#theyre probably going to be part of the same story as my spiral with a similar skin

[bakugames-fr]

I love even numbers and numbers that end in 0 so i decided to add one more project to my wip page: this guy. don't know what i'm doing with them yet but they're fun to draw

[bye-bye-firefly]

Ooh! So, ya know how a few days ago you were talking about how the first fic you wrote was a choromatsu x reader fic? I suddenly remembered you mentioning that the first fic you wrote was a time loop fic and now I’m curious as to what the plot for that was

Also, I just came to the realization that I don’t have to scroll through my following list to find your account, I can just use the search button. I know this is probably like really obvious to everyone except for me but I am very excited about this!

okay so the plot was essentially like. it starts out super normal right. for a WHILE its a normal x reader was the idea. like you get you (reader) just hanging out with the boys and getting closer to them, though i really wanted to focus on choromatsu at the time. long after this fic was deleted, i also had the idea of making it be like a multiple-choice thing so i have a bunch of chapters with the same numbers with different letters beside them to differentiate choices, which was ALSO going to play into the fic. i wasnt really that far into the story when i deleted it, so i couldve reasonably added chapters where you get to know all the boys and get closer to them. but yeah you think its normal youre lulled into a false sense of security and then i was going to reveal the time loop like BAM theres a time loop. and it was going to become CRAZY TOWN in there but i never got to that part because i was very flustered and frustrated with it. but choromatsu was aware of it and then the reader became aware of it

i also had the idea of it being like. the end of the choromatsu route feels like its all settled and done with but then it reveals its not. the loop keeps going or the reader resets. and then if a reader was really curious they could go through the other x reader chapters and see what the fuck is going on and it would basically be like There is no proper end. and the whole thing hinges on the fact that you, the reader, are NOT COMPLIANT WITH THE CANON OF THE UNIVERSE. you DO NOT EXIST in this story and you SHOULDNT. this SHOULDNT be something thats happening and YOU ARE AWARE OF THIS. i wanted it to get really meta and the horror was going to be amazing i had a scene planned where the reader goes to hang out with one of the boys, walks into the house, and theres nothing there and you just get to talk to god. i wanted it to very quickly spiral out of control with the multiple options that you could respond with and for the text of god to become very jumbled and nonsensical (because theyre answering ALL THE RESPONSES instead of JUST ONE because there is NO WAY to tell which response you choose in the format i was writing the story in) until you get to the end, where god kicks you out and tells you to keep going. i wanted the final chapters to be either a) the reader systematically removing themselves from the story as a selfless act for the boys or b) the reader KEEPS FIGHTING the will of the universe until the fic collapses in on itself. like the universe just gives up and you can TELL it just gives up. the universe lets out a final breath

talking about it you realise that this is a really huge idea that really i could not do on my own. i think that i could write an individual story like this and i do love the idea of meta-commentary, ive always wanted to get meta in my stories, but this is a REALLY BIG idea. especially considering there are six brothers? and because they are six different people, there needs to be six different plots? like yeah im not doing that . sure its all going to eventually focus on the time loop but like. i need to keep lulling the people who choose osomatsu into a false sense of security until he learns about the time loop.

and also its juggling a reader that may or may not know theyre in a time loop. you have to constantly write as if it could be either or so that readers can come back and be like Holy fucking shit because that is probably the best feeling as a reader is being able to go back and Realise. and i cannot pull a nameless and have the reader character be expectant that theyre in a time loop because when that comes out, it would make more sense for the reader to be in shock no matter WHAT version of the universe theyre in. the person who should be acting like they know is choromatsu because he has a reason to. and of course, as time goes on and as you continue reading through the routes, choromatsu becomes more and more suspicious of you. but its hard to write this when its like. do you want this to be multiple choice or do you want this to centre on choromatsu. because wanting it to centre on choromatsu makes this make sense, but then adding in multiple choice and writing the multiple-choice sections at the same time, it makes the whole concept fall apart. if a reader comes into the story and starts reading the ichimatsu route, theyre going to be hit with these things that they dont even understand. theyre reading the story completely out of whack BUT THATS HOW ITS MEANT TO BE READ me making it multiple choice means that im ALLOWING this to be the experience they get.

like as banging as this story sounds in my head and as banging as the chapters i have written are (as banging as they could be considering i was 16 years old writing them) i do not think i could actually post this because it would just be really confusing to follow if you consumed the story as it was meant to be consumed which could potentially be TECHNICALLY out of order. people do this with the how to: series as well there are a lot of people who have read how to: happy and have NOOOOO fucking clue what is going on in there. they came for KARAMATSU ANGST and NOTHING MORE they DID NOT expect there to be HORROR NIGHTMARES but that is exactly what they got. so i just know that is how that would go with this series which i know for sure would fuck people up. you walk into a 150k+ jyushimatsu x reader and on the 14th chapter youre in there talking to fucking god like HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[alientiime]

song ricommendations

pure blood (dareharu)

be me (doul)

eureka (natori)

1212。(ahub x tadano kaede)

keloid (necchi)

heat abnormal (iyowa)

/w comments in read more

pure blood (dareharu) ampstyle's style is really good... it's really unfortunate we'll never hear it again :'[ at the very least we can listen to the songs theyre going to release, we'll probably never forget ampstyle's music

ok being sentimental aside, the video is soso good. RDR's animation never disappoints and the colour palette is super nice. the pops of red in the mostly blue/purple colours?! amazing

i love that part where the train is falling vertically

be me (doul) oh my god, english? i'm jk, there's a joke here

perfy ending for the arknights anime methinks, really gives u that 'the world is fcked w fictional rock cancer but we still continue living anyways' vibe

eureka (natori) another song about things falling apart but u have each other maybe and it'll be ok, something about fleeting memories or smth

1212。(ahub x tadano kaede) i dunno tadano kaede well, but i think their styles meshed together super well, and ahub always has this vibe i really like (my favs being actor, inhuman etc)

i wish it was longer :pensive:

keloid (necchi) necchi's songs are soo good and i like all of them, i rlly like how... well it's not exactly edm or dubstep i think?? but i like this type of thing, i wish it was 3min but maybe smth aggressive like this doesnt need to be that long...no im jk make it longer please

heat abnormal (iyowa) i really like living millennium too, but heat abnormal is basically my favourite iyowa. adachi rei's voice fits this super well

it does make u feel like ure stuck in a heatwave and even the video itself makes u feel like ure gonna overheat. it feels like youre spiralling in a whirlpool (positive). smth about inevitability, or impossibility, or smth else entirely. not sure. an urgency for Something but u dont know what it is

i can listen to this a billion times, it gives me the same vibes as non-breathe oblige

i also kinda associate this w a bl bc i read it at the same time i discovered it help, the vibes rlly fit tho! cuz there's a drought in the story and this is like, heat, ykno

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[boxheadpaint]

urlii

did you know i can point out all the mystics by name and appearance? Im a very sad old man. anyway, thats not important right now

I saw this image in a post, with someone who stated that this was a picture of urSan. i highly doubted this, and being the kind of creature i am i wasnt about to believe either option without a bit of research.

this was all because i did not want to believe ursan wore a hat. for the love of god please help me.

at first i assumed ‘oh, maybe it’s urMa? isn’t this the same picture issa sent me’. this was a mistake on my part, as the image i was actually thinking of was this

this mystic, one could assume, is intended to be urMa due to their placement across from SkekVar

ok then. sure, but they look kinda similar right? (they dont, theyre just both wearing hats and i was currently in denial.)

this will come back later.

so then i was like Oh well maybe its *notices the tiny mystic in the caves* urLii! besides, what would urSan have to do with this story, something so important that it overshadows urlii? now, this would be a strange answer, because this creature looks barely anything like urlii... sort of.

the face and headshape of this character is obscured somewhat, but we can tell that they have a possibly similar thought spiral to urLii’s own. what’s very interesting though is their robes, with leaf-like patterns on them. Again, it is hard to make out, but it isnt too far off from urLii’s.

also, let’s take a look at the tiny mystic really quick.

weird feather things sticking out from head maybe, a sort of lump on its back similar to the first mystic, and its sitting...

at the lake shore of a cave. Ok, so this might be the same character as the first one, and thus would be urLii. really interesting. im not done there

this is urLii.

so, he’s of course very different from the mystic in the cover art. yet they both seem to share the same... story... significance? moments? idk, whats represented on the cover. and they both meet at the alcove, right?

right?

so let me ask you something

who the sam hell is this

‘oh, it’s urLii obviously’ IT IS LITERALLY NOT THEY LOOK COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

this was the mystic that we all assumed was ursan on their first reveal. then the next issue came out and it was actually urlii. right??

except the differences between these two are massive. no moss, shorter hair, WEARS A HAT, a different SNOUT even, BUT... Clearly shares the same colors and robes as urLii??

ok, lets say urlii had a bit of a redesign between issues. sure.

so heres urLii when we see him next after ordon wakes up

yea hes wearing a hat

and heres him again barely a moment later

haha no hat man

so if we can assume that these are all the same weird old lizard based on the similarities trailing between designs, than that probably means the same for the mystic in the first image. besides, what would ursan have to do with the story at this point?

‘ok, so maybe theyre all part of the design process for urlii-’ im not. done yet

heres another cover, possibly based on the panel with urLii healing ordon OR... the panel was based on the cover. or neither.

now what does this have to do with anything, other than being urlii? well ive got you there because thats not urlii thats CLEARLY

urUtt the Weaver

same hair style and gloves/arm things. but: no moss, no hair clips or braids, and Certainly No Hat.

‘what the hell are you going on about’ its all urlii

‘you just said- ok. so its all just urlii. but what about urma?’

oh him? him and his hat?

thats urAc. meaning its urLii again

its always urLii

so what was the point of this post? iunno. at first it was me losing my marbles because Oh these are all CLEARLY not the same mystic, or straight up just an already existing mystic

but at this point its just neat. anyway heres a hypothetical urlii evolution chart

[paulwalltran]

Dungeons and Dragons Loneliness

Another interview with lofi music. Today was a pretty shitty day, alot on my mind. Here to unload. 

Today’s mood: Fuck it all...

It’s a mad addiction, a horrendous one. It’s all I think about, it’s all I want to talk about. Or almost anything fantasy related. I’ve recently gotten a little closer with one of my co workers. Delerner Banks, everyone calls him Del. He’s always in the tunnel, and always brings warhammer books to read and do work (whatever it is he’s working on.) We talk about fantasy related things all the time, and sometimes we bounce ideas off each other, feeling out our thoughts of settings and lore. Talking to him about some fantasy before leaving work made me feel alot better. The loneliness inside has been eating at me.

I know it’s salt, I know its jealousy, that I’m mad at my friends. They been hanging out more without me, playing cards and shit. Its not a passion of mine, its fun sometimes, but its still not me. Its what they bond over, its what they do together, and that’s what theyre into. If I had to guess, they’re okay with Dungeons and Dragons, but even my best friend said that I take it too serious. Its fallen out of their favor, it eats up a lot of time, and they each have their version of what a fun campaign would be like. In me, I said to myself, “Fine, fuck it. I’ll have to assemble another crew to play with.” Tough situation then isn’t it? Wanting to play a social game that needs bodies, during an age where social gatherings are frowned upon, because they carry a potential to spread a virus... Still, this is what I want to do. I want a group of friends, who share the same passion I do. My current friends must think ill of me, they may just want to hang out. They think that if they come hang with me, I’ll want a game of DnD without a doubt. They just want to chill and kick it, they don’t want to roll dice. But ask me once and I’ll tell you yes twice, to playing DnD. 

I love it with all my heart, all of the contents and materials are here, ready to play. No extra investments, no money needed to be spent, we can get going off of nothing like we did back then. A table top roleplaying game, we started with cardboard and lego figures, and just two books to share. But there was fun to be had, and a few heated sessions. But fun it was, the more we played the deeper i grew fond of the game. I’m even willing to experiment with other systems if I have someone to guide me. With cards, you gotta constantly update your arsenal to keep up with the meta, and let’s be real, not playing anything remotely close to meta isn’t as fun. Different formats allow different decks, and to keep current you gotta keep up. I dont have the fundings for it, I dont have the luck. I would rather buy a module that’ll last for years, versus a pack of cards. I have two books that have skyrocketed in value, cards go up and down like stocks. But thats the appeal I suppose, I don’t care for it though.

Back to the thing at hand, I’m in their group chat as they make plans. I can’t be there for all that. But fuck it, that’s all Im going to say. Fuck it, on repeat, until its engraved into my head. Pride is getting the best of me, I refused to be denied again. If it’s not something they want to do, so be it, I need to look out for me in the end.  I must muster up the courage to start playing online again, the first one wasn’t bad, but it fell apart. I need to get the courage to be social, and get over the fear that everyone expects you to be a pro player. I’m scared going into this green still, roll20 isn’t my forte. But if I want to play DnD, this seems to be my only option. It may fulfill my wish, to find friends who are just as passionate as I. My other friends, they’re over on the other side. Its fine, it truly is, they have one another, and I need to be strong. I need to find the strength in this loneliness, even though its tearing me apart. My circle becomes smaller, thats just the way of the world. Adapt to survive, be formless like water...

Dungeons and Dragons, my greatest escape. I can be anybody, and do things I normally can’t. I can clobber up bad guys, indecent folk, and finesse my way out of punishment from the law. I can save a village, a town, a kingdom, when I can hardly save myself. I can fly, cast spells, break locks, imagination is my only limit. I can hoard and amass vast amounts of riches, I myself can even become a dragon. I don’t have to be me, although a bit of me resides in everyone I’ve made before. I can never truly separate myself, from those Ive breathed life into. For hours on end, I can go anywhere, do anything, I melt into the world thats placed before me.

 Because the reality is that I’m practically shit, and nobody. The world is fucked up and jacked up and spiraling down the drain. I’m mentally fucked and my physicality is pretty much the same. I’m stuck in place when the world is demanding me to change. I lost with no real direction. No map in hand, no guide, and I’m scared out of my mind. I don’t know whether to trust the process or commit suicide. Im not sure where I’ll end up, if it’s good or bad. Im struggling, I’m suffering, and there seems to be no end. I could say I’m trying, but I would be lying, if I had to look at the brighter side. The positive things in life are so hard to identify. But my emotions are raw and hit hard, slamming against the walls in my skull. Demanding me to give them attention...and attention I give them, as they tear me up. Like being pulled at by the limbs, drawn and quartered is the method it seems like today. I was thinking that I couldn’t drink forever, my body would eventually reject. But what if I drank energy drinks on end, a heart attack to get me out of this place. I can down those all day long, so whats stopping me from taking that way out of it? Less grotesque and violent, it’ll probably be painful as hell. An organ seizing up, as the body ceases the function. I get said thinking about it sometimes, but one day, enough will be enough. But damn that lady...damn her for speaking those words... Tomorrow. If nothing is better by tomorrow, then do as you may. But sleep it off, tomorrow is another day. 

It’s not verbatim, but its the gist. Just wait for tomorrow, and hopefully things will change. The choice is still mine to make, and something in me pushes me forward, keeps me going on. Sometimes I think about who I’m leaving behind, and maybe how much it’ll hurt. The evil darkness inside me says that they’ll get over it, they have to, and time doesn’t wait. I won’t be immortalized, I’ll simply end up a statistic. That maybe itll be a few years the sadness remains fresh, but wounds always heal. Discrediting my actual existence, and any form of relations. Like I wouldn’t have made any actual impressions, people don’t weep for me now. People kind of forget I exist already, what makes me think they won’t after I’m gone? 

I think about my folks, my grandma, my girlfriend, my second family, and other close dear friends. I think about how many last will letters I would have to put out there, before I call for the curtains. Sometimes, I say I will start writing them, but they give me pause. I end up not wanting to leave this world, after pouring out my heart. Because I don’t want to leave any questions behind for people who matter, I want them to know how I felt before I passed. I want to leave with them apart of me, so they would never forget. 

Still it doesn’t change, shit is rough as of lately, work has been eating me up. I feel like Im never hundred percent, and me back on gaming is making it worst. I’ve gotten back onto Elder Scrolls Skyrim, its been my virtual version of DnD. Waiting for the Outer World Expansion, so I can get addicted to that again. All I want to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, the question is how do I make that into a living? I think being a Matthew Mercer is one in a million, I don’t think I’m that great. I’m willing to learn, grow, evolve because it is my passion, but I’m always scared of making mistakes. To be one of the greater Dungeon Masters, to be THE Wizards of the Coast Dungeon Master, it may possibly be the dream. To eat, sleep, breathe, Dee en Dee. My obsession isn’t that crazy though, I’m still behind on the lore of creatures and settings, I haven’t studied at all. But with the right drive and motivation, I would, especially with something as real as a legit group.

Enthusiastic players, who show up every week, bi weekly, once every month even, to play this fantastic game. Group of chill folks who is willing to take the Dungeon Master Mantle with I get burned out and have the desire to be in the player seat. One of those is the driving force, they make me want to plan. They make me want to make the world, the style, everything in general better, with the constructive feedback. I mean it’s been so long as I was a player in a campaign until the end, I’m beginning to think paying for a Dungeon Master wouldn’t be so bad. Once a month? A couple of hours? I mean I’m thinking like seven USD per hour? Eight isn’t bad, but after that it becomes a questionable amount. It repeats in my head, “No DnD is better than Bad DnD”, this much is probably still true. I say still because I still might want at least one session with said game, so I can at least say it was the worst after having attempt it, rolling something. Ha ha, I kid myself, I’m lying because I know the rage would be all to real and caution is my game most of the time. But I mean, I just might have to start exploring the idea, I was definitely going to ask on FaceBook if any Roll20 games was recruiting a newbie. 

Alas, today won’t be the last time I speak on the matter, Dungeons and Dragons haunt me everyday. I stare at minis, I stare at the upcoming books and modules, and I watch youtube where they tell RPG Horror Stories, Its become a huge part of my life, such as dancing once was. It almost links right into my earliest talents...writing. I love to write, just like I’m doing now. Im fairly decent at the writing game if I must say. Hey, real life failed Bard here, I should make one who always ends up playing big bro, and end up being friendzoned by all his interests. Im short, so Halfling is very true. Am I charismatic? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I feel like this is what I need, a solid weekly game, maybe once every two weeks, hell, once every month would still be great. Something to look forward to the very least, in this life of routine and mundane. Something to look forward to for me, something that’s my own. Something I don’t need my closer friends to be apart of, since they’re not interested anyhow. I’m really talking shit because I’m hella salty, but at least I’m being upfront. Get it all out now, before the typing is done. 

It’s been a productive session, I may have to attribute it to Lofi it seems. The Lofi Hip Hop Radio on YouTube, also found on Spotify. Some tracks still strike me deep in the chest, giving me horrible flash backs and feeling in my chest. Others keep me going, forward, almost propelling. I’m currently training myself to be accustomed to the sounds, because I at first was very scared. That it would just transport me to a dark place and keep me there. I’ve been trying to confront my feelings more with this music, I think I felt better after last session like this. The more I faced myself, the better I became. Yes, I most definitely referenced Persona 4, another amazing and loved title because of the message it portrays. I always wondered what my shadow self would look like, and what they would say. But eh another time, I’m about to start rambling again. I have to conclude here, before I get off topic.

Until next time Tumblr...

[zerochanges]

Valentine’s Chocolates and Glass Masks

The romance genre in anime is a little weird, and honestly on the whole the majority of the genre in anime is probably a bit too slow for its own good. “Will they or won’t they” is something most romantic fiction is guilty of, but I think you’d be hard press to come across 150 episode TV series dedicated solely to that premise anywhere else. And this has nothing on the pure silliness that can come with the genre; hand holding, indirect kisses, masked secret admirers, all that good stuff. Really, I’m not here to trash talk romantic anime though, but as I sat down and tried to think about writing a Valentine's Day blog post I just couldn't help but think to myself how romance anime might be the hardest to explain to anyone not in the fandom. I mean, I think I’d have an easier time explaining the plot of any given saga in DBZ than I would explaining “Notice me, senpai” to somebody.

You know what though, I kind of ironically enjoy all of this. Yeah, pure romance anime can be cheesy, but it’s just the right amount cheese that it’s like, c’mon, how can you not enjoy this? Perhaps the worst (or best!) offender of this are older shoujo titles where they can seem almost downright like a soap opera at times. Shows like these are just so full of bizarre, off-the-walls, and over-the-top melodrama that they manage to suck me completely in. They’re heartbreaking, they’re engaging, and the times when they fail at being those things they are hilarious. 

My most recent experience with an older shoujo title like this would have to be studio Eiken’s 1984 adaptation of Glass Mask. Now Glass Mask (or Glass no Kamen as it is known by some) is a manga that started life in 1976 and to this day has yet to be finished, with the manga creator Suzue Miuchi stating she would like to finish it soon, but hasn't quite figured out when that will be (move over Hunter x Hunter fans). Having been one of the earlier shoujo titles starting back in the mid-70’s the series is full to the brim with pretty much every cliche and trope you can think of for shoujo anime, and to a modern audience it can often be almost hilarious at times to sit through. It is important to remember that for its time Glass Mask was a trend-setter and arguably if not the creator than certainly the reason why a lot of these cliches became cliches in the first place. Over the years Glass Mask has received its fair share of adaptations and even parodies, and currently has 3 different animes as well as a live action drama series and real life stage plays based on it. I heard the most recent anime, the 2005 TMS adaptation of Glass Mask, does a pretty great job at modernizing several aspects of the series, but unfortunately I have yet to watch that to weigh in so all I can say is that I was inundated with more cliches than I could count and laughed a ton while watching the 1984 series and I loved every minute of it. 

Glass Mask is the story of a young 13 year old girl Maya Kitajima, who has a dream to be a great theatre actress. Unfortunately for Maya she’s from a very poor family, and even more unfortunately for her, she is incredibly average looking with no flair--and don’t worry, the anime will remind you of that fact countless times every episode. Despite her damnable curse of “just looking kind of average” Maya will stop at nothing to pursue her dream and eventually runs away from home after getting a scholarship for an acting school. There, the enigmatic Chigusa Tsukikage notices Maya’s talents and takes her on as her protege. Soon, Maya learns that her mentor Tsukikage was once a legendary actress thought to be truly one of the all time greats who due to a tragic Phantom of the Opera style accident had her face hideously scarred and retreated out of the spotlight. 

Tsukikage is looking to pass on her talents to the future generation and eventually pass on her greatest possession, the rights to the elusive Crimson Goddess play--a supposed legendary masterpiece that has not been seen by anyone in decades; not since Tsukikage’s career ruining accident. For some reason the director and creator of the the Crimson Goddess play saw it fit to beseech all the rights to his masterpiece to Tsukikage and thus nobody else has been able to produce this elusive phantom play since. It won’t be easy for Maya and the Tsukikage acting school, as media conglomerate and mega corporation Daito Entertainment will stop at nothing to get the rights to the Crimson Goddess, and isn't afraid to sabotage them at every step of the way. Perhaps Maya’s greatest rival however is the young Ayumi Himekawa, the daughter of an already famous actress who is said to be the favorite to inherit the Crimson Goddess role, and is everything Maya isn't; beautiful, rich, famous and well loved by all, and while not a student of Tsukikage she is more than willing to pass on the rights to Himekawa if Maya fails to prove herself.

It’s easy to already see the cheesiness just from me trying my best to summarize the basic plot, and we haven’t even gotten into the romances yet. Maya’s relationship with the young Yu Sakurakoji is fairly simple at first, as he helped rescue her from a feral dog and despite being in rival acting schools--one affiliated under Daito no less, he’s a pretty chill guy that enjoys spending time with her and doesn't care about all that stuff. It’s only after Maya starts to take off in her career that Sakurakoji starts to spiral into this insane inferiority complex centered around her, where he thinks she has become too good an actress for him to be around anymore and starts to give her the cold shoulder all because of his own make-believe shortcomings. It’s very odd and sudden, and the entire thing is blown out of proportions as Maya clearly does not think that and Sakurakoji eventually has to be lectured by bad boy Masumi of all people to come around and start spending time with Maya again. Even after this however it isn't like the old days anymore and the gap that was created from his own complex still lingers.

And oh boy, don’t get me started on Masumi, he’s quite the character. Masumi Hayami is the 24 year old son of the president of Daito Entertainment and is currently running the corporation in his father’s stead. Masumi serves as both an antagonist and love interest (because of course he can be both) in the early parts of the story and is often behind some (but not all) the sabotage done to Tsukikage’s acting school. Masumi will eventually take a more reasonable approach when it comes to trying to yank the rights of the Crimson Goddess away from Tsukikage’s hands as the anime progresses, often just by having his acting school beating Tsukikage’s students in contest and the like, and it’s here where we usually see Masumi’s employees that work under him being the more underhanded characters instead of Masumi directly engaging in the conflict.

Despite being on different sides, so to speak, Masumi catches one of Maya’s earliest performances, her role as Beth in Little Women, and falls in love with the young girl, impressed by both her potential as an actress and her fortitude for going on with the show despite suffering from a dangerously high fever and immediately being rushed to the doctors after the curtains fall. From this point on her takes the role of “Mr Purple Rose” named for the bouquet of purple roses he sends to her at every show. As her secret admirer and the first fan Maya has ever had he means a lot to her yet as his true identity of Masumi he’s an enemy that Maya cannot stand to breathe the same air as. So in short, Masumi is just your average 24 year old CEO of a mega corporation crushing on a 13 year old girl from a small acting school he is trying to ruin and also her secret admirer. Somehow Masumi is one of the best characters in the series, and is my best boy. Only in shoujo!

So far I've been having some cheap laughs at the expense of the 1984 Glass Mask anime but it’s not all like this. The over-the-top bombardment of old school shoujo cliches and the laughs I got from them may be one of the most memorable component of my viewing but there’s actually a lot more to this anime than that. When you get beyond the silly age gap romances and the flowery melodrama of young teenage love, Glass Mask is a story of artists trying to pursue their passions and dedicating their everything to them. Maya may be cursed to forever be “only average looking” but I really respect her drive to dedicate her entire life to theatre. 

Well, that is to say, the times when she isn't acting like punching bag to the rest of the cast (Glass Mask has a tendency to make Maya into a Cinderella surrounded by tons of wicked stepsisters). When Maya is written not as a Cinderella she’s fiercely determined, and never backs down despite some straight-up abusive behavior she is put through. At times her mentor Tsukikage is absolutely savage, regularly beating Maya and putting her through some training that is definitely highly illegal, at least for today’s standards. For instance she once threw Maya in a shed and locked the door refusing to let her out until she finally understood her character she was assigned. Did I mention it was in the middle of the freezing cold winter and snowing out and Maya only had the clothes on her back for warmth? She was out there for days with no food, water, or even warmth. But don’t worry, she had her script to read and that made it all okay. Like goddamn, somebody call child protective services on this lady.

Speaking about “the art” and everyone’s passions, the more you watch the series the more it becomes obvious that the creator, Suzue Miuchi, really cares for theatre and isn't just using it as a vehicle to propel her own story. There are countless renditions of classic plays shown in Glass Mask, such as the mentioned already Little Women, The Miracle Worker, and Wuthering Heights, just to name a few. Some of these plays are presented without any changes while others may have reinterpretations made to them by the characters who are trying to give their roles a life of their own away from the original source material. Miuchi very much understands theatre and does a great job converting many famous plays into a more compressed and easily digestible form of entertainment that can be viewed on a week by week bases. The analysis characters give about the plays and other characters’ performances, the ways characters interpret their parts, and how the plays that we are privy to see in the series end up all show a deeper understanding of the medium. Watching Glass Mask is almost like taking a beginning course in theatre that covers all the classics, only with way more melodrama and over-the-top romance than you will find in your local theatre group. I hope.

What’s the most impressive however goes beyond just Miuchi’s renditions of other classic works and instead are her own plays that she creates herself. As not only does Glass Mask use pre-existing plays it also has its own original productions that will spring up in-between the real world plays. A lot of these self created plays are very enjoyable too, and some feel way more fleshed out than they have any right to be and you often find yourself regretting that you are only privy to a small part of the performance and not able to just sit there and watch the entire play like the characters in the anime do. Maybe that’s why it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that some of the plays Miuchi has created for her manga have later been adapted into real life plays in Japanese theatres. This is probably the greatest testament to the series’ popularity right there, where its own fictional works are turned real. I can’t think of many examples of something like that happening before.

I’d be remiss not to mention the visual aspect of this series before wrapping up my thoughts on it too. While certainly no powerhouse in animation, Glass Mask 1984 goes for a more picturesque route, and does a great job with tons of beautiful still shots and intricately detailed background images. It’s a humble production but with the right use of lighting a lot of scenes can really shine (pardon the terrible pun it was an accident), especially the night shots which can be pure art. Hang it in a museum, I say. I’m almost surprised we don’t see more “aesthetic” anime blogs mining images from this series. Veteran director Gisaburo Sugii (Dororo, Touch, Osamu Tezuka’s Phoenix) leads the production with skilled marksmanship you would expect from his previous (and future) pedigree, and along with legendary animator the late Shingo Araki (Ashita no Joe, Galaxy Express 999, Saint Seiya) the series has a wonderful 80’s flair to it that just fills any retro anime fan full of nostalgia whether or not they have seen the show before.

Studio Eiken’s 1984 Glass Mask adaptation is a short, briskly paced 22 episode series that is easy on the eyes and not hard at all to still sit through for modern audiences. It’s full of tons of laughs (both ironic and sincere) as well as tons of melodrama and over-the-top romance. Most importantly though, it’s a full of passion; lots and lots of passion. During its short episode count the series watches Maya progress as an actress and grow older, with her finishing middle school and beginning high school while also balancing full time acting jobs on the side. The ending is left open--and let’s face it the manga hasn't even ended some 35 years later still--but there’s enough forward momentum in the series to really feel like your time with the characters wasn't wasted and that they were able to accomplish something--not to mention the ending spot is a pretty decent one leaving the viewer wanting more but enjoying a satisfying conclusion to one of the more interesting story arcs adapted. Overall I think anyone who enjoys cheesy anime romance can sit down with this series and have a fun Valentine’s.

[jesbakescookies]

My Fanfiction Masterlist

From Newest to Oldest: 

 Too Hot To Handle- Jeffrey Dean Morgan X OC 

Aria St. James is a busy woman with a thriving restaurant. She thought she had everything she needed until a few famous faces visit her dining room. A tall, dark and handsome actor decides Aria’s just what he’s been looking for. 

http://jesbakescookies.tumblr.com/tagged/too-hot-to-handle

 Dark Nights- Daryl Dixon X OC 

There was an incessant ache in Lila for more. A desperate need for anything and everything. Nothing quelled it, no matter how hard she tried, Lila was left hollow and raw. AU fic, no zombies (Alcohol/drug abuse, foul lang. promiscuity, self hate/harm) 18 only 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12487528/1/Dark-Nights

Rear Window- Negan X OC 

Negan's life was in a downward spiral until Kayla moved into the apartment across the courtyard. What will he do when he can't look away from the reclusive beauty and the outside world begins to bleed into his walled off sanctuary? 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12366168/1/Rear-Window

 Without Darkness- Negan X OC (COMPLETE - SEQUEL COMING SOON) 

Kayla thought she lost her family years ago but stumbling upon Alexandria she discovered the truth. They weren't lost, they were taken. When a man in black sauntered through the gates with a barbed lady resting on his shoulder, Kayla jumped at the chance to escape her past to an unknown future. Negan/OC 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12233027/1/Without-Darkness

 If You Want Trouble- Merle Dixon X OC (COMPLETE) 

On any given day Merle could find trouble. Whether it was booze, blow or broads, if he wanted it, he could find it. Trouble came easy for most Dixons but Merle was a professional hellion. AU One shot featuring Sam and Merle from Sweet Hereafter, not required reading to enjoy. Smut, foul lang, drug use.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11949577/1/If-You-Want-Trouble

 Saving Valentine- Daryl Dixon X OC (COMPLETE) 

She fought and killed to survive but she lived for revenge. Valentine waits for the right moment to kill the man who murdered her family. Can she do what needs to be done to escape the Sanctuary that is her prison? Can she accept the helping hand from strangers to do it? Can she live with all she lost?TWD world, non canon timeline. Daryl/OC Lang/gore/Smut/Negan violence/slooow burn 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11594271/1/Saving-Valentine

 Sweet Hereafter- Merle Dixon X OC 

Shaking his head Merle scoffed at the strange situation. He just threw away a cushy life in a secure town where he had three squares, a bed to sleep in and a few girls he liked to f**k. Now? Now he was out in the wild with a short little girl who probably didn't know her ass from her elbow even if she did claim to be able to take care of herself. Merle/OC Gore, Lang, Smut. 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11278084/1/Sweet-Hereafter

 Cupcakes and Cigarettes- Daryl Dixon X OC (COMPLETE) 

Jameson O'Connell had been tending bar at the Dale's for years.One night the Dixons come in. She knew the evening was going to either be interesting or disastrous. Daryl/OC story AU,no zombies adult situations, foul lang., eventual smut. Same character as my story "Backroads" but a stand alone fic

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11148131/1/Cupcakes-and-Cigarettes

Backroads- Daryl Dixon X OC (COMPLETE) 

She's been on her own for the better part of a year. She survives because she avoids people. Theyre the real danger nowadays, not the rotting dead. So when she sees the guy hanging in a tree surrounded by walkers she should move on. Survival of the Fittest and all that shit. Jameson O'Connell breaks her rules & joins the gang in Alexandria 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11109625/1/Backroads

Ride With Me- Daryl Dixon X OC (COMPLETE) 

Jameson sighed and said, "Truthfully Merle. I don' like senior citizens, I go for younger…more virile men if you know what I mean." Calmly drinking her beer. Daryl's eyes shot up suppressing a laugh. Merle's eyes blazed for a moment then he drawled,"That so?" then he laughed loudly and said, "Well baby brother ya got a little spitfire here." One Shot AU Daryl/OC

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11187362/1/Ride-With-Me

[xumxnghao]

all pf them

under a read more it goes

we are bulletproof: if you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?

spiderman! walking on walls seems cool

no more dream: if you woke up tomorrow to be incredibly famous, how would you react?

“yeah this is how it’s meant to be” (do I 100% expect to be famous in the future? yes)

i like it: if you could reverse any moment in your life, what would that moment be?

throwback to middle school when my best friend confessed to me and I told her I’d date her if i were a boy

n.o: biggest pet peeve?

i don’t really have any big pet peeves but I hate the sound of nails draggin on the weird ceiling material in cars

we on: how do you deal with people who don’t like you?

avoid them like the plague bc i have Anxiety

if i ruled the world: what would you do if you found out that you were an heir to a wealthy kingdom?

possibly have a panic attack but like money

coffee: what’s your coffee order?

green tea frappe with a shot of espresso bc i’m living that college student life of no sleep and only caffeine

cypher pt. 1: if you had to be part of a kpop group, what position would you want to be (i.e. leader, visual, lead vocal, dancer, rapper, maknae, etc.)

i’d WANT to be dancer, but realistically id probably be a singer

rise of bangtan: when and how did you get into the king and legends, also known as bangtan sonyeondan?

uh i remember i listened to fire a while ago and it wasn’t exactly my style and i thought bts was kind of overhyped so i didn’t really listen to them much until like a month are blood sweat and tears came out and i finally decided to watch and mv bank with them and i thought they were funny and it was really just a downward spiral from there

satoori rap: what does home mean to you?

home has no meaning to me bc it’s always been riddled with fear

boy in luv: when you are interested in someone (romantically, sexually, etc.), does your behavior change?

i mean i flirt more but that’s just cause im a libra :/

just one day: who would you want to spend the last day of your life with?

i think i’d want time alone

tomorrow: goal that you would like to achieve within the next year?

finish learning korean

cypher pt. 2: one thing about yourself you wish people would appreciate more?

there’s nothing to appreciate about me lol

spine breaker: what is your weakness when it comes to spending money?

i love stationary

jump: favorite childhood memory?

once in kindergarten we were painting pots for mother’s day. I was the kind of kid that liked to work ahead so i just started painting, but the pot was upside down so when i turned it over it just said “wow” instead of “mom”

miss right: what is your ideal ‘type’?

kim taehyung, park jimin, or xu minghao

i like it pt. 2: dream date?

I love amusement park dates

danger: have you ever had a near-death experience?

i nearly died of alcohol poisoning once. that’s a story.

war of hormone: most embarrassing moment?

when i was like in 8th grade i thought weed and pot were two different things and I’ve never lived that down

hip hop lover: three songs that are meaningful to you?

Should i just do BTS songs?

Move, Love is Not Over, Hold Me Tight

let me know: are you good at keeping secrets?

i like to think i am

rain: most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

i took a day trip to Houston without telling my dad while my mom was in China

cypher pt. 3: favorite outfit to wear?

i got a new Fila hoodie in japan that’s bomb af and i look great in it plus my white hat with the long tail and my adidas samoas

blanket kick: longest time you’ve spent lying in bed (sleeping or not)?

idk how long i spent in bed but once i had a depressive episode so bad that my phone only marked 19 steps on that day

24/7 = heaven: what are you most looking forward to?

SEVENTEEN CONCERT AND MEETING SEVENTEEN

look here: do you have any hidden talents?

I can hum and beatbox at the same time

second grade: proudest accomplishment?

I finished 12 years of music theory, got put in the TMEA pamphlet and got some money from it too

i need u: are you in love?

i need u girl

hold me tight: does physical contact comfort you?

no

love is not over: ever had your heart broken?

:)

dead leaves: how loyal are you?

very

move: last time you cried?

I nearly cried at the airport leaving Japan because my best friend is staying there for college and I won’t be able to drive a street down to see her anymore, but I don’t cry much so I didn’t actually shed a tear.

I did however shed a single tear because of some gifs of jimin this morning

butterfly: most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

answered

run: do you like traveling? if so, where? what’s your dream vacation?

i love travelling and i actually just experienced my dream vacation in japan. I guess my next one would be korea

ma city: if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

seoul. I want to be an MV producer for idols

baepsae: do you vote and/or keep up with politics?

not especially, but I should bc i used to be a journalist

dope: what did you want to be when you were younger? how does it compare to what you want to be now?

i wanted to be a vet and now i’m going into film so there’s a pretty big gap

fire: are you a spontaneous person?

I’m an istp so yes

save me: your favorite place on earth?

im bad at choosing favorites, i’d like to think that i’m not tied down

young forever: what is one movie from your childhood that you will always treasure?

mulan

boys with fun: you’re going on a roadtrip with seven other people– dead, alive, fictional, real, famous, or not. who are they, and why?

sam, sarah, sara, kim taehyung, park jimin, xu minghao, and mark tuan

converse high: how many pairs of shoes do you own?

jesus wait lemme count

at least 14

whalien 52: weirdest thing that has ever happened to you? alternatively, weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

once after a 4th of july fireworks show my friend and i stopped at a gas station for drinks and this very obviously high dude in the car next to me said to me from his seat “yo dude u okay? u like… saw the paranoia i felt” and i had to reassure him that i was fine and i was going home soon

and i don’t like to think about my dreams bc theyre usually nightmares

house of cards: when was the last time you felt sexy?

like 2 years ago when i took the best selfies of my life

boy meets evil: have you ever committed a crime? if so, what was it? alternatively, what is the worst thing you have ever done?

i mean ive smoked weed

i snorted xanax once but after that night i decided to never do that again

blood, sweat, & tears: kinkiest kink you have?

i…. am not sure yall are ready for this information

begin: who are you most grateful for in your life?

i dont think i have an answer for this

lie: biggest fear?

abandonment. which lead to my fear of commitment and attachment

stigma: would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

cause

first love: do you believe in soulmates?

i’d like to

reflection: if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

don’t go to the counselor

mama: are you good at giving advice?

not even a little bit

awake: if you had to be a flower, which flower would you be?

i’m not sure which I’d actually be but i love peonies

lost: how good are you with directions? do you get lost easily?

i’m pretty god with directions. I don’t usually get lost

cypher pt. 4: what do you do to treat yourself or relax?

i clean the shit out of my face

am i wrong: you wake up one morning in the hospital, knowing only your name and a single memory from your life. what is that memory?

damn well i wish i just lost all my memories

21st century girls: do you prefer texting, calling, or video chatting?

texting

2!3!: your favorite thing about bangtan?

how fucking weird and unapologetic they are

spring day: who do you miss right now?

my bed

not today: what are your procrastinating right now?

i need to pay rent and my class fees but i’m not

wings: on airplanes, do you prefer the window seat, the middle seat, or the aisle seat?

i like aisle seats for long flights and window seats for short flights

you never walk alone: how many people do you trust with your life?

maybe 2 ?

[wewontliveforeversomakeitworthit]

My Story

Hi, my name is Lisa and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is January 3rd 2017 I have a home group, love and service in Rochester NY, i have a sponsor, i have a service position and I am currently working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I shared at the forensics unit at our psych center and nothing came out right and i didn’t actually know how to share my story so I’m going to try to gather my thoughts and share it on here before my next share. I grew up in what would appear to be just a totally normal middle class home in Henrietta NY. I have 4 older sisters and 2 incredibly loving amazing supportive and sometimes absolutely insane parents. While i was growing up I felt exactly how alot of people say that they did too, i felt different, left out and not good enough for anybody. In elementary school I was already a compulsive liar, telling people that i had boyfriends and stupid stuff like that. I turned to food to hide my feelings and to hide myself and that turned into me being bullied for being over weight. And even from that young age i took the things that those people said to me straight to heart and it was gospel and they were right, I was fat, i had awful acne, i was ugly and nobody would ever love me because of my appearance. I decided I wanted to lose that weight when i was going into 8th grade and I lost some of it and was actually pretty normal for the most part at that time. I then thought i was completely in love with a guy in 8th grade who was also my best friend and we hung out over that winter break and i thought something was going to happen, like obviously we were going to be in love and get married but instead he told me that he didn’t want me in that way, turns out hes actually gay now but it sent me on a downward spiral into mental illness that was lurking in the shadows of my life since I could think. I developed anorexia and starved myself every day until i got down to about 100lbs, my family and I went on vacation and being around them i wasn’t able to eat (well not eat) the way that I was. I cried every single night on that vacation because of how utterly disgusted with myself i was. I then came home and developed bulimia because the control of the starving was completely gone. But the night that boy told me he didn’t want me, something else happened. I drank, it was NYE at my sisters house and I was 14 years old, her friends asked me if i wanted a drink and god did i want a drink. I wanted to feel the careless joy the people around me were feeling. They made the mistake of showing me where their green tea vodka was and i started drinking and didn’t stop until it was gone. I remember while i was drinking that something inside of me started to change, i wasn’t shy and concerned with what other people were thinking of me anymore, i didn’t care at all about anything. I remember my tongue and my cheeks getting numb and i was on cloud nine.  After that night i was too preoccupied with my ED to give a fuck about drinking or drugging until bulimia came into play. I started snorting adderall so that i wouldnt eat and that went on through ninth grade until i went to program for my eating disorder and those people saved me from dying from that disease. But after i got out of that program, life got real. I had about a year of decent normalcy but at the beginning of my junior year things started to progress. I started to not give a shit about school at all, i started skipping classes and going to parties on weekends and drinking whenever it was an option for me. I started dating guys who were really just not good people and i had only one friend. We went out when we could but it never dawned on me that I was drinking any differently than any of the other kids i was around because really I wasn’t but the way it was affecting me and the way i was thinking about it was COMPLETELY different from those kids. They would stop drinking so they could drive home or they literally had DD’s but to be honest i dont remember much about those couple of years. I graduated highschool early because i hated literally everyone and i was convinced that they all hated me and judged me because most of the time they did. In my senior year i started using the tinder app and i would go over to random guys houses and meet them and every time that happened id get to drink, in my bio it even said “alcohol enthusiast”. boy was i wrong. I thought it was normal to do what i was doing, i really didnt think twice about it. Meeting these guys and being able to get black out drunk and then maybe sleep with them just seemed like a normal thing to do. Until my parents started asking questions about where i was going and why there were alcohol containers in my car and i would lie and say they were someone elses but theyre not stupid they knew they were mine. Things slowed down a little while i was in my first couple semesters of nursing school, i still drank but just on weekends with my boyfriend at the time and his roommates, and i thought i was drinking normally but i guess blacking out and starting fights on purpose because of your drinking isn’t neccesarily normal. I wouldn’t walk around the park ave area with him at night time unless he wanted to drink and that became a norm for me. I needed a drink if i was going to do anything at all, go to the movies? drink. hang out with literally anyone? drink. watching some tv? drink. While my boyfriend at the time went on vacation for christmas i decided to go to a party because if i saw anything about anyone drinking on social media i was on top of it, i made sure i had a way to get drunk whenever and i went to that party and i did cocaine for the second time in my life. the first time i really dont remember much but it was before i had met Kenny. So he went away and I went to a harmless party and kept my drinks near me like they were my children. I heard they were doing shots downstairs and i went down there and took probably 7 tequila shots in a row and blacked out, i came too when i started doing lines and by the time it was 7am i was calling him asking him to help me. That was a thing of mine, was to get drunk one place and then message or text as many people as possible to help me because i needed to go somewhere else or do something else because i didn’t want the fun to end. I kept on drinking the way i was drinking but because of how sick and awful i had felt i didn’t touch drugs again for a little while but i did wind up finding them again. but then all of a sudden over the summer of last year, shit hit the fan. I was drinking every single night and one night i went and hungout with a guy i had met probably on tinder and he said he needed to stop by a friends house for a birthday gift and i was like oh yeah ok cool, turns out his friend was the supplier for the whole town he lived in and she offered me some and i actually said no. i scolded him for his awful decision making and we went to Durand beach to get drunk and by the end of that night i had at some point asked if i could have some of his drugs so that i could safely drive home and obviously he said yes and then life went crazy. i went back to durand with that same person but met a whole bunch of other people and some how met a small group of people another time on that night and i wish i had clearer details but i was really a black out drinker and i wouldnt come to unless i had something else in my system. So we met this other smaller group of people and my life changed. some how i started attracting people who had what i thought i needed and wanted and id switch back and forth between these peoples houses getting free drinks and drugs and staying up for days at a time and not coming home and moving from job to job trying to keep my head above water. I wouldn’t stop thinking about being able to get the next drink or drug. Id go to morning classes after not sleeping in two days and be completely strung out or just not go at all. I got to a point where i couldnt drink without putting a drug in my system and i tried. I tried to stop myself from getting too drunk by switching drinks or not having as many and i was convinced i didn’t have a problem because i didn’t drink during the day so i clearly wasn’t an alcoholic. I would try to drink around people who didn’t approve of me doing drugs and i still somehow managed to go from house to house to house getting drinks and drugs until there was nothing left. One night i was at a house with all of these people i had been drinking and drugging with who i thought i really was just living the life with and i went upstairs and had a panic attack. I wanted to go home because something in me created a feeling that told me i no longer belonged there. So after 3 days of not being home and countless cries for help to my therapist and other people i called my parents at 4am and told them i was coming home and sobbing i told them i needed to talk to them. That night i told them about what i had been doing and got myself an intake appointment for outpatient. And i still at that point thought i probably only had a drug problem and that it wasn’t the drinking. i really didnt think it was the drinking. But once i started outpatient, i couldnt for life of me stay sober but i wanted it i really did. and when i tell you that night i went home that i was desperate for help i mean i wanted to die. i spent so many days of coming down just praying for god to take my life because truly i couldn’t live it anymore. Times id come home so sick and dehydrated my mom would have to run IV’s through me and id lay on that bathroom floor wishing it would all just end. I had known about AA but it was introduced to me through a girl in my outpatient and she told me she was going to a meeting and i told her i wanted to go. I had just relapsed for what would be the last time and i wanted to be sober more than anything and i couldn’t handle the constant relapses. My first AA meeting was wits end when it was upstairs at Rosedale and i was not buying any of it. I was convinced that all those young people car pooling were getting drunk directly after the meeting and that they were all just liars and fakes. I was texting someone ABOUT getting drunk at that meeting but luckily nobody would comply because on that Sunday i went to a womens meeting in fairport and i felt so engulfed with love and acceptance it was incredible. These women gave me a coin and hugged me and even though they talked about god they were something i hadnt experienced in a long time and that was happy without needing a drink or a drug to do it. I was handed that 24 hour coin and I decided maybe I’d do a couple more of these meeting things but i wouldn’t get involved like they were. My friend and i started going to a 5:30 meeting that was mostly old people or people off the street who were drunk but i stuck around for long enough to meet Pat and he was the FIRST person i heard share within my 2 months of meetings that i could actually relate to and for the first time i went up and talked to someone after they spoke and i told him how much i related and he told me to go to his home group Love and Service and that he wanted to introduce me to someone and that someone turned out to be my sponsor. I had no idea what i was doing and i knew that if i didn’t start to actually do something other than meetings that i was going to drink again and i didn’t want that for myself anymore. So my sponsor and i didnt even discuss her sponsoring me it just happened and she told me to get phone numbers and find a home group and a service position and it took me a couple weeks but i did it. meanwhile, my friend who introduced me to AA asked me if i was calling my sponsor every day and i was like uhhhh what do you mean call her everyday?????? and my friends like yeah duh thats like an unspoken aa rule and i called my sponsor right after that i was like OMG IM SO SORRY I DIDNT KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU EVERY DAY. Mostly i just didn’t have any idea how the hell to communicate with people anymore without being drunk. My social awkwardness was at level 100 and im still working on that lol. but we met up and she started to pray and she said “hey god” in the beginning of the prayer like he was just a friend and i was like oh good i got a crazy one idk how well this is gunna workout. but she started taking me through the book and something else changed, i started to grow. this is the longest ive ever done literally anything in my life and it has changed my life drastically already even just at almost 6 months sober. Today I have a full time job that i actually go to every day, today I’m able to be a daughter, a sister, a friend. Today I am learning who i am and how to deal with life on lifes terms and im becoming patient and im just in this constant growth and its absolutely amazing. I’ve found a higher power that i dont understand at all but I know its there and im able to learn things about myself every day and get called out when i’m wrong and just begin to actually live and its amazing. I’m still a work in progress but I am so beyond grateful to be here. Thank you

[canaryatlaw]

alright, let’s get going here. the last 24 hours or so have been fairly odd, at least the first 12, because after I logged off last night and tried to fall asleep I found myself unable to do so. Usually when something like this happens it’s because I forgot to take some of the meds I need to fall asleep, but I knew I had taken them because I had specifically checked to make sure I had them before taking them that night. so I really don’t know what that was about, but I ended up being up to at least 5 am, that was the last time I checked the clock anyway. I did go on my phone at some points at ended up in a pinterest spiral of looking at different candy recipes, so I now have like 6 different types of candies I want to make right now (like, twix, homemade jolly ranchers, and homemade pop rocks to name a few) so that was slightly good at least. eventually I did fall asleep, and woke up to my 1:30 pm alarm. My original plan for today was to get up at 11 and go vote in the Chicago Mayor’s election today before I had the webinar from the Time’s Up Legal Defense Fund at 2. Since it took me forever to go to sleep I decided to switch it up and vote afterwards, so I woke up in time to get set up for the webinar. It was pretty interesting, about the intersection of disabilities and sexual harassment law, definitely a lot to learn there, this was part 1 so part 2 will be next week. I was also looking at recipes while it was going on (because I like to multitask) and made a short grocery list for the candy recipes. So when the webinar was over at 3:30 I got changed into actual clothes and ran out to go vote. Luckily for me my voting location is literally just across the street from me, and at this time of day it was virtually abandoned, like two other voters in there, so it took me very little time to get set up and into voting. There was a total of 14 candidates running for Mayor (none of which are actually aligned with political parties, they’re all just running on their own platform) which is a tad insane, and there’s been smear ads running on tv for months now about it, along with incessant text messages from different campaigns that are annoying AF. but my decision was based on the fact that there was precisely one candidate who had mentioned juvenile justice reform in any of the ads I saw from anyone, so I voted for her (the fact that she was a WOC and not a white man was also a big plus). So I got out of there in less than 10 minutes total, and walked down the street to the grocery store to get eggs and some random ingredients I needed. They didn’t end up having everything I wanted (I mean, to be fair your typical grocery store probably isn't going to carry non-fat dry milk powder, but I tried) but I got gelatin and heavy cream (for the caramel) and some extra fine sugar (which is not the same thing as powdered sugar) and a few other random things. They only had the jumbo pack of gelatin left that came with 32 packets and was a whopping $15, but given that they didn’t have several other things I wanted I just said fuck it and got it anyway. I’m sure I’ll put it to good use. Checked out and headed home, when I walked in the door kitty was trying to examine the door crack (like where the hinges are) that comes open when the door opens, and when I went to close it I heard a very pained screech, at which point I saw that she’d managed to get one of her paws stuck in the crack, so I had to reopen the door to let her get it out, then of course she darted away and was freaking out and I was just like !!! baby!!! Just let me make sure you’re okay!!! so I chased her down after a few minutes and picked her up, thankfully there was no visible injury on her paws so that was comforting at least. Like ya really gotta scare me like that kitty??? smh. Anyway. I put the groceries away and then started to get set up for the podcast episode we were going to record tonight after having to postpone it from last night. so we did that, I won’t spoil anything but it’s about 30 minutes long and we talk about the casting news as well as some of Batwoman’s appearances in the comics, and overall I think it went pretty well, so I’m pleased that should be coming out soon. After we finished with that I turned on the tv and went to amazon prime where I decided to start their new show “Lorena” that all the true crime groups I’m in on fb have been raving about for weeks now. In case you’re not familiar, it follows the story of Lorena Bobbit, who made international headlines after cutting her husband’s penis off (and not gonna lie, I was a bit of a giggling mess throughout the first episode). But it gets a lot more into how much she was abused and raped by him and just how much of a disgusting shitty person he was, so it’s really interesting. Just before 8 I switched over to actual cable to watch The Gifted season finale. I wasn’t sure how they were going to wrap everything up in one episode, but they actually did a fairly good job with it I’d say. Major spoilers ahead, **YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED** Reed :( god that was so heartbreaking, I was dead. But it was such a self-sacrificial thing he did for the safety of his family and the world at large by taking down Reeva. On the other hand, I was very glad to see Clarice return and not be dead, because I very much like her as a character and was saddened at her apparent death. And yeah, it was a really solid episode that I liked a lot, I like cried at the end when they showed Lorna and Marcos with their baby, like all the tears honestly lol. So I liked that a lot. After that was over I kept the news on because they were talking about the election results coming in. So the deal was in order to win, a candidate had to get more than 50% of the vote, and if nobody got that high, the top two would be in a run-off election at the beginning of April. Now, with 14 candidates, the chances anyone was gonna reach 50% were pretty damn slim. I was happy to see though that the candidate I voted for was in second place and ultimately remained there and got a spot in the run-off election with like 15% of the vote, and the candidate in the lead with 17% of the vote was also a WOC who also happens to be an out lesbian, so that’s pretty awesome. I’ll have to do more thorough research on both of them before the run-off election. So basically I kept that on for the rest of the night and followed it until I decided to get ready for bed, then procrastinated, and now I am here. Amazingly (probably only because I took my meds) I am getting sleepy now, so I’m going to at least attempt to fall asleep, hopefully I’ll have (much) more success than last night, wish me luck. Goodnight dears. Hope you’re having a great week.