. I see why people dislike it and I certainly see how it is unnecessary considering how Del Toro’s voice shined through and dominated the story of Hellboy in his films. It is also perhaps a blatant attempt to cash in on the success of Deadpool’s smarmy anti-hero, but there is something so much sincere about David Harbour’s turn as Hellboy that it ends up feeling goofy in a much more enjoyable way. I have likened it to the sincerity of Vin Diesel — as if he were trying his luck at an R-rated action franchise about a ragtag group of weirdos — and in that light, it’s difficult (perhaps even hypocritical) for me to dislike it all that much.

1. Serenity (2019, Steven Knight) [13 lists]

Hailed (condemned?) as the year’s most baffling film and it only came out in January! I was on hopelessly board with this thing from its opening frames, though: It’s so confident in its ludicrous mythology that I actually ended up appreciating its emotional wavelength. I give this one a lot of credit for how it steers itself after revealing what may seem like a pretty nonsensical twist.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Cats (2019, Tom Hooper) - 4 votes Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019, Michael Dougherty) - 2 votes Domino (2019, Brian De Palma) - 2 votes Escape Room (2019, Adam Robitel) - 1 vote In The Tall Grass (2019, Vincenzo Natali) - 1 vote What Men Want (2019, Adam Shankman) - 1 vote Little (2019, Tina Gordon Chism) - 1 vote Annabelle Comes Home (2019, Gary Dauberman) - 1 vote 6 Underground (2019, Michael Bay) - 1 vote Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil & Vile (2019, Joe Berlinger) - 1 vote

SOURCES:

Looper CBS News Zimbio
Variety Rolling Stone WatchMojo.com Entertainment Weekly Now Toronto Fox 5 Chicago Tribune Hollywood Reporter ABC IGN Yahoo Gamespot EW Jeremy Jahns Gizmodo

[jodyedgarus]

The Most Absurd College Football Bowls, Ranked (Using Math!)

As I’ve written before, I love college football’s bowl season. Sure, there are probably too many of these goofy exhibition games, and nowadays star players sometimes skip them entirely. But there’s still something nostalgic and fun about sitting down around the holidays and binge-watching football games between obscure teams you wouldn’t have watched otherwise. It wouldn’t be the week between Christmas and New Year’s without going from zero knowledge about, say, Memphis’s offense to becoming a full-fledged expert in a matter of hours.

And, of course, there’s also the ridiculousness of bowl-game names. If you want a hilarious trip down college-football memory lane, read Jason Kirk’s excellent SB Nation story ranking the silliest bowl names of all time. For me, nothing beats the fact that there have been actual bowls named after weed eaters and tart cherry drinks.

In honor of the bowl season’s sheer absurdity, I decided to put a FiveThirtyEight spin on lists like the one Kirk assembled. For each game going back to 1985 — the dark days right before the dawn of rampant corporate bowl-naming rights — I developed a scoring system that awards “Absurdity Points” based on the following criteria:

Name length. All else being equal, longer bowl names are more ridiculous. So while short, snappy names like the unsponsored 1995 Sun Bowl (eight characters) earn zero Absurdity Points, mouthfuls such as the “Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl presented by Bridgestone” (55 characters) get you near the 4-point maximum.

Bad teams. Bowls were originally reserved for the best teams in the country, as a reward for an outstanding season (on top of being a way for warm-weather towns to drum up winter tourism from Northern fans). But the expansion of the bowls has significantly lowered the bar for how good a team needs to be to go bowling. So for our purposes,1 the national title game earns zero Absurdity Points as a rule, while a game like the 2017 Cure Bowl — between 6-5 Georgia State and 6-6 Western Kentucky — roughly gets the maximum of 4 Absurdity Points.

High scoring. Another element of bowl ridiculousness is the sheer lack of defense being played. Although there is an argument that fewer points in a bowl between two bad teams is also absurd, we’re sticking to the idea that insane shootouts such as the 2001 GMAC Bowl (Marshall 64, East Carolina 61, in double-OT) are worthy of 4 Absurdity Points based on the total points scored. (Note that for 2018 bowls, I used the projected over/under on the game via Jeff Sagarin’s predictions.)

Frequent sponsorship changes. Few things make a bowl look less prestigious than switching sponsors on a near-yearly basis. So I tracked how many different companies sponsored a bowl over the previous five years (including the year in question) and handed out Absurdity Points accordingly. Stable bowls like the Orange Bowl — sponsored by Capital One since 2014 — get zero points, while the Cactus, er, Cheez-it Bowl gets nearly the maximum of 4 points for going through four different sponsorship situations2 in five years.

Sponsorship industry. We’re getting into even more subjective territory at this stage, but some industries are simply more absurd as bowl sponsors than others. Insurance companies are boring. So are other financial institutions (with the exception of housing loan companies before 2009). Those all get low marks. Restaurants get more points, particularly if they involve fast food and/or fried chicken, and so do weird retailers. And a multi-level marketing firm that sells dietary supplements and is sometimes accused of being a “pyramid scheme”? That’s worthy of 4 Absurdity Points.

Bonus points. There are also a few specific ways to gain bonus Absurdity Points on the field. Any bowl whose name (or sponsoring company) contained “.com,” “.net,” etc. received the dot-com bubble bonus of 3 points. Faux-classy bowls that are “presented by” a sponsor (or tack on the word “Classic”) get an extra bonus of 1 point. For historical bowls, now-defunct sponsoring companies are worth a bonus of 3 points.3 And finally, a bonus of up to 2 points can be awarded for any sponsor that is niche or regional for a nationally televised bowl game (think the San Diego County Credit Union, which sponsors the Holiday Bowl4 despite being applicable only to persons living or working in San Diego, Riverside and Orange counties in California).5

Adding all of those up for each game, we can arrive at a total Absurdity Score that reflects just how silly a game is. Here’s an example from 2009 — the St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s — one of the most absurd bowls in history:

An archetype in absurdity

Itemized Absurdity Points for the 2009 St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s (Rutgers 45, UCF 24)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 48 characters 4 Bad teams 1589 combined Elo 2 High scoring 69 total points 3 Many sponsors 2 in 5 years 2 Sponsor industry Restaurants 2 Base total 13 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” +1 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total absurdity score: 16

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

That bowl had a lot going for it. First, it gets the maximum of 4 points for the 48-character name — one of the longest in our database — plus 3 points for the 69 total points scored in the game. It also picks up solid grades for its mediocre teams, sponsorship turnover and company industry. (At base, restaurants are worth 2 Absurdity Points — not the most, but not the least either.) Plus, it gets a 1-point bonus for using the “presented by” tag and 2 more for being sponsored by the relatively obscure Beef O’Brady’s — a chain of sports pubs in the Southeastern U.S. with locations in only 19 states. Add it up, and the 2009 St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s earned a total of 16 Absurdity Points.

That’s pretty high — but this season has a bowl that scores even higher. Before we get there, though, let’s run down the entire 2018 field in reverse order of silliness, grouped by total Absurdity Points:

5 points

Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic

Capital One Orange Bowl

Allstate Sugar Bowl

Hyundai Sun Bowl

These games earn marks about as low as you’ll see in the modern bowlscape. They all boast relatively short, catchy names; they generally feature good teams; and they don’t project for crazy scoring totals. Not even the pretentious “Classic” tacked on to the Cotton Bowl can boost its absurdity quotient by much. It’s like these bowls aren’t even trying to be ridiculous.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Nokia Sugar Bowl

6 points

New Era Pinstripe Bowl

Valero Alamo Bowl

Outback Bowl

Belk Bowl

The 6-pointers have potential but also flaws. “Belk Bowl” sounds kinda funny — and gets a bonus for the local nature of its department-store sponsor (Belk is in only 16 states) — but is undone by its alliterative plainness. The Outback Bowl has an anthropomorphic bloomin’ onion mascot, but it actually features decent, defensive-minded teams. (Ew.) And nothing about the Pinstripe Bowl really stands out in any category. I may as well just watch this old Alamo Bowl from 1998 with Drew Brees.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Jeep-Eagle Aloha Bowl

7 points

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

AutoZone Liberty Bowl

Quick Lane Bowl

Redbox Bowl

At a glance, “R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl” has the makings of a promising candidate. Its name is relatively long — nothing that a stray “presented by” couldn’t draw out even further — and its teams (Appalachian State and Middle Tennessee State) are appropriately mediocre. But the shipping industry isn’t absurd at all, and like most of the other 7-pointers, it fails to pick up any bonuses. Up your game, New Orleans Bowl, and try again next year.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Insight.com Bowl

8 points

Rose Bowl Game presented by Northwestern Mutual

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl

AutoNation Cure Bowl

The Rose Bowl’s name is ridiculously long (47 characters) and it gets a “presented by” bonus, too. But sadly, Ohio State and Washington are too good to help the Granddaddy of Them All rack up too many Absurdity Points. (The Music City Bowl also gets big points on length — 42 characters — though not much else.) Likewise, the Peach Bowl squanders its 3-point fast-food-chicken industry score6 with a good matchup (Florida vs. Michigan), and the Cure Bowl’s punchy name ruins any advantages drawn from its industry (a car dealership!) and crappy teams (sorry, Louisiana-Lafayette and Tulane). Ultimately, this is the last of the relatively normal bowl-name groupings.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Micron PC Bowl

9 points

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl

Raycom Media Camellia Bowl

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl

VRBO Citrus Bowl

SoFi Hawaii Bowl

DXL Frisco Bowl

New Mexico Bowl

Some highlights from the 9-pointers: The Frisco Bowl is sponsored by DXL, a men’s big and tall apparel retailer (which is definitely worth 3 Absurdity Points). The TaxSlayer Gator Bowl gets a residual dot-com bubble bonus for being sponsored by TaxSlayer.com. The Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl is an overly long name, while Raycom Media is a very local Southern broadcasting company. VRBO is an absurd-looking acronym for a vacation-rental marketplace (and is the Citrus Bowl’s third sponsor in five years). The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl is a huge mismatch (and is named for a potato-farming advocacy group). Still, none of these games really pulls together high marks in multiple categories, and that’s what keeps them from moving up the list.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Culligan Holiday Bowl

10 points

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman

Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl

Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl

Servpro First Responder Bowl

PlayStation Fiesta Bowl

After the 19 consecutive seasons it spent as the “Tostitos Fiesta Bowl” (which had a great ring to it) ended in 2014, the Fiesta Bowl is once again getting back to some measure of stability with Sony’s PlayStation as title sponsor for the third year in a row. That’s bad news for its Absurdity Score: Back in the heady days of fly-by-night obstacle-race BattleFrog’s 2016 sponsorship, the Fiesta graded out as a 16, a ridiculously high score for a prestige bowl. Now it simply ranks among a solid group that also includes the Las Vegas Bowl — now on its fourth different sponsorship situation in five years — and the Servpro First Responder Bowl, which used to be the perennial 16-point candidate (fast-food chicken!) Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Poulan/Weed Eater Independence Bowl

11 points

Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl

Jared Birmingham Bowl

Dollar General Bowl

Camping World Bowl

Cheez-It Bowl

Now this set of bowl names is nice and silly. There are points for funny products (Cheez-It snacks!), bad matchups (hello, Troy vs. Buffalo) and plenty of recent sponsor-switching. The Dollar General Bowl is somehow an upgrade on its former incarnation, the GoDaddy.com Bowl — which stopped existing in 2016 — but that should not obscure the fact that there is a Dollar General Bowl. (And Troy always seems to be in it.) Throw in a bunch of “who is Jared Birmingham?” jokes, and we’ve got a good tier right beneath the Top 5.

Old-school favorite from this tier: galleryfurniture.com Bowl

12 points: San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for Northwestern vs. Utah (Dec. 31)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 42 characters 3 Bad teams 1766 combined Elo 2 High scoring 46.24 total points 2 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Financial services 0 Base total 10 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total Absurdity Score 12

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

As mentioned earlier, this bowl’s absurdity calling-card is a sponsorship that applies to an extremely small slice of the people who will be watching it on TV. But the name is also really long (42 characters), and the Holiday Bowl isn’t too far removed from having a for-profit college as its primary sponsor, either.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl

13 points: Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for Marshall vs. South Florida (Dec. 20)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 30 characters 3 Bad teams 1430 combined Elo 3 High scoring 51.61 total points 2 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Heavy equipment 2 Base total 13 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company 0 Total Absurdity Score 13

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

Somehow, this bowl changed its name from the “St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s” and got even more absurd. In fact, in his story at SB Nation, Kirk makes a very compelling case that “Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl” is the single most ridiculous name in bowl history. In our accounting, it also ranks highly, if not No. 1, thanks to a strong combination of almost all of the factors we hand out credit for. The only reason it doesn’t rise further is a lack of bonuses; I debated listing Bad Boy Mowers as an “obscure company,” since they don’t have a Wikipedia page, but they’ve been around since 1998 and have about 500 employees. Either way, the bigger fix for a future version of our model might be a better way to quantify the inherent absurdity of the word “Gasparilla.”

13 points: Walk-On’s Independence Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for Temple vs. Duke (Dec. 27)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 27 characters 2 Bad teams 1609 combined Elo 2 High scoring 56.48 total points 2 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Restaurants 2 Base total 11 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total Absurdity Score 13

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

As for the Independence Bowl, the current “Walk-On’s” variation is just the latest in a fine tradition of ludicrous names. For instance, this is also the game that brought us the “AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl,” the “Duck Commander Independence Bowl” and the fabled “Poulan/Weed Eater Independence Bowl” — still probably the ur-example of a laughable bowl sponsorship from the 1990s. For its part, Walk-On’s Bistreaux & Bar is a local Louisiana-based sports bar chain co-owned by Brees, who long since left his Builders Square Alamo Bowl days behind to quarterback the New Orleans Saints.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl

14 points: Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for UAB vs. Northern Illinois (Dec. 18)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 26 characters 2 Bad teams 1485 combined Elo 3 High scoring 41.43 total points 2 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Foods 2 Base total 12 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total Absurdity Score 14

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

The Boca Raton Bowl is a relatively new entry on the list of postseason games and is in its second year of sponsorship with Cheribundi. What is Cheribundi, you ask? According to Wikipedia, it is a “company which sells a functional brand of cherry juice beverages,” and it used to be called CherryPharm. The “CherryPharm Boca Raton Bowl” might have been even more absurd than the actual name, but in either case, we have a game with truly bad teams (UAB and Northern Illinois), sponsored by a weird sector of the food industry, in a nonprestigious bowl played a full week before Christmas. That’s basically the kind of bowl our rating system was made for.

Old-school favorite from this tier: California Raisin Bowl

17 points: Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for Toledo vs. FIU (Dec. 21)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 26 characters 2 Bad teams 1409 combined Elo 3 High scoring 68.77 total points 3 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Local marketing 4 Base total 15 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total Absurdity Score 17

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

Finally, we arrive at No. 1 in our ranking, the first 17-point bowl in our sample — the brand-new Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl. What it lacks in length (only 26 characters), it makes up for with bad teams (neither Toledo nor Florida International cracks a 1450 Elo rating), a nearly 70-point over/under according to Jeff Sagarin’s projections, a former sponsor list that includes Popeye’s (fast-food chicken!!!) and a ridiculous backstory that involves a town in Illinois spending taxpayer money to sponsor a college football game staged in the Bahamas in order to drum up business for the largest contiguous industrial park in North America. (“Makers Wanted” is a slogan that, this press release informs us, “serves as a call-to-action for Elk Grove Village’s thriving community and the thousands of businesses that are based there.”)

It’s a fittingly absurd way to end our list of the most absurd bowl games of 2018. Enjoy the holidays and the bowl season, and don’t forget to spend time with friends and family between the football-watching. I look forward to what even greater absurdities next year’s bowls can bring to us in 2019.

Old-School favorite from this tier:7 BattleFrog Fiesta Bowl

from News About Sports https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-most-absurd-college-football-bowls-ranked-using-math/