#this fic is partly why i've been writing so rarely lately

[starkerscoop]

I’m going to lose my mind

[synobun]

One of them tag games

So I wasn't actually tagged by @cour5t in this, but I was tagged by @rosewinterborn in a very similar game, so I'm stealing the first and pretending it's the second, since the second had a few questions that didn't apply to me x)

Last song: I'm gonna do the last song I've had on repeat for this!

Favorite color: I never know what to say for this. Black? Dark red? Dark purple? Dark green? That whole colour palette is the bomb dot com.

Last movie/show: The last movie I watched that was new was Nimona! It was fantastic, 10/10 lives up to the hype. The last show I finished was Reacher. It was okay.

Next on my watchlist: I've finally started watching Criminal Minds, but I'm already kind of burning out on it midway through season two. And there's still like 300 episodes left. Ridic. I should probably catch up on Foundation and For All Mankind. Next movie is the cartoon version of Mulan!

Last game: Prey! I did a replay of Doom 3 a while ago and mused that the horror story-game genre should be revived, and then on a whim I decided to play Prey without knowing anything about it. And it's the exact kind of game I was talking about. It's pretty good.

Last book: Rebirth of the Sigil by Peri Akman. It was disappointing. :/ Especially since I know what the author is otherwise capable of. I had the same thing happen with John Gwynne recently as well.

Sweet/savory/spicy: Savory, I think? I don't have an instinctive sense of what savory is. Google says it's a meaty taste, and I rely heavily on protein, so I guess that. I have a pretty low tolerance for sweetness despite liking sodas and such. I don't like most desserts or can only eat a tiny amount. Spicy is alright but my digestive system disagrees.

Relationship status: *vague gesturing*

Last thing I searched online: The hours for my pharmacy to see if it was too late to pick up my medication.

Current obsession: I am generally not an obsessive person when it comes to, like, interests and activities. But I am an obsessive person when it comes to thoughts and emotions. Lately I've been struggling a lot with thinking about eternity. It has not been fun. On a lighter note, I have also been thinking more regularly about writing. Perhaps someday that will translate into action!

Greatest flaw: How much time do you have? This is actually something I have difficulty answering, because the line between something forced upon me and something that is actually inherent to me is blurred a lot of the time.

I think I'd say how I behave when I'm spiraling mentally. I close off and disappear from almost everyone in my life. Occasionally I can keep up appearances with one group but not the rest, but by and large I become a ghost. When I am in a conversation during those cycles, it's crazy how badly I'm affected. I don't become cruel or mean toward others, but my speech becomes jilted, I can't make eye contact, and I am just devastatingly hateful against myself.

It's partly why I isolate, so that I don't have to expose others to that behaviour. It happens on a yearly basis though, and it can last for weeks at a time, so it has a pretty negative impact on my relationships. I also have no idea how to navigate being in one of those moods while part of a relationship where daily contact is an expectation. When I was part of a romantic relationship, instead of having one big prolonged dip, I would fade in and out of it. A couple weeks good, a couple days bad. Rinse and repeat. Awful. Terrible. Annoying. There's almost no predicting when it'll happen either.

Fic I’m currently reading: I rarely read fics because I have no patience for wading through wish fulfillment, horny writing, and "He would not fucking say that" fics, so there's only one that I vaguely keep up with. My friend has a Mass Effect fic, which can be found here. It focuses on femShep(/Kaidan) and Tali(/Garrus) and is post-ME3.

-----

I tag anyone who sees this and actually made it to the end, tbh. But for sake of poking, I tag @rosewinterborn with this variant, and also @deadlyessencewhispers, @tananaphone, @stupid-elf, @carrotblr, @atinydroid, @imtryingx, and, uh, uh... I don't know... let's see... @kkshowtunes, @d3viantvanguard, and @awritingcaitlin. I probably just tagged everyone who follows me. Anyway thanks bye

[dangerously-human]

4, 20, 21, 22, 25 :)

I will confess that responding to your ask took the longest, because you asked the WONDERFUL question that involved combing through a bunch of my own writing to find something I liked and wanted to talk about, which was quite fun but anyway, that's why this response is kinda late!

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

This is a snippet from the Sparky imprint fic. I'm fond of it because everyone feels in character, even Sheppard, who is turning out to be difficult to write dialogue for:

The minutes feel interminable - and really, she should be accustomed by now to the time dilation that seems to occur whenever she’s worrying over Colonel Sheppard - but in reality, probably fewer than five minutes actually pass before he starts to stir. Elizabeth lets out a long, unsteady breath. To her surprise, when John’s eyes flicker open, his pupils focus with no problem - so it’s possible he’s not even concussed.

“Hey,” she says softly. “Nice to have you back with us.”

His forehead furrows in confusion. “I distinctly remember being upright before,” he says. “How long ago did I decide to take a little nap?”

Rodney’s gaze flicks to Elizabeth like he’s seeking permission to make a joke, but at the unguarded ferocity in her expression, he clearly thinks better of it. “You haven’t been out that long, maybe five minutes,” he explains. “You managed to catch the device before it hit the floor, and then - and then you hit the floor instead,” he finishes lamely.

John winces. “Any idea what that thing does? Other than knock me on my ass, I mean.”

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

This question makes me wish I was the kind of writer who included such Easter eggs. Um, well, I always write Endeavour fic with nods to my firm headcanon that Morse has ADHD, even when it isn't totally relevant to the story at hand. In writing his and Joan's daughters for later chapters of A Shifting Cadence, I've been determined to get across that at least their youngest, Zoe, also has ADHD, and while I'm not sure that I'll be able to work it in, I've spent a LOT of time working on squeezing in a bit about her getting diagnosed and Joan raising an eyebrow at Morse when she hears what this ADD (as it would have been in the 80s) business is all about.

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

I sometimes have an idea that makes me really wish I could draw or paint, because it's more of a visual than a story, but I don't have that particular skill at this point. I'm not sure that any of the stories I actually end up telling would work in another medium, though. Maybe one day I'll write more fic poetry, that was a really fun challenge with Love, to You, Is last year.

22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

Some of them! I feel like I end up rereading Just Once and Still Here every couple months, partly because they're some of my faves and partly because there just isn't a lot of Continuum fic to begin with. I still like most of my more recent writing, although some of it makes me cringe a little (I very rarely reread A Thousand Reasons, for example, because it's hard not to focus on everything I'd do differently if I wrote it now); my older stuff is from so many years ago that even what would probably count as embarrassing feels like the product of passion from a younger self, so I can excuse it, ya know?

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Answered here

[backslashdelta]

just for the record I have never not wanted to hear you talk about the things you enjoy. also I've been thinking lately about tumblr as a platform and how, while i love the loyalty to the chronological feed, it does mean that things can get lost in the shuffle - if I post something when other people happen to not be online, it won't get attention even if people totally would have liked it/interacted with it if they saw it. so that's just to say that you shouldn't feel weird about reblogging your own things - that's something that I've been thinking I should do more often, and that creators in general should feel free to do! even if I've already seen a post of yours, I will probably be more than happy to see it again.

Thanks! This is a really sweet message, and I appreciate it very much 🥰

Like logically I know that some people want to hear the things I have to say and see the things I need to show, and I've never posted anything that hasn't been shown at least a little bit of love, so I even have evidence to back it up.

But also the fact of the matter is that there are people who don't want to hear me – or anyone else, for that matter – talk about certain things. And that's not actually a problem! That's totally fine! There are things that I don't really care to hear other people talking about, either. That's why we can filter tags, and use that as a way to keep following people and ignore the things they post about that we either dislike or are otherwise just indifferent about.

And like obviously I'm not suggesting that's a bad thing, I enthusiastically encourage people to filter whatever they want and curate their online space, and I do that as well. It's just that I also know for a fact that there are people who follow me and I follow them who don't want to see me talk about that certain ship, or that particular character, who don't want to see my art or gifsets or read my fanfic or whatever.

I literally cannot stress enough that this isn't a bad thing. The point of fandom is to be able to engage with the things that interest you, and ignore the things that don't. But I've personally felt, since a young age, that the things I liked weren't interesting to other people, and so I should keep them to myself. Tumblr has helped with that mindset, but my initial reaction to knowing someone wants to specifically avoid something I like, especially if they're a friend, is to feel like I should keep it to myself in general, even though I know other people do enjoy it. I think it's partly a result of how conflict-averse I am. It's not even a conflict, but I just don't want to ruffle any feathers or annoy anyone and have to come anywhere close to a conflict, so it's easier to just shut up about it.

I don't know. There are places that I've wanted to share certain things, but I don't because I talk myself out of it thinking that nobody will care. And part of that is true, they won't; there's no point in me sharing a fic I wrote for ship X when everybody in the group likes ship Y and is either indifferent to or straight up dislikes ship X. But sometimes I wonder if those decisions are because it's just not the best place for it, or if I'm doing it from a place of fear and insecurity.

Ultimately, it's not a huge deal. I'm psycho-analyzing myself right now I guess, but I'm not that upset about this, and ultimately I do end up sharing my work and my thoughts and people do engage positively with the things I put out into the world and I've rarely gotten negative interactions, so I'd call that a win.

But I'll also probably continue to feel a little weird everytime I promote myself in some way. And I'll continue to warn people that they might not want to read my writing for xyz reason because I think there will always be at least a little part of me that has that thought in the back of my head that something that is self-indulgent to me must not be interesting to anyone else.

I still appreciate knowing you feel this way, though. And I'm sure you're not the only person who does, and Tumblr as a whole really is a huge help in trying to combat that mindset, so I appreciate everyone here who engages with me in this fandom space in any way. I appreciate you all, and this has just been me talking what may or may be a lot of nonsense but I'm just feeling weirdly... pensive? philosophical? melancholy? tonight.