#this guy lost to a 60 year old. he did won over him eventually but hm

[selamat-linting]

everytime i watch clips of cm punk's time in aew its always fun, the first few minutes i'd be like "this is good. too bad punk couldn't be here to give a proper sendoff. he should have been more chill i guess. hm wonder what all the other guys are doing" and then The Death Spiral of Remembrance Begins.

[youralternantpersonality]

End My Dear Friend

Warning: n/a

A/n: Here’s the end of it. I had fun writing this. It was in my brain for the longest, but I just didn’t want to make more than 5 chapters for my stories. Anyway, let me know what you think!

Sam (19), Paul (16), and Quil (15) gave up their ability to shift when they would have respectively been around 25-27 since Emily, Rachel, and Clair would age. They have kids—Emily: 3, Rachel: 2, and Clair: pregnant (Not really mentioned, but just clarification/to give an idea).

Comment if you’d like to be tagged

Tag:  @pillowjj​ @summeerrr​

***

A year later

“Well, well, well. Look who we have here.” I turn around and smile.

“Vanity!” I run up to her and hug her. I was worried that she wouldn’t come. Having her here makes everything complete. We hear a knock on the door, and it’s Felix just to congratulate me. I give my thanks, and Vanity helps me finish up the final touches and helps me put my dress on.

It’s an Augusta Jones dress named Terri. It was something I saw and wanted ever since I was in 10th grade. The second I saw it, my heart skipped a beat, and I wanted to cry (I didn’t, I just wanted to). Vanity fluffed out the bottom of my dress and made sure it flattered me for the pictures they were about to take.

“You look so beautiful Y/n/n. If I was human, I would cry, love.” She tells me, wiping an invisible tear from her eyes. I laugh, and Alice comes in to make sure I am ready. If it wasn’t obvious, Alice volunteered/decided to be the wedding coordinator for our wedding. She rushes us to go downstairs. Because of my situation, I decided against having bridesmaids/brides-man. Instead, Jared volunteered to walk me down the aisle as a surprise.

I walk up to him and link my arm with his. My nerves start getting to me as the music changes to a soft violin musical playing.

“You ready, Blue?” I smile up at my brother of over 10 years and nod.

“More than you know, Magenta.” He squeezed my arm and proceeded to walk me down. Up ahead, I see Embry, standing there in all his glory. I made him wear a white suit to match my dress. I remember Alice threatened him if he got a single drop of even sweat on it, she will have him by the throat and shake him like a chicken.

Walking up to the man I love, I could see a tear lightly stream down his face as he tried to keep his composure. I told him before, if he doesn’t cry, I’m going to re-walk down this damn isle. He knew I was serious too. Emmett, who became our ordained minister due to a loss bet he and Embry had, patted his shoulder in support. I was scared at first, but the nerves vanished as soon as Emmett opened his mouth.

“You may be seated.” He started, “Hello. And welcome, to this beautiful wedding. A Call wedding—bringing two different beings to one. Two different species, if you will, to one. Before we dive into these shenanigans, I would like to remind everyone what happens when two worlds collide,” I can see Charlie putting his head in his hand and shaking it. Emmett proceeded for 5 minutes, making sexual innuendos but also giving blessings. Two things that should not be in the same sentence.

The reception was beautiful. The pack demolished every last bit of food there was. Emmett brought out poker cards and had Charlie, him, Jared, Embry, Paul, and Billy playing poker at my wedding. If I didn’t think that Embry and I could have more weddings in our lifetime together, and if he didn’t look like the most handsome when he was laughing, I would be pissed right now.

But Alice was.

Twenty years later

It had been twenty years since I had seen the Cullen’s. For every birthday Renesmee had, Embry, Charlie, and I would take a trip to visit them. Ren desperately wanted to have him in her life, and so, Bella and Edward introduced them to each other, so long as there was a gag order on Charlie. Not to ask any questions and just enjoy the moment.

I will say that it was a stressful time when Ren was born. Bella did survive, and as soon as she was clear, hell broke loose. The Volturi tried to kill us, but luckily Alice and Jasper had their own trick up their sleeves. If I’m honest, it was hard seeing Vanity on the other side. But when it was decided that the Cullen’s broke no law, they left. Before leaving, like the spontaneous and child-like we are, we ran to each other and hugged before leaving. I knew we’d see each other again, but it just might be a while before we do.

A few days ago, Carlisle informed me that they will be heading back for a visit. Ren wanted to have her official seventeenth birthday where she was born. Something about wanting to feel the nostalgia of it all. Here we are, Jake, Embry, Emmett, Jared, and Paul moving furniture around. Emily, Leah, Clair, Kim, Rachel, and I are fixing a buffet in the kitchen. Sam, Seth, and Orion (Leah’s imprint—who’s also a shifter) went out to get some supplies for her party. Alice and Esme are drawing up plans to renovate the house afterward. Rosalie and Jasper decided they wanted to be friendly and cordial…so she worked on her car in the garage away from everyone, and Jasper went hunting. At least they’re trying.

“OK! Bella said they should be arriving soon! And they’re bringing Ren’s friend Nadya…who’s fully human and doesn’t know shit about our world. So, let's try to be normal…Emmett.” Alice says, looking at the big guy in the middle of the room with a cheeky smile.

“What!? I am completely professional.” We all looked at him and rolled our eyes. Rosalie came back from the garage and stood next to Emmett.

“Well, look who graced us with her presence,” Paul says, sarcastically. Rachel waddles out of the kitchen and scolds him. “What!?” There was crying coming from upstairs, and Emily runs up to her desperate child. Sam, Seth, and Orion pull up with the supplies that Alice specifically wanted and allowed the pixie to do as she pleased while everyone just watched. By the time she was done, Bella, Ren, Edward, and Nadya—with Sue, Billy, and Charlie behind them—pulled up. We all hid and waited until they enter the living room.

“SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY REN!!!” to say to her, and Nadya was shocked was an understatement. They screamed and held onto each other as if they were in a horror film…I mean, aren’t they, though? As Ren introduced and hugged/welcomed everyone here, two shapeshifters caught Nadya and Ren’s eyes.

“Oh, hell no,” Edward says, looking straight at Jake. Leah and Embry's bust out laughing at what just happened to not only Jake but also Seth.

“Edward, you know we can't control it,” Jake says. Jared in the background making bets with Quil and Embry on who’s going to win.

“I say Edward.” – Jared

“No shit, he’s a dad. Of course, he is.” – Quil

“My bets on Jake. He’ll attempt to reason with him.” – Embry

“Naw, Jake tried to take Bella. This might be anger he never knew he had.” Emmett joined in, betting $20. They had a pool of $60 at this point. Then I hear,

“Join…no fight…”

“I'm going to say no fight because Ren has power over both of them.” I join in, placing a $20 while smiling. Embry and Jared look at me, and before they can say anything, “NO TAKE BACKS!” Needless to say, I won the money, and the party continued. Edward chaperoned Jake and Ren the whole night. One wrong thought from Jake and his life was done. Treaty or no treaty. Seth, on the other hand, was flirting and having a ball with Nadya. I wonder how that’s going to end up.

After the party ended and everything was cleaned up, Nadya and Ren went to bed while Alice and Esme took over in renovating parts of the house that Nadya hasn’t seen, so she isn’t suspicious. Embry and I headed back to our house just on the outskirts of Forks and La Push. I didn’t get any special treatment just because I was Embry’s mate. But if I’m honest, I’m glad I wasn’t on the Reservation. At the time, my family was still there. The only time I was allowed was to visit my grandparent's grave.

Nana died of another heart attack, and Papa died soon afterward from the loss of Nana. That year I had gone missing. Aunt Lydia and dad had a falling out. Mom and dad split after two years, multiple counseling sessions, and marriage and therapy appointments. Nothing seemed to work between the two of them. I felt terrible. It felt as if that was my fault. Embry and Jared made sure that it wasn’t. It was hard to believe them, but eventually, I knew I had to move forward one way or another.

I tried to send anonymous letters to them; it helped some, but not enough. Although, a few years ago, dad and aunt Lydia finally rekindled their relationship, and Aunt Lydia reached out to mom. It was painful for all three of them, but they finally came to a neutral ground and grieved like they should’ve all those years ago. Aunt Lydia stayed in the area and got married to her second husband. Mom moved back to Texas and eventually started dating but not for a long while. And Dad moved to Seattle, where he met an old high school sweetheart of his.

I now lay in bed with my husband on Isle Esme, a gift from Carlisle and Esme for our 20th wedding anniversary. Do you know how hard it is to not explain to the natives on the island that all the food I got wasn’t for me, but for my husband? Do you also know how irritating, yet flattering, it was to see women attempt to flirt with Embry? He was awkward and continuously looked for my help. Other times, he would pass by them and blankly ignore them.

“You know, babe. Emmett gave us this gift that I think we should try out. Then go into town for a while.” I perk up at that and look at my husband.

“Oh yeah? What is it?” I said with excitement.

“A butterfly…” he shows and explains to me what it does. We test run it, and boy, does it make you want to grab the edge of a table and break it. Ironically, that’s precisely what I did. The bastard had it on high too, and I nearly lost my shit. Needless to say, we didn’t go into town until the next morning, and he still made me keep it on.

Later that night, while Embry was asleep, I glanced at him and just felt a rush of happiness submerge deep from within. This, this right here is the life I’ve been searching for. This is the life that I will be forever grateful for.

Part 1: Hello My Dear Friend

Part 2: Goodbye My Dear Friend

Part 3: Welcome My Dear Friend

Part 4: Why My Dear Friend

Part 5: End My Dear Friend

Request Open! (Go to the description bar on my page to put one in)

[newstfionline]

Monday, January 25, 2021

Americans remain sorely divided as Biden’s quest for unity begins (Washington Post) The other day, Stu Ross, a retired elementary school teacher, threw his neighbor out of his townhouse in Harrisburg, Pa. The guy had said he saw nothing wrong with the attack on the U.S. Capitol. The two haven’t spoken since. So when Ross heard President Joe Biden’s Inauguration Day appeal for a lowered temperature, for unity, he wasn’t seeing a realistic path to that goal. Ross called the new president’s first speech “soothing and calm.” But unity? Normalcy? A return to how things used to be, to Biden’s idea that “politics doesn’t have to be a raging fire?” Come on. At the dawn of an administration that seeks to return to a less fractious, even boring, politics, many Americans grant that Biden’s quest for a quieter culture is a nice enough goal, but, from the left and right, many say the country’s divisions remain too deep to allow for such a shift. In Topeka, Kan., Ed Myers has no patience for the debate over whether to hold Donald Trump to account for his role in inciting the attempted insurrection at the Capitol. A retired farm equipment factory worker, Myers says he was suspended by Twitter after he wrote that Biden is “an illegitimate president.” The way Myers sees it: That puts him in the same boat as Trump, whose Twitter account was banned for “incitement of violence,” which Myers views as a move to stifle free speech. So no, Myers sees no reason to unify, no cause to rally around the new president to combat the virus and revive the economy.

Barred From U.S. Under Trump, Muslims Exult in Biden’s Open Door (NYT) As the results of the American presidential election rolled in on Nov. 4, a young Sudanese couple sat up through the night in their small town south of Khartoum, eyes glued to the television as state tallies were declared, watching anxiously. They had a lot riding on the outcome. A year earlier, Monzir Hashim had won the State Department’s annual lottery to obtain a green card for the United States only to learn that President Trump, in his latest iteration of the “Muslim ban,” had barred Sudanese citizens from immigrating to the United States. The election seemed to offer a second chance, and when Mr. Trump was eventually declared to have lost the vote, Mr. Hashim and his wife, Alaa Jamal, hugged with joy. Few foreigners welcomed Mr. Biden’s election victory as enthusiastically as the tens of thousands of Muslims who have been locked out of the United States for the past four years as a result of the Trump-era immigration restrictions popularly known as the “Muslim ban.” By one count, 42,000 people were prevented from entering the United States from 2017 to 2019, mostly from Muslim-majority nations like Iran, Somalia, Yemen and Syria. But the human cost of Mr. Trump’s measures, stitched into the fabric of disrupted lives stained with tears and even blood, can hardly be counted—families separated for years; weddings and funerals missed; careers and study plans upended; lifesaving operations that did not take place.

A Digital Dragnet Is Coming For The U.S. Capitol Insurrectionists (HuffPost) The insurrectionists might have been able to leave without being arrested. Their friends and family members may not have turned them in. But slowly but surely, the digital surveillance net is tightening on the supporters of former President Donald Trump who stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6. Most of the cases being unveiled by federal authorities are still originating with tips from the public, and there are hundreds of future defendants who have yet to be identified and charged. But a few of the criminal charges appear to be built on wider-spanning search warrants to social media companies that appear to have given federal authorities investigative leads they’ve used to identify lawbreakers. The cellphones that the Capitol insurrectionists carried with them when they tried to overturn the results of the presidential election through force were feeding information to a variety of tech companies that now hold incriminating information about their users’ violations of the law. “We’re all carrying tiny tracking devices with us all the time, and people aren’t necessarily conscious of the extent to which that information is obtainable from a variety of sources,” said Julian Sanchez, a senior fellow at Cato and an expert on technology, privacy and civil liberties.

Mexican president Lopez Obrador tests positive for COVID-19 (AP) Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador said on Sunday he had tested positive for COVID-19, amid an intense second wave of the coronavirus pandemic that has pushed the health system of the country’s vast capital city close to saturation. The 67-year-old president said in a tweet that his symptoms were light and he was receiving medical treatment. Lopez Obrador has maintained a busy public schedule during the pandemic and has said he enjoys good health, after suffering a serious heart attack at the age of 60 in 2013.

Spain’s virus surge hits mental health of front-line workers (AP) The unrelenting increase in COVID-19 infections in Spain following the holiday season is again straining hospitals, threatening the mental health of doctors and nurses who have been at the forefront of the pandemic for nearly a year. A study released this month by Hospital del Mar looking at the impact of the spring’s COVID-19 surge on more than 9,000 health workers across Spain found that at least 28% suffered major depression. That is six times higher than the rate in the general population before the pandemic, said Dr. Jordi Alonso, one of the chief researchers. In addition, the study found that nearly half of participants had a high risk of anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic attacks or substance- and alcohol-abuse problems. Spanish health care workers are far from the only ones to have suffered psychologically from the pandemic. In China, the levels of mental disorders among doctors and nurses were even higher, with 50% reporting depression, 45% reporting anxiety and 34% reporting insomnia, according to the World Health Organization. In the U.K., a survey released last week by the Royal College of Physicians found that 64% of doctors reported feeling tired or exhausted. One in four sought out mental health support. “It is pretty awful at the moment in the world of medicine,” Dr. Andrew Goddard, president of the Royal College of Physicians, said in a statement accompanying the study. “Hospital admissions are at the highest-ever level, staff are exhausted, and although there is light at the end of the tunnel, that light seems a long way away.”

French Roosters Now Crow With the Law Behind Them (NYT) The crow of a rooster and the ringing of a church bell at dawn. The rumble of a tractor and the smell of manure wafting from a nearby stable. The deafening song of cicadas or the discordant croaking of frogs. Quacking ducks, bleating sheep and braying donkeys. Perennial rural sounds and smells such as these were given protection by French law last week, when lawmakers passed a bill to preserve “the sensory heritage of the countryside,” after a series of widely publicized neighborhood spats in France’s rural corners, many of them involving noisy animals. The disputes symbolized tensions between urban newcomers and longtime country dwellers, frictions that have only grown as the coronavirus pandemic and a string of lockdowns draw new residents to the countryside. Perhaps the most prominent of these noisy animals was Maurice, a rooster in Saint-Pierre-d’Oléron, a town on an island off France’s western coast. His owner had been sued by neighbors—regular vacationers in the area—because he crowed too loudly. Politicians and thousands of petitioners rushed to the Gallic rooster’s defense, and a court eventually ruled in 2019 that Maurice, who died last summer at the age of six, was well within his rights. It is too late for Maurice. But his successor, Maurice II, can now crow with the full-throated confidence of someone who has the law on their side.

Davos ski resort eerily quiet without economic talkfest this year (Reuters) Student protesters who urged world leaders at the 2020 World Economic Forum in Davos to “Stop (f)lying to us” must be pleased this year, at least as far as the flying is concerned. The streets of the little Alpine town that welcomed around 3,000 business chiefs, political thinkers and state leaders for last year’s annual meeting lie deserted. Discussions have moved online, starting Monday, and COVID-19 restrictions are also keeping regular tourists away. “Look around, it’s empty. Normally, all hotels would be fully booked at this time,” Reto Branschi, head of Davos Klosters tourism, told Reuters in an interview this week. There are no helicopters patrolling the skies, no protesters trying to outwit security forces sealing off the Alpine resort. But not everybody is sad about the lack of buzz. “Complete peace and quiet,” a local woman wearing a mask said. “I don’t miss it at all.”

Trapped for 2 weeks, 11 workers rescued from China gold mine (AP) Eleven workers trapped for two weeks inside a Chinese gold mine were brought safely to the surface on Sunday, a landmark achievement for an industry long-blighted by disasters and high death tolls. Hundreds of rescue workers and officials stood at attention and applauded as the workers were brought up from the mine in Qixia, a jurisdiction under Yantai in the eastern coastal province of Shandong. The cause of the accident is under investigation but the explosion was large enough to release 70 tons of debris that blocked the shaft, disabling elevators and trapping workers underground. Such protracted and expensive rescue efforts are relatively new in China’s mining industry, which used to average 5,000 deaths per year. Increased supervision has improved safety, although demand for coal and precious metals continues to prompt corner-cutting. A new crackdown was ordered after two accidents in mountainous southwestern Chongqing last year killed 39 miners.

U.S. carrier group enters South China Sea amid Taiwan tensions (Reuters) A U.S. aircraft carrier group led by the USS Theodore Roosevelt has entered the South China Sea to promote “freedom of the seas”, the U.S. military said on Sunday, at a time when tensions between China and Taiwan have raised concern in Washington. U.S. Indo-Pacific Command said in a statement the strike group entered the South China Sea on Saturday, the same day Taiwan reported a large incursion of Chinese bombers and fighter jets into its air defence identification zone in the vicinity of the Pratas Islands. The U.S. military said the carrier strike group was in the South China Sea, a large part of which is claimed by China, to conduct routine operations “to ensure freedom of the seas, build partnerships that foster maritime security”. China has repeatedly complained about U.S. Navy ships getting close to Chinese-occupied islands in the South China Sea, where Vietnam, Malaysia, the Philippines, Brunei and Taiwan all have competing claims.

Israel targets flights, religious scofflaws, as virus rages (AP) Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Sunday said Israel will be closing its international airport to nearly all flights, while Israeli police clashed with ultra-Orthodox protesters in several major cities and the government raced to bring a raging coronavirus outbreak under control. The entry of highly contagious variants of the virus, coupled with poor enforcement of safety rules in ultra-Orthodox communities, has contributed to one of the world’s highest rates of infections. Experts say that a lack of compliance with safety regulations in Israel’s ultra-Orthodox sector has been a major factor in the spread of the virus. Throughout the pandemic, many major ultra-Orthodox sects have flouted safety regulations, continuing to open schools, pray in synagogues and hold mass weddings and funerals despite broader lockdown orders. This has contributed to a disproportionate infection rate: The ultra-Orthodox community accounts for over one-third of Israel’s coronavirus cases, despite making up just over 10% of the population.

Arab Spring exiles look back 10 years after Egypt uprising (AP) The Egyptians who took to the streets on Jan. 25, 2011, knew what they were doing. They knew they risked arrest and worse. But as their numbers swelled in Cairo’s central Tahrir Square, they tasted success. Police forces backed off, and within days, former President Hosni Mubarak agreed to demands to step down. But events didn’t turn out the way many of the protesters envisioned. A decade later, thousands are estimated to have fled abroad to escape the government of President Abdel Fattah el-Sissi that is considered even more oppressive. The significant loss of academics, artists, journalists and other intellectuals has, along with a climate of fear, hobbled any political opposition. Human Rights Watch estimated in 2019 that there were 60,000 political prisoners in Egypt. The Committee to Protect Journalists ranks Egypt third, behind China and Turkey, in detaining journalists. El-Sissi maintains Egypt has no political prisoners. The arrest of a journalist or a rights worker makes news roughly every month. Many people have been imprisoned on terrorism charges, for breaking a ban on protests or for disseminating false news. Others remain in indefinite pretrial detentions.

Severe winds wreck homes, displace thousands in Mozambique (Reuters) Severe winds and heavy rains wrecked thousands of buildings, ruined crops and displaced almost 7,000 people in Mozambique over the weekend, officials said in their first detailed report on the disaster. Tropical cyclone Eloise hit Mozambique’s Sofala coastal province on Saturday morning before weakening and heading inland to dump rain on Zimbabwe, eSwatini—formerly known as Swaziland—and South Africa. The region’s Buzi district had been particularly hard hit with wind speeds of up to 150 kph.

Raising kids bilingual can make them more attentive and efficient as adults (CNBC) Adults who grew up speaking two different languages can shift their attention between different tasks quicker than those who pick up a second language later in life, according to a new study. This is just one of many cognitive benefits of being bilingual. Research has shown that bilingual kids are constantly switching between two languages in their brain, which increases “cognitive flexibility,” the ability to switch between thinking about different concepts or multiple concepts at once, and “selective attention abilities,” the mental process of focusing on one task or object at a time. Other studies have shown that bilingual children can complete mental puzzles quicker and more efficiently than those who only speak one language. The reason? Speaking two languages requires “executive functioning,” which are higher-level cognitive skills like planning, decision making, problem solving and organization. Basically, this task is a workout for the brain. The mental benefits of starting a new language early appear to last even as children grow into adulthood.

[missmudpie]

Name Ten Films That Have, For Whatever Reason, Stuck With You

@millennialfangirl tagged me, and this was harder than I thought and I might have gone over the ten.  Also, tumblr is being tumblr and not cooperating with gifs, so only the first film has one.  Here they are, in chronological order:

Casablanca, 1942

Look, Casablanca is the best film ever made.  Is it my favorite?  No, but it’s the best, much better than Citizen Kane, which is often heralded as the pinnacle of cinema but is about a rich old white guy who loves his sled.

Here’s looking at you, kid.  Of all the Gin joints.  Round up the usual suspects!  I’m shocked - shocked!- to find that gambling is going on in here (Your winnings, sir.). This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  As Time Goes By.  Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman and a supporting cast to die for.  Renault throwing away the bottle of Vichy water.

I could go on, but here’s why Casablanca has stuck with me: It’s one of my Dad’s favorite movies, too.  When I think of Casablanca, I think of him.  One Christmas (I can’t remember if I was in high school or college), the old timey theater in town played Casablanca.  I got us tickets as his Christmas present.  It is one of my favorite movie-going experiences (more on that below).

Star Wars, 1977

When I was little, we used to go to my maternal grandparents’ house every Tuesday, and I would watch Star Wars.  I was probably waaaaay too young - there’s audio of me playing out Star Wars with my My Little Ponies and I was like, three.  On my college essay, I wrote about how Return of the Jedi was my first movie (true story, I was six months old and slept through the whole thing, because apparently taking your sleeping infant to the movies is something parents did in the ‘80s).

Star Wars is where I learned about the Hero’s Journey.  About princesses and rebellions and wizards and flying spaceships.  I devoured the Timothy Zahn books and Young Jedi Knights series.  And yes, I’m a little down on it all after Episode IX - but I still love it.  It has impacted me in so many ways.  I know my life would be the poorer for not having seen it.

Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981

If Princess Leia was the first damsel I saw who get herself out of distress, Marian Ravenwood was the one who solidified the idea that women were perfectly capable of getting into and out of trouble themselves, thank you very much.  Then there’s Harrison Ford in being Peak Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones - Intelligent, clever, brave-bordering-on-reckless.  Who wouldn’t want to go on far-flung adventures to find hidden treasure, and maybe punch some Nazis while you’re at it?

The Goonies, 1985

Speaking of far-flung adventures, how about going on one in your hometown?  Booby-traps, pirates, Italian gangsters, Sloth, hidden treasure - it’s every kid’s playtime fantasy come magically to life.  I still want to go down those tunnel slides and shoot out into a hidden lagoon.  They just don’t make movies like this any more - fun, family movies that don’t dumb down the action or characterization for kids, that’s a ride for both kids and parents alike.  This was the first movie I showed my kids during quarantine.

The Princess Bride, 1987

Inconceivable.  The Six Fingered Man.  Death cannot stop truly love.  Only mostly dead.  Have fun storming the castle!  Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.  ROUSes.

This is a perfect movie.  It is.  It is lightning in a bottle and it should never, ever be remade (those were just rumors, right?).  This is romance and humor and suspense and two of the best swordfights in cinematic history (fight me on this.  No, really, fight me.  I took fencing in college because of this movie), all wrapped up in the sweetest Happily Ever After.  I love it so much.

Jurassic Park, 1993

I’ve told this story before, but here it is again.  In the summer of 1993, I was 10 and my sisters were 8 and just turned 6, and we convinced our parents that we were for sure old enough to see Jurassic Park - a book my mother had read and thus knew what level of horror to expect.  It did not go well.  I ended up burying my head in my dad’s chest; my youngest sister was in my mom’s lap; and my middle sister, with no where left to go, ended up under the seat in front of her.

Now, it’s the movie we quote (Hold on to your butts).  When my youngest had jello recently, I told him to hold it up and look scared, then texted the picture around.  We all knew immediately what I meant.  The DVDs are given as gifts and then immediately stolen.  My youngest sister can recite the entire movie.  I can’t wait to scare my sons with it.

The Shawshank Redemption, 1994

I don’t remember this movie when it came out; I remember it was this movie I hadn’t really heard of at the Oscars, where it won none.  Not until I was much older did I realize what a travesty that was.  I first watched this on a pep band bus trip in college - not the time or place to truly appreciate it.  Months later, I rented it (remember renting movies?) and fell in love with it.

This is a beautiful movie about friendship and hope and finding light in the darkness.  It’s always on TV, and I will always stop and watch at least a few minutes of it.  The ending - the last half hour, really - is pure cinematic poetry, but noting beats Red’s monologue as he travels to find Andy on that Mexican beach.

That Thing You Do!, 1996

This movie is Capital-D-Delightful.  Just thinking about it makes me smile.  This is the movie that tipped me from Tom Hanks Fan to I Love Tom Hanks and Need Him to Be My Best Friend.  He WROTE and DIRECTED this gem of a movie.  The talent.  The song is legitimately catchy, the characters are Wonder-ful (see what I did there?), and it’s all in Day-Glo ‘60s color.  I love this movie and make no apologies.

Toy Story 2, 1999

Speaking of Tom Hanks, this is my favorite Toy Story.  Look, the first is a technological marvel, but Woody is an ass throughout most of the film.  The fourth is it’s own thing, and the third is really, really good and I ugly sob at the end, but it’s also got a lot going on there.  But the second - oh the second is beautiful in its simplicity.  In addition to all of Andy’s toys, we get Jesse and Bullseye and even Stinky Pete.  It’s an ode to friendship and love and the realization that life, for toys and people, eventually ends, and we have to appreciate every moment we have now.  It is my favorite Toy Story.

Finding Nemo, 2003

I don’t know if it’s my favorite Pixar film, though.  It depends on the day, but most of the time that distinction goes to Finding Nemo.  I first saw it when I was twenty, a decade before my first kid was born, but it has greatly influenced how I parent.  The conversation between Dory and Marlin in the whale, the idea that keeping anything from happening to your kid cuts both ways, the leap of faith, the mantra of “just keep swimming,” the notion that your kids don’t just want, but need to have independence - it’s all there, in Pixar’s stunning ocean animation.  I get choked up just thinking about it.  “Now go have an adventure!”

Honorable Mentions:

Forrest Gump, 1994

I loved this movie.  I love Tom Hanks in this movie.  I would watch it in snippets during college, while I ate dinner or lunch or just needed a quick study break.  But it’s been years since I last saw it, and I wonder if it still holds up.  It’s a Boomer movie made when the Boomers were - basically, just a little older than we old Millennials are now.  It’s American history in the last half of the twentieth century, but the big events - Vietnam, Civil Rights, even AIDS - are filtered through the lens of a straight white man who kinda wanders into history but doesn’t really get why the moments are historic.  I feel like it’s a film I appreciated at a certain time, but wouldn’t love as much now.

Avengers: Endgame, 2019

There just hasn’t been enough time for this movie to make the list.  Ask about it again in ten years.  Although, to be honest, I haven’t seen the whole thing since I saw it in theaters, and I fear it won’t live up.  It was the best movie-going experience I’ve ever had.  The crowd was so into it, and the last battle had everyone, me included, screaming at the screen.  Part of what makes Endgame so special to me is that, among the three big franchises that ended last year (Avengers, Star Wars, Game of Thrones), this one actually stuck the landing.  And yes, I could argue that Steve Rogers’ end doesn’t actual make any sense and deprives Peggy Carter of her agency - but in the emotional moment of the film, it worked.  That portal scene is the culmination of twenty-plus films, and I still can’t believe it works as well as it does.

Thanks again for this! I second tagging @lerayon for this.  I feel like I’m kinda cold-calling mutuals from our Arrow days, so no pressure.  But I’d love to hear what @machawicket @dust2dust34 @dettiot @theshipsfirstmate​ have on their lists.

[leggigoesabroad]

skipping down sixteenth avenue

We woke up the next morning honestly fuggin AMPED because it was a full day at sea.  We had big plans to get some work done, explore the ship, day drink, revel in it all, etc.  But immediately we all felt so seasick that mid-meeting in Brooke’s room she just said “this isn’t happening. Let’s all go back to bed.” And we snorted lines of Dramamine and napped (essentially.)  We got an invitation that morning for dinner with the captain that night, which just so happened to be the ship’s formal night that we didn’t know existed.  Cue PANIC as I accused them all of trying to haze me by not telling me I needed to bring anything other than athleisure.  The nicest thing I brought with me was a floral jumpsuit so I tried my best to blend in but goddamn it these women were wearing like, sparkly evening gowns, strapless bodycon dresses, etc.   Couldn’t even go shopping anywhere since we were at sea all day.  Brooke says it was Nick’s fault, Nick and I secretly remember it was Brooke’s fault as she was the one who told us that Alaskan cruises don’t have formal nights…. Sigh. I’ve only just now started to get over it.  Combined with feeling like death all day and then having to be on good behavior for the very peculiar captain, things were dire.  The lack of formalwear also of course meant that I felt the need to get ahead of it to everyone I encountered the entire night.  “Just so you know I was told there wasn’t a formal night!!” **manic laughter drawing attention to myself** “I would never think this was appropriate for a formal night or dinner with the captain, we didn’t know! We’re here for work! It was a miscommunication!” **more manic laughter and essentially forcing people to say I look nice** “I dress way better at home, had I known I would have fit right in!! You can imagine.  I compensated by getting rip-roaring drunk and OD’ing on Dramamine which led me to a coma-like state I tried to Adderall-away the rest of the cruise.  Hate me cuz u ain’t me.  

The captain was ssssssooo strange – pleasant, but just on a different level of awareness than most normal people.  Lived in his own little captain world.  Old and British and told stories that made no sense and weren’t really relevant. Overly polite but also we felt like he didn’t want to be there.  By the way, I saw captain multiple times a day and at EVERY meal.  I swear he’s just a figurehead who never drives the boat himself. We did a bridge tour later in the week and he made a point to roll on through and look like he was “captain-ing” at one point when we all know he just chills and makes his officers do it. Towards the end of the trip we were talking to him one day and asked how his day was, and he said he had to get up at 4 am to dock and was exhausted and slept all day afterwards.  First of all, 4 am isn’t that much earlier than a normal early wake-up time.  Second of all, docking start to finish only takes like 45 minutes MAX.  Third of all, it’s your job!!!!!!!

We finally pulled into our first port in Ketchikan on Thursday morning.  The boys each had a fun shore excursion to do (bear sanctuary, ziplining) but Brooke, Yolanda and I had a day of running from vendor to vendor to spend about 15 minutes each just learning what they offered and asking questions.  Yolanda used to travel in Alaska with Seabourn back in 2013, so she greeted every tour operator in every town as if they were her long-lost brother or sister and reunited after being away at war for six years. You’ll hear more about it as these blogs go on but lord she is the most dramatic person I have ever met and also not self-aware whatsoever but it’s fucking hysterical.  Today when we said goodbye I said, “honestly, Yolanda, I can’t remember a time before I knew you.” And that’s about how I can sum up our relationship.  

The bopping around was not as fun because we didn’t actually participate in any of the activities, and it was pouring rain.  But all things considered, not as bad as I expected it would be.  We met two super-hot fishermen (each of whom had a baby with their wives in the last week smh where do I get one) and heard all about their different excursions.  They sounded dope but there was freshly caught fish all around us on the docks and their eyes stared at me during the whole spiel and I couldn’t focus.  Why are fish eyes SO CREEPY? After a few more stops around town, our local tour operator Kari drove us to the end of the island to George Inlet Lodge and met one of the owner/operators, CANDI, who gave me a real “mom in Justified /Aunt Lydia in Handmaid’s Tale / whatever her real name is who just won an Emmy” vibe, except less cold blooded murder-y. They showed us their boats and excursions and then fed us an authentic meal just like the members would get, which included Dungeness crab legs.  I told myself before the trip started that I’d HAVE to try and eat more seafood because a) it’s fresh AF in Alaska so this is the place b) my excuse of “but it’s too expensive at restaurants” can’t apply here #freeunlimitedfood and c) I should try to immerse myself in the culture. If Kitty ever reads this she’ll die, also Kitty you should never go to Alaska.  We’re going to keep a running tab on all the seafood, I tried, okay?!  First: the “dungie” crabs.  Learned how to crack them open and everything.  They were relatively tasty, but I still don’t get why people lose their shit over crab legs, especially because it’s soooooo much work for so little payout.  I’m more of a low investment, high reward type.

After the lodge we drove to the opposite end of the island and got on a boat to drive out to Hump Island (lol) Oyster Farm, where a 20-year-old kid named Sean showed us around his dad’s operation.  He was the epitome of what I imagine an Alaskan braaaaaaaah to be and he was cracking me up. All self-deprecating humor about how no 20-year-old should know as much about oysters as him and all he wants to do is chill with his friends in the summer, not tumble oysters 12 hours a day. There were tons of pots all around the little floating island and he explained it takes an oyster about 3 years to grow to maturity and be ready to be eaten/sold, so I asked him if the pots were organized by relative age so you know which ones are new and which need more time, etc.  He said, “honestly we’re just oyster farmers we’re not the brightest most organized guys in the world but that would make sense, wouldn’t it” but all with a sweet douchey little smile only a college kid could get away with.  The thing that struck me most was just how different “summer jobs” in Alaska are for kids than in say, DC.  They don’t work at fast food restaurants or for their dad’s law firm or at daycare blah blah blah, they work on boats or on oyster farms or fishing or logging or giving tours to cruise passengers.  Builds character! And calluses!  They fed us fresh oysters after that which I really didn’t want because I had an oyster one time and I thought it was gross, but again, had to.  And it tasted better than I remember probably because I was literally on the farm where it was grown, kinda like how beer tastes better at a brewery because it never has to travel. 

Back on the ship that night, we ate at what is literally called The Restaurant.  The ship only has a few dining options – The Restaurant, which is pretty shmancy and requires a reservation (but not for us VIPs of course who had the same table reserved for us every night), the Colonnade (buffet-style, ate all of our breakfasts and lunches there) and the Grill, which is a VERY SHMANCY Thomas Keller restaurant that has cut-throat competition for reservations and apparently our members lose their minds over.  We ate there a few nights later and I accidentally got hammered on my new favorite drink, Old Cubans, and had to be essentially rolled out of there in front of the Super Hot Waiter I’m in Love With, Thomas from Belgium. Literally just conjured his face in my mind when typing this and felt an internal swoon.  I miss him so much.  ANYWAY we ate at the Restaurant each night, which had fixed menu options on the right hand side and a rotating left menu.  I tried to be ~adventurous but mostly ate a lot of steak.  Had a black truffle risotto one night and literally loved it so much asked for a second portion.  Going to the lake this weekend and stuffing myself in a bikini is going to be like, a three-person job. We had the same two servers each night – Anastasiia, a 25-year-old Russian girl who love/hated us and today tried to do a bike excursion after never having ridden a bike before and eventually gave up because she crashed too much (I said, “Anastasiia! You can’t just try and ride a bike and hope it goes well, you need someone to guide/teach you until you’re comfortable!” Smh) and Simba, a South African angel who had a crush on me and calmly put up with all of my Lion King jokes.  Listen, other than Super Hot Waiter Thomas, they all had a crush on me.  Maybe they found my complete lack of adherence to their dress code sexy in a “fuck the rules” kind of way?? (How is one supposed to dress for “elegant casual” nightly anyway…) Maybe it was how I insisted night over night that I was “one of them” and not a client because I was here for a site visit and begged them to let me hang out with them?  (The assistant Maitre’D Marius tried to pull so many strings to allow us to be invited to crew Bingo night but alas, we were rejected.) Or maybe it was because I was one of the only people on the ship under the age of 60 and I shamelessly chatted and flirted with everyone I saw, at every meal… It’s hard to say. Simba even publicly sang me a love song at the last night at dinner.  

Slept that night and woke up to the most magical, mystical, ethereal scenery of the Misty Fjords surrounding us.  I’ll post a picture so you can truly understand how magical these were.  Pouring rain but gorgeous and foggy and tranquil. TO BE CONTINUED!

[stevecanmakeanythingnerdy]

Battle #30

Dave Clark Five: 5 by 5 ( Side 1 )

Vs.

Tex Ritter: Comin’ After Jinny ( Side 1 )

Dave Clark Five: 5 by 5 ( Side 1 )

The Dave Clark Five were an English rock and roll band formed in Tottenham in 1957. In January 1964 they had their first UK top ten single, "Glad All Over", which knocked the Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand" off the top of the UK Singles Chart. In fact, often the DC5 as they became known, were compared to The Beatles. They were the second group of the British Invasion to appear on The Ed Sullivan Show in the United States (for two weeks in March 1964 following the Beatles' three weeks the previous month). They eventually appeared 18 times on his show. *ahem* more than any other British Invasion group. Back in those days, that was Thee show to be on if you wanted to make a splash. Dave Clark, who formed the group, was very clever. He struck business deals that allowed him to not only produce the band's recordings but also gave him control of the master recordings. At the time not really a big deal, but pioneering in later years as the music industry grew into a corporate monster. To this day he still retains the rights. Genius. Another aspect that makes the DC5 unique is that they did not follow the psychedelic music trend that was so popular amongst peers at the time. The Dave Clark Five officially disbanded in 1970,while still successfully charting in the UK. This album is the U. S. Release version from 1967. That’s another thing, in those days bands would relentlessly record and tour. Often putting out multiple albums in one single year. The DC5 put out 11 (yes eleven) studio albums from 1964-1967. That’s almost an average of 3 per year?!? Talk about a hit machine! This is why I make a strong argument that DC5 were perhaps not better charting than The Beatles, but certainly more efficient. The first track is “Nineteen Days”. It may be one of their later slabs of wax, but it’s just as soulful. High pitched bitchin’ beats get the countdown on for moving those butts. Mid tempo 60s and I think under 2 minutes! “Something I’ve always wanted” follows and has a definite blues feel. It’s another quick one too and this time with harmonica. In fact, harmonica takes full on lead on the next track, “Little Bit Strong”. Some great, nasty distortion groove too. Dave and his Clark five don’t mess around. They blast right on through. Hell, if they recorded 11 albums in 4 years then they probably know how to rip through a song with little fanfare. “Bernedette” is next and of course there’s a song about a girl. It’s a requirement for a crooner to appear. Very minimal instrumentation, just lovey dovey emos. “Sitting here Baby” is the last tune and a ditty and done in the gold old rock ‘n’ roll style. Great bass solo too. Some vocal scat even. Swing beat makes it sweet. I do feel this album suffers a little as compared to earlier recordings simply because of the barrage. Did I mention 11 (!) albums in 4 years??!?!!?! Oh yeah, and the total run time from start to finish is 11 minutes. It probably took more time to set up one of the mics than it did to record this whole album!

Tex Ritter: Comin’ After Jinny ( Side 1 )

Woodward Maurice "Tex" Ritter was an American country music singer and actor popular from the mid-1930s into the 1960s, and the patriarch of the Ritter acting family (son John and grandsons Jason and Tyler). He is a member of the Country Music Hall of Fame. In fact, he became one of the founding members of the Country Music Association in Nashville, Tennessee and spearheaded the effort to build the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. Eventually he was Inducted in 1964. An early pioneer of country music, Ritter soon became interested in show business. He started out doing radio and eventually broadway plays. Also recording songs about cowboy life for Decca Records. He moved on to movies in the 30s and his recording career took off as well. His career continued through the 40s, 50s and 60s and In 1970, Ritter surprised many people by entering Tennessee's Republican primary election for United States Senate! Despite high name recognition, he lost overwhelmingly to United States Representative Bill Brock, who then defeated the incumbent Senator Albert Gore, Sr. in the general election. He passed shortly thereafter in 1974. This release is posthumous dated to 1976. The first song, “Comin’ After Jinny” is very Johnny Cash like. Definitely some slide guitar and pretty lackadaisical as far as country tempo goes. The whole song centers around the storyline of a younger boy coming after his girl. Through colorful description you eventually catch on that his girl is his actual baby child (perhaps granddaughter) and the boy is a younger baby. Ok, it’s clever. You got me, good one, Tex! The next song is titled “Looking Back” and it’s a remorseful tune about nostalgia and love gone wrong. Real cowboy campfire story stuff. “He Who Is Without Sin, Let Him Judge Me” is third in line. This one has a storyline about a guy who steals food for his starving family and is sentenced to prison. The character then goes person by person in the jury and calls them out for their sins. Are you getting it yet? Tex likes to tell tales. “Wand’rin Star” has gang vocals and is a slow cow-poke tune. Even the quiver in his voice makes it more real. This genre is really not my cup of tea, but I will say, Tex is pretty good at what he does. “The Girl Who Carries a Torch for Me” is the last cut. I’ll give you a minute to think about what possible puns might apply...a clue...think patriotic...got it? If you guessed that it’s a tune about the Statue of Liberty, then congratulations! You win! It’s clever stuff, but there was too much talking for me. Convo-core? Spoken word Country? Meh... it’s like your trucker grandpa made a record or something. Worth a listen, but I probably won’t do it again.

Today we witnessed the Dave Clark go 5 x 5. They burned 82 calories over 5 songs and 11 minutes. That’s an average of 16.40 calories burned per song and 7.46 calories burned per minute. DC5 earns 11 (there’s that number again) out of 15 possible stars. Tex Ritter spent his time comin’ after Jinny and burned 95 calories over 14 minutes and 5 songs. Tex burned 19 calories per song and 6.79 calories per minute. He managed to earn 8 out of 15 possible stars. Looks like the DC went 5 x 5 and 1 x WON!

Dave Clark Five: “Nineteen Days”

#Randomrecordworkoutseasonsix

#Randomrecordworkout

[marquis-teren-kiden]

Top 5 moments that really defined your time as an RPer.

[This is an incredibly long post. So, feel free to read it or not as you wish. Blessedly, there is no ‘NSFW’ alert associated with it. Brutal, visceral, and sometimes anguish or feelz inducing commentary, but nothing you can’t have up at work or around the (Grand)babies. So, have at!]

#1. - Beyond the terrible graphics of the games at the time, my first real experience RPing happened when i was nineteen. A friend of mine from school had invited me on leave with her (Yes, it was that kind of education) to her home to get away from the boredom and strictness of our vocational training. I said yes, and while we were off at her place (which, also, was in the woods in the middle of nowhere, but in a different state) she introduced me to her Aunt, who was an avid DM. The woman had accumulated just… man. Volumes in binders of faces and forms of men and women - models, actors, singers, you name it - which she had rated from 1 to 20 for the purposes of allowing players to choose their character’s ‘comeliness.’She had it all. The picture books. All of the (2E) D&D books and supplements. She asked how long I’d been roleplaying, and I said I hadn’t. So, she broke it all down for me. Let me choose from an extensive collection of dice and line-by-line explained the mechanics of the game for me.My first character? A dual-classed Drow Fighter/Ranger. She made an NPC Human Paladin and the story for the background to explain the two of them being a battle couple was easy for me to come up with. She loved it. I killed myself with my own bow, and my own arrow, my first time using it. (I rolled a 1.) and she used the NPC to heal/resurrect my dumb Elf. Best introduction to RP I could offer to anyone, and it was mine.#2. - A Co-Worker asked me if I’d ever RP’d before, and I told him about #1 on the list, which had been five? Six years before. He said he would love to have me for a ‘beefy’ Campaign he was putting together, and after negotiating on the terms and times, I agreed. The Campaign was ridiculous. (Not in a bad way.) Just uber powerful creatures all over the place. So, he required every player to be half-something from the Monster Manual.I made up a Half-Halfling/Half-Celestial and made him a Bard/Psion. While we were at work, I rolled his stats (which were INSANELY GOOD.) And he sat and watched. (The stats were so good that one of the other Players, sitting next to the DM, accused me of cheating, and the DM laughed and said I watched them roll *my* dice. Those are their scores. I laughed crazy hard.) That Campaign about three years, and was insanely good fun. I eventually retired my Half-Celesital as an Avatar of Fharlanghn, the God of Travelers. (My Muse was a Psionic Nomad.) And the GM still phones occasionally to ask me to RP him as an influence on current or on-going campaigns.

#3. - My (now ex-) Boyfriend found out that I was an avid RPer in Guild Wars, and asked me to come RP with him (I think he was jealous of my Muse’s in-game Husband) in World of Warcraft. We rolled up a pair of Druids. But, within a week, two things unexpectedly happened. He got bored of his level 5 Druid and ditched me to go back to his level 54 Warlock. AND I levelled up without him looking for herbs, and on my first trip to Darkshore (Like, level 11 or 12?) I witnessed a pitched PvP Battle between a level 56 Night Elf Hunter and a skull icon (later learned, level 60 Raider) Tauren Warrior. I was Resto and started healing the Hunter. At the time, I had no clue what ‘flagging’ was, or that my Muse could be harmed by doing it. I just wanted to help the guy who looked to be putting up a hell of a fight given the disparity between them. (I assumed the Tauren was just a very powerful mob.) The Hunter won the fight, and greeted me ICly. Introduced himself. Thanked me profusely, and since I’d cobbled together an identity for my Druid before my BF and I had stopped playing together, I just rolled with it. The Hunter eventually became the Druid’s Lifemate.#4 -  The next two are more personal, and as you know (Nerd) Last year was absolutely devastating for me. I lost twenty-six writing partners during a significant IRL series of hardships involving losing my health, which cost me my job, which led to me losing my home, all while trying to take care of my kids and maintain a Guild with a massive storyline. 

The vast majority of the Co-Writers i had at the time were just relentless about wanting and needing to be ‘important’ to the storyline, rather than working together with everyone to solve the puzzles that were laid out. And, I was DMing two or more events each month from my cellphone out of a motel my family was paying for for several months. During that time, I lost two important friends who were RRP Partners for Teren. One due to refusal to communicate at all why they had suddenly started getting angry every time I mentioned RP (even when it wasn’t for Teren) and another who literally just… disappeared. Not just from me. From everything. All without explanation. Of the twenty-six acquaintences/Co-Writers who dipped on me during that SL, those are the two that still haunt me the most, and they are the primary reasons I keep my Writing Circle so small. 

Has their continuing influence on me been positive? No. I don’t think so. Not in the long run. But, has it been powerful? Has it shaped the future of my writing and my relationships with others in/out of character and IRL? Unequivocally. 

#5 - Mister Rogers (Teren, wtf are you going with this?) Mister Rogers once said that when something bad would happen, he would get scared. An accident. A fire. Something worse on the news. His Mother would tell him to “look for the people trying to help. There are always people trying to help. Look for the Helpers.”

At the bottom of the abyss for me, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically - there were people, IRL, OOC and IC, who were genuinely trying to help me. Even when I told them I just wanted to wrap up all of our mutual storylines and walk away from writing - not just Roleplaying, but writing stories at all - they did everything they could to help me. Help me figure out what their Muses needed. Help me figure out what my Muses needed. Helped me connect with strangers to tie up story elements that had disappeared with the people who were abandoning the large-scale Campaign that had been running off of my phone for months on end. 

There were at first a couple. Then a few. Then a handful. Now, there’s a little under a dozen people who have made writing possible for me again. Who stuck with me through all of the terrible shit that made even logging in to Teren’s old account an exhausting, heartbreaking slog. Who eventually helped me heal myself with self-care strategies I’d never needed before, and to give some solid foundation to Teren’s storyline so that - even if I couldn’t save all of my Muses - I could save this one. 

At the beginning of the year, I kicked off this blog, still unsure if it would last a month, or if I would walk away from it after all. Two months, three months in, I still didn’t know the answer. What I did know, is that I was (albeit slowly) getting the desire to write again. I was (slowly) feeling the urge to create again. And I was striving to interact on a level that would allow me to leave if the old warning signs started cropping up, without devastating my Co-Writer’s storylines. (Which is a lot of why so much of what Teren does happens in Nishan; which is only a small pocket of Azeroth as a whole.)

To wit, the amazing legacy and continuing tales of Teren Kiden and his life after 01/01/2018 aren’t a product of “A” moment. But, of People. People who recognized that I am a person and not a collection of pixels. People who empathized with the catastrophe my life had become and - instead of disappearing - did what they could. No one had to solve my problems. Most didn’t have to do anything but RP. But they all helped me to recover from the single worst year - IC, OOC, and IRL - of my life with patience, poise, respect and - most extraordinarily - with hearts that were strong enough to let me go, even though they desparately wanted me to keep holding on to our friendships, because that was what I needed most at the time.

[To each of them: @daughterofkiden, @summerbloom-fae, @karrista, @olivia-lovecraft, @news-nerd, @huntsman-hawthorne, @maluraunderchild, @renlavaye, @scassira, @waroftwowolves, @stonestridernerd, @phamguero, @oh-yeah-no @kelladen - you are all such beautiful, understanding, and exceptional people, and I quite literally wouldn’t be here, writing, without you. Thank you so much for your extraordinary strength and exceptional qualities of character. You are more deeply cherished and appreciated than you will ever know.]

[thesportssoundoff]

What Went Wrong: A Belated NFL Black Monday Piece

Joey

Jan 11th

Black Monday in the NFL came and went and despite my best inclinations to write a somethin', I had a nothin' to offer. In many ways, most of the firings were easy enough to figure out. Guys who probably deserved to get canned did get canned. Teams that felt the pressure to save their fanbases made the moves to do so. All in all, it was kind of an expected grouping of firings when you add in the in season removals of Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy and Cleveland coach Hue Jackson. So since it's been a while, I wanted to approach this from a different perspective. Here I want to talk about the eight coaching jobs, what went wrong (on a grander level) and what their replacements need to do to avoid suffering a similar fate. Hold onto ya butts, folks:

Cleveland Hue Jackson

What Went Wrong: Everything

Seriously. Cleveland hired Hue Jackson under the philosophy of taking a long and painful route to relevancy, amassing draft picks, essentially tanking without admitting and hoping that Hue Jackson could in theory keep the organization stable enough until the time came. Depending on who you ask, Cody Kessler was either Hue's idea or some massive analytics based gamble that backfired on Sashi Brown and company, made worse by Cleveland trading BACK in the draft and away from the likes of Carson Wentz. At the end of the day, the plan had some merit to it (as seen by the successes of Sam Heinke and the 76ers eventually) but like most plans that require patience, that patience eventually runs out pretty quickly. It doesn't help that giving Hue Jackson, a guy who was fired from the Raiders after an 8-8 season where undisciplined penalty laden football marred progress, a young team and expecting him to get them up to speed to become eventual contenders was probably a bad idea overall. The arrival of former Kansas City Chiefs GM John Dorsey meant that the patience was out and Hue needed to produce something, especially when hiring a proven OC in Todd Haley and #1 overall pick Baker Mayfield. This job was going to be lost eventually but when Baker looked flat and the team continued to play this broken level of uninspired play, the plug was pulled. Everything that could've gone wrong in Cleveland did go wrong under the watchful eye of Hue Jackson and while I don't fault a guy for taking a gig, immediately jumping over to Marvin Lewis and the Bengals as an assistant probably did little to squash the belief that Jackson was a weasel of sorts who had no problem looking out for #1 at the expense of everyone else. It would take a novel to state everything what went wrong from 2016 to 2018 but just know that at the end of the day, nobody stood up for Hue Jackson when he was ousted and the team took off when he was shown the door.

Enter: Freddie Kitchens

Kitchens' ascent from lowly RBs coach to offensive coordinator to head coach from Jan of 2018 to Jan of 2019 is shit straight out of Narcos. In many ways, I wonder if the thought process went a bit like this: Cleveland had a bunch of candidates in mind with the thought process being that they could find the best offensive mind for their bright generational QB. At the same time, teams began calling for Kitchens to potentially interview for either their head coaching gig or their offensive coordinator position. Cleveland wants to keep Kitchens, other teams want Kitchens and Cleveland probably wants a head coach who will keep Kitchens but can't find him. Cleveland looked around, realized the guy they wanted was probably  in house already and they didn't want to lose him SO Kitchens gets to be the head coach. Kitchens is actually surprisingly well traveled; a coach under the likes of Bill Parcells, Ken Whisenhunt and Bruce Arians. Kitchens and Mayfield created some beautiful magic together and so I imagine continuity (as well as a supremely improved offense) pushed Kitchens over the other candidates. There are three factors at play here; 1) Cleveland has expectations now. The 5-3 end of the year plus the young star QB who should only improve makes a lot of people believe you can win. Kitchens will probably not be afforded two abysmal years to figure it out the way that Hue Jackson was. 2) Kitchens has just 8 games worth of play calling experience to his name which means he's got a lot to learn in a short period of time. 3) Kitchens just canned Gregg Williams which means he'll need a new defensive guru of sorts to handle that side of the field.

Green Bay Packers Mike McCarthy

What Went Wrong: #12

Mike McCarthy deserves a lot of credit for what he did in Green Bay from milking the final years of elite play out of Brett Favre and then grooming Aaron Rodgers into one of the best QBs to ever play the game. I think people forget the job McCarthy and company did when the Packers lost seemingly half of their team to injuries and still won the Super Bowl in 2011 or how he got into the playoffs relying on Matt Flynn in 2013 when Rodgers got hurt. All things go sour eventually though and the whispers that Rodgers was carrying McCarthy year in and year out got a bit too loud. Those whispers combined with the body language yelling whenever Rodgers and McCarthy seemed to have something go wrong became a bit too much and so McCarthy's reign in Green Bay ended unceremoniously after a loss to lowly Arizona. McCarthy might just be a case of "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" and about how everybody in sports eventually gets tired of one another. Aaron Rodgers is a veteran QB who probably did plenty of checks and audibles at the LOS which in turn pissed McCarthy off and conversely I'm sure McCarthy's outdated gameplans and suspect development of talent over the past 2-3 years drove Rodgers crazy. McCarthy's outdated gameplans cost him in the end, especially when it became readily apparent that Rodgers' decline (be it due to age or injuries) made him incapable of overcoming those woes.

Enter: Matt LaFleur

Matt LaFleur's hiring is simple enough I suppose. Aaron Rodgers is in the twilight of an amazing career and "offensive guru" is a hot to trot catch all term. LaFleur cut his teeth under Kyle Shanahan and then moved onto Sean McVay before leaving for the Titans to call his own offense. It was an up and down run for him as the playcaller, probably hurt in no small part by the injuries to Marcus Mariota. LaFleur is a gamble on upside with a somewhat impatient QB who is battling the aging curve. It's a risky move but if LaFleur can get the best out of Rodgers before Father Time takes over? It just might be worth.

Denver Broncos Vance Joseph

What Went Wrong: 50% John Elway 50% In Game Management

Vance Joseph being tabbed to replace the retiring Gary Kubiak always felt like a somewhat shaky hire. Vance Joseph in my estimation was a totally qualified hire but perhaps not quite the hire needed for this specific team. John Elway's teams were mostly veteran squads headed up by veteran head coaches like John Fox and Gary Kubiak. Vance Joseph was a rookie head coach who had proven himself to be an adept and solid defensive coordinator riiiight when hiring THOSE kind of guys was going out of fashion. Elway hired a young coach and then gave him an aging offensive core, opening the pocket books to bring in veteran free agent talent that hasn't quite worked out. Of course we'd be here all day talking about the QB situation from sticking with Trevor Semian a bit too long to the Paxton Lynch draft spot (want to have a fun alternate history for a minute? Picture a world where the Cowboys actually successfully outbid Denver to get Paxton Lynch and Denver has to take another QB later on) to the Case Keenum gamble. Denver in a way tried to replicate the Cowboys formula; run the ball a lot, have a ball control QB and rely on a tremendous defense. It just didn't work as the offense struggled under Joseph (in large part due to the RBs not being Zeke, the QB not being Dak, the OL not being peak Dallas and Demariyus Thomas falling off) and his inability to figure out what he wanted out of Case Keenum throughout the season has left him out of a job and Denver in need of a new QB. Joseph was dealt a bad hand from Elway but in game management was such a glaring problem for Denver, often made worse by their team absolutely not showing up in prime time games. Vance Joseph was the wrong guy for this job and then proceeded to remind people of that every single time he made a bad decision late in games.

Enter: Vic Fangio

First the obvious; Vic Fangio has paid his dues, done his part and at 60 years old, it's very much now or never for an NFL lifer. I have zero qualms with Denver hiring him. I just hope he's being hired because he's the guy they want and not because they had this compulsion to keep Gary Kubiak in some sort of capacity. If Vic Fangio edged out Mike Munchak because one was fine with Kubiak and the other wasn't then it's a bad call. If that's the case then just hire Kubiak to be your head coach again because this sort of helicopter head coaching is sort of unnecessary. Fangio and Kubiak make for a very old duo but also a very credible couple of coaches at the top of the helm. If they manage to get Ed Donatell to become the defensive coordinator then you're now talking about three qualified long term NFL lifers running a young roster.  It's a gutsy move by Elway at a time where young hip offensive minded coaches are all the rage. Hopefully it works out better than Vance Joseph did.

New York Jets Todd Bowles

What Went Wrong: Bad drafting + bad optics

I think Todd Bowles is somewhat of an overmaligned figure in Jets land. After the Rex Ryan Era, the more low key Bowles was probably more of an overreaction to not having to deal with Ryan's madness anymore. Todd had tremendous success in his first season and rallied the Jets to a 10-6 record before the wheels fell apart. In a large part, the talent fell apart around Bowles and the QB situation never truly situated itself with veterans not being good enough and the Jets spending actual draft capital on guys like Christian Hackenberg and Bryce Petty. Bad draft picks led to bad talent on the field which in turn led to the optics. The Jets in 2016 and 2017 seemed to end every year with people wondering about why the Jets looked so disinterested and broken under Bowles, complete with plenty of shots of Woody Johnson's stadium looking emptier and emptier as the year went on. Bowles entered 2018 as basically a dead man walking with a rookie QB and a brand new fill in offensive coordinator. Bowles did about as well as he could but by week 10 or so, the writing was on the wall. Bowles' laid back persona compiled with the Jets' lethargic October and November painted the picture of a team that had given up and given in.

Enter: Adam Gase

The Jets candidates for the most part all have a similar theme. They're offensive minded QB whisperers; guys like Jim Caldwell, Mike McCarthy, Kliff Kingsbury, Adam Gase and Todd Monken. Some are old, some are young, some are retreads and some are college guys (Matt Rhule and the aforementioned Kingsbury). Kris Richard, Dallas DB coach and playcaller, is the only defensive guy to this point who seems to have a shot. The Jets want somebody who a) fits the New York atmosphere that for some reason seems to be harder to figure out than any other spotlight seemingly and b) a coach who can connect with young talented arm Sam Darnold. They'll see if Adam Gase is that dude.

Arizona Cardinals Steve Wilks

What Went Wrong: The defensive guy didn't have a good defense

Black Monday brought a lot of very open discussion about the fact that the famed cut down day for coaches featured five African American coaches getting canned. Of the crew, I feel like Wilks is the one where there is a justifiable grudge to be had. Steve Wilks inherited a middle of the road team that embraced a full rebuild when they moved up to grab Sam Darnold and let some of their star defensive players walk. In response, Wilks was given an undermanned team with a broken Sam Bradford and a green Josh Rosen behind him with some sketchy coordinators to keep everything afloat. It didn't work out, the Cardinals were jabroni'd for pretty much the first eight weeks of the season and OC Mike McCoy got canned halfway through the year even if Byron Leftwich wasn't much better. Cardinals star RB David Johnson struggled after a big deal, defensive players were unhappy with just about everything, Josh Rosen looked horrendous for 85% of the snaps he was on the field for and the Cardinals OL was rough in all facets of the game. I believe Wilks deserved another year (only because of what was given to him at the onset) but if you get the 1st overall pick, you clearly did nothing right during the season. I bet if Wilks' defense wasn't the worst in the league and he fielded a competitive defense while going through rookie QB growing pains then I'd feel pretty confident about his chances to stick around. As it is, he's gone and per the GM, it boiled down to a disagreement on what Wilks considered to be the plan of attack for 2019. Still how do you allow the GM who put this situation together AND chose the head coach to pick the next guy? That's some utter tripe.

Enter: Kliff Kingsbury

We can begin with the obvious reasons for why this move doesn't make any sense. For starters, Kingsbury was just an average head coach at Texas Tech. You can give me plenty of excuses for that record of 35-40 ranging from "It's hard to recruit in Texas when you're not the top school" or "The defenses were bad!" but the record speaks for itself and isn't his job to a) figure out recruiting and b) find a way to fix your defense? I mean Mike Leach and Tommy Tuberville both won more games than Kingsbury at Texas Tech. The question is whether Kingsbury can find a way to get Josh Rosen back to UCLA levels and still somehow win at the NFL level despite his lack of success at the collegiate level.  The Cardinals weren't the only team willing to take the plunge obviously but they'll be the ones who get laughed at if this doesn't work.

(Also real quick let's take a second to acknowledge either the absurdity of this situation or the honesty of at least one NFL team to embrace the change here. After years of hearing how QBs and OL and WRs were being hampered by collegiate schemes, we now have pro teams hiring college coaches to run their gimmicked offenses at the NFL level because they can't develop QBs or OL anymore at the pro level. Either the NFL has learned its lesson or it's just about given up. Either one is an acceptable choice.)

Cincinnati Bengals Marvin Lewis

What Went Wrong: Everything over time

Kudos to the Bengals organization for their loyalty to Marvin Lewis, likely in no small part due to Marvin rebuilding that franchise and then keeping them stable from the Palmer to the Dalton eras. I have zero doubt that Lewis is a good coach but like Mike McCarthy, eventually you run out of rope and time. It didn't help that Lewis was incapable of stopping the gradual decline from consistent playoff team (lack of success aside) to mediocre team, in no small part due to his inability to replenish the well along the coaching staff. Marvin Lewis was just too old, too stubborn and too incapable to overcome the changing NFL scene.

Enter: ?

The current word is the Bengals are looking at Rams QB coach/passing game coordinator Zac Taylor. Taylor was a disaster as the Dolphins interim OC under Dan Campbell but resurrected his stock as a key hand in the development of Jared Goff as well as his tutoring under Tommy Tuberville in Cincy. Taylor is at least an intriguing hire as a 35 year old passing game guru and, of course, the Bengals could be back on the market for a QB eventually as Andy Dalton enters his age 31 season.

Tampa Bay Dirk Koetter

What Went Wrong: The QB

Lovie Smith and Dirk Koetter ultimately shared the same fate after all. Despite paying Smith a lot of money and giving him the keys to the kingdom, Smith was gone after two seasons and Dirk Koetter was retained by Tampa Bay due to the feeling that 1) they were going to lose him elsewhere and 2) he could get the most out of #1 overall pick Jameis Winston. He couldn't. Winston off the field was a mess and on the field he didn't fare much better either. When you're the QB guru and the star QB has to be benched, you're probably going to get fired. It doesn't help that Koetter and chosen defensive coordinator Mike Smith struggled to field a competent defense for three years.

Enter: Bruce Arians

This...is interesting. Arians is a pretty damn proven and downright solid head coach who has technically won in two different locations (Indianapolis as an interim coach and in Arizona). Arians' health and his declining results in Arizona led to a year in the booth for Bruce but now it seems like he thinks he's ready to handle it again. Arians teams have only finished under .500 once at the pro level and while his success is somewhat overstated recently, there's no doubt that Arians will bring stability and fire to an organization that has felt marred with drama under Koetter.

Miami Dolphins Adam Gase

What Went Wrong: Greg Schiano-itis

It would be far too easy and perhaps even a touch unfair to simply say that Gase's problem is his player-coach marriage to Ryan Tannehill. A coach getting hooked on a QB and believing he can unlock him leads to a lot of firings and Gase may be no different. Gase's bigger problem, at least from my standpoint, is a problem most coaches have in various forms or fashions. I'll use Greg Schiano as an example because he's the one that's more readily apparent to me. Schiano took a bad going nowhere spot in Tampa Bay (Raheem Morris had 3-13 and 4-12 sandwiched around 10-6) and with a young roster, Schiano improved them to 7-9. That improvement combined with what most people consider to be a natural tendency to be a bit of a dick, lead to Schiano getting more egotistical and more aggressive as a coach. The second year everything cratered and Schiano was fired. Adam Gase took over a Miami Dolphins club that had gone through a pretty rough run over Tony Sparano and then interim coach Dan Campbell. Gase started off poorly and then earned some plaudits for cutting offensive linemen mid week after Ryan Tannehill had been pretty much caved in by pass rushers. A winning streak followed and Gase made the playoffs in his rookie year----but that apparently led to Gase becoming more and more of an authoritarian. Players seemed to hate him (There wasn't much love for Adam Gase after his firing with key offensive players past and present openly gloating about his removal) and the owner got tired of Gase seemingly toward the end of the season. That to me strikes me as a coach who got a little too successful early on and struggled when the NFL eventually humbled him as is often the case if you don't have Tom Brady.

Enter: ?

The Dolphins head coaching interview list reads like a true mish mash. Offensive coordinator Dowell Loggains, special teams coach Darren Rizzi, Pats defensive ace Brian Flores and Cowboys play caller/secondary coach Kris Richard seem to be the candidates in the running and so you've got two holdovers, one guy hoping to become a winning member of the Bill B coaching tree and Kris Richard who helped take the Cowboys defense to new heights in 2018. All seem logical----but none seem like any sort of a pattern or a theme is emerging. Maybe that's the best way to go instead of trying to force a fit because you NEED a QB guru.

[khalilhumam]

Caribbean football enthusiasts mourn the passing of Diego Maradona

New Post has been published on http://khalilhumam.com/caribbean-football-enthusiasts-mourn-the-passing-of-diego-maradona/

Caribbean football enthusiasts mourn the passing of Diego Maradona

‘[He] was just pure genius’

A graffiti drawing of Diego Maradona on a wall in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Photo by Wagner Fontoura on Flickr, CC BY 2.0.

Argentinian football virtuoso Diego Armando Maradona, famous for the stunning natural talent that led his team to FIFA World Cup glory in 1986 — and infamous for the “Hand of God” goal that helped clear the path for their eventual victory — died of a heart attack at his Buenos Aires home on November 25, having recently undergone surgery to remove a blood clot from his brain. He was 60 years old. Small in stature but a giant on the field, it is hard to imagine Maradona, who was required to perform at such an elite fitness level, being plagued by health problems. Throughout his career, however, he struggled with drug and alcohol addiction which led to a range of other challenges, including obesity and serious health-related scares like hepatitis. In 1991, Maradona was suspended from the sport he loved for 15 months, after testing positive for cocaine before a match. Later that year, he was arrested for possession of the drug and given a 14-month suspended sentence. Come the 1994 World Cup, Argentina's star player was once again part of the team, but before the group stage of the tournament was over, the Argentine Football Association pulled him from the lineup for failing a drug test. FIFA banned Maradona over the incident, essentially putting an end to his international career, which had included representing top clubs like Boca Juniors (Argentina), Barcelona (Spain), and Napoli (Italy). It was for his performance on the field, however, that Maradona will forever be remembered. His style of play, full of darts and dribbles, was fearless; from the sidelines, it also looked effortless. There was no one faster or more sure-footed. He demonstrated impeccable ball control, even with several defenders on him at a time. He had an instinct for finding spaces and creating opportunities but was not one to hoard the ball for a chance at glory. He was, first and foremost, a team player who passed when needed, who captained creatively and helped make Argentina a joy to watch, comparable at their height to the captivating, samba style of fancy footwork their rival Brazil is famous for. The creative moves of La Albiceleste, as the Argentinian national football team is called, felt — under Maradona's influence — at once both fluid and precise, a skilful tango on the turf. Argentina has declared three days of national mourning. One million people are expected to attend his public wake in Buenos Aires’ Casa Rosada, the national government seat. Meanwhile, the loss of Maradona is being felt around the world, including across the football-obsessed Caribbean region. A superstar in his own right, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt posted photos of himself with Maradona on Facebook, accompanied by the caption, “RIP to Legend #Maradona

” There was no doubt that Maradona was a flawed and complex hero. The quarter-finals of Mexico 1986 World Cup — when he and the rest of the Argentinian team faced down England, at a time when tensions between the two countries over the Falklands war was still high — was the perfect and enduring example of how he could be both sinner and saint. The first goal of that match was a desperate handball after 51 long minutes which, controversially, the referee allowed. Maradona scored again just four minutes later, after a dazzling and seemingly impossible dribble around five England players, slipping the ball past the keeper in what most football experts concur was the “Goal of the Century”. After the match, when a small cohort of reporters bombarded him with questions about the first goal, Maradonna cheekily replied that he had a little help from “the hand of God” — in a quote since eternalized in football history. Argentina won the game 2–1 and went on to claim the Cup, beating West Germany in the final. Maradona won FIFA's Ballon d'Or for player of the tournament, and for many football fans — despite his frequent missteps off the field — he will remain a player for all time. Terry Fenwick, one of the England defenders who failed to stop Maradona at that quarter-final match in 1986, agrees. Upon learning of Maradona's passing, Fenwick, who is currently the head coach of Trinidad and Tobago's national football team, said:

Today is an extremely sad day for world football. I would like to extend condolences to Diego’s family, his friends and all of his former teammates, especially all the guys who were on the field that day in ’86. I can recall it like yesterday. It is one of the matches and moments that never leaves you. For me, he was undoubtedly the greatest to ever play the game and certainly the best I have ever encountered. As much as we were steaming mad about the [first] goal that was allowed and the fact that we lost and had to pack our bags after that game, we were all in awe of what he was capable of—what he did generally in that game and the tournament as a whole. It was just pure genius. Indeed a privilege to share the same pitch and come up against such a unique figure. RIP Diego.

In 2000, FIFA created a one-off Player of the Century award, of which Maradona was the joint winner along with Brazil's Pelé. That same year, Italian club Napoli, for whom Maradona played from 1984 to 1991 in what became the club's most successful years in its history, retired his Number 10 jersey in honour of his achievements. Napoli won two Coppa Italia Series A during that period, marking the first time a southern club claimed the Scudetto, Italy's highest football trophy. In 2001, the Argentine Football Association asked FIFA to also retire Maradona's Number 10 jersey of Argentina's national team, a request which the international football body did not grant.

Written by Janine Mendes-Franco

[almostarchaeology]

Before Conan the Barbarian, There Was Bran

By Adrián Maldonado

I write about medieval barbarians in my legit academic work, and use this blog to explore how they occasionally escape from our powerpoint slides into the public consciousness.

I recently realized that for all my degrees, I didn’t know a thing about one of history’s most famous barbarians. It was high time I looked up Conan.

Stock image of Dark Age Europe

In my 80s childhood, Conan the Barbarian was a kind of folk character – a stock image of a beefy white guy in a furry loincloth with a giant sword. (I would probably be picturing Conan the Librarian, to be honest.) But I already had He-Man in my life, a knock-off Conan cartoon made to sell toys, though I could not have known that because the cartoon was so unspeakably awesome it would brook no questioning. Indeed, I only discovered the Schwarzenegger Conan films later on, when I was old enough to realize he had made other weird, non-science fiction films back in the Reagan era. I knew vaguely that the character was based on a book, or was it a comic book? This was before the internet, and before I could ever give a shit about a character with no good action figures.

Flash forward twenty years or so, when I am a grizzled Xennial hunched over his computer, writing about depictions of the Picts in pop culture. Immersed in terrible filmic depictions of ancient Scottish warriors (always warriors), it struck me that I had never thought about Conan the Barbarian. What kind of barbarian was he meant to be? Did his story take place in some kind of historical epoch? Were there Picts in it that I could add to my list?

Imagine my shock when I did find a Pict down this rabbit hole (or souterrain?), and he looked like this:

Whatever else I was working on, stopped.

***

Robert E. Howard is best known today as the creator of Conan the Barbarian. But little did I know that he was one of the first pop culture appropriators of the Picts. Indeed, he was writing about the Picts long before he even conceived of Conan. The Picts were his muse. I feel like this is important, and I may need more than one blog post to say why. But first, an introduction.

I had seen some hilarious renderings of Picts over the years, but they always fell into the usual stereotype of tattooed maniacs hurling themselves onto Roman spears.

Tattooed maniacs hurling themselves onto Roman spears (source)

This 1960s paperback collection of stories by Howard entitled Bran Mak Morn, apparently the last king of the Picts, depicted this king Pict as a Neanderthal surrounded by howling ape-men. To me, this seemed like the purest distillation of the idea of the barbarians beyond the wall as sub-human, a trope developed in Roman imperial propaganda and continually reproduced today by the Hadrian’s Wall heritage ecosystem.

The paperback was one of a series of reprints of Howard’s genre-defining pulp fantasy of the 1920s and 1930s, brought back to life in the wake of the Tolkien wave of the 60s. Closer inspection revealed that Frank Frazetta’s 1969 cover image bore little resemblance to the description of Bran himself in Howard’s tales, even if his Pictish ‘race’ was certainly of a simian variety. More on this presently. What I wanted to know first was how a Texas kid learned about the Picts in the early 20th century, and came out with this.

***

Robert E Howard had a tough childhood in his native Texas. Coming from a broken home, he moved around a lot and read books to keep himself company. In 1919, at the age of 13, his father dragged him to New Orleans while he took classes, so he squirrelled himself away in a library on Canal Street. It was there that he first read about the Picts in a book about British history. The image of a little, dark race from the north that hassled the Romans but could never be conquered fascinated him. Perhaps due to the ray of light this book gave him at a sensitive point in his childhood, the Picts remained ingrained in his mind for the rest of his short life, which he would later take in 1936, at the age of 30.

Like many other nerdy kids, he wrote stories to pass the time. In his archive were found several early writings which reveal the impact the Picts had on him. There is a school paper from 1920-23 about the Picts. The first story he ever submitted for publication was about the Picts, ‘The Lost Race’, but it was rejected by the editor of Weird Tales in 1924. He sold his first story later that year, beginning his professional writing career. A revised version of ‘The Lost Race’ was finally published in Weird Tales in 1927, introducing the world to Bran Mak Morn, a Pictish king who fought the Romans. He would go on to make several more appearances in Howard’s swords-and-sorcery tales, and the Picts eventually became one of the myriad ‘races’ in Howard’s Hyborian Age, a proto-prehistoric shared universe inhabited by Conan the Barbarian.

Bran Mak Morn by Gary Gianni (source)

Howard’s Picts are a peculiar bunch. From his first essay on them, he describes them as the remnants of the stone age inhabitants of Britain, comparing their appearance to Native Americans. In this view, they were the ‘Mediterraneans’ (as opposed to Celts or Nordics) who first brought the knowledge of farming to Britain in the Neolithic. They were eventually swept aside by the fair-skinned ‘Celtic’ race of metalworkers, at which point they were forced to mingle and interbreed with the indigenous cavemen, a barely human simian-like race. This meant that by the arrival of the Romans, the Picts had become stunted, swarthy, long-armed ape-men. All except Bran Mak Morn, their king, who had kept his bloodline pure. All pretty disgusting racial logic now, but hey, so the argument goes, it was the 20s.

Except that here it was, unfiltered and raw, in a book released during the height of the civil rights struggle in the United States. I bought this ancient artefact off of Amazon for pennies, and holding it in 2017, it felt like I’d acquired an illicit antiquity. Plenty of writers have tripped over themselves to call out and defend Tolkien and Howard regarding the racial (if not always racist) component to their mythical prehistories, so I won’t go down that route just now. But that cover image haunted me.

***

In 2005, Bran Mak Morn received a brand-new edition, the Weird Tales stories now bundled with unpublished manuscripts, fragments of Howard’s correspondence, and critical essays by Rusty Burke and Patrice Louinet. Armed with an annotated timeline of Howard’s Pictish writings, which spanned his career, and supplemented with google-fu, I was able to clarify the genesis of Bran Mak Morn.

Former Canal Street public library, New Orleans, 1911 (source)

It is possible to trace the public library Howard visited when he was 13, when he first encountered a British history book and his vision of the dark, prehistoric Picts. The Canal Street public library in question must be the one that formerly stood at 2940 Canal Street at the corner of South Gayoso, opened in 1911. A photograph survives on the New Orleans library website, and Google Maps reveals it is now a Yoga studio.

Origin myths of the Picts (source)

Rusty Burke has also plausibly identified the very book that Howard seems to have read: The Romance of Early British Life (1909) by George Francis Scott Elliot. This is apparently one of the flashy, pulpy ‘Library of Romance’ published by London-based Seeley and Co, described as ‘profusely illustrated’ ‘gift books’, which included among their number volumes such as The Romance of Modern Mining and The Romance of the World’s Fisheries. The author Scott Elliot was a botanist and antiquarian, president of Dumfries and Galloway Natural History and Antiquarian Society during an apparent low point in its history.

The fairly ridiculous book in question seems to have been written for Edwardian teenage boys, and does indeed bear the DNA of Howard’s later writing on the Picts: “In very ancient times Britain had been twice conquered, first by the small, dark Picts of the Mediterranean, and later (about 2000 or 1000 B.C.) by the tall, brown-haired, Gaelic-speaking Celts (237).” The chapter on the introduction of farming to Britain is called ‘The coming of the Picts’, in which Scott Elliot explains that they have been called by several names before – Homo Mediterraneus, Basques, Iberians, Silurians, the Firbolg, the Dolmen-builders – but he calls them Picts to save on ink (80-1). He claims they are still readily identifiable in the present day, as the short, brunette people who are mostly found in towns and cities, unlike the fairer Teutons or Kelts who prefer the countryside (92-3).

Howard’s vision of the Picts was thus formulated by the equivalent of our contemporary public archaeology, an accessible potted prehistory of Britain by one of Scotland’s leading antiquaries. Why this particular image, of a dark, forgotten people without a history, resonated so deeply with him, is a subject to ponder. But he was clearly not alone in his fascination. While racial views of the past soon died out in archaeological writing, they would go on to have a tenacious grip on the fantasy world. And which of these two genres do you think has a greater influence on people’s image of the medieval past?

***

Why does any of this matter? It is a demonstration of the role of ‘the Picts’, in various guises, as the untermenschen of what you might call western folk history. The fact that a young boy in inter-war Louisiana could head to the nearest library, read about them in a cheap history book, and then build a world-beating fictional universe that is still beloved today based on this is remarkable. As I’ve spent some time documenting on these pages, that image of the Picts is still in a way with us. A recent article in the Glasgow Herald has the reporter coming to the shocking insight that the Picts were not ‘hairy savages’ after speaking briefly to a couple of scholars. I wonder if that means we are doing our job well, or terribly.

It also opens up questions about the central role of race at the origins of both archaeology and the fantasy genre, a sticky subject that will have to be the subject of future blog posts [Editor's note: now read the follow-up to this post]. In the meantime, go check out similar topics being covered over on The Public Medievalist. 

And hey, why not donate to your local public library while you’re at it?

***

Follow us on ​@AlmostArch

Header image via Jeff Black

[junker-town]

The 6 QBs who played for both the 49ers and Chiefs, sorted by tier

Photo by David Madison/Getty Images

From Joe Montana to Alex Smith, five notable passers have gone from San Francisco to Kansas City. One more has gone in the other direction.

The San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs will meet in Super Bowl 54 after an exciting pair of conference championship games. Both are storied franchises in their own right, but they share a unique connection.

For one reason or another, five starting-caliber quarterbacks have made their way from the 49ers to the Chiefs over the years. The highest-profile quarterback of the bunch is Joe Montana and the most recent example is Alex Smith.

A sixth quarterback, Bob Gagliano, went the other way, from Kansas City to San Francisco.

These quarterbacks have ranged from the legendary to the utterly forgettable, and we’ve put them in five handy tiers below.

The Legendary Tier

Joe Montana

13 years with 49ers (100-39, 14-5 in playoffs) 2 years with Chiefs (17-8, 2-2 in playoffs)

Montana was a four-time Super Bowl champion, three-time Super Bowl MVP, two-time league MVP, and possibly the greatest quarterback in Super Bowl history. He is one of the most important figures in 49ers history, which is why it’s kind of mind-blowing that he was eventually traded to the Chiefs in favor of up-and-comer Steve Young.

There wasn’t any bad blood that led to Montana being dealt to the Chiefs after 13 years with the 49ers. There was simply a young gun waiting in the wings at the tail end of Montana’s career.

Still, imagine if the Patriots traded Tom Brady a couple years ago because they were excited about Jimmy Garoppolo — even if it made sense, it would still shock the sporting world.

Young got significant playing time with the 49ers when Montana went down with an elbow injury that forced him to miss the entire 1991 season and most of 1992 as well. Young looked like the future of the 49ers, so when Montana was healthy in 1993, he was traded to the Chiefs.

The 49ers wound up winning a Super Bowl with Young during the 1994 season, while Montana got to work with Kansas City. In 1993, he led the Chiefs to their first division win since 1971, making his eighth and final Pro Bowl in the process. That year, the Chiefs advanced to the AFC Championship, but an injury took Montana out in the third quarter of a 30-13 loss to the Bills.

The following season, Montana got the Chiefs back to the playoffs. A wild card loss to Dan Marino and the Dolphins was Montana’s final game, however. He announced his retirement that offseason. He was later elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility.

The Deserved Better Tier

Alex Smith

7 years with 49ers (38-36, 1-1 in playoffs) 5 years with Chiefs (50-26, 1-4 in playoffs)

Alex Smith was the top pick in the 2005 draft, when the 49ers chose him over local product Aaron Rodgers. But Smith’s tenure with the 49ers was rocky. Early in his career he suffered a serious shoulder injury and missed the entire 2008 season, and then found himself battling for the starting job.

In seven seasons with the team, he went through three head coaches and six offensive coordinators. He would later describe the 49ers organization of the time as “completely dysfunctional.”

When he finally started to play well under Jim Harbaugh in 2012, Smith sustained a concussion midway through the season. Colin Kaepernick then moved into the starting lineup, where he excelled.

That led to Smith losing his starting spot, and the 49ers traded him to the Chiefs before the 2013 season.

In Kansas City under Andy Reid, Smith went from an underachiever to perhaps the best game manager in the league. He developed a reputation for protecting the football, and Reid got more good games out of Smith than he ever had with the 49ers. Unfortunately, Smith was never able to win more than a single playoff game with both teams.

The Chiefs drafted Patrick Mahomes in 2017, and he sat behind Smith for a year. Reid knew that Mahomes would be his quarterback of the future, and the Chiefs ended up trading Smith to Washington in early 2018. While Smith led Washington to a 6-4 record, a devastating leg injury ended his season and possibly career.

Smith has had 17 surgeries on his leg since. However, he is not officially retired, and has said that he wants to come back.

The “Good Enough to Get You Beat” Tier

Steve DeBerg

3 years with 49ers (7-28) 4 years with Chiefs (31-20, 1-2 in playoffs)

Ah, Steve DeBerg. The quarterback who kept getting replaced by younger guys. He bounced around a bit after the 49ers and before landing with the Chiefs. He’s also a quarterback who was much better in Kansas City than he was in San Francisco.

DeBerg was the 49ers’ starting quarterback in 1979, the first year Bill Walsh brought his revolutionary West Coast offense to San Francisco.

Speaking of Walsh, he once famously described DeBerg as “just good enough to get you beat,” which means he was utterly infuriating to watch, even if he wasn’t always bad.

DeBerg tended to play up or down to the competition he faced, though to his credit, he was never afraid to throw the ball. In 1979, he led the league in completions (347) and pass attempts (578), but he also threw more interceptions (21) than touchdowns (17). He won few games in Walsh’s offense, which wouldn’t really get going until Montana took over for good during the 1980 season.

In 1981, DeBerg was traded to the Broncos, where he compiled a 5-6 record and later backed up John Elway. He was then traded to the Buccaneers. In Tampa, he started sporadically (and also backed up Steve Young and Vinny Testaverde) en route to an 8-26 record in four seasons.

He was traded a third time in 1988 — this time to the Chiefs. DeBerg’s play definitely improved in Kansas City. Not only did he have a winning record in his four seasons, but he even notched a playoff win. He went from throwing 37 touchdowns and 60 interceptions with the 49ers to throwing 67 touchdowns against 50 interceptions with the Chiefs.

The journeyman quarterback would rejoin the Buccaneers in 1992, then spent time with the Dolphins and Marino in 1993 before retiring. Five years later (!), DeBerg returned as a backup with the Falcons under head coach Dan Reeves, who coached DeBerg in Denver. DeBerg became the oldest quarterback to start a game that season and was the oldest player on a Super Bowl roster. The Falcons lost to Elway and the Broncos in Super Bowl XXXIII.

He retired for the second time after that season, at 45 years old.

The Decidedly Average Tier

Steve Bono

4 years with 49ers (5-1) 3 years with Chiefs (21-10, 0-1 in playoffs)

We’re getting into “who?” territory here, but Bono did compete in the playoffs, which is more than some quarterbacks can say. He sat behind Montana and Young for a while in San Francisco, before starting six games in 1991 when both went down with injuries. He went 5-1 and threw 10 touchdowns and three interceptions in those six starts.

In 1994, he was traded to the Chiefs in exchange for a fourth-round pick. Bono was Montana’s backup once again that year and then became the starting quarterback in 1995 after Montana retired. He even had a 76-yard touchdown run, then the longest by a quarterback in NFL history:

Bono played well for the Chiefs, leading them to a 13-3 record and a division title in 1995. He also made his first and only Pro Bowl that season. In 1996, he went 8-5 with 12 touchdowns and 13 interceptions, then was released prior to the 1997 season in favor of the next guy on this list.

You’d think, looking at his record, that Bono might be underrated here, but he played on some very good teams with excellent supporting casts — guys like Marcus Allen, Derrick Thomas, and Neil Smith in Kansas City and Jerry Rice, Tom Rathman, and Charles Haley in San Francisco. He also threw a lot of interceptions (42 for his career, compared to 62 touchdowns) and had a low completion percentage, just 55.3 percent in his time with the Chiefs.

Elvis Grbac

3 years with 49ers (6-3) 4 years with Chiefs (26-21, 0-1 in playoffs)

Grbac is another player who occasionally looked quite good on the stat sheet, but was probably more of a product of the players around him than anything else. Drafted by the 49ers in 1993, Grbac was Young’s backup during their Super Bowl run in 1994.

He would go on to start nine games with the 49ers. In his three years in San Francisco, Grbac had a 6-3 mark with 18 touchdowns against 16 interceptions. He made more of an impact after signing with the Chiefs in free agency. There, he took over the reins as starting quarterback when the team released Bono.

He and Rich Gannon shared the snaps that 1997 season, though Grbac got the nod to start their Divisional Round playoff game against the Broncos. The Chiefs lost a close defensive battle, 14-10.

In Kansas City, Grbac won 26 games and even made the Pro Bowl in the 2000 season, but he was never a guy who could elevate the Chiefs. He signed with the Ravens before the 2001 season, and after starting 14 games and two more in the playoffs, he was released that offseason. He opted for retirement rather than a backup gig elsewhere.

The Trivia Answer Tier

Bob Gagliano

2 years with Chiefs 1 year with 49ers (1-0)

Only one quarterback went the other way — from the Chiefs to the 49ers — and that was Bob “The Goose” Gagliano, out of Utah State. Gagliano didn’t have much of an NFL career, joining the Chiefs in 1982 and throwing just one pass (a completion!).

After three seasons as a backup, he signed with the USFL’s Denver Gold and then joined the 49ers in 1986. He started one game for the 49ers, during a players’ strike. He won the game while throwing for just 150 yards and no touchdowns. Gagliano had brief stints with the Oilers and Colts in 1988 before signing with the Lions in 1989.

He wound up starting 11 games in Detroit, but generally did nothing of note during his playing career.

So far, it’s safe to say the Chiefs have gotten more out of 49ers quarterbacks than the other way around.

[amnachil]

The High School Game Part 8

(no i’m not coming back several months after, absolutely not :p)

Gregory DAY 60 Saturday

The after-match was going well. The young lad played as an attacking midfielder, while Tobias took Sam position as the supporting striker. However, the game turned out to be a big joke. Raphaël, displaised by Tobias attitude, decided to play solo. He scored 3 goals alone, leaned on his defense to make the rest. And they won this way, the others strikers desperately useless. Sam, constrained to the bench, had a lot of fun seing the spectacle, and laughed hard during 90 minutes. We tried to make fun of him but he had more fun than us... Gregory leant his lesson : do not prepare a plan without the captain approval. Anyway, Tobias, sportsman-like, organized a surprise-party as always. And now, they were in his manor, having fun. I'm so happy. Thanks to Raphaël support, the discreet boy started to become popular. He spent a long time after gym class every night exercising with Thomas. Rumours spread faster : 11th grade student thought he was the new right arm, instead of Sam and Tobias. And I managed to move aside both of them... Indeed, Tobias was moving soon, and Sam... well Sam being Sam, Gregory used his pride to trap him. He will never succeed my bet, but I will feed him so much he will just explode. And rigt after, Raphaël will be the only barrier between him and the success. Everything is going well. The others shouted when he won another beerpong game. Easy. Gregory sighed and found his way towards the buffet. Sam was here, eating like there was no tomorrow.

"Care buddy, I could make you stuff yourself, you know ?"

The brown lad smiled.

"Try it. I can handle everything, knowing you're too bad to be supporting striker."

"What do you mean ?"

"Well, you saw this : Raphaël did not need your help or Tobias's one to win. So why would he designates you supporting stricker while I was better, even without my full muscle capacity ?"

Gregory smiled. This motherfucker was just provoking him. He wants me to lose face. He will be disappointed. He knew he can't feed Sam too much, or the captain would notice somethings, but his "partner" got what's coming for him.

The discreet boy took a slice of pizza, and looked for Barbara and Jessy. Thanks to rumours, he knew the latter had a crush on Liam, the goalkeeper. By the way, where is this boy ? He disappeared, like the two girls. What the fuck are they doing ? Gregory searched them for a while, but he bumbep into Shirley. The blond girl was more or less hiding under the stairs, and watched Sam with sadness. Poor thing... Maybe she needs some comfort. He decided to join her, and smiled when she noticed him.

"You were not at the match." he stated. "We won."

"Ten persons told me Raphaël won." she agressively replied. "You're the only one to say the contrary. And to be honest, I watched the whole game, and I can tell you deserve no special credit."

Gregory lost his smile. She wants to fight ? Okay, I can do this too.

"Sam and I became good friends." he whispered. "He told me you were the worst girlfriend of his life."

Shirley gave him a dirty look. Yeah, irritate yourself chick, and make a spectacle of yourself.

"I suppose it's better than having no one." she responded. "By the way, you said Sam and I were a sweet couple one week ago. How much opportunist and brown-noser are you, exactly ?"

"Well, this is the game, as Raphaël would said. Be a good loser Shirley, and admit I was better than you."

"You're so pathethic. Manipulated by your captain, you just think you're special. But let me tell you a secret, Gregory : you have nothing. You are just easier to manipulate than the others."

He clenched his fist. How she dared ? He was at the head of everything, soon better than Sam and Tobias, and after that... Anyway, she had no right to insult him while she was the hated-girl.

"Look at you." Shirley continued. "You want to tease like Sam used to, but you just failed. Exactly like on the field. It seems like you're a unlucky boy, after all."

He grabed her shirt, enraged.

"You will pay for this. I'll make you pay, do you hear me ?"

"What could you take from me I didn't already lose ? My boyfriend act like if I wasn't existing, and my only friend decided I was responsible of all his misfortune. You have nothing to steal from me now."

"I will find." he promised. "I'll find."

Gregory left the manor quickly. He knew some random guy saw him, meaning his improviastion worked. And now, I will have another rumour about me. I will become even more popular than Raphaël, thanks to this stupid Shirley. Everything was going fine.

Shirley DAY 61 Sunday

She left the party early (she understood Sam would not come to her, he just acted like she was not here). After a disturbed sleep, she went to her athletics without any motivation. The training last 3 hours. Shirley worked with a group, mainly running, but sometimes, they did the others sporting disciples (her favourite was javelin throw). Having started at 9:00, she finished at 12:00, satisfied with her performance. Suddenly, she caught sight of Liam, waiting beside the running track. She came closer and smiled :

"Hi mate. How are ya ?"

Seeing her, the black-haired guy smiled too. He had a cheerfully smile.

"Hey Shir'. I'm fine, and you ? You're quite good, as much as I see."

"Well, thanks. I'm training for years now. What are you doing here ?"

"Waiting for my sister." he replied while showing a young girl on the track. Oh, they are siblings ? I did not know that. She knew Chloe, a 7th grade student promised to be one of the best runners of the athletics club. And now, she could actually notice resemblance with Liam.

"Usually, it's my mother who get her back." he explained, guessing her question. "But she is busy with my little brother right now, and asked me to come."

"Okay."

Shirley did not want this moment to end. She needed this discussion, making her feel better. At least, the goalkeeper treated her with respect. But what she could say ? I have to try my luck.

"Last time, you said me you disliked Jessy's physic... But would you date her if she was... slightly different ?"

He blushed like a eight years old shy boy and lower his eyes.

"Probably..." he answered in a hushed tone.

"Well, I can give you some advice if you want me to. As you said, I'm like... well, a specialist. At least according to rumours."

"You will tell me you have not feed Sam in order to make him gain weight ?"

She smiled. He was smarter than he looked. And he is one of Raphaël's closest relatives. I have to be careful on this.

"You know what I did. And I can help you to do the same thing to Jessy. That will be easy, seeing as she doesn't pratice any sport except equitation on Sunday."

He frowned, suspicious.

"What did you want in exchange for you help ?"

Here we are... High school community worked by deals. Students signed several arguments, and tried to keep them secret. They all wanted popularity, success, a relationship and good grades. It was a constant fight against rumours and envy. Liam as for her were not exception to the rule. They both wanted something. Well, the boy wanted Jessy. A chubby Jessy. However, Shirley hesitated. What I really want ? She dreamed about Sam, but also revenge against Raphaël, Jessy (but she can't make a deal about that with Liam, of course) and this fucking asshole of Gregory. The goalkeeper waited her answer, but she had to be cautious. He is too close with Raphaël... He will not betray his friend for me. Nevertheless, he don't know Gregory very well... I can use this... Or I can use him to make up with Sam. Eventually, she chose.

"I teach you how to date Jessy and fatten her up a bit, and you help me against Gregory."

"How am I supposed to do that ?"

Good. He did not decline, so he was ready to give it a try. Sam would never forgive her anyway, but she still could make Gregory pay.

"Spread a rumour for me. Well, that's not really a rumour, but when Jessy will hear it, everyone will be aware of this."

She came closer, and whispered :

"Tell to them Gregory want to take the team captain position."

Shirley went back home pleased by the new development. Liam was a sweet boy, in love and quite smart to understand where his interest was. He agreed to the deal. Soon, Raphaël will find out about Gregory ambition, and they will tear each other apart. She was back in the game. The young girl went upstair, avoid her sisters and entered in her bedroom. Suddenly, Dan hailed her. He came closer and smiled. Obviously, he knew about her separation, and since last Sunday, he tried his best to lift her spirits. Today, as every weekend, despite being 13:00, he worn his pajamas, probably woken since 30 minutes or less. The clothes (a new outfit) were loose enought to hide the most of his fat. However, his belly, which packed the most of it, was still visible, as a bump under his shirt. The gut hung over his pants sized 36, apparently bloated from a big breakfast. And still, Dan was eating a slice of bread with chocolate.

"How was your lesson sis' ?" he asked.

"Fine. I'm training for the january tournament, and my instrutor think I'm better than the last year."

"That's good ! And you have one last week at school before holidays. It'll be alright, isn't it ?"

She smiled. His brother was so sweet. She could not understand how this awesome guy tolerate Raphaël coldness. Needless to say, since Sam left her, Dan was the reason she had not a nervous breakdown. But soon, her rumour will spread, thanks to Liam, and she will have her revenge.

"Everything will be fine bro'." the girl stated. "Futhermore, Wednesday we have the christmas day : feast, party and good mood are obligatory. I'm among the volunteer to make the cook on Thursday, and I think I will have fun."

"Yeah, I hope you will." he replied. "Raphaël invitated me to the party : I will manage to be here, okay ?"

She nodded. Really, the idea of her vengeance expanding gave her satisfaction. She watched her brother go downstairs while rubbing his belly, and smiled. The game had began again.

Sam DAY 63 Thuesday

Sat here, in the coach office after the gym class, Sam felt a bit nervous. Next to him, Raphaël wrote an message, totally quiet. Well he is not the one coach Litman summoned. The two boys already knew the reason of this little meeting. When the coach arrived and sat, Sam gulped. He did a workout routine, and exercised as much as possible. He did not know his weight, because he was too busy to weight and was persuaded he lost some fat. After all, his pants fittted and his shirt were not smug anymore. The young boy felt comfortable, and he hoped coach Litman will not be too strict.

"Okay boys, let's begin. You probably know why we're here." started this one. "Sam, you can't remain our supporting striker as long as you're... hum... not ready."

Out of shape. He wanted to say out of shape. The brown lad sensed he will dislike the development.

"I think we will appoint you substitute, and let an other player take your place."

"You said he had to get back in shape before the holidays." interrupted Raphaël. "He still have one week, plus the two weeks of vacations."

Coach sighed.

"Please, how could he succeed on time ? Nobody lose weight during christmas, it's even more the contrary. And the last week of school will not be enough. We have to replace him in order to win our next games. He can't stay beside you in those conditions. Sam, what training are you doing ?"

"Workout on morning, especially bodybuilding and running. And I came to gym class every day last week."

Well, that was a lie. To be honest, Sam did his workout every two day, because bodybuilding was exhausting, and he disliked run beneath everyone's eyes. But it was enough to get back in shape, he knew that. Coach mumbled :

"This is good, but I think you would not be able to make it. Seeing you know, I'm sure it will be too hard."

"Let him try." asked (ordered) Raphaël. "We will designate another supporting striker meanwhile, but Sam is still our first-team player officially."

Coach Litman nodded. I already know my bestfriend was authoritatian, but wow... I will have to thank him for this. It was quite impressive, particularly knowing their instructor was 195 cm and weighted something like 110 kg of fat and muscle mixed.

"I thought Gregory would be a good supporting striker. He became faster, this last month."

Sam frowned. This cockcroach, instead of him. No way. He is too bad. Raphaël fixed his gaze on the coach and smiled slowly. He exuded such a callouness, the brown lad shuddered.

"It's out of the question. Gregory get the physics ability, but he have the wrong mentality. He will always try to score by himself, and will ruin our teamplay."

Well, last time, you ruined the teamplay. Obviously, Sam did not say that. Coach Litman neither. They both knew Raphaël was essential to the team, unlike Gregory.

"We have plenty of players who want a place in our team, even as a substitute." continued Raphaël. "Designate one of the substitute, and take another guy in his place."

"But... substitute are substitute because they are the worst player of our team."

"Maybe, but Sam will come back soon enough, and to be honest, I can handle pool phase all by myself. Are we all right ?"

The coach and the brown lad nodded, too cautious to brave the team captain. Anyway, he was right, for sure.

Back home, Sam was hungry (Greg fed him at noon as much as possible, and then he ate somes donuts, but still he was hungry) and rushed towards the fridge. He opened the door and smelt the odor of chocolat mousse. Indeed, his mother left a big container full of it and a word. He read it, curious while his stomach gurgled :

"Honey, this is one of my special dessert I made for the high school christmas lunch as a volunteer. Please, have a taste of it and tell me how it is."

He did not need to be told twice. Sam took a generous spoon and put it on his mouth. A multitude of flavor enguled his throat, and he sighed with pleasure. It's so good. He felt the warmth taste of chocolate fill his stomach. He watched the container with envy. His mother took the bigger, and there were still a lot of mousse. One more can't hurt. The young boy took a second spoon, and polished it in no time at all. Then, he closed the door and went to his bedroom, satisfied. This christmas meal will be so nice. Greg already warned him : it will be a feast. But the bet would be ended, and Sam would have win. The lad sat on his chair and patted his tummy. I can't lose this, I want this laptop. He took a can of protein shake (A lot lied around his desk) and drank, his head full of ideas. Then, he opened his agenda, and watched his homeworks. Sam started by mathematics, while eating some chips, but he felt bothered. This assignement was annoying, and he hated mathematics. Plus, chips were quite gross after the wonderful chocolat mousse. The idea of the dessert made his belly gurgle again. Well, seems like I'm still hungry. He was used to eat a lot, since his started his workout routine again, in order to have energy. Sam devoured two larges bawls of cereal and a glass of milk every morning, plus some cookies his mother made. Then, before school, he bought donuts at Liliano's bakery, a six or twelve bag. Then, Greg gave him some snacks during the class, and they went back to the bakery during the break. They did this the whole day, plus lunch, where Sam ate at the canteen, and then at Mcdo (Greg made sure he stuffed himself). And every evening, his mother Nadia cooked a real feast for her son, glad to see he had an appetite again. In fact, the only difference with before was now, the young lad exercised. Shirley made him fat by made him lazy. Now, I'm working out, and I'm not fat anymore. I'm losing the weight really fast, definitly. His stomach gurgled again, excited by the idea of eat. Sam went downstairs, checked he was still alone and opened the fridge. One spoon will be fine. There is still plenty of it. Slowly, he ate one spoon. And another. And a third. Sam, without even notice, brought the container to his bedroom. He gorged himself with the delicious dessert. It's so good. After a while, he bleched loudly and took a break. With patience, he rubbed his bloated belly. This chocolat mousse his too tasty... But now, I will put it away. With another blech, he stood up. Woah, I'm so stuffed. His belly, round and hard, felt nice. Sam lower his eyes and stare at the remainder of the dessert. It smelt so appetizing. Well... I guess a little more could not hurt. Carefully, he sat down onto his bed. During at least 30 minutes, he pigged out. His bloated tummy was ready to explode, but the delicious dessert was too attractive. He stuffed himself the whole container, while rubbing his distended stomach. He was unable to stand up straight, currently in a food coma.

"Son ?! I'm back !" shouted his mother from downstair.

Sam, barely able to think, did not answer. Holy shit, I need to find a explanation. I will tell her I invited some friends... He belched, and closed his eyes. Before all, it was time for a nap.

"I'll call you for diner !" his mother shouted again.

He smiled, and fell asleep.

Gregory DAY 64 Wednesday

As he walked towards tle classroom, the young boy could feel his mates staring at him. His plan to get himself talked about was working well. In the near future, he would be even more popular than Raphaël. The power is mine. However, one thing was turning wrong. Sam appatite and capacity were higher than he thought. This asshole could really win the bet. Despite being overfed the whole day by perpetual snacks and a huge double lunch, the brown lad succeeded so far. Anyway, lose a latpop worhty 800$ was not so bad if Gregory became in the same time the new head of the 11th grade.

"Hey Gregory. What's up ?"

Jessy, his beautiful and big boobs sized schoolmate, smiled. With her black hair and blue eyes, she was quite cute, depiste being not Gregory's favourite. I deserve better than her. Plus, the last check-up on december revealed she gained  1 kg, being now at 62. It means she will become obese before her twenties, and I don't want such a girlfriend. To be honest, his ideal was Shirley, but with a much lenient personality.

"I'm fine." he eventually replied. "Ready for our history exam ?"

"Well, as much as I can be I guess." she smiled again. "But I wanted to have a discussion with you before."

"Yeah ? What can I do for you ?"

Already, people came to him instead of Raphaël. This is the beginning of something new. But I will be good with you captain, because you and your brother were nice to me. Maybe Raphaël would be his right arm.

"I heard you have some... different with Shirley. I have some too. To be honest, I expected her to be devastated after Sam left her, but she act like if nothing happened. Even worst, I saw her talk with my new boyfriend Liam, and I dislike the idea. We both have interest in common."

Gregory gave a faint scowl. This was even better than he thought. With the gossip girl help, he would be able to find a weakness. A way to make Shirley pay for her provocations.

"What are you offering ?"

"She lost her boyfriend, and everyone hate her, but she still think she can be happy because her brother supported her. We have to break their relation."

"How ?"

Gregory felt excited by this. Shirley loved her brother, and talked about him often. If they have an argument, she will be devastated.

"Spreading a rumor. A rumor which make her a real asshole, even for her brother. I already have an idea, but I can't spread it myself. I need you to do this."

Jessy came closer and whispered the development :

"Tell everyone she is lesbian. Okay, you think it's totally dumb, but think for a sec. She love sport, and have the body of a real little boy. And she is short-haired, always wearing jeans or sweatpants. Please, she is the only girl doing that."

"I don't give a fuck about the truth. This is awesome, she will felt devasted, and her brother will be disgusted. Really, this is a nice idea. But we can improve it a bit."

To be continued

Well, this is soon christmas holidays (in the story of course) and we’ll have fun with that ! I’m sorry for taking so long before posting a new part, I’ll try to be effective again !!

[condormirror35-blog]

Ask Sam Mailbag: 01.25.19

Sampled Dunn some more. Yep. Passed way better on the glide after separation. Gets where he wants with his left hand, but likes to distribute off his right hand. Letting him get downhill on you is a mistake. Sets up his assists with his mid-range game. That can in general work, and it works for him lately. The one exceptional thing that Dunn does is press coverage beyond the arc. Don't know if he's indifferent about it, but when he lights it up, it's hard to remember someone that's nastier. He's not as deft as Cheeks or as cunning as Bruce Bowen. He lacks Richard Hamilton's endless energy. He's got hands like Clyde. The thing I like about him is that he plays over his feet and is reaching less. On Zion Williamson, ESPN sure adores him. He's what happens when they're catching their breath from the LBJ tape loops. I'm not a believer. Look. He's unusual. Really, really small sample size we're talking about though. Marcus Fizer was a big dude, too. Not saying he's anyone but Zion Williamson, but who exactly is that? history says good chance some guy outplays him that's taken twelve positions after he comes off the board. Does anybody ever look at these re-draft web pages and put things together? So, agree that it's wait and see if he's got knife and fork disease, for starters. Tractor Traylor became Aircraft Carrier. That happens, too.

Pete Zievers

Sam: That, to me, is the big question in this draft: Williamson and how he plays in the NBA and the kind of player he can be, and the Bulls needs if they get lucky. Getting the No. 1 overall pick is a very good thing. But sometimes it's a curse, like in 2007 when you couldn't pass Greg Oden as the next version of Chamberlain and Russell, and Seattle (soon stolen by Oklahoma City) became relevant with Kevin Durant. It's not so much that the Bulls have power forwards, which Williamson most looks like for the NBA even listed 6-6 for now, because if he's what he's supposed to be, a transcendent star, then move over everyone else because there is no one like that on the current roster. Though Markkanen will be better than he has been lately. Much better.

In Dunn you've described a capable NBA starter in need of a very strong backup for a reasonable tandem. Can he surpass that? After all, he still will not have played a full NBA season for the Bulls after missing the first two months this season. But if the point guard from Murray State is also elite, well, you might be a lot better off having the point guard. You need more than capable in the backcourt in today's NBA. Consider Anthony Davis. He's better than Williamson. But his teams never can do much because he cannot make plays for himself and others off the perimeter, where the NBA changed the rules and officiating to favor the guards.

Look at all the best teams in the NBA. What's in common is a guard/small forward who can score and make plays: Harden, LeBron (he's basically everything), Curry and Durant (seven foot guard), Kawhi, Kyrie. Antetokounmpo? Not sure what he is, but he has the ball a lot and scores. There are some exceptions. Well, one, Embiid. You can put together an orchestra like Denver and be good in the regular season, but you need that great, creating and scoring guard. Williamson surely is never going to be that. These guys are freshman teenagers, so who really knows. I haven't seen Morant play. But I know dynamic, athletic guards who can shoot and score in bunches when needed is the current version of the NBA center of the 60s, the NBA point forwards of the 80s like Bird and Magic. How do you win? A great, great guard seems the formula these days. But it takes great confidence and self assurance and limited access to social media to pass on everyone's No. 1. Portland would have endured media and fan hate for months if they'd have passed on Oden. Can a franchise do that in this era? The No. 1 pick may not be such a slam dunk as it has seemed. Better do some really good scouting.

Over the history of the franchise, the Bulls have produced some really good teams. Outside of the championship teams, they were a few seasons where they made a playoff run and could have possibly gotten to the Finals to win it. The teams that stand out to me are the '75, 89', 94' and '11 teams. What is your rank on Bulls teams that could have won that 7th?

Christopher Billingsley

Sam: First, thanks for a question not demanding I fire everyone in the organization. And where are the stores that sell tar and feathers. I believed the '91 Bulls would win the title; well, at least once they got to the playoffs. We all agreed at the time Portland was the big favorite that season. Yes, everyone picked against Michael Jordan back then. I never felt the '94 team had enough, and many even around the Bulls believed that even with Jordan, the Rockets were a problem because even with Jordan Houston had a winning record against the Bulls in the early title seasons. Hakeem was unguardable by those Bulls, but as much was Vernon Maxwell, a defensive oriented, athletic 6-4 shooting guard who was, well, to be gentle, erratic. There were better defenders, but no one competed with Jordan like Maxwell, who eventually was just about kicked out of the NBA for brawls with teammates and fans. Even the best players often were intimidated by Jordan; never Maxwell, who used to goad Jordan with trash talk, Jordan's specialty, bait him, try to fight him in an era where more of that was allowed. Jordan would get his points, but Maxwell occupied him like few others. It was something to see. Plus, as we knew from Phil Jackson's end game shooting choice, Scottie Pippen wasn't enough of a finisher. The truth is Jordan perhaps sort of knew. Each three peat ended on top and probably wouldn't have the fourth time. Don't fans always want the great ones to leave on top? Anyway, the one that most should have won was the '75 team that blew a 3-2 lead in the conference finals with Game 6 at home and then lost Game 7 in San Francisco. It wasn't a great team with fewer than 50 wins, but veteran and tough with scorers in Chet Walker and Bob Love. The Warriors went on to sweep the Bullets in the Finals, and even with Wes Unseld, those Bulls were too tough. Next was the 2011-12 Bulls. That near five-game loss to LeBron Heat in the 2011 playoffs was just the preview they needed. They were deep, tough, big, ready and with a star in Derrick Rose to match any in the game then, and even LeBron. I know that team would have made the Finals. Beaten the Thunder? Maybe not, which put them behind the '75 team. The '89 team was fortunate to get out of the first round amidst internal turmoil that led to Phil Jackson's hiring. The '90 team was good enough, but not quite ready like the '11 Bulls.

I miss the Jordan years especially the every other night aspect of the playoffs. What a blessing that was and what farther from it we are now.

I am a John Paxson fan. I loved the Notre Dame teams he played on. Basketball was awesome then. Besides the 3 point line, posse's, and skyrocketing salaries what do you think has been the biggest change in the NBA from then to now?

PS. Is it time for Jerry to blow this whole thing up and fire everybody? Paxson, Gar, Boylen, etc. The kids are getting so traumatized they might never recover.

Dwayne Corry

Sam: I've always written that rebuilding sounds better in theory than it is practice because you can change the channel and they have to live through six months of losing and condemnation and daily question about why. You know: Why did you lose? But if you win, what was that about? You're ruining the draft pick! In other words, as the old saying goes, if you spend too much time listening to them you'll be sitting with them. This is Year 2 of what everyone pretty much signed up for, a three to four-year project. The 76ers, who are most copied for this, did it for five years, three of which were fewer than 20 wins and one other fewer than 30 wins. Year 2 for the Bulls is heading toward half way. If you start again, you might start the clock again for another three to four years. Consider that.

The greatest change in the game has been a change that sounds great and maybe is not so much. The change in rules and officiating has allowed it to become a "small" player, or guard dominated game compared to the traditional notion to favor size. Those of us who were not so tall felt that wasn't totally fair before, so perhaps this is more democratic. The guards, especially with the ball away from the basket, are the most protected, thus most favored. It's also why, stop comparing Harden to Jordan. Or even Jerry West. They did that when the rules favored the big guy. Mike D'Antoni and the Suns figured this out before everyone else, but like it or not, you better shoot threes now, have dynamic scoring and passing guards and build your game around speed, aggressive attacking and shooting. I remember talking to the Suns scouts back then. I'd ask about some dominant big guy, like a Greg Oden type, and they said they'd love him, but if you are building a team for D'Antoni, you can't have those players on your team because Mike won't play them. So while best talent available is a reliable method in the draft, you also need to start considering what, as a team, you are trying to accomplish and how, especially if the talent level is close.

No one is talking about Jaylen Brown to Chicago. Why? He's perfect for us. While everyone's all high on Zion Williamson, we should unprotect our first-round pick to the Celtics right away. Get in the ear of the organization for me, would you, please? You've got to love Kris Dunn, Zach LaVine, Jaylen Brown, Lauri Markkanen, and Wendell Carter Jr. as a starting five, right?

Ryan Smith

Sam: No one maybe talking about it because it's crazy talk. I do like the lineup, and I'm sure Danny Ainge likes it even more. Jaylen Brown, having his poorest season and under siege from local fans, for the No. 1 overall pick? I doubt you would be very popular with your fellow Bulls fans. Obviously, no one generally gives up the No. 1 overall pick. There have been draft day deals of the top pick, and Boston did pretty well last time with Fultz to the 76ers. Though it was just a swap of a few spots. When these deals have been done lately, everyone comes away with a high pick. There was Chris Webber for three No. 1s that included Penny Hardaway. The last time I remember the pick going and no pick coming back was the famous Roy Hinson to the 76ers, who didn't want a rookie, to Cleveland for Brad Daugherty, which stopped that practice for years as No. 1 picks became more valuable. And that didn't go very well. Now with a top heavy draft this year, even if they are teenagers, no franchise could survive that sort of move unless it was for a Durant level star. You might get Brown much more cheaply as Boston has to begin to unload some of its duplication one of these days.

I get that "rebuilds take time", that we've had horrific luck with games missed due to injury, eyebrow-raising hires like Jabari, a coaching and seemingly a philosophy change. But, looking at the Hawks game, it seemed that the biggest difference between the teams (leaving aside Trey Young is the real deal) is that the Hawks were playing together. They moved on offense and defense as a unit; they were playing for each other. The Bulls are simply not doing this, maybe at all. I don't think "Kris comes down, partially brushes his man off a screen, ducks into the lane, and tosses up a 13 footer" constitutes team play. I would say the same thing about Zach's (Boylen-encouraged, granted) assault on the basket lately -- especially when, as expected, he attracts a crowd, and then fails to dish off.

I give a bit more credit to the play that frees Lauri for a time-after-time wide-open 3. I'm confident that, the more they run that play, the better Lauri will shoot it, and the less open he will find himself. But that would be basketball. I'd expect Lauri and the team to make adjustments to how they set up the freeing-up to lure the defender farther away from him, or for him to roll to the basket instead. Over and over again, we see a Bull receive a pass, his defender "get up into him" as both Thibs and Fred used to say, and rattle him, ... and we see that Bull back off, pass back further out, essentially cave to the pressure. Isn't it fundamental basketball that when a guy crowds you on defense, you blow past him -- the two most likely results being an open path to the basket or a foul? Why don't we ever see this? Why do we keep seeing the Bulls big man defending a pick-and-roll, sag off the guard instead of showing hard? Why do we keep seeing opposing players swoop in for offensive rebounds. Is this just going to take longer for this group to gel?

Chris Granner

Sam: Did you know there are bobbleheads Friday. No, look over there! Spoiler alert: Here come some excuses. I do hate these emails after a loss, which is making it more difficult because they seem to lose every Wednesday and Thursday. And, OK, Monday, Tuesday...Well lately, anyway. It's been a difficult stretch, and I guess the point is management has made a point—publicly and regularly—that they are not measuring by wins and losses. It's been so subtle in a way that it seems to have slipped by. Yes, I know there's a difference between losing and losing competitively. But if you are losing that competitively, you probably are closer. It's been a complicated period because coming off all the injuries, which essentially starts the season again, there's a new coach with a new philosophy. And while management hoped it would lead to some different priorities, it's still exceedingly difficult for a young team undergoing rotation changes with personnel being traded to play as a unit. It's why we hear so much about these, "good for 28 minutes, 32 minutes" things.

There was talk after the Atlanta loss about their movement and shooting, and why don't the Bulls do that. There was much talk under Fred Hoiberg, who was a favorite of mine, about defense and perimeter play. When anyone comes into a new job—basketball or otherwise — they'll do something different. Boylen has decided to go with more paint penetration first on offense and then fan the ball out. It seemed to work well for Phil Jackson in the 90s. There is always more than one way. The Bulls are among teams attempting the fewest threes. Along with the Spurs, Pacers and Clippers, a West contender the Bulls play Friday. But it is something that these Bulls players aren't turning on one another or anyone else, and seem determined and appropriately disappointed. I understand it's not much fun to watch if it doesn't make for a more competitive product. But players like Dunn still are on trial; so is Portis. Carter was, and LaVine and Markkanen have been trying to find their place amidst a midseason u-turn. It doesn't happen in a few weeks or a month. And, after all, though he is older, Boylen is a rookie NBA coach, too. This was supposed to be a 30-win type season if there wasn't a coaching change and major injuries to most of the starters. So there's been a stumble. Some building projects are delayed for, you know, factors out of our control. And some they're trying to get right.

Most people seem to think the Bulls will waive Carmelo Anthony in order for him to become a free agent before the trade deadline. But, since the Lakers are supposedly so interested in acquiring his services, shouldn't the Bulls try to trade him instead and get something out of the deal? After all, the Lakers are in desperate need of shooters and we are talking about a potential HOF here -in steep decline, I know - but still. If not the Lakers, what other teams would be interested in Melo and would also be willing to trade some interesting players to the Bulls? Or should play Melo now that parker is out. We have nothing to lose.

Mauricio Villanueva

Sam: The Bulls, me and Bobby McGee, eh? Jabari suggests he should be able to return Friday, which, true, would be the dream front court of 'Melo and Jabari. Ah, what a season this would be. I get the point: The team is losing, why not go for some entertainment? There's something to that, but not exactly consistent with rebuilding. The transaction was similar to the previous Michael Carter-Williams one in which the luxury tax team, the Rockets, sought to reduce its penalties, which can multiply in future years. Several rebuilding teams with low payrolls were in the bidding, so the Bulls were able to negotiate a payment, sort of for the trouble. The theory is it gives the Bulls additional money when there are later transactions and they are closer to contending. So the Bulls have made clear they cannot bring in Anthony to play. It wouldn't make much sense since he hasn't played in months, and thus would take weeks to get in some shape. The trade deadline is Feb. 7. I assume if you could get something, Houston would have. A release seems most likely. I can see him being very valuable to a playoff team when the game slows some and a big shot maker can win a game, which can turn a series. Though there's a lot of speculation about the Lakers because of banana boat crew member LeBron, the 76ers make a lot of sense since they need shooting. Maybe the Spurs; heck, they once tried Glenn Robinson late in his career. Portland needs a bench guy. Maybe the Warriors since they plan eventually to field a team of 15 future hall of famers with two in G-league two-way contracts if only for the parade.

What do you think if the Bulls could sign Kemba (3-4yrs, 25-30 mil per or more) and DeMarcus (1yr, 20-25mil 2nd year team option ). Could it work? Would the players take those offers? Would this make them contenders in the Eastern Conference? I love adding a true alpha and closer in Kemba and with DeMarcus a true alpha in talent. DeMarcus's obvious health and attitude risks are mitigated.

Burt Amos

Sam: It sounds like something if it weren't for the people. Everyone seems to think Walker wants to be in Charlotte, and with becoming an All-Star starter I'd find it difficult to believe Michael would let him get away. Especially after all those years as a player in Chicago saying as an owner you had to take care of your best player. Anyway, I weep for the next team to sign Cousins. He'll be great with the Warriors like Rodman was great for the Bulls, but then when he gets to his next stop where he doesn't respect anyone, the shoes are coming off.

I know you have answered this question at least 50 times but, do you think the Bulls have a chance of re-signing Derrick Rose? I think his game now would work with Zach and Markennen. less pressure not having to carry or be the face of the franchise. I think he can be a good veteran piece to take this young Bulls team.

Randall Sanders

Sam: Those are good points, and with Thibs out in Minnesota, he may not want to return or they might not want him back. Though Rose is exceedingly popular in the Minneapolis community—and among NBA fans, we have learned, from the All-Star fan voting—that I expect the Timberwolves to make him an offer.

Rose's return and play has been one of the great NBA stories in years, from MVP, to basically out of the game, to scoring 50 points and winning shots. He's been one of my favorite Bulls, as readers probably know, but I also would like to see him in a great place for him. I've talked about the challenge to Kris Dunn of further emerging or the team needing a dominant point guard. As you suggest, that's not Rose anymore. But his name is so big in Chicago, and though many cynics doubted it with his injuries, he does love Chicago and loved being a Bull and loves to play. Which made him a divisive figure because he didn't articulate as well as many demanded. Talk about never walking in someone's shoes. Anyway, I could see the Bulls might be interested as backup point guard as it is far from settled. And Derrick has been a mentor in this incarnation. I could see why Derrick would be interested depending on the summer's market. Again, it's something else to watch in what should be a very intriguing offseason for the Bulls. The draft, free agency, Derrick Rose! Don't jump ship quite yet. Maybe it not be sinkin'.

I flipped on the Atlanta game just to check the score and it was disgusting. That's how the Cleveland game was, too, even though we won. I've been reading comments by Bulls fans today about why the team lost, and for once, I'd have to say almost everyone is right. The Bulls lost because they did everything badly. Atlanta won because they did a couple things adequately. All in all, it looked like a YMCA pickup game with tall players.

Rather than blame these performances on the coach or management, I'm stuck on the idea that there's some good talent here, but our guys really just don't know how to play the game at the NBA level yet. It's not because they're dumb or the coach is incompetent or they lack talent. The key players are young and haven't figured it out yet. I wouldn't give up on them yet, though I do think those of you who have to go to every game and stay to the end should get combat pay. Meanwhile, I'm hoping they can pick up another player along the way who can prove to be a catalyst for their talent to emerge.

Kirk Landers

Sam: I know the game with Atlanta looked bad, and losing at home to a losing team by 20 is actually really bad. But let's also remember these teams were having that happen to them against the Bulls since when the Bulls beat Cleveland Sunday, it was gleefully pointed out by many how the Bulls were only perfect against the losing teams like Atlanta. I agree the Hawks were more enthusiastic, seemed to be enjoying the game more and were moving much swifter and with more purpose. A big first quarter lead helps. The Hawks aren't a finished product, either, but the Bulls, again, have pointed toward this offseason for several personnel additions. I'm willing to take a look.

I am 81 years old and have been reading you [it seems], the entire time. Every week, I can't wait for Friday to get your latest views. But, your "Ask Sam" columns are too long. They have too much good stuff; they take me too long to read. Have you ever considered doing two columns a week, each about half as long?

Joe Lavely

Sam: I couldn't resist answering this one. I get kidded about this often, that my stories are too long. Though, c'mon, you're 81? What else do you have to do? Again, I couldn't resist. Though this does give me a chance to explain. I hear often of the short attention span of millennials and successor generation X, the effect of the internet and Facebook and Twitter and news briefs and this busy, busy world. Now, perhaps I can understand the Bulls are not quite as compelling this season, which is why I (and many, many other writers) try both to educate while entertaining.

It's not just about the game or the event; it's why many of us make historical references, use allusions and literary devices, expanded vocabulary, humor (at least when it works). The point is if you dare take some time to read more than a tweet, perhaps you'll never be the president, but you have a chance to learn more about things you may not have thought about or figured you weren't much interested in. Damn, ended in a preposition again. OK, maybe you should have stopped reading one or two sentences before. Though since you did send this in 32-point type (I get it as I usually use 18 or 20 and can't figure out how all those kids read in 10 and 12), it probably does take you a bit longer. But I saw you were in Minnesota. Really, you don't have time? C'mon, no one ever goes out there 'til June.

In your column you wrote that Jordan was a good interview pre-championships. Did fame change him? I thought he kind of got arrogant after the 2nd or 3rd championship and was definitely different after he came back. Didn't seem like the practical joker/love of the game same guy as when he first arrived. But I live near the Jupiter/Palm Beach, Florida. A few months back, I dropped my wife off at the movies and parked the car. I'm walking along this quiet sidewalk to the theatre and in front of me is this 6 foot 6 guy lifting his knee to kick his wife in the butt several times. Both laughing. Just having fun. I passed them up and sure enough it was MJ. Kind of an odd reminder that athletes are just humans. Nice to see that he hadn't lost that jokester side and it was authentic.

Jeff Lichtenstein

Sam: So there he is. Thanks for the anecdote. Michael felt under siege and betrayed in 92 and 93 (by me, also, with the Jordan Rules), but more so the gambling stuff and media piling on and New York Times ripping him for going to Atlantic City in the playoffs and Sports Illustrated and then the unthinkable of some media blaming him for this father's death. So he withdrew, but not that much. He just made his media sessions more formal, the access more restricted. But he still had that glint in his eye; you could still see the joy and playfulness, especially when he came back in '95. Even talked to me one-on-one in some interviews. Though I think he's still mad at Sports Illustrated. I love that story; good for him. All the money in the world can't always buy that.

Source: https://www.nba.com/bulls/news/ask-sam-mailbag-012519

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Glenn Close: You lose power if you get angry

From vengeful mistress to Agatha Christie matriarch: the actor talks about Harvey Weinstein, mental illness and growing up in a cult

Glenn Close and I sit at the corner of a large boardroom table in an intimidatingly minimalist office on the 14th floor of a Los Angeles talent agency. Its the kind of environment in which Patty Hewes, the ruthless lawyer Close played in Damages for five seasons, would feel at home and Im almost waiting for her to stand up, slam both hands on the table and shout, Ill rip your face off or any of the other terrifying put-downs that defined her double Emmy award-winning performance.

But Close is in high spirits and radiates such warmth I barely notice the chill from the tower blocks air-con. After we fiddle with the settings on our swivel chairs, which are so high they make anyone under six foot kick their legs like a child on a swing, the 70-year-old, six-time Oscar nominee and star of stage, television and film starts telling me about her dreams. I have had a lot recently, full of this wonderful love for a younger man. The dreams just keep coming and I wake up thinking, that was wonderful! It wasnt necessarily us doing the sexual act, just the feeling of love.

With her white hair cut to a sharp crop, and wearing a relaxed navy blazer, chinos and black scarf on account of the arctic corporate temperature, she looks stylish and fit. I have never felt better in my life, and I am, like, 70, she says. Im really a late bloomer.

She says she feels a disconnect between how she sees herself and how people may view me when I walk down the street, like: Theres an old lady. You know, there is now this cult of the model. Everyone on the red carpet is made into a model. That is very hard to not play into I have a bit of podge I am trying to get rid of, but its hard. I just think, Oh fuck, Ive been doing this my whole life! But the irony is, you just get better and better with age. You dont feel less alive or less sexy.

In Agatha Christies Crooked House. Photograph: Nick Wall

We are here to talk about Crooked House, the Agatha Christie adaptation debuting on Channel 5, before its theatrical release, in which Close plays Lady Edith, a matriarch of a very dysfunctional family. Close says, Christies grandson came to the set and he validated the fact that it was her favourite book, and the one that had never been adapted. He said when she handed it to the publisher, she was told she had to change the ending, because it was too upsetting and controversial. She refused. Its still pretty controversial.

This production, co-written by Julian Fellowes, might not be as spendy as Kenneth Branaghs $55m Murder On The Orient Express, but the ensemble cast is equally starry: joining Close are Gillian Anderson, Max Irons, Terence Stamp and Christina Hendricks. Close presides over her co-stars with gravitas and grace, in an understated performance that finds the humour in an otherwise bleak setup. But youd expect nothing less from the actor whose 40 years in the business started with star turns in Broadway productions (she won a Best Actress Tony in 1983 for Tom Stoppards The Real Thing). Her first film role, at the age of 35, was with Robin Williams in The World According To Garp, for which she received an Oscar nomination as she did for her supporting roles in The Big Chill and The Natural. Her performances in Fatal Attraction, Dangerous Liaisons and Albert Nobbs, about the life of a transgender butler in late 19th century Ireland, which she also co-wrote, racked up further Oscar nominations but still no win. This is seen by many as a travesty: Close brings a precision to her film work, honed through her years on stage. She has that rare taut quality Jack Nicholson also has it where you believe that beneath the steely control she is capable of snapping at any moment.

It was this that led Andrew Lloyd Webber to cast her in 1993 as the tragic silent movie star Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard on Broadway. Close reprised the role 23 years later, getting her old costumes out of storage (she has kept all her costumes and recently donated the collection to a university in Indiana) for its revival in Londons West End.

As Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction: Clearly she had mental health issues. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

But it was her Oscar-nominated turn as Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction in 1987 that proved career-defining. Thirty years on, Close still counts Forrest as the character of whom she feels most fond; she has admitted to fighting tooth and nail against the films eventual denouement, which turned the character into a bunny-boiling psychopath and Close into the casting directors go-to woman on the verge for years afterwards. Now we have the vocabulary to talk about these things, clearly she had mental health issues, she says.

Close sits regally still as she speaks, emphasising her points by leaning forward and locking eyes. Shes comfortable with silences and often takes a theatrical beat or two before answering questions. Shes all poise and control, but does she ever lose her temper?

I express my feelings quietly. I am not afraid of confrontation, but I am not particularly good at it. If I get attacked, I am not good at attacking back. There is fight, flight and freeze and I tend to freeze. That is not a strength of mine. I love the fact that my daughter Annie [Starke, an actor] is more of a fighter than I am. She doesnt let people get away with shit. While she agrees that women have a harder time being angry, publicly, than men, she says, I have played a lot of characters, and actually anger makes you lose power. Patty Hewes [in Damages] she hardly ever lost her temper, but when she did, it was very specific. I have always felt you lose power if you get that angry.

The collective outpouring of anger among women in Hollywood right now is something of which Close is acutely aware. She says that sexism in the industry has shifted more slowly than it should have done throughout her career: It took Harvey Weinstein and someone calling him out [for real change to happen]. I know Harvey, and he has never done that to me, but people would say he was a pig. I never knew that it was that bad and I dont personally know anybody who has endured that. I would like to think that I would have done something about it.

We discuss whether its possible to separate the work from the personalities involved in it. News has just broken that House Of Cards will be back for another series without Kevin Spacey, after it was originally canned because of harassment claims brought against its leading man. Close wraps her scarf around her chest and fixes me with her electric eyes. Artists, to make a huge generality, walk on a very thin line. Sometimes, like my beloved friend Robin Williams, who was one step away from madness, whatever makes them a great artist also makes them very complicated human beings. Again, that doesnt mean they can prey on and abuse people.

With Harvey Weinstein in 2013. Photograph: Mike Coppola/Getty Images

At the root of the problem of sexism in Hollywood right now is, Close says, biology. I think the way men have treated women, from the beginning of time, is because they have different brains to women. So I am not surprised by it at all. I say to a guy, Tell me the truth, if you see a woman walk into a room, what is the first thought that goes through your head? His answer, always, is, Would I fuck her? It doesnt mean they act on it. If you can evolve into a society where men know that they should not always act on it then there has been a positive revolution. But you cant just say that theyre not going to have the thought that is ridiculous. It also has to be the women, who are not powerful, to be OK to say no and leave the room. I think its unrealistic to say were going to change but we have to evolve.

I ask Close who she thinks is a great man today. She is silent, thinking, for what feels like a full 60 seconds in which I am so tempted to throw out some options: Barack Obama, the Pope, the friendly security guard on reception who let us in

Nelson Mandela, is her final answer, but Im not sure shes convinced. I guess for me, she says, greatness is taking your humanity and still doing the good thing. Its sad to say that there are very few men, who are leaders, who have some sort of moral code that they dont deviate from because of popular opinion.

She thinks we are undergoing a crisis of masculinity: In the public mind, yes. I was outraged when I heard that there was a war against men I was like, are you joking? What do you think has been happening against women for centuries?

Close knows all too well about the misuse of power, because her own upbringing was, as she puts it, complicated. When she was seven, her parents joined a cult. Moral Re-Armament or MRA was a modern, nondenominational movement founded by an American evangelical fundamentalist which extolled the four absolutes: honesty, purity, unselfishness and love. Her father, a physician working in the Congo, sent Close with her brother and two sisters from the family home in Greenwich, Connecticut, to live at the MRA HQ in Caux, Switzerland (Closes mother, Bettine, was a socialite).

She is vague on the details but clear on the impact this experience had on her as a teenager: I was repressed, clueless and guilt-ridden. The timeline is patchy, but Close travelled with MRA in the 60s as a member of their musical groups, and spent time back in Connecticut at an elite boarding school. I had a wonderful time at Rosemary Hall, a girls school, she says. I was in a renegade singing group called the Fingernails: A Group With Polish. But she remained, as she calls it clueless. A lot of my friends knew boys youd have these horrendous dances with boys schools and they would get the guys they wanted and I would just stay with the person I was with.

As Patty Hewes in Damages. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

She was briefly married before going to university. It is a complicated story for me. I was married before college, and kind of in an arranged marriage when you look back on it, and my marriage broke up when I went to college, as it should have. I was 22. But my liberal arts school had a wonderful theatre that was my training, my acting school.

Was that where she finally learned about sex, popular culture, the ways of the world? Not really, she says. I still am learning.

Close has two sisters, Tina the eldest, and Jessie her younger sister; and two brothers, Alexander, and Tambu Misoki, who was adopted by Closes parents while living in Africa. At the age of 50, Jessie spent time in a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a weight that had been hanging over the family, undiscussed, for years. Talking about mental illness just wasnt done, Close says. You dont have a vocabulary for it and youre also very aware of appearances. You dont want to appear a crazy family.

In 2010 Close founded Bring Change to Mind, a charity that aims to end the stigma around mental illness by talking openly about it and its effect on families. It was my nephew who was first diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. This is basically schizophrenia with an ingredient of bipolar. And when that happened, it was like, What? My sister Jessie, his mother, didnt know what was wrong. He went to the hospital for two years and that saved his life. Then Jessie was, finally, correctly diagnosed herself.

With sister Jessie in 2009. Photograph: Getty Images

Close felt a duty to her family to give them a high-profile person who is not afraid to talk about it publicly. It affects the whole family. We always knew my grandmother and mother had depression my sister does, I do to a certain extent. But I didnt know my great-uncle had schizophrenia. I knew my half-uncle died by suicide. There was a lot of alcoholism addiction, self-medication. Nobody ever talked about it. I knew my grandmother was depressed, but at first I thought she lived in a hotel, not a hospital, because she always said how good the food was.

Close says she and her siblings are of one mind politically, but admits she does have members of her family who voted for Trump. I tried to understand that. Theyre not crazy people who have been brainwashed by Fox News, but I try to understand the anger, because I think that has been building up ever since Watergate. It was watching that scandal unfold that made her realise Americans have always been naive, we just take for granted what we have, and we always thought of our leaders as good people. With Watergate, people became cynical about government.

Today, she says, Washington is a bunch of self-serving She searches for an expletive and after a second settles on men. She says, Its hard to believe that people are so out for themselves. It goes against what you would like to believe about your country. I feel eloquence is incredibly important for a leader, and we had that with Barack Obama, who made his initial impact because he gave that incredibly eloquent speech, but he lost his eloquence in his presidency. We always need someone to say, I hear you, someone who can put their words into unity and hope and we dont have that. I think the last person may have been Robert Kennedy.

And now you have Trump tweeting nonsense.

Its devastating. Social networks are now like our nervous system, and if you keep pumping that kind of crap into the nervous system, it is going to have an effect on a population.

With Kevin Kline in The Big Chill. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

Close doesnt talk politics with her friends because she doesnt really have many friends. I have always forced myself into situations I am not comfortable in. I am an introvert, and I was painfully shy as a child. I think I still have a big dollop of that in my persona. I read a book called Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Cant Stop Talking and it was a real comfort to me I realised I was that person I had always been. And it was at that point I told myself to stop pushing myself into situations that I dont enjoy. I dread cocktail parties.

She tells me shes pretty reclusive and can count her closest friends on two fingers. I ask if shes still good friends with Meryl Streep.

I have never been close friends with Meryl. We have huge respect for each other, but I have only done one thing with her, The House Of The Spirits.

I apologise for assuming they were pals, being of a similar age and stature in Hollywood, and admit this negates my next question: Who would win in an arm wrestle, you or Meryl?

Close laughs. Oh, I would, because I am very strong.

***

The tightest bond Close has is with her only daughter Annie, 29. Annies father is the film producer John Starke whom Close dated for four years from 1987, but never married. Annie was never a door-slamming, difficult teenager. Close tells me: When my Annie was three, she looked at me, and said, I want you. I knew what she meant. I, at the time, was a single working parent, sometimes even when I was home, working or producing something, I was there and not there.

With daughter Annie Starke in 2010. Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

She doesnt think its any easier for working mothers today and acknowledges, I had it easy because I could afford to have help think of the women who cant afford it and have to put their child in some shaky childcare centre. No, I think it is incredibly hard for women. Any person, in any profession, feels that tug [of guilt]. We discuss the intimacy of the single-parent, only-child bond. Once, I went to vacuum Annies car seat as we were moving house, and a lot of life had happened there, so I was crying. She said, Mummy, are you OK? I said, Yeah, Im OK. And she said, Here I am.

She was married to businessman James Marlas from 1984 to 1987 and then, following other relationships, including that with Starke, she married again, in 2006, to venture capitalist David Evans Shaw, divorcing him nine years later.

Would she marry again?

I dont know.

Does she think marriage is important?

I think it is a positive evolutionary component that we are better with a partner. I think to have a partner that you can go through life with, creating a history with, that you can find a comfort with, have children with there is nothing better. This is an opinion I have come to very late in life, at an ironic moment, where I dont have any of that. I dont know if I will again. But I do think its a basic human need to be connected.

Despite this, shes happy on her own right now. This is a good time in life. I do think, what would it be like to have a partner again? But it would have to be very different from what I had before. Then I have that great dream and wake up happy.

Crooked House is on Channel 5 at 9pm on 17 December.

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Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/dec/16/glenn-close-harvey-weinstein-mental-illness-cult-fatal-attraction

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[tokyoteddywolf]

Even More Russian Antics

ahahahahaha i can’t stop making these :D

updates, how to get kicked out of russia, and i like how they turned out. So have a laugh! (No skaters were harmed in the making of these little pranks. Possibly. Well, what else do you expect from Yurio???)

Enjoy 41-80!

333 Ways To Get Kicked Out Of The Rink And Russia Itself

1. Switch the drinks at the banquet with random condiment liquids.

   Yuuri was more than confused when he went to drink some of the fruit punch and found it was just watery filtered ketchup with lemons thrown in. Yurio was nowhere to be seen.

2. Hit people with pirozhki's.

This backfired on Yurio when Viktor's hair became a victim. He went MIA after said older Russian skater finally caught him….

3. Walk up to some old geezer and yell, “Grandpa! You're alive! It's a miracle!”

Viktor wouldn't stop sulking under the benches in the locker rooms when Yuuri tried this….

4. Dart around suspiciously humming the Mission: Impossible theme song.

Everyone was highly concerned for Phichit's mental state.

5. Buy several dozen fishing rods. Go on the roof and test them out, saying you're fishing for toupees.

Mila caught 35, Yurio got 31, and Georgi won with a staggering 108.

6. Hold Barbie hostage.

Yurio didn't really mind, Otabek was his friend after all. Besides, he quite liked the horrified looks of his fans when the Kazakhstan skater grabbed him as he sped by on his motorcycle.

7. TP as much of the rink as you can.

Nobody suspected innocent Yuuri to be good with his throwing arm, but almost every inch of the rink was covered in toilet paper. Viktor was automatically blamed.

8. Hide in the skate racks. Whenever someone comes to grab a pair, yell “Pick me! Pick me!”

Yuuko was incredibly unimpressed when the triplets pulled this prank on their father. However, hearing Takeshi scream like a child was worth it, and they all got ice cream that night.

9. Dress as Batman and burst into the rink screaming, “Come Robin! To the Batmobile!”

Guang-Hong was just extremely confused at Leo's antics, wondering if all Americans were this weird.

10. Challenge people to duels with wrapping paper.

It was the best birthday yet, in Viktor's opinion.

11. Buy several singing toy Viktor's from Amazon, and once you have them, set them up on the ice and get your friends to turn them on. Proceed to act like a conductor.

Yuuri was actually really good at anything music related. The impromptu concert certainly amused the others.

12. Go up to random people and poke them. If they ask what you're doing, inform them that you're trying to find out what they ate for breakfast.

Georgi got kicked across the room when he tried this on Yurio.

13. Leave cryptic messages all over Instagram as an anon.

Nobody knew Phichit could even scream that loud.

14. Skate around screaming “There's a dead body in here!”

Yakov was unamused at Mila's actions.

15. Go up to the Russian Fairy and say, “Yurio, I am your father.”

It wasn't even remotely funny for Viktor. It just opened up more wounds.

16. Make evil eyes at people and whisper “I am the Lady Of The Well…..i've been waiting...”

Minako's Halloween party was the bomb.

17. Ride around in a Barbie car and pretend to be a posh upperclassman, sipping vodka from a teacup and saying things like “Top hole!” and “By Jove!”

Yuuri should have never let Minako watch Doctor Who.

18. Start dancing like mad. Wave your arms and flop like a fish.

Everyone assumed Yuuri was drunk again. The ensuing dance battle was certainly better than last year.

19. Balance everything you see on the tip of your nose, fingers, on your forehead, and top of your head all while singing the circus song.

Otabek won with 4 water bottles, Yuuri's duffle bag, 5 pairs of ice skates, and Yurio, all while skating circles around Phichit, who was filming the entire thing.

20. Start singing songs through the PA system at the ice arena.

The entire skating crew all joined in on a perfect rendition of Stammi Vicino. The announcers were extremely entertained.

21. Blackmail your friend into giving you a piggy back and have them run around the town, screaming “The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”

The next GFP was certainly better prepared after Yuuri and Phichit gave the warning. Though Phichit on Yuuri's back was certainly a weird mode of transport….

22. Take a fishing pole, a bag of money, and go people fishing.

Georgi was still bored, and eventually caught Yurio.

23. Pretend to be Spiderman by running up walls and saving people.

Guang-Hong really had to get Leo to stop watching those superhero movies of his, this was getting ridiculous.

24. Pretend to have an asthma attack, and bite anyone who tries to help you.

Emil went to the doctor after Yurio pulled this stunt in Barcelona… that's what he got for trying to be a nice friend…..

25. Lie on the ground. Just lie there. It's guaranteed to freak people out.

Revenge for the Grampa joke. Yuuri was panicking like crazy when Viktor pulled this stunt after a failed jump.

26. Announce an ice sliding contest. Take off your skates and proceed to do just that.

The game had to stop after Georgi slid too far into the rink wall.

27. Put on a black ski mask and cape and run around declaring “Zorro has returned!”

Nobody was sure where Sara went during the hours when a masked vigilante ran rampant through Russia.

28. Protest against cat abuse.

Nobody knew what the fuck just happened after Yurio ran down the streets, completely drunk and screaming “Run my feline friends! Run!” at the head of a cat stampede.

29. Start a barbershop quartet.

Yuuri, Viktor, Chris and Phichit soon become number one on the charts with their hit song, When Drunk People Dance On Poles.

30. Dress in a trenchcoat and sunglasses, go up to random people, hand them marshmallow guns, and say, “You know what to do.”

Thus started Russia's Marshmallow War 1, thanks to Phichit stealing Viktor's clothes.

31. Go up to random people carrying a paper bag and say “Trick or treat!” When they refuse, give them puppy dog eyes.

Guang-Hong's legendary puppy eyes were something to fear.

32. Cover your hand with blue paint. Run up to someone, put your hand on their face and yell “A clue! A clue!”

Yurio's knife shoes were the talk of the town after JJ tried this on the Russian Fairy and subsequently had to go to the hospital for minor lacerations.

33. Scream really loudly and when someone asks you to be quiet, scream, “I WON'T BE SILENCED!”

Apparently, Yuuri was trying out a new anxiety coping method.

34. Grow out your hair.

Needless to say, Yuuri and Viktor disappeared for a little while once Viktor noticed how long Yuuri's hair had gotten… Yurio was disgusted.

35. Grab a can of whipped cream, find a bald guy, and spray it on him.

Yakov blasted Mila's eardrums for that one.

36. Start singing horrible karaoke.

Nobody's ears were ever the same after Mickey took the mic.

37. Loudly announce that you will be the one to win gold this year.

Yuuri actually didn't care, he just wanted to see the chaos.

38. Go magical creature hunting.

Yurio was unamused at Otabek and Phichit.

39. Run up to someone, slap them, and scream, “WHAT IS THIS?!? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!!!”

Viktor stared after Yuuri in horror, holding his damaged cheek. He was just talking to Chris!

40. Fall over and scream “Ah! The pain! The terrible pain!” When someone asks what's wrong, stand up and say “Nothing, why?” and walk away as if nothing had happened.

Chris just liked making people's days a little more surreal.

41. Dress up as an emo person, and whenever someone talks to you, scream, “WHY HAVE YOU COME TO WORSEN MY MISERY?!?”

“Mila, is Georgi always like this?”

“You'll get used to it, Yuuri.”

42. Host your own radio show.

Phichit and Otabek made a great commentary team.

43. Hide a walkie-talkie somewhere and whisper, “I know where you live.”

Yuuri's scream was worth it, in Yurio's opinion.

44. Run around Russia in a swimsuit singing “Surfin' USA”

Note to self, NEVER LET LEO NEAR THE VODKA. Phichit recorded the whole thing, and Leo became a meme.

45. Look for Narnia.

Viktor thought this was hilarious when he managed to pull a dazed Yuuri out of his wardrobe.

46. Release pigs into the rink labeled 1, 2 and 4.

They lost it when Yurio calmly taped a piece of paper labeled “3” on Yuuri's back.

47. Go on a road trip.

You've seen the official art, why are you asking me?

48. Learn to play the banjo.

Once again, Yuuri dazzled the Russian Crew with his music skills, and the ensuing hoedown inspired a new routine or two.

49. Go mattress surfing.

It was Phichit's idea, and it made Detroit a lot more fun than before, in Yuuri's opinion.

50. Hold a snowball fight.

Yurio was terrifyingly good at this.

51. Sing everything you say, and when questioned, inform them that you're in a musical.

Even Yakov joined in, and Musical On Ice was a huge success.

52. Play Human Dominoes

Otabek's day just got that much better.

53. Crash a party.

Episode 10, anyone?

54. Create a giant conga line.

Jesus, how many fans did JJ have???

55. Have a rap battle.

Nobody knew Otabek could rap that fast, but he did. Very well. He was, however, beaten out by Yuuri.

56. Get a pinata and bust it open.

Yurio had taped JJ's picture on it. It was a great stress reliever.

57. Dress someone up as a chicken.

Minami had no idea what was going on, but he went along with it.

58. Play frisbee on the ice.

It wasn't a problem until they nailed Yakov in the face.

59. Write angsty and gory fanfiction.

Nobody was the same after finding Yuuri's account.

60. Stage a riot.

“WHAT?! YURATCHKA DIDN'T WIN OVER JJ???”

“THOSE BASTARDS!'

“GET THEM!”

61. When someone asks for your help, begin to cry and say, “Why won't you people leave me alone?!”

Everyone was alarmed when Celestino burst into tears every time someone asked him for help on jumps.

62. If a skater with more than one gold medal comes within 30 feet of you, scream “GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” and run out of the area.

Viktor started sobbing when everyone careened away from him, even his beloved Yuuri. JJ was just confused.

63. Glare menacingly and hiss like a pissed off cat whenever someone comes near you.

Yurio had half the town terrified, with the glares, hissing, and raising of a leg with a freshly sharpened knife shoe attached.

64. Cover your face with cream cheese and thunder down the streets of Saint Petersburg chanting “We love bagels! We love bagels!”

Another reason why Yakov needed headache medicine after he forgot the breakfast bagels one time.

65. Run around singing, “I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES!”

Yuuri hid in the lockers, only for the rest of the skater crew to bust down the door, still singing.

66. Dress up like a fairy, climb up a ladder and say to every person that passes by, “Your wish is granted!”

Drunk Yurio is best Yurio, until he started crying when he realized he was afraid of heights.

67. Ride in a Barbie sports car with Barbie in the backseat and say “Let's bust this joint!”

Yurio had to admit, that Viktor certainly had an interesting choice of vehicles to ride in.

68. Wrap a hose around you and scream, “AH! I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE!”

The scary thing was, Guang-Hong wasn't joking.

69. Walk up to someone and act like you can read their mind, then say, “Sir/Madam… don't do that.”

Yurio was stunned speechless when Otabek told him this just seconds after he had come to the decision of cutting JJ.

70. Hit your head and say, “Shut up in there!”

Everyone was extremely concerned for Yuuri.

71. Act as though you're being beaten and fall to the ground, screaming and having convulsions.

Georgi's performance got a 10/10 rating from the rest of the skaters.

72. Swing on the banners.

Apparently, dance battles were not enough for drunk Yuuri, and soon the “Congrats On The Gold!” banner was ripped on the floor while Yuuri sobbed over his aching bum, and for once it wasn't Viktor's fault.

73. Grab heavy, but not too heavy objects and see who can throw them the farthest.

The game had to be discontinued when Seung-Gil calmly picked up Yurio.

74. Knock over all the tables at the banquet and scream, “EARTHQUAKE! EVERYBODY RUN!!!”

Phichit was having too much fun in California, and scared the living hell out of Leo when he pulled this.

75. Hold a 12 pack of vodka over your head and shout “FEAR ME AND MY ARMY OF ALCOHOL!!!”

Viktor and the Russian gang actually conquered a bit more territory for Russia this way, by invading towns and getting the villagers drunk off their asses.

76. Get popcorn and throw it at people, sneaking up to them unstealthily and screaming war cries.

Russia War 2 commenced when JJ threw the first kernel at Yurio.

77. Try on all of Viktor's old costumes and go to the rink and proceed to do the worst, overly dramatic impression of him you can manage without falling over in laughter.

If Viktor hadn't been laughing so hard at Yuuri and Yurio, he probably would have been lightly offended and possibly crying, but no, it was too funny seeing them flip their hair and say dramatic things in Russian, with Phichit recording everything.

78. Stare at the ceiling. See how many people look up.

Yakov felt immensely proud when he pulled this on his skaters and it worked.

79. Dress up as a ninja and go around karate chopping people.

Mari was quicker than she looked, and the only hint of a warning anyone got before they were chopped was a flash of dirty blonde brown hair and the smell of cigarette smoke.

80. Climb up to a tall place and scream until someone comes. If they try to get you down, scream, “HELP! KIDNAPPER!”

It was funny until Yurio realized he was actually stuck.

[sixeightsuited]

Of Martial Arts and a path not taken

Martial arts saved my life.  Yeah, that’s right.  You may think I’m starting this blog with a bit of a cliché But thing is, it’s true.

I know, a lot of people have said this and most that I’ve heard say it I believe them.  If you’ve never trained or had the good fortune to be trained by someone extraordinary, you might laugh.  But I can say from personal experience that if it were not for Martial Arts, I would probably be dead or in prison.

I had an extremely difficult childhood.  I am Anishinabe, (or Ojibway, Chippewa as some like to call us. I don’t care for Native American or Indian) and was taken from my home and family and adopted out during the 60s Scoop to a white family in a small, backwards town.  I grew up the only non-white kid in my school and I paid for it every single day.  I was terrorized at school from as early as I can remember.  I vividly remember having a circle of kids standing around me yelling and making whooping noises like some bad 50’s Hollywood Indians and calling me fatty, wagon burner, etc.

I was bullied viciously right through school until I got into High School  I carry a number of scars from being assaulted as early as the 1st grade. Scars on my leg from being pushed onto a broken bottle, scars on my chin from being pushed off my bike, and scars on the left side of my head from what today would be considered a stoning. Yes, I said a stoning.  I was cornered, had rocks thrown at me until knocked to the ground, then a boy stood over me and dropped a big rock on my head. Years later it was discovered that I have a brain aneurysm where the scar tissue is on my brain, and I have to take medication to keep it under control. So….that’s the genesis of all this with tons of horrible details left out for the sake of saving time and depressing the hell outta ya.

Compounding the abuse at school was a variety of abuses I suffered at home at the hands of my alcoholic adopted mother.  One of my strongest memories from my childhood is when I was about 5 years old being dragged into my bedroom by her while she put some of my stuff in a small suitcase and then pushed me out the door into the snow.  I had no shoes on, no coat, and no idea why I was just thrown out of my home by the person who was supposed to love and take care of me.  There weren’t many days where I didn’t go to bed or wake up afraid.

So, add all that up and you can understand how by the time I got to a point where I was bigger than most kids, I began to act out. I was a deeply troubled kid.  I was withdrawn, introverted, and also painfully shy around people.  Still, I had anger that was just waiting to get out.  Eventually it did. I would pick fights with anyone and everyone. I never had a girlfriend, never went to dances or parties or did anything you normally associate with your school years. But, it was in High School that I found martial arts and it was there that everything changed.

Now this may sound completely stupid, but when “The Karate Kid” came out and was playing at the town theatre, a local Karate instructor named John Atkinson whose school “Black Belt Institute” (which he and his brother Alex, also a black belt ran) would come out before the movie started each night with some of his students and do a demonstration.  He had worked in some capacity on the movie and was at the time a 3rd Degree Black Belt in Kempo and was internationally ranked in both Kumite (fighting) and Kata (forms)

I was just in awe watching him with a Bo staff and he was offering a free class to new students so that week I went and signed up.

I had no clue what I was getting myself into but I showed up for that first class ready to kick some ass and boy was I in for a shock. The first half hour of that one hour class was spent doing straight up cardio, and then a shitload of stretching followed by learning “horse stance” and throwing some punches from it.

I had never done anything like it save for a few Judo classes where I took an immediate dislike to me being used to demonstrate throws and chokes.  Seems since I was a big kid, the instructor thought I would be handy for that kinda thing and I can tell you that an hour of being thrown by everybody in your class (without even being shown how to fall/land properly) gets old quick plus, contrary to what the Flintstone’s taught me; there was no “Chopping” in Judo.  So…I gave up on it.  

Anyways, that first Karate class was the hardest physical thing I had ever done in my life. I remember thinking “Why would he put anyone through this if he wants them to come back?”  I would’ve probably not come back had it not been for the fact that towards the end of class John sat us down and spoke about things like honour, respect, and self-discipline.  He talked about how Karate was never to be used against people and how if he heard of any student using it to fight outside the Dojo they would be expelled from his school permanently.  

It wasn’t to be used to go around beating kids up at school.  It wasn’t about getting revenge on bullies or impressing people.  It was about striving to become a better person, being respectful towards people and developing your character.  If you worked hard at your training, you would develop the skills and self-confidence so that you wouldn’t EVER want or need to fight unless your life depended on it.  It must’ve stuck because I kept going back and I NEVER got into another fight and haven’t to this day.

I didn’t have much money but John never cared too much about that.  He seemed to see something in me and he encouraged me to keep coming regardless. He was the first really positive male role model to come into my life and I felt respect and a bond with him that I never had with anyone before.  He pushed me hard and I honestly loved it.  Somehow all that exercise, all that sweating and working out to the point of puking were making me feel better about myself.  I wasn’t satisfied with just coming to the white belt classes so I started to come when there was any free time available. I would hang around for the intermediate classes to watch and listen.  I was probably the first “gym rat” of our school and when he started teaching daytime classes, I skipped classes occasionally and went to them too.

Of course, since I was so keen on being there I got fun jobs like holding pads for him while he demonstrated techniques.  If you’ve never held pads for an elite level striker it’s hard to explain what it feels like when they throw a kick at full force into a pad your holding.   As thick as those pads are, you still feel it through your whole body and the sound and feel of shins and fists and feet hitting pads is just awesome.  Maybe I’m a bit of a masochist but I loved holding pads for him.  It was not something people were lining up to volunteer to do either, so it worked out for me.

Sparring nights were always my favourite and like many students I looked forward to it the most.  I guess I had some natural ability when it came to fighting that John noticed because I was soon being allowed to stay for the intermediate classes and he asked me if I would like to try some tournament fighting.  I was totally down with that but I had no way of getting to most tourneys so a lot of the time I would go with John and his girlfriend Brenda, a brown belt and his business manager.  

He had this tiny little blue Honda and I would get stuffed in the backseat with all our gear.  It was during those rides that I learned that John was also a human being. When you’re new you tend to put your Sensei on a pedestal but spend three hours in a hatchback with him and hear him talk, swear, joke, and fart like anyone else and you start to get a more realistic picture of who they are.  I have to say I would much rather hold pads for him than EVER have to smell one of his farts again.  I don’t know why I’m including that other than it makes me laugh, but I’m sure fighters who’ve made those long drives crammed in cars with their teammates know what I’m talking about.

Before my first tournament I was nervous as hell. I remember clashing shins with this guy repeatedly and since we both weren’t wearing shin guards, man did it fucking HURT!!! I lost of course and was pretty pissed off about it too but I didn’t give up.  My next tourney I got DQ’d for throwing a very sloppy but full power spinning back kick into this guy’s cup.  Now, that sort of technique (spinning kicks, not just nut shots) is not encouraged in point fighting when you’re a white or yellow belt and I was warned if I didn’t get my shit together I wouldn’t be allowed to fight in any more tournaments.

Fortunately, John helped me learn to calm down before fights and I started getting some results.  When I won my first tournament as a yellow belt, I think I fought 5 times before the final and the trophy I won was taller than I was!  I’m not sure why in Martial Arts the trophies are always so bloody big but they are and I remember we had to take it apart to get it into the car!  

 John liked us to keep our trophies at the Dojo for a while before we took them home I think to remind ourselves that we won them as a team.  Sure we were out there doing the fighting but it would be next to impossible to win if it weren’t for everyone at the club who sparred with you, trained with you, stretched with you.  So I loved sharing that with them.  It was extremely fulfilling seeing your trophy there when you were back working your ass off in class.

The more I trained the closer I got with John and other people in our club and I felt for the first time like I was part of something; that I belonged.  We supported each other and encouraged each other and I got to meet some awesome people through Karate.  I met Bill Wallace, Gary Goodridge, and became friends with Harold Howard, Cezar Borkowski, and a lot of my fellow competitors.   Running into Harold at tournaments was always fun.  I remember standing outside with him while he smoked and him just talking and laughing about stuff.  Any time he saw me he would always come by with a hearty handshake and talk to me.  One of my favourite pictures I had was of me and him with his front teeth out and somewhere along the way I lost it and it’s always bugged me that I did.

As time went on and our Dojo grew, John got into a partnership with some people from the school and it started turning into something else.  It was no longer the little Dojo where you felt like you were part of this great team.  It turned into a gym and health club and John, now a partner, eventually sold his interest off and moved on.

I remember not long after he left getting a call from the new “owners” saying I owed all kinds of money because John hadn’t made me pay every month.  They even threatened me with collections agencies and when I ran into John one day I told him about it and I guess he talked to them because they left me alone after that.

John eventually moved to Phoenix and has a school there where he is an 8th Degree Black Belt and still teaches today.  http://www.atkinsonsmartialarts.com/index.php/about/about-kyoshi  John’s in the bottom picture in the red gi.

I sent him an email a while ago just to thank him for everything he did for me.  In typical fashion, he took no credit for anything and said I made all the choices and decisions that made me who I am but I know better.  Had I not met him, had I never trained under him….I can’t even imagine where I would be today.  I still try to maintain those values I learned as a martial artist

As someone who survived relentless bullying, I know what it’s like to feel completely alone.  I know what it’s like to live in fear.  I also know what it’s like to find strength and courage and to start believing in myself. That’s where Martial Arts and Kyoshi John Atkinson came and helped me avoid a life that probably would’ve ended much too soon.  Regardless of what he says, I owe him everything.  He taught me discipline, self-esteem, honour, respect, courage and self-control and it is with absolute conviction that I can say that it saved my life.

If you managed to read this whole thing, Thanks!

Anwaan Jiimiz