#this is jokes but it Is funny. meryl streep voice and then I think it was brianna’s taylor swift post wasn’t it?

[sunforgrace]

actually the “I don’t care if x wins I just need destiel to lose” is sort of comical if for nothing else the amount of destiel blogger popular posts which broadly circulate on the regular. what you don’t know is that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually cerulean. to you that’s a 100k post to me that’s my mutual my BROTHER in the trenches. how do you all know each other. man we went to destiel together

[safyresky]

Alright so Ive been having Crystal Springs Actor!Au thoughts where CS is just a live action series (the outtakes/blooper reels I have in my head about this are perfection) BUT! Do you have any irl people that serve as inspiration for how your ocs physically look? Are any of them based on how someone looks in real life.

BONUS: if you had to make an irl cast list to play your ocs irl who would you choose?

Okay. So. Jacqueline. 100%. Was a self insert OC. I am NOT afraid to admit that, and when I say "she is me I am she" I am NOT even joking. (But also I am not delusional lmao, I knwo we're not the SAME PERSON). So I guess Jacqueline SORTA looks like me????? It's funny, she's the ONE CHARACTER IN MY HEAD THAT I DO NOT HAVE A VERY CLEAR IDEA OF HOW SHE LOOKS BC I GO RIGHT. ME. SHE ME. Then I go ANYWAY and sip my iced cappuccino filled with chocolate milk and move on and try not to think too much about it, lol.

Blaise has some inspiration from my partner in crime, the fiance himself, Richard! He gets the shoulders and hair that goes UP from Richard. He's just a bit more square but even then, Richard's main shape I'd say is square. I insist that he doesn't though because it bothers Richard but I am a LIAR. Blaise has Richard vibes and that was on purpose.

But yeah, aside from that, no! Nobody else in CS has looks they share with IRL people I know. When I was 11/12 and making the Frosts, I was like "I'll just use my mom and dad and siblings!" but that was just not feasible bc I couldn't reconcile how they acted (bad) with how the Frosts would act (good), so that idea never flew. My Mom and Dad are just okay at best, Blinter tho? Blinter???? They are ROCK STARS and I want EVERYONE to NEVER FORGET IT

Their relationship is 50% based on me and Richard, and the other 50% is Gomez and Morticia from the 1964 series, mainly :)

Midnight, one of the Time Keepers, was 100% based on my best friend back at home in looks! But aside from those little bits and pieces, most of the cast of CS does not resemble people I know IRL.

AS FOR YOUR BONUS. OH BOY

So I have 0 thoughts on cast for live action. BUT. CAST FOR ANIMATED SERIES? I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS.

Mark Hamil would be Blaise! I think he could pull it off, man's got the RANGE and Blaise has a very specific voice in my head! For Winter, the closest I could get is Emma Thompson with how she sounds in my head. Jacqueline stole my voice, so we've got that going for us! I'd straight up fight any potential Jacqueline actors, I'd be like THERE CAN ONLY BE O N E (me). Besides, most creators of animated shows do one or two voices, so you BET I'd cash in on that >:)

Twins, I've got zero idea who'd voice them. Obvi, Marty is Jack and you can't just replace talent like that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

And Pyros, lmao, I think it'd be funny if Jeff Goldblum voiced him >:). I like the thought. No I will not elaborate (I simply, cannot!)

Ana has some gr8 ideas for Elle if I remember correctly (Zendaya?!?!?!?!) But in my head, Elle sounds like Ana 🙃🙃🙃🙃.

UNFORTUNATELY that's about as far as I've gotten! I also briefly thought Meryl Streep as Winter, but Emme Thompson sounds sooo much closer to Winter in my head that she beat Meryl, the absolute legend.

For the rest of CS characters, I'd want the most UNHINGED VAs possible. The most chaotic actors you can imagine. Feels good, feels right.

OH I'd also replace Scott with Tom Hanks, because A) I like him and B) Tom Hanks (Woody) yelling YOU ARE A TOY and shoving Tim Allen (Buzz) off a roof is a very funny mental image that makes me feel better in the worst of times! :D

[bear-of-varley]

Nintendo pull the trigger and go ahead with a live-action Zelda movie, who are your main cast (Link, Zelda, Ganon, etc.)

The problem is that I don't watch any movies or tv shows to know who is "it" rn. Illumination has a reputation for being really into the celebrity voice actor trope (blegh). I'm also going to assume illumination would play it safe and adapt something close to the original Loz. I don't really have high hopes with illumination tbh so I'm hoping either the rumors aren't true or they prove me wrong.

What is funny is that the consensus is Tom Holland for Link. I don't know enough about male actors, esp young ones all I know are him and Timothee Chalamet. The ideal casting is no one but come on, they're not gonna do that.

Uhh for Zelda, for some reason I think Carey Mulligan would be a good pick but I don't think she voice acts? I did see a joke about Zendaya doing it. I've never seen her act so maybe? Jennifer Lawrence? I don't know if British Zelda will be the norm though. There's some Zelda incarnations I can see having the British accent (oot, TP though oot is a master of disguise) and some who aren't (ww, skyward sword). If we're doing British who can do American, maybe Millie Bobby Brown.

Ganondorf...I'd kill for it to be Mark Hamill please be Mark Hamill but it won't be. They'll probably go for someone storied with an occasional dip into voice acting like Patrick Stewart.

Impa (assuming they're going for older): Helen Mirren or Meryl Streep. If you can't get them then Imelda Staunton. I rest my case.

Beedle: uhh what's his name? The dude who played the raccoon who did that movie with Lady Gaga? Bradley...Bradley Cooper! Yes, the stuff of nightmares. Or just hire Gru himself and get Steve Carell on it.

[moviethoughtswithkate]

The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

I really enjoyed this movie. Meryl Streep was great, of course. She brought a lot to the character by keeping her voice level and quiet. She was fearsome and loathsome but awe-inspiring.

Its treatment of disordered eating is pretty horrendous but sadly realistic. Emily goes on a diet of eating nothing at all except for the occasional cube of cheese; Andy boasts about going from a 6 to a 4. Especially in 2006, off the heels of the 1990s heroin chic supermodel trend, this felt very realistic: the smaller and skinnier you were, the better. I don't think the movie is endorsing this mindset at all, I think it's depicted as one of many negative aspects of the toxic fashion industry. However, depicting it at all draws attention to the enormous elephant in the room which goes pretty much unacknowledged by this movie: the misogyny fueling the fashion industry. Is there any industry has gained as much from the standards placed on women, and women's resulting insecurities?

Obviously, that is not what the movie is trying to be about, and that's fine. Movies can be about stuff other than oppression and misery. The Devil Wears Prada is about Andy's crazy, intense year in a glamorous job in the fashion industry and what happens when work swallows up your life. But it really is hard to ignore the misogyny at the heart of the fashion industry, women pitted against women, its presence ominous and unacknowledged throughout the film. The only time it's really brought up is Andy saying that people are harder on Miranda than they would be if she was a man, but... so? The movie never made me terribly concerned about Miranda's wellbeing being affected by sexism. It definitely made me concerned about her status as a perpetrator of sexism, though, against almost all the other female characters, including Andy. Why should I care about the sexism towards Miranda if it's never shown to affect her in the film?

The Devil Wears Prada is good for what it's trying to be. It achieved what it set out to do, is what I'm saying. My problems with it have to do with the things it didn't set out to do. If you are able to not give a shit about women or misogyny for 2 hours, though, this is a thoroughly enjoyable, funny and original film. I'd actually watched this movie when I was young, maybe 12 or 13 (yikes if you think about the messaging I would've absorbed about misogyny etc but we're pretending that doesn't exist now), and upon this rewatch the jokes hit so much better. Emily being hit by a car and the scene with her and Andy at the hospital? Hilarious. Miranda's deadpan "Florals? For spring? Groundbreaking," was fucking hilarious and my favourite line.

[the-lady-of-stars]

Honey, Honey

Javier Peña x Reader x Steve Murphy

Warnings: A sickening amount of fluff maybe but that's about it.

Summary: It's your turn to pick the film for movie night, so naturally you go with a classic- Mamma Mia

Request: "Hi! Can i request poly Javi x reader x Steve where the reader makes the boys watch her favorite movie (maybe like twilight or something cheesy) and they make remarks and jokes about it the whole time to mess with her and she jokingly starts a pillow fight to shut them up and just something really fluffy? thank youuu❤️ ~nonie🦋"

A/N: Hope you enjoy nonnie! Thank you for such a sweet request! Also I went with Mamma Mia bc for some reason I've never gotten around to watching Twilight

[My Narcos requests are still open for Steve and Javi- I write fluff and angst :) ]

The rules were set. You, Steve and Javi would alternate turns to pick the movie for movie night, and when someone picked one the others weren't allowed to complain about it. Of course, the no complaining rule was never abided but still- it was your turn to pick and your boys would have to deal with it.

While they were getting together beer and snacks you rummaged through your handbag for the tape of tonight's rental - a classic- Mamma Mia. Rom-com, musical, what more could you ask for. Sure, you could have picked some heavy fast-paced action film with an in-depth plot, but extensive hours at the DEA lead to you long for a temporary escape from gunfire and car chases- so Mamma Mia it was.

You slid the tape into the player before retreating to the plush couch and settling down next to Steve. His eyes softened and the stress visibly melted from his face as he looked down at you, a warm smile tugging at his lips. He moved his hand to your chin, tracing a thumb along your bottom lip tenderly before leaning down to repeat the action with his lips, capturing them in his own.

"Hey," Javi's gruff voice interrupted, "no funny business, it's movie night."

"Aww, y' jealous, Peña?" Steve drawled, not lifting his eyes from your gaze as he caressed your skin.

The last thing you heard was a huff before you found yourself tilting backwars with a yelp, Javi bending you back from Steve and pulling you into a passionate kiss. Where Steve's was soft and calming, Javier's was rough and possessive, claiming your lips with a swipe of his tongue. He pulled away with a smirk, leaving you panting breathlessly.

"Me? No, 'course not."

You watched, slightly dazed, as Murph rolled his eyes and flicked a piece of popcorn in Javi's direction, the latter catching it in his mouth with a wink.

"Stop distracting me, it's movie night," you whined, settling back into your space in the middle of the couch.

"What'd you pick, anyway?" Steve asked.

You smirked as you hit the play button, knowing they'd be suffering for your enjoyment for the next two hours.

"Ugh, God" Javier groaned, palming over his face, "another fucking musical."

Steve burst out laughing at the grin on your face, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and squeezing you closer against him.

"Shhhhh- no complaining, Jav, you know the rules," you laughed at the pained expression on his face as he turned his eyes to you from over his hand.

"Fine, fine- okay, just- get it over with."

You grinned, shifting to lie with your head in Javi's lap and your legs in Steve's. You watched as Javi tried to keep up his façade of being grumpy, failing miserably at the sight of your excited eyes beaming up at him, a smile pulling at his mouth.

Three sets of eyes turned to the telivision as the opening number played. You made it about 15 seconds in before Javier began to complain.

"See, why does everyone have to start singing, like what's that about-"

"Shh!" you hushed him, feeling Steve's chest shake as he laughed.

Javier groaned as he took in the lyrics of the song, eyes squinting as he shook his head.

"A love machine? Hells that supposed to mean? I feel like if you're being mechanical in bed it can't be that go-"

"JAVI!" you whined, swatting at his chest.

"Okay, okay, fine, I'll shut up," he raised his hands in surrender.

You got about ten seconds of blissful silence before-

"I think I'd describe myself as a love machine-" Steve started.

"That's not a good thing, Murph, like I said-"

"OHH, will you two please just let me watch the film in peace," you groaned, tipping your head back in defeat.

"Yes ma'am," Steve grinned, petting your thigh lovingly with soft strokes and squeezes.

For the next little while the boys were quiet, Steve still stroking your thigh while Javier played with your hair.

Until Javier once again...

"Why'd they hire that guy, he really can't sing- I mean listen to him!"

"Ah ah ah, I will not accept any Pierce Brosnan slander, thank you very much." You quickly interrupted him, poking a finger up at his chin.

"He is good lookin' though, I mean look at those eyes-" Steve rose his eyebrows and motioned to the screen.

"Isn't that guy almost 70 now?" Javier complained, looking at Steve in disbelief.

"And? Your point is?" you objected. "He's a total DILF!"

Javi sighed deeply, throwing his head back and shaking it lightly.

"Yeah, I'm with her on this one," Steve agreed.

"'Course you are," Javi stated before mumbling "ass-kisser" under his breath.

Javier resigned himself to suffering in silence for the rest of the film, grumpily shovelling handfuls of popcorn into his mouth.

Meanwhile you and Steve were working at the drinks, downing more and more until you became so invested in the musical it became a karaoke. Meryl Streep, as much as you loved her, couldn't hold a candle to Murph's drunken and off-key rendition of 'The Winner takes it all', Javier pretending not to be entertained as you rolled in laughter in his lap with tears streaming from your eyes.

Two hours later the credits finally rolled, causing Javi to sigh in relief. That was, naturally, until the post-credits tune Waterloo began, invoking yet another karaoke rendition from Steve and yourself, Steve holding you upright on your knees on the couch chest to chest.

"Please, no more, you two sound like street cats fighting over the last scrap of meat."

Steve gasped in mock offense before lifting on of the throw pillows and lobbing it in Javier's direction.

"Oh you wanna play it that way, huh? Pillow fight? Like a little girls' sleepover? Well if you're gonna be like that-" Javi leapt up and whacked the pillow against the top of Steve's head. Steve retaliated by launching his body on top of Javi to lie on his chest, taking you with him. Sandwiched between the two play-fighting men you could do little but laugh as they wrestled each other.

Steve grinned as he caught the sensitive spot on Javi's side, causing the latter to laugh heartily at the ticklish feeling. At the look of amusement on your face, Javier turned his attention to you, an idea forming in his head.

"Oh, yeah? Think that's funny do you, baby?" Javi made eye contact with Steve, gesturing for the two of them to shift their attention to their girl. Steve caught the hint, a smirk spreading across his face.

"Guess we'll have to show you just how funny it can be, huh?" Steve simpered.

Javi rolled so that you fell from his chest onto the couch, the two men now resting in a push-up position above you.

"No, no, no- please-" you begged, but it was too late. Two sets of hands skimmed across your skin, instantly locating all of the most ticklish spots as you wailed. Your chest convulsed in laughter, the sound of it mingling with theirs as tears sprang to your eyes.

"Okay- I surrender- please, please!" you sobbed. They finally took mercy on you, stopping their attack and leaning down to lie almost on top of you.

Both boys pressed kisses to all the flesh they could reach around your face and neck, allowing you to feel their smiles against your skin.

You raised both hands and laid one on each of their heads, petting them with all the love you held.

Javi shifted to hold his face over yours, a tender look in his eyes which stole the breath from your lungs. He sent a knowing smile at you then leaned down to capture your lips, the kiss slow and deep. He stroked your cheek, slanting his mouth to meet yours even further. A whimper interrupted your kiss, a jealous Steve nuzzling your jaw with his nose. You laughed breathlessly, beckoning him towards you with a gentle "C'mere, Murph."

Steve headbutted a grumbling Javi out of the way before stealing your lips for himself, the kiss just as meaningful and passionate as the first. He whined into your mouth as you tugged lightly at his hair, his tongue flicking against your lip. His breath brushed against your mouth as he panted longingly.

"Stop hogging, asshole," Javi fussed, trying to wedge his way back to your mouth.

It was going to be a long night, but you'd never complain. You loved them, and you could feel just how much they loved you.

[grav3y-boat]

PROM

Okay, so I’m going to vomit my feelings about the Prom movie right now. 

Spoilers ahead.

Okay, first everything I loved about the movie:

ANDREW RANNELLS ANDREW RANNELLS ANDREW RANNELLS

I love Arianna DeBose so much.

Thinking that theater is for the gays is kind of offensive and completely correct.

James Corden had some actually funny lines, like not just cringey jokes on the side in other movies he’s in. Like, “Stop singing, you’re making me hate god.” made me snort. Like, he’s a good Barry. Accept it. 

ANDREW RANNELLS IN GLASSES

Emma and Alyssa are the wholesome lesbians we all love.

Meryl Streep is always a win

All the songs are lowkey bops

DID I MENTION ANDREW RANNELLS

The choreo slapped IT WAS PRETTY AMAZING

Alyssa’s mom did her job, I wanted to slap her the whole time. Good job.

Okay, and my critisisms:

They cut off some of the songs. Like, the Acceptance Song and and You Happened both got cut off, like what the heck? This made You Happened, which is one of the boppiest bops in the soundtrack lose it’s exciting climax, and that was disappointed. 

Meryl and Keegan’s age difference made me uncomfy

I wasn’t a huge fan of Emma’s character in the movie. Like, the whole movie she was just like 😀 the whole musical. I didn’t like it, and she was boring. Where is her personality? She was way more interesting in the musical, and actually showed emotion on stage. Jo Ellen Pellman is adorable, but she didn’t have any development or personality. The other actors carried her. Her best preformance was when she found out that there was another Prom. I felt her in that scene and I wish that she had brought more of that emotion and vulnerability to the rest of her actions. 

Emma and Alyssa’s relationship was not focused on at all and it made me mad. The barely had any chemistry, and I thought that Kailee and Shelby (the two mean girls) had more chemistry than them. 

Other thoughts:

Overall, I’d give the Prom an 8/10. I love the energy, and the group of Actors (Dee Dee, Barry, Angie, and Trent) so much and they are giving such a great preformance. Ariana and Jo Ellen have beautiful voices and are great together, and I thought it was a faithful adaptation of the stage musical. One of the best musical movies we’ve gotten in a long time. (Because we have to compare it to Cats, it looks even better)

Also Andrew in glasses. The end. 

andrew in glasses make my heart go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[whitmanpumpkin]

I beg that we talk professor!hader 😩

i beg we do, too. because first off there’s the question of whether he’s your flustered english professor (assigned to helping you with your master’s thesis) or if he’s the kind of awkward (but in a sweet way) drama professor every freshman has an opinion on. 

i’m going to come back to the english professor concept, but let’s talk about about the drama professor for the moment.

he’s the professor who you’d never thought to be one. he dresses like a grad student, and one who never really learned to dress in the first place. in fact, on your first day with him, you talked to him like another student because it had never crossed your mind he could ever be the professor. you were hitting your head on your desk for the entire lecture. 

not only does every freshman have an opinion on him (because of course they do), but every other student that’s passed through his doors has one too. there are even some who have never had the guy, who all sigh when you tell them he’s your theatre 120 professor. 

he doesn’t like to be called “professor hader” and would much rather just be called bill. someone calls him william once, and he made sure no one ever did that again. but then someone else joked with him using “billiam” and that slides from time to time, but only because he’s laughing too hard to correct them. 

he likes to write a lot of notes, in sloppy handwriting, during all of your graded performances. at first, you’re terrified he’s writing so much because he’s going to give you a horrible grade, but instead he passes every student and has just given them a full page of constructive criticism that he hopes help them become better. 

and then there’s the fact every student that he has basically has a huge crush on him. those tend to intensify whenever his students see him preform and realize that he’s actually good at what he does. and he’s funny. and he’s great at impersonating the other professors in the program. 

you feel that same futile crush festering around in your ribcage on certain days, which are the same days you repress it. of course, it pops back up a few months later just a little stronger, but it’s not like anything is ever going to come of it. yes, he is the youngest professor and is technically only like 5 or 6 years older than you, but still. ethics, ya know?

you’re lucky enough to snag him for some of the higher level classes. and you’re not exactly the next meryl streep or anything (hence why you weren’t accepted to a conservatory like julliard’s or yale’s) but you think you’re pretty good. 

well, that’s until you get rosalind in as you like it your senior year. 

you knew all of her fun facts before you got the role. she’s the “female hamlet” and has more lines than any other female in shakespeare’s many plays. you just hadn’t prepared yourself for all of those lines, and you can feel your stress levels rising steadily as you start to drill your lines. but with the stress comes when your lines are falling flat during rehearsal, and you can see professor hader trying to hide his look of frustration as he marks his copy of the script. 

that only makes it worse, because now you’re worrying too much about the director’s opinion, and you’re starting to flounder the words all together.

which is when he calls it a day and tells everyone to go home.

“except for y/n. could you stick around for a while?” he asks as everyone else is starting to pack up their things and head out the door. you sigh and nod, praying this isn’t a long talk about the role and the stress levels you’re dealing with right now. you don’t think that you can cry in front of a professor and survive. 

he actually just wants to go over the scene and see where you’re trying to go with the character. “i really think you’re a good actor,” he reassures you. “you just look tense. how can we, uh, how can we fix that?”

“i don’t know,” you say. you can hear the stress rolling off your voice, and you try your best to push that back down when you continue. “would you run a few scenes with me and tell me what i need to work on?”

“sure.” he sounds so reassuring and warm, and you think your worries are starting to fall away – just a little. “what do you want to work on? how about act three?”

and it goes incredibly well. he puts everything into his lines (even if they aren’t technically his) and you’re able to actually feel the rhythm of the words. you feel your heart beating against your ribcage as the scene grows heavier, and orlando’s confessions of admiration to rosalind seem a little too real (but that has to be your imagination) for bill to be acting. but then again, he is a pretty good actor. 

after that rehearsal, you have a newfound bounce in your step and rehearsals continue to go well. 

and even through hell week, you’re doing pretty good. 

but then you notice that maybe bill isn’t? like he’s not laughing as much during run throughs, and in his lectures he’s not as prepared. plus, he looks exhausted. so, there’s that. 

you decide to knock on the door of his office one day, which is decorated in old movie and play posters, lit only by some lamps emitting a warm glow that covers the room. he has his head on his desk and he doesn’t even try to look professional for you, instead just lifting his head and wiping his face as he asks “what can I do for you, y/n?”

“i just came to check on you,” you admit. “are you doing okay?”

he doesn’t respond for a second, and then he sighs. “are you okay with shutting the door?”

you don’t mind at all, and hear it click shut. you take a seat in one of the chairs near his desk, but not the one that would have you opposite of him. there’s one in a corner that looks comfortable. 

you give him a look that says “spill”, and he laughs a little. but he talks, gently and a little reserved, about his stress and the fact that it’s only like the second show he’s directed in the program. so, he’s pretty nervous – but not about you. “you’re doing great,” he makes sure to say. he adds, “you’re always great” just a little quieter. 

you feel blush creeping up your cheeks. 

the two of you continue the conversation for another twenty minutes or so, and it only ends because you have another lecture to get to. 

he looks a little better the rest of hell week. when he doesn’t, you send encouraging smiles his way and thumbs up. he chuckles sometimes; other times he just smiles back. 

the run goes incredibly well. you don’t know why you were so worried to begin with, because it was like wearing a glove when you played rosalind. plus, it helped having an orlando that actually looked at you as though he was smitten. 

when the last show was over and done with, bows and thanks all done, you plopped down in your dressing room. the other girls in the room were all chatting about whether or not to go to the party that “orlando” (real name jack) was having that night. you planned on going, you just needed to do a few things first. 

as the other girls headed out and carpooled away and into town, you headed upstairs and back to bill’s office. the lamps were on, and you could see the tall outline of bill in a suit from the other side of the frosted glass. he looked good in a suit.

you knocked. 

when he opened the door, his eyes met your and there was such a joy in his eyes to see you. “the star of the hour!”

“the director of the hour!” you reply as you step inside. you shut the door without thinking about it, and lean up against the sturdy wood. your eyes glance over to his desk, where there’s a small bottle of whiskey opened. 

his eyes follow yours over. “do you want one?” bill asks. your shrug serves as a ‘why not?’ and soon enough, he’s pulling a glass out of one of his filing cabinets and handing a drink to you. he’s refilled his own as you toast to a great show. 

“hey, i couldn’t have done it without you.” he says. 

“and i, you.”

you both take the shot of the amber without much resistance, and it burns the back of your throat while you slam it back onto his desk. “it’s rough, i know.” he sighs. 

“no, it’s good.” you say. “why not have another?”

and that’s kind of how you end up having three more glasses? by which point, you can start to feel the heat rising up your neck and in your cheeks, which definitely means there’s a buzz going. getting drunk with a professor? something you never thought you’d do, but here you are. 

and as coincidence would have it, the lightbulb from the lamp he has goes out, plunging the room into darkness. you fumble up to try and turn on the real light to the office, but you don’t notice that he’s trying to do the same thing until his hand overlaps yours on the light switch. 

neither of you flip it.

you’re too entranced by how warm his hand feels, and how you feel him take a step closer. he’s right behind you now, and you don’t think you have an issue with it. 

you turn around to face him, only to find that he’s staring right at you. you don’t notice the missing warmth of his hand anymore, too invested by the fact his chest is rising and falling slowly, but so slow that you think he’s having to control his breathing. his eyes meet yours. you’re going to blame it on the drinks, but you lean up and press your lips to his. 

you expect him to pull away, but he does no such thing. instead, he takes the upper hand and kisses you with such a ferocity that your back hits the wood of the door and your feet lift off the floor just a tiny bit. his arms snake around you and up into your hair, pulling at the pinned portions used to hold your wig in place. 

your hair tumbles down in curls and he just gathers it back up in his hands as he holds you steady. you’re glad he is, because your legs are weak and feel like jello. 

when he finally pulls away to get a good look at you, you’re trying to do the same. even in the dark you can see his face is flushed, and you’ve managed to completely destroy the neat hairstyle he had pulled off for the night. and you’re not sure why that feels so good. 

[fortheloveofskz]

I give up. as long as B’s happy and cg doesn’t break her heart

That last story... I’m done officially. I don’t want to clown

From what I noticed when it’s too quiet in this fandom shits bout to go down ...

I WANT B TO MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY JUST NOT WITH A GUY WHO USES #PLANTPORN

Said in a whiny, high-pitched, mocking voice “I’m going to die alone...” 🤥🙄

Insert Meryl Streep scream

All yall that are hanging up your suits are fake clowns 😩 if it turns out they're not together you're not allowed back into the circus 🤧

I feel so bad for vanjie 😔

I will be a clown till I DIE.

Maybe b and v are actual friends and were talking on facetime once and david was there and said hi to b and thats why he followed him. Like a goodwill friendly gesture of go for it move on i support you. Also theory that vs recent eyeroll story was when she found out from shangela cg was going to mexico

I mean I don’t think B has been suggestive for a long time ? Apart from the libra filter shit but I think that was just for fun.

"has commitment issues" "want freedom" "not ready to include someone else in life plans" "single" , okay so that was now obviously BS, now tell the truth coward, why did you really break up

After today I now think the libra post was kind of Cruel. Specifically to Vanjie. I am all for B moving on or what ever but everyone know how V is and that libra story was too much. Like the libra story isn’t even funny now.

Y'all can't ask B & V not to interact and not make jokes (even suggestive ones) BECAUSE WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEIR FRIENDSHIP. We're all speculating, but what we think is happening might not be the truth! My friend and her ex still make suggestive jokes between them and it's nothing more than friendship. Y'all need to be careful when you judge one of them (or both) because we really don't know anything. Saying that V still loves B because she liked her posts, etc. is what? Clownery. Be careful

So here are all my recent asks...they are pretty much all in response to CG and B so even though they are conflicting I am lumping them together because I am tired y’all. I am putting down my phone and going to get lost in a book and then some Schitt’s Creek. Feel free to keeping sending me asks but they may not be posted until tomorrow. It’s been a day! Thanks all!😘

[artificialqueens]

How Far I'll Go Chapter Six (Ninex) - Mia Ugly, Meggie

A/N: We’re baaaaack! Hi hello how are you? LIFE is crazy. We’re so sorry it took so long to get this chapter to you guys, but honestly, Snatch Game was probably the hardest thing we’ve written. It’s hard to be funny. I’m going to be way nicer to queens who do badly on Snatch Game from here on out because it’s not easy, mama. Anyway. We hope you enjoy this SUPER MEGA SIZED CHAPTER (10.5k!) to make up for the super long hiatus. And hopefully we’ll be back with more very soon. Come visit us on our blogs: @mia-ugly and @artificialmeggie

Previously: The runway was purple, but Blair’s Scarlett O'Hara realness wasn’t enough to save a poor performance and she was sent packing. Brooke and Vanjie are (most definitely) probably still messing around, and Nina and Monet had a moment backstage when Nina narrowly avoided elimination. Or was it a moment? Oh, and Nina’s probably losing his mind.

To come: Katya, Snatch Game, a hotel bar date, and a musical number.

Nina wakes up and is still on Drag Race.

He might be having some kind of a nervous breakdown (and breaking into song periodically) but that’s showbiz, kid.

And now it’s time for the fucking Snatch Game.

Shower, shave, dress.

Prepare for another sloppy Branjie moment in the elevator (and thank God, Nina gets to avoid that for a change). Nina Bo’nina is riding down alone, and the two of them chat distractedly on their way to the conference room.

A few of the mentors are there, but no Monét and no Trixie.

Nina tries not to let that bother him as he nibbles his toast and drinks his coffee. He’s focused this morning, ready for whatever happens next. He’s been thinking about Snatch Game since the moment he got the All Stars call, is determined that this is going to be his challenge (of course, he might have had that thought about the last challenge too… No, nope, move the hell on, girl.)

Nina doesn’t see Brooke until they film the Werk Room entrance. The man looks exhausted. There are circles under his eyes that the makeup guy has done his best to cover, but it’s still obvious Brooke is not at his best. It makes Nina remember that - no matter how stupid the Canadian is being about Vanjie (and no matter what sort of history he has with Nina’s equally stupid heart), Nina still loves him. Will probably always love him in some kind of way.

“No coffee this morning?” he asks quietly as they’re waiting to get mic’d.

“Not enough.” Brooke pulls down his hideous knitted beanie (where the hell does he keep getting those? A P.A. should - frankly - take them away.)

“Have a late night?” Nina doesn’t really want to know, but if Brooke needs to talk about it -

“Oh no. No. Just - thinking.” He rolls his neck. “Like - we know what’s coming up, right? And last season - it wasn’t my best look.”

Nina barks out a an embarrassingly loud laugh. “No kidding.”

“You didn’t have to find it that funny.”

“It’s pretty funny.”

“You’re a dick, you know that? No matter how sweet Monét thinks you are.”

This makes Nina stop laughing. “Sorry - what?”

“He was just going on about you when he was watching Asia film our scene last episode. Like - ‘try this, Nina does this, blah blah.’”

Nina doesn’t know what to think about that. It makes him feel a bit warm and light-headed, but absolutely incapable of responding.

“Clearly you’ve got her fooled. I know what you’re really like.”

“Haha, yeah.” Nina’s voice is weak and he hopes to God Brooke doesn’t immediately clock his blush. Luckily, Vanjie chooses that moment to start flirting with the sound guy, and Brooke’s attention is suddenly elsewhere. Yes, yes, that’s good. Nina will have to keep Vanjie close by at all times, just in case he needs to distract Brooke.

They all romp into the Werk Room together, Shea and Asia working their few seconds in the doorway for all it’s worth (“pose for me, pose for me, POSE”). They talk a bit about Blair going home, but before they can say much about it there’s the sound of a video message, and the television flickers to life.

“Ladies,” Ru’s face comes onto the screen. “I picked you queens for All Stars because you represent the best of the best. But on second thought… I think I’d like to see some other queens in your place. Sorry, not sorry.”

The video ends.

“What the hell does that mean?” Shea asks.

“Nah, nah.” Vanjie is shaking his head in denial. “We don’t need no more hos up in here. We got too many of y’all already.”

“Hello, hello, hello!” The door opens and Ru comes into the Werk Room, followed by the mentors. Nina tries to smile and look as excited to see Ru as he’s always supposed to be, but - he can’t help being worried about whatever the hell twist is coming up. (Monét winks at him as he comes in, so that’s something. Nina will keep that one brief moment like a diamond in his pocket.)

“Ladies, for this week’s maxi challenge, it’s time for another All Star Edition of Snatch Game!”

Most of the queens around Nina are delighted - except Brooke. Nina can see him smiling, but it’s fragile and fake, and his arms are folded very tightly around himself, legs crossed at the thigh even though he’s standing; a clear indication he’s stressing.

“This time, however, to celebrate my recent single ‘Queens Everywhere’— available now on iTunes—we’re going to do things a little bit differently. I know you’re all amazing queens, but for this Snatch Game, I’d like to see if you have any other queens inside you.” Ru raises a suggestive eyebrow. “Not to give Miss Vanjie an unfair advantage.”

Vanjie’s jaw drops even as he laughs, mutters “shade” through his perfect teeth.

“For this Snatch Game, I’m asking you to channel one of your sisters. We’ve had a lot of iconic queens on this series, so you’ll have plenty of personalities to choose from. And luckily you’ve got some experts here for inspiration. Hashtag Snatch Game All Stars. Gentleman, start your engines. And may the best All Star… win!”

“The fuck?” Vanjie whispers to Nina as soon as Ru leaves. “Bitch, I had a damn plan. I brought the little gold trophies and everything. Watched all the fucking movies. Now I got to be one of y’all’s tired asses? That ain’t fair.”

“Trophies, like - you mean Oscars?”

“Sure, whatever.”

Nina has to admit that he’s kinda thrilled about this twist. He’d been telling anyone who will listen who he was going to be for the Snatch Game if he ever got another chance. He’d had a couple back-ups, of course (they’d all been told to bring a former queen, so honestly, they should have seen this coming from a mile away), but this really couldn’t have gone better for him.

He feels bad for some of the other queens though, especially Vanessa (the bitch was prepped to do Meryl Streep - Brooke’s idea, and a fucking hilarious one. He’d kill to see it).

“X-Queens assemble,” Monét calls over at him, and Nina pats Vanjie on the shoulder, goes off to sit with Monét and Asia.

Monét looks good. Real good. He’s in some loud patterned sweatshirt that has tiny slices of pizza all over it, and another pair of thick-rimmed glasses (white, or maybe baby pink?), and he’s smiling at Nina like - no, nope. Move along.

“It’s actually the Avengers that assemble,” Asia tells Monét, who rolls his eyes at her.

“Girl, you can’t be a bigger nerd than me. I won’t accept it.”

“Yeah, ‘cause knowing about the Avengers is real obscure, serious fan-only shit.”

“The shade, Miss Asia! Nina West, are you going to defend your mentor?”

Nina holds his hands up. “You’re the fearless leader, you got this.”

“The pair of you.” Monét shakes his head. “All right, what you got for Snatch Game?”

“I’ma be Brown Cow Stun-ning, yes, honey.” Asia pops her tongue after a pretty admirable impression of Monique Heart.

“And Miss Nina West?” Monét is looking at him with an eyebrow raised. Nina wonders if he’s heard the interviews, if he already knows.

“Miss Vaaaanjie,” Nina says, “Bitch, you know I don’t play games. Don’t play Monopology, Uno, Twistah, Tag, Marbles -”

“Jesus Christ, stop it.” Monét is covering his face with his hands, while Asia is cackling. “Does she know?”

“Not yet.”

“She will live. Okay, okay, I ain’t worried about either of you. Take me straight to the finale, win me that serious mentor coin.”

They run through a couple ideas for jokes, focusing more on Asia (who struggled last time and still has a bit of anxiety flaring behind her contacts). There’s a break for lunch, but it’s weirdly quiet, subdued. Snatch Game is an opportunity to stand out, to prove you deserve to be there. It’s also an opportunity to crash and burn in front of Ru, the judges, and later on - the world. So there’s that.

After lunch everyone starts putting on their paint, fixing their wigs. The cameras zoom in to get some Werk Room chatter about who is playing who, and of course they’re all dying for Vanessa’s reaction (as soon as he sees Nina pull out his pink-petalled Barbie-head dress from its garment bag, the pussycat’s out of the Prada bag).

“Noooo, bitch,” Vanjie shouts across the room, but he’s smiling. “Oh, I’mma have to whup your ass if that’s what I think it is.”

“Deuces!” Nina shouts back at him, throwing up the sign as well, while Brooke covers his face.

“That ain’t right, it ain’t right. Thought we was friends, sis.” Vanjie is laughing about it, though; Nina knows they’re cool.

“Who are you playing, Miss Shea Coulée?” Asia calls over to her sister, who is fussing with a nasty looking green wig.

“Paaaarty…” Shea drags out the word, working that vocal fry for all she’s worth. “I’m going to be Adore Delano, darling.”

Nina Bo’nina Brown thinks this is the funniest thing she’s ever heard, can’t speak for laughing so hard. Shea seems entertained by it at first, but her smile starts to tighten a little after the laughter continues a bit too long.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just - good luck, girl.”

“Who are you doing then?”

“Yeah,” Cracker interjects. “You were Jasmine Masters for your season’s Snatch Game right? The judges loved it.”

“Right. So why mess with perfection? I’m going to do Miss Jasmine Masters.”

A couple of the girls stop what they’re doing when she says this.

“You’re going to play the same queen?” Cracker repeats, a bit shocked.

“Yeah. I was sickening last time, I’ll be sickening this time.”

“Aren’t you worried that they’ll read you for not showing them what else you can do?”

“Nah. They’re gonna be laughing too hard.”

“Mmmm…” Vanjie makes a low, skeptical noise.

“Trust and believe, Vanjie,” Nina B. calls over to her. “Trust and believe.”

The cameras have to reset then to film Ru’s entrance into the Werk Room, and catch all the queens’ “surprised” reactions.

“Hello hello hello, kitty girls!”

Nina beams, claps his hands, that whole production. He’s feeling pretty good though - the energy is real. He’s actually excited for this challenge, ready to show Ru what he can do. (That’s how he felt last year too, then Silky went and yanked the win right out from under him. But no time to dwell on that now.)

“How are my All Stars? I thought I’d take a little look-see at what you were planning for us. And I brought along one of our extra special guest judges to help me out.”

From behind Ru, Katya Zamolodchikova comes in waving and smiling, teeth glowing white against her red lipstick.

“Oh my god! Get your own thing!” Trixie yells from across the room, and Katya does that ridiculous/adorable silent laugh that Nina has seen on “UNHhhh” too many times to count.

“Thanks for coming, Katya!” Ru says cheerfully.

“No problem, Ru. Thanks for unlocking the attic door!”

“Well, it was a special occasion. And I was feeling generous.”

They go from station to station, cameras following them around silently, and Nina fusses a bit with his dress while eavesdropping on their conversations with the other queens. There is a bit of concern for Brooke, who’s playing Detox (no big surprise there). How is Brooke going to make Detox funny seems to be the main issue. Nina has the same question. Brooke seems more confident than last season, though, so Ru and Katya wish him luck.

There’s some controversy over Nina Bo’nina playing Jasmine again, but the girl won’t be convinced to try something else. Nina listens to some of the critiques, ignores some of the others. He’s interested, but he also knows he needs to focus on his own performance, and not get in his head. He’s not as bad as Brooke at over-thinking things, but no one goes into goddamn musical theatre who isn’t at least a little bit destroyed (psychologically speaking. Okay, maybe also a bit romantically. It’s fine).

“Nina West!” Ru says close to Nina’s ear, and he almost jumps a foot in the air. (Girl, Katya is standing four feet away from you, be cool, be cool.)

“Hello, hello, hello Christine,” he says, immediately launching into his Vanjie impression. Both Ru and Katya laugh - and Katya’s smile up close is completely unfair, like a smile cut out of paper, perfect and sharp-edged.

(“I don’t know her!” Vanjie shouts from across the room.)

“So who are you going to be?” Katya asks, completely straight-faced, as soon as she and Ru have stopped laughing.

“I don’t know, still making up my mind,” Nina says, back in his normal voice.

“And the uh -” Ru gestures to the hideous floral Barbie dress, “gown?”

“Do you like it? One of my best gowns. What’s funny?”

Katya is wheeze-laughing. Katya is wheeze-laughing because of something Nina said! He stores that one next to the Monét gem from earlier; hopes to have enough for his own tiara in the unthinkable event that he doesn’t win.

“Now on Season 11’s Snatch Game, you were hilarious, you played -”

“Harvey Fierstein and Jo Anne Worley-”

“Yes! And really, it might have been one of the strongest performances in Snatch Game herstory.”

Nina smiles gratefully (only slightly furious that Ru’s saying this despite the fact that Nina didn’t win. He deserved to win).

“So how can you possibly outdo yourself this time?”

“I’m not trying to outdo myself, I’m trying to do something different. Like Katya, when you played Björk -”

“Yes, yes, back to me,” Katya says, nodding.

“Completely different from Suze Orman, but still so funny. That’s what I’m going to do. Just - mix it up.”

“All right, Nina, good luck. Can’t wait to see it,” Ru says, moving on.

It’s fine. It’ll be fine.

As soon as Ru and Katya leave the Werk Room it’s a mad dash to get dressed and made up and before Nina knows it, before he can light a bunch of candles on an altar and find whatever religion will bring him the most luck, they’re all being rounded up and led into the studio for the Snatch Game.

Okay.

Okay.

Brooke’s Detox look is iconic, the yellow and black striped bandage dress from the Season 5 premiere (probably borrowed from Detox herself) hugs his perfectly padded body, but he’s absolutely trembling as he walks beside Nina. Nina has to squeeze his shoulder, tell him it’ll be fine.

“It’s fun, Brooke. Just have fun with it,” he murmurs as he hits the bright studio lights, has to blink until his vision adjusts (the first thing he sees is Monét and Nina’s blinded by him).

Okay.

The mentors are sitting along the sidelines, ready to watch the show play out. Nina wasn’t expecting that, but it’s - fine. Monét smiles at him, and Nina’s going to use that smile as a good luck charm - a rabbit’s foot, a four leaf clover, whatever. It’s impossible not to feel lucky when someone who looks like Monét goddamn X Change smiles at you like that.

“Welcome to the first All Stars ‘Queens Everywhere’ Snatch Game!” Ru says after they’re all mic’d and seated, upbeat music playing behind him. “Let’s meet our contestants.”

Katya beams from where she’s sitting behind her glittery podium and microphone.

“It’s everyone’s favorite queen that we found digging in the dumpster outside - Katya!”

“And yet I’m still hungry!”

Katya smiles at Ru and then snaps her teeth at the other queens.

“And - just when you thought we’d finally seen the last of her - halleloo! It’s Shangela!”

Shangela raises one hand in the air, nodding seriously. “That’s right, I’m back again, bitches. And I ain’t even in a box this time, baby.”

“Ladies, are you ready to meet the queens?”

“Yaaaaaaaaaas,” they answer in tandem.

They reset so that Ru can film the introductions, and Nina’s heart starts rattling like bones in a bag. He’s buzzing with adrenaline and nerves, but he’s going to channel that into a goddamn win. That’s right, he tells his inner saboteur - you can fuck off. This challenge is mine.

“The heart of Season 10 - Monique Heart is here!” Ru starts with Asia, whose Monique look is extremely correct.

“Hello world! Hello America! Are you brown cow stunning?” She tosses Ru a ridiculous cow-patterned baseball cap. Ru briefly feigns excitement before throwing it over his shoulder in distaste.

“Burn that,” he murmurs to one of the camera crew. “Next up, we have the original party-queen - Adore Delano!”

Shea Coulee stretches her arms in the air before making a peace sign, growling “Party,” in a gravelly voice.

“How are you doing Adore?”

“I mean, I’m good, you know? Like. Excited to be back. Where am I again?”

Nina has to turn his mouth into his shoulder to stifle the laugh that bubbles to his throat immediately. He wasn’t sold on it when they were discussing it in the Werk Room, but Shea is killing it as Adore. Her voice, her delivery is hilarious. The makeup is flawless. Her perpetual open mouth is complete perfection. As always, Shea Coulee is slaying the competition. Nina’s stomach gives a nervous jolt, so he sucks in a deep breath and reminds himself to pay attention.

He realizes he’s missed Ivy’s introduction, but Katya is gagged at the illusion of, well - Her - that Ivy is turning today. A mid-length honey blonde wig barely brushes Ivy’s shoulders and her red bustier is covered in rhinestones (and, of course, the scythe and hammer.) The look is great. The accent, on the other hand… Nina sighs a little, but tries not to get comfortable, regardless of how terrible Ivy’s Russian accent is.

Vanjie is seated at the end of the top row, decked out in red lace, a large pair of dark sunglasses balanced precariously on her nose. There’s no denying the air about her: Miss Vanjie is living Miss Valentina’s French vanilla fantasy, and no one could doubt it.

Ru beams at him. “Valentina! How wonderful to see you again!”

Vanjie draws in a deep breath. “That’s right, Ru, it’s me - Valentina. I’m back, and this time, I just want you to know, I fully learned all the words to ‘Greedy.’”

“Excellent! You want to sing us a verse right now?”

“No,” Vanjie answers, extremely primly, and even in his gravelly voice, the delivery is enough to make Ru laugh.

“Maybe next time.”

“Probably not.”

Then Ru’s looking at Nina and - oh, god, why did he think coming back for All Stars was a good idea again?

“Miss Vaaaaaanjie is here!” Ru trills.

Nina sucks in a deep breath and - “What’s the grease, mama?”

Down the row, Brooke buries his face in his hands, but his shoulders bounce with laughter. Ru is giggling loudly. Even Katya and Shangela are agape at the spot-on impression like it’s the first time he’s done it, the first time they’ve heard it.

He lets himself relax a little.

“Three seasons in a row.” Ru consults his cue cards. “Girl, aren’t you tired of competing yet?”

“Mmhmm.” Nina shakes his head vehemently, the wig he pilfered from Vanjie weeks ago flying around his shoulders. (He really does owe Brooke one for that.) “Nah, girl, you know I’m still trying to get my own show. Like Vanjie of Love or some shit like that. You know, something where these triflin’ hos gotta pay me some damn attention.”

In his periphery, Nina catches Brooke cut his eyes to him. He hopes this is okay. They haven’t really discussed the Branjie territory in regards to his jokes, but he kind of assumed it was fair game. Besides, he isn’t planning on directly hurting anyone’s feelings. He’ll keep it light, keep it fun. Besides, they’re the ones who marketed their portmanteau and gave the profits to charity. It’s practically public domain at this point.

“Next up we’ve got - oh my goodness, it’s Jasmine Masters!”

Nina Bo’nina gives Ru an extremely “over it” look. “Yeah, and I got something to say.”

“Now Jasmine - no tea, no shade, but haven’t you been on Snatch Game before?”

There’s a bit of an awkward pause before Nina Bo’nina waves him away.

“Bitch, I’ve got something more to say.”

Ru chuckles a bit, “I bet you do,” and moves on to Brooke.

“Another former All Star contestant, welcome Detox!”

Brooke looks sullen and concerned. He gives a little nod at Ru and the contestants.

“Detox, what’s the matter? You don’t look happy to be here.”

“Oh, am I not smiling?” Brooke asks through his extremely full, painted-on lips. “I can’t feel anything above my neck.” He shapes his mouth into a grotesque smile using his hands, and Ru almost doubles over. Okay, okay. Nina feels a little less worried about Brooke.

“And last but not least, we have - um, Aquaria! Hey girl!”

“Hi Ru!”

“Aquaria, is that the new way you’re spelling your name?” Cracker has written Acwareea on her name-card. A couple letters are backwards.

“Huh?” Cracker looks down at the name card. “Oh, I can’t spell my name. Actually, I can’t spell anything.”

“Okay then.”

“You know, some girls chose to read books, I chose to turn looks.”

“Yeah, you did! Now let’s get ready to play the Snatch Game!”

They break for a few adjustments on the cameras and microphones, and Nina tries not to hyperventilate, and then fuck - they’re rolling again.

“Here we go. The first question is for Katya. Katya, All Stars Season 1 paved the way, and brought back some of the most celebrated queens of all time to compete. This time, instead of competing in pairs, the queens are competing in BLANK.”

Be funny, be funny, be fucking funny. Nina tries to think like Vanjie and writes down an answer as soon as he’s got one, hoping it will be good enough.

“Okay, pens down. Katya?”

“I said competing in traction.”

“In - traction?”

“Yeah, you know, when all the bones in your body are broken and you’re in the hospital bed with your leg in the air.”

“That would certainly be a different kind of competition.”

“I’d watch it,” Katya says seriously, and Ru laughs.

“Let’s go to the Queens and see if we have any matches. Miss Valentina. What did you write down?”

Vanjie has put a lace mask on over the bottom of her face. She mumbles something indecipherable.

“What was that?” Ru asks. Vanjie mumbles something again.

“Valentina,” Ru says, clearly picking up on the joke. “Take that thing off your face.”

“I’d like to keep it on please.”

Ru shakes his head slowly, and at last Vanjie removes her mask.

“Now, Valentina. What did you write?”

Vanjie flips her card over, and Ru starts to wheeze with laughter. “That’s what I wrote down. I’d like to keep it on please.“

Vanjie’s Valentina voice is slipping, but she’s hella charming anyway, as always.

“I’m sorry, my dear, but that is not a match. Moving on to Aquaria - oh! You’ve got a new outfit.”

Miz Cracker was scrambling to put on a new wig and geometric headpiece made of iPhones while Ru was speaking to the contestants. She looks great, and she’s killing Aquaria’s affected head wobble.

“This season the queens are competing in BLANK.”

Cracker flips her card to reveal Aquaria’s instagram URL. “I wasn’t born when All Stars Season 1 aired, so I just wrote this.”

“Oh, okay - not a match.”

“I’m young,” Cracker insists, and Ru nods, patiently.

“We all were once. What did Miss Vaaaaanjie have to say?”

“I said we’d have to compete in swimsuits,” Nina says, flipping over his card.

“Swimsuits?”

“Yeah. Cause maybe then Michelle won’t read my ass for filth every damn week.”

Ru gapes at him, like he can’t believe he just came for Michelle in Snatch Game.

“Swimsuits be glamor when everybody else is doing them too, bitch!” Nina pops his tongue.

Ru laughs, high and clear, and then turns to the other Nina. “What about you, Jasmine? What do you have to say?”

Nina Bo’nina slaps her hands on the table and purses her lips. “We gonna be competing in making viral videos to get Justin Bieber’s attention, Ru.”

The room — pauses while Ru tries to save face with a polite chuckle. Nina West can practically hear the shade rattle sound effect that will inevitably be edited in at this exact moment.

Jasmine Masters probably wasn’t Nina Bo’nina’s best option (anyone could have told her that and, good god girl, they really tried). It’s not working. Nina doesn’t think any of it’s working.

Ru clears his throat, shakes his head. “I’m certain you could teach them a thing or two about that, but unfortunately, it’s not a match.”

Nina Bo’nina shrugs.

Ru shuffles his cue cards and moves on. “This next question is for Shangela. In All Stars Season 2, we changed things up by letting the queens choose who would be eliminated. This season, as well as eliminating each other, the queens will have to BLANK each other.”

There’s the scribbling of markers from the queens around Nina (who like to think he’s got this answer down blind.)

“Okay, pens down. Shangela? This season, the queens will also have to…”

“I knew what y’all were looking for, because y’all are nasty…” Shangela turns her card around. “But I’m a lady, so I said they’d have to ‘tuck’ each other.”

“Tuck each other!”

“Sometimes a girl needs a helping hand, mama.”

“Ain’t that the truth. Let’s see if we have any matches! Katya, what did you say?”

Ivy looks a bit startled to be called on first, but she beams with her red lips, flips her card over. “I said eat each other. To consume each other’s power and fill the gaping void that lives -” She pats her chest. “Right here.”

Katya (the real Katya) shrieks, but Ru shakes his head.

“I’m sorry, that’s not a match.”

“Da,” Ivy says solemnly, in her terrible Russian accent. “Da. It never is match. Like me and Trixie. Match but… No match.”

And, okay, Nina might imagine it, but it seems like the studio goes eerily quiet as everyone waits for Trixie’s reaction. She’s smiling, but it looks forced. Katya clears her throat but laughs, which seems to dispel the weird tension that formed.

Ru, oblivious to the entire thing, moves on. “Miss Vaaaanjie, what did you say?”

Nina sighs and flips his card, feeling pretty pleased with himself. “I said date each other. You know, I still be lookin’ for that Notebook shit.”

“Oh yeah, we know. No more Post-Its, right?”

“No more Post-Its, never again. I ain’t got the time, Mary!” He glances over at Brooke, raises his eyebrows seductively. “Hey, how you doin’?�� Behind him, the real Vanjie mumbles something under his breath.

“I’m sorry, my dear, that’s not a match.”

“Bitch, it might be!” Nina says, still looking at Brooke, and Ru bends over laughing, stomping his foot into the ground. It’s adrenaline, it’s power, it’s like Nina knows this challenge is his.

“You ain’t even know!” he continues, channeling angry Vanessa as much as possible. “Just ‘cause one tall blonde bitch did me wrong don’t mean they all will. Shit.” Nina crosses his arms over his chest, leans back in his chair, sees Brooke duck his head and blink rapidly a few times.

That might have been too much. He just got caught in the moment and… Fuck. Dial it back a little, but stay focused.

“Moving on to Aquaria,” Ru says. Aquaria, this season the queens will have to BLANK each other.”

“I said ‘copy each other,” Cracker says tightly, in Aquaria’s low voice. “And it’s too bad Miz Cracker isn’t here. Maybe then she would have won something.”

“Oho!” Ru laughs, a bit scandalized. “Not a match, my dear.”

Cracker shrugs and throws the card over her shoulder. “Someone save that so I can call and ask Cracker if she wants more of my sloppy seconds.”

“Adore Delanoooo!” Ru trills the last syllable as he turns to Shea, who tosses the long green waves over her shoulder.

She flashes Ru one of Adore’s signature winking, mouth-open, tongue-out smiles with a peace sign.

“What did you write down, darling?”

“I said ‘party with each other,’” Shea drawls in Adore’s affected tone, adding more fry than is entirely necessary, but it gets the point across. She’s goofy and perfect.

“Party with each other,” Ru repeats.

“Yeah! I mean, you guys all look super cool. I’d hang out with you, smoke a blunt, eat some pizza. You know, party!”

Ru tsks. “Sounds like a great Tuesday night, but unfortunately not a match.” He turns to face the contestants, where Katya is sitting with her hands folded primly on her stack of cards. “Back to Katya! In All Stars Season 3, BenDeLaCreme shocked the judges by sending herself home. This season, Michelle Visage will shock everyone by BLANKING herself.”

Katya takes a minute to ponder, pressing her index finger to her lips then writes something on her card. Nina and the other queens follow suit, and when their time is up, Katya is smiling ferociously.

“Let’s see what our contestant put down. Katya?” Ru faces her. “Michelle Visage will shock everyone by doing what?”

Katya clears her throat. “I could have gone the obvious route, you know.”

“Obviously,” Ru says.

“Instead, I said, ‘sacrificing herself.’”

“Sacrificing herself?”

“With fire. To the Gods, honey.”

“Okay… Any particular God?”

“…Satan.”

“Of course. Let’s go to our queens. Detox, this season Michelle Visage will shock everyone by…”

Brooke flips his card over. “I said motorboating herself. I mean, if anyone could do it -”

“I don’t know how shocking that would be… but either way, I’m sorry, not a match. Vanessa Vanjie Mateo! What did you say, my dear?”

Nina flips over his card. “I said cloning herself.”

“Cloning herself?”

“Mmm-hmm. Need two of her to manage your ass.”

Ru laughs, and Nina thanks every God he knows the name of. The burn landed!

“And now she got that done, she’s gonna clone me some Canadian bacon.”

“Is that right?”

“Hell yeah it is.” Nina does not look at Brooke or Vanjie. “But only the good parts, baby. Trim all the fat; I’m a growing girl, need more protein in my diet.”

“Bitch, you couldn’t handle that much protein,” Vanjie-as-Valentina cuts in, and Ru fans himself.

“A controversial question! Let’s go to Monique Heart, see what she said. Michelle Visage will shock everyone by…”

“I said believing in herself.” Asia-as-Monique-turns her face to the camera. “Like I believe in myself, America. And that’s why I’d like to take this moment to announce my run for office.”

“Which office is that?”

“Whichever.” Asia’s got Monique’s flighty passion down perfectly. “One of the big ones, you know. And thank you, America, for your trust. I won’t let you down.”

Ru reads the last question of the night. “In All Stars Season 4, history was made when we celebrated the first Drag Race double crowning. This season, we’ll be making history with a double BLANK.”

Shangela is already shaking her head knowingly. There’s a scrabble of writing from the queens.

“Ladies, pens down. Shangela?”

“I’m giving the people what they want, Ru. I ain’t proud. I had to say a double fisting.”

“Did you really have to say it though?”

“Actually, mama, I did. The PAs have my children.”

“Ha! All right ladies, let’s see if we have any matches. Adore Delano. This season we’ll be making history with the first double BLANK.”

Shea holds up her card proudly. “I said the first double… elimination.”

Ru is quiet for a moment. “That’s actually been done before.”

“It has?”

“A couple of times, actually.”

“Oh.” Shea is unfazed. “Well. I don’t watch the show.”

Ru wheeze laughs, and so does Nina.

“I mean, I don’t know who any of you people are.”

“Sorry, Adore. Not a match.”

Shea shrugs, flashes a peace sign.

“What about you Katya?” Ru moves over to Ivy.

“Well, I thought about what Trixie and I like to do behind the scenes of ‘UNHhhh’ and I just had to put - fisting!” She flips her card.

“It’s a match!” Ru exclaims.

Everyone is laughing, but Nina can’t help check out the subjects of Ivy’s joke. The real Katya Zamo is smiling but - her teeth look clenched. And over with the mentors, Trixie Mattel is not smiling at all. She’s staring at her hands in her lap, systematically picking at the baby pink polish that adorns her fingernails. Hopefully none of the cameras pick up on that.

“I’ll see you later tonight!” Ivy continues, pointing at Trixie. There’s a halfway amused smile on Trixie’s face right away, but Nina feels like he was punched in the stomach. Something’s going on between the two of them, clearly. It hurts to watch - not like watching Vanjie and Brooke hurts (that’s more like watching two attractive bricks smash together). But Trixie and Katya - there’s so much history there. So much darkness. And God knows enough people have been convinced they’re in love -

“Monique Heart, what did you put down? This season we’ll be making history with the first double BLANK.”

“I said the first double crowning, dahling.”

“I’m sorry Monique, we already did that as well.”

“I know y’all did it, but I feel like it didn’t really count because my ass wasn’t wearing one of those crowns. It should have been me, and that’s a fact, America. And facts are - what? Facts.”

Ru laughs for a moment before turning to Nina. “What about Miss Vaaaanjie?”

“I said the first double wedding. And before y’all even ask: I do.” Nina glances over at Brooke, hoping he isn’t hitting this note a bit too hard.

“You do? Who’s the other happy couple?”

Ivy interrupts before Nina can answer. “Trixie! I’ve been meaning to ask you!”

“Oh honey,” Trixie calls out, looking flushed and uncomfortable. “I know I said I’d give more to charity this year, honey, but my generosity has limits.”

Behind her podium, Katya’s face is absolutely expressionless.

“Well, queens, we’re out of time,” Ru announces. “Which means the winner is… Xanax! Talk to your pharmacist. See you next time on the Snatch Game!”

Nina throws ‘deuces’ at the cameras as they get some closing B-roll, keeping up his Vanjie-persona until the very end. As soon as the director yells “cut!” Nina lets out the breath he’s been holding for the past two hours. God, it went by fast, but now he’s feeling every second of it. His muscles ache like he ran a marathon this morning and then tried kick-boxing for the first time.

“Nice work, ladies,” P.A.’s are congratulating them as they leave the set, but Nina barely hears a word. He de-drags, does some of the talking head interviews he loves so much (has to look shady about Nina B.’s performance, and worried about Brooke. Nina doesn’t put on an act or anything - he is kinda worried about Brooke. Brooke did ‘okay’ - better than Celine for sure - but didn’t stand out the way some of the other queens did. And if Brooke goes home tomorrow night - fuck. Nina doesn’t quite know how he feels about that).

Brooke was also kind of weird as they took off their paint in the Werk Room. Nina thought at first that he was in his head about the Snatch Game, but now he’s starting to wonder if his answers as Vanjie might have fucked Brooke up a bit. He hasn’t had a chance to address it, but he’s going to have to tomorrow, just to make sure they’re cool. He thinks it will be okay. He’s pretty sure. Basically. Almost positive.

Nina might be working through some latent confidence issues as he pushes himself for four miles on the elliptical later that night in the hotel (work through the pain, he reminds himself), but it’s fine really. Nothing to see here. Move along.

His legs ache and his face drips sweat, but he feels—good, actually. Solid about his performance. (He did last year, too, but he’s trying not to think about that.)

Dolly is singing about ways to make a living in his ears. He’s not assuming - but he is preparing. Just in case. If he has to lipsync for his legacy, he wants to be ready. Wants to win this one more than any other challenge, and call him crazy, but he feels like there’s a real chance. He can’t pinpoint why exactly, but there’s some kind of feeling settling down into his bones, making him think that maybe maybe maybe—

Underneath that, something uncomfortable has wormed its way into his psyche. It has almost nothing to do with the actual competition. It’s stupid and predictable and oh-so-not what he should be concerned with while on the set of All Stars for Christ’s sake. But he is and he’s here and he’s feeling things, and Nina taught himself a long time ago that feeling things fully for a while and then letting them go is far more beneficial to his mental health than taking the Brooke route and bottling everything up and burying it under vodka cranberries and couch cushions.

So sure. Okay. He’s feeling some kind of way about this thing that he saw that he wasn’t even supposed to see and isn’t even any of his business, but that’s just Nina’s luck for you. So that’s what he focuses on (or tries not to) as he turns up the resistance and pushes through the last of his workout.

He’d risked a glance back at Monét right before the PAs had shoved them off the soundstage. He’s in the business of gem collecting now, savoring those moments, polishing them up for later use, and maybe he wanted a ruby tinted the exact shade of Monét’s lipstick as they’d smiled across the room at each other.

Instead, he’d seen Monét reaching out to Shangela, crimson lips puckered, arms outstretched, ready for the kiss Nina couldn’t make himself watch.

Maybe they had kissed, Nina didn’t know; he’d made himself turn away before he could inflict any more psychological damage on himself. (He’s choosing healthier options now, remember.)

Of course they hadn’t had a moment after the last runway. Why would he think that? When Monét could have anyone he wants, and Nina is practically an amorphous blob. Like. He knows drag queens are all touchy-cuddly most of the time, and he knows that there’s probably nothing going on between Monét and pretty, perfect, halleloo-ing Shangela. But there could be, right? And goddamn, that would actually make sense. As opposed to whatever madness was going on in Nina’s head last night.

He adds even more resistance to the elliptical - just for “fun.” Or maybe spite. And yeah, okay, one night of really solid work in the hotel gym isn’t going to turn him into Naomi Smalls with legs up to his asshole or anything, but it’s a start. And the sooner Nina can convince himself that he isn’t doing this for Monét (or anyone other than himself because he likes exercise, damn it), the better.

He’s a grown-ass adult. He recognizes delusion when he sees it in the mirror every morning. It’s time to face facts—he and Monét had one (wondrously) sensual, albeit (incredibly) drunken night months ago. Monét had left the ball in Nina’s court. Nina was too chickenshit to do anything about it. Now they’re tentative friends (Monét is his mentor after all), Nina might be going crazy (this whole bursting-into-song-but-not-really thing has gone too far), and it’s all just so messy.

Nina wipes his face, stretches, and heads out of the hotel gym. He probably looks like a sweaty disaster (okay, there’s no ‘probably’ about it) and he’s waiting for the elevator down to the floor with his room, when the doors “ding” open and he’s face to face with Monét.

Could be worse. Could be Branjie again.

“Get in loser, we’re going drinking!” Monét says, with a wide smile on his face.

He’s so fucking charming that Nina momentarily forgets that he himself is a hot damn mess. Literally, like hot. Dripping with sweat.

“Um.” He gets into the elevator anyway because - he’s gotta go somewhere. “Are we?”

“If you want.” Monét gets strangely shy as soon as the elevator doors close. Or maybe that’s just in Nina’s mind. “Was the Mean Girls reference too much? I feel like maybe it’s played out.”

Nina laughs out loud, awkwardness momentarily forgotten. Monét never seems anything but confident and composed, and that one moment of doubt is - surprisingly endearing.

Not that confident, composed Monét isn’t completely endearing as well. Like. It’s all good. It all works a little too well for Nina. Everything about Monét is working a little too well for Nina lately.

Shit, the elevator is moving, decision-making time is limited.

“I kinda look like - this?” Nina waves a hand at his damp self.

“Fine as hell, girl,” Monét says with a grin, “and no pressure, obviously. Though if I’m drinking alone at the hotel bar, it’s going to look a little sad. And, look, I can make sad work for me, that’s not a problem. But after the day I’ve had -”

“Oh, the day you’ve had. Yeah, I forgot how stressful it must have been. Competing on a reality show and all that.”

“Fuck off. Uh oh, we’re passing your floor -”

“How do you know which floor is mine?”

Monét blinks at him, briefly speechless, mouth agape. (It makes something spark like a firework in Nina’s chest, shoot colours across the night sky.) The moment passes and then Monét doesn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed, just smiles like a gorgeous monster as he taps his temple. “That’s classified mentor information.”

“Yeah?”

“Hell yeah. You don’t want to know about my top-secret dossier.”

“No, I - don’t.”

“You sure you don’t?” Monét winks at him, and the elevator dings as it reaches the ground floor. “Ah, shit, missed your stop. Better come do shots with me.”

“I mean, I could just press the button again.” Nina doesn’t know why he’s resisting, he wants to get tipsy with Monét more than he wants to do most things (aside from win All Stars and run for office someday maybe).

“Nah, girl, this elevator only goes down. One-way elevator. Sorry, should have told you.”

“Guess I’m out of options.”

“Guess so.”

They look at each other. Nina remembers the man that asked him up to his room the night of the finale. Nina remembers the taste of his mouth, the way Monét kept kissing him, like he couldn’t get enough. Nina -

- is clearly exhausted. And still delusional. But fuck it.

They go to the hotel bar (isn’t this how all the bad stories start?) and Monét buys them both a tequila sunrise and tells Nina way more than he should about Trixie Mattel.

“So her man and her are split. She’s feeling some kind of way about it.”

“Of course she is. Haven’t they been together for, like, ever?”

“Something like that. Fuck.” Monét drains his drink, motions for another round. “We’ve been talking about it, but I’m not - you know. I love her, she’s incredible, but - I’m not - her best friend.”

“You’re not Katya,” Nina says quietly, and Monét scrubs his hands over his face.

“Yeah. That.”

“So why isn’t she talking to Katya, then? You guys have your phones; Katya’s here now, for Christ’s sake.”

Monét shrugs. “Beats me.”

“Are they -” Nina doesn’t have any right to this information, but - he figures that Monét wants to talk about it. “Potentially… do you think -”

“Who the fuck knows? Honestly, when I said I’d come back to do this show, I did not think it would be like being in high school again. Like who is crushing on who, who is hooking up, it -” He darts a look over at Nina and then snaps his mouth shut. “I mean.”

Nina looks away. Finishes his second drink a bit too quickly. “You want another?”

“Okay,” Monét answers before Nina can even finish the sentence.

The bartender is particularly attentive, gets another round in front of them right away. He’s got a lot of smiles for them both, says, “This round’s on me, I’m a huge fan,” as he walks off to help another customer, and Nina - can’t help it, he’s a masochist - raises an eyebrow at Monét.

“Think you’ve got an admirer.”

“Yeah?” Monét rolls his eyes. “More like you do.”

“Should we turn this into an awful romantic comedy where we make a bet about who he likes more?”

Monét laughs like he’s shocked at himself. “Girl! Okay, but what happens at the end? Who wins?”

“Well, if we’re following the formula, we probably both realize that real love was right in front of - you know, I don’t know. You, you win.” Fuck fuck fuck, what the hell is Nina even saying? He watched too many Hallmark movies last Christmas. “That voice, that ass, right?” He tries to make it into a joke, even with Monét’s eyes all honeyed and serious on his face.

Monét purses those perfect lips, presses them into a semi-smile. “Just… didn’t want to assume nothing.”

They talk for another couple drinks, and it’s - shit, it’s easy. It’s never this easy with someone Nina likes. He knows he can be funny, knows he can bring out the charm (with the right amount of alcohol in his system) but usually if there are feelings involved it all goes to hell. Nina gets weird and in his head and laughs too loudly and spills his drink everywhere.

But with Monét - it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be this easy, especially with all the longing covering up the background like terrible flowered wallpaper. It shouldn’t be this easy for Nina to stop over-thinking things and just exist in the presence of this gorgeous person.

But it is. It is easy. That’s the worst part of it all.

Monét is laughing and grabbing for his arm (just like finale night in the other hotel bar) and there’s heat in Nina’s cheeks that isn’t just from the alcohol, and Monét’s lips are glistening and wet as he pulls the straw between them and sips every last bit of the cocktail into his mouth.

Nina swallows thickly, leans into the sound of Monét’s deep rumbling laugh, reaches for his knee when he starts to slip off the hotel barstool.

How many drinks are they in now? Four? Five? More? The room is spinning.

Nina is laughing. Light, airy. Not giggling exactly but laughing and his cheeks are burning and Monét is looking at him through narrowed eyes.

“Be careful, Nina West,” Monét says, and his voice is low and dangerous. “Be careful lookin’ at people like that. They might get… ideas.”

Nina’s breath hitches in his throat and he swallows hard. “Ideas?”

“I might get ideas.” Monét smiles crookedly; his eyes are half-closed and sleepy as he rests his chin on his hand and leans against the bar. “You never texted me.”

Nina’s so glad he’s drunk. So glad he missed his floor, even if it has led to this. Because this conversation, this thing has hung between them for the entirety of filming and it hasn’t been uncomfortable exactly (because they’re adults, thank you very much), but it hasn’t been wonderful either. And Nina more than anything wants to rewind back to May, go to lunch, talk about anything and everything and nothing with Monét until they fall back into hotel sheets and kiss and kiss and kiss until—

“Why didn’t you ever text me?”

Nina clears his throat. “I was… I… I wanted to.”

“But?” Monét’s eyes are wide and pleading now. Still glassy with the alcohol, but inquisitive, bright, waiting to see how Nina is going to explain himself.

Nina is too, to be honest.

So he shakes his head. “I don’t know. Honestly. I don’t have a good reason. I wanted to. I should have.”

Monét ducks his head, takes the paper straw from his drink and twirls it between his middle and ring finger. It sends tiny droplets of tequila sunrise all over the wooden bartop.

“I thought about that night a lot, Nina West,” Monét says quietly, wiping at the droplets with a damp beverage napkin. “I don’t do that. That’s not like me.”

“Me either,” Nina says.

Nina knows that if they were sober this would be a very different conversation. There would definitely be more emotions, there might even be some yelling (although that doesn’t really seem like Monét’s thing and he’s never been one to raise his voice, so maybe not). Either way, they aren’t sober, and now they’re the sleepy kind of drunk and exhausted, so they just sit there at the bar staring at each other, not sure what to say next.

“Why’d you pick me?” Nina finally asks. “For the competition? Because of… that night?”

Monét shrugs and pulls his credit card out of the back pocket of his jeans. “Just wanted to win, girl. That’s it.”

“Shit, I don’t have—”

Monét waves him off. “I got it. Consider it after-hours mentoring.”

Nina thanks him repeatedly as they stand (clumsily) and make their way out of the hotel bar (stumblingly) and back to the elevator. When the doors shut behind them, Nina has a brief flash of all the things that two consenting adults can get up to in an elevator (some of which he has seen in recent days). But no. No. They had their chance, right? The ship has sailed.

Nina’s room is a few floors beneath the mentors’ (apparently), so he steps off before Monét.

“Can you find your way back to your room?” Monét asks, and Nina wishes he could says ‘no. No, I’m going to get completely lost, no, I’ll fall down every two steps if I don’t have you holding me up. No, I need you to linger in my doorway, I need to panic about whether I should try to kiss you goodnight, I need to think about inviting you in.

(I wouldn’t. Of course I wouldn’t. So - unprofessional. But - it’d be nice to think about.)’

“Yeah.” He smiles. “I’ll manage.”

Monét grins. Nina likes to think there’s a bit of disappointment around the edges of it, but he’s also a couple drinks in, and wears the rosiest of glasses at the best of times.

“Thanks for the company and conversation, Nina West.”

Nina nods. Doesn’t touch him, doesn’t look over his shoulder at Monét as he leaves the elevator.

But he doesn’t go back to his room either.

He wanders the hotel. Presses the down button and gets on a different elevator a few minutes later.

Nina’s going to regret this tomorrow when he’s exhausted, but he just can’t imagine shutting himself in his dark little room and lying down right now. He’s vibrating, on edge. It’s a bad idea, because there’s nothing more depressing than a silent hotel after midnight - something about the lateness of the hour makes all the shine come off. Nina’s feet lead him down one hallway and down another, and he doesn’t realize he’s heading to their usual breakfast-conference room until he hears… music?

Yes, there’s definitely music coming out of there, the casual strumming of a stringed instrument that doesn’t have anywhere to go. Someone might be humming too, it’s hard to tell from a distance.

Nina follows the sound.

The door is open, just a bit, and all the lights are on. Sitting alone in the room is Trixie Mattel, bent in concentration over her autoharp.

Out of drag, she looks smaller, more vulnerable. It’s clear just how young she is. She’s picking at a tune, murmuring something under her breath. Nina suddenly feels a warm breeze against his skin, and the melody that Trixie’s playing becomes clearer, a delicate bluegrass riff that would be at home on Nina’s old Emmylou Harris or Linda Ronstadt records.

Along with the warm breeze comes a gust of dandelion seeds, floating through the hallway like tiny wisps of cotton. Nina feels like he’s alone with Trixie in the middle of a waving wheat field, sun-baked and desolate. He can smell the cracked soil beneath his feet, hear the sound of crickets chirping in time with Trixie’s brittle melody.

Oh no. That thing is happening again.

Trixie starts to sing:

“You’re the brightest star in any room.

I’m never lonelier than when I’m with you.

I miss something that’s never happened.

I miss a place I’ve never been to.”

Her voice is quiet at first, but it grows louder.

“There are some bridges that you cannot cross

Say it again ‘til I convince myself

But all this certainty it feels like loss.

I wouldn’t risk this much for no one else.”

Trixie gets to her feet, starts walking through the wheatfield as she sings the chorus.

“And there’s a wide field between us

How you traveled all those miles without me I don’t understand

I’m always on the edge of falling

And you could pull me over just by reaching out your hand

If you’d only take that chance.”

She keeps plucking at the harp, and Nina feels words welling up inside him, ready to spill from his mouth (when he starts singing, he’s thinking of Monét. Because of course he is.)

“This sort of thing, it don’t come easy

I never know just what to do or say

It feels impossible, believe me

That you would ever look at me that way.”

He thinks of Monét’s lips on Shangela’s after the Snatch Game. He thinks of Monét’s eyes on him at the bar. (“Be careful lookin’ at people like that, Nina West.”)

“There are some bridges that you cannot cross

I built up walls around this paper heart

But when I see you I forget it

All of the reasons we should be apart.”

Trixie harmonizes along with Nina as he sings the chorus.

“And there’s a wide field between us

How I traveled all these miles, baby, I don’t understand

I’m always on the edge of falling

And you could pull me over by just reaching out your hand

But could I ever take that chance?”

Nina sings the last line one more time, feeling the weight of his hopeless longing rising like a tide inside his chest. “If you’d only take that chance…”

“Nina?”

“Um.”

Trixie is sitting in the conference room, staring at him. She’s holding her autoharp but there’s no flowing wheatfields or whatever. Somehow Nina ended up in the doorway, just standing there. Fuck’s sake. Is he dissociating? Musically??? This is unbearable.

“How long have you been there?” Trixie asks, confused.

“Um, just got - here, so -” Nina’s face is probably turning bright red, and he’s hoping against that he hasn’t just been shouting song lyrics blankly at a terrified Trixie Mattel for the past few minutes. “Are you okay?”

Trixie winces. Then she nods.

“Yeah, of course. Just - yes. Couldn’t sleep. Figuring some - stuff out. You?”

“Just - you know. Having an emotional spiral.”

“Oh honey…” Trixie’s smiling but her voice is soft and sad. “My first perm was an emotional spiral, honey.”

Nina laughs in a brittle way, because 1) Trixie’s hilarious and 2) it’s obvious she’s trying to make him feel better.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now,” Trixie sighs, shakes her head. “But thanks.”

Nina leaves her to it. After - whatever that just was - he feels ready to crash at long last. He’s still a bit buzzed from the tequila, but his nervous energy has banked, and he heads back to his room. He’s ready to sleep, ready to deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

So of course, there’s someone waiting for him outside his room.

“Nina West.” Maya the P.A. gives him a slow, broad smile the moment he comes into view. “Found your way back, hey? Great. We need to talk.”

Interlude: Trixie

Conversation with:

swamp thing

i cunt believe i agreed to this

Fuck autocorrect CANT

It knows what you REALLY MEANT

It knew i was texting you and assumed

I’ll take it

You’ll take anything

I ain’t proud mama

I’m hunnnnnngry

For serious though, things okay there?

For serious serious

4 C-ri-us

GROSS

That’s gonna be my dj name

Please welcome to the stage

Why do I talk to you

Why do i even know you

Yes things are find its just weird

Being back on set

And like also runnign a business and

planning a tour and all of it. At least

they let us keep our phones

Must be hard being successful

I’m crying for you

I didn’t know you could still produce tears

I squeeze em out

Like milking a cow

Just need the right suction

Stop talking to me

What can you say that you won’t get sued for

I want drama

Who’s fisting who

Ha monet wishes she was fisting someone

Shes like middle school crushing on a queen here

Its kinda cute and sad

If love isn’t pathetic i don’t want it

And there’s last seasons whole thing

#branjie

sell those hats

That is not about hats

I saw them at a show in LA last summer

They’re fucked up in love, mama

IN LOVE???

Who even are you

I’m a person who has eyes

that can see things

Are they not together? They’re togther right?

NOPE

Are you fucking kidding

I don’t believe it

Since when are you this romantic

I’m not romantic

I have no romance in my bones

It’s just OBVIOUS

Well not to them

SO

Ahhhh the gays

When will we figure our shit out

Realize what’s right in front of us

You gone?

Yeah sorry

Going to pass out

Don’t die or anything

Whiel i’m gone

Aren’t you sweet

Conversation with:

sure thing

Doing anything fun tonight?

Or just missing me

Babe?

Ok sorry filming again

Call you on break

Do not let me do this again

I don’t care what they offer me

(id o care what they offer me)

Breaks over talk to you after?

How was your day?

Call me if you want

I’m done for the night

Just getting white girl wasted alone

In my hotel room

At the mini bar yes i’m that famous now

I’m gonna crash call me if you get this

Love u

Conversation with:

swamp thing

I dreamt that i was in a bsatroom

At mcdonalds that one you puked in

After the show in philadelphia

Do you remember? Probably not

And you were there and fucking

Gordon ramsay was there (!!!)

And he wad hitting on you

And i wasd so pissed off

And thrn this lady came in and was like

‘You can’t be in here, this is for ronald only” And i fully shot her with a GUN

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TRACY

I just woke up and feel like a monster

She was just doing her job

Ronald mcdonald needs his private shitter

And i just killed her

I killed a living dream person

Thank you for sharing this with me

I feel so close to you right now

Yeah i don’t confess dream murder

to just ayone

But WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

Latent Ronald mcdonald fetish

Clearly

I’m not a doctor or anythng

But i’m sorry you’re dying

Yep yep makes sense

I always knew it would end like this

fuck/marry/kill

me/gordan ramsay/ronald mcD

(you wanna know what the D stands for)

No i want to sleep

For 3 more hours

But i’m on reality tv again

You should havw stopped me

Maybe this dream was a warning!

I’m supposed to save you

From endng up on Chopped

What did you dream about?

U have to tell me even if it’s sexy

That’s the law

Another teeth falling out one

Mama you know that’s my kink

Conversation with:

sure thing

Good morning sexy thing

I’m so tiiiiiired

Don’t make me get up yet

Hey are u alive?

Yes

Yay u r alive!

I called u yesterday night

And at lunch

U ok?

Did u get my messages?

yes

Ok

Can i call you?

I miss your voice

I cant talk right now

Sorry

Ok

I’ll call you tonight

After filming?

Sure

Love u gorgeous

Hey just called left a message

Give me a shout later

I miss you

Brian

Have you seen the pics

from the MTV Movie Awards?

Ummm ok

No i’ll look them up

Ok

Fuck my lashes are so uneven

U breaking up with me over lashes

Lol

U and kat are pretty cuddly

Haha

are u being serious

Ur joking

Are u ok? Can i call u?

I’m out right now

Call you when i get home

Ok

But we’ve talked about this before right

U know we’re friends

Me and Kat

We’re just friends

U know this

Yeah i have lots of friends

And we don’t hold hands and kiss eachother

All the fucking time

So we’re fdoing this over text?

Is that what we’re doing

No i’ll call u later

Call me ok? I love u

U cannot be jealous of katya

She’s my Business Partner

And it’s DRAG

We touch each otehr all the time

We all do

Gotta go call u later

Conversation with:

swamp thing

Can we talk?

Not if ur busy

Let me just stop blowing this senator

And kick the clowns out

And get thes handcuffs off

No i’m not worth it

Keep these good things goin

It was winding down anyway

Gettin awkward

I have yoga tomorrow

Whats up pussycat

This is gonna sound really weird

Have you seen the pics of us

from the movie awwrds

Probably blocked them out

why????

am i like a troll

No more than usual

David texted me about them

And he’s all pissed off??

Because of us holding hands

Like so so stupid right

WHAT???!

Thats crazy!

Im so sorry

This isn’t the handmaids tale

He can calm his tits

(sorry, not to attack him just) Has he seen our shows??

What did you tell him

To fucking call me!!!

And he hasn’t

And i’m on this stupid set and can’t just go

See him and convince him how crazy he is

I’m so sorry

Do you want me to call him

I’ll call him

Tell me what to say

No don’t

Don’t worry

Its fine

I’ll talk to him

Conversation with:

swamp thing

Hey are you awake

If youre awake call me

david and I are done

over the phone

FUN

sorry you’re clearly asleep

I’m just a little drunk

brian

he said some things

that ive been thinking about

maybe call me tomorrow if u can

guess ill see you soon anyway

dont die while im gone

miss u

[mistressdickens]

A little piece of Oscars thinking

This morning I saw a post which claimed Glenn Close had never deserved a single Oscar nomination in her entire career, but she was probs going to win because eh, it’s time and whatevs and even though I can’t actually find the post anymore, I just wanna write my feelings about the Oscars as a whole, and Glenn Close in particular because I found the post hilarious, especially as it was meant to be super salty, and I just ... laughed.

I wrote something else recently about awards, which I’ll be the first to admit wasn’t pitched the right way, and seemingly set one actress against another. That’s not my intention here.

This post is therefore written with a huge amount of passion, very little wit, a heavy reliance on IMDB and Wikipedia lists, and a general knowledge that no one is going to read it, but I may as well write it anyway. In a sense I am going to the matresses for Glenn Close.

(Here I would put a gif of Tom Hanks blowing on his fingers and starting to type from You’ve Got Mail, but I can’t find it, so the above joke is basically ruined).

The academy awards are a big pile of garbage (one that I get sucked into almost every year), and have rarely recognised the ‘best’ in cinema, but have rather followed the zeitgeist flavour of the month (La La Land being a case in point), and often rewarding campaigns rather than performance. The academy awards of 1999 being a superb case in point here, where Shakespeare in Love won 7 awards, including best supporting actress for Judi Dench (which I remain convinced was because the academy went ‘oops, we fucked up’ when they didn’t give her the award for the superb Mrs Brown). 1998 boasted The Truman Show, Ever After, Patch Adams, Little Voice, How Stella Got Her Groove Back to name but a few, ALL of which garnered few to none nominations. It’s no coincidence that Miramax were the production company for Shakespeare in Love, and a certain wine stain threw his weight around to get the results he wanted.

It’s nowhere near as bad as the mid to late 80s. I think everyone was high. Sean Connery winning for The Untouchables instead of Denzel Washington for Cry Freedom? I thought the Oscars loved a true story of overcoming adversity? But #oscarssowhite has been a thing long before hashtags were invented.

The fact that Glenn Close has been nominated seven times but has yet to win has nothing to do with her talent as an actor (which is brilliant, and has been overshadowed by a number of other actresses, not least Meryl Streep, although they’ve only gone head to head three times (in 1988, when they both lost out to Cher ...., 1989, when they both lost out to Jodie Foster, and 2012 when Streep won for The Iron Lady (again with the zeitgeist). I’m not even knocking Streep for her multiple nominations - the woman is a class act, and has gone longer between wins than most people (having been nominated 12 times between her wins in 1983 and 2012). Luckily for her, it is easier to understand the losses in this century, when you look back at her competition. I’ve said it before, and I say it again - the 80s were weird.

I’ve seen it said that Glenn Close is bound to win just because she hasn’t already done so (although that logic didn’t work for Richard Burton) which completely detracts from the atristry of her work. Not that Close herself refuses to acknowledge the body of work that’s behind her, nor that this will be in people’s minds. In a recent article for the Daily Herald she said ‘People have been going back and looking at my basic body of work and the six times I lost and what those roles were. So I can't pretend it's just for 'The Wife.'

The simple fact is though that it shouldn’t matter. If you’re an actor over a certain age, you should be considered in light of that you’ve done in the past, and not just the nominated stuff. I think the first thing I ever saw her in (apart from 101 Dalmations) was something called Paradise Road, and I’ve never got over that film. It’s stunning. I wanted to watch everything she ever did after that.

The funny thing is that The Wife is slightly zeigtgisty (is that even a word. It is now). It taps into the Time’s Up and Me Too movements in a way I’m not sure any of us would have expected, and without saying a word, Glenn Close shows us exactly how being a woman and sidelined feels (then she explodes and it is awesome in it’s ferocity).

I could go on, and I could denounce Close’s ‘category sisters’ (as she so wonderfully calls them) but they are all wonderful and deserve the recognition of the work they have been doing. I could wonder why Rachel Weisz wasn’t nominated for Disobedience, ANY of the cast of Oceans 8, Saorsie Ronan for On Chesil Beach, Emma Thompson for The Children Act, Rupert Everett for The Happy Prince, Rosamund Pike for A Private War (although I remain confused which year that sits in terms of nominations), Viola Davis for Widows, but I guess them’s the breaks, and we’ll never know who was on the long list before the final 5 were announced. It’s SUCH a lottery, and based on so much institutional bias and favouritism that you’d be better off throwing a dart on a massive board of names to try and pick a winner.

In short, if Glenn Close wins this year it will be for her superlative performance in The Wife AND for her fantastic 45 year career, and I for one do not have a problem with that.

[honkhonkrichard]

Some losers club headcannons

yeah it’s really long sorry i have a lot of thoughts

Bill:

- Hates rain/storms/bad weather, because it reminds him of Georgie.

- Plays baseball

- only swears under his breath (that’s why after the garage scene when he says “one more f-f-fucking time-” it kinda leaves everyone speechless)

- sneezes every four minutes

-the little spoon

- giggles at everything

- huge romantic

Richie:

- loves raccoons

- hella lanky/thin

- really good at drawing (Bill draws a little, like in the movie, but he sticks to writing, mostly. Richie taught Bill how to draw)

- started a comedy club at school

- says cursed things like “totes McGoats”, “mark my worms” and “You know what really kame hames my hah”

- “Richie, what are you doing? “[immediately, with no hesitation] Treason, of the highest order”

- Wentworth Tozier grew up in Italy, met Maggie Tozier in a trip to NYC, where they fall in love. Richie can speak p good Italian and moved to Derry when he was 5-6

- Loves the movie Grease, and has gone as Danny Zuko several times.

- has (a) really big hands/mouth/feet/ears etc. He’s just generally a large person.

Eddie:

- flexible as hell (He does the bridge once and begins to freak out because he thinks he broke his spine)

- “you all are not”

- Loves musicals

- does track an field

- has a leather fanny pack (Christmas, 1992, Beverly thought it fucking incredible)

- “I’d sell you to satan for one corn chip”

- loves to dance

- “mama didn’t raise a quitter but she did raise a fool”

- freckles

- will wear layers and layers even in hot weather

- grows his hair out to spite his mother, who always liked it short

Stan:

- sneaky as hell

- talks to fast sometimes

- lots of voice cracks

- tallest of the club (6′5″ by grade 11)

- perfect posture

- laughs loudly once in a blue moon

- really really nice hand writing

- born in Israel, moved to Derry when he was 5-6

- white passing

- goes for a long run every morning

- Does track and field

- loves ABBA more than he loves himself

- “you’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice?”

- Has two cats, Cookies and Creme

- wakes up at 5:30am

- can’t deal with ticking clocks, freaks over locking doors and hates seeing messes (because OCD, u know)

Mike:

- “Y’aint”

- always has snacks on him

- wears glasses but only for reading and they hang on the edge of his nose

- pats people

- random hugs

- can’t swim (The losers had to teach him how)

- named his sheep after the losers and named one particularly awful one Lil Penny

- hums a lot

- stronk man

- loves to climb trees

- saw a movie once, probably

Beverly:

- plays piano and guitar

- wears a jean jacket

- lots of patches on her clothes (mostly the jean jacket)

- is the meanest person in the world when she first wakes up

- stronk

- responds to most compliments with awkward finger guns

- “cool beans”

- goes on hikes/walks a lot

- sunburns

- “....whomst?”

Ben:

- owns like 3 shirts

- loves music

- has all the nice toys (water proof walkman, dope ass bike, etc.)

- has seen every movie ever

- cries everytime someone breaks a pencil (”You need to treat it with respectI”)

- Will always buy you food/lunch if you don’t have any

- Plays football

- owns a Foosball table

General:

- Richie and Ben have mutual respect for each other

- (Richie thinks Ben is super brave and incredibly humble and kind, and thinks that if he could be Ben for a day he would finally learn to slow down and appreciate everything around him)

- (Ben thinks Richie is super cool, funny and undeniably one of the smartest people he’d ever known. If he were Richie for a day, he’s sure that he could make every wish he has come true.)

- Eddie is always concerned Bill is sick.

- Stan talks back to teachers and Richie thinks it’s the most beautiful thing in the world

- Richie is the only one allowed to call Bev Bevvie. everyone else gets a slap.

- Eddie and Stan bond over their love for Meryl Streep and ABBA

- Richie and Stan learned english together because it’s their second languages

- the most dividing fight the group faced (other than the IT fist fight between Richie/Bill) was the debate of which is better, Hot chocolate, Tea or Coffee. (richie/Ben think hot chocolate, Bill/Mike think Coffee, Eddie/Stan think Tea. Beverly says redbull, its a whole thing)

- everytime Bill drinks coffee everyone (including Mike) gags a little bit (Bill drinks coffee straight from the pot. No sugar or milk. Straight coffee)

- Bev and Bill constantly check to see who’s taller

- Mike and Eddie have an inside joke of correcting each other (“Y’aint” “you all are not”)

- Richie almost got arrested after losing his temper around Sonia Kaspbrak, in which he punched her, and Eddie had to convince her not to press charges

- When Ben learned that Stan had OCD and Richie had ADHD, he went to the library and did research on it, so he could help them if he needed

- Richie and Ben are the only two that drive

-  by 10th grade, Richie was banned from the school library. When Ben asked why, Richie grinned, looked over at Stan, who also grinned, turned back to Ben and said “I’ll tell you when you’re older”

- Richie’s parents like to throw big Barbaques and things of that nature and towards the end of the night, they always let Richie do a quick stand up show, and Stan or Wentworth will also sometimes go up and do something.

- Bev and Richie are like the brother/sister combo who take the school by storm. Loud, bold and hand in hand.

- Stan and Bev are like the brother/sister who are genuinely there for each other. 

Grade 11-12 heights: Stan (6′5″), Richie (6′0-1″), Mike (5′11″), Ben (5′10-11″), Bill (5′8″), Bev (5′7-8″), Eddie (5′5″)

[the-domestication-of-the-dog]

The 10th Annual L.A.O.K. Awards

Wow. Ten years of the Layokies. What a trip. I would like to give my heartfelt thanks to all five of my faithful fans for your readership over the years. In my first ever Layokies post, I named it the “1st (Possibly) Annual L.A.O.K. Awards.” I had no idea how long I’d be working at the Academy, let alone living in LA, but here we are. I bragged about seeing 180 movies that year. I just checked my Letterboxd stats for this year and it turns out I watched...180 movies. However, this year I hit a new personal best for new releases: 125. While this is about half as many as some people I know, some of the first Layokies were based on a field of 60 or 70 movies, so I’ve doubled up on my old self. Funny thing is, I can still look on other year-end lists and find many films I haven’t seen, and even some I haven’t heard of, so the field of films I’ve added are probably in the middle to bottom range of the pack. But someone out there has to watch Tolkien, Gemini Man, The Goldfinch, and Where’d You Go, Bernadette?, so it might as well be me.

In all honesty, my absolute favorite thing about living in Los Angeles and working at the Academy is access to watching movies and being around the general cinephile community, and even a bad couple of hours in a movie theater beats a lot else. Over Christmas break I saw Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker in Shawnee, OK’s own Cinema Center 8. 

It was quite a trip going back to this theater after so many years and to think of the love of film that was fostered there. Alas, the picture was pretty muddy, and I’m almost positive they showed it in 2k. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Now, in penance for naming The King’s Speech Best Picture in my first year (lol), I give you five real good’uns for 2019:

Best Film The Farewell The King Little Women Parasite Uncut Gems

Sometimes I touch on a year being good or bad for film in general. Not sure about the whole, but I’ll call 2019 a real SEC year (aka stacked at the top and mediocre to poor the rest of the way down). While I would probably only give one title on this list must-see status (Parasite), these are all definite should-sees. The Farewell made me laugh and cry and cringe. One might even go so far as to say it “gave me all the feels.” The King gave me actual siege warfare and period-accurate haircuts. Little Women hit me with that structure, and at first I was all “hol up,” but then I was all “OK I see you.” Little Women also made me cry because I cry in movies now. (A quick aside, because while I absolutely loved Little Women, it’s not really going to come up again. If you liked the movie and haven’t read the book, please do yourself a favor and make it the next one on your list. You can’t know how great this movie is unless you know how good Beth is. Beth kind of got lost in this one, and you need to know Beth.) Parasite blew me away through its normality (who, having seen The Host, Snowpiercer, and Okja could have guessed that it wasn’t about some actual alien parasite??). And Uncut Gems was exactly as perfect as I expected it to be. And the Layokie goes to... The King

Faithful readers will know that one of my absolute favorite genres is ‘discreet conversation behind castle walls,’ and The King absolutely nailed it. It has everything: leadership position foisted on a worthy but flawed character who doesn’t want it, conversations in tents about battle tactics, love built on almost nothing but mutual respect, and most of all, Robert Pattinson doing a funny accent (it’s just a French accent, but he makes it quite funny). I would have already watched this again five times on Netflix, but I’m hoping and praying for an Oscar nomination that will never ever in a million years come in hopes that I can see it again in the theater during nominations screenings.

The Next Five Six 1917 Honey Boy The Laundromat The Lighthouse Marriage Story Portrait of a Lady on Fire

Best Actor Timothée Chalamet - The King Adam Driver - Marriage Story Paul Walter Hauser - Richard Jewell Joaquin Phoenix - Joker Adam Sandler - Uncut Gems

Another super stacked category this year. You might even say they’re *puts on sunglasses*...Stacked Actors. (<-- This is a really good joke for anyone whose favorite band from 7th-8th grade was The Foo Fighters.) These are all kind of obvious, so I’ll take a second to comment on Paul Walter Hauser and the fact that I gave out a very specific award last year titled “Refuse to Watch - Any More Clint Eastwood Movies” after trying and failing to watch The 15:17 to Paris on a plane (one of the worst pieces of filmmaking I’ve ever witnessed). Then this year Richard Jewell was getting such good buzz, and it seemed like such a good cast, and it was such a low-risk watch (on my second screen at work while doing spreadsheets), that I decided to shamefully renege on my earlier pronouncement and give it a shot. And...it was great pretty good! What is the deeal with Clint Eastwood?? He’s made some of my least favorite movies of the decade (Gran Torino, Invictus, Hereafter was a particularly awful stretch, Sully was pointless, and even parts of American Sniper, which was otherwise tolerable, were absolute cringefests). Anywho, I was very impressed by Paul Walter Hauser’s understated but perfect performance, in which he gets one good chance to blow up and yell at people--which you know I love. I hope he gets nominated, because it would be a great Oscar clip. (My ultimate dream job would be to pick the acting Oscars clips and I would be very very good at it.)

And the Layokie goes to... The Sandman (love that everyone is calling him the Sandman again)

I touched on Adam Sandler “A” in the Best Supporting Actor section of my 2018 Layokies post regarding his performance in The Meyerowitz Stories, lamenting that he hadn’t taken more dramatic roles after Punch-Drunk Love and hoping that good writer/directors would keep casting him. One more wish granted by the Safdie brothers. Adam Sandler’s talent is undeniable. He is truly one of the Great Actors of his generation. I really hope this is a respected-actor-making turn for him, but the upcoming roles on his IMDd--Hubie Halloween and Hotel Transylvania 4--don’t give much hope for the immediate future. 

Honorable Mentions Taron Egerton - Rocketman (but only for the phone booth scene) Shia LaBeouf - The Peanut Butter Falcon Noah Jupe - Honey Boy Robert Pattinson - The Lighthouse Jonathan Pryce - The Two Popes

Best Actress Ana de Armas - Knives Out Scarlett Johansson - Marriage Story Elisabeth Moss - Her Smell Florence Pugh - Midsommar Saoirse Ronan - Little Women

Found out last night from my resident celebrity expert Bridgette Smith that Florence Pugh is dating Zach Braff and it absolutely crushed me. 

And the Layokie goes to... Elisabeth Moss - Her Smell

Her Smell was the last 2019 film I watched before writing this post, and I was really just looking for something to pass the time. I had been wanting to see it for a long time and noticed it was on HBO, so I pressed play and planned to work on this post while I watched. I couldn’t. I was riveted. The writing, score, and sound design are incredible, but it’s all tied together by Elisabeth Moss’s performance. She’s excellent at being revolting but still has all of those qualities that made her Peggy. You can’t not like her, even though you fairly hate her. 

Honorable Mentions Awkwafina - The Farewell Cynthia Erivo - Harriet Lupita Nyong’o - Us (You know I love weird voices, you know I love actors doing weird voices and faces, but this was a bit much even for me. Reflective of Us on the whole, which I thought was interesting but really missed the mark.) Charlize Theron - Bombshell

Best Director Ari Aster - Midsommar Bong Joon Ho - Parasite David Michôd - The King Benny and Josh Safdie - Uncut Gems Céline Sciamma - Portrait of a Lady on Fire

And the Layokie goes to... Benny and Josh Safdie - Uncut Gems

Wired: New directors Tired: Old directors

Boy do I not understand the love for The Irishman and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I’m not totally against boring movies if there’s a good reason for it (Midsommar was actually quite boring), but these were some of the least compelling films I watched all year. On the other hand, you have these young directors coming out of prestige horror, Ari Aster, Robert Eggers, and to a lesser extent David Robert Mitchell and Trey Edwards Shults, making some of the most dynamic films out there. Reminds me of Roger Ebert talking about early Scorsese in Life Itself (which I can’t find a clip of). Then you have Benny and Josh Safdie doing Scorsese better than Scorsese with literally breathtaking shots like the one below. How they construct such amazing edits out of such disparate takes as the one in the still above is a wonder. They’ll go from five extreme close-ups in a row to a jaw-dropping shot of the inside of a jewelry store zoomed in from across the street. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg on what makes them the best filmmakers working right now. 

Honorable Mentions Noah Baumbach - Marriage Story Robert Eggers - The Lighthouse Claire Denis - High Life Greta Gerwig - Little Women Alejandro Landes - Monos Sam Mendes - 1917 Alex Ross Perry - Her Smell Joe Talbot - The Last Black Man in San Francisco Lulu Wang - The Farewell

Best Supporting Actress Laura Dern - Marriage Story Lena Headey - Fighting with My Family Lee Jung Eun - Parasite (The housekeeper) Meryl Streep - The Laundromat Shuzhen Zhao - The Farewell (Nai Nai)

And the Layokie goes to... Laura Dern - Marriage Story

Here’s one for the Laura Dern stan accounts: There’s no question that Noah Baumbach is a talented director of actors, but Laura Dern makes so much out of seemingly not a lot in this role. She truly embodies a wholly unique and three-dimensional character that could have extremely easily been one-note.

Honorable Mentions Lily-Rose Depp - The King Florence Pugh - Little Women Margot Robbie - Bombshell

Best Supporting Actor Timothée Chalamet - Little Women Willem Dafoe - The Lighthouse Shia LaBeouf - Honey Boy Al Pacino - The Irishman Robert Pattinson - The King

And the Layokie goes to... Willem Dafoe - The Lighthouse

For being all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT7uR4wNMJs

Honorable Mentions Bill Hader - It Chapter Two Tim Heidecker - Us Sam Rockwell - Richard Jewell Song Kang Ho - Parasite (the dad) Lakeith Stanfield - Uncut Gems

Best Original Screenplay The Farewell - Lulu Wang Her Smell - Alex Ross Perry Marriage Story - Noah Baumbach Parasite - Bong Joon Ho Uncut Gems - Benny and Josh Safdie

And the Layokie goes to... Parasite - Bong Joon Ho

Another genre we don’t get nearly enough of: comedies of errors. A script like this is as sophisticated as any mystery, political thriller, or...some other sophisticated type of script, like uh, I don’t know, they usually just say Chinatown or Witness. I did think it lagged a bit in the third act, but everything that came before it was so tight. Twist after turn after twist, so funny, so shocking. This is such a rare prestige crowd-pleaser that it really does harken back to Hitchcock; if a wide audience can get over watching subtitles, this has to have one of the lowest barriers for entry of any foreign film in a long time. Here’s hoping for a Best Picture Oscar nomination and a wide release. Uncut Gems played at Shawnee’s other theater (titled simply Movies 6), so it’s not that far out of the realm of possibility. But I know people in LA, even that work at the Academy, who won’t watch subtitled films, so getting people to actually go see it is another question. 

Honorable Mentions Peterloo - Mike Leigh

Best Adapted Screenplay Jojo Rabbit - Taika Waititi Joker - Todd Philips & Scott Silver The King - David Michôd The Laundromat - Scott Z. Burns The Two Popes - Anthony McCarten

And the Layokie goes to... The King - Joel Edgerton and David Michôd

It wouldn’t be the Layokies without me championing one film that no one else cares about. I just really really liked The King. Timothée Chalamet is so hot right now! How did this get so overlooked?? 😭

Best Documentary Apollo 11 Honeyland It’s a Hard Truth Ain’t It Maiden Mike Wallace is Here

And the Layokie goes to... Maiden

As I’m in the process of producing a documentary right now, it pains me a bit that my top two picks in this category are almost entirely archival. I thought Mike Wallace is Here was so well done, and the director did some amazing things playing with aspect ratio. But Maiden came into port first. What is wrong with people who don’t appreciate sports? This xkcd comic (who I usually appreciate) makes me so angry. Tell the women who worked their asses off for years to claw their way into this male-dominated space and literally made the world a better place that their efforts were no more than a weighted random number generator on which to build narratives! Clearly the narratives are there, but it rarely has as much to do with the result of the competition as it does the effort that it took individual human beings to get there. See also: Undefeated (currently streaming on Netflix).

Honorable Mentions Fyre They Shall Not Grow Old Satan & Adam

Best Foreign Language Film Duh Parasite

Biggest Missed Opportunity Pokemon: Detective Pikachu (How the first live action Pokemon movie should have happened)

Not Even Close to Enough Monsters Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Most Unbelievable Cosplay Tom Hanks as Mr. Rogers

Absolutely Crushing the Sensitive Dad Roles Billy Crudup in After the Wedding and Where’d You Go, Bernadette?

Good in Everything Too obvious, but Florence Pugh - Fighting with My Family, Midsommar, Little Women Robert Pattinson - High Life, The Lighthouse, The King Adam Driver - The Dead Don’t Die, Marriage Story, The Report, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Destigmatizing Fatness Award Dolemite is My Name The Laundromat Skin Almost Hustlers but then not (Lizzo got what, 30 seconds of screentime??)

#WasteYourAudience’sTime2019 The Souvenir The Proposal

Didn’t Actually Deserve to be Driven into the Ground Dark Phoenix The Kitchen

Just Plain Liked It Triple Frontier

Most Forgettable Tie: Tolkien and High Life (not for me, but it took me a full 10 minutes to convince Becca that she watched this, and I had to describe the masturbation chamber aka fuck box in a lot of detail before she got it, and I’m still not totally convinced she remembers it)

The Something Award Motherless Brooklyn

The Nothing Award Judy

Worst Movies 1. Rambo: Last Blood 2. Between Two Ferns: The Movie 3. Abominable 4. The Lion King 5. Godzilla: King of the Monsters 6. Wine Country 7. Jumanji: The Next Level 8. Frozen II 9. The Goldfinch 10. Pet Semetary

Best Scenes

Avengers: Endgame - The hammer, the portals, all the nerdy/normie BS, what can I say call me a basic bitch but there were some genuine holy schmoly moments in this that made it a really fun movie to experience in the theater

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood - When Mr. Rogers uses the puppets on Lloyd

Captain Marvel - When she went full shit on ‘em

Climax - The opening dance sequence (the only thing that made this movie worth watching)

The Farewell - Too many to choose from, but I think my favorite moment in this movie was when they were taking photos of the fiances and another couple stumbled in on them, claiming they were lost. That couple leaves and we never see them again. These are the kinds of details that make movies come alive. Absolutely brilliant.

Gemini Man - The motorcycle chase (a rare scene actually made better by the high frame rate)

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum - The knife fight in the knife store

The King - The conversation between Hal and Catherine

Knock Down the House - When A.O.C. debated the incompetent proxy

The Last Black Man in San Francisco - Skateboarding into town

Little Women - The “break-up” scene between Jo and Laurie (not a spoiler)

Midsommar - The drug trip scene (not that I’ve ever done drugs but this was the most accurate drug trip scene of all time) and the Ättestupa ceremony. Also found out in the video linked above that Ari Aster pronounces it Mid-SO-mar?? I thought that was the dumb way to pronounce it but apparently I’m the dumb one. Also also, another amazing detail worth mentioning: I absolutely loved that every time they were in their community sleeping barn, there was a baby crying somewhere on the second floor that we never see. Such a perfect way to put the characters and the audience on edge and indicate that there’s something wrong here.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood - While I didn’t care for this movie, the scene where Brad Pitt went to the movie ranch and when he fantasized about going to the film set were absolutely dripping with tension, which made them as just as riveting as the rest of the movie wasn’t

Parasite - When the other family comes home early

The Peanut Butter Falcon - The scene after they come out of the corn field and share one of their first genuine moments

Uncut Gems - *Sarah Palin voice* All of ‘em, any of ‘em. But seriously the finale with the Celtics game

Us - The initial home invasion and the visit to the Tylers’ home (Tim Heidecker and Elisabeth Moss)

The A.V. Club also does a best scenes list at the end of the year, and I love writing mine first and then seeing what they came up with. I’m always surprised at how many we match on. Just goes to show that a good scene is universal. I also enjoyed some of theirs that I overlooked here, including from Her Smell, Bombshell, Ad Astra (I almost included the moon chase myself and thought the baboon scene was equally compelling), and Portrait of a Lady on Fire.

Stupidest Scenes Every other John Wick 3 scene

Deserves Discussion The Dead Don’t Die

This movie was a lot of fun. But then it also completely sucked? Not really a Jim Jarmusch fan in the first place, but this had so many awesome elements to it: a great cast, great soundtrack, really fun and unexpected ways of breaking the 4th wall, but then it was also pointless and boring. I would love for someone to tell me why this is a good movie after all, but judging by its complete absence from the end-of-the-year discussion (or any discussion), I’m guessing no one cares enough to mount that challenge.

Best Visuals Alita: Battle Angel Aquarella A Hidden Life Honeyland Midsommar Monos

Many LOLs It Chapter Two Jojo Rabbit Parasite

Best Song Ready or Not - The Hide and Seek Song (why was this not submitted?)

Best Soundtrack Waves - Never have I already known so many songs on a film’s soundtrack; it’s almost as if Trey Edwards Shults is another white guy around my age with the same interests as me...

Worst Accents Midway

Started But Never Finished Cats Cold Case Hammarskjold Genndy Tartakovsky’s ‘Primal’ - Tales of Savagery  The Highway Men High Flying Bird Queen and Slim Spies in Disguise

Didn’t See Ash is Purest White Atlantics The Beach Bum The Body Remembers When the World Broke Open (still really want to see this one) Clemency Diane Invisible Life Luce Shadow Synonyms Transit Woman at War

Absent on Purpose Pain & Glory Ford v Ferrari I think these are the only two contenders that I’ve seen and haven’t mentioned. I actually liked both of these movies quite a bit. Just didn’t stand out for me in any one category I suppose. But then also: Booksmart Brittany Runs a Marathon Just Mercy The Mustang

Hah!

[malefiquinn]

Tagged by @juleswhatever​ 😎

O N E

·        name: Ana || nickname: Anna, Annie, Anita || zodiac sign: Taurus

·        height:  1′64cm / 5′3" (I think? I don’t do inches) || orientation: See myself as straight, but I won’t mind being proven wrong. || ethnicity: hispanic

·        favourite fruit: blueberries, raspberries and apples. Green apples, though. || favourite season: autumn

·        favourite book: “El Juego del Ángel” by Carlos Ruiz Zafón. The four books of that series are great, but that one felt like a full mindblown. || favourite flower: Roses.

·        favourite scent: Rain and grinded coffee (my Amortentia smells like those two). In terms of perfumes, I love my own: Nina, by Nina Ricci. || favourite animal: Wolves and bunnies.

·        coffee, tea, or hot cocoa? Love all 3, but coffee, coffee, coffee.

·        average hours of sleep: 6? on weekdays. Like 8-9 on Sundays.

·        cats or dogs? Dogs.

·        favourite fictional character: *Unrolls a BIG list* Can’t choose only one. So, by fandoms -and no particular order-: Laura Roslin & Bill Adama (BSG), Remus Lupin & Fred & George Weasley (Harry Potter), Harley Quinn (DC comics), Pepper Potts (Marvel), Alistair Theirin, Varric Thetras, Thom Rainier, Cullen Rutherford & Iron Bull (Dragon Age), Garrus Vakarian, Tali’Zorah Vas Normandy & Jeff ‘Joker’ Moreau (Mass Effect), Jim Raynor & Matt Horner (StarCraft), Lucifer & Mazikeen (Lucifer), Marty McFly & Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown (Back to the Future), Captain Hector Barbossa (Pirates of the Caribbean), Sylvannas Windrunner & Jaina Proudmoore (Warcraft), Ana (Overwatch), Alice & the March Hare (Alice in Wonderland), Temperance Brennan (Bones)- and the answer is long enough, let’s stop now ^^U

·        dream trip: Egypt. I need to see those pyramids, tombs and the Nile in person.

·        when was your blog created? Don’t really remember because I started using it for real much, much later. As in, I tried creating an account here and turns out I already had one xD. That was sometime last year.

·        what do you post about? Battlestar Galactica, Harry Potter, Dragon Age, Mass Effect, writing tips, aesthetics/moodboards, celebrities I like/have crushes on (i.e. Mary McDonnell, Edward James Olmos, Anna Kendrick, Margot Robbie, Meryl Streep, Colin Firth, Tricia Helfer, Lesley-Ann Brandt, Tom Ellis, Ewan McGreggor, Grant Gustin...)

·        do you get asks on a regular basis? Nope.

·        aesthetic: Books, coffee cups, rain/umbrellas, my dog.

·        favourite band/artist? My Chemical Romance, Ed Sheeran, Paramore, Muse, Imagine Dragons, OneRepublic, The Killers, Queen.

·        fictional character I’d date: Alistair Theirin from Dragon Age, omg. Or Garrus Vakarian! I kinda have a weakness for Bioware’s badasses on the outside, sweet dorks on the inside. But also Lupin, Varric, George Weasley, Jim Raynor... the list can go on.

·        hogwarts house: Ravenclaw. Proud eagle over here.

T W O

·        Countries I’ve lived in: Colombia.

·        Favourite fandom: I have four and they are non negotiable: Harry Potter, Battlestar Galactica, Dragon Age and Mass Effect.

·        Languages you speak: Spanish, English and some Italian.

·        Favourite film of 2016: Mmmm, if I had to choose, maybe Hidden Figures. But I also liked Fantastic Beasts, Rogue One, Doctor Strange, Deadpool, The Accountant, Finding Dory (Not the best movie done by Pixar but what can I say, I’m a sucker for Dory). Now that I see such a short list, 2016 was not my favourite year in terms of movies xD.

·        Last article you read: Germany’s hyperinflation-phobia on The Economist.

·        Shuffle your music library and put your first three songs here: Eraser - Ed Sheeran,  How Says You Can’t Go Home - Bon Jovi, Spellbound - Lacuna Coil.

·        Last thing you bought online: A Battlestar Galactica uniform for Halloween.

·        How would your friends describe you? Geek, geek, geek. Well, and curious, creative, weird, responsible (believe it or not), the mom of the group, loyal, jokes a lot.

·        How would your enemies describe you? too serious, does not talk if she’s not interested, believes everyone else is an idiot.

·        Who would you take a bullet for? Mom, dog.

Getting increasingly personal meme

One insecurity: • Failure, I guess?

Two fears: • BEES • Death

Three turn-ons: • Deep voices • Being smart & funny • Beards...

Four life goals: • Traveling a lot. • Being happy. • Doing something I enjoy for a living. • Someone to share my life with, eventually.

Five things I like: • Getting under my covers with a storm outside. • Writing. • Listening to music. • Seeing animals. • Cuddling my dog.

Six weaknesses: • Being me with strangers. • Having a normal sleep schedule. • Chocolate and other sweets. • Excesive sunlight. Can’t see a thing with too much sunlight. • Not caring enough about things I don’t like. • My memory. Keep forgetting what I shouldn’t.

Seven things I love (things not people): • Books • Video games • Fluffy pillows/plushes/fabrics • Dim lights • Rubik cubes • Good music with headphones • Fingerless gloves

Tag eight people: I’m too lazy and sleepy at the moment. Maybe I’ll edit this later :P

[troupe6803]

#Thesfest17 Day 4

Day 4 and I'm still just as excited as day 1!!! I started off my day with a workshop called "Acting on camera". Here the teacher (who went to school with Meryl Streep btw!!) taught us how to come across better when doing screen tests instead of regular auditions-- what colors to where, how to count marks, where to look, etc. As film and television are areas I am definitely interested in, this workshop was really helpful and I took a lot of notes! Next I went to the Lied center to talk to some schools, and then I went to lunch. After that were college auditions!!! Yay! I think they went well, honestly I was pretty nervous and with all adrenaline I can't remember much of it. But I'm relieved they're finally over. After auditions I had some time to chill because the rest of our troupe was seeing the main stage show "West Side Story", and I couldn't make it for act one because of my auditions. I wrote some of this blog and snacked for a while. Then at intermission I found our troupe and watched the rest of the show. From the limited amount I saw, I was definitely impressed. My favorites aspects of the show were a) the sets, comprised of different apartments that turned so you could see the inside and the outside, and b) the singing. Maria's voice was beautiful, which is a very hard role to sing to begin with. Also, the jet boys were very strong, which made the show that much more enjoyable. Next I headed to dinner. After that Shannon and I went to a workshop called "Lazzi comedic bits", in which we learned and practiced the basic and most well known bits of comedy. We did basic comedic exercises, like mirroring our partner, the flea scenario, only being able to use two lines to convey a scene, burliq burlaq, etc. We also learned the structure of comedy, like how it works in segments of threes and fives (beat, beat, punchline, beat, bigger punchline). Improvisational comedy isn't something that comes super naturally to me, but this workshop helped me see there are basic formulas and techniques rooted in all jokes and bits, and that being aware of this structure helps you to more easily manipulate it. Actually by the end, Shannon and I had the whole class watching us. Our class did a exercise in which one person could only say "I'm not a doctor" and the other could only say "You're not a doctor", and we had to let the scene take us wherever it went. Ours soon turned into me being a pregnant woman figuring out Shannon isn't actually a doctor and us freaking out, but then realizing the baby is coming anyway and giving birth with this random stranger I just met. It was silly but super funny and not the kind of role/acting I usually do, which made it even more fun! Finally, I hung out by the fountain to write my blog and relax. Only two days left!! I'm so sad but super excited for "Heathers" and "Sweeney Todd", and to talk to colleges at callbacks! Yayyy! Hannah Vliet

[radioleary-blog]

Golden-gate

You know what this week’s topic is. A scandal, not on the level of Watergate, perhaps, but it’s a political scandal and that means we have to attach the suffix “-gate” to it. Let’s call it...Golden-gate. An unsubstantiated report was released just ten days before Trump’s inauguration after circulating for months, among the claims that journalists have not been able to verify is that Trump hired prostitutes to perform “golden showers” in front of him. Now, surprisingly, there were a whole lot of people who had never heard that term before, and it was quickly trending as a top google search. Many innocent, non-perverted people had conjured up some naively wholesome ideas as to what a “golden shower” might be. “Is it a party for your fiftieth anniversary, I wonder?” Well, yeah, sure, it could be, if the kids are all moved out of the house and you cover the furniture with plastic. Hey, could that be why some weird old people used to cover their furniture with plastic? Man, my Aunt Tootsie may have been cooler than we thought. Other naive, un-jaded people wondered, “I bet a golden shower is his really fancy bathroom in his Trump Tower penthouse apartment.” Well, kind of, in that I think you could see golden showers in Penthouse magazine. But no, all these precious illusions were shattered pretty quickly, very quickly, in fact, when their google search resulted in: “About 4,750,000 results in (0.52 seconds).” The truth hit them like a splash in the face.

Not since the great Clinton blowjob scandal of the 90’s has simply following the news cause the corruption of so many poor, innocent minds. And that happened way before the internet, so back then you had to ask your Social Studies teacher why Monica Lewinsky didn’t just swallow for the sake of our country. And yet today that sounds like a much more innocent time; just a friendly adulterous blowjob scandal. Not like this soggy affair. Being aware of what our political leaders are doing is our responsibility as citizens, it’s our civic duty, but this rate, don’t be surprised if the next scandal actually involves some politician’s ‘civic doody’. But I guess it’s all part of making America great again. No word on where these ‘leaks’ came from, I thought they came from the Russian prostitutes? I wonder if they charged extra for leaking the report, too.

Trump is furious, he’s red in the face over this report, but if I remember color theory correctly, when you mix red with yellow, you get orange. Hmm, this could explain a lot. And now we finally understand what he meant when he said he wanted to bring back waterboarding!  Let’s see, if you do it to somebody with water, it’s considered torture and it’s against the Geneva Convention, but if you do it with pee, it’s 500 dollars an hour and you have to pay for the hotel room. Uh, I hear! I mean, um, how would I know? So, ah...can we just get back to Trump?

You know, I used to think Donald Trump was like Nero without the violin lessons. Now I think he’s more like Caligula, but without the class.

I’m not going to run down a litany of cheap jokes and puns about these salacious accusations. Not me, I have too much journalistic integrity for that. And I doubt any of it is true anyway, I mean, not Donald Trump, right? He’s worked hard ever since he was a wee lad. He’s the kind of guy who never settles for second place because he strives for number one. Donald Trump is a man who has climbed the bladder of success. He’s worth his weight in gold and showers in the adoration of his supporters. He’s a financial whizz. In a recent live stream press conference he said, “You have to trust ‘your innate’ instincts when you do your business. There are times the market is flush, and times you just have to go with the flow, but always be ready for a golden opportunity.” No, no cheap puns here. I don’t engage in yellow journalism.

Whew! I couldn’t hold those jokes in any longer! Ah...what a relief! I realize every comedian in America came up with these exact same jokes, and everybody who isn’t a comedian, too. Going to the bathroom is something we start telling jokes about it as soon as we learn how to talk, we’ve all been ready with these jokes since about the first grade. As a kid you always got huge laughs just by using the word “poopy”. Man, it slayed. That was your closing bit. Now as adults we make witty remarks about “Close Encounters of the Turd Kind,” but it’s still the same joke. And we will always think bodily functions are funny. A thousand years from now, if mankind has returned to space and colonized the Solar System, people will still be joking about asteroids on Uranus. It’s human nature. So everybody was ready with jokes for this scandal, reaching back to our earliest comedic sources. And we let loose, even if the story doesn’t hold water.

But don’t think that Donald Trump was the first alleged sexual deviant to be President, I did a little research and you might be surprised at some of the fun and interesting presidential facts I discovered:

President Calvin Coolidge kept Vice-President Charles G. Dawes in a full-body leather gimp costume, locking him in a trunk in the basement of a pawn shop when the Senate was not in session. It is speculated that the middle initial G. stood for Gimp. Same for Warren G. Harding.

Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) was heavy into body modification, living up to his name with over 50 body piercings. 30 of them were deliberate, the rest were just shrapnel from a cannonball injury in the war of 1812.

Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) only got off on Bukkake and Japanese tentacle porn. Alright, so that’s not true, but he’d a lot more interesting if it was. Nobody cares that he was a reconstructionist.

You know, before this story hit, I thought I’d be talking about his previous scandal for the week, his feud with actress Meryl Streep, but only Trump can actually trump himself. Meryl Streep had attack Trump for bullying and mocking a disabled reporter during her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes awards. There’s that word “golden” again. Anyway, Trump didn’t like it, and the Twitter war was on. He tweeted, "Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood, doesn't know me but attacked last night at the Golden Globes." Wait a minute. Over-rated? Is he unaware of the existence of irony? Meryl Streep has won 157 awards, and over 400 nominations. Donald Trump? The Apprentice lost at the Emmys to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And it lost twice to The Amazing Race. Donald Trump calling Meryl Streep over-rated is like Vin Diesel giving a bad review of a Monet retrospective at MoMA:

“Monet? Nah, bro. This guy ain’t no Impressionist, Impressionists do a bunch of voices like John Wayne and shit, this guy just paints pictures of water lilies. I ain’t Impressed. I asked if I could meet this guy Monet or Merlot or whatever, and they told me he died. Whoa. Car crash I bet. Should have slowed your roll, my brother. Ride or die, esse. Gas, grass, or ass, nobody rides for free. But how come none of these paintings have muscle cars in them? For example, his painting ‘Morning on the Seine near Giverny’ is aight, but what it really needs is a cherry red 1970 GTO with a 455 cubic inch V-8, 370 hp. and a Ram Air IV engine. Pimp your ride, pimp your painting, bro.”

[mchenryjd]

2017 in Review

Necessarily incomplete, mostly for my personal record. I will probably regret this.

MOVIES

10.  mother!

Got to a screening late, had to sit in the third show, could barely tell what was happening and spent most of the movie staring at J. Law’s flared nostrils. An ideal viewing experience.

9.     Personal Shopper

Nothing captures the purposeful emptiness of spending time online like Kristen Stewart texting a ghost.

8.     Get Out

I kept telling my dad this movie was funny to get him to see it, not realizing he didn’t already know it was a horror movie. Afterwards, he texted me, “that was not a comedy!” Feels like that’s enough a metaphor. Daniel Kaluuya for best actor.

7.     Star Wars: The Last Jedi

A Star Wars movie about loving Star Wars movies, which means loving the epic, silly struggle between good and epic, loving the spiral staircase that is John Williams’s force theme, loving it when character always do the coolest possible thing followed by the next coolest possible thing, loving dumb furry creatures and sarcastic slimy ones, loving it when characters kiss when you want them to kiss, loving the hundred-million-dollar sandbox of it all. After the constricted dance steps of The Force Awakens and Rogue One, give me this bleeding freestyle any day.

6.     Phantom Thread

Finally, proof that everyone in a serious relationship has lost it.

5.     Call Me By Your Name

I refuse to believe that being stuck in rural Italy would be anything other than deadly boring and if my father insisted on turning everything into a lecture on classical art, I would run away. Also, there’s a contrast between the book (vague on the details of place and time, vividly specific on matters of sex) and the film (more contextually specific, sexier, but less horny than the original). Also, who am I kidding, I was moved and unsettled by the force of the thing. *Michael Stuhlbarg voice* Pray you get a chance to fall in love like this.

4.     Dunkirk

Having your tense, churning, clanking, thrumming, score transform into Elgar right when the beautiful, imperiled young heroes are reading a stirring speech (and Tom Hardy is heroically sacrificing himself in what looks like the middle of a Turner painting) is a level of craft so deft if feels like cheating, but it works.

3.     BPM

A film about a community in danger that acts as both a memorial to and rallying cry for that community. Uncompromising, accommodating, queer in the best way, BPM makes you want to cry and go dancing at the same time.

2.     Columbus

The kind of movie that makes you want to get in a car and keep driving until you find something beautiful, it has stuck and expanded in my memory ever since I saw it over the summer. Like the architecture that looms large in the setting, the plot can feel uncomfortably schematic – John Cho wants to leave and gets  stuck, Haley Lu Richardson is stuck and gets to leave. The question is how people live within, and blur the edges of, those confines. John Cho has a winning, curdled decency; Haley Lu Richardson gives the hardest kind of performance, in that she often seems unaware of her character’s own wants. I’d watch her quietly assemble dinner for hours on end.

1.     Lady Bird  

A movie that feels less plotted and more prefigured – every fight between Lady Bird has happened before, every high school landmark lumbers by with inevitability, every boy disappoints in the way you expect. What redeems all this? Paying attention, which is also love, in this movie’s pseudo-religious sense. Between Lady Bird and Marion, between Lady Bird and Julie, between Lady Bird and Sacramento. Watch people closely, as Greta Gerwig does, and they reveal glimmers of themselves (I know so little, and yet everything, about Stephen McKinley Henderson’s drama teacher from a few moments that feel perfect, in the sense of contained, past-tense completeness). It’ll all so ordinary. Fall in love with it.

Honorable mentions: Regina Hall’s speech about friendship in Girls Trip, Sally Hawkins tracing a droplet with her finger in The Shape of Water, Meryl Streep on the phone in The Post, Cara Delevingne in Valerian, Rihanna in Valerian, the part where the ghost jumped off the building in A Ghost Story, the fact that Power Rangers was surprisingly good, the soldier who gasps as Diana whips out her hair in the trenches in Wonder Woman, Ansel Elgort’s jacket in Baby Driver, whenever anyone tried to explain anything in Alien: Covenant, Elisabeth Moss in The Square, Anh Seo-hyun feeding Okja in Okja, Lois Smith being in movies, the kids eating ice cream in The Florida Project, the Game of Thrones joke in Logan Lucky, Vella Lovell in The Big Sick, and finally, most preciously, the moment in Home Again where Reese Witherspoon kissed Michael Sheen and someone in my theater shouted “she’s not feeling it!”

TELEVISION

10.  The Good Doctor

Listen, he’s a good doctor.

9.     Riverdale

They’re hot. They’re angsty. They do drugs that look like Pixy-Stix. They never seem to do homework. They love to hook-up in weird locations. They have terrible taste in karaoke songs. They love hair dye, and a well-defined eyebrow. They have really hot parents. They’re TV teens! I love it.

8.     Insecure

This is just to say that I am far too invested in Molly’s happiness as a person. I would also like to view a full season of Due North.

7.     American Vandal

From Alex Trimboli to Christa Carlyle, the best names on TV are on this show. Also the best reenactments, and somehow the most incisive take on what fuels, and results from TV’s true-crime obsession. Jimmy Tatro mumbling!

6.     Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

More shows should take the opportunity to explode in their third seasons, rocket forward at full speed, diagnose their main characters, and give Josh Groban wonderful, unexplainable cameos.

5.     Alias Grace

A show that conjured a performance for the ages out of Sarah Gadon and somehow made Zachary Levi palatable as a dramatic actor, this miracle of collaboration between Mary Harron and Sarah Polley is all the better for being binged. Down it in an afternoon, think of Grace under her black veil, daring you to disbelieve her, for years to come.

4.     Twin Peaks: The Return

A show that drove nostalgia into itself like a knife to the chest. Totally absurd. The best revival/exorcism yet on TV.

3.     Please Like Me

“Sorry about your life.” “I’m sorry about your life.” In a time when things tend to peter out, what a final season, in which everything goes to shit and then some. Maybe TV’s most prickly comedy, Please Like Me’s heart is of the “stumble along and keep going” sort and never does it test itself as much as it did with this bleak, pastel final statement.

2.     The Leftovers

Do you believe Nora Durst’s story? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I think it sounds ridiculous. Sometimes I relax in the comfortable, academic premise that it only matters that Kevin does. It’s a haunting idea, though, this image of world even emptier than The Leftovers’s own, where it’s possible to wander for untold time in darkness. Carrie Coon’s description of it is a kind of journey to the underworld – we’re there with her, maybe, and then we make it back, maybe. The trick of The Leftovers is the wound’s never fully healed.

1.     Halt and Catch Fire

The world changes. People sorta don’t.

Honorable mentions: the twist in The Good Place, the Taylor Swift demon character in Neo Yokio, Claire Foy on The Crown, Vanessa Kirby on The Crown, the stand-up in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Cristin Milioti in Black Mirror, the televised Academy Awards ceremony, the weeks when Netflix didn’t release new TV shows I had to watch, Girls’s “American Bitch,” the fact that Adam Driver is both in Girls and Star Wars, Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys performances on The Americans (and life in Brooklyn), the moments in Game of Thrones that were good enough to make me stop thinking about what people would write about Game of Thrones, season 2 of The Magicians’s resistance to any sort of plot logic, Jane the Virgin’s narrator, Nicole Kidman at therapy on Big Little Lies, Reese Witherspoon’s production of Avenue Q in Big Little Lies, Alexis Bledel holding things in The Handmaid’s Tale, Maggie Gyllenhaal directing porn in The Deuce, Alison Brie’s terrible Russian accent in Glow, Maya Rudolph in Big Mouth, Cush Jumbo miming oral sex with a pen in court in The Good Fight, the calming experience of watching new episodes of Superstore and Great News on Fridays, Eden Sher in The Middle, the fake books they make up for Younger, and Rihanna livestreaming herself watching Bates Motel.

THEATER

10.  Indecent

History, identity, community all mangled together in something that’s both excavation and revivification. I’m so mad I didn’t get to see it with my mom.

9.     Mary Jane

A nightmare that goes from bad to worse, which Carrie Coon performed with the endurance of a saint.

8.     SpongeBob SquarePants

Highlights: The tap number, the Fiddler on the Roof joke, the many uses of pool noodles, David Zinn’s design in general, the arms, the volcano setpiece, the fact that somehow I kept laughing for two-and-a-half hours at something SpongeBob SquarePants. Tina Landau, you’re a hero.

7.     Hello, Dolly!

I had a wonderful viewing experience like this, in that I sat alone on an aisle next to an older gay man who turned to me right when the curtain came down on the first act and said, “man, we love Bette.” (Shout out to any and all gags involving the whale.)

6.     Groundhog Day

Proof you can dig deeper into the material you’re adapting and still find more. Sometimes, the funniest gags come out of old-fashioned repetition. Andy Karl has the Rolex-like ability to make it all speed by without revealing any of the ticks, and then wallop you in the second act.  

5.     The Glass Menagerie

A lot of unconventional ideas piled onto each other that go so far into strange territory that they loop back around to being immediate. Maybe distant to some, but enough to unsettle me. I can still smell the onstage rain.

4.     The Wolves

A sign of a good play is probably that you remain invested in the characters long after you see it, and I’m going to spend so much time worrying about all the girls on the soccer team in The Wolves for the rest of my life.

3.     The Band’s Visit

Katrina Lenk has a gorgeous voice. Tony Shalhoub is restrained to the point that he could move his baton with nanometer accuracy. The songs are transporting. But most of all, The Band’s Visit manages to capture loneliness better than nearly any musical I’ve seen. Everyone, audience included, experiences something together, and then it all, slowly, both lingers and drifts apart.

2.     A Doll’s House, Part 2

What, you think I wasn’t going to include a play with a Laurie Metcalf performance? ADHP2 is perhaps clever to a fault in its set-up, but in the right hands, it turns into something both funny and moving – a story about what it takes to become a complete person, in or outside the influence of other people. Nora’s monologue about living in silence near the end is the full of the kind of simple statements that are so hard to act, and so brilliant when done just right.

1.     The Antipodes

Both an extended meditation on what it means to run out of stories and a brutal subtweet of Los Angeles, The Antipodes is my kind of play, in that it’s mostly people talking, Josh Charles is involved and very disgruntled, and everyone eats a lot of take out.

Honorable mentions: the music in Sunday in the Park With George, the pies in Sweeney Todd, the ensemble of Come From Away, seeing Dave Malloy in The Great Comet of 1812, Alex Newell’s “Mama Will Provide” in Once on This Island, Cate Blanchet having fun in The Present, Imelda Staunton in the NTLive Follies, Michael Urie in Torch Song, Patti LuPone’s accent(s) in War Paint, Ashley Park in KPOP, and Gleb.