#this album always brings me to tears.. you can feel every ounce of emotion in the music.. it leaves my heart pounding and me breathless...

[everafterkeiji]

Song: Easy to Forget Me by Cimorelli

Pairings: Tobio Kageyama x fem! reader

Word count: 2.8k

Summary: When the king's queen was out of his grasp before he can realize

Warning/Genre: angst, toxic friendship, anxiety attack

Symbols: Italics=flashbacks

A/N: um- im very much hurt

Kageyama pants as he runs, pushing his limit with his eyes scanning the street ahead of him. His chest heavily coming up and down with sweat dripping down his skin. Mind empty but theres a certain feeling in his chest that was urging him to come back to a certain period in his life or a certain someone.

As he passes by a certain store, he suddenly stops. The feeling of his legs as if it they were holding him back, restraining his every move along with a voice lingering in his head like a broken record.

"She wasn't there."

Like a rock thrown to glass, his heart shatters, the sharpness of it scattering around his body making him weak to his knees as he stares at the shop that brought back memories he should've cherished. Maybe he should've gone with you when you asked him, maybe he should've took interest in your stories that had you smiling for days.

Maybe he should've chosen to remember.

"Tobio! Please don't push me away." Y/N begs, as Tobio disregards your words as he locks the door, slamming it in front of you. It was right after the match of Kitagawa, where his teammates claimed him the King, leaving him stranded.

"Please.. I'm here. I'll stay with you, I promise." Y/N says, head leaned on the door as she desperately tries to talk to the boy who've built such high walls a person like her can never reach. Kageyama can hear her pleas through the door but only one scene was repeating in his head-the moment the ball dropped, not even a soul was willing to save it for him.

"Kageyama.." she whispers sliding down with tears in her innocent eyes, scared for the condition of the boy, even more scared of what was bound to happen to their closeness.

The door creaks open slightly, and she was off her feet wiping away her tears as she turns around to see the broken boy clutching his shirt. He collapses into her arms and she gladly takes him, both sat on the ground with her hands running through his dark locks. Tears in each of their eyes, Y/N holding onto him while he questions himself. All the words that slipped through her mouth was nothing but sweet whispers and promises, reassuring him that he was no king.

Just a prince surrounded in a kingdom he didn't deserve.

-

"T-thank you for yesterday. You're the only one I can..count on." He says through the phone and you immediately smile at his words, surprised he believed in your promise. You let your hand rest on top of your heart, gripping on your shirt feeling that your heart was too big to fit into your body with how your emotions were overwhelming you just because of one boy. You wonder how long it'll take for you to break under him, under the kings command.

"It's nothing, Tobio. I'll be here whenever you need me."

-

"Kageyama! Good morning!" You say as you gladly bring him his usual choice of milk. He nods to you as a sign of thank you, and you smile at him. You walk with him silently, admiring the pleasant air between you two. It was a coincidence you two entered the same school, or was it really just your instinct and you chose it to protect the boy?

"I heard about this new store. Do you wanna come with me? I've seen photos of it everywhere!" She rambles on yet it fell on deaf ears as Kageyama was only delighted about being back on the gym, able to play his passion. When he turned to her, even if she was talking, his slightest care couldn't be given to her. He'd only nod every once in a while to make it seem like he'd understood.

If your heart knew that he didn't care, maybe then you would've realized.

-

We're in the same town

But you're nowhere to be found

"She hasn't been around for days. Do you think she'll make it to our game?" Hinata asks as Tanaka hands him another ball. Tanaka sighs as he looks over to the empty bench. It was funny how they were all concerned yet one boy couldn't care less. The second year looks over to Kageyama who spiked the ball perfectly, seeing him cheer at his success.

"Worry less about Y/N, she probably has her own problems. We all know that she could never miss our game, especially when Kageyama is playing." Daichi says, looking over to the younger boy. Daichi can feel how cold the atmosphere was with just a glance. He tries not to interfere with whatever happened between you two but after the match no one saw you again. Yet he sees Kageyama, perfectly back in his mindset and not an ounce of suspense as to why you weren't present.

"Plus we missed her birthday! Can't we buy some gifts for her? She doesn't really seem okay to me." Sugawara say and Nishinoya jumps at the idea agreeing completely.

"Seems like he shouldn't be invited." Tsukishima says, pointing at their other setter. Hinata sighs beside him, before shaking his head, in denial of the tension.

"Let's just go after practice!"

-

He walks inside the record store, seeing a variety of albums and vinyls. He lets his slim fingers run over the texture of each album, wondering which drew his attention. The atmosphere of the store was enough to leave a weight on his shoulders.

It's you, isn't it?

He eyes a poster on his left, enjoying how the colors were spotlighted by the sunlight that was peeking through the window. All the soft hues, having a dark gradient at the bottom he couldn't help but feel how familiar everything was. He carefully listens to the song that was playing, concentrating on every lyric as if he was trying to find a connection.

This is her world.

He watches how everyone in the store was occupied in conversations. Conversing about their interests, debating about different eras, even singing in different aisles. He can only feel sympathy, alone in her world he didn't bother to acknowledge. He should know by now what music you like, what album you first bought, which band poster was hung on your wall, but when he tried he could only hear murmurs and whispers.

I wish I listened.

-

Do you ever miss me?

You wonder as you sat in your room, knees to your chest in the far corner, listening to the song playing in your earphones. You stood up, walking to your window and opening it, greeted by the cold air. You let you hands dangle from the window while your eyes landing on the night sky creeping a smile on your face at how comforting it was.

The moon stares down on you, feeling helpless for the girl who thought numbness was the right choice. She couldn't even mask the way her world was slowly loosing color. To her, music would always paint her skies with color. All she can do now is envision the colors but in reality they were all desaturating with every passing day. There's pretty smile set on her lips yet feels like a tug of force knowing it was hard to act civil when her heart lost the battle.

-

"This place is so cool!" Hinata exclaims, eyes sparkling at the sight of the vivid posters and overall aesthetic and aura of the store. Nishinoya joins him on the excitement. Daichi turn to Kageyama who looked like a lost puppy, eyes wandering everywhere. Sugawara taps Daichis shoulder quite cutely holding up a vinyl in his hands.

"This looks like something she'd like!" He says with a smile and Nishinoya joins the conversation, holding out his own album waving it in the air claiming it was more her type. Asahi laughs at the two while he continues to view the albums that were in front of him.

Kageyama glances at his seniors along with the second years. He sees the genuine care they have for her but why is that he feels empty? Like he was numb to any feeling. He did miss her birthday, not even bothering to greet her, focusing on doing better for the next matches.

Hinata notices the dismay from the boy but his lips form a thin line, knowing exactly why Kageyamas clueless. He wonders about the feeling of neglecting a person that's been by your side for years. Kageyama seemed like he was a pro for such things. He always took notice of how Y/N would look whenever he's decline her offers, the way she walks to class disheartened but when she sees the setter, she instantly lights up at the sight.

Seeing her cry that day was enough for him to keep a distance.

How can he even comfort her? The moment she turned her back to Kageyama, she had a hopeless smile on her lips, tears continuously rolling down her puffy cheeks. He could see the way she collapsed that way. How the queen finally let go of her duties from the king.

-

Kageyama laid on his bed with earphones in, hands to his chest focused on the melodies. It was ironic how he wanted to badly catch up on what he's lost. He was badly trying to find the trail back to you but he was unfortunate. It seemed like he was the one that changed everyone's destination.

The moment she stepped in the gym, so bewildered at the different personalities they had. Hinata was the first one to approach her, asking her questions about their "friendship." The following months went by and Hinata found comfort in her and so did the rest of the team, favoring her for her endless support, always hearing her cheers at each game. After every match, she'd always encourage the others, being the brightest sun to cast upon the team who was discouraged.

Yet he found this unnecessary?

He bites his lip at his old thought. He hated himself for thinking how useless of a habit that was for you. He believed that Daichi was enough to lift up the spirits of his teammates so the team really didn't need you. It's opposite for the others though. They truly appreciated each of your compliments, each pat on the shoulder or head. Even if you wanted to do the same for him, he'd always walk away before you could even reach him. Hinata and Yamaguchi would always try to make you forget how harsh the boy was.

He lets his eyes close for a while. For a second, he was at peace but then words started resurfacing.

"How could you just walk away?"

He tries to ignore the tone of her voice, trying to drown it out by increasing the volume, but his heart was panicking at the memory. Even if he tightly shuts his eyes, all he can imagine was the sight of the last time he saw her. He wanted to sit up, to avoid the anxiousness that was crawling under his skin, but his back remained on the bed, struggling to escape the encounter.

"Is it that easy to forget me?"

Y/N.

(TW! Anxiety attack. Do not proceed if this makes you uncomfortable)

He calls out to her like a whisper, clutching his pillow as he stares wide eyed at the ceiling. He feels the room swirl around him, the walls caving on him as every insult and memory came to him. He sits up and desperately tries to walk but he collapses on the floor, hands quickly reaching the hem of his shirt bringing it over his shoulders. Panting incredibly with his sweat covering his forehead as he tried to calm himself down but each second he was reminded of a moment in his life he could never change.

"Hey..Kageyama it's okay." Y/N tries to reach for his shoulder but he harshly grabs a hold of her hand, gripping it tightly in his as he stares her down with his dark eyes, locking on her terrified ones.

"We fucking lost! To Aoba! To Oikawa! How can you act like this when we lost?!" Kageyama shouts at her and she winces at the volume but she lets her other hand rest on top of his, trying to make sure her eye contact reminded him that everything was going to be okay.

"Tobio- Karasuno will come back and win again.. You have to trust that everything isn't set in stone. Failure-"

"FAILURE? I don't have any fucking time for more failures Y/N! You simply don't know what that feels cause all you've been doing is tagging along and being useless." He spat and you felt your smile crumble at his words. He removes your hands from his as he frustratedly runs his hands to his hair, feeling as if pins went through his hands, blaming it for their loss.

"Kageyama..you don't m-mean that. Stop. I know you're angry-"

"I'm disappointed Y/N for fucks sake! I could've done better! We could've won if I didn't slip up. Stop acting like you can fucking solve everything and leave!" She takes a step forward to him as he extends out a hand, blocking her from moving any further. The gesture completely draining the life out of her, her heart growing more and more in her chest, the admiration for the boy trying to erase his negativity.

"K-kageyama-"

"Fuck Y/N! Can't I have a day without you talking to me? Or even being around me? I don't need you. The team doesn't need you. No one else does.. so please just leave already."

He stares at her for a while before rushing off, annoyance and pride feeding his heart and mind. She sees him getting more and more distant as she lets her last smile fall on her lips. All the love and joy was erased from her heart, feeling how shallow and dark the atmosphere was inside it. It began to feel like every heartbeat was slowing down as her tears painted her a trail as she walked. The tears continuously flooded her cheeks as every function of her body was weakening with every action.

She feels the tension that there was in the bus, while she was stuck in the corner, silent.

Silent but the Kings poison consumed her.

Happy birthday to me then. She thinks bitterly.

She looks at the scenery beside her, appealing dull. She allows her heart to cry at the sharp pieces that went through it, as if it was like a balloon being popped or like the light from a fire was blown out.

There was a certain part of her that died that day. She wonders if it was her entirely, or just her ability to feel anything apart from the harsh reality. It was the mere feeling of hearing him say the exact opposite of the words you were badly used to. As the person who he counted on even back at Kitagawa, you should've believed it. But every word he threw were all words that should've never been brought to light. You were back to zero to say the least, back at the darkest corner of your mind. Touching in with your negative emotions drowning you with every replay of of his words.

Then she glances at him.

She lets her eyes linger on him for the last time before she sighs, hands forming a ball, nails digging through her skin.

I don't know you anymore.

Kageyama opens his eyes slowly, hands reaching for his phone as he dials a forgotten number. He was panting furiously, desperate to hear the sound of your voice he was late to miss. He dreaded the silence the surrounded him, he wished the silence would be killed by your voice, assuring him that all was forgiven and you were ready to come back to him so he can apologize for everything he's done.

On the other end of the line, you sighed sadly. You the see way your phone lit up the dark room, seeing a name you've yet to see in months. You carefully place the phone in your hands, trying to find the feeling in your chest when he was around. The feeling of excitement to see or hear him has vanished yet you wished that you had the ability to feel for him again.

Love has faded, no evidence, not even a trace.

So you put the phone down, done waiting to be found.

Kageyama hears the way the sound of the phone stopped, seeing his wallpaper flash in front of him. He lets the tears fall from his eyes as he calls out to you one more time, even if you broke your promise, still holding on to it but there wasn't a chance for him anymore.

And the queen left the kingdom, leaving the king to rule by himself.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

One vision recording; Queen x reader

*Author’s note*

Hey all okay so since I’m completing my final semester at college, I thought that since I’ve got some time off until tomorrow I’ll give you guys a special treat. For I have in store and ready to go TWO chapters of the Rock Angel at the ready. I just completed this one today and I’ve had the next one I’ll post up done for awhile. 

Also I want to say that the song I have written for this specific chapter is just how I envisioned the song. I KNOW IT DOESN’T RHYME CAUSE I SUCK AT RHYMING THINGS. So please no hating on the song. And as inspiration for this chapter, for those who do know or may not know the One vision documentary, just have a watch of that and just imagine you reader-chan as being apart of the workings of One Vision. Happy reading my beauties :)

Taglist:

@psychosupernatural

@plethora-of-things

@ixchel-9275

@onebigfangirlworld

@waddles03

@platawnic

@geek-and-proud

@coolcxt

@queendeakyy

@mr-badguymercury

@naturalswifty89

@queens-rose-garden

@starswin

@dj-lowkey

@labessieisallama

@5sos-wdw

@isabella-bby

______________________________________________________

*Sept. 2nd, 1985. Munich, Germany*

Seven months pregnant and here I am in Germany. Now I know most of you are probably thinking ‘Woman why aren’t you at home?’ ‘Didn’t you ask for maternity leave?’ And to answer that, yes I did but I only had a few more songs to record on my newest album ‘Mother Love’.  I wanted to make sure my last album was perfect before my maternity leave in the next 2 months.

Right now my tummy looked like it was going to pop as Jack and I had taken the 9hr train ride from London to Munich since at this point I could no longer fly anymore without causing any harm to the baby.

I was told the Munich studio had better equipment and better sounding for what I was looking for in this album so here I am at the Musicland studios.

Currently I was in the process of recording my next song “Through and through (a Mother’s love is eternal)”.

“Alright Rock Angel, you said you wanted a full run of this song?” asked the sound engineer Mack.

“Yes. I wanna try to get this song done in one go. I’ve gotta meet with the Munich zoo by 6pm to do the filming shots Beck needs for the music video.”

“Alright, this is Rock Angel’s ‘Through and through’ take one. Full run through.” I heard Mike’s voice speak as I placed the headphones over my ears and I heard the vocalization of the soft choir before I heard the piano playing.

I counted the beats and began singing the song.

*First verse*

They say I am the mirror of the

Woman you once were.

But each day that passes, I forget day by day.

The feel of your arms, the smell of your hair,

And the presences of your warmth.

I’ve suffered the loss of you for oh too long.

For growing up,

Without a mother’s love and care.

I fear you’ve gone and left me,

At the moment of your untimely parture.

*Chorus*

A Mother’s love is eternal

Even as time passes by

Torn between life and the light of heaven’s gate

Even through all the grief

I somehow still felt your love.

For a Mother’s love is eternal

Through and through.

*Second verse*

I just wish you were still here by my side.

Cause I don’t know how to be the mother you were to me.

I wish I could hear your voice in my mind,

But all I hear is the sounds of the wind.

How were you when you were in my place?

Was there ever any spark of fear or doubt?

To be the greatest Mother

Your child had ever known.

         The piano took over for the brief break and I counted down in my head the beats till I came in once again.  This time I could feel my hormones acting up once again as this verse was the hardest for me to write.

*2nd Chorus*

Ooo but a Mother’s love is eternal

Even through all the struggles you face.

It’ll drain every ounce within you.

Make you bleed, and scream and cry.

But even through the pain,

The love is worth it in the end

For a Mother’s love is eternal

Through and through.

As the break happened once more with the lute guitar and piano I could feel the tears in my eyes.  Then I just let go as I gave this final verse my all, even allowing some tears to fall down my face by the end.

*Final verse*

Yeah!

A Mother’s love is eternal.

And I vow to do my best

Cause a Mother’s love is eternal

So never forget my child

I may stay, I may go

But no matter what the future brings

A Mother’s love is eternal

Through and through.

Through and through.

This song was very special to me.  Because it not only spoke for my fear and doubt of going into motherhood for the first time, but I also wrote this in honor of my mum who I wish could still be here to help me through raising my first child.

So singing this song was definitely emotional for me and with my pregnancy my hormones were kicked into overdrive as I could even feel tears fall down my face, especially once I got to the final chorus.

Shakily exhaling and wiping away the tearstains from my cheeks.  I looked up to the ceiling almost as if asking for my mum’s strength to just help me get over this.  It was then I heard an applause from the other side of the recording booth.  I looked up and saw my boys all standing there, all of them with tears brimming in their eyes.

“My lovely Rock Angel, you once again have broken my heart with your angelic voice.” Freddie said speaking into the mic. I took the headphones off of my head and walked out of the booth.  I opened the door and the moment they saw me, they were just in awe.

“Oh lovie. I swear every time we see you, it’s like you’re glowing more and more every day.” Roger praised as he came up to me and took my hands in his gently swaying them side to side.

“It’s like you’re brighter than the stars in the sky.” Brian said.

“What I feel like is a balloon about to pop.” I said irritated. They awed at me as Roger leaned his forehead against mine and he said.

“You do not, you’re carrying precious cargo in there. Dominque, Veronica and Chrissie all went through it. Mary’s going through it, and even if you did look like a balloon then you’re the cutest balloon out there.” I grinned mockingly at him and said.

“Thanks for trying dad.” He grinned and pecked my cheek.

“So I heard a little rumor that you all are involved with a movie?”

“Yeah we were asked by the director Russell Mulcahy to do some of the music for film. Originally we were asked to do one song but after viewing what they’ve got so far we had to do more.” Explained Brian.

“What’s the film called again?” I asked and that’s when Deacy answered.

“Highlander.”

“Ahh, well I can’t wait to see what you all have done. And now I leave you guys to record your songs now.”

“Ohh can’t you stay for a while and help us, like the old days (y/n) darling?” Freddie begged.

“I wish I could but I’ve got to get this song over to the Munich zoo so that I can get some footage for the music video for this song.”

“Getting some animal footage?”

“Yeah Bri. And no worries Rog I’m not going near any big cats or bears if that’s what you’re worried about.” I said already looked at the worry in his eyes.

“Care to give us an idea what the music video will be about?” asked Deacy like a kid trying to bride their parent getting a cookie before supper.

“Spoilers Brother mine.” I mocked as I playfully gripped him under the chin.  I then took notice of his new hairstyle, which was much shorter, kinda like how I first met him but slightly different. “You know I kinda miss the fluffy afro look on you.” I teased.

“Haha hilarious sister dear.” He playfully pinched my nose.  I pushed his hand away and continued to tease.

“But I guess there’s only room for one poodle man of Queen.” I looked towards Bri who gave me a playful glare which caused Freddie and Roger to laugh.

“Alright (y/n) it’s ready.” Mack said as he held a tape for me.  I took it from him and thanked him as I gave him a friendly peck on the cheek.

“But if you guys are still here tomorrow I could pop by and see how you all are getting along.”

“We’ll be here at 9am sharp when the studio opens, I could pick you up at your hotel.” Said Roger.

“Perfect, I’ll see you at around 8ish?” he nodded and I saluted the guys goodbye.  As I was just about to walk up the stairs that would lead me back up to the main floor of the studio, I felt someone come up behind me and ask.

“Need a hand?” I smiled softly and said.

“Always to the rescue, ehh papa lion?”

“Just need to make sure our future lioness cub will be okay. Her mum can be reckless sometimes.” I scoffed in playfully offense.

“And you’re not?”

“Well……”

“Uh-uh-uh-uh-uhh yeah that’s what I thought.” I said as the two of us walked up the stairs.  Then I had to address the elephant in the room, “And how do you know it’ll be a girl? Not even Jack and I know what our baby’s gender is.”

“I just have a feeling. Good sense of rhythm. Loves Queen music, especially Radio gaga, to which you said was the first time she had started becoming active. I have a feeling she’ll be just like her mother in every practically perfect way.”

“You’re just not wanting the baby to look like Jack are you?”

“Now that is not true.” I just rolled my eyes at him as we finally reached the top.  “In all seriousness though love, please be careful during the video shooting. Please.” He pressed his hand to my cheek and I nuzzled into his palm as I felt his calloused thumb stroke my cheek.

“Don’t worry Rog. I’ve signed all the agreements and I’ve got the best zookeepers to keep an eye on me while we get some of the interactions. There’s only one animal who will need to be watched over, other than that I’m holding a small ape in my arms most of the time.”

“Okay, just don’t go near any lions alright?”

“Don’t worry Rog, you’re the only lion I go near.” He hummed a chuckle before leaning his forehead against mine.

“You’re an even sassier woman when you’re pregnant did you know that?” I grinned cheekily and kissed his nose and said.

“I’ll see you tomorrow dad.”

“Till then my beautiful mama lioness.” He gave me one final kiss to the forehead before I went to sign myself out of the studio and hailed a cab over to take me to the Munich zoo.

A full afternoon into early evening shooting later, I was back at the hotel room with Jack and he said.

“I think the filming went well.”

“Yeah, that mama elephant really was tender towards me. Guess she knew the both of us were in the same boat together.”

“I can’t wait to see how it all comes together.”

“Me too, now we’ll just need to wait for the National Geographic to get back with some of those other footages I asked for.” I lay down on the bed and Jack lay down beside me.

“Now you said Roger will be here around 8ish?”

“Yeah, do you wanna stay here and see the boys record their new song?”

“As much as I love too I can’t. Someone’s gotta book our flight back to the states from London. When do you think you’ll be done?”

“I don’t know. You know how much of a perfectionist Freddie is. But I’m told they’ve already recorded some of the song and now they’re just trying to get all the clever bits into it.”

“So hopefully it won’t take too long.”

“Here’s hoping.” He flipped the lights off encasing our room into total darkness and I felt him wrap his arm around my lower abdomen almost like he was protecting our baby and I felt him kiss my neck lovingly.

“Goodnight my mama lioness.”

“G’night daddy lion.” And with that the two of us fell asleep together.

The next morning I woke up to see a note from Jack saying that he was already in bound for England. That he had gotten the first train ticket back to get all our stuff back home packed and call the airlines to get a special accommodations for us on our one way trip back to LA.

I got around, ate some breakfast and when I left the main lobby I saw Roger standing beside a cabby.  He waved to me and I waved back and he allowed me in first before he climbed in and told the driver to head for the studio.  

Once we got there it was time to go straight to work, just like the old days when I was still an intern with Miami.

As the minutes ticked by, Mack stepped out leaving Rog, Brian, Fred and I to discuss some lyrics for the middle part of their song “One Vision”.

“Well I mean ‘one goddamn something decision’ is good, I like that.” Suggested Roger.

“No, no well—” Brian began humming the tune trying to put the words to the rhythm of the song and continued, “No it doesn’t work.”

“It won’t fit.” Freddie argued.

“Yes it does.” Roger then sung out the rhythm of how he imagined the words.  Freddie closing his eyes trying to hear what Roger was saying as Brian and Rog continued to mutter the tune.

“What about real decision?” I suggested as I twirled a pencil between my fingers.

“No, no darling it won’t fit. See it goes….” he then began singing the tune and I nodded and said.

“I know. What I’m saying is what if you do, ‘one flesh, one bone one real decision’.” Freddie looked to me and he said.

“I like that.”

“I agree, it fits.”

“Alright fine, can’t argue with her.” I grinned at Roger.  As we continued to debate of lyrics, I talking with Brian and Freddie while Roger was quietly writing.

“And I mean it is awfully nice, but it’s—it’s sorta…..it’s risky.” Freddie warned.

“Well you have been known to take risks haven’t you Fred?” I came back at him.  He ruffled my hair making me chuckle and Brian said.

“So it’s ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-ba-bum.” Brian muttered out as Freddie joined him on the tune.  I looked at Brian’s lyric sheet to see what we’ve got as Roger piped in.

“How about this?”

“I mean it’d be cool if you could somehow mold this entire verse into like—one sentence.”

“Yes darling I completely agree, we need to try and get all these lyrics into one solid formation.” Freddie said as he leaned over between Brian and I.

“Like it’s an actual story.”

“What about that?” Roger suggested.  I took his lyric sheet and read over it as Freddie was going over the tune once again.

“Ohh Freddie, Freddie Freddie-o let’s go with Rog’s verse.” He then came over and spoke out Roger’s lyrics.

“Made one true religion. Yeah that’s good. That’s nice.”

“I think we should also but ‘true vision’ in there somewhere.” Suggested Roger.

“No, no I don’t think that fits. I mean ‘one true religion’ is one thing but ‘one true vision’ is another. And I don’t think it fits.” I said skeptically.

“It fits lovie.”

“Oh yeah sing it then.” I then clapped the rhythm as Roger began muttering the tune before finally softly singing out while looking at me with those baby blue eyes of his.

“One true vision.” At that point all of us laughed.

“Of course it fits like that!” exclaimed Freddie sarcastically.  All of us laughing as Roger continued to brag.  I ran my fingers through his hair as I leaned against his shoulder still laughing.

“I mean you stopped and—he was still looking for the next word.” Brian said through his laughter.

“Darling a complete idiot!” joked Freddie.

“Oh my god Rog you’re unbelievable.” I sighed as I tried to calm myself down.

“Ahh but you love me for it.” He teased as he leaned his head against my shoulder and I pressed my head on top of his.

The day continued to go on and now the boys were starting to record some more of the song.  I sat with Mack behind the sound mixer as all four of my boys proceeded to record the new bits or just improve some lyrics.  Of course I lost it as Freddie actually sang ‘one dump, one turd, two tits, John Deacon.’

As Freddie continued to improve the lyrics and pull words out of his arse I couldn’t help but think this song was going nowhere but yet it somehow did work cause Freddie just made it hilarious. Mack placed his head along the console and groaned.

“Is there no end to this?”

“Mack, you don’t know the half of it.” I dragged on as we watched the boys continue to record.

The next day we were now getting in just the bass parts and some of Freddie’s vocals.  I was outside along the consoles sitting next to Mack as Deacy was actually outside holding his bass wearing the headphones as he played his bass for part of the song where the bass could truly shine in the song.

Deacy was playing and bopping his head like a chicken, something I like to call the Deacy-chicken head-bop when his head gets into the rhythm but not his body. Mack leaned into my and whispered in my ear.

“And Fred said it was to be all that?”

“Yeah that’s what he told me.”  He nodded and made sure to note that down.  Once Deacy was done, he tucked one of the earmuffs of the headset and said.

“And then we just add the guitar bit?”

“No it’s….meant to be all that?” Mack responded as he pointed to Deacy’s bass.

“Oh it’s meant to be all that? No guitar vibrato at all?”

“Fred said that by the end of that the bass was gonna take over that part of verse.” I explained as I leaned against the chair and gently swayed it from side to side.  He nodded and that’s when I felt a kick to my stomach and I moaned softly as I stopped swaying and held my stomach.  “You okay?”

“Yeah she just kicked. Guess she still don’t like gentle swaying. Last week when Jack tried to slow dance with me back at the hotel after a stressful day, she wouldn’t stop kicking me. Guess she’s not gonna be much of a slow dancer.” He grinned and said.

“Michael was the same way, as was Joshua. So the baby’s been actively kicking?”

“Oh yeah, mostly when Queen songs are playing, I think they’re ready to meet you guys.”

“Well we can’t wait to see who the future munchkin’s gonna be. And you said you wanted it to be a surprise right?”

“Yeah, after Kelly’s story I’d rather not go through in having to either return or sell all the wrong gender stuff and waste my money buying new stuff when I already need to get the main supplies like food, diapers and all that baby proof stuff.”

“Well you know Veronica and I can donate some of the babyproof stuff to you guys to use.”

“You’d seriously do that?”

“Yeah, we’re gonna hold off having children for a bit. Now that Joshua is walking a bit more we don’t need most of his old baby proofing stuff, he’s not as curious as his brothers are so we’re good to go.”

“Thanks Deacy.”

“You’re welcome (n/n).”

Now it was Freddie’s turn to get behind the booth and do some vocal recording.  He wanted to do the voice split since he had already done the low vocalizations of the ‘whoa, whoa, whoa’s’, he wanted to now do a high range of those.

“Mack, Mr. Beach is on the phone he wants to discuss with you some business matters of the song.” One of the assistants said peeking in through the door.  He groaned because he knew he couldn’t leave since Fred was about to do the recording and he didn’t really trust anyone else to work his consoles.

“You go on ahead Mack, I’ve got this.” I told him.

“You sure you got this?” he asked me wearily.

“Absolutely, who do you think helped them edit ‘Don’t try suicide’.”

“Let her at it Mack dear. Like us, she knows how to work those keys. Work your magic darling and don’t make me sound like shit.”

“No promises Fred.” I teased as I spoke into the mic.  He playfully flipped me off and I told Mack to go on and talk to Miami.  He nodded and then left the booth and headed towards the lounge room to talk with Miami.  “Okay Fred so where do you want to go first?”

“Take me to the second part of the second track my lovely angel.” I pressed a couple buttons and heard Freddie’s voice play through the system and I watched him count the beats by squeezing his fingers into his palms, like he was operating a pump before finally going into the ‘whoa, whoa’s’.  However they both were in the high range so he immediately stopped and he said.  “No, no darling it’s the wrong part, take me back to the first track.”

“Yeah sorry about that.” I rewound the tape and pressed the play and I heard Fred’s voice sing out, ‘One religion. One man, one soul one god religion.’ He then proceeded to record the right now and as I heard both low and high ranges mold together, it sounded better.  When that was done he asked me.

“How was that?”

“Sounds great Fred.” I told him.

“You’re not just saying that because it’s me right?”

“No Mr. Perfectionist.” I drawled out.

“Don’t take that tone with my little missy.” He teased.  I playfully stuck my tongue out at him and fast forwards the tape. “Okay so the next track are we gonna do the second track or the first track?”

“Well according to Mack’s notes he wants to go to the first track.”

“Okay then darling fire away.” I then played the track and watched the master at work once more.

I bopped my head to the rhythm and couldn’t help but admire such talent.  I’ve always admired Freddie’s voice and I just can’t believe how lucky I was to be mentored by the best singer of my generation, I owe him everything and I hope we can continue this partnership till the end of our days.

The ‘One vision’ recording continued for another day till finally at almost 2 o’clock the song was complete.  All the editing and wiring of placing each sound in the right order was done and now Queen had their next hit single in the works.

I was just about to head back to my hotel to rest up since I had been working so hard and waking up so early to help the guys.

“And where do you think you’re going darling?” Freddie asked me.  I looked up to see all four of them looking at me.

“Uhh back to my hotel, why?”

“You’re not staying for the after party?” Fred continued to say.

“Well Fred, I—haven’t really been a party person since the pregnancy. People kept offering me drinks and I couldn’t cause of munchkin here.”

“I’ll ensure you get some water or juice. Please darling everyone whose involved with this song is invited, plus all of our crew on tour. And you’re still counted as apart of Team Queen.” Begged Freddie as he came up and kneeled before my groveling.  I turned to the other three for help but they just looked at me with that ‘might as well indulge him love’ look.

“I don’t know Freddie……” I sighed before he interrupted me.

“Even if it’s for a couple of hours. You don’t have to stay for the whole thing. You’ve helped us a lot with this song and it’d be wrong not to invite you when we know the truth.” I looked at him and cupped the side of his face.

“If you stop with those puppy dog eyes of yours I’ll go.” He cheered and immediately shot up before kissing my cheek and said as he proudly strutted out of the booth.

“Let’s go my darlings!” I shook my head.

“If it’s so hard to say no to that man, I can’t imagine how hard it’ll be to say no to my own kid.”

“You’ll learn love.” Deacy said as he wrapped an arm around me.

“Fred is just on a whole other degree of spoiled. He’s even worse than a toddler if he doesn’t get his way.” Said Brian.  We all then followed him and headed over to Queen’s hotel which surprisingly was just a couple blocks away from my hotel and proceeded with the after party.

There was food, press, drinks and hundreds upon hundreds of people gathered around to celebrate another hit record song made by Queen.  

I was sitting outside near the pool trying to get away from the crowds when I saw Brian come out from the pool.  And god had I not spent as much time around these boys as I have, I wouldn’t have recognized him because now his full on curly hair was all flat along his face from the chlorine.

“Have a nice dip, drip?” I said as I threw him a towel.

“It was refreshing.” He said as he began to dry his hair. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine. Just trying to avoid getting my bump smashed or hit by someone in the crowd in there.”

“I get it. Especially when a few have had one to many drinks, they’d end up falling right over in total disregard to anyone’s safety.”

“Yeah which would cause Rog to turn full papa lion and kill the person who’d bump into me if the fall didn’t.” he chuckled knowing that that statement was true.  I placed a grape into my mouth and chewed on it as I said, “Plus I don’t want press finding me.”

“They’ve been giving you trouble?”

“Well not here here. But—insecurities and all that.” He sighed and said as he came over my pool chair and began to rub my shoulders.

“You remember what I’ve told you about your looks right?”

“Well Bri, some press are kind to me but one magazine sure wasn’t. It was….back in the early stages of my pregnancy. Some sexist arsehole took a photo of me and Jack shopping for groceries and printed out in bold print ‘ROCK ANGEL GAINING WEIGHT!? Young adult artist putting on several pounds as she struts with husband Jack Kline looking like she swallowed a beachball.’ Luckily thanks to Miami and with the release of my pregnancy announced, we sued the bastard and got him fired but—I can’t imagine what the press here would say seeing me now like this.” I felt Brian kiss the top of my head.

“They need to realize that you are creating something that none of those bastards can. You are in the final stage of giving life to a whole new person. That’s something that most press and paparazzi’s can’t do. And if we had heard of this incident months ago, you can be sure the lads and I would’ve found that publicist and gladly gave him a talking to.”

“Oh I know what your ‘talking to’ implies Bri. Especially if Rog is the ringleader.” He leaned his head against mine and said.

“Some men can be bastards, especially to female celebrities and singers. But just know that you’ve got five men who think you are an absolute vision.” I smiled and placed my hand on top of his right hand.

“How come you always know what to say to help me feel better Bri?”

“Could be my cleverness.” I looked up at him with my best Deacy funny look and he just smiled at me softly laughing.

“You are so full of shit you know that spaceman?”

“Sometimes, but at least I got you distracted from your body insecurity, right?”

“That you did.” He stroked down my cheeks much like how you would a dog before he pecked my nose and pressed his forehead against mine.

When party was over by nightfall, I grabbed my bag when Mack came in and he said.

“(Y/n), your husband’s on the phone for you.” I followed behind him and he handed me the phone and I said.

“Hey Jack, how did booking the flight go?”

‘Not good I’m afraid.’

“Why? What’s going on?”

‘Well I explained to the airfare about your pregnancy so they asked me how far you were along. And apparently they can’t fly us back since you’ve entered your third trimester.’

“What!? Why not!?”

‘They said it just poses as a greater risk for the health of the baby.’

“Well what are we gonna do? We can’t go back to the hotel because the press finally got whiff of where we were and almost made me go into premature labor with their constant hounding, Dr. Williams is in LA with all our medical records, and we can’t afford to stay in that small motel room with the baby!”

‘I know baby, we’ll figure it all out. Just calm down okay, you’re stressing again.’ I took a few deep breaths. ‘That’s my girl. Are you and the boys done yet?’

“Yeah. We just finished. We’re gonna head to the train station and get on the next train back to London.”

‘Okay, when you get back we’ll talk about our next plan okay. I promise everything’s gonna be fine.’

“Okay.” I muttered softly.

‘Have safe travels my beauty. I love you.’

“I love you too Jack.” I then hung up the phone and pinched the bridge of my nose as I muttered, “Fucking hell.”

“Everything okay poppet?” I turned to see the boys all looking at me concerned.

“Well if you count being stranded with no other place to go and no doctor knowing of your medical records just 2 months before you go into labor umm….I’d say I’m doing great.” I sighed.

“What are you talking about?” asked Freddie.

“I can’t go back to the states. I’ve gone over to my 3rd trimester and they won’t let me fly back.”

“Now correct me if I’m wrong but did I hear you say that the press almost made you go into premature labor?” questioned Roger. I nodded and said.

“Yeah, I don’t know how they found me but they came out of nowhere and just ambushed me while I was coming home from shopping. I nearly had a panic attack from all the hormones and anxiety of my pregnancy.”

“Those fucking leeches. It’s bad enough they stalk every famous face but to ambush a first time mother, it’s unforgivable.” Freddie sighed angrily.

“I just don’t know what to do guys. We’ve got nowhere to go now.”

“Not true, you can stay with Dominque and I. We can set up one of the spare bedrooms into a nursery, we still got Felix’s old crib that can be refurbished.” Roger said as he came up and took my hands in his. I smiled and said.

“Oh Rog, thank you for the offer but we can’t do that to you and your family.”

“It’s no trouble. No one knows where my house is, and it’ll be nice for Felix to have a little playmate for a while.”

“Actually there is another place you could stay at.” Suggested Brian.  I turned to him and he continued, “I’m still kinda in the works of moving some stuff around but, just recently I bought a house up in Surrey that acts as my home studio. It’s got 2 bedrooms, 2 loos, and plenty of space for a baby. At least until you can fly back to the states with her.”

“Ohh Brian I…..I couldn’t ask that of you.”

“It’s no trouble at all love, really. You need a private place to relax in your final days before your maternity leave, somewhere where the press cant cause you any stress.” I considered it and said.

“You sure it’s no trouble?”

“I wouldn’t have offered it to you if it was.”

“C’mon love what more do you have to lose?” said Roger. I thought about it some more till I finally said.

“Okay. I’ll call Jack and ask him if it’ll be okay with him.”

“Once we get back to London, I’ll take you both up there so you can see the place.” Brian said as he wrapped his arm over my shoulder.

I called Jack shortly after and told him the news and he agreed to come up to see the place with Brian and I.  We then all took a cab up to our hotels to check out before all heading back to the train station.

After arriving back in London early the next morning, we met Jack at the station and he, Brian and I headed on up to Surrey just a few miles outside of London.

Going through Surrey it felt like we had gone out to the country until finally we came upon a grand castle-like house.

“And here we are.” Brian said as he pulled the car up along the gravel driveway and shut the car off.

“Oh wow Bri, this is—amazing.” Praised Jack.

“Thank you Jack.” We all got out of the car and I just stared at this beautiful ‘private kingdom’.  It had a gorgeous front yard. “So will it do?” I heard Brian ask me as he came up to me.

“Oh it’s big enough for an entire classroom. You sure you don’t mind us staying here for a bit?”

“Of course not I don’t mind at all. C’mon let’s get you two inside.” The boys carried in the luggage and the inside looked even bigger than it did outside.

“Oh wow.” I awed.

“Right bedrooms are right down that hall, kitchen’s just down that way and the studios upstairs. And of course garden is just through those backdoors.” I walked towards the back and I was just in awe at the very large and peaceful garden.

There was nothing but greenery as far as the eye could see, trees surrounding the perimeter, and a beautiful fountain at the center.

“Brian this….this is beautiful.”

“Yeah quite romantic when it comes to getting out of the busyness of the city. The perfect place for you and Jack to relax, and a quaint little place for the future little Kline.” He said as he came up and pressed his hand to my stomach as he mentioned my baby.  I nodded and I said.

“You think we’ll do a good job?”

“I believe you will love. You’ve already had practice with the lads and I.” we both laughed and he continued, “I know first time parenting is frightening. Believe me love everyone’s been there. Anyone who says they weren’t afraid is lying. And if you or Jack need any help, never hesitate to call us for advice or to come over and help out.” I nodded and snuggled my head into his chest.

“Thank you Brian, for everything.”

“I’m always here for you love.” He said as he hugged me and kissed the top of my head.  After doing a bit of unpacking, Brian left Jack and I alone and right now the two of us were out in the garden.

“God this place is even more beautiful than our place. Maybe we should move here to London.” Said Jack.

“You sure?”

“I mean with our baby about to come, plus any other future child we have. Sure we may have a big backyard but American homes hardly have the beauty like England does.” I smiled and said to him.

“Kinda have to agree with that, but I didn’t want to say it at the time. Why must you Americans keep expanding your territory?”

“Greedy bastards wanting more malls and homes. They need to see that having a good countryside backyard is just as beautiful, especially if you use it right.”

“Well let’s just see how raising this child goes first, and if we have anymore then we’ll talk about moving back to England. I know the boys would be thrilled to have me back in England again.”

“Especially Roger.” We both chuckled and I said.

“Roger would probably move into the house with us to ensure that I wouldn’t leave England again.” He sat up from his chair and came over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, his hands placed over my baby bump as he kissed my cheek lovingly.

“I can’t wait to meet our baby.”

“Just 2 more months and they’ll be here.”

“But that’s soo long, can’t they come out now?”

“If you want them premature and unhealthy than sure.”

“Noo!” he whined.

“Then you’ll have to wait. But I do have to ask cause I know the guys are gonna press me on this matter.” He looked to me and I looked up at him, “Whose gonna be the Godfather?”

[pennylanefics]

“Why do you hate me?” - Ben Hardy | part 10

a/n: i didn’t plan this part out very much, so i filled it with a few flashbacks. enjoy! :)

“I think you should go see him.”

Gwilym’s words repeated over and over in your head as he still sat in front of you, waiting for you to say something; although, he didn’t want to rush you, he wanted you to take your time.

“S-should I? I don’t even think he cares about me anymore.”

“I’m pretty sure he does, (Y/N). He loves you so much, ever since the first day on set, you were all he could talk about. Well, obviously behind your back because of that whole situation the first month.”

“He said he knew he was going to love me the second he saw me,” you whispered, thinking back to that moment in his trailer. Gwil smiled at your small ounce of happiness, but frowned when he noticed your tears.

“You don’t have to, darling. But, if it’ll help you two get some closure, or even fix things between you guys, you really need to.” You nodded softly and tried to regain your breath.

“He’s honestly an absolute mess. When he invited the guys and I into his apartment when we came to pick him up, his place was awful. Beer bottles everywhere, a few pictures were on the ground, broken. He looked worse. His eyes looked sunken in, they were red and puffy, looked like he had been crying for months. I’m really starting to worry about him. He stays in his room a lot, he told me that to get his anger out, he drums almost every day, and almost all day. He doesn’t look healthy, he seems to have lost some weight, although he still looks pretty buff,” you giggled at the unexpected comment and wiped some tears away. It was no use because more and more fell as Gwilym continued to speak.

“And seeing you today confirmed my suspicions that something happened between the two of you. You look almost as awful. You look like you haven’t slept, your eyes are puffy as well. Not only am I worried for Ben, but I’m worried for you as well, love.” You listened intently to his little speech, taking in everything he was saying.

“Okay,” you whispered. He looked at you, a surprised look taking over his features.

“What?”

“I’ll go and see him. Tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“You don’t have to, but if you want, just to make sure nothing happens.”

“I just don’t want him to lash out on you. He’s been extremely sensitive, as soon as I said something about you, he flipped out and started yelling at me. And then proceeded to kick me out of his apartment.” You chuckled a little and shook your head.

“Strange. It doesn’t seem like he cares about me if he doesn’t want to talk about me.” You stared down at your hands, now contemplating if you should go.

“His expression changed when I brought you up, though. It wasn’t angry, he looked hurt, regretful, and broken. I think he’s finally come to the realization that you two are most likely not going to be together.”

“I feel the same,” you whispered.

“Then go see him. Do it for the both of you. Who knows, you may rekindle your relationship. Or what was to be. This could turn into a happy ending.” You grinned a little and nodded. You always wanted a happy ending with Ben, after all you two have been through. He always promised that you would get your fairytale wedding, and that he would always treat you “like the princess you are”, as he said often.

“I will. Thank you so much, Gwil. I don’t know what I would do without you, seriously,” you told him, leaning into his body to hug him. You poured all of your emotions into the hug, holding him tightly as to say ‘just hold me.’ He caught on and gripped your body tighter, bringing your closer, if that was possible.

“Just tell me what time you plan on going over there. I’ll be there earlier just so I can make sure he’s not in a completely pissy mood, and most likely upset you more.”

“Probably not until late at night. I know I’m going to be drained by the time we’re done talking, and all I’m going to want to do is sleep.” He nodded and rubbed your back as you started to calm down a lot.

Once you felt relaxed, you pulled away from Gwilym and thanked him quietly.

“I’ll leave you to yourself. Are you going to be okay?” You nodded and gave him one last hug goodbye. You exhaled loudly once the door closed, feeling overwhelmed with everything that just happened, and is going to happen tomorrow.

Looking at the time, you hadn’t realized that you and Gwilym spent three hours together. You decided to write for the time being, to try and get everything off your mind for a few before you made some dinner.

You started jotting down your thoughts into your journal, the worn and ratty pages struggling to stay open. Your thoughts turned into a small letter for Ben. Tears dropped onto the blank page as you finally put what you wanted to say to him into words. The note turned out to be a couple pages long, front and back, so technically four. You noticed as you went to rip those pages out; you had to give him this, it is better than anything you could say vocally.

Checking the time once more, you realized it was now five, did it really take you two hours to write that? Seems right. You kept messing up, sometimes writing a whole page then scrapping it. But you were happy with the final copy. Setting the pages together on the coffee table, you slowly got up and made your way to the kitchen, getting ready to make a simple dinner. You chose mac and cheese, and as you waited for the water to boil, you sat back down in the living room. Something however caught your eye, something you haven’t seen in months, you completely forgot it was there. Your record player. You immediately started to cry, so many memories of you and Ben filtering through your mind.

You and Ben entered your apartment after going out to dinner for Valentine’s Day. Carrying two boxes of leftovers, you entered the kitchen to put them in the fridge. Ben, however, stayed in the living room and looked around; it was the first time he had been over there, and he was of course staying with you for the night. His eyes landed on the record player sitting on top of a small stand. He smiled softly as he remembered how much you love them. Looking through the stack, he picked out a Queen album of course, one of his favorites, A Night at the Opera. His smile grew as you came back into the room, looking at him strangely, wondering what he was up to.

“Just something for the background.” You chuckled and sat on the couch with him. The two of you continued to talk about random things, but that mostly consisted of reminiscing about moments on set, since filming ended about a month ago.

Side one ended a little too quickly so you got up to switch it. After The Prophet’s Song, Love of My Life sounded quietly through the room. Ben grabbed your hand and dragged you to the open space behind the couch.

“What are you up to?”

“Dance with me, love,” he whispered, wrapped his arms around your waist. Your hands automatically went around his neck, softly playing with the hair at the back of his neck.

Love of my life, you've hurt me

You've broken my heart and now you leave me

Love of my life, can't you see?

Bring it back, bring it back

Don't take it away from me, because you don't know

What it means to me.

Freddie’s beautiful voice echoed against the walls, Ben softly singing along all while staring into your eyes.

You will remember

When this is blown over

Everything's all by the way

When I grow older

I will be there at your side to remind you

How I still love you (I still love you)

“You know, (Y/N)?” He questioned while keeping his gaze on you. Humming in response, he took that as a sign to continue with his thought.

“You’re the love of my life.” His voice was just below a whisper, quiet enough that if you weren’t standing so close to him, you wouldn’t have heard. Tears pooled in your eyes as he grinned softly, bringing a hand up to pull your face closer. He captured your lips in his, the kiss so soft and innocent.

“I love you so much, Ben.”

“I love you too, darling.”

Remembering you had water boiling, you broke out of your daydream and jumped up, running into the kitchen. Thankfully, the water had just started to boil, so it wasn’t going to be a disaster. You continued on with the steps and finished it. Grabbing a bowl, you took your place back on the couch, turning on The Office to pass some time.

Once you finished eating and cleaning the dishes, you returned to the couch for the third time tonight, deciding to stay there for the rest of the night; you really didn’t feel like getting up, in all honesty.

One thing you did get up for was to put on that same vinyl. And now, you were back to looking through pictures from filming. You don’t know why, but you wanted to look through every single one. You wanted to go back to a simpler time, when you and Ben were soon to be in a relationship after the press tours, and not stuck in this mess. You picked up on the picture you left off on earlier today, swiping a few pictures before coming to one similar to one where the guys were under the king cape. Instead, it was you and Ben, and there was a cute story behind it.

Shooting was well underway, you and Ben now made up and becoming closer and closer after deciding to wait to be together. Although you weren’t needed on set anymore, as all your scenes had been shot and finished, you wanted to stick around, mostly to spend time with Ben. Obviously, he would be filming all day, every day, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t spend nights with him, or grab lunch with him during a break. Sometimes you didn’t show up until late at night, when everyone was ready to leave, so you could leave with him. No one really minded you being there, as you were apart of the movie anway, and you weren’t exactly bothering anyone.

Today was a day where you came up closer to them being done. They weren’t allowed any breaks for the day, unless they were about five minutes or less because there was so much to be done. When you did arrive, however, you couldn’t find Ben anywhere. He wasn’t in his trailer, he didn’t seem to be on set, and he wasn’t in any of the tents. You found Gwilym, who was dressed in his Live Aid costume, confusing you a little.

“I thought you guys finished Live Aid last month?”

“We did. However, we needed promotional pictures of us, and everyone was so caught up in focusing on starting new scenes, we forgot. So we’re doing that right now,” he explained as Joe showed up next to him, in his Live Aid outfit and hair as well.

“Have you seen Ben?” They both said nothing, but pointed down to the ground behind them. On an air mattress, who knows where it came from, laid Ben under the king cape Rami wore for the party scene, asleep in his Roger getup.

You laughed a little, noticing he was asleep and made your way over to him. Before you could caress his cheek like you always do when he’s asleep, Rami jumped on the mattress right behind him. This prompted Joe to plop in front of Ben, and Gwil to lie in front of Joe. Rami and Joe helped to spread the ‘blanket’ out, waking Ben up in the process. He groaned and laughed at the three guys trying to fit under the ‘cover’ as well. He still hadn’t noticed you, but continued to laugh.

You quickly took a video, taking a few pics in the process as well. You moved a little to the left and stepped into Ben’s view. His eyes lit up as he finally saw you.

“(Y/N), you’re here!” You captured his reaction in a picture, laughing at how happy and shocked he looked; it was the most adorable photo of him, even though he’s dressed as Roger still.

“Alright, you guys had your fun. Now move!” He shoved Rami, causing him to slide off and fall to the ground, then moving to push Joe and Gwil off so you could lay with him.

“I’m done with my shots for now, I went first because I was tired. But I have to stick around so we can do group pictures when the individual shots are done,” he explained as you sat next to him. He was still lying down, eyes closing a little, hinting that he is still tired.

“Go back to sleep, bub,” you whispered, leaning over to run your hand against his cheek. He hummed softly and fully shut his eyes.

“Cuddle with me?” He whimpered, opening his arms for you to slip into. You giggled softly and lifted the cape to slide under it. His arms were immediately around you, keeping you close to his chest.

“Missed you.” Your cheeks heated up a little at his confession. He shuffled his body a little so he was now cuddling into you, his head resting on your shoulder, lips softly pressing against your neck.

“I missed you too. Now get some sleep.” Ben quickly fell back asleep, quiet snores escaping his slightly parted lips. You followed shortly after, your hand that was rubbing his back coming to a halt.

You didn’t know that the entire cast had taken at least one photo of you two at that moment. No one wanted to bother you just yet, so they waited even longer between individual shots to give you two some time to rest.

Thinking back to that moment, that was the only time Ben ever cuddled into you, to the point where you were holding him instead of the other way around. A smile made its way to your lips as Love of My Life came on, bringing you a sense of comfort.

A sense of hope that everything will go well tomorrow.

[lostinthe-pines-blog]

Olivia. Chapter 1. - A Friendship

LIAM x MC

LIAM x OLIVIA

A multi-chapter story that follows Liam and MC as they spend their first year ruling as King and Queen of Cordonia. As they rule together they realize their strongest ally is the one person from the one place their people have rejected. Questioning why Liam and MC still support Olivia and Lythikos they work together to restore her reputation.

Storylines from The Royal Romance books have been altered slightly.

NOTE: This is a fictional story based on Pixelberry’s Choices App. *The Royal Romance books. I am not affiliated with Pixelberry nor do I own the rights to their original characters.

TAGS: @katurrade​

Just over a year had passed since Liam and MC had married. Their union was long awaited and began to instill trust back into their followers. The past year had been spent cleaning up messes certain members of Lythikos had caused. As the 600th birthday of the formation of Cordonia slowly approached the people became worried again that a large gathering would make them target to more tragic events. Especially after King Liam had announced Duchess Olivia as the guest of honor. Liam selected her in an attempt to restore her reputation and set her family as allies again to the Cordonian reign.

MC sat on the bed reading over the documented traditions and memories of Cordonia’s birthday celebrations from the past 100 years. She had a lot of history to catch up on. But unlike her American studies in school, Cordonia’s history actually intrigued her. As she read she discovered traditions and rulers from the past she’d yet to learn about. She had one goal as Queen and it was to bring back the legacies and traditions of those Queen’s who’d come before her. As she filed through more recent traditions something became apparent over the last 20 plus years. Olivia and Liam had always stood together. MC was not foolish she knew the feelings the stark redhead from Lithakos harbored for her King; but she also knew it was not reciprocated. MC had come to feel nothing but respect for Olivia, friendship even, not an ounce of resentment or jealousy. She began to pile each of the memories knowing her husband and friend would love to see them in the coming weekend.

Liam had been away for two weeks traveling and attempting to convince duchy’s to join them for the celebration. Liam knew being king he’d have to sacrifice a lot of his time to his country. But tonight was to be his first evening back by his Queen’s side. Arriving home a day early to surprise her he didn’t intend to give any of his time to his court tonight. To the public they were regal figures nothing but smiles, strength and a little physical contact. But in their time alone they showed all the basic human emotions. In the past few years of growing together MC had supported Liam through his tears of loss, and his anger in war. Liam was always careful to show her love when she was homesick, happiness in their celebrations together, and lust apparent in every one of their emotions. The couple preferred to be together as often as possible not only for their own selfish gain but to show their country how strong they really were.

Liam ducked into the large chamber noticing his wife flipping through old scrapbooks and newspaper articles. She’d always been quick to tune out the noises around her when she studied. Liam examined her for a moment. She’d really come a long way since he’d met her in ripped jeans and a greasy apron. His waitress now dawned lilac silk pajama bottoms and while there was a matching top somewhere she wasn’t wearing it. Her top was covered by a thin grey tank. Her curls pulled into a mess on top of her head yet she still looked regal to him. He wasn’t sure now how to make her aware of his presence. Watching a few moments more as she flipped through old albums he decided to speak softly attempting not to scare her.

“Can I help you find anything?” He asks as he approaches setting his coat to the side. He looks to her with nothing but admiration in his eyes.

Scared she jumps looking up quickly. The fear on her face is quickly replaced as her eyes focus on the man before her. Her mind trying to adjust to the reality that he was actually there, she shoves the articles and albums aside leaping from the warm covers. “You’re home!” skipping quickly over to him he catches her embrace.

Hugging her tightly he takes in the sweet aroma he’d come to recognize as her own. Pulling back only slightly from her tight arms he places his forehead to hers. “Were you surprised?” he chuckles now.

“Of course! How was the trip? Did you accomplish your goal?” She asks their faces still close together she feels the heat of his breath on her sensitive lips.

“The trip was miserable without you” he breathes closing the gap between them. Pressing his lips softly to hers he tries his hardest not to get to caught up in her taste. After a moment he pulls back running his hand down her face softly “However, the trip was successful! Every duchy will be attending the birthday celebration though a few are displeased with Olivia’s role in the ceremony”

MC looks down from his gaze, worried for their friend “None of the attacks were Olivia’s fault!” she sighs “Everyone the entire court has rejected Lythikos. They’ve quite literally left her out in the cold.” laughing for a moment at her morbid joke. “I hope you're right Liam, I hope we can do right by her. We really can’t lose the imports from Lythikos.”

“Someone’s been doing their homework...” Liam trails tightening his grip on his wife Quizzing her quickly he speaks playfully

“What’s our biggest import from Lythikos?”

“Steal!” MC responds proudly

“Correct!” he chimes

“What’s my prize?” she smirks raising an eyebrow.

Liam chuckles and shakes his head as he leans in giving her another longing kiss. She returns the kiss letting the sensation fill her entire body. She reaches down unbuckling his pants quickly allowing them to fall he steps out them. As he pulls away he listens to her share another fact hoping for another prize.

“But shortly followed by imports of fresh water.” she continues

“Correct again.” he sighs wanting to get lost in the moment of laughter and lust but the reality of these two imports sets in. “Fresh water is a loss Cordonians wouldn’t survive.”

MC pushes back her sexual tendencies hearing the real worry in his voice. “This celebration will be extremely important.” MC shares knowing he already knows that. “We both have to show the trust we have in Olivia and her new rule over Lythikos. I think I found something that might help!”

MC pulls away from their embrace and guides him over to their large king sized bed. The two of them settling in quickly, he removes his tight sweater and they climb under the covers. She leans her back on to his now bare chest, his arms wrapped tightly, and protectively around her as she shuffles through the papers she’d been going through for hours.

“Here, I found all of these. I know you and Olivia spent most of your life betrothed, and friends. We can use that history to remind the people how strong you had both been over the years.” She hands Liam a large stack of photos and news articles, all of them about Olivia and himself.

Liam looks at the photos laughing at some of the memories. Despite the confusion of misplaced affection, Liam still cared for the redheaded duchess. She’d been one of his best friends all his life and he couldn’t watch has his people betrayed her. As he circled back to an older photo he smiled instantly remembering it.

“Please tell me…” MC whispers noticing his change in demeanor.  “I know your smiling at your memories, please, allow me be apart of them too.”

Liam nods kissing her temple gently. “My every memory belongs to you now.” he reassures her. As he begins to explain the story of the photo the world is clearly painted in MC’s mind.

“Cordonia’s 573th Birthday” the banner reads over head as two tightly dressed children pose beneath it.

“Liam, stand still!” A voice calls gently. His mother, his birth mother commanding him now. Liam continues to jump around, his four year old body filled with excitement and far to much sugar. Next to him stands a poised redhead whose daunting mothers gaze controls her every move. The spunky boy and serious girl were an unlikely pairing but their future together was already in the plans.

“Smile my young Prince” the gentle mother speaks again and the photo is snapped.

“You know you could dance too” the young prince Liam looks to the poised child, Olivia, beside him. “Let me show you some moooooves!” dancing around the young duchess his hips rock dramatically “Bastian told me this is what Elvis did!” Liam smiles seeing the young lady attempt to hide her giggles in return. She finally lets out a laugh as she boldly attempts to mirror his movements, while their mothers stand by. Liam’s mother Elizabeth encourages the children while Olivia’s is far less amused.

“This is the first memory I have of Olivia, and honestly one of the first memories I have at all.” Liam admits, “After that day she’s in almost every major memory I have. Her, Drake and Maxwell stood by me.” Liam’s tone changes again “Which is why I have to stand by her, It’s like you said MC, all of Cordonia has turned its hearts on Lythikos. I need Olivia to show them that her leadership will be a reset for her land. A chance to right the wrongs. I think you’re right” he smiles down at his brilliant lover “These photos could help.”

MC leans her head back on to his chest, looking up for a moment she kisses his jaw line gently. Her King was always trying to see the world positively, to give everyone a chance. Olivia needed this chance and their closest friends at court knew it. “We’re all here to help you and her Liam. Lythikos will be our strongest ally again, I know it.”

Liam sighs pulling a photo from the middle of the stack to draw his attention away from the impending disasters. In the photograph Olivia is smiling and laughing brighter than MC had ever seen. Maxwell clearly messing with her from behind. And Liam wrapped tightly between the two of them.

“I didn’t even know I had this photo” he reacts sitting up startled at the memory, sharing the photo with MC. “Bertrand took this, I figured he’d probably kept the print for Maxwell.”

Sensing the protection over this particular photo MC looks up at him again, he jaw clenched not looking from the image.

“This photo is important to you…” she trails off.

“This particular Cordonian Birthday celebration was only weeks after my mother passed. My father almost canceled the reception…” The memory fills him as he shares again the small moment of his past with his wife painting an emotional and vivid picture.

“Maxwell!!!! you dirty pig! Get your hands off me!” Olivia yells stomping her feet and tears forming in frustration. As Maxwell pokes and tickles her in every direction she continues to yell. She’s about to turn 10 and for the first time in her life she’s starting to see the boys she’d always been around as dirty, smelly beasts.

“Come on Olivia I’m just messing around!” Maxwell protests. “Liam! Tell her! She only listens to you anyways.”

Liam was being forced to attend the celebration because it was ‘what his mother would have wanted.’  He didn’t care for anyone’s shenanigans his young scattered and scared mind was just trying to get through the day. He looks to Maxwell and rolls his eyes. “Max if she asked you to stop maybe you should listen…” he trails off sadness thick in the young boys voice.

Despite their differences Max and Olivia look to each other noticing instantly the sadness that’s bestowed their friend. They agree through a brief moment of eye contact that it was on them to cheer him up.

“Liam wait up!” Olivia yells after him. As his attention is drawn to Olivia, Maxwell sneaks around and attacks him with tickles from behind. Trapping him in the endless laughter Olivia tickles from the front. Liam’s body squirms as happiness breaks onto his face for the first time in weeks.

“Stop stop!” Liam yells with laughter “I surrender!!!”

As Maxwell moves his fingers from Liam back to Olivia she smiles bright this time not fighting his playful tickles. It’s in this moment that Bertrand snaps a photo before calling his brother over to return to their family.

“Liam…” MC pauses thinking for a moment of the memory shared. The young prince navigating the emotions of mourning is a sad thought. “I’m glad you had them.” She responds twisting her fingers through his. She knew Liam well but she was still learning about his past and his history. She’d been lucky enough to meet his father before his passing and while his step mother was lovely MC knew Liam would always been sad that she’d never be able to meet Elizabeth.

“They got me through a lot” he responds softly remembering the memory as both happy and sad. “I wouldn’t trade their friendship for anything in the world.” Taking a deep breath Liam stacks the remaining photos on the nightstand beside the bed and turning off the lamp. “We should get some rest, Olivia arrives tomorrow.” Liam kisses the top of MC’s head softly before adjusting in the bed. His arms still around her, he loops his fingers through hers again as she pulls their hands tight her her chest.

“Thank you for letting me into you memories.” MC says lightly, “Your mother would be so proud of you.” she adds quickly. She feels his hands tighten around hers as he buries his face in her neck. He shows a weakness now he’d be sure never to show his kingdom.

[thatangstyhoe-blog]

Mercy

Y’all aren’t ready for this 2k of angst...

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“And the award for album of the year goes to...”

“Ed Sheeran!” I stand up along with the rest of the people in the crowded facility. Clapping my hands slowly, I rest my gaze on my boyfriend sitting next to me. He looks disappointed and I can’t help but feel bad for him knowing how much he wanted the award. Shawn loved Ed - yes - but he had put countless hours into the album in the hopes of living up to a moment that would no longer exist.

“Hey” I place my hand on his shoulder while he stares at his shoes outstretched in front of him, “I’m proud of you” I tell him as he brushes my hand off and proceeds to walk towards the restroom.

Shawn continued to ignore me for the majority of the night. And although I understood that he was disappointed, I didn’t have anything to do with the results of the award and could not understand why he was ignoring the person who had supported him the most. I would occasionally sneak glances in his direction, my eyes following his movements carefully throughout the room. I would catch him talking to some music representatives with a smile plastered across his face, and it would soon turn to a frown once he made eye contact with me.

I was getting fed up with his actions and made the bold decision to approach him myself. Shawn was standing in front of an older man and a girl who looked much younger than him while speaking and gesturing with his hands. I snuck up behind him and rested a hand on his upper back.

He quickly looked in my direction, his smile quickly fading.

“Who is this beautiful young lady, Shawn?” the older man asks me with a grin on his face. I take a step forward and shake his hand.

“This is y/n. She’s a friend.” he simply states with a monotonous voice while leaning down to my height to quickly whisper in my ear.

“Don’t mess this up for me too” He bitterly says, backing away and pushing my hip gently while motioning me to leave.

----------------------------------------------

Eventually it came time to leave the awards show and I greeted some of my friends, thanking them for accompanying me while saying goodbyes to them. I had agreed to meet Shawn at his car so he could drive us home earlier that night and I quickly grabbed my coat to layer on top of my dress that only reached mid-thigh. The air had been growing cold recently and I wasn’t taking any chances when it came to being cold.

I quickly walked out of the enormous building and walked to the parking garage, my heels rubbing against my blisters and my arms crossing over my chest in an attempt to keep some of the heat in my body. The parking garage is only half full, taking into account that most of the guests had come with drivers rather than driving themselves. I walk through the garage and make a mental note of the sections before I spot him.

Shawn is standing, scrolling through his phone in one hand and leaning against the driver’s door of the car. I can tell that he’s tired and annoyed just be the way that he stands and also by the way he tiredly rubs his face and sighs occasionally.

“Hey, I was looking for you” I quietly say, but I know he hears me. I decide not to create conflict by mentioning the introduction as a “friend” earlier in the night and the complete negligence on his part throughout the night.

“Get in” He bluntly states as he gets in the car and quickly turns it on. I hop in the passenger's seat and take off my coat, throwing it into the back seat of the large jeep.

He pulls out of the garage and pays for the parking. There’s quite a bit of traffic before we can make it on the highway and the tension in the car lingers through the air.

“It was a good show” I tell Shawn, who sits in his driver’s seat unphased while his head is propped up against his elbow. The car rarely scoots forward due to the cramped cars at this time of night.

“Yeah.” He simply states as he keeps looking forward.

“Justine was there” I tell him and this time he doesn’t even bother to reply.

“I spent the most of my night with her. You know, since you barely acknowledged me” My words finally seem to catch his attention as his turns his head to look at me.

“Is there a problem here?” Shawn asks as he rubs at his eyes.

“No, not really. My boyfriend just brought me to an event that I didn’t even want to go to and told me to fuck off the entire time we were there. Not a big deal.” I tell him with an annoyed glare.

“Not everything is about you, y/n. Calm down.” He clutches the wheel harder and I can see the veins that outline his forearms.

“I know that. But when you basically force me to go to an event and then refuse to say more than 3 words to me the entire night, I think I have the right to complain.” I point out. “And you blamed me for not winning the album award. What’s up with that?” I ask him.

“That album wasn’t as good as it should’ve been. I knew it, Andrew knew it, and the whole team knows it. I was distracted, and since it’s really the only album i’ve written since I met you...”

He trails off. I can’t tell whether he regrets it or not considering he isn’t apologizing yet.

My voice cracks slightly as I try to process what he’s implying.

“Are you - are you implying that i’m the reason why your album didn’t win the award?” I ask him and he stays silent. I sit in outrage due to the ridiculousness of the statement he’s just thrown at me.

“That has got to be the most ridiculous bullshit i’ve ever heard in my entire life” I say, startling him.

“Excuse me?” He looks taken aback.

He turns the car out of the traffic mess and we’re finally on a more empty highway with a smaller number of cars. He occasionally looks over at me, opening his mouth as if he’s about to say something before quickly closing it.

“I have absolutely nothing to do with you not winning that award! Shawn, I have stuck by you through every step of your career. When you couldn’t think of song lyrics, I was the one sitting there and talking to you until you finally figured them out. I attend every concert I possibly can and give you as much support as I possibly can. This album went platinum, for god sakes!”

I throw my hands up in an angry fit and his pale complexion develops a red shade.

“Are you kidding me? You’re a distraction! You’re always bothering me when i’m writing songs, giving shitty input I didn’t ask for” I feel a flash of hurt hit my chest but I assure myself that he’s just mad and we’re caught up in a moment.

“You bring me useless things to the studio as an excuse to be with me more. Newsflash y/n, if I need food while i’m writing, I can just walk to the Panera next door! You always find excuses to be around me and it’s affecting my music. Maybe you should just stop being so fucking clingy!” His voice booms in the car and there’s a sudden pause and a moment of quiet.

The car is going at a fast pace given that there are almost no other cars on the highway and I now notice that small flakes of ice are falling from the dark sky. It’s snowing, something I would’ve thought of as beautiful in any other situation, but the intensity of the argument seems to distract from the beautiful snow.

“Maybe your album just wasn’t all that great” I coldly reply. I know it’ll hurt him, but he hurt me first. And while I could choose to be the bigger person, in this situation, I choose to fire back instead.

I’m taken aback slightly when the car comes to a slow halt. I freeze, panic rushing through me at the possibility of the car malfunctioning but it is then I realize that Shawn has pulled over to the side of the road.

“What are yo-”

“Get out” He quietly replies, not an ounce of emotion laced in his voice.

“Shawn I-”

“Get out, y/n. I don’t want to talk to you right now” He says, louder this time.

“Shawn, please. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” I desperately call out. I hear the drivers door open and I realize he’s stepping out. For a split second, I think he is walking away from the car and leaving me. But just as I’m about to open my door and run after him, I realize that he is walking to my side of the car.

He opens the door to the passenger’s seat of the car and I immediately feel the cold wind on my forearms. I’m wearing a spaghetti strap dress than only reaches - at lowest - to my mid-thigh. It barely covers my body and without my coat I feel like i’m freezing.

Shawn repeats himself another time, “get out of my car”.

“Shawn, please” I shake my head and warm tears are quickly filling my eyes.

“It’s so cold out there and it’s so late. Shawn, I don’t know where we are, please.” I plead. For a split second I think I see a hint of remorse in his eyes but he proves me wrong as he harshly grabs my wrist and pulls me out of the car. I fall onto the frozen pavement, my heels falling off of my feet with my tears spilling out of my eyes. He stares at me one last time before angrily getting back into his jeep and storming off.

And while I sit barefoot on the freezing pavement, staring as his car becomes nothing more than a silhouette in the distance, all I seem to do is beg him for mercy.

[crocodilenialledfics]

Their love shouldn't have been so intense. Niall shouldn't have been able to bring her to her knees like this. Niall wasn't quite sure what he did to deserve her but there's nothing in the world he wouldn't do for her.

flashback to where it all started, Soren or Ren for short was 26. she was a journalist at The Rolling stone- in fact the youngest yet. she was incredibly proud of where she was and she definitely didn't take it for granted.

Ren prided herself in capturing the real essence of what music should be. She covered the section on Music reviews- Ren's Review. the name alone made her sick but it's what made her money.

Ren, however hated phonies, and that was exactly what Niall was. the music industry grew up without him. it was now 2017 and he was still whining about a girl that so clearly broke his heart. how many times could one person write about it? it worked for the classics but as Niall overused the same four chords and same sad lyrics, Ren thought her head would explode.

It wasn't anything personal- except for the fact that he was a complete douche to his fans and barely gave anyone an ounce of respect- also, he refused an interview with her. refused. Ren was both annoyed and angry and feeling lots of resentment towards the male race when she wrote the article. did she mean everything she said? of bloody course she did. would she take it back? absolutely not.

when Niall’s management called her, Ren was already not in the mood. Niall was washed up, plain and simple. as if her opinion changed the worlds opinion of him? probably not but he was whiny anyways. she'd even sent an early copy before publishing it.

With unbridled ambition and stubbornness, Ren agreed to meet with some people on the behalf of Niall. Ren internally scoffed because if he was so upset why couldn't he meet with her instead.

"hello, i'm Janice," the woman introduced herself. "i'm the media head. this is Dane, Mr. Horan’s image consultant."

"nice to meet you both," she smiled, shaking their hands. they sat down at the table and ordered drinks.

"so i've heard Mr. Horan has an issue with the article i've written?" Ren asked, glazing over the menu.

"yes we were actually hoping you could make a few changes," Janice said. "just so it doesn't totally ruin his career."

"look," Ren closed her menu. "it's the truth. I guess it's not blatantly clear but then again your management team has yet to master what promo really means. Niall’s image, as hard as you've tried to preserve it, has gone to shite. until his music is real and meaningful, my opinion won't be changed and i will still publish the article."

"is there any price?" Dane asked, pulling his check book out. "you name it and-"

"save it Dale," she picked her menu up. "i'm thinking about the steak, what about you?"

"oh-uh it's Dane actually," he replied meekly.

"right," she nodded, looking him up and down.

Niall was livid. he read the article. he reread it, even. everything was a lie. Anger coursed through him the more he read the word.  

washed up pop star

the same three chords used over & over again

unoriginal lyrics derived from horrible writers

how long can he use the same worn down archetypes without people noticing?

does he even care about his fans who have done nothing but support him through thick and thin times?

Niall was already on the phone with Janice as he went out the door. He headed straight to the main office ready to tear this Soren Maude a new one.

Janice advised him to keep calm, to let it blow over except he was insulted and pissed off. Soren had absolutely no right to criticize him when he didn't even know the half of it.

Niall marched right into the office of Rolling stone ready to butt heads with someone.

"i need to speak with a Soren Maude, please," he demanded, arms crossed over his face.

"I'm sorry Soren isn't available right now," the receptionist said. he looked right past Niall as if he didn't even exist.

"i need to speak to him now," Niall insisted.

exasperated, he sighed. the bloke picked up the phone. "Ren, Niall Horan is here to see you. he won't go away."

the receptionist hung up the phone and went back to his computer. impatient was what Niall was.

"so?" he asked, getting angrier by the second.

"so you better lose your attitude real quick," he looked up at Niall. "Ren will knock ya head off. first second on the left."

Niall shook his head and grunted. he couldn't wait to meet this Soren. He sauntered down the hall with everything he had to say on the the tip of his tongue.

"I need to speak with a Soren Maude," Noah said as he approached the open door.

"that's me," a small brunette with glasses said. she only came up to niall's nose and well, how could he yell at her? "can i help you with something?"

"i uh- um yes," he faltered. "you- you wrote that article about me?"

"yeah," she nodded. "is there a problem?"

"yeah," he nodded, eyebrows furrowed. "what's wrong is that it's complete slander!"

"it's not slander if it's true," she closed a folder in front of her. "and everything i wrote was true. your lyrics are weak. they're overused and repetitive. four albums with the same thing over and over again. your fans are disappointed, Niall."

"you have no right!" he exclaimed. "you don't know anything about my fans!"

"I did research before publishing it," she stood up. "I talked to your fans. i talked to music majors. do you know what makes song great?"

"relatableness and a good hook- my songs have great hooks!"

"no Niall," she closed her door. "a good song makes you feel, it makes you think- you can see yourself in a good song."

"and what makes you so qualified?" Niall asked, eyebrow raised.

"i went to school for this," she looked him up and down. "are you trying to discredit my credentials to make yourself feel better?"

"well I just don't see how someone like you gets to decide what's good and bad," he crossed his arms over his chest.

"someone like me?" she asked. "like a young woman?" she asked. "like my opinion is invalid- tell me, Niall. if this Soren you came looking for was in fact a dude how would you react? very different i presume."

"no that's- that's not true," he stuttered, taking a step back.

"like hell it isn't," she leaned on her desk. "besides you don't even write your own songs anymore so why is it such a big deal? i know it isn't your fault. your team is sticking you with the same image you've been with since you were eighteen but the least you could do is put a little heart into it. put real feelings, emotions. songs are supposed to be relatable but not so much that every song sounds like a boring top forties."

"it's not as easy as you think," he turned away. "it's not like you know anything about the industry anyways. thanks for the bloody great review, i really appreciate it".

"Niall-"

Niall shook his head, heading for the door, slamming the door behind him. the worst part was that everything she said, Niall knew was true.

As Niall mulled over Ren's so boisterous opinion, he found that accepting it was harder than he originally thought.

Niall came to his conclusion a week later. he cried a bit, got angry, got proper pissed drunk and then his mind was clear and made up. he needed to see her.

This time, Niall waited patiently for Ren to return from her lunch break. she came walking in with a tall brown haired lad. they looked awfully close and somewhere deep within Niall, he felt jealous.

"Niall... hi," she greeted here. "who are you here to see?"

"uh you, actually," he stood up. "i was hoping we could talk."

"yeah sure," she nodded. "i actually have some running to do for my boss. want to come?"

"uh i guess," he nodded, a little confused.

"great," she smiled. "let me get my coat."

Ren returned a few minutes later carrying a box. she handed it to Niall and took a bag from the receptionist, who Niall learned was named Jamie.

"let's go," she told him, already waiting for him in the elevator.

Niall noticed how fast Ren was. she was always moving so fast, Niall almost couldn't keep up. almost. he was taken aback by it. she was like a flurry of brown curls and papers. she was a hurricane, personified.

"where are we going?" Niall asked, getting into the passenger seat. he was mildly impressed by the Mercedes she drove.

"we need to go to the post office to drop that box off- bloody Tomlinson can't meet deadlines to save his arse- there's people to do this you know?" she shook her head. "sorry that's off topic- you wanted to talk?"

"right yeah," he nodded, sitting up. "so i wanted to talk about the article you wrote."

"look Niall i won't unpublished it or change it or make a statement," she sigh exasperated. "i meant it and i just refuse to take it back."

"no i know i don't- i don't want you too," he shook his head. "i wanted to talk to you about how i could write better songs? like tips i guess?"

"my opinion shouldn't change what you think about yourself," she furrowed her eyebrows.

"i know it doesn't but like i've been feeling this way for a while, you know? like i've been in this mental block- my music is nothing i'd ever listen to. it's cringy. i want to write meaningful music."

"you don't have substance," she told him. the car pulled to a stop. "you need feelings, emotions. take a word and run with it. brain storm. really dig deep. your biggest fears. a feeling you've had. something that is real- i cant stress that enough. stop singing about the girl you couldn't get and start singing about the way that girl makes you feel. like gut wrenching heart break or love so deep it'll bring tears to your eyes."

Niall nodded, "i think i know what you mean."

"get with some good writers," she encouraged him. "like Julian. he's sick to work in the studio with. he's a friend. i'll ask him about you. don't be afraid to be vulnerable, yeah?"

"okay," Niall nodded. "i'll try.“

hey it's Niall.. i had some lyrics i wanted to run by you, if you're willing?

Ren bit her lip, setting her phone down on the table. did she really wanna get into this?

come by my office around two Ren wrote back hesitantly. she clicked send and held her breath.

"so what are we going for?" Ren asked, sitting up.

"dunno," he chuckled, scratching his neck nervously. "i just wrote down some things."

'Lips so good i forget my name. i swear i could give you everything.'

'i don't need my love baby you can take it. you can break it...'

"i didn't quite finish that thought though," he pointed at the last one.

"s'good," she nodded.

'if tomorrow won't be mine, baby won't you give it to me one last time?'

'I ain't up for debating, Ain't enough for the taking, you got the whole world shaking'

'I keep on holding tight now, cause your body's telling me don't let go'

"these are all really good," Ren nodded, handing him the crumpled piece of paper back. "i really mean it- they could really be something."

"you think?" he asked nervously.

"for sure," she nodded. "i really mean it," she repeated. "here let me- i'll send these to Julian."

"think he'll help?" Niall asked.

Ren nodded with a smile. "his producer Liam is aces."

to Niall: scheduled a session with Julian & a few writers be there or be square

Niall chuckled, shoving his phone back into his pocket. a square was what he wouldn't be.

Wolves. wolves came the easiest. the more he read the lyrics, the more he fell in love with it. recording in the studio was the best feeling in the world. it was coming so easy to him.

as Niall ran through the melody one more time, Jamie called him in to record it one last time. he was certain this would be the best one.

as niall poured his heart out, he hadn't even noticed Ren walk in. only when he stepped out did he notice her. she wasn't in her usual work clothes. she wore a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt but somehow it made her even more irresistible.

"that was amazing," she smiled. "those lyrics are really good- when'd you guys finish?"

"a little while ago," Julian answered. "niall's killing it in here!"

"i got chills!" Ren laughed. she shook Niall by his shoulders. "you gave me chills!"

"so i made you feel then?" he asked, amused.

"yes!" she laughed.

Niall felt pride wash over him. he made her feel.

Niall couldn't stay away no matter how hard he tried because well... after she saw him record, something changed. something within Niall changed. he didn't see her as the girl that wrecked his career, more as the one that opened his eyes.

it seemed that Ren couldn't stay away either. she showed up more and more often at the studio. she encouraged niall and acted like she really wanted to help him. Harry Styles had also popped in quite frequently, helping Niall out. They met while Niall recorded wolves and he offered his advice. Ren and her were good friends through the business. She considered him to be a good friend.

"harry," Ren whispered as Niall recorded the guitar parts.

"hm?" he hummed, sitting back. "what's wrong?"

"i um," she coughed, nervously adjusting her glasses. "i think... i think i may fancy Niall just like a tiny bit."

"you think?" harry asked, eyeing her cautiously.

"like a little bit," she nodded.

"what are we gonna do about this?" harry asked with a chuckle.

"well like he seeked me out for help, you know?" Ren mumbled. she sighed. "he's like billionaire popstar- shags upteen girls a month. he wouldn't-"

"don't finish that sentence," harry warned.

"he wouldn't want a girl like me," she rushed out.

"ren!" he shouted, shoving her.

Niall emerged from the recording room just as Ren laughed against harry. he set his guitar up and sat down next to harry. "what's so funny?"

"Ren is being intolerable," harry rolled his eyes. "see, she fancies this bloke-"

"h, no," she whined, covering her face with her hands.

"she fancies him and doesn't think the feelings are mutual- isn't that a load?" Harry asked.

"definitely," Niall nodded. he looked Ren up and down.  

Ren's face burned red. she shook her head, grabbing her purse off of the table. "right well i've to go- early meeting."

"i'll walk you out," Niall offered, standing up.

the elevator ride down to the first floor was silent Ren felt anxious the whole time. it probably had to do with harry's transparency and her inability to control her embarrassment.

"so i hope you get the whole bloke* thing sorted," Niall told her as they walked towards the doors.

"yeah," she coughed awkwardly. "thanks. me too."

"so big meeting," he commented, nodding.

"right, yeah," she nodded. "you sounded great today."

he smiled, "thanks."

Ren shuffled around her apartment. she balanced a glass of wine in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in the other. she tucked her phone under her chin, heading for the living room. the buzzer rang maker her curse.

she set her things down and pushed the intercom. "yeah?"

muffled, "its Niall."

Ren, furrowed her eyebrows and unlocked the door. "come on up."

Ren paused the television and unlocked her door. when Niall knocked, she took a moment to breath. she opened the door with a smile. "hey."

"oh am i- am i interrupting?" Niall asked, eyes widening like he hadn't even thought of it.

"no no just r and r, come in," Ren opened the door for him to come in.

"want some wine?" she asked, offering him her glass.

"ah no," Niall chuckled. "i drove.. but um i was- have you been online lately?"

"as in..." Ren trailed off.

"as in have you googled either me or you in the last *hm twenty four hours?" he asked, sitting down across from her.

"um no," she raised an eyebrow. "should i?"

"no uh definitely not!" he rushed out. "just- there have been a few reports of things between us as more than just colleagues."

colleagues. ouch.

"oh," she replied quietly.

"i didn't want you to get freaked out or anything my PR. they needed a story i guess," he shrugged. "i just wanted to clear things up and i hope this didn't mess anything up with that bloke of yours."

"oh no..." she trailed off. "it didn't quite work out."

"that's shite," he frowned empathetically.

"yeah..." she sighed, sitting up. "so was there something else or..."

"no that's it," he smiled. "sorry for dropping by so late i was just worried."

"yeah s'fine," she nodded. "i've a show to watch so."

"right yeah," he nodded. "and thanks so much for hooking me up with Julian and Harry. they're brill."

"yeah," she forced out a smile.

and something about it sounded suspiciously like a goodbye which maybe she wasn't exactly ready for. she frowned as he left. how could a person be so oblivious?

it was the American Music Awards. this was important- for The Rolling Stone. they sent Ren on the red carpet to snag some words from a few newer faces. it was fun. it gave Ren an excuse to dress up and drink champagne that was way too expensive.

Ren saw Niall down the other end of the carpet. he looked amazing. Ren frowned, looking away. Louis nudged her and scolded her with a look. she sighed. "sorry."

"look there's Andra Day," he pointed to her. "she'd have a few words to say."

Ren approached her with a warm smile and a hand shake. "I'm Ren and this is Louis. we're from rolling stone mag and i was wondering...."

Niall was making his way through the interviews and photos. he saw Ren when he least expected it. all train of thought was lost. Ren laughed, squeezing Charlie Puth's shoulder. he narrowed his eyes. of all people.

Charlie pulled Ren in for a hug. he rubbed her back in a way that wasn't exactly as platonic as he'd hoped. Niall remembers the charlie puth article well. she raved about his melodies and the riffs- the riffs. she just loved his riffs. if you asked Niall, his music was only alright.

Janice nudged Niall and shook her head disapprovingly. "Niall cut it out."

"just look at them!" he scoffed. Niall shook his head. "disgusting- he's always jumping on the next girl."

"it doesn't matter," Janice, told him, voice stern. "you can't date. especially not her."

"and what's that supposed to mean?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed. the fact that Ren has a higher IQ than most of the girls he's dated said a lot to Niall. she was different.

"she's got virtually no status, babe," Janice shook her head. "you don't need that."

"so all you care about is what makes money?" Niall asked. "really? it's been five years and you can't-can't even throw me this bone."

"money is first- always," she fluffed his hair and sent him down to the next interviewer that was waiting.

Ren was sat two tables to the left of Niall. the table was handpicked because no way would Liam, Harry and Niall have been put together by chance.

Ren shook her head. Louis laughed, handing her his glass of champagne. "y'alright?"

"look at him, Louis. flirting with Selena gomez," she shook her head again.

"it's called being friendly," Louis told her, sitting up. "and don't freak out. nothing's certain."

"except the fact that they're leaving together tonight," Ren scoffed, putting her phone down.

Louis continued to watch Selena and Niall. it looked friendly. if there was some sort of attraction, you could tell. Louis shrugged. he stirred his water, watching the rest of Niall's table. Liam was talking on the phone completely ignoring everything.

“Let’s go say hi,” Louis suggested. He’d worked with each of them two so they were well acquainted.

Harry greeted Ren with a kiss on the cheek and shook Louis’s hand. He immediately dove into a story about who he’d seen with way too much detail.

"ren," a voice interrupted them. ren internally rolled her eyes.

she looked up and smiled. "hi."

"you look amazing," Niall said, standing up. he hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.

"thanks," she replied, stepping back. "anyways harry are we still on for brunch tomorrow?" Ren asked.

"of course," he grinned.

"Harry and i always have brunch after these things. he helps me do best and worst dressed for my blog," Ren smiled. "actually Louis you should come. it's hilarious. We've made bets on who it'd be. I say Taylor momden but Harry says Gaga- but she looks amazing in everything- even the meat dress."

"Right," harry laughed. "who do you say?"

"i gotta say my girl Mariah," Louis shook his head. "she's my queen but no."

"brunch tomorrow?" Niall asked.

"wanna come?" Harry asked him. "it's a lot of fun."

"sounds ace," he smiled. Ren cringed.

Ren dreaded brunch. she purposely invited louis because she knew harry and Louis got on well and he was an absolute riot. now she felt like harry was plotting against her and Ren didn't quite like that feeling.

Ren and Louis were the first ones there. She ordered a coffee, and shifted in her seat. “god i hate harry," Ren shook her head. "Niall just dropped me you know? as soon as i gave him the smallest info he was like great thanks but i don't really need to talk to you anymore- if he even tries it i swear."

"what are you gonna do?" louis asked. "blush and look away- don't fool yourself Ren."

Ren rolled her eyes at Louis. She pulled her ipad out as Harry sat down. Harry sent Ren a bright smile. she rolled her eyes at him.

"cheer up, buttercup," harry grinned.

"i'm angry at you," she muttered.

"why?" he laughed.

"you invited Niall!" she cried. "you know my feelings on that situation."

"he wanted to come," harry defended himself. "would you have told him no?"

"yes," ren huffed. "louis here is special so i invited him. he's got sass and i feel like i need to write something with sass."

"everything you write has sass," Harry snorted. "and that's not an exaggeration."

"figures he'd be late, though." Ren rolled her eyes. "typical snobby pop star."

"heyyy," harry frowned.

"no you're different," Ren promised him. "your a nice genuine human being that didn't lose himself in fame. you're you. it's refreshing."

"what's refreshing?" Niall asked, greeting them. he smiled brightly.

"harry," Ren shrugged. "he's a genuine human being. it's refreshing to meet one of those."

"yeah i know what you mean," Niall agreed. "it is refreshing."

Ren looked away, smiling at louis. she breathed out a sigh feeling the tension settle over them.

"right so best dressed?" Louis asked, setting them all back on to the task at hand.

"right," ren nodded. "so you've all got best dressed people?"

Niall nodded as did harry. "what if they're not celebrities per say?"

"then what are they?" Ren asked, leaning forward.

"well i mean..." he trailed off, setting his phone on the table.

It was a photo of Ren from the back. her head was turned only slightly. her dress flowed down effortlessly much like her brunette curls.

Ren sat back, shock settling in. "me?"

Niall nodded. "yeah."

Louis and harry exchanged a look. Niall stared into Ren's eyes. she looked away too quick for him to read her eyes.

"right well i can't exactly vote meself as best dressed," she chuckled nervously, looking away.

Niall smiled watching as she became flustered. she nervously tapped on the ipad until Louis offered his opinion.

Ren would totally take the piss for this later from louis.

"Niall Horan has had a rough couple of months. Rolling stone magazines, Soren Maude tore him a new one right after his newest album, Take Me home was released. According to a source Soren and Niall continued to work together especially on this song. here's your exclusive first listen to Niall Horan's newest single! here's his newest sound, Wolves."

Ren's eyes widened as the first riff came across the radio. she was shook. Niall's voice was clear and bright and everything she didn't know she needed. Niall's new sound was transforming right before her eyes and the thing was, it was all because of her.

Ren'a phone rang making her jump. she grabbed it off of the table, answering. "hello?"

"Ren!" a voice shouted. "Turn on the radio!"

"i am i am!" she yelled.

"doesn't he sound amazing!" harry exclaimed.

he really does, ren thought and it was the purest thought she's had all day. Ren smiled to herself. she was proud of Niall.

Niall opened his door. the delivery man handed him a large basket filled with fruit, cheese, wine, and a t-shirt. it had a card stuck to it: congratulations!! he furrowed his eyebrows. "who's this from?"

the delivery man looked down at his sheet. "uh it says The Rolling Stone!”

Niall smiled. "thanks a lot."

Ren had just returned back to the office after meeting up with Charlie Puth. they first met a few months ago and he offered to take her out for lunch. how could she resist?

it's like Niall just knew. he knew when Ren was moved on. it was the only reasonable explanation why he was even there. media caught wind and Niall had to be the first one to tell her why it's a bad idea.

"is the boy Charlie?" Niall asked, following Ren into her office.

"no," she replied hesitantly. "why?"

"because you went to lunch with him," Niall stated plainly. "i don't think you should hang out with him."

"and why not?" ren asked, raising an eyebrow.

"because he's... he's got a record, Ren. he talks to like a million girls and he's not quiet about it. you'll end up plastered on his twitter page by the time you wake up."

"you don't even know what you're talking about," Ren huffed. "it was business and i told you the thing with the bloke fizzled out."

"yeah but i know you don't give up that easily," he smiled. "besides i just- Charlie Puth?"

"What i hate more than someone telling me who i can't see is someone that thinks they're entitled to dictate my life," Ren turned around. "Niall don't start with me."

"i'm just looking out for you!" he cried, sitting down, exasperated.

"no," Ren shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest. "if you can parade Selena Gomez around than i can do whatever the hell with whoever the hell i want."

"Ren that's not even- it's not the same," he shook his head. "you don't understand."

"you're right i don't!" she laughed humorlessly. "i don't understand why you think you have a right to tell me who i can or can't date or see or whatever."

"fine but don't say i didn't warn you," Niall stood up.

'spotted! Charlie Puth and writer Soren Maude getting cozy in a sweet NYC cafe. Bye Bye Bella! Could Soren be Charlie's next GF?'

a source close to soren says that the two have been getting pretty close after she wrote an article about him last fall. the source also says that Soren expects this to get really serious really soon! Now nothing's confirmed but if Charlie's tweets are anything to go by, we should expect a confirmation soon! we look forward to seeing more of these two!

Ren clenched her jaw, tossing her phone down onto her bed. this had Niall written all over it.

so niall was called into his managements office early the next morning. he was a bit weary granted he leaked some information to the media- it wasn't exactly true but nonetheless.

Niall hesitantly sat down. Janice and Dane, along with the rest of his team stared at him as he situated himself.

"glad you could join us," Janice raised an eyebrow. "so you've been busy, huh?"

"look it wasn't- i didn't plan on doing it," he mumbled.

"i could care less about that bloody article," she huffed. "the real problem is that we miscalculated- big time."

"erm what?" Niall asked, confused as to what was going on.

"it seems that soren is a very prominent figure in the media world- her social media has nearly sixty thousand followers and she tweets about real stuff like the syrian refugees and- and global news. she's socially aware and as we try to strengthen your image, Soren is the way to go."

"Janice is right," Dane nodded. "you don't have many friends or even people you could say are on your side so an in with Rolling Stone would do wonders for you."

"soren and i aren't really talking right now," Niall told them. he shook his head becoming frustrated with himself all over again.

"make it work, do you hear me?" Janice warned. "your image is vital for your next album coming up. your single was perceived well but it was the one that would make the most money. if Soren writes a good review than we're set."

"but she won't," niall corrected her. "no matter if we're friends or not, she cares about music. if my music sucks she won't tell the world it's good. she isn't like that."

"then we'll just have to make her do it," Janice shrugged.

"you're gonna pay me how much to write a good review on him?" Ren asked, eyes wide.

"Niall's image is important. you write this review and the media will get off your back, simple as that," Janice shrugged.

holy hell, ren thought. desperateness lingered in the air. Ren momentarily thought about abandoning her values for that lump sum. Ren left undecided and distraught. what was more important?

Ren set her tablet down on the table and anxiously clicked her pen. needless to say, Ren's boss all but forced her into it. She threatened to give Louis Ren's job.

Niall sat down across from her. he smiled. "hey."

"i'm still pissed at you," Ren told him. "but i'm being forced to do this so it's whatever. let's just get this over with."

"okay," he nodded, shifting in his seat.

Ren clicked the voice recorder on and propped it on the table. she sighed heavily, rereading the questions that were  prewritten for her.

"so with a new album coming out, you've also decided on a new sound. how do you describe this new sound?" Ren asked.

"Well a good friend of mine pushed me to really challenge myself with the writing. she inspired me to use my real emotions not just the ones i thought people wanted to hear. I really owe it all to her because over the years i'd lost my love for writing almost giving up completely and now i have a lot to be thankful for."

Ren sat up and clicked the recorder off. "seriously cut the crap."

"it's not crap. it's the truth," he replied, tone biting.

"you do talk some shit don't you Horan," she shook her head. ren turned the recorder back on and sighed.

"so fans have been dying to know about the inspiration behind these songs? are they just from feelings or real life experiences or what's going on there?" Ren asked.

"quite a few of them are based on real situations i've been in though i can't reveal any names yet. I think the biggest inspiration behind this album is the concept of home, you know? like as i travel and move from place to place there's no where that really feels like home anymore and thorough these songs i don't know they just- they feel like home."

and wow. Ren wasn't expecting that. she begrudgingly felt herself become more and more captivated by him. Ren mentally cursed himself because this wasn't supposed to happen.

"right," she breathed out. "so how do you think your fans- or really anyone that listens to the album will react?"

"good hopefully," Niall chuckled. "i've poured everything into this album so i'm really nervous to see how people respond."

Ren rolled her eyes as she read the next question to herself. "fans have been going crazy over photos of you and Selena gomez last month. any juicy details you wanna share?"

"no," he chuckled. "Sel and i are good friends. we collabed last year and got to know each other. she's a really great singer- amazing vocals."

Ren sighed again. "so there's been a small leak with a few of your songs how d'you feel?"

"i actually had no idea," he laughed. "but wow first i'd like to know how?"

ren shook her head. "really couldn't tell ya."

Niall reached forward and clicked he voice recorded off. he raised an eyebrow at her. "what's wrong?"

"these questions are shite!" she exclaimed. "this is clearly only a pr stunt. i cant- i'm sorry i cant write this."

"it's not that bad," he shrugged.

"i write for the rolling stone, Niall," she shook her head. "if this gets published like it's a gossip magazine then everyone's in trouble."

"well it is a Pr stunt," he clarified. "and this falls back on both of our managers."

"no," she sat up. ren turned the voice recorder on and opened a new page in her notebook. "in a past interview you mentioned that a lot of your music was inspired by classics like The eagles, Fleetewood mack, sinatra- why do you sing pop which is clearly the opposite of them?"

Niall chuckled wryly. "right so those are really who i grew up listening to and i guess i've always had dreams of becoming someone like them not necessarily being exactly who they are and i guess Pop is where i can succeed."

"okay," Ren smiled. "so do you have any advice for someone just starting out?"

Niall smiled. "the Industry is hard to break into so the most important thing to remember is don't give up. someone believes in you even if it doesn't seem like it. usually it gets harder before it gets better but it's all worth it when you get to do what you love."

"is this what you love?" ren asked. "i mean there have been times where you've felt discouraged? where it almost seemed like you'd give up?"

"yeah, actually," he cleared his throat. he sat up. "this happened about two years ago my mum she lost her battle to leukemia and it was probably the hardest thing i've ever gone through," he shook his head. "when she was gone it seemed like there wasn't a reason. for life. she was my world, you know? but as time went on i found that life got easier."

"you never- songs never came from that?" Ren asked.

Niall gave her a look. "my team said it wouldn't sell."

"so most of your career has been dictated by what would sell?" Ren asked.

Niall sighed, "you know you can't publish any of this right?"

ren shrugged. "just maybe i will. now answer the question."

"then yes. i'd say the sound i have now is mine- like properly mine. i wrote with some really amazing people and i guess basically i've produced this on my own without my team breathing down the neck. from the singles to-to the artwork, it's all really mine."

"so music is obviously your life..." she nodded.

"right," he agreed.

"but will there ever be a day that you just decide this isn't for me anymore? will you ever want to settle down and stay out of the lime light?"

"yeah of course," he nodded. "i probably won't quit altogether because performing is what i really love. i think a quiet life would be nice but only if i've got someone. it'd be nice with someone else but not alone."

"alright," ren breathed out. she turned her recorder off and slipped it into her purse. "thanks- i think i can make a proper article out of this now."

"ren please don't do anything to destroy my career," he gave her a worried look.

"i will consult my boss and he'll let me know what's acceptable. your people didn't blacklist anything so as far i'm concerned, it's their arses i'm burning."

"okay," he laughed. "stay for lunch?"

"i uh can't," she gave him an apologetic smile. "i've prior engagements but by all means let Rolling Stone pick up the tab."

"thats the least of my worries," he chuckled. "but thanks."

Niall's jaw clenched as he saw the photos of Charlie and Soren walking around new york. it wasn't fair. he angrily clicked through the pictures only stopping when he came across one of the two kissing, clearly unaware of the paparazzi snapping photos.

something's gotta give now.

as it turns out the only reason his team set up their interview was to get photos of them together. Niall was almost as mad at Ren.

so now, Ren was caught it this messy love triangle created by the media. Niall's fans boarded her twitter with all sorts of responses. it was then that she decided this wasn't gonna work.

"we have to talk," Ren announced as she walked into the recording studio. Liam, Julian, Harry and Niall all blinked at her like she was crazy.

it wasn't proper recording etiquette to barge in like this. is really messed with the flow which ren could honestly care less about.

"ren we're recording," liam told her. "well about to- you're really disrupting the creative process."

ren set an article from the sun down in front of Niall. "this has got to stop."

"what?" Niall asked.

'Soren Maude has been making waves with all sorts of boys the past month. she's been spotted with both Charlie Puth and Niall Horan in span of two hours. will she be our next Taylor Swift?! We've got our eye on you Soren! Ladies hide you man because she's not stopping now!'

Niall frowned, "well i can see where the problem lies now."

"the fact that i am dating neither of you. the fact that they're using my assumed sexuality as grounds for humiliation?" she cried. "does any of it make sense! no!"

"you're not dating Charlie?" Niall asked.

"no!" she cried. "i've told you over and over. i'm helping him with a song he's working on."

"so let's figure out how to get you out of this then," Niall nodded.

"how about..." Ren pulled her phone out and went straight to twitter.

'just a little disclaimer, i'm not dating. either way it doesn't constitute for scrutiny'

'a female can sleep with as many blokes or women she wants!!! it's not the medias job to scold us!!!!'

ren shoved her phone into her pocket. "there."

"okay well that was very poorly handled," Niall sighed. "my team was using you."

"using me? for what?" Ren asked, affronted.

"they thought that my name circulating with charlie's would be like good for business or something," he shrugged. "and they wanted me to go along with it- i refused but like now they're gonna be pissed."

"this is just unbelievable!" she exclaimed.

"o-okay," Harry stood up. "air?" he asked. "lets go walk it off, yeah?"

Ren shook her head, anger coursing through her. She loathed the industry. it's like being a woman meant being a walking target. being used!! like she's an object!!!

Harry guided Ren out the door. she shook her head, "harry I'm pissed. i'm so pissed. do you understand what's going on? i'm like- i'm * fuming!"

"i know," harry nodded. "i get it. it's frustrating but you can't change it. no one can. you just have to accept it because at the end of the day who you think you are can only be changed by those who affect you."

"okay shut it, harold," Ren huffed, looking away. "what do you know."

"a heck of a lot, actually," he chuckled. "just try to relax."

"i can't relax!" ren shouted.

"why does fake dating Niall hurt so much?" harry asked, confused. "like i don't understand why you're freaking out so much."

"because like- he'd never go for me, Harry," ren shook her head. "and now it just confirms that because i see the way he is. he doesn't want me, Harry. His fans definitely don't either so it being out there is just complete shite."

"you don't know that!" harry cried. "you have to tell him."

"i cant," she pulled away. "no way. ever. Niall can't know i fancy him."

Niall emerged from behind the big black doors of the recording room. He gave Ren a smile. "i talked to janice and things are... what's going on?"

"nothing," ren sighed. "i'm- im going."

"wait no," Niall grabbed Ren's hand. his eyes softened as he looked down at her. "what's wrong?"

"boy troubles," Harry answered for her. he shook his head empathetically.

"anything i can help with?" Niall asked, rubbing his thumb over Ren's knuckles. "you look really upset."

"no it's-it's nothing," Ren breathed out. "i'm fine. i just need some sleep and-and a glass of wine."

Niall nodded, "you'll text me if you need something, yeah?"

"i guess," she nodded, brows furrowed. "why're you being so nice to me? i just ruined your pr stunt and yelled at you."

Niall shrugged, "PR always fixes itself and well... you always yell at me. you don't mean anything by it."

"okay," ren replied quietly. she was still confused because here they were, Niall holding her hand. they were crossing the lines. Ren specifically draws lines and it was completely unfair that he-he just crosses them as if they don't even exist.

"and i think if this bloke, whoever he is doesn't recognize how amazing you are, than he definitely isn't worth it," Niall told her. he dropped her hand and smiled softly.

the irony. ren only hummed in response and muttered a quiet "thanks."

"so text me okay?" Niall asked, taking a couple steps back toward the doors. "i really mean it."

ren nodded, turning away. she let out a heavy sigh, slumping against the wall as Niall disappeared back inside. harry squeezed her hand and frowned empathetically. "text him."

Ren wound up at Louis's tiny apartment in Brooklyn. she was deeply distraught over the weird night she was having. Louis always knew how to cheer her up.

Louis opened the door and greeted her with a big hug. she relaxed against him, breathing out a deep sigh.

"everything okay?" Louis asked, smoothing her hair out. he rubbed her back, letting her hug him.

Ren pulled away only when his cat, Winston rubbed against her leg. she picked him up, kissing him on the head.

"i'm okay," she replied quietly.

"harry texted me," Louis told her, getting two wine glasses out of his cupboard. "says Niall did a number on you today."

"he held my hand, louis," she cried, setting winston down. "what does it mean?"

"like how'd he hold it?" louis asked, pouring her a glass of wine.

"like harry said i had some stuff going on and i said i was fine and then i tried to go but he grabbed my hand he rubbed my knuckles and proceeded to hold my hand for like two whole minutes."

"that's a tough one," louis nodded. "he really did wanna hold your hand, though. i think he was trying to like break the boundaries, you know? like you guys have always been pretty professional so maybe he wanted to show you he was interested without kissing you or something."

"no Louis," she replied quietly. she sipped her wine. "don't give me false hope."

Ren was seated right next to Niall at the showing for Harry's new movie Dunkirk. she was upset about it and somehow she thought it was the workings of Harry himself.

"you look great," Niall told her, looking her up and down.

"thanks," Ren smiled. she looked away. louis squeezed her hand reassuringly.  

"okay?" Louis asked.

"perfect," she replied dryly.

Niall leaned forward, looking at ren. "guess what."

"what?" she asked, crossing her legs. she smoothed her dress out and tried not to focus too much on the way Niall looked at her.

"janice talked to your boss. next year when i tour, you're coming with me," he told her.

"um what?" Ren asked.

"it's part of a miniseries where about me and touring and the fans- it'll be so good," Niall smiled. "i'm really excited."

"no one even thought to consult me?" she asked. "like it's my career not hers, not yours. i don't even get a say?"

"i figured you'd be okay with it," Niall replied quietly. "i mean if you don't want to then we can cancel, i guess."

"that's not the point!" she exclaimed. "it's my life you're messing with. don't you have any consideration. i don't want to work with you, alright? it was a mistake to do it in the first place."

Niall winced. "ouch."

"look i don't think you get it," she sat up. "i cant work with you because... because."

the lights went down and the opening credits started. Ren mentally cursed, sitting back in her seat. she lost her chance.

"ren," Niall whispered, tapping her on the shoulder.

"shhhh!"

ren shook her head. "not now."

instead of focusing on the movie, all Ren could do was think about telling Niall. it was a pure moment of weakness because as the lights came back on she felt fear more than anything as Niall looked at her expectantly.

"no i can't tell you," ren took a step back. "i'm sorry i-"

Ren couldn't do it. she was overwhelmed by Niall's big blue eyes. she shook her head stepping back again. "i'm sorry," she repeated before heading for the door.

Ren really didn't know what she got herself into. She didn't know how much longer she could act normal as she fell for Niall more and more with each passing day.

Ren all but blocked Niall from her life only turning towards his music for comfort which she really wasn't proud of.

the fall rolled around and soon enough Niall's album was out on full display. just listening to it, Ren's heart broke. he sang about heart break and love and home and things he wished he had. some songs brought tears to her eyes because she did that. she inspired that and she pushed that away.

Ren felt the self loathing coming on as she rolled out of bed. all of the thoughts were jumbled around in her head. her migraine was excruciating. the rain pounded down on the windows. Ren frowned, pulling a clean cup out of her cupboard. she turned the kettle on and slumped down in a chair.

Ren clicked through her notifications. she found twitter to be annoying these days. her follower count has gone up but the many of them are just dying for her to tweet someone even remotely related to Niall.

Ren shook her head, setting her phone down. she poured herself a cup of tea and started to get ready for her day. she had meetings lined up from nine up until seven when she could finally leave.

Ren flipped through her wardrobe only settling when she found a t-shirt dress that would come across dressy but in reality she could care less. Ren threw on a jean jacket and a pair of boots and deemed herself presentable.

and so it began.

the lot of Ren's meetings focused upon her image which was annoying. Her boss, Louise wouldn't let it go. especially after her blow up with niall- in front of a lot of important people.

Ren drug her feet all day. she sat through HR meetings and tech meetings and lectures about what good interview etiquette was. apparently co-writers were spotted getting friendly with a few of their sources.

Ren all but cried when she got into her car. it was definitely one of the hardest days of her life for some reason. Louis begged her to come out but Harry had already asked to look over some songs with her.

reluctantly, ren agreed. she brought louis along because really, life is hard without her person with her.

Ren nearly collapsed on harry's couch. she whined at harry to take her shoes off of her aching feet. harry with a roll of his eyes agreed.

only then did she realize that harry wasn't alone. Niall emerged from the bathroom, greeting her with a bright smile. "long time no see, eh? how's things?"

"fine," ren sat upright. she cleared her throat awkwardly, smoothing her dress out. "and with you?"

"good," Niall nodded. "will i see you at the album release party tomorrow?"

"dunno i might have plans or something," she shrugged.

"lies," louis shook his head. "we'll be there."

"sick!" he grinned. "i'll mark you two down."

Ren knew one day eventually she'd thank louis and harry for their interjections but right now, she was beyond aggravated with them.

"so here's a few songs i've been working on," harry handed her a couple of papers. "let me know what you think."

Ren read them over trying to forget how intensely niall was staring at her. it was distracting and Ren was sure her face was deceiving her as a hot blush made its way over her.

Ren shifted in her seat. Niall watched her.

"so these are good," ren nodded. "i really like the vibe you've got going on- little bit of heartbreak, little bit of john mayer. it works."

"thanks," harry smiled.

and niall thought it was so interesting how everyone around Ren just seeked her approval. he was a little curious and somehow proud because well... he didn't really know why. Niall got her approval sometimes and that made him proud too. with harry it seemed a bit different because he was much more experienced than Niall and he seemed more put together but as it turns out, Ren keeps people put together.

"what'd you study in uni?" Niall asked before he had time to stop himself.

"i studied journalism with a minor in songwriting. i ended up getting my bachelors in it a few years ago," ren nodded. "so i do know a little bit about music."

"i never knew that," he replied quietly. "so like you could potentially have a career song writing?"

"i guess," ren shrugged. "i would never, though. because writing is really what i love."

Niall nodded. "okay."

"so how about some drinks?" Harry asked, standing up.

"i'll have a red!" Ren replied almost immediately.

"do you have any white?" louis asked, sitting up. "red gives me nightmares."

harry laughed, nodding. He went to the kitchen to start the drinks.

"i'll help harry," Ren stood up. "Niall, a drink?"

"a beer is fine," he smiled, nodding. he watched Ren walk away flustered. she shook her head as she walked into the kitchen.

louis laughed, shaking his head. "i swear some things don't change. Ren was a proper nerd in high school. couldn't talk to blokes to save her life. even now."

"so who's the boy?" Niall asked, raising an eyebrow.

"ah," Louis laughed. "the million dollar question. i won't spill her secrets."

"is it someone I know?" Niall asked. "so i can make sure he stays the hell away from her."

louis let out a strangled groan, rubbing his face. "i can't tell. she'll kill me. i'm sorry."

"well if you tell me than i can promise you that you'll have harry wrapped around your little finger by the end of this month," Niall raised an eyebrow.

Louis was torn. he stood up. "a drink, Niall?"

Niall laughed, "come on!"

louis chuckled, sitting down. "Ren is special especially to me. she- she needs to do this on her own because like this bloke she likes is very special to her and her finally saying who it is would be like her overcoming a fear or obstacle or something. Ren needs this to better herself in a way."

"yeah but... she's so vague about it," Niall shrugged. "and i just don't see why it's a big deal if I know. you know and harry knows and even liam knows. i know we're not like best friends but i don't get why it has to be a big secret- oh." Niall's eyes widened.

Louis's eyes widened too- his in fear for what Ren would do to him. "Niall you can't- i didn't tell you! i did not utter those words to you, do you hear me?"

"she..." Niall trailed off. "i didn't think- i didn't think she fancied me. she's so standoffish sometimes and it really messes with me but fuck, louis. do you know what this means?"

"that i'm absolutely dead," Louis cried. "that i'll never get my person. that Ren will kill me before i even get to fall in love!"

"no!" Niall laughed, sitting up. "everything's gonna work out!"

Ren and Harry came back seconds later. Ren handed Niall his drink and sat back down across from him. Harry handed Louis his with a wink. (louis was melting)

"so what did i miss?" Harry asked, settling back in his seat.

"nothing much," Niall shrugged. "louis and i chatted about the album party."

"yeah?" harry asked. "should i bring a present?"

"for what?" Niall laughed.

"dunno," harry shrugged. "congratulations? i like to give gifts."

"gifts aren't necessary but i appreciate the thought," Niall smiled. "just bring yourself and i'll be thrilled."

"are you excited for the party?" louis asked, sitting up. "heard Beyoncé's gonna be there."

"yeah she is," Niall chuckled. "she's a good friend. i stayed with her and drake a few years ago. they're fuckin wild."

Ren finished her glass of wine and stood up, heading back into the kitchen. she came back with the bottle this time and promptly sat back down.

"rough day," harry explained.

Ren shook her head, "you've no idea."

"everything alright?" Niall asked.

"did you know that ignorant newly hired employees have caused lots and lots of pain for our office," Ren shook her head. "because of the habitual flirting, HR has decided that the sexual relations between interviewers and interviewees has been banned and so we sat through a three hour seminar on why it should be banned."

"so like... anyone you've ever interviewed?" Niall asked. "like you couldn't shag someone you interviewed."

"arse if i know," Ren shrugged, pouring another glass of wine. "i was watching netflix as the stupid bloke went over it."

"and apparently my image is hurting magazine sales," ren shook her head. she paused, chugging the glass of wine. "and so i've been put on temporary leave until things settle down."

"i had no idea..." Niall trailed off. "my team... they... it wasn't supposed to hurt you."

"well it did," she shrugged, pouring the last of the wine into her glass. she frowned, shaking her head. "the hell, harry? it's gone."

"i think that's enough anyways," Harry nodded. "remember what we talked about?"

"oh bugger off!" Ren shouted, leaning back.  "i can drink as much as i very well please."

"yes well i was informed that you didn't want to embarrass yourself tonight," harry raised an eyebrow. "or did you just lie?"

"i don't bloody care!" ren cried. "i'm nearly fired, the boy i fancy barely even looks at me, my mum refuses to talk to me, what have i got to lose?"

Harry sighed, "ren."

ren finished her last glass of wine and grabbed her purse off of the table. "lou grab my shoes. i'll drive you home."

"no way in hell are you driving," louis stood up. he took her keys from her and tossed them to harry. "sit down, we're gonna be here for a long time."

"louis!" she whined stomping her feet. "i just wanna go home."

"i'll-i'll drive you," Niall stood up.

"no!" ren whined, trying to push him away.

Niall sighed. he picked Ren up, throwing her over his shoulder. he grabbed her shoes and her purse and headed for the door.

"let me go!" Ren shouted, kicking her feet. "everyone's gonna see me bum!"

Niall shook his head, opening the front door. "i'm taking you home."

"how do i know you won't kidnap me?" ren asked, voice softer.

"i promise," Niall told her. he set her down next to the passenger side of her car. he unlocked the door with an arm wrapped around her waist partly because he didn't trust her, and party because it was way too much fun to make Ren blush.

Niall buckled Ren in and closed the door. she looked angry but maybe it was just because Niall had taken her liberties away for two seconds.

Niall got in the car and sighed. "where do you live?"

"not telling," ren turned away, lips curling into a smile.

Niall laughed, "Ren, tell me."

"i forget," she shrugged, still smiling.

"you're not even drunk enough to forget," he laughed. "tell me."

"just drive and i'll tell you," Ren told him.

"i don't believe you but fine," he laughed, starting the car.

needless to say, ren was hungry so was it really her fault that she got her house and mcdonald's mixed up?

Niall shook his head, laughing. "ren this is mcdonald's."

she gasped, unbuckling her seatbelt. "what? i was almost positive this was my apartment."

"your hungry?" Niall asked.

Ren nodded, sitting up. she smiled so eagerly that like Niall couldn't possibly say no. Niall chuckled. "very well."

for a brief moment it felt like this was what he was meant to be doing. and then Niall felt a pang of sadness hit him because the chances of this happening were slim.

"you have to put your shoes on," Niall told her, handing her shoes.

ren rolled her eyes, begrudgingly taking them. "don't boss me around, alright?"

"whatever you say," Niall chuckled.

Niall and ren walked into Mcdonalds a few moments later. he thought for sure they'd be recognized. then they were.

"can i have two number ones, uh extra fries," Niall ordered. "ren what do you want?"

Ren laughed, leaning against the counter. "funny."

"no," Niall laughed. "uh also a chocolate milkshake, a large soda and hm... ren anything special you'd like?"

"i want a chocolate milk," she straightened up, smiling.

"how old are you," Niall asked, eyebrow raised.

"i'm twenty six!" she cried. "twenty six year olds and everyone can enjoy chocolate milk!"

"whatever you say," he laughed.

"what's this stigma with chocolate milk?" ren asked. "anyone over the age of seven is ostracized?"

Niall laughed, "for a second i was fooled that you were actually sober but now i'm not so sure."

ren rolled her eyes at him. "i need to call Louis."

"why?" Niall asked.

"to tell him where i'm at. i'm sure he's wondering why in the hell you've kidnapped me," ren shook her head. "he's gonna be pissed."

"the only one pissed is you," he laughed, taking her phone. he shoved it into his pocket. "we're gonna eat and then i'll take you home."

"sir, your order is ready," the cashier said, pointing to the food on the counter. "was there anything else you needed?"

"no i think we're good," Niall smiled. "thanks though."

"no problem," he smiled.

"and hey, i uh i saw you taking some photos just- don't post them for a while, yeah?" Niall asked.

"oh i uh- okay," he nodded.

"thanks," Niall smiled, handing ren the empty cup (as she was begging to hold something)

Niall knew he rags would get their hands on this and somehow he really didn't care. he knew ren would but that was just a problem to worry about tomorrow.

sure enough, when Niall woke up the next morning, their faces were plastered on the sun. Niall couldn't find it in himself to be bothered by it.  

Ren looked more drunk than he realized as they walked into the restaurant. there were some good photos, he wouldn't lie. most of them was Ren hanging off of Niall or ren stealing Niall's food or Ren falling as they tried to leave.

ren rolled over, eyebrows furrowed. she smelled like fast food. for a moment she was confused before the events of last night came rushing back to her.

louis sat down next to Ren and chuckled. he leaned over and pulled a french fry out of her hair. "rough night?"

"just tell me how bad it is," Ren mumbled, pulling the sheets up to her chin.

"well," louis pulled her phone out. "i found it to be very endearing- Niall did too however the general public thinks it was hm unclassy? trashy? not cute."

"well i had a bad day," ren grumbled.

"fixed it," louis announced with a smile.

'bad days make for even drunker nights LOL soz.'

"wow you handled that with grace and nonchalance," ren snorted, sitting up. "oh bloody hell. niall's party is tonight isn't it?"

"it is," louis laughed. "and we're going now get up you've a meeting today."

"with who?" ren asked. "i got fired."

"you got fired?" louis asked, confused.

"well after last night i'm pretty sure i've been deemed unfit to represent the magazine," Ren shrugged.

"well it's with niall's producer, Liam and the sales director," Louis shrugged. "dunno. the meetings in a couple hours. shower yourself you smell like fast food."

Ren grunted, getting out of bed. "you're a really great friend, Lou."

"thanks peaches," he kissed her on the head. he frowned, pulling another french fry out of her messy curls. "seriously, ren did you bath in them last night?"

Ren laughed, "i wouldn't be surprised, honestly."

"so you are credited with helping Niall with six songs?" Jim, sales director asked.

"yeah i guess," ren nodded.

"yeah there was Wolves, Where do broke hearts go, erm Olivia, Never enough, Girl Almighty, and Better than words."

"right," Ren nodded. "yeah six."

"so here i have your royalties," Jim said, handing her a very large check. "i just need you to sign this paper stating that you've indeed received them and from here on out we can't be held accountable for the money."

"um okay," ren replied dumbly, she sighed the paper hesitantly.

Liam gave her a smile, "ya alright?"

"uh yeah," she chuckled. "i just- i didn't expect this."

"enjoy," Liam smiled. "go on a vacation. treat yourself."

"i think i just might," Ren chuckled. "thanks so much."

"no problem," Liam smiled. "will i see you tonight?"

"uh maybe," she shrugged. "dunno if Niall wants to be seen with me after last night."

"oh please," liam chuckled. "trust me, it's funny more than anything. don't worry about it. people will forget about it by next week. come. it'd mean a lot to niall."

"yeah i might," ren nodded, sitting back in her chair. and she just might have the time of her life tonight.

Louis and Ren showed up together. She wore a blue dress that louis said fit her in all the right places. she wasn't entirely convinced but that wasn't the point. Ren wanted to have some fun and Louis promised her a good time.

as soon as Harry spotted Louis, he dragged him away to talk to everyone. Ren went to the bar, ordering a martini. she sat down and drank it slowly. she was too sober to properly have fun especially with all of these important people around.

Ren spotted Beyoncé dancing with her husband and even Selena. Ren tried not to be jealous as she talked to Niall. he looked very interested in what she had to say.

Ren rolled her eyes, ordering another drink. Charlie sat down next to her with a grin. "drinking all by yourself?"

"yeah," she chuckled. "my friends went off. I think? not sure. i shouldn't have come."

"Niall horan parties are where it's at," Charlie told her.

"i guess," Ren shrugged. she looked around. "i feel like everyone's staring at me."

"oh," he chuckled. "the article?"

"you saw it too?" ren all but cried.

"yes," he laughed. "i can assure you they're all looking at you because of that dress and not that stupid article."

"right," she chuckled, standing up.

"charlie!" a voice shouted. ren cringed. she thought she was ready but really, she wasnt. "glad you could make it."

"wouldn't miss it for the world," charlie grinned.

"ren," Niall greeted her. "feeling better?"

"uh yeah," she forced out a smile. "i suppose."

"good," Niall smiled. "you look, great by the way. new dress?"

"yes actually," Ren played with the hem of her dress. "i seemed to have received quite a bit of money recently? know anything about it?"

"ah," Niall chuckled. "the royalties. they're treating you well i hope?"

"they are," ren nodded. "to a new dress and a fresh manicure," she held her hand up for proof.

"good i'm glad," Niall nodded.

"so..." charlie cleared his throat. "ren wanna dance?"

Niall watched her intently waiting for her answer. he held his breath. Ren looked torn. she frowned, setting her glass down.

"i uh-"

"come on you love this song!" charlie exclaimed. "remember when we-"

"charlie no," she shook her head. "i'm not really in a dancing mood."

"well come find me later," he told her, kissing her on the cheek.

“so you slept with him," Niall commented quietly.

"months ago before I’d ever met you- before I even wrote the article,” Ren told him. "i didn't sleep with him again it was just stupid i don't know why he'd bring it back up i told him it was..."

Niall wondered why Ren was so desperate to get him to believe her. well he knew. Niall wanted Ren to figure it out herself, as Louis had said.

"i believe you," Niall nodded, eyes softening. "charlie's a great guy and if you wanted to dance with him then i think you should."

"no i don't," she shook her head. "he'd just complicate things more. i'm trying to clean my image up, you know?"

Niall nodded, "yeah i get it."

"yeah," ren nodded. "i actually brought you something."

"no you didn't have to..." he trailed off.

Ren waved him off, reaching over the stool to grab the gift. she handed it to him with a smile. "it's nothing big."

Niall opened it carefully he smiled when he finally got all of the paper off. "ren."

"you left some of your notes behind and i was gonna give them back but i figured this was a bit nicer," she shrugged.

Ren framed a few of the lyrics they wrote together. it wasn't anything big but niall's heart swelled because Ren took the time to make it and she was excited to give it to him.

"thank you," he smiled. he pulled her into a tight hug. "this means a lot."

"no problem," she replied quietly.

"you know this album couldn't have happened without you," Niall told her. he set the picture frame down on the bar.

"that's not true," she shook her head.

"no it is, though. you were always there to push me and help me find these things within me. i've written the most vulnerable music because of you. i don't think i can ever repay you for that."

"Niall all of that was in you... you were just too afraid to go against the brand your team made for you," ren shook her head. "but i'm really proud of what you've become."

"thanks," Niall smiled. "so i was hoping you'd consider touring with me."

"i don't know," ren sighed. "there's some things i really have to do... for myself."

"it'd mean a lot..." Niall told her, voice filled with hope.

"at this point i'm not even sure i have a job anymore," ren shook her head. "and i've been doing a lot of thinking. i got a job offer in london to write for the Daily Mirror."

"but... Ren that's a tabloid," Niall furrowed his eyebrows.

"i know," she nodded. "but it's good money and-"

"but you have money," Niall argued. "the royalties- the money keeps coming from them."

"but the money is coming from you, Niall. i cant live a life knowing that where i'm at is just because of a few songs. it's like i owe you something."

"but working for a tabloid is like-is like a slap in the face don't you think? these magazines that have put you through hell, you're gonna go and work for?"

"i don't know what else to do!" she cried.

"take a break," Niall told her. "i can give you a job. a good one."

"but do you understand that you giving me a job is like- it's not what i want," she shook her head. "every time we end up sort of friends you-you always do stuff like this. why can't you just leave things be?"

"because i'm running out of excuses to see you!" he cried. "i try and i try but it's like- it's like you don't even care. i reach out and it's good for two seconds before you just close in on yourself."

"it's not as easy as you think," ren argued. "you're not exactly the easiest person to talk to."

"what's that supposed to mean?" Niall asked, offended.

"you're like- your mister popstar. you've got girls that follow you around and fans that would kill me if they could! you're not approachable and the signals you've sent me are confusing!"

okay. so Niall needed to send her explicit signals, ones that couldn't be confused for friendliness or platonicness. easy enough.

Ren was staring at niall, eyes wide with frustration. she looked like she was ready to burst. niall smiled.

"what are you smiling at?" she asked angrily.

"you," Niall replied softly.

"we are in the middle of a fight!" she yelled. "wipe that smile off of your face and argue back!"

in one swift motion, Niall stepped forward and cupped her face with one hand, her hip in another. she was nervous. Niall smiled one last time before catching her lips in a hesitant kiss. with her back pressed against the bar, Niall kissed ren the way he's imagined it so many times before. their lips moved together in sync and Niall thought this, this is what kisses are meant to be like.

Niall licked into Ren's mouth, tangling his hands through her hair. Niall was almost frantic as he kissed her. it was like the last four months of self control were coming out in full blast. Ren's soft fingers brushed against his neck and then his chin.

Ren pulled away with a blissed smile on her face. she brushed her thumb over niall's lips and kissed him one more time for good measure.

"let me... let me take care of you," Niall whispered. "write my book."

"what?" ren asked, eyebrows raised in confusion. "a book?"

Niall nodded. "i've read your articles and you've got an amazing writing style and my team has been on me about producing something personal that my fans will appreciate and i've been tossing the idea of a book around and- i want you to help me."

ren crossed her arms over her chest. "is this an excuse to see me?"

"yes," he breathed out, pulling her in by the hips. Niall kissed her again, this time more languidly without much purpose but to kiss her.

Liam pulled Niall away from Ren. "Niall."

Niall frowned. "what? i was in the middle of something."

"speech," Liam told him. he gave Ren an apologetic look. "sorry. the people are getting anxious."

Niall kissed Ren chastely on the lips. "this isn't over, understand?"

Ren raised an eyebrow, looking up at him. "are you telling me what to do?"

"yes," he told her. he kissed her again. "i am."

"you're lucky you're cute, you know that?" Ren shook her head.

"stop flirting!" Liam yelled, laughing. he had to physically drag Niall away from Ren because she was such a distraction to Niall.

a few days later, Ren found herself unabashedly at a cafe in new york city. they were sitting outside as the warm september air kept them cool. anyone could see them.

"so i don't know much about book writing," Ren told Niall. the waiter set a cup of coffee down in front of her. she smiled, "thank you."

"just think of it like a big interview," Niall offered. "it'll be easy."

"no it'll be a lot of headaches and a hell of a lot of coffee," Ren chuckled.

"yeah but like there's no deadline so it's finished when it's finished," Niall told her. he opened the menu with such nonchalance that Ren really wanted to kiss him senseless. "so you can come with me on tour."

"why do you want me to tour with you so bad?" Ren asked, leaning forward.

"because i feel guilty," Niall finally admitted. "because where you're at with your career is partly my fault. i mean, my team literally drove you to drink and i feel like i need to repay you for it."

"you don't need you to repay me for anything," Ren chuckled. "trust me. i've given you a lot of shite the past couple of months."

"i don't mind that," Niall shook his head. "but please think about it."

"i will," ren nodded. "but i'm not making any promises."

"and you'll write the book with me?" Niall asked hopefully.

Ren let out a deep sigh. her lips curled into a smile and she rolled her eyes. "fine."

[sanrosa]

4:11 am

despite having such a stressful week, i’m still here. and here i am, listening to The Anxiety - an album by Willow and Tyler Cole [Believe That is one of the best songs out here]. either way, i’m taking this moment to seriously talk to myself. because, listen, being in your very own zone and thoughts for a reeeally long time can mess with your brain sometimes and your soul then starts to feel weird and sad, you know. you start noticing so many things about the world and about yourself, both beautiful and tragic. these are scary times man, thank you Lord God that i am still good, because i have been feeling pretty weak (emotionally, not physically) and very melancholic, just 2 hours ago i was crying. and honestly, these tears did not feel too much like tears of just sadness, or anger, or sorrow or tiredness. they were tears of all this sadness, anger, sorrow and heavy tiredness infused together to built up this just really heavy emotion i could not and cannot explain. to be truly honest, it felt or feels like i am fighting this battle with myself which has been going on through out my teen years. the last time i feel like i was pretty happy and really, really, actually did not care much was 2015, 14 years and blooming. thereafter, boys came into the mix, school and education became something to be serious about, family issues are really coming clear and i’m realizing how messed up a lot of things are. but hey, smoke a blunt and forget all about that shit right? yeah man. i guess the only thing (besides a joint) that i could say would save me is music. honestly, music has been such a cure for my sometimes confused soul for the longest time, it is pretty crazy. the only thing that allowed my soul to feel some sort of relation to this world [because hey, i can really feel like i am not from this planet sometimes] - is m.u.s.i.c. the work of art that connects to a soul like no other.

well, i could go on and on about this and how i’ve been feeling. but really, i am trying to get to the aftermath; what i have gathered from this fuzzy, messy phase i have been experiencing.

side-note: i’d just like to thank my sister for opening my eyes to many things - an angel this one  ❤️

But basically, the idea that ‘I’m bad at loving’ or ‘I don’t know how to love’ could not just simply lie with my astrological placements, my numerological numbers, nor just my upbringing throughout childhood. Sure, they play a bit of a part here and there. Well technically a large part. Howeverrrr, this idea is also up to me and my soul; how it feels connected to love. How do I feel about love? How do I take it? How do I think perhaps I should take it? How do I think perhaps I should give it? How do I feel about the love I have for myself?

These are questions I’ve never really asked myself. And thus, I cannot tell how I actually am in love. Love is still some conceptual factor, an imaginable feeling that I’m still trying to pinpoint as to what it is about, while trying to make scenarios of it from how other people sweetly present it to be. But, well, as long as I feel that way about it, that is how it will feel about me, I guess. As long as I’m not sure of it and stay scared of it, it will stay scared of me and won’t be sure of me - and that’s actually where it all lies. Not even just in relationships, though they are playing a large into why I am even contemplating this - but for myself. Just myself. Loving myself. The endless self-doubt, judging, uncertainty, nitpicking and deep self-pity, 🙄😞  However, one thing I can believe is that it attacks us all. These thoughts and feelings of ourselves hit all of us at some point, and hey, there is nothing wrong with it. Actually, one grows from that. And I guess... I guess this is my growth. For sure it feels like craappp, especially when it becomes so deep, wooh.. But it’s also pretty cool to think; this is part of the experience. I will grow from this one day. In fact, right now, I’m growing out of it. My plan for this blog post was to write something positive about myself, I didn’t think of what it will be exactly, but just something to really put some light & warmth into a place that I am in that feels really dark and cold. It may not seem much, but also, I don’t want to make it seem irrelevant, it’s a big step towards a whole lot of self love, self appreciation, self gratitude and just being a best friend to myself again rather than the battle I’ve been encountering. A lifelong friendship that consists of nothing but pure love and respect. So; here goes day one of these little letters:

Hey sweet-love.

As much as we’ve kinda said everything we’re sort of feeling, I feel I need to share this with you.

Well, yes, at times it feels easier to express cynical, dark thoughts, and you’re prone to feeling doubtful about tons of things in your daily existence, especially right now, who knows maybe the moon is in Capricorn (we’re not checking). however, I’m not sure you realize this, but your mind is quite a beautiful place. period. it’s just beautiful, filled with pleasant, funny, quirky thoughts and wild imaginations, i get it, man. and that alone just makes it so fucking amazing. but, it does not stop there, you know that? there are things you have never thought of, like ever, in this world. but if you were to, those thoughts would still say kind-hearted and sometimes hilarious and amazing because you are the same person who knows to think in a beautiful and funny way. in all the time you’ve had your brain thinking, 99,999999% of those thoughts come from a place that tries to bring beauty, light-heartedness and ‘harmony’, whatever the case. and also, 99,999999% of the time, you have made it through all the horrible events that were supposed to bring you down. because your mind knows eeasily how to get back to that place of just beauty, light-heartedness and harmony. but okay, what i am also trying to bring into light now, is that sure you like light-hearted, chilled vibe, and that is good, it’s pretty awesome man (you’re needed in this life). but for the love part. the love. love, love, love. awe, you also like/want the light-hearted vibe huh? alright that is cool, you know. but to have an actually deeper, heavier feeling of love for yourself is so, so, so important i cannot stress it enough. many, many, many things will try to bring you down in this life. from unexpected events, and cloggy situations, to pesty, puny, invalid thoughts of people who feel entitled and hurtful incidences caused by matters of racism, sexism, ageism, etc. and bit by bit, all these things can stress you out because lol as much as you may seem non-caring, some stories to stick with you because ‘you love with a passion or hate a passion’, no grey areas. but, leaving all those external factors, all of them, you come to realize that sometimes, when you sit alone in the dark, you can feel lonely , and find it hard to feel whole. so okay, to realize that and become conscious of it - first step. now, actually taking the time to dig deep, deep, deep within and enter this place that has you thinking of love as some distant feeling, this cold-ish place that really has needed warmth for the longest time now. this place, it’s in you, it needs and demands your attention. you keep closing it and brushing it off cause hey, you’re still living right? no worries, right? nope, the time has come. winter has come and it, is, cold. cold as hell that place that is now about to light up and become so warm, so affectionate, it’s not afraid of love no more, it doesn’t find it cheesy. it’s letting these things be, while opening the throat chakra to when a certain aspect is not making you comfortable or making you feel right, you speak about it, you’re true to yourself now, because you’ve finally upped the bar for the love you have for yourself. the love is so much now, that you’re not afraid to share it with others too, without any sort of feeling of anxiousness or something similar. the main focus now is on screwing those pipes properly that line up with your heart and mind. the agenda has always been soul and mind expression, no heart. but now, now the heart is taking a stand to say ‘hey, it’s become rather chilly in here, heat it up and let me illuminate’ lol, okay yeah you get the point.

Sandy, your heart is lovely and it is filled with so much love. Don’t just give to people, light-heartedly. Give it to yourself, deeply, whole-heartedly, with every ounce you have let it ooze affection. Allow to surround you while making you a warm, softer person who’s no longer afraid of love, but appreciates it, acknowledges it, accepts it as this pure feeling that makes everything beautiful out of a warm transpiration

I love you.  ❤️

- Sandy of June 18th 2020.

[played The Anxiety - Entertain while writing this] 6:07 am