#this happens at least twice btw once in the prison and once when he was a teen camping out in achilles’ stable

[ladyartemesia]

Fic recs for taehyung? I love your stuff btw I’ve read them all uwu

As a beacon of extra-ness in an already extra world, I am entirely incapable of just recommending fics like a normal blog. No. I’ve got to wax on like a bloomin connoisseur. I have compiled some (but not all) of my favorite works in several different categories and sorted them accordingly. This crazy list is so long I had to add a “keep reading”... but I simply couldn’t bear to leave any of these off the list. They are all so good!

Fics have been divided into 8 categories. Some are under the cut. 

 ▨ FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS and FRIENDS TO LOVERS ▨  ▨ ARRANGED MARRIAGE ▨ ▨ FANTASY ▨ ▨ ANGST WITH A HAPPY ENDING ▨ ▨ HYBRID and ABO (alpha/omega) ▨ ▨ MULTIPLE PARTNERS ▨ ▨ NEIGHBORS AND ROOMMATES ▨ ▨ TABOO THEMES and DARK FIC (Sex Work/Power Imbalance/Very Unsafe Sex) ▨ ▨

▨ FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS and FRIENDS TO LOVERS ▨

Insomnia by @hobiwonder

This is one of those fics I read and literally could not stop thinking about. It is wildly hot and honestly hilarious. Poor reader cannot sleep and the beautiful bro she’s tutoring offers a rather unconventional solution.

(Ego) Hoe Chronicles: KTH by @suga-kookiemonster

Listen. If you find a niche fan blog devoted entirely to Ego Tae... I’m not gonna say it’s mine. But it’s probably mine. I once told suga-kookiemonster that I would literally read a story about Ego Tae going grocery shopping on a Wednesday night and I stand by that. In this lurid romp, the reader falls into the clutches of everyone’s favorite bohemian sex lord and he rails her into another dimension.

Falling, Falling, Gone by @johobi

Pining (mutual or otherwise) is not really my thing, but I would straight up read Jo’s laundry list if she posted it. As usual I was blown away by how everything she does seems somehow better than any other version of it. This reader is really unique as well, and her relationship with the wildly popular soccer star Tae comes to a sexy and hilarious head at a sort of bachelor auction. With sharp dialogue, delightful subtext, and fantastic side characters, you really shouldn’t miss it. It’s pretty much perfect.

A Friendly Favor by @baeseoul

This is the classic “teach me some sex for another woman” trope and it is done so well. Sweet best friend Tae is looking to benefit from your experience, but his is not the only world about to be thouroughly rocked.

Officer Kim and the Criminal Crush by @ddaengyoonmin

This is one of the best twists on childhood friends to lovers I have ever seen. Tae grows up to become a cop and reader grows up to be a societal menace. I won’t spoil it, but it’s the perfect blend of nostalgia, tenderness, and smut. This fic technically doesn’t have a name so I had to give it one to link it. It’s part of an AMAZING series Zoe did that I also highly recommend.

Out of the Blue by @jimlingss

This is one of those stories that blooms throughout the narrative until you are left with this gorgeous flower at the end. I loved the journey of these two characters. It was real and it perfectly captures the experience of finding your soulmate in the person you least expect.

Sin Pijama by @brilliantlybasicb

This fic is a switch culture fic. It is wild wicked hot and this Tae is unreal. I love the way he lets the reader think she is in control just long enough. It is a wild romp with an adorable sequel and honestly you should read it.

Girls Like You by @jjiminah

I was in jjiminah’s asks IMMEDIATELY about this fic because I had FEELINGS. The reader begins wordlessly teasing and tempting Tae on their morning bus ride every day until he is literally losing his mind. Everything that follows is fire. Jjiminah has hinted she will wrote more for these two and I NEED IT.

Sighs and Sonnets by @btsaudge

This fic is beautiful. Like it’s basically art. This is a bad boy who is bad for you. But he has the soul of a poet and the stroke game of a renaissance master. Bittersweet and seductive, this fic is a full experience.

The Text by @taetaesbaebaepsae

Tae is your friend with benefits but it looks like feeling may have been caught by one or more parties. When you attempt to soothe your aching heart with another pretty boy, Tae decides to stake his claim. This was very sexy. The whole fic was sexy.

▨ ARRANGED MARRIAGE ▨

Monster by @neonlights92

Monster and all of its companion series about each of the boys is one of those fics that I reread constantly and also just think about constantly. This is one of the best mafia AUs out there and it’s characters are vivid and unforgettable. Tae’s stubborn resistance to his lovely new wife in contrast with her quiet, clever strength really brings this story to life. A word of warning. The masterlist links are a bit messed up. To read part two you must click on part three. And to read part three must click on part four. The link to part four is at the bottom of part three (or you can just search it on her site. It is definitely all there though).

Dichotomy by @kpopfanfictrash

There is a reason the incomparable Shanna is on this list three times. She is truly incomparable. This is childhood friends-to enemies-to spouses and it is wonderful. I adore this Tae. He is sharp and vulnerable and occasionally heavy handed, but truly a gem. This fic also features one of the best angry sex scenes I’ve ever run my eyeballs across.

▨ FANTASY ▨

Chism by @kpopfanfictrash

The world-building in this story is genuinely awe inspiring. You could write series upon series within this vivid universe. The god of Winter is missing and Summer’s heat burns unchecked for many years. The reader is a warrior with a unique ability tasked with guarding a very interesting prisoner. This story is so good. I mean it is really bloomin incredible. It’s hard to say what I liked best about it, because it was stellar across the board.

Obsidian by @kpopfanfictrash

In the pantheon of delicious Tae incarnations, Obsidian Taehyung is essentially unrivaled as a grey witch who moonlights as a sexy rock star. His extremely erotic clash with a white witch detective plays out as the two of them track down a sinister killer (with the help of some truly memorable side characters).

Out of this World by @ddaengyoonmin

This one is really unique. Tae is a merman scientist on the water planet of Neptune and when the reader and her misguided crew crash into his sea, he takes it upon himself to improve inter-species relations. This fic features excellent world building alongside several twists and surprises. Clever scientist Tae is downright irresistible.

▨ ANGST WITH A HAPPY ENDING ▨

Picking Flowers by @jamaisjoons

So this story is a journey - truly a beautiful one and it’s a gorgeous addition to the hanahaki genre. There is real pain and I cried real tears, but gosh it was so sexy and so worth it. I was surprised by how truly immersed I ended up in this piece. I lost track of everything else. The end is insanely satisfying, but the journey is really what makes this fic unmissable.

Until Yesterday by @jimlingss

This fic destroyed me slowly then slowly put me together again piece by piece. When I say I went through it - I WENT THROUGH IT. The story is loosely based on the movie “The Vow” and it is just fantastic. Beautiful and tender till the last word.

The Foolish Muse by @bibbykins

This is the story of someone who is deeply in love, but knows they deserve better. It is a sexy and evocative work with allusions to mythology that fit seamlessly into the narrative. I think my favorite part is Tae discovering how much the reader meant to him and what choices ultimately lead them to a really delicious conclusion.

Back to You by @ladyartemesia

The last time I did a fic rec list, it got like 700 notes. Ya girl is not makin the same mistake again. I spent hours on this list. My work is comin along for the ride. Kim Taehyung is the love of your life, until one day he disappears without a trace.

Vacancy by @ppersonna

This one is the only idol AU on the list and I normally don’t read those, but Lindy’s work is too good to miss in any setting. I am thrilled I took a look because what I found was a glimpse into a beautiful relationship that weathers and eventually overcomes the challenges of loving in the limelight. There is a LOT of emotional depth and symbolism which really elevates everything about this lovely story. The reader’s internal struggles in the face of her lover’s fame are extremely well done.

▨ HYBRID and ABO ▨ (alpha/omega)

Eye of the Tiger by @opaljm

I am beyond hype about this story which is (very) loosely inspired by Zootopia and features a cocky tiger Taehyung and a fiesty prey hybrid he needs to fake date in order to keep panther Jimin from murdering him. (Tiger Tae got a tad too frisky around Jimin’s mate and now things are dangerously awkward.) This story is already so freakin good. I cannot wait for the rest.

Silver and Blue by @taetaewonderland

What happens when you get on the wrong side of the right werewolf? Very sexy - very crazy times. Chronologically this is the first of the Silver and Blue series which follows barely civilized were-Tae through his courtship and eventually his relationship with the spunky reader. Holla to all my impreg kink homies. This is the fic for you.

Heat Run by @ladyartemesia

As I said before, the last time I did a fic rec list, it got like 700 notes. Ya girl is not makin the same mistake twice. I spent hours on this list. My work is comin along for the ride. Alpha lawyer V is a man of many secrets, but his well ordered reality spirals wildly out of control when he crosses paths with a fiery omega set on saving the world from his wicked ways.

Beautiful Stranger by @interludemoonchild

This was a wild ride from start to finish. Taehyung is a tiger hybrid shifter who escapes from the circus to be close to a veterinary student he bonded with. There is a lot of interesting twists and surprises in this one. I was definitely screaming at the end.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell by @jingabitch

A very young wolf hybrid Taehyung adopts you as his pet human when you are just a kid. After Tae leaves to serve in the military he returns to an adult version of his sweet little princess and chaos ensues. Mind the tags for this one folks. It’s excellent, but there are very triggering themes throughout.

▨ MULTIPLE PARTNERS ▨

Level of Restraint by @lemonjoonah

This is not strictly a Tae fic in that he is only one of three major players in this twisted masterpiece. Lemon is the undisputed queen of the surprise twist and this one is truly brilliant. People dropped this fic in the discord calling it the best fan fiction they had ever read and I am not here to argue with them at all. Fair warning, every word - every inch of this fic is sexy and it’s delicious brand of titillation is wrapped around your psyche good and tight by the end.

Four by @luxekook

The quadruplets next door are fueling your very lurid fantasies. It turns out they have some fantasies of their own... You will need water if you read this fic. This is the original patented Kim Taehyung Horny Hive Mind 4D Experience™

▨ NEIGHBORS AND ROOMMATES ▨

The Heat Wave Series by @curly-bangtan

The original story (chapter 1) in this series is definitely famous, but I don’t know how many people have read all 9 chapters and if you haven’t, you are really missing the incredible journey of two very horny idiots stumbling recklessly towards real and amazing love. Everything is set off when the air conditioner breaks and a pair of wild roommates shed their inhibitions along with their clothes.

Flicker by @chimoona

So this fic started out with adorable neighbor dynamics and ended with erotic rope tying. Baby I was ABOUT IT. This was so bloomin hot and also like sweet and tender. Really a sexy and sentimental treasure.

Not Your Typical Flower Shop Story by @jungtaeyoongles

This story goes from “aww” to “WHAT THE-” real quick. Fast paced plot and twist after twist turn the whole flower shop au upside down and then inside out. I can’t say more because spoilers but like - WOW.

▨ TABOO THEMES and DARK FIC ▨ (Sex Work/Power Imbalance/Very Unsafe Sex)

Extracurricular by @ppersonna

One of my favorite professor-student AUs. The reader writes her gorgeous professor a borderline erotic analysis of several major works of art and he feels compelled to discuss it with her privately. Lindy really outdid herself on this one. It is scorchin. Professor Tae is actually really sweet and somehow that just makes the whole thing hotter.

Akrasia by @nitaescence

This is insanely hot. Emphasis on the insane because it’s basically a super erotic romp where you have sex with a man you don’t know (Taehyung) on a crowded public bus. I literally felt my blood pressure going up the longer I read. Whew.

The Client by @jungkookiebus

This one hit me right in the feels. Taehyung is a sweet and lonely man who has a standing Wednesday appointment with an upscale sex worker. As the story progresses, feelings become involved on both sides. When I say I am checking her page thrice daily for part three... This is so engrossing. And this Tae. I just want to hold him.

Daffodil Dreams by @sombreboy

Tread carefully ladies and gents. This story is excellent, but it is easily the darkest fic on the list and, if you choose to read it, please read the trigger warnings carefully. The reader is a psychologist called in to analyze a very dangerous criminal. As their sessions progress, however, several boundaries are crossed.

Obey by @jjkfire

Taehyung is the most feared and ruthless member of the local mafia and you are the world’s most inept escort. You needed a job, but had no real interest in sex work and you’ve managed to fly under the radar as a glorified waitress until Kim Taehyung himself walks into your agency and decides that you’re the only girl he wants. Oh my gosh I loved this story so much. It was downright amazing and there is a surprise at the end that makes everything even sweeter.

[skye-huntress]

RWBY V8 Episode 13 “Worthy” Reactions

There is so much going on in this episode and naturally because it’s the penultimate episode, so much conflict still in progress. I may miss or forget things and this will take me a while to get out because I have so much nervous energy it took me half an hour just to start typing. So keep that in mind as you read on

People were saying the plan went so smoothly but as I pointed out in my last reaction, local comms going down was and has thrown the evacuation into disarray, we can see it. So already we have Jaune and Nora splitting off from their team to spread the message, leaving less people to secure the gathering point in Vacuo

Second complication, a sandstorm that cuts off local comms and makes it impossible to know where Vacuo is. And a growing number of terrified refugees just out in the open with less than a handful of fighters to protect them. No way back to relative shelter or to even warn the rest either because true to his nature Ambrosius built exactly what they ask for.

Third complication, I wondered why Cinder seemed to be prepared for their plan. I thought Watts somehow also intercepted comms between Winter and Weiss but it seemed a stretch. Using the last question is going to bite her in the arse later, but I suppose she is in a damned anyway if she can’t give Neo Ruby before Salem respawns

And now we can also confirm she knows of Emerald’s “betrayal” but unless she leaves or gets knocked through the Vacuo portal, we may not get a confrontation this volume. Hard to say what she makes of this, she’s only shown to treat Emerald as someone she can use, much like how Cinder herself was and is being used.

Also Jinn definitely looked remorseful, but just like Ambrosius and the other spirits, she has rules to follow. BTW, I thought of a possible loophole for Jinn’s question limit. She can only be asked three questions every 100 years but I find it curious one question was already used. So my question is would it be possible to ask Jinn the same question twice. Technically it would not be a fourth question, but is that technicality enough to at least allow Jinn to repeat information for new ears.

Watts has access to the Command Centre. Jimmy’s need to control everything has once again backfired and given the enemy everything they could possibly want to do as much damage as they desire

All those people that Cinder blasted off the edge just to get RWBY’s attention, this has always been who she was, which is why there will not be any form of redemption for her. Even if she turns against Salem, it will be for her own selfish reasons and it is why she’ll never truly be able to escape from her fate

Our first RWBY vs Cinder fight (and probably not the last). Not many places worse for them to fight (if at all), with little ground (not a problem for a flying enemy), no cover, civilians in the line of literal fire (and glass). Got knocked off, game over. Speaking of which...

And Neo. Fucking Neo. And of course, protective big sister to the rescue. And she is the first to fall.

I did find it interesting that she seemed to vanish at a certain point on the way down. I interpret as proof, it’s not some endless void, there is something down there. And of course, there has to be a way back. We’re talking the Y of RWBY here, not to mention half the show’s most prominent LGBT+ couple. Contrary to what some individuals claim, RT do not do “Bury Your Gays” or “Queerbaiting”, at least not intentionally. As I said for Penny when she got hacked, Yang is going to be just fine, eventually. She’s not fine right now, obviously, but this isn’t the end for her. RWBY isn’t that type of show.

Ruby seems to be just surviving, no time to think or process what happen unless she wants to end up dead-dead by her sister’s supposed murderer. In this case, it is somewhat fortunate that Ruby’s coping mechanism is through actions, but when she stops it’s going to catch up with her

As for Blake, who got over repressing all her emotions several volumes ago, is not only the one to lose it the most but has gone absolutely feral. Still, she is not so far gone that she isn’t completely unaware that Penny and Weiss are unless in danger. Dilemma, exact vengeance on Neo, or lose another person you love?

While I’m on this point though, this is an excellent example of the destructive nature of the cycle of vengeance. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. In her pursuit of vengeance, Neo has naturally made herself the target of the same type of vengeance. Precisely why killing often not actually a final solution, it also has consequences as well.

I fear for Penny but I’m still confident she’ll survive this somehow. She is something new and unique, a whole new chapter of her life has just started and it would be anti-climatic and a huge waste for the show not to explore that. Besides, if Cinder has learned anything than she knows the relics must take priority over her power lust. All the power of Maidens won’t save her from Salem if she doesn’t return with both of them.

Weiss seems to be the one in most trouble right now, and in most danger of falling next. Still, I’m curious to see if her Nevermore summon will come into play again. A finale seems like the best time for it, and could potentially be a tide turner, perhaps more so than the Queen Lancer summon in Volume 5. She could use more wins.

Back to the Loser Ops. Hoping Marrow is okay. But of course, Harriet is still set on delivering that bomb. Much like her boss, she seems incapable of admitting she is wrong or has lost. I don’t think most people expected Vine to be the next one to concede that Jimmy was not the one to follow, but it makes sense. At that point, blowing up a city for man who has already lost is the furthest thing from logical. It’s just spite at that point, and just a way to make sure everyone loses.

So the bomb is back in play, thanks to Harriet. And while everyone is focused on her, no one will notice Watts pulling the strings from behind the curtain. But what is his target? He wouldn’t waste such a thing on mere civilians. It could simply be to occupy and/or eliminate several powerful combatants, given the villains are currently outnumbered. Still, he’s in his element and the last person we want to underestimate now. If this is truly the end of Atlas, this may probably be his last great act of villainy before he truly falls into irrelevancy and expendability

Lastly, Jimmy F@#$ing Ironwood. Forcefield prisons are such a bad idea. And of course, we can’t forget Chekhov’s gun-gun-gun. We had to see it in action and what it can do to a person. He recovered extraordinarily quickly, but then his body is more machine than man at this point. Also, as I predicted, shattering his aura did not snap him out of it. Atlas the city, the idea, is everything to him. He stopped seeing the people in it a while ago. He’ll kill them all if it will keep the city afloat.

I have complicated feelings about Jacques Schnee. I don’t need to tell anyone how much of a terrible person he is but I can’t ignore the truth that not everything he touched turned to shit. Weiss is perhaps my favourite character in the show, and she would not only not exist if it weren’t for Jacques, she wouldn’t be the person she is that I love now if Jacques was any different as a father. Same goes for Whitley and Winter. It’s a reminder that some good can come from even the shittiest of people acting in the shittiest of ways. He was also right about Ironwood all along, can’t forget that.

That all said, Jacques did not deserve to be murdered like that, whatever his crimes. The man had nothing left, no threat to anyone anymore. He should have lived for the rest of his pathetic existence knowing what he lost.

So now Winter is facing Ironwood again, this time she is alone and he is armed. Neither are in the best shape. I only see this ending with one or both of them dying.

One final note, Yang may be gone but... what if instead of the others also falling... those still standing take a leap of faith to jump after her and whoever else falls

[thdorkmagnet]

Little Starco Part 1

Happy Halloween Everyone!! Today I bring you all something new! This AU is based off of my favorite game in the world right now “Little Nightmares.” It is a super awesome horror game that I have been obsessed with for months and so I figured the best way to deal with my love of the franchise was to do what I always do: write Starco fanfiction! So yes this is all based off the video game but I did my best to make it understandable without having played the game. It was a challenge the game is full of mystery and a tense atmosphere, while also putting in some of my typical fluff so trying to match the style was not easy. Still I hope I succeeded and I hope you all enjoy!

Also as a fair warning, this is a horror game and while I don't have anything too bad in here I did push the T rating quite a bit for this one. So anyone who is easily frightened you've been warned. Please enjoy and have a great and spooky Halloween!

This will be a two-parter btw.

Disclaimer: Star vs and all its characters belong to Daron Nefcy and Disney. Little Nightmares belongs to Bandai Namco. All rights go to the respective owners.

Star awoke with a start, letting out a panicked gasp as she sat up quickly in fright. She took a few deep breaths as the initial fear slowly began to fade, leaving only the tense anxiety she normally carried with her. The only sound she could hear was the steady dripping of a nearby leak and the quiet creaking of the ship as it gently swayed back and forth. For as far back as Star could remember she had been having the same nightmare over and over again, every single night, being engulfed in a suppressing darkness that slowly faded to reveal a woman in a white mask. She would slowly turn around to face Star, but just before their eyes could meet, she would wake up. She didn't know what it meant (but then what else was new) but she had a feeling it had something to do with her past.

Not that she could remember it.

As bad as the nightmares were though, she wasn't sure if being awake was any better, she was still trapped in a nightmare whether she was asleep or awake. But at least when she was awake she could run from her threats.

Star pulled her yellow raincoat a little tighter around her, trying to fight off the sudden chill she felt creeping up her spine and got a quick look at her surroundings. She had fallen asleep in a vent, finding that one of the safest places to rest in, and she usually slept in one whenever she got a chance, even if they weren't the most comfortable sleeping spot. She took a moment to breathe in the musty air and let the motion of the ship soothe her, as she once again allowed her mind to wander as it often did in the quieter moments aboard the Maw.

The Maw, the mysterious ship full of monsters and danger and death. She didn't know what purpose it existed or how she had ended up here, all she knew was that she had been a stowaway on board the ship for a very long time. Maybe she had always been on the Maw, maybe there was no life outside of it. Star had no knowledge of the outside world or even if there even was one, but to be honest she didn't really care. All she cared about was staying alive.

Star decided she had rested long enough (knowing she needed to find some food before the hunger pains started in), slowly starting to crawl her way through the vent.

After a couple of seconds, the dim lighting faded, the small girl now encompassed in inky blackness and Star reached into the pocket of her coat, pulling out her sole possession (excluding her raincoat of course): a small, thin lighter. She flicked the lighter open and there was a quick spark before a tiny flame appeared, helping light the tight space around her and bring some warmth back into Star's shivering form. Star couldn't help but smile as she stared down into the flickering glow, relishing the feeling the small source of light brought her. Light was a rarity on board the Maw and she had learned to appreciate whatever she was given.

She nearly jumped as she heard a soft guttural clicking noise echoing farther down the tunnel, but she grinned as she recognized the weird noise as nonhostile. It was one of the many small creatures called Nomes that were known to be found wandering all over the ship. Just like everything else on the Maw, the Nomes origin and purpose was a mystery, but they were also the only thing on this horrible ship that was even remotely enjoyable, Star finding the small creatures adorable and she would often go out of her way to find them and give each one a tight hug... once she managed to chase them down, that is, all of them running away from her in the beginning the second she got close.

But, unfortunately, Star couldn't spot the Nome in the dark tunnel and so she instead reluctantly pressed forward, keeping her eyes focused straight ahead. Eventually, she found a ladder and she quickly flicked off her lighter before climbing up. When she reached the top she immediately noticed a series of hooks passing over her head, being pushed forward by a conveyor belt. A few of them even carried large objects wrapped in cloth and knotted closed with coarse rope and Star tried to ignore the oddly human size and shape they had, choosing to instead focus on finding a way up to the hooks. She looked around for a high enough spot where she could reach one and lucky for her she found a pile of the wrapped packages tall enough and after climbing up she was able to easily grab onto one of the empty hooks and sail away to another part of the ship.

She soon found herself dangling over a large gap in between areas, the long drop into the darkness below causing Star to cling on tight. Long, thick chains hung all around, each rung twice the size of her small body and she could hear them shaking and jangling from the constant motion of the ship. It felt like a lifetime before she finally bridged the gap, now hovering over a huge pile of wrapped packages, and she reluctantly let go, letting them break her fall. She held back a shudder as the bags shifted slightly under her weight.

She had heard rumors of what happened to the kids kept prison on the ship but she wasn't sure she was quite ready to confirm that theory. So instead she rose and began climbing down the massive pile, trying to ignore the squish underneath her bare feet and stench of blood that caused bile to rise up her throat.

Once she was on solid ground again Star took in a deep, shaky breath and ran as far away from the bags as possible. But she hadn't gotten very far when Star was seized with an unbearable hunger, the blonde doubling over in pain. She groaned, clutching her stomach tightly as the emptiness in her stomach increased with every passing second. These happened to her every so often, one minute she would be fine, the next it felt like her stomach was trying to eat itself and it was all Star could do to keep going until she found herself some food.

She stood and began shuffling forward on shaky legs but a couple steps later she was down again as her stomach let out a troubling growl. It took some more effort but Star was able to somehow keep going, trudging slowly ahead, her eyes on the constant search for food. She made it into the next room when her stomach growled again and this time lacked the strength to continue standing, falling hard to her knees as she took deep breaths. She looked up through fading vision and spotted the single greatest thing she thought she had ever seen: a loaf of bread.

Star's stomach released another terrible growl at the sight of food and the blonde gathered up every bit of strength she had left as she began crawling toward the bread, her hand outstretched as she reached for her saving grace. Another sharp pang in her stomach zapped the last of her strength, leaving Star to numbly reach forward in a last desperate attempt to get ahold of the loaf, her fingers just an inch too short. The girl felt hopelessness consume her as her vision slowly faded to black, her one chance of survival just barely out of reach and she nearly sobbed at the cruel irony.

Just when Star was about to give up and accept her fate, she saw a hand reach down out of nowhere and push the bread closer to her. Star snatched the food up without a second thought and began greedily tearing chunks of it off with her teeth, swallowing after only a few bites. She could feel a pair of eyes watching her, but she was too busy eating to care, not daring to stop. The emptiness and pain in her stomach subsided as Star finished devouring the loaf of bread.

Once she was done, Star took a few deep breaths letting her stomach settle, blinking as her vision cleared. After that she stared up at her savior, taking in the appearance of a young boy. He looked to be about her age (however old that was) with short, oily brown hair, brown eyes and a tiny little mole on his left cheek. She recognized him as one of the children kept prisoner on the Maw, if the tattered and faded blue pajamas were any indication. And if that wasn't enough proof then the rusted shackle hanging from his dirty leg confirmed her suspicions. Despite this though, unlike the dull, lifeless orbs the other children typically had this boy's eyes gleamed with joy and wonder and a curious smile hung on his lips, as if the horrors of the world and his situation had yet to reach his fragile young mind.

Star felt her cheeks blush as he continued to stare down at her, suddenly anxious for reasons she didn't quite understand. She looked down at her feet shyly, rubbing a hand up and down her coat sleeve as she muttered out quietly, "Uh, thanks... for that."

"No problem," the boy said pleasantly, before offering her a hand up. Star hesitated before accepting the help, allowing the boy to haul her to her feet. "I'm Marco by the way," the boy said pointing to himself.

"Star," the blonde replied.

"That's a really pretty name," Marco commented before the girl blushed vividly

"So what are you doing on board the Maw?" Marco asked. "I mean, you're definitely not a prisoner, " He added, gesturing down to the bright yellow raincoat.

"No idea," Star admitted. “I just woke up here one day and that's all I remember."

“You don't have any memories?" Marco asked and Star nodded.

"Yeah," Star mumbled. "So what about you? I'm guessing you're a runaway, considering the outfit," Star commented.

The boy cringed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand as he said, "Yeah, uh, I got sent here to the kitchen a couple of days ago, but I managed to sneak away before... y'know."

Both kids shuddered, knowing full well what fate awaited those who fell victim to the Monsters' gluttony.

"That's terrible," Star said sympathetically, putting a hand on Marco's shoulder. "I'm so sorry that happened, Marco."

"I-Its okay," the boy stuttered, his eyes suddenly filled with pain and Star found herself longing to see his innocent smile again.

"How have you survived this long on your own?" Star asked, quite impressed with the boy.

Marco shrugged. "I've just been sneaking some food out here and there when the chefs aren't looking," the boy said modestly.

Star's eyes widened as realization dawned on her, giving his an apologetic look as she gasped out, "Oh my gosh, did I eat the last of your food? I'm so, so sorry!"

"No, no it's okay," Marco reassured her. "You looked like you needed it more." He smiled at her and suddenly Star's cold body flooded with a peculiar warmth. But she didn't have time to question it as Marco suddenly added, "Besides I know a place where we can get a lot more food than that."

"Where?" Star asked curiously.

"Come on, I'll show you," the boy replied before turning and running off somewhere. Star hesitated for only a second before chasing after the boy, hopeful that she could have a full belly for once.

...

As the two got closer to wherever the boy was leading them, Star began to pick up on the metallic swing of a knife from another room as no doubt a large butcher knife was getting some use. She held back the shiver that jumped up her spine, trying not to focus on the concerning sounds down the hallway. Instead, she concentrated on where she was being led and more importantly the boy who was leading her there. He had a calm smile on his face, despite the obvious danger they were in and Star was almost unsure what to think of that. Or Marco in general.

She hadn't been around kids her age in a long time but the ones she did usually weren't this upbeat. Most were quiet, reserved, and had more or less given up. They certainly didn't smile, she was lucky to see them even raise their head in her direction. So far, Star seemed to be the only one on this ship who cared at all about trying to escape their situation.

Until Marco. Star had never met anyone like him before, he was the closest thing she had come across to a companion in well… forever honestly. Marco's charming naivety was hard to resist and the blonde couldn't help but feel drawn to her companion, wanting to know more about him.

Marco suddenly stopped in his tracks and Star ran into his back by accident, causing him to slightly stumble. Once he had recovered, he turned to her and put a finger to his lips, before pointing in the direction of a towering doorway, the sound of something being violently sliced clearly coming from that direction. Star felt a shiver run up her raincoat but nodded in understanding. The two then began to tiptoe slowly closer to that area, Star feeling her heart rate beginning to spike as they did.

Finally, the two seemed to have reached their destination: a large door. The boy grinned over to her to show that they had reached the right place and pointed over to the door for extra emphasis, mouthing the words, "In here."

Star smiled from beneath her hood and the two quickly started to push on the door with all their little might. But for some reason the door didn't budge, staying sealed shut and the two grunted as they strained against the wooden frame. But the effort proved pointless and the two quickly gave up the struggle, letting out deep (but quiet) sighs of despair. Star leaned heavily against the door when Marco suddenly whispered into her ear, "Let me give you a boost up and you can try the handle."

The blonde didn't argue with that, standing up straight as she watched Marco cup his hands into a foothold for her. Star placed her foot in his palm, before hoisting herself up using his shoulders for leverage. Once she was suspended above ground she sprung up off her companion's hands and grabbed on tightly to the handle. She hung off it as it slid down but instead of a noisy click like usual, there was nothing. Meaning the door was locked.

Star frowned, before dropping back down to her feet, Marco staring at her with a mixture of confusion and anticipation. She bit her lip, thankful he couldn't see her face beneath the hood. The last thing she wanted was to make him feel worse about the whole situation. "Well," he whispered, leaning in close to her face and Star felt her cheeks heat up for some reason.

Star shook her head. "It's locked from the other side," she explained, hoping she didn't sound too disappointed. She really shouldn't have gotten her hopes up, especially since the whole thing had seemed too good to be true, but the idea of a decent meal had gotten her excited.

"What?" the boy groaned, his bright eyes filling with disappointment, a sad frown on his face. "But I just checked it yesterday."

"Guess they figured out you were getting in there," Star said, in the most sympathetic tone she could.

"Well guess we came all this way for nothing," Marco said, sitting down hard on the wood floor with pure despair in his voice.

Star couldn't stand seeing her new friend so downtrodden and tried to think of some way to cheer him up. She looked around for an idea of how to help him, before spotting the doorway across the hall, the sound of sharp metal slicing ringing through the air. Star swallowed hard, knowing what she was thinking of was probably a terrible idea. In fact, it was an incredibly stupid and dangerous idea but now that it was in her head, she knew it would be impossible to get out. Besides, she reasoned with herself. I want to make Marco smile again and if it works…

"Well, I know another way we can get some food," Star said, looking over to Marco knowingly.

The boy gave her a confused look, an eyebrow slowly rising. "How?" he asked, with fragile hope in his eyes.

"Well the pantry may be off-limits but…" Star gestured with her head in the direction of the doorway. "I bet there is some food in there."

Marco's eyes widened. "In… there," he whispered, pointing at the doorway fearfully. "B-B-But, the chef is in there."

Star put an arm around his shoulder saying confidently (more confident than she actually felt), "Come on, Marco. It'll be fiiinnneee. I know my way around this place, I'll keep you safe."

Marco frowned, the doubt clear in his eyes, as he muttered nervously, "I don't know."

"Hey, relax. As long as we stay quiet he will never even know we're there," Star said, flashing him a bright grin, not realizing he couldn't see it under her hood.

Star's enthusiasm seemed to sway Marco's mind some, a thoughtful look spreading across his face as he bit his lip, clearly contemplating his options. "Welllll…" he began, only for his rumbling stomach to interrupt him.

"See, Marco, you're hungry, let's get you some food, come on," Star said, not giving the boy a chance to argue as she grabbed his arm and dragged him in the direction of the kitchen. The boy whined under his breath but otherwise didn't resist, following reluctantly along behind his companion.

Everything about this was making his instincts scream at him but he held back the urge to run away, putting his faith and trust in Star. Like she had said, she had been doing this much longer than him, staying alive on this horrible boat all by herself. Marco had barely survived the week, having to fend off every meal he stole from the pantry from rats and other vermin including… leeches. The boy shuddered at the thought.

But Star. Star was amazing! Even though he had only briefly met her, he could tell just how cool she was and he knew if anyone could get them some decent food, it was her. So he figured it was best to follow Star's lead on this.

But he was quickly regretting this as the sound of chopping grew all the louder. The closer they got, the louder it grew, causing anxiety to course through Marco's bloodstream, turning it to ice. When they reached the door frame, Star peaked her head around the side, checking to see the position of the chef, trying to hold back the cringe as she took in the hideous form.

The creature towered over the two miniature children, it's skin an unhealthy looking shade of almost gray. Then again, nothing about the creature screamed healthy. The chef was overweight, barely fitting into its grungy work uniform. Its meaty arms and hands were hard at work, chopping away at a large slab of meat in front of it, short, stubby finger gripping the massive knife tightly as it slammed the blade viciously into the meat, again and again, its movements sporadic and almost vengeful, like it was getting some sick pleasure from it all. It wore the typical garb of a chef, complete with chef hat and apron, its uniform stained with blood and who knows what else.

Its face looked like melting dough, thick layers of skin and flesh hanging loosely from its expressionless face. It was almost too expressionless, something about it felt off to Star like it wasn't really a face at all. Maybe a mask? The chef made noisy grunts and moans as it worked, its attention so focused on its work it thankfully didn't notice the two kids.

Star waited a moment, making sure the nightmarish creature was properly distracted before putting a finger to her lips and gesturing Marco closer. The small boy swallowed hard but followed after the girl, nearly jumping in fright as he spotted the towering figure of the chef. Star saw he was about to scream and quickly covered his mouth with her hand, muffling the cry of terror. Marco continued to stare at the chef in pure fear and Star quickly pulled him to safety under a nearby table, out of the chef's line of sight.

She gave Marco a moment to calm himself down, his breathing shallow and sporadic and Star wasn't sure how he hadn't hyperventilated yet. Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Star thought to herself. But what other choice did they have? They needed to eat and this seemed to be the only way to guarantee them food. The blonde waited until the boy's breathing calmed enough before removing her hand from his mouth, keeping a hand on his back to steady him.

"Sorry," he mouthed to her, afraid of making any sound whatsoever.

Star pulled off her hood and gave him a sympathetic smile mouthing back to him, "It's fine."

She then pointed to herself and toward the next area of the kitchen before pointing at Marco and then at the ground, hoping the message was clear. You stay here, I'll get the food. But the young boy shook his head stubbornly, a determined look in his eyes as he grabbed onto the girl's hand, causing a blush to spread across her cheeks.

There was no way he was letting her go alone. Star had been alone enough, she deserved to have someone by her side. Even if he was afraid, he was going to do everything in his limited power to help her any way he could.

Star was surprised by Marco's response, figuring he would prefer to stay out of harm's way but he actually wanted to go with her. Star felt another stirring in her chest, the warmth beginning to grow and spread to the rest of her but she ignored it for now. Now was not the time to be consumed by emotions, now was the time to act.

So Star simply nodded her head, giving his hand a tight squeeze before slowly leading them out from the safety of the table, creeping past the chef who was still hard at work cutting slabs of meat, before ripping them apart with its bare hands. Star kept a watchful eye on the chef as they tip-toed past him, staying as low to the ground as possible. The chef was becoming violent with its work, slamming the large butcher knife into the meat again and again and Star felt her stomach roll in disgust. These monsters were insane.

The two finally made it past the creature, creeping silently down the stairs into the main area of the kitchen. Star held her breath at every creak she heard on the rotten wood but thankfully the noise was not enough to alert the chef of their presence.

The two tiny kids continued to creep around the kitchen area, ignoring the array of foul odors coming from the many, many boiling pots on the stove tops. How anyone could eat this stuff was beyond Star. The who was eating it was what had her intrigued but she didn't really want to over think that, in all honesty, she would rather not know. Hopefully, there was better food for them to munch on around here. Star looked around for any sign of good food to eat, before spotting a large metal door at the far end of the room. The freezer. That had to have some real food, right?

Star grinned, before tapping Marco on the shoulder to gain his attention. He gave her a confused look and she pointed over to the door. His eyes widened with greed before he licked his lips, the prospect of food too entrancing to them both. He nodded to her, a smile on his innocent face and suddenly everything felt worth it to Star just to see his eyes light up like that.

The two made their way towards the door tip-toeing as slowly and quietly as possible… when two Nomes appeared out of nowhere, chittering as they scurried around the room, one of them bumping into the door to an oven causing it to slam closed. The loud noise caused both Star and Marco to jump in fright and they both felt their hearts drop as a loud moan sounded from the next room, followed by shuffling feet.

The chef had heard the noise and it was coming to investigate.

Star gave up any hopes of stealth as she shouted to her companion, "Run!" The two ran as fast as they could through the kitchen, the chef making another loud groan as it spotted them but Star didn't dare turn around. Instead, she just focused on getting away. She could hear pounding feet as it chased after them and Star quickly ran under a table in the center of the room, hoping that would stall it enough from catching them.

Finally, Star reached the door to the freezer but felt her heart stop as she noticed the large rusted metal lock on its handle. The blonde swallowed hard, trying to think of some way for them to hide before spotting a large shelf. Star nearly sighed in relief as she shouted, "Come on, Marco! Over here!"

But as she turned to check behind her, she saw that Marco was not there. "Marco?" Star repeated softly, feeling a cold fear creeping up her spine.

"Star!" came the terrified and fragile voice of Marco and Star felt pure terror fill her system as she followed the voice to a horrible sight.

The chef had Marco.

Holding him tightly by the back of his hood, being none too gentle with him as it looked around for her. The boy's body swung haphazardly around as he hung there, kicking his bare feet uselessly and trying to somehow pry the meaty grip off of him. But it was no use. Marco was caught.

Star didn't think she had ever been more afraid than she was at that very moment as she watched the one person in the world who understood her and she cared for in the clutches of that vile creature and it was all Star could do to keep herself from running over and trying to pry him loose, but she knew that would only result in both of them being caught. She needed a different plan to save her friend, preferably one that kept either of them from being served up on a platter.

She quickly ducked behind cover as she watched the chef for a moment, trying to formulate some kind of plan to rescue Marco. Her heart was hammering so hard against her chest at this point she worried she was about to have a heart attack. And as she listened to Marco's desperate and frightened cries, calling out for help, screaming Star's name at the top of his lungs, it felt like a knife had just been wedged deep into her heart, twisting viciously within.

The blonde continued to scan the area around her, looking for something, anything, that could save Marco. Finally, the gears in her head began turning as an idea came to her out of nowhere. She didn't even hesitate as she jumped into action, unable to waste precious seconds thinking it through or second-guessing herself, she would just have to hope it worked. For Marco's sake.

Marco's tiny heart was racing so hard it was painful as he tried futilely to free himself, doing anything he could think of to escape. The chef finally gave up its search for the other vermin and instead carried its captive over to a nearby table… one with a conveniently placed cutting board and butcher knife. The chef practically threw Marco down on the table, the boy letting out a cry as his back painfully collided with the hardwood surface. He tried to crawl away but was stopped as the chef placed a grubby hand over him, keeping him pinned and effectively trapped. The boy tried to squirm away but he was trapped, the pressure on his chest causing him to cough and wheeze, struggling to suck in enough oxygen. He could feel something oozing against his back and he felt bile rising at the back of his throat as he shuddered. He did not want to think about what that could be.

The chef casually picked up the knife beside Marco, the gleam off of its smooth edge hitting Marco and causing him to be temporarily blinded. He blinked furiously, trying to regain his vision as he let out shuddering breaths. The moment his vision returned, however, he wished it hadn't as he saw the chef raise the knife high over its head, preparing to strike.

Marco squeezed his eyes shut, his short few years of life flashing before his eyes as he waited for the finishing blow. This was it, he thought to himself. I never even got to tell Star goodbye.

Just before the chef could begin its swing though, something smashed into the back of its head, causing the creature to stumble and release its grip on Marco. The boy looked up with confusion before spotting Star in the scaffolding above a pile of small pots and cups sat next to her. She stared down at him with her bright blue eyes full of relief and determination and for a second Marco wondered if he was staring at the face of an angel instead.

"Marco run!" Star screamed, lifting another pot over her head, preparing to fling it at the chef.

The boy quickly hopped down off the table, the chef reaching down to pick him back up only to be nailed in the arm by the surprisingly strong-armed Star. The boy ran as fast as he could away from the chef, heading the same direction he had seen Star take. The chef chased after him but was stopped after only a few steps as Star managed to land another hit on it with a pot, causing the chef to release a very annoyed growl, clearly growing frustrated with the pair of vermin that had invaded its kitchen.

Star did her best to hold the chef off as Marco ran over to the shelf Star had used, quickly climbing up. But he wasn't fast enough as the chef was finally catching up to him, beginning to ignore the array of glass objects crashing into its head and body, seconds away from reaching the shelf. Star saw her friend wasn't going to make it in time and quickly held out a hand and yelled over to him in desperation, "Marco jump!"

Marco threw himself off the shelf, stretching out an arm towards Star's waiting hand. Time seemed to slow as he flew through the air, reaching out for his friend with all his might, hoping he was able to reach her. Luckily, he barely managed to grab onto her, his fingers nearly slipping out of hers but the blonde squeezed his hand tight, refusing to let go. Star grunted and tried to brace herself as Marco's weight threatened to pull her down too and quickly added her other hand to the effort of holding Marco.

Below them, the chef was stretching up as high as its chubby arms would allow, letting out hideous grunting noise as it tried to somehow reach the two pests. Star and Marco ignored this, however, as Star focused only on pulling Marco up on the overhead beams with her. She finally managed to gain enough leverage to drag him up with her, the boy soon sitting beside her, both panting from exertion and the remnants of adrenaline and terror coursing through their bloodstream.

The two took a moment to calm down, laying next to each other on the high beams and just letting everything that had happened wash over them. That had been one of the most terrifying ordeals of their joint lives and they dreaded to imagine what might have happened had Star not stepped in when she did. Marco tried not to picture the knife being swung high, still seeing the glint of the cool metal and he felt tremors still coarse down his spine at the memory. It had been too real, too close and he was sure it would be haunting his nightmares for weeks after.

"Thanks," Marco finally managed to mumble, still trying to calm his breathing. "That was… too close."

"Yeah, it was," Star agreed, her own voice trembling some. "Sorry I let that happen. I should have protected you better." She slammed a clenched fist into the wooden board they lay on in anger, frustrated with herself for not doing more. She had promised she would keep him safe, instead he had almost gotten killed on her watch.

"Star, it's fine, it's not your fault I got caught," the boy said, trying not to let his fear show as the memory still haunted his mind. It was still too fresh to ignore, to forget. But he didn't want to make his friend feel any worse than she already did. So instead he gave her a warm smile and told her in the most pleasant tone he had at the moment, "Besides you're the one who saved me. I woulda been a goner back there if not for you.”

"Yeah, but you wouldn't have been in any danger if not for me," Star mumbled, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"The important thing is we both survived, right?" Marco said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Star stared at him in surprise for a moment. She had expected him to be angry or upset, maybe even part ways with her to avoid further disaster. Instead, he willingly and openly forgave her and Star was so stunned by this she had no idea how to respond for a moment. Instead, she found herself staring into his stunning brown orbs for a moment, full of so much hope and tenderness that her cheeks heated up against her will.

She coughed into her hand to hide whatever this strange emotion was Marco kept making her feel, deciding it best to change the subject before she started acting weird. She really didn't want to humiliate herself in front of her new friend. So she tried to distract herself by taking a closer look at the kitchen below. At this point the chef had given up any hope of catching the intruders, instead going back to making its disgusting meals, grumbling to itself the whole time in its high-pitched whine.

But the blonde wasn't interested in the chef anymore, her concern was on the freezer door and more importantly the lock that prevented them entry inside. She laid her head on her knee for a moment as she muttered in annoyance, "Well so much from getting any food in there."

Marco sat up and followed her gaze to the door, frowning in disappointment. "Yeah, I was really hoping to eat, too."

The two let out simultaneous sighs, staring in longing as the only chance at a decent meal was just out of reach. If only they could get inside there. Suddenly an idea came to Marco, his eyes widening at the thought and a bright smile beginning to spread across his face. He turned to his companion and quickly proclaimed, "Actually I think we can!"

"What? How?!" Star asked in intrigue, leaning closer to him until their faces were nearly touching.

Marco ignored the stirring his chest at the close contact, instead replying, "Well that's a lock right? So all we need to do is find the key."

Star gasped, her own eyes filling with excitement as she exclaimed, "Marco, you're a genius!"

The boy blushed at the compliment, rubbing sheepishly at the back of his neck. "I mean, I don't know if I'd say genius," he muttered in embarrassment. But his nervousness doubled as Star suddenly threw her arms around him in a hug, causing his heart to skip a beat. The warmth was surprising but not unwelcome and Marco found himself melting into the tight embrace, treasuring every second.

Star wasn't sure why she had decided to do this, she had just been so… was happy the right word? She didn't know what she was feeling but she just knew she needed to express it in some way and the next thing she knew she had her arms around him. But now that it was happening, she found she kinda enjoyed it. She liked having Marco this close to her and she found her heart stirring inside her chest for some reason. She still didn't know how to describe the feeling just yet but.... it was nice.

The girl released her hold, pulling back so they could stare into each other's flushing faces. Star felt suddenly awkward about the display of affection, playing with a loose strand of hair as she whispered, "Sorry, I don't know why I was…" Her voice trailed off and she was tempted to hide her flushed face inside her hood once more.

"Uhh, no it's fine," Marco replied, still clearly in shock but the joy on his face was clear as day. "I thought it was nice."

Star grinned back. "Me too."

The two stayed like that for a moment, smiling blissfully at each other, before a loud swing from the chef's knife caused the two to jump, reminding them where they were at. "Come on," Star said, standing up. "Let's go find that key!"

"Alright," Marco replied enthusiastically, following along behind the girl as they went in search of the key to their breakfast.

...

Star peeked her head out from the grate she was hiding in, watching as the two chefs noisily cleaned the dishes, piles and piles sprawled before them, some reaching almost as high as the ceiling. But that wasn't what had piqued Star's interest, her focus was on the small silver key set precariously close to the soapy water and in plain view of the two monsters. Marco must have noticed it too because he turned to her with a smile and a determined gleam in his eye, which she returned. They both nodded as one before crouching back under so they could safely discuss their plan of attack.

The two had been searching for the key for a while now but luckily they had found a loose floorboard and had been able to sneak around undetected right under the Monsters' noses. Except now their only way to get into the freezer was being guarded by the twin chefs and getting past them was going to be tricky. "So what now?" Marco asked Star, keeping his voice below a whisper.

Star thought for a second before replying, "We need to lure them away somehow."

She put a finger to her chin, pondering over an idea, when Marco suddenly said, "The hooks.”

"Huh?" Star said, looking over at the boy in confusion.

"There are a conveyor of hooks running all through this place, I bet if we find the switch that'd draw their attention," Marco explained simply.

"Oh yeah!" Star agreed, smiling brightly at her new friend. "Great idea, Marco!"

The boy grinned at the praise, before standing up and starting to crawl out of the grate, "Cool, then I'll go find the switch-”

But Star cut him off, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him back down with her, saying in a quiet hiss, "Are you crazy?! You can't go out there it's too dangerous!"

“Well one of us has to find the switch," Marco argued.

But Star wasn't having, shaking her head vigorously. "No way, it's too risky! What if you get caught again?!"

"I'll be careful," Marco told her, trying to sound more reassuring than he felt. "Besides, someone is gonna have to run to get the key and I think we both know who is faster." The two shuddered as the memory from earlier flashed through their minds, neither of them wanted a repeat of what happened.

"Okay," Star reluctantly agreed. "Just promise me you'll be safe."

Marco nodded once. "Of course. Safe is my middle name," he told her, giving her a small smile. Marco could see the tiniest of grins on Star's lips and he felt his heart flutter. Then, without warning, she pulled him into a hug, holding him tightly against her for a moment. Marco's cheeks blushed red but he wrapped his own arms around Stars slender frame, listening to her even breathing for a moment.

They parted much too quickly for Marco's liking, craving her warmth and comfort almost as much as she did. But that would have to wait for now, they needed to focus on the task ahead. They could decipher the tangle of emotions they felt later. Marco stood up and Star whispered softly to him, "Good luck."

Marco nodded, before replying, "You too." He then climbed out of the hole slowly. He kept a close eye on the two chefs, who were too deep in their task to notice him yet, as he carefully crept around, staying low to the ground, trying to make himself as small as possible.

He saw one of the chefs move away from the dishes and he quickly hid underneath one of the large sinks, trying to keep his breathing steady as his heart pounded painfully against his chest. He waited until his heartbeat had slowed to a reasonable speed, before risking peeking his head out from the safety of his hiding spot. The chefs had its back to him, sniffling noisily as it arranged dishes on a large shelf. Marco, seeing he was safe for the moment began looking around for the switch he needed. He spotted a large lever in the next room and smiled. That was it. It had to be.

Marco, seizing his chance, sucked in a deep breath and stepped out of his hiding spot. He tiptoed toward the next room, keeping a close eye on the chef as he did. He held his breath, his body starting to shake with fear as he repeated again and again in his terror-filled mind, Please don't turn around, please don't turn around, please don't turn around.

Snap!

The sudden jarring noise caused Marco to jump, looking slowly down at the floor where the sound had come from. The boy felt his heart come to a painful stop as he spotted the bits of glass under his feet. The boy had been so focused on the chef he hadn't been paying enough attention to the world around him and had somehow not noticed the array of broken, discarded plates scattered around him from where the chefs had presumably dropped them.

The boy froze as he heard a grunt from the chef, turning to the towering creature with pure dread coursing through his veins and nearly screamed in fright as he saw the chef turning around to see what had caused the loud noise. Marco panicked, time seeming to slow to a crawl as he waited for his presence to be revealed, to be caught and captured all over again. He knew he should move, run, escape but he couldn't. His legs felt like they were made of lead and his body was still and unmoving as a result.

This was it. In a matter of seconds, he would be back in the grubby grip of the nightmarish chef. He wasn't sure he could bear being flung around haphazardly by the heartless capture again. Couldn't stand the thought of being pinned in place as he watched the instrument of his demise slowly rise, ready to end his short, few years of existence.

But then suddenly, like a light at the end of a dark tunnel, Marco remembered Star. How devastated she would be if he died. How she was counting on him to pull through. He had promised her he would be careful. And he couldn't let her down. He refused to cause her anymore pain or grief. He had seen her desperation before, when she had struggled to reach that loaf of bread, the sight of her so helpless and struggling had torn at his heartstrings. He didn't want her to suffer, he wanted to help her, even if he didn't know how just yet.

So he pushed back his fears into the corner of his mind and forced his legs into motion. He ran quickly across the loose floorboards doing his best to dodge around the broken plates and make as little to no noise as possible. Still, just as he entered the next room he heard the chef release a surprised grunt and he knew he had been spotted. He had to be quick and make every second count.

He hopped up onto a table and jumped onto the lever. His weight caused the switch to be pulled down, a loud whining sound invaded Marco's eardrums and nearly causing them to burst. He landed back on the table and covered his ears with his hands, the sound of grating metal almost too much for his fragile ears. After a few seconds, it stopped as the conveyor of hooks began moving in the opposite direction. Marco smiled in victory.

But he didn't have long to celebrate this as the chef walked into the room Marco was in, letting out an annoyed groan as it spotted him. The boy ran across the tabletop, pushing his legs faster than they could physically go, hoping to somehow escape. The chef strutted its way over to the table, reaching out a grubby hand to grab him but Marco slid under it at the last second.

The boy then jumped through a window into the main room again, landing in a sink filled with soapy water. Marco, who had never learned to swim, struggled to get above water, flailing his arms in some desperate attempt at not drowning. But his clothes felt like they were weighing him down as he became distinctly aware of the chain on his ankle which seemed to be dragging him down instead of up. And to make it worse his eyes were stinging from the obsessive amounts of soap the monsters had used to clean the dirty plates. Finally, the boy managed to get his head above water, gasping and sputtering and he tightly gripped the edge of the sink.

He looked up with blurry and pain-filled vision to see the second chef rushing at him as fast as its stubby legs could carry it. "Oh come on!" Marco screamed in annoyance. Could the universe just give him a freaking break?

The boy quickly jumped out of the sink and made a break for his hiding spot from earlier, his drenched clothes making it difficult to run. Still, he managed to reach the table unharmed, ducking down underneath it and trying to make himself as small as possible. The twin chefs had soon gathered around the table, one of them struggling to reach underneath, straining with all its might to reach the boy, the other just watching the whole thing with nervous annoyance.

Star took advantage of the distraction Marco had provided, quickly racing over to the large sink, climbing up onto it and picking up the key. She smiled in victory, which was short-lived as one of the chefs spotted her and let out a loud moan. Star felt her heartbeat race in her chest, looking around for an exit. She would never make it to the grate in time, which meant she needed another way out of here.

Her gaze rested on the hooks above her head and an idea sprang into her mind. She threw the key with all her might, letting it hit the ground with a loud thud, the chef forgoing her in favor of its precious key. Star then shouted over to her companion, "Marco, over here!"

The second chef had stopped its attempts to snatch him up to watch the commotion going on with its brother and Marco used this distraction to crawl out from underneath the table and quickly running over to Star. The girl offered him a hand up, as he climbed up onto the side of the sink with her. "Where's the key?" he asked, panting from both fear and exertion.

Star shook her head. "Forget the key, we gotta get outta here.”

"How?" Marco asked, his voice cracking with fear.

"We go up," Star said, looking up at the line of hooks and then a large stack of plates reaching just high enough for the two of them to be in reach of the hooks. Marco followed her gaze before a small grin lit up his face. The two's eyes met again and they shared a brief smile before nodding in unison. They had a plan, now was the time to see it in action.

The two climbed up the large stack of plates, ignoring as they wobbled and jolted around with every step. When Star and Marco reached the top they found themselves struggling to keep their balance, holding out their arms in an attempt to stay on the unsteady stack. The chefs both reached for the two children, grunting in their feeble attempts, growing more and more frustrated with every second that passed. Star, however, had her eyes on the hooks, waiting for one to be in position for them to reach it.

She watched as one slowly slid closer, her body tensing as she shouted, "Marco, get ready to jump!"

"Right!" the boy yelled back, determination in his voice as the two crouched down waiting for the right moment.

"3," Star whispered under her breath.

"2," Marco added, his voice shaking with anticipation.

"1!" The two kids shouted together jumping up just as the hook passed over their heads. The sudden shift in weight, finally caused the huge stack of plates to collapse and tumble onto the unsuspecting chefs, causing them to groan in pain and surprise.

Star grabbed tightly onto the rusted metal, while Marco wrapped his arms around Star's waist, clinging to her tightly. The two cheered in victory as they sailed over the kitchen, Star shouting at the frazzled chefs, "Ha take that you monsters! That's the last time you'll think about messing with us!" She then stuck her tongue out at the creatures for added measure.

Marco just let out a sigh of relief, glad that the whole terrifying incident was over. He held Star in an almost death grip trying to ignore the long drop that waited just below them, burying his head into her bright raincoat. Now that they were safe and out of harm's way he couldn't help but enjoy holding onto Star like this, even if they were precariously dangling in the air.

However, something was still bothering Marco. Something he couldn't quite get his mind off of. "Star, where do these hooks lead?" he asked, looking up at his more knowledgeable friend.

Star didn't seem even slightly worried, saying in a smooth, confident tone, "Oh relax, Marco. I'm sure everything will be fine now that we got away from those chefs."

Marco looked up ahead to see where the conveyor belt was leading them only to gasp in shock. "Oh no we didn't!" he screamed and Star looked over her shoulder only to see one of the chefs waiting for them, piles of packages stacked all around it.

Star gasped in surprise and let go of the hook, dropping the two to the ground without warning. Thankfully, a pile of cloth broke their fall and the two slowly crawled their way out of it, cringing and rubbing their aching backsides from the rough landing.

The door behind them busted open, the sheer force causing the thin wood to snap off its hinges and Star and Marco jumped at the sudden noise. The second chef stood in the doorway, a towering, hideous figure fuming with hate and rage and the pair felt the hair on the back of their necks stand on end at the sight.

"Run!" Star screamed for what felt like the hundredth time that day, gripping Marco's arm tightly and pulling him along behind her. She wasn't going to make the same mistake as before. She was not letting him go this time. The two ran as fast as their little legs would let them, their bare feet slapping against the wooden floor and they could hear the enraged chef chasing after them, right on their heels.

What was worse the two were quickly approaching a dead end, a huge gap in the ship standing between them and freedom and Star felt her heart clench in despair. Until Marco shouted, "Look, more hooks!"

The blonde followed her companion's pointing finger to a new row of hooks, these stretching right across the massive gaping hole in front of them. Star tightened her grip on Marco's hand, hoping they made it to them in time.

They could hear the loud, gurgling breathe of the chef getting louder and louder and Star knew they couldn't wait any longer… not unless they wanted to be monster food. So, steadying her nerves (what was left of them) and sucking in a deep breath of air (possibly her last) she dove for the hooks, jumping off the thin railing that was meant to keep people from slipping over the side to their deaths. Marco somehow sensed her movement and jumped too, the two airborne for a second, before Star managed to snatch the hook out of mid-air, the two now dangling from the moving conveyor belt, only their intertwined hands keeping Marco from plummeting to his death..

The chefs were none too happy seeing their prey escaping, throwing all manners of things at them from plates to large bottles of intoxicants, letting out high-pitched groans and grunts as they watched their possible meal slowly drift away.

Unlike before the two kids didn't dare cheer their victory, Star was too busy trying not to lose her grip on Marco's hand. Their position had been much easier before, her arm straining to hold Marco's weight, feeling like her bone was being pulled from the socket. Not to mention her grip on the hook threatening to slip with every passing second. But she fought through the pain, focusing only on getting her and Marco to safety. She would not lose Marco now. Not after everything they had just gone through.

Finally, Star could let go as the hooks flew over a large metal pipe, the two landing gracefully on it. Star clutched her sore arm tightly, hissing some in pain and Marco was quick to check on her. "Are you alright? Did you get hurt?" he asked, concern in his voice as he put a hand gently on the limb.

"I'll be fine," Star reassured him, giving him a bright smile.

Marco nodded but wasn't entirely convinced, reminding himself to keep a close eye on her for a bit. He turned and looked back over the gap, letting out a longing sigh. "Well there went our meal ticket," he muttered under his breath.

Star frowned, sitting down on the pipe as she contemplated everything. "Yeah, I know. Sorry I blew our chance to eat," she mumbled dejectedly.

"Star it's fine, I'm just glad we got away," Marco said, subconsciously laying a hand on top of hers. Star shivered as his warm palm soaked into her cold skin, making her whole arm tingle from the touch. "Besides we'll find more food.... soon."

Star nodded, unable to keep the smile off her face. "Yeah, you're right," she replied in a much more upbeat tone. She didn't know what it was but something about Marco made her world… brighter somehow. She really liked having him around.

"So what now?" Marco asked, looking to her for answers, his bright eyes causing her heart to do all kinds of weird things.

Star shrugged, ignoring the sudden heat in her cheeks. "Guess we should see where this pipe leads."

"You think it'll lead into anything good?" Marco asked as the two stood, their hands still locked. They didn't know why but they liked it better this way.

"Probably not," Star said honestly. "But it can't hurt to try."

"Can't argue with that," the boy replied with a shrug. After everything that had happened today, he really didn't see how it could get any worse.

...

The two followed the pipe for a bit, not really sure what to expect on the other end. They began to notice a strange warmth coming from up ahead but couldn't quite figure out what it was. That was when Star heard a sound and felt her heart jump for joy. She stopped in her tracks, causing Marco to stumble into her on accident. "Marco, do you hear that?" she asked in excitement.

Marco paused to listen intently, finally hearing a chittering sound. "Is that a Nome?"

"Yep!" Star said, her eyes shimmering for the first time since Marco had met her.

"So what about it?" Marco asked in confusion.

"First rule of survival, when in doubt follow the Nomes," Star explained. She dragged Marco behind her as she ran across the pipe as quickly as possible before coming across a crack in the wall. The two paused at that, sharing looks with each other, before shrugging. Star slipped in through the tiny crack, sucking in her breath to help her squeeze through a little easier, Marco following right behind her.

What the two stepped into caught both of them off-guard. A group of Nomes, at least 20 or so were all laying around the area, a large boiler, full of hot coals and warm fire rested in the center of the room. The Nomes, upon spotting the two intruders quickly panicked and all started to scamper away.

"Wait, little guys!" Star called after them. "We won't hurt you!"

She let go of Marco's hand to chase after them, while Marco could only stand there dumbfounded. He had only ever heard the Nomes before through the cracks in his prison but seeing them in person it was quite a sight. They had cone-shaped heads, all completely featureless and small gray bodies. They were even shorter than Star and Marco and that was saying something but something about them also felt kinda cute, although that was probably helped along as he watched his friend's funny but endearing attempts to catch the remarkably quick Nomes shouting after them in an attempt to get them to stop. "Just let me hug you!”

Marco laughed out loud, feeling his cheeks heat up with a blush. But he soon spotted one of the Nomes stuck in a small crack in the wall that it had been too big to squeeze through. The boy rushed over to help the tiny creature, plucking it effortlessly out of the wall. "There you go, little guy," Marco said, setting it back on its feet.

Star, spotted the creature and quickly rushed over, lifting it off of its feet before hugging it tightly. Marco grinned at the cute sight before the blonde set the small creature back down who now let out a gentle coo and stared up at her almost longingly. "Now you hug him, Marco," Star told her friend, giving him an encouraging grin.

"Oh, okay I guess," Marco said, picking the creature up and hugging it just like Star had. It was surprisingly warm and the boy felt his spirits lift a little just by embracing the adorable creature.

The other Nomes, seeing that the intruders were friendly, slowly began to approach them, still slightly hesitant and fearful. Time aboard this ship had taught the Nomes to be cautious.

Soon, Star and Marco found themselves surrounded by Nomes and they happily took turns picking them up and hugging each one, the creatures soon almost begging to be picked up, each one getting more and more excited by the show of affection. Finally, the happy moment was broken up by a loud grumbling from Marco's stomach who blushed bright red.

"Aww poor Marco," Star cooed over to her friend. "I'm sure you must be hungry."

"Maybe a little," Marco replied, rubbing his empty stomach with a sad frown.

The Nomes heard this and all began to chitter loudly, rushing off to a corner of the room and Star and Marco shared a look of confusion. A second later, the gnomes were back now holding a large array of food which they set down in front of the pair. Star and Marco gasped in delight and surprise, feeling their mouths begin to water staring at the food. Real food!

Star and Marco didn't even question the creatures kindness as they began to gobble down the food as fast as their tiny mouths would allow. It was the best meal either had ever had, most of the time surviving on scraps but now they could fill their bellies up as much as they wanted. Anytime the two started to run low, the gnomes would bring them more and the two ate until their stomachs were stuffed to bursting.

The two let out happy moans as the food settled in their stomachs, before turning to the small creatures. "Thanks guys, we really appreciate it!" Star said brightly and the Nomes all let out what the blonde could only assume was joyful chitters.

With their bellies now full and their bodies warm and comfortable thanks to the furnace, the two felt the next pressing matter than needed to be attended to. That they, were in fact, beyond exhausted. It had been a tiring day both mentally and physically the two found themselves yawning and rubbing their eyes as they struggled to stay awake. "We should probably get some sleep," Star suggested.

Marco nodded but Star noticed his body visibly tense up. "Is everything okay, Marco?" she asked, concern etched into her voice.

Marco shook his head before admitting, "It's just… what if I have a bad dream?" He bit his lip, shuddering as he imagined the many nightmares he was often plagued by. And after today, he knew a few more had just been added to the list.

"Do you have nightmares a lot?" Star asked, already guessing the answer.

"Yeah," the boy muttered, his pupils wide with fear. "Sometimes I don't sleep cause I'm afraid… I'll dream about bad stuff again."

"Me too," Star replied and Marco caught her gaze, sympathy and understanding layered beneath. She could see his need was just as strong as hers and she tried to think of some way to help comfort him, to ease his mind.

"Here, how about this? You can lay on me and if you start to have a bad dream, I'll wake you," Star suggested, giving him a warm smile.

"But what about you?" Marco asked in concern. "Aren't you going to sleep?"

Star nodded. "Yeah but I'll sleep easier having you here."

Marco didn't argue with that, allowing Star to wrap her arms around him, his head resting against her chest. He found Star's presence comforting and as he gently breathed in her scent he found his eyes slowly closing. In a matter of minutes, Marco was fast asleep in Star's arms.

The blonde, however, just lay there soaking in Marco's warmth as she thought over her long, exhausting day. For so long life on board the Maw had been pointless and empty. She had carried on day by day just fighting to stay alive for no other reason than her own will to live. She had felt like her life lacked direction or purpose whatsoever but still she had carried on through the darkness and shadows, hoping to find something that would make her miserable existence worthwhile.

And then Marco had arrived and suddenly, she had a reason to live again. To believe, to hope that maybe someday there could be something better for her out there. Because now she had someone to share that with. She had a friend. A companion. Someone she could lean on and that could lean on her and it felt like for the first time in her life she was at peace.

And as Star lay there listening to Marco's breathing as her own eyes began to slowly shut, she promised herself that somehow she would help Marco escape this life, they would leave this dreadful ship together. Her nightmarish world felt a little brighter on that day and as sleep finally took hold Star found herself dreaming of light and hope and Marco.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 264: You Either Die a Hero...

Previously on BnHA: The kids of 1-A sat around waiting for something exciting to happen, and then it did happen, and they were all “!!” Over on the front lines, the heroes charged the Ol’ Villain Hotel with poor Kaminari crying the entire time, but we’ll excuse him since he is only in the second grade. Tokoyami gave him some gentle encouragement by reminding him of how hard he can slappa da bass, while Midnight told him to think of his one true love in order to find his inner courage, so he immediately thought of Jirou and everyone was like WHOA DID THEY REALLY JUST, and yeah, they kind of did? Anyway so Cementoss ripped the building open and Kaminari got all Thor on us and started battling this other electric guy, and then we cut to Hawks and Twice, who were having a friendly conversation similar to the friendly conversation Hawks had with Best Jeanist on the very same day that Jeanist abruptly went missing and was never heard from again! Hey, wait a second. You guys don’t suppose...??

Today on BnHA: Re-Destro gathers in the basement with all his followers and they’re all like “Re-Destro!!” and he’s all “what??” and they’re all “the heroes are attacking!!” and he’s all “:) :) :) the fuck??!” Outside, the heroes continue to wreak havoc, and between Edgeshot, Midnight, Honenuki and Toadette, I’m pretty sure they have actually killed some of these guys. But that’s silly though because heroes would never actually kill someone. Speaking of heroes not killing someone, back in the hotel, Hawks is all “(Ò‸Ó)” and Twice is all “(இ‸இ)” and then Hawks is all “I’m gonna arrest you but I’ll help you get through this and get back on your feet again afterwards because you’re a good person” and Twice is all “WHAT THE FUCK NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN” and does the whole Sad Man Parade thing. And Hawks is all “I don’t want to fight you!” and Twice is all “TOO BAD” and meanwhile Dabi is running up the stairs all “time to start some shit” and then the chapter ends. So while I’m relieved on behalf of Hawks’s soul, I can’t help but be a little concerned on behalf of his, uh, life. Shit.

okay, so! I finally have time to read this damn thing. but before I start, a couple of holdover thoughts from the prior chapter!

firstly, I want to go on the record now and say that I’ve decided once again that Hawks, in spite of all appearances, is not a murderer. you hear that Hawks. I’m putting my neck on the line for you. gonna look like a real stooge if you go and murder Twice before going on to fight Dabi to the death while we cut to Noumu!Jeanist taunting Bakugou

but in all seriousness, I just can’t reconcile it with what we know of Hawks’s character. his behavior during the fight against Hood almost got him exposed because he couldn’t bear to let anyone get hurt or to let Endeavor get killed. I know the HPSC got their claws in him at a young age, but in spite of that I don’t think he’s harboring a dark side. to me he always just comes off as tired and struggling to do the right thing even though he never asked to be put into this kind of position. he’s smart enough to understand the whole “needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” thing, but he’s also young enough to still hold to a certain idealism, and juuust cocky enough to have faith in his own cleverness and convince himself that he can somehow achieve this mission without sacrificing anyone else’s life

so in short, I don’t buy the dark!Hawks theories. I just can’t. but I guess we’re about to see! and my guess is that Horikoshi will probably have Dabi interrupt before Hawks can reveal his hand either way, because Horikoshi is just like that. what a troll

(ETA: I forgot that sometimes Horikoshi also likes to troll by giving you exactly what you want but in the most painful way possible. shit.)

now, moving on, the other thing I wanted to quickly address is Viz’s translation of this very important line from last week! so as a reminder, here is readheroaca’s version

and here is Caleb’s

I’m actually really glad I’ve been reading the fan translations first, because it made me more aware of the potential nuances in this scene. so is KamiJirou actually being confirmed here, or not?? and I spent 20 whole minutes digging into this more the other day because I have no life, so here are my findings!

first, here is the actual Japanese panel

and while I don’t speak Japanese, I can read hiragana well enough that I was able to plug it into a couple of translators to basically figure out what was being said. so here’s the full dialogue:

どこかの誰かじゃ

難しいなら --

今一番大事なものを

心に据えな

so the part in bold there is the line in question -- 大事なもの (daijina mono). “daiji” means “precious” or “important”, but the thing is, “mono” for whatever reason is written in hiragana and not kanji. and the word mono (which can be singular or plural btw) can hilariously mean either of the following depending on the kanji used:

lmao. so basically the bottom line is that from what I can see here, Horikoshi purposely didn’t specify! now I could be completely wrong; maybe this is a common enough expression that Caleb felt comfortable deciding that he meant “person.” or maybe he just guessed based on the context. or maybe he just said “fuck it, you only live once” and just went there because why the heck not

anyway, so that was fun, and for me it reinforced the fact that I really do prefer to have at least two different translations to compare in order to get the most complete picture of what exactly is going on here in this stupid manga that I obsess over week after week! so now let’s finally get to reading this thing

oh my

I have so many thoughts whirling around in my head right now, such as “oh my god look at all these secret entrances/exits the villains apparently had” and “wow the heroes are so thorough” and such, but ngl, right now the biggest one is “why are they all entering so slowly??” seriously though. let’s just gradually meander on in single-file. no rush. meanwhile 800m northwest and 1 km east, Cementoss is literally tearing the building in half and the other heroes are charging full speed all “ARGGHHHHH.” and over in Jakku, Miruko kicked a door open so hard it killed a guy. but we’ve all got our own styles I guess??

at least this one guy 800m north of the hideout is doing some doorbusting. sheesh. be more exciting please

oh hey it’s this place

behold. the great realm and dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf. well there’s an eye-opener and no mistake

LMAO THESE GUYS DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING YET OMG

oh my god. first of all wtf is that shirt. and second of all oh my fucking god, let me just shut up and read this is amazing

SDKLFJLSJK

LMAO

oh man. Re-Destro is one of the few characters whom I really want to see die. come on Horikoshi. don’t be a fucking coward. he’s had it coming ever since he killed that little mouse. and let’s not forget Giran. JUSTICE FOR GIRAN

oh we’re actually cutting back to this fight!

I wasn’t sure if we would! shounen authors have this habit of showing the start of a really cool battle only to then cut away to a bunch of other stuff and leave us hanging for a dozen chapters, so yeah. of course, that may still happen. I’m just lucky that I’m invested in virtually every single thing that’s going on right now, so it’s a win-win for me no matter where we cut to next

(ETA: lmao there really wasn’t much more to this fight to speak of. but what do you want to bet Horikoshi will try to pull this shit with Dabi and Hawks next week though.)

holy shit

this looks like when I attempt to build a gingerbread house. that’s uncanny

lmao Kami

YOU’RE DOING GREAT BUDDY. KEEP IT UP CHAMP

(ETA: Kaminari’s ridiculous smiling face is the balm we all need in these troubled times. tempted to ask him if he wouldn’t mind heading up to that telenovela happening over in Twice’s room and telling them all to lighten the fuck up.)

Lefty is all “does he have an absorption quirk?” because apparently he’s one of the two people that never watched the U.A. Sports Festival? how does anyone in this day and age manage to come across one of the 1-A kids and not know what their quirks are. and you’re a fucking general or whatever too, aren’t you? god you suck

so now he’s all “I BET YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO HANDLE... A FEW MILLION VOLTS” jesus christ. I bet you he can! but still, that’s awfully murdery of you. and to think, he’s on your side!! Kaminari are you really sure you want these guys as your friends

YOOOOOOO FUCKING KAKASHI ALL UP IN HERE DOING HIS HUMAN YONDU ARROW THING WHAAAAT

straight up prepared to be massively disappointed in Viz when they inevitably translate the “Ninpo” part instead of leaving it alone and letting everyone bask in these sentimental Naruto vibes. and also ngl I prefer for Edge’s lines to be as close to the original as possible so I can better imagine them in my head. stupid sexy Edgeshot

holy shit “I’ve pierced a small hole in each of your lungs” !!? WELL ALL RIGHT THEN, YOU SADISTIC WARRIOR OF THE NIGHT. YOU HEARD HIM BOYS. I’M SORRY, BUT HE’S ALL OUT OF FUCKS TODAY

OH HEY Y’ALL, MIDNIGHT HEARD YOU WERE KICKING ASS AND DECIDED TO JOIN IN, HOPE THAT’S ALL RIGHT

and if it’s not all right, well. tough

can you imagine. you’re just a simple villain, chilling out in your Hilton Garden Inn HQ and minding your own business when all of a sudden the walls come to life and some fucking shinobu busts a small hole in your lungs, and then you just fall asleep. sometimes life comes at you hard

now Kamui Woods is doing his whole Lacquered Chain Prison thing, but we’ve already seen that one so I’m not gonna bother showing it! tough break Kamui!!

OH MY GOD IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS

HALF OF THESE PEOPLE ARE ALREADY UNCONSCIOUS WITH HOLES IN THEIR LUNGS, SO SURE, HONENUKI, LET’S GO AHEAD AND FUCKING DROWN THEM TOO LMAO

LOOOOOOL OH CHRIST

CLASS 1-B WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!!!

LMAO AND NOW SHE’S STANDING WITH HER ARMS UP OVER HER HEAD ALL SMILING LIKE ERI AT THE FUCKING CONCERT. A COLD GOD IN AN UNCARING UNIVERSE. WHAT THE FUCK

oh shit everybody shut up we’re cutting back to Hawks!!

but you pulled it off because you’re so damn smart. so now let’s stand around and explain your plan to everyone. what the fuck, Hawks

(ETA: and the thing is, now I’m thinking that by “incredibly difficult” he doesn’t mean that it was the cipher part that was difficult lol. that part was child’s play. any simpleton could do that. no, the difficult part was betraying his new friend. anyway so how’s everyone doing? what a fun chapter!!)

hey everyone I still have unwavering faith that this man is not a killer just FYI

what does that say about me I wonder. let’s just completely ignore everything being presented on screen here. also what the heck happened to all this furniture? did he upend the entire room with his crazy feather attack, or is that damage from Cementoss’s shenanigans?

HAHA!! FUCK YEAH

I KNEW YOU WEREN’T A KILLER YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!

fuck yeah. of course, I realize that by betraying Twice so harshly like this, Hawks has still found himself on lots of people’s shitlists. but I would just like to put out a friendly reminder that Twice, despite being the nicest and most loyal guy you will ever meet, is still a terrorist who was going to kill a lot of people because he’s friends with a guy who wants to destroy the entire world. so basically there’s just no clean way out of this and it’s all very tragic

but anyway if it’s any consolation, I fully expect Dabi to turn up in the very next panel and be all “BLARGH! IT’S ME!” before we commence with the single sexiest battle in this manga to date

lmao Horikoshi. “but before we get to the sexy battle let me just twist that knife up in there real good!” jesus

friendly reminder that despite all appearances, Hawks is still objectively the good guy in this scenario. anyways for real, how are we all doing this afternoon. how many death threats has my bird son gotten today. I’m afraid to check. poor Twice is so trusting and I really hate to see him cry like this, poor baby. but I’m sure it’s also tearing Hawks up inside as well but we’re just not seeing it

and here we have Hawks, about to unleash his Mangekyou Sharingan

“are you sure you don’t think this sinister maniac looming in the shadows with the deranged look in his eyes is a ruthless killer, makeste?? are you really sure?” Horikoshi asks while pouring every last inch of malice he can into a single chilling panel

and yes, you bastard. I am sure. fuck you, how long are you going to make me sit here looking like a complete ass. look, we get it!! either way, Hawks is clearly a compelling actor! but the question is, which one is really the false face? is it the smiling, easygoing Hawks who always seems to have a faint hint of sadness in his eyes? or is it this menacing figure stripped of all mercy? is it really so crazy to go ahead and say that it’s the latter? huh?? [pokes Horikoshi in the chest] huh?????

anyway so Twice seems to slowly be progressing his way from despair to anger, which is probably not good. heh. fuck

maybe I was wrong about Dabi showing up and saving Twice, maybe his arrival will actually save Hawks instead lmao

anyway Hawks is still being all cold and creepy, and he’s all “you have my thanks.” and Twice is still crying, so maybe he’s still more sad than angry. well this is starting to drag out now though so if a certain spicy flame boi wants to make his grand entrance now, he’s welcome to do so anytime

oh shit Hawks is throwing me a bone!!! yessssss

YOU SEE!! THE SAD LOOK. HE DOESN’T WANT TO DO THIS. HE’S A GOOD BOY. oh my god I just realized how tense I was. hahaha what is this chapter

FINALLY OMG

NOOOOO I THOUGHT IT WAS DABI SNEAKING UP BEHIND HIM. OH MY GOD I CAN’T. WAS THIS HORROR MOVIE SERIAL KILLER ANGLE REALLY NECESSARY THEN, HORIKOSHI. WHAT THE FUCK

TWICE SHUT UP YOU ARE DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE!!!

fuck!!! this is why I was so sure he was going to die! because he won’t go quietly; he’s not the type to ever betray his friends. to him the League are basically the only family he’s ever known, so of course he’s not going to just be all “okay sure I’ll go to prison and let you reform me”

so then what, Hawks?? you didn’t fucking think this through you stupid kind-hearted punk!

sob!!!!

is that one of Hawks’s feathers slicing open the mask. sing it with me guys. to the tune of Jingle Bells: fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuck

OH MY GOD NOOOOO

I WEIRDLY WANT TO COVER MY EYES LOL OH GOD. I DON’T WANT THIS BUT I CAN’T LOOK AWAY HELPPPPP

FUCK ME, IT’S REALLY HAPPENING. HE COULDN’T BRING HIMSELF TO KILL HIM AND NOW HE’S SCREWED HIMSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE OVER, FUCK

FOR FUCK’S SAKE HAWKS YOU COULD HAVE JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT THEN!! YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND FUCKING TRY TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED IN DEIKA CITY, HAWKS. DO WE REALLY WANT A REPEAT OF THAT. SURE, WE’VE GOT CLASS 1-B OUT IN THE BACKYARD MORE THAN READY AND WILLING TO KILL ANY NUMBER OF BITCHES BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THEY DO, BUT STILL

oh shit!?!

lol excuse me are you really just going to end it there? fucking seriously. Dabi running up the stairs with the crazy eyes while Hawks regretfully thinks of himself and his side as “hero scum”?? fff

and that last part! holy shit! again, I don’t buy into any of the dark!Hawks theories, and that includes the theory that Hawks will turn on the heroes and end up siding with the villains (because, again, it has nothing to do with him liking the villains, or secretly resenting the HPSC; it’s strictly on account of the whole “the villains want to destroy the entire world” thing. like. unless you think Hawks is cool with all of that of course). so I have to admit this was very startling for me to read

but I do think this is probably just some of the inevitable self-loathing finally spilling over after being forced to play this role and do all these things for the sake of the greater good, rather than him hinting at a desire to turn against the so-called “hero scum.” but still, that’s probably as dark as we’re gonna get from him, and ngl, it’s some heavy stuff

goddammit. feel like we need to cut to some wholesome class 1-A antics or something after all of that. as always, angst is a double-edged sword that I always anticipate and love but am also destroyed by sigh

[locktobre]

In your Barbie-verse, what was it like for Rip growing up, and when he was an adult, post-getting out of fairy prison? Also, what happened to his mom? In the movies, we don't see her, and iirc, she was never mentioned, so I just assumed she died at some point, or Break was just a single dad.- That PCS Anon

Rip backstory is my favorite and I sure have a lot of it lmao

Rip’s mother was Barbra “Barb” Bloom, and she died when he was 9 (his brother Chuck was 11). But up to that point, Rip actually had a pretty good childhood. Barb also has a power, she was pretty sure, but it was so nebulous she could neither prove nor quite define it--either the ability to always find what she was looking for, or simply being in the right place at the right time, one of the two. Break didn’t believe it, and she didn’t bring it up a lot, since again, she couldn’t really explain the feelings she got, she just knew that some moments were special.

When Rip first started seeing things, she thought he was just being an imaginative kid, but then she realized it could actually be magic when she noticed that like... Rip doesn’t really have that great of an imagination. He’s more analytical, he doesn’t really color outside the lines or tell lies or get in trouble. Idk how to explain it, but sometimes ppl just seem like the type to say anything, you know? And then there’s ppl you can’t imagine ever lying or doing anything crazy or anything like that.

Anyway, so they were in it together while she was alive, and he had her there to talk about what he was seeing. But then she died, and Rip took it very hard. Everyone did, but Rip lost the one person he could really talk about magic with. And on top of that, he didn’t even know if he believed in magic anymore, bc if Barb was in the right place at the right time, she wouldn’t have been hit by that car, would she? So he doesn’t know what to believe, bc if she was wrong about her magic, then was she wrong about his? How does he know that he’s not just crazy? And he can’t talk to Break about it, bc Break does not believe. Chuck doesn’t really, either, but he’s nicer about it.

So that all leads to sort of a downward spiral as Rip grows up, bc he doesn’t always trust his perceptions. And that leads to the desperation to just jump thru a flyway when he’s 17, he was really not in a good place at the time. I touched on it in my other post, but he was gone for a couple weeks, and Break legitimately thought he was dead. And then when he tried to explain about the flyways and getting lost, of course that just pissed off Break even more bc it’s just more of Rip’s bullshit, right? So Rip eventually just says he ran away and then came back when he ran out of money (which is kinda-sorta the truth, if you strip the magic out). So Break’s furious with him (and so is Chuck), he’s grounded forever... But that’s actually a good turning point for him, bc he met Lilliana. And after the flyways, and Lilliana giving him some (begrudging) answers, he knows he’s not crazy. His friendship with Lilliana only lasts a few months, but by the time she cuts him off he’s friends with Finn, who may not believe him but also doesn’t fight him at every turn when he brings up magic, he’s more like lmao ok buddy whatever you say, which is honestly better than what Rip gets at home. And Finn does come around awhile to like wait no shit, really? For real? Which Rip can’t really believe but he’s so grateful.

Anyway so that’s up to 1989. Fast forward a couple years to 1991. Finn and Anne have been together for awhile, but Finn’s kind of like... He doesn’t want to break up with Anne, he still loves her a lot, but since their relationship has to be a secret, and it can’t really be any other way, it’s starting to wear on him. And he’s started to develop some romantic feelings for Rip that he wants to pursue, in part bc it would be much easier, honestly. But when he brings this up to Anne, she really doesn’t want to break up with him, either, so she says that he should just date Rip, too. And Finn’s like and... you’d be fine with that? And Anne’s like I will learn to be, anyway. And Finn’s not really sure if this will work or if Rip will even go for it. Rip is hesitant but he’s open to basically whatever so he’s like we can try it for awhile, I guess. Anne really makes an effort to be chill but it is hard on her and Rip’s like maybe we shouldn’t do this and Anne’s like I think the problem is that we don’t really know each other. Like Rip and Anne aren’t really friends, they’ve obviously met before but never really hung out one on one so Rip really knows her as Finn’s girlfriend, and she knows him as Finn’s weird friend. So they decide to start trying to get to know each other and be friends.

Rip doesn’t talk about any magic stuff with Anne for a couple reasons, one of which is that he doesn’t want to come off any weirder than he does when he’s trying to befriend the woman, and also bc she’s a royal and Rip does not care for royals. Not bc of anything politically, he just doesn’t think they are careful enough with magic and he doesn’t trust them with it. (He doesn’t trust anyone with magic, actually. Not humans, not fairies, not anyone.) So he has to give her the edited version of events when she’s like have you dated anyone before? And Rip’s like it wasn’t really dating but I did have a brief relationship with Lilliana Roxelle and Anne’s like. You mean the French supermodel? And Rip’s like yeah and Anne’s like how did you even meet her and he’s like I crashed her NYE party. And Anne doesn’t know what to make of him, bc it’s such a wild, specific thing to say that it could be a lie but it just feels like it’s true, bc why not say something more believable if you were going to lie? Anyway Rip’s more chill about not being believed at this point bc he has one person on his side again (Finn), so he just shrugs it off. And they just kinda move on and talk about their families and not getting along with their fathers, which are very different situations but it’s enough to commiserate over, and they just keep going like that.

And at the beginning of this, remember, Anne thinks of Rip as just Finn’s weird friend. She has no idea what he sees in Rip, romantically. (Or platonically, for that matter. Like he’s fun to hang out with but why not literally anyone else?) And Rip’s not super good looking, either. Like, he’s handsome enough, but you probably wouldn’t look at him twice. (He’s Break’s son, so that kinda limits how hot he can be lmao.) But he just has something about him. Like, when you talk to him, you get his full attention, he’s really supportive and sympathetic and he always feels like he gets what you’re going thru. So Anne starts to get it, and then she’s like wait am I catching feelings for this guy? THIS guy? And yeah, she is. So the three of them actually end up dating for awhile, which is a lot more complicated but they like each other enough to make it work.

However, meanwhile, Rip has met Calissa. And she’s a mermaid, and a queen, and she’s married, and she has a kid, but... Well. The heart wants what it wants. So Rip has to break it off with Finn and Anne. He can explain to Finn about Calissa, so they could maybe still date, but he can’t really tell Anne about a mermaid, and if he doesn’t tell her she’s a mermaid he doesn’t really have a good excuse for why they can’t ever meet this other girl and it just feels weird. And it’s already complicated, he can’t be in so many complicated relationships at once. And Anne’s really confused about why Rip would break it off, until he says that the girl he wants to see is already married, and Anne’s pissed that Rip would pursue something with a married woman. And he says he knows it’s wrong but... he’s gonna do it anyway. (He can’t exactly say that she’s not in love with her husband but can’t get a divorce bc she’s a queen and it would be a political nightmare... Which might not help, anyway, but at least it’s better than interfering in a loving marriage, right? Right?) Anyway, Anne thinks he’s not the man she thought he was and she doesn’t even want to be friends with him anymore. Finn still is, but they don’t hang out the three of them pretty much ever again.

Rip has his secret relationship with Calissa, she gets pregnant, and then they don’t really know what to do bc they don’t know if it’s Caligo’s baby and it’s fine or if it’s Rip’s baby and they need to panic. But as her pregnancy progresses, she’s pretty sure it’s Rip’s bc the baby’s movement feels different, she’s pretty sure the baby has legs and not a tail. So they really start to panic. Rip obviously wants to take the baby, but he can’t just show up at home with a random kid and say that hey btw my mermaid girlfriend gave birth. Break would think he was insane. Anyway so that’s when Rip gets the idea to fake his death, which he does. And he moves down the coast a ways and raises baby Merliah for about a year, until the Gloss Angeles guard track him down.

Cue botched execution and 17 year exile in Fairytopia, and then he returns to Earth in December 2012.

And life is actually... pretty damn good. He’s reunited with Calissa and Merliah, and his dad now knows he wasn’t lying about seeing fairies and meeting a mermaid and all of that. He has a lot to contend with, re-adjustment-wise, with how much the world has changed in the intervening time, and he also has 2 other daughters he had no idea about, and then Calissa gets pregnant with twins pretty fast so there’s a lot going on, but he’s used to chaos and having to learn about new environments so he takes it in stride, pretty much. He also reconnects with Finn (at Merliah and Kylie’s urging), so he even gets his old friend back.

And then, in 2016, a year post-RNR, Finn tells Anne that Rip’s alive. Which is in response to her telling him about keeping Sloane from him, and so he takes the opportunity to say I’ve actually been keeping something from you, too. (Idk if those two secrets are roughly equal, but for the characters I’m going to say they are.) And so Anne reconnects with Rip, too, and finally gets brought into the loop and learns about Rip’s powers and what really went down with him and Calissa and all of that. Which is a big shock but also he has some helpful advice about how to approach the situation with Sloane, having done it twice himself lmao. So honestly, everything comes up roses for Rip. He gets to live the rest of his life in quiet domesticity, which is all he ever really wanted.

The ONLY thing that kinda sucks is that due to how mermaids (and fairies) age, Calissa basically looks the same for their whole marriage. So as he gets older, she looks more and more like some young trophy wife, and he hates that anyone looking at him would think he’s some weird old man lmao. (He’s only 3 years older than her in actuality.) But that’s basically the only thing that sucks. Everything else in his life is very good, bc he deserves that goddammit.

[lady-divine-writes]

Fic prompt "Open your eyes? Please? Do this for me?" for GO. Love your writing, btw

Hey, nonnie! Thank you so much :) Here goes. Hope you like it

In Trade

Crowley doesn’t enjoy working underground.

The noise-sucking quiet, the oily darkness that snuffs out even the strongest lights, the stench of earth, the dampness that seeps through his clothes and into his skin …

Some creatures find comfort in these things but Crowley never has. It’s the closest one can come to the experience of being entombed alive, which he has been once or twice.

Not for long though. And mostly just for show.

Unfortunately for Crowley, Hell happens to be the basement of the whole Goddamned planet, so there are times he can’t avoid it. But he doesn’t spend more time down there than he needs. Below ground is where the world forgets about you.

Which is why Evil tends to reside there – scheming and dealing and lying in wait.

Like this latest pet project of Hastur’s, grown from the seedier alleys of SoHo downward, churning through the underbelly of the city.

A bordello - one that appeals to a very specific clientele with detestable desires.

And Crowley doesn’t approve.

As demons, they’re supposed to influence humans to act upon their baser instincts not physically create the means for them to do so. If Hastur wants so badly to infiltrate the sex worker industry, then he should get the humans to build their own bordellos. Of course, humans have been doing that for thousands of years without demonic influence, and worse.

That’s the problem.

Like Crowley told Aziraphale ages ago, humans come up with much more diabolical ways to bring each other down than he ever could so he’d often let them have at it. Is it his fault that Hell commends him for things that were never his doing? The First Barbary War, the Second Barbary War, Fulani Jihad in Nigeria – he got the credit but he was asleep when all of that went down.

Best century of sleep he’s ever had really.

Hastur doesn’t have anything close to Crowley’s reputation (or dumb luck), but that’s because they spend a great deal of their time below. But they crave the recognition. And this haven of sin has managed to reap some pretty remarkable souls for their Master – everyone from celebrities to clergy.

Crowley can’t stomach it. He would rather be creative with regards to his tempting than to simply put a gun in someone’s hand and aim it for them. This masterpiece of Hastur’s is on a level of Evil that Crowley, even as a demon, doesn’t subscribe to. He feels that Hastur has gone a bit too far, but seeing as it has tipped the scales in Hell’s favor, Beelzebub chooses to routinely overlook some of the finer points of the demon’s plan.

But it’s a slave trade, pure and simple.

Crowley has seen slave trades - centuries of humans caging fellow humans and using them against their will as labor, guinea pigs, or for sex.

That’s what this is. A sex slave trade.

And some of the slaves that Crowley has seen being held here are children.

It turns his stomach to the point of wringing dry but he’s not in a position to say anything. Demons by the hundreds work down here, lurking in the shrouded corners, overseeing the day to day in order to raise their own numbers. Crowley can’t possibly fight all of them single-handed.

If he can sneak Aziraphale down here to bless them, maybe this can get sorted out without anyone knowing he was involved.

“So what do you think, Crowley?” Ligur asks, closing in on the end of his unsolicited tour. Hastur had summoned Crowley down there – to gloat, more than likely. But they’re nowhere to be seen, so Ligur has been playing guide. “Impressive, wouldn’t you say?”

“That’s one word for it,” Crowley grumbles, ambling along the yards of musty hallways, peeking over the frames of his glasses into room after room. They all look the same – a table, a lamp, and a single bed with some poor, hypnotized bastard chained to it. Crowley gets no joy out of this, unlike Ligur, beaming villainously, particularly when they pass a room housing a whimpering teenage boy and Crowley grinds his teeth together.

“Don’t be a sore loser just because you didn’t think of it … then again, you wouldn’t have, would you?”

“Probably not,” Crowley says, massaging his tense jaw. “The zoning laws alone must be a nightmare …”

“Always with the jokes, you.” Ligur grimaces in disgust, presuming disrespect by this clown for Hastur, an esteemed Duke of Hell. “That’s not what I mean and you know it. You have a soft spot for these mortals, don’t you?”

Crowley chuckles. It’s hollow, rather unconvincing, but he’s never actually cared what Hastur’s pet lizard ever thought of him, Duke or no. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I only care about one being on that miserable marble of a planet and that’s me. That’s all.”

Ligur snickers. “I bet. Speaking of, Hastur has arranged something special for you. Sort of a consolation prize, seeing as you won’t be the favorite around Hell anymore. Not when things here get off the ground.”

Crowley looks at the demon with his eyes popped, not a single clue what that could mean and not in the least eager to find out. “Oh, uh … I … no. That’s alright. I’ll abstain.”

“Are you sure? Because I think you’re going to want to see this.”

There’s a surreal sing-song quality to Ligur’s voice that leaves Crowley cold. Ligur is an old-school demon with no sense of humor that Crowley knows of. Even the sarcastic quips he’s come up with are uncharacteristic for him. His attitude over the past hour can best be described that way.

Uncharacteristic, but in a cocky way.

Confident.

Yes, that’s it.

He’s confident about something. Something he thinks can make Crowley change his tune.

That thought sends armies of sharpened steel nails crawling up Crowley’s spine.

“Fine,” Crowley says, grousing to cover up this new and very real concern. He suddenly feels he’s walking into a trap, and like an imbecile, he waltzed into it willingly. “I’ll take a look. Why not, right? While I’m down here. Before I go. Seeing as you lads went through the trouble ...”

Ligur leads Crowley further into the labyrinth of this bordello, hallways winding in on themselves, opening at the last, then leading to new ones. Farther and farther they walk - down, Crowley suspects when the air gets chiller and the torches around them flicker, each one after burning lower and lower, struggling to find air to breathe. With each step, the hallway gets darker, quieter, more removed from the hustle and bustle they left. Crowley stops seeing rooms before they ever reach the final hallway, no more poor souls trapped against their will. There is one room up ahead – a single doorway that this hallway was built to house.

That fact disturbs him on its own.

But it’s the light coming from the room that raises every alarm in Crowley’s body, every hair on his skin standing entirely on end.

A soft blue glow.

A familiar blue glow.

So familiar, in fact, that Crowley calls out before he’s even at the room.

“Aziraphale?”

Crowley runs for it, forgoing the cool, calm, and detached act he’d been plying until he could get himself out of here and go for help. He slides into the doorway, the slick soles of his snakeskin shoes finding no traction on the smooth stone floor. Crowley expects to see the same as the other rooms – a table, a lamp, and a bed. But there’s none of that here, and their absence makes the scene in front of him that more sinister.

In the center of the room he sees an angel on their knees, white wings extended outward in both directions, kept spread and aloft by chains dangling from the ceiling wrapped around the joints. The angel looks like Aziraphale, but in many ways not like Aziraphale. He looks ethereal but artificially so, as if his wings, hair, and skin have been miracled to appear whiter than they would normally whilst down here with Evil slowly seeping into his brain. He’s bound, arms behind his back tied from elbows to wrists in a complicated gauntlet made of steel rope, simmering with the subtle red cast of damnation so they can’t be miracled away by holy magic, the ends locked around his ankles, giving him no slack to stand. He’s been re-dressed from his usual attire into a loose-fitting drape of a garment, reminiscent of their robes from Eden, only this one has no sleeves and a neckline so baggy Crowley can see straight down to the angel’s chest and back. Aziraphale’s exposed skin seems to be marked, carved with symbols whose origins Crowley doesn’t know.

It’s not just the marks on Aziraphale’s skin that bother Crowley. There’s a hardness to his face. Instead of looking peaceful in this semi-sleep state, he looks charged, ready to fight.

Ready to kill.

Crowley glares at Ligur, his eyes behind dark lenses burning like a sulfuric flame. “What have you done to him?”

Ligur grins. Crowley doesn’t scare him. Who cares if he is one of Satan’s favorites? He’s a joke. A fool. Hastur tells them constantly. Vain and insipid Anthony J Crowley, who drives a human car, wears human clothes, drinks human alcohol, lives among them like a native.

And worst of all – who fell in love with an angel.

“Wat? We’ve done nuthin’ to him. Nuthin’ at all.”

“Then what the Hell are those marks!?”

“They’re demonic locks, meant to keep him down here. Hastur’s latest and greatest idea …”

“Hassstur …” Crowley hisses under his breath. “That ssson-of-a …”

There’s no reason for Hastur to devise such a plan against the angels. Demons don’t kidnap angels. That’s not in the nature of their battle against one another. Besides, Gabriel and Beelzebub are too egotistical to let their sides duke it out on their own and risk anyone rising victorious without the virtue of their leadership. So in their infinite wisdom, they decide when and where wars between angels and demons take place.

Another one’s due in about eleven years – an all or nothing, take no prisoners battle between good and evil – so such a weapon would be pointless.

Which means these locks were created to target Aziraphale and Aziraphale alone.

But this doesn’t end with Aziraphale. Crowley would be blind not to see it.

Capturing Aziraphale and bringing him below ground, binding him to this place and then parading him in front of Crowley …

… this was a plan by Hastur to get to Crowley as well.

Either to exact revenge or to figure out where his loyalties lie.

“Each demon put one on, that means each demon would need to unlock their own for the angel to leave, so don’t get any bright ideas. Unless …”

Crowley’s eyes don’t leave his angel’s face. Only a single raised brow signals that he’s still listening. “Unless …?”

Ligur shrugs as if the answer to Crowley’s question is ridiculously obvious. “If you corrupt him, you can save him.”

Crowley swallows hard.

Corrupt Aziraphale?

Make him fall?

Crowley can’t do that, not even to save him from this. Of course the horrific truth is he’ll have to if there is no other way. Would Aziraphale understand?

Would he forgive him?

“And how do you expect me to do that?”

“I don’t know. You’re an expert on corrupting humans. You spend all your time with them. I’m sure you can think of something.”

“Ligur!” Crowley growls at the demon’s back as they begin to saunter away.

“He’s already on his knees,” Ligur says, waving a dismissive hand. “That’s a good start from what I hear. Use your imagination.”

Ligur’s cruel, throaty laugh echoes as a door appears, just to slide closed behind them. It seals out the light, plunging Crowley and Aziraphale into total darkness. The only hint of illumination Crowley sees comes from the angel himself, but only just. Overwhelmed by the Evil around them, it’s fainter than Crowley has ever seen.

And growing even more so.

Which means he may be running out of time.

If that light goes out, Aziraphale won’t need Crowley to corrupt him.

The deed will be done.

The only difference is Aziraphale may turn on him after.

Crowley has often suspected (backed by things he’s seen and things he’s heard) that if Aziraphale were to fall, it would need to be at Crowley’s hand, or else he risks Aziraphale becoming his enemy. It’s the nature of demons to avoid one another when possible, be distrustful of each other constantly.

In his wickedest dreams, he’d hoped that if Aziraphale ever fell, it would be whilst the two of them made love, wrapped in each other’s arms.

Then they could be with each other forever.

If that is to be the way of it, Crowley refuses to let that happen here.

But will he have a choice?

Crowley drops to his knees. “Angel!?” He grabs Aziraphale’s upper arms and gives him a shake. “Can you hear me?”

“Mmm … Crowley?” Aziraphale replies, the voice sliding between his lips a mixture of the one Crowley knows and something tainted and coarse.

“Thank God,” Crowley breathes before he can catch himself. “Angel? I need you to open your eyes and look at me. Can you do that?”

Aziraphale hums in response. “I’ll … I’ll try.”

“Don’t try! Do it, Aziraphale!” Crowley’s head falls forward, his forehead finding Aziraphale’s and pressing gently against it. “Please, Aziraphale? Open your eyes. Do this for me. I need to make sure …” Crowley can’t finish, the words clogging his throat, wrenching his windpipe shut.

“All … all right.” Aziraphale clears his throat in between but it does nothing. Every word becomes rougher, the lyrical nature of his angelic voice eaten away. “I’ll … try.” His face scrunches as his eyelids pull, fighting to split and look upon his demon. Crowley hears him groan with the effort, this small task Herculean for some unknown reason.

Except there is one Crowley can think of, and it makes what’s left of his soul wither with the agony of defeat.

After several tense seconds of active praying on Crowley’s part, Aziraphale tips his head up, opens his eyes … and a single word escapes Crowley’s mouth. “No,” he says, shaking his head. “Please, God … no,” as Aziraphale comes to and blinks blood red eyes.

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 7: MJ blindly trusts Beck (even though she wouldn’t!)

Previous Part

Next Part

Master Post

This post will be the first of maaaaaaany where I’ll be unpacking the problems prevalent in the status quo presented to us in at the end of AMJ #1.

My intent is to thoroughly explore these problems in this and consequent posts before moving onto issue #2. By doing this I (and others so inclined) can try to bear them in mind as prevailing problems with every issue until such as a time as they are addressed.

In future posts like this (at least until we get to AMJ #2) I will try to dispense with the preamble and get right down to business.

But for now I should start by clearly defining what exactly the premise presented in AMJ #1 even is.

The premise as I see it is as follows:

Mary Jane, out of sympathy for him and interest in the project, is making a movie with Mysterio. A Mysterio who has disguised himself as a respected film director and hired former felons and current super villains as part of his crew. He and MJ maintain Beck’s secret from everyone (which includes Peter but we’ll get there in another post).

In this instalment I will be addressing why MJ’s trust of Beck and failure to verify his claims is nonsensical.

As touched on in our coverage of AMJ #1, Mary Jane believes Beck’s sob story and ultimately agrees to work with him in spite of his crimes and the presence of active villains. Williams writes her genuinely sympathetic and interested in the film project, buying what Beck is saying and lacking any suspicion beyond that.

The most we get is MJ (arguably) noticing Beck’s abuse of one his staff and presumably bearing it in mind for future dealings with him.

Now, MJ is great at reading people and is very aware she possesses that skill. Between her upbringing moving around the country, her profession in acting and modelling (which puts many people, in particular young women, in potentially vulnerable positions) and her experience dating and living with a superhero, it’s an essential skill and one she’s honed. You could call it her personal brand of spider-sense.

If MJ’s Spidey sense were registering honesty from someone then it’d be crucial in her decision to ultimately believe them and judge their threat level.

These pages though get muddy because Beck is mixing the truth and deception. Technically everything he is saying is  true so MJ would likely be picking that up. But he didn’t actually need   MJ to be in the movie so he was lying about that and more poignantly he is omitting the fact this movie plays into Kindred’s wider schemes.

Is MJ’s failure to register deception from Beck a mistake? Is Williams dropping the ball here?

Actually no.

Mary Jane is a good read of people, but she is absolutely not flawless in this regard. There have been times she’s misread Peter and indeed been fooled by other people. Five key examples come to mind and we’re going to be starting with the most debatable ones.

Firstly there was Jason Jerome a fellow actor who offered friendship and support when MJ began working on the soap opera Secret Hospital. Jason was a harassing creep intent upon seducing Mary Jane, regarding her marital status as challenge that’d make his ‘conquest’ all the sweeter. I go into much more detail about Jason’s encounters with MJ in this post.

I will concede that it can definitely be argued that MJ was out of character or emotionally vulnerable during the course of this subplot so it doesn’t necessarily prove anything. Nevertheless, in MJ’s canonical history she was fooled by a fellow (and more experienced) actor than herself.

Secondly there was Aunt May’s death in ASM #400. Aunt May was impersonated by a dying actress who’d been genetically altered to look like and register as her. For around a year everyone (including MJ) believed their beloved May to be dead once more proving how MJ’s ability to read people isn’t flawless. Again though there is a lot of stuff that can be contested with this example, the most significant being that as originally written the intent was that this was the actual Aunt May, not an imposter.

However even accepting the retcon one could argue that due to her pregnancy, May’s miraculous recovery from a coma and the general stress of the Clone Saga up until that point Mary Jane’s ‘Spidey sense’ was not going to be working properly. However, canonically this is once again an example of a fellow (and likely more experienced) actress deceiving MJ.

My other examples don’t have nearly as much leeway.

Perhaps the most significant is Jonathan Caesar, the Parkers’ landlord who was obsessed with ‘owning’ Mary Jane. You can imagine what that  would’ve entailed. He abducted MJ and held her prisoner for a little while. The thing is initially MJ found the guy charming and the idea he was a threat never crossed her mind.

Unlike the above two examples there weren’t any obvious extenuating circumstances that I can recall to excuse MJ’s faux pas. She was just genuinely fooled by him.

Then we have her friend Lorraine whom you might recall from part 4 of this essay series. As mentioned there, Lorraine was an old friend of MJ’s who’d developed a cocaine problem. MJ sought to help her and Lorraine seemed willing to be helped. But when MJ left her alone for a little while Lorraine almost immediately snuck out to find her next hit.

Models are not actresses strictly speaking. But to my limited knowledge their profession must involve some degree of adopting a false persona. Even if we were to say otherwise, Lorraine was clearly capable of duping Mary Jane.

Finally, for an extended period of time the Chameleon fooled MJ and most everyone else when he impersonated J. Jonah Jameson in Web #52.

Like Beck, Chameleon made a whole career out of fooling people and Beck could be argued to be even better at it than Chammy.

So the idea that someone could fool MJ is definitely possible in a lot of stories.

But we shouldn’t take MJ’s trust as a sign that she is in the right. It’s so often tempting to side with the protagonist’s POV precisely because they are the protagonist. If MJ trusts Mysterio she must feel he isn’t dangerous and isn’t that bad really right?

But the possibility that she can be wrong is on the table based upon her history and (whilst I personally doubt Williams intended it this way) that is what is happening here big time.

Now I am not suggesting that MJ should second-guess every read of people she makes nor that the above examples should be sore spots in her mind. But collectively they would enshrine to Mary Jane herself that she shouldn’t just presume her immediate reads of people are accurate, and that would go even more so for professional actors.

In this issue MJ hasn’t got any extenuating circumstances to compromise her judgement. She isn’t in the midst of an emotionally turbulent time in her life. She isn’t being blinded my friendship, loneliness or familial love. She also hasn’t had much time to observe or get to know Beck up close and personal, this exchange being the longest amount of time they’ve ever spoken to one another.

But as I spent far too much time pointing out in parts 3-5, MJ is very aware of Mysterio’s skills, his typical tactics and the horrible things he has done. She knows he is a career criminal and a dangerous/nasty one at that. And she knows that he is an incredibly accomplished and experienced manipulator/deceiver/actor, almost definitely more experienced than her self. And this is to say nothing of the times he’s personally hurt her or the people she cares about.

Realistically upon learning of Beck’s involvement she should somehow start to work against  him and most definitely not trust him!

Even exempting the personal pain he’s been complicit in visiting upon Mary Jane and/or her loved ones, she knows enough about him to be suspicious.

In knowing his skillset and M.O. Mary Jane should either not trust him at all or at the very least not simply not take everything he says at face value. She would  be savvy enough to recognize whatever her ‘radar’ is reading. At best the odds are 50/50 that her radar is off. And those odds exist precisely because making you believe things that aren’t real is the entire conceit of Beck’s alter ego.

But wait, there’s more!

Beck basically admitted to:

Stealing a man’s identity

Wasting over a year of his life working on a project that doesn’t actually exist (in a location notorious for unaccounted for landmines btw)

Using that to con people into giving him their money

Using that money to make a movie which means he’s gambling with their money without their consent and potentially gambling with the public image of the film studio, the crew and the man he’s impersonating if the film gets a bad reception or financially flops

He’s doing all this off the back of what an extremely risky movie to make in the first place. Imagine if an empathetic and unapologetic movie about the life of George Zimmerman came out?

Said movie is a vanity project explicitly about himself

He’s using current super villains on the crew. If you are a current super villain then by definition you are not out on parole, you aren’t reformed and you are still wanted by the law.

And Mary Jane…goes along with this. Lampshading the fact that it’s insane for her to do that doesn’t excuse the extreme mischaracterization of doing that in the first place.

At the very least she should run a check online or with her various contacts in the super hero community to see if he’s actually  dying. Remember from MJ’s POV Beck has full on faked his own death at least twice.  She has no hard evidence for this whatsoever beyond the word of a man who is notoriously duplicitous.

Now to play Devil’s advocate we could argue that MJ believes Beck is out of jail legally. He might’ve served his time, been let out early for good behaviour or precisely because he is dying.  Or perhaps he had legal help that weaselled him out of being locked up.

However this angle of interpretation just doesn’t hold up to scrutiny.

For starters given his very long history of very serious crimes (even excluding the ones MJ is unaware of) it’d be common sense to presume that Beck would be serving time barring extenuating circumstances. Common sense would then lead anybody to try and confirm if any extenuating circumstances exist. This could prove impossible because how accessible records on costumed criminals are to the public is unclear. But anyone with a phone or internet access could at least try.

MJ has far more than mere common sense and she’s got far more than a phone and internet access. And yet there isn’t even a hint that she makes even a lazy attempt at confirming Beck’s story.

Now let’s pretend MJ forgot every single encounter with Mysterio she knows about before Nick Spencer’s run. No faking Aunt May’s death. No helping Doc Ock in ‘Ends of the Earth’. Nothing from ‘Guardian Devil’. None of the stuff we covered in parts 3-5.

Mary Jane would still realistically be fully aware Beck committed a HUGE crime mere months ago that involved the Avengers (plus other heroes) that was also the inciting incident that reconciled her with the love of her life.

This alone  should be enough for her to not so quickly or blindly trust Beck! Even if she was unaware of the legal fallout of that event it was still an event that endangered lots of innocent people and heroes. Chiefly it endangered the love of her life! MJ trusts the guy whose actions nearly killed the man she loves most in the world!

Speaking of Peter by the way, he’s a super hero who’s regularly tangled with this guy.*

She has also worked for, is an acquaintance of or personal friends with:

Tony Stark/Iron Man

Riri Williams/Ironheart

The main roster of the Fantastic Four

Several big name members of the Avengers (including Captain America and Jessica Drew)

The Avengers faithful butler Jarvis

Members of a support group comprised of the loved ones of super heroes (see ASM v5 #8-10)

Carlie Cooper, a forensics scientist who has worked for the police

She has also encountered shape shifters, impersonators, clones and body swaps in the last 10 years of her life, so a certain degree of safety precautions would be requisite for her.

Collectively this means MJ would not simply presume Beck is walking free legally and more importantly could and would  check up on that. It wouldn’t be hard. She wouldn’t even have to tell Peter if for some reason she was worried about him knowing; we’ll dive a lot more into this in a much later instalment.

Her research would then naturally turn up the fact that Beck clearly escaped from prison. Even if the details of Beck’s trial or consequent legal proceedings (like being paroled or cutting a deal) weren’t public knowledge Mary Jane’s contacts would be able to inform her of what would’ve happened. Thus she’d know  Beck was legally declared insane and sent to Ravencroft but not legally released. 

Similarly even if the details of Mysterio’s ‘death’ in Ravencroft weren’t publically known MJ would have the means of learning that and thus confirm that Beck had faked his death once again; (see ASM v5 #24-25). This would then open up the possibility to MJ that the body the authorities have belongs to someone else. 

From MJ’s point of view, at best that’s macabre and unethical. At worst it could mean Beck caused someone’s death. MJ is clearly aware that Mysterio might be capable of such a thing because she is almost immediately concerned Beck has done something bad to the real Cage McKnight!

Now I’m not saying MJ is going along with Beck even knowing he probably killed his psychiatrist. But what I am saying is that it’s utterly out of character for MJ (or pretty much any character) to not check this stuff!

Maybe  Williams will address all this, but reading AMJ #1 it seems far more likely she’s not bothered to consider the implications of the direction she has taken. Or worse, she has but is ignoring them because she wants to tell the story she wants no matter what.

The point is moot though because MJ wouldn’t give Beck the benefit of the doubt in the first place.

There is more to be said regarding MJ’s trust issues in the story, but I think I’ll save that for next time.

*And typically won through a highly unique danger sense that MJ lacks, a sense that mitigates Beck’s abilities.

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[tespuco]

PotC Liveblog: Dead Man’s Chest

I’d been looking forward to rewatching DMC for some time. It was the movie that canonized my OTP and inspired so many amazing Sparrabeth fics. I fondly recalled seeing it in theaters with my family, my eyes and shipper heart growing bigger and wider with every subtext-laden appearance of Jack’s compass. I remembered feeling personally betrayed by Elizabeth’s death-kiss, like the writers had deliberately buoyed my hopes only to ruthlessly crush them. Unlike CotBP, I had only seen DMC once before, and I couldn’t wait to appreciate the complicated Jack/Elizabeth dynamic with more mature eyes.

Boy, was I disappointed. Not by the Sparrabeth, thank the gods, but by literally everything else.

Is it just me or was this movie composed of a bunch of standalone scenes and set pieces strung together? Did they bring in Tim Burton just to direct the visuals of the interrupted wedding scene? Why does the Turkish prison sequence look like the opening cutscene to a high fantasy RPG videogame with the brightness setting turned down to zero?

OK I laughed at Jack popping out of the coffin and using a femur as a paddle, but I’m confused about everything else

Oh look, the crew’s on the verge of mutiny again, and this time it is Jack’s fault

Listen, I have Ted Elliott’s compass meta tattooed on my heart, but in retrospect the “Why is all the rum gone?” scene was probably too subtle. The audience doesn’t even know at this point how the compass is supposed to work. Maybe if they had the balls to actually include the deleted Sparrabeth scenes in CotBP, Jack’s emotional turmoil wouldn’t have seemed so opaque!

Still, a character being Vexed about their affections/feelings and doing a poor job of managing that vexation is my idea of high romance

(and both Jack and Elizabeth are quite vexed with each other indeed)

I CANNOT believe I had to sit through an uninterrupted half hour of racist filler that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot while ticking at least four boxes on my postcolonial bingo card what the fucking fuck

Let’s tally the cinematic sins: unfunny physical comedy in a style that would’ve been more suited to animation; indigenous cannibals speaking in unrealistic, buffoonish gibberish; said cannibals worshiping our hero (and later a dog) as a deity; and worst of all--

All the brown men that Gibbs hired as extras additional crew for the Black Pearl in DMC were put into a separate cage from the recurring white characters from CotBP (btw Anamaria is absent without even a throwaway line of explanation) because apparently even barbaric islanders know and practice segregation

And so segregated, the crew enters the stupidest, most contrived rat race up a cliffside with each other that ends with the brown people’s cage falling into the ravine THEREBY GETTING RID OF ALL THE CHARACTERS OF COLOR IN ONE FELL SWOOP

Also egregious racism aside, I’m put off by the film’s rather cavalier attitude towards gratuitous loss of life? Idk I feel like in the midst of all the action and adventure CotBP knew how to handle death and violence with the appropriate modicum of gravity and horror

Meanwhile on the island Gibbs is just like “oiya we’re standing in cages built from the bones of our former shipmates ha ha”

As for Jack - Jack has yet to save a cat or anything else besides his own skin, so he’s rapidly losing the goodwill he accumulated in the first film

holy shit yet another Elizabeth Swann-related realization about my sexual awakening: her look as a cross-dressing stowaway - pretty, delicate features in a boyish, flat-chested, slender form - is literally my sexuality 

She’s literally pulling the strings of all the men on that ship! What a puppet-master queen

Tia Dalma’s interest in Will and the “touch of destiny” line is an interesting bit of foreshadowing that doesn’t get any payoff in this film. DMC and AWE have been criticized for being impossible to watch as standalone films, but I think there’s something to be said for a universe that strives for internal continuity and demands more than a casual investment in its proceedings (a related but distinct model from the MCU)

If you gave me half a reason to I would ship Jack Sparrow with anybody and everybody. Look at the flirtatious lines and looks he exchanges with Tia Dalma!! Give me that story! (Actually, artaxastra did, twice: once in her standalone Creole!Jack origin story, And All of Them True, and once again in Gods and Heroes, a Jack/Calypso interlude in her Outlaws and Inlaws ‘verse)

Tia Dalma’s acceptance (and release) of Jack’s payment for her services tells me two things about her that I really like: (1) she’s like a magpie that collects interesting miscellany (witty tricksters, cunning pirate lords, undead monkeys). and (2) she’s not interested in caging creatures (the foreshadowing!!)

FINALLY WE GET SOME JACK/ELIZABETH INTERACTION

God bless Keira’s face and acting choices!! The chemistry!! All the little smiles and smirks they share!!

How doth she look at thee? Let me count all the ways: her amused, tentatively credulous smile at Jack’s storytelling and posturing over a magical compass and chest, while Norrington scoffs disbelievingly in the background; her having to bite her lips and walk away before Jack notices her giddiness because she literally cannot handle their flirting; her little laugh as he gently rebuffs the idea that he’s a good man

Also “I have faith in you. Both of you,” were her parting words to Will and here she gets a chance to tell Jack in person yay

Their little dance of “persuasion” is hot and all (Jack literally looks like he has to bite back a groan and whimper), but I’m really here for the banter (“Friendly?” / “Decidedly not.”); they get each other, and, under the right conditions, can communicate so effortlessly

“Why doesn’t your compass work?” - alright so ofc I love the legendary “curiosity” exchange, but I’m so confused by the abrupt transition in their conversation here? Like why didn’t she follow through and tug on that line of inquiry?? The “Because you and I are alike” line that follows makes no logical sense in context (ETA: I guess it could suggest that Elizabeth already knows why the compass doesn't work for him, because he's torn between doing the right thing and the selfish thing... But at this point she doesn't suspect him of lying to her, so...idek)

“You’d never put me in a position that would compromise my honor” - my god what a TEASE my queer heart

Oh, Norrington, what’s happened to you?? What happened to serving others, not just himself?? :(( It kinda confuses me that he goes on about the “dark side of ambition” and the “promise of redemption” when he’s the one who voluntarily resigned from his post...

Norrington carrying both shovels while Jack just poses prettily though lol

JACK’S COMPASS FINALLY WORKS FOR HIM BECAUSE THE TWO THINGS HE WANTS MOST IN THE WORLD--THE CHEST AND ELIZABETH--ARE IN THE SAME PLACE AND HE KNOWS IT

idk I guess some people find the three-way swordfighting scene hilarious but I’m with Elizabeth on this one: men are stupid 

ugh this script makes no sense

I’m so fucking confused by the narrative logic here: if Jones is dead, there’s no one to call off the Kraken?? But isn’t Jones the one calling the Kraken in the first place, to settle Jack’s debt? So if they killed Jones, wouldn’t the debt be null and void? NO JONES, NO KRAKEN, DUUUH.

OK but Jack is really unlikable in this film, last-minute “heroic” acts notwithstanding. Give me fix-it fics please

I mean it’s rather telling that by the time Jack returns to the Pearl there are only enough survivors to fill a single longboat. Oh yes he “saved them all” - the few that were left!!

This script has more holes in it than the Pearl does right now: everyone unquestioningly follows Will’s orders like he’s the captain (what happened to the dork who shouted, “Aye! Avast!”?? And there’s no evidence that since his engagement post-CotBP he’s practiced any sailing)

I mean it’s like no one but Elizabeth even noticed Jack was gone; the moment he comes back Gibbs chirps, “Captain, orders?” as if he never left. This coward just abandoned you all!!!

“It’s only a ship, mate.” - This is actually just the saddest line, and I’m glad Elizabeth was there to witness it because if there’s one thing she took away from their fireside conversation in CotBP it’s that the Black Pearl is more than a ship to Jack; what it really is is freedom, and here Jack’s set to lose both

And that’s what Elizabeth--not the Kraken--definitively takes from Jack: his freedom. Not just his ability to run away from his fate, but also the chance to take a stand and face it. (I like to think that, more than the murderous act itself, is what he finds so hard to forgive post-DMC. The darker Jack in salr323′s oneshot, Perfidy, written post-AWE, articulates this eloquently: “You know nothing of my debt, love, nor of my payment. But had you allowed me a nobler death, my account might have been lighter.”) His last act of defiance entails reclaiming what choice he has left: slipping slickly out of his shackles, hat on, “hello beastie,” into the monster’s maw.

Ugh they could have given Jack’s whole arc with Davy Jones such PATHOS instead of waiting until the very end--he struck a deal with the devil in all his youth and despair and hubris; now the bell is tolling and he realizes 13 years is nothing, no time at all, and he’s not ready to die; not today, not ever--yes it’s selfish and dishonorable (Will’s willing to square the debt of a father he hardly ever knew; he wouldn’t have blinked at paying his own) but how human is that? to fight and run even as the flames lick your heels? 

omg Jack is the jackrabbit

The irony of that eulogy still gives me feelings tho: “Guess that honest streak finally won out.” Elizabeth wrested away Jack’s control over his own story, so now she has to write it for him. When she toasts, “He was a good man,” it’s in both unearned homage and recompense. 

“And the world is a little less bright.” - OK but that’s too much. Moving words from Gibbs, but here it’s like he’s speaking directly to/for the audience, and not in a good way. It’s too obviously meta, and especially out of place in a film where Jack did not shine very bright at all

In-universe, it’s not very believable that two pirates like Pintel and Ragetti--who mutinied against Jack before, without a hint of remorse!--would now risk their lives to save him

Honestly if Disney wanted to include familiar faces/fan favorites in the supporting cast for AWE, they could’ve easily written a more realistic line like, “what the hell do we have to lose?” or some more selfish motive, none of these panegyrics

btw who are the native people standing in the swampwater? holding candles with mournful tears in their eyes?? no seriously who are they??? (I dearly hope such a striking tableau was meant to hint at Jack’s history with Tia Dalma and the residents of this bayou, but the more cynical part of me thinks: “Now hiring: extras of color, to play the part of human candlesticks lit in exaltation of an ambiguously white man” The writers get no benefit of the doubt from me after forcing me to sit through that cannibal island act)

It sounds sadistic of me but seeing how anguished Elizabeth is after claiming she’s not sorry gives me life

She keeps crying, and can’t even bring herself to drink Tia Dalma’s concoction against cold and sorrow! She just fakes a sip, which is such a great little character beat, because it shows she doesn’t think she deserves the remedy! She’ll just have to live with it...

That is, until Will decides he can’t stand the sight of her grief, and opens up Pandora’s box for her despite just catching her passionately kissing another man: “If there was anything to be done to bring him back, Elizabeth...” He really is too good for this world

And Elizabeth MUST know there’s a price, that she’d be staking not just her own life and happiness but her betrothed’s, and yet selfishly, always selfish, she says, “Yes” 

BARBOSSA!!! Still the most epic character reveal ever. I still remember the theater bursting into gasps and applause, good times

[amisbro]

Vent time

Alright so I kind of went off about this on twitter but I’m going to do it here too because...I spent my supply of craps to give and to be honest I just need to get this out in the open because we might have people that don’t know some fun facts about ME in the UtaPri fandom Shall we? First off I started in the UtaPri fandom back in January of 2014 so for those of us that need to know that is right smack bang between S2 and 3.  It was around this time that I had done my research (and by that I mean “Read Wikipedia”) to kind of get some ideas on the characters.  Of the ones that might have stuck out it was members of QUARTET NIGHT and specifically Ai Mikaze that grabbed my interest at first.  BTW yes I am bolding relevant parts of this story because I feel some of us FORGET these things to spin narratives and I’m not about that so let’s continue. So during 2014 I watched S1 first from the DVD I bought off of Amazon and then Season 2 I watched on Crunchyroll.  One thing I remember is that before I watched that (using the old school “fan mail” system that @staff needs to give us back) I had been talking with someone about one of the members of QN and that was THIS GUY

(By the end of this post I might level of Boss Man) ANYWAYS I had been warned (Because I said Ren at the time was my least fave for being “playboyish”) that Myu would be worse...well for some jacked up reason He turned into my favorite character in QN (or at least 1a with Ai).  He still remained a favorite even after S3 and the reason...I can’t explain...it was one of those weird things that there was something about HIM that I liked but recently its been figured out that characters whom are “royals” or “meganes” (Hi @kaiser-author-san-iii) are faves of mine and Myu can fit into both categories Now...we need to get to the point of this cos I go around the block so many times its not funny During Season 2 we met “A Trio of Amateurs” whom are later called HEAVENS and I was like many people and wanted to see them get thrashed and they DID lose and we know their history.  I had watched that season (and season 1) twice because one was for this blog and the other was more for YT when I did Anime Reviews on there (And I might get back into that soon...stay tuned) and I remember that the first time I was happy that HEAVENS lost and the second time I think I was still “kind of” happy but I wished for somewhat of a different outcome...sadly there are no different endings in this Anime! Season 3 gets interesting because it was a season basically that was going to feature “MY BOYS” (Sorry Reiji K.) in QN so I could get a primer on them.  Now at some point (I forget when so don’t ask that) either during this season or after) I had seen post that had ALL OF THE ROUTES FOR ALL OF THE CHARACTERS...I read ONE OF THEM!  I wanna say it was...All-Star and Ai specifically but if you ask me to remember ANYTHING about it I don’t...memory is gone about it. The thing is as we know this was the season that people on here THOUGHT would be the end of UtaPri (despite in Episode 2 of said season one of the STARISH boys mentioned HEAVENS) so there was that.  This became a thing also when during an ask someone got someone mentioned there had been a visual for a 4th season.  Now this was confirmed somehow BEFORE THIS because someone on the wikipedia page stated that Seasons 3 and 4 would be in 2015 and 2016!  If you go look on my blog there is a post from 2014 I did where apparently someone mentioned this so...that was a thing! Season 3 ends with them getting ready to announce the winner of the Triple S election between STARISH and QUARTET NIGHT when who shows up?  HEAVENS AS A 7 MEMBER GROUP! Now here is where things get interesting for me in the fandom At this point I am not a BIG FAN of HEAVENS like I am now but I was definitely curious.  In my head I knew they couldn’t just have them show up for one episode and then be done...that didn’t make sense from a story perspective because even if they are “Antags” them losing in the first episode and then leaving doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense!  Maybe in SOMEONE ELSE’S weird “STARISH/QN-centered fanfic” but for the purposes of THIS STORY...nah fam! (BTW I say that and you can argue this whole series was going to be some weird STARISH fan fic with acid trips galore so...eh!) Now here is where the turbulence with me and the fandom really comes in For the course of Season 4 (when we realized it was STARISH/HEAVENS) there was a part of me that wanted to play neutral but there was a BIGGER part of me that wanted to root for HEAVENS and part of that is because all my life I had been an underdog...I’m 37 years old and have had so many health issues its not funny so I root for the underdogs that might have no prayer but I root for them because I WANT them to be happy and to see them get their happy ending.  Its boring rooting for the favorites you know? So during the season I would watch the episodes through a website that livestreamed Tokyo MX and I think I only missed two episodes on there...the first one and I forget the other one but I know there was one I had to watch subbed which I HATED!  The reason is because for me its better to try and learn a language through hearing it and not reading subtitles...why do you think I now own a copy of the KnB movie unsubbed! With the way Season 4 was going to me there were two possible endings 1.  STARISH wins (which they did) 2.  HEAVENS wins and something ELSE happens Lemme explain that bit So during the season it was the “Duet Project” and it was the first one that Raging was basically in charge of which was kind of cool because you go through three seasons of Shining and he grates on you something fierce.  Well during the season we learned that RAGING has a bit of a problem with putting his hands on people and that some of the members of HEAVENS aren’t exactly in the best of states mentally.  Poor Shion had a breakdown during “Visible ELF” (I capped that because I called it “Visible EVIL” when I saw it on Tokyo MX...OOPS) and then of course we found out that The Otori’s father is an abusive piece of crap that needed CPS on his backside!  Now that was a fun “3 weeks of hell” to relive because you see EVERYONE got mad at Eiichi for what happened to Otoya and I get it...I really do but what was angering me A LOT was that this was a very jacked up pattern where the rest of the fanbase was ignoring anything “bad” that happened to HEAVENS members just because they didn’t like them.  Okay factually if we took this to another series I couldn’t stand TRIGGER at the time (things are changing slowly) so when they lost or had bad things happened...yeah I was happy as a pig in slop.  The thing to remember though is that was me watching 1 season of i7 and now we have s2 coming at some point so HEY it might work out but the point is that is gonna take a little time...1 season with them vs. how long with HEAVENS?  Yeah you see how this goes right? When HEAVENS lost I was mad not so much because they lost (Okay I WAS mad that they lost but here is the reason) but because it felt like their story deserved a happy ending.  We learned that ,for HEAVENS, the time in Raging Entertainment was more like a prison than a workplace so I was hoping AT THE VERY LEAST to have an ending where HEAVENS lost the Triple S but at the same time he would lose HEAVENS because Shining heard about what happened with them at his hands and would reveal that he discussed with Eiichi that HEAVENS would leave that agency after the SSS and go work for him...and I STILL think it could happen but anyways So all of this happens and this is...3 years ago right If you want to call me a “HEAVENS fanboy” 3 years later fine and I’ll take it but here is the thing When you are a fan of a group now since...a little before Season 4 and you want to see them do well and the fandom as a whole be pissed off when HEAVENS don’t start getting the merch like STARISH or QN (even when you yourself are a QN fan) and that doesn’t happen with the excuse in 2019 that “We need more time” I’m sorry...that excuse doesn’t work with me!  You got HEAVEN SKY now and the Shuffle Dramas...get to listening and stop being a biased fanboy/girl of the main two and start pushing for HEAVENS a little more!  You will not make me change that statement either because here is the thing:  I know people have been bullied off of here or even had to change accounts on discord because of the acidity of the fandom at times. I will flat out tell you this too When I saw the trailer for the movie that dropped today that was cool (even if the HEAVENS entrance reminded me of “puppets on a string” more than “Angels”) but when I saw the visual my joy became ANGER because ,when they did it, they shoved HEAVENS all the way in the back but few people in the IN fandom got mad about that on twitter...now we know why because even though on twitter the HEAVENS rep is better than on here (by a lot too which is disgusting) there is still a very vast majority that are STARISH fans and I get it...I really do!  HEAVENS as a 7 person has only been around for 4 years and STARISH has been around longer but why in the holy hell don’t STARISH fans internationally start sticking up for HEAVENS fans and be also trying to understand why we love them?  I thought the UtaPri FANDOM was supposed to be a FAMILY but I swear talking to people sometimes I’d rather turn to my immediate left and talk to a wall because despite me explaining it once in a YT video I don’t think people get why I am so passionate about HEAVENS getting the support of the fandom.  I’m sorry for loving a group that it seems a lot of people just want to see go away but I’m NOT SORRY for running my mouth about this because let’s understand this I NEVER wanted to have arguments in the fandom but all I wanted people to do is FUCKING LISTEN!  GO LOOK AT THAT VISUAL AND TELL ME THAT HEAVENS DESERVES TO BE SHOVED IN THE BACK BECAUSE OF WHATEVER REASON YOU WANT TO GIVE! Anyways I’m done and good night

[koganphrancis]

Camless Episode 5

All The Writers Of This Show Are Shit

We had us a brand new writer this week and all we got was the same old same old: OOC, Retconing, and Repeats of Old Story Beats.

I’ll attempt a recap, but this episode really sucked the will out of me.

(gif credit: gallavichlovies)

I’m not going to do my usual character by character recap because frankly some really awful shit went down this week that I’m just going to refer to and not go into in depth.  Plus, so much of the episode was tedious repeats of shit the writer had JUST TRIED to say.  

We had both Debbie and Ian go knocking on the wrong doors for advice. We had two endless Lip scenes where all that was happening was he was running and riding a motorcycle.  Maybe next week he can paint a fence and we can all watch as the paint dries. Liam is sexually molested (off screen, but still) by another child who had been sexually molested. Carl and Frank both get slapped around in sexually-adjacent situations just as the show is once again trying to drive home what’s unacceptable for men to do to women-hey, Shameless, that goes for what’s unacceptable for women to do to men, women to do to other women, and men to do to other men as well.  They tried to make “going Fiona” a thing-twice.   There were at least four scenes where Frank tried to get an erection. There were endless retcons (more on those to come).  

My notes are all over the place and the show’s such a shit pile I can’t even begin to make a smooth narrative out of them, so here’s a list of my observations, saving the Ian shit for last.

Debbie had a running thread through a big part of the episode where she’s literally bored to the point of falling asleep listening to Alex-that is exactly how I feel about their relationship/the Debbie thinks she might be gay storyline.  Also, if anyone cares, Debs has completely dropped her equal rights/equal pay fight.  She doesn’t even seem to go to work anymore. Later, Debbie goes to visit the lesbians in Fiona’s building (rather than, I don’t know, talking to Vee about her experiences with Svetlana, since that seems maybe more in line with feelings Debbie is experiencing?) and the scene was clearly written in lieu of Shameless ever showing sex scenes anymore.  

The blond lesbian, Mel, exposes herself to Debbie in the doorway of her apartment (but sadly for the Netflix fans, her back is to the camera), without establishing if Debbie is not a minor, and then she kisses her in a sloppy slo-mo saliva string sharing close up.  Debbie is supposedly stunned stupid by this, but the whole “you like what you like and you don’t have to justify your sexual orientation to anyone” message falls flat.  Debbie has ALWAYS been starved for attention, and she misreads any attention she gets from anyone of any sex.  Since Matty she’s always equated someone trying to be interested in her as being interested in her sexually.  And that kiss wasn’t sexual at all-it too was a form of molestation-it wasn’t asked for or consented to.  This show is shit.  

Carl meets a young woman at a West Point mixer, the daughter of the scary military officer who is throwing the party.  Hello, we’ve done this already with Dom and her scary cop dad.  Yawn.  Carl films them not having sex after she passes out drunk so he can prove he didn’t molest/rape her, should it ever come in question.  At first the young woman is mad (and jumps on him and starts slapping him around, just like Katey Sagal will do in a scene with Frank), but then later she returns Carl’s phone and says she saw he didn’t film them having sex, but there is a recording on there of him having sex with someone else.  He says that’s Kassidi, his ex, but fails to let Kelly (the new chick) know she’s dead and he’s an accessory to her murder.  And how fucking creepy is it that Carl’s kept sex with his dead ex on his phone?  Is that something he’s still watching?  Does he get off to it?  This show is shit.

Kev and Vee get stuck with Frank in a few scenes, foreshadowing the boring seasons to come, should the show get renewed (why are they still sitting on announcing that, btw?).  There’s a subplot for Kev where he’s going to speak at a women’s rally in his new-found position of Vagina Safe consultant, but he wisely bows out when he hears the real hell women face on a regular basis.  Why this show is trying to be socially conscious this late in the game I’ll never know.  Especially since they’ll keep pulling their bullshit and defend it with “it’s Shameless!” like they’ve always done in the past.  This show is shit.

There’s the weekly Fiona/Bored disagreements-this time they’re about little things like music preferences and whether or not Fiona should care about her brother going to prison for up to two decades.  Bored winds up singing along to a song to Fiona at the end-it should’ve been Gus Pfender’s Fuck You, Fiona and they could’ve had a cute discussion about Gus being Fi’s ex-husband.  This show is shit.

Now Ian.  Sigh.  Nothing makes sense.  Everything’s either a lie or a retcon and we the audience still don’t know which.  At breakfast he’s telling the family his plea options, and when Liam questions temporary insanity, Ian rattles off, “Bipolar, off my meds.”  So is Ian saying that’s just the definition of the defense he could use, or is he saying “I was off my meds”????  WHY won’t the show give us any answers?  There were two significant scenes in Season 8 where he staunchly said he was taking his meds and that he (rightly) was entitled to feel emotions and be angry at times.  Are we supposed to think that right about then is when he stopped taking them and then Gay Jesus happened?  But if that was the case, why did he stop taking his meds, and now how long has he been off them-or did he start taking them again and now they’re working after being off them for all the GJ stuff PLUS when he was in jail for 9 months?  IF he was off his meds for any amount of time but especially a long amount of time (pretty sure an argument could be made he’d been off them since leaving Mickey/Monica dying/stalking boring Terror, blowing that old couple for money), why did his manic phase seem so different than when he was back from the army?  Can the show try to explain anything?  

Ian and Fiona and Geneva all go to the lawyer’s office-why?  There IS such a thing as client-attorney privilege and the lawyer, at least, would ask them to wait outside once the screaming began if not sooner.  But oh well.  Ian finally says, “Does anyone want to hear what my lawyer has to say?”  Me at home: YES!!!  Lawyer starts to talk, “I know this judge-he’s under...” Geneva starts yelling again and what gets lost in her bullshit is that later on, the judge is not a he?  

Outside Fi asks Ian, “Are all lesbians that dramatic?”  I asked last week, I’m asking again: Is Geneva a lesbian?  Is this just another retcon?  Her initial interactions with Ian seemed like she was crushing on him, that she wanted him, and there’s been nothing about her being a lesbian in canon.  I know it’s not important, but the lack of attention to detail on this show contributes mightily to its shittiness.

Suddenly Ian has a question, and he can think of only one place to get an answer (even though Liam was able to Google “what is cocktail attire?” and get an answer in seconds.  Ian should’ve asked him to look up his question as well).  

Ian goes to the Milkovich house and it’s so fucking OOC I don’t even want to think about it.  For whatever reason, Ian politely says, “Hi, Mr. Milkovich,” when Terry answers the door-why would he even bother?  Terry’s not big on manners, for one thing, and for another, the last time Ian saw Terry he was flipping him off as he was being carted back to prison.  Don’t think Terry’s going to be warmed over by a polite greeting.  Anyway, Ian asks him about being in the pen, and Terry says there’s ass and mouth rapings that Ian would probably enjoy, shitty food, and beat downs from the guards.  Ian asks if Terry was mouth raped (I think he specified that, I didn’t put it in my notes) and Terry indignantly says that Milkoviches don’t “bottom”.  Ian says, “Was Mickey adopted?” and I can’t tell if he was trying to piss Terry off or if he was genuinely curious, but as a joke it didn’t work-Ian knows (or the old Ian did, anyway) better than anyone that Mickey was absolutely nothing like Terry, in any way, not just in sexual preferences.  Another OOC comment to just make the viewer weep thinking about the old days.  Also, having Terry know, let alone USE, the term bottom was also OOC in the extreme.  He might as well have said, “All Milkoviches are cishet.”  It would’ve been just as believable.  

But back to the scene.  Ian says, “Rapings, food, guards-I can handle that shit.  I just need to know...” Terry interrupts him.  “Anyone can handle that shit.  (Again, me at home: Really?)  It’s the boredom that’ll kill ya...Start reading books, lifting weights...”  (Mickey already told him that about juvie AND prison-how dense is Ian that he never got it?)  “But you’re in the same place, with the same assholes, doing the same shit, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every god damn year.  If I was you I’d pack my shit and run.”  

Ian’s face while he’s running down all the segments of time seems to look like Terry’s getting through to him.  And Terry telling him to take off is actually the best advice Ian winds up getting-in the long run Terry seems to care about keeping Ian out of prison more than his own family.  Terry easily could’ve slammed the door in Ian’s face and ignored him.  Does that mean I forgive Terry at all for everything he did to Mickey, Mandy, and Ian-not to mention his other sons and Svetlana?  FUCK NO.  But how telling is it that this show is now so bad that a villainous piece of shit like Terry is the one character we are listening to and agreeing with?  

One last thing about Terry-he just got out, but he knows Mickey’s in Mexico?  How?  I’m hoping this is a set up for Ian being able to find Mickey next week (or at the end of the season if we have to wait that fucking long), but this show doesn’t do continuity anymore, so I’m sure there’s no logical explanation for Terry knowing that fact.  

Fi goes to the Gallagher house looking for Ian and finds an empty box of hair dye, and a towel stained with hair dye, and that Ian’s drawers are empty.  I also noticed that his pillow was gone-did he pack that up too?  If so, I’m hoping it’s because he and Mickey shared it and he wanted to keep some part of Mick with him always, but we know this show ain’t about that anymore.  Anyway, Fi goes and tells Lip she thinks Ian skipped bail and they have to go find him.  Lip says no, Ian’s an adult.  This conversation also just took place with Debbie-or takes place right after, the show was so boring I couldn’t keep the repeated scenes straight if you put a gun to my head.  

WHY are the siblings so uncaring about Ian going to prison-or getting caught as a fugitive and spending even more time there?  WHY is everyone so stupid about whether prison is “bad” or not, especially for their apple cheeked, puppy-eyed brother who is dealing with mental illness?  Who may or may not be off his meds at any given time?  Ian couldn’t even handle VISITING Mickey in prison, why does he suddenly think he could do a stretch of multiple years if not decades?  All those years stealing cable and watching bootleg DVDs, did none of the Gallaghers ever watch Oz?  In a prior season it was established that Lip has read so much he was able to determine a Louis Vuitton purse was authentic by the stitching and the lettering-he’s never read about prisons and how they affect young men that are in them for a period of time?  “Hardened criminal” is a phrase he’s never come across?  Lip doesn’t realize how hard Ian’s future as a convicted felon will be when he gets out?  Trying to find a job (especially one with medical benefits), a place to live, all that stuff?  This show is shit.

There’s a meaningless shot of Ian at the train station (we don’t even get to know where he was planning to run to-as if we didn’t know-show us he’s at least headed south, you bastards!) and then there’s a scene where Lip comes home in the dark to find Ian at the kitchen table eating ice cream right out of the Edy’s carton.  (They don’t show us the flavor-it looked like it might be chocolate chip?  I didn’t see any chunks of cookie dough or anything.  Again, this is only important because everything else is so boring that actually knowing what kind of ice cream Ian likes would be interesting in comparison.)  

I guess the ice cream is sort of a metaphor?  Ian’s last sweet taste of freedom?  Or maybe I’m reading too much into it and they just came up with something for the brothers to share and it couldn’t be beer-because of Lip, not because of Ian’s meds because god knows they never cared about that, plus we STILL don’t know if he’s just magically back on them-if he is, how is he paying for them?  Anyway, after Lip’s earlier attitude about Ian being an “adult” and not caring all that much about him ever, he doesn’t deserve ice cream!  Here’s a snippet of their dialogue: 

Lip: So you didn’t run. Ian: Oh no-I ran.  I just...ran back.  (well, at least that’s in character since he ran away to the army and came back, and ran away with Monica and came back, and the fucking Mexican border, but I’m not happy about that fact)

They start listing the things Ian will miss if he’s gone for the next ten years.  Debbie may be married to a woman (I would think her being divorced is more likely, but whatever, I won’t be around to watch it either, I’m gone as soon as Ian’s back with Mickey), Carl will be a war criminal, Liam will be the father of a ten year old, Frank, dead.  Ian asks Lip, “You?”  “Still in AA, if I haven’t drunk myself to death.”  Ian says, “Do me a favor?  Don’t.”  IAN CARES MORE ABOUT LIP THAN LIP CARES ABOUT IAN.  Always has, always will.  “Lip deserves to get out of the ghetto.”  But Lip’s fine with Ian going off to prison because of the whole Gay Jesus thing that he never even began to try to understand or help Ian find a way out of.  This show is shit.

Next there’s a scene of Ian in a suit, dressed for court and talking to his Bible that’s on his bed (still no pillow-weird).  He’s asking Shim to talk to him one last time, maybe give him a hint what he should do.  His voice is soft and pleading and he’s almost in tears and all I can think is he needs Mickey to talk things out with.  Lip comes to the door and says something like they’re all downstairs, it’s time or whatever.  Ian gives the Bible one last look and seems to do a little wink-did he hear something from Shim?  Would it kill this show to let us in on some things?  This show is shit.

His plea hearing was so factually inaccurate it hurt.  His lawyer doesn’t say anything, and when asked what he pleads Ian launches into his entire defense.  And the judge lets him.  OMGJ.  

Again I’m pretty sure I’m witnessing a retcon when Ian says “A young man was being forced against his will into a van to be taken to a conversion camp.”  Um, as I recall (and I won’t rewatch the episodes to get all the exact details, they were too stupid), a young runaway came to the Church of Gay Jesus and claimed his parents were trying to make him get conversion therapy and they were giving him drugs so he couldn’t get erections because they didn’t like the fact that he was gay, but when Ian talked to the dad he said the kid ran away on his own because he suffered from mental illness, was off his meds, and was living on the street and prostituting himself.  As I recall the dad/parents didn’t say anything about conversion, they just wanted him home.  Maybe the dad sought help from the guys in the van because there was no other way to get the kid home-none of this has been established for the court, if nothing else!  This show is shit.

Ian gives a speech in a voice like wimpy Jeremiah trying to convince everyone Jerome was the bad one and it was just lame.  He claims his family loved him unconditionally-since when?  They only gave him crap about being with Mickey, or ignored him.  And then when he became “like Monica” there were definitely conditions on loving him-mainly that he be on his meds.  Right up to this episode they were all going around saying it’s time to let him go-they didn’t love him enough to want to keep him at the house and try to help him!  

Anyway, he then states in open court he was off his meds and in a manic state when he torched the van.  Then he looks back at Fiona and starts to give a tiny smile right before the credits.  Was he lying to get a lighter sentence and he’s smiling because he got away with it?  Or does he look to her like that because he knows she’ll be proud of him for finally telling the truth even if it disappoints/ruins the GJ movement (that is so implausible as a concept it makes my head ache)?  

By next week the show will be in another writer’s hands and I’ll never get the answer to that question either, I bet.  IF this means the-fucking finally-end to the GJ storyline, I’ll have to be happy enough with that. 

In conclusion let me say that once again the only “great” thing about the episode was ZERO mention of Terror!  

But the rest of the show was shit. 

[kayasurin]

A long-time lurker of @suzie-guru, I’m tossing this Strange Magic story idea under the cut. I blame (and thank) Suzie because I might not have found the fandom through her stories, but they are what kept me in the fandom (and inspired me to get the DVD as well as get ideas of my own). 

Please find below 10 pages of notes for an idea I’m just calling the Accidental-Marriage-and-Pining AU. If someone decides they want to take it over, just give me a heads up. Otherwise, in my (non-existent) spare time I might take a swing at writing it myself.

·         Instead of kidnapping Dawn when the love potion gets stolen, Bog King declares war. Still crashes the elf party, but only to yell at people and tell the king that hey, war.

·         Roland is defeated & injured early on (shiny armour! No use! He looks very good in a parade but has never actually, y'know, fought before.) Not even by Bog, just some foot soldier goblin. Maybe Brutus with a backhand.

·         Dawn's still hit with a love potion BTW, and falls for a married elf who is devoted to his life-partner and, uh, it's flattering but he likes... guys. (Dawn literally cannot understand the idea right now, when normally she's as passionate about people being able to marry the ones they love as Marianne is passionate for denouncing love, period.) Dawn is kept in her room.

·         Sunny gets hold of the love potion and hands it over, along with his guilt - he is able to say it's Roland's idea, since Roland went from "respected" to "ridiculed". The triplets come forward and admit that they may have suggested Roland use a love potion on Marianne (who is very scary and they're very sorry). People remember that Roland's been talking off and on about war with the Dark Forest for a long time.

·         Bog is not about to stop the war now, even with the Fairies offering the potion back and they're really sorry - the Elders of the Forest would overthrow him in a heartbeat if he did.

·         Sunny is punished, but not as harshly as if he were the sole cause of the war. Basically confined to his rooms helping with the routine paperwork everyone else is too busy with the war to deal with. He might have nightmares about being unable to tell Requisition Form A-7 from Requisition Form A-8.

·         The Imp steals the love potion. It was well guarded but not well enough. Marianne hunts the Imp down (while everyone else is on the battlefield - her dad thought it'd be great for keeping her away from the fighting) but not before several fairies, elves, and a sparrow are dusted. Lizard/Lizzy still fixates on Sunny because he got dragged along with. (Everyone knows Marianne asking him what the hell he was thinking about a love potion and her little sister is more punishment than requisition forms.)

·         (Sunny is really, really sorry. But at least the lizard fixated on him. Guy who had a sparrow fall in love with  him got carried off. No one knows where he is. Everyone is varying degrees of worried)

·         (He's okay and shows up later after escaping when the love potion wore off. Maybe, haven't decided yet.)

·         The war, meanwhile, has lasted a month so far. The final battle happens.

·         Bog goes after Dagda, has to fight his way through the battlefield.

·         Marianne, who is not supposed to be there, gets between Bog and Dagda. She is a fresh fighter, compared to Bog who just spent a couple hours beating his way through elves and fairies and Dagda's guards. Also, Marianne is angry someone's threatening her dad. Also-also, there might be some high-pitched and painful-to-goblins screaming going on.

·         Marianne wins. Bog's hurt, very badly. (I'm sorry boo!) He's mistaken for dead for a little bit, actually.

·         Dagda, trying to signal to the goblins that their king is dead, please stop fighting and go have a civil war on your own side of the border, tries to pick up the Bog King's staff of office. He gets burned. It's wood (or... something?) but it just heated up like a sword fresh from the forge and not yet quenched. Marianne takes the staff, mostly because Dagda drops it, and is perfectly fine.

·         Battlefield turns into a different sort of chaos, of course. It's sorted out that Marianne is now Queen of the Dark Forest by right of personal combat with the Bog King - who, it turns out, is still alive. Marianne orders he be taken care of immediately (Maybe she can give this stupid staff thing back? Seriously, it's twice her height or something and really heavy and also she doesn't want to rule the Dark Forest! Heal up so she can give it back, now!)

·         Marianne, however, isn't going to be a bad ruler. She's got a bunch of terrified Goblins watching her and a bunch of scheming fairies too. She tells her dad to hand Roland over, since he was the real source of the conflict, but she'll be nice and accept him going to the Stone Reach * for investigation and trial.

·         *I envision the Stone Reach to be this rocky outcrop on the south border between the fields and the forest and, possibly a swamp or something. Not associated with anyone, considered perfectly neutral and called on in cases where the royals might have a conflict in sentencing, ect. Since three generations back they've also dealt with passing messages across the field/forest border, because Bog's grandfather refused to talk to Marianne's great-grandfather, and no one's changed the status-quo since. They do other things too for both sides, but the main one is being neutral.

·         They also run around fully cloaked, so no one can tell what species/race they are. Other than weird. The head of the group, AKA main investigator, I envision as something like Sam Vimes from Discworld, except covered head to toe so no one can actually see him. The right personality, though.

·         Back to the story though - the goblins had expected Marianne to just kill Bog on the battlefield, but weren't complaining when she wanted him healed instead. He's moved to the castle, sort of a prisoner and sort of "the prison cell is the only other place in the castle with beds long enough for this guy, and the Queen's taken over the Royal bedroom, and someone this injured cannot sleep on the floor."

·         Marianne also moves to the Dark Forest castle, immediately after telling the fairy council where they can stick their plans for the Dark Forest. (She's going to be a good queen and also hand this nonsense back to the Bog King once he's conscious. She can't hand the place back if the council gets their way.) The goblins are obedient, but not helpful. Griselda spends her entire time watching over Bog in the prison/sick room.

·         Griselda and Marianne encounter each other whenever Marianne's down there interrogating Sugarplum about the love potion. Dawn's still dusted after all, never mind everyone else. (Griselda: not impressed with this fairy who nearly killed her baby boy.)

·         Some of the goblins start actively plotting against Marianne. They're kinda bad at it because goblins go for "in your face" things like actual challenges, instead of backstabbing and what have you. Most of the plotting, therefore, is "who can we all agree to back and who has a chance of defeating our new Queen - shh she's coming" and not "let's poison her drink."

·         Seriously, goblins have standards for overthrowing their monarchs and solving political problems. Who'd be low enough to resort to poison or stabbing someone in the back when these sorts of things are important and should be seen by everyone! (Fairies. Fairies are low enough. Marianne is aware of the plotting but is expecting them to rebel the way fairies would - AKA knives in the dark or poison in the food. The lack of action in that direction is confusing her.)

·         The plotting goblins loosely fall into the following categories - those who want to back Bog in taking the throne back, those who want "new blood" on the throne (and if that blood happens to be related to them, so what?) and then there's a very small group of goblins who think Marianne's not the worst thing in the world, but only if she marries a goblin and has goblin babies.

·         Around this point (approx 1 month after Marianne takes over) Bog wakes up. It takes him a little while, but he regains his health pretty quickly once he's conscious and isn't being force-fed (or unconscious-fed) broth. He sees Marianne when she visits Sugarplum and gets full reports of everything going on thanks to Griselda, Stuff, and Thang (as the ones most able to visit him without being noticed and what have you). He's annoyed at the plotters manoeuvring and spends his time thinking of how he can possibly get his throne back without relying on those plotters who back him.

·         Seriously if he accepts help from any of the plotters he can say hello to a new life as a political puppet. As for anyone else ruling his forest, hah! He dealt with that fly-shit as a kid when someone stole his father's throne (from Griselda, Bog's regent, since Bog's dad kind of died when Bog was a newborn) and then Bog had to kick the imposter off the throne - and not doing that again, thanks.

·         Between his informants and reports about captured goblin soldiers, Bog figures out that any rebellion will likely be met with fairy soldiers setting the forest on fire. It's the main stumbling block to his plan of "kill or kick the fairy out and take the throne back" and he and Griselda spend a long time trying to figure out how to prevent the fire happening. At the very least they're expecting Marianne to turn the Forest into a servant-state of the Fields.

·         (The fairy council, despite her telling them what to do with their plans, expect the same. And are very annoyed that it hasn't happened yet. It's a temper tantrum, that's what it is. Sure.)

·         (There's tension between Marianne and Dagda for this reason, among others, especially since Dagda only "let" Marianne go to the forest to try and get a cure for the love potion.)

·         (Marianne is super unhappy at being in the forest, but as long as she doesn't go outside or look out a window she doesn't panic or anything, which is one way to avoid talking face-to-face with her dad.)

·         After a while (couple weeks) Bog's judged as healed as he can get just lying around and to start getting up and moving to build his strength back. He and Griselda have no answer to the probable "fairies with fire" thing, so Griselda instead begs Bog to capitulate to Marianne, swear allegiance so she doesn't kill him to strengthen her rule. (They've figured that's why she's having him healed up, so she can execute him in front of the Elders and properly strengthen her claim.) Griselda: "I've buried my husband. Please don't make me bury my son."

·         She doesn't fight fair. Bog, meanwhile, might not be king any more but the oaths he swore when taking the throne still count, okay. He still has a responsibility to protect and serve the goblins, and obviously a rebellion isn't the way to go (fairies with fire). If dying keeps them safe (or safer, anyways) he'll do it. He'd rather not, but he will.

·         Marianne finally gets the story of Bog using the love potion, and what the antidote actually is, from Sugarplum. Bog is unaware of this, by the way. He is aware that Marianne's yelling at Sugarplum ("What, real love is the only cure? Are people aware that you're peddling something fake? Seriously, all you're doing is making longer-lasting BEER GOGGLES you fraud!") but can't make out the words. Probably for the best.

·         Marianne contacts Dagda (those weekly messengers are finally good for something) with the cure - true love - and tells him Sunny can cure Dawn, now stop sending me constant messages telling me to come home, I'm BUSY ruling my new COUNTRY. Dagda obviously does what he's told re: Dawn and Sunny, and keeps sending Marianne messages asking her to come home, the forest is no place for a fairy, ect, ect. They'll set up a subsidiary of the council to take care of the day-to-day humdrum of ruling the forest. (HAH! No.)

·         Sugarplum is shipped off to Stone Reach. Her actions are going to be evaluated for treason. No, Marianne's not being petty and it's not revenge for the whole "Dawn got love potioned and Roland was going to use the potion on Marianne" thing. And absolutely nothing about feeling sympathy for a young, love-lorn Bog King who then got his heart broken because Sugarplum was selling lies. No sympathy for the stick-insect-man at all.

·         Bog requests an audience with Marianne during her next open court. Either his (horrible) plan will work, or it won't and he'll die. Either way, it'll be over with quick. And he's figuring on the "I'm going to die" side of things, because it's a terrible idea but no one can come up with anything better, and it will  hopefully keep the plotting idiots from doing something to bring fire-and-fairies to the forest.

·         Oh yeah, little tidbit that this story relies on - there's a second, smaller throne beside Marianne's. The goblins brought it in. When Marianne asked why it hadn't been there to start, they explain that Bog had it taken away, but she hasn't told them the policy about the second throne yet, ect. They do not explain who the second throne is for, figuring it's obvious. It is not. Marianne figures it's for - like in the fairy kingdom - the chief advisor/heir, depending on whether there's an heir or not. The goblins, meanwhile, know it's for the ruler's partner. Both sides think the other side "knows" what the second throne is for.

·         Bog shows up in court looking like he's just barely mobile, because he is. He's got some fresh new scars showing. First time for the majority of the goblins to see his wounds. People are either impressed he survived or disappointed he survived. First time Marianne really sees his wounds - or him - as well.

·         (This is a slow burn, people. They've finally met properly. That's not the end of it yet though.)

·         (Bog's worst wound is, I'm envisioning, a cut high up on the inside of his thigh, in the small area between hip and leg not covered by chitin. Yes, there. A few others include healed cuts on his face and hands, and a crack on his chest, which has healed but won't go away until the next shed or two.)

·         Bog explains to Marianne that the goblins don't want to accept her as Queen, that she will face challenges to her rule as long as he lives, even if he is not the one challenging her. (Simplification of all the nonsense the plotters are coming up with, of course.)

·         Marianne challenges Bog that he wouldn't be saying that if there wasn't another way, unless he wanted a public execution. (Outwardly calm, inwardly panicked. She hasn't killed anyone yet, not even on the battlefield. She really doesn't want to start by chopping someone's head off.)

·         Bog kneels and says he will swear to accept her as the rightful ruler and abide by her rules. He'll even live in the fields if she wants him out of the forest, ect. (Inwardly going "Oh hell no I do not want to live in that horrible place - but I will if I have to and that might help protect my people too, yes self you just volunteered to be a hostage but whatever.)

·         After some back and forth, Marianne accepts Bog's oath. The goblin Elders are annoyed because they didn't factor this possibility into their plans at all. Griselda is resigned but relieved that Marianne's not going to kill Bog. The common goblins are confused, but relieved, ect.

·         Marianne then announces she has made a decision about Bog. Bog is there expecting to be sent to the fields in exile, maybe with a few goblins. Instead, Marianne tells him to take the lesser throne. (The spouse seat. The Elders are freaking out. They REALLY weren't expecting THIS.)

·         Goblins, shocked. Bog, shocked. Marianne, confused and hiding it. She just wants to keep the former ruler as her chief advisor. (Why didn't she just take the chance and shove the throne back at him and flee as fast as she could?! She could've done it but nooooooo...)

·         The slow burn BEGINS, MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

·         Bog is moved into the previously closed spouse-bedroom attached to the royal chambers through the washroom. He's constantly sitting to Marianne's right during dinners and things. He is very confused and bemused and worried, because now he's Marianne's husband? That's literally all it takes for the ruler to decide yup, this is my life-partner, just an announcement and the life-partner sitting in the lesser throne. (Most do throw parties of some sort or other, but that's not required.)

·         Marianne does not help by having a discussion with Bog, immediatley after court, about what his duties will be, once he's healed. Advising her about goblin law and customs, primarily. Nothing "active" until he has a clean bill of health. (She's thinking sparring, maybe, or sending Bog out to be the royal face so she doesn't have to fly through the forest - no she's not getting better on her own. Bog's brain maybe shuts down a little, though, because married + active = error does not compute.)

·         They set up a routine: breakfast together, usually with a group, very informal. Mornings are spent separate, Bog going to the healer, his mother, dealing with the guards and messengers, ect. Marianne reviews proposed laws/drafting proposals herself, dealing with household complaints, ect. (Marianne asks Bog why the hell he let things get so bad the linens were taken by field mice. Bog is confused they ever HAD linens. There's a reason why Marianne's the one in charge of the household. Mostly because Bog's pants at it.)

·         They eat lunch together, then court if it's a court day. Or the library the rest of the time, for Marianne's "how to rule the Dark Forest" lessons. History, politics, who wants to kill who, how property rights are handled, inheritance law, ect.

·         Dinner together, and then Bog gives lessons in staff fighting. At the start he gets to sit down and correct Marianne's stances, then as he gets better he starts moving around and eventually they begin, very carefully, sparring.

·         Bog, during this part, transitions from hating Marianne with a passion (she beat him and stole his throne!) to respecting-but-disliking her (okay, she stole his throne, but she's not horrible, for a fairy) to respecting and liking her. It helps that she admits she didn't actually want to take his throne, he was going for her dad and she just reacted, and she's really sorry but she's determined to do a good job of it. (She may or may not have started to offer to give the throne back, but it won't work that way, because Bog lost and would need to win a serious fight to get it back. No-go right now, and depending on how that leg heals, maybe never.)

·         Marianne, meanwhile, is also transitioning during this part, from distrusting everything and everyone (she's a fairy and fairies are good with backstabbing) to trusting that she's accepted, for now, as the ruler. The plotters have stopped their plotting until they figure out how to handle everything that's happened. She relaxes, trusts Bog but is feeling guilty over stealing his throne, even though she didn't mean to. She also finds herself, by the time they're sparring, admiring Bog's fighting ability (and absolutely not his body. Just the fighting ability. Juuuuuust the fighting ability. Not his hands, or the way he can twirl a staff with just his fingers, or the way his shoulders flex, or that smirk or - just the fighting abilities. Yup. That's her story and she's sticking to it.)

·         By this point it's autumn and the harvest starts, so it's all hands on deck. Bog's delegated to the kitchen, because he can be trusted not to chop his own fingers off and he's still only allowed to be only so active. Marianne assists with winterizing the castle and the hidden outbuildings (archives, ect) because she might not know how to hunt and she can't tell the difference between a poisonous berry and a safe one, but by golly she can slap mud and moss over a crack in the wall like a champion.

·         Word from the Stone Reach arrives. After the (date to be determined - probably hunter's moon, or maybe harvest moon, before the first frost but only just), Roland and Sugarplum's trials will be held. Marianne can't avoid it, Bog has to go too, ect.

·         Marianne and Bog have had multiple personal conversations by this point, everything from brief, "this reminds me of" and in-depth, hours-long conversations. However Marianne stops sharing her personal history/views/values/experiences. They had stopped sparring because Super Busy for harvest, but they take it back up again. They still discuss laws and culture, but not as much. They're also still busy doing what they're allowed to do for harvest. (Marianne is too busy to get freaked out bringing stuff to people outside, and anyways everything's changing colours and she's not reminded of things that happened, so it's okay.)

·         Harvest festival with the goblins - Dawn and Sunny visit. Most goblins are unaware Sunny was the elf that stole the love potion, so they treat him decently, and Dawn's okay because she's their Queen's sister. Dawn asks Marianne to come back for the fairy's harvest festival. Marianne tries to get out of it (she really doesn't want to talk to Dagda in person by now, she's been avoiding him for most of the year now - Primroses stop blooming around May) by telling Bog if she goes, he goes. By the end of the night Marianne and a small group of goblins, including Bog, have been selected. She's not sure how that happened.

·         (Goblins, for the most part, wear jewellery and not clothes. For the most part they're all wildly different in shape anyways, but what one of them can wear as a necklace another can wear as a bracelet, ect. Tasteful bling happens.)

·         Bog warns Marianne that he only has his traditional outfit and there's no time to get anything made for his new status. She tells him to wear the traditional. (She's expecting, like, maybe a crown, maybe some armlets or something.)

·         Bog's outfit is a royal great kilt. (I put the Scottish-accented Bog in a great kilt, I'm so proud of myself.) Where fairies use magic on flower petals and leaves, goblins have weaving - which takes so much longer, since they spin cattail fluff and thistle-down or tufts of fur into yarn, and then have to do the weaving. Marianne's given a wrap with the same pattern as Bog's kilt and they started making it the moment she was officially Queen - so about the time she sat down on the throne for the first time.

·         (Telling Bog to wear the great kilt provided to the forest's king - not the prince, not the consort, but the full king - reinforces the "married" thing. She doesn't know that. Bog assumes he hasn't been asked to 'perform' his 'marital duties' because Marianne doesn't find him attractive, and he is totally 100% relieved about this and not even slightly regretful someone he considers a friend thinks he's too hideous to touch. Yup.)

·         (Marianne, meanwhile, is all but punching herself in the face because she's started humming, goddamn it, whenever she and Bog are alone or plausibly alone. She totally has feelings she refuses to examine, mostly because Bog's kind of like her employee now and he probably still hates her for the whole 'stealing the throne' thing.)

·         (Bog may or may not have the odd wish that Marianne would sing to him, because fairies sing to the people they lo - like. Right? Right. Yes. Friendship songs, toooootally friendship songs. They'd be nice.)

·         Then the fairy harvest festival. Marianne sees Bog in a kilt and nearly walks into a wall, because - clothing. She's seen him naked, technically, but hooooooh boy now that he's wearing clothes, of a sort, all the can think is getting him out of them and there may or may not be some (a lot) of blushing and mental beating herself up going on. (Marianne has read romance novels, of the sort that go into details a young and impressionable and curious thirteen year old was curious about.) (Bog, in contrast, is quite innocent, poor guy. Doesn't know what's going to hit him...)

·         The entire festival basically goes as follows: Fairies are polite but condescending to the goblins. Fairies are polite but condescending to Marianne. Goblins get annoyed at the fairies being rude to their Queen - the group was chosen by Bog half because they'd be useful in a fight, half because they happen to genuinely like Marianne by this point. Marianne doesn't notice the fairies being condescending to her but she does notice them being rude to her goblins. Most fairies end up acting like catty brats.

·         At least one fairy accuses Marianne of having gone native to the forest. She does not deny it. At least one council member warns (threatens) her that her actions are risking her inheritance of the Fields. Bog overhears the threat, but not Marianne's response of "Dawn would be a good queen (and Sunny, you know, her elf fiancée? Would be king. Won't you enjoy that, you wrinkled old prune?)"

·         The trial at Stone Reach is probably immediately after the party, so the goblins ride their dragonflies there and the fairies fly. Marianne spends the entire flight snubbing Dagda who probably spent the entire fairy party trying to ask her who she wants to take over the day-to-day ruling nonsense so she can come home, and also would she please reconsider any of these charming fairy bachelors (who were rude to her goblins so not just no, hell no.)

·         (She might be a little a lot protective of the goblins, now. She really likes them and their way of life and sure it's different from what she's used to, but that's hardly a bad thing. Also, Bog. Who has nothing to do with her "hell no" about the fairy bachelors, of course.)

·         The trial. Evidence is presented, including Roland cheating on Marianne and how often, her breaking up with him, all because it goes into his motivation for wanting a love potion. (Someone gets to observe if Roland had just kept it in his pants for one more day, he'd have been married and thus the next king... up until Marianne caught him cheating and killed him, anyways.)

·         The Stone Reach provides it's judgement of Roland to be treason to the Fair Fields (knowingly and deliberately taking actions that led to the war) and conspiracy to act against the Dark Forest. Roland is sentenced to death.

·         Plum is judged to not have committed treason by reason of mental instability. She is to stay at the reach until she is judged sane. Also she is to not make any more love potions, because the spell-masters at the Reach believe creating love potions did not help with the mental stability. (No, that's probably not an excuse to make her stop, they're from the Reach. They certainly wouldn't lie. Tell only part of the truth, sure, but out-and-out lie? Never.)

·         Marianne does not stick around for Roland's execution, but instead leaves as soon as she can, taking the goblins with her. She remains distant to everyone - having her blindness to Roland's true character and the many times he cheated on her revealed to everyone hurt - but especially avoids Bog. She does her duties, but without her usual enthusiasm, and doesn't spar.

·         Bog ends up confronting Marianne in her bedroom. They fight, both verbal and physical, though not much of the later. Marianne ends up threatening to send Bog to live in the fields if he can't keep his nose out of her business. He retreats after that.

·         (I mentioned slow burn, right? Also, threat to the trust they've built up to this point, along with their friendship.)

·         Bog goes around snarling at everyone, Marianne is upset with everyone, and it's just in time for the first snow to hit.

·         Griselda tries to talk to Bog and gets nowhere, so she ends up confronting Marianne. "I'm a mother and you should fear love me" works where nothing else did, and Marianne ends up confessing about the fight and how bad she's felt since defeating Bog, and taking away his kingdom - and just everything, really. Up to and including how she has 'no right' to feel as she does for Bog, ect.

·         Griselda does manage to direct Marianne to talk to Bog. Marianne does, and apologises for what she said, confirms that she'd never ask him to move to the fields, never mind order him there, and that she relies on him more than anyone, ect. Finishes by saying he's her best friend - and apart from Dawn, kind of her only one, really.

·         This is the moment Bog falls head over heels out of friendship and into love. He's sunk.

·         All the pining happens from this point on. Sparring resumes, the duo begin to notice (and admit) their physical attraction to each other, and their conversations become awkward (but so exhilarating). They have more personal conversations, including Marianne eventually discussing how she felt about Roland, how she felt about being cheated on, ect.

·         (Marianne does say, in retrospect, she loved the idea of Roland more than the person, and her upset was as much for losing that 'idea' of him as being cheated on. Also, in hindsight, not that Marianne tells Bog this, but she didn't feel much for Roland, physically. He was too pretty to lust over, or something. She just figured she'd get the physical attraction once they were married.)

·         (Of course, Marianne is comparing her memories of how she felt about Roland to how she feels about Bog now, and she is noticing Bog physically a whole lot. Primarily his eyes, hands, wings, that scar high up on his thigh, and how careful he is with his strength. She maybe wants to wreck his self control, which is not something good fairy girls are supposed to want.)

·         (Bog, meanwhile, really wants to know what Marianne's hair feels like, and really likes her eyes, and her wings, and her neck keeps catching his attention, and she's so tiny but she's so strong and it's really impressive how she can just, like, go toe to toe with him and even overpower him at times. It gives him fluttery feelings inside.)

·         With winter in place, Bog starts taking Marianne out on trips in the forest. Short trips because it's cold, but he gets the chance to show her places he feels are the most beautiful - things like waterfalls where the plants and rocks are coated in ice from the constant spray, or the glow cave, flying through the thorn bushes only this time it's daytime and they look like they're carved from crystal because there's just so much frost everywhere, ect.

·         Mutual pining continues. The goblin midwinter ceremony happens - no set details right now, but probably something about staying up all night until dawn, dinner being 'starvation food' (like super-thin soups and salads made out of things you'd only eat if you had no other choice), putting all the fires out and lighting candles, then lighting the fires from the candles, ect. Marianne does the fairy tradition of giving gifts - those closest to her get personal gifts, everyone else gets generic gifts like sweats (or socks - goblins love the idea of socks). She ends up giving Bog a traditional engagement gift - possibly a wire and gemstone bracelet?

·         During the first council meeting of the new year, the Elders of the Forest make preliminary noises about potential heirs and merging new Royal blood with the old. (They have finally decided how to handle Bog being married to Marianne.) Marianne finally discovers she and Bog are considered married. The goblins finally discover she had no freaking clue. The goblins are stunned. Bog's heartbroken, because of course there was no chance, Marianne's reaction just proves that out.

·         (Bog assumed, his feelings for Marianne aside, she was just making the best of their marriage and doesn't feel anything more than friendship for him. He figures it's a one-sided situation again, only worse, because a) no way he'd ever consider using a love potion again and b) they're married.)

·         (Marianne is heartbroken, as she figures this means Bog was just making the best of a bad situation and maybe they are friends, but how the hell can he love her? Not only did she steal his throne but she told him they were married the first day he was barely mobile... ect.)

·         More pining! Not helped by the goblin Elders, who are pushing for a proper marriage that both sides know is a marriage.

·         Griselda is just so done with everything, from the Elders to the mutually pining idiots giving each other sad, longing looks over the breakfast dishes (and not realizing the person they're sighing over is sighing over them right back. They're sitting right next to each other, how are they this dense?!) She sends messages to Dawn explaining EVERYTHING, especially about the mutually pining idiots. (Griselda may or may not have spent multiple hours with each idiot bemoaning their sad and sorry fate. At least Marianne's honest about wanting to shove Bog against a wall and oh yeah you're his mother, sorry...)

·         Dawn sends a letter back saying she won't be much help until the snows help in spring, but be encouraging (and blunt) with the idiots.

·         Griselda sets up the romantic dinner from the movie, only the song is "kiss the girl" from The Little Mermaid. The idiotic and pining duo get angry, tear up the decorations, and go off to spar (and pine.)

·         After they spar, they go outside to stargaze a little. They grouse about the Elders and the romantic dinner (blaming the Elders, not Griselda). Someone slips - probably Bog - and probably along the lines of "after all, I know you wouldn't - well, I'm me (gestures at self) and you can do better."

·         Whoever is self-deprecating is reassured and the initial confessions of feelings happens. They retreat to Marianne's private office to talk in the warm. Further confessions of feelings happens. Kissing happens. Someone (probably Bog) gets shoved against a wall and ravished. There is no complaining.

·         Their relationship escalates quickly (probably same day, TBH) to sharing a bed, but no sex. They do end up with lots of heavy petting every night as they figure out what feels good, what doesn't, ect. Marianne discovers Bog's spine thing, Bog discovers Marianne's thing for necks (both hers and his - she's equally enthusiastic having her neck kissed (and nipped) as she is doing the kissing (and nipping) as well as Marianne's ear thing.

·         They try to keep it secret from Griselda and the Elders. They are not subtle and they fool no one. The Elders, however, have to shut up about it because Marianne has a sword and tells them what she'll do with it if they don't move on to the next subject, NOW.

·         Griselda sends Dawn an update with no reply, but isn't surprised.

·         Marianne and Bog end up with smut. Bog is quite happy to be shoved around and Marianne is quite happy do shove him around. They take turns turning each other to mush. Marriage proposal once they're able to do words again afterwards.

·         Close out with a wedding under the cut primroses, some combination of goblin and fairy traditions. (Okay, more fairy traditions than not, because fairies actually need a ceremony to be married and goblins don't, but details.)

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Carl/Beth Entanglement Details: S4 Vs. S8

Okay, so here’s what I want to talk about today. In the past few days, I’ve posted both of these memes, and I’ve been promising a Carl/Beth post. (Btw, the Carl one has already gotten more than double the likes on IG that my pics usually get. I know that’s because of Carl’s bite, but still. People are obviously connecting with this.

I was actually going to do this post before the MSF aired, and I just didn’t get around to it. Now I’m kind of glad I didn’t. Now with confirmation of Carl’s bite, it’ll just be a little more concrete. I want to remind everyone of some early intersections between Carl and Beth symbolism, so it’s a little more obvious that Gimple always planned it that way, and that Beth has to come on the heels of Carl’s death. Here we go:

I originally wanted to talk about the parallels between the train tracks sites from the second edit. I’m going to change it a bit and talk more about Carl than Daryl. By the way, if you haven’t read my “Beth Greene was Never Gimple’s Sheriff” post, I’d advise you to do so. This will make a lot more sense if you have that as background.

So let’s talk about the structure of S4. I’ve already talked a lot about how the structure of various episodes in S4 foreshadowed future events but I’m going to talk about the overall structure of episodes. In 4x08, the prison went down, right? Remember that there were a ton of callbacks in 8x08 to the loss of the prison in 4x08. So if the two seasons are being paralleled, the two MSFs line up pretty well. S4 = loss of prison. It’s burned down. S5 = loss of Alexandria. It’s burnt down/blown up.

Then everyone was separated into small groups. Rick and Carl, later joined by Michonne were one. Beth and Daryl another. Tyreese and the girls, which Carl joins fairly quickly. And then Maggie/Sasha/Tyreese. Things are a little different here, but I would like to point out that that is the start of @thegloriouscollectorlady’s 4 Arcs for 4 Communities theory. She theorized that the groups would = living situations/leadership in the future, and she was right. (Mostly. Not all of it, especially Daryl’s, has been confirmed yet, but I believe it will be.) So Rick/Carl/Michonne = Alexandria. Carol = Kingdom. Maggie = Hilltop. We had a forth group in Glenn/Tara who were joined by Abe/Rosita and Eugene. We have a 4th group now in Aaron and Eugene, though neither of them were in S4 to be paralleled with. The odd one out is really Beth and Daryl, who obviously aren’t running a community on their own, but may at one point.

So then we have episode 4x09, from which the top picture, this one, 

was taken. (Ignore the arrows; they’re from a different meta and I was too lazy to retake the screenshot. ;D) Now, the reason I’m bringing this up is that the bottom picture was something they focused on in 8x06. In fact, Daryl rode past it on his bike, and I felt like it was a callback to S4.

So Rick and Carl leave the prison, and there is some interesting symbolism in the first place they go (pickles) but I want to focus on the house they stay in, because we have two major sequences that both foreshadow Beth’s arc.

The first is Rick. He lies down to sleep and falls into a semi-comatose state. Really, his body is just exhausted from the fight with the Gov, and he sleeps for more than 24 hours. But it’s kinda like he’s in a coma for a time, and Carl really can’t wake him up. Then we even have a scene at night where Carl things Rick has died and turned because his breathing is so ragged. Carl tries to shoot him, but doesn’t. (And thank goodness, because Rick isn’t really dead.) But the point is that Rick is in a coma and no one can wake him. At one point, TF (just Carl in this case) thinks he’s turned, even though he hasn’t. And specifically does NOT shoot him. All things we believe happened with Beth.

Oh, and Rick has a Beth-ish wound:

Then there’s Carl himself. He goes out on his own and leads walkers away from the house. This is where we get the visual parallel above to where he was bitten. So that sequence where he falls down and the walkers pile on him in S4 was a foreshadow of that happening in S8, only then he was actually bitten, where in S4 he obviously was not.

Then he goes into the pudding house. The first room he goes into, he sees a bird cage, much like the ones we saw in Beth’s cell in 4x01. It’s open, though, and there’s a dead bird on the floor beside it. 

I have no doubt at all that that represents Beth, the song bird, being “killed” when she tries to escape her cage (Grady). And that by itself doesn’t suggest resurrection so much as just death.

However, as we go along, some interesting things start to happen. Carl opens a door and walker lunges at him. Carl falls onto his back but gets his gun and shoots the walker in the head. He shoots it in the EXACT same place Beth is shot: left side of the forehead. The walker face plants in front of him. For about a second and a half. Then it jumps back up again. Carl looks shocked that it didn’t die.

I mean, that alone should tell everyone that Beth’s wound wasn’t fatal. Or at the very least that it didn’t transect her brain stem to keep her from turning. If it was possible for that particular wound to do so, this walker wouldn’t have jumped back up. So it’s both proof that her injury was survivable AND a foreshadow of her living. Because right after Carl sees the dead bird and the cage, he sees a walker jump back up after sustaining the exact injury that Beth did.

Then he goes into the nautical-themed bedroom. This is where we get all kinds of crazy S7/S8 symbolism. Carl uses a lamp from the front yard to fight the walker (Lamp Theory). The nautical theme is ALL over the bedroom (Oceanside). There’s a yellow bat in the background (Negan). And of course in fighting the walker, he loses a shoe. (Lost shoes/feet theory). Oh, and after he gets out, we see a pair of yellow-handled scissors by his foot. (Yellow = escape/Beth’s yellow polo/opening credits flash; scissors = what she stabbed Dawn with.)

So all these crazy symbols come together in this scene. Then Carl eats his pudding and returns to Rick. The next day, Rick wakes up from his coma alive and well and everything is okay.

So here’s what I’m taking away from all this symbolism. First off, Carl could = Beth here, because he heads out on his own and has to save himself/take care of himself, which he does.

But as far as Carl’s arc is concerned, I feel like this represents him being the sheriff, being an adult, and making his own decisions. Remember they said twice that this was “his show.” This sequence in S4 represented his show. And only after the sequence that foreshadowed him being bitten did we see the dead song bird coupled with resurrection. (Meanwhile in 8x08, we saw a burning phoenix.)

On top of that, it wasn’t until after he escaped from the walker in the nautical room that Rick (also a parallel of Beth) awakened. (Of course in terms of the plot, we think she awakened a long time ago, but TF and the GA don’t know that. So I guess maybe it’s better to say that she’ll appear.)

So this foreshadows that sometime after Carl was bitten, at a time in the story when both Oceanside and Negan are in play, Beth will appear. And even more than that… remember yesterday I talked about the last stand at Hilltop, and most of us have thought for several weeks that Aaron and Enid will run into her at Oceanside. So I said maybe she would come with the Oceansiders to save TF’s bacon from Negan during the last stand. I almost feel like we have that foreshadowed here. The details, of course, could be very different than I’m thinking (they usually are) but think of it this way.

Carl (Beth proxy) defeats the walker inside the nautical/Oceanside room, suggesting victory will come from Oceanside. The bat in the room (Negan) is yellow, as are the scissors outside the door. Beth used scissors to stab Dawn, which ultimately led to her defeat, and Negan has lots of parallels to Dawn. At the very least, Negan is Daryl’s Dawn. (Is everyone following? I know this is a lot. Sorrynotsorry.) So I feel like the message here is that help will come from Oceanside specifically to defeat Negan, in the same way Dawn was defeated.

In fact, since Beth was kind of sacrificed to defeat Dawn and the system at Grady, and since Carl is the one in this scene, I think it shows that Carl in a way was sacrificed to defeat Negan. Gimple was super weird about what will happen next, but he keeps saying that Carl’s death will play into the story in 8b and people will understand why it was necessary. 

So maybe it’s something about Siddiq? Such that if Carl hadn’t made that sacrifice and brought him into Alexandria, TF wouldn’t have won against Negan? (And keep in mind that in the books, Siddiq has ties to Oceanside, so it really could all work together.) I don’t know. Just spit balling here.

But are we all seeing how this was foreshadowed in S4? And this sequence was many episodes before 4x16 where the hat was actually placed on Beth’s head. As I said many weeks ago now, Carl was never Gimple’s sheriff. Beth was always going to be the future.

Another thing I wanted to mention is that the shot in 5x16 of Carl and Judith looking at the music box in front of the Morse Code poster makes a lot more sense now. We always just thought that was about Beth and the music box, but it was more than that. They could have shown anyone with the music box. Someone closer to Beth, like Maggie or Daryl, might have made more sense anyway. But they went with Carl, and that was obviously purposeful.

In the season where Beth disappeared, and TF found a new home, they showed the music box singing, I think, to symbolize that she was still out there. But once the “new home,” including the Morse Code poster, which we saw being destroyed as Rick and Negan fought, was gone, then Carl would die. He’s even wearing his hat in this scene. And the new sheriff (symbolized by the music box) would appear.

In a way, it makes more sense than ever that the music box disappeared after S5. The last time we saw it was during the last season Beth appeared in. That’s because this arc that’s been running ever since wasn’t about her and wasn’t something she would ever be a part of. This was TF at Alexandria. We probably won’t see the music box again until she reappears, and her time as sheriff begins.

So what does that mean for 8b? I’ll give you a few possibilities I’ve thought of. Keep in mind, this is all just conjecture and could very well turn out to be wrong.

Aside from the Oceansiders showing up with Beth to save the day, which I think may not happen until the season finale, I’m still hoping that we, the audience, will see her earlier than that.

I think 8x09 is a possibility, but I’m really on the fence over whether they’d have her return in the same episode in which Carl actually dies. That might get some hate from the audience if they feel like one character is being exchanged for another and Carl’s death isn’t getting the respect it deserves. So on the one hand, I would think they’d stay away from that. But on the other hand, some of the stuff Gimple has said suggests that maybe something about Carl’s death might actually usher in the change in the story in a way that the audience will like and connect with. So maybe we will see her in 8x09? I can see it going either way and honestly don’t know which is more likely.

Returning to what I said at the beginning about 4x08 and 8x08 lining up, the parallels with Carl and Rick happened right after, in 4x09, so that suggests maybe we will see her very soon. But on the other hand, predicting things like that has never worked out especially well for us. I don’t think Gimple always lines up episodes exactly. I think he purposely shies away from that so things aren’t predictable. 4x10 was Inmates, where we had Beth’s diary voice over, and a backward progression that definitely foreshadowed some things. (Details here)And then Bethyl happened in 4x12/13. So you see what I mean? It really could fall anywhere and almost every episode is a possibility.

One scenario that occurred to me is that perhaps they’ll parallel season 5. I would actually really love it if this scenario happened, but again, it’s just conjecture on my part. So in 5x08, Beth seemed to have died, but actually didn’t, right? So in that MSF, much like this one, we didn’t have any major character deaths. The death came in 509, with Tyreese. Similarly, Carl will die in 8x09. The thing about 5x09 is that Beth was in that episode as a part of Tyreese’s death hallucination. And that episode was so bizarre and abstract, with a ridiculous amount of foreshadowing and Beth symbolism in it. (Details here.)

So I was thinking that maybe in a similar fashion, all of 8x09 will be Carl in the throes of death, just as 5x09 was for Tyreese. But maybe instead of a hallucination, we’ll see flashbacks from the missing 17 days after Grady, and Beth will be in them? It would be an awesome parallel. And again, no idea if it will be this way. It might work out completely different, but I’m kind of hoping. If that WERE the case, Beth would be there, but we might not necessarily find out she’s alive. They would just be flashbacks.

(And I did draw a parallel between the slide show in 5x09 and Michonne’s line about it being Carl’s show. Just saying.)

So that made me consider that in 5x10, the music box woke up. If they were to parallel S5, maybe we’ll finally see her in ep 10. I’d never seriously considered ep 10 as a possibility. A finale or MSF just seemed more likely. But that would be super-interesting as far as the music box is concerned, wouldn’t it?

In short, I have no idea when she’ll appear, but I wanted to point out/reiterate some of these entanglements. As I’ve said many times now, these are things we noticed years ago, but just didn’t understand the full extent of what they meant. As the seasons pass and the foreshadowing is fulfilled, we can see that it was planned and foreshadowed this way from the beginning. Now all we have to do is sit back and wait.

[moviestorian]

what do you think Theon and George Warleggan have in common?

Hi!

First of all, I am so SO very sorry it took me ages toreply. I’ve had plenty of different things to do, and I thought this is such aninteresting question that deserves a fully developed reply. Finally, I’mreplying, and the final result is over 3000 words. :P

Disclaimer: my interpretation is basedon both show and book Theon, but almost entirely show version of George (he’sslightly different than his book counterpart, and also I’m reading The BlackMoon, so I wouldn’t even have a full context to discuss book George, so…)

I briefly outlined the topic at the endof this post, but it’s really short, and I will try to be moreprecise here. Ok, let’s start!

George& Theon vs. fandom

I will start with something which may not be a typicalparallel and is not directly connected with George/Theon’s personality (I mean,it could be refered to many other characters), but I still find it strikingenough to consider. I’m talking about the fandom’s most usual reaction to bothof these characters. Theon and George are (probably) equally disliked byPoldark/GoT fandoms. There are (rather small)groups of their fans of course,but there are definitely many more of those who - to put it mildly - dislikethem. Quite frankly, I think Theon’s fanbase is actually bigger than George’s,but this may be because GoT/Asoiaf fandom outnumbers the Poldark one.

Coming back to the fandoms’ reaction, George and Theonare commonly perceived as “evil”. George is rather frequently calleda “villain” (I kinda get why people think so but I’d argue with that, tome he’s more of an antagonist, just like Javert or Frollo), and while I don’tsee people using the same term to describe Theon that often, I’ve come acrosssuch opinions as well (also…I believe GRRM called him a villain…). Finally,they both receive a fair amount of hate, and well… this hatred can be very nasty(selective empathy, maybe?). I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, but I’mstill quite astounded how awful things people can write… (I’m talking aboutposts in which you can find such gems as “Theon deserved to be tortured”,castration jokes etc., or “George should be flayed alive” and that Rossshould’ve put his face in fire.

Identityproblem

George Warleggan and Theon Greyjoy, as Inoticed, deal with the “I don’t belong anywhere” problem, even thoughtheir issues come from slightly different backgrounds (btw, they are both quiteshitty at solving their problems). George, as a wealthy and powerful banker whois grandson of a blacksmith, does belong to neither aristocracy nor commonfolk,and isn’t actually being accepted by either of these groups. When it comes toTheon, he is neither fully a Stark nor fully a Greyjoy. His arc is more of anidentity arc than anything else, I would say. As a hostage in Winterfell, he isreally close to the Stark family (as he admitted himself, Robb was more of a brotherto him than Rodrick and Marron) but he’s not one of them and he always remainsa Greyjoy in the Northerners’ eyes (and apart from Robb, he is rather indifferentto other Starks, definitely not one of them). However, he’s been in Winterfellfor so long that he doesn’t fit the Iron Islands, too - and hence, hissupposedly glorious return in A Clash of the Kings is one huge disappointment for him.

As a direct result of this problem, Georgeand Theon are doing their best to “prove themselves” - Warleggan is tryingreally hard to become a member of aristocracy, and Greyjoy wants to showeveryone that he is a true Ironborn. With pretty unfortunate results. Theirmain problem is, though, that they are not people they’re pretending to be, andI think they both know it deeply in their hearts, so it becomes some sort of acomplex for them. In early season 2, when Demelza asks him what’s thedifference between being a miner’s daughter and a blacksmith’s grandson Georgeangrily responds that “she will always beminer’s daughter, while he is a gentleman”. And it is not the only timewhen George reacts very (let’s say)sensitively when somebody brings up thematter of his origin. I think this is because he knows that no matter how many times he’ll deny it, he will always beblacksmith’s grandson. It’s pretty similar in Theon’s case, and although I disagreewith statements that the Starks were/are his true family, many GoT characterstend to think so. However, I can’t deny that he is strongly attached to theStarks and is influenced by what he experienced in Winterfell. Yet even beforethat, when he was just a child, he was not a “typical” Ironborn, he was a shy,sensitive child.

Acceptance & isolation issues

Something strongly related to the pointabove. I already mentioned the problem of not being accepted by theNortherners/Greyjoys (Theon) or commonfolk/aristocracy (George). No matter howmuch Theon and George will try, and let’s face it: both of them, yet especiallyGeorge, do stuff that not only don’t help them but actually makes the problemworse, they will always remain somewhere inbetween. Theon will always be “thatStark hostage” or, even worse, “Starks’ dog” in Ironmen’s eyes, and George willalways be “that upstart (poodle)” in aristocracy’s eyes. 

Because of this acceptance problem thereappears an isolation problem, too. I find it quite striking how lonely Georgeand Theon are. In Theon’s case it may not be that obvious because of the maskhe wears (smiling a lot, etc.), but in my opinion there’s no doubt he IS lonely. In George’s case it’sactually both pretty ironic and interesting about the TV characterization ofhim, because he seems more introverted than Theon, but at the same time he shows his loneliness quite often – butin a subtle way. Even in public places a viewer can frequently spot him beingalone. Because of this loneliness, Theon and George have this one person theystrongly rely on psychologically – I’m talking about Robb Stark and ElizabethChynoweth-Poldark. I already mentioned how Theon treats Robb as his youngerbrother, and I will also say that I think Robb is also the closest personequivalent to a true family member he ever had. When it comes to George, hecares about Elizabeth very much, to the point of obsessiveness (one couldwonder, who is George more obsessed with: Ross or Elizabeth?), and she isactually the only person (at least as far as I remember, correct me if I’m wrong)he speaks openly to about how lonelyhe feels (“Loneliness is not one-sided,Elizabeth. A man may feel it, too”).

Difficult family relationships/(poor) interpersonalskills

This partially comes as a result ofidentity/acceptance problems, and partially affects the mentioned issues aswell. I will start with saying that George is an orphan in the show (we don’tknow when exactly he lost his parents, though) and while technically both BalonGreyjoy and Alannys Harlaw are alive (well, Balon dies in AFFC, but Theon stillgot to see him in ACOK), Theon is so isolated from them since he was takenprisoner that he basically don’t have parents, too. I assume he was quite closeto his mother when he was a child, but his relationship with Balon wasextremely cold and this never changed. So, as consequence to them not reallyhaving fathers, George and Theon’s personalities are shaped by father figuresthat are not exactly very positive for them – Cary Warleggan and Ned Stark (ohmy, I never thought I will be comparing Ned to Cary, but here I am).

Let me start with Cary. Even in thebooks it was noted several times that Cary has too big of an influence onGeorge, but I promised to stick with the show and so I will. From season 2 Caryhas been less and less significant character in George’s arc, but I’d say it’sstrongly visible how many of George’s actions are somehowinfluenced/strengthened by Cary in s1 (happened once or twice in s2 as well,but George is already very independent by that time and usually decides to dowhat he wants). Cary is really, really cold and pretty amoral (he gives offthis vibe of not having much empathy, if any) and seems to have no problemswith doing harm at all, when even George seems to hesitate. One of such momentsare when Cary is absolutely not moved by Julia Poldark’s death and literally raises a toast (!) for “Ross Poldark’sdownfall” after his little daughter’s death and dissolving Carnmore CopperCompany (note that George slightly raises his glass but doesn’t drink, anddoesn’t look happy in the slightest). To be honest, he doesn’t seem very closeto his nephew in emotional terms, too – they are more like business partnersthan relatives, and allow me to emphasize: before marrying Elizabeth Cary isthe closest family member George has; the onlyfamily member he has. Taking this into account, what kind of person George issupposed to be? In some aspects he is similar to his uncle – distant and cold,and where does he get it from? Again, we don’t know how old was George when hisparents died so we’re moving a little bit into a headcanon zone (at the sametime, we don’t know what Nicholas Warleggan was like, and it’s probable that hewas similar to Cary to a certain extent, they were brothers after all).Assuming it happened when George was a child/teenager – then Cary definitely had a strong influence onhis personality and perception of other people/emotions in general. Then,assuming it happened when George was in his late teens/early twenties, thatinfluence would be way less significant, but it doesn’t mean there would be noinfluence at all. George still could have tried to somehow “stick” to the onlyfamily member he has and sought for his approval, at least in how to deal with business and make investments.

Before I will explain similiaritiesbetween Cary/George relationship and Ned/Theon relationship, let me emphasizethat Cary and Ned are not the same. Eddard is loving to his family and capableof showing his affection, while Cary is not. Where I see a parallel is how Nedis cold towards Theon, and Theon isliterally quite scared of him, which does influence him negatively. Let mequote the books to present how Greyjoy felt about Ned Stark (bolded by me foremphasis):

“As if ten years in Winterfellcould make a Stark. Lord Eddard had raised him amonghis own children, but Theon had neverbeen one of them. The whole castle, from Lady Stark to the lowliest kitchen scullion, knew he was hostage to his father’s good behavior,and treated him accordingly. Eventhe bastard Jon Snow had been accorded more honor than he had.

Lord Eddard had tried to play the father from time to time, but to Theon he had always remained the manwho’d brought blood and fire to Pyke and taken him from his home. As a boy, hehad lived in fear of Stark’s stern face and great dark sword. His wife was,if anything, even more distant and suspicious.” (GRRM, A Clash of Kings, Theon I)

Or here:

“This was never my home. I was a hostage here. Lord Stark had not treated him cruelly, but the long steel shadow of his greatsword had always been between them.He was kind to me, but never warm.He knew that one day he might need toput me to death.” (GRRM, A Dance with Dragons, The Prince of Winterfell)

These quotes alsohighlight Theon’s acceptance problem pretty well, but let’s go back to therelationship issue. Theon was taken prisoner when he was, if I remembercorrectly, 9 years old and stayed there until he was 19. So, his teenage yearswere shaped by: a) being isolated from his parents; b) having “parent figures”that are distant and make him literally insecure; c) feeling isolated by hissurroundings. This is not a healthy environment for a growing child. Theon had,undoubtedly, far worse than George Warleggan (who at least did not feel thathis life was on threat), but what I see they have in common here is that theyboth hardly had someone to truly rely on, and if you don’t have support in yourown family (or what is close to your family), why should you expect suchsupport from others (that’s why George seems a bit paranoid at times, as ifeveryone was against him personally)? Therefore, they develop very poorinterpersonal skills.

Because they don’t havevery positive and supporting family relationships, they can’t create veryhealthy relationships with women (at least I believe this may be the case). Bythe way, I can’t unsee some similarities between Ros/Theon(show only) andMargaret/George relationships, but I guess it’s a discussion for another post. WhatI think they have again in common is that Theon has huge problems withdeveloping relationships with women other than having sex with them (it startschanging in ADWD, when he helps Jeyne Poole), and usually objectifies them.George technically doesn’t do that (he treats Elizabeth with huge courtesy),but disrespecting Demelza, in a sense, makes him feel superior (especiallysince he is technically a lowborn, too. Demelza just highlights his insecurityabout his origin) – he constantly calls her “a kitchen maid” and tells theguards in Bodmin that she is a harlot to prevent her from trying to save Rossfrom hanging. Theon doesn’t treat lowborn women well, too, and his insecuritiesprevent him from creating a long-lasting and loving relationship. George kindamanages to make that with Elizabeth, but their marriage (and pre-marriageperiod) is far from perfection – he can be obsessive and (sometimes, but still)manipulative, but then is gentle and loving.

Compensatory narcissistic personality disorder

Alright, I am not the most competentperson to discuss this, and @incblackbird wrote an amazing book in which shedescribed Theon’s formation of his identity and defense mechanism he uses, so Iwill be rather brief here. So, what Theon and George share psychologically isthat they are both hella insecure, and they try to hide it behind the mask ofarrogance (in the series it’s brilliantly acted by Alfie Allen and JackFarthing, I honestly think they make one of the most nuanced performances inthe show they’re in). In case of Theon it’s his “constant smile” (it’smentioned many times in the books), and in George’s – his general posture,especially how he tends to hold his chin very high and proudly. I love thescene in 1x08 when he’s going to Trenwith very quickly, silently crying, andthen he just stops and put his usual mask on, to hide his emotion and makeimpression of having full control over himself. Another scene when you can seehim “posing” is in s2 (episode 3, I believe?) when he’s “training” in front ofthe mirror.

Theon and George also seem to havesuperiority complex, often being expressed by them downplaying or hurtingothers to make them feel better. However read ASOIAF or seen GoT/Poldark knowwhat I’m talking about. ;)

Capability of doing terrible things

A side effect of what described above.Both of these characters did some really horrible things (and that’s mostly whythe fandoms dislike them), in order to prove themselves (esp. Theon) or getwhat they want (George trying to get closer to aristocracy). Theon definitelyregrets what he did, and in the show I get the impression that sometimes Georgedoes too, although he would never admit it (I think his behavior shows that hisconscience is not quite clear, he’s not Cary after all). To illustrate whatthey did I will give some examples: Theon abused Kyra (left her crying aftersleeping with her), turned on Robb and killed the farm boys and burned theirbodies, while George tried to have Ross hanged and forced Morwenna to marryWhitworth against her will.

Tendency to like “pretty things”

Alright, that’s the last thing :). Theonand George have, in a manner of speaking, quite interesting fashion sense, Imean that they like to wear/be surrounded by pretty things. This is noticed byBalon Greyjoy (probably other Ironborn too), Ross Poldark and aunt Agatha, andat the same time serves as a mean to highlight their identity problems – thatTheon is not fully a Greyjoy and George is not fully an aristocrat. Once again,allow me to use quotation from ASOIAF to show what was Balon’s reaction toTheon wearing jewellery:

“His father slid his fingers under thenecklace and gave it a yank so hard it was like to take Theon’s head off, hadthe chain not snapped first. “My daughter has taken an axe for alover,“ Lord Balon said. “I will not have my sonbedeck himself like a whore.” He dropped the broken chain onto thebrazier, where it slid down among the coals. “It is as I feared. The green lands have made you soft, andthe Starks have madeyou theirs.”(GRRM, A Clash of Kings, Theon I)

And now let’s compareit to George’s case. It’s a bit more visible in the books, but I promised tostick with the show and I’m going to keep my promise. ;) In 2x03, when Rossstarts a fight with George, George is wearing a ruby on his stock tie, and I maybe wrong, but I haven’t noticed any other male character in Poldark wearingjewellery on their stock ties. Obviously it was not the reason why Ross startedthe fight, but later in the same episode Andrew Blamey and Francis ask him forthe cause of this conflict, and he responds that he didn’t like his stock tie,which means that he noticed that anddidn’t like it (possibly reminded him of George being a nouveau riche, who’sricher than all Poldarks together). Another scene is George’s conversation withaunt Agatha she tells him:

“I remember the first time Francis brought you here! Fligged out in yourfrills and fallallery! (…)Velvets andsilks you wore. ‘Twas plain your mother had no taste.(…) And you, staring about like abull-calf that had strayed from its stall.”

That was the final one. :) I hope you are satisfied with my answer,anon! I know it’s very long, but I hope it’s at least a bit interesting!Obviously what I wrote here is by no means everything that can be said on thistopic and I’m pretty sure there’s something I missed. ;)

[fitzykreiner]

hello, do you mind me asking what happened with sleepy hollow? I only watched the first season lol

not at all! okay so first off, congratulations on escaping the train wreck early. second, there was a shitload of bs happening behind the scenes, 99% of which we are still in the dark about. the rest is under a cut bc damn.

BUT ANYWAY, the biggest point is that they killed abbie off. like full stop, not joking, they legit killed. her. off. which was a good/bad thing. good, bc nicole was being treated like shit bts & wanted off the show so she could get herself out of the situation. bad, for obvious reasons. also bc they actually thought the show could continue w/o her. 

the first big problem they had was gradually shifting the focus of the show from abbie + her relationships w/ jenny, ichabod, & irving (+ the various other characters in her life that they either killed off or conveniently forgot abt lmao.) to ichabod’s crusty-ass boring-ass family and past. as u saw in the s1 finale, abbie stayed behind in purgatory so ichabod & katrina could leave. katrina stayed, continued to be a fucking nuisance at best, & they introduced a cool new mysterious character played by john goddamned noble and ruined it by making him ichy & floptrina’s nasty-ass son, also the horseman of war. oh and also death is actually ichabod’s old bro w/ a hot bod who was all set to marry katrina b4 ichy waltzed his homewrecking ass in. anywho, boring boring boring bullshit that had way too many storylines happening at once, none of which were interesting in the least. i genuinely forget if we already knew the henry/jeremy and abraham stuff in s1? so if i’m repeating things u already kno, forgive me. i feel like maybe by time s1 was over we already knew henry was actually jeremy who was actually war, bc wasn’t he in 1x06?? whatever, don’t care, he’s a piece of shit

the second big problem is that they sidelined and/or got rid of all of the poc/good characters: luke, irving, cynthia, macey, andy, ABBIE, JENNY, all while introducing cardboard cut-out white people/BAD characters no one gave a rat’s ass abt. oh and also corbin was like completely forgotten abt, until his son came into the picture and they mentioned him like…….twice. but yeah lmfao, it was a miracle if jenny showed up for longer than 3 min & abbie was continually given the b plot and less screen time. 

the third big problem was that they FORGOT ABT THE MAIN FUCKING PLOT POINT. that abbie and ichabod were the WITNESSES who were supposed to be WITNESSING THE APOCALYPSE. like i’m not even shitting you, the apocalypse ceased to be A Thing. (btw what the fuck happened to moloch???? i don’t even remember,) death/headless horseman/abraham was given humanity & a storyline no one asked for & they were really trying to push a weird romance angle between him and katrina since they were together when he was still ~alive. war/henry/jeremy was the next horseman to be introduced, simultaneously w announcing he was the demon spawn of ichy/floptrina. so that was something we had to suffer thru. Crane Family Drama was a BIG tag in this fandom during that time. no one cared. everyone hated it. even the fucking ichatrina stans started getting tired of it, if that tells u anything. so anyway, once death and jeremy were dealt with, idk?? they just forgot abt the apocalypse being a thing???? fuck knows, man. i’ve almost successfully blocked most of the bs in my mind.

during this time, ~s2, orlando got fired. or he was “asked to leave”, so, you know. my man hadn’t given a fuck before, getting fired just let him release the last of the fucks he had. also during this time, the writing was just getting worse and worse. i mean, BAD. like it was on a steady decline since b4 mid s1, but s2 was the relatively small cliff of bad writing before the exponentially cavernous shit hole that s3 became. they started treating abbie like SHIT during s2 and ichabod continually resembled more and more of a flaming bag of dog feces.

but yeah, s2 finale, katrina has revealed herself to be the evil-ass snake we all knew she was, tho the writers copped out by saying she was good the whole time until she started to feel bad for her shitty son & decided to side with him. whatever. bitch was evil from the start. in the finale she starts up this spell to send herself back into the past to kill ichabod to nip the whole resistance to the apocalypse thing in the bud. in the middle of doing that, abbie jumps after her, so they both get sent into the past. there was some admittedly very cool parallels to the pilot w abbie waking up in the forest and stumbling around & bending down to touch the road she comes across, etc. long story short, abbie meets up w past!crane, they go to franklin first, he dies, then they go to grace dixon, & she’s able to send abbie back to the future and reverse the spell. so abbie and katrina are sent back to present day and kathy is pissed as hell that abs disrupted her plans and goes to kill her, but crane stabs her ass b4 she kills abbie. everyone rejoiced at that, let me fucking tell you. that shit was therapeutic. 

s3 starts, they’ve already lost a lot of viewers throughout s2, but the stragglers are still clinging onto the show bc the s2 finale gave us hope that they might be able to dig themselves out of the hole they wrote themselves into. boy were we wrong. it started out alright, we all had high hopes. abbie had left to go to quantico & had become an fbi agent. crane was……..fuck knows. i think he took a sabbatical or some shit bc of the ~grief. it’s been like a year or whatever and all the sudden abbie is bailing his ass out of prison. he got a boy band haircut. they introduced a new guy, daniel, also fbi, played by lance gross, and teased a relationship between him and abbie. they also introduced a new villain pandora, fine, and breasty ross, who added absolutely fuck all to the story and just complicated their poorly thought-out storylines even further. also there was an angel???????? idk, i think he liked abbie and ichabod got jealous. that may have even been in s2, i don’t fucking remember, i wasn’t religiously watching at this point bc i had some sense of self-preservation. daniel was promising, and black, and a love interest for abbie, so of course his ass got the axe. there was a weird and uncomfortable bones cross-over. like, a cross-over with the show bones, on fox. in a desperate attempt to rake in viewers. it failed, to say the least. 

i don’t remember the details tbh, but s3 finale abbie essentially sacrifices herself, again, for ichabod. only this time it was permanent and it was somehow even WORSE bc they had her do it just to further ichabod’s man-pain and journey. they literally had her say that her job as a person and as a witness was to further him, the white guy. she told him and jenny to take care of each other and fucked off to the afterlife. after which, neither of them really mourn this?? whatsoever?? and we find out abbie’s soul was actually placed into a little girl? fuck i have no idea, i didn’t watch it. so anyway, abbie’s dead, ichabod moves to washington, dc, and the show is somehow still crawling along while disemboweled, dragging itself along the dirty ground w bloody hands, begging for the sweet release of death. the writers refuse, and beat the dead horse even deader. bring in a new batch of characters, jenny & joe (corbin’s son) are somehow still relevant, ichabod is a shadow of the man he used to be (mostly due to t-mis’s hilariously lacking acting job, praise be). i can’t tell u anything that happened in s4 bc i at least loved myself enough to not watch that horseshit. 

all in all, it was a cocktail of good ol’ racism, bad writing, and arrogance that was shitty hollow’s downfall. 

[lostinafictionaluniverse]

Riverdale 1 x07 thoughts

Starts with Jughead’s dream - seemingly perfect family with everyone fake smiling, and Juggie’s bewildered expression through all of this to kinda indicate that maybe he thought it was too good to be true? Interesting though that he wants his family to come together so bad, yet he dreams of being part of another (Betty’s) who he knows is not perfect either. Does that mean deep down that he’s given up on his family? That the only way for him to be happy would be if he were with another family? Which is what happens at the end of the episode, he ends up living with Archie! So was the beginning meant to bookend the end? Its also evident that he feels guilty about stabbing Archie in the back, presumably because he’s married to Betty in the dream. Why does he feel that? He knows Archie doesn’t feel that way about Betty. Betty did have feelings for Archie but she’s obviously getting over them, since she’s willing to move on with him. Why the guilt? Okay, Archie wasn’t exactly over the moon when he found out about bughead, but Jughead already sensed that he wouldn’t be and I wonder where that’s coming from?

The next scene with Juggie waking up in the closet under the stairs, a clever reference to Harry Potter, which is surprisingly not misplaced. Since Harry had a miserable life till Hogwarts came along and Juggie’s having a miserable life now until his friends - Archie and Betty come through for him. And Archie finding him was good. His secret was finally out. He could tell someone everything and unburden himself. The matter-of-fact way in which he did broke my heart actually. Archie was understandably shocked and immediately offered to ask Fred to give FP his job back and for Jug to live with him. And this is where I get caught between loving Archie and wanting to hit him on the head with a sharp instrument! Its just the way his character has progressed so far - I can’t really tell what to do with him. He’s bland and uninteresting and trivial. But in this episode he really came through for his friends, so yeah -idk.

Jughead asking Archie not to tell anyone - especially Betty. I think the reason is that he doesn’t want to come across as needy and screwed up, you know, he wants to show his best side to his girl - he wants to seem like he’s together and there for her instead of throwing his problems at her at a time when she’s already bogged down by so many of hers! I just think he wants to keep her away from worrying about him! And that’s so Juggie!

I was kind of meh about Veronica and the whole power struggle between the Lodge women thing. Oh and looks like Hiram is really in prison, so bang goes my theory of him being in hiding someplace and driving this whole thing remotely. Ronnie choosing Reggie as arm candy was great, Reggie IS hot btw. If only he wasn’t such a douche! But points to him for going along on that search for Polly! A gal pal, a gay and arm candy? Really Ronnie? You’re reducing Kevin to that? The whole town (or at least all of Riverdale high) seemed to be on the Cooper’s team. So that left the Blossoms with Keller and who else?

Jughead putting his arms around Betty when she’s worried and she reaching to him for reassurance was so adorable! And everyone’s reactions were revealing - Veronica looked surprised and then smug and Archie was kinda surprised too, but was he jealous? I think as they go deeper into bughead, Archie is gonna become more and more resentful as he finds his two best friends drifting away from him and towards each other and that is gonna manifest in a bad way. How? I don’t know yet. But he’s probably going to do something stupid that gets them both (or perhaps Jug) in trouble. Or perhaps be irrational and angry without knowing why. Why was Ronnie calling Juggie Holden Caulfield? Is it because he’s perceived as mysterious and a loner? But I love that she ships bughead!

Juggie saying “We may have had a moment” in that hesitating, halting manner, not really meeting Archie’s eyes? I think that meant that he really thought Archie would be mad at him or feel betrayed or something. He tried to downplay what he felt for Betty twice - once when FP asked him and this once with Archie. Both times Archie was there. I think he’s trying to spare Archie’s feelings. And right now he’s not sure what Betty feels either. In that scene where he’s walking her home, he struggles to articulate what they are “People like us” he says adoringly stuttering, and I think it means he doesn’t want to pressure her to commit and also because he’s uncertain if she’s reciprocating only because she’s going through such a stressful time herself and thinks maybe that’s why she needs him around? Idk.

Cheryl - idk what to make of her! She’s such a bitch most of the times and then one time she does something nice that makes me rethink her character. But I thought she looked really upset when Alice announced that Polly was pregnant with Jason’s baby! Like it was some kind of betrayal. I’m still on board the “twincest” ship!

Back to bughead and the sweet scene when he’s walking her home. Jughead being her “clarity” is like such a bughead thing and I’m loving it! Betty seems to have all her best ideas around him. And the kiss was just so them! And the little smile he gives after! Oh god, I’m just dying of the adorableness that is bughead! Also how badass were they leading the whole search party and belting out instructions like the power couple they are! And finishing each other’s sentences!

Polly still seems a little bit crazy to me! Maybe its her eyes or just her whole demeanor. 

Now the FP and Fred backstory. They seemed like they were really good friends, but then FP makes it as though Fred kicked him out when he was really down. Fred’s story seemed more believable to me. Again, here’s where carrot-top surprised me again. By insinuating that Fred was being a bad friend by letting Jughead drown along with FP. I’m amazed at the amount of character development for Archie in this episode. Its as if they want us invested in him and his story if indeed the Archie/Betty/Jughead love triangle thing is where they’re heading. I know a lot of people are rooting for Barchie and that wouldn’t really pay off if Archie wasn’t a sympathetic character. We’re supposed to feel bad for him that he lost the girl. Jughead already has oodles of audience sympathy. 

I liked the scene at Pop’s where they were reminiscing. And FP brings up how Jughead isn’t interested in sports and stuff like him but is more like his mom - into writing and books and literary things, and he says its good. I can get the sense of self-loathing from the man. He needs help.

Also, the scene where Juggie’s taking off his drunk dad’s boots and talking to him about Jellybean and his mom was all kinds of heart-breaking. Its so obvious the boy loves his family and wants them together. Its also obvious he’s proud of his mom and sis! (She listens to Pink Floyd on vinyl and has Juggie for an older bro - of course she cannot get any cooler!). The thing I notice about Jughead is that he downplays everything that’s going on with him - be it good or bad. He just doesn’t think its worth talking about or worth anyone’s time and that’s a whole new level of heart-breaking for me, because it just reinforces where this boy’s coming from - years of being bullied and made to feel unworthy and family breaking apart too! I think this warrants an entirely new post, a Jughead meta that I will get to soon!

I hate how they put Juggie through the wringer - first, by being embarrassed by his dad (Cole was superb), then blaming his friend and his dad for his condition, sticking up for him, believing in him only to have him let him down when he needed him the most. My heart shattered when he asked Betty at the station if his dad was there and Betty says Archie and Fred are. He wanted his dad there, dammit! Stupid, stupid, FP! But even he knows that his son’s better off without him. But he cannot use that as an excuse to not even try! The scene outside the station when Juggie gets ready to leave with his dad was so so heart-breaking. Both Cole and Skeet played it to perfection! I was crying, my poor Juggie. He was so conflicted - angry, disappointed, resigned and then finally determined to still not give up on him. Didn’t I say earlier that his most defining trait was his loyalty? Yeah!

I’m glad he has a safe place to live where he will be warm and well-fed. Also get to peek at Betty from Archie’s window and have conversations with her? Maybe? I’m not holding out hope that it’s going to last given the spoilers for episode 8 where Archie is blaming Jughead for betraying him by not telling him his dad was a Serpent. 

I’m also glad Polly found a place to live at Ronnie’s! Hermione was like - any daughter of Alice Cooper is welcome at my place? Does that mean she and Alice share a cordial relationship? I seem to recall them sharing some bitchy moments earlier in the Mayor’s fundraiser. I don’t think anyone likes Alice. Is Hermione an exception? 

I expected the clash between Alice and Penelope to be more - uh, bitchy? I’m not sure why Betty agreed to meet up with the Blossoms. I think its more to get financial support for Polly that she knows she won’t get from her parents since they clearly want to give the baby up for adoption. But still- the Blossoms? What are you thinking gurl?

All in all, this episode really focused on Jughead and how screwed up his life is, and it makes my heart bleed for the poor boy! The scene where he implores Betty to believe that he didn’t do it and those fearful, desperate eyes! Like he’s managed to stay afloat but now finally the net is closing in and he’s choking. He doesn’t know if he can get out. I don’t think he was thinking about evidence and how they could or couldn’t pin it on him at all. He looked totally cornered in that scene. There is some resentment there against Fred Andrews, he clearly believes he did his father wrong. Now that he’s living under his roof plus the fact that Fred helped forge an alibi for him, not sure what he’s gonna think? And how long is he gonna keep the faith in that pathetic excuse of a man called FP? I still wonder why his mom didn’t take him along to her parents? Did he refuse to go? Did he choose to stay with his dad?  Fred making up that alibi for Jughead made me want to applaud him and the next minute I was back at throwing shade at him  because Archie says “You’ve done this before”. Fred definitely seems to have something to hide. 

Also, FP tells Hermione that Lodge took care of the rest of the money. When? How? I thought Hermione was his only conduit. Does he have other people on his job too? Who?

So Jason’s jacket is with FP. So did he torch the car or kill Jason or both or neither? Why would he retrieve that one piece of evidence? I read an interesting theory someplace that FP might actually be Jason’s father (Cheryl being Juggie’s half-sister?? Now this I cannot take!) and he kept the jacket as something to remember his son by. Also Clifford Blossom maybe the real killer since he discovered that Polly was pregnant and did not want the Blossom millions to end up with the Coopers. I don’t know that I buy this theory, but its certainly interesting. Cheryl is supposedly devastated when she learns who the killer is. So it could be one of the Blossoms. But are they that unfeeling and ruthless that would they torture Jason? I’m not really sure about this.

[team-skull-admin]

Since the wonderful and inimitable @ladyzolstice is currently ALSO complaining about Rogue One (which is quite possibly my least favorite blockbuster moviegoing experience since Maleficent) I’m going to jump on the dog pile. Spoilers and negativity below the cut, nerds!

Rogue One is my exhibit A for the easiest trap for modern storytelling to get into - conflating big watercooler moments and crazy deaths for depth. Game of Thrones at its worst is the main offender here, but at its best it earns these moments by building to them slowly and fleshing out its characters via political drama. In lieu of flesh and momentum, Rogue One has given its characters the thinnest of character development and tries to ride on poorly implemented modern war metaphor and fanservice. It fails at both. The movie opens with Mad Mikkelsen arguing about Mediocre Empire Dude who wants him to build the Death Star or something so baby Jyn runs to hide in a hole in the ground until she’s fetched by Forrest Whitaker, who’s apparently friends with Mads. CUE PRESENT where Diego Luna kills a guy so we know the Death Star exists and he’s willing to do whatever it takes and Jyn is now a young adult in a prison train for some reason. Diego and slightly less violent HK-47 bust her out. I’m not going to talk about the droid anymore because Groot did a better job of making you care about it and Vin Diesel literally only had one repeated line and was a fucking tree. Now they’re on desert planet and we enter the second act of the movie, where it’s entirely clear now that someone on the movie team really, really wanted to make a serious modern war metaphor for the first time. How do we know this? Well! Forrest Whitaker is now with an extremist branch of the rebels and is barely kept alive by machines for some reason. It’s not really implied why this happens or anything, I guess the machines are supposed to indicate he got fucked up or something. Diego is taking Jyn to go see Forrest because they caught Imperial Pilot Defector who has a message from Mads about the Death Star and the fact he hid a weakness in it. They go to Desert City for reasons I would have remembered in a better movie but don’t remember in this one and meet Donnie Yen and his bro/queerbait Mandalorian Bolt Thrower. Yen’s been upgraded from “flower vase” to “Jedi stand-in” and generally does a pretty solid job with the tripe he’s given, and Mandalorian Bolt Thrower is a cool straight cop for his craziness. They both deserve a better movie than this one. They’re the best characters and get no development, although it’s possible they’re the best characters because they get no development. Anyway, after a chance run-in where Yen notices Jyn’s force crystal (aside - this is where I’d nail them for casting him as MYSTICAL MARTIAL ARTS MENTOR, but A. it’s not really my fight and B. the idea of force sensitives kinda just floating about and not knowing what the fuck but randomly pulling off crazy shit makes sense for the time period in-universe) Whitaker’s Islamic extremist metaphor attack an occupying Imperial force because this is a serious war metaphor guys and it’s been too long since we had an action sequence and the movie’s starting to get boring (it doesn’t really stop btw). Like seriously, it’s a desert town, they’re wearing robes, they’re using improvised explosives and assault weapons, there’s the token dude with the rocket launcher that’s in every Middle Eastern conflict-era war movie ever made. You could swap the guns and take out the little alien dude and stick this exact scene in an Iraq war movie and everyone’s none the wiser. So this begs the question - does this metaphor/plot thread go anywhere? Nah, not really. Yen and Bolt Thrower save the heroes from the Imperials and Whitaker’s second-in-command takes them to jail cause they killed a few rebels while caught in the crossfire. Around this point Whitaker interrogates Defector with a fucking tentacle monster with mind powers? For some reason? And this plot thread is resolved like five minutes later when Luna talks to him in the next cell and he’s suddenly fine! Who the fuck knows why that scene’s in the movie. Anyway Jyn’s like, basically cribbing from Finn’s plotline in Episode 7 the whole time except her motivations are stated less effectively and she decides to stick around cause Dad or something. Forrest Whitaker dies when the Death Star fires at desert land but it’s only about as effective as a conventional nuclear weapon because plot. I don’t remember if it’s stated why the Empire blows up their source of force crystals for shooting shit with the Death Star but that seems like a plot hole appropriate for this movie.  Mediocre Imperial Man and I Don't Know His Rank at This Point but I Know Him as Grand Moff Tarkin So Let's Go With That have a conversation at this point and everyone gets weird uncanny valley feelings about Tarkin’s face. I thought it was okay, whatever. Anyway, Diego Luna has orders to kill Mads Mikkelsen for some reason even though a trained German Shepard knows it would make more sense to kidnap and torture him for info if he’s gone bad (I mean shit, there are fuckin magical mindreading tentacle monsters in canon!) so he’s awkwardly trying to sneak off to snipe Mads but OH SNAP MEDIOCRE IMPERIAL MAN IS HERE. Jyn runs off to find her dad and Yen/Bolt Thrower team up to provide fire support. Yen has a laser bow for some reason even though a gun has to be easier to aim but it looks cool so who cares. The creators have assumed you’ve gotten bored again so they shoehorned in another action scene around plot development where Mads dies because reasons. So Vader has a conversation around here and he chokes out Mediocre Imperial Man and has a punny quip about choking on your ambitions. A punny quip that’s fanservice to rehabilitate the image of an OG villian is the best part of this movie. Anyway, Diego and Jyn have an argument because character development needs to happen somehow. I guess. Idk. And they take their info about Mads back to the Rebel Base, who needs to know about the crazy thing the imperials are building now. They have an argument and like any good progressives decide to do nothing, so Jyn gives a speech and they remain good progressives and keep up the slacktivism. Diego indicates that he’s changed by rounding up a few dozen soldiers with a death wish who decide to do a poorly planned suicide mission on a major Imperial stronghold to get the Death Star plans. I assume it’s major, I mean I’d probably protect my main data center pretty heavily if I was a dictator. So they fly down to Vietnam and implement their plan - Diego and Jyn attack the data center while everyone else provides a distraction. This amounts to planting bombs everywhere and killing a few patrols to get everyone’s attention. Now, when they were planning this scene, I bet they had great expectations. We’re going to do sci-fi beach landing! This is our Saving Private Ryan! So I had to stifle a laugh when the first area of the main battle in this fucking movie is a Literal Fucking Third Person Shooter Combat Zone, complete with Completely Arbitrary Cargo Crates Conveniently Placed as Cover Points. It’s basically Virmire from Mass Effect, minus Geth. Were Geth on Virmire, I forget? Anyway, once the Rebellion figures out that a few dozen soldiers decides to commit suicide on  Vietnam Virmire this INSPIRES THEM TO ACT and they...send in a bunch of their fleet to assist in the suicide mission. After deciding it was a bad idea like, a few minutes before. Completely arbitrarily. Okay. Anyway, the Game of Thrones bloodbath begins here. The Imperials close the warp gate off the planet and Pilot Defector dies plugging in a radio to let the Rebels know. Donnie Yen and Mandalorian Bolt Thrower both die after arbitrarily moving from Third Person Shooter land to a beach for reasons unexplained. Diego Luna dies TWICE: first in an Assassin’s Creed climbing sequence in the world’s most unwieldy storage room (why the fuck don’t the Imperials have like, servers?) and saves Jyn when Mediocre Imperial Man jumps her on top of the tower that holds The Inexplicable Library of Hard Drives. HK-47 dies as any good HK droid should, by killing a bunch of motherfuckers. Jyn trusts him with a pistol before this happens and in a better movie this would be touching but I never really felt like he was a threat to anybody so I didn’t care. Anyway, Jyn watches an arbitrary countdown happen and Admiral Ackbar senior gets the Death Star plans on his corvette (which fucks up two Star Destroyers by ramming into them, I admit that’s pretty cool) and the Death Star shows up to cut their losses because somehow this dumbass attack that was planned in five minutes was successful and Diego and Jyn die in a nuclear bomb’s glow, hugging. That’s actually a decent ending! Roll credits. Except nah, we totally had to arbitrarily see Vader be a horror villain and fuck shit up for thirty seconds before seeing CG Princess Leia (RIP) so Star Wars nerds get to go HA! THEY RETCONNED SHIT! and normal people don’t care. That should have been a credits stinger. Like, grow a pair and just gun for the coolest credits stinger of all time. The movie is better for it. This quickly devolved into Summary Word Vomit but Rogue One is a bad movie because it’s all bad plot and poorly executed war metaphor over character development. Episode 7 primarily worked because they did the exact opposite. We explicitly know Finn’s reasons for doing what he does, Poe’s, Rey’s. Their actions make sense, and as such their development is earned. Even Kylo Ren stares creepily at a fucked up Vader helmet for thirty seconds. I’m not saying a s serious Star Wars movie can’t work, but if you’re going to attempt it, the characters needed to interact to make the events actually matter. People like Donnie Yen and Diego Luna and Jyn because, in spite of the dour material, they’re good enough actors to get some charm to slip through. In the end, Rogue One is a movie that tells its story via a checklist rather than organically. They wanted X seriousness and Y war metaphor and Z watercooler depths, but forgot that these things work because they’re earned via character development, not in spite of it. I fucking hate this movie.