#theyre both important to my mental wellbeing but at the same time they cause me so much trouble

[dude-iloveu]

ah

[darkbluescamvictim]

i meant to actually freak out more bout ur latest chapter but i think the handprint gepard had left on sampo got me so bad i went into a catatonic state or something. (which i am trying not to go Off bout like oh my god the handprint?? gepard's love for him and how much he cares for him and how he would push himself so far to protect him?? left a permanent mark on sampo??/ aueuugh) ANYWAYS sampo being so fuckign knowledgeable and explaining and also i love how u do the masked fools n what theyre about?? but also ALSO like the 'crimes' he did and how upset he was and how CERTAIN sampo was that gepard would despise him for it. like he truly had the idea of gepard as a noble absolute figure of honesty and lawfulness. and gepard saying he doesnt care??? because he cares about sampo MORE??? insane. it truly nailed one aspect of sampard i always puzzled on like of where gepard's limits/boundaries of his morals lie in if he is capable of bending his unwaivering ideals of justice in order to love and be with sampo.

also the whole handkerchiefs. loved that shit so much like the idea that sampo has a bunch of handkerchiefs on him randomly to pull off the occasional magic trick.

also also sorry for the wall of text lmao,,

Okay so this took me forever to answer cuz everytime I went into my inbox I cradled this post like "If I answer this I'm gonna lose it I don't want this ask to be gone I wanna look at it forever :'(" Until I realised I can just answer you publicly to keep it on my blog forever lmao I hope you don't mind? I have to put it under a cut tho because this got wayyyy too long

Anyway first of all please don't apologise for the wall of text I LOVE getting walls of text?!? This is like being a 3 year old who's just been unsupervised for a moment and managed to get into the sweets hands deep mouth smeared and 2 hour sugar rush incoming every time I read it ok. So no need to apologise. Also THANK YOU ACTUALLY CUZ THE HANDPRINT IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME TOO OK?? I had this idea for ages (and also because it was just the natural conclusion to Gepard's actions anyway) so I'm glad I'm not the only one who goes a tiny bit feral about the idea and symbolism ok thank you thank you thank you Next, I honestly spend hours agonising over the problem of Gepard being incredibly lawful and honest while Sampo is, in his very essence, at the very least a troublemaker and also a good amount of criminal (thief/conman/scammer yadda yadda) What makes this the most difficult is really that both these concepts are at the core of their character; almost everything Gepard is has something to do with his unwavering sense of justice and almost everything Sampo does has something to do with his 'shadiness', at the very least. So to subtract from one in favour for the other felt really really hard to do and I think if I wouldn't have had the basically 70k+ word build up I wouldn't have managed to find even just the resemblance of a believable middle ground for myself. In the end, I think that Gepard's sense of justice is ultimately a sense of loyalty to the people of Belobog (as seen by his character text about standing between Belobog & the Supreme Guardian if need be); which he believes will fend the best when they follow the rules and laws set down by their government. But since he is also (at least now) loyal to Sampo and his wellbeing, he can see that what Sampo did while maybe 'not right', isn't worth causing the mental anguish nor be punished that harshly if it makes Sampo this distraught. Not to mention, 'this' version of Gepard is slowly learning to be more selfish and so ultimately, he put his own desire to be close with Sampo above his sense of duty (basically for the first time) which, granted, is a step away from canon Gepard's attitude but I hope made believable enough through my painstaking work I put in :')

Also, yes, Sampo is enough of a clown to just have handkerchiefs with him at all times (same as the candy for the Moles, he's always prepared in that regard) (Also the handkerchiefs are surprisingly durable and do make a good improvisational rope if the need arises)

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

[meowscarada]

posting this here bc i feel like i'd get crucified on twitter on both sides but honestly like....guys, you have to stop clinging onto a 14-year-old image of gorillaz. gorillaz isnt what it used to be and i guarantee a lot of the people clinging onto it rn werent even fully aware of gorillaz's nature and the extent of the project when phase 2 was happening (myself included). i'm not saying we cant critique gorillaz. in fact, i think people who are constantly shutting down criticisms because "isnt it enough to just enjoy the music?" isn't a good response. those people who get mad at criticisms often do so because they've attached their interests so deeply to their identities that an "attack" on gorillaz is an attack on them. that isnt healthy. if you really love something, you should be willing to observe it at all angles and critique it to make it better. ultimately, critics give opinions because theyre invested in the wellbeing and improvement of the project. at the end of the day, this project was made specifically to encourage criticicism of the music industry. and now that they're in the music industry, it only makes sense to extend that criticism to them. so yes, please critique and question gorillaz's choices! it's really important to do so!

my gripe comes, though, when people are like "gorillaz isn't gorillaz anymore, now theyre irredeemable :((" because at the end of the day, every second gorillaz is active will always be the most gorillaz they've ever been. the same way that youre currently the most you you've ever been. because thats how time works lol. it's not unfair to critique gorillaz by comparing it to what it once was. but what is unfair is upholding what it once was as the only definitive version of gorillaz.

i get it. you wanna lament what's no longer there and you wanna mourn the loss of what the project once was. that's understandable, and its unfortunate because that kind of change in direction happens with a lot of projects, especially long-lasting ones. your disappointment in this case isn't your fault. however, you can lament without expecting for modern gorillaz to suddenly turn back into phase 2 and then get disappointed that it didnt happen. at that point, your disappointment is your fault because youre putting expectations in a place that gorillaz has proven they will not reach since at least 2010.

you can't get mad at a penguin for not flying even if it evolved from something that once could. instead, place your expectations in its swimming capabilities since that's the new direction it evolved into. gorillaz has evolved in a different direction now. you have to accept that at some point. you have to accept that gorillaz is a different project now, and thusly mold your critiques around the project that it currently is rather than critiquing it under the context of a project it's not. if you're not molding your critiques to the project it currently is, then your criticisms lose a lot of relevance. depending on how disconnected they are, they cease to be criticisms at all. they just become complaints.

this is the part where i say obviously everyone is entitled to their own opinion and everyone is allowed to like or dislike content however they want. everyone is entitled to complain now and again. and at the end of the day, i can choose to mute people if i dont wanna hear endless complaints against gorillaz or endless defensiveness against critics (which i already have muted ppl on both sides). but im not necessarily saying this for my own sake. ive already got myself covered, ive already muted who i wanted to and will likely unmute once everything is less divisive. im saying this for the sake of those who are so distraught by the path gorillaz has taken and distraught by those with valid criticisms against gorillaz. you guys are making your lives a lot harder and youre exerting a lot of your mental and emotional energy investing in either A) a project that no longer exists and will never exist again; or B) valid critiques on said project that hurt your feelings because you've attached your identity to this thing.

all im saying is, if youre not having fun, you can go home. if it causes you so much anguish to see gorillaz or to see people talk about gorillaz, take a break from gorillaz. thats what i did, and it personally helped me gain a new perspective when coming back into it. i still prefer the older way that gorillaz handled things, and probably always will. but the new doesn't taint my experiences of the old anymore because i took a break from the tunnel vision i (and others) have been getting. it really affected my enjoyment of the media i once loved. this maybe wont work for you, but it's a suggestion. because i guarantee you, youre never gonna get what you want being in denial about the state of things. like it or not, accept it and move on with your life.

(in case anyone is wondering bc im not here to start drama, this is NOT against anyone or any group of people specifically. i may have referenced a few people's complaints here, but only bc it's what i saw on twitter. this is not a #vaguepost or #callout or whatever. this is a blanket statement for the entire fanbase. so i better not see anyone commenting "its ok op, you can just say [insert twitter handle here]")

[josephbinningyoumatter]

Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us

Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us

Boundaries, we all know what they are. As children, they teach us what a boundary is. How far we can go before we get in trouble. Where the line is that we just can’t cross. They have taught us this for our own protection. To keep us safe. We sometimes even put up with things that annoy us, bother us, concern us, or even scare us and completely ignore the lesson of boundaries. As we grow and learn to spread our wings, we, as humans, forget the lesson of boundaries. We can be more forgiving, possibly even be more tolerant in some situations to be a good person. According to IPFW/Parkview Student Assistance Program: “A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin, and the other person ends... The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is to protect and take good care of you” (n. d.). Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us — Joseph Binning When we don’t have a strong sense of self value or identity, it may show that we have not set proper healthy boundaries in our lives. Boundaries, what you will or will not tolerate, protect you. Words lead to actions. Actions lead to results. Results lead to consequences. Sometimes terrible consequences. Boundaries can be emotional, physical, or mental, depending on the situation we need them for. Boundaries are self-care. You can read more on this here:https://www.josephbinning.com/why-the-message-you-matter-even-if-you-dont-think-so-is-so-important-now/ Setting up healthy boundaries can have many benefits, including helping people decide based on what’s best for them, not just the people or circumstances around them. So, what are Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us. Boundaries are the separation you keep between yourself and another person or a particular circumstance for your own wellbeing. When we ignore our own wellbeing over another person’s we are telling ourselves that we don’t matter. We tell ourselves the other person is more important, or worthy, than we are. We send ourselves the wrong message.

When we ignore our own wellbeing over another person’s we are telling ourselves that we don’t matter. At work, for example, always keep your personal life separate from your work life. That means when others gossip about someone you might know, politely, but firmly, inform them you do not wish to hear such things. Will this cause you tension with co-workers, possibly. In the workplace, people forget that we should always strive to set a professional standard. These things backfire, especially when someone finds out from someone else that someone has been gossiping about them and you are in the middle of it. If this happens you will have wished, you would have set a boundary. In a relationship, be it friendship or romantic, always set boundaries of what you will not accept. If for example you do not appreciate being spoken to in a loud voice, politely, yet firmly, inform the other party that that is not acceptable with you and be willing to draw a line in the sand on the issue. You can read more on this here:https://www.josephbinning.com/relationships%e2%9c%b5are-not-about-sex-theyre-about-you/   People will not respect you until they see what it is you respect.  — Joseph Binning People will not respect you until they see what it is you respect, especially if it’s you that you respect. By communicating your boundaries to the other person, you will prevent resentment and or possibly anger from arising in either of you. Stand firm in your boundaries. When you set a boundary with someone you do not need to over-explain the reason why you set it with them. Briefly, say why it is not acceptable to you and expect them to honor it. By drawing a line in the sand and saying to the other person “you can go this far before we have a problem” you are communicating your boundaries. This is Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us. If they know where the line is that they cannot cross with you, they cannot hurt you. It's when we fudge the line, when we erase it and draw another trying to be “flexible” that we lose sight of why we set the boundaries. We dishonor ourselves and the peace we deserve in our lives when we do not honor our boundaries. With all boundary violations must come a consequence if we are to honor ourselves.   “When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom” (Cloud & Townsend, 2002).   As parents, we set boundaries for our children. It's for their protection. “No Johnny, you can’t play catch on the freeway”. Sounds silly saying it, but it’s a good example of a healthy boundary. Johnny really wants to play catch, but you as a parent do not want to see the consequences of what might happen should a car speeding should hit him. For the same reason we need to set similar boundaries for ourselves, to prevent the consequences of what might happen if there were no boundary set. When we set boundaries for ourselves, we become more secure. Secure that we are honoring ourselves, possibly for the first time in our lives, because we matter. Because we will not tolerate what we do not wish to have manifest in our lives. “What we don’t tolerate, cannot manifest in our lives.” — Joseph Binning Boundaries work both ways. We need to set personal boundaries within our own lives to maintain a level of peace within ourselves. Knowing we re-think a boundary, or re-shape it, or just plain old forget it entirely negatively affects our self-esteem and our sense of self-worth. When we do not honor ourselves, first, we cannot be honorable or be worth honoring by others.   In my recently published book titled You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here  Amazon You Matter, even if you don't think so I discuss Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us.   If you change the way you look at things, you will change the way you see things. — Joseph Binning       You can read more about change and why you need to do it here:https://www.josephbinning.com/change%e2%9c%b5why-its-necessary-and-how-to-do-it-well-2/

  If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles. You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don't think so For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report Remember: Happiness is a choice, so choose to be happy.  

Nelson, D. (2016, December 8). Self-Care 101: Setting Healthy Boundaries. Retrieved from http://www.dananelsoncounseling.com/blog/self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/ Cloud, H., Townsend, J. (2002). Boundaries in Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan. Read the full article

[fenharelxenansal]

ooc;;

so i went back into my discord history to dig up some meta i wrote a while back about briala. alice, nixe, mo, merc, and cay have all already read this, but i feel like a lot of it is really important to my characterization and i want it on my blog. maybe someday i’ll format it to read in a less disjointed, chat-style way, but for now -- have 1600+ words about briala’s backstory, i guess?

cw: lots of emotional abuse and gaslighting, lots of character death

im having a mood abt the tactics celene might have used to keep briala on her side when they were fighting and aaugh

bc i think a lot about the scene at the beginning of TME where bria is getting sexually harassed by a palace guard and the fact that nobody in that scene, briala included, acts like its anything particularly abnormal. that worries me

i mean. celene killed her damn parents. i dont think encouraging a guard to harass briala from time to time to make herself look like a saint in comparison is beyond her

and i have this mental image of briala being hurt in some way, nothing serious, a bruise here or there from someone other than celene, deliberately caused to send her running back to the empress who will make it all better

to give briala someone to hate instead of celene

to give celene the opportunity to 'make it up' to her

because i dont believe for a second that celene, grand player of the Game that she is, wouldn't stoop that low

she would do anything in her power to keep briala

because she is too dangerous, she knows too much

my headcanon is that when celene tried to send her away to live with the Dalish, it wasn't for her own protection

it was to keep her from ever realizing the truth of what happened the night her parents died, because it could destabilize celene's grip on power

and when Briala came back, well, she had to come up with another plan. and she cared for Briala enough that she didn't want to just kill her. so she made her into an intensely loyal asset

so i think any time Briala started to turn on her, started to want to leave her service even a little, she would do something to make herself look like the good guy again

the thing i always think about

Briala was supposed to be killed that night along with her parents

it wasn't 'all the servants except briala' it was 'all the servants'. the fact that she survived was pure luck, and the fact that celene didn't just have her killed after that point was because. well. Celene was a 16 year old lesbian about to ascend the throne of one of the most powerful countries in Thedas. One might imagine her a bit lonely.

im pretty sure she knew sending briala away was sending her to likely bandits or death by starvation

but she didn't have to feel so personally responsible for that

its easy to kill a palace full of servants whose names you dont know

theyre just numbers on a piece of parchment saying how many bodies you have to clean up

briala made herself real to celene and that makes her harder to kill

because she could have just killed her right then herself

but celene never had the stomach for killing people herself. she just gives the orders.

and so when faced with that situation, with her personal handmaiden traumatized, crying, covered in her parents' blood saying 'they're all dead', the smart thing to do would have been to kill her. but celene didn't do that. she just sent her away to near-certain death instead.

Briala is incredibly dangerous to Celene

especially post-TME, post realization of exactly how Celene orchestrated her rise to power

she is the only one who knows that Celene's claim on the throne is truly illegitimate, no matter how much Gaspard tries to argue it

not only did she have her own palace servants murdered

she had the emperor assassinated

which i think everyone misses?

she had him assassinated and then staged the murder of her palace servants to paint herself as an innocent victim who just happened to not be there that night

thats why all the palace servants were killed

so that suspicion would not fall on her for Florian's murder

the point was to make it look like the same assassins who went after her uncle were also going after her

when in reality she was the one calling the shots all along

i did briefly toy with writing a verse where Briala never met Felassan, where she made it to the Dalish safe at 14 years old and tried to become one of them

but the fact is that the moment he sent her back to Celene was a defining moment for her, something that fundamentally changed her, and she wouldn't have been anywhere near the same person without that

it told her, right there and right then, subtextually and insidiously, that the cause was the most important thing, more than her safety - because she knew it was dangerous being anywhere near the Empress-to-be, she wasn't stupid. she didn't even really know what the cause was at that point; he never told her what he got out of their meetings. so the cause to her became helping elves. and then that really quickly became warped to helping celene because she convinced her that it was the best way to serve the cause.

"what would have been different if she'd decided what she wanted to fight for on her own?"

she would have been a lot less.....not less dedicated, but less 'dedicated to the detriment of her own wellbeing'

if she had decided herself not to go to the Dalish, to stay by Celene's side to enact change, rather than just following the orders of other people, her story would be very different

concept: briala actually processing her trauma??? what???

bc you know the moment she got back to the palace with Celene after meeting Fel for the first time she threw herself headfirst into the Game

she focused all of her energy on intelligence-gathering and supporting Celene in her bid to become Empress

She never gave herself a single moment to grieve

and it isn't an uncommon story in Thedas, an elf watching someone or multiple someones they love cut down by humans

imagine if u will: briala, trying to have a funeral, not just for her parents, but for all of them

thats the thing i really feel the need to

idk

it wasn't just her parents

briala grew up in the palace. her parents were both palace servants.

she knew every single one of those servants. they were her friends and her family. and at the end of it she was left standing covered in blood in front of celene. celene was all she had left.

she didn't have any friends at the beginning of TME. she was friendly with the cook, but that was it.

celene took a generally happy, driven, and incredibly smart 14-year old elven girl and took away everyone she had ever known except herself. she made herself briala's world.

that's the real reason i hate that you can reunite them. its not that i don't believe they could be reunited - its that they can. because briala doesn't have anyone else. she has celene and felassan. that's it.

when you only have one person, its easy to make excuses for them and justify the things theyve done. its easy to believe them when they apologize and promise to do better.

thats why i want briala to have friends and lovers and people

i want to have a verse where she has grown so far beyond that point that she would laugh if Celene asked her to return to the palace

i want her to stop loving Celene but she isn't there yet

in my current writing, at least

she is still vulnerable to her in every verse where Celene is still alive

i just imagine her like

talking quietly about her childhood best friend among the servants

we don't get to see much of Briala's childhood

we get the moment of her mother telling her she mustn't try to hide her ears and that she must be proud of being an elf. that's really it.

but we do know that there were other children of servants who were considered for Celene's handmaiden aside Briala

i like to think she was friends with these other children. that she wasn't always lonely from the start

but of course that leads down the road of those friends being slaughtered as well so its a tradeoff

and then there's the question of whether when Celene kissed her when she was sending her away, if that was her first kiss, if she ever even had the chance to love someone else

i think a lot about how Briala spent 20 years learning how to love exactly 1 person the way she wanted to be loved

just imagining her trying to have a romantic relationship with someone else with that framework still in place is painful. it wouldn't work no matter how much she wanted it to because she'd be treating them like celene. she has no other model for how a relationship can work

she bypasses that somewhat with Lana, but its still there, thinking that the best thing to do is the thing that Keeps Lana Safe

she wouldn't recognize abuse if she got into another bad relationship

and she doesn't know how a relationship works where she isn't centering the other person's needs over her own

she gave up everything she ever wanted or aspired to for Celene

one time i got a prompt from a lyric starter list i made

'you can still be what you want to'

and briala just. broke for a moment.

'no. i can't. i never could - none of us ever could. thats why we fight.'

she doesn't have interests or hobbies or friends or a life

celene was her life and now she's filled that void with her cause

[josephbinningyoumatter]

Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us

Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us Boundaries, we all know what they are. As children, they teach us what a boundary is. How far we can go before we get in trouble. Where the line is that we just can’t cross. They have taught us this for our own protection. To keep us safe. We sometimes even put up with things that annoy us, bother us, concern us, or even scare us and completely ignore the lesson of boundaries. As we grow and learn to spread our wings, we, as humans, forget the lesson of boundaries. We can be more forgiving, possibly even be more tolerant in some situations to be a good person. According to IPFW/Parkview Student Assistance Program: “A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin, and the other person ends... The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is to protect and take good care of you” (n. d.). Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us — Joseph Binning When we don’t have a strong sense of self value or identity, it may show that we have not set proper healthy boundaries in our lives. Boundaries, what you will or will not tolerate, protect you. Words lead to actions. Actions lead to results. Results lead to consequences. Sometimes terrible consequences. Boundaries can be emotional, physical, or mental, depending on the situation we need them for. Boundaries are self-care. You can read more on this here:https://www.josephbinning.com/why-the-message-you-matter-even-if-you-dont-think-so-is-so-important-now/ Setting up healthy boundaries can have many benefits, including helping people decide based on what’s best for them, not just the people or circumstances around them. So, what are Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us. Boundaries are the separation you keep between yourself and another person or a particular circumstance for your own wellbeing. When we ignore our own wellbeing over another person’s we are telling ourselves that we don’t matter. We tell ourselves the other person is more important, or worthy, than we are. We send ourselves the wrong message. At work, for example, always keep your personal life separate from your work life. That means when others gossip about someone you might know, politely, but firmly, inform them you do not wish to hear such things. Will this cause you tension with co-workers, possibly. In the workplace, people forget that we should always strive to set a professional standard. These things backfire, especially when someone finds out from someone else that someone has been gossiping about them and you are in the middle of it. If this happens you will have wished, you would have set a boundary. In a relationship, be it friendship or romantic, always set boundaries of what you will not accept. If for example you do not appreciate being spoken to in a loud voice, politely, yet firmly, inform the other party that that is not acceptable with you and be willing to draw a line in the sand on the issue. You can read more on this here:https://www.josephbinning.com/relationships%e2%9c%b5are-not-about-sex-theyre-about-you/   People will not respect you until they see what it is you respect.  — Joseph Binning People will not respect you until they see what it is you respect, especially if it’s you that you respect. By communicating your boundaries to the other person, you will prevent resentment and or possibly anger from arising in either of you. Stand firm in your boundaries. When you set a boundary with someone you do not need to over-explain the reason why you set it with them. Briefly, say why it is not acceptable to you and expect them to honor it. By drawing a line in the sand and saying to the other person “you can go this far before we have a problem” you are communicating your boundaries. This is Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us. If they know where the line is that they cannot cross with you, they cannot hurt you. It's when we fudge the line, when we erase it and draw another trying to be “flexible” that we lose sight of why we set the boundaries. We dishonor ourselves and the peace we deserve in our lives when we do not honor our boundaries. With all boundary violations must come a consequence if we are to honor ourselves.   “When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom” (Cloud & Townsend, 2002).   As parents, we set boundaries for our children. It's for their protection. “No Johnny, you can’t play catch on the freeway”. Sounds silly saying it, but it’s a good example of a healthy boundary. Johnny really wants to play catch, but you as a parent do not want to see the consequences of what might happen should a car speeding should hit him. For the same reason we need to set similar boundaries for ourselves, to prevent the consequences of what might happen if there were no boundary set. When we set boundaries for ourselves, we become more secure. Secure that we are honoring ourselves, possibly for the first time in our lives, because we matter. Because we will not tolerate what we do not wish to have manifest in our lives. “What we don’t tolerate, cannot manifest in our lives.” — Joseph Binning Boundaries work both ways. We need to set personal boundaries within our own lives to maintain a level of peace within ourselves. Knowing we re-think a boundary, or re-shape it, or just plain old forget it entirely negatively affects our self-esteem and our sense of self-worth. When we do not honor ourselves, first, we cannot be honorable or be worth honoring by others.   In my recently published book titled You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here  Amazon You Matter, even if you don't think so I discuss Boundaries: What We Do Not Tolerate Cannot Hurt Us.   If you change the way you look at things, you will change the way you see things. — Joseph Binning       You can read more about change and why you need to do it here:https://www.josephbinning.com/change%e2%9c%b5why-its-necessary-and-how-to-do-it-well-2/   If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles. You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don't think so For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report Remember: Happiness is a choice, so choose to be happy.   Nelson, D. (2016, December 8). Self-Care 101: Setting Healthy Boundaries. Retrieved from http://www.dananelsoncounseling.com/blog/self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/ Cloud, H., Townsend, J. (2002). Boundaries in Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan. Read the full article