#this is probably the effect of playing so much kid icarus uprising all those years ago

[dinerfries]

needless to say i am NOT wynning

[veebs-hates-video-games]

More small ones because that seems to be what I'm doing a lot of again lately after some long stuff that I needed a break from.

Graceful Explosion Machine is surprisingly polished and well balanced for something I got on a whim and had never heard of before. It does a good job incentivizing you to play strategically and use each of your different types of weapons, all of which feel useful in different situations. The balance between the default weapon overheating if used too much, the more powerful weapons running out of energy if you use them too much, needing to stay up close to enemies to recharge your weapons, and the cooldown on the double dash being just long enough that you have to ration it feels well thought out and probably took a lot of playtesting to get right. My only complaints are that usually the tiny easiest enemies in the game are the ones that hit me because I can't see them through all the effects happening on screen and that the later levels are causing me pretty significant physical pain to play. I'm about 3/4 of the way through and still having fun, but we'll see if I just need a break or to give up entirely before I hurt myself like with Kid Icarus: Uprising.

Otoko Cross: Pretty Boys Mahjong Solitaire is...ok just hear me out on this one. I used to have a friend who would randomly gift me bad games on Steam because they knew I'd play them anyway and then complain about them. One of those, several years ago, was Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire, which was actually surprisingly well put together compared to what I expected, even if the horny on main aspects of it were very silly. Sometimes I just get nostalgic for people being like "hey this looks terrible and was 99 cents, have fun" I guess? Anyway it's actually decently made for what it is (and extremely unforgivingly difficult unless you set it to easy mode), and if it were a little less horny some of the costumes would be pretty cute instead of like 70% of them being too ridiculous for me to take seriously. Then again, I'm aroace, so what do I know?

Meet Her There is one of those things where I'm not even sure how I ended up with it, but thank you past me for finding it somehow, apparently. It's a very short VN (like I think I finished it in maybe 15 minutes and saw all the alternate stuff in another 15) originally made for a game jam. It has the color palette of a Virtual Boy game, which really highlights how awful the cheap TV I'm using as a monitor is, but it works well with the art style and music to set the dark tone of it. Speaking of which, do not ignore the content warnings on this one for suicidal themes if that's an issue for you. I feel like it handled what it was going for pretty well, even though like some other stuff I've mentioned recently the writing is a little stiff/awkward. It didn't bother me as much here as it did in some of those others. Also it's very funny how when I looked at the user reviews for it on Steam afterward almost none of them mentioned or seemed to even have picked up on some stuff that was really obvious to me, like right away I was like "oh this is FULL of gender".

[eggoreviews]

Top 10 Lamest Game Protagonists

I’ve already taken a good look at the coolest main characters in games, but now it’s time for the flipside; the most lovably bumbling main characters in game history. Those heroes you can still sympathise with, but it’s difficult to get over just how incurably lame they are. Big note, this isn’t an insult to the characters I list, most of them are perfect little eggs. Hope you agree with these characters I’m about to roast!

Spoilers ahead!

10. Sir Daniel Fortesque (MediEvil series)

To be fair to poor Sir Dan, he spends most of his time trying to make up for how medicore he turned out to be in life. Daniel Fortesque went down in history for leading the charge in the Battle of Gallowmere and felling the evil sorcerer Zarok, when in reality he was hit by the first stray arrow while cowering at the back of the horde. But when Zarok came back and started raising the dead, Sir Dan found himself up and walking also, except now he’s a skeleton and he’s missing an eye and a jaw. He can only talk in muffled noises and has to endure the majority of the characters in the game ripping into him for his prior cowardice. So yeah, unfortunately pretty lame, but his low placement is due to his redemption by the end of his story.

9. Frisk (Undertale)

I know what you might be thinking, ‘But Frisk silent the whole time, it’s all the other monsters that are big ol’ lame eggs’, but no, Frisk is just as much. While they’re silent for most of the game, the very few conversation options you’re given as Frisk tell you just how much of a dork they are as they haplessly befriend everyone they come across in the underground, provided you aren’t doing the genocide route (but why would you?). And while you aren’t given too much detail as to who Frisk is and why they chose to climb Mt. Ebott in the first place, it’s clear from the get go that you aren’t playing the strong, silent protagonist in Undertale. Rather the strong, silent dork type.

8. Pathfinder Ryder (Mass Effect Andromeda)

You may be thinking this is an odd choice, but compared to Commander Shepard from the previous Mass Effect titles, Ryder stands as as a cheesy, bumbling mild idiot of a character. Not to say that he’s particularly badly written, it’s just the fact that he tends to blunder through the majority of his dialogue, and the slightly wonky facial animation present in Andromeda doesn’t help his case too well either. Poor old Ryder, he tried his best, but he just turned out a bit too Flash Gordon.

7. Shulk (Xenoblade Chronicles)

I want to make it clear that I love Shulk with every fiber of my being, and having an over the top JRPG protagonist with a strong English accent was honestly a masterstroke. But who, honestly, can take this man seriously? All you have to do is listen to him scream out the name of the attack he’s performing in unabashed enthusiasm or shouting out random meaningless phrases like ‘I’M REALLY FEELING IT’ to get a good impression of just how much of a total dweeb Shulk really is. But hey, I love him for it, so keep doing you Shulk.

6. Rhys / Fiona (Tales from the Borderlands)

Tying in the sixth spot on my list is the dual vault hunters from Telltale’s spinoff of the Borderlands series. And yeah, they’re both completely lovable losers. On a first glance, it would seem like the hapless, slightly incompetent Rhys is the only lame one, with his terrible flirting and endless supply of awful puns. But no, Fiona is just as lame, it’s just that her lameness is so deeply ingrained in her character she hides it quite well beneath her quips and gunplay. The both of them quibble and argue pretty much constantly throughout the game, but what becomes extremely obvious by the end is that they’re both as bad as each other, and Sasha is the only cool one.

5. Chris (Until Dawn)

The funniest thing about Chris as a whole is how the game tries to establish him as the funny one, but in reality, his jokes are bordering on the terrible and he’s a tiny bit of a laughing stock. To his credit, of the eight teenagers trapped on a snowy mountain being hunted by monsters, Chris is surprisingly one of the most capable survivors, as well as being one of the easiest characters to save. But each time you get round to his parts of the story, you’re reminded of just how noticeably lame he is compared to pretty much everyone else. But you can’t fault him for it, it’s good enough for Ashley! Or, you know, Josh.

4. Pit (Kid Icarus Uprising)

Pit is a big ball of positivity and puts up with quite a lot considering his age and his status as a fledgling angel, but that doesn’t change the facts. Pit is arguably the lamest Nintendo protagonist, even beating out Kirby purely because at least Kirby can wield a cool sword if he succs the right enemy. But Pit is a brash, reckless and tiny angel who can’t fly without Palutena’s help. If there’s ever a Kid Icarus sequel, maybe he’ll finally find his feet and manage to get himself off the ground without his favourite goddess, but until then, he stays pretty firmly on this list. At least until his voice drops.

3. Max Caulfield (Life Is Strange)

I’ll admit right now that the vast majority of photography student Max Caulfield’s lame factor is probably down to the writing. Her careless use of words like ‘bizarro’ and the sentence I never wanted to hear ‘Ready for the mosh pit, shakabrah’ establish fairly quickly that Max is a veritable goldmine of lame. She’s a walking edgy art film stereotype, complete with her ‘quirky’ personality and avant garde interests, topping it all off with a polaroid camera, the edgiest accessory ever conceived. Max has a good heart, using her never properly explained, newfound powers to help people wherever she can, whether that be preventing a suicide or saving the life of her future girlfriend Chloe Price, so Max remains a lovable and brilliant character. But oh boy, is she lame.

2. Sora (Kingdom Hearts)

As the protagonist of a franchise that nobody really knows why it exists, Sora acts as the tenuous bridge between the colourful, family-friendly Disney and the edgy, complicated and wonderful mess that is the Final Fantasy series. But Sora, with his intoxicating positivity, overly-dramatic poses and massive clown shoes, defines lame. God I love him, but there is nothing at all about this character that doesn’t make you sigh a bit inwardly, especially when you consider his constant company of Donald and Goofy. The odd blend of Disney and Final Fantasy in the needlessly epic plot spanning 15 years and many games only serve to accentuate how ridiculous Sora is as a character, so that’s why he’s this high. Plus, he’s far too extra to use a sword, he’s gotta wield a massive key instead. I love this spiky boy.

Before I imprint my face into a desk while talking about my top pick, here’s a few that almost made into the Hall of Lame (haha get it I’m funny):

PaRappa the Rapper (PaRappa the Rapper series)

Kid Dracula (Castlevania series)

Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong series)

Olimar (Pikmin series)

You (Duck Hunt)

1. Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic the Hedgehog series)

During his inception in the early 90s, Sonic didn’t start out as incredibly lame as he is these days, but what puts him at the top spot is his steady decline into lame territory, which started right about when they started putting him in 3D. Sonic was designed to appeal to the kids of the 1990s and hasn’t evolved at all since, holding the same overly enthusiastic, outdated persona that people either love or hate, in games of varying quality. Everything from his weird anthropomorphic body, his massive eyes, constant shit-eating grin, his strained voice that sounds a bit like he’s always in pain, it all comes together to make this epitome of lame the character hasn’t been able to escape since Sonic Adventure. And it only looks like it’s set to get worse over the horizon with the announcement of a Sonic movie. Most of my love of Sonic comes out of a place of irony, but it’s love nonetheless. May Sega keep milking him until they run out of totally out of place environments to throw him into.

There’s my list! Just to reiterate, this isn’t a post hating these characters, it’s mostly just pointing out aspects of their personality that for one reason or another, put them on the lame radar. Hope you enjoyed, stay hydrated!

[mode7rap]

Thoughts about the end of the 3DS, and the Nintendo DS line of handhelds

via Game Music 4 All

It's finally the end of the DS/3DS era. Somehow it was fantastic but people still talk about the Game Boy. Remember the three pillars of Nintendo, Home Console, GBA, AND DS? There is an alternate reality where the DS bombed, Nintendo frantically shifts back to a new GBA, and all the while PSP sales just launch into space. No, the PSP could never do that. What a piece of junk.

The DS remains one of my all time favorite consoles. The 3DS is home to some of my all time favorite games as well. Can't say enough about Kid Icarus Uprising. Star Fox 64 3D was brilliant but a travesty the multiplayer wasn't online enabled. If that were the case, I might be playing it right now. Super Mario 3D Land is probably my favorite Mario platforming game since Super Mario 64. Also some of the tightest level design since Super Mario Bros 3, and maybe the most surprising Super Mario experiences since the original Super Mario Galaxy.

What is sad is that Nintendo is so unique in their console and handheld designs that it will be damn near impossible to experience these games as intended, even if Nintendo were to re-release or remaster them in some form. Touch screens are ubiquitous now, but that dual screen layout isn't sticking around any longer. Double that for the 3D screen. I feel like I was one of the only ones who played their 3DS with that 3D slider always cranked to the max. Nintendo eventually gave up on the gimmick themselves, opting to manufacture less expensive 2D screens for the Nintendo 2DS, which is not the same as the Nintendo DS, but more like the New Nintendo 3DS.

Nintendo has confusing, unintuitive names for their products? How didn't we see this Wii / Wii U fiasco coming!? Oh wait, WE ALL DID!

Not to say MS or Sony are doing great with their schemes. We got the Microsoft Xbox One S. the Xbox One X, The Xbox, The Xbox One, and the Xbox 360. You figure out the order.

Then Sony just constantly doubling down on their original unoriginality, “ We have been using the same console name and knockoff SNES controller layout for 20 years, we fired everyone creative two decades ago.”

Back to the 3DS though. Nintendo has ported some DS games to the virtual console back in the Wii U era. The Wii U is only good for two things, playing most Advance Wars titles on the TV, and playing Affordable Space Adventures. Specific to this discussion, Nintendo ported Advance Wars DS, along with plenty of other DS games, which work well with the dual screen design of the Wii U. Although Nintendo still leaves us stuck with some wonky image layouts when trying to play. Not the best solution, but an official solution. At least, if your favorite DS games are available on the Wii U, and you want to rebuy, and rebuild your progress in that game again. Also if you actually own a Nintendo Wii U, and of course you don't.

I suppose Nintendo could port them over to the Switch to play in handheld mode. It would be far off from my dream of playing them on my big screen, but at least the viability is there with the touch screen, and holding the Switch sideways. As for recreating the 3D effects of Nintendo 3DS games, I'm sure we'll never see anything official to recreate that effect, at least until Nintendo goes full VR, and also brings back the virtual console. Neither of which seem likely. I'm sure the hacker and mod community has probably come up with a few tricks to get some type of stereoscopic effect going on other screens.

So keeping these games in their exact form and factor is a definite no, but we don't go down to the arcade to get 'the real Mortal Kombat experience” anymore either. What is important is the eventual ports of classic 3DS games, eventually.

As I typed this up, I realized that there aren't a lot of definite, universally agreeable 3DS titles that would be assured a port, remaster, or inclusion on some type of anniversary collection. Perhaps some platformers like New Super Mario Bros 2, The very fun Kirby series of 3DS games. None of those were blockbusters though. If Super Mario 3D Land were to get a por to the Switch, I could see Super Mario 3D Land being remastered and included in a full package. Personally, I have been patiently waiting for ports of Star Fox 64 3D, and Kid Icarus Uprising since the Switch launched. I seriously doubt Sakurai wants to touch, and even less would allow anyone else to touch Kid Icarus: Uprising though. That 1999 interview with Sakurai mentioned how he didn't like how his creation Kirby was used as a guest in other Nintendo games (which games he is talking about, I need to look into), so I doubt he feels like taking a game he designed, wrote, and directed, and which his studio produced, then just handing it over like he lost a bet.

Star Fox 64 3D feels much more likely. Just wrangle Ubisoft since they did that Star Link game, then grab Dylan Cuthbert to lead the remake of the remake of Star Fox 64. Star Fox 64 3D Switch 2019: Forget Star Fox Zero Happened Edition.

I'm not quite as saddened by the shift from 3DS to Switch as I was from the DS to 3DS. As consoles were getting more and more powerful, and demanding longer, more complex experiences, the GBA and DS continued a legacy of great platformers, RPGs, and other classic genres and game designs of the 16 bit era. A lot of development studios who couldn't afford to make the transition to 3D modeling, longer game development cycles, and ever expanding studio sizes, were able to continue honing their sidescrolling and/or pixel graphics style of video games on Nintendo's best selling handhelds. During these years we got some great games from both large and small companies like WayForward, Treasure, Capcom, Konami, Square-Enix, and, of course Nintendo, and on and on.

Once the 3DS came out, that meant the end of an emphasis on 2D games from Nintendo, and other companies like Capcom, Square-Enix, and certainly Konami (who stopped doing anything). No longer were large publishers looking for small budget, decent profit games. All their eggs were now being dumped into ever expanding AAA titles. The shift in focus lead to a shift in the type of games and gameplay that would be most featured on Nintendo handhelds moving forward.

So not only was the 3DS in 3D, but the games were in 3D as well!

Let me rephrase that.

We are NOT talking about stereoscopic 3D now. I am talking about the 3D, polygon based models used in the games themselves. There were a fair bit of 3D games on the original DS, (hell, Super Mario 64 DS was a launch title) especially later on in the handheld's lifespan, once developers really pushed the DS to the limits. Likewise, there are plenty of great pixel based games on the 3DS. The emphasis changed with the 3DS though. With the added strength of the new handheld, smaller studios would finally be forced to expand, or switch to mobile phone development, or be Konami.

The 3DS also coincides with the rise of mobile phone games, and the increasing ease for indie developers to get their games into my consoles. Figuring out exactly how much influence the 3DS had on forcing some studios to shift direction. Companies that might have been financially limited to creating a low budget handheld game, are now free to make a game of any budget these days, and release that game to damn near every platform they like. Thanks to that, we are far far away from the dystopian, non 2D things vision of gaming I had around the beginning of the decade.

The biggest thing that has changed for me since the rise and fall of the 3DS. I, and no one else, will ever pay $30 or more for a puzzle game ever again. Remember when puzzle games cost as much as every other genre of video games. That copy of Tetris 2, or Final Fantasy III, same price buddy.

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